#maybe because this isnt worth being proud of | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

qumiiiquinnquin · 8 days

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i feel like its better without my art out there, my ideas presented in visual form on a canvas. i feel like my art does nothing or does not leave impressions. i know thats not true because people compliment my art, and i should be grateful enough or that to not want to quit as badly as ive wanted to for several years. but others have much better ideas and have more creative ways of presenting it. others can actually get far with their art. they have a supportive circle that wants them to keep creating above and beyond. i have a lot to improve on, but the work it will take to improve is not my problem. its not really feeling like im never improving, though ive whined about that too. its just more, why am i creating? its okay to create simply for the sake of creating, its even okay to create for no particular reason. maybe its your reason to live. but what if you hate it? what keeps you going? what if you dont think you're good enough, what is the point in keeping this canvas open and continue working on this drawing? is it worth continuing to create? then what will you do without your passion?

i haven't completely given up yet because its admittedly difficult. i can despise my art but i often do come around or get myself to stop comparing myself to others or encourage myself enough that people like what i do - it does not have to be perfect or up to par with other people's talents. being a creative doesn't mean setting an unreachable bar for yourself. creating isnt a competition. even if i have such intense moments of hate that ive come close to deleting files and art programs and setting my physical art on fire, they do pass and im fine and open a canvas again. but its the fact that ive been feeling like this for years and overall do not like my art, even if i have improved and recognize that improvement. its something to be proud of for sure, and oftentimes i am. but i notice im becoming so unhappy with anything made by me that im even considering giving up, and feel so close to actually committing to it. ive been extremely upset with my art before, only in 2019 or 2020 did the thought of destroying my art start to form and become reoccurring. but if i did something like that, my plan wasn't to completely stop and give up. i wouldve picked up a pencil again several years later and give it another go. but im contemplating giving up completely and not doing it again at all now.

before i deactivate any of my accounts in the future for various reasons, my plan is to upload all of my works in progress. i want people to do what they want with them. i dont care what. i dont have any respect for my art anymore.

#vent #long post

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bookishtheaterlover7 · 3 months

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👸- I'm breaking my rule of not talking about them for a hot second. I know this is lengthy, but I have a lot to say about how they are trying to drum up media by using fans.

It just occured to me we, the fans whoever is left, were used again. They saw pur comments about not giving them attention and adjusted thier strategy.

We all saw the photos discusses for maybe 180 minutes and then moved on. We all know they gave us what we all said last tine was missing/odd down to her out of place (we assume cause no one could actually see the dress) outfit and ridiculous heels to a "loving" hand hold flashing the ring.

But we all went theres a picture of before a possible kiss and after a possible kiss. But somehow they missed the money shot which many of us saw as in they didnt or whatever. Then we moved on to other topics and Then 24 hours later we get a video with 2 kisses and the video of said walking out.

THE PICTURE AND VIDEO OF THE KISS WAS HELD DELIBERTLY.

They did this deliberately to make sure fans talk about them for longer. Otherwise the picture of the kiss would have been released with all the others.

They did this because fans said that they arent going to give them and the poop show attention so it can go away faster. So what do thier teams do? Split up the relases. Usually outlets would have both whoever the pics were sold too usually gers the video but regardless the video is usually released at the same time.

And robert patterson who isnt media shy with his significant other went out the back to try and leave privately while the couple that says they are private didn't find a private way to leave.

chris and ebola waited infront of the glass in a weird position then give us those two very loving kisses. (I hope you all can detect my tone here)

We all saw her smirk and Chris' other language fans know so well. And if his body language starts changing again we will know it's because we all discussed it and the lurkers saw. If his body language doesnt change, that's a point in the win collum of it bejng true. Go ship. So congratulations, we all believe it is now true love!

The truth is no amount of papwalks can convince us anything other than someone seriously is holding something over Chris because I dont see any other reason why he's being forced to change to sell it. Its one thing to show up places, but having them try and act more like a couple from him is also another sign that its a sham. We have what 2 years' worth of videos to watch how they interact to compare to, so stop trying to give notes it makes everyone looks worse.

Real couples don't change what they wear and how they hold hands and act based on what fans say. Why because its idotic to do so no one wants to pretend to be aomeone they're nkt and destroys relationships as you can be who you are. And while im assuming that was gunna be the break uo angle- blame it on the fans you can't this time. Why?

This time you can blame his fans because its not just his fans the gen public online isn't buying thany of this bull 💩. That is based on Instagram comments and website comments all which have been limited/turned off the ability to comment.

After Britney Spears being forced to say she's fine for media ( a totally diffrent aituation minus that she was forced to lie that she is ok) and after Will smith and Jada revealed theyve seen seperated for 6 years but pretend theyre together for media reasons, people don't believe a lot of what's 'saud' ??and they especially dont believe/m and questjjn Hollywood couples like they used to

I have been so proud of the fandom or rather what is left to getting rid of the lablels and limiting our discussions.

Regardless if its her pr team CAA's team who is not only Chris' (as they are invested and actually have a distribution type role (i forget the exact name) in her new movie i teams really just proved how fake everything is and that they are lurking otherwise why would everything we all said across milti platforms tumblr, instagram and lipstick queen was suddenly included in this walk.

Do you want us to be convinced it's really a real relationship and they are just in the media to drum up press for thier releases?

(She had a movie that opened 2 days ago over seas)

Do you want to prove they are a real couple?

Then don't release ANYTHING for the next 2 months. No pap walks no reels no photos no stories, no magazine or website blurbs or sources, and no photos carousel of even Dodger. Her movies is released in 2 more places one in the end of January. The other was supposed to be in February but when I just checked the date was removed. Othwewise I expect to see another dog and pony show on or around January 27th.

If we get nothing for two months including Valentine’s day and this included blurbs in mags/online or "sources". Putting nothing out there it will go a long way to convince people that they are a private couple and they are together.

If not and we get one as planned on or around the 27th....

