#i was a ball of stress and anxiety for 36 hours | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theshinsun · 4 years

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4, 5, 7, 10, 13, 15, 16, 17, 23, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 33, 36, 39, 40, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 59, 60 [Which do you prefer between Knb and Haikyuu?] for the ask you recently reblogged please?

4. what are you looking forward to?

I'm looking forward to school starting again, even if it's just a weird hybrid of online/flipped classes, I miss my teachers and like, being productive. also if I'm in class I can't be worked borderline inhumane hours right…. right??

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

yeah, my roommate. she always either knows how to cheer me up, or blunders around trying to find the right method to the point that it's funny and I end up smiling anyway. she's really awesome like that.

7. what was your life like last year?

it had a lot of ups and downs. I had a great job, but the people I worked with eventually made it toxic and awful. I was doing really well in school, but stressed all the time, had an awesome relationship but kind of ruined it w my anxiety, and had serious roommate issues that made me afraid to leave my bedroom or even come home, sometimes. I remember a lot of very high highs and very low lows especially in the fall/winter of that year.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

well, yes and no… I don't tend to show a lot of emotion to begin with, but what I do show, I'm basically incapable of hiding, and apparently I'm a terrible liar bc my face gives me away.

13. how do you feel right now?

I'm pretty alright… kind of anxious, kind of tired, but that's just been the status quo lately tbh.

15. personality description

already answered, so I suppose I'll elaborate. I'm simultaneously like, the most confident and the most self-doubting person I know... like there are certain things I'm super certain of and times when I feel no shame, and there are others where I'll just shrivel into a ball of anxiety and mortification and never come out. in the same vein, I'm simultaneously very trusting and open and very wary and cautious with people… it really depends on the situation and the person I think, I'm a very "you get out what you put in" person.

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't?

yeah, I’m still holding onto things I’ve wanted to tell certain people tbh… I used to be a lot more forthcoming and not worry about the consequences of what I had to say, but now that I’ve seen what power words have to ruin relationships and impact people I tend to hold back quite a bit.

17. opinion on insecurities

I have… many, but I understand that I shouldn't and am working on the ones I do have. I think feeling insecure can lead to some of the most ugly, toxic emotions and responses in certain people, so I'm trying to be conscientious of that.

23. fear(s)

um let’s see… jump scares, the dark (sometimes), corners I can’t see around, drowning/suffocating, pain, failure, losing control...

27. things I hate

wet socks, sunburn, acne, willful ignorance, bigotry, excessively negative people… uh… idk hate's a strong word that's all I've got

28. I'll love you if…

if you are genuinely, authentically yourself. if you’re the kind of person I can feel comfortable and at ease with. if you show me patience and compassion and make an effort to know me and let me know you… then yeah you’re never getting rid of me.

29. favorite film(s)

The Road to El Dorado, Into the Spider-verse, Howl’s Moving Castle, Spirit, Life of Pi, The Truman Show, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

30. favorite tv show(s)

Haikyuu!!, Kuroko no Basuke, Avatar, Bojack Horseman, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Beastars, Dragonball Z

31. 3 random facts

already answered so here's three more

1. lately I've been carrying a fanny pack with the trans flag (there's an unfortunate but very tempting pun in there) and it's still got the security tag bc they forgot to take it off in the store so now every time I walk through the doorway to like, a drug store, I set off the alarm. I would get it taken off but it was sent to me from Chicago lol.

2. I've got a lot of outdoorsy skills bc of my gym class in high school, like rock climbing, kayaking, building fire, etc. I'm not super adventurous in my daily life but while I was in that class, I did all kinds of things.

3. for awhile I worked at a cat cafe, and helped take care of the 12-15 rescue cats we'd have there at any given time. I stand by that it was the best job I've ever had, but the people I worked with, not so much.

33. something you want to learn

I really want to learn to skateboard or surf. it's been a dream for a long time and I have (suspiciously acquired) both, but my balance is shit and I have no patience for new skills lately, so...

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

already answered so here's three more

1. someday I want to have a pickup truck, I've been looking at, like, bright orange Tacomas and stuff, but of course I'd need a license to be able to drive one

2. I'd like to have a garden again, or maybe have a plot in a community garden. I've been growing nasturtiums and things on my balcony while in school but it's not quite the same

3. still waiting on the day I can get top surgery tbh. I just… want to be able to be shirtless at the beach and wear tank tops with nothing underneath, okay?

39. favorite sport(s)

ahahahaha… favorite sport you say. to play or to watch? 'cause I generally don't like to do either, tho I do like watching the folks who play volleyball on the beach. and considering one of my favorite shows is about volleyball and it was the sport I sucked at the least in school, maybe we’ll go with volleyball? but in general I’m not a sports person.

40. favorite memory

I have a vague memory… of helping my mom in the garden of my old house when I was a little kid, mostly just digging in the dirt in the spring and being outside with my family… it's not very clear or specific but I think those days were some of the happiest of my life.

52. something I'm talented at

I'm good at learning the lyrics to songs, I've got over 1000 downloaded in my spotify library and I'm pretty sure I know the words to at least most of them. in a similar vein I'm good at learning the scripts to movies, and just… memorizing things in general especially audio.

53. 5 things that make me happy

already answered so here's some more!

1. songs with a light, strummy acoustic feel and creative lyrics… I've got a whole playlist for that vibe there's just something about songs like that that make me really calm

2. I really like being hugged or cuddled by my friends, just being in close proximity and hanging all over each other, makes me all warm and fuzzy inside tbh

3. I love driving with the windows down (I can't drive so I mean riding passenger lol), especially in the canyon by my house, through the forest and by the beach.

54. something that's worrying me at the moment

I’m so afraid things won’t go back to the way they were. ...that applies to multiple aspects of my life, not just with this pandemic but school, work, friends, relationships… it seems like I’m always chasing the past and dreading the future, so much that I can’t ever be satisfied in the present moment, and that’s something that’s been on my mind a lot.

55. tumblr friends

@hadenxcharm, @spaztictwitch, @kurokonobaka, @taigainside, @hybristophilica and you could be too! all you gotta do is message me tbh I'm easy

56. favorite food(s)

strawberry cheesecake, fried shrimp, key lime pie, tuna steak

59. why I joined tumblr

I joined in 2012 bc my friends told me to, had a brief recession where I didn't use it at all, and a pretty lengthy sidetrack through the RP community, and then I came back bc of the friends I'd made here, and the unique-ness of the platform that I kinda can't find anywhere else. I'm stuck here just like the rest of y'all.

60. ask me anything you want (which do you prefer between KNB and Haikyuu?)

now this is a tough one… bc I really love them both a lot, and tbh in terms of quality of writing, art/animation, thematic music, character development and general story, I think Haikyuu!! has KNB beat, buuuuuut…. in spite of its flaws, I have such a soft spot for KNB and I keep coming back to it over and over again even as it falls into relative obscurity. It's the only thing I write for anymore and I'm still, somehow, utterly obsessed with the characters I first fell in love with over five years ago. KNB has problems, for sure, but the things it gets right (like setting a mood, strong emotional beats and character relationships) it knocks out of the park. I don't know if I could ever choose one over the other in terms of like, "you can only read/watch one of these and have to give up the other forever", but in terms of which has had the biggest impact, and still hits me the hardest, I'd probably have to go with KNB… but it's not by any means an easy choice.

#shin speaks #answered #sorry this took forever it was... a lot of questions and I've also been working pretty insanely lately #thanks so much for asking!!#<3

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 5 years

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Swift As Karma (Part 36)

The only up side to Azula not making an appearance was the opportunity to explain to Hakoda, just how they’d come to start working with one another. He seemed to have taken it better than Katara thought he would.

She jolted as the cell door opened. Azula practically shoved her breakfast at her, making a point of handing it to Hakoda nicely. She almost bit out a, “good morning to you too.” But she holds off, not wanting to make the situation worse. Instead she sighs, “look, I didn’t mean that, I’m just really stressed.

The former princess’ expression remained blank. “Here’s what’s going to happen. The two of you are going to cause a scene, you’re going to make as many people angry as possible. You will do this under my watch and I will lead you to the saunas.” She paced around the cell with her hands clasped behind her back. “Last night I have tampered with them. The good thing about the saunas is that they can act as a raft of sorts. They are positioned above the water, that is how they get their heat.” She paused. “I have loosened them so, with enough kicking they will come free you can waterbend your way back to the others. I will be joining you after my shift is over.”

“So you haven’t been avoiding me?” Katara asked hopefully.

“I absolutely have been.” Azula replied. “I simply make use of my spite.” Without another word, the firebender exited.

Katara sighed. “She’s so frustrating, dad!”

“I can tell.” He laughed. “Firebenders are...difficult.”

“One minute we seem like we’re getting along and then one of us will say or do something...it would be easier to just hate her.”

“It’s always easier to choose hate, Katara. But you always choose love, just like your mother.” Hakoda smiled. “I’m sure that the two of you will get used to each other eventually.”

She threw her arms around him and rubbed her cheek into his chest. She supposed that her dad was right. That Azula hadn’t simply left her to rot, was a good sign. Even if she wasn’t being friendly about it, she was still making good on her plans and promises.

.oOo.

“Soooo...how’d you become a guard?”

Azula nearly spat her drink back into the cup it’d come from. She gave a moment’s pause before replying. “I applied for the position. How’d you become a guard?”

The boy, he couldn’t have been much older than she, laughed. “No, I mean, like...what made you want to be a guard. Of course you applied for the position!” He rubbed the back of his head, a blush creeping onto his freckled cheeks.

“Oh. I…” Of all of the things she’d thought of regarding her plan, she’d never factored in the risk of innocent smalltalk. “I guess that I’m just trying to do what’s best for the Fire Nation.”

“Oh cool. Me too.” The boy smiled awkwardly.

“Yeah…”

“I’m Juno.” He held out his hand.

“Zuri.”

“That’s a nice…”

“Juno!” Snapped Rozan, “Your break is at least ten minutes over!”

Juno tensed up. “He’s such a hardass.” He grumbled. “Hey, maybe we can talk on my next break.”

“Ten minutes of your next break have been docked.” Rozan mentioned. “Zuri, check on inmate 4015 for me. She’s been giving the other guards a bit of a hassle.” He tossed her a sedative.

“I can do that.” Azula replied. She tried to remember which number Katara’s was.

5006. She was 5006. Azula hopped that this other inmate wasn’t going to offer another hiccup.

She climbed the stairs to the fifth floor, tapping each door with her cane and counting the cells out loud. It was mostly for show, should she have a particularly nosey audience. To further drive the act home she turned to the nearest conversation and asked the guards if she had counted right.

One of them gave her a curt nod before the other nudges him and his utters a soft ‘whoops’ and a, “yes, that’s the right cell.”

Azula opened the door.

She dodged the girl’s punch and trips her with her cane. “So you’re this kind of problem. I wish they would have warned me.” Agni, if she were still princess Azula, the Warden would have gotten an earful for that kind of incompetence, a ‘polite’ suggestion to keep his guards informed. She decides that small mistakes like that will only help her current cause, so she will let it slide.

“So they’re sending blind guards after me now, that’s a low even for the warden.”

Azula recognized the voice. “You’ll find that I’m perfectly capable of handling myself.” She tightens the headlock. “Now, I’ve got important things to attend, I don’t have time to deal with...whatever the hell this is.”

“I’m sure you do.” Suki replied.

“Don’t take this personally, but I’ve got a job to do.” Azula mumbled as she administered the sedative. She hoped to Agni that the girl didn’t recognize her. She hadn’t reacted as though she did. “Dinner is at six. Don’t give them a reason to sedate you again.”

.oOo.

Katara ate her dinner anxiously in a few minutes, Hakoda would be turning their semi-peaceful lunch into an uprising. She took a deep breath and tried to relax herself.Hakoda squeezed her shoulder and rose to his feet.

It was time.

She spotted Azula a little ways away. They met eyes briefly and she gave a nod. Hakoda returned it before marching up to a man about his size. He snatched the man’s food tray. He gave a gruff, “what the hell, I was eating that.”

“I decided that I wanted a second helping.” Hakoda shrugged.

Katara flinched as he blocked the man’s punch. That was all it took, apparently one punch was a green light to release all of their combined pent up anger. She lost sight of Azula in the mess of bodies.

Having to dodge swings and balls of fire herself, she lost sight of Hakoda. Her head is dizzy with fear and overstimulation. A fist connected with her ribcage and she toppled with an ‘oof’. People took no notice of her, they stepped on her hands and kicked her in their effort to swing at the person nearest to them.

Katara wished that she had her waterskin, but she has nothing. Nothing but her bare hands to defend herself with, and they won’t be much help against a man or woman with muscles the size of her head. Frankly, she was almost certain that a burly woman had been the one to land her on the ground.

She let out a soft cry as another foot collided with her stomach.

She rolled onto her belly and hustled out of the crowed. When she deemed it safe, she rose to her feet and scurried to the furthest end of the recreation yard, as far from the violent chaos as she could get. She pressed herself against the wall as the Warden and his guards scrambled to contain the outburst.

She slid down the wall covering her ears with her hands and burying her face in her knees. All of this was way too much. Her sides and torso were throbbing quite painfully and she couldn’t find her father. She was certain that this was not how it was supposed to have happened.

Katara choked back a sob.

She jolted when she felt a hand on her shoulder. “Dad?”

“Do I look like a water peasant to you?”

Compelled by relief at having a familiar face, even if it wasn’t a particularly friendly one, she threw her arms around Azula. The former princess looked rather uncomfortable so she released her hold.

.oOo.

“Geez…” Azula muttered. By all means, she should have shoved the girl off for the remark about her father. But the girl was seeping anxiety. She told herself that the only reason she gave the girl’s back two light pats was because she couldn’t afford to have the waterbender’s nerves ruining her plan. But Agni if it wasn’t the most awkward experience she’d had in a long while.

Katara relased her hold. “Sorry, I...this is stressful.”

“Clearly.” Azula grumbles. She waited for the Warden to gain some semblance of control. “Just follow my lead.” She was going to have to do quite a bit of improvising. She hoped that the waterbender could act.

“Who is responsible for this!?” The Warden demanded. Her cue.

Azula dragged Katara forward. “Her father.” She tapped her foot several times, her own way of scanning the crowd for Hakoda. Upon finding his form she pointed at him with her cane. “Something about getting more food for her. He tried to take it from someone else.”

The Warden scowled. “If I’m not mistaken, we had a deal, Hakoda.”

Hakoda shrugged. “You hardly feed us.”

“Well, unlike you, I am a man of my word.” He paused. “Take them both to the saunas.”

“Juno!” Azula snapped, “give me a hand with this one.”

The boy nodded and followed her as she followed the pair of guards leading Hakoda away. As she passed she brushed arms with the Kyoshi Warrior. She tried not to think too much of it. “You stay put.” Azula said to Katara as she led her along. “I’ll come check on you in an hour or so.” She said this loud enough for Hakoda to hear.

“Wow, this is so cool!” Juno exclaimed. “I don’t know how you’re handling this so well. I was all jittery. I thought that the prisoners were going to escape or something!”

If only he knew.

She spared Katara one last sightless glance before shutting the door and leaving her at the mercy of sauna’s heat. Juno shuddered, “I don’t like leaving them in there, ya know. I also hate putting firebenders in the freezer…”

“Yeah.” Azula replied half-heartedly. “I’m just doing what’s best for the Fire Nation.”

Juno nodded.

They round the corner and they nearly collided with the Warden, Suki, and a pair of guards.

“It’s her.” Suki declared brazenly. “That’s Azula.”

Her entire soul went cold.

#Avatar #Azula #Katara #Suki #Fanfiction

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do-what-the-knight-tells-you · 5 years

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Broadchurch: The Short Story Collections Volume 2 Available over here This second volume contains another four short stories, also ostensibly intended 1 per episode, but they take place at very different times. I read them interspersed, (watch ep 5, read first story, watch ep 6, read etc), but it might be fun to read them in an actual chronological order during a re-watch.

1- “Protection”, Sharon Bishop (Joe Miller’s Lawyer), During the S2 trial, specifically the night following episode 5. Serious, heavy, dramatic insight into her character over the course of a terribly busy evening that includes a dinner invite with Jocelyn and the judge, and her romantic partner surprising her at The Trader’s. Plus lots and lots of phone calls. Very interesting.

