#i keep forgetting that i dont need to have a mental break down if i havent drawn him in a few days LOL | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

orangewisteria · 1 year

Note

Hi! I'm the anon who asked you if you wrote for s//lf h//rm, so I'm here to request something related to it, that been said.

⚠TW: S3LF H4RM⚠ ⚠If you are triggered by this theme please do not interact, we care about your mental state! Thanks⚠

If it's not a problem could you maybe write separate headcanons for Cody, Alejandro, Duncan and Scott with a gn!s/o who they find h4rming theirself?

Thank you and Hope you have a nice day! <3

ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᵁᴿᵀ ᵞᴼᵁᴿˢᴱᴸᶠ ᴮᴬᴮᵞ

⚠ TW: S3LF H4RM ⚠

⚠ If you are triggered by this theme please do not interact, we care about your mental state! Thanks ⚠

ᶜᵒᵈʸ

-> hes crying a fucking waterfall when he finds you

-> hes trying not to hug you so tight and never letting you go

-> hes frantically running around to gather badnages, napkins, etc etc to help clean up your cuts

-> Hes desperately babbling to you and pleading with you to never ever do this again

-> Saying how if you need to talk to someone or rant or feel like hurting yourself to talk to him

-> Please for the love of all that is unholy in this world talk. to. him.

-> hes not going to let you out of his sight for a while

-> hes gonna baby proof his house now

-> going as far as to lock the coupards that contain chemicals and sharp objects

-> he contemplates getting a safe but goes against it cause he knows for a fact hell forget the password and have to buy new knives for his mother

-> he lives with his mother btw its facts

-> back to the topic at hand

-> he more careful aroudn you

-> treating you like porcelain cause he doesn't want to accidentally heart you (due to your recent injuries)

-> he calls them boo boos by the way

-> hes loving and is willing to do anything to help you

ᵃˡᵉʲᵃⁿᵈʳᵒ

-> hes clsoe to tears

-> hes keeping himself composed so he doesnt break down and panic right at that moment

-> hes carefully dressing your wounds and whispering his worries

-> hes calling you all the name sin teh book

-> princesa, carina/o, etc etc

-> i dont know much spanish lolz

-> anyways

-> once youre all cleaned up and in bed

-> hes holding you close and running his hands along your back

-> hes not going to let you out of his sight or out of arms reach for the next few months

-> he worried

-> he doesnt want to lose the lvoe of his life

-> hes trying not to break down each passing day as he sees the bandages on your body

-> hes runs his fingers over them daily, hes frowning as he does so

-> he changes them daily for you too

-> wont let you do it cause hes going to take care of you

-> hes a worried dead donkey :(

ᵈᵘⁿᶜᵃⁿ

-> hes frozen when he finds you

-> hes confused and worried and angry

-> he wants to know hy

-> why would you hurt yourself

-> why why why why

-> thats all thats on his mind

-> as well as the fact that hes blaming himself for letting you get this low when he most likely could have prevented it

-> hes slowly and uncharacteristically quiet as he helps cleaning up your wounds

-> bandaging them and staring at the with no emotion whatsoever

-> hes pulling you to bed and laying on your chest

-> hes just laying there and listening to your heartbeat

-> his arms are around your waist and hes unusually quiet for the next few days

-> he doesnt want to leave the house cause hes feeling down and soft and yada yada

-> he loves you and would do anything for you so hes a but angry at himself and trying to deal with it

-> give him some time and hes back to his normal self with a hint of more care and softness for you <3

ˢᶜᵒᵗᵗ

-> Hes wailing and blubbering out words you cant understand as he bandages you up to the best of his ability

-> its not the best and his fumbling words nd shit are making you laugh at the stupid words you can't even understand

-> hes glaring at you while sniffling but he understadns somewhat why youre laughing

-> although hes puffing his cheeks and pulling you clsoe

-> hes mad at you for laughing but he hears himself and blushes bright red

-> hes holding you close and never letting go

-> hes just here man

-> he doesnt know what to do at this point

-> so he just holds you close to comfort himself and you at the same time

-> i dont have much for him due to the fact that hes not too good with words

-> he tries to comfort you verbaly and shit

-> but he sucks at it

-> hes better with physical contact

994 notes · View notes

the-s1lly-corner · 5 months

Text

Reader taking care of Jax, Kinger, and Ragatha when they're sick

well.. as sick as you can get when you're in the digital world LMAO i think im going to write this and try something for a new fandom to introduce to this blog then write another thing then eeerrrrm i think i might take a break and draw since ive got a few ideas i wanna scribble down before i forget and/or lose this tiny spark of motivation eheheheh

RAGATHA:

originally i was going to say that ragatha is stubborn when shes sick... as in she wants to do what she needs to do for the day, if there is any obligation for her... but also at the same time, i dont think ragatha would be like that out of fear of getting someone else sick... maybe theres some denial in the beginning before succumbing when her symptoms get worse ? very easy to care for when sick, though i dont think she would let you hang around her for long to try to keep you from getting sick too.. i think as soon as shes feeling better/beating her symptoms she tries to check on you to make sure you didnt catch whatever she had.. and if you did... well i guess thats another post for another day. not very needy or whiny when sick, at most she might ask for something to keep her occupied if shes not sleeping the entire time

JAX:

the opposite of ragatha, hes going to be annoying about it but its hard to tell if hes genuinely just that whiney or if hes playing it up to keep your attention.. i can see both honestly. will never say it (because it might make you stop!) but he loves watching you fret over him (well he wont say it because he doesnt want to admit that he likes the extra care and attention). though i do still think that he would be stubborn, trying to keep up with his antics even though he should be in bed. so youre going to be working hard to keep him in his room... actually getting him to rest is an entirely different beast. truly, the biggest test in your relationship with this bunny is when hes sick

KINGER:

i think hes the type to over react when hes (or when anyone for that matter) is sick... though i think the bulk of that is due to his mental state currently in the circus... if this were before that or when he was more new to it, he'd be pretty normal about it... but then again how often do you get sick in the circus? i mean yeah sure you're showing your normal flu symptoms but theres also glitching thats far too similar to abstracting... can you really blame him for being scared? definitely worries about the smallest things and symptoms when hes sick, so youre probably going to have to sit by him and keep him calm. urge him to rest, exchange stories, ect ect. do i think he would become stressed enough to actually abstract right there? probably not, but its still distressing nonetheless... actually i think he might calm down and listen to you if he sees YOU becoming distressed.. doesnt want to make you feel bad, he pulls through for you

#tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #digital circus x reader #ragatha x reader #ragatha x you #ragatha imagine #jax x you #jax x reader #jax imagine #kinger x you #kinger x reader #kinger imagine

58 notes · View notes

oogalaboogalabich · 19 days

Text

More Bloodweave comic outline. Links to 1 & 2 below.

Part 3: Orb Boy starts learnin' The Angry on how to vampire better

The first battle against the goblins commences not long after they pick up two females. A gith and a half elf. Both seem very fun and very angry at each other.

