#i just wish everyone saw me the way i do. i literally cannot comprehend how anyone looks at me and goes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

abarbaricyalp · 3 years

Note

handholding- 10/12/13

hugs - 34

kisses - 7/13/27

touching - 47

sambucky :)

Buddies, I literally cannot believe I managed to get all of these done without being too repetitive.

Handholding 10: Happily doing everything with one hand if that means they don't have to let go is already posted on my blog and on AO3: ElisabethMonroe: (til i carry you home) Your Hand in My Hand

Reblogging with AO3 links in a second

Kisses 27: Desperate Kisses

Inhale My Soul

(Listen, listen y'all, you don't know how many different universes of them dying and bleeding out in each other's arms y'all aren't reading here. I didn't do that to you. You're welcome)

Dissolving hadn’t felt like anything. Sam wasn’t sure he even understood what was actually happening. Maybe he’d thought it was just a trick of the reality stone. Maybe human minds weren’t meant to comprehend anything close to what had happened.

Coming back felt like dying.

He woke up on his back and he couldn’t breathe. It was like he had no lungs at all, just a trachea spasming in his throat without air, like a gills with no water. He grasped for the ground and the feeling of dirt was horrifying, a grave waiting to swallow him down into the Earth. The wind was knives on his skin. His suit felt like it was trying to pry his spine from his ribs. His legs ached like someone was trying to stretch the bones on a crank.

He must’ve screamed but there was no air to make a noise.

Finally sight came back and the first thing he saw were the trees falling over him, ready to crush him and hide him again.

Had anyone seen him disappear? No one was by his side. No one looked for him.

No, the trees weren’t falling. They were swaying in the wind. The sun kept gliding down through them with every shuffle of the leaves.

It was so quiet he felt like he could hear the leaves sighing as they grew.

It took him too long to realize the ragged breath that broke the silence like a gunshot came from his own chest. The hands digging his own grave shot to his chest, felt the rise and fall of his ribs and lungs, the proof that he was breathing. He was alive again.

He rolled onto his side and heaved until his ribs creaked, still firmly attached to his spine. There was nothing to come up, but the noise was comforting, the ache that he could name and handle was safe. Human. Living human.

His knees were in his legs when he leaned back on his haunches. They sank into the earth but the grave didn’t swallow him down. No unwilling sacrifice to be taken from him. He brought his dirt covered fingers--firm and whole and attached to him--up to his face. He found his cheeks, a beard with edges that were too straight for a man who had died and been put back together, his teeth. They throbbed in his gums like they were all about to fall out but they were there in his head. His tongue.

He could speak.

“Steve!” he shouted and his throat screamed in protest, the air in his lungs turned to fire. “Steve!” he called again and forced himself to his feet. His boots were tied. His pants were still tucked into them. There was no blood, which seemed wrong. He felt flayed open and left to soak into the ground. How could there be no blood?

“Steve!”

God, if Steve was dead…

Sam couldn’t lose more people. He couldn’t fight his way back. Not after this. Not while everything hurt so fucking much.

“Steve, please, God, where are you?!”

“Sam?”

Sam whirled around at the tired voice. The trees danced in his vision. The grass clutched at his legs, which still felt like they were being stretched out and sunk into the earth. The trees were going to take him over. The grass was going to eat him again. No one was looking. No one would find him. Why wasn’t anyone ever looking for him?

“Sam?” the voice called again.

Footsteps. Crushing grass. A metal screech in the bark of a tree. A colorful curse. “Sam, fuck, shout again!”

Sam stumbled forward, breaking free of the natural world trying to take him away again. He shoved himself away from a tree and crashed into a warm, solid, human body.

“Jesus, Sam,” Bucky breathed and wrapped his arms around Sam tightly. It hurt in the best way. Sam held him back, face hidden in Bucky’s shoulder. He didn’t even care about what gore he was smearing all over himself. Bucky’s hand came to the back of Sam’s head and Sam almost expected it to hit exposed brain but it didn’t. Instead his calloused fingers brushed over Sam’s short hair, smoothing over the natural lines and divots in it until goosebumps erupted over Sam’s skin.

Right. Things could feel good. That was part of being human and alive.

He had no idea how long they stood there. His shoulders were aching, but in a pleasant way that reminded him that there was something he loved right in front of him, in his arms.

Bucky was the first to move, stepping back half a step, a quarter of a step, barely any at all, just enough to bring his hands up to either side of Sam’s face. The cheeks and the mouth and the skin that was all there and new again. He tilted Sam’s head back, eyes intense and clear in front of Sam.

Had it not felt the same for him? Was he not grappling with his ridiculously weak claim to existence? Or, fuck, was this how he always felt after being frozen and woken up? Had he been going through this for seventy years with no one to run to? With no one to hold him and remind him that things could feel good?

Sam’s fingers tightened in Bucky’s vest and just as Bucky was starting to say something Sam couldn’t honestly answer--something about how he felt, if anything hurt, if he needed medical attention--Sam hauled him down into a desperate kiss. Their noses smashed together and pain bloomed across Sam’s face, made his eyes water, made him want to sneeze, made him want to lean into it all the more, like the pressed-on-bruise ache of Bucky’s arms around him.

He felt Bucky’s teeth notch a split into Sam’s lip by accident, crushed together with nowhere to go. Finally it softened. Bucky’s mouth pressed against his until Sam felt like he could actually breathe, until he could make his mouth do what he wanted, catch Bucky’s lower lip between both of his, wring out a noise he’d never heard the other man make before. Bucky’s hands on his face kept him close and Sam’s fingers tightened in his vest. He wanted to crawl into Bucky’s chest--felt like, maybe, he could after being unmade and remade. Their noses knocked together again as Sam tried to turn his head, kiss the other side of Bucky’s mouth, let Bucky bruise the rest of his lips.

Bucky pulled away, but didn’t let go of Sam’s face. Cool air flowed into Sam’s lungs until all of his bones and muscles felt like they slotted back into place.

“I can’t tell you how fucking happy I am to see you alive,” Bucky breathed.

We should talk about this. That. Later.

“I thought everyone was gone. I don’t know… I didn’t know how I came back. I thought it was just me.”

Bucky shook his head. “No. There’s hundreds of people. Not everyone, but at least half of us.”

Half of them.

“Oh my God,” Sam said. “Thanos won. He wiped out half of the universe.”

“I think that was us. I think...someone brought us back,” Bucky said. Pain flashed over his face as he looked at Sam and then pulled him in for another kiss. Sam tried to understand a second chance in it, but all he could feel was Bucky and relief and adoration. He wasn’t sure where that one came from more--him or Bucky.

“There’s still a fight,” someone said from behind them. Another magic shithead. Terror clutched at Sam’s chest like magic itself was enough to unmake him again, take him away again. “There’s still a world to save.”

Bucky’s hand found Sam’s between their bodies. Sam took a breath with lungs that almost seemed to work again. “What’re we waiting for then?” he asked.

Kiss 13: Frustrated Kiss

Better Than None

“Barnes, you wanna jump in? Any time’s fine,” Sam called out, though the volume wasn’t actually necessary, since he had an earpiece in and Bucky was only a few feet away, leaned on what was left of a building’s wall.

“Nah, you seem to be handling it just fine,” Bucky called back with a nod.

Sam ducked under the robot arm that had been flung at him. “Barnes, I swear, as soon as I get my hands on you--” he threatened.

“Y’know, normally that gets me going but seein’ as you were so anti-giving me a good luck kiss, I don’t know if I believe you anymore.”

“We don’t have time for this!” Sam threw the shield to cut through seven wire-y necks and caught it at degree 355 of its arc.

“It’s just a kiss. Takes two/tenths of a second,” Bucky said.

“I meant this dumbass argument.” Sam jumped out of the way of an electrical charge and Bucky watched it sail dangerously close to his head.

“Damn, maybe I am lucky without you,” he said and didn’t move at all.

“Bucky,” Sam sighed and ripped the head off of the nearest robot.

“Hot. Wish I could show you my appreciation.”

“How does me not giving you a good luck kiss translate you into not giving me any kisses?”

“It only seems fair. You’re putting my well-being at risk. There should be consequences.”

“That’s not how it works! You’re the one not--” Jesus, he didn’t have time to fall for the bait. He freed a mini-EMP from his utility belt and hurled it at the cluster of robots trying to scale the debris that first responders were using as a barricade to the rest of the street. A few seconds later, the robots fell away, powerless and useless.

“I kind of felt that in my arm,” Bucky said.

Sam growled out a huff and stalked over to Bucky. He shoved the front of the shield against his chest a little roughly and leaned in to kiss him, mostly teeth and irritation. The bastard still looked pleased when Sam pulled away.

“Good luck. Now will you please go do your job?”

Bucky grinned, all teeth and victory, and bolted into action.

Kisses 7: Passionate Kiss

Hand holding 13: Linking hands during s**

Bring Heaven to You

Sam swore he could feel Bucky’s mouth all over him. Every inch of his skin felt electric and alive. Frankenstein’s creature surging to life after a bolt of lightning, every nerve and muscle singing at the same time, overwhelming sensation in the best way. Like a freefall that keep him tethered to the mismatched hands clutching at his hips, his ribs, his chest, his shoulders, his thighs, the backs of his knees. Like Bucky couldn’t decide where he should be shocking Sam back to life either.

Bucky dragged his hand down Sam’s side, flat and steady so Sam could feel the golden band on his finger scorching his skin like it was made of fire. Like vows and rings and heavy promises weren’t enough to prove they belonged to each other, like they needed it written in flesh and blood like everything else about their lives.

Hahahaha, no. The rest is on AO3. Link in the reblog

Hand holding 12: Possessive hand holding

A Green Monster, And No We Don’t Mean The Hulk

“Welcome back to the show, Captain America!” a bubbly, young talk show host greeted. Bucky assumed he’d watched at least a few seconds of the program at some point when he was making it his life mission not to leave his apartment, but he couldn’t place her name for the life of him. “And you brought Mr. Barnes with you!” This she said with much less genuine enthusiasm and didn’t seem all that thrilled to have to look away from Sam to address Bucky.

“Well, you know I can’t stay away too long,” Sam said with a friendly smile. He held out his hand and the host took it in both of hers. It was less a hand shake and more an excuse for her to hang onto Sam, it looked like.

Sam and Bucky sat in the cushy seats for guests and, even though they’d already walked through the staging of this whole farce, Bucky was still deeply tempted to take Sam’s seat so he was between Sam and the host.

“So, Sam, last time we saw each other, you weren’t yet Captain America.”

“Funny how fast things like that can change, right?” Sam asked with twinkling eyes. Bucky wondered if the cameras were bolted down and if he could wrench one free even if they were.

“Well, I think it’s still not soon enough,” the host said and tossed her long hair over her shoulder. “You’ve always been Cap to us here. You’ve been so vocal about your mission statement as Captain America, so I won’t make you repeat yourself.” Sam nodded gratefully, though Bucky knew he’d repeat his goals and wishes until he ran out of breath if it meant one more person heard them and got inspired. “So I thought we could focus on what’s going on behind the scenes with you. Has anything else changed for you since you’ve been back?”

As if coming back to life wasn’t enough.

“Oh, definitely,” Sam said. “Buck and I just finished flipping a house down by my sister. Y’know, we got decent temporary accommodations--Buck still has his in New York--and staying with my sister again was nice, but there’s nothing like having a house to come home to that’s just ours. No pre-teens stealing all the food outta the fridge immediately after grocery shopping.”

The host laughed along with Sam, though her eyes couldn’t quite keep from flickering to Bucky. “It’s fun that you’re rooming with Mr. Barnes. Does it feel like having college roommates again?”

Sam frowned, opened his mouth to answer, ran through a bunch of diplomatic ways to say what should’ve been obvious but wasn’t because this lady was into Sam. Which, like, Bucky couldn’t blame her for. But he was anyway.

He reached over to grab Sam’s hand where it was picking at a loose thread in his pants. “Actually, it’s more like just living with a partner,” he answered for Sam. “That’s something else that’s changed too, huh?” he directed at Sam. “Turns out, with consistent showers and therapy, he thinks I’m pretty charming.”

Sam frowned again and scoffed. “No, I do not. That hasn’t changed.”

The host laughed again, forced but a decent show anyway. “Sure, we all love a good bromance,” she said.

Bucky’s eyebrows shot up.

“Don’t,” Sam warned.

“It’s a lot like a bromance, yeah. Just without the B,” Bucky said. “We kind of figured my name had enough Bs to last us for a while.”

“Sam, are you saying--”

Sam sighed and brought his other hand up to the bridge of his nose. “Unfortunately. And, yeah, he’s always like this. Some kinda puffed up bulldog or something.”

Bucky’s fingers tightened around Sam’s. “You’re my partner. I’m allowed to tell people that.”

“You don’t ever stop telling people.”

“Can’t blame him,” the host pointed out. Okay, maybe some of the hostility was misplaced, Bucky thought. Only some of it. “How did we not know about this, Cap?” she asked jovially, though Bucky thought she was still a little upset.

Sam shrugged. “Guess it’s not as exciting as superheroing. And cameras keep ending up destroyed,” he added pointedly.

Bucky narrowed his eyes at the accusation. “Half the places we go could be classified as an active war zone. It’s not always on me that media cameras get crushed under debris or aliens or something.”

“Every single one that catches you touching my face?”

Bucky shrugged.

“So...how long has this been a thing?” the host asked.

“Since before Sam took the shield. It’s actually a package deal. If you want the shield, you have to have me.”

Sam rolled his eyes and let out another long suffering sigh. “I’m sorry he’s ruining this interview.”

“Oh, no, I’m about to win an investigative journalism prize, I think,” the host laughed.

“I don’t know how investigative it is when your subject is physically incapable of shutting up,” Sam said, looking over at Bucky with a glare and the smallest pout that made Bucky want to kiss it off of his face.

So he did, holding their interlaced fingers next to their face to hide from the cameras at least a little bit.

Hugging 34: Hugging while grabbing butt

Get Sprung

(Man, I meant to put this in the fr@ story and forgot :/ )

The building came down faster than Sam expected it to. He supposed well placed explosives would do that. What happened to uncertain, uneven dynamite? Why was everything electrical and precise nowadays?

He had no idea how Bucky managed to get Sam and the shield bundled in his arms before the ceiling came down. He didn’t know how Bucky had managed to kick a piece of wall upright and then locked his metal arm to hold the shield in place above them. He had no idea how Bucky knew it’d make the perfect alcove for them. For someone who pretended not to know what math was when AJ asked for help on homework, he was very calculation savvy.

Bucky slowly freed his arm from the straps of the shield. The rubble shifted a little, pressed a little closer, and then stilled again. They both let out a small breath. There wasn’t enough room to lay out totally, or to stand fully, but they weren’t being crushed. Bucky’s arm joined the other around Sam’s waist. Sam dropped his face to Bucky’s shoulder and let Bucky’s pulse drum against his cheek for a second.

“Are you grabbing my ass?” he finally asked and Bucky coughed out a startled laugh.

“Yeah, you better hope it’s me and not some darkness monster.”

“Couldn’t blame the monster if it was,” Sam said.

“I gotta make sure it’s still there. Would be a shame to lose America’s ass, y’know.”

Sam shook his head and pulled away from Bucky enough to light up his wristlets. He shook them off and rested them on pieces of concrete and rebar to light the space.

Bucky sank down to the ground, legs bent a little to accommodate the space and Sam followed him down, settling between his legs.

“So, now we wait, huh?” he said, reaching for Bucky’s hands to tangle their fingers together.

“Guess we gotta,” Bucky agreed. “Are you hurt?”

Sam shook his head. There was still a ringing in his ears from the explosion and he was sore from Bucky tackling him out of the way, but nothing felt crushed or cut or broken. “You?”

“I’m fine,” Bucky said and then let out a breath at Sam’s arched brow. “I mean it. I’m not playing tough or anything. We got lucky. It came down on us, not sideways into us. I think there’s something lodged between the plates in my arm, but I don’t want you to do anything about it until we’re safe. It’s functional right now. I don’t need to be down an arm if we have to dig out.”

“We’re not gonna have to dig out,” Sam said. “Torres’ll track Redwing to us.”

“How’s your dumb robot?”

Sam reached for a wristlet and navigated to the Redwing menu. “Operational. Some exterior dinging, but nothing serious. He’ll be functional if we need.” Sam set the wristlet aside again and sighed. “Fuck, that was close, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. C’mere,” Bucky said, opening his arms. Sam shifted forward on his knees and leaned against Bucky’s chest, hugging him close. “‘M glad you’re okay,” Bucky murmured, lips brushing Sam’s temple.

Sam nodded and rubbed Bucky’s waist for a second. “Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re grabbing my ass again.”

“I know.”

“Alright.”

Touch 47: Touching their elbow to get their attention

Quiet Birds Circling in Flight

(Jeez, the only thing that came to mind for ages on this prompt involved a spaceship but these men have SEEN aliens and spaceships so that’s not as fun :(((((( )

Sam stood outside the cenotaph long after everyone else had left the service. And that was quite the feat in and of itself. It felt like the mourning could go on for years. There’d been enough tears around him that he wasn’t sure what his own would add to the spectacle.

To everyone else, the cenotaph was a mausoleum. But Sam had been next to Bucky when he told the military to quietly bury him in the cemetery where his parents were both buried. “You know,” Bucky had said one afternoon while they watched the cenotaph being built stone by stone, engraving by engraving, “I’d wager that most mausoleums are just cenotaphs. Grave robbing and reactions to grave robbing mean probably everyone just got moved somewhere safer.”

“Plus decomposition.”

“Well, shit, Wilson. When do you stop being you after death? When does dirt become dirt again? When isn’t it your resting place? Does it even matter where your body is when alls said and done? Is that ever actually you or just a space filler?”

Sam had elbowed Bucky’s ribs and they’d each taken a piece of stone and pretended they didn’t see.

Sam weighed the shield against his shin, knocking it slightly to the side, and then looked up at the stone one ten more feet above his head.

Steve would hate this so much. Sam felt like he could feel his raging blush from the after life. Sam and Bucky had both asked for something more muted, something quieter. Hell, something that would do good for the world Steve was always trying to save. All this money and work and art, for what? A place to take pictures for likes on the internet?

No, Sam had to remind himself, it was a place for memory too.

As much as Sam kind of hated the whole thing, he couldn’t deny that looking up at the effigy of his friend inspired him the same way glancing over at him had in life too. The words wrapping around and around the base of the cenotaph sparked the same intense pride and righteousness they had the first time he heard them.

Maybe he didn’t hate the cenotaph. Maybe he just wanted the real thing back.

He startled at a gentle touch at his elbow. He thought it might’ve been another mourner come to offer condolences, though those mostly went to Bucky when someone was brave enough to approach him. Most people hadn’t looked at Sam twice. Not when Captain America was, in theory, laying in rest thirty feet beyond.

Sam was not in the mood to listen to anyone else talk about the time Steve smiled at them in a cafe or grabbed their cat out of a tree. If he heard his name again, he was going to break down.

But he had the shield now. He had to do the things Steve did. Smile when he didn’t want to. Hide any sign of weakness, lest it reflect poorly on the red, white, and blue he carried now. So he ground his teeth together until his gums ached and turned with a screwed on smile.

But it wasn’t a mourner. Not a random one anyway.

Bucky still had his fingers on Sam’s elbow, a sad look on his face. Dawn was creeping over the horizon and Sam realized with a start and a bloom of despair in his stomach that he’d spent the entire night in the park.

“Think if we wait two more days he’ll shove that stupid stone shield out of the way and come out?” Sam asked, voice wavering like a flag in the wind.

“We would literally never hear the end of it if he did,” Bucky pointed out.

Neither of them smiled. Neither of them really meant their jokes.

Sam finally broke down.

He collapsed against Bucky’s chest. It wasn’t until he lost his breath in the middle of a sob that he realized he wasn’t the only one shaking. Bucky was crying too. They clutched at each other, both terrified they might drift away, that the other might decide this was too difficult too and go back to something better at the first opportunity.

Sam didn’t even blame Steve. He’d laid awake in the temporary accommodation the government had put him up in and tried to convince himself that if he was in Steve’s shoes, he wouldn’t have saved Riley and stayed in that timeline. But he couldn’t. He knew he would have, almost certainly. And it wasn’t fair to ask Steve to give up a happy, quiet ending after more than a century of fighting and hurting.

But understanding it and accepting it didn’t make it hurt any less. “What are we supposed to do, Bucky?” he asked with an irritatingly genuine hiccup at the end of his words.

“I don’t know,” Bucky said, sounding for all the world like he was grinding his teeth together, trying to pull himself back together. “You have a lot more options than me.”

And it was true. Sam had had a job. The Air Force had reached out since he’d been back stateside. He had a family who missed him, who he missed. But it felt like something heavy and tethering had been locked away in that empty cenotaph. He didn’t want to walk away yet.

Bucky stepped back, kept a hand on Sam’s elbow. “For now, we should get back home. You need to sleep.”

Sam didn’t want to sleep. Everything hurt too much.

“Sam, come on,” Bucky insisted. “You don’t have to make any decisions right now.We could both use a few hours of being quiet, right?

Sam reached up to wipe the tears from his face. He had the shield. He had to act like it. “My place or yours?” he asked, still watery.

Bucky pretended like he didn’t notice. “Yours is nicer than mine.”

“And I have a bed.”

“I have a bed.”

“It’s unassembled in a box.”

Bucky squeezed his elbow and then tugged him into a brief hug that Sam was pretty sure they’d never speak of again. “Let’s get out of here. He’s not goin’ nowhere.”

Sam rubbed at his face again and nodded. “We-- We should order in. When’s the last time you ate?” he asked as they walked away.

“I had a better breakfast than you.”

“You didn’t have to give a speech.”

“Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t throw up in front of everyone.”

“Shut up, I’m a great public speaker.”

“Sure, Wilson.”

“Screw you, Barnes.”

The dawn bloomed before them.

Do not stand

By my grave, and weep.

I am not there,

I do not sleep—

I am the thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints in snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle, autumn rain.

As you awake with morning’s hush,

I am the swift, up-flinging rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight,

I am the day transcending night.

Do not stand

By my grave, and cry—

I am not there,

I did not die.

#sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #captain america #sambucky fanfic #writing #i answer things #the falcon and the winter soldier #prompt answers

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frostsinth · 3 years

Text

Royal Flush - Pt. 13 (Final Chapter)

Part 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12 - MasterList - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - Art - ... Art - Art - Art

To those of you who have made it this far through this story; congratulations. You literally just read a novel length romance about a Goblin King and a Human Prince. The final tally for this story? 149,053 Words. In my doc file, this totals to 239 pages (size 11/arial font) . I made a final art piece to commemorate this chapter, HERE.

This has been... Such a journey. Such an adventure. I have loved every last second of this and I hope you all did too. I don’t know how this chapter will be received, but for now, this will be the end for Nikostratus and Grier...

Thank you all so very much for your support, and please please PLEASE reblog/comment/ask/DM me with your thoughts or prompts or ideas or headcannons. I love these two and I can’t talk about them enough...

If you love this story, please also consider supporting me on BuyMeACoffee which you can access through my MasterList above. Want more of the boys? I’d willingly take commissions on them, or any of my other characters (or a new one, just for you!). Times are tough for everyone, and I hope I was able to bring a little light for a time with this story...

Much love, and thank you.

I skimmed the last line once more, then glanced over the entire document to be sure that everything else was properly in order before signing my name neatly at the bottom. I passed the page to Hibik and turned to the next. I felt the very tip of my eyebrow twitch as my eyes settled on it and I looked up at the goblin.

“Lord Hibik-”

“Apologies, My Prince,” He rushed to explain, “I know you do not usually sign anything that is in goblinese. However, this is simply a trade manifesto from one of the outlying cities. If you so wish, I can translate every word for you before you sign.”

I waited patiently for him to finish, but plucked up the parchment and held it out to him none-the-less. “While I appreciate your diligence, and certainly trust you in all manners of state, I simply cannot sign anything I cannot read for myself.” I told him, my voice formal and flat, but still with the lingering edges of my exhaustion in it. “I have no doubt it is exactly what you say it is, however should I choose to sign it and it is brought before me at some other time, I would be unable to distinguish it from anything else in goblinese.” I shook my head. “If I cannot understand something without a mediary, then I should not be trying to pass authority on it.”

Hibik nodded, dropping his gaze lightly. Seeming humbled. “Of course, My Prince. You have proven once more your unerring logic in such matters of state... My apologies to have questioned your wisdom at all.”

“Have it translated if it is urgent. Otherwise, it shall just have to wait until my goblinese has advanced or…” I dropped off, and felt my throat get tight.

The King’s secretary nodded again, and I could see the sad tinge around his eyes at my words. I started to search for some formal platitude. Some simple comfort to reassure him that everything would be fine… But I found the lie stuck to the roof of my mouth uncomfortably and I could not force it free. I looked down at the last document on the desk before me instead, pretending to read through it. My eyes ran over the first paragraph about four times before I was finally able to begin actually comprehending it. I tried not to think about the fact that the Master Healer was still visiting with the only other person with authority to sign such documents. And the painful knowledge that the individual was still in no state to do so. I tried to resist the urge to look over at the door to his chambers every few seconds. As if I would be able to discern what was happening or what fresh prognosis the Healer would bring. And I worked very hard to deny that I already knew what his conclusions would be.

It took me a little longer than usual to read the final document that required my signature, but finally it was done. Just as I was finishing with the usual dab of my quill at the end of my full name, there was a light knock on the door. I glanced up as Seoc opened it, and was mildly surprised to see the General standing beyond, his hands neatly tucked behind his back.

Hibik took the final page to sand as Seoc and Damjan spoke together softly. When Seoc glanced over at me, I gave him a small nod of approval, which he quickly relayed to the General. Damjan strode over slowly, a few crumpled pages in his own hands. I resisted the urge to sigh, and the prickling of hairs at the back of my neck as I longed to be done with all this official tedium. Longed to be back in the quiet solitude of the King’s sick room. I swallowed the lump in my throat as subtly as I was able, and moved to stand in order to greet the General.

He raised one large hand. “Perhaps it is best if you remain seated, My Prince.” He informed me as his own greeting, which splashed a cold chill down my spine.

Hibik lingered, signed documents in hand, glancing between myself and Damjan. I saw the pair exchange a brief glance, one which communicated far more than most, and saw the edges of the secretary’s lips twitch. Perhaps debating if he should stay. But when he glanced over to me again, I waved him away with a reassuring nod.

“Thank you for your time, My Prince.” he told me hesitantly, bowing low.

Damjan shifted as Hibik made his way out, and I turned my attention to him. “What brings you, General?”

The hesitation he presented me with had another icy breath running down my back. I watched the man shift again, clenching and unclenching his oversized hands around the papers within them. I glanced down at that, then back up to his face. I allowed one eyebrow to raise ever so slightly. Damjan cleared his throat.

“I have just received word from our… “contacts” in the Kingdom of Geriveria.” He told me, his voice thin with his persistent reluctance.

He dropped off, and I made a point not to let my eyes wander. Fixing him with a steadfast gaze. When he still had not spoken after a few moments, I tapped one finger lightly on the small table beside me where I had set my quill and inkwell.

“I assume you have some news which you deemed important enough to bring before me.” I concluded flatly, and was not reassured as the General winced. “Please, proceed.”

Damjan straightened, collecting himself. “... Our contacts have confirmed the information stating King Tibertius had fallen ill just after our visit to the castle…” He gritted his teeth, and dropped his eyes, “... And I have just received word… that last night he succumbed to his illness.”

The world around me seemed to shift at his words... I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Wasn’t sure what that news elicited in me. I froze for a moment, staring at him blankly. I felt my thumb roll thoughtlessly against the fabric of the armchair I was seated in.

“... The human King is dead?”

I watched his eyes flick up to me from the ground, equally uncertain what to make of my uncharacteristically callous and pointed remark. He nodded slowly. “Yes… It has not been formally announced yet, however I am confident in our sources who have reported it.”

I turned this over for a moment in the hollow echoing expanse of my mind. “Was it the Rotting Sickness?” My voice sounded distant, and I wasn’t entirely sure I had spoken at all.

“It is unclear at this time, though we do not believe it likely.” He responded softly. “Even given that he refused our protective Warding, there were other factors in place for his benefit.”

I nodded ever so slightly, running my whole hand slowly over the arm of my chair now. “Crown Prince Valerianus will send formal word to us soon.” I told him. “Be sure to have an appropriate response prepared. And tighten the patrols and guard at the border, in case there is any backlash from the announcement.”

I saw him hesitate again. “... My Prince-”

“Keep abreast of your ‘contacts’ as well.” I continued, pretending he hadn’t spoken. “I wish to know if Crown Prince Valerianus is officially coronated, or if he otherwise sets a date for it.” I glanced off to the side, hardly realizing I was no longer really seeing anything around myself anymore. “I will draft a letter for him, and a formal statement, in preparation for that news as well.”

Damjan nodded his affirmation. “As you wish, My Prince…” He chewed on his tongue only briefly before speaking again, “... And if you need someone to talk to… I wanted to let you know I am here for you. In whatever capacity you may have need of me.”

I stood, unhurried, and tugged my vest to straighten it as I did. “I do appreciate the offer, General, but there is no need.”

“Prince Nikostratus,” He followed quickly, before I could dismiss him, his head tilting ever so slightly to the side, “Whatever else your relationship with that man was… he was still your father.” I stiffened slightly at the word. “This is not easy news to bear, in any situation.”

I returned my gaze to him, my expression still set in stone. “Thank you for your concern, General Damjan, however I can assure you, I am fine.” I paused briefly, glancing over towards the bedroom in a moment of weakness. “... I would request this information remains between us for now, though.” I almost winced, but squared my shoulders instead. Keeping my voice even, my features stony. “I believe it would be best for Princess Morgana to hear this news from me.”

He dipped his head respectfully. “Of course, My Prince.” I nearly jumped with surprise as his big hand fell on my shoulder. “Whatever you need. Do not hesitate to ask.”

I nodded to him curtly, and he withdrew his hand. Dropping into a polite bow before he took his leave. I turned my attention to the back room, making my way over with halting steps intermittently set amid my long stride. The Master Healer was just gathering up his things as I approached. He turned and bowed to me, his long beard brushing the floor.

“My Prince.” He intoned respectfully.

“How is the King?” I asked, my voice flat to withhold my impending dread of his answer.

The Master Healer flinched, unable to conceal his thoughts quite so easily. “He remains the same, My Prince.” He replied softly. “I have given him a tonic to ease his symptoms and perhaps allow for a more fitful rest… However there is not much more I can offer for him at this time.”

I nodded, burying the sorrow and disappointment at his words deep into my already hollowed out chest. “Thank you, Your Grace,” My eyes followed him as he slowly raised from his bow, “I appreciate your efforts greatly.”

“I only wish there was more I could do, My Prince.” He murmured.

Another curt nod. Which was the best I could manage. “Seoc will show you out.” I informed him numbly.

