#i havent been feeling well mentally for a long time but this month is just really kicking my ass
Text
I hate my job <3
#i dont feel well#i wanna go home#in the b athroom trying not to cry#i havent been feeling well mentally for a long time but this month is just really kicking my ass#idk why#i hate customers#i hate people#im so tired#i just wanna scream
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
•Sweat dreams•
Morpheus takes care of his sleepless lover♡ (morpheus x gn!reader)
Prompt: so many things got pilled up so you're unable to sleep properly for the last days, and morpheus decides it has been enough.
Tw: anxiety, trauma(?, fluff, comfort.
Its has been a hell of a month, maybe even a hell of years.
You'd haved never had a peacefull life, but lately life seems harder than ever, days feel longer and even more tiring, that not even the soft carress of my lover seems to erase the frown on my face.
Morpheus, dream, my love, he has always helped me feel normal, calm, wanted. So i cant help but feel guilty of being so distant from him lately, knowing full well he always tries to help me in any way he can.
But i cant really help it, can't i?
Work has been anything but gentle, with the amount of late doing work i have, im almost restless, not really taking breaks ethier.
Morpheus was anxious, scared even, he knew your work was tiring but this looks extreme.
Its been days since he saw you in your dreams before youd woken up a few hours later, and even in your own dreams you looked exhausted with dark eyebags and a marked scowl on your pretty face
So he had enough
Everyone has bad days so he though youll be okay in a few days, but it has been weeks, so he decided to visit you when he finally had time to. As this not only worried your fisical state but your mental state too.
He remebers years ago when youll end breaking down in his arms, telling him how you couldnt go on like this in tears.
He'd never wish to see you so sadly lonely again, it would personaly pain him too much.
So after he had remotily finished his work he was running to see you.
You where comsuded by another work fit at 3 am when you heard a knock to your aparment door, in confusion of who might be visiting, you shouted a wait to the door while stoping your work and rushing to the door*
"Who is it?" You move your hair to look more presentable trough your stress.
"Its me dear,-" at hearing his voice after so much time you open the door without second thougth, not letting him finish his phrase, seeing your certain tall, blue eyed lover.
"-morpheus." He chuckles at your eageress to see him, but quickly noticed your tired look, unsurpsingly.
"My dea-" "morpheus!, what are you doing here?, so late... is everything alright?" Your voice quickly changes to worry while you question the reason of his visit.
"No, no, dear, everything its okay i just..." he sighes before saying "missed you, we havent seen eachother in a few weeks and i have noticed you havent being coming to the dreaming a lot ethier" he finishes while coming inside as you opened the door more for him to come in.
"Yes i- i have been busy lately, im sorry love, i think i didnt realise we havent seen eachothee in that much..."
"Theres nothing to be sorry about my dear, i know you're stressed, i want to help you" he notices the amount of work in your desk "and its quite late too, you need rest, and love. come on to bed now" he holds your arm to the bedroom.
"B-but morpheus! Theres to much to fini-" "no, to bed now, tomorrow youll finish your chores, when you're well rested"
You sigh giving up, as you cant convice the dream lord of anything especially about your care, and because the offer didnt sound so bad.
Morpheus gides you into bed before turning of the lights in the office, going to laid with you and give you your well needed rest. He goes to hold you as you get more comfortable next to him, already feeling sleep taking over you while feeling dream kissing your forehead and rubbing your head as you cuddle with him.
Before you knew it you were magicly falling asleep in your lovers embrace, feeling some beat of calmness in a long time, before hearing some soft whispers of your lover, knowing youll get some enticing dreams tonight
"Sleep well my love, ill see you in a moment".
#x male reader#morpheus x male reader#morpheus x reader#morpheus sandman#the sandman#dream of the endless#dream x male reader#dream x reader#x male reader fluff#this was longer than expected#morpheus x reader comfort#sandman x male reader#gay#fem aligned dni
147 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi suzu sorry for sending in another message in ur inbox, I wasnt planning on spamming ur inbox but its better now than later. do answer this when youre in a right state of mind tho!! (cuz thid req is a bit dark 😭) I havent been feeling well mentally and just old traumatic stuff just keep coming back so coukd I request Wanderer x reader with abandonment issues? And how the subtle changes in behaviour started to show, after 6 months or so in the relationship.Like subtle hints: wanderer needs ti go domewhere and reader reached their hand out but then retracts it and just say "see you soon" or smt, and after more and more time the behaviour changes keeps on getting clearer and reader is having a hard time keeping her shit together bc she doesnt wanna scare off wanderer cuz of her abandonment issues. Sfw, it doesnt have to be long or complex, I just need a bit of nice words rn :) I'll be fine after an hour or 2 🫶🏻
a/n: Coming right up, my dear. I hope this help you a little. I have abandonment issues myself. It's been kicking in hard for me lately. 😔
SFW Headcanons of fem!reader with Wanderer and abandonment issues.
You flinched when Wanderer pulled his hand away. You'd asked to go with him on a walk.
Wanderer pulled the brim of his hat over his face. "That's okay, I'll be back soon."
Everytime you reached out to give him affection, this became a constant habit.
He would always tell you something new each time.
It made your heart ache.
He could tell. And he hated it. In fact, he was mentally kicking himself.
He was having a hard time with abandonment issues.
You could barely keep it together. You desperately wanted to talk to him about what was going on. It was hard for you not to cry.