They do surprisingly well, though astarion gets fairly badly hurt.

He watches while gale and this blade of frontiers fellow and how well they work off the others fighting style. Same with the religeous and military types that have been bickering the whole fight despite the fact that they practically danced together. its actually quite fascinating to see in action, despite the frustration of being basically ignored while hes bleeding out.

He fails to dodge when The Blade lobbs something at him. He readies a nasty lityle retort about how whatever he tried to do didnt manage to kill him... when he realized hed been healed. Almost entirely.

The....the bloody -hero- just ...-helped- him.

What a fucking idiot.

---

Astarion hangs back when everyone heads to camp to fuck with the blacksmith, who seems actually very nice. Its a bit off putting in a way that a quick cuppa with Auntie Ethel cures with ease, and decides to actually pay her that visit sometime.

Astarion returns from the grove with some things he plans to squirrel away. He would deny it if asked, but he directly avoided stealing anything from the hellspawn. Not out of pity of course. Definitely not. The druids were massive pricks anyways.

He finds gale resting atop the boulder pile in the center of camp, splayed out shirtless and laying in the sun.

Fuck thats right. Hed been so worried about everything, he hasnt even taken the time to enjoy the fucking sun.

Gale hears him approaching, twists to one side and utterly beams down at him. Hes cleaned up really well.

The sun, astarion notices, shines almost red through his hair.

"Youre back! Excelent!" He lifts himself into a one handed flip off the rock with the practiced ease and casual nature of a man who has no idea hes showing off and lands a few feet from him. He looks a little toasted, but it makes him look all the more lovely- LIVELY. Lively is what he was thinking.

Tch... bloody prick with his crazy acrobatics and dumb fuck beard.

and his stupid perfectly waxed moustache, and rediculous tattoos down one side of his torso and...straight past the beltline of his breeches...

His mouth felt so dry all of a sudden.

"Must say i havent had such an easy time getting warm in quite a while. The rock behind your tent is the nicest but i dont much think youd appreciate me looming about your tent, aye?"

(should gale say "aye" in this au? Should look into waterdavian/dnd pirate slang if thats even an elaborated thing. I like it. I need an excuse)

Astarion and he talk about how it felt stepping into the sun for the first time in forever.

Astarion had woken up in the pod and promtly begun panicking until he realized there were holes in the transparent chitain, and the sunlight was beaming through. He lifted a hand to it and felt such a rush that hed managed to break himself out and spent some time just ....being excited about something. Anything at all.

Gale finds he rather likes that mental image. This surly little wildcat grinning up at the sun and raising both hands up while he laughs for the wonder of it.

Perhaps then falling back and flipping off the very sky...it seems like something he might do.

Gale simply woke up on the beach and lay there a while to process and plan, nothing too interesting.

So Gale mentions that sometimes, back home, he would stay up late certain mornings to watch Artor step out into the Sun.

Its a morning ritual to keep himself sharp and humble. He would stare out until the sun peaked over the horizon, cast a sphere of invulnerability and watch from the safety of it.

(Note: this doesnt actually work in canon, but gale either wouldnt know that or would have been forced to forget whenever he relearns that fact. Plot thickening joose)

"He wont admit it but im almost entirely sure he used to collect his own ashes, before he learned the spell. that was a long time past, though, far before either of us were a glint in our mothers eye."

"Collected them? What for?"

"He probably wanted to see if it was useful in some way. Mummy dust can be a Powerful addative to healing salves and potions of disguise."

He holds up a finger.

"Though never vice versa, mind.- Stands to reason vampire ashes might be valuable. He still has a small warehouse full of the stuff.

"Round oh id say ..nearly seven maybe eight thousand clay urns, in all. he tells everyone they were a group of spawn hed collected in his earliest centuries.

"But Im fairly certain he says that to keep us on our toes. I cant imagine how he would have managed such a massive hoard. I have fourty someodd siblings, and most of them are a bloody handfull."

"Seven thousand!?"

"The man is over a millenium old, astarion. Thats a lot of sunrises."

---

Things branch off to where Astarion says he cant turn into mist or summon wolves because hes a spawn, and he feels a little cheated that spawn have no substantial powers or abilities aside from basic teleportation. And even thats gone with the tadpole.

This distresses gale on his behalf.

"I...astarion i think cazador has been keeping you far more ignorant than you are aware of. Vampire spawn have a veritable littany of skills and abilities to hone on, it just takes time and practice like any other."

"What do you mean?" And gale vanishes in a puff of smoke turning into mist and back with his arms out in a gesture of "see?"

"What in the hells?"

"I cant summon wolves per se. But with ...well proper feeding, theres a great deal we can do. We arent helpless. Were just

"Slaves"

"I would more readdily compare us to marrionettes. Poppets, worker drones and the like. but yes. Essentially."

"Well.." astarion huffs, " what can we do?"

Gales smile grows boyish and enthusiastic, and he grabs astarions hand- pulls him towards the water. " Do you see that cave over yonder, just past the canoe?"

"I see it." Astsrion yanks his hand free with a disgusted little sneer.

"Alright. I want you to picture yourself in total darkness. The furthest reaches of the light are several turns out, and none can reach you.

"This had better be going somewhere."

"Just do it, trust me."

"....Very well."

"Alright now...connect to that darkness. Feel where your body ends and the shadows begin. Feel their coils reach out and embrace your limbs, your lungs, your mind." He presses a palm near the center of his back "draw them in with your breath. anchor yourself with them until you sink deep....deep into the dark...."

He feels those shoulders relax just a little.

"Now...tell me ...whats inside that cave, astarion?"

"....how should i kn-....oh...."

Hes suddenly there, as if one foot of his essence has stepped from where his body stood into the dank cavern.

"theres. Hmmm well theres an astonishing lack of dirt...it smells ...gods just -awful-...but its soft....and...warm." he gets an almost whistful quality to his voice.

"so wonderfully warm..." he draws another breath, as if he could consume that warmth. he hears a chittering at his ear, and suddenly realizes.

"Bats....there must be dozens of them." Gale is surprised by how bright that smile is. It warms him to see.

"now...call them."

"How do i do that?"

"I cant tell you that, you have to figure it out."

There was a physical whomph of sensation within him as his own irritation broke his focus.

"Tch well thats not very generous of you."

"I cant teach you to walk astarion, i can only offer you my hand."

Astarions pout deepens and he opens his mouth to speak, but gale continues.

"If you still need help in say...give it three days. Why mess with a cliche? If you havent summoned those bats by then-

"What makes you think we will still be here in three days?"

Gale thinks of all the goblins they've fpund dead around here. The goblins theyve killed. there will be way more further out. Way more than they could realistically fell in a few days.

"Just a hunch."