2- “One More Secret”, Beth, halfway through episode 6, this starts the evening after Tom’s testimony, and continues about 24-36 hours. Insight on Beth, how she’s coping (and Chloe), how she reacts to learning Mark’s “last secret”, that he was gonna leave her... oh, and discussion on her relationship with Ellie.

3- “The Leaving of Claire Ripley”, Claire (who would eventually marry Lee Ashworth), 10ish years before S1 maybe? This is The story of who she was before him, a relationship she got into, what she thought she wanted, and how it all went sideways, eventually forcing her to run from consequences for the first time. Basically, how she ends up in the right town/place to meet Lee, and get embroiled in the Sandbrook mess... and without any support network but him. Very interesting, totally unexpected.

4- “Thirteen Hours”, Alec Hardy, pre Series 1, specifically, One Day before Series 1. Insight on Alec, before he meets Ellie, how he’s balancing Claire, his illness, and secrecy, in the new town, in the new job. Hint: Barely. 13 hours from his life, probably 20 hours before Danny would die. Basically, the last “normal” day before Danny’s body is found and all goes to shit. Poor Sucker.

I’ve included summaries, my notes, excerpts, reactions, and other Things Of Interest under the readmore. Again, these story volumes are interesting, short, and worth the read for me!

1. Sharon bishop- during trial Before episode... 4? What morning is it she drives to see her kid? Ah, she pulls the all-night drive and sees her kid in prison in EP 3, so this takes place the night after that day in court. No, wait, after he's beaten up, so, maybe after ep 5? About to head home from the trial. Gets a phone call from her... Partner? Boyfriend? "Darroll". Not Jonah's dad, I don't think. She gets asked to dinner with Jocelyn and the judge Oh fuck, he shows up at The Trader’s when she specifically told him not to. She forgets to change, and bails out of there back for the judge’s place. Still making phonecalls about Jonah bearing beaten up. God she’s stressed. I can practically feel the anxiety and nausea drip off the page. Man, her POV on Jocelyn is cruel. Specifically, that Jocelyn is perfect and privileged, and never missed/misses an opportunity to put her down. Man, Sharon fucking hates her. The judge makes a comment about Sharon being judge material in a few years, if she's interested, perfectly polite and congenial. Sharon turns it down, privately thinking that she likes the fight too much. Judge says she didn't think it was for her, either, until she suddenly found herself the first Asian woman. And even then, her dad was still disappointed. The whole conversation makes Sharon furious and resentful, of these smug women, their perceived privilege in comparison to her, the way she had to fight to build the ladder she climbed, the way she was never even expected to take A-levels, the way she had Jonah on a great track and it was "his kindness" that got him incarcerated and stuck on the "lowest rung" you can start on. "Sonia refills the glass; Jocelyn puts a hand over hers. ‘You must’ve had offers for the bench,’ Sonia says to Jocelyn, filling a new glass with sparkling water. Jocelyn’s eyes crinkle. ‘Too many other interests I would’ve had to give up.’ Sharon nearly chokes on her salmon. Jocelyn doesn’t have interests. She’s just trying to convince everyone – including herself – that her life has had any kind of meaning since she gave up work. Sharon makes a little coughing noise and Jocelyn looks at her sharply before turning back to Sonia. ‘I’m not good at impartial,’ she says, with a little shrug of false modesty." See, we know that Jocelyn quit because she was going blind. We know that she is regretful of the life, the love she felt she wasted. No way is she out (sexuality-wise), or I think Sharon might not be as furious with her privilege. Which, like, she definitely has, but Sharon is so tired and furious right now, she's equivocating the economic privilege Jocelyn undoubtedly has with "never having had to struggle or sacrifice for your job". We of course know and are sympathetic to how Hard Jocelyn had to work, probably one of the first women in her county/area to do what she did Every Time she did it. And we are sympathetic to the fact that she did that all while remaining closeted, and how miserable and hard that must have been... But Sharon doesn’t know some of that, and she’s too furious at the system, at economic privilege... and honestly, at herself, for having chosen to work so hard she missed things with her son. maybe things that led to this situation. Which she absolutely is blaming on the system, and not at all on anything else. And they have such bitterness between them, Jocelyn probs had been a little jealous, a little "oh yeah, wear your wound on your sleeve, get everyone to cry for you", secretly angry that she never "was brave" enough to come out. At least her protege never had to lie, could be honest about who and what she was. There is a lot of shit between them on the subject of race and gender and privilege and stuff (Jocelyn did specifically mention that the decision to take Sharon on as a protege was partly a diversity hire, to “get more women”. Sharon is furious at that comment. I don’t know enough about race relations in the UK to know how contentious the fact that Sharon’s black would be... but considering the judge is also non-white, and Sharon is furious with her too, it’s clear the primary contention is money, even if race is a casual condition). And pride. I totally believe (agree with Jocelyn’s assertion) that Sharon has an issue taking blame. It must always be someone else's fault. And she doesn't care about morality a bit. She says to herself it's because justice didn't work for her kid, but I get the vibe from Jocelyn that that shit was in place long, long before. "Now they’re getting closer, thinks Sharon. ‘Not good at impartial’ is nothing but a euphemism for the fact that Jocelyn Knight is a dyed-in-the-wool prosecutor, although being her, she’s got to dress it up as a higher calling. She likes the chase, that’s what it boils down to. She might as well come into court dressed in a bearskin dress and wave a spear about. But Sharon knows that working for the Crown makes Jocelyn feel good because she can always tell herself she’s fighting the good fight. She believes her own lies, and that’s what makes her so good at her job. Defence, now that’s where the real fight is. You’ve got to have balls to speak for a defendant, run the risk they might be guilty. To take all the shit from the press and public that comes with it.

“‘You do have to bite your tongue,’ Sonia admits. ‘Mind you, when I say something, people really bloody listen.’ Now that, Sharon likes the sound of. Instant respect. The kind she thinks Sonia and Jocelyn must take for granted. ‘Speaking of which, there’s something I need to say. Off the record. Because if this was official, we’d be in court, and you’d both be in the shit.’ Without raising her voice by a decibel, Sonia has managed to change her tone; if anything it’s smoother and calmer than before, and that’s more chilling than an angry rant. Sharon feels the blood banging in her cheeks and doesn’t risk looking at Jocelyn. ‘I heard your yelling halfway across the building, earlier,’ continues Sonia. ‘I’m presuming, since it hasn’t appeared on the Broadchurch Echo Twitter feed, that members of the press and public didn’t hear it, but that’s no thanks to either of you.’

“Caught red-handed; this morning’s angry words ring in Sharon’s ears and a schoolgirl shame burns like acid in her gullet. What could this mean for the case? For her career? Sharon is rarely lost for words but she can’t begin to talk her way out of this one. She feels like the walls of a maze are clanging down around her. Sonia’s still talking as the phone in Sharon’s pocket begins to vibrate. Without looking she knows it’s the prison governor. The call that will keep Jonah safe tonight is coming through now. Answer it, screams her conscience. Sonia’s voice is a burble in the background. Answer it. The twenty-year conflict between Sharon’s motherhood and her career feels condensed into these few seconds. Her skin feels too tight all over. She puts one hand in her pocket as if her fingertips could send the message for her: wait for me. Just give me one more minute. Sharon’s instincts tell her that even to break eye contact with Sonia Sharma right now would be professional suicide, never mind taking a phone call. The phone doesn’t ring for long: four, maybe five rings, before the caller hangs up. Sonia’s words come back into focus.

“‘I told you both at the start: professionalism and dignity,’ she says, still more head girl than headmistress. ‘Keep your personal rows out of this case or it’ll be a full-scale public bollocking. Got it?’ Sharon nods as she absorbs the gist: she’s got away with it, in the broadest sense. Where she ought to feel relief there is only a crashing sense of failure and loss. In the ensuing silence, she can hear the food she’s chewing turn over in her mouth, but she can’t swallow it. She’s just about to push back her chair when Sonia comes in with what she clearly thinks is an ice-breaker.

“‘So, you were her pupil?’ It’s a loaded question and Jocelyn doesn’t give Sharon a chance to answer. ‘I found her and brought her onto a scheme I was running to bring more women into the law. Particularly from underprivileged backgrounds.’

“Sharon explodes; too late, she sees the crumbs fly everywhere. ‘I was at Oxford by this point! She tells it like she pulled me out of the gutter.’ ‘She was the best I ever had. On course to be my Head of Chambers, if she’d stayed.’ It’s a reverse flip in the conversation. Sharon is so stunned that for a few seconds she forgets about the missed call. This is the first praise she’s ever had from Jocelyn Knight. She had always presumed the admiration flowed in one direction. Jocelyn let her go without a fight.

“Resentment boils inside her and she doesn’t trust herself not to come back with sarcasm or worse. Sonia’s seen her with the gloves off now and it cannot happen again. She excuses herself to use the bathroom – beautiful, hand-painted tiles, organic handwash, only the best for the judge’s residence – and she splashes water on her face, tells herself in the mirror to get a grip. She dials her voicemail with shaking hands. There’s a message, not from the governor but from his assistant, saying that they’re waiting for her to return their call. Sod etiquette, Sonia and Jocelyn can amuse themselves for a few minutes: Sharon hits redial but she is locked out by the engaged tone. She waits one minute, then tries again. She repeats this three times with the same result. She weighs up her options – hide in the toilet for god knows how long, or make her excuses and leave? It’s an easy decision.

“Back in the dining room, she realises there will be no need for excuses; the evening is already being wrapped up. ‘Thanks for a lovely supper,’ says Jocelyn, folding her napkin and getting to her feet. ‘But I should be getting back.’ Sonia leads her guests into the hallway. ‘No rest for the wicked.’ She nods through an open doorway to a study where case files are piled high on a table. They will all be working through the night.

“Back in the car, Sharon sets her phone to hands-free and hits redial repeatedly. She is on the dual carriageway that leads into Broadchurch when at last the line is free. Hope spikes then crashes with each unanswered ring. There is nobody there. She’s missed her window. And she doesn’t know where Jonah is sleeping tonight. Reality is a punch in Sharon’s guts. She can’t save Jonah. She’s trying to remote-control his life, when the brutal truth is that it’s been out of her control, and his, since he found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong colour skin. The injustice of it burns. The miles between Sharon and Jonah seem to stretch out and then snap. The road swims before her, lights blurring to amber tadpoles against the black. Sharon pulls into a lay-by and bawls until her throat is sore and her eyes are gritty." Her partner is still at the hotel when she gets there, and I thought this section was particularly beautiful: "‘Oh, babe,’ and that’s all Darroll has to say. He places his knuckle on the point between her shoulder blades, the heart of the knot. He knows where her body keeps its secrets, and with his touch, she is undone. Afterwards, she waits until he has fallen asleep, as good as drugged. In these stolen hours the Traders hotel is as silent as it gets. No phones ring. Not a floorboard creaks, not a toilet flushes. There is only Darroll, the gentle rolling snore of him. Sharon is wired. Only four hours’ sleep in two days but she can’t remember feeling more awake. Darroll’s soothing effect is only temporary. It rushes through a drain and is replaced by thoughts of Jonah, his beaten-up face and a circle of thugs closing in on him." She gets up and back to research the appeal for Jonah's case. (God, she's working so hard there, so distracted from the Miller stuff, it really is a mark of how fucked the Broadchurch investigation was, or how ruthless and rule-break-y Sharon is, that her side ends up winning) "She has a career's worth of favors to call in, and she isn't too proud to do it." Determined as fuck, and unwilling to not succeed. Heck of a character. . 2. One more secret- Beth- during trial, partway through episode 6 (where Tom lies on the stand in Joe's defence), I think after Tom's testimony, that night, before Mark's She gets home, longest she's been away from Lizzie. "‘Where are my girls?’ she calls while her key’s still in the door. Chloe emerges from the sitting room, a puke-stained muslin cloth draped over each shoulder. Chloe’s dropped out of college but she can’t get a job until the trial’s over because Beth needs her for the childcare. If Beth can’t be with Lizzie, then it’ll have to be someone else who loves her. The baby needs to be with her own blood. The time spent with the baby seems to be helping Chloe, too. It’s taken her mind off her own problems; the spoiled GCSEs, losing her nan, and the break-up with Dean (who left Dorset for the chance to shear sheep in New Zealand, only telling Chloe the evening before his flight. Beth still can’t think about him without her hands balling into fists)." She has a meeting with a social worker who has come to check on her mental health, and she gets pissed and storms off, only realizing later than that that might have tipped them to the balance of thinking she's not a fit mother. She starts to think about the checklist they gave her and how to throw it so the social decide she's fit enough, not too depressed, to take care of her kid. Next morning is the Mark’s testimony. Where she learns that there's one last secret between them after all, the mystery of the unaccounted for hour in which he drove around, and then wrote her a letter saying he was leaving her. "And then suddenly there is someone at her side. Ellie is there, dropping to her knees. Their faces are level and Beth has been brought so low she will take comfort anywhere, even here. She collapses against her old friend. ‘It’s not Mark,’ says Ellie. Her eyes shine with tears that reflect Beth’s own. ‘It’s Joe, doing this to us.’

“‘Mark was going to…’ Beth can’t get the rest of it out. She lets Ellie cry with her and it feels so good, for the first time in ages, to lean on someone the same size as her. They stay locked like that. After a few minutes, they stop crying, pull apart and look at each other. There’s a strange, almost post-coital awkwardness in the air; for all the intimacy of their embrace, they’re still essentially estranged, both unsure how heavily they can tread.

“‘I’m so sorry about Tom,’ says Ellie. ‘He still doesn’t believe Joe did it.’ ‘Oh, God, no, I get it. Danny would’ve done the same.’ Saying his name changes the mood again; it brings them past embarrassment and into the hugeness of what has happened between them. Ellie meets Beth’s gaze head-on, still offering that unflinching apology and Beth understands, suddenly, that she will keep saying sorry for ever if that’s what it takes.”

[Oh god, she really would, wouldn’t she]

“Something inside her wants to draw back but there’s something stronger – a need to be understood, or perhaps the green shoots of forgiveness – that keeps her in the moment. ‘I didn’t know,’ she says. ‘About the letter.’ Ellie pulls a face. ‘I gathered that.’ Beth puts her chin on her knees and sighs deep. ‘You must want to beat the crap out of him.’

“‘I do, but it’s not just that.’ Beth hugs her knees tighter. ‘I’ve got this social worker on my back making me fill out this questionnaire to see if I’m going to top myself. As if I would, with Chloe and a new baby needing me. I’m like, don’t you think I’ve got enough shit to deal with without racing back from court to talk about my wellbeing?’ Ellie winces. Beth didn’t mean to throw a barb at her, but there’s no way around it. They can’t pussyfoot around this case, and if mentioning it hurts Ellie, well, that’s the way it’s got to be. Beth leans back against the cool wall of the stairwell.

“‘If I’m not depressed already then that’ll just tip me over the edge,’ she mutters, more for her own benefit than Ellie’s. ‘Stupid cow with her stupid drawn-on eyebrows.’ ‘Patricia Kennedy?’ Ellie wiggles her own eyebrows, but nervously, like she’s afraid to acknowledge the joke. ‘I’ve come across her before. She’s all right. She’ll only be worried about you.’ ‘Yeah, well, I feel persecuted. And I worry that they’ll … do something. Take her away from me.’ It’s the first time she’s said it out loud. ‘Why would they do that?’ says Ellie.

“‘Look at me,’ says Beth. ‘I can’t even look after myself.’ ‘Bollocks, you’re doing a brilliant job,’ says Ellie, in her old, no-nonsense way and it’s more reassuring than any platitude. Conversation grows louder in the atrium and the court doors start to swish open. Ellie gets to her feet.

“‘I need to find Tom,’ says Ellie. Her teeth are clenched in a grim determination that Beth recognises from their old lives. Tom’s in for the bollocking of his life. Beth watches her straighten up, and only when she sees her at her full height does she realise Ellie’s been stooping since this all kicked off. Ellie puts out her right hand, and for a moment Beth thinks she’s offering a formal handshake and the indignation surges again. Then, as Ellie’s set face begins to wobble, she realises she’s offering to pull her up to standing. Beth hesitates for a second but finds she doesn’t have it in her to snub the offer. Ellie’s hand is cold in hers, but her grip is tight. I’ve got you, it seems to say. The raw intimacy of it is too much, and Beth drops her hand as soon as she’s on her feet. It’s exhausting: the smallest gesture is so loaded.”

[Oh I ache for you two.]

