realizing my s/o might be a covert narcissist 🙃

“Epilogue”

Word Count: 19.2k (a long one, but it didn’t feel right to split it up)

(Epilogue for ‘Goodnight and Go’)

Warnings: Mentions of physical abuse, oral sex (m and f receiving), fingering (f receiving) and unprotected sex

⋆★★⋆

*Late winter - a little over three years since the wedding*

*It will be notated in the chapter when the song is meant to start. I highly encourage you to start it when it comes into play, but you can also do whatever your sweet heart desires!*

Sitting in my go to cafe, I jot down another thought into my journal as I take a sip of my black coffee. Today had been a heavy mental day, and I just needed to get out of my house to clear my head. My therapist tasked me with taking up journaling at the end of my first month of therapy - my fourth session. She asked me to start out with lists that she would give me, but then after a while she told me just to jot down whatever came to mind. Even though I wasn't actively in therapy anymore, I still held onto this - it was enough for me to not have to go to an appointment every week.

I was proud of myself for that. I've been able to use the tools given to me to be able to tend to my own mind, and to talk myself down - only having to see my therapist when absolutely necessary.

I couldn't pinpoint why today in particular had my mind so boggled though. There wasn't anything upcoming that I was stressed about that I could think of off the top of my head.

My pen continues to scratch over the page, and I feel that my eyebrows are narrowed in concentration as I let out thought after thought. I could feel the fog in my mind starting to ease with each line, but still...it didn't seem to be enough.

As much as I have gotten a good grip on myself and my emotions, there were days that I still just felt...off. Today was definitely one of them. It wasn't so much anxiousness or nervousness that I was feeling - something that I've battled with for the past two years. It was something different. It was something that I couldn't exactly put my finger on, and I think that's what caused my mind to race from the moment I opened my eyes this morning.

The cafe was bustling on this Saturday morning, and I was lucky that I was able to get my usual two seat table in the back corner. Although I can hear the baristas loud and clear from here, the rest of the noise in the cafe seems to drown due to how far back I am.

"Order for Carter!"

My pen stops, and I take a moment to blink at the page.

It can't be her.

Shaking my head, I push the thought from my mind as I chew on my bottom lip - trying to figure out how to phrase what I want to write down next.

It's not until I see a streak of red hair out of my peripheral that I finally look up.

There's no mistaking the woman smiling as she picks up her cup off the counter. She digs into her bag, and I can see that she's given the barista a postcard with an illustration of a flower on it. There's some kind of quote on the back, and by the look on the barista's face, it must be something kind, or inspirational.

Before I can even think about it, I push myself up from my seat to get a better look. My movement must have been caught out of the corner of her eye because it's barely a few seconds later that she's looking at me.

She holds her paper cup in both hands as we stare at each out from a ways across the cafe - her expression unreadable.

I hadn't seen her since the wedding. After that, she disappeared from my life completely. I had tried for months to reach her, but I never got any response. Gwen had told me she had tried to do the same. I'd only found out just in the past year that was a lie.

No one saw Carter that first Christmas after everything.

After that, the holidays were always separated due to the fact that Carter and Gwen's parents divorced only a few months after the wedding. I knew that  Carter spent the holidays with her father while Gwen and I spent them with mother. Their parents hardly had any communication with each other, and I knew that their mother hadn't attempted to reach out to Carter at all - something she made very clear whenever she could.

I should've realized then what this all would become.

Carter's brown eyes look around for a moment before she starts to walk over to me, and I immediately feel my hands begin to shake.

"Harry," she says, just barely meeting my eyes now that she was closer to me. "Hi."

"Hi, Carter," my voice almost sounds strained as I speak, and I clear my throat almost immediately. "I...I didn't know you were visiting."

"Oh, no," she shakes her head. "I'm not visiting. I moved back a couple of months ago. This place has become a regular spot for me. I don't live too far from here."

I raise my eyebrows at her words, and it's then I can see she's looking past me to get a view of the table I had been sitting at - as if she were looking for someone else.

"Do you want to sit?" I ask, turning around and gesturing to the chair across from the one I had been occupying. "I'm here by myself."

Carter takes a moment before she nods. "Okay."

I pull the seat out for her, which earns me a small 'thank you', before I sit back in my own seat. Carter turns to hang her bag on the back of her chair before she's facing forward once more - both of her hands finding their way around her cup again.

Her eyes look down at my journal, and I quickly close it - pulling it from the table to slip into the green tote bag I had brought with me.

"You journal?" She asks, tilting her head to the side.

"Uh, yeah," I lift a hand to rub the back of my neck. I've never really talked to anyone but my therapist about my journaling before. "For about a year or so now."

Carter hums as she nods, pursing her lips to the side. "I do too, but I'm going on about two and a half years. I picked it up when I started therapy."

My chest aches as I can see a sheen of sadness in her eyes for a moment before it disappears. "I started it up for the same reason too."

I can tell this surprises her, and silence blankets over us for a moment.

"Are you still tattooing?" I ask - grimacing when I realize just how awkward this feels between us.

"I am," I watch as a large smile creeps onto Carter's face. "I'm actually working at the shop with Duncan again. He was nice enough to hire me back as soon as I told him I'd be moving home. He was thrilled, actually."

"Of course he was," I say, laughing a bit. "You're exceptional at what you do, Carter. Any shop would be lucky to have you."

Carter's cheeks flush due to my compliment, and I watch as she lifts her cup to her mouth. She hisses quickly as she pulls it away, and I know she's burned her tongue.

"Here," I reach forward without hesitation to take the cup from her.

Her eyes are trained on my every move as I pull the lid off the cup, setting it down on a napkin on the table. This was something I did for her quite often when we were in college. There was a bookstore/coffee shop that we frequented a few days a week, and Carter was never one to be patient and wait for her drink to cool properly. I started doing this as a quick solution without her even asking. It just became a habit for me.

I can tell her eyes are on my left hand, and then she looks up at me. "You...you're not..."

"I'm not...what?"

Carter looks back at my hand before looking at my face again. "You're not wearing your ring."

My eyebrows knit together as I look at her. "Carter," I start, and I can tell she's genuinely curious as to why that particular piece of jewelry is missing. "Gwen and I are divorced."

Her eyes widen for a moment, and I watch as the color leaves her face. "O-Oh....oh," she says, straightening up in her chair as she drops her hands to her lap. I can tell she's running her palms over her thighs as she shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Harry, I-I didn't-"

"You didn't know?"

Carter shakes her head again, and I can see with the way her chest is moving that she's trying to take deep breaths.

"Hey," I whisper, leaning forward to take one of her hands in mine from underneath the table - thankful that this table wasn't too big so I was able to reach across to her easily. "It's okay. It actually doesn't surprise me that you wouldn't know."

I run my thumb along her knuckles, and I can tell it's starting to soothe her as she finally looks up from the table to make eye contact with me.

"My dad had said that Gwen moved away, but I figured that meant you did too. That's why I was a bit shocked to see you here," she says, and I can tell she's trying to put it all together. "I don't think he even knows you guys have separated. My mom had only told him about the move."

I can't help but roll my eyes at that. Another thing that didn't shock me. Their mother didn't want their father, or Carter, to know about the divorce. She didn't want Gwen to look like she failed at something.

"She did move," I give Carter's hand one more squeeze before sitting back in my chair - our touch separating. "About five months ago. We've been separated for almost a year and a half. She left a few months after the divorce was completely finalized."

Carter's face shows that she's completely dumbfounded by this information, but she's trying to keep it together. "That's...that's why I moved back, you know? Because I thought you both were gone."

Her words sting, but I can't hold them against her. We wronged her, Gwen and I both, and I don't ever expect her to forgive me for the way that I treated her while I was with Gwen. I know that if anyone had treated me the way I did her, I'd never speak to them again.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable by asking you to sit with me. I didn't know you thought I was gone too," I tell her, and now I'm the one gripping my thighs. "You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I more than understand if I'm the last person you ever wish to talk to."

Looking down at my lap, I pick at my cuticles as I wait to hear her chair slide across the floor. But I don't.

I look up to see Carter still looking at me, and she shakes her head. "I chose to sit here, Harry. I'm okay, I promise."

I give her a small nod, but I immediately look back down at my lap.

A few seconds pass before I hear her clear her throat. "I like your hair. I never thought I'd see you with it so short."

I can't help but smile at her words, and I look at her once more. "Yeah? It's not weird without the curls?"

"I mean...it's a little weird," Carter smirks, and I know she's trying to help our playful banter come out again. "But they look like they're on the verge of growing back. I'm enjoying this little faux hawk thing you have going on though."

She lifts her drink to her lips and takes a sip - not flinching away from the liquid this time, so I know it's cooled down properly for her.

"It feels nice," I shrug. "Healthy and all. I buzzed it completely when the divorce was finalized. It was therapeutic, honestly."

"Oh? I wish I could've seen it buzzed," she giggles, pursing her lips to the side before speaking again. "I get the whole changing your hair thing though. I went brunette a few months after I left."

"Did you really?"

"Yeah, let me see. I'm sure I still have some pictures on my phone," she says before digging into her bag.

She swipes on her screen for a while before turning her phone to face me. "See?"

Even though I know it's Carter in this picture, it's not my Carter. She's smiling for the camera, but there's a dimness behind her eyes that I've never seen from her. She was unhappy - that much was clear.

"Oh, wow," I say, giving her a half grin so as to not disappoint her. "It definitely suited you, but I have to be biased when it comes to the red. It's just you."

"Yeah, I like the red too - I like being natural and all that."

She drops her phone back into her purse before I go to speak again.

"So, did you move back by yourself or..."

"Yeah, just me, and my little black cat, Ichabod," I can see her face light up as she mentions her cat, and it causes a warmth in my chest. "I had been seeing this guy for a little over a year, and I broke up with him about...half a year ago now? It just wasn't working out."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I tell her genuinely. "He wasn't bad to you, was he?"

"Oh, no," Carter shakes her head adamantly. "Not at all. He was actually very sweet, but I realized that even though I loved him, I wasn't in love with him anymore. So, I broke it off almost immediately after realizing that. I didn't want to string him along when I wasn't going to be one hundred percent in the relationship."

"And why do you think you weren't?" I ask, and I watch as Carter starts to play with the cardboard sleeve around her cup. "Why do you think you weren't one hundred percent in the relationship?"

Her eyes peer up at me underneath her lashes, but her face is still tilted slightly towards the table. "I think you and I both know why, Harry."

My stomach flutters when I realize what she's alluding to, but I don't want to press that conversation any further. Not here, and not after just seeing her again for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.

"Well, I'm sorry it didn't end up working out. You deserve all the happiness in the world."

"What makes you think that just because that ended that I'm unhappy? I'm actually the happiest I've been in a while since moving back," she tells me, but there's no aggression to her tone as she continues her explanation. "I've just been letting life take me where it wants for the most part, and yeah I get lonely sometimes, but it's okay. The quiet doesn't bother me anymore like it used to."

The confidence that I can see in her now is admirable. She's so sure of herself, and I can tell she means what she says.

Carter is happy.

"Can I ask what it was that you handed the barista earlier?" I have a feeling that whatever that was plays into this newfound self that I can see she has.

"Oh, those are just little postcards I make for fun. I do them in series, I guess? Like right now they're all different flowers, and the quotes on the back have to do with either growth, or rebirth," she explains, leaning forward onto the table a bit. "I keep them in my bag, and I hand them out to people who I feel need them, or someone who's shown me kindness that day. It's nice to see their reactions."

Carter has always had a big heart, and it makes me ecstatic to see that hasn't changed despite what those closest to her have put her through.

As happy as it makes me to see her own growth, there's also a part of me that's sad that I missed it. But the guilt is what chews at me the most. The guilt of just letting her slip through my fingers like I did.

"Oh, shit, what's the time?" I hear Carter ask before she pulls out her phone again. "I need to be at the shop in ten minutes. I'm sorry, I've gotta go."

"That's okay, I was just finishing up too. Let me walk you out?" I ask, and she looks over to me after stopping her slightly frantic movements.

"Sure, yeah."

She puts the lid on her drink as I stand and put the strap of my tote over my shoulder, and soon we're both heading towards the entrance of the cafe. I hold the door open for her as we step outside, and we move over onto the sidewalk so that we're not blocking the door as we stop.

"It was really good seeing you, Carter," I tell her honestly. "And I know it might be too much of me to ask, and you can absolutely say no, but do you think we could meet up again sometime?"

Carter chews on her bottom lip as she contemplates my request before she nods. "Yeah, I think that would be okay. I think I'd like that."

I can tell I have the stupidest smile on my face when I hear her agree. "Okay, yeah, uhm, let me just get my phone out for you to put your new-"

"I have the same number," she interrupts me, and I could tell she was a bit hesitant to say that considering she never once responded to me when I tried to reach out. "And I still have your number too."

I don't say anything in response to that because I understand why she did what she did. I give her a nod, slipping my phone back into my pocket.

"Okay, well, I'll text you so we can plan something, alright?"

"That sounds good."

We stand there for a moment, and I can tell neither of us really know how to end the conversation.

"Did you ever get your heart tattoo?" Carter blurts out, and I can see it was something she had been itching to ask me this whole time.

I laugh softly. "You remember that?"

She nods while giving me a small shrug. "It just stuck with me."

"I haven't, no," I say. "I actually haven't gotten anything since before...everything."

"You mean like before the wedding?"

"Yeah," I sigh, running the tip of my tongue along the inside of my bottom lip. "Didn't really have the motivation or inspiration to get anything new."

Carter stares at me for a moment before speaking again. "Well, if you want to still get it done, I'd be more than happy to do it for you. Just text me when you're free, and I'll see if it lines up with what I have booked right now."

"Wait, are you serious?" I ask. I'm taken completely by surprise that she would offer to do this so quickly after just seeing each other again.

"Well, you told me you wanted me to be the one to do it, right?" She asks playfully as she bumps her shoulder against mine. "I'm not letting anyone else tattoo that on you."

"I guess when you put it that way," I say as if she's twisting my arm, which causes her to let out a noise of disappointment - having her now shove my arm. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I wouldn't want anyone else doing it for me either."

Carter looks up at me with a beaming smile, and for a moment I'm transported right back - as if things never changed. "Then it's settled. Just text me."

"I will."

She begins to walk away from me before she stops. "Oh, here!"

Walking back over, she digs in her bag and flips through something for a moment before she's extending one of her postcards out to me. "I think this one belongs to you."

I look down at it for a moment, and by the time I look back up, I can already see her back towards me in the distance. Shaking my head at her with a smile of my own, I look back down at the postcard to really study it.

On the front was just a plain line work illustration of a daffodil. I flip it over on the back, and I see this one in particular has two quotes. I read each of them over once, but then I find myself reading them again, and again once I process what they really mean.

"The people who are meant to be will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander." - UNKNOWN

•

"Souls tend to go back to who feels like home." - N.R. HART

⋆★★⋆

It's been a couple of weeks since I saw Carter at the coffee shop, but we had been texting almost every day. I didn't seem too eager, so I didn't text her about booking the tattoo until later that evening, and he she was able to fit me in today. Neither of us made any moves to ask about hanging out outside of my tattoo appointment, but I wanted to so badly.

When I got back to my place after running into her that afternoon, I immediately got on my computer and searched what a daffodil symbolizes. I was met with the answer that it meant 'rebirth and new beginnings' among a few other things, but those stuck out to me the most. She was sending me a signal that maybe we could build this again.

I knew that things were going to be different, it was almost impossible for things to go back to the way they were back then, but I desperately craved to be in Carter's presence again.

Her quote that she handed to me was right. She felt like home.

That was a feeling I hadn't experienced in a while - not even when I spent my first Christmas back in Holmes Chapel this past December. It felt weird going back there by myself, but I did find comfort in being back with my mother, especially since the divorce was still pretty fresh. I ended up staying with my parents for a little over a month. I had never been more thankful for my job allowing me to work from home more than during that time.

I didn't realize just how much time I needed away from everything until then. It gave me a chance to help clear my head, and I still met with my therapist over Zoom so that I kept up with my sessions. It wasn't until I got back that I made her aware that I thought I was doing okay on my own, and that I wanted to see her on a per needed basis going forward. She agreed that she thought that was appropriate, and I've only had to see her once since then.

The need to see her came after Gwen was back in town visiting her mother. She told me that after she moved she realized she had taken some stuff of mine, and she wanted to give it back. I had tried to convince her just to leave it on her mother's porch whenever she left, and that I'd come by and grab it once I knew she was gone, but she refused. I was tempted to tell her just to forget it, that I didn't want any of it back, and that was the truth until she rattled off what the box included. It wasn't until she said there was a spiral bound notebook with a tattered red cover that I knew I needed to get that box back.

That notebook was one that Carter and I used to write notes back and forth to each other in during the class where we first met.

It was obvious that Gwen hadn't gone through it. If she had, there was no way she would've wanted to give me something so sentimental back - especially since it included a piece of Carter. When I went over there to get the box from her, she was immediately in my ear the whole time. She was asking if I thought I had made the right decision divorcing her, and if I was happy with myself. She asked if I had found someone new - asked if they felt as good as she did it.

But it wasn't until she brought up Carter that I snapped.

"I swear to god, if you're with my 'pick me' of a little sister, then you're just pathetic," she had said, and that caused me to stop right where I was. I had been trying to get back to my car so I could pack the box up and leave.

"I think you're a bit mistaken, Gwen," I told her as I looked over my shoulder to see her standing there with her hands on her hips. "You've always been the 'pick me' out of the two of you. I thought by now you maybe would've looked in a mirror and seen that you're the problem - not just with me, but with everyone. All I can say is that I'm lucky I can see it now, and I'm glad I got out of our marriage when I did."

That left her completely dumbfounded, and she didn't utter another word as I got into my car and left. I'm hoping that's the last time I'll ever have to see Gwen.

Regardless of how I defended myself and Carter against her, I was still shaken up by the encounter. My therapist was thankfully able to work me in that same day for a visit. She didn't respond much to me - it was more so of a vent session for me anyway. At the end of that session, she told me that I should be proud of finding it within myself to not only see Gwen, but to also stand up to her. That was something I hadn't been able to do at all in my last year with Gwen.

The first six months of marriage was wonderful, but the remaining year was horrific. I had dealt with Gwen coming home and screaming at me almost every day due to stress from her work. It wasn't until things got physical that I knew I had to leave.

At first it was a slap, and she apologized profusely for it - telling me she would never mean to hurt me, and she couldn't explain why she did it. I let it slide because I knew how much pressure she was under. The next time she hit me it was her closed fist connecting harshly with my chest. The final time, she had attempted to throw a vase at my head. She was lucky I was able to move out of the way quickly, and I avoided it.

I left that night, packing up what I absolutely needed, and I told her that I would be back to get the rest of my things. It took me about a week to get everything out, except for that one box of stuff apparently, and I made sure that I checked our Ring camera for movement before going over so I could see if she was at work. I didn't want to see her anymore at all. The thought of being in her presence made my skin crawl.

The whole thing made me wonder if the physical part of her anger was only just towards me, or if she had ever gotten physical like that with Carter. It broke me to think that Carter could've been on the receiving end of her wrath in that way, and I prayed that I was wrong in thinking that it maybe had happened in the past.

I let Gwen keep the house because I didn't want it. I didn't want the awful memories those walls held, and I knew that with the divorce I'd end up getting some money back for it considering we bought it together. Once I got the money from everything, I ended up getting a house of my own. Thankfully Gwen told the courts the divorce was amicable even though she really didn't want it, and the only reason why she agreed to that was because I agreed to not bring up her abuse if she did so.