My attendant closed the bedroom door behind them, for which I was grateful. They had all stopped trying to convince me to retire to my own chambers a few days ago, as they had realized it would fall on ears both too stubborn and too deaf to their pleas. Even Morgana and ina Morag relented their persuasive efforts, instead focusing on bringing whatever they could to me here. I tried to pretend I stayed out of duty and responsibility. I tried to pass off my vigil as nothing more than what would be expected of any other individual so politically tied to the King as I was. It made it easier, in a way, than trying to accept my real reasons... It stung that I was apparently not hiding it well from the others; that they could see my vulnerability, and perhaps that they had some understanding of my decision that I could not grasp myself.

Slowly, I lowered myself into the armchair beside the bed, finally building the courage to look upon the King once more. I watched his labored breathing for a few long minutes, listening to the raspy rush of air in and out of his lungs. My palms came to my lap, and I thumbed at them absentmindedly as I felt the stone I had sheltered behind for the formal proceedings slowly cracking and crumbling away.

I glanced down at my hands, and found they were shaking. “.... King Tibertius is dead.” I informed him, my voice soft to preserve the hushed silence of the chamber. I hesitated, squeezing my thumb into my palm until it hurt. “... my… my father... is dead…” I finally released a heavy sigh, and felt my shoulders slump. “... I honestly don’t… I don’t know how to feel about it…”

My gaze lifted back to look over at him, and I shuddered at the sight. I didn’t like seeing him lay so still. I had spent days watching him, a statue on guard at his side. Silent and unmoving. I wasn’t sure I could do it for even a moment longer. I shifted, then stood again, reaching over to take up the cooling cloth from the water basin beside the bed. I settled on the edge of the mattress beside him. So that I could reach him better, I told myself. I brushed the wild bangs out of his face, then smoothed the damp cloth across his brow.

He seemed to sigh beneath my touch, and I bent over him to study his face. His skin was more grey than green now, and I could feel the heat rising off his body. I traced my eyes over the edge of his jaw, down to the point of his chin. I committed the shape of his nose to memory, and lingered on the curve of his lashes against his cheek. Before I had even realized I was doing it, I found my fingers skimming along the prominent ridge of his brow, and my thumbs smoothing down his slender eyebrows. He shifted beneath my touch, so slightly I thought perhaps I might have imagined it. I withdrew my hand, hesitating. Placing the cloth back in the basin on the bedside table. But I couldn’t help returning to cup his face, and run my thumb along the crest of his cheek. I felt the tiny beveling of his grey-green skin, taking a moment for it. I had never so carefully studied the quality of his flesh without some other thought or pressure weighing on me. I chose to do so now. To memorize everything I possibly could... His fever burned at the pads of my hand, but I ignored it.

The now familiar ache settled in my chest, throbbing with each pulse of my heart. I ran my hand down the side of his face, along the curve of his throat. My fingers cupped around the back of his neck, and I gave a gentle squeeze. I stared at his eyes, longing for them to open again. Longing to see those mischievous, sparkling red irises. It had been days since he had last opened his eyes… Not since he had begged me to lay alongside him…

With his last request heavy on my mind, I looked over my shoulder at the door, then back down at him. My numb fingers rose of their own accord, and fumbled with the buttons on my vest. Then tugged my tunic haphazardly from its tuck as I folded the vest to set on the cushion of the armchair beside us. Once my boots joined it, I took a steadying breath then carefully climbed into the bed next to him. Now I knew I wasn’t imagining it when his head turned weakly. As if he could sense me there… I knew I was fooling myself. I gently collected him into my arms, and nearly faltered for the limpness of his body. But there was a strange reassurance of feeling his raspy breath against my collarbone. I rested my chin on the top of his head, shivering slightly despite the hot body I had tucked against me.

“... I don’t know how to tell Morgana…” I breathed quietly, uncertain what else to do. My eyes squeezed shut. “Gods… I just… I-I can’t… With everything else…” I wrapped my arms a little further around him. “... Please... Grier…” The taste of his name stung my mouth. “I can’t do this by myself…” I swallowed hard. “Y-you always asked me what I wanted… a-and I never had an answer for you… Usually because I just.. I didn’t know… but…” I buried my face in his damp hair. “But I know I don’t want this… and I know I was… hesitant… A-and… maybe reluctant to… to let this relationship be anything more than political...” The words felt heavy and foreign in my mouth, yet as I spoke them, it seemed easier to voice the rest. I shook my head, still working to dam the pain starting to build in my throat and eyes. “But that doesn’t… that doesn’t mean that I…” I stopped again, swallowing hard and taking a deep steadying breath. “Please… I need… I n-need you to get better… I need you to come back… I-I don’t know what I’m doing anymore… I need you to tell me…” I closed my eyes, knowing I was gushing uselessly, but unable to help myself. “Y-you asked me… you asked me to be strong… to do the best for…” I hesitated. “For our people… I’m… I’m trying… but I-I’m… I’m not the best for them… You are… and I-I… I can’t… It’s… I-it sounds stupid but…” Again I stopped, and laid quietly beside him. Hearing his steady if ragged breathing against me. Feelin the heat of him burn through the fabric of my tunic. Trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts and emotions rallying to burst from me. “... I never used to think of my future… I-I didn’t think I had much of one… but… b-but now I can’t think of a future for me… of a future without you in it…”

I held my breath for a long moment. As if waiting for him to answer. Waiting for him to fill the long silence as he always had before… Instead, I felt myself being blanketed by it. Felt it wriggle and stuff its way down my throat, until it threatened to choke the very air out of my lungs. I hated the silence, as I never had before. It burned and rang in my ears. It smothered me.

“W-what am I doing?” I mumbled to myself, trying to rid myself of the stillness and slowly starting to untangle my body from the goblin’s. “I’m losing my mind-”

I froze suddenly. Not daring to move. Not even daring to draw a breath. After a few shuttering beats of my heart, I slowly looked down to confirm what I thought I had felt… And found Grier’s hand latched weakly on my arm. As if he had heard me. As if he had felt me start to pull away from him.

I knew it was stupid. I was certain it was just some sort of… reflexive reaction. But then he shifted, burying his nose back against my shirt. And I decided I didn’t care. I latched onto the hope that maybe… just maybe… he had somehow heard me. He had sensed my body beside his.

I suddenly remembered the Dowager Queen Morag’s words again as clearly in my mind as if she had been standing over us at that moment. He has good reason to. Is this what she had meant? If Grier needed a reason to come back, to fight this… then perhaps I could remind him he had one… Hadn’t he once said he could listen to the sound of my voice all night? I wondered if he could hear it from wherever he was. If it could bring him back...

“... Hibik has been bringing me any matters of state that need approval.” I told him softly, hesitantly. “I swear… it seems endless… there’s always something else to sign, something else to review…” I sighed, shifting slightly, biting at my tongue for a long moment. “... At least right now, I can use the excuse of not knowing goblinese… that cuts the paperwork down some…” I swallowed, trying to think what else to say. Already feeling anxious that the silence was building too long. “A-all I know is the alphabet… and Korol… Ussta bez, eto chen… umm… Nazia which means ‘name’... a-ah, but you know that…” I flushed slightly. Then I felt him shift against me, felt his breath on my neck, and almost shivered. I hesitated, then ran my hand over the back of his head. “Wh-what else… umm.. Cara, and ina… shiba, onsa… your mother calls Morgana onsakin… th-they get along a little too well, I think…”

I struggled for a while, feeling foolish. But the softness of his breath against my skin, and his hand on my arm, gave me the confidence to continue. For whatever it was worth...

….

“When I was five or so, I got sick like this,” I told him, brushing my fingers through his hair, “High fever, raspy lungs. I remember my mother sat with me all night. Read me stories, and stroked my head until I fell asleep.” I paused, twirling one strand of his hair around my finger. “... We have portraits of her in the halls. Not many, but a few. So I’ll never forget her face… I’d like to send for one, I think… If that would be alright with you.” I put the strand back and delicately picked up another. “But I also remember how she smelled… strange isn’t it? That’s what I remember best about her. She smelled like lilies. I don’t know how, but she always smelled like fresh picked lilies… It hurts a little to think that Morgana smells a lily and doesn’t think of our mother like I do.” My lips twitched distractedly. “Now she thinks of me, because she knows how much I like them… She doesn’t understand quite why… I-I don’t know if I ever told her.”

Grier shifted, nuzzling himself against me and letting out a soft sigh. I released his hair to reach carefully across the bed. Plucking the cloth from the basin. I would need to get more soon; all the water was almost gone. I wrung out the excess, then gently smoothed it across his forehead. Then over his temples. I turned his head and traced it across his lips. His long tongue came out briefly to swipe the moisture that lingered there.

“I remember her voice, too… She had a delicate voice. I don’t think she ever raised it much above a whisper.” I shook my head. “She never yelled… Whenever I did something that perhaps I shouldn’t have, she never yelled at me… She would just get this look… like she was disappointed I hadn’t made a better choice…” I snorted. “I think that was worse somehow… Morgana looks a lot like her, I think. Though my mother had this beautifully rich dark skin… I was very jealous of it. I wanted to have the color of her skin for my own. And it was always very soft.”

I ran the cloth back and forth over his neck. Around the edge of his shoulder blades. Down his spine. Smoothing it across his muscles and grey-green skin.

“I think she would have liked you… I hope she would have… I-I’m not sure how she would have felt about… all this.” I glanced around the chambers, delicately lit by a few sparkling candelabras, strategically placed. I had tucked the rest into neat rows along the tops of the bookshelves. Looking less cluttered and more displayed. “Not the goblin part… I think she would’ve been ah… mostly ok with that…” I chuckled, returning the cloth to the basin and brushing my hand through his soft hair again. “... I don’t think I had really thought about it much back then… girls, I mean…” I swallowed hard, staring down at the foot of the bed while I stroked his hair. “O-or boys for that matter… I wonder if she would’ve been... s-surprised… Though she always seemed to know me better than I knew myself… Valerianus was very, ah... ‘serious’, so the court girls didn’t care for him much, save for the ambitious ones. But they were always fawning over me…” I frowned. “I-I didn’t like it. I hated going to balls and galas or formal dinners. My mother would just laugh and say that I would figure it out when I was a little older…” I sighed. “It sounds silly now, I’m sure… Then she….” I dropped off, taking a steadying breath. “A-and Morgana was the center of my world after that, so I never... I never really questioned it again… I was very good at being polite, at being gracious. But I never returned any… ah…” I shook my head again. “I think… I think I was a year or two shy of twenty when I saw… this man… he was… ah…” I cleared my throat lightly, “He was from another Kingdom… older, but only barely in his thirties if even that… I just remember being struck absolutely dumb by him… I could hardly breathe when I realized he was in the same room as me, and I kept staring… by the Gods it was so embarrassing… I didn’t know what to do with myself around him…”

I jumped at the light knock coming from beyond the bedchambers. Quickly, I looked down at Grier, but he was still in a deep sleep. He was tucked quite neatly against me, his arms wrapped around my middle, his ear against my sternum. He looked rather like he was smiling, I thought. It had been only a day or two since I had given up my post in the armchair beside the bed in favor of lying alongside him. And I hadn’t left since. We are married now after all, I reasoned with my guilt and self-consciousness. I should be allowed... I ran through all the different things I had started telling him since then. Arbitrary things at first. The way the mountains looked out my window. The odd items he had left about the room and where I had put them. Then I started opening up a little more. Telling him little snips of my memories. About the first horse I had ever ridden, and the first time I had held a sword. About Morgana’s first steps, and her first words.

Perhaps it was my imagination, but it seemed like his sleep was less listless when I was speaking. And I found I felt a little better talking to him, rather than lying quietly and simply worrying over the state of him. I constantly feared leaving the silence for too long, as if it were the only tether he had. Barely daring to sleep for fear of it… I wasn’t sure I had ever spoken as much as I had in the past two days.

I stroked his hair back a final time, then carefully untangled myself from his embrace. A soft groan petered from him, and his lips twitched. But I was able to free myself and lay him gently back into the bed.

By the second quiet knock, I was at the door in the foyer and tugging it open. Hibik and the Master Healer stood there, both looking appropriately serious. I didn’t say anything. Didn’t make an attempt to hide my bare torso or feet. Simply pulled the door open the rest of the way and let them in. Nodding to their gracious greetings and formal bows. I was far too exhausted to care about any of that, though I felt a familiar numbness falling about my shoulders like an old coat as I followed them into the bedroom. The Healer went straight to the King’s side, while Hibik moved to take the basin from the table and brought it off to the other room to fill. I saw the Healer’s hands glow, watched him shift them back and forth over Grier’s body, as he had many times before. For his part, the King rolled slightly, grumbling something softly. It made my heart leap lightly in denial of the numbness that had taken up residence in my chest. But I watched the Healer anxiously.

He lowered his hands as Hibik returned, and glanced over at the secretary. Then he shook his head and put his hands on his hips. My heart plummeted back down.

“Well, My Prince,” breathed the Healer, and I stiffened as he turned to me, “I am not sure what you have been doing… but I urge you to keep it up.”

I blinked at him slowly. “What?”

A wide smile suddenly split his lips, and his hands tapped eagerly on his hips. “He’s doing better… Much better really…” I nearly swooned at his words, and reached out to steady myself on the bedpost. “His fever is all but gone. His lungs are clearing… I might be able to do more for him now. A potion perhaps. To revive him more.”

Hibik could barely contain a gasp, and clapped his hands together, relief filling his face. “You mean, he’s going to be alright? He’ll pull through?”

The Healer scoffed. “It’s miraculous! Really it is!” He shifted his weight and looked over his shoulder. “Almost overnight, the King’s condition has improved drastically. I’ve never quite seen anything like it.” He nodded, smiling again. “... I do think the worst is now behind us.”

My head felt completely detached from my body, and I thought if I hadn’t been holding the bedpost I might have floated away. Hibik was dancing from foot to foot, making lengthy exclamations in goblinese. I didn’t need to know all the words to understand his excitement. To feel it palpably around us, though I dared not embrace it myself. The doctor patted the air.

“We still have some ways to go yet, My Prince, Lord Hibik.” He reminded us. “It’ll take time for the King to regain his strength. It may be a month or more before he fully returns to his old vigor.”

“But he will?” I asked, and was surprised at the softness of my voice.

The Healer gave a final nod. “I have little doubt anymore, My Prince. I shall prepare a draught for him. However, given his state... I would expect him to wake anytime now.”

Hibik squealed with delight, and I raised my hand to calm him. The goblin quickly clamped his hands over his mouth, and the Healer tutted him. I glanced at Grier, then back at the pair of goblins.

“Lord Hibik, would you let my sister know the good news, please?” I instructed, then nodded to the vase of wilting flowers on the small round table at the back of the couch. “Perhaps she would like to get a fresh bouquet for him. She can come visit when she’s able.”

“I am not certain our gardens can survive another visit from the Princess,” He mused with a chuckle, still shifting from foot to foot, “However, I am more than pleased to let her decimate the remaining for the sake of our King.”

“Have some hot broth ready for him, the kitchens can send it straight up,” I added, glancing at the Healer for confirmation of this choice, “And let the Dowager Queen know as well. Morgana may want to tell her herself however, so I would suggest she be the first you inform.”

“Excellent, My Prince,” Hibik bowed, “I am most eager to spread this joyous news.”

The Healer bowed deeply as well, then they both made their way out. I closed the door behind them, my entire body tingling. Now that they were gone, I pinched myself hard to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. My feet carried me back to the bedroom of their own accord. And I climbed into the bed and slipped up alongside him. Almost as soon as I settled, Grier rolled into me, tucking himself into my chest once more. I felt his contented sigh against my breastbone, and nearly shivered from the sensation. I wrapped my arms gently around him, resting my chin on the top of his head once more.

“... I think Josep knew before I did.” I told him softly, running my hands up and down his back. “He was always lingering late into the night. Always refilling my wine as soon as it emptied… I’m not sure h-how he knew… I noticed the long glances, and couldn’t help a few of my own…” I sighed, burying my nose in his hair for a moment. “He was… cute… Just a little shorter than me, but thin as a bean pole… his hair was raven black, and his eyes were a soft stormy grey… But bright as the moon at midnight...”

….

A few hours later, I adjusted the flowers, plucking a few errant leaves and placing them in the waste bin. Morgana was an... ambitious picker. Sometimes the roots and half the rest of the plant came along with the bloom. But she always picked the best and most colorful flowers, and the bouquet she had brought was perhaps her largest and loveliest yet. Not for the least because of her enthusiasm presenting them. The room felt anxiously still in her absence and I brushed my fingers over the petals, drawing in a deep breath of their soft scent. Trying unsuccessfully to calm my racing heart now that I was alone again... Nearly alone.

“... Been making yourself at home, have you?”

I jumped about a foot in the air at the sound of the thin voice from over my shoulder. My heart leapt into my throat as I spun on my heel, and my eyes shot wide. A wry, tired smile greeted me, set below glittering scarlet eyes that shifted around the room only briefly before settling on me. I tried to remember the last time I had seen them... I didn’t realize how much I had missed them until that moment.

Grier.

I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. I stared at him, my eyes, frozen in place. Not entirely convinced I wasn’t dreaming. Hardly able to believe what I was seeing as the goblin slowly eased himself up to sit with his back against the headboard. He cocked his head to the side, raising one slender brow at me.

“I come back from the dead, and this is the greeting I receive?” He pouted. “Honestly, I think I was hoping for a bit more-”

I was at the bed before he had even finished forming the words. I caught the back of his head in my hand, nearly falling over him as I kneeled on the side of the mattress in my desperation to reach him. Crashing our mouths together so suddenly it was almost painful. His words sputtered against my lips, but then I could taste his smile again and my heart ached. Gods, I had missed that too. The warmth of his kiss, the shape of his mouth. I didn’t want to leave it again. His own hand came up, cupping my jaw, returning my kiss with such enthusiasm I thought my lungs might just collapse. Which only served to remind me that I had forgotten how to breathe.

I pulled back, gasping for air for half a second. Then dove back in to kiss him again. Now I could feel his weak laughter bubbling against my lips. Gently he pulled himself away, stroking his hand along my cheek to still my pursuit, running his thumb under my eye.

“Now that’s more like it.” He murmured dreamily, his eyes looking carefully back and forth between mine.

I flushed deeply, feeling the heat sweep across my face with a fury to match how his own feverish skin had once been. I started to pull away bashfully. “I-I’m sorry-”

He pushed the words back into my mouth with another kiss, forcing them deep into my throat in denial of them. My heart thrummed with delight. I lost myself for a moment more, and our kiss deepened. But he felt weaker than I remembered, his press intense but not as strong. I reminded myself of the state of him, and did not fight to keep our mouths locked when he finally pulled back again. Even though I longed to do so...

“H-how are you feeling?” I asked breathlessly instead, lingering with the tips of our noses brushing together. I gripped the back of his neck firmly, as if afraid letting go would allow him to float off again, slowly easing to sit on the mattress beside him.

“Tired.” He admitted. “And by the Gods I can’t remember ever having been this hungry before in my life…” His smile returned, pointy teeth and all. “But better… much better.” His thumb traced the edge of my lashes. “... Now that I’ve seen you again.”

I couldn’t help laughing in relief, but it broke as it fell away from my lips, and I saw his brow furrow with concern. I shook my head and his hand at my cheek weakly moved to still me. He reached out with his free one, and I didn’t hesitate to meet it with mine between us. Intertwining our fingers together.

“I-I… I thought that… I thought…” I choked on the words, my lips trembling.

Grier kissed them gently. Stilling them with his own. He peeled back slowly, only to lean back in half a breath later to lightly kiss them again. I spun like a top, my heart racing so fast in my breast I wasn’t entirely sure it was beating at all.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily, my young Prince” He assured me sweetly, and I stumbled over another laugh.

“I… I-I… I’ve been thinking… I’ve been thinking a lot…” I breathed, my voice still shaky.

“Uh-oh,” He mused, “That sounds ominous. Should I prepare myself?”

I sighed exasperatedly. “Would you sh-shut up for half a second?” I belittled the words with a light hearted tone, and punctuated it with a kiss of my own.

In truth, I was so happy to hear his voice again, I could have collapsed from relief. I wanted to hear it more. I wanted to listen to his voice for days, and to stare into those scarlet eyes, and feel the shape of his mouth against mine. But… He smiled against me, and tried to kiss me again as I pulled away. I shook my head. I had something to say, and I needed to say it, before I lost my nerve.

“I-I’ve been thinking… a-and... I’ve decided… I d-decided that… I-I…”

“I hope this isn’t a farewell speech.” He teased as I fumbled for the words again. I shot him a look, and he quickly clamped his mouth shut. But damn that his smirk wasn’t still there on those blasted lips of his.

I took a deep, steadying breath. Staring down at our laps to avoid the temptation of his mouth. The silence rang heavy for a second, and I felt him squeeze my hand encouragingly. I could’ve collapsed with the emotion that sent spinning through me. He had barely been up for five minutes and already he was seeking to give me whatever support he could... Reminding me exactly why I had so much to say… So I sucked in a full lungful of as much air as I could possibly manage.

“... I don’t want to move into your rooms. And I don’t want you to move into mine. I want to have new rooms. To be our rooms. Up in the tower, with a balcony. But the bedroom doesn’t need a window, that way it stays dark. So you can still sleep in. And I want a bed that’s so big I might sometimes lose you in it. A-and I want a room off to one side that we can use as a nursery… Painted yellow… and I want to adopt… but I also want a few kids of yours… I-I don’t think I could do mine, because I really don’t want to sleep with anyone else and if there’s a way that maybe you didn’t have to lay with anyone either I-I think that would be better. But there is absolutely NO way I’m doing th-the ‘magical route’ and… and I’m still not even sure you weren’t just messing with me. I want to bring one of the portraits of my mother, and put her in the sitting room. Over the fireplace. B-but that means no kissing there, because I don’t want her staring at us. Then I want thrones, for the throne room. Proper thrones, not just poofy chairs. Because I’m not sitting on the floor, and if we have audiences with anyone (which we should), we’ll need a proper throne room. And I want to go to the ocean, every few years at least. I want to sit on the beach with you and watch the sunset, preferably on our anniversary. And I want a dog. Not a small dog, a big dog. Like a hunting dog. I-I don’t know if you like dogs, but I’d like one. And if I get a dog, Morgana is going to want a dog too, so we’ll just have to have two big dogs and… and…”

I glanced up at this point amid my rush of words that spilled out unchecked. And dropped off at the sight of Grier’s face. I wasn’t sure I had ever seen his eyes so wide. I thought they might fall out of his head. I shifted nervously, glancing down at our hands then back up at him. Not sure what it was I saw on his features and suddenly feeling shy.

“O-or… or you know… we could talk about it more… i-if you wanted-”

Once again he cut off my words with a kiss. I started at first, then instantly melted against him. He weakly pulled me closer, and I obliged his whim, until he could wrap his arm around my neck. He fell sideways to the mattress and onto his back, pulling me with him, releasing my hand to grope up my side. Slipping beneath my loose tunic to skim over my bare skin. My heart leaped and thudded and I fed him a tiny gasp.

“W-wait, you’re still-” I tried to pull away, but the goblin stubbornly kept himself latched around me. I dared not pull too hard, as I didn’t want to hurt him. “Y-you’re still healing.” I managed to mumble out against his lips.

“I don’t care.” He growled, but dropped back, peering up at me draped over him. “I just… I don’t care… I’m so… I’m just so…” He pulled me down, kissing me again. It was softer this time, as tender as any first kiss. But so full to bursting of emotion that I felt like I could taste it in my heart. After a few hot breaths, he finally pulled back again. “... Exactly how long have I been out??” He teased.

A pained look swept across my face, and his hand quickly came around to cup my jaw again soothingly. “I-I thought… I thought you were going to die…” I whispered, my voice as weak as his touch, “I thought I was going to lose you… a-and then I realized… I realized I had been so s-scared of having something to lose… that I didn’t even realize I was already losing it… I didn’t…” I took a deep steadying breath. “I-I told myself that if you woke up… if you got better… I wouldn’t... I-I … I don’t want to spend the rest of my life w-wondering… wondering what I could have had… but was too afraid to want…”

“... And what do you want?” He asked quietly as my voice petered out, his scarlet eyes growing warm.

“... I want you, Grier…” I breathed, the air fluttering in my chest, and his grip tightened at the sound of his name falling from my lips, “I want you. I want all of you…”

When our mouths met again, it was not with heat. It was… soft… Like petals brushing together. As delicate as a champagne flute, and filled with that same bubbly sweetness… I sunk into his mouth, as deep as I could go. I never wanted to come up for air. I fell beneath the waves of his emotion and I was content to let myself drown that I could fill my lungs with it. The warmth I had been missing filled my chest; that warmth that only he could bring to me. And it spread out to the very tips of my fingers and toes.

I’m not sure how long we remained interlaced together, our mouths moving in unison. But finally, we pulled apart. Neither one initiating our separation, both simply feeling it was the right moment to. I felt his breath on my face and realized I had closed my eyes. I let them slowly flutter open, and when I looked down at those dazzlingly scarlet eyes… I smiled.

His hand came up, his thumb tracing across my lips. Marveling at the shape of them. Which only made my smile grow, though I flushed shyly at his attention and darted my eyes to the side. I couldn’t remember the last time I had smiled… A soft wonder filled those ruby reds of his, and I suddenly and desperately longed to kiss him again. To taste every inch of him that my mouth could reach. Instead I slowly started to sit up. Gently pulling him with me.

“Y-you need to eat.” I told him softly. “To build up your strength…” I caught his hand as he slowly let it slide down my cheek, and I pressed it against my chest above my heart. “You need to get better. All the way better.”

He nodded. “I will.”

“Good.” I said in a warning tone. “B-because I swear to the Gods and all that is holy, if you ever put me through that again, I will kill you.”

His boisterous laughter was drowned out by an eager knock at the door, quickly followed by said door opening. Hibik bustled in, near vibrating with delight. Tears in his eyes. I quickly adjusted myself to put a little space between us, my blush darkening.

“My King!” He cried, coming over, then bowing repeatedly. “Oh! Blesha’la ontow’a, you are awake!

“Ah, Hibik!” He grinned, reaching out to clasp the smaller goblin’s extended hand. “Am I glad to see you.”

“Likewise, my King.” He bowed repeatedly, shaking Grier’s hand vigorously. “Please, please tell me if I can be of any assistance! I have missed serving you with all my heart.”

“Well, my old friend,” He mused, “It seems I need to get back to full strength.” He brought his now freed hand up to stroke my cheek again, and I felt a fresh flush rising to my face at his touch. “After all, I have a Prince to marry!”

My eyes widened slightly at that. “... A-ah… O-oh…. Ummm…”

Hibik also fell silent, suddenly looking down at his feet and shuffling them. Grier looked back and forth between the two of us. His brow furrowed and his lips pursed.

“... Am I missing something here?”

“Well, my King, the thing… Per your wishes… ah.. The thing... the thing is… ah…” Hibik stammered, then glanced at me desperately.

I cleared my throat, hiding the twitching smile at the corners of my lips. “The thing is…technically…. technically… we’re already married.”

Grier stared at me for a long, long moment.

“... I beg your pardon?”

….

It took three days and many loud arguments to convince the goblin that he could not, in fact, nullify the marriage license just to ‘do it the right way’. And no, it didn’t matter that he was the King. It would in turn put our Treaty at risk, and would cause far too many ramifications, many that were possibly not even conceivable at that moment. It took a week for him to stop grumbling about it at every opportunity.

I stayed with him throughout that time. Making sure he ate. Watching him sleep. The first night I woke him up twice, just to be certain he could be roused. He was not a fan of that, but as I seemed insistent, he would merely blink at me a few times, give an exasperated sigh, then snuggle deeper into my arms. It delighted him endlessly that I had completely given up any semblance of pretending we should sleep separately. So he indulged my anxious checking and fussing to the best of his ability. As long as it meant I was never more than an arms length away.

Now I tried not to stare too much, tried to limit it to the occasional glance over at him. My nerves were shot, but despite the anxiousness swelling around me… Every time our eyes met, he smiled. And I felt my heart skip.

Morgana bounced eagerly, alternating between walking at our side and darting ahead. She circled around us, as we were moving far too slowly for her liking, checking and assessing each bobble and bit in the hall on the way to the gardens.

Grier stumbled weakly, and I jerked forward to catch him. He looked up at me, flashing his pearly whites. “I’m alright.” He assured me.

“Perhaps we should wait until you are a little stronger-”

He waved his free hand, using my offered arm to carefully straighten himself. “As you refuse to leave my side for more than a minute, and Morgana informed me you haven’t been outside since I fell ill,” he began, his voice breathy, “You leave me no choice but to forcibly escort you to the gardens, my young Prince.”

“I-I think you are… exaggerating a little to say that I r-refuse-” I stammered, rubbing the back of my neck with my free hand.

The King chuckled. “Mmm. Alright then, have it your way.” He interrupted, casting me a sidelong glance. “As your proper etiquette and honor will not allow you to leave your King’s side when he is under duress, it is my responsibility to be certain that you see some sunlight now and again.” His smile grew as Morgana darted back over to us. “Besides, I am bored of my rooms. The fresh air will do me some good, I am sure.”

Morgana returned his grin, bouncing in place. “Just wait until you see the surprise we have planned for you!” She told us. “It’ll make you both feel all better.”

I sighed, relenting and pushing her hair back out of her face for perhaps the hundredth time since we had started our trek. “Chickadee, where do you keep all your energy?” She giggled. “I’m tired just watching you.”

She pushed my hand away and started to dart back up the hallway. “Well, maybe if you ever slept anymore, you wouldn’t be so tired, Niko!” She exclaimed.

I cleared my throat and avoided Grier’s scolding eye. I also pretended not to notice he kept his arm wrapped around mine as we continued down the hall. It was better, I told myself. I could offer him more support that way. He still wasn’t back to his full strength yet, and this walk would likely push him to the extremes of what he had. But we were almost there.

Morgana’s head disappeared around the corner, and I felt my brow scrunch slightly as I watched her. The goblin’s fingers squeezed my arm gently, and I glanced down at him.

“Everything alright?” He asked, his voice tender.

I sighed quietly. “... I-I’m not sure she…” I swallowed, looking down at our feet. “M-maybe I didn’t explain King Tibertius’ passing to her as well as I should have…” My brow furrowed a little more. “Perhaps I was… too cold… I don’t think she understands-”

“You were very gentle.” He assured me, giving my arm another gentle squeeze and falling silent for a moment as we rounded the same corner we had seen Morgana disappear past. But when he spotted her further up the hall, dancing from foot to foot until she saw us again then darting off once more, he continued softly. “She’s young. And I don’t think she was very close to your father. She may not have fully processed it yet, being here.”

“How…” I stopped, but he gave me an encouraging nod. “H-how were you told? About your father, I mean?”

Grier thought about that for a moment, and we walked arm in arm quietly down the hall.

“It was… sudden.” He replied after a time. “He was badly injured in a skirmish…. I’m sure future historians will cite that as the instigating incidence of the hostility between our people…” I winced, but he patted my arm reassuringly. “That morning he was fine, and we… I am sure we broke fast together, because we usually did, but I don’t remember that day specifically… Then by that evening, he had passed.”

