#i will reblog some gifsets in a minute so you can picture them
Link
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Exorcist (TV)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Marcus Keane/Tomas Ortega
Additional Tags: Angst, Masturbation, The Fucked Up Inside of Marcus Keane's Head, Canon Typical Religious Perspectives
Summary:
Marcus doesn't think of the other man in the room when he touches himself.
It’s not that he believes God will judge him. In the ranks of his sins, this can hardly factor, and he has seen far too much to credit the notion that abiding by God's rules might serve to win back his favor. God is far too vast to have time for such pettiness.
But the demons aren't.
#the exorcist#marcus keane#tomas ortega#fanfic#my writing#so my hand slipped#a while ago when i got briefly obsessed with this show#this was supposed to be the first chapter of something longer#but for now i'm posting as is and we'll see what happens#its literally 500 words and most things should be clear from context#if you want to check it out and havent seen the show#also i highly recommend you go watch it#if you follow me for black sails stuff#this is the ONLY thing that competes with silverflint#in terms of#whatever the fuck these two have going on#it is gayer than gay sex#i will reblog some gifsets in a minute so you can picture them#hm this has been a weird day NIGHT EVERYBODY
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I keep hearing things about Live Journal commenting and like conversations in the comments? and possibly something about profile pictures? I was wondering if your would be wiling to explain any of that or experiences or how it differs from ao3 or something? (I joined fandom in 2018 and am really interested in it's history [guess who just discovered fanlore! hehe])
--
I was never much of a fan of changing icons, but a lot of people would have dozens and dozens and would choose the specific one that made sense with their comment or post. Sometimes, you’d match the fandom/theme/etc., but other times, the choice of icon would kind of color the interpretation of the comment. A lot of them were animated with pithy text that cycled through. Some were more like character portraits, but plenty had a vibe that was a bit more like a reaction gif. So... like... on a comment where you were going “WTF!” at something, you’d pick an icon where your fave was making a WTF face.
Icons are/were also used extensively in journal-based roleplaying, but I don’t have any experience with that.
(Your default icon shows on your actual profile page, but you can select other icons whenever you post a post or comment. I presume this is what people meant by profile pictures.)
LJ had (and Dreamwidth has) decent threaded comments, even if a comment thread is 300 comments long and has a lot of deep subthreads (rather than a top level comment and 299 direct responses). Comments have URLs, and you can go into a thread to just see some part of a subthread, which makes it easy to read even the otherwise horribly indented discussions a bajillion comments in.
This tended to inspire a lot of longform text discussion in a way tumblr supposedly doesn’t. (I mean, there’s always my own tumblr... but in general, no, tumblr is not great for this.) I’d say LJ’s level of back-and-forth in the comments, tl;dr, and pretentious blowhard-ness was about on par with Reddit, another space that prioritizes text and threaded comments.
One thing about LJ comments is that they (originally at least) had titles. So a comment thread on a post would be like “Some quick responses” and another would be like “Thinky thoughts on your third point”. (The late and unlamented “thinky thoughts” was everpresent on LJ.)
Because LJ was so locked down with infinite friends filters and such, you’d often meet other people in the comments of a third party’s post. Not everybody posted anything public, let alone anything you could really interact on, but they might show up in a big discussion elsewhere.
(Basically, on LJ and on DW, you can put different groups in filters and either 1. restrict your post to that group or 2. view a dashboard-like feed of just that group. Very helpful for sorting your friends who post commentary from that bastard you like but who needs to stop spamming a different MCU gif literally every 10 minutes all day every day to the point you can’t find anything else in your feed.)
Some of the same commenting energy exists on AO3, but it depends on the fandom. Have you ever been into a really popular WIP for a big ship where fans of the WIP would chat with each other and speculate about future fic developments or talk about canon in comment threads? The vast majority of AO3 comments are top-level and directed at the author, but you do see this other kind every once in a while. That used to be extremely common on big fics on LJ. (TBH, the main difference on AO3 is that people feel inhibited, not that they can’t still do this LJ-like behavior.)
I didn’t really post fic to LJ, so I was looking at more meta discussions, but there too, it was pretty common for two commenters to start talking to each other rather than the OP.
And yet, at the same time, you were in OP’s space where they could lock everything down if they wanted, not in a reblog situation like tumblr, so there was much more of an awareness of potential moderators. It wasn’t all good: LJ had plenty of cult of nice where people were saccharine in public and salty in friendslocked posts and tons and tons of vagueblogging.
Overall, it did privilege people who spewed out walls-o-text and wanted to discuss everything to death. Getting big for... like... properly tagging other people’s gifsets was not a thing, though there were some big name fic reccers. The focus was much more on people who could produce a lot of their own work and on people who could hold their own in a debate.
Honestly, you could probably go look at astolat’s post where she proposed AO3 and read the comments to get a sense of how people were interacting. I think that one had a lot of top-level comments, but there were probably threads.
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(1/2) I'll you my personal reasons for not watching tfatws- the directors, writers and everybody involved has said that the show picks up right where endgame ends and honestly speaking, that movie brought me a lot of pain, heartbreak and of course to continue the plot line tfatws will have to acknowledge and to some extent even justify Steve's ending & the decision to go back in time. So yeah, even if it's probably addressed only in the first episode and few minutes, that's what the show's
(2/2) premise is built upon(the assassination of Steve's character arc which breaks my heart every time i'm reminded of it) So I've decided to isolate myself from the current mcu track and filtering all the tags and their new shows (including wv) I'm not discouraging or boycotting anyone who is excited for the new content but for the sake of my own mental health+happiness I'll be curating my own fandom experience which I believe is totally within my right,not something i should feel guilty about
Yes, you’re free and welcome to engage with whatever you want in whatever you ways you want. I’m truly not trying to start an argument here or tell you how to be in fandom, but you made some points that I want to respond to so I’m going to reply to this in pieces.
the show picks up right where endgame ends and honestly speaking, that movie brought me a lot of pain, heartbreak and of course to continue the plot line tfatws will have to acknowledge and to some extent even justify Steve's ending & the decision to go back in time. So yeah, even if it's probably addressed only in the first episode and few minutes, that's what the show's premise is built upon(the assassination of Steve's character arc which breaks my heart every time i'm reminded of it)
Yes, I would assume so, seeing as it’s set in the same universe as MCU canon and takes place after Endg*me. But since when is official canon the end-all be-all? Haven’t we, as Stucky shippers, always taken liberties? Haven’t we always picked and chose specific details so that it fits our narrative better? Haven’t we written countless fics of multi-verses and fix-its and completely ignored everything except the basic premise of canon?
So yes, FATWS will probably mention Steve. And it most likely reference the events of Endg*me. But where does it say you need to like or accept or even believe the events of Endg*me to watch a show that is, quite frankly, not about Steve at all?
I've decided to isolate myself from the current mcu track and filtering all the tags and their new shows (including wv) I'm not discouraging or boycotting anyone who is excited for the new content but for the sake of my own mental health+happiness I'll be curating my own fandom experience which I believe is totally within my right,not something i should feel guilty about
By definition, what you’re doing is boycotting (definition: withdrawing from commercial or social relations with something as a punishment or protest). Maybe not people, but definitely the show. Maybe you’re protesting Endg*me and not a black lead, but that’s still resulting in the show getting less views, being less popular, and resulting in less recognition for said black lead.
I’m sorry that thinking about Endg*me and the assassination of Steve’s character arc brings you so much pain. That sounds really hard. It’s not my intention to make you feel guilty for taking care of your mental health so much as it is to bring attention to the passive racism I’ve seen heavily on tumblr the past few weeks. Obviously please take care of yourself and your mental health first.
I know in previous fandoms I’ve been in, the moment it started invading my mental space and affecting my emotions so much, I’ve benefitted from taking a step back and looking at the big picture - this is a fictional story, with fictional characters, who we absolutely love, but at the end of the day live in our heads.
I bet we all have versions of them in our minds that vary based on what we admire about them, the fics and art we consume, and the canon and fanon we accept. Because of this, we can actually think about them any way we want. Because they are not real people, we have the power to accept or not accept things without letting it affect the rest of the story or characters.
In my view, canon is the skeleton of a house. It provides the basic shape, the structure, it gives everything a stable foundation. But as you build the house and fill in the insulation and drywall, you can change things. You can make additions or remove parts. You can fill it in however you want. And when it’s finally together, you get to choose the details - the lighting and cabinets and flooring - that you want because it’s your home and no one else’s. Hell, you could even sell the house and start over on a different plot.
I’m in fandom to have fun with fictional characters and escape from real life stress. And if I need to bend the rules of canon to what I like so that it continues to be a fun place for me, I damn well will do that.
Anyways. All that to say. I understand what you’re saying about hating Endg*me and not wanting to see that continue. All I’m saying is you can still promote Mackie in his first lead in Marvel. You can still give it clicks, even if you don’t watch the episodes. Or you can have a friend tell you where to skip to avoid any mention of Steve and Endg*me. You can reblog the press tours and gifsets without accepting the narrative it builds off of. You can still support a black lead in an Avengers production.
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through my lens
pairing: spencer reid x reader
genre: fluff (god so much fluff), friends to lovers!au
warning: mentions of alcohol, cursing
word count: 4.8k
summary: spencer comes up with the best birthday gift a girl could ask for – along with the best confession
a/n: hey y’all, it’s been a hot minute. i apologize for going m.i.a. for a bit and only reblogging fics and gifsets. i’ve been trying to give myself a little break from writing after finishing my classes for the semester, and then i found myself having writer’s block. but now i’ve found the motivation to write again! i’ve gotten into criminal minds during this quarantine, and became whipped for reid. so why not start writing for him? hopefully i can write more for him. and with that said, i hope you guys enjoy this fluff-filled oneshot!
everyone in the bau had their hobbies. spencer loves to read, penelope knits, hotch golfs on weekends – just to name a few.
when you weren’t creating profiles and catching unsubs, you were roaming around d.c. taking photos of literally everything. a rose bush, your lunch at the cafe down the street from your apartment, the beautiful cotton candy sunset. you were seen always taking a picture, whether it was with a dslr, a polaroid, or simply your phone. you also took pictures of the bau team whenever you all decide to hang out.
a night at the club? pictures of emily, jj, and penelope drunk off their asses while grinding on each other.
dinner after successfully closing a case? pictures of derek and spencer having a mini food fight and hotch trying to stop them.
christmas sleepover at rossi’s mansion? pictures of rossi cooking and the ladies making cookies.
jj’s wedding? pictures of the blushing bride and groom and everyone slow dancing with each other (until derek pulled your camera out of your hand and forced you to dance with everyone).
let’s just say you have a wall filled with polaroids of your second family.
photography has been a passion of yours for the longest time. although, when you first started in the bau, you felt like a burden you stated taking pictures of the team in their happiest moments. but over the years, everyone assured you that it was fine and even encouraged you to continue, which made your heart flutter.
but what made your heart flutter even more is when a certain doctor asks you for tips on how to get into photography.
“hey y/n!” a male voice greeted you while you were working on paperwork. you snapped your head up to see spencer giving you a small smile as he leaned on your desk.
you became close with the doctor shortly after you joined the unit. probably because you two were around the same age, but also probably because of the similar interests you two had.
he would come over to your apartment frequently for movie nights and whenever he just wanted to unwind after a case and didn’t feel like going back to his place.
the first time he slept over, you had to apologize for the lack of literature books on your shelves that were filled with scrapbooks instead. he told you it was no problem and found himself getting lost in one of your scrapbooks.
“no way! is that y/n in high school?” he practically squealed.
“what?!” your eyes widened as you ran towards spencer and attempted to get the embarrassing scrapbook out of his hand, only for him to lift it high into the air and out of your reach.
“why didn’t you tell me you wore glasses? you looked so cute!” he laughed as he looked up at the scrapbook that he held above his head.
“i looked horrible! give it back!” you whined.
“only if you can reach it.” he smirked.
“fuck you. you just had to be 6′1.” you pouted as the doctor continued to go through the rest of your scrapbooks (he especially enjoyed going through the scrapbook that was filled with pictures of the team).
and even though you complained the entire time he went through your collection, you couldn’t help the butterflies in your stomach as your feelings for spencer grew.
“what’s up, doc?” you beamed back.
“nothing much. i just wanted to ask you something.” he said as he fumbled with his hands.
“yeah, what is it?” you asked politely.
“i-i want to learn more about photography, and i was hoping you could help me?” he answered softly as a tint of pink spread across his cheeks
god help me, he’s so cute.
“yeah of course!” you chuckled. spencer’s eyes lit up with joy as he smiled wider. “what do you need help with?”
“well, the basics, and what kind of camera to use. although, i’ve heard digital cameras have been getting more expensive these days. maybe it’s because more people are getting into photography. i’ve seen a lot of websites that garcia showed me where people are starting photography businesses and i- i’m rambling again, aren’t i?” spencer scratched the back of his neck.
you weren’t one to cut spencer off while he’s talking. mostly because he looked so attractive while doing it, and it still baffles you how that’s possible.
“it’s fine spence,” you softly smile at him, which caused his heart to speed up a little. “and honestly, using your phone is a great start into learning basic photography.”
“really?” he quirked an eyebrow.
“yeah, give me your phone,” you asked, holding out your hand. he pulled it out and handed it to you. “i know you’re like a technophobe, but this little guy is pretty useful, especially when it comes to photography.” you explained as you opened the camera app, showing him the different features on it. “now here’s a grid. ever heard of rule of thirds?”
spencer shooked his head, which surprised you.
“oh really? well basically...” you started to speak.
spencer started zoning out. he already knew what the rule was, but he just wanted an excuse to stare at you.
the resident genius has been in love with you ever since you joined the unit. and his feelings grew even more after finding out you both have a love for halloween and science fiction. but of course, he never acted on it. the poor boy was already shy enough, and after being rejected several times, he especially doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with you.
oh y/n, if only you knew...
“so overall, it’s a great way to line up your photos,” you finished explaining, turning your head to see spencer spacing out. “you okay spencer?” you waved a hand over his face.
“w-what? oh yeah, i’m fine. rule of thirds is my best friend when taking pictures. got it.” he blinked, making you chuckle.
“hey pretty boy, we’re being summoned by garcia.” a deep voice said as a hand slapped over spencer’s shoulder.
“hi derek!” you smiled.
“hey sugar,” he winked. “come on reid, let’s go.” derek turned to spencer. spencer nodded at the older man and started to walk.
“thanks again y/n!” he yelled over his shoulder.
“of course! if you need anything, just let me know!” you yelled back as you continued working on your paperwork.
“anything?” derek whispered, teasing spencer as they made their way to penelope’s office.
“stop. she was just teaching me some stuff about photography.”
“you are such a sucker for her. just tell her you like her already. we all know you both are in love with each other.” derek rolled his eyes.
“she’s not in love with me.”
“you have an iq of 187 and for what? you don’t have to be a genius to know that she feels the same way.” derek said as he opened the door.
-
“ah my lovelies are here!” penelope said as she hugged derek and spencer.
“what’s up baby girl?” the formal asked.
“i’ve already told emily, jj, hotch, and rossi this, but i am planning a surprise birthday party for y/n at rossi’s place!” she clapped joyfully.
“isn’t her birthday like a month away?” spencer raised an eyebrow.
“i don’t even think she remembers that her birthday’s coming up soon.” derek added.
“which makes this even easier,” penelope smiled. “the week of her birthday, we will be going over to rossi’s house after work and we will help decorate. the night of the party, spencer, you will be driving her to rossi’s. just say that we’re all meeting up to go to a club or something.” she quickly said.
“i guess that’s possible.” the younger boy slowly nodded.
“are you sure she isn’t gonna be suspicious that reid’s willing to go to a club?” derek asked.
“hey!”
“he’s a genius, he’ll come up with some excuse,” penelope said. “okay great. let’s go team! now get out please.”
spencer slowly walked down the hall that lead back to the bullpen.
what am i gonna get her this year? i already got her the whole star wars saga collection. this gift has to be more sentimental.
he bit his lip in deep thought.
then suddenly, a light bulb flickered on above his head.
that’s it!
-
a month passes by quickly when you're working on cases mostly every day.
there were a few times where you would have the day off or at least the night off after a long day at work. you spent those times with the bau, whether it was having a night in with the girls, checking out the costume stores with spencer (who cares if it’s nowhere near october?), or even a spontaneous night out at the karaoke bar.
the rest of the team have managed to sneak around during the week of your birthday, gathering party decorations and gifts, making sure everything is set up correctly before the big day.
spencer worked very hard on his gift for you, adding the finishing touches as he stored it in a closet that was filled with the rest of the team’s gifts.
set up for y/n’s birthday party – check.
and in a blink of an eye, it was your birthday and the night of party. the team was flying back from a case that took several days, and you want nothing more than to knock out on your bed.
“the night is still young! let’s all go out!” emily exclaimed as you all gathered your belongings in the bullpen. derek nodded his head in agreement, catching on to emily’s little scheme.
“hell yeah, i’m in!” jj responded. “how about you, y/n?”
“i don’t know guys, i’m pretty tired.” you yawned.
“come on y/n, you have to come with us.” emily pouted.
“what’s happening?” penelope walked in.
“we’re gonna hit the clubs, you in?”
“definitely. spence, you coming?” penelope looked at him as if she had telepathically sent him a message. spencer widened his eyes.
“u-uh, yeah. i’m in.” he gave a small smile.
“look y/n, even reid’s coming! you love clubbing with us. it’s gonna be a great time!” jj said as she held your arms. you sighed.
“fine. i’ll meet you guys in like two hours, okay?”
the ladies cheered in victory.
“perfect! let’s pregame at rossi’s and then we’ll all go together.” emily said.
“great! spencer, do you mind driving me to my apartment?” you said as you turned towards him. he shook his head in response and you both headed towards the parking lot.
get y/n to come over to rossi’s – check.
-
after you got ready, spencer drove to rossi’s mansion as you sang to throwbacks.
he changed into a simple black dress shirt and jeans (and of course, his converse) while you wore a black off-the-shoulder mini dress and heels. your makeup was flawless as well as your curled hair.
spencer couldn’t help but think you looked beautiful in this moment, and can’t wait for the surprise he and the team had in store for you.
soon, you two were parked in rossi’s huge driveway.
“she’s here!” spencer texted penelope as soon as he put the car in park. he ran over to your side of the car and opened the door for you.
“what a gentleman! thank you, kind sir.” you smiled and reach out for spencer’s hand as he helped you out of your seat. you two walked to the front door to see rossi standing with a huge grin on his face.
“hey rossi!” you greeted while hugging him. he grabbed your hand and opened the door and slowly let you in, with spencer trailing not too far behind. “where is everyone?” you asked as he led you to the dark living room.
“surprise!” many voices shouted. your eyes widened as the lights turned on, only to see your closest friends and everyone from the bau and their families smiling at you. even the kids were there.
there were balloons that floated onto the ceiling. foil curtains that filled up rossi’s wall (he wasn’t a big fan of it, but he was willing to hang it up because it was all for you). tables filled with drinks, food, and gifts. and don’t forget the banner that hung across the threshold leading to the backyard that read ‘happy birthday y/n!’
you felt yourself tearing up.
“oh my god!” you patted around your eye area. “i love you all, but goddamnit you almost made me ruin my mascara!” you yelled jokingly, earning laughs from everyone (even hotch).
“happy birthday!” rossi said as he hugged you and kissed your cheeks. everyone gathered around you to hug you, take pictures with you, and say their happy birthday’s.
“happy birthday, sugar.” derek hugged you.
“i honestly forgot that it was today.” you laughed as he joined you.
even spencer gave you a bear hug and a kiss on the forehead, which made your face heat up.
“happy birthday y/n.” he smiled at you.
you were in euphoria as the party went on. you were dancing with your best friends and the bau ladies (and derek) as music blasted throughout the backyard. everyone was occupied, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves, even spencer, who was having a beer while conversing with hotch.
“so when are you gonna tell y/n you like her?” he asked spencer who was looking at you like you’re the only thing in the world. spencer turned his head towards his boss.
“soon.” he smiled, sounding very determined.
“as much as i love seeing you guys dance your asses off, it’s time for the birthday girl to blow out her candles.” rossi announced.
everyone gathered around the table as you walked towards the table, seeing a beautifully decorated cake with lit candles placed in front of you. they all sang happy birthday (with hotch recording everything), making you smile from ear to ear while trying not to tear up again. soon, you blew out your candles, followed by cheers. rossi helped cut the cake and distributed it to everyone.
“as soon as everyone gets their slice, please go to the living room so y/n can open her gifts!” he shouted. everyone obeyed and started to walked back inside. spencer’s eyes widened.
shit.
“you okay, kid?” derek asked, approaching spencer.
“uh, yeah?” he answered, clearing his throat as an attempt to try to hide his panicked expression.
“what’s got you nervous?”
“i-i didn’t know she was gonna open her gifts in front of everyone.” spencer practically whispered.
“why? what’d you get her?” derek smirked.
“i guess you’ll see.” spencer sighed.
-
everyone sat in the living room, facing you as you opened your gifts. every time you opened one, your heart melts even more.
when you opened rossi’s gift, you thought you were gonna pass out.
“rossi, i cannot take this!” you exclaimed as you held a box that contained a new camera. “this must’ve costed you a fortune!” you tried to give rossi the box, but he simply shook his head.
“you’re like a daughter to me, y/n. of course i had to spoil my child!” he said as everyone laughed around him.
“i can assure you buying that camera certainly did not put a dent in his bank account.” emily quipped. you thanked rossi with a hug and continued to open more gifts in your seat between spencer and emily.
you were curious when you lifted a slightly heavy bag from hotch. you gasped as soon as you looked inside to see a brand new laptop sitting inside.
“hotch, you shouldn’t have!”
“i know you recently broke your laptop, so i figured why not save you the trouble of getting one. you also deserve it after being such a great addition to the team.” he said, giving you a small smile as you hugged him.
emily bought you a ton of polaroid film and sd cards, as well as a bottle of wine – the key to a girl’s heart.
“these are exactly what i needed, thank you babe.” you kissed her cheek.
jj and will bought you a vinyl player along with a few vinyls from your favorite artists. they also added a few drawings of you that henry made that had ‘auntie y/n’ written on all of them.
“i am definitely putting these on my fridge.” you said as you lightly ruffled the little guy’s hair.
derek got you a pair of headphones (from the same brand as his) so you didn’t have to borrow his during the plane ride home.
“now we can both listen to our own music with our own headphones.” he teased, hugging you as you chuckled.
penelope’s gift had you screaming. you opened the box and moved the tissue paper to see a whole lingerie set laid out. spencer’s eyes widened as derek whistled, while hotch and rossi where trying not to laugh their asses off. jj immediately placed her hands over henry’s eyes.
“how did you get my size right?!”
“i have my ways.” she winked at you.
you had one more gift to open – spencer’s gift.
“you don’t have to open mine.” spencer whispered to you. you raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“why not? i opened everyone’s.”
“it’s not as good as everyone else’s.”
“spence, it doesn’t matter how expensive a gift is. you could literally give me a fake plant and i will love it until the day that i die.” you smiled at him, causing his face to slightly heat up.
“well, prepare to be disappointed because i definitely did not get you a fake plant.” he said. you scoffed.
“come on spence, how bad could it be?” you said as you pulled out an object from the gift bag. you curiously looked at it.
is it a book?
“what is it?” you asked spencer.
“well, o-open it.” spencer shyly said.
you turn the cover to see a collage of pictures. it was a small scrapbook. you examined the pictures only to realize they were picture of you. you started blushing as you flipped through the pages and recalled where several of the pictures have been taken. you didn’t even realize spencer was taking pictures of you half of the time.
-
you were having a sleepover with the girls, drinking and crying over captain america. you heard a knock on the door.