The truth is that her career is a non starter in the usa/north america. Not everyone makes it here- we all have seen way too much of her and since that didnt get any media coverage of that scandle nothing will really get her talken about minus 1 thing:

a REAL break up article

His career is close to being the same. We all see how Chris looks and the diffrent man he is now. Some are still holding out hope that well once again see the man who tweeted if you hang out with racists you are a racist even a charity wants nothing to do with him and he did do a lot for them, we all see that and that. That's why chris' career will dissapear or be on the c or d list as the man who used to be thst superhwro guy. My Point is:

IF YOU CONTINUE TO USE FANS LIKE THIS he won't have a career to go back to and all you press agents will be dropped because he wont have mkney to spend on people.. people who helped his career go down in flames. The only way he'll really be talked about for more thsn 300 minutes is if there is a break up article with truths

Otherwise we'll see you both again at the end of January and Chris will be told to adjust/change what he did wrong.... at least hollywoof knows he can take direction... we'll see the photos first sent to obscure blogs/accounts, then an outlet and then apprently video follows the photos now because you are all THAT desperate

P.S. it's a great choice to have him get makeup done makeup job on He looks a lot healthier (no one is buying that he actually changed that much in such a small amount of time is he wearing the new Prada or Dior foundation?)

No need for me to add anything else... 👸 said her peace, and damn is it everything and beautiful!

#👸 asks #An🫶n asks #booky reacts #booky answers #chris evans #chris evans fandom #alba baptista #chris and alba pr #still not buying this bullshit!#📣📣📣📣📣

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symbioticsimplicity · 1 year

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I just remembered Billy Hargrove existed and I'm about to make it everyone's problem.

Okay, so first of all, I've only seen like bits and pieces of season 2 and none of season 1 so if I get things wrong, that's why. (I'll fix it eventually when I'm less sick and miserable.)

But Billy struck me as a lot of wasted potential. He was a foil for Steve, I get that, but I feel like they could have kept that up while still bringing him back around instead of killing him off.

Like yeah, he's got anger issues like a motherfucker, but they could have kept that while just giving him something to take it out on. Give me this big, pretty, asshole seeing his sister in danger (the sister he claims not to like and isn't very good to) from a nightmare monster, realizing his endless reserves of rage could save a life instead of take one.

Give the Party a goddamn berserker.

Like sure, he's not soft and motherly like Steve and none of them would ever go to him for life advice, but hes sure as shit made sure they didn't die often enough for them to at least tollerate him. Maybe he's even maimed a monster in a cool enough way for one of the kids to give him props for it. Imagine if that was the first time someone told him he'd done something worth being proud of.

The praise becomes the thing he lives for, even if its from a bunch of dumb kids. The kids who are all a lot smarter than anyone really wants them to be, who take notice of this. So they start praising him more.

They might not know what happens to him at home, but they know that kind of rage doesn't come from nowhere. Or, most of them don't know. Will and Jonathan who both survived an abusive father, clock him immediately.

Billy doesn't take kindly to pity though and he's too hurt and raw to really get close to. So they don't address it directly, they just keep giving him what they can and he keeps protecting them when its go time.

Billy and Steve have probably the weirdest relationship out of all of them. Steve is too mouthy to keep all of his thoughts to himself and he won't just let Billy be mean to the kids either. They nearly get into it whenever they're nearby each other if there isn't an immediate threat. Billy thinks Steve is spoiled and too soft and will take any excuse to throw hands with him. They're a mess.

It becomes common Party knowledge not to leave them alone together, which works right up until they get stuck together during a plan gone wrong.

They bitch at each other the whole time because it isnt the time or place to fist fight. Some harsh words get thrown around until a dig hits a little too close to home and forces some emotional honest out of Steve first. He snaps about how his life isn't the happy place people assume it should be, would he even be here if it was? He rants about how the only truly good thing he has going for him, the only real love he gets, is from those kids. That’s why he's still there, why he always will be, and why he'd die to protect them.

And Billy who's slowly been tamed down by their kindness and weird affection, he gets that at least. He doesn't say it, can't, his throat closes up whenever a real feeling comes over him, but he gets it.

After that he's not as hostile as he used to be. He's still sharp around the edges and he's still hurt, but he doesn’t want to cut every single person who touches him.

By the time season 3 comes around, he's the Party's big attack dog. Can be pet only by Party members and if anyone so much as looks at them wrong, he's ready to throw down.

He makes an effort with Max too. Tries to be more like a brother, and he finds out that he actually likes Max beneath the resentment for their circumstances. He figures out he wasn't really mad at her, but everything else. They bond over surprisingly similar interests and personalities. He loves her sharp wit and envies her ability to say things that could turn a person to ash on the spot. She's kind of a bitch and he can respect that.

When he gets possessed, the Party focus more on fixing him than just defeating him. El uses their own connection to help lend Billy the strength to fight back when she goes into his mind. He remembers that his life isn't a hopeless void anymore, that he has people to protect, people hes come to love as loathe as he is to admit it.

He fights with everything he has and frees himself from possession. It was hard on him and he passes out, spends a few days in the hospital unconscious, but he pulls through.

The kids are there to meet him when he wakes up. Max cries and hugs him and for the first time he feels like maybe he's worth a shit, like maybe he's worth loving.

#billy hargrove #stranger things #IT WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE GUYS #i cannot tell you how badly i wanted to see him get redeemed #i want him to be the angery older brother who would kill a man over his sibling and her friends #steve shouldnt be the only character to have gotten a redemption arc #and I'm sick of this show making interesting characters just to kill them off #also i would have loved to see him Steve and Eddie all having to function around one another #like please

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tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors · 10 months

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yall know i dont like to be a downer but i wanted to keep you appraised of the situation since it effects the blog

So with the rise of this AI scraping im just.... lowkey feeling kind of violated by it (maybe thats silly but) and the knowledge that this. evil thing that is genuinely trying to replace my craft, the thing i've dedicated my life to being good at, and replace it with machine-generated generic wheat thin content. people in my real actual life are telling me that i need to get into another career because soon there will be no need for artists

and the fact that theyre doing this by stealing my content is just so beyond the pale cruel i cant even speak

so i've seen people turning their Ao3 account private, only visible to logged in users. i thought about that, but i post on tumblr too, so it could still be scraped from there.

but engagment on tumblr has dropped so much for my fics anyway, and thats even with the safe bet that those of you who are still here are here for me more so than you are for thomas sanders content with the content drought. this isnt me dunking on thomas, just something people have told me

so im at this crossroads where i have to weigh the pros and cons. i like posting to tumblr, i like ask responses, i like being able to tag all of my metatext a lore for yall and for MY use. but i just dont know if those are worth the knowledge that these content scrapers are stealing my shit every hour of the day

so. i may wind up switching to just Ao3 and visible to only logged in users. im still deciding, because it would be a HUGE and possible weeks-long endeavor to clear my blog of written fic AND change the settings on Ao3, and i know for a fact i have readers who cant use ao3 at all due to real life constraints, and i dont want to leave them in the lurch

so i dont know. tell me your thoughts! i dont want to make my writing inaccessible to any of you, but this is really, really bothering me. the idea of lines i was so proud of possibly being spit out by a machine in someone elses "work" and claimed as original is just. im sorry but i literally cannot bear it.

