#i think bad eyesight absolutely can be disabling
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Headcannons I have for the 2012 TMNT brothers
Warnings: none
Some of these things might contradict some small things in the plot, I've been rewatching as much as I can of this show and some of my knowledge of the show also comes from when I was younger and watched the show
Tags: Tiny bits of Angst, Fluff, Brotherly Bonding, No Beta-we die like Master Splinter,
Leonardo
He only drinks water and tea, man's never had any soda or anything in his life, claims it's "unhealthy" and "would ruin his physice"
He doesn't take many breaks, so his brothers have to either convince him or force him to rest or relax, he always protests but he's grateful for his brothers
He only listens to traditional Japanese music or Rock music, no in-between
Can't get through the day without making atleast one Space Hero's reference (can't remember the name of the show)
Feels guilty about every unsuccessful mission, even if it's not his fault
He has a tendency of waking up in the middle of the night to check on his brothers, with all the nightmares and guys they have to fight, he gets concerned about what may happen, so he checks on them alot
Dude feels like absolute SHIT when he gets yelled at by shredder, wether it be his own fault or the team's fault, he just feels like he should have been better and he sulks in his room everytime
Sometimes he likes to listen to Donnie, sometimes he understands what he's talking about (if Donnie dumbs it down a bit), he does like to hear about what new things he's made to benefit the team
Every so often, he likes to help Mikey plan a prank on Ralph just for the hell of it, and it's even funnier because Mikey always gets the blame
Sometimes when he sleeps, he likes to be in his shell, there isn't any reason, he just feels safe in there
Most of his brothers are pretty good at speaking Japanese, he is pretty much fluent in it
He knows sign language, he got bored one day and decided to learn it, he tells himself that if there is anyone with a hearing or speaking disability or anything like that, that he'll be ready and prepared to help them
He always thinks of others before himself, even if it costs him
He has a bunch of quotes taped up on his walls, some are kinda cringe, but some are actually pretty dang good quotes
One song he related to alot is "No Pressure" from Encanto, you'll never guess why
Raphael
He gets nightmares alot more than his brothers, only Leo and Master Splinter know about it
He tried to get into Leo's Space Hero's show, but he got to annoyed at the nervous side character and gave up trying
He made Spike a little skull helmet out of cardboard once to "protect him" (even tho he has a shell) but once Mikey discovered it, he accidentally broke it, Raph has never let him live it down
He's got undiagnosed Bipolar disorder, this often makes him feel so confused about his emotions and he often hates how he's feeling because he doesn't understand why he's feeling that way
As much as he didn't trust Leatheface, he related to him alot, having an anger you can't control
Raph has had many nightmares of his anger getting in the way of him protecting his brothers and it scares him all the time, Master Splinter often has to comfort him and remind him that if he was fully in control of himself, he wouldn't hurt his brothers, angry or not
He wishes he could get a tattoo, but he knows that it would get him an ass whooping, still, if he were allowed to, he would have gotten one of him and Spike on a motorcycle on fire with sunglasses or something
Raph has shitty eyesight, it's one of the reasons he's always squinting (plus the fact he's mostly angry) but he can never find actual glasses with the right prescription in any sewer, or any glasses for that matter, Splinter knows all about this and has trained him extra to help him with this disadvantage
Sometimes he feels bad for hitting Mikey, but only when he realizes that he's hurt him more then he thought, this often leads him to making it up to him in small ways, like, watching him do something dumb, or trying some of his horrible food, he rarely apologizes, so this is his way of apologizing without saying it aloud
Has a problem with misplacing his sais (his weapons) and this often leads him to basically tearing the house apart to look for them...only for Master Splinter to show him where there are (and they were right Infront of him the whole time)
He's super insecure about the fact he's the second shortest turtle, but he won't tell his brothers or else he knows they will make fun of him, but his brothers already know he's insecure about that, they just don't want to get their ass whooped by Ralph
His brothers like to joke that he never had a rebellious phase, but that he was born a rebellious phase
His favorite color isn't actually red, it's actually silver, but his second favorite color is red, he knew he wouldn't be able to get a silver bandana, so he just went with red
Donatello
He hates the nickname "Don" it kinda sounds weird to him and when his brothers call him that, he cringes on the inside
He's got Undiagnosed OCD, he constantly does little things (like flickering the lights up and down, or tapping on things a certain amount of time, washing his hands a bunch, ect ect) because it makes his mind feel at ease
Because of his OCD, he has alot of intrusive thoughts about dangers that might come to him and his family, which also brings him many nightmares, which is another reason he does alot of the little "rituals" as his brothers like to call them
Dude is VERY superstitious, tends to avoid going under ladders, using an umbrella indoors, and other things, he knows it's silly, but his mind feels alot better when he avoids these things
He likes to read human biology books because he's so fascinated by the human body and how it works
He got his tooth gap when he was first practicing the bo staff, he was trying to make it spin really fast, and it hit him straight in the face, right where he got his first grown up tooth, poor guy
He's the most flexible of the turtles, the others don't know this cause he doesn't like to show off
He strangely enjoys yoga, when he doesn't have any ideas of what to make, he'll do a couple poses with some calm music before he comes up with an idea
This man felt like he went to HEAVEN when he figured out about caffeine, it's really hard to get your hands on coffee when you live in the sewers, but he tries to find ways of getting some, or some kind of energy drink
He needs the caffeine, especially with how late he stays up, Master Splinter has said it's bad for him before, but he doesn't listen
He's terrified of being picked up by his face again, so he made a helmet specifically for his face....it broke within the first seconds of having it and his face got picked up and shaken like a rag doll again...
Michaelangelo
Undiagnosed ADHD
Due to his undiagnosed ADHD, people think he's dumb, but he can be pretty clever when he wants to
He has little freckles every where, and sometimes he likes to play connect the dots with them
He may seem dumb, but he's actually amazing at math, he doesn't see it as a problem and solution, he sees math as a pattern or a puzzle
He likes to put stickers on his shells sometimes when he finds stickers
When he tried some of Donnie's coffee, everyone thought he was gonna explode or be over hyper (even tho he's already over hyper), and they all tried to quarantine him away from them so he wouldn't break anything, but they were all super shocked to see that he mellowed out due to his Undiagnosed ADHD
Some of his stims include: swinging his nun-chucks in circles, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, tapping in rhythms, making strange sounds or repeating small phrases, bouncing up and down, waving his arms all around, ect ect
He feels like he's the black sheep of the family since they all think differently than him, but alot of times, he tells himself it's cause he's so superior that they all can't catch up with him
Very confident and enthusiastic
He doesn't like tea, and calls it "dirty leaf water"
He uses his bandana like a napkin sometimes, so it has random stains in it that he can't get out
He's got dimples
He's very touch starved, he's so used to people bonking him on the head, that when he receives positive affection, he gets really happy
Whenever he gets overstimulated, he hides in his shell, his brothers think he's being lazy and sleeping, but sometimes Donnie or Master Splinter will bring him water or food, they don't understand why Mikey does this, but they do care for him and want to help
He absolutely hates the winter, it's to icy for skateboarding and he slips all the time
One of his dreams is to finally surf, but since he's a turtle, he can't, but he can have dreams
He's an amazing dancer and can dance to anything, he could even bust a move to Beethoven or the Nutcracker if he wanted to
He loves graffiti, sometimes when he finds old spray paint cans with some paint in them, he makes the most of them and uses it to make some of the coolest art you've ever seen
He unironically calls everyone 'bro' or 'dude' regardless of gender or species
He could talk all day about the ideas he has, they aren't very good ideas, but they're ideas
He doesn't know his lefts from his rights and often has to do the holding up the fingers thing, worst part of it is, sometimes he forgets which way an L is
He has terrible short term memory, but absolutely amazing long term memory, he can't tell you what he ate 2 seconds ago, but he can dang well tell you one of the storys Master Splinter read to him when he was super young
King of memes, constantly has a 'Boufa', 'updog', 'deez', or 'sugontheez' joke ready
He mumbles in his sleep and it's the funniest thing ever, he says just random shit, sometimes he doesn't even say coherent sentences
Once made a "that's what she said" joke, but he doesn't understand what it means and he said it at a time when it didn't make any sense
All of Them
They all have little tails
They are all box turtles without the markings
They all need therapy
They all need a hug
They all can and do go into their shells
They have all broken atleast 2 bones or more in their body
They all were homeschooled by Master Splinter
I hope you enjoyed this! 👾💜
#tmnt#tmnt 2k12#tmnt 2012#2012 Raph#2012 donnie#2012 leo#2012 mikey#2012 Raphael#2012 Donatello#2012 Leonardo#2012 Michelangelo#2012 splinter#tmnt headcanons#tmnt donnie#tmnt donatello#tmnt raphael#tmnt raph#tmnt leo#tmnt leonardo#tmnt mikey#tmnt michelangelo#tmnt splinter
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I am sure I am not the only last Twilight fan frustrated by the ending but I wanna know how this happened??? I won't comment on Day getting his eyesight back in the last episode because I am not disabled so I can not be asking for characters to stay disabled just for the sake of my entertainment you know what I mean?? Like was it rushed? absolutely. Did it also feel a bit weird that we get a so-called happy ending when the disability is gone?? also yes but even putting that aside how did we skip so much time and also like just pick up where we stopped? like Mork and day did not talk out how Day just called the shots and Mork followed? how they both literally were ride and die and then what just 1 disagreement and they broke up. Or even go into the mom's psychic a bit? How she kept her son trapped and the other thinking he was just his brother's keeper? I would normally not have these expectations from a Thai bl to handle such a sensitive topic with care but it seemed to be going so well? The last 2 ep seemed like someone had to fill in the word limit of an essay or something. They did this with dangerous romance last time! I know we can have complex endings in gmtv with not the "happy ever after" like with bad buddy. they didn't exactly get what they wanted but it was still happy. I just don't get why the botch up such well written and beautiful series. I refuse to belive a show that gave us the sunset scene ended like this.
Thai BL giveth
and Thai BL taketh away.
Count your blessings.
Imagine what Japan would have done?
Or *shudder* Taiwan?
#It's BL#it could be worse.#It could be Make Our Days Count.#thai bl#last twilight#gmmtv owes us big time
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This post by @waitmyturtles is what finally, finally led me to the conclusion what bothered me about the series so much (not just the ending) and I'm seriously wondering if this a cultural difference that I misunderstood which geniunely makes me question if I got the whole eyesight-storyline wrong or if it really was bad writing.
(and I didn't wanna mess up all the smart reblog-additions with my personal 2 cents so I made a new post for it)
It's the fact that Day never says himself that he's ready for the surgery/wants the surgery.
From the first episode on, every time they talked about the "eye donation" (which is the first problem imho, he's keeping his eyes and corneas are a tiny, vital part of them), I understood it as a plot device to show how the people around him make the decisions for Day and how he doesn't get the chance to make them for himself.
I felt like I was conditioned to think that way, every time the donation came up I had the reaction of "that's not the point here, deal with the situation at hand and not potential futures!!" and I thought Days lack of a response to the whole topic was meant to inflinct that reaction. Meant to be a sign of Days lack of autonomy and how he slowly, slowly gains it back.
But we never get to hear his own opinion about the possiblity of getting his eyesight back, even with him gaining autonomy and growing as a person, nor do we get a proper explanation by the doctors how his options look like and what a deteriorated cornea even MEANS. We aren't all doctors, we don't know the million different ways sight can be impaired and if it's temporary or not.
Which lead, in combination with Days ongoing lack of a response, to my (!) impression, that this storyline is not relevant to the message the show wants to put out, and that it's a story about how he learns to grow into his this new state of being. Which made the surgery feel like it came completely out of nowhere.
And now I'm wondering - in the context of this being a thai show and family playing a very vital role - did we not need Days explicit approval to learn that he wants it? Was his approval that he let his mom take care of the whole surgery process? Was this why he forgave her so quickly, and always turned to her, was that his approval? Because she stood for the chance of getting his sight back?
I'm not gonna discuss how Day is still a spoiled brat, the absolute obliteration of mhoks character, the unnecessary introduction of august or all the other loose ends of the story...
But with this particular point, I feel like I geniunely misunderstood something and maybe didn't do the story enough justice.
Do I still wish the narrative would've explained the whole eyesight-thing better so we understand the status of days disability better? Yes, absolutely yes.
But I also need a flagpole of signs to understand things so maybe I missed some nuance here and I really really want to know your opinions about this so please comment your thoughts!!
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It kinda boggles my mind how everyone in the fandom calls the writing misogynistic while the writers are all women-- like I get it, plenty of women are misogynistic, but my mind is still absolutely fucking boggled by how widely accepted it is in the fandom. It is like you say Erin Hunter and in the very next breath the word misogynist is there.
There are so many shitty rude stupid ass male characters (in the newest book!!! Sky!!!) and frankly the only female characters that looked overtly bad were Nightheart's two family members (who are just.... generic cats? I get they had some personality in other books but they're ultimately background characters; at least they're providing a conflict??? Which is needed??? In a story?????) and then of course Uhhh-- Berryheart yeah, Sunbeam's radicalized mother. Who gives me the vibes of a sort of female right wing extremist, of whom there are plenty and can deserve to be mocked a bit.
Squilf was actually shown to be super competent in stepping up in the wake of Bramblestar's depressive episode, who was made into a joke (yay!), and I think her butting heads with Nightheart was entertaining. She acknowledges his youth and is hard on him about it, but it's reasonable too-- of course he's given apprentice tasks, there are no apprentices. How is it fair for others warriors to get extra bedding duty? And of course he shouldn't have gone into ShadowClan territory-- he got lucky that it was Lightleap's boyfriend!! The books make you sympathize with Nightheart as his POV, but I never found Squilf to be disrespected or unreasonable, just hated by him. Maybe I am just a weirdo though! I drink respecting Squilf juice.
I would like less romance plots though. The lack of gay representation in the series is getting so damn distracting! I am too much of a lesbian to understand Frostpaw wanting to stop being a medicine cat and settle down with Splashtail who I barely even fucking know in the span of a few minutes-- Sunbeam rejecting Nightheart would've been interesting, but she's also falling for him, it seems. If Frostpaw really does quit to get with Splashtail I am going to be so disoriented, I CANNOT be reading three het POVs again. I am not strong enough. (I do think Frostpaw finding her resolve to quit after Owlnose did was interesting, though. I cannot blame her for quitting considering the stress she's under. But for the love of god PLEASE STAY)
Anyway in the end I kind of pity the writers who are forced to make up new stories and keep things fresh. Like how do they do anything without it being somehow wrong-- like oops, we wanted to pair these two characters, but it turns out they share a great grandma! At this point we need to kill everyone and start over unless fans of background character #12 get upset that they're ooc because of this one specific line they had in a novella I didn't read. And let's not forget killing a disabled cat being bad despite characters constantly getting culled for no reason. (I would REALLY like some fresh disabled blood though-- like, can we get some more cats losing eyesight and legs here??? It would make the incredibly generic background characters SO much more interesting, God. Like who the fuck is Sneezecloud?? I would respect Sneezecloud more if he was chronically ill but he is just a generic cat named Sneezecloud, OK.)
Anyway this is so badly written I don't even have a point here but this is called warriors confessions and dammit I am going to confess.
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1) Ok so, I need some input on my situation. I'm a mildly disabled person, bad eyesights, and some motoric stuff. Nothing too impactful. I have an able-bodied (AB) acquaintance. Recently a mutual friend also able-bodied made a comment how they had problem with a small YT'ber who's got a heavy accent, they wanted to ask if there was a possibility for the YT'ber to add captions, but also mentioned how they were super insecure about sounding rude. AB told them to "Just say you're HoH, and that you
2) need it follow along with the video." I hadn't really said anything about the accent thing, but I kinda just responded with "Imo, I think you should just be polite and ask, claiming a disability and using it as an excuse when you don't have it is a bit off" AB just loos at me, and asks if I was calling them ableist. After a bit back and forth AB said "You aren't even HOH, why do you care?" Maybe they got a point? I just kinda feel it's unpleasant when able-bodied people use disabilities as a
3) to avoid "confrontation". Especially when the're not even doing it to actually help the disabled, but do it to benefit themselves, without caring about actual disabled people. Maybe the YT'ber becomes more accessible,which would be cool. But why does this have to be done on the backs of disabled people, for the comfort of Able-bodied people? It feels kinda backhanded, just because disabled people get a benefit from it, doesn't mean it was right to use us, in this case HoH though, as a tool
amongst my (many many) physical and mental disabilities, I have auditory processing issues, and my bio brother is deaf (and also has many many disabilities). I don't think ab was ableist, although I do think them snapping back and saying that stuff (you can care about stuff that doesn't affect you, that's not why you're wrong) when you got uncomfortable was pretty rude. sometimes people tell white lies when avoiding confrontation, dealing with anxiety (put a pin here), protecting people's feelings, etc, and provided it's not spreading misinformation or harming someone, it's maybe a touch insensitive, but not straight up ableist, and literally no people with hearing issues would have been involved in this specific incident or affected negatively in any way if you hadn't sent it to me.
they absolutely could feel like the youtuber may feel uncomfortable or upset with "you're hard to understand" and not add any, and if you're like "hey, could you add captions for the hearing impaired?" well that's still not a sure fire either because I've seen first-hand "no actual [disability] have ever asked for this, so fuck off", but "hey, I'm a hard of hearing fan, do you think it'd be possible to add subtitles?" isn't as likely to upset the youtuber. there's obviously levels to this, different situations might be far more ableist, but I don't think this specific incident would be a white lie that'd ultimately hurt anyone.
I think painting it as the person "using" disabled people is hella extreme for just one sentence of a white lie to avoid upsetting someone. that said, I'd like to reiterate, I'm not saying it's not backhanded or unpleasant, just that... to be honest, you really don't want me to get a second opinion on this one, because my bio bro hates people like you (that's people without the disabilities, and especially without any at all or with only mild ones, who take offense on behalf of people and groups that they don't belong to, and stand in the way of a net good because it comes across as problematic to you in some tiny way), and your messages here would earn you a slurry of insults if he saw them. especially if ab didn't ask for the subtitles in the end because of you.
of the two of us, I'm the one most sympathetic to the idea of an incredibly minor thing still being insensitive, and of speaking up when it doesn't affect you, and even I'm really finding it hard to give a shit. if I get captions then that's good, it won't bother me if the person who got captions exaggerated their need for them somewhat, so that the person wouldn't indignantly respond with annoyance at an insult to their voice or refuse because no disabled people have ever asked. what's really the benefit of this "yeah but are you disabled?" behaviour, means testing people for the right to advocate for a need? that mindset is what gets me shitty looks when I use the disabled loos, despite the fact that I physically need to use them, or the popularity of clips of people vandalising cars in disabled parking spaces because they thought (rightly or wrongly) that the owner wasn't disabled.
asking for help is hard, and in this situation it's simply not "on the backs of disabled people for the comfort of abled people". first of all, anxiety is a disability (remember that pin from earlier? I did notice how you referred to them both as able-bodied, not abled, and if you're another anon trying to sow discord between the mentally and physically disabled, I will go to the year 3,000 and do awful awful awful things with your great great great grandaughter). second of all, it literally is the able-bodied person doing the work to get the aids? they need them, even if only for comfort (which is literally something we disabled people should be advocating for, given how often our needs that ease pain are written off as "just for comfort"), and they're doing the work to get it. I don't think you've considered that, thirdly, he might not add any without "valid reason". and fourthly, it's also for disabled people, it's not gonna be captions only abled people can see, the captions will appear for everyone.
me and my bio brother grew up unable to learn sign language, despite his deafness and my selective mutism/non-verbal issues and auditory processing issues, because nowhere taught it and we didn't have money. we grew up unable to watch tv with subtitles turned on because it was either unavailable or "distracting" for the adults. that's not even getting into aids for other disabilities, how both of us have had to fight the benefits system to be able to survive, etc. I don't think you understand how it feels when your whole life has been "aids for disabled people are too uncomfortable for us, so no aids" and "even if you are in as much pain as you claim, you can still walk without this", and then someone comes to you like "can you believe this person wants aids!? for their comfort!? that'd help more people than just them! and they wanted to lie to make sure it was actually granted without a confrontation! what an ableist asshole!"
maybe things are different where you're from, but politely asking for an aid, especially if you're not literally paralysed from the neck down, or if it's more for being comfortable than literally surviving, really isn't as easy as you make it sound. "just ask politely for someone to go out of their way to make you comfy!" ma'am I can't even politely ask for the thing I need to be able to drink without getting eyerolls or "we don't have any, you'll have to use paper, it's because of the environment or something".
it feels backhanded, insensitive, unpleasant even, I'm happy to grant all that, but "using" us as a "tool", "off our backs", putting the word "confrontation" in quotes as if it's not a real possibility, there was just so much that went too far for me in your asks. and that is why you're wrong. not because you were offended on behalf of a group you don't belong to, but because you told this story in a very dishonest sounding way, you exaggerated the impact of this, and you potentially disuaded someone from the act of getting aids for disabled people because it upset you.
edit: to clarify, I'm not mad and I don't think you're awful, wrong there was to mean "incorrect", not "simply awful" or whatever. it honestly just feels like ab was doing the thing that'd help people and you were uncomfortable because it's not perfect, and your discomfort is totally valid and understandable, just ultimately the less helpful to the world, of the two options presented here.
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You know what? If you want to info dump about Kole, go for it! I’m all ears, especially after reading those snippets of him
I am absolutely taking this chance to infodump about him, I love him so much.
So, when inventing Kole it was directly tied to Phoenix's family being invented. Short summary of what I built for their family for clarity:
There are only two things I knew about Phoenix's family canonically when I started. 1. He is ethnically Japanese, a canon fact since the ancestor he got Karuma from was Naruhodo Ryuunosuke, who was very Japanese. 2. A bit of word of god from somewhere that said he was an only child. So I built from there.
Phoenix and Kole's shared grandparents were both born in Japan and moved to California at some point either before their kids were born or shortly after. These kids are Phoenix's mom and Kole's dad. The name 'Wright' is a western name (English specifically, I looked it up), so while Phoenix's mother is very Japanese his father is generalized grab-bag American white. Both of Kole's parents are ethnically Japanese.
Got a good picture of the family? Okay, great. Now onto Kole specifically. I'm putting it all under a cut though, since there's... a lot. I rambled a bit. I just love this man so much.
Kole originally was moreso supposed to be a bit sore about Phoenix inheriting Karuma from their grandfather, since his father is real big on family legacy (honestly this is part of why it was Phoenix who got the sword), but that changed pretty early on.
