#i will never be unloved by any of them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

punchliiine · 2 months

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ever get so hurt you start telling yourself my cc/s would never? and it's always true.

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frecklystars · 5 months

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i dont know what's wrong with me but i always feel so sad and heartbroken when i see Colt.

like i feel so overwhelmed with love for him but i really cannot imagine him loving me back. like. like. he's everything. and i'm just keri. y'know.

augh. it feels... impossible. like i am not Good Enough for him. he would not look twice at me. i didn't used to have this problem until i was abused for so long and now it's like... i cannot imagine receiving love unless if it is through violence. oogh. hurts my heart like a motherfucker. i miss the old me.

#before this year happened i was always SO 100% ready to self ship #i would look at ANYONE. any any ANY character in the WORLD #and i'd be like. oh they'd love me!!! no doubts in my mind whatsoever. they LOVE me!!!! even the worst villains ever!!!#BUT nowadays im constantly like. ok i am not good enough. i am not pretty enough #i am not [insert word here] enough no matter what i'd do to change my appearance or personality to fit someone's desires #i *never* used to look down on myself THIS often and to THIS degree #now i genuinely believe that i cannot be loved unless it is through violence #or that im only desirable if im in a vulnerable position where im in pain or hurting bc i was told it made me 'cute'#and like?? it's stupid? they're fictional? why can't i just... stop thinking that lowly of myself?#my abuser is gone so why am i still believing all of the things they said to me??#i want Colt to love me for Me. i want Ken to love me for Me #but i also feel like. im unlovable to them unless if im useful or... bleeding or beaten up or something. christ #TF f/os are gone. out the window. i lost them. and im so scared of losing my Ryan F/Os too when i need them so badly #idk how to be myself bro i dont know where the old me is!!!#im being stupid im sorry i just gotta throw this into the void 😭#vent #delete later #abuse mention

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bumblingbabooshka · 2 years

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I will walk down to the end with you / If you will come all the way down with me.

#B'Elanna Torres #B'Elanna art #B'Elanna #-thinks so hard about B'Elanna's self image issues and about how Tom Paris could be baked into an apple pie he oozes so much All American #Charm and about how B'Elanna was literally ready to break up with Tom because she felt he wasn't committed to her emotionally #and didn't prioritize her needs/wants and when she tried to bring it up he didn't address any of that and instead just asked her to marry #him and she said yes bc it's what she wanted wasn't it? But also thinks about how getting married solves literally 0 of their problems bc #that wasn't the issue - and how they never REALLY talked about the issue she had and the proposal seemed more like a desperate attempt to #hold onto her and B'Elanna's acceptance was her tightening her grip as well and thinks about how the solution to Tom not prioritizing #B'Elanna was framed as B'Elanna trying to do what Tom wanted and about how B'Elanna blames her mother entirely for her father abandoning #them - how she blames SPECIFICALLY the fact that her mother was too Klingon and about how Tom blames the fact that he never showed how much #he cares about/is committed to B'Elanna on the fact that she has 'that tough Klingon exterior' and how her response is #'do I look that tough right now?' and about how B'Elanna associates Klingon features so strongly with negativity - unloveability - rejection #that she tries to erase her features from her daughter's face and make her Human which to her means Good and Beautiful and Loveable and #about how she STILL after all this time only wants her father to love her again. Thinks about fear of abandonment which makes you hold onto #something which doesn't work bc you can't bear to be alone or fail. If she said no to Tom's proposal who else would she have? And #doesn't it feel like a prize? Like you finally WON. The Human Prince wants to marry you - you're FINALLY good enough for someone to sign #a contract saying they'll never leave you. Even if they don't pay attention to you - even if they abandon you to pursue their own interests #every time something shinier comes up they'll never LEAVE and that's what you're the most afraid of. Thinks about the fear of being too much #and too klingon and about how B'Elanna told Tom it was okay he forgot their romantic getaway even though she took so much time to plan it #and was so excited for it because she didn't want to spoil his fun (is being with her work?) and about how she still remembers that little #human boy who pointed at her forehead ridges and called her 'turtlehead' until she beat him so viciously they had to pull her off him #Thinks about all of those things VERY hard and EXPLODES-#bea art tag #st voyager #st voyager art #CHARACTER. OF. ALL. TIME.