if you dont have an Ao3 account but want one, feel free to DM me. i have a lot of invites saved up

#violet.txt #discourse

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binalakai · 2 days

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sometimes i really wanna speak up against whats its like to recognize gaslighting and abuse and manipulation right in front of you no matter how much concrete proof you have . you can have recordings, screenshots, witnesses, everything in the world. but suddenly YOURE the bad awful person for being paranoid about those things in the first place. YOURE the shitty one for trying to form safety nets in case you recognize patterns and try to make do with what you can to survive in a chaotic situation its what i feel like i was born for, like ive been preparing my entire life for it. . i couldnt avoid it both on and offline. thats just been my entire life, of having concepts and experiences im supposed to make sense of and being told that whatever i have just isnt true. or even if it is True "it just isnt fair. its just not fair to human beings just trying to grow" as if the people around you trying to grow too are just stepping stones towards a comfortably uncomfortable guilty conscious that Just ...makes sense to have for some reason???? it feels weird growing up in a world that's trying to change too as much as you are. with maybe a handful of people that genuinely are trying. and failing, but trying really hard to be good people because thats whats Easy to Want. HARD to do but really really Easy to want because its expected and taught and celebrated to be that way. i have to respect it but. man u also gotta remember that people are, most of the time, happy with what they believe.. even if it means Sacrificing that Very Ideology. ironically enough they can be the same people that crave goodness as much as they betray it.. as much as they can sometimes even excuse their want for goodness to commit unforgivable actions. even when things get better its hard to disregard when times were worse and not knowing why it had to be that way. and unless you really jeopardize your own safety and privacy, and lose loved ones you really care about in the process because of Differences in Values/Morals, all for the sake of a self perceived Form of control and Agency over your life...it truly isnt fucking worth it. defending yourself. youre free to argue against me saying that there is merit in standing up for yourself but until you're in a space with open minded people that wont openly deny whats in front of them its. torture nearly. to deal with that. im lucky that i care more about my ideas than people. people are just numbers but the types of people u can find yourself surrounded with from caring about your own ideas truly is in control of your Own hands.,,,most of the time. i am in awe completely over people that are okay with being the victim. im even baffled by people that find some sort of safety in that, like its something to be proud of.. or people that will straight up find Comfort in believing that they are a victim of something even when the things that theyve done are completely by their own hand. i find the identity of being a "victim" exhausting and horrible to live with. therefore i actively choose to Not Be It even when i know in objective terms that I am, that's not what *my* reality tells me. so i dont.

#vent #long post #ill accept replies but this was not a well thought out post n more like a word dump #that i had to get out of my system before i work on finals again #but i felt like this had to be public rather than private unlike most journally sessions #because i want it to be n i feel like its finally safe to Talk about it outloud

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kozykricket · 5 months

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i was just thinking today about how like I think ive posted before about how... i like to just, remind my friends every so often that they mean a lot to me, because not only does it feel great to just... tell people the truth of how i care about them, but its so easy in this world to get caught up in so many stresses, in various cycles... like constant productivity, or something else and just... forget your worth in the world so, its nice to remind people, to even just acknowledge their existence, that they matter to you. that they have worth and y'know, as much as im shy still, i hope when i get out into the world more, that i do this to people there too. even people you dont know very well. sometimes the smallest of words can brighten someones day. just... little compliments, reminders that they exist, they arent invisible, that they matter. it doesnt need to be anything extravagant. just a "how've you been?" to someone you havent talked to in a while can mean the world to them

i actually talked to my mom about this and she said she especially tries to compliment people on their outfits etc if they're clearly expressing themselves uniquely, wearing something that isnt so generic, etc. because like. hell yeah! go you! and thus i shall remind everyone reading this to... be the main character in your life. express yourself how YOU want to be, even if its hard to find sometimes. i sometimes get caught up in trying to be who others would want me to be, needing to prove myself but.... be you. and be proud of being uniquely you. you dont need to be completely groundbreaking, but you shouldnt feel invisible to yourself either; you're a unique individual, to show it off is to be human.

to whoevers reading this, i hope you remember that you exist and matter to people. maybe even to people who you dont even know that much! but you're a unique individual and theres no other "you" out there.

#positivity #jake ramblings

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astranne · 2 years

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Hhh just got around to remembering anxious!xiao brainrots so here u go!

For starters, im calling him a nerd. I love ners tropes so much they itch my brain so perfectly. He can probably read off his favorite science/math/history book in the exact words. If your lucky he can even cite the direct sources.

Anxious!Xiao not knowing when he should speak during conversations and just floating in the background or ignoring large groups entirely, if they arent his friends he arent going near them. Double fuck no if theyre anyone that bullies him.

Anxious!Xiao knowing how to kick ass. As in, if someone fucks with him he will lay their ass on the ground immediately. Im a firm believer in Xiao being able to takw someone out easily despite their size. He wont say anything of course after he wins a fight, he doesnt want that type of attention.

Anxious!Xiao only being himself to close friends and people he truly trust because everyone uses him and he believes he isnt worth their time or friendship after they all leave him after they get what they want from him. Xiao getting rlly bad anxiety when they add him to group chats and just lurking in the background until someone speaks to him directly (now theyre wondering when he was added).

Now a few purely indulgent headcanons

I will be a strong believer in Xiao's ear twitching when someone says his name and knowing exactly who it is. Also, Xiao having a pet bird. Dont ask just him with a pet bird. Also Xiao just infodumping about his favorite thing whoever has been unlucky enough to ask.

And for some angst.

Xiao's caregivers only caring about his grades, when they ask about why he has anything lower than a A his anxiety gets worse, his caregivers are probably acutely aware of this man's crippling anxiety but they ignore it, because he has grades and school to take care of. Xiao's siblings picking on him for not having many friends or not going out as much and making fun of him for fidgeting or stuttering when he speaks, or when hes speaking softly they mock his voice so he just clams up (love u xiao i promise 😊).