I winced. “I shouldn’t have brought it up, I apologize-”

“It’s ok.” He shook his head. “I don’t remember much at all from then. I don’t think I even knew he had been injured until both him and my mother missed dinner with me that evening. And I wasn’t brought to see him… not until after he had passed and they had… cleaned him up.” He tilted his head to the side, thinking for a long moment. “I remember being… sad, but more confused. I kept… forgetting, I guess. I would expect to see him places, and I think I asked about it once or twice before it really sank in that he was just… gone. And this is despite the fact that I saw his body.”

His steps had slowed, and I matched them carefully. After a moment, we had both come to a full stop, and he turned towards me, sliding his hands down to catch mine. I hesitated, trying to figure out what he needed in that moment. An apology? A story of my own? Perhaps he wanted space, or silence… or did he want some sort of embrace? I faltered, staring down at our hands and carefully running my thumbs over his. And feeling wholly inadequate not knowing how to comfort him. If that was even what he needed…

“... Morgana will be alright,” He told me after a few moments of silence, “She has you. And she is safe here.” Grier gave my hands a gentle squeeze, and I nodded timidly. The goblin shook himself, and I could hear his smile lacing his next words. “But come! Let’s not spoil our first outing in weeks.” I met his eyes, and felt a little more confident at the warmth in them. “We can talk more later, if you want to.”

I followed his lead as he turned to finish the last stretch before the main doors to the gardens. I didn’t even bother with an excuse, keeping his hand locked in my own and tucking it in my elbow. He moved a little closer, hooking his arm in mine until our thighs almost brushed as we walked.

Morgana had managed to push the massive door open on her own, and was waiting excitedly on the stairs before the gardens. She smiled at us as we approached then waved for us to follow her before taking off down the steps and onto the gravel. It crunched delightfully under her little feet, and I took a deep breath of the crisp mountain air as we made our way down the stairs as well, then out onto the path. The sun was bright and warm despite the chill, and I almost sighed as it splashed across my face. A few yards down, we rounded one of the hedges to find a thick blanket spread over the grass. There was a basket set there, and a few books, as well as some flowers tied in bundles that had Morgana’s signature roots and stems still attached. Safa and Seoc waited there, and they bowed to us as we approached. I felt a slight flush rise to my face, but tried not to let my step falter as I guided the King over.

My sister was already digging into the basket, pulling out dishes and bundles of food to pass to the other goblins, who helped her set the blanket. I couldn’t resist watching Safa with a rather critical eye, considering the way she interacted with my sister. I hadn’t had a chance to properly vet her before everything had happened, and found myself a little untrusting of her. After all, what did I know of this goblin? And she had been spending a lot of time with Morgana while I was tending the King. What if she was not the right influence for an impressionable young princess?

“Try not to scare the poor girl.” Came Grier’s quiet voice in my ear as I helped to carefully lower him to sit amid the pillows set on one side of the large blanket.

I looked at him in surprise, and his grin nearly split his face. I carefully fixed my expression, though I couldn’t completely hide the tightness in my voice as I replied. “I do not know what you mean, Your Majesty.”

Grier scoffed, tugging on my vest until I hesitantly settled onto the ground beside him. “Don’t start with that again.” He warned. Then he jerked his chin at the others a few feet away. “Your sister’s new Lady in Waiting. I saw that look.”

“What look?” I grumbled, my voice equally as soft as I watched Safa whisper something to Morgana. My sister laughed, glancing over at us. I felt my cheeks flush slightly.

The King’s chuckle answered me. “I had all of the ladies screened before I let them meet your sister.” He told me, shifting to sit a little closer to me. I stiffened at his proximity, feeling my face flush again. “Safa is from a good family, and she has a kind heart. Give her a chance, yes?”

I resisted the urge to scowl, considering the pair as they whispered and giggled to each other. Though I had to admit, Morgana did seem very pleased with her new Lady. Perhaps Safa felt my gaze on her, because her eyes darted up to me. I saw her shuffle nervously, offering me a slight bow. She glanced over at Morgana, then at Seoc, as if uncertain what to do with herself beneath my scrutiny.

Grier smacked my shoulder lightly. I started, turning my attention to him. “Leave the girl be.” He scolded good-naturedly. Then his smile tweaked at the corners. “Though I have to say, I like seeing this protectiveness of yours. Especially being on this side of it… Perhaps the father bear in you will be a boon to us in the near future.”

I didn’t get a chance to comment on that, as I had to suddenly struggle to keep myself upright as Morgana launched herself into me. My face instantly softened, and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“This is lovely, Chickadee,” I told her, “Thank you for it.”

“It was Safa’s idea!” She replied, turning to settle properly on my lap and pulling a dish of finger foods over to us. “She said you and Grier deserved some quiet time together now that he was feeling better, and said since you have both been cooped up inside the fresh air would be good for you.”

I pretended not to notice Grier’s smug smirk, taking the offered nibble from her. “W-well… that was very thoughtful of her.”

“I did the flowers though!” She explained through a mouthful of food, sliding the tray over to Grier. “And I helped her cook!”

“Then we owe both of you our gratitude, little bird.” He mused, taking a piece of food and tossing it in the air to catch it in his mouth. She giggled, then promptly tried to do the same with far less success.

She babbled on about this and that for a while as we ate, then bounded out of my lap to sprint across the green. Safa turned from her conversation with Seoc a few yards away, and both beamed at the Princess who tugged lightly on the goblin’s colorful skirts. I watched quietly, taking a slow sip of the hot coffee my sister had sloppily poured us. I heard Grier’s relaxed sigh, turning my attention back to him.

“... How are you feeling?” I asked him nervously.

He groaned lightly, scooching a little closer and leaning his shoulder against my arm. “If one more person asks me that, I’m going to scream.”

I raised one brow, trying to pretend my heart wasn’t racing at his touch. “I suppose that would mean your lungs feel better then, yes?”

He laughed, settling himself somehow even closer to me. I swallowed nervously, glancing at him out the corner of my eye. “I’m tired.” He admitted, sluggishly pulling a tray of sugar powdered pastries closer. “But it’s nice to get out of that bed.”

“Perhaps we should head back.” I fretted, moving as if to call my sister over.

The goblin shook his head, popping one of the pastries in his mouth and resting his head on my shoulder. “Not yet.” He breathed. “I’m enjoying myself.”

I tried not to shift noticeably, but couldn’t help a tiny shuffle. I even cleared my throat, glancing back at my sister and the other goblins. But they were too far away to be properly bothersome to my discomfort.

“What about you?” I looked over at him at his voice, his scarlet eyes rolling up to meet mine. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m not the one who was…” I stopped, dropping off. Feeling my throat close up at the reminder.

I jumped as his hand slid over my thigh, and my heart somehow raced even faster. I wasn’t sure what to do with my eyes. I was pretty sure I had stolen too many peeks at him for me to reasonably be allowed another. So I stared at the ground a few feet away, angled slightly so I could still see him out the corner of one.

“Nikostratus, you need to take care of yourself too.” He told me softly, and his hand ran soothingly back and forth on my leg. “... You can’t just… throw yourself aside for the sake of everyone else…”

I slowly put my cup down in its saucer, and dropping my gaze to stare at my palms. “... I’m fine.”

He gave a soft ‘hmmm’ at that, but didn’t push it further as Morgana darted back over and plopped back into my lap. I stiffened slightly, feeling my face burn hot realizing that Grier was still leaning heavily against my shoulder. But if she noticed, she didn’t seem to mind.

“Niko! Can you do my hair?” She asked. “I want to show Safa what it looks like when you braid it. I brought the oils and comb!”

I hesitated, glancing over at the young noble lady as she sheepishly shifted closer. She stood at the edge of the blanket, her head politely bowed. A few beads of nervous sweat burst out at the collar of my shirt. But… no one seemed to bat an eye at the King currently lazing on my arm. I supposed we were technically married now, after all. That must be why...

I tried to calm my nerves, nodding briskly. “A-alright… but why don’t you read to us while I do?”

Safa brought over a small basket and a book, offering both to me with a shy smile. I considered her for a moment before taking it with a polite thanks. Morgana snatched the book from my hands and flipped to what she described as her ‘favorite goblin story yet’. Seoc and Safa began cleaning up our meal as Morgana started, and I carefully kneaded the oils through her hair. Grier adjusted himself to free my arms, slowly laying down beside me with his head on my bent legs. I looked around nervously… but again, no one seemed to even notice his switch except for me. And I had to admit, having him so close let me relax a little. I didn’t have to check on him as much when I could feel his chest expand with each breath against the crook of my knees.

I forced myself to focus on my sister’s hair, and carefully outlined the tracks with the tip of the comb before I began to form the tight braids along her scalp. I had always loved how fluffy and soft my sister’s hair was; it reminded me of my mother’s. Though hers had been a deep raven black while Morgana’s was more like a dark auburn. It was just as thick, however, and I worked gently to loosen the individual curly strands from each other properly before I smoothed them into shape with the oil. The oil would also help to keep the moisture in the wiry strands, and would help protect her scalp as I tugged the braids firmly into place. I started from the center, working my way to nearly the back of her skull before smoothing out the natural poof at the end of the strands and moving back to her hairline to start again.

I was distinctly aware of Grier’s eyes watching my fingers nimbly braid her hair. Then Safa’s once she had finished clearing the picnic. She kneeled down a few feet away and watched with unconcealed curiosity. I felt a little stiff with the audience. But the King’s eyes drooped lazily as Morgana read on, and Safa proffered a tentative question here and there as I worked, spoken with such reverence I found myself slowly relaxing. I answered her as best I could, my voice low so as to not interrupt my sister’s avid reading. She still scolded us for interrupting, and I hid a smirk in the corners of my mouth. Seoc stood a few feet away, also listening quietly with his head cocked to the side but politely turned.

As the sunlight slowly drifted further away from our cozy little spot, I saw Morgana stifle her third yawn. A glance at Grier told me he was also drifting in and out of the waking world. I finished the last plait along the top of Morgana’s head and brushed the back out into a gentle cloud of natural curls. I worked some of the extra oil in with my palms and watched the curls tighten slightly with the added moisture.

“I believe the end times might be coming,” I mused, as she yawned again, and she and Grier both spun to look up at me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of you so tired. Especially both at once.”

“The Princess was up early with me this morning, My Prince,” Safa offered politely, her voice soft, “She was very eager to help prepare this meal for you and the King.”

“Perhaps then it’s an early night for us all.” I suggested, smoothing back her hair one last time. Grier stretched lightly and yawned, starting to ease himself up.

Morgana ran her own hands over the top of her head, feeling the braids and giving me a sleepy smile. “Thank you, Niko.”

I pinched her cheek. “Thank you, chickadee… And Lady Safa. For setting this up for us.”

“It was my pleasure, My Prince,” Safa bowed her head, then glanced at Morgana, “... Should I bring you back to your rooms Princess? Perhaps we can work on your goblinese for a while before bed.”

“Yeah, I like that idea.” Morgana nodded, turning and wrapping her arms around me. “Goodnight, Niko.” She peeked shyly at Grier from my neck as I returned her hug. “Goodnight, Grier.”

“Goodnight, little bird.” He replied with a smile. “And thank you, again. I look forward to returning the favor someday soon.”

We saw them off as I helped Grier to his feet. Seoc bowed deeply, offering his aid as well, but the King waved him away. Dismissing him for the rest of the evening for a deserved break. We walked with him to the entrance of the castle, then bid him a farewell as he scurried off with the blanket and baskets tucked under his arms.

We walked quietly down the hall, back towards Grier’s rooms. He managed on his own for a while, but by the time we had reached the bottom of the stairs, he started to lean against me heavily again.

“We shouldn’t have stayed out for so long.” I fussed as we rounded the final corner before his hallway. “You can barely stand.”

Grier scoffed away my concern. “It’s good for me. Besides, I enjoyed spending time with you and your sister.” His head cocked sluggishly to the side. “I think she’s a little jealous of me now.” A grin split his thin lips. “I seem to be hogging all your attention.”

I sputtered lightly, a flush coming to my cheeks as I tried unsuccessfully to provide a better conclusion for him. The goblin merely laughed at that, looping his arms around mine and resting his cheek against it. My heart skipped again, and I blinked a few times to try and clear the swirl in my head. I checked about, but we seemed to be alone in the last stretch to his rooms.

His chambers were blessedly dark and still, and I felt heavier as soon as the second door clunked closed behind us. Grier heaved a sigh, plopping down on the bed and kicking off his boots. I moved from where I had removed my vest as he pulled off his top too, going to pick his shoes to place with the rest. His hand caught the edge of my collar as I bent down, giving me a gentle yank.

“Leave them,” He silenced me as I began to protest, hooking his arm about my waist and persuading me over to him, “Your sister isn’t the only one who was working so selflessly all day.” A hot blush rushed my face as he tugged my tunic loose from my trousers and started undoing the ties. “You need to get some rest.”

“That’s my line.” I mumbled dryly, and he chuckled.

“I can’t even fathom the last time you got a good night’s sleep, Nikostratus,” He told me, slowly coming up to his knees, then his feet, standing on the mattress so he could roll my tunic up, “The day outside was a good start, but now we need to get you to bed.”

I nervously finished what he had started, pulling my shirt off. I started to fold it, but the King snatched it from my hands and tossed it to the side. I opened my mouth to stammer a protest again, and found his mouth there to silence it. He wrapped his arms slowly around my shoulders, his bare torso draped against mine. The goblin was taller than me, standing on the mattress as he was, and I had to drop my head back to comfortably return the kiss. I fed him a huffy breath as he coaxed my mouth open with his tongue, slipping past my defenses. Heat was already beginning to build in me at his touch, and I dared snake my own hands over his thighs. Then I hooked them up, catching his weight in my palms to pull his legs around me. I could taste his grin, and slid an arm under him as I carefully climbed onto the bed. Carrying him along with me.

We dropped together to the mattress, and I crouched over him timidly as our kiss broke momentarily. Grier brought his hand around, tracing the back of his knuckles along my jaw. My eyes darted back down to his lips, and before I could meet his gaze again he gently stretched up to sink into my own lips. I kissed him again, pressing his head down into the pillows, slowly lowering my body to be tucked alongside his. Dangling my torso over him with my weight on my elbows. He freed his other hand from around my neck to skim his fingers lightly up my side. I shivered at his touch, and he nipped my bottom lip lightly in response.

I drew back obediently, meeting his eyes shyly. His hand at my jaw turned, bringing his thumb to trace along my lips.

“... Have I mentioned how happy you make me?” He purred softly, a warm smile filling his face.

I blushed again, my eyes darting away. But he held me still with his hand, coming up to kiss me lightly once more. Just a quick peck before he dropped back into the pillows.

“How about how handsome you are?” He continued. “Or how lucky I am that I get to have you as my husband?” A small scowl came to his lips. “Are you certain we cannot simply null the license and do it properly this time?”

I stifled a laugh, my face blazing hot as I shyly rolled away. Dropping to the bed beside him. He quickly shifted and scuttled back into my arms, tucking his body against mine once more and bringing his hands to my face. His scarlet eyes bounced back and forth between mine.

“... You never told me how you feel about everything…”

I swallowed nervously. “E-everything?” I questioned in a soft stutter, timidly running my hand over the edge of his waist and letting my gaze fall to the side.

He nodded. “You’re my husband now…. And I’m yours…” His thumb skimmed along my cheek bone. “... Is that ok?”

I shivered again, then smoothed my hand into the small of his back. Nodding shyly. “Y-yeah. I’m… adjusting. B-but…” My tongue was a little too large for my mouth, and I tried to shift it uncomfortably. “I-I… I’m… I’m happy…” I felt my cheeks burn, and blinked fervently as if to fan them. “... I think…” I finished lamely.

Grier chuckled, leaning in to rest his forehead against mine. “You seem… better. About talking,” He rubbed his thumb against my cheek again, “And touching.”

“I’m… I’m trying…” I swallowed again. “B-because… I… I m-missed this… I missed… you… ” I closed my eyes to hide from his. “I was… I was afraid I wouldn’t…”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He assured me, leaning in until his breath splashed against my face. “Not without you.”

My lips twisted slightly at the corners. “So next time you’ll just be sure to take me with you when you visit death’s doorstep?” I asked dryly.

Another chuckle. “Mmm. No, not quite.” I felt him shift, then felt his lips against my cheek. “Not unless we are both very old and grey. And even then, I would rather not take you with me.”

“I would rather go first.” I mumbled, and felt his fingers tighten. I opened my eyes reflexively to see the worry in his. “... J-just one day… One hour maybe… So… So I don’t ever have to… t-to…” I blushed. “... to live without you.”

He brought our lips together for a feather light kiss, and I pressed my hand into the warm flesh of his lower back. Bringing my other hand up to bury in the wild hair at the base of his skull.

When he leaned back, we lay silently for a bit, staring at each other. Grier was the one to break the silence, a slight furrow forming between the ridges of his pronounced brow.

“Perhaps it was my imagination… But,” He tilted his head to the side, “I swear I… I was dreaming about you. But they felt real. Like memories?”

“I was… talking to you. While you slept…” I glanced away. “I thought maybe… maybe you would hear my voice and want to come back…”

“What did you tell me?” He asked curiously.

I blushed again. “A-ah… I… I told you about Morgana, when she was little…. A-and about Josep… and about my mother…” His hand gently guided me back to him, until I met his eyes once more.

“... Can you tell me again?” A small, sly smirk played across his lips. “I’ll be a better listener this time, I swear.”

I gave another timid nod. “O-ok…”

He smoothed his palm along my face. “But not tonight. You need to sleep.”

I frowned. “I’m fine-”

“You’re not fine.” He cut me off. “You spent the last two weeks watching me teeter on the edge of death. All the while ruling the Kingdom, and caring for Morgana, and anything else you could shoulder.” He ran his hand to the back of my head, gently squeezing my skull in his palm. “You married a dying man, your old guard tried to kill you, your father died... And those are just the things I know about...” I winced, and he brought his forehead back to mine. “Now it’s time to relax. Let someone else take the burden for a time while you rest.”

I started to shake my head. “Y-you’re still healing-”

“So are you.” He argued, squeezing me again as I winced once more. His fingers slowly loosened, then he traced them back and forth along the back of my head. “... Let me take care of you now, hm? I’m strong enough for that.”

I didn’t say anything, but met his eyes bashfully again. A sound warmth reached those dazzling scarlet reds of his. I sighed deeply, and he smirked with an almost irritating smugness in recognition of my defeat. Shifting to roll closer to me and wrap his arms about my shoulders. Tucking my head against his neck and resting his chin on the top of my head. One hand began to draw slow lines up and down between my shoulder blades, the other cupping the back of my head. I drew in a slow, deep breath, pulling the scent of him into my lungs. Feeling myself slowly relax as I lay there with him, my eyes getting heavier by the minute. I wove my own arms around him, encompassing him with my own body even as he buried my head in his.

It didn’t take much longer for me to fall into a deep, deep sleep. Securely and safely wrapped up in Grier’s arms...

....

“What could possibly have been going through his mind?” I scowled slightly, resisting the urge to let my nose scrunch up as well. “What possible thought could he have had to think that was even remotely acceptable to say?”

Grier smirked. “Well, I’m certain he had his reasons dear.”

“Impossible! It’s absolutely illogical, and hare brained at best.” I argued, then glanced at him sidelong. “... Don’t call me ‘dear’.”

The goblin grinned up at me. “How about ‘sweetheart’?” My small scowl twitched at the corners and he laughed. The sound echoed around us, bouncing off the stone walls. “I am just attempting to find the perfect pet name for you, love.”

I shook my head. “You’re ‘just attempting’ to change the subject. Are you afraid I’ll have that nobleman hoisted by the ankles for his blasphemy?” I returned. “.... D-don’t call me ‘love’.”

He drew in an excited breath. “Ah, excellent. You’re starting to get flustered.” He bared his pointy teeth at me. “That’s a good sign.”

I scoffed at him, feeling a slight flush pinch at the balls of my cheeks. “I-I am not!”

The King sidled up to me, snaking his arms around mine to match my long stride with a skipping step. “Everything is going perfectly to plan then.”

I chanced a quick peek around to be sure that we were alone in the halls. It had been nearly a month since the goblin King had first woken from his fever induced slumber, and every day a little more of his strength found its way back to him. And every day, he grew a little more bold. A little more affectionate.

I still didn’t care for over the top displays around others, even the attendants and guards posted strategically through the castles. Most especially around my sister. But found I didn’t mind so much the little ones… a pinky finger hooked around mine. A gentle hand on my shoulder in passing. A thigh tucked against my own when we were sitting. Not that anyone else seemed to mind. I just couldn’t seem to completely shake the uneasiness I felt at the idea of other eyes seeing his affections for me.

But Grier was nothing if not adaptable. He relished tugging me into a dark corner to steal a kiss when no one was around. Or palming my ass when we left a room. Once or twice he had even gotten a few buttons on my shirt undone in a stairwell before my shyness and good sense had gotten the better of me. He seemed to enjoy my flushed face, and I couldn’t help the way my heart skipped at his little smug smiles of accomplishment after each daring theft. And when we were alone? … Suffice it to say I was pretty sure I had taken more cold baths in the last month than the rest of my life combined. I also was pretty well versed in the goblinese alphabet in any order I may wish to recite it. Grier relished hearing me attempt to distract myself from his attentions; I was pretty sure he considered it a personal challenge to get me hot and bothered when I was trying very hard not to. And as his strength returned, it was getting harder and harder to remind him he was still healing and to take it slow.

This evening though, as we walked arm in arm, I felt a frown settle on my lips as I checked to be certain we were alone. I glanced around, a furrow digging into my brow.

“... W-where are we going?” I checked over my shoulder, my frown deepening. “I-I don’t… I don’t think this is the way to your rooms…”

The goblin chuckled, a grin splitting his face from ear to ear. “You’re really quite hopeless aren’t you, my young Prince?” He mused. “We haven’t even been in the right wing for some time now. Didn’t you notice we went up a flight of stairs??”

I glanced around again, but despite the slight air of unfamiliarity, the hallway looked just like any other. I swallowed a sigh. I had gotten lost a fair few times in the last month. It was an informal royal decree from both Morgana and Grier that I was not allowed to wander the halls unaccompanied anymore. It seemed I had a knack for ending up in quite the opposite place of my intended destination.

“I-it did seem… a little longer of a walk than normal.” I mumbled sheepishly. I was lying, of course, as it hadn’t really. Then shot him a sidelong look. “... Ah… where are we going then?”

Grier’s grin turned sly, and he glanced at me out the corner of his eye. “It’s a surprise.”

“But… but i-it’s late. Y-you shouldn’t be-”

The King scoffed, waving one hand errantly. “I have been given a clean bill of health now, pet. I am free to surprise my husband to my heart’s content.”

I blinked rapidly, trying to sort out what he meant by that. “... D-don’t call me ‘pet’.” I hesitated, looking around again. “So w-where-”

“Still a surprise.” He interrupted me, giving my arm a gentle squeeze. “But I promise we are almost there.”

I relented with a stifled huff, letting him lead me as he would. I couldn’t help looking around curiously, but simply had no head for the layout of the castle. It was far more complex than the one I had grown up in, and even there I had some trouble from time to time. It had taken me nearly my full 25 years to grow comfortable with it; I imagined it would take much longer than that for me to settle into familiar paths in this castle.

“Are you looking forward to your brother’s coronation?” Grier asked by way of distraction for my nerves.

I peeked at him, my frown returning slightly to the corners of my mouth. “... No.”

The goblin chuckled. “I would have thought you would be happy to have him on the throne. A much more level and reasonable head than your father, I am certain.”

I nodded my agreement, checking down one dark hallway we passed instinctively. “Of course. Crown Prince Valerianus will be an excellent ruler, a boon to his people.” My voice strayed into the old formal flatness from my youth. But then I stopped, staring down at our feet as we walked. “... I-I am not looking forward to the coronation itself.” I dropped off momentarily. “... Least of all because Morgana will be staying with m-my… my brother upon our return.” The word still tasted strange to me.

“Just for a few months.” He reminded me soothingly. “A season at each castle. I believe it is quite the fair arrangement.” He gave my arm a gentle squeeze. “It’ll go by faster than you think… What else worries you about the coronation?”

“... I don’t like parties.” I sighed. “I don’t like crowds of people… I-I prefer to be alone.”

“Except for me?” He offered.

I blushed, stammering for a moment. “Except f-for you...” I amended quietly.

His grin returned, and he tugged me to a halt. “Excellent. Because we are here.”

We stood beside a massive set of pine doors, inlaid with dark carved oak. A delicate but intricate pattern wove beautifully across each, and I considered that for a long moment. I looked around, then back at the doors, my head naturally tilting to the side as I tried to figure exactly where “here” was. Higher up, of course. Now that I was aware of it, we had climbed at least two sets of stairs to get here. But aside from the beautiful carved doors (which I was fairly certain I had never seen before) there was nothing overly distinct about our location, and nothing was familiar.

“Ah… sh-should I know where we are?” I asked timidly. Afraid he would be insulted that I did not, or disappointed his surprise was not completely evident to me.

The goblin was nearly dancing from foot to foot in his excitement. “Why don’t you open the doors and see?”

I hesitated, cocking one eyebrow at him. Then released his hand to push the left side door open. Grier pushed open the other, then stood with his hands behind his back while I assessed the room beyond.

It was a foyer. I knew that much. A grand fireplace to one side, a plush couch flanked by a pair of armchairs (matching, I was surprised to find) and a white marble table. To the other side, another pair of armchairs set on either side of a circular table set with a decadent chess set (those pieces didn’t quite seem to belong to each other though). I glanced over at Grier, and he nodded, encouraging me to go deeper with a large grin on his face. He jerked his head to the right, and I obediently went through the door there. A large reading room, with a tall window set into the length of one wall, a soft looking bench beside it. We were in the tower then, I surmised, craning my neck back to follow the floor to ceiling shelves with a thin ladder and narrow ledge at the middle to reach the second level of books. I could smell the old pages, and lingered for a moment. More plush furniture, cozy and soft looking. A few over the top decadent pillows, and a fair few knick-knacks, though they were neatly set about the room.

I turned back to Grier in the doorway, opening my mouth to speak. But he merely gestured for me to follow him back into the foyer, then across to the opposite door. This one was a closet, long and narrow, with a few cloth mannequins in between the shallow alcoves stuffed with vibrant colored clothes. At least on one side. On the other, my eyes widened slightly upon seeing dark, solid colors. Coats. Vests. White or cream shirts. Greys and blues mostly, with a few other colors smattered in between. Not stuffed, as the opposite side was, but neatly arranged and ordered by item types. Vests in one place. Coats in another. Tunics and shirts in the last. Boots and belts on hooks and shelves between. There were mirrors in the corner, each more decadent than the last and making the space seem even more full than it was.

Again I opened my mouth, the realization coming to me, but the goblin put his hands on my hips and started to push me towards the door in the back. I stammered a few useless sounds, but he persisted. Steering me through to the next room.

A bath. Large, with pearl and opal encrusted pools and delicate marble steps. I craned my neck back, finding a beautiful mosaic of colorful and sparkling tile in the ceiling. I marveled at it for a moment, breathing in the warm, steam filled air. Listening to the soothing sound of trickling water. A few raised basins lined the walls, with intricate stone carvings set into their backboards where water trickled into them before dripping off the sides and down to some unseen place in the ground beneath.

“There’s more.” He told me before I could speak. Catching my hand and tugging me through the door on the opposite side from where we had entered.

I followed behind, feeling in a daze. A bedroom this time, as evident by the bed large enough that I was certain a giant could comfortably lay sideways in it. It had tall, dark oak beams, and was filled with plush pillows along the headboard. Heavy curtains were neatly tied to the posters with golden rope, and there was another large fireplace off to one side. I recognized some of the bobbles and odds and ends from my time spent clearing his chambers. I dug my heels in, yanking Grier to a stop as I marveled at the room.

“A bed so big you could lose me in it.” He reminded me, his grin still ear to ear. “I hope this one with suffice. It was quite the commission.”

“... Th-this is… for us?” I mumbled timidly, and felt my face suddenly flush dark.

He laughed. “Well, as long as it matches what you wanted.” He tugged my hand a final time. “But there’s one last surprise here for you.”

I obediently followed after him, letting him lead the way to the back corner. There was an archway, with a small little room to one side and a spiral stairwell to the other. The room was rounded on one side, with beautiful colored glass windows. The walls were a soft yellow, and the furniture was decidedly small. A small bed, a soft looking armchair with a sheepskin draped over it. And a cradle, alongside the window. My blush went even darker.

“Is it how you imagined?” He asked, stepping to the side to give me a better view. “I’m not sure what human nurseries look like, so I am afraid it might lean a little more to the goblin side of things.” His own scarlet eyes appraised the room. “We can of course change anything you’d like.”

“It… i-it looks…” I stepped shyly into the center, slowly pivoting on one foot. The setting sun broke through the glass, bathing the room into an almost magical glow. “... It looks… perfect…”

I jumped as his hands slowly came around my middle, and I felt him bury his face in the slope of my back. My breath fluttered from my chest, and I hesitantly rested my hands on his arms at my waist. A thousand thoughts rushed through my head at that moment, so quickly it was soon throbbing. Especially as his hands began to slowly rub against my abdomen.

I glanced at the doorway, then blinked a few times. “Wh-where do the stairs go?” I asked tentatively. Eager to distract myself from the heat of him at my back.

He gave me a gentle squeeze, then slid around to stand in front of me once more. “I thought you’d never ask.” The goblin took up my hands again. “Come.”

The spiral stairs were narrow, but not uncomfortably so, and I had no trouble following behind him. Our boots clicked on the stone, and I could barely keep up with his eager pace. The stairs let up to a large circular room at the top, devoid of furniture. The walls were mostly all glass, save for the stone archways supporting it, with thick curtains bunched along their length ready to be drawn. A door opened opposite us, leading to a balcony around the outside edge. But it was the center of the room that drew my attention.

It was filled with blankets, rugs, and large pillows of varying colors and patterns. Creating a soft nest of sorts, and encircled with white candles that were somehow already lit. Their flames flickered on the surface of the polished glass, making it look like we were surrounded by soft faerie fire. The ceiling was domed, and also completely glass, and as I stepped closer, I dropped my head back to look up at the swirl of pastels dancing across the sky as the sun began to set. The room was filled with the soft smell of flowers, and I saw them hanging from planters along the top edge of the stone pillars, draping down delicately. There was also a strategically placed set of stout, square glasses, and a tray of amber filled decanters. I could see the mountains for miles in almost every direction, and again slowly turned in place as I took it all in.

I felt eyes on me, and dropped my own from the heavens to find Grier’s waiting. He smiled at me, a little shyly. Obviously waiting for my final reaction. I looked around again, feeling as if my breath had been stolen from my lungs. I realized my mouth had dropped open a little, and quickly deigned to close it.

“Perhaps not what you had in mind when you said ‘a balcony’.” He mused. “But I thought it might still impress...” He gestured to the blankets and pillows at the center. “Fancy a drink to top off the evening? Perhaps to celebrate our new abode?”

“Th-that…” I fumbled for the right words, still a little dumbstruck. I swallowed hard. “That sounds… It would be.. a-ah... P-perfect.”

