#im tried and in pain all the time
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hey how the fuck do i get the motivation to keep trying
#genuinley i dont#fuck#my pains are getting worse#like the way i walk has changed because of it#ive been missing a lot of school because there are times when even just sitting is painful#and god dude its taken a toll lol#and i just cant force myself to try anymore#im tried and in pain all the time#and i just cant convince myself that whatever worksheet or textbook pages i have to do are important anymore#and school is ending soon so i have finals and this is literally the worst time for me to feel like this#but i genuinley dont want to keep trying anymote#i dont think i really have a future as it stands#and yeah i could probably try and change that really put in the ffort and half die on the way to making it#but im barely maintaning myself as it is#im just tired#im just really really tired#i dont know what to do#vent#ig#if anyone is willing to say im doing a good job i would really appreciate it#im trying even though i dont want to#and everyone around me says 'yeah that sucks :[ im sorry'#but no one has told me theyre proud of me#maybe because this isnt worth being proud of
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alright gang what we thinkin
Ive been doing this without a reference this entire damn time and its KILLING my consistency.... sigh... me when i have to follow the properties of a character to draw them correctly.... (bwomp)... /j
is he fucked up enough
#his jaw was NOT being tapered and his face was a tidbit too wide and it makes all the damn difference#fuck this guy hes so weird and unusual and hes a pain in the ass to draw right and i cant for the life of me /aff#i cant do the asks because every time he looks so off and its been really bothering me honestly#his wack ass arm length vs leg length is on purpose im trying to mimic the sprite a little. I want him to be a freak and somewhat triangula#[you've got mail!]#i did this because i was sketching the next ask and like... his chest looked weird asf so i tried to do a full body underneath to fix the#proportions and it was pissing me off so i just opened a new canvas#I CANNOT believe i do not have a reference sheet. Its been like 4 months since i made one this is criminal
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you GUYS i am officially enrolled in my degree i am so unbelievably happy!!!!! i have been fighting for my life to get here. i had to turn down all my uni offers when i was a teen (had to move out independantly bc of domestic violence and disability/health complications). i've always known exactly what i want to do with my life but everything got put on hold whilst i desperately tried to sort my shit out. BUT IM DOING IT NOW!!!!!
#u guys dont even know 😭#i dropped out of school when i was 14/15#taught myself all my GCSEs at home#tried to go back to school 3 times but had to leave bc of my abuser finding me + disabilities/pain made my attendance scores impossible#taught myself my A levels and GOT INTO MY DREAM UNI#had to TURN DOWN the offer so i could move out alone somewhere safe on my own income where he could not find me#then had to take a few years to sort my shit out because hello what the FUCK was that first 20 years of my life#plus hey ive been AUTISTIC and adhd this whole time ontop of the cptsd and psychosis and whatever the FUCK else#but im here now :))#lets get a fUCKING DEGREE!!!!!!!!!!
