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whinlatter · 3 months

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The broken family bond between Harry and Petunia!

wow while usher was dancing his socks off at half-time you were thinking about petunia dursley née evans' malicious treatment of everyone's favourite grouchy knobbly-kneed jock... what does this say about you anon? look inwards

i feel terrible that i do not have too many thoughts about the broken family bond between harry and petunia but i DO have thoughts about what harry represents as a challenge to the nuclear family unit and its associated class connotations that petunia cares so much about. one thing i have been thinking A Lot about recently is petunia's description of snape as 'that awful boy' in ootp (which ofc, at the time, harry thinks is a reference to james), and how petunia's ideas about class and social mobility colour her view of wizards and, by extension, her resentment and contempt for harry. sooo i have talked about that instead......... ctrl + f neoliberal renders 2 results below i'm so sorry

when we meet petunia in the canon timeline, she's a parody of a tory home counties suburban housewife, striving middle class in the very thatcherite neoliberal sense, all about the house prices and the pension pot, with her perfectly maintained peach home decor and pristine garden, with a husband who has made his money through a managerial position in industrial manufacturing, who sends her son to private school and monitors the material wealth of her neighbours and associates very acutely. we know that young petunia wanted to join wizarding society and was rejected by it, and we know that adult petunia now holds wizarding world and its culture in open contempt. we particularly know that petunia hated snape, and that, other than lily, snape was the first wizard she ever really met. to young petunia's eyes, snape had all the visible markers of poverty and of being working class ("They live down Spinner’s End by the river," she told Lily, and it was evident from her tone that she considered the address a poor recommendation.') nevertheless, by virtue of being a wizard, this shabby poor-looking boy was elevated above petunia as something particularly special, and sneered at petunia as lesser than him as a result. i think this is interesting, because i think young petunia processes her rejection from magic by starting to think of magic and wizarding culture as a perverse subversion of the class system she knows and believes in, where a visibly working class person can somehow be special and worthy. (we can speculate what she would make of james potter as her son-in-law - james, while obviously wealthy, is old money posh coded - he doesn't work for a living! - aka not at all invested in the hard-work discourse, keeping-up-with-appearances that the new money suburban types that petunia strives for).

why does this matter? i just think it's very striking that petunia's complaints about harry are so often expressed less in terms of the danger of his magic, than his threat to external perceptions of her and her family, and, especially, as a challenge to their class position

petunia makes critiques of harry's messy appearance, his misbehaviour at primary school (caused by his magic), his association with the criminal (sirius black) and the shabby (the weasleys), and his refusal to respect or show any deference to vernon and the family despite their great attempts to maintain the trappings of respectability. the particular horror of harry's presence in the dursleys' life, in petunia's mind, is that his existence makes her family an alternative blended family, which compromises all that petunia holds dear in terms of the trappings of middle class respectability that puts a great deal of social capital on the nuclear family unit and no deviation from it. i don't mean to suggest petunia only perceives magic as a class threat, or that she doesn't fear harry's magic as something dangerous. her response to dudley's dementor run-in proves how much she fears what magic can do (and, ofc, she knows what happened to lily). but what's striking in DH is that petunia is still umming and ahhing, as vernon is, about whether to go into hiding. unlike movie!petunia in that deleted scene, book!petunia still isn't convinced about 'what these people are capable of'. for this reason, i think petunia has come to think of wizarding culture in terms of a fundamental challenge to the class system she understands and upholds, and to the primacy of middle class new money neoliberal suburban identity that is petunia's entire worldview. and that's really the source of her beef with harry: not his threat to her safety, but to her class identity, which is adult petunia's whole world.

#petunia’s favourite usher song is love in this club #meta #the dursleys #petunia dursley #banging on about class again i am SO sorry

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straightouttheslendermansionn · 10 months

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𝙱𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚌 𝙲𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚢𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚊 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝙿𝚃. 1

𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓(s): Jeff The Killer, Homicidal Liu/Sully, Jane Richardson, Nina The Killer, Clockwork

𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈: Tbh there aren't many mentions of anything happening, but here's a warning for very brief mentions of human experimentation and demonic presences.

These are all HEADCANON and I do not intend for any of these interpretations to be entirely canon. These are how I see the characters and some rules of the world.

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚕 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚙𝚝𝚜

Aging in my Creepypasta universe works like this– unless you don’t completely have a physical form and died early, your body can only age until 25 years old. This is in place to make sure that the body is useful enough but also so that it’s easier for the pastas to get around. For those over this age, they stay at the age they currently are.

The mysterious haunted woods and the Slendermansion therein exist, but not many actually reside there permanently. If the pasta needs technology, is a proxy of Slender, or is willing to meet the requirements to stay, mainly being serving Slender, then they reside there. Other pastas visit but they either live in their own settlements in the woods, or they look and behave in a certain way that allows them to live among society.

Anybody listed as “Nonconforming Humanoid Entity” in regards to species just means that either they are/were human and we don’t know what they are or that they were never human and… we still don’t know what they are.

Slender isn’t fatherly to anyone that he doesn’t need to be and is not afraid to take away privileges he has given the people who live under him. He is manipulative and crueler than hell itself.

Creepypasta fans do exist in this universe. They can see you. :)

𝙹𝚎𝚏𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙺𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛

Name: Jeffrey Allen Woods ("Allen", not "Alan") Age: He was 15 at the time of the original incident, but is about 18-19 Species: Nonconforming Humanoid Entity (Because he was human but sure as shit isn't now) Sex/Gender: Cis Male Sexuality: Aromantic-Heterosexual Race/Ethnicity: European-American Nationality: American, from a small town in Alabama Religious Alignment: Atheist, family used to be Roman Catholic Body Build: William Afton from "Silver Eyes" type beat (Jeff doesn't have a strong-looking body and I'm sick of us thinking he does) Features: (often tangled/super messy) ivory, shoulder length hair, leathery skin bleached white with some more severe visible burn scars throughout his body (including part of his head), skin is also scarred by the various lacerations he has obtained, dark circles and no eyelids, icy blue (almost white looking) eyes, the infamous cut smile (that never heals because he constantly strains it) Aesthetic: Pretty much just grunge style for this guy

𝙷𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚊𝚕 𝙻𝚒𝚞/𝚂𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚢

Name: Liu Vicki Woods Age: He was 17 at the time of the original incident, but is about 20-21 Species: Human (Liu) + Inner Demon (Sully) Sex/Gender: Cis Male Sexuality: Demisexual-Heterosexual (Sully less than happily abides by his demisexuality) Race/Ethnicity: European-American Nationality: American, from a small town in Alabama Religious Alignment: Roman Catholic (Semi-Practicing) Body Build: Looks lanky or barely built from afar and isn't jacked, but he has some muscle Features: Liu got the pretty genes, I'll start with that. Slightly tanned ivory skin, Fluffy brown hair on the shorter side, 47 stitched-up scars all throughout his body (including one that goes down his face, splits at his nose onto his upper cheeks, and the infamous smile again), pale green eyes, dark circles from sleep deprivation. Aesthetic: I once saw someone say that he dresses like it's "Christian Girl Autumn" all year and I cannot find a better descriptor.

𝙹𝚊𝚗𝚎 𝚁𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚜𝚘𝚗/𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙺𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛

Name: Jane Tod Richardson-Vaughn Age: 26 Species: Enhanced Human (as a result of gov't. experimentation)(Liquid Hate) Sex/Gender: Cis Female Sexuality: Lesbian and happily married to her wife Mary Race/Ethnicity: Chilean-American Nationality: American, from Los Angeles, CA Religious Alignment: Christian (Practicing, though many in other Christian communities question or talk down on her regardless) Body Build: Muscle Mommy. 6ar6ie6 body type. Hands down. Features: Black mid-back length raven hair, fully black eyes (sclera and all), pale white skin, slight darkening under eyes, various types or scars as a result of experimentation. Aesthetic: Classy and casual, but she also really likes black.

𝙽𝚒𝚗𝚊 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙺𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛

Name: Nina Hopkins Age: 17 Species: Superhuman Sex/Gender: Cis Female Sexuality: Bisexual, male lean Race/Ethnicity: European-American Nationality: American, from Gulf Shore, Alabama Religious Alignment: Atheist Body Build: Skinny young woman, but healthy skinny. Features: Long black hair with a hot pink coon-tail side bang, sewn open eyelids, signature smile, icy blue eyes (slightly brighter than Jeff's), white leathery skin and minor scars all over her body. Aesthetic: Scene girl style. I like this version of Nina so I keep her.

𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚌𝚔𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔

Name: Natalie Oulette Age: 24 Species: Superhuman Sex/Gender: Cis Female Sexuality: Bisexual, female lean Race/Ethnicity: French-Canadian Nationality: Canadian, from Victoria, British Columbia Religious Alignment: Atheist Body Build: Lanky-looking but has hella muscle built up Features: Almost ginger-looking, shoulder-length auburn hair, one green eye while the other socket has a clock inside (which she is constantly bleeding from), sewn-up chelsea-grin, pale ivory skin with barely visible scars all over Aesthetic: Simple, sometimes grunge style preference.

#fanfiction #creepypasta #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta fandom #jeff the killer #homicidal liu #nina the killer #sully creepypasta #liu and sully #jane richardson #jane the killer #clockwork #clockwork creepypasta #headcanons post #headcanons #headcanon #tw human experimentation #tw demons

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wen-kexing-apologist · 4 months

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7 Days Before Valentine Ep 6: Stray Thoughts

Sunshine

First of all, Sunshine, @respectthepetty and I are on the way, we've got bats with your name carved in them, so I'd advise you to start running.

Sunshine is one of the characters I hate the most this year, especially as a main character/protagonist. But I do think they are doing an incredible job with his characterization in that this is a man with no one in his life, he doesn't interact with his parents, he has no friends, and based off the way he behaves you can tell exactly why. This is the most impulsive, self-absorbed man I've seen in quite some time.