I just wanted it all to be over. I wanted to start fresh, and I needed to be rid of her.

I'm drawn out of my thoughts when I realize I'm close to the tattoo shop, and I do my best to force the negativity out of my mind. Today was going to be a positive experience. I also think that today is going to set the tone of where things go from here with Carter. I'm hoping the outcome is us trying to rebuild our friendship, but I would be more than understanding if Carter didn't wish to get close with me again in that capacity. She had every right to deny me.

I parallel park on the street right out front of the shop, just across the street, and hop out. Once I'm inside, I'm immediately drawn to her red hair as she stands at her station. I can see that she's applying some second skin to the forearm of the girl sitting on her table.

"Harry, right?" I hear my name being called, and I look over to see Duncan.

"Yeah, that's right," I give him a small nod while sending him a smile. "It's been a while, Duncan. How are you?"

"I've been good, man, really good," Duncan says as he leans against the check-out counter, arms crossed over his chest. "Business has been great, and I just moved into a new house with my wife and little girl. No complaints. How about you? Carter mentioned that you would be coming in."

I can't help but laugh a bit when I try to think of how to answer Duncan's question. I've never been one to dump my feelings on people when they casually ask how you're doing. "I'm getting better," I tell him honestly. "Had some things happen over the past couple of years, but I'm definitely finding myself again."

Duncan doesn't get a chance to respond as Carter starts walking her client up to the counter. "Hi, Harry," she says, her smile growing the closer she gets to me. "I'll be just another minute or so."

"Take your time," I tell her, shoving my hands into my front pockets.

"You can go ahead and wait by my station if you'd like. I'll just need to get everything sanitized once I'm back over there, then we can start," she tells me, and I give her a nod before following her instructions.

I sit down on one of the stools she had over there as I wait for Carter, but I find it hard to keep my eyes off of her from across the shop. It's clear to see that she's definitely gotten more sure of herself over these past few years. She holds a smile the whole time she checks the client out, and I can see this newfound charisma that I caught at the cafe the other day just seeping out of her.

Once she finishes up, she heads back over to me, and I witness a softness pooling in her eyes as she stands next to me. "How are you?"

I stand up from the stool, and out of habit I go to wrap my arms around her. Carter's eyes widen slightly, but she doesn't stop me, if anything, she's quick to reciprocate. Her cheek rests against my chest, and I feel her let out a large exhale as her fingers curl into the loose jumper I was wearing.

"I'm good," I speak, finally replying to her question - moving around so my own cheek is now lying on the top of her head. "How about you?"

I feel Carter nod against me for a moment before we separate. "I'm good as well."

She moves away from me to slip on a pair of gloves, and she begins to wipe her table down completely. Once done, she motions for me to sit there, and she starts to get her station ready.

"Are you nervous?" She peeks at me over her shoulder with a smirk before looking back to her task at hand.

"A little bit, actually," I chuckle, running my hands over the tops of my thighs. "It's been a while, and I think I remember how it feels, but I'm questioning if I really do or not."

"Oh god," Carter gasps as she turns around completely, tugging on my jumper to signal it's time to take it off. "You're not going to pass out on me, are you?"

I can tell she's still being playful with me, and I shake my head. "I think we're good unless I somehow randomly see someone getting their tongue pierced."

Carter tilts her head back with a large laugh, clapping her hands together as I pull my jumper over my head. I'm wearing a black tank top underneath to make it easier for her to access the inside of my bicep. "I'll make sure to have Duncan tell me if someone comes in for one of those so we can make sure you don't get up to go to the bathroom and pass the piercing room at that time."

I roll my eyes at her while she pulls her hair into a bun on the top of her head as I hang my jumper on the small coat rack she has in the corner.

As I walk back over, I see that Carter is slipping the drawing she's made of the heart I wanted out of the front of her binder. The front of her binder is usually reserved for fun little sketches of hers, much like the ones I first noticed when we were in college. I look at the side of her face as I watch her, knowing she usually keeps her stencils in one of the clear sleeves she had inside.

"Did you just finish that up last night? Is that why it's in the front?" I ask, gesturing to the drawing as I sit down on the side of the table.

Carter glances at me out of the corner of her eye as she shakes her head. "Uh no...I've had this done for a while," she says, and she quickly clears her throat. "I just need to get it all prepared, I'll be right back."

My eyes watch her as she goes, but she returns quickly with another fresh pair of gloves on, and the stencil of the heart in her hand. "You said you wanted this on the inside of your bicep, right?"

I nod as I lay back on the table, and I extend my arm out for her. Carter sits down on her stool, rolling over to me before holding the edges of the stencil between the pads of her thumb and index finger on each of her hands. Tilting her head to the side, she tries different positions before it, and I see her eyes light up when she gets it right. She lays the stencil down - smoothing it over to make sure it all gets on my skin.

"Have a look," she says as she pulls it off, and I stand from the table one more to take a look at it in the full length mirror.

I move my arm in all different directions to make sure none of them make it look funny before I nod. "That's perfect, Carter. It looks great."

Once I lay back down on the table, she grabs her gun and scoots as close as possible to me. "You ready?

"Yep," I sigh, looking at the ceiling as I hear the buzzing start.

It's only a few seconds later that I feel that familiar scratch across my skin, and I grimace slightly from how long it's been since I've felt it. I take in a deep breath as I can tell she's trying to warm me up a little bit before she really gets started.

"Doing okay?" Carter checks in on me, giving my upper bicep a reassuring squeeze as she dips back into the ink for a moment.

"Yeah, feels like I remember," I say, earning a small giggle from her.

"Well, that's good then, yeah?"

I nod as she starts up again, and it's silent between the two of us for a while before Carter speaks.

"I've had the heart finished since before...everything," she whispers, and I move my head to the side so I can look at her properly. Her eyes stay focused on her work, but she flicks them up to meet mine for just a moment. "I was going to show you the drawing that night, sort of as a surprise present, I guess."

It's as if I almost feel my heart actually crack in my chest at her confession. I couldn't believe that she had finished it up back then, but I also couldn't believe that she had held onto it for this long. Part of that gives me hope that she was just waiting for the opportunity for us to reconnect at some point, like we have now.

I had thought about her so much since the last time I saw her, but she had grown even heavier on my mind since I started therapy. My therapist really helped me work through my feelings, and the more I worked through them, the more I realized just how much I had fucked up with Carter. I've beaten myself up time, and time again while looking back on how I treated her, and how I allowed her to be treated.

The image of her standing in that groom's suite, begging me to reconsider my marriage is forever engraved in my mind. Her body trembling with her arms wrapped around herself, tears streaming down her cheeks as she cowered away from me. I thought that night I found her outside at the formal was going to be the worst I'd ever seen her, and the fact that I was the cause of an even worse reaction than that...I'll never be able to forgive myself. My therapist has told me time and time again that I needed to find it within me to do so, but I don't see how it's possible.

"And I'd really like to talk everything over at some point," Carter speaks up again, but now she keeps her sight down, and off my face. "But for now, I think it would be nice to just get to know each other again, if that's something you're okay with. Once we feel like we're in a comfortable place, then I'd like for us to be able to put it all out on the table. I have a lot I feel like I need to say, and a lot I need to ask."

"I think I'd really like that too, Carter," I agree, reaching my hand out when she stops tattooing me for a moment. I wrap my palm around her forearm, rubbing my thumb against her smooth skin. "You don't know how nervous I've been these past couple of weeks. I was just holding onto hope that you would give me another chance."

"I still have a lot of hurt feelings," she explains as I drop my hand to allow her to start up her work again. "But I also didn't handle things in the right way. I was hoping that seeing each other would open up that opportunity for us to reconnect."

Looking up at me again for just a second, we give each other soft smiles.

It's a couple hours later that Carter finishes up my tattoo completely. My bicep now felt like a bunch of pins and needles, but I didn't want to have to come back for another session. I've always been one to complete my tattoos in one session, if possible. Carter had already let me look at the tattoo, and put the second skin on it before I walked over to the coat rack to grab my jumper.

"Here, let me help you," I hear her say after she disposes of her gloves. "Go ahead and put your arms in, and I'll help pull it down."

I do as she asks, keeping my arms above her head, and only starting to lower them down as I feel her pulling the hem of my jumper down as well. Once it was on properly, she gave me a nod. "I'm going to just clean up really quick since you were my last one of the day, and then I'll meet you at the counter, okay?"

I head over to the lobby section of the shop and sit down on one of the couches, beginning to scroll through my phone as I wait for her. I can hear her holding conversations with a couple of people around the shop over the next few minutes, and finally I hear her calling my name.

Walking over to the counter, she tells me my total, and my eyebrows narrow. "Carter, you know that's not right," I tell her with a small laugh.

"Friends and family discount," she shrugs, giving me a smug smile.

I roll my eyes, but I allow her to charge me what she wants - handing my card over. Once everything was settled, we head out of the shop, and I point to my car that's parked across the street. "That's me."

"That's me," she mimics, pointing to her car that was just a little ways down on the same side of the street.

"I'll walk you."

Carter nods, and I rest my hand against the small of her back to keep her on the inner part of the sidewalk as we make our way towards her car. Once there, she turns to face me, a tender look on her face.

"It was nice getting to tattoo you again," her voice is warm as she speaks, and I feel my stomach fluttering with how sincere she sounds. "I haven't tattooed a friend since Kieran, and that was a couple of years ago, so this was wonderful."

"Well, I'm glad it was you that could give me another tattoo after so long," I tell her, reaching out to rub my hand up and down her arm for a moment before dropping it.

"I'll text you, and maybe we can plan on meeting up to do something sometime next week? The weather is getting warmer, so I was hoping to spend some more time outside."

"Yeah, that sounds great. We can definitely figure something out," I respond, biting down on my bottom lip.

"Before I go, I wanted to give you this," Carter says before digging into her bag, much like she did before she walked away from me at the cafe. "Wait to read it until you're in your car but...I think this explains what I felt all those years ago a little better than I did back then, and how I've felt going forward."

Looking down at the postcard, I see that there's now a line illustration of a nightingale instead of a daffodil. "This drawing is beautiful, Carter."

"Thank you," she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear before clearing her throat. "I'm sorry to dart off so quickly, but I promised my dad I'd come over and make us some dinner tonight."

"Don't apologize, we practically spent the afternoon together."

We step forward to wrap ourselves in another embrace - all while being mindful of my fresh tattoo.

"You smell the same," I hear Carter whisper after a moment, and I look down to see her snuggling her nose into my chest. "I've missed it."

Swallowing harshly, I force away the tears that want to spring in my eyes. "You smell the same too. I've missed it...missed you so, so much."

I take a chance, and I press my lips against the crown of her head. I feel Carter's cheeks round out against my torso before she's looking up at me with a wide smile. "I'll see you soon."

"See you soon."

We separate, and I stand on the sidewalk to make sure she takes off safely. She waves at me through her window as she drives off, and I make my way over to my car. I'm immediately pulling up google on my phone to look up the symbolism of a nightingale, and the tears I had just wished away come crawling back.

"Found in Persian culture, through poetry and music, the nightingale has been celebrated as a symbol of unrequited love."

I press my tongue against the inside of my cheek as I look out my window, feeling moisture beginning to wet my face. My hand shakes as I continue to hold the postcard, but I can't look back down at it. I'm scared of what the other side, the quote, will bring.

I give myself a moment or two, sniffling softly before I look down - flipping the card over.

"No matter how much you wish you could, you cannot control how another person feels and loves.

Just because someone fails to see your worth, it doesn't make them a bad person, and it doesn't mean you are unlovable. It simply means that they aren't meant for you.

You should never have to spend your days and nights wondering if you are good enough for somebody. You are enough. You are more than enough for the right person.

Always remember that your happiness comes first. Focus on loving yourself, really loving yourself and you will see your value and find the strength to walk away from unrequited love.

Weeks, months, years will pass and you'll look back and wonder why on earth it took you so long to see that all along you deserved everything you always wished you had.

- CHARLOTTE FREEMAN"

⋆★★⋆

It's a Saturday night, and I've been sitting outside of Carter's house for the past fifteen minutes - just staring down at the bundle of daffodils in my hand. My mind is going a mile a minute, and I know I have to calm myself down before I go up and knock on her door. I got here early for this specific reason. I knew that I would probably work myself up, and sure enough, I have.

This was the first time either of us had agreed to meet at one of our houses. Over the past three and a half months, we've been seeing each other only in public spaces.

I was more than okay with us only meeting out in public. We both made the decision to take things slow as we rebuild our relationship with each other, and we both know that this relationship will more than likely be similar to our previous one, but there's no way it could ever be the same.

I think the scariest thing for me was that I found myself falling back in love with Carter easily.

Through therapy I realized that I never really stopped loving her in that way, I had just suppressed my feelings because I thought she didn't feel the same.

Going to therapy made me remember a lot of things I had pushed to the back of my mind when it came to the transition of my feelings for Carter into my feelings for Gwen. I had forgotten about how anytime Carter was out of the house, Gwen was telling me that she was out with a boy. I thought that Carter was hiding a relationship from me, and subconsciously, that's why I hid my relationship with Gwen. It wasn't until years later that I found out that Gwen had been feeding me lies.

Bottom line - Gwen manipulated me our entire relationship.

I know I'm not completely innocent, and that her manipulation isn't a complete excuse for the way that I acted, but it made me realize just how much she lied to me. She did anything she could to keep her hooks in me until she knew she had me fully secured, and then it was already too late with Carter. I had already separated myself from her to keep myself from getting hurt even further, and I had already started to fall in love with Gwen.

I know that I loved Gwen at one point. I know that I was still in love with her even when she hit me, but I know I fell right out of love with her the night she could've caused me irreparable damage.

Fuck, I didn't need to be thinking about all of this right now.

Tucking my chin to my chest, I suck in a deep breath as I lift my hand to pinch at the bridge of my nose. Reminiscing on the past in this very moment wasn't helping me calm down.

Instead I try to focus on the positive. Carter somehow found it in her heart to give me a second chance, and our reconnecting felt different to than I had anticipated. I could tell by the way she looked at me that she felt the same way too. We exchange small intimate touches every now and then, but that's as far as it's gone. I've also noticed that we're a lot more flirty with each other than we used to be. It's almost as if we were a couple that had separated, and now we're trying to figure out if time apart could make it work again. It didn't feel like we were necessarily rebuilding just a friendship.

It wasn't until this past Tuesday when we were sitting on a bench in the park that I asked her to dinner.

Carter had been talking about getting a corn-dog from this street cart for a few days, and I finally suggested to her that we just go and get them together. She was more than ecstatic when I told her that I wanted to go too. She got a regular corn-dog, and I got one with a plant-based hotdog inside. While we sat on the bench, her legs were draped over my lap as she leaned against the arm rest, ankles crossed one over the other.

Her heart shaped sunglasses were perched on her nose as I traced my fingertips up down one of her legs as we ate.

"I'm so happy right now," she said, using her hand to cover her mouth full of food as she spoke - as if she couldn't wait to tell me. "Thank you for coming with me, Harry. We picked such a good day too. It's beautiful out."

I swallowed the bite I was chewing before responding to her. "Of course I was going to come with you. I had to see the look on your face once you finally got your corndog."

The giggle that left her warmed my heart as her nose scrunched up, and I gave her thigh a squeeze. Humming, she let her free hand travel down to wrap around my fingers, and we remained like that for the rest of the time that we ate.

We stayed at the park for about an hour total, and it wasn't until we were about to get up and leave that I finally grew the balls to ask her what I had been wanting to ask her for a few weeks at that point.

That's when I asked her about grabbing dinner together, something we hadn't done yet.

"Yeah, of course we can grab dinner sometime. That would be fun!"

I remember my palms immediately going clammy, and Carter could instantly tell that something was wrong.

"Hey, are you okay?" Her palm found my back, and she began to move in circles.

"Well...I just-" I stumbled over my words like an idiot, finally clearing my throat when I felt like I had myself somewhat together. "How would you feel about considering it a date?"

Even though Carter had her sunglasses on, the lenses were pretty transparent, and I watched as her eyes went wide - her pink lips parting in surprise. I immediately had to look away from her, and I looked down at my hands as I nervously rubbed them together.

"Sorry...I'm sorry," I whispered, closing my eyes tight as if that was going to just make what I had asked disappear. "Forget it. We don't have to. I just ruined this whole fucking thing."

It was a few seconds later that I felt Carter's hand leave my back, and soon her palm was cradling one of my cheeks. She turned my face so I was looking at her - causing me to reluctantly open my eyes.

"It can be a date, Harry," she told me, and I instantly felt a knot form in my stomach. It wasn't out of anxiousness though, it was out of excitement. "I'm a little nervous given the past, but I'd like for it to be a date too."

When we separated that day, she let me give her a kiss on the cheek, and it made me tingle all over when I saw her face flush.

We haven't really spoken about our feelings at all, and we haven't discussed any expectations of each other either. I have a feeling that both of those things are bound to come up tonight. That's probably another reason why I'm so incredibly nervous.

My eyes glance over at the clock, and I see that it's now the time that I told her I would pick her up.

I suck in a deep breath as I get out of the car, my hands shaking as I keep a grip on the daffodils, and I head up to her door. Lifting my finger, I ring her doorbell before taking a small step back so that I'm not crowding her immediately.

The door opens after a moment, and once Carter's eyes connect with mine, a large smile takes over her features. "Hi, H," she says. She looks me over for a moment before looking back at my face. "You look so handsome."

It's as if my breath was sucked from my lungs when she opened that door. The dress she has on fits her perfectly, and she has her hair slightly curled so that it bounces a bit as she moves. I couldn't help but internally laugh out in adoration when I saw she had all black Vans old skools platforms on her feet.

Some things never change.

"Wow, Carter," I breathe, shaking my head. "You look gorgeous."

Carter's face flushes just like it did the other day. "I'm in protest against heels at the moment, so I hope Vans are okay," she says before her eyes drop to the flowers in my hand.

"Oh!" I exclaim with a chuckle, extending them out to her. "These are for you. I was trying to figure out what flowers to get, but these seemed rather fitting."

"Hmm," she hums, giving me a playful grin. "I wonder why."

She peeks over her shoulder for a moment before looking back to me. "I'm just going to put these in some water and then we can go. I'd invite you in, but I know Ichabod's hair is going to cling to you if you come inside and he rubs on you."

"That's alright, take your time," I tell her with a nod.

She shuts the door, and it's only a minute or so later that she's stepping back out. A thin black cardigan is now on her arms, and she has a purse draped over her shoulder. She locks up her door before facing me. "Ready?"

"Ready," I say, placing my hand on her lower back as we make our way to my car.

I open the passenger door for her, which she thanks me for, and I make sure she's in securely before I shut her in. My hands continue to shake as I head over to the driver's side, and I get in before starting the car up.

I can see Carter looking over at me out of the corner of my eye, and she almost instantly reaches out to take one of my hands off the wheel.

"Why are you shaking so bad?" She holds my one hand in both of hers - lazily intertwining one set of her fingers with mine while the fingertips on the other trace over the back of my hand. "We don't have to go anymore if it's going to make you so nervous, Harry. I don't want you to be-"

"No," I shake my head quickly, squeezing my fingers around hers. "I mean, yes, I'm nervous, but I don't want to not do this because of that. I've just...I'm really bad about getting in my head these days, and I just overthink things. I've been overthinking all day."