He motioned for me to sit, then walked around and carefully closed the curtains of the windows, leaving just the domed ceiling overhead. I stopped at the edge of the nest, hesitating for a moment before removing my boots. It didn’t seem appropriate to tread over the fabrics with them. I noticed a few petals flittered among the pillows, and pondered at exactly how they had managed to get so far from their source. The sun had all but completely sunk below the horizon now, and the inky night sky was beginning to seep into the pastels left in its wake. Slowly, I sat amid the pillows, craning my neck back to watch the darkness’ progression.

I heard him come up behind me, as well as the shuffle of him removing his own boots. The hairs on the base of my neck rose as he sank down to his knees at my back, then I felt the heat of his body once again as he slowly wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I shivered as his hot lips suddenly pressed to the side of my neck.

“What do you think?” He asked me softly. His breath warm against my skin.

I felt my face flush, and looked down at my hands in my lap. “O-of the rooms? Or… Or of all this?”

He gave a soft ‘hmm’ at that, then kissed my neck again. “Both.”

I peeked over at the stairs, trying to ignore the way he moved his hands back and forth over my shoulders. “... I-I like them… You ah… Y-you definitely were listening…”

He chuckled, and my eyes drooped as he pressed his lips against my skin once more. “My sweet Prince, I’m always listening to you.” One of his hands rolled to trace slowly down my front. “... And this?”

I swallowed nervously, then pretended to be too preoccupied with considering the room to notice his nimble fingers undoing the buttons on my vest. “I-it reminds me of… o-of that… umm…” I flushed a little darker, distracted. “... That first dinner…”

He nodded, slipping in a little closer. “Our first ‘date’, so to speak.” I could hear his smile in his next words. “You remember.”

I nodded. “O-of course I do… it was…i-it was...“ I dropped off, struggling to find the right word.

“Special?” He offered, and goosebumps shot across my skin at the word. I nodded again, resisting another shiver. He hummed his approval softly. “That was the intent… though I have an entirely different goal for how I’d like this night to end… But I want to ask you something first.”

My breath caught in my throat at that, and I turned slightly to look at him out the corner of my eye. His fingers had halted, and I found an unfamiliar seriousness waiting for me when I met his gaze. It made my mouth twitch down, and I turned to face him a little more. Curious what he could possibly want to ask that had him so uncharacteristically somber. The goblin took a steadying breath, easing his hands slowly back to cup on his lap.

“Nikostratus…” He paused, drawing in a breath, “... Will you marry me?”

I blinked at him. “... We’re already married.”

Grier scoffed angrily, brushing his hand through the air. “Yes yes, technicalities and legalities and all that. That’s not what I’m asking.”

“But that’s… that’s what you just asked-”

“No! I mean, yes, that is, but that’s not what I meant.” He gave an exasperated sigh. I felt my mouth twitch at the corners as his tentative expression turned to a scowl. The goblin shook his head, then took up both of my hands in his. “What I meant was… will you, Prince Nikostratus… will you be mine? And will you take me as yours?” I started to open my mouth, but he squeezed my hands. “Not because of a treaty, or in case I die without an heir. Not because I’m a King, and you’re a Prince. Or for our people, or even for the sake of peace. Not to make anyone else happy… but because I asked you… because I love you…” His scarlet eyes dropped down to our hands. “... And because you want to-”

“Yes.”

He jerked sharply. “... What?”

I nodded. “Yes. I will. Because you asked. Because I want to.”

“... Just like that?”

I smiled shyly at him, and I saw his eyes sparkle at the sight. “Just like that.”

He released one of my hands from his and brought it up, turning my face towards him properly. I met his eager lips with mine, shifting to twist at my waist. Bringing my own hand up to tentatively trace along the edge of his sharp jaw. We held that kiss for a long breath, relishing in it together.

Then he moved, stretching and rolling himself around to come to my side. Easing my now unbuttoned vest off my shoulders and teasing his tongue between my lips. I shrugged the vest off, letting him toss it to the side without breaking our kiss. Feeling his hands return to begin untucking my tunic and undoing the strings to my trousers. My own hands reached for him, finding first his waist, then the hem of his pants. Gently tugging his own shirt loose, slipping my palms underneath to press against his warm, bare skin beneath. My heart leapt and thudded in my chest, and forgot how to breathe for a moment as he broke our kiss to roll my tunic up and over my head.

His hands came to my shoulders, pushing me firmly, until I fell onto my back amid the pillows. And he climbed on top, straddling me and planting his firm buttocks quite soundly on top of the swiftly growing bulge at my pelvis. I nearly groaned, and saw the same intense heat in his own eyes as I felt rippling through my body. I watched as he pulled off his own top, revealing his muscular torso and taut green skin to my hungry gaze. He tossed his shirt to the side as well and came back down, kissing first my mouth, then pushing my head to the side with his nose to begin slowly licking and sucking at the curve of my neck. My eyes rolled back and a shiver of delight rippled through me at the sensation.

“... A-are… Are you sure you’re… Y-you’re…” I stammered, unable to manage a complete sentence with his lips trailing across my skin.

I felt his hum against my throat, and gasped as he gently nipped at me. “Absolutely.”

Grier came back up to lean over me, his hair falling wildly about his shoulders as he bent down. Pressing our lips together again to reassure me of his words. His hands came to rest on either side of my head, and I let my own trace hesitantly up his bare arms. First to his shoulders, then slowly down his muscular back. I marveled again at the warmth and texture of his skin, and shivered as it seemed to remind me of my own exposed flesh. I heard his jaw click slightly as he opened it wide, sneaking his tongue back into my mouth. Winding it around mine. Another shiver passed through me, and I felt him shift. Rubbing against my cock through our pants and leaving my head spinning again. I fed him a shuddering breath as he ground his own member against me, sending a prickling heat racing through my body.

He unlocked our mouths, bringing one hand up to turn my face to the side before burying himself against the tender flesh beneath my ear. The sound of his tongue working against my skin coupled with his hot breath in my ear had my hands on his back looking for purchase to pull him closer. He trailed his sharp teeth across my skin, and I caught my hand in his hair as he worked his mouth slowly down my body. My fingers curled into those messy locks, and I started to prop myself up on one elbow as he moved lower and lower. Wondering where exactly he was going.

Scarlet eyes flicked up to me, and the heat there made my heart skip and sputter dangerously. “Lay back.” He breathed against my skin, his voice several octaves deeper with the husk of his arousal.

I did as I was told, settling into the pillows once more with my heart in my throat. Trusting him as the more seasoned player for exploiting our arousals. He had certainly proved himself quite skilled in such carnal desires over the past month. I felt his mouth trail kisses down my abdomen, felt his hands massage at my sides. My own hand was still buried in his hair, and it twitched as his fingers curled around the hem of my pants. Pulling them down and freeing my cock from their quickly shrinking confines. I tried to not think too much about how I was now laid bare before him, even as my heart thrummed. Luckily the blood was rushing through a fairly different head of mine at that moment, and my thoughts were congealed and fleeting at best. And as his hands slid up the back of my thighs to cup my buttocks, I lost even that.

I jerked as something firm and wet flicked at the head of my cock. Then gasped as the sensation returned. The pant of his hot breath against my pelvis brought the shocking clarity to my swirling brain that it was his tongue currently rolling over and licking at me with abandon. At first, I was so surprised my mouth dropped open. But as his long tongue wrapped and lapped at all my most sensitive parts, I decided I really didn’t care. More heat poured through my body, until I felt the tips of my fingers and toes go numb. I tightened my hand in his hair, and groaned loudly as his lips suddenly closed around my erection. Enveloping it in that hot, wet mouth of his. I thought I could feel the tantalizing brush of his sharp teeth along its length, and he began to rhythmically work his way up and down my shaft. I groaned again, trying not to writhe too much beneath his hot breath and lapping tongue. His hands massaged at my cheeks, slowly pushing them tightly together then spreading them apart.

I was glad for the soft pillows beneath me as I smashed my head back recklessly at the wave of pleasure that washed through me. My hand bobbed with his head, riding up and down the full length of me. I could feel his lips scrape the hair at my pelvis, and each deep thrust left me twitching more than the last. I curled one of my legs half around him, needing to touch him. To feel the heat of the rest of his body. His hands worked between my butt cheeks, and I felt the tip of one beginning to massage my hole.

Damnit. I thought to myself as a pulsing flash of light filled my vision. I started to try to pull away from him, feeling myself cresting on the edge of pleasure. But he stubbornly latched on, somehow managing to bury my cock deeper into his throat. I gasped, then moaned, my fingers in his hair spasming. I would have felt embarrassed by my sounds, had I the capacity for any thought other than that of the sensations of his mouth wrapped around me. His finger flicked inside me, and I smashed my head back again with that final straw.

I shuddered, crescendoing over the top and crashing back down on the other side in a hot, rippling mess. I felt my cock throb, pulsing my cum straight into Grier’s waiting mouth. I would have flushed in embarrassment, had my entire blood supply not been otherwise preoccupied at the moment. My body became in as much mush, my bones forgetting their solidity, my legs feeling numb. I blinked rapidly, trying to sort out exactly what had just happened, but my thoughts remained a hopeless swirling mess.

Before I could fully return to myself, Grier’s mouth found mine. My hand at the back of his head slipped to cup his neck, and with a weak grip I pulled him closer instinctively. He tasted salty, but not at all bad, and I welcomed his long tongue back into my mouth. Breathy with the lingering memory of its previous exploits. I felt myself slowly returning, and found his hands still massaging and playing with my ass. And was quite aware of his own cock rubbing against my pelvis eagerly.

I didn’t let myself pause to think, reaching down. Wrapping my hand around him. He fed me an equally breathy pant as I firmly gripped his manhood. I started to sit up, half on my side, adjusting to allow myself better purchase while his hands still worked at my backside. I used the moment to explore his cock in my palm, sliding up and down its length, with the pale tuft of wiry hair at its base and running partially up his abdomen. He hardened more at my touch, and I couldn’t help the little giddy glee in my stomach at the feeling.

I wasn’t sure if I was expecting it to be different from a human cock. A quick glance confirmed it was as green as the rest of him, though the head was darker. I thumbed the veins and ridges, running my palm appraisingly over it. Grier seemed eager to indulge my whims, and his pelvis jerked at my movement. I was surprised to find it was not smaller, as I would have expected it to be considering his proportions. Despite the goblin’s stature, I was pretty certain his appendage was very nearly the same size as mine. It certainly fit my palm similarly, and I enjoyed the familiarity of its shape. Feeling more and more confident as I rubbed at it firmly, confirming to myself this fact. Grier broke back from my mouth to lightly nip at my lip with his sharp teeth, seeming unable to fully handle the pleasure and desperate for an outlet.

He quivered as I continued to pump my palm up and down his shaft. I moved my other hand from the base of his skull to massage at his shoulders. He tucked his face against my neck, panting against me. Palming my ass and drifting his fingers ever closer to my anus. I encouraged him by picking up my pace, and felt him bite at my throat with a soft groan. He murmured something I didn’t understand, and suddenly his fingertips felt moist and tingly as he slid them in and around my hole.

“I want to know what it feels like to be inside you, Nikostratus.” He purred against my skin, and I quivered with anticipation. Gasping softly as he worked his fingers deeper. Carefully massaging and stretching me out.

I gripped him even more firmly now, rolling my hand down the length of his shaft, slowly pushing back his skin to fully expose his sensitive head to the night air. He groaned again, and I delighted in the feeling of the vibration of it at my throat. Whatever magic he had placed on his fingers was soothing and cool, and I felt myself relax at his touch.

His hands came around, pushing me down with his palms at my shoulders. I didn’t object, falling back willingly. Feeling my legs shaking with my growing anticipation. He coaxed me onto my stomach, and rolled his hands back and forth over my cheeks a few times. I felt his cock slide between them, and heard his breath hitch as he rubbed it there for a moment. Then aligned himself properly. I didn’t dare try to look over my shoulder at him, my face hot, my breath catching. I tried not to flinch as I felt his head graze the ring between my cheeks, but couldn’t help the shiver of excitement. His preparations allowed him to push easily inside me, though he did so slowly. Relishing each tantalizing inch. I curled my fingers into the blankets, my mouth dropping open as his head ground slowly against a particularly sensitive spot. He moved until he had buried himself to his pelvis, and bent slowly over me. His breath splashed against my spine, and I felt him carefully roll his hips.

I closed my eyes, letting loose something halfway between a moan and a gasp. It felt strange, but not unpleasant. He rolled again experimentally, then I felt him shudder against me. He bent further, curling over my ass and resting himself on his elbows. Until he could lap at the sweat now slowly dripping down my spine. I quivered at that, lost in a fresh wave of pleasure as he ground and rocked into me again. And again. His mouth came to my skin as he moved, and I could feel his breath panting against my sweat slicked shoulders. He alternated between kissing and licking, but as his pace picked up, I felt his teeth prick my skin in between groans pressed into my flesh.

I relished the sound of his hips smacking against my fleshy bottom. I enjoyed the feeling of his cock thrusting deep inside me. He moved gently at first, but gradually picked up speed and force as his excitement grew and my sounds spurred him on. Before long, he released a string of goblinese. I didn’t have to understand it at all to know it was probably not in any way ‘proper’ or ‘polished’ speech. It made my heartbeat even more erratic, and his thrusts seemed to match it. I felt him shudder again, and stifled a moan with my face buried in the blankets.

Suddenly, he jerked and spasmed, and a small part of me imagined I could feel him pulsing inside me as he reached his own climax. Logically I knew whatever magic he had used to relax my ring would likely prevent that, but I preferred to still imagine I could.

The goblin dropped onto my back with a hefty gasp, his smaller body quivering. My own body alternated between melting into a semi-solid state and tensing into a shiver. Each panting breath I drew, I could feel his weight rise and fall along with it. Our heat melded together, until I wasn’t entirely sure where his body ended and mine began... Eventually, he planted a final kiss between my shoulder blades, and slid off my back with a soft thump.

I found a bit of solidity to roll onto my side a few breaths later, and jumped slightly as Grier practically launched himself into my chest. I would have laughed at that, had I any semblance of where my lungs were at that moment. Instead, I sluggishly draped my arms around him, feeling his pleased sigh against my sternum as I did.

When several long minutes had passed without sound, I started to crane my neck down to check if the King was even still awake. I was certain he must be unconscious; he would never have been this quiet otherwise. Though over the last few weeks I had found there were nights when he talked even in his sleep! A pair of languid, hooded red eyes flicked up to meet mine, and I raised an eyebrow. I had fully expected when we got to this… ‘moment’, he would be full of teasing, boisterous words. Perhaps some musing on our varying physicality, or a comment on some quality of my body. Leaving me flustered, stammering, and proficiently bothered. His mouth twitched at the corners, but I was surprised to find him continuing his uncharacteristic silent streak.

As the heat and rush of excitement started to fade from my body, I found my anxiety waiting. Perhaps he had been disappointed? Or found my performance lacking in comparison to his other partners? Had he overexerted himself? A pang of guilt hit me hard in the chest. I shouldn’t have let it go so far. I had been too caught up in the desire, and turned selfish. He was still recovering; it had only been a month after all. I fretted over this, feeling my body stiffen around him.

Suddenly, Grier chuckled, and his lips pressed lightly to the hollow of my neck. “Over thinking things, are you?” He mumbled, as if his lips weren’t able to move properly to form the words.

I shifted nervously. “I-is it that obvious?”

Another soft laugh, and he snuggled deeper into me. But he didn’t answer right away, breathing another sigh into me. My heart skipped about in my chest, bouncing around the walls of my ribcage. His hand came up, sluggishly smoothing against my skin, rubbing the side of my neck and down my shoulder. I tried to take comfort in that, adjusting my suddenly oversized tongue in my mouth. Still, I lay stiff as a board beside him, and after a little while he brought his lips back to the same spot at the base of my neck.

“I’m not much of a talker.” He fumbled by way of explanation, his words slurred and slow.

That did make me laugh out loud. “Since when??”

He hummed a soft, amused note, and I felt his eyelashes brush against my skin as they fluttered. “After sex, I mean.”

Instantly my face flushed at the word. “A-ah,” I stammered, then shifted a little. “I-I… I didn’t know th-that.”

I could almost sense his languid grin, and he pressed his lips to my hot skin again. Then once more, though softer. His body relaxed, and he buried his face against me. His warm breath spinning down my sternum to be trapped between our entwined bodies. I swallowed once more, but adjusted, curling more completely around him. Cocooning him.

I rested my chin on the top of his head, and let a soft sigh escape as I forced my own body to relax. We lay quietly for a while. I knew he wasn’t asleep, as I felt his lashes run along my skin each time he blinked. I borrowed reassurance from the sensation, and my muscles loosened more. My eyes found the stars over our heads, and I watched them amid the reflection of the candlelight.

“I used to spend a lot of time staring up at the sky,” I breathed, “Wh-when I was younger… I found I could hide better in the dark, a-and no one ever thought to look for me outside for some reason…” I ran my hand along his spine, letting the words simply flow from me. Not really speaking to him, specifically. Just speaking... As I had when he was sick, and I had attempted to keep the habit up since. “I liked the night… Things were… quieter then… P-people didn’t bother me as much…” I considered the stars I could see from my position tucked against him. “We had a small collection of books on the constellations… I think I memorized most of them, I read them so much… I-I liked to… to read. Whenever I could manage to, I would go to the castle library…” My hand skimmed up to play with the long strands of his hair spilling over his back. “There was this… one spot… It was, ah… it was where the walkway of the second level stopped short… But there was just a little gap before the top of the next pillar and… a-and I found that I could s-step from the walkway to the pillar, then around to the next… then in the corner, one of the bookshelves was shorter to let in the light from the window…” I turned my head, burying my nose in his silky soft hair. Breathing in his spicy sweet scent. I knew now he liked to burn sage and myrrh in his rooms. He found the scents calming... “I would sit on top of that shelf for hours… No one could ever find me… I had a pillow set up there, and I would leave my favorite books…”

His soft chuckle vibrated against my chest. “I see Morgana wasn’t the only adventurous royal.” He murmured into my skin.

My lips twitched at the corners. “... I-I’m mostly of the literary sort… I would go there when I’d had enough of socializing and crowds. After all the galas, and balls and… ” I hesitated, my hand pausing with the long strands of his hair twirled around my fingers. Suddenly reminded of another such impending event. “I-I… I don’t want a big wedding…” I confessed suddenly, wincing.

Grier shifted, seeming to come to life at my words. I stiffened, worrying he would deign to leave my side if he was upset enough. I wasn’t sure what I would do if he did, and felt my heart ache with the fear. I felt his hand, previously forgotten in the knoll of my neck, slide over my muscles. Down my pectorals, then back up. His kiss was soft against me, and I shivered at it.

“Alright.” He agreed readily.

I blinked in surprise. “... Y-you… you don’t mind?” I felt him shake his head against me, and my fingers in his hair tightened. “I-I thought you wanted… I thought you would want a big… a-a very big ceremony, especially now that-”

“I’ve told you this before.” He interrupted me. His hand lingered at my throat, his thumb following the lump as I swallowed. “I don’t know why you never seem to believe me. I want you to be happy. That’s all I want.”

“... Even if it wasn’t with you?”

The goblin leaned in to nip at my soft flesh with his teeth at my tempered teasing. “Alright.” He amended. “I want you to be happy with me. But... if you couldn’t be-”

I shook my head, wrapping him up in my arms and pulling him close. “I-it doesn’t matter.” I told him in denial of that possibility as he slowly wound his hand to my back. Entangling himself around me. “I don’t… I-I don’t think I could… I don’t think I could be...h-happy… without you.” He nuzzled into the side of my neck, until I could feel his breath in my ear, and I took courage from that. “I-I don’t think I’ve… I’ve ever been…” I dropped off, then shook my head again. “N-not like this…”

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that…” He breathed, a happy relief in his voice. Then he paused, drawing small circles with his fingertips on my back. “I’ve been... obsessed with you… Ever since I first learned of you three years ago.” He confessed quietly, and I tried not to stiffen with his words. “I thought it was just some… strange fancy. One that would go away with time.” He smoothed his palm over my shoulders. “After I saw you… I just… always felt like something was missing. Though I couldn’t tell what it was… I certainly never put it together with you specifically.” He sighed. “Yet it was constantly driving me. Though I didn’t know it. It drove me to halt hostilities. Then to seek out the peace… and then… that drove you to me… and…”

He leaned back, pulling himself free from my embrace. I turned, looking down at him as his hands came about to cup my face. His long thumbs ran along my cheeks under my eyes, as his own seemed to study every pore. Our breath intermingled in what was left of the air between us, and electricity snapped in its wake. Slowly he stretched up, kissing me softly, gently. As if he were in a pleasant dream, and longed to do everything in his power to linger in it.

“And then I saw you again…” He murmured once he had finally leaned back. “I saw you in my castle, standing before me. Close enough to touch… and everything just… clicked. Everything became so obvious.”

“W-was it really so easy for you?”

“No.” He admitted. “I wasn’t lying back then, when I said you surprised me. I really never thought I would like you. I had never met a human before that I had found I could do much more than tolerate.” His head cocked to the side. “But I thought it would be... interesting, at least. And…” He grinned. “You are very handsome.”

My cheeks grew hot and I tried to flick my gaze to the side. He tightened his grip, tricking me into looking back at him in surprise. Just in time for him to kiss me again. I hummed a sigh against his mouth, my eyes fluttering.

“You are very handsome,” He declared, his voice soft, “And charming, and selfless, and sweet.” He kissed me again. “And I will keep telling you this until you believe me.” A final kiss, soft and tender upon my lips. “Now… how about that drink, hmm?”

The corners of my mouth twitched again as he untucked himself from against me and sat up. The goblin reached over, pulling the tray closer. There was a covered plate beside it I hadn’t noticed before, and felt a slight frown slip across my features as I considered it. Grier poured out a small dollop of brandy into each glass as I slowly sat up too. Pulling the loose end of a blanket modestly across my lap.

“What’s under there?” I asked, curious despite myself.

His grin grew, and he passed me a glass before using his now free hand to toss the silver cover off to the side with an unceremonious clatter. I jumped slightly at the sound, but didn’t have time to linger on it as the King proffered the now revealed plate of small misshapen yellow squares practically right under my nose. I raised an eyebrow at him, but carefully plucked one, hesitantly bringing it up for a precursory sniff. My eyes widened with delight as I recognized it, and I snapped up the entire treat in one quick bite. Letting the sweet but tart flavor roll over my tongue with a soft sigh.

Grier laughed, equally delighted, and picked up another after returning the plate to the tray. I met his eyes, suddenly a little embarrassed by my eagerness, my chewing slowing. But he held the fresh lemon cookie out to me, obviously pleased with the same behavior that embarrassed me. My lips twitched and I leaned in to take it directly from between his fingers with my mouth in a surprisingly bold whim. Which only made the delighted smile of his grow even more. Before I could pull completely away, he caught the back of my neck with one hand and stole a lemony kiss. I couldn’t help my own little chuckle deep in my throat and found myself a little surprised by it.

I washed the mouthful down with a sip of the brandy, watching him take one for himself and having an experimental nibble of it. “...You really thought of everything, didn’t you?”

He gave a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, shooting me a coy look out the corner of his eye. “I do aim to please…. Is it everything you wanted for this night?” He scooched closer as I finished the last of the small serving of brandy in my glass. Climbing into my lap once I placed it to the side. “What else does your heart desire? Tell me, and it’s yours.”

I adjusted myself nervously, my heart skittering about in my chest as his warm skin brushed against mine. “I-I… What about you?” I mumbled shyly. “Surely you must-”

“I have everything I want,” He interrupted, reaching up and catching my face between his palms, “I have the man I love. My whole world. Right here.” He pulled me down gently to kiss me for several breaths. “So tell me, my sweet Prince, what do you want?”

I hesitated, my blush rising to my cheeks. He brushed it aside with his palms, and I peeked at him through my dark lashes. “I-I… I want… I just... want you…” I told him softly. “Just you…” I glanced to the side, taking a small breath, trying to let the words trapped in my chest flow out unchecked. “I-I want… I want to… to wake up next to you every morning, and I want to fall asleep with you every night...” I paused, peeking at him again, but when he didn’t interrupt, I added “...And I am fully aware that we will never wake up at the same time…” He laughed softly at that. Encouraged, I continued on, letting everything pour out in a rush. “I-I want… I want to see what ridiculous outfit you wear everyday, and I want to see you panic when your hair starts to turn white.” I reached up, thumbing his cheek. “I want to see what happens to green skin if you stay out in the sun too long, and I want to rule alongside you a-and leave this Kingdom to our children... I want kids with you… I want lots of kids with you... and I want to see you playing with all of them in the gardens. I want… I-I want to…” I swallowed hard, stammering and fumbling for the words momentarily. “I… I want to love you for the rest of our lives, Grier... and I want those lives to be very, very long…”

His hands slowly slid until he had fully wrapped his arms around me, surrounding me with his spicy sweet scent. Then he kissed me so deeply I thought perhaps the stars in the heavens had always been just a faded copy of the universe that flashed behind my eyes at that moment. The warmth, that lovely, wonderful warmth, started in my chest, and pulsed through me with each beat of my heart. Reaching out to every inch and molecule of my being. Until I couldn’t even remember what it was like to live and breathe without it. I didn’t even feel him lean back, but then suddenly his voice, bathed in tenderness, filled my ears. Blowing air across the smoldering coals burning hot in my chest until my whole body tingled with emotion.

“I see we are a perfect match then, my young Prince.”

...

The End...

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noodlegirl-googlyeyes · 2 years

Text

this is a post about bodies, and how i choose to think about mine in a way that makes me feel better!

TL;DR I have body image issues, and sometimes it helps when I think instead about how complicated my legs or hands or whatever are in the mechanical sense. I try to cultivate gratitude for the amazing things my body can do so effortlessly and how complex those systems are. When I do this, sometimes it makes me feel a lot better about my body! This can be hard to do in the moment, but I practice it and I'm getting better at it.

full post under the cut!

look, we were all raised in an environment where certain body types were considered beautiful and others weren't. an environment where certain ideas were attached to certain physical characteristics. this influenced our beliefs about ourselves and others in very powerful ways, and those beliefs inform behaviors and emotions. i know that, when i see someone, their physical body influences my snap judgement of them, the one that seems to form in my head instantly.

this isn't a post about how i see other people though, its a post about how i see myself. since coming out as transfemme the way i think and feel about my body has changed and deepened drastically, in amazing ways, but also miserable, terrible ways. there are times where i'm doing fine, i'm having a fine day, until i catch just a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and suddenly this overwhelming self-hatred takes over. i think probably most people know what i'm talking about.

look, within the framework of those beliefs that our environment taught us, everyone has physical traits that are just not attractive. some people are just ugly in many ways. some people have traits that are associated with very specific bad beliefs, which can be very, very hard to cope with. and i know everyone struggles with this, but honestly, i personally couldn't have even begun to comprehend the full depth of it all before i came out as transfemme. that's just my experience.

so, long story short, there's a lot of times when i look in the mirror and instantly want to pull my spine out. and i'm lucky, body-shape-wise; im objectively, like, decent-looking, and that's not a brag, i'm not going to be like 'oh i work hard for that i earned it'; that is so Not the point it's not even funny. and, i still want to tear my spine out.

so i have to go back to absolute basics. i literally Cannot think about some trait i have through that lens, my brain shuts down and reboots, starts thinking about something else. so, basics.

i'm not a huge fan of my hands. they look alright, but they're big, kinda muscular, thick. the funny thing is that before i started seriously considering coming out as transfemme, i had a completely different perspective on them. i loved my hands. i loved just looking at them sometimes. and the thing is this wasn't because i considered them attractive hands for a guy, it was because after years of piano practice and rock climbing, when i looked at them i saw all the things they had done for me and all the things they could do. that's basics. that's what they're for, after all. it's their true value, and it has been as long as hands have existed on earth. that's the wonder in a baby's eyes as they learn how to hold and pick up and put down.

so, sometimes i catch myself looking at my hands and wishing in that aching hopeless way that they were small and dainty and soft because they're not. so i try - when i remember to - to change track and consciously think instead about the way they work, how many things they can do. tendons stretches over bone running into my palm, then up my forearm to my elbow, the muscle fibers that pull them running all the way up to my shoulder and the whole deal controlled by electrical impulses running through nerve cells all the way up my spine to my brain. no machine that we've ever built is this elegant, and durable, and versatile. and it took a while to train myself to do this, but i can think about that and become almost overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude at this all. more complex than i could possibly comprehend, and yet as simple as a passing thought, not even conscious. i can do this to any part of me, really, though some aren't as romantic as my hand. none of these uncountable parts are earned, they were freely given with no expectations, and none of it is a guarantee. i have two hands. i don't do a goddamn thing to earn that privilege, and there are many who don't have two hands through absolutely no fault of their own.

and when i look at myself that way, i am beautiful, the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. am i sexually desirable? that doesn't even matter anymore. i can find that sense of ecstatic wonder i get looking at the stars in the pitch black of a mountain clearing at two AM. all the incomprehensible awe of looking out over the ocean, stretching off into the distance. i can do that any time i want to; the beauty of all the universe is in every one of us.

that last paragraph got a little poetic, but i think it's fine anyway. anyways yeah. and to be clear, i don't just see my crash bandicoot hips in the mirror and start weeping as if the galaxy as revealed to me - this is something i have to consciously choose to do over and over and over and most of the time i have to fake it, at least at the start. it's a practice. idk it just. it helps me. if maybe someone reads this (lmao no one will read this. posts this length are scroll-past material only.) and it seems like something that might help them then i'll be glad i posted it. actually its my blog and i post what i want and i dont care if you don't care about it or if you hate it. 💋

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halothenthehorns · 3 years

Text

PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY'S PREDICTION

Harry was in such a giddy mood after the last chapter that it took him a little longer than usual to settle down and try to read, putting all of his delays on this one feeling, and refusing to admit that now that school was coming to an end, he knew he should remember something that he'd been ignoring all year.

Harry's euphoria at finally winning the Quidditch Cup lasted at least a week.

"Can't believe it didn't last for months," James beamed, still unable to knock the pride out of his voice, not that he was trying.

The rest of the school was in exactly the same mood, the beautiful weather out every window leaving all the students with fantasies of lounging around.

"But of course that's the time exams are set," Sirius muttered in disgust.

They couldn't though, as student exams began, and they were forced to make their brains concentrate,

"You're starting to give me flashbacks," Remus sighed, rubbing his forehead in that remembered pain.

despite the summer fast approaching. Even the Weasley twins had been caught studying,

James spazzed and then pretended to faint in shock, while Sirius 'broke down' crying about how he was so disappointed in them.

Lily and Harry couldn't help giggling along at the pair of them, while Remus looked about ready to join in except he couldn't do anything to theatrical with the baby in his lap.

which was fair considering they were about to take their O. W. L. s.

"Alright, I'll give them a pass for that," James nodded, coming out of it.

"Yes fine, just this once," Sirius nodded in agreement as he wiped his eyes.

Percy was getting ready to take his N.E.W.T.s (Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests),

"Really wish that was a joking title," Lily muttered in remembered disdain of how accurate it was.

and was now prone to telling off anyone and everyone who so much as made a peep disturbing him.

