Hey buddy what we’re not gonna do is come into my ask box and be a racist shitbag. 

I clearly said my anxiety has to do with my workplace being an unsafe environment and my bosses being ignorant and unwilling to help.

Imagine reading through all of that text and deciding to be an off-topic dipshit about it. Wow.

A twitter thread on grooming that I thought was good to pass long further on tumblr as well. Original source here: https://twitter.com/heartsalty/status/1156043571985653760

Transcription of this, plus some things from the twitter thread:

A lot of us are guilty of talking about increased awareness of red flags re: predators and signs of grooming without directly providing them, so I've compiled a some based on a number of articles online (links to follow.)

Helpline resources: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones

The images:

“Signs of Grooming:

1. Taking special interest

The first step of the relationship, where the predator beings pursuing the relationship. Predators target people they perceive as vulnerable.

While social media provides an outlet for people to relate to one another, unfortunately it’s safer NOT to broadcast sensitive personal information, including feelings of insecurity and unhappiness.

(In my experience growing up online, predators zero in on minors who mention strained or difficult relationships with their parents.)

2. Gaining trust

During this stage, the predator will establish themself as a friend. They may use things they have in common, such as experiences, goals, interests, or hobbies, to formulate a bond. 

It is important not to share personal identifying information, such as location, with someone you do not know.

3. Fulfilling needs

Here, the predator will begin to establish themself as a confidant. They will become a listening ear, offering affirmation, gifts, and continuing to take interest in your life and interests. They will likely make promises to improve your life or begin acting in a romantic manner.

Watch for overly familiar compliments or personal questions.

4. Isolating

The predator will try to become your #1 through continued compliments, manipulation, or veiled threats. They will encourage you to keep secrets.

Anyone who tries to guilt you for having other friends or tries to pit you against other people in your life does not have your best interests in mind. Likewise, be wary of someone who acts like you’re responsible for their happiness/well-being or who feeds into insecurities about relationships in your life.

5. Desensitizing

The predator will begin to introduce sexual tones into the relationship. They may ask about your sexual orientation or experiences, begin making innuendos or other sexual jokes, and/or provide you with sexually explicit content. This can range from sexually charged content to p/ornography.

There is no need to feel ashamed or guilty for establishing boundaries. If someone crosses the line, you are within your rights to end the relationship.

6. Controlling

Predators will try to assert control through the use of threats, blackmail, abuse, or manipulation (guilt, shame, blaming).

Talk to someone you trust or access a helpline. It isn’t too late to end this relationship.”

Ok, gonna clarify some stuff: •These points are listed in order; it's a gradual shift from 'new friendship' to 'toxic relationship.' If you never get past 'fulfilling needs' then you prob made yourself a good friend.

(though I think the extent to which they try to fulfill your needs is still something to be aware of, just to avoid codependency which can be unintentionally harmful or stunting) 

The reason why I personally included the first two points is to show that a predator is going to look normal and trustworthy before escalating their behaviors.

also to remind kids not to broadcast their personal issues

If you take issue with this list, fine. Lemme know if I misrepresented something. But they ARE the signs of grooming most commonly acknowledged by child safety orgs & that's the basis of the post. The only other thing I can speak to is my own experience & that's 100% objective.

Finally, I kept this list short so people would read it. I couldn't account for EVERY caveat or "what if" scenario. That's where your own common sense comes in, I'm not the authority on this subject.

I really want to emphasize that predators are smart and they know what they're doing. If you've been hurt, you're not alone and it isn't your fault. You're not dumb, or weak, or anything else you may have been led to believe. You're human. 

If you're in a relationship that you suspect may be predatory, please know that it isn't too late to get help. It's best to back out early and apologize later if you find you've misjudged the situation than ignore your gut and end up being right. 

And anyone, especially minors, be aware. You can't tell someone's intentions by looking at them or by what kind of media they consume or fandom they participate in. You only know who someone is by the way they behave. Predators will deceive you by having the "right" appearance. 

I'm not saying you should be paranoid or that you shouldn't form any relationships online. Just be discerning & careful. Also, it's worth noting that if you meet up with someone online and they don't want to meet in a public place or they want to take you to another location? Red flag.

Not to go all STREET SMARTS! but it's true that your chances of coming out of a situation unscathed decreases once you've reached the second location. 

Be safe out there, everyone. And if you think someone might be a predator, for christ's sake don't engage w them. The last thing we need is vulnerable people being encouraged to act like vigilantes instead of going to the authorities, who actually have the power to do something. 

Process Hack: Welfare

Hi all! After a long hiatus, ya boy is back with more unsolicited advice!

What are we talking about this week? It’s LARP welfare!

Common at medium and large games, the role of welfare officer, sometimes called “site parent”, and sometimes divided into crew welfare and player welfare, is very important. It’s also something which can go really smoothly if you do some decent prep before the event. I’ve been discussing the role with some LARPer friends recently, and I’ve put together some advice for good ways to tackle this role.

Some of the below advice falls into the category of sensible prep that everyone can do before a game too, so feel free to read even if you don’t hold (or want to hold) a position like this!

Some of the jobs I outline below might not fall into every welfare officer’s purview - mix and match as you choose. (If you’ve been asked to look after player or crew welfare and don’t know which of the below are your responsibilities, that means you need to have a chat with the chief organisers and find out!)

1. Positive Energy

This can be a surprisingly high-energy role. Particularly in the crew room, one of the most important things a welfare officer can do is be positive and energetic when everyone is feeling a bit tired and down. This is hard! But a bit of jollying-along goes a huge way to changing the dynamic. This is even harder when YOU'RE the one feeling tired and cold and sad. But if you are visibly struggling, nobody will approach you when they need help! A "brave face" is your best weapon.

2. Shut Up!

Sometimes you need to be the "voice of reason" - getting people to concentrate, or quiet down, when it's important that something needs to be done quickly. One good way to do this is to be cheerful enough most of the time that people LISTEN on the rare occasions that you raise your voice and ask them to please shut up for a minute.

3. Early Start, Late Finish

The two above points are ESPECIALLY important during set-up and take-down. You need to be "on the ball"/on duty during periods where other people are transiting into and out of the game. During set-up, your keen crew and players will all be busy frothing and sniffing each other's butts because they haven't seen each other for a year, they want to show off their new kit, and their adrenaline is through the roof. But - it's 30 minutes to time-in and nobody's in kit and the IC areas aren't set-dressed. You need to get them moving!

During take-down, everyone is exhausted, a bit overwhelmed, and wants to sleep (including the refs). But the site needs to be taken down, cleaned and tidied up, lost property needs to be organised, and there are always last-minute disasters involved in the logistics of getting people off site. You can't collapse now - your job isn't done. You might not be in charge of take-down, but you ARE the right person to gently corral and rally tired people towards the plan.

4. Who does what?

If you're the first point of call for someone who's having an issue, being able to confidently signpost to other crew is really important. So firstly, you should know exactly what the other other staff members do and where they're likely to be (in both time and space). If a player comes to you and says "I'm really struggling with the Sorcery rules and I feel very stupid", then sure, you can (and should!) offer them some immediate comfort and consolation. But in order to help them with the root of the problem, you need to know several bits of information:

a) What are the different staff members' responsibilities/expertises? Who does what? (Mike is the person who handles Sorcery rules.) b) Where in space are the other staff located? (Mike is currently refereeing the Clawed Fiend encounter on top of the hill.) c) When in time are the other staff available? (The Clawed Fiend encounter can't be interrupted. It is scheduled to end at 2100hrs. Mike should come back to the crew room after that.)

I'd also recommend you have a good "ticket-tracking" system to make sure your incoming queries are handled and nobody falls through the cracks. You could devolve this onto players ("Come back at 2110hrs and ask to speak to Mike") but it will help things flow smoothly if you are also logging things yourself. I'd recommend carrying a small notebook and pen so you can note things down and tick things off. You can also help things along by being an active communicator and setting the emotional context for solutions. If Mike comes back at 2100 and immediately gets jumped by an emotional player, he might be tired and confused and not give the best answer. But if he comes back and you tell him "There's a player who is having a bad time with the Sorcery rules, they seem quite distressed, I think you can help, they'll be around in 10 minutes" then he won't be surprised and will have the right bit of his brain switched on.

5. It’s all in the Filofax

There is admin information about players/crew which will really help you if something goes wrong too. I'd suggest having the following on-hand, glued into your notebook, on a tablet, or otherwise kept secure on your person (since some of it's sensitive personal data):

a) A list of everyone's allergies and medical conditions. b) A list of qualified first-aiders, and the locations of first-aid kits. c) A list of every vehicle on site, registration number against player/crew name, in case you need a car moved in a hurry. d) A rough understanding of who arrived from where, with whom. It doesn't need to be exhaustive, but if the vehicle which brought 6 people from London breaks down irrecoverably, then being able to help sketch out solutions to get those people and their kit home will be massively easier if you know roughly where people came from.

6. The Outside World

You are likely to also need to be able to signpost to help *outside* the game. If a player comes to you with a problem that can't be fixed with on-site resources, what are you going to do about it? You can't predict every scenario, but at a minimum I'd suggest having the following prepared:

a) A breakdown service for the vehicle that won't start (in the UK the most common is the AA). b) A mental health or emotional support helpline, like the Samaritans (116123). c) The emergency number for injured wildlife - in the UK, the RSPCA (0300 1234 999). d) The emergency and non-emergency medical numbers (in the UK: 999 emergency, 111 non-emergency) and police numbers (UK: 999 emergency, 101 non-emergency). e) A clear understanding of where on site you can get mobile phone signal. f) A plan for how you would get an ambulance onto site if you needed one: run through the whole thing (where on site can I get enough signal to call the ambulance? What is the postcode of the site, and do I have a set of clear directions to give the dispatcher in my notebook? Who am I sending to the site entrance to walk the ambulance on? Is their most likely route of approach clear for a large vehicle?). If you've never called an ambulance in this country, then ask someone who *has* to practice with you, so you understand what questions they'll ask and in what order.

7. Kit & kaboodle

The following are things which LARPers reliably fail to provide for themselves, and which you will benefit greatly if you have on hand. Find out from the organisers what your budget is, and buy accordingly:

a) Salty snacks (crisps/nuts) and quick energy (sweets/fruit). Keep a small separate store aside from the usual 'crew food' to help someone who is struggling. b) The ability to make a hot sweet drink in a hurry. c) Hydration solution (Dioralyte, Powerade, or the cheap alternative, which is six teaspoons of sugar and half a teaspoon of salt per litre of clean water). d) Paper and pens. e) High-powered torch (for searching for lost objects). f) Your own phone on an in-country network, plus at least one charged mobile phone powerbank with multiple charger ends. g) Ice packs - ideally the "squeeze to activate" sort so you aren't relying on the site freezer. (Most common item left out of first aid kids - and immediate relief/comfort for the most common LARP injuries.) h) Warm blankets. i) An idea of how you'd provide a simple hot meal in a hurry. (This could be a packet of rice you can chuck in the microwave, a cup-soup and kettle, a ration pack and a Jetboil, or a good understanding of what the caterers' plan is for an emergency meal.)

If someone is in a lot of distress, going through the process of dealing with their physical needs (food/water/temperature/etc.) can often help them become better able to communicate their psychological/emotional needs. Often a LARPer who is dehydrated or low on blood sugar doesn't KNOW that's the problem, they just know they feel awful and are crashing hard.