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #bg3 gale #gale dekarios #bloodweave #gale x astarion #bg3 fanfiction #bg3 au #vampire au #artor morlin #baldur's gate au #astarion x gale

14 notes · View notes

drunktayloratthevmas · 4 months

Text

Fame aau rosekiller exes (unrequited love) happy relationship

Its 11pm and i was going to sleep But this idea came to mind and idk why I feel the need to share so yeah

Barty is a famous singer (think the neighbourdhood But also frank ocean and ldr) and evan is a famous model and a actor (think suki waterhouse a little bit) and they meet one day at an after party of a runway show of evan (barty was there because regulus was also modelling and he is a good friend) and they feel in love that second on that night and they keep talking and flirting and seeing each other for a while

Barty and evan dated for 2 and a half years and they were THE couple and everyone loved them, barty would make or Talk things Related to evan on his concerts and even has a song for him and how they meet and Everything on one of his albums (think margaret by lana del rey mixed with envy the leaves by madison beer) and evan would make lives and lit talk about barty for like 3 hours straight and people would think its the cutest ever

Idk But I think they break up But not because evan got bored or didnt feel loved or they had problems or fights, no, he just break yo with barty cause yeah and move on cause he has the mindseat of "if I did this I dont know why would I Regret it, I Wouldnt have done it if so" so he did that and pack his things But left barty a scrapbool with All of their photos since they meet and a camera wich barty gifted to him For his birthday

Barty never got with evan did it even tho evaned to him why, he was heartbroken and cried for a whole month on regulus' guest room cause his shared room with evan on their apartment had too many memories, he wrote songs for evan after the break up But most of them he never realesed them, he didnt realized when he was begging evan not to Leave him he would Never get over evan

Their fans and everyone was heartbroken too even tho they didnt know the reason of the break up, evan after 5 months of the break up he meet Amos and really liked him so they went on dates and try to date and actually did make each other very happy, people were horrible to the, evan because of how he could be with someone else in such a little time (bitch get over it... You Are Annoying shut up) and to Amos just because everyone loved barty and evan together so the New partner always gets shit on the for no reason other than "your partner looked better with this person" and i think barty would had collab of had been friends with Amos and like had post higlights or put music out with him and when the relationship went public he deleted those for a few days then put ir back on like nothing happened (he was having a mental break down my bbg was NOT okay) and well of people ate that whole ass drama UPPP like I would have too

And i think Amos and evan would still be dating and people Are a lot more suportive of them and liked them a lot more than before and barty would go to a random podcast channel to promote his music and that But they asked a question of "after your break yo with evan you haven't been with anyone else even tho he didnt even need 5 months to do so, why is that?" and yeah ve got annoyed a little at that But he told the truth "im super happy for Amos and evan actually I think they make a great couple and they looks like the love each other and will take care of each other, I will never forget what I say to evan that night things ended, I said it that night, I will say it now and i will say it again “evan rosier I loved you for many years, I love you now and i dont think I will ever not love you... just so you know” and yes i loved evan then, now and i will always love him"

So yyeah girl now its 12:18 / 00:18 and i should go to sleep But I will not I know myself saddly

15 notes · View notes

kitthepurplepotato · 8 months

Note

hey love!!! it's me! i dont know if you remember me, but i've been liking, reposting, commenting and following the series 'my weird roomate boyfriend' and i absolutly adore your work and writing, and for a while now i haven't heard updates from you, not about the fanfic but about you, and i just remembered you and wanted to ask how are you. i've been a little worried, and we really dont know each other and there's no reason for you to trust me but i really just wanted to make sure if you're doing any better or just need someone to talk to, im here if you need a friend!

im sending you lots of hugs and sweets and lots of lots of good!

i will understand completly if you decide to not answer this, but im really just worried for my favourite author and would be more then happy if you could give me an update for how are you doing!

have a wonderfull day and a wonderfull week and please please please dont forget to drink, eat, and rest and remember to not overwork yourself!!! love, me!

Oh my god, of course I remember you, silly! I absolutely adore you 💜💜💜💜💜

Also, perfect timing because I wanted to post an update on my situation but I wasn’t sure how to start or if it’s even needed?

Thankfully, things are getting better now, I just got sick from all the stress and the constant meltdowns I’ve had almost every day (yes, I just had Covid 3 weeks ago yet here I am, sick again, love my life.)

/warning for everyone - mentions of death, depression, suicidal thoughts and other bad stuff, also, a lot of TMI/

I’m not going to lie, this was the hardest week of my life and I don’t say that lightly (I lost my father suddenly a year before, and my grandma died in a house fire just a few months back.)

I had a really hard time understanding that all these terrible things do not mean that I’m not good enough to live and they aren’t signs that I shouldn’t exist in this world. I felt like life’s trying to force me out of its territory by terrorizing me until I break down, taking everything I love and cherish and it all felt so unfair. I really thought I’m old enough to not go back to that terrible place I crawled out of when I was 17, but this “thing” was the last straw.

With that said, I want to thank you guys for all the kind words and also my best friend @porusuniverse who woke up at 2 fucking AM when she had to wake up at 5, just to keep me company after having the worst nightmare of my fucking life and also for the ridiculous amount of hours she had spent with me and kept me fucking alive while this thing got sorted. She is an absolute legend.

I’m not going to lie and say everything is 100% alright, but I’m getting there.

/TMI OVER/

I am slowly getting back into writing, I have half a chapter of the Izuku one and the Aizawa one is almost finished! Also have a half chapter of the Bakugou one. I wanted to finish at least one of them tomorrow but then I got sick, so we will see when I’ll be able to post any of them. I’m trying to concentrate on the Aizawa one now as there’s only one chapter left and then I can give the other two the attention they deserve, but I’m also trying not to FORCE myself to write but rather just do what I enjoy so will see which one wins, eyy!

I can’t wait to be back. Like honestly, I miss Tumblr, your comments and writing in general soooo sooo much 💜

See you soon and thank you for being so kind! I’ll definitely bug you the next time I manage to go down the rabbit hole but let’s hope I won’t because I don’t think I have the mental energy for another round 😂

Cheers, everyone! 🥦

Kit 💥

16 notes · View notes

thegapbetweengalaxies · 9 months

Text

How long did Gojo mentally spend in the prison realm?

Jjk spoilers up ahead !!

The conditions to be sealed by the prison realm is to stand still for one minute. But Kenjaku mentioned that he only needed one minute to pass IN GOJO'S MIND. But instead, "three years of his youth flowed into his brain". Three years.

And how long was Gojo sealed to manga readers?

Three years. (Around 3.25 to be exact.)

I've had this headcanon for a while now: that how long he was sealed to us is an accurate representation of how the passage of time inside the box felt for Gojo. We already know that time can pass incredibly quickly in his mind (like when he was sealed, "For Satoru Gojo, one minute had passed a long tiime ago."), so i dont think its a stretch to say that time passed incredibly quickly for him in the box too.

The only question now is, we're those three years in the box spent replaying his memories? Did he feel like he was reliving his youth, blissfully unaware of the fact that he was in the box? Perhaps it felt like a dream, where he would occasionally get this nagging feeling that it wasn't real or that he had something really important that he was forgetting to do. Perhaps it was the box's way of keeping him docile, of keeping him from trying to get out. It was like, playing a movie to keep him entertained. Maybe that time where the box was unmoveable was the only time that he was lucid. And when he was "freed" from the box, it felt like he was waking up from a dream and straight into a nightmare.

