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shkspr · 3 years

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hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

#sorry if this is repetitive or makes no sense or if i got some details of the show wrong #i simply couldnt be bothered to put too much effort into this post #lest it become a research paper and take me several weeks to answer #anyway thats all my opinions #dw #ok to rb

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liquidstar · 2 years

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Tell me about your ocs!! What's their names and ages? Do they have a story? What's theur relationship to one another?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING ANON sorry im answering late but i was busy all morning! but i appreciate it so 🥺 ty

i have a buuunch of different ocs and two totally different main ocverses/stories so i think it might be hard to answer all at once though 😅 but actually i do wanna answer with the main group of my newer ocverse bc i dont think i ever really posted abt exactly what all their dynamics are with each other!

just for context and to answer the first question, their story mainly takes place within a guild where they take on missions and eventually they sort of stumble ass backwards into a plot. the main five characters are polaris, saiph, bella, al, and mira! id talk more about them but ive posted abt them before so i dont wanna overexplain ;; i can link their more in depth personal posts if you want though!

but like, as for their relationships which i really do wanna get into, i typed a looot so im going to put it under the cut hehe:

polaris and saiph are besties but polaris wont admit it because shes trying way too hard to appear as more of a loner than she really wants to be. but saiph is like, completely adamant on being besties anyway so it somehow evens out, the fact that he doesnt leave is sort of what reassures her that they are friends after all. typical fire and ice dynamic, theres a balance between them.

polaris and bella are like. both very similar to each other with their tendencies to isolate and repress themselves but in different ways, which makes them sort of resent each other at first, but then at the same time theyre also both able to understand each other and actually help each other and be friends. or maybe...

polaris and al sort of have a relaxed friendship where there isnt as much pressure, al is sort of the reassuring cool factor that's needed for polaris to stay comfortable in the chaos of their group. al also considers her to be a good person to talk to, but since polaris doesnt understand social dynamics as well she had a hard time determining where the line between meddling and helping is. and maybe al feels a bit weird seeing saiph and polaris be besties and realizing that hes not content with having that same dynamic with saiph too... ill get into their whole mess later tho

polaris and mira generally get along very well, but contrary to al, mira's personality can be a bit overwhelming for polaris, its basically an extreme extrovert and an extreme introvert, but that kind of relationship is also one thats important to polaris coming out of her shell. probably because mira is hard to say no to (because half the time shed drag you along anyway).

saiph and bella also have opposite energies in a sense, saiph cant control his emotions while bella represses her emotions, hes always at a 10 when shes always at a 3. bella might find him annoying in a lighthearted sort of way, but she also finds a bit of a vicarious catharsis in his demeanor so she likes hanging out with him. and saiph sort of just looks up to her as their de facto team leader.

saiph and al are. the messiest bitches on planet earth. they both like each other but theyre both so fundamentally insecure in very similar but also different ways that theyre unable to actually, like, even conceptualize of the feelings being mutual. and despite their own feelings for each other their own issues clash a lot with each other- al wants to become strong enough so that he can protect people so they never have to protect him, the concept of people getting hurt on his behalf is terrifying to him. but saiph is incredibly reckless and self-sacrificial (in a way that borders on suicidal) and feels patronized and insulted if anyone tries to take on any of these burdens in his stead. so they clash heads a lot in this regard ESPECIALLY because its the person theyre respectively in love with.

anyway saiph and mira are siblings. though theyre not technically related they are siblings and theyd probably be offended if you ever questioned that fact. they grew up in the guild together, and since theyre close in age they really clung to each other. despite only being a little over a year older saiph still took on the classic protective older brother role, while mira is the cutsie and playfully annoying sister, and shed even play it up for his sake at times.

al and bella are sort of frenemies, in a lighthearted way though. neither of them really take it very far since theyre fairly levelheaded (most of the time), but they still bud heads because they both always feel the need to be in control of any given situation. bella is the team leader so naturally shes in charge, which can make al uneasy and sort of bicker with her, which in turn makes her frustrated at his incorporation. even outside of missions they keep their banter going, usually its light but that doesnt mean they never argue for real either. theyre still friends, but maybe they should voice that a bit more often too.

al and mira generally get along super well but he cannot keep up with her energy, but unlike polaris he like, fully encourages her chaos. she sort of sees him as a good person to just ramble to for hours on end because he’ll just sit and listen. he has no clue what shes talking about half the time but thats okay because he likes her spirit! and she helps balance out his somewhat more cynical characteristics a bit.

bella and mira are besties. their personalities seem sort of opposite on the outside, but on the inside theyre both pretty similar! bella's more edgy demeanor is a facade after all, in her heart of hearts she really is soft, she likes cutsie and sweet things, and despite not showing it she really does like being shown affection. she has a lot in common with mira, so shes sort of able to be herself a bit more around her, she doesnt feel threatened and can put some walls down. they shop at hot topic and claires together.