8. Know the Ground

KNOW YOUR SITE - I can't stress this enough. If someone has a costume disaster and needs somewhere private to change, where can they do that? If someone is overwhelmed and needs a quiet, safe, cool (or warm) room or tent to lie down in for an hour, where can they do that? If a shy new player shows up and asks "Where do I put my kit?", then being able to answer them quickly and competently with a smile on your face will immediately endear you (and mean that they WILL come to you later, when they're suffering, instead of sitting alone on their bed being sad about it).

9. Late Bloomers

What is the late arrivals plan? If you went IC at 1900 and the traffic means some of your players don't arrive till 2200, then most of your key refs/crew will be busy running the game. You're the most likely person to escort the late arrivals onto site, get them set up, and get them integrated into the game. You'll need to reassure, but you'll also need to understand a lot of admin details to make sure they don't feel any more overwhelmed and embarrassed than they already do. This might involve giving a second safety briefing, pointing out any last-minute changes that weren't included in the game pack, and pointing them to the right ref to get their characters timed in. You can be as nice and friendly as you like - but some people will be even more reassured by practical, reliable and clear directions when they’re feeling rushed and panicky.

10. Herd those Cats

What is the crew plan? Depending on role, you may or may not be involved in "crew wrangling" - this is often a separate role, and deserves its own post. But even if you aren't "crew boss", you need to understand and be able to help balance crew energy and engagement. If there are long periods where crew are likely to be sitting around bored, where are the "pick-up-and-play" roles they can briefly read, digest, and go out to engage in? If crew are doing three hours of back-to-back combat roles, where is the plan for ensuring that they're all fed, watered, rested and properly kitted before their next high-energy role? The best refs will have considered this and have a clear plan for managing crew in small teams to maintain their energy levels - but as a welfare officer you are likely to be the advocate/interface if it doesn't seem to be working well, so make sure you understand where the weak spots and frictions in the plan might be so you can deal with them in advance.

What happens if a crew member comes to you and says they're really struggling with their NPC role and aren't enjoying it? (If you're the approachable face, they'll likely come to you first before a busier ref!) Do you understand the crew matrix well enough to think about solutions, alternative roles they could do, or how the timetable could be re-worked to end their role early? Wherever possible, you should strive to go to the refs with a solution rather than a problem: "Harry is struggling and I think if we brought the poisoning forward an hour, then let him play a gremlin for the rest of the night, that would fix it" is better than "Harry is struggling". They may not accept your solution, but the conversation is already moving onto alternative ways to fix the problem.

11. Easy In, Easy Out

How do players enter/leave the game if they're fatigued or unwell? Your game may not have a clear system for this, and it may be players' own responsibility to manage their fatigue. However, some will struggle to cross the IC/OC divide here: if the character is fighting for their life, how do they resolve that with the player needing to have a lie-down for an hour so they're safe to drive the next day? One of the best games I've run had a clear, signposted system where players who needed a break could "vanish" IC (with a clear IC logic for their disappearance) and take as much time as they wanted. When they were rested, they could go see a ref for a special briefing which told them what had happened while they were away (and explained how they reappeared). You won't find this in every game, but think about ways to make taking an OC break feel like a positive and productive experience, which leaves the character with plenty to talk about when they return, rather than a potentially embarrassing one which leaves the player out-of-the-loop and feeling like they've missed out on the fun.

12. Look After Number One!

Practice active self-care, both to facilitate all of the above and as a good example to others. Going back to the first point, most people can't project positive energy if they're sad, wet, cold, tired and hungry. Have a routine worked out to look after yourself. Understand what you can and can't do and work to your limitations. If you have lots of physical energy but are struggling to deal with six emotional crises in a row, get up and walk around site. If moving exhausts you, pick a central location to base yourself and make sure all the things you need to do your job are in easy reach.

Feel free to reblog with your own additions, checklist items or hacks for looking after your fellow LARPers’ welfare. Suggestions gratefully accepted!

Do you know of any good Larry fics where one of them is in a abusive relationship and the other saves them from it? Thanks!

I do! 

I want to say though; I went through a rough time in my life and it was definitely a coping mechanism for me to read stories like this, so considering the severity of the topic I just wanted to make it extra clear that everyone should read the tags please! <3 if it will not benefit you to read these, please don’t! I can make you a fluffy no hurt comfort request if needed!

HERE is a list for a lot of useful helplines for different areas and reasons!! xx and I’m here if anyone has any raised queries from this :)

once again, please read the tags and stay safe everyone!  💖

These are not in any order but I will say the first five are ones I still often think about, they definitely leave an impression and rebuilt my soul in different ways x

run through rivers and smile by bravestyles 

Harry is stuck in a long-term abusive relationship with his abusive boyfriend Sam. His friends try to help him out of it; along the way, Louis and Harry become closer.

breathe into me and make me real by greeneyedstranger

Harry's fading away, bit by bit everyday, and all he can feel is numb. He finds Louis, who's like sunshine, bright and glowing, and smells like red velvet cupcakes and whipped cream.

Petrichor by spotofpurple

Harry is a filthy rich, straight A student that lives in one of the biggest mansions in London with his father. He is also bullied and beaten in school and neglected at home.Louis is a quirky punk who owns a bookshop and sings in a rock band. He is also providing a cover for the two of the most wanted of London’s criminals, Zayn and Niall.When Harry has a panic attack in front of Louis’ bookshop and the older boy helps him, a weird friendship is formed. And soon developed into something neither of the boys expected.

Give Me Truths by iwillpaintasongforlou

'Just like a little cat,' Louis thought later, as he drifted off to sleep. 'A little kitten with his claws sunk right into me.' It isn’t that terrible of a thought, after all. ............. Louis is a psychology student with a tattoo count as high as his genius IQ. Harry is in a (sort-of) relationship with a homophobic man and hates himself a little more every day. Things fall apart and Louis puts him back together.

Or, the one in which Louis falls in love with a fragile boy and tells him every beautiful truth in the world, as long as it makes him happy.

Shake Me Down by AGreatPerhaps12

Harry's new to college, fresh out of Catholic school and conversion therapy camp, and Louis runs the campus LGBTQIA organization.

It's A Start by Magiic_Shop

“This is dangerous, love,” Louis smirked, his lips pressed against Harry’s shoulder blade.

“Why’s that?” Harry asked.

“Because,” Louis’ smirk grew into a smile, “I might never want to let you go.”

Harry shifted against Louis, reaching up to cover Louis’ hand on his stomach with his own, “Then don’t.”

--

Or, the one where Harry can't sleep at night, and because of that, neither can Louis. Louis thinks it could be the start of something.

There is a Rose That I Want to Live For by Yourfavouritechild

How long has the sun been gone from his life. When did the sky fall down. When did the air become so heavy, wrapping around Harry, forcing him to collapse like an old star.

or, Trapped in an abusive relationship, Harry contemplates suicide until a punk rocker enters his life and pulls him up before he drowns.

keep me safe inside your arms by stylinson

When Louis first noticed it he thought nothing much of it, because Harry was just an all-around sweet and caring person, and it made him fall even more in love with him...until it got to a point where Louis realized that Harry was almost too eager to do what he was asked.

You are a lovely adjective, no word ever enough by angelichl

"I love you, Louis thinks now, feeling the words on the tip of his tongue. Willing them to spill out. But he knows that if he spills these treacherous thoughts out loud, Harry will panic. Maybe he'll even run away, like he ran away form The Monster.

I love you, Louis wants to tell him anyway. Wants to whisper it into his hair, kiss it onto his cheekbones, breathe it down his throat.

Instead he chews on his nail and says nothing."

The hurt/comfort AU in which Harry leaves away an abusive relationship, and Louis offers to share his flat

love is so good when the love is young by drunkonyou

Louis falls for his pregnant best friend who has a bit of baggage. They make it work though.

Hideaway. by arrowtomyheart

Harry is in a borderline abusive relationship which ends after the news that Harry's pregnant. He is homeless for the night and travels 3 hours on the train to turn up at his best friend's Liam's house unexpectedly for somewhere to stay. He meets Louis, Liam's flatmate, and they discover that they have more in common that anyone would expect. They fall in love.

It's the Sun In Your Eyes by Bearandleonardwrite

Harry's not the best with relationships. Then he finds Louis.

(Basically; Harry's insecure and hurt, but Louis loves him anyways and knows how to help.)

Shine Like Silver by asphodelknox

Sometimes what you never thought you needed is exactly what you need. Sometimes it's right in front of you. Harry find love when he's broken and abandoned, in the one place he never thought to look. Although once he figures it out, he's really not surprised.

on a wednesday, in a cafe by wreckedboyfriends

“What can I get for you today?” he asked without looking up, arranging the last of the pastries.

“Have any recommendations? Never been here before, actually.” Harry hit his head on the top of the case in his haste to look at the source of the voice. It was a really beautiful voice, small and high and just lovely, if a voice could be lovely. Harry thought so. “Alright, mate?” the man asked when Harry finally composed himself, rubbing the top of his head as he took his place at the register.

Harry opened his eyes, and fuck. If Harry had thought his voice was lovely, the man himself was on a whole other level. “Alright, mate?” He repeated and shit. Harry had been openly staring for quite awhile, hadn’t he?

“Yeah,” Harry replied, and it came out sounding like a semi trailer running over gravel. He cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he repeated. “Um, the cherry danish is quite good, I think. ’S my favorite.”

The man smiled. “One cherry danish it is, then.”

OR Harry’s spent the last year with six locks on his door, a pair of too-flamboyant boots buried in the back of his closet, and insecurity issues the size of a mammoth. Louis changes some of that, but Harry changes the most.

drain the whole sea by brainwaves

For a great chunk of his life, Harry has had a passion for writing, a passion that turned into an aspiration, which turned into a dream he’s been chasing for the past few years, first in the States and now in a shitty flat in London. None of his attempts to get anywhere have succeeded, leaving him with weary bones and two dead-end jobs that he doesn’t enjoy in the slightest. When he finds an unusual yet promising opportunity that could possibly get him somewhere and help him further his current failure of a writing career, he doesn’t hesitate to take it. Despite his boyfriend Sam’s pleading, he lets this dream bring him to the luxurious yet quaint home of world-renowned, best-selling author Louis Tomlinson.

love is blind (it will take over your mind) by babygrxxt

a story in which louis moved to paris to get away and is now working a nine to five job he hates, niall can’t speak french, zayn is so far gone for a boy he doesn’t even know and the pink of harry’s lips stands out even more against the purple of a bruise

Stop Making Tired Excuses by midnightskies

Louis hates many things; cold tea, countdown, tuesdays, and university, but most of all he absolutely, categorically despises Eric Davidson, current boyfriend of Harry Styles.

Keep Me From Falling Apart by sweetly_disposed

Harry shrugs, nicking a biscuit from the tin on the table. "Here." He holds out the styrofoam cup he's carrying. "Hot chocolate, double whipped cream." "Oh my god. You're perfect," Louis moans, taking it from him and sniffing it appreciatively. Harry blushes and stuffs the rest of the biscuit in his mouth to stop him from saying something totally ridiculous like 'you're perfect, too'.

Or, Harry doesn't think he needs help, until there's Louis.

Blue Eyes Like Blue Skies by sunflowerstyles

Harry's last relationship was horrific, leaving him with physical and mental scars. Louis comes into his life and does his best to treat Harry how he deserves.

Disclaimers, Rules, FAQ, and Resources

Hi everyone! Here’s the official one-stop post for this blog and how it runs. I’m excited to get things moving again after my long hiatus!

Disclaimers and rules are subject to change at any time~

The resources list is always expanding; if you have resources for help in the UK, Canada, Australia, or any other country, please message me so I can include them in the list. As of right now, I only have US resources.

