#if i take it out i now im betraying the emotionality of that moment
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One year ago in a fit of rage I ended a long distance relationship, and you guys all know how hard that was for me. But at least the playlist was fire 🤪
#sjsksksk IT'S SO FUNNY#IM SO DRAMATIC#now days i look back and i understand i projected many things#in searching for a dramatic and deep heartbreak#it's ok i guess#now i understand heartbreak songs#it doesn't matter if it wasn't based in a real person#and was instead based in the person i created in my mind 🫰#someone that... actually liked me and stuff#DON'T laugh about the tswift song a friend linked it when i was talking about something specific#also the lana del rey song makes me cringe but i added it crying so#while NOW (and even soon after) i laugh#if i take it out i now im betraying the emotionality of that moment#anyway like you know i recycle heartbreaks wheb como un g was also used when i thought about sara#sjsjsjdjjdjdjd#ANYWAYS enjoy it's a good playlist if i say so myself :^)#it relaly portrays my whole journey#at the beggining when i wanted to be above everything#and then when i got desesperate#then when i hated her#and suddenly! acceptance#it's a nice list juejue#izzy.txt#Spotify
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i feel horrible. I feel betrayed and I’m depressed but strangely not surprised?
Its not even, not even about who is worse or whatever, i just- I heard connor eats pants talk, he said how george and the dream team, (even if they don’t acknowledge it,) have a large young girl audience. That’s the part of the audience that helped them grow.(And id say the audience who was the most emotionally, young girls or queer people who a lot of the time grew up presenting female or queer people in general, who are also at higher risk of getting used or assaulted ) and how its disgusting and disappointing to see them drop these weird points about consent and i (as a part of that demographic myself) - that really hit me in some way. That really hit me and something about it rings in my chest with hurt an realisation. It makes me incredibly sad, and yet it makes me realise stuff.
That point to me seems incredibly important.
That fact makes their statements seem ignorant..
Im slowly coming to terms with how I personally want to move forward with acknowledging their content, the content that was genuinely helping my depression and was part of my routine. So I didn’t formulate this to be some sort of statement, but more of a “oh” moment that i wanted to share
These men don’t feel like they care about the large audience they hurt.. young girls, and how their respective statements about consent could affect idk their world view? :/
Something i got reminded of when reading tumblr after watching that connor tiktok clip of his stream.
I see where you're coming from and what you're feeling is valid and it's entirely up to you if you want to stay or not
I just think that we've seen a lot of examples of them being good to women, in a professional sense as well as personally (as recent as Sapnap's birthday stream we saw George direct the camera away from Sylvee's skirt while she was climbing the wall). This is not a defense of George's behavior regarding the Caiti situation in any way, shape, or form, but we also can't erase the good behavior that we have witnessed, you know?
Like, I've left fandoms for petty reasons and big reasons (i used to love shane dawson, I used to love david dobrik, i went on a weird hate watch spree for a couple depressing months in like 2018 for the paul brothers--i'm not proud) and when a cc's behavior becomes clear, I drop their ass. Even through the drituation, I've never seen behavior from the dreamteam that I thought was hateful against anyone and I believe they've always shown that they want to do what's right when they do mess up.
Do I think they have room to grow? Yeah, absolutely. But I don't think they secretly hate women or are exploiting us. ((no matter what Hannah is saying now, they have had many close female friends for quite a while--Puffy, Sylvee, Gia--and I feel like those people wouldn't have stuck around if they were shitty to women constantly when off camera))
I don't think this incident with Caiti is just another in a long line of dubious consent situations (not that I can know). If I thought they were doing this behind the scenes all the time, I'd nope out. I'm hoping that they can take this as a learning moment and find greater nuance in consent. We are always learning and Dream, the most, has always shown he's willing to take criticism and realize why something was wrong and not do it again. We've seen this from George too when he apologized for old screen shots with slurs. They aren't perfect, none of us are, but I have hope that they'll move forward with a clearer idea.
To be quite honest, I have seen the conversations around consent morph in my lifetime. It's a wonderful thing to see women speaking up and being believed and consequences coming down on men when, historically, that has almost never been the case. We need to keep having these conversations and reinforcing the line, no matter how uncomfortable it can be.
As far as dream team not caring about their audience, I can't really disagree with that right now lol. I certainly don't really feel cared for, but I'm here more for my friends now at this point.
Keep thinking through what this means for you and how you want to move forward for yourself. there's nothing wrong with putting them down for a while. I see a trend of former fans burning the ground as they leave, but like, you can just leave or take a little hiatus from dreamteam, and that's absolutely fine! You can always change your mind and come back, or you can find something else and get super invested in that. No one is going to track what you're doing and judge you, I promise.
As far as content to help you through depression, I can't recommend Brittany Broski and Trixie and Katya enough. I've been listening to Trixie and Katya's Podcast, the Bald and the Beautiful, for my long commutes and they keep me laughing. I'd start with their "Unhhh" youtube series though because it's..... Hilarious
Sorry this got so long. Classic Scoops
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do you have any headcanons about sashanne high school breakup? i know it sucks thinking about the canon end timeline but that little mention in your demi anne comic was intriguing 👀
HEH...you know how anne says we can deal with our emotional baggage later and then never do. sorry for more amphibia criticism but the way they handled sashannes second reunion was so shitty and undramatic it pisses me off how they sweep everything under the rug and just make characters be happy and makeup like nothing.
so... heh. they get together i like to think at 15/16 bc they like each other ofc and have been stuck in this cutesy flirty banter ever since commanding together the rebellion, but there is also all these bottled up emotions that they never brought up and it goes like this:
when they get together as teens they like the version of each other they believe they know. sasha likes anne but when anne is now the emotionally distant one she's unfulfilled. sure anne is affectionate and shes great to her but whenever sasha tries to get the convo onto a more serious ground of Hey i Really REALLY Like You anne tends to play stupid and desperately makes her way out of the situation. heh. turns out dying and getting ripped from you the chance of ever being a child again because you know whats after death and specifically after YOUR death, leaving u with a nihilistic view of life where u just smile through it no matter what, isnt good for a highschool relationship with a newly reformed, takes everything seriously and wants to talk about everything, sasha waybright! thank u amphibia writers anne is 1000% okay after all this and she leads a completely normal happy life doesnt she!
and on annes end. she's deep down, waiting for sasha to betray her at one point. its kind of like, anne is not as committed to the rs as sasha is bc anne's emotionally disconnected. she refuses to think of herself and her own feelings which drives her to never face the fact she has trust issues, which in return means she never truly processed everything sasha did in amphibia and how thats deeply changed their relationship forever
and that all blows up in their faces eventually. sasha snaps at anne for acting like theyre still just friends, anne snaps at sasha for acting like nothing ever happened, sasha snaps at anne, SAD, bc how dare u bring that up, not only was it YEARS ago but i apologized and u forgave me, i thought we were pass that, and anne snaps back at sasha surprised and upset with HERSELF because sasha is right, but also this situations making anne think of things she doesnt want to think and its too difficult. and they break up.
and yknow... bonus points for prom. one or two years after breakup. they decide to go together because somehow it feels weird to go with anyone else. by that point theyre barely talking at all so its surprising when sasha approaches anne to ask her but annes like yknow what. wouldnt have it any other way.
so they go to prom together and theyre cutesy and have Moments and dance together and have almost kiss moment and YOU KNOW WHAT. THEY FIGHT AGAIN. for the DAMN SAME STUFF its like a speedrun of that dating period they have but in 1 night and its the prom and god i love these vibes of shitty prom. it also adds, popular hc of marcy wanting to go to prom with sasha and anne so bad but shes away so she cant fulfill this dream. i see ur "marcy travels to la for prom and sashannarcy all go together" and i bring you "sashanne go together and fight, marcy is away and alone, no one gets what they fucking want" why? bc it is more interesting to think about and im tired of making these characters act like nothing fucking happened
amphibia was not just an adventure that is over with. shit happened and it affects them in the long run. anyways. what was the question
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SEASON FINALE TRIVIA !!!!!! this includes 23 and 24. i hope youre having fun :)
- yakko does the intro and says "welcome to just rolled with it the show after the show where we talk about how awesome i am :)" and hes right for that
- JUST GENERALLY PRAISING YAKKO FOR HIS PERFORMANCE AS ASHE. grizzly goes "i honestly forgot you were a guest player i just want you to stay here forever now"
- bizly and yakko the night before they recorded this episode were up late thinking about just . goofy scary things for the trickster to do. like what if the floor is lava but REAL. what if his ARMS GOT LONG. shit like that
- BIZLY WAS GETTING EMOTIONAL DURING THE SCENE RIGHT BEFORE ASHE FULLY TURNS INTO THE TRICKSTER. which is HUGE because its a running joke in riptide that bizly never gets emotional during character moments and grizzly is like. the big crybaby about it. polar opposites of the getting emotionally immersed in roleplay spectrum
- grizzly: "i know out of character we had to leave ashe here because it works for the story and also youre a guest and cant stay forever but in character, dakota would NEVER do that willingly. if circumstances were just a little different i think william and vyncent wouldve had to physically drag him out of there" :(
- OVERLORD WAS NOT ORIGINALLY AN ALLIGATOR. HE WAS NOT AN ALLIGATOR FIVE MINUTES BEFORE HE WAS REVEALED . OVERLORD BECAME AN ALLIGATOR THE MOMENT BIZLY SAID ".... i gotta do it"
- yakko: i kinda feel bad that i just one punch deleted the big supervillain thats been hyped up for the whole season
grizzly: no, look. we've been joking for like 5 episodes now about how our characters could never beat an alligator. and we were right!
