my mom is so confusing sometimes. at first she was like "you shouldnt get presents for us adults just focus on your sisters"... then she sends me a gift of what she wants o.o so i did the same. I sent her a link to cramp twins dvds & a sketchbook and said either of these would make me happy. im actually happy she sent me what she wants this year idk it kinda makes me happy. like christmas is actually way easier when you tell people what u actually like. Like for yrs we did not do this and now me and my mom are... Mind blown.

⊹₊ ⋆ seasons results! ⊹ ࣪ ˖

⟡ part one ⟡

so usually I try to write it down from the day i start and document the results from then but I literally forgot lmaoo so heres it broken down into every couple days/every week! ima keep this method tho ngl because its so useful but this is probably gonna be a long post bc i wanna be as raw as possible w ya’ll.

season one: jdnavsthewrld ⋆𐙚 ₊ ˚ ⊹ ♡

overview

so first and foremost—my season is going to be filled with all of my designs blowing up, making hundreds of dollars a week, improving my relationship with my boyfriend, and getting a new charger. I wrote out everything in detail so that way it was easier for me to understand exactly what I want like shipping out orders and stuff in my new car, taking a trip to NY, collaborating with some designers that I really like + meeting some designers as well, having hella photo shoots, etc! so it starts off with me getting a new car, it’s easier for me to process all of my orders and get yarn/make clothing just because I have a more efficient car.

dec 3-10

this week was full of me reminding myself im living in my season and my whole idea is about my buisness blowing up and a new carr so ngl its already blown up a little cause someone posted my skirt but it slowed down and now its picking back up. one thing that I’m trying to remember is that I’m not going to know how good it is to have a lot of sales unless I know what it’s like to have lower sales like understanding the duality of owning a business that not every single day you’re going to have the most ideal amount of sales, but that time to be creative and breathe will definitely lead you to that outcome in the long run. I made 4 sales this week so its definitely making me feel a little like imposter syndrome like this cant be happening blah blah blah but I quickly redirected my thoughts to, “what happens in my season? my business was meant to blow up, this is what I’m meant to be doing.”

dec 11-18

okay I made 6 more sales, when I started I had 25 now I’m at 35 so I feel hella confident because I’m constantly falling asleep doing SATS. I can literally feel all the excitement and anxiety and nerves that come with an abundance of success. I sold my biggest custom order to a new client, this two piece set and a fur skirt so I’m like damn. its only bigger and better from here. another thing I added was me and my boyfriend are getting better and connecting more and I feel like our relationship is definitely growing in a healthier way. I made around $300 this week from my pieces so I cant even be upset if I wanted to (,:

dec 19-25

so okay new updateee I sold another 3 item set so I made another $100 this week, mind you im writing this the 21st so the week’s not even over yet, and I feel hella confident in my season. I finally finished drafting everything thats happening. im also having a lot of fun maintaining that it’s already mine. I literally spend so much time vaunting. I was meant to be a designer. of course I have sales, im that bitch. people loovee my clothes cause who else is doing it like me? literally nobodyy. this is what gets me to feel more confident too, if you’re not reassuring yourself who is yk? and my relationship is sooo goodd 🥺 like its been so peaceful and my bf has been surprising me with pinterest dates and shit like what is my lifee!!

ima come back and update after my moms bday, I always have a routine for the new year which is expelling all old energy. like cleaning my room, donating clothes, i also sage everything, make new sigils, wash my hair and alll my clothes so yeah lol i have a feeling the new energy will be beautiful.

dec 26-jan 2

okay I’ve been learning how to sew and I’ve been getting really really good at it. like making my own pieces by myself—before I used to have my mom help me, but now I actually know how to sew fr. I wanna show y’all so ill insert some things ive made/been making. ngl tho I think ima give it like a week or so more to really saturate my mind because I been listening to this sub by slade and its really been helping but I gotta focus on consistency! so thats really what im focusing on through the 15th so more updates around then!! my goal is to have more posts and get ready for a mini photoshoot.

jan 3-jan 12

jan 4th.. coming up with designs that are exactly what I envision/things that ive never seen knit or done in this style. made my collab post but skeptical about when I should make my collab collection so well see but I feel like the things im making rn are multimillion dollar designs like I can feel it in my core. also about to clean my car out soon to trade my car in for the charger of my dreams, apparently my parents were looking for chargers for monthsss and didn’t tell me cause they wanted to surprise me.. for reference y’all I literally have a charger sub i made 5 months ago and was so in my head about it but now i feel like my mind is fully saturated. every time I drive, it feels like im already in a new car, I imagine it in the driveway. I already have it in the 4d so its beyond mine in the 3d.

jan 7.. omg so update, I literally cleaned my car out today and I’m trading it in on friday like what the fuck is my lifee I knew it would happen but this was the first time where I realy put my foot down and envisioned myself driving the car literally everywhere. I race ppl like im in a charger already lmaoo the planes were bound to align sooner or later!! ill insert how it looks when it gets here yall we might have to order it but this is the first step in my journey—I get my charger, my design acc blows up, and so forth. (;

okay hi guys I made 2 sales recently and I just got my charger, everything literally feels like it’s falling into place and it’s kind of surreal. I think I’m gonna make a part two for my results because this post is getting helllla long but I GOT A 2023 CHARGER STX and tbh I wanted an R/T but the only one I could get was 2015 so im just hella happy I got a brand new car and it looks EXACTLY HOW I WANT—black rims, spoiler, it looks so mean!!! ugh im in love. peep my noface air freshener from my last car (,: and it only has 10 miles yall… I love using seasons so much

next post coming by valentines day! 💋

itgirl ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Invalidating your own trauma

A "nugget" from a recent therapy session that I keep coming back to...