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i sprained my wrist but duty calls
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#yakuza series#yakuza 7#yakuza like a dragon#masumi arakawa#ichiban kasuga#snap sketches#OW#i WAS inspod by my y7 gameplay last night but while i was watching this cutscene and going He's So Sugoi#i realized he DOES have a mole on his neck :) so i WASNT going crazy yay me !!!!!!#i tried drawing with one hand.. it was annoying this is awful#its not impossible it just takes so LONG plus im less willing to stress over details which. arguably good but I Dont Like It#THIS LIL THING TOOK A SOLID HOUR BYE LMAO#w/e it was worth exploring the option. its not impossible so i can just continue to practice off screen#pray my other wrist gets better so i dont take nine years to draw tho#'snap are your shortcuts really THAT important' YES#even if ive redone some shortcuts o be cnnected to my pen and tablet i dont have all my shortcuts#even then moving to click the buttons on my tablet takes about as much time as it would to click them on my keyboard#ok this is pain bye#hopefully i feel better soon i keep having thoughts i wanna share and i like to do so Without taking days on One post
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working on some Silly Shit™
#my art#fnaf#not really but kind of#sunbuns such a silly guy. why is he like that#any time someone draws sunbun i get complaints about all the stars on the vest#and like i used to be all “its not that big of a deal. you're being dramatic”#i get it now#i understand#i understand the pain of lining up the stars#my ass is not meant for something this professional#i tried so hard to make lines not scratchy and failed miserably#crawling around in the dirt like a worm#this isnt like even a post post#uhhh expect art later#like actual art#why is this so crunchy#im just now looking at it#what happened to my image#crunchified
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moodboard for this past week ❤️
#they should invent a grad school thats not fucking insane#i'm hanging in there but im the most unwell i've been in AWhile#this week was just horrible#there was already the freezer food incident but it also started off with a very severe pain episode thats putting me in constant woe#even mundane motion has been agonizing which is McAwesome bc we had a lab inspection which involved moving hundreds of pounds of equipment#during which we found a blackwidow and rats which we had to deal with and was a whole thing psychologically on top of the physical toll#the new class fiasco is still popping off and i had to respond to at this point over 400 emails in the fleeting moments outside of lab#AND A STUDENT TRIED TO FINANCIALLY BRIBE THEIR WAY INTO THE CLASS ? ?? ?? ?????#then the instructor wanted to use me as a guinea pig and i had to test new circuit boards but I wasnt given any time to do so properly#i had to test them plus get them operational and deal with my incoming students all in a frantic 10 minute window#im in charge of running our meetings too but the instructor was interrupting and having side conversations that made it really hard-#to train the other people on the new equipment in a smooth manner#which meant that a bunch of people had to keep me after to ask questions which made me late for my drs appointment#where i found out i cant get the new covid vaccine bc my heart and blood levels arnt stable enough#and joanns lost an expensive+critical fabric order of mine+i had to give a big presentation this week on my research that was stressful#and my inbox is still blowing up from being needed all over the place between teaching lab and classes and yall i am. so so tired.#im in so much pain and so stressed out#debating the ethics of turning into a pile of lint to escape my responsibilities and mortal frame
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going crazy about an oc again. like it's my fault
#this is normal behaviour but i get SO pissed off when it's an oc i make for a fic#bc i only ever make fic ocs when their sole purpose is to symbolise something and/or move the plot#like believe it or not i really do try not to have ocs unless it's specifically for the greater good of the fic#so it's like. you are an object to me. you are a tool. WHY have you got your own playlist#cassie you are so. like she's demented she's haunted by a past that broke her she has tried to return three different times regardless#she's whimsical she's erratic she wants to love the world when she has only ever seen the worst sides of it#she found one person who respected her (didn't even treat her kindly. he just viewed her as an autonomous person. that was enough)#and she latched on and didnt let go and now we're here. she followed him to war. she never wanted to fight#she probably wont make it. what the fuck ever#dog teeth#there's another oc in dog teeth that drives me crazy too but his part is much more minimal#i REALLY went hard with dog teeth ocs like they are all so compelling and painful come ON#cass and sasaki u were real to me. im sorry
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Barry is the speedforce?
Yeaaaaaaaah?
It's complicated.
He created it, he generates it, he is the avatar of the speedforce, the keystone of the speedforce, he canonically can't be separated from it, he feels pain when the speedforce does, there are ancient prophecies inferring that Barry is the speedforce, ect. One can't live or exist without the other and they are intrinsically linked.
I guess it just depends how much you want to read into the prophecies? You could look at like 'Barry and the Speedforce are soul bonded' or you could look at it like 'the speedforce and Barry are the same and Barry just doesn't know that'. Personally? I go with the latter.
