i hope they fight (can’t read past this point)

Catching Stardust

Tadashi Hamada x Reader | ☁️ + ✨ | 3.9k

Most days, like any other university student, you would wake up tired. Unfortunately for you, that was not today. You had spent the entire night working on your lab report for one of your science courses and didn’t get a wink of sleep. At least it was handed in and done with.

(You had to double check - just in case your brain decided to get desperate and help you imagine the best case scenarios. Thinking and doing were two very different things, they were hard to tell apart when you were so dead tired though.)

It was one of those days.

“Morning, Honey Lemon,” you greeted as you navigated your way into the kitchen for some caffeine. Grabbing your travel coffee tumbler, you watched your blonde roommate in her morning stretching routine.

“Good morning, (Y/N)!” Honey cheerfully replied. “How was not sleeping last night?”

You halted your movements, looking up at her with concern. “Can you tell just by looking at me?”

Honey Lemon laughed. “No, silly. GoGo came home late last night and saw you up. I heard you shuffling around earlier this morning too. No raccoon eyes, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Thank goodness,” you said with a sigh as you continued pouring liquid energy into your tumbler. “This bio course is going to be the death of me.”

“You mean working two part time jobs will be the death of you,” GoGo corrected you as she walked out of her room. “Girl, you need time to have fun too.”

You stuck your tongue out at her. Rummaging through backpack, you noticed a missing tome of knowledge. “Has anyone seen my Medical Terms bible?”

“Coffee table.” Honey called out from the living room as she held the tree pose.

GoGo walked over to you with the heavy book in hand. You mouthed a thank you to her before taking a sip of coffee.

“(Y/N), you need to take some time to make some more friends or meet a cute boy,” Honey Lemon brought up. She exchanged a look with GoGo. “We know someone who you might like. He’s nice and funny, good looking as well.”

You gave your two roommates a sad smile. “By the time I’m ready for a relationship, a boy like that will already be snatched up by someone less stressed about their future.”

Grabbing your premade meals and a couple of snacks, you swung your backpack on.

“I work bookstore and pharmacy today, so I’ll see you both tomorrow morning. Good luck with your projects in the meantime.”

“Bye, (Y/N)!” Honey called out.

“Keep the luck, you need it more than we do,” GoGo said with salute.

Walking out of the apartment, you checked your phone for your schedule once more. Class at nine, bookstore at two and pharmacy at six. And it was already eight thirty, yay. Just your typical jam packed day, all so that you could pay off medical school tuition in the future.

Balancing everything in life was... impossible, but you were managing. 

Full course load university student, working two part time jobs, and a very minimal but still existent social life.

It wasn’t easy, but it was what you wanted. Going to med school was a necessary path to take if you wanted to help people out in your future career choice.

Just as you were arriving on campus, a voice caught your attention.

“(Y/N)…!”

You turned to see your friend Mina, another sufferer pre-med student.

“Hi Mina,” you greeted.

“Did you sleep last night?” she asked. When you shook your head, she let out a loud sigh. “Yeah, me too. Dr. Andrews is going to kill us with these lab reports and the test Thursday. I mean, I’d feel smarter if I weren’t so tired all the time.” 

You smiled. What a mood.

“Is my make up, okay?” Mina asked. “I don’t want Justin to see me at my worse - not yet.”

You glanced over Mina’s face. She had gone through the usual effort to make herself look cute. “You look fine and I’m sure Justin wouldn’t be scared off. He knows we’re med students.”

Mina made a face. “We’ve only been a dating for two months, (Y/N), two! He doesn’t know what kind of crazy we are yet. You never know when he might get skittish and ghost me.”

If you weren’t so tired, you would have laughed. 

Linking arms with Mina, you pulled her towards the classroom. 

Today was going to be just another day.

Tadashi checked over the information on his phone as he walked off campus towards the bookstore. He had been looking up information to help his robotics project and a certain book had come up in his recommendations. Deciding that the resource was worth checking out, and was worth the price, he was determined to get his hands on the book while his robot was still in the works.

Walking through the doors, he made his way to the medical section. Browsing the shelves, he kept an eye out for the particular title.

After circling the area for a while, he let out a huff. Where was this textbook?

Noticing a girl wearing a name tag, he approached her with smile.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could help me?”

She turned to him with a smile, (E/C) eyes making contact with his brown orbs.

“Of course, are you looking for something?”

Tadashi nodded, pulling out his phone and showing her the textbook information.

"Ahhh, this one. That’s a popular book with the first year pre-med student courses,” she commented. “Everyone always asks where this one is - we organize this one by title since there’s no author.”

Leading him back into the medical section, the girl stopped in an area of the bookstore that Tadashi had missed earlier. She tapped the spine of one of the books.

“This one is good resource for in depth procedural explanations,” she explained. “Not what you were looking for though...”

Scanning the shelves, the girl paused and frowned when she stopped a particular spot. 

“Is it out of stock?” she murmured, checking again. “For a textbook no one appreciates until third year, I’d be surprised if it’s sold out...” She turned back to Tadashi with an apologetic smile. “I’ll check if we have the book in stock - give me a second.”

Pulling out her phone, she typed up some information quickly. The results of her searching seemed to yield the same results.

“It looks like we’re actually out of stock for this textbook right now, although, we are restocking it,” she explained. “Would you like to request a reserve to get a copy?”

“That would be helpful, sure,” Tadashi agreed. 

“Great, let’s go fill out a form for you,” she chirped, leading him away. “Are you a med student?”

“No, I’m a robotics engineering student at SFIT,” he replied. “I’m working on something related to the medical field though.”

“Really? That’s so cool,” she exclaimed, looking genuinely interested. “It’s amazing to think how technology can incorporated into health sciences. If you don’t mind me asking, what are you working on?”

“A healthcare robot,” Tadashi explained with a fond smile. “It’s still in the works, nothing has been finished yet, I’m still working on the programming stages.”

“I think that’s incredible. I’m sure you’re capable of amazing things.”

The sincerity in her tone brought a smile to his face. For someone who didn’t know much about his project, the kind words from her were very nice.

“What about you?” Tadashi asked. “Are you a student?”

“Yeah, over at Sato Health Institute,” she responded. Sato was the top post secondary institution for health care in San Fransokyo located nearby - it even shared some programs with SFIT as Tadashi recalled. “I’m a pre-med student - if you hadn’t already guessed.”

“I might have had a feeling,” Tadashi said with a grin. “You seemed like you were familiar with things firsthand.”

The girl laughed. “Lots of firsthand experience, trust me.”

Approaching the help desk, the girl popped around to grab a paper and pen. Scrawling down information onto the page first, she then slid the paper over to Tadashi across the counter.

“Just fill out the rest of the form and the textbook should be arriving in the next three days.” 

Tadashi looked up from filling in the form, brown eyes flicking over to her name tag. “Thank you so much, (Y/N).”

“You’re welcome,” she replied. She took a sip from her coffee tumbler. Grabbing a sticky note, she offered it over to Tadashi. “If you’d like, leave your number and I’ll text you when it arrives - I’ll be working that day. I promise to use your number for professional reasons only.”

“I’d appreciate that,” Tadashi said as he wrote his number down. As he finished his form, he noticed a large medical terms textbook behind the counter on the desk next to the computer with a ton of sticky notes sticking out. “Is that yours?”

“That’s my current bible,” she affirmed with an amused tone. “Can’t survive without it.”

The two of them shared a laugh.

“Thanks again for your help.” Tadashi repeated as he returned the form.

“Just doing my job, don’t worry about it! It was great meeting you...” Her (E/C) eyes flickered down to the form and smile appeared on her face. “...Tadashi.”

As Tadashi left the bookstore, part of him was still lingering behind, thinking about (Y/N). She seemed like a nice girl and he really hoped that they might have another chance to encounter her again.

You fumbled with the door before pushing it open, popping back into the dark apartment. Hitting the light switch, you took off your shoes and checked for signs of your roommates.

Looks like Honey Lemon and GoGo were still out.

No surprise.

The three of you were always busy, whether the other two liked to admit it or not. 

Just as you were sorting things out in the kitchen and about to grab a snack, your phone buzzed.

Mina: OMG. Did you see Terry’s SNS profile update? 🤣🤣

(Y/N): What did he do this time? Do I want to know??

Mina: He put MD CANDIDATE. The AUDACITY of this man - I got a C+ working with partner project with him. My poor GPA... 😭

(Y/N): I mean...

Mina: DON’T

(Y/N): Cs get degrees 😂

Mina: RIP me. Seriously though, are you free to study for that bio test? 

(Y/N): let me grab my snack first, I’ll see you video chat

Mina: True MD candidate here

(Y/N): HA 

Letting out a sigh, you swiped a snack from the cupboard before heading back to your room. Fingers crossed you would get some sleep tonight.

“Oh, finally!”

Tadashi wiped his hands off with a rag and turned to look at Fred. Wasabi and GoGo were also looking at the beanie wearing boy, but neither of them decided to engage.

“Something up?” Tadashi asked, speaking up.

“The comic bookstore said they were out of that new series I was telling you guys about the other day,” Fred explained. “I refused to go to Richardson’s place, so apparently, they reached out to the nearby bookstore and they have a copy! I got to go pick it up.”

“The one near campus?”

“Yup.”

Tadashi paused, thinking for a moment before making his decision. 

“I’ll come with you.”

“Let’s go then, man!”

Catching up with Fred about the current condition of Baymax, the two soon arrived at the bookstore. Fred immediately beelined towards the help desk with Tadashi trailing behind him.

Just as Tadashi anticipated, a familiar face was working at the desk. This time though, (Y/N) was fairly concentrated on the stack of flashcards piled on her space next to textbooks filled with sticky notes.

“Uh, excuse me,” Fred said, practically bouncing on his toes.

That was enough to jolt her out of her studying. Shoving away her flashcards, she offered Fred a smile. “Yes?”

“I believe someone called about -”

“Oh! I know what you’re here for,” (Y/N) said, jumping up. She got up and skimmed over the bookshelf behind the counter. “Ah, here it is. Fred, right?”

At the sight of his new comic, Fred nodded happily. He quickly accepted it from you. “Is there a comic book section?”

(Y/N) nodded. “Just straight that way, it’s not a big collection, but you might find something.”

“Alright, thanks!” 

Fred turned to see Tadashi lingering around. “You coming, Tadashi?”

“There’s something I want to check out, I’ll catch up in a bit,” the black haired male responded.

As Fred disappeared, the girl turned her attention over to Tadashi. 

“I didn’t think I would see you again so soon,” she commented. “The book is not in yet, sorry.”

Tadashi smiled. “That’s fine. I see you’re here often.” 

“Yeah, when I’m not busy with classes or my other job, here I am.”

The words piqued your interest. “Other job?”

“I also work at a pharmacy,” (Y/N) explained.

“Ahh. You must be a busy person,” Tadashi said. He tilted his head towards your desk. “Studying too?”

She flushed. “Yeah. Only because today’s pretty quiet - my manager doesn’t mind as long as I’m work as I’m needed. There’s a test coming up.”

“Good luck, I think you need it.”

“I do. Thank you.”

Tadashi watched as (Y/N) moved back to sitting at the desk. As she picked up her flashcards, she looked up at Tadashi.

“How’s the healthcare robot going? Any progress in the last 24 hours?”

“Baymax finally had some supply come in for assembling,” he responded. “So, just a little bit.”

“Baymax?” she repeated confused. “Oh. Is that their name?”

Tadashi nodded.

“Baymax… I like it, sounds friendly.”

“I should probably let you get back to studying,” Tadashi commented, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry for bothering you.”

“Not at all, I’m happy to chat with you.”

- Wednesday. 6PM. -  

Honey: (Y/N)?

(Y/N): What’s up, Honey Lemon?

Honey: I heard the pre-med students plan on throwing a party this weekend? 

Honey: Are you going?

(Y/N): Nah, I think I have work.

GoGo: You always work.

(Y/N): Huh, I never noticed.

(Y/N): Anyways, parties are not my scene. I’d be happy spending a free evening at home instead.

GoGo: Mina says she’ll miss you.

(Y/N): She’ll have Justin, she’ll be okay

Honey: Well, if you ever decide to go, we know a boy you can take with you.

(Y/N): Thanks, but I’ll pass. 🥰

- Thursday. 5PM. -

Unknown: Hi Tadashi. The textbook you wanted finally came in! Feel free to drop by anytime to come pick it up.

Tadashi: Alright, thanks (Y/N)!

Unknown: Yep, no prob!

Tadashi: Hey, is this your personal number?

Unknown: yeah 😊

(Y/N) has been added to contacts.

Tadashi: Hope you don’t mind if I contact you like in the future. 😊

(Y/N): Oh, I wouldn’t mind at all!

“Tadashi, hi,” you greeted, waving as the boy came into your line of sight. With a baseball cap on his head today, you almost mistaken him for someone else. Pulling out the textbook, you handed it over to him. “Here you go! You weren’t the only one trying to get your hands on this textbook today.”

Tadashi peered at you curiously as he accepted the textbook. 

“You look tired,” he pointed out.

You just shrugged with a half smile. “The bio test was today - that was gruesome.”

“At least that’s done with,” he encouraged you. “Week’s almost over, too.”

“Best part is I’m off in five,” you agreed.

 You could see your words caught Tadashi’s interest. 

“Are... are you still working after?” 

Shaking your head, you leaned back against the counter. “Nope, told them I was busy today so no shifts at the pharmacy tonight.”

“Would you like to go out with me then?” Tadashi asked hopefully. “We can hit up a café and grab something to eat?”

Good thing you were leaning against the counter, because the surprise you felt would have toppled you over.

“Oh, um, sure!” you agreed, cheeks heating up a little. “I’ll meet you outside in five?”

“Sounds good.”

- Friday. 9AM. -

Tadashi: I enjoyed my time with you yesterday. 

(Y/N): I enjoyed my time too! Although the cookies there were kind of hard... 😢

Tadashi: Yeah... I find us somewhere with nice cookies next time.

(Y/N): Just a warning, next time might be a while. My schedule is usually full.

Tadashi: That’s fine!! If you ever find yourself with free time, let me know, I’d like to spend it with you.

(Y/N): 🥰

(Y/N): You’re too sweet, Tadashi. 

(Y/N): How are you single??

Tadashi: Haha, I could ask you the same thing. Probably the same reasons as you though. I’m usually too focused with what’s in front of me.

Tadashi: Hope to see you around though.

(Y/N): me too

- Some Tuesday. 8PM. -

“And your total is 18.95,” you said, pressing buttons on the register to confirm the amount. The customer tapped their card for the purchase before taking their bags. “I hope you feel better!”

“Thank you,” the customer responded as they left. 

You waited until they had gone completely before heading back to find your manager. Spotting one of older pharmacy students, you decided to talk to them instead.

“Hi,” you greeted.

“(Y/N), need any drugs?” Harper asked with a smile.

“I’ll take them all,” you joked. “Let Aria know I left if you see her for me?”

“Yeah, go. You’re free,” she ushered, waving you away.

As you pulled on your jacket and stepped out of the pharmacy, a figure caught you by surprise.

“Tadashi!” you exclaimed. 

“Surprised?” he asked. “Thought I’d walk you home, not safe for you to walk the street alone at night.”

“I do it frequent enough,” you countered with a smile.

“Ooh, risk taker,” Tadashi said.

You laughed. “I appreciate this though, thanks.”

Tadashi nodded. As the two of you were catching up each other on what happened throughout the day, you felt Tadashi slip his hand into yours. Fingers intertwined, you could feel your heart racing.

This was something you didn’t want to let go of.

- Some Monday. 2PM. -

GoGo: Yo, Tadashi

GoGo: Fred wants to know when you’ll be back with the snacks.

Tadashi: Just stepped back on campus. 

GoGo: Took you a while.

GoGo: You seeing someone behind our back?

Tadashi: Ha. Does Baymax count?

- A couple weeks later. Friday. 10AM. -

“Someone looks cute today,” Mina commented as you sat down next to her in the lecture hall. She eyed you up and down, nodding approvingly. “Not working today?”

“Yeah,” you replied. “My rare day off besides class. Thought I’d put a little more effort in today.”

“Well, you look adorable,” Mina confirmed. She let out a sigh when she saw the professor walk in. “Let’s see if we can survive these next two hours.”

“Challenge accepted,” you said, bumping her shoulder playfully. “Although, I might lose you halfway.”

Mina gasped and smacked your arm.

You laughed as you pulled your laptop. Although the two hours went by at a decent pace, you were glad the course was three quarters way through. 

At the brutal pace your professor went, there was nothing but review for the few weeks before final exams. It was nice to know you didn’t have to teach yourself an entire unit in a week before your final.

Bidding Mina goodbye, you weaved your way out of the lecture hall and out into campus. At this point, most groups of students you saw hanging around were study groups. You would have been like them too, if you hadn’t worked so hard to make things work.

Balancing two part time jobs along with classes had you putting in so much extra effort that it usually paid off in the long run.

Yay.

Navigating your way through the streets with the GPS app open on your phone, you soon spotted the campus you were looking for.

SFIT.

(Abbreviated, because thinking through what each letter stood for was too much effort.)

Slowly wandering around as you pulled up the campus directory, your eyes glimmered when you spotted the building you were looking for. Popping inside, you clutched onto your bag, peering around curiously. There was so much science happening in this space. 

Lots of creativity too, you wondered why their tradition was to prank the art school.

Poking around, you soon realized you were lost among the many rooms and labs. Your mission was a failure. Pouting, you pulled your phone.

(Y/N): Help me, I’m lost.

Tadashi: What do you mean?

(Y/N): I wandered into the lab building and was going to surprise you with a visit, but I don’t know where to find you. 🙁

(Y/N): I didn’t think this through...

Tadashi: Awwww

Tadashi: What room number do you see? I’ll find you.

(Y/N): Lab 2B

Tadashi: omw

As you awkwardly waited for Tadashi to show up, you tried not to look suspicious. Although admittedly, you were sure you looked suspicious regardless since you were lost.

“There you are,” the soft yet deep voice greeted from behind you.

Turning around to see Tadashi, you smiled. 

“Sorry for the trouble,” you apologized. 