Or did he spent those three years sitting in complete nothingness, left only with his thoughts? Perhaps he spent that time regretting how his actions led to this. How if he had only noticed suguru's depression sooner, or killed Suguru right away in Shinjuku, or disposed of his body properly after his fight with Yuta, or reacted promptly as soon as he saw Kenjaku, then none of this would have happened. Perhaps this is why as soon as he got out of the box, his first thought was to give geto a proper burial.

Either way, you can't convince me that he wasn't crying in that box and lamenting the fact that he let any of this happen. He even wanted to kill kenjaku on the same date he did geto, if i understood that part correctly.

But, honestly, I don't know which fate is worse.

He didn't want anybody to be left alone again and yet, in the end, he was the one left alone because he's the strongest. And no matter how many strong allies he made, he alone would be the strongest.

But is no one else thinking how powerful Gojo's psyche is after going through that much? Seeing your one and only's body getting paraded around like a marionette. And solitary confinement is considered punishment for a reason and yet he came out alright enough. Of course, he's the type to hide his true emotions because he's the strongest and whatnot but his simple will to not break down and keep smiling is incredible. I think that the only moment we see his true emotions is before he leaves to fight Sukuna. Just seeing the emptiness in his eyes and the way even Yuta was afraid to approach him at first is so heartbreaking. He's really falling apart by the seams. It may not be over for the world but I truly believe that it's gojover <//3

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk spoilers #gojo satoru #jjk headcanons #geto suguru

12 notes · View notes

youalreadyhavefullresults · 2 years

Note

It doesnt work. I've done things wrong, and then I've done things "right", I've gone meta and realized my own power and lived in the knowing and not put in any effort and was 100% sure of things happening to the point I literally starting forgetting that it wasn't in the 3d yet, and it still didn't happen. I know what you're gonna say. It's my self concept. No, it's not. I believe in myself, I think I'm capable, I think I'm worthy, I dont obsess over techniques or affirming cuz I'm powerful. You're gonna tell me to persist. In what? How long should you persist before you realize it's not happening? Days? Months? Years? How much glaring evidence in the 3d do you need before you say yeah this isn't happening. You're gonna tell me to stop having negative thoughts. Well, I'm supposed to be god, right? If I'm God then my negative thoughts shouldn't manifest anyways.... right? Right? You're gonna say I did this thing wrong, or that thing wrong, or I didn't live in the end well enough, Well guess what? I did, I just naturally assumed I was going to get in my dream college to the point I started mentally putting aside clothes to pack and started checking the weather there. You're gonna say, well if you've been doing everything right then you wouldn't be sending this ask right here. I didn't acknowledge things not going my way and continued to be positive for 2 years. 2 whole years. And dont you dare say I should keep doing that when people manifest changing their whole life overnight. Everything that loa blogs talk about, I've done it. I've done it all. And I still failed. I've failed in manifesting things before, and those times I knew where I went wrong. But this time was different, I did every single thing right, and still I have to look at the list of selected people NOT having my name on it. I've been at this for years now, and this is my last straw. If the law works for you, congrats, you're lucky. I dont really have a set reason for sending this, but I had to let it out some where, but dont you dare come at me telling me to pErSIst, cuz god knows I've persisted enough.

ok look, as someone who’s also been in the loa community for like 2 years now, i get it. It’s totally frustrating when you keep doing whatever people say and then it doesn’t work. But let’s just break down your rant here, shall we? You claim that you’re doing everything right, and that you have been persisting, but really, have you?

I believe in myself, I think I'm capable, I think I'm worthy, I dont obsess over techniques or affirming cuz I'm powerful

Ok, then answer this. If you are so powerful and have a perfect self-concept, then why are you here lol? If you had a perfect self concept, then you wouldn’t feel the urge to make this long rant about not getting your desires?

How long should you persist before you realize it's not happening? Days? Months? Years?

Ok anon, just before I say anything, what’s your thoughts on manifesting? Do you think it happens instantly, or do you think there’s a time lag? Based on this, you seem to think you have to persist for a really long time before you see any results. If you’re feeling frustrated that your results aren’t here yet and that they’re taking so long, why not just affirm that they come instantly? It seems like you need to work on your own assumptions about manifesting itself before thinking about your desires.

How much glaring evidence in the 3d do you need before you say yeah this isn't happening.

Hon, that’s the thing. You’re not supposed to be looking for evidence in the 3d. You’re not supposed to be acknowledging the old story either. The 4d, your desires, is the only thing that should matter. Ofc there’s going to be “glaring evidence” in the 3d if you keep internalizing the fact that your desire isn’t here.

If I'm God then my negative thoughts shouldn't manifest anyways.... right?

I mean, yes. But you being god is not the reason why it doesn’t manifest. Everything in life happens because you assume it. So if you build up that assumption, then it won’t happen. But until then, I suggest you make sure that you aren’t entertaining any of the thoughts in your head. They’re pretty much harmless until you start giving them attention.

And dont you dare say I should keep doing that when people manifest changing their whole life overnight.

People do that because they have the assumption that they manifest over night. Take the 3dolc x roe challenge that’s been trending recently. If you go through the success stories, you’ll see that everyone was mainly affirming that they receive their desires within 3 days or less, and therefore, they received it pretty quickly. You’ll be able to do the same if you set some sort of assumption that you manifest quickly.

I dont really have a set reason for sending this, but I had to let it out some where, but dont you dare come at me telling me to pErSIst, cuz god knows I've persisted enough.

My advice for you anon? I really think you should take a break for a bit. You seem like you’re obsessed with getting into your dream college, and while I completely understand you, you need to step back for a bit. You’re not going to get anywhere if you keep coming at it thinking you’re going to fail. I’m not telling you to persist, I just think you should take a break from loa, and then come back and work on the assumptions you currently hold about it.

I was in the same boat a few months ago. I was an anxious senior who was so stressed about college apps that I did absolutely everything I could think of to make it happen, from listening to subliminals to affirming for hours. But it was so difficult when that seemed to be the only thing that everyone talked about. I eventually got through it tho, and now I’m going to a great college that I’m proud to be in. I wish you the best of luck anon, because I know if I can do it, then you can do it too.

-cinna

#ask #law of assumption #mine #self concept #loa #manifesting #motivation #manifestation

24 notes · View notes

chaosmushroomsushi · 10 months

Text

I hate myself

someone help lol

I wish I could stop doing this shit to myself

I know this sounds more human than most my posts

maybe I should do this more often

just speak to the void like I'd speak to myself

I do think in the poetic lines I write

but it's not every thought

obviously

no one thinks purely in poetry

and my god dude. I am so fucking lonely

and I'm so tired of my trauma

and my chronic pain, can my bones just fucking stop?