#finn's ocs

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menalez · 3 years

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I'm dying. this is the first time I've ever been incapable of describing something. I've never felt anything like this before. I haven't done anything, im not killing myself, but I'm dying. I genuinely believe I will be dead before next week. I'm terrified of sleep because I think I won't wake up. I've never felt this before. I'm dying soon. I'm going to try one last time to ask for help, but if no one helps me soon I'm going to die in the next few days. I can feel it. this is so scary and dark. I'm.. you don't know me but I've never ever ever been unable to describe even the most bizarre indescribable thing before. there's literally not a single thing similar to the feeling of dying. I can think of nothing at all that is like this. I'm going to ask for help next time I see a human being bc I feel ill be alive tomorrow but after that I genuinely don't know. I'm actually dying. I'm sorry, I know this is dark. but I will update you if someone helps me and I survive this. I promise. I'll start it with "dying anon" so you'll know its me. I dont have a lot of people who care about me, but even just one person, even just my brother, I will try everything I can to live for him. I love nothing else, want nothing else. I just want to live for him. he still needs me. I'm dying but I think I can make it if the people I see tomorrow will help me, even if I only see strangers. I have to get help immediately. I'm sorry. I dont even know why I'm apologizing. I'm sorry. you don't have to post this I just.. I dont even know. I'm getting help tomorrow. even if I don't sleep tonight. I dont think I can sleep tonight, I swear I'll die if I do. I'm sorry

good luck anon, i hope things go well, try to manage ur stress levels bc stress can worsen such things. let me know how it goes <3

#Anonymous

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mikkock · 4 years

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Uhm??????? Unacceptable?? Please tell me more about your OCs in that last art? I demand it? I want a full report on my desk before morning? Cite your sources please?

Oh no,, you’re asking,,, about my own faves,,, sorry to everyone, but I guess im never going to shut up ever now. (i already don’t shut up ever, what have u done, im now going to speak so much that society will collapse AT LEAST)

But for real. I enjoy pretending I don’t have faves, I love all my kids the same, buT WE ALL KNO THAT’S A LIE, those two my fave bitches (they snatched that title from the last two faves, rip to them, and they also snatched, n I must really make that clear, the title of “the bitches with the most AUs from the previous previous faves. Their power.)

SO. Get ready for a ride, table of content: them, their respective character, their story, and the pLETHORA OF ALTERNATE STORIES I GAVE THEM because i must yell about all the versions of my kids i have (non-exhaustive cause its that serious bro, but ill take extra time for the universe depicted in that art just for u bby). (tbh if clamp is allowed to sprinkle their fave gays in all their universes so am i, except they aint secondary characters there, every story is just theirs. love that concept.)(itll be so long you’re getting a whole novel even if i have to post it in two posts)

So~ Em twos. Dari n Wei-wei as I call em, or Dumbass n Egg if you wanna get friendly.

They’re my proudest instance of “oops i made a squad of characters, and two of them just accidentally were so perfectly compatible and complementary oh no I guess they’re in love now.” And then they became my favourite. Cause I guess their potential was too much (jk its bc they hot)

cuties.

I spent ten minutes wondering which to introduce first cause dang son, I want to talk bout them both so much shefjgfdg

First, as I technically designed him first (like ten minutes before the other), my man weiwei. if u ever saw my art its impossible that you havent seen him at least once. cause i’m legit always drawing him. cause im in love bro.

Demonstration : here are my computer scribbled weiweis of 2020 so far (with a few daris there n there they’re a package deal), that i could find, and they do not include all the paper sketches that i’m too lazy to take pics of. (i just been drawing him with so much hair these days that’s illegal, his brand is baldness)

But anyway, he’s CHEN Chia-Wei, he’s 21, he’s Taiwanese n I love him. Two very important facets of his character when you meet him: he doesn’t talk, and is absolutely, in every single dimension, built to make you fall head over heels for him.

He’s (in the “canon” storyline if i may call it that since it’s def not my most developed one but oh well) an art student, mostly paints but is also great at photography and videography (his vibe is busy hectic pieces with strong bold colours, lots of harsh edges, and very people focused).

Aside from that, he’s also super into fashion, and because he’s part of the rich boy squad (the “im broke so im giving half my characters wealth in compensation) he Can and Does exhibit some quite funky fits when he feels like it. (maybe a reason I draw him a lot, since my fave thing is pretty boys in weird ass clothes)(and then i also draw him in just casual shit cuz tittiful men in plain white tees you know. there’s just something about it.)

Small compilation of outfits. ft me and my band handwriting roasting outfits that id also kill to own but ok u know.

He digs music. (i make playlists for my OCs and i gotta say, his is the best one, i spent so many hours researching it, “arranging” it etc n its still a work in progress but dude. she got many moods my fave part is when it suddenly turns into so many cheesy ballads also she’s enormous cause im as wordy in playlists as I am in writing.) listens to a lot, n also he can play piano n guitar. cause you know. heartthrobs got to win your heart with a song (and if he’s alone he can even mumble some songs, who knows maybe even sing em softly, definitly a sight to stumble on accidentally). Big main artists that have his vibes are Hello Nico, No Party for Cao Dong, n Circa Waves’s “what’s it like over there” album.