Note: as of April 20, 2021 I am putting a temporary hold on answering advice asks. The inbox is still open for advice, but I’m just going through some personal things and need a little break, so I might not respond as soon as you like. Submissions will still be posted and my own suggestions will still be coming! Thank you~

Disclaimers

All suggestions are my own thoughts and feelings about my own partner and relationship. I have not, do not, and will not ever take another suggestion blog’s work as my own. Submissions from followers are tagged “submission” and I will never take credit for someone’s submission. If you think I am stealing another blog’s posts or there are any other sourcing issues, please message me directly.

I am a 22 year old cisgender bisexual woman in a relationship with a 25 year old cisgender straight man. As such, I may not always give the best or most fitting advice to others of different genders, sexualities, and ages, but I really do try my best.

Any advice I give is purely based on my own thoughts, opinions, and experiences. I try to be objective at the same time, but at the end of the day, I’m going to go with what I feel is the best answer for you. If you disagree with or are upset by my advice, please ignore it and move on. I can’t tell you what you want to hear just to make you feel better; that doesn’t help anyone.

I’m not responsible for the outcome of your situation if you choose to apply the advice I give. I’m a stranger on the internet you asked for help, not a fairy godmother. I can’t fix things for you, just give you my input. Please don’t blame me for things not working. I don’t like being harsh about this, but I just want to make this known and understood.

Rules

Homophobia, transphobia, racism, misogyny/misandry, and any other sort of discrimination is prohibited in your reblogs, replies, and tags. If I find anyone breaking this rule to any degree, you will be blocked on the spot, no questions asked. It’s 2021. You’re better than this.

If you find my advice or my suggestions to be problematic in any way, please message me directly and tell me why, so I know to correct myself and to delete the problematic post in question.

DD/LG blogs will be blocked immediately if I find any interaction with my posts whatsoever. This is not kinkshaming. This is me wanting no part of a community that sexualizes children.

No asks about family situations and relationships. These will be deleted, as I am not in any position to help with matters like these.

Asks about sex and sexual relationships are allowed, but please do not be overly graphic in your descriptions. Sex asks are reserved for those 18 or older**. I will tag all sex-related posts with “tw sex” for those who wish to avoid them.

I won’t post submissions about breakups, rejections, or any other sorrowful situations. I want this blog to be a happier place for people. I’m really sorry for this one, and I can still be here to support you if you want to direct message me.

If you have any questions about the rules, please send a message! I don’t want to discourage anyone from interacting with this blog.

** If you are a minor looking for resources relating to things like sexual assault or birth control, please see the resources below. If you have any other questions or situations you need resources for, please message me directly.

FAQ

This is a list of the topics asked very, very frequently and a quick answer to them. If I find your ask to be redundant and think it can be answered on this list, it will be deleted. This is not meant to ignore you; this is to keep ask traffic lower so that I can answer more people instead of repeating the same answer for one general topic.

“Would it be wrong of me to get revenge on [person] for [reason]?” - Yes. I don’t ever condone revenge for any reason when it comes to relationships. Don’t stoop to their level. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing you’re angry/upset with them. The best way to say “fuck you” to someone is to cut them off and move on, because you’re taking away the power they held over you.

“I’m in an LDR and my partner isn’t reaponding to my texts like they used to.” - Communicate. LDRs have no room for not responding to texts and calls because that’s the only way you get to connect. If they still aren’t willing to talk after multiple attempts to discuss the issue(s) at hand, you can give them an ultimatum or just leave.

“How do I get my crush to notice me?” - Talk to them. If you’re wanting to get their attention, reach out to them.

“How can I start a conversation with my crush?” - Casually compliment them, find something in the environment to comment on or send them a meme “accidentally”. It’s not creepy to start a conversation, and it could lead to a new friendship or something more! Just don’t rush things.

“How do I impress my crush?” - Be yourself. Seriously. If you try to be anything other than you, or if you do things you usually never do or don’t like to do, it won’t end well. If you did manage to reel in your crush and start dating, it would be under false pretenses and likely wouldn’t last long.

“I confessed to my crush, but they rejected me.” - Accept their answer. No means no, no exceptions. The worst thing you could possibly do is keep trying to get them to say yes. If they offer to stay friends after they reject you, it’s your choice to keep them in your life or to move on.

“I have a crush on someone who is already in a monogamous relationship.” - There’s nothing wrong with having a crush. What matters is that you do not, under any circumstances, interfere with their relationship. It will hurt to see them with someone else, but if you love them, you should respect their choices and who/what brings them happiness.

“I have/my partner has a crush on someone else.” - If you’re dating casually, this isn’t super uncommon, but if it bothers you, say something. If you’re in a committed relationship, this could be an issue because one of you doesn’t have your heart fully in it. If you feel like you two have become distant or that the trust is broken, communicate and determine where to go from there.

“I have a crush on someone, but they’re [sexuality, gender].” - In the same way they respect your gender and sexuality, you need to respect theirs, too. If they express interest outside of their sexual orientation, you can be there to support them, but do not force things unless you want to push them away or break your bond with them.

If you feel your question isn’t answered here depite being related to something on the list, or you need more specific advice, please don’t hesitate to reach out after you have read this list thoroughly and completely!

Resources (USA)

Crisis text line: Text HELLO to 741741

Domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Sexual assault hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)

Substance abuse services (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 (HELP)

Trevor Lifeline (LGBTQ mental health crisis hotline): 1-866-488-7386

Eating disorder helpline: (Call or Text) 1-800-931-2237, via NEDA

Dating issues/abuse: via loveisrespect.org

Birth control information: via Planned Parenthood

If anyone has resources for the UK, Canada, Australia, or any other country, please let me know. I want to only have the best and most reliable ones here, and it’s difficult to know which ones to include. Thank you in advance!

…………………

About Me

My main is @serenityfive! If reply to you in a post, that’s where I’ll be talking from. Same with if I follow you or I’m scrolling through and liking stuff on your blog. I like to pick a blog at random in the notes and look around since I’m trying to find people to follow despite tumblr being dead!

I started this blog in 2018 to express my feelings for a guy I had a massive crush on who eventually became my boyfriend. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and are living happily in Colorado! My side of our story can be found here 💕

So, a little bit more about me... I’m 22, I like cooking, gaming, cats, nature, and I have a strong interest in health and nutrition. I’m currently finishing my associate’s degree and want to obtain a certification in surgical technology!

I’m happy to make people smile with this blog; you guys are very fulfilling and kind, and I thank you! If anyone wants to chat, just hit me up~

With love,

Lily

Finding mental health support at uni

Being at university or college can put a huge amount of pressure on you to perform optimally academically. This can cause a lot of people (including me!) to overwork, and eventually burnout. Other pressures of living alone (e.g. paying fees and rent) can contribute too, inducing new or worsening pre-existing mental health problems.

It is so important to reach out and find support at uni, a time when a lot of people are away from their family support-network for the first time. I’ve collated some resources and tips of ways you can reach out to get the support you deserve!

Friends as a support-network

This sounds obvious but your friends can be such a brilliant support-network!

Some people tend to withdraw or become isolated if their mental health is taking a hit. I always find that being with friends cheers me up and distracts me from academic stress (or any kind of stress honestly). 

Reaching out to friends doesn’t have to mean having deep chats with them about your current mental state - it can just be reaching out to have that few hours of distraction, while watching a movie, or a big laugh and face-masks - social interaction could be all you need a that moment. 

Having said that, it is so so important to have friends you can sit down with at uni (and at home) and talk openly about your mental health and how you’re doing. The worst thing to do is suppress how you are feeling.

Friends can be really good at rationalising your thoughts, telling you when you need to reach out to a professional, or just listening to you if that’s what you need!

Personal tutor or member of university staff

I have a personal tutor and know of a lot of mates at other unis that have this kind of system. This is the person I would personally go with if I was feeling pressured or that my mental health was taking a hit. 

If they are pastoral staff they will often be more prepared to deal with students coming to them with mental health problems, so may be better able to signpost than a ‘regular’ member of staff.

If you don’t have a personal tutor or designated pastoral staff then just reach out to the lecturer/seminar-leader you know the best and would feel most comfortable talking to. When reaching out for support it’s all about you being comfortable with making that first step.

If you are struggling with an academic aspect of a particular module then it might be worth going to the head of that module and talking to them about it. They may be very understanding and offer extensions on deadline to remove some of the time pressure - or they may volunteer their time or some other resources to help you in that area.

University-linked services

Universities will have their own counselling services. Depending on your university and your particular situation the wait time for this can be quite a while, but it is definitely worth reaching out - the earlier you do so, the sooner you’ll be seen!

My university has a peer-support and welfare-rep system, where students go on training courses to be peer-supporters and are available to talk to you, and to sign-post you to resources that may help.

This can be a lot less daunting than reaching out to a professional or a member of staff. It is also a lot easier with students as you can just drop them a message on fb rather than finding them if that is less intimidating.

GP and the NHS

It may seem obvious but it can be hard to make time or think about going to the GP during a busy term at uni, but it’s important to make sure you get registered with a surgery so you can go to them if something happens!

Waiting times for adult mental health services are long but they are free which is something we cannot take for granted! Going to your GP and asking for a referral to a specialist team may be a really good move.

Talking therapies and counselling are really helpful for some, but other people may need or respond better with medication. GPs are the only way to go if you think prescribed medication may benefit you (or has in the past).

Online resources and helplines

There are a huge number of online services and helplines (often anonymous) that provide support (short or long-term). This is a list of some although it’s definitely not exhaustive! If you know more then please let me know/add to this (esp. if you’re outside the UK)

Helplines partnership provides a directory of helplines (organised in different categories) 

The Samaritans provide a 24/7 helpline if you call: 116 123, website here

Nightline Association is a student-run service for students. Their volunteers contact people via text, calls, emails or in-person, website here

MIND are a great charity offering advice and support to those with mental health issues. There may be a local service near you, or call 0300 123 3393 (9am-6pm, Mon-Fri), website here

SANE is a mental illness and emotional wellbeing charity. Call their SANEline: 0300 304 7000 (4:30-10:30pm, everyday)

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably): specifically aimed at men, call: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight, everyday), website here for their web-chat (7hrs/day, everyday, UK only)

Men’s health forum provides advice to men 24/7 through email, text or online web-chat, website here

HOPEline is run by PAPYRUS which is a charity aiming to prevent young suicide. Call 0800 068 4141 (10am-5pm & 7-10pm Mon-Fri; 2pm-5pm Sat-Sun), website here

The NHS has a list of mental health apps it recommends here

UMHAN (University Mental Health Advisers Network) is a national UK charity. There is a section on seeking support as well as options to get involved with fundraising.

BetterHelp is the largest global online counselling service. You answer some questions and it pairs you with a counsellor it thinks is appropriate. This is not free and so equates to getting a private counsellor here in the UK; you can contact them via video-chat, online messages or calls.

I hope this helps some of you reach out and find some more support if you need it! Remember that your mental health and wellbeing comes before academics or anything else!

I can’t do homework anymore. My anxiety and depression just takes over and I have panic attacks. I sob uncontrollably and I scratch/punch myself cause I get REALLY angry REALLY quickly. I just want all of this to end and I’m already on the 504 plan but school hasn’t gotten easier. I don’t see myself living for too long, I’m just so bad at things that I don’t think I’d be able to provide and I don’t wanna be homeless. Homework literally makes me wanna die. Idk what this means or what to do, help.

