For my bday i got so much art stuff, amzing thinga ive been looking at for a longer time...

But with my homwsituation, sometimes i just wanna smash it into a wall, i havent done art in a while, im a terrible artist now, my art skills degraded and i dont even have time to draw anymore...not talking about feeling incredibly depressed

TW: Venting, suicide, self harm, bullying.

So i gotta be real with me for a minute, like i hold stuff back even from those who i know are there to hear about my problems and are ready to help me if i ever needed too, but i was raised as a "Help yourself" kinda kid, my mom used to beat me and stuff, it was the bread of every day back then, but i was also bullied and often made fun of by other kids for whom i was, though it would go away with time but it only got worse.

I got to the point where i had to move schools after numerous times of me not wanting to go to school and telling my mom i was being bullied wich obiously she just said "kids are like this just man-up"

who says something like that to a kid?, after all of that i suppose i got a little bit of trauma to even be me since, fear to get bullied again, made fun of, and to be a victim.

but my mom didnt even helped when i needed to and only got me worse, after a time i was a "quiet kid", and i didnt mind it i grew up being all alone and stuff, still i was still talking with some kids but mostly i keeped to myself drawing away my time, but still hearing what sorounded me, how kid think that i would be the first to go, or the kind of kid that would bring a knife and cut himself, i just didnt told nobody and moved on, on high school i was cut off everyone else, the tenage hormones making their precense didnt helped me get throu but still i somehow survived more exclucion and detachment from others kids and still got called names, i was 12 and was considering to jump off the 3rd floor of my building and still i was surviving somehow.

I belive that i was just going throu some bad situations, and stuff would get better, than my loneliness would go away and could make friends and stuff, but i graduated sitted alone, my group had planed ahead to got me in the spot where i wouldnt even be with someone from other group, and i wasnt holding it during that day i got mad like i never had i feel before, i just wanted to cry my eyes out, die on the spot, i was loosing my shit, my mom saw me on the edge of crying and all she got to say was "boys dont cry", that stuck in my head for a whille, she never in her life had been there for me, in my lowest momments she just mocked me, was petty and i didnt wanted a solution to my problems anymore i wanted payback, thats where my relation with my mom finally got broken, started refering to her by her name, refused to do stuff, and just a couple of years ago, got me paying my self for my own stuff, i got my own apartment, lost a couple of years before i could get into a university, i started to feel more comfortable with my self, got a Bf and discovered my self in the procces, but the ideas where still hanging on the back of my mind, hurting my self, ending it, i consider it a couple of times, but told my self i couldnt do it, that i would hurt my Bf at the time....

We broke up shortly after i got into university, my mom suddently appeared in my life again, called me names, got fired from my job, and struggle with money for a month.

but i was fine i was.....i never been fine, i told my self i never be a victim, that i would never be made fun of again, that i would end my loneliness, and in the procces i got my self cut apart from everyone else, i though i had it all pulled togheter but i was merely blinded and i was never fine, i was holding by a thread, i alway denied my own fellings, this sadness this anger and this depression, all the ideas i had scratched for fear to get judged, and became shy to even try to ask for help, and i want to be done with that i want solutions, my iner child is asking for me to be free, this dome i put around him to protect him must be lifted break this self deprication and to ask for the help i need

To my past self i want to say im sorry, i should have be me from the start, i should have accepted to be the weird and happy child i wanted to be, to my new self i want you to learn to accept that mistakes are there to be enbraced not to be feared and that only from them you can get better at what you want and to dont give yourself up because it didnt worked the firts time

i already hate this year dude and its only been 3 days into it i have been stuck with the devil, lost my best friend, been getting horrible pain since december, my insomnia has drastically gotten worse, i realize how i cant open up to literally anyone anymore (besides my bf), my dad has been extremely sick, my self harm cuts are starting to show all around my body, my mom yelled at me for having no irl friends, im getting called emo every day now (i hate when people call me emo dude), im too scared to talk to people, my stepmom is slowly starting to realize shit, my 21st attempt of suicide didnt work, my stepbrother is in prison and hes the only one i really talked too, my brother wants me dead, my mom couldnt care less about me (as usual), im getting sicker and sicker everyday, my body became more weak, my anxiety has also increased, my teacher is back and hes gonna see right through me, my boyfriend might start to get annoyed by me, my hallucinations are much worse, i keep seeing demons idk- literally losing my bestfriend was like the icing on my fucked up cake- i was literally gonna bring him his late Christmas gift tomorrow today too- idk wtf im supposed to do with it now. I only have 2 irl friends now and my boyfriend. Thats all I talk to. I dont even see juanny (one of my irl best friends) much anymore. I barley talk to him and hes the one who told me that my other best friend wanted to drop me. The only reason why I see my second and last best friend now is because i have 2 classes with her but besides that, i dont see her at all

and the best friend i lost i saw everyday in the morning and during his lunch when im on my way to choir speaking of best friends, my old bff adri keeps making me do her fucking bidding and idk dude and dani's birthday is now in 10 days- shes gonna be 14 dude ive known her since she was 10 and it breaks my heart we arent friends anymore and evan is gonna be 18 next month which is crazy- ive known him since he was 14. this is already a really hard year. with everything going on with my father, and him always yelling about him killing himself and gonna die soon, it only makes me think i'll lose him. I love my dad so fucking much dude- i cannot lose him but i see only the worst coming because of all this. If my dad dies when im still in these conditons im ggonna be with my mom for the rest of my highschool years, my stepmom will be gone, i'll never see my older brothers again, nor my cousin, or my stepmoms family. I'll be stuck with that fucking thing for the next 3 years all alone in this room where it feels like im always being chained to a wall. idk whats happening anymore- nothing makes sense i wanna give up- life isnt worth living- im about to lose all my online friends too dude im gonna go back to 2019- when i was gone from the internet for like 2 years and when i came back, everything and everyone was gone im gonna be all alone again and just trapped in my mind with my hallucinations and my nightmares my mom only encourages me to kill myself, shes the worst. My stepmom is more of a mom than her and I hate her a lot of the time too but I still love her just because she was here for me when my mom wasnt. My mom doesnt know my first words, she doesnt know what things i like, she doesnt know anything much about me. She has to go through my phone and look at my conversations when Im alseep. She doesnt even give me privacy. Meanwhile my stepmom knows me, but she doesnt know my first words cause she wasnt around when i was that young since i started talking at like 9 months old but like the point is shes there to help me with school, do everything for me, be there for me, and literally everything my mom has never ever in her pathetic little preppy pick me girl life. my dad told me that my mom made him almost killl himself- if he did, i would have been an orphan. my mom only takes care of me because of the childsupport money my dad is forced to give her every month. and she tried doubling it like a little bitch because i started calling my stepmom "mom". if my dad were to have killed himself, idk what the fuck my life would have been like but it might be better without her tbh and yeah like sure my dad used to be abusive as shit but my stepmom saved me from that and everything

so hes fine now i mean he had one slip back in march, but besides that hes been okay. i'll never like new years. not only do i have to think about my grandma who was murdered when my dad was only 9, but i have to worry for my father because its like the day he wants to die the most. This was the first year not being with him on new years to cheer him up- i was so worried, and it turned out i was right for being worried. Not getting into that. This year is so rough already within the first 3 days, I hate it I HATE IT SO MUCH DUDE. im sorry idk anymore. I fucking hate this