- "it took a god to beat a gator" "i feel like youd see that on the front of a church in florida" "whats a king to a god. whats a god to a gator"
- condi: "hey! so the beginning of the episode! pretty wacky! remember when we fought whirlwind?"
charlie: "no. no i dont."
- grizzly: "i almost find myself sympathizing with the villains sometimes because we're just so annoying"
yakko: "every villain we've gone up against is just thinking 'man, these kids are LOSERS'"
- grizzly: "i genuinely never want to speak to mark again"
charlie: "if he breaks out of prison i will go to every length to put him back in. i hate him. i hate him so much" THIS WAS LITERALLT UNPROMPTED?!?!?!?!! WHY DO THEY HATE HIM SO MUCH. FREE MY MAN !!!!!!!!!
- when they first got into the room, charlie condi and yakko thought thetubes were gonna open and 4 regular gators were gonna come out to fight them. grizzly thought it was gonna be wavelength betraying them with the other lieutenants (AGAIN. WHY ALL THE MARK WINTERS HATE. I DONT UNDERSTAND)
- QUICK BACKSTORY RECAP BY GRIZZLY. basically verbatim to how hes saying it.
vyncent: is from another world. looked up to an adventuring party. (condi: the important part was the whole "monsters that dont look like monsters" thing)
william: theres a bunch of ghosts spirits monsters in deadwood and he and his friends were investigating them until one day he followed a wisp into a forest and fell down a hole and died and came back as a wisp and now all the monsters and ghouls are out to get him so he had to leave deadwood so his friends and family wouldnt be in danger (charlie: well when you put it like that it sounds so much lamer)
ashe: had a trickster book and the trickster killed his mom. idk why he thought that was a good idea. actually, when you got possessed by the trickster the first time, howd you get him back in the book? (bizly: theres more to that story you guys havent learned yet so im not gonna just tell you. you have to figure that stuff out in character)
- dakota: (from charlie this time) uhh your parents died and you take risks and jump off things and then one day a girl jumped off a thing with you and you grabbed her but then also died like william wisp because we like falling off of things and getting superpowers apparently so you fell off something and got superpowers and then you left the hospital before they coukd tell you anything and you ran into the woods where you met a strange old man that taught you how to fight stuff i guess (grizzly: i never actually wrote what happened to the girl in my backstory. bizly: because you wouldnt KNOW)
- dakota adrenaline junkie........ (grizzly: its worse now because he has powers and he can do all the things he used to and MORE. and SURVIVE)
- they all believe tide was mind controlled from the time he went to talk to whirlwind by himself after they beat him. bizly says he misspoke and described some things wrong, tide wasnt actually mind controlled until they were actually in the building. he kept rolling saves for him and every time he just rolled like garbage so he never broke out of it
- its a 2/3 split on how theyre planning to react to the heroes. vyncent and william are bitter about it because neither of them are used to living in a place with a lot of heroes so they dont know how all of this is supposed to work. theyre angry that the heroes never showed up when they needed them and the one time they actually do come its just MINUTES too late after their friend had to basically sacrifice himself to save them instead. dakota, who grew up in and around the city basically worshipping superheroes, doesnt understand why theyd be so angry.
- the reason overlord knew they were coming is because the gunman from the whirlwind fight got away. he instantly came back to overlord and told him to expect pd soon because they beat whirlwind
AWESOME TRIVIA FOR THESE!!!!! holy shit... trickster the floor is lava but real ^_^ horrifying thanks!!
ALSO REAL. THIS IS YAKKOS WORLD WERE JUST LIVING IN IT!!! genuinely probably i would have figured out the setup in 24 so much quicker if i hadn't just. Forgot ashe was a guest. i was like yeah man four of them. he just lives here now. i wonder what theyre setting up for because i dont think some big setup for one of the main pcs 2 have an insane sacrificial moment would happen!! ^_^;
I LOVE THE WIWI STUFF. fucked up x files gravity falls ass hybrid. head in hands. ALL of the backstory stuff actually esp. vyncents which is still the vaguest shit ever. shaking himmmmmm why is there an adventuring party in ur brain !!!!! head in hands.
#THE FUCKING ALLIGATOR SHIT. OH MY GOD. im stiilll not fucking over it man. god.#god. please tell me these kids get like. ONE NIGHT. ONE NIGHT in umm. probably a fucking hotel or something because the hall of elementals#is still not really livable & umm. well they wont be staying at marks! please for the love of god i need them all to have a really long hot#shower & a cry & cuddle pile. head in hands. i need to like open google docs about this or something.#anyway... aughghgh. have been thinkin bout this shit all day dude. fuck. also feeling insane about dakota + their reaction 2 the heroes#specifically. i think thats most of it. OK. DAMN i need 2 get this classwork done ok i think ummm. maybe ill start s2 to motivate me.#catkiss.gif!!#mac tag!#pd lb
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Talk to me about Kaiji part 4... OR abt something youre currently reading/enjoyed recently idk how up to date I am w that 🐴💕
i almost bonked u for a fave emoji but now i see that horsie :) hehe hi horsie
kaiji part 4 is so one of my favorite death games PERIOD like outside of its kaiji context the arc does something i havent seen anything else do.. kaiji, the protag, isnt playing the game hes forced to only spectate it and comment on it. and so is the calculating antagonist! and that take on the 3rd party commentators is one of the only good examples of it ive seen (usogui is another good example) in opposition to how liar game does it (and everything else that copied it)
CAUSE ok my rules are
1. ur narration should, as much as possible, be from someone IN the gamble. what do i care what someone not in the game THINKS, MAYBE, is the gamblers' motivations? let the gamblers speak for themselves- about each other and about themselves. let THEM lie.
2. if u do have outside commentators, that commentary needs to ADD something and it CANNOT be stuff thats just thrown away later. example: in liar game the commentators will tell u "this gambler did this for that reason" and that turns out to be WRONG. so on a reread u remember thats literally not true and can easily skip the pages and not lose any information. thats very bad.
im OK w narration (from outside and inside the game) misleading you- its the bread & butter of gambling fiction. but that has to ADD something. it cannot just be clutter and lies. theres a great example of the ref lying to the audience in usogui but i cant get into it w no spoilers so trust me i do love it when the narration lies to my face sometime. cuz it adds meaning to a text!!!
AND THATS what part 4 is about. the gambler protag is forbidden from playing (at times literally tied up!!!) and its allllllllll about the biases of narration and commentary. its about kazuya literally FICTIONALIZING this. hes writing a book from this!!!! and kazuya seeing everything through his "friendship is fake" lense, kaiji seein the same thing as PROOF trust & friendship r real... the players backstories being inserted at the most impactful moment, the ways kazuya lies to the players without technically~~ lying and so on. the question at the heart of the game: is friendship more valuable than money? is not even answered properly because of kazuyas manipulation AND of kaijis interference. the commentators are pulled back into the game- they are playing, too. may they want it or not theyre part of this "experiment", of this fiction. you, sir, are a space too- we live in a society.?
and as u pointed out theres an omnipresence of water imagery in the arc and this is kazuya projecting his own subconscious into it. this is kind of like what jigsaw does in saw 1 hes recreating his trauma and putting people in that situation to see how THEY cope so he can know what hes supposed to do too. (cause emotionally he lived his diagnosis like a saw trap. so hes putting other people in this death sentence to, yes, cope.)
kazuya lived his drowning like a choice everyone on the boat made to save someone else instead of him, so hes putting other people in a situation to choose between someones life and something else to see what THEY do. and, of course, they have to reenact that betrayal he felt or his trauma isnt just "how the world is, trust and friendship are fake" but actually something that was wrong with him. the game does not exist without him reliving his childhood through it. theres no story without the spectator, the camera, the voyeur.