Kole ended up in a car wreck about six months after Phoenix inherited Karuma. No relation between the events, nothing plot relevant, just unfortunate. He ended up in a coma for a while as a result of the whole thing. He woke up a few weeks after everything with Dahlia, around when Phoenix changed his major.
Phoenix was one of the few people who regularly showed up when Kole was in the hospital recovering, alongside his own mother and their grandmother. Phoenix's parents dropped by on occasion, and Kole's father rarely dropped by, being a bit of a workaholic. This is the reason they're so close for the rest of the fic. Phoenix helped Kole out with physio and getting back on his feet (metaphorically), and in exchange Kole helped Phoenix study for his law classes (he wasn't much help but he tried).
Kole ended up paralyzed waist down from the accident, and is now wheelchair bound. He also suffered some brain damage focussed on his occipital region, meaning he's got a pair of bigass cork-bottle glasses to compensate his now suffering eyesight. (Can glasses be used to correct brain damage based near-blindness? Idk, and I did no research on this topic, which I think fits the spirit of the games.) He's mostly recovered now, but the glasses and wheelchair are aides he'll need for the rest of his life.
This is why the floors of Phoenix's apartment are always clean. Yes, Kole could manoeuvre over the clothing and other things that otherwise would end up there, but Phoenix doesn't want to make his cousin's life more difficult that it has to be. Kole also complains about most elevators he encounters being not up to code. (And yes, I am aware of the ironic humour of Phoenix having close relationships with a man who can't use the elevator and one who has to. This wasn't intentional.)
All that being said, I do not linger on any of Kole's disabilities. He's nearly blind and wheelchair bound, yes, but primarily he's here to make bad jokes. And to act as Phoenix's support system. And I don't show it in the fic, since the focus is on Phoenix, but Phoenix acts as Kole's support system too. They're very close to each other and care a lot, so they both are happy to offer the other whatever support they need. So it's a mutual thing.
Kole very quickly became my favorite character both in this fic and in general. I adore him. He exclusively calls Phoenix 'Feen', makes bad jokes at every opportunity, and is willing to force some common sense into Phoenix when he's being particularly dense. He's optimistic and happy as a general rule, and is always willing to lend an ear or shoulder, even if you don't really want it (but very much need it anyways). He also is the person who drags Phoenix outside and makes sure he eats when he forgets. But mostly he's there to make bad jokes.
He went into engineering (and a bit of mechanics), and then proceeded to mod and trick out his own wheelchair. He has three, one for everyday use, one for all sorts of outdoorsy stuff (camping, beach trips, etc), and one that's literally just an ongoing project as he adds all sorts of stuff to it. (This one stresses Phoenix out a bit, but it's both Trucy and Kole's favorite. It has a turbo boost!) Outside of his own wheelchair, he also designs and helps build physical aides for people who need them, mostly all custom stuff. Wheelchairs that can be used on sand, for example. He also sometimes makes things just to see if it's possible. Actually he could probably run a pretty successful engineering YouTube channel on top of all his more sane projects.
Screw it, I'm deciding right now he has a YouTube channel too. Every video on it gives Phoenix stress headaches, especially when Trucy happens to be in said videos. Kole insists it's fine, and it mostly is. Kole is nearly as unkillable as Phoenix is. It does not make Phoenix feel better.
Kole's relationship with his father suffered after the accident, but it's gotten better by the end of the fic. Still tense, but they get along. Part of this was the amount of pressure and the trying to pit him against Phoenix, which Kole was not having. His parents are still married though, because while his dad isn't a great father he is a decent husband. Kole's fine with this, but he is closer with his mother.
Kole's name actually came from an old classmate of mine. I was wondering what a Japanese couple would name an American born kid, and I actually live in an area of Canada with a high Japanese population, so I ended up just picking the name of someone I knew. My best friend clocked it immediately. I didn't remember it should be a pun until later, but in hindsight I guess you could make a claim it's a pun on his bad eyesight. It wasn't intentionally a pun, but by now I'm attached to the name so it's not changing.
#atta answers#anon#ace attorney#kole naruhodo#gods i love this man so much#he's fun#he's just here to provide common sense and make bad jokes#he's like. forcibly sunny#sure he's seen shit but he's going to be happy anyways#maybe out of spite#that seems in character for him#and it's all genuine. he's genuinely a happy guy#he likes making bad jokes and teasing his cousin#and building things that are probably dangerous to be around#also please imagine trucy's first science fair after she gets adopted#because kole would be helping#something is on fire i can see it#he's the favorite uncle without question#i love him so much#as far as i'm concerned he's just canon now#phoenix's cousin who makes bad jokes and tricks out his own wheelchair#i'm sounding like a broken record saying i love him#but i love him#he's my favorite oc ever#i just want to reach out and hug and squeeze him#he makes me happy#gods i need to cut myself off now#i just love kole so much
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hi!! i'm asking bc of your poll on disability/arospec. i hope it doesn't bother you and i know that some cases are "in the border" of ablebodied/physical disabled and it all comes to each individual. but i wanted to ask your opinion on this. i call myself ablebodied bc i don't want to invade spaces, but i've seen some comments by physically disabled people that would consider me physically disabled 🤔
my eyesight is so bad that i wouldn't be able to keep myself safe on the street if i weren't wearing glasses and were on my own. but i have no problems at all when i'm wearing my glasses and i live in a country with free healthcare + my insurance gives me a free pair every year so it's very unlikely i end up in a situation in which i can't get new glasses if something happens to the ones i have. also i could have surgery for free when i turn 25 and it's probably i won't need glasses anymore. i don't want to, but it's an available option...
also i have some minor problems on my hips and feet (one of my hips is slightly taller than the other and i have a few problems on the way i distribute my weight on my feet for some reason). i need to use orthotics and running shoes (that does suck cost-wise lol) bc, if i don't, i can't walk more than a few blocks before my hips and legs start hurting. but with the shoes and orthotics i can walk as much as i want to pain-free and i can even train like doing squats and that kinda thing.
bc of that i call myself ablebodied. but also idk if i would still call myself ablebodied if my situation was different (ej: being poor in a different country, so not being able to afford glasses or orthotics or good shoes and having to walk long distances constantly in pain or having a physically demanding job in that situation). what do you think?
sorry for the long ask!!
I think it all depends on what's comfortable for you! Yes, if I was in your situation I'd probably call myself disabled but I'm not you.
You're absolutely right about people existing on the borders and self descriptive vocabulary is up to the individual. If you're happy calling yourself able-bodied, go for it! If you've been wondering about calling yourself [physically] disabled, try it, see how you feel; you can always go back to calling yourself abled.
May I also suggest the term "visually impaired"? I technically have a visual impairment (severe astigmatism and visual snow that can't be corrected with glasses), but I don't consider it a disability because I manage fine with it and it doesn't disrupt my life as much as, say my C.F.S./M.E.
In short everyone considers and experiences things differently and yeah. Ultimately the language we use to describe ourselves is up to us. I don't know what to say but I hope this helped you 👍
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Hey! Bunch of thoughts re: disabled werewolves. (I was super-interested in the Trans Werewolf discussion yesterday, because SO many of my friends are some flavor of genderqueer, but now we're getting into stuff I actually have some authority to comment on, so!) I think my biggest thoughts are about "invisible" disabilities, things that might-or-might-not count as disabilities, and accessibility aids/adaptive tech. (And tumblr's giving me a character limit so call this part 1/??)
(3/??) Which also sort of leads into the idea of congenital disabilities, things a character is born with. THESE SHOULD EXIST, even in magic werewolves. Biology, even Magic Biology, isn't/cannot be perfect. You're gonna have chromosomal nondisjunction and the occasional Downs Syndrome werewolf pup. If you can't have ADHD or autistic or bipolar or borderline or PTSD werewolves (and here's where we slide around re: "things that aren't necessarily disabilities"), then you're Doing It Wrong.
(4/??) Which doesn't mean you HAVE to put a ton of focus on such things! But they should be POSSIBLE. I don't have links to hand, but for writing, I strongly recommend looking up the social model of disability and thinking about how natural biological variation CAN become a thing that fucks with someone's ability to live a "normal" life when normal is defined a certain way. Lycanthropy itself is very commonly a social-model-of-disability metaphor, because the world isn't designed for werewolves
(5/??) Also on the subject of "things that might or might not count": are there fat werewolves? are there Deaf werewolves? (oh werewolf sign language would be COOL). These things aren't preternaturally perfect/beautiful, but bodies work a lot of different ways. (Do all your werewolves WANT to be pretty? Do they all see themselves that way? Are genderqueer/genderfluid werewolves the only ones who get to fuck around with their appearance shift to shift based on how they feel about who they are?)
(6/??) Anyway, adaptive tech! Which is really a larger issue of, "yes it still counts as disability even if the disabled character can still Do Things, and in fact that's the ideal." Ed Elric and Bucky Barnes with their super-cool metal arms still count, Geordi LaForge with his visor still counts. They can COMPENSATE, with use of tech and workarounds, the same as anyone who puts on glasses every day still intrinsically has bad eyesight.
(7/??) So how does werewolf magic help COMPENSATE for problems? Do you shift to maneuver through spaces you can't easily traverse as a human? To avoid chronic pain? To think more clearly/cope through depression? To gain a sense, or avoid overwhelming an overstimulated sense? Cure a migraine? Do you AVOID shifting because you spent eighteen years Deaf and suddenly being able to hear sucks, actually, and you don't want it? Can your wolf form be disabled and your human form not?
(8/8) Anyway I think my biggest advice re: disabled characters is that people who can't do things, adapt. They find workarounds, get tools/assistance, or realize that it's not actually necessary to do certain things that other people can. Sometimes that sucks! It's extra effort, harder, takes longer, more tiring, frustrating. Things objectively hurt. You feel like a burden for asking. Some things you just can't do. But LIFE can still be great, and there's romance novel space for that.
(oh shit sorry one more thing, 9/9): A disability doesn't have to be permanent to count! An injury that takes two years to heal is still an issue for those two years. Someone who HAD a disability during childhood, that healed itself at first shift, is going to have a different perspective on things even if they don't any more. /// Anyway, these are my ramblings! I think they're all anonymous, and I hope they helped. But feel free to ask more questions if you have them!
This is absolutely fantastic, thank you so much! I think Tumblr must have eaten your point 2, which is a crying shame because the rest is incredible.
Funnily enough, in a private message thread with someone else we discussed prostheses, and I have made a decision there - one of my main characters, a Beta to one of the Alpha main characters and therefore a Big Strong Warrior, also has the ability to summon/manipulate ice. He now has lost a hand in human form. Still has a paw as a wolf, but on the battle field, when he's in human form, he can make an Ice Prosthesis for himself (these books are very stupid and this makes him Painfully Cool, pun FULLY intended.) But, it's too much hassle to do in everyday life, so he doesn't generally bother otherwise.
Anyway, thank you so much for this, have a fantastic day
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please don’t bite [wong yukhei] (m)
part of the wasn’t on pawpose collab
summary: you’d always prided yourself on being able to read people well and managing yourself as an independent hybrid in a world that was still getting over that. but when lucas, your best friend, manages to get himself turned into a wolf hybrid, it has you second-guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself, him, and the both of you, together.
pairing: wolfhybrid!lucas x bunnyhybrid!femreader
genre: friends to enemies to lovers, fluff, smut, angst, thriller if you squint
warnings: language, lucas is a bit of a dick, medical experimentation, mentions of sexual harassment, knotting, breeding kink, mating cycles, degradation (use of the word bitch to be specific), dirty talk, biting, marking, size kink, possessiveness, jealousy, mentioned doyoung x reader, momentarily dubious consent, stomach bulging, slight predator x prey dynamic between lucas and reader
song rec: troye sivan - bite ♡ wonder girls - why so lonely ♡ neon trees - everybody talks ♡ harry styles - cherry ♡ the 1975 - tonight (i wish i was your boy) ♡ sunmi - 24/7 ♡ loona (jinsoul) - singing in the rain ♡ fall out boy - hold me tight, or don’t ♡ wayv - bad alive
word count: 17.6k
a/n: this turned out a lot longer and a lot angstier than i expected. also.... dont ask where yukhei’s human ears went. i don’t know either :P
masterlist
You were going to kill Lee Taemin, if the dean of your university didn’t do it first. This was all his fault.
It all started at the beginning of the semester, when Lucas, your best friend and roommate, had told you during dinner he was helping your older friend, Taemin with an experiment for his Ph.D. You'd expected him to say he'd be handing out surveys on Main Street or trying some new diet and writing down the effects, or something along those lines.
Nope, not at all. What he really said had thrown you for a loop. “Actually, I’m gonna be trying out some hybrid hormone pills he’s been working on that have finally been cleared for human testing.”
You’d choked on the pizza you were eating. “You’re going to do what!?” You cried when you finally managed to swallow your food.
“Dude, chill,” He answered, large hands waving back and forth passively, “Taemin hyung is 99% percent sure that they’re absolutely safe. I’m just supposed to go in for testing once a week and write down any side effects I feel, which, according to him, should be at most three or four, and they’re not even that major.”
“Okay…” You’d answered, quirking your head. You were still slightly wary, your ears twitching. "And Taemin's like, completely sure they're safe to eat?"
Lucas nodded, demeanor completely casual. His calm expression did nothing to deter your concerns, mind going a mile a minute when a new thought popped into your mind.
“Yukhei, what kind of hybrid hormones are you even taking? Predator hybrids or prey hybrids?”
His smile had disappeared slightly, and his eyes left your face to stare down at his plate. Your stomach sank, and your foot started tapping in distress.
“Wong Yukhei. What kind of hormones are they gonna give you.”
“They’re, uh… alpha wolf hormones.”
Your eyes widened, and he rushed to placate you. “Y/N, bunny, calm down. I know how you feel about predator hybrids, but I wouldn’t be doing this if I thought there was something weird about this whole thing. The dean is breathing down Taemin’s neck telling him not to fuck it up. Trust me, he wouldn’t be doing this if he wasn’t absolutely certain that it was safe.”
You chewed on your lips, before sighing. “Please be careful, Xuxi. You’re my best friend. I don’t want you to hurt yourself all because Taem wants to find a way to get taller after puberty.”
Lucas had laughed, glad that the mood in your kitchen had shifted from tense to slightly less tense. He grabbed your hand, your eyes dropping to glance at it for a second, before looking him in his eyes. “If you want… He told me earlier he’d be at the lab until like, midnight. Maybe we could go pay him a visit, and he can explain everything better, you know?”
You pursed your lips, glancing at the clock. It was almost eight. After a few seconds, you huffed, and nodded, the tension finally diffusing.
“Alright, alright, let me get my jacket.”
He grinned at you, and you flashed him a smile back, automatically endeared at his goofy expression as he disappeared to gather his things. You smiled to yourself, looking down at your hands which had fallen into your lap, sighing.
Too cute. He's too cute.
The walk to the campus lab took about fifteen minutes, maybe less. Lucas, despite being taller than you, actually walked at a much more snail-like pace, and thus fell victim to your playful teasing over his slow walk.
"You're part bunny," He pointed out, eyes briefly glancing at the white rabbit ears poking out from your hair, "You have that natural spring in your step."
"Bull," You countered with a smile, turning to face him, now walking backwards, "They disproved the whole ‘rabbit hybrids run faster than humans’ theory years ago. You just suck at walking, Xuxi."
"You just suck at walking, Xuxi," Lucas grumbled, mocking your tone, but there was no malice behind it. You laughed, turning as he took a few quicker strides to catch up. His hand came up to pat the spot between your fluffy ears at the top of your head, and you hummed in satisfaction as the door of the chemistry department finally came into view.
The ride up the elevator was quiet. You were still slightly uneasy, ears twitching, something Lucas easily picked up on. He flashed you a soft smile, pulling you closer.
“Everything will be fine, bunny. I promise.”
You nodded, pressing your head against his shoulder. You took a deep breath, taking in Lucas’s distinct scent of cinnamon. “I’m sorry I blew up at you earlier… But you gotta admit, it sounds risky. And with the side effects, I thought maybe it would affect behaviot, and a lot of predator hybrids are just huge dicks, sometimes, especially around prey hybrids, you know? They’re creepy and asshole-ish and, well, you remember the snow leopard guy we met at The Burrow a few months ago, right?”
Lucas’s eyes darkened, recalling the time you had to mace a hybrid at a bar because the guy was getting handsy with you, despite the fact that you had made it incredibly clear that you weren’t interested. He nodded, staring at his feet.
“I don’t want any of Taemin’s weird science hurting you or affecting your behavior.”
He nodded, eyes sympathetic. “I totally get it. But like I said earlier, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t trust hyung with it 100%, or if I thought that it could hurt me or you in any way. You’re my bunny, you know? I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know, I know, Xuxi, and I trust you… But I will cut Taemin’s legs off if you die.”
He shook his head, his amused smile growing lopsided on his features.
Finally, the elevator made a ding! and the doors slid open. The hallway was lit with industrial fluorescent lights, much brighter than the warm light of the elevator.
Lucas’s larger hand grabbed yours, leading you down the hallway.
“I don’t even remember the last time I saw Taem,” You mumbled, not really thinking about the topic, “It’s like he lives here now.”
“Yeah, I know,” Lucas replied, “Baekhyun hyung’s been begging him to just let it go for at least a night, but he’s obsessed.”
A few doors later, and you finally arrived at the one indicating it was the floor’s chemistry lab, and Lucas knocked once, twice, before a soft, muffled voice said, “Come in!”
Lucas opened the door, letting you step in first before following suit and closing the door behind him. On the other end of the lab, stood a thin, short man facing away from the both of you, typing away at a laptop. You knew it was Taemin, he smelled like Taemin, but your mind didn’t immediately register that it was him; his ashy blond hair was up in a hairnet, he was wearing a long lab coat, and there were blue latex gloves covering his hands.
“Hyung?” Lucas asked, and the typing stopped abruptly as Taemin turned, took in the sight of the both of you, before flashing a gummy smile.
“Hey! Y/N, long time, no see. And Yukhei!! Just the person I wanted to talk to.” His tone was pleasant, excited. “I wanted to talk to you about your hormone treatment.”
“That’s great, because we wanted to talk to you about it also.”
Taemin furrowed his eyebrows, giving a slight shake of his head. His eyes flicked back and forth between you and Lucas. “We?”
Your eyes widened before holding out your hands. You exchanged a brief look with Lucas, whose ears were a bright red.
“I wanted to know about the whole wolf hormone thing because… you know. Well, you know how we live together, and prey hybrids and predator hybrids don’t really get along well, you know? I mean, I know that it’s just hormones, but… should we be worried about anything? Should I be worried?”
Taemin’s mouth dropped open slightly as he registered what you said, and he shut his eyes before shaking your head.
“No, not at all! I totally understand your concerns, Y/N. We’re using several different test subjects for the human testing, all with different circumstances, but they’re our ‘demographic’ when it comes to using the treatment. A few are hard of hearing, others have suffered physical trauma in their legs or arms, some have poor eyesight. Our intention with using wolf hormones is to see if it can be used as adequate treatment for specific disabilities.”
“Lucas doesn’t have any of those things?” You said, confused. You glanced at Lucas, who was still watching Taemin, before the latter spoke again.
“He’s part of a separate group, people who have no major medical ailments or physical disabilities. We want to see what the effects could be on the statistically average human.”
You nodded, still feeling slightly uneasy despite Taemin’s otherwise chipper attitude. “So the expected changes are going to be mostly physical? No behavioral side effects?”
“A few behavioral side effects, but nothing major. Increased appetite, irritability, high energy, maybe increased libido. Nothing too major. Mostly we’re trying to see if he gets stronger, or if his hearing and eyesight improve… I understand you feel worried, Y/N, but the members of my research team and I have been working around the clock to make sure that these pills are absolutely safe for human consumption. From our research, there’s like, a 98.7% chance that nothing other than the expected side effects will show up, and those aren’t really behavioral at all.”
“Why not 100%?” You asked, eyes shifting back and forth uneasily.
Taemin grimaced, gaze sympathetic as he exchanged a look with Lucas, and then with you. “Well, nothing is ever 100% confirmed, so science doesn’t really lend itself to certainty, y’know?”
That had been two months ago.
For the first two weeks, everything seemed like it would be fine. Lucas’s only complaints about the hormone pills were that they made his hair grow a bit faster and that they were so big that they were hard to swallow. Then… things started to happen.
First, he started to eat a whole lot more. Every time you saw him between classes, he seemed to be chewing on something. You were grateful he wasn’t touching your food, because he seemed to only ever be eating meat.
“Didn’t Taemin say I’d probably get hungrier?” He asked one night, eating a ham sandwich as he sat on the couch. You were resting your head on his thigh, scrolling through Instagram while hoping that any crumbs wouldn’t fall into your hair or your ears.. You set down your phone, blinking as you tried to remember, before nodding.
“Yeah, he did. Shouldn’t you write that down?”
“Uhh… Yeah.” He stood, you sitting up, and walked towards his room, probably to do as you suggested, before he called out to you one last time. He at least had the decency to look a bit sheepish.
“Hey bunny, can you, uh, order some Chinese food?”
Then he started complaining about loud noises. However, from what you could tell, there were no loud noises at all. Your rabbit ears, from what you understood, had similar hearing to that of humans, only you were slightly more sensitive to higher frequencies. So you were incredibly confused when Lucas barged in while you were pacing in your room, going over flashcards for an exam, dark eyes glaring at you. He seemed slightly ticked off.
“Can you please stop stomping around in here? I’m trying to finish a paper.”
Your eyebrows furrowed, and you glanced down at your feet, which were covered by a pair of fuzzy socks. “Uhh, I’m not stomping?”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Y/N, I’m serious, stop yelling. This paper is due tomorrow and it’s like 15% of my final grade.”
“And I’m serious too?” Your tone was perplexed, because you weren’t yelling at all, “I was just pacing, Xuxi, like this.”
You took a few steps back and forth to show him, footsteps light, barely audible, and his face scrunched up in discomfort.
“But… it’s so loud. It’s giving me a headache.”
You made a face, before your eyebrows shot up, and your ears did as well.
“Do you think it’s because of the hormones?” You asked, lowering your voice so it was just above a whisper, “Taemin said that would probably happen, remember? Wolves have crazy hearing.”
He opened his mouth to answer, before closing it again. He flashed you a weird look, before shaking his head. “Okay...? I’ll tell hyung that it’s working… But like, can you please just sit down while you study?”
You nodded, sympathetic, and he closed the door. But a few seconds later, he reopened it. He looked a bit confused. “Is that… new perfume?”