I need a break

I need to be loved

unrequited love is the worst

dont ask why this is more tagged than normal when out of everything this is one of the last things I'd want to actually be seen a lot

I'm just talking because I have no one else to talk to

I have two friends I really talk to

and one I've been in love with since I was fucking 12

typing while dyslexic sucks. I've broken auto correct some

I wish I had a partner

but even if I did it wouldn't matter

I'd still torture myself endlessly

because I've never been good enough and I never will be

no one will ever actually choose me

no matter what I do or how hard I try

I will never be what someone wants

or if I am it's just using me until I'm no longer useful

I hate that this might be my most relatable post

and at the same time appreciate that the realness is what will make it that

but I hate we're all so traumatized that we feel people are incapable of loving us

I hate that others understand

but dude seriously how do you learn that you are capable of being loved

that you're actually not worthless and your only point is being used by people for so many different reasons

my content is so fucking inconsistent

is this what it feels like to unmask? even a little?

I feel like it should involve less joint pain lmfao

all I'm doing is laying in bed cuddling a frog stuffed animal with anime playing in the background typing out a shitty post on tumblr

just writing out my thoughts

I miss being held

I say that but I've never actually been held

I've never had someone to lay with and cuddle

I have to slow down my typing so tumblr doesnt lag which is stupid

stupid adhd

the mlm flag is so fucking pretty

I'm supposed to be asleep

I changed what anime was on so I didnt miss stuff so I could sleep

I need so much help

I have so much I need to talk to my therapist about already, it's been two days since my last session

how do I have more in 2 days than in the 2 weeks we couldn't meet

I mean its good but also what the fuck?

I miss him

I miss affection

fuck

I just

need to be held and loved

I hate life

if you read all this

why what mental illness do you have

dont forget food water and meds

any food counts even if you dont keep it down, protein shakes also count for either food or water but you can only choose one

ur still alive and that counts ❤ you did good kid

#shitpost #mlm #speaking to the void #trans #chronic illness #chronic pain #disabled #adhd #autism #2am thoughts #2am posting

1 note · View note

uncloseted · 2 years

Note

Do you have any advice for like organizing your life? Idk when it started but ive just been in this state of mind where I feel perpetually behind and in like chaos. I thought I had ADHD because I can never finish anything (if i can even get to the point where i start things) and i forget everything i have to do and i felt like i had a lot of the symptoms but maybe just on a milder scale, but i dont know if its something else mentally or i just dont know how to be properly organized. ):

Yes! I have so much advice. As someone who got through an entire Master's degree with untreated ADHD, I've had to get really familiar with organizational systems and other ways to trick my brain into doing what I need it to do. Whatever the cause of your executive dysfunction, I've got you covered 😂

TL;DR

Set specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound goals for yourself (SMART). Evaluate them and readjust if they're not working.

Make a big list of your tasks, and sort them into four groups: "Important & Urgent", "Important but Not Urgent", "Unimportant but Urgent", and "Unimportant and Not Urgent".

Find a technology that helps you keep track of everything, whether it's a productivity app like Notion, setting automated reminders, Google Calendar, or a notebook.

Figure out what's stopping you from getting started. Are you overwhelmed? Afraid of failing? Just bored?

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Just show up or just get started. A minute of work is better than not doing anything, so tell yourself you'll just get started and then you can quit. Doing things half-assed is better than not doing them at all.

Break down every task you have to do into very small details and check them off as you go along.

"Temptation bundle" tasks you need to do by pairing them with things you enjoy doing.

Try focusing on just one task for 25 minutes straight, taking a 5 minute break, and then focusing for 25 minutes straight again.

Do things how you'll get them done. It doesn't matter how you "should" do them. It's okay if you get things done out of order, or if you stop one task and come back to it later.

Try making tasks fun, interesting, novel, or cute to encourage yourself to do them. Or turn tasks into games.

Ask for help when you need it. It's okay to rely on other people.

It's not cheating to make things easier for yourself. Remove any obstacles or friction between you and the thing you want to get done so that the thing you want to get done is also the easiest path.

Setting The Right Goals

Before you even start trying to get things done, you need to know what needs to get done. A lot of the time, we intuitively feel like we know what needs to get done, but for people who struggle with executive dysfunction, we're prone to forgetting. For big goals, I like the WOOP and SMART(ER) methods.

WOOP and SMART(ER) goals

SMART(ER) is a tool to help you set the right goals for you. Too often, we set goals like “I’m going to start exercising” or “I’m going to quit going on my phone”. Those are great in theory, but without an action plan, it’s easy to not follow through.

SMARTER goals are ones that are:

Specific (simple, sensible, significant).

If your goal isn’t specific, you won’t be able to focus your efforts or feel motivated to achieve it.

Try to answer: what do I want to accomplish? Why is this goal important? Who is involved? Where is it located? Which resources or limits are involved?

Measurable (meaningful, motivating).

Having measurable goals is important because it allows you to track your progress and stay motivated by seeing how far you’ve come.

A measurable goal should be one that answers “how much”, “how many” and “how will I know when it’s accomplished”?

Achievable (agreed, attainable).

Your goal needs to be realistic in order for you to stay motivated and be successful. If you’re aiming too high, you’ll become demotivated quickly because it doesn’t feel like you’re making progress.

An achievable goal requires you to ask “how can I accomplish this goal” and “how realistic is this goal based on other constraints?”

Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).

Relevant goals are ones that matter to you. Make sure that these goals are ones that are important to you, not ones that you think you should be pursuing.

A relevant goal is one that can answer “yes” to the following questions: “does this seem worthwhile?”, “is this the right time?”, “does this match my other efforts/needs?”, “is it applicable in my current socio-economic environment?”

Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).

Every goal needs a target date so that you have a deadline you can focus on and work toward.

A time sensitive goal is one that answers “when?”, “what can I do six months from now?”, “what can I do six weeks from now?”, and “what can I do today?”

Evaluate

Every day, evaluate how you’re doing on your goals. Long term goals can be easily ignored if they’re not evaluated every day, and if you don’t evaluate how you’re doing on your goals regularly, you might miss the things that are preventing you from achieving them.

Readjust

If you find that your approach isn’t working, you may need to readjust your goals. That doesn’t mean that you’re failing at your goals or that you should quit; it just means you have to rethink the approach you’re taking. Maybe the goal isn’t as relevant to you as you thought it would be, or it’s not as realistic as you expected, or your timeline is too short. Identify which part of your SMARTER goal is tripping you up and readjust it.

The best goals are ones that include trying new things instead of quitting old ones. Quitting things is hard; learning something new is easier and more exciting. If you’re looking to quit something, replace it by establishing a new habit that takes its place. For example, “I’m going to stop going on my phone,” is hard, but “when I feel like going on my phone, I’ll read a book for ten minutes instead” might be easier to maintain.