& kaiji is reliving his own gambles! "theres no way theyll betray each other" because if trust & friendship arent real then all of HIS betrayals were just him being a fucking idiot. what grace and virtue is there in forgiving the one who stabbed you in the back if it turns out thats just human nature to be selfish. if its not the death game making people act unlike their true selves then kaijis just some mark who got scammed over and over again lol...
like all good death games, the game stands for something. in part 1 its capitalism (and most of the time in kaiji its this, work, money, addiction, class) and in part 4 too you see this rich japanese man exploit poor immigrants for entertainment and thats what the game is, but its also (childhood) trauma. "they wont kill each other because me and the 45ers, me and the guys on the steel beams, we didnt." and "emotionally, this was like being strapped to a chair and seeing my trusted one walk to the button, and kneel, and apologize, and cry, and not release me. and watch me die."
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The bad batch but as Midnights song
So here is something absolutely no one asked for but here is what songs i think the batchers are on Midnights by Taylor Swift based on lyrics and vibes
Lavender haze - Omega
“All this shit is new to me”
Tell me this song is not her, I dare you. The beat, the vibes and everything about it
Maroon - Echo
“The lips i used to call home”
This has no real logical explanation besides from a fanfic I made up in my head about being echo’s S/O and them loosing him because of the citadel and them missing him and then getting him and the lips they used to call home back again. And then also recalling memories of spilling wine on each other
Anti-hero - Crosshair
How could I not? He is the anti hero of the batch if they ever had one.
However I dont think he is the problem, Its not his fault and to me he is still perfect.
“I wake up from dreaming one day i’ll watch as your leaving”
“I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror”
And for the crosshair girls: “it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero”
Snow on the beach - Echo
Because sadly, man has insecurities
“You wanting me tonight feels impossible”
Also: “life is emotionally abusive” cause MAN HAS BEEN THROUGH IT
You’re on your own kid - Omega
This one is tough because well it could fit them all BUT I think it fits omega the most because well, She is the only kid and the only one of them that had ever gotten to feel like a kid
“Cause there were pages turned
With the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take
So make the frienship bracelets
Take the moment and take it
You’ve Got no reason to be afraid”
Midnight rain - Crosshair
“I wanted that pain” enough said
Question… ? - Tech
Simply for the line: “i just may like some explanations”
I also feel like Tech would be one to day “thats nice, im sure that’s what’s suitable”
And just in general man would ask many questions
Vigilante shit - Crosshair
Okay so man seems like the type to get revenge when he has been wronged so this is just perfection for him
“Dont get sad, get even”
“Lately i’ve been dressing for revenge”
Bejewled - Wrecker
Simply for the vibes
Lanyrinth - Hunter
Hunter again because this line:
“You know how much i hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back”
Bonus!
Wrecker in this one specific line:
“You know how scared I am of elevators” from that one scene during clone wars where he is scared to get on the escalator and asks how far up they are going.
Sweet nothing - Echo
Seems like a sweet nothing type of guy
“ you’re in the kitchen humming’ he is a humming in the kitchen type of person and he also doesnt want anything from his partner except for their pressence and time
Mastermind - Tech
Man is a mastermind and man would make a very detailed plan to get you to fall in love with him after doing an insane amount of research so yes, he is the mastermind and i will take no arguments
“To asses the equation of you”
“I laid the groundwork and then just like clockwork the dominos cascaded in a line”
“And now you’re mine, it was all by design”
“Cause im a mastermind”
The great war - all of them
They all fought in the clone wars except for Omega but she was still effected.
I honestly cant listen to this without thinking of them
“ flashes of the battle come back to me like a blur”
“It turned into something bigger
Somewhere in the haze, Got a sense i’d been betrayed”
Them when they found out about the chips
Bigger than the whole sky - the whole batch minus tech
The batch after they thought they lost Tech in the season 2 finale. THEY THOUGHT THEY LOST HIM BUT THEY DIDNT CAUSE HE SURVIVED OKAY. HE IS ALIVE AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE
“Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky”
Paris - Hunter when in love
“I want to brainwash you into loving me forever”
High infedelity - Crosshair
"You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love
The slowest way is never loving them enough"
i'm just gonna go cry if you'll excuse me
Glitch - Hunter
"i was supposed to sweat you out"
would totally be the type of guy to try and swet someone out
would've, could've, should've - omega
"Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first"
dear reader - the entire batch
"Dear reader
If it feels like a trap, you're already in one
Dear reader
Get out your map, pick somewhere and just run"
enough said
Thank you for your time and i apologise for the Crosshair songs
#the bad batch#the bad batch Tech#the bad batch Hunter#the bad batch wrecker#the bad batch echo#the bad batch omega#the bad batch x Taylor Swift#mastermind#tbb#tbb headcanons#tbb thoughts
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24.04.15
it’s been a while since i posted here. i wanted to make this my safe space, but every so often when i feel like screaming into the void i just end up redirecting my energy into something else.
recently though i find myself making more effort to take care of myself even with the simplest things like drinking tea before i go to bed, religiously doing my skin care, treating myself to a nice bath, buying myself coffee, etc. they say romanticize your life, but sometimes its so hard to find the beauty in things you do everyday.
the reason why i am writing is because… i just suddenly feel so lonely. the struggle is so so so real and its like im struggling in every aspect of my life right now. it’s not easy dealing with so much work and reporting to a very fast paced and demanding boss at the same time dealing with realizing you’re falling out of love with your significant other and coming home to an incredibly messy household (literally) and being expected to do even the slightest house work at a specific hour.
and again, i feel like running away. from everything.
i hate this feeling and i hate feeling this feeling, but also i feel it so so often. can’t say i’ve gotten used to it though or have found the best way to deal with it, but it is what it is. life consists of many moments of wanting to run away.
i’m trying to find the balance between working and being good at work but at the same time not betraying myself and living life. i so believe that i wasn’t born just to be a corporate slave, in fact, i am supposed to be more than a conqueror. but its so much harder when you’re so physically, emotionally, and mentally drained.
i appreciate moments that bring me healing because i rarely have those anymore. i hope i learn to find that balance. i want to enjoy and make the most out of the life i’ve been blessed with.
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Some context: the rant below may be disturbing, I talk about my relationship that is not going too good at the moment and about my worsening mental health.
Im nb and queer, so is my partner.
Just had the biggest fight with my partner and now he wants to leave me. after 3.5 years. We are both severely mentally ill and he wants to give up on our relationship. He doesnt care anymore, he has been breaking my trust over and over for the past few months. Suspicious relationship with a friend, going to her house, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and staying the night multiple times. He even confessed to sleeping in her bed once because he "felt light headed" . Her calling him in the middle of the night because she needed comfort. Him being ready to drop everything at any given moment to come to her place. He told me that they have been joking about him cheating on me with her since her newest boyfriend is so similar to him. Couple days ago he told me that he has been smoking weed with her, despite it being illegal in the place we live in. Drugs (each and every one) scare me so much and he knows that and still when I told him that I felt betrayed and disturbed he started calling me conservative and close minded. For the record, I dont think there is anything wrong with using any kind of drug, I just wished he would say something before he started doing drugs with her (and now he talks about doing mushrooms because they have a mutual friend who tries to grow them in her house). He likes to bully and tease me, make me feel bad and says that hes just joking. He lied to me in the past and about something very important too. He has been hiding that thing from me for months and we lived together. His parents are walking all over me, abusing both of us, trying to get us kicked out of our flat, despite being very rich they dont support him financially in any way and since he cant or wont find a job it falls on me to take care of finance (that is rent, food, medicine, transportation). I am beyond tired, Im suicidal and he doesnt care. He just doesnt care anymore. My job is literally killing me and I havent quit yet because the only way we can live together is if I have it. I feel betrayed, I feel emotionally cheated on, Im so disappointed that he would break my trust just to smoke weed with that girl and her friends and have fun.
The thing is.