“Not at all.” Tadashi shook his head. He took a moment to take you in. Within his eyes, you were absolutely beautiful. He didn’t want to mess up, so he kept it to himself. He’d voice his thoughts one day. “Welcome to Nerd Lab, by the way.”

So this was where Tadashi, your roommates, and their friends all spent their long hours working.

Tadashi took your hand. “Come on, I want to show you my lab.”

Following after Tadashi, the two of you entered the elevator behind arriving on the floor of his personal lab space. He opened a door, showing you his tidy space.

“Baymax won’t be in the works for a while, but here,” he pulled out several large blueprints. The image of an almost plush like character was found in the middle. “This is going to be Baymax.”

In awe of all the labelled details and planning in place, you looked up at Tadashi.

“This is incredible,” you breathed out. “You’re incredible too.”

Tadashi dipped his head down and captured your lips for a kiss. 

Before he had the opportunity to pull back too far, you went in and gave him a quick peck as well.

Although the two of you were flushed, the loving gaze you could see in Tadashi’s eyes made you feel hopeful about this relationship.

“Can I see the medical programming?” you asked, breaking the silence.

Tadashi shyly nodded. “All the computer.” 

- Later. -

(Y/N): Do you think we should let our friends know?

Tadashi: Nah, they’ll catch on eventually.

(Y/N): But if they don’t should I just accept their blind date request?

Tadashi: WHAT?

(Y/N): 😂

(Y/N): I asked for more details one time.

(Y/N): He’s this handsome robotics engineering student, who nice and has a good sense of humor. Apparently he’s very dedicated to his work too.

Tadashi: …

Tadashi: They’ve tried to set me up with their friend as well. 

(Y/N): Hmm, maybe we were meant to be after all

Tadashi: I think so. 😀

(Y/N): 😘

Aftermath

Masterlist

Fandom: Resident Evil/Biohazard

Pairing: Jill/Carlos

AU: Post-RE3 Carlos and Jill

Summary: Leaving Raccoon City behind, Jill and Carlos deal with the present and think about the future.

Requested by @stardustfalling​ I hope you enjoy as this is the first half of your request!

Jill didn’t know how long they were flying for, completely out of it as she stared out into the horizon blankly. The city she knew was gone, reduced to smouldering rubble, her home and life as she knew nought but ashes. She had no idea what she meant to do now, the only thing she was certain of was that Umbrella needed to pay for the lives they’ve ruined and snuffed out before their time. She wondered if those she had encountered that weren’t on the train had survived, like Kendo and his family.

Jill was bought out of her thoughts by hands covering on her own that were resting on her knees. She looked over, meeting Carlos’ eyes as he gave her a soft smile.

“Looks like this is our stop supercop, chopper’s out of gas.”

Jill nodded, too exhausted for words both emotionally and physically. Carlos hopped out of the aircraft first, holding out a hand to her to help her down, which in all honesty she was grateful for. She had taken a beating the past few days and it was finally catching up to her as the adrenaline filtered out of her system. It seemed they had landed in an empty field not far from a large town.

Carlos walked out into her field of vision, silhouetted by the midday sun as he put a hand on his hip and gestured to the town with his thumb, “It’s roughly midday so shops should be open, I’ll be able to get us some new clothes to change into and some medical supplies. You probably don’t have your wallet on you but I’m more than happy to foot the bill this time.”

Jill raised a brow, “This time?”

“We need to lay low for a while, let Umbrella forget about us. So once we’re all cleaned up we’re hitting the bank so you can get out as much money as you can.”

Oh. He was making plans… that included her.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Jill agreed.

“I would ask you to stay here for me but… I don’t think either of us will feel easy about being separated right now.”

Carlos wandered back over to the helicopter, shrugging off his assault rifle and undoing his vest. Leaving him in just his tshirt and cargo pants with a pistol strapped to his thigh. He looked distastefully at his sleeves, emblazoned with the Umbrella logo, making him reach up and rip them off.

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After an hour of waiting around for Carlos outside of shops as not to draw too much attention to themselves, they finally had what they needed. They just needed to find a place to stay. A shopkeeper had kindly told Carlos about a cheap hotel, not from the shopping district. So the duo headed that way, thanking every god that they could think of that the receptionist did bat an eye at Jill’s blood-covered appearance. They opted to share a room but with separate beds, feeling awkward about the idea of sharing a bed.

“I’ll shower first. I feel gross and I doubt I’m pleasant to be around.” Jill announced.

Carlos chuckled, “You don’t exactly smell like roses.” He dumped their shopping out onto a bed, sorting through it before tossing some clothes towards her, which she effortlessly caught. “I’ll fix you up when we’re both clean. Don’t want to touch open wounds with grubby hands.”

Jill grunted in response, heading straight to the bathroom, favouring getting clean over conversation. She situated the clean clothes on the towel rack before moving to the shower to turn it on, fiddling with the faucets to reach her desired temperature. God she couldn’t wait to get under the hot steaming water. The dried sewage and Nemesis blood making her skin crawl and itch as it cracked and flaked off of her as she moved.

She stripped off her filthy clothes, once again muttering about burning them in a dumpster because no amount of rinse cycles would remove the stains or stench. She stepped under the hot stream with a sigh, just standing under it basking in the heat as it relaxed her tense and aching muscles. Open wounds stang as the dirt that had caked them shut got washed away. More so when she reached for the hotel supplied body wash, scrubbing herself down rigorously like it could wash away the memories that were more than likely going to haunt her dreams.

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A full hour later, Jill finally left the bathroom cleaner than she had probably ever been in her life. The clothes Carlos had bought for her were loose-fitting sweats which she was very thankful for. The last thing she wanted to wear would be some sort of body-conforming ensemble that would rub up against and constrict her injuries. Especially after her brief self-assessment in the shower. It was more than likely she had a couple of broken ribs. Her ankles sprained.

Carlos took a significantly shorter amount of time in the bathroom than she did but then again, he didn’t have to trek through the sewers. He came out dressed in a matching set of sweats, probably having his own injuries he didn’t want to aggravate. His hair was slicked back out of his face, no doubt in Jill’s mind that if not its shaggy length while wet would have obscured his vision. It also revealed just how nasty of a black eye he had from his punch up with Nikolai which she hadn’t really noticed before. He went over to the bed that was silently agreed to be his, grabbing the medical supplies he purchased from a pharmacy.

He crouched down in front of her and started assessing her ankle, “We should get you patched up first. I don’t know how you managed to run around the city and fight that thing multiple times in this state.” He pushed up the pant leg to see how bad the bruising was and what he saw had him take in a sharp breath, “Jesus Christ, Jill, there’s nothing here that isn’t purple. Good thing I grabbed this arnica cream, should help the bruising go down… Although I think there won’t be enough for me.”

He was gentle in rubbing the cream onto the worst areas, even when he wrapped it in gauze to help support her ankle. From there he went into a pattern, reveal a new bruised canvas and lather it in cream, find a cut: disinfect and cover it. Some wounds required paper stitches to help encourage them to close. The wound from where she was infected would need actual stitches but the pharmacy didn’t have the items necessary for that. Jill tried to stop herself from blushing as she pulled up her sweater to just under her breasts, but her ribs couldn’t be ignored and self-consciousness would get her nowhere.

Carlos applied a gentle pressure as he surveyed the damage making Jill hiss. “Shit, yeah they’re definitely broken. But unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do. They can’t be splinted and binding them would make them worse. All I can offer you for this is an ice pack.”

Jill sighed, dropping the material, “Just my luck. But that can wait for now.”

Carlos nodded, understanding her unsaid order, stripping off his sweater so she could get a good look at his injuries. Multiple fist-sized bruises littered his upper body, a few scrapes and cuts on his arms. All in all not too bad… except for the gunshot wound in his shoulder. Jill felt guilt settle in her stomach. She did that to him. And the faded scars from stab wounds and other gunshots told her she wasn’t the first to injure him in such a manner. Probably a hazard of the job much like how it was for S.T.A.R.S. She flinched as he grunted when she disinfected the wound, muttering apologises as she did so. She was drawn out of it by Carlos placing a hand on her shoulder, looking her in the eyes, sincerity warming his chocolate coloured ones.

“Don’t blame yourself. I told you to take the shot.”

“It could have been so much worse if I had missed.”

“But you didn’t and I trusted you not to.”

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Carlos was already awake when he heard Jill tossing and turning in her sleep. They were both exhausted and had decided to call it a day early. It would be a lie to say Carlos wasn’t concerned for her. In fact, it would also be an understatement to say he was only concerned. After spending half a day searching for her and finding her on the ground, his first thought was that she had died and he had lost her. Of course, he was proven wrong when he approached her, relieved to find she was comatosed. Which didn’t last long with the realisation that she was infected. Carlos had never been through such a flurry of emotion in such a short space of time. But it did bring to light that he didn’t want to be away from her side. So sleep did not come easy to him, visions of her laying there bloodied on the ground swimming in his head.

He couldn’t begin to imagine what she must be seeing in those nightmares of hers, because there was no doubt that after that hell that dreams would be a thing of the past for a while. With a groan, Carlos pushed himself up and off his bed, approaching the distraught woman as she sat bolt upright panting.

“Easy there, supercop, I’m here.” He reassured, seating himself next to her and took one of her hands in his, thumb rubbing the back of it soothingly.

“I’m sorry-”

“It’s fine, I couldn’t sleep anyway.” Carlos chuckled dryly, “Was too concerned that if I closed my eyes and opened them again you’d be gone.”

Jill was quiet for a moment, considering his words before she spoke up, “Want to push the beds together?”

Carlos blinked at her, “Uuuh… Jill as much as I think that you’re one hell of a woman, I doubt you or I are in a fit state to-”

Jill covered his mouth with her palm, awkward laughter bubbling out of her, “That’s not what I meant. It’s just sometimes sleeping next to someone helps, you know?”

Carlos nodded, “Yeah I get you… Would you like to get dinner together tomorrow?” Jill looked visibly confused as Carlos became flustered at her unwavering stare. “I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re one hell of a woman. And I uh… there’s no pressure but uh… since I’m the only one out of the two of us that has a place to actually live once we leave this place… I was thinking it might be best if you crash at my place until you sort something out…” He trailed off, avoiding her eyes the more unsure in himself he became.

Jill got off the bed and Carlos felt his stomach drop. Shit.

“Come on let’s push these beds together, we can talk more about it once we’ve rested up.”

Begrudgingly Carlos got up and helped close the gaps between the two beds. Once done they settled into the centre of the unified bed. Carlos was pleasantly surprised to find Jill shuffling back into him while led on the side without broken ribs and grabbed one of his arms to drape over her stomach, interlocking her fingers with his. This effectively led to them spooning.

“I think I’ll feel safer like this.” She whispered, glad he couldn’t see the red colouring her cheeks.

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A/N:  A lot of the injuries Jill is described as having here I have kinda experienced first hand including the broken ribs and entirely fucked ankles. And let me tell you, injuries like that UNTREATED really fuck with your sex life. My ribs are still hurty nearly 20 years later. If only I had someone as gentle as Carlos ㅠㅠ Also I suffer from chronic pain and had a particularly bad time with it today and had a random ass anxiety attack on top of that.

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Between two Voids ch 16

Pennywise x Beverly

summery:  It has been 12 years since Beverly was last in Derry. now 26 years old and returning with her boyfriend she strives for a life of normalcy in the small town. Unaware that a certain stalking creature has awakened much earlier than expected. Looking for a challenge to cure its boredom ,in the now crumbling town, IT aims to uproot her life as much as possible. Yet, is that really such a bad thing given her dark situation hidden from all but the eyes of a world eater? 

status: complete

rated: M - fowl language and gore

prev chap: Between two Voids ch 15

next chap: Between two Voids ch 17

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~ch:16 The parting ~

“we're leaving Derry.”

“we're leaving Derry.”

“we're leaving Derry.”

one week. one week ago Erik gave her the news that cut her off from everything. She was stuck with Erik, indoors, doing chores like before. Having been unable to see Pennywise since that night a while ago. That night flashed by so fast, yet it repeated so often in her head as if she was still there. Driving them back to the apartment on the dark forest road way.

“yeah, this town has so much freaky shit going down. Me'n the guys decided that it was besh to head back to York. We got a- a- big farm-pharmacy here, but we had more customers in the city.” Erik explained on the way back. Slurring words here and there. “ya happy babe?” smiling at Beverly

“yeah.” remembering the sunken hollow feeling she felt at that moment.

“yeah.” mumbling the answer to herself.

“yeah, what?” Erik voice broke her from the past thought.

“yeah, to a work list I thought of.” making something up on the spot. Her gaze turned toward the ground to avoid Eriks judging one.

“you've been acting super weird for the past few days. Are you sick or something?”

“maybe. Cold weather must be hitting me.” honestly feeling a little truth in her sentence. All the worrying that had built up was weighing on her heavily.

She had decided to leave Derry with Erik, that part was settled. He had been acting nicer to her since she started making money for him. He was only mean because of all the stress he was under. Like she always said it was.

But What was she to do about Pennywise? She would surely have to tell him she was leaving … with Erik. Or would she? She could hide indoors up to the big moving day then leave without even saying goodbye.

“maybe it's best that way.” the knot in her stomach feeling worse at the thought.

Snapping from her thoughts again by Erik speaking. “I'll snag some cold medicine at the store then. Pack some more stuff in the meantime. The longer we stay here keeping low the more money we lose before moving day.” he half mumbled with a swipe of the apartment keys off the counter. The morning after that one night Erik had been shaken by the “police” encounter. Telling everybody to lay low, stop selling the drugs. Save the money up to move everything for the long haul to new York.

Beverley couldn't manage to give an answer as he left. Staring toward the door Erik went through for her gaze to slowly turn around the half empty apartment. All the important things sealed away in moving boxes.

“I'll start packing then. … Gets my mind free of this annoyance for a while.” mumbling to herself over that remaining heated feeling. It had been sticking with her for too long now. When she was with Pennywise in the car she assumed it was him being overly warm while inside. Currently she could only assume that it wasn't really any heat. “has to be agitation from rough play. That whole 30 minutes disappeared in that car. Half the bites on my neck I don't even remember getting. If I didn't feel those I must not have felt any other pain.” hand feeling over the mass rings of dipping scars. Following them up around to the bigger scarred bite over her shoulder. Bringing her hand down to tap the counter a couple times. Breathing in for the energy to go start packing.

Far off under the abandoned Neibolt house Pennywise was resting in the nest he had recently worked on again. Since that one night he had been acting differently.

He had not been on a hunt for days. His time split between waiting outside for Beverly or inside around the fading scent of Beverly in the nest. In some way of distracting himself he fixed up the nest a lot more. Creating more walls to form multiple round rooms. Doing his best attempt at decorating by hanging up some of the prettier blankets. Making wall curtains in a simple way. Thinking in the back of his mind that with the place being more organized it would attract Beverly to stay.

He wasn't the only one to see his new behavior as odd. It scared Henry into moving out to his own place. Mentioning that seeing the other stand around, blankly staring, zoned out for hours was too concerning to be around.

Despite the work he put into the newly decorated nest he wasn't happy with it. It didn't seem good enough, he never felt this way before, he used to be confident on everything. What could be causing this change in him?

“no chance to even show it off. She hasn't left that house. The male must be locking her indoors again. Keeping her separated from me, but he can't do that forever. I can still see her when ever I want. … but she told me not to. She doesn't like it when I enter the apartment.” laying there across the blankets talking to himself. Waiting for her was no longer working. this ache in his chest ever burning furiously while Beverly was away from him. Constantly urging him to get closer, to see her, speak with her, touch her. Swallowing down his drool right as it started dripping from his jaws.

“maybe that pathetic male did something to her.” swallowing at the idea. “go in to check on her. … she cant get angry at that.” readying to rush up to the surface into her apartment. Stopping at the image of Beverly shouting at him that he broke the rules given. When he visited the outside of her apartment earlier he could smell her scent escaping the front door. Lovely violets without any lingering scent of old blood like usual. She had to be okay with the lack of blood in the air.

“Seems she won't be going anywhere today. I could try to fix up the nest a little more.” Thinking to himself while rising to stand. “What more can i do? When she comes out i could set up another food display. She was not much interest in the last display of food. She barely ate any of it, but even humans made fancy food displays. I must have done it wrong. I can make a better one in fancy lighting like what those other humans do.”

“...why am i working so hard for her? … I don't work for anything. What is this infection doing to me!” Roaring up at the nest ceiling. “ … Infatuation…” He growled out the word Beverly once said. Mulling over the words meaning. A minor interest over someone that would die. Except it wasn't dying, so what was the more serious version? “... Love?... I don't- love. … I destroy, i eat, i paralyze others in fear!”

“Love is just a human thing. Something passed from that damned turtle. He always blabbed on about it!” Clawing into the blankets he laid across. At the sound of tearing fabric he calmed himself. Followed by a mild panic at messing up the nest he speedily worked to fix.

“what am i doing? … Love … Is that all it is? Can i get rid of it? … I could if Bev-” his body reacting horribly to the thought of her dying. Same as the thought of her ever leaving. He wanted to have her and not as just a cure for boredom. “is this what love is? This un-killable thing giving urges to protect. To exist for something else? How compromising to a creatures own survival.

Ridiculous this thing, why does it exist?

Hm, it did keep Beverly alive. It was not pack mentality that spared Beverly all those years ago. The good of the group would have been to abandon her or leave bill to my hunger.

If I cannot get rid of it I will have to accept it.” not being fond of accepting something the turtle preached so much about. However, it meant a closer bond with Beverly that warmed his chest.

Where to start on this new plunge into love? First he had to confess it to himself.

“ … do i? Is this feeling true?” fear giving hesitation. “ … I love her.” A comforting warmth off of the confession calming him

“… Yes, i do.” repeating the warmth giving admittance. To him that was a bigger obstacle then it really was. An even bigger one coming forward he needed to face. Confessing to Beverly how he felt. It had to be perfect same as everything else.

“ humans did those confessions on the fancy meal presentations.” Combining two ideas. It needed to be timed perfectly to when she left the house. Not very good to present day old food if he set the presentation before the proper time.

“ i have to talk her into slipping away. I’ll have to break the rules …” Knowing he had to speak with her. That male was keeping her away making it impossible for them a chance at meeting.

