#if only so i could use dating apps or talk to people irl bc i think just getting fucked real good would fix me
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Google is it immoral to sexually fantasize about friends that have expressed that they do not have interest in you yes/no
#raunchy rabble#listen i need to make sure i meed to make sure i shpuldbt stamp out these thoughts fully#i wont act kn them besides getting off in the privacy of my home#but like. is it fucked up? is it fucked up? am i doing something inherently predatory?#is yhere an inherent aspect of cruelty and exploitation to fantasizing about this shit abt ppl you know?#people who you know only like you as a friend???#aughhg#i wish i was conventionally attractive and got out more and like. straight and/or cis#if only so i could use dating apps or talk to people irl bc i think just getting fucked real good would fix me#sorry im making this post bc if i dont ill be unable to think of anything else except like#the cycle of 'oooohhh sexy time B]' and 'oh god what if im directly harmong people i love selfishly'
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How did I never realize you wrote for Josh, Juicy and Eddie too omg?? :00 that's so cool
Also!
Could I request a Foolish x Reader with them being online friends meeting up irl for the first time (stupid sillies crushing on each other and flustered confessions have a death grip on me lmao)
I recently got back into the boys so 🙏🙏 just doing God's work yk? this app needs to be blessed by x reader fics of them so mwahhahaah (leave me sm reqs for them idec) ; ooo okay okay I see u bro, I got you ; thanks for requesting and I hope you enjoy! ; post writing me, sorry this is so short, idek man I had a couple paragraphs then deleted them bc they were so unnecessary lolll ; ALSO TWO POSTS TODAY!! I might post tonight but we'll see. two of these oneshots are hurting my brain bc idk what to do LMAOOO
FOOLISH GAMERS ; flustered confessions
summary ; you meet up with foolish irl and dorkily confess your feelings
warnings ; language, supportive little elderly people 🫶
word count ; 491
masterlist
You were now sitting in Foolish's office, watching him finish editing a video he didn't complete before he left to pick you up from the airport. You lay on the floor, a plushie shark used as a pillow for your head, the (mostly nonexistent) jetlag getting the best of you.
He turns around in his swirly chair, finding you on the floor. "You okay?" He smiles.
You nod in response, his smile making you feel a twisty-turny feeling in your stomach as it was swarmed with butterflies. "You wanna go get something to eat? I'm starving"
"Yeah, sure. Where do you wanna go?" He speaks, grabbing his phone and wallet off his desk to shove them in his pants pockets.
"Anything local?" You suggest, sitting up to put the plushie back where it went on his shelving system.
"Yeah, I have a few ideas" He nods with a little smile, "C'mon, I'll drive"
"Yes sir"
︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶
Foolish had taken you two to a little diner on the edge of town. You sit in the high tops in front of one of the large windows, sipping on cool glasses of water and chewing on the sandwiches you'd ordered.
An elderly couple walks past, smiling as they see the two of you laughing and smiling together. The old woman smiles as her and her husband slowly walk past, her frail voice respectfully quieting the two of you.
"You two are so adorable together. You better put a ring on that finger, young man"
Foolish's cheeks quickly redden as he smiles kindly at the old woman. "Oh, thank you"
You giggle, feeling your face flush a bit.
The old lady gives you both a warm smile, the same as her husband's, as they walk away toward the front counter to place their order. You and Foolish look at each other, nervous and flustered looks plastered on your faces.
"That was..." You start.
"Yeah." He chuckles, trying to hide his smile.
You snicker, looking away for a moment.
You're both quiet for a minute, not knowing how to redirect the conversation.
"I mean... she wasn't wrong." Foolish shrugs, catching your gaze with his awkward smile.
"Huh?" You question, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I think we look cute together," He says, his voice cracking a little bit. "I like you," He shrugs, trying to act nonchalantly as he looks for a reaction in your eyes.
You blink a few times, trying to find a way to react as you scan over every scenario in your head. "Oh" is the only thing to slip out from your mouth.
"Oh?"
"No, like, good! Sorry"
"No, no, you're fine! Uh-"
"Sorry"
You talk over each other, still flustered and nervous around each other.
"Would you wanna make this a date?" You quickly ask, stealing the words from Foolish's mouth.
"Yeah!" He smiles, "Sure"
"Cool"
"We can't tell Quackity about this, okay?"
"Oh, yeah, of course"
#lowkeyrobin#mcyt x reader#mcyt preferences#mcyt oneshot#gender neutral reader#gn reader#gn! reader#they/them reader#foolish gamers oneshot#foolish gamers x reader#foolish gamers#foolish gamers x you
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maybe kinda random but you give good advice so I wanna hear your thoughts. I feel really lonely due to living in a small town, not being able to make friends in hs bc my toxic parents never let me go anywhere. I have 2 irl friends that I love and appreciate but they work a lot so we rarely text or see each other bc they’re always so busy/tired. I wish I had more friends so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. I’ve tried dating apps, online spaces, etc but nothing worked. And if I made a (online) friend they’ve ghosted me for whatever reasons. I’m trying so hard to stay positive but I really hate my life (being stuck in a toxic household tryna save money in this economy…) not having anyone to have meaningful connections with makes it worse. Idk what to do. These days I’ve been thinking a lot about s*icide even tho I’m a coward and won’t do it. The only thing that makes me feel better is disassociating and pretending like I’m someone else or in a different situation. But I can’t do that forever…. I could go more in depth but I don’t wanna burden you. I’m wondering how can I make friends and actually feel like life’s worth living?
If you’re in your early twenties, I have good news! No part of your life will ever be as hard as it is right now. I’ve been right where you are. Depressed and lonely and suicidal. I felt like there was no escape. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
My first bit of advice is that nothing external is going to fill the emptiness in you. It’s a wound that needs to heal and self love and fulfillment have to happen before anything else can. And those words look big right now because we don’t do a good job of talking about how to achieve them in little ways. Ways you can start today.
First pick the easiest thing to motivate you to do something regularly. Therapy is a good start, but for me my healing began when I started cleaning my (actually my dads) house. Cleaning was something I kinda liked and it wasn’t scary because I didn’t have to leave the house. I started by just picking a shelf to organize. Then one thing to scrub. Eventually I was proud of my spotless house and wanted to do things like cut fresh flowers for a nice table. I wanted to go to the store and get a fancy snack or a nice candle. I walked my dogs everyday and being in nature was profoundly healing for me. I picked the things I could do even when I was miserable.
Where you can start is the easy places for you. Maybe you’re more like my sister and need to pour that effort into your job. Or maybe you need to build things like my other sister. Maybe you’re close to a grandparent and can schedule a weekly dinner. I have a friend that started writing fanfiction, then her own novel. I have another friend that works on cars. That started with just tinkering with his own.
And none of those things have to be huge on day one. If you paint, just swirl colors or doodle on day one. If you write, write a paragraph. Do a 100 piece puzzle. Listen to music. Cry if you have to. Forgive yourself for the days you can’t do anything. If you’re self medicating with alcohol/weed/cigarettes try and cut back a tiiiiny bit.
But kids from disfunctional families are set up to fail. Children have very little autonomy to begin with and we spend the first 18-21 years of our lives having life be something that happens TO us. This is even worse in dysfunctional families where you have to sort of float with the current just to survive. Then they push us out the door and say “go live” without any instruction. All your skills and coping mechanisms are built around enduring life and not around building one.
And that’s the big secret. You have to build your life but you also get to. Fill it with things you love and enjoys and prune out the things that stress you out.
And lastly, the way to make friends is the same way you ask someone on a date. Luckily unlike a date, most people are JUST AS DESPERATE FOR A FRIEND AS YOU! People have never been lonelier. My secret is I go out, I do activities. I tell friends to invite other friends, then befriend them. If I run into an old childhood playmate, or college pal or old classmate I follow up on those half baked plans to “get coffee sometime”. Family can be included here too. Maybe you have a chill sibling or cousin.
DnD has been great for me. People hear I DM and so many people are like “oh I’ve always wanted to play” so I invite them! A low stakes way to find a new friend is to talk about a really fun thing you’re doing around coworkers/acquaintances and when someone makes this face 🥺 you say “why don’t you join us/me!”