Carter frowns, and she brings my hand up - pressing her lips against my knuckles. "If it helps at all, I'm really glad that we're doing this. I've been looking forward to it since you asked on Tuesday."

"Yeah?" I ask, feeling her confession ease my nerves some.

"Yeah," she nods, biting down on her bottom lip.

"I can never thank you enough for agreeing."

Carter's eyes wander over my face for a moment before settling back on my own. "I told you...I've missed you. It's been long enough that I'm okay to let myself be open with you again, and I'm sure we'll touch on that more later, but I just know I'm ready for this. Whatever this ends up being after we talk everything out. Okay?"

"Okay," I bring her hand up to my mouth just like she did to me earlier - mimicking her same actions.

I let my lips rest against her skin a little longer than she did mine before I lower our hands back down. I go to pull my hand away so that I can place both hands on the wheel, but Carter tightens her grip. "Can I keep holding it?"

My heart palpitates in the best way at her question, and I feel warmth in my face. "Yeah, of course."

"Okay, good," she giggles before dropping my hand into her lap.

I bite back a larger smile as I put my car in drive, and I start heading towards the restaurant where I had made us reservations for tonight.

Music plays quietly in the car as we make our way down the road, and Carter and I keep stealing glances at each other as we do so. Eventually she moves her other hand down to completely encompass the one she had already been holding once again, alternating between smoothing her fingertips over my knuckles, and then the back of my hand.

I haven't had contact like this from someone in so long, and it feels nice. The tenderness of her touches makes me feel wanted and comforted all at the same time - two feelings that Carter used to bring me previously before everything went to shit.

Our conversation on the way there was light, just asking how our work week went, and she was telling me about a large back piece she had just finished up on a client.

Once we arrive at the restaurant, I open the passenger side of the car for Carter. Instead of letting me just place my hand on her back, she takes my hand in hers - lacing our fingers together. I stroke my thumb along the back of her hand as we head inside, and I can see that Carter is a bit shocked at the place I've picked out.

"Harry," she says, looking up at me with worry. "This place is so nice, and I'm wearing Vans. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you wanted to wear Vans," I respond, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Besides, they look cute on you, and if they want to say something about them, then I don't want to give them my business anyway."

Carter shakes her head briskly at me as we approach the host stand. "Two for Styles."

The host nods and grabs a couple of menus before we're guided to our table. I smile when I see they've remembered to set it up the way I wanted, with two candles lit in the middle, and two glasses of red wine already poured.

I can hear Carter gasp behind me, but she doesn't say anything yet as I pull her chair out for her to sit.

The host places the menus down as I sit as well, and I thank them before they walk away. I keep my eyes down on the menu that was placed in front of me, but I can feel Carter's on me.

"Harry," she speaks up after a moment, sweetness laced throughout her tone. "Did you have them do this for us?"

I nibble on my bottom lip before nodding. "Yeah, I did. I just wanted tonight to be special. For you...for us."

Carter reaches out across the table, curling her hand around mine. "Thank you so much. This was a nice surprise, and this restaurant is beautiful."

She gives my hand a squeeze before pulling away, and we begin to properly look over our menus.

"What are you thinking?" Carter asks, and I tilt my head to the side.

"I'm eying the pasta pescatore, how about you?"

"I think I'll do the lobster and mushroom risotto," I look up as she twirls a curl around her finger - lips pursed to the side.

I'm completely captivated by the way the candlelight hits her face, capturing her beauty in a way that has my stomach swirling.

After a moment, a waiter comes over with a couple of waters to accompany our wine, and he asks if we're ready to order.

"You first," I say, gesturing my hand towards, and Carter smiles.

We each order our food, and the waiter heads off as we grab our glasses of wine. I clear my throat, my other hand gripping to my knee as Carter's round eyes stare at me.

"This might seem silly, but I just wanted to say a couple of things," I chuckle nervously.

Carter gives me a reassuring nod before sinking her teeth into her bottom lip.

"First off, I want to thank you again for saying 'yes' to dinner, and especially having it be a date. I'm really trying to be more straightforward with my feelings in general, but especially when it comes to you now that we've reconnected," I start off, my fingers curling tighter to my glass as I feel I could drop it at any moment. "I also wanted you to know that these past few weeks of getting to see you again have been the best weeks I've had in the past two years or so.

"Like you said before, I know there's still a lot that's left unsaid on both of our parts, but I really don't know what I would do if I lost you again, Carter. Losing you the first time completely changed me as a person, even though I didn't see it at the time. But with that being said, if you realize that this isn't going to work out, and this isn't what you want, then you walk away whenever you want. Put yourself first - always."

Carter blinks at me, and I can tell that I've caught her off guard with my words, but telling her that the ball was in her court when it came to us was something I needed her to know. I didn't want her to let the guilt of knowing I'd be upset to lose her again be the cause of her putting herself into something she didn't want.

"Wow, Harry," she opens and closes her mouth a couple times - clearly trying to figure out how to respond. "These few weeks have been really great for me too, and like I told you, I've missed you. I allowed for this to be a date just as much as you did, so I hope you don't feel like you forced me to label it as that.

As of right now, I'm more than happy with how things are going, but I can't lie to you and say that may change after we really talk things out. I don't think it will, but I just want you to know that's a possibility, okay?"

I move my head in agreement with her words. "Of course, Carter - of course."

I watch her shoulders deflate, as if she's let out a sigh of relief before we're both extending our glasses forward - clinking them together.

"To us," she speaks up first, a large smile back on her face.

"To us."

We each sip our wine, and she hums out in appreciation. "Oh my god, Harry," she licks over her bottom lip. "This wine is delicious."

"Yeah? I went over their selection online, and I tried to pick out what I remembered you liking."

"It's perfect. Thank you."

I watch as she looks around the restaurant a bit before looking back over to me. "Well, I guess now is as good of a time as any to start, huh?"

"If you're ready, then absolutely," I reassure her.

"I should probably start with me figuring things out about my mom and Gwen since that all ties in to how everything happened, especially with us," she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear before continuing. "One of the first things my therapist had me focus on was my emotions towards them, but most importantly their emotions towards me.

"She had me write down times throughout my life where my mom yelled at me, which wasn't often, but I came to the conclusion that she only ever did when it involved something with Gwen. Whether it be me trying to play with one of her toys, or if Gwen and I were fighting about her borrowing something of mine when Gwen knew that I would be needing it, my mother always took Gwen's side - even when she was clearly wrong."

Reaching forward, she takes a large sip of wine before she continues. "I also realized that my mom and Gwen have extremely jealous tendencies. So, when the wedding came around, it was such a big thing for Gwen, and the way they treated me just magnified. They wanted it to go perfectly for her, and they didn't want me to ruin it. That's when I became their pin cushion."

I grimace at her use of words, but I know she's not wrong.

"Also, I don't know if Gwen ever told you, but she caught me leaving the groom's suite that day," she places her hands on the table, and I can see they're slightly trembling. "She told me she knew of my feelings for you, that she always did, and she couldn't believe I told you on your wedding day of all days. That's when she said she never wanted to see me again, and for me to stay away from you both. I listened to her because I knew you loved her, and I knew she made you happy, and I didn't want to take that away from you."

My heart aches at her words. Gwen never told me she had seen her after her confession to me. I didn't know that she ever knew that Carter had feelings for me.

"She didn't tell me," I whispered, shaking my head.

"I also need to apologize to you, Harry. I need to tell you sorry for never telling you my feelings sooner, and I also need to tell you I'm sorry for when I chose to tell you about them," I can see tears are now gathering in Carter's eyes, and she takes a minute to collect herself before she's blinking them away.

"I never wanted to tell you about my feelings because I didn't want to ruin what we had, but it seems that's exactly what I did because I waited so long. Maybe if I had just kept my mouth shut, none of this would've ever happened, and I-"

"Carter, I'm going to stop you right there," I butt in, not being able to listen to her blaming herself in this way. "Do not apologize to me for that. I won't let you blame yourself for what happened. There's only one person to blame for our friendship falling apart, and that's me."

Carter keeps quiet as I continue. "I should've never let Gwen keep me from you like she did, and I should've never let her treat you the way she did. Things would've been different if I had put my foot down. If I had refused to let her wedge her way between us, but I didn't do that.

"She fed me lies our entire relationship when it came to you. She knew I liked you, she revealed that to me during our divorce process. Whenever you were out of the house hanging out with Kieran, she told me you were seeing different guys, and I don't know why I believed her. Then she started dropping hints that she liked me. One thing led to another, and it just happened. The last thing she really lied to me about was her trying to contact you after the wedding. She led me to believe that she was trying just as hard as I was to reach you, and in our last big fight, I found out that wasn't the case."

Now I'm the one reaching for my glass of wine, taking two large sips. "I realized in therapy that I never truly lost my feelings for you, Carter. I just shoved them down, and I suppressed them once I started having feelings for Gwen. I convinced myself that they were gone because how could I love two people at once? But, my love for you was never like my love for Gwen. The love I had for you..."

I swallow harshly before I look down at my lap, shaking my head. It's only a second later that I feel the tips of Carter's fingers brushing over my knuckles.

"Tell me, please."

Looking back up, I meet her eyes, and I can tell she's pleading with me to be honest. It was hard to act like I was talking about the past. My love for has only grown more since being around her again.

"It was everything. Even if I didn't think it was reciprocated, and even though I didn't even tell you about it."

Carter opens her mouth to speak, but we're interrupted by the waiter setting out dishes down in front of us. We each thank him, placing our napkins into our laps as we grab our silverware.

"Let's just enjoy our meals for now," I reach out to grab her hand, and I kiss the back of it quickly. "And if we want to talk more later, we can."

"Okay," Carter breathes, and we both begin to dig into our food.

The rest of our time at the restaurant consists of us talking about much lighter topics while stealing bites of each other's food.

Now we're sitting outside of her house in my car, my hand placed on the inside of Carter's knee as she twists my rings around my fingers.

"Is there anything else you wanted to talk about before I head in?" Carter rests her head back against the headrest, looking over at me.

I know that what I'm about to bring up is serious, but it's something that's eaten away at me for too long.

"I didn't want to ask in the restaurant, and you can decline to answer if it's too personal, but it's something that's been weighing on me. Did...did Gwen ever get physical with you when you guys would argue?"

I'm hesitant to look at her, but I'm met with narrowed brows on her face. "I mean, we used to wrestle as little kids, but when we got older, no," she shakes her head. "Why? Did she get physical with you?"

I stay silent as I look down to stare at my steering wheel, and I can hear Carter inhale sharply when I don't answer after a moment.

It's not even a second later that I feel her arms around me, and she's pulling my face into her neck. "I'm so sorry, Harry," she whispers, pressing a kiss to my temple.

I feel tears welling in my eyes as I lift a hand to wrap around her wrist. I feel her nails scraping against my scalp to comfort me as her other hand caresses my back.

"You didn't deserve that. You'll never deserve that."

We stay in the same position for a while as she continues to comfort me silently before she speaks again. "You know that right? That you didn't deserve that?"

I nod, sniffling as I lift my hand up - pushing the tears off my cheeks with the heel of my palm as I sit back. "I know. I know I didn't deserve it."

"Good," Carter says softly, and I can see the worry behind her eyes as she stares at me.

Biting down on her bottom lip, she grabs her purse that was on the floorboard, and she shuffles through it. She looks back over to me, and that's when I see she has another postcard in her hand. "I had two of these in my bag tonight. I figured this whole thing could've gone one way or the other. "

She extends the card out to me, and I take it from her. I look down to see a line illustration of a butterfly on the front. I know that she did this on purpose because we each have butterfly tattoos, and it has me feeling hopeful.

"Will this quote tell me which way it went?" I ask her with a soft chuckle, and it causes her to giggle as well while she shrugs.

"Flip it over and find out."

Taking in a deep breath, I flip the postcard over, and I read over the quote a few times to really take it in.

"Rewinding time is not possible, but "do-over's" are. Sometimes we get another chance to do something right the second time that we got wrong the first time." - UNKNOWN

I look back over to her after a moment, and her expression is one filled with such kindness that I feel like I could cry again. "In case that wasn't enough to tell you...would you like to come in?"

My eyebrows raise, as I'm a bit shocked that she was asking me to do so, but I didn't give her any time to think that I was hesitating. "Yeah, yes, please," I laugh nervously, and she tilts her head.

"Come on then."

We both get out of the car, and we head up to the door which she unlocks. As we walk inside, she flips on some lights, and I instantly hear small thumps coming from her hallway while we take off our shoes.

"Hello, Mr. Crane," Carter coos as she lowers herself down to pet the petite black cat that's come to greet her. "This is Ichabod."

The image in front of me has my heart completely bursting from how sweet it is, and I follow Carter's actions - bending down to be closer to them both. "Hello Ichabod, I'm Harry."

I hold my hand out, and Ichabod sniffs it for a bit before rubbing back across the front of Carter's legs for a while, but he keeps his eyes on me.

"He's really nice, I promise," Carter says as she continues to rub over his back, and eventually Ichabod makes his way over to me.

I begin to scratch underneath his chin, and behind his ears as Carter stands.

"Do you want some more wine?"

Glancing over, I watch as she walks into her kitchen - loose red curls bouncing as she goes.

"Yeah, I'll have another glass," I tell her, giving Ichabod a few more pets before standing up myself. "Just one is probably good though considering I have to drive."

"What do you think I'm trying to do? Get you drunk so you have to stay over?" Carter looks at me over her shoulder with a shiteating smirk, and I shake my head at her. Knowing that the atmosphere around us has turned playful, I decide to feed into it as well.

"I don't know," I shrug before crossing my arms over my chest as I lean against one of her counters. "Are you?"

Carter hums as she turns back around to grab a bottle of wine out of her wine fridge, and then she walks over to the cabinet housing her wine glasses. "I mean, would you staying be the absolute worst thing in the world?"

My adrenaline perks up slightly at her words, and I quickly clear my throat. "No, I-I don't think that, I just didn't know-"

"Harry," Carter walks over to the counter next to the one I was leaning against - setting the glasses down. "I was just kidding. You didn't think I was that easy, did you?"

Groaning, I look up to the ceiling as I smile.

She's really busting my balls here.

"I'm not used to being one step ahead of you when it comes to picking on each other," she bumps her hip against mine to have me looking down at her again. "I guess I'm making up for all those years you had me blushing like an idiot."

"Yeah, now that's me," I laugh, leaning down to pinch at her waist - causing her to yelp.

Carter eventually uncorks the bottle, and she pours us each a glass of wine as we move over to sit on the couch. Ichabod makes his way over to the cat tree in the corner of the living room, and he makes his way to the top tier - quickly curling into himself and falling asleep.

"He's so cute," I compliment her. "How old is he?"

"Just a little over a year old," she says, looking over to the cat tree for a moment before looking over to me. "I actually found him outside of the shop I was working at while I was gone."

"You're kidding."

Carter shakes her head, swallowing down her sip of wine before continuing. "It was early spring, and it was raining so bad outside. It was chilly, and windy on top of that. I was closing up the shop, and I went around back to throw the trash into the dumpster before getting in my car, and I could hear him crying underneath it after I threw the bag inside.

"I pulled my phone out so I could use my flashlight, and I looked under, and there he was. He was by himself, and shaking, and I knew I couldn't leave him. To be honest, I didn't think I'd have the time to take on a kitten, so I had every intention of keeping him for a few days to get him better before taking him to the shelter. As you can see, I got way too attached and that didn't happen. It worked out for the both of us though. I don't know what I would do without him. He's my little buddy."

"You know it's funny, I had been contemplating getting a cat myself before I ran into you," I tell her. "Now you've kind of convinced me that I need one. The house is so quiet by myself."

"I definitely get what you mean. I've lived alone since I first moved away, and now I couldn't imagine not hearing his little paws on the floors, or hearing him eating his food in the kitchen while I'm sketching at my dining table. You should get one, H," she says, tapping her foot against my thigh. "They're a lot of fun."

"Yeah, I think I might," I say, dropping my hand to wrap it around her foot, running the pad of my thumb over the arch of it. "Would you come to the shelter with me?"

"Of course! I'd love to. Plus, I think I should have a say considering they're going to be around Mr. Crane. I need to make sure they're a suitable candidate for his friendship," she smirks, taking another sip of wine.

"That's fair enough."

It's quiet for a moment before she makes a small noise as she swallows her sip - as if she's remembered something. "Hold on, I'll be right back."

Carter sets her wine glass down on the table, and she slips down the hallway for a moment. I can't help but smile to myself as she's gone - not believing that I'm in her home with her right now, us sharing wine together and talking as if nothing has changed.

This is all I've wanted for so long.

I hear her coming back after a minute or so, and she sits down while passing me a piece of paper. As I study the piece of paper, I see she picks her wine glass back up, and she moves to drape her legs over my lap like she did in the park the other day.

"I drew that while I was in therapy," she said, tapping her fingertips against her glass. "She told me to draw something that provided me comfort in the past, and I came up with this. While I was drawing it, I was thinking of how you used to always hold my hand when we were out with friends if you could tell I wasn't having a good time, or if something was making me anxious. I've been meaning to bring it to show you when we've been hanging out, I just kept forgetting."

My eyes study the drawing, and I wait to ask what immediately comes to mind. "Do you think you could tattoo this on me?"

Carter's eyes look like they're about to bulge out of her head once I look back to her. "What?"

"I really like it, and you drew it perfectly. It reminds me of us too," I nod. "I'd really like for you to tattoo it on me, if you're comfortable with that."

"Harry, you know I'm always more than happy to ink you up. I'm just a little shocked - that's all. I'm more than comfortable with you getting it."

"Maybe in a couple months? I'm thinking on the back of my arm," I tilt my head to the side as I continue to stare at the drawing of two hands holding.

"I think that will look really good, H."

I only intended on staying at Carter's for maybe an hour at the most, but as she indulged in another glass of wine, I decided to stay so she could tell me all about the city she had been living in before moving back home. It was interesting to hear about the life she had without me in it, and I was actually able to listen to her talk about it without feeling a sadness in my chest.

I have her back now, and that's what matters.

Looking over to the clock, I can see it's nearing midnight, and I know it's time to go home.

"Well, I should probably get going," I sigh as I finish up my glass of wine. Only having the one glass at dinner, and then the two glasses here, I was more than fine to drive - especially with pasta sitting in my stomach.

"Oh, only if you're sure," Carter says, setting her almost finished wine down on the coffee table as I stand up. "You're not keeping me up or anything."

"I know, but I don't want to overstay my welcome," I chuckle, walking to set my empty wine glass in the sink in her kitchen.

When I walk back over Ichabod hops off his cat tree and follows me towards the door, circling my feet as he looks up at me.

"I think somebody doesn't want you to leave," Carter giggles as she walks closer to me, fiddling with her fingers behind her back.

"I'm sure I'll see you again soon, bud," I kneel down to give Ichabod a few head scratches before I stand up and look over at Carter. "Do you think that we could do this again?"

"Harry," Carter closes all space between us as she drops her hands to the side. "Have I not made it obvious enough that I more than enjoyed myself tonight? I would absolutely love to do this again."

I let out a small laugh of relief, scratching the back of my neck for a moment while looking down at my feet. Pursing my lips to the side, I look back up at Carter. "Can I kiss you?"

I can tell my request takes Carter by surprise, and I immediately feel like an idiot. "Shit, I'm sorry," I apologize. "I didn't mean to be so forward. You just look so beautiful, and I had such a good time that I thought maybe-"

I'm cut off when I feel Carter's hands cupping my cheeks as she pushes herself on her tiptoes, her taking the complete initiative to have her lips meet mine.