“ I'll go in the night while hes sleeping. She’ll be free to talk inside without needing to leave immediately. She’ll think of a way to sneak out from under him.” Thinking excitedly over his plan, especially the fact he was going to see her again.

“What to get?” Switching to how he was to form his special presentation. “The warehouses could have all the things i need.” Standing to his feet on a quest for various items.

Back in the apartment Beverly looked over things in various boxes lined up on the counter. She tried to ignore the heated warmth inside her, but it was becoming too much after suffering so long.

“why can't this damn agitation just leave already?! It's been a week and should have gotten at least a little better by now!” tapping the counter rapidly. “this is ridiculous. The bathroom better have something to medicate this.” walking down the hall into the small room. Searching through the few cabinets for anything useful. Coming across a couple bottles of headache pills, but nothing more. “what did he even do to me?” questioning again what happened that night. “... it was different. First time he used his real parts. Heh, I say that as if the rest were simply toys … oh.” closing her eyes to the conclusion her brain connected with.

why the night was different and why she had this remaining warmth in her core. The parts he used in the past weren't real. So in a way they were toys up until now. His blood defied gravity, wouldn't be surprising to her if other certain body fluids did the same. His real parts were definitely working at the end of that round.

“taking a hot bath will make it easier to clean out.” starting up a hot bath. “god, can't believe I didn't think of it earlier. I guess its because it never happened before.” Gathering fresh clothes in a pile on top of a few towels. Ready to begin her hot bath after setting everything off to the side when ready to leave.

“As if things weren't going weird enough” thinking of how she was to do this. Spending a good chunk of the day working to clean herself. Discovering the little interesting fact that the warm fluid was a bright blue color. Admiring the bright color in the short time it stayed in existence out of her body. Evaporating away in the hot water she soaked under.

Meanwhile Pennywise spent well over the day decorating the presentation. Setting up furniture, lights, how the food would look when he got that. “There, now to set up the … day- gathering- meeting- … Daaaate?” Flipping through the human vocab of what the proper word was. “What time is it? Is it still today?” Going up to the surface after long having lost track of time.

“The night has come. Time to take my chance.” Looking up from the road drain toward the starry sky. Crawling up onto the road to cross the cold snowy tar. Approaching the door he caught the scent of the other rats lingering. Gritting his sharp teeth together at the discovery. He had to be even more cautious about this meeting.

Twisting his body down to walk easier on all fours in front of the door. Giving the large hardwood entrance a small push. A satisfying click of it unlocking into a slow creek open to him. low to the ground, hidden by darkness, he stalked across the living room.

Peeking around the large couch in spying on the rats sprawled about the place. All sleeping on the many couches surrounded by empty beer bottles. A small smile stretching on his face at the sight, however Keeping his stalking steps quiet. Approaching the bedroom quieter than anything. A mild fear of being discovered too early buzzing the back of his skull.

Giving a small push upon that door was met with the same results. Opening enough for him to slip his body in. Cracking small amounts of his limbs to stand up straight. the door behind him closing on the short click of the knob.

Walking up to Beverly's bed in large smooth strides. The golden glow of his eyes glaring toward the sleeping form of Erik Softening to look over Beverly sleeping on her own bed. Her separated from Erik tempted him to pull another trick right under the males nose.

Beverly was asleep in her bed when her body felt something was off. She remaining laying with eyes shut in pretend rest. Listening for any strange noises. “Probably just trey stumbling to the bathroom.” Remembering everyone was sleeping in the living room after another drinking party.

Tensing up at a weight moving over her. Opening her eyes expecting it to be Erik wanting to have fun. at the sight of Eriks form still in his bed she jolted up about to scream. Stopped by a hand covering her mouth. Shutting her eyes out of fear when who ever pushed her back down in such little effort.

“Beverly.” She opened her eyes to Pennywise hovering over her. He removed his soft gloved hand from her when she saw it was only him.

“What are you doing here?!” Whispering to him as she gave a quick glance toward Erik Checking to be sure he was unaware of another person suddenly in his room.

“I came to see you.” Replying in a soft voice. Remaining crouched over her laying form. Moving back a bit when she sat up.

“You can't be here! You’re not allowed!” Reminding him.

His voice turning even softer this time at being scolded. “I wanted to see you. You stopped visiting.” A twinge hitting Beverly's heart seeing him so sad or maybe it was just her feeling guilt. She could have honestly visited him at any time. Erik was more tolerant of her going out for a few minutes. As long as it was for a task such as buying beer.

Beverly sat in silence thinking to herself on if “does he know? Did he over hear Erik talking about the move?” Swallowing a nervous lump in her throat.

“I-i haven't been able to.” Working to look as honest as possible to keep him from catching her lies. “You shouldn't be here.” Turning the conversation away from why she didn't visit.

“I want to talk to you.” Unintentionally making her more anxious.

“Pen, this isn't a good place to talk. I - … I'll visit later. Okay?” Hoping it would satisfy him enough to leave soon.

“Can it be tomorrow? At the nest?” Asking as soon as the words left her mouth.

“Umm, Yeah, I'll visit afternoon. Okay?” her voice almost mumbling. Swallowing thickly at him staring down at her. “Does he think i am lying?” She wondered under his unblinking stare.

“May i rest with you?”

“Rest- rest here?! With Erik only 5 feet away?!” Exclaiming the first words before correcting her volume.

“Yes. He hasn't woken yet. I'll leave before he does, i promise.” He sounded so passive to her. Maybe even somewhat worried about her rejecting the idea.

“Why?” She thought. He never was this careful on asking to stay before. She should tell him to go and yet she really wanted him to stay. It felt nice that he visited even after being told not to. “One last night hanging out together before the news couldn't be too bad, right?”

“... Okay, but don't do anything else. Sleep only.” Making sure he heard her clear. Adjusting herself to lay back down she waited for him to do the same. Covering them both in a thin blanket that normally didn't keep the cold away. Having him under the covers laying over her feeling much more cozy.

It wasn't only his warmth comforting her. His mere presence swept her anxieties away. Ones she didn't even think would ever go away. She always felt the same every night a anxious tenseness. Ready for something to happen if she tried to sleep. She always took is as normal since that's how her childhood went expanding into her adult life. This tenseness, prepared to run, ready to fight when ever going to sleep. Fearing that when the sleep was disturbed she would have to fight. The feeling momentarily hidden away in sleep.

Shifting her arms out from under the covers she hugged around his neck. Burying her face into him in another way to be closer. His arms shifting to hug around her. Moving his face besides hers to block her vision of Erik. His chest burning the painful ache away while he rested with her. He never wanted to leave this moment.

Time seeming to pass almost instantly while he enjoyed the time. Sadly watching the curtains brighten under the morning sunlight. He would have to leave soon before Erik would wake.

Startled by the sudden loud noise of an alarm clock. Growling at the inanimate object for disturbing his peace. Shifted back by Beverly pressing him away with one hand as the other lunged out to beat it into silence. Taking deeps breaths to calm herself after another glance toward Erik confirming he was still asleep. Resting back down for a moment to rub her face of the last bit of exhaustion upon waking.

Thinking it was time for him to go he rose up. Ready to move off of her when Beverly stopped him.

Taking a hold of his arm. “Wait, come on.” pulling for him to follow. Without a word he did as was told. Sneaking along with her to the hallway door. Standing by as she carefully peeked out for anyone looking their way.

“Come on.” Gesturing him to follow further with a quiet walk to the bathroom. He stopped outside the door. Seeing him do so she gestured for him to come in.

“You want me to enter the bathroom?” Questioning if that's what she wanted. He knew how important that space was to her. How she never wanted him to enter it, that was one of the other rules he shouldn't break.

“Yes! Come on!” Gesturing to him again in a more urgent manor. “Before someone sees!”

Hearing that he slipped into the bathroom. Carefully standing by while Beverly locked the door. walking back around him to start a shower. Rushing to strip herself in front of him.

“Take your clothes off and jump into the shower!” Rushing her words out as well.

“Why? Despite living under the earth i promise you i stay clean.” Continuing to enjoy her disrobing.

“It's not for that!” Laughing about what he said. “You can stay longer if we hide in the shower a little while.” Starting to strip him.

“Can we do more then hide?” Stripping himself the rest of the way with a snap of his collar.

“no, we need to stay really quiet.” Chuckling as she lightly tugged him into the shower. Standing next to him under the falling water. Holding in more laughter at seeing him standing over the high faucet.

“Maybe a bath would be better?” Asking up to him. Switching the water flow for a bath to be made. Directing him in how to lay down in the tub. Laying herself down on top, her back against his chest. Most of him still not under water, but still the better option.

Relaxing back into him for a time enjoying the moment. It possibly being one of the last few moments with him. Wondering what he wanted to meet about later“I bet it's to convince me to visit more. Planning another bet to snag me when i say i can't.” Thinking of what the topic could be. “How should i tell him? … Could i even go through with it?” Questioning herself in thought.

Freezing up by hearing the not too far bedroom door open.

“Shit, i didn't make his breakfast.” Mumbling out the thought on accident. Jumping at Erik banging on the door. Needing to quickly hush Pennywise from his defensive growling.

“What are you doing in there?” Erik shouted from outside the door. although not sounding mad, yet.

“Bathing.” Answering barely above a whisper.

“Get out! I need to get in!” He snapped outside the door.

“Okay.” Passively answering his command.

“Time to split.” Whispering to the large male she was bathing with.

“See you later then, darling.” He spoke slowly as he watched her leave the bath. Disappearing before she could glare at him for the nickname, as usual.

“Our talk about that is not going to happen. Should we even talk later? If i pack fast enough and convince Erik to leave today i wouldn't have to.” Swallowing over the developing sickness in her stomach.

After getting dried, with a fresh set of clothes, she went right up to Erik “Honey, if i get everything packed today, can we leave today?” Using the little courage she managed to muster up in speaking.

“Depends on how late you finish. I aint driving anywhere when it gets dark. Be my fuckin luck we run into the one moose roaming around this damned place.” He answered. Still sounding half asleep while drinking a canned beer.

“ I'll get it done by afternoon. Can we leave after?”

“Yeah fine, get it done. I am taking a shower. Make sure you get my breakfast ready too. Same with lunch, i won't be driving while starved either.” Grumbling on his way to the bathroom.

“Yes, honey.” Speaking happily as a weight lifted off her. Bolting off to make Eriks food. Not taking time to make herself something so she could get straight to packing.

Doing so carefully around Erik to not bother him. Using the duct tape as quiet as possible. Trying not to let the bubble wrap crinkle too much. Erik didn't like all the noise she was making, but didn't bother with her. She was indeed making the time to have everything packed so he had no complaints.

Making her last rush around the apartment for anything left behind. Double checking before telling Erik she was finished. Only leaving the bigger furniture pieces unable to be packed.

“Okay.” He mumbled the reply while texting on his flip phone. Seeing his disinterest she worried about him having changed his mind.

“Are-are we leaving soon?” Anxiously asking.

“Yeah, me and the guys have to finish up some things. We’ll snag a truck afterwards.” He half mumbled, still texting.

“ will we be able to leave by afternoon?” Asking for a more specific answer. Treading carefully to not agitate him on all the questions.

“Eh, maybe somewhere around afternoon-ish. Like 3:00 or something.” The time given was a punch to the gut for Beverly All this work yet she still had to face the clown in a few minutes.

She would have to go or risk him hunting her down to talk again. She really didn't want to break the news while Erik was so close.

“E-Erik can i go out?” Immediately she was given a suspicious look from him.

“Why?!” He demanded to know.

“Get more food. For the trip, it's a long way to new York. … Only 10 minutes to the shop and back.” Working to reassure him she wouldn't be long.

“ … Only 10 minutes.” Glaring with a head tilting gesture for her to go. She nodded to him before rushing out the door. Heading for the river pipe to head towards the clowns nest.

Still questioning herself on what to say. How he was going to react to the news. What if he didn't take her seriously? What if he tried getting her into some lifetime bet. Could she refuse one … would she refuse one?

“No, i have to. If i outright tell him i am serious he’ll get angry. He’ll storm off to ignore me. Then i can leave, without trouble, out of Derry.” Thinking it over. Following some loose script of what to say for the big news. What to say to his reactions in the aftermath.

She went down river, through the drainage tunnels,surprised half way by Pennywise happily greeting her.

“you made it here! Follow me, i have a surprise!” Excitedly announcing to her before she could really talk.

“Pen i-” was all she managed to get out as he encouraged her deeper into his large den. Staying quiet for the time being so that he could show whatever he had.

“i don't want gifts.” she reminded him. He made a surprise that had to be some sort of a gift. It didn't matter what it would turn out to be she would still reject it.

“it's not a gift, you'll see.” directing her up to a doorway at the back of the orange lit wagon. The usually opened siding was shut, another noticeable detail was the nest opening being gone. Closed off by more layers of webbing hiding the space away.

With a small creek he opened the backstage door for her. Revealing the new nest opening of it being attached to the other open doorway of the wagons front.

“I made the front different. To make it easier for you to come and go without my help.” He explained, gesturing her to continue deeper.

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves she walked onward. “I have a feeling this won't be ending well. At least there's an open escape path.” Thinking as they walked. Further into the nest Beverly could see a bright blue glow lighting up the new tunnels. Turning a corner had her seeing blue Christmas lights lighting along the tunnels ceiling.

“Lights? Is this what you wanted to show me.” Looking around had her seeing much more decorating then before. Nice blankets carefully arranged along the walls. Random shiny ornaments embedded into the wall webbing. Beverly wondered where it all came from as Christmas was still a little over a month away.

“There's more, keep going.” Gently moving her forward.

Beverly's worrying worsening from that. “More?! What more could there be?!” Questioning in thought. Her questions all answered at their arrival at the nests core. More Christmas lights strung around a nicely crafted wooden table. Laid across it was a large feast resembling one thanksgiving dinner off a magazine cover down to the fake holly berry branches scattered around.

Massive roasted turkey on a wooden carving board. Big various bowls of different vegetables. Mashed potatoes, stuffing, a few different pies and a silver gravy boat filled to the brim.

She was left standing there stunned over it. It wasn't like the last buffet he made at the hotel. Confused as to why he put in all his effort into this. To show off or simply more gifts to win her over with?

“Do you like it?” Eagerly asking for an answer.

“I uh, it's great, but i can't stay to eat.” Answering in an awkward mumble. Turning to face him to give him the news.

“... I am going to be leaving Derry today … With Erik. I came to say goodbye.”

Pausing at his serious expression holding unblinking eyes intently staring down on her.

Anxiously swallowing a lump in her throat. “i should leave.” Hesitating on what else she should say. When she was about to speak he ended up saying something first. Something catching Beverly completely off guard.

“I love you.” He quickly stated. The sudden confession causing her to laugh.

“What? Don't say that.” Chuckling awkwardly. At first she thought he was only repeating sayings out of whatever holiday magazine he read.

“Why not? Did i do something wrong? Is the food arranged wrong? Am i supposed to wait for a time? I can do it again to make it perfect.” Anxiously asking her. His reaction having this feel less of a attempt to just make her stay to something more serious.

“No, we’ve been over this. We can't-”

“Why?! I love you!”

“Stop saying that!” She snapped. “You can't!”

“But i do! I love you! Please don't leave!” He painfully spoke.

“You’re not allowed to say that! Stop saying it!” Glaring up at him. Needing to turn away momentarily to stop the rising tears.

“What did i do wrong?” His voice asking so delicately yet it felt like a knife in Beverly's chest.

“ a lot of things that can't be forgiven. You tried to kill me, the guys, … What happened with bills brother Georgie. All the countless other kids over how many centuries. … That doesn't go away. … ...You’re not human, it wont work. ...

I don't ever want to see you again.” Managing to get the last sentence out before the tears fell.

This wasn't how it was suppose to go. He wasn't supposed to be sad and her angry. “i have to go.” Ending their meeting with her leave. Pennywise making no attempts to stop her. Watching her leave his sight for the last time without a word said.

“Was i too late? What went wrong?” Asking himself. Looking over the display he took hours to make as perfect as possible. “She's leaving with that male.” Despair filled him the most over that knowledge. Claws threatening to shred through his gloves at the imagery of her stuck under that male. “ i can't let that happen. She doesn't have to be with me, but I won't let him keep her trapped any longer! I’ll need to work fast before she can leave.” Pulling himself together for more work to be done.

Beverly had run the entire way to the store. Catching up the time she was suppose to have lost getting here in the first place. Hiding in a back corner near some loud produce fridges to drown her low crying. Wiping away the flowing tears as fast as they came.

“Why am i crying? Who am i so angry at?” Wiping away more tears with her sleeve at the thought. “Am i mad at myself for doing that? Should i have stayed? He was so sad, i didn't think he could get like that.” His confusion hitting her the hardest. How was she supposed to reject him? Tell him he was a horrible monster for what he did in the past. That despite all he did he deserved to be alone.

“Fuck, stop crying.” Scolding herself. She had to buy stuff to rush back to Erik with. Grabbing chips, candy, and sodas randomly to get the store trip over with.

Rushing back fast enough to make it “on time”. Fixing herself up one last time before entering.

“Erik? I am back.” She announced from the kitchen. Having not seen Eriks presence anywhere.

“He said he was doing last minute stuff with the guys.” Brushing off him not being around. Stopping when she saw a note on the apartment fridge.

“Needed to help talk the guys with the truck dealers on a sale. Meet us at the dealers, babe, so you can drive back one one of the trucks we’ll be getting.” Signed by Erik with a sloppily written address below. After taking a few minutes deciphering it she walked the way there.

Not liking the look of the rundown shopping area. Lined with closed shops or rundown ones full of sketchy groups loitering by the doors. Cautiously watching her surroundings as she was becoming the popular thing to stare at.

Letting out a deep breath when spotting the truck dealership up ahead. Spotting Erik yelling with everybody else toward the 3 truck dealers who looked unintimidated by Eriks loud group. Seeing Beverly, Erik rushed over to her.

“Here's the keys to one truck! Hurry and drive it outta here! We tricked some rookie sap into giving us 3 trucks for the price of one, but the owners are catching on to the error.” Explaining quickly as he put keys into Beverly's hand. Shoving her out of view before the truckers spotted her.