My therapist said that a good way to look at your own trauma is through the lens of someone who didn't experience it that way. Because our childhood trauma is normal to us, as it's often all we knew as kids as we're often in cultural bubbles. So our friends, cousins, etc often have similar childhoods to our own, so it can feel like that's what almost the whole world is like. But it's not, of course. They said that when someone had a mom that drank everyday, they often will feel like 'everyones' mom drank too often/too much. And they can point to things like how you can walk into retail stores and find baby onesies that say "I'm the reason mommy needs wine." to show that it is "normal" to drink all the time. So they might feel like having a mother with a drinking problem is something they shouldn't have trauma over. But to me, someone who had a mom who almost never drank, and who I have literally never seen drunk even once - it's SO understandable to me that having your mom rely on drinking as a coping method, or worse - be an outright drunk, could be scary and damaging. They are going to lack emotional presence, you may not feel like they are 'in control' in the ways they should be, you might be afraid of them, you might feel like you have to step up to take care of things when they're drinking. You are likely to think its normal/healthy to use alcohol do deal with big feelings rather than learning healthier methods. Of course that's traumatic! And for me..."normal" is having a parent who doesn't ever connect with you on a deep emotional level, who regularly is frustrated with you for needing anything from them, it's feeling emotionally alone your whole childhood, not going to anyone as a child when bad things happened to you because you knew the support wasn't there. It's being desperate to be 'good' and a severe people pleaser yet still routinely getting yelled at and otherwise punished for making age-appropriate, human mistakes despite trying your best. It's having to shut down your feelings regularly as you weren't allowed to be angry, hurt or sad in most cases but especially cases that involved your parents' behavior, and being ignored or rejected on the few instances where you were so desperate as to ask for help. It's walking on eggshells to try to avoid angering the adults in your lives because if they got upset, you couldn't feel safe. I have no idea how common it is. But there are people who grew up with parents who they could go to when they had a problem with a friend at school. Or when they were scared of the dark. Or when they were sexually abused. Or when they started their period for the first time. There are children who grow up being taught how to feel their feelings not shut them down or avoid them. Who don't think twice about taking up space, because they've never had routine experiences that taught them that they needed to be 'small' to be safe. And those people would see my idea of 'normal' childhood and go gosh, of course that is damaging! Maybe even 'I can't imagine having been a child and not feeling like I could turn to my parents when I was scared/hurt/upset! That's wild!" rather than be like me and think 'that's just how it is, I shouldn't be hurt by this.'

3/9/24

I survived the funeral and all the peopling it required.

Here is my food for today. I did get a couple dog walks in, but no real "cardio". I felt drained so I took a nap. Got up and finished my book: Waisted by Randy Susan Meyers

Book summary: 7 women of mixed backgrounds go to a weight loss mansion. They realize they are getting fed amphetamines and that the film makers are working on a different project than they are told.

Kinda like the show, The Biggest Loser but book form, with an ending that ends with most women being thinner but focusing on body positivity.

I got this book because it leapt out at my the 1 time I was in my local library because they just changed their hours to close at 7 pm instead of 5 pm. For Cripes sake...it was my major pet peeve because I moved back here 5 fucking years ago and could never use the library.

So what are my thoughts? Rambling thoughts from a lonely, socially isolated person in search of connection and meaning that isn't caustic or traumatic:

I understand that thin privilege exists. The way people treat me now is different than how people treated me 120 pounds heavier. I have the same heart. I care about people very deeply, still. I just look better because I am eating less and moving more.... Yada Yada Yada.

I was lucky enough to not have a mom that criticized my body, but my dad did- constantly. His sisters were between 100-120 pounds. I hit that by 7th grade! That is also close to when the dieting started for me.

In 9th grade I was about 135-140 when I had a leg injury that didn't heal. I gained almost 20 pounds in a couple months and I never got it off after that.

By my junior year I was in the 170's. He tried to manipulate my weight class and had me eat more all summer only to realize that we couldn't jump weight classes like that so I had to crash diet from 210 to 176 in like 3 weeks. It was torture.

After that I spent some time focused on other things in High school that I had never gotten to do before.

By sophmore year of college I was 210 or higher. 220 by the time I started dating. After I got a sit down job I spiked to 240 and it was impossible to get below that for the most part, even with some severe dieting and regular exercise.

And over the year, working a desk job, you gain if your output and input don't align... as mine obviously didn't. I was eating too much. I dealt with a partner who was a diet saboteur and I did a lot of stress related emotional eating (job shit).

But realistically I was also unable to maintain a calorie deficit in a sustainable way. So the diet culture mentally that didn't help me were things like the "last meal" concept.... because the "diet starts tomorrow." "I'm on vacation" & "Cheat" meals were also bad ones. Being in party mode and over drinking was another terrible one. I would drink 4+ cocktails and eventually eat a fuckton of greasy food to cover it up... (and often puke in the process. Like I said OVERDRINKING). Using exercise to offset overeating was another one. I may think of more later.... but also having lots of junky foods in the house and going out to eat constantly didn't help.

I feel like I am doing good on my current trajectory. Healthier and healthier every day. I am super excited for this process to end tho.... it is starting to feel like "Will it ever end?"

I had some vegetables and a half sandwich at the funeral luncheon also. But here is from the lunch at a sushi/Ramen place on...

I mentioned I took a nap right? And I am about to cook dinner.

💕Know Your Tumblr Friends💕

Tagged by @callsign-crow, @itshoneywhatever, @mafiatsunafish, @merryandrewsworld, @perishablealex, @renai-chan in different versions of the tag game, so I just took all the questions and answered them all in one post, if ya don't mind, you lovely souls! 💕

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Name? Starts with a P. It's a pretty common name where I’m from. (But you can call me Red here 😉)

Were you named after anyone? Nope.

Pronouns? She/her.

Where do you call home? Belgium.

Sign? Aries.

Time? 11h49 (I’m HUNGRY.) (Update. I ate and it was fries and homemade burger).

Fav band/artist? Hans Zimmer (composer). But I love many other composers! I don’t exactly have a fav band or artist as it’s not the kind of music I listen to (OST-Forever-Girl).

Do you have kids? No. I don’t want kids right now, I’ll wonder about that muuuuuch later. (Although I’m a cat mom at the moment.)

Use sarcasm a lot? I do sarcastic quips all the time… xD

First thing you notice 'bout people? Their smile. :)

Eye color? Hazel Eyes.

Scary movies or happy ending? Happy Ending FOREVER.

Special talent? *blank* (Too hungry to think of one... xD)

Your hobbies? To talk about something NOT related to fandom, I like Sudoku and Word scrambled games.

Any pets? It may be shocking to all of you, but I have a she-cat. A red she-cat. *grinning*

First pet? Twas a hamster….:D

Favorite animal? I love felines and birds of prey VERY MUCH.

Cereal of choice? As a kiddo it was Miel Pops, now I do the healthier version of honey cereals when I do eat cereals. And I occasionally eat oatmeal as well.

Are you visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner? All three of them, depends on what is it I’m learning.

Playing any sport? Used to be tennis. Now I do walking and running, and I’d love to swim again!!!

How tall..? Small bean of 1m58.