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling so much with this. It’s good that you’re already on the 504 plan, but it sounds like it’s not bringing you enough. Is there anyone at school that you could talk to about additional resources they can offer you? I’m thinking a school counsellor would be a good place to start. I also think it’s good to explain to them how your anxiety and depression affect you in doing your homework. School counsellors are also trained to deal with some mental health issues, so this is also a good first step in receiving adequate help for it. 

I do think it would be beneficial for you if you could start seeing a therapist, if you aren’t already seeing one. There is treatment available for anxiety and depression and it won’t always be this tough! You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can arrange a referral for you. You can read more about getting help here. We also have an anxiety page series that I think would be helpful for you to read through. It has a lot of information on anxiety issues as well as some great tips on coping with it.

When you look at the future, it can get really overwhelming. Try not to look so far ahead. Right now you’re focusing on school and dealing with that. If at some point you need to provide for yourself, that’s something you will deal with then. I know that’s easier said than done, but try to remind yourself of this when you find yourself worrying about it all. 

Also, right now you don’t think that you’d be able to provide because everything is so hard. But so far, you’ve gone through every hard thing that’s been thrown at you. That’s a 100% success rate! I also don't know how old you are and how far away having to provide for yourself is, but you’ve got time. There is time in which you can work on your mental health issues. And even with mental health issues, it is possible to provide for yourself! I am currently working full time and living in a place that I pay for myself, and I still struggle with mental health issues. You can do that too! It might be tough at times, but it’s possible.

The fact that homework makes you want to die is very serious. If you ever feel like you can’t keep yourself safe, please get yourself to a hospital, call for an ambulance, call a helpline, talk to a web counsellor, or make sure a friend or family member can stay with you. Your safety matters a whole lot! Sometimes we feel really hopeless, but that doesn’t mean that it is hopeless. I would also recommend you to make a list with reasons to stay. Having such a list can be very helpful when suicidal ideation gets strong. You can use our page for inspiration when you’re making your own personal list.

To circle back to your homework, would it help if you were able to do your homework at school in a supervised homework classroom? I don’t know if this is a thing at your school or if there’s something similar available, but it could be worth asking about. It might also be helpful to divide your homework into small pieces. When I was in high school, I would divide my time up in short pieces; 45 minutes of one subject, 5 minute break, 30 minutes of a different subject, 10 minute break. Of course it’s possible to adjust this to what works for you, although I would recommend you not to increase the amount of time, only make it smaller if needed (you can increase the time of breaks if that works better for you though). 

I hope this helped at least a little! Let us know if there’s anything else we can help out with. Good luck with everything! You’ve got this.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.Love Pauline

TGF Thoughts: 3x05-- The One Where a Nazi Gets Punched

One recap down, two to go. Think I’ll be able to write them before the next ep airs? I doubt it. 

The episode opens by confirming Maia’s gone from RBL: Her name’s no longer on what used to be her office, her documents are being shredded, and all her personal belongings are in a box.

Marissa decides to pick a fight with an associate over Maia. “If you didn’t like Maia, you could have just come out and said that,” Marissa says. Uh. I don’t think Maia got fired because one associate didn’t like her but okay Marissa. The associate insists she’s not happy because she didn’t like Maia, she’s pleased that the zero-tolerance policy is being enforced consistently.

I do wish people would stop saying “Maia’s been arrested twice” because one of those arrests was in no way her fault. Every time anyone tries to use that as an argument, it makes me want to defend Maia even though I totally believe the partners had reason to fire her.

“Maia didn’t use drugs,” Marissa, who faked a drug test on Maia’s behalf, insists. Alright Marissa.

The whole 22nd floor starts to bicker, and Julius goes to inform the other partners that Marissa is stirring the pot. “She’s only stirring the pot because she feels that Maia was made a sacrificial lamb to the fact that the partners don’t want to pay for true financial parity here,” Diane says in defense of Maia/Marissa. Does that mean Diane wants to take whatever pay cuts and struggles come with paying true parity? Or does that just mean Diane wants her goddaughter to be able to get ahead?

To pay everyone the same amount at each level (which I’m not convinced actually gets at the root of the problem if they don’t put measures in place to make sure performance evaluations and opportunities are also awarded equally) would cost the firm $800,000 a year. That’s less than I thought, if only because whenever the partners are personally liable for something it’s always at least a million a person and when they bring in a big client it’s always like 35 million dollars/year in billing. And didn’t they pay off lots of the women Reddick assaulted with at least 800k?

Adrian is very right: this strategy would also raise the lowest performers to the level of the highest performers (within their job title), and then the highest are going to want more, and then the problem resets. How do you determine who the highest are, and which of the highest threaten to leave and which stay no matter what, and so on.

“Maybe we should consider it a human resources issue,” Julius says. Maybe? MAYBE? You’ve got associates fighting while on the job and internal documents circulating and you’re only NOW thinking to involve HR?

Julius wants to hire an expensive sensitivity trainer to talk to the associates instead of paying them more. Sounds like something the partners need more than the associates. Also would that go over well? I’m imagining the associates being like, wait, they have money for this but not money to pay me fairly? And now they’re telling me I need sensitivity training to cover their own asses, as though I just decided to pay myself less? If they do this sort of training in conjunction with an actual fix, sure, whatever, they may need it just to deal with the infighting. But alone? Noooope.

This conversation gets interrupted by an assistant telling Adrian that Judge Dunaway is wondering why he’s not in court. “An associate” is there and Dunaway wants to know why no one else has showed up. None of the partners knew anything about a motion in this case, so they suspect Maia of trying to steal their client.

I think Maia could try to steal a client, but I don’t think she’d ever think to do it.

They put Maia on their biggest case? Just Maia and Lucca and the partners? This sounds wrong.

Maia’s not returning Diane’s calls. I think it’s pretty clear that Diane wants the best for Maia, but I can totally see why it might not feel that way to Maia. She’s not handling this in the most mature way, but I’ll cut her some slack. She was just fired, after all!

Lucca and Jay are in the middle of nowhere, poll watching. Lucca worries this assignment is punishment for stirring up the salary drama (though idk how anyone other than Jay would know to tie it to Lucca!) and I don’t think she’s wrong. She’s a fucking department head and they have her out poll watching?

Maia isn’t the surprise co-counsel: Blum is. That makes way more sense, but also, UGH. I’m over Blum.

This case is interesting but I’m still going to write it up as “Case stuff happens” for the most part. Its premise is more interesting than its execution. I kinda just want to Google what kinds of suits are pending against real life genetic testing companies.

Blum got on this case because of documents he stole from Diane’s office. It is very possible RBL has worse security than Alicia’s apartment building.

Maia’s got a new job at something called Consult-a-Lawyer, a phone helpline that charges clients by the minute (and makes sure each call takes many minutes). This seems terrible.

Lucca and Jay talk with their Republican counterparts; they disagree but can at least talk about their disagreements. Also, none of them are really there to be poll monitors; they are there to try to sway the election results by fighting to selectively enforce rules. I’m sure they’d take issue with that phrasing but that’s what they’re doing.

Marissa’s noticeably grumpy at work and tells Diane it’s because her “best friend” was fired. Marissa says and does so much stuff that no one else could get away with; this is not a proper way to conduct yourself at work-- especially towards the people who are on your side.

Diane is reaching out to other firms on Maia’s behalf. That’s privilege at work right there.

Diane tasks Marissa with watching Blum. She also confuses Marissa and Maia, which is weird since only one of them is her goddaughter.

I am SO OVER Blum. Why is he so loud?! When I watch these episodes first thing on Thursday mornings, the last thing I need is his maniacal screaming.

Marissa is unimpressed with Blum.

OH MY GOD MAKE HIS LOUDNESS STOP. I just don’t care. Just gonna let this next bit with the song play while I change my sheets, because I have nothing to say about it.

And then I did laundry, went on two trips, and visited a bunch of bookstores and now I’m back, three recaps behind.

I didn’t even get to the credits before I stopped writing!? Me of three weeks ago, what were you doing?! (The credits are 17 minutes in, to be fair.)

He’s so loud! So! Loud!

Some sort of white (male) supremacist group shows up at the precinct Lucca and Jay are monitoring.

Diane and Liz meet with the sensitivity consultant, who has them do an exercise as a test. It’s one of those games where you take a step forward/backward if a sentence describes you. Neither Diane nor Liz wants to participate, but the game ends up working on them: turns out they both like singing, Prince, Roma, and Hannah Gadsby. LOLLOL I believe every one of those things.

I don’t know what Lucca thinks Diane will be able to do to help with the white supremacists, but she probably doesn’t suspect Diane’s going to have her unwittingly help #Resistance.

Case stuff happens. It involves Blum singing. Go away.

Jay calls Naomi with the story about the Red Jackets, while Diane’s #Resistance buddy (what is her name? I’m going to have to pay more attention because she is “The Young One Who Does Computer Things” to me, but she’s been in enough episodes I should probably learn her name) gets the Red Jackets fired.

Case stuff happens. Blum puts another actor on a stand as a witness.

Marissa comes to visit Maia at work. At this job, Maia actually has to do work and gets negative feedback when she doesn’t do work well, so as happy as she is to see Marissa (and the Sunglasses of Badassery), she can’t chat long.

Maia is not as happy to help with work related things. In fact, given that I’ve seen the next two episodes (and the end of this one), Marissa reaching out to Maia about something work related may even make Maia feel like her work friends never really cared about her.

Marissa also brings Maia a list of three firms where Diane’s put in a good word. “Diane doesn’t care about me,” Maia, who got the only two jobs she’s ever held because of Diane, insists. Sure, Maia. But I won’t criticize her too much-- she WAS just fired.

Marissa loudly informs the entire Phone-A-Lawyer office that it’s “not fine” to work there. I love Marissa but she lacks self-awareness, like, all the time when she’s not undercover.

Maia’s supervisor isn’t pleased Marissa’s shown up during work hours. She asks her to leave, but does help out with the case.

“If you don’t call them, I will,” the woman in the cubicle next to Maia interjects, offering Maia some much-needed perspective. Maia’s been through a lot, but it’s still clear she’s not someone who has ever had to worry about money.

Lucca calls the police on two of the Red Jackets (they’re sex offenders) just as Naomi’s news van shows up.

Naomi and Jay are a couple which surprised me but, you know, I don’t hate it. Actually, I think I like it.

The judge Adrian is sleeping with does him a favor in court. This relationship? I don’t think I like it.

Diane and Liz regroup about the sensitivity consultant. Liz doesn’t think she’s worth the money, since no sensitivity game will ever solve racism (she’s right-- I don’t know that I think they’re completely useless but they are never going to get at the root of the problem). Diane suggests midyear bonuses instead; Liz points out they’ll know they’re being bought off.

Then something magical happens: Diane and Liz start SINGING! It’s so fun. It’s also a great character moment. We’ve never seen Diane have a female peer at work she could just be herself around, and this strengthens the Diane/Liz friendship that’s driving a lot of the season.

A sex scene quite rudely interrupts the wonderful duet.

If anyone’s written anything on Judge Hazelwood, I’d love to read it. I’m intrigued by her use of power but I think I need to read someone else’s take to fully understand what the writers are (attempting to) do with her.

“Your head is like a sculpture. I want to cut it off and put it on my desk,” is a VERY DISTURBING LINE.

Maia’s using her mom’s maiden name again-- smart. And she took Diane up on the interview offers-- also smart. (Yes, I’ll call her privileged for even having those offers, but I don’t take issue with her using connections. I don’t care if she’s privileged; I care when she lacks self-awareness about it.)