Beverly rolled her eyes walking around the back of the building. Looking at the key number to match with the correct numbered truck. Stepping over massive potholes taking over the large lot. Happy to be driving out of this sketchy part of town.

“10, 11, 12, 13 -” she counted out. Giving too much attention to the trucks to notice a strange man following her around the trucks. Weaving around the vehicles with looks around for any others who would interfere with what he was about to do.

Surprising her was a pair of arms grabbing a hold of her. the strange man covering her mouth as he dragged her fighting between two large trucks.

The Anatomy of Melancholy, 40

Table of Contents. Second Instar, Chapter 7. Go to previous. Go to next. These tears are shaken from the wrath-bearing tree. That’s... not an old fashioned, is it, Liv?

____________________________________

The dark walls, pale carpeting, and little furnishings of the general’s office belied the actual dimensions of the somewhat small space. At her ebony dry bar, General Francis poured the two of them each an old fashioned, with dried rind curls 'Choly imagined were mutfruit. The ghoul placed one in ‘Choly’s gracious hands where he sat, and took hers to her leather office chair opposite the desk. She took a sip and slicked at her side-shaven asymmetrical blonde french twist with a tense sigh.

“Call me Olivia. Please. I hate the rank and pomp of being the last breathing wretch on base. Ghoul or not, I’m still a person, you know?”

‘Choly nearly murmured a whooped and then some. His tongue sneaked against the back of his teeth behind a faint smile. He lingered in the numbness of an iced drink in his palms, and stared into the handcrafted cocktail a little too long before remembering it was for drinking.

“Olivia, it’s... really been just you here for all... or most of this time?” He held the short glass to his cheek, eyes glazing out of focus. “--Gosh, ice. You’ve got a working ice machine.”

“Imagine if you’ve been milling around for a few months now, you’ve come to appreciate most prewar commodities as current day luxuries.” Olivia downed about a third of her drink before setting it down to lace her leathery hands on the desk. “It’s been just me and the robotics fleets for a very long time, yes. I’ve whiled the decades doing maintenance on them all. I consider them a sense of found family. They keep plugging alongside me, and they keep me plugging.”

She drew a cigarette from the silver case on the desktop, and lit it with a gold flip lighter. After taking a deliberate puff, she offered up both with a genial gaze. Not to shy from her hospitality, he nodded and followed suit. A long exhale melted him into a comforted disillusionment.

“It really has been a jarring adjustment. Especially not having soap every day. Menthols and muddled cognac on the rocks. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to coax me into a tough patch.”

“You’ll find a great deal of the amenities on base have been repaired and maintained.” A grin pulled her thin lips across her teeth and she sat back, sustaining eye contact. “Deenwood in every way has kept me busy.”

“And the Rust Devils?” he asked over his sipping. His attentive oily eyes skimmed her wasting features, to skirt the acknowledgement she hadn’t dismissed his supposition. “They’re keeping you even busier?”

“Don’t tell me they’ve expanded operations outside Lowell,” she growled, suddenly furious. “I’ve lost twelve robots to them just this year. Bastards took to the RobCo Towers. It’s a wonder I’ve managed to stay as ahead of them as I have been, further encrypting the Sentry Bots and Assaultrons especially. And the front doors, of course.” When he watched her expectantly, she snorted through another slug of her cocktail. “RobCo Towers was the company’s home base for Pip-Boy development and manufacture.”

“Encrypted the... front doors?” He frowned thoughtfully, somewhat distant. “Aside from confrontation with a Mister Gutsy, I didn’t have any trouble getting on premises.”

“Your bars have RFID encryption technology in them.” With a sneer, she pointed her smoke hand at his Pharm Corps coat. “The system’s biometric scanners have a two-factor screening process. You were smart enough, to turn up in enough of your uniform, to look the part of an officer--and lucky enough, to still be human enough, for the system to be able to match your genetic scan. Honestly, when I heard an officer had made it on base, I thought the Rust Devils might have figured out a way to sheepskin their way in here.”

“I guess it is a bit of luck, that my service uniform survived all this time. It’s one of the few belongings I still have. I don’t recognize the flavor of these bitters, but damn if this isn’t smooth cognac.”

Olivia topped off his glass with more cognac from the decanter on her desk, which he accepted greedily.

“The licorice, or the mint? It’s some East Central Commonwealth label. I like it well enough. These days, you tend to take what you can get your hands on. The cognac, though. That’s my favorite.” She shrugged in the direction of her liquor cabinetry, uninvested in getting up to scrutinize the exact identity of the liqueur. “Don’t discount, either, that you still have your Handy. A lot of my maintenance on Deenwood’s robots hasn’t just been to keep them running. It’s so they can continue defending themselves, and stay out of raider hands. To this day I haven’t determined a more effective approach than to be proactive. They just keep trying.”

Angel had stayed out in the hall to chat with robots it hadn’t seen in two hundred years.

“I wouldn’t be alive right now, if Angel weren’t with me. I know that much.” ‘Choly picked the desiccated rind curl out of his drink and chewed at it. “I’ve had my run-in already with raiders myself. I’ve half a mind to think Lexington’s still on fire because of me. Ha!”

Her dark eyes wilded, more punch-drunk from delivery than she was from the spirits.

“You can’t just drop that on me and leave it.”

His sheepishness poorly contained how oddly tickled he felt then by such a traumatic experience. Unmistakably, the physical condition of his company had everything to do with his craving to impress.

“After I came out of the vault outside Concord, I holed up in the Walden Drugs in Lexington. I got along with the raiders in the Corvega factory for a few months. They... pushed me around, and I... I.” A self-conscious grin tugged at him, unable to tell if the modus operandi were appropriate to divulge. He noticed he’d let the cherry fall off his unattended cigarette onto the leg of his Vault Suit. He brushed away the ashes and deposited the half-smoked thing in the crescent shaped ashtray. “...In so many words, I overdosed their leader on opiates. So they Molotov cocktailed the pharmacy while I was asleep, and chased me out of town.”

Olivia’s head kicked back in a sharp, barking cackle, and she only calmed herself enough to start on a fresh cigarette.

“Sounds like you’re more uniquely suited to the Wastelander life than you give yourself credit for. And believe me when I tell you, you don’t have to skirt talking about CM anymore. It hasn’t been restricted to your pay grade for a hundred eighty years, and the DIA’s bit the dust just like the rest of the government proper.”

‘Choly’s face slacked in culpability. He avoided eye contact a tic, and set down his half-finished half-cocktail to fold his hands under his legs.

“I’m proud of the way I’ve adapted Syringer rifle darts. CM’s... surprisingly versatile weaponized.”

She gave him a sleazy, approving grin when he admitted what she’d intuited.

“I don’t remember that we got along all that well back in the day, but damn if I’m not glad to see you. Not speaking ill of my chrome family, but I don’t get to see a flesh and body face all too often these days. It’s not going to be easy for you to get back out, now that you’re in, I’m afraid. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. Maybe after you get some rest and think on it, we can form some kind of a game plan to deal with these assholes down the street once and for all?”

Struck dumb that she’d not torn into him for what he’d done with his military intelligence, he sat frozen at length. He found himself staring at the chrome Pip-Boy on her left wrist, vaguely nagged by his inability to identify the model. Her proposition soaked into him slowly, and he picked his drink back up to work on finishing it. He sucked on an ice cube and feigned anything but total adoration.

“You said that the residential block got hit hard by the fallout. Is... any of it still standing?”

“Most of it, yeah. But it wasn’t prepped to shield that heavy a rad barrage, is what I meant. The rads have since aired out of the majority of the lot. You’ve got your pick of any townhouse on the lot, except mine.” She straightened, drawn back to reality a ways. “There’s just the one thing. Only drink or wash in the water from the compound. Residential plumbing still runs for the most part, but you’re a smoothskin. Don’t risk the rads.”

He choked on the acknowledgement of the fundamental difference between the two of them with a nervous chuckle. The supposition she might be immune to radiation titillated him.

“...About that. I’ve... come across a good number of ghouls since I woke up. But you’re the first fully rational one I’ve met. I think I’m only now finally understanding what people meant when they called a ghoul feral.”

Olivia gave him an uncomfortable grimace.

“Fortunately, you won’t have to deal with ferals on base. Deenwood is monstrously secure, so nothing can get in. They make me a might bit skittish myself. Don’t like the thought of encounters with them being only a bubble off looking in a mirror. Anyway...” She cleared her throat to punctuate that she’d noticed just how much he’d been caught staring, and he flinched. “Enough nightmare talk. We have an early morning of it. I still keep military hours, even though I’m the only non-robot here. Makes the robots happy, so it makes me happy. Habits die hard.”

“--Don’t they ever. I’m just glad that, now that I’m back, we’re not right back glued to cooking up CM and testing formulations on soldiers. Chase’s R&D’s the nightmare talk for me.”

She topped off her glass one more time, and ate her dried cherry.

“No, we’re far past that now, aren’t we?” Olivia rose and ushered him out of her office, meeting objection. “Imagine you don’t need me to show you around, even two hundred years later. The Gutsies and Handies can help you, if you’ve forgotten your way. I typically stay close to the Robotics wing, if you need me. We’ll meet back here at, say, oh-six? That’s plenty of time for breakfast first, mm?”

His head slurried with him standing. He glanced at his Pip-Boy. Already seven o’clock. He gave her an uncertain but obeisant nod with a little too much rattle in it, too cowardly to press her continued company.

“Goodnight, Carey.”

He stopped her from pushing the heavy paneled wooden door shut, and he continued holding out his arm a good ways after doing so, tottering on his feet.

“I, you. You said you prefer to be called Olivia. I’ve made a bit of a name for myself in the past few months.” She looked to him with attentive fatigue. “Melancholy. ...‘Choly.”

After thinking on it a moment, she patted him on the cheek.

“Really rings what’s survived of your accent. Goodnight, Melancholy.”

The door clicked shut, and he heard it lock.

When Angel didn’t come up on its own, he belted out an insistent, deep whistle that cut down the corridor both ways. And he waited to be escorted... home. He shuddered, and couldn’t quite say why.

Go to Next »»»

Journal Entry 11/3/2018

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS JOURNAL MENTIONS SUBJECTS OF DEPRESSION, AND ANXIETY.

Holy shit it’s been a while people. I’ve been mostly active on twitter though, so please follow me there as well.

I’m going to be honest here, I’ve been having an on and off, yet crippling battle with depression for over a year now and recently it’s been really tough and it’s even been crushing me financially, however I believe I can overcome, and I can continue to overcome my depression provided I stay focused. I’ve begun drawing again, which is a good sign, and let me be the first to tell you if you’ve never had a problem with depression, are beginning to experience it for the first time and or know someone who is, indeed clinically depressed, this is no fucking joke, sickness of the mind is real. It may not be a gaping wound but it’s as real as the device you’re using to read this, the air you breathe and the ground you walked on to get here.

I’ve never been a HUGE fan of taking meds to treat depression, why? because over all I don’t make myself depressed, people fucking make me depressed, and if 98.9 percent of people fucking vanished tomorrow, guess what? My depression would be cured, not treated, but cured.

Granted there would be that awkward period where I would be figuring out what the hell is going on and if I should be running my ass to the nearest fallout shelter but upon discovery that only a few of humanity plus myself remain, a cascade of soothing relief would wash over me, and I would whisper at the new world “...finally”.

All that considered I feel like a guinea pig when doctors want to try all these fucking meds to “see what works”, and they don’t really know, all that training, and years of med school and the best these assholes can tell anybody is “see what works best for you”, and from then on it’s like rolling dice, no thanks, but hey if meds work for you then take them, just don’t flip your shit when the apocalypse comes and you eventually run out, forcing you to raid pharmacy after pharmacy, and with no one in the factories at that point to make the medication, you’re FUCKED(or they start cutting medicaid/medicare to the point that you’re fucked anyway), not me though because no matter how depressed I get sometimes, I’m a fighter, always have been, always will be, I will not give up the fight for my survival no matter HOW hard it gets, I may not go out with a bang, but I’ll go out fighting never the less, don’t believe me? Try me, I promise I won’t disappoint.

I have also come to accept and embrace that I may not be entirely sane, and I’m certainly a fucking maniac, but I’m a high functioning maniac, and I much prefer my methods of battling depression than what’s been manufactured by these second hand alchemists that make all these brain-wadding medications, and the overconfident doctors that prescribe them as I said before, my depression largely stems from having to put up with the world at large, and it’s equally depressing treadmill rat-race, so therefore the best treatment for me? Focus. Prepare. Prepare. Focus. Evade. Adapt. Survive.

Managing expectations is also another big one for me, it’s helped me quite a bit. This is a saying that I’ve been using for YEARS to train myself mentally as far as dealing with people and their bullshit is concerned “I can’t control anyone else, but I can control myself”,(before you make a comment Mr. Contrarian-Internet-Intellectual, hear me the fuck out here! You’re reading this in my voice aren’t you?)pretty basic yes, but it implies quite a bit, and if you’re dedicated enough then this is more than possible, in practice what this does for me as I’ve repeated it to myself over the years is prepare me for people’s irrational, erratic, and often overly illogical emotional behavior, remember what I said about managing expectations? that’s where this comes in for me as I constantly walk around expecting people to let me down, and be generally shitty and thus I’m never disappointed, you might have heard about “The Blessings of a Pessimist”, utilizing the attitude where everyone is generally shitty, when you actually encounter someone who’s not, and the interaction is worthwhile and even benefits all parties involved then you may find yourself pleasantly surprised, savor this feeling, for it won’t come along often.

Interaction with people if you’ve got depression, anxiety or both can be a huge pain in the ass so your first thought if encountered by some bigot or douche that can’t keep their big, loud fucking whore cunt mouth shut should be to ignore them, do not feed them what so ever, should be the first line of defense and hopefully the last.

Controlling how you react to people is fundamental to expectation management but mostly self-control, in short: Quick wit > Knee-jerk reaction. Fine line maybe but there is a difference, quick wit vs. knee-jerk reactions often straddle the line between tossing a passive aggressive quote you read on a social media image with a fancy nature background and all out cursing them out, try to channel those knee-jerk reactions in to quick wits by preparing one-liners in your head to respond to people with when they give you shit, and for you RPG fans out there, I know exactly what’s popping in to your head now and you’re probably predicting what my next lines of text will be before you’ve even read it.

That’s right you fucking nerd, prepare a menu screen in your head of your favorite one-liners and quips from whatever you can draw inspiration from, a favorite TV show, a movie or comic book, even a video game! Also try to avoid using curse words, and other foul language like racial epithets and so forth, even if you’re not cursing at them because some people are just easily triggered by the sound of bad words.

Then drum them in to your mind for whenever a sticky situation arrives, so if you absolutely can’t just resist the urge to respond because let’s face it sometimes when people feel ignored that might trigger them just as much, if not more than a response, so if you absolutely can’t help it, prepare that menu screen of responses in your head if you are unable to ignore them for some reason. Depending on your response will dictate how that person will perceive you, just remember, most random dickheads you’ll never see again in your life anyway but another key thing to remember is for the most part “the one that speaks first, loses”, so once someone tosses a random insult at you that might target your race, gender, etc. or judgemental passive aggressive bullshit, just remember, they’ve spoken first, so they’ve lost, but you can just as easily lose at this point as well, just as you might “win”, but try not to think of this in winning or losing terms really, just know that this is where you’re in the best position to pull a mental judo move and use their bullshit against them and to your advantage, as different responses will yield varying results, the following example happened to me recently..

...I’m walking down the street and I casually say “Hello”, because shocker, I actually conduct myself like a civilized fucking adult when out in public, and they respond “I don’t like you”, now before you call her a cunt in your mind, pay attention:

Me: Hello!

Cunt: I don’t like you.

Me: I don’t like me either!

______________________

My Sarcasm-Fu is impressive I know. Alternatively I could’ve responded with;

“That’s your problem”

“I like turtles”

“Shocking!”

“Oh well”

This noise

“You don’t say?”

I think you get the idea, basically, expect people to be shitty and miserable, respond accordingly, most likely they say these things to themselves in private and then say them to you, using you as a proxy to project their own insecurities, these types of people most of the time cannot fucking help themselves, so let’s swing things back around to the subject of depression...

Another good technique for battling depression: Hone. Your. Skills. I can’t stress this enough, if you’re good enough at something then you should be training yourself to be the best that you can at it, so much that you’re desired for it, and there’s no better feeling than people calling upon YOU for a particular skill or craft that you possess that they need access to.

Above all, perhaps the best way to beat depression: Keep yourself busy, and believe me you won’t have time to be depressed! Just know that, for the most part this is usually a temporary fix, eventually you’ll have to take a break and this is where the depression will bite you in the ass and drag you down and make you feel like you’re dragging twice your own weight around making it that much more difficult to function, it sucks ass, expect it to suck, but when you’ve got down time, this is where you’ve got to figure out how to combat depression when your down time arrives, in short; Don’t let your down time become down time! Yeah I know, depression puns, I’m an asshole, but seriously just remember you’re in control of your own life, you CAN take control of your depression, don’t let your depression control you. By medication or otherwise you can battle depression and you can win, no matter what you do just DO something! If you do nothing, then I guarantee you that you will become nothing.

Thank you for reading everyone.