It was your turn to make a face at him. “Huh?”
He shook his head, still looking confused. “Uh, nothing,” He mumbled, waving a dismissive hand, “Never mind. Forget I asked.”
He closed the door a final time, and you were left even more weirded out than you already were.
Somehow, he got even taller than he already was. A few days later when you were making breakfast for the both of you and you had your back turned, he came and hugged you from behind, still addled with sleep. You paid him no mind, continuing your task. One of his arms wrapped itself around your neck, almost as if he were trying to put you into a loving headlock, something he often did. In response, you did what you often did whenever he did so, which was to nuzzle your chin against his forearm.
"Good morning," He hummed, voice deep and raspy, “That smells good."
“For you,” You answered, scrunching up your nose as you turned over the bacon, “I feel like you forget sometimes that my genes make me a herbivore, Xuxi.”
Lucas stepped away, and you frowned at the loss of warmth. “Eh, sometimes. Do you want me to grab a plate?”
You set down the spatula before turning off the stove, as you turned to face him.
“You can serve yours—oh my god.”
You had lifted your head to where you usually did to look up at Lucas, and for some reason, had only been met with his neck. You craned your neck back even further, and met his eyes, which held a confused look, eyebrows furrowed, mouth agape.
“Did you get… smaller?”
“No,” You mumbled, still in disbelief, “I think you got… bigger. H-how tall exactly were you again?”
“Uh, 1.83 meters.”
You nodded, closing your mouth. “Yeah, you’re definitely more than that now.”
Lucas peered down at you, gaze slightly concerned. “This is starting to get really weird. Should I write this down?”
You frowned, looking him up and down. The shirt he’d went to bed with, an oversized white tee, now fit him better. “Yukhei, at this point, I think you should go see Taemin. Did he even mention growth spurts?”
Lucas blinked, before pushing the hair out of his still puffy, sleep ridden eyes. “Hmm, I don’t think he did. I’ll eat breakfast and then go see him.”
According to Lucas, when he’d gotten back, Taemin had been over the moon when he’d measured him and found he’d grown almost 11 centimeters in his sleep, now standing at 1.94 meters.
Everything had been somewhat tolerable. Not yet batshit insane. Lucas’s mood swings were relatively easy to handle as long as you left him alone whenever he seemed pissy, and he always apologized afterwards. He started staying up even later, but you didn’t really mind since he did his best not to be too loud.
Sure, the fact that his hair started growing faster and ended up in the shower drain when he decided to “manscape” (his words, not yours) was gross, but bearable. His random bursts of energy, making him even more eccentric than he already was, were kind of like babysitting a huge, five year old Lucas doped up on caffeine. Which, while a bit more tiring to put up with, had not yet crossed into uncanny territory.
Yet.
It all came to a head one Sunday morning, when Lucas had woken you up when he started screaming from the bathroom. You were woken from your peaceful slumber, and immediately stumbled out of bed to see what was going on, tripping on your way out the door in your panic.
“Yukhei!?” You shouted, slamming the door open. Your eyes were wide. Your heart was racing. Immediately your nose was hit with a strange odor. That put you even more on edge than you already were. Your eyes scanned the small bathroom in a haste. Your eyes fell to the corner. There, was Lucas, huddling. Knees to his chest, hands covering the top of his head, trembling and babbling incoherently, the sound muffled by the fact that his face was buried somewhere in between his knees and his chest.
“Y-Yukhei?” You repeated again, this time quieter, breathing heavily, anxiously. Was he having a panic attack? Was this a side effect of the treatment? “C-can I come closer?”
He trembled, not giving you an answer, still mumbling to himself. He seemed almost catatonic. Swallowing the lump in your throat at seeing your closest friend like this, you steeled yourself. Crouching, and slowly making your way to him, you cautiously held out an arm, and slowly, slowly, touched his hand.
He immediately flinched away, your heart dropping at his action. He sniffled, letting out a little sob, and tears sprung into your eyes. You blinked them away as best you could. He needed someone to lean on, and you couldn’t do that if you were an emotional mess.
“No, no,” He cried, voice small. “Please, stay away.”
“Yukhei,” You murmured, voice wavering, “I’m not gonna leave you like this. W-what’s wrong? Tell me Xuxi, please. You’re scaring me.”
“Y-you’ll hate me.”
You gasped quietly, resting your hand on his. “Xuxi… I could never hate you.”
“Even looking like this!?” He snapped harshly, lifting his gaze, dropping his arms, and you fell back onto your butt in shock. Your mouth fell open, eyes wide, white ears stood at full attention.
You peered into Lucas’s teary, red rimmed eyes. Only they weren’t Lucas’s eyes. Lucas’s eyes had always been a deep, rich brown, reminiscent of the earth. But these eyes were a bright, glowing amber, seeming almost radioactive in how much brighter they were than Lucas's old eye color.
Your mouth moved as you scrambled to say something, but no sound came out. Your eyes caught the attention of something twitching atop Lucas’s head, and you blinked dumbly, taking in the salt and pepper pointy ears peeking out between his caramel colored hair, before scanning his entire body and taking in the thick tail swishing back and forth behind him.
The blood in your body ran cold as you took a deep breath through the nose. Lucas’s signature scent of cinnamon was still there, but now overpowered by the strange odor from earlier. You realized with a chill that the scent was earthy, musky, a smell you were no stranger to as a hybrid. Your animal instincts automatically kicked in, whispering in your mind: predator. wolf. danger. danger. danger.
“I…” Your voice was hoarse as you pushed yourself up onto the balls of your feet, inching closer towards him slowly, despite the hairs on your neck standing straight up and telling you to run far, far away.
“Y-Yukhei, what happened?”
He shook his head, shaking like a leaf. “I don’t know,” He mumbled in a daze, and although he was staring at you with those strange yellow eyes, you got the impression from the blank look in them that he wasn’t really looking at you. “I woke up, and I c-came in here and I looked in the mirror and…”
He didn’t finish, but you got the point. You pursed your lips, before making your way towards him, but he let out a groan and you froze in your spot as he knocked his head against the wall, eyes fluttering shut.
“What is that smell?” He growled, “Why do you smell like that?”
“Like what?” You asked quietly, anticipating his answer. He shook his head, cracking his eyes open ever so slightly to peer at you. His gaze seemed to freeze you in place.
“Like… jasmine? I mean, it’s so strong…”
You stared at him, wide-eyed, unable to tell him that that was your characteristic scent as a hybrid. You were still reeling from the fact that Lucas, who up until yesterday, aside from a few obnoxious habits, had been very human, was now a hybrid just like you, with ears and a tail and…
You glanced down at his gritted teeth, taking note of the very, very sharp canines that had seemingly grown overnight.
You gulped, looking up at him. His wide eyes showed you that he was just as terrified as you were, and you swallowed back your wariness when your heart clenched at the sight. He needed help more than you needed comforting.“We need to get you to Taemin. Now.”
You had to force Lucas into his car, which was not easy in his dazed state, considering he was so much bigger than you. Towering over you, pure muscle, and basically a limp rag doll. In your panic, you’d forgotten your phone, your pants, and to give Lucas some shoes. You did the driving despite the fact that it was his car. He still seemed too frazzled to do so, so you buckled him up and started the ten minute drive to Taemin’s apartment.
On the way, you did your best to ignore the situation at hand. That just because Lucas was a predator hybrid now didn’t automatically make him like the rest of them. Lucas wasn’t like the pervy fox hybrids who would follow you for blocks when you were in high school. He wasn’t like the snow leopard you’d forced off of yourself. He was Lucas, he was Yukhei. He was your Xuxi, and you needed to repeat yourself that he wouldn’t hurt a fly.
The silence in the car was tense. You were sure that with his heightened senses, Lucas could hear everything, and you didn’t want to say anything to upset him further. He didn’t say anything to you. You didn’t say anything to him. And when you parked in front of Taemin’s apartment building, you got him out of the car, and grabbed him by the hand to walk to the door.
You were grateful it was Sunday morning. There weren’t that many people out on the street as you tapped your foot impatiently, pressing the button to buzz the comm on Taemin’s apartment incessantly. The few people that did pass were more focused on your sleep-addled bedhead and bare feet than anything else, and you thanked the universe for the fact that your oversized sleep shirt fell to your mid thighs.
“It’s eight in the morning. Literally what do you want,” A deep, groggy voice grumbled, and you rolled your eyes. Finally.
“It’s Y/N and Lucas,” You said into the speaker, pressing a hand to your forehead in frustration. “You need to see this, now.”
“Uhh, it’s Jongin,” The voice mumbled, and your eyes squeezed shut. He sounded so hungover. And whenever Jongin was hungover, that probably meant Taemin was hungover as well, and that it was generally Baekhyun’s idea.
“Wake Taem up, please, Nini,” You pleaded desperately. “It’s life or death.”
“Fine, fine, okay. Come on up.”
When you made it up to their floor, a bedraggled Jongin opened the door. He was shirtless, his hair was sticking up in random spots, his face was still puffy, and he didn’t look happy to be woken up.
He looked you up and down, eyebrows furrowing at your appearance. “I swear this had better be good,” He told you, before turning to look at Lucas, “or I’m gonna—”
Jongin cut himself off as he registered the pointy ears, the fluffy tail, and the glowing yellow eyes. His eyes widened, certainly looking more awake now. His mouth started moving, but no sound came out.
“I—uh—is this why—?”
“Get Taemin,” You snapped, ready to kill him. You were furious, to say the least, ready to barge in and kick Taemin’s ass. This was his fault, all in the name of mad science. But then you added softly, voice wavering, “I don’t know what to do.”
For someone who almost never stopped talking, Taemin had nothing to say, for once. Instead, his eyes turned wide as saucers, his eyebrows jumped up to his hairline, and you were sure that if his jaw could have dropped any lower, it would have fallen below sea level. When he finally did manage to speak, his voice was small and unsure, and he never stopped gawking at the ears on Lucas’s head.
“Uh… Y-Y/N, Jongin, could you give us a minute, please?”
So you did, letting them walk off to Taemin’s bedroom, and as Jongin sat you down on the couch to make you some tea, Baekhyun emerged from his own bedroom. Baekhyun at least looked a bit more awake than the dynamic duo, who, in their hungover state, both looked like the walking dead.
“Y/N?” He asked, seeing you on the couch. He had a small but confused smile on his face. “What are you doing here…?”
“You’re not gonna believe what Taemin did to Yukhei,” Jongin’s voice declared from the kitchen. Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows, craning his head once, to look at Taemin’s shut door, again, to look at Jongin standing at the cupboard, and then to you, sitting on the couch with a blank stare on your face.
Baekhyun blinked. “Shit, did he kill him?”
You pursed your lips, staring at him wide eyed, eyebrows furrowed. Your look was meant to convey something along the lines of, you’ve got to be kidding me. And by the way Baekhyun grimaced at himself a few moments later, broad shoulders scrunching up, he got the message loud and clear.
“Sorry. Just trying to lighten the situation, I guess?”
“Not helping, hyung,” Jongin huffed as he made his way over to you, handing you the warm mug of tea. You accepted it with a quiet “thanks,” before blowing on the tea and taking a quick sip.
“What even happened?” Jongin’s deep voice was quiet, concerned. He sat down next to you, and Baekhyun sat down on your other side.
So you told the story from the beginning of the treatment, all the way up to when you decided to bring Lucas to Taemin. The hearing, the growth spurt, his mood swings. They listened, nodding along to the story and thankfully, not interrupting. From Baekhyun, at least, that was surprising.
When you finished, you looked at them, then at your tea, which didn't feel as hot anymore. You lifted the mug to your lips, relishing the warm chamomile taste as Baekhyun opened his mouth to speak. Still not very comforting, but at least you were filling your stomach with something.
"Wow…" He mumbled, still in slight disbelief. "So, Yukhei's a hybrid now?"
“I guess. I don’t know.” Your voice sounded empty.
Jongin sighed, gaze pensive. “What’s gonna happen between the two of you, though? You live together. You of all people know that prey hybrids and predator hybrids, living together in tiny spaces don’t really mix well.”
You frowned, settling the mug down on their coffee table. “It’s not like he’s gonna become one of those asshole-y hybrids overnight, y’know?”
“Didn’t you say he snapped at you this morning?” Baekhyun asked, tilting his head. “You said he was having mood swings, too.”
You shook your head, fluffy ears flattening against it as the stress seemed to accumulate in your body. “It wasn’t like that. I think he was just freaked out. And as for his mood swings… I don’t know.”
An awkward silence filled the room, and you gazed at your hands on your lap.
“Uh, Y/N…” Jongin mumbled, tips of his ears a bright red, “A-are you wearing pants?”
“Oh,” You answered dumbly, feeling your face heat up, “Um… No? I kind of panicked and, uh, forgot to put some on.”
Jongin stood, holding out a hand. “Come on, you can borrow one of mine. You must be cold, right?”
You nodded, glancing at Baekhyun, who had a sympathetic smile on his face. You looked back to Jongin, and took his hand to stand up. He pulled you toward his room, trying to make you smile by telling you about his drunken escapades with Baekhyun and Taemin during karaoke.
“Baekhyun almost got us kicked out while he was singing some Mamamoo song,” He said with a laugh, “You know how loud he gets.”
You smiled, giggling quietly as he opened a drawer, searching for something you could wear. After a few moments of fumbling around, he pulled out a pair of gray sweatpants, and shuffled towards you.
“So,” You said, reaching for the fabric, “I’m guessing you and Taemin did your usual rendition of Fergali—”
The sound of a door opening across the hall interrupted you, one ear lifting as you turned your head. Taemin emerged, Lucas trailing behind him. Taemin had changed out of his pajamas and was now wearing some jeans and a t-shirt. Your eyes immediately met Lucas’s, but a second after, his eyes fell to Jongin, then the pair of pants you were reaching out for, then back to you. His gaze was hollow, unreadable, but his eyes still shone bright amber. Jongin tucked the fabric into your hands, and took a step away from you. He cleared his throat awkwardly.
“Hey, man, how are you doing?”
“Not really good, if I’m honest,” Lucas answered, practically glaring at the older man. You frowned at his tone. He was rarely this quiet.
“I did a quick check-up,” Taemin declared, “I don’t see any immediate risk, he seems to be safe for now.”
Your shoulders sagged, as you sighed in relief, tension leaving your body.
“But I’m still taking him to the lab,” Taemin said, eyes serious. “We never foresaw these... mutations. I need to run some tests and contact the team and the other test subjects. Y/N, you can stay here if you want, I don’t think Jongin and Baek hyung would mind—”
“Head home, Y/N,” Lucas interjected, deep voice serious and clipped. He kept shifting his eyes in between you and Jongin. “I woke you up, you should go get some more sleep.”
The deep authority in his voice startled you. A small thought crossed your mind, submit, obey, and you realized that these were your rabbit instincts kicking in as it registered a predator in your midst. And that only happened when predator hybrids used a specific tone of speech, one used only to take command over a situation with other hybrids. It was a bit hard to disobey, but not impossible. With a chill, you realized he was probably doing this subconsciously.
This wasn’t how things were supposed to work, not with Lucas. Yes, Lucas had become this thing that you’d been told to fear, but it wasn’t necessarily him. You blinked, looking at Jongin, then at Taemin. You realized that Taemin and Jongin were staring at each other awkwardly, before looking at Lucas again. Despite your sleepy state, you knew your anxiety wouldn’t let you rest. And to be frank, you didn’t want to be alone after what had happened. “I could wait for you here, Xuxi, and then we could head back home together—”
“I can drop him off at your place!” Taemin said, an awkward smile plastered on his face. “It’s no problem, you should head on home…” You furrowed your eyebrows, before nodding slowly at having your actions countered.
“Huh,” You answered slowly, remembering all of the times Taemin had gotten pissy about giving you and Lucas a ride home (gas money, he complained), even though his apartment wasn’t that far from yours, “Okay…? I’ll head home in a little bit. You guys be careful.”
Lucas nodded, face not changing. He was upset, you could tell, but he was completely justified, given everything that he’d been through. You didn’t appreciate him taking it out on everyone around him, though.
“Yukhei, let’s go.” Taemin seemed all too eager to drag Lucas away, and you watched, bewildered at the strange shift in energy between the three men. You’d known Jongin and Taemin since your freshman year of college, and Lucas since junior year of high school. Never had you seen the three of them act like this.
You turned to Jongin once you heard the front door close. He was shifting back and forth awkwardly. “That was… weird.”
“Well,” He said, scratching at the back of his neck, “This whole morning has been a bit weird, don’t you think?”
You gave a sardonic smile, trying to figure out how to explain your thoughts. “I mean, yeah, but… I don’t know. Regardless of that, everything just seemed off between the three of you.”
Jongin’s eyes met yours. He looked a bit taken aback.
“You can’t be serious.”
You shook your head. “What?”
Jongin’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh my god,” He muttered, more to himself, “You really don’t know.”
“Jongin, what?”
“Yukhei likes you,” Jongin confessed, rubbing at his chin, “He has for years.”
Your ears shoot straight up, eyes widening. Immediately your face heated up, and your free hand shot upwards, waving them back and forth.
"What? Huh? No. No, no, no. We’re just—"
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” He countered, “You’re friends. But he wants to be more. He’s told me so, several times.”
When you didn’t answer, he walked around you to sit on his bed. He sighed, looking upwards as he gathered his thoughts, trying to figure out what to say.
“Y/N, you’re smart. And you’re an independent person, and you value that because of how some people still treat hybrids. Especially prey hybrids. I know that. You know that. Yukhei knows that. But…” He sighed again, shaking his head.
“You don’t see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking. He… he looks at you like you’re the only person in the world, or like you invented pizza, or something. And right now, his behavior…”
He groaned in exasperation, and you raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“I don’t know how to put it other way than territorial,” He grumbled with a frown, “The way he was acting was like that look, but more aimed at me. Like, she’s the only one I see, don’t look at her the way I do. And I’m no expert on hybrid behavior, but…”
You didn’t know what to think, but you completed his thought anyway.
“...You think Lucas was acting possessive.”
“I don’t think, I know,” He said, “He seemed really standoffish, and you should be careful. Not because he’s dangerous—this is Yukhei we’re talking about—but because it might strain your friendship.”
You remained silent for a few seconds, absorbing everything he’d told you.
You didn’t want to believe him.
You went home not much later, trying to process everything you’d seen and heard that morning in the silence of the car as you drove through traffic, still pantsless. You didn’t feel comfortable accepting Jongin’s pants after everything he’d pointed out in Lucas’s behavior.
Lucas, your mind continued to think, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas.
You’d known Lucas for so long at this point, he’d always just been your best friend. You’d never really wanted anything else from him.
You knew people had been expecting the two of you to get together for years. Your friends had told you, your family had told you, and now, his friends had told you that there was something going on between you and him. And every time, you’d been adamant to deny it. No, he’s like my brother. No, he’s my best friend. No, I don’t see him that way. No, he’s seeing someone. No, I don’t have time for a relationship, anyway.
Lucas was attractive, you knew that. You had eyes. You had ears. Regardless of his looks, he was effortlessly charming and funny, and that would make anyone attractive. You saw how people swooned and fawned over him, despite him rarely being interested. But he’d always just been your best friend, the one who supported you through everything and made you laugh on your darkest days. And from living with him for the past few years, you considered it a bit awkward to be attracted to someone after seeing them scratch their ass as nonchalantly as possible in front of you as he had.
That was until this morning, when he’d spoken using that tone of voice. You still weren’t sure how to feel about that. It gave you the chills, but... not in the way you’d expected. Something instinctual had begged you to submit to him. That didn’t usually happen to you when you heard other hybrids used that tone. Usually, you would feel a small tug in your gut, maybe a small flutter of anxiousness, but most of the time all it achieved was a roll of your eyes. But not with him. Not with Lucas.
You thought about it the entire way home. You thought about it on the way up to your apartment. You thought about it as you crawled into your bed, closed your eyes, and finally allowed your mind to be at peace once more. You slept until noon, then made yourself some lunch, showered, and worked on a few assignments you had for your classes.
Lucas came home several hours later, just before 7 PM. He no longer seemed as tense as this morning, but tired, instead. You didn’t blame him. His eyes had faded back to their warm, welcoming shade of brown, which didn’t surprise you. Wolf hybrids’ eyes tended to glow like that whenever they were on edge about something.
“How are you doing?” You asked, as he sat down on the couch. “Is everything alright?”
Slowly, you sat down next to him, wondering if he’d still be snappy as he had this morning. His neck turned to look down at you, and with a deep sigh, he nodded.
“Medically, I’m sound. They still need to run a few tests, to see if this is something permanent, or not. I’ve been ordered to stop taking the pills, for now.”
You nodded, giving him a small smile out of relief.
“Thank god,” You murmured, “I was worried about that. But how are you doing?”
He swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing as he did so. He shrugged, pursing his lips. His body shifted towards you, and before you knew it, he’d tackled you into a hug, burying his face into your neck. He seemed to be holding back tears again, and your eyes fluttered shut as he spoke again. “Honestly? I don’t know,” He said, voice small and muffled against your skin, “Things like this are so… different. I found out several things have changed basically overnight.”
“Like what?” Your arms came to wrap around him, trying to calm him down.
“Fuck, I don’t even know. Like, I can smell so much more, now. I can see in the dark, apparently? I can hear so much, Y/N. I’ve been poked and prodded all day and no one knows if this is gonna go away and I’m just… I’m scared.”
He shook his head, shifting to bury his head again, but this time into the other side of your neck. Your hand began to comb through his hair, trying to avoid touching the furry ears that now resided atop his head.
You shook your head, humming. You rested your chin against his shoulder, nuzzling into his form, and his large hands rose to your waist, arms wrapping around it. You looked down when you saw vague movement from below your gaze, and smiled to yourself when you saw Yukhei's tale wagging with contentment.
“Everything will work out fine, Yukhei,” You whispered, “What matters now is that you’re safe, you’re healthy. You’re so strong, Xuxi. Whatever life throws at you, even if it knocks you down, you always get up with that big smile of yours and keep going.”
He nodded against your neck, cuddling even closer to you. “Thank you,” He answered, before pulling his head away. His eyebrows were furrowed, dark eyes peering into yours from above you.
“This morning,” He mumbled, “When you were in Jongin hyung’s room. I said something. And I don’t know what it was but it felt…”
You forced your face to remain blank and expressionless, and broke eye contact, trying to gather your words. God, you didn’t know what to tell him. “Oh… Yeah. That’s sort of a, uh, special tone more dominant predator hybrids use. I don’t really know how to explain it. I’m sure there’s some scientific term, but uh… yeah.”