I love him beyond words. I missed him before we knew each other. We are each others first partners, we are just 20 and we met in high school. Im autistic, and I really cant create deep relationships with other people. I dont know why, I just dont feel that way about the vast majority of people. Before I met him I felt lonely for all my life, there were people around me but no one understood me and they never felt like companions to me. We have been through hell together and its not the first time its bad. Almost every time it goes the same way, I want to fight for our relationship and he wants to leave, says that he doesnt love me anymore, that he doesnt feel anything. Now I lay in our bed, he is in the other room and I wait for him to come and talk to me.
He once crawled into our bed besides me and whispered that he could kill me if he wanted to, since he a lot taller and stronger than me. I never thought too much of it, but always it felt kinda weird.
Im not a good person, I told him that I want to kill myself and when he didnt want to talk earlier I asked what would happen if I left and didnt come back. He says that Im emotionally blackmailing him and he probably is right. I dont know, I have let so many things slide with him. I was screaming and crying and begging and he has been packing his stuff and ignoring me. And then I hit him. On his arm, not to hurt him but I know it was wrong. I wanted him to stop ignoring me but what I did is the worst thing I could have done. He said that this is probably the end as Im in his words "in the worst place mentally that I have ever been in". I cried all night, I cant sleep or eat, Im not thirsty, I just want the pain to stop. I want to hurt myself, I want him gone from my life, I want him to love me and care about what he has done to me, I want him to admit that he has ruined our relationship. I dont know who he is, he is a stranger to me but we have been together for all my life. I love him to death, I want to spend my life with him, I never want to see him again. He is still here, he has been taken away by his new friends and soon probably lovers and he has been taken away by himself and what is left I dont recognise.
Ive always invested more in this relationship, allowed hin to cross my boundaries when it made him happy untill I didnt have any left. I accept him, I love him, Im always there for him, he takes things out on me and I just continue to support him. I help him with his art and studies, I paint his nails and help him with anything he wants or needs help with. I allow him to run different psych. tests on me as he needs them for his studies, I give him my time and attention. Still, he is disgusted with my emotions, made me feel dirty by repeately telling me that I stink for over a month (and then admitted that I dont, he just thought it was a funny joke), told me that my anger is evil and pathological and that I should never feel it. He hates my body, hates that I have a human body and that Im not made out of glass and silicone and plastic. He doesnt kiss me on the lips and he finds my afab genitals to be extremly gross.
I lost so much in the past month, Im scared for my life. I lost a job opportunity that would have been perfect for me, and then I lost even more job opportunities. I may have lost my flat, I will probably have to move out untill the end of april. And now I have lost my boyfriend.
I know how it all sounds, but this is a vent and there is much more good than bad, we have loved each other deeply for a long time now.
#rant#personal vent#depresjon#tw bpd vent#tw toxicity#tw mentally ill#mental illness#anxienty#sewer slide
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How do you get over someone who abused you? How do you not crave them every day and wonder what they’re doing?
Sure, they’ve put me through a lot, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it’s insane how someone who has brought you the most pain, also holds so much of your love.
She almost cut my finger off one time, an accident, at least that’s what I assumed. It happened so fast. I remember screaming and seeing the look of shock on her face. In that instant, I shut off every instinct telling me to run, instead, I comforted her and told her it was alright but we needed to go to the hospital.
From that moment, I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel. Alli was focused on was what I should say as they stitched my finger. I couldn’t possibly betray her, it was an accident after all. I became afraid. Afraid I would lose her for letting us get into that situation. I put my own feeling aside to take care of her own. Most of all, I was afraid it would happen again and I’d have to lie over and over again for her.
And I did. I lied about how she talked to me and the things that went on behind closed doors. But in these times, she showed me love. After she cut my hand, I’d seen a new side of her filled with love and everything I could ask for. And then I’d see it go away. Then something like the finger incident would happen again. And that love would come back.
Soon, the increments would get shorter and shorter. I was getting kicked out and the policed called on me every week. What did I do? I was going insane. I wanted to make it stop. And it was always extremes after extremes. Until finally, she got sick of playing. And she left.
Now, all i am left with is this hole in my chest and a wondering in my brain. I wonder if it’s wrong for me to miss her touch. Her smile. I wonder if I’m worthless for being discarded without a second thought. I wonder if I deserve love and if it’ll ever find me.
It has, and I have found it in myself after many long years. I am learning to love my life and figuring out who I’m meant to be in this life. Im falling in love with my soul and learning to let it run free. I am not my past. And I will begin again.
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/rp
i will write a better character relationship and morals analysis when im not rushing to get ready for a party, however in light of the techno tommy betrayal argument getting resparked by today i’m gonna put out a hot (and based) take:
tommy saying he betrayed techno isn’t character growth, nor is it him ‘finally realizing what he did wrong’. it’s showing that his character is regressing to doubting himself and what he stands for. and it’s showing that wilbur and quackity are both bad options for his safety.
while i do agree that, on a fundamental standpoint, that tommy betrayed techno i think he was in the right for doing so. if he were to stay with techno he would’ve sided with everything he was against, he would’ve destroyed his home and his connection to wilbur (something he still cares deeply about), he would’ve ruined his relationship with tubbo (another person he cares deeply about) permanently, and on a writing standpoint it would’ve been bad. it would’ve sucked to see tommy spend all of the pogtopia arc fighting against destroying l’manberg only to have him be hurt by that same country and decide “nope time to destroy it now wilbur was right!”. while this then gets kind of ruined by doomsday happening and l’manberg dying, that’s a separate anlaysis.
what i’m getting at here is rather than admitting that he betrayed techno because it was for his own safety, aka something he needs to start prioritizing, he says simply that he betrayed techno and he’s guilty for it. tommy was VERY focused on the idea of where he would safest when deciding between wilbur and quackity. so to have tommy say he was in the wrong for prioritizing his safety and then try to pick where he will be safest it’s showing that tommy has a very skewed sense of safety and that neither wilbur nor quackity are safe options for him right now. whether that will change in the future for either of them is up in the air, but at this moment, wilbur and quackity are both using tommy as a one-up over the other because they know he means a lot to both of them.
tommy saying he betrayed techno and he’s guilty for it shows that he still doesn’t fully know how to put himself and his well being first. that wasn’t ‘character growth’ or ‘admitting his faults’, it was showing the viewers that tommy still isn’t emotionally stable enough to be in the situation he’s in now.
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Can I request Dazai, Chuuya, Atushi, and Ranpo reacting to you telling them that you shifted dimensions to their dimension.
telling them you shifted into their dimension
ft. dazai | chuuya | atsushi | ranpo x gn! reader
genre: fluff, comedy
warnings: none
Dazai
When he first saw you, he’d be a little curious😏
But he wouldn’t exactly know that you’re from another dimension. Somethings up, but what?
When you finally decide to tell him, it would take a few seconds of disbelief/silence for him to process it.
“Dazai, I’d like to say that I shifted dimensions to this dimension☺️”
“.....did you hit your head somewhere, darling? Should I get Yosano ◕‿◕?”
“I’m serious ^o^”
He wouldn’t show it, but he’ll believe you after a while of thinking to himself. I mean, something like “the book” exists so why not being able to shift dimensions?
He would ask you how to shift
“PLEASE teach me how to shift 😊🙏”
“Didn’t I say my dimension is a rotten piece of shit? Why do you think I’m here ◕ ◡ ◕?”
It would be the both of yours little secret🤞
He’s curious, so he’ll constantly ask you what things are like back where you actually “live.”
“You guys are fictional characters and everyone is in love with you🙂”
“That’s right. I expected nothing less ▰˘◡˘▰”
“They’re also in love with a 5’3 redhead with anger issues and an emotionally constipated emo boy •‿•”
“....wait—who could that be 🤔”
Wait till you tell him about soukoku😄
“WHAT? How could my fans betray me like that? Impossible. Why would I ever be in love(🤢)with that hatrack⁉️”
For your own safety, never mention chuuya ever again okay☺️?
Real talk, tell him everyone just wants to give him a hug and tell him to live 😕
He’ll be shocked, blush a little, and make a dash for it to run away🏃🏼♀️💨💨
What, did you actually think this mf knows how to express his emotions 🤣🤣? (cries)
Chuuya
He won’t ever believe you ಥ‿ಥ
“Chuuya...I’ve been meaning to tell you something...”
“Okay, spit it out ಠ_ಠ”
“...I’m from a different dimension.”
“...ᇂ_ᇂ”
“◕ ◡ ◕?”