Xiao getting bullied but the moment they mention any of his younger siblings he decks them in the face and might even give them a black eye, or might even sprain their wrists only Xiao can mess with his younger siblings. (Alternatively, Xiao being the fun big brother to anyone younger than him because he adopts the outcasts of his school)

I feel as though this was longer than usual for some reason. The amount of times i had to retype this because i closed the tumblr app (i write on my phone) and fell asleep halfway because i started writing this at like 5am 🫡 i did get sleep i just love staying up late during the summer

-🪶

ANXIOUS!XIAO- XIAO BRAINROTS- FROM FISCHL ANON, TODAY IS A BLESSED DAY-

xiao is a nerd. yes he is. he is just so smart <3 and he's really proud of it too. also- xiao with glasses- HHHHHH- but like, the round glasses, with very thing metal thingies if you get what i mean,,, and then him just pushing it up and mumbling about homework and uasiudfgjha-

anxious!xiao who has no idea how to interact with anyone, like anyone at all. it makes him super nervous and he'd rather not speak at all if that means he won't embarrass himself. especially if it's a group of strangers- xiao is an introvert.

also, xiao being a badass and no one knowing he is one- i- yeah, he will absolutely destroy someone if he wants. but until he gets to this point... takes a rather long time and this is why he often gets picked on. they all think he's weak, but he is in fact not, he's just the bigger person abt it <3

anxious xiao who has very few friends, maybe one or two and even with them he feels just... so anxious. class chats always end up with him reading but never writing/sending something, not even homework when someone asks. he just can't- he gets too nervous, fearing another situation, where he ends up used and alone. he just doesn't really have trust in humans anymore :(

PLEASE?? xiao with a bird??? that bird's name is alatus and is his one big love. when someone asks if he has a pet, xiao will literally bloom and hhhhhh- just talk about his fav lil birdie.

sobbing rn. this hurts really deep. my heart is bleeding- xiao's family just being assholes and xiao can't do anything about it and they only make it worse- this is why he's always studying so it doesn't get worse. he has the unhealthy mindset of being perfect and it's- not good for him :((

but him still being protective of his family is just <3333 xiao, you're perfect and i love you very much <333

just- xiao, who has problems with social things because he never learned, always feeling pressured thanks to his family but he can't just- stop. he has to continue, so they will be proud, he has to protect his siblings, because who else will??

ALSO- thank you sm for sending this!!! i totally feel this, tumblr moblie can be a fuckin bitch <33 but please get enough rest, even tho it's summer :)

#genshin impact #xiao #modern au xiao #xiao brainrot #genshin xiao #xiao genshin impact #✨ star dust #⭐️ 🪶.star #i always love it when you send so long asks and i know it takes a lot of time #please know i treasure these brainrots very much <3 #🌚 knowing moon

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effervescentdragon · 2 years

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Good evening my darling Akira. It is I, not-drunk-but-definitely-not-sober Dee!

This message is brought to you by spiced Rum. Sadly this has been an evening of drinking in my house (alone- blame work), so I haven’t gone feral in front of my friends again. Which I think is boring but also maybe good. I fear they may be worried about me 😹 my friend Meg and her guy keep asking if they need to set me up with religious people because of my crucifix meltdown. I’m tempted honestly 💀

HOWEVER. I did just do a thing ….. I’ve been thinking about going to Bruges and/or Amsterdam for a few days on a little break. But I have no one to go with….my friends are either busy or have children and responsibilities or are just being boring, and I was scared at the thought of going alone because I’ve never been out of the country by myself. But I guess I am now!?!?! Flights and hotels are booked, and I go in like 3 weeks 😵‍💫😹

There is every chance I’m going to regret this tomorrow but fuck it right? It’s an adventure. And also non-refundable.

Anyways. I’ve gotta go walk the dog and then actually sleep and stop being feral on here so I can be at least semi-competent at work tomorrow, if I ever want to convince them to sponsor the wag agenda!!

Goodnight & Ily 🖤

Dearest, dearest Dee, I've saved up this ask and haven't precisely forgotten about it, just, the time was never quite right! But, here we are, a day before your trip, and I think it's time.

First of all, again, I am so proud of you for doing this. It's vwry brave, in my not so humble opinion, to just set off on an adventure. Very Bilbo Baggins of you, I whole-heartedly approve!! 😻 the gold you will come back will be the memories, unless you find some real gold somewhere, in which case, we can fund the WAG agenda ourselves, and I volunteer as a tribute! 😹😹💖

Secondly, I will spare you another crucifix meltdown, because if i start, I will not stop, and you have to pack, and my bestie is coming bcs we have some battle plans to make on this lovely Thursday. So, qhat I wanted to say is this:

- youre going to netherlands on Monza race week. please, leave your merc and ferrari merch home 😹;

- dont fight people over f1. its not worth it, getting arrested in a foreign country, when its not italy, and the person youre fighting isnt mattia;

- here is some coffe recs ive scrounged up for you, just in case - this, this, this (this one apparently has a bar w the same owner across the street!), this, this (these two are in bruges, and every time i tyoe that, i think of colin farell, nom nom nom), anyways i chose them from like too many websites on vibes only, where i'd go as a tourist, so if you do visit any, or find some better ones yourselves, send me all the coffee pics!! 😘;

- be sure to stay safe at all times, but also, have fun. im the devil on your shoulder telling you its okay to have fun, and that you're awesome for doing this, and that it's gonna be awesome 💖💖💖💖💖

Now go, pack, dont forget electronics, panties (or do, you know, i dont judge 😏), enough meds for a double time there just in case, and your toothbrush! ILY 🫂💖

EDIT: also. dont forget the passport lines, bcs your govt is shit, and now you have to wait in lines.

#dee gets all the rights #dee tag <3 #akira answers asks #its gonna be awesome istg and im so happy for you!!!

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somerandomgonk20 · 2 years

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Okay so! NERDY RAMBLE POST LETS GO

(about like audio stuff, major geek out post)

this is all for archival purposes btw, its a live recording of a niche album from a niche artist (I'm not even sure this is the studio release i think its more ripped straight from the soundboard, I think there's two Mi Sei Appraso’s and i know for a fact i cant find one so I, well went out of my way to make sure I'd always have this one

This is an MP3 a little LQ side render so i can shove it on Tumblr.