Sunshine reminds me of the guys in my life I've known who are deeply in need of help, but turn everything in to a joke and absolutely, willfully refuse to talk about anything real. Sunshine absolutely, willfully refuses to pause for long enough to actually think about how terrible of a person he is and how much he is harming those around him as a result of that.

I don't even think Sunshine knows what he wants. He had a chance in his previous wish to just completely try again, in the best possible scenario where marriage equality has been passed and Rain doesn't know who he is, Sunshine has a clean slate, but that isn't good enough, so he ruins society, and that doesn't work, so he hurts Rain in the most fundamentally cruel way by removing his best friend from existence. Sunshine is hurting Rain so that he can be in a relationship with Rain, which is all I need to know to decide that Rain and Sunshine better not fucking end up together in this.

The Flowers

gif by @save-the-data

Okay, I don't know why, but the way Jared talks about his flowers is making me this of this book I read years ago called Daughter of Smoke and Bone where the main character is like living in the real world but has connections to this other fantasy world, and she goes to her friend to make wishes (for example, she wishes that her hair would naturally grow blue) and she only learns way later that every time she makes a wish the wish is paid for with (I think?) someone's tooth. And she realized that people, creatures, etc had died or been tortured to have their teeth removed so that she could make silly little wishes.

I don't know that I want this, I don't know what it would do or what it would say, but for some reason I cannot get it out of my head that these flowers with names that Jared talks about so lovingly are actual people's souls. Especially after that one rose fucking screamed when Sunshine dropped it.

Metaphors

gif by @save-the-data

The back half of last episode and the first half of this episode were really heavy on the theme of conformity. And I don't think I have a lot of words for it right now, but it is feeling very much like metaphors for externalized/internalized homophobia and the closet. Like how the little girl draws this picture of herself in a pink dress and writes SOS, while walking neatly in a line, in the same boring uniform as all the rest of the kids. Like the vibrant ecclectically dressed property manager, also choosing to conform when she goes out in public because she doesn't want to be stared at. Like the busker getting hauled away/punished by the police for breaking free from society's order. Like Jared, bright, happily, bubbly, and (in my opinion) visibly queer man being terrified of being hauled away to be "corrected". And this is all stemming from snap decisions Sunshine is making out of petty bullshit with almost zero intelligent thought behind his wishes.

How I want this to end

gif by @pharawee

I think I want Sunshine to wish Q away from existence. Q's job is very clearly weighing on him, and he deserves rest. For fuck's sake, his clothing gets darker every episode Sunshine needs to accept that Rain is gone from him, that he fucked up and can't go back, and I do not want Rain getting together with someone that really seems to disregard the harm he is causing.

Anyway, I am really enjoying this show, but it is slow as fuck and if it wasn't filmed, written, and structured like a play I don't think I would have had as high a tolerance for it's pacing.

#7 days before valentine #7dbv

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biracy · 9 months

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abt your post abt bi women belonging in the wlw community just as much as lesbians : i was reading the replies and youre so right abt how ignorant people are abt what comphet really is. im a lesbian and like yea i think we would experience comphet in the most intense way since were not attracted to men in any level, but comphet isnt only abt that, its a symptom of the patriarchy forcing women to center men in their lives and hell even straight women experience comphet, let alone bi women. people just have thrown around the word comphet so much they dont even know the true meaning

I was actually gonna post abt this soon LMAO so yeah!! I think it's also a misunderstanding of what "heterosexuality" as a dominant social force is to say that lesbians who are not attracted to men can experience "comphet", but bisexual women who are attracted to men cannot experience it. "Heterosexuality" as it is defined by dominant social forces is not only "a relationship between a man and a woman" - it's almost always a relationship between a "masculine" man and a "feminine" woman, and quite often a relationship between a man and a woman that results in monogamous marriage and childbirth. When people write about comphet, they're not talking about how movies and TV and fairy tales and children's books and my parents and my teachers and my religion all came together and told me to want to fuck genderfucky bi guythings. There is a specific kind of man centered in the heterosexuality enforced onto women, and a specific kind of role that a woman is expected to take on in that heterosexuality. I think the idea that bi people (women especially) cannot experience "comphet" overlaps a lot with people who believe that all bisexual people have the capability to become "straight-passing" if they enter different-gender relationships, which is in and of itself based on, in my observances, the belief that "gay/lesbian culture" and "bisexual culture" are completely distinct and that bisexual people are in some way innately less capable of being gender-nonconforming (or as some Tumblr scholars will call it, "visibly queer"). Bisexual people often date each other, we're often trans and/or visibly gender-nonconforming, and that's not something that we can just turn off the minute we enter into a quote unquote "heterosexual relationship." I'm bisexual, I'm nonbinary and id as both a man and a woman (so I take part in all these "sapphic" conversations etc etc u know the drill), I'm weird and kinky and switchy, I'm polyamorous, right now I'm dating a cis butch bi girl and a trans + nonbinary pan guy. At this point in my life I have absolutely no interest in relationships with cishet men, I don't want to get monogamously married, I never want to have children. I have not performed heterosexuality any better than, idk, a "gold star lesbian" has, and I FEEL it, I'm given shit for it, every relative I have pressures me already about boyfriends and grandkids and whatever. I do think there are bisexual people sometimes who do conform more to Straight Society but a) I think there are an equal amount of gay guys and lesbians who conform to Straight Society tbqh and b) it doesn't cover the breadth of bisexual people who do exist and who do feel the pressure to conform to the mainstream, dominant social system of heterosexuality and who CANNOT conform to it any more than you, anon, probably can. So yeah TL;DR bi girls can definitely experience "comphet" lmao and people are probably gonna hate that I said that

#ask #anon #lgbt #bisexuality #comphet #i've seen similar conversations about how even straight trans people are seen as existing outside of heterosexuality #bc heterosexuality is not 'when a man and a woman date'. it's a system

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ocpdzim · 2 years

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so ok in deep space nine they HEAVILY code the genetically enhanced people as neurodivergent (imo they all read quite clearly as autistic coded like, specifically, but most of them also seem to have other neurodivergency going on on top of that) and on one hand it kind of really sucks and is one of the biggest fuckups in the show in terms of like. representation. bc it’s sometimes played for some sort of shitty comedy and also plays into the autistic savant stereotype which nobody likes.

however also with that big “THIS KINDA SUCKS” disclaimer out of the way , there’s also some other things about how it’s handled that i want to also discuss bc they’re either interesting or actually good or just fucking weird and the combination of “this is good” and “this sucks” and “what the absolute hell were they even trying to do here” has resulted in me not being able to stop thinking about it.

first of all the number one thing that i think is actually really good about it is the very blatant and obvious “we need neurodivergent doctors for neurodivergent people” subtext that i’m not even sure it’s accurate to call subtext, it may just be text. NEVER have i seen that as a message in any show, the closest i have seen are shows where there’s a neurodivergent doctor but the reason the show considers that great is that the doctor in question can come up with novel ideas for helping neurotypical patients with unrelated issues. but it is really important - we do need neurodivergent doctors!!!! it makes a MASSIVE difference in pretty much the exact way depicted in the episode - neurodivergent doctors treat neurodivergent patients like people and engage with them on their own level and can relate to them and understand what they’re going through. star trek really said “maybe some of these patients who are ~difficult cases~ aren’t actually difficult cases and don’t need some kind of novel special procedure or whatever, they just need someone to fucking respect them for once.” and it extended that compassionate and humanizing perspective to neurodivergent people who had extremely visible and debilitating symptoms. brilliant incredible ahead of its time i just wish that it wasn’t weighed down by other Problems In The Episode. and since i figure i ought to throw in my two cents, i think this is a valuable enough message that it makes up for the flaws of the episode overall even though they are so glaring.

second of all the other thing i think is Actually Really Good about it is bashir being neurodivergent already before augmentation (they pretty much explicitly state he had some sort of learning disability) and how his parents’ attempt to “fix” him was NOT a good parenting move but instead, even though it DID make him fit in more with society and “fix” his symptoms, was a massive violation of his personhood that severely damaged his sense of self and pretty much destroyed his relationship with his parents. they weren’t evil or hateful parents - they really did want what was best for their son - but because of their ableism they couldn’t understand that what he really needed was to be accepted and respected for who he was, and to have his needs accommodated, not to be changed. neurodivergent kids get put through traumatizing and harmful “therapies” by parents who really do love them and would never intentionally harm them just like this all the time in real life. i really liked that his parents were dealt with sympathetically and it was made clear that they really did mean well, but despite that, he didn’t have to accept any justifications for what they’d done and his father ended up facing real consequences for it and accepting that it had been wrong.

this is a continuation of the bit about bashir being neurodivergent already, but i felt it needed a paragraph break - the other thing about the way being augmented by his parents in an attempt to stop him from being neurodivergent impacted bashir as a character that worked really well is that it DIDN’T stop him from being neurodivergent, it stopped him from outwardly appearing neurodivergent super obviously. it’s made very clear that even though he doesn’t have the same symptoms he had as a child, he’s still neurodivergent and instead of freeing him from any kind of burden, the treatments he was subjected to have condemned him to a life of masking forever. once again this is something that is the actual goal of many “therapies” for developmentally disabled people (fuck you aba), AND it’s something that a lot of neurodivergent people end up self-enforcing even if they’ve never been through these abusive therapies. bashir has to hide his neurodivergency to avoid making others uncomfortable and to protect his career, and it takes a clear and painful toll on his wellbeing even though it allows him to become a successful doctor. he makes it very clear he’d have rather lived his life without being forced into this box in the first place, even though now that he’s in the box he doesn’t want to get back out of it since being his authentic self now, after all the years of hiding, would put everything he has at risk. a lot of us do grapple with that and i don’t often see it portrayed at all.

now onto stuff i cannot slot neatly into “this is great” or “this sucks.”