Or do what my autistic best friend did and I quote “find one really loud but nice extrovert and don’t blast their huge social group with your autism until after you’re their party healer” which is a silly way for me to say that making one friend leads to others.
I could go on and on here but this is an essay already. Hope this helps and isn’t just a stream of consciousness.
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could u tell us more about how u two met? only if u are comfortable sharing it of course, if not i just wanted to say im very invested in your posts about him and im glad u found someone like that, its nice seeing u happy ♥ wishing u all the best!!!
i'm very flattered that you've taken in interest in this lol. fair warning, this might be a tad long. ok so! we met on this app, it wasn't a dating app or anything like that. it was something more anonymous than that, i used it to try and meet new people and talk to someone when i needed a distraction from my own head, you know?? literally neither of us were really looking for something like that. in fact, he told me that he was just on there bc he was bored one night and he figured that i'd be nothing more than a 30 minute conversation. well.... long story short, we talked for like 4 hours straight lmao
he was so..... refreshing. as i briefly mentioned before, i have a dumb sense of humor. it's very teasing and dramatic and things like that. when i first joked with him he went along with it and that was so rare for me, it made me very happy
so! we met, talked for a few days and then he told me he was going to switch to his old phone bc the one he had at the time was broken and hard to use. so on this app, as i said it's all about anonymity so if you delete it or switch phones like he was going to, it doesn't save your conversations, you have to start over from scratch. unfortunately this did happen with ours and get this... he spent HOURS searching for me again like..... NO ONE has ever done anything like that for me before. thinking about it still makes me feel all tingly
he just gets me in a way most people don't. like with my overthinking, he's very kind and considerate to let me know when he can't talk to me or when it might be awhile bc he understands. i've told him things that i haven't even told my irl best friend and i've known her for years. he's like my very best friend but one i want to kiss and shower in affection and be with forever and ever
i feel bad bc idk when i'll be ready to actually meet and date and all that bc i have so much shit wrong with my life and it's embarrassing but.... maybe one day, if i'm lucky and don't fuck things up
#i rambled A LOT im sorry lol#youre also so super sweet and i appreciate you and this message very much!!! <3#ask box#anonymous
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Coming here to vent about dating, romance/love, and a bit of misce/omegaverse stuff bc I don't feel like putting any of this on main
I'm having a lot of thoughts about like... dating, especially w being queer and dating, at this age and how impossible it is (dating apps are something that legitimately scares me so I'm like. No way will I ever use those)
But also wondering if maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I've been managing it alone for a good few years now after a really toxic relationship with who was, essentially, a predator, ended, and while it's not a bad thing to be alone, I guess the sad part is seeing all my peers enjoy happy long-term relationships where they have the unconditional support and affection of someone at all times
I guess what I'm trying to explain is, I feel really starved for romance and affection and honestly? Over anything else? Just someone I can TRUST. Feel safe around. And so on. Like... having a person represent a "home", considering I never feel at home anywhere.
Of course, there's also the omegaverse/misce stuff. It's secondary to me and not a necessary consideration for a romantic relationship, but I also just worry it'll be seen as a weird kink or something. Just one more thing in the pile of things that make me "too much to deal with" for most, I suppose. In an ideal world I'd meet someone who already knows of it and potentially identifies as alpha, too (though it's not like I'm picky lmao) but ultimately that doesn't mattet.
And perhaps it's my own stubbornness about refusing to use stuff like dating apps. Then again, I don't even know which ones the queer folk where I live use, AND I don't want to have to deal with the fear of opening up once again only to witness the other person struggle with the realization of how much trauma I have and how much of it I'm STILL only unpacking, and getting scared and just leaving because they don't want to deal with a broken thing. I'm not asking anyone to fix me, actually I'd rather do it myself anyway, but it's a bit disheartening to see how overwhelming even just a fraction of my issues can be to some people. This is not a bad thing- people have different tolerances for things and that includes hardship. Having to hear about some of the things I've been through and seeing the damage I'm still trying to mend could be extremely distressing and upsetting to some people solely because they're empathizing with it, and I don't want my pain to hurt anyone else
Again, it's all fine, I'm just rambling here obviously. Need to let these 4am thoughts out somewhere so I can maybe put it into better words and then later talk about it with the irl people that might care.
It just gets a bit lonely and especially, hopeless, I guess. Maybe life will always happen around me while I stay stagnant?
Also I'm falling asleep while typing
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What your fave SCM god says about you
I read one psychology article and now I’m all knowing. Hope at least one of these points apply to you simps
If your favourite is Leon, you are one of the following:
Youngest child
Outcast or the “popular” kid
Daddy issues
Your childhood dream was either to be royalty or be rich
You hyperfixate to many things
You might say ur not charismatic but you’ve had at least more than 1 person you rejected a love confession to
“You’re wrong, I’m right, shut up.”
You don’t fall in love easily but once you do, you fall hard
You like smug bastards or you have a bondage fantasy
Your favourite voltage game is one of the following: Kissed by the Baddest Bidder, Court of Darkness, Masquerade’s Kiss, or Kings of Paradise
You have fairy lights in your room filled with pictures or posters
You had a massive friend group but at least 5 people have left from then to now
You cling onto memories like they’re a lifeline
You have the latest phone or more than 3 leisure electronics
If your favourite is Scorpio:
You can’t be any taller than 5′6
You probably listen to bands and can’t go anywhere without your headphones
Really creative
Your favourite Shakespeare play was Hamlet or Macbeth
Have had or is going through an emo phase
Hates writing essays
Have 3 best friends max
You have definitely bought albums, posters, or merch of your faves
ur probably a weeb
you’ve broken a bone or you’re very knowledgeable in the medical field/how to harm the human body for some reason
dark humour is the best humour
Your friends are very concerned for you because of said humour
You like watching people play Monopoly bc of the chaos
into so many fandoms that you know the lore of your faves more than you know the material you learn at school
If your favourite is Teorus:
You are an only or youngest child
Spoiled
Daddy/Mommy issues
Abandonment issues
You feel like you fade into the background/don’t contribute much to the group
You feel like you are often forgotten
You’re close with your cousins
You probably have a pet
Taylor Swift or 1D for life
Have definitely threatened to kill or beat someone up despite you intimidating no one
You want to play an important role but you are so not the leader type
You like Ouran Host Club
You like the outdoors
You probably like To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
Your favourite disney princess is Rapunzel or Cinderella
If your favourite is Huedhaut:
You are definitely a romantic
You’re not an air sign (Gemini, Aquarius, or Libra)
You’re a moron or you make bad decisions and Hue is there to help balance that out
Chances are you read more fanfic than actual books
Your system is 70% caffeine
For some reason you have lots of random trivia
Have you considered therapy for your suppressed trauma?
Dungeons and Dragons fan
You’re really into alcohol or you despise it
Loyalty is the trait you admire most
You want to feel like a sassy and classy bitch but you gave up after 2 days
Your favourite ship trope is enemies to lovers or slow burn
A lot of pent up angst but you hide it
you put other people > yourself bc you don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did
Why do you have so many memes saved?
Why do you have reaction pictures for everything?
If your favourite is Dui:
You’re probably not into guys
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
Either you’re a precious sunshine child or you are the most fucked up human in your friend circle
You have a choking kink
You either take sides in fights or you’re the middle ground
You make lots of threats but no one is acc taking them seriously
You probably are a massive manipulator
You’re psychotic and have violent tendencies
Your best friend lives far away from you/ you have an internet friend that gets you more than your IRL ones
You say honesty is the best policy but you lie the most
Everyone comes to you for advice but you think you’re the most mentally unstable
You have identity issues and u change ur mind all the time
Whatever you were as a kid, you’re probably the opposite of that now
If your favourite is Ichthys:
You are attached to the characters with the most trauma
You must not be a clean freak or your room is equally as messy as Ikky’s
Oldest or middle child (either way u have siblings)
Never got to go to an amusement park as a kid
Want attention/didn't get enough attention as a kid
You want Ichthys’ parents to adopt u bc they are the family stability you crave
Unresolved trauma and definitely not mentally stable
You liked dinosaurs as a kid
You had pet fish as a kid and they all died bc you overfed them
Using anything else to escape ur reality
Cartoons > real life actors
Probably hate seafood or afraid of the sea (ironic as it is)
Nostalgia is your best friend
Hurt/Comfort is your favourite AO3 tag
You collect random shit or you have a memory box
You are the reason child leashes were invented
You got into real dangerous situations as a kid and you’re wondering how you lived through that
Your comfort characters all got it the worst or are dead
If your favourite is Zyglavis:
How are those high expectations treatin ya?