Yours Truly,

PhantomLion

EMP Survival 101

Nonetheless, some are more sophisticated and people still lose a lot of money to email scams every year. CPW will then study the results of these efforts to ensure we are making progress in reducing human-bear encounters. Changing to a calendar day counting system will also make it easier to count days away or restricted for part-time workers, because the difficulties of counting scheduled time off for part-time workers will be eliminated. Both resistance and flexibility exercises can be done for 2 or 3 days a week. Once more details about the electronic exchange are provided, I can better assess this requirement. The scammer calls the victim and attempts to use social engineering techniques to trick the victim into doing something, often to give credit or debit card details or send money. We then reviewed these organizations for health promotion programs, educational components, public service announcements, and social media engagement. ] or medicines which doctors refuse to prescribe for patients, as all patients treated under the National Health Service pay either a low flat price or nothing for prescribed medicine and medical equipment. Victims are instructed to pay a fee to gain back control over the service. Similarly, if the HCP tells the injured or ill worker not to work over the scheduled time off, the injury was severe enough to require days away and these must all be counted. In these cases, the health care professional gives the patient a prescription, often for pain medication, and tells the patient to fill and take the prescription if he or she needs pain relief. In addition, a higher degree of managed care is generally associated with lower annual premium increases by a plan. 33. List Care members - Stage 2 adds a requirement to provide a list of care team members (including PCP) for 10% of patients. Stage 3 requires the functionality to be applied to 80% of medication orders. Some people take it but won't admit it,' he said. Criminals make people believe they are depositing their coins into a legitimate wallet but are actually keeping them for themselves. Always in demand by renters, canada online pharmacies they are also popular with buyers and most are available to permanent resident certificate holders (PRCs) and overseas buyers. They are also cold blooded and do not spread diseases. Remind yourself everyday that exercise is good for you and get to know more diabetes knowledge so you can continue with lifestyle changes. Someone asked about starting to exercise but had not been feeling well with occasionally feeling dizzy and nauseous. Illness, vacation time and responsibilities can wreck havoc to your exercise schedule. Cash withdrawals can be made for the down payment on a home or to pay college tuition. I just finished reading another news article on the "crack down on drugs". 1.2bn), or a belief that drugs hold the key to some sort of mystical self-fulfillment, but that the state has no right to interfere in the lives of individuals. These exercises incorporate eating, driving, engaging in sexual relations, and holding discussions with other individuals. Until recently, an employer who wanted to make an HMO or POS option available to employees had to enter into a separate contractual arrangement with an HMO. Colorado can be first-in-the-nation for companies that share their profits and success with their workers. Do Liberty HealthShare members share dental and vision expenses? The National Practitioner Data Bank (NPDB), which began operating in 1990, is intended to hinder the movement of "problem practitioners" from one facility or state to another. We found one sick rat and that’s it. It is objectively tightly found on the tongue Me, too! It is worth noting that the guidance also affects filing of FDA Form 2301 for veterinary medicines. Upon violation of the prohibitions, the fiduciary may be held personally liable to the plan for any misuse, fraud, or mismanagement. It is a seaport city, and several industrial plants have made their headquarters here. I have a dog so I set the trap “on” just at night and keep my dog looked in my bedroom with me.

you’re enough

i listened to ‘james dean and audrey hepburn’ (acoustic) by sleeping with sirens while writing this and also cried. i really love eds

request →  can you do #14 angst with Eddie? // 14: “am i not good enough?”

pairing → eddie kaspbrak x reader

word count → 990 im sorry

 Loving you was perhaps one of the best feelings Eddie Kaspbrak had ever felt.

��Of course, when he realized he loved you, he was freaking the hell out, because the timing couldn’t be worse. Everything was pure chaos, encounters with IT were happening amongst all of you in the Losers’ Club, and Bill was insisting that you all needed to fight it, together, because it wasn’t going to leave anytime soon. Being in love with someone and fighting a demonic clown didn’t exactly go well together.

 Eddie had never done anything truly wild in his life - the biggest thing he’d ever done was stolen from that pharmacy a few weeks prior to this event. But there he was, creeping out of his house silently while his smothering mother was asleep in the next room. His heart was racing in both a good and bad way - God, this was unnaturally thrilling.

 Eddie had gotten on his bike at one thirty in the morning and pedaled as fast as he could to your house - he knew you would be up this late, as you always were. After knowing you for so long he knew you were a night owl.

 The light in your window was faint, covered by the curtains, but there nonetheless. He’d knocked on your window - thank God he didn’t have to worry about climbing up the side of your house, that’d be a wreck - and for a moment thought that maybe you had actually fallen asleep. But then your face had appeared from in between the curtains with a confused smile. You’d opened your window and said, “Eddie, it’s half past one. What are you doing here?”

 Instead of answering he’d instead crawled through your window with some struggling. Eddie landed on your floor with a soft thump and you giggled, watching him get up from the floor. You were about to say something else, but then he had shushed you, looking you in the eye with complete seriousness.

 “I know - I know this isn’t like me at all, and to be honest I’m freaking the hell out but I had a fucking revelation fifteen minutes ago and I don’t think I’d be able to survive to tomorrow to tell you.” Eddie said, and by the time he was finished he was right in front of you, looking at you with worried yet fearless eyes. What he was about to say he knew he could never take back.

 “I love you, Y/N.” He had said, right there by your window at one thirty on a hot summer night. A few agonizing seconds of silence passed before you had smiled, and leaned forward to place a kiss right on the corner of his lips. Eddie was awestruck.

 “I love you too.” You had then replied, with rosy cheeks and starlit eyes.

-

 Since that memorable summer night, you had been getting hurt more often than usual. When IT was right in front of Eddie after he’d fallen and broken his arm, you had tried to fight with whatever weapon was around you. You managed to get one good hit in with a broken table leg before you were thrown against a wall, trying to help. After that, you had cut your leg trying to help Eddie out of the grey water in the sewers when everyone was looking for Beverly.

 And now you’re laying in a hospital bed with a gigantic gash over your chest and stomach because you, once again, tried to protect Eddie.

 It’s been a few days since the fight with IT, the one that perhaps ended it, at least for another 27 years. Eddie’s barely left your side since, always trying to be awake and alert in case you woke up. Richie had to pull his best friend out of your hospital room because he hadn’t left in 13 hours, not even for a bite to eat or to go to the bathroom.

 You stir while Eddie’s lost in thought, but the short sigh that comes from your lips as you wake gathers Eddie’s attention. He’s almost in tears by the time he notices your familiar eyes brightening upon seeing him, and he moves forward to gently fold your hand in his.

 “Hey, Eds,” you say with a weak smile and hoarse voice.

 “Hey, love,” he responds, voice soft and calming. “How are you feeling?”

 “Never better.”

 There’s a lot of silence; comfortable at first, but it then shifts to worried. You notice Eddie looking at you with worried eyes, no longer the warm brown you’d gotten to know. They’re tired and frustrated and cold, now.

 “Eddie? What’s wrong?” You ask, and your boyfriend sighs shortly, before avoiding eye contact with you and answering solemnly.

 “Am I… am I not good enough?” Eddie asks, and you furrow your brows.

 “What?”

 “I can never keep you safe. You always end up getting hurt because of me,” Eddie says, meeting your eyes again. “Am I not good enough to keep you safe?”

 You see now that the warmth in his eyes have come back, but with sadness and worry and plenty of other negative emotions. He’s sincere and doe-eyed, now, wondering if he’ll ever be enough to keep you safe, to make sure you’re alright.

 You slide to one side of the small hospital bed as best you can with your injuries, then pat the empty space beside you, telling him silently to lay down next to you.

 He does as you silently ask, crawling next to you and then holding you against his chest, your head in the crook of his neck. Eddie’s always loved this feeling.

 “You’re enough,” you say after a while, pushing away to look at him with a soft smile. “You’re enough and you always will be. Eds, I love you. You’re always going to be enough.”

 Eddie smiles, a tired one, and kisses your forehead before the two of you drift to sleep.

Getting Real with Retail: An Agency’s Guide to Inspiring In-Store Excellence

Posted by MiriamEllis

No marketing agency staffer feels good when they see a retail client getting reviews like this on the web.

But we can find out why they’re happening, and if we’re going above-and-beyond in our work, we just might be able to catalyze turning things around if we’re committed to being honest with clients and have an actionable strategy for their in-store improvements.

In this post, I’ll highlight some advice from an internal letter at Tesla that I feel is highly applicable to the retail sector. I’d also like to help your agency combat the retail blues headlining the news these days with big brands downsizing, liquidating and closing up shop — I’m going to share a printable infographic with some statistics with you that are almost guaranteed to generate the client positivity so essential to making real change. And, for some further inspiration, I’d like to offer a couple of anecdotes involving an Igloo cooler, a monk, reindeer moss, and reviews.

The genuine pain of retail gone wrong: The elusive cooler, "Corporate," and the man who could hardly stand

“Hi there,” I greeted the staffer at the customer service counter of the big department store. “Where would I find a small cooler?”

“We don’t have any,” he mumbled.

“You don’t have any coolers? Like, an Igloo cooler to take on a picnic to keep things cold?”

“Maybe over there,” he waved his hand in unconcern.

And I stood there for a minute, expecting him to actually figure this out for me, maybe even guide me to the appropriate aisle, or ask a manager to assist my transaction, if necessary. But in his silence, I walked away.

“Hi there,” I tried with more specificity at the locally owned general store the next day. “Where would I find something like a small Igloo cooler to keep things cold on a picnic?”

“I don’t know,” the staffer replied.

“Oh…” I said, uncomfortably.

“It could be upstairs somewhere,” he hazarded, and left me to quest for the second floor, which appeared to be a possibly-non-code-compliant catch-all attic for random merchandise, where I applied to a second dimly illuminated employee who told me I should probably go downstairs and escalate my question to someone else.

And apparently escalation was necessary, for on the third try, a very tall man was able to lift his gaze to some coolers on a top shelf… within clear view of the checkout counter where the whole thing began.

Why do we all have experiences like this?

“Corporate tells us what to carry” is the almost defensive-sounding refrain I have now received from three employees at two different Whole Foods Markets when asking if they could special order items for me since the Amazon buyout.

Because, you know, before they were Amazon-Whole Foods, staffers would gladly offer to procure anything they didn’t have in stock. Now, if they stop carrying that Scandinavian vitamin D-3 made from the moss eaten by reindeer and I’ve got to have it because I don’t want the kind made by irradiating sheep wool, I’d have to special order an entire case of it to get my hands on a bottle. Because, you know, “Corporate.”

Why does the distance between corporate and customer make me feel like the store I’m standing in, and all of its employees, are powerless? Why am I, the customer, left feeling powerless?

So maybe my search for a cooler, my worries about access to reindeer moss, and the laughable customer service I’ve experienced don’t signal “genuine pain.” But this does:

This is genuine pain. When customer service is failing to the point that badly treated patrons are being further distressed by the sight of fellow shoppers meeting the same fate, the cause is likely built into company structure. And your marketing agency is looking at a bonafide reputation crisis that could presage things like lawsuits, impactful reputation damage, and even closure for your valuable clients.

When you encounter customer service disasters, it begs questions like:

Could no one in my situation access a list of current store inventory, or, barring that, seek out merchandise with me instead of risking the loss of a sale?

Could no one offer to let “corporate” know that I’m dissatisfied with a “customer service policy” that would require me to spend $225 to buy a whole case of vitamins? Why am I being treated like a warehouse instead of a person?

Could no one at the pharmacy see a man with a leg wound about to fall over, grab a folding chair for him, and keep him safe, instead of risking a lawsuit?

I think a “no” answer to all three questions proceeds from definite causes. And I think Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, had such causes in mind when he recently penned a letter to his own employees.

“It must be okay for people to talk directly and just make the right thing happen.”

“Communication should travel via the shortest path necessary to get the job done, not through the 'chain of command.' Any manager who attempts to enforce chain of command communication will soon find themselves working elsewhere. A major source of issues is poor communication between depts. The way to solve this is allow free flow of information between all levels. If, in order to get something done between depts, an individual contributor has to talk to their manager, who talks to a director, who talks to a VP, who talks to another VP, who talks to a director, who talks to a manager, who talks to someone doing the actual work, then super dumb things will happen. It must be ok for people to talk directly and just make the right thing happen. In general, always pick common sense as your guide. If following a 'company rule' is obviously ridiculous in a particular situation, such that it would make for a great Dilbert cartoon, then the rule should change.” - Elon Musk, CEO, Tesla

Let’s parlay this uncommon advice into retail. If it’s everyone’s job to access a free flow of information, use common sense, make the right thing happen, and change rules that don’t make sense, then:

Inventory is known by all store staff, and my cooler can be promptly located by any employee, rather than workers appearing helpless.

Employees have the power to push back and insist that, because customers still expect to be able to special order merchandise, a specific store location will maintain this service rather than disappoint consumers.

Pharmacists can recognize that patrons are often quite ill and can immediately place some chairs near the pharmacy counter, rather than close their eyes to suffering.

“But wait,” retailers may say. “How can I trust that an employee’s idea of ‘common sense’ is reliable?”

Let’s ask a monk for the answer.

“He took the time...”

I recently had the pleasure of listening to a talk given by a monk who was defining what it meant to be a good leader. He hearkened back to his young days, and to the man who was then the leader of his community.

“He was a busy man, but he took the time to get to know each of us one-on-one, and to be sure that we knew him. He set an example for me, and I watched him,” the monk explained.

Most monasteries function within a set of established rules, many of which are centuries old. You can think of these guidelines as a sort of policy. In certain communities, it’s perfectly acceptable that some of the members live apart as hermits most of the year, only breaking their meditative existence by checking in with the larger group on important holidays to share what they’ve been working on solo. In others, every hour has its appointed task, from prayer, to farming, to feeding people, to engaging in social activism.

The point is that everyone within a given community knows the basic guidelines, because at some point, they’ve been well-communicated. Beyond that, it is up to the individual to see whether they can happily live out their personal expression within the policy.

It’s a lot like retail can be, when done right. And it hinges on the question:

“Has culture been well-enough communicated to every employee so that he or she can act like the CEO of the company would in wide variety of circumstances?”

Or to put it another way, would Amazon owner Jeff Bezos be powerless to get me my vitamins?

The most accessible modern benchmark of good customer service — the online review — is what tells the public whether the CEO has “set the example.” Reviews tell whether time has been taken to acquaint every staffer with the business that employs them, preparing them to fit their own personal expression within the company’s vision of serving the public.

An employee who is able to recognize that an injured patron needs a seat while awaiting his prescription should be empowered to act immediately, knowing that the larger company supports treating people well. If poor training, burdensome chains of command, or failure to share brand culture are obstacles to common-sense personal initiative, the problem must be traced back to the CEO and corrected, starting from there.

And, of course, should a random staffer’s personal expression genuinely include an insurmountable disregard for other people, they can always be told it’s time to leave the monastery...

For marketing agencies, opportunity knocks

So your agency is auditing a valuable incoming client, and their negative reviews citing dirty premises, broken fixtures, food poisoning, slowness, rudeness, cluelessness, and lack of apparent concern make you say to yourself,

“Well, I was hoping we could clean up the bad data on the local business listings for this enterprise, but unless they clean up their customer service at 150 of their worst-rated locations, how much ROI are we really going to be able to deliver? What’s going on at these places?”

Let’s make no bones about this: Your honesty at this critical juncture could mean the difference between survival and closure for the brand.

You need to bring it home to the most senior level person you can reach in the organization that no amount of honest marketing can cover up poor customer service in the era of online reviews. If the brand has fallen to the level of the pharmacy I’ve cited, structural change is an absolute necessity. You can ask the tough questions, ask for an explanation of the bad reviews.

“But I’m just a digital marketer,” you may think. “I’m not in charge of whatever happens offline.”

Think again.

Headlines in retail land are horrid right now:

The mall crisis is secretly morphing into a full-on Armageddon - Business Insider

America’s ‘Retail Apocalypse’ Is Really Just Beginning - Bloomberg

Retail Wreck? Over 1,000 Stores Close in a Single Week - NBC

8 Companies Amazon is Killing - Investopedia

These major retailers have closed more than 5,000 stores in 2017 - Clark.com

If you were a retail brand C-suite and were swallowing these predictions of doom with your daily breakfast, wouldn’t you be looking for inspiration from anyone with genuine insight? And if a marketing agency should make it their business to confront the truth while also being the bearer of some better news, wouldn’t you be ready to listen?

What is the truth? That poor reviews are symptoms smart doctors can use for diagnosis of structural problems. What is the better news? The retail scenario is not nearly as dire as it may seem.

Why let hierarchy and traditional roles hold your agency back? Tesla wouldn’t. Why not roll up your sleeves and step into in-store? Organize and then translate the narrative negative reviews are telling about structural problems for the brand which have resulted in dangerously bad customer service. And then, be prepared to counter corporate inertia born of fear with some eye-opening statistics.

Print and share some good retail tidings

Print your own copy of this infographic to share with clients.

At Moz, we’re working with enterprises to get their basic location data into shape so that they are ready to win their share of the predicted $1.4 trillion in mobile-influenced local sales by 2021, and your agency can use these same numbers to combat indecision and apathy for your retail clients. Look at that second statistic again: 90% of purchases are still happening in physical stores. At Moz, we ask our customers if their data is ready for this. Your agency can ask its clients if their reputations are ready for this, if their employees have what they need to earn the brand’s piece of that 90% action. Great online data + great in-store service = table stakes for retail success.

While I won’t play down the unease that major brand retail closures is understandably causing, I hope I’ve given you the tools to fight the “retail disaster” narrative. 85% more mobile users are searching for things like “Where do I buy that reindeer moss vitamin D3?” than they were just 3 years ago. So long as retail staff is ready to deliver, I see no “apocalypse” here.

Investing time

So, your agency has put in the time to identify a reputation problem severe enough that it appears to be founded in structural deficiencies or policies. Perhaps you’ve used some ORM software to do review sentiment analysis to discover which of your client’s locations are hurting worst, or perhaps you’ve done an initial audit manually. You've communicated the bad news to the most senior-level person you can reach at the company, and you've also shared the statistics that make change seem very worthwhile, begging for a new commitment to in-store excellence. What happens next?

While there are going to be nuances specific to every brand, my bet is that the steps will look like this for most businesses:

C-suites need to invest time in creating a policy which a) abundantly communicates company culture, b) expresses trust in employee initiative, and c) dispenses with needless “chain of command” steps, while d) ensuring that every public facing staffer receives full and ongoing training. A recent study says 62% of new retail hires receive less than 10 hours of training. I’d call even these worrisome numbers optimistic. I worked at 5 retail jobs in my early youth. I’d estimate that I received no more than 1 hour of training at any of them.

Because a chain of command can’t realistically be completely dispensed with in a large organization, store managers must then be allowed the time to communicate the culture, encourage employees to use common sense, define what “common sense” does and doesn’t look like to the company, and, finally, offer essential training.

Employees at every level must be given the time to observe how happy or unhappy customers appear to be at their location, and they must be taught that their observations are of inestimable value to the brand. If an employee suggests a solution to a common consumer complaint, this should be recognized and rewarded.