He does a lot of sports. He ain’t fit through magic, rip to him. He’s got a serious routine, and it’s a time he likes to use alone, cause nothing like running at the break of dawn, alone with your thoughts, which you can just easily forget through the exhaustion of a workout session afterwards.

he also eats. A lot. Food is just good, bro. (the canon story is def happening some place europe aka his biggest struggle is how expensive food is here. outrageous.)

He secretly loves super cheesy movies. the dramatic romcoms??? the cute shows that are just so cute and worriless?? anything involving soulmates??? yeh dude. he watches it, he reads it, he listens to it, and he may cry about it, but no one will know. That’s the one true guilty pleasure. (and he definitly has a collection of romance dvds, books n manhuas in his old room back at the family home. where no one can see it. perks of studying abroad. no one can see ur hoarding of material that clashes your image. “yes i watch edgy experimental things haha yes i love those smart people movies of course wow the philosophy…” and then immediatly goes to watch the trashiest predictable but oh so sweet dramas all night)

While he doesn’t speak (as in with the mouth) he can communicate in a bunch of language, due to having moved around quite a bit. On top of his native mandarin and hokkien, he’s fluent in English, so he can use those to write, and is also fluent in TSL, and pretty good in HKSL (and from that, other close-in-syntax sign languages). So he doesn’t have trouble getting around, but then he is also overall quiet in public (with close friends and over text though, that’s another story, that’s where he gets chattier, and also where you may get more of his true personality). Also, he can speak with his sister. That’s pretty cool bro.

I was going to say he’s a very “hides his true colours under a shell” type of character but you know, for an egg character, that’s pretty ironic. We love poetic cinema.

He presents himself as a very laid back, chill detached dude, going with the flow and all that great stuff, and masterfully mixes just the right doses of mysterious, flirty and calm to just go around vibing. But ain’t that jUST THE MILLENIAL’S ILLNESS, those dANG KIDS, going around, gettin relationships but never intimacy 👏😢 (there’s more to it dont leave)

First of all, before you see the Drama, the Turmoil, the first thing you notice when you really do befriend him is that he’s c h i l d i s h, he gets sulky when things dont go following the plan, he gets whiny n jealous for not getting attention , he gets competitive over stupid challenges, and way too playful if you start teasing, and when he gets flustered too…you think you get cool stoic dude but actually you get a dude who’s reacting to things with way too much intensity, and boi i thought u were gon be mature what’s that why have you been pouting for three days over losing a bet come on- That’s mostly coming up when he interacts with his sister, but the closest you are to him to more of it you get to see.

He’s also an affectionate dude actually. Like physically. As in you’ll get spontaneous hugs. He’s come nap on your shoulder. That’s a perk of befriending him if you ask me.

Also he tries to look so cool, so tough haha. He’s actually a lil sensitiv boi. he gets fluffy, he gets flustered, he heart eyes. you turn around and he’s gazing at ya as if you were the whole universe. he gets a mini crisis for holding hands with his crush. ya know. he’s secretly a softie.

nerd.

Then in the “what he doesn’t show” (my fave part), where you stock all the anxieties, all the trauma… Obviously there’s a lot of anxiety here (selective muteness being a symptom of it, he hides the other ones very well) mostly fear of inadequacy, of abandonement and of loneliness. mmmmmmmaybe that’s why he was v reticent to continue pursuing that one guy he was into when he realised he was just a tad too into him oh no is that some,, like?? some lovey-love?? cant have that im afraid of gettin heartbroken bro. Aint that sad for a someone who’s one true goal is just findin someone to love and to be with forever, the struggles of yearnin for a soulmate when there’s nothing you fear more than getting attached to a person and letting them see you and your flaws.., delicious.

Now tho (because its so alone speaking about a character on their own and i just wanna get to the part where i can speak bout em together and how they bring out bits of each others ya kno, the good kush….), Dari…

He’s pretty, i must say, and got the funniest hair to draw, and comes from the most opposite background to weiwei’s.

Darian Andriev PARVANOV, also 21, comes from the remote Bulgarian countryside, but i still love him (this makes it sound as if i wouldnt normally love someone from the bulgarian countryside. its not what i meant. by default ud remind me of my son so you’d start being liked if u came from the bulgarian countryside) Now for the first instance of “wow, the complementarity”. The first thing i thought making Dari was that he looked too cool, and that he obviously was a dumbass, and mostly that he was physically unable to shut up. (o fuck he’s me)

best picture i could find of him. He’s got the dilemma of “wow he looked so pretty n cool until he opened his mouth”

He’s ALSO an art student (cause they were initially created for the purpose of filling the gap of “i have ocs in every field except the one i sorta know that’s so stupid”), painting major (def vibes differently than weiwei though, he’s doing those soft pretty landscapes n flowers, everything real pretty and peaceful, we got some impressionism nerd in here folks).