“ ‘Right, then,’ she says, testing her legs. They seem to be holding her up. ‘I’m going back in, see what else Mark’s got to say.’ ‘You sure you’re up to that?’ asks Ellie, tilting her head to one side. ‘No,’ says Beth. Their smiles are tentative, feelers in the dark. But they don’t hug. It feels too soon for that." oh you poor girls.

She gets back home after kicking mark to the curb, only to find the bloody social worker waiting for her. Only...

"‘Just give it to me, then,’ says Beth, sitting opposite Patricia. ‘Give me the bloody questionnaire.’ Patricia smiles softly. ‘All in good time. Look, I’m sorry if I was insensitive, barging in on your trial time. We’ll work around you from now on.’ Beth brightens. ‘You mean you’ll discharge me?’

“‘No,’ says Patricia. ‘I still want to keep an eye on you. Not because I think you’re going to harm Lizzie, but because you are vulnerable, even if you don’t want to admit it. But I won’t come and see you every day while the trial’s ongoing. What I’ll do is check in every few days, and give you my mobile number. If you feel you’re not coping, there are options. Don’t be stubborn.’

“‘I’m not stubborn.’ Patricia raises her magnificent eyebrows and Beth finds a genuine laugh. ‘How come you changed your mind, then?’ she asks. Patricia closes the file on her lap and looks Beth in the eye.

“ ‘I had a call from a colleague who helped me see things from your perspective,’ she says. ‘Helen?’ ‘No,’ says Patricia. ‘Someone I worked with a while back.’ She starts to pack up her bag, putting her various sheaves of paperwork into compartments. On her way out of the door she turns and looks over your shoulder. ‘I won’t patronise you by pretending I understand what you’re going through,’ she says. ‘But you know, you’re not as alone as you think you are.’ Beth thinks she means because of Lizzie, and holds her tighter than ever. It’s only after Patricia has driven off that she realises who the old colleague was, and that she wasn’t talking about her daughter after all." And then, to conclude the chapter, "Without meaning to, she turns slowly in a half-circle to Ellie’s house. The light in the top bedroom is on and two figures move around inside. Tom is home. Jealousy swoops in, and Beth is too bitter to be happy for Ellie. That thought pulls her back to this afternoon at court, Ellie’s outstretched hand and how good it felt to take it. Beth fights the softening inside her. How can she accept friendship again? How can she trust? To survive the next twelve hours, the next few weeks, the rest of her life, she has to keep a force-field, like a shell, around herself and all her children. She turns her head away from Ellie’s house and looks up. The star that was shining so bright above her twinkles once, then disappears behind a cloud." Ugh, it's all so rough. I wanna wrap everybody in a soft blanket, Ellie, Beth, Alec, all the children, Maggie and Jocelyn, even mean Sharon and her poor kid. Wrap them up safe (and keep them out of the way while I off Joe Miller). . 3. The leaving of Claire Ripley- preseries, by a lot Takes place before claire and her husband meet. she's thirty or so, living with her grandma, more or less happy. In the town she was born in. Her friends are all getting married and having families-- she hasn't found the kind of man she wants to settle down with yet. She's looking for something more exciting than that.

She ends up dating a fellow who's kind of a small-time ecstasy dealer, but as she is more more successful at her salon and gets promoted, it makes him feel insecure.

One night he's selling more pills than normal, and she realizes that it's a cheap bad batch, gonna really hurt people, panics about how close she's been to the whole thing, ditches his pills, and runs away. For that, his family / employers put her grandma in the hospital. And tell her she has to leave town or else they'll do it again.

She tells her Grandma she's leaving, and her grandma gives her that pendant, the pendant she had been saving for her birthday. Claire thinks to herself that she's going to love that pendant out of both punishment and hope, and maybe one day give it to daughter of her own. Someone who really deserves it [again, reinforcing that she did care about Pippa, as much as she was able to care about anyone].

She finds that there's a woman selling a hair salon in Mercia, and she has just enough to buy that out of her savings from working salon in town, so she does, and she runs.

a week later she's on a plastic mattress, having forgotten to buy bedding, above the shop she now owns, bitterly ruing the day that she got in with the fella she got in with, and dreaming of a man she hasn't met yet. A strong man, an honest man, a man who works with his hands, a man muscular enough and sturdy enough to carry her upstairs throw her in bed and love her like she wants to be loved. Short, but kind of a wild ride. . 4. Thirteen hours- Alex Hardy- 17 July 2013 The day before Ellie gets back from vacation. (Or, comes back to work). The day before Danny is killed. Fuk. Hardy wakes at the traders, he's been there ten days. He takes his meds to settle his heart. "Hardy looks out over Broadchurch. Those huge cliffs everyone keeps telling him to go and look at glow amber in the distance; the sea is the same pale blue. He doesn’t like horizons. They make him feel agoraphobic, like nothing’s got edges, like everything could spill everywhere. ��Now that the seagull’s gone, it’s too quiet. There is no noise apart from the chink and ting of breakfast things being laid out downstairs. You get the wrong kind of noise in the countryside. Hardy thrives on the white noise of the built environment, the comforting rumble of an A-road in the distance. He salivates at the thought of the hotel’s eggs Benedict but knows he should eat the wholegrain cereal in the dispenser, even though he’ll be charged the same price. What a waste, and a waste of police money, too. But that’s all to the good; it’s his own money he should be worrying about. Between the maintenance he pays Tess and Daisy and his other, secret expenses, he’s sliding into the red. Time now is measured in pounds and pennies as well as hours and days. “How much money he'll spend, how many nights he'll sleep in the traders..." It all depends on how quickly he can break Claire Ripley. This short story lays out the situation. Lays out his arrangement with Claire, it lays out the fact that he's doing this to punish himself and to solve the case and he doesn't feel like he can go home until he has done that. Much in the same way that, in the first collection of short stories, Ellie realized she couldn't go home to her actual house in Broadchurch without Tom, without Joe's case being done. The references to his physical state are just... He's drowning. It's so jarring after watching him halfway healthy at the end of series 2 finale. "Alec Hardy's heart skips a beat it can't afford to miss." "He's maybe half a mile from Claire's house, but the walk would ruin him for the rest of the day, and he needs the driver to get them back to Broadchurch." Something strange happened with Claire's phone, and now he's late to his shift, risking the only thing he has left, his career. "Someone behind them sounds their horn... Jolting him from anxiety into panic, and he has one of those micro crisis that happens two or three times a day now. He hasn't got time for this. What the hell is he doing? he was so sure this setup was the only way to save his sanity, but he now realizes it's just as likely to destroy it. it has put his career on the line again, and God knows his career is all he has left, now." Turns out, not that she admits to it but he puts together the pieces from observing, that Claire had herself a little tantrum and threw her phone and broke it. He's a little bit pleased by this, because it's the opportunity he needs to be able to get her a phone that he's paying for that he can monitor, under the guise of it being safer and more secure. he talks about the fact that she is suspicious, and he knows she's holding something back, that she is never the same person twice when he comes by, vacillating between very young, innocent, flirty, pouty, angry, blank.... He told her he'll be back by lunchtime with a new phone for her. " 'I've got to go, I do have another job apart from you.' “Claire nods, and Hardy wonders if she realizes just how loaded that statement is. Does she realize that she has the power to land him in the shit? Does she know what a huge transgression he has made? what he's doing is not a secret you could dump on anyone, not even your most trusted colleague. And D I Alec Hardy has no mates in Broadchurch nick." Then he heads back to the office. (there is a newspaper clipping up in the kitchen at the office, the headline is something like "copper run's 10K for charity", and it's Ellie dressed as a Bee doing a 10km fun run. just FYI. This is a thing that happened.)

Basically the whole story is just one shit-ass day in Hardy's life. His prescription runs out and he has to get a renewal, and ends up having to go pretty far abroad to get that renewal, Claire leaves the house to go get a phone herself and he catches wind when he goes to buy her a new phone and the guy mentions that someone have been there trying to do the same thing. Basically it just involves him traveling the city, fielding phone calls from one of the other detectives about some boys who stole some charity shop tins. He ends up successfully solving the case, nearly dying because of missing his medication, and ends the story worried that his boss is on to him already, that Claire will not behave right, and that today heralds Bad Things for his time in Broadchurch.

But he convinces himself today is just a blip, tomorrow they will charge some hoodlums with stealing Charity money from shops, and nothing more dramatic could possibly happen unless things get real violent at the egg and spoon race at field day at the school. He's exhausted, but he knows everything else to be done can be put off till tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.. Oh you poor bastard.

That’s all, and I think that’s the last of the broadchurch-associated Official Publications.

(But also I’m high-key tempted to accquire the three-season box set and scour the cast interviews and commentaries and deleted scenes for additional stuff. because I have no chill over these people, apparently)

#Broadchurch #broadchurch resources #and in case readmore is still broken #long post

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alleyesonthehindenburg · 5 years

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I think I’m supposed to be excited about spring break, but it was this time last year – exactly this time – that my anxiety got really, really bad. And I still don’t know why. It was just, drive up for spring break was bad, spring break was worse, drive down was hell, week-long panic attack and then bam! I’m in the ER having had minimal sleep and no food over 36 hours.

And then I got the meds, which have helped, a lot. But it took a lot of work on top of that for me to get here, and I don't want to do all that again. The agoraphobia was hell, especially over the summer. I can’t do that again.

Actually, yeah, I can. It would just suck balls to have to.

Uh. So what am I afraid of. Well, I still don’t know what triggered that initial awful whatever it was. Can’t avoid a trigger if I don’t have a clue what it was. Doesn’t help that it’s that time of year again, and my ambient anxiety’s been up the last few days.

Rationally, though, reasons my ambient anxiety could be up:

I’m on my period

recovering from a cold

stressing because of all of the above

So, I don’t actually have much to worry about, as far as the ambient anxiety goes. Next concern? The plane. I’m taking a plane up to Tampa at the start of spring break, and down to Miami at the end. This is because, when my agoraphobia was really bad, I couldn’t deal with the security lines and being on a plane for that long. So, this is like a trial run. It’s a one-hour flight. On the way up, my roomie will be on the same flight; on the way down, I’ll be alone. I’m feeling pretty confident about it, actually.

Sometimes I think I’m doing good and sometimes I think there’s no way I’ll be able to move across an ocean by the end of the year, never mind getting a job and paying rent and all of that.

Only one way to find out.

#raylen's continuing adventures with mental health #the egyptian escalator

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getwrekdgabs · 6 years

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Out

Peace... It’s what I want..

I want this all to stop.

I love my life, I love my fiancé.

Life just keeps hitting me in the face... one things right after another.

Everyday I wake up wondering and hoping this isn’t cancer... dates are getting pushed back and I’m left to wonder..

Is this it?

Even if it’s not cancer, they’re still taking one of my ovaries.

Half the chance for children.

If it’s cancer they’re taking both of my ovaries.

No children, the traditional way atleast.

I mean it could be worse .

Or it is worse. I won’t know until they cut me open.

I am so stressed out and worried and I have no one to talk to about it that understands .

My fiancé listens and he’s here for me but he thinks I’m worrying too much or stressing for no reason.

Two years ago I was a regular person. Just moved out of my parents house at 18 years old.

I was responsible

I did everything right .

My periods have been regular ever since they started when I was 11.

9 years of regular periods.

My period lasted 3-5 days and my period ALWAYS started 28 days after it ended like clockwork.

It all changed or atleast I noticed that change when I started taking birth control.

The dr I went too gave me the lowest dose estrogen you can have.. I still think it was too much.

I remember a month into my birth control there was one day I was in so much pain I laid - curled in a ball on the floor just sobbing. I called out of work and skipped college classes. I couldn’t move. I didn’t go see a dr because I assumed it was just a bad cramp, or a blood clot (period ) ... or anything else. Four months later I decided to stop taking the pill because of that, and it was making me crazy..

A year and a few months later on November 11th to be exact my period started .

Much heavier than usual.

On the sixth day I didn’t think a thing.

The second week I wondered what was wrong...

Two months later I’m looking for an obgyn.

I realize I can’t afford one so I wait and see if it goes away on its own.

Four months later I assume it’s my eating habits or my life style so I started to change my eating habits.

Two months later My period got so heavy I was going through a 36 pack of pads in no time. I tried to find a dr and most were booked for atleast a month.

I haven’t had any pains besides that one time. My health has changed dramatically from what I’m used too.

My period ended THE DAY before my OBGYN appointment. My period was 9 months and a week long to be exact.

While filling out my paper work my mother decides now would be a great time to tell me she not only had ovarian cancer, but uterine cancer as well.. being diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 20....

I’m 20.

As an high anxiety person.. I’m sitting naked. On a table... SHAKING. Worried sick waiting for this dr to come and give me good news .

After my exam she tells me my uterus is extremely enlarged so she orders a few different sonograms and schedules a follow up.

As I am going in for my sonogram I’m about to explode. They make you drink a pint or two of water then exam you.

I’m laying down trying so hard to keep calm . Talking to the technician as she gives me a standard sonogram. I knew I wasn’t pregnant but I’m a nerd and I love to watch scans and medical work so I’m watching her screen as she works. Halfway through my exam I see a strange thing on the screen and her eyes grow huge..

A week later my dr confirmed I had a large mass on my right ovary as well as a small mass on my left ovary.

99% chance my ovary needs to be removed

A CT With contrast is ordered.

Two weeks later Its September fourth. I had to quit my job and put school on hold because any strenuous activity can cause strain on my body. Let me remind you I live in a crappy one bedroom apartment with my fiancé. We are both only 20. Money is tight as it is.

On September fourth my dr confirmed it was a tumor. It will have to be removed and it’s about the size of a toddlers head maybe even bigger. She’s unsure if it’s cancerous but will know once they remove it and biopsy it.

My appointment to schedule my surgery was supposed to be today. October 4th.

She warned me she may be out of town due to a family relation so I’m not mad at her I am just worried !!!

My stomach has grown larger and I’m starting to have pains. I’ve been to the hospital once already and they can’t tell me if the pain is related to my tumor. They won’t touch it because my dr is doing my operation.

I’m worried because I have atleast another month to worry and wonder what’s going to happen to me.

Going from 90+ hour weeks to 0- hour weeks is so bad.. I’m used to being so busy I wanted to die. On top of being depressed I have bigger reasons why.

I should stop complaining but I don’t know how and I don’t know how to cope. I’m sorry for anyone who has ever been through this.

I am scared.

I am tired.

I know it can be much worse but along with everything else happening to me this year. It’s honestly the icing on the cake.

I wish I had money to go adventure and live while I was waiting.

I wish my fiancé didn’t have to work so much.

I wish I wasn’t so lonely.

I wish people would stop assuming I’m over reacting or I’m lying.

I just want it out, I want it to stop.

Rant over sorry if you’ve read this far

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pepperoniwhirlwind · 6 years

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~Honesty Hour~

I was asked by @lovelynhiddenkittens to do all 150 questions in the Honesty Hour tag! 😮 Thank you, lovely and curious stranger~! 😆 But since that’s a lot for one post, I’ll break it up into chunks of 50 questions so it’s easier for all my blogging buddies to digest. 😊 Starting... now! 😝

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? That would have to be Alex. He was warming my hand for me because it was ice cold. Though he doesn’t know that’s because I intentionally held my super cold drink for a really long time with that hand, then casually mentioned how cold my hand was so he’d try to warm it... >//> Introverts are sneaky flirts, what can I say? 😆😏

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy, definitely. Though there are alters in the system much more outgoing than me.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Tyler! 😄 I’ve been staying over at her apartment every weekend this past summer, and always enjoy our movie and gaming marathons. 😝

4. Are you easy to get along with? I think so. I’m not very easily angered, a pacifist at heart, and a people-pleaser at my core. 😂 So it’s pretty hard not to get along with me.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I don’t know, Alex is a sweetheart so he’d probably help, and Tyler cares but she doesn’t do bodily fluids. 😆 So, it depends. And considering I’ve never been drunk, and seem to have too high a tolerance to get drunk without having to rob a bank to fund the sheer volume of alcohol needed, I doubt this problem will ever arise. 👌

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind and funny people. 😊

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I have no idea, but I won’t rule it out. Alex has kinda been cute and flirty towards me lately, so maaaybe~? >//>

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Uh, well, the subject of the last question was Alex, so, him. 😆

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

A wee bit, yes. 😅 I put up a good facade though, but being asexual, sex is kinda... bleeehhh~ for me. e~e

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

That would have to be Tyler. :3 She’s my bestie from my ASL classes~ 💜 We have a looot in common, so we talk for hours at a time, in between movie and game marathons that is. 😆

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Context: I was spamming Tyler gifs of adorable animals earlier today.