on an actual serious level it is not good but i personally find it extremely hilarious, like as a concept, that in the sci-fi future of star trek, they invented a procedure to give your kid autism and then banned it because it makes your kid smarter and stronger than all the other kids and maybe he’ll take over the world. i’m drafting my world domination plan right now as we speak so watch out, i will destroy the government with my autism beam attack.

i have a lot of mixed feelings about lauren. on one hand, the way she’s written is often very flat and sometimes kind of creepy, and i wish she was dealt with with more nuance and depth. on the other hand, having a character who is not only disabled but institutionalized and nevertheless presenting her as beautiful, sexy, and capable of wanting and having romantic and sexual interactions is kind of nice in the face of the rampant desexualization experienced by disabled people.

the federation’s broad anti-augment stance is interesting in a show that generally presents the federation as being over most other types of discrimination. i think it’s intended to be up for audience interpretation whether the federation policies about augments are good or bad. personally, i think that it’s FLAGRANTLY bad - it isn’t the choice of a child whether to be augmented! it certainly makes sense for the procedure to be illegal considering both the risk of it being used for eugenics and the nature of it as a horribly violating procedure, but the consequences should not fall on the genetically enhanced person, but rather on whoever did that to them. i wish we’d seen more pushback against the federation’s policies and more examination of what they meant for augmented people.

the treason plotline being connected to all this was baffling to me. i am not necessarily against it on a principle level - “neurodivergent people will engage in high stakes treason and espionage in order to solve the world’s most fucked trolley problem” is so silly that it isn’t really a message i’m worried about - but i felt like it wasted the potential of the episode to go in plenty of other, more impactful directions. i would’ve much rather seen it end with the augments and the federation coming up with a better arrangement for their treatment and living situation - either to integrate into mainstream society or to find a way to improve the way they’re treated at the institution so that they are respected, listened to, and have their needs met better. ideally i would’ve really liked if we saw them all end up with different solutions, like maybe some of them would want to leave the institution and make a life for themselves outside it but others would want to stay, but with more autonomy and respect within the institution.

#NOTE i havent finished watching the show. i am aware they come back in at least 1 more episode. i didnt see that one yet #so like. no idea what happens in it or how it impacts this analysis #deep space nine #deep space 9 #ds9 #star trek #julian bashir #AUGH THIS IS SO LONG. sorry guys <3 #i have lots to say lol #ableism mention -#you can reblog this if you want to. like it isnt a personal do not reblog post you know?#also yeah i have been watching star trek from the 90s #they took it off netflix and so i pirated it to watch the rest and i guess paramount has a whole team dedicated to tracking down star trek #pirates bc they IMMEDIATELY threatened to cut off my internet. joke's on them though. eat shit paramount i already downloaded it #so i do not need to continue downloading it anyway

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pluralsword · 22 days

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we know that tumblr is not bluesky so like. are we bonkers for saying this but we somehow dont think that the horny human bodied trans posts using the transformers tag (which is also not something sex workers and horny trans humans on bluesky do they're having a normal one) are coming from anyone but bot accounts. especially since some of them are using trans guy and trans gal (without like, a bigender or polygender tag, which is strange) and trans exclusionary radical feminist tags all in the same breath, and the kicker here is - a lot of these posts were within the last 24-48hrs with the trans day of visibility tag. TDOV is march 31st. nice try.

so like even before getting into how this effects trans transformers art and writing this takes up the trans tag too and its like. whatever fucking asshole is out there making a mockery of trans people of all kinds by and likely stealing photos of the likes of us for porn accounts let me personally, and respectfully say what I have to say about how people like you have been doing this for cis women too: This is an awful act, and I have the utmost disdain for you for commodifying our bodies without consent or agency. It makes navigating this website already bereaved with transphobia and transmisogyny (which effects everyone not just trans women but us in particular) more of a pain in the butt and it is deeply insulting to both the real variety of our expressions and our (a)sexual lives.

What we hate most about this is that the backlash by staff and mass reporting will likely result in actual trans people whether sex workers or not losing their accounts so scrap you honestly. YOU KNOW THERE'S A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN MULTIPLE COUNTRIES RIGHT? AND REGARDING THE USA AMID MASS ARRESTS FOR BEING ON HRT OR OUT AS TRANS IN STATES WHERE THAT IS NOW ILLEGAL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT V-CODING IS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT PRISONS DO TO TRANS WOMEN IN THE USA? AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO INSTEAD OF BOTHERING TO AT LEAST VOTE FOR SOMEONE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT US OR DONATE MUTUAL AID TO ACTUAL TRANS PEOPLE INCLUDE PEOPLE IN THE SEX WORK INDUSTRY? You haven't read Gender as Accumulation Strategy by Kay Gabriel which goes over how trans people, trans women, left with nothing and sexually commodified and exiled by society made use of sex work to build up resources, support each other, and fight for liberation. Frag you. Sweet Solus, frag you.

For our part, posting trans transformers stuff is something that doesn't get as much attention tumblr interaction-wise (after releasing our essay and the whole thing with polls a while back it was very clear that are a number of people who do pay attention to this stuff but dont interact directly which is understandable there's no shame in that especially with all the shit going on right now and we just want to say to those who follow our stuff we appreciate you, salute you, and hope the best for you) and we don't bother with actually using the transformers tag here much to search for things but it does hurt.

Again, what we hate most about this is that the backlash by staff and mass reporting will likely result in actual trans people whether sex workers or not losing their accounts. Dear fellow trans and gender expansive people, we are in this together, be kind to each other, we will only survive with solidarity to one another and to all issues of oppression and not on trans liberation alone. We definitely agree with Kay Gabriel on that

#transformers #trans #transgender #spam bots #cw transphobia #transphobia #livid #this fucking hellsite

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winterpinetrees · 2 months

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The Human at the Corner Store (The Gap Years part 7?)

June 16th 2019

Washoe County, Nevada

Clay has spent his life tolerating horrible things, but he’s learning that faking rage is a different beast entirely. The problem is simple. The elven values that they are picking up from Marin, and ideal American ones, are near polar opposites.

Elf society has been a monarchy ever since one of Marin’s ancestors conquered the world, and they view democracy as a doomed idea that made the opposing nations too disorganized to defend themselves. The nobility are proudly, deeply, ableist, believing in genetic purity and some warped ideal of the survival of the fittest. Their clean, elegant society depends on human slavery, and even though the prince is trying to be polite, his prejudices are clearly visible. In summary, it’s villain rhetoric, the exact sort of politics that the three of them expect from aliens dead-set on conquest. But Clay also thinks it’s also refreshingly honest. The other two will deny it, but they've heard all of those words from their fathers, just hidden. Clay doesn’t love what Marin’s people have to offer, but he doesn’t hate it either. That being said, Brian is full of that familiar righteous anger, and Sierra is getting snappy, so Clay pretends to be just as furious to keep the waters calm.

It’s their seventh day on the road. Twice they’ve driven through settlements that Marin believed had significant elven populations without stopping. The first didn’t have a single sign of anything strange, but the second set Sierra’s magic detector ticking even with the windows up. They’d parked two miles down the road and argued for half an hour about the risks. Eventually, they chose to leave Marin and Brian by the side of the road and have the other two drive back to town. Clay parks the car by a patch of grass and rolls down the windows. They’re just over the Nevada border now, surrounded by scraggly trees and distant mountains. Sierra holds the detector gadget in one calloused hand and listens to it tick. She’d found a schematic in some cryptic corner of the internet and finished the modifications in two days with practically nothing. Sierra wears meters of copper wire around her wrists and treats her growing arsenal of gadgets like some of Brian’s teammates guard their shoes. She'd probably be happier as a cyborg.

The gadget measures about half as much magic as when Marin cast an illusion directly over it. It’s a result too big to be from anything other than elves in the area. Sierra’s face flickers through surprise, joy, and fear.

“They’re here.”

Clay thinks for a moment. He’s always been comfortable in places he wasn’t supposed to be. His safety-first persona has kept him safe in places where no billionaire’s son should go, but he’s also the sort of man who travels there in the first place.

“I’m going to look around. See if I can find anything suspicious”. Specifically, he’s looking for another flash of magic. They’ve learned that every elven bloodline has its own color, not a genetic trait but something that’s learned. Certain colors will mean that the town is occupied by allies or by enemies.

“Alright. Don’t die. And remember, there’s no cell service here. We can call your satellite phone, but only in emergencies”.

Clay steps out of the car with a hundred dollars in cash and the detector gadget in his backpack. Sierra’s rigged it up to his smartwatch. If it detects magic above a certain threshold, he’ll get a text. To avoid being recognized in the future, he’s wearing contacts instead of glasses and some of Brian’s clothes. If anyone asks, his name is Carter and he isn’t carrying any ID that can dispute that. Marin has made it clear that elves view humans as simple, blunt, and fanatically loyal. He’ll try to give them what they want. Hopefully he’ll be forgotten overnight.

He enters a corner store. The exterior has a bit of Wild West flair, but other than that it’s exactly like a dozen other places they’ve stopped so far. A bell rings over the door and he steps between narrow aisles of whatever. Clay has a healthy respect for corner stores. They’re almost everywhere, and you never notice them until they are gone. He’s met the CEOs of the corporations that take their place. They’re all horrible. Sometimes Clay wishes he was born in a place like this, a little rural community built around stores with names instead of brands. He knows that’s stupid. Clay prefers the security of near-infinite money to any false dream of belonging. He’s made his way on his own.

A boy about Clay’s age stands behind the counter. His brown hair is short enough to reveal round human ears, and he looks like a normal white human teen. Maybe he is. Marin was clear that the elven settlements were not completely elven, but maybe it’s a disguise? No. The gadget would buzz if he was that close to an illusion. Clay finds some snacks and a map. He wanders around (he turns a lighter off and on a few times, but isn’t certain if he can buy one in Nevada without his ID). After a suitable amount of time, he approaches the employee and says a few meaningless lines. Clay is very good at small talk. It’s a game to him. Like Brian’s sports and Sierra’s technology, Clay prides himself at being able to get exactly what he wants out of a conversation. Soon he’s learned that the boy is named Markus and then they’re laughing about the wildlife. After a while, Markus leans over the counter.