"Whelp, there goes that good mood of his, that he had for five seconds," Remus rolled his eyes.

He still wasn't as bad as Hermione.

"Oh bloody hell," James winced, remembering all over again the amount of tests that girl had to cope with.

Harry and Ron had long since given up asking how she was going to all of her classes,

"Still don't comprehend how you could give up on that," Sirius asked, knowing he'd pester the girl to no end until he got his answer.

"Don't I know it," Remus sighed, Sirius having pestered him to no end when he realized he'd been hiding something, and not having let up until he figured it out.

but they couldn't help but ask when they saw her schedule, which had two exams being taken place at once.

Lily went cross-eyed at the thought of one exam in the morning and one that evening, let alone double it!

Ron began the conversation very carefully, since she was known to explode when anyone spoke to her.

"Well can you blame her?" Harry asked with a bit of an edge, remembering those moments a little too well.

He asked if she was sure of these times, and Hermione had a mini freak out as she double checked them and said yes of course they were right.

"Right," Sirius said with a frown, drawing out the word past its normal syllable count. He wasn't questioning that part any more than before, just how she was bleeding doing it.

Harry asked if there was a point in asking how she was going to pull that off, and she told them no.

"That's when you ask again," James pointed out.

"And again," Sirius seconded.

"Until she's told you after the millionth time you ask," James concluded.

"Trust them on this," Remus said with a suffering sigh, "they have way too much experience on that front."

Then she asked if they'd seen her Arithmancy book, and Ron admitted he'd borrowed it for some fun,

"It's good he's branching out into subjects he isn't taking," Lily muttered, thinking he was quite brave to poke fun at her at a time like this.

though quietly enough she couldn't have heard. Harry got distracted by a note arriving via Hedwig from Hagrid.

They all perked up again, though without much hope. They all knew what was coming, as nothing had changed.

He read out that Buckbeak's appeal had been set for the last day of their exams.

"Guess that's kind of a good thing, you might could sneak out and see him," James muttered without any enthusiasm, knowing if they could they would have done it already.

Harry was still reading though, as the note said the Ministry was coming up here to do it,

"Ugh," Lily muttered in disdain, thinking that wasn't any kind of professional at all.

and they were bringing an executioner.

"Why, would Hagrid know that?" Remus asked, going just that little bit paler from shock at this blatant disregard of Hagrid's rights for his appeal.

"Maybe he does have a friend at the Ministry that warned him," Sirius said listlessly, the reason didn't matter, it still made him see red with anger.

"But, but that means," Lily tried to splutter, but she was so angry she couldn't get the words out. None of them needed her to, they all knew what this meant. The Ministry had set its mind, and that appeal had just turned into a literal execution, making it all the more ghastly that this was being done in Hagrid's house!

Ron was furious as he snapped they couldn't do that, just ignore all that reading he'd done for this appeal!

"You tell them that when they arrive," James nodded seriously, knowing this wouldn't be the only things he'd like to say to every one of those pompous, arrogant, gah he was so angry he was running out of insults in his own head!

Harry though had the strong feeling that they could, and would, as the Committee had already proven they'd do exactly as Lucius wanted.

"Sounds about right yeah," Sirius hissed, his hand starting to twitch like he wanted to curse Malfoy into oblivion right then. If Malfoy could get away with doing these types of things, what else did he have running for him at that Ministry!?

The younger Malfoy, who hadn't been nearly as public since that last game,

"Wish he'd stay that way forever," Remus snarled.

gained back some of his old attitude for this news.

"How, could, he, be, pleased, with, this!" Lily said slowly and carefully to stop herself from screaming at the top of her lungs, not with her infant still in the room anyways. It just blew her mind that he hadn't learned a damned thing, even after his cruel acts to Harry all year and her son had still won fairly, even after Hermione had taught him right how words could hurt and he'd gone right back to it! What would it take to make this boy see this wasn't okay?

He made it plenty obvious from his comments that he felt personally responsible for what was going to happen to the hippogriff, and couldn't be more pleased about it.

"I cannot begin to say just how wrong that is." James scowled, hoping against hope something could still be done, anything that would get this animal out of this putrid situation he didn't belong in. All this for a couple of scratches on his arm, when Malfoy had deserved that in the first place!

It was all Harry could do to stop himself imitating Hermione and hitting Malfoy in the face on these occasions.

"You have much more restraint than any of us," Remus nodded seriously.

"It vaguely helped he would most often do this with Snape around," Harry said morosely, his face making it clear that probably might not stop him again the next time he saw him.

The worst part of all was that because of the strict security still around, they had no chance to go see Hagrid, and couldn't sneak out because his cloak was still in the secret passage.

"You just going to leave that down there forever then?" James sighed, randomly wondering if the twins had come across it and perhaps taken it or anyone really, they couldn't be the only kids to know about it.

Harry did look like he was regretting this decision as well, he'd just been so upset and paranoid about being caught around that statue so many times that if anyone, Snape or at the time Lupin, caught him there again, he might lose something far more valuable to him then that Map, he couldn't have stood it if someone took his cloak away next. He still might have risked it though just to see Hagrid, but there was also the matter that he had no way of getting out of the castle with all of those securities, so it was a moot point in the end. Once he explained this to the others, they looked like they understood more, though as unhappy about it as Harry. Remus especially, though Harry had left his name out, Remus guessed it all the same.

Exams began and Harry's first was Transfiguration,

James couldn't help but perk up just a bit, wanting to know how his son had done in his old favorite class.

which didn't seem to go that well as the students came shuffling out comparing progress, asking if points were taken away for this or that.

"It didn't say what you did," James said swiftly.

Harry grimaced as he muttered, "mine had been the one to blow steam."

"Well that's not so bad," Sirius said bracingly, "if it had just waited another few seconds, no one would have even known and you'd have gotten full marks."

Harry gave him a friendly smile for the attempt, but his thoughts had been much like his fathers, and he'd been hoping that by now with his magic he may have gotten some sort of hint at what he might be best in. It certainly wasn't his father's old branch, which wasn't improving his mood.

Then there was Charms, where Harry put a bit too much oomph into his magic and accidentally used his Cheering Charm too strong on Ron, who had to be escorted out while he laughed himself silly and had to be calmed down to try his own.

Lily couldn't help a giggle herself, saying, "honestly I can't see you getting too bad off for that, at least you've shown you can do it."

Harry gave the expected laugh back, though still right on being annoyed that it clearly wasn't his mother's either. Despite how often they kept saying how much he was like them, he was still looking for some sort of connection to them back then even through these feeble means rather than possessions they'd once owned or even people. He had vividly remembered Ollivanders words about their strengths in magic, and the longer he didn't excel in one of these two the more it annoyed him.

Then it was off to study for Care of Magical Creatures,

"Well that one should be easy enough," Remus said lightly, noting like the others Harry's bad mood, but unclear why it was there. Since he wasn't saying it they assumed it had something to do with his memories, so he was still trying to keep things light as he finished, "all you did was study flobberworms all year, plus that one class where the fire salamanders came."

Harry nodded in agreement, forcing himself to shake away his problem which was probably just a stupid want, and focus on the here and now, where he could make plenty of connections to his parents.

which Hagrid made an ease of during the exam, since he was clearly preoccupied.

"Guess you can't rightly blame him," Sirius said in honest sympathy.

Their goal was to make sure their flobberworm was alive after an hour.

"Easiest exam ever!" Remus said with just a touch of envy, they'd never gotten off so easy in that class with Kettleburn, though upon reflection that may have been a good thing.

Since this creature survived fine when left alone,

"See, you did learn something in that class," James pointed out with chipper.

they had no problems with this and instead tried to comfort Hagrid. He was barely keeping himself together as he admitted that Buckbeak was starting to get restless from being tied down too long.

"That'll happen with any animal," Remus nodded sadly.

They didn't get long to think on it though as they had Potions next, which was a disaster.

"Can't even rightly blame you," Lily sighed. Harry couldn't help feeling disappointed in himself all over again, knowing that was his Mum's favorite subject now and wishing he could be better in it, not much he could do though with the teacher he had.

Harry's Confusing Concoction was far too runny,

"Does Snape make all of his exams an unintended joke?" Sirius couldn't help but demand, slightly amused as he remembered Harry's first year and his Forgetfulness Potion qualification.

and when Snape inspected it he wrote down what looked to be a zero.

"It's a bleeding miracle Harry hasn't failed every year with that kind of biased," James growled.

Then they had History of Magic, where Harry wrote as much as he could on all the information Florean Fortescue had given him on those witch-hunts,

"Always a good strategy," Lily nodded, "do the most with what you can, bullshit your way through what you don't."

Harry couldn't help a startled laugh, finding it more amusing as time went on his Mum was clearly relaxing and not being so uptight.

all the while wishing he could have some ice cream now in the boiling room.

"I wish they'd serve ice-cream with every exam," Sirius sighed, "it would certainly make me more willing to show up."

Their second to last exam was DADA.

That caused mixed emotions in all of them. They all still couldn't help but perk up whenever Remus was mentioned, he was clearly doing such a good job with the class and he had gone out of his way to take an interest in Harry's dementor problem. Then of course that lead to his more odd behaviors, and it left them confused all over again what on earth had happened to him this whole time. Had growing up alone and away from his friends really changed him that much? Twelve years was a long time, and none of them really felt like they had a right to judge if he had.

Remus was the only one who didn't agree with that last assessment, thinking that all the time in the world shouldn't have changed how he felt about Harry, wouldn't have done anything for his conviction of protecting and helping Sirius, but as they still had no new information on it, no one really said anything.

Lupin set up an interesting test for them, an obstacle course outside,

"You always did come up with the best ways to make that class fun," Harry told him fondly, his conviction that Professor Lupin was his favorite DADA teacher he ever had still holding true no matter what he learned of his personality on the side.

Remus offered him a wane smile for the compliment, before morosely turning back to the baby and half hoping he'd fade back out again soon, while still somehow trying to hold onto the flicker of hope that his future actions would properly be explained.

which Harry breezed through as he properly remembered every way to deal with every creature they'd learned about.

"Least I aced that one," Harry beamed, remembering his annoyance at his Potions, Charms, and Transfiguration grades again. So he hadn't blossomed in his parents best subjects, but he had in another. Their obvious praise at him now, as he'd clearly done that without Remus having given him any extra help, made them as proud as anything.

Ron had a little less luck, getting sidetracked by the hinkypunk,

"He got out alright though," he said unnecessarily, since Remus had still been around and had to get him out before he finished, "and he fought off the boggart just fine, so he still got really good marks."

and Hermione nearly got a perfect score as well, if it wasn't for her boggart.

Lily remembered back to when the boggart had first come up, and the girl's ire that she hadn't had a go. Lily had laughed then because this student didn't seem to need such practice.

She ran out screaming,

Then she blanched in shock along with everyone else at that reaction.

as she sobbed that McGonagall had been in there telling her that she'd failed every class.

They couldn't help it, all of the boys cracked up laughing. Lily tried to scowl at them, but then she remembered Ron's joke that this would actually be her boggart, and she couldn't help a light giggle of her own at how right he'd been. It still wasn't right to tease her, since she was stressed beyond all reason this year, but the fact that she really thought this still was laughable. Even with the extra workload, they'd still been under the impression she was top of her class in now literally every class.

Ron clearly wanted to laugh,

"Don't blame him," Sirius couldn't help but snicker one last time.

but he never got the chance as they left and went back around to the front of the school to find Cornelius Fudge.

"What's he doing there?" James grumbled, his despise of the Ministry nearly having reached the same level as Sirius'. First what had been done to his best mate, his brother, and now everything with Hagrid had put the justice system he'd been hoping to join at an all-time low.

He caught sight of Harry and greeted him, who responded back in kind while Hermione and Ron stayed hovering back, never having been on speaking terms with the Minister of Magic.

"Guess I can't blame them," Remus said with a wince, his own thoughts at the Minister being on the school grounds giving him his own spike of fear. He remembered back chapters ago about his worry of what he was getting let out, and possible retribution for his being around children. Would it reach all the way to the Minister of Magic, and Harry just hadn't heard about it because it had been handled quietly? He tried to keep himself calm by making a face at the baby, which worked effectively in making them both laugh, the others wondering why Remus' sounded so strained all of a sudden.

Fudge then explained to Harry that he was here as a witness for the Committee since apparently they were set to kill some hippogriff,

They may have already worked this out, but it didn't lessen their hatred of the situation any.

Sirius looked disgusted as he leaned back into the seat, grumbling, "I'm not even surprised at this point, bet they were all paid off to just skip that appeal."

Harry didn't want to believe it, but couldn't think of anything to argue the point either. No one even wanted to ask what the Minister was supposedly doing dealing with this low level type thing, the answer wouldn't make the act any better.

and since he'd had to come to Hogwarts anyways to check in on the Black situation, he offered.

And that didn't make anyone feel any better either.

Ron jumped in to ask if the appeal had happened, and Fudge looked confused as he told Ron it wasn't until later.

"Confused as to why anyone would question him," James said through clenched teeth, "or confused at how his own system is working!"

Ron pointed out that the hippogriff might not need a witness for an execution then, he could go free.

"I honestly want to cry at how sincere he's being," Lily ground out, looking the opposite of tears she was so frustrated by this wrongdoing.

Fudge didn't have a chance to respond as he was joined on the steps by an old wizard and a man fingering an axe.

"Merlin could they be any crueler about this!" Lily howled in outrage. Showing up to Hagrid's front door with that! At this point she wouldn't even be surprised if they didn't do this the humane way, and just simply lopped off the creature's head while Hagrid was watching and then walk away like that was okay!

"Can't believe the Minister himself is there, they're so blatantly-" James had to click his jaw shut to stop his own voice from rising in pure frustration of this continued mess.

Ron tried to say something, but Hermione cut him off by giving him a subtle kick.

"Please tell me Hermione isn't really going to stick up for this," Sirius asked with something remarkably close to hatred.

"No," Harry snapped back at once, "she'll tell in a second, but she'd never after all she did to try and stop it."

Sirius backed down at once, he'd still been unable to stop himself from drawing a lot of parallels to that hippogriffs situation and what he was envisioning as his own, but now when he replayed that, it had been crueler than he meant.

What really bothered him was that Harry kept watching him with a frown in place, and Sirius wasn't really sure why. Harry had been looking at him a lot like that through the whole book, it was that same plagued face that meant he really wanted to remember something. The fact that Sirius still feared for his own futures sanity and Harry couldn't answer that wasn't helping anything.

When the three had left, Ron demanded to know why she'd stopped him, and Hermione explained that as his Dad worked for Fudge, it wasn't a good idea for him to go yelling at his boss.

"Well, damn," Lily finally got out after chewing on that for a moment, "guess she's got a point."

"Guess it wouldn't have been worth it," James agreed with a suffering sigh.

Hermione tried to say that so long as Hagrid kept his cool, there wouldn't be a need for an execution.

Harry's tone as he read that made it clear that Hermione hadn't meant that any more than they did.

She didn't sound any more sure of it then they felt.

"Why does this crap keep happening to you at the worst of times?" Remus grumbled to no one.

Harry's and Ron's last exam was Divination,

"Least this should be another cakewalk," Sirius offered, anything to keep Harry from shooting him looks. Was it just him, or were those going up in frequency every time Buckbeak was mentioned?

and they made their way unhappily to her tower to find the other students trying to do some last minute reviewing.

"What are they even studying?" Lily asked in wonder. "All we've heard in that class is make it up as you go along."

Harry just shrugged, he'd tried his hardest not to take that class seriously after his first lesson, it hadn't always worked, but he didn't think that was going to change.

They found Neville looking down in confusion at his own book at the section for crystal balls and asked them if they'd ever seen anything in that class?

"Think I found a fly trapped in there once," Harry muttered without any enthusiasm, his skin starting to itch all over. Something, it was definitely that feeling rising up in him again. Something was about to happen...

Ron said no while constantly glancing at his watch, counting down the time to Buckbeak's appeal.

"If she's going in alphabetic order, the boys might not even make it down there in time even if they were going to sneak," James moaned, thinking Trelawney was probably going to take forever.

She was calling the students up one by one, and when Neville came back down from his turn and Harry asked what had happened, Neville refused to tell as Trelawney had told him if he did he'd have an accident.

"Oh for the love of," Lily huffed, more than at her wits end between the fate of Buckbeak and now this teacher on top of it was putting her in quite the foul mood. Now she was still picking on Neville on top of everything!

Ron scoffed that was convenient, and admitted that he was starting to think Hermione was probably right about their teacher,

"Starting to?" Remus rolled his eyes, even with the proof that he did know she was a Seer, she still annoyed him to no end, and didn't really think she should be indulged.

she was a fake. Harry agreed without any real care, still watching his own watch, now set at two.

"Least it's going faster than I thought," James muttered, Harry and Ron's actions clearly meant that this time they may really go for it and be with Hagrid right then, which was surely needed.

Parvati came down next, telling the boys that her's had gone wonderfully as Trelawney had told her she could be a real Seer,

"Don't," Sirius told Lily, taking great pleasure in cutting her off for once. "Leave the kid be."

She huffed but held her tongue, to his surprise.

then waltzed off to join her friend. Ron was called next,

They noticed that obviously this wasn't in any order, so they kind of wondered how she was picking, but it didn't really matter, she could have just been doing it randomly to keep them on their toes.

and Ron made a face as he left, leaving Harry alone.

"Why do I get a bad feeling about leaving him for last?" Lily sighed, thinking Harry may well spend an entire hour now trying to be convinced there was some death dog after him.

When he did come back down, Ron finally told Harry that all he'd had to do was look in a crystal ball, but he hadn't seen a thing so he'd just made something up on the spot, though he didn't know if she'd believed it.

"Well clearly you need some help from Lavender," Sirius smirked, now he clearly wasn't the only one watching Harry, whom the longer he read the more strained his voice was getting.

Harry couldn't help it though, he just knew something was about to happen, and it was making his headache like no other.

Harry said he'd meet him back in their dorm as he went up for his turn, going upstairs to find Ron's described setup.

"Well Ron had the right idea," James sighed, "I'm pretty sure all you've got to do is make something up on the spot and you might get away with it."

"Still can't believe you didn't drop when you had the chance," Lily muttered.

She greeted Harry and had him take a seat, telling him to take his time for something to come to him. Harry watched the white swirls within the glass, but nothing was happening.

"I think I'd be a little more worried if it did," Remus said honestly with a twitch of his lips, then frowned when Harry hardly reacted. He hadn't been this stressed in a while now, so for him to be acting like this meant something really big was about to happen...in Trelawney's room...

When the silence continued, she prompted him,

"Thought she said he could take his time," Lily rolled her eyes.

and Harry began describing the first thing that came to mind, Buckbeak. Trelawney was very interested, asking if this hippogriff still had its head?

Sirius couldn't help a little gag, what a horrid thing to ask him! They'd all said all they could on this matter though, so it really wouldn't do any good to keep at it now.

Harry said yes at once, and Trelawney tried to coax a different answer out of him, asking if perhaps an axe was hovering above him?

"Bloody hell I think she's enjoying herself." James groaned, starting to look a little green from that description, coupled with how much the teacher seemed to be enjoying herself trying to get Harry to picture this gruesome sight.

Harry snapped no, and instead wistfully said it was flying away.

Harry dearly wished this had been what was bothering him, it certainly gave him a seconds moment of relief which could possibly mean that he was right, but he got about as long to think on it before his headache returned with such a force he could hardly read the words, meaning he hadn't yet gotten to the part that needed saying to make this go away.

Trelawney was disappointed as she told him that would have to be all and excused him. Harry got up and turned to leave, when he heard from behind him a deep rasping voice say 'it will happen tonight.' Harry spun back on the spot to find his teacher sagged over in her chair, her eyes open but gazing on nothing, her mouth half hinged open.

"Is, she having a fit or something?" Lily couldn't help but ask with genuine worry, but Harry paid her no mind as the moment had come, and he read in a hurried breath.

Harry wondered if she was having a fit, she was twitching all over and growing color in her cheeks, but before he could think to do anything she said again in the same heavy voice she'd never used before:

"THE DARK LORD LIES ALONE AND FRIENDLESS, ABANDONED BY HIS FOLLOWERS. HIS SERVANT HAS BEEN CHAINED THESE TWELVE YEARS. TONIGHT, BEFORE MIDNIGHT... THE SERVANT WILL BREAK FREE AND SET OUT TO REJOIN HIS MASTER. THE DARK LORD WILL RISE AGAIN WITH HIS SERVANT'S AID, GREATER AND MORE TERRIBLE THAN EVER HE WAS. TONIGHT... BEFORE MIDNIGHT... THE SERVANT... WILL SET OUT... TO REJOIN... HIS MASTER..."

The instant relief of pressure Harry finally got as he sighed at that memory being restored to him was ruined the second he heard the noise.

Sirius felt himself blackout for the span of a few seconds before he lunged off of the couch and looked like he was going to sprint out the door. James wasn't giving him a chance, lashing hold of his arm so tight Sirius yelped in pain, but it clearly didn't register as he sobbed, "oh god, oh bloody hell, oh Merlin, what did I do-"

Remus smacked him then, hard. It didn't seem to do anything though, Sirius was shaking so hard he was likely to bite his tongue off, and it wasn't too hard to picture what his eyes might look like in twelve years, they were just slightly tinged with madness now as he stuttered out, "twelve years! Who, who else could that mean, oh please just kill me now, I don't want to know what I did!"

He made such a horrid noise, like an animal slowly dying, as he tried to wrench his arm free and cover his ears, starting to curl in on himself. The one thing he'd ever cared about most in his life, and he had done something to get his family killed! He'd gotten James and Lily killed, he'd caused Peter to die, he'd been the cause of Harry's whole life turning into a raging shit storm every other month, all because he'd done something that he didn't think he could bear finding out about anymore. Whatever it was would never justify what that Seer had just called him. A servant, someone who had clearly made all of this possible!

How long he stayed out of it as his life literally felt like it was crashing in around him he didn't know. So many things he'd been trying to repress since he'd heard his bleeding name in that paper were drowning him all over again, and he didn't even care about how he'd been framed for murdering those people because he clearly deserved that sentence in Azkaban, it didn't matter why he left because he shouldn't have, he deserved every last second of it.

He'd thought it had been himself crying at first, but then something inside of him twitched as a new noise entered. Harry was wailing at the top of his lungs, and that same instinct that had driven him to comfort James and Remus through all of these horrid things they kept hearing about reawoke, drowning out whatever he was feeling and helping him to bottle it up and shove it far away as he looked around in confusion to the howling child who was being uneasily held in the arms of his future self.

That thought would give anyone's head a whirl, but that's what was happening. Harry stood tall and proud as his father, cradling his own infant self with clear unease, but that may have been because he kept throwing fearful looks over in his direction. Harry kept walking towards the stairs and back, like he wanted to leave and get the baby out of the room, but couldn't bring himself to do it because he kept circling back and watching Sirius with wide and fear filled eyes.

It took several thick swallows before the rest of the room came back into focus. James nearly had him smothered into his chest he was hugging him so hard, muttering over and over again that he could never blame him, while clearly trying to talk Remus and Lily out of putting some sort of spell on him that would force him to relax.

Both were shaking so hard it was a miracle they were on their feet, but they were watching him with such wide eyed concern it nearly shamed him as much as the aching hatred for himself had.

Here he was, making this all about him, when clearly there were more important things to worry about.

He tried to pull away, but James's arms only tightened all the more, so Sirius tried to muffle out, "I can't breathe," whereas in reality he was only really sucking in air because of the reassurance that through all of this, James still couldn't find it in himself to hate him. James had gotten everything he wanted out of life through the girl of his dreams and his baby, and still when it was shoved in his face that Sirius had been the cause of taking it all away his brother had refused to show him anything but insistence that he'd never believe it for a second.

It nearly reduced him to tears all over again, but he was being persistent now as he tried to wiggle free, now more determined than ever to save these lives no matter the cost to him. He'd find out what he'd done and take his punishment happily if it meant saving their lives. He finally got himself free only to meet the darkest of hazel eyes, making it clear Sirius had nearly scared the living daylights out of him, literally, but the moment he was out of those arms Lily had marched over and sat down beside him.

She grabbed his face and made sure he was looking into those ever green eyes as she told him with the utmost conviction, "it's going to be alright. We'll never let that happen to you." Personally she was still a little stunned herself, as she'd never seen him break down before. Sirius had always held himself as a proud man who only let the world see just how good he knew he was. While in the years that she'd fallen for James and gotten to know Sirius more properly as the brother he'd become, she still couldn't ever have believed he was capable of this severe a reaction to something he must know just wasn't possible.

He gave a sullen nod as she released him, gave him a quick kiss on the brow, then scampered over to her son/ sons and did her best to soothe both of them who were equally freaking out, one just more vocally than the other.

Remus flopped down in her empty seat and looked torn between wanting to kill Sirius for giving him a heart attack or hugging him and never letting him go like James had been trying. He settled on all of their fallback, making a joke. "Please give us a warning next time before you go into shock."

Sirius desperately tried for a smile he just didn't feel, because on the inside he was still a shriveled up mess. He may have gotten his emotions under control enough to save face, but he now knew without a shadow of a doubt that dead little part of him wouldn't come back. This was more proof than any he'd ever had before, and still he couldn't do anything about it. Feeling like a lost child, he unfurled himself but couldn't bring himself to lean away from James who still had his shoulder pressed into his. Remus copied that a moment later by leaning into him as well, and though feeling squished, it was pretty much all that was keeping him in place.

Lily and Harry walked properly back in then, Lily cradling her now much more complacent charge. She looked for a moment like she was going to hand him over to his Godfather, but Sirius couldn't help but turn his face away, feeling like he should never have the right to hold that baby again.

Lily would have vehemently disagreed and told him in alphabetical order how stupid that was, but while being squashed like he was he couldn't have carried on the act if he wanted to, so she relented, for now.

Harry looked the most sheepish of all, like he wanted to apologize for this whole mess and go give Sirius a hug himself to reassure him all would be okay, but the words failed him even before he could put them together. The more this carried on, the more he knew this day was the most important of his young life. Something happened on the day of Buckbeak's supposed execution, it involved Trelawney's prediction, and it involved Sirius Black. Whatever it was though would not sit in his mind for any length of time for him to understand how it all fit together, so he was sure if he began to start and try to do anything about it he'd pay dearly and the last thing his family needed was another episode.

Still he hesitated before picking up the book, like he was waiting for permission from someone to say it really was all going to be okay which came from Sirius himself, without any of his usual warmth. "Go on, get it over with."

Harry couldn't help a frown, he still sounded so desolate like at any moment an executioner was going to show up for him, but his friends on either side of him looked so fierce like they'd murder Voldemort himself before they let that happen, Harry didn't argue the point.

Before Harry could even think on that, Trelawney came back to herself with a start, muttering about how she must have dozed off for a moment.

Harry really didn't think at this point he could be any more surprised, the harsh reaction from his Godfather because of that mess left him with only an inkling of shock that she clearly had no idea what she'd just done, unless she was faking it, which Harry really doubted.

When Harry remained frozen in shock, and Trelawney asked what was wrong, Harry tried to tell her what she'd just told him about the servant of the Dark Lord.

Lily grimaced, to be perfectly honest when Harry had read out the return of the Dark Lord bit, that had been what she'd been caught on, until her brother began having a panic attack. Now no one even dared to venture what that could mean for their Harry. None of them knew how Seers actually worked, was it possible this was all wrong, or could somehow be stopped?

With Sirius' eyes closed and his head flopped back against the couch like he was still wishing he could start his gravestone, no one was going to linger on it.

Trelawney told Harry he was being ridiculous, she would never begin to try and predict such a thing.

Remus felt something twitch in his mouth, like he wanted to make a joke at her expense that she held that kind of restraint, but considering he was far more worried on making sure Sirius kept breathing it just wasn't coming out.

Harry stumbled away, his mind winding like the staircase, trying to figure out if his teacher had just made a real prediction.

'Oh, of that we've no doubts' James sighed, his mind still flying in every direction possible, and he wasn't going to stop until he landed on the proper meaning for that prediction which did not involve his best friend.

He tried to think of something else, like she'd been faking it for an end of year trick.

'Could explain why the other students were so freaked out and wouldn't talk' Harry couldn't help but think, trying desperately to put his mind on any more pleasant topic, but the horrible silence that still lingered wasn't leaving a lot of room, and Harry couldn't bring himself to be the one to break it. Plus he knew deep down that wasn't true, or he was sure he wouldn't have reacted so strongly to it.

When he did get back to the main castle he hardly noticed the people walking past him for the outside, laughing and joking about school finally being over.

'Once, just once, can't Harry have some peace in that place' was Sirius' first real coherent thought as he zoned in and out of the story lifelessly, still considering it a viable option to slink out of the house when no one was watching, which didn't seem to be happening any time soon.

He found his two friends in their normal place in Gryffindor tower, but before he could tell them what Trelawney had said, the words died at the look on their faces.

'How can something else have happened in the fifteen minutes since the last bomb?' Lily wanted to snap, feeling like her nerves were about to be frayed right out of her body as she cradled her son all the closer.

Ron explained that Buckbeak had lost.

"Oh," was softly echoed through the room with one glaring left out. It's not like they'd forgotten per say, but Sirius' plight had sort of made it fade back into their mind. Now that it was back in the foreground, they just didn't know what to say. What could they say? What had been done was wrong, and the government doing this wasn't encouraging. It started with the unfair trial of the hippogriff, but the corruption could possibly keep going up until someday someone else got an unfair trial and a beheading because the right bribe was paid off to get rid of a person. Harry hadn't thought it was possible to feel worse, and realized he was wrong as he forced himself to keep going.

Hagrid had sent another letter, explaining that the execution would take place at sunset, but he didn't want them coming down to see it happen.

"I don't want Hagrid to see it," Lily grumbled softly under her breath, the first real time someone had spoken up making them all give a little start, but the baby seemed to enjoy the voice again as he made a gurgling noise watching his mother's face.

Harry said he still wanted to go, he wouldn't just let his friend sit around on his own waiting for this to happen.

James made sure Harry could see his pride filled smile, knowing he'd do and say the same thing in a heartbeat. Screw the rules, his friend needed support. Since his own friend was acting vaguely comatose, James leaned into his shoulder with a little more pressure.

Ron pointed out they had no way to get there, and Hermione asked where he'd hidden away his cloak. Harry told her, then said he didn't dare go and get it because if Snape caught him there he'd be in serious trouble.

Harry paused expectantly, never having been more grateful for his choice of words, but there was no comeback. They were all growing more worried the longer this carried on, Remus even reaching over and pressing his hand into Sirius' nose just to make sure air was still coming out.

Sirius did respond by pushing the hand away, but he still wouldn't meet anyone's eyes.

Hermione asked for the spell that would activate the witch hump, and Harry told her but then tried to protest, which she ignored by walking out.

"What were you even going to say?" Lily asked, starting to feel a little jittery. She'd grown so used to the boys interrupting near constantly that the prolonged silence was starting to give her the creeps.

"But you shouldn't be caught there either," Harry responded, his own worry at the situation still at hand. Of course they both knew Remus and James were just at a loss for words, in no mood to be playful, teasing, or anything when their friend was acting the way he was, so until Sirius snapped out of it this could last for a bit.