Also this is not to be confused with the time Bart was the speedforce. Because that also happened. All the other speedsters got sucked into the speedforce and Bart ... sucked the speedforce into himself. He became the speedforce and the speedforce became him. So technically at that time Bart was Bart Allen, the Speedforce, Barry Allen, Wally West, Max Mercury and every other speedster at the same time. Twas weird and strange and Bart did not have a fun time with it.
So yeah, usually Barry is the speedforce but it's never explicitly written out, Bart was once but hated it, and Bart&Max are probably the only two speedsters who actually know/understand that.
#bart was fully aware of this the entire time tok#like he was sitting in bed going 'holy shit im the speedforce. its inside of me. holy shit what the fuck i think i ate my family?!'#absolutely wild time#i mean he did technically eat his family he wasn't wrong#barry wally max and everyone else were INSIDE him and he could FEEL them and thats gotta be super fucking weird#especially because he DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE IN THE SPEEDFORCE#but he couldn't do anything about it#but yeah no Barry has been told all this and he still doesn't get it#like at all#in one ear out the other#wally also doesn't get it#given how hes tried to break the speedforce and barry was on the ground screaming in pain and Wally was like ??? 'wtf is wrong with barry?'#like wally my dude you are currently trying to murder him thats whats wrong with him#dc#the flash#dc comics#kid flash#impulse#bart allen#barry allen
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fic moodboard inspired by into the fire by @gayhoediaz
Buck thinks he could be drenched in gasoline and lit on fire, and it wouldn’t make a difference - he wouldn’t know - he’s already there; they’re it. Their bodies together. Them together.
After all, this is what a fire is - it’s what a fire does. It doesn’t matter how controlled it is, or how contained - a fireplace, or even a harmless, small candle flame - all it takes is one mistake - one misstep - and it devours everything in its path with ruthless enthusiasm.
#reread this one today and was just as good as the first time and I really wanted to make something for it!!!#tried to fit as many stuff as i could hope i managed to get the vibes correctly#if you haven't read this fic look away from the next tags ok great#the elevator kiss. chris's book and what happened after. bobby at the hospital. buck and natalia's talk in the jeep.#buck going over to hen's at night (with the tea). and eddie's and buck's talk at the end#and the do better line with emerald green felt like it was a must#just incredible fic mwah hits all the painful spots#would read it ten more times#so yeah nie thank you for writing this fic and sharing it with us im very grateful for it <3#buddie#fic moodboard#m*mbs#buddie fic
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imogen & fearne in 3x48
#critical role#ygifs#imogen x fearne#imogearne#MUCH to study much to think about much to pine hopelessly for which above all is what I'm gonna do no matter what#from imogen quietly Confronting fearne's parents to fearne quietly Confronting imogen's dad hmmmmM ok im cool#fearne treading carefully through imogen's old life and leaving quiet acts of tenderness ok no yea ok#fearne seeing imogen's beloved horse she's heard so much about and taking the time and ribbons to braid her mane okay..#the dumb excitement they hype in eachother the gestures they keep naturally making only to just. pull back#is it hearing ''that's why I liked her'' and fearne looking to imogen or is it fearne out of nowhere being like no I’m gonna BOW to imogen..#is it fearne Seeing imogen in great pain and Wanting there to be an openness while imogen still smiles and says she’s fine#and it's like deep emotions are New to fearne and yet she still tries to reach out to imogen and imogen being so hurt just smiles#and it's like fearne Knows without Knowing because she feels all too well about being Fine and Smiling#me takin one of those reflex checkers and gently taps this gifset like I hear something there's something in there . .. . . .
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Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.
#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here.#ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i-#-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up-#-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“#not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK#like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college#im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd.#also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds!#why am i being forced to do it again?#also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough#for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why-#-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol#its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life#demand avoidance#medical demand avoidance#chronic illness burnout#chronic illness#chronic pain#medical tw#ptsd#disability#medical neglect#medical trauma#vent#this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first#idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.
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Made some quick pickles with what I'm pretty sure is the last harvest of lemon cucumbers this year. Have to sit in the fridge for a few days first though.