You'd only been together with the Wanderer about six months. You didn't want to scare him away.
Wanderer furrowed his eyebrows when you finally asked him what was wrong. "Do you not want to be with me anymore?"
He massaged the bridge of his nose. "That's not it." He put his hat on your head. "I'm struggling a little, that's all."
You told him you would patient. You understood what he was going through.
Wanderer was grateful that you stuck by his side for so long.
75 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking about clara telling 12 he made courtney feel not special and 12 at the end of the lie of the land telling bill “because in amongst seven billion, theres someone like you” and bill looking like
and 11 telling rita in the god complex "offer a child a suitcase full of sweets and they’ll take it. offer someone all of time and space and they’ll take that too. which is why you shouldnt” in that fucking self-flagellating but also proud way they do and rita says “i dont know what youre talking about but whatever it is, i have a feeling you just did it again” because they did
they know they know they know what they do and clara didnt have to tell them theyve been doing this long enough they know. and they dont like it but theyre not gonna stop doing it either which must be Great for the self-worth feelings. they have a job to do and they cant stop doing it but they also cant do it alone but also anyone they take with them will most likely get hurt or die
this is nothing new but it’s just. im thinking about the way they do it. the way they absolutely know the effect they have on people. “you make people want to impress you. you make it so they dont want to let you down”
how casually 12 throws out that line, so genuine, i 100% believe it feels true when they say stuff like that, but also bill just had a Bad 6 months. he didnt have to say this. bill asked why he puts up with humans he could say something nice about humanity as a whole, but he doesnt, he singles her out, “i put up with the rest of them because sometimes theres someone like you”. it’s sweet and i dont think it’s a lie and i dont even think it’s a conscious manipulation but like
it’s just like, a really good way to keep people with you when you make them feel like theyre at the centre of the universe like that. the universe revolves around the doctor and when youre in the eye of the storm with them youre so special. you know more than regular people, you get to know all the secrets of the universe, you get to know about aliens, you get to play hero along with them!
ROSE: I can't tell her. I can't even begin. She's never going to forgive me. And I missed a year. Was it good?
DOCTOR: Middling.
ROSE: You're so useless.
DOCTOR: Well, if it's this much trouble, are you going to stay here now?
ROSE: I don't know. I can't do that to her again, though.
DOCTOR: Well, she's not coming with us.
ROSE: No chance.
DOCTOR: I don't do families.
[...]
ROSE: My mum was right. That is one hell of an age gap. Every conversation with you just goes mental. There's no one else I can talk to. I've seen all that stuff up there, the size of it, and I can't say a word. Aliens and spaceships and things, and I'm the only person on planet Earth who knows they exist.
being the object of the doctor’s affection is i think probably a bit of a horrifying experience and not a position you really want to be in, but as long as youre still in that Comments About How Theyre Putting Up With All Of Humanity Because They Like You stage and havent yet reached the Tearing The Sky Apart For You stage, it probably feels really good (do i look susceptible to companion syndrome in this post hkfjghj)
and like i said it’s not that they dont actually love their companions. of course they do. it’s just that if youre terrified of being abandoned, making people feel special like this is a good way to make them not leave you
and i think 13 probably did her best not to do this again. she didnt invite them along to new adventures at the end of 11x1. she initiates goodbyes i think three times (”ive stayed too long, i should get back to finding my tardis”, “im almost gonna miss you”, “guess we’re done, nice having you aboard”) before the fam ask to come with her
and sure she plays the kicked puppy a bit in 11x4 but she waits for yaz to invite her, shes relatively passive, actually for the doctor shes incredibly passive. and she enjoys letting them into the tardis in 11x2, but she doesnt tease really secrets and wonders if they come travel with her. she doesnt really introduce them to the tardis, she doesnt say what the name means, she doesnt let them touch anything, nobody says “it’s bigger on the inside”, she doesnt invite them to all of time and space. she doesnt suggest it could be theirs to see. i dont think she ever does. just what the fam got to see accidentally was already enough to convince them.
i really need to rewatch so i might be wrong about this, but i dont think she ever makes them feel special the same way the doctor did with companions before. she makes them feel special like a tour guide maybe, with her little points and stars system, and calling them best friends, small mundane ways that dont show off her age or history or influence. i dont think she ever suggests theyre more important than other people. i think she emphasises her love for humans as a whole. i think thats the impression they get from her. i think thats what they would say if you asked them about her. “yeah she loves humanity. me? yeah she probably likes me, we’re friends”
she never puts them in a position where theyre the only one who can save the day/world/planet/universe. she always puts herself between them and the problem. she always goes ‘no im the doctor, thats my job’. she takes that responsibility so they dont have to. they take it! when they feel like theyre forced to! when the doctor’s gone in 12x2 or 12x10, they take that responsibility for sure. i think they want to, not just yaz but especially yaz. but they feel unprepared. the doctor hasnt prepared them for this bc she doesnt want them in that position bc in that position they die.