The job won’t start until November, which makes Maia angry. She sees this as Diane trying to fuck her over, when really she’s been offered a job 30 seconds after introducing herself because Diane’s recommendation means so much. Maia TURNS IT DOWN, even though it’s a promise of good work in six months and the best lead she has. Unless there’s going to be something in the contract about how she cannot accept another job if one comes up in those six months before she officially starts, WHY? WHY TURN DOWN GOOD WORK AT A TOP FIRM JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU COULD DO BETTER? YOU’RE WORKING AT PHONE-A-LAWYER.

And this dude gives her so many chances-- he even says to let her know if she winds up being available.

Her only question is whether Diane knew about the late start date. The interviewer thinks so, and Maia takes it as a personal insult. Oof. You know what most low-ranking people who are fired for drug use get? Here’s a hint: it’s not interviews at three top firms with the highest recommendation from a well-respected name partner.

NOTHING about this reaction from Maia is out of character for her. I just have no patience for it.

Adrian and Blum collaborate in one of the more interesting scenes they’ve done with Blum. He’s loud and devious, but he’s not stupid. And watching Adrian understand and go along with Blum’’s strategizing-- setting the stage for him to normalize all of Blum’s other, more illegal antics as appropriate workplace behavior-- is fascinating.

Naomi is polite when interviewing one of the Red Jackets, but she refuses to shake his hand. I like that moment.

Jay punches one of the Red Jackets after the Red Jacket antagonizes him. The Republican poll monitor sees the whole thing, but decides to say nothing. (The point, basically, is that we can find common ground with people we disagree with, and that only CERTAIN people we disagree with are actually the enemy.)

A riot breaks out and we see only a little bit of it before Jay starts monologuing about his belief that Nazis should be punched. Dunno to what extent I agree (slippery slope, etc) but I do know I’m not going to waste any time being outraged over one of them being punched.

More case stuff happens.

Lucca, Jay, and Naomi share beers after the riot. They’ve all emerged from the riot safely. This is a nice scene; I love watching these characters just hang out. Apparently Jay had a crush on Lucca for a little while, which I find kinda cute as long as it doesn’t go anywhere beyond that (SO OVER WORKPLACE ROMANCES ON THIS SHOW).

Maia calls Lucca, but Lucca can’t get any reception so she decides to be 2x14 Alicia and find a high spot on top of a car. Her phone still gobbles the call, though. Maia takes this, too, as a personal insult.

Diane calls Maia and Maia refuses to answer. Oh, Maia. If I got the sense she wanted to do this without help-- kind of like s7 Alicia not wanting to answer to anyone-- that would be one thing. This just sounds petty.

Oh goodie! We get MORE BLUM in the future: he’s now working with RBL on the Second Helix case for the near future. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Maia’s packing up her apartment now that she can’t afford the rent, and another firm Diane set her up with tells her the soonest they can interview her is in a month. Well, at least she’s still trying. She throws her phone on the floor in frustration, and I do feel bad for her. Just, like, not that bad.

Lucca shows up at Maia’s door, since Maia’s now not answering her phone. Lucca explains her day and why she wasn’t near her phone-- and her reasons are, of course, valid-- and Maia just doesn’t care. You’ll remember that Lucca doesn’t have friends and that when Lucca shows up for someone, she’s all in. Maia, who is actually friends with Lucca, has not picked up on this (or is not willing to acknowledge it). Lucca offers to get dinner (and to pay), and to spend time away from her baby after a stressful day. She says she feels awkward about how things went down at work.

Maia doesn’t just decline the invitation or say it’s not a good time. She says she and Lucca were “work friends” and shuts the door. Well, that’s harsh. I don’t really fault Maia for feeling detached from her old workplace or awkward around her old work friends, or for needing time to herself. But wow, this is a phenomenally awful way to treat a friend. (And not that I need to pile on more, but Lucca and Marissa have both been FAR more supportive of Maia than Maia’s ever been of them.)

should i let my university know about my history of anorexia before i relapse for good, or is that 'oversharing'? i also don't want it to seem like i'm lying about it for scholarship $ or sth, which some professionals have accused me of (common for woc, ime). & how do i avoid relapsing when i'm far away from my safety group (not much $ for therapy)? what's the difference between healthy hunger + restrictive eating? thank you so much in advance 💕 (2/2)

Hi, love! I’m going to pop my answers below a read more because I wrote a lot, haha. Unfortunately I did not get 1/2 of this, so please do re-send if you think I’m missing important details.

i also don't want it to seem like i'm lying about it for scholarship $ or sth, which some professionals have accused me of (common for woc, ime). 

 I am.... genuinely fucking outraged that anybody would dare imply that about you. What the sweet jesus hella fuck? That’s gotta be an example of privilege if I’ve ever seen one, because I’m a lily-white ex-anorexic and I never had anyone say anything remotely that shitty to me. God fucking damn. Thank you for bringing that to my attention so I can spread the word and help people fight against it. God, is there even an anorexia scholarship/ money associated with it? That doesn’t even sound right. Christ.

should i let my university know about my history of anorexia before i relapse for good, or is that 'oversharing'?

You should definitely let your university know. Most universities are now aware enough about mental health to have systems in place to support students, but they can only do that if you tell them you’re struggling.

 Does your uni have a disabilities/ special needs department? Often they also work with mental health issues, which people aren’t normally aware of. You could also see if you have a counselling department, or even talk to your head of course or a tutor or a lecturer you trust. I promise you: you won’t be the first, or the last, or the only. If your uni is half-decent, there should be procedures in place.

The big question, I suppose, is what would you like out of the university support? It’s okay if you don’t know. Some things I’ve been offered/ had include deadline extensions, mitigating circumstances (basically a note next to a grade that says ‘was struggling with external issues at this time; please take this into consideration when marking’), time off of university to focus on recovery, counselling with the university counselling service, referrals through the university medical centre to eating disorder clinics, physical monitoring at the university medical centre, 1:1s with tutors/ course heads to check I was doing okay...

)& how do i avoid relapsing when i'm far away from my safety group (not much $ for therapy)?

That’s really tough. I’ll suggest/ mention a few things, and I’m sorry if some are out of reach or inappropriate- hopefully one or two will be able to help.

contact eating disorder support helplines for advice and support

join online support forums or groups- make sure you find one that focuses on recovery and, ideally, is tightly moderated

stay in contact with people from your old life. Phone them, skype them, write to them, meet them if possible.

consider asking a friend to help hold you accountable. This can be tricky, because you don’t want to end up in a codependent situation, but sometimes getting someone to ask ‘did you eat lunch today?’ can help you stay on track

if you’re weighing yourself, please try and get rid of your scales. if you’re calorie counting, please try and stop. do not enable these destructive behaviours. ‘i’ll just weigh myself once a week’ quickly escalates. i’ve met a lot of people who claimed they were counting calories to ‘ensure they ate enough’, but i’ve met very few who truly used it for that purpose.

if you are on MFP or a similar calorie counting site, delete it. even if you aren’t ready to drop calorie counting, drop the website. please.

try and find hobbies or interests that aren’t linked to eating or exercise. taking up writing and fandom helped me find a sense of self i had completely lost in my ED, and gave me something to build back up on. you are a person outside of your ED: what type of person are you? what do you like? what do you want? i really can’t stress this one enough.

make a list of reasons why you want to recover. re-read it regularly.

read accounts from people who have fully recovered. see how happy they are. see how much better life is. use this to motivate you.

throw out any old ‘thin’ clothes. buy larger ones if necessary. if you have a dress hanging around that you know you won’t fit if you gain a few pounds, donate that dress. it isn’t helping you.

develop a routine and stick to it. in the long term, flexibility around food and eating is a vital part of recovery, but in the acute phase routine and regularity is incredibly helpful. 

look up sliding scale therapy, free/cheap online therapy and eating disorder support groups in your area. the latter are normally free to attend.

differentiate between a lapse and a relapse. a lapse is a temporary blip that you move past. a relapse is a full-blown retreat/fall back into anorexia, often at least partly intentional. you have the power to not let a lapse become a relapse. 

 what's the difference between healthy hunger + restrictive eating? thank you so much in advance 💕

Oh boy, that’s a tough one! So different people will have different stance on this, basically. Mine personally is that some degree of hunger might be expected on a weight-loss diet, but on a maintenance plan and especially for someone with a history of restrictive eating, hunger shouldn’t really be... A Thing. You should be hungry before meals and then you should eat the meal and not be hungry any more. If you’re finding that you’re hungry a lot of the time, you aren’t eating enough. 

If you’re concerned about overeating, or you struggling to differentiate between physical hunger and food obsession (been there, done that, got the t-shirt)? There are a few tips that can help. My standard was that if I wanted a snack when I knew I’d eaten enough (that is a hard thing to know! this is late-game advice!), I would drink some water, do something else and wait ten or fifteen minutes. If I still wanted it, I was hungry. If I didn’t, I’d just been bored. That’s very relevant to me as a person with ADHD and who had food obsession issues- it might not be as relevant to you.

Think of it this way: if you need to pee, you probably use the toilet, right? If you’re thirsty, you probably drink some water. Treat your hunger like you treat these urges. You’re basically a slightly more complicated Sim.

I hope this helped. Feel free to ask any follow-up questions you might have, either on anon or not. I’m really really proud of you for reaching out for advice- hang in there, my love.

xxxxx

6th Comedy Monologue

“So folks, that whole Brexit rubbish is finally over isn’t it?”

“I know, some of us could see it coming and Teresa May looks like the spitting image

of the stepmother from Cinderella

how come nobody has noticed that yet?

we all have politicians we don’t like don’t we?

at times like this, I have to remind myself Teresa May is a very well liked woman

but then I remember back in the day Margaret Thatcher was also a very well liked woman

don’t you think she and Teresa may are quite similar?

well this is how she’d treat a political problem

*attempts impersonation*

“what’s that? ok men I did you to do this and then this and then this and this”

whereas Teresa may would handle the situation like…

*attempts impersonation*

what’s this? oh leave it for a few months

but the main thing is they both hate poor people so who cares what they think

I actually sort of understand why people like Jeremy Corbyn but I had written that previous gag back in late June of last year, speaking of outdated gags

Pirates were the communists and socialists of the 17th century

they wanted money, disagreed with colonialism and didn’t care what the government thought of them

like with communists they were accepting and inclusive but they wanted gold

the pirates accepted many on their ship they allowed homosexuality, they allowed women in strong roles  there were great times had on the high seas

even with the loot, they got they’d share it evenly what other power was involved with being inclusive with most things except money Oh Yeah! the communists

Yes, Yes we’ll handle it we’ll accept you but give us all your money

communism is a good concept but in the end, people get greedy for the money

like with pirates

we’ll accept you matey but give us some gold

however they didn’t agree about the government, they had their own independent pirate crews and disagreed with colonialism and capitalism

kind of like some of us, I think

we criticize politics, we like to party and we accept most people except colonialists …and capitalists...

Oh well, at least there’s been good music with Marina and the diamonds, Ariana Grande and the 1975

We, humans, love music

which makes me think about bands related to Homosapians

in the 60s we had the Monkees good band good name

and now we have Arctic Monkeys, Gorillaz, Rang a Tang and Apes

what about the lesser known homosapian types

Chimpanzees and Baboons

if music existed in Planet of the Apes

the Kate Bush hit Babooshka would be about a

monkey looking for love after getting his heart broken seeing his wife cheat on him with an older mandrill

only to fall in love again with who he’d call his baboonska

Animals are interesting creatures whether they are made of glass, made of 1960s haircuts or made of the first songs of a math rock band

Another good thing about music and animals is that Roger Taylor is going to help us save the bees

Thinking bee! Thinking queen! thinking bee! Thinking queen!

