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abs0luteb4stard · 5 years

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One of the worst experiences with a doctor I've ever had.

So a week or two ago I went to a new psychiatrist. I asked if my mom could come in for my first session but this doctor said she'd prefer to have me come in first alone.

I didn't like it, but I thought I'll do it. That for the 2nd half of the session my mom could come in. Then add the session went on I thought perhaps she'll come in for the next time.

So she took my vitals and dais my heart rate and blood pressure were up. I said "well I'm nervous."

Then in the session all the standard questions and background and stuff. But I dunno I felt like she was "off" something in tone of voice or whatever.

Then she asked if I was on disability. I said I'm not sure I think, I forget what it's called.

She said "... Because we don't do disability consults here."

I said "I'm not here for that, and I think the government sends you to a doctor they choose anyway don't they? (I knew that much).

She said "typically they do."

In my head I already feel like she's looking down on me from on high.

Also she said on the questionnaire tablet I said my pain is high rated. And that I need to exercise to get my fibromyalgia under control. I said I have other physical problems. I told her what they were. She said you can't control those were gonna work with what we can control.

But those problems impact my physical activity. And they make my fibromyalgia activate pretty often.

But I left the office with a sense of her being cold to my issues. I tried to stay open. Perhaps it is just her "process".

"Next time", I thought.

I'll do these things, I allowed her to increase my medication. I'll go home and lightly exercise. Etc.

Out in the lobby my mom said how did it go? I said quizzically I think it's alright.

My mom said you didn't need me for the second half? I said I didn't really have a chance to say much I was answering all her questions. I didn't think of it.

My mom asked if I'd like her to go with me to talk to the doctor for a second. I said yes.

So we walked down the hall and my mom said that we felt she left my mom out and that why couldn't she be part of the session. She said "she doesn't see parents, she sees adults".

And my mom said because people with mental health issues need support and she's my support. That we don't have secrets and that kind of stuff. We speak openly about everything in our family.

I was nervous this whole thing I looked up and that doctor looked perturbed, and I saw she was judging my mom with her expression. Like my mom's some saboteur or controller. So she shooed us out, said we'll discuss next time, my mom apologized and the doctor closed her door.

I thought "We'll discuss it next time" was "we" including my mom.

In the interim I was supposed to see a psychologist she assigned me. But I didn't go one day because I had flared up fibromyalgia. Then I didn't go the second time because my dad with his stroke issues he was awake half the night confused and thinking he had to go to work or do something that's from long ago. So I was dog tired and just couldn't wake up.

So fast forward to yesterday:

I figured if she's says no to my mom coming in today then I'm not going in until she says yes.

So not only that but she shows up with the guy I cancelled 2 appointments on.

(Now I looked him up the day before yesterday. He's got some shit reviews or two. On doctor rating pages. It could be genuine or a disgruntled patient. But it made me wonder because I already felt snubbed by the lady psychiatrist)

Now I felt an ambush. But I tried to keep cool. She just wants to introduce him to me to get me to feel comfortable maybe. Okay think positive, right?

So I said can my mom come back with us this time?

She said "no I prefer to speak only with you."

I got loud because now my anxiety boiled over in one millisecond flat.

I said them "I said fine, she doesn't go back with me, theni don't go. I'm the patient and I want my mom there." It's my right!.

And she totally dismissed me! Like "fine".

Not as in fine my mom can come in, but fine then I guess you don't want help.

Human compassion? It didn't exist there.

My mom tried to talk to her plead our reasoning and case. But I was already deaf to everything. I can't remember much of what my mom said.

My mom said we can do the session here in the lobby nobody is here. I said "why? What's the point? She's the doctor, she's got a diploma she's the boss."

But that doctor kept turning and whispering and murmuring to that psychologist guy She had a half smirk. Like how about you share with the whole class?

I said something about her whispering like "talk amongst yourselves motherfucker"

And that doctor had this instigatory tone and said "well, I think I know what happened, why you cancelled your sessions [with the psychologist]."