and clearly this has not been ideal. this has not led to an ideal doctor-companion dynamic, we’ve seen how this has hurt 13 as well as especially i think yaz and ryan deeply. but the strategy has been succesful. she lost her last two companions bc she didnt get between them and the problem. with bill literally, with clara metaphorically. (going back even further this might also be the case for amy and donna and rose. she let them into positions she should have been in taking decisions she should have taken)
and however badly things have gone for 13, the strategies of Get Between Them And The Problem, and Be The Doctor Dont Let Them Do It, have WORKED. she GOT THEM HOME. if yaz doesnt die, and im willing to bet money she doesnt, she got them all home safe and sound
14′s relationship with their companions will probably be a response to what went wrong in this round and it will have its own pitfalls that 15 then gets to fix but theyre trying, theyre learning. one step forward two steps back i guess. a fun little tango with death
#im curious to see how 14's relationship with their compainons will look#and how they introduce themself#and how the companion ends up travelling with them
195 notes
·
View notes
Text
Treasure February Reading 2024
note: please take it lightly
Hyunsuk
Love: he is in a type of relationship however it doesnt feel like it is something official. From what I can see, Hyunsuk is seeing one of his close friends regularly but they aren’t into something serious
Career: he is just so frustrated, and I believe that he isnt enjoying being an idol so much at the moment, mostly due to some of the companies decisions for him and for the group overall. Hyunsuk also is fed up with delays when it comes to his projects
Self: he is doing better than what he had been doing a few months earlier. I suppose that he is working on himself a lot so he doesnt dwell on misery and also being around people he likes helps a lot
Jihoon
Love: this is complicated, because I have a feeling Jihoon is seeing someone but that person might be gaslighting him and he probably havent clicked on it yet. He is single tho, but he really likes this one person who wont be giving him much in return
Career: he is pushing forward, he is being impassable and going for what he wants. Jihoon isnt scared of asking the company what he wants and his energy is also something YG appreciates so they tend to give him what he requests when it comes to his career. He pretty much had things how he wants it
Self: he is doing fine, if I may say, he doesnt have a single fuck to give to anyone in the world, he doesnt care about anything but himself at the moment and thus prioritizes only himself through the process
Yoshi
Love: his situation is a little bit similar to Jihoon, he too is seeing someone that he truly likes but that person isnt giving him green lights for something serious and is keeping it casual “for the sake of the careers”. He is accepting it.
Career: I do have a feeling that he doesnt like being an idol, or at the very least he just doesnt like how Treasure are going artistically speaking which annoys him a little, but at the same Time he doesnt complain about it because he knows saying anything will only bring him problems
Self: mentally its rough, I think Yoshi is still battling a lot of emotional and mental issues and grieving that he has yet to heal and overcome
Junkyu
Love: at the moment I dont think he is seeing anyone nor interested in anyone mostly because he is scared to get into a relationship and be toyed again or be hurt so he prefers to keep himself away from people who could potentially be a threat for his heart
Career: he has been procrastinating a lot, not doing much doing trainings, not taking things as seriously as he used to mostly because he doesnt see the point in doing so. Junkyu thinks the group lacks in progress and that it isnt worth to push too hard
Self: both physically and mentally it is complicated. He is a men that gets easily trapped in certain patterns of thoughts which impacts his energy negatively. Physically his body also feels a little weaker than usual. He needs to be careful with falls
Jaehyuk
Love: boy is single and heartbroken from the previous relationship he had. He is still not over it and I believe this is something rather recent and that he has been trying to hold it in for long but its starting to be too much for him
Career: Jaehyuk has a very powerful sponsor behind him and due to that he is living rather comfortably with his life and the projects for him are already set so he doesnt worry much about things his other members do
Self: he has been holding his head high, he has been trying to assert a certain dominance over his group as well because he wants to be seen as someone capable, as someone reliable, as someone capable of leading
Asahi
Love: he is single, as his last relationship didn’t work much due to Asahi being too focused on his career and having very little time for his relationship. And at the moment this continues.
Career: I feel like he hasn’t been very close to his members lately, he hasn’t been in contact with them whenever they are on private schedules or in solo times and he usually retrieves whenever he doesnt have schedules out of necessity of this mental health
Self: despite all, Asahi is someone hot tempered and very strong mentally and he knows how to deal with things to make his life easier and smoother. He is doing rather okay at the moment
Haruto
Love: this man is in a relationship but not out of love but out of interest. The person he is seeing have a stable financial background and Haruto is using that for himself as he needs to be secure and while still being in control of things
Career: listen, honestly this man seems happy with his career and with his job, he would change much and what people say about him doesnt seem to be affecting him as much as he might often let on. Haruto is a thick head and he knows to play out things
Self: he needs to be careful, I feel that often Haruto gets stuck in old pattern which could make him do through a very dark path. He needs to be careful In the situations he puts himself in, so there wont be anything bad attached to his name
Doyoung
Love: Doyoung is in a relationship but things aren’t going very well. I see that Doyoung is extremely jealous of his partner and because of this, there’s often arguments, but also he gets just extremely moody and sets unrealistic goals for his partner which again, leads into conflict
Career: he isnt very happy with how things are going on inside the industry, but it doesnt feel like he mind it either. Almost like he is used to it and he now just doesnt care. He will do this job when needed
Self: Doyoung is okay, both physicaly and mentally he is doing strong, being sociable yet independent and molding things, shaping things the way he wants them to be in his life
Jeongwoo
Love: Jeongwoo is also still in a relationship (I believe it must be the saem as the last time). This person is older than him it is someone that supports him financially as well. Honestly, despite that which could be an initial red flag, the relationship seem to be something long term success
Career: he needs to be extra cautious with things. I have a feeling that Jeongwoo can rub people the wrong way but the things complicate when he rubs people he shouldn’t in the wrong way. This could have impact on his career
Self: honestly he is doing well, he has the money provided by the company but also his family and his partner. He is living a very luxurious life and kind of being generous to the people around him since he likes to show his wealth to others
Junghwan
Love: this man is also in a relationship at the moment, something that came out as an opportunity after he and his partner have been talking for a while. It feels still new, so they havent been dating for long
Career: he is so bored with whatever YG is pulling on them. He doesnt like the concept, he doesnt like the music and he doesnt like anything about the group at the moment. If YG keeps this up, Junghwan might become like some of his members and detach himself from enjoying performing
Self: he had been through some rough phases, both mentally and physically . I do feel like he had been battling some type of diseases ? (Dont know if that makes sense) due to a very bad karma, but things are slowly getting bette r
#Treasure#Treasure tarot#Treasure reading#Treasure astrology#Treasure headcanons#Treasure imagines#Treasure scenarios
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
personal
Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.
okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.
SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.
AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.
In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.
like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.
and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????
it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.
anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.
If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..
i hope the new year brings me something good.
#i just needed to get that out#dont mind my screaming#literaly ignore it its just me bitching about my job for the millionth time#im not even doing organizing tags so itll vanish into the interweb
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Let me care for you *:･ﾟ☆
🦊: pairing: Yang Jeongin x gn!reader
🦊: genre: fluff
🦊: synopsis: you’re burnt out. Jeongin takes you out on a shopping and cafe date.
🦊: warnings: mental burn out, mentions of being a health care worker, corrupted government, underpaid, overworked.
🦊: words: 1.4k
🦊: a/n: just a little something. i know it’s not as long as my previous fics but i will be writing something better in the near future. i have some ideas for the remaining members that i will be writing about. 😁
as always, reblogs, likes and feedback is always welcome. thank you all for the love and support 🥰 if i missed anything in the warning, lmk. ty and enjoy!
🦊: master list
Burnout. You know what it is and know that it can happen to anyone. You just didn't think it would happen to you, yet here you are, curled up under your duvet feeling energy-less. You have things to do but you feel overwhelmed by how much is needed to be done. Just thinking about it makes your energy levels plummet even further.
You felt it coming on, you knew it was going to happen. You had the tell tale signs but you ignored it simply because you didn't have time to think or care for yourself. You either had no time to socialise or you just didn't have the energy. It was easier for you to isolate yourself when you're in burnout, simply because you didn't want to project your frustration onto other people. Your relationship with friends was suffering but so was your relationship with you boyfriend, Jeongin.
you have been together for a few months. he is the light of your life and you adore him just like he adores you. you've never felt as safe and content as you do with him. you both live separately with it only being a 30 minute drive between you both. He worked in a nursery looking after a group of children for the day until their parents came to pick them up. He loves his job and you can see that because whenever he talks about, you can see the sparkle in his eyes.
your phone was endlessly pinging and vibrating. With a grumble, you reached to your side table and grabbed your phone, grunting as the sharp light came into contact with your eyes.
Messages from friends, notifications from social media apps covered your home screen. Your phone pinged again, a message from Jeongin. Opening up the messaging app, you noticed he had sent you more than one message and they were the typical, generic messages asking how are you and he hopes your work day goes well, that kind of stuff.
Jeongin 🦊: i havent heard from you in a while.. (╯•﹏•╰)
Jeongin 🦊: pls respond, im worried about you
Jeongin 🦊: thats it, im coming over. (>人<)
you sighed before locking your phone and placing it on the bed beside you. you pulled the duvet over your head and closed your eyes. Your ears perked up once you heard your door open and a familiar voice calling out your name ran through the apartment. Footsteps made their way to your bedroom and the door slowly opened.
"(Y/N)? you here?" you grunted, closing your eyes tighter. you didn't want to socialise today, you couldn't be bothered with people and as bad as that sounded considering your boyfriend had just driven 30 minutes to see you, you simply don't have the energy.
Jeongin walked across your room, stepping over dirty clothes that had just been pilling up. He opened the curtains to let some light in. It wasn't until he looked around, he realised what was happening.
You felt the mattress dip from Jeongin sitting on the edge. he placed a hand on your covered figure, patting gently.
"It's bad again, huh?" he asked softly. You swallowed and nodded. "lets go on a date, spend some time together."
You poked your head out from the duvet, looking at your adorable boyfriend. "I'm sorry, but i don't feel like doing anything right now.."
"I know but we can take it slow. besides, its not going to do you any good isolating yourself like this. We can go shopping and stop at a café. I'll even buy you your favourite dessert." Jeongin wiggled his brows and smiled. You chuckled softly.
"Even if i say no, you'll force me anyways."
"Yup. so, is that a yes?"
you sighed softly before getting out off bed and making your way to your drawers. You grabbed clean underwear and an outfit to match what Jeongin was wearing
"Just give me a few minutes to go freshen up then."
you had been out with Jeongin for about an hour. You was currently sitting in a café, eating and sipping your favourite beverage and dessert. Jeongin had dragged you into various stores, buying you things you wanted, things you needed. You felt blessed to have him in your life, to have someone that cared as much as he does. You started to feel a bit better, head was a little clearer. Spending time with the person you love was refreshing and you didn't want the day to end because that meant having to go back home.
"so, what has brought all this on?" Jeongin asked, bringing his cup to his lips before taking a sip. You swallowed the piece of food that was in your mouth before sighing.
"Mainly work."
"Why? things not going so well or?"