You either want to get into medical, sciences, or law
When you were younger you got enrolled in extra classes (swimming, piano, ballet, etc)
Your parents encouraged creativity until you got older and they told you to choose a more “realistic” goal
Good grades = everything and you’ll pull all-nighters to finish tasks or assignments
Former gifted student
The actual smart kid in class
YOU HAVE SELF ESTEEM/CONFIDENCE ISSUES
80s are not good enough for you or your parents
Overachiever for any reason
Sleep? What is sleep?
A dom or a brat
You have strict parents or you have had pretty loose rules growing up
You had a lot of friends in grade school and now you have like 4 friends
You are no longer human, you’re just a walking husk of stress
If your favourite is Krioff:
You want to fuck one of Krioff’s family members
You have siblings
A pyromaniac or deathly afraid of fire
Commitment issues
You watch or ur a sports fan
You own an iPhone 6
You’ve ate forbidden items or you’ve thought about it (the fish tank pebbles, erasers, glass, slime, etc)
Everyone thinks you’re the awkward kid but no you’re just shy
You actually like the ocean waves
Once people get to know you, they got a whole thing coming for them
You either suck at driving or can’t drive
A great listener but you don’t feel like you give good advice
Conflict is a no no for you
You definitely had a glow up
You’ve befriended the seniors growing up
You either don’t like kids or you love them
You have a sweet tooth and everyone questions how you are not diabetic with the amount of sweets you’ve consumed
If your favourite is Aigonorus:
You’re either an insomniac or a hypersomniac. Whichever one, you don’t know how much sleep is enough sleep
You’re probably a sub
Commitment or abandonment issues
Desperate for validation and appreciation
touch/love/attention starved
You have a stuffed animal collection or you still have those childhood stuffed animals
You love the idea of love but you are not ready to deal with breakups
You wish you didn’t care but you care too much
Your aesthetic is cutecore
Probably into maid cat boys
Studio Ghibli or Sanrio stan
Comfort > style anyday
You only own sneakers nothing else
If your favourite is Partheno:
You’re definitely not into just guys
You’re a drama kid and you are here for the tea whether it involves you or not
you have the receipts for everything
You were the one kid that played “family” or “house” every recess
no one knows where you get all your cute shit but it serves
have been suspected of witchcraft or considered the dark arts
Stole makeup from your fam as a kid and played with it
HIDE THE TRAUMA. HIDE THE PAST.
You already have a senior quote picked out
You’re either really horny or you just want to cry over how much you love so and so
“Why do men-”
You really want to own that Partheno doll in that one CG
Your most used social media app is Instagram or Snapchat
Your favourite demon brother from Obey Me is most likely Asmodeus
If your favourite is Tauxolouve:
Your favourite KBTBB guy is either Baba or Mamo
You’re into music or theatre
Your ideal date is to go to an opera or a museum
You say you like/dislike something but end up changing ur mind later or when you try it out
In your opinion, the music nowadays is just not it
You recently found a receipt from Walmart for something you bought 5 months ago
Anniversaries are important
When making decisions, you pick the worst possible one
Your most expensive clothing items are your shoes or jewelry
You wish you could attend a ball and marry into royalty, like Cinderella
You like the idea of soulmates or string of fate
Obviously or secretly insecure/self deprecating but you’ll raise all hell if your loved ones talk shit abt themselves
You want your partner to propose first
You like the underrated characters or your favourite characters are unappreciated
If your favourite is Karno you are:
You have childhood trauma, some of you are just not aware of it
You’re the parent of the group
You enjoy ships that have a mom/dad dynamic
Either you’re banned from the kitchen or you’re the one banning people from the kitchen
You were threated with the slipper or you threaten with the slipper
As a kid, you enjoyed Dora or Ni Hao Kai Lan
Your favourite trope is the found family trope
Either you’re an example to your family or you keep getting compared to other kids
An angel around the family but a chaotic bastard with others
You’re probably into some really kinky shit
You like Dangonronpa
Spiritual or religious
Probably had an imaginary friend
You decided you were gonna turn your life around after reading/watching something and went back to the hot mess you were in 3 days
#admin san#y’all getting fed well today damn#all i wrote was a few points in the server now i made a whole post abt it#so tell me was i right or wrong#im just guessing id be suprised if i called u hoes out accurately#i feel so powerful :)#star crossed myth#scm#scm zyglavis#scm scorpio#scm tauxolouve#scm leon#scm teorus#scm karno#scm krioff#scm ichthys#scm partheno#scm aigonorus#scm huedhaut#scm dui#scm headcanons
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Coming out as Lesbian to MHA characters
Decided to do a short headcanon or drabble as coming out as lesbian to different MHA characters. Fun fact about me, I am actually a lesbian but there isn't much good lesbian MHA smut or fluff so I mainly stick with str8 stuff (it's alright but I will only ever date women). I guess the only male I ever had an attraction to is Bakugo, but I only find women attractive irl so I ain't bisexual. It's a mess.
But anyways!
TW: homophobia, lesbophobia, 'correction', mentions of fault beliefs like 'gays are pedophiles/molesters'
Coming out as lesbian to: mirko, Momo, Uraraka, Tyu, Iida, Kirishima and Bakugo.
MIRKO
Okay so Mirko gives off lesbian vibes ngl
Maybe bisexual, but to me she just screams of LESBIAN (don't @ me)
Anyways, it's pretty common knowledge to you all that Mirko is a lesbian
She is out of the closet and ain't afraid to fight on behalf of anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, you are all fucking amazing.
So one day you were super anxious whilst in the local cafe with Mirko and she kinda sensed it. She just recognised the constant fidgeting, not talking, avoiding eye contact and overall anxious vibes you were giving off
So she asked if you wanted to talk about anything
And you kind of just blurted out "I'm a lesbian"
She was kinda like 🧍🏽♀️ at first. Just a bit taken back by what you just said because it was so out of the blue (?) But she has had her suspicions
And then she just gave you the brightest smile she could muster and say "I fucking knew it. My gaydar was tingling"
Does a funny thing with her ears, like a satellite moving kinda thing
She overall just makes you feel super comfortable
If you ever get anxious about homophobia or judgement towards you she is there to back your ass up and make sure no one hurts you
(She might even have a lil crush on you)
MOMO
Okay this queen gives off bisexual vibes ngl
Like her relationship with Todoroki and her relationship with Jirou just kinda screams bisexual vibes (again don't @ me)
You two were kinda just chilling in her room
Studying and shit like that
You were usually okay at this type of work however the realisation of you being a lesbian was eating away at you
You were worried about judgement, homophobia and also people who just fetishise lesbians (mineta kinda screams of those vibes)
You didn't want to be known mainly for your sexuality either. You wanted to be known for what you can do, not your sexual orientation
But you felt as if you wanted to talk about it to at least 1 person
So you asked momo if you could tell her something. She obviously said yes and noticed your anxiety peak (she offered and made you some tea)
And you said "I think I'm a lesbian..."
At first she thought about it for a moment and you were fearful incase she was judging you
But then she stared at you with eyes that just screamed of "I'm so fucking proud of you"
She gave you a big hug, advice, support and helped comfort you with any issues
She even let you sleep over and just made you comfortable with who you are.
Uraraka
You two were actually cooking some food for everyone in 1A to eat
She kinda sensed something was up as you did a complete 180°
Your mood was low, you were anxious, struggling in class, no jokes, no laughter, you were sensitive and struggling to cope with training
So she was actually the one to ask
"Hey Y/N. Are you okay? You've been really down lately."
And it just pours out of you
Your happy that everyone else was too busy playing games (or holding bakugo down as kaminari may or may not of drawn on him whilst he was asleep)
She immediately hugs you and rubs your back
She gives you emotional support and tells you how strong you are for telling het this
She praises you for being so strong for speaking out and talking to her, and how she will always help it if you need help.