“Oh.” He pulled away from you slowly, resting against the couch. You nodded awkwardly.
“I don’t hate you,” You said suddenly. “This morning, in the bathroom, you didn’t want to let me look at you because you thought I’d hate you… I don’t. I could never.”
He smiled, but didn’t meet your eyes. “We don’t have to make this awkward, do we? I don’t feel any different just because of… this. You’re still my best friend, Y/N.”
You nodded, smiling. “Why should it be awkward? I don't think this will change anything, Xuxi.”
Finally, he looked at you, and your eyes found his. His smile grew, and yours did as well.
“I’m gonna go to bed,” He said moments later, as his hand rose to rub at his neck, “I’m insanely tired.”
“Good night, Xuxi,” You told him as he stood.
“Good night, bunny.”
When he walked into his room without another word, you watched as he did so, closing the door to his room, right across the hall from yours. You rubbed at a kink in your neck, inhaling deeply as you did so.
A few moments later, you stopped, eyebrows furrowing. You frowned, ears perking up ever so slightly as something gained your attention. You sniffled once, twice, three times.
Usually, you couldn’t perceive your own hybrid scent unless you consciously thought of it, kind of like when a person thinks of breathing and starts doing it manually rather than automatically. But now, you couldn’t do it.
Instead, only the scent that you’d registered this morning as Lucas’s remained in its place. Your breath hitched as you realized that Lucas, in hugging you and burying his face in your neck, had scented you.
There’s no way he did that on purpose… right?
Did Lucas even know about scenting? Was he even aware that it was a courting gesture between hybrids, and a way to tell other hybrids to back off?
Your mind drifted back to what Jongin had said this morning, and you sighed as you once again contemplated the situation. Within a day, both your life and Lucas’s had made a turn for the stranger, and no one knew whether this would be permanent or not.
Shaking your head to yourself, you stood, making your way to your room. This is only awkward if I make it awkward. Lucas doesn’t know hybrid behavior very well because up until this morning, he wasn’t one. Y/N L/N, you’re not going to make this awkward. This isn’t about you being ‘uncomfortable’, this is about Lucas’s wellbeing. You’re not going to make this awkward, you’re not going to make this awkward!
When you reached your door, you took one last glance at Lucas’s door, deciding that you would do your best to help him, for his sake.
It couldn’t get that awkward, right? Especially not if you tried your best to make it as such. The both of you could continue living as if nothing had changed, right?
Wrong.
The next few days, it was almost as if the conversation you’d had that night had never happened, but not for your lack of trying. The next morning when you emerged from your bedroom, you found that Lucas was already gone, probably off to class. You shrugged it off, but still found it kind of strange.
When you got home from your classes and studying at the library, he was in the kitchen, eating a sandwich, and you greeted him, and he answered with a vague “hello”, not really paying you much attention. You thought it was strange, but chalked it up to him probably being tired.
Then it happened the next day, and the day after that, and the next day, and the next, and the next. And almost overnight, you had no idea who this person who had replaced your best friend was. You felt hurt, trying your best to speak to him when you returned to your apartment. He wouldn’t budge, and you’d back off before you pissed him off too much.
He didn’t look at you the same way he once did. It was like all of the warmth and happiness from his eyes had been sucked out of them, leaving a winter that rivaled the north pole. You couldn’t recall the last time he’d laughed around you.
You missed Lucas. You really did, and the worst thing was that you couldn’t tell if he felt the same thing. You didn’t want to confront him, telling yourself he was going through a tough time. You could tell it frustrated him, having this new tail twitch and to knock something over, the augmented senses distorting and amplifying everything around him.
He confessed about three weeks, in a clipped tone, that Taemin couldn’t be sure if it was permanent or not. Nothing like this had ever happened to anyone before. There was no way test designed for this situation, and Taemin would have to design a safe way to test it. Which meant time, money, and patience. Two of which, those being money and patience, Lucas had never had much of.
“Oh, Xuxi,” You’d sighed when he told him, “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be.” He set down the textbook he’d been holding onto the table. “You didn’t do it.”
You stepped forward, and he stepped back, almost immediately as you had. You frowned. “Please don’t do that,” You mumbled, now kind of angry.
“Do what,” He sighed, as if the conversation was exhausting.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know.” You were glaring at him now. “You’ve been avoiding me like the goddamn plague.”
“And what if I am?” He asked, turning to face you. The ears on his head twitched restlessly, and his eyes were burning with what seemed to be contempt. “What if I can’t stand to be around you anymore?”
Your eyes widened, taken aback. After weeks of him not giving you the time of day, for him to say that was too much for you to take sitting down. You scoffed angrily, tapping your foot anxiously. “Excuse me? Where is this coming from?”
He stood up straight, and somewhere in your mind, a little alarm went off in your head at the sheer size of him. He always slouched, just a little. To see him like this, especially now that he’d grown so much, was jarring.
“You heard me,” He said in a tone you could only describe as threatening, taking a step towards you, and this time, you took a step back. “I can't stand being around you anymore. I can’t stand your face, or your voice, or your scent, or your voice. You get on my nerves, and sometimes I swear, I just wanna...”
He didn’t finish.
You shook your head, laughing humorlessly, despite the fact that your heart was cracking with every passing second. You didn’t know this person. Sadness and anger swirled in your chest, creating a mixture that made you grit your teeth.
You weren’t backing down from this, not after giving him space to himself only to turn around and tell you this. You took a step forward, crossing your arms. “Um, why? What did I ever do or say?”
He didn’t answer, fully scowling now. His eyes studied your face, but after a few moments, it dropped lower. You realized almost immediately he was looking at your neck. You swallowed nervously, forcing yourself to not look away when he met your eyes again.
Still, no answer, and you groaned, causing him to snap out of his strange reverie. “Fine. Don’t fucking tell me. See if I care, Yukhei.”
You stepped away from him one last time, walking towards your room.
“I don’t owe you a fucking explanation, you know! I don’t owe you shit!” He yelled, and you jumped at his sudden burst of anger. You turned, incredulous. Even he seemed to be shocked by the volume of his voice, wolf ears pressed against his head, like a puppy who’d just gotten chastised.
“And I don’t need you yelling at me! Just because you hate me doesn’t give you the right to treat me like shit!” You answered desperately, just as loud. You hated the way that your voice cracked towards the end of your tirade, eyes welling with tears and throat closing up. You blinked the tears back furiously, taking one final look at the increasingly sad look on his face before slamming your bedroom door behind you.
Finally alone, you took a few deep breaths, trying to think over what had just happened.
You’d known Yukhei for years. Never once had he raised his voice at you or anyone else. And here he’d just exploded at you, telling you that he couldn’t stand you or the things that made you, well, you.
You sat on your bed, body numb, as the tears began to flow freely. But you couldn’t bring yourself to make noise. You couldn’t bring yourself to curl up sob into your pillow . You knew that he would most likely be able to hear you if you did, and you didn’t want to give him that satisfaction.
Instead, you laid back, trying your hardest to control your breathing, and fell asleep like that, with the tears falling into your hair, eyeliner and mascara streaking along your skin, feeling utterly destroyed.
After that, you felt yourself giving him an even wider berth than before. You didn’t speak to him unless you absolutely needed to, like when you couldn’t reach the sugar that had suspiciously ended up on the highest shelf, (even though you were the only one to use it) and needed him to hand it to you.
If you walked into the living room and he also happened to be in there, you two would meet eyes briefly, before you walked away. His gaze was never cold, but rather emotionless. Indifferent, bordering on unreadable. It still hurt to see. The only thing that could describe the mood of the apartment was tense. You quickly learned to hate living in such a suffocating environment.
The only "good" thing was that finals were right around the corner, so you were able to distract yourself from the whole situation and pour all of your concentration into studying into the wee hours of the morning.
But that only lasted for so long.
Taemin had mentioned a heightened libido as a side effect of the treatment. As far as you could tell, Yukhei didn't give off any signs of that. It didn’t even make sense, considering he’d stopped taking the pills ever since the mutation had occurred.
However, for some reason, the universe decided that it wanted to cause you trouble on purpose.
You came home one day to strange noises coming from Yukhei's bedroom. And when you got closer, it didn't take much for you to realize what was going on between him and whoever he'd brought home. Deep groans, high pitched moaning, and the undeniable sound of skin slapping against skin. Even worse, the smell. It smelled like sex, and sweat, and Yukhei.
Maybe if you'd been human, you wouldn't have smelled it. But alas, you weren't, and so your heightened sense of smell painted a picture you didn't want to see. Of Yukhei and some stranger, him on top of her, fucking brutally into her.
"Yes, fuck, right there!"
You damn near jumped out of your skin, then immediately cringing because… well. How could you describe the nasty feeling building suddenly in the pit of your stomach? It wasn't disgust. It wasn't… no. It couldn't be jealousy. Could it have been a mix of the two?
You couldn't be sure.
And that was only the first time it'd happened. Soon enough, it was happening two or three times a week.
You suddenly started spending more time away from the apartment. Be it at the library, at the café right off campus, at your best friend Mark's apartment.
But at night, you were on your own, having to listen to Yukhei plow a seemingly endless array of girls into his mattress while you were either studying or trying to sleep.
Your girlfriends still lived at the college dorms, and there wouldn't be enough space for you there. You didn't want to impose on Mark, since you were already spending most of your day with him and he shared his apartment with four other guys. You certainly didn't want to ask to sleep over at Taemin's, not after what Jongin had told you.
You were more or less trapped in your apartment past nine PM. You wondered if this was how Fiona felt in the first Shrek film when she couldn't go outside at night.
Yukhei was loud, you came to learn. He groaned, he grunted, he growled. He had a filthy vocabulary and, if you were to go by what the girl he'd brought home past Thursday said, leaving out all the gory details, he was very… well endowed.
You still weren't quite sure how to feel about constantly having to hear him from across the hall. You weren't judging him, not at all. It was none of your business, and as he'd so rudely put it, he didn't owe you an explanation.
But with exams rolling around, and stress starting to build up, you were disappointed, but not surprised to realize that your sexual frustration was doing the same. And Yukhei, with his pretty face, broad shoulders, foul mouth and maddening scent, was not doing you any favors by practically acting out porn across the hallway.
Even worse? Mating season was approaching.
The actual duration of heats and ruts for all hybrids varied, but a grand majority of hybrids went through them during the first few weeks of winter, regardless of whether they were predators or prey.
So while it pained you to say it, Yukhei’s across the hall antics were not doing you any favors. You found yourself lying awake on a Saturday at one in the morning, after a particularly rough Friday. Meanwhile he was with yet another girl, listening to him dirty talk her to high heaven. You had your eyes closed, trying to sleep in the dark of your bedroom, but it wasn’t easy given what was going on.
If you hadn’t been in a sleep deprived delirium, you wouldn’t have allowed your mind to drift to Yukhei, or to focus on the vulgar words he was saying. His words were muffled by the walls, but it was still pretty easy for you to hear them, ears perking up as you did.
“Yeah, baby, you love my cock, don’t you?”
If you hadn’t been so tired, you would have put in some headphones and listened to some soft music until you were able to fall asleep, instead of letting your breath hitch while your sleepy mind conjured an image of a sweaty Yukhei on top of you, doing to you what he’d been doing to the entire campus.
“So fucking tight around me…”
And you definitely wouldn’t have stuck your hand down your pants, with one hand, covering your mouth with the other. But you did, imagining that it was Yukhei’s fingers and not yours pinching at your clit, teasing around your slit, feeling yourself get wet with every passing second. Hard to do, considering Yukhei’s fingers were so much longer than yours were, and you clenched around nothing at the thought of his pretty hands and how deep they could reach inside of you.
You opened your legs a little more, eyes fluttering shut as your index finger delved inside of you, stifling a quiet moan. Even in your sleepy haze your mind told you not to be too loud, because you knew that Yukhei could end up hearing it, and you didn’t want to seem like a creep after everything that had already happened. Slowly, you built up to a speed that you felt went well with the sound of skin against skin.
“Fuck, baby, you gonna come soon? I’m so close...”
Your breathing turned heavy, and suddenly the sheets were too hot, kicking them off of you before adding in a second finger, relishing in the stretch and the way your palm rubbed against your clit in a deliciously frustrating way. You hesitated briefly before adding a third finger, searching desperately for a spot that would cause you to see stars before they cramped up too bad.
When you did manage to find it, your body curled in on itself, biting down on your lip to stop yourself from making any noise. So embarrassingly fast, you felt yourself nearing climax, listening as the moans and groans escalated in pitch and in volume. You pulled your other hand away from your mouth to rub at your clit, and your eyebrows furrowed, mouth tipping open in silent moans. You prayed to whatever cosmic force that ruled over the universe in hopes that you wouldn’t make too much noise.
“Shit, shit, I’m c-coming, baby…” You heard him say, before switching to Cantonese to swear, and with that, your orgasm came crashing against you.
Your toes curled, your eyes squeezed shut, and before you could bury your head in your pillow, you squeaked out the softest possible whine, “Yukhei…”
When you came back down, you were quick to fall asleep, ignoring the stickiness in your panties or the smell of sweat permeating your room, too tired to bring yourself to care.
You didn’t hear the shuffling of feet as Yukhei kicked this girl out of the apartment, too on edge after having heard your whimpering.
After that, Yukhei didn’t bring home any other girls, and you brushed it off as him needing to concentrate for finals. The coming weeks were filled with all nighters, cups of coffee, tears and desperation as you somehow managed to pass all of your classes.
You and Yukhei continued to practically tiptoe around each other, still not speaking. Now, however, it was more due to a lack of time than anger geared towards each other. Yes, you could still sense animosity when you crossed paths but it was getting… strange. While he almost never spoke, Yukhei’s wide eyes seemed to follow you whenever you passed him.
Now, the apartment had turned silent, rather than tense. You felt like you should anticipate something but you weren’t sure what. Many times, you could feel Yukhei before you saw him, and while before, at the apartment he tended to avoid you like a criminal dodging the law, now you always felt him close, his scent never far from where you were. On campus, you didn’t have that problem, rarely seeing him due to your different majors. But at home, it seemed like you could rarely hide from him.
Finally, winter break was so close to rolling around, and all you needed to do was take two more exams, and hand in one final paper. Then you were free, and all you needed to do was call up your… friend, Doyoung.
You used the term “friend” very, very loosely.
Doyoung was the only other rabbit hybrid you trusted enough to spend your heats with, and you really only spoke to him during this time of year. He was kind and soft spoken, and attentive to your needs when you were in heat despite him also being affected by his own rut. He was also insanely good in bed, and not too bad on the eyes either.
He enjoyed your arrangement, and wasn’t looking for anything serious, which you appreciated. This would have been your third heat spent with him.
You called him a week before your heat was due to start, and he swung by your apartment for a quick visit to discuss where you would go, how long your doctor had told you it would last, and generally to just catch up with each other.
Yukhei was out, probably studying with Mark or something. All you knew was that he was out.
Doyoung was cute. Really cute. His ears, white with black tips were generally stood at attention. His broad shoulders and gummy smile were too much, and even though it was a week before your heat was supposed to start you kind of had to resist jumping his bones when you let him inside.
You managed, somehow, and he sat down next to you at your small dinner table.
“So, how’s Lucas?” He asked once all of the details were worked out. You were going to stay at his apartment for the following week.
You pursed your lips, sighing. “He’s, uh… It’s complicated.”
He shook his head, a nervous smile gracing his face.
“What do you mean it’s complicated?”
You shrugged, letting your eyes flutter shut. “It’s a long story.”
“So? Tell it,” He said, ears twitching, “I’ve got all day.”
So you did. From the treatment, to the mutation, to what Jongin had said, to the shift in his behavior, to the argument, to him bringing random girls home, even including the bit about you masturbating to him that one time. You didn’t spare the details, given that you’d probably had more sex with Doyoung within the span of both of your heats than you’d ever had with all of your previous partners combined. There was no point in being vague.
You worried you might be airing out you and Yukhei’s dirty laundry, but continued anyway. Doyoung was a good guy. He wasn’t going to blab to anyone about it. During your whole tirade, he remained emotionless, nodding along to show he was still listening to you. When you finished, he took a deep breath, ears falling against his head. He blinked a few times.
“Phew,” He whistled, “That’s… a lot. Sounds like he’s going through a tough time.”
You nodded, staring at your hands on your lap. “I know. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s gonna yell at me again and I don’t want to have to push him away even more. I miss him, Doie. I miss my best friend.”
Doyoung offered a sympathetic smile, patting you on the back. “Can I be honest?” His voice was soft, not demanding. You, always appreciative of his candor, nodded.
“I don’t think you just miss your best friend, Y/N.”
Your head snapped upward to meet his gaze, sympathetic smile still there as he continued to rub up and down your back, now slower.
“No goddamn way,” You denied vehemently, shaking your head, “I don’t like him.”
“You’re right,” Doyoung answered, “You don’t like Yukhei. You’re in love with him.”
You spluttered, looking away as you felt your face heat up. “Y-you can’t really mean that, Doyoung. He’s like—"
“Yeah, yeah, your brother. You’ve told everyone and their mother that. But has it ever occurred to you that when you say that, it's just you trying to convince yourself? I see the way you look at him when I come to pick you up before your heats and you say goodbye to him. Your eyes just light up, and you smile like you’re the happiest you’ve ever been.”
“Well, because he makes me happy, he’s my—”
“Veggie lover’s pizza makes you happy, and I don’t see you smiling at it like it invented modern wi-fi. Yukhei? Y/N, he makes you happy happy. As in, if you were an actual bunny and not 25% bunny, you would be doing binkies around him.”
You gasped. “I would not—!”
“Would too,” He retorted, laughing slightly at your antics, “I swear, the way you talk about him—"
He would have continued, but was interrupted by the sound of the key clicking the apartment door open. Quickly, both of your heads turned to watch as Yukhei entered the apartment, eyes immediately trained on Doyoung. His expression was unreadable, but at the end of the day, both you and Doyoung, prey hybrids till the bitter end, could smell the tension that permeated his signature scent. You exchanged glances with the black haired man, and noted that his ears were standing at attention, just like yours.
“Uh, hey, man,” Doyoung said with his iconic awkward smile, adding an awkward wave as well, “...Long time no see.”
Yukhei remained silent for a moment as he took off his jacket, eyes still not leaving the other man. “Hello, Doyoung hyung. How have you been?” His voice was monotone, no discernible emotion in it, and you felt like you wanted the earth to swallow you then and there.
“Uhh…” Doyoung side-eyed you for the briefest second, your eyes flashing between him and Yukhei incessantly. Suddenly, you were on edge, and you knew that it was all because of the six foot tall nuisance that had just interrupted your moment with Doyoung.
“I’m... good. I was actually just about to, uh, head home,” He mumbled, and you furrowed your eyebrows as you turned to look at him, kind of taken aback. He was already getting off the couch, making sure he had everything.
You raised a tentative hand. “Hey, Doyoung—”
“Like I told you earlier, I need to go, uh… feed Jeno’s cat since he’s still out of town.”
“Uh,” You blinked, gaping like a fish, remembering the fact that you’d bumped into Jeno at the convenience store earlier today, “Take care, I guess?”
And then, quickly as Yukhei had come, Doyoung had gone, eyeing the wolf hybrid like he was about to get strangled.
When it was just the two of you, your eyes turned to look at Yukhei, and you huffed, before getting up and walking to your room. You closed your door, picking up your phone as you sat at your desk.
doyoungie: your roommate is insane
doyoungie: did you see the way he was looking at me? his scent was also super intimidating, y/n
doyoungie: i cant help you out, i dont feel comfortable given everything going on between the two of u
doyoungie: im really sorry y/n
doyoungie: please be careful around him
You saw red. You chucked the phone onto your bed, too angry and upset to answer Doyoung in that moment.
Everything going on between you and Yukhei had ruined everything these past months, but this was the icing on the cake. If Doyoung wouldn’t help you, you couldn’t go over to his apartment during your heat. If you couldn’t spend your heat at Doyoung’s apartment, you would have to spend it in the apartment, with Yukhei across the hall. And if Yukhei, a predator hybrid, turned out to go into rut at the same time you, a prey hybrid, went into heat… well.
It wasn’t even a matter of whether you would end up sleeping with him at one point or not. It was the principle of the thing. Yukhei brought home several girls to fuck and you had turned a blind eye. But god forbid you make plans to fuck someone in your own home. No, no, that was heresy. Highest treason in the land.
You slammed your door open, crossing the hall to stomp into Yukhei’s room. You ripped his door open, seething with anger. He turned in surprise, eyebrows furrowed. “Y/N, what—”
“Fuck you, Wong Yukhei,” You spat, getting straight to the point. He opened his mouth to speak, eyebrows turned downwards as he observed your angry frame. But you didn’t let him.
“How fucking dare you. I said jack shit when you brought home all of those girls. But no, every single time I get close to another guy you put on a pissy face and puff out your chest and scare them away. What gives you the fucking right?”
He scoffed, then gave a humorless laugh. “It’s not my fault your prey hybrid boy toy can’t handle being looked at for more than five seconds.”
Your mouth fell open, glaring at him. You couldn’t believe the way he’d said the words ‘prey hybrid’ like it was something shameful. “What, do you have a problem with us prey hybrids now, or...?”
“Please,” He growled, “You’re always the one who was so willing to push predator hybrids away.”
“You of all people should know why.”
He took a step towards you, eyes meeting yours before looking at the floor. “Of course I did. And that’s why I pushed you away.”
You stared at him, incredulous at his sudden quietness. “No. Don’t you dare spin this as some little ‘woe is me’ sob story. You ghosted me. You treated me like I was trash. Maybe you didn’t want to worry me with this whole thing, which is more on par with the Lucas I know. But my Lucas, my Xuxi, would never have taken it that far.”
“Did it ever occur to you that your stupid little Xuxi isn’t coming back!?” He yelled suddenly, and your eyes widened at his display of anger. He took notice and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, and lowered his voice.
Y/N, this entire thing,” He huffed, gesturing to his ears and tail, which was now swishing back and forth restlessly, “It changed me too much."
"Yukhei…"
"You think I didn't want to keep being your Xuxi? T-that I didn't want to pretend that everything was normal and keep patting your head and hugging you in the morning and calling you bunny?"
Your demeanor faltered, and your heart sank. This wasn't how you wanted this conversation to go.
"Yukhei."