I was taken back. I was like in my head thinking you do? You read minds? Your like a fictional psychologist/detective that can be like Sherlock Holmes and figure out shit from literally no information?

So I said it. I said "what are you a fucking psychic now? You know what I cancelled? Why don't you enlighten us motherfucker?"

My mom said in her diplomatic wss you do not know. He had a flare up pf his pain. Etc.

But before my mom could go further.

The doctor said "well I think you've made yourself clear, you made your choice" to me.

I had it.

I said "No, you made it clear when you said my mother couldn't come in! I do have a choice, but you made it!"

I continued with every variation of fuck I could create, but I ramped it up. I was cut deep. My whole soul said "How dare you".

If I'm done here, I'm going out saying what's on my mind. Nuclear fucking fission. Just Burn down the whole situation.

I said things like "get the fuck out of here, fucking asshole liar motherfucker"

I can't remember because I was so beyond upset now. That kind of high school whispering about me to her buddy fucking triggered that second meltdown. This was "Fuck-a-shima" (pun).

Hell was walking the earth.

She said that "I'll call the police".

I said "call them motherfucker, stupid bitch. I know half of them." (I don't know any of them, lol - I was so mad I was just random)

She said "I will"

I said "call the fucking Army you're gonna need them motherfucker."

I said "I'm not hanging my fucking head and let anyone walk over me. I did that long enough." "I'm a person and I have rights."

I mean I wasn't asking for her to change the world, I'm asking for my mom to come in to the session and help me.

This kind of doctor had betrayed her Hippocratic Oath. She's never helped anyone. She's never "cured" anyone.

She's a pretentious entitled fucking asshole.

Like my best friend told me "it sounds like she wanted to lord over you".

That's the word or description I couldn't find in my anguish. That's how it felt. It was like I had no say in the direction of my care. Like I was a lab rat and not a human being.

They had the power. There's no winning an argument with such a "doctor". There's no winning in any argument. Mutually assured destruction. She'll keep her cool because she's holding all the cards. She's in power.

So fuck it, I'll salt the fucking earth then.

She has my medical file. She knows my issues, she would still have no compassion? She would still cut me off from my only help of family? To what make me "independent"?

Then on top of that to manipulate me with her whispering, and pompous attitude and flash judgement saying "I think I can figure out why you cancelled"? And all that shit?

What kind of sick fucking doctor are you?

I've never been treated like that by any psych doctors. They've all let my mom come in with me. Then when I'm comfortable my mom doesn't come in anymore. She helps me to remember all my medical stuff and when I'm nervous with new people I forget stuff.

She's my mom. People say all the time 'their mom is their rock' or something. To me that's a platitude.

My parents are my left and right hands. Their my spirit and my flesh. To say they're my rock or support or whatever idioms is a gross understatement.

That's what killed me inside yesterday. They don't get it. And they don't want to. And they don't care. To say it was infuriating would be a lie. I don't have the vocabulary to explain it. I don't have the vocabulary to explain 80% of how I felt yesterday.

You come for help, to try again to keep the hurt at bay, to correct the past that wad inflicted on you. And you take away my freedom and my trust?

You build trust with a patient, not walls.

I mean what if there was a patient there in my place who was actively suicidal in the lobby?

Broken the 6th floor window and ready to jump? You gonna turn your face and whisper to your colleague about them in front of them?

I feel sorry for their next patient.

But I'm not feeling sorry. They deserved every syllable.

My mom apologized to me for finding this doctor. That was another thing that cut me. It's not her fault.

I said "you shouldn't be sorry. I'm not sorry. That bitch won't let you come in with me, fuck her, I'm not sorry. And you shouldn't be."

If I had known that doctor would make my mom feel sorry to me about this whole mess, I probably could have punched her in the mouth.

My mom doesn't need to be sorry. Ever. Especially not for someone else's heartlessness to me/us.

That was that doctor's unprofessional and cold approach. She has no respect for the patient or people.

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