Favourite subject in school? Latin in secondary school, and my American and British Literature at Uni, as well as all my Law and Judiciary classes. Instructive, especially because I now understand the related news.

Dream job? I don’t even know anymore… I’m completely lost. ☹

Favorite scent? honey and lavender, and strawberry.

Do you believe in astrology? Absolutely not. "Not in any god, not in myths and legends." (Although it’s pretty cool to read about myths and legends! :D *mythology nerd*)

How many playlists do you have on spotify/apple music? 0 because I refuse to use spotify or apple music. :D

Sharpies or highlighters? Both are good!

Song that makes you cry? Songs don’t usually make me cry. However, OSTs do. I’m HIGHLY sensitive to Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron/The Last Samurai/LOTR OSTs.

Last song? Dela by Johnny Clegg (That’s right baby, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE SONG! :D)

Last series? still ER! (I mean there are 15 seasons or so, and I’m watching season 5)

Last movie? I was in the middle of ‘While you were sleeping’ but couldn’t finish due to stellar internet connection. :(

Song that makes you happy? Ain’t Worried by OneRepublic, Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins, and the Rickrolling Song! xD

Do you write/draw/create? Don’t EVER ask me to draw. I’ve started to write, which I’m still surprised about, I guess you could say I create some Top Gun content as well? Like silly posts about my fav pilots! :D

Currently working on? My Cheerleading Top Gun Sideblog. I’m still in the building process but it’s been fun so far! I discovered or rediscovered REALLY amazing content!!! :O <3 Writing-related? Dr. Goose Bradshaw Series. YUP. THAT’S RIGHT. 😉

When did I create this blog? Dunno…2013/14?

What I post? I reblog A LOT. And I LOVE adding to posts when inspiration strikes! xD Right now? I’ve posted several Top Gun  Recs Lists. (Top Gun and Top Gun Maverick have bewitched me body and soul!)

Other blogs? The Sideblog I was previously talking about can be found at @timetobuzzthefandomtower.

Do I get asks? Very occasionally 😊 (Though I don’t check it very often, so very sorry to anyone who might have sent something, I promise I’ll get back to you!!! <3)

Followers? 246?! (Holy Shit. When did that happen??????? I’ve never checked before! :O)

Average hours of sleep? 8 hours is the best for me, but I sleep less than that I’m sure.

Instruments? Fuck that. I hated the music class during HS. :O 

What I'm wearing rn? Short & T-Shirt. All comfy clothes.

Dream trip? New Zealand. Seems very far away, almost unachievable! xD And, the Vikings Lands. I. WANT. TO. GO. THERE. <3

Favourite song at the moment? Fake ID from Footloose :D

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NO PRESSURE TAGS!!!

@auprintempss, @bradleybonkbradshaw, @captainclaudeandthehiddenlogs, @hardballoonlove, @missathlete31, @nanny-sc, @scottishaccentsareawesome, @skiddit, @the-ace-with-spades.

I know there are A LOT of questions, feel the heck free to choose which ones you want to answer, IF you want to of course! Have the sweetest of days! <3

Oshi no Ko and Celebrity (more specifically child celebrity with a large tangent on being a public persona)

So in my seasonal anime catch up, I finally watched Oshi no Ko.

Admittedly I was kinda not expecting something that great after they kill off their best character right away. Ai is left to be this great discovering mystery of who was she really when she wasn't being the perfect idol. I can't say I found it extremely profound but if there's something I do like, it makes clear some aspect of the focus on youth in the idol industry.

So like, there's a little bit of ick at points in the series. We meet our adult main character obsessed and possibly in love with a 16 year old idol. Ai herself is quite off putting being treated with some sense of adulthood despite being a teen mom. I still don't know how I feel about Ai overall, she talks in her last moments about wanting to have her kids join her in the industry that quite literally killed her on the day she became an adult. Initially I didn't think much of that aspect until we start to see more characters get added.

We meet characters like the adultified Arima who's already gone through a career fallout by highschool, Minami who is a gravure model (more or less soft lewd photos) already by her freshman year of high school (therefore pressumably started in middle school), Akane who is partially a victim of evil editing, and Memcho pretending to be a teenager to be in the industry (The 20 year age cut off was up until recently the age of legal adulthood in Japan). We see these unusual circumstances where we are meant to recognize these characters as children in questionable situations.

The small arcs Aqua follows in this first season basically all cover where an adult has failed. Questionable agencies trying to hire Ruby, uncaring directors on a show Arima cares deeply about, Akane being unsupported by the adults when she's a victim on online harassment, and so forth.

Aqua is played off as a character with only one goal in mind, to find out who is his biological father so he can get revenge of Ai's death. He's already been long worn down by the industry possibly from a mix of being a reborn adult, growing up with an idol mother, and then after working is the industry in the background while trying to learn of it to find out how to find his father. In contrast to Ruby's eye spark of naive hope for the industry, his eye tends to be sullen and turn black, particularly when he is manipulating the industry for his results.

However, Aqua tends to have a secret secondary goal that he himself isn't fully conscious of which is to not let someone else fall into the situation Ai found herself in. He will avoid connection while also leading change when something harms the other youth talent around him such as flipping the script to give Arima the performance she wanted for her favourite scene or organizing Akane's redemption PR with her castmates. Side note, plenty of talent industry stories tend to focus on ideas that performers hold beef and rivalry with each other all the time where thus far, Oshi no Ko has made that more of an outlier rather having cast members being extremely supportive of each other's work while the higher up are more so the problem. Even things like the maybe one good adult, Yoriko (the mangaka) still wanting to appreciate the adaptation of her series even if it was a subpar production shows how meaningful these relationships tend to be on a human level. Either way, it is always satisfying to see how Aqua try to foster a healthier industry with his more mature understanding.

So manga spoilers from here on out.

Akane's analysis of Ai was the first moment it occurred to me that Oshi no Ko had anything decent to say about the entertainment industry. Ai always gave off the energy of an unrestrained child which is actually what she turns out to be. She is a product of parental abuse who was scouted at the vulnerable age of 12 and quickly was hailed as a major success in that industry, certainly nothing short due to the fact she puts on an excitable and childish personality. She treats her pregnancy with coy jovialness as being described that she might be too small to naturally birth children. She has to be taught concepts like it's okay to say "I Love You" even if you don't mean it. When I play through her scenes, all I can feel is this weird contradiction of childish naivety mixed with disciplined skill. At home she dresses in this motherly way while acting very ditsy while being fully in control as an idol. She somewhat reminds me of the weathernews idol Saya Hiyama, ironically who is in her own scandal right now. If I were to picture Ai's smile in real life, I would imagine it the same as Saya Hiyama's with the always perfectly v like smile showing off her yaeba teeth. Giving this false sense of vulnerability with the watcher when she makes a mistake when she makes a mistake on the weather is somewhat I see Ai to be like except with a more mischievous air.