“Where are you headed?” He gestures out the window. “We’re pretty far from anywhere most people want to go”.

Clay shrugs. “We’re driving just to drive, you know? There’s a hundred mile square with nothing on the maps. Got curious”.

“We get most travelers in the fall. There’s good foliage, but I don’t have much to compare it to.”

“You’ve always lived here?”

“It’s better than it looks.” The boy smiles to himself.

Interesting. Clay isn’t sure what to make of that. That could be evidence of something hidden, or Markus could just be a proud rural boy. Time for the next question.

“The maps always include this ghost town, Vya, to try and fill space. Have you ever been?” Not every abandoned spot in the west is occupied by elves, but that one is. It’s only half an hour away, too. The two groups work together. An unincorporated settlement and a ghost town, both full of aliens like some science fiction story.

The smiling boy looks down. His hand twitches. He lies. “Nah. It’s just highway maintenance and a ranch out there. No point to the drive.”

“Oh. That’s a shame. I was hoping for some big abandoned town to kick around in.”

“It’s been dead too long for that. It’s all dust in the void now.”

Clay has a perfect poker face. Thank god for that, or else he’d have blown his cover in a second. If he had a nickel for every time Marin used the phrase “dust in the void” to describe something desolate or lost, he’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot but it’s only been a few days and he’s never heard a human say it in his life. It proves that Markus lives around elves. He may even be partly descended from them.

“Well, thanks for the help. It was nice to meet you.” Clay pauses and weighs his words. “I probably won’t ever be back here. I hope you have a good life.”

He turns and walks away, but as he opens the door to leave, he hears a response.

“Uh. Don’t go through Vya. I can’t explain, but it’s dangerous out there. It’s not really abandoned, and some stuff’s been going down this past week." A second passes. "Thank you. I hope you have a good life too.”

Clay stares at him for a long time. The boy’s eyes are deep gray and very wide. What is it like to grow up human, surrounded by elves? Markus knows that the world is changing forever. It’s the end of an age, and he is standing watch at a corner store while ignorant, doomed humans walk through. Does he want this world to end? Will he miss the tourists and the deception? Clay can’t guess.

He still does not know which side runs this town. He has seen no magic, and no political colors. Maybe he’s already talked for too long, but Clay feels like he shouldn’t leave until he has something to report. He’s at such a high altitude that the sky is a beautiful, striking, blue, and the temperature is nice and cool for June. Of course the boy will have a good life. This place is beautiful, even without its elven secrets. What else would you need outside of this forgotten void on the map? He’ll stay another few minutes.

He walks until his phone rings. His satellite phone, for emergencies. Clay stands perfectly still in the harsh sunlight. The sun is low in the sky. When did that happen? His mind is at peace but his body, trained by years in places he wasn’t supposed to go, moves without it. Clay moves to take off his backpack, to reach for the gadget within, but the thought dies halfway. He cannot think here. The blood rushes in his ears. His phone rings. Figures move in the corners of his vision. Clay turns and runs. He runs and runs without fully understanding what he runs from. He does not have an analogy or a metaphor for this fear.

Somehow, miraculously, he makes it back to the car. Marin and Brian are also inside, and the wheels begin to turn before he’s even closed the door. Clay begins to think again. The skin on his hands is red from sunburn, and his friends look at him like they’ve seen a ghost. He was walking for over four hours. He will not explore alone anymore.

…………

Vya is a real ghost town. The place where this chapter is set is not real. Filler episodes are hard, but I have things I need to establish before I can get to the first really interesting plot point.

#by me #the gap years #my oc stuff #writing that *is*#the road trip

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delusion-of-negation · 1 year

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You don't need to respond if you don't wanna, or if you think this is too personal, since I'm just looking for varied opinions. As another disabled person, I've seen an uptick in people claiming ableist behaviour, and talking points are rooted in racism and white supremacy/anti-Poc mentality. Some claiming ableism is a direct result of other issues. Some mutuals have also claimed disability is NEVER its own issue. I'd like to know if sentiment is more isolated, or has become more common. Thanks.

people have their own bugbears - some people want the system ultimately to boil down to one The Man, be he capitalism, white supremacy, patriarchy, or something else, maybe not as the one simple sole reason, but as the core, as the worst, as the rot that could free us of other rot if purged. ableism is a spanner in every single one of those theories - right down to "bigotry is hating an individual for how they were born" types of sentiment. however, ableism is a severe systemic issue that isn't just capitalism, and definitely isn't just patriarchy or white supremacy. japan's heavy culture of work is ableist, for example. the people claiming every issue is just rooted in their bugbear don't understand how these things work, they don't understand intersectionality, and they're usually pretty new activists who are throwing themselves into a specific issue and connecting dots that don't connect, because they're hyperfixating on their new calling in life, it's something a person needs to grow past if they want to actually help however. because if you don't, you're simply another manifestation of the blindspot society has to our problems, another person saying at best that we don't know what's best for us and at worst that our problems don't exist. I've seen people claim that activism for the issues faced by disabled people is detracting from real issues, it would be racist/sexist/capitalist to not center their bugbear. the problem is that the whole point of intersectionality is to explain interlocking webs of systems, and no one person is equipped to comprehend and contend with the entire web, we do need to be able to have our own bugbears, one issue we can focus on and a different person can be trusted to focus on another, or else we'll overwork ourselves to the point of uselessness. the problem I'm pointing at isn't someone caring more about poc issues than an increase in the cost of living without disability benefits similarly increasing, the problem is people who say that you can't do that around disability issues, that you're actually wrong and it's all an obvious distraction from them, that you have to say "of course x group would be more affected..." whenever you mention the way you're unable to afford food, and I've even seen people say such things to people they didn't know were of x group. the system is multifaceted but we're individuals, so we need to work together apart, we need to work apart together. so yes, I've seen this shit, however it's not more common, it's more visible - when I was an activist in my teens irl, when I was still well enough to protest, it wasn't uncommon to meet young people like myself with those bugbears, heck sometimes older people who had got so fixated saying "have you considered homophobia isn't just capitalism?" literally set them on a rant, and from what I know from activists older than me who I'd talk to, things were like that forever. what manifestation you see of it online is the vocal people who make contentious or incorrect statements being blasted out by shitty algorithms that prey on outrage. it's not an isolated problem, it's definitely one activists have noticed forever, but the way it goes absolutely viral every time and the confirmation bias and closed subcultures formed by people who reinforce obsession with the bugbear of their choosing, that's definitely new and problematic because it's massively hindering the ability to work side by side. mutuals of yours are likely uncritically reblogging posts because nobody wants to be the person who adds "maybe the black guy saying this is just racism is wrong" if someone says ableism isn't actually real and is just white supremacy, with far more words to obfuscate that and confuse what it's saying, especially when it's going to result in a dogpile, and people saying you just don't get what's really being said, emperor's new clothes style. nobody is comfortable telling the emperor he's simply a naked ableist tbf.

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remove-the-stairs-bitch · 1 month

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The greatest misery you will ever face is the misery found in trying to search for yourself in yourself. It takes the words of other people. It takes selflessness. And selflessness takes growth.

I'll tell you all now what I wish I had known back then: Growth is NEVER easy. It is NEVER fun, at least until you figure out that it *is* growth. But it's always so much better than running from your problems or stagnating. When we grow, we become free. When we grow, we stop caring about our wants. We begin to ask others what they want.

A person who is not learning is actively dying. A person who is not working is actively dying. A person who is not growing is actively dying. These things take a lot of work to want to do. I learned this the hard way. When we look at it all like chores or responsibility, it becomes this drudgery that we "ought to just get over with, or the whole day will be dull." It is not. Just like putting the laundry away, or sweeping the front porch, it's a privilege. It's something that we have earned and we should want to keep in good order.

Growth is pain. Beauty is pain. Life is pain. I hate to say it, but in order to leave the pain of growth and beauty and life behind, you either have to push past it, or you have to give up. There's only one of these options I condone, which is perseverance. Somebody who does not persevere will never grow, and will never learn, and will never experience joy. These things, again, are not easy. They are not fun. They are work. And that little bit of work, that light, momentary affliction, is the first step towards growth.

Nobody likes to change. It is frightening. It is painful. It's difficult. But there have been several times that I've heard and seen the sentiment that it's the world that ought to change. This isn't true. This will never be true. The world doesn't care. And it never will. In reality, and in my experience, the change that truly needs to happen is individual. Not to become more accepting or tolerant, but to become somebody who is willing to help others. Not that helping others is necessary, but the willingness and readiness to help others is a big part of being human. If we did not want to help each other, we would have no society.

I have experienced all of this. From change in my extraneous circumstances to change in my own body. They never tell you just how horrible being a teenager is, and the "changes" they tell you about are so incredibly understated. If I had continued down the path that I had chosen, I am certain I would have stepped in front of a freight train at some point. In that age, you have no desire to change. You're already changing so much that any more is overwhelming. I understand it; I am still going through it.

But life prepares us by being difficult. Nothing comes easy, except death. What is gained from a death but sorrow? So then do the work necessary to be alive. Don't spend your extra energy here, or on games, or on YouTube, or otherwise. Spend it doing something you love. I hate to sound like I'm on a high horse. But time spent on producing tangible results (be it drawing, gardening, exercising, reading, speaking to family, or otherwise,) is time spent producing visible landmarks of progress. Even if the drawing turns out like shit. Even if the flowers don't bloom and the peppers aren't good. Even if you're sore the next day, even if the book sucks, even if your family doesn't agree with you. Everything is progress.

Even the least respected jobs have high demand. If there were no fast food workers, where would most of America eat? If there were no garbage collectors, who would take away our waste? If there was no postal service, who would deliver checks and bills? Therefore, find some way to find honor in your work, and you will appreciate it more.