“must be the pizza guy, i’ll get it!” you stood up. you opened the door to see spencer standing there.
“hey y/n! ready to watch the new season of doctor who?” he clenched his messenger bag in excitement as he entered your apartment, shocked to see his coworkers sitting on the couch while the tv played.
“that was tonight? oh spencer, i’m so sorry. i completely forgot.” you said, feeling guilty.
“oh, that’s fine. we can always watch doctor who another time.” he reassured.
“how about you join us spencer?” penelope chirped in.
“i don’t want to intrude on your sleepover.” spencer shook his hands in front of him.
“yeah, come join us! you’re already here, and i think you left some of your pajamas somewhere.” you raised your eyebrows at him with a pleading smile on your face.
how could he resist when you’re looking at him like that?
“fine.” he gave in as the girls cheered.
as soon as he knew it, he was listening in on the gossip as the girls did each other’s nails. you laughed as you smeared a green substance on your face.
“what’s that on your face y/n?” spencer asked, earning a few giggles from emily and jj.
“it’s a facial, spence. it’s good for your skin. you want to try it?” you asked as you held out the container towards him. he nodded. “you want me to put it on for you?” he nodded again.
spencer tried his hardest not to blush while your fingers brushed against his face. he could smell the faint scent of mint from the facial along with the lavender from your shampoo.
“okay, and we’re done. wait for half an hour and then wash it off.” you said as you both took a seat on your couch.
once you started paying attention to the movie, spencer stole glances in your direction, watching you react to the movie. he couldn’t help but pull out his phone and snapped a picture of you (thank god his phone was on silent).
he smiled to himself one more time before putting his focus back onto the movie.
-
“spencer, what are we doing here? it’s july!” you said as you two entered the costume shop.
“it’s never too early to plan your halloween costume, y/n.” he laughed as you looked at the masks that hung from the wall. he busied himself, browsing through different costumes.
should i be frankenstein? maybe i should go for steampunk this year?
“check this out spence!” your muffled voice caught his attention. he looked to see you dancing around while wearing one of the masks.
spencer laughed at you while you continued to dance in the middle of the aisle. he took out his phone and took a photo of you, not caring that your arms turned out blurry while you were flailing your arms around.
“that was fun,” you took off the masks. “anyways, what kind of costume are you going for this year?” you asked as your ran your fingers through your hair, trying to fix it.
spencer was too busy looking at you.
“spencer?” you said with confusion. “spence?”
he slightly shook his head.
fuck, she caught me staring.
“what? oh, i don’t know yet. how about you?” he asked back.
“hmmm, i’m not sure either. i might just play it safe and be a devil or something.” you said as you tried on headbands that had plastic horns glued onto them. you looked at the section next to the devil costumes and saw a bunch of angel costumes. you took one of the halos and placed it on spencer’s head, practically jumping to get it on him. “maybe you should be an angel this year.”
“you think so? why?” he asked, suddenly feeling shy.
“well, maybe cuz you are one?” you grinned.
spencer’s heart raced for hours afterwards.
-
“happy birthday to you! happy birthday to you! happy birthday dear emily! happy birthday to you!” the whole team sang as they raised their glasses to the girl of the hour. you couldn’t help but take pictures of everyone as they downed their drinks and hugged emily.
after the team found out it was the brunette’s birthday, you all collectively decided to spend the rest of the evening renting out a room at the karaoke bar to celebrate.
“thank you guys! i fucking love all of you!” emily yelled. you could tell she was tipsy. “now someone put something on, i want to get drunk and sing until my vocal chords explode!”
“well, actually, your vocal chords-” spencer started.
“shh, not right now spence. someone give me a microphone.” emily bit back. you patted your hand on spencer’s back.
after a few rounds of singing from everyone, you decided to do a number with the rest of the girls. you were in the zone, belting out notes you never thought you could do. but with a little bit of liquid courage, you channeled your inner whitney houston as you all sang ‘i wanna dance with somebody.’
hotch was recording (as always) as rossi and derek cheered you all on.
“let’s go baby girl!”
spencer was clapping along, watching you have the time of your life. he had the biggest smile on his face as he took pictures of you singing. he knew that he had it bad for you once you started dancing. but when he didn’t see coming was when you placed your hand on his and pulled him up to his feet.
“dance with me spencer!” you giggled as you whipped your head side to side. you definitely had too much to drink.
“come on pretty boy!” derek hollered. spencer started to pick up the rhythm and moved with you and the girls. the rest of the guys soon joined in and started dancing.
at times like this, spencer is grateful that he chose not to stay in.
-
as you flipped through the rest of the pages, you felt a few tears started to form in your eyes. you skimmed through the rest of the pictures.
some of them were pictures of you sleeping. on the jet, on the couch in your pajamas during a movie marathon, on rossi’s bed in one of the guest rooms after having one too many glasses of wine.
some of them had spencer in it. once you taught him what selfies were, he took one with you every time the team flew out of state, or even if you two were just getting coffee before work.
there were some where you weren’t even paying attention and spencer was closer to the camera and made it look like he was squeezing your small head.
and there were even a few where you had your hand close to the camera. they were pictures of you when spencer would catch you off-guard. they weren’t the best pictures, but it felt right for him to print them out.
“spence, what are you doing?” you asked as you tried to push his phone away from your face.
“i’m just taking a picture of you!” he giggled.
“why? i look ugly!” you whined.
“no you don’t!” he blurted out as you playfully shoved his phone towards him as he continued taking pictures of you.
“sometimes, i really do hate you.” you joked, ignoring the fact that he said he doesn’t think you’re ugly.
you laughed at the pictures as your heart picked up its pace. aww’s were coming from everyone, making spencer blush an even deeper pink. you got to last page of the scrapbook. instead of seeing a page full of pictures, you saw a familiar handwriting that filled the page.
is this a letter?
“what does it say?” one of your friends asked.
you looked at spencer for permission to read it out loud. he hesitantly nodded. by the looks of it, everyone already knew why he made you a scrapbook, might as well go all the way.
you took a deep breath and started reading.
for the part-time photographer, full-time badass profiler:
dear y/n,
you have been a light in everyone’s life, especially mine. you brought happiness to a team during their darkest times, and you have always been there for me during mine.
to the girl who is always seen taking pictures of everyone around her, you deserve to be photographed.
through your lenses, i am one of the many people that fill up your scrapbooks and walls, but through my lens, you are the most beautiful person my camera has ever captured (and even then, these pictures don’t do you justice).
you are the kindest, brightest, and most breathtaking person i’ve ever met, and i am so lucky to have fallen in love with you.
happy birthday!
love, spencer.
you didn’t even notice the small pool of tears that sat over the letter. thank god the pages were protected. even penelope, emily, and jj were crying.
“oh, spencer.” you sighed as you pulled him in for a bone-crushing hug. he immediately hugged you back, placing his face in the crook of your neck. you pulled away to look at him.
“did you like it?” he whispered as he wiped away the stray tears on your face.
you smiled at him and leaned towards him, wrapping your arms around his neck and planting a kiss on his lips. he smiled as he kissed you back. loud cheers and applauds can be heard from around the room, but the only things you can hear are yours and spencer’s beating hearts.
“my man!” derek yelled. everyone pulled out their phones to capture this sweet moment.
you both pulled away from each other, not being able to wipe the stupid smiles off your faces.
“i’m guessing you liked it.” spencer quipped, making you laugh.
“i love it. and i love you too.” you grinned.
spencer pulled you in for another kiss, until you hear several clicks. you turned to see everyone with their phones pointed at you two. you hid your face in his neck in embarrassment, spencer laughing as he held you.
“this is definitely going in the scrapbook.” he chuckled.
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tag game
i was tagged by @gimme-a-chocolate and @what-breaks-my-heart thank you!
1. Why did you choose your url?
i think i talked about this before but it’s very simple. i wanted to make a blog for my kdrama/kpop stuff hence korean and i was listening to imagine dragons while making the blog so i was like hey, dragons are common in asian mythology so that’s perfect
2. Any sideblogs?
this one is a sideblog, i have a main @pinenuttrekkie and one for the tales of arcadia series @eclipseisminetocommand i have one more that i made with a friend of mine for sharing movie/animation gifs but then it never amounted to anything so it’s inactive. i should deactivate it
3. How long have you been on Tumblr?
latter half of 2015, i was a bit late to the party because i was convinced tumblr was just full of emo scene kids and depressive quotes over black and white pictures but then i joined because i was in love with chris pine and i wanted to look at pictures of him. and now i’m stuck here, thank you mr. pine. oh btw that’s why my online name is pine :)
4. Do you have a queue tag?
i do but only if i’m on desktop because xkit does the work for me. it’s “hey mtv welcome to my queue” after the catchphrase from mtv’s cribs
5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?
for my main blog as i said, me and my friend had a huge crush on the actor chris pine and she kept sending me tumblr links to posts about him so i was like okay maybe i should sign up so i can look up pictures of him myself.
for this one i think it’s obvious, i didn’t want to pile all my kdrama/kpop shit on my mainblog so i just made this
6. Why did you choose your avatar?
i change my avatar depending on what i’m into at that point in time, right now it’s seo in guk in days because i’m watching that drama, maybe next month it’ll be something different
7. Why did you choose your header?
i made the header myself, it’s also an edit of days. i try to match my layout so if i change my icon i’ll probably change my header too
8. What’s your post with the most notes?
for my main blog it’s this over the garden wall post with over 62k notes and it resurfaces every autumn
for this blog however it’s this cloy gifset that i still get notes for. i guess people were really traumatized. it’s actually amazing how many notes this has considering how shit it is.
9. How many mutuals do you have?
idk? is there a way to check? i have lots of mutuals.
11. How many blogs do you follow?
792
12. Have you ever made a shitpost?
that’s all i ever post
14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?
yeah someone decided to send me anon hate on my main blog and i argued with them for a few minutes until i just turned off the anonymous ask function which shut them up
16. Do you like tag games?
i do like them, makes me feel loved. i always procrastinate doing them tho (like now) because i hate tagging people, i feel like i’m bothering them
17. Do you like ask games?
yea actually but i barely get any if i reblog one of those posts lmao
18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?
i don’t think any of my mutuals are “tumblr famous” but i do know that some of them are rather popular in their communities
19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?
no
20. Tags?
@kimsunho @starfire-s @songjoongkiss @ohcoolnice @dionideatta @ranjish-hi-sahih @belsmultifandommess yeah i’ll stop here
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Lew "Chuckler" Juergens as a dad Headcanons
As requested by Anonymous
A/N : I added the others to my list! Also I hope you noticed that I reblogged the gifset of Chuckler being paternal because it has been what one or two weeks since you send this?? I'm so sorry it took this long😭🙈 hope you'll like it anyway
Taglist : @wexhappyxfew @radiantcade @inglourious-imagines
Posted : 22/03/2020
Masterlist Taglist Prompts
~
• First we have to talk about his abilities with kids
• Good is not enough to talk about it
• Kids love him
• So so much
• He just puts them at ease without even trying!
• And he loves kids too
• He always wanted to have a family
• With 4 children if his s/o is alright with it
• Now when he knew he was going to be a dad
• Happiest person on Earth
• Spins you around until he realized it might be a bad idea for the baby
• Has a gigantic smile on his face as he kissed your forehead
• Throughout your pregnancy, will please your every command without complaining
• He will talk to the baby
• Will kiss your stomach
• Once the kid is finally born.. my god
• You are not prepared for so much cuteness
• Cool dad
• Supportive dad
• If some of you have seen Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, he's basically Maes Hughes
• Shows pictures of his kids and wife/husband to everyone
• At any given occasion
• "Have you seen my son/daughter?" "They have that from my amazing husband/wife"
• His kids are his princes and princesses
• You can give him any tasks, even changing diapers
• He will achieve it successfully
• But do not
• I repeat do not
• Ask him to put them to bed
• He will tell them a story, that's not the problem
• But he's going to excite them
• With tickles fights, jokes, games
• He just can't help it
• Gives them piggy rides and let them climb on him
• He's so tall that the kids absolutely love being this high
• Though, he's always making sure they're safe
• And wouldn't let them get hurt
• You're the only one responsible in this house
• But he'll always be by their side
• Give them candy when he thinks you're not looking
• Always praises you and his kids
• Always late of 1 or 2 minutes when he takes them to school
• For some reason, he just can't be there on time
• He tells you it's because he realizes they're growing up so fast and so he hugs them and gives them kisses while he can
• He tells you that with a sheepish smile but you know he's not sorry in the slightest
• Though, even if he simply can't say no to them, he knows how to deal with arguments and crises
• He never raises his voice
• He keeps calm, and he always wins
• The brothers he made in the USMC are his kids' godfathers
• He tries to keep in contact with them as much as he can
• So at least once in 3 months, you'll take time to do a dinner all together
• He doesn't spoil his kids out of the blue but when it's their birthday or Christmas he'll give them whatever they want and that you can afford
• Loves to watch movies with them or playing sports of any kind
• He just loves playing with them
• He won't talk about the war when he's home but he will tell them stories of funny things he did with Leckie, Hoosier, Runner and Sid
• Especially in Melbourne
• Will do everything to hear them laugh and see them laugh
• Best dad ever
And such an underrated character but I love him so much... also sorry this is short and sorry you had to wait so long for this
#lew juergens#chuckler juergens#the pacific reader insert#the pacific x reader#the pacific imagine#the pacific#lew chuckler juergens#chuckler x reader#my writing
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How do you choose quotes to make edits for (like do you have a list that you choose from or is it whenever you see something good) and how do you choose which characters/scenes etc to gif to go with them - like for example the last set you did with the ‘carry you with me��� quote. How did you choose which scenes to use and pair together with the quote (sorry if you’ve answered something similar before)
I’ve done some live edits in the past to kind of show my process with making very specific edits
(Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link)
But those are like, specific to each edit, so I’ll also give a general answer. I’m putting it below a “Keep Reading” because it’s a very long answer :)
How do you choose quotes to make edits for?
My other fandom page, @Rhysand-vs-Fenrys , has endured weekly reminders to watch The Untamed for like... 8-9 months now (Friday at 9am, usually an aesthetic GIFset I reblog from someone and add links to the bottom to the different platforms to view it on).
To be fair to them, I decided most of my edits would be done with quotes from the Rhysand-vs-Fenrys fandom (Sarah J Maas book series). Some quotes are very famous within that fandom and came to mind immediately, and I went through the Goodreads quotes lists for it.
As for other quotes, some I knew off the top of my head (the Carmina Burana, Aeneid, and LOTR ones) and some I just did a general google search for quotes with different themes like power or fate or love and saved the ones that kind of sparked my interest.
As I feel like doing an edit I’ll just look through the list until something snags on my eye and go with that. Most quotes gave me immediate ideas and I saved a little bulleted point beneath it saying what I thought of when I read it.
How do you choose which characters/scenes etc to gif to go with them?
I have some rules for what I look at for edits:
1. Once I have the quote divided into how many GIFs I’d like it to be, the first line of text is the theme and the last line of text is the tone. This is explained further lower down
2. First GIF has to be the star of the quote or, if it’s a group one, a high profile character.
3. NO LITERAL GIFS. Know if something is literal, I hate it and I only used it because I had no other choice. For example, in the “carry you with me” edit there is one that is “Walking in the light”. Originally it just worked out that the GIF of Wangji walking would have fallen there, with Jiang Cheng and Wangji as “the words that dance between people” and the final GIF in the edit (’Remembering being alive together’) being the teahouse. I rearranged and redesigned the entire edit just so Lan Wangji would not be walking in a GIF that had the word “walking”.
There are a few others, but those are more nit-picky. Those three above are the main ones, and they apply to every GIFset.
I’ll make my example the “Carry You” GIFset you referenced, which feeds into your final question---
...the last set you did with the ‘carry you with me’ quote. How did you choose which scenes to use and pair together with the quote (sorry if you’ve answered something similar before)
First off, here is the “Carry You” edit for anyone who wants to look at the thing I’m talking about
I almost didn’t even consider this quote because I immediately knew it’d be about Wuxian and Wangji, and that I would want to exclusively rely on the period where Wangji thought Wuxian was dead, which equates to A VERY NARROW SELECTION OF SCENES AND SHOTS OMG.
--- Wangji looking at the sky
--- Mo Manor
--- On Dafan Mountain
--- Tea with Jiang Cheng
--- Flashback to Burial Mounds burning
--- Flashback to saving A-Yuan
--- Flashback to being whipped
--- Flashback to Cold Pond Cave
That was enough to populate a 6 GIF edit if I really picked at the bones, so next I look at the first line of the quote: “I carry you with me into the world”. That became the theme of the entire edit. The final line is the tone- “Remembering being alive together”.
So every single GIF from the first to the last and anything in between had to have a direct line to ‘Remembering being alive together’ and an overall feeling of wangji ‘carrying (wuxian) with me into the world’. So what does that mean? Living your life in the spirit of that person. Chosing actions to honor their memory, either in behaving as they would or changing something bout yourself that was in conflict to them.
The original plan for that edit was as follows (these are direct quotes from my edit plan written in my shorthand):
“I carry you with me into the world” ➜ Ep 1 looking at sky (no Wuxian scene selected)
“Into the smell of rain” ➜ whipped alone, w/wuxian
“and the words that dance between people” ➜ Ep 2, JC in woods (no Wuxian scene selected)
“and for me, it will always be this way” ➜ Ep 1, holding sword, wuxian burning (my shorthand for when he gets smokey)
“walking in the light” ➜ Ep 1 with ducklings, in burial mounds with A-Yuan
“remembering being alive together” ➜ Ep 2 tea w/Yiling meal
I was just going to throw those shots side-by-side, but then I thought about how cool it would look if I could actually put Wuxian across the table from Wangji in that last one. I was still in the planning phase, which is why I never came up with a Wuxian for the first 2 GIFs.
At that point I started thinking about how it would fit the tone and theme so much better if I could make all of them that way. So at this point I abandoned the written plan and as I kind of thought about and processed what i wanted to do, I went through Episodes 1, 2, 44 & 46 and grabbed Wangji’s shots alone.
I decided- no reason just felt like it- that I wanted to step into this edit, rather than begin it already in process. I tried making a few GIFs of Wangxian for that “I carry you with me into the world” and just didn’t like them. I really wanted it to shine through that this was a theme and not tie it to specific scenes. Then I saw that slow pan of Bichen’s hilt that you see in episode 1 and was like “I bet I can find a Chenqing from the right angle to match that...”
**at this point I should say my rule for this edit was that every single shot of Wuxian had to be a scene Wangji was also in.
I decided to break that rule for the first edit, because Wuxian never holds Chenqing up against Wangji at the right fucking angle unless it’s pitch black in a thunderstorm and the tassel isn’t red in that shot so what’s even the point. So that shot is from Wuxian raising it against YANLI in Episode 21(?), rotated, horizontal flipped, cropped, spotlight on the tassel, selective color enhance, and a motion tracking filter just to smooth it out.
Once I decide on the GIF itself, I look through the effects editor just to kind of throw everything at it and see what helps me achieve my mental picture, so it was a lot of dicking around to see if that would even work.
After that, focus went to *Wangji*. Pick WANGJI’s shot, and then look for a Wuxian moment from the right angle to match Wangji and ghost into the shot (which was hard as all FUCK. That last shot of Wuxian with the alcohol was a last ditch attempt to find a shot). As I said, I rearranged three GIFs just so I wouldn’t have Wangji walking during a GIF with the word “walking” in it.
This edit was easier than others in that the first and last lines- “I carry you with me into the world/ remembering being alive together”- are really the only thing you need. Every line contributes directly to that theme, so the GIFs themselves are pretty interchangeable.
I wanted JC there for “The words that dance between people”, which is why Wuxian has such attitude in that GIF- like he’s reacting to nasty words being exchanged (I decided it still worked in its new home of “walking in the light”). I decided I *loved* “the words that dance between people” being Wangji sitting alone at the table, not speaking at all. It has a sense of longing and regret that really suits the overall themes and tones.
I hope that made sense and answered your question? Sorry it was a long response, I wasn’t sure how much you were interested in hearing. But yeah, I do my edits live if I’m pretty confident in the game plan, so if you keep an eye on the page I’ll try to be better about scheduling those and not making them last minute.
I chose not to do this one live because I knew it was going to be really complicated and I wasn’t confident in the scenes. When I’m doing it live I feel pressured to make decisions very quickly so people aren’t bored and in the past have made GIFs I am not happy with just because I felt bad about waffling on shots. I wanted this one to really fit what I was imagining and to do that I had to be able to be indecisive.
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Distance
Ok. So. @superrpowerlesshuman made a an amazing gifset (and I know that if I put a link in here it won’t appear in the tags, so help an author out and reblog it, please?) and I thought I’d write a little something to go with it, because it really did evoke soemething in me.
I really do hope you like it, and that you don’t mind my dwelling into the scenario you created.
Raise your hand if you need more kastle o/
Much love. Hope this pleases.
She sees him from across the bar.
Looking… Normal. Standing there with the people watching the band, no guns no blood no bruises, just a dark button down, jeans and those boots.
He smiles at her, almost sheepish, and it is, honestly, a shock. She’s so used to seeing him angry, mad, desperate, stubbornly determined to do something she didn’t want him to do.
His smile is something, she realizes, unfamiliar to her. Karen Page can count on one hand the number of times Frank Castle actually honestly smiled in her presence.
All those times, though, it always meant something.
Foggy is rambling away, already so drunk, and she had drank more than him.
“I don’t know what to do, K”, he mumbles while Karen is distracted by the sight of Frank, trying to figure out how the hell did he know she would be here, in this particular bar. “She’s so mad at me, and I don’t even know how to fix it.”
She looks back at her friend, who had dropped his head on the wooden surface of the bar.
Really, she had been happy to accept his invitation for drinks, he needed to vent, this fight with Marci had been driving him crazy for almost a week, now.
“You wanna go get a drink?” He had asked, miserably, while they closed up the office, and she said yeah, sure, let’s get hammered.
At first, she had wished Matt wasn’t tangled up in endless meetings with Luke Cage and Danny Rand all day, he might have been able to help her with a distraught Foggy, but now she was glad he couldn’t make it. He would not be happy with Frank’s presence.
She was, though. Extremely happy.
He had skipped town after the last time she saw him, and she had been sad and angry and heartbroken, adamant on stopping this, putting an end on this thing, this thing of theirs, she had decided to cut it.
If he didn’t want her, he didn’t want her. Not like she could force him to love her back.
Except she knew he did. She knew it, because Frank sucks at lying, he could push her away all he wanted, but she knew it, because of the flowers and the bomb and the bullets he took, all the bullets he took to save her, his eyes and his face and his hands and his words and the way he said her name and the way he held her hand, tight and firm, like he never wanted to let go.
Karen knew he was lying. Still, she was angry.
She only found out he left town when another pot of flowers found its way to her. This time, to her front door, not from inside a backpack.
She got home from work and there they sat, with a card that read her name, a simple “Happy Birthday” and a phone number.
She had ignored the flowers, at first. Brought them in and put them on the kitchen counter, and then walked away, to take a shower. She made herself dinner, and didn’t look at the flowers.
She did the dishes and didn’t look at the white roses.
She tidied the apartment up and didn’t acknowledge the bouquet, bigger than its predecessor, not as big as the one Danny Rand has sent that morning, and not as elaborate as the one from Tower’s office.
In the end, when she was lying in bed, ready to turn in for the night, she picked the card up and typed the number in, and her thumb had been hovering above the call button for almost five minutes straight when her phone started to ring, startling her, and she dropped it.
Blocked number.
Frank.
“Happy birthday”, he said in her ear when she picked up.
“Didn’t think you knew”, she said back, almost regretting taking the call, because his voice made her miss him immediately, desperately, her lungs threatened to collapse, so much she missed him.
“Give me some credit, Kare.”