For another [long] side tangent, being in a personality industry, its interesting to see how fans fail to recognize a curated persona. Back when I spent more time as a cosplayer, I had learned how to act out a persona not only to be in character but also to attract others to you. Maybe the slight ill feeling this series gives me is the reminder of my own experiences as a teen to early adult delicately balancing a believable relatable image while showing only part of myself. There was some sense of that emptiness I felt like Ai's where there was disconnect between the loving emotions I would portray to reality of how unattached I felt (now I know I have BPD though). My relation to the characters lies somewhere between Ai and Memcho. Ai being more like my younger self where as Memcho hits pretty close with her tomboyish look, the bleached hair with the roots growing in, and the bubbly personality and bone structure that helps you get away with appearing younger. It's been a joke among my friends the last few years that I get mistaken for still being in my early to mid 20's despite nearing 30 in a few months and moreso, as an underweight 20 year old, I had experienced a lot of leering eyes determined to believe I was as young as 14 for bizarre and creepy reasons. Some aspect of that perceived youth gives me haunting memories and frustration of arrested development where I struggle to be treated as an adult while on the other side it is in fact part of my current business. One thing that is less thought about artist alley is that you do in fact make choices weather to buy or not based on the seller as well. It's not too rare to see kawaii artists invoking the same energy their art gives in how the present themselves. It's come to the point where I tend to spend a few hundred on a dye and cut right before a new show as well as there being a select wardrobe I pick from every trip I go on. I have a makeup bag always on the ready of some easy to put on products I rarely use outside of events and often a much more larger amount of hair tools to get something of a proper styling. These are things I wear because I love them but they are also almost exclusively used to match the appearance of my booth. Likewise, there is a semi exaggerated persona put on to create a welcoming air to my customers that is tweaked to match the energy of different types. Over Sakuracon, there was an embarrassing moment where I called out to a tiktoker while still switched into a more boisterous energy from a previous customer that I had yet to switch out off and horribly scared them off. It also tends to be easier to pull of this energy during or right after talking to fellow artists as it helps build up the approachable personality, its like we are all doing warm ups together. When I see people like Saya Hiyama pull off multiple instances of being so embarassed that she trips over her words with a big giggly smile, I truly admire the persona but am a bit shocked how much people have bought into it being fully real. Especially in the internet age, its very interesting to watch the gap between the viewpoint of creators and fans/consumers. While I'm much more of a smaller niche online personality, I do have behind the scenes experience with instragrammers in the 70k-160k range and the various parasocial experiences they have gone through. It's also a space where you get so accustomed to the mentality of an influencer (for lack of a better word) that it's hard to deal with someone not versed in that space; either from people who take internet clout as a vanity hobby or those who are actively seeking online privacy. Ai's double nature of being seen as the genius idol while feeling like a deceiving liar resonates pretty deeply on this front. There is a lot of sacrifice in identity that you give your fans in order to in return earn their respect and by extension business. Like Ai, I try to keep some note of regulars I meet at events but with going to multiple back to back events, it can get hard to keep hold of all that information.

Tumblr told me enough of this tangent so we'll move onto the short manga talk I meant to give.

From reading the wiki, It turns out that the twin's father is another actor who was molested in his childhood and in fact birthed a child at 11 as a result of that rape. Seeing as he is also the big bad, it points to the fact the focus on the story is not just the trauma industry workers go through but more specifically the abuse of power younger workers tend to face. While Aqua at current seeks revenge, I would not be surprised if the end goal is to process the line of trauma that has been dealt through out the show. Even if Aqua is a teenager, his previous life is thus far the oldest in terms of lived experience and possibly even older than Aqua's father at the present. He's had the most lived experience and the most chance to also live outside of entertainment that others have more so grown up in. The twin's father is currently an abuser most likely from the result of his own unprocessed abuse and to allow a new generation to grow up in a better industry than he or Ai did, it starts with stopping the past from repeating. Ultimately I think the best end state for Aqua is likely going to be some form of Manager or talent public relations keeper. The show doesn't necessarily show any sign of something like that but that would be the best route for such things.

Ultimately Japan's idol culture in reality needs to change as well as checking our parasocial expectations of celebrities. It's fair to have some critical views on celebrities in terms of say ethics but it's also important to keep in mind that anything put out in the world has some biased narrative, especially if its any form of production. The reality Ai portrayed as a dedicated idol was a lie, the reality LoveNow showed of Akane being a selfish girl was a lie. Maybe the most important lesson I've learned is not to put stock in anything that revolves around the presentation of a real person. Often I will admire and adore fictional creations but not it's creator for this reason. Those images of people you've never met on a personal level never hold up to the truth and can be hurtful on both ends. People are not myths, they are humans.

i'm so sorry to be one of the ppl asking for advice on physical appearance topics, but i'm wondering if you could give me insights on how i should stay firm in my self-confidence when i'm constantly being compared to someone else. i'm grateful to have a stylish mother (who is my muse) but it does hurt that ppl always HAVE to compare us (my mom has the typical model look; i'm just 'plain') & how clothes fit on us. i use fashion as self-appreciation & expression but now i feel limited in some way.

continuing from the last question, lots of ppl have literally told me word by word that i'm "so unlucky to have not gotten my mother's genes, what a waste!". as events like this piled up over the past several years, my self-image is destroyed. went to loads of therapy but felt like i was overreacting & all of them told me 'why does that matter?'. i too just want to be respected. now i just wear things that cover my body :/ maybe i'm the problem, but just in need of contradiction or assurance

I am sorry because I think I’ve failed to get through to you every single time I’ve answered these questions before.

I’m just repeating myself now saying “stand up for yourself” and “de-centre beauty from your life through friends and art etc”. I know it’s harder than it sounds and you’re in a really bad environment if people are saying that stuff to you and your mother doesn’t defend you. that’s disgusting. As soon as you can get away from those people and get away from your mother you should do so. It’s psychological damage, I know you say she’s your muse and hopefully she’s nicer to you in other ways but lots of women like being in competition with their daughters and that’s the vibe I’m getting from your message. Or she may not even realise. So question then: does your mother ever build up your self esteem and tell you how amazing you are in other ways? Does she see how the comparison destroys you? Does she tell these people to shut the fuck up? Could you ever confide in her and be comforted?