Speaking of which there’s been a whole glam rock/synthpop revival going on

And I love that

although as a kid I watched media from all sorts of different decades

While they watched Jersey Shore and Love Island I was watching Disney and CBBC sitcoms mixed with Japanese cartoons and shows from years before like Jem and the holograms, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the original my little pony series.

I would also watch funnybones, the original noody series from a VHS I “borrowed” from my neighbours, as well as the Muppet show and some classic cinema.

I think it’s amazing that this revival is happening it’s like the 60s,70s,80s,90s and early 2000s are all going on at the same time.

Revolutionary anarchic protests, Androgynous rockers, Neon colours, post-punk indie shows, peculiar fashion trends and reality shows as well as the cybernetic future beyond

But I’m also cold and angry about how this is happening because on the other hand, there are things carried over from previous decades that shouldn’t still be around...fascists in positions of power, nonces in the entertainment industry, Threat of a nuclear war, low economy, Jamie Oliver, Piers Morgan, Death, Pollution,Misogyny,Misandry,Sexism,Racism and White Supremacy

I could list more, but I can’t think at the moment I’m focusing on my work while morons on Twitter and Tumblr are yabbering on about vegan sausage rolls.

I’ve never tried Greggs before but I’m sure the vegans and vegetarians are happy that a mainstream chain like Greggs has made a product catered specifically for them, whereas before if you asked for a “vegan option” at a restaurant the waiter would scratch their neck.

However not all restaurants are like this,having to work overtime dealing with angry parents,screaming children and the odd nazi at Mcdonalds is not an easy task,yet so many waiters and workers across the world are able to somehow keep those businesses afloat,you guys, girls and comrades don’t get enough credit,you should be paid more,no wonder so many mainstream restaurants are having strikes or running out of food and people are either going to more independently funded places or ordering online to get their daily dose of fast fried convenience.

and while I would be interested in trying a vegetarian diet,It would be hard for me to give up eating chicken that quickly but I don’t really eat meat that often,and before you say anything as long as cannibals don’t use their choice of food in a dangerous way they’re ok with me, it’s no different to when our prehistoric ancestors had to hunt to find food in order to survive,some people still have to do that,it’s sad...it really is,while Christianity isn’t something I believe in anymore, it did say in the bible that Jesus shared his bread and food with his people,and I think some of us should start doing that,and if you already do whether it’s a snack you have or leaving out leftover food from your side takeaway business, that’s brilliant your making more people happy and your allowing more people to enjoy food and to have access to that basic human necessity that we all should be able to have to access to.

Sharing is another primary school lesson it feels like half of humanity has forgotten about outside of basic decency and kindness, but I’m probably not the one to talk about that since I was called “Rude” for most of my life.

there’s a big difference between telling someone they’re a plonker and making someone more aware of how they can improve themselves as a person.

Most of us all have flaws, most of us have had toxic moments,

we’ve all at times had moments where we’ve said something wrong that we didn’t mean,

or times where our cowardliness has accidentally caused misunderstandings and drama

or times where we didn’t intend to sound hurtful but that’s how it came across, or times where we’ve blindly followed toxic people, imitating their actions without meaning to or just generally times where we’ve been ignorant little eijjits.

Even people some would say were flawless had flaws or problematic aspects about them

David Bowie wasn’t too nice to his wife Angie in later years, Graham Lineman and Robert Webb are transphobic, Rowan Atkinson supports Boris Johnson’s “so-called” jokes and Ricky Gervais doesn’t like hearing people with different opinions than him.

Overthinking however can exaggerate this, overthinking can take that one time you were a bit rude as a child and that problematic “fandom” phase you had as a preteen and make you feel like your worst person in the world.

Your not, but most of us have had moments,there’s also the “not like other girls/boys phase” sometimes it’s just a light-hearted comparison drawing or blog post taken out of context other times it’s the grown-up equivalent of saying “I like this thing over your other thing that means I’m better than you”

Considering my at times cold thoughts it’s weird that I’m the person of all people telling you this

It’s perfectly ok to be prideful and narcissistic just don’t be so arrogant that you forget about your morals and the people that you're close to, but if at times because of mental health you question your levels of empathy, sympathy and compassion that’s ok too, your voices deserve to be heard, and there is help available you can find it through helplines, organizations or even your own comrades.

Outside of all the twits in this horrid fishbowl of a world, there are also millions of very kind nice people, I don’t know where I’d be now without my comrades

The offline pals who are like my sunshine because they brighten up my day,the old secondary school friends that made me feel less alone,the online people who I can vent to, converse with and joke with,the bloggers from years ago that I still sometimes keep in touch with and the creators who through their work in Media, Theatre and the Arts were able to encourage me to keep going, keep working, keep creating.

I think your all lovely and beautiful and creative human beings, no matter what identity you are, what music genre you listen to or what topping you prefer on your pizza

I will most likely adore you and if I haven’t it’s probably because I haven’t met you yet

You are one biscuit of cells, on this fishbowl planet, your mind is a land of wonder and your body is the garden surrounding it, take care of yourself like how you take care of your garden, your pets or the fictional characters you write about.

Your future might not be the future you expect, but it’s one you’ll enjoy.

if you are doing something you love which harms nobody, be as happy and passionate about it as you like

you are a person who deserves the world

Don’t push yourself too hard, if you know you’re doing a good job keep at it, don’t stress yourself too hard, but remember not to procrastinate, your mental health is important, some people might not understand all of the issues you’re going through, but you can make it out alive.

You're, not a number or statistic you're a person, your a beautiful, Kind, incredible, wise person

spread some love and don’t forget what the late Freddie Mercury said,

Keep yourself Alive!

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Hello, I don't really have a mental illness, but back in high school I had a depressive episode with suicidal ideations that lasted for almost a year. After that I just had brief moments or thoughts and I get anxiety attacks from time to time. I also have a huge fear of the idea that life ends/one day I'll die (its a bit like an existential crisis I think) and honestly I dont know why. Generally I try to be active and rational but I always feel like something is off (1/2)

(2/2) for example I am very socially anxious and last year I couldnt go to uni for a month because I didnt have friends and felt judged. Even now that I try to be more confident I cant make friends easily and I just feel out of place/forced no matter what. People interrupt me and its easy to ignore me, Ive never even had a boyfriend and Im 19. I’ve been to a psychologist before for a few weeks but then I felt I didnt need it anymore. I dont know whats wrong with me… (sorry for the long asks)

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling. It’s definitely possible to experience symptoms of ill mental health, while not dealing with a mental illness. If you meet certain criteria, then it would be classified as a mental illness. If you dont meet those criteria, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be struggling! Your struggles are still just as real and just as valid.

Do you think you could try to go back to the psychologist you used to see, or start seeing someone else if you don’t want to go back to your former one? It sounds like you could really benefit from talking this all through with someone and that is definitely worthy of getting the help for! You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can arrange the referral for you. You can also read more about getting help here. 

Since we’re not professionals here at MHA, we can’t tell you what is wrong either. We also recommend you not to self-diagnose for the reasons listed here (it doesn’t sound like that’s what you wanted to do, but I just wanted to mention it in case).

We have an anxiety page series that you might want to check out. It has a lot of information on different types of anxiety, but it also has some great tips on dealing with it. We also have a page with calming techniques that can be helpful when anxiety gets intense.

It is scary that life ends one day. I think you’re definitely not the only one in feeling like that! The difference might be in how much it is an issue for you. It sounds like for you, it’s a fear that has gotten out of control and maybe overtaken your life in some bits? Please correct me if I’m assuming this incorrectly! The goal would then be to have it more in control again. Rationalising your thoughts is a good first step. I also find it helpful to write those rational thoughts down, as then they’re more powerful than when they’re only in my head. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is all about rationalising your thoughts and putting them up against your irrational thoughts. The more you do this, the more you’ll start to believe the rational thoughts. It’s a process that takes time, but you can get there!

You mention that you’ve felt suicidal in the past. I don’t know if these are thoughts and feelings you’re currently still dealing with, but just in case I want to provide some resources. I would strongly recommend you to make a list with reasons to stay. You can use our page for inspiration. And if you ever feel like you can’t keep yourself safe, please don’t hesitate to get yourself to hospital, call a helpline, talk to a web counsellor, call for an ambulance, or ask a friend or family member to stay with you. Your safety is worth a whole lot!

It honestly is okay that you haven’t had a boyfriend yet. I’m 25 and I’ve never been in a relationship either. There isn’t anything wrong with that! You’re still really young and you have plenty of time to meet amazing people and date amazing people. Try not to put yourself down because of it, because it truly doesn’t say anything about how great and lovely you are. You just haven’t found the right person yet!

I hope this helped at least a little bit. Let us know if there’s anything else that we can help with!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.Love Pauline

Hi. I don’t know why I’m writing this, but I’ve been following you forever and I just thought this would interest you. My ex boyfriend and I had been dating for two years until a few weeks ago when he suddenly broke it off. I was devistated and tbh I still am. I don’t know how to get over it but I need to. I’ve been constantly self harming and all that bad stuff. Just when I feel like things are okay, they’re suddenly not. Can you help me out?

I’m really sorry this happened to you. Him breaking off the relationship is not a reflection on your worth as a person, and if he’s the kind of guy who would suddenly break it off without (by the sounds of it) communicating about what was bothering him and trying to fix it, then he sounds like he might not have been the best person for you in the long run anyway. 

It’s important after this kind of thing to dedicate some time to yourself, reaffirm your worth outside of the relationship. Take some time to remember that you’re strong and worthy of love no matter what your ex might think, maybe make lists of the things you like about yourself to help you do that, and give yourself time to self-care - helping to keep your mind off the pain by doing things that make you happy, like spending time with friends and family and people you love, or getting involved in your hobbies, or maybe taking up a new skill or hobby and using this negative experience as an opportunity to improve yourself, can help you to push through the first few weeks after a breakup, which are always the hardest. Try not to dwell on it too much - you’ll only drag yourself into a dark place thinking about what-ifs that you don’t have the power to change right now - focus on the things you can do. And obviously try not to contact him, unless you just want to ask him for some closure - I think that’s a reasonable request, but I wouldn’t do so unless you’re in a stable place with your mental health. 

And please seek help for the self-harm problem - I know when things are hard it sometimes feels like the only way to let those negative feelings out, but I’m sure you don’t need telling that it isn’t healthy. Quitting on your own and ignoring those urges is really hard, I know, so please access help - whether that’s from a therapist or counsellor if you’re able to access one, reaching out to friends and family if you have someone you feel you can trust in regards to the issue, a family doctor, things like helplines and other online resources like charity websites, online counselling services, things like 7cupsoftea, and I’ve heard of an app recently called Calm Harm which is supposedly a really good resource for riding out self-harm urges without harming, and other similar apps like Booster Buddy, etc. You deserve better than this, but it’s hard to quit by yourself and that doesn’t make you weak, it just means you need the support that most people need to get clean. It is possible - I’ve been clean for nearly 6 months, and it’s hard and sometimes the urges are scary, but you can do it and I believe in you. I’m proud of you for taking that first step and telling me - that’s the first step to reaching out to access the support that’s there for you that can help you manage the urges. 

Remember that you’re worthy of love, and deserving of happiness no matter what happens, and I hope you feel better soon. If you need to talk, even if it’s just to vent about your feelings and get them out in a healthy, non-destructive way, don’t hesitate to contact me again. I’m rooting for you💞

Self care tools by Lucy Hicks, therapist at Vita

This week is mental health awareness week and so I would love to share some really useful self care tools that anyone can use themselves.