He was in Nevada, he told her, and she didn’t ask if he was there chasing the New York gangster that was tending to business in Vegas, and he didn’t volunteer that information.
They talked for maybe five minutes before saying good night, and she wondered if that was the last she was going to hear from him, if this had been his way of saying goodbye.
But he called the next night. From Utah, this time, and his voice was a bit different.
They talked for ten minutes, and he asked about work, if she was ok, but he sounded tired, so she asked if he was ok.
“Drove all day”, he said, and Karen wondered if he was getting ready to sleep, too, like she was.
He texted from Wyoming, because she was already in a call when he tried, so he sent one word, that she saw when she hung up:
“Busy?”
It was after midnight when she fell asleep, picturing him in the motel room he told her he was sleeping that night.
When he was in Iowa, he asked about Wilson Fisk, and the Bulletin, and his voice sounded harsh.
When he told her he was in Kansas, she tried not to let her voice betray her disappointment. All this time, she allowed herself to imagine he was making his way back.
To her.
But there was Kansas, and then he stayed in Louisiana for a while. From there, he called from a different number, and told her to throw away the old one, even if she was never the one to call. It was always him, and she learned to expect those calls, always after dark, always after she was tucked in bed, never on a Friday or on weekends.
Frank would always call her on Wednesdays or Thursdays.
.:.
He was in Tennessee, she thinks, when she called him, on a Tuesday, and they talked like they weren’t who they were. Light and soft and she allowed that lilt to her voice, the pointless question just to keep him speaking, the nonsensical comment and the joke that just might be a little, tiny bit, blink and you’ll miss it flirty.
Karen had the ritual, now, of getting home, eating, showering, turning off all the lights and then picking up his call, and he started to call more frequently, started to tell her a little bit about what he was doing, and she was glad to hear it was not more killing.
He was in Chicago when he said he missed her. It was almost December, and she said she missed him, too, her toes curling inside the thick socks she had on.
Every night, now, that’s how he ended their calls.
“Miss you”. Always soft, always careful, like he was afraid she would hang up on him a few seconds too early.
“Miss you, too”, she always responded.
.:.
He stayed in Chicago so long, she thought he was not gonna leave. He was there when the year ended, and she was on the phone with him while people counted down.
It was 00:01 when he said he missed her, making her wish she were in bed and not in Foggy’s apartment, surrounded by people, listening as the fireworks went off.
“Miss you, too”, she said, like always, taking a risk, really, because this time Matt was right there, with his superhearing and tendency to meddle. With an eye on her friend, just to make sure, she heard Frank take a deep breath, but he didn’t hang up, like always.
“I miss you”, he said again, low and short but firm, clear, and, again, she responded.
“I miss you, too.”
.:.
After Chicago, she lost track of both time and his location. He still told her where he was, but she made a point not to keep track anymore, because he was not coming back to her, so it was best to just let him be, and enjoy what little contact she had with him with these calls.
But even that, she knew, would have to end eventually.
But everytime her phone rang, and it was dark and quiet outside, she would hesitate for one second before picking up, sliding into bed and closing her eyes, imagining him to be there by her side.
And, every night:
“Miss you.”
.:.
This was not Josie’s, nor was it the diner they usually went to after work, it was not their usual scene. But Foggy seemed to know the guy behind the counter - like he knew everyone, apparently.
It was not better than Josie’s, but it was bigger than Josie’s. There was a small stage where a band played, and it was a little strange, seeing all these rough guys and rough women listening to what sounded like a hybrid of blues and ballads with a dash of country, soft and melodic and beautiful.
Foggy wallowed and he drank and he let it out, venting about how he didn’t really think he’d be here, because he wasn’t even sure what he had done (but he knew, he just didn’t know how to get out of it).
“What should I do, K?”
“Well, first, you’re gonna stop calling me K.”
He did that when he was drunk.
“Why is she so mad?!”
“Because, Foggy, you lied to her.”
“I didn’t lie! I just… Omitted the whole truth in order to protect both her physical integrity and her feelings!”
“Next time, maybe, instead of pulling this patronizing behavior, take it into consideration that she is also a very good professional that can help you. Marci’s a big girl, Fog, you don’t have to lie to keep her safe.”
“I know”, he said, forehead on the counter again, and Karen wondered if it was actually sticky of if she was just imagining it. “Shit, I know. But she won’t talk to me, so I have no way of apologizing. Will!”
The bartender made his way to them, looking both amused and impatient.
“More spirits, please.”
“Don’t you think a Sprite would be better?”
“No!”
Will looked at Karen, who shrugged, and then sighed, walking over to refresh Foggy’s glass.
And that’s when Karen saw him, suddenly, as if her eyes were being drawn like magnets, there he was, instead of Massachusetts or Ohio or Indiana or China, for that matter. And he looked back at her, that small, sheepish smile playing on his features, almost like he was a normal man, a normal guy coming back home to his… Whatever it was that she was to him.
“I don’t know what to do, K.” Foggy whined on after taking a sip of his fresh drink, dropping his head to the bar again right after. “She’s so mad at me, and I don’t even know how to fix it.”
She was barely comprehending him anymore, so stunned she was at the sight of Frank standing there.
Son of a bitch. First he rips her heart out of her chest just to break it, and then leaves, and then…
“You do know what to do, Foggy. You just have to… Suck it up and do it, even if sounds hard, right now.”
“But she’s so scary.”
“No, she’s not. She’s just frustrated, because you fucked up. But she loves you. You have to go there, apologize and try to fix it.”
“How do I fix it?”
“I don’t know! You’ll have to figure this one out by yourself. Or, better yet, ask her for help, I doubt she’s gonna deny it. Can you excuse me for one minute, please?”
“Are you gonna leave me, too?” he asked, big eyes on her, so drunk, poor thing.
“No, Fog, relax. I’m just gonna go to the restroom, that’s all.”
“Oh, ok”, he said, but she was already moving, walking towards the direction she had seen him, and when she turned a corner, there he was, almost hidden, waiting for her.
A million things, she wanted to say to him. A million and one, but she started with the basics while he leaned off the wall and took a step towards her.
“What are you doing here?”
His finger pushing a lock of her hair away from her face felt like a mild current, something charged but soft, creating a wave of pleasantness to pass through her.
“Wanted to see you.”
“You wanted to see me. Jesus Christ, Frank, I should shoot you where you stand!”, she let out, slapping a hand on his chest when he lifted both his hands to catch her face. And she might as well have tickled him, because he smiled.
“Please don’t.”
Karen looked at him, trying to tell herself that this was not what she thought it was. Maybe he needed her help again, and this was just another stunt he pulled to get her attention.
But he had never looked at her like this, not quite like this, he had never held her face between his hands like this, he had never stood this close, never like this, never when it’s not dangerous, never…
“I miss you”, he whispered, forehead touching hers, nose touching her cheek, breathing quietly against her. “Everyday, Kare, I miss you.”
She had her eyes closed already, a part of her enjoying, ready to jump, begging to surrender, to latch on, to believe him, she wanted to believe him so bad, she did believe him, but-
“Where have you been, then?”
“Making sure. Trying to… Get better, to figure out some things.”
He kissed her cheek and she got a hold of his shirt, honestly and sincerely unintentionally pulling, and he got closer, chest to chest toe to toe and her knees were about to give.
“Mainly missing you, though.”
Karen angled her head when he moved his hand to the back of her neck, opening her mouth to say something, to take a breath in, to let a breath out or to scream, who knows, but he kissed her, lips over hers, making a noise from his throat that made her arch her back slightly, just a tiny bit, towards him, which in turn made him move, open his mouth, swipe his tongue against her lip and then against hers, and there it was again, that cotton electricity, that feeling of finally, this is what you’ve been waiting for, this is it, that’s why you fought so hard that’s why you cried so much that’s why you miss him so much-
He kissed her like he had done it before, like he knew her, like he knew them, and it felt new but it felt… God, it felt…
It felt like them. Like Frank and Karen, like their thing that she could never explain to anybody, “why do you care so much about Frank Castle?” and “you two have a connection”.
That’s what it felt like. Obvious but private, particular and unexplainable, his kisses and his hands around her, her arms around him, her back against a wall, suddenly.
“Wait wait wait”, she said against his mouth, and he touched his forehead to hers yet one more time - just like they do - and hummed his question.
“Foggy, uh… Foggy’s gonna come looking for me. He tends to wander when he’s drunk, I should… I should get back.”
“Ok.”
And a nibble on her lower lip, chest pressed tight against hers, Lord almighty, she’ll fight the world for him-
“Ok, let me go.”
It was difficult, giving that up. Peeling herself away from him and that little corner he had backed them up against. She had repressed those kind of thoughts for so long, trying to get used to the fact that there is no Frank and Karen, but yes, there is, he’s here, he’s-
She pushed him away delicately, and he went easily enough, letting go of her lips last.
“Where, um…” Her thoughts, all over the place. “You’re not, you’re… Where are you going, now?”
“No plans”, and another little one, tiny one, just a little one kiss, to the very corner of her mouth. “So wherever you tell me to go, I guess.”
It seemed impossible, to stop kissing him, but then the image of Foggy wandering after her and catching her all tangled up in Frank Castle entered her mind, and she pushed him away again.
“Ok. Ok. Um… Go to my apartment. Ok? Can you wait for me there?”
He nodded, looking at her full of something that was almost completely foreign. Like that other time he was at her place offering her flowers, or when he met her by the water, before it turned dark and sour and difficult.
“Right. I’ll put Foggy in a cab, and then I’ll meet you there.”
“Ok.”
Looking at his face, she tried to put herself right, to go back to Foggy, the tip of her fingers roaming Frank’s face.
“Please be there when I arrive. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“You promise?”
“I promise. Go.”
Her arms around his neck, just one more time, just one more, just so she didn’t walk away and started wondering if she imagined him, and his were firm enough around her waist to reassure her.
“Right”, she said, pushing him off and walking away.
Before she actually let go of his hand, though, she turned back.
“How did you know I was here?”
“Oh.” He cleared his throat. “Um… Lieberman.”
“Lieber- You hacked my phone?”
“Not your phone, just your GPS.”
“That-” She interrupted herself, and took a short breath. “We’re gonna talk about that.”
“I’m sure we are.”
And then she walked away, feeling like she just had been in another dimension and then back.
“I drank your drink” Foggy informed her when she sat by his side again. “It was getting cold.”
“That’s fine, Fog. What do you say we head home? Hmm? Sleep this booze off so you can go and talk to Marci tomorrow?”
“But I…” He sighed, and Karen tried not to look at where Frank had been. “But we haven’t found the worm, yet.”
“I think it’s better if we don’t find it this time. Come on.”
He still made her sit down to finish another drink - “last call, come on” - and she had to hear him mumbling about Marci and some nonsensical thing about Matt and the Nelson deli and Punjabi lessons before he accepted it was time to go.
She took care of their tab while he drank from the bottle of water she got for him and tried to put his jacket back on.
After what seemed like a lifetime, she was able to put him in a cab and then hail one for herself.
Karen had just turned the kew on her lock a second time when she heard the bolt unlock from inside, and then the door knob was yanked away from her hand when the door swung open, and Frank pulled her inside, slamming it closed the second he was in, his arms around her, his mouth on hers, lips and teeth and tongue and that noise from his throat, hands pulling her shirt from inside her skirt, she kicked her shoes off, put her arms around his neck, opened her mouth to his kiss, made a noise of her own.
She had missed him, too. Much, much more than even she realized.
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My Favorite (SPN) Things
This is a collection of my favorite SPN moments/things/thoughts for @atc74‘s giveaway.
Favorite SPN Con Moments
I have several Con memories that I will never forget.
MinnCon 2016 - @fuckyou-mavhenan and I got the con bug that year and decided to go to Minneapolis since it’s a half-hour drive from my house. That con changed my love for the show in a way I never thought possible. We had a photo op with Misha and Mark Sheppard, it was glorious.
It was also the year of “A Bowfinned Fish Named Salmon Dean”, with Jared and Jensen trying to imitate what a bowfinned fish might look like.
I took a ton of pictures at that con, but that was before I learned I could rent a better lens so they’re not the best pictures. It was also before I learned how to use Lightroom. And we were pretty far from the stage. But it was an amazing first con.
MinnCon 2017 - @fuckyou-mavhenan returned in August of 2017 and we planned the weekend down to the fifteen minute window with our Silver weekend passes. Except we never planned on any photo ops. In fact, we rolled up to the ticket table to check ops Friday morning and when we saw the very last J2 op, we bought it on the spot.
I learned just how sweaty Jared is that day. After the picture was taken, I said out loud, “Wow you really are sweaty,” because my arm was damp from having hugged him. He apologized for being “gross” and I said, “oh honey, it is so not gross” and he thought that was hilarious, then proceeded to smother me in a hug. I died. It was also glorious.
Pictures from that con were meh. Again, forgot to rent a better lens and still wasn’t using Lightroom, although our seats were nominally better.
MinnCon 2018 - Insanity. Like, just dumb. First, they moved the con to November, which was fucking stupid because @fuckyou-mavhenan couldn’t come up. Then I find out it’s the last time they’re going to be in Minneapolis so I freaked out and bought tickets near the end of February. Gold weekend and a Jared photo op.
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. And when I did the math, I realized I’d be just shy of 37 weeks pregnant. A couple months before the con I decided to book a hotel room in downtown Minneapolis instead of driving back and forth all weekend (because pregnant). And about two weeks prior to the con, VIP and M&G auctions went up so I bid on both and won both (VIP and a Jared M&G).
And then the weekend came. I was huge. I was uncomfortable, exhausted, and rocking some serious sinus bullshit (because pregnant). But all that ceased to matter for a number of reasons. First, VIP was a-fucking-mazing. Second, I met @atc74. For realsies. In person. And we kicked it together during the SNS. And Rob kissed us. :3
Then there was CUPCAKEPOCALYPSE
I will never forget that. Mainly because I’m still mad my pregnant ass did not get to eat one of those cupcakes.
I guess he made up for it here:
I cannot put into words how wonderful of an experience his photo op was. Every time I saw Jared on Sunday, from the start of his M&G, to the photo op, to his VIP M&G, and at last during his autograph, he either congratulated me on the baby or touched my belly and asked me about her. At least twice he told me I looked stunning and it reminded him of when Gen was pregnant with Tom. I don’t know how I kept my shit together.
And the pictures I took! I rented a damn nice lens and learned how to use Lightroom! I was so happy with how they turned out.
VegasCon 2019 - I went to Vegas for a bachelorette party. I had no intention of going to the con. It just... happened. The bachelorette group kind of wanted to do their own things on Sunday afternoon because we all paid a lot of money to go out there and the bride-to-be was super cool about it. So when I had nothing to do, I caught a cab to the Rio and figured I’d just browse the vendor room. My VIP liaison from Minneapolis was also there and so I met up with her to chat a bit, which was rad.
And then I ended up with a wristband. I won’t say how, but I did. It took me about half an hour to realize that, with a wristband, I’d be able to go buy a photo op or autograph. I was immediately pissed because Jared’s op had just wrapped and I so very much wanted to talk to him again, but all of his ops (solo or otherwise) were sold out. So at least I didn’t miss out on that.
But I did end up with a Rob & Rich op! I told them that the last time I’d seen them was in Minneapolis back in November in VIP and I was about to say “when I was pregnant”, but Rob said, “YES. YOU WERE PREGNANT. How’s the baby?!”
Ya’ll, I died. Rob is amazing.
I have more favorite con moments. But these are the ones that stuck out.
Favorite SPN Tumblr Moments
I have to admit, I’m a terrible member of the fanfic community on Tumblr. I hardly ever read fic. So, the only thing I’ll mention about fanfic is how grateful I am for the people that have taken the time to read, reblog, and comment on my work. I cannot thank you all enough (and ya’ll know who you are).
One of the slightly embarrassing things about the SPN fandom on Tumblr is how much you asshats have outed me and my thirst for Jared. I’ve been live blogging this season (and a bit of last season) and whenever I comment about how much I love Sam/Jared doing pretty much anything ya’ll gotta reblog THAT post. Thanks for that.
But the most amazing thing I cannot put into words is how awesome it was to meet people from this fandom now. @atc74, @sis-tafics, @saxxxology, @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms, @from-trista-with-love, @samsexualdeancurious, and @emptywithout, it was wonderful meeting you all. (I hope I didn’t miss anyone!)
Favorite SPN Show Moments/Characters/Things
So it’s no secret that Sam is my favorite character from the show. But there really isn’t a character I didn’t enjoy. Even the villains are epic on this show. And most of them were so wonderfully grey that I could never hate them for long.
I don’t think I can pick a singular favorite moment from the show. There are too many awesome pop culture references, too many awesome guest spots, and so many excellent story lines/plots.
I’m a sucker for lore, so I love things like Sam wielding Mjolnir and werewolves and djinn. I dig tulpas (”it’s notta tulpa”) and enochian brass knuckles and angel blades and Ruby’s knife.
I’m also a huge fan of cinematography, so we when we get those beautiful shots of these beautiful actors’ faces just popping out of the darkness (very much like a Caravaggio panting) I drool a little.
But if there is only one thing that really fueled my love for this show, it’s the damn gag reels. I thought I liked Sam before, but seeing how absolutely dumb Jared is on set intentionally fucking up takes made me love him even more. And I have an absolute favorite gag reel moment. Two, specifically, both from this season:
“Trusting a fart after 40.”
I fucking died.
Also:
@aborddelimpala, thank you for that gifset. I cried laughing so hard at this shit.
So that’s it. That’s all of my weird contributions to this incredibly unique fandom. I love you all and I love everything this show has given us. I can’t imagine my life without it.
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BODY AND SOUL Part 28 (Duncan Shepherd/Mackenzie Stone Millory AU)
BODY AND SOUL MASTERPOST
Author’s Note: I am really proud of and happy with this part; I cried like four times while I edited it. While I’m writing I can never really tell how my stuff is turning out; only reading over it later do I get a real feel for it, and this one made me feel some BIG emotions, which is always the goal with Duckenzie. As for the details, as usual: There are basically an infinite number of combinations of food you can put in tinfoil dinners; here’s 30 examples. The fire pit enclosure is built like this (but with brick instead of gravel), the copper pit itself looks sort of like this, but embedded in the pit. Obviously, both Duncan and Kenzie manifest Pyrokinesis in this part. In my AU, neither Kenzie nor Duncan are as powerful as their Michael/Mallory selves, as I mentioned before (more about that later); and Duncan’s right, Kenzie is more powerful than he is, and she always will be. ROCK A LITTLE is MY favorite of Stevie’s solo albums, so I made it Kenzie’s favorite, naturally. It’s wildly underrated in my eyes, an album with very strong feminine energy, and an incredible album to dance to (like Stevie, I think of Kenzie as always dancing). TALK TO ME is one of my favorite Stevie songs, period; it’s about the connection you have with someone when you can see who they really are, the assurance sent out that you love them unconditionally; of course it fits Duckenzie, because their love for each other is absolute. I also wanted to play on the idea of them needing to talk to each other out loud versus being able to really hear each other--that is, feel what the other is feeling--without words.The sound system built into the stone path is something like this. I cut Duncan’s dream off before Michael’s snow goes evil--I wanted the moments after they wake up from the dreams to be happy and sexy, but he will find out about his Michael!otherself soon enough, just as Kenzie will learn of her Mallory!otherself...very, very soon, in fact. I realized after I wrote this part that @spellman made a gifset awhile back featuring both of the scenes Duncan and Kenzie dream about, which is so perfect, here. I also really realized consciously for the first time that while Michael’s hair is blonde and Mallory’s chestnut-brown, my Kenzie’s is chestnut-blonde and Duncan’s is a russet-brown, which is sort of a lovely dichotomy between the two universes (I live for shit like that). Don’t worry, Kenzie’s going to get a ring (my dream ring asdhdjdgsh), but i wanted her initial acceptance of Duncan’s proposal to be more organic, and I’m so happy with it here--Duncan is ostensibly offering himself rather than anything material in that moment, which was SO important to me. Can’t wait to write the scene where Duncan calls Madeline Momby to her face for the first time. Soon. The next part is Big Cosmic Vibes and I can’t wait for everyone to read it. As ever, your asks, comments, likes, edits and reblogs mean everything to me.
Kenzie ran up the stairs towards the bedroom, heart hammering. What is that place. That place surrounded by black oaks, growing impossibly close together, so quietly, with no wind? Like a doorway. Like that hidden door that flew open for us when we met. It’s one of those places. There was one on that balcony that night; the roses, the solitude, the quiet beauty of that evening. That was a thin place too. I see that now. Duncan and I were meant to meet each other that way, in that thin place; to see each other. To recognize each other.
Because--what. We’re fucking Soulmates. I think that’s what it means. I don’t know. But I think so.
Kenzie pitched herself down to her suitcase, tossing it sideways, unzipping it in the fading light of the bedroom. The window was still open--the coming night was drifting in, tossing the tiny flowers in her hair. Kenzie thought of how Duncan had appeared in the doorway that afternoon; after he’d fucked her so passionately on the silken softness of this vast bed, left the loving marks of his attention on her--you have magic in you that you’ve only begun to discover, Duncan Shepherd. Together we are going to do something incredible, something we can’t see the exact shape of yet, but when we’re together I can feel the magic growing, like a tree that took root in the center of my body, and now it’s shooting up and its leaves are reaching through my arms and my throat and around my heart and filling my mind with their gold and every part of me is tingling with it, it’s like the way I feel when we fuck, it’s so beautiful and intense I can’t breathe. It’s the rightness of it that moves me so much. It’s the exact right thing. You, and the energy that is being stirred up between us. It’s our destiny.
She wrapped the grey cardigan around her shoulders and pulled out Duncan’s Brooks Brothers’ cardigan after it--for him. Let him wear it tonight, wrapped in the scent of me now, as once it smelled like him so much, comforting me when I told Momby I loved him. The tender way he wrapped it around me after that first night--I saw the promise in his eyes. Even then, I knew. We both did.
Kenzie stood and gathered Duncan’s discarded shirt from its pile beside the bed, then flipped the slender copper standing lamp beside the door on before she left--it illuminated Cupid and Psyche in its rich glow. Kenzie stared at it, bathed in the soft light; her eyes drifted over the flowers in Cupid’s hair, sweet alyssum, a crown for a prince of beauty. My prince. Maybe someday we can hang this picture somewhere in the garden house.
Kenzie suddenly felt like crying. Fuck. I love him so much. Oh, Kenzie Lou. You must have really paid your dues in another life. Just be grateful for every minute, every second with him. Watch the wondrous way the light is kindling up in his soul. It’s so beautiful I could just die.
Kenzie started at the stop of the stairs, then stopped.
I wonder if I can do that. What Duncan did. Appear somewhere else.
She gathered the cardigan and Duncan’s shirt in her arms against her chest, tightly--then Kenzie closed her eyes, biting into her lip. The deck. I want to be on the deck. For a moment, there was nothing--the silence extended, nothing moved, there was no sound in the house but the whispering rattle of the summer wind upstairs through the open window; the softest calling of a loon out on the lake, far off.
And then, she shifted. And she felt the wind on her cheeks distinctly, could feel the change in the air; the richness of all the scents of nature. Kenzie opened her eyes. Duncan was coming through the deck door from inside, the fireside cooking kit under his arm, a long box of tinfoil atop it, and in his other hand a carefully-balanced serving plate of the cold chicken seasoned with lemon pepper, red chili pepper and garlic, raw carrots and celery and some of the little sweet peppers, also tossed in the seasoning and olive oil--Kenzie could see them glistening in the low light.
“Baby. I did it. I just did it.” Kenzie hopped on the heels of her sneakers, overcome; she clapped her hands and rushed to him, carefully gripping the bottom of the plate, setting it on the deck’s round wooden table. Duncan stared down at her, puzzled for a moment, then a dawning expression of understanding came into his eyes.