I rarely see my mum because of the things she’s done and said to me and my siblings and it’s taken years but every second I was away from her I felt myself getting happier and healthier.

I truly keep trying to point you in the direction of people, videos, concepts, politics, advice that will help you that you can explore yourself but it’s in your hands to take action and decide what is best for you, whether this resonates and helps or not. You don’t have to listen to a word I have said but I’m answering the same question over and over and over.

I get that my advice is probably not helpful in any way because this is not something I’ve experienced. But I have endured self hatred and low self esteem, I know you can’t just brush it off like it’s not made an impact, it will do and obviously has done. So maybe you just need to keep feeling that hurt until it you can verbally stand up for yourself, make art out of the experience, write about the experience, connect with other people about the experience, and leave to find a better place where people appreciate you.

That’s what I did when I was younger, for different reasons but I was def considered the unattractive weird girl at school. after I was abused by my boyfriend and my friends turned against me in favour of him I had a mental breakdown, was cutting myself, punching myself, trying to wrap cords around my neck to end my life, I’ve struggled with self hatred so deep I’ve tried to end my life and destroy myself in so many ways because I was convinced I was bad and worthless by my mother, my ex boyfriend, all of my friends, and all the teachers and other students at my school who didn’t reach out. I barely survived but I did and things slowly got better when I left that environment and started going to gigs regularly and festivals and meeting a new group of people including the next boyfriend who I spent 4 years with.

Hopefully this is a phase of your life that you just have to survive. Hang in there ❤️

Ted Lasso predictions

Ok so I was gonna write this before season 3 started, but then the internet lied to me about exactly WHEN that would be, so now episode 1 is out, and I haven't written it, so I am showing SOME INCREDIBLY RESTRAINT in writing this now, before I watch.

I have a bajillion thoughts, and I want to write them down so I can go either "I told you so" or "wow I was way off base", depending.

Okay let's go.

The biggest question I struggle the most with is whether Ted/Rebecca will be a thing.

The show has consistently built them up as soulmates, showing us the connection between the two. I could point to a million moments of foreshadowing. Jason has called them soulmates. But will that be romantic? I would honestly love it either way. I'd love to see the two of them romantically together, but I'd also love for some a big influential show to keep them platonic and show that that's how they are.

What I do know more or less for sure, is that come 1/3 into episode 11, there will be some big revelation between Rebecca and Ted, in Ted's office. This one has been foreshadowed SO heavily.

And it just seems like they both have had all of the character development to be ready to be together. Rebecca saying she needs to let herself be loved by someone wonderful - but she wasn't able to with Sam so now she's still trying to figure out why. And Ted of course dealing with his emotions and his problems, making him a much healthier partner to be with.

The main thing that stops me from thinking it'll be a thing is that I don't think Ted will stay in London. He needs to go back to Henry.

I already thought that, but couldn't necessarily point to something big, but then Brendan mentioned in an interview something about how Beard has immersed himself in local culture, while Ted hasn't. Which yeah - he's barely changed a single thing in his apartment, or his clothing style, while Beard clearly has. Ted isn't making a long-time home, it's like he's living in a motel.

Also references to Wizard of Oz and the red shoes. "There's no place like home." to mirror "I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" in the pilot. (Rebecca is shown with the red shoes. Does that mean she'll come with Ted?)

Nate saying "back to Kansas, where you belong, with your son" and it clearly hits Ted. The phone call where Henry forgot his lunch, and Ted looked devastated to be ocean away. Whatever happens, Ted needs to be with his son, he needs to be a better dad than his own dad was.

I think/hope we'll see Ted's mom. There's only minor things that have told me that might be happening, but nonetheless. Ted making a point of "and my mom" whenever he talked about his dad's suicide. Ted saying "I love meeting people's moms." And there's some filming pics that shows an older lady with him, with a suitcase.

As for Roy/Keeley, I feel like they're gonna break up. There's a lot of build-up to it. The issues between them. Ms Bowen. Jamie still being in love with her. The question is whether it's gonna be forever or not. I have a vague feeling they're the kind of people who come into each other's lives to make each other better - that they're transitional. They both very much needed to date someone like the other one. But that doesn't mean they're destined to be together forever. Could go either way though. We'll see.

And it depends on what they decide to do with Jamie, which I actually don't necessarily have any predictions for. I've loved seeing his himbo development. And I find it deeply interesting how much Ted thinks about him, how he seems to feature in Ted's panic attacks.

And what are they gonna do about Nate? Well, obviously Ted isn't giving up on him. I've read a lovely post about how it's not going to be one big redemption, and I agree. I think Nate has to crawl himself out of the hole he's dug himself (emotionally), and I hope he does that. I hope it takes effort, but I hope he makes it. Whatever his flaws, he does deserve happiness, and deserves a chance to be a better person.

I also think the show is finally gonna dig into homophobia in football. AT LEAST I PRAY. I've been wanting this for so long, and obviously the show is pro-queerness.

So, how? Trent Crimm doing something more meaningful. He's heavily implied to be gay (based on that one pub scene), and he cares about sports, and he cares about major issues. (Everyone and their mum has predicted he'll write a book about the team or about Ted.)

There's also Colin, implied slightly subtler to be gay. ("Like Grindr.") Plus on red carpet a week ago, his actor implied love would be in his future, and he also said something about getting a storyline you can sink your teeth into, and about Colin living his best life. I already thought this might be a thing, but the interview kind of confirmed it.

What about Dr Sharon? Not sure what role she has to play, if it's important or not. Is she involved in the whole gay thing? Does she go work for Rupert? Who knows trtbh.

Also apparently we're getting a new player called Zava, who Dani adores. How will this play? No idea but I'm excited to see.

Sam? Well, he's got the restaurant plot. Making a safe space for his team, because that's what he needed when he got there. It kind of sounds like that's his main plot this season. (I don't think him and Rebecca are getting back together.) Is the restaurant called "Ola's"? That's supposedly the name of an episode, and it's a Nigerian name, so.

There's a new character named Jack. She's described as a charming venture capitalist, so I assume she wants to work with Keeley. The fact she's charming and played by a queer actress makes me think Keeley is gonna dip her toes back into the lady pool, or at least be tempted to.