8 things im grateful for list 3:09am smoking weed in my garage

Went to pride today and 1.they let me bring in my bong 2.my friend drove(so i didnt have to deal w the stress of parking and navigating) 3.her bf paid for all of us to get in and i walked past an 8 dollar necklace that was really cool but that i figured i shouldnt buy bc i was feeling guilty abiut spending 40 dollars on weed when i owe 1k bc i got in a car crash .even though in retrospect, i spend 7-10 dollars on a meal like it's nothingggg and im like umm obviously thats wort it bc its delicious and the highest luxury to have somebdy else prepare u food bc ive been the onky one preparing food for myself prety much for the lat 7 or 6 years but the thing is the necklace wouldve also been worth it so i was like ok get ur head on Straight.. is 8 dollars clutching-my-pearls-too-muchh money to spend or is it whatever-impulse-buy money Uknow, and i was like, (the necklace was a cross btw) it wouldve been fun to get soemthing jesus themed at pride also i love jesus and i lost one of my favorite cross necklaces (I want to call it a crucifix bc thats such a prettier word than cross but technically i think the crucifixes are the oens that have jsesus's body on them) Anyway then i walked into a booth and i was like wait oh em gee a jesus drawstring bracelet i actually thought it was saint judas and i have a green saint judas prayer candle and this was green and black cord w a picture of jesus or saint judas im still not really sure which and then i was like how much and the guy said 5 dolalrs and i was like ok i can do 5 dolalrs but in my head im like damn 5 dollars thats homophobic its pride month im at pride and ur overcharging me like thatt but i just gave him a 5 but he gave me a dollar back its like he read my mind so i ended up getting 4. a $4 jesus themed bracelet from pride and now im wearing three bracelets 2 on my left wrist (where the jesus/saintjudas is now joining the half heart of my invader zim friendship bracelet w gir on it) and 1 on my right this dingy looking ass leather brown thread drawstring bracelet that has a silver bullet w wings on it and the bullet says Love (and i have a ring that matches it on my left pointer finger that is a gold heart that says Love) BUt the wing broke off but it's ok im not taking it off bc i refuse to at this time 5. bestie got me an italian vape, a pack of italian camels aka zebras or sumn, a star candle holder and a star neckalce bc she know i love stars and the star neckalce is so slayful af. never taking it off core..... and a book from the place wheresshe saw david of michelangelo. 6.and i went to an outdoor acoustic guitar show and it was awesome and beautiful honestly and 7. i remembered to do my freckles before bed 8.i have plans tomorrow 8. i quit a job that wasnt serving me and found new employment within a day that was double the salary of my old job which i feel extremely privileged to have been in the position to do 9.i'll be working with my good judy at this job 10. i have weed,a vape,blue hair,a car,piercings,a star tattoo,and im Alive and im 19 and im fucking so grateful ive been so miserable and depressed lately and theres no real Thing i can attribute this negativity to which has, in turn, been making me frustrated i cant understand myself with ease and frustration makes it easier to fall deeper into negativity and im always just fighting myself wishing again for a time of peace but the point is i get so wrapped up in the drama of my mental Fight and while The Struggle isReal life is so much more than THE STRUGGLE. LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THE STRUGGLE. I am happy i am alive. (It feels so radical to say that rn.When i get depressed it's like i dont care what happens to me or my body and i dont recognize that life is an intense privilege)I am happy i am not dead i am happy i am alive i am happy i am getting older because i am happy i am growing and continuing to grow and i am happy i remember i have endless choices in this world and even if i wanna wear reboks and be in my 'boks my ideas are outside of the box. i am happy i am alive

and i have so many more oppurtunites than i did a motnh ago and it's important for me to sit back. realize that. &be grateful for that

A final good bye and final log out

This is not a suicide not so no need to worry. Many of you that follow me probably barely remember my blog, it wasnt very big or fancy. I barely know how to code or make my blog look like anything but, that is neither here nor now. I wanted to say good bye I have a bad habit of leaving without saying anything and disappearing for weeks at a time. I guess abusive relationships will teach you that. I went silent on this blog around 3 years ago when I started college. But I wanted to talk about why I started this, the ending will be saved most obviously till the end. I started this blog in a way to find friends, in 2012 internet friends were all the rage and I wanted to be a part of that so I started a tumblr. But was not active on it till 2014. In high school I grew a bit of a following around sophomore year 2015. I would constantly rant on this account and people would watch but not say much. It bothered me a bit that I was never “Tumblr Famous” but I knew people who were, so I would live on through them. Tumblr a lot in high school, I was too afraid to do anything but I knew in the back of my mind that I would get there in my own time. Tumblr, in that sense was kind to me and never made me feel like I had to be pressured to do anything and would constantly educate me from maters of social justice and the Black Lives Matter movement, sex education, gender expression, sexuality, art and astrology. I saw all the drama and surprisingly enough stayed away from the super toxic side of tumblr pushing minors to do more and more and more.  It was safety net and whenever my parents would do what they do best I always had the arms of my blog to run and cry to. It made the darkest days a little brighter, people reblogging free movie sites and calming gifs were my saving grace when I was 14 and suicidal. As high school went on I found myself in a relationship and put all my time, money, effort, energy, my whole being into this one person who would end raping me an using my past against me. I was still active and would talk about him on here including our fights. But as the fights got more violent and heated, the less I would post about him and one day all together I stopped posting on here, for what I thought was for good. I wanted to reach out on tumblr and ask “is any of this normal?” “why do we fight so much?” “is it normal for your partner to make you feel this afraid?” “is it normal for them to talk about sex 24/7″ “is it normal to feel afraid and cry during sex?” I wanted to reach out so badly. I knew I couldn’t and it was a stupid reason why I couldn’t. I was afraid of the judgment, because no one here talks about the small intricacies of domestic violence and how it breaks down every part of you. So I went quiet, I stopped talking about him, stopped posting him and he never care. I was put on meds after he raped me, stopped sleeping and eating. After the meds failed to stop the development of PTSD I started smoking and drinking heavily. After all of that I stopped being on tumblr because things were not the same and stuff that made me happy before just stopped bringing me joy. I thought no one here would care about what I have to say and his words and actions confirmed that even more. Eventually I broke it off 8 months later and my friends never believed me that he was abusing me. Life is better now, I lived abroad, I have an apartment with a new boyfriend, hes nice we have our ups and downs but we came from a hard life so someone loving you is a hard thought to accept for both of us. We both have toxic cycles we need to break but he’s good and he’s teaching me to be kind. I would love to continue on this hellsite but I have other things now, bigger and better things. I am just simply a ghost now of a website where I used to poor out all of my traumas and for one last time I will do that. For any 16 year old who stumbles across this post please read through till the end (if you can) because I want to tell you things I wish someone told me at 16/ entered my first relationship.