I got the ‘original’ recording down at about 48khz though tbh I'd guess the recording OG is probably resting A couple notches lower ((i mean the 90′s indie venues it was probs recorded onto tape lets be real and i mean the slight hiss and general sound supports that, (not to say cassette cant sound fucking great when it wants too mind you) but you know those warm tones, the slightly tinny high ends. classic cassette hallmarks))

CONTACT ME IF YOU WANT THE ALBUM FR idk its just gonna be sat around otherwise, full lossless version is about 270MB i mean its more for personal use but whatever. (im also saving more standard MP3 forms sitting at about 70mb total)

there's only one upload of the album i can find anywhere, and with jason molina dead and the official archives that got put up are sadly not as supported or atleast under maint? maybe... anyways a whole heap of stuff is partially lost and youtube uploads are sketch as fuck for long term upkeep. srs doubt on longevity, there was a very brief vinyl pressing but oml that was over 30 years ago and small batch, actually not to mention this doesnt seem to be the album release as much as a proto live performance so maybe its even rarer tbh tbh though worth mentioning what drove me to this is being unable to get the offical album anywhere as the YouTube upload was taken down so rip oh yeah, the small popularity boom he had seems to be largely faded. but welp welp. audio stuff is fun

(thankfully because these are indie gigs in the 90's most of them seem saved to HQ cassette Reels but it means theres a little more room for my inexperience and screw ups and honestly means i dont have to save it to the absolute maximum file quality to match recording quality [i mean i still did but sue me] anyways, fun time c: o yea yea)

idk im just proud of myself, tinkering with audio always makes me smile. this isnt really for anybody as much as i just, like talking about this stuff.

oh ya only fair, Source i grabbed these from:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO1VKARclM4

RIP jason 16/3/13

#Audio Archive #Jason Molina #Ramble

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onmymasa22 · 16 days

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Right now i feel inspired. To create, to take over the world. Where i dont know what life will bring, where it will take me, but i just want to create. I want to fall in love with painting. I want thick and squeezing and hands into something. Tomorrow i hope to hashem that ill have the same desire to paint and love life.

Hashem this year, i want to remember that you are with me. Because im human and i forget sometimes. Friends are important so that we never feel alone.

Sometimes people come to me for advice and all i can do is tell them that they aren't alone, because im there to help or just be with them. And

I feel like its different when ur with other people and when ur with me. I dont know exactly what it is. Maybe its a different sparkle in your eye. You look like youre happy. I just see something different in you. Like you just look at me and i melt. When you told me you wanted to make those three to ten kids with me. When you told me i couldve come in pajamas. When you didnt care that my breathe smelt like garlic. When you told me that im beautiful inside and out. I see a different light in you. The way you look in my eyes. The way you smile while looking at me. The way holding you just feels like the ocean. I love making you breathe deeply or when you give me a hard time. Or when someone said i had a boney butt, but you said u like my butt. I like it when u said ur smiling and laughing so hard your face hurts. When we're with others its ok. But when we're together, i see something different. I see a twinkle. I see how beautiful u are. You are such a beautiful man.

I want a husband who is so inlove with me. Who is so grateful im in his life. Who needs to be around me. Who will check with me before physical stuff. Who accepts me for everythibg i am and everything im not. Who pushed me to be better. Who can communicate and is positive and happy. Who loves me when hes happy, not when hes sad or lonely.

After a while of not being happy, but for no good reason, and then not being happy for all the reasons, i finally feel happy. And it doesnt have to do with any kind of situation differnce. Teachers are still annoying, friends share my secrets. But i stopped caring. I just call them a pineapple and keep going. They want to be upset, let them, they want to give me stumbling blocks, ill be okay. I just want to enjoy each and every day that i have.

He texted me that im really nice and cute and I'm a good person but I'm not for him. That's ok. Maybe we'll be friends instead. It was a nice run. It's my dating for purim time. I was hopeful and i kind of treat people like we're already friends. Ahhh maybe he wants to have sex with someone. Thats cool. Its not me, but its cool. We can go to being friends. It was all fake. The wanting to be closer, the compliments, all of it. Everything he said was a lie. And im still me. Im still ok. Im pissed. Im frustrated. I saw more than maybe there was. Maybe we dont vibe. Maybe he likes eli.

Ok. We kind of broke it off today. I dont let people see me sweat. I dont act emotional. I kind of just use my brain. I need to heal myself. That isnt his responsibility to do. Now, with myself i can be emotional. I need to heal myself. It was three weeks, but it was a good three weeks.

I need to just go through my feelings. I kind of just clam up. Like i wont let them see me sweat. And thats ok. I love myself. Im proud of myself. I appreciate myself. I am inoove with myself and i just need to show myself love.

I was this day old when i had a relationship where i was fully me. I was comunicative. I

Me getting angry at you, it means i cared. See, i dont care enough about anybody and thats not always a good thing. It feels sometimes like nothing hurts me when u dont let people inside. I dont plan on anyone staying, i dont plan on people sticking by their words or actions. People get to do whatever they want. They can choose me, or wont. Ill still be here thinking i deserve the world. My worth doesnt corespobd to being chosen. Is a flower not as beautiful because no one picked it. Dalya, you are a flower no one paid attention to. The right person will pick u but people who aren't right will spend a few weeks with you anf understand that they aren't the right ones.

Im having trouble with this life. I want to b ok.

I want a guy who will just be good to me. Someone who loves me and accepts me no matter what. Someone who believes in hashem with all their being. Someone who stands by their word. Someone who makes me be better. Someone i can love and accept and make them better.

A young guy says to a rabbi- im having a really hard time with with davening. How can i work on it? The rabbi then asks, what do you like? The young man said i like chessed. So the rabbi says, put davening asside. Work on chessed. Everyone is shocked. The man says well how do i work on chessed? The rabbi says- start small. When you walk into a room, and a person is in the room, say hello. If a kid is in the room, say hello to the kid. If hashem is in the room, say hello to hashem

I think youre an asshole. I think if i had lower self asteem or i actually trusted u, u would b really damaging. I think guys like you are assholes. U r just grimy, and i am not grimy. A part of me is bothered that u continue on like u r decent and ur not. Youre slimy. And a part of me wishes i could tell u how slimy u r, how i wish i never knew u, how i wish u wouldnt text me again. A part of me thinks that you should just disappear into the darkness of my past. Maybe that part of me is all of me. The part of me that wants for that to disappear.