OH!! And for the love of god, please give us a fucking musical episode. Almost everyone in this show can sing, for fuck's sake.

Uhhhh I think that's it. I can't think of anything more off the top of my head, or looking at the character list and such.

SO NOW I'M GONNA GO WATCH THE FUCKING EPISODE.

Woof. Went to check in on my gran after her recent hospitalization and of course my mom stopped by while I was there. We hadn't seen each other since a month or so ago when she sent me a super transphobic text rant where she accused me of being demon possessed, deadnamed me, and vowed never to accept me. I've had her number blocked since then because I've been trying to cut down on my connections to toxic crazy people for my stupid mental health. Unfortunately she does just turn up at my gran's house without warning all the time, so I'll never be able to visit gran in peace. Not that my gran isn't toxic in her own ways, but at least she tries to be polite most of the time. To be fair she's just not that smart so I cut her a lot of slack.

Anyway my mom walks in while I'm enjoying a cold one with the boys (gran's three cats) and reading my book because I can't stand to watch whatever drivel is on TV. I heard her coming and felt this awful chill in my gut. I didn't look up. I hate being put in a position like that. The cold shoulder is the same tactic my dad has been using against me for years and I know how stupid and petty it looks. Couldn't just run away though could I? So I kept reading my book and pretended she wasn't there. The tension was palpable while she stood on the far side of the room chatting with gran. After a while I heard her stage whisper "how long has 'deadname' been here?' and gran told her, not bothering to correct her, of course. Nice. I could use one single goddamn ally in this life, someday.

She started coming my way and said something about turning a light on so I said, "I can see fine." Still didn't look up. I didn't want to look at her. I don't want to think about her. It was hard enough accepting that I don't have parents anymore. I'm done. I focused on the words on the page.

"You look good," she said awkwardly before walking away. Bet. Liberation looks good on me. I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life. No thanks to you.

I guess this was a perfect reminder of why I can't accept that design job closer to that hometown even if they did offer to pay me a livable wage. I can't live near these people. I imagine myself spending time with them, having drinks, helping them with chores and errands, being family... then they open their bigoted mouths and one hour away suddenly isn't nearly far enough. I gotta flee the state. Maybe the country.

Tw: CSA

So I'm really struggling lately. My biological father started being sexual with me when I was 4. I didn't know any better, obviously, and thought it was normal and ok. He had sex with me for the first time when I was 7. Still thought it was normal. Finally started learning in sex Ed in school when I was 10 that family isn't supposed to do that stuff. But it was too late, he had already manipulated and brainwashed me into thinking it was ok and that he was just showing me how much he loved me. My mom walked in on him doing stuff to me when I was 13. He went to prison. I am now 27, turning 28 in April. Lately I have been really having a rough time; my mind keeps telling me it was my fault for letting it happen, because he never actually forced me into anything that I remember. Sometimes, I kinda sorta almost miss it. Just the connection I felt. And I know it's wrong and everything. But I want loved. And my brain keeps telling me that sex stuffs = love. I've even gotten into BDSM because it makes me feel loved. I just...I am so confused and conflicted. I do enjoy sex and bdsm and such, but is it ok to have these feelings, even though the mindset is a result of the trauma? I'm scared if I start going through therapy it will all change and I might lose my partner as a result. Any advice is appreciated!

Hi ashmccoy9587,

I'm so sorry about what you went through. Please know you're not alone.

It's common for trauma survivors to experience internalized victim-blaming, which can be when your mind tells you it was your fault for whatever reason. I think it's important that it doesn't have to be forceful or violent to be valid as abuse or trauma. Regardless of whether or not he was forceful, he still abused you and that's not okay.

Some people find it helpful to think about how they would feel if what they're going through happened to someone else. If you found out that someone had the exact same experience as you, would you say it was their fault for letting it happen because they were never forced? Probably not. The truth is that you are no different from this hypothetical person. You did not deserve it. What happened is not your fault.

It's easier said than done to overcome internalized victim-blaming, as well as trauma and the responses you may have developed as a result. It's essential to be gentile and patient with yourself as you process your experiences and your feelings.

It's also common for trauma survivors, especially CSA survivors, to miss their abuse. Especially when you've been raised to closely associate sex with an expression of love, it can be hard to separate those two concepts. It isn't necessarily untrue that sex can be an expression of love, but there are many alternatives to express love than having sex. These alternatives would be significantly healthier than sex between a parent and a child.

Many survivors, myself included, turn to BDSM to cope. I would say that this is okay, to a limit. It largely depends on how you're engaging with BDSM. If you're using it to self-trigger or re-traumatize yourself then it might need some reconsideration. But as long as you're mindful of your triggers and making sure enthusiastic consent is mutually present at all times, it can be a healthy way to approach and engage with it. The main thing is that you know yourself best, and to be mindful of what BDSM may be doing to your mental health.

As long as your partner supports you, it shouldn't jeopardize your relationship if your recovery changes your mindset regarding sex. If your partner is no longer interested in the relationship after you reach a healthier place mentally, then perhaps that's for the best.

I hope I could help. Best of luck with pursuing therapy. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

I don't know why it doesn't let me post, but imma be mad if it doesn't post this either.

This lunar eclipse in libra pretty much helped me to dive deep in, and to understand what's going on inside me.

I have problems with believing I'm loveable, cuz I believe I'm not. It has multiple reasons why. My mother never accepted me for having emotions, expressing them, she made me feel like I'm wrong, bad, and made me feel shame and to apologize to her. I never could "win" a debate or argument, never could prove my point, never could fight for myself, my needs, because she always punished me and I could just never get on top. She also didn't believe what i said. My feelings never mattered to her. She never cared enough to see the whys, the reasons, she always just wanted my suffer to end, but it's because it was a burden. She shouted, punished me, blamed me for feeling.

So, I never had a chance to be me, to keep up being me, to prove my point, to be strong and independent as my own person, to have that normal confidence putting myself out there.

Also, I was a shy kid, and what i needed is patience, kindness and attention. But i got to be told I was "mutistic", so I was always introduced as someone that's not from the normal, from the ordinary, that I was weird. Even that she told them the reasons, teachers didn't like me, and acted bad with me, were not fair with me, made me feel like they hated me, made me feel scared of them. I didn't understand why. With time, I started to get left out of communities (school classes, groups of people), made me feel like there is something with me that i didn't know, and didn't understand.