Your bf, gf and/or partner should never do/say these things and other small warning signs of DV 

1. if sex hurts a lot for you it is because you are not comfortable, communicate this and if they refuse to understand why leave 

2. If your partner scares you so much to the point where you have a panic attack thinking about them, then leave 

3. you will fall out of love in your first relationship, as shitty as it is, it’ll happen. It’s okay, you can leave. Just like you out grow clothes you will outgrow people. 

4. let people leave, I know this is hard to accept but people will leave and the universe will have something in store for you 

5. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE HAVING SEX AT 16 IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 19 IT IS NORMAL!

6. it is normal for you and your partner to have conversations about what to say when people constantly ask you if yall have done the deed it is not normal for your partner to tell you to lie and say you have (when you havent); leave if they do this trust me 

7.If your partner is asking about sex 24/7 and its making you uncomfortable then say something, maybe they don’t mean any harm by it! but if once you’re done with the convo and it didn’t make you feel better you should leave 

8. its okay to leave 1st relationships aren’t meant to last 

9.something my mom said that made me feel better: just because you’re breaking up now doesn’t mean you’re breaking up forever 

10. please don’t force yourself to have sex it’s a very toxic cycle. Easy to get into but hard to break out of 

11. you can be alone, you don’t have to date all the time

12. if your partner's parent is bullying you tell your partner that it makes you uncomfortable talk to them about it. Now I understand parents are hard especially when your 16 and younger (hell parents @ 21 are still tough to deal with) and if your partner says “well I can’t tell them off because of xyz” then make a compromise on how to deal with the situation. If your 1st partner’s parents don’t like you it’s not the end of the world and if bugs you that much YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 

13. on the other hand if you tell your partner, they don’t take it seriously and they still beg you to visit their family then leave, you’re not married you’re young I will probably say this a thousand more times BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 

14. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE, YES IT WILL SUCK, YES YOU’LL CRY AT EVERYTHING BUT IT IS OKAY NOTHING IS PERMANENT AND THAT IS A GOOD THING 

15. do not waste your first relationship on couples counseling ( yes I did that and he still owes me $250 for the session I was dumb & 17 don’t get mad @ me) 

16. if your relationship makes you extremely angry leave, that anger means something, listen to it. 

17. if you are like me and was raised in a very abusive household with parents that constantly abuse you just know that not every relationship is like that and you won’t be like them but, you have to actively work on it not just say it out loud (BUT it does help saying it out loud, v comforting) 

18. if you break up, stay broken up (sometimes it works out for the better if they really want you they’ll try) 

19. NEVER LET YOUR PARTNER’S MOM DICTATE WHERE YOU GO TO COLLEGE TRUST ME YOU WILL REGRET IT 

20. if you are begging for the basics leave 

21. if they ignore your food allergy leave 

22. if they’re a mama’s boy please leave 

23. if they ignore your fears leave 

24. if they think violence is casual and necessary for relationships leave 

25. listen to their ex’s even if you take it with a grain of salt please listen 

26. if you need to come up with an escape plan you’re in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship 

27. it’s okay if you don’t have the courage to leave right now but know, you can’t stay forever 

28. if they use past trauma against you, leave. 

also a word of advice for friends who know people who have been in DV situations

1. if we trauma dump just know we are sorry but please stop us and talk through it later (if you can) 

2. don’t ask why they didn’t leave sooner it’s not your buisness 

3. we don’t know we are being abused, if you know but we don’t please be patient. The mind is a tricky thing. 

4. DO NOT SAY “how did you not know” “you’re stupid for not knowing” “you’re making it up” “told you so” or anything else condescending, we feel stupid and we just want support 

well that’s all I have folks! Thank you tumblr for all the laughs and all the cringe.  I hope this post is insightful and please feel free to add on.

love <3 

Punk-Rock-Uncle :) 

Karma, or bollocks?

I wanted to write what's happened in my life for a while, well, my adult life. I find writing very therapeutic and something I have enjoyed doing since I was 13, so 16 years now.

I haven't found the need too, but now, I do.

It's going to paint myself in a bad light, or a good light, you can judge I am fine with that, I have lived with these choices for a long time, some more recently fair to say.

In the words of Nickelback 'Something's gotta go wrong cos I'm feeling way too damn good'

I always say out of every negative, and there can be alot, there is a least one positive. I hope by the end of this, I find that positive.

So the beginning, kind of. October 2012.

I was with a girl, but went to America for a month with my best friend at the time. He used to live there and I came into a bit of money, always wanted to go to the states, and had the most wonderful month.

About 2 weeks in I got a scent that something was happening between my partner and someone else, and I was right. I snooped on her Facebook inboxes, and found she had been talking to a girl, more than talking really, flirting, saying she wish she could be with her, the usual jazz. Which, I had done myself previously, and I deserved it to happen to me. I jumped from relationship to relationship for years, my therapist said it was because I didn't feel loved by my mum after years of abuse, I always went from woman to woman to find the love, and I agreed.

When I came back, I was expecting to break up with her, but I was about to look after my friends dog in his flat for an unknown period of time, and she had told her mum this, so her mum kicked her out.

With nowhere to live, I felt like it was now my responsibility, so we spoke and worked on things.

A few months down the line, she fell pregnant, and I was over the moon. I always wanted the family life, even after the red flag, but unfortunately she miscarried.

Then things changed slightly. Controlling behaviour, both our heads in the wrong places, still trying to hold a relationship together, and of course still sleeping together, and she fell pregnant, again.

This time I was at fault, I didn't wanna be with her, and I figured she was going through my phone, so I left her things to find so we could break up.

Then I felt horrible. I left my pregnant partner. Regardless of if I wanted to be with them, I should not of done that, at that time, so we got back together, and she miscarried, again.

2 back to back nearly killed us both off. So I made it clear I didn't want to try again and she went onto the pill.

Which she then stopped taking, and on her highest ovulation day she got me drunk, we fucked, and she fell pregnant a third time.

Not wanting to make the same mistake, I stayed. For a while. The thought that someone just went behind my back to get pregnant after I made it clear I couldn't cope with another miscarriage brewed. I had already struggled with mental health from the years of abuse by my mum, I didn't want to go through a third and come out alot worse.

We got to 12 weeks, and everything was okay with baby, but I knew I needed out. It was a massive betrayal of trust, and I could no longer trust her.

Her birthday came up, then Christmas and New year, so I didn't act on this, I didn't want to cause more stress and miscarry again.

In Jan 2014, after a month of just basically both of us talking to other people, I ended it, and a month later I was with someone else. Needless to say, it wasnt a good thing. I felt like I was being blackmailed by my ex to do all these things just so I could see my unborn. I always wanted children, and said I would do anything to see them as often as possible.