After a moment, I hum in satisfaction, and I drop my arms to wrap them around her. One of them wraps around her waist, while the other curls to the middle of her torso - my hand pressing against her shoulder blades to keep her flush against me. Carter is much shorter than me, and I can tell she's struggling to stay on her toes, so I gently lift her off the floor just a bit using the strength in my arm around her waist - causing her to squeal against my lips.

"Stay," Carter whispers, as she pulls away, her eyes dancing over my face. "Please stay."

My mouth runs dry when I realize exactly what she's saying, and I don't hesitate to give her a nod. "Okay, I'll stay."

Carter smiles, and I reach down to have both arms around her waist before I'm pulling her up higher. She wraps her arms around my neck, and her legs around my hips, as she leans down to reconnect our lips. "Bedroom is at the end of the hall," she mumbles against them.

I follow her orders, carrying her with ease down the hallway until we're in her room. After a few more moments of letting our lips mold against one another, I lower her down so that she's standing in front of me again.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"I'm sure," Carter says as she takes a step back, peeling her cardigan off her shoulders. "Take your clothes off."

My cock twitches in my pants at her words, and it takes a minute for my body to catch up with my mind. I pull my vest off and toss it to the side before I start to undo the buttons of my dress shirt. I watch as she reaches up to undo the ribbon tied at the top of her dress, pulling it so that it loosens, and she's able to slip her arms out of the material. She pauses for a minute with her hand pressed against her chest to still keep her dress up, watching me with her bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

I shrug my shirt off before I reach down to my pants, unbuttoning and unzipping them - leaving me in just my briefs.

Carter drops her dress, and my breath catches in the back of my throat when I see that her top is completely bare - only a black lace long left on her body. "This...this isn't weird for you, is it?"

I shake my head as I walk forward, my eyes shamelessly roaming over her. I'm taking her all in, as if she could disappear, or like I could wake at any moment - like this was all a dream.

"It's not weird at all," I tell her honestly, and Carter reaches out to wrap her hands around my wrists.

Her head tilts to the side as she moves me around until my hands are on her full breasts, and I sigh as I run the pads of my thumbs over her pebbled nipples. She gasps while throwing her head back - her eyes slipping shut.

Hearing that sound leave her, and seeing that just the smallest touch was bringing her such pleasure, it's like something in me snaps. I walk forward to where she's back against her dresser, and her eyes shoot open.

Carter watches me as I begin to lower myself down her body, pressing kisses to her neck and over her sternum. Once I reach her breasts, I rest the undersides of them in my palms before closing my lips around one of her nipples. She lets out a breathy moan, but we don't sever eye contact. Her hands wrap around the edge of her dresser, her elbows slightly pointed up to her ceiling as I pay the same amount of attention to her other nipple.

"Harry," my name leaving her mouth has me humming against her skin, and she rolls her head on her shoulders for just a moment before her eyes are right back on mine.

Abandoning her chest, I slip all the way down so I'm kneeling in front of her as I kiss over her stomach - hooking my fingers into the sides of her thong. I still hold her eyes, silently asking for permission, and she gives me a nod. I continue to sponge kisses down her body, all while pulling her underwear down at the same time. She's squirming underneath me, and I can tell she's aching for more now.

Once her underwear hit the floor, Carter lifts one leg to step out, but when she lifts the other, I quickly wrap my hand around her ankle - throwing her leg over my shoulder as I toss her underwear to the side.

"Can I taste you, Carter?" I ask, my eyes slipping shut for the first time since I've had my hands on her - the smell of her arousal filling my nose while I latch my lips to the inside of her thigh.

"Please," she whines, and my mouth finds its way between her legs before I can even process. “Oh, god."

One of Carter's hands leaves the dresser to make its home on the back of my head as she arches into me. My tongue is immediately met with her wetness, and I groan at just how much had accrued in such a short amount of time. I lick my way back up until I'm sucking her clit between my lips, and I open my eyes to look up at her.

Her head is back as she pants into the air, her face displaying absolute pleasure as I lift my hand to massage her thigh that's resting beside my head. My touch alerts her, and she looks down at me with pink cheeks.

"Good. 'S so good," she moans deliriously before she tilts her head to the side to rest her cheek on her shoulder - eyes slipping shut again.

I move back down to lap at her dripping entrance before I plunge my tongue inside - teeth scraping over her swollen clit. A strangled, but loud "uh" leaves her as she now curls forward, and the hand on the back of my head is pushing me even further into her core while her other hand drops to grip at my shoulder not cradling her thigh.

Everything about this is causing me to leak profusely into my briefs, and I know that I'm the hardest I've been in a long time. I creep my hand up from her thigh to grip one of the rounds of her ass - feeling her skin pushing through the gaps between my fingers.

"Wait, w-wait," I hear Carter gasp, and I pull away immediately. She sees the look of worry on my face, causing her to laugh breathlessly. "You didn't do anything wrong, don't worry. I just want to make you come twice."

I close my eyes and drop a hand to my briefs to apply pressure to my throbbing bulge at her words - willing away the urge to come right then. After a moment, I feel her slip her leg off my shoulder, pulling my cheek to rest against her stomach as she runs her fingers through the top of my hair.

"Can I do that for you, Harry? Can I have you come in my mouth, and then while you recuperate, you can make me come?" She slides one hand down my back - nails grazing against my skin. "And then when I come, I'll need you inside me, and I hope you'll be hard again. I want you so bad."

I turn my face to kiss along her stomach much like I did before. I'm riddled speechless by her want for me. It had been so long since anyone had talked about me in such a way, and it was causing me to feel so many different emotions.

"Please, baby," Carter whispers, and I slowly feel her lowering her body. I blink my eyes open to see her kneeling in front of me - moving her hands to cradle my face. "Let me make you feel good."

The pet name she uses ignites a fire in me, and I wrap my arms around her to pull her forward - having her thighs straddle one of my own as I press my lips against hers. Her thumbs swipe over my cheek as we kiss, and I tangle one of my hands into the back of her hair. Our lips part to have our tongues rolling against one another which causes goosebumps to coat my skin. We make our way off the ground, but we don't let our lips disconnect as she lays me down on the bed.

My hands wander all over her body as our tongues ebb and flow, and I give her plush hips a squeeze before she's pulling away from me. She runs her lips down my body, and just like I did earlier to her, she starts pulling on the waistband of my briefs.

"Lift your hips," she tells me, and I blindly obey.

Once my briefs are down to the tops of my thighs, my prick springs out and slaps against my stomach - smearing precome onto my skin.

"Shit," Carter's mouth gapes as she stares at me, and I feel myself twitch under her gaze.

She makes quick work of getting my briefs the rest of the way down before pushing herself between my legs. She's knelt down, back arched to have her plump ass in the air - right in my line of vision.

"Fuck, Carter," I whisper, feeling myself leaking even more at the sight. "You're so sexy. I don't think I've ever been this hard."

Carter licks over her bottom lip as she wraps her hand around my dripping cock, her other hand snaking up my chest to rest over one of my pecs - her palm grazing over my taut nipple. She works the hand on my prick up to gather my precome onto her hand before she slicks it down my length. Beginning to pump me, she nuzzles her nose into the trimmed hairs framing my base.

"I can't tell you how long I've wanted this," she tells me, planting kisses all around me.

I try to keep my eyes on her for as long as possible, but the pleasure is overwhelming. If she didn't get her mouth on me in the next few seconds, I was going to end up coming all over my stomach and her hand.

"I can't believe you're even more toned than before," she plants a kiss against my balls, causing my stomach to clench. "So pretty. Everything about you is pretty. You have a pretty face, a pretty body, and a pretty cock."

Her words have me moaning as my toes curl into the fabric of her comforter. I never once would've guessed that Carter was so vocal in the bedroom, and it's causing my head to spin. She was a true vision, and I found myself so lucky to be underneath her at this very moment.

I can't help but slip my eyes shut once her mouth is on my tip, and she lowers herself halfway down my shaft before pulling back up. I find myself biting down on the insides of my cheeks as she kitten licks at my slit - resulting in more precome pouring out of me.

"Carter," I gasp, one hand gripping to the pillow case my head was resting on while the other reached out to wrap her hair around my palm. "I'm not going to last very long right now."

She kisses my tip before I feel her nudge the side of her nose against it. "That's okay. This is about you right now. If you come in five seconds, I don't care."

Carter's mouth closes against me once again, and this time she lowers herself almost all the way down. I feel the tip of her nose against my happy trail as she zig zags her tongue along the underside of my shaft, and I can feel the ball of her tongue piercing pressing against every vein in her wake.

She bobs her head up and down before she presses all the way down, and I feel her swallow around me.

"Fuck," I choke on a moan, squeezing my eyes shut tight as I try to make this last as long as possible. "You're so fucking good at this."

Carter hums in response, causing a vibration up my shaft which has my abs jumping. I now feel my orgasm truly building in my lower abdomen. She pulls up to where just my tip is in her mouth, and I flutter my eyes open to see her looking at me - wiggling her ass in the air. She keeps me stable with one hand, and she parts her lips to show me that my tip is just resting against her tongue.

She shakes her head from side to side for a moment before she focuses on rolling the ball of her piercing over the prominent vein right underneath my tip again and again.

"I'm gonna come," I strangle out, my hand tightening in her hair. "I can't hold it."

Carter holds my eyes as she closes her mouth around me again, and she uses the hand that was holding me in place to start pumping me once more. My eyes roll into the back of my head as I feel myself releasing onto her tongue, groaning out as I buck my hips up subconsciously. It causes a small squeal to leave her, and if I was in the right stand of mind I'd immediately be apologizing, but my brain has gone completely fuzzy. She guides me through my orgasm fully, and I wince in sensitivity as I feel how tight she has her lips against me to make sure none spills out.

My eyes blink open just in time to see her popping off me entirely, and I watch as she swallows - the smallest bit of my come seeping from the corner of her mouth. Her tongue darts out to collect it while she begins to rub her hands up and down the tops of my thighs.

"You okay?" She asks, moving her way up my body so that she's hovering over me.

"I'm more than okay," I laugh, causing one to leave Carter as well. I wrap my hand around the back of her neck. "Come here."

I pull her down to meet my mouth again, and I hum as I taste myself on her tongue. As we kiss, I turn us over to where she's now underneath me. She hikes one of her knees up against my hip while resting her hands on the sides of my neck. Using one hand to hold up the crease of her leg, I dance my other one down between her legs.

I cup her cunt in my hand and give it a squeeze, causing her to gasp against my mouth. Smirking softly, I curl my middle and ring fingers to slip the tips of them through her drenched slit, and I'm almost certain I could already get hard again when she immediately coats my fingers in her arousal.

"You got so wet, Carter," I lick at her top lip before bumping the tip of my nose against hers. "Did getting me off turn you on that much?"

She nods, her hands beginning to roam all over my torso. "Sexiest thing I've ever seen was your face when you came just now."

"You're giving me an ego," I tell her, nipping my teeth against her jawline.

"You deserve to have one," she breathes as I feel her nails digging into my skin.

Swirling my fingertips around her entrance, I let her get accustomed to the feeling before I'm easily gliding them inside of her due to how open she already is for me. She mewls while automatically lifting her hips to meet my fingers, and I help satisfy her even more by tapping against her spongy spot.

"Yes," she whines, her chest now flush against mine - hard nipples grazing my skin. "Please, Harry, don't stop."

"I'm not going to, baby," I assure her, sucking on the junction where her neck and shoulder meet. "Not stopping until your come is covering my fingers, understood?"

"Mhmm," she lets out a high pitched hum as I begin to thrust my fingers in and out of her, making sure to continue curling them every now and again. "I understand."

Carter's heavy breathing fills the room once more as writhes underneath me. I can feel her clenching around me in what seems like intervals, and I know she's probably just as close as I was once she got her mouth on me.

"God, I can't believe I get to have you like this right now," I tell her, testing the waters to see if talking turns her on like it does for me. "Never thought this would be a reality for me. I thought I fucked up so bad that you'd never speak to me again, and now I've got you naked and open for me. I'm the luckiest man in the whole world to be here with you."

She cries out as I drop my hand from her leg to slip between our chests so I can roll one of her nipples between my index finger and my thumb. I can see a sheen of sweat forming on her hairline, and I slip a third finger into her to try to get her to her climax faster - not wanting her to feel like I was teasing too much.

"Harry," she whimpers, opening her eyes to look up at me.

"You're right there, hm?" I ask, tilting my head to the side, and I watch as he nods in response to me. "Come on, flower. Let go for me."

The old nickname I used to call her seems to be what sends her over the edge.

Carter's head tilts slightly back, and I watch as her lips part. A lewd moan starts to escape her as I feel her completely clamp down on my fingers, but I don't take my eyes off her face. She keeps her eyes on me as she comes, her orgasm coating me just like I asked as I continue to ride her through it. She wiggles her hips, as if she's trying to move away from, and that's when I remove my fingers - knowing that she's coming back down.

Her eyes watch my every move as I bring my fingers up to my mouth, sealing my lips around them as I suck them clean. I close my eyes once I have her taste on my tongue again, swallowing down a moan so I don't look absolutely pathetic.

I open my eyes to look down at Carter, and I see her smiling up at me. "Thank you," her chest heaves as she tries to catch her breath. "That felt so good."

Looking down at the same time, we both see that my cock is about half hard, but I know it won't take much longer for me to get fully there when I know where this is going next. I lower myself down to kiss her body like I had before, and I take the time to really examine her skin.

"You got a lot of new tattoos," I say, giving one of her breasts a small squeeze.

"Mhmm," she hums, wrapping one hand around my forearm that was connected to the hand on her chest - rubbing her palm up and down my skin. "A pretty good amount, I'd say."

Lowering myself down onto her, I begin to press my lips over the ones that I know I haven't seen, whispering 'new' as I do so. It causes Carter to giggle as I locate each one, and she tucks her bottom lip between her teeth as she watches me closely, but her smile still shines through.

"I have another," she tells me, tapping me to lift up a bit before she flips over onto her stomach.

I look down and see ink right under the crease between one of her ass cheeks and her thigh. "Also new."

Smirking, I lean down to press my lips against that one as well as she looks at me over her shoulder. I trail my lips up just slightly, biting down playfully on her ass cheek - causing a laughter filled squeal to leave her, and I feel her lightly kicking her feet.

I lift up onto my knees, grasping her hips to flip her over once more, and I feel that I've grown fully hard again.

"You're really sure, Carter?" I ask her, and she nods.

"I've never been so sure about something before. I want you, Harry. Fuck, I need you. I think I'll cry if you're not in me in the next few minutes."

That causes me to chuckle softly. "I'm going to put on some music, is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course."

I stand up from the bed and grab my phone that's in my pants pocket. Flipping through my apps, I locate Spotify and quickly search the song I had in mind. Once I find it, I place my phone on her nightstand before crawling back over her. The intro starts, and my eyes wander over Carter's face before the vocals kick in.

"I get so lost, sometimes. Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart. When I want to run away I drive off in my car, but whichever way I go I come back to the place you are."

"Harry," she whispers as she trails her fingertips down my biceps, and I see tears filling her eyes.

"Don't cry, please," I lean down to press a kiss against each of her cheeks. "It's how I've pictured this moment for so long."

"You mean to this song?"

"To this song," I nod, reaching down to massage her hips in each of my hands. "This is how I felt about you then, and I haven't been completely honest with you because...this is also how I feel about you now too. I meant what I said earlier. You mean everything to me, Carter Adams."

"How are you going to tell me not to cry, and then say something like that?" Carter laughs, but I can hear the tears filling it.

"Sorry, I just needed to let you know," I lean down to press my lips gently against hers before pulling back just slightly. "Do you have a condom?"

"I do, but...are you okay if we don't use one? I have an IUD, and I'm clean. I got checked after my break up, and I haven't been with anyone since," she cradles my jaw in her palms, the pad of her thumb brushing over my lips. "I just really want to feel you."

"I'm clean as well," I nod, running my hands down from her hips to the outside of her thighs to pull her knees up against me once more. "I'd really like to feel you completely too, Carter."

Reaching out, I grab a pillow from the other side of the bed that she wasn't lying on, and I slip it underneath her hips to have her angled up slightly. "Good?"

"Good," she responds, and I can tell that we're both a bit nervous now that we know this is actually going to happen.

With one hand cupping her waist, I wrap my other hand around my length to guide myself to her. I allow my tip to run through her folds to collect her arousal for a moment before I'm pushing inside. My jaw goes slack, and I choke on a groan when I feel just how tight she is around me with me barely being inside.

"Oh," she moans, grasping to the creases of my arms.

I look up from where we're connected to check on Carter, and she gives me a nod - telling me silently to keep going. I'm slow as I continue to push forward, and once I'm completely inside, I hear a flooded whine leave her.

"H-Harry," she says, and she's immediately demanding my attention when I hear how much emotion is behind my name. "I love you."

Those three words that I never thought I'd hear her say to me again, at least not in context, have me crumbling.

My bottom lip trembles as I cup her cheek in my hand. "I love you too, Carter. I love you so much."

Leaning down, I connect our lips in a passionate kiss, neither of us caring as we feel our tears smearing over each other's cheeks. We stay still for a while, hands caressing each other's bodies while our tongues melt together. It was incredible how perfectly we fit together, and my heart was pounding against my chest due to the intimacy that was surrounding us in every way imaginable.

Our mouths separate with a large 'smack' bouncing off the walls, and smiles are immediately pulling at the corners of our lips.

"I'm gonna start moving, okay?"

"Okay," Carter gives my arms a squeeze, and I draw my hips back halfway before allowing myself to fill her to the brim again.

She sighs out, leaning her head to the side to press her lips against my heart tattoo. My eyes catch hers, and she sends me another soft smile. "New," she mumbles against my skin.

That small gesture has a knot forming in my throat again, but I power through. The only thing I want right now is to give her even more pleasure than I did before. I want to show her how much I love her now, and how much I loved her even before.

After a few more moments of letting her adjust, I begin to fall into a rhythm of plunging my slick cock in and out of her weeping cunt. Carter's walls flutter around me every time I'm fully sheathed back inside, and I look down to see her clit all puffy and inviting. I push one of her legs down onto the bed, and then drape the knee of her other leg over the crease of my arm. Moving onto my knees just a bit more, I begin to thrust at a new angle, and her muscles clamp down the hardest they have.

"That it, baby?" I ask, dropping my free hand to rub the pad of my thumb against her clit. I can feel it pulsing, and I know that she's close to another orgasm already.

"Jesus Christ, Harry," she groans, nails digging into my skin as I keep up my pace. "Splitting me open."

Her words have my prick twitching inside of her, and I know that I'm not going to be able to hold out as long as I want to.

I'll just have to make a promise to make it up to her in the morning.

"Yeah? Got you feeling full?"

"So full," Carter shakes her head from side to side, and her eyes are droopy. I can tell she's trying her hardest to keep them open, and on me.

"You feel so good around me, flower," I compliment, licking over my bottom lip. "Prettiest, and sweetest little pussy squeezing me. Can't get enough can you, hm?"

I watch as her body trembles underneath me, and she opens her mouth to say something, but I feel her walls tightening. Looking down, I can see her second orgasm coating my length, and that causes me to start slipping in and out of her even easier than before.

"That's a good girl," I lean down to press my lips to the corner of hers. "You're 's good for me, Carter."

Carter clutches to me, and I allow her to lift her knees to my hips again so that I can be closer to her. I pant against the side of her neck as my feel my own orgasm festering at the bottom of my spine.