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bookshelfdreams · 8 months

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friendly reminder that

"I love everything about you."

#GOD #this obliterated me. hit me like a distracted driver in a semitrailer hits the end of a traffic jam #its perfect <3 #as beautiful as a well-executed 'i love you' can be it's also a bit generic #can be said to anyone; you can love people for any reason and without really knowing them #(in fact not really knowing them can b prerequisite to the sentiment lol)#you can love the idea or the concept of someone #& i'm not saying it's always or even usually like that; just pointing out that someone who is used to putting on a performance for others #wouldn't be likely to interpret it as anything than a general statement of affection that comes with some conditions. would he.#& anyway ed seems to have a casual relationship w the word love. 'i love you' doesn't have to b a big deal #this though. this is 'i KNOW you. your best your worst and everything inbetween #and i love all of it'#which is just so.#okay first of all the perfect way for stede to express that sentiment; of course he would say that #of course he who constantly tries to create for others the sort of environment he never had #constantly tries to supply the things no one ever gave him #(because he never wants anyone to feel like he did; lonely misunderstood unloved)#of course he would fucking say that #but also just. hhhhrrrrrrrrrgghgggggghhhhhhhhh. you know.#our flag means death #ofmd trailer

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bunnyboygirlgod · 6 months

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i am so so stupid stupid stupid

#i will never be enough #i know i know you cant fullfill every need of someones #but i feel like i dont even get the chance to fill any needs and i dont any of mine filled #so its like they go and do what they want and im left in the dark and now i feel rejected and bad and unlovable #this relationship has been so toxic for me but i dont want to seem like a bad sport or a hypocrit #so i just dont even know anymore #i hate it i cant trust them #i start to trust them again and then all of a sudden theres a new reason not to

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angeltism · 7 months

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rot.ary di.al the aqua bpder song ever

#➳ the fool speaks #like me listening 2 that on repeat years ago while splitting on my fp back then .#putting aside all the story and stuff . those lyrics are basically just what it feels like splitting on someone . to me .#as well as some of my less normal/healthy ways of showing my devotion to those i care about #''call me call me baby - check me on the cheek and all night i'll wait for your reply''#and then ofc the ''i can't wait for you to die'' for the splitting obv .#''all the ones that i love have hung up the telephone time after time after time after time after-'' abandonment issues ++ bpd tend to go #hand in hand #''time and time again again i'll only speak to uu'' prioritizing uur fp above all others because they're OBVIOUSLY the most important perso #in uur life (and if uu don't talk to them right this instant they'll leave uu forever and hate uu and uu can't have that now can uu)#''and maybe uu should give me back the love i gave to uu'' feeling unloved and as though uur fp doesn't care about uu the way uu care abt #them (and if they don't have bpd or uu just . aren't their fp too . then yeah they most likely don't . ahahahah . ow .)#''i've given up on any kind of hope that's left for me'' the self awareness uu get at some point abt the fact uu are . well . Like This tm #and then the ''time is just a-ticking away now hey now for uu for uu'' more ''i hope uu fucking die'' splitting type stuff #''and after i've called uu for the 43rd time'' flashbacks to me desperately trying to talk to my fps over the years to no success .#and then more ''call me call me baby'' w affectionate words and the want/need for attention #''where are uu going my darling?'' fear of abandonment #''why do uu never talk to me'' as mentioned above being more prone to feeling neglected by uur fp if they aren't around as much as uu'd lik #''nevermore forevermore - love is nothing but a waste'' feeling like trying to connect w and maintain a relationship is . well .#a waste because of whatever reasons uu find applicable since there's like 100 uu could think of . purrobably .#and then the rest of the song is kinda just repeats of all these lyrics #ok nawt all of them but uu get the idea #like #damn #idk maybe it's just me but bpd song of all time . sort of . idk .#hap.py days too but that one iirc was Actually Written as a bpd song . this one is kinda just fitting even if on accident ??