"To put it politely, the manager is a piece of shit. We're so understaffed because he keeps getting rid of people. Y'know, he fired someone the other day because they took too long in the bathroom on their shift. Wanna know why?" Jeongin nodded, signalling you to carry on "He said 'your time of the month is not an excuse, you're fired'"
"Wow, he seems like an ass." You scoffed.
"This is my first full day off in a week. because we have no staff, shifts need to be picked up, so not only am i overworked, but I'm also underpaid." You sighed deeply.
"You're underpaid? is your manager not paying you correctly?" Jeongin furred his brows. You shook your head no, before resting your elbow on the table, hand supporting your cheek.
"Its not that. he is paying us correctly, but with the whole healthcare situation going on, with nurses being underpaid and overworked, it kinda falls onto me too. I'm still a career caring for people, but the government is so corrupted that no one really cares. all the nurses got was a clap, which is nice but what's that going to do?"
"its like an appreciation for what they do, y'know." Jeongin shrugged.
"Yeah, i know that and its nice and all, but when you’re working x amount of hours for a job that you're underpaid in, it kinda defeats the purpose. It's not claps that will pay the bills and supply you with food."
you took a bite out off your dessert before sipping on your coffee. "its not just nurses as well. the whole healthcare system is fucked. It takes weeks just to get an appointment at the doctors office these days and because people are getting desperate, they go visit hospital."
"wow, that's, yeah. that's definitely messed up." you hummed in agreement. "But what about you? how are you holding up with it?"
you sighed. "honestly, not good. i barely have time for myself. i wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed and repeat. I mean, you saw the state of my flat. clothes, dishes, floor needs cleaning, surfaces need wiping. I haven't been grocery shopping because i dont have time to so I've been surviving on take outs." you looked down at your lap, ashamed that this is what it has come to
you love your job. you love making people feel better, seeing them smile brightened your day. it reminded you why you do what you do, but times like this, you wish it was different, to be treated differently. to be treated like a human and not some robot who's sole purpose is to just work.
"That's not good (Y/N) I'm sorry i didn't come over sooner.." Jeongin said, holding your hand gently from across the table.
"no no. don't feel bad! its not your fault, hun." you smiled softly, interlocking your fingers with jeongin, taking a second to admire how tiny your hands look against his own.
"Maybe i should come live with you?" You blinked fast, eyes widening a little.
"You sure? i mean, don't feel obligated to just because I'm like this right now. Its simply just a bump in the road. Anyways, we agreed to take this slow."
"i know that but, i care about you. You're the most important person in my life and seeing you in a state, hit hard for me. At least that way, i can keep an eye on things, on you. care for you when things get bad again and keep on top of things. I'll even try and cook for you so you dont have to live on take away any more."
you laughed softly, tears welling in your eyes. your heart felt like it was going to burst out off your chest. you nodded, wiping away your happy tears and wondering what have you done to deserve just a kind and gentle soul like Jeongin.
"i would love that!"
#stray kids#skz#Yang Jeongin#jeongin#I.N#skz fluff#stray kids fluff#skz jeongin#skz i.n#skz yang jeongin#skz fic#stray kids fic#skz x you#skz x reader#kpop#stray kids imagines#stray kids one shot#yang jeongin fluff#i.n fluff
79 notes
·
View notes
Note
so for some reason, your blog is my little safe space corner of the internet. so i wanted to share: ive been working extremely hard and failing continuously for a very long time trying to achieve something professionally. like, practically ruining myself over this trying so so hard. and this week, i finally got an opportunity that will open up doors in my future. and im going to be well-paid for this opportunity. and so the months and years of daily anxiety and weekly panic breakdowns have finally come to an end. and i feel so fucking free and afloat - i dont even know what to do with myself. and everyone in my life has been so fucking supportive as ive cried nonstop and worked nonstop. and now they're all celebrating me and my happiness.
so i just wanted to say, anyone who is reading this: if you have suffered major setbacks, if you have debilitating mental health issues like me, if you are so fucking behind on the supposed path you need to take professionally... keep trying. i dont know how i kept persevering but im so fucking glad i did. dont lose momentum, please. good things will happen!! it might take longer than you wish it would and more work than you think you're capable of, but if you really want it, you have to keep going. dont lose confidence in yourself just because you keep failing.
im in tears writing this dumb ask, because i still havent fully wrapped my mind around the fact that all my struggles were worth it. but they are. and im finally, FINALLY, so excited for my future instead of being fucking terrified
that is all. have a good day <3
hell yeah! hell fucking yeah!!! hell fucking hell yeah my friend!!
this rules! you rule! oh my god!
i love you! this rules! hell fuck yeah!!!!!!!