Poor mental health is incredibly common, in fact at least 1 in 6 workers experience symptoms of poor mental health (‘Mind’ charity facts). It is likely if you are not experiencing issues yourself that someone you know will be; whether you know about it and are helping them or they are dealing with it alone.

Either way mental health self care is important for EVERYONE. It is as essential as our physical health because mental health struggles can affect day to day activities; our relationships with others and ourselves, our productivity at home and work, deflate our interests and leave us feeling hopeless. These are just a few of the symptoms and affects poor mental health can take.

If you or someone you know is experiencing any symptoms such as the above there is always someone to speak to and you are never alone. I have listed some resources/contacts at the bottom.

I sincerely hope you find yourself well and in a brighter place soon🌞

CREATE A TOOLKIT!🛠

I have over time created a ‘toolkit’ of help and techniques that are great at easing and helping cope in tough times and to everyday maintain my mental health.

Hopefully these might give you some outlets that you can use should you want to.

These tools include:

Yoga, Meditation and breathing

Music

Reading info

A go to notebook of things that make me happy

Useful contacts

YOGA AND MEDITATION🙆‍♀️

I absolutely adore ‘Yoga with Adrienne’ on you tube. She is fantastic! There are tonnes of videos on her channel that tailor yoga to every stage, total beginner or pro and tailors sessions to particular issues. There are super short ones and hour long sessions depending on your time available. I save the link or add to my favourites any that I really enjoyed or found really useful so I can easily access them whenever.

She also has videos that take you through meditation practises and breathing techniques that allow you to learn to listen to your body and totally unwind.

Some examples of ‘yoga with Adrienne’

MUSIC 🎶

Some people find that silence is a must for unwinding and relaxing as they can’t have any distractions. Personally, I find it more effective to have something to focus on and block everything else out. That may be to meditate in front of a lit candle and focus on the moving flame or to close my eyes and pay attention to my body’s position and breathing. I always need music however!

I will use Spotify, YouTube or ‘calm’ to have sound in the room with me. Continuous instrumental is typically my favourite and repetitive sounds are generally better when trying to meditate as it’s not so stimulating on the mind.

Calm is an app available to download onto your phone and the free version even has a lot of tracks to listen to. Falling rain, thunderstorms, a train travelling on tracks, camp fires and more.

YouTube again is a fantastic resource and has a huge amount of music for relaxation. Searching simply “music for meditation” or “nature sounds” will bring up a lot of results-just make sure you pick one without adverts every 5 minutes!

A view of some sound tracks on the ‘calm’ app.

READING INFO📖

I love reading a good fiction book but sometimes reading information in books or online about others’ experiences with what you may be going through is incredibly helpful in ensuring you are not alone and that you can get through this. It is a great way to understand any symptoms you may be feeling and/or help you to recognise these behaviours in others. Knowledge is powerful, if you are able to recognise symptoms before they progress you can save yourself a lot of struggle before it gets more difficult and perhaps harder to tackle.

To understand mental health and symptoms follow the links at the bottom of this page.

A HAPPY NOTEBOOK📒

I created some time ago a ridiculously cute notebook of all the things that make me happy;

Favourite films/tv shows

Favourite books

Favourite places to go

Favourite things to do

Things I am proud of myself for

Things I want to do

Contacts of those I can talk to

On my phone I have;

Favourite music and videos

Photos and memories

Together it makes a fantastic personal tool, I can look at it and see my personality on the pages and remind myself that that’s who I am. I can pick one of the films I love and stick it on the telly or be reminded of a place I love and go there for a walk alone or with a friend or family member.

Importantly it has a list of people I know I can talk to or hang out with.

The first page even has a little paragraph written to myself for reassurance if it’s a really tough time. If the reassurance comes from you in a happy place you know you can get there again.

My insanely cute fluffy happy notebook.

AROMATHERAPY 🌿

Aromatherapy is the use of essential oils to help improve psychological and physical wellbeing.

There are so many different oils and each have their own properties suited to an individuals current needs.

You can use them in many different ways;

Add 8-10 drops to an electric or candle lit diffuser

Add a few drops to a base oil e.g. melted coconut oil and use to massage or apply to pulse points at the wrists and temples

Drop some on your pillow or wheat bag (be aware they may stain however)

Add them to homemade hair masks or face masques

Some of the best oils for a healthy mind are;

Bergamot- uplifting and grounding

Lavender- may relieve nervous tension and relax breathing

Clary sage- may ease tensions and control the stress hormone cortisol (not for use in pregnancy)

Marjoram- may reduce headaches and nervousness (not for use in pregnancy)

Frankincense- may relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety

**Please note: Only use essential oils from the second trimester and first check they are suitable for use in pregnancy.

Some great sources to purchase essential oils are listed below.

http://www.neph-aromatics.co.uk

https://www.purpleflame.co.uk

https://www.nealsyardremedies.com

Enjoy exploring all the scents out there!!

Sending virtual love and wellbeing

Lucy, massage and beauty therapist at Vita skin spa xx

Further help and guidance:

You can find a list of helpful sources on the NHS website

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Mental health foundation- has an A-Z list of mental health issues that you can follow for support

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/a

-MIND provide advice support and guidance to anyone with a mental health problem.

https://www.mind.org.uk

Hi, I know this is completely unrelated to your blog, but I really respect your opinion + look up to you, and I don't know who to talk to. I've got Social Anxiety, and I recently broke up with my only friend of 4 years, and I'm starting to think I'm depressed and possibly self harming?(not cutting but other ways?)Basically I need help and I was wondering if you had any recommendations for places I could go online to talk to someone. Sorry for the long ask and lack of Johnlock in it. :)

Hi Lovely!

Oh, gosh, lovely, PLEASE please never hesitate to contact me when you need to talk about something other than Sherlock; I’m slow AF at replying (especially this week, so I’m sorry for the delay in a reply) but I try to get to them as soon as I have a free moment.

I actually just recently answered an ask from a Nonny who is also having depression, and resource advice was put on there. Also, I wrote a post here about friends and the Nonny felt they were drifting from their own friends as well, so I please read that. AND I have another post here were I talked to a Nonny about best friends, and how you don’t always just have one; it was followed up here. Hopefully those will help you out a little bit.

As always, I have to put the disclaimer here that I am not a mental health professional, so I can only offer you my personal opinions and life experiences, but I encourage you to please seek out a professional if you feel like you have no where else to go!

I suffered silently through depression in my youth, especially when I was in high school – I was a big girl and teased relentlessly until OAC (Gr. 13) when all my bullies left after Gr. 12. OAC was a blessing year, honestly. I sadly did NOT tell anyone, nor did I seek help. It was… tough, suffering in silence, and as I look back now, I would have told myself to seek help, especially since most colleges offer therapists as part of your tuition fees. Like you, as I grew older, I also self-harmed in other ways; mine was starvation and disordered eating, which turned into starvation and over-exercising in college. My depression turned into what I am pretty certain is Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is affected by seasonal changes and is worst in the winter for me (this is a self diagnosis and I’m STILL trying to find a physician so I can confirm the diagnosis and get help for it… finding a family doctor in Canada is… difficult). 

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that suffering in silence for long periods of time is NOT the way to go, BUT you are interested in seeking help, and that is great. BECAUSE I’m Canadian, all my google results are for Canadian resources, but hopefully they will be able to direct you to resources in your country. The Mental Health Helpline of Canada has a great list of links to resources and they encourage you to call their toll-free number if you require any info. eMentalHealth.ca has a list of (Canadian) resources, but again, they might be able to help you find something in your country. In that first post I linked to above, I gave a couple resources to the Nonny for therapists-search help. And I DON’T know if it’s free, but Doctor on Demand is I THINK an American resource that can link you to live doctors of varying professions online. 

I’m so happy that you are taking positive action, recognizing that there is an issue and looking to solve it before it progresses further. Trust me, I WISH I did the same thing when I was younger. Never bottle up those feelings, always find someone to talk to. 

That said, I know how much it hurts to lose a best friend, I really do. Life goes on, though, and you will find someone else to share your experiences with. Loneliness is a terrible demon many of us face, unfortunately, but it can be overcome by even just talking with your online friends. 

I hope you are doing alright, Lovely. I welcome my followers to send us resources that may have helped them out