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butchdykekondraki · 8 months

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hi. thining about davesport again. look at my ramble boy

#[ren]#they are So.#just. absolutely abhorrent for eachother. TERRIBLE.#i cant think of a single universe where these men would have a positive effect on each other let alone a HEALTHY effect.#its awful. nothing good comes from it. they're both codependent monsters who refuse to get away from each other for their own sake #and everytime someone tries to show them how awful they are for each other it pushes them closer together whether they like it or not #they have done terrible shit to the point that they're practically unloveable in any other circumstance that isn't dating each other #they both have guilt associated with eachother that never goes away and yet they persist #they try and try again to make it work but it falls apart over and over while they refuse to admit how bad their situation is #okay thats all i just think theyre neat :-)#obligatory dsaf tag

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nope-body · 8 months

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#I fucking hate how my dad has essentially told me that it’s my fault I’m in so much pain #not that he’d ever acknowledge how much pain I’m actually in #but I just keep getting told that my general physical condition is my fault and I’m a burden for needing more support than others #and that I don’t know what I need or how to take care of myself and just generally that I’m bad for being disabled #not that anyone would ever say that I’m disabled #and I just hate it! I’m so tired of it #I’m tired of my dad treating exercise like a cure and my mom supporting me only when my dad isn’t around and never in any meaningful way #and I’m tired of feeling like an unlovable burden when I’m in so much pain that I can’t stand #because it’s really getting to my head! I almost texted my friend asking them if they were sure they wanted to be roommates with me because #I might be in pain sometimes and that might impact them #like. what the fuck!? they already know I’m disabled and they’re disabled too! and we support each other and we are more than aware of what #being roommates consists of. my parents are just getting into my head to the extent that I feel like I shouldn’t be around people because #I’m a burden and unlovable due to my pain and I would tell anybody else that that’s wrong #so why am I letting myself believe it?#also I keep saying that my parents are getting better but I don’t think they’ve changed. They can communicate a bit better but #their feelings are the same and that’s the problem. they don’t understand and they don’t care until they’ve had time to think about it #about it and normally I’d be fine with that but when you’re stuck on the floor crying in pain you just want someone to care #you don’t want to wait until your health comes up weeks later in a conversation #you just want compassion and someone to be there with you and tell you it’ll be okay #they have never done that

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icannotgetoverbirds · 1 year

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don't @ me for this i live under a rock okay

not to risk being earnest and therefore cringe on main (/j i literally do not care at this point) but i just learned abt hanahaki like a few minutes ago and i got ideas. probably never gonna write them because *dial-up noises in 2 current WIPs and has never even read hanahaki*, but like.

platonic hanahaki. when you love your best friend platonically but they don't love you back, you're just an acquaintance to them.

familial hanahaki where the parents don't love the kids or the siblings don't love each other. that'll fuck you up. i got you childhood trauma besties.

found family hanahaki. these people are everything to you but they don't feel the same way. alternatively, someone in your group doesn't really mix well with you but you get along just fine, and suddenly whoops plot-significant flower petals. the drama. does everyone else know that it's you? do you admit it? does everyone blame themselves?

hanahaki that starts in the middle of an established relationship. your partner(s) doesn't love you anymore, but you still love them. and that's how you find out.