The Text: “Aaand now I gotta get ready for therapy, so this shall be the crowning gif of adorable goodness!”

Followed by a gif of two golden retrievers fighting over a tennis ball, with a third retriever (being shoved into the frame by a fourth, offscreen, retriever) resting his head on the two dogs feuding over the aforementioned tennis ball. 💖

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

This is rather hard... so I’ll just list the songs that I listen to on repeat a lot.

1. “The Cure” by Lady Gaga

2. “Insomnia” by IAMX

3. “Middle of the Bed” by Lucy Rose

4. “All the Rage” by Allie X

5. “Wires” by The Neighbourhood

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yes. No. Kinda? It depends... If I’ve just had a shower and my hair is clean, I love it. ^w^ But if it’s been a bit and my hair isn’t all that clean I just feel embarrassed if people touch my hair. e~e

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Ehhh... Depends which alter you ask really. Me, personally? Not so much. My family has always told me our family line is cursed to have bad luck, so if I believed in such things, I guess I’m doomed. 😂

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I’ve started working on myself and my social life, strengthening friendships irl and online, or, at least attempting to. 😅 Sometimes I’m just bad at not isolating. But this past summer I’ve been spending basically every weekend at my friend Tyler’s apartment and hanging out with her core group of friends. It’s been a nice break from the chaos of the school semester. 😊

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Well, considering she’s on the other side of the country back in my home state, probably not. She was a lovely first kiss, but I’ll leave it at that. 🤭

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

With how many planets there are in the galaxy; the universe? Not to mention how many planets within The Goldilocks Zone that share a similar atmosphere to earth within the observable universe alone... How could I not think other life exists? At the very least, in some kind of bacterial form, though, I dare to dream a little bigger. ✨

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Well, I’ve never really had a crush, per se, though plenty of squishes. :3 But my first squish did not turn out well, so, no. :c

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes, especially if I go all out and light candles and play music on my phone. 🕯️🎶😌 However, I don’t do that very often. I take showers mostly.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Yeah, they’re chill people. The neighbors with the overly-territorial pitbull that kept us prisoner in our car for hours and broke into our fenced-in backyard to take massive doggie dumps out of sheer hatred for us moved away because their dog kept terrorizing the neighbourhood and was going to get put down if it didn’t stop breaking out to chase children on trikes and joggers onto rooftops. So, the neighbors we have now are awesome! 😆

21. What are your bad habits?

Sometimes I’m too honest and don’t know when to stop talking, other times I’m so socially anxious I might as well be a feature of the wall at parties. 😂 I also have trichotillomania, a compulsive disorder related to OCD, in which I get really strong urges to pull out my hair sometimes, so definitely a bad habit... Just talking about it kinda... ehhhh... moving on. e~e

22. Where would you like to travel?

A lot of places. Though Scotland is at the top of my list. Scotland is a huge part of my family’s heritage, and some of my family still lives there. So I would love to visit and spend some time in nature there~ 💕

23. Do you have trust issues?

Yes.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Well, anytime I get to de-stress is nice. I know wiping down my face with a face wipe always feels nice and refreshing after a day out running errands and attending classes. It’s the little things that are the most help~ 😊

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

All of it. If I could edit my body, that would be nice.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Hit snooze on the alarm a couple times, get up, walk to the bathroom... you can imagine the rest.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Nope, I’m quite happy with my vampire pale skin, and even my dirty blonde, curly lion’s mane of hair, and my blue eyes ain’t so bad either. I’m not completely hideous, just 97% hideous. 👌😂

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Myself. My alters. Tyler. Alex. My Tumblr fam~ 💞

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

No, because I usually cut them out of my life after they break my heart. Some have tried to stay friends with me or become friends with me again years later, but... no. I don’t need backstabbers in my life.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Maybe, someday. When the time is right, I’ll know, until then, I’ll enjoy my singledom~ :3

31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail?

Yes, it’s in a ponytail right now actually. 😆

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

NONE.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gtlo nhy (Oh gawd... What a name. 😂)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Mi-Suk used to play on tennis and basketball teams, but our spine is a little too deteriorated nowadays to attempt such things.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV, hands down. I’d die without music. I bleed music.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yep. I had a bit of a squish on this kid named Travis in elementary school and never told him. My frenemy told him I had a crush on him, and he never talked to me after that. 😭

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I either make a joke or just enjoy the silence. Depends what mood I’m in. Sometimes I’m more introverted and just want to sit in silence or listen to music instead of talk. Other times I just wanna connect with people and I tend to crack a lot of darker, self-deprecating jokes as a way to break the ice, or tension if I feel some.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

I want someone who is genuinely kind, patient, and funny. It also helps if they are neurodivergent like me, and have similar enough interests, sense of humor, etc. to my own. c: Overall, I just want to feel comfortable and safe with someone. 😊

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I buy food at Fry’s... so... Fry’s?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m already out of high school, bub. Now I’m in college, and I still have no idea. I have dream jobs, dream homes, dream lives. But none of them seem realistic.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends on the crime, really. If I hired someone to babysit my hypothetical children, and they forgot to tell the children to clean up their toys, I believe a second chance is in order. If they, however, ditched the job to mack on Paul Puffy Lips next door, leaving my children to starve, I don’t believe I’ll be giving them another call.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

It means I’m probably really socially anxious at the moment and would prefer to not be made the center of attention. o~o’

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yes, sometimes to spread cheer and joy, other times because I’m worried they’ll think I’m an up-to-no-good deviant or zombified by depression, which is how I feel at least 80% of the time, and worry everyone notices, even strangers, who probably would not assume such things, but that’s social anxiety for you. 😂

44. A trip to outer space or the bottom of the ocean?

Why not both? However, humans are so preoccupied with space that we’ve only explored 5% of our oceans. I don’t want the oceans to feel lonely, so I’ll visit them first. 💙

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Sometimes the looming responsibilities in my life, other times I just don’t get out of bed.

46. What are you paranoid about?

A lot of things, but the most pressing concern of mine is that everyone will inevitably leave me because I’m a terrible, horrible human being who doesn’t deserve friendship. 😅

47. Have you ever been high?

Every day, if I can help it. I have a medical marijuana card and have for a couple years now.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

No.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

No, not really. Nothing is coming to mind.

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

Well, I’m wearing a hoodie now, and it’s gray, with the Nirvana emblem on the front. 😝 It’s my favorite and coziest hoodie of all.

#honesty hour #asks #tony

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mineofilms · 3 years

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Pain State

Where to begin… I am writing this BLOG, well, more of dictating it as my vision is not well enough to write this conventionally, as a writer should. In order for me to see well enough my computer monitor is a 46 inch LED HDTV and it is approximately 12-18 inches from my face, at any given time.

I have recently applied for and have been denied Medicaid/Social Security Services after having serious health issues from dealing with Covid-19 in June 2020… Since this happened. I cannot work. No work, no money, no money, no health insurance and then that emergency that we all dread happens…

I have been a type 2 diabetic since 2013. When the pandemic struck SWFL I caught Covid-19, around June 26th. By July 11th I needed to be hospitalized for Diabetic Ketoacidosis (where the body produces excess blood acids; ketones. This occurs when there isn't enough insulin in the body. It can be triggered by infection or other illness.) & Pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas. It happens when digestive enzymes start digesting the pancreas itself.) I was in ICU for 36 hours and in the hospital for a total of 5 days. I lost 21 pounds over that time. I was already underweight.

3 days after I got home from the hospital, Macular Edema (blood vessels in the retina burst and bled into my eyes), set in. That took about a month to heal only for Diabetic Retinopathy (those same blood vessels that burst heal and are inflamed).

Usually requires anti-inflammatory shots into the damaged eye ball, in my case, both and laser surgery to burn away some of the excess scar tissue. These cost thousands of dollars without insurance, which I do not have. One must get treatment though.

I got my blood sugars down to near normal (high) levels. This means my blood sugar is still high, but for me, I used to walk around at 400. 500-600 is diabetic coma. 80-120 is considered normal. I walk around between 130-230, currently, fasted.

Taking care of my health was a full time job in and of itself before the pandemic. Now, I cannot work. I can only drive during the day. I cannot see well enough to drive at night. I have other medical issues stemming from this.

I am back in “ok” physical shape, but still limited. I look good on the outside and that is part of the problem. I feel the Doctors here are not seeing “the facts” and just seeing my physical look as a clean bill of health. I know there is some truth to this because my physicality comes up in the dialog. Blind is blind, it doesn’t have anything to do with me lifting up a car or not.

I have struggled with my diabetes from the start and now after Covid I am literally left with a mind/body/soul that doesn’t function at a, what was the pharse the denial letter used, oh yes…

“Based on a review of your health problems, you do not qualify for SSI payments on this claim. This is because you are not disabled or blind under our rules. Doctors and other trained staff looked at your case and made this decision. They work for the State but used our rules.”

I have had to make serious and big changes to EVERYTHING in my life.

My computer is now changed from dual 22 inch monitors to one 46 inch monitor. I have to make changes like this just to see well enough to do some things on the computer, which is pretty much how I make my keep or was...

I am still very blind. My vision has decent days and some days I cannot see much of anything. I can barely see my phone without a magnifying glass and the magnification is all the way up on it. I shouldn’t be driving at night. I have a few times… I am all over the road.

The best way I can describe my vision is take your phone and turn the brightness all the way down till you have to squint to see the icons. That is basically how I see at night. The power is turned way down. The retinopathy in my right eye is there are literal holes in my vision where the light is being bounced off my lens and all I can see is double vision in that eye on things that are distant. Distance is relative… You know like traffic lights, cars, street signs, the lines in the road.

Yet the Gov’t believes this is not an issue? Normal 9-5, Monday-Friday are out of the question, indefinitely. Not only am I not well enough for the grind, physically. My mental health is very questionable. I have had issues for years now. I have had about 20 jobs in 5 years. I have done a real number on my mental health over the past couple of years. Especially this last battle after Covid.

I have made huge strides in changing my life, my thinking and how I fit into the scheme of things. I have become more an introvert than an extrovert since getting out of the hospital. It’s getting close to a year now and I am nowhere near where I need to be to be well enough to worry about work right now.

I am trying to be more transparent. In the past it was easy, but now nothing feels safe. I am so worried about getting sick again and it throwing my health out of whack again that my anxiety takes over and I literally do nothing. I won’t leave the house, but at the same time I am so mentally exhausted, all the time… Not some of the time, all the time.

At the end of the day. I had to take 3 tests for social security… One for a physical, another for mental health and the last for vision. I could barely bend over at the physical. I cannot move around well, fast at all. I have to take my time a little now. Balance is definitely a problem. That was since Covid… Also with my diabetes and it being SWFL I cannot take the heat. I cannot do manual labor whatsoever anymore.

I cannot even workout in my garage anymore. I had to spend money I do not have on a gym membership just so I can lift a little weight under A/C. I can lift, sure but they are all controlled movements, it is a lot different than working outside in SWFL.

The mental health, yeah I am short tempered. Much more than a normal person. I forget things, important things, almost constantly. I cannot concentrate. The mental evaluation agreed that I was positive for Persistent Depressive Disorder & Intermittent Explosive Disorder all stemming from the PTSD I now have from this experience.

I am Persistently pissed off or sad, Persistently… When I Explode, which happens periodically aka Intermittently, its quite bad and it isn’t a safe situation for me or where my explosive mindset is directed at. I do my very best to avoid those situations and/or people who tend to gravitate to that.

I have had to heavily depend on medical marijuana. Other medications have serious side effects that could further complicate my diabetic state. I am not going to stop with this sort of treatment for a job where the company looks down at this as a form of medicine...

If I can be honest it has been working for companies like this for the past 20 years that led to the beginning stages of my mental health problems. As you hear a lot these days. “I do not people anymore.”

I might be able to pull off some part-time work in the future but right now. I need to get my vision and grip on both diseases; the diabetes and the depression.

Now the eyes… I have explained throughout this BLOG about my eyes. I have found a surgeon that has been giving me the injections for $40 a shot, once a month. That is reasonable. However, its one shot a month, on one eye. We have been treating my left eye. We have not yet begun treatment on the right eye, which seems to be the worse of the 2 and is the one I have the double vision in. I do not understand how I am labeled “not blind.” That alone should have been enough. Granted things are looking up but it is very much up in the air if this will improve my vision in the long game.

Now as of May 1st I have been disqualified by DEO for Unemployment/PUA benefits that I have been receiving since March of 2020. Now DEO has cut me off saying: "Claimant's unemployment IS NOT A DIRECT RESULT of the PANDEMIC..."

Wait, what? Me being unemployed is VERY MUCH a direct result of the Pandemic. Just because, I was unemployed before the pandemic now we question if my unemployment has been caused by a direct result of Covid-19?

When the pandemic first started I was on my way to starting my own business for IT/Tech/Computer Repair Services. The pandemic happened and everything closed. Kind of hard to start a business with this happening.

Then late June rolls around… I actually get Covid-19… From that point to now. My life has been one foot in/out of the grave…

• I had to be rushed to the ER…

• I lost approx. 25% of my body mass…

• I lost my sight…

• I had to learn to walk again…

• My diabetes is touchier now than when it was…

• I can only drive at night due to poor sight…

• I can hardly bend over…

• I cannot handle the heat…

• I cannot stay focused on tasks…

• Digestive Issues…

• Sleeping/Waking Up…

• Extreme Mood Swings…

All this caused directly from Covid…

Yet, I am "Claimant's unemployment IS NOT A DIRECT RESULT of the PANDEMIC..." When it comes to my current status… That little bit of money that was coming was the only monies that was coming in. If I do not qualify for other reasons then that would make sense but they are basically telling me I choose to stay home over go to work and refuse to look.

That isn’t what is happening…

I am not looking for work; because I cannot go back to work. I cannot go back to work; because I am no longer mentally fit to handle the daily stresses of “the grind.” I’m not looking for work; because I cannot see well enough to drive every single day and what if I have to drive at night? So, now I am taking chances with my personal safety and the safety of other drivers because; the state says I need to go back to work now. I am not looking for work; because my field is technical and it is hard to find technical jobs here, locally, that do not require me to drive an hour there and back each day. That is no longer an option.

So between my vision being very poor, my mental state being iffy at best, my physical condition where I cannot do any labor intensive work. How am I supposed to function, normally in society? I cannot do even a portion of what is required day in and out for me to function, for anyone to function, normally...

Would I go back to work if these issues were rectified? I would, yes, but under the circumstances that I am currently dealing with I do not see how this is practical, nor do I see how I am supposed to, “workaround” this?

While my eyes heal, I can gladly do some sort of online schooling where I can find something in my field, but doesn’t require, all the driving, stress of dealing with the grind and other people that put unwanted/unneeded stress on me that drives my diabetes out of control again.

I have to state that my diabetes is very much not in control.

That I am doing all I can to just keep my head above the water. I am not being giving the tools to get healthy and the few instances where I might get that help the State is eager to take away.

In closing I am unsure as to what will happen if I am left to my vices… Physically and Mentally I know I am losing the war. I get a battled victory here and there; but it is soon removed when something new/old comes around to take back their support.

I mean, it would be much easier if the Gov’t just put up a bunch of portable gas chambers so people who cannot win at life, being happy, stable, healthy can go in, put a few coins in the machine and be gassed so people do not have to deal with you anymore. I do not know if I would wait for my turn or not, but it is a thought.

It is said that appearances do not mean a thing… I wish society would get that along with my doctors that don’t assume good health; because Rollins Boy smashes some weights here and there. Maybe I am cursed, ha. I don't know if I believe in curses or not but I do believe in this...

“Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.” ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

State Pain By David-Angelo Mineo 5/2/2021 2,256 Words

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ellanainthetardis · 6 years

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This is part of the 52 stories in 52 challenge by ourwritingtherapy on tumblr. Week 10 : A story featuring a countdown.

I went Ark-time with this one ;) Hope you like it! [ff] or [ao3]

The Final List

The numbers kept going down. The harder Abby stared, the quicker it seemed to go.

12: 45: 23

12: 42: 12

12: 35: 47

There were still a lot of things to do before they launched the 100 dropship. She needed to go and help Jackson review all the bracelets one last time, send another memo to Kane so the man could make sure his men knew how to put them on. She would be there to supervise, of course, but... The more hands they had, the faster it would go.

Fast was a good thing apparently.