He was/is a real country boy, farm family, he helped tend the fields, he worked in plantations for pocket money, he knows how to take care of cattle and chicken and goats and all the cool babies you can take care of, he can tell whether the soil is good or not, he can drive a tractor, and doesnt fear dirt.

but then also he’s kind of a neat freak, he hates getting paint on himself, so the duality of man, dirt ok but paint? disgostin. his spaces are real neat and spotless, he likes cleaning (its relaxing) and does it nearly too often.

his dumbassery comes from lack of common sense and impulsiveness, aside from that he’s actually what you’d call “mad smart”, dude had em good grades, he can memorise pages upon pages of the most trivial information, he has an accumulation of knowledge beyond limits, and is good at problem solving. so he can recite all the words of the F letter of the dictionnary, but would also put a curling iron in his mouth to see if it would curl his tongue. (side note, he does have a problem with heat n fire, most his “oopsie how i wound up hurting myself on acccident” story involve burning -that stove was just too tempting…)

while he doesnt feel very attached to his home country, he does feel strongly for his family. he’d do anything for his mum (and actually does everything to make her proud already, that’s his one main goal), and he’s ready to sacrifice a lot for her (as in, spend years working non-stop a really uncomfortable job so his mother wouldnt have to pay a cent of his expenses even though she said she could by doing some sacrifices herself,and then being ready to come back as soon as needed if anything happened, and potentially drop his career and dream n go back to the farm life to provide for mama)(also he still does hold onto some parts of his home country’s traditions, and does sometimes feel homesick but more in a ‘i left the most beautiful landscapes n the city feels cramped and claustrophobic and i dont know people and i dont feel in the right place cuz im a forreigner with a thicc accent who doesnt master the language of this place and straight up have different body language communicators due to cultural difference oh lord i wanna be home where a nod means no and a head shake is yes i keep misunderstanding everything”)

if you want background noise he’s the perfect pal to call over, he’s just so chatty, he got hours and hours of non stop speech ready for you. you can shut him up once you’re done listening with the offering of food. works everytime.

he’s definitly not shy. neither in terms of talking to people, nor when it comes to making decisions. he’s quite bold, and rarely hesitates to go towards something he wants. he’s direct in his approach to most everything.

he likes partying. mostly the socialising part, talkin to people is just fun ya feel. and being in the crowd, doing whatever, pressure free? ya can dance n enjoy yourself, and people wont notice? yeah that’s nice. but doesnt do it super often cause broke bitches aint got the party time n budget.

he likes arm. (just an excuse for me to drop this thing here cuz i like it)

While he’s an overall bubbly looking character, with a cheery loud personnality, he does carry some youth trauma that has him more reticent to engage in happiness, he comes from what you could call “not the wokest background” and he may have fallen victim of it : he’s kind of a flashy noticeable character, both physically and in his personnality, and doesnt exactly matches the expectations of dudes in the area he comes from (delicate, emotional and sweet guy? that doesnt exist bro). He went through it, and it has definitly had some impact on his confidence in many aspects. But he’s 100% the type of guy to put on the fake happy front because if feeling bad is sad, making the people you care about sad for you too is Unacceptable Right??? relying on friends?? what???

But then what are we supposed to be doing with such charming characters huh,,,

Make them fall in love obviously.

Their story obviously has to do with falling in love and workin a relationship cause if I dont write romance i literally die, but I make the center pivot of all of it communication, and barriers in communications. Most obvious being them coming from wildly different cultures, having different native languages, and also the ways you adapt to muteness (what i love most bout that part is even then they fucked up given the easiest quickest small body language things to communicate are head nods n then i managed to make one come from the one country that reverses those like iconic how do they even understand each other -through a lot of work and love bro) but also on more “introspective” points, how to say things that you are even afraid to think about, how to open up and share your burdens and trauma with someone, how to say words you’ve been convinced you weren’t allowed to, the inner turmoil of communication in short. And then also communication through art, and through alternative unusual ways. If i were snobbish i could call it something like “a thinkpieces on how humans overcome obstacles in communication, and adapt, all for the sake of pursuing love” but fact is its mostly boys being in love n learning how to speak, figuratively and also quite literally. And also its me having fun with making characters evolve from each other, be able to influence each other for the better, helping each other be more comfortable with themselves and express the true things of their personnality, and discover new aspects. I just wanna write intense and soulful love bro.

So in less concept and more facts, weiwei meets dari, dari being his puppy self just immediatly strikes a conversation and weiwei gets interested cause “oho nice pretty boy? very good. i want some of that”. they get closer because you cant fight off the Power of friendship (and also the power of “what your friend is bestie with my friend?? guess we hanging out”) and then friendship and interest turns into pining, held back by respective dread of what romance with the other would mean (as in “romance?? cant have that we cant feel” and “with him?? cant do that, convince yourself he’s just a friend immediatly what would the family think”) but eventually they do have to just crash into one another cause that’s just the gravitational pull bro, its physics bro. and from then on its all unlearning destructive behaviours, bettering oneself with the help of the other, and getting over trauma to finally live ur best life. and gettin fckin married bro they’re both cheeseballs theyll wanna wed

BUT MAKING EM FALL IN LOVE ONCE ISNT ENOUGH time to make 3894853 alternate universes about em.

Lets speak bout my fave of those for a hot second.