"Where do you want me to come?" I ask, and she's quick to press her heels against the small of my back - forcing me to barely move in and out of her now.

"Inside, please," she begs me, and that's all it takes for me to find my second release.

I can't help but bite down on her shoulder as I pump everything I have inside of her sensitive cunt, and I hear her letting out small mewls and whimpers each time I thrust back in. Once I know she's taken everything from me, I collapse on top of her, but I'm mindful not to bare all my weight.

We cling to each other, sharing small kisses and caresses as we come down from our highs. When I finally find the strength, I push myself up onto one of my palms, my other hand reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind Carter's ear.

"I love you," I tell her, and she smiles up at me - corners of her eyes squinting.

"I love you too."

As I hover over the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, I wonder how I could have ever been so stupid to let her slip away the first time, but I have to remind myself that's in the past. Tonight truly marks the new beginning of this relationship, and I know that it'll bring us both nothing but happiness.

I look at her, and I see not only my future, but also my soulmate. Regardless of what happened before, I know one thing is absolutely true - Carter Adams has always been the love of my life.

Ur single handedly keeping the venture bro fanfics alive and honestly I love you for that thank you for all you do ❤️❤️🫡🫡

😭😭😭 I Literally Love Y'all So Much! You Guys Keep Me Going. Every Time I Log On, My Inbox Is Full And My Posts Are Blowing Up. And, We Hit Over 50 Followers! I Did Not Think I'd Get This Far, Much Less With My Previous Milestone Of Over 20. So As A Thank You, I'm Going to Gift Y'all A Little Holiday Special Featuring Our Favorite Henchman. I Hope You All Enjoy, And Of Course... Happy Holidays!

𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴: "(Glittery -Kacey Musgraves, Troye Sivan)" 0:09 ━●────────── 2:47 ㅤ ㅤ◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ꜱɪɴɢʟᴇ ᴋɪꜱꜱ ɪꜱ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴀ ɢɪꜰᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ

ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴇᴄᴏʀᴀᴛᴇ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ

ᴏʜ, ꜱᴏ ɢʟɪᴛᴛᴇʀʏ

Warnings: Vulgar Language, Possibly OOC It's Christmas, and your boyfriend is nervous to give you a gift of a lifetime. ☆GN!Reader

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house A few creatures were stirring, each person arouse The mansion was decorated with garland and tinsel, In hopes that the air was more merry and blissful

...

It came as a surprise when The Mighty Monarch was hosting a Christmas party, albeit a small one consisting of himself, his wife, Gary, and one special soon-to-be guest: you. The whole house was furnished in Christmas decorations, making the place look jolly and bright. Everyone was surrounded by bells, wreaths, ornaments, and more. It was actually Sheila's idea to throw such a festivity. "To bring us closer together," was her reasoning. "And to give us a damn break from all Guild operatives." Still, everyone agreed and took this minute to breathe. All except for Gary, who was stressing beyond something mad. See, he had plans for this one particular person. Someone he's loved since that faithful day they met. He still has that coffee cup sleeve from the first date you both went on. A couple of days before the party (or rather, a small get-together), he had been looking for advice from his boss. Which became a lesson learned to not ask him. "But what if (Y/N) doesn't like it?" "THEN YOU MAKE THEM LIKE IT-" And then he gave the infamous "I'm The Mighty Monarch" speech, ranting that if it were up to him, you would faint on the spot because it was from him. Gary walked out in the middle of it. He then went to ask Sheila, who told him something that really seemed to help. "Listen, Gary. The only reason (Y/N) won't love your gift is if they don't love you." This really stuck with him. And she was right. But, there was still one other thing... What will you say?

...

There was no reason to get nestled and snug in their beds, While thoughts of cheeriness danced in their heads The Monarch in his cloak and Gary in his sweater, Were trying to keep calm and get things together

...

Seconds ticked by, and you had yet to show up. Minutes turned to hours. The night nearly escaped from them. But The Monarch wouldn't allow it. Being fed up by waiting and waiting, he slammed his fists down and arose from his seat. "Fuck this! I'm not going to sit around anymore and wait for someone for this stupid 'party' that isn't even a party to begin with!" He throws his hands up and waves them around as he exits the room. Sheila gets up to follow him. "Sweetie, it's also a big night for Gary. You don't want to support your best and only henchman?!" Her voice fades out as she leaves to catch up to him. Gary sat at the kitchen table, alone with his thoughts once more. The snacks that were laid out appeared to have gone to waste. He sighs and rests his face on his hand. A million thoughts passes through his mind. Maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe you got caught in traffic. Maybe you got caught in the snow. But if that was the case, wouldn't you give him a call? Wouldn't you be letting him know what's making you so late? Maybe this was a huge mistake... No! Despite his frustration, he fights to stay positive. You're just running late. No way would you ditch him. You would jump at the chance to spend time with him. Especially now during the holidays. He just had to give you more time.

...

When out on the street there arose such a clatter, He sprang from his seat to see what was the matter Away to the window he flew like a flash, Threw open the curtains and saw what caused the clash ...

Being so deep in thought caused more time to pass by. Each agonizing thought made the seconds etch by quicker. He was about to give up and call it a night, when all of a sudden... SCREECH! It was a short, but loud sound. A staccato of car tires stopping. Then came the sound of a car door closing. He jumped up and ran to the window. Instantly, he ripped away the curtains to see if it was you. And sure enough, it was! His eyes lit up as he released the curtains and dashed to the door. You couldn't even lift a hand to knock before Gary had swung it open. "(Y/N)!" He reaches out and pulls you in for a great bear hug. You smile, feeling the warmth radiating off him. It fades a little when he pulls away as quick as he pulled you in. "I was starting to think you gave up on us!" You look down in shame. "I.. tried to call but the reception out here is shoddy. I got lost and couldn't get ahold of you," you explain. You look up to see Gary's eyes full of understanding. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean for this to happen." You awkwardly clench at your coat sleeves. "Hey, hey. It's okay! Look-" He eases your hands in his. "I'm glad you made it," his eyes reflected the light outside. It made your heart melt. That's probably your favorite part of him. The way they always seem to reflect the light. Even in darkness, they'll never lose their glimmer. "Come on, it's freezing out here!" He leads you inside and takes your coat. Already, you feel out of place. This is the first time you've ever come out here, and to finally see this gorgeous mansion on the inside made you feel small. "It's beautiful," you whisper. "How come I've never visited you out here?" You turn to him. He shrugs, then rubs the back of his neck. "It's complicated." With that, he takes you and shows you around. Each room is more breathtaking than the last. And thankfully, you're distracted enough to not see how fidgety Gary was getting. Or so he thought. When he led you out to the balcony is when you caught on to his nervousness.

... The moon on the breast of new-fallen snow, Gave the luster of mid-day to to objects below When what to your wondering eyes appear, You boyfriend all shaken and taken by fear ...

"...Are you oka-" "GREAT! I'm great. Are you cold? I should have brought your coat back. I should probab-" "Calm down, Gary. I'm fine," you gently grab his hand. Your turn to lead. You take him to the railing. Letting his hand go, you lean over and look out. He does the same. Snow covers the ground, everything blanketed in white. The sky is surprisingly clear for it to be in the city. You take a glance back at Gary to see he's white-knuckling the rail. Everything about him is suddenly tense. You place a hand on one of his, accidentally startling him. You look at him worriedly. "Gary, something's clearly bothering you. What's the matter?" ... With his brain working overtime and thoughts flying quick, He knew in a moment that this must be it More rapid than eagles this time surely had came, Now here he stood, gift in hand, and asked you by name ...

He takes in a deep breath, then clasps onto your shoulders. "I love you. You know that right?" You cock an eyebrow. "Of course! Why would you ask something like thi-" "Because I love you so much," he starts. "I love the way you smile at the little things. I love that you laugh at anything and everything. You're so sweet, and you're quick to help out whenever you can," his grip on you loosens more after each word falls out his mouth. "Y-you are like, the highlight of my life. You helped me through a lot," his hands travel down your arms to lock with your hands. "We even fought tooth and nail to be with each other." You laugh at the thought. But when you found out he had to move to New York, your heart broke. So you did all you could to maintain a long distance relationship. And you eventually saved up enough to move there, even if you lived in a small apartment. "And most importantly, you loved me for who I was. E-even before my transformation." Your eyes begin to water as you give a slight giggle. You remember the way he first looked, but you didn't care. You loved him for him. His geekiness only added to his attractiveness. "And for the past few years, we've gotten to know each other so well that..." He gets down on one knee. "I wanted to give, er... Ask something special of you," he pulls out a velvet box from his pocket. His heart begins to race. Your hands fly to your mouth and your eyes grow to the size of dinner plates. Your heartbeat matches his. "(Y/N)," he lifts the top of the box to reveal a stunning, sparkling ring. "Will you-" "Yes!" You throw yourself on him and wrap your arms around his neck, almost knocking him over. You both burst into tears. After having a little happy cry fest, you both got up. He then slid the ring on your finger. You both share a much-loving kiss under the stars. The hardest part is over, he thought. ...

They spoke not a word, but went straight to surprise, And opened the balcony door to see their prize And they were happy seeing the two side by side, And were excited to see that you had not denied ...

You both were about to head back inside to warm up, but you were met with the other power couple. "Congratulations!" Dr. Mrs. The monarch walked up to give you a hug. "Now let me see that rock," she lifts your hand up to inspect your ring. All while you two banter, The Monarch shares a few words with his loyal henchman. "I knew you had it in you, you dog!" They exchange their secret handshake, to which makes Mrs. Monarch give them a disappointing look. Everyone starts to head back inside. Everyone except for you. Gary sees you stalling and goes over to see what you were waiting for. "You okay?" It took a moment for you to register that he had said something. "Yeah, I just... had to collect myself," you grasp at your heart. And then there's a small pause. "I'm going to marry the love of my life!" You flap your hands and bounce on your tippy toes. You are just exploding with pure happiness. "Me too!" You share another kiss, holding each other's faces. Then he draws back and rests his forehead against yours. "I guess this means I'm not your boyfriend anymore," he chuckles. "Gary, you're such a dork." "Yeah, but I'm your dork," he boops your nose. After that, you go in to finally party. Thankfully, there was a bottle of champagne that was saved for special occasions such as this. Everyone had their glasses full, and everyone commemorated the newly engaged. "Merry Christmas, my dear," you kiss Gary's cheek. The other two "aww" to this display off affection. Your fiancé's face turns almost as red as the bows arranged on the wreaths. The rest of the night is spent with joy and laughter. You're very excited to be joining the family. ...

Everyone sprang to the inside to celebrate this new chapter, And away they all honor you joining hereafter And there they make a toast, all doused in Christmas light "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" ...

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

Again, Thank You All So Much For All The Attention You Give Me. I Cannot Thank You Enough. Much Love To Everyone This Holiday Season! You're All The Best Gift I Could Ever Ask For!

Drarry As Parents Fic Recs

I answered a request for fics in which Draco and/or Harry were parents ages ago, & I figured I'd throw 'em up here for people to reference & share as they liked. There are even two non-explicit recs this time, y'all! Does this mean I'm slightly less of a degenerate yet? (Probably not, oh well, lol.) Anyway, onto the recs!

All I Want For Christmas (Is For You To Stop Talking) by Femme & Noe (E, 162.9k)

Thoughts: This fic manages to feel like a slow burn to me despite taking place over the course of a month, & not only that, it's one of my favorites. I loved Draco & Harry as dads, & the whole concept of them sniping at each other over a children's holiday pageant made me laugh heartily. This was so well-written, & I enjoyed every bit of it.

Queer Eye for the Drarry Guys by Blowfish_Diaries (T, 18.2k)

Thoughts: I mean, what can I say other than that this was perfection? The Fab Five giving Harry & Draco makeovers at the behest of their adoring (& meddling) son Teddy was too precious for words. This was so fluffy & domestic & sweet that it nearly rotted my teeth out my head. It was lovely how much they cared for Teddy & what great dads they obviously were. I was floating on a cloud for hours after reading this. It was that cute.

Let It Fall by Buildyourwalls (E, 116.3k)

Thoughts: This is one of the most staggering portrayals of grief in fic I've ever read. My heart went out to Draco & Scorpius, & I cried a grand total of seven times reading this. It was gorgeously written, & every single character was fleshed out & engaging to read. Harry & Draco's slowly growing relationship had me spellbound, & I was so wrung out by the time I finished reading this I couldn't pick up another fic for a full day, if not longer. This is a must read. It's absolutely gorgeous.

Pocket Full of Starlight (Never Let It Fade Away) by Femme & Noe (E, 46.3k)

Thoughts: Okay, okay. I usually try not to double up on authors in the same rec list, but this fic really is just that good. This is a Parent Trap AU, & how frigging cute is that?! Jamie & Scorpius' rivalry at Quidditch camp had me in stitches, & the tension between Harry & Draco was electrifying. I particularly loved their characterizations. I highly recommend this. It was fantastic!

'Twas Brillig by Queenie_Mab (E, 73.9k)

Thoughts: I loved Harry's kids & his relationship with them in this. The trans characters were incredibly relatable, & my heart went out to the younger in particular with her struggle in coming out. I won't go into more details so as not to spoil that part, but it was very nicely done. Harry's own struggle with his sexuality made my heart hurt for him, & the split with Ginny was messy & painful. His & Draco's coming together was a fascinating read, & the smut was hot as hell. The case fic aspect took a backseat for me here. I was much more invested in the character's personal journeys, but both aspects of the fic were very well done.

Burn the Witch by lettersbyelise (E, 95.8k)

Thoughts: The author wrote Draco beautifully as someone who really grew out of the prejudices his parents instilled in him & found his own mind & voice & purpose in a really meaningful way. I thought his relationship with Scorpius was beautiful, & their take on a child on the autism spectrum was handled with care & aplomb. Ernestina was one of my favorite OCs ever in a story. She's really fantastic.

Harry seemed to slip right into their lives so comfortably, & I liked how natural that felt. Like it was bound to happen (because of course it was, haha). I loved how fiercely protective he was of both Draco & Scorpius, & they caught his endless capacity for love just perfectly in this story. The action scenes were wrenching, though minor in the scheme of things. This was an absolutely gorgeous story.

A Big Black Sky by AlexMeg (E, 90.5k)

Thoughts: At first I almost stopped reading this because a noncon tag wasn't included by the author, but to be fair they did put trigger warnings at the beginning of the chapters. That in mind, I skimmed what I couldn't handle & carried on. Otherwise, I really enjoyed this fic. The depth of emotion was beautiful, & I was so touched by Draco's love for his son. Harry's protectiveness made me warm inside, & watching them make their slow, fumbling way toward being a family with Draco, Scorpius, Harry & Teddy all together was so satisfying. I think the author handled the subjects of domestic violence & sexual assault with as much grace & tact as one can while writing a difficult narrative. I honestly don't think a good parent Drarry rec list would be complete without it. Just mind the tags because it definitely pulls no punches with the content it covers.

Where the treetops glisten (and children listen) by manixzen (T, 16.2k)

Thoughts: This was so heartwarming & lovely that I couldn't stop smiling through nearly the entire thing. I loved the idea of Harry & Draco being forced to spend time together due to babysitting Teddy for a week, & the opportunities for adorable hi-jinks were abundant indeed! Teddy pitting Harry & Draco against each other by playing to their need to be seen as his favorite was hilarious. I won't give anymore away, but this was so fluffy & cute it made my mood instantly brighten just from reading it.

Turn by Saras_Girl (E, 306.7k)

Thoughts: A must-read for many Drarry fans, I couldn't help but include Turn in this list because Harry's relationships with his kids & Maura are prominent (& very touching) features. The fic itself is a glimpse into what could have been if Harry made a different choice one night in sixth year & how that chance takes him in a direction he never quite saw coming. The whole story is spellbinding & gripped me until the very end. I've read it five or six times at this point if that tells you anything, so if you haven't yet, you bloody well should!

Harry Potter and the Great Cat Caper by Kbrick (E, 78.6k)

Thoughts: I enjoyed this fic overall, & I laughed a lot in the first half. It takes a turn a bit further in, & I'm including a couple more specific warnings the author did not because I felt they warranted mention. They do warn at the beginning of the chapter in which it happens for the death of a pet, but there is a mistaken identity via Polyjuice plot point involving secondary characters that definitely needs a dubious consent tag due to them engaging in sex acts without disclosing the deception. That said, it does come through with a happy ending, & the Harry & Pansy friendship is definitely a standout in this.

Last week I attended a seminar at my university on how to write a good DEI (Diversity Equity and Inclusion) statement. I misunderstood the nature of the seminar topic: I was thinking it would be advice on how to write a diversity statement as part of an academic job application (as I have to submit for the great majority of applications I do now-a-years; as recently as 2015 or so it was only a few California schools that asked for this). Instead it was on DEI statements for companies and institutions. I had only noticed the existence of these in the back of my mind (although I suppose I'm going to take more notice of them from now on), because I don't know when I'd ever find myself in a position of having to write such a thing as part of the face of an institution/department.

But the seminar was interesting in its own way. Since 2020 or so, I've attended a good handful of different seminars/talks/meetings/orientations at my academic institutions that are in some way related to DEI or marginalization within academia or something closely adjacent. I typically find something thought-provoking and a potentially useful concrete idea here and there among all the insubstantial and unreflective fluff. I would say that this time, the fluff-to-meaningful-idea ratio was unusually skewed, however. I want to jot down what I recollect from this meeting before the details start to fade, as I think a lot of it is emblematic of this moment in our academic culture.

The seminar began with a bingo get-to-know-you game, where we had to go around the room acquainting ourselves with each other and seeing if we could find someone to fulfill each characteristic on identical sloppily-written 3x3 bingo boards (using one person to satisfy multiple squares was cheating). I think I hadn't done this kind of thing since high school. I found a number of the squares to be a recipe for awkward conversations, in a way that seems to be becoming a typical norm within this particular subculture: for instance, "is of Gen X" (do we need to be estimating each other's ages?), "uses they/them pronouns" (misspelled as "pronounce" -- I personally hate going around asking and telling people my pronouns, and I'm pretty sure a significant number of trans people feel the same way), and "someone that has a different racial identity than you" (shouldn't be too awkward, but it kind of is). Also, "observes religious holidays": are we going to be asking each other's religions now, or do non-religious people celebrating something like Christmas count, so that the description applies to a vast majority? Bemusingly, nobody in the room of 15 or so people used they/them pronouns, and we all wound up with bingo cards completely filled out except for that one square.

It's hard to find words to describe the overall tone and vibe of the seminar leader, except to say that she somehow epitomized a certain inflection and sense of humor that I'm coming to strongly associate with marginalized-demographic SJ activist types I see in real life. The closest I can come to describing it is coming across like a deliberately crafted attempt to appear superficially upbeat and energized and constantly inserting good-natured, almost light-hearted, shallowly tame jokes here and there while at the same time looking like that takes real effort because beneath it all you're just so tired and the world around you sucks so much.

The leader of the seminar began with a spiel about how she refuses to be just a black face used as token for these roles, but requires that everyone actually care about her voice, or else she would rather not be chosen at all. She talked about how our university is often praised for its diversity and would appear at first blush to be doing pretty well at that, yet when you look at the athletics program you see some kind of racial disparity among the students (she was vague on what) so clearly we're not as anti-racist as we pretend to be. This was probably the closest the discussion got to the topic of concrete evidence that we (or any particular place) are falling short, rather than basing it on the wording in DEI statements (what?! see below) or vague ratings that marginalized academics give and that nobody claimed even exist non-hypothetically.