12: 31: 23

Twelve hour, thirty-one minutes and twenty-three – now twenty-two – seconds and the chosen misfits would be propelled into space toward an Earth nobody was sure was survivable. On her recommendation.

She was giving them a fighting chance.

What was the alternative? Purging the whole skybox regardless of age?

And what would happen to those who weren’t on the list?

Exactly that.

But she would have at least saved those hundred. If her crazy plan worked. If…

The knock on the door made her look up. Earth Station was deserted for now. Monitors were already up and Sinclair came and went to check on something sometimes but it was usually quiet and the place had been a sanctuary of sort ever since they had started putting it up.

The door opened without her permission but when had Marcus Kane ever asked permission for anything? The same ball of hate, regret and sorrow burned hard in her throat at his sight.

“I have the final list.” he said without bothering with hellos and how are yous. Just as well. Maybe he could learn after all. She had bitten his head off for less than that in the recent year. They weren’t friends anymore, a concept he seemed to have difficulties grasping. He was a hypocrite and she hated him and…

12: 28: 14

She took the tablet he handed her with shaking fingers, wondering why he couldn’t just send it to her monitor instead of carrying it all the way here. The project was top secret, yes, but still.

She was ready even as she lowered her eyes on the hundred names, ready to beg for Clarke to be brought on in exchange for any kid on that list, ready to argue her daughter was smart and top of her class and that she would be an asset, ready to beg and plead and promise everything Kane would want, be it Council related or personal favors…

She was stunned when the first name her gaze found was Clarke.

1. Clarke Griffin.

12:27: 36

She breathed out a sigh of utter relief. She had thought it would be harder than this, that she would have to fight, that she would have to…

“You put her on the list.” she whispered, looking up at him. She wasn’t sure what her tone was exactly. Disbelief. Awe. Gratefulness.

Kane avoided her eyes and shrugged. “If this crazy plan works, something I’m not entirely convinced of yet, her skills will be valuable down there.”

He didn’t believe in her Earth idea. He had argued against it from the start, argued that they would send the kids to a horrible death, argued that it was more human to do it gently right on the Ark…

She frowned. “Did you add my daughter to that list because you think she’s going to die?”

His eyes darted up, alarmed. “Of course not.” It was his turn to frown, or maybe it was more of a sneer. “Do you really think I’m that kind of monster?”

“I don’t know who you are anymore, Kane.” she retorted, stressing his name because she knew just how much it hurt him every time she called him that instead of Marcus. “Jaha made you do it, right?”

He stared at her for a moment, his jaw clenched and his lips pursed, irritation and arrogance burning in his gaze. “No. I did it. Because I know you believe in this project and because, contrary to what you seem to think, I just want to save our people. For those kids’ sake, for Clarke’s sake, I hope you’re right. I hope I’m giving her a fighting chance.”

“She wouldn’t need a fighting chance if you hadn’t arrested her.” she hissed, the familiar argument lead on her tongue. She had lost count of the number of times they had had that fight. “And don’t you dare say Jaha made me do it. You’re a grown man. Take responsibility.”

He opened his mouth, closed it and then shook his head. “And here I thought I was doing something nice for you that you would appreciate…”

He sounded bitter and she snorted. “What’s the price, then? For my daughter’s life? What do you want in exchange?”

“Nothing.” he snapped, lifting his hands up in front of him. “Jesus, Abby… I love that kid too, you know.”

She laughed at that, all bitter and twisted. “You don’t love anything, Kane. You don’t know how to.”

He didn’t flinch or look away, he stared her down, his lips pursing even tighter. “You’d be surprised.”

He left before she could reply and she didn’t know what enraged her more: that he got the last word or that he had managed to get to her.

Callie, she told herself, he meant Callie.

There was no other possible alternative anyway.

She refused to contemplate any other option.

12: 20: 47

She watched the numbers, anxiety receding a little.

Her daughter would be safe.

#marcus kane #abby griffin #kabby #the 100 #kabby fic #salvation my ass stories

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

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Life Story Part 36

Life went on this way for a month or so, maybe two. Zack would unveil new depths and oddities about himself everyday. It seemed to be something he made an enormous amount of effort to do. He showed me where, between his thumb and pointer finger, his cousin had once accidentally shot him with a beebee back in Minnesota. The little ball stayed between his thumb and finger and you could still feel it in there. He told me about how his heart was on the wrong side of his chest, and doctors said he wasn't going to make it past ten, but he seemed to still be around so he would probably be fine now. Everything he told me was recorded carefully and meticulously in my understanding of the whole. I should have been happy, I didn't really have to do anything, and Zack was just there everyday. But then, I found myself more stressed. I was giddy, but this wasn't fun. His paranoia went as far as he suspected that many of the people in the school and in the town had been replaced by robots. I found myself getting these waves of nausea and confusion around him. I didn't know why. I didn't know what to do with anything he said either. It seemed like making him feel better wasn't the point. It seemed like happiness wasn't the point of anything anymore.

And I was confused. He courted me for months. Just when all the stars and the moon had aligned, some force had mysteriously reset the chessboard. And then he disappeared and come back with an entirely different mindset about me. I now felt like I was under his control, but like I was more of a disciple or a councilor. Do you court people for eight months, and then give them an unromantic role in your life once you have completely overthrown their autonomic sense of reality and they are willing to walk off a cliff if you merely asked it of them? Because that is what ended up happening. And despite all of that, I would have killed for Zack. I would have done whatever he said. I felt like he had systematically taken me apart and was putting me back together in a new way. All the while, I felt cheated. I just wanted him to feel the same way for me that I felt for him. But I was willing to put myself through this for him. I came to school shaky every morning. I was not able to sleep, simply waiting for second hour to roll around once again.

Maybe too, when it really came down to it, I was afraid of the intimacy in the situation. Nobody had ever confided in me like this. There was this need to resist it, and run, but a stronger pull to give into it entirely. It really hurt. It forced me to confront Zack as a real person rather than an idea. I have a natural tendency to like people be they a friend, a hero or a romantic interest and then put them in a frame and hang them on the walls of my inner world to look up to and see the best in them. I love these people. But when I have to jump into the frame with these individuals, I feel very awkward. I sometimes see sides to these people I didn't want to see. What if I become disenfranchised and that person is nothing as I thought they were? Then I have ruined a beautiful thing, and I will have to take down the picture, leaving a barren empty space where that person used to be. But more likely than that, I feel like I am afraid I cannot live up to the great beauty that I saw in the other. So me jumping in the frame as an equal was/is hard. I feel like I am making a beautiful thing that I value less beautiful, and the stress to do everything with a novelesque perfection is very high.

Also, I couldn't tell if Zack was losing his mind or not. Maybe he was, maybe I was. Or maybe we lived in a very fucked up world that was out of touch with greater things. I had no other information to go on. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone anymore. Obviously there were no adults who understood or cared. Calling my feelings a crush didn't quite cut it anymore. I tried to explain that this was like we were speaking to one another on a higher plane of existence, but that made zero sense to my friends, what little I might have said to my mother or sisters, and it was something my father could never know about – and in any case I already knew he didn't get that sort of thing.

Sarah suddenly seemed very feeble to me and unsure of herself. She seemed to look up to me in a way she never had before, and this was largely because Zack put so much value in me. Nobody believed I had magic powers of course besides him. I never believed that either, not for one moment. But it still did scramble the way Sarah looked at me. I knew this because she was comparing herself to me in his eyes, and I could see that plain as day in the way she talked, behaved and thought of herself. It made me weary. Why? And didn't she understand that my position didn't feel good at all? Like, I was addicted to it. I was terribly addicted. But now I had to worry about someone I was in love with being schizophrenic, and secret societies. I had to force myself to think day and night about how to best live up to this great authenticity that Zack was looking for. There was no cuddling or fun stuff. This was a soul-searching mess. But all she saw really was power. That's all that Ava saw. It reminded me of something my father had once explained to me.

Though he is wrong about a great many things concerning human relations, he told me once that humans, like every animal in the animal kingdom serve and long for power. It's so engrained in us that we don't even know it. We immediately see it in other people. We search for it in ourselves. We have different language we use to disguise this fact, but every micro detail in any given situation and you will see the transfer of power between two people. Every thought you have is a search for a new way to find power, a way to maintain it, or a reaction from a fear of losing it. You can see it in the body language of any two people talking. Human beings are in a constant state of war, even at the best of times. We are a violent and chaotic animal who lusts for power, in all it's various forms. Even eastern religion, which seeks in some ways to eliminate the lust for power, is in itself a facet of the same problem. It's an attempt to wipe away temptation and desire itself, which are considered weakness or hindrances to greater enlightenment more like. I never wanted to believe that really, but I was starting to see it as a truth that I could not avoid. It was weird to think that just two years ago Sarah had been schooling me on why I wasn't cool and she was.

Ava wouldn't look at me if I talked about Zack at all. She had been acting really strange lately, well, stranger than ordinary. She was acting impulsive and greedy in just about every scenario. She left absolutely no room in conversation for anyone else. She was still funny, and I still enjoyed being around her but in a sense she wasn't fun like before. She had become vainglorious. She would call me on the phone, and then just talk without hearing or responding to anything I said. It was getting to where I didn't like her calling me anymore, though I didn't want to admit that to myself. I took her phone calls more and more reluctantly.

And Samantha was not really apart of 'the group' anymore. Sure, she ate lunch with us, would share her pencils and paper. She seemed to like Sarah okay, and was still around us, but she had her boyfriend up in Moscow, Adam and what happened between her and Adam, or sometimes other guys she talked to on the internet was all that mattered to her anymore. And there was nothing about our little lives that interested her really. She had ambitions to go to college, and I think my attitude against the institution of our little lives kind of annoyed her. She wanted to work with the system that existed, excel and get by. Not question everything to bits hoping to tear down society and restructure it in some new way as I was naively beginning to propose at the lunch table on lunch break.

I remember quite distinctly waking up every morning riddled with a massive amount of anxiety and adrenaline. I would feel sick to my stomach, but excited. Everyday something compelling and new would happen, and I was changing rapidly. In the class that Zack and I did most of our talking FFA, there was another class going on for a very small minority of seniors who were learning how to weld. And there was this smell of burning metal that I will never forget. It mixed with my anxiety, and I imagined myself to be an animal being helplessly ground into a machine with that unnatural smell all around me. And then Zack's eyes. It all muddled together and when I think of it now, I still can almost smell it. I would always start my day by listening to Vegetable Man and Baby Lemonade by Syd Barrett. Ava had burned me these two songs to disc and I would listen to them on repeat every morning as I got ready. Then, I would I'd skip breakfast and fly up the hill. I could feel absolutely no pain in my legs at all, which was weird. If you have ever run for your life, in total fear, then you might get my meaning. Your legs just don't register the pain. I was rushing up the hill as fast as I could. Once I got to the top, I would look down at the school on the other side of the hill and see if I could spot Zack. He would often be waiting for me, a little tall green flannel speck with blonde hair waiting for me.

One of the times I ran down there, and first thing he learned the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody over the weekend and was just being absurd and singing off all the lines. He had taken out the time learning all the lyrics just so he could be entertaining and funny and sing them to me when I got to school. Zack also made me tapes of his songs. He mostly covered Nirvana, but also did a Jimi Hendrix song, The Rolling Stones, and Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground. He sounded like Thurston Moore if Thurston Moore was drunk and trying very hard to sound like Jimi Hendrix. At the time, he I thought he was the best singer I had ever heard.

Because I had not signed up for Driver's Ed in January, I missed out on a fair amount of time that I could have spent hanging out with with my friends and Zack. I was already beginning to see the error in my ways. How could I have been so dumb? How had I not realized that Zack was going to be in the class? So twice a week for several months I was forced to hear about how they all would hang out in the elementary school. Zack would often say that he really wished I was there. But what could I do? It was too late. And there was a part of me that was skeptical about my ability to drive. My father's girlfriend Tammy had taken me out for a drive on an old dirt road, and I had mistaken the break for the speed peddle and in a panic I had pointed the car to veer off the road and into a ditch. I had fortunately found the break milliseconds before we would have flown off the road. Tammy had me get out of the vehicle and we all drove back. I felt very strongly that perhaps there was something wrong with my common sense when it came to things like this. I could not immediately tell my left from my right either. In fact, a lot of this stuff seemed to be somewhat of a genetic gift from my mom. I had always grown up hearing about what a terrible driver she was, and how she should not have a license. And she couldn't tell her left from her right very quickly either.

Zack and I never did end up going to prom, though, my other friends all went did go. I didn't own any dresses or any nice clothes at all really, and I would have been too afraid to wear a dress if I had owned one. So I stayed home. Samantha and Adam went together Sam wearing just a t-shirt and fishnets. Ava's mom had bought Ava this gothic nurse uniform. And they had gotten the DJ to play Marilyn Manson and it was a grand scene I am sure, the entire redneck community reeling angrily the horrors of 'The Nobodies' (I do imagine that Marilyn Manson would have been quite proud).

Perhaps I should have found a way. But I really felt like there was this bridge between me and the rest of the world. I no longer could be a part of the world somehow. One may say this was depression, and maybe there was some of that. It just felt like I had a duty to distance myself from society. I could no longer feel comfortable in any group. I had troubles even standing with my friends in a circle. Because, were they my friends? Were they really? Even if Zack were wrong about most of what he had said about secret societies running the world, or especially about the whole robot replica replacement thing (dead wrong on this one for so so so many reasons), there really was no ignoring that I was starting to see this pattern with people. I had followed along my entire life, but something had always seemed wrong. Some little voice in the back of my head always knew something was up.

This reexamination of society was the starting point to me thinking critically about things. I was wrong on just about every assessment I made about society, psychology, aesthetics, philosophy and whathaveyou when this all began. Zack wasn't really all that correct about much – nor was he the bag of wisdom I made him out to be, but ultimately, this was the beginning point for my discourse with life itself. I have never woken up a single day of my life without a serious question formed and ready to analyze. I can reach back to before this time and understand myself emotionally, but honestly most of the thoughts I had before this time were quite primitive. I have troubles connecting with my former self intellectually. Seeing my first fourteen years of life is more like watching a movie of a stranger doing things that I barely understand. I was still me. I recognize the emotional wiring of that young girl quite well, as well as a few other inclinations. But my thought patterns were not much to speak of.

Tammy and I went to the Metallica concert. The concert was being held in a very large stadium up in Spokane. Our seats were very far and very high up from stage itself. I had never been in such a big stadium in my life, and as we went up the steep steps, I worried that I might fall. I relied more on an enormous screen projected for the masses to watch, to get a decent view than we did from actual eyesight alone. From eyesight alone, the members of Metallica looked like toy wrestlers you might buy at the dollar store. I was more excited about Godsmack. I've gotten over Godsmack and Metallica now. They don't resonate with who I am anymore. But I will give them something. The singer of Godsmack had this strange moment where he went into this strange chanting episode and stopped playing music that people recognized. He played these strange drums, and it was very trance inducing and dissonant and almost had this otherworldly vibe that made me feel strange. He did this for about ten minutes. I personally was most impressed with this part of the show than any other part of the show and to this day it's most of what I remember. The drummer of Metallica kept passing out, and then they would drag him back to the drums upon his request. I have no idea if this was a stunt or not.

That Easter was a strange one. I ended up having Sarah and Ava over for a sleepover. We stayed up late, talking and laughing about various topics. My father came home, and was snoring so loud that the entire upstairs and downstairs rang with the sawing sounds of his snores. Then Tammy came over late and drunk. We could hear her drunken steps going up to my father's bedroom, and much to my disgust, they began having loud ridiculous sex. My friends and I all held our ears. It's never been my idea of fun to listen to my parents going at it. It seemed to last forever. Eventually, all three of us just started holding our ears and singing over the noises, but nothing seemed to stop it. I knew they must have heard us singing as loud as we could, but they didn't seem to hear. Ava pointed out that there was no way that Tammy wasn't faking it.

Later that night, after my father and Tammy had fallen asleep, Ava started getting paranoid and freaking out. It was three or four in the morning, and we were all sitting in my old room next to the stairs, and they too could hear the footsteps through the house that belonged to no one marching up and down the steps checking room to room. I was used to the ghost noises. But my friends were horrified. And then we started hearing footsteps outside the window. But there was no one out there. Ava was being so out of control with her loud panicking that I was beginning to ignore her. It was unsettling. But as far as I was concerned, nothing was even a fourth as scary if your friends were there with you. These girls didn't know the half of what I dealt with alone. Ordinarily, this kind of thing happened when I was alone. It was eerie as hell, made me feel paranoid and sick to my stomach. I would get scared, force myself to lay down frozen and then force myself to go to sleep to end the agony of thinking about who/what had walked up to my door and had stopped.