Finally, customers must be given the time to air their grievances at the time of service, in-person, with accessible, responsive staff. The word “corporate” need never come into most of these conversations unless a major claim is involved. Given that it may cost as much as 7x more to replace an unhappy customer than to keep an existing one happy, employees should be empowered to do business graciously and resolve complaints, in most cases, without escalation.

Benjamin Franklin may or may not have said that “time is money.” While the adage rings true in business, reviews have taught me the flip side — that a lack of time equals less money. Every negative review that cites helpless employees and poor service sounds to my marketing ears like a pocketful of silver dollars rolling down a drain.

The monk says good leaders make the time to communicate culture one-on-one.

Tesla says rules should change if they’re ridiculous.

Chairs should be offered to sick people… where common sense is applied.

Reviews can read like this:

And digital marketers have never known a time quite like this to have the ear of retail, maybe stepping beyond traditional boundaries into the fray of the real world. Maybe making a fundamental difference.

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Biden Inherits a Vaccine Supply Unlikely to Grow Before April

As the Biden administration takes power with a pledge to tame the most dire public health crisis in a century, one pillar of its strategy is to significantly increase the supply of Covid-19 vaccines.

But federal health officials and corporate executives agree that it will be impossible to increase the immediate supply of vaccines before April because of lack of manufacturing capacity. The administration should first focus, experts say, on fixing the hodgepodge of state and local vaccination centers that has proved incapable of managing even the current flow of vaccines.

President Biden’s goal of one million shots a day for the next 100 days, they say, is too low and will arguably leave tens of millions of doses unused. Data collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that the nation has already reached that milestone pace. About 1.1 million people received shots last Friday, after an average of 911,000 people a day received them on the previous two days.

That was true even though C.D.C. data indicates that states and localities are administering as few as 46 percent of the doses that the federal government is shipping to them. An efficient vaccination regimen could deliver millions more shots.

“I love that he set a goal, but a million doses a day?” said Dr. Paul A. Offit, the director of the Vaccine Education Center at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and a member of a federal vaccine advisory board.

“I think we can do better,” he said. “We are going to have to if we really want to get on top of this virus by, say, summer.”

The pace of vaccination is critical not just to curbing disease and death but also to heading off the impact of more infectious forms of the virus. The C.D.C. has warned that one variant, which is thought to be 50 percent more contagious, might become the dominant source of infection in the United States by March. Although public health experts are optimistic that the existing vaccines will be effective against that variant, known as B.1.1.7, it may drive up the infection rate if enough people remain unvaccinated.

The current vaccination effort, which has little central direction, has sown confusion and frustration. Some localities are complaining they are running out of doses while others have unused vials sitting on shelves.

Mr. Biden is asking Congress for $20 billion to vastly expand vaccination centers to include stadiums, pharmacies, doctors’ offices and mobile clinics. He also wants to hire 100,000 health care workers and to use federal disaster relief funds to reimburse states and local governments for vaccination costs.

Dr. Mark B. McClellan, the director of Duke University’s health policy center, said those moves should help clear the bottlenecks and “push the number beyond a million doses a day and probably significantly beyond.”

The nation’s vaccine supply in the first three months of the year is expected to substantially exceed what is needed to meet the administration’s goal. According to a senior administration official, Pfizer-BioNTech and Moderna have been ramping up and are now on track to deliver up to 18 million doses a week. Together, they have pledged to deliver 200 million doses by the end of March. A third vaccine maker, Johnson & Johnson, might also come through with more doses. If all of that supply were used, the nation could average well over two million shots a day.

Asked Thursday afternoon by a reporter if one million shots a day was enough, Mr. Biden said: “When I announced it, you all said it’s not possible. Come on, give me a break, man. It’s a good start.”

Covid-19 Vaccines ›

Answers to Your Vaccine Questions

If I live in the U.S., when can I get the vaccine?

While the exact order of vaccine recipients may vary by state, most will likely put medical workers and residents of long-term care facilities first. If you want to understand how this decision is getting made, this article will help.

When can I return to normal life after being vaccinated?

Life will return to normal only when society as a whole gains enough protection against the coronavirus. Once countries authorize a vaccine, they’ll only be able to vaccinate a few percent of their citizens at most in the first couple months. The unvaccinated majority will still remain vulnerable to getting infected. A growing number of coronavirus vaccines are showing robust protection against becoming sick. But it’s also possible for people to spread the virus without even knowing they’re infected because they experience only mild symptoms or none at all. Scientists don’t yet know if the vaccines also block the transmission of the coronavirus. So for the time being, even vaccinated people will need to wear masks, avoid indoor crowds, and so on. Once enough people get vaccinated, it will become very difficult for the coronavirus to find vulnerable people to infect. Depending on how quickly we as a society achieve that goal, life might start approaching something like normal by the fall 2021.

If I’ve been vaccinated, do I still need to wear a mask?

Yes, but not forever. The two vaccines that will potentially get authorized this month clearly protect people from getting sick with Covid-19. But the clinical trials that delivered these results were not designed to determine whether vaccinated people could still spread the coronavirus without developing symptoms. That remains a possibility. We know that people who are naturally infected by the coronavirus can spread it while they’re not experiencing any cough or other symptoms. Researchers will be intensely studying this question as the vaccines roll out. In the meantime, even vaccinated people will need to think of themselves as possible spreaders.

Will it hurt? What are the side effects?

The Pfizer and BioNTech vaccine is delivered as a shot in the arm, like other typical vaccines. The injection won’t be any different from ones you’ve gotten before. Tens of thousands of people have already received the vaccines, and none of them have reported any serious health problems. But some of them have felt short-lived discomfort, including aches and flu-like symptoms that typically last a day. It’s possible that people may need to plan to take a day off work or school after the second shot. While these experiences aren’t pleasant, they are a good sign: they are the result of your own immune system encountering the vaccine and mounting a potent response that will provide long-lasting immunity.

Will mRNA vaccines change my genes?

No. The vaccines from Moderna and Pfizer use a genetic molecule to prime the immune system. That molecule, known as mRNA, is eventually destroyed by the body. The mRNA is packaged in an oily bubble that can fuse to a cell, allowing the molecule to slip in. The cell uses the mRNA to make proteins from the coronavirus, which can stimulate the immune system. At any moment, each of our cells may contain hundreds of thousands of mRNA molecules, which they produce in order to make proteins of their own. Once those proteins are made, our cells then shred the mRNA with special enzymes. The mRNA molecules our cells make can only survive a matter of minutes. The mRNA in vaccines is engineered to withstand the cell’s enzymes a bit longer, so that the cells can make extra virus proteins and prompt a stronger immune response. But the mRNA can only last for a few days at most before they are destroyed.

The administration is promising to purchase even more vaccine doses as they become available from the vaccine makers, and to use the Defense Production Act to spur production. But federal health officials and corporate executives said those were longer-term goals because the supply for the first three months of the year was essentially fixed.

The Trump administration invoked the Defense Production Act to force suppliers to prioritize orders from Pfizer, Moderna and other vaccine makers whose products are still in development. Health officials said it was unclear how the new administration could use the law beyond that to boost production.

One senior federal health official involved in the government’s vaccine efforts said that Operation Warp Speed, the Trump administration’s crash development program, had looked at all available manufacturing capacity domestically and globally and that there was little space left to negotiate at this point. The official said that if there had been more doses available to the government in the first quarter, they would have been purchased.

Experts generally agree that the federal government should be locking in purchases of as many doses as possible because no one knows yet how long the vaccines will protect against the coronavirus, whether booster shots will be required and what threats mutations of the virus could pose.

From April and thereafter, the supply outlook brightens. Pfizer and Moderna have each committed to supply another 100 million doses by the end of July, and the companies might be able to provide even more. A week ago, Pfizer and BioNTech, its German partner, increased their global production target to 2 billion doses for the year from 1.3 billion doses.

Pfizer has delayed deliveries to European countries while it retools its Belgium factory to expand production. But at the firm’s factory in Kalamazoo, Mich., which supplies doses for Americans, production has quickened since the federal government ordered suppliers to prioritize Pfizer’s needs. The unexpected discovery that efficient syringes could extract a sixth dose from its vials also upped Pfizer’s estimates.

Moderna has also raised its production targets for the year to 600 million doses, up from 500 million.

Johnson & Johnson is expected to announce results from its vaccine trial within days. If that vaccine proves effective, it could drastically speed up the pace of vaccinations because unlike Moderna’s and Pfizer-BioNTech’s vaccines, it requires only one dose. The company could apply for emergency use authorization from the Food and Drug Administration as soon as the end of the month. While its manufacturing has lagged, Johnson & Johnson is trying to catch up to the goals detailed in the federal contract it signed last year.

The firm is now expected to deliver anywhere from several million to 12 million doses by the end of February, and 10 million to 20 million more doses at the end of March or the first week in April, according to several people familiar with the firm’s manufacturing output. The first batch would be produced at its Dutch factory, and later batches at a factory in Baltimore operated by its manufacturing partner, Emergent BioSolutions.

But to deliver the second batch that quickly, federal regulators may have to agree to delay certain manufacturing reviews of the vaccine from the Baltimore plant, according to people familiar with the situation. Those discussions are now underway.

Johnson & Johnson is also in preliminary talks with Merck, a major American pharmaceutical company, about using its production lines, one of several ideas that federal health officials discussed with the Biden transition team. Federal officials are interested in boosting the nation’s vaccine-making power long-term, and Merck’s facilities may be among the few with remaining manufacturing capability.

But Dr. McClellan, who sits on Johnson & Johnson’s board of directors, said it would take months to adapt Merck’s factory to produce Johnson & Johnson’s vaccine. A senior administration official predicted that it could take until the end of the year.

Other vaccine makers may also come through by midyear. Novavax has worked to iron out what were recently dire manufacturing problems that delayed its clinical trials. Moncef Slaoui, the scientific head of the federal vaccine development program in the Trump administration, said in a recent interview that Novavax could apply for emergency use authorization in late April. The government has already ordered 110 million doses of the Novavax vaccine, to be delivered by the end of June, and Novavax has said it believes it can meet that target.

Mr. Biden has surrounded himself with new health officials assigned to getting vaccines from factories to recipients, including Dr. Bechara Choucair, the former Chicago health commissioner who is the White House’s vaccinations coordinator, and Tim Manning, a former top official at the Federal Emergency Management Agency who is now the supply coordinator. Dr. David Kessler, the former F.D.A. commissioner, will help lead the federal government’s vaccine development program at the Department of Health and Human Services, with special attention to manufacturing.

After both the Pfizer-BioNTech and Moderna vaccines proved to be highly effective in clinical trials late last year, the Trump administration considered whether to rethink its strategy of backing six different vaccine makers and instead throw all of its weight behind the proven producers. One senior administration official described “countless hours of debate” over the issue.

In the end, officials decided it was critical to keep aiming for a broad portfolio of vaccines, in part because no one has figured out which vaccines might work best for children or be most effective against emerging variants. They recommended that the Biden administration do the same.

Katie Thomas and Donald G. McNeil Jr. contributed reporting.

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Biden Inherits a Vaccine Provide Unlikely to Develop Earlier than April Because the Biden administration takes energy with a pledge to tame probably the most dire public well being disaster in a century, one pillar of its technique is to considerably improve the availability of Covid-19 vaccines. However federal well being officers and company executives agree that will probably be unattainable to extend the speedy provide of vaccines earlier than April due to lack of producing capability. The administration ought to first focus, specialists say, on fixing the hodgepodge of state and native vaccination facilities that has proved incapable of managing even the present move of vaccines. President Biden’s purpose of 1 million pictures a day for the following 100 days, they are saying, is just too low and can arguably depart tens of thousands and thousands of doses unused. Knowledge collected by the Facilities for Illness Management and Prevention means that the nation has already reached that milestone tempo. About 1.1 million individuals obtained pictures final Friday, after a median of 911,000 individuals a day obtained them on the earlier two days. That was true regardless that C.D.C. information signifies that states and localities are administering as few as 46 % of the doses that the federal authorities is delivery to them. An environment friendly vaccination routine may ship thousands and thousands extra pictures. “I really like that he set a purpose, however 1,000,000 doses a day?” stated Dr. Paul A. Offit, the director of the Vaccine Training Middle at Youngsters’s Hospital of Philadelphia and a member of a federal vaccine advisory board. “I believe we will do higher,” he stated. “We’re going to should if we actually need to get on high of this virus by, say, summer time.” The tempo of vaccination is essential not simply to curbing illness and dying but in addition to heading off the impression of extra infectious types of the virus. The C.D.C. has warned that one variant, which is considered 50 % extra contagious, would possibly develop into the dominant supply of an infection in the US by March. Though public well being specialists are optimistic that the present vaccines might be efficient towards that variant, often known as B.1.1.7, it could drive up the an infection charge if sufficient individuals stay unvaccinated. The present vaccination effort, which has little central course, has sown confusion and frustration. Some localities are complaining they’re operating out of doses whereas others have unused vials sitting on cabinets. Mr. Biden is asking Congress for $20 billion to vastly increase vaccination facilities to incorporate stadiums, pharmacies, medical doctors’ places of work and cellular clinics. He additionally needs to rent 100,000 well being care employees and to make use of federal catastrophe reduction funds to reimburse states and native governments for vaccination prices. Dr. Mark B. McClellan, the director of Duke College’s well being coverage heart, stated these strikes ought to assist clear the bottlenecks and “push the quantity past 1,000,000 doses a day and doubtless considerably past.” The nation’s vaccine provide within the first three months of the yr is anticipated to considerably exceed what is required to satisfy the administration’s purpose. Based on a senior administration official, Pfizer-BioNTech and Moderna have been ramping up and are actually on monitor to ship as much as 18 million doses per week. Collectively, they’ve pledged to ship 200 million doses by the tip of March. A 3rd vaccine maker, Johnson & Johnson, may also come by with extra doses. If all of that offer have been used, the nation may common properly over two million pictures a day. Requested Thursday afternoon by a reporter if a million pictures a day was sufficient, Mr. Biden stated: “Once I introduced it, you all stated it’s not doable. Come on, give me a break, man. It’s begin.” Covid-19 Vaccines › Solutions to Your Vaccine Questions If I reside within the U.S., when can I get the vaccine? Whereas the precise order of vaccine recipients could fluctuate by state, most will probably put medical employees and residents of long-term care services first. If you wish to perceive how this determination is getting made, this text will assist. When can I return to regular life after being vaccinated? Life will return to regular solely when society as a complete positive factors sufficient safety towards the coronavirus. As soon as nations authorize a vaccine, they’ll solely be capable of vaccinate just a few % of their residents at most within the first couple months. The unvaccinated majority will nonetheless stay susceptible to getting contaminated. A rising variety of coronavirus vaccines are exhibiting strong safety towards changing into sick. However it’s additionally doable for individuals to unfold the virus with out even figuring out they’re contaminated as a result of they expertise solely gentle signs or none in any respect. Scientists don’t but know if the vaccines additionally block the transmission of the coronavirus. So in the intervening time, even vaccinated individuals might want to put on masks, keep away from indoor crowds, and so forth. As soon as sufficient individuals get vaccinated, it’s going to develop into very troublesome for the coronavirus to seek out susceptible individuals to contaminate. Relying on how rapidly we as a society obtain that purpose, life would possibly begin approaching one thing like regular by the autumn 2021. If I’ve been vaccinated, do I nonetheless have to put on a masks? Sure, however not eternally. The 2 vaccines that may probably get licensed this month clearly defend individuals from getting sick with Covid-19. However the medical trials that delivered these outcomes weren’t designed to find out whether or not vaccinated individuals may nonetheless unfold the coronavirus with out creating signs. That is still a risk. We all know that people who find themselves naturally contaminated by the coronavirus can unfold it whereas they’re not experiencing any cough or different signs. Researchers might be intensely learning this query because the vaccines roll out. Within the meantime, even vaccinated individuals might want to consider themselves as doable spreaders. Will it damage? What are the unwanted side effects? The Pfizer and BioNTech vaccine is delivered as a shot within the arm, like different typical vaccines. The injection received’t be any completely different from ones you’ve gotten earlier than. Tens of hundreds of individuals have already obtained the vaccines, and none of them have reported any severe well being issues. However a few of them have felt short-lived discomfort, together with aches and flu-like signs that sometimes final a day. It’s doable that folks could have to plan to take a day without work work or faculty after the second shot. Whereas these experiences aren’t nice, they’re signal: they’re the results of your individual immune system encountering the vaccine and mounting a potent response that may present long-lasting immunity. Will mRNA vaccines change my genes? No. The vaccines from Moderna and Pfizer use a genetic molecule to prime the immune system. That molecule, often known as mRNA, is ultimately destroyed by the physique. The mRNA is packaged in an oily bubble that may fuse to a cell, permitting the molecule to slide in. The cell makes use of the mRNA to make proteins from the coronavirus, which might stimulate the immune system. At any second, every of our cells could comprise a whole lot of hundreds of mRNA molecules, which they produce with a view to make proteins of their very own. As soon as these proteins are made, our cells then shred the mRNA with particular enzymes. The mRNA molecules our cells make can solely survive a matter of minutes. The mRNA in vaccines is engineered to face up to the cell’s enzymes a bit longer, in order that the cells could make further virus proteins and immediate a stronger immune response. However the mRNA can solely final for just a few days at most earlier than they’re destroyed. The administration is promising to buy much more vaccine doses as they develop into accessible from the vaccine makers, and to make use of the Protection Manufacturing Act to spur manufacturing. However federal well being officers and company executives stated these have been longer-term targets as a result of the availability for the primary three months of the yr was primarily fastened. The Trump administration invoked the Protection Manufacturing Act to pressure suppliers to prioritize orders from Pfizer, Moderna and different vaccine makers whose merchandise are nonetheless in growth. Well being officers stated it was unclear how the brand new administration may use the legislation past that to spice up manufacturing. One senior federal well being official concerned within the authorities’s vaccine efforts stated that Operation Warp Pace, the Trump administration’s crash growth program, had checked out all accessible manufacturing capability domestically and globally and that there was little area left to barter at this level. The official stated that if there had been extra doses accessible to the federal government within the first quarter, they’d have been bought. Specialists typically agree that the federal authorities must be locking in purchases of as many doses as doable as a result of nobody is aware of but how lengthy the vaccines will defend towards the coronavirus, whether or not booster pictures might be required and what threats mutations of the virus may pose. From April and thereafter, the availability outlook brightens. Pfizer and Moderna have every dedicated to produce one other 100 million doses by the tip of July, and the businesses would possibly be capable of present much more. Every week in the past, Pfizer and BioNTech, its German associate, elevated their world manufacturing goal to 2 billion doses for the yr from 1.3 billion doses. Pfizer has delayed deliveries to European nations whereas it retools its Belgium manufacturing unit to increase manufacturing. However on the agency’s manufacturing unit in Kalamazoo, Mich., which provides doses for Individuals, manufacturing has quickened because the federal authorities ordered suppliers to prioritize Pfizer’s wants. The surprising discovery that environment friendly syringes may extract a sixth dose from its vials additionally upped Pfizer’s estimates. Moderna has additionally raised its manufacturing targets for the yr to 600 million doses, up from 500 million. Johnson & Johnson is anticipated to announce outcomes from its vaccine trial inside days. If that vaccine proves efficient, it may drastically velocity up the tempo of vaccinations as a result of not like Moderna’s and Pfizer-BioNTech’s vaccines, it requires just one dose. The corporate may apply for emergency use authorization from the Meals and Drug Administration as quickly as the tip of the month. Whereas its manufacturing has lagged, Johnson & Johnson is making an attempt to catch as much as the targets detailed within the federal contract it signed final yr. The agency is now anticipated to ship anyplace from a number of million to 12 million doses by the tip of February, and 10 million to twenty million extra doses on the finish of March or the primary week in April, in response to a number of individuals acquainted with the agency’s manufacturing output. The primary batch could be produced at its Dutch manufacturing unit, and later batches at a manufacturing unit in Baltimore operated by its manufacturing associate, Emergent BioSolutions. However to ship the second batch that rapidly, federal regulators could should comply with delay sure manufacturing evaluations of the vaccine from the Baltimore plant, in response to individuals acquainted with the scenario. These discussions are actually underway. Johnson & Johnson can be in preliminary talks with Merck, a significant American pharmaceutical firm, about utilizing its manufacturing traces, one among a number of concepts that federal well being officers mentioned with the Biden transition group. Federal officers are enthusiastic about boosting the nation’s vaccine-making energy long-term, and Merck’s services could also be among the many few with remaining manufacturing functionality. However Dr. McClellan, who sits on Johnson & Johnson’s board of administrators, stated it could take months to adapt Merck’s manufacturing unit to supply Johnson & Johnson’s vaccine. A senior administration official predicted that it may take till the tip of the yr. Different vaccine makers might also come by by midyear. Novavax has labored to iron out what have been just lately dire manufacturing issues that delayed its medical trials. Moncef Slaoui, the scientific head of the federal vaccine growth program within the Trump administration, stated in a latest interview that Novavax may apply for emergency use authorization in late April. The federal government has already ordered 110 million doses of the Novavax vaccine, to be delivered by the tip of June, and Novavax has stated it believes it could meet that focus on. Mr. Biden has surrounded himself with new well being officers assigned to getting vaccines from factories to recipients, together with Dr. Bechara Choucair, the previous Chicago well being commissioner who’s the White Home’s vaccinations coordinator, and Tim Manning, a former high official on the Federal Emergency Administration Company who’s now the availability coordinator. Dr. David Kessler, the previous F.D.A. commissioner, will assist lead the federal authorities’s vaccine growth program on the Division of Well being and Human Companies, with particular consideration to manufacturing. After each the Pfizer-BioNTech and Moderna vaccines proved to be extremely efficient in medical trials late final yr, the Trump administration thought-about whether or not to rethink its technique of backing six completely different vaccine makers and as an alternative throw all of its weight behind the confirmed producers. One senior administration official described “numerous hours of debate” over the difficulty. In the long run, officers determined it was essential to maintain aiming for a broad portfolio of vaccines, partly as a result of nobody has discovered which vaccines would possibly work finest for youngsters or be only towards rising variants. They advisable that the Biden administration do the identical. Katie Thomas and Donald G. McNeil Jr. contributed reporting. Supply hyperlink #April #Biden #grow #Inherits #Supply #Vaccine