“Did you hit your fucking head somewhere? Stop talking crazy shit, we have a mission.”
Just accept it, y/n. Stay quiet and accept your fate 🧍♂️🤚
He doesn’t have time to deal with even more crazier shit than he does on the daily. So just live your life without him acknowledging it.
But—in the case where he does find out—he’ll have a different reaction. More of a shocked “I don’t have time for this/why does shit like this always happen to me”
He’ll pinch the bridge of his nose and and grab both your shoulders and say “okay, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear this, okay? I heard nothing. Nothing at all.”
If you wanna die, definitely bring up dazai !
“Chuuuya~the fans back at home wanna know about you and Dazai 🌝”
“HUH? What about me and that mackerel🤨?”
Consider him half dead from shock and disgust when you say that people ship him and Dazai.
“No no no. I can’t do this. Not today. Not ever.”
*walks away after gracefully punching a wall* 🚶♂️🚶♂️
“But c’mon chuuya, what about that one dead apple scene ◕3◕?”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS A DEAD APPLE??? And for your information, I was passed out so I have no recollection of it😐”
“But you looked like you were about to give him head🤔”
“FUCKING—this is just sexual harassment at this point😐”
Atsushi
Kinda like Chuuya, wouldn’t believe you at first. In fact, he’ll think you have a screw loose in your brain🧐
“Are—are you okay? Do you have fever?”
He wouldn’t be 100% sure of what’s going on (he never really does) but he’ll end up being like “okay, so now what ◕ ◡ ◕?”
Tell him that everyone back in your dimension just wants to hug him and tell him it’s alright and shower him with so much love.
He’ll start crying cuz of that 🥲
Tell him about shin soukoku and he’ll probably break :p
“HUH?? Absolutely not. Akutagawa is never on my mind. I’m never thinking about him. BOYFRIEND?? I’M NOT EVEN—“
It’s okay Atsushi 😙
Apart from that, I think he’d sometimes forget you were from a different dimension if you were acting normal.
I mean, he’s accepted at this point that he’s the one who attracts crazy weird shit so he’s not surprised anymore 🤷♀️
But he’d be even more curious as to what people are saying about him in your dimension.
“Atsushi, people want you to show them beast beneath the sheets ◕ ◡ ◕”
“...what is that ◕ ◡ ◕?”
Tell him what that is, then he’ll flip 😁
“NO—NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT! What’s happening? How did I end up having this conversation? Why is it always me😄?”
Ranpo
He would know. He would just know.
The moment you step into their dimension, Ranpo wouldn’t hesitate to call you out and be like “Y/n is from another dimension.” And then go back to eating his candy.
Everyone who heard him: ʘ‿ʘ?
In fear of him being right, they never brought it up again <3
Would casually ask you, “the next time you come here, bring candy back with you.”
“...uh sure ◕ ◡ ◕?”
He seems oddly calm🙂?
He’s always asking you if bus routes are easier back where you live or if there’s better candy flavors 🤔
Tell him about Ranpoe <3
“Poe? Well yeah, he’s a boy who is my friend. So I suppose that makes him my boyfriend. And no one else can have him, alright🤨?”
Suddenly gets all possessive of Poe from people who are from another dimension 🧐
tag list: @uwu-monster101 @14th-century-homosexual-spirit @yosanoslut @cross-crye @stylesketches @starglow-xx @ranposlover @bsdwhore @arimakii @cytolysis @shadyteacup @dai-tsukki-desu
IM SORRY I forgot to tag y’all the first time AGAIN😖👆
wanna be added to the tag list? Comment on the post HERE
#bungou stray dogs#bsd imagines#bungou stray dogs x reader#bsd chuuya#bsd x reader#bsd dazai#chuuya nakahara#bsd headcanons#dazai x y/n#dazai osamu#dazai x you#bungou stray dogs dazai#dazai headcanons#dazai x reader#chuuya imagines#chuuya headcanons#chuuya x y/n#chuuya x reader#chuuya x you#atsushi nakajima#bsd atsushi#atsushi x you#atsushi headcanons#ranpo x you#ranpo edogawa#ranpo x reader#ranpo headcanons
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tonal shifts and cop outs in ousama ranking
just a short little post to air my thoughts out on the Tumblr laundry line...
the first half of Ousama Ranking is perfect to me. incredible characterisation, plot, tension, animation and music. The second half is still good yes, but some episodes feel draggy and the pace stagnates. One example is episode 15, the fight in the dungeon with King Desha. While still fun to watch, it was a rather relaxed episode with not much progress in plot. Just Domas mucking around and getting his balls kicked lol. Episode 16 totally makes up for it though.
Also, the fight with Ouken takes forever, and stretches out for like 4 to 5 episodes. He just doesn't go down, and characters are made to go against him again and again. It gets tiring. It's like he needs to be there in order to fill up time and for the story to have some tension.
I notice that high tension moments are frequently interspersed with more goofy scenes. Like when Bosse shows up, Kage, Bojji and Despa do a happy dance. Okay... I get that they're relieved that someone is there to help them, but Ouken is RIGHT THERE. Danger is still imminent and they're acting like the day is saved and Bosse is gonna make everything right.
It is important to balance intense story beats with light hearted ones as well, and the first half of OR does it well. One episode, where prince daida is forced to drink a father smoothie, was very dark and gruesome. Following this episode is one where Bojji and Kage have an adventure in the underworld and train under despa.
Both episodes further the plot, but one of them provides relief and respite from the tension and darkness of the previous episode. This lets the viewer rest emotionally and take a break to prepare for the emotional damage of the later episodes.
lastly I would like to talk about healing magic as a deus ex machina and a total cop out on the author's part. most of the time it is used well, like hiling healing bojji's injuries, Mitsumata's injuries, dorshe's injuries etc. This is because it makes sense for Hiling to do so. She loves bojji so she heals him. Bojji wanted her to heal mitsumata so she did. And she stayed and used all her might to heal Dorshe, because she cares about him and is grateful for his service to her, and she wants to save him. Other times... it lacks the emotional depth and instead comes off as "oh come on did you need to do that?"
Hiling used the last of her power to heal Apeas, when he probably should have died. He has betrayed hiling time and again, and still gets healed. Hiling just... forgave him then and there? I get she's a good person at heart, but forgiving him so easily feels like a quick way to solve the problem of Apeas being a backstabbin betraying shit. (Domas at least only betrayed bojji once... tho im not happy about it). Clearly, the author wanted the Big 4 to band together and fight Ouken. Which is fine. I'm not against healing Apeas I just wanted a better reason.
Hiling could have said "I haven't forgiven you yet Apeas, but I need you to protect my son with all you have." And then healed him. Now that I would have been okay with.
all in all, ousama ranking is still extremely good, it just falls short in some areas. I hope the anime ends off on a strong note, and we don't get a silly weak ending that leaves us on some bad cliffhanger.
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Okay bc im curious and I don't think we've talked about it (well we've talked some stuff, but not Grand Scheme level of stuff) but!!!! I'd love to know, if you had the option to change the canon story of TBB after Aftermath, how would you have wanted the show to go? Like, with their adventures, getting their chips out, saving Cross, character cameos/deaths, what would you have taken out of the show, what would you have added, etc.!
I Trust and Adore your ideas over canon and I have been struck with Interest, and I'd love to hear what you'd have done with the show post Aftermath, if you're okay with sharing!
HMM.
Well, I...
I'm always the most interested in emotional depth/exploration with the characters, and I think it would have been very interesting to see how the boys would really react to losing Cross (if we are going with the 'Cross is enslaved by the Empire' route).
They knew Cross for four years at minimum (and longer, in my headcanons) and he was their brother and their family.
Hunter, Wrecker and Tech would be so used to having Cross around, being their lookout and sniper, that I would have loved to actually see the brothers really react to losing him.
Have one of them call his name, expecting him to assist them, but no response comes. Hunter turns to look for Cross, then he remembers Cross isn't with them... that their sniper has turned on them, and they don't have their lookout.
Wrecker would look for his brother and make a joke that Cross would normally roll his eyes at or grumble about, but then Wrecker realizes that Cross isn't there... that his brother's gone, and they've left him behind. Wrecker doesn't have his competitions anymore, nor does he get to tease Cross, and Wrecker doesn't know what to think of losing his brother.
Tech's... even more withdrawn than normal. He does not express himself emotionally normally, but now he's even quieter and harder to read. He misses Crosshair, and yet doesn't know how to feel about Crosshair "betraying" them.
