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bloodynereid · 6 months

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Hey!

I watched Gen V and fell in love with Jordan x Marie, so I was hoping to request a piece between them. it can be pretty much anything haha sorry for the lack of imagination, I trust you’ll do it justice regardless. If anything, however, I’m a whore for angst with a slide of fluff or smut🤭 thank you so much in advance for considering my request!

Brewing Love

pairing: jordan li x marie moreau

tw: cursing, mentions of horrible professors, nothing else really

description: marie is in desperate need of a place to write her term paper in... and she find the perfect little cafe owned by the one and only jordan li.

a/n: hii tysm for ur request <3 hopefully this is something that you were looking for since you gave such an open prompt lol, i didn't really do much angst and i don't write smut at all really so i'm hoping and praying this is still enjoyable to read. limoreau has my heart and i might make a part 2 to this someday.

(they both look so hot here i'm not okay)

Marie was stressed out. Her term paper was due in two days and she had barely drafted a plan yet. Usually she was better at dealing with assignments, for goodness sake she usually got them finished the day they were assigned! But this one assignment slipped by her for multiple reasons:

1. She hated the professor teaching it.

2. Said professor explained the paper horribly.

3. She was busy as fuck.

Now Marie was struggling with what most seasoned professionals call a “writing slump”. Honestly Marie was surprised she hadn’t completely burnt out by this point but this situation was not going to make the paper write itself. And so… she continued to procrastinate in a multitude of ways, which may or may not have included reading fanfics of her most recent obsession. By the time she had finished reading something that would probably be considered a novel the sun was already dipping behind the Performing Arts school that Marie’s window faced. Well shit.

Marie realized that she desperately needed a change of scenery so at least half of this paper could be written out tonight. That meant having to find a good enough cafe close to campus since she knew that the library would be packed full of students in the same situation as she was right now. As she packed up her laptop and notes, she tried to find a good cafe with wifi. Key-word: tried.

She spent a whole ten minutes scrolling through student forums and Google Maps until she finally found somewhere decent… a place that was even owned by a God U graduate. So she quickly grabbed her headphones and started walking out of campus in the direction of ‘The Woods’.

A loud guitar solo was blasting through her headphones when Marie pushed open the door to the beautifully decorated cafe. She stared in wonder at the multiple lights that hung from the ceiling adorned with vintage lampshades as well as the huge variety of plants and greenery that decorated the place. Oh she had definitely made the right choice.

Slipping off her headphones and dropping them into the opening of her backpack Marie fixed her shirt and walked up to the counter. She waited for one of the other customers, a tall blonde dude she vaguely recognized from God U. The guy was directly talking to one of the baristas behind the counter who had a little name tag that read: ‘Andre’ and was decorated with random sketches.

“Andre stop fucking flirting! We have an actual customer that’s not Luke.” A velvety voice yelled out from behind one of the fancy coffee machines before a figure stepped out and Marie stood dumbfounded. How could one person look so fucking stunning?

“Sorry man.” Marie was brought back to Earth as the voice of Andre cut through her haze. Shit when was she last attracted to someone this much? Probably never.

“Nah it’s good, Cate’s probably waiting for me. This place has the best coffee by the way.” The blonde guy, who Marie knew was called Luke now, said as he turned and gave her a wink before he walked off with two cuts filled with matcha.

“Flattery isn’t going to make me forget Luke, but you actually paying would. Hi, sorry about th-” The barista yelled at Luke’s retreating back before they focused back on Marie. Jordan felt their jaw drop open as the person in front of them smiled sheepishly with a little twinkle in her eye.

“Uh you okay?” Marie asked as her smile dropped into a more confused expression.

“Yes, yup, sorry. Long day. What can I get you?”

“I actually have no idea, do you have anything that’ll get my paper written for me?” Marie asked as a laugh left her mouth. Jordan immediately thought that she had the nicest laugh she had ever heard. It was like the congruence of dozens of instruments.

“Unfortunately not, who do you have as your professor? I may be able to help, I graduated only like 2 years ago so I should be able to give some pointers.” Marie smiled in gratitude as she leaned onto the counter, getting closer to Jordan in the process.

“Powell.” Jordan let out a low, agonized groan as their face twisted in disgust.

“He’s still around?”

“Unfortunately.”

“God, that man is like the worst professor in history.”

“Totally agree. Uh, I’m Marie by the way.” Marie said as she extended her hand which Jordan promptly shook, they immediately took note of the slightly raised skin in the center of Marie’s palm.

“Jordan. Nice to-”

“Oh and who’s flirting with customers now, huh?” Andre teased as he walked back out into the main counter area and sent a cheeky smile to Marie.

“Fuck off Andre.” Marie let out a laugh at Jordan’s annoyed tone when she realized she was still holding their hand. She almost felt unable to pull away from the easy warmth that emanated from them. Then almost by magic Jordan’s hand slightly changed before her eyes and she glanced up to see that Jordan had shifted, only for them to pull their hand away from hers in favor of pushing Andre.

“Oww okay fine whatever, I shall stop your highness.” Andre exclaimed out as he retreated to the other cash register. Jordan turned around and stared at Marie for another second before a smile reappeared on his face.

“Sorry about that, no idea why I hired him.”

“It’s cause I’m the best, obviously.” Andre chimed out, making Jordan send him another poisonous glare which softened the second they looked back at Marie.

“So have you decided what you want?”

“Coffee I guess? That’s probably the only thing that will get me through this.”

“Actually… would you mind if I recommended something else? It was my tried and true fix when I was in the same boat as you.”

“Oh my god, you would do that?! Yes, please I will take anything.”

“Okay great, go ahead and set up anywhere and I’ll have Andre bring it to you.”

“Cool, how much do I owe you?”

“Nothing, you’re a first time customer and you look like you desperately need it.” Plus you’re too fucking pretty for me not to want you to come back soon - Jordan added in their head.

“I- thank you.”

“Of course.” Jordan flashed Marie a smile as she turned and walked over to one of the tables.

“Oh you’re so fucking gone for her.”

“Shut the fuck up Andre.”

i love their dynamic sm omggg

#gen v #limoreau #limoreau fanfic #jordan li #marie moreau #sam riordan #emma meyer #cate dunlap #andre anderson #cate dunlap fanfic #gen v fanfic #gen v fanfics #maria's random stuff #jordan x marie #mariejordan #jordan li x marie moreau

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mindmeltonabun-blog · 5 months

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My Demon: Theories and Analysis for Eps 1-6

Hi Readers!

Let me start this post by saying what I originally wrote was just deleted after I hit the "save draft" button on Tumblr. I'm so pissed because I had spent hours working on this post!! For those who have followed my blog for a very long time, you know I usually provide a very in-depth analysis of dramas.

Given what just happened and time constraints, I will keep this post very short. I may make mini posts next week to further elaborate on some points discussed here, but it just depends on if I have the time.

If you have any questions, please feel free to hit the "ask me anything" button and I will try my best to answer them promptly. I hope "My Demon" fandom won't be as toxic as the "Alchemy of Souls" fandom and misuse the "ask me anything" button to send me death threats or insults. If you don't like what I write, you can simply scroll along. The end. Also, don't plagiarize my shit. This was a huge issue during AOS and I really didn't appreciate it at all. If you want to use my ideas, give me credit for them.

Ok, let’s put on our thinking caps. Time to analyze and theorize!

Demons

In the context of this show, “demons” are individuals who used to be human but are now forced to fulfill human wishes in order to keep on living forever. The terms are simple: humans get their deepest desires fulfilled but will die in 10 years and go to hell. For demons, as long as they sign new contracts and collect souls, they won’t combust and be wiped from existence. It remains unknown how often demons must sign contracts/collect souls before they start to combust. Before demons were loan sharks, they were guardians of humans.

We start this drama with Jeong Gu Won, who has lived happily for the last 200 yrs as a demon. Gu Won has no recollection of his human life. We don’t know if this aspect of Gu Won is something present in all demons or just him. Gu Won’s perfect little world is turned upside down after he saves Do Do Hee from Rash Dude aka Jeffrey Dahmer. Now, we don’t know why his tattoo was transferred to Do Hee but it’s implied the full moon and water had something to do with it. If you have read other posts of mine, you will know that when there’s a full moon it usually means a transformation and a new start. The whole falling into the water could be viewed as a sort of baptism, symbolizing the end of an old life and the beginning of a new life. I feel like before this show ends, Gu Won and Do Hee will end up in the water under the full moon again to symbolize Gu Won’s full transformation into a human. Like right now he’s like a quasi-demon haha. His transformation into a full human is currently ongoing. I think that as he starts to develop more human emotions/remember his human memories, his powers as a demon will begin to decline.

Gu Won’s Past Life…A Story of Crime and Punishment

One thing I’ve learned from analyzing many dramas over the years is when a writer shows us a book or mentions a movie, we should look into them if we want a glimpse into what will happen in a drama. Now in Ep 1, you see #2 Wild Dog reading, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoevsky which was hilarious because he didn’t strike me as the type to read such a dense piece of literature. Seeing this book took me back to my high school days when we had to read and analyze this book. For those who don’t know, Russian works tend to be very long and are usually about suffering haha.

For the sake of time, I’ll you a very brief overview of what happened in “Crime and Punishment”. The story begins with a law student, Rodion Raskolnikov, who quits school because he can’t afford it anymore. The guy then has a mental breakdown of sorts and decides to kill the elderly owner of the pawnshop and her half-sister. He justifies his actions by rationalizing that by killing the pawnshop owner, he could take the valuables within her pawn shop and use them to fund his education which would eventually earn him a well-paying job. In turn, he would use the money earned to benefit the greater good.

Raskolnikov saw himself as an Ubermensch (if you don’t know that means, I had briefly talked about it in my DAYS posts). He believed that since he was above everyone else, he was allowed to cross all societal, ethical, and moral lines because his success would help the greatest amount of people. The rest of the novel is about Raskolnikov’s internal struggles with what he did. He goes back and forth between confessing or not confessing to the murders. Eventually, the love interest in the story, Sonia, a devout Christian and source of morality for Raskolnikov, convinces him to turn himself in and confess. Raskolnikov ends up only having to serve a total of 8 years in a labor camp for the murders. While there, he finally realizes the errors of his ways and feels guilt for his past actions. He then was like “Sonia’s love saved me and I feel bad for making her suffer so when I get out, I’m going to repay her with infinite love for all she has done for me”. And bam! That’s where the story ends…with the start of his journey toward redemption haha.