IELTS Practice Cambridge Book 7 General Training Reading Test A C7GTA

IELTS Practice Cambridge Book 7 General Training Reading Test A C7GTA

SECTION 1 Question 1-14 Read the text below and answer Question 1-7 EASTERN ENERGY We are here to help and provide you with personal advice on any matters connected with your bill or any other queries regarding your gas and electricity supply. Moving home Please give as much notice as possible if you are moving home, but at least 48 hours is required for us to make the necessary arrangements for your gas and electricity supply. Please telephone our 24-hour line on 01316 753219 with details of your move. In most cases we are happy to accept your meter reading on the day you move. Tell the new occupant that Eastern Energy supply the household, to ensure the service is not interrupted. Remember we can now supply electricity and gas at your new address, anywhere in the UK. If you do not contact us, you may be held responsible for the payment for electricity used after you have moved. Meter reading Eastern Energy uses various types of meter ranging from the traditional dial meter to new technology digital display meters. Always read the meter from left to right, ignoring any red dials. If you require assistance, contact our 24-hour line on 0600 7310 310. Energy Efficiency Line If you would like advice on the efficient use of energy, please call our Energy Efficiency Line on 0995 7626 513. Please do not use this number for any other enquiries. Special services Passwords – you can choose a password so that, whenever we visit you at home, you will know it is us. For more information, ring our helpline on 0995 7290 290. Help and advice If you need help or advice with any issues, please contact us on 01316 440188. Complaints We hope you will never have a problem or cause to complain, but, if you do, please contact our complaints handling team at PO Box 220, Stanfield, ST55 6GF or telephone us on 01316 753270. Supply failure If you experience any problems with your electricity supply, please call free on 0600 7838 836,24 hours a day, seven days a week. Question 1-7 Do the following statements agree with the information given in the text on page 104? In boxes 1-7 on your answer sheet, write TRUE                         if the statement agrees with the information FALSE                       if the statement contradicts the information NOT GIVEN           if there is no information on this 1. Customers should inform Eastern Energy of a change of address on arrival at their new home. 2. Customers are expected to read their own gas or electricity meters. 3. It is now cheaper to use gas rather than electricity as a form of heating. 4. Eastern Energy supplies energy to households throughout the country. 5. The Energy Efficiency Line also handles queries about energy supply. 6. All complaints about energy supply should be made by phone. 7. Customers are not charged for the call when they report a fault in supply. Questions 8-14 The text on page below has seven sections, A-G. Choose the correct heading for each section from the list of headings below. Write the correct number; i-x, in boxes 8-14 on your answer sheet. List of Headings i Re-heating ii Foods with skins iii Keeping your oven clean iv Standing time v Rapid cooking times vi Using a thermometer vii Small quantities of food viii Deep fat frying ix Foods low in moisture x Liquids 8. Section A 9. Section B 10. Section C 11. Section D 12. Section E 13. Section F 14. Section G Using your new microwave oven A As microwave cooking times are much shorter than other cooking times, it is essential that recommended cooking times are not exceeded without first checking the food. B Take care when heating small amounts of food as these can easily burn, dry out or catch fire if cooked too long. Always set short cooking times and check the food frequently. C Take care when heating ‘dry’ foods, e.g. bread items, chocolate and pastries. These can easily burn or catch fire if cooked too long. D Some processed meats, such as sausages, have non-porous casings. These must be pierced by a fork before cooking, to prevent bursting. Whole fruit and vegetables should be similarly treated. E When heating soup, sauces and beverages in your microwave oven, heating beyond boiling point can occur without evidence of bubbling. Care should be taken not to overheat. F When warming up food for a second time, it is essential that it is served ‘piping hot’, i.e. steam is being emitted from all parts and any sauce is bubbling. For foods that cannot be stirred, e.g. pizza, the centre should be cut with a knife to test it is well heated through. G It is important for the safe operation of the oven that it is wiped out regularly. Use warm, soapy water, squeeze the cloth out well and use it to remove any grease or food from the interior. The oven should be unplugged during this process. SECTION 2 Question 15-27 Read the text below and answer Question 15-20. CHOOSING PREMISES FOR A NEW BUSINESS What you need Three factors dominate the priorities of small businesses looking for premises: cost, cost and cost. Nobody ever has enough money, so there is an overwhelming temptation to go for the cheapest property. It is a mistake that can take decades to rectify – and even threaten the future of a promising business. Ironically some firms swing too far in the other direction, committing themselves to a heavy initial outlay because they believe in the importance of image – and that does not come cheap. Finding the right premises is the real secret. That can, and will, vary enormously according to the type of business. But there are some general rules that apply to any operation. Location High street premises are important for shops which rely on passing trade – but these are expensive. Rents fall quickly within a few metres of main roads. Offices, however, need not be located centrally, particularly if most business is done on the phone or via email. Manufacturing and storage relies heavily on access. Think about how vans and lorries will deliver and collect goods from the premises. Nearby parking can be important for staff, and public transport can be even more so, as traffic restrictions tighten. Size This is a crucial decision. Health and Safety laws provide basic guidance on how much room is required per office desk or manufacturing operation. But remember to allow for growth. Growth Every small business aims to become a big business, but this prospect can be obstructed if the wrong decisions are made early on. It is important to consider flexibility from the start. Can a building be physically altered internally by knocking down walls or by extending outwards or adding extra floors? Is there spare land next door to expand later if necessary? Landlords obviously have to agree to any changes so it is important that the contract includes details of what will be allowed and how much extra will be charged on top of the costs of rebuilding or alteration. Planning rules must also be considered. Local authorities are not always open to discussion about the future of premises. They may have rigid rules about increasing density of development. The building may be in a conservation area or near housing, in which case it will be much more difficult to consider changes. 15 Some people choose expensive premises because they want to create an impressive……………for their company. 16 Businesses which depend on………………..need to be on or near the principal shopping areas. 17 Businesses which produce goods must check there is……………………to the premises for delivery vehicles. 18 When choosing a building for your premises, find out whether………………could be removed to create more room. 19 Make sure that the………………….states what type of building alterations might be permitted. 20 If business premises are located close to………………, extensions may not be allowed. Read the text below and answer Question 21-27 CALIFORNIA STATE COLLEGE WORKING CONDITIONS AND BENEFITS FOR EMPLOYEES Payday Employees are paid every other Friday. If Friday is a holiday, payday will be the following Monday. Generally employees pick up the pay checks in their department if not they may be picked up at the Business Office. Overtime All time worked over eight hours in one day and forty hours in a workweek, and also the first eight hours worked on the seventh day of work in a workweek is considered overtime for non-exempt employees. The supervisor must approve all overtime before overtime occurs. Hours in excess of eight hours on the seventh day and in excess of twelve hours in one day will be paid at double time. Exempt employees receive no additional compensation for overtime hours. Parking All employees who will be parking in a staff parking zone must obtain a parking permit. A monthly pre-tax payroll deduction can be made by visiting Human Resources. If you wish to pay cash, present your staff I.D. and license number to the Cashier’s Office.The Safety Department will ticket cars without a parking permit and a fine will be applied. I.D. Card All employees are required to carry an I.D. card. If an employee loses his/her card, there will be an automatic charge of $5.00 to issue a duplicate. If an employee gives up employment, his/her I.D. card must be returned prior to release of final paycheck. Holidays All regular and temporary full-time employees generally receive approximately 13 paid holidays during the course of each calendar year Regular part-time employees will receive holiday benefits worked out using a prorated system.The holiday schedule is initiated annually Personal Holiday Each employee is granted one extra day as a Personal Holiday at the time of hire, and at the beginning of each calendar year Personal Holiday hours must be taken at one time (eight hours full-time or prorated based on the employee’s time). Employees requesting Personal Holiday will be required to complete ‘Leave Request’ forms. No more than one Personal Holiday is authorized annually Birthday Holiday All regular and temporary full-time or part-time employees are entitled to take their birthday off with pay. An employee has a fifteen-day span before and following his/her birthday to take the paid day off. What is known as a grace period through January 15th is given to those employees whose birthdays fall between December 16th and end of the year. Question 21-27 Choose NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS from the text for each answer. Write your answers in boxes 21-27 on your answer sheet. 21. Where do most employees collect their wages? 22. Who has to authorise any overtime an employee wishes to do? 23. Who is not paid extra for working more than 40 hours a week? 24. Where should employees go if they wish to have the parking charge taken off their salary? 25. What method is used to calculate part-time employees’ holidays? 26. Which documents must employees fill in to select their Personal Holiday? 27. What is the name of the special entitlement provided to employees with birthdays in the second half of December? SECTION 3 Question 28-40 Read the text below and answer Question 28-40. A Very Special Dog Florence is one of a new breed of dog who is making the work of the Australian Customs much easier It is 8.15 a.m. A flight lands at Melbourne’s Tullamarine International Airport. Several hundred pieces of baggage are rushed from the plane onto a conveyor belt in the baggage reclaim annexe. Over the sound of roaring engines, rushing air vents and grinding generators, a dog barks. Florence, a sleek black labrador, wags her tail. Among the cavalcade of luggage passing beneath Florence’s all-smelling nose, is a nondescript hardback suitcase. Inside the case, within styrofoam casing, packed in loose pepper and coffee, wrapped in freezer paper and heat-sealed in plastic, are 18 kilograms of hashish. The cleverly concealed drugs don’t fool super-sniffer Florence, and her persistent scratching at the case alerts her handler. Florence is one of a truly new breed: the product of what is perhaps the only project in the world dedicated to breeding dogs solely to detect drugs. Ordinary dogs have a 0.1% chance of making it in drug detection. The new breeding programme, run by the Australian Customs, is so successful that more than 50% of its dogs make the grade. And what began as a wholly practical exercise in keeping illegal drugs out of Australia may end up playing a role in an entirely different sphere – the comparatively esoteric world of neurobiology. It turns out that it’s not Florence’s nose that makes her a top drug dog, but her unswerving concentration, plus a few other essential traits. Florence could help neurobiologists to understand both what they call ‘attention processing’, the brain mechanisms that determine what a person pays attention to and for how long, and its flip side, problems such as Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). As many as 3 to 5% of children are thought to suffer from the condition in the US, where the incidence is highest, although diagnosis is often controversial. The Australian Customs has used dogs to find drugs since 1969. Traditionally, the animals came from pounds and private breeders. But, in 1993, fed up with the poor success rate of finding good dogs this way, John Vandeloo, senior instructor with the Detector Dog Unit, joined forces with Kath Champness, then a doctoral student at the University of Melbourne, and set up a breeding programme. Champness began by defining six essential traits that make a detector dog. First, every good detector dog must love praise because this is the only tool trainers have at their disposal, but the dog must still be able to work for long periods without it. Then it needs a strong hunting instinct and the stamina to keep sniffing at the taxing rate of around 300 times per minute. The ideal detector is also fearless enough to deal with jam-packed airport crowds and the roaring engine rooms of cargo ships. The remaining two traits are closely related and cognitive in nature. A good detector must be capable of focusing on the task of searching for drugs, despite the distractions in any airport or dockside. This is what neurobiologists call ‘selective attention’. And finally, with potentially tens of thousands of hiding places for drugs, the dog must persevere and maintain focus for hours at a time. Neurobiologists call this ‘sustained attention’. Vandeloo and Champness assess the dogs’ abilities to concentrate by marking them on a scale of between one and five according to how well they remain focused on a toy tossed into a patch of grass. Ivan scores a feeble one. He follows the toy, gets half-way there, then becomes distracted by places where the other dogs have been or by flowers in the paddock. Rowena, on the other hand, has phenomenal concentration; some might even consider her obsessive. When Vandeloo tosses the toy, nothing can distract her from the searching, not other dogs, not food. And even if no one is around to encourage her, she keeps looking just the same. Rowena gets a five. A person’s ability to pay attention, like a dog’s, depends on a number of overlapping cognitive behaviours, including memory and learning – the neurobiologist’s attention processing. Attention in humans can be tested by asking subjects to spot colours on a screen while ignoring shapes, or to spot sounds while ignoring visual cues, or to take a ‘vigilance test’. Sitting a vigilance test is like being a military radar operator. Blips appear on a cluttered monitor infrequently and at irregular intervals. Rapid detection of all blips earns a high score. Five minutes into the test, one in ten subjects will start to miss the majority of the blips, one in ten will still be able to spot nearly all of them and the rest will come somewhere in between. Vigilance tasks provide signals that are infrequent and unpredictable – which is exactly what is expected of the dogs when they are asked to notice just a few odour molecules in the air, and then to home in on the source. During a routine mail screen that can take hours, the dogs stay so focused that not even a postcard lined with 0.5 grams of heroin and hidden in a bulging sack of letters escapes detection. With the current interest in attentional processing, as well as human conditions that have an attention deficit component, such as ADHD, it is predicted that it is only a matter of time before the super-sniffer dogs attract the attention of neurobiologists trying to cure these conditions. Questions 28-32 Choose the correct letter, A, B, C or D. Write the correct letter in boxes 28-32 on your answer sheet. 28. The drugs in the suitcase A were hidden inside the lining. B had pepper and coffee around them. C had previously been frozen. D had a special smell to repel dogs. 29. Most dogs are not good at finding drugs because A they don’t work well with a handler. B they lack the right training. C the drugs are usually very well hidden. D they lack certain genetic qualities. 30 Florence is a good drug detector because she A has a better sense of smell than other dogs. B is not easily distracted. C has been specially trained to work at airports. D enjoys what she is doing. 31. Dogs like Florence may help scientists understand A how human and dog brains differ. B how people can use both sides of their brain. C why some people have difficulty paying attention. D the best way for people to maintain their focus. 32. In 1993, the Australian Customs A decided to use its own dogs again. B was successful in finding detector dogs. C changed the way it obtained dogs. D asked private breeders to provide more dogs. Question 33-36 Choose FOUR letters, A-J Write the correct letters in boxes 33-36 on your answer sheet. The writer mentions a number of important qualities that detector dogs must have. Which FOUR of the following qualities are mentioned by the writer of the text? A a good relationship with people B a willingness to work in smelly conditions C quick reflexes D an ability to work in noisy conditions E an ability to maintain concentration F a willingness to work without constant encouragement G the skill to find things in long grass H experience as hunters I a desire for people’s approval J the ability to search a large number of places rapidly Questions 37-40 Do the following statements agree with the information given in the text? In boxes 37-40 on your answer sheet, write TRUE                     if the statement agrees with the information FALSE                   if the statement contradicts the information NOT GIVEN        if there is no information on this 37. Methods of determining if a child has ADHD are now widely accepted. 38. After about five minutes of a vigilance test, some subjects will still notice some blips. 39. Vigilance tests help improve concentration. 40. If a few grams of a drug are well concealed, even the best dogs will miss them. Show Answers

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