“You appeared down here. You moved. Like I can. Fuck.”
“Dunny. I bet you can do things I do, too. Try it. Try moving something.”
Duncan blew air out of his nose, set down the other things he was holding. “Okay.” He closed his eyes for a moment, held his palm out flat towards the serving tray. For a moment, one of the carrots shivered, then rolled; back and forth, as if pushed by a particularly strong gust of wind. Then as Kenzie’s eyes focused on it, it shot into Duncan’s palm, leaving a trail of olive oil along his skin. Duncan grinned at her, his blue eyes lifting up in the shadows that had begun to gather around them, flashing almost white; then he laughed in amazed wonder, throwing the carrot into his mouth and crunching it with a triumphant immediacy, and Kenzie hopped on her heels again, laughing with abandon, too.
“This is fucking amazing,” he whispered as he swallowed. His hair was wind-tossed, his expression achingly sincere; his eyes seemed to be an indigo sky with drifting, shadowed clouds. Kenzie ran to him and threw her arms around him; she could feel the goosebumps that covered him now, and immediately unfolded his shirt in her hands, pulling it around him--he slipped his arms through, his expression full of aching affection for her.
“And now it smells like me,” she added, gently holding out the black cardigan as Duncan worked at the shirt’s buttons. He took it from her, almost reverently, pulled his arms through it and as Kenzie watched, heart aching, he brought the sleeves up to his nose, closing his eyes.
“It really does. Since I can’t really fit into any of your other clothes, this is the next best thing.” He gathered her against him. Kenzie, my sweet little firefly. We can do magic. Can you feel that? The air is vibrating because of us. It’s coming from us. Kenzie buried her face in the softness of his shirt, gripping onto the edges of the cardigan, lost in the feeling of him; you’re so much bigger than me, my sweet Dunny, you’re so warm, you could be my blanket at night, my coat in the winter. You are. You’re my shelter from everything. And here are the tears again; tears forever and ever. I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying again.
“Kenzie, cry as long as you want to.” Duncan’s lips were at her ear, the night wind drifting as the sun began its final descent below the horizon. “You can always cry with me, baby. I love you. I’ll kiss every fucking tear.”
The fairy lights along the deck had come on, and there seemed to be a hundred of them, in dipping echelons all along the sides of the surrounding fence, lifting up to the lintels. Kenzie noticed tiny lamps, embedded in the ground along the sides of the stone path, for the first time; they extended all the way to the dock and encircled the gazebo. Duncan must have set the timer, Kenzie thought, and more tears leaked from her eyes. Baby, you’re so thoughtful. You remember all the little things I say even when I don’t realize you’re listening. Duncan didn’t speak, but she felt the drift of his reply: everything you say I hold close to my heart. I wish I could memorize all of it--I wish I could tattoo your sweet voice onto my skin. It’s heaven to listen to you and I feel blessed that you would chose me to be the one to hear the things you say.
Kenzie looked up from the halo of his arms, past his earnest, dark-sky eyes, her gaze drawn up in shock--with a little gasp she realized the stars were coming out in earnest now, their cascade immediate, overwhelming, and deeply clear already. Nothing hindered the sky here; Duncan had been right. None of the haziness of neon lights to impede nature’s opulent display of cosmic wonders; a billion pricks of light were bursting in heaven, each one with a story so vast and infinite, Kenzie knew, it was enough to make one sob. She bit into her lip, pressing her cheek into his warmth again, closing her eyes; fuck, baby, that’s too fucking beautiful, I can’t stand it. She felt his cheek fall against the top of her head, and his arms held her so tightly they seemed to be crushing the breath from her lungs, but she didn’t care, no, no, to be inside his arms this way was the sweetest of all things, and she wanted it to go on forever. The thought of him letting go of her now made her want to wail like she was a little girl, bereft from the loss of Momby holding her. Her tears began to wet the front of Duncan’s shirt--she tried to lean back, upset to sodden it, but he shook his cheek against her.
“It doesn’t matter, baby, it doesn’t matter--I love you, I love you--”
Kenzie sniffled, letting out a shuddering breath, breathing the deep jasmine of his clothing into her; then she murmured “I’m hungry, baby, and I want music.”
“Mhmm, Princess Kenzie.” Duncan leaned his face down to her, kissing her wet cheeks, her mouth with tiny, tickling, pecking kisses--soon Kenzie was laughing through her tears, unable to contemplate anything but the sweetness of his touch now. Her stomach rumbled; Duncan gently let go of her and turned back to the dinner supplies.
“In the corner there, baby, you’ll see there’s a stereo setup.” Duncan nodded to the left side of the sliding door that led back into the cabin as he began to pull out two long sheets of the tinfoil. “Put something on. You’ll see. There’re hidden speakers all along the path,” Duncan said, “--and some in the gazebo, too. The music will echo everywhere. You can even hear it out on the lake for a little ways.”
“I should have known you’d know how to make tinfoil dinners without me telling you,” Kenzie shook her head, stepping away from him to where outdoor stereo system was protected under an awning that seemed to have been built specifically for it--she pressed a round power button and a menu came up on the interface with endless options; Sirius XM, Spotify, Pandora, and a digital library of over 100,000 songs. “Never met a rich boy who could cook like you. Then again--I didn’t meet many rich boys before you. Not my crowd.”
“I’m the only good one. Most rich people are terrible. Take it from someone who’s been around them their entire life.”
“That’s exactly the sort of thing a rich boy would say, Mr. Shepherd.” She turned back to him, sticking her tongue out, wrinkling her nose. Duncan had a laugh playing around his mouth now, glancing between her and his work as he arranged their dinners carefully on the foil sheets, the cold chicken in the centers surrounded by the vegetables, wrapping up the edges, making two foil lids to place atop them. She went back to the stereo, opening Spotify, searching for a specific album.
“But you actually are good, baby,” she said, over her shoulder. “You’re so good it makes me want to scream, honestly--and the fact that you aren’t hiding it anymore is something you should be proud of. I remember this one interview I saw of yours on TV last year--oh god, this is funny to think about now, baby--but you were so stoic in it, I thought, god, he’s so fucking handsome, but he seems so cold. Well. Duncan Malcolm Shepherd: you’re a big faker.”
She looked back at him, smiling, playful. She could see the blush on his cheeks in the glow of the fairy lights, the admission on his face. You’re right, of course, baby.
“Guilty. I am. Or, well, I was. I was good at it, too.”
“I saw through you, right away. I never would have gone home with you otherwise.”
“I couldn’t believe it when you said you would. I was so fucking nervous, Kenz. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything as much as I wanted you. The minute I fucking laid my eyes on you. It was like being slapped in the face. My heart just--fucking stopped. Like I--I recognized you. Like I knew it was you.” Duncan was wiping his hands on a cloth napkin he’d tucked under the serving tray as Kenzie hit PLAY.
“This is my favorite of Stevie’s solo albums.” Kenzie came over to him, sitting at one of the deck chairs, its spindly finely-wrought metal reminding her of a throne. Duncan was taking the fireside cooking kit out of its box; he leaned over her to kiss her, and she lifted her hands up to this cheeks, holding him against her for a moment. I can’t wait...the first line echoed into an electronic wind-up--it rang out over the stone path and seemed to skim across the lakeshore, dancing off onto the serene surface of the water. Now that I love you…the riff of an electric guitar bled out, flitting away from them on the deck, down the lights, through the trees, and Kenzie rattled her head from side to side with the music, grinning now. Duncan dipped away from her, laughing at her. Love you love you love you--she could hear him humming against her mind, could feel the sincerity of him, like a mantra whispered into her ear.
“I’m gonna go get some wine,” she said, hopping up. He nodded, the portable stove-top under one arm, their wrapped dinners on the serving tray in the other. “Get that sauvignon blanc, baby--I think you’ll love that one.”
“It’s nice to have my own private sommelier,” Kenzie drolled, blowing a kiss towards him. Duncan made an overdramatic gesture of ardency, as though he’d been smacked in the chest with cupid’s arrow, pretending as though he were about to faint. Kenzie laughed delightedly. I love it when you’re like this with me. No walls up, unafraid, unworried. Just happy. She hopped up from the chair, watching him over her shoulder as he stepped carefully down to the fire pit on the brick inlet at the bottom of the stairs, admiring the curls at the back of his hair, the wideness of his shoulders, the smooth skin at the nape of his neck.
Kenzie felt compelled to look above her again, at the radiant tapestry she knew was coming out there (the stars the stars galaxies the universe our universe, so vast in itself, so infinite), but forced herself on inside, through the sliding door at the ground level, to the side of the deck, closer to the kitchen. Soon we’ll lay under them and I’ll look for hours. I want to savor it. I want to wait a little bit longer before I really drink it in. I feel so overwhelmed--just getting to be alone together like this is a dream I never want to wake up from.
Kenzie moved through the side-room here, styled similarly to the front room; this alcove had several bookshelves, the books therein all of a similar, nature-oriented slant (she spotted Jack London and Henry David Thoreau as she walked past them), and another standing statue--this one was Artemis, her starry bow distinct, her hair tied back, a hound traipsing at her bare feet. Child of the moon; her only lover, Kenzie thought. To run always in the sweet embrace of the night--a night like this, but one that never ends. She could hear the music drifting in from the deck, Stevie’s distinct wail melting around her (well she dances around in circles, she’s got that feeling now)--the kitchen was half-lit by two identical, tiny lanterns that hung over the windows that looked out on the forest. Kenzie went to the picnic basket, now resting on the counter--Duncan had emptied it of their lunch and cleaned it--and pulled out two of the wine glasses, grasping one of the wine bottles that lined the lower shelf of the fridge (that sauvignon blanc--Duncan really does have excellent taste when it comes to wine, I’ve loved everything he’s picked out). She hesitated at the window, opening the wine with the bottle opener strapped to the top of the basket, looking out to where the dark pines dipped down. Her mind reached out to that circle of black oaks she knew lay just beyond. The gateway to another world.
She shivered, then made her way back outside.
The sharp smell of smoke on hickory hit her nose as she pulled the sliding door open with her elbow--Kenzie started with excitement as her eyes fell on the fire that now roared beyond the deck, its brilliant titian-white flaring up into the darkness. She could see Duncan standing to the side, illuminated in the light of it. He was staring down into it, standing beside the coppery basin of the firepit, his hand on his chin--he took her breath away for a moment, his expression serious and far-away, his blue eyes reflecting the licking flames with an eerie, ethereal beauty. There was something about him, silhouetted in the flames that way, that made her pause--stilled the excitement that had bubbled up in her, pressed strange apprehension into the corners of her mind--then it passed, as a vague dream, and Kenzie made her way down the steps, the wine and glasses in her hands.
“Shit, Dunny, you sure got that going fast,” she murmured, holding one of the glasses out to him. His eyes skirted to her--only then did Kenzie see the strange expression in them closely, the depth of his disbelief, his confusion. For a moment, they were both silent--the only sounds were the crackling fire, and Stevie’s soft voice--
No explanations and I tell you no...you say...nothing...that is how songs are written, stories are told, rumors are started...
“Kenzie.”
“Fuck, what is it, Duncan? What’s wrong?”
“I--the fire. I think I...I don’t know how I started the fire. I was piling the hickory in the pit and sort of, I dunno--thinking about the fire? I was thinking about it, imagining it. And then there was a fire. It was just--there. Kenz. It was just fucking there, flaring up like I’d doused the wood in gasoline and lit a match. Only I didn’t. All I did was think about fire.”
“Are you telling me you started the fire with your mind, Duncan?”
“Yes. Kenzie. Yes.”
Kenzie cupped her hand under his, which held the wine glass she’d handed him, limply. She dipped the bottle down into the rim, pouring until the glass was entirely full. Then she did the same for her own glass, setting the bottle on the round brick-lined slab of the pit’s outer enclosure.
“I wanna try.”
Kenzie clinked her glass against his--as Duncan watched her, that confusion still in his fire-lit eyes, she gulped at the wine, draining it halfway. Then, Kenzie turned to where the portable cooking stove was sitting beside the pit, still unlit in Duncan’s distraction. She knelt down in front of it.
Fire, she thought, gathering the warmth she felt on her back from the pit, the flickering orange dancing at the corners of her vision. Fire. She imagined pulling elements out of the air--carbon dioxide, oxygen, nitrogen--whirling them together, combining them.
Then, the little stove was lit; she could see the blue flicker of the flame burst up from the element at the bottom, could feel its little wave of heat spurt out towards her hands.
“Fuck.” She looked up at Duncan, whose fingers were pressed on his lips now, his eyes intense on her--a smile broke across his face, his grin kindling her heart up like the flames. As she watched he drank deeply from the wine she’d poured him--knew he felt in need of its heady courage, drifting in confusion.
“Holy shit, baby.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “We can--we can make fire.”
Kenzie stood, noticing her legs were shaking. What else can we do. What other wonders, my love. How far does this magick go? She stood facing him for a long moment--the rich scent of the fire was flushing down her senses, its flickering heat drifting her hair back around her face. She could see the white glow behind his eyes, the power that was hovering inside him in this space, beside the fire he had made. And Kenzie knew, with certainty, that it was because of her that this fire had woken inside him. Knew that it was her light that had brought him to life this way. And the deepest joy filled her, like the sunrise, like the dawn bursting over a cool horizon, dancing over a field caked in dew, warming the earth and everything it could reach--spreading itself infinitely, selflessly, without reserve. That’s how I feel towards you, beloved. I could give endlessly, and never grow tired; the more I give to you, the more I have to give.
Duncan rushed against her--she heard the pattering arc of his wine spilling onto the stones, sizzling droplets hitting the blazing fire. His lips fell into her hair, against her forehead, onto the space under her eye, the dip below her ear. She knew he could feel her; knew she didn’t have to speak, that he didn’t want to either, just wanted to bask in the glow of their extraordinary fire with her. You can talk to me, talk to me, you can talk to me, you can set your secrets free, baby--
“I wanna dance with you.” She was grinning into the sweet-smelling skin of his neck, straining up to him, his arms gathering her fiercely into him. “I love this song so much.”
Duncan laughed, pulling away from her. She could see the glittering tears, the fire reflecting them like diamonds in his eyes. He was shaking his head. “I don’t dance, baby--.”
“Oh yes, you fucking do!” Kenzie gripped the edges of his shirt, pulling his mouth down to her, lost in the woodsy scent along the prickly hairs there, smiling against him, beginning to sway, dipping her head back and forth. “How are we gonna get married if you won’t dance with me at our wedding?”
Duncan groaned at that, his longing absolute; she watched his face shift from embarrassment into one of absolute surrender. You got me. His body relaxed again from its momentary tension; the fire popped, a flare of brilliant orange flitting skyward, and he began to sway with her, leaning his forehead down onto hers as she gripped his collar possessively.
“Here it’s only us,” she whispered into the bridge of his nose. “There’s nobody else in the whole world, baby, just us, just me and you and this magick, this night--”
“Kenzie, Kenzie, my Kenzie…” Duncan murmured her name over and over, swaying against her, his face shifting, his lips falling down to speak against her mouth. The blue fire of you is so strong tonight, Duncan, beloved--it envelops me, fills the corners of my mind, the secret spaces of my body, the very center of my soul, but it doesn’t devour, no--it makes me greater. Inside your love this way, I am more whole. I am more myself than I ever thought possible. She leaned away from him, clutching his hands so he was supporting her weight as her head fell back, feeling her hair cascade down to brush along the soreness at her back, the memory of his devotions--Kenzie’s chin turned up to the stars again, finally. I’m ready now, baby. I can look now that I’m holding you. Her eyes opened--the multitude was there, as she knew it would be, and the sun was gone. In its absence, the infinite expanse of the hidden myriad; the unseen world. The cosmic tide.
Oh, let the walls burn down, set your secrets free, you can break their bounds, cause you're safe with me, you can lose your doubt, cause you'll find no danger here
She was gasping with it--the feeling of his hands, the absolute devastation of the stars above them. Who knew there were so many stars in this universe. I never really knew until this moment. They seemed impossibly bright and distinct, and she was shaken with them--had known she would be. They seemed to stare at her, at Duncan, at the fire they had birthed out of the ether; the stars seemed to know her, know them, and bless them. Those stars seemed to know and confirm what Kenzie knew in her heart to be true. Our destiny: to be together.
“I know,” he whispered. “There’s nothing like it. Nothing.” The fire popped again--the scent of burning hickory drifted up anew to them. Kenzie could hear the sizzling vibration of their dinners inside the stove’s rounded pot, forcing her eyes down from the heavens, her stomach rumbling again. Duncan was pulling away from her, reluctant but with purpose, draining his wine glass. “I’m gonna go get the blankets, baby. Let’s bring our dinner into the field. Let’s eat under the stars. The fire’ll be fine until we get back. It’s a strong fire--I--I know it is. I made it. I can feel it. How strong it is. It’ll last until morning.”
Kenzie felt her heart pounding in her throat--the certainty and strength in his gaze was so beautiful she felt faint with it. She nodded. He smiled (the smile of an angel) and stepped away from her, full of purpose. Kenzie drank her wine off as she waited for him, turning back to the fire, gazing deeply into it.
Pyrokinesis, that’s what they call it, she thought. The ability to create and manipulate fire with the mind. So we can move things, move ourselves, and create fire. I can heal people’s minds with soothing calm if I concentrate, if I will my healing gold--my energy--into them. And I invoke something in people now, too. Devotion. Trust. Goodwill. I always did, I think, but...now it’s stronger than ever. Now it’s something I can see immediately. And I think Duncan’s becoming that way too, as the light of our love really seeps into him, really touches his soul. The shadow in him will always be there, because it’s as essential a part of him as his deep goodness. The shadow is the outward self for him, the light the self within. For me, the light is outward, and the shadow within. Together we create something infinitely powerful.
Duncan was coming back, the picnic blanket tucked under one arm, two of the thick quilts under the other; his expression one of earnest happiness that clenched at her heart. Kenzie lifted the lid of the little cooking pot with a cloth napkin, a plume of steam rising up as she did, and knew their dinner was done. She placed the sizzling foil wraps on the serving tray with a pair of tongs; she dipped down to the burner underneath, hesitating for a moment, then, concentrated, drifted her fingers against the element, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, the fire had burned away--sucked back into the air, back into the energy it had occupied before. Thank you, she thought, sending her gratitude out into the night. Thank you for your gift.
“Wow,” Duncan breathed, watching her, eyes wide. “That was so beautiful, Kenz. That was so delicate and lovely. Everything you do is so lovely--the way you do this...this magic. It’s like you’re creating tiny worlds with your hands.”
Kenzie picked the tray up with both hands, smiling shyly at him. “It sort of feels like that, honestly. A tiny movement but with a huge, intricate thing inside it. It’s sort of like that.”
“I can see it. When you do it. Yours is more powerful than mine. Mine is clumsier, I have to concentrate for longer. Yours is...it’s so graceful. It’s an innate part of you. I think mine is stronger when you’re near me. When you’re away, it’s much smaller.”
“You’re in luck. I’m not going anywhere, Duncan Shepherd.”
“Baby,” he breathed, leaning down, eyes closing, brushing his mouth with aching tenderness against hers. She longed to touch his hands, but their hands were full--to the stars, the stars, her heart was pleading.
“Let’s go, baby, show me,” she whispered, and he nodded, stepping away, looking back to her. Come on, Kenzie Lou. This way.
------
They’d stepped off the path, away from the illumination of the house with its strings of fairy lights, the lamps lining the stone walkway. Here there was the outline of the forest to their left, and ahead, a thinner line of trees that she could in see beyond, see the dip of a slope, the skyline ahead, the slightest residue of night-kissed clouds drifting here, soon to dissipate. She could see the halo of Duncan’s curls, the dark slant of his back in the black cardigan, almost like a long cloak in this light, his towering height and the mounds of the blankets under his arms. He cocked his head back, his face shrouded in shadow but his eyes sharp azure, brimming with a titillating innocence here, in the balmy night, in the warm grasses, away from the clear path but knowing all the same. Kenzie felt faint with the surety she felt from him--knew how deeply he had hoped to show her this, whatever it was, knew how he had longed to, waited for this moment.
“The slope is a little bit sharp here, baby, so be careful, go slow,” he said, and she followed him through the thin line of trees, their whispering leaves brushing against her hair, as if they longed to kiss her. Kenzie’s eyes were adjusting to the dark now, and she could see the tiny bursting glow of fireflies drifting through the grass, along the treeline--she looked up and saw that the slope fell down in a slant of longer grasses, half-grown with early summer, and then drifted out to a field that extended for a hundred yards ahead, the forest surrounding on all sides. She felt sure the road lay somewhere far off into the distance to her right, but it wasn’t visible from this vantage, and they seemed to be utterly cut off from the modern world. Inside this vision before her, there was nothing but the open grass, the dark trees, the night in its full, fallen glory, and Duncan.
She followed him down the slope, eyes on her feet to keep herself steady on the incline, hands carefully gripping the corners of the tray, its deep heat soothing. Duncan looked back at her again, and she met his gaze, drifting out to him. Can’t wait to hold you soon. I’m gonna hold you under the stars and never let go. The slope ended and they were treading into the grasses now; into the center of the field. There were more fireflies here, but there was a surprising lack of other bugs--one of the fireflies drifted onto Kenzie’s hand and she looked down at it affectionately--hello, little one--its pulsing light crawling up her arm for a moment, then drifting away again out into the air.
Duncan stopped where the grasses seemed to dissipate, there was a flat circle of short grass here that almost seemed man-made, though Kenzie knew, somehow, that it wasn’t--the grass here just grows this way, she thought, certain. It’s always been this way. Duncan laid the picnic blanket down and then gathered the quilts atop it, then turned to her and grasped the tray. Kenzie smiled at him, sitting, gathering one of the quilts around her shoulders, and Duncan set the tray between them, settling down beside her.
“Kenzie. Look up.” Duncan’s hands reached out to her, gripping her fingers, steadying her. I’m here with you, Kenzie, my love. Then he drifted his head up, his adam’s apple dipping, his mouth opening a little, his eyes shining with impossible brightness (my love, she thought, your beauty is infinite, like these stars, I love you so much and when I die I’ll be reborn to find you again, I know it, I know, Duncan, I’m not afraid), and Kenzie did the same--lifted her eyes to heaven.
The stars were so distinct, so gloriously bright, so effulgent they seemed to burn her eyes. To try to contemplate all of them was like trying to sift out unique grains of sand from a desert; there are simply too many, too much--there’s too much, like the way I feel inside your love, there’s just too much, I can’t describe it, I can only feel it, Kenzie thought, her breath sighing out in a shivering gasp. She felt Duncan’s hands clutch her fingers more tightly, felt him lean closer to her to comfort her, the warmth and the scent of him drawing near.
“That’s the Summer Triangle,” she was whispering, her voice aching in the vast, illuminated shadows. His affection for her in this secret place felt like he was touching her on every part of her skin, and she felt tears on her cheeks again--it doesn’t matter, with him I can always cry. “Lyra, Cignus, and Aquila.” Kenzie pointed up, dipping her finger eastward to an area where the clusters of stars seemed their brightest; one star in particular pulsed in almost the exact center of the sky, its brilliance like a beacon shining down on them.
“What’s the bright one, there,” Duncan asked, his achingly beautiful hand drifting up to the centermost star. She glanced down at him again; Duncan’s eyes seemed illuminated with white once more, like balls of strange, lapis-tinted fire. His gaze was heavenward, the wind blowing his curls across his temple, into the blue nebula of his eyes; he reminded her again of a pious saint, the beautiful visage of some fresco of an angel in a holy temple; my beloved, you’re what the poets speak of, what the painters of the ages have sought to capture with their brushes and their paints and their hands. I chose you. I choose you--tonight, and for every day to come. And I, too, am infinitely blessed.