I just wanted to say thank you for creating a space where i can go out with my phone on 13 percent battery and know that ill be fine because its a space to connect with people and im barrly on my phone. Almost every event i find myself having a

I just wanting to say thank you for creating a forum where I dont need to care whether I have battery on my phone. I know that I can come to an event with my phone on 13% and be totally okay because it's about deep connections with whoever is around me, and not being on a cellphone.

Dalya

because the energy is to connect with people, not to be on my phone. Its a space where i

Things that show me im on the right path:

Shai barzilai told me that there's something wild about me and i need to let it out. That "i have it". To keep drawing alot. I said i work fast but not good, he said i work great.

When rachel keeny said that im an artist. And i was like what?! She was like you're an artist. I said im never sure that im in the right place. She said you are.

When meir says that what i did was interesting. When he says that it finds favor in his eyes. The smile and his eyes when he looks at it.

Things that give me energy:

Creating art

Volunteering with old people

I want to read book, to paint and draw and sculpt.

I started out as a star. And hashem said, do you want to go to earth for an insanely short period of time and feel every emotion that exists.

I lived, i loved, and i felt it all.

I love the look on yonatans face when hed sit and watch me draw and id look at him and he'd smile. Like watching me work gave him pleasure.

I want to learn how to draw with dry pastels Marriage will not make me happy. Having a good job will not make me happy. I could be married and be unhappy. I could be single and be unhappy. I really just want to be happy.

I was in a guest bedroom

And i remember looking in the mirror at myself and telling myself that today you are going to say everything that comes into your head. So its a memory of pointing at myself in the mirror.

The next thing is me bleeding from my face, my nose and my eyes and everything. Blood on the floor. Its sitting on the floor and knowing that im gonna live, i checked to see if i still had my legs, if i still had my arms, if all my teeth were still in my mouth.

Saying no was scary. Because the courage it takes to say know is all the energy in your body. But then if you say no amd they ignore you, you feel invisible. And the feeling of being invisible, is the worst feeling in the world. So you would rather blame yourself for not saying anything, than deal with the fact that you clumpt together all the courage in your body and it didnt do anything.

Yaakov was a gilgul of adam and thats why yaakov was the most beautiful- he wasnt born, he was created by hashem.

When yosef refuses to sleep with her. It uses the word refuse. And theres a shalaheles about the word meaning a chain linking it to somewhere else. The word is found where it talks about yaakov refusing to b comforted to believe that yosef is dead until he sees a dead body. Because yosef says, he wont give up on himself, because he believes that his father didnt give up on him yet

On this purim i am letting myself breathe. I am letting myself be slow. I am letting the feeling that ive pent up inside come out. I am crying freely and letting myself feel sad and homesick and grateful at the same time. I am healing. And this is what my healing looks like. I am going through stuff that i dont want to talk about. I have a wheel of feelings that are different all the time. I just want life to stop so i can feel. But it doesnt, so i tske it easy and try to enjoy the ride.

Im trying to convince myself that im better off without that. That I'm not missing out on anything real or worthy. Im sad now. And im far away. And i want to be back in my happy self. I just want to daven. And be who i am. I am light. I am everything good. I am perfection deep down. I have some dirt still that i got back into. But hey, i kept shabbat all year except for once. I want to be a beam of light again. I need good energy. Energy that matches who i want to be.

I think the biggest part about my trauma is that i stopped trusting ppl enough to be hut by them. I stopped showing them i was hurt. I wont let them feel like they hurt me. It doesn't mean they didnt, but it means my guard is always up. I cant let my guard down. Duh.

When i tell u ir try to convince u im not a good person, its a lie. Its a facade because i dont want u to know how good i am. So its like a mask. But actually, im so good and pure. And i dont know if the lie works. But its also a wall. If someone hurts me knowing how good i am, it hurts more than thinking i deserve it. Its easier to blame mysekf than to blsme someone else as just being an asshole.

I am the girlfriend who will call and just listen to you breathe. I will make u laugh and hold you when i can. I am the type to love with such passion and loyalty. I am such a gift. I am light. I am not like other girls. I am beautiful inside and out.

I am waiting for the one who thinks he is so lucky to have me. Who wants to spend every second of every day with me. Who answers my phonecalls. Im the girl who will stay. Who will try to gigure out how to deal with whatever. Who will have the conversations. I want everyone to love everything about me. I am the girl a guy should want to marry from first sight. He'll see me and know. Then he'll talk to me and really know. He should be the best person ever.

I realized, there's not one teacher who will talk about my hagasha that ill respect or appreciate their opinion.

אנחנו בשנה ג. אז היו לי הגשות שהרגיש טוב, והיו הגשות שפגע בי אישית שהייתי צריכה להרגע אחר כך כי לא ציפיתי. עכשיו הגעתי למקום שאני מרוצה, ואני צריכים להגיד את הדעות שלכם בתור מרצים, וחצי מכם לא תאהובו את מה שעשיתי לא משנה מה, רק בגלל שזאת אני. ואני אומרת לעצמי שזה משקף אתכם, לא אני. ואני לא מצפה לדברים טובים.

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mugenloopdalove · 2 months

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You post one thing and you are gonna give up and delete it? Stay committed. The only way to get better at writing is to keep writing. If you feel shy about it dont post it and just write for yourself but constantly asking for validation and self flagellating isnt going to get you the validation you crave. Every writers biggest fan has to be themself because an audience is never guaranteed. You have to love it hard, harder than anyone and keep loving and then someone might notice and like it to. This is especially true when you are writing oc x fandom character stuff. The audience isnt preexisting you have to establish it and that takes time.

-signed a fellow writer

The thing is I wasn't shy, I was so proud, so happy with this, and then shared this in several (probably at least 5) servers and on here and got two responses, both ppl I dm'd it to, one of which is my HUSBAND so they probably felt obligated.

Like. I'm in the self ship community so you'd think I'd at least get a friend liking it, esp for an OC based game like bg3, but not getting any response outside my husband and one friend makes me think maybe it's not worth being proud of

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wildheadtendsherhair · 1 year

Text

2023/02/02

Skin Picking

Havent been on here a while since ive been picking so little, its hard to remember to post! Ill take that as a partial win. But anyway, can you guess why im back? Yep, its day 0 again. And surprise surprise, my skin is bumpy and red again. When i was still on my streak, its amazing, i could use however much lotion i wanted and not breakout. It truly wasnt any products, it was just me touching my face all the time. I still got blackheads, but they were so hard to see because they werent red. I was disappointed to to figure out that acne pads arent enough to get rid of blackheads. I think i have to at least scratch off the top layer? I dont know. Grr! Honestly tho when blackheads arent angry i find i dont mind them much. Hardly at all, actually.