Gu Won is Raskolnikov in the sense that he thinks he’s better than everyone else and can therefore cross any line he so chooses. Based on a flashback in Ep 6, it seemed Gu Won had this kind of mindset even before he became a demon. So, what crime did Gu Won commit that landed him in Hell in the first place? I wouldn’t label it so much as an actual crime like murder but Gu Won probably got Do Hee’s past self killed. The guilt he felt after her death is probably what led to him become essentially trapped in a mental Hell, much like Madam Ju. Eventually, this guilt prevented him from entering heaven after he died. God/Lady probably took pity on him and offered him salvation in the form of becoming a demon; alternatively, it could be that God/Lady offered him a "sweet" contract where he could work as a demon in exchange for a second chance and a happier life with Do Hee in the future. Regardless of whatever the case may be, the important thing is that Gu Won needs to remember what happened in his past so he can seek forgiveness from Do Hee in the present and start his path toward redemption much like Raskolnikov. The truth sets you free haha. Gu Won is taking a step in the right direction though by protecting Do Hee. He could be like Raskolnikov and choose to give Do Hee infinite love for the rest of his life to make up for the horrible things he did to her in the past haha. Oh, one more thing for this section, the tattoo being on Do Hee’s wrist could symbolize that she was the reason why he became a demon in the first place.

Murders of Do Hee’s Parents and Madam Ju/Who Is Abraxas

In my original post, this section was long, but as I previously mentioned, the stuff I wrote was deleted. I’m just going to give you the overall gist of it. I still think the person who killed Madam Ju was Ju Seok Hun and that the person who killed Do Hee’s parents was Madam Ju’s little brother/Seok Hun’s father. I don’t think Madam Ju directly killed Do Hee’s parents, but she felt guilty for their deaths because she covered up the incident to protect her little brother. After which, she cut him off and exiled him to Peru to live a hippie life haha. This is completely speculative though. Like we have two choices for who murdered Do Hee’s parents and Madam Ju. Choice #1 is Noh Suk Min and Noh Do Gyeong and Choice #2 Seok Hun’s father and Seok Hun. One argument I made for choice #2 is that if Suk Min and Do Gyeong were the real killers, wouldn’t the actor who played Do Gyeong be a main lead instead of a supporting character? Another argument was that Seok Hun has too many conflicting qualities about him. For example, he is a hippie who works in the corporate world and despite portraying a goody-two-shoes image, he suggests Do Hee should engage in some ethically questionable business practices like letting Mirae Investments buy shares of Mirae F&B to offset the losses.

It’s also important to remember what Do Hee said about “sweet” things and how they’re always fake (except for Gu Won haha). Seok Hun is faker than acrylic nails. He puts on an act that he cares about her well-being when in reality, he hopes she dies. He must continue with this nice guy act because he doesn’t want her death to lead back to him. Just think about some things for a moment, if Do Hee died, who would the police suspect killed her? Would it be the people who openly voiced their disdain for her or the person whom she had a loving relationship with? It would be the former. The scene with Do Gyeong at the lockers is essentially Seok Hun setting him up to take the fall for Do Hee’s murder. At the end of the day, human greed is what drove Seok Hun to do what he did. Who knows, maybe his greed stems from being subjected to a frugal lifestyle while growing up.

Crosses, Numerology, and Tarot

Amen, we are nearing the end. Ok, let’s keep going at record speed. So, crosses and Catholicism/Christianity are heavily present in this show. The same goes for numbers and tarot. They’re all connected. Some religious crosses can look like an “X” which looks like the Roman numeral 10. The number 10 is everywhere in this show. For example, the little girl was celebrating her 10th birthday and the Wheel of Fortune is the 10th tarot card in the Rider Waite Tarot Deck. Connecting numerology with tarot, the wheel of fortune represents the end of one journey and the beginning of another…1 + 0 = 1, where 1 symbolizes completion.

The clock in the promotional poster has a hand pointing at 10, which is different than the clocks seen at Gu Won’s place that only go from 0-9. While we are on the subject of 9, “Gu” means nine. Every time Gu Won started a new life, he named himself the next number following his current one. For example, he was Il (1) Won, then I (2) Won, and so forth. Now in his 9th life, he is called Gu Won. Get it? Ok, cool. What comes after 9? 10. After Gu Won completes his transformation into a human, he will be called Sip (10) Won haha. Additionally, did anyone notice the number 91 on the cake Do Hee baked for him? What’s 9+1? 10.

Pay attention to the numbers in this show people! Always ask yourself what each number means and what it's connected to haha. When God/the Lady said, "I’m betting on all the odd numbers", many were like what does that mean? She’s referring to the numbers on tarot cards (Rider Waite Deck), which represent Gu Won and Do Hee. For example, which cards represent them? For starters, the 15th card aka the devil. 1+5=6 which is the lovers card. Another odd-numbered tarot card that is representative of Do Hee and Gu Won is the 9th card which is “The Hermit” because let’s be real here, they both were hermits before they met each other. The last major arcana tarot card in the deck is #21…THE WORLD aka GUARANTEED SUCCESS. So this is what God/Lady meant when she said she’s betting on all the odd numbers. It’s the writer’s way of telling us we are going to get a happy ending after all the chaos that will occur.

One more intriguing number is 17. If you sniff around, you’ll notice that 17 is the number of years that have passed since Do Hee’s parents died. 17 is also the number of the coin locker where Jeffrey and Seok Hun exchange stuff. Hilariously, Gu Won’s passcode to his safe is “666”, which is the number of the beast/devil haha. In the newspaper clipping about the Sunwol Foundation, it said the theater was completed on June 7, 1977 and Gu Won’s name during that time was Chil (7) Won haha. The number 7 is seen as lucky in Korean and many Western cultures.

MISC

The cross necklace Gu Won wears probably belonged to Do Hee’s past self or was given to Gu Won by Do Hee…..OH I just made another connection…..In “Crime and Punishment”, Sonia gave Raskolnikov a cross necklace. Also, in Crime and Punishment, Sonia was a prostitute and Do Hee was essentially one during the Joseon dynasty…. Kisaeng and prostitutes are basically the same thing haha. It’s also interesting that both Gu Won and Do Hee wear two necklaces, one silver and one gold. I wonder if there’s any meaning behind that.

In the newspaper clipping about Sunwol Foundation, the term 'Sun/Seon' is written in hanja and translates to 'to return/come back.' This element was part of Gu Won's original name, Yi Sun/Seon. Additionally, 'wol' means moon. Therefore, I interpreted 'Sunwol' to mean 'Sun and Moon' or 'Moon That Returns.' In a broader sense, Sunwol can be likened to the Taj Mahal—a building or monument constructed in memory of a beloved. One could also view Sunwol as a place that narrates the love story of the Sun (Gu Won) and the Moon (Do Hee) or as a place built with the hope that Gu Won’s beloved moon would return one day.

Ok, folks, that concludes this very brief TA post. WOOHOO! Sorry if there were any grammatical mistakes or typos, and if this post seemed a bit disorganized. I really have to get to bed and didn't have time to edit this haha. See you all next week maybe!

#my demon

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doomsday-dj · 11 days

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Hello! So as you (hopefully) know I am a huge fan of your work & I have been working my way through all your fics on ao3 - which has just been an absolute delight. This is gonna be a bit tangential, because I am a very long-winded human, but I've been meaning to ask (if you don't mind sharing) what led you to the decision to leave academia?

I intended to take a Gap Year which has now led to a 4-year break, and I'm really hesitant to return to that world. My undergrad had an Honors Program that allowed me to work throughout my 4 years to complete a thesis project, and while that was an awesome experience, hindsight has led me to a lot of conclusions about elitism and the looking-down upon/ gatekeeping that is so present in those circles. It's really just turned me off to the idea of trying to re-integrate myself into that world, which is something I've been weighing as of late.

So, in your experience, did you find that academia just stopped filling your cup, or did you have a particular experience that led you to take a step away?

I just adore your writing style, and may leave you a comment one day just going off about how much I adore your prose and sentence structure, but I really feel that tug to fan fiction where it's almost a compulsion instead of a decision that you described with Rizzles. So, yeah lol- I hope the question isn't too rambley? Just very curious to know your thoughts.

I definitely know you're a fan but if I say it's unclear will you tell me more flattering things? Just kidding... Unless? No, but really, thank you. It's really just super fucking special to hear it every time. Thank you for loving my prose and sentence structure. :)

As to your question, I was reading it like, "you seek to know…...about ME?" I think this is my first non-fan fiction ask. So I have a BAH and an MA in a humanities discipline that shall remain nameless. I spent four years seriously pursuing a PhD and an additional year just going through the motions and bleeding the remainder of my funding dry. I wrote a draft of a dissertation that my very accomplished advisor was mostly disappointed with. The reasons why I left academia are actually many. Buckle up. It's important to mention that I was in academia not just to get a PhD but with the intention of then teaching in my discipline, so a huge reason was the lack of jobs, particularly if I wasn't willing to relocate to any dumb town in North America that might offer me a tenure track job. My wife's career is such that there's only a few cities she can work in, so one of us was going to have to make a change. She already had a career so it made sense for me to be the one to reroute. Importantly, I also had virtually no desire to live in the USA, and that's likely where I would have ended up. Another reason is that I am a terrible procrastinator and living my life with something ALWAYS looming over my head was slowly killing me. There was always something that I should have been working on. My whole life was being lulled into a tenuous relaxation and being jolted out of it by all the things that I had to do. I now work in a job where, for the most part, I leave it all there when I go home and am able to actually relax. Here's a big one: I didn't really love it. Not the supposed "real" work, anyway: writing papers to submit to journals and writing books that you will then force your students to buy which will represent the entirety of your profit from writing the book. I did genuinely, truly love teaching. I don't know if you can tell from the way I'll talk for fucking ever (LIKE RIGHT NOW), but I love being the smartest person in a room and I loved explaining concepts to students and watching them clue in. I loved luring them into my word traps like fucking Socrates and then blowing their minds. I really really really did love that part, and I was very good at that part. But you know what? In my discipline, people mostly think that part is incidental. The glory comes from getting into journals and writing books and giving keynote speeches at conferences and writing snarky objections to other people's work. Teaching is the thing you do in between that to pass the time. I hated that. This speaks to your concern about the elitism and it's a very real thing.