“It’s Vega.” Kenzie brought her lips against the stubble on his chin--she felt Duncan turn his face down to her, his nose, then his lips brushing against her forehead with urgency, his hand coming up to hold her steady against him. Stay here, Kenzie, let me feel you in the sweet star-kissed darkness. “It’s one of the brightest stars in the sky, especially this time of year. It’s not that far away, at least, compared to most stars--only 25 light-years--then again, one light-year is over 5 trillion miles.” She grinned at him in the starry shadows; knew he could see her smile when his very white, straight teeth flashed back at her.
“God, we didn’t even need to bring that stargazing book, I guess it doesn’t matter that we forgot to bring it out here with us. I should have guessed you knew so much about the cosmos--everything you own has stars and moons on it.” His hands drifted down her arms, and Kenzie shivered, the bliss of this moment encompassing her.
“I don’t know that much--I mean, look at all of them,” and she blushed as his gaze stayed, steady, on her instead. “Look baby, look.” She pressed his chin up--Duncan’s eyes skirted to heaven, then back to her as if drawn by an invisible current. “There are so many. It would take my whole life to learn about all of them.”
“You look like that painting--Star of Heaven. The one I took the picture of you leaning on. Your hair is glowing, Kenz. Like it’s full of stars.”
“Let’s eat, baby,” Kenzie said, lost to any other reply, trembling under the weight of the emotion she felt here, in this place, with him, the fireflies drifting in languid arcs of bursting light, the sky awash with incalculable wonders. He was nodding, but his hand was drifting through the waves of her hair, as if tethered there, unable to break away.
“Eat your dinner, Duncan. Do as I say.”
“Yes, Princess Kenzie.” His hand drifted away, but Kenzie could see the reluctance on his cheeks in the bluish shadow--the moon was still corn-husk bright, but it was surrounded by wisps of cloud that seemed to swirl around it, and it alone--the rest of the sky was almost shockingly sharp and bright under the wide, open space of the field here, to a degree Kenzie simply couldn’t make sense of. Like all the other magick around us lately, I’m going to just accept it, and bask in its wonders.
They both unwrapped the foil at the same time--a plume of smoke drifted up from each, and Kenzie couldn’t help but wriggle with excitement again at the wonderful scent that rose from them. She stabbed into the tender chicken with her fork, bringing it up to her lips, blowing eagerly, then popping it, hot and juicy, into her mouth.
“Ugh. It’s perfect, Duncan. Everything is perfect.” Their hands came together again, feeling desperately for each other.
“Kenzie. Today, in the woods--in that circle of oaks. Did you feel like--I dunno. Did you feel like we were in another place? It felt like we weren’t even on earth anymore. It felt like we went to another world. Did you feel that way? And I was calling you those strange names, but I don’t know where I heard them, or if I was imagining them, making them up, but...I don’t think so. I don’t think I was. I just--I don’t understand--the fire and--”
“Shhh, Dunny. I don’t know either. But I’m not afraid. I think--I think something is nearly here. It’s so close, can’t you feel it?” Kenzie set her fork down; drifted the very tips of her fingers down his palm, opened to her on his knee. Duncan looked up, as if the sky was less overwhelming than her eyes in this moment, less overwhelming than the strange wonders they’d experienced today.
“Yes, baby. I feel it.”
“We just have to--we just need to be patient for a little bit longer, I think. I think soon we’re going to understand things a lot better. Really soon. I just have this feeling, as if we’re standing in front of the next door on the path, and our hand is on the knob, and we’re about to turn it--”
“--And there’s just this little bit of time between the us and the door opening,” Duncan finished. “Yeah. Yes, baby. Yes. Okay.” He leaned down to his dinner, then, and she could feel the blue of his mind soothing, calming, settling down to indigo tranquility. They were both quiet then--they ate in a sweet silence that Kenzie cherished.
A little time passed--Duncan pushed his dinner away, his foil empty, and laid down on his back on the picnic blanket, one of the quilts under his head. Kenzie felt full and deliriously happy; Duncan pulled eagerly at her hand and she leaned down to him, pulling the other quilt over their legs, tucking her head down into the crook of his arm, breathing deeply at the smell of him--sweet jasmine, sharp cedar, the rain on a spring day in a green forest. Kenzie could feel something nagging at the blue patina of his thoughts again; something he was fighting to find words for, something that seemed vast and deep. Something from the woods. Something about those oaks all growing together, and the flowers in their swirling pattern. And my gold--the healing press of me against him now. The way I can soothe him so utterly, the way he knows it’s not just how much he loves me, or how much I love him, but an ability that I have. The magic that is mine and mine alone.
For awhile they laid there in the quiet, staring at heaven. Its dome of brilliant stars seemed almost unreal--simply too great, too imperceptible--and their thoughts were unclear to each other; his hand drifted through her hair, and Kenzie pressed her lips on the softness of his shirt under his breast. The moon drifted out from a cloud, then dipped behind another. Vega shimmered from the center of the sky--it seemed to look down directly on them, watchful, protective.
“Kenzie,” she heard his whisper, so soft she almost thought she’d imagined it.
“Yes? What is it, Duncan?” Somehow Kenzie knew that the thing he was going to say was going to shake her. Suddenly she was afraid--there was an immensity to this moment, a swooping, dropping sensation in her body. She tried to move her arms more tightly around him. Brace yourself, Kenzie Lou. This is the beginning of the revelations.
“In that circle in the woods....in the middle of everything. I had a realization. It was like...in that place, I could see everything about life more clearly. Everything about us, and the world, and the way it’s--it’s tied so loosely. I could see that we were in a--what did you call it--a thin place. Like we were close to other things. And I saw you...differently.”
“What do you mean, differently?” Kenzie brought her head up to look at him, her chin still resting on his chest. A firefly drifted past his russety curls, glowing faintly, then fading out.
“I mean--I saw what you really are.”
Kenzie smirked at him, despite the nervousness she felt fluttering in the center of her body.
“What am I? The Creature from the Black Lagoon?”
He grinned at her, twisting a lock of her hair around his hand, his gold bracelet glinting for a moment. You haven’t been wearing a watch lately, Kenzie thought. It’s like time doesn’t really matter anymore when we’re together, isn’t it, baby. It’s like that.
“Kenzie.” His expression softened; Kenzie could barely stand the emotion inside his gaze now. The blue center of a soft, drifting star. How I love your eyes, Duncan.
“Kenzie,” he said again. “You’re…”
She heard the thought before he spoke it. An angel. “An angel.”
“Baby, you always say that. You always call me that.”
“Kenz, no--I don’t mean like that. I mean you’re--I saw you. The real you. The you you were before this life, before this world, or...something. It was that place. Inside it, I could see things that are usually hidden. And I feel like you did too. Did you? Did you see anything? Anything...differently? Did you see me differently?”
Kenzie’s breath caught in her chest; her eyes drifted away from him, overwhelmed, into the stars, overwhelmed again inside them; she sighed, the breath trembling through her.
“I--I think--”
Fuck. I think I did. I think it was like a flash of lightning in a dark sky--there for a moment, then gone, but the outline of it still burned into my retinas. Like the dreams, I remember the outline, but not the details. I don’t know if it’s possible to remember the details. I think it might be too much to really see. Too great.
“I think so,” she whispered. “But I can’t describe--I can’t find the words...I remember the flowers around your head turned to gold. A gold so soft and beautiful it was like they were still alive--golden flowers, baby. And in my mind I thought...some kind of name. Like those names you called me. Sword of the Evening Star. That’s what it was. That was what I called you, in my mind. Like someone had whispered it into my ear. Sword of the Evening Star. How lovely is that.”
“I called you Angel of the Hidden Sphere,” Duncan’s hands soothed along her arm, down the crook of her waist. “And I don’t know what that means--I don’t know what the Hidden Sphere is--but Kenzie--listen to me. You were something else once. Something more than human. I guess I don’t know what else to call it. Mackenzie. You were an angel.”
Kenzie felt tears gathering along the edges of her eyes.
“An angel? Baby, what are you saying? I don’t…”
His lips drifted down against her forehead. His scent enveloped her; the soothing blue aura that always surrounded him was trenchant, completely whole, utterly certain.
“I know it’s unbelievable,” he was whispering against her, his voice steady, unshaking. “But just think about all the unbelievable things that have happened to us lately. We both made fire just by thinking about it. I moved across the entire house in the blink of an eye. You’ve been moving things across the room just by looking at them. You can heal people’s hearts just by touching them, just by willing it. I knew where you were last night because I felt you. When I realized Annette isn’t my real mother, you felt my sadness over miles, baby. All of that should be impossible in the world we used to know. But now that we’re together, there are extraordinary things in this world--real things, Kenz--that exist despite all doubt, and we’re starting to see them. And that’s what I saw. I saw that you were--that you are, that you always will be--a divine being.”
Oh, goddess. Oh, Duncan.
Kenzie felt the tears begin to course down her cheeks, dampening Duncan’s shirt--soaking into him. She began to sob quietly against him; I don’t understand--but I do. What you’re saying, oh, Duncan--I feel that it’s true. I can’t believe it, I can’t comprehend it, but I know it’s true. I don’t know what it means, I don’t know what the past was, or what the future is--but I know you’re right I know I was what you say. I know she’s inside me, still hidden, still waiting. Little parts of her peek out sometimes, when someone needs help, when I feel a love so deep for you it wants to tear me apart. But the wholeness of her is beyond this world.
“Oh, baby, oh, Dunny, oh my god, oh--” Kenzie found that she couldn’t stop now; her sobs rose, crashed against him, tears drifting in a steady stream against him now, soaking him. She brought her hand against her eyes, could feel her mouth crumpled into an involuntary frown, her heart overwhelmed with an immensity of knowledge that threatened to rip her in two. Duncan turned into her, his arms tightly around her, cradling her face inside his grasp, his cheek in her hair, his mouth speaking soothing sounds to her ear.
“Shhhh, baby, shhhh, angel, my angel, shhhhh, everything’s okay, everything’s fine, I’m here, I love you, shhhhhh...”
Kenzie could hear the slow, steady march of his heartbeat--could feel the tiny rhythmic burst of it against her cheek pressed to his body. Even inside this, even knowing this, trembling in its greatness, unable to comprehend my own Fate, I know the part of it that belongs with you. I know that, absolutely. At least that I know completely. Help me, baby. Help me bear it. Help me feel it and not be overcome by it.
“Exalted. Beloved of heaven. My Kenzie. I beheld your greatness. I am moved by it, body and soul.”
His words shivered against her with the softness of tiny wings. He was lifting her face up to him, his mouth the dearest, most passionate adoration. Kenzie could feel the stars above them now; feel their endless, wheeling weight, the massive geometry of their dance, feel the measurement and ponderousness of time for a long, infinite moment, extended through the divinity of his lips. No matter what eons pass, he thought, I will love you. For all time. I always have. In every place. In every time. In every moment. And forever.
Kenzie cried against him for a long time; the stars wheeled, glittering beyond all secret knowledge, and Duncan held her, his arms trembling with emotion, and after awhile, she felt his tears in her hair, and she felt soothed by them. As you are moved by me, I am moved by you, my love. As I am exalted, I’ve exalted you. Body and soul.
--------
Kenzie sat at a long table in a white room.
Zadie. It’s Zadie. Zadie was wearing a long black cardigan and a white blouse, holding a white rose. She was speaking, glancing at Kenzie from where she stood on the other side of the table; Kenzie could sense there were other women on either side of where she sat in the center, could sense their warm, curious energy in soft colors. Zadie was speaking, but Kenzie couldn’t hear her at first--she strained to hear, tried to still her mind away from whatever was blocking her hearing, tried to quiet herself. The sound slowly bled into her mind as though from a far distance--
“Nothing is immutable when the will of a strong woman is applied. Now, show me how strong you are.”
Zadie looked up at her expectantly; and at the other girls. Kenzie looked down--in her hand was a white rose almost identical to the one Zadie was holding. Kenzie knew, immediately; we’re supposed to change the color of the rose. It’s some kind of test--it’s like we’re in a class.
And Kenzie knew immediately, too, that she could do it. Like pouring wine into water, watching the color change. I can pour myself into the rose, and change it, utterly.
Kenzie felt herself breathe out, soothingly, felt the gold of her drift into the rose; slowly it altered, like the tide falling out onto the stretch of the shore. Blue, and her mind flared with the depth of her affection as she watched it change to a rich cobalt, like a lapis stone. Blue, the color of Duncan’s eyes, the color of his soul. Blue, in honor of the one I love most. Kenzie watched the rose deepen, felt the smile on her cheeks--then she watched, as if removed from herself, as the rose’s petals, now deeply, radiantly blue, drifted down from the stem, falling to the table’s surface. She thought of Duncan; like wings inside me, my deepest joy, the flowering center of my being, his hands so beautiful and graceful and delicate on my body, his devotion so pure, so entire. Roses in the bathtub, a diamond moon at my throat, our gold bracelets, tethered to our skin, the aching sound of his voice in the darkness, the beautiful edges of his jaw, his throat, his lips. The way he holds me, the passion of his touch. The blue is for him; as I am his.
Kenzie continued to watch the rose petals; as she did, she felt her mind reach out for them again, as if removed from her own demand, trapped inward, looking outward at another self. The petals began to alter, to change into something else--soon, each one was a cobalt-colored butterfly, their tiny minds melding against hers; each one was a part of her, she could feel it, each one was an aspect of her own soul. And each one is a devotion to him, she knew. Each one is a part of my love for him.
She felt herself drift a hand down, then dip it upwards, her fingers curling softly--the butterflies floated towards the ceiling, their wings drifting in graceful ease. She sent them to where she knew Zadie was standing; with mild surprise she noticed Candice now stood beside the tall girl, wearing a high-collared floral dress, her expression astonished at Kenzie--astonished at what she had done to the rose. The butterflies drifted above Candice’s head; Kenzie pushed the gold in her down, and the butterflies broke apart, becoming petals once more that fell around Candice and Zadie. Candice held out a hand, her face still marked with wonder; one of the petals floated down into her palm, and as Kenzie watched, it turned white again, the blue disappearing entirely.
And then she was drifting back up--up, up, towards a different, darker light, as through a pool of water lit by light, back into the night, back into the field of stars…
Kenzie opened her eyes. They saw nothing at first; only deep darkness, only void. Then, they began to adjust--she could feel the softness of the moonlight, once again peeked from behind a scant slip of cloud, and knew the warmth and weight under her cheek was Duncan’s body, knew the slow, steady drift of his breath meant he was asleep--as she had been a moment ago.
I was dreaming.
Kenzie looked up, moving only her eyes, keeping her head steady against him; through the corners of her vision she could see the universe still spread out above them, sense that they were still in the depth of the night, dawn far off. It was wonderfully warm against him under the quilt; the night was balmy and mild, the wind having drifted off, leaving the air very still. Kenzie could hear peepers calling off in the surrounding trees; she strained for a moment and heard an owl, the pattering of some creature in the undergrowth.
Blue butterflies, she thought. Blue roses for Duncan. How lovely. And Zadie and Candice were there. That was such a beautiful dream. I almost wish it had been longer.
She fought to come out of the dream; noted with vague surprise that they’d fallen asleep out here in the sweetness of the field, under these miraculous stars. I think I could sleep anywhere as long as you’re with me, she thought, and sat up, turning her head to gaze at Duncan in his sleep. Strands of his russet-colored hair drifted against his forehead, and his face was turned down to where the crown of her head had been a moment before, his hand near where her cheek had rested. He looks like an angel, she thought, vaguely; and then the dawning realization swooped back down on her, the memory of his words before, the ones that had made her cry so hard, the ones that had eventually pushed her (and him too) into such sudden, complete slumber.
That I’m divine, she thought. I’m an angel. Or, I was. Or, I will be. That’s not clear. None of this is. I just know he’s right. If so much hadn’t happened already--if so much magick wasn’t drifting around us--I’d think I’d gone insane. But I can’t deny it. I know he’s right, just as I know the sun will rise in a few hours, covering this field in golden dew. Just as I know he loves me so much he would die for me if he had to; die a thousand times, ten thousand times. As I know these things, I also know the truth of what he said; the certainty. I was something like that. It’s the reason I can heal his heart when he’s sad--send gold into him and soothe him. That was something I could do long ago, can do now again because our souls are close once more, and they remember each other, even if we didn’t at first.
That’s all I know. But I can feel that this is just a tip of it. Just the first part of knowing. Be patient, Kenzie Lou. All things come in time. All you can do now is wait. And she knew it was true.
Kenzie slowly slid her fingers down onto Duncan’s serene, stubbled cheek; she hovered just over his mouth now, and whispered softly.
“Dunny, baby, wake up…”
Duncan stirred, his head cocking up, to the side--he made a tiny, sweet sound, like a sigh, and then his eyes (white-blue sapphires) opened to her; she saw the immediate recognition in them, the confusion there washed away almost instantly, the calmness in him to behold her.
“Kenzie, I was making snow,” he murmured, his hands drifting up to grasp her at her hips, and she smiled at him, puzzled.
“Making snow, huh?”
“Mhmm.” He pulled her down to him, back into the warm cocoon of his arms; Kenzie’s cheek pressed into the soft skin that peeked from his collar and she let herself be drawn into the comfort of his embrace again. “I was in front of a fire, facing four men at a table. Anchaly was there, and so was Ben Wilder,” and Duncan laughed a little, his voice still tinged with sleep. “That’s dream logic I guess. I didn’t recognize the other two men...one had glasses, one had a short beard, dark eyes. I’ve never seen them before.”
“And you were making snow in front of a fire?”
“Yeah. The man with the dark eyes said change the weather inside this room, and turn the water into snow. So I did. I stood in front of the fire and lifted my hands into the air--I told the air to change. And it did. It started to snow. I was so happy--it was so lovely, Kenz. They laughed and said beautiful, beautiful--and then I heard your voice. I heard you calling to me, and I woke up.”
“I had a dream too,” she whispered against him, and Duncan’s arms drifted down the smoothness of the little dress she wore. She felt her skin prickle and hum under his fingers; remembered the graceful movements of her own hands, lifting the butterflies she’d made from rose petals into the air. “Zadie and Candice were in my dream, that’s so funny that you had people you recognize in yours too--and it’s odd--I was sitting with these other girls, and Zadie wanted us to change these roses we were holding. Change their color, I mean. And I did, I changed mine from white to blue; blue because it reminded me of you.”
She felt Duncan’s hands drifting down further still. Suddenly she felt hot, flushed--his fingers pressed under the hem of the dress, against the bottom dip of her ass, sore from his attentions earlier. She wondered what the bruises there were like now. His face was turning to her as she spoke, his eyes focusing in hers--she could see that strangely white, ethereal glow again, as though the moon were trapped inside the depth of blue. The white is the hidden aspect of you, she thought, like the moon turning behind a shadow. It’s the magic inside of you.
“Reminded you of me, huh?” His lips hovered over hers, his hands pressing up further against her ass, making her arch at the sensitivity there, and higher, along the fragile lift of her hip bone.
“Uh huh,” she whispered. “And then I turned them into butterflies. Isn’t that lovely? I thought about your love--how much you love me. And I made the petals into butterflies.”
“That’s beautiful, baby. That’s such a lovely dream. Can I kiss you, Princess?” She turned her jaw up, teasingly, away from his mouth--his lips dipped to hover in the space below her ear, not quite touching down, waiting for her reply. She leaned up into him, letting her breasts press up into his collarbones, eliciting a low moan from him; “...please, Princess Kenzie.” The night air was drifting against them again, the wind having stirred once more. His hair fell onto his forehead--his eyes burned for her, for me alone, she knew.
“Yes. Kiss me.”
He fell against her; his mouth was a supple devotion, salty-sweet and wet for her, wet with need. The depth of his desire was immediate, intense; his hands came to the slender straps at her shoulders, forcing them down with demanding strength as his tongue slipped between the smoothness of her teeth, coiling around hers, lifting back with anticipation, driving forward into her once again. Kenzie let out a low moan--she couldn’t hold back, couldn’t stave off the golden spiral that was stirring in her belly, licking in tendrils to her sore, hot sex. He was pushing the fabric of the dress away, pushing the cups of the bikini top down--Duncan slid down from her mouth and his burning, full lips closed over her nipple, hard and straining in the meandering air. Duncan sucked, flicking his tongue out to coil around her, so hot and wet Kenzie jerked up into him, crying out, then she heard her want falling out of her, like an obscene, Bacchanalian song.
“I wanna suck on you,” she whispered, loving the exigent heat of him on her breast, lost in it, opening her eyes to the stars, their glory urging her on inside her want. “I want you to fuck my mouth, baby. Please. I’m hungry for you.”
“Fuck, Kenzie, baby--”
“I mean it. Come here so I can get you hard for me. Do as I say.”
“Kenzie, angel, fuck, you know I’m already hard for you--”
“Then I’m gonna make you harder. Fuck my mouth.”
He was shivering now, shaken by her demanding tone, she knew; hopelessly aroused with it, straining to resist. She reached up, gripping his jaw, pulling him down to her, roughly devouring his mouth for an aching, unbearable moment, letting the wetness of the saliva gathering on her tongue graze into him, my mouth is wet for you, baby, wet for your needy cock, and then she pushed him up, away from her lips, staring into his eyes, tightening her fingers, a choke of supplication escaping his throat.
“Who do you belong to, baby?” she whispered.
“Ung, Kenzie, you, angel baby, divine angel, you, you know I do--”
“Fuck. My. Mouth.”
She let go of him at that, propping herself up on her elbows now, facing him, expectant. Duncan nodded, his eyes drifting closed in an overwhelmed stupor, the sleep having vanished from his face; he leaned up, the quilt falling away from him, his eyes fixated on the bareness of her breasts where he’d pushed the dress and her bikini down around her waist as he pushed the soft waistband of his shorts down, his thick, hardening cock falling free. Kenzie nodded, grinning at him.
“That’s it, baby. Come here.” She glanced down at her little breasts, suggestively, batting her eyelashes at him; put your cock between my breasts, baby, hold them together, fuck me there, wet me with your tongue--and she saw his eyes flash, long white-silver inside the brilliant blue, and he was leaning down to her, pressing his mouth with unbearably intense sweetness to her heart, laving his tongue out, slickly wet and hot, leaving streaks of moisture in the incline of her chest, glistening in the starlight, the hazy moonlight. Then he was leaning back, bucking his hips up toward her, pressing his cock to the wetness he’d left on her, and Kenzie dipped her head to him with hasty need, sucking his length into her lips, making him gasp--she slid down so he fell further into her throat, then lifted away, and Duncan was leaning his hips between her breasts, his achingly lovely fingers coming under, into their whiteness, covered in goosebumps at his touch. His cock slid down between them and he pushed both of her breasts against his length--Kenzie lowered her lips to the head of his cock again, smiling against it for a moment, then taking it into her mouth, gathering more wetness from the back of her throat; then Duncan was jerking his hips up into her, his mouth falling open in a beautiful abandon that made her feel faint.
I love your big fucking hands, baby, she thought, letting her eyes flutter closed, knowing he was watching her. I love your big fucking beautiful hands on me, spanking me, choking me, gripping me so tightly, leaving the bruises of your affections on me, fuck, I love it so, I love you, there’s nothing like the heat, the sweetness of your hands on me, leave bruises on my breasts, leave the marks of your fingertips on my soft skin--she let herself gag a little on his length, let her eyes roll back, knowing it would drive him to the edge, and felt a satisfied thrill as he groaned, loudly, into the night air, his hips shuddering against her nipples.