Also made muffins. I have a banana muffin recipe from my mom that I ways use, which calls for 6 very ripe bananas and I only had 3, so instead of halving the recipe I tried substituting the other half for apple sauce. Cut back on the sugar but I think they're slightly too sweet. Probably good with tea or coffee though.
#baking#cooking#my sister among other things accused me of not doing any chores which is actually incredibly infuriating#because any time i take a half day or have some spare time im cleaning something and it is almost never a mess i am responsible for#those are contained to my bedroom#tried to take a day off today bc the migraine is rly bad and my knees yesterday were so painful#but ive spent almost all of it doing chores bc i feel guilty and worried my other roommate also thinks im doing nothing#anyway. sure is something#sure also continues a very long trend that is making me want to light myself on fire
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sorry for the long ass post but this has always my favorite scene in the entire film - for obvious reasons - and im so glad greta talked about it and the way she worded it made me laugh so hard i had tears in my eyes. haha... god. my boyfriend sobbing his eyes out over the metaphorical crusts on his patriarchy sandwich......
#i dont think ill ever love anybody quite the same way that i love Ken#because he came into my life during a time when i was like. dying. not in a haha millennial way. i was genuinely fucking dying.#he is so. special. to me. he is so... everything to me and i truly mean it every time that i say it#i miss and love him so deeply so WHOLEHEARTEDLY *EVERY* single day#and i didn't used to be able to do that anymore! but he!! HE made me feel SAFE again and thats INSANE#because i was SO UNSAFE for SO goddamn long! and the feeling of safety is STILL unfamiliar to me and foreign and horrifying#but he's constantly such a Safe character. Barbie too even moreso. and it's so refreshing after feeling Unsafe for so. long.#i spent over a year feeling like my whole world had ended and i was destined to die but then he! shows up! in my life!#and no other character was able to spark life back into my heart the way he did#AND I HAD *TRIED* I had tried so hard to get into old special interests and find new ones but NOTHING worked#i was just an empty husk. just a shell of a person having flashbacks *constantly*#feeling unsafe *constantly* suffering *constantly* every single second i was awake i was in so much pain#and then every time i'd sleep i'd have the goriest nightmares about all the abuse i was put through and all the F/Os i'd lost#but then Ken Carson plucked a star out of the sky and said 'hey sweet girl you don't know me but i miss you and love you'#'and barbie is here and im here and allan is here and everyone loves you already. we're so happy to meet you'#'and everything is gonna be okay because we've got you! we came for you! and we will fight for you!!'#and then hearing greta comment abt this scene made me laugh so hard and then it hits me. i laugh now.#i laugh so often because of This Dude. i didnt used to be able to laugh before but now i laugh like i used to#i used to say all the time about my past main F/O i had lost from abuse from an IRL person 'i will never love anyone more'#and true i will never love anyone more than i loved my starlight. but here is the thing#i will never love anyone the way i love Barbie. i will never love anyone the way i love Ken Carson#because it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to feel joy for so long and it was. THIS MOVIE that brought me back#when this movie is so full of the most specific triggers. colors. clothes. yet i push thru it every time#and its because these characters make me feel THAT safe!!!! like if i see a trigger i tell myself that's BARBIE'S Thing. and Barbie is safe#ive never ever once had a flashback during the barbie movie NOT even once even tho logically i Should. but i dont.#because these F/Os are like!!! sweet girl!!! we've got you!!! and i'm like yeah you sure do now don't ever let me go#god i cry my eyes out every single time i think about this i need to sleep LMFAO SORRY FOR THE LONG RANT#love notes#💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́-
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i am so over today i want to go home. and sleep for a week. fuckin ouch