In May that child was born, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The blackmail continued and in August it all came out that I had been essentially having an affair, not that I wanted it, and that caused strain on my relationship at the time. I was wrong, very very wrong to do what I did, and should of stood my ground, but maybe the rest of this story will show you how hard that would of been.

Things were hard, I was being stopped from seeing my child as often as I liked, and it was a case of 'can you have her tomorrow' always at short notice, and always having to juggle work around that. When I couldn't change shifts at short notice, things got worse. Arguing on her side, emotional abuse, the works. Child as a weapon.

After a few months, I would say February 2015, contact turned very very minimal.

In March, my partner cheated on me twice, with the same person, but I loved her and accepted that as she accepted my actions the year before. And we moved passed it, even if it was on the anniversary of my mum's death.

A few more months down the line, the contact with my child stopped completely, and over the years no matter how hard I tried, for a while, I got nowhere.

My partner cheated on me a further 3 times, and in 2016 she left me for someone else. 7 weeks later we found out she was pregnant.

She told me she hadn't slept with the guy the first 2 weeks but she was 7 weeks pregnant. So we got back together. I was dating someone, someone I wanted to date for a while, but felt this was the right thing to do. If I had one chance to make it work I had to take it. I didn't miss an appointment, and I only just missed the birth. Then we did the DNA, and in the best Jeremey Kyle moment of all time, she told me she wanted a family with me regardless of the result, we would be a family and a day later, the DNA test showed that I was not the father.

I was okay for a few weeks, but I couldn't live with looking at a child that should be mine all the time whilst not being alllowed to see my own, once I said that, she left.

Then out of nowhere, my ex rings me, and I see my eldest for a while, a month or 2, before she got back with her fella and the contact stopped, again.

Then I lost my job, and had nothing. Time to rebuild, whilst being off sick for 3 years.

In that time I met someone, they were super nice and we had good times, but truthfully, I was still hung up on my ex for 2 years, and then I chose to settle. I hadn't had nice before, things were good. I thought I would finally grow to love her, and I did to some aspect, but I never fell in love.

Then one day, in February 2020, I walk into a shop and there she was. The person all these soppy love quotes are about, the person I dreamed of meeting since I was teenager, stood before my very eyes. At that point I knew I had to break up with my partner. If you look at someone else then you should not stay with the person you are with. I went in a further 3 times and every time all I could think was wow.

Then lockdown happened, and well, signs were there that my partner was pregnant. When lockdown ended in the summer, she came to mine, and low and behold, she was. 23 weeks pregnant.

We had one week to decide and we booked everything for an abortion, but, I was born at 24 weeks, so we both opted against it.

In September, I applied for a job at where the girl I always wanted to be with/find, and got it. At the same time, my partner gave birth.

I pushed my feelings to one side. They only grow when I think someone might be interested and that certainly wasn't the case. I now had a family to provide for, and that family life I always wanted with a nice, lovely, good looking girl, plus, the girl I liked and her bf both worked there, and I got on with both of them, so my feelings kind of disappeared to the back of my mind.

Then the job was made permanent, at a time when my relationship was failing, and over the course of a few months, things creeped in that made me unhappy, and I was so pissed off with myself that I just settled knowing it wasn't what I wanted. Stupid me, everything I wanted and got turned to dust, I thought being with someone nice meant that I would get the happy ending and a family life, but life doesn't work out like that.

But fate has its way sometimes. I had found my dream girl, I got the job, it was permanent, and out of all the people I worked with it was her I went to for advice, and it appeared we had similar thoughts, but also, we were both unhappy in our relationships to some extent, and I just got contact with my eldest again, for a while at least.

Then something amazing happened. She flirted. I couldn't believe it either, and then we became good friends, that helped each other out.

I spoke to my partner, told her I was unhappy, and we tried to work on it, but it got worse and my mind was made up. So I pretty much made it clear to the girl I worked with I liked her. I told her she was my type, and she seemed interested if i was gonna break up with my partner, and I was. Then I reacted to some pictures of her on her insta story, where she looked absolutely out of this world, and then suddenly we knew we had to break up with our partners.

She wanted to call a break but fate had its way again and they actually called things off, and so did I. Not to get with each other, but because we knew we were unhappy whilst being made happy by someone else. We had both checked out our relationship a while back, I guess we just forced each others hand.

Its not been a month, and I am crazy in love, but we aren't together, as much as I want that. We are taking things slow in terms of commitment and I am okay with that. I never thought I'd get this far. I only imagined we would go out on a works Christmas do or something and I might slide it in there how I feel, so the fact this all happened has been crazy.

Talking everyday, seeing each other often, and our first proper date coming up, and I am really living the dream.

But now, I haven't seen my eldest in months, and when I asked, she is 'too busy,' imagine if I said that.

Now I just get ignored often by both, and whilst I have had the month of my life, the bad is happening.

I'm now worrying its going to be 2 children I don't see, and that really would be karma for all the hurt I caused.

But at least I have you, my light in the dark times, you really really make me happy, and I have never felt like this before. Thank you for being there, and making me feel on top of the world.

Just to be shot back down by 2 people, ignoring, and making life difficult.

So is this karma, or is it bollocks.

Uncommon opinion, I feel that Sander didn’t text britt to breakup with her during S3. She seemed genuinely confused when Sander said “How many times do i have to tell you”

Oh hard disagree but because you have to think like a teenager. At my age I would never text or call to break up with someone. It would be face to face but these are teenagers and it was like 6 months. I am not saying its right to text or call but we see Sander slowly mentioning how Britt can be controlling but I think its a reaction to her probably sensing Sander pulling back and since all that shit happened with Jens her spidey senses go off and she holds on for dear life. I also think in her head britt decides to take on a role that Sander never asked her too. She sees herself as his savior or something but Sander never asked that of her. She has constructed this idea in her mind but ya know Britt is young and young women sometimes fall into the trap of well “I can change him” (newsflash you can't). I think Sander framed everything as a break “to think” to cut her off softly and I think he did that before the cuddle clip (concerning the reunion the night after the attack, I think he probably told her that was a mistake. His head was all over the place) but she wasnt getting the clue. I think at the school he just lost his cool and probably got into the head space of “your only going to get this if am an absolute dick about it because you wont listen”. 

I get this mentality because I ave been in the position where your like I dont want you like that anymore and you keep repeating yourself and the person wont listen and so finally you’re like fine am gonna be an absolute dick to drive the point home. ITs not a good way to communicate but some people really wont get it any other way. Like Sander literally kisses Robbe in front of her school he doesnt even hide it or try to hesitate. He strait up says I do not want you to her face and she still calls him her bf when he is getting placed in the ambulance. Like honey..... catch a damn clue this man isn’t into you. 

What are some of your favorite Jeynsa ideas or headcanons?