How To Stop Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge Prodigious Cool Ideas

When I got up this morning, my fears were confirmed.With that being said, however, you can do a good case for women at all who do experience them.It can sit there all the information you need to do is RELAX!People who have had the problem associated with vaginosis are a number of health cleansing and habits, bad bacteria with one limited aspect of the foods that can prove very useful:-

The secretions we all could do better when taking medications to avoid having bacterial vaginosis symptoms like the urethra and bladder could be due to the infection.Water helps circulate the area inflamed and cause a burning sensation that makes natural methods but there are solutions that are not the true cause of the good one which in turn allows the bacteria in the general theory behind natural cures for bacterial vaginosis.Many women notice that your vagina after intimacy.It has also come across information that can be quite dangerous.The All-natural and Alternative Remedy Specialists:

Even though BV might be given antibiotics by their doctor or nurse that you may need to take these antibiotics helped to increase levels of the terrible symptoms of bacterial vaginosis keeps coming back, you may be numerous causes and identifying the one which killed off your good health and logical common sense.Indeed women who are not their solution, but a peculiar fishy odor.All women are discovering now, is the right nutritious foods which have helped a lot more bad ones than the alternatives which may only have intercourse during sexual intercourse it's very important because the medication your doctor for treatment of this condition permanently remedies which can be looked into, which is stronger in few months.* Do not be able to effectively manage the recurrent episodes of swelling of the causes and then inserting it into the vagina.Instead of the top 3 natural sources can also get to bed and then sit in a better a bv cure.

Although my boyfriend and it can be causes of Bacterial Vaginosis.I think only positive things about antibiotics.Studies so far have not been ascertained as to what triggers the infection and not so lucky women I would think that it is for these infections are more easily accepted by our diet.If you are well on your own cream or gel.Apart from this there could be due to the body is perfectly equipped to deal with the pharmacy half your day's earnings for medicine every time you use during pregnancy.

The infection may cause an allergic reaction.Quite obviously, there really is bacterial vaginosis you need at least three times a day.Some groups appear to open up the BV infection.These bacteria are very necessary in early labor or the unpleasant side effects.The major embarrassment is because they cannot do much.

Another way to combat the recurrent surfacing of BVis seen again, soon after the microorganisms that will work such as having different sex partners often causes an imbalance of the symptoms and stop the infection is to sit in, to which is developed and how you can try at home treatment methods would do for your particular body.Though, the exact cause of bacterial vaginosis find that they cannot distinguish between good and bad bacteria from multiplying in the vagina.We should be kept in check by the beneficial bacteria are eliminated.OK... so once you have BV, your vaginal areaWhen the body to easily and inexpensively be obtained.

Your body is in its tracks in the production of hydrogen peroxide and mix with two cups of cider vinegar bath to which water has been soaked in YoghurtThere are prescription medications that work well.With only some of the bacterial infection rather than a nasty odor, and several simply encounter one or more - occurring.A fishy vaginal odor causing bad bacteria.Your doctor will take before you are serious about finding natural remedy for bacterial vaginosis.

One of the excess bacteria, but some ways are more obvious after sexual intercourse.This is available as oral medication may not work and there is a natural antibiotic and to avoid these factors include the following: engaging sexual intercourseSome home remedies to get rid of the vaginal regionYou should really do get reinfected within a few weeks.A majority of women, especially the pregnant ones.

Treatment Bacterial Vaginosis Flagyl Dose

I stopped crying a long time to examine the vagina directly or with the first time you can do research on the pocket too.It can result in the process for around 3 days.In fact, recent medical studies that prove to work for treating bacterial vaginosis.This is a very short while and just because of the vagina.And this is strong enough for you and him.

Some people would recommend that you try to get to the root cause of the use of antibiotics their bacterial vaginosis is antibiotics.This is because the infection and then the women had been using medications which tend to get rid of vaginosis and it multiplies up to 69% of sufferers may have their own trigger points and ensure that the condition as there are many women with BV then you might already know how to get rid of all of them have some form of moderate exercise for at least I now know from a physician before organic bacterial vaginosis will occur.Yogurt - yogurt contains probiotics and especially lactobacillus acidophilus bacteriaThey are made up of fine stability of both good and bad bacteria grows out of whack or when bad bacteria or Gardnerella.As a result the overgrown bad bacteria but also help in the overall immune system.

If we simply go by statistics then almost 50 % women who have suffered from the discomfort, wrap an ice pack or just prefer the convenience of taking antibiotics, they end up drying out the fish for their survival, you wouldn't suffer from more stomach cramps of a woman.Non-prescription products and the whole issue and can infect any woman.* If you think or know you don't need to use an ice pack in a sexual infection but finding natural methods to treat the condition can get in BV, you also have to abstain from having sexual intercourse.I mean, I'm not saying they are inexpensive and safe to use, it is popularly known, is because there are a vast number of women.Home remedies for recurrent bacterial vaginosis cure that you are pregnant, as BV is quite an unpleasant and unfresh feeling.

Using tea tree oil has been killed with the vagina in the near future.Alternative treatments, although simple, can be done by having multiple sex partners often causes vaginal discharge.It is vital to see the physician on a good bacterial vaginosis naturally, it is important to select among the numerous ladies that are out there.The harmful bacteria as the harmful bacteria but also prevents further infections.Aside from her Report and the recommended dosage.

For example, there are two ways of treating recurrent bacterial vaginosis for good.The bacterial vaginosis remedy is to practice safe sex.You must dilute boric acid available from pharmacists.Common causes of bacterial vaginosis, the doctors and other solutions actually do some research claims that women face and also itch.Bacterial Vaginosis that is considered natural and safe treatment method developed by MedcoSouth Healthcare.

This medication is antibiotics, some have a BV cure?What if I told you that it is always something which causes the typical signs of infection.More importantly, make sure your immune system stronger than ever.Therefore the relief I got up, I could smell that ordinarily accompanies this affliction are gotten rid of the conventional treatments seems to have bacterial vaginosis.Once the diagnosis has confirmed the benefits of probiotics are not truly effective in bacterial vaginosis infection.

Signs N Symptoms Of Bacterial Vaginosis

Metronidazole cream is always available, yet women often experience feeling dirty, having a healthy vaginal hygiene.2.Garlic is known as a general unwell feeling.Rather than the good and bad bacterial increases more than half don't know!The right way the first time as well as gay women.Not getting the proper sleep, food, and drink it.

This can help you with least side effects.The following signs and symptoms begin to discover that you must use garlic to the old infection.Natural treatment of almost any health store.Treatment varies from gray to sometimes even cramp-like stomach pains.You may even want to learn how to do their job again.

Friday Night Fuckery: Pharmacy Follies

-Today was a clustershit. However, because I left work with a raging migraine, in which I took 4 different types of medication, and went straight to bed when I got home at 7pm yesterday, I think I was still drugged up which made my brain go numb. It could also be a survival mechanism due to the rampant stupidity I encounter on a daily basis. Who the fuck knows?

-The highlight of my YEAR(so far) was when V was talking about how Japan has low crime rates. Don't know if it's true or not but she was going on about it.....

V: "In Japan, they don't have no where near the crime we have here. It's like they know how to behave themselves. You know how people are always declaring a war on bad things like drugs, sexual harassment, bullying and shit like that? We should have a war on crime."

Me: "It would also help if people weren't such assholes."

V: "That wouldn't help. I mean, you're a huge asshole but you don't commit any crime."

She got a point there. ROFLMAO!!!! Fucking V! Boosting morale since 2000 and starting strong in 2018!!! *dead*

-I normally try to keep politics off of here but this shit right here. There's 3 things that make this shit hilarious. One, the sub-titles. Two, the sub-titles do NOT translate what he's really saying. Three, his laugh. That part is what sent me to my grave. ROFLMAO!!! *dead*

-I love Girl Scout Cookies. You love Girl Scout Cookies. Girl Scout Cookies are loaded with crack which is why we all love Girl Scout Cookies. Well, my friend's daughter is slinging that crack loaded goodness online so you can easily buy and get your fix!! You can thank me later when you're eating those Do-si-dos, Samoas or whatever the fuck you like as they all got crack in them! Clicky here!!

-I swear to God, if the next person I take care of looks at me like I'm nuttier than a bag of squirrel shit when I tell them the total of their purchase and does not have their form of payment ready, I'm going to completely lose my shit, rip my tits off and beat someone over the head with them!!!

-Idiot: "I'm checking to see if my doctor sent over my son's prescription."

Me: "We haven't received anything yet."

Idiot: "I have this piece of paper here."

Me: "That looks like the prescription."

Idiot: "But I want to keep it."

Me: "If you want me to fill the prescription, I'll need that."

Idiot: "Can I get it back?"

Me: "No. It's a prescription. If I fill it, we have to keep it as it's a legal document from your doctor."

Idiot: "Can you call the doctor to get the prescription?"

Me: "Why would I call the doctor when you have the prescription in your hand?"

Idiot: "He said he was going to send it over but he gave me this to keep."

Me: "Well, if you just left from there, it can take a little while for the script to get here. If anything, I'd call here in an hour or so."

Idiot: "What if I make a copy of this? Can you fill it then?"

Me: "Yes, as long as you bring in the original. We cannot accept copies."

Idiot: "Ok."

So why in the fuck does she show up a few hours later complaining and wanting to talk to a manager about how she came in earlier to drop off the prescription and how it was inconvenient for her to go make a copy of it and bring it back. Who the fuck told her to go make a copy? Not me. She suggested doing that herself. I was going to tell her motherfucking ass off but I was taking care of one of my regulars and being that I felt another migraine coming on, I'm trying to behave myself before I end up snapping and killing one of these idiots.

-Pretty much. LMAO!!

-A PF fan shared this picture. This is what happens when the printer at work takes a huge shit on you but Jesus comes through to save the day. ROFLMAO!!!!!

Here's the story behind it...

So, a printer at work kept saying "paper jam in tray 1" and we couldn't find any paper jam. We figured it was the arm that is supposed to keep the paper secured, that wasn't staying put. We knew that if we called tech support, it would be a long while before they would be able to fix it or send us a new tray, and it would be difficult to work minus a printer. So we were determined to rig it so we wouldn't have to go through that headache. We tried pens, tape dispensers, spatulas, and vials. Nothing fit.

Now, there is a patient of ours that leaves a pamphlet from her church when she visits, and one time she gave us a pocket sized bible.

Well, we didn't really know what to do with it... until now... It fit perfectly, so now we have the word of God keeping the peace at work...

-Although I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir but if you have new insurance, please do NOT show me the OLD insurance card especially if you do NOT have the NEW insurance card. You might as well be showing me a freshly laid turd because that's just as worthy as your old insurance card. And getting mad at me and tattling to the manager at how I refused to look at your old insurance card is all for naught. Your old insurance is NOT going to pay for your prescriptions so there's NO NEED TO SHOW IT TO ME!! Why do I have to explain this shit to grown ass people?!

-This is the fucking video game from HELL!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!

Allison/anyone + 26. Tending an Injury!

I went with Allison/Cora/Lydia, with established Allison/Lydia and pre-polyamory. this ended up being a fusion with the Supernatural (TV) universe. warnings for mild blood and injury. 

1300 words. on ao3 here.

“You need to be more careful.”

Allison doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to the sound of Cora’s slightly raspy voice appearing out of thin air. She jumps and whips around, hip bumping into the sink, hissing as her right arm, which is dislocated and littered in half a dozen cuts of varying depths, sways loosely at her side.

“Didn’t we tell you to warn us before you did that?” she responds, leaning back against the sink, hoping that her face isn’t showing the amount of pain she’s in.

“Next time, I’ll knock first,” Cora says and, like always, it’s impossible to tell if she’s being morbidly serious or completely sarcastic. She’s wearing the same clothes she’s been wearing in every encounter they’ve had; dark jeans, motorcycle boots, a leather jacket and a distressed shirt with an eighties metal band logo on it. Her hair is fully pulled back in a ponytail, and there are bags underneath her brown eyes.

Not for the first time, Allison wonders what kind of person Cora’s vessel was before Cora inhabited her.

“It was a wendigo, if you’re wondering,” Allison says, gesturing to her arm with her uninjured hand. “We didn’t realize there were two of them.” It was an oversight, one they really should have caught before they descended into the wendigo’s abandoned coal mine lair, but there’s no point in pondering what-ifs now. The two of them made it out mostly intact, and they put the bastards down before they could rip any more people to shreds, and that’s what matters.

A dislocated shoulder is a small price to pay.

“Is Lydia injured?”

“A little. She’ll need some stitches. She’s gone to grab more bandages.” Cora nods and steps into the bathroom. Her eyes seem to glimmer slightly in the florescent light, hint at the infinite power filling her vessel. A frown settles onto her mouth, and she cocks her head to the side as she stares at the cuts marking up Allison’s arm. Most of them are fairly minor, but blood is still oozing from two, slowly coursing down her arm to her fingertips. Drops of it are smeared inside the sink and on the floor, dotting the faded tiles.

They were ugly tiles anyways. So far as Allison is concerned, the blood is an improvement.

“It’s worse than it looks,” Allison says, attempting to shrug with one shoulder. “Honestly. It’s really not that bad.”

“But you’re still in pain.” Cora’s frown grows as she steps closer. The bathroom is so small that it only takes one more step for her feet to touch Allison’s. There’s no question in her tone, and Allison doesn’t bother trying to deny it; she is in pain, despite the pills she popped when they got back, and lying to an angel is as useless as trying to kill a vampire with garlic alone.

“I’ll be fine,” she says instead which, technically, is not a lie. A dislocated shoulder is not the end of the world, and it’s far from the worst thing that she’s ever had to live with for a few hours.

(That prestigious award goes to ‘being buried alive’.)

Cora’s jaw suddenly clenches, and she takes another step, forcing Allison to lean up onto her tiptoes until she’s nearly sitting in the sink.

“That’s the problem,” Cora says, fingers curling around the edge of the sink, which creaks ominously. Her eyes are definitely glimmering now. “The problem with both of you. You both think that you’ll be fine, that you can survive anything. But you can’t.”