I decided to try to ignore Ava's manic hollering, who was more of a nuisance than the noises outside my bedroom window were and everyone knew that she did this kind of thing off and on for attention. She kept insisting to me there was a ball of light outside my bedroom window. I didn't believe her and told her to stop. She kept insisting that there was one though. So I looked out there, and sure enough, there was a light that was moving around in suspension. It wasn't with such bright intensity that you couldn't see through it, it wasn't a perfect orb. It was slightly blue and more soft in texture. It moved a little bit, and then would move back. The outside of my window was a covered porch. It moved up to the ceiling part of the porch. I just kind of watch fascinated, and in all curiousness, I tried to find a light source. There were no street lights that would have created this. It was not beaming from any particular direction. Tammy and my father were both upstairs asleep. It just stayed there by the window, and eventually floated away.

In FFA, by the draw of a hat, Zack and I were placed in a group together that would be our project in that class. Basically, we had to come up with a farm structure. I knew nothing about agriculture or farming and had zero interest, but Zack said he knew a little bit and we would muddle through it. Also, in our group was this older popular athlete named Casey. He told us first and foremost that he thought the both of us were dirty trash, and he had no intention of failing this class on account of us. Just because we lived like degenerates, did not mean that he wanted to as well. Eventually, he talked Mrs. Gulke into getting out of our group, which she complied. Zack and I spent the first two weeks just talking. We got nothing done besides that. Then, in the last week or so, we started working on it. For me, it was kind of embarrassing because for there to be a Sanborn-Brunes joint family farm, would that not mean that one or both of us had to be related by marriage? It just seemed kind of obvious that most of these types of these shared arrangements were brought on by a marriage of some type. I remember little of the details involving this project, other than that Zack was insistent that we have a lot of silos and some kind of aircraft to drop the seeds. Zack had an older brother named Jimmy who flew planes for a living. Jimmy had been Zack's mother's first son with another father, but the child had been taken away by her mother due to her being mentally unstable. Zack's mom had been institutionalized for mental health reasons in the past.

When we went up to do our report in front of the class, Zack did most of the talking. And somehow we passed.

It was becoming painfully obvious that Ava could not stand me being Zack's friend in any way. When Zack would come up to talk to me, she would literally use her physical body at times to separate us from conversing. It was so absurd that it was becoming comical. I no longer had any doubts that Ava was jealous, it was too obvious. It did upset me a little bit, but then I did remember that Zack had told me that he didn't think Ava was a very nice person. What I didn't understand was why he thought that. It had seemed to me that everyone had liked one another just fine that winter. I was tired of beating a dead horse, but I still felt like there was something missing.

One day, I think it was for a health class, our health teacher decided to take us for a walk. It was a bright sunny May day. Jason was back in school. I remember as he was walking with us, he walked ahead of us and went into some old geyser's house to ask for a cigarette and come back. Ava was trying to separate herself with Zack. We all watched as she shoved between me and Sarah, and was standing so shoulder to shoulder with Zack that it was hard for him to walk without touching her. And I remember he finally had to stop her and tell her to give him space. He told her he specifically just wanted to hang out with me that day. Ava was infuriated, and she ended up walking away to walk with Teal instead. Zack and I walked together. I was so happy. I felt like things were finally back to normal. On our way back to the high school, Zack held my hand and we sort of skip-walked and sang Buddy Holly by Weezer.

I was blissed out. Zack regarded me over everyone else. I knew everything was going to be alright and work out in the end. The world softened. I remember thinking that it might have been one of the best days of my entire life as I laid on my bed saturated in glowing happiness after school. I could finally put the uneasiness of the previous months behind me. Then Ava called.

Ava had something to tell me. She seemed upset and nervous. I tried to hide it, but some part of me already knew somehow. It had been unable to form in conscious thought, but somehow I had known. She wouldn't quite tell me until I coaxed her out of it. She finally told me. She had fooled around with Zack. During that fateful basketball game that I had been unable to attend, she made plans with him to go to his house after school. He initially had wanted me to go to his house, but she had found a way to intercede with this and go alone. And she had initiated the whole thing.

The air was knocked out of me. And I felt sick. Nothing was real anymore. As she got more comfortable talking about it, I could tell she was actually enjoying the fact that she could tell me, mostly to brag really. I couldn't move, or talk. All I could think to ask was, 'did you kiss him?' She was confused by that upsetting me the most. She thought all the sex stuff was going to bother me, and it did. But the idea of him kissing her made me the most sick.

I ended up getting off the phone. I was disembodied. I thought about killing myself, but I didn't have any real way to do it at the moment. Plus, my little brother and sister Allison and David were home, and that wouldn't have been right. I couldn't really breath. I was dizzy, falling in and out of consciousness. There is a threshold of pain where, you are besides yourself with pain, and you are able to consciously recognize 'I am in pain.' This is what most pain feels like to a varying extent. But I was not able to do that. I was pain. Pain was all there was. I didn't even know what I was doing. I filled the bathtub with the hottest water that would come out of the tap, and I got in. It burned. My skin grew red. My head was burning. The water hurt me less than my mind did.

Eventually I crawled out of the tub when I hit a point where I couldn't take it. I curled up with a towel in the corner and I tried to scream but nothing came out. I felt myself floating out of my own body, and I seemed to look down at myself in the corner. And then I don't remember anything until I woke up an hour and a half later.

I was shell shocked at school the next day and for the rest of my time in school. I told Sarah about it. She seemed shocked and thought that was really fucked up. I think she tried her best to step outside of herself and understand, but there was no way she could. I just felt empty and drained and used. I felt like Zack had used me in his own way. Ava had used me. I was a fucking idiot. I could see through things now. The world was a cruel place and there was only ever any meaning if you were the one who held the power. I thought very seriously about death. I thought it might be better if I simply killed myself. But I didn't do it. I just kept living somehow. Zack continued to talk to me more or less just the same. For a week there, I fully expected the world to end. But the world is a funny place like that. Everything can fall apart, and yet it just seems like things keep going. I watched Allison and David play outside with their friends, just as I had done when I had been younger. My dad carried on his relationship, BBQing chicken outside. Cars commuted, the school buses went their normal routes. Ava and Sarah found other things to talk about. The world was not going to end for me, or anyone else.

I became very monotone in person. The only time I let myself have thoughts or feelings was behind a pencil or a keyboard. I stumbled through my classes mostly observing the rest of the world that I could never be apart of again. I had spent several years taking typing classes, and I had never been able to type very fast, but now that I had racing thoughts, I had suddenly overnight developed a knack for typing at a rapid pace. The keyboard was an extension of my brain. I would come home from school and write every day. They were no longer suicide letters or dear diary entries, but loose ideas about how I thought the world operated, or metaphors of what life was.

I also lied and told everyone I no longer had a crush on Zack. This was true, but not the way people thought. I no longer thought crush really summed up how I felt. Aside from being deeply disappointed that he had given into Ava's desperate need to get laid. I felt the love that I had for Zack had transformed into an agape type of love that was hard to even put into words. Like I had known him all my life. I took my feelings, I locked them up. Nobody I knew had the right to see the real me anymore.

It actually wasn't for another week that I heard the full story. Ava, Sarah, Teal and Sam, all of them had known, but nobody had told me. Zack had been dating Melissa since November. On the weekends, he had been up in Moscow with his sister Whitney, Melissa, and her older brother Josh. That means that all the times he had said he loved me, held my hand, tried to kiss me, all the things he had said, or expressed to me had been kind of like cheating. It had all been empty. I had been living a complete and total lie. And then what he had done with Ava had most certainly been cheating in a way that was empty and dishonest. It was so dismal and I was so disappointed that I had to laugh at how horrible it all actually was. It was the kind of thing that punches you in the nose so hard that it's almost funny. Samantha – to give credit to her indifference, had been the one who had told me the truth. Sarah had only known for a short time. Ava had known for several months, and so had Sam, but she just hadn't felt like telling me anything because it didn't matter to her. I was in the library, and Sam told me the truth.

What I felt then was more like anger. And of course it as Melissa all along. She had been the one who had taken interest in me to begin with. She had been the one who had infiltrated my friends and gotten them to throw rocks at me, the one who had known I had liked Kyle when I did. And yet, I really didn't dislike her. I didn't think that any of this had actually been her fault. She didn't know about what Zack had been up to in Kendrick, or about Ava or me. It would have been convenient to pin this all on her somehow, but Zack was at fault. There was no other way about it.

My friends just accepted that I didn't like Zack anymore. Sarah may have partially understood that I was not being entirely honest, but it was something that I think everyone wanted to believe was true. I learned how to put on an ere of indifference. I asked Ava details about what she had done. It made me sick to hear it, but I knew that if I wanted to be the kind of person that faced the truth, than I needed to put my feelings behind me, or test my own feelings by allowing myself knowledge that hurt me personally. Perhaps there was a level of self destruction in forcing myself to listen to the fine details. Ava was all too happy to tell me.

In details of how she had gone about it and why, I learned that Teal had pushed and supported her going and doing this. In Teal's eyes, I was a weak female who didn't know how to take what I wanted in life and therefore didn't deserve it. In fact, I deserved to have failure rubbed into my eyes. She thought that girls like me deserved to get hurt. Also, she didn't think friends should have any dibs on guys. If you had more power, and your friend was dating someone you liked, it was in order that you ruthlessly take what you feel you deserve. Might makes right. When I asked Ava why she had done it, she had told me she was horny, as if that was obvious and a good enough answer. I was really baffled. I couldn't believe a person would just destroy their friend's life like that just because they were horny. I mean, did she not have hands?

I also talked to Sarah. I think Ava was trying to get me to turn on Sarah, and I wasn't having any of it. I started thinking back to the beginning of the year when we had still been friends with Katie. It was only now that it truly occurred to me that Ava had screwed Katie over and manipulated her, much like she was trying to manipulate me. Why would she do this? When you looked at Ava's history of friends, none of them stayed, and many people seemed to have a strong negative feeling towards her. I understood now that this was no accident. Ava was a bridge burner, and she did it for no better reason than she was insatiable, and was good at finding new bridges. She burned me as soon as she was able, without a second thought.

When talking to Sarah also, I carefully crafted a question. I had always felt she was jealous. But there had never been any proof. She was polite, kept her distance. But she seemed highly dissatisfied with Zack and me just the same. I phrased it carefully, and I asked her 'If you could magically go back in time and replace me, so it had been you who had gotten close to Zack instead of me, would you do it? She was nervous. 'Yes'. Her voice was shaking over the phone. I closed my eyes.

I went home the day I found out that Zack had been dating Melissa this whole time, and I was angry, but not at anyone in particular. This seemed beyond help. I was angry at the world. Everything was one massive cruel joke. I had tried hard to be such a good person, and it meant literally nothing to no one. I was the weak fool who saw the best in everyone and it had ended up leaving me burned and broken. I took one the kitchen chairs, and I threw it as hard as I could. The legs shattered. I threw the pieces until the chair was a heap of wood. I realized that I had created an enormous knick in the wood floor. That knick is still cut into that floor to this day.

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19 notes · View notes

sapphyrelily · 7 years

Text

Four - Haunted

I completely lost my original idea for this, I’m sorry this is rubbish.

Crumpled notes in a bin, cold, cutting remarks. Brushing off of concerns and turning away, silence stretched taut, unyielding.

It is painful, unexpected, but most of all, it makes him constantly nervous with the thought of what have I done?

(He doesn’t recall doing anything bad – he doesn’t know what he has done to create this rift between them when they were doing just fine before.)

(But maybe he does know. Maybe he does have an inkling of what has transpired to force them into this situation now.)

He’s tried to take it back a million times, but nothing seems to be working.

Semi presses his fingertips against his chest, above the painful thumping of his heart.

The pressure eases the pain a little, but he can’t hold the wound closed like this forever.

x.x.x.x.x

It’s never been this bad between them. Yet for a month so far, they’ve been walking on eggshells around each other – or well, Semi has – and it hasn’t been sitting well with him.

(He wakes up every day with a pool of dread in his stomach, relieved only when he escapes their room.)

(The panic comes back whenever he thinks of going back to their dorm at night, and even studying in their room has become an ordeal.)

(He counts himself lucky that his roommate likes to study in the library.)

His routine has never been so defined, never been this accurate in order to avoid Shirabu.

…ironic, because they can never truly escape each other when they share a room.

Yet the tension between them is clearly seen, evident in the meals that they no longer share with each other – one bento in the fridge instead of two – and in the times they spend out of the room.

(And in the minutes that they have to face each other in the mornings, when their schedules overlap, they exchange tight smiles or their eyes don’t meet.)

(Semi can’t remember when was the last time that he packed Shirabu’s bag because he was late.)

(That’s a lie, because he can, he can, how could he forget?)

Their arrangement is so bizarre, yet their friends seemed to have accepted it, not mentioning the other unless they really have to, allowing them to steer the conversation away once they are done.

Semi wonders how long it will take for him to go crazy.

He wonders if he’s already gone mad.

He has dinner so early these days, preparing a few days of food, taking the leftovers to school. His food is not touched by anyone else in the fridge, and it both relieves and confuses him.

He can see the containers that Shirabu uses, and steers clear of those as well. He’s not ready for another fight, not just yet.

He’s only properly distracted when he’s in class, and it’s the singular place that he throws his spare energy into. He sits in the front rows, recording the lectures, re-listening to them before he studies the material, and it’s not until Kenma points out how much he’s doing that he realises it may be a little over the top.

(But he doesn’t care, can’t care, because he’s drowning in panic and the need to protect himself, and he doesn’t know why.)

(He knows why, but he’s pretending that that reason doesn’t exist.)

He wonders if he should apologise again, even though he’s done nothing wrong, not really.

…he feels so guilty.

But still he says nothing, pressing on with his (slightly) destructive method of coping, throwing himself into studying, even when he can’t focus and all he wants to do is curl up and sleep his problems away.

x.x.x.x.x

He starts a text at least five times, erasing all of it before he can get far.

He doesn’t hear the lecturer’s voice in the recording sometimes because he’s too caught up in his worry, and studying one topic takes thrice as long.

The exams are ticking closer, and he’s worried about them, but he can’t bring himself to focus, no matter how hard he pinches himself, no matter how many times he tried to regulate his breathing and clear his mind.

(Maybe he is going crazy.)

(Why is he so bothered by it?)

(He did nothing wrong.)

(It’s irrational to be thinking this way, but he can’t seem to stop.)

(Why is he so bothered? Shirabu irritates him to no end on a normal day, and yet now, it feels like he’s being torn apart.)

(It doesn’t make sense.)

He tugs his legs up on the chair and wraps his arms around them, staring despondently at his notes.

He has an exam in five days. He can’t be worrying, not right now.

x.x.x.x.x

Everything he sees makes him a little more paranoid, a little more frantic. The notes he saved from before their tiff seem incriminating now, jokes and camaraderie like a slap to the face. Every time he opens the drawer to get something, he catches a glimpse of them, and it makes him bite on his lip nervously, a shot of fresh dread in his veins.

Once he can no longer take it, he gathers them up, stuffing them into an envelope, burying its plain face at the bottom of the drawer.

(He wants to burn them, to get them completely out of his life, but he can’t, he won’t.)

(He’s not that brave, and he knows he’ll regret it after.)

His roommate has no such inhibitions, he knows–

–the day after their fight, the dustbin down the hallway was stuffed full of Post-Its, every one of them bearing his handwriting.

He never knew there were that many.

He never thought he kept them all.

(He thought he was the only one, and now it’s too late.)

Sometimes, a memory will creep up on him, worn to fading, aged with time, and he sees them in a different light now. He sees what he has never seen before, and he hates that his vision is so clouded.

(He doesn’t know what’s the truth anymore, and it frightens him.)

(Are his current feelings messing up his old memories? Or were they always that way?)

(He doesn’t know, doesn’t know, doesn’t know, and all he wants is for this anxiety to end.)

(How long has it been now?)

He turns over to face the wall, exhaling shakily, squeezing his eyes shut tightly, refusing to let more emotions rise.

He should be above being this hormonal and frantic. He never knew he could feel this horrible. He never imagined wanting to die this much.

(Maybe he’s being a little dramatic, but it’s true.)