He stepped closer, and you swallowed at his sudden proximity. "I feel this… need. Inside of me. Almost all of the time, but it's strongest when you're close to me. And I don't know what it is, but every time I look at you, I want to…"
"Yukhei," you mumbled dizzily as he took another step forward, basically forcing you up against the wall. You could feel his breath on your skin as he peered down at you, eyes melancholy. He looked lonely. You felt lonely.
"I want to… God, let me kiss you."
Your breath left your body, and before you could give it a second thought, you were tilting your head, eyes falling shut as he pressed his lips to yours.
Immediately, you stood on the tips of your toes to meet him easier, and his hands cupped your face before moving to your back, and then finally splaying possessively around your waist.
The kiss was urgent, desperate; Yukhei kissed you as if he were dying and you felt the need to match his desperation. As your lips locked against each other's, Yukhei's body stepped closer to yours, his torso now pressed against yours. Your arms rose to his broad shoulders, wrapping around his neck, releasing a whimper when he pressed his tongue into your mouth.
Your stomach lurched when he used his thigh to separate yours, hands trailing down to grasp at your thighs. He pulled away from your lips, trailing to your jaw, and you whimpered, hands combing through his hair. Lower his mouth went, planting open mouthed kisses along your neck, and you felt a fire in your stomach, readying you to submit to him.
Submit?
Your eyes shot open, and your heart dropped, and as you realized what he had said, how he had said it, you were pushing him off of you. He stumbled back, chest heaving, eyes scared, lips swollen and pink. He seemed to have realized what he’d done. “Y/N, I didn’t mean t—”
“No.” You couldn’t look him in the eye, clenching your jaw. “I came here to say that I was tired of being treated like your property when all I’ve ever been is your friend. You turned it around and used that tone with me and you used it to kiss me. I-I can’t, Yukhei. Why would you even—”
“Because I’m in love with you.”
Your eyes widened as you met his, and you slumped against the wall, inhaling sharply. You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came out. He took this as his cue to continue, eyes pleading and apologetic as he leaned against his desk, giving you the space you suddenly needed.
“That’s no excuse, I know that. It’s literally the worst possible excuse I could give you. I don’t know how to control this thing yet and I’m… Y/N, I’m scared that I’ll hurt you with my words or all of this strength I now have combined with instincts I don’t understand and it terrifies me. And now, with this whole mating season thing coming I feel them even stronger and I...”
“Yukhei, you’re not making any sense,” You said, voice barely above a whisper. He looked up, eyes suddenly teary.
“How can I make my thoughts make sense when you’re the only thing on my mind right now?”
You pursed your lips, eyes squeezing shut. Your stomach swirled and your mind was jumbled, unsure what to tell him.
“Yukhei, what are your instincts even telling you?”
He shook his head, expression agitated as he looked you up and down. Finally, his eyes landed on your neck, and he groaned, shoving his face into his hands.
“I can’t hurt you, Y/N. I would never forgive myself if I did.”
Your breath hitched, heart rate beginning to pick up. “Yukhei, I need you to tell me what is going on with you. Then, we can call Taemin and he—he’ll figure something out.”
“I need to bite you. A-and you need to leave, so I can leave before I do something I regret.”
“Yukhei, hold on a second—”
“Y/N,” He growled, and you felt all of the hairs on your head stand straight up, animal instincts going haywire, “Leave.”
Even if he hadn’t used that tone with you, you would have done so. And you did, bolting out of his room, quickly grabbing your phone from your room and then darting out of the apartment, out of the building and somewhere onto the street, legs shaking and heart broken.
You ran for several blocks, stopping once you felt comfortable, which just so happened to be in front of a cafe a few minutes from your apartment. You went in and ordered, sitting at a table in the window, staring blankly at the cup in front of you. You felt numb. Yukhei was making absolutely no sense, and your thoughts were too jumbled for you to try and decipher what he was trying to tell you. There was only one thing that you could make sense of.
Because I’m in love with you.
God, you wanted to slam your head into the table, his words echoing in your head. He’d looked so candid, so vulnerable, so scared saying those six words, that it honestly kind of petrified you. After everything you’d thought about, everything you’d been told, and everything you’d said to each other, you were being forced with the truth, and you honestly weren’t sure if you could handle it.
Yes, you loved Yukhei. But what best friend doesn’t love their best friend? There was such a difference between loving and being in love, but in that moment you couldn’t be sure of any.
Yukhei had always been there for you. He understood your boundaries, understood that you wanted to be an independent person, but wasn’t afraid to support you if he felt you needed it. Whenever you were sad, or frustrated, he was there. And vice versa. You understood that Yukhei, despite his intimidating looks, muscles and tall frame was just a gentle giant, sometimes not confrontational enough to stand up for himself. And yes, he was confident, but you knew that deep down he would always feel like he wasn’t good enough, just a little bit. And whenever that feeling became too heavy for him to carry, you’d be the one to pick him up and help him carry the weight.
Your mutual understanding of each other went so much more than just finishing each other’s sentences sometimes. With a simple movement, both of you could tell whether the other was upset, or excited, or angry.
You sighed, taking another sip of your coffee.
Yukhei was kind, and he didn’t worry about what problems he might have in the future. He was funny, sometimes making you laugh till you cried because it was just an innate talent of his. And fuck’s sake, he was hot. And you… you, the worrisome, blunt hybrid who trailed behind him because he lit up your days, you were…
Oh my god. I’m in love with Yukhei.
You spluttered, immediately coughing as you choked on your coffee, attracting the attention of the people around you. It took you awhile, but you eventually managed to catch your breath, avoiding the questioning gazes of everyone around you. You were left with your head spinning, foot tapping anxiously.
You needed to get back to the apartment.
You paid for the unfinished cup of coffee in a hassle, and ran back up the street as fast as your legs could carry you. You realized that all of the running you’d been doing meant your hair would be frizzy and you would smell like sweat once you got back, but you couldn’t care less.
All you needed was to see him.
If you’d been able to talk him down from his own thoughts before, like that day in the bathroom and times before that, if you’d been able to get through to him before, it wouldn’t be that hard now, would it? You needed to know he was okay and that he knew that everything would work out in the end.
You dashed onto your street, mind filled with only Yukhei and his wellbeing, for once being a bit reckless when it came to your own safety. Yes, he’d told you to leave. But that didn’t matter anymore, you thought as you rushed into the building and pulled yourself into the elevator. He was your only concern, now.
Your heart pounded as you stood in the elevator. Your leg never ceased its insistent tapping. Waiting, waiting, waiting for the doors to slide open. It took an eternity, but finally, you heard a ding! And when the doors opened, you bolted. You ran down the hall, reaching your door before you pulled out your key and unlocked the door, not thinking twice before swinging it open.
“Yukhei!?”
Your loud, breathless voice rang out through the apartment, but there was no response. As you caught your breath, you noted that the scent of cinnamon and earth was still there, but faint, as if Yukhei had vanished into thin air. Your heart sank.
“Yukhei?” You asked again, voice now quieter as you realized that he was probably gone. Your face fell, and part of you began to wonder why you even expected him to still be here.
Walking towards his room, where the trace of his scent was strongest, you gnawed on the inside of your cheek, silently asking yourself where you would go from here. The vibration of your phone caught your attention, and you pulled it out of your pocket to see what the notification was. Your eyes softened at seeing Yukhei’s contact name grace your screen, but your gaze quickly turned gloomy when you saw how long his text was. That was never a good thing.
xuxi: Hey. I’m sorry about everything that just happened, and for scaring you like that. I’m gonna be staying at Taemin hyung’s until your heat passes. I don’t know how long that is, but I know it was supposed to start sometime next week? I want to keep distance from you until either hyung or I can understand what’s going on with me, and I don’t want to do or say anything that’s gonna damage our friendship. Please don’t worry about me, Y/N. I’m fine. Don’t think that I think you can’t be around other guys, because I don’t. I want you to be happy. And if you feel like you never want to see me once this is all over, then I’ll totally understand. I’ve been an asshole and I treated you horribly because I was acting selfishly. Take care.
You slumped against the wall, swallowing the growing lump in your throat.
How on earth did everything get this messed up?
The last few days before winter break were miserable. You spent the rest of that night after the argument with Yukhei crying out of frustration at the situation, falling asleep with puffy eyes and a runny nose. Eventually, however, you had to force yourself out of your pity party, because despite everything going on, you still had two exams to study for and a paper to turn in.
Your paper was going to turn out mediocre, at best. You simply couldn’t put your heart into it despite the fact that it was 10% of your final grade for the semester. Thankfully, it was due Friday, and the first exam was on Monday and the other on Tuesday, leaving you a full three days to finish it, and you’d done pretty well in the subject all semester, so if you flubbed the paper, it wouldn’t be so bad.
As for your exams, they weren’t your best, but you’d live. Exams this late were always hellish for you, because on top of all of the stress, your pre-heat symptoms were starting to set in. You felt tired, sluggish, and irritable.
You thought of Yukhei almost all week during what little free time you got. You didn't see him on campus all week, but you knew from texting Taemin that he was still going. According to him, he wasn’t talking to anyone much. Not even Baekhyun could cheer him up, and Yukhei loved Baekhyun’s jokes.
You never responded to the long text Yukhei had sent you. You weren’t sure what to say, and after a certain amount of days had passed it just felt awkward to try and respond to him.
Finally, Friday rolled around, and you strolled onto campus, ready to hand in your paper, go to your last few lectures, and then buy yourself some snacks to prepare to hole up in your apartment for a week during your heat. You wished you could just turn it in online, but this professor was probably as old as the university itself, and still preferred doing things the old fashioned way.
You sat down next to Mark right before your history lecture, about two hours before your paper was supposed to be turned in.
“Hey, how have you been?” Mark asked, and you shrugged.
“I’m pretty much over everything,” You sighed, “All I need is to turn in my paper to Wang and I’m out of here.”
“Can I see?” He asked. “Mine sucks and I wanted to compare.”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” You answered, turning to open your bag. You rummaged through it, looking between your notes, laptop, and old pieces of paper, before frowning.
“No fucking way,” You muttered to yourself, looking through the contents of your bag again, now more frantic.
“What? Do you not have it?”
“No,” You answered, turning to him, sounding desperate. “I think I left it on my desk this morning. God, I’m so stupid.”
“Why don’t you just go get it?” Mark said, tilting his head. “Your place isn’t that far.”
You eyed the professor, who was preparing his presentation before the class started, weighing your options.
“...You’re right. I’ll be back in like, half an hour.”
And so you set off, power walking back to your apartment, which was right off campus. When you got to your building, you stepped into the elevator and heard your phone ring. You looked at who was calling first, furrowing your eyebrows. Hesitantly, you picked up.
“Taem? What’s up?” You asked, looking through your bag for your keys.
“Hey, Y/N.” Taemin sounded anxious, and it didn’t do anything to dissipate your confusion. “I just wanted to let you know that Yukhei said he would be passing by the apartment to get some more clothes, but uh… I forgot to ask him what time, and now he isn’t answering my texts or my calls. He was acting kind of… weird this morning. He didn’t say anything to you, did he?”
You blinked, swallowing at the idea of seeing him again after not having said anything to each other. Suddenly, your heart seemed to be beating a lot faster than it had been a second ago. “Um. No. He didn’t. But um… thanks for letting me know. I’ll just be going—”
“Wait, Y/N!”
“Taemin, what?”
“Have you ever heard of Tanaka’s Theory of Hybrid Compatibility?” He blurted, and you made a face, trying to figure out what he was talking about.
“...No?”
The elevator dinged, and you stepped out as he began to explain.
“I was doing research after running some DNA tests on Yukhei, yesterday, to see if I would be able to gauge whether he’d be going into rut or not. This theory says that two hybrids of different animal types could trigger each other’s mating instincts—”
“Wait, wait, wait, I thought that wasn’t possible—”
“That’s what a lot of people thought, until Tanaka and her team published this study about a year ago. She did an experiment where she paired up hybrids of different animal types, and induced heat in only one of them, to see if it triggered rut or heat in the other hybrid. She concluded that it was possible, but only if the hybrids had already formed a deep emotional bond. Y/N, you and Yukhei…”
You stopped right outside of your apartment, dead in your tracks. “D—Taem. Do you think that could happen if…?”
You didn’t finish, and Taemin sighed. “Yeah,” He said, voice quiet. “I think he might be in the very early stages of rut. Please, please be careful, Y/N.”
You stared at the door, before sighing. “I will, Taemin. Thank you for calling me.”
You hung up, trying to absorb everything you’d just been told. Cautiously, you inserted the key into the lock, trying to be quiet. A chill rolled through your body as you stepped into the apartment. For some reason, it seemed so much more quiet than it usually was. You gulped. Hurriedly, with quiet footsteps, you approached your bedroom. You sighed in relief upon seeing the paper on your desk, and grabbed it, stuffing it carefully into your bag before turning to exit.
“Hey.”
You shrieked in surprise, your skeleton nearly jumping out of your skin when you saw Yukhei in the doorway of his bedroom, staring intently at you. Immediately, you knew something was wrong. His eyes were wide like saucers, eyeing you up and down. His body seemed tense. His scent was overpowering. You scrunched your nose once it hit you.
“Y-Yukhei. What are you—Um, how have you been?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” He said, wide eyes never leaving you. You felt like he was studying you, and you squirmed underneath his gaze, “Just peachy. A little hot. What are you doing here?”
His sentences were quick and snippy, as if he were jumpy. You spluttered, gathering your thoughts.
“Oh,” You mumbled, “Um… I forgot my paper on my desk. I needed to come and get it.”
The entire time, you never stopped looking at him. He seemed poised, ready to strike, looking for the moment he could catch you off guard. You swallowed, trying to step past him, “I need to turn this in later, so I’ll just…”
He grabbed your wrist before you could get out of his arms’ reach, cornering you against the wall.
“I need to… talk to you,” He muttered, eyes trained on your face.
“Yukhei, you’re kind of freaking me out,” You answered, looking away from his face. Your own face was suddenly hot, animal instincts were screaming at his proximity, at his scent, begging you to either get away or pull him closer. Danger, one side of your brain whispered, while the other said, want.
“Just hear me out,” He answered, deep voice quiet and raspy. “I missed you this week. Missed my bunny.”
You looked away, unsure what to do.
dangerdangerdangerdangerdanger
He lifted a hand to lift your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze. You gasped, realizing that his eyes were a bright yellow. Had they always been that color or was it only now noticeable due to his proximity?
wantwantwantwantwantwant
“Y-Yukhei,” You mumbled again, panting as he brushed his lips against yours.
DANGERDANGERDANGERDANGER
In that moment, your animal instincts took over. What happened next happened in less than ten seconds, but felt like an eternity.
See, when rabbits feel threatened, they bite their attacker. You knew this. Yukhei knew this. So it should’ve been no surprise to either of you when you shifted your neck, quickly striking and giving his neck a harsh bite. Your animal instincts expected him to back off. But instead, he groaned loudly, pressing you even further into the wall, gripping your hips and pressing himself against you. You froze, feeling something hard press against your hip.
“So you want to bite me too,” He growled, “But I want to bite you harder.”
WANTWANTWANTWANTWANT
You whimpered, as he, agonizingly slowly, pressed his mouth to your neck, baring his teeth. He tugged your head to the side, and you squeezed your eyes shut, waiting for the bite to come, almost welcoming it.
But it never did.
Instead, when you opened your eyes, you saw that Yukhei was trembling.
“I can’t,” He whispered, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
You swallowed, realizing what was going on.
“You won’t,” You answered, matching the tone of his voice. “Xuxi, wolves bite like this to mate, not to attack.”
“Huh?” His amber eyes studied your face, searching for anything other than the uncertainty etched upon it.
“You’re not biting me to hurt me,” You said, stroking his cheek, “It’s because you wanna mark me as yours.”
“But you’re not mine,” He murmured, still trembling, “You don’t love me the way I love you.”
You shook your head, head spinning as the heat on your face spread across your body at the sensation of his body against yours.
“Except I do.” Your voice was hoarse. “I love you, Lucas. I realize that now.”
You tilted your head back, revealing the expanse of your neck. He growled in approval as you did. “And I want to be yours, forever.”
He didn’t mark you then. Instead, he craned his neck to catch your lips with his. You cried out softly when he did, his hands coming down to lift one of your legs, wrapping it around his hip.
“Jump,” He said into the kiss, and you did, without question. The feeling of uneasiness, of danger, melted away, leaving you only with want. He dragged you back to his room, tossing you onto his bed with ease.
You whimpered as you let him go, now fully aware that you’d entered your heat, and you wouldn’t be satiated until he made you cum. You watched, as he stared down at you with a predatory gaze—go figure—pulling off the t-shirt he was wearing. He crawled on top of you, not saying a word before he kissed you again.
Your hands roamed, tracing down his back and up your sides as he squeezed your thighs with his large hands, sliding up the skirt you were wearing.
“Please don’t tease,” You whined between kisses, “N-need you.”
“My bunny needs me?” He asked, chest rumbling with pride, and you nodded. He tugged off your shirt, leaving you in only your bra and your skirt. He pressed a kiss to your neck, before inhaling deeply and groaning.
“God, is this what you smell like when you’re in heat?” His voice was raspy, lustful; you felt punch drunk at the sound of it. “You smell fucking divine.” You nodded, reaching for the button on his jeans. You didn’t trust your voice.
“Bunny, you’re on the pill, right?” He asked suddenly, sounding a lot more sober than he had just a few seconds ago. Your eyes darted up to his face, noting his ears twitching nervously. You nodded. “Y-yeah, why?”
He pressed a kiss to your temple, before lowering his mouth to your ear. “Because as much as I want to pump you full of my pups right now, I know you probably don’t want that for us now.”
God, he was the human definition of whiplash. You straight up moaned at the idea, eyes squeezing shut as you pulled his pants down. “S-sounds good on paper. R-really good,” You declared, “But in practice… Not right now.”
He nodded, smiling softly. You realized he was wagging his tail, and you smiled gleefully. “Anything for my bunny.”
Yukhei pressed another kiss to your temple, before pulling your skirt down, hands kneading at your newly exposed flesh. You lifted yourself off of the mattress to press wet kisses to his collarbone, ignoring the desperation beneath your skin. Still, your mind screamed.
WANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANT
“Xuxi,” You said, “Please hurry and fuck me already.”
“I don’t wanna wait either,” He admitted, grinning wolfishly. With not another word, he pulled your panties to the side, and slowly pressed a finger inside.
Your breath hitched, feeling like when you scratch at an itch, but can’t find the exact spot. Content, but not yet satisfied.
“You’re so wet,” He mumbled, “All of this is for me, right, Y/N?”
You nodded insistently, legs spreading further to allow him enough space. He was so big, nearly engulfing you as he hovered over you. And his fingers were so long, reaching far further than your fingers could when you pretended yours were his.
“Lucas…” Your voice was high, breathless, “More, please.”
"So needy for me, hm?" Yukhei chuckled darkly, adding another finger. His smile grew when you tightened around him. "Tell me what you want, bunny."
"Fuck," You groaned, "I want you to fuck me and make me yours. W-want to be stuffed and filled with your cum. Want y-your pups, wanna be yours."
His amber eyes glowed in admiration, peering down at you. "Fuck, that's a good girl."
He tugged off your bra, but got a little too impatient when he got to your panties, and you gasped in surprise when you felt the seams snap. Your eyes darted to Lucas's hands, which were now holding the broken fabric with a smug look on his face.
"Oops."
You huffed, not caring about the underwear. Lifting yourself off of the mattress, you pulled him in for a kiss, and he responded with fervor. His tongue dipped into your mouth, swallowing your eager moans. In your eagerness, you reached into his underwear, wrapping your hand around his member.
You gasped into the kiss, feeling how hard he was. Even without looking, eyes still shut as you focused mostly on kissing him, you could feel he was big. You wondered, momentarily, if he would even fit. Yukhei pulled away from you, lowering his eyes to watch your hand stroking him. You did as well, swallowing at the sight. He wasn’t too thick, but he was incredibly long. The tip was a pretty shade of red, precum leaking steadily out.
“You want me to fuck you?” He asked, mouth brushing against yours, panting slightly.
You nodded, canting your hips in an attempt to entice him. He pulled his fingers out of your pussy, brushing against your clit intentionally. You keened, looking up at him.
“Yeah, baby,” You answered, pushing him away slightly, to turn around, and prop yourself onto your knees. He groaned at the sight of your wetness, one finger teasing at your hole. He came closer to you, and his free hand pulled you up. His chest was pressed against your back. He pressed a kiss to one of your shoulder blades, resting his head on his shoulder to speak to you.
“One day, I’m gonna sit you down on my face and eat you until you forget your name. But right now, I can’t hold back anymore. Need to be inside of you.”
You nodded in agreement, bated as he gripped one of your hips, the other nudging you gently between the shoulder blades, so your face was buried between the pillows. You inhaled, whining lightly at how much it smelled like him, like Yukhei.
“All mine,” He growled, sliding inside of you. He was met with no resistance, your walls sucking him in with no protest.
“Yours,” You agreed, rocking your hips lightly against his. He groaned loudly, gripping your hips tightly.
“S-so tight,” He groaned, with a little laugh, “I can barely move.”
“Please, Xuxi,” You whined, voice muffled, “N-need it.”
His grip tightened, and he gave a hard thrust, to which you responded with a loud noise. He immediately set a brutal pace. He bent over, practically covering your body with his own. You could feel the heat radiating off of his body, his grunts and growls right into your ear.
Your hand reached behind you, trying to grab him in some way. He registered what you were trying to do, and reached out to take your hand in his. “Who’s making you feel this good, bunny?”
“Ah, you, Lucas,” You cried, and Yukhei pressed a kiss to the junction of your shoulder and neck.
“You think Doyoung could fuck you this good, baby?”
Your stomach curled at his words, and you shook your head. “N-no,” You said, hips bucking back to meet his. “Don’t want him, want you.”
“F-fuck, that’s my girl, you just wanna be mine, huh?”
You nodded, unable to answer at the pleasure coursing through your veins. Yukhei wasn’t satisfied by this, evident in the way he tugged on your hair and pulled your head up. You shrieked not only at the pleasure, but also how unexpected it was. Yukhei was always one to be gentle, but now, with the need he felt to fuck you until you were both satiated, all of his mercy went out the window.
“Use your fucking words,” Yukhei snarled, hips never letting up. You whimpered, eyes closing.
This wasn’t Yukhei, or Lucas, or Xuxi. No, this was pure, unbridled, alpha wolf taking the reins. And in this moment, you wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Y-yeah, I want you to make me yours,” You answered in a small, shaky voice.
“You wanna be my bitch, baby?”