Ron asked if she'd really gone to get it?

'Be a little worried if she went to the kitchens' James wanted to mock, though kept his mouth shut and still half hoping Sirius would say that instead.

Indeed she had, returning some time later with the cloak tucked down her front. Ron was in awe, saying first with Malfoy then Trelawney, now this, what had gotten into her?

'She's making sure no one messes with her friends without her doing something about it' Sirius realized, wanting to smile and praise the girl aloud, but the words got lost somewhere on the way out. He was torn between wanting to get the attention off of him, a foreign concept itself, and the beginnings of bubbling warmth that his family really was standing by him even through this foulest of revelations. If the way he could return the favor was getting the mood back to where it should be, then so be it. He now determined he'd have to work this out of himself at the next chance. He tried to sit up more properly but still being sandwiched all he really accomplished was giving the two half cautious looks as they eyed him hopefully for finally giving a real sign of life, but Harry may not have noticed as he'd kept going.

Hermione looked pleased at the praise as they went downstairs, hid themselves away in a room and waited for the last set of footsteps to scurry away and a door slammed before they were all clear.

Harry couldn't help a startled little blink, the smallest of feelings inside his gut telling him to pay attention to that, but he was far more focused on ignoring another mounting feeling. It wasn't fair it was happening so soon after the last one, but he never did get to decide when this happened, and as the sun continued sinking down, he was absolutely positive this night was an important one in his life.

They all tucked up under the cloak and made their way unseen down to Hagrid's, who let them in despite saying they shouldn't have come.

"I'll weep the day he does close the door in your face."

Maybe Sirius said that a little too loudly, maybe his voice cracked and he still looked more wretched than he had in his life, but the attempt finally gave all of them the release they'd so sorely needed that the vile escaping the room was nearly visible.

Hagrid was somehow acting even worse than before, though this time he wasn't crying, he looked so lost the tears had been easier.

Lily couldn't help her lip trembling a bit like she was fixing to cry for him. It just wasn't right, no matter how many times she said it or thought it she could never say it enough that what was happening to him shouldn't be. Between Hagrid and Sirius her maternal instincts were going haywire in wanting to comfort her friends, but unable to do anything she instead settled on smoothing out her sons hair and never growing tired of the way it stuck right back up.

He tried to offer to make them some tea while explaining that Buckbeak was getting in his last sunlight out in his pumpkin patch, then he dropped the milk jug which broke on the floor.

The others all thought that the strain coloring Harry's voice was because of his stress for Hagrid, which was a part, but they didn't know Harry was forcefully fighting back another memory blast already. How was this possible, happening twice in the span of a few minutes, but he had no control as a tempo began at his temple from the pain of a sharp memory fixing to be returned.

Hermione instead began to clean it up and replace it, while Harry asked if Dumbledore could do anything to fix this? Hagrid explained that Malfoy had set it up despite the headmasters try, and as Macnair was an old friend of Malfoy's no one could do anything.

'Macnair was a Death Eater,' that thought trickled through all of the Order members, as they tried their best to keep a roster and suspicions had been going on for ages about him implicated in several deaths. Well that didn't improve anyone's mood, as it only confirmed yet another Death Eater was still out and about in those times, working for the Ministry.

Dumbledore was coming down to be with Hagrid though when it happened.

"Aww," Lily coed, she was willing to put her suspicions and annoyances at the headmaster's actions aside momentarily when it came to her son and Sirius just for that moment that Dumbledore truly was trying to be there for his friend like Harry.

Harry promised they'd stay to, but Hagrid wouldn't allow it, saying Harry didn't need to be in anymore trouble.

Sirius was so sick of hearing that he was yet another cause of problem in his Godson's life, he considered trying to get up and leave again, but since he was basically a sandwich between his two friends who didn't look like they were moving any time soon, he just tallied that up to another thing he could use as his excuse later when he really did leave for good. He was already planning it out in his mind, the moment he got the chance he'd make a break for the door and he'd disappear before he caused this blight of events for his family. They may try to stop him, why he wasn't sure at this point, but he could throw these types of things at them and make a break for it while he was sure they'd be hesitating.

Hermione was crying over in the kitchen as she found another jug of milk, but then she screeched in shock and nearly dropped that one to as she exclaimed she'd found Scabbers.

"What?"

That was the most random thing that could have been said right then, that it actually distracted everyone in that moment from anything else. Harry forced himself to keep reading, to confirm Hermione was right, though everything in him told him she was.

They all stopped to stare at her, and she came over to the table and had to fight for a moment before the rodent came sliding out.

Harry made a funny rasping noise of disgust as James lit up with equal amounts of confusion and laughter as he praised, "oh that's great. Can't imagine what on earth happened-"

"Don't," Harry moaned, cutting him off and shocking as he clutched at his head, tears nearly streaming down his eyes as he pleaded, "don't say that, it's not right."

Lily turned concerned at once, wrapping an arm around him protectively as she asked, "Harry what's the matter?"

Remus couldn't help giving him an odd look mixed with the beginnings of fear for Harry, worried he was dealing with too much having such another painful memory returning so soon, as he asked, "yeah, you should be happy Ron's rat-" but then his own voice failed him, and he started blinking when something clicked. Since the very first time Scabbers had been mentioned, Harry got this odd little act around him about his best friends pet, frowning or something similar though he'd never been properly able to explain why. The description of that particular rat, bloody hell it did match the same one he looked at more than any other rat in his life, and Scabbers had a missing finger, just like...

"Oi, Moony," James was waving his hand in front of his friends face, saying, "yoo-hoo, blanked out on us mate. You figured out Harry's problem. Quite the show that Crookshanks never did, eh?"

Remus had to clear his throat hard for a moment before forcing a goofy smile onto his face, he was being ridiculous of course, it was a coincidence. Which, which he didn't believe in... shaking his head hard he said, "err, right, no sorry, ah, let's keep going."

Lily looked utterly annoyed at that, as she felt they were brushing this pain off a little too lightly, but then she took a good look at Remus' lined features, and how the momentary news had already worn off and Sirius was right back to being lackluster, and she also knew better that Harry couldn't have explained what was really bothering him anyways without suffering for it, so she didn't argue the matter, only increased her hold on her son as he flickered through a few pages as he'd lost his place. He seemed less eager than anyone to go on though, because while that had been the memory return his brain had been warning him about, the pressure still hadn't fully left! What about this day could be causing him more pain from this one afternoon then he'd felt any times previously? Now he knew it had something to do with Scabbers...and Buckbeak, and Trelawney's prediction, and Sirius, but the puzzle pieces refused to fit together, and he had no more of an idea for the ending then anyone.

Ron was just as shocked as anyone as he asked his rat what he was doing here?

"That's a very good question," Lily grumbled, finding this more unbelievable the longer she heard about it. Scabbers was alive this whole time! That fight between Ron and Hermione should never have even happened! It was odd though, that the little pet had pulled something like this off, since he was sick and usually was never mentioned anywhere but in Ron's pockets. How had he wound up in Hagrid's of all places?

He snatched up the squirming rodent, who looked terrible. He was thin as could go, with very large bald spots,

Remus couldn't help but wince, having heard a few tales about animals looking for somewhere to burrow up to die, had Scabbers just been doing that? His physical description clearly meant he was living towards the end of his life, obviously he was just being paranoid, it was just fate being all the cruller to him that he had tried to see his absent friend in a common garden rat.

and still he was trying to fight away from Ron, who held tight trying to convince his pet there were no cats around.

They all frowned at that, finding Scabbers bound of energy kind of sad, like maybe he was trying to put up one last fight before his old body gave out. It was rather odd he seemed so insistent in being away from Ron of all people, shouldn't he recognize his owner's voice?

They didn't get any time to think on it when Hagrid glanced out the window and saw the others approaching, and he told them they had to leave now. He opened up the back door and led them out to where Buckbeak was clearly on edge as he watched them all and flapped his wings in agitation.

That caused a shiver in all corners of the room, it wasn't too hard to imagine that the poor beast did get a feeling for what was coming for him, as intelligent as he was.

The three tried to give one last protest, saying they'd tell what had really happened, but Hagrid wouldn't have it and told them to go.

The combination of Hagrid doing his damndest to keep them out of trouble even while his beloved pet was about to be murdered in front of his eyes gave all of them a ball sitting tight in their throat, wanting to argue on the side of the kids and say this couldn't be true, more grateful than ever Harry at least had someone like Hagrid who wouldn't let them stick around to see it.

There was nothing more they could do, and despite it being the last thing they wanted, they all tucked back under the cloak and began to leave, Ron slowing them down slightly. Hermione begged him to hurry, she couldn't stand to watch this.

"You and me both," Lily nodded, bringing her son up to lay up on her shoulder like she was going to burp him, but really just keeping him as close to her as possible. He soon began amusing himself by grabbing hold of her thick red hair instead, and Lily almost enjoyed the momentary distraction of untangling his good grip while forcing herself to keep listening.

Ron though was having some issues, they were only halfway back to the castle but his rat was still forcing its way with all of its might out of his pocket, now trying to bite the hand Ron was using to keep him in place.

This was so random that no one could really think what could be going on anymore. The emotional turmoil of the group felt like they'd been going chapter after chapter about Harry nearly dying all day again, when really they were all just exhausted mentally from hearing about all of these bad things happening around Harry.

Below them they heard the sound of men talking, and despite Scabbers loud squeaking protest, they heard quite clearly the thud of an axe.

Harry didn't really get that out without nearly stuttering himself into silence, closing his eyes hard for a moment and trying to process what he'd just read, while something else in him told him to keep going. Sucking in a deep breath, he looked around to find the others looked just as shocked as he did, the build up to that unfair act having finally been carried through not making it any easier to hear. Unwilling to let himself freeze up now though, Harry finished.

Hermione's knees began shaking as she whispered she just couldn't believe they'd done it.

Then he closed the book and put it aside, indicating the chapter was done, but needing a moment before he could keep hearing anything. He wasn't the only one.

#Harry Potter #fanfiction #reading the books #James Potter #Lily Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #PoA #Marauders

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whatwouldmindykdo · 3 years

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I wrote a little something about coming to terms with my sexuality and thought I’d share it here...

For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamt of my wedding day. As soon as I was able to comprehend the concept of wedding and marriage it became my only goal, my ultimate achievement: I wanted, I needed to get married. This would make me successful and prove my worthiness. I would be happy forever. And so, for years, I’d spend hours imagining the magical day: the dress, of course, and its designer, the venue, the guests, the music, the menu, the bridal party, the decor. And of course, the groom. Because it was always a groom. However, I would find it extremely difficult to imagine him. I could think of qualities I would look for in a partner, but that was it. Looking back now, I think that, more than any of these things, what I dreamt of was being loved and being in love. I was just hoping to find the kind of unconditional love I grew up surrounded by. Not a person but a feeling. An ideal.

I grew up in what you would probably call a liberal family. My parents are very open-minded, left-wing voters and I grew up having political debates at the dinner table. But it was always about tolerance. Every love is love, they would say. Everyone deserves to be happy, they would say.

This, however, was not true for them growing up. Both my parents grew up in working class families and worked their way into the middle class. As liberal as my parents are, their own parents were rather conservative in thought.

My father’s parents had grown up on farms. Their own parents, my great-grandparents, lived a life I cannot even begin to comprehend. After the Second World War, as life was changing everywhere, and especially in the countryside, my grandparents left for the city (well, a city, not THE city) to work in factories. They were deeply religious and my father was raised a Catholic. However, he also enjoyed great freedom. He was free to come and go, almost as he wished, to play with his brother and friends. He was free not to work in school, drop out after middle school and go on to work with his father. Which he did, for a while, until he realized he didn’t want to do that his entire life. In other words, he was free to fail, and try again. Would it had been the same thing had he been a girl? We will never know, as he was one of two boys.

My mother, on the other hand, was not. Her grandparents had been mining workers, as almost everyone in the area. Her own parents had been saved from this life, and pushed to look for work in other industries. They had married young and my mother was the eldest of two. Her parents were heavily involved in political and union movements, pushing for workers’ rights. This gave her an awareness of the political situation and an ideal of what is achievable when you work for it. My mother, however, is also a woman. And as such, her parents expected her to behave a certain way.

She was expected to be the perfect little girl. Calm, pretty, smiling. Not to take too much space. Do well in school. Be polite. And so my mother tried her best to be this ideal girl. She excelled in school, practiced many sports, and took it upon herself to keep the family together and happy. She eventually went on to work and had to move out to another city, but always close to family as she was sharing an apartment with her aunt. When she found another job closer to her parents, she moved back home. Eventually, she met my father. They dated for a couple of years, but moving in together was unfathomable. Not before marriage. And that’s how my parents ended up married without having ever lived together, something I honestly find quite hard to imagine. Her brother, on the other hand, lived a life closer to my dad’s. He could not roam the streets or drop out of school but he did leave high school without graduating, moving out to work away and never looked back. He introduced many girlfriends to his parents before eventually having a child and getting married, in that order.

My parents would probably tell you that they raised me and my brother the same way. That not more was expected of me. That I could do the exact same thing he did. And to some extent that is true. We were both expected to excel in school. To be polite and respectful. We were both told we could dream of being whoever we wanted to be. But what had been instilled to my mother was also, somehow, perhaps more sneakily, taught to me. I also had to be the perfect little girl, no excuses. The one that doesn’t move. The one that doesn’t scream or make a scene. The one that helps at home. As Michelle Cliff says in Notes on Speechlessness, ‘I am reminded that a great compliment of my childhood was: ‘she’s such a quiet girl’’.

Instead of rebelling against this system I made it mine: it was my way of taking up space. My way of being remarkable. I was expected to excel at school: I was top of the class. I was expected to be calm and discreet: I would literally never speak. Even today it takes a lot for me to be able to do things I know my parents disapprove. Because I have built myself through others’ approval, and then who am I once they don’t approve?

What does that have to do with being a lesbian, you may wonder. See, I knew about lesbians. I knew about gays. It was not entirely unknown to me. I saw them on the news, we talked about them at home. But no one in my family was gay, lesbian or part of the LGBTQI+ community, at least not openly. That was not what we did. As much as my family rebelled against capitalistic society, we were expected to conform in certain areas, and this was one. We, as a family, are heterosexuals. And so I unconsciously associated being a good girl to being heterosexual.

I don’t remember the first time I heard of the LGBTQI+ community, nor do I remember the first time I had a crush on a girl. I am quite sure she was my primary school best friend. I very clearly remember wondering whether I was in love with her or whether that was just how you felt for your best friend (hint: I kinda knew the answer). And so, little me moved on with life. Eventually the feeling wore out, and there was a very intense and dramatic fall out. But that was it, no more questions about my sexuality. Not until I was well into my teenage years, at least. When I made it to university I had began what I would call my transformative journey, learning extensively about feminism, inclusivity and human rights. I was passionate about these subjects and wanted to learn more, and more. I surrounded myself with people who were open-minded, teaching me about these very topics, and, for some of them, part of the LGBTQI+ community. At about this time I began identifying as pansexual or bisexual. I have never been really sure about this. There was no major coming out though. I just stated here and there that I thought love was about a person and their soul, not their gender. Even though I was identifying as pansexual / bisexual, the doubt never really left. I felt ill-at-ease with the identification. Maybe I’m not into labels, I’d think. Maybe.

Deep down, I knew. I think I’d always known. I would get major crushes on women in films and TV shows. Maybe that’s just identification. I could hardly imagine being in a relationship with a man. Maybe I just haven’t met THE one. I would feel uncomfortable whenever a man flirted with me. Maybe I’m just not into him.

I just couldn’t imagine being a lesbian. And that’s not to say that I could fathom the very existence of lesbians. I knew they existed, I had a friend as they say. I truly believed that all love is love. What I couldn’t accept was that I was a lesbian. How could I not like men? Good girls like men. Good girls are straight. Good girls get married TO A MAN, and have children WITH A MAN. No way. I must be pansexual. Or bisexual. Not lesbian.

Funnily enough, the pandemic was a big transitional time for me. I was able to truly connect with myself. Away from the world and the mundanities of everyday life, focusing on what really matters for the first time, I came to a realization. I do not like men. I do not find pleasure in imagining a relationship with a man. This realization was validated by experience. I signed up on a dating app (what??? I know, don’t judge). My immediate reaction was to set up my preferences to women only (that should have been another hint right?!). However, almost immediately I changed those preferences to everyone (men and women). Why? Because, I thought, by excluding men I might miss out on the one (he’s always somewhere). What if I miss on the opportunity of happily ever after because I renounce to dating half of humanity? And oh boy did I regret that. I was instantly contacted by half the male population of my surroundings (the joys of being on a dating app) and it really felt like it was not for me. I was feeling miserable rather than happy, anxious rather than excited. I switched back to women only and I have felt safer and more myself ever since.

I guess you could say that I have been feeling rather at peace with who I am. I have come out to a few (selected) friends, in the least dramatic way possible (well, they also are the least dramatic women I know). There remains the question, however, of coming out to family. Because although I have come to term with being a lesbian, I am still scared AF when it comes to coming out to my family and the main reason is: what if I am not lesbian after all (eye roll emoji)? The real reason, though, is that I know that as open-minded as my parents are, a coming out also means a period of adaptation, of understanding what it means exactly. And for someone like me who hates both confrontation and disappointing this feels like a big deal. Selfishly, I wish someone had been there before in my family. That I would not be the first. The trailblazer. The odd one out. The lesbian aunt. But then, I think of my little cousins. And how I could be that person for them. If I allow myself past the fear.

Thing is, I also truly believe that I will not be able to be fully happy until I come out. I will not be truly happy until I can be who I am fully, knowing that the people who accept it are the ones who love me, for real. But what if that means losing my grandfather? What if it means that people will literally never stop talking about it?

As much as I have talked about the hardships of coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality, I will also mention that coming to terms with this reality has been a huge relief. It has opened me to a world where love and inclusion are legion. A world where you are accepted for who you truly are. It has given me role models, values and a political awareness that I probably would not have had otherwise. In other words, being lesbian is a blessing because it is who I am, fully. And when I get to be this person, I can finally start to breathe. I can finally start to live.

My problem lies with mainstream culture and the way it portrays lesbian relationships. I have grown up with the ability of seeing gay couples loving each other, hating each other, flirting, breaking up. Mainstream media and popular culture have very much romanticized gay relationships. What of lesbian relationships then? The reality is completely different. And how could it not be when Instagram still censored the ‘lesbians’ hashtag two weeks ago? When we only have The L Word as a reference? Where on TV and in films have lesbians been given the space and time to actually develop a relationship except in that show? And I’m not even talking about the perfect, happy relationship. Just any relationship. More than 3 minutes of screen time. You’ll have to agree that this is rather recent.

How different would my life have been if I had seen lesbian couples on TV? How different would my life have been if people had not shied away from lesbian relationships? It is time for pop culture to be inclusive of our people. Little girls need this representation. They need to know that this kind of love exists, is normal, and brings fulfillment. I wish this had been my reality so that I wouldn’t have been mad when Casey from Atypical dumps her boyfriend to explore her relationship with Izzie. Because then perhaps I wouldn’t have been mad at her for doing that. I wouldn’t have been mad at Izzie for being honest. Because that is how deeply rooted my fear of being a lesbian was: I was mad at these two women for having the courage to explore their feelings and be true to themselves, when Casey could have had the perfect ending with Evan. And that is not ok. I need to let go of the idea that the perfect life means being in a heterosexual relationship. Because I know that this is not for me. This will not bring me fulfillment.

#lesbian #lgbtqplus #about me #sexuality #coming out?#gays of tumblr

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anachronisims · 3 years

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New posts resume tomorrow, so refresh on all your favorite cave-dwellers’ plotlines in the ultimate tldr catch up post!

When the last snows melted and it was safe to travel again, six couples set off in search of a perfect place to found a settlement of their own. They could not believe their luck when they stepped over a the crest of a hillock and saw before them the lush, rich river valley upon which they would soon bestow the name “Meraki.”

After passing a large meadow with wild berries and evidence of recent animal activity, when the group found six caves at the foot of the next hillock, they knew this was their place. They spent the next few weeks chopping down trees, settling into their new cave homes, and working together to create some common amenities at the Fishin’ Hole. Then, their new lives began in earnest...

Tammuz: “Howdy, neighbor! How goes it today?”

Kimba: “Oh, you know, the usual. Working in the garden, trying to pull forth some food from this sparse and spotty terrain. We’re going to need to start thinking about storing food away for the winter if we’re all going to stay healthy and strong.”

Tammuz: “Huh. Yeah, I guess summer probably is ending any day now…”

Lehabim: “Yeah, I’ve got this whole five-year plan for expansion. We fill out the area here around the Fishin’ Hole with some huts, get ourselves out of these caves and everything, then start spreading out towards that meadow we passed when we came in? There will be plenty of space for the next generation and any newcomers we can attract. Which we will, because Pallu and Junia are going to spread our reputation as a strong, prosperous place to settle far and wide! It’s as easy as child’s play, when you think about it!”

Lehabim: “Hey, so, you’re trying to be like, a shaman now, right? Like, tell us all this mystical shit from up in the stars and whatnot?”

Noel: “Yeah, I mean, a little bit of what’s in the stars, a little bit of what’s in the trees, like that sacred bloodleaf tree there on the island in the middle of the Fishin’ Hole. There’s a lot of ideas out there about why this is all happening, where Meraki and the rest of the world came from and who moved mountains and dug rivers and why we walk and talk and do what we do all day long. I just love talking about this stuff, I could go on and on all day! ALL DAY!”

Lehabim: “If you do, you know, get in touch with the spirit world, you think you could ask them if they know how to make this bread stuff? That guy Pallu has been talking about it ever since we got here, it’s like he’s absolutely obsessed with bread. I think half the reason he’s trying to become a trader is so he has an excuse to run away from home and look for this mythical village where they supposedly make it. It’s supposed to be warm and filling and kind of soft but also solid enough to hold other food in it?”

Noel: “Oh my stars, that’s absolutely THE most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!!” Lehabim: “I know, right?! But. Seriously, though, if you get in touch with the spirits, ask them for me. I’d love to beat Pallu to it… if, you know, it turns out it’s real.”

Nadii’ya: “Good morning, Kimba!” Kimba: “Hallooo, Nadii’ya! Sleep well?” Nadii’ya: “Honestly? I’ve been better. Maybe it was something I ate? I threw up this morning. Got any ideas?”

Kimba: “Oh, well, it definitely might have been something you ate, but that’s not the only explanation. You might have… you might be pregnant, new friend! The best medical science available today says that it happened because you WooHooed. You did WooHoo, right?”

Nadii’ya: “Uh, yeah, of course.”

Pallu: “Did Stachia tell you her idea about giving special medals for acts of val -”

Nadii’ya: “Let me stop you right there. The proper reward for someone who, say, slays a boar that has roamed into the village, is to let them keep the carcass. They risk getting gored to death to protect everyone, and then what? The village splits up the boar and hands the hero a shiny rock for their good deed? No way. The one who saves the village should be rewarded with the boar, they and their family should get to feast! Why is this so difficult to comprehend?”

Pallu: “Well, but, I mean, that’s what the boar-slayer signed up for. Protecting everyone, not feasting on a boar. When they do the job, why should not everyone share in the feast? Isn’t that how a community works?” Nadii’ya: “But I could have hypothetically died!!!!!”

Kimba: “I can see it both ways. On the one hand, you, as the warrior, are risking certain death for the benefit of the entire community, and as such, you feel like the reward should be equal to that risk. On the other hand, Death is all around us, all the time, and we pretty much are all subject to certain death with every step we take. We made a community to ease the burden of living with this knowledge, to share our many burdens and attempt to ward off Death as best we can. Life is short, and why should we not all share its bounties as fully and fairly as we share our burdens?”

Nadii’ya: “…Kimba, you’re not going to die from kissing a boo-boo. Some of us are sharing the burden of death a little more than others.”

Tammuz: “So, you’re a carpenter, eh? That means you work with… wood?”

Gandu: “That’s me, the wood master of Meraki! What can I do you for?” Junia: ::loud eyeroll::

Gandu: “So, you know my partner, Junia -” Junia: “Hi!” Gandu: “-she’s going to work on finding this village that makes this amazing drink out of wheat that makes you feel like the king of the world and makes everybody friendly. Isn’t she great?”

Rubati: “The reason we must light fires every single night is to protect us from dangerous animals, and also, from the spirits of dangerous animals, which can cause us even more harm! There’s a wolf-like beast with extra scary horns that likes to terrorize Sims at night and disturb their sleep, but it’s completely terrified of fire! Isn’t that great?”

Pallu: “I cannot wait until I know how to make bread, holy ogres. Mushrooms are just pretentious dirt.”

Stachia: “Can I just say, I’m so so so so glad we all found each other and became best friends? For months, the only Sim I had to talk to was Pallu, and, creator knows I love him, but he can be such a bore sometimes. Can you imagine? Endlessly traipsing through snow and forests, crossing rivers and mountains, and just ‘bread bread makeouts bread woohoo bread bread bread,’ constantly. At least now that we’ve established a home, he can leave and go look for it and I can have some peace and girl talk!”

Saphir: “Hey, love, guess what!”

Lehabim: “You want to make out with me?”

Saphir: “Well, yes, but also, Stachia asked me to be in the hunting party she’s putting together. We’re going to start making trips to the meadow and bring back loads of food for the whole village to share. Isn’t that a great idea?”

Lehabim: “Sure… kinda wish I’d had it, to be honest.”

Tobiah: “Hey!!! Hey everybody!! Look what I caught!!” Nadii’ya: “I curse this pole to the depths of this Fishin’ Hole for ever and all time, may it never see the light of day or feel the breath of a cool breeze or do anything but rot into nothingness in the mud and the muck amongst the fish it so thoroughly refused to catch.”

Lehabim: “Do you think I should make a pact with a demon to consolidate power?” Saphir: ::record scratch::

Tobiah: “Wait a second. Special wheat drink. Beer? Are you talking about beer?”

Pallu: “Are… ‘beer’? Are you saying you know how to make the special wheat drink?”

Tobiah: “I mean, more or less. We had wheat fields all around our homeland, and you basically just take some wheat and seal it in a jug with some water and let it sit for a while and then you have beer. It’s really not that complicated. Anyone can do it in their own cave. And the longer you forget about it, the better it ends up being! It’s kind of perfect for me, lol”

Pallu: “And this information has just been inside your head this whole time?”

Tobiah: “I suppose so.”

Pallu: “Did y’all make bread back there, too?”

Tobiah: “No, no no no.”

Tobiah:

Tobiah: “But we did hear rumors of a village that did. We were planning a raid on it right before Nadii’ya and I left, actually.”

Pallu: “Did… did you find out where it was?”

Tobiah: “Of course. I was a Raiding Party Commander back home. It’s actually not too far from here, now that I think about it. Want me to give you directions?”

Rubati: “WooHoo is weird, right? Like, so strange how we get in the bed and you put your censored bits with my censored bits! Is it weird, or is it just me?”

Noel: “So, like, WooHoo, amirite???”

Tobiah: “Everybody, look how pretty!”

Gandu: “Not really the most interesting thing going on at the Fishin’ Hole right now, bud…”

Tobiah: “I think it’s just a little bit rude of Saphir to proposition Noel right there in front Kimba. I mean she’s literally right there.”

Junia: “Why would that be rude? Noel and Kimba both know that their partnership isn’t based on exclusively WooHooing each other.”

Tobiah: “Sure, Nadii’ya and I feel the same way. But that still doesn’t mean I’d want to SEE it happening, right in front of me! Saphir’s not being brave, she’s being brazen!”

Junia: “Hold on, how is it all Saphir’s fault? It takes two to woo, boo. If Saphir’s being ‘brazen,’ Noel’s being just as bad.”

Tobiah: “Everyone expects it of Noel, but Saphir should know better!”

Junia: “Do you hear yourself? Of course we expect it of Noel - so does Kimba, you idiot! She knew he was a major horndog when she decided to partner with him! This is just the way things are!”

Kimba: “I heard you were talking about me? Don’t talk about what you don’t know about, Tobiah. I don’t need anyone else to defend me, and I DEFINITELY don’t need to be protected from Noel. So butt out.”

Tobiah: “All I did was - ”

Kimba: “Butt. Out.”

Tobiah: “Every time I see your face, it makes me angry all over again! Just stay away from me!”

Kimba: “Then why did you even come here?!”

Tobiah: “Because… because… to support… because… birthday… Noel… Gaia… UGHHH just leave me alone!”

Noel: “Everybody looking??”

Tobiah: “Stop! Standing! Next! To me!!!”

Tobiah: “Oh, Chipmunk, Dada’s sorry about tonight. I’m not proud that you saw me like that. When you’re older, maybe you’ll understand. Sometimes sims have so many emotions at the same time that they don’t realize what they’re doing or saying to other sims. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Ms. Kimba is really a very good sim, but it makes me so confused and frustrated to think… you know what, I’ll tell you when you’re older. Just be nice to Ms. Kimba whenever you see her, okay?”

Linus: “Okay, Dada.”

Gandu: “Did you know the Creator made me attracted to all brown-haired Sims, and that’s like, half the village? Turns out I want to make out with just, like, everybody.” Rubati: “…Interesting… everybody? I never thought about kissing… everybody.”

Gandu: “Sometimes it can be hard to tell another Sim you want to kiss them, especially for a Sim as shy as you. Maybe it would help if you could feel like you weren’t really being yourself. Like, you’re from the Green Eyes lands. From what you’ve told me about it so far, you were raised not to kiss a lot of different Sims. So just pretend you are a Sim who isn’t from the Green Eyes lands.”

Rubati: “But… my eyes ARE green, Gandu.”

Tammuz: “I was having the most interesting dream, I was on a date - with you, of course - and I was - I mean, we were - running after a deer, and it kept darting this way and that, and then it reached a stream and I couldn’t make the jump across it but Ga- you could, and the deer was getting away and you were telling me to come on and jump over but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t make it over.”

Lehabim: “Saph, I’m really really sorry about before, I didn’t mean to make you think I want to rule this land with an iron fist - or any fist at all. I want this to be a place where Sims want to come and live their lives and I think I’m the one with the best ideas to make that happen, and I know with you by my side we’ll make it happen together, and I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt you or scare you.”

Kimba: “Have you tried summoning the dee- spirit with music? Noel is always talking about how powerful the magic of music is.”

A Voice on the Wind: ♫ Spirits, Spirits, in the trees ♫ please come out and talk to meee ♫ I have needs and you have powers ♫ If you help me I’ll give you flowers ♫ Spirits, Spirits in the trees ♫ let me indebt myself to theeeeee ♫

T̲̟͔͍͙̘͖ͣ̽͒h̩̣̱͋ͧ̈ͪͨͨ́̚i̩̜̗͔̖̮͎ͣ̃̂̆͊̀̆ͮ̀s̞̯͕͍̟͎̞̦̓̓͋̀̽̐͑ ̭̳̲̲̿ͧ͊̌ͮͨc̥͈̼̺̎̇͑ͨͬ̑o̗̲͕̘ͥͫu̲̝̩͊͆͊̔ͫ̓̌̀l̦̟̭̍͌͐d̙̑͊ ̮̟̠̼͊̈̊͊ͣ̓ͧ̀b̻̲̺̝͂̂ͥ̚ͅḛ̲̮̗ͦͥ̓̿ ͈̞̯̗̭̠̬ͬͩ̊̈́̍͌̿̄f̼̹͚̲̐ͧ̍̑̽ű̹͔͑ͭ̓n̫̰̣̈ͩ̽̐̾͆

Noel: “Everybody, I have to warn you to be on the lookout for ogres, or demons, or any other evil spirits of the forest… I don’t want to point any fingers - so I won’t tell you which person not sitting at this table tried to summon the supernatural today without help from me or Rubati… and so it probably wasn’t successful, of course. But. Just in case. Be on the lookout, and come get me immediately if you see anything out of the ordinary.”