After you’ve figured out your SMARTER goal, it’s time to WOOP. WOOP is something like the scientifically proven cousin of “manifesting”. Just visualizing our goals or positive thinking on its own can be counterproductive, because it fools our lizard brains into believing that we’ve already achieved the goal. By using the WOOP method, you can prevent that from happening and actually achieve what you want to achieve.

WOOP stands for:

Wish: Identify a wish that is challenging, yet attainable. This should be your SMARTER goal.

Outcome: Imagine the best outcome as a result of your wish (as vividly as possible). Really daydream about what your life would be like if you achieved your goal.

Ask yourself, what is the biggest benefit you could receive from achieving this goal?

Obstacle: Identify and imagine what obstacles will get in the way of your wish.

What might get in the way? Thoughts, feelings, beliefs, old behavior patterns, bad habits, social pressure… identify as many as you can, then prioritize their likely they are to happen and how significant they would be if they did happen.

Plan: Create an if-then plan to overcome the obstacles you identified- “if [obstacle occurs] then I will [plan A].” Do your best to pick the most effective path you can for each obstacle, and identify a few different plans in case your first plan doesn’t work.

For example, if you wanted to start exercising, your WOOP might look like this:

Wish: Go on a run 3x/week after school/work for a month.

Outcome: Better energy, confidence, and health.

Obstacle: Feeling tired and hungry at the end of the day…Not wanting to go.

Plan: Pack a snack for the end of the day, and put on gym clothes right when you get home.

Or if you wanted to stop watching TV and read more:

Wish: Watch only 5 episodes of TV per week, and read when I feel the urge to watch TV for a month.

Outcome: Learn a lot. Get smarter. Feel better. Enjoy the great ideas. Feel like I’m spending my time wisely.

Obstacle: Not feeling like it. Preferring to watch TV.

P: If I catch myself watching TV, then I turn it off and start reading a book instead.

Smaller Tasks

For smaller tasks, I use a method called 4 Quadrants. I make a big list of everything I can think of that I want to do or need to do. Then, I sort those tasks into four categories: "Important & Urgent", "Important but Not Urgent", "Unimportant but Urgent", and "Unimportant and Not Urgent". Doing this helps me to prioritize the things that need my attention right away without forgetting smaller tasks that I would like to get done at some point. If you can, also estimate how long you think each task will take.

The technology you use to actually keep track of everything will depend on what kind of person you are. The only thing that works for me is Notion. I think I like it because it's cute, flexible, and it syncs across all of my devices. Other people use the Notes app in their phone, have a Google Doc, use another productivity app, or just carry around a notebook/planner with them everywhere they go. You might have to try a few different options before finding what works for you.

Another thing that may help is setting reminders on your phone. Some people really like this method and other people really dislike this method, so YMMV, but it's worth trying. On the less intense end, you can put your tasks in a calendar and assign each task a specific block of time. This can be helpful because your brain can go on auto-pilot and just move from one task to the next. On the more intense end, you can also use your phone to remind you of tasks when you're in specific locations- for example, if you're by the library, it will remind you to return your books, or if you're by the grocery store, it will remind you that you're out of milk.

Actually Doing The Task

Now you know what you need to get done, but you still have to actually do the thing. Brains that struggle with executive dysfunction tend to struggle with starting tasks, even when they know they need to do something and want to do it. There are a few methods that help with this:

What's Stopping You?

First, see if there's anything that's holding you back from doing the task. It can help to ask yourself the following types of questions: Are you missing the materials you need to work on the task? Are you afraid that if you start, you'll do the task badly? Are you unsure of what the task entails or where to start with the task? Does the task feel overwhelming? Is the task boring? Knowing what's holding you back can help you find a workaround.

If what's stopping you is that you're missing the materials you need to work on the task, try making a list of everything you need and where you can get them. Then, you can just grab everything you need and start working.

If you're afraid that you'll do the task badly, try to remind yourself that everything that's worth getting done is worth doing badly. Doing something is better than doing nothing. It can also be helpful to remember that this version of the task doesn't need to be the final version. You can always go back and make edits to improve the final product. But you can't make the final product better if you never start.

If you feel overwhelmed with the task or are unsure of where to start, trying writing out each step of the task in stupidly small detail. For example: "Open laptop. Open Firefox. Open Google Docs. Create new document. Write name at top of document." Then, just do the first step of the task. It seems silly, but breaking tasks down into small, achievable steps can make it feel less overwhelming. If you like check lists, you can put a check box next to each step and check them off as you go. This is nice because it helps you to feel like you're making progress. If there are any steps you're unclear on, make a plan for how you're going to clarify those steps- talking to someone who's done the task before, researching the task online, etc. If you want, you can make this more fun by pretending you're filming a tutorial or pretending that you're a Sim.

If the task is boring, try "temptation bundling". This is where you take something you don't want to do (the task) and pair it with something you like to do (listening to music, watching TV, etc). For example, you may be more likely to exercise if you only watch your favorite TV show while you're at the gym. Doing this helps to make the task less boring and it helps us to want to do the task.

If your brain just kind of feels paralyzed, tell yourself that you're only going to do the task for a small amount of time (30 seconds, a minute, 5 minutes, whatever you think you can handle). If you still don't want to do the task after that time period is up, you can quit. This trick tends to help our brains break out of "task paralysis", where we just can't initiate a new task. Usually, after that time has passed, our brains realize that the task isn't actually that bad, and we can keep going until it gets finished.

In a similar vein, the Pomodoro method works for a lot of people who struggle with executive dysfunction (although not all- again, some people really like it and others really dislike it). With this method, you focus really hard on only one task for 25 minutes (or however long you can focus for) at a time and then take a 5 minute break. This tends to work because our brains can only concentrate for so long, and 25 minutes feels like a manageable amount of time to work on a task.

Some Miscellaneous Advice

In no particular order, here are some other things that have helped me get things done despite the fact that my brain is a chaos muppet:

Junebugging. This is a strategy where you jump from task to task until everything gets done. So maybe I'll start by wanting to make my bed. But then I'll notice that next to my bed is my nightstand, and there's an empty wrapper on it. So I'll put the wrapper in the trash, and realize the trash needs to be taken out. So I'll put on my shoes and take the trash out, and when I get back in, I'll take off my shoes and want to put on my slippers. I'll go get my slippers in my room and see that my bed needs to get made, so I'll go make the bed. It's perhaps not the most efficient method of getting things done, but my brain was never going to be able to take the most efficient route. This way, the wrapper gets taken off the nightstand, the trash gets taken out, I get my slippers, and the bed gets made. This method is just about getting stuff done, even if it's not necessarily what you set out to do.

Do it how you'll get it done. Kind of going along with junebugging, it's important for people who struggle with executive dysfunction to let go of the way that things "should" get done. Our brains usually aren't going to do things the way they "should" do them, and so it's better to work with our brains instead of against them. If brushing your teeth in the shower is the way your teeth are going to get brushed, who cares if you're not brushing your teeth at the sink. Find the strategies that work for you and run with them, regardless of what other people do.