He buries his face in the pillow and tries not to scream, praying for sleep to come.

x.x.x.x.x

He almost doesn’t hear the knock at his door, and it takes him too long to get up and open it.

He’s surprised to find Kenma there.

The younger looks at him a little sourly before relenting, gently shouldering past him to flop on his bed. “How’s the studying?”

“Not good,” Semi admits, closing the door and curling back up in his chair. “I’ve been transcribing this one for five hours. I’m almost done though.”

“When was the last time you took a break?”

“An hour or two ago?” He can’t remember. “I’m so mad at this lecturer, how can she talk so much?”

Kenma shrugs, his eyes already glued to his device’s screen. “Do you want to come play volleyball later?”

Semi pulls an earbud out of his ear, painstakingly typing the latest words into his notes. “…no, not really.”

“You haven’t been in forever.”

“The exam’s on Monday and I have three lectures left to transcribe.” It’s hard to keep the desperation out of his voice, the barely-concealed hysteria from boiling over. “This one’s taken me so long, and I still have to revise everything again after, I don’t have time–”

“You’ll do fine, you’re always studying.”

“No, I’m not.” His fingernails dig into his palms, and the pain is too dull, not enough to wake him from the misery ready to engulf him. “I’m not doing enough, I don’t remember anything.”

Kenma glances up at him. “You’ve studied a lot,” he repeats. “You’ll do fine.”

Semi exhales heavily, fingers moving to his wrist, nails digging into the thinner skin. “I’m going to keep transcribing this.”

He turns back to his computer, and Kenma doesn’t say anything, not for a long while.

But the moment he finishes and saves that particular lecture, he hears him again. “Would you come and play after exams, then?”

Semi pauses, glances at him over his shoulder.

(Muted panic rises in his chest, a dull listlessness weighs down his arms.)

“Maybe,” he hedges.

(He knows better. He can’t play.)

(He hasn’t set a ball in forever, hasn’t served in longer, but he knows he can’t do it.)

(Volleyball no longer brings him joy.)

Kenma nods. “I’ll go, then. Do you want to come for dinner some time?”

“Maybe.” He’s worried now, about who will be present. He’s not ready to deal with people, not after his abstinence from social interaction. “Who would be there?”

“Futakuchi, maybe Kuro, maybe Koutarou.”

“Let me know, and if I’m done studying, I’ll come over.”

“’Kay.” Kenma waves a little as he lets himself out. Even he knows that it’s not worth staying, and the thought makes Semi smile bitterly.

He stretches and picks up his water bottle, shaking the sleep out of his head.

No one has time to sleep, especially with so much to do.

x.x.x.x.x

The exam is a lot harder than he thought he would be, and he’s glad that one of his acquaintances wanted to run over some questions beforehand, because those questions had appeared in the exam.

(He probably got them all wrong, but he doesn’t care.)

(He has about 36 hours to prepare for his next exam, and he wants to die already.)

His phone buzzes, and he opens it to find a message from Kenma.

[Kenma]: Dinner tonight?

[Eita]: Only if it’s short

[Eita]: Last exams soon, I need to prep

[Kenma]: dw, it’ll be fast

[Eita]: What time?

[Kenma]: 6.30?

[Eita]: k, I’ll come over

He wonders how much studying he can squeeze in before he leaves, though he’s sure he’ll spend it procrastinating instead.

(He does spend it procrastinating, but he feels so dead that he doesn’t care.)

He knocks on Kenma’s door a little before the stipulated time, unsurprised when Futakuchi answers it. The brunet grins at him and launches into a list of complaints about his own exam and how nerve-wrecking, anxiety-inducing and stressful it was, and how it shaved 10 years off my life.

Semi listens to him with half a smile, amused with his shenanigans and relieved at the distraction it brings.

His smile just about slides off his face when they reach the kitchen and he spots the other two people there, because he has not prepared for this and he’s not ready to deal with this yet.

Shirabu doesn’t even look at him, so he supposes that’s a good thing.

What’s not so good, he thinks, is how Futakuchi is trying very hard to get them to talk to each other.

“Shirabu, stop staring a hole into the table and be more social.”

“You’re being social enough for both of us,” the brunet replies, eyes never leaving his notes. “I don’t need to do anything.”

“You could help me with serving the food.”

“Yes, that I could.”

Futakuchi grumbles in the background, but doesn’t press the issue.

Semi feels like fainting.

He somehow makes it through dinner without making much conversation, other than replying when being spoken to, and complimenting Kenma’s cooking. It’s not as tense as he expected it to be, though he does notice that Shirabu is pointedly ignoring him.

(It’s not a surprise to him, and it is somewhat relieving to not have to make conversation, since he doesn’t know what to say.)

He’s the first to volunteer to wash up after the meal, and Kenma quietly joins him, leaving the bickering of the other two behind.

The sound of the water isn’t loud enough to hide their voices, so he can’t fake deafness when Kenma says, “You can’t avoid it forever.”

Semi scrubs at a stubborn stain, refusing to reply.

Kenma takes the clean dish from him, wiping it dry and setting it aside. “Eita.”

“Hmm?”

“Talk to Shirabu.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Have you tried?”

“Yeah.”

(Once or twice, with awkwardly phrased words, receiving curt answers, and being too cowed to try again.)

Kenma is quiet for a bit more, and nearly all the dishes are clean when he tries a second time. “How do you know he doesn’t want to talk to you?”

He can’t control the frantic, choked chuckle that slips out. “He’s been ignoring me for nearly two months.”

“But…”

“But nothing,” he whispers, because the water is now off, and the other two could eavesdrop if they wanted to. “If he doesn’t want to talk to me, there’s really nothing I can do about it. I’ll just move out next semester or something.”

“I could ask him what’s wrong for you.”

“No, it’s all right.” The panic is back, because he doesn’t want Kenma to know, doesn’t want anybody to know. It was a dumb reason to be fighting, yet he can’t seem to get over it. “I’ve done my best already. He’ll talk to me when he’s ready. It’s just how he is.”

Kenma looks slightly unconvinced, but doesn’t press him for more.

(Yet.)

(He knows he wants to know, wants to help, so he will badger him later, or send someone else to do it.)

(Sometimes, he wishes Kenma wasn’t such a good friend.)

He announces his departure as they re-join the others, and Futakuchi complains loudly when he says he needs to study.

“Come on, one day of not studying won’t kill you–”

“I have 35 chapters to revise and each will take me at least half an hour.” Semi doesn’t mention the huge amounts of procrastination that is sure to happen. “I definitely need to study.”

“I should go too.” Shirabu pushes away from the table, and their eyes lock, holding a second longer than they have in two months. “My second last exam is tomorrow, I need to finish revising.”

Futakuchi clicks his tongue at the both of them, but Semi catches the quick glance he shares with Kenma. He feels a little miffed that they are both working against him, but he can’t really blame them.

Their goodbyes are said too fast, and then they are trudging back to their dorm, the silence sharp, menacing.

They are almost there when the fragile soundlessness finally breaks, but it’s not as dramatic as he thought it would be.

“Do you want to stay up studying with me later?”

An olive branch, a proposition of a truce.

Semi nods. “Sure.”

Shirabu exhales lowly, slowing to a stop, and Semi turns to face him.

(His eyes are sharp, accusing, hazel boring into cocoa.)

“I know I’ve been even more unsociable lately, and I’m a little sorry about that.”

‘Even more unsociable’ doesn’t cut it, but okay.

“But I was still a little mad at you over that thing.”

“I’m sorry,” Semi tells him, hoping he sounds sincere. “I truly didn’t know.”

Shirabu rubs at his neck, looking at a point above his shoulder instead of at him. “Is it weird that I trust you when you say that?”

“Sort of.” Semi tries for a smile, though he thinks it falls short. “I didn’t think you trusted me at all.”

“After what happened? I’m surprised I still do.”

Semi exhales loudly, steeling himself. “Listen, I’m really sorry about what happened. If I could turn back time and undo it, I would. I had no idea, and I feel really guilty.”

Shirabu looks at him strangely. “Why would you feel guilty if you didn’t do it on purpose?”

“Because doing something like that by accident feels just as bad as if I had done it on purpose. I don’t want to do that to anyone, and I’m sorry that I did it to you.”

Shirabu purses his lips. “It’s alright, I guess. I’m mostly over it. I trust you when you said you didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Being dishonest isn’t in my morals, and I would never have done it on purpose. But still, sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” Shirabu rubs at his face, looking suddenly tired. “I’m going to believe that you didn’t, and let’s move past this, alright? We have more exams to deal with.”

“Alright.” He doesn’t feel better about it at all, but it makes him feel lighter, now that he’s tried to explain his point of view. “Shall we?”

The brunet turns to lead the way, and he follows, the tiniest bit of the burden lifted from his heart.

…of course, one apology doesn’t make everything better in an instant.

They are the tiniest bit friendlier to each other now, though he still feels nervous, on tenterhooks around him.

(He doesn’t believe him completely when he says he’s not mad at him, because he’s been around Shirabu enough to know that he can hold a grudge forever.)

(Their combined study session is more of a self-study marathon with someone sitting beside them, poking each other awake and complaints about the number of chapters to go.)

(But it feels slightly less tense than the previous months, and he’ll take what he can get.)

x.x.x.x.x

It’s not until after his last exam that he feels like he can breathe again, even though he’s certain he flunked it.

There’s something about the end of exams, the end of months of stress, that leaves him drained and empty. He flops onto his bed and stares at the ceiling, tension sapping away, and wonders what he should do next.

The room door slams open and he twists his head to face it, only half-interested.

Shirabu looks surprised to see him. “I thought you’d be out celebrating the end of your exams.”

“With what friends?” Semi asks him drily. “I’ve become a recluse in the last few months.”

“I think Futakuchi’s done with his. I know Kenma’s definitely done.”

“Futakuchi’s in almost all your classes, he can’t be done.”

“Uh, well, yeah,” Shirabu looks suddenly sheepish, before his face resets to forced neutral. “Could I kick you out anyway?”

“That’s polite.” Semi sighs and swings his legs off the bed. “Yeah, I’ll go ask Kenma if he wants to game or something.”

“Thank you.”

“Is there a reason you want me out?” Semi tosses his jacket over his shoulder, picking up his bag with his free hand. His next words are stilting, awkward with his lack of surety as they are birthed. “If you’re having someone over, you could just say so.”

The brunet looks a little red, he thinks. “Well, yeah.”

Semi feels a small smile tilt his lips up; a sliver of apprehension lances him as he tries for a joke. “Should I not come back tonight at all?”

Shirabu’s sudden spluttering has him laughing, and it lifts his mood a lot more than he cares to admit. “Okay, okay, before 11?”

“How about 12?”

“Or I could just stay at Kenma’s…”

“Don’t imply things.”

“Don’t forget to actually study,” he teases, exhaling round his sudden lightness, edging around him to get out. “Good luck.”

He doesn’t hear his reply – if there is any – and walks towards the stairs with half a smile, daring to nurse the hope that their relationship – friendship? – can be salvaged.

x.x.x.x.x

He doesn’t know what set it off, but he feels like he’s staring down the barrel of a gun.

‘Metaphorically’.

The quiet patter of fingers on a keyboard, doubled and beating out of time. Two sets of hands play at the falsehood of a tune as they lie engrossed in their own worlds, discordant harmonies.

The companionable not-quiet, suddenly split open.

“Why did Shirabu kick you out?”

He never replied, he realises, in the true silence, with cat eyes appraising him over the top of the laptop.

“He didn’t,” he hedges. “I left of my own will.”

(They both know it’s more of a question than a statement.)

Kenma tilts his head at him. “He had someone over.”

“Why would you ask if you already know?”

The blond stares at him, unblinking. “I wanted to know if you knew who he’s seeing.”

Who he’s seeing.

Shirabu was seeing someone?

He shakes his head; it feels slow, like he’s submerged in treacle. “I don’t.”

I don’t know what he’s up to, anymore.

Kenma slouches, sinking back behind his screen. He takes that as a signal that the conversation is over, but his fingers feel out of place on the keys, and his focus is gone.

“Go back early.”

“That’s not polite,” he murmurs, more to his dying character than his friend. “If he’s having his partner over, he ought to have the privacy he wants.”

“It’s your room too.”

“I said I’d be back after 12.”

“It’s your room, too.”

“Kenma.”

“Eita.”

“Do you have a point in all this?”

“Maybe.”

A sudden weight on his back, and the powdery smell nearly makes him sneeze. “His point is, go back and find out who this fella is.”

“Why are you invested in this?” He asks Futakuchi, and feels the slight movement that could be a shrug.

“I’m curious.”

“He’s nosy.”

“Kenma, you don’t have the right to say that to me.”

“We’re nosy.”

“Say curious, it makes it less incriminating.”

“You mean neither of you know who’s this mysterious person he’s seeing?” Semi asks, amazed. “I thought he was only not on talking terms with me.”

He sees Kenma’s eyes lift, and almost feels the look the roommates are exchanging over his head.

“He wasn’t telling anyone.”

“We weren’t even sure there was a someone.”

“But now we know there is, so…”

“You two are incorrigible,” Semi tells them. “I’m not doing it.”

Kenma shrugs. “We’ll find out eventually.”

“Yeah, because he’s a rambling drunk.”

“Get him over when his exams are done.”

“Oh, you bet I will~”

Semi shakes his head at them and turns back to his game. It’s not his problem to deal with.

“So, why is it a partner and not a him or her?”

…but Futakuchi insists on it becoming his problem, it seems.

Semi almost tells him, before remembering that it isn’t common knowledge. “I’m not explaining this if he didn’t already tell you.”

“Aww, why not? It’s nothing big.”

He reaches up and gently knocks Futakuchi on the head. “I’m not outing anyone without their permission.”

(It’s over, it’s over, it’s in the past–)

(But it still haunts him, a mistake he can never be rid of.)

(Gold eyes appraise him over the edge of the laptop, a tiny question in them, and he can’t hold their gaze.)

The brunet is oddly silent before he slides off his back. “Okay. That’s fair.”

Semi raises his eyebrows after him, but Kenma only shrugs.

It seems that they can come to an agreement, sometimes.

(And though he pretends, he pretends, he can see the slight understanding forming in Kenma’s eyes, and he thinks he knows.)

(How he was privy to information that his roommate isn’t supposed to know, that no one else should know.)

(Semi can’t look at him anymore, for fear of finding an accusation there.)

x.x.x.x.x

He can’t stop thinking about it now that he’s alone – a partner? Who? What? How?? – and now he’s five minutes earlier than he thought he would be.

He sighs and unlocks the door loudly, hoping it is enough to announce his presence. “I’m home.”

There is no Welcome back, and he peeks around the door to see an empty bed, a desk full of scattered notes and an empty spot where his roommate’s shoes would usually be.

Well, then.

He shuts the door quietly and snaps a picture of the empty room, sending it to his nosy friends.

…hopefully they wouldn’t bother him about it.

His phone vibrates with twin messages, and he rolls his eyes before throwing it on to his bed.

Too much to hope for, it seems.

[Futakuchi]: I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO THE MYSTERIPIS PERSON IS N WJERE THEYVE GONE

[Kenma]: look 4 clues

[Semi]: come over and search yourself then

[Eita]: too much effort

(Not just too much effort, but too much commitment, too much pain.)

(They promised a truce, to keep out of the way, to keep past matters in the past.)

(But now it’s rising to the surface, a bloated corpse, and he can’t ignore its foul presence.)

Short breaths, unrestrained panting, grunts and high-pitched keening. The vicious press of lips, teeth and tongue fighting for control.

Both battling to come out on top, fighting a war that has already been lost.

This is their consolation prize.

He sighs and runs a hand over his face, pressing down on his eyes, relishing in the sharp sparks of colour.

He would not go there again. The past is the past.

(Except it isn’t, when he looks to the unmade bed that isn’t his, the sprawl of notes on the other side of the room.)

(The past is here, and nostalgia is a living being, breathing down his neck.)

Semi steps carefully towards the mess, picking up notes and straightening things, eyes not lingering on things he was not meant to see.

But once he is done, his fingers linger by the unmade bed, skin trailing over fabric, ridiculous hopes rising.

In a second of bad decisions, he sits. Pulls the pillow towards himself, burying his face in its plushy surface.

Camellia and laundry detergent.

Familiar, familiar.

Haunting.

He smiles wryly, a little sadly, and lowers the pillow, replacing it on the bed. Smooths out the indent of his face, straightening the covers.

He gathers his things for a shower, and does not look back.

(Cannot look back, refuses to look back.)