Dan: “Lehabim of the Golden Eyes, the sound of my true name cannot be heard nor comprehended on this mortal plane. Suffice it to say that I am the one who can make all your dreams come true, so long as it pleases me to do so. Do you want riches? Unfathomable riches? I can make you so prosperous your mind would explode. Power? Dominion over this forest and all its minor creatures, dominion over your fellow sims, even unto Death itself? Speak it, and we shall see whether I want to make it so.”

Lehabim: “I mean, that all sounds really great, and I’d love to talk over my ideas for the village with you, but, seriously, what do I call you? It feels weird not having a way to address you.”

Dan: ::huff:: “Fine. You may call me Dan.”

Lehabim: “Dan, can I ask you something? Are there really ogres in the forest? It would be a huge help if we knew exactly what threats to be on the lookout for.”

Dan: “Ogres, elves, tomatoes, toh-mah-toes.”

Nadii’ya: “Do you ever wonder if you’ll be able to remember all the names of the new babies?” Tobiah: “Probably. Eventually. I mean, I really only need to know our kid’s name at first, right? I’m sure I’ll pick up the rest in time.” Nadii’ya: “…what if we have twins?” Tobiah: “Uhhhhhh. Then, uh oh, I suppose.”

Pallu: “So, which one is this, again?”

Stachia: “Darah. I think Darah. I think we decided if you always do everything for Darah, and I always do everything for Hasrah, then we’ll never get them confused.”

Pallu: “Right, right right right. Okay. Darah for Daddy and Hasrah for Mommy. Makes sense. We’ve got this, Stach. We each do a diaper, we each do a cuddle, we each put one down for a nap… they’ll be toddlers in no time.”

Tammuz: “Thanks for being here, Japhia. I didn’t even know how much I missed you.”

Nadii’ya: “Look at you! How did you fit inside me?! You look like a Linus. Your father missed the whole birth, so he doesn’t get a say. And I say, you look like a Linus. Hello, Linus, who’s the biggest baby to come out of the tiniest mommy? You are! Yes, you are!”

Noel: “Kimba! You’ve done it! You’ve birthed the most perfect bundle of perfection I’ve ever seen! Can I name her? Please, pretty please? I promise you’ll like what I pick!”

Kimba: “Ok, wha-”

Noel: “GAIA! The mother of the world!”

Kimba: “That’s a lot of pressure to put on one little baby, Noel. You sure?”

Noel: “Gaia! I can feel the Creator whispering it in my ear. Gaia, the first goddess. Gaia, the progenitor of the entire future. Gaia, the mother of all simulated life.“

Kimba; “Yeah, you’re right, that’s no pressure at all, love. I’m sure she’ll turn out just fine. Gaia it is, then.”

Saphir: “Tziviah, shhhhh shhh shhhh! Time for sleep, little doe! I’ll be right here next to you the whole time, and when the sun comes up, we’ll start your first day on this crazy plane of semi-existence! I have so many things I didn’t even know I wanted to teach you!”

Rubati: Literally WHAT have I gotten myself into??

#meraki tldr #back from hiatus

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caffeinated-mendes · 4 years

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amethyst - shawn mendes

word count: 1.3 k

synopsis: (intentionally written in lowercase) it’s the renaissance, and your father has sent you to the royal court of portugal to marry two of the king’s sons, and create a strong alliance between your nations. when you have the choice to marry the eldest, gabriel, who is a cruel heartthrob, or shawn, the kind and playful son, you feel a strange certainty about the boy you want.

a/n: i’ve had this little one-shot for a while, but i’ve decided to finish it today. sort of inspired by what i’ve been learning in history about the renaissance lol :) comments and likes are always appreciated!

warnings: none

*if you prefer, you can read this on ao3 instead of here

you paced the castle halls as your dress flowed along with you, your heels tapping on the stone floor quietly. your heart was racing, the castle’s noises unfamiliar, as you were a guest in this kingdom. your father sent to you to be married and make an alliance with the portuguese, a strong bond between your nations. however, you had two choices; to marry the quite frighteningly handsome eldest son of the king, gabriel, or the youngest, shawn. gabriel didn’t talk much to you, he stayed confined to his bedroom, a guard posted often to allow no visitors. every woman fawned over him, he had gorgeous green eyes and slicked back, dark hair. he acted like a true royal. and that is exactly why you didn’t like him. he was narcissistic, you had overheard conversations between him and his father, and he had spoken that he knew you would pick him over his wild younger brother.

gabriel was wrong. shawn sat next to you at every meal, would talk to you, play games with you in the courtyards, go on horseback riding to the shore where you would watch the sun set. he was quite literally your best friend. he had curly hair that couldn’t be tamed, one curl always in his face, a smile that lit up the room, eyes that were brown from far away, but when you looked closer, had flecks of green and amber, and most of all, he respected you. he saw you and himself as equals. the talk of the town was that you would pick gabriel, it was more admirable to marry the eldest son. the king didn’t mind you choosing differently, but you knew he had a preference.

clutching onto your necklace, you wanted to rip the pins from your hair, take off the heavy dress, and just feel at peace without all your physical restraints. pacing the halls brought worry to the servants, always asking, are you alright, my lady? do you need anything, my lady? you sometimes wished you were born a peasant, that way you didn’t have anyone doting on you constantly. earlier, you had left a letter to be delivered to shawn, saying that you needed to meet him in the east hallway. as you turned back around, you saw a flurry of dark hair, thinking at first it was shawn, but it was his brother, gabriel. he stopped at you, surprising yourself. “y/n, would you care to join me for tonight’s festivities? i would love to be your escort.”

“i’m sorry, gabriel, i don’t think i’ll go tonight.” you kept your gaze trained on him, but your breath ran from your lungs as his brow quirked.

“why, wouldn’t you want me to present you to everyone? show you off like the beautiful thing you are?” you recoiled in disgust as he said it. you were not a pretty necklace to be shown off, only something to look at. yes, the seventeenth century was not the time of a woman, but you did not accept being treated that way.

you cleared your throat, and clasped your hands in front of you, “as flattered as i am,” you choked, “i cannot attend tonight. i’m preoccupied.”

“that’s enough, gabriel,” said the warm, familiar voice from the hallway, “leave her alone. she doesn’t want to speak to your kind.” shawn grinned as he stood next to you, taking your hand and placing his lips on it.

gabriel’s glare was menacing towards shawn, “i am your elder brother, and you will listen to me-”

“i’d rather not.” before gabriel could decipher what shawn said, he took your hand and began to run, down, down, down the hall and out to the fields, where the horses grazed. “i’m sorry he said that to you,” shawn gasped as you ran, holding chunks of your green silk dress in your hands, wishing to wear pants. “you wanted to ride?” you confirmed his statement, and into the stables you went.

you laughed as you neared the horses, the summer day nearly fading as the sun neared the edge of the plains of grass and flowers of every color. the two of you were silent as you rode your horse, luna, yours a jet black color that you loved, and shawn rode a brown horse named artemis. following their familiar path, the two stallions neared the crashing waters, the cliff absorbing the orange light from the sunset. the two of you got off of their backs, and sat near the cliff’s edge. “shawn,” you said, looking at him, his white shirt flowing back from the wind.

“yes?” he looked at you as your hand neared his, feeling his fingers meeting yours, a warmth spreading throughout your body.

“i’ve been thinking about why my father sent me here.” you clutched your necklace with your other hand, watching his eyes meet yours, a stare so intense you felt your cheeks fire away. “he wanted me to make the right decision. something to bring my family honor, make sure i am pure and good and to sustain the alliance between our countries. and i know i was given an offer that not many future queens have. to choose between two people. find which one fit for me, and not be engaged to one boy since i was a child.” your hand left your necklace and began to touch the grass, a dew covering your palms.

“i understand,” shawn turned to you in the grass, your breathing, the wind, and the tiniest sounds of the horse hooves against the grass all that there was. “i can never know what it is like for you. women are given little choices, while men have free reign. and i want to be loyal and to protect someone for as long as i live. i know kings have mistresses, affairs, but i feel as though i could never do that to a woman. i never want to.” shawn chuckled, and reached his hand to your collarbone. you watched as his hand took the stone on your necklace, the lavender color of it shining in the sun. “amethyst. it is supposed to make someone pure, fend off evil and give protection.”

your hair flew behind you, tickling your back, a sparking sensation everywhere in your body. “i want you. i want to marry you.” you didn’t understand how you had the courage to say that and didn’t comprehend what you had said until a spark erupted in shawn’s eyes, the brown suddenly consuming you. and you blurted out the rest, “gabriel is cruel, and only thinks of himself. i want someone that is faithful, that i can learn from my mistakes with, and i think i have known it for a long time, but it was always you.” your hand reached out, out of the grass as you pulled his face toward yours, his lips latching to yours. they were soft, contrasting a burning sensation in your stomach as his hands found the roots of your hair, pulling out each pin carefully as you kissed him.

when you separated, your hair was free, long and flowing across your shoulders. everything seemed to fit together as he kissed you again, biting your bottom lip teasingly. pushing you onto the grass, flat on your back, he pushed a strand of hair behind your ear, then nipped at your earlobe, slowly kissing his way on your jaw down to your neck, leaving you breathing heavily.

the dull ache at the bottom of your stomach grew more intense by the second as you put your hands under his tunic, running them along his bare back. as the sun set, everything seemed to quiet, the sky peacefully showing a single ray of moonlight as the clouds shifted across the tiny sphere. just as the lights from the festivities began to show in the distance, you didn’t mind being late to them.

all that you could focus on was the rosy face of the boy you loved in front of you, and somehow, that brought you peace to imagine that this is what you’d have to look at, all yours for the rest of your life.

#shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes #shawn mendes x reader #renaissance #renaissance shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes oneshot #shawn mendes au #shawn mendes fan fic #caffeinated-mendes #shawn mendes story #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes stories #shawn mendes writing

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migleefulmoments · 4 years

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Abb/y has something to s/ay

Let me premise this by reminding everyone that Abby -like Trump-doesn’t “get” comedy. They literally do not understand jokes, punchlines, or humor. So a satirical show about the Hollywood song writers falls flat. Her time away did nothing to sway her conspiratorial aspirations or her misogynistic hatred of Mia. She watched Royalties not once, but twice... not to enjoy Darren’s creativity and performance, not to support the celebrity she stans, and not even to crack up at the humor, no she watched twice because she was looking for confirmation bias. She wanted to document all of the ways Darren wrote his CrissColfer truth into Pierce’s life and she obsessively listened to all of the diss-tracks he wrote to attack his wife.

Let me also premise this by saying I loved the show. I thought it was funny and the songs are so damn catchy. The lyrics are quintessential Darren- funny, very clever, and raunchy.

******************************************

R/oyalties, the Tale of Two Shows with a Heaping Side of Meta

ajw720. So I just finished watching R/oyalties for the second time, this time solely focused on the meta. Look, we all know, the show is not good, it was not well written and the short format didn’t help as there was no option to develop character or plot. But D knew it would not be good, he apologized for it back in January 2019. And I think the effort he put into acting was the effort it deserved. Ok.

But his songs were genius. As were the videos, hence why i call it the tale of two shows. It truly was like watching content made by completely different people. I concur with MH, D is “intensely talented.” And the part of this show he poured his blood, sweat, and tears into, the songs, are evident of this.

But this is a post about that Heaping Side of Meta. I think D, knowing that that show would not be made in the manner he envisioned, instead used it as a vehicle to make some bold statements and parallels with his career and public life. Shall we begin? And please, unlike the perfect song, this is not a perfect post and after the second round of watching i canceled my Quibi subscription and never plan to look back, so please feel free to add. I know some of these have been pointed out but I thought it was valuable to have one post.

One idea to inpsire the song? A tiny FROG on a dime.

D’s shirt 1st seen in Episode 2: “It is hard to soar like an Eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys”

And of course “Call me Goldilocks bitch” Remind you of something?

How about the entirety of Episode 3 when we are told that an artist is completely the product of the team. That no matter what the artists expresses they want, it doesn’t matter because the Label/manager/publicist/on camera agent/legal will always have a say. And how it will play in America or the Foreign market are key metrics of how the product is produced and presented. I love the line of the songwriter that tells P/ierce and S/ara to “get out while they are young.” Or the line by one of her team “we don’t want something different, we want something the same that is different.” And in the end P&S simply took one of KK old songs and reworked it, making something different that is not different and her team loved it.

And of course, the line that was an utter slap in the face to the most over praised “director” of an indie band video ever when D reminds her of the real director in his life, the man set to direct major motion pictures, “you know who would be perfect to direct? C/hris. C/hris would shatter this.”

Not much in Episode 4, but the gorilla suit in my opinion was mocking of a certain MMR video where we watched Swiller and a banana in a song about a gorilla. Images I never need to see in my head again.

Episode 5, a gem, I am still so fucking proud of D and how he mocked her throughout the entirety of the episode. New lines I love of that amazing song he wrote about her (in addition to those i posted previously here) “Some people say I’m a genius, which comes from the greek word for Latin, and other people will say, alright in fact i’m a fuckin’s genius” “I’m not saying I’m a god, but I’m not saying I’m not a god.” Mocking at its finest made all that much better by the band’s name “Switchback Jacket” that D describes as “butt rock emo” that is performed by a band that doesn’t actually sing, they are just the public image. He literally told us that what we see is an image created for the public and that it is completely fake. And he used his beard to make this statement. Just brilliant. I cannot praise him enough for this, stealing her moment in the sun and making her look like an utter fool, telling us just how narcissistic she is.

Also some wonderful lines from that episode that are beyond telling:

“Power, it felt good to remind Kevin that I hold power over him. You always want to be the one with power”

“p/ierce wouldn’t know where to take a shit if I didn’t tell him.”

“she is like my wife except we don’t have sex and we are friends.”

“alright boss, I am ready to record that song, but where should i take a shit?”

“You will do anything to succeed.”

Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years. 3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years. It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal. But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on:

And the cherry on top of this episode, the inclusion of C/huck (for some background, see my post here).

I really like the one bit of dialogue between P&S, where D pretty much tells us once again that M will use anyone to get what she wants:

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe just maybe, I don’t like where we are now? There were a lot of really great things about the way things were. Things that are worth preserving. Not that you just take and use and through out.”

Episode 9 had some really impactful lines:

“you think i wouldn’t steal for my career? You think I wouldn’t lie? I would do anything.”

The Neils being the nameless individuals, nothing more than a number, who are the ones who actually create the product. And then the song, some of the translations are D telling you how he feels, because sometimes i think in terms of his public image he is just a Neil trying to escape the cage that has been built around him:

“I dream about getting away, I have been locked up in this cage wishing i could make my escape. I hate that I need you.”

And finally Episode 10, where we learn the Neils get no credit and no royalties. This reminds me of a script C wrote that never saw the light of day but suddenly the next season of AHS had the same theme as his script.

And that is all i got, if you have more please add. I think the fact that D took what he knew would be a mediocre project and projected his voice and story throughout it was pretty genius and a smart way to utilize this vehicle, that was clearly payout for so many that have used him for years and to shine a bright light on the truth.

elicc The “perfect song”’s performer is called Bailey Rouge, a clear link to TLOS.

He is a genius.

ajw720 @elicc damn, that was on my list and I forgot. And we all know who Red is inspired by, so seems fitting Bailey Rouge would get the perfect song.

ajw720. Just adding one more I thought about putting in my original post but admittedly think it’s a stretch. But maybe not? Just adding here for fun.

When Theo tells P to bottle up all his romantic feelings I couldn’t help but think of a certain chapter in a book

*******************************************

Oy Vei! Abby didn’t use her time away getting any therapy or perspective. She hasn’t learned any lessons. I have no doubt she’s been reading just as much as she did before and she’s speaking to Cassie, Flowers et al all day. It’s really sad. It’s sad that she can’t see how silly she sounds, what an asshole her version of Darren is. If she could restrain herself even a little bit it might come off less unhinged because turning every single moment of Royalties into some crisscolfer wet dream reeks of desperation.

Abby hates Royalties. In last week’s “Dear D” she had the audacity to say

....Fans that are beyond devoted and mainly because of the way you have treated fans with respect and a level of caring that far surpasses the majority of public figures. And while I am not enjoying the show itself, the music shows how diverse you are as a writer and how you can virtually write for anyone or any genre. The songs are fantastic. ��Memorable. And really fun.

She knows the the Langs wrote the show and Darren wrote the songs but what she can’t seem to comprehend is that Darren IS Royalties. Everything in the show is Darren’s.

Staying in the closet would be less painful than trying to express oneself through a short-form satirical comedy. Can you imagine trying to express your devastation and pain through Kick Your Shoes off or Break It In?

“I’m the king of the hard fuck....pile drive the bed like a young buck...if you like feathery shit thats pretty cool but I don’t need that...people say I fuck too soft, saying that I can’t please a woman”

BTW Abby- “call me goldilocks bitch” isn’t a reference to TLOS it’s a reference to Goldilocks and Three Bears because because he fucks perfect, not too soft, not too hard. It’s much more believable that he is referring to a random nursery rhyme than it is to believe he is referring to a children’s book his lover/husband/boyfriend wrote 8 years ago. You might love the book but Chris has moved on and written new things.

Darren wrote funny lyrics. I loved Kick Your Shoes Off because it’s written by a man whose watched his wife and female friends wear painful shoes for the same of fashion even though its painful as fuck.

“Yeah, I’m a bad bitch so don’t be mad bitch. I turned the room into a catwalk like a sad bitch. I can’t feel my toes in these stilettos. when I walk out my roomate says you’ll regret those....Beauty is pain but oh I look amazing. You won’t hear me complaining but oh my instep (inside?) is screaming...kick your shoes off (kick em off) ooooooo I do what I want..(Kick em off) ooooo Hey I can’t walk in these, blisters start to bleed now both my feet are swollen. Kick your shoes off (Kick em off).....It’s like i feel so good when my shoes are on, but like i also feel sooooo good when they are off”

Abby’s convinced I am So Much Better Than You is straight up about Mia because Mia is in the video. She listened to it on repeat the day after it came out. In her “Letter to D” last week she said

Especially after you made an effort to mock her for the entirety of Tuesday when her episode aired (and for the record I am still really, really proud of what you did with that episode and how you handled the roll out, that is the fighter I admire and that inspires me. I listened to I am so much better than you on repeat on my drive home from work yesterday).

Good Lord The lyrics are as silly as all the other songs: “My mirror wants to bone me (but it can’t because it’s a mirror)” How did Abby miss the obvious TLOS mirror/ Halloween costume reference here?

“You keep doing push ups while I get buff eating mac and cheese (with overpriced lobster and truffles because I’m worth it)”

“Some people say I’m a genius (which comes from the greek work for latin) Some other people will say yeah I’m right I’m a fucking genius (I’m not saying I’m a god but I’m not saying I’m not a god).

“And even when you sneeze, God blesses me, he blesses me. And even when you sneeze, god blesses me, he blesses me, he blesses me”

“I’m am so much better than you at everything”.

She believes Darren would be- and stay- married to a women that he publicly ridicules and attacks. I don’t get why she thinks that is something admirable .

She thinks Also You is referring to Ben living with them. Where to start with this one? She says

“Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years. 3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years. It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal. But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on”

I’m gobsmacked. Also You is about Polyamory. She doesn’t even understand her own theories if she thinks that is the message Darren wants to share about Mia and Ben. In no world would someone try to proclaim their wife was cheating on them with a live-in houseguest by writing an episode called Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild. Also, someone needs to explain cuckholding to her because her theories about Ben and Mia make Darren a cuck.

OMG I just realized that Darren is a cuck and Royalties proves it. He hired Kether to be his costar in Royalties,...Kether is in You’re the Worst as Lindsay. Lindsay cuckholds her husband. Bam! mic drop.

Why isn’t Perfect Song about Mia, you know, if we are playing confirmation bias “No one is as good as you because you're my perfect song”

#CrissColfer #Darren Criss #Abby Speaks

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sanoiro · 4 years

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Lucifer Meta: Wings & Identity

~First of all long time no see. Yes, I was busy with work and uni this past year and also I didn't have the time nor the patience to be on two social media platforms at the same time. I apologise for that!

In this post, I’ll try to meta Lucifer and his wings on a different level which you will understand once you have read this post. The inspiration came when last night I re-watched 4x07 and the ending was short of a revelation for me in regards to Lucifer, how he perceived himself but also what he wanted to be.

In 4x07 as you remember Lucifer discovers that his once fluffy white wings now are monstrous, leathery bat wings and cannot comprehend why is that. He says

Lucifer: You have to help me, doctor. I don't want to be a monster. Linda: What's wrong? Lucifer: It's my wings. I hadn't checked them since my devil face returned. I was afraid they might have gone. I was afraid what that might mean. What that might say about me.

^If you had not noticed you can see that Ellis portrayed Lucifer crying in that scene. You can see the tear dropping from the tip of his nose.

Now as you remember in S3 we had a Lucifer who abhorred his wings but there was a mistake in comprehending what exactly he fought so hard against. It was not his wings it was the fact Lucifer felt he was manipulated and forced to be something. Up to that point, angelhood and devilhood had to do on which side of Dad’s grace an Angel was but that was disproven by the end of that season, therefore, the wings in S3 were something that held no physical hatred but an emotional one.

At 3x11, Lucifer comes to the self-realisation, which might be a wrong one, that in this city of Angels, he is not one anymore. He says to Amenadiel that he waited to be forgiven in Hell by Dad but now Lucifer decides to abandon that, I would say abandon that hope. In the end of 3x11, he has Maze cut his wings and at that moment he physically severies a bond while turning the manifesting an emotional pain, that of Dad’s rejection with a physical pain, that of self-harming himself to disassociate with Him.

In a sense cutting his wings in 3x11 like in the beginning of S3 is a bit like Lucifer trying to remove a common familial feature that associated him with his Father but when Amenadiel rejected him he abandoned all hope. It’s like cutting a mole or I would go further and say taking our your eyes because you inherited your father’s colouring and you simply cannot stand to see that every day.

So cutting the wings was painful but also a tantrum while Lucifer lost a foundation and started spiralling until Chloe came it his life. No, she didn’t make everything better but she gave him a path and that was a healing process. It’s also remarkable how Lucifer for five years he kept his wings safe in a container, and in 1x07 he tells his brother that:

Lucifer: To fool me into desiring the wings and the hellish throne they accompany. Well, do you know what? It almost bloody worked. A rip cord back to the life that dear old Dad chose for me. But I don't need it now, because, in case I haven't made myself abundantly clear, I'm never going back to Hell.

In the lines, Lucifer delivered above in S1 we often go back to how they were used for Hell’s depiction in S4 or how Lucifer didn’t want to go back but the one part we always leave out of our metas is the line: “fool me into desiring the wings”.

Why would Lucifer ever desire the wings? It was clear in S3 he hated them but again as I have explained before it was not the actual wings. He didn’t desire the wings per se and that ties with 3x11. In 3x11 Lucifer forces himself to stop considering himself as an Angel although he desperately wants to. Yet not in the sense, you may believe.

In 3x11, 1x07 and 4x07 we can see that the wings are a physical and emotional part of Lucifer that yet they also hold a connection to what he once was, an angel. In 4x06, Ella says that what they expect us to believe that the Devil went from an Angel to the epitome of Evil? At that point, Chloe correctly says that Ella is right, Lucifer is also an angel. Not was, is.

At this point let’s clear some confusion about the Angel part. When we are talking about Lucifer being an Angel it does not mean that he should be virtuous or replace the piano with a harp at LUX. It does not mean that Lucifer is subjected to a certain behaviour and nature due to his state of being, aka being an Angel because in all honesty he always was an Angel that never, ever changed.

Lucifer’s case is a bit like a person doing inhuman acts. Yet they stay human, they were born human and will die as a human. Acts good or bad do not move people up and down a scale of what a human is, because you cannot stop being a human but you can choose what kind of human you wish to become. A person who wants to protest against a policy is not a bad human or a bad citizen but has an opinion which he or she wishes to express and seeks the freedom to do so.

Now getting back to sociology and criminology, studies were focused on why poor or second-generation migrants are more likely to commit a crime and the answer after the 1980′s, the most popular one was social exclusion. Of course, you cannot pinpoint a whole field of study on just that but for this meta we will just have to in order to proceed.

Lucifer was thrown away from his home, he felt betrayed by his Father and Mother. He was socially excluded by his siblings in Heaven and Hell and so what was marched and presented as a freedom march ended up being criminalised to the point where when Lucifer looked back to himself he could only see that distorted image yet the wings remained white, fluffy, untouched by the grimness of what he believed he had become. A monster.

In S2 we see that Amenadiel lost his wings because he didn’t believe he was an Angel anymore. His actions that filled him guilt and doubt over his very nature didn’t make him a Devil but human. He lost his wings but at 3x17 he has accepted his mortality and regains his wings only when Charlotte dies and thus elevates himself on the fact that everyone is redeemable and is what you make of yourself not what Dad believes you deserve.

If that’s the case why Lucifer never lost his wings if he believed he was just a Devil? Again because he always saw himself as an Angel until s4 that is.

In 4x01 there is finally another key moment, another key line:

Lucifer: I've had literal aeons to come to terms with what you saw. My- My monstrous side. [SHUDDERS.] But it's not all that I am. At least I hope not. [SIGHS.] Either way, it's unfair of me to expect you to just accept it. I'm honestly not sure when I'll be able to. If ever.

This brings us back and forth in seasons and episodes. First that his Devil face is not a welcome feature but something he hides behind as we saw in a metaphor the writer room gave us in 4x09. It’s a mask that does not hide but projects his fears, his guilt and his despair towards mainly to himself...

Lucifer has not accepted what his physical Devil manifestation is and that’s clear in 4x01 as when he says, come in terms with it does not mean that he has accepted it but was dejected to it as we saw in 3x11.

Second, he insists it’s not all that he is. As we saw in his speech in 4x07 he does not consider himself a monster but it’s like a slide that takes him in places he cannot control and which we see more clearly in 4x09 but also in 4x10. At the end of 4x10, it’s not his rage that turns him into his Devil form if you like but his guilt in my opinion. People have died, demons roam the earth, his nephew was taken because of him and Chloe is attacked so he lashes out and like a child, he projects the impossible. He puffs out and makes himself loos threatening while he is scared and lost again.

Third, I would like to explore more the ‘when’ part. It shows that after billions of years Lucifer still considers himself an angel despite the monstrous side that takes over here and there. In his speech in 4x08 we have an example of what that feels like:

Lucifer: There is something rotten inside of me. I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me I am evil. I'm drowning, doctor! And I can't stop asking myself why do I hate myself so much?

The rotten and drowning part Lucifer expresses presents us with a visual where whatever bothers him, he feels it spreading, taking over contaminating him. Yet contaminating what? The angel he is? If an angel is a partly rotten will that spread and if it has is he still considered an angel or is it something entirely new? Something that needs and has been thrown away before it affects the rest?

With all that, we see that Lucifer has not accepted being the Devil as many perceive him to be and that in reality, the Devil, in this case, is not due to him being evil or making bad decisions and acts but because he is simply different. Obviously, I’m talking about the series.

The Devil in this series is just an Angel with a different opinion which was twisted. Perhaps that different opinion was expressed in a wrong way aka the Rebellion but that cannot birth evil as we know it. Furthermore, there is no scale to null good acts with bad acts and keep an equilibrium so all that, have him in a state of total confusion because what he believes he is deep down aka an angel does not correspond to what he does some times nor what an angel should be which brings him in a constant self-rejection as what he is cannot be comprehended and by many is not a state of existence.

Like in the case of Amenadiel or Remiel it was easier to believe that Lucifer’s nature had been corrupted entirely leaving nothing back to what he once was rather than recognise that people as Chloe said, constantly changing so there is no real medium to be reached aside from what is right and wrong and what you can do for that.

Finally, the cacophony of voices is not just in his head is every individual who has enforced their opinion on what Lucifer is now. To make it clearer just think of Amenadiel in 3x11.

Lucifer: Yes, of course, it'll work, Brother. That's why you asked me, remember? Someone crafty, smart- Amenadiel: And evil. [LAUGHS.] Lucifer: Evil? Amenadiel: Well, if you want to find a deplorable criminal, you just ask a well, you know what I mean, Luci. Come on. You are the Devil, after all

So what can we take from all of the above? That Lucifer is an angel, he wishes to be an angel just a different kind of one. He is confused between his duty and his punishment on what he should be and what he is and yet all comes down to one very simple thing. Lucifer is an angel and he wishes to be one but not under the terms that have been subjected to all his siblings and that unique blend of what he is was drawn out by Chloe. She was in a way the balancing ingredient for some reason which I very much hope to see it be explained in S5...

Perhaps just perhaps that was why he was also so hurt when she couldn’t accept his devil face as it would have been an affirmation that he still holds something angelic in him, worthy of her at that point.

Yes, Lucifer makes her step down from the pedestal he put her on in 4x08 but at that scene, he saw her perhaps as a divine touched person who could soothe him and say that despite his appearance and the past mistakes that face betrayed, he could still reconnect with the divine. When she doubted that we can see one very important concept Lucifer still has. A faulty one but still...

Like with Amenadiel and many of his siblings, there are no grey areas, no maybes. There is either white or black so no matter how much Lucifer wants to hold on, to the idea that he is an angel, always was, always will be despite what he has done he has not transformed to a monster, dissociated from his family and nature despite of his choices to not follow the family business, he fails to see that grey area. There are maybes. Feelings and truths still prevail within any mess and you can find a middle without tearing yourself apart as Linda very well noted in 4x06.

So that’s it I guess...