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
after 5 long months ive logged onto this account. ive cleaned it up of any cluttering posts. i feel a lot of regret for how ive handled certain things and for how harshly ive always treated myself. i had tried to be optimistic on this blog, you can see it, but deep down i was miserable. this isnt a sob story post, it is more of an update and analyzing myself too. because to analyze me back then and me now is to see growth as a person.
tbh i was struggling with a lot of things months ago and even relapsed in things i wouldn’t have imagined i would have. this isnt for validation at all, i like writing things publicly like this, like a note for myself? idk.
i know i would make comments about my mental state back then “how it got better” but that was never the case. it was temporary.
to be quite honest, i will get into the real real gist of it. i had moved out of my parents place like in october of 2022. living with my family has always been stressful, i wont go into that though. my roommate was an incredibly selfish and two-faced person. there were red flags but i either hadnt noticed or ignored them. she was a complete pos, imo, and even reveled in being one. she was even gross and her sister who also lived with us was also gross. i feel bad for her cat bc she wouldnt clean the litter box that much until she wasnt so “depressed”. i am honestly not sure, i put quotation marks bc honestly i feel that she was just lazy as fuck. she was one of those girls who followed trends and went out clubbing a lot and had lots of hook ups. i dont know man, maybe i seem like an asshole but ive struggled with depression since i was a kid and still find energy to clean my cats litter box. granted, i have better coping mechanisms and thought processes and am just in general in a better place mentally but idk i love my cats to death and feel like a dickwad when i even go a couple of hours over with cleaning their litter box. she also didnt try to help with her cat becoming obese basically and stuff, so yea. sorry for the long tangent, my roommate was a dickwad.
after moving out of that hell hole (i wasnt apart of the lease so it was p easy), i think i moved out beginning of february? well, situations happen and i move out of parents place with my bf at the end of february. place ends up being fucking infested with bed bugs and the landlord lady was a bitch and so yea. i moved in and out like 4 times in the span of november 2022-march 2023 i think? tbh, that was all pretty stressful. but i think the good thing out of it was my cats are indoor cats now and i love taking care of them.
while cleaning my posts of clutter, i had a wave of nostalgia both good and bad. it wasnt that long ago but it feels like it. i loved rping hu tao and i think a lot of the reason as to why i could never rp with a lot of ppl was because i was harsh to myself and held myself back. i felt like i didnt properly convey hu tao’s portrayal and compared myself to other hu taos. it is easy to compare because it isnt your writing or portrayal. i could look at myself, be a harsh critique about my looks, but at the end of the day there could always be someone out there that sees things differently. in a more positive and less judgemental light, ig. i also had and still struggle with social anxiety. it has gotten better and perhaps it has helped that ive learned to be more understanding of myself like i am with others.
i love hu tao as a character and always will. and id love to come back to her! but tbh i have fallen out of the game and havent been playing it. i havent played the event including hu tao. i am not sure yet if i am going to make such a commitment to rping again but looking back at the posts made me feel a bit happy. i kinda like how i wrote her, i liked interacting and being goofy.
so, there is that, i guess.
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
𝘒𝘕𝘖𝘞𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘠𝘖𝘜𝘙 𝘗𝘈𝘙𝘛𝘕𝘌𝘙 𝘞𝘌𝘓𝘓 𝘊𝘈𝘕 𝘗𝘖𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘛𝘐𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘠 𝘔𝘈𝘒𝘌 𝘞𝘙𝘐𝘛𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘛𝘖𝘎𝘌𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘈 𝘓𝘖𝘛 𝘌𝘈𝘚𝘐𝘌𝘙.
NAME : renee! c: ( government-assigned actual middle name fbnskdj )
PRONOUNS : they / she
PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION : ims on tumblr was the normal for me cause i never really did disc til this blog but i Am mostly chatting on disc nowadays. i can be slow / notifs may be funky so i always say to not like... get upsetti if i take a bit to reply or i forget to my mind is an actual fog-haze most of the time, time to me gets very hazy and i wont really realize days have passed me by at times so. i ask patience for that front c;
NAME OF MUSE(S) : oh hell, we are primarily in Texas Trenches here so...... maria & ana flores, danny [ alejo-osorio, not 'gaines' ugly ass name- ], Mother nancy s.awyer, thomas h.ewitt / le.atherface, our mom luda mae he.witt, elizabeth 'birdie' callaway [ oc ], constance 'simmi' simone [ oc ] + my other trials kiddos.
EXPERIENCE / HOW LONG ( MONTHS / YEARS? ) : writing in general - since 3rd grade. rping here on tumby - since about.... 2014.....? idk really. its been at last 10+ yrs. ive been in a couple different r.pcs but horrors' typically been such a home to return to.
BEST EXPERIENCE : point blank all honesty? these last 2-3 months since i came back. genuinely. like ive had a good share of fun and silly moments over the years yes. but. something about the mutuals ive met coming back from a near 2 yr hiatus to this blog has been really heartwarming to me. i havent had remotely as welcoming or fun and silly times connecting with the actual people behind the blog, behind the muse, as i have here. i never had so many wild out of pocket verses or ships, never had affiliates/mains/etc, never had near as much fun plotting or simply gushing over muses and their dynamics in those 10+ yrs being here on and off than i have in this lil texas corner of the horror r.pc. like the last few years have Not Been Kind in my offsite life, and having a massive writers block due to offsite struggles for those years near killed my love for writing as a whole - not just rping but just. writing in general. and while that blocks still not fully gone rn ( staring my 100+ inbox rn in the fucking eyes ) just? the fact that i feel alot more connected to a point with those ive met here this time around has genuinely made me feel alot happier in these few weeks than i have in quite a while. so far this takes the cake by a complete landslide in terms of best experiences ♡ and much of that is very much thanks to those mutuals.