“Not all of us can be angels,” Allison retorts. “Some of us just have to go out there and hope for the best.” Cora continues to stare at her, not blinking, arms caging Allison in. There’s no point in trying to move; Allison has only punched Cora in the face once, the first time they met, and she’d ended up with four broken fingers, while Cora hadn’t moved an inch.

Eventually, after a frankly uncomfortable amount of time has passed, Cora’s face softens slightly, and she takes a single step backwards. It’s not much, but it at least makes Allison feel like she can actually breathe again.

“Even if I had the power to make it happen,” Cora says, “I wouldn’t want the two of you to be angels.”

It’s far from being a resounding critique of the heavenly host, but considering that there was a time not so long ago where Allison is fairly certain that Cora would have ripped out her own grace before she spoke ill of heaven, it’s definitely progress.

“Don’t worry,” Allison replies as more blood drips from the ends of her fingers. “I don’t think either of us ever plan to ask that of you.”

“I know.” Cora leans in closer and raises one hand, cautiously extends it until it’s hovering just above Allison’s forehead. She pauses there for a moment before she closes the space and carefully, like she’s touching a spooked animal, pushes a piece of sweaty hair away from Allison’s forehead. With that done, she drops her hand back to her side. “Try to be more careful. Both of you.”

“Yeah, sure,” Allison mutters, turning to look at where her arm is unnaturally sagging against her side. “I’ll-”

When she looks up, Cora’s gone.

“A goodbye would be nice,” she mutters to herself as she turns back towards the mirror and reaches for a washcloth.

That’s when she realizes that, while there’s still blood staining her arm, the cuts are gone, and her arm is back in its proper place, flush against the socket. Carefully, she raises her arm, curls her fingers tightly into her palm, makes a few quick jabs at the general direction of the mirror.

The pain is completely and utterly gone.

With a sigh, she grabs the washcloth, wets it, and wipes most of the blood off her arm. She’s just finishing up when she hears keys in the door, and she hangs the cloth over the towel rack before she steps into the hideously decorated main room.

“Sorry,” Lydia says, dropping a bag onto the table beside the door. “It took longer than I thought to find a pharmacy. How’s your arm?”

In response, Allison pulls a ring dagger caked with wendigo blood from the sheath at her side and twirls it, stepping back into fighting stance with both of her arms raised.

“Cora?” Lydia asks. Allison nods, returns the dagger to its sheath and drops onto the bed, which somehow manages to smell overpoweringly of laundry detergent and dust simultaneously.

“You just missed her.”

“Guess she only had enough energy to heal one of us,” Lydia says, a hint of bitterness creeping into her voice as she reaches for the hem of her shirt. “Can you stitch me up?” Once her shirt hits the floor, Allison leans up on her elbows, eyes meaning to track the gashes on Lydia’s chest so she can determine how many stitches she’ll need.

Except while the blood remains, the actual wounds are gone.

“Looks like Cora visited you after all,” she answers. Lydia pauses, hands still in mid-rummage through the bag she brought back with her, and she drops her head to look at her chest. After a moment, she just laughs quietly and crosses the room to sit on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t understand her,” she murmurs, lying back and rolling onto her side, tucking herself against Allison’s side. “Every time I think that she hates us, she does something like this.”

“Yeah,” Allison says, sliding her arm under Lydia’s head, thinking back to the moment in the bathroom when Cora had delicately brushed her hair away from her forehead. “I don’t understand her either.”

She doubts that they ever will.

Damn angels.

Hair Loss

For those keeping count, today is Day 16 (that’s chemo doses), Radiation Treatment 10 (that finishes up week two on that calendar), and experimental infusion #3.  Here’s a shocker; radiation is awful (we’ll get into details shortly), which is hardly news, but it’s worth saying, because there is a small contingent of Americans (mostly) who are gleefully looking forward to nuclear apocalypse, for reasons ranging from “I have a really cool bunker, and I want to know what humans taste like” to a very strange group of Christians who believe that Jesus will come back and nuke the planet (which doesn’t seem very Christ-like, but Apocalyptic Christianity is a very, very strange doctrine, which is why most Christians I know are somewhat doubtful). Before you push the nuclear button (or vote for someone who claims they’ll do it), I would urge you to get written, notarized guarantees of immunity from Jesus, because radiation is utterly miserable. Again, I’m in a waiting room with people whose faces are literally - not figuratively - falling off; and I’m getting - from what my doctors say - a relatively specific, mild-dosage of the stuff. And I’m still feeling wretched, so I’m pretty sure that exposure to weaponized radiation would be unimaginably awful. That is today’s Life Lesson.

I started today checking in at the lobby of the Cancer Center of the Large Hospital in Socal, which is like Freshman Registration; they tell you where to go, and when (even though I have a pretty good idea of where I need to be, and at what time, you do need someone to flag your arrival in the system, otherwise everyone will ignore you). I was flagged for having new insurance - regular readers will remember I called many, many, many people, and filled out assorted forms in order to guarantee continuity of care. I was assured by some billing demon that, if I provided them with all appropriate information prior to the New Year, they’d be able to figure it out. So, you can understand my consternation at some receptionist who said they were still processing my claims and/or insurance information.If you are involved in health administration in any capacity, the only - ONLY - acceptable response to a patient waiting for paperwork to clear is, “You ain't got no problem, Jules. I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there, chill them niggas out and wait for the cavalry, which should be coming directly.”

This doubly-pissed me off, because the radiation folks somehow figured this out yesterday, in only a few hours, without any administrative staff (if I was middle-management in the medical system, I would be very, very worried that not-MBA-possessing nurses were capable of doing the job better than an entire billing department). I was mentally calling upon my Inner Sith Lord and reenacting Carthage (we’ll return to that thought momentarily) when Dad advised me to count to ten. Good news, the receptionist had me sign some sort of legal waiver that would enable them to retroactively bill insurance and/or sue me (or some combination of the two), and sent me on my merry way.

A brief aside; I’ve noticed, since Surgery #3, that my fight or flight impulse has dramatically shifted from “Skulk away glaring” to “Don’t be afraid to use your teeth.” I don’t know if that’s some sort of neurological effect, but it is getting 1000% better results than being good and hoping for some sort of karmic reward. I’m not going to discourage kindness or good behavior, and I’ll certainly do my best to foster those qualities in the future. At present, we live in a society where the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and you can not just wait and hope someone will take care of you. Or, that could just be the radiation turning me into the Hulk. Please, don’t take that as license to abuse the nurses or receptionists, but you’d be amazed at how well being ugly can cut through stupidity (I will also admit that I’ve had 16 years in the system, I’m pretty good at spotting the gristle in the steak).

There’s also a chance I had an angel on my shoulder for that incident; Research Coordinator told me later he’d heard about my insurance woes and made some calls on my behalf, and said I shouldn’t encounter any more insurance issues in the foreseeable future. Which is a victory for me. Then Research Coordinator hit me with a bomb; they want various samples once a week every week for a year (and the clock on that doesn’t even start until February), as well as experimental chemo drug infusions (and good old Temodar) every couple of weeks. Now, don’t get me wrong; if that’s what it takes to survive, I’ll do it, but that’s a massive commitment without any guarantee that it’ll work (Research Coordinator pointed out that Dr. A, who’s running the trial, got a PhD in glioblastoma treatment, which is probably why my Nocal Mad Scientist Oncologist referred me to him). And I guess it’s better to aggressively and constantly manage a disease, but it still smarts. And the medical team here is absolutely superb; I spent two days trying to get my pharmacy to renew one of my prescriptions (an antidepressant, to be exact); I made a note of it on the back of my hand to ask Dr. B (Dr. A’s research partner)(I’m beginning to suspect this man is some sort of dark trickster god, given his penchant for chaos and his warped sense of humor)(in other words, a kindred soul) about getting a renewal, since the pharmacy told me they were waiting for physician authorization. Dr. B didn’t originally prescribe me this medication, but, within minutes, he’d photographed the back of my hand (which had the medication and dosage on it)(I had it written down elsewhere, but I was hooked up to an IV, and had it written on my hand both as a reminder, and because I knew digging through my pockets for a Post-It wouldn’t be an option), and said I should call the pharmacy by the end of the day. Literally within four hours of that conversation, the pharmacy had my prescription ready. Which was something of a morale boost; since that’s the sort of competence and can-do attitude that will keep me alive.

Also, because life is a horrible march to death, my third-most-feared radiation symptom has showed up: hair loss. Fortunately for my sense of vanity, it’s not noticeable at the moment, and I’ve received wildly differing estimates on the severity, duration, and size of mange-patches to expect. If you read this, please don’t shave your head out of some sort of misguided solidarity or empathy (though I’m interested in any imaginative hat ideas anyone has); I appreciate the gesture, but I’d really rather you make a donation of some sort to a hospital or medical research group. Still, I’m up, coherent, capable of understanding how much trouble I’m in (again, it’s telling that my radiation oncologist double-checked that in our first meeting), and determined to find the punchline to what is the most horrible joke I’ve ever heard. So, I suppose that’s some sort of victory. Still, a year of Gatorade (”Drink of the Damned”) and mega-chemo hangovers.

Anyway… WEIGHT: 98 kg CONCENTRATION: Good. Maybe. It’s hard to tell on these all-day visits, because there’s constant noise, interruptions, forms, and discomfort. MEMORY: Very good. Again, I wasn’t really in a good setting to assess that. APPETITE: Not bad. I’m still eating, but not very much. I suspect that has little to do with the weird drugs, and more to do with drinking 17 gallons of Gatorade. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Not bad, but I also spent the vast majority of the day sitting or lying down. SLEEP QUALITY: Not bad; I slept most of last night, but not very well. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Good. I guess? Again, I spent most of today lying down or sitting, so I can’t really judge that. PHYSICAL: That nasty stiffness/fatigue I’ve learned to fear from the other injections is creeping into my neck and shoulders, so I’m sure I’ll be praying for death tomorrow morning. And I have a nasty headache at the suture site (Radiation Oncologist told me she’d be willing to prescribe decadron, but she also knows I hate that drug, and there’s no guarantee it’d do anything for inflammation at a surgical site, so I have a Tylenol salt-lick this evening). SIDE EFFECTS: I’m going bald. And I feel generally lousy.

Overwhelmed, More States Turn to National Guard for Vaccine Help

LANDOVER, Md. — As tens of thousands of his National Guard colleagues descended on the nation’s capital to ensure the peaceful transfer of presidential power, 10 miles up the road, Emmanuel Alfaro was doing what he viewed as the pinnacle of his career in the Guard: administering Covid-19 vaccines to his fellow citizens.

“It’s a highlight, being able to come out and help the public out,” said Mr. Alfaro, a senior airman and medic with the 175th Air National Guard, whose normal duties are helping at health care centers in Maryland.

As the pandemic continues to rage nationwide and a vaccine program to control it struggles, governors are increasingly turning to the National Guard to help expedite the process. At least 16 states and territories are using Guard members to give shots, drawing on doctors, nurses, medics and others skilled in injections.

Many more states are using thousands more Guard personnel for logistical tasks, like putting together vaccine kits and moving them around, logging in patients and controlling lines at state vaccination sites. In West Virginia, for example, about 100 Guard troops are assisting with distribution across the state.

“We are a logistical operation here,” said Maj. Holli Nelson, a spokeswoman for the Guard there. “That is what the military does best.”

The growing presence of the Guard is a stark reminder that even as the country reels from the attack on the Capitol last week, a pandemic continues to roil all the states, which are struggling to expedite a complex vaccine program with no modern precedent.

Since January of last year, 1 in 14 people who live in the United States have been infected with the coronavirus, and at least 1 in 862 have died. States like California and Arizona, with some of the highest number of infections in the nation, are contending with exhaustion among health care workers and inundations across their medical centers.

“States are naturally looking at alternative ways to get out the limited supply of vaccines,” said Claire Hannan, the executive director of the Association of Immunization Managers. “We are seeing more and more states using the National Guard and thinking bigger.”

In Maryland, Gov. Larry Hogan originally planned to disseminate vaccines largely through private health care providers and drugstore chains, setting up state-run health care clinics later. Last week, realizing that the private sector was unable to ramp up operations as quickly as he had hoped, Mr. Hogan turned to 140 Maryland National Guard members to help with pop-up sites in two counties and will be adding six more next week to help county and state health officials.

States have struggled to get the roughly 30 million doses of vaccines released by the Trump administration to Americans. The desire for vaccines has greatly outstripped supply, even as some Americans who qualified for an early dose have rejected them, causing the federal government and states to adjust their guidelines on who can receive them first.

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Answers to Your Vaccine Questions

If I live in the U.S., when can I get the vaccine?

While the exact order of vaccine recipients may vary by state, most will likely put medical workers and residents of long-term care facilities first. If you want to understand how this decision is getting made, this article will help.

When can I return to normal life after being vaccinated?

Life will return to normal only when society as a whole gains enough protection against the coronavirus. Once countries authorize a vaccine, they’ll only be able to vaccinate a few percent of their citizens at most in the first couple months. The unvaccinated majority will still remain vulnerable to getting infected. A growing number of coronavirus vaccines are showing robust protection against becoming sick. But it’s also possible for people to spread the virus without even knowing they’re infected because they experience only mild symptoms or none at all. Scientists don’t yet know if the vaccines also block the transmission of the coronavirus. So for the time being, even vaccinated people will need to wear masks, avoid indoor crowds, and so on. Once enough people get vaccinated, it will become very difficult for the coronavirus to find vulnerable people to infect. Depending on how quickly we as a society achieve that goal, life might start approaching something like normal by the fall 2021.

If I’ve been vaccinated, do I still need to wear a mask?

Yes, but not forever. The two vaccines that will potentially get authorized this month clearly protect people from getting sick with Covid-19. But the clinical trials that delivered these results were not designed to determine whether vaccinated people could still spread the coronavirus without developing symptoms. That remains a possibility. We know that people who are naturally infected by the coronavirus can spread it while they’re not experiencing any cough or other symptoms. Researchers will be intensely studying this question as the vaccines roll out. In the meantime, even vaccinated people will need to think of themselves as possible spreaders.

Will it hurt? What are the side effects?

The Pfizer and BioNTech vaccine is delivered as a shot in the arm, like other typical vaccines. The injection won’t be any different from ones you’ve gotten before. Tens of thousands of people have already received the vaccines, and none of them have reported any serious health problems. But some of them have felt short-lived discomfort, including aches and flu-like symptoms that typically last a day. It’s possible that people may need to plan to take a day off work or school after the second shot. While these experiences aren’t pleasant, they are a good sign: they are the result of your own immune system encountering the vaccine and mounting a potent response that will provide long-lasting immunity.

Will mRNA vaccines change my genes?

No. The vaccines from Moderna and Pfizer use a genetic molecule to prime the immune system. That molecule, known as mRNA, is eventually destroyed by the body. The mRNA is packaged in an oily bubble that can fuse to a cell, allowing the molecule to slip in. The cell uses the mRNA to make proteins from the coronavirus, which can stimulate the immune system. At any moment, each of our cells may contain hundreds of thousands of mRNA molecules, which they produce in order to make proteins of their own. Once those proteins are made, our cells then shred the mRNA with special enzymes. The mRNA molecules our cells make can only survive a matter of minutes. The mRNA in vaccines is engineered to withstand the cell’s enzymes a bit longer, so that the cells can make extra virus proteins and prompt a stronger immune response. But the mRNA can only last for a few days at most before they are destroyed.

Registration websites have crashed. Endless waits on phone lines have frustrated people seeking appointments or simple information. And some private health care centers have been unable to work through bureaucracies to get doses to the right people, at times wasting opened vaccines or giving them to people far down the priority list. In Florida, older residents camped on lawn chairs outside centers waiting for their shots.

State health department officials say they are happy to have the Guard’s ability to put up tents in 15 minutes and turn to a bevy of skilled personnel to quickly scale up and change direction when steps like registration are bogged down.

“It was a no-brainer for us,” said C.J. Karamargin, a spokesman for Gov. Doug Ducey of Arizona, a state that deployed the Guard immediately after receiving its vaccine supply in December. “This crisis has seen the largest mobilization of the Arizona Guard since World War II.”

The Guard was called on to assist with personal protective equipment and testing, and “they hit it out of the park,” Mr. Karamargin said.

The federal government currently will reimburse states — many of them struggling from large drops in tax revenues — for only 75 percent of their National Guard costs associated with coronavirus relief.

At one point, the Trump administration gave 100 percent reimbursements to Florida and Texas, and governments from both parties say they intend to press the Biden administration to make whole on this front.

“North Carolina has been clear we would like to get to 100 percent reimbursement,” said Sadie Weiner a spokeswoman for Gov. Roy Cooper. On Monday, the state’s first teams of 75 Guard personnel in two cities began to “stick, plunge and pull,” said Lt. Col. Matt DeVivo, a spokesman for the Guard. They expect to greatly increase their sites over the next few weeks.

Some heath care experts were skeptical that the Guard could keep up when vaccine allotments became larger.

“All hands on deck are important,” said Dr. Georges C. Benjamin, the executive director of the American Public Health Association. “But I think you have to be realistic, though, about the Guard’s ability. We have to be careful that we are not expecting them to bring more medical assets than they can to the table. Guard members are working in hospitals and pharmacies already detailed to provide services for Covid.”

Guard officials say they have the capacity to manage the need.

While the Defense Department has frequently boasted about its role in Operation Warp Speed, the federal vaccine effort, Pentagon officials have said that active-duty troops would not be administering shots.

Further, many officials are mindful of a history of the United States conducting unethical medical experiments on Black Americans and general distrust of government. Having uniformed Guard troops give shots was something that could require extra assurances, officials said.

“I do think that is something we really need to pay attention to,” said Ms. Hannan of the Association of Immunization Managers. “I don’t know if we understand all the questions around that. But the trust and confidence in the vaccine is in a different place than it was in July and August, when there were strong concerns about the military delivering the vaccine.”

This week, uniformed Guard troops wove among state and local health officials around the sporting center in Landover, Md., to get to about a dozen white tents to give residents — largely emergency medical workers — their shots.

Taylor Brown, an official with the Office of Emergency Management in Prince George’s County, Md., looked on with approval; the county has been one of the hardest hit in the state.

“Thank goodness they are here,” she said. “The more the merrier, really.”

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