First of all, the one of the art that brought this ask, guess i could call it “Pretty Tribes” AU, bunch of tribes live and do their things, having nature and energy powers. Dari n Weiwei’s tribes are bros, the latter’s powers needing them to move around to get energy from different places, enabling them different abilities. So basically they get to hang at the other’s place while the regenerate energy from there, and in exchange they help them out with various tasks (dari’s tribe is a rly farmer oriented one, with plant magic, while weiwei’s got more poyvalent powers, and have very good healers notably, so it comes in handy). The two boys were born a few months apart in their respective tribes, so naturally, anything the two clans meet, they’re put together to play and all, and from that they became besties, and each time they meet, after the gaps of time separating the two groups, they feel more and more of a little something else~ story is themed round growing up, friendship between clans, their traditions and cultures, and pretty boys in pretty clothes in pretty landscapes interacting with nature.

The superpower AU, i fuckin love it bro. Its an old one, made for other characters, but i just love it so much that i had to inject my faves in it. Its got a grimy ugly setting, bad government, propaganda, and fights between super-people (heavily mediatised for entertainment and reinforcing the idea that “look at these evil villains thank god us the good government protects you from them”), with a side of bad ethics in science. In all that, those two have the role of “those two young enemy warrior and villain, they were so powerful and fought so hard”, public figures, legendary and admired by both sides, everyone followed their fights, til one day they presumably died in one of their showdowns. (haha sike they actually found themselves talking for 5 seconds and realised they lived in a society, n built a plan to run away). The main characters get to find they’re alive because one of em had history with super-warrior-golden-boy and go to seek their help to overthrow the Big Bads. (stealing them from their nice gay cottage hermit life smh so rude)

Mermaids. I like those. Sailor weiwei sees merman dari, they both save each other in different occasions, they grow fascinated with each other, they’re at sea, water romance. Amazing. AU made half cuz i just like water n fish. and shirtless sailors.

(i couldnt find art of it in five minutes so have a link to that lil animatic piece i made of it once)

Indie band AU, where i was listening to songs that vibe so well with those two in general n then my brain was like “what if they’re the ones playing”. They’re (along with the rest of the art squad) a nice little alternative rock band, doing their thing, then one of their songs blows up, and they get quite the attention, to the dismay of dari who wrote that song in a moment of “oh no im so in love with my bandmate but i cant tell him what if i ruin everything we have going on ill just have to love from afar and deal with that” and now has way too many people interested in who he wrote it about and theorising from his every move when performing it (a mix of music, secret crushes and social media) (ft a picture of neither of them but its the least ugly art i found of this AU cuz its old and instruments are the bane of my existence)(also kelana is so pretty i gotta flaunt her around)

in kind of the same vibe, as in we’re in a music world overexposed to social media, i also integrated em to an AU i did for fun, “boyband AU” as its called aka idol based band system cuz you kno, i got a hobby, lets apply it. Band boy Dari and bodyguard Weiwei got a thing going on, but can’t really act on it in any way, because they’d just destroy the whole band if it ever came public. Featuring annoying bandmates, catchy pop songs and people making fanaccounts of that one hot Mr.Bodyguard cause dang he hot.

(all the art of this one so ugly im sorry)

SPY AU, one of my fave brand. They spies, they get assigned on the same mission, they work real nice with each other. spies hot. fights. strategy. i just like the concept. Gays taking down the worst traffics imaginable??? I love that song.(i actually have so much on this cause s p i e s are fuckin great)

Fashion. U kNOW i have an AU for fashion. Supermodel and his private stylist, trying to maintain the line of professionalism. And failing to do so. Lets make out in unpractical designer clothes.

Have an highschool AU for a bunch of characters, injected them as “spinoff”, start chatting online being art buddies, fall in love without meeting (ft. all the iconics of internet friendship like knowing tiny details of their personnalities but not the fact that they have a sister or “waIT ur a GUY i thought u were a girl wow wild good news for my gay ass”)

n those are my faves as far as i remember, i got a fuckton of small other ones that arent fleshed out enough, or some that are more of a guilty pleasure universe, and some that are more like “projects that i can expend on as soon as i run out of daydream material” (like u kno those hospital drama shows with super innacurate medicine n shit like idk scrubs or whatever, yeh i want some of that but im keeping it for later)

#thats way less talk than i thought id do #prolly bc i wrote half of it when it was between midnight and one AM #wait no it was 2 am #but ye #sry if shit messy af #those two are my faves tho n talkin bout em on the spot is hard cuz my brain is screaming about everything bout em at once #if u wanna get more info on em do ask i love them so much n i feel i didnt do em justice here cuz speaking is a fraud words dont exist #im glad they caught ur interest tho #nothin more gratifyin than not being the only bitch who likes his own children