“Fuck,” You moaned, pussy clenching at his question, “Please…”
“Please what, bunny?” The wolf asked, voice sickly sweet, and you bit your lip, trying not to cry out. “P-please make me your bitch, baby.”
He pressed a kiss to your shoulder again, letting go of your hair. You fell back onto the mattress, practically boneless; you couldn’t find it within you to hold yourself up. His hands found their way back to your hips, using them as leverage as he pounded into you.
“What my bitch wants, my bitch gets.”
His hips sped up, something you didn’t know was possible. You were vaguely aware of his headboard ramming into the wall, but you couldn’t care less. All you could care about was the growing pleasure bubbling in the pit of your stomach, which only boiled hotter when you reached between your legs to pinch at your clit.
Yukhei groaned at the same moment you did, relishing in the way your walls clenched at the sensation.
“How the fuck are you still so tight?” He said. You craned your neck to get a good look at him, chest tightening at the sight.
His tan skin glowed with sweat, eyes rolled up into his head, mouth open as he let loose grunts and groans, and his light brown hair was matted with sweat. The dark ears on his head were twitching furiously and his cheeks were flushed. You felt like you could have cum from the sight alone.
Could have, because the awkward angle made your neck hurt, and it pained you to not be able to touch his skin or tug on his hair.
Yukhei opened his eyes immediately when you muttered out a soft, “stop, stop,” his hips stopping much to his discomfort. He sighed in relief when he realized you just wanted to change your position. You whined softly in discomfort when his cock slipped out of you, shaky legs doing their best to maneuver into the position you wanted.
You flopped down onto your back in front of him, staring up at him. “Come on,” You said breathlessly, parting your legs, “You know what I want you to do.”
He exhaled, eyes scanning your sweaty body, taking in just how beautiful you looked beneath him. “Fuck, I love you so much,” He declared, settling in between your legs, slipping back into you with ease.
You took advantage of the position, wrapping your legs around his waist, trying to pull him closer. Your hands wrapped around him, reaching for his back. You dug your nails into the skin, and he huffed slightly at the pinch of pain.
He growled with pride when his eyes darted down to where you were connected. “Fuck, that’s so hot, bunny. You’re so fucking tiny.”
Your eyes followed his, and you whined when you realized that there was a bulge sticking out of your tummy.
He immediately retook his rhythm, pounding away like there was no tomorrow, voice getting louder. It was still a bit far, but you could tell he was approaching his high, just like you. He was pressing wet kisses to your breasts, large hands groping them. Your head fell back, mind completely blank.
“X-Xuxi, I’m c-close,” You mumbled, “Please touch me.”
He nodded, lifting off of one of your nipples to meet your eyes. “Shit, me too,” He agreed, voice shaky. His lips travelled to your neck, one hand travelling to your clit. You moaned loudly, throwing your head back to reveal more of the skin of your neck.
“Gonna make you mine,” He growled, “Gonna fuck you full of my pups, show everyone who you belong to.”
His hips were losing their finesse, their rhythm, pace turning sloppy as his hand rubbed at your clit, hoping to make you cum.
“Yes, yes, yes,” You cried nonsensically, toes curling. “Make me yours, Lucas, ah, fuck, w-want it so bad!”
And then he sunk his teeth into your neck, and you tumbled over the edge, a lot harder than you ever expected it to be. You were drowning in a dizzying mix of pleasure and pain, vision blurring as your body writhed against Yukhei like a woman possessed. You cried out his name one final time, voice dying after you did.
You heard him groan against you, hips grinding against you as he released inside of you. Your mind immediately realized what was going on as his cock swelled within your walls, eyes snapping open as the sheer size of his knot caused you to cry out. Whether that was from the burn of being stretched beyond your limits, or the satisfaction of stuffed with him.
You were wordless when you managed to come down, breathing heavily, his head resting on your collar bone. The need that had been itching inside of you had gone away, for now. Your mind cleared up, and you were suddenly very aware of the fact that Yukhei was naked, on top of you, and now the two of you were stuck together for god knows how long. The few words you had exchanged prior were under the influence of his rut and, subsequently, your heat, and even before that, an argument that led to you not speaking to each other for a week.
"So…" You muttered, voice hoarse.
"Uhh…" Lucas lifted his head, tired eyes meeting yours. They were back to brown. "I take this as an 'apology accepted'?"
You rolled your eyes, swatting his arm playfully. "You're not completely out of the woods yet, asshole. You were a huge dick. But what matters now is that we're together, and I love you. We can work the rest out later."
Yukhei's hand brushed a stray hair out of your face, smiling softly at you. "I don't deserve you," He murmured, "But I promise I'll do my best to treat you like a queen."
You pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I'd like that."
You both fell asleep slightly after, whispering sweet nothings and promises of a better tomorrow into each other's ears.
And when Taemin—who had worried about Yukhei not coming back to his apartment got worried enough to use your hidden spare key to get into the apartment—woke you up, screeching at the "ungodly sight" of your naked bodies pressed against one another, you laughed, despite Yukhei's possessive instincts kicking in and covering your body with his.
Because you finally had Yukhei in your arms, and, regardless of whether he's got fluffy ears and a tail or not, you were happy to call yourself his.
#kpop scenarios#wayv smut#nct x reader#nct smut#wong yukhei x reader#kpop x reader#kpop au#kpop imagines#kpop smut#kpop angst#nct scenarios#nct angst#yukhei angst#yukhei smut#lucas wong x reader#wayv angst#wayv x reader#my writing
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ALRIGHT! :D (Ok I know this comes really late and I apologize,V! First I was too busy to answer and then I forgot it Dx)
So, the ‘blue’
Short answer: It's where the lil baby Vorta come from (when they reproduce naturally).
Longer answer:
I like to think that the Founders didn't change that much about the Vorta like they successfully made them believe. Like their high resistance to poisons of all kind, their bad eyesight, their lack of a sense for aestethics and taste – it's all natural. But the Founders told them, that it was their will for the Vorta to have these (and other) traits, to reinforce the feeling of absolute control.In (my) reality, the Founders gain(ed) their power over species not only through genetic manipulation, but especially through make-believe.
But where the fuck am I going, I'm losing my train of thought (bear with me, I’m running on coffee, black tea and Little Richard, but it’s worth it!)
OH I remember, why I started this way – Vorta, naturally, don't have different genders and sexes, they are all equipped the same way. Biologically, they are all capable of getting pregnant and of impregnating others.
There are two forms of reproduction.
1. If there is no suitable, compatible mating partner around, a Vorta is able to impregnate themself and create a clone of themself that way (I haven't thought about the conditions, which are potentially necessary for a Vorta to be able to do that though).
The Changelings didn't invent the 'Vorta-cloning', but used this natural capability of the species and manipulated it, so it suited their own needs before that of the Vorta. Additionally, they genetically disabled the Vorta's second form of reproduction:
2. If two Vorta like each other very very much....
..and decide to have children, they're doing the do and impregnate each other, creating two new, genetically unique Vorta. The Changelings destroyed this capability (because power and control and why would Vorta care about each other anyway, when they're supposed to glue their eyes on their awesome ditto gods?). Though a doctor with extraordinary intelligence in his field might be able to recover what the Founders destroyed.
In both cases, the new life develops beneath the violet (or blue) belly, that caught your attention.
The ‘womb’ of a Vorta lies in front of all other organs, right under the violet part of the belly. The belly consists of the same tissue as the violet parts of their ears. This tissue is at the same time especially flexible and resistant. It's on the outside of the womb to make it easier for the parent's body to grow together with the baby inside. The reason it is part of their ears lays in their extreme growing in their first year. Vorta are born (if that happens naturally) with pretty small ears, which then grow much faster than the rest of the body, so that the ears are almost completely finished in their development and growth after half a year post birth. Vorta also have that kind of tissue in their knee bends and crooks of their arms (though I always forget to draw that, duh!).
More infos:
Vorta aren't forced to press a whole child out of their genitals. You see the line under the belly? That's like a natural Predetermined ''breaking point'' (that sounded better in my mothertongue). It's like an opening of the 'Vorta womb', that is normally covered by another special kind of tissue, which is rather thin, but regenerates very very fast. 1-2 hours before the birth, it starts to rip open, so that the child can get pressed out of the 'womb' through this hole. The ripping does hurt, but the rest of the birth is way easier, faster and less painful than that of humans. It's super messy though. Because the child is sourrounded by a nutrient fluid, that fulfills a final purpose, when it drips out of the opening and makes everything slippery, so that the child slips smoothly out of the body (well, the parent still needs to press it out, but the fluid makes it easier). This fluid is of dark reddish-violet colour and people, who aren't familiar with Vorta biology, might mistake it for their blood. So a Vorta giving birth looks like they were butchered, but ironically it isn't half as painful as the process from other humanoid species.
As part of the dominion, new Vorta life doesn’t come into existence or develops in a Vorta’s body, and they don’t grow up as children. And although these organs and body parts became needless (in their ‘gods’ eyes, who taught the Vorta to see it the same way), there wasn’t really a reason, to remove them. Maybe they kept them as a reminder of how far they’ve come since their simple beginnings, thanks to the Founders. Or maybe they’re only allowed to keep these traits, because they have no purpose anymore, that might intervere with the Changelings plans.
I have more headcanons regarding the born Vorta baby and how it is raised (or was, before the Vorta became part of the dominion). Also they develop inside of the womb and get born in sth that resembles a soft eggshell. But I didn't mention it in this post earlier, because that would've been too much for a single post. And I don't want this post to become super long. So that's it for now! :D
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So, my financial aid might get cancelled. I am planning on writing an appeal letter to get it back (I have incredibly bad eyesight and am using the disability services for it, plus I have learning disability). Everything is a mess. If the appeal isn't excepted and I lose everything (including loans) I will have no other way to pay for college. I can barely pay out of pocket. And If my parents were to find out they would kick me out. Any advice? How often are appeals accepted?
My financial aid has been taken away. What now?
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could tell you the likelihood of success of your appeal, but I think it depends on a lot of factors, namely your circumstances and the reason why your aid was taken away. I can say that I know by first-hand experience that appeals are real and they can really work, but again—it depends.
There are several reasons why aid can be taken away or reduced, some include:
clerical errors
conflicting financial aid policies
taking less/more than a full-time schedule
lower grades
disciplinary reasons
I’m guessing you know why your aid was revoked, but if you don’t, call the financial aid office to find out! If you don’t know what you’re arguing about, you probably won’t get your money back. Whatever the case, here are things you can do:
1. Understand your rights and responsibilities
Usually when you apply for a scholarship or a loan, the application will have a statement telling you what you need to do to keep the money and for what reasons the amount could be reduced. You’ll want to be aware of these policies so that you can abide by them. If for some reason you have abided by these policies and your aid is still being taken away, you can use those policies to defend yourself.
You mentioned you’re afraid of your parents finding out. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, and I’m going to do my best to give you guidance.
In the U.S., the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) makes it harder for parents to obtain your records once you’re in college, but if you’re filed as a dependent on your parents’ taxes, they can access your records. Normally, this means that if your parents are going to file a 1098-T tax form (which is provided by your college), the form shows how much you paid for college and includes the total scholarship amount you received.
However, unless they have some other reason to request your financial aid information, your parents might not even see that you’ve lost that money until next year. I don’t know if that’s the best course of action for you, but it could at least buy you some time.
If you believe you’re in danger of being kicked out of your home, please seek resources from your college, your state, local charities, and your social circle. @yournewapartment has posts about this and about moving out in general. I’d encourage you to look through their index!
2. Write a compelling appeal letter
If your grades or credit hours are too low to qualify for your aid, explain what happened. Explain that you’re a student with disabilities who has great capacity to learn. You’ll want the financial aid office to be sympathetic and understand how difficult things have been. At the same time, we know how ableism often colors abled people’s perceptions of disabled people’s ability to succeed and persevere and whatnot. You will want to sound confident that if they give you this money, you’ll put it to good use.
What steps are you taking to make sure your grades get better? Why is it necessary for you to be a part-time student? What does this financial aid mean for your education? What does it mean if you were to lose this aid?
You may want to say that you are in danger of being kicked out. I think it’s important, but I’m cautious to recommend this because of FERPA’s limited power. You may want to say how important your education is to your family. Most importantly, be honest and persuasive. Don’t doubt your potential or your struggle.
3. Meet with your financial aid counselor
Before or after you submit your appeal, call your financial aid office to speak with a real live human, and try to ensure that the person you’re speaking to has authority in these matters or can advocate on your behalf. Be polite, let them know you’re submitting an appeal and you just wanted to ask a few questions or touch base with them about it. This can help you get more information and give the counselors/administrators a reason to pay attention to you and sympathize with you on a more personal level.
4. Get new accommodations
A reduction in required credit hours is actually an accommodation you can get from your college’s office of disability services. This way, you could be taking less than full-time credits and still qualify for the same financial aid as a full-time student. If you need this accommodation, reach out to your accommodations coordinator and let them know what’s going on.
If your financial aid was revoked because of bad grades, you might also want to look at changing your accommodations. For example, if you didn’t want extra exam time because you thought you didn’t need it, maybe now you do need it. Each class is different from the next, and you’ll need different tools to cope. There’s absolutely no shame in that.
5. Look into other funding sources
Your university might have alternative funding sources, such as emergency loans or scholarships with more relaxed criteria. Scholarships.com has a good list of external scholarships, but you do have to go through the whole application process for each scholarship, which takes time. Private loans through a bank or financial service like Discover may also be a faster option, though I’d avoid loan companies like Sallie Mae. Private lenders will likely want a cosigner, although it doesn’t have to be a parent. Also remember to only borrow as much as you truly need.
I hope that helps! I do the best I can to answer questions with limited information, so let me know if I’m missing anything here, or if you don’t understand something I’ve said. I really, truly want what’s best for you, and I’m rooting for you. If you want me to look over your appeal letter, feel free to email me at [email protected].
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Friends Don’t Hurt Each Other
Words: 5,208
Synopsis: When Heathcliff was still Simon, he hurt the NERDS. Badly.
Warning for violence, slight gore, and angst.
Ruby was allergic to plenty of things. Caffeine, bad guys, tall grass, oblivious teachers, socializing, moronic bullies, spicy soup, almost everything in the world. Over the years, her allergies had turned almost physic, with the ability to predict all of her enemies movements and lies before they happen.
But these allergies also made her predict bad things. Disturbing things. Things she wished she didn't know. So when her knee began to grow hives, her eyes swelling up to the point she could barely see, Ruby wished her allergies weren't so accurate.
Three cells away from her, Ruby could hear Matilda yelling and kicking as the goons kept a firm grip on her, dragging the small girl down the hall. The others had peeked from their cells too, wondering what was going on. Hea-Simon had kept them imprisoned for weeks, why would he bother with them now?
"I assume you already know what I'm doing."
Ruby heard Simon coming a mile away, but didn't bother to acknowledge him. The undeniable dread of what was to come distracted her. Simon frowned, reaching through the bars and turning Ruby's head.
"Hey. Look at me."
Ruby withdrew from his grasp, eyes still glued on Wheezer as she continued to struggle, attempting to escape. Simon followed her eyes, smirking, until Wheezer was out of her line of sight.
The flat screen TVs hung in front of ever cell turned on, revealing Matilda being pushed into an empty, four walled room, the metal door sealing shut behind her. She scrambled to her feet, taking in her new surroundings.
Simon reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a pen. He pressed the top, and a microphone activated. "Hello Wheezer, enjoying your new cell?"
Wheezer growled at the voice. "Simon."
"That's my name! Don't wear it out yet, I'm still planning on revising it, after someone destroyed the very reason I called myself Simon," Simon glares at Duncan. "Now, I'm sure you're wondering why you've been moved."
"Are you planning on making me fight your new bots?" Wheezer asks, going into a fighting stance. "Because I can take those down no problem."
Simon laughed, his forced maniacal laugh that he'd been practicing since he got into the villain business. "Oh Wheezer, do you think I share brains with Jones? Fighting would only give you joy and misplaced determination. No. Absolutely not."
"You see, coming up with something that could break all of you has been proven difficult," Simon continued, and this point Braceface, Gluestick, and Flinch had all turned their attention to the redheaded boy. "I already disabled your upgrades, but you continue to encourage each other, plotting escape plans behind my back. With things like Julio's candy addiction and Duncan's paste eating, there isn't much to use."
"But-" Simon's tone was worrysome, and the expression on Ruby's face didn't reassure any of the boys. "The disadvantage of an asthmatic health condition is the perfect start."
"What is he talking about?" Jackson whispered urgently. "What is he talking about?!"
Matilda seemed confused, having not yet understood what Simon meant. But maybe that had something to do with the fact her head was starting to feel funny. Her brows furrowed, one hand moving to the wall for support.
"How are you feeling Wheezer?" Simon winked knowingly at Ruby, and she recoils, disgusted. "Any dizziness? Spots appearing in your eyesight? Shaky knees?"
Matilda would not give Simon the pleasure of saying 'yes.' Instead, she tries to move to the other side of the room, wobbling on her feet, her head growing heavy. She reaches for her inhaler - only to realize she didn't have it. The goons must've taken it during her struggle. "What are you yapping on about Simon," Matilda mumbles through grit teeth.
"Nothing much really, the room's just limited of oxygen," Simon responds dismissively. "It shouldn't be too much of a problem for normal people, y'know, with normal breathing, and no health problems whatsoever."
Simon grins maniacally. "Unfortunately, you're not one of them."
The remaining NERDS could only watch in horror as Matilda started panting, which turned into wheezing, causing her to place both her hands on her throat, her eyes wide with panic.
"Oh no, she's hyperventilating," Simon mockingly says in concern. "Puffer-fish! Why don't you calm her down with some comforting words? I'm sure some reassurance from her 'wise' leader will certainly help!"
"You wouldn't," For the first time since he arrived, Ruby spoke. "You wouldn't go this far."
Simon whirls around, still grinning. "If I were bluffing, your allergies would've told you! No itchy arms or swollen blemishes?"
Ruby had none of those. That didn't stop her from continuing. "I don't need my allergies to know that this is beyond anything you would ever do. You would never go this far because you spent too much time with us, fighting on our side, laughing and talking as friends. I know you wouldn't do this because deep down you're still Heathcliff, and that this goes against everything you believed in, and that you would never kill off a friend."
For a moment, the two locked eyes, staring down at each other, waiting for one of them to back down. Without looking away, Heathcliff pressed another button on his pen, leaning forward as Matilda's labored breathing grew louder, more desperate. The Korean fell to her knees, gasping for nonexistent air.
"Allergies.." Simon started, his thumb still on the button, Matilda crying out in the background, shrieking at Simon despite him not being in the room.
"Don't..." Duncan ripped his eyes away from the screen, and one of the NERDS' calmest agents began slamming angrily against his bars, demanding Simon stop whatever he was doing. The only thing that stopped Simon from getting any closer to Ruby's face were the cell bars.
"Lie."
Wheezer doubled over to her side, curling up with her eyes squeezed shut, still attempting to take in any air in the room, but Ruby knew there wasn't any left. Not with Simon's hand on that button. At this point, the frizzy haired girl could already see tears forming in the corner of her eyes, her hands now pulling at her scalp in misery. Through the years she's known her, Wheezer has never once cried on a mission.
Then she stopped. Stopped moving, stopped screaming, stopped breathing.
Ruby tore her gaze from Simon when her foot turned red.
She was allergic to teammates being tortured.
She was allergic to teammates hurting teammates.
She was allergic to teammates dying.
A wave of silence overcame the cellar, the NERDS' expressions a mix of shock, fear, and concern, still processing in their head what they just witnessed. Then, as if only realizing now, they roared, their attention now back on Simon, letting out their anger on the red headed villain.
"What did you do?" Duncan barks, looking as if he were ready to break the bars off with his bare hands. "What did you do?!"
Flinch covered his ears, eyes forced shut as he slid to the floor, breathing heavily, shaking. "Oh my god, oh my god, Wheezer's dead...WHEEZER'S DEAD!!"
"Calm down buffoons, she's only unconscious," Simon mumbles, removing his thumb from the button. "Killing her now would only relieve her from her suffering." The mastermind leaned into his microphone-pen. "Goons, take Wheezer back to her cell. Leave one of the disabled inhalers inside."
Ruby let out a breath of relief. Despite his new villain stature, Simon still had humane morals. He wouldn't kill one of them, not yet at least.
That marked the start of Simon's new torturous methods. From tricking Flinch into eating poisoned Hershey's, to hijacking Jackson's braces into nearly pulling themselves apart, Simon grew more and more creative for the NERDS' suffering.
Ruby's was just to simply watch. To have to listen to each of their screams being broadcast to her from surveillance cameras, unable to help them, unable to remove them from the pain.
Wheezer was always the one who got the worst of it. Whether it was because she was Simon's first victim or her asthma, Ruby didn't know. That was one thing Ruby's allergies couldn't predict. Ruby could remember days where Matilda wouldn't even fight back, letting the goons take her to her panic room without a struggle, handing them her inhaler. When inside, she sits in the middle of the room, eyes glued to the floor, hugging her legs to her chest, simply waiting for her fate. Ruby hated it. Wheezer had always been the fiercest of the spies, never backing down from a single fight. To see her in such a reduced state where she actually considered giving up...that was something she couldn't stand.
Ruby never remembered how they even escaped the wretched place. Maybe a backup team had been sent to rescue them or Brand and Ms. Holiday had personally stormed the place, the blonde wasn't sure. All she and the rest of the NERDS wanted to do was put that chapter of their lives far, far away.
Until Heathcliff came back.
"What did I do?"
Heathcliff didn't miss how each of the NERDS tensed up at his statement. When nobody said anything, he continued. "I've listened to what you've said about me during mission debriefings. 'Bad-guy Heathcliff,' 'unstable,' 'end of the world schemes,' Benjamin already showed me what happened through the past year, I know what happened, but I can tell he was holding back if the rest of you are still keeping your distance from me. So please, just be straight with me - what did I do?"
Heathcliff studied all their faces. Flinch seemed to cower into himself, gripping the seat of his chair. With a free hand, he turned the knob of his harness, slowly calming himself down. Duncan and Jackson both shared a look of discomfort, busying themselves with fiddling with gadgets and turning over a football respectively. Heathcliff worriedly notes that Matilda had tentatively placed a hand on her throat, her eyes flashing with recognition and a hint of fear that he never remembered her ever carrying. Ruby's expression was unreadable, something Heathcliff learned was never a good sign. None of the NERDS met his eyes, all consumed in their own world.