Gives you some mochi she bought (strawberry mochi)
And will be there if you ever need support
Tsuyu Asui
Tell me this girl isn't a lesbian, go ahead. I'll wait
LMFAO but in all seriousness she just genuinely screams of lesbian vibes to me
She has never really come out to the class.... they just kinda know and respect it (except mineta)
One day you build the courage to tell her whilst at rescue training
She was working with you to 'rescue' a dummy from a falling building
Once you two are alone and not in much of a hurry (it isn't a timed rescue) you kinda just turn to her and say "hey I'm a lesbian"
She legit just turns around and says "me too"
Nothing much really happens
But at the end of training she does come up to you and say that she is there if you ever need to talk
After a while of you two hanging out you guys kinda just hit it off with dating and once the rest if the class finds out they are kinda shocked, but also collectively proud of you two
Iida
You and Iida are already really close friends. Like you two hang out quite a bit and just feel close and comfortable with each other
You were one day scrolling through LGBTQ stuff on whatever app you want
And you read the comments.... let's just say they were extremely lesbophobic and fetishising
Many people saying they just need a man of to be corrected (all things I have actually been told irl... its disgusting)
And your anxiety just goes 📈
But you're also mad. Like why is your love something others hate? It doesn't harm anyone and why are they so affected by YOIr life? So in class after the morning of you seeing all that hateful stuff, you look pretty upset
At the end of class you are one of the last ones to leave but little do you know Iida is waiting for you outside
Legit goes into a speech about how he is the class rep so therefore it is apart of his duty to help you with whatever you are going through
He also speaks about how you can talk to him at any time as you two are close friends
So you tell him about EVERYTHING. All of the worries you face about being LGBTQ, all the hate that LGBTQ get, the fetishisation of lesbians and bow you don't want to be known as 'the lesbian hero'.
He stands there for a second trying to think of what to say to you
And you begin to walk away because you think his silence is him judging you
But he grabs you by the arm and pulls you into a hug
He promises that he will always be there to help you and swears down as class rep that he will do anything he possibly can to make you comfortable
(With your permission ofcourse) he begins to actually add more LGBTQ things to the dorms and even buys a rainbow pin that he pins to his school blazer.
Also lectures mineta A LOT about respecting women and LGBTQ people (specifically lesbians)
Kirishima
Okay so don't kill me, but in this headcanon kiri is gay (yes, kiribaku fight me, I take no L's)
But even though he was gay (and open to you about it) you were still exceptionally nervous about his opinion.
What if he thought you were disgusting due to being lesbian? What if it makes him uncomfortable? And you were still worried about homophobia.
You two were actually at the gym taking a breather when you finally built up the courage to tell him
He was one of your closest friends and the thought of not telling anyone you were a lesbian ate away at you.
Whilst hes taking a drink you turn to him and say
"You know how you're gay? I think I'm gay too....." it came put just above a whisper
At first he was confused.... like? You're a female
And then it clicked
He immediately started smiling, acting dopey and shit
Kept saying "I'm so proud of you" "happy you're out of the closet" and "we are the gae family"
But once you explained your fears to him he immediately took on the role of helping you out
He used his manliness to prove to you that he will help you out no matter what
Fron then on you knew he wouldn't let anyone hurt you.
Bakugou
Like I said fir kirishima, bakugo is gay in this headcanon
(Kiribaku ya know)
You two were sat in the common area alone bc everyone else was playing twister in kaminari's room, but you two..... were not prepared for that
Bakugo was watching some random show on the TV about pro heroes and the hardest villains ever beaten in battle whilst you were scrolling on your phone
Casually you were looking at LGBTQ stuff and just scrolling through the hashtag on instagram
Until a scrolling slideshow of a 'list' come up about why 'being gay was wrong '
Immediately you saw fucking RED
Everything they were spewing was bs like "gays are pedophiles", "they molest children" and "lesbians need to be corrected"
And so you broke put into a rant
Yelling about the morons of the world who genuinely believe this bs and you would not stop ranting....
Bakugo was sat there like 👀👀👀
He was honestly surprised to see you so pissed 'what a great ally' the thought
And then one line slipped from your mouth
"My sexuality isn't made for peoples fucking porn"
You stopped... bakugo stared.... silence
"You a lesbian?" His voice was as gruff as ever so you took that as a negative sign
"Yeah... what about it?"
"Nothing, it's fine. And congrats about fucking time you realised"
Then he went back to watching TV
After seeing you get upset and angry about homophobia he kept his eye out for you, threatening any pricks that would do shit to you
He would nearly beat minetas ass if he got close to you (mineta didn't even realise you were a lesbian lmaoo)
Whenever you're anxious he has made it known that he is there if you ever need to talk.
OOP, second one done WEHEY WEHEY!!! I hope you enjoyed. Many of my issues with my sexuality were actually projected into these headcanons. Let's just say being gay isn't fun especially when you can't come out ✌🏻
#boku no hero academia#mha#my hero academia imagines#bakugo katsuki#bakugou katsuki#bnha bakugo katsuki#bnha bakugou#boku no academia#bnha manga#boku no hero art#bnha#bakugo x reader#bakugou x reader#mirko x reader#momo yaoyozoru#momo yaoyorozu x reader#uraraka ochako#uraraka x reader#tsu x reader#tsuyu asui x reader#kirishima eijirou#kirishima fluff#kirishima x bakugou#kirishima x reader#iida x reader
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this is random but how long have you been using this account? i remember you as some of the first people i followed when i discovered radical feminism
I had to look up my archive to remember but it looks like I started this blog in June of 2016, as long as I didn’t delete all post prior to June for some reason (I don’t really delete posts, it’s too much work lol. try not to go fishing for anything embarrassing I beg everyone). I would have been aawb then. Plus that timeline feels right, because I had to remake bc around that time ish tumblr out of nowhere reset everyone’s passwords and my email address was tied to a college email I didn’t have access too and there was no recovery. so I had a side blog for about a year or two as radfemeudaimonia, then tumblr reset people’s passwords, and I could only access that blog and my other blogs at the time via the app because that never logged me out. I did that for like 2-3 months, and then gave up and just abandoned those and remade a new account as aawb. Before making radfemuedaimonia, I had been on tumblr on my main account for like who even knows how long, but years. So I’ve been around on tumblr a long time. I changed my url from aawb to kiefbowl probably around nov/dec of 2017, which is weird to realize that because I thought I was aawb for a really long time, but I guess not and I’ve been kiefbowl for longer now. anyway, that’s my rambling history on tumblr, which is not really what you asked for, but I’m glad you asked because I had to look up and take stock of my history which is good to do from time to time and gd I’ve been here a long time lol.
If you’ve been here a long time with me, you’ve probably notice I’ve changed how I use tumblr a lot. Tumblr used to be so so so important to me in expressing my ideas and finding theory on feminism and connecting with other women. I was also younger, under employed, struggling, angry as fuck, and super depressed. I would spend a lot more time trying to get well written “discourse” posts out there and answered a lot more asks. I def think my edge has dulled a bit, for better and for worse. I’ve come to terms with the ways tumblr has also been very unproductive and unhealthy for me as well, and I’m just older. The need for validation was something I was blind to at 25, I realize how important that was for me in hindsight, and now it’s not that important to me. I know what I believe, I know how I act, I know what’s incongruent, I don’t really need strangers weighing in, even if I like them. I feel I know a lot of mutuals, but I also have come to terms we don’t really know each other. There are a lot of people on radblr (whatever that means) I admire for their posts or attitude or jokes, but I know we might not actually get along if we met in real life. Lately, I’m more focused on my immediate community. I’m trying to put a lot of energy into my irl relationships (including the men I know!) because I think that’s more worthwhile of my time and you have to put what you read into practice at some point. You have to see what the consequences of your words in real time, it’s at times surprising and humbling, which makes it worthwhile.