Also, because I liked teaching and because I cared about my students, I started to feel like I was part of a multi-level marketing scheme: in order for me to have a job I needed students to keep paying out their fucking asses to go to university and get saddled with debt for a degree that wouldn't really help them much. I struggled a lot with students who would come to my office hours, unable to get the material because they really shouldn't have been in university but felt pressured to be, or overworked because they had a full-time job on the side, or devastated because the university was throwing all kinds of arbitrary and stupid road blocks up for no other reason than to make this a Thing That Is Hard To Do, and it was really weighing on me, morally.

Finally, writing a dissertation is just really fucking hard, and I had the kind of project where I was dealing with a moving target. I had really keyed into the zeitgeist of my tiny corner of the discipline and I was working on an idea that was really exciting and a lot of people were all suddenly working on the same idea which meant that every fucking month it felt like a book or an article was coming out that scooped my whole damn project. I kept having to change what I was ultimately trying to accomplish because someone would go ahead and publish something where they did what I had initially set out to prove. And because I didn't love it enough, it grew too exhausting, and so I dropped out. Honestly, there's so much more that I could say. But I think those are the pillars of the decision to drop out. If you ever want to talk more about your own decision, feel free to message me. I'm always happy to talk to someone who is trying to figure out if the academic life is for them. Just edited to quickly add something crucial: I loved doing my MA. It was a fantastic experience, I had a truly great time doing it. I also loved all my PhD coursework. I loved going to class. It was once all that was over that I fell out with academia.

#ask doomsday #about real life things!#god I didn't even touch on department politics and what a fucking mess that is

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therottenkingsreckoning · 17 days

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Here it is, the chapter for which the whole story was named! Really had fun writing this, I'm having fun with all of them.

Don't be surprised if future installments take the teensiest bit longer to get done- I'd had a rough draft for these four going in, but everything past it will be brand new. Will still try to get things done as soon as I can- I'm excited to share what I've made, just as you're probably excited to read it!

~Little Flame, Chapter 4~

It took several more minutes to convince Eddie that his mate really wasn't sick, and a few more days trapped in the house to convince other folks that they were. But when Julie called them up excitedly asking if Frank felt ok enough to come by for lunch, how could he resist? She was their best friend after all!

So, off they went, and soon Frank found himself at Sally's theater, happily listening to the two girlfriends chatter away.

"It must be natural lighting this time," the star declared. "Candlelight if we may. Harsher stage lamps just won't do for the mood!"

"Forgive my saying it, but I'm not sure I trust you around open flame," Frank half-joked.

At this, Sally spun around, dramatic finger in his direction before turning it on herself. "Francisco, darling, I am open flame! If my set hasn't burned down by now, then surely a few measly lights won't pose a much greater risk."

"You've let us help you light menorah candles too," Julie chimed in. "Why would that be allowed and this isn't?"

Frank rolled their eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "That's different. I'm there to watch you then, and make sure you don't hurt yourselves."

"So you can help us now!" Sally said assertively, stamping her foot down close to them. So close, in fact, that he could feel the intense heat her presence naturally gave off, and they had to admit she was right before. If her natural starborn radiance hadn't caught things on fire by now, nothing would.

"Will you help us Frank? Please?" Julie pleaded.

Frank looked from the star to the monster and back, finally letting out a groan as he flopped backwards onto the wood of the stage. "Fine!" They grumbled, far too exhausted these days to even try arguing. "I suppose I can help you."

The next hour was spent getting candles together from each of their houses and those of their neighbors, along with the various cups, jars, and vases that fit the collection. In the end, they had 34 small burning lights, set up to test their effect in the darkest back corner of Sally's backstage.

"I will say, this looks good," Frank said, bending to light the last candle. "You're right Sally, the warm tones feel...cozy."

"Of course!" the star beamed. "You should know you can always rely on my genius in matters of art!"

Julie walked up to her, giggling, and placed a small kiss on her cheek. "It's what I like about you. You're smart, funny, really pretty-"

"Alright stop!" Frank shouted playfully, "before she gets any more of a big head about it."

"You're jealous."

"Am not."

As he watched the two wandering off to make props, both were practically gleaming (one literally so.) It made Frank smile. After all they'd been through, here they were, happy lives so full of love for each other. Julie and Sally, Wally & Howdy, Barbie with her lovely boyfriend & Poppy with both of her girls.

He & Eddie, and the beautiful child they'd soon welcome home. Looking at the flickering, soft candlelight, their hand gently rested over his belly, heart full of contented joy. "I'll have my own little flame to take care of soon," he thought to themselves.

A gasp. He turned to see them both staring at him wide-eyed in shock, and Frank's blood ran cold.

He hadn't thought it. They had said it.

And now she had heard.

Moments passed in a razor-edged silence between them, mere seconds that felt like eons, and then Frank cleared his dry, raspy throat. "I-I didn't..."

Julie was the first to speak, a few gentle steps towards them & words spoken softly even though he could tell she was vibrating with contained emotion. "Frank? You're...you're pregnant?"

Their hands flew up now, one in his hair and the other making desperate attempts to wave off her comment. "D-don't be ridiculous Julie, I can't-"

"Hey," Sally spoke up now, equally awkward as she fumbled for the right words to not upset him. "I-It's alright dear, I...already knew about that. Or...I'd had my suspicions at least."

Frank stared into her eyes, anxieties scanning them for any possible sign of judgement. But there was none, only quiet and warm reassurance, solid ground on which to stand. "You didn't say anything?" To which she merely shrugged. "It's not my place to say. You'd tell us when you were ready to."

A barely compressed squeal shot out of Julie now, finally breaking the thick atmosphere. "Oh, but is it true? Is it really real that you're having a baby my guy???"

Frank could hug her right now. And they did, holding tight through the dizzying drop in his blood pressure. He was laughing, nerves and relief tangled up together in their head. "Yes, yes. It's...a few weeks along now, I think."

The rest of the afternoon was spent in excited chatter as before, his friends offering all the congratulations, questions and advice they could muster and to which Frank felt comfy responding. As they said their goodbyes, sunset bathing the trio in the same lovely glow as before, a soft rumble of laughter rang out from the door.

"Guessin' they know about it too now, huh?" Eddie asked, stepping out to embrace his partner.

"Yes," Frank replied with a chuckle of his own. "Sort of slipped out when we were testing the candlelight for Sally's play."

"Candles?" Eddie raised an eyebrow at that. "Don't know if I trust her around open flame."

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armeenix · 1 month

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Unwanted Desires

CEO!Erwin smith x New secretary!Fem!Y/n

So I've had this series idea called unwanted Desires about CEO Erwin who owns a research business and y/n who was recently hired as his new secretary and the *unwanted Desires* that start to arise, but since I dont think I really have the motivation to write a whole long story like that I at least wanted to try and make a little short story from it! Maybe In the future I'll be able to start the full story. This short story will probably be a few posts long, maybe.

So yeah enjoy!

-----------------------------------

The last couple of months have been hectic to say the least. You've gone from a happy woman with an amazing boyfriend and job, to a woman who is hungry for revenge on both her boss and her ex boyfriend....And who is also crashing at an ex co-workers house. A little context is definitely needed.

About 4 months ago you had a simple and amazing life. You had an amazing paying job at Market research corporation, an amazing boyfriend, and a lavish apartment that you lived in with said boyfriend! You're boyfriend's name was Zeke Yeager, who also happened to be the owner of Marley corps! Now I know it seems like a bad idea to date your boss (it was) but he was just so....erm charming?

I mean sure he didn't pay you nearly as much as other companies would/should but hey he payed you in other ways. (those ways weren't too good either if you catch my drift) And sure he could be extremely controlling and toxic at times, but it was only because he cared about you so much! (You can see how delusional you were now) He was just so perfect in your mind and nothing could ever make you think otherwise....

Well I mean nothing could have ever made you think otherwise before.

"Before what?" You may be asking. Well thats a sore subject. Not for me though, just for you lol! Everything was going great until one evening when you and Zeke arrived home from work. You had gotten out of the car and began walking towards the lobby when you realized that he wasn't following behind you.

You curiously walked back to the car amd knocked on his window. "What y/n" he said in an agitated tone. "I uhm, I just wanted to see why you weren't coming inside with me?"

"Not that it's any of your business but, I'm going out."

At this point you could tell that he was losing his patience, and trust me when I say that when Zeke Yeager loses his patience it gets real messy real quick, so Instead of asking anymore questions you took a deep breath before nodding. You look back at him and gave him the best smile you could muster before speaking. "Okay..be careful baby. I'll see you when you get back."

You leaned into the window in hopes of getting a quick kiss goodbye but instead he turned his head away, before pressing play on the cars panel. His music began to loudly play as he quickly pulled out of his parking spot, leaving you standing there in shock.

"What the fuck...?"

* * *

The rest of your night was spent with you watching Netflix while eating some Chinese takeout. You tried your best to get your mind off of how Zeke had acted just a few hours ago but your thoughts just kept coming back to it.

Had you done something wrong? Or maybe it was that something had happened during one of his meetings today? Or maybe you had messed up one of the documents that he had asked you to finish that day? Not knowing was killing you! But the worst part was that zeke wasn't answering his phone. You knew for a fact that he was on his phone because everytime you sent a message he left you on fucking read!

After hours and hours of no response you gave up. If he didn't want to talk to you then he wouldn't have to. At least not until you got a proper apology. You knew that wasn't gonna happen any time soon but a woman can hope can't she? (No. No she could not.)

*Ding*

Your heart fluttered with hope as you picked up your phone only to see-

"I'm not coming home tonight."

.......

Draft: "Fuck you."

You didn't send it. Who would have thought?

End of part 1 😋

I hope you guys enjoyed this lol

#aot fanfiction #erwin smith #shinjeki no kyojin #snk fanfiction #zeke yeager #aot x female reader #y/n #aot x reader #fem y/n

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sincerely-sofie · 2 months

Note

The finishing of this fanfic has left me with some pretty mixed emotions. On the one hand, I dont want it to end. It's such an incredible piece of work and even though I finally committed to reading it a few weeks ago, it already feels like such a significant part of my life. On the other hand, I'm a little glad that it's over. FAR from the sense it was bad (I'll steal your liver if thats how you interpret it) but moreso in the sense that it was like a good crying session. It's something that a lot of us (or I assume a lot of us) typically want to avoid even though we know its good for us, and satisfying after the fact. It's like catharsis in a way. Endings aren't always a great feeling in the moment, but it's something that we can look back on with a fondness.