Keep items where you use them, and buy multiples if you need to. I have a water bottle, a trash can, and cleaning wipes in every part of my house where I regularly sit, because that's where I'll be when I want to use them. Putting things where they're used reduces the "friction" of the task- instead of having to get up, go get the item, and then use it, you just have to use it.

Build good habits if you can. Habits can be hard to form for people with executive dysfunction, but there's really helpful once they're solidified. For a few weeks, I kept repeating to myself "don't put it down, put it away" any time I had an item in my hand. Now I habitually put things away, and I lose items much less frequently. Another habit that's really helped me is cleaning up one thing every time I leave a room- so maybe I'll put something in the trash can, or take something with me from the room I'm in to the room it's supposed to be in. This has helped me to keep things much tidier than they used to be.

Make things novel, interesting, or fun. When in doubt, a good way to get our brains to do something is to try and make it fun. Hate brushing your teeth? Buy a cute toothbrush and a novelty toothpaste flavor, put on some music, brush with your opposite hand, and see how many squats you can do before the song ends. It might look ridiculous, but if it gets you to brush your teeth, it's worth it. On the simpler side, changing up how my Notion dashboard looks keeps me excited to use it because it feels new, so I try to give it a new vibe every few months. You can even turn tasks into games- how many dishes can you wash before the microwave beeps? Now it's interesting and fun instead of something you're obligated to do.

Ask for help when you need it. It's okay to rely on other people to keep you going. For example, try having a friend sit on FaceTime with you while you're doing the task. This is called "body doubling" and it's really helpful for getting things done, even if the person isn't helping you with the task.

There's also some great advice here that I recommend checking out, not just for ADHD and executive dysfunction but also for people who struggle with anxiety and depression.

7 notes · View notes

mizuta · 2 years

Text

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time

#zero jams #;mt

1 note · View note

ughgoaway · 2 months

Note

Hi ace feel free to completely ignore this ask if its too much, take care of yourself first 🫶

Im having such a difficult time just living, im failing at every subject in college, i feel empty even when i have the best friend anyone can ask for, and just, everything its too much.

Ive been depressed for 9 years now and i dont see any light at the end, im seriously so so sad, i cant really have conversations with my friends, i keep getting high just so i forget everything that is going on and i just dont know what to do

Sorry for venting on you, i just cant anymore

hi lovely, don't worry, it's not too much at all. I've been exactly where you are, and if I'm honest I'm kind of there right now too.

(long ramble about mental health below the cut)

tw for depression and discussion surrounding it.

I think people underestimate how hard just existing is, and having something as stressful as college on top of that can't be easy. I would remind you to be kind to yourself, it might not feel like it but you're achieving a lot right now by just keeping alive, I'm proud of you for it because I know it can feel impossible.

is there any way you can reach out to your college for some support right now? maybe take a small break if you're allowed? or even just tell them you're struggling, you'd be surprised how much people want to help you. more people care about you than you know, I promise.

feeling empty even when you have a support network is so hard because it can feel like you're betraying them. but you're allowed to still feel shit even when you know you have someone with you. feeling like this isn't your fault, your brain is working against itself constantly, and that can just feel impossible.

as far as the empty feeling, I know it all too well. i don't quite know how to get over it yet, if I ever do I'll let you know, but I always try and get a small routine down and try and spend just 1 hour a day doing something I love. the routine can be something as small as brushing your teeth 2 times a day, or going on a 5 minute walk, or even just standing outside for 5 minutes.

and the thing you love doesn't have to be a big thing, you can just let yourself rewatch your favourite show and eat some food you love. maybe spend time with friends if you're up to it, but if you're not, that's okay too. your friend sounds like they understand you, and they love you. They'll be wanting to give you all the support you need when you're ready.

this might be a silly question, but have you ever reached out for professional help? I know lots of us have, and it's been ineffective, but when you find that right professional, it can really help. I promise there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be so small that you can't see it right now, but it's there. it just needs some time to grow.

keeping up with friends is something I struggle with too, even if the messages are lovely, it can feel daunting. Next time you have even a tiny bit of energy, I urge you to tell your friends that. explain that you love them, but it all feels like too much right now. they love and care about you, they will support you in any way you need, im sure of it.

as for the getting high, I'm sorry I don't have any advice there, I personally don't use any drugs, but I completely understand the urge to use them as a coping mechanism. and I think weed, for example, can be helpful when used appropriately, but it's hard to even consider that when you feel so low. if you feel able, it's always best to try and talk to someone who understands what you're going through and why the drugs help. They will be able to help you the best. I'm sorry I don't have better advice for this, though. I wish I did.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you overall, but just know that there are millions of people who are like you right now and millions who have felt like you, and got better. the phrase "it will get better eventually" is cheesy and feels meaningless in moments like this, but it comes from people who have done this, from people who did see it get better. It did for them, and it will for you too.

my dms are always open for a chat, deep and philosophical one or a distraction chat about random things. my ask box is too, I'm here whenever, my love.

I urge you to keep trying and keep pushing even when you feel so weak you don't want to. you are so loved and so valued in this world, even if you can't see it yet <3

#anon #tw mental health chat

0 notes

online-thoughts · 6 months

Text

I suck at journaling

It's almost been a full year since I wrote the last entry. SO much has happened since then that I think my hands would cramp up before I could finish typing it all. Short overview: I graduated college :3, passed my NCLEX 1st try, started my first official nursing job in Philly, and made my first big adult purchase and bought a car. Now I don't really know how to journal, for me I feel like I just kinda word vomit until I'm satisfied with it and then I forget about it for months on end. I don't know if i'm supposed to be following a promt or just freeballing it but yk what its my journal so i'm just going to do whatever I want.

Let's start with the job. I know imposter syndrome is normal and hearing everyone in residency talk about how they're also feeling lsot gives me a sense of community but I still can't get out of my own head. Obviously i'm just starting this job and I'm surrounded by people who have been through the training and have been perfecting their skills for a while but I still feel so beneath them. Every time i have to ask for help with a skill, or clarification i just feel so stupid like I should know it already. I'm sure that most of it is in my head and that there is little judgment from them, but I still can't help but telling myself that they also think I am dumb and get annoyed when I go to them for help. I tried some AI journaling thing called rosebud and it was nice but i am not paying for a subscription. But it helped me to verbalize that I can't treat this job as a race but rather I need to be seeing it as a learning process. Nobody is expected to know everything about everything when you start your first job. Heaven knows college doesn't prepare you for the real world, and orientation is so hit or miss with what you can see that some things truly just come with time and practice. I need to remember to just take it one shift at a time, and that everyone was once where I was. Even if I ask a thousand questions, I shouldn't feel badly because in the end I am doing it for both mine and the patients' benefits. Anxiety is normal but I cannot let it take over my life.

I'm proud of myself so far for continuing to try and maintain a healthy work-life balance. It's not always easy, especially considering I am not always a social person and night shift absolutely drains me and take up 2 days with its scheduling. But Eliyah I am proud of you for making efforts to hang out with friends and family. For reconnecting with old friends, and trying to make the most of your 20s instead of making work your whole entire life. It's not always going to be easy but try to make that and your mental, emotional, and physical well being a priority.