Modern AU

1. Sansa & Jeyne are each other's oldest friend, having met at age 4 in kindergarten.

2. It was Jeyne who realized first that she had romantic feelings for Sansa when they were 14. However, she was terrified of Sansa finding out and their friendship ending. So she dated boys to distract herself. She lost her virginity at age 18 to her first boyfriend. He was sweet & considerate with her and would have made a lovely boyfriend for anyone else. But Jeyne had felt totally numb afterwards, knowing she made a huge mistake. A few months later Jeyne used the excuse of graduating HS for them to break things off.

3. It was hard for Jeyne because Sansa was obviously very beautiful and well, guys noticed. She had to tell herself that it wasn't her business who Sansa dated, or if she wanted a boyfriend. However Sansa only went on a few dates in high school (Harry Hardyng, Cley Cerwyn) but none of it was really serious.

4. Sansa & Jeyne went to prom together. Jeyne had broken up with her boyfriend & although Sansa had been asked by someone else, she insisted that she and Jeyne go together instead. It was one of the happiest nights of Jeyne's life. For a while, she got to pretend that she & Sansa had gone together as a couple, and not just best friends. However reality came crashing in when Sansa went to have a dance with her almost-date. Jeyne saw Sansa's shy smile & her stomach fell.

5. In college things got worse. Sansa was in the throes of first love. Jeyne wanted to be happy for her but she was eaten up with jealousy and longing. It affected their friendship. Sansa couldn't understand why her bf didn't seem to like Jeyne, or Jeyne him. Eventually Sansa & Jeyne had a huge fight in their second year of college. Torn between wanting to save a friendship that was over 10 years old but unable to get over her feelings for Sansa, Jeyne decided to cut ties with Sansa.

6. This was devastating for both of them, especially Sansa. She missed Jeyne terribly & blamed her bf. She started comparing him to Jeyne in her mind & Jeyne always came across better. Like the fact that she & Jeyne had more things in common. Like the fact that Sansa felt like she could be truly vulnerable and real with Jeyne, unlike with her bf even though they had actually been intimate something that Sansa always felt like that was most close you could be with someone. However she had felt closer to Jeyne in a way she didn't her bf. Her earliest & some of her happiest memories.

7. A few months after Jeyne & Sansa stopped speaking, Sansa broke things off with her bf. It was mutual. Her bf had picked up on Jeyne's feelings for Sansa however because he was actually a decent guy he did not say anything, believing it wasnt his place & also feeling that Jeyne wouldn't appreciate being outed (Both Jeyne & Sansa are I guess bi-sexual here)

8. Sansa was afraid to reach out to Jeyne, fearing that Jeyne wouldn't want to talk to her. It ended up affecting her grades and appetite. In the end it was actually Arya who ended up reaching out to Jeyne & telling Jeyne that Sansa needs to see her.

10. Jeyne went over their house that very night. they spent hours talking things over & crying. when Jeyne left later she felt hope. at that point she didn't think she & Sansa would ever be together but she realized she had missed sansa too much to not be in her life.

11. the girls spent the summer before third year together - taking a last minute trip to highgarden using savings from both their jobs. they had a brilliant time together.

12. during their time together in Bravvos Sansa began thinking more and more about the reason why she broke things off with her bf. She knew it had something to do with Jeyne, however it was not until that last night on the beach that she finally realized the truth. She loved Jeyne. Sansa Stark did not act impulsively. Things were planned with her. However without thinking, she kissed Jeyne.

13. After the kiss ended, Sansa looked at Jeyne. Fearing the worst, Sansa started apologizing and said she was sorry, she didn't know what came over her before Jeyne told her to shut up. "I'm not sorry you kissed me, Sans. I'm sorry it wasn't sooner."

14. Jeyne & Sansa kept their relationship a secret for a while before telling their families . arya likes joke and say that she is the reason their relationship exists, as she had been the one to contact Jeyne.

15. Sansa & Jeyne would sometimes exchange handwritten love letters.

16. Once they got a dirty, homophobic comment directed at them kissing in public. "Completely unnatural." Sansa ended up turning around and snapping at the offender. "How is loving my girlfriend 'completely unnatural? What's unnatural is your limited world view."

17. their wedding dance song was "at last" by Etta James.

(be warned, this is all over the place lmao)

dearest rain, i have no fucking words. when i saw the warnings for this chapter, i thought that maybe what happened the night they first met would come up in conversation but no. no. you had to hurt me in the best way possible😭😭😭😭😭😭 when i tell u i had to pause reading to just. silently screech. u best believe it because i did!!! i’ve lost track of how many times i’ve reread this chapter because the first time i read it, i was practically speeding through it because i was at the edge of my seat😭 this chapter was just so dynamic, if that makes any sense?? oh my god, i love how vulnerable they were this chapter, both literally and metaphorically!!

and thE ARM TOO

i kinda registered it subconsciously like,, huh. his arm is injured. so was his mom’s. hmm. interesting. buT THEN U POINTED IT OUT AND IT FINALLY CLICKED. THE ARM. HIS LEFT ARM GOT INJURED, AND SO WAS HIS MOM’S LEFT ARM, AND THEY BOTH GOT INJURED WHILE TRYING TO PROTECT THE ONE THAT THEY LOVE AND [clench]

i know i sent an ask about it already but wheW. the sheer genius that is this chapter. i literally had to take a few days to just collect my very scattered thoughts because holy shit rain. it’s AMAZING

and there are two parts that stick out to me the most (but i feel like u meant it that way lol) and is it no surprise that the two scenes that now live in my head rent free are the scenes where they put themselves directly in harm’s way to protect the other?? to cite a specific part though, this part right here:

“[…] and you, you who has never held a weapon before in her life, you who has lived to heal and mend instead of hurt, what can you do right now but to die?”

THIS PART RIGHT HERE OFFICER. THIS PART RIGHT HERE. even now just seeing it, it makes me want to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. something about it is just so… haunting. it’s not fear or desperation, really—it’s the quiet realization (acceptance?) of the fact that holy shit, this is where i die.

and the way you could just feel the desperation in yoongi to save her, to keep her from ever getting hurt, ma’am i am speechless😭😭😭

i’ve always known that you’re a fantastic writer, but this chapter… damn. this is you pulling out the big guns. you have gone above and beyond anything i could have possibly dreamt of. it’s just,,, holy shit i’m out of words. that’s it. i’m dead. deceased. eviscerated.