He always had Cross as his silent protector, and the one who would spend the most time with him and actually listen to his rambles, but now Cross is gone? Cross turned his back on his brothers and shot Wrecker?
The boys struggle to hide from the Empire, and have to learn how to live without the Galactic Republic giving them food and supplies any longer. I mean, in the end, the boys were raised to be soldiers, and that is all they know - and they don't have that old resource to fall back on.
I'd love an exploration not only into the loss of their brother, but how much they are unprepared for living in a world where they don't have an easy fall back they had during the Clone Wars.
I thought we would have this show start to reveal the way the Empire took over, digging its claws into everything, and how much stress that would put on the boys. Not only do they have to get used to living a life on the run, but they have to realize that all of their training means nothing now.
Of course, I'd want to see the boys start to talk about Cross and why he turned on them, though none of them are fully certain of the real reason behind his betrayal. I would keep Battle Scars to show the boys how dangerous the chips are, and to give the boys the idea behind their brother's betrayal - except I would have Wrecker apologize to his brothers, and show how they involuntarily are afraid of him because of what he almost did to them.
Say that Tech will flinch when Wrecker raises his hand towards him, even if Tech tries to fight the innate fear he has towards Wrecker at that moment, and Wrecker's heart breaks. He never intended to harm his brothers, and he becomes even more fiercely protective of his brothers after Battle Scars.
Once Tech starts to realize that his brother didn't willingly betray them, he puts all of his focus into how they can get Cross back. Reunion happens similarly to how it did in the show, except that they do try and rescue Cross - only for Cross' men to overpower his brothers and they take Cross back, wounding Hunter in the process.
Hunter can't lead for awhile and so Echo has to try and lead, while Wrecker and Tech struggle with taking care of Hunter and all of them try to adapt to having to rely on Echo and not their sergeant.
Crosshair keeps hunting them and, for each time he runs into his brothers, the control of the chip starts to break because he loves his brothers... and sees how broken they are.
They don't know what to do without their whole family around, and they are starting to break apart at the seams. They run into Cross eventually, and Cross fights the chip long enough to make it easier for his brothers to capture him.
Once they have his chip removed, Cross does everything he can to support his brothers - and to try and make them forgive him, since he believes they hate him.
Eventually he realizes his brothers don't hate him, and that they wanted him back the whole time. The brothers do everything they can to survive, and it's a struggle but they are whole again, and they are always better as a group.
Also, flash back episode, PLEASE. I want to see cadet Batch so, so badly! Let me see the boys meet up, and let me see tiny, baby Tech get his goggles, and Cross finally meet his brothers and have to learn to trust Hunter and Wrecker. Show us exactly why the Batch (especially Cross) hate regs, and how they grew up on Kamino.
I'm not certain my thoughts on the show in the long run, since we still have three episodes left, but I know for a fact I wanted to see more about Cross leaving them. That should have affected them far more than the show ever gave us...
#carifusaga#I don't like cameos that much as I want a story to be able to stand on its own#and not sure whether I'd have Omega or not#But in the matters of the boys and their brotherly bond?#I'd love to have seen more encounters with Cross#and actually have the boys respond to losing him#and give me post-Republic starting Empire!#I wanted to see how they worked/started#and how the boys would respond to a life without them being soldiers#and how they'd struggle without the resources the Republic afforded them#And give me Cadet!Batch#I WANT to see tiny cadet boys :(#Give Echo the chance to be the leader and have to realize they aren't soldiers any longer#but men on the run desperate to live and survive each day#(also explore his PTSD and how he struggled to deal with working with the Batch and their different tactics)#Give Wrecker his emotional intelligence and show him as our fierce older brother who struggles with what he did in Battle Scars#And let Tech show emotions! Let him break down emotionally about Cross' betrayal#And have him struggle with believing that Cross could have turned on them while also knowing Cross wouldn't do that#Not Tech's Crosshair... his best friend and strongest supporter. Tech knows Cross couldn't do that... but he struggles#And Hunter... oh Hunter...#Believing that he left Cross behind and betrayed his brother#that the weight of the world rests on Hunter's shoulders and all he wants to do is protects his brothers#Crosshair does everything he can to make up for what he did... and fights for his brothers like he never did before#Just... give me emotional depth#Please!#Give me actual character development#this is what I could think of for now... don't know how the last three episodes will change my heart#But ahhhhhhh thank you for asking!#sorry for rambling so much hhh#long
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alright thats it im writing my wilbur paradigm shift rant
A quick preface! I joined the fandom very late, like in Jan 2021 late. I haven’t experienced much of wilbur’s character live. But, I’m still throwing my two cents out here. Also, all this is about Wilbur’s dream smp character.
So, I’ve seen a lot of conversation around when Wilbur’s spiral truly started; with losing the election, in pogtopia, or all the way back at Eret’s betrayal. And additionally I’ve seen talk of where Wilbur’s character is right now. I think I have a solution(?) for both. Wilbur did experience a breaking point during the revolution, at Eret’s betrayal, and while it may be considered the root of his spiral there is a different thing at play in my mind. What Wilbur experienced at Eret’s betrayal was a paradigm shift.
For those unaware, a paradigm shift is something that happens when someone’s core beliefs are fundamentally challenged, and your entire world view is shaken. An example of this may be if someone falls out of a religion, or falls into one, or even something quite small. All of us have experienced paradigm shifts, and will continue to. We don’t have the same beliefs that we did as children after all.
There are three general ways to react to a paradigm shift: you continue to cling to your previous notion, despite knowing it isn’t true; you swing to the complete opposite of your previous belief; or you build a new paradigm with all the information you now have. Eret’s betrayal was the root of Wilbur’s paradigm shift, and he went through all three reactions.
Before Eret’s betrayal, we saw Wilbur’s leadership skills, his beliefs in his community, in the ideals of freedom and “sticking it to the man”, and of protecting those he cared about. We saw the trust he placed in all of original L’Manburgians, and that he trusted and cared enough to go to war for their perceived needs of freedom. I’m not here to debate the revolution, hell I wasn’t around during it. But Eret’s betrayal shook Wilbur’s paradigm of absolute trust.
I would even argue Wilbur’s beliefs of words over violence stem from this comradery and belief that the people he trusts are the most important thing to him. I will admit, I don’t have a strong handle on Wilbur pre-L’Manburg. But I think it’s fair to note the shift in Wilbur even back then.
To get back to the paradigm: After Eret’s betrayal, Wilbur’s paradigm is broken, and at first he clings to it despite it being shattered. We see this with him running for president; he’s trying to grasp on to that sense of duty and trust and the power of words he believed so much in. But, then Quackity points out that it’s a power grab, and more people show support for other parties, and more L’Manburgians also attempt to run. And Wilbur’s paradigm continues to be challenged.
Losing the election is when Wilbur abandons his paradigm. It had already been shattered by Eret, but the election’s loss has solidified in his mind that he was wrong in what he believed during the revolution. And so he moves into the second form of coping with a paradigm shift: he goes to the complete opposite belief. No one around me are worthy of trust, words have no power, and the ideals L’manburg was founded on are wrong and corrupt.
(and just as a little storytelling nerd-out moment: That’s the kicker to me. Wilbur’s paradigm shift is something I find so fascinating because his paradigm was what quite literally shaped the world he lived in, and the world of so many others. Tommy still holds true to the paradigm Wilbur helped him shape, and while his has been challenged in so many ways (like by Wilbur’s spiral in Pogtopia, by Dream in exile, by Doomsday, by the prison; the list goes on), he has always continued to take the healthiest route of fixing it. By adapting and growing, while holding on to some of those core values that still ring true. Like trust. And seeing what happened to the literal embodiment of Wilbur’s paradigm even after he was gone makes it truly emotionally moving.)
So we move into Pogtopia, and Wilbur’s paradigm has yet to heal. He continues to spiral, he lashes out at those around him, and he plots to destroy L’manburg. Because, as I mentioned in my aside, L’manburg is the physical manifestion of Wilbur’s first paradigm. And now he can’t stand it.
And so L’manburg falls, and so does Wilbur. And through the lens of the circumstances of his death, as well as what we now know of his communication with Phil, his last speech gives us more insight into this paradigm. L’manburg was always his. It was the beliefs of a man who now refuses every single part of them that he used to hold dear. But it was also those beliefs that he continued to preach to his father in letters that eventually stopped being sent. And those beliefs were flipped in Pogtopia, like black to white and white to black, and have now been crushed by rubble.