Finally Ruby got up, the others watching as their leader walked over to the other end of the Playground, where Benjamin was hovering nearby.
"Benjamin," Ruby said quietly. "Show the footage of Day 24 of our capture."
Both Benjamin and the rest of the NERDS were taken aback. "Are you sure this is what you wish?" the orb asked.
Ruby nodded, and a light shot out around the NERDS and Heathcliff, showing a three - dimensional projection.
The projection displayed the NERDS lined up in front of a boy with a skull mask, each battered with what Heathcliff assumes are their own assortment of scars and fading bruises from an unknown source. Duncan had several cuts and arms anywhere that showed skin, Jackson's mouth has pieces of his braces sticking out, and both Flinch and Matilda were deathly pale, although Flinch carried more of a sickly expression while Matilda looked as if she hadn't been breathing for a long time. Heathcliff guessed it had something to do with the masked boy. For some strange reason, Ruby was the only one unharmed. She wasn't even lined up with the rest of the NERDS, instead held back by goons beside the boy.
"Now you're probably wondering why I brought all of you out here today," Heathcliff nearly had a heart attack when he heard his own voice coming from the masked boy. "Usually I'd take you separately in pairs per day, and I never put you all in the same room together. Think of this as experimenting, then we'll go back to the usual schedule, capishe?"
Heathcliff was shocked when all they did was give an assertive nod, letting the goons strap them down to the chairs willingly. Why weren't they fighting back? Why wasn't Ruby helping them?
"Electric chairs? Run out of ideas or something?" Jackson grunted, leaning forward to spit blood out to the side. Heathcliff was horrified to see metallic pieces sparking where he had spat.
The masked boy chuckles darkly, walking in front of Braceface. "these aren't electric chairs Jones. You see, even though you're unable to use your upgrades, you've still got millions of nanobytes swirling through your bloodstream. This-" he pats the back of the chair. "-is designed to hack into those nanobytes. And since you're the first person to question my tactics today, I'll give you a free demonstration."
The boy pressed a button on the side of the chair, and the machinery whirled to life. Or at least the orb hovering over it did. From a distance, the machine simply looked like a massage chair, vibrating and operating like one. But with a closer look at Jackson's composure, it was definitely not a massage chair. The blonde was convulsing in his seat, sucking in air through grit teeth. The orb above him blinked red, and suddenly white bolts of what appeared to be electricity - Heathcliff knew they weren't - struck down on the chair.
That's when Jackson screamed. A deafening, pained noise that snapped the other NERDS' heads up in alarm, their full attention now on their screaming companion. The masked boy immediately noticed. "Ah, interested in the machinery now?" If he wasn't wearing a mask, Heathcliff could've sworn he was raising an eyebrow. "Don't worry, you're all getting a fair turn!"
The orb above Jackson clicked, and the other orbs spun as well, glowing red as white bolts struck down on their own chairs. Heathcliff almost toppled over when they screamed in unison as loud as Jackson, stepping back from where he stood before.
The boy smiled cruelly behind his mask, turning around to face Ruby who, Heathcliff honestly can't figure out how, had kept a neutral expression for this long. Her left eye twitched, hives appearing on her knees as her ears swelled up. The boy frowned when Ruby barely gave a reaction, pressing another button on Jackson's chair. More bolts struck down from the orbs, and Ruby held back a flinch when her teammates screamed louder, jolting in their seats, their hands gripping the arms of the chair tightly as a way to stay conscious.
The real Ruby painfully closed her eyes, arms crossed over her chest as she forced herself to turn away. Hearing her friends screaming in agony, practically begging to be dead but had the dignity to never say it aloud. The sight still flashed in her head, each of the NERDS stuck in their own torment, wailing, crying, every time closer to death. She despised them all.
The masked boy growled, walking over to Ruby, ripping his mask off. Even though Heathcliff had already guessed it, seeing it personally still jarred him. Heathcliff himself glared down at Ruby, who didn't so much batter an eye at him. "Y'know, I can make this a lot worse Pufferfish," Simon seethed, tilting his head at the leader of the NERDS. "This is only the second setting. There are eight settings in all. All I have to do is press a button-" without looking back, Simon reached behind him, pressing another button, this time on the right arm of Flinch's chair. The orb above him turned yellow, and suddenly the bolts increased, and a sound that could only be described as a mix of a bat and a banshee erupted from the Latino boy. "-and I can force them to simply take it all in."
The two were locked in another staredown, just like the one during the first day, daring the other to look away first. Simon's hand drifted to another button, ignoring the shrieking boy and the bright white flashes behind him.
"Stop it," Heathcliff whispered, his eyes wide with fright.
His brows furrowed, waiting for Ruby to look away, his hand staying on the current button. Pufferfish sniffled, signifying a runny nose, but otherwise she didn't back down. Flinch's screams only increased, the loudest among the rest of the NERDS. Even without his superstrength, Flinch was on the brink of crushing the chair arms then and there.
"Stop it!" Heathcliff exclaimed, whirling to Ruby and NERDS. "Turn it off!"
The NERDS looked over at their leader, their eyes pleading for her to turn off the projection as well. But both the current Ruby and Simon didn't stop.
Simon only lifted his hand when Flinch turned silent. The orb above him clicked, shutting off, its job done.
Like a domino effect, the other orbs clicked off as well. The NERDS panted heavily, each exhaling in relief that it was over.
Until Duncan looked over at Flinch.
Flinch had gone limp in his chair, his head hung heavily. Duncan could still see his back moving up and down, a sign he was still breathing, but barely.
Jackson and Matilda only noticed when they heard choking noises. They turned over to the once hyperactive boy, who was making weird sounds from his throat. Suddenly his shot forward, and the NERDS watched in alarm as he began vomiting on the floor, a foul smell of mashed potatoes, spoiled meat, and blood filling the air.
What terrified them the most were the nanobytes floating around in the remains, each popping and fizzing like the pieces of Jackson's braces.
"That was the fifth setting," Simon informed coldly as the goons unstrapped the NERDS from their chairs. One goon took one NERD each, throwing them over their shoulder as if they weighed nothing. Which, they technically didn't, Simon only ever fed them once in a while. "You're lucky it wasn't the eighth."
The projection ended, and each memory came rushing back to him. The day he proposed the abuse, the weeks the NERDS were separated for torturing, the looks on all their faces when each came just inches away from dying. The redhead placed a hand on his head, an incredulous look on his face. Heathcliff stumbled back, sitting himself into a chair.
Ruby stepped forward without acknowledgement. "During your days as Simon, you succeeded in capturing and imprisoning all of us in your lair. You did nothing to me. But them-" Ruby pointed to the other NERDS, who each carried a self - conscious look, attempting to be apart of the conversation. "You beat them mercilessly in several different days, breaking them, tearing their self confidence to pieces day after day, waiting for them to snap. You hurt them, terribly. It's a miracle they even recovered from what you did to them. God, they almost died several times to the point they were waiting for the day they would. Did you see the blood on Flinch and Jackson? Do you remember how you scraped Duncan's skin just to remove every sign of paste on him? Do you remember how you suffocated Matilda because you knew her asthma would make her vulnerable to minimal oxygen? Do you? Do you Heathcliff?!"
The leader of the NERDS took a deep breath, regaining composure, then continued. "Everything that happened to them, every time you'd punish them for something they didn't do, watching them suffer with a smile, that is what you did. What you did to them is the exact reason I specifically gave an order for them to keep their distance from you. I may not show it often, but I care deeply for each and every one of them. What they had to go through is unforgivable, and I don't want anything like that happening ever again."
The NERDS watched as Ruby began walking to the exit of the briefing room, one by one following her lead. "I hope you got your answer," she called before the door closed shut behind them.
Heathcliff looked up only when he only heard four pairs of footsteps leave. Jackson hesitantly approached the redhead, who sat up at the sight of him. "Jackson...I-I don't know what to say..I...I-"
"Hey, it's alright," Jackson said reassuringly, pulling a chair to sit in front of Heathcliff. "I'm not here to do...whatever it was that Ruby did just now."
"Insult and expose me for the monster I am?"
"You're not a monster."
"That footage sure as heck made it look like I was."
"Listen," The former football player placed a hand on Heathcliff's shoulder. "You shouldn't get caught up in what she showed you. Yes, Ruby's furious and we all got effected by it, but that was all in the past. We're still here, being spies, fighting bad guys, saving the world. You should never let yourself be held back by things that happened back then."
Jackson turned to the orb. "Benjamin?"
Heathcliff didn't remember when Jackson had gotten accumulated to the robotic ball's commands, but the orb spun, showing another projection.
This time, the boys found themselves inside the School Bus, the dark skies through the windows suggesting it was midnight. This took place after the NERDS had been rescued, on their way back to the Playground.
"When all of you disappeared suddenly, we struggled on what to tell your families," Brand said standing up, cane in hand. "Duncan and Jackson's families knew about their spy lives, so that was easily taken care of, but as for the rest of you, we had to simply tell them you were kidnapped and we working on finding you. We can drop you home now, maybe talk a little with your parents-"
"Brand?" The director stopped when one of the agents spoke, raising their hand slightly. Flinch bit his lip in hesitation, then asked, "can we...stay over for the night at the Playground? We'd like... some time with ourselves before returning home."
Brand took a long, hard look at the agents assembled in the cockpit, a flash of sympathy and guilt in his eyes. Heathcliff understood why they wanted to sleep over - with weeks with only their own thoughts, they must've wanted to be closer than ever. "Of course you can children," Ms. Holiday fussed in the motherly tone she used whenever she had to calm them in an argument. "We have a few pillows and blankets in the storage room, but you'll have to sleep on the floor, okay?"
"And take a shower," the lunch lady added. "You all reek."
"Then it's settled," Brand nodded. "There should be some old gym clothes you can wear in the storage room as well, and Ms. Holiday and I can provide you all with bathroom supplies."
The NERDS nodded, some mumbling 'okay.' Brand and Holiday exchanged looks of concern when that was the only response they got, the agents falling silent once more. Usually one of them would spite out a joke to lighten the mood, then none of them seemed interested in conversing.
It wasn't long until they had arrived to the Playground, the NERDS filing out without a word. Ms. Holiday gathered the bathroom supplies and gym clothes at lightning speed, ushering them to the showers. Unlike the showers in the middle school, each had a separate stall, which gave them as much privacy as they needed.
After a while, each of them stepped out of the showers, some later then others, piling up in the room Ms. Holiday had pointed out before they entered the showers. The lunch lady was waiting inside, a weight scale in the corner and an assortment of doctor's tools on a table. "Hop onto the scale," he said to each of them when they came in, taking notes of of their weight. The lunch lady performed a few other tests, pointing a flashlight in Jackson's mouth to check his braces, doing a scan of Flinch's stomach, having Matilda practice breathing for a stethoscope, and so on.
"So from the results of the tests, Jackson's braces are...a hot mess, Flinch has literal nothing in his stomach, which hints either vomiting or starvation, maybe both, Duncan your skin is practically peeling off, so you'll need treatment for that, Matilda, speak for me?"
"Hi," the littlest of the spies croaked, and the lunch lady grimaces. "That basically speaks for itself, I'll probably get you a breathing mask for that, and Ruby-...." the lunch lady falters, squinting at his clipboard. "Ruby, you're completely fine. Besides a few scars and the weight loss shared between the rest of you, you're unharmed. There's not a single hair on your head missing."
The NERDS stayed quiet. They never really questioned why Ruby was the only one who never got hurt, but they assumed it was because Ruby and Heathcliff were close before. Every session Simon would go in front of Ruby's stall, gloating about his latest ideas and plans. If they didn't have cell doors or goons in between them, the other NERDS would've assumed they were working together.
"With this info, would it be appropriate to ask what exactly happened in there?" The lunch lady scratches the back of his head. "I mean, I get that it's a difficult topic to talk about, and I don't expect you to answer right away, but in order to help you, we have to know what was going on."
Again, not a word from the NERDS. The lunch lady sighs, sliding his clipboard on the table. "Alright, I'll be calling you one at a time for treatments and prescriptions. Jackson, you first."
With that, the other NERDS headed to the room on the left, finding the pillows and blankets Ms. Holiday mentioned in a pile. The spies got to work with arranging them into somewhat of a pillow fort, only realizing halfway that they didn't have enough to make it big enough for all of them, so instead left a large gap on the side for them to lay down in. They probably made it too narrow that they'd have to squeeze together to fit, but they couldn't care less. The lunch lady would occasionally pop in to call one of them for treatment, the other returning from it at the same the time.
They finished the fort when Matilda came back carrying a bottle bigger than her head and her replacement inhalers.
"What's with the bottle?" Flinch asked, munching on a granola bar. All the lunch lady said to him was to fill his stomach with the nearby vending machine snacks, but not to take anything sweet just yet.
"The lunch lady said to drink 'plenty' of water, saying it'll help bring my voice back," Matilda wheezed, half her words sounding as if she had inhaled helium. "Since I'm supposed to drink ten eight - ounce glasses of water everyday, he gave me half a pitcher to cover the days I didn't."
"Maybe you should rest your voice for now," Duncan suggested. "You're already having a harder time talking then usual."
Matilda nodded as Ruby adjusted the last pillow for the row of pillows they'd be sleeping on. Five pillows, five of them. "Flinch, finish that granola bar and go brush your teeth. Duncan, go follow him to steer him away from anything with sugar." Both boys nodded, the Latino shoving the rest of the granola bar into his mouth before following Duncan out the door.
Matilda took a sip from her water bottle, glancing up before pointing at the small glowing orbs floating around the room in confusion. Jackson followed her line of sight. "Oh those?" He asked. "Duncan activated them. Said it would give enough light in case one of us needed to go to the bathroom or something."
"We just got back and Duncan's already playing around with the gadgets?" Ruby joked. "That guy really can't separate himself from technology." This earned a chuckle from the other two, the female recapping her bottle before setting it aside. Heathcliff couldn't help but smile a little at the sight. They had just returned from being beaten to the core, and they already seemed to be slowly turning back to their normal selves. Or at least, as normal as a NERD could be.
It wasn't long until Flinch and Duncan returned, and the NERDS shut off the lights, getting ready to turn in for the night. Flinch and Matilda lay on the left, Duncan beside Matilda, making him in the middle of the five, with Jackson and Ruby on his right.
The NERDS stayed put for a while, simply laying there but not exactly sleeping just yet. Not even a few minutes had passed when Jackson blurted, "as tired as I was on the School Bus, I can't fall asleep."
"Me neither."
"Not a wink."
"Surprisingly, no."
"Matilda?"
There was the sound of shuffling beside Duncan, so he assumed she shook her head. "Well that's just great," Ruby grumbled. "How are we gonna fall asleep?"
"Hey Duncan, why don't you tell us about those floaty thingies you got set up around the room?" Jackson asked. The chubby boy perked up. "Well for starters, these 'floaty thingies' are called the strontium aluminate-" a loud exaggerated snore cut Duncan off, causing a few laughs from the others. Duncan scowled at Jackson, who in return gave a shrug, smiling.
And just like that, the NERDS stayed up for the rest of the night, finding a deck of cards on one of the shelves and going through multiple rounds of card games to pass the time. Normal games turned into bets, which escalated to screaming matches when they lost. By the time it was morning and Brand, Holiday, and the lunch lady had come in to check on them, they were all sprawled out on in different positions, asleep. The cards were scattered across the room, their pillow fort disassembled, and Jackson's face covered with several sharpie drawings.
"Should we wake them?" The lunch lady asked, walking over to move Flinch to the side. In his original position, one of his legs kept kicking Wheezer, who in return elbowed him in her sleep.
Brand shook his head, a small smile coming to his face. "Let them rest. They're recovering already."
The projection ended, and Jackson turned back to Heathcliff. "See? Even after just coming back, we were okay. Sure, we decided to miss out a few days of school to take a short break, but afterwards were raring to go on another mission."
"Heathcliff I'm going to be completely honest - we all hated you during those weeks were captured. But we don't hate the you right now. You can start over, just like I did. And yes, gaining their trust will be hard - heck Ruby will be dead set on making your life a living hell - but they'll come around when they're ready. They'll see that you're not the Heathcliff you were before, and sooner or later, you'll be back on the team."
"Hey, Jackson," Heathcliff spoke after a moment. The blonde quirked a brow. "Why are you helping me? After what I did, after that order Ruby gave you and the others, why do you still help me?"
The blonde chuckles, getting up from his chair. "Do I really need to answer that? It's simple." He extended a hand to the boy with glasses. "You're my friend, Heathcliff." The boy gradually took his hand, and Jackson pulls him up.
"And friends don't hurt each other."
#N.E.R.D.S#nerds michael buckley#N.E.R.D.S. fics#nerds jackson jones#nerds heathcliff hodges#nerds duncan dewey#nerds matilda choi#nerds ruby peet#nerds julio escala#agent braceface#agent choppers#simon#agent gluestick#agent wheezer#agent pufferfish#agent flinch#angst#fluff
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you drew stars around my scars
Who: Clarissa Hawthorne & Elias Westwood
When: Evening, Friday, December 4, 2020
Where: A dive bar in NYC
What: Clarissa runs into her ex-boyfriend and closure is found.
Warnings: Discussion of past abuse.
Word Count: 2392
Notes: Part 1 of 3. Part 2. Part 3.
Clarissa was on her way home from work, just a normal Friday night in New York City. Busy, crowded, and full of life. The kind of night that made her miss her eyesight most. That made her miss the nights she'd go out for drinks with Jill at their favorite dive bar back in Pittsburgh. When she could go to a club and still be able to function by the end of the night. Before her eyes really started to give up on her.
Lost in her memories of better times, she almost thought she'd heard things. The curious, "Lissa?" that entered the air somewhere behind her. Then she heard it again.
"Lissa? Clarissa Hawthorne, is that you?" She knew that voice and it had her stopping dead in her tracks and turning to face him.
"Elias." God, she hadn't seen him in near eight years. And he was still as unfairly attractive as he had been then. When she’d last seen him in public. Before their lives had fully split them apart for good.
"Been a long time." There was that smile. The one that was so charming it was disarming. The one that had kept her coming back until she didn't. Until she’d made the best choice for herself, no matter how much it had hurt.
"Yeah. What are you doing here?" She was doing the best she could to keep her guard up. The way he was smiling, as if he was far more excited to see her after all this time than she was to see him. Which she imagined was the case.
“Work. You?”
“Yeah, same.” She rubbed the back of her neck with a soft, awkward laugh. They’d always been bad at small talk, it’d been what had drawn her to him. He was good at making conversations mean something, provided they did something for him.
“Are you free right now? I- I feel like we need to talk.” He was insecure, that was the first thing Clarissa picked up on. He’d never really been the type. Honestly, he’d always been confident, cocky even, and there was something almost alarming at how genuinely insecure he seemed.
“Yeah, I am. Uh, there’s a dive bar near here, sells really good food, if that works?” She smiled softly at him, a little concerned at the way he seemed to tense up, get more nervous as she agreed. There were things they did need to talk about, closure that had never come of their relationship with how it’d ended, but she’d never really imagined he’d be the one initiating, nor did she ever imagine she’d ever see him again.
“Yeah, sounds great. Lead the way?” Clarissa nodded and turned around, waiting until he’d fallen into step beside her to actually start walking. “So, how… blind are you? Can I ask that? Is that weird?”
“Pretty blind. Like, legally and then some.” She laughed a little. “I’m not so blind I can’t work, though, so that’s nice. Not that I think I’d ever quit unless I absolutely had to.”
“You always were stubborn.”
“Yeah, but would I be me if I wasn’t?” They laughed at that before falling into an awkward silence the rest of the way to the bar. He held the door open for her like the gentleman he’d always been and waited for him to join her, before moving further into the place, grabbing his arm out of habit as he led them to a booth near the back. It was one of those things they’d always done, even when she was dating him, despite her eyesight having been infinitely better back then, because it was easier than risking tripping.
They took a seat in the booth, Clarissa folding her cane up and putting it in her bag and pulling out her phone. Part of the reason she’d chosen this place, besides the fact it was close by, was because their menu was online and she could easily access it via her phone, making it much easier to decide on what she wanted to eat.
The pair sat in silence, waiting until after they’d ordered and their drinks had arrived, an Old Fashion for Clarissa and just a Coke for Elias, before they really decided to talk.
“I’m sober.” The words were the actual last thing that Clarissa ever imagined she’d hear from him. He’d never been particularly bad with his drinking, He hadn’t been great, and they’d definitely had more than one fight where the drinking had made it all worse, but she wouldn’t have it would be a reason. Then again, she hadn’t seen him in so long, there were likely other factors to it.
“You- That’s great, but we could have gone someplace else. I’d never-” He held up a hand to cut her off.
“It was a personal choice and this is fine. I don’t mind being around it, I just choose not to. And, I imagine, on some levels, you’d be more comfortable discussing things after a drink, than without it.” It was so odd, hearing him talk about putting her comfort first, but he definitely wasn’t wrong about her needing a drink.
“Right. So, what is there to talk about?” As much as Clarissa knew exactly what there was to talk about, she needed him to say it.
“How I treated you, when we were dating.” He looked down at the table and sighed. “I was bad for you. I was bad to you, and I knew that. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I liked it. I liked having that sort of power. But it wasn’t right. You deserved to be with someone who wanted you for you, and I made you think tat was me. I mean, I loved you, but I loved the power I had over you.”
Clarissa listened to him speak and took a long sip of her drink. “Look at me, Elias.” He raised his head to look at her. “Now tell me that again. Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth.”
Elias swallowed. “I used you for my own personal, selfish gain. I used you and I made it so hard for you to leave, because I knew the moment you did, I’d lose all of that. I was selfish. I was possessive. I-” He took a deep breath. “I abused the trust you’d given me. I abused the love and affection and care. You wanted someone to look at you and not see a burden and instead of doing that, instead of being someone who loved you for you, I used that against you. I know that now. I knew it then, too, but- You leaving did things to me. Things I’m thankful for, sort of.”
For a while, Clarissa just sat there in stunned silence. She’d never dreamed he’d ever admit to what he’d done to her. Hell, she wasn’t even sure he’d known, in the sense that some part of her had always chalked it up to her own overreactions. Which, admittedly, was probably exactly why he’d been able to get away with it for as long as he had.
“What do you mean things happened?”
“I might have gone off the deep end a little. I lost my job because I was drinking and angry and I ended up getting help. I ended up in therapy and I got set straight and I got to the root of my issues. The reasons I’d done what I did to you. Why I wanted that kind of power. Why I took advantage of it, of you.” He fiddled with his hands and Clarissa took another long sip of her drink. She really didn’t know what to say or how to respond. It was so strange to her, to hear him say these things. That he was admitting to what he’d done to her.