#writing prompts #hanahaki #byrd writes #byrd chirps #there's probably some arophobic implications to hanahaki #but i feel like it could be done without them #if you specifically write out the hanahaki lore yourself #you could state that hanahaki doesn't affect people who are in love with someone who will never love them back #which could be considered as an actual logical thing #in which hanahaki is a defense mechanism (against unrequited love) gone haywire #of course then it could potentially be cured by the person giving up on their love #which could make for MORE angst because goddammit some people are just too hopeful #or maybe love is the wrong word for hanahaki canonically speaking #at least in this hypothetical canon #maybe everyone thinks it's love #and maybe sometimes it is #but maybe it's more broad than that #and it can occur whenever someone is not cared for rather than unloved #and so systemic oppression of people working within said systems can cause hanahaki #cops of color and any 'good' cops getting hanahaki en masse #worker's unions refusing to stop their activism until the hanahaki stops #hell even patients in hospitals who keep getting hanahaki because their doctors don't give a shit about them #a hospital that hides this by providing surgery to remove it and hush money #and a patient who's a reporter blows the whistle on the hospital instead #because they're not giving up on the healthcare system and neither should anyone else #idk maybe im stretching this too far #but i think they're interesting ideas

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wizardnuke · 1 year

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YALL EVER THINK ABOUT BEAU.I SURE DO.

#I'M GONNA THROW UP #idk if any of tmn can get the award of 'most emotionally repressed'#but beauregard 'refused to give her backstory until they were half a day from her dad's place and she was in tears' lionett #is really close to the top #all the time I think about how mundane her story is in comparison to the rest of them and how hurt she is #and how ride and die and loyal and loving she is in her awkward and unused to giving/receiving affection way #she wasn't loved as a child. she couldn't get any positive attention from her parents so she started acting out. she was sent away.#end of story. no archmages or demigods or archfey or demons or hags technically in that she never knew if that was a true story #from her pov she was just. unloved and never enough and the cobalt soul gave her fighting skills and independence and she ran with it #and tmn love her dearly. they make sure that she knows. do u ever think abt that.#also she's SO smart I think about it All The Time she's so so smart but she wasn't smart in the way her dad wanted her to be #she rarely ever brings up that she is just. CRAZY intelligent she gives caleb a run for his money- tho they have different skillsets in #that area too. I think abt her lucien rant all the fucking time. marisha's brilliant it's insane that she pulled all that together #and it's insane that she could translate that over to beau like that. like yeah beau's really Like That. she figured it all out. she's so #ever think about how molly's death absolutely changed her as a person. she knew him for like three months max and she got so so attached #understandably so. she loved him so much. they fought all the fucking time. he gave as good as he got.. for the first time someone was #listening to her even as they didn't agree. newsflash miss regard there r people who can and will take you seriously.

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yououghtaknow · 1 year

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growing up is about realising every ship in skam brighton is, in a way, a failmarriage and that’s Okay

#having a Hashtag Moment.#the thing is. they're all desperately clinging to one another so they feel less alone and less evil and less unlovable #but all of them are so HAUNTED and SAD and don't have the proper words to EXPRESS it so they pretend to fall in love #and some of that love is real yes. this is not saying that there is no love there #i believe a lot of my silly little guys are in love with each other. but i also don't think any of them know how to love properly #they're Trying. they've seen the movies and they're Trying to be in love. but they don't know HOW so they just copy what they know #and it always falls apart it will inevitably fall apart but we don't See It because they don't See It #my headcanon? none of the ''end game'' skambr ships are together anymore and hardly any of them talk to each other #sure they text and occasionally call. but the only ones who Actually see each other would be bree and al #and james/theo/nick and even That's rare #i reckon sandy and jake would get lunch first summer after uni and then never again #rori and liz Try to stay in contact but it just gets Too Much #they all just sadly follow each other on instagram and send depressing happy birthday messages #ANYWAYS CAN YOU TELL I'M HAVING A NORMAL ONE #what watching a series of the Best rvd amvs does to a person #also this post comes from the rereading s1 gang SANDY AND ESTHER ARE SO FUCKING SAD TOGETHER. THEY ARE KANGS TO ME.