There was a good bit of discussion on the "cultural tax" of members of marginalized groups having to do the lion's share of the work in organizing/running programs/initiatives or otherwise working to get departments' attention with regard to DEI issues. Whenever this comes up, nobody shows any sign of reflecting on the obvious severe tension between this complaint and the popular notion that only marginalized people should be in leadership roles for social justice activism and only their voices can be the source of valid ideas in this arena.

There was also some minor discussion about how to measure results (with "results" being how marginalized academics feel about their environment), which might even start to get one's hope's up that something concrete will actually come out of this, except that the consensus was that it seems almost hopelessly impossible to track anything like this (it would have to be done through surveys, and it's hard to get enough colleagues to even participate in surveys).

Obviously some of the seminar was on what to include or not include in DEI statements, with examples given of good DEI statements at certain companies and universities. There was one main point, which I would summarize as follows: don't just say you work towards diversity and inclusion in vague tidy-sounding language that doesn't actually mean anything, but demonstrate concretely in the statement exactly how you work towards diversity and inclusion... through vague tidy-sounding language that doesn't actually mean anything. Or in other words, don't just say something in a flowery way about DEI being great; say something longer with more pointed-yet-flowery phrases about how much you care about DEI. This was honestly pretty much all I could glean from what was clearly meant to be the leader's overarching point.

She picked carefully over examples of DEI statements at a couple of companies and four universities. Her only criticism was with one of them using the phrase "all types of people", which she condemned as problematic without explaining why or offering an alternative (nobody asked; I almost did). She spent a lot of time reading meaning into particular (very stock and cliche) phrases of different statements. To what I consider a ridiculous extent, she claimed with confidence and an air of wisdom that each phrase about intent reflected a corresponding problem that the department had had just prior to writing the statement. For instance, Boise State's DEI statement includes an email address to report problematic behavior to, which means hooo boy there really must have been a particularly large amount of problematic behavior at Boise State that needed reporting. More absurdly, much was read into particular words in Cornell's statement -- specifically, the phrase "communicate, cooperate, and collaborate with diverse individuals", whose inclusion of the word "collaboration" indicates specifically that oooh Cornell must have had an unusually serious problem with collaboration for instance! -- that couldn't possibly just mean the writers thought it would sound nice to put three fancy-but-vaguely-commonplace verbs beginning with co- in succession.

Everyone else in the room nodded along in solemn reverence for all of the points being made in the seminar. I guess I'm just weird and obtuse for coming away from discussions like this one feeling that they consisted mostly of waffle and twaddle.

The Cullens: When They Celebrate Christmas

a/n this isn't meant to restrict the cullens to a specific religion or race or anything, but i'd like to think they enjoy being festive, and celebrate it as a gift giving holiday, since birthdays don't really mean much. also, thanksgiving is used as a reference point quite a bit... sorry. also…. Requests are always open!! Prompt or no prompt. that being said... let's go!

Carlisle

Actually,,, he doesn't celebrate much.

often is very swept up in doctor life to think about what to do for the holidays, so ends up celebrating about a week before christmas

Esme

Starts planning from the day after thanksgiving, no earlier, no later. She loves giving her children presents that make them happy, even if Edward and Alice tend to see them coming

Jasper

Doesn't care for christmas, only celebrates it on the 24th and 25th.

like alice to be happy though, so he frequently is begged to make everyone get in the holiday mood

Alice

did she ever stop? she's busy planning, all the time, for her christmas festivities

only begins to take things seriously on the saturday after thanksgiving, she takes the passing of holidays very seriously

why saturday though?

for alice, black friday is a holiday.

Emmett

waits till 11:59 on halloween night, and the moment it strikes midnight, and changes in to november, he's already got the whole set up. he is ready and raring to go

Rosalie

she takes after esme in this sense. she's happy to encourage emmett's holiday cheer, but will refuse to do anything winter related until december 1st.

Edward

it's very gradual for him. as the minds around him begin to get in to the mood, he does too.

he doesn't care much for the idea of thanksgiving (or the family's proposed equivalent), but refuses to allow november be a holiday month. as such, he spends a lot of effort tuning out emmett in particular

Bella

she never had a big thanksgiving, because she never wanted to cook a whole banquet by herself, so she has made thanksgiving and black friday the unofficial christmas set up days, or else neither of her parents would think to decorate

she doesn't start listening to holiday music until november 30th, though, when she finally caves and indulges just a little

Yk what, questions that aren't on the list I don't think, I can't remember.

1, what's your favourite book/ movie/ general media genre?

2, if you went to an ice cream shop that had literally every kind of toppings would you get them, if so which ones? (can be real or fictional toppings)

3, was there a specific famous historical event that you wanted to go differently than it had to? If you had the chance to change it, no repercussions, would you?

4, favourite high street food place?

5, avocados: yes or no?

6, which era's clothing style do you like the most? Any particular reason why?

7, where would you like to go if you properly got your retirement?

8, roller skates or ice skates? Both in their respective correct environments, and like just walking down a street in them

9, is there a topic you'd like to know more about?

10, do you have a favourite holiday?

Sorry I took so long to get round to this, there hasn't been many opportunities to just sit down and think about my answers today. I do have some time now though.

Probably documentary style or true crime. I prefer non-fiction to fiction, it's interesting, especially if I discover something I didn't know about already.

Probably marshmallows, the small ones. And then some kind of chocolate sauce? Or brownie pieces. Warm brownie pieces.

I know better than to fuck with history. Besides, I don't think there's any famous historical events I would be interested in changing. Maybe I'd prevent the assassination of Kennedy, as a treat for Diego. I don't know.

I don't think I have one. I like most food places. There isn't really one that's favored above the others? I guess I don't like Indian food as much because I can't stomach it most of the time. My stomach likes to reject anything too spicy.

I don't care for them. So no.

1920s. It's probably obvious why, I like formal wear. Fashion was classy back then.

Someplace quiet. Probably up north? Maybe Canada, or Alaska. Or in one of the Scandinavian countries... Iceland and Norway are particularly beautiful, if I had a house somewhere scenic, I could probably settle down quite happily.

Ice skates, they make a better impromptu weapon. I'd rather walk down the streets in roller-skates though, they'd make travelling a hell of a lot easier.

I wouldn't mind knowing more about psychology. It's always interesting to learn what makes people tick. It also helps with introspection.

Do birthdays count? I haven't had many opportunities to celebrate anything else. Dad was never one for holidays, or celebrations in general. We didn't really do Halloween, or Christmas. Or Thanksgiving. So I'm not attached to any of them.

Hello again, it's Santa here once more!

The elves have been a bit overworked, but they have your gift well in mind now.

Just a few more questions for you...

Are there any fic tropes you especially like to see used in stories? Things that just really make your heart melt - or make you cackle with glee and bounce excitedly in your seat? I would love to include little touches like that for you, if possible.

Also, are there any particular holiday traditions you share with your family and friends that are unique, or that you really hold close to your heart?

We're getting closer now, hope you are enjoying the festive season!!

Hey Santa!

-brain fart in progress, what even is a trope?-

Comfort of any kind? lol um... Righteously protective Killian? Bagel or Winged Simian karma? Papa Charming? Use of Canon lines in AUs? Hugging someone that really needs it, even if they don't respond at first and them just melting into it and being so grateful that the other person just KNEW (that seems oddly specific for a trope, sorry!)

I know it's taken me a while to reply to this, I actually found it quite difficult to articulate and not get upset. Christmas has changed quite a lot in our family over the years and a lot of this is things that I miss doing in the run up to Christmas. They've stopped for a variety of reasons, some of which I talk about with each specific thing.

I used to spend hours with my Nanna building a village snow scene on her mantelpiece with these tiny houses and some of them lit up and... it was just something that I will always treasure because I know we're not going to get many more Christmases with her, but we can't do it this year because of the building work to add a carer flat over their garage that my mum and step dad can move into. We used to do a 'girls day out' where we'd drive to a neighbouring town and do Christmas shopping, but it became harder for Nanna to walk places and with her dementia it got to be too much for everyone to cope with. The other thing we aren't doing this year is the extended family Christmas eve. We invited my mum and uncles cousins for dinner on Christmas eve, so that everyone could go do things with other sides of families Christmas day and we'd have gammon (and I'd snaffle all the leftover pineapple) and then steamed pudding for dessert (with so much treacle syrup I felt sick) and it's just a thing that we haven't managed to do properly in a while and I miss it.

So I don't know if any of that is particularly unique, but for me it's all about the memories of spending time with family, some of whom aren't here any more, but those are the ones that will always stick out.

Oh, and the fact that mum and I are a bit obsessed with Christmas trees and one year the house had... 8 or 9 Christmas trees of various sizes. I've only got a tiny one this year, but mum and I put hers up together last night and it was really special to be able to share that with her again.

May I have This Dance?

Title: May I Have This Dance?

Theme: Holiday Dinner/Party (Day 12)

Fandom/Characters: AEW, Kenny Omega x Reader

Warnings: Age Gap implied, Mention of smut, but no actual smut

Word Count: 1,198

Notes: I actually did it! I survived all 12 days! I honestly didn't think I'd be able to finish this challenge, and I almost backed out before day 1 😅 But I'm so proud of myself for pushing through. So to finish off strong, here's my longest submission of this whole challenge. Thank you to everyone who read my fics, and a huge thank you to @thunderkiss86 for doing this challenge and for all the support she's given me ❤️

@12daysofchristmas @thunderkiss86

The annual AEW Christmas party was always something the roster looked forward to.

A time to let loose and have some fun before the holidays.

While the rest of The Elite were having a great time, Kenny wanted to be anywhere else.

That's what he kept telling himself, but he knew it wasn't entirely true. He did want to be at the Christmas party, he just wanted to be with one particular person so they could be enjoying the party together.

His eyes scanned the room, spotting the one who was always on his mind lately.

Y/N stood with a few of the other girls, her bright smile lighting up the room. He could hear her sweet laugh from where he stood.

She was a younger wrestler, still in the beginning of her career. For her short time in the ring, she had talent well beyond her years. She had caught the eye of Tony Khan, and was offered a contract.

At first she was just another wrestler in the company, Kenny had only ever exchanged casual pleasantries with her.

And then around her third month with the company, He had found her alone in the ring hours before the show. She had been running drills.

Kenny, being the mentor he was, stopped to give her some tips. Which then turned into a sparring session. And before either of them knew it, they were getting ready to celebrate their six month anniversary.

Kenny was very adamant about keeping their relationship secret, telling her that no one could know. He felt bad, hiding the love they had for each other, but he knew it could hurt both of their careers if anyone found out. He could tell she wasn't thrilled with the idea, but agreed to keep things quiet.

His paranoia was the reason they hadn't spoken at all the last few days leading up to the party.

-------A Few Days Earlier--------

"Hey, I know we're keeping our relationship private, but do you think we could maybe hang out together at the party? It would just be like we're friends, I don't think anyone will think anything of it" Y/N innocently asked, holding up different dress options in front of the mirror.

Kenny chuckled from where he laid on the bed, watching her dig through her luggage.

"Baby, it's not a good idea. We've never spent time together backstage, so people are going to think it's weird that we're suddenly 'friends' hanging out at a party." He shrugged.

"We've never hung out backstage because you've never let me hang out." She frowned. "You talk to all the other girls about their matches, but then avoid me at all costs. Everyone thinks you hate me or something".

"I doubt anyone thinks that." He creased his brows.

"Yesterday Nyla asked me what I did to piss you off" She gave him a pointed look.

Kenny frowned. He hadn't realized how cold he had been while trying to keep their relationship under wraps.

"I just don't want people to get any bad ideas about us being together." He sighed.

"People can think whatever they want, because we know the truth about us and that's all that matters." She shrugged, setting the dresses aside to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Fans can be brutal Y/N. They're going to trash your name and accuse you of sleeping around to get to where you are." He looked at her.

"What are they going to do? Tweet me mean things? I don't have Twitter so it won't affect me. Comment on my Instagram? It's a private account so still not an issue." She shrugged.

Kenny sighed, dragging a hand over his face, "I'm just trying to protect you."

"I don't need to be protected. They don't sign my paycheck, so who cares what they think. Anyone in this company can think what they want. But me, you, and Tony know that I'm here because I worked hard and I'm only going to get better. You're so focused on a problem that doesn't actually exist." Her voice raised at the end.

"Why does this matter so much? We're happy together, we don't need to open ourselves up to everyone." Kenny shrugged, dismissing the conversation.

Y/N had stood up, and looked straight into his eyes.

"I'm tired of you being ashamed of me." She said, hurt evident in her voice.

Before he could say anything, she had left the room.

------ Back To Present------

"You haven't been yourself the last few days." Matt broke him out of his trance, leaning on the wall next to Kenny with a cup of coffee in hand.

"I've just had a lot on my mind." Kenny shrugged.

"Does it have anything to do with Y/N?" Matt asked so nonchalantly that it caused Kenny to freeze.

"What?" He asked, brows furrowed.

"You've been staring at her all night." Matt chuckled.

"No I haven't" Kenny denied with a shake of his head.

"Look, don't get mad. But Nick & I know that you two are together. So does Tony and Cody." Matt looked over at him.

Kenny looked at him in shock, Matt cut him off before he could start firing off questions.

"She came to us last month. She wanted to disclose your relationship to all the EVP's so that way if anything did happen, you both were protected." Matt glanced at him. "She did exactly what anyone dating within the company is supposed to do. She didn't want anyone to mention it to you because she knew how secret you wanted to keep things."

"She was just protecting you both" Matt clapped him on the shoulder. "For what it's worth, she really cares about you Kenny. If you're happy with her, then forget what everyone's going to say."

Matt left him in his thoughts. Kenny looked around and spotted Y/N again, standing off to the side of the dance floor.

For once, Kenny decided to stop thinking and just act on what his heart told him.

He walked across the dance floor, coworkers parting to let him through. He stopped in front of Y/N, a small smile on his face as he held his hand out to her.

"May I have this dance?" He smiled.

"What are you doing?" She looked up at him with wide eyes, and then glanced around the room.

"I'm done caring about everyone else. They can think whatever they want. All I care about is dancing with the girl I love." Kenny looked into her eyes.

A smile lit up Y/N's face, and she slid her hand into his.

He led her right to the middle of the dance floor, his hands settling on her hips as she slid her arms over his shoulders.

"I love you" She smiled, looking at him like he was the only person in the room.

"I love you too." He grinned, leaning down to kiss her as they slow-danced.

They felt like they were the only two people in a crowded room, and for the first time in six months, Kenny felt as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

For your holiday darkfics, I'd like to request an angel reader/demon Steve, with "Your soul is mine", "Oh, did someone get lonely?", and "Remind me why I can't kill the carolers?" -🐇

your soul is mine | steve rogers 

[Warnings] dark!steve rogers x reader, demon!steve x angel!reader, noncon, kidnapping

a/n: this was a lot of fun, i hope you enjoy!

In which you’re an angel and a demon named Steve Rogers owns your soul. 

word count: 1.6k 

taglist: @buckysbunny @cherienymphe @hollandsdream @micki-smiles @buckybarnesplumwhore @brattypeony @hermayone @buckysugar @mischiefmanaged011 @visintaes @watercoolerpaint @disaster-rose

A darkness wrapped around you, invading your dream state. You went from imagining a shining sun over a meadow, running with your brothers and sisters to a setting sun and scorched earth. Your eyes snapped open and you found your captor looking at you from across the room. 

“Oh, did someone get lonely?” Steve noticed how you were curled up in your bed, hugging a book and pillow tightly. You sat up quickly, pushing the book to the side and your hair from your face, “You could hold me at night if you wished.”

You had to admit that the body that Steve was inhabiting was quite handsome. He probably chose someone strong and handsome, knowing how far it would get him in the real world. Still, the blonde hair didn’t quite match those black eyes. 

“I’d never be able to sleep with you so close to me,” You said, distaste in your tone, “And you’d probably be miserable showing any ounce of affection.”

Steve smirked, “Who said anything about affection? I imagine sinful things when I think of lying next to you, darling. Rough …. cruel, ungodly things. Your devout leader wouldn’t let you back into his gates after what I’d do to you-”

You looked away, “Stop it, please. I know what you’re trying to do.”

“I know, I know, I won’t get a rise out of you. I’ve been torturing angels for two hundred years and I’ve never made one raise their voice. Even if I’m sawing off their little wings, they won’t say a cruel word towards me … it’s quite infuriating.”

You couldn’t help but imagine that pain, like your soul being torn from your body. 

“If I’m no different than the rest then I’m not sure why you keep me around,” Unexpectedly, you saw his smirk falter. He’d been stoic for your entire kidnapping but your words had struck a chord in his empty heart. 

“Your soul is mine,” He said, “And, sadly, that’s worth quite a lot so I have to get a good use out of you. Speaking of, get up and get dinner ready.”

He snapped his finger and the chain connected to the bed frame detached from the collar around your neck. The sigil engraved into the metal was a kind of angel trap which kept you tethered to the house and your powers at bay. You frowned, “You said you’d give me a break for the Holidays.”

“You know better to trust a Demon, I shouldn’t have to explain that,” Steve spoke, sound amused, “And I’ve decided that I want to get into the holiday spirit and it’s in your best interest to be merry and jolly just like me. Up, up, up.”

You stood up from the bed, your white dress falling down to your ankles, and you made your way past him. He followed you down the hallway and to the stairs. The home was old and gothic, decked out in antiques. As you made your way down the stairs, you realized why he was following. 

The house was decorated in red and green, fairy lights, and even a Christmas tree, “So? Do you feel like a human again?”

You didn’t answer immediately as you admired everything. It reminded you of a time that was very far away, “It’s beautiful,” He sensed your hesitance as you worried this was all an elaborate trick, “Why?”

Steve shrugged, “I wanted to see what the excitement was all about.”

“And do you feel it? The holiday spirit?”

He smiled, ignoring your question “I feel like I could go for a delicious Christmas Eve dinner. Get to work.”

+

You were intently listening to the cascade of angelic of voices coming from outside the door. Looking out the living room, you saw them walking along the sidewalk and singing The Little Drummer Boy. 

“Remind me why I can’t kill the carolers?” Steve asked from his chair as he stared down the burning fire. You’d finish dinner moments ago and had resigned to the living room.

“Just let one beautiful thing exist, please,” You looked at them longingly, wishing you could feel the snow, and sing the lord’s praises. Surprisingly, Steve didn’t immediately respond. A while passed and the voices of the carolers faded away and so did your peace. 

He snapped his fingers and you were out of your trance. You turned to face him, his hellish eyes burning holes into your skin, “Let’s play a game, angel,” He smiled. 

“A game?” At first, your thoughts were innocent. You imagined a board game or cards but those thoughts didn’t last long, “I’d rather not.”

“I’m sure you’d rather keep your wings as well.”

You crossed your arms, “Fine.”

“Good girl,” He smirked, “How about a simple game of Truth or Dare?”

“... Do I get to ask you questions too?” Steve’s eyes narrowed at you, “It’s only fair.”

“Right, it’s only fair. Come, sit,” He beckoned you over and you assumed he wanted you to sit on the couch but he stopped you, “No, here, on your knees.”

You paused, trying to swallow your fear. You stepped in front of him before moving down to your knees. You imagined that he wanted to maintain your power imbalance. He couldn’t have you feeling any sort of pride when you asked him truth or dare. 

“Truth or Dare, angel?” He asked, leaning forward, his eyes on your collar. 