#Misery and the pursuit of joy #soul searching #growth #change #fear of change #fear in itself #I will tell you all now. I know that few of you will listen.#Emotions do not make us who we are. We are where we are. We are our names. We are our relationships with other people.#If we forget this then we will be forever divided.

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psychiatricwarfare · 1 year

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I posted 9,010 times in 2022

That's 7,446 more posts than 2021!

103 posts created (1%)

8,907 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@blizz4rd1203

@daughter-of-sapph0

@chaosdisorganized

@imdrinkingyourmilkshake

I tagged 544 of my posts in 2022

#bug talks - 93 posts

#unreality - 23 posts

#ask - 13 posts

#actually dissociative - 12 posts

#bug answers - 11 posts

#me - 10 posts

#dpdr - 9 posts

#<3 - 6 posts

#actually traumatised - 6 posts

#traumacore - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 135 characters

#and ever since i annoy everyone i know throughout the holiday season with how unnecessary the overwhelming amount of christmas there is

My Top Posts in 2022:

currently thinking about narcissus and how he was turned into a flower as a gift from the gods so he could stare into his reflection forever because of his adoration for himself and his own beauty and somehow that incredibly beautiful story of self love is somehow depicted today as narcissus being this incredibly selfish and evil human being who was stripped of his humanity by the gods as punishment despite being turned into a flower being an act of love from the gods in other myths

anyways i hope all narcissists (and anyone with one or more cluster b disorders) have a wonderful day, the gods love u and i do too 🖤

46 notes - Posted March 26, 2022

i hate that when trying to research certain disorders (for example aspd) all the criteria just says some bullshit like "theyre just terrible people, disgusting human beings with no regard for others" like shut UP im trying to learn actual psychology not your little ableist headcanons omfg this is why mentally ill people hate psychologists

all the diagnostic criteria is like "they lie, cheat, steal, theyre deranged" as if people with aspd cant choose to be good people, as if theyre doomed to be this sick stereotype society thinks of them as

its beyond infuriating because it also implies that any criminal with a mixed criminal history is more likely to be able to get an aspd diagnosis than an actual abuse victim whos developed aspd as a result its just so fucking infuriating how professionals think the criteria for some disorders is "theyre visibly bad people" and not, like, having symptoms

68 notes - Posted April 21, 2022

fellow insane people, if youre listening to something for a while, like the sounds when playing a video game or a certain song or whatever, can you still hear it after you turn it off? like, not it being stuck in your head, actually hearing it? full on auditory hallucination. and if so, why does that happen? its very confusion and actually terrifying sometimes

84 notes - Posted April 17, 2022

here's your friendly reminder that disability advocacy has to be intersectional!

happy disability pride month to BIPOC disabled folk!

happy disability pride month to queer disabled folk!

happy disability pride month to disabled women!

happy disability pride month to those with physical disabilities!

happy disability pride month to those with mental disabilities!

happy disability pride month to those with invisible disabilities!

happy disability pride month to those with visible disabilities!

happy disability pride month who are unable to work due to their disability!

happy disability pride month to those who are seen as "Not Disabled Enough"!

happy disability pride month to those whose disabilities arent recognised as a disability!

happy disability pride month to those who require any amount of mobility aids!

happy disability pride month to those with high support needs!

happy disability pride month to those with low support needs!

happy disability pride month to people who are demonised because of their disability!

happy disability pride month to literally every kind of disabled person!!

1,708 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

crazy how every mentally ill/disabled person i know, knows more about psychology than most psychologists i know

absolutely wild how every physically disabled person i know, knows more about them than almost every professional i know

its almost like they should listen to us or something

4,292 notes - Posted October 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #b talks

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dog-teeth · 2 years

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if it's alright that i ask, how did your dsyphoria manifest? and how did you deal with it? a lot of the time, I'm really confused as to whether or not im experiencing dysphoria, or just blowing basic body discomfort out of proportion, and im curious what it was/is like for you, especially since you're genderfluid.

hi im tipsy so not at my most articulate but dysphoria for me feels

wait hang on putting this under the cut bc Long ish Post

like theres a disconnect between how people see me or how i was born vs how i want to be, generally my dysphoria was rarely ever tied to my body intrinsically as ive heard other trans peoples is (e.g. having trouble showering or having sex, feeling like being born in the wrong body), it was mostly how people percieved me. like i hated my voice pre-T and didnt even rly connect it to dysphoria except for when it made me unable to pass, i just thought i didnt like my voice. and with my breasts, i feel like i would have had significantly less issue with having them on my body if they werent so unequivocally tied to femininity in the eyes of cis society and a dead-giveaway of my agab. but also i always found breasts to be inconvenient, the way they feel when running and jumping and laying down, and generally i just felt like i wanted to be flat-chested, but i didn't hate my chest, i thought it was cute a lot of the time, but the incongruence with how people saw me as a result of them made me personally uncomfortable (i LOVE seeing transmasc people with visible breasts tho i think its so gender and cool and i wish there had been more representation for that earlier in my transition!)

my dysphoria as a genderfluid person comes out when i feel like i can't control how people read me, or (like a lot of other trans people) when people read me as something other than i want them to. especially since my gender changes are largely internal and i rarely ever communicate them with anyone. and i get 'dysphoric' i guess about how its not very acceptable for me to say 'im (kinda) a boy' or 'im (kinda) a girl' and have it be understood that it is not permanent but is still real for me. i feel a lot of external pressure to be perfectly androgynous as a genderqueer person but sometimes i do feel like a girl & that doesnt make my gender or my transition invalid, and sometimes i do feel like a boy but that doesnt make me a man. i use the words very loosely and i think language and communication often falls short of encompassing it. not being able to adequately describe myself is also dysphoric.

when i was younger tho dysphoria often felt like i just felt like a boy/agender but i knew no matter what i did people wouldnt see me like that and my body was Female with a capital F and i didnt want it to be. it felt like being cornered and trapped within other peoples perceptions of me and my own body.

i think theres an overbearing narrative of hating your body as a trans person and wishing it was like the "opposite" gender, but its often more complex than that for both binary and nonbinary trans people. its a weird mix of how you internally want your body to be and how you want other people to see you which is based on your body. idk. like i said im tipsy.

i think its also important to remember that dysphoria and dysmorphia, like all words and especially labels like these, are not solidly-defined or static or universal and to sort your feelings into discreet boxes is almost never possible. all you can really do is think about what might make you happy and what you want and how you feel, in all its multitudes and confusion.

#ez answers #gender stuff

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sophieinwonderland · 2 years

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On words and context...

I just wanted to address a statement of mine that was recently taken out of context. You may have seen the following post pop up in the tags:

You can read the full post I made here: https://sophieinwonderland.tumblr.com/post/674109978008813568/it-said-their-system-flag-couldnt-be-used-by

The lines quoted above were, specifically, a response to this:

But what is not okay is to continue to contribute to the marginalization and extreme, prolonged suffering of humans who have been through enough.

We are not naysayers. We are protecting ourselves from further marginalization. No one takes us seriously anymore. And it’s directly as a result of this. People attack real trauma survivors now because of this epidemic.

If you read my response without the selective emphasis on the highlighted lines, it's clear that the meaning is to say that the blame for the marginalization of system communities is on the singlets who are marginalizing them, rather than pacing the blame on endogenic systems. It is not blaming DID/OSDD systems for being attacked.

As DID/OSDD communities became more visible, they were always going to be the targets of hate and harassment. Endogenic systems didn't cause this.

DID/OSDD systems aren't attacked because of alleged misinformation from endogenic systems. They're attacked for things like having fictives, or having internal worlds where they communicate, or having too many alters, or choosing healthy multiplicity as their healing option instead of fusion. Normal things experienced by DID/OSDD systems

The DID cringe subreddit was originally focused entirely on attacking DID systems before it expanded to all system types.

A marginalized community that existed in the shadows becoming visible and seeking recognition was always going to invite hate and conflict from the outside. They don't hate systems because of alleged misinformation from endogenic systems. They hate systems because plurality as a concept is a threat to them.

The people who hate systems do so because they're scared of us.

And there was never any scenario where DID/OSDD systems would have been able to step into the spotlight to try to gain recognition and acceptance without pluralphobic attacks. And the more visible these communities become, the more attention they attract, the bigger of a threat they'll be perceived as. That was going to happen with or without endogenic systems. And it will get worse before it get better. But it has to if we ever want it to get better and want to be accepted by society.

There's also one more part of that post that I want to respond to.

All because they couldn’t use a stupid flag that was never made for them? Because the person who made it didn’t want people using it who support ableist microlabels?

If you read my post, the bulk of it is addressing the exclusion of DID/OSDD systems, even those who have been diagnosed, by exclusionists. In some cases, it's because they believe that plurality isn't inherently tied to DID/OSDD, and that you can be plural without those experiences.

In other cases, it's because they remember being plural before the trauma that resulted in their disorder.

But apparently, it's "ableist" for a diagnosed DID system to say "I identify as mixed origins/quiogenic/endogenic because I was plural first and my trauma happened later."

The "sys flag" that bans use by non-traumagenic systems and endo supporters isn't the problem. It's just emblematic of it. The problem is that many DID/OSDD systems who have experienced trauma are ostracized by exclusionists the same way endogenic systems are. They are called ableist and made to feel unsafe and unwelcome in their own communities simply for speaking about the way they perceive their own plurality and disorder.

Personally, I can take the abuse. We're not in a place where I'm worried about our mental health.

What I hate is seeing trauma survivors get bullied out of their communities by exclusionists because they supported me and systems like myself, or because they don't attribute their plurality to their trauma, or for whatever other reason.

And then the exclusionists turn around and pretend like the reason they bully the disabled trauma survivors out of their communities is for the good of... disabled trauma survivors?