RP PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS : look. ive been here a long time. ive been part of r.pcs that have had alot of shit stirred in it. im going to be 30 in january lmao and my offsite life has more than enough of its fair fucking share of bullshit. i dont have the mental nor emotional capacity to deal with the kinds of online pettiness or silliness that has cropped up. ive had more of my share in people who are ma.nipulative, ab.usive, etc that i dont really care to engage with in a space that i really try hard to ensure stays as peaceful and as much of a solace to myself as possible. if you're chill and just here to vibe? then we're completely gucci lol. but i dont respond well in the slightest to guilt trips, or passive aggressive attempts at getting interactions or anything. it makes me wildly uncomfortable - seen it too much, deal with similar way too much w people in my offsite life and im honestly so tired and jaded to it all. im here to chill, chat about muses, go to Texas, just. relax and take it easy. got enough shit goin' on offsite as is let me just have fun here :') like literally just. read my rules, dont push me or my boundaries, let us just have a good time and chill leave the petty shit at the door im begging.
MUSE PREFERENCES FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT : okay look- FNJKS my go-to, my habit, is always gonna be Angst / the horrors. its been that way for many years. you can ask my offsite co-writer/friend, she's literally been Tormented by me for nearly two decades now- FKJSDA but seriously, it doesnt entirely matter. angst, fluff, horror, etc etc like. i enjoy where the character takes me - if its gearing towards angst? then imma be as heartbreaking as possible. if its sweet fluff? i hope you like cotton candy cause im stuffing an entire blob of it in your mouth like- i just enjoy the dynamics between characters and where that can lead them - and i fucking love the dynamics the pals and i have been cooking these few weeks theyre delicious and i love them all ♡ smut however..... my enemy. nfsjdk its noted already in my rules im not gonna go into it but. smuts only vaguely referenced on a sideblog that im keeping to a very small pool of people im comfortable with so; i over-criticize my writing it & constantly delete/restart it so. dont expect to see me post anything here on main anymore re: smut fgnsdkd
PLOTS OR MEMES : funny how it used to be strictly memes but, ive found myself after returning heavily preferring at least SOME plotting before i feel comfortable just winging it in responses. c; its not required, nor necessary, but it helps to be chatting at least ooc about the muses so i have a better idea of how to write something out.
LONG OR SHORT REPLIES : OKAY SO LOOK- i cannot begin to say how unhinged my fucking writing has been overall here cause truly? my responses on other blogs used to be so minimal??? read: NORMAL. and yet here i am now in this little corner dishing out fuckin' novels half the time like who the fuck am i- lmao its been so much fun building those longer responses up tho like?? and the fact that ya'll enjoy them so much makes me happy but also i am Sorry not only for the novels in my responses but also my novel tangents in dms like goddamn i dont know how to shut-
BEST TIME TO WRITE : for me it used to be solely in the dead of night cause thats when all the day chaos finally quieted down but. now for the most part its just. whenever i get a burst of energy and motivation to.
ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S) : uhh................. if i HAD to choose its like... maybe a gentle mix of danny / simmi / ana? mostly simmi in terms of just. resting bitch face, keeps to themself, idk fnsdk but overall not? really? they got some shared snippets that i do but as more of an overall? not in the slightest i think lol
TAGGED BY : scruffed from across the dash from kels uwu
TAGGING : literally any of ya'll if you wanna do it too c:
#cant believe i had to put a readmore on this cause i can never just Write something of Normal Fucking Length- FSBK#[ 𝟎𝟎 ] ── * 𝐎𝐎𝐂. { renee. }
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
contrary to the last post a few days back, i dont know how long it will take me to write anything.
more utc! (cw: intrusive thoughts, illness)
truthfully, i havent been doing well the past few weeks mentally, and its showing in my physical state as well. i havent been able to get proper sleep, my face has turned pale and yellow from not taking care of myself, and my body is weak from a condition and just me not having energy.
additionally, my state of mind has gotten really bad. i have intrusive thoughts and getting through the day feels tiring. theres a lot more, but i'm not comfortable sharing.
i dont know whether this is because of the summer heat (most probably). but i know that as long as i feel this way, i know im not going to come out with my best quality works.
so i guess im on a semi-hiatus..?
i'll still be around! liking and reblogging stuff, in people's asks, maybe giving a few updates. but i don't know when i'll start writing again. it could be an hour from now if some miracle happened and my writer's block disappered, or it could be a very long time, considering this school year i have a lot of harder classes.
i dont think i'll quit writing. this blog is the very reason i've came back to writing again, and writing and this blog is very special to me. but i am letting myself relax. i know i haven't come out with anything in the past few months, but this is an update on what's going on and why i havent posted anything.
thank you for everyone who has supported me the past year (its been a year since June!!!), i never thought i would've met such amazing people and gotten such postive feedback.
i hope everyone is doing well, and staying safe!! my discord is always open if you want to chat, and i wish everyone well !! <3
#[ the birth of an idea ]#[ theres something... ]#im sorry this got really long#thats more writing than i did in the past three months 😭#watch me come back a week later#lmfao
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
why are you on a twitter byf?
hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.
im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.
TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.
this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.
then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).
after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.