I'm so glad I found this work. I'm being completely serious when I say that this fanfic, and the other content you make, has changed my life for the better. Its helped me reconnect with that love I have for creativity after nearly a decade of not making anything even though I wanted to. It's helped pulled me out of a few ruts of depression. It's helped me realize that I'm not actually emotionally stunted (per my own conclusions) and be more willing to cry instead of burying those feelings. In the past I would just, kill these kinda thoughts before they got far because of how much I wanted to avoid crying. Much less actually writing them down, or express them to someone else. But now, I've been crying the whole time I write this, and for the first time in, I think ever, I'm okay with that. I know we don't actually know each other, but you've genuinely helped me become a better person with the things you make. Thank you so much for everything you've done Sofie. hey look! I got your name right!

But enough about me. I feel like it's getting indulgent at this point. (I've gotten dehydrated with how much ive cried writing this and from what I can tell, you cry a lot more than I do. So go drink some water first, and then) I wanna hear your thoughts. What are your thoughts and feelings about your work being finished? Do you have plans to take a break from creative endevors for a while, or are you gonna keep going? Are you going to be expanding more on this and other au's, different fanworks or move into something completely your own? Whatever the case may be, I'm excited to see what more you are going to come up with!

From the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of everyone else, Thank you for everything.

It's so surreal to have posted that final chapter. I finished the first draft almost 100 days ago exactly, and I spent a number of days after completing it kind of adrift. I'd go to my computer every morning like I had during the month prior and sit down, ready to write, only to remember that I was actually supposed to be taking a break before I made the final edits. It didn't click in my head that I had actually done it… until a couple weeks later when it hit me like a truck that I had an entire completed manuscript sitting in my Google Docs. I think I was making myself lunch at that moment, and I had to bolt to lie down on the floor and put my legs up against the wall because I was ready to pass out at the realization.

This feels pretty similar. For me, The Present is a Gift— the main fanfic, at least— was finished in mid-January. But the process of uploading it and agonizing over what people thought of every passing update wouldn't be formally done until about 3 months later. It still hasn't clicked in my head that I won't be posting a new update once Tuesday rolls around.

On the subject of taking a break— I've actually been taking a break, at least partway! I've barely written anything after I finished TPiaG's first draft, and I haven't drawn much “serious” art, for lack of a better word, since I started my blog. I've still been making things, yes, but scattered oneshots and sketchy pieces without solid lineart are not my typical fare. I'm usually a lot more “exact” with what I make— words fail me here— I hope I'm not being too vague! I might take a brief break as I finish up the winter semester, but that would be less a break from creating and more of an “OH MY WORD I NEED TO FOCUS ON NOTHING BUT PASSING THESE COURSES” kinda thing.

TPiaG (along with its derivative AUs) is still very much a living project to me— there's a lot more stories the characters have in them, even if I struggle to envision a full-on sequel. I'm absolutely going to answer the asks relating to it that I've received over the months along with any I continue to receive, and if I get any ideas for comics or oneshots here and there, I'll make them. As for what's officially next up on the Sincerely Sofie menu, I'm planning to make a visual novel that's a lot more meaty than the last one I made. I'm not sure if it will be original or based on TPiaG— but a visual novel is the medium I'm planning on!

I'm so overwhelmed by your kindness. I truly don't have any words. This project started off as something private to help distract me from a depressive episode and to process trauma, and it's become so much more. I'm so glad it was able to help you. Catharsis was the keyword for TPiaG— I wanted it to uproot difficult emotions and help people start to heal from them, but I never dreamed it would really help anyone but myself. So to hear it was able to provide you with that is unbelievably meaningful to me.

I gave myself the goal somewhat recently to let myself cry whenever the urge strikes me. I used to go months without crying, and whenever I did shed tears, it was alone in my room while muffling the few sounds I accidentally let slip. I'm a natural crybaby, but I had schooled myself into thinking for a number of reasons that it was bad to cry— that it was selfish, or attention-seeking, or weak— so I've been trying to reclaim my teary-eyed identity. It's been difficult, but it's so freeing to let myself feel things fully. All of this is to say: let the tears fall. I've helped more people by crying than my stoicism ever did.

Thanks again. I can't properly word my gratitude, but know that it's overwhelming :,>

#sofie answers asks #the present is a gift au

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justsome-di · 9 months

Note

How have you managed to update neud every week?

It's a combination of a lot of things!

How To Manage Schedules for Long Project

Advice by me, someone who has done this once and is totally an expert (/sarcasm)

Write in advance

Get a lot of the writing done before you start posting anything. For NEUD, I wrote the whole of draft one, then edited it to get to draft two which meant filling out every section that was incomplete, adding/removing chapters to make the plot move fairly well. Draft three is what's available now. I spent a week working on a chapter and then it gets posted on Friday (I worked ahead to get all of draft three up on Patreon early, so I'm not in this editing process anymore, but this is what it was like for a while). It's not impossible to write a chapter from scratch before each upload if you're on a weekly schedule, but you'll probably be battling burnout and you won't be giving yourself much of a safety net for any issues with the plot/writer's block/etc. This advice might seem kinda obvious, but I did try writing as I was uploading on a now-abandoned project, and it wasn't great! This also helps you stay motivated even if you're not getting notes/comments at first (and you may not). You'll have it all written out and all you have to do is press post.

Be okay with it not being perfect

There are a lot of parts of NEUD that I'm not happy with. But if I had waited for NEUD to be up to a grand, golden standard--it would have never made it online. Publishing a web novel, imo, allows for more amateur mistakes. You don't have an editing team like you would at a publishing house. Especially with a project like NEUD--a romance novel--I felt a little less pressure. I wasn't writing War and Peace. I want it to be good, but I tried not to be too much of a perfectionist. And the thing is, you're going to be unhappy with parts that other people really like. You're seeing your work in a different way than your readers. There are parts of NEUD that I honestly don't like, but it's one of those things that it just has to be done. A bad chapter doesn't make a bad book. Just try making sure there are as few grammatical errors or spelling mistakes as possible. You can use software like Grammarly to help catch mistakes you're inevitably going to miss.

Plan ahead and pace yourself

Make out your schedule before you start posting. Think about what days work best for you. Write down what dates you'll post on a little in advance and don't try tackling your schedule in one night. It'll take time to plan how you want to execute everything. I made a mistake here! I wish I hadn't chosen Fridays to post! I work every other Friday, and my homework is always due on Fridays. There would be other days that worked better for me, and in the future, I'm going to consider that for upcoming projects. You can also use queues or scheduled posts to ease the workload if you have chapters ready in advance.

Take breaks

Go on hiatus every now and again. Take time to relax and work on other hobbies. This is important especially if you have other commitments like school or a job that gets busy at certain times of the year. If you're using Patreon, you can suspend payments a month at a time.

Don't get discouraged

Disclaimer: not that many people have read NEUD. But I really am appreciative of every single person who has let me know they read it because I really wasn't expecting anyone to look at it at all! Projects posted online are often overlooked and get buried under the mountain of WIPs everyone is working on. Having someone read your project is a big honor because they're volunteering their time and attention! And everyone is busy, so really even if one person is leaving a like--that's a huge accomplishment! I don't buy into the "likes don't do anything" mantra that started being spread on this site. Likes are important! They're cool! Enjoy your likes! Reblogs don't guarantee that more people are going to look at your thing, honestly. Of course, reblogs are neat because they do raise the chances of your project being seen, but I also don't think anyone is entitled to having their project reblogged. People can post whatever they want on their blogs. If they don't want my amateur project there, that's fine! But I also understand when you've poured hours into something and you get about three notes. It feels bad. But don't let it get you down. Sometimes it just takes a while for people to find your project or find the time to read it. You never know if someone has the link open in a new tab on their laptop or is following your blog, waiting for more chapters to be uploaded so they can read a substantial chunk later. Just because something didn't get notes in the first hour that you posted doesn't mean it'll never be seen by anyone ever again. I know a lot of times that's how social media is made out to be, but you should never feel like you've lost an audience because you posted when people are sleeping/working/just not on their phones.

That's all I can really say :) Just stay positive and think ahead. It's not an easy thing to do but if you just set aside time once you're done writing and get your ducks in a row, you should be able to manage it bit-by-bit.

And mini self-promo, you can check out Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs every Friday on this blog, on Wattpad, AO3, or my Patreon (where chapters are made public every week).

Check it out if you'd be interested in a romance about a sex worker and a client who met through a prank, now fake-dating as revenge against the men who set them up.

#writblr #writeblr #writing advice #original writing #creative writing #web novels

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imjustanasshole · 2 years

Text

I was just sitting here, studying, and listening to my funny little gay byler playlist when my funny little gay brain had an idea for a funny little gay scenario so I'm going to explain it because there is no way I'm gonna be thinking about this all day on my own.

So we all know that Mike wants to be a writer, right? I'm assuming that's like an established fact (no idea if it's 100% canon but idgaf, it's canon). And as a fellow writer apprentice I know for a fact that the first thing you have to learn is to write in all four literary genres (drama, fiction, nonfiction and poetry), and then when you find the one you're most comfortable with you look into the subgenres and usually find one (or two) and kind of stick with it (this is not always the case but it's the most usual).

Right, so you may be wondering why the fuck am I ranting about my special interest instead of just getting to the point but bear with me dear.

I imagine that Mike is probably more inclined to fiction, and inside that either fantasy or sci-fi (because of the whole being a DM thing, which involves A LOT of fantastic writing and plotting), but he still tried other styles because why not? It's not like he can really experiment with anything else in his life, so might as well. When El and Will moved to California my boy probably had way more free time than before, and I'm guessing he started writing more to distract himself.

So he suddenly found himself writing poetry. About nothing in particular, a few of them were about saying goodbye to the summer and welcoming autumn, in others he romanticised random moments, and there were some that he just shoved on the bottom of a drawer in embarrassment when he realised what he was doing. But he had never told anyone about them.

Writing letters to El was easy, like everything with her, they were all organised and simple to read since it was still kind hard for her. He always knew what to write to her about: how was everyone doing, the begging of the school year, his teachers, a lot of 'I miss you's... And asking about Will, he always asked about Will. He found it easier than directly writing to him, since every single time he tried to his mind went blank after "Dear Will".

One afternoon, after recklessly neglecting his best friend for weeks, he decided that enough was enough and promised himself that he wouldn't get up from his desk until he had written a letter to Will. And so he started to write. He spent hours and hours writing and erasing and scratching words, using multiple pieces of paper, saving some and throwing others away, extremely focused. So much that he didn't even hear his mother calling him at dinner time, Nancy had to go up and knock on his door, which made him snap out of his trance.

"Mike, dinner!" She yelled from the hall.