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transrightsjimin · 5 years

Text

went out for dinner w my parents and it was surprisingly fun! they treated me bc i graduated andv moved out. they also gave me a powerbank, a rly heavy one w 0 information on what the capacity means or what devices u can plug it into but it works for my phone and i think its very sturdy so im happy! i have another powerbank (plus some fragile, broken ones from work) but this one looks like it can charge many more times so it can be nice for travelling. the food at the vegetarian restaurant was also delicious. i think they had only 2 or 3 main courses but all the mediterranean mezze my mom nd i had was delicious like i liked almost everything in it and we talked abt my moving out and work and Pride and commercialism and abt cops and some more politics and they clearly disagree on several things w me but they didnt start any discussions so it was fairly comfortable to talk. man ive felt so alienated lately bc i have just been working on school school school and then nothing nothing nothing and then work work work nd just NO irl social contact w friends (who are either busy, tired, or not interested) that it felt so strange to talk for hours w ppl and w ppl who arent my therapist, my autism supervisors, colleagues or my friend / housemate. i mean theyre still my parents so its still not like seeing good friends but i see them so few it made me a bit sad before. my moms chronic intestine illness is still acting up so fucking bad like there should be a certain thing in her (sorry tmi) feces that is at highest 120-150 for ppl w her illness but the level for her is TWELVE HUNDRED and it made her nd i so concerned and i hope she gets it checked bc like she said, she might have something else on top of her illness which she doesnt know abt. im just so worried for her and i wish i could help but i cant. she has so many illnesses and physical pains and disabilities nd takes so much medication that it's just incredible she's still alive w her condition and the worst thing is that i worry the most abt how ME and MY DAD will be mentally when she's gone (or when my dad dies from a third TIA for that matter) and i also worry abt me or my brother getting her illness, which runs in both sides of the family and just knowing theres a big chance ill get this illness that keeps me tied to the toilet and humiliated and in the worst pains and unable to work nd thus live on a shitty amount of welfare makes me so scared. anyway i made this a sad post but seeing my parents again rly was nice. its nice to think again abt conversations nd for once i dont feel like oh i shouldve said this or that bc we talked long enough to have multiple opportunities to say smth. maybe i was also rly glad to have social interaction bc my friend is on vacation. i hope ill do okah for the rest of the week w so much work and only one day where i meet my autism person.

#rambles #life updates etc #family stuff

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lesbiansandstorm · 6 years

Text

am struggling a bit lmao, a vent. pls like if u read it all, if you can. long post.

mentions of parents, homophobia, abuse, suicide, self harm. brief, not graphic.

so like. i wanna move out and get away from my toxic mother. shes homophobic, to the point where i’d probably be disowned anyway if i came out.

i dont know how long i can stay closeted for, it. hurts. so much. not only that, she restricts me a lot - won’t let me buy or wear certain clothes, for example. (if i had my way, i’d shop in the mens section for most things.)

i’m not just hiding being gay, i’m also hiding all my mental shit. i am 100%!!! sure i have adhd. also have struggled with eating issues/s.h./s*icide attempts and so on. mother thinks mental illnesses are fake, wouldnt let me see anyone and would likely shame me for even bringing it up.

seeming i’m 18, i should be able to go and get myself diagnosed and maybe medicated, specifically for the adhd, preferably.

some issues with this: paying for the appointment, paying for medication. we have public/private healthcare (hell yeah australia), but the physical cards are required - my mother keeps them in her wallet, theres no way i can borrow them without her knowing. i cant make up an excuse for another reason to see a doctor.

i have the card numbers, but i worry that she’ll get a bill/receipt saying when the cards were used. dont wanna take the risk.

i dont have my drivers license (i have a learner license - law in my state: can get learners license at 16, must log 100 hours of supervised driving and have license for a year)

i didnt start driving as soon as i was 16 (may ‘16), got learners lic in september ‘16... mother wouldnt let me drive until we could afford lessons as she didnt want to teach me her bad habits

so i didnt actually start driving til april 2017... its nearly 2019 and ive done.... 60-70 of my required hours but that isnt enough, i cant park or anything and dont have the opportunity to drive often as we now have one less car.

its taking me a really long time and im struggling because... i assume, adhd!

head shit = no license, no license = no job... whys that? well.

i live in a rural area, about 40 mins from the city centre. theres no public transport in my suburb, i have to go to the next suburb along (9km, too far to walk) to the nearest bus stop.

parents would be unable to drive me to the bus stop for me to get to work as they both work 5 days.

so i have very little money, hard for me to move out. since i still live at home im not eligible for any government benefits.

i was thinking i could move into accomodation at my university campus but its so expensive

no family i can move in with and no friends can take me in. i’m in a really tough spot.

not only that, my dad might be moving away (i get along better with him, most of the time.) he wants to move to another state to be closer with his parents/nieces, thats fine, im 18 now and he doesnt owe me anything

he’s happy to help support me money wise, but he wouldnt go against my mother and help me move out unfortunately. think he knows im gay and would be okay with it... cant tell him about the mental shit bc as i said he probably wouldnt be able to hide it from my mother. theyre not really ‘together’ anymore but we all live in the same house for now, they get along fine but are more friends than anything else. i assume when he moves he will want to remain friends.

shes mad at him for wanting to move, she wants to stay here. she now guilts me, saying we’ll have to sell this house, and she wont take any money from him (he’s happy to help us w mortgage etc if he gets a good job)

my plan was to gtfo as soon as possible but it looks like if he moves away i’ll be stuck with her for at least... 2 years or so? she accepts that i’ll have to leave eventually but says she’ll need my help once he leaves

sorry to vent abt my personal shit im just really stuck and sad about it.