I have met a few people from tumblr in real life. some of it has worked out, some of it hasn’t. some of it not working is my fault, bc I had a lot of dips in depression over the past few years. I think about reaching out to them and making it better all the time, and I think I will once covid is done. I met up with someone once and I got creepy anons I ignored who knew about it at some point and then she published a couple anons that creeped me out too (I don’t know if she realizes it) and unfortunately that was one of the reasons I put some distance between us, not that I was conscious of it really but I see it now in hindsight, and became reeeeeaaaally conscious of what I said and posted here and who I met up with, which since has been one other person and no one else. These were people going “I’m so excited to hear you met up with x” and she got an anon she published that said “I think you and aawb should start dating” and I was like “okay there be freaks on tumblr” and since then I just really put a lot of distance between me and the non mutuals here. It’s very clear between me and other mutuals who are “big” (whatever that means tbh) that I’ve talked to it about that there are unwell people on tumblr who project a whole lot of shit onto you even if they admire you. Psychologically, that can wear on you more than dumbass misogynists who argue with you, because they’re just flash in the pan and to them you’re faceless, you’re anybody, you don’t matter. But people who are sycophantic think they know you (not suggesting you are anon, your ask seems completely reasonable. I ignore shit like that now, I’ve stop publishing those anons) and they say weird stuff that is like...dumb. like “you’re the smartest person in the world” or whatever and it’s like, obviously that is not true and it’s not actually appreciated. I’m just regular, we’re all regular people on here.
I’ll be real, I think about archiving this blog by keeping my posts I like and am proud of and deleting everything else, and not deactivating but bouncing. At one point or another, tumblr is going to phase out of my life. It’s probably going to happen sooner than later, I just feel old at this point and sometimes I find it a little embarrassing idk.
I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my blog and I’ve helped you in whatever ways I have to help you find feminism. I hope you keep at it and remember to talk to as many women as possible as much as you can! :)
It was fun decompressing my history with this anon, it’s actually helped me a little gain some perspective, so thank you anon, even if that wasn’t your intention lol. I do what I want lmao.
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so after one really big latte, a muffin, a run which resulted in a near accident with an oncoming car, and a shower in which i contemplated my own mortality, here’s my thoughts on the adorable me & au podcast, because babe wake up new hyperfixation dropped. very spoiler-y, i’m sorry in advance for how f*cking long this is, this might only have like two people reading this but i have many thoughts please listen to this podcast because it’s so cute and i listened to it all in about 2.5 hours?
- firstly: the main character is super relatable. like, scary relatable. meet kate “acunningplan” cunningham, a gal about to enter her senior year of college and just kinda,,,lost. she works as a barista and very confused, very...stuck gal by day, fic writer (and still very stuck gal) by.........not barista hours.
- honestly, i love kate. idk i’m about to enter my senior year of college, and bro i related so hard to her fears of “bro i can’t even think about next week without feeling overwhelmed”. she misses her best friend whitney a lot, who is currently on the other side of the country for an impressive internship. so that can be kinda lonely.
- but fear not, kate has an escape, like so many other fic writers/fandom people: fanfic. this whole story references tumblr without actually naming tumblr (let’s be real....it’s tumblr, from the “notes” to “this stupid app keeps crashing”), and kate follows this tv show about werewolves and supernatural creatures. very gay. only problem is that there’s not a whole ton of people active in the fandom, since this show is relatively new.
- however, in this small fandom, kate meets ella: otherwise known as “hella-enchanted”, who is another fic writer.
- kate is very obsessed with the idea of alternate universes, and for that alone, i love her.
- okay, so even if you’ve never fallen in love with a person online/in fandom circles, i just wanna say that ella and kate’s interactions are still so super relatable. the shooting messages, the starting random conversations and getting a little thrill when you see someone liking your personal post or whatever. it’s very wholesome.
- also, at the end of episode 1, kate goes on about how “yeah, fanfic is kinda odd, but it led me...to you” and it was so soft and gentle you just know your heart is gonna melt huh
- at one point, kate decides to be vulnerable via vent post about something that came up on the show (and oh god yeah i feel...things. kate relates very hard to one character in the tv show she’s following, and tbh,,,yeah. i can’t quite word it right now, but i think anyone who feels kinda.....stuck? would relate.)
- the “EXACTLY ONE PERSON ASKED FOR THIS ESSAY SO HERE IT IS” please
- also oh :’)))) kate talks about ella’s playlists and when i tell you i squeaked a little bit because oh hey--
- anyways lol yes can you relate to like,,,posting a vent post and forgetting to delete it and being mildly horrified (but also mildly touched) when someone actually responds?
- ella’s very sweet, just responds with “seems like one of my favorite fandom people needed a pick-me-up” and :’))) i would die for ella! (i mean, i would die for all the characters)
- okay yes also all the bits where ella and kate scream at each other about fic. very relatable, very real, you can tell that the writers of this podcast really knew this feeling, and i just :’)))
- THE TWO DEBATE OVER TITLES,,,,,kate keeps sending in crack-y titles and also song lyrics, and ella comments on “well,,,i just read this whole wikipedia page, so i think i’ve lost the high ground”, so if y’all KNOW i started laughing at that
- also LMAOOOO the moment when conversation diverts from fic and fandom to slightly more personal things! kate being like “oh,,,,,you have an actual job! like,,,you’re an actual adult and.....how’s that?” and then quickly rambling on via message “actually let me change the topic because that’s probably too personal”...
- okay so there’s this bit where ella drops the fact that she’s never read anne of green gables because “listen,,,,you have an ex-girlfriend who sang the anne of green gables musical all the time--” and kate’s “.......ex-girlfriend? you had an ex-girlfriend? girl--” (and BACKSPACING ALL OF THAT because “god i’m such a freak”)
- much gay disaster
- so much gay disaster
- opportunity for kate and ella to meet irl comes up! at a fan convention! in toronto! (and kate lives in bc). kate’s best friend (remember, internship one?) invited kate over to toronto for this thing anyways, and then ella posts something about “heeeey i’m gonna be in the area so if anyone wants to meet up for the fan convention...”
- let me just say......kate chucking her phone across the room because she freaked out about that. again. very cool, very nicely done, very relatable, etc.
- ALSO,,,,i forget if this was one of kate or ella’s fics or if it was the actual tv show, but there’s this tidbit where the characters in the literal fandom has this conversation:
“don’t waste your time.”
“what?”
“don’t waste your time on me.”
and the way that reflects kate’s feelings-but-she’s-not-trying-to-think-about-it for ella please let me just die here
- okay, so kate does decide to message ella about the meet-up, and let me just tell you, kate’s inner monologue about the worst possibilities for ella’s responses:
“1. no response. which is terrible.
2. you find out you’re not wanted after all. :(((((
3. the most terrifying response of all.......” (an enthusiastic “yes i’m so glad we can meet up!!!”)
- well, of course ella responds with #3.
- gay disaster kate not knowing how to acknowledge her feelings for ella...she goes on this “you don’t wanna come across as....y’know because if they suspect that....y’know.....and like, i don’t....y’know--” oh my god kate
- anyways, kate works at a coffeeshop, right? and her co-worker stewart (nonbinary pansexual co-worker! we love to see the rep!!) being like “oh yeah maybe you can bring over your friend!” and kate panicking because “ohhhhh i’m not too sure about that,,,,she’s,,,,,,,,,busy......” (ie. the awkward moment of having to explain that,,,,,,your online friend isn’t exactly someone you’ve met in real life,,,,,,,,and not sure exactly how to explain that so you just,,,,,,“ohhhh uhhh......y’know...............it’s really hard to.......get her out of.....work.....”
- kate and ella video-chatting for the first time is very cute, very gay. very gay.
- they swap “how’d you know you were gay / liked girls” stories :’)))
- “that’s a cute story!” “you’re a cute story” [awkward silence] “please let me hide under the desk now” (have i mentioned that kate’s a disaster? i love her, but you’re a disaster. we need to be best friends.)