He went down and ate with his family but couldn't concentrate, he wanted to make sure the letter was good, Will deserved at least a decent letter. So as soon as he was dismissed he ran up stairs and locked himself in his room. He suddenly realised he had blacked-out completely and didn't remember essentially anything that was on the papers, so he grabbed what at the time he had considered the best draft and started reading through it. He was shocked. For a moment he thought he was accidentally reading one of his practice poems, but soon realised he had never wrote one titled "Dear Will", well, now he technically had. It was line after line of poetry, describing the feeling of missing Will with metaphors and comparisons such as how the trees miss their leafs on winter. 'You're my summer, Will' he had written on the third page 'I long for you like I do for the flowers on winter'.

What. The. Fuck.

By the time he finished reading through everything it was already past midnight. Mike was speechless. He kept staring at the letter as if hoping that it would change the content on its pages.

He couldn't understand. He had never had any trouble switching back from poetry when writing to El, why was it different with Will? Why did he write him a poem?

Then he abruptly came to a realisation.

"Oh no." He mumbled to himself getting up from the floor. "No, no, no." He staggered towards his desk, landing on his knees. He pulled out all his poems from one of his shelves and he scattered them on the floor. "Oh no."

All of them were about Will. Of fucking course.

The place were they met, their sleepovers, old campaigns, his old house in Hawkins, his drawings... Even the poetic description of an "imaginary person" was just a written portrait of Will.

Mike's whole body went numb. How could it be? Is this even a coincidence? Was Will his muse?

"No." He said, a little louder than intended, and he threw all of it to the trash. He wanted to scream and cry and burn it all.

He just decided to go to bed and never think about it again. But of course, things are never that easy for Mike Wheeler, aren't they? Through his head echoed the question 'Is Will my muse?' Over and over. He knew one thing was true, that letter was one of the best things he'd ever written. Could he even call himself a writer after throwing away his best work?

He groaned and got up from his bed, then he rescued all the crumbled pieces of paper from the trash can and hid them very deep inside of one of his drawers. All would be well if he never wrote a letter to Will ever again. Yes, that's it, that's the best solution. The only solution.

Yeah so, that's it, I didn't plan for this to be a whole ass one-shot, just a little thought, but now it's done so thanks for reading!!!!

I thought this could be a cute explanation for why Mike didn't write to Will and heard about him through El instead, but it's just an idea.

edit: I had to go through this again a day after and I changed some minor things (mostly just orthography), I think it's better written now. anyway thanks to everyone who interacted, you're all so nice :')

#byler #stranger things #st #mike wheeler #will byers #NOT A THEORY #just some scenario #byler angst #kind of #st post season 3 #st pre season 4 #byler letters #i was just listened to music #idk where this came from #im very tired #i invested 1h on this #i didn't go over this #so the orthography is probably ass

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silvermaplealder · 11 months

Text

Okay so by request of @gothamslostboy I'm going into my rampage about how due to greed and the desire to mass produce (like cutting out artists by using AI generated things) we lose important knowledge and whole trades.

I went to college and accidentally studied agroecology. My main focus turned to oxen, which is a term quite a lot of people don't even know today. So to start, oxen are working cattle that are 4+ years old. Working steers are anything younger than 4 years that are training to be oxen. I was given the opportunity to raise my own team in college. These were my boys:

Working steers/cows and oxen were a vital part of life for thousands of years. We've been working alongside these gentle giants for countless generations, and yet now you never see them anymore. I'm certain you've seen horses pulling carriages, or people riding horses, but oxen and working cattle were used for these purposes too. Horses are much faster than cattle, but they are more flighty and are very expensive to care for. Oxen on the other hand are slower, stronger, and tend to be more docile. And we can't forget that we get a majority of our dairy products from cattle.

So... what happened? The Industrial Revolution happened. Before the IR, all cattle were considered triple purpose: beef, dairy, and draft. Though now, if you say triple purpose you'll get a few laughs. "Dual Purpose" is the new term because draft isn't used anymore, at least not in the US. With the demand for greater production in the late 1700's, there became two different types of cattle: beef and dairy. Horses could outspeed oxen any day in a field. There became a steady decline of the 'family milk cow' which were also used for draft work. Farmers turned horses for working fields while using beef and dairy for production.

And then we lost the horses too once the tractors came along. There had been so much development in various equipment for oxen to make them more comfortable. People spent their whole lives working with these animals. They passed their knowledge onto their children. But with changing times, oxen weren't the best suited to keep up anymore with the demands. Even now, dual purpose breeds are becoming rarer and rarer.

If you look up oxen yoke makers in the US, you'll only find a handful. Older folks who are still trying to pass on the tradition. If you look up oxen harness makers in the US, you'll find 1. Just one. Otherwise, oxen folk now have to rely on making everything themselves or refurbishing old equipment. You know there used to be oxen shoers? Like horses, oxen used to wear shoes. Good luck finding someone to shoe your ox. It's almost impossible now. In a recent survey, some states said that they didn't have any farmers left that use oxen, or even own oxen. Though this can't be confirmed due to many folks that may not have had access to the survey.

With dwindling interest, and the constant loss of folks with the knowledge, oxen working in the US is almost unheard of. You'll find it at living history museums still. Some county fairs in the North East still have oxen pulls. There are some organizations that are still trying to preserve the knowledge, but access to land and equipment becomes harder and harder for younger folks.

This is the fate that other trades face. As artists are being pushed away by AI generated things, there will be a loss of talent. Techniques will be lost. Styles will be lost. It might not be our generation. But it could be the next. Or the one after that.

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nsk96 · 1 year

Text

So, everyone, I'll be away for a while. Just thought I'd let you all know before someone thinks I've disappeared hehe :3

The upperclassmen and a professor at my school has warned our class that this semester is going to be extremely difficult. After the brutal exam I had today, I realize that I will have to drastically cut back on my social media use, almost like going on hiatus.

What happened, was that yesterday was a critical period where I was supposed to study the majority of the material for today's exam and instead, I spent most of the day glued to social media (and getting snacks🤡). I took a step back and wondered why on some days it's so easy for me to spend less than 5 minutes on social media, while most days it's impossible to pull away. I noticed it's because when I'm stressed and/or depressed, I get sucked into the endless scrolling. Like, it just feeds on that shit.

Since this semester is going to be nothing but a stressful and depressing mess for me, I will have to stay away as much as I can. That means no scrolling through Tumblr, Reddit, nor Instagram. I'll still visit to finish up my fan fic, Spicy Water, and try to clear out my drafts. I still got 931 left 💀. There are some of you whose fan fics (and fan fic suggestions) I have yet to read, and I intend on doing that during this period since reading is one way to maintain my sanity in the absence of social media.

But just know that I love and appreciate you all and you will be on my mind during this period. Feel free to message me any time, though my response time may be a little slow. You’re always welcome in my inbox (I’m also on Discord if you prefer: nsk#9480). Stay safe, stay hydrated, stay awesome 💙💙💙 @uncontrol-freak @kg-clark-inthedark @starsharks @rottenheartedchild @rurifangirl @a-chaotic-dumbass @anonymousgeekhere @deephumanoidduckdonut @spoopy-fish-writes @kikicocobell @koisheep and anyone I may be forgetting at the moment😭

As many of you already know, there's a lot going on in my life (personal rant. Skip this next part. I got too carried away but don't feel like deleting anything right now):

A cluttered home (because moving into a smaller home where my bedroom storage is cut in half and I now have to store things in my room that I'm not supposed to store in my room, but have to because my mom and I fear they'll be tampered with)

Living in a constant state of paranoia and fear with a narcissistic dad

Living with a mom who always has to remind me of things I don't want to be reminded of at the most inconvenient times (past issues, new issues, constant issues, and some things just too TMI that got me thinking like, "yeah, I didn't need to hear that before breakfast. Thanks. Now I've started my day on a depressing/or mildly disgusted note")

My mom's health not doing so great

My own health not doing so great (both mental and physical)

Falling behind on class lectures

Those two girls on my team who love to cause trouble for me on group projects

Overload of homework

Pharmacy rotation that takes up a whole day out of my week and drains the life out of me

Wanting to write fan fictions and my novels but not having the time or health to...so now it feels like my soul is dying. I don't know how else to describe it. When I can't write or even daydream the stories I want to write, I feel like I'm withering away.

And to be honest, the debilitating loneliness I feel. Wanting to love and be loved (romantically) and not having the time nor mental health to handle it. And the guy I'm interested in, seems so far away. Like, I want to get to know him better but he's on my team and it's all 'business' and he probably wants nothing to do with me after our team mentor had to call a meeting about our team's toxic dynamics (the meeting was called because me and another girl told our mentor about the toxic crap those two girls were doing). He seemed irritated and after the meeting didn't really talk to me directly much. Maybe I'm overthinking it. That's a big problem with me: I don't talk enough to people, I just stand there and think too much. And just...none of the guys I'm interested in ever seem interested in me. After my last breakup, it feels like the magic of finding out that your crush has a crush on you too, ended for me in 2019. Then there was this one guy my school friend introduced me to. He literally looked me up and down with a scowl or something. I don't know if it was the way I was dressed or what (I know some people hate anything that even remotely resembles khaki pants). Or it could be that I was taller than him (considering that I'm now finding out that a lot of guys are uncomfortable with their height😥). To put it into context, I'm 5'3" (160cm). I want to think it's my overall appearance but my appearance hasn't changed much in the past few years. Let me not get too much into that before my people-pleasing tendencies resurface.

Honestly, there’s just a lot of negative feelings and thoughts coming to my mind. I wish I could live on my own just for a little while until I have myself figured out. Unfortunately I can’t afford it. Balancing a job and pharmacy school isn’t doable for me because I need all the study time I can get. Just want to grow as a person but I feel so stifled living with my parents. I can’t even be out past 7pm apparently? My mom freaks out and wants to call the cops if I don’t reply to her texts within like 10 minutes. Considering her background and the crazy shit happening in the U.S., I understand but geez, give me some breathing room. I don’t know what changed…it wasn’t this bad when I was in undergrad. It was bad just not this bad. And this from the lady telling me I need to start thinking about dating and look around. How am I supposed to go out with a guy if you expect me to text you every 30 minutes now??? I was out with a female friend last weekend and my mom was freaking out so much. Texting, calling, and she even drove up to where we were when I didn’t answer her call. I don’t know what to do. My first step right now would be to get in contact with a therapist and look for apartments so that I can make a plan. Then look into financial resources. Hopefully I can do all that without my dad finding out. I feel like if I can get us away from him, she’ll feel so much better.