If i had a romantic interest or a friend, these relationships ended with leaving me there. Even if they were actual, meaningful and lovely connections, they still ended, they still let me go, they still left me.

So, with all of that experience of rejection, in the outside world and even with my mother, also my dad left us, left my mother traumatized, alone, and put it's weight on me from the start, like if I had to compensate for what my dad did but it was never enough, why would it not be valid to think that something is wrong with me and i'm not loveable???

Even the ones I care the most about, I felt the happiest and the most content with yet, just let me go that easily, like I wasn't that important ever, but it felt like I was. Also, my first love relationship told me they loved me and made me believed that, though I didn't feel like it, and later it turned out they didn't love me. Left me. Which is like, after all, I'm glad cuz I don't wanna be with someone like that. Even tho we have a healthier connection with mom now, we got distant from each other and even I'm the one, the hurt one, that got her almost whole life damaged, that still wanna love her and help her, but I can't and it is actually not my thing to do so. But it hurts still.

My boyfriend is the only one I have right now, but he cannot express his love that way I would express mine. We prolly have different love languages, but connection could solve everything. And, I don't feel like he engages with me enough, like we spend a lot of time together but we are mostly just next to each other, not really talking, or doing boring, repetitive things, not talking enough. And I'm scared to love him, because I'm scared I would not recieve that love back. Even right now, I don't know if I can believe that he loves me.

It's like, if I basically never got it, how would I believe I will get it once?

Dear future self continued... 2024 Goals

What do I want to work on this year? -I would like to read at least 7 books on my TBR this year. Also would love to finish the 4 I started last year that aren't done yet too (Ed's book, Untamed, Highly Sensitive Person & Atlas of the Heart) -I want to do my solo trip this year. Doesn't matter where, whether it just be across the province, a roadtrip in the US or even a solo flight somewhere. -I want to further deepen my friendships. I know this is a given, but I'd also like to see myself adding another girl to my circle. -I would like to feel fully invested in a church. Not feel like I'm still iffy & testing it out but I want to plant myself in one, join some more groups within the community hopefully & attend some more church activites. - I want to better my relationship with God. I know I can just reflect on that in a year from now & see how much more trusting I am with Him, only time will tell but I want to be more invested in that. More trusting that His plan is greater & he's going to take care of me. - I want to ask for help more. I realized that I still seclude myself a lot when I go through hard times, I don't allow others to help or open up & I deal with things on my own. I started to in the later months especially when I had ended things with Zack, I did open up with Amber & Sasha more & even Shane so I want to continue to be able to ask for that help back. -I want to compliment more strangers. I remember I went to the peter lougheed house with mom some weeks ago & our server had such a beautiful smile, I had told him at the end of the meal & he blushed & got flustered. This world is so cold and unfriendly. I want to compliment more people, more strangers. Whatever it might be, I want to be kinder. Softer. More compassionate. I want to say nice things & speak more kindness into the world. -I want to focus more on the less people pleasing side. I feel I've done really good with this the past year, not necessarily "not caring what anyone thinks" but less concern for how people will see me & being able to say no to things & not be worried what that outcome is. - Speaking on which above, I also want to be better at not allowing the absolute dog shit in my life. Not allowing people to treat me like an option, not chase connection, not force a friendship. I want to set healthy boundaries & really lean into my self worth this year. Not letting it waiver depending on who responds to me or how someone treats me. -I also want to stop the self punishing. I've been doing a lot better at this in the last several months. Not dwelling on the bad & negative, not allowing myself to sink into a hole of what a shit person I am etc. I've been better at redirecting my thoughts when they come to those & combating them with positives & truths but I do want to have a lot of growth in that. -I want to establish a better lifestyle. More balance & healthier habits. While still not binging but allowing myself to not have such restrictions. I would like to get back into a workout routine & build my strength. I'm not unhappy with my body but I would like to feel better in it. I really need to get back into going to bed at a decent hour to get my full nights sleep & be waking up at a good early time to start my day. Building better routines for sure & not letting busy life destory healthy habits established. -I want to save more too this year. -I really need to find balance this year. I don't want to be running on empty all the time. Last year was amazing & I have so many great memories & was out all the time but I really want balance this year. I want to spend more time with myself, like getting back into shadow work & reading or listening to meaningful podcasts again. -More things that make me happy. More mountain trips & hikes. More puzzles. More green thumb with plants. More drawing. More focus on my skin care. More cold showers. More time with Nova.

Intermittent fasting day 6

I woke up at 7 and went back to bed at 10 yesterday. I overslept and woke up at 2, which is an hour past when my feeding window starts (at 1). When I woke up at 7 I was a tiny bit bloated (I've been bloated since the night before after I had the sandwich) When I woke up at 2 it was better. My bloating overall has gotten better with the fasting (during both my feeding and fasting windows). Sometimes my stomach might get a bit larger when I'm hungry because it is gurgling. Though I feel lighter and less bloated.

I ate just like I did yesterday. I did something different with my dinner. I turned the avocado sandwich I usually make into avocado toast with an egg, 1 slice of cheese, and leafy greens (I pretty much replaced the slice of cheese I normally have with an egg here and had 1 piece of toast instead of 2 for a sandwich). It was good and filling. I had fish for lunch.

I did not go for a walk. I spent the whole day with my dad sitting in the living room and even playing a card game. Honestly my dad has cooled down and became extremely laid back compared when we were children and he was strict and used to hit us and yell at us. He let me go for walks alone late at night (he wouldn't even let me leave the house or have a sleepover or go to a party when I was a teenager, or even open social media or upload my pictures). And not once did he raise his voice at me, at all. I know I grew up into a well adjusted and successful adult, so I know he is so proud of me. Also I know him being away from his family helped him a lot. I know he loved his mom, but she made his life hell. I hate to say this, but when she passed away I feel like that lifted a weight off his shoulders. Not that he wasn't sad, but I think he felt some relief. But I know the things putting him down and making him stressed is money and loneliness (he lives away from us due to work). He was very down in summer 2022 for this reason and because his close friend and uncle died (and they were both young).