#I'm just copying the tags on the post I'm replying #I think it's fair that anyone who read that part of my post in the tags be allowed the full context to form their own opinions #shit endos say #shit singlets say #ableism #actuallymultiple #dissociative identity disorder #syscourse #actuallyplural #multiplicity #discourse #actuallyendogenic #endogenic #did #actually plural #did osdd #syscource #anti endo #plurality

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creativelyderangedme · 4 years

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Checking Sources

I’m taking a stab at the trope I’ve seen all over the place recently. But with a different twist. Oneshot - might continue if I get the desire.

“Ladybug?”

Paris’ spotted heroine jumped slightly after being pulled from her thoughts. She’d been staring out over the city’s glittering lights, lost to the maelstrom of voices and recalled memories swarming her mind with a thoughtful (at least she hoped it was) frown on her lips. So much so, that she hadn’t noticed when her leather-clad partner had shown up to sit next to her on a night he was supposed to be taking off.

When the hell had he gotten there? She wondered, looking around quickly for any indication of how long she’d been stuck in her own head.

“Hey Chaton, what are you doing out here? It’s my night to patrol.” She asked as another entirely panicked thought came to mind - that she’d been so dazed she’d missed the tell-tale signs of an Akuma.

But, before she could freak out any further, she took in Chat’s relative ease - or at least, he didn’t look like he was on the verge of jumping into a fight. He did seem apprehensive, though. She could tell in the way it tensed and squeezed his shoulders together like he wanted to be close, but wouldn’t dare come in contact with her.

Which made her wonder if she’d said or done anything recently to give him the idea he was overstepping his bounds. Or maybe he was mad at her for something? And wasn’t that just the icing on the cake that was her day?

First, Lila had caused a major scene that got Marinette detention for the rest of the week (it all happened so fast, she barely remembers what the hell had even happened). Now she was having a panic attack over whether her partner was mad at her for something she didn’t remember doing? Who else was she going to piss off today?

“What’s your stance on sharing your identity?”

Panic attack on momentary pause, a dark brow shot up at the question, and if she wasn’t so wary of the way he’d said it with that uncomfortable look on his face, she probably would have been angry. But he seemed so off tonight that it was throwing her usual emotions for a loop. So, choosing not to go off on her partner, she sighed heavily, trying to keep her focus on him despite the bubbling irritation, “Chat, I’m sorry, but we’ve talked about this. Our identities are a secret for a reason.”

For the first time since he sat down (she thinks), she sees him glance her way if only slightly. The uncomfortable look on his face had softened a bit but he still has something unreadable in his eyes that makes Ladybug anxious, “So... you’ve never shared your identity? With anyone? Not accidentally or otherwise?”

If she didn’t know any better, she’d say his words were a little accusatory.

Which, okay first off, what the fuck? And second, why was he suddenly giving her the third degree?

Again, though, the entire display was throwing her and she knew she had to be rational about this.

“No. Of course not. I promised you didn’t I? Once Hawkmoth was defeated, you would be the first person I told.” She stated as calmly and resolutely as she possibly can. She’d been clear from the start where she stood on the subject.

As soon as the words left her mouth, Chat Noir visibly relaxed. Shoulders slumping and a breath heaving from his chest as he nodded, “Right. Right, of course.” He finally managed to turn to look at her and the discomfort was quickly hidden by a small smile.

The shift in his attitude was almost as disconcerting as his arrival.

“What is this about, Chatton?”

That smile faltered a bit as he looked away from her again, “There’s this-” he began but his words died before he shook his head, “No, it’s - it’s nothing. Sorry for bothering you about this. It was stupid.”

Chat made to stand, but Ladybug caught his wrist before he could get away, “Obviously not if it brought you out here as upset as you looked. I know I can be a real stickler about the secret identities thing, but Chat, I’m not doing this to hurt you. I promise!” She implored, feeling like she’d missed something major. “If you’re being hurt or-”

Blonde hair flew as he shook his head quickly, “No, no. Nothing like that. Really. I know why you do. I won’t pretend it doesn’t suck, but I get it. Really, I do.” He tried to assure her, and while it did seem like he understood and he was being honest with her, he was still hiding something. Something that had driven him to come out and ask her these strange questions.

“Then what was all of this about?”

He had the decency to look apologetic at least as the corners of his mouth pulled up and he shook his head again, “It’s too personal - talking about it might give me away, Bugaboo, but I really am sorry about this. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Ladybug’s eyes darted back and forth as she watched him closely, but eventually, hesitantly, she let go of his wrist and allowed him to get up.

The whole conversation left an unsettling anxiousness over her and a rather uncomfortable tenseness in the air between them as he backed away and saluted before she even had the chance to say anything - disappearing into the night.

That unease followed her home and through her restless sleep and when she woke up the next morning, she couldn’t help but let it consume her thoughts. Distracting her as she made her way to class earlier than usual.

Distracting her so much, in fact, that she almost didn’t notice the crowd gathered around two individuals crammed into her usual seat next to Alya giggling and talking loudly.

Almost.

As much as she hated it, Marinette had developed something of a sixth sense for the Italian exchange student Lila Rossi. A personal radar to warn her of the liar’s presence.

And it was going off big time.

It wasn’t uncommon for Lila to try and steal her spot when she could. Usually, it resulted in some sort of argument between Marinette and Alya when her supposed best friend defended the other girl for just wanting to hang out, and why didn’t she try being nice to the girl for once?

This time, though, Marinette was quickly made aware of three things:

1. Lila wasn’t alone.

2. Whoever this other girl was, she and Lila were already very close and that didn’t bode well for anyone - especially Marinette.

3. Adrien, who was an unfortunate captive in the crowd around his desk, looked really uncomfortable - more so than usual as he openly frowned at the desktop in front of him, trying not to associate with the things going on around him.

What the hell was going on? Marinette had only been gone from class for one afternoon!

Alya was the first to notice her entrance to the class, giving her an unsure look from her seat (she had been pretty mad at her yesterday for whatever it was that landed her detention for the week), causing a ripple effect as Lila and her ‘guest’ looked up at her too, quieting down and catching everyone else’ attention.

The unfamiliar girl sized the noirette up before speaking, “Is this the girl you were telling me about?”

Lila put on her biggest, fakest, puppy-dog eyes and nodded softly, watching Marinette like she might lunge at her any second now.

Like parting the red sea, the unfamiliar girl stood from her place at Marinette’s desk and the crowd around her gave her room to move, allowing her to make her way to stand haughtily before her. The girl was a tad taller than Marinette, but the platform sandals she wore made it so Marinette would need to look up at her slightly. She had dark, almost black, shoulder-length hair that hung loosely, but the color of her brows made it clear that it wasn’t natural. She’d dyed it, recently too, if the lack of root discoloration was any indication.

Marinette watched her approach with a raised brow, unimpressed by the superior gleam to the girl’s blue-green eyes.

“I heard you’ve been bullying my best friend.” She said, authoritatively, her hands propped on hips clad in Gabriel branded jeans.

There was a collective gasp among her classmates like this was some big reveal in a soap opera.

The class rep merely blinked a moment, brow still raised because who the fuck even was this girl and why was she squaring up to her like she even had a chance? Actually, no, she didn’t care.

“I’m sorry, who are you?” Marinette asked, but her tone gave away how few fucks she actually gave about the girl’s answer.

“For your information, it’s Bianca. I just transferred yesterday. But don’t change the subject. I’ve heard that you’ve been bullying my best friend Lila.”

Before Bianca had a chance to say any more, Marinette gave her a deadpanned look, “Well, sorry to inform you, but your best friend is a liar.”

Lila could immediately be heard breaking out into sobs somewhere in the background but Marinette was quickly losing interest in this conversation.

“I don’t think she is. I think you’re the liar. In fact, I think people like you are what’s wrong with Paris. Always trying to hurt others so they get Akumatized and I have to clean up your mess.”

I’m sorry, what?

That had Bluebell eyes snapping to focus on the girl in front of her. Interest piqued.

“I’m giving you one chance. Stop being a menace to society or my partner and I will take action.”

There was quite a bit to unpack from that. Like... a lot. Menace to society? Partner? Take action?

Who did this girl think she was? Ladybug?

The one thing that seemed clear to Marinette after reviewing the word choices in her own head a few times, was that this was not a friendly recommendation.

“Are you threatening me?”

She probably should have sounded a little angrier. In fact, anything would have been better than bored. But she just couldn’t find the energy.

A triumphant smile spread over Bianca’s face, as she disregarded the lack of fear in Marinette’s voice, “I don’t threaten people. But that is a promise.”

Marinette was left to blink at her a little longer.

Because what even was happening here? What on earth had she done that the universe saw fit to drop this steaming pile of bull on her morning?

And why did it feel like the girl was hinting at something she wasn’t picking up on? Why was her body telling her that she needed to react while her brain was taking its sweet time to catch up with everything?

“Dude,” someone from the peanut gallery stage whispered, finding it in their heart to give her a helping hand, “That’s Ladybug!”

Lila shushed them loudly, “Guys, not everyone is supposed to know! We don’t know who we can trust!”

Oh.

oohhhhh!

Wow. When she’d made that comment in her head before, she’d been joking but... seriously? Did she really just?

“You’re Ladybug?” Marinette asked, wanting to clarify and make absolutely certain that she hadn’t just imagined that last forty-five seconds of her life.

Bianca’s chin raised, literally looking down her nose at Marinette, “Normally I wouldn’t share that information with someone like you.”

Behind her, Adrien stood from his seat looking absolutely livid, but Marinette barely had a moment to even register the malice in the gaze he pointed at Bianca before -

Pfft...

Marinette covered her mouth with her hand to stop it, but nothing could hold back the onslaught now.

They were giggles at first, tumbling from her in waves as she tried to clear her throat and treat this seriously. But before long, she couldn’t help it. She was laughing out loud, doubling over, completely ignorant (maybe not completely, but she didn’t care at this point) to the looks of confusion on the faces around her.