#still thinking about that stupid fucking dog. oh my GOD bro#i don't feel bad at all like 1) don't let ur dog run around outside unattended 2) i CANNOT express enough that on top of#them allowing that. they live DIRECTLY beside a high school. teenagers drive on that road every day.#and your hazard of a dog apparently tries to dart across roads like a fucking squirrel#obviously i feel bad for the baby but like. dude. that could have gone so badly? for her or for me and my bf?#i now have further evidence that im a good driver that doesn't swerve. but i don't wanna fucking hit ur dog either.#so glad she's okay bc that would have been devastating for her owners and they were VERY sweet to us about it#alls well that ends well she's just a little road rashed because i clipped her at 30mph or so. poor thing got pingponged across the road#which is a million times better than going up and over her but still. auugh baby. don't leave ur fucking dogs unattended outside.#9pm at night.#she was Shockingly okay. like she wasn't limping or acting like she was in pain at all even tho she was scratched up. very happy about that#very spooked! very spooked baby she was not happy but she wasn't hurt. like it wouldn't have been my fault but#i would have felt TERRIBLE about it. like sorry i hit the baby but like NINE IN THE EVENING? OUTSIDE DOG? THAT BOLTS ACROSS ROADS?#also for reference she's a big girl which is good for her. a smaller dog would not have been okay.#but big dog vs small car. come on man
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feeling weird mixed feelings atm and I can't really logic them away, ig? on the one hand I'm completely apathetic about it. on the other hand there's a part of me that's absolutely horrified that I could do something like that. the fact that it's still a consistent low-level pain the whole time also doesn't help. anyway those kinds of thoughts are then making me want to harm again to cope with them but also a) it's manageable and b) I currently have a deep horror of self-inflicted pain after the last few days apparently.
#more specific blatherings in the tags so im gonna get them below the read more in case anyone doesn't want to read it#tw sh#because yes this is about the last few days and im gonna add a few more words to get the rest below the read more#the fact that while they aren't as deep as i've ever gone before they are unquestionably in volume far exceeding any#before. not that i count at the time or anything but there are at least sixty new cuts from the last week so no wonder it's painful#but yeah it's just. an interesting emotional feeling once the pressure that triggered them is gone#i don't know i don't understand myself really#glad i have a psych appointment monday really#if i didn't have one booked i'd probably be booking one about now#also bothered by how visible the ones on my wrist are going to be.#hopefully the redness will go away soon bc i don't think they're quite healed yet#teatree oil is helping tho so hopefully they won't be TOO obvious#the location means that yeah they will be visible but hopefully not too too much#and after all i have only for-sure hit the fat layer twice. maybe a few other times. there are a couple taking ages to heal atm#so they might've idk. and i haven't gone any deeper than that#honestly with the wrist ones the fact is that it was blunt and i couldn't#sharpen it at hte time. perhaps tmi but yeah this may have saved my life and or my hand function#but i might be overstating it. anyway apparently that was three weeks and one day ago?? wow#guys that entire day i was convinced i wasn't going to live to see the morning. the WHOLE DAY#i literally have a commie newspaper on my desk currently because they tried selling it at uni and i was so existential i was just like.#'what is life. what is money. who cares' and bought it. see this is the funny story i referred to. i can elaborate#personal#puddleglum hours#tw suicide
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.
#meg talks#abt to head back into work#the start of a long fucking week#last time i tried to go back to work i literally collapsed on the ground from how tired and sick i was#if anything it feels like im just getting worse now#my nerve pain is so bad#and my coughing fits make me see spots#at least i don’t have fever anymore and the congestion isn’t as bad#i can breathe okay#but god. im scared that this will be my new baseline#which will mean that i can’t work here anymore…#and it’s just too early to tell. it could take weeks to get my full strength back and i might be fine#but that’s weeks of wondering#and trying to muscle through#which could be making things worse. fuck if i know#i want to quit so bad but at the same time i don’t want to. i don’t want to be muscled out#it just sucks so bad.#and they let this happen to fucking ten out of fifteen of us all at the same time#they really don’t give a shit about our lives#they can always just replace us with cheaper labor.
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