It sucks when you have to deal with generational trauma from your parent. It's like you have an obligation to heal yourself AND the parent who passed on the generational trauma. My dad in this case. I wan to end the lineage and I want to see my dad heal. My dad is not a bad person. But I hated dealing with the trauma. I wasn't allowed to go out, to date, to open social media, to put my pictures on social media, put up a Christmas tree, no dogs, etc... He also used to yell at us a lot and used to hit us. And we were very boring altogether and had no hobbies and wouldn't do fun activities like traveling. So it was a very miserable feeling growing up, especially when we were trapped in my grandmother's house. Like I've said before, living in his home country was traumatic and I unfortunately do not feel a strong connection to it and don't go back often. Only to visit family, but that's about it. Life there is so overwhelming and complex. Especially as a young woman who wants to be free and independent and financially secure.

But thankfully I no longer have to worry about that anymore. Because I am free and independent and financially secure (I'm not rich, I'm secure though which is more than what I can ask for). I have my own job and my own bank account and my own electronic and social media who no one has access to anymore. I have 2 dogs and I've never imagined I would ever have 2. I've always wanted 1 when was younger and envied people who had dogs, but now I have 2. And yeah I am allowed to put up a Christmas tree. And I'm not religious so thankfully I don't have to struggle with religious indoctrination and force. And that is a problem for people (especially women) in the cultural upbringing. And I can travel to the Mediterranean and enjoy walking on beaches. And I'm becoming healthier overtime as I wasn't exposed to health habits growing up. But I will give credit to my dad for introducing me to intermittent fasting, and I know it will dramatically transform my already good health.

So even though I didn't go for a walk, I am happy I stayed home with my dad. This visit really made me realize and remember how much he has changed compared to when we were growing up. He does have the occasional freakout, but he never takes anything out on me and allows me to do whatever I want. I can walk in the dark, own 2 dogs, and have my own bank account and electronics and social media accounts. Even at home with my mom and at work I am free since my boss doesn't micromanage me. I love being free and secure.

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Are you there, recovery? It's me, relapse.

Welp. Got my ass back in AlAnon. Really, if I'm being fair to myself, I never left recovery. Basically since February of 2016, I'm been clawing and scraping my way to a healthier life.

February 2016: Joined AlAnon, attended 1-4 times weekly for 14 months. November 2016: Started weekly, then biweekly, then monthly therapy for 3.5 years. April 2017: Quit AlAnon (still deeply in therapy) February 2020: Went back into AlAnon, attended for a few months, then Zoom AlAnon died out. April 2020: "Graduated" from therapy (knew I needed a female therapist to work on sex trauma) and Zoom therapy sucked. May 2020: Started meditating ~sometimes, still going! August 2021: Tried AlAnon in new city, only attended a few meetings. September 2021: Started 200 hour yoga teacher training, finished in February. January 2022: Started biweekly therapy with sex trauma therapist, still going strong. June 2022: One-month sabbatical from my partner. November 2022: Back in 3rd city AlAnon, 2-4 times weekly, now living with my mother (temporarily?)

Meanwhile I've read a kajillion books and articles, listened to so many podcasts, attended numerous trainings, and have had a million conversations with people in an effort to deepen my authenticity and connections. I really am healing. I went back on my primary blog to see if I wrote about why I quit and gee whiz did my attitude suck. My attitude sucks now but not nearly as bad.

But ok, yeah, so here I am journaling. Because I don't want to do therapy AT my relationships, my actual therapist can only do so much (especially if I spend the whole session just regurgitating stuff to feel Heard when I could process here), and I have a lot to work through. I know that writing does a lot of good for memory and behavioral activation, especially after I flood myself with new information. I need to synthesize, process, rehearse, plan, set goals, and check in on myself.

It turns out I'm still deeply codependent with my partner, I rarely experience confidence, I experience deep shame most of the time that I open my mouth, I take personal responsibility for how people feel about me and around me, and if I'm being honest, I have flippant suicidal thoughts a little too often. I quickly spiral into despair, overwhelm, and hopelessness. It's possible the reasons I feel so terrible after dancing, talking, drinking, sharing, or having sex is because most of those are spontaneous, vulnerable expressions of myself and I feel like I am gross, bad, and wrong at my core. I only feel "confident" when I followed rules or a script well.

Financially I would like to stay with my mom a while longer, or maybe move in with my BFF, but I have a savings account and this might be a season of my life that requires drawing on it. Even though I have spent so much on teacher training, my master's certificate that I never finished, and my car might die soon. I want to hoard my safety net. My breathing gets tight when I think about money and the future.

However, I know I need to live alone. I'd like to find a nice little studio or one-bedroom here in my family's town, but I might go live in the big city with my other BFF if she separates from her partner, too. I need to figure out how much it'll cost to break the lease in our current place in Nowhere. God money stresses me out. This wasn't supposed to be a planning post but clearly I'm preoccupied.

I have a racial justice meeting in 30 minutes that I want to want to do, but I mostly want to flake. It asks a lot of me and exposes vulnerabilities and that's why I should lean in and grow through them, do my exposure therapy, but oooh the temptation of cancelling plans.. I know I usually feel better when I do things. God but I was up at 3:30am for work.. but also be the change you want to see in the world (and yourself) and I wanna be the kind of person who shows up. But boundaries! But sometimes self care is doing the hard thing...

I dunno man. I'm scared. I feel small and bad and overwhelmed and a little alienated. I have fabulous people in my life, I do. I have so much ego to dissolve, though. I also wanna explore at some point if my gratitude and encouragement practices are actually fawning or attachment/unhelpful ego reflections, versus actual non-violent communication offerings.

I'd like to write here at least weekly, maybe to discuss what I learn in therapy, in AlAnon, or do some structured journal prompts from all the things I've learned. I'd like an AlAnon sponsor once I know where I'll be. I'd like to read my daily literature at least every-other day, and meditate most days. I liked going to my mom's exercise class, she has a WiiFit, I always love going to my friends' in-person yoga classes, tis the season for indoor YouTube yoga too, and there's a walking track here I can use. I also found out I love hiking int he cold, as long as I'm dressed appropriately. I'm so grateful my car is still going - it's an anchor in a period that feels like homelishness.

I am good, I think. I do think I belong here, probably. Affirmations don't feel right and I'm very confused but I'm gonna keep trying and showing up. Ugh and I'll probably do that racial justice thing tonight too. It's about faith, so that'll be neat.

Future Me, I hope I'm doing ok. I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for my imperfections; please love me, understand me, forgive me. I'm trying to get there, but I'm also trying to enjoy here. We've been so cruel to Past Me and I want us all to be good, be ok, be whole. Be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease - you know? Thank you for looking out for me. We can do this, because others have and others will, and we belong with them. We belong. Everything is fine. All of it was good, right?