“Truth,” You answered, looking up at him.

“Are you waiting for a particular, little boy angel or girl angel to come and save you?”

You tried to hide the emotion in your eyes, “No … not one that you haven’t already killed.” You couldn’t look at his smile without tears brimming in your eyes. He opened his mouth, probably to say something hurtful but you interrupted, “Your turn. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.” 

“Why haven’t you killed me?”

He hesitated which you hadn’t expected. Demons weren’t known for having feelings, Satan had tortured it out of all of them, but you thought you saw a glimpse of something in his eyes, “I enjoy watching you break every day. Usually, I get quite bored of angels after a while. Not you.”

“But-”

“Your turn. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.”

“You can’t say Truth twice.”

“I’ve never heard of such a rule.”

“I just made it up,” Steve grinned, “Now, what’s a good dare for an angel? I dare you to … kiss me.”

Your eyes widened and you shook your head, “No, please, anything else.”

Your words angered him, “You could kiss something else of mine-”

“Steve…” You tried to plead with your big doe eyes, “I know you think I’m different than the others … I’m not.”

He leaned forward, his hand grabbing your face, and you shut your eyes tightly, “You are. I can see something you cannot,” Warmth spread through your body and you felt waves of darkness and violent pictures in your mind, “Kiss me. I won’t ask again.”

Shaking, you leaned forward, your eyes blinking open. Steve had closed his eyes, waiting for your lips to touch his. His fingers touched your neck and hair. Your lips were soft against his, despite how stiff you were from the nervousness. Steve stroked your cheek with his thumb as he slowly moved his lips against yours. 

He heard you whimper and his anger began to grow. The kiss deepened, and Steve got more rough as he explored your mouth. You grabbed his arm, trying to pull away, and Steve felt the light inside you only for a moment before it was stomped out. 

When you roughly pulled away, Steve knew he’d sunk his talons into you. Your eyes were dark, the light fading away, as you were overcome with emotions. You fell back on your elbows, breathing heavily, before you wiped your mouth, “What … what did you do?”

“You don’t know what happens when you kiss a demon?” Steve turned his head, looking down at you curiously. 

You scrambled away, getting to your feet, though you felt a bit lightheaded, “Y-You took my light …,” You breathed out, “No more games. Stay … please don’t touch me.”

Steve stood up, his shadow draping over you, and you stepped back, “I didn’t take it,” Steve chuckled, “I destroyed it, darling. You’ve been here in purgatory for months, you’re incredibly weak, and you won’t survive with all that good inside you. You need me.”

“I’d rather die.”

“I’d rather keep you around,” You turned to run but he grabbed you by your upper arm, pulling you into him, “Destroying that purity… fucking that darkness into you, that’s what I want.”

That winter night, Steve held you down in front of the burning fireplace. He tasted you in unthinkable ways, giving you a pleasure you’d never experienced, dipping his fingers inside of you. It hurt and you screamed but that feeling didn’t last long. He took his time making sure you were a moaning mess and, by the time, he entered you, you were a wet chasm wanting to be filled. 

He’d thrust into you deeply and watch how your eyes grew darker and darker. You tried holding onto whatever good things you could and, because it was your nature, you still wished for him to be saved. 

Your body was still writhing when he collapsed beside you. You had nothing left to say, feeling great shame for letting a demon pleasure you. “You’ll thank me later … for helping you.” Still, he carried you up to bed that night, leaving so you could sleep without the nightmares his touch would bring. 

Before you closed your eyes, you realized he hadn’t connected the chain on your collar to the bed. Though a dark cloud now surrounded your heart, you thought that maybe some of your light had sunk into him. 

So I had Covid over the Christmas holidays. I was stuck in quarantine for 11 days till my tests were finally negative. Now, just over a week later, my flatmate has tested positive too. He got it from people at his work. He's in his room, quarantining.

I already lost a week of work, and unfortunately, of pay, given my particular situation of employment. I'm currently waiting for my boss to message me back to tell me if I'm allowed to go into work next week. I think it's likely they'll make me do a test daily, and as long as I test negative each time, then everything should continue normally. This is one more thing that adds to everything going on lately. Feels like this new year has come full of bad luck.

This week my shower broke. Our downstairs neighbor came up saying his ceiling was leaking water. It took 4 days to get it fixed. So at least that's out of the way. At least for now. But like, it was just another thing.

This weekend I was supposed to be meeting my sister and brother for lunch and to chill and catch up, since I didn't see them for Christmas. But obviously, due to fucking covid, I'm not able to go. My sister is only here for a few hours as she is going to the airport to catch a flight. It's too risky to meet up really anyway...but, I'm frustrated at the whole situation. I have fucking had it with this pandemic. Idk if pandemic burnout is a thing, but I for sure have it...

Work is also super intense lately, and next week it's getting even busier. I work about 11 hours a day, Monday through Friday. I hardly have time for lunch or to myself. My social life is nonexistent, and even when I have a little more time on Saturday or Sunday, I'm so exhausted that it's hard to make plans. It's also hard to coordinate plans and schedules in adult life. Everyone has their own job and obligations to take care of. Everything takes a lot of effort and planning. It's exhausting. I miss the spontaneous nature of my life back down south.

I moved to Madrid in the last week of August. It's January now. A friend asked me on videocall recently if I'd made any new friends. I said not really. I haven't had that much free time. And when I have had it, I tried to meet the friends I already knew here. All 2 of them...My coworkers are just that, coworkers. We're not friends, but we're not not friends. I don't actually see them that much either since we're all doing individual sessions in individual rooms.

Am I lonely? Sometimes. When I have some time to myself and my brain starts to actually think instead of just do do do, go go go.

I've started this year off more depressed than I have ever been. It feels like I have so many different things happening all at once and I'm simply overwhelmed.

About a year ago almost now, I finally started to come out to people about being gay. My story is a long and difficult one, growing up in a homophobic environment. I recognize still so many homophobic attitudes and ideas in myself. My deconstruction is being hard. But in this aspect, I am happier than I have been.

Back in February 2021, I had my first boyfriend of sorts. It was a lot more in my own head than it was a reality. I caught feelings and I got myself quite hurt. It took me a long time to get over it. And I thought I had. But for at least two months now, there is not a night that goes by where my mind is not back there with him, going over every little detail of what we lived. Recently I've been remembering things that happened with him that I had forgotten. I think it's so present right now because it's coming up to the "anniversary". Almost a year ago now.

I haven't helped myself by seeking out new experiences with new people. For me it's not easy to feel sexual attraction if I don't have feelings already. I've been familiarizing myself with the concept of asexuality, demisexuality and just grey ace I guess. I still don't feel comfortable anywhere tbh.

See, the whole thing is I don't know who I am or what I want. For the longest time I lived a life where every step was planned out. Not every detail, but yes a general direction. Last year I finally decided I had had enough and stepped out of that life. But I haven't quite found my feet yet in this new one.

I've lost so many people. Family too. It's tough. Some people I haven't told, but they'll find out eventually. The truth always finds a way of coming to the surface.

The transition from student life to work life has also been quite hard. Made worse by this whole pandemic which doesn't seem to want to end quite just yet. Idk, there's just a lot of things happening right now.

I was looking for a relationship for a while. I was stuck in the mindset that another person is what I needed to be happy, or at the very least, happier. But no. The whole culture surrounding gay relationships is fucked up. And in general, it's out of fashion to be monogamous and tied down when you're my age.

I went on so many dates the last few months. It was exhausting. Too many talking phases that ended up nowhere. And if they ended up somewhere, it was the friendzone. I guess in a way, it's partly my own fault. I was putting too much pressure on them. And people are generally scared of commitment and being vulnerable with someone else. I understand that it's not easy, but I do still believe that it's worth it and that it's the only way that I know of, of actually getting to know and love someone.

I've always cared too much about other people. In two ways; about what they think of me, and about them / for them. To me, people have intrinsic worth simply because they are. I think because of the way I was brought up, it feels disrespectful to sexualise someone and nothing else. I think that's why I haven't been able to just hook up with people.

So, I deactivated my profiles on dating apps and have decided to stop seeking out a relationship for now. I'm in no position to actually be able to love someone the way they deserve because my head is too far up my own ass, deep in my own miseries...

I've wanted to start therapy for a long time. But it hasn't worked out yet. It's expensive, and I need it to be in person which involves getting from A to B. I don't have time during the week because of work and many shrinks don't work weekends here. Plus, the online option isn't really available to me since I don't feel comfortable in my own home right now either, and the walls are paper thin.

My living situation is that I'm sharing a flat with two other, older guys. I didn't know them before I moved in. They're nice enough, but they are very heterosexual. The type of guy I do not know how to relate well to and don't have much in common with. Plus, the age difference doesn't help much in that sense.

I originally signed a 6 month contract. That ends in February. I could technically ask for it to be extended, and I may yet have to. I'm not sure that they're that happy with me as a flatmate either, so there's a chance that even if I wanted to stay, they wouldn't allow it. But it's really got me quite stressed out right now. Because rent is super expensive here and the area where I live isn't really one where there is much option available to rent with flatmates...I found this place by pure luck, the good kind. And I would need a whole lot more good luck to find somewhere new.

It currently takes me about 30 mins on the metro to get to work and about 30 mins to get to the centre of Madrid, also by metro. This area is kind of ideal between work and social life. Logistically, moving would also be quite complicated. Honestly idk what I'm gonna do in the end...

Anyway, needless to say, I've got a lot on my plate right now and I'm managing it all poorly. Being a young adult is not easy, and honestly, idk how long I can keep this rhythm up for. My next break of 4 days won't be till April...

I constantly have this feeling inside of wanting to stop and breakdown. But I can't. Literally no more tears left to cry. Plus there's nowhere to go. Like, I feel trapped. I have responsibility in my work. Towards people. I work to help people that need it. My absence would create a void not easily replaced. Not to sell myself high, but my particular CV is not common. In fact, they've been looking for someone for this position for ages, and they're still looking if they were to find someone else to add to the team.

Idk...

I've also been thinking a lot about late-blooming lately. Like, I recently got a second ear piercing and though subtle, it feels like the equivalent of a gay person going through the phase of dying their hair different colours. Like, being a bit rebelious and pushing boundaries and exploring self-expression. I feel like I'm finally in a place where I want to be that way but find myself having to conform to social norms and practises of the profesional work environment. Plus I've always been the good kid, so it doesn't come easy.

I think I'm going to quit my job come summer. And if fucking covid allows, travel and work teaching English again for a bit, until I figure life out a bit more. You know? But that's also kinda crazy.

Like, I've come to realise that most people don't have it together. Most people are just going through life as lost as me. We grow up looking up to older people thinking they have it all figured out. But the truth is, rarely is anyone truly at peace. Maybe that's a little too harsh. But my point is, there's no single point one reaches where life magically is fine. No specific age.

Anyway, I feel like I got a lot off my chest with these words. Excuse my ramblings. I'm not looking for answers. I'm just venting my brain to the internet because I literally have no one else to go to right now.

I feel like such a waste. Like, I've always had so much potential to be great. Yet here I am, depressed as fuck, rambling to the internet...what a mess of a human that I am...

Eren Doesn't Know (Jeanx readerx Eren) Chapter 4

Dating Eren is hard, especially when he’s in a band that’s constantly away. While your boyfriend is gone, your friend Jean decides to help out with your loneliness. Problem is, neither of you can stop

Warnings: While this chapter is meant to be somewhat lighthearted there is som sexual themes and angst themes

I swear this was my favorite Chapter to write. Armin is so cute and sweet. Connie was something else this Chapter

Don't forget to checkout the other author's page!! @msack3rman they recently posted a Jean story, I'd suggest reading 😩

2k Word count

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, ((Chapter 4))

The holidays were always the worst time of year. The mix between the cold and rushing to buy everyone a gift made these months some of the worst. This year in particular was a stressful one. Eren was home this year for the holidays just like he promised, but now you have to find time for both him and Jean. You knew this was no one’s fault but your own.

Jean was having a small Christmas party for your friends. Though it took some time, you convinced Eren to go with you, though you were hoping he would tell you to just go by yourself. Him and Jean in a house together for that long was not a good idea. Both of their egos are too big to be around each other without fighting. One of them always had to be right.

When Jean answered the door, he seemed a little shocked that Eren was with you, but he never said anything about it. You greeted your friends Connie and Sasha. Sasha kept talking about some food that Jean made, claiming it was the best thing she’s ever had. You laughed and told you that you would try some later.

Jean walked with you into the kitchen, making sure that the two of you were alone. “Why did you bring Eren with you?” He asked as a hand wrapped around your waist. You gave him a weird look, pulling back a bit.

“Because he’s my boyfriend?” It was pretty obvious why you brought him. “Just please don’t make anything weird or start any fights.” You walked towards some of the food Sasha was talking about.

Don't make anything weird? Jean scoffed softly. Before he could say anything else Sasha had come to get more of the food she was talking about. She was piling items onto your plate too. Stating, "C'mon it's a party we gotta stuff ourselves." You laughed at her and had to stop her from over stacking your plate.

"I'm good Sasha, one wrong step with this plate and Jean will have to scrub the floor for hours." Sasha made a face of guilt, her plate was stacked like a Janga tower and could collapse at any second, "I didn't think about that one." You rolled your eyes playfully and pulled her back to the living room. You sat on the couch and Sasha sat on the floor at Jean's coffee table.

You looked around after you had sat down and couldn't find Eren or Mikasa. "Hey Armin." The blonde boy looked at you through his bangs. You continued your question, "Where's Eren and Mikasa?" He looked at the door. "Carla called, they're talking with her now." You nodded and ate more of your food still holding conversation with Sasha, ignoring the times you'd catch Armin looking at you.

Jean peaked around the corner and called out your name, "Can I get some help in the kitchen? I'm setting up the drinks." You stood up and turned to Sasha, "Touch my food and I'll literally beat you up." Sasha gave you a mischievous look before reaching over and taking a chip from your plate. Jean grabbed your wrist, "Drinks now. Fight later." You gave Sasha a look before you were pulled away completely.

You were familiar with Jean's kitchen and you knew where he kept all of the glasses you'd need for the night. You heard the fridge close and you and Jean came to put the cups and soda on the counter. Jean glanced at you, and you jumped at the feeling of his hand sliding across your lower back.

Your reaction caused a breathy laugh to come out of him. He used his other hand to turn you to face him, his fingers pressed into your hip firmly. "I heard them say Eren stepped out.." You rolled your eyes, "For a moment while his mother called." He shrugged. "That mama's boy is gonna take forever to get off of the phone." His hand moved lower, gripping your ass.

Jean pulled you closer with this grip, "Jean, not here." Your tone was very strict. He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to your lips, he gently bit at your bottom lip. The action caused you to chase after him as he pulled back. He gave you that stupid, cocky smile he always did, "I'm not the only one who wants this."

His other hand slid down before he lifted you up onto the counter. His hands settled on the top of your thighs and his lips were pressed to yours not long after. Jean pulled your body to the edge of the counter, settling between your legs as the kiss became rough. The fabric of his jeans rubbed against your core through your leggings. The friction caused you to moan into the kiss.

You placed your hands on his shoulders and pushed away roughly. "I said not here." He backed away to let you off of the counter, a pout on his face. Meanwhile Mikasa and Eren had come back into the party. Eren looked around at everyone, noticing you were missing along with Jean. He looked down at Sasha, "Where did they go?"

Sasha raised her head from your plate of food and said some nonsense that no one could make sense of. Connie smacked the back of her head, "Close your mouth when you're eating, were you raised in a barn?" Marco rolled his eyes at the two of them, "They went to the kitchen to set up the drinks."

Mikasa looked over at Armin with raised eyebrows. While Eren shrugged it off, she sat down next to Armin. "The kitchen?" She whispered the question frantically and the blonde just nodded. "Are they alone?" He nods again and Mikasa bites her lip nervously. She looks around before shooting up from her seat. "I'm going to the kitchen!" She exclaimed much louder than she meant to.

Connie looked at her like she was crazy before giving a thumbs up. "Good for you Mikasa. You go to that kitchen." Armin sat staring off into space, startled when Mikasa grabbed the hood of his jacket and lifted him from the couch. Armin let out a small noise of protest at the uncomfortable feeling as she dragged him to the kitchen with her.

They entered the kitchen, Mikasa still holding onto Armin’s jacket. “What’s going on?” Mikasa asks, trying to seem casual but it comes off more intimidating. Y/n and Jean turn around from the counter full of drinks to look at Mikasa and Armin, who looked like he really did not want to be there.

“Uhh, yeah. What’s going on?” Armin repeats, trying to sound just as intimidating. Instead he just sounded like a little kid.

“Um, nothing.” Jean tells them, giving them a weird look. Mikasa stares at you and him, taking note of the slight blush on your face. She nods slowly.

“Right, then what’s taking so long?” Armin nods along with her, repeating her question again, trying his best to match her tone. It makes you wanna laugh.

“Nothing, we’re actually done if you wanna help carry them in.” He tells them, hoping that they would stop questioning the two of you. You pick up a few drinks before walking out of the kitchen, Jean doing the same.

When they left, Armin looked up at Mikasa, “What did you expect? To walk in on them fucking?”

She sighs, “No but something is definitely going on, did you see the way she was blushing? They were probably doing something before we walked in.” Armin shrugs his shoulders at her, “We need to keep a closer eye on them.”

“Or maybe we need to back off because there could be literally nothing going on.” He turns on his heels to walk back into the living room, “You’re probably reading into it too much, Mikasa. If Eren trusts her then so do I.”

“Mikasa! Thank god you made it back from the kitchen!” Connie yells, throwing his hand over his heart, “Who knew what could’ve been happening in there!” He lets out a dramatic sigh, Sasha laughing at him.

“Yeah, Who knows what could’ve been going on,” Sasha joins in, “They could’ve been getting it on or something, thank god Mikasa was there to check.” The two laughed together on the couch while everyone else stood there tense, trying to play it off. Armin’s hand tightened around his drink, letting out a forced laugh.

Catching onto the tense atmosphere, Marco’s laugh started to die down, looking at you and Jean. He could see a slight panic in his friend’s eyes and he felt his heart drop. He couldn’t help but think how stupid his friend is sometimes.

“Yeah.. That would be soo weird.” Jean tries to play it off, forcing out a laugh as he looks at you.

“Dude chill, you sound like you’re trying to make a joke at a funeral.” Sasha laughs loudly again, letting out a loud snort that made everyone laugh. Luckily the tension died down quickly after that and conversation began to flow freely between the group again.

Moving to sit on the couch, you tried to listen to whatever they were talking about, but thoughts about Mikasa and Armin almost catching the two of you wouldn’t leave your mind. The feeling of Jean sitting next to you, an arm thrown around the back of the couch, broke you from your thoughts. You thought nothing of the action, finally joining in on whatever joke Connie and Sasha were laughing about.

You look up at Eren who is now standing over the two of you. “Jean, move.” He tells him, his voice serious and a little mean. It takes both of you back for a moment.

“Are you serious?” Jean asks, not knowing if this was a joke or something. Eren shakes his head, not breaking eye contact. “Dude it’s my fucking house, find somewhere else to sit.”

Eren looks surprised, laughing in shock, “I’m serious, Jean, get the fuck up.” By now it was silent, everyone staring at them. All the attention made your cheeks flush, looking up at Eren and silently begging him to just shut up. He looks at you for a moment and the look in his eyes makes you lower your head. You know there is no stopping him.