#lucifer meta #lucifer season 4 #lucifer season 3 #lucifer season 2 #lucifer season 1

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nenastrology · 4 years

Note

did you catch up to s2 of furuba? thoughts?

yes i did!! ok so my main thoughts are oh my god the ending episode was like sooo aggravating cuz its just frankly kind of stupid to end like wow huge shock akitos a woman when idk the entire context of why that even matters is how it informs her own abusive upbringing and volatile relationship with her mom like cutting that in half is sooooo stupid to me i was like furiously flipping thru the manga when that happened like oh my god they really ended it like that!!! Its just bizarre idk how u keep the emotional thru line for anime onlies like literally its one conversation and the beginning and end will be like 6 months apart lol if it had to end on that convo could it just have been the reveal of kurenos curse being broken that at least comes to a cathartic end with the whole like i cant fly anymore or whatever line... like much as i hate kureno its like its a good moment we can admit that much but ok ive been like following up with like very nice helpful guide on the fruits basket subreddit where they always pick out the shit missing from the manga or like reordering and my god the sheer lack of kyo in the second half of this season like its criminal what do you have against kyo i feel insane like the number of random cute kyo and tohru moments they just plucked out never to be seen again..... aaaah what is wrong with you i cannot comprehend why their minds are so tiny and full of hate for cats like ok ... its especially annoying cuz like my least favorite development in his character is gonna be coming in the next season so like okaaaay we dont get more breaks from that or whatever.. like ok i am being extremely negative but i think idk i guess there wasnt really anything i felt was done actually better than the manga this season whereas season 1 i had a lot of stuff i was like damn this is better and this is better so this feels like a bit of a let down like dont get me wrong i loved fruits basket mondays tbh very convenient to have my therapy and fruits basket on the same day like emotions are for mondays only and im very sad its gone like all of yukis whole development this season is like one of the best parts of fruits basket tho i kind of have some questions why they reordered stuff and smushed it together so some parts felt like one super long day... i wish that the parent teacher conference was as early as it is in the manga its like such an important turning point for yuki that he like finally confronts his mom in his own way and asks for a bit more freedom (getting a phone) and like idk that just feels like the place hes gotta be in to start opening up to the student council!! And i love how he finally sees ayame as a bit of an ally and they can see eye to eye for just one moment idk its just a really good part of yukis arc and i feel like the placement matters!! ok the funniest thing about the whole modern adaptation is how yuki looks like an elderly man with how little he seems to understand about technology its sooooo funny like ok make way for grandpa... also that they kept everyones confusion about video cameras and dvds from like 2003 and had them act like that today really got me giggling also we finally saw sorta cinderella truly i have been waiting like 9 years for this and finally finally.... ok this was long and all over the place but those are my thoughts also yukeru is real

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snkpolls · 5 years

Text

SnK Chapter 120 Poll Results

The chapter 120 poll closed with 1,375 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,314 Responses

This chapter is less popular than most, possibly due to its abrupt ending and feeling of incompletion. Still, 86.5% of the fandom rated it a four or five making it another solid contribution to the series as a whole.

PATHS are awesome, but I hope there's a satisfying narrative payoff to its inclusion

A lot of mixed opinions on this chapter from everybody, but I personally loved it. It went by fast but it's something you gotta read a few times just to get a good feel on it.

Best chapter since Attack on Liberio

I LOVED this chapter. Paths explained! Baby Eren! Little Mikasa! The OG Levi Squad! School caste Armin and Mikasa!!! I literally began to cackle when Eren straight up told Zeke his plan was stupid. I loved it, I've been waiting for that moment ever since ch114.

Character expressions were beautiful. Isayama's art keeps improving.

Easily one of my top 5 favorite chapters. The artwork was fantastic, the double crossings had me shook, & the Paths converging at the Coordinate is Yggdrasil. Love it!

Felt way too short and paths just got more confusing

I actually had to count the number of pages because I couldn't believe it was over yet. Seemed so short! But at the same time, many questions were answered.

Timeloop theory is out, multiverse theory is in! :)

This chapter was a gift from Isayama to all the Jaeger fans. Thanks Isayama.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 1,342 Responses

18% of the fandom was thrilled to see Eren reiterate his “born into this world” sentiment as he rejected Zeke’s ideology. 16% found themselves moved by Zeke hearing Grisha apologize to him in his dreamstate. 14.6% were excited to see Eren rejecting Zeke’s plan, and at a near-tie 9.9% most enjoyed Zeke pulling a double betrayal on Eren, while 9.8% loved the moment when Eren woke up to see the Coordinate in front of him.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ZEKE CATCHING EREN’S HEAD? 1,323 Responses

It was a meme, and now it’s canon. What did you all think of the resolution to last month’s cliffhanger? 42.2% felt it was a bit goofy but still worked, 29.5% thought it was amazing, 16.5% liked the moment but wish it had flowed better and not cut up over chapters, and only 7% thought it was absolutely ridiculous.

All those times playing catch with Mr Xaver really paid off!

It wasn't bad but just hilarious how memes have predicted it

I guessed it would happen after finishing reading chapter 119. In AoT nothing goes the way the characters want it, except for the Yeager bros.

I thought it was really heartbreaking and absolutely traumatizing.

I was very sad for Zeke at that moment, he seems in deep despair, there was no way to know that it would work to make Eren's survive. It was obviously more instinctive like Colt wanting to hug with his brother while he knows it will cause his death than reflexive

I totally called it and was thrilled it really happened

It was expected, but I believe we can't fully know how to feel because it's still a moment in development. I mean, it makes sense, it was the only move. We all saw it coming but it doesn't take anything from the awesomeness

Great payoff to Zeke's obsession with baseball

Eren could have given him a heads up... Zeke almost didn't catch him

WHICH ‘FROZEN IN AN INSTANT” MOMENT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED TO SEE PLAY OUT? 1,330 Responses

When the action returns to the battle, the majority of the fandom are eager to see “Armin and Mikasa vs. The Cart” (27.4%) and “The aftermath of Gabi’s shot” (26.7%) play out. On a more lighthearted note, was “that one bird” (3.7%) received more votes than “Niccolo and the Braus family” (1.6%).

WHICH TITAN MEMORY MOMENT WERE YOU MOST EXCITED TO SEE? 1,328 Responses

“Mikasa from chapter 1” was not only the largest memory shard, but also the moment we were most excited to see (24.3%). “Present day Historia” was our second choice (19.9%) and “The mysterious dark haired boy” was third (12.4%). At the other end of the spectrum, once again “those birds” rule, beating out “the horse” (0.4%), “the ocean” (0.8%), “that bowl of food” (0.2%), “the colossal titan peering over the wall” (1.1%) and “that one person in the bottom left (1.1%) Faye (0.6%), the blimp (0.1%), the basement key (0.4%), Jean’s horse face (0.9%) and even Hange (0.5%).

WHO IS THE BOY NEXT TO MIKASA IN THE MEMORY SHATTER? 1,303 Responses

“A child from the Mid East Alliance” has taken the majority (31.8%) with Rod Reiss and Tom Xaver following, each with about a quarter of the vote. Eren Kruger was fourth with 11.5%. We also had plenty of write ins.

A child from the Mid-East Alliance, as he's wearing a Fez. It's probably a memory from Lady Tybur's youth, as we know the Tybur Family had connections with nations all across the world.

All the memories here have been from either te Attack Titan or the Founding Titan. Thus I don’t think this is a boy from Warhammer Titan’s memories. Possibly it is Eren Kruger’s memories, in which case this cannot he Tom Xaver as it’s much too young for them to meet. Eren met Tom when Tom was a doctor and able to falsify his blood documents is he could join the Marley police. This is a new character.

At this point i really don't know it could be fucking king fritz himself isayama would probably do it

Eren's future son

Frieda’s brother

I think he's ms. Tybur's friend, eren's memories in here kinda mixed up so it makes sense he sees tybur's memories

It’s rod. You can tell by the vest he’s got on. But I do like the few people calling him the Arumika lovechild.

Probably Eren Kruger's friend / brother / child idk, or a future character that we don't know yet.

Someone from Ymir Fritz's time

The child from the last рanel

DID YOU LIKE THE INCLUSION OF CASTE ON TITAN CHARACTERS IN THE SPREAD PAGE? 1,249 Responses

Let’s be real… The manga has had a depressing tone for quite a while now, and some humor (assuming that’s what this was!) is probably good for us. 72% of poll respondents agree with this notion, and loved the inclusion of Armin and Mikasa from the high school AU. 18.3% weren’t quite so keen to see this easter egg, however.

I knew Isayama said something along the lines of incorporating this AU in the canon so it was nice to see that. Whether he plans to make a reincarnation AU out of this or just an easter egg is up to him.

I think it's cute. It's small and out of the way so it's not like it's disturbing the story.

Idk I'm confused. Isayama really likes to play with us

If you mean Nerd!Armin and Goth!Mikasa, yes I did like it. Could you PLEASE call it Highschool AU or similar, I spent like five minutes trying to understand what 'Caste on Titan' meant!

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE BEST IN-STORY EXPLANATION IS FOR CASTE ON TITAN BEING INCLUDED? 1,266 Responses

Well over half of the fandom agree that the inclusion of Caste on Titan (AKA the high school AU fake previews) in the memory shatter was merely an easter egg for the fans to enjoy, rather than Isayama canonizing anything. 20.9% feel differently, feeling that Isayama has canonized Caste on Titan as an alternate universe. 10.7% feel that it is a possible future or reincarnation.

Above Ymir Fritz, in a dimension higher than PATHS, lies the one true God and Creator Isayama-sama, who casually screws His people's minds on a monthly basis with images like these.

It is the actual reality

Canon?? FUTURE?? WHO?? WHAT??

Reincarnation AU is canon, baby

I have never heard of Caste on Titan.

Really it's probably just an easter egg, but it also kind of canonizes AUs which is fine by me.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE LOOK AT THE PATHS DIMENSION IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,331 Responses

What did the fandom think of a whole chapter focused on paths? 80.2% loved the deep dive into them, 15.3% liked the information but don’t love paths as a story mechanic, and 2.1% dislike paths immensely and just want to go back to the battle.

Being someone who loves time-travelling stuff, I'm intrigued. I see a lot of theories around and the loop seems a little weird to me. I believe Isayama has a great, unique concept and I'm excited to fully comprehend it.

Enjoyed it a fair bit, but we need to know more! Especially about how this dimension came to be in the first place.

I can't wait to see this in the anime!

I sort of wish it was more alluded to and not shown too much

I wish isayama was good enough a writer so that he wouldnt have to rely on this bullshit for long-term, grand-scheme storytelling

It's awesome, we need a break from battle, right? I can't wait it'll be animated beautifully just like Ymir one back in the season 2

The most fascinating aspect of the story by far. I just want every single one of their mysteries to be revealed.

I really want to know more about the PATHS. But not from Zeke. I think he is definitely lying about some things here. And I loved that double betrayal.

I didn’t know what the heck was going on

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE COORDINATE AS SHOWN IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,321 Responses

A part of the in-depth look at paths this chapter was a visualization of the coordinate itself. Just over half of the fandom are excited that the theories of Norse Mythology influences might have paid off with the coordinate appearing similar to the mythological tree Yggdrasil. 18.2% of you are unsure what Yggdrasil is and how it relates to the story, 16.5% think the coordinate is supposed to look like a tree but Yggdrasil isn’t a direct influence, and 13.1% think it’s just a beam of light that branches off.

I just thought back to most of the depictions in books of Ymir and the Devil. A good number of them had an object behind Ymir, that being a tree. Coincidence? I think not!

It really does have Yggdrasil vibes, and sorta looks like a tree branching off, but for now I can’t quite put it anywhere. Looks dope though.

It symbolizes a tree, and I hope it in turn connects to the tree Eren sat against in Chapter 1

Yes! more norse mythology references! Yggdrasil baby!

I loved how the trails in the path sky were the expanding branches of the Yggdrasil tree from SnK. Different space, different rules of time and matter...

It's shiny, glowy and pretty, and gives rise to loads of amazing fan colorings. Seriously, that full-page panel with Eren standing in front on it is a work of art.

It's the Tree of Life, Yggdrasil but also the Sephirot, among others. Norse Mythology confirmed with the name Ymir, the Norse proto-giant whose body was used to create the nine realms.

Maybe it's Yggdrasil, maybe not. I like the symbolism, but I can't confirm it actually is Yggdrasil.

Tree of life, much original, v cultured

PATHS converging as ROOTS.

BETRAYAL! WHAT DID YOU THINK OF EREN TURNING ON ZEKE? 1,331 Responses

Who doesn’t love a predictable but good betrayal? 70.5% of respondents were more than happy to see that Eren didn’t agree with Zeke’s ideals, even going so far as to support the demeanor in which Eren delivered the blow. 20.9% are happy he doesn’t agree with Zeke, but feel he could have gone a little easier on him. A small percentage feel he should have sided with Zeke…

Expected but still immensely satisfying. Kinda felt a little bummed for Zeke getting rejected like that.

I loved the twist which was made even better with a double-twist!

Assuming Eren wants to go through with the Rumbling, then both plans are crazy

Eren revealed his cards too early. Although, I can see Eren making that mistake.

It was what I'd hoped would happen eventually, however, it's still another example of Eren doing whatever the fuck he wants without consulting his plans with anyone and hurting people as a consequence

Harsh, but Zeke had it coming and it felt kind of great on an emotional level in terms of a true loss to Zeke, who has done some pretty shitty stuff.

Eren’s plan is stupid, you could’ve told Armin and Mikasa about this but nooooo you gotta be an ass.

I knew Eren wouldn't go through with Zeke's plan. But Zeke also deserves to see the errors in his plans, that he has no right to euthanise his fellow Eldians!

I'm not surprised about Eren's betrayel, it was obvious from the start that he would never agree with Zeke's ideology. But currently I feel very bad for Zeke. For first his parents only want to used him for their plans, because of his royal blood and Eren only used him for the same thing. Poor Zeke ;___;

Zeke had a lot of time the overthink everything that has happened in the timeless paths realm. Even if Zeke did not realize before, he definitely thought about the betrayal during said time.

DO YOU THINK ZEKE IS CORRECT THAT THE GIRL IN THE PATHS DIMENSION IS OG YMIR? 1,331 Responses

Zeke assumes, along with 76.5% of readers that the girl we see roaming paths is Ymir Fritz. However, 19.5% of readers disagree with Zeke on this one.

I was but, after reading a theory posted days after the release, it makes sense that she's actually the OG Christa.

I think it’s Ymir, I don’t think ymir is who they think she is

I think she is indeed Ymir... But could also be the Earth devil.

Hearing all these theories about Eren asking Zeke how he could know, and Zeke just responding with (while logical) a not for sure answer makes me mixed

It seems wierd to me that the Founder has no will or personality of her own, it seems to me that shouldn't be the case, but well... I was hoping she would have some more additions to the story of the titans but she seems like a walking corpse

It's the most likely answer, but the fact he's just assuming makes me not want to claim for sure. Yams likes to seize on assumptions.

Kind of, it's the person they call Ymir but it's really the character of Christa

No. At least not fully, many characters have claimed what happened in the past, but none of them have been entirely right. I don't see why I should see Zeke as entirely correct either.

An empty shell of ymir caused by King Fritz messing with the cordinate

I think Zeke, Eren, Historia and this girl (I think it's Eren's daughter) are all Ymir.

WHY DID YMIR PASS BY EREN? 1,328 Responses

Over half of the fandom (57.7%) agree with Zeke’s theory on this one - Ymir gave Eren the brush off because the Founding Titan is basically a pawn of the royal family. 28.1% are suspicious and believe that she’s got other plans we’ve yet to be clued in on.

Nepotism over cronyism, I guess

She's being controlled by Zeke due to his royal blood so she probably got no choice. Maybe if she gets released she'll cooperate with Eren

The grown woman-child doesn't like boring edgy teens, maybe?

In his time in the paths, Zeke gained enough control over them to make since illusions for eren. This chick is just as illusory as his chains. Zeke is using her to manipulate Eren because he needs Eren to control the founder.

Zeke is technically alive. Eren isn’t. She’s going for the living shifter.

Eren is too hot for her, she can't handle the Yeager

That’s not not Ymir.

She really dosnt have a free will and is being controlled by an even higher power

Zeke has created those chains and that girl to trick Eren

Ymir herself is a slave to the royal family. The royal blood in Zeke calls out to her.

WHAT MEMORY OF GRISHA’S DID YOU ENJOY THE MOST? 1,335 Responses

With lots of heartwarming moments to choose from this chapter, 32.7% most enjoyed seeing Grisha turn away from the Reiss chapel and choosing instead to focus on being a good husband and father to his family. 28.8% enjoyed seeing how Grisha spent his time in the basement and the possibility of him seeing Zeke from the future. 19.7% got the dokis over seeing Grisha be there for Eren’s baby milestones.

Loved baby Eren and it was really nice seeing Grisha so caring for his family (I missed Carla too, so good to see her again)

Baby Eren is the cutest baby in the whole universe and if you disagree you need glasses

IN LIGHT OF THIS CHAPTER, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GRISHA NOW? 1,330 Responses

Nearly half of the fandom (47.2%) admire Grisha’s ability to change and work to become a better father and husband after learning from his mistakes. 21.1% are glad that he was much better with Eren, but still can’t look past the way he treated Zeke as a child. 19.3% have always had faith in Grisha and enjoyed his character.

One of the reasons why SnK is as good as it is. The way goodness and horribleness exists within him at the same time, the way it makes him so imperfect, so deplorable, so sympathetic and so human, it's a testament to how well he is written. I love him. I love him so much.

I didn't like him before, but now I have a little more sympathy. I felt like crying when he was dreaming about Zeke and wanted to see him badly. I hope they will have a chance to talk in paths.

I'm amazed by the forgiveness other readers are giving him. It's as if they're ignoring what he actually believed and did. I don't believe many people are beyond redemption, and the fact that Grisha managed to get caught before he could actually murder anyone works in his favour, but I hold him to the exact same standard I would any real person who tried to bring back a regime he himself believed was exceptionally violent and bloodthirsty (before the Owl delivered the 'nice' history of Eldia). Overall he *could* be forgiven, but so far...holding your cute chubby son and choosing not to commit your original sin *again* is not it.

No matter how much he learned from Zeke he still cursed them both with 13 years at the end, so it doesn't really make a difference for me.

For the longest time I didn't know how to feel about him but this chapter cleared up a lot of things and I absolutely love him now

While he ultimately failed at parenting twice, it is good to see he learned from some of his mistakes and that his actions here reflected that. In the end, he still went for the royal family before the breach of the Wall and treated Eren to the serum instead of spending his time looking for a better, less 'child' host for his titan.

DID BABY EREN SEE OLDER EREN AND ZEKE? 1,335 Responses

While it may not impact the story, the vast majority of the fandom (70.9%) feel confident that baby Eren was able to see his future self. Only 2.8% selected “No” for this question.

DID GRISHA SEE ZEKE AT THE END? 1,333 Responses

We don’t really know how it happened, but it sure does seem like Grisha saw Zeke at the end of the chapter when he noted his aged appearance. 79.1% agree that this appears to be the case. 2.7% disagree, chalking this up to nothing more than a coincidence. Eren and/or Zeke being able to interact with the past in any way has some striking implications, so hopefully we get some answers soon!

WILL ZEKE CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT GRISHA? 1,333 Responses

46.3% of respondents feel that the narrative is pushing Zeke to forgive his father and let go of what happened in the past. 38.6% see the potential for him to forgive Grisha, but don’t want to say with confidence that he definitely will. 11.5% believe that there is nothing that will ever cause Zeke to forgive his father.

At his core, Zeke wants his father to love him and treat him as a son instead of a tool. Knowing that Grisha still thinks of him and feels guilty about the way he raised him must have stirred something in him.

Partially. Yes, Grisha grew from that. But it just meant that Eren got the childhood he wishes he had and that in his eyes Eren got preferential treatment.

If anything I think he's mostly going to be jealous of Eren and regrets not being born at the right time. That being said they haven't reached the memory where Grisha passed his titan to Eren.

Might lean more towards him not changing because of his very single-minded way of looking at things. Maybe a smaller chance, don't know how I'd feel about it, though in terms of storytelling.

I hope. I am so ready for a Zeke redemption to take place even if the chances of it happening are low. I want to see the Yeagerbros working together.

I don't think so. If Eren shows him the next memory in which Grisha gave his titan powers to Eren and forced him to end his mission by going to the cellar and learning to control that power, Zeke would think that he was right about his father that he brainwashed him. Maybe Grisha was a good father in Eren's younger years but at the end he shouldered his burden to his second son and gave Eren a new reason to continue the cycle of hatred, to avenge his mother. I don't think that Zeke will change his mind so easily...I have the feeling that Eren has to convince his Brother otherwise, but I could be wrong.

While his opinion about Grisha May change slightly, that won’t change his opinion about euthanasia.

I love how that in the midst of all the plot development and the PATHS, it still boils down to the characters and their relationships in the end. The Zeke/Grisha parts make this chapter, imo. The boy who wants so much to be loved by his father, who vilifies his father as some sort of coping mechanism, realizing that his father loves him, misses him and regrets the way he treated him, realizing his father is only human... it never fails to tug at my heartstrings. I can't wait to see where Zeke will go from here.

WILL ZEKE’S MIND BE CHANGED ABOUT WHAT THEY SHOULD DO WITH THE FOUNDING POWER? 1,329 Responses

As we step away from the action-centric battle, we move into a battle of philosophies, outlooks, and plans. Zeke has attempted to sway Eren, but will Eren be able to convince Zeke to change his mind about what to do with the power they now possess? 38.8% think he will in fact be able to do just that; and only at about 1% behind, 37.9% don’t know what the outcome will be, and 20.3% don’t think Zeke’s plan will change.

Zeke's mind is already made up. What may change is his motivation. He just may lose all will to execute his plan and let Eren do his thing.

His euthanasia plan is instilled into him primarily by Xaver, his father-figure, someone whom he holds very much in high esteem. So if Zeke should change his mind about that plan, it has to be through changing his current opinion on Xaver.

It will seem he agrees with Eren. And then, out of rage and despair of his ideals being broken and Eren getting the life he wishes he always had, he'll cause the Rumbling to lash out at the world for how cruel it was to him.

No, he's far too stubborn for that. But he still needs to return the powers of the Founder to Eren somehow. So I can see him being cornered in a way that makes him realize there's no happy ending.

Probably, but it shouldn't be because of some Grisha shit, it should be because Eren has a better plan

Yes but he‘s still an ass who had fun in killing. Maybe he‘ll redeem himself by showing remorse but whatever, he just rubs me the wrong way.

I sure hope so, because eugenics really doesn't make sense even if you support the reasoning. If it can be done by a royal titan then it can be undone, and they're literally planning to keep a pack of royals as spares.

I hope so, because I really want to see the brothers work together. Zeke has done a lot of terrible thing (including what he did to poor Levi) but I want to see his redemption arc

I think that Zeke will come to the realization that he is doing to same thing to Ymir as Grisha has done to him.

WHAT DOES EREN WANT TO SHOW ZEKE? 1,324 Responses

This chapter ended abruptly with Eren about to lead Zeke into “The next memory.” But what could that be? 36.3% think he’s going to show Zeke scenes from his own life, 32.1% believe there will be an even deeper dive into Grisha’s past, 19.7% think it will involve Tom Xaver, and 8.6% think Eren Kruger will get more time to shine.

A mix of all of them: More of Grisha's memories up to his death, his own life and experiences (Attack on Titan greatest hits coming for the 10th anniversary chapter), and then finish off with some Xaver reveals if he indeed worked with Kruger.

Bit of Kruger's, Eren's memories, and little bit of Grisha's. Maybe Ymir's or Karl Fritz

Definitely something involving Xaver, probably him in cahoots with Kruger to fool Zeke.

Don't feel like he wants to show Zeke something, just telling Zeke to move it along

His true motives and what lead him down the path he’s been taking since chapter 91

That one exchange between Grisha and Frieda in the cave we still didn't get to see when Eren kissed Historia's hand.

The memory where Grisha turns Eren into a mindless with added dialogue to hit us all in the feels.

Warhammer memories

I hope it could be something around Kruger and Xaver, and finally enlightening Zeke view of his "dad" and their plan. From here they could move around some really interesting scenarios, there are so many possibilities and I AM HERE FOR IT! ("If you want to save Mikasa and Armin..." quote for example idk).

Fall of wall Maria, Dina eating Carla

Some hype ass shit.

WILL EREN BE DEAD AFTER THE INSTANT IS OVER? 1,327 Responses

The majority (77.8%) are confident that Eren will find a way to make it out of the paths dimension alive, while 11.5% are much less optimistic about Eren’s fate. A smaller percentage believe that he’s already dead without any chance of coming back.

I have this weird theory: since a shifter's consciousness can be transferred into the spine or in the Paths dimension in some capacity, what if the consciousnesses of two shifters can be "exchanged" in the Paths dimension? Zeke may end up dying (willingly or not) while Eren lives.

I don't know. I think he'll either come back alive, or find a way to communicate with at least Mikasa and/or Armin before he dies.

Zeke promised that he will never abandon his little brother. Even if their ways differ in the end and Zeke’s mind isn’t changed, I don’t think he would leave his brother to die. He has already stated that he will command Ymir to reconstruct Eren’s body. No way he would treat Eren like that

No. Eren recovered in paths just like Zeke did so there's no reason for him to be dead

It would be a fresh plot twist and I would like him to stay dead because of it but I doubt Isayama has courage to do it.

i think it would be weird for eren to die right now, especially before seeing Armin & Mikasa again

DO YOU THINK ZEKE WILL COME OUT OF THE PATHS DIMENSION ALIVE? 1,328 Responses

Zeke was in pretty good shape when he went into the PATHS dimension, so it only makes sense he would make it out alive - or at least that’s what most of us (81.9%) think! A minority (18.5%) think (or hope?) he will not be so lucky.

WHAT ARE YOU HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,339 Responses

More than half the fandom wants chapter 121 to be the continuation of A Zekemas Carol. 18.9% would rather take a break from the PATHS dimension to see what’s happening with Levi and Hange.

Been wanting to see Annie, Levi, Historia for many chapters. Now just want these amazing memories to continue! This part of the story is incredibly powerful.

I know this paths fuckery will continue for another chapter or two but after that yams pls gib annie i beg

A moment of silence for the amount of hope I had to see Hanji and Levi, if you will. It will be missed.

All I'm asking for is one panel with Levi and Hange... Is that too much?

Annie in paths Annie in paths Annie in paths Annie in-

Eren in the next chapter is going to open a door from Eren Krugers past showing interactions with Tom Xaver

Heh, as much as I want to see Hanji & Levi, I'm 99% certain we're staying in PATHS zone :)

I feel bad that I didn’t choose Annie for any of these answers, but this moment in the story is literally the only thing I’ve wanted to see for years

I just want to know Levi is alive

I want to know who Ymir really is and what her motivation is! I want to see the story through her eyes!

I don't care about Zeke. Please show me the Present Day Historia memory. I beg you OG Ymir. Amen.

whatever it is im gonna pee myself regardless

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,263 Responses

While Reddit and Tumblr continue to make up the majority of our respondents, the Attack on Titan fandom is everywhere. Wherever you choose to discuss the series, we appreciate your support of the chapter poll!

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER?

"Where's the rest of it?" - Zuko

I liked Eren's "surprised Pikachu" face when Zeke broke the chains.

Great fucking chapter, Eren and Zeke are a riot as a brothers duo.

Why is Grisha so attractive

Boy am I glad Xaver trained Zeke in baseball instead of football.

Grisha Redemption Arc, let's go!

a chapter without reiner is automatically a bad chapter

At the beginning I thought it’d end up being boring but the ending showed me otherwise. Attack on titan never disappoints

Awesome, beyond my expectation. We get more info about PATHS and yeager moments that i nearly don't care about others lol. The cliffhanger is more painful than previous chapter tho

Chapter in a nutshell: "I have more resolve!" "No, just kidding. By doing this I have MORE resolve!" "Well guess what? I have a piano. End of discussion, I have the most resolve."

I kind of dislike the whole concept of the Paths. I really dislike the "enslaved little girl builds Titans out of sand" angle when there was so much potential for a science fantasy explanation instead. At least Eren's acting like Eren again, that's all I'm asking of this manga at this point.

How did Ymir have three daughters when she looks 13 years old and presumably died 13 years old?

I put a 2/5 due to how empty and anticlimatic this chapter was. I'm more than okay to explore the pathverse but I didn't expect 10 pages of filler and recollection, 10 pages where the brotherly betrayal gets quickly resolved with both Eren and Zeke's emotions being turned down (Zeke just told Eren he had no freedom in his decisions ffs) and the rest being Daddy Issues TM.

Dope. Loved it. Answered so many questions. So, the PATHS meme is a little less true now. It'll probably become even less so with the next chapter and so on.

Eren and Zeke this chapter were basically that one spiderman meme you know the one.

Glad the memory manipulation theory was wrong, didn't expect this walk through memory lane however. I'm excited to see if and how Zeke's outlook on his father and whole ideology will change.

Eren out here playing 5D chess against Zeke when he was playing 4D chess and thinking Eren was playing 3D chess. Eren a legend

Eren’s sarcastic attempt at convincing Zeke was a welcome reprieve from the “excuse-me-what” nature of this chapter

Every time Eren appears in a panel I stare in awe at how beautiful he is. Shaven face + Hobo hair = Peak Eren.

I love how abrupt the ending is, specially if Isayama's going for what I'm thinking. I suspect chapters 120, 121, and 122 will all feel connected as one single big chapter, with action outside paths only unfreezing at the end of 122. The main issue is how some parts of this chapter feel like stalling for the inevitable anniversary chapter next month, but I believe it's gonna pay off.

I was laughing like a maniac by the end of the chapter. Eren is truly an incredible little sh*t, and I'm super excited to learn more about his actual motivations. Interestingly enough, Zeke won't shut up about Grisha the father, and seems to have conveniently forgotten (which I did as well) that one of Eren's biggest motivations in his life has come from his mother, who told Shadis all those years ago that Eren was special BECAUSE "he was born into this world". As much as I reeeeeeally wanna see an update on Levi and Hanji (IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS, ISAYAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US), this walk down memory lane is turning out to be the most entertaining part of the arc so far

I'm SO HAPPY to see Eren talking again and to see that fiery determination and his snarky attitude! Go Eren!

Just . . . I'm really tired. Now Grisha's father of the year all of sudden. I'm still waiting for Eren to like, suffer real consequences for his war crimes and his shitty treatment of his "friends." And Annie is probably never going to be relevant, Historia is going to stay stuck in her chair. Like, the whole point of this series was that it's hard to tell what the truth is, right? And now there's MAGIC and Eren can literally take Zeke into his memories to show Zeke EXACTLY what happened with Grisha as if that's the real truth? Isayama's gone soft or given up, I dunno. I'm just tired.

Anyone else expect Isayama to just carry on with these flashbacks for four chapters just like the basement.

This chapter hurt me. In fact, this whole arc has. I think the point where I started being really confused was when Zeke got resurrected. I get the point of it. You wanna show what PATHS is? Ok. You wanna show how titans are built! Sure! You wanna explain that this is a pocket dimension and time moves by super slow? Perfect. You wanna show the person making the titans? Cool. But the mechanics with the royal family are so inconsistent. IF ZEKE CAN BREAK THE WILL, WHY CAN’T FRIEDA OR URI OR LITERALLY ANYBODY. Is it because he isn’t the direct founding Titan? Is he bluffing?? I don’t know. I want Armin and Mikasa please.

One redemption for the monky boi, please.

So Eren did all he did, sacrificed so many lives, hurt his friends etc. just because he only hoped he’ll be able to use the Coordinate? Seriously that was his plan? Give me a break please. I’m very disappointed Erwin was not there in the ‘important moments’ page - he was one of Eren’s childhood heroes after all and the person without whom Eren would’ve never gotten this far.

#snk spoilers #snk poll #snk polls #poll results

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