#pharmacy school adventures #tw narcissistic parent #tw mental health #mental health #mental breakdown #mentally tired

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gildedmuse · 1 year

Text

Hey, I thought I might start with an introduction. This is my latest rough draft of my next All Hearts chapter.

I'm posting this for two reasons:

1. To prove that I'm still alive and writing.

2. Because I actually am still alive - there were a couple of moments where that was on the rocks - and while I know I've been horrible at updating this fic it's always on my mind. I'm always thinking of it, even after weeks spent in hospital. And, okay, maybe I just posted because I need some reassurance that some single individual out there is still reading it. Maybe I just wanted to prove I wasn't dead, despite what it may seem. Maybe I'm hoping All Hearts still has a fan out there and this little start to the next chapter might make them happy.

I mean, go on and judge me for being an attention whore or whatever, but you know what!? This attention whore is still alive! (Barely)

All Hearts

Chapter IX Surgical Incision (Part I, incomplete)

The midday sun passes over Amazon Lily with a leisurely, almost inattentive and lazy amble. Perhaps without packs of clouds bustling by and the wind not pushing and shoving for the whole day to get a move on and take that warm feeling of safety with it, the days don't feel so rushed along. They have time to linger, the way the sun is now. Just hanging over them, beating down on them with its undiminished heat.

Down at The Gulf of Women, the only spot on Amazon Lily her majesty queen of the pirates (and probably a list of other titles Law quickly tuned out) would allow them to dock (Ikkaku and Beluxa had rejected further invitation, sticking with their crew) even with the sea right there, the air is still. Occasionally on a whim the smallest of breeze will barely brush at the grass beneath their feet, stirring it ever so slightly, but as if with the purpose not to disturb it in any meaningful way. Instead, it only adds to the perfectly serene atmosphere of this island in the middle of the calm belt.

The weather might have been nothing out of the ordinary for the Amazons, but it's not entirely unfamiliar to the Heart Pirates, either. They knew this eerie stillness, the harshness of the sun watching down, waiting for the show to begin. Its sunbeams danced off the placid, mirrorlike surfaces of the untroubled water, and while the weather itself may not show any sign of changing, every North Born pirate can imagine the way the air and sea must begin to churn.

There is a storm brewing out on that windless, waveless little corner of the Blues. A dark, dangerous storm unlike anything the calm belt could possibly be prepared for, and every second it waited under the tranquil scene of Amazon Lily's more clouds and destruction started to take form.

"How can that be all you have to offer me?" Law stands in the center of his crew who, having seen their fair share of Northern storms, knows when a what could be your normal everyday ice and darkness sort of affair can just as easily flip a switch and suddenly turn into a full on natural disaster. One they had no intention of seeing themselves caught inside.

Silvers Rayleigh, right hand of the Pirate King and one of the most legendary names of all the seas, also kept some space from

--------

"You mean to tell me." The crew glances over at their captain before sharing an anxious look among themselves. They definitely didn't want to raise the suggestion that Law get angeried with the legendary pirates, but the calmness in Law's demeanor somehow fails to reassure any of them. "That the man they call the dark king is little more than a victim of good luck?" Law's eyes flash as he looks up to meet the old man's curious gaze; the first lightning bolt that gives warning to the oncoming storm finally building up and ripping through the sky. "Not even my own crew was sure where we would end up with Mugiwara-ya bleeding out in our ship."

"You clearly knew where the boy would end up, one way or another." Law doesn't make the claim with the same sort of cocky attitude he might have used only a day or two earlier, he doesn't have the luxury of such confidence now even when it would appear he had Rayleigh pinned down with the facts. Because the old man could still refuse to answer his question, in which case it doesn' matter if Law caught him in a lie or not, it wouldn't get him any closer to finding Zoro. "It's doubtful you decided to swim to every island down the Grand Line and Calm Belt until you could find a single pirate without even being assured he would still be alive."

The old man flashes Law a bright smile, brilliance never wavering not even when it collides up against the aggressive chill that accompanies the Northerner the way a curse might wrap itself around a sword, or a first mate follows alongside their captain. With no flashes of warm gold and vivacious green always in the corner of his vision and with the natural warmth no medical text could ever completely convince the young doctor isn't just the result of growing up under took much sunshine and warm weather, Law's own aura has turned cold, acting as a shield against even Rayleigh's good nature.

It reminds him in no small way of back when he'd been a child, how the pale spots spreading across his skin had ensured people kept their distance. He'd liked that space, he hadn't wanted anyone to try and get too close. He'd become more comfortable when it was just him and death circling around, like a strange suit of armor protecting him from the consequences of his own reckless violence, from any potential future at all.

The all too familiar fit of this shroud brings along with it all sorts of memories. Memories that Law has spent years with their teeth nearly sinking into his heels, but every time he loses focus and glances back, there is the sharp and fearless smile of a kid so reckless he'd set sail across the North Blue with a rowboat, three swords, no map, and no hesitation. With Zoro-ya watching his back, Law only ever had to look forward, and now isn't the time to lose that focus.

There are other smiles forever captured in Law's memories, but if he lost focus now, Zoro would become just like them. A memory, something Law could hold onto, could swear on, but could never get back. He can't let go, not yet.

Something in Rayleigh's own smile, it makes Law's hands turn whiter than Amber lead syndrome, clenched so hard at his side. He honestly isn't surprised to find the old man so lighthearted that he could smile without shame or worry; his crew is long dead. It probably brings him some kind of joy, having that closure while Law has nothing.

"You'd be surprised," Rayleigh replies, pulling his arms over his shoulders until there is an audible pop. He doesn't stand, not at first, just plays as if he's stretching out, like he might go jump back in the sea and swim another 100 leagues just for the exercise. "How far these old bones can take a man."

Slowly, the Dark King rises to his feet. He walks closer with a confidence and ease that creates almost a physical push. Law stands unmoved, but behind him he can feel his crew stir. Do they move back, respect the man's space? Should they lean in, giving him all the attention he's due? And all this time he approaches them with a smile, a harmless facade.

And a gleam to his eyes that Law recognizes well. He suspects any pirate with his bounty would know what it's like when the enemy is sizing you up. "Of course, it helps to know where you're going."

"Oh, no! But Zoro ne- owe!" Without looking back, Law can sense the commotion as Shachi and Lummiko both desperately try to keep Eland quiet. Law just breathes. He doesn't blink, he doesn't lose his focus. He can't afford to, this is no time to stop looking forward.

"Though I suspect someone with your reputation. You always know where you're going," Rayleigh adds, and Law knows when he's being mocked. He isn't about to just stand here and let this man, no matter how infamous among the four blues, tell him- "After all, it takes vision to watch the war unfold and to sail straight into the mess."

"Zoro-ya was with that crew when Kuma sent them all away," Law argues back, as if this is some kind of a debate. What is the old man actually looking for, staring at Law like that? Hasn't he made it clear why he's here, why he had been there to save Mugiwara-ya in the first place? It's not somewhere Law would have just gone for fun! Not unless…..

If Zoro had been there, if he had still been where he belonged, with the crew, it might have been a sort of adventure, getting that close to all those big names. All those figures of legends, nightmares, tales and whispers. Law could have taken Zoro along, pulled up to watch the carnage, the excitement. The boy would have wanted to jump right on, reckless thing he is, but that would have been expected, what with all those shichibukai right there. He's far too young, he didn't have a plan for it yet, but no doubt his Zoro-ya would have wanted to let such an opportunity go to waste.

It would have taken Law with his arms around the boy's shoulders. Law leaning into the smaller boy, holding him back like a leash, his weight against Zoro helping to keep the boy in place by reminding him to remain steady. Now was the time to watch, the acting could come later. Behave yourself, Zoro-ya, that's all Law would have had to say. His breath would send those gold bars knocking against one another, chiming out, just like his whole body would be resonating, that raw energy radiating off him like -

One glance the wrong direction. One curious look towards the audience and suddenly red lenses would be flashing in the sunlight. Strings cutting through the air, and in an instance the man would have Zoro in his sights all because Law-

No. He would have never been there if he hadn't been looking for his lost first mate. There is no universe, no fate. He would have never risked it.

It's so easy to imagine them standing there on the deck of the Polar Tang, but that would have been risking everything.

Eyes forward, Trafalgar. Stay on target, on mission.

"How did you know Mugiwara-ya would be here, of all places?" Direct and to the point, almost more like Zoro than Law, but he didn't have time to indulge in some useless games.

The old man pauses, attaching at his whiskers as though he needs to actually stop and consider Law's question. "Ah, you young captains," the man mutters after a time, shaking his head. As if he weren't acting condescending enough, sitting there smiling at them, eating his meal, laughing, living his life while Law and his entire crew didn't even know if their vice captain had one left to live. "I remember the type. You make everything so much more complicated than it needs to be."

"You saw the same as I did," Rayleigh offers and this, actually, gives Law pause. Had Rayleigh been there, been at the site of the attack? Law had no memory of him, he couldn't see anything in his mind but the image of Zoro running away from him, running towards the warlord, and then…. "You saw the direction Kuma sent him, same as I did."

The direction---?

Law slided to a stop at the ledge of the cliff, staring for any sign of his first mate.

The first thing he sees is that damn childhood friend kneeling in front of one of the robotic replacements, looking even weaker than she had inside the auction house. She's wearing new marks and scars and a new acceptance, too.

It's the giant stripping off his glove that makes Law pause just a moment - his damn prurience getting the better of him at such a critical time - only he couldn't remember any of the replicas they had been fighting ever engaging in such behavior. They simply blasted the beams straight through the center of their hands, gloves and all. It could be, his mind alerted him, that this was a new kind of attack

Not that it matters. Either way, Zoro was sliding down the side of the incline and right towards the pair. Law shouted out for him, and in the chaos, it went entiely unheard.

The replica said something, Law tried to gather his own energy, he didn't pay the girl any attention. As the replica raised his hand Law saw strange bumps of the giant man's palm, some piece of knowledge fought from the back of his head but couldn't have given a fuck right then. He raised his hand as the monster did the same. They're both set right when Zoro lept from the side of the slopping hill and made his grab for the girl.

"ROOM!"

"SHAMBLES!"

That's when it happened, when in a sudden flash Zoro had disappeared. Law stood, fingers outstretched. He waited. He watched and waited.

Law only saw his vice captain, his Zoro-ya, being swiped away. Gone.