“Unnh, baby, Kenzie--” and she dipped lower, taking more of him, insistent, feeling the tips of his fingers digging into the supple, round softness of her. That’s it, baby. You belong to me, your body, your soul. If you know of my divinity--if I must accept it too, if I must find a way to live inside this knowledge while also being human, know that you belong to me--know that as you’re mine, entirely, supplicant to me, I am also yours entirely--and together we are infinitely lovely, intensely divine, my divinity made greater by you--as I give myself to you, give yourself to me: as only you can.
She pulled up from him, her tongue lingering on his smooth head, flicking into the hole there, and another long, pained groan leaked out from his lips.
“Can I please fuck you, Princess?” he moaned, and she giggled against him; oh I fucking love that too, Dunny, baby. I love it when you beg me, my lofty Prince of Shadows. My fair Hades on his high throne, begging me. Bowing to me.
“Only if you call me those beautiful names again,” she whispered, fluttering her eyelashes to him again, lifting her gaze up, staring into him, her tongue flicking out against him again. “Those beautiful divine names.”
“Goddess of the Golden Bower,” he breathed, and pulled away from her mouth; Kenzie let out a little whimper of longing. Come back to me.
“Princess Kenzie, please, let me fuck you now.” I long for the sweetness of our bodies together that way. I long for it always, but under this moon and these stars, I’m aching for you. If your blue butterflies are for me, the snow I made, shrouded in golden firelight, was all for you. “High Princess of the Garden of All Delights. Fuck, baby, I wonder what that place is. The Garden of All Delights. Doesn’t that sound beautiful? And you’re the High Princess of it. That’s only right--” and he was dipping his mouth down against hers again, his hands clutching her up into him, pressing under her shoulder blades, against the soft skin under her arms. “--you are the High Princess, aren’t you? The Princess of all Angels, I’m sure of it, I’m sure you are--”
“Ugh-hh, fu-uck, Duncan, baby--” Kenzie’s cheeks felt unbearably sensitive and soft where he kissed them, the memory of her sobbing tears still fresh there (tears of disbelief--I still can’t believe any of this, it still has to be a dream, how can I be divine, how can that be, blue flowers, blooming in your eyes, beloved, you must be the one who’s divine), but Duncan continued to press into her with insistence, his mouth a devout rose bud blooming onto her, her breath catching sharply inside his concentrations. She reached for his shirt, unbuttoning it (the second time today, baby, the third time in the throes of your need, and fuck, I don’t care, I want you again, I always do) as he worked her dress and the bikini further down, slipping his fingers into the waistband of the bottom at her hips--she slid out under his hands, amazed by the strength in them as she ever was, and his fingers were easily pushing her clothes away, which stood no chance against his urgency.
Now they were both naked (wonderfully, blessedly naked, naked but for my diamond moon and our ever-present golden tethers, the sweetness of this balmy night on our skin, and I’m stunned by your touch over and over, my wild wine god)--Duncan’s head dipped down, his curls trailing along the shivering mound of Kenzie’s stomach as his mouth kissed, adamant, at her abdomen--then pressed, immediate, tasting, at her clit, his tongue flat on her, drifting back and forth--then Duncan arched up and pushed her legs apart as far as he could, with a harsh movement that made her breath catch, suddenly frozen, in her throat; that’s it, fucking fuck me and she was murmuring as his mouth fell on hers again, his knees between her legs now.
“Yes, baby, yes, uhhh, Duncan, yes--” and Kenzie wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in the crook of his shoulder as he pushed into her, as far as he could, his hardness making her gasp again, gasp with immediate tears, and goddess, this beautiful night feels so fucking good, like it’s kissing every inch of me--helping you kiss me because your mouth can’t be everywhere at once, though I wish it could, I wish, baby, I wish--and Kenzie felt as though they were some wild god and goddess in some wild, mounted, hidden place, where only gods could reach, only divinity could escape to; you and me, my exalted love, and she felt his bluish affections inside her, felt his agreement, his approval of her imaginings--yes, Kenzie, only me and you, only us in a secret bower, the Garden of All Delights where only we can go, this place is our own garden right now, our own hidden Eden--
“God, baby, fucking you like this, under the stars--” he was whispering into her ear, his panting breath making her feel terribly close to the edge, weak with the threat of her orgasm, dizzy with the wave of his desire for her, “the most beautiful night, and no one here but us, and those beautiful dreams, and you, the most beautiful of all, my Kenzie--” and she was arching up against him, trying to hold back, but Duncan pressed his mouth to her neck and bit down into it, harshly, insistent to leave a mark--I know you want to, I feel it, Dunny, you want to leave a mark, more marks on my soft skin because I’m yours--and his fingers were dipping into the tininess of the space between their quivering stomachs as he pressed his thick, burning cock up into her, sending her senses reeling into dark, verdant shadows, rubbing at the sodden space between her legs, insistently coaxing her towards what she wanted so much but was desperate to prolong for just a little longer--she could feel him, the cool swirl of his emotion, already sad for the inevitable moment their bodies would part again, and Kenzie clutched at his cheeks, her thumb dipping to his mouth, lost in the beauty of his expression, the heavy half-lidded ecstasy of his eyes, the way his mouth hung open to her, his breath coming against her in lovely labors, each one a prayer to her.
She could feel the sweat that had begun to tether her hair to the back of her neck, against her temples and the dip of her jaw--could see the moisture glinting in the darkness on his forehead, in the dip of his clavicle, along his wide shoulders. “That’s it, baby,” he moaned into her, his eyes incandescently sincere, so lovely in this shade she wanted to laugh or scream or cry against him, “I’ll work you out again and again, Princess, I always will, I can’t stand to be away from you, not ever--there’s nothing that feels as perfect as this to me, nothing as perfect as your sweet little body against mine, fu-fuck, I never want it to end, you and me under these fuu-cking stars, divine Kenzie, under this moon, in this heat--I love you, fucking marry me, will you please marry me, Mackenzie, goddess, sweetest of all beings, I love you--will you marry me?”
She was laughing immediately--the moon had fallen outside of its wisping clouds again, and it seemed to be kissing them. Blessing us, she thought. The moon is giving us its blessing. Your timing is perfect, my sweet love. And I will. I fucking will.
“Fuck, yes, fu-uu-ck, goddess, yes, I fucking will, Duncan, yes,” she gasped into him, and now they were both laughing, the gold in her clashing into his sweet, starry blue, her mouth kissing down onto his face, kissing his eyelids, eternal protectors of his impossibly blue eyes, and the bridge of his beautiful straight nose, his trembling lips, his damp cheeks, damp with his sweat and tears--we can just die now, she thought, die in each other’s arms and then this moment will extend into eternity, and it’s enough, it’s more than enough, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted, to be seen by you so utterly, to feel the safety of my heart enshrined in you, you, you, my beautiful Prince, my evening star, you picked the perfect moment--truly, the most perfect moment--and as they came together, lips hopelessly entwined, smiling through tears of holy, astonished bliss, she thought, eyes to heaven, stars, sing, fucking sing for us--if I’m an angel, I have my wings again, made of a thousand blue butterflies. They’re you. You’re my wings, Duncan Shepherd.
------
The moon was dipping lower southwest by the time they gathered the blanket and quilt up, dressed between ardent, sleepy kisses, piled the remnants of their dinner on the tray, and made their way back up the sloping hill towards the house. The sky had clouded over more than before; it was clear for us, just for that amount of time, our stargazing, our enchanted sleep, our desperate passion, and the perfect moment--so wonderfully, desperately perfect--for him to ask me to belong to him as I knew he wanted to, for him to ask to belong to me, Kenzie thought, drifting against him with tired steps, her head brushing into his arm, his face leaning down to rest against the top of her head as their fingers tangled together, golden bracelets touching; she could feel his own tiredness, feel his longing to hold her entwined in his arms and sleep with her, long, lost, and gone from the world in the golden-soft bed.
As they came over the crest of the hill to the line of trees, Kenzie could see the fire pit still burning; the hickory logs were half gone now, the fire bluish-gold and black-tangerine. “You made a good fire, baby,” she whispered to him, staring up at his shoulder; Duncan smiled at her, sleepy, sincere, lovely beyond all words she could imagine inside this moment.
“I’m so happy, Kenzie,” he replied, his voice sweetly low--Kenzie longed for the moment they would collapse into the bed soon as she heard it, her mind already fixated on their sleep, the quiet halo of his arms and the scent of him in the dark bedroom. “That’s why the fire came out of me so bright--my body is full of it. The fire you’ve built inside me. Mackenzie Shepherd.”
Kenzie grinned at that, stepping ahead of him onto the deck, setting the tray down. “That’s gonna take some getting used to,” she replied. “It still sounds like Annette to me.”
“Well, Momby said herself, it’s not the name--it’s what you do with it.”
“Dunny,” Kenzie’s breath caught and she paused, turning to him. He was still holding the blankets in his arms, standing at the bottom of the steps, and his hair was tossed by their passions, by sweat and sleep. He’s so beautiful inside this moment; his goodness is shining out of him, glowing. I can see your halo now too, my sweet Hades--the one you kept hidden for so long. “You called her Momby. Oh. I love that so much. She’ll cry. She loves you so much, Duncan. Momby loves you so much. She’s going to fucking scream when we tell her.”
“And I love her. I figured--since she’ll really be my mother-in-law now--that she’ll give me her blessing to use her real name.”
“She definitely will. You don’t need to ask. Just wait till you see her face when she hears you call her Momby. Oh, baby--”
She stepped to him, desperate to feel him--clutched his face, the prickle at his jaw.
“I love you, Duncan Malcolm Shepherd.”
“As I love you, Mackenzie Louise Shepherd.”
I dunno, she thought, as Duncan’s lips lifted up to hers, where she hovered above him on the steps, on his kiss the sweet scent of woodsmoke, salt, and jasmine. I think I like it. I really do. Mackenzie Shepherd.
“Let’s try it together this time, baby.” Kenzie pulled one of the quilts from his arms, tucking it between her elbows against her stomach, and grasped his hands. “Let’s move to the bedroom right now. I wanna see if we can do it while we’re touching. Like this.”
A gleeful curiosity came into Duncan’s eyes, and he nodded. “Ready?”
“Ready for anything, baby.”
Kenzie closed her eyes; she focused on the comforting, constant pressure of Duncan’s large hands holding hers, the ever-gentle reassurance of his body close by. Let’s go to bed, she thought, and she felt his mind meld against hers--the thread of him, tied around her. Yes, sweet Kenzie. To bed.
The air shifted--the sweet smell of the hickory wood, the lifting night, the sweet grass dissipated--and then there was only the sound of the wind drifting, slight, against the gauzy curtains, and spring peepers out on the lake, very far off. Kenzie opened her eyes. Duncan was smiling at her; the smile of an angel. Where is your crown of flowers, my sweet Prince of Heaven, she thought. Here you are, unshrouded, radiant.
“We did it,” he whispered. He dropped the blanket from under his arm to a heap on the floor--gathered her up against him, pulling the quilt away from her--and carried her to the bed, his arms lifting her as though she were made of the soft blankets herself, easily, so sweetly, with a tenderness that brought a drifting, tingling contentment along her entire body, from the tip of her head to the bottom of her toes; hold me, beloved, forevermore. Duncan buried his face against her, and she knew they wouldn’t need to speak any more words out loud tonight. We did it--you and me. We moved through space and time. Together. Because it’s this love that brought all this magic into our lives. Everything else flows out from this love.
A little while later, their faces was washed, their teeth brushed, and they were naked, wiped clean of sweat and the residue of their come with damp cloths. Her back was pressed against his warm, bare torso in the golden-soft bed, his hand clasped in hers between her breasts, and Kenzie lay listening to the soft sound of Duncan’s measured, dreaming breath, feeling the tickle of it on her neck, and the gentle pulse of his heartbeat between her shoulders. She could sense that sunrise was not far off as she drifted away to sleep, inside the haven of his arms. Something’s coming tomorrow, she knew. But she wasn’t afraid; she welcomed it. Come destiny. Come. We’re ready.
#body and soul#my fic#duckenzie#millory#michael x mallory au#body and soul au#body and soul fic#body and soul fanfic#duncan shepherd au#house of cards au#ahs apocalypse au#duncan x mackenzie#duncan and mackenzie shepherd#mackenzie stone#mackenzie shepherd#millory au#mallory au#cody x billie au#cody fern x billie lourd#cody fern fanfic#billie lourd fanfic#i really did cry a lot editing this part y'all#i love it a lot#a big deal for me#i think i got so much of the nuance here down so perfectly#WRITING Y'ALL#IT'S WHAT I'M MEANT TO DO
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a complete gif tutorial
hi! so i was requested by @popalice007 to make a tutorial on how to make gifs and i am very happy to oblige! this will cover pretty much everything, from capturing frames to saving the final product. this is just how i personally do it, and there are loads of other ways to gif, and i recommend looking at other gifmakers’ tutorials to get a more well rounded view on how to gif. please continue reading if you are interested, and please like/reblog if you find it useful!
disclaimer this is going to get really wordy as i try to explain where to find things and how to do them and my thought process behind why i do them, but please send me a message/ask if something needs clarified!
also some of the pictures can be viewed in full size by clicking on them!
part 1: required materials and other tips
just another heads up, i have a pc, and while i believe most of this should be the same whether you have a mac or a pc, i could be very wrong as i’m not a computer expert and have never really used anything besides windows.
so the two programs i use are kmplayer and adobe photoshop cs5 portable. kmplayer can be downloaded for free here. i have the 32 bit version for windows, so that is what i’m going to be providing the instructions for, since the 64 bit version seems to be a little different. photoshop is pretty expensive, but thepiratebay has several torrents for it, and other downloads and torrents for it do exist. i downloaded mine quite awhile ago so i don’t remember exactly where and how i did it so it might require some researching. i would just double check the comments and instructions to make sure the download will work. there are also dedicated photoshop tumblrs that will probably have links to downloads.
if you are giffing a scene from a tv show, movie, video, etc, you also need to have the video saved somewhere on your computer/flashdrive/whatever. hd-source is a good source for tv shows, and there are tons of other sources. i download a lot from thepiratebay using a program called utorrent (i just use the free version) but beware because since you are downloading copyrighted materials it isnt legal, and while i have never had a problem, i have heard of people getting warning letters from their internet providers. you can also download youtube videos and videos from other places and there are lots of other ways to get videos that i won’t cover.
no matter where you get your video, you want it to be pretty high quality, since the higher quality the video is, the clearer and nicer the gif will turn out to be. most of the time you want 720p if you can get it. 1080p is nice and if you can get your hands on it without the video size being enormous you can certainly utilize it, but it isn’t a necessity and usually i don’t bother. anything lower than 480p can get to looking pretty grainy especially if you are doing full size 540 px gifs, but if you are giffing something from a convention panel video taken by a phone, for example, you don’t really have an option.
additionally, if you are giffing dialogue, find a script online somewhere or find subtitles. you can transcribe it yourself if you want, but if a character is mumbling or has an accent or something i like to be sure of what they are saying.
and finally, have some patience! a lot of the popular gifmakers have been doing this for years and have streamlined their process so it doesn’t take hours, but as a beginner it takes time to get everything right,so it is totally normal if you get to feeling frustrated.
part 2: capturing the frames
first you will want to have an idea of what scene you would like to gif. before i get started i create a new folder where i want the captured frames to go, and i name it something memorable so i can find it again later. kmplayer does also automatically create a folder called capture that you can use if you want. if you are doing a gifset like this, i would have 8 different folders and gave each of those gifs/scenes their own folders.
however, the example i’m going to be using throughout this tutorial is going to be a dialogue scene, specifically this one here, just because they can get a little more complicated imo (plus i want to show how i use the text tool etc). if i’m giffing a scene where characters are talking, even if the scene is a long one with back and forth dialogue, i usually like to cap it all at once and put it in the same folder, and then i separate it out later in photoshop. you can also plan ahead and put all the different bits in different folders, thats up to you and your personal preference.
next i open up kmplayer. kmplayer likes to update pretty regularly and will let you know when you open it if it wants to update. it doesn’t usually hurt to ignore it if you are in a rush, but i usually let it do its thing and make sure i don’t also download whatever browser service, etc. it also wants to install. sometimes ads show up on the right side, you can close them by hitting the little arrow between the ads and the video screen
to open the video, click on “kmplayer” in the upper left hand corner and then click on “open files”. search for your video file and double click it to open it
kmplayer will then open the video, and if its 720p often i have to make the window smaller because it fill up the entire screen and i need to be able to see other windows besides the video. if i remember correctly when you first download kmplayer it isnt automatically set to keep the aspect ratio the same, so if you need to, hit the f2 key to open the preferences or click the lightning bolt on top next to kmplayer, and then click on preferences. under general and then screen on the sidebar, and then under general again i have my settings like so, and hopefully that resolves that issue if you have it. you might have to reopen the video again for that to kick in but i’m not positive. if it still doesn’t work try to google it. i’ve had the problem a couple times and the answer is out there but i’m no tech pro.
anyway, i then locate the beginning of the scene that i want to gif. you can click around on the bottom along the progress bar, as well as using alt+left or right to jump forward and back a minute, the left or right arrow key to jump 5 seconds, or the f key to go forward a single frame. every frame counts, and it is preferable to have too many frames and have to delete them later than to find out your gif will only be 10 frames long because you started capping in the middle of the scene, or because you stopped capping too early. i typically will watch the clip a few times so that i have a set idea of where i want to start and stop.
once you are paused at the beginning of the scene you want to gif, press ctrl+g to open kmplayer’s frame extraction window. click on the folder icon so that you can locate that empty folder you had made earlier. this is where kmplayer will save the screencaps. i then set my settings to png, continuously, original size, and every frame, like so
now we are ready to start capturing! click start on the frame extraction window, and then click back over to the video (this is why i make the video window smaller, so that i can see the video and the frame extraction window at the same time). once i’m back on the window, i hold down and/or tap the f key. kmplayer will capture the frames as you go along. the audio plays along with it albeit choppily which is why i watch the clip several times beforehand, because it can be hard to follow and is disorienting. you can also click the play and pause button, but, again, the audio tends to play at a different rate and it gets confusing, so for me frame by frame is the way to go. keep tapping f until you get to end of the scene/wherever you want to stop. i keep the folder where the caps go open usually so if i mess up or change my mind on where to start/end, i can delete the whole folder and create a new empty one to start over again. this process takes practice and is often dependent on what you are trying to gif and its not a big deal if you have to try it a couple times to get it right.
once you have reached the end of the scene, click back over to the frame extraction window and click stop. if you are giffing multiple scenes from the same video you can click the folder icon and select a different folder to save frames into and then repeat the process of finding the scene and capping it, or if you want to cap from a different video, you can open a new video and cap from there. then if you are satisfied and have all your caps, you are free to exit out of kmplayer.
part 3: making the gif
now it is time to actually make the gif! go ahead and open photoshop, and if it is your first time you can play around and familiarize yourself with where things are. basic gifs don’t require a lot of the tools that photoshop has, and you can customize some as to what windows and panels are open. below is what my workspace typically looks like so that i can get to certain things quicker, but i will explain as i go along where the controls normally are found in the toolbar. also, if you hover over a control photoshop will tell you what it is and what it does.
to open the frames, go to file, then scripts, then load multiple dicom files. then find your folder of caps, select it, and then click OK to open
be aware that depending on the number of frames in that file and the size of the images it sometimes can take awhile to fully load. once they are loaded, you should be able to see all those screencaps as layers on the right hand side of the screen. if not, go to the top where it says windows and click on layers. i frequently accidentally cap a couple extra frames where the scene shifts and i go ahead and delete those layers by highlighting them (use the shift or ctrl key to highlight several at a time) and then clicking on the trashcan at the bottom of the layers sidepanel.
next we are going to turn these layers into gif frames! i have combined this step into an action that i use to automatically do this for me to save time since i gif on a semi regular basis, but the steps are as follows.
first, make sure the animation bar is open. if it is not then go up to window and click animation, and then it should open at the bottom of the screen. you also have to be in frame animation mode. on the upper right hand corner of that panel is an icon with four lines and and an arrow. click on that and then click on convert to frame animation. then in the same menu click make frames from layers.
this can also sometimes take some time if there are a lot of caps but when its done loading there will be frames in the animation bar. in the animation menu click select all frames. then, underneath any of the frames, there will be an arrow beside where it says 0 sec. click it and change the frame delay. what you set it to can be up to personal preference. i typically set mine to 0.07 or 0.08 which seems a bit slow, but i find when i convert the gif to a smart object (we’ll get to that) that seems to speed it up a little so i’ve just stuck with it. feel free to change the delay if you find later that that is too slow for your taste. also in lower left corner of the animation bar is where you set how many times the gif loops. change it from once to forever. the controls to play the gif are also below the frames.
since i gif a scene like this all in one big long take, it is now time to separate it into separate gifs if need be. if you are making a gifset like this you can skip this part because you most likely capped frames from different scenes and gave them their own folders, so they shouldnt need separating.
sometimes you have to get creative on how you split apart the scene, and there arent really any hard and fast rules. here are some things i like to keep in mind:
the camera angles - this is the most important for me. if the camera goes from showing one character to another, or from one angle to another, i separate those into separate gifs pretty much no matter what.
the length of the gifs - this is dependent on the size you are going to crop to, how much movement the scene has, how much color, etc., but i typically try not to go over 80-100 frames in a 265px width gif. they can be trimmed down later, but if it takes 200 frames for the camera to switch to the other character, don’t make that one gif
the dialogue - if there is a natural break in the dialogue, that is a good place to end a gif. you don’t need 50 frames of no one speaking if you are doing a gifset with dialogue.
how many gifs you are making/size - at some point you have to decide how wide your gifs will be and how many of them. if your gifs will be 268 px wide (2 columns of gifs) then you have to have an even number of gifs, and you will need to separate to account for that
going along with the first tip, i’m going to separate the frames by camera changes. i do this first so that way when i crop the gifs, i get things centered how i like.
you can see here by looking at the thumbnails of the layers what i mean by the camera changing angles.
first, press ctrl+n to open a new blank image. if the preset doesn’t say dicom files, click on that menu and click dicom files, that way the new image will be the same size as the original. hit ok.
next, highlight the layers in the original that are going to be the new gif. hold shift while clicking the first and last layer that you want to be in the new gif to do that. click on them, hold, and drag them over to the new document. they will probably be off center and/or invisible. if the layers are invisible click an empty box next to one of the layers so that an eye appears and the layer shows up. then click the move tool and move the layers around til the fill the document correctly. be sure not to stretch/transform the layers by dragging on the edges and corners. as long as all the layers are still highlighted they should all move at once.
next, scroll to the bottom of the layers and delete the blank layer. then repeat the steps to make frames and set the time delay and there is your new gif!
the layers for that new gif are still in the original document, so go ahead and hit the trashcan to delete them, as well as the now blank frames. continue opening new documents and splitting up the scene until you have a new gif for every camera change. the last gif i leave in the original document. i ended up with 5 camera changes so 6 gifs to start with
at this point i crop each gif. tumblr has a guide for image sizes, and the width is the most important thing to follow there. the height is really up to you. if i’m only doing two or four gifs i tend to make them taller than if i do 8 or 10 gifs just because it looks better to me. i’m going to probably end up with 8 gifs because a couple bits are a little long, so i’m going to go with 268 px as the width and 175px as the height. again, the 268 part is the important part to get right since i’m doing two gifs across. to crop, find the crop tool on the left and set your dimensions at the top. make sure when you enter your dimensions, it is in pixels/px and not inches or centimeters.
click, hold, and drag to stretch to create a shadow for what you cropping. i usually go as big as the edges of the image will allow, and then bring the corners in a tad, since occasionally i get a video that has a black outline and i don’t like to have that in the gif. either hit enter or the checkmark in the upper right corner of the toolbar to crop.