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silkflovvers · 1 year

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If you do those ship buttons, could I ask for Gavial/Zumama and Dawn/Dusk/Nine-Colored Deer?

Hey there!

I do definitely want to make some buttons, but I'm pretty sure the manu I'm looking into needs a minimum of 10 buttons per design.

Unfortunately, that means ultra rare pairs might not even have 10 people who want the design..... Because of that (as well as the size of the buttons, they're not very big) I don't think 10 buttons of Dawn/Dusk/Nine Colored Deer would find a home (and I don't know if I can fit 3 characters on a heart button of that size without it being too small to actually see anything).

As for Gavial/Zumama, I was trying to keep it to one pairing per character to give it more variety, and since I've already drawn GaviTomi, I don't think I'll be doing another Gavial ship.

I'm really sorry :(

#ask #im really sorry ;;#im just hesitant to make 10 buttons of a ship that doesnt even have 10 fans i can ship them to.#those arent ships im personally into #so i wouldnt really want 9 extra buttons of them just... laying around my house unloved and unused...#yhere might be more fans out there #but ive definitely never encountered any people who ship dusk with anyone aside from you #me saying that versus the urge to make flamejaye pins when im the only one that ships them....#in other words im not even making buttons for my otp because i know there arent 9 other people who would want them ;;#silkflovversask

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embraceyourdestiny · 2 years

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When someone has a better life than me I don’t even get jealous I just get sad I’m like man I want that and I don’t think I’ll ever get it

#sorry for the sadposting i get like this whenever I think of family stuff #I genuinely don’t believe my birth family will ever be a place I feel like I can belong. even if I could change all the problems and make #them better I really don’t see the rest of my family being able or willing to try. it would hurt too much and they’d rather be in known pain #than unknown pain even if it’s better in the future #og #i just know I would be so grateful to have a loving family and people who do take it for granted. my family doesn’t hold love for me like #some people LOVE their family. i don’t even think my family really loves me beyond a general semi obligation. I’ve thought about how my #relationships with my family would be if we weren’t conjoined by blood and living in the same house and I don’t think any of us would want #to know or be around each other #man now I’m sad I just want a family that I love and who cares about me and I’ve mostly lived my life thinking it’ll never happen #ill probably die before it does honesty #like my family jsut thinks I’m annoying and a nuisance. no one gives me the benefit of the doubt or tries or even wants to understand me. i #told them I don’t feel like they care about me once and instead of trying to understand why I feel that way they just got mad and said I was #wrong and crazy and yelled at me for feeling unloved. as if it’s my fault. sacrificing things isn’t the same as love and I understand the #sacrifice but I don’t know if they really did it because they truly love me or feel like they have to. no one ever looks at me and feels #immense joy. no one ever sees me and just smiles because they’re happy I’m alive and I exist. fuck I need to stop god

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rexstorm · 4 months

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Man I just realized something. Just thought about things making me happy and I went huh I don't really feel happy that often or easily. Like even when I'm not super depressed like I'm right now. Last year when I was doing actually good for maybe the first time in my life or something I still didn't feel like a happy person. I wasn't being negative or anything but I was really neutral I guess. Idk if I'm making any sense. I get happy about the things I like but also kinda not. Idk how to explain that. But I'm shocked because I went huh I never realized I just don't feel happiness "normally" I guess. Which makes it even worse when people are put off by my attitude or just the way I am. I'm just not a happy person and it should be okay but people just seem to think it's a deal breaker or something. Like I get it when people don't stick around when I'm in a full blown crisis mode and having a really bad depressive episode but I don't get ditching me for not being outwardly happy all the time. Or at all. Idk there's many reasons why people don't stick around but it's just a bummer I can't just exist without putting off people around me.