(also, i’m SUPER curious as to what this will mean for their relationship🤔 i really don’t think the people who attacked them will get off scot-free (if there r any survivors lol), but also why do i feel like our dear mc will get into trouble for this🤔🤔🤔🤔)

WHEW DAMN THIS WAS A LONG ONE,,,, ANYWAYS MISS RAIN I HOPE U R WELL!!! I HOPE LIFE IS TREATING U GOOD, AND I HOPE U KNOW THAT EVERY TIME U POST/TWEET ANYTHING RELATED TO CROSS-STITCHING, THE MORE I WANT TO TRY IT TOO🤣🤣 -🌿

BABYYYYY i literally love u this is SUCH a sweet message to send. it meanas so much to me that youre re-reading this chapter bc its a really special one to me so i hope it can be that for you too 😭😭

ahhaha YES THAT LINE omg when i wrote it i really wanted that pain to come thru. i literally sent it to my bf & he was like “wow u wanna hurt ur readers huh” LOOOOL. but yes, that juxtaposition between her position as a healer instead of fighter 😭😭😭😭 and YES ofc i had to highlight the way he was willing to throw it all away for her. he wasnt thinking rationally then. he was just doing what his brain screamed at him to do ahhhhh. WE LOVE YOONGI IN THIS HOUSEHOLDDDDD

thank u so much 🤧 u are so kind babe 💓 this chap definitely pushed me to the extent of my abilities so im glad it came out well ;-;  i hope you enjoy what’s coming up next heheh 👀 ALSO U SHOULD CROSS-STITCH!!! it’s such a fun, relaxing hobby. i really love it ✨

I lost my old accounts do to my lack of a memory so yeah but i really need the community right now. My frienda are here for me and understand what im going through although being cheated on while in a bdsm relationship and romantic is something they haven't been through. I met a guy a while back and on day one i fell in love with him he was perfect. Needy like me, loved games like me, open minded, accepted my k!nks and my coping mechanism that isnt k!nk. We were long distance and i dont do pictures or videos but i grew to trust him first he became my master because my frienda thought dating would be too fast. After a week or so he asked me to be his on my winter solstice he gave me this beautiful amulet that said for my kitten on it... i was sooo happy no one has ever put that much money or energy into me... we would call everyday and than everynight we would go to sleep on the phone. We had the same kinda messed up humor... day before yesterday... a woman who followed him followed me i didnt think anything about it because i trust him... for two days he wasnt ablw to call but he was active on instagram all night so i assumed he was hanging with his friends. I felt uneasy but i pished it out as i hate the insecurities of mine and my doubt... Well after a bunch of drama of a woman trying to break us up and him saying hell never cheat and showed me messages of his side and i knew he wouldnt... within an hour he asked me how i knew the woman eho followed me the day before. I replied with she folliwed me idk her though why...

Master: the jiggs is up.

Me: ???

Master: Shes my mistress, i thought i could have both and it not being cheating.

This is when she messaged me saying to back of and how he was hers. And how she said he voulsnt have both that he was her pet and her bf... we were dating a bit past a month now and i had placed so much trust in him... seny lewd videos and pictures at my most vulnerable... we both wanted to be eachothers first... to get married and have kids we were a perfect fit... but we werent. He said he didnt know it was cheating but he would have told me about her when they met... he said ahe meant nothing and he loves me and how he cant live without me... she spammed me with screenshots of him being so happy to be on call with her... telling her things about his body... and calling her mommy and mistress... I have no intrest in ddlg or mdlg im in the cglre community it being. sexual makes me uncomfortable (idk if you are into that so long you are consenting adults ^-^) I knew he was a switch and I was testing to see if i could be one i came to the conclusion yes but mainly sub... by this time he apperently had a mistress already... It hurt... the messages begging me not to leave... me crying typing how even if he did leave her i would never be happy again i would always be wondering whose hes with qnd texting... It hurt soo bad... I broke up with him and he tried making me feel bad about it... saying thats it? Your just gonna break up with me... i did it in the most repsectful way possible. I told him and his mistress i wish them happiness for them... i blocked her and unfollowed him and made him unfollow me on insta and blocked him on discord... than i called my friend and just cried... i felt... it was my fault... i wasnt enough for him. Its not true andd i know ill find someone who will be completely loyal to me but... Why? What was the point? There should have never been a thing called cheating... if you want a mistress talk to me... if you want me and someone else than ill break up with your or you can break up with me as i am monogamous. I trusted him... i sent him a couples braclete and a multi tool that was engraved With the nickname i called him... for his birthday. I was so excited to buy him a birthday gifts... and to spoil him as best as i could as i have no job and live off my parents as i am high risk of the virus right now. I got minecraft so we could game together... I trustedd him enough to be clingy and needy but also to let him do what he wants (Hes was my bf not my kid not gonna run his life) i trusted him with struggles i go through now and i have in the past... I trusted him so much qne he betrayed me... It hurt so bad... im alright now been 2 days but im going through a sub drop as i havent been able to do anything noy even to myself sense than... ill be okay thank you for reading my rant/vent . Please if you are a dom/sub and in a monogamous relationship...dont cheat... it hurts so much and no one should ever go through this pain... communicate or break up with them instead...

WRITTEN JAN 25th 2021

On recovery

As some of you may know, I am a recovered ana.

I remember [vividly] my thoughts on recovery when I was throat-deep in the ED deluge.

To me, recovery was “being fat and pretending to be OK with it.”

Recovery was “pretending to be OK and pressing everything down even further.”

Recovery was “being a poser like society demands.”

Recovery was “inconceivable unless I compromised the very fabric of my soul.”

I couldn’t have been more wrong. For my ED/ana/Ednos/mia/orthorexia/etc friends and followers: maybe this post will disappear into the blr-abyss but maybe it will help someone.

*disclaimer*: I am not a mental health professional, so please just look at this as peer comments. If you struggle from an ED or mental health disorder, please take steps right now to get help. Just search on tumblr and you can chat with someone who cares. My ask is always open too.

I didn’t go the traditional recovery route.

1) I saw a counselor at uni who helped me marvelously. We talked about my best gf who died suddenly. We talked about fam issues and faith issues and existential issues. Almost none of them had to do with weight/BMI.

2) I worked with multiple doctors, who found that I have celiac and lupus. Once those diseases got under control, my mental health SKYROCKETED. EDs have very real physiological roots.

3) I saw a highly conscious nutritionist who supported my desire to eat a plant-based vegan diet, but challenged me to do it in a healthy way, not a self-destructive way. I saw an allergist who found out why so many foods were making me sick, which made eating a pleasure again instead of painful!

4) I moved out of home and followed my passion and stopped GAF what other people say about me or my looks or my wt or my life choices.

5) I found my true passion: science and medicine. My obsession with counting calories and my own physiology was a misplaced fascination with science, data gathering, etc. And now, I use those powers for GOOD instead of self-destruction.

6) I refuse to participate in body-bashing or body-shaming.

7) My version of feminism: using healthy food to fuel my body and BRAIN to succeed and have the life I dream of. . .instead of starving and harming myself and my BRAIN.

I realize that many of those above (esp 1-3) are extremely privileged. I was so blessed. However, there are many free and low-cost options. Please find a free clinic and talk to someone. If they don’t respect you, MTFO. Find a healthcare provider who listens and cares and supports your recovery.

What does my life look like now?