"Ah, of course," Rayleigh adds with a chuckle, and it's that simple sound that makes Law stop his desperate searching of his own thoughts. This is another game, isn't it? Another joke, easy for a man to make when he'd already let his crewmate die at the hands of the government. "You likely just followed the naval broadcasts, correct? That's how you found Luffy. As for the rest, admittedly, it does help if you understand old Kuma's strange sense of humor."

And that is it. That is when the still, serene airs of the calm belt lift and the cold winds of the north blow in. That is when the lown gives way to the storm. That's when the peace breaks.

And the Northern Winds with all their might really start to gather.

"Is this a riddle to you old man?" Law's knuckles crack, his body trembling in the stillness of the air, but some power is starting to rustle that calm. A storm is coming. "Some puzzle I'm meant to solve?"

From somewhere off the calm sea, the slightest breeze swirls around the hair and hats of the Heart cream they find themselves unconsciously moving closer, not that they were in any real danger. This is the calm belt, they couldn't be caught off guard by a storm, not here or all places.

"Zoro-ya wasn't MEANT to be taken away from me!" Or maybe they aren't, maybe the northern storms of the childhoods have only followed them here. There is definitely something familiar in the darkness and the lightning of their captain's eyes, the sudden thunder of his voice as he snaps at the old man, turning his gaze up on the ancient first mate. The dark circles beneath the Captain's eyes are even dark and deeper than normal, and it seems little whirlwinds and gusts are drawn to the grass and dirt at his feet. "He is a Heart Pirate, not one of Mugiwara-ya's little friends! He has a duty to this crew! He had a promise to keep and -"

"You seem so sure, little Midorigo-ya." Law reached for the boy, as if he might ruffle his hair, as a brother almost, but of course the bounty hunter only growls at him, using the knife in his hand almost like a sword to stop Law's hand in it's place.

"Don't call me that." Law laughed, it's not deep or loud, but it's certainly amused. It's what he's heard the Marines who had caught him referring to the boy, and he could see how it might fit. But since Law isn't some monster, he isn't a marine, he lowers his hand, let's Zoro go back to trying to stuff the entire steak down his throat all at once, using the knife more as a second fork than anything else. He almost wanted to correct the boy, tell him he was being so savage, but Law knew hunger, and he let him eat.

"You are going to be quite the handful, Midori-ya." Law already had his hands up when the knife came back. The young bounty hunter, Roronoa Zoro, glared for a good while and decided the two where different enough to allow.

"You want me on your crew," the boy goes on, only his face is so stuffed with food it comes out "Anatawatashoatanorikumnshitaide" which only made Law chuckle, and the boy stuff more in his mouth, as if Law's amusement might mean less food for him.

"To be honest," Law goes on, lazily reaching over for a dumpling. His hand is swatted away, and Law smirks at the young boy. So protective, he's not what you would expect from the East. That's good. Law liked that. "I wouldn't say yes expect our Polar Bear, he's taken a weakness."

Zoro had to swallow a mouthful so big you can see the whole lump being forced down his throat..his eyes were watering when he turned to Law, even if it was too glare at him. "Bepo deserves better than you lot, if that's how you think."

Yes, Law decided, he liked this one. "Besides," Law went on as if he hadn't heard the boy's protest. He looked out the small window of the inn where they were hiding. Up on the hill the army base was in ruin, lights were circling, alarms blaring, back up would be here soon. Luckily, Law and his crew had a way around all that. "I don't feel good leaving you here to defend yourself against such a source."

Zoro snorted. Rice came out of his nose. Law simply rolled his eyes and continued on. "You have little chance to survive here on your own. You should come with me or-"

SLAM.

It was the sound of Zoro's now empty plate on the table. The eyes that studies Law now, they were not the same eyes on the boy who had been stuffing his face only seconds earlier. They aren't the familiar cocky look of the bounty hunter that often found himself fighting beside the heart Pirates.

This was solid steel, old and used and tested. When Zoro met Law's eyes that day, Law doubted the boy understood the lifetimes in his soul. "I will take you as a captain!"

Law opens his mouth, the smirk already there. Poor boy, has he failed to notice how he follows Law around as if-

"I will take you as a captain!" Zoro repeated, and he rose from his seat and Law could feel, in the flash between them, this was no act of a child. "But that doesn't mean abandoning my calling?"

Law just smiled, his chin resting in his hand. What an interesting creature, he thought as he asked, "And what was that calling?"

"The destruction of event shichibukai!" There is such determination, such passion in the boy's voice, such belief.

Law can't help breaking down laughing.

"It's not a joke you idiot!" Zoro slammed the table with both hands, he waited until Law had brushed the tears from his eyes. "It's my goal! My calling in life!"

"You plan to go for every shichibukai?" Law asked, and he tried to hide his smile (expect he didn, though he stopped laughing). "And if a shichibukai is taken down before? Or dies? Or the government declared them illegitimate?"

The knife goes into the wood next, and Law didn't flinch but he did cock his head, watching the boy with more interest. "Then I'll go for the next one!" Zoro had promised, just as sure and just as bright. "And then next and the next after that! Until none remain! Until they are no longer allowed to use us as slave and puppets, goods and targets all on the word of some government I've never met!"

His fever burned and in his eyes Law could see the silver of his eyes reforging into something stronger; black, cursed, and undefeated. And when he turned that on Law, he didn't laugh. He didn't even smile. He met the boy's gaze head on. "I will honor you as captain," the young boy promises, no hesitation and no doubt, certainly o trickery, but Law knew that of him long before now. "I will be loyal. But the moment you step between me and this goal, I must abandon you."

"I understand," Law accepted, nodding to the boy but also turning away, not allowing his own face to be seen. "I understand the importance when one-"

"I promise you! I promise you Cora-san!" Law found himself screaming to be heard - not by others, but in his own head - above the storm that tossed the small rowboat one way and the next. He didn't know where it was going or if he would even get there alive but he didn't care. As long as it took him to where he needed to be, Law would allow the sea to beat him around as it liked. "With this gift you've given me! I will do it!"

"I will use my secret name!" The boy swore, grabbing onto the small mast and quickly finding himself tossed to the side of the boat as it splintered in half, narrowly missing crushing his small body. He stayed there, curled up on the floor of the ship. Maybe because all the sea water splashing into the ship was leaving him weak, the way Corazon use to get, maybe because the way he'd been thrown against the wall had struck the white slabs of his skin which were so susceptible to pain, and maybe just because he didn't have the street get to up, not anymore. He was so alone, and it all felt hopeless. He no longer had Corazon by his side, he hadn't even truly gotten to see more than a glimpse of his friend as he went down, but he could feel his power holding on…. Clinging to him until the moment it no longer has a body to cling to.

Law was used to be alone, there shouldn't have been a problem.

Only…. Only now he felt more alone than ever. Where was his forever companion? Where was his shadow Where was the death that always followed him? The darkness and the loneliness it brought with it.

What had Corazon done!? To be so selfish as to give Law the worst of all curses!

Hope.

He would have only done it for one purpose, Law decided, spending the night weak and barely able to hang on as the ship whipped him this way and that. There must be a reason.

"I will stop Donquixote Doflamingo!"

#rough draft #deal with it #one piece #one piece au #roronoa zoro #trafalgar d. water law #trafalgar law #zolaw #zoro as a heart pirate #one piece fanfiction #my writing #all hearts #law x zoro #zoro x law

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writinglyra · 6 months

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NaNoWriMo 2023 - Week Three

Progress: 7,685 / 30,000

Average Daily Wordcount: 163

Excerpts

Day Fourteen:

There, twenty meters away, on the left edge of the road, was an uncertain creature locking eyes with the captain of the guard. There was a swallowed gasp through the party as they stared back, unbelieving. This was a stag. A sacred creature. A deathly silence fell.

Day Fifteen:

In Merim, a stag was a divine sight. Only her father, prophet of the gods and King of Merim, was worthy enough to kill one. And only the highest born were worthy enough for its flesh or its bone. Keroesa recalled the feel of the antler her father once held for her. The firm, grassy taste of its flesh at the feast of her brother’s name. The pale ivory skull that watched her in the temple of Isadun. In its death, the creatures looked faultless. But here, in front of her, it looked small.

Day Seventeen:

Keroesa had seen the cliffs and canyons in the south, on her aunt’s estate. There, stout grey goats clung to the sheer, crumbling walls, leaping between ledges to reach their peaks. The hills were not as rough here and not near as high, but the feeling of instability—the nearness to death that lived in those creatures—lived in her.

Day Eighteen:

Standing here now, Keroesa felt as she had felt at seven years old when she wandered away from the palace and into the open door of the barracks, where men, stripped bare, flustered at her sight. This was wrong. She should not have come here. She should not have seen this—not yet. This was not wide-eyed men, but the wide-open mouth of a god. A fissure cut into the flesh of the world in which flowed its sacred blood—this sacred water.

Thoughts

This has definitely been a bad week, and I don't have much confidence I'll hit 30k at this point. With it being midterm season, I was pretty swamped with exams and academic responsibilities, so I'm not being too harsh on myself, but there was definitely a degree of laziness (and a bit of burnout) going on.

I'm home for Thanksgiving break now, but I can't say if that'll improve my productivity much. It's really just replacing one kind of busy for another with all the family stuff and errands I have now that I'm home. At the very least, I'll try to write more days next week, and hopefully for longer. I've yet to have a day where I've written over a thousand words and I want to change that. I'm hopeful there'll be at least one day next week I can find the time.

As for the progress I did make, it's not really to the quality I would like. I wasn't very excited about any of the stuff I was writing, and I spent the whole week slogging through this one tricky chapter. Which might be a sign I should reconsider it in the second draft. But, that's thinking way far ahead. I should be able to get to some scenes I'm more excited about next week, and I'll hopefully be able to fly through those faster. I may not be able to catch up to my goal, but I would love to get my average daily word count up.

Anyway, thanks for checking in again. I'm still feeling pretty good. Here's to Week Four!

#wtwcommunity #nanowrimo #excerpt #monsters and majesty #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writinglyra

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a-shakespearean-in-paris · 11 months

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Scattered Thoughts Before

It was roughly one year ago. I had the worst mental breakdown of my life. No one was hiring me despite the apparent teacher shortage, I felt like I was wasting time by not doing anything worthwhile, and in therapy, the first time I had ever gone, my therapist forced me to come to some hard truths. She made me realize that I had put up walls in order to protect myself. She made me realize so much of my self-esteem was tied to my cousin who is off living her own life. But that same session she told me that all I ever do when I go in there is talk about travel and writing, so I needed to start doing it. So what if I had no one to go with? I could go by myself.