#sandstorm.txt #like if u read pls #(if u can)

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conflictedrabbit · 7 years

Text

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there.

___:

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___:

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff:

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff:

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?}

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___:

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff:

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___:

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___:

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___:

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff:

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___:

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___:

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff:

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff:

Wow i want to die!

___:

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___:

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___:

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff:

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___:

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff:

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___:

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff:

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___:

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff:

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff:

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___:

M. E

66ccff:

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___:

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff:

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:. They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me:

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___:

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff:

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___:

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff:

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___:

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff:

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___:

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___:

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff:

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff:

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff:

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___:

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___:

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff:

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___:

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff:

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___:

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___:

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___:

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___:

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff:

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff:

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___:

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff:

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff:

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___: it's really weird

66ccff:

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___:

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff: o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff: i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff: :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff: oh yeah

....

66ccff:

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff: ___ we are so fucked ___:

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

#1-#2-#3-#4-#5-#a bloo bloo bloob #avpd #ok done editing tumblr posted it b4 i was ready but yea

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bitternanami · 7 years

Note

I've noticed that in ur sdr2 posts u tag komaeda/nanami as "the most underrated leg of the ot3" and I'm curious as to what you think abt them bc I never actually considered that?

whoa anon youre hitting like. 2013 era discussion but ill do my best to remember the thought process:

ok the only line of thought im reaching atm is, ‘oh god what was i thinking.. dont touch her..’

OH NO OK I JUST REMEMBERED. anon im not sure if you ever read homestuck but what i see there is kind of, a black/pale flip? like. what you have to understand is they have separate but adjacent views on whether someone whos done wrong can be redeemed.

you have komaeda, who learns things about his classmates that change his view on them for the worse, and says, ‘well, i guess thats it. the only no ones pure, or good, and that means theres no hope for any of us.’

nanami is made into a part of his plan to do that, is Coerced into being part of it, and actively REJECTS that idea anyway, even when it ensures her safety. No! No, no, no! people can change. our classmates can change (and have already). You can change, she says to him. but he doesnt listen, and hadnt, this whole time.

i think she feels a real loss in having been unable to convince him of that. shes grateful that she can help the ones who Would listen to her, and shes proud that shes able to keep them safe, but she could only do that by rejecting and nullifying the last action of one of her friends. that had to sting a lot. it had to feel like she could have done more.

but at the same time, even in the cases prior to that? she Hates the things he espouses, of peoples worth being determined at birth. if that were the case, wouldnt that make her nothing more than a tool for the Future Foundation’s use? she cant accept that. its completely at odds with her character arc, to accept that.

its significant to her development, that she learns that she hates that concept

in the end i dont see komaeda/nanami as healthy. i see it as, well. he sees her as an uncorruptible ideal, and makes every effort to corrupt her, just to try to bring her to his level, and he Cant. and she wants to help him see that thats not necessary, that shes not on a pedestal--just a person, trying her best, and so is he. she wants to try to bring him up to that level with her, and she Cant either.

its unfortunate. komaeda/nanami is Unfortunate, but when i was in the fandom, and in the throes of nanami kin hell, and also really into komaeda, it was important to me to look at how they interacted.

i dont think the ship is Good. i think its underrated bc theres a lot of stuff to get into that nobody ever really bothered with, because nanami had a lot to her that nobody ever really bothered with.

i hope this makes sense?? god im so sorry its been years

#sdr2 -#might as well stick this in the tag #the most underrated leg of the ot3 #awful #play the way you want #long post -#this might not be completely accurate wrt canon?? ill look into it more when i finish the watchthrough im doing #Anonymous

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anti-transphobia · 7 years

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IF YOU CANT SCROLL DOWN AND TELL THIS POST IS REALLY LONG THE SHORTEET ANR BEST I COULD GET IT WITH MY CURRENT SITUATUATION IS THE HEART BULLETS SO IF YOU WANNA REQD ANYRHINT AT ALL I RECCOMEND THAT UNLESS YOU UAVE A GOOD ATTENTION SPAN AND/OR ARE INTERESTED AND THE AFFECTS OF CERTAIN DRUGS ON PEOPLE OR U IF YOU WNNA KNO W HOE UNBEARABLEBYOULL BE IF YOU DO DUMB SHIT AND TRY TO KILL YOURSELF WITH MEDS