- kate.....describing herself as “irl fanfic disaster waiting to happen” and the whole “i didn’t know we were actually dating until she asked if she could kiss me” lmaoooooooooo (but okay yes this is also a mood? like,,,,,,idk something about heteronormative standards so like,,,,,it’s so stupidly hard to figure out if a girl is flirting with you or if they’re just being nice i am glad kate’s such a disaster)
- in other news: kate’s “how tf do i write a kiss scene i don’t like the word lips ughhhhHHHHH” (yeah, mood kate)
- lmao stewart (kate’s co-worker!) just chilling with kate and being like “oh yeah i figured you had a girlfriend? the one you’re talking about? ella?” and kate blanking because “wait you thought ella was my girlfriend? she’s not....uhhh....” and then later drinking with stewart and rambling about ella and panicking because “what if she realizes i can’t talk about anything except this tv show what if she thinks i laugh too loud what if i have horrific body odor what if she realizes i have NOTHING to say what if our meeting goes SO terribly that i need to deactivate and change my name just so i could like her posts at 3 am” and then her small “please forget i said any of that”
- oh kate :((((
- kate :((((((
- k a t e :(((((((((((((((((((
- anyways, kate does go to toronto.
- meets ella.
- very cute.
- ella...........very gay. they go into a coffeeshop and kate doesn’t know what to do.
- okay but what’s hilarious is that ella,,,,,seems so cool and suave and i too would be kind of intimidated by her but then these two idiots really talk about writing kissing scenes and the build-up and ella’s voice gets all,,,,,,suggestive and there’s this.....awkward gay silence between the two oh my GOD they’re both IDIOTS
- also okay yes kate and whitney, a irl friend, having a heart-to-heart. good. we love that. also, whitney being like “I MISSED YOU!!! YOU IDIOT!!!! and i’m glad you have a new friend, and you’re happy, but I MISSED YOU!!! I HATE THIS CITY AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!!!” (whitney is also very relatable. ily whitney.)
- they’re so cute. they hug, and it’s sweet :’)) also, then kate says in a stupidly small voice “i think i’m....kinda in love with [ella]?” and whitney being best supportive friend--
- OKAY so we finally get an episode of ella’s perspective
- listen, you’re gonna think ella’s this cool, suave person who has all her own gayness put together (i mean, she kinda knew since she was 9 or 10 years old? she’s had a girlfriend? she seems like she has her life together? she’s waiting to get into grad school? she has a job? she just seems....cool and knows what she’s doing).
- but then you realize. ella is just as much a pining mess. (her bullet point list/schedule in her head is so relatable. as someone who uses her notes and reminders app religiously, that was just :’)))
- ella: reasons why this is not a date. and then....kate sends a message. (ella: reason why this....might be a date....kate keeps saying stuff like...that.)
- kate rehearsing how to tell ella that she maybe kinda likes her? very cute. (”you know the feeling in your chest when....uh, you know when you feel like you have a frog in your stomach--oh god not the frog NOT the frog”)
- the love confession is very cute, and also very relatable. “i like you a lot” “i like you too!” “no i mean,,,,like i like you. wait. which like do you mean? wait that’s not english. uh. what did you say?”
- kate’s “I HAD A WHOLE DRAMATIC FANFIC CONFESSION PLANNED OUT”
- kate and ella just spilling everything made me :’)))
- “i like how your brain works” “i made so many posts hoping that you would just talk to me” “you always make me laugh” “you just make me feel...better” “you make me smile”
- “this whole summer you’ve been making me smile and i guess it kind of freaked me out? ...i don’t know where my life is going but if i have a choice, i want to go in any direction you’re going because you are cute and smart and amazing and i like you a lot, ella. like that. so yeah. that’s what i was thinking i’d say.”
- i essentially explaine dthe whole plot but
- i love this podcast a lot
- it was very sweet
- and very cute
- very wlw
- i don’t even mind that i almost got hit by a car while i was running and listening to this it was worth it
- idk. just like. anyone who’s ever read or written fic or just like...not necessarily fallen in love with another person? but at least relating to that feeling of “oh god i am not qualified to talk to this person” and “oh god what if they realize i’m actually,,,,a loser” and “oh god wait how to friend” can probably hit a lot of people
- but that said. the romance was very cute, very sweet, makes me :’)))
- okay i’ll stop talking now but i just. it’s very cute, very relatable, i wish we had a season 2 but i think it’s a limited series. (but they’re living rent free in my head! forever!)
#caroline talks#oh god.......oh god#i'm so sorry for how long this is#but in case you couldn't tell i have literally so many feelings#so many feelings#yo @ me and au creators: thank u for making me feel seen and wanting to cry because of it!#it's beautiful#and very gay#and like idk even if you've never fallen in *love* with a fandom friend i think you can still hardcore relate to this?#just because like......bro there's something..........so soft about this#also.....gay disasters#also really saying 'hey everyone's actually super awkward there's no such thing as being cool and suave'#also just......AGH no someone please scream with me about this#i am going to SCREAM about this forever#i also....once again: feel WAY too seen#like.....WAY too seen#anyways#me & au
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hi babe, hope you slept well.. ♥️
answering on the phone is just *takes screenshots* *opens tumblr app* *switch between screenshots and answering* do you also put on my messages on the laptop and answering with your phone usually, because that’s what i do lmao sjshdks. thank god for technology.
(I LOVE BEING CALLED BRO.. i believe that i would’ve been a dudebro in another life tbh..) there is? i’m not super immersed in the fandom actually so i had no idea, do you have any examples? ofc only if you wanna talk about it i know these topics can sometimes be annoying to think about. also you’re right! ‘don’t like don’t read’ is the law. follow it. i can’t believe how some people have the nerve to talk about what other people do creatively... yikes
you should if you ever find yourself not knowing what to read! i think their fics were some of my first in the fandom and they set the bar so high hehe. dude i love how oikawa just wants to see kageyama burn it’s so funny..... he’s so cocky about it while kageyama’s just his moody self. speaking of; one of my fave fics of yours is the swapping jerseys one!
WTF 😭 BABY POOLS AND POOL FLOATIES..... razor please come back to us please. sidenote but do you also think that his powers are 5 star level? hes soo powerful it’s so odd how he’s only 4 star haha... or maybe it’s just me being biased.
YEAH! THE SAVING SCENE IS SO AHHHHH. god especially if they have dialogue while person a is hurting and person b just spills all their feelings and becomes so erratic and scared and person a is like holy shit you love me.... and after everything is okay there’s still some awkwardness and tension and aaa.... 💢💔
OOO. sadly the ps5 is always out of stock it’s crazy how fast it sold out. but i mean it makes sense it’s arguably the most popular console so.. hopefully they restock soon. last of us is such a fun game! and the second part is ~gay~ which is always a plus. i’m not sure which memes you mean? tell me 👁 HAHA that makes sense actually omg... lumine and aether reunion won’t happen until like two years if the updates keep coming the way they are (STOP THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE SO FUNNY.... like hello if you want to unlock the rest of the story you either gacha $pin for it or you imagine it yourself love ♥️😗) talking about this makes me wonder what the other worlds might look like....
your followers are just here to witness us planning our co-op date sjsjdkdjskz. speaking of,,, hehe. i have some fantastic news. i’m at ar level 11 right now and co-op unlocks at level 16... i might just reach that tomorrow (today for you) so i’m just saying hehehehehehehehehehehe.... 😏♥️
BOWL CUT. my cutie little baby. also mullet? sounds nice omg you will probably rock that look... 😳 i’m a non mullet supporter but if cluna has a mullet then call me a yeehaw mullet lover i suppose. can’t believe my wife is a cowboy. OMG YEAH IT MUST FEEL SO NICE your head went bzz bzz. how long did it take for them to accept it? and yeah god ikr some people take hair so seriously which is fair but also i’ve never understood it... like it grows out..? wow you really went from a ballet girl to punk rock style huh. i feel like you’re the both sides of the ‘she was a punk she did ballet’ meme.
memo fic is a jealous fic? mmm smells good. I FIGURED jshdjdkhsjs slow songs are just not your forte, huh? rip. langst is the best yet worst thing ever tbh. and YEAH I DO we’re truly 🤝 ok literally mood sometimes it’s just nice to talk about how much you love a character through another character in a fic yk? so what if this 2k fic contains 1k words about how beautiful oikawa looks? it’s what iwa feels <3 (YOU’RE LEARNING!!!!!!! THATS SO EXCITING!! i guess you just have to drive me around, huh?)