Financials. Just thinking about having to start paying my loans, insurance, car, and other payments freaks me out. Factor in the part where I don't even have an apartment yet. I know I cannot keep doing the drive forever and need to move closer eventually but i don't know how to swing it. I know everything will all work itself out, and by budgeting and actually sitting down with soemone to tell me how to manage my financials i can do it but MAN is it scary being an adult.

Okay now all the anxiety ridden word vomit is done. I actually am happy with life right now (at least while I'm not thinking about all of that ^) I have a great support system, good friends, i'm happy and sufficient being single, I'm in good health, i have a car that I dont have to worry will break down on me every second, and I have hopes of a good future for myself. I think I just need to try and tell myself how proud I am of me more instead of tearing me down for perfectly normal human experiences. But then again, rome wasn't built in a day. My mental health will get to where I need it to be eventually, but for now I am proud of myself and she deserves to be happy and prosper in life.

I genuinely do think verbalizing my emotions will be good for me and I want to try and do it more, so until next time.

0 notes

keefwho · 9 months

Text

September 21 - 2023 Thursday

7:52am

I know I want to follow through with some kind of ACT therapy based plan. Coming up with the plan is the hard part. It's gotta be something I can refer back to when I'm slipping up or losing my way. So far I haven't been able to figure out something that works but it's also because I usually don't have the bravery to face the truth that I am slipping up. Instead I tell myself I'm fine, I don't need to brush up on anything. I act like I've been cured just because things are going well. But obviously it's a slow downhill from there until I have a breakdown and realize I've been neglecting important practice.

In fact this sounds extremely similar to something I experienced with my art where I'd neglect to practice or try anything new until my art became static and dull. I'd slowly forget things I learned until I couldn't pull off making anything interesting to me. I'd catch myself and realize all I needed to do was get some fresh intake of visual information. In other words I'd enter a state of artistic reverb with myself, unable to breath. Maybe the exact same thing is happening with my mental health. I'm relatively okay when I'm exploring new perspectives and actively trying to understand my behavior. The problem comes when I act like I've learned it all and slowly degrade to a breaking point.

The art solution was solved with the awareness of the problem and by scheduling a mere 30 minute warmup time every morning where I specifically get out of my comfort zone. If I'm not struggling, I'm not doing it right. My mental state could benefit from a similar solution. I already have the groundwork made by trying to identify and jot down my objective thoughts and feelings every morning. This could be expanded upon to be time I take to do more focused exercises on different ACT topics. Or just some more reading. As much as I want to do it in the morning, I might save it for the afternoon since I have more time I usually don't know what to do with then. Mornings already seem kinda limited.

1:24pm

I've done some reading today so I have my intake of information. For a few days now I've been exercising a philosophy I like, I haven't had to remind myself to keep doing it. I just do it. It's to work myself until I'm tired. Because inherently I enjoy burning energy. It means I'm doing something, moving things around in this world. It means I'm expressing myself no matter what, even if it's just doing the dishes. I enjoy doing things that serve to benefit the greater good. I DONT value being able to enjoy relaxing and playing all day, only in smaller doses (at least right now). I want to create things and push things. I like momentum.

The things I read about in my act book support this grand sort of method of operation. I mean, ACT is the name of the practice for a reason. It's all about acting in accordance with my values. The hard part is overcoming the things that stop me from doing that, all my internal struggles that are holding me back.

Right now I feel like I'm in a sort of 'up' and I know it would be wise to utilize that. I used to resist the wave of up and down and limit myself for the sake of consistency. I've learned trying to keep anything constant is a bad thing, everything needs an up and down kind of cycle to exist. In the past when I'd naturally feel good and have the motivation to do a bunch of things, I'd stop myself because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up when the down came back. But in doing so I missed out on a lot of productivity/joy. These days I'm better about recognizing that it's best to use the energy I'm given when I have it.

As usual a huge problem I've caught again is losing touch with who I am. I forget that I am a conscious being in an ever evolving world. I think because of my relative isolation as a child along with unhindered consumption of digital media, I have an inclination to view the world as a sort of video game and people like NPCs. Inherently I get the feeling that there is nothing beyond what I can see and that a lot of people are no more than very simple, meaningless characters. I do not like this about myself, it's not a good worldview and I feel really good when I break out of it every now and then. I want to see the humanity in people better. It doesn't help though that many people are afraid to express themselves and adopt an oversimplified personality to hide behind. And more or less being locked in this room doesn't help me grasp the grandeur of this world. I think that would change if I learned how to drive, I think I'd better understand the true freedom we all have to translate ourselves across the surface of our world.

11:01pm

This morning was leftover pizza and a granola bar for breakfast. Stream was good, sketching was fruitful and I made good progress on the last commission this month. Also finished another YCH and started sketching potential new ones.

I sorted a few boxes while cleaning today and threw some stuff out. Two places I'd consider untamed lands in my cabin are the top of the closet and the compartment next to the toilet. Both of these places could use a little cleaning out. To me they are like the 2 cabinets above most fridges.

Lunch was stir fry noodles. I was surprisingly starving while cooking it and after eating I felt kinda bloated. Something is up with my tummy today and I think it could be the apple oatmeal I made yesterday since apples naturally contain the kind of sugar I think upsets my stomach. I hung out in David's server for the first time in awhile and got cozy while I did my work. Eventually the call turned annoying because 3 guys were basically all making independent noise so I left. I almost finished my Princess Bubblegum picture so it should be done tomorrow.

After a bit of rest, I played Just Dance with Daisy. Usually I try too hard to match the hand movement perfectly but today I let go and vaguely copied the moves in my own way, whatever felt natural.

I kinda goofed around while she worked on her fursuit in call. I was a little self conscious today because in general I don't like how I look, especially my face and hair. I felt sort of ugly today but I knew that was an exaggeration and that it doesn't even matter if I am. I know I shouldn't have to perform for her either. We watched some Adventure Time and youtube videos. I tried playing Starfield but wasn't feeling it. Also tried to finish that Bubblegum pic but wasn't feeling that either. I took a short video to try and scan my vacuum cleaner which seemed to work fine so I might try a room scan tomorrow.

This evening I just felt like existing and I hope I didn't come off as boring or something. I really just wanted to chill in the same space until something naturally came up instead of always searching for something to do or a way to become stimulated. Maybe sometimes I want to do nothing and try to enjoy some simply emotional security.

I've been selfish lately. In a selfish phase if you will. It's much to complicated to fully explain this dynamic I stumble into sometimes but in a way I haven't been myself. I've been operating based on my feelings and have been focused on taking things for myself as a sort of survival mechanism. When I snap out of it I remember how real affection means giving without expecting something back. I remember to enjoy what I have and to be less afraid of losing it. I start to see the importance of my own interests and it's easier to pursue them.

#thoughts #act therapy #journal #diary

1 note · View note