But Wilbur dies, L’manburg rebuilds, with the ideals of new leaders and new struggles. Ideals of protection, and peace, and trust. And Ghostbur joins the game.
Ghostbur is an interesting character to me. In the lens of Wilbur’s paradigm, he is everything Wilbur believed without the fighting spirit. He is a good representation of what I understand of New L’Manburg; peaceful, and passive, and trusting. That trust, I think, is what Wilbur holds as the core of his paradigm. It’s what truly got shattered with Eret, what was abandoned in Pogtopia, and what is echoed in Ghostbur. Ghostbur trusts everyone he comes across, and we as the audience now get to see how naive that trust truly is. It gets Ghostbur lost in the snow while Tommy suffers, it get Friend killed during Doomsday, and it is eventually what gets Ghostbur killed, and gets Wilbur back.
Wilbur was dead for a long time, from his perspective. And right now, he’s seeing the world again. He knows now that his feelings in Pogtopia were self destructive and wrong. And he doesn’t want to feel like that again. What we are seeing now is Wilbur building a new paradigm.
“My L’manburg.” “My sunrise.”
Wilbur is exploring the new world of the SMP, and as an audience his actions are often confusing and contradictory. He’s grasping for straws, flitting between new places and attempting to rebuild bridges without truly fixing them. He’s trying to regain trust and build a new paradigm.
Wilbur, while being guite a morally grey character, has always shown very black and white thinking. Now that he’s back, he’s continuing those habits of absolutes but showing more of his awareness of those moral greys. Before, we got him jumping from believing himself to be a ‘good guy’ to a ‘bad guy’. We went from the ‘us versus them’ mentality of the revolution to the same mindset echoed poorly in the election, to ‘everyone versus me’ in Pogtopia.
Absolute trust like what Ghostbur had didn’t work. No trust like Pogtopia Wilbur had didn’t work. The community Wilbur built as a leader betrayed him. And so he goes to Phil and thanks him for killing him and asks for a place to stay. And so he says he would have murdered Dream for what he did to Tommy but he claims Dream’s his hero. And so he goes to Quackity and asks to be his servant, he lashes out when Quackity rejects him, and he clings to Tommy’s trust like it’s all he has. And in many ways, it is. Wilbur hasn’t been with anyone in over 13 years. And so he lies and he jokes and he lashes out, and begs Tommy not to leave while claiming right after that he doesn’t care. He hasn’t had anyone place trust in him or had anyone to trust. He’s taking any sign of remote kindness as something he can latch on to, and Dream bringing him back is a very sturdy olive branch. Wilbur wants trust. And yet he knows how it fails.
And so the sunrise is his, just like L’manburg was, but it’s not quite built on anything yet. And we have to only hope the paradigm Wilbur builds this time is healthy and stable.
#dsmp#wilbur#dsmp wilbur#dsmp analysis#dsmp wilbur analysis#soopspeaks#please reblog this i worked so hard#character analysis#long post#c!wilbur#c!wilbur analysis#mught jump off the deep end and go more in to Tommy's experience with Wilbur's paradigm#or i might just pass out
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The Story Of Many (Request)
Chris Evans x younger sister!reader
Genre: Angst, fluff
Request Description: reader is Chris Evans younger sister/co-star and she is staring in a role that is very emotionally draining (like Tom Holland in Cherry or Zendaya in Euphoria) and the role gets to much for her mental health and Chris comforts/reassures her
Warnings: child abuse (in reader’s role), depression, anxiety, pills
(A/N): some of you guys started sending requests and im super duper excited!! hahaha,, i just realized that some of your actually read my shitty authors notes oh shit
It was rare that you and your family could all be there for dinner, and it was always rather enjoyable. Your sisters of course had their own lives, and things to take care of. Chris and Scott, your older brothers, always had busy schedules, requiring them to be far from home. Now you had joined that circus, as you had also turned to acting.
Naturally, being the youngest in the Evans family, you’d gotten a lot of attention. Although, you felt like you had gained popularity on your own, and you were proud of your accomplishments.
Lately, you’d been filming a movie surrounding the topic of child abuse. You played one of the teens that were being abused, and there were some pretty heavy scenes in it. It was meant to showcase the toll it takes on a kid. And it had certainly taken a toll on you.
Being a very method actor, it was hard for you sometimes to get out of that headspace. The mind of a tortured child, someone who no one loved, and someone who lashed out at others because they had nothing else.
You’d secretly started taking some antidepressants, just for the time being. You just couldn’t bear going home from set and crying yourself to sleep, or numbly watching television until 3 AM. But you didn’t want to let your family worry. It would all stop when you were done with the move anyway.
“Y/n?” Chris’ voice snapped you out of your thoughts. He was looking at you with those protecting blue eyes, worried as always. Your other siblings and parents were still talking, completely unaware of the bubble of seriousness that had entrapped you and Chris. “You okay?”
You nodded simply, picking up your fork to grab some of your untouched food. Chris didn’t seem convinced.
“You’re just not very talkative lately..” he mumbled, piercing his own food. “How’s the role? What are you working on?”
“Uh, it’s a movie about child abuse. To shed more light on it. I play one of the kids,” you saw flatly. You avoided diving into the more sensitive parts of your role, afraid that you might shatter in front of your brother. For once, you didn’t want to be the younger sister, you just wanted to be Y/n Evans.
When you told him what it was about, something seemed to click with Chris. He had certainly experienced something along the same lines as you, and said with a small smile of understanding: “I get it. Those roles can really mess with your mood. Don’t let it affect you too much though.”
That was all you and Chris said on the matter the rest of the dinner. You tried to enjoy it as much as you could. Everything just seemed so dull and gray. When dinner was over, you scurried to the bathroom. Soon everyone would leave and go to their respective homes.
You looked in the mirror and something, the part of you that could’ve enjoyed dinner, just withered away. So many kids couldn’t enjoy a dinner with their families. So many kids had terrible parents, parents who despised them. Parents who did horrible things to them. You closed your eyes, leaning over the sink. As tears dribbled down the drain, you felt like nothing but an unloved child, broken and with a head in a storm.
Shaking, you reached out your hand to grab your pills. They rattled in their plastic bottles.
“Y/n?” it was his voice again. Chris. Panicking, you sniffled trying to compose yourself. You sniffled, knowing he could hear it from the other side of the door, let go of the pill bottle and wiped your tears. Looking in the mirror, you knew it was still painfully obvious, and the thought only made you want to cry more.
“Y/n,” he repeated, “Open the door.”
He had that voice, that serious one that he only used when those boys pranked you in fourth grade, or when you fell from a tree and hurt yourself in kindergarten. He wanted to protect you.
Ashamed, you opened the door to the bathroom, and Chris wasted no time striding in.
“Y/n..” he mumbled, embracing you in a hug and pressing your head into his chest. You gasped and cried again, wrapping your arms around him and hugging him. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispered.
There was nothing better than being hugged by your brother. His arms just blocked you off from all the harm in the world, all the hurt children, and the evil parents, and the pills. Your breathing calmed slowly.
You stood like that, so peacefully, until you felt him move his arms from you. You flinched at the sound of rattling pills. You pulled away, taking a step back.
Chris looked hurt. Betrayed. He clenched the pill bottle in his hand, shaking his head, utterly speechless.
“Y/n, you can’t not tell us about this. You- You.. Does mom and dad know?” He was outraged, eyes glistening. You shook your head in shame. His hand clenched the plastic container harder, knuckles whitening, before he threw it angrily.
The container hit the wall with a rattle, and then bounced back onto the floor, lying there alone on the reflective tiles.
“It’s just this role. God, it’s been.. It’s been so tough on me. And this is the story of one family! But at the same time it’s the story of so many families. I just go there and act these things, and I feel like I’m rotting away, Chris. I don’t know what to do!” You yelled, lip quivering. Your knees buckled and you feel down on the tiles. Chris jumped to help you, but you scooted away, hugging your knees and hiding your head. You felt pathetic.
You heard shuffling and then felt a hand on your knee. His thumb brushed over it gently and calmingly.
“Look.. Roles can do that to you. I’ve never experienced it like this, but.. It just means that you’re a phenomenal actor, trust me. What’s not so phenomenal, is that you’re bringing these feelings with you home,” it was only in moments like these, where you could really appreciate Chris’ voice. He had a way of always sounding so calm, like he knew precisely that everything was how it was supposed to be.