Even if i "sound" (by how im typing) like im fine right now please please keep in mind i am not. I am in physical pain and will be for a while which will disable me for a while. i hope that isnt ableist to say? Its true i will be temporarily unable to walk and when i can not for long and without hurtint myself. It may not be the best choice of words but im not sure. Please correct me if im wront and i hope im not asking for all kinds of special treatmeant but please be kind about it. Being in a bad place doesny make it okay but i do need peoppes kid gloves on right now or else i may make some person who may just be trying to help feel bad abt themselves for possibly making me more depressed and suicidal. I know this is a good posibility if people arent gentle with me but it doesnt mean i can stop how i feel if it happens. Back to the topic which i cant even remember (im gonna reiterate this destroys my memory as well as ability to focus on something which is a dangerous combo) so it may not ah make any fucking sense. It sounds like i was talking abt how much pain im still in with a focus on my physical pain instead of my mental and how it stills affects and limits me. Well. Not sure where i was going with that and while if youre one of those ppl who get concerned over strangers ans stuff uh i forgot what i was writit here! Honestly no exaggeration. I thought abt my fp for a split second and ive already lost my point. I suppose i coulve just deleter the sentence and skipped that or tjought of something else to say but in case youre the one forgettib somethin here, rambling side affect. I am on the verge of making this a 20 page post abt how i cant stop ramblint while im saying im rambling. Sorry so sorry i have little control over every part of me, inside my brain and out under normal circumstances so ywah its 10000× worse now. Attempting to get back on poiny again, i think ppl who get worriee abt others easily shouldbt worrt too much abt whether im gonna die right now bc it all depends on how fast i recover and whether my parents are working today so i have tue chance to harm myself more. God i have no idea whwt rhie post means or was supposed to be abt. Ill try to summarize what i thini is goin on ans what i was truna say BAD SUMMARY POSSIBLY UNLESS I KNOW MYSELF PRETTY WELL WHICH I THINK I DO: ☆im not healed yet im still dealing with a lot of things rn even though i may still appear okay to some. While ppl on the verge of attemptiny suicide or harming themsepves have just as valid feelings as people who actually do, and being close to hurtiny yourself takes definite time to heaol, im going to go out on a hopefully not rude or bad limb and say ppl who actually do it generally need more recovery time and ppl need to understand the healing wont be as fast as it may be if nothit was actually done ☆ i forgot the second thing so ill write this here as a genuine and unnppanned reminder that this is having very clear affects on me. Also the laco of sleep for over a day is gonna fuk w me on its own combinee with drug usage soo yeh ☆ i remember now ppl who get concerner shouldbt be too concerned abt me dying atm or in a too near future ☆ i dont encourage ppl to worry abt me and the fact some ppl aay they do feels like a joke to me but there are definately things to worry abt. Even if you think physical health is less important than mental health which most ppl unfortunately dont see them as equal, my physical health and mental health are connected in many ways right now. If i get too stressed, scared (an im extremely paranoid rn on the verge of a freakout constantly), or even happy/excited my increases heart rate will go nuts and put nearly unbearable pain which may in turn worsen my mental health and create a cycle of pain ☆ once again i keep forgetting andb as the side affects are worsening im becoming less anr less like the person who solemly started to write this post (i think the word fits accurately here but it sounds odd. Dont let this make you think im happy, im in no way happy. I just have a shit ton of energy which if i caree abt my wellbeing would b dangerous bc its easier for ke to kill myself now. Or it woipd be if it werent for the fact im in a lot of paij rn for a variety of reasons) ☆with that last bullet im p sure i was gonna say i love you guys. I didnt so i will say t here!! I love you guts you guys have helped me 'kay? BEAR WITH ME AS I ATTEMPT TO SHORTEN WHWT I SAY FOR EVERYONES BENEFIT EVEN IF IT TAKES 5 TRIES ANE 4 POSTS Buttercup Tries a Summary 2.0 ♡im in a lot of pain right now. Im shaking for a few reasojs and oje of em is bc im in a shitton of pain ♡please be kind to me for a bit. more gentle then you woule usually have to be with me. i dont wnna ask for too much but even joking around without saying youre joking very blatantly could make everythibg a lot worse which i dont wnna happen bc it woulsbbe unfair to a persob meaning no harm ♡i dont think i said i love you guys? I love you guys ♡im probablt missing a shit ton of impprtant thints so im just gojna sau im in a lot o f pain holy fuck if you even have a casual conversatioj im probabky gonna mention how my body is dying and not peacefully ♡Oh JUST REMEMBEREE MY PHONE BATTERY. ITS AT 6%. IT WAS AT 11/12 WHEN I STARTED WRITING THIS POST. IT TAKES ME THAT LONG TO SAY SIMPLE THINGS IN MY CURRWNT STATE (im gonna grt an estimate of how long this post took and put it in the tags and if anyones interested or willijg to humour me and pretend to care i can find tags of a big suicide attempt i did when i was 13/early14 just so you can. Get a grasp of how bad my rambling can REALLY be) ♡puttin this with a new heart cuz the last one is too damned long now fuck you buttercuo and ur dumb ass anyways my phone is at 5% now ans still lowering. I m physically unavle to get toje computer wnd while i can use my phone while chargij t it doesnt work as well and everyhiny i do will taoe even longer. It fucks w the keypad so my spellijy will probabky be worse agian ajd tumblt wouod die every other minute so

#i think o has sometjint else but whatevs #im probabltbgonna post on tpoc a bit #so i dont seem like a huge dickbag whos only doing this ajd drawing itbout for atrwntion #whicu is not wha im doing and i onow i cant control whatsbhappening to me ans whatbom doij #bc of it #bit i still feel guilty abt it esp knowing tjis i s whwtbwoildbhappen ig i lived #typing getting worse shaking increaeing also im rusihing as mu battety is at 4% @#ans will probably be lower by the timr i finally pos this #suicide #long post #randok

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