A memory of hands pressing together, palm to palm. Fingers intertwining, briefly.

The whisper of a promise.

“It means nothing.”

“Don’t remember this.”

…but he can’t forget, not the events that came before, or the ones after.

He can’t forget his only solace in those times, and how it shaped him differently.

(Perhaps he should, perhaps he should, but in truth, he’d never give up those memories.)

(It’s too late to turn back.)

#hq fanfic #semishira #semi eita #shirabu kenjirou #kozume kenma #futakuchi kenji #cygnus #my writing #haikyuu!!

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currently-namelesss · 7 years

Text

Tag game!!

We were tagged by @squizzlezsquash

1. coke or pepsi: Kio: Both // Theo: PEPSI

2. disney or dreamworks: Kio: Disney..or maybe dreamworks..but Disney..but… // Theo: tbh aren’t they the same thing??

3. coffee or tea: Kio: Tea // Theo: Tea

4. books or movies: Kio: It depends on author/director but I guess movies in general. // Theo: both, I love reading bc it takes away my anxiety but movies are more comfy, I guess it depends on how lazy I am

5. windows or mac: Kio: mac? // Theo: well the only computer I’ve ever owned (and used) is a mac so mac

6. dc or marvel: Kio: Neither._. //Theo: Don’t bring up DC around me, I’m a hardcore Marvel fan

7. x-box or playstation: Kio: Neither // Theo: both?

8. dragon age or mass effect: Kio: Idk, neither // Theo: what is this???

9. night owl or early riser: Kio: Night owl, don't fucking touch me, talk to me or look at me in the morning // Theo: both-ish, I’m such an early riser tho, it doesn’t depend on what time I go to bed in, I will wake up at 7.30 AM and bother people

10. cards or chess: Kio: Idk?? // Theo: cards, I wanna learn chess tho for the grown-up-points

11. chocolate or vanilla: Kio: ChocolaaaaAAAAaaAAaaAate // Theo: CHOCOLATE:

12. vans or converse: Kio: Vans are more aesthetically pleasing // Theo: both? I love my three pairs of vans and my four??? pairs of Converse

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: Kio: Vad kallar de mig?? // Theo: dafuq

14. fluff or angst: Kio: Fluffy angst? // Theo: fluff?... or... uhh angst? depends on the angst tbh...

15. beach or forest: Kio: Forest // Theo: both but at different times

16. dogs or cats: Kio: Kittycats! They understand me // Theo: doggieeees (join me...)

17. clear skies or rain: Kio: Both, not at the same time tho // Theo: both omg

18. cooking or eating out: Theo: 1. facio kio, jag kan inte skriva efter dig hhhh(!!!!!) och 2. both? I love eating out because it’s a nice feeling but I get panic attacks before that soooooo // Kio: Eating out stresses me out, so cookingburningthehousedown

19. spicy food or mild food: Kio: Both, again // Theo: I used to hate spicy food, but I grew some non-existent balls and I now love it.

20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: Kio: Christmas (but isn’t yule and christmas same shit?) // Theo: Idk bro...

21. would you rather forever be a little cold or a little too hot: Kio: A little cold, I'm already hot so // Theo: I already have a too high body temp the rest of humanity sooo uhhh Hot I guess

22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be: Kio:Copying other superpowers // Theo: telepathy/reading people's’ minds

23. animation or live action: Kio: Animaaation // Theo: Animaaation

24. paragon or renegade: Kio: Vad kallar de mig? // Theo: idk bro

25. baths or showers: Kio: Showers, baths makes me angry // Theo: BATHS OMFG I TAKE A 2-4 HOURS LONG BATHS EVERYDAY

26. team cap or team ironman: Kio: Neither // Theo: HOW ARE YOU DO THIS TO MY HEART?!?!?! (team cap tots tho but shh don’t tell tony…)

27. fantasy or sci-fi: Kio: Neither, again // Theo: both??!

28. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they: Kio: “Älska mig alltid, eller jag biter dig i strupen så du dör” (Love me always/forever, or I’ll bite your throat so you die), “Spilling my m&m’s”, “My heart flutters”(like a tiny bird’s wings) OR “Love is a little weird and life's a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall in a mutual weirdness and call it Love” (or just any fucking dr Seuss quote like hit me up with one of those and I'll probably marry you) Did y’all see what @squizzlezsquash wrote tho?? I thought I was going to cry wtf is this language //Theo: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

29. youtube or netflix: Kio: YouTube // Theo: both, but youtube

30. harry potter or percy jackson: Kio: Haven't read Percy Jackson so..? // Theo: HAROLD POTTER

31. when you feel accomplished: Theo: When I can look at the day that just went by in my bullet journal and see everything’s crossed out. // Kio: After a really nice poop idfk

32. star wars or star trek: Kio: Haven't seen Star Trek so idk // Theo: none

33. paperback books or hardback books: Kio: HHHHHHARDBACK BOOKSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH // Theo: oh fuck… I love both but paperbacks are easier to take with you...

34. horror or rom-com: Kio: I get way too scared and paranoid bc of horror so it ain't that one // Theo: horror, rom-coms makes me cringe waay to much

35. tv shows or movies: Kio: Movies..I think… // Theo: tv shows

36. favorite animal: Theo: sharks and crocodiles/alligators (my favorite crocodile is the nile crocodile) // Kio: You can't just say “favorite animal” like that! Like a pet or? What species? From which part of the world? What size? In what kind of climate?

37. favorite genre of music: Kio: V-Kei or K-pop // Theo: metalcore/deathcore and k-pop

38. least favorite book: Kio: Bonjour Tristesse… // Theo: the books we read in literature history this year in school like fuck me they were bad

39. favourite season: Kio: Sweden has like three seasons; Winter, less winter and one week of summer and I LIVE during that one week // Theo: WINTER (even though I can’t go out properly during it)

40. song that’s currently stuck in your head: Kio: The starting line “Best of me”// Theo: MOVIE by BTOB mixed with Wake up by B.A.P

41. what kind of pajamas do you wear: Kio: Just my underwear and sometimes a shirt // Theo: whatever shirt I wore that day?

42. How many existential crises do you have on an average day: Kio: I lose count when I wake up, like my whole life is a crisis // Theo: depends, I go from none to like 457357141845081354187541 a day

43. If you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be: Theo: my mum’s favorite song, it’s a swedish song called Gabriellas sång. // Kio: I have a whole playlist for my funeral, I can't choose one?

44. Favourite theme song to a TV show: Theo: the big bang theory’s or hawaii five-0 // Kio: There are a few anime openings I like but I don't think I have a favorite

45. Harry Potter movies or books: Kio: I'm not that into HP so idk // Theo: As a person who has read them in swedish, english and spanish I think that speaks for itself.

46. You can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. Will you do it?: Theo: no, because I don’t want to make it become canon. I want them to do it on their own. // Kio: Nah, tumblr y’know

47. What are your favourite flowers?: Theo: black roses, but also any white flower that are reallyyy white // Kio: WHAT KIND OF FLOWER?! Small flowers, bushes, trees, bigger flowers, bright coloured flowers, flowers with nice scents, cool flowers?!

48. Is there a language you really want to learn?: Kio: German, Korean and Sami. I'm studying Japanese so I guess that's another language. // Theo: korean, irish/celtic, finnish (just to be able to use noni in legit sentences) and I take Latin and Mandarin in school atm so if they count then those two too

49. What was a moment that you said something then realized, “wow, I’m such a (insert hp house here)!”: Kio: Niet. // Theo: it happened a lot when I was younger but not anymore

We don't really know who to tag so feel free to do it

#tag games #what was up with all those fandom questions

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mmjjbbaannkkss · 4 years

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2020 March 8-14 Dod yn ôl at fy nghoed.

While the covid-19 is odd, it doesn’t scare me, there’s even a possibility that training until your immune system is low, for four years, and being around many viroids, that just taking a rest week, and eating the oranges nobody is buying, will be enough. Long post. I’m going to go to the gym to see if it’s open in a few days from now, but generally speaking, it’s time for a break.

Yesterday, two days ago, I somehow jammed my outer wrist, and it’s an injury that can cause serious af problems later on; the ball of my left foot keeps getting cramps, after getting new shoes the ankle and perhaps posture improved, but it’s another worry; and my back, obliques, traps, all in knots, so the next phase of training is just walking and stretching and reading books outside. In the fresh air, in the park, laying down in the forest and inheriting what it has to offer. Playing outdoors builds immunity, the microbes and extremophiles we share with the planet will steer our evolution, this might just be an upgrade to the next immunity level on the way to Mars, and you can get the vaccine at PHARMACY when it’s ready. If you’re not already healthy.

It was sad to see people with masks that don’t work buying things they don’t want, which is why I park across the pond at the supermarket Christmas eve and laff at them, today went to buy eggs, and panic buying had cans and tp empty, even tho like i keep telling the lefties, capitalism doesn’t stop just because the demand goes up, and they keep panicking anyway, site to store, distribution centers to home, wait in line, etc. All you’re doing is driving the price up.on yourself. I literally have libertarian prepper amounts of food, so this is rather Sodom and Gomorrah territory, and why I study the logics, the stoics, and the zenists. I do have to worry about mom’s cats, but again, capitalism isn’t stopping, i’d bet manufacturers are popping corks before the next quarter starts.

Isometrics, outdoor cardio if you’re urban, calisthenics, are perfect options if you’re still aversive. I’m going to finally do my taijiquan, walk in the mornings, stretch outside, read books, actually enjoy my tea, and meditate. Food reduction is mandatory when not exercising, your calorie intake/expenditure, caloric deficit measures. I’m going into a cut, and so you don’t have to, meditate for hours on end. Eat small, meditate on my emotions and senses, controlling my metabolism with my mind, confronting how perceptions and emotions control me and resolving my fears of social anxiety, especially now. I’ll be sure to post my cutting diets and my carb-less fever dreams of the chocolate cake from Portal 2.

My ancestors lived on muddy rivers in homes dug right into the earth, this virus isn’t exactly neighboring raiders or attackers after our knee-high mud paradise. Wuhan closed it’s last makeshift hospitals. Be logical, don’t get emotional, or get emotional in a preworkout-fuled rampage IG story and fight locals for the crown of TP mountain.

No I don’t want you to transmit, yes I want you, to look up the symptoms, and compare them to other viroid symptoms, yes you should look at the physicality of those getting it, and those who aren’t. Some of you may need perspective before causing fear. It’s been suggested to practice “social distancing” and my inner child is ROFL at the idea that I’m not already. I’ve been doing the Vulcan salute for 20 years, and now everybody tryna jack my steeze. I’m taking a week off, or more idk what the gym plans to do, and it only took a global crisis to trigger it. It’ll also allow time to see if I present any symptoms while not spreading disease. Practice hygiene and some civility will follow. LLAP

Celebrations Held at Wuhan’s Makeshift Hospitals After City Closes Them Down https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJLC1WInVzQ

PS I’m going to post regular updates proving i’m not sick, not disproving that I’m not freaking out right before the zombie apocalypse, but just to post and inform to entertain your time, if i can figure out how to talk to the camera again, it always feels rehearsed so be kind.

>workouts/notes

Week 6 (mixed: heavy neg & fst pos)

#31 Heavy Push

Treadmill 5 > Shldr Press *6/1030507090 > Lat Raise *6/10*4,15? > Hoist *6/35*3,50*3 > Chest press *6/507090110130150170- > Dips *8/6/666/66 > Pec Deck *8/100*3,115130145160175- > Smith Bench *6/100*3,150-1 > Tricep Machine *8/b mñn v e/prolly, 304560 > Pullover Press *8/50506060 > Twist *8/506070 > Treadmill 12, stairs 25-, 5

Shldrs wanted 20 more nice place tho, lat raise cld better but not sure if by cable or db; hoist idk if improved but feels better, where started doing double sets bc pwo, chest press finish low glycemic, dips above avg doubled ended bricked up biceps, smith bench should've pumped bricked hundo instead of 150, was a challenging final rep; pec deck finally in range reps worth repeating, quizás the pwo, a little warm; triceps would've been better at cables, pullover PR if I did them right; still weak left obliques, maybe I'll take up rock golf at the lake;

Singularity's entire new album >>>>> https://youtu.be/eyirbcaGbC8

A few days without legumes feels fine; we are the masses that can't park straight until mid May;

½ L, 4 eggs, c rice; ½ L, sammich; veggie straws, gym, pwo ½ L, ½ L lite, ½ L water, done; veggie straws;

#32 Lite Pull

Treadmill 15 > Palms-In pulldown *7/7085100*3120*2 > DB 1-Arm Row *7/15202530355065 > Wide Lat pulldown *7/30*2,50*5 > Pulldown/over *7/30*3; > Shrug *7/60*3,100*3,150? > Row *7/100*7 > Delt Deck *7/15202530354250 > Preacher Curl *7/5050656580809595105105- > Straight Bar Curl *7/20303030404040- > 1-arm cable curl *7/15*3,20*3,25- > Treadmill 5

Chaz Cardigan, Not Okay

Defrosting windows. ½ L 30g whey; 4 eggs, 2 potato toast, ½ L+; 4 eggs, 2 potato toast; gym, 1 L pwo, veggie straws; c rice, 4 eggs; ½ c cottage cheese, mandarin, 2 bread, spinach artichoke dip, cheese, ½ L 30g whey;

#33 Heavy Legs

Treadmill 15 > Mule *6/5050707090110130 > Horizon Press *6/1030507090110130150170190210- > Deadlift supine curl *6/60*5- > Hack Squat *6/x > Leg Ext *6/1030507090-1 > Leg Curl *8/305070 > Heel Raise *8/30507090110 > Side Bends *8/(2)152535506580100? > Chair Crunch *8/7590105120135 > Press crunch *8/ > Stairs 25, treadmill 5/2;

Bad session, mule stress, horizon press possible PR, deadlift/curl better, skipped hacks b/c possibly last week didn’t mend before retrain window //drove to officeplace for errand across shopping centers 5 min// leg ext better form maybe better reps, leg curl better depth, heel raise worse/cold, side bends PR get some, chair crunch improve better form, would like to do slower crunches, muscle confusion, almost press crunch, but was there way too long, circa packed start, weird wrist…

My right wrist or forearm has become stiff, inflexible at first, might have slept right palm left face and hyperextended it, idk so much,

Everyone washing their hands, wiping down equipment, not jumping in front of me, brodin wut

Svartport, Orbit Culture; After gym, grocery store, home, had crockpot chicken mediteraneano, ½ cup rice, ¼ L 15g whey, fell asleep; woke, ate a piece of cheese and another ¼ L, watched a show, back to sleep; however, none-not-theless, i’d only had breakfast and ½ L liquids before gymming, by the time i got home i was past hangry and into cold;

C rice, ¼ lb gr beef, ½ L 30g whey; ¼ L 20g whey, $1 cashews, gym, 1 L +pwo, 1L electrolytes; chicken mediterraneo, rice; muffin and milk, slice of cheese;

#34 Lite Push c/lb/x >> FST

Treadmill warmup > Shoulder Press *7/10303005507070 > Bb Raise *7/20*7 > Plate Lat Raise *7/10*7 > Incl BB Bench *7/60*7 > Chest press *7/50*3,70*3,90*3,110*3 > Crossover *7/20*7,25*7 > Pec Deck *7/100*7 > Pullover *7/x > Tri-bar tricep *7/15153030454560607575 > Twist *7/507090/x > Stairmill 25, treadmill 5/2

C rice, 4 eggs, ½ L 30g whey; 2 mandarins, ¼ L creatine/aminos, 1L pwo lite, 2 mandarins, ¼ L creatine, done; 1 country biscuit, ½ cup cottage cheese; ¾ med chicken bacon ranch pizza; piece of cheese

#35 Slow Pull > Treadmill warm-up 15 > Lat Pulldown *6/305070 > Low Row *6/100*5 > High Row *6/35506580100- > Chin Up Palms In *6/666- > Facepull *6/202530355065 > Shrug *8/100*3,150*2- > EZ Curl *8/203030505050 > Cbl Curl 1-Arm *8/15152020 > Preacher 1-Arm *8/15153030454560-60-1 > Twist *8/ > Stairs 25, treadmill 5/2

Cup of rice, 4 eggs, 1/2L 30g whey; fries and 2 cups coffee; Angus burger; pause,

#36 FST Legs > /halt

#covid-19 #coronoavirus #gym #powerlifting #bodybuilding #immunity #cure #how not to #how to #how to fight #how to stop #health #wellness

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