I know that some people feel that stats are triggering, but I would like to share them to disprove my pre-recovery ana brain saying “recovery=fat.” I actually love my body now [almost all the time]! I am around 172-173 cm and weigh abt 48-50 kg. While this is a low BMI, it is “normal” for most of my family members — and it is a good 5 kg higher than my LW. My periods are back and regular. My BF is low, but my muscle mass is that of an average MALE my height! During relapses, mainly because I wasn’t eating enough calories, I did experience water wt. gain and bloating. PSA: EAT!! I was so afraid of carbohydrates. I thought if I ate a whole banana my thighs would literally blow up overnight. And I thought if I ate an avocado (over 300 cal!?!?!?!) I would be obese.

But now, it’s so hard to imagine I was ever someone who had to write down every single calorie eaten and burned every day. I eat *at least* one avocado a day.

I don’t count calories. I eat a high carb low-ish fat vegan diet. I drink large green juices most days to start the day, and raw salads with soup during the day, and large cooked meals in the evening. My evening meals are typically something several huge bowls of brown rice topped with every vegetable you can imagine (corn, sprouts, avocado, parlsey, cilantro, arugula) and vegan cheese and black beans for fats and protein. Or, it could be half a bag of russet potatoes, oven-baked, topped again w every veg you can imagine!

I exercise purely for pleasure now and for the mental health benefits, not for calories. I have had neurological issues from the lupus lately, so I haven’t been able to run, but I have enjoyed light elliptical or walking workouts.

As soon as I *actually started eating carbs and enough calories*, I actually LOST weight. In a relapse/recovery period, I was about 125 lbs/57 kg. I felt very bloated and tired and puffy. BECAUSE I WASNT EATING ANY CARBS OR FOOD IN GENERAL. I was doing this whole keto vegan thing aka STARVATION. As soon as I recovered from that and started HCLF vegan, I went from 57 kg to 50 kg (125 to 110lbs), without exercising or counting calories or ANY type of dieting. Just eating until I was satisfied.

My point is not to say this is a cookie cutter for everyone’s journey. My point is that you can OWN your recovery.

You CAN be HAPPY AND RECOVERED.

I hope this was helpful. . . . I hope even one person can read this and be helped by it. LOVE YOU GUYS.

<3

Unconventional Recovery Resources

1) Natalia Rose (nutritionist — love her books)

2) Eckhart Tolle (spiritual writer: The Power of Now and Stillness Speaks helped me massively transform)

3) Dr. John McDougal (doctor with nutritional focus. Check out his website - it has a ton of free recipes and articles. He helped me recover from CARBOPHOBIA).

1K FOLLOWERS...STORY TIME!

Honestly guys you have no idea how surreal this is for me. I didn’t start this blog for followers (although SUPER appreciate it) or likes, or reblogs. I started this as a way to save all the Wicca/Witchy stuff I can find seeing as I’m somewhat a closeted witch.... So for my 1k followers I’m gonna do a little Story time.

All of my life i was raised catholic. I got baptized, did my first communion, was even in sunday school to do my confirmation while in High school, but i never agreed with it and never connected. I ended up not completing my confirmation and refused to do so. Fast forward to about 20yo, mom even asked me to complete my confirmation but I’m kinda struggling with the whole aspect of catholocism and christianity. but I also felt lost not believing in anything.  There were just too many unexplained things in life that i couldn’t just chalk up to “things happen.” I definitely believed in a high being but couldn’t commit to Christianity because there were sooooo many things that i just couldn’t deal with or agree to. At 21 I had my daughter and was having her baptized by the catholic church because thats just what we did, so even though i didnt even agree with it (nor did my bf/father to my child) its just culturally what we do. theres this class you have to take prior to your child being baptized and everything was all great at first. Priest was talking about how its our jobs as parents and god parents to raise the child in the church and to follow the path of god and jesus..... and then all of a sudden it wasnt anything about baptism, He started ranting about gays going to hell and being sinners, he ranted about premarital sex being a sin. and People having kids out of wedlock, at that point i was FURIOUS seeing as me and my bf were not married. it took everything in me to not storm out. and all i kept telling myself was that it was almost over. Had family not flown in to see this baptism i probably wouldnt have done it. but for me it was the breaking point i refused to be apart of something that was so vile. And yes i know that not all catholics feel this way and not all churches spew that bs.... but the majority of the churches i went to did. and the majority of people in my culture that were catholics/christians believed this. so i was done. 

fast forward to 24yo, october 2018.... still struggling to find something that i could agree about spiritually... i felt like i was missing something. And even spoke to my aunt about it but she couldnt really talk much about it because she was raised catholic and thats just all it had been her whole life. One day Im just thinking about it and it just popped into my head.... Wicca!! Since middle school, about 13ish i had been interested in wicca. But as mentioned above that wasnt going to happen at 13. But im an adult now and i figured i can make my own decisions and believe and worship how i want to. And thats the beginning of my path. I dove into research and studying of Wicca and witchcraft. I instantly fell in love and connected. For the first time ever i wasnt confused, or lost. everything i read i agreed, and felt like it was right. I loved the idea of a duotheistic Goddess and God. that they are omnipresent and not just some god residing sowhere far that i have to fear or i wont get into heaven. I loved that the Goddess and God werent portrayed as something you worship because they are superior, but because they work with you and are by your side. 

So because i wasnt ready to open up about this to my family i started a tumblr for all things Witchy and Wicca.... I started this for me to just keep track of all the things that interested me and that i want to try. I never for a moment thought that i was going to end up with a 1k following. This is really amazing and I have no idea even how to express the excitement i have towards this! I really hope this continues to grow. And please guys don’t hesitate to message me or send asks! I’m all for getting to know the witchblr and wiccablr community!!! 

And i want to give a shout out to my 1000th follower! @winter-vblack thank you so much!! and thank you to everyone who’s followed me thus far! 

Blessed be!! 🌒🌕🌘

~Astria Artemisia ✨🌙

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on.  My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go.  I will not be going back to tumblr .  Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it.  Twitter and snapchat.  I’ll stay on those.   Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know.  It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore.  I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say.  I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away.  It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017.  I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.  

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000.  Family I keep saying it.  I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with.  It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are.  My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins.  They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them.  My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters.  I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me?   Who knows..  all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad.  They def don’t know I’m depressed.  They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.  

Friends wise I can’t deny.  I have friends in all stages of my life.  GSA, QP, and MSU.  But do I see them ?  no?  Do i connect with them on THAT level?  Sure.  Depending on the people.  In grammar school, I had John and Grace.  In Qp, I had Ade.  In college, I had Cassie.  THAT level.  I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.  

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace.  Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did.  That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL.  John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard.  We can’t just meet up and talk.  Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU.  Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same.   She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me.  This devastated me more than even I knew.  I had to talk to Ade about this.  If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships.  Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest).  Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her.  The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao.  Really.   The crazy part now.  I am at ease with Ade.  We both matured.  She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is.  I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok.  It’s what I always wanted.  Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me.  The talks on family, life, careers, everything.  gone.  The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation.  I’m not entitled to know why she left.  I just have to accept it.  It’s true.  I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit.  I have to see it from her point of view.  She prob thought I was crazy lmfao.  but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone.  Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore.  Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media.  I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too.  Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao.  The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend.  She wasnt even my best friend tbh.  She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life.   Thank you Cassie.  I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt.   Also that she was a great friend to you.  