oh i’m in love i’m with that fic my girl. and i knew about that spoiler it’s kind of hard to miss it since it’s everywhere skdhdkdhdk... god, that sounds so good thank you for sharing it. pining iwaizumi hajime >>>>>>>> the air i need to exist 🥺 
THE DAY IS SO SOON CLUNA, it’s literally here soooo soon holy shit i just can’t wait. i played for almost 6 hours today in a row like an idiot and now i never wanna see hilichurls again in my life but hey, one step closer to my baby. prepare yourself.. 😏
AWWW i had a feeling you’d be a tea person. but omg tea effects your sleep? how late is too late for you to drink it? what’s your favorite flavors? 👁 and i’m addicted to both shdkdhsks. i say addicted bc i literally have 6 cups of tea per day easily and like.. 1 or 2 coffee cups per day. it’s really bad but i can’t stop so.. 🙇🏽♀️
COLLEGE BOYFIES CLUNA. COLLEGE BOYFIES WITH DIP DYE HAIR. imagine them doing each other’s make up and nails before going to concerts together. imagine xiao in euphoria kind of make up. holy shit. here’s something for your overwhelmed heart jsdhjshska. xiaoven soulmates girl, no doubt about it. THE EDIT THE EDIT THE EDIT!!!! they just look so beautiful. we need scenes with them like Asap. the edit is based on a fic... notes down.
can’t wait to see your screenshots. super excited!!
xo, m.a. (i almost wrote my name down in a haste shshskdjdk... although you’ll find it out soon...)
hiya!! i slept alright~ ahaha
:o that’s smart! but no i don’t LOL whether i’m on my phone or my laptop i just continuously scroll up and down fhdskjfkhsdf i think that’s why i come close to missing some paragraphs some times oops. yay for the ~wonders of technology~
(AIGHT NICE AHAHHA fhsdkjfsh does that mean you’re a bit of a tomboy?) actually coincidentally i came across this thread: https://twitter.com/maxatsuomi/status/1350145589296685057 which gives you an idea lmao (also some things on there i wasn’t even aware of wtf) EXACTLY??? it’s even worse when non content creators try to come for content creators like?????????/ um you’re getting all this food for FREE and yet?????? lmfao the nerve of some people
i def will!! FKJSHFDSKJ yeah that do be their dynamic lolol. and thank you!! i too think i snapped on that one 😩😩 glad others agree ahahah
i actually haven’t really seen him in combat... and when we could trial him i was too busy trying to pass the quests to focus on how he fought fhdkfhsdkfjshf but i do think his abilities are cool!! he have wolf above head 🥺
YEAHHH BOYEEEEEEEEEEE god that reminds me of a scene from a drarry fic (What We Pretend We Can't See wink wonk)
oh damn!! hope they restock soon for your sake~ yissss ive watched a playthrough and omg lev.... my Son. i don’t think i can find the memes again but it was just about the bugs like how if you throw a grenade on the highway everyone will run out of their cars like a flashmob or something hfskfhsdjfkds. (LMAOOOOO) there’s actually a trailer with the other worlds! https://youtu.be/TAlKhARUcoY (it has spoilers tho supposedly lol. none we understand rn at least)
hdsfkhjs. omg you absolute legend!!!! but i also hope that you’re taking care of yourself and prioritising the important things too fhsfhdksdhf. but i am excited hehehehehe
AHHAAHKFHDSKJFSD pls... once i saw someone with an actual proper mullet on the bus and i was like “ew... keith would look like this irl?” FJSDHKFSAHKDASHDFSDJFKJFDSHFKJS. but what can i say i got influenced by all the kpop bois 😔 and hmmm idk? i think my dad didn’t care too much but ik my mum did/does fhsfskfsdfhkf so who knows lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. IT REALLY DOES GROW OUT LMAO LIKE. fhkshkfsdkj my cousin called me a rockstar when she saw it LOL so you’re prob right 🤪
yeah slow songs really just. aren’t LMAO ‘behind this mask of mine’ was based on a slow bts song and i put it in the playlist i had for it (bc obviously) but i wanted to skip it every time hfksjdhfskjdfhskfdkfhkslfhadksfjsdjhfkashkfjsdh. EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!! you are so correct. (hehehe i was gonna say that too that you don’t need to drive bc it’ll take you around 😏 LMAO)
fhkdsj thank!! legit pining iwa.......... more like pining ME mayhaps i just be self projecting 🤪🤪
lolol dw i can fight the hilichurls for you 😩 also who’s your fave enemy to fight! i used to like fighting the treasure hoarders most but the hilichurls are cute.. FHSKJDHFSDFKJSD plus i need their fucking masks my god why are their drop rates so shit hfsdhjfks
i’m not too sure actually? i’ve never been up early enough to test it but i like drinking tea like after dinner... which is the problem AHAHA. hmm well i like matcha a lot LOL but also chai? and then like black tea.... all the other ones too... i used to drink some fruity ones which were nice but we have a lot of the like basic chinese ones at home too and i enjoy those as well lol. wbu?? omg.... m.a........... dfhksdfkjhfkjshfksjd that’s a lot!!!!!!! do you even need to drink water then HKDSJFHKSDFHDKDSHFJKSDH
omg............. ive never seen euphoria LOL but ............. omg ...................... i cannot process thoughts rn.....
xoxo!! c.r. (you mean bc we’ll be playing co-op? you don’t have to if you’re uncomfy fhdskjf my genshin name was literally ‘aether’ up until yesterday FHDFHSDKFSDFJSHFKSDF)
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Who are your closest friends on here and what are their qualities?
Oh. Oh, okay, this is a nice question that I wasn’t expecting! See, the word friends may be a lil strong to use here, since I don’t really interact with much people and I need a deeper connection to actually consider someone a friend. But I’ll list here all the awesome people I talk to and would like to get to know better ❤
Okay first of all of course @yourplisetsky bc dammit, Eve’s the only one I actually speak to outside tumblr. We have each other on Instagram, WhatsApp and Facebook, and I made myself a Snapchat account just bc of her (tho I had to delete the app bc I needed the space :c). We basically talk on a daily basis, and even if our convos have been kinda scarce and pretty slow lately bc we’ve been busy, she’s still always present with me, during my day, bc I’m constantly reminded of her by small things in my daily life. She’s my writing support and I miss her when I can’t talk to her, and I can tell her abt my problems and send her pics of my day and we talk abt lots of stuff, and I love her very much and want to meet her irl someday. She ma dood, ma Huffie Sis, ma Whine Support. The leche to my arroz.
Then we have @stillherewhileimgone, who was apparently following me for a while before messaging me, and she’s so great?? We don’t talk that much, yeah, but she’s really nice to talk to and SHE’S STUDYING SPANISH WTF nobody does that so sometimes she says sth in Spanish and I get all happy bc she tries so hard and I know Spanish isn’t the easiest? So whenever she does it right I’m so proud. Also we like lizards together and that’s cool too.
My fellow argentinian, @madamredwrites, who has like the cutest name ever and is also super nice to talk to AND A GREAT WRITER GO CHECK HER OUT PLS. Now, I’m kinda shy when I first start talking to someone, so that usually means a couple of awkward convos before I relax around the New Person, but I think by the second or third time I talked to this wonderful being we had a really long, pleasant chat, and I don’t even remember what it was about, I just know I really enjoyed it and I felt really at ease omg. She really easy to talk to. Plus, she also supports my writing and I Appreciate that, and has great ideas and okay, she’s overall great. Bonus: we can talk to each other in Spanglish.
Then there’s @aftgonice who is like a lil ball of sunshine wrapped in the softest cotton. We’ve talked like twice but I’d like to get to know her better bc she’s Nice, plus she’s a Huffie like me and she’s Italian so there’s a chance we’re long lost cousins lol. Plus, we can make the Italian Gesture™ together cause we’re allowed.
Aaannd @rayraywrites who’s also That Person Who I’ve Talked To Maybe Twice But Is Already Great. People always say there are lots of us med students around here but I think they liars bc I had never met another med student?? Until RAY APPEARED. So now I can go full nerd on someone and chances are they’ll understand what I’m saying and that’s so awesome bc I’m such a closeted nerd?? So anyway we’re both nerds and writers and we bond over that and I hope we get to talk more.