“Chris, I can’t.. I don’t know how to keep them away,” instinctively, at the sound of your vulnerable voice, Chris wrapped his arm around you again, pulling you into him. You sat on the bathroom floor together.
“I think the best thing you can do, is talk to a therapist. They’ll be able to teach you how to put those things away better than anyone else. I promise you it’ll be worth it, N/n.”
You nodded, agreeing with him. It was so crazy, you thought, how your problems seemed to melt away, when Chris got his hands on them. He rocked you back and forth, and for once, you were so content being his little sister, just because he would help you like this, just because he could.
“Should I set that up for you?”
“Yes, please.”
“Okay, and I don’t want to hear no nonsense about any pills anymore, alright?”
“Alright.”
Once that was declared, you just sat there, you just stayed, peacefully, and you knew for the first time in a long time, that everything would be all right. With Chris by your side, everything would be okay.
#Chris Evans#Chris Evans x reader#captain america#captain america x reader#avengers cast x teen!reader#avengers#avengers cast x reader#avengers x reader#avengers x teen!reader#captain america x teen!reader#marvel#marvel x reader
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hey, i saw you asked a while ago why dream & techno apologists are apologists for those characters (and you liked a bunch of my posts concerning that, actually) i was wondering if you still have any more questions - and also i wanted to ask if you wanted to talk a bit about c!tommy and what makes you like him so much? like is it just the emotional attachment to him? is it the trauma? anything specific about the way in which he is written? i've always watched his pov & i'm very curious! / - red
yo yo yo hey!
I think I understand it a bit more now, for the dream & techo apologists, I think I’m still a bit confused when it comes to technoblade. I see a lot about people only using him as a weapon/ him not being able to trust people / no one sticking up for him and I’m not sure where it comes from? In all fairness, I only know him as the guy who executed Tubbo / spawned withers but im assuming that’s in large part because I came into the story so late (iirc I didn’t really get into the dsmp until around doomsday, and I got most information of past events just by like. osmosis or reading wikis) so I might simply just not have enough information on techno to get it. Like, he executed Tubbo under a lot of pressure iirc but that doesn’t take away from the fact he did execute him? or things with the withers, I know technoblade doesn’t like the government and I’d go as far as to say he has a point, but was it really necessary to destroy lmanburg (iirc, multiple times). I know he was mad, but I feel like he shouldn’t have taken in that far, like from what I see and understand it’s like yes he had his points but he hurt people and doesn’t seem to care that he hurt anybody, just kinda stands there assuming he’s right about everything and not rlly looking at the situation from anyone else’s perspective. That being said like I said I came into the story really late and so my arguments might be able to be chalked up to just a lack of proper context, and even if I’m kinda annoyed at Technoblade’s behavior I still like him as a character & when techno does stream I enjoy the content so I’m not like a technoblade hater or anything I just don’t see why people can be apologists for him bcos from my pov he’s just kind of hurt people and not taken any personal responsibility for it (I mean this as in acknowledging to himself he was ever in the wrong; ex. The whole Tommy / techno betrayal situation which I think was a p complicated matter to be fair he just keeps saying over and over how Tommy betrayed him and it doesn’t seem to me like he’s even bothering to look at the situation from Tommy’s pov or rlly reflect on his own actions at all)
I just rlly like Tommy! I think at least some part of it can be chalked up to Tommy being the first streamer I watched in the dsmp and one of the ones I watch the most from (half the time I’m watching the dsmp it’s a Tommy stream) so there’s just gonna be some inherent bias towards him there like there is with literally any of these streamers. As you put it, it is kinda the trauma, haha. trauma and emotional attachment lol. I think part of it is I relate to him a lot, and I can see where he’s coming from on a lot of things, and I also just like the way his character is written. Smthn abt him that people have pointed out is that his trauma isn’t pretty and romanticized it’s ugly and yk he acts out and all that, which I appreciate. I can see where he’s coming from on a lot of things or at least understand why he thinks the way he does. I like seeing him learn and grow I like seeing his arcs both personally with himself and with other people. He’s an interesting and complex character and he’s been through a lot and I think it’s just super interesting to see how what he’s gone though affects his mental state and his actions as a character, like just from like a mental analysis standpoint there’s a lot to talk about which I think is pretty cool. this isn’t to say that he’s never fucked up or done anything wrong, because he has, but to be fair so has everyone else on this server I don’t think there’s a single member of the server who’s done nothing wrong (except maybe like. Charlie. Charlie my beloved). He’s made his mistakes but every good character fucks up that’s what makes them a good character is their flaws and so with the ways that he’s messed up and the ways he’s hurt people I’m an apologist because I can see why he acts that way, where the feelings and actions are coming from and I can forgive him for it because I understand the why. Also I just think the punishments he’s received for his actions are rlly unfair, easy ex with exile he did something many people on the server have already done at one point or another and was exiled and mentally broken down over it and rlly it’s just been like one thing after another and even if he’s made mistakes he gets way more harshly punished than I think was fair. I’ve seen people talk about how annoying and selfish his character is and when I read the posts (not all of them, there’s a nice chunk of people who are civil about it) it just seems like they’re not rlly thinking abt his character and his experiences. I’ll see people explain his signs of trauma and say it’s annoying because it’s not soft crying trauma it’s messy acting out trauma which it’s just like you do not understand this at all, do you? Or with the discs, I’ll be honest with you here. I will defend Tommy’s attachment to these stupid little music discs till the day I die. Why can’t he have his discs? They’re his , they’re not even that valuable outside of the fact that they’re his, why can’t he have things? why isn’t he aloud to have items he’s attached to without someone taking them for the sole reason of he likes them. And all I see is people saying he is selfish and cares about the discs more than people, which is literally disproven in the rp. Ranboo flat out says he’s not selfish, when Tommy takes the blame for George’s house (also keeping in mind here tommy and ranboo barely knew each other at the time, and if Tommy was actually selfish he could’ve very easily dragged Ranboo down with him) and when it comes to the discs he’s given up the discs multiple times in favor of helping other people (he gave them up for lmanburg, and then for Tubbo I think twice actually) and the one time he told someone the discs were worth more than they were, that was the moment yeah made him realize he didn’t like who he was becoming and he immediately backtracked and allowed the disc to be handed over. TL;DR he’s not selfish he’s just got a lot of strong attachments and his attachments are both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. And he’s a kid, he’s been though a lot of things, he’s got a lot of trauma he’s dealing
with and it’s not always pretty but he gets better, he has his arcs and he gets better and learns from some of his actions, and I think looking at him and his yk. Timeline and character development and arcs and his whole like mental deal and just general character choices are super interesting and I find it fun, as someone who enjoys character analysis, and all in all I love him I relate to him in some ways and some of it also might just be emotional attachment and bias towards him as Tommy being one of my comfort streamers
& it’s fully possible someone could have just as much of an argument for c!techno, my deal w looking at c!tommy making mistakes and c!techno making mistakes and being able to be an apologist for Tommy and not for techno is more about me understanding tommy’s character better and understand the reasoning and the why behind the things he says and does, vs. techno who i dont really get and i can’t be an apologist for him if I don’t understand anything hes doing or why he’s doing it and then seeing him over and over dismiss other peoples perspectives and never rlly reflecting on himself (not to say Tommy couldn’t use at least a little of that himself- I am Looking over at his relationship w Jack Manifold lol) can be kinda frustrating but as I said earlier that might just be me not knowing all the proper context
I could probably write more about Tommy especially when it comes to the whole technoblade vs Tommy thing but this post is already way longer than you probably ever wanted to read so I’ll stop now I’m sorry I’m just hyperfixated haha and yk if anyone wants to like add arguments or points or if you or someone rlly likes technoblade or dream or whoever and wants to talk to me about that go ahead I encourage that like I rlly enjoy having those conversations w ppl provided theyre civil abt it bc like we’ve all said a million times over before eveyone in the dsmp is an unreliable narrator and you’re just going to automatically have a bias towards a character if you watch their POV most and all that so. Yk I am a tommy apologist but I watch his streams most and I’m also just emotionally attached so anything I can say has to be taken w a grain of salt bcos I’m biased towards his character
#Long post#ask#anon#red#tommyinnit#c!tommy#technoblade#c!techno#c!technoblade#DSMP#dream smp#Tommy apologist#technoblade apologist#I’m so sorry I talked way more than I intended to whoops !!!!#That’s my two cents
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