Hair

Great. Still so short! I still look like a fairy pixie, but sometimes by nightfall i just look like an oily unkempt person, and its not because of sebum. Just something about the uneven ends and the short length. Tempted to get it cut, but theres not really any good options? Cutting off and inch would probably dramatically decrease the frazzledness, but not comletely eliminate it, *and* it would be an inch shorter. I only have four inches! I wish i kept more track of how fast my hair grows. Ive heard half an inch is average. See heres the thing people dont think about when trimming hair—its inherently temporary. If you trim half an inch, thats one months worth of growth. By the end of the next month, you'll have grown another half inch. But, the growth will be uneven. So youre back to where youve started, right? No wonder it felt like i could not grow my hair out past a certain amount once my mom started making me get "the split ends cut off". Itll probably all be worth it when it gets long. Unkempt but cool & cute wild animal [insert pic of Power]. That said, i do wonder how long itd need to be to get the dorky but clean Queen's Gambit haircut…

Diet

Still doing Weight Watchers. I hecked up this week, ate under. Ended up binging last night. But it was the first time in a long while, so im proud of what ive accomplished. Silver lining, i mean. It was a very sucky experience being that full. Painful, even. But ive recovered! And im gonna be more liberal with my points earlier in the day. No point in being cautious if i can always eat 0-point foods at the end of the day, and it becomes an imperative to not if im regularly hitting the end of the day with spare points. It was a bit of a successful experiment, because i wanted to see if me eating under naturally would hurt me later, and, well… But im a little worried, because me eating whatever and "lots" this morning has only led to a normal breatfast of ten points. And ive been eating until about an hour ago, so i may not be hungry for a timely lunch. :( But i am feeling peckish for a sub, so maybe soon ill order one and not shy away from the sauce. My point target isnt a minimum, its a, well, *target*! Wow! What a riddle!

Mood

Ive been on edge this week, after a week of feeling phenomenally well. I blamed it on work, but, maybe it was my eating? Or its a factor? Hard to say. I do have quite a few things started that i havent finished, and i think those are hanging on my mind; go long enough and it become tiring but you forget why. Its a hypothesis. Other than that, its been a great week. Started a cool playthru with some friends (and its a japanese project too), checked out warhammer for the first time and had a blast, study group has been great, i got back into DDR, and might go with a cool girl this weekend, i drew for the first time in forever and it turned out great (oh man i love my apple pencil). Fruitful month, january was. I might just need to remind myself to and practice relaxing. Worked for my sleep!

#no-pick challenge #day 0

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taeyamayang · 2 years

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i'm late but congrats on graduating and hitting 1k followers!! i'm so proud to see how far you've grown ^^ there is nowhere else to look but up now, all the best for your future endeavours ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ

idk why it is, but this semester has been having my brain running on fuel 25/8 . i suppose it's due to the increase of projects compared to last sem, but boy do they suck the life out of you. 😓 these last few weeks/month have been me running on autopilot trying to catch up to deadlines and constantly trying to not cause an argument with my groupmates every minute (whoever said that engineering guys are green flags need to change their opinion stat.). thank heavens that my sem break is soon because i can't stand being around them for any longer 😫(these are the same people i have to put up with until i finish my final year project, can you believe it? 🥲).

as i'm writing this, i have an exam i need to sit for in t minus 10 hours so wish me luck 🥲

anyways, now that you've graduated, are there any big plans that you are excited for? maybe a trip you've always wanted to go to or something you wanted to do but couldn't because you were still studying, let me know!

as always, stay safe and hydrated, remember to not skip meals, and never let someone affect your worth. ♡

🌻

AHHHHH MY RESPONSE IS LATE :(

agh i understand how you feel although we may not have gone through the same circumstances. days are dragging and all you want to do is to get everything done to the point that your mind is wired to getting tasks done over getting enough rest but i do hope you find time to take a break and breathe since a human's brain can not function to its optimum when you're tired and because you deserve it. engineering is never easy and i'm proud of you for pursuing it!! heckk you even do your best at every project. i salute you 😭 DUDE ABOUT ENGINEERING MEN AND GREEN FLAGS I-

story time! i was in a band in uni and our lead guitarist was an engineering student. he was nice and all that but boy he was flirty. he charms a lot and he does it through music or during practice sessions (since i hold the rhythm electric guitar and was the vocalist we practiced together a lot) that's when i thought engineering men are not green flags lol.

since i replied to your ask very late... is it your semester break? i could have wished you luck on your test on the day you sent this BUT LETS JUST SAY I DID IT UNCONSCIOUSLY 😭 i hope your test went well!

plans? hm, i'm still studying as of the moment lol. studying. never. ends. i'm telling you. i have a licensure exam next year and it's a countrywide exam for psychometricians. though i can go straight to work with my degree, the license adds credibility to my name so i'm working on that. and i'm planning on studying... again, told you it never ends, a graduate degree on clinical psychology since i aim to become a therapist soon but ya know with all the relatives, friends, and even neighbors knowing i finished a pre medicine course they're all encouraging me to continue med school. one of my friends in high school brought up (recently) how i initially had plans on pursuing medicine (gave up on that dream ages ago. figured it isnt for me lol) and told me that we should take the "entrance" test for med school together and i'm just gsndhsjs even the neighbors were surprised i graduated as a full scholar in my 4 year degree and told me i should definitely pursue medicine since i have a chance to continue med school with a scholarship again and that it's an opportunity not everyone has. it's kinda guilt tripping me in a way. med school is not easy. ALL THIS IS JUST MAKING ME- ugh

i just want kageyama bro

lol

but yeah, i'm taking one day at a time. for now, i'm studying and vibing. hopefully i get to visit a place outside of my country tho i went on a trip to beach with my family recently (helped with relaxing) if you missed the photos i posted i'll attach them here so you can feel the relaxing vibes of the sea. hopefully this helps you ease your mind of stress.

i'm happy to hear from you! missed you here :)

#anon.🌻#pea.asks

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this-is-just-here-for-venting · 2 years