“I’m glad you got help. I’m sorry it cost you your job, I know you’d been working hard for it.”
“It needed to happen. Besides, after I got help I got an even better job here in New York. I really am sorry, for everything I did to you. The way I treated you, the fact I made you choose between me and your work. I’m glad you got free of me, I really am. I can’t imagine what might have happened if things had kept going.”
Before Clarissa could reply, the waiter returned with their food and she sighed. She didn’t think that they’d been talking for that long. The place was relatively fast, but it still tended to take a good twenty or more minutes for a single order. She rubbed the back of her neck a little, waiting for the waiter to leave before she even thought of replying.
“I accept your apology, Elias. I never really imagined I’d hear you say any of that. I’d resigned myself to a reality where I was stuck living with what you’d done to me. Honestly, there were days, more often than not, that I was convinced I deserved it. That what you’d done was what I deserved, or… I don’t know.” She shrugged.
“No, Lissa, you never deserved the way I treated you. You deserve so much better than me. I hope you’ve maybe found someone.”
“No, I’ve been single ever since. Unless you count my cats.” She chuckled, taking a bite of a fry.
“Really?”
“You sound surprised.”
“I am. A woman like you, you could probably get anyone you wanted. You deserve to find someone who loves and cares for you the way you deserve. Who can appreciate how sweet and funny and caring you are. Not to say your cats aren’t immensely lucky, but a person would be privileged to know you like that.” His smile was soft as he began to eat.
“I prefer working, honestly. If I had to pick between having a relationship and working just to come home to my cats, I’d choose work and cats. Even before you, and everything that happened between us, I was in a place where relationships were more work than they should have been. And I mean, my eyes have only gotten worse since then. I can only imagine that it’d be so much worse now.” She shrugged.
“To the right person, your eyes wouldn’t matter, Lissa. You were an amazing person back then and I’m sure that hasn’t changed. And if it has, it’s only gotten better. I have no doubts that if you found the right person, all that would matter is that. That you’re an amazing person. Your disability, your eyes, to the right person are just going to be part of who you, part of what makes you who you are.”
The way he spoke was genuine and something about that hurt Clarissa in a way she’d never imagined. Because he was someone who had loved her, whether she wanted to acknowledge that or not. He knew what she was like in the private moments that now only her cats were privy to. One of the only other people, outside of her own family, who was that familiar with how she was in those moments, was Jill, the woman she’d been roommates with until she’d left Pittsburgh. And Jill held a similar sentiment, that the right person wouldn’t even bat an eyelash at the kind of help and care that went into being with someone like Clarissa.
“You’re too kind, Elias,” she ducked her head, trying to hide the blush she knew was spreading across her cheeks and onto her ears.
“Still can’t take a compliment, can you?” He teased, gently. “How is it possible that someone who has done everything you have, still can’t see how great you are?”
“Shut up, I’m not that great.”
“Bullshit, Lissa. You’re blind. You’re still working. You’re independent and sweet and the kind of humble other people wish they could be. You could have given up on life long before now, but you didn’t. That is amazing for anyone, but especially for someone with a disability. And yeah, we haven’t been around each other in years, but it’s not hard to see how great you still are.”
Clarissa rubbed the back of her neck and focused on her food instead of responding. Some part of her knew he was right, he wasn’t the only person who said it. So many people in her life said so, that she was too humble for her own good. That she let the good and the bad roll off her back. That she refused to admit how amazing she was. Not just because of being blind but just in general. Sure, she was a nerd, but she was also talented and skilled and had accomplished so much, even for someone who wasn’t blind.
Elias chose then to change the subject, realizing that Clarissa was obviously uncomfortable with it. The pair spent the rest of their meal discussing various ongoings in their lives since they’d last seen each other. The kind of work they’d both been doing. Personal relationships. Clarissa’s cats and the baking she did in her free time. How Elias was spending his time. The kinds of video games they were both playing at the time. The games they’d enjoyed since they’d last dated. It was nice conversation and was the kind of thing she’d missed. That reminded her of how good things had been when they’d been together, at least when things weren’t terrible. He’d been the kind of person who made her feel amazing and seen, and he still was. Which just made it hurt so much more, knowing that this is what they’d come to. Years later, sitting in a dive bar, miles and miles away from where they’d last seen each other, passing time like no time at all had actually passed.
After exchanging numbers and agreeing that they perhaps needed to do a bit more talking about what had happened between them, in a far more private setting, the two went separate ways. Honestly, Clarissa wasn’t sure how she was supposed to take everything that had happened, everything that she’d heard. The way things felt. It was all more than a bit much and she had a feeling she was in for a very long night.
#abuse tw#p: s002#p: self#p: all#about: every tears a diamond on my cheek#about: you drew stars around my scars and now im bleeding
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Okay, I fumed about this some in the rant I just posted and then deleted, but let’s talk more about this specific issue:
English scholars and gatekeeping literature.
More specifically: Upholding outdated values of what makes a piece of literature ‘worthwhile,’ in this case specifically surrounding collegiate English communities. I’m aware that there are more than likely others outside of the college community who feel the same, but I’m going to talk about what I know.
Last semester in one of my classes, a debate started up. This debate was surrounding the following statement said by one of my classmates:
“Ebooks, self-publishing, and fanfiction are killing literature.”
At first, I thought that there was no way that statement would stand. I mean, it seems so outdated. But the thing was, only a couple of my classmates tried to argue against it. Almost everyone in the class agreed. And among those who did argue, the majority argued against the ebook point, one or two argued against the self-publishing point, and no one argued against the fanfiction point. I was the only person in my class who tried to argue against all three of the above points. And I’m pretty sure that the other people who argued against any of the points....weren’t English majors....
I became an English major thinking that people who studied literature did so because they had an appreciation for it. And I had always had this naive view of the world, where people would want the things they appreciate to be shared with a wide audience, not locked away where only a select few can enjoy it. I thought that this would be especially true for English majors, since so many of our discussions are about the roles and treatment of minorities in society, about classism, about equality.
But instead, I came across more people than I would have liked who seem to actively want to keep literature out of certain hands just because they have a list of criteria of what makes a piece of writing ~*worthwhile literature*~ and if it doesn’t hit every criteria, then it’s worthless and “killing literature” (and trust me, that phrase has me rolling my eyes so hard it hurts. Humans have always been storytellers and we always will be. Literature isn’t dying any time soon. Only your outdated ideals of what it ‘should’ be are.)
So. Let’s start with the idea that Ebooks are killing literature.
The classmate who said this works at a locally owned used bookstore. So I wholeheartedly understand the idea that online shopping is killing local businesses and that being able to buy books in an electronic format is making people less likely to buy physical copies, especially at smaller bookstores. That’s a valid fear that a lot of people have. And I’m not going to get into whether or not that’s factually correct because that isn’t the point (also I’m too lazy to find the research on it.)
The fact is, whether or not they’re killing small bookstores, ebooks make literature more accessible.
My mother has bad eyesight and needs a new prescription on her glasses. But she doesn’t have insurance and can’t get in to see an optometrist. But she absolutely adores reading. So guess what happened when I told her she could get the Kindle app for free on her computer? She lit up like a Christmas tree. It’s so much easier for her to read because 1. she doesn’t have to bend over a physical book and hurt her back and 2. she can make the font as large as she needs to in order to not strain her eyes. She also found books from her favorite authors that were electronic only. And yeah, there are a lot of ethical dilemmas about Amazon. I’m not saying there aren’t. But ebooks can be a better alternative for people with bad eyesight. And there are probably plenty of other disabilities that ebooks help with. Hell, I prefer ebooks sometimes because there’s so much more you can do with a computer interface that makes note taking, highlighting, bookmarking, using indexes, etc. so much easier than a physical copy of a book.
But, you know, it’s funny that my classmates (who are usually young and have decent eyesight) don’t complain about audiobooks killing literature as well. Even though a lot of them prefer listening over reading. But then again, a lot of them find the books they want to read for free on youtube and listen to them there instead of buying an audiobook. But I guess that’s okay.
This isn’t even bringing up the point that ebooks are less expensive than physical books. I grew up poor. To me, buying a new book is a luxury. So I get new books way less often than I would like to because I feel like I can’t justify the expense. I mean...upwards of $20-$30? For one book? But I can get ebooks online for $1-$5 sometimes. It’s so much easier to justify buying a new ebook every now and then than it is a physical book, though I still like to buy in person when I can.
Now the next point: Self-publishing
Okay. This one hits hard. My class was discussing this one as if the only authors who self-publish are the ones who were too awful to be accepted by traditional publishers. Which is bullshit. I’m not going to get much into this point because I’m writing this on a writeblr account and this community has talked a lot about traditional vs self publishing and I’m not going to rehash the same arguments.
But there are a couple of things I want to bring up.
Not everything that’s traditionally published is good literature. *cough*50shadesofgraygettingpickedupbyapublishingcompany*cough* And not everything that’s self-published is awful. One of my favorite series of all time was self-published. And sure, it’s got its flaws, but so does any piece of literature.
Getting published traditionally isn’t a matter of skill. You can be a great writer and never get picked up by a publisher if you’re not writing the right thing at the right time or if you’re not lucky or this or that or whatever. And there are some not so great authors who do get published.
And let’s be honest. The publishing industry is a complete mess in need of an overhaul right now. There have been at least two diversity scandals that I’ve heard of just within the last few months, one of which was making major headlines. And this definitely throws a wrench into the ‘getting traditionally published’ idea, especially for authors of color, LGBT authors, or authors that are trying to bring more diversity into mainstream literature. If you aren’t meeting a white man’s ideals of what diversity should be and are lucky enough to get picked to be their token diverse author of the year, you’re not going to get much in the way of marketing, if you’re even lucky enough to get published to begin with. But most of the diversity issues are around POC specifically and I feel like it isn’t my place as a white woman to talk about this any more than I already have.
And even with all this in mind, some people choose to self-publish over traditional publishing. It doesn’t automatically mean that they got rejected and took it upon themselves to share their masterpiece with the world despite the publishing industry telling them it’s a piece of shit, or whatever the gatekeepers think.
And the last point: Fanfiction
okay. listen. i’m done with this argument. we shouldn’t have to defend the existence of fanfiction. and I’m tired of arguing with people over whether or not it’s a literary genre or not. because it is. end of story. i’m not taking any criticism at this time, thank you.
It opens the door to new writers.
Some readers are more likely to read about characters they already know rather than trying to get to know brand new characters, but can also serve as a gateway to introducing to people to reading literature.
Some fanfics are written better than a lot of traditionally published literature than I’ve read.
Fanfic writers don’t even get paid, even when they crank out a fanfic longer than a novel. Like? What saints
It feels like, and I may be wrong but, fanfic writers tend to have more consistent one-on-one interaction with fans and those fans (no offense) in some cases tend to be...how do I say this....extremely entitled.
People have been writing fanfiction for who knows how long. It isn’t exactly new. But just as the internet is making it easier to access traditional literature, it’s making it easier to access fanfiction as well.
And a host of other things. FANFICTION IS NOT KILLING LITERATURE YOU PRETENTIOUS ASSHATS. YOU JUST WANT TO PRETEND THE ONLY FANFIC WRITERS ARE CRINGEY PRETEENS WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO WRITE. And you know what?? So what if preteens are writing fanfic? That doesn’t mean it has no literary value. And it’s teaching them lessons and helping curate and improve their creative writing skills. It’s like you expect writers to just pop out of the womb with a quill in hand, a cigarette between their lips, twirling their fucking handlebar mustache as they discuss the value of metaphors in Paradise Lost with the doctor before writing a masterpiece as their family takes them home from the hospital for the first time.
TLDR; we can’t argue that something is ‘killing literature’ when literature isn’t dying. The medium is shifting with the times, just like everything else, while some people’s close-minded ideas of what constitutes ‘good’ or ‘worthwhile’ literature is stagnant. It’s irresponsible, as literary scholars, to gatekeep literature. All you’re doing, in the end, is shaming people out of reading in general, let alone reading what you believe are the correct things to read in the correct ways of reading them. You can’t argue the value of minorities, class differences, and diversity in literature and then also try and claim that only certain types of literature are allowed, when narrowing down those types blocks the very people you believe literature is supposed to uplift from accessing it.
#erin screams into the void#long post under read more#I...got kinda heated. I didn't expect this to get so long.#but you know what? I'm posting it anyway!#I did not write out a 1700+ word rant just to delete it#...holy shit i wrote a 1700 word rant on this....
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Just curious, why hasn't Viviani has his eyesight restored/healed yet? Living in a world where healing magic is available (and especially having grown up in a temple full of clerics who probably know Restoration at the least), you'd think he would have had the chance by now. Has he chosen not to?
this gives me a chance to talk about some stuff regarding his psyche, and some lore stuff actually, so i'm really happy to answer this. under cut bc i ramble lmao
there's a number of reasons he hasn't been cured of his cataracts yet, most of which are personal but there's a practical side to it too.
let's talk practical first. in his youth, they weren't as bad as they currently are. it was clear from an extremely early age that he was having difficulty seeing, but initially it wasn't something that seemed like it would impede him, so it was left alone - he was having some success learning to read plain script/type early on, though it clearly wasn't that easy for him either. by the time it was obvious it was getting worse and would impact his daily life, he had the autonomy to deny treatment, which he did -- although it'd be more accurate to say he's deferring treatment, rather than outright denying it (i'll explain more about that shortly.
in addition to that, there's another practicality issue. now that he's grown and is entirely used to getting around and going about his day-to-day blind, it's going to be an undertaking to re-learn the world through clear vision if/when he does get healed. having to leave the temple AND relearn a whole sense and the way he responds to it at the same time would be a lot on him, especially so early on in his journey.
(now, a quick break into game mechanics. we've not exactly decided if Lesser Restoration would clear his cataracts, since they're a little more complex than the Blinded status condition; for one it was not gained or contracted the way that a Disease or Status Condition is, it was congenital and he was born with it. if his cataracts all collectively count as One Disease then that would cut it. basically, we haven't totally decided what spell it would take just yet but it might not have to be any higher than Lesser; jury's out.)
on to the more personal things. firstly, he may well have been (realistically? he absolutely was) offered whatever spell it would take to cure his condition, and he would have turned it down on the principle that there are other people who need free healing far more than he does - "Whatever you would have done for me, do instead for someone less fortunate." the way he sees it, he gets along fine without perfect sight. if it should go entirely, he would more seriously consider seeking treatment, but as of right now, he is much less in need than so many people around him.
next, there's a bit of a religious reasoning. he's not sure how practical this thought is, but it seems significant to him that one of the only things he can see clealry is sunlight, and it's only in sunlight that the world around him is easily made sense of. furthermore, he feels like there may be a reason for his blindness; Lathander has handed him a task and if he were unable to complete it as he already was, Lathander would have made that clear. perhaps there is a part of this task which might actually be easier, being unable to see things clearly. the point, he'd say, is that he doesn't know, but lathander does, so he's just trusting his guidance and judgement. perhaps the morninglord will grant him clear sight somewhere along the way, in which case he will graciously accept it as a divine gift. he’s not sure when it should happen, or how or why. until it's clear to him that healing his sight is what he should do next, he’s content to wait.
lastly, and perhaps one of his more pressing reasons, he has a bit of an ax to grind on the matter. there's this fairly common conception that Aasimar cannot be "flawed" (read: disabled) as that would somehow undermine their inherently celestial nature; as if having a disability was some kind of marring unholiness, or somehow made them less whole or incomplete. he takes great offense to that, and being an aasimar who is blind -- and, now, one who is adventuring and proving himself capable -- it feels like a way to prove people who believe this wrong. yes, he is an aasimar, descended from the angels, and he is also blind, and he's more than capable of taking on the world just as he is. his blood is no less holy because of this.
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Well, I didn’t See That Coming, and That Was Petty As Hell (Being Banned From A Pagan Dating Facebook Group)
So yeah, I was recently banned from a Pagan dating group on Facebook. What did I do to deserve being banned from said group? I was banned for the most petty shit I have ever read and experienced in the past half a year or so. Please, let me try to explain what happened a little bit.
So, despite still being only seperated from my former wife, with the whole divorce process being completely stalled at this point, I’ve been trying to put myself out there a little bit, meet new people, see if I can find someone special enough to start some kind of relationship with. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy thus far, nor has it worked out anywhere close to how I hoped or even expected it to.
If some of you are wondering why the divorce process has stalled out completely at this point, it’s quite simple actually. Both my former wife and I are mostly blind, on our country’s form of disability benefits, there are two diffrent countries worth of laws to take into consideration, and things are just a hot mess because of it. I mean the process is straight forward, at least on my end. All I have to do is fill out my end of the paperwork, send it off to my former wife, let her fill out her half of the paperwork, allow it all to be process, and boom it’s done with and we’re finally divorced. Hell, the paperwork will even be delivered and processed completely free of charge, because we’re both on disability benefits. Problem, however, is finding a lawyer, or in this case legal aid, that will actually help me fill out my half of the paperwork. I’ve basically been playing phone tag with them since 2016.
Thankfully my former wife and I are still friends at the end of our marriage. Not too many people can say the same thing.
I know that a lot of people tend to wait until the whole divorce thing has been done and dealt with, before trying to move on with their lives on a romantic and relationship level, but I honestly don’t know when it will be finialized. Hell, it could take another year or two at this point. So I started trying to date again about a year or so ago.
Okay, time to fast forward to what happened here recently with a Pagan themed dating group I found on Facebook. I joined said group because I thought it would be interesting to meet and possibly start a relationship with someone who practices some kind of spirituality that I do, even if only own the most vaguest of similarities.
I mean, some people just end up being weirded out by the whole Fairy Work, Spirit Work, God Spousery, or even Devotional Pagan/Polytheism thing. It happens.
However, I didn’t even last a single day on the group once I joined.
Following the rules of the group, I ended up posting an introduction post, talking a bit about myself, sharing a whole host of diffrent things that I think someone I’m going to interact with to see if there’s anything special there should know about me. I also added what I was looking for in a potential partner, and shared some of the important things about myself that someone needs to know up front before even thinking about dating me. Like the fact that I’m mostly blind. Or the fact that I’m bigender. Or the fact that I’m still in the seperated stage of my finished previous marrage.
I mean, I’m a very open and honest person about myself, especially when I feel someone needs to know something important up front, so they can make up their own minds. You know what I mean?
Well apparently that kind of approach was a no no in this group, as one of the moderaters sent me a message through Facebook’s instant messaging system and tried to get me to shorten my introduction post by what seemed like 90 percent. That particular moderator also felt like the kind of information that I was sharing about myself, the kind of information I believe people should know up front, was the kind of thing that should only be shared with after you started a relationship with...What the fuck? Okay, but what if you do start a relationship with someone, like they think should be done first, and you go ahead and share that important kind of information....like the fact that you’re bigender, and the person you are dating turns out to be someone completely straight and thus is not attracted to someone of the same gender, even if only on some level. That kind of thing can turn into a awkward train wreck pretty quickly.
Now, at the same time I was dealing with this moderator in the insant messaging feature on Facebook, I was also interacting with another moderator in the comment section of my introduction post. Apparently this particular moderator had a problem with me not posting a selfie as part of my introduction post. Which is weird as the rules of the group clearly states that posting selfies, while encouraged, is not mandatory.
Now, I have problems with various aspects of Facebook. I’m unable to post images to Facebook from my computer, most of the time anyway, due to my laptop being faulty from the moment I got it, to Facebook having a habit of interacting with and co-opperating with the screen reader I use on the computer in a very poorly, sometimes nonexistant manner.
And then of course I have another set of problems trying to post pictures to Facebook from my IPhone a lot of the time. My current phone was damaged, severely mind you, during the middle of a thunderstorm while attempting to update, back in late 2016 or early 2017. And while it has mostly been fixed and works mostly fine at this point, it has a habit to act and react in weird and chaotic ways at times. Like not allowing me to post pictures to Facebook half the time.
So I tried to explain to the moderator in the comment section of my introduction post tthat I was blind, using a screen reader, and was having problems uploading photos to Facebook, from either method, for several reasons.
And that moderator wasn’t buying at all. Turns out that moderator is completely blind, the wife of the moderator I’m also conversing with through Facebook’s instant messaging, and she’s decided to talk down to me in a very patronizing kind of way.
One of the first rules of being blind or visually impaired that anyone needs to know and understand is that everyone who is blind and visually impaired are going to be different. We’re going to be different due to different eye conditions or methods of losing our eyesight, to being different due to using different kinds of technology, reacting to those kinds of technology in different ways, and finding different ways of being accessible or making things accessible. There is literally no such thing as a one size fits all kind of concept in the land of the blind. And anyone who tries to promote such a thing is either lying, doesn’t know what they are talking about, or are being intentionally hostile on some level. Of course, a lot of people, corperations at the top of such a list, keep trying to come up with a one size fits all solution to various aspects of the blind and visually impaired community. It’s absolute failure waiting to happen, I’m telling you.
So all of my attempts at explaining my situation and the problems I’m having at posting a selfie is not being believed, and the completely blind moderator is starting to get irritated that I’m not just following her instructions, or her example for that matter, and thus stops replying to me. Fair enough, I found her attempt at helping me useless anyway.
Next thing I know, I receive one final message from the moderator I’m chatting with through instant messaging. He asks me if I’m going to follow his advice or not, and I instantly reply to him, telling him that I’m not going to follow his advice and that I found his advice problematic.
Next thing I know, I’m instantly banned from the group and blocked by all of the moderators from the group, even the half dozen or so others I never talked to in the first place.
I later found out from a friend of mine who was also trying to see if she could meet someone from that group that the two moderators basically started talking trash about me not five minutes after I got banned from the group. Apparently I was a good example of what happens to not following the awesome and never wrong advice and/or instructions from the two moderators who created and who own the group outright. Said friend tried to defend me but was banned from the same group as well.
I’m still a little upset about the whole thing, because I truely want to try and meet new people and hopefully find someone special to start dating again at some point in the future. I have since found a different Pagan focused dating group on Facebook, though I taking my time in posting any kind of introduction post on there. I’d like to try and see if I can meet other single and/or interested Pagans elsewhere. Who knows what may come in the future.
I just hate being banned from a group like that, regardless of how petty the reasons were. That kind of thing never looks, nor sound good. It makes me feel bad.
#Personal Life#Relationships#Dating Game#Online Dating Services#Pagan Dating#Facebook#Dating Groups on Facebook#Petty reasons for Being Banned#Online Dating Websites
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