#rex rambles #sorta rant #I feel like I made a huge ass realization and I'm shocked #man it blows having so many qualities that make me undesirable as a friend or a partner #there's so many I can't even remember all of them #anyway idk how I never realized this #dunno if this even makes any sense tbh #I'm feeling so broken lately it's unreal #I'm just very off putting and unlovable I guess

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clitology · 4 months

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i think i might be an awful person (cw // rant in tags)

#lately ive been thinking a lot about myself & who i am as a person & how i treat other people #idk if it's intrusive thoughts but i am afraid i will cheat on someone. really hurt someone #i had reached the conclusion that im 'not fit to date yet' many months earlier & honestly i just accepted it #but i went out w old friends today & the relationship questions kept coming up so much #i just. didn't know how to explain myself #not that i have to. not to my old school friends in any case #but just to myself. i don't even think it's that i think im unloveable #in fact im all the more scared of someone falling in love w me & me not being able to love them back & hurting them #& it's just. so much more random stuff. like i feel like i don't love my parents or family enough #that i would probably not even feel bad if a loved one were to fall ill #idk idk im sick thinking of it #but even just the fact that i can't convince myself otherwise either. like i can't defend myself against myself?#only thing that i have evidence for is that i did really love my last partner so yes i am capable of love #& not completely cold inside #but then i think of all my friendships. & i have never kept up w any of them. i am one of those people who just let go of their friends #as soon as whatever situation we were in (school work or college) is over. our friendship is over from my side #& it's not even something that struck me as bad until i fell into this self-incriminating rabbit hole #on some level i do think i only really really care about myself #i just don't know how awful i can be for other people #because rn im in a state where im convinced im awful enough in romantic relationships that i should just not put anyone through dating me #the conclusion is that i am probably an awful person who is going to probably end up alone in life #but that will probably be for the better of all people #on one level i can make peace w that #but on another i see no point in living if im living solely for myself & not for the love & joy of humanity #personal <3

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isitovernow-ootw · 4 months

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#my bed is like 10 ft #from moms #same thing #and i realized i have such a chip on my shoulder about my sister #shes like the opposite. she hated our childhood and didnt even realize she was an extrovert until she was like 16 #but the world just handed her everything on a silver platter????#shes always had friends. tons of them so many she can pick and choose her favorites #and she never had any major issues with our mom #hell she even got a queen sized bed when she was like 12 and im 20 and still have a twin #and now shes 17 and has a boyfriend and all these perfect friend circles (TONS)#and her only troubles with getting good grades are because shes too busy hanging out with her friends #when i was 17 i was convinced i was unloveable because i wasnt close enough with even one person to keep talking to them after covid starte #and because i was having tons of arguments with my mom and my sister didnt want to hang out with me and thought i was annoying #so i basically felt like i was bleeding out because i didnt have enough of my social needs fullfilled #and im just like. i know everything about this is unfair and unreasonable #but i cant help but think “why does she get to have all of this fucking handed to her???? she didnt want it anywhere near as bad as i did”#she didnt have to suffer for it like i did #and im still in nowhere near as good of a social position as she was in in like. middle school #and then (again i know this is unreasonable) she has the fucking gal to still be mean and bitter and cause problems because of shit #that i also dealt with but didnt even make it on the list of things that fucked me up????#and she has the nerve to act like our problems and situations are equal??? i say i dont have my own room and she says ??? no its not the sam #and then she gets excused for saying shit to me that everyone would be HORRIFIED if i said it to her??? and theyre like oh shes just like t #I HAVE SO MUCH MORE OF AN EXCUSE TO BE LIKE THAT THAN HER #i have been VERBALLY kicked out of two friend groups and left like 10 others because i realized everyone in the group hated me #i have sat on the cement floor crying and pulling my hair out trying to get my mom to give me a hug and tell me it was gonna be ok #and had her respond by calling me psycho #and i dont blame my mom for it (it doesnt sound like it but she was doing her best shit was rough) and i OBVIOUSLY dont blame my sister #but god i dont know i cant handle her being happy and getting everything ive always hoped for #and i also cant handle her being sad and bitter about stuff that (again not real just emotionally) seems so tiny to me #like idk what i want but

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