Text

dont care about me dont be proud of me i dont deserve a single fucking thing

i dont want to have a graduation ceremony a year from now cause what the fuck did i do? i did the bare minimum and i cheated so much just to stay afloat

i cant feel a fucking thing for myself in terms of accomplishments because of how stupid i am where i can either breeze thru from pressure or straight cheating cause i lack motivation to put any effort in cause each time i did i wanted to kill myself

i cant feel strong feelings for anyone else and idk why. sexual i never felt that way. romantic i cant say i have but maybe. platonic ive had friends and i care from them sm but my fear of overstepping boundaries keep me from being what they need and i can never be what they need from me cause im so worthless and pathetic but i try for them even if i cant give anything

what can i do and why am i do pathetic why cant i just be better

this all started cause i thought about why i dont want to attend graduation if/when i do in a year’s time and if i’m allowed to due to covid but i dont want to and would rather just have them send my diploma in the mail skip the fanfare and “celebration” and just keep going on w/ getting a job that doesnt make me suicidal cause i remember how much i hated highschool grad but there really isnt a reason huh

i dont want it because it’s so tiring and i dont want people around for that

i waste 4 years of my life just to get worse

you want to force your presence onto me to give fake pride to me about doing what hurt me so much and it’s supposed to be a good thing????

i dont want to “celebrate” cause what else is there?

i just want to keep moving forward after quietly cause there isnt a reason to acknowledge what i’ve done when you see it as the bare minimum to even be worth dirt to you. i dont want the attention. it makes me feel dirty and uncomfortable PLUS i dont want you here

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sssrha · 3 years

Text

transcription of slides under the cut:

[SLIDE 1] the vibes ao3’s top 9 mdzs ships give me (a really stupid thing i made on a lazy saturday)

[SLIDE 2] wangxian: the wholesome canon relationship (with a hint of spice)

ok maybe calling the union between a demonic cultivator and a secret sex fiend “wholesome” isnt exactly accurate…but that’s where the “hint of spice” comes in

other than that tho? i remember seeing a meme somewhere about wangxian and sangcheng and wangxian was described as “domestic gays with a house and a white picket fence and two kids” and honestly? yes

not that they cant be freaky. id say their particular brand of freakiness is vaguely surrealist suburban horror. make of that what you will

[SLIDE 3] xicheng: either its “pair the spares” or just about trauma

their dynamic is 500% “karen/enabling husband” but like in a good way

objectively the best-dressed couple you will ever meet. like seriously why are you even trying? theyve got you beat

jc would own a flower shop and punch you in the face for saying a single bad thing about his flowers. lxc would own a tattoo parlor and hand you a lollipop and tell you how proud he is of you for not crying while he gave you a tattoo

they dont strike me as a “every evening we relax and watch the sunset” type of relationship B U T every other week they go stargazing with a detailed map of the night sky

[SLIDE 4] xiyao: either a) the angst of betraying/being betrayed or b) the angst of killing/being killed

high society gays. they would both unironically wear tuxedos to a mcdonalds. lxc would see it as a fun couples thing and jgy would do it to assert his dominance

i swear they would be among the smiliest of the major couples. only one of them would give you a happy smile

dont mess with them. no like dont mess with any of the couples but so far jgy is the first one who would make your life living hell and keep you around long enough to suffer the consequences

[SLIDE 5] sangcheng: being simultaneously over- and underestimated

i saw a meme about sangcheng and wangxian where sangcheng was described as something along the lines of “wine aunt and vodka uncle” and honestly? yes

they’re both human disasters. nhs would have various splotches of color on his clothes and you cant tell if it was intentional or if theyre actually stains. jc is very neat and organized but will have a mental breakdown at the slightest inconvenience

sometimes they just sit down across from each other and. cry. its how they bond

idk why it popped into my head but they’re both ace Because I Said So

[SLIDE 6] xuexiao: cute domesticity but also murder

i refuse to believe that xy is anything but unhinged in every universe. whether or not thats a good thing is up to you

xy could and would murder you in your sleep and not feel bad about it until xxc told him off. even then he might still decide it was worth it

xxc doesnt exactly know about The Murder Stuff(TM) but he knows some shit is off but he trusts xy enough to not comment on it

they would meet and hook up in a bar and mutually decide that they may as well stay together for the rest of their lives the next morning

[SLIDE 7] xuanli: the token straights (but also? theyre really cute???)

i did not expect them to be as cute as they were but here i am

anyway jyl has jzxuan wrapped around her little finger and shes just too nice to use that to her advantage

if jyl asked jzxuan for some chocolate jzxuan would just buy her the entire hershey company and forget to give her an actual chocolate bar and jyl is too sweet to actually say anything about it

they would definitely have like 20 children. theyd fucking love being parents. the moment having another child became dangerous theyd start adopting left and right. theyre rich they can afford it and their hearts are big enough for all their kids so why would they not?

[SLIDE 8] songxiao: childhood friends to lovers AND perfect power couple

i know they have more nuance than this but i cant help but think of them as The Perfect Couple(TM)

not shipping-wise!! i mean like. theyre both law-abiding citizens. their house looks like a model house. theyre dressed super neat and handsomely. they both know cpr and first aid and one of them is a lawyer and the other is an award winning writer. idk who is who but yk.

they are who people call to deal with problems instead of the police and they delight in that fact. that is what i mean by them being The Perfect Couple(TM)

[SLIDE 9] chengxian: disasters through and through

uhh i am going to be spending the entirety of this slide ignoring the fact that i personally consider them siblings

they would live in a dingy studio apartment in the heart of a city and theyd both never be home

theyre both super fucking rich but theyd never have any money on hand so dont be surprised if they just starve out on the street one day because theyre just that stupid

they collectively have the self esteem of rotting cabbage but theyre keeping themselves and each other alive purely out of spite and sheer force of will

[SLIDES 10] nielan: childhood friends to lovers AND himbo power couple

psst heres a secret: neither of them are actually himbos

H O W E V E R they both 500% pretend they are. they intentionally act as stupid as possible just for the fun of it

the best part is when they stop acting stupid when something important happens. crouching-moron-hidden-badass at its finest

also the older brother energy is overflowing. it does not matter who you are or how old you are. if you meet them then youre going to walk away with two new big brothers

[SLIDES 11] the end (unless i gather the willpower to make a part 2)

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