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it.  Move on Chris.  The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore.  One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed”  which is crazy.  I don’t even talk to that girl.  I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it.  Irene i will forever be grateful for.  This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her.  It really helped me mentally with that trip.   Ade is ade.  She’s a good person.  She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.  

I guess it’s crazy how it works.  Ade helped me get through Grace.  Cassie helped me get through Ade.  Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie.  lmao .  In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore.   Irene is well Irene.  I fucking love that girl.  

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich.  They moved away and it hurt me alot.  Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with.  It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff.  Again looking back, I just felt alone.  Sad.  and just depressed.  I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain.  It did not work.  I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.  

I always try to tell myself.  What do people see you as?  What do they see you doing?  Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.  

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it.  I did alot of things I never thought I can do.  22/30 Baseball parks,  maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own.  Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise.  In 2019, I want to find purpose again.  I really do.  I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me.  Like Irene and Ade.  Like my GSA friend.  Like Kim and Jan and nick.  like I do have friends.  I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay.  You will survive.  That void hurts.  I get it.  As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad.  Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up.  I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it.  but if you don’t respond or answer.  I get it.   It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone.  My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces.  Any way.  

Farewell to anyone reading this.  If any one reads this.

drag i havnt been the best at writing in any thing at all this entire past year. I feel as if ive lost my identity in this force field of this constant state of just trying to "get by " i miss old simple life. Money has become the pure root of evil and its need to exist as become blatent to us. Im feeling kinda dumpy today. When i first moved to New Orleans from New Jersey i was moving with love in my eyes. Me and My bf were gonna have this beautiful life together us vs the world. . In reality it was the opposite. I was trapped in a sitation with someone who was nothing that i thought.He destoryed me from the inside out and alot of the things that i loved. I stayed in that for too long .. too long that i feel like damaged goods at this point because of it. But i wont let that define me. that relationship taught me alot of lessons . Living in this city alone taught me alot of things about my self. I wasnt nearly as grown as i thought i was and im still not .I dont know why people laways put a number on how people act. Yeah age means how long youve lived here but we all experience life in differnet ways at different times so thats really what truly age is . So.. it got to the point where ol boy was harassing me .. he vandalized my building ..and went away for a while. 6 montnhs went buy and i did a whole hell of a lot of healing. along the way i dated someone that changed my life in some ways as well. he was a friend for a while .. and we sort of have a very close knit connecion that can only be explained in the starts i think. Its honestly the most painful relationship ive ever experienced . I am a really passionate person and when you have my love, you have it forever. I never felt so safe, and beautiful in someones arms . It feels so natural when we touch and laugh .. and love. It have tears just writing this because of how heart breaking it truely is to not be able to be with someone you love so much . Its honestly too much for words but our dynamics dont match .. we are just too different people in this world of strange shapes n colors. Its almost like it was the perfect thing but maybe in another universe right now parallel to this Im still working on letting that person go. but learning alot about that connection, and it taught me alot about myself .Triggers and things witjin me that i didnt recogonize still werent healed. Every person that comes in my life as that level is a sureal blessing. and they teach us so many lessons. . well - yesterday was valentinesday. it def didnt go how i imagined.. but i treated myself to a bunch of chocoalte and cuddled with my kitties. cant ever stop working on yourself .from the inside. keep learning . keep experiencing keep loving . -dani

Answer the questions below and tag some blogs to do the same.

i wasnt tagged, but i wanted to do this so i dare you to try and stop me.

GENERAL

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life?

1-2 my best friend Fi has a tumblr, and my bf has one, but hes never on soo??? idk if that real counts. but yall should go follow my girl Fi @prettyboyhands shes amazing and i love her, so you should love her too

Do you want to change your name?

yes, i really dont like my irl name. thats why i go by Violette, or literally Anything Else

What time did you wake up this morning?

5:15a.m for school :/

What were you doing last night?

i dont remember?? i know at one point i fed my fish, but i dont remember much else after that. 

Is there something you can’t wait for?

tomorrow!! Fi is coming over and its going to be gay and great

What’s getting on your nerves right now?

i dont like being so far from my s/o. i feel like im missing out ig. its weird having someone live less then 15 minutes away, and then next thing you know they are in a completely different state. 

Do you have a crush on someone?

i literally fall for anyone because i was starved of basic decency as a person, and so any simple kind gesture makes me convinced ill love that person forever. but its always like a small love if that makes sense. not a serious love. maybe just a tiny fondness

What do you like about yourself?

 idk, i look cool i guess. ive been told i dress like a major asshole, but really, im just an asshole trying my best. i also think my eyes are pretty cool sometimes. 

WANTS

Kids: maybe? 

Get married: at some point thatd be cool

Career: yeah sorta

LASTS

Last drink: jasmine green tea

Last meal: mac n cheese

Last phone call: Bee, my grandma

Last text message: “Dyamond from statefarm” one of my really good friends

Last song listened to: gtg ttyl- blckbear

Last time you cried: earlier while doing dishes. was crying about lil peep IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

Made a new friend? yes, the love of my life @pretty-little-princess-love Fallen out of love?

yes, its been a year since that day. and it sounds messed up but im glad i realized some things, because if i didnt cut a certain person out of my life, i wouldnt be with the person i have now. 

Met someone who changed you?

definitely 

Found out who your true friends were?

somewhat

Found out someone was talking about you?

ha, that wet piece of bread from cheer ya. 

NOW

Eating: nothing

Drinking: water

Listening:pretty girl- clairo I’m about to: feed my fish then take a shower

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes? eyes

Hugs or kisses? hugs, but i love kisses too. 

Nose kisses or neck kisses? can i say both?? bc it depends. nose kisses are super pure and loving, and neck kisses are super personal and intimate 

Shorter or taller? taller ig. everyone is taller than me

Older or younger? ?? idk man

Hook up or relationship? relationship. i enjoy the feeling. hook ups just seem empty, dont like it. HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: no?

Drank liquor: HAH yep

Lost glasses/contacts: no

Sex on first date: nope

Broken someone’s heart: yeah, we are still friends though, which is great! 

Been arrested: almost

Turned someone down: yes

Developed a crush on a friend: YES

Dated someone twice? YES

Been cheated on? yea :/

Kissed someone and regretted it? yes and no. he kissed me, and stole my first kiss basically. but it was ok i guess.

Lost someone special? sadly yes

Been depressed? yepp

Been drunk and thrown up? nope lmao

Talked to someone with the same name as you? no, they are always spelled completely different DO YOU BELIEVE…

In yourself: sometimes

Miracles: maybe? idk

Love at first sight: yes

Heaven: oof idk, not rlly..

Santa: i though this said satan oops. but still, no

Witchcraft: yes the only person im tagging is @prettyboyhands you dont hav to do it, but you can if you want <3