you might have to zoom at this point and resize your window. in the bottom left corner there is a percentage you can change, and now that the gif is cropped it will be small enough that you can set it to 100% if it isn’t that already. continue to crop the remaining gifs to the same size. after this i usually play through each one to make sure i have everything in the frame and roughly centered. if you need to undo, press ctrl+z or ctrl+alt+z and recrop or redo whatever needs redone. there is also a history you can pull up under windows, and you can use that to backtrack multiple steps.
next i figure out if i need to break up any of the gifs because of their length. with a gif this size i can probably get away with having more frames and i can trim them later, but if a gif has more than 100 frames i look and see if i can either trim it down now because there is a lot of frames without talking or movement, or if there is a natural break in dialogue where i can split it into two gifs. there are also times when the gifs are really short that you can sometimes combine with a gif before or after that one. that’s your perogative ultimately and what you think looks good but will fall under the 3mb limit, and takes practice and experience to get an idea if a gif is going to be too large. sometimes i go back and rewatch the scene to figure out where to split things up. i also keep in mind that i want 8 gifs for this scene and right now i have 6, so i need to create 2 more, whether i separate two gifs in half, or separate one gif into three new ones.
ultimately i decided to split my largest gif of 180 frames into 3 gifs because it has quite a bit of dialogue, and the other gifs are either already under 80 frames or can easily have some frames deleted out of it. between using the script, rewatching the scene a few more times, and trying to lipread what the doctor was saying, i decided to separate between frames 65/66 and 120/121 so that way they were roughly the same number of frames. the process to separate them is the same as it was when we had the big original gif. i selected the last frame i wanted to include in the new gif so that way the eye appears next to the corresponding layer in the layer panel, and this is how i know which layers to drag to the new document. for example, in the picture i’m moving frames 1-65 to the new document, so i select frame 65, then find that layer and select all the layers below and including that layer and drag them. then repeat the steps to make the frames, etc.
go ahead and delete the empty frames, as well as any frames on the other gifs you may want to delete to trim them up.
so now we should have all of our gifs laid out! my next step is to sharpen them, and i do this using smart objects, and the steps are as follows. (i also made this into an action.)
first, select all the frames and all the layers in the gif. if you deleted some frames but didn’t delete the corresponding layers, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter and doesn’t affect the final product.
next, click on convert to timeline animation. this is in the animation menu where we earlier found convert to frame animation.
then, at the top go to filter and click on convert for smart filters. this creates a smart object and turns all of the frames and layers into just a single layer/object. this allows us to sharpen the whole gif at once instead of having to sharpen each frame one at a time (trust me that takes forever if you don’t have an action or do it this way).
next under filter again, then under sharpen, click on smart sharpen. this brings up a window with a bunch of settings. these are what mine are:
repeat this for every gif. look how much better they look already!
at this point, if you haven’t saved yet, do it now! this is a good time to save and take a break. go to file and then save. the format should be set as photoshop/.psd. i go ahead and rename the files too, for example, dwshades1 and so on. i number them too so i can get the order right when i upload them. with it saved as a psd, you could close out and reopen it later and the layers will all be there.
next is coloring! this is technically optional, but is usually the most fun part of giffing in my opinion, and i tend to find uncolored gifs rather boring and bland. this is where you can do some brightening, color correcting, make gifs black and white, and more! its time to get creative with those adjustments.
as there are so many ways to color things, and whole tutorials dedicated just to coloring, i’m only going to show the basics of where to find the adjustments and some of the different adjustment layers that i use most. my first step always though is to create a group just for the coloring layers. the button to create a group is at the bottom of the layer panel and looks like a folder. the button to the left of that is the one that contains the different adjustments you can make.
the black and white circle contains a list of different adjustments you can make. the two i like to use most are curves and vibrance. curves is really useful to brighten gifs and vibrance obviously adds vibrance. my advice is to just play around with all the settings, and look at coloring tutorials. a lot of gifmakers also have psds that you can download. you can either use them as is to apply to your gifs and credit the maker, or just study what they did and learn from it.
anyway, i went ahead and colored my gifs. here is a before and after look, as well as a list of adjustment layers i added:
in this case the before gif doesn’t look bad, but that isn’t always the case, sometimes they start out super dark and colorless. and i like the tone and colors of the colored gif better (you can see how much i like purples and blues lol). again, all personal preference.
whether you color or not, if you have dialogue in your gifs, the next step is adding it in! if the gif doesn’t have a dialogue or if you don’t want to add text, you can skip this next bit.
first, select the text tool on the left side toolbar, it looks like a T. next i choose my font, font size, and color at the top. here are my settings, the key thing is to make it easy to read.
there are more settings like bold and italics under window and then character. these are my settings.
after these are set, click in roughly the middle of the gif and start typing the text that goes with that gif. i usually start with white for the first person to speak, and then change to yellow for the second person and so on, so that way its clear who is speaking, but that’s up to you. when the text starts to go off the edge of the gif, i hit enter to start the next line until i’m out of text. otherwise photoshop will allow you to type right off the edge of the gif.
a little hard to read, right? that’s why i add stroke, which outlines the text. to do this, make sure the text layer is highlighted, and then click the fx button at the bottom of the layer panel, and then click stroke.
these are the settings i use. usually i only have to change the size from 3 to 1px. hit ok.
so much easier to read! also, double check to make sure that the text layer is above the coloring layers.
next, i want to move the text to where i want. select the move tool on the left, and first move the text layer all the way to the bottom. photoshop has it so that it is kind of magnetized to the edges. i then go back to the character menu and change the baseline shift setting to 5 pt.
however, when you click to a different gif it doesn’t reset back to 0, so manually reset it back to 0 before moving your text layer, then change it to 5 again.
next, to center it on the gif. first select the gif layer, then hold ctrl while you select the text layer. the order is important, if you select the text then the gif, the gif will be moved to center itself around the text. then, with the move tool still selected, click this button on the top tool bar to align horizontal centers.
great! now save your gif again, and repeat all these steps for the text for every gif that you are adding text to. most of the time i type the text on each gif first, and then move the text that way i’m not switching tools a dozen times, but it really doesn’t matter.
your gifs are officially done! time to save them in a format that you can upload to tumblr. go up to file, and click save for web and devices. these are my settings, but you can play around with some of the ones on the upper right side. however, you want to make sure that it is a gif, and that it is set to loop forever. those are circled. hit save, name your gif however you want, and save it somewhere you can find it later. do this for all of your gifs.
the other thing i circled in the document size. tumblr does not allow you to upload images that are above 3mb. if yours is above this, you have a few options to cut down on the size. changing the settings on this window such as going from diffusion to pattern, or reducing the number of colors can change the size, but if you reduce the number of colors, you lose some quality. you can also change your coloring layers around, because making a bright gif with a lot of colors can increase the size. black and white gifs tend to be smaller.
the option i tend to go for if i want to keep the colors and quality, is to reduce the number of frames you have. its a little trickier to do in timeline mode than it is when the frames are all there, but this is how to do it. if your gifs are all under 3mb, you can skip ahead to uploading.
in the timeline animation bar, there are blue rectangularish sliders you can move at the beginning and end, as well as a triangular one that shows where you are within the gif. decide the new place where you want the gif to start and end, and move the rectangle sliders there, like so. one tick over does not equal a frame, so i use the triangle indicator to figure out how many frames over i’m moving.
then in the animation bar menu, click trim document duration to work area. this will set your gif to begin and end where those sliders were. at this point you can try saving again to see if your gif is below 3mb. if so, then save it! if not, continue to move the sliders and trim until your gif is below the limit.
so now all your gifs are saved and ready to be uploaded! upload them like you would any other photo post. i always save as a draft first so i can make sure they upload right and so i can look them over again to be sure they are looping correctly and have no typos. only then do i close out of photoshop. tag with the appropriate edit tags (for example, dwedit for doctor who) or tag popular blogs for maximum exposure, but be aware that only the first 5 tags count and will appear in the tags. post and you are done! congrats!
#popalice007#yeahps#completeresources#chaoticresources#gif tutorial#hey look something original#my resources
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Happy Donghae Day!
2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017
Today marks the seventh annual Donghae Day. That is, it’s been seven years that I’ve been a kpop fan. This year also marked my two-year anniversary at my full time job (for those who don’t know, prior to 2016, I had been working two jobs for almost nine years). Not everything has been good, the state of the world gets worse, we lost three idols from groups I love, as well as author/chef who meant a lot to me personally. But it hasn’t all been bad or sad, it has been like so much of life - full of everything.
My journey into kpop started with this post and has continued forward ever since. The links above are all of my previous Donghae Day posts, including the original reblog. This day has become more than just the simple reminder of my love of kpop. Instead it has become a celebration of the things, and the people, that I love. To me, Donghae Day, like kpop, isn’t just about the music or the idols. It’s about everything that comes with that - it’s about friends, food, love, life, and joy. It’s understanding that kpop is more than just an escape from the shittiness that is the world today. I am forever grateful for that Donghae gifset and for everything that has come after - from the music itself, to the tv shows, to the concerts, to all of the friends of I have made.
Before I get into the really fun stuff - I want to take a moment to talk about those friends. People talk shit about women who like pop music, they judge you for liking cute boys, for writing fanfic, for listening to music, going to concerts, buying plushies/albums/whatever. But none of that matters, not really. What does matter? All these people I’ve become friends with. Over the past year (Donghae Day year as well as 2018) I have made friends with so many new people - some close friends, some not - and it is wonderful. This, to me, is at the heart of what I love about kpop and is deeply important to understand why Donghae Day is so important. Of all the things I love about kpop, it is my friendships that are the single best part. So, to all of my friends (kpop fans and non fans alike), I love you all. Thank you for being amazing people. ❤️❤️
And now … the fun stuff!
So, you say, seven years? And I say: FUCK YEAH, SEVEN YEARS!!!
What has happened since last year’s Donghae Day? A LOT and sort of not much at all. Kpop-related, there were two really big events for me. One of the was that @namjoonrecyclables and I went to Chicago to see VAV! It was a fantastic concert, though we both realized that we’re getting too old (lol) to drive down to Chicago the same day as the show. It’s also the only concert we’ve been to in 2018 and our wallets are grateful. The other thing that happened was that I flew out to Colorado to see @jillwandersen after not having seen her since the concert in 2014. It was also quite a lot of fun.
A lot of smaller things have happened this year. As I said above, I’ve made new friends. I’ve also gotten into a ton of new (and not so new) groups that I am trying to learn. I also bias way too many people (the list is ever-growing). I finally admitted that my favorite groups (aside from Speed) are Seventeen and SHINee. My husband is still there, though he’s left BAP. My boyfriend list has held steady (though this may be changing - read: growing).
I also made this playlist, called Everything’s Gonna Be Okay. It’s 20 tracks long (for now) and about an hour and 12 minutes long. You can find it on YouTube and Spotify. Please, enjoy.
Last year I talked about all the nugu/underrated groups that I love - but I can’t do that this year. Not because there aren’t any, but because there are too many. I was talking to @killerzebras (also known as my sister) the other day about why I love kpop. She told me I didn’t need to justify why I loved it, but it got me thinking about what it is that keeps me loving kpop. I am really good at loving things, but it tends to be fleeting (for many reasons, most of them perfectly reasonable) - but kpop? My love for kpop appears stronger than even my love for pro-cycling, which, for a time, I thought nothing could break (that is another post for another time and probably not on here).
I think there are two huge reasons why I continue to adore kpop. The first is because of the friends I’ve made, as long as I have friends who love kpop, I will keep loving it, too - sharing is something I have slowly learned to love and, within the passed year, have worked on embracing. The second reason is that there is always new content. People often talk about the fact that their fandoms (books, movies, tv shows) only have limited content and often the endings are just that - endings. That works for some people, but not for me. Kpop is different (again, for me), it is, for now, the gift that keeps on giving. I get new groups to love (my heart is forever big enough), new idols to care about, new music to listen to, and the groups I already love give me more music. There is always, always something new to love while still loving what has already been. It’s not all unicorns and candy, sometimes it’s heartbreak, but there’s always something for me to love.
I’m sure that there are quite a few things I’ve forgotten to talk about this year, but this post is already way too long. Therefore I want to talk about two (hilarious) moments in 2018. The first is the release of Infinite’s song, Tell Me, and their comeback in January. Some of you know that for many years I was not a fan of Dongwoo, for various (and dumb) reasons. However, 2018 became the year that I turned into a Dongwoo fan.
I mean, really. How did I resist for so long? Thanks, 2018 Infinite comeback, for changing me.
The second … the second thing is something I am still embarrassed about even while having embraced it. It is something that several of my friends (especially @namjoonrecyclables) have been waiting for literally ever to happen. I have, somehow, after all these years, become a proper fan of EXO. Why, you ask? WELL, THAT’S A GREAT QUESTION. And the answer is as equally as embarrassing - it’s because of a stupid Soompi EXO quiz. You think I’m joking, but I’m not. Google said, hey you like Soompi and kpop quizzes, why don’t you take this What’s Your Relationship With EXO? quiz and I said no, but also why not. I mean, I can’t count and didn’t notice that it was just the current EXO members in the picture (it was early in the morning and I didn’t look too closely and I like quizzes … ) and so I took it and then this happened:
Look, I’m not saying it was a good idea. In fact, it was a terrible idea and I joked about it and then SM released the We Young MV with Chanyeol and Sehun and even while I love that song I joked some more because it was funny, right? Me, stanning someone in EXO just because a Soompi quiz told me to. Except … I kept joking about it and everyone who knows me knows that my biggest kpop weakness is soft rappers and @namjoonrecyclables told me (on purpose, for which I love her) that Chanyeol is a soft rapper and I was like no. But also, wait he is? And then, because I’m me, I took another quiz and it confirmed the first Soompi quiz and then I was like, this is embarrassing as fuck but why not embrace it and now, HERE I AM.
I love Chanyeol. I bias Chanyeol. And I’m an EXO fan. I think I need help because no one knows who I am anymore. But, honestly, that’s fine. So, I guess, thanks for that Soompi.
This year’s Donghae Day is on a Friday, which means it is a full-ass day packed with stuff. @namjoonrecyclables and I have both taken the day off from work (yay!). We’re watching kpop mvs and a kdrama. We’re going out to lunch and doing more of the same. Then my friend H and I are going out for dinner and to see a movie. Why? Because we can. Because it’s Donghae Day.
Seven years is a long time. It’s the seven-year curse year not for me (I hope!), but for groups that debuted the year I got into kpop. Of the ones that debuted in 2011, these are the ones I love: B1A4, Boyfriend, and Myname. Myname debuted a few weeks after I got into kpop, it’s so wild. We’re all still around, hopefully for longer than seven years.
Donghae Day is about all of this. It’s about having fun, it’s about loving the things you love so much that sometimes it hurts. It’s about doing what you love and being with people you love, and it’s about living.
I say this every year, but I don’t know where I’ll be in a year. Will I even still be a kpop fan? The trend so far seems to be yes, of course! But you can never rule anything out. Which is why I love to pour my heart into being a kpop fan. Nothing lasts for ever, but I’m going to love kpop for along as I can with as much of my heart as I can.
I want to thank you all for accompanying me on this journey - whether you’re a kpop fan or just someone in my life who tolerates my love. Thank you all and here’s to many, many more Donghae Days if that’s what the future holds for all of us.
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Internet Friend!Seungcheol
requested by anon: who wanted an internet friend Seungcheol in which you didn’t know he was a part of Seventeen
Seungcheol was curious
he was curious over this whole rave about Tumblr
he knew his fans were so into the site, but he couldn’t find anything amusing about it
so he decided to give it ago
Creating a whole new tumblr account dedicated to himself
His username @ xcoups
‘Get it, because it sounds like s.coups’
‘Please stop’
he chose pictures he felt were his best and placed it as his profile picture and header
the members broke in laughter seeing the leader be so interested in the new technology, they even tried to help make a short bio which only ended with them teasing him
after two hours of hard decisions over pictures and a short bio,
It was time for him to start working the actual site
it took him fifteen minutes to figure out the reblog button, ten minutes to find his likes page, another ten minutes to write a post accidentally and then trying to delete it
he finally mastered the art of tumblr after about an hour and a half
and he was addicted
he mostly reblogged things, pictures of himself, some of the members, and some random things he found along the way
Seungcheol was mesmerized by the tags, he followed his own tag, and seventeen’s, he scrolled late at night often staying glued to his phone
Overall he was impressed, his fans created intricate gifsets and pictures that honestly he thought made him look better
he even showed off to the members all of the tumblr users dedicated to him
in just a few days, he followed more than fifty people so his dash could be filled with random things
Seungcheol knew your tumblr by heart, he hadn’t realized he did until he kept getting notifs from you reblogging stuff that he had
He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t stalk your blog
You were a Seungcheol blog, he found your tumblr cute, your header was a gif of him and your profile picture, well it was also him
He scrolled through your post, most of it was reblogs but once in awhile he’d come across a post you’d make, some of it describing the little things you loved about seungcheol, and others were of just random parts of your day
and sometime he’d unconsciously reblog them which he would then kill himself over because now he thinks he’s a creep
you on the other hand, smile when you receive the notification, it felt nice to have someone like and reblog your random personal post, it made you feel like someone was listening
and with small interactions, here and there, the title of mutuals falls between you two
it all started when you weren’t having a particularly nice day so you took to tumblr, writing that all you needed was to be tagged in a few seungcheol post
and you weren’t expecting much from your just over thirty followers who probably don’t even see your post
but it wasn’t ten minutes later that your phone buzzed
a little tumblr notification popping up from none other than xcoups himself
Your heart filled with joy seeing a cute gifset of Seungcheol in which he smiled and waved
you reblogged the post, thanking xcoups with your whole heart and a smile on your face
and now, you two constantly reblog post tagging each other
until tagging turned into sending each other things privately
and then conversations of anything besides himself of course
Seungcheol was smitten
He was glued to his phone even more now because he awaited your messages
he didn’t care if it was of you screaming over a cute pic you saw of him, or just you saying you were lying in bed snuggled in your blanket
and when he wasn’t waiting by the phone, he was thinking, he was thinking of what to message you
should he message you about how one of his friends (Mingyu) who tripped over air, or should he message you that he saw something cute that reminded him of you
he got jealous sometimes
Because you talked about other members being cute, often joking how you might leave Seungcheol for them
and he would pout at the phone
‘Seuncheol’s going to be really mad if you drop him’
‘oh but Jihoon looks so cute’
‘ S T O P’
You’d laugh at your friend’s reaction to keep you loyal to seuncheol
to be honest, you assumed you were talking to a girl, never in your life would you think you were talking to a boy, let alone Choi Seungcheol himself
It’s been a year now
You two have talked non stop almost every day for a year now
You’ve always wanted to meet your friend but Seungcheol on the other hand, nervously didn’t want too
he felt that when you met him, you’d feel lied too, because you’ve poured your heart out to him multiple times, and it’d feel as though he broke your personal space
so when you said that you were so excited to be attending a fanmeet, he was panicking
Because he was finally meeting you, face to face, up close, he was going to actually see you
he knew what you looked like, you sent him selfies unexpectedly sometimes and he’d grin ear to ear because to him, you were the most beautiful person
he knew it was finally time, to tell you the truth, to let everything out on the table
he was waiting for you on the stage, sitting in his chair, he was looking everywhere, his hands were antsy as they messily wrote other people’s names, his legs bouncing rapidly as he tried to remain calm in front of everyone else
and he was so focused on trying to remain calm, he didn’t notice you standing next in line
so when he saw you, when he looked into your eyes, he froze
this was the moment, this is what he waited for for a year now
‘Hi! I’m such a huge fan’
and he got scared, he smiled brightly just like he did to the others, continued a nice conversation where he gave fanservice and you moved along with his eyes slowly glued onto you who moved over to Wonwoo
you got off the stage buzzing, you went back into the crowd of fans, you were so excited to show xcoups your signed Seungcheol page, you flipped to the page quickly to sneak a quick picture when you noticed it
it was not signed ‘S.coups’ like you’ve seen other people’s page have, no it was signed @xcoups
and you were in disbelief, it must have been a mistake, so you looked up, looking at Seungcheol who was already staring at you
you felt deceived
Seungcheol watched as you scowl, the fansign just finished at the moment when he saw you packing up, trying to get out of the crowd
he excused himself to the bathroom, running backstage, he was at the entrance, waiting as your figure walked towards him
‘y/n’
‘No!’
‘What was i supposed to do, tell you I was the leader of Seventeen from the beginning?’
you remained silent, you knew he was right, he couldn’t have just outright told you
Seungcheol pulled you into a private room
‘Okay what i did was wrong. You practically confessed your love for me to me without knowing it and I’m sorry. But i like you, a lot, and texting you everyday was the highlight of waking up’
‘Flatter isn’t working right now’
‘Can we start over. We can be friends, i promise i’ll just forget everything you said’
You look at him skeptical ‘i guess’
‘Okay. Hi, i’m Choi Seungcheol’ he grins with a hand out
You shake it with a smile yourself, ‘I’m y/n, hey aren’t you a member of Seventeen? My bias is Jihoon’
‘HEY!’
Your heart swooned even more now than when you hadn’t met him officially. Watching him up on stage, messing around with his members, eyes secretly looking at you. The feeling was weird, because you knew him for a year, and yet now, knowing his true identity, it felt as though time reverted to when you met this awkward tumblr user xcoups.
#HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEUNGCHEOL#seungcheol#svt#seventeen#scoups#svt scenarios#seventeen scenarios#scoups scenarios#seungcheol scenarios
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5 years of Supernatural - How it changed my life
I was reading the Family Don’t End With Blood book, and I remembered that this week will be 5 years since I started watching SPN. Yes, I remember the day, it was July 15th, 2012.
I thought that to celebrate this mark, I’d write my own story about how Supernatural has changed my life, inspired by the book. It probably will be long so I understand if you skip it lol.
I was looking for a new show to watch, I was currently following a handful of shows but I wanted something else. I knew about Supernatural because I was already on Tumblr even though I had only a personal blog where I reblogged random stuff and had like 100 followers or less. I saw gifsets from the show here and there, and I remember thinking “this show must be cool. It looks like these brotjhers have a nice bond”. Also, I have been a fan of Jared Padalecki ever since 2004 and I saw him in New York Minute, so it was another reason to try it. To sum it up, I watched 7 seasons (the show had only 7 seasons back then) in one month, and by the end of it I was addicted.
Lemme just say something before I continue. I am that kind of person who becomes obsessed with something only to not give a single shit about it one month later. So I thought that what was gonna happen with SPN as well, I’d fall in love with it but it was gonna go away soon like everything that came before. But that wasn’t what happened.
I got more and more in love with the show and those boys, tjhe story of those brothers. And if I already adored Jared, I started loving him even more, at the same time I got to know who was that gorgeous Jensen Ackles. I learned how special the relationship between them in real life was as well. My tumblr slowly became almost 100% Supernatural, and then one day I saw a blog made to spread the word that Jensen hated Jared. I got so fucking mad reading that, it was the turning point for me. That same day I created a new Tumblr, and the url was j2loveeachother. I wanted to show how the boys actually loved each other very much. I was into the show for about 4 months by then, and I already knew. And little did I know how the decision of making this Tumblr would change so much in my life.
When I entered this place, this fandom, with this blog I felt instantly at home, like I belonged here. I have a lot of internet friends, I made some good friends back in 2008 because we were all fans of an American Idol winner, and we’re still friends to this day, almost 10 years later. So I enjoy meeting people online even though it sucks that most of the times we’re far away.
In the beginning of 2013, a couple of months after making the blog, I was put in the same list as another SPN blog by one of my mutuals, as people who loved Sam. I followed that blog and me and the girl started messaging each other here on Tumblr. That was Karri. in about 10 days we “got married” on tumblr and became “wifeys”, which we still are today. We became close friends, the kind who talk almost everyday about things that go beyond the fandom. Other people were added to the equation and god I met so many amazing people. Some of them are long gone and that makes me sad not knowing what happened to them since they left their blogs behind. But new ones arrived and that’s the beauty of it. How many amazing people I met here, but it was sad that everyone was waaay too distant, specially since I live in Brazil and most people are in the US (Karri in California). I remember thinking, will we ever meet someday?