I wanted to tell my cousin, my best friend when I saw her that weekend that I was finally going to do it--I was planning on going to Europe next Summer, now. I thought maybe a little naively she may want to go with me. She showed me a picture on her phone. She was pregnant. This isn't going to be a flattering part of my story but I have to write it down because it's my truth. I went to the bathroom, and I cried. Violently. Here I was, couldn't find a job, just knew I was never going to be able to meet anyone, and there was best friend, off making her own life and moving on while I was shut out. I hated every fat, wet tear I shed that day and I despised myself for them, and that made it all the worse. I couldn't even tell my cousin, K, that I was making one of my biggest dreams a reality. I was asked if I was excited to be an aunt. I thought I'd be a shitty aunt. I said no. Being an aunt terrified me. My aunt, my cousin's step-mom, found out--and what proceeded was a month long battle with my aunt, (cousin's step mom) who called me all sorts of vile names.

Later on in therapy I discussed what happened, and my therapist made me realize my reaction was rooted in my issues with self-esteem, and that because of the history I had with my cousin, K. I had dreams for us once, because when we were kids we talked about traveling and having kids together, and they all ended when she married her long-term boyfriend and I remained alone and no one was taking me along in the ride called life. But my therapist told me that was alright. I could go make new dreams.

Sometime later I talked to K, and while my therapist said fences may not have been fully mended, something I knew, it was alright. I booked my trip, the one I'm about to leave for today. I got a job. I struggled in that job, but I got better thanks to some people beautiful people I met. My friend from grad school, M, started going out with me a little more. One day we talked late into the night about everything. I told her everything I never felt comfortable telling K--all my crazy fandoms and hyperfixations and fanfiction. I told her about my novel I started when I was 18 that I had to put on hiatus because I didn't think I was good enough yet. I became a really good teacher. I became a lot of kids cool aunts. I saw K once and it was awkward. She called me once when I was at the Ren Fair with M to see how I was, (after I saw some photos she was in town with some of her bridesmaids, refraining from inviting me) My aunt in Hawaii asked me to come to the Merrie Monarch festival in Hawaii to see my cousin dance the hula. It was transcendental. I got to hang out with cousin I, who told me when I was at the airport after that she missed me already. I cried. No one had ever told me something like that before. Tiny miracles wove themselves together, unlike before were I felt like it was all tiny misfortunes. Then, one day in March, myself unable to let go of the tiny threads of inspiration that had been weaving together in my brain, I went back to my story I started when I was eighteen. A surer writer now, not as clumsy and inelegant with words. I made my leading lady Hawaiian, because I'm not so ashamed of it anymore. I spent the whole weekend editing my draft to give to M, because I want her to read it. For the first time, I don't keep my writing guarded. I want to boast and brag. And today, I will be away. The dream I had for myself when I was 12, to travel Europe because I loved Samantha Brown on my TV, is coming true.

For the first time in my life, I think I feel really and truly renewed. I feel like a beautiful woman, off to have an adventure, both outwardly and inwardly as I continue to write and continue to be.

Things were lost, things were gained. Such is life. I did it.

#personal #I cried so hard writing this #and now #I am about to be off #:D #see you on the other side

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sheliesshattered · 5 months

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New sewing project

I just realized that I haven't taken any pictures of my new sewing project -- while I'm sitting here wearing the nearly finished dress, lol. That's how quickly it's come together, which is just wild after all the months I spent on the last dress I made.

I'll take some pictures in the daylight tomorrow, but I figured I'd document a little of the process now, before getting back to work and getting the sleeves on. Also there's matching pants, and those just need their waistband casing and ankle cuffs and they'll be done too.

Oh yeah, and the fabric only arrived like three days ago. xD

The motivation behind this project was to sew something for wearing around the house during the winter -- something cozy for these darker months when all I feel like wearing is long witchy dresses and cozy layers. I don't have any costuming events to plan for, and this is a dress I've really wanted the last few years, so Jack encouraged me to actually draft the pattern and get the thing made so I can start wearing it already.

The concept is a cozy winter dress in a sort of pseudo cotehardie look -- maybe more Victorian Pre-Raphaelite medievalism than anything that would work at an SCA event, but in that sort of direction. I have just enough of a wool allergy to make wearing it next to my skin completely unbearable, and since I'm not trying for historical accuracy, I can really use any fabric I want. I prefer to use only natural fibers (or synthetics made from natural fibers, like rayon and viscose) in my wardrobe whenever possible, and I knew I wanted this dress to be heavy, warm, and soft inside.

After a bunch of searching around online, I found a 100% cotton sweatshirt fleece weighing in at about 7oz per square yard. I ordered a sample of the charcoal gray color, which turned out to actually be more of a slate blue-gray, but that suited me just fine. The sample washed and dried well, and stayed soft inside without pilling, so I knew I had a winner. That just meant I had to actually draft a pattern to match what I was thinking. I pinned a bunch of things on Pinterest, all kind of revolving around this sort of look:

I thought about using a typical cotehardie pattern with triangular skirt gores, but since I knew I didn't want any sort of closures, lacings or otherwise, and because I was going to be working with a stretch knit, I decided I didn't want to try to mess with the accurate historical way of making dresses like these and just stick with a tried and true princesses seam pattern that I know fits me.

So I ended up adapting my pattern for Rhaenyra's red dress to draft this one. I kept the basic 10 panel shape, but drafted out the center front seam, and added some height to the tops of the sleeves so I can properly set them in (rather than lacing them on with some shoulder showing). I raised the neckline in the back to the nape of the neck, and rounded both the back and front necklines, rather than the V-shape of the Rhaenyra dress.

I also added a tiny amount, like 2mm, to each seam from the waist up, so that I could pull the whole thing over my head and not have to worry about a zipper. And I widened the skirts a bit from the hips down, since I'm not trying to replicate a screen-used look, and so I could have even more swish in the skirt. The wider skirts (and heavier fabric) also allowed me to put invisible pockets on the side-front seams, which the Rhaenyra dress really couldn't handle.

I also decided to draft some matching pants to wear underneath the dress, for those days when I really can't get warm. I used a pajama pants pattern that I drafted last year, widened the legs a bit so they're straight up and down, and raised the waistline a tiny bit so I can put a wider piece of elastic into it. I also drafted out the side seam pockets, since the dress itself will have pockets. I may yet go back and add welt pockets to the back of the pants, but we'll see.

The pajama pants I based the pattern on generally fit pretty well, but the only problem with them is that they're so wide at the ankle that they like to creep all the way up to my knee at the slightest provocation and leave my lower leg rather cold. Since these fleece pants will be even wider, and since the point of this is to be warm and cozy, I knew I wanted the ankle to come in nice and close. But I also didn't want to gather the lowest edge, since the fabric is so heavy.

After looking around at a bunch of pictures and patterns online, I figured what the hell, I know what I'm doing, and these are really only going to be worn under the dress (or other long skirts) anyhow, so even if they end up weird looking, who cares. With a bunch of math I drafted two extra pattern pieces that basically form a 3/4 skirt for the bottom of each pant leg, with the 'waist' of the 'skirt' around my ankle, and the circumference sewn to the end of the pant leg. The result is fluffy and round and ridiculous, but I think will suit my needs quite well.

Once I had all of my pattern pieces drafted, I laid them out on the floor at half the 64" width of the fabric, and then measured how much length I would need, rounding up a little for the ~5% shrinkage that happens when the fabric is washed. I placed my order just over a week ago, on December 9th, and it arrived -- all 6 yards and 5 pounds of it -- on this past Thursday, the 14th.

I washed and dried it on Friday, then started cutting out all the pieces (26 in total, for the dress and the pants) that afternoon. I'd also ordered cotton thread in a coordinating color, and that didn't arrive until yesterday afternoon, by which point I had most of the pieces cut out. Last night I pinned as many of the seams as I could and this morning I wound a bobbin and tested out my tension and stitch length on a scrap piece of fabric and then got straight to sewing.

To say this came together faster than the last dress would be a massive understatement, lol. The Rhaenyra dress is two layers of silk, both of which wiggled around and refused to stay on grain, frayed easily, and needed all the raw edges finished and fully enclosed. This winter fleece dress is shaped nearly identically, but the fleece fabric doesn't fray at all, doesn't slip and slide when I cut it, and generally has a pretty easy to find grainline. The only piece that gave me any trouble was the center front, since it doesn't have a straight outer edge to align with the knit, and for that one I just thread-traced straight down the canyon between two lines of knitting, and then lined up the center of the pattern piece with that, easy peasy.

So after three days of actual cutting and sewing, I am sitting here in something that is decidedly dress-shaped, and wonderfully warm and soft and cozy. I still need to attach the sleeves, tack down the pockets, and then hem the sleeve ends, neckline, and skirt hem, but I'm feeling like I might actually be able to accomplish most of that tomorrow.

For the pants I need to sew on the ankle cuffs and turn under the waist casing and add elastic, both of which should be pretty quickly done. I should be able to have both done by the middle of this week, I think, unless something major comes up, with work or otherwise. We've got a big rainstorm coming in this week, after a few warm days, and winter solstice on Thursday, so it would be lovely to actually be able to wear this by then.

My long-term plan for this dress, besides just wearing it around the house all winter long, is to make other pieces to layer over top of this, both for fashion and for function, sideless surcoats and vests and aprons and such. I might end up making a second fleece dress out of another color eventually, but even then I would want all the pieces to be interchangeable.

The look I'm going for is something I haven't seen anywhere else, but I'm thinking of it as sort of medieval cottagecore, or practical 14th century historybounding, all influenced by Pre-Raphaelite paintings and my own take on mori kei and strega fashion. Layers and long full skirts, body-skimming through the torso but not tight, practical and functional but still witchy and a bit unusual, all in natural fibers and the colors most commonly found in my closet already.

I'll take some photos of the dress in progress in the daylight tomorrow, and more pictures later in the week once it's finished. Provided I can actually talk myself into taking off the nearly-finished dress, which has been so very cozy and comfortable while I've typed up all of this, lol.

#my sewing #winter fleece dress #solstice dress #2023 mood #historybounding #14th century historybounding #medieval cottagecore #medievalism #cotehardie #sorta #pictures in this post are all sourced from Pinterest #many thanks to the creators for inspiring me in this wonderful and ridiculous project!#RRD cosplay #in that the pattern for this one is descended from that one

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