Instead of trying to stop the fight, Jean gets more defensive, wrapping an arm around your shoulders now. You could see Eren ball his hand up into a fist, his jaw tightening. You could hear the shaky breath he let out. "She's not your girlfriend, get your hands off of her." Jean's hand slaps down on the arm of the couch and he pushes himself to a standing position. He and Eren practically chest to chest.

"Oh?" The slight lilt in his voice made you panic. Eren's shocked smile fell, leaving a stoic expression on his face. Eren opens his mouth to speak but you interrupt him. "Jean just shut the fuck up for once." The silence was heavy, you could barely hear anyone's breathing, including your own.

Jean looks down at you utterly shocked, "What?" His voice came out soft and he almost sounded hurt. At the moment you didn't care. You felt embarrassed at how this escalated, and it wouldn't have ended like this if Jean had just moved. You set your drink down and stood up with a deep frown on your face, "Whatever. Eren let's go. Please."

The red on your face was burning. Almost painful as you avoided making eye contact with anyone, your eyes stung. There were tears trying to form but you refused to cry in front of everyone.

Mikasa stood up once the front door shut, "Armin we're leaving too." Armin's shaky hands gripped his glass and he looked at her before quickly downing the rest of the alcohol. Mikasa began to walk away and Armin looked at her full glass and her, shifting his gaze between the two. He let out an exasperated sigh before chugging her entire glass as well.

Connie raised his drink to Armin, "Hey buddy, you look like you need this more than I do." Armin, almost teary eyed, reaches for the glass. Before he could even come into contact with it Mikasa was dragging him out by his hood once more.

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤☀️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will

A/N Hey everyone, check out this cute little wlw one shot I wrote for a Christmas comp over on Wattpad. Credit for the prompt goes to Romance Contests over on Wattpad if you wanna check them out, the links at the end of this story.

Miss Cupid for Christmas

Lia had been crushing on Juliette for what seamed like forever.

Juliette was just so funny and kind, and Lia had always loved that about her. But Juliette was one of the most popular girls at school and Lia, well Lia was the nerd that no one ever seamed to notice.

Besides Lia wasn't exactly out of the closet at her high school... and she didn't even know if Juliette even liked girls.

Lia shivered as a cool breeze blew the snow towards her, causing her to hide even more of herself into her favourite fandom themed hoodie.

It featured a quote from one of her favourite books. Lia aspired to become a writer someday herself but she was always worried that she wouldn't be good enough.

Christmas was fast approaching and Lia knew that it was going to be another awful holiday full of sappy couples, mistletoe, and romance... but none of those things would include her.

She was beginning to think that she was destined to become an old cat lady, except instead of cats she'd have dogs, because in her opinion dogs where always better.

It was five days before Christmas that changed everything for Lia.

She had gone out with a new book in hand, and her glasses on her head, to the same cafe that she had visited almost every day on her winter break.

The reason that she choose this cafe in particular had absolutely nothing to do with her crush working their.

Absolutely nothing at all....

But she still could not help but to look up from her book every now and than to see her.

Today she was humming. Christmas carols.

This girl was perfect, she was smart, she was funny, and now she could sing too?! Lia felt like she might just swoon if she kept crooning, in fact Juliette could serenade Lia any day, Lia wouldn't mind at all.

Lia shook her head as she tried to focus on her book rather than the ridiculously gorgeous girl that she had liked since third grade.

But she couldn't help but to daydream about Juliette serenading to her as they snuggled on a picnic blanket.

"Hey, you ok there?"

Lia jumped what felt like three feet in the air.

"Sorry!" The girl exclaimed as Lia met her eyes.

"O-Oh." Is all Lia managed.

"I really didn't mean to startle you I just- I was just going to check if you wanted anything else."

Juliette offered as she gestured to Lias long empty cup.

Lia blushed and hoped that the beautiful girl wouldn't notice.

""I ah... um..."

The girl smiled gently as she slid onto the bench seat opposite Lia and pushed the menu towards her.

"If you haven't tried it yet, I recommend the pumpkin-vanilla latte. It's really good."

Lia managed a small smile at that, her blush deepening.

"O-oh ok. Yeah I'd like that." She managed.

"Thank you!" She quickly added as she shyly looked down.

"Your welcome. By the way, don't I know you from school? I think we used to play together when we where kids?"

She asked, and oh boy did Lia blush than.

"I... um yeah. I think we did. Im Lia, I'm in your English class on Wednesdays."

Realising that it may have sounded a little creepy that she knew that, Lia added,

"I think."

Juliette giggled than. She giggled. And Lia's heart felt like it was literally about to burst.

"Thought so. Hey we should hang out sometime!"

She replied earning a dazed look in return.

The barista got up from the bench, taking the menu with her.

"Alright than, one pumpkin-vanilla latte coming right up! Oh and by the way... I love that book."

The women gestured at Lia's hoodie, earning a surprised grin from the shy girl.

The book was about two gay girls. She liked a book about gay girls. Lia could hardly process the emotion that entered her at the thought of Juliette liking a book about gay girls too.

Did it mean that she was gay? Lia couldn't help but to hope.

A few days past with Lia turning up at her favourite reading spot in the cafe as per usual, except this time Juliette would always come over for a chat, and Lia didn't mind that at all. Lia learned more about Juliette than she had ever known. It turned out that Juliette really liked Christmas, apart from the whole being rather lonely part whenever the time of year came around.

Lia couldn't tell if she was hinting at something, but she certainly hoped that she was. Juliette was excited this year about a project she had going on at the cafe. Something that the owner had given her permission to do.

She had set up a little lucky dip situation near the counter. It had a sign with a Cupid printed on it, wearing a Christmas hat that said, 'pick one.'

After Lia had asked her about what was in the lucky dips, Juliette had explained that it was an  love box of sorts, each gift contained a little surprise for the person who choose it such as a cookie, or a voucher for the cafe, and in a little note it also contained words of encouragement for the person to either confess their love to their crush this year, or to do something extra special for the love that they already have.

It turns out that Juliette was all about love, and had wanted to help those who where lonely at Christmas, to confess to their crushes so that it could either A. Hopefully work out for them or B. Clear the way for the person who they where really meant to be with to come along.

Lia thought this was hopelessly romantic, and she had to admit that she was starting to think perhaps confessing her love for her own crush this Christmas wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

A few days later when Lia had walked into the cafe once more she could see Juliette taking purchases from customers and grinning as they dipped their hands into the lucky dip.

The customer who tried their luck this time however, turned out to be different than the others.

The women who had pulled out the note immediately grew misty eyed as she read it and turned to the other women she had come into the cafe with. Her face seamed to glow with love as she and got down on one knee.

The whole cafe grew silent as the women began to confess her love to the girl, the other beaming as tears of joy streamed down her face.

Of course the answer had been yes. Perhaps it partly due to this event that Lia had started to feel a little more courages herself.

Or maybe it was due to Juliettes reaction to the scene which was in Lias opinion, was incredibly adorable.

Or maybe it was just simply the fact that Lia couldn't stand not knowing any longer.

So she took a deep breath, got up from her seat, and walked over towards the counter that Juliette was minding.

"Uhm... hey Juliette. Merry Christmas Eve."

Lia greeted, and Juliette beamed.

"Hey Lia, merry Christmas Eve! Did you see that just know? It was soooo cute."

She said, dragging out the so and causing Lias heart to jump in her chest at her cuteness.

"Y-yeah it was awesome.... Your lucky dip has been a huge success!"

She complimented, making the other girl.. wait was Juliette blushing?? Surely not...

"Well... yes I suppose it has been a success, I never could have dreamed it being such a big one though but it's really made my Christmas. Getting to see so many people be so happy is amazing."

"Your amazing."

Lia gasped as she put her hand to her mouth.

Juliette giggled as her cheeks became slightly redder.

"Thank you... I think your pretty damn amazing too."

Lia went red. So red that she felt like she might actually faint right than and there.

"You know Lia... your just about the only one who hasn't tried the lucky dip yet, care to give it a go? It's on me."

Lia bit her lip as she felt butterflies crawl into her stomach.

"O-Ok sure...why not?"

She managed as she went to dip her hand into the box.

"Wait!" She jumped as Juliette stopped her hand mid-way with hers.

"Here, I made this one specifically with you in mind."

She said as she gently placed the gift into Lias own hand.

Lia took a deep breath as she opened the small package, and their, on top of the cutest miniature book that Lia had ever seen, was a little note that read:

Hey Lia...

Cupid's playing Santa this year, so here's a little message from them.

If you like he let her know, because she might just like you back. ;)

Link to the amazing contest book by the Romance profile on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1160611933?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&wp_page=reading_part_end&wp_uname=BoeBlueWrites&wp_originator=jp77bch9exHOcoadhR9ODZmb9eMWPOnaZv1f9CO8357HWNU82p1MEA7%2FzcD12Ku4rW1XWYKLBqbYGXStj1o5vhC%2B5Y2xkAWsP6MvpFcEd%2Bmiggrav%2FXh5ro6cYACIo4f

Have you ever disliked someone just because a friend disliked them? Yes, that's called loyalty. If you treat my loved ones poorly, you are no friend of mine. Which would you rather own: A camera or a video camera. Why? Well it's the 21st century so I have a phone that does both Have you ever won a lot of money in a slot machine? How much? Nope Do you watch sport on TV even though you aren’t a sporty person yourself? I'll watch soccer during the World Cup or Euros, and I do enjoy several events in the Olympics. Basically I love any kind of international event where the whole world comes together Do you eat / drink at your computer? Ha, I am as we speak. I couldn't get through my shifts if I didn't have coffee.

How much do you overeat at special occasions? (Birthdays, Christmas, etc) I have more of an overdrinking problem at holidays and events, but I have been known to stuff my face too The music you listen to: Is it mostly sung by female or male vocalists? Mostly male, for no particular reason

Do you think it’s important to enjoy your job or do you just work for money? I don't know anybody in this current state of affairs who truly *likes* their job. I'm here to collect a paycheck and nothing more. Sure, there are days I don't MIND it, but for the most part I'd prefer not to be here. Do you require glasses / contacts to see properly? If so, which do you use? Reading glasses When you hear your voice back on a recording, do you think it sounds awful? GOD YES When was the last time you got the hiccups? Saturday night If you had to, which record would you go into Guinness World Records for? Most naps taken in a day The last sweet thing you ate: What was it? An oatmeal creme pie - my fave! If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Aurora Do you have a middle name? Do you find it embarrassing? Yes and I find my middle name beautiful, nothing embarrassing about it. What would you choose to be famous for? My writing What is your current occupation? Do you enjoy it? Office assistant and nanny. I tolerate the former, absolutely LOVE the latter. Do / Did you enjoy school? Why (not)? I always functioned well in a classroom. I struggled socially sometimes though, so if there was anything I disliked about school, that would be it. If you have a webcam, are you ever paranoid people can see you? No, weirdly. I'm paranoid about plenty other stuff though. Do you find it difficult to sleep at night? Any reason(s) why? Lately I've been sleeping like total shit. I blame the depression. If you had to go on a game show, which would you choose? The person before me said Family Feud and I'm inclined to cop that answer. That would be fun! What about if you had to go on a reality show? Which would you choose then? I've often been told that my family's antics would be GREAT reality show material. I do admit we're pretty funny and that's why I document as much as I can via Snapchat. Tell me about your favourite TV show: I'd have to say Friends is my all-time favorite. And what can I say about it that you don't already know? Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Why? Nah, I love being a woman If you had dental braces, which colour would you make them? I'll give you one guess Does any part of your body hurt right now? Where and why? Nothing hurts but I do have this overall feeling of discomfort. Something's off, I just don't know what. Have you ever found the jokes in Christmas crackers genuinely funny? They are silly and cheesy- my favorite kind of humor! Or should I say: my favourite kind of humour Why were you last irritated? I had to wake up and live another day... sorry to go all emo on you but it's true What time did you get up this morning? 6:35 The last city you were in: Where was it and do you like it there? The last city I was in besides my own was Buffalo. I don't see much of a difference from Rochester. Do you like the countryside? It's pretty for a drive If you see someone yawn, do you often yawn as well? Yep Do you think you’d make a good model? Would you ever want to be one? No to both How often do you change your hairstyle? What does it look like now? I hardly ever do. I know what works and I stick with it. Truth or Dare? Truth. Do you have a favourite day of the week? Which is it? Mmm I'll go with Saturdays, maybe even Sundays until the Sunday Scaries set in

Yay another imagines blog!! Tyvm for blessing us with your writing xD Anyways, I'd like to request Ouma for Pocky Day! Btw good luck with your blog~! It's going well so far! -Anxious Anon

Hey, thanks!! I’m sorry for… notfinishing this up on the 11th, but it’s better late than never,right? And since you didn’t specify if you wanted a headcanon or a scenario ANDyou only gave me one character, I went ahead and did a scenario. I hope it’snot too cheesy or anything and that I actually did a good job of writing it. Enjoy reading!

Kokichi Ouma

There are a lot of holidays out there, both big and small. You haveholidays like Christmas, that seem to last an entire season, and then you haveones like Valentine’s Day, which only matter to a select group of people. Thereare those out there that don’t really care about any holiday in particular, andthen you have the people that try to take every opportunity to celebrateanything, no matter how small.

Kokichi was the type to celebrate anything. Your lil significant otherdidn’t really do it because the holidays meant very much to him, but if he hadsomeone to spend the day with and he could twist it into something thatentertained him, then yes, he wasvery keen on making it a huge spectacle. He just wanted to have fun.

It was why you two were walking down the street to a specific destinationhe had in mind.

“Hey, Kokichi? Are you sure we have to do this? I don’t know if I’m inthe mood to eat a million chocolate-coated biscuit sticks today.”

“What?” He turned around andbegan walking backwards, a bright smile on his face despite his increduloustone. While most of the time he would usually walk by your side with your handin his, his excitement got the better of him today and he had been happilyskipping in front of you for the majority of your journey. “Y/N! It’s PockyDay! You’re supposed to do just that.”

You raised your hand a bit and your expression turned to worry. Thelittle jerk almost tripped up on his feet while he talked.

“B-but-“

“Don’t worry! If you get sick, I’ll rush you to the hospital myself! Ican’t have my little schmootzy-wootzy-sweetie-pieget hurt, can I?” In the middle ofhis sentence, he stopped walking and nearly lunged at you, his hands grippingthe sides of your face, fingers pinching your cheeks playfully. “Aw, look atyou, your face is already scrunched up! Is that why you don’t want to do this?Did you already eat a million pocky sticks today? I knew it!”

“N-no, Kokichi!” Despite the redness you could feel on your cheeks, youwere laughing in between your words. “My face is scrunched cause of you!”

He laughed loudly and then continued even when you gripped his face aswell. Instead of pinching his cheeks like he was doing to you, you squished hisface together and your heart tugged with affection when you saw how cute hestill looked. It was almost enough to get jealous over, but you didn’t reallycare about it since you got to see him often enough. It wasn’t like you got tolook at your own face all the time.

Even though you were only staring in silence for a few seconds, it wasenough for him to notice.

“Hey, hey!” He lightly patted one side of your face with his hand. “Imight be cute and all, but we’re out in public! Don’t go embarrassing me! Youcan look at me all you want later, you creep!”

You hit him.

After the little speedbump, you both continued walking to yourdestination with no more fuss. While some decorations for Pocky day started toslowly come into your view, you couldn’t help but feel a little bubble ofexcitement build up in your chest. Kokichi often took you out on weird trips asdates and while sometimes you weren’t so sure about them at first, they allended with a good time in some way or another.

There was that one time you went to a clothing outlet only to end upjoining a fashion contest. He took you out to eat once at a place that had, astitled, ‘The Spiciest Chicken You’ll EVERTaste!’ and made you both eat it… He also once brought you to a ‘friend’sbirthday party and it ended up with you both not knowing the guest of honor inthe first place so you really just crashed it. Another date included him takingyou to a so-called art exhibit, only to find out that all of the art inside wasmade by him and him only.

The little bubble of excitement quickly turned to suspicion. Yes, youloved spending time with Kokichi. Yes, you loved him a lot. Yes, he made youhappy. However, upon recalling all of the fun times you’ve spent with him, youremembered one important fact about your purple friend. He always had something up his sleeve.

As you walked into the part of the streets that were crowded withcelebration and happiness, Kokichi grabbed ahold of your hand, and through theloud noise of people, you heard your boyfriend’s infamous giggle.

What did he have plannedthis time?!

While he pulled you behind him, your eyes narrowed, looking around atall of the events that you could see.

There were a few attendants handing out free pocky. A group had gatheredaround a giant box of pocky with a screen that had a digital clock on it. Aftera few seconds passed, the clock stopped at 12:14 and you heard a chorus ofdisappointed ‘Oooh’s. A few more stands seemed to have games setup with people surroundingthem, but do you know what all of that stuff had in common? None of it, nothingat all was suspicious!

While you were busy trying to find out your boyfriend’s plan, he hadmanaged to sneak a peek back at you without you noticing. Oh, he thought it wasso cute how your eyebrows were narrowed and how your mouth was pulled into anangry pout. You looked so childish! He knew exactly what you were doing, and hewas glad that you caught onto something, but you weren’t quite on the righttrack.

“Hey, would you look at that! That looks fun!” He caught your attentionagain and with a tug of your hand, he pulled you towards a stand with streamerslining the sides. It didn’t look like there was many people lined up for it, soit didn’t seem like it would take long for you two to partake in whatever itwas. All could see was people chatting there and some pocky lined up on thetable itself, but you weren’t quite sure what was hey you’re passing the tableand now you’re out of the crowd.

“Hey! Earth to Y/N!” Kokichi was still leading you, but now you werejust barely on the outskirts of the commotion that Pocky Day brought with it. “Overthere, that restaurant looks like fun!”

And that was when you saw what he had been really gesturing towards whenhe began leading you earlier. Beyond the view of the stand that you had thoughtyou were going towards, was a little restaurant nestled in between the manystores that lined the streets.

With a sigh, you both walked in, your feelings of suspicion dwindling.You had to wonder how much of a genius Kokichi was. Was it his plan to take youon a ridiculous number of crazy dates in order to make you overthink today? Didhe plan months and months ahead of time just to get you all frazzled over justa simple dinner date? You didn’t really know… But you had a feeling that youwere probably just getting carried away you’re your thoughts again.

As soon as you two were inside and sitting down, you began chatting likea couple usually would. You both placed your orders and began the usual routineof waiting for your food.

“So? What do you think? Doesn’t this place look fancy?”

“Yeah.” You looked around, not caring much about the aesthetics of theplace. “I guess it does.”

“You guess?” He puffed out hischeeks. “Y/N, I picked this place out just for you! I know you like places thatlook nice, and it also has your favorite dish on the menu!”

You eyed him, taking a sip of your drink.

“Mhm. Or was that just a lie?”

“Nishishishi~. You’re sosmart, Y/N. But what makes you think I’m lying?” Instead of waiting for you toanswer, he placed his hand underneath the table. It seemed like he was tryingto look for something in his pocket. “Waiting for food is so boring. Why notplay a game with me?”

Grabbing what he was looking for, he pulled out a box of strawberry pockyand shook it, showing it off to you.

“Do you know how this game goes, Y/N?” Pulling out a stick, he tapped itagainst his lips, adorning an expectant look in his eyes. “You kiss me and Igive you a stick as a treat~!”

“That’s not how the gameworks.” You took the stick from his hand and shoved the edge of it between his lips.“Plus, this table puts us too far apart to play properly.”  

“Not if we both really leanin~.” You laughed.

“You can get your kisses after dinner!”