She made the mistake of looking back up at Bianca and that only renewed her laughing fit until it literally brought her to her knees, clutching her sides as she laughed so hard she cried.

Fucking cried.

It was a solid five or six minutes before she could breathe again. Sitting back up, wiping the tears from her eyes, she beamed at the girl standing awkwardly before her, “Wow. Thanks. I really needed that.”

She cleared her throat, clearly unsure of the strange behavior. She couldn’t blame her for that. “I don’t see what’s so funny.”

“All of it. Really.” She stood up from the floor, making a show of dusting off her pants before turning her full attention back on the girl.

Because this was going to be fun.

“So, Ladybug, tell me this; if I’m such a menace to society, why would you entrust me with a miraculous?”

Bianca's smirk faltered, her eyes darting over to Lila for a moment, both of them looking a little lost for words. As was everyone else for that matter.

Even Alya, whose mouth hung open at this revelation. But the reporter flew to her phone, swiping quickly, "when?! There were no new heroes! How do we know you're not lying?"

Oh good. They were playing right into it. One thing you could always count on with sheeple... they always follow.

"Huh, well, then I guess if you can’t believe me at my word, it would be pretty easy to fact check." Her tone was a bit forced on those words and the reporter had the decency to look taken aback, "You could always just ask Ladybug, here."

"Well I-"

"Or you could ask her partner. Seeing as how he saw me transform."

Bianca's mouth snapped shut. It was still hit or miss whether or not Marinette was bluffing. And it's easy to claim something like that when the only other person who could confirm or deny the facts was not present.

This had been Lila’s game the whole time. The difference was, Marinette wasn’t lying.

But neither of them could take that chance.

Because neither of them knew what she knew.

And Ladybug was definitely in this room, but it wasn’t who they all thought it was.

"I asked her to give you a chance. Because I wanted to help you. I thought being a hero would make you a better person. But you just kept bullying me!"

"E-exactly."

Ah, so they were going to go this route, hmm? She could work with that. And given Lila’s proclivity for being Akumatized, maybe she could mess with Hawkmoth too while she was at it.

Because it was only a matter of time before someone was targeted.

"How very generous of you, Lila," She said in her sweetest voice possible, but even to her own ears, it sounded fake. How did Lila keep this up all the time? “But, that’s not what you said on the tower when we fought that Akuma together.”

"What did you think I would say when you were obviously unfit to be a Hero! I didn’t want to risk you turning on me.”

“You didn’t think I was unfit when I helped save you and Chat Noir.” This time, it felt a little more realistic when she put the hurt look on her face, glancing away.

In the process, she caught sight of Adrien giving her a strange look. One she couldn’t really put a name to. But it was different than all of her other classmates. Why did he seem so much more confused than the others?

The girl scoffed, "leave my partner out of this." She demanded, and it felt like a desperate attempt at redirecting the conversation.

Fine. She could work with that too.

"You... do know that your 'partner' is my best friend, right?" She turned an apologetic look to Alya she only half meant, "sorry Als, but - you know," Marinette pointed between the two of them indicating the distance that had grown between them. They weren't nearly as close as they'd used to be. And while they were still friends, Marinette had a hard time categorizing her as her 'best friend'.

And the implication wasn't wasted on the reporter either. She was left staring wide with bewilderment and hurt. But Marinette was less positive it was because of not being best friends anymore and more that she hadn't told Alya that she spent time with one of the heroes she loved to chase.

"My partner would never hang out with someone like you."

God, she was just a broken record, wasn’t she? Did she really still think she was bluffing?

With a scoff and a soft shake of her head, Marinette pulled her phone from her pocket and swiped through her pictures until she found what she was looking for.

She wasnt trying to be smug about the way she flipped her phone around so she could show the class, but she definitely couldn't help the little smirk that pulled at her lips as the class gasped again, pulling closer so they could study the photo.

A photo of her and Chat Noir sitting a little too close together on her chaise lounge. Marinette sticking her tongue out at the camera, while chat gave the overly kawaii victory peace sign over his left eye like he was straight out of an anime. It was one of her favorites. They'd spent nearly the whole night binging on shows together after a particularly stressful day. The pictures had been a side effect of too much sugar, not enough sleep, and good company. And for some reason when Chat found out she’d been Multimouse, that increased her ‘coolness factor’ and they had something in common.

Of course, she couldn’t tell him that wasn’t the only thing they had in common.

Either way, it had brought them closer together as friends and they hung out often.

Which was a reprieve given that most of her friends had abandoned her anyway.

As Bianca stared a little blankly at the picture, a number of voices all began to pick up around them.

"You're actually friends with chat noir? That's so cool!"

“Does that mean you hang out with the other heroes too?”

“What is Chat Noir really like?”

"Wait, then that means you really were a hero? I thought heroes had to keep their identities secret."

That’s the one she’d been waiting on. Quickly silencing the others with a pointed look back at Bianca, "They do. But I'm not a hero anymore, am I Ladybug?"

"I-I..."

"Why was it again that I’m not allowed to be Multimouse again?" She put a thoughtful finger to her chin, but she felt her own fire building in her core, “I’m pretty sure it was nothing to do with being a menace to society.”

She tapped her chin a few more times, looking around deep in thought. Catching another glimpse of Adrien studying her carefully, but she refused to let his perfectness distract her because fuck these people.

Fuck the high road.

If he was going to be mad at her for standing up for her alter-ego then fuck him too.

But he didn’t seem mad.

In fact, as soon as she locked eyes with him, a slight smirk pulled at his lips. It was roguish and totally out of place on his angelic face, but goddamn did it do things for her.

But the smirk paired with the slightly raised brow aimed at her said, ‘Yes, what did Ladybug say?’

It’s sarcastic and playful and familiar in ways her heart is not ready to admit.

But that would have to come later.

Marinette spun back to the imposter, narrowing her eyes dangerously, "Oh right! Because I'd accidentally revealed my identity to Chat Noir. Because identities are supposed to remain a secret."

"W-well th-there are exceptions!" Bianca tries to defend, but Marinette isn’t going to let her.

“No, I think you, just like your supposed best friend, are a liar. You’re not Ladybug. You don’t know a damn thing about Ladybug. Because if you were, you’d already have been beaten. You’ve been in this classroom all of what, one day? And the entire class already knows your ‘identity’? We’re all lucky you aren’t one of the heroes, otherwise, Hawkmoth would already have won!”

She was fuming now. All of the emotions finally catching up with her. She thrust an accusatory finger at Bianca, making the girl stumble back slightly, “You don’t know a damn thing about what it takes to be a hero. What they have to sacrifice to keep people safe. Besides, Ladybug and Chat Noir don’t even know each other's identities - why the hell would Ladybug share something like that with a classroom full of people who’ve been Akumatized at least once and not share that with her own partner?!”

Whatever fear she’d instilled in the new girl quickly swapped for something much closer to fury as she reclaimed her balance and advanced on Marinette with a fire burning in her eyes. “How dare you call me a liar, you little fucking brat!”

Surprised at the outburst, Marinette didn’t move when she saw Bianca raise her hand to strike her, instead, closing her eyes and bracing for the blow.

A blow that never connected.

A gasp brought Marinette to peak open her eyes before they widened at the scene.

Bianca stood where she had previously, hand raised and poised to strike. But just behind her, Adrien had moved - impossibly quick, seriously when the hell had she gotten up? - and grabbed the girl’s arm, hand clutching tightly at her, keeping her still.

“A-Adrien!”

“That’s enough.” He hissed at her, voice low and threatening. “If it wasn’t clear before, it definitely is now. You’re not Ladybug. She would never raise a hand to a civilian like that!”

“B-but - !” Lila tried to come to her ‘friend’s’ defense but was silenced when he shot her an equally terrifying look.

“I’ve had enough of you trying to turn everyone against Marinette. I knew you both were lying when you ‘accidentally’ revealed Ladybug’s identity to me yesterday, but I didn’t have proof to prove it. You’ve been lying to everyone about everything!”

Wait... The way he’d said accidentally... why did it seem so familiar?

Her thoughts of the blonde-haired, green-eyed model were very suddenly replaced with thoughts of a similarly blonde-haired, green-eyed superhero who’d come looking for her on his night off, asking if she’d ever ‘revealed herself, accidentally or otherwise’.

“Adrien! Y-you’re hurting me!”

Marinette’s eyes were drawn to the boy’s hand, still tightly clutching Bianca’s in a vice grip that would likely leave bruises.

But that’s not what she was focused on. Instead, it was the familiar shape of his silver ring that drew her eye. Familiar because she’d seen him wear it since the first day she’d met him and never took it off.

Except for the day they’d done the shoot for her website.

The day she and Chat had to switch Miraculouses.

Adrien.

Adrien was Chat Noir.

Her kitty had been there the entire time.

That’s why he’d been so angry. That’s why he’d looked so upset. That’s why he’d come looking for her and asking such strange questions!

Because Lila and her lackey had chosen the one person who’d know for a fact that they were lying.

And if she thought she couldn’t love him any more than she already did, she was sorely mistaken.

“What is going on in here?!”

Great.

She didn’t pay much attention to the chaos that ensued after Madame Bustier had walked in the room. Lila and Bianca had claimed Marinette attacked and Adrien had stepped in to help her and they were both sent to the hall because a number of people started speaking up and coming to their defense, suddenly not blinded by Lila’s lies any longer.

But now, she was standing in the hall next to her crush and her partner.

“I’m so sorry Marinette.”

Her thoughts came to a startling halt as she turned wide eyes on him.

“I shouldn’t have ever told you not to call her out. I was stupid. I just hope you’ll forgive me someday.”

Marinette couldn’t help the smile that pulled at her lips, because how could she not have noticed? Model or not, that was the heart of her partner beating in that beautiful body of his.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Adrien. Besides, at least you checked your sources.” She chuckled, finding so much irony in that statement. If he hadn’t come looking for her, she probably wouldn’t have put it together.