There was also the matter of going to a convention. I remember vividly one day, after Vegascon 2013, one of my mutuals posted a beautiful J2 op she took with them. I was starting to get familiar with conventions, and I remember looking at that pic and thinking “that is so fucking amazing, but I’ll never ever have that.” The cons were in the US and I am thousands of kilometers away, so no there was no way. And that made me so sad, because I really wanted to go, I wanted to be able to have that experience. I wanted to tell Jared how much I love him, how much he means to me, I wanted to be able to meet him face to face and also Jensen, it was so unfair that I wasn’t able to go if I loved the show and them so fucking much.
In october of 2013, I had a dream. It was like one day after Chicon, a lot of tumblr girls had gone there, and I dreamed that Karri and I were there, and it was pretty amazing. I woke up feeling sad because it wasn’t real, and that night I told Karri this on Skype. I don’t know exactly how it started, but eventually we were like “what if we went to Chicon 2014?” I was gonna start working a couple months after that, I would have some money to go. She hasn’t been to any cons by then as well, so it would be the first time to both of us. We got excited with the prospect, we had one year to make that happen, to be at Chicon in october of 2014. She wanted to put a counter on our blogs right away but I didn’t want to jinx it, we literally had nothing. She did it anyway. I remember going to bed like “that’s almost impossible, I don’t think we’ll be able to pull it off.”
On October 22th of 2014, almost one year after that conversation, I boarded on a plane from São Paulo to Chicago for my first SPN convention. Remember how I wondered if I was ever gonna meet Karri?
remember how I thought, about one and a half year earlier, how I’d never have gorgeous J2 op like that one ever, and how unfair it was?
going to Chicon 2014 was so incredibly important to me for many reasons. I did something I thought I wasn’t gonna be able to, I set up a plan and step by step, I conquered it. I finally attended a SPN convention, which was even more amazing than I imagined. I told Jared in person how much I love him, I got to hug these two man and take this amazing picture, I couldn’t hold back my tears when I found my op among all the others and saw how perfect it was. I finally met Karri in person, which I thought was too hard and we had an amazing time together. I visited Chicago, which was one of my 3 dream cities.
Leaving Illinois was hard. When Karri and I were on the train from Chicago to Rosemont on our last day, to catch our flights on a few hours, I lay my head on her shoulder and cried looking outside the window. I didn’t even know when I’d see her again and I was so incredibly sad it was all coming to an end. I arrived back home exactly one year after the conversation Karri and I had. I remember taking the lanyard out of my suitcase and crying so much. We had done it, and it was too incredible to even put into words.
I thought that was going to be my only con. But later that year I knew that wouldn’t be possible. On New Year of 2015, I told Karri I wanted to attend a con in 2016, and she needed to come with me. We debated a lot where we should go, and I was convinced to go to a city I never imagined visiting, by two friends who I also wanted to meet. So in August of 2016, I boarded another plane to Minneapolis, to attend Minncon 2016. and if at Chicon Karri and I were pretty much by ourselves, at Minncon I met so many other amazing people. People who live across the world and who I would never have met if it wasn’t for this show.
My dream op came true and Jared gave me a piggyback ride:
And I also got to witness firsthand how incredibly human and caring this man is. It was the first time I saw Jared after AKF and all that happened to him in 2015, and this time I went to get his autograph crying bc I was too overwhelmed by all of this, by him, and also because I didnt know if I’d ever see him again. He entwined his fingers with mine and squeezed my hand, winking at me. My heart melted.
I had a fucking amazing time in Minneapolis. Not only because of the con, also for the people I was there with. On our last night, after the con was over, me and the girls went to the pub right next to our hotel to eat and talk, there was so much laughter and happiness. I knew how much I would miss that while I was still there.
To me, Minncon would be my last con. But a few days after the con, I was still in the US, in NYC in vacation, and Karri began convincing me to go to New Orleans in 2017 for another con, since Heather and some other girls were going to. And how could I say no? How can I stay behind and watch my fav people have fun at a con without me? So in a little more than 3 months, on Oct. 23rd, I’m getting on a plane to New Orleans, to experience all of this again for the third time.
Before I went to Chicon, i was afraid to tell people why I was going to Chicago, I was afraid they’d say it was stupid, a waste of money. But I got so much support it surprised me. Even my boss encouraged me to go when I asked for some days off, I never hid from her where I was going. She started watching SPN this year because of me and now she wants to go too. I know some people may think it’s unecessary to spend all this money to go to conventions for a tv show, specially 3 times when I could have gone to just one, but I don’t care. It’s what makes me happy, I get to spend an amazing time with amazing people this show brought me. And I can’t wait to spend even more amazing moments this year. Because of Supernatural, I got to meet people I would never meet otherwise, and I got to visit places I probably wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the show. Supernatural gave me so much, it literally changed the course of my life.
I also discovered a new talent, I found out I can write stories, after reading so many J2 fanfics I tried to write my own fics, supported by my awesome friends, and now I can write a story that has over 100k words. Not only that, I can write all of that in english. I’m a native portuguese speaker. Supernatural has improved my english skills as well.
I don’t have a sad story to tell, Supernatural didn’t save my life or ended my depression. Thankfully I don’t have those problems. But Supernatural changed my life. Literally. It changed many events that happened after |I started watching it. It introduced me to a whole new world. I have friends on different parts of the world because of it, and now I know it’s not impossible to meet them. Saying goodbye to them is so hard, I have cried my eyes out at airports twice, but as I was hugging Karri goodbye in Minneapolis, we realized it wasn’t the last time we’d see each other. It might take some time, but we can do it. The world is big but with effort, we can get anywhere. So many good memories from the past 5 years happened because of Supernatural, and today I can’t imagine how my life was before that. I made friends, I visited new places, I met my favorite actor in the whole world. All because I decided to watch this show I kept seeing on Tumblr. Even long after the show ends and we’re no longer here, the impact it had on me will remain. I know these friendships will stay, as well as the amazing memories I’ll carry throughout my life. I hope I can tell my kids someday if I have them, how much this simple tv show changed me. And I’m gonna encourage them to go after what they love, like my mom did to me when I first told her, afraid as fuck, that I wanted to go to Chicago (a ten hour flight) *just* for a supernatural convention. And she was like “go for it”. Little did I know a small decision on July 15th of 2012 would have such a huge impact in my life.
Thank you Supernatural for the road so far. And for the road yet to come.
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Respect Fanartists & Fanfiction Writers
Listen, and do so carefully... because this will be said once.
Fanartists & Fanfiction Writers put a LOT of time, effort, emotion and skill into making things that you enjoy for free, friends.
Sure, it takes you a minute to stare at artwork that someone spent weeks on; or 15 minutes tops to skim through a fic that may have taken days... so you just see it as something to be consumed, and in a lot of frustrating cases, your RIGHT to have provided.
For one, providing feedback in the form of comments or reviews/asks is always appreciated. That’s awesome and we love it!
Sending ask after ask or Private Message after Private Message demanding they make you something specific... NOT okay.
OR, worse, falsely befriending them in order to get them to make you free art/fiction, is alternatively what the creative side of the fandoms calls ‘a dick move’.
See, here’s the thing... if you are friends with someone, you are there for them.
If you friend them with the ulterior motive of getting them to draw you a specific picture, or comic, or write you a highly-detailed fanfiction... then you are being a manipulative drain on their life.
Like, listen... even if someone reblogs a ‘Writing/Art Prompt’ post, you cannot sincerely anticipate they will answer every single request they get. There might be duplicates, the person receiving them may not like one received, they may lose energy or focus, or just be busy with the real world.
To harass, to send additional follow-up asks bothering people? Not okay.
It used to happen more frequently in the past, but it’s rising up again.
Consistent harassment of the creative sides of fandom (encompasses gifmakers, SFM makers, all the types, etc.) just drains the creative batteries worse than a lack of comments/reviews on new art/fiction does.
It puts them under pressure to fulfil your demand, which is not okay.
Hell, assholes in certain fandoms used to do CALLOUT posts on artists and writers who didn’t fulfil the requests they demanded. It was ridiculous?
Let’s not go back there.
-
So here’s the thing.
>You like their artstyle? Yes.
<You would like them to draw you something? Oh yes!
>Are they doing commissions, or would they be willing to do one? They are open to commissions/Oh, I will politely ask.
<They are open to commissions and you can afford what you want?
a)Yes (Proceed)
b) No. You can save up to commission them later. YOU WILL NOT HARASS THE ARTIST FOR FREE ART (that includes trying manipulative tactics such as making up sob stories, falsely befriending them, and/or claiming you don’t trust internet banking options*).
[*If you distrust paypal, or certain sites, you can actually buy preloaded/disposable credit cards (which are basically gift cards), that you can put the required amount on and use to pay. There are alternatives, just ask.]
>>>You can afford it, and what you are asking fits what the artist has said they are comfortable drawing for you? Yes.
~Ask them if they are happy to take this commission and provide the details necessary.
~Accept that it will take time, and effort, don’t hover trying to get them to finish it faster.
~Do not try to change the deal mid-way through the commission.
E.g. if you paid for greyscale, don’t demand colour, or one character but now you want too for the same price, or withhold payment until you get your way. That is a major dick move, and your name will circle through the artistic sphere as ‘difficult’ and ‘untrustworthy’.
There have been a few notable people out there that have tried to get free art this way, and thought artist-hopping would make sure no one found out. But, buddy, if you know one artist, they know ten more, and it branches out from there... who do you think has the most feedback for creators, but other artists and writers? They will all find out, eventually.
>Not being able to afford it, it not a good excuse to hound the artist to change their prices. Listen, if you’re at the store and can’t afford the new action figure you want... you can’t haggle with the poor storeclerk at the counter (but numerous people have tried that? Is that where you have learned this from?) for a ‘better price’.
You might counter, ‘but the clerk can’t set the price and an artist can’. Listen, lissen here fucko mccoconuts, the artists on tumblr charge an obscenely low pittance for the amazing art they do... like, barely anything.
A coloured sketch? Some artists will do it for five bucks because they’re too goddamn afraid you whiny little bastards won’t agree to anything more; they are downselling their hard-earned artistic abilities.
And fanfiction authors? They have to do it for free because NO ONE pays for writing. Ask, and they will tell you almost all fanfiction commissions fall through, for one reason or another... but mostly the idea is considered absurd.
If you cannot afford it now, then either save, or maybe ask if the artist is open to a payment plan. E.g. If you requested a five-page comic at $60 coloured, by the way an obscenely low price compared to real-world prices, you could ask to pay it in two lots, or something of that nature. It depends on each artist as to whether they are amenable to it. Never assume.
>Not being able to afford it does not mean, ‘befriend the person and try to feed them your headcanons in the hopes of free art’ (nor the old, ‘so my birthday’s coming up... do you think you could make me _____?’).
If that’s the whole reason you have ‘befriended’ them (manipulated them into thinking you are genuinely offering altruistic friendship) then you’re an absolute cactus, mate. A conglomeration of pricks, that is to say.
You don’t make friends to get things. And if you do, perhaps you need to re-evaluate your priorities, you drongo bastards, people are human beings not vending machines.
Sometimes, if an artist or writer gets inspired by the stupid headcanons you share at 3am your time and like 9am their time... accidental art or fanfiction happens. It’s spontaneous, fun, a gift based on mutual feedback and conversation. But to anticipate being rewarded simply for your friendship, is wrong.
ESPECIALLY, and I cannot stress this enough, especially if you try to feed the artist a headcanon... then ceaselessly pester them as to why they haven’t made the fiction/fanart of it yet? Everyday? What the fuck is your problem?
-
>Why is it so expensive?
It isn’t. It really fucking isn’t. I’ve covered this.
Also, everyone is so damn quick to say “But art is haaaaaard” when told to draw something themselves, because an artist doesn’t want to, but just as fast to question why that artist (who has learned that skill and ceaselessly practised until they have their own artstyle that you like enough to think about commissioning) is charging you MONEY for something you WANT (not NEED).
You will not actually die if you don’t get a pic of your OTP fucking in a jacuzzi, suzy. So just calm ya tiddies and carry on.
>Why won’t you draw my headcanon?
Did you commission the artist? No? Then fuck off. They have their own life and ideas... and if you harass them, others who are less polite are going to have something to say about it. Especially the adults who pressure young artists to make them shit all the time... you will be found and shamed you bastards.
>Why won’t you write my detailed headcanon?
Same as above. But also, aren’t you the person who keeps saying ‘but writing is easy’? How about you write it yourself. One of the many things you will be told to do to yourself if you don’t stop pestering writers.
That goes for bothering writers/artists here, on AO3, ff.net, DeviantArt or any random site they’re affiliated with.
- - - -
The biggest question is what makes you feel so ENTITLED to their work?
And that’s really what it is.
“I want it. Make it for me.”
Oh sure, you can cover it in pretty words, “But we’re friends”, “But I can’t afford it”, “But I’m feeling so down recently, maybe this elaborate 15k OTP headcanon I want you to write will make things better, don’t skimp on the smut! XD”
...it all amounts to, “Hey, you should reward me for liking your art/writing. If I do not get it immediately, without cost, I will pester you either brazenly, or subtly... I may even pretend to be a genuine friend, to get what I want. You owe it to me.”
And, really, from the bottom of the creative community’s hearts, I’d love to just remind each and every person who feels this way... that you are not a good person, at heart, and can fuck right off out past alpha centauri where such disrespect might be considered flattering... because it sure as hell isn’t on earth.
-
Fanartists, Fanfiction writers, put up with this all the time.
It’s the sixteen asks they don’t publish, all demanding things.
It’s the excitement cut short when they thought they had a new fic review, but it’s actually just someone trying to get them to write them something.
It’s the person in your chat always giving headcanons, many you don’t agree with, and then checking in to see if you’ve drawn/written them. Relentlessly.
It’s the Private Messages, dozens of them, requesting you do something specific for someone, something that will require time and effort on your part but not theirs. And the angry messages that follow if you turn down their demands.
It’s the angry ‘callout’ posts from people who you’ve said No to. The people who were told, “I’m not taking requests, but if you would just see my commission post for details...” and were abhorred at the idea of PAYING for ART they WANT????
And more. There is always more, worse, unending, frustrating.
This goddamn barrage hits some more than others. Some acquiesce for the sake of peace, but it will not end if they do; because once someone gets free art, or fiction, they’ll demand again and again and again...
- - -
And as you can imagine, like a ceaseless cascade of waterfall over a cliff-face, eventually it erodes the joy, the fun, the creativity of your art or writing, or any of the other artistic abilities (e.g. gifsets, photomanips, videos, animations, etc.)
But the reality is, these groups (plus the whole gamete of other creative types out there) are putting time, effort and skill into making something; whether it’s free or a commission, and you need to respect that.
-
So please, be kind to the people who are putting their abilities out there, often entirely free, for the sake of enjoying something they love with the rest of the fandom. Respect them, don’t demand, and remember that a comment on what you enjoyed about their work can mean the world of encouragement.
Thank you.
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Sojourner Anon Submission
I’m in a similar situation to the Confused Anon - I’ve known about Benedict Cumberbatch since 2007 (Atonement), and had seen him in a bunch of stuff over the years prior to Sherlock, but wasn’t impressed enough with his acting to take an interest in him until Doctor Strange and TLD (it helped that he was smoking hot in both of these - scruff really does wonders for his face).
Naturally my first course of action was to go on a bender through Tumblr for a couple of months, which is how I wound up on skeptic blogs. I’d seen pictures of Benedict with his wife in the past (mostly from the 2015 awards season) and I was aware that there existed a faction of fans that didn’t like her - mostly because of something that had happened to a friend of mine about two years ago.
I don’t wanna go into too many details, since I don’t want to expose her to more hate, so I’ll keep it simple: she’s a huge Benedict fan, not a UK resident but got to stay there for a while back in 2015, during which time she saw Sophie and the baby at some kind of event she (my friend, that is) attended - something that got her torn apart by the skeptics. Now, I’ve known this woman for ages. I’ll grant you that she’s a nanny, but most of her friends are, at best, very casual fans. She’s not a BNF, nor an attention-seeker or a consummate liar, so I find it truly hard to believe she’d make up something like that. There was literally nothing for her to be gained by saying she’d seen Benedict’s wife and baby (I doubt she’s on his PR’s payroll, considering she’s not someone followed by a ton of fans or anything remotely close).
I’ve seen the uncensored pap pics where you can see the face of the child being carried. His resemblance to Benedict is almost uncanny, which is saying something because Benedict doesn’t exactly have a very common face. If they really did hire someone, they did one hell of a job finding a kid who looked like the biological son of both parents.
Furthermore, I agree with what Confused Anon had to say. It’s one thing to get your friends and family to cover for you, but this is a man who’s constantly surrounded by virtual strangers that don’t owe him shit. There’s nothing stopping them from going to the press, and yet not even CDAN will publish a blind contending Benedict’s children are a lie (when it had no problems publishing such things about other celebs).
And what happens down the line, if he did create a fake family? They’re too young right now, but in a few years Benedict’s gonna be expected to discuss funny anecdotes about his children on talk shows - like that cute gifset you recently shared, with all the Marvel actors saying how their kids were embarrassed by them. You can bet your ass someone’s gonna ask Benedict what his sons think about him being Doctor Strange, and people will wonder why he’s not bringing them on set like other Marvel actors… and later, he’ll have to start regularly showing up in public with them, or gossip rags are gonna wonder aloud how come he never brings his children to any public events, like others do with theirs.
I don’t pretend to know what spurred this relationship, although I do have a theory that he panicked as he was nearing 40 with no kids and just jumped at the first opportunity to be a father, maybe hoping he’d learn to love Sophie along the way. Sadly, I’ve met couples like that IRL… but I digress. Whatever the real reason, it can’t have involved a fake pregnancy, or he would’ve said “not mine” a long time ago and jumped ship. At this point, that kind of admission would destroy his public image and career for a very long time, possibly even for good, so unless Benedict is EXTREMELY stupid - and he doesn’t come off that way to me - there’d have to be at least one child.
And yes, I’ve seen the photo collages of her pregnancy. I too have been pregnant and given birth, but unlike the rest of your mom anons, I don’t think that makes me an authority on either pregnancies or babies. No self-respecting medical professional would opine on a stranger’s pregnancy by just looking at photos, and neither should laymen who only have anecdotal evidence at their disposal. In other words, sorry, but drawing outlines on pictures isn’t how gynecologists determine pregnancy.
I’ve seen how you react to people who disagree with you, so I just wanted to say upfront that I’m not really expecting a serious answer beyond a sarcastic gif or sending me to those archives that don’t actually answer anything. My infatuation with Benedict has already begun to subside (I mean, it’s been almost six months, there’s only so long I can fangirl). I had five minutes to burn on my daily commute and that Confused Anon was something of a catalyst, so I dropped you a line. Have a great day, Anna, I hope both you and Benedict find happiness in your lives.
(Please accept my apologies if this comes out too long, incoherent or misspelled; English isn’t my first or even second language).
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Hi Sojourner Anon!
First off, since you’ve seen how I react to people who disagree with me, you probably already know enough to expect a serious answer from me when you’re being as cordial as you have been. I reserve sarcasm and snark for the obviously baity Anons who’re just looking for trouble.
Anyway, as your submission has indeed come out a bit long, I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible and simply address the points you’re making in the order that you made them:
Regarding your friend and her being torn apart by Skeptics, I don’t expect you to be aware of this since you’ve only just recently discovered the Skeptical community for yourself, but we have a long standing rule about sightings. They have to make sense (to at least be taken seriously) and they have to come with photographic evidence attached (to be believed and included in confirmed sightings). As I don’t know what your friend saw and where, it is impossible for me to argue whether what she saw was legitimate or not. The one sighting of Weirdo and Pilo at an event I can remember, is the one where Weirdo supposedly took (a very young) Pilo (at the time) to an Ian Mc Kellen reading, and that’s simply because there was a lot of back and forth about it being legit. Skeptics who are much more social media savvy than I am and have far higher powers of Google Fu than I do were able to find multiple pictures from the inside of the venue and ... guess what: No matter how many brunette women the Nans pointed to as being Weirdo, it turned out she wasn’t in the audience. If this is not the sighting you’re alluding to, I would be more than happy to discuss this with you privately in case you’re inclined to provide me with more details.
On the matter of your friend being torn apart by Skeptics, let me also add that I personally have never ventured outside of Tumblr for any reason whatsoever and have made it a point to try to deter my fellow Skeptics from doing so as well. For the record, all real Skeptics know how to stay in our lane. The ones who don’t are not considered real Skeptics (and yes, there are a number of trolls who have infiltrated the community since the beginning of this showmance and are posing as Skeptics just to make us look bad).
I’ve seen the unblurred pics of Rent-A-Pilo’s face too. At first I had the same reaction as you did. I thought Rent-A-Pilo looked remarkably similar to Ben and went on record saying so (on a post which I haven’t deleted, because I don’t delete posts). Here is the LINK. Notice how even immediately after seeing Rent-A-Pilo’s face for the first time and posting under shock I still didn’t believe Weirdo had gestated a real human baby? I still don’t.
Seeing how the pillows are only ever mentioned / trotted out when Daddy needs to sell a new project or Mommy throws a tantrum to get a new pap walk, I don’t believe they’re surrogate children either. I just think they’re imaginary. It goes hand in hand with the fact that Ben knows next to nothing about babies. 2 hour skyping sessions with a 5 month old, filthy props from a movie set being used as teethers by a 10 month old and babies eating sliced apples are only some of the things Ben doesn’t seem to understand are not the norm for children of Pilo’s age. I won’t even mention the lack of bathtime.
I don’t think Ben is extremely stupid. I think Ben is extremely desperate not to come off as a man who faked a relationship / engagement / wedding / pregnancy / fatherhood for an Oscar he didn’t even come close to winning because he simply chose an unstable famewhore to play the part of his red carpet girlfriend.
I have to say I’m disappointed you don’t see fit to counter any of the arguments we pose via the bump comparisons you mentioned seeing as you’ve obviously studied them. I have been posting / reblogging / arguing using these bump comparisons as evidence that Weirdo faked the first pregnancy for the better part of the past two years and not a single Anon has ever offered a convincing counter-argument regarding how ridiculous Weirdo looked with a bump that kept inflating / deflating / changing shapes / inflating again / folding over / disappearing altogether / inflating again / staying the same size during the last trimester of that weird pregnancy. I would really like to hear your thoughts on that if you feel inclined to have a mature back and forth about it. Be forewarned: arguments such as “I can’t accept anyone would be crazy enough to fake a pregnancy like that while being papped left and right” and anecdotal evidence such as “my sister’s friend’s mother’s cousin’s (twice removed) never developed breasts / never got swollen ankles / belly kept deflating / bellybutton kept popping out and in and out again, etc” won’t be taken seriously. For obvious reasons.
I hope the above answers some of your questions about my take on this showmance and I apologise for getting a bit snarky regarding the pregnancy that never was on my last paragraph, but faking that pregnancy is a very sensitive subject for me personally.
I have a couple of very close friends who have been trying to conceive and I know how taxing it’s been on them. Let’s just say a famewhore faking a pregnancy just to establish herself in the public eye rubs me the wrong way.
It’s why I keep coming back to the first pregnancy (which we got to document through numerous pap walks unlike the second one), it’s why I’ll keep calling Weirdo ... weirdo and it’s why I intend on remaining an active Skeptic for the foreseeable future.
Apologies to everyone reading this blog as I think my answer to Sojourner Anon may actually be longer than her submission was. What can I say? I’m a rambler...
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