Especial mention to @life-is-str4nge, my dear Nana, who I know irl. She’s the Eli to my Nozomi, we ship gays together and she likes my cats and helps me bleach and dye my hair and she’s beautiful and also huggable and I wish we could see each other more and have sleepovers and coffee dates with our other friends but we can’t meet bc we busy.
There’s other people I’d like to talk more to, and to get to know better, but for some reason or another we haven’t talked that much or our convos don’t really work, idk maybe they’re shy or awkward like me so that’s why lol (or maybe they’re not interested in knowing me which is cool too).
Anyway, that’s about it, Anon ❤ thank you so much for this super cute ask bc it’s lovely and also a great oportunity to show my appreciation for these people, which I like doing but I’m too shy and awkward to do without a proper excuse. Except for Eve bc I say I love her almost daily, but she ma special dood so it doesn’t count.
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Get to Know Me (Tag)
Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag some friends.
Thanks for tagging me, @steve-rogers-best-girl :)
LAST:
1. drink: water
2. phone call: my dad
3. text message: my dad
4. song you listened to: i think Holding On To You by twenty one pilots
5. time you cried: a couple hours ago
HAVE YOU:
6. dated someone twice: lol joke’s on you i haven’t even dated someone once ha. ha. ha. ugh.
7. kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t ever kissed someone at all lol what are these questions
8. been cheated on: in a competitive game of pokemon maybe but yall i havent dated what is happening
9. lost someone special: i mean i once had a toxic friend and i super duper got rid of her i guess but like thats it
10. been depressed: never been diagnosed but im pretty sure i’ve had depression since around third grade (but that’s a story for another time)
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: ew???? i’ve never even drank alcohol why am i answering these questions ew
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. white
13. various blues and teals
14. golden yellow
IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:
15. made new friends: yep!
16. fallen out of love: platonically with a toxic-as-heck friend yeah
17. laughed until you cried: absolutely!
18. found out someone was talking about you: yep
19. uhh ya skipped 19 so idk what to put here lol
20. found out who your friends are: yeah
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: sErIoUsLy? *face palm*
GENERAL:
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? i dont have a facebook
23. do you have any pets? yep, a doggo!
24. do you want to change your name? y e s p l e a s e ! ! ! ! !
25. what did you do for your last birthday? had some of muh frens over
26. what time do you wake up? for school at like 5:30, but over the summer i’ve been waking up around 9ish
27. what were you doing at midnight last night? crying
28. name something you can’t wait for: a month ago i would have said Pokemon Go Fest but nope i got my hopes up for that like usual and of course i cant go uh i cant wait to get a desk finally i dont have a desk *shrug*
29. when was the last time you saw your mom? *shouts down the hall* “hi mom!”
30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life? i’d like a whole new wardrobe that magically made me look thinner and happier all the time and that allowed strangers to see me for me and not me for some slouch who wears sweatpants all the time bc i dont have any other clothes that dont cripple me with dysphoria lmao woot woot
31. what are you listening to right now? primarily Regional at Best by twenty one pilots bc its calming for me
32. have you ever talked to a person named tom? actually??? im not sure...?? i’ve definitely talked to a few thomas-es but none of them go by tom *shrug*
33. something that is getting on your nerves: when my mom says we can’t afford to buy me a desk but then she goes out and buys other decor for the house
34. most visited website: probably youtube, netflix, instagram, and tumblr if you include the use of apps
35. any moles? nope
36. any birthmarks? none of which i’m aware
37. childhood dream: not sure. i always wanted to be a superhero like spider-man and whatnot i guess.
38. hair color? brown
39. hair length? short
40. do you have a crush? do fictional characters count? if so, yes -- peter parker, ben wyatt, and chandler bing
41. what do you like about yourself? i’m nice.
42. any piercings? just the basic earlobe piercings, but i never wear anything in them. i’m surprised theyre still open.
43. blood type? crap i need to ask my mom about this. it’s good to know for safety reasons.
44. any nicknames? anything you know me as on here is technically a nickname because i go by my birthname everywhere else... sooo, yeah. chandler is a nickname. i also get addressed as ‘???’ and as ‘Q,’ which is just short for “question marks” bc idk what my name should be but yep i go by chandler for now i guess *shrug*
45. relationship status: jealous
46. zodiac: aries
47. pronouns: they/them are preferable but i never correct people if they use anything else bc i’m just so accustomed to my own confusion
48. favorite tv show: agh i guess Parks and Rec is my number-one, but i also love Friends, The Good Place, Agents of SHIELD, Daredevil, and Legion (which cRaP i need to finish watching)
49. uh yeah i think you skipped this one too
50. righty or lefty? righty
51. any surgeries? nope
52. ever dye your hair? I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
53. favorite sport? to play? basketball. to watch? football. although if my family was more into hockey i bet i’d love that.
54. hgfdskgfskjfhskjf you skipped this one too
55. dream vacation? honestly, i don’t care where we go as long as it’s somewhere out of the country and i get to travel with my friends in an evan edinger sorta way, you know?
56. favorite pair of sneakers? i mean?? i only have the one... it’s a nike hyperdunk i think? like, an older one? idk theyre comfy
57. eating: nothing right now...
58. drinking: i mean i have water next to me so like i guess water is my answer
59. about to: hurry the heck up and finish answering these questions lmao
60. you skipped it
61. ........
62. want: to travel and to be happy
63. ever going to get married? if i do, it won’t be a huge ceremony. it won’t be religious. and it will have to be to somebody very, very special to me.
64. career: i’m a student right now
65. hugs or kisses? if i have to choose, hugs, but please don’t hug me without asking and dont be offended if i say no. i’m really uncomfortable about physical contact.
66. lips or eyes? eyes 1000000%
67. tall or short? i’m short.
68. older or younger? what’s this question...? im confused and don’t know how to answer it tbh
69. there’s no question here
70. nice arms or nice stomach? me? neither lol im Ugly
71. sensitive or loud? if you’re close with me, you’re the lucky people who know i’m both
72. hook up or relationship? EW DEFINITELY RELATIONSHIP IM SO ASEXUAL
73. troublemaker or hesitant? this makes it sound like it’s bad to not be a troublemaker. i’m not a troublemaker but its not because im hesitant. it’s because im a good person. and i dont mean to imply that troublemakers arent good people, but im not either of those things...???
HAVE YOU EVER:
74. kissed a stranger? i h a v e n e v e r k i s s e d a n y o n e .
75. drank hard liquor? i a m u n d e r a g e .
76. lost glasses or contact lenses? no, but i’ve broken my glasses before
77. turned someone down? unless you include that time that i was asked out as a dare, no.
78. had sex on the first date? i h a v e n e v e r b e e n o n a d a t e a n d i a m a s e x u a l .
79. broken someone’s heart? not that i’m aware of
80. had your heart broken? yeah, by that Toxic Person who i mention all the time. it wasnt a romantic thing but i hate that person with a burning passion i cannot even bEGIN to tell you
81. been arrested? no definitely not
82. cried when someone died? in real life? . . . no. no one close to me has died. but i have cried at fictional deaths
83. fallen for a friend? kind of but not really idk its complicated and not worth it
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
84. yourself? on good days
85. miracles? not unless by “mircales” you mean “coincidences”
86. love at first sight? not for myself, but maybe for someone who is more into looks. and i dont mean that negatively but like thats just not really my kinds thing necessarily.
87. santa claus? well considering i was raised jewish but am currently atheist imma have to say no
88. kissing on the first date? i’ve never been able to experience what kissing or dating is like but if it feels right for someone then i have nothing against it
OTHER:
90. current best friend names: katie, claire, lizzie (i tag posts with their names when stuff reminds me of them hehe)
91. eye color? brown
92. favorite movie? i loved that new Spider-Man: Homecoming film, but Guardians of the Galaxy has always been one of my go-to movies, so probably GOTG
i tag anyone who wants to do this bc frankly im lazy and dont feel like tagging anyone heh lol
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[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend
i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)
ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.
then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.
anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.
its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.
sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!
so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.
neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!
anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad
like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!
anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.
Hey there!
There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.
You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.
At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.
I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.
As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.
This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.
You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.
I hope this helps!
♥ - Fawn
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