He turned a confused look on her.

The smile she turned on him in return was brighter than she’d given anyone in some time, “I told you, didn’t I? You’d be the first to know.”

#miraculous ladybug #miraculousladybug #miraculous lb #ml fic #ml salt #mlsalt #lila rossi exposed #lila rosi lies #fake ladybug #imposter ladybug #ml class salt #protective adrien agreste #adrienette #miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir #ladybug and chat noir #miraculous ladybug fic #oneshot

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werevulvi · 3 years

Text

You know how often I ask myself, why can't I just be normal? It's quite a lot. I wanna talk about something I've never told anyone before, aside from a few strangers online. I've suppressed this my whole life, since childhood. I've acted with anger towards others with the same thing as me, told them how it's offensive and awful. Refused to allow myself to even think about my own urges and desires. It worked for a long time, until I wrote my book this summer, a fiction story about a couple who end up disabled from their dangerous work as assassins. My intentions were just... to try to give good representation and explore something I knew very little about.

So I did a lot of research into my characters' disabilities, and even briefly pretended to have those specific disabilities at home alone, just to get an idea of what it's like to manage daily life with them. It was just a writer's thing, just being a dedicated writer, I told myself, as I researched those disabilities far more in-depth than I did about assassins...

At one point, I would cover my eye with a makeshift eye patch, as one of my main character's loses an eye, and I... it brought forth what I had suppressed my whole life, and I can't suppress it anymore as a result of that. The bottled feelings have escaped and I can't put them back in again.

I think I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID.) There, I said it.

It's a very rare mental illness that makes you want to become disabled, usually in some very specific way. Most are males, and most desire amputation, but it can pertain to wanting blindness, deafness, or I guess, any conceivable disability. There's only been a few thousand reported cases, but it's also said to be a very secret disorder, so numbers are probably not accurate. It's very poorly researched, poorly understood, and still not recognized as an actual disorder. So you can't be diagnosed with it currently, and there are no set criteria for it. However, it will be in the upcoming ICD-11 (the International Classification of Diseases.) It will then also be re-named to Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID) as it's being recognized as a form of dysphoria, and as a neurological condition.

And now for the obligatory life story:

I don't remember when it started, but as a child, I'd say roughly age 5 or 7, I was obsessed with fictional characters that had a distinct scar over one eye, and either blind in that eye or entirely missing it. I would on occasion play around with a hand covering one eye, and wished I could have that for real. For a long time, I didn't know why I was so obsessed with that. If I was just admiring that kinda physical feature, or wanted it myself, or both. Throughout my teens and adulthood thus far, I've made a lot of drawings of people with only one eye, and scarred faces. I wrote another book back in 2013 with one of the main characters being a woman with a large scar across half her face. I've always been a little too fascinated with facial deformities, having only one eye, and facial assymmetry. And I've tried to express it with assymmetrical makeup looks (not made to look like I'm injured) throughout my teens and 20's.

So it's been with me for a very long time, even though I've tried super hard to suppress it, and tried to tell myself that I should just be happy to have a mostly abled body. But that wish/urge/whatever it is, has never gone away.

When I first heard of BIID, back in 2016 or so, I was angry, and thought of people with it as despicable. I was in deep denial of how much I could relate to them. Didn't want to think of that. But since learning more about the condition, and listening to others who have it, and learning it is actually a real condition... I guess that has helped me eventually come to this point that, well fuck... it me.

Up until recently, I thought it was just a self-harm desire, as I used to be a cutter, but now I understand that the self-harm was not the intention behind what I want with that, but merely the means to achieve it. Kinda like how I wanted to cut my own tits off before I had my double mastectomy. It wasn't about specifically wanting to injure my chest, but to not have tits anymore, and I much preferred the much safer way of doing it, through proper surgery. However, wanting half my face re-arranged is a little bit harder to achieve through elective surgery, even if surgeons were allowed to treat BIID through surgery. So I do not think my desire to get rid of my left eye and surrounding tissues is about wanting to harm myself. It's about wanting to have and live with the result of such an injury. Although I get that might be very unimaginable.

So then, have I ever made any attempts?

Yeah... I have. Once, I think it was when I was 22, I took a blade to my face, but chickened out, and ended up only making a very superficial cut on my cheek, which I was then extremely ashamed of. I didn't want for people to find out I had made it myself. Since then, I've stopped self-harming and have no desire to make a second attempt. I'm scared I'd fuck it up and cause damage I don't want, or... not enough damage. And I'm worried I'd be beyond myself with shame if I would take out my own eye and then other people would show sympathy for my injury, knowing I'd have caused it myself. I just kinda wish it would happen accidentally somehow.

So, to clarify, my BIID targets my left eye and left side of my face. Why left? Honestly because I'm deaf since birth on my left ear, so it would be extremely inconvenient to be deaf on one side and blind on the other. Much more manageable to have one side be blind-deaf and the other fully seeing and hearing. But at first it didn't matter to me so much which side of my face would be affected. I have no desire to become an amputee or fully blind. I also don't have a fetish for disabled people.

Would I date a disabled person?

Yes, but that's because some attractive people just so happen to be disabled, and I wouldn't think I'm particularly judgemental, not that I find their disabilities in and of themselves attractive.

I try to quell this desire, to lose an eye and half my face, by on occasion wearing an eye patch in secrecy. I know it can worsen my vision, but why on Earth would I mind that? It's kinda what I want. But my mom almost caught me wearing it today as she came by for a quick visit, and I have worn it at the grocery store, and out and about in my village. It feels so damn right, yet so fucking wrong...

Let's tackle this question as well: Do I feel like an ass towards disabled people?

Yes and no. Thing is, I'm already disabled myself. I'm not an abled person to begin with. I live on permanent sickness compensation, classified unable to work, for life, with little to no chance at improvement, due to my autism and adhd. I have the energy levels of an old cellphone that drops to 2% battery ten minutes after being fully charged every time. And I hate it. I hate that there's so much in life that I'll probably never be able to do. So disability, is already part of my life, and always has been. So why then would I want to become more disabled, instead of less? Well, yeah that is what I want...

I've faced a shit ton of ableism since childhood, and I actually think that's why I got BIID. Because my actual disability is invisible and not taken seriously in society. And I think that's what I deep down want: to just have my disability be visible and taken seriously. Physical disabilities are taken more seriously. I've even heard that straight from the mouths of people who have both mental and physical disabilities. How often have I not been called lazy for something I've been literally unable to do, just because I "look" capable? How often do I get to hear I "don't seem autistic?" How often do I get told that autism is not even a disability, but merely a personality trait and being socially awkward? How often do I get told I would be able to work if I just tried harder? All. The. Fucking. Time.

I think that's why, ever since I was a child, I've wanted to have a physical disability, which is fully visible, and cannot be ignored. And what's more visible than the face? We interact with it the most. Because I don't really want to be less capable or lose a lot of movement, I just want for my already disabled existence to be visibly disabled.

So that's a big reason for why I think I have BIID. Which is to say, I don't feel like I'm being an ass towards disabled people, because I'm already disabled to begin with, merely wishing I was more disabled and in a more visible way. Had I been abled to begin with, I think that would have been different, but even abled people with BIID don't choose to have this condition. I read a quote from a person with BIID, who got the amputation he wanted, and he said basically that he didn't know what's worse, having BIID or being disabled. I can relate to that. And I think that is the irony here, that simply having BIID is like being disabled in and of itself already.

That said, however, I do understand why disabled people would be greatly offended, angry, or otherwise insulted, by people with BIID. Honestly I cannot understand why they would not be. I'm greatly offended by people who say they wish they were autistic! And I'm offended at myself for wishing I had a facial deformity and only one eye. Why do I want this!? I keep trying to shake sense into myself. It's what's causing my shame and wishing I could just be normal. No disabilities, and no wish for disabilities I don't have. That'd be great.

There is one more aspect I also feel the need to tackle: Transabled.

BIID has recently been rather often labeled as "transabled" in the same vein as "transracial" (wanting to be another race) and transgender. As a transsexual, this comparison is of course something that I have not missed. I'm painfully aware. This is how I see it, alright: Although I do feel like my body integrity dysphoria is incredibly similar to my sex dysphoria, I feel like it would be extremely rude and tone deaf to identify as for example vision impaired, deaf or an amputee, without actually having those disabilities. And I do not know if anyone actually does this. As far as I've seen, some people with BIID may pretend to have the disability they want (like with me walking around with an eye patch despite having no medical need for it) but they don't lie about it, or they try hard to avoid ending up in a situation where they'd feel pressured to lie. So I dunno how much validity there even is in anyone with BIID genuinely identifying as transabled. But regardless of that, I think it's absolutely abhorrent to identify as disabled in ways you are not. And I'd never tell anyone that I'm missing an eye when I do not.

So, I really do not like the term "transabled" and much prefer the BIID and BID terms. I do not like BIID being conflated with being transgender, although I want to very carefully say that the two conditions are so incredibly similar, that... I think that's another big reason I ended up with both. That I've always felt a strong disconnect from my body, which has merely expressed itself in a wide array of ways, ranging from sex dysphoria to body integrity dysphoria, dissociation and even having previously identified as otherkin. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. But then what caused all of that? I don't think there is a simple answer, but a multitude of reasons, and it may even connect with my autism as well as my trauma.

So, I'd say most likely it's caused by a cocktail of neurological and social issues. I was just clearly meant to be a broken person, making the most of my life with the sucky cards I was dealt, and on good days... I guess I'm kinda okay with that. At least it's not boring. Let's end on that not super tragic note. Feel free to ask me anything, if you’ve got any questions.

#biid #body integrity dysphoria #body integrity identity disorder #finally accepting i probably have this #im not happy about it but it is what it is i guess #ok to rb #transabled #im only adding that tag bcos i know many dont know what the condition is actually called

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