8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.
i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.
i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.
she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.
i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.
thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
how has deja evolved over the years? i swear she gets redesigned like every few months /pos lol
LMAOOO ud be right cause shes changed stories each year (im painfully indecisive), this year is the only story ive genuinely been interested in exploring since i finally landed on a genre i think would fit her best? and i consider her redesigns to be a sort of progression into how ive grown as a writer and maybe as a person since shes been with me for so long lmao
ill place this under read more cause ill go into condensed detail about her evolution for her characterization, her design, and a small timeline for her story contexts but tl;dr shes grown so much and has gotten way more complex. i love her so much
2017-early 2018: she actually started out as a sona concept! design wise, nothing really special tbh, i was throwing stuff i really liked. for 2017, she was just a throwaway concept, but i was rapidly improving towards the end of that year...
mid-2018: ... that i ended up reusing her concept as a character concept, and during that year, i made an au with a friend that spiraled into something that lasted about the next 2 years, that then included her as one of the main characters LMAO. i wanted to draw crazy hair and also a cute mask, so i did. i ended up making it so that the masks were to both hide her identity (shes a fugitive in the au) and to be some sort of metaphor. her personality was very outwardly sweet, but she could also kill you so it best to not get on her bad side, but she was also in a constant learned helplessnes. big deja year
2019: design wise, i removed the mask, made her fatter (despite me not knowing how to draw fat people yet), and made her sorta baby-faced, since her character is a lot more childish during this bit? story wise, her story was included in an anthology about different kinds of love in a post-apocalyptic fantasy world. during this time, i was going through a Lot mentally, and it sorta marked the beginning of a really horrible period in my life thats still kind of ongoing, so i used her story in a more experimental sense so i can figure out different workarounds in an escapist way? this is also when i started pairing her with her now-partner-in-stories, lualhati, and from this point, lulu and deja are inseparable
2020: for this year, i was sorta putting her story off? i was really struggling to figure out what to do with it other than the deja/lulu love story, but at the same time, that marked me going through a journey of adding fat people to my work. dejas always been small fat, but her body hasnt actually been drawn well enough. we all start from somewhere though. she was a lot more calm in this version, and is sort of a leader figure for a village in a fantasy world. but i wasnt really feeling it.........
2021: last year was when i really started digging deep into what i wanted to do. i wanted weird gay trans cathartic art. so dejas story was that. still wasnt really feeling it, but u can tell i was really experimenting trying to land on something i was passionate about. while i did like her design since its a turning point in my art, and its visually loud (the color palette, holy shit), IT WAS SO HARD TO DRAW? i understand that 2021 me was really going at it with very loud and distinct designs, but the reason why i didnt even draw her for months after was because she was so fucking hard to draw. and i didnt put enough effort to portraying her fatness (which will soon become a very important aspect of her character). but were about to pull a gamer move
2022: up until now, since 2018-2019, i wasnt really satisfied with her story. it didnt really fit what i wanted, bc i was mostly concerned with how other people would react if i talked about them, especially since deja/lulu have always been very personal to me. but i had a vision. where deja and lulu are in a revenge drama thriller in a city in the middle of nowhere. and i havent stopped thinking about it day and night ever fucking since. i brought back a lot of elements from past designs (mostly cause i thought theyd look great, i was right), and im finally getting to a point where im figuring out how i draw fat people. now, dejas characterization came really easy to me (hypervigilent, short-tempered, mysterious, a second away from realizing shes trans). her story explores themes surrounding violence, secrets, and suffocating marriages, and while its a far heavier story than the past ones, its the first time ive been genuinely excited to see how its grown. i could ramble about this all day lol
deja is a growing character and she keeps getting better and better every time im exploring her, and she genuinely means the world to me. thank u for reading this if u have decided to read this
#i started answering this at 9 pm and now its midnight hi. im possessed by ocs#if u actually do read this i encourage questions about deja and lulu cause their storys been sitting in my brain for a week now oops#deja (deja/lulu)#also hi icarus my friend seven :o) hope ur doing alright#hyperfixings
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
long post ahead (just a sea of thoughts)...
a couple days ago i had a fight with my partner and i said a lot of mean things i didn’t mean to. i was full of rage but as the day was ending i went to see him. he hugged me and i melted. i apologized for hurting him.
“we hurt each other unintentionally” is what he said and it struck to me. he was right we both hurt each other without knowing and end up fighting. i’m glad i made up with him that day too.
unfortunately, my day ended up being fine but his. didn’t. he had another issue that i can’t be a help of.
it has been two?three days? maybe more, i lost count, since we conversed properly. it hurts, a lot. but what can i do? i’m just a twenty three year old girl living with her parents with absolutely no freedom and is reviewing for her board exam. there wasn’t really anything i could do for him. i cant go to him, do you expect me to go to him in the middle of the night to console him? as much as my heart desire to, I CAN’T.
good thing he had friends that can listen to him and be with him. it is a good thing right? but why do i feel so envious? why do i feel so left out? i wanted to be the one consoling him, the one he shares his problems, his laughter, to be by his side until everything is okay. fck. just fck my life.
i’ve been feeling so tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. what a great combination isn’t it. tired from my effing errands yesterday and i think my bloody ass strong pain reliever still has its effects on me until now (it made me vomit last night too, my hotshots all wasted). i slacked off from reviewing today, i just slept the whole fcking day. my partner’s been updating me which i appreciate but all i could say was “okay love, i love you more” and thats it very unusual of me.
then i realized what i was feeling, what i actually am. i am a jealous selfish bitch who wants her partner all by herself and want to be included all the time and fix others problem so she will feel better too. thats who i am. am i proud of it? no, of course not, thats why i am writing this sht as post for me to realize what i really am (writing is my coping mechanism im sorry guys)
i cant accept the fact that my partner after so many yrs has friends to rely on that arent my friends as well. that he’s able to laugh again because of them and on those days that we havent been talking he was with them. i havent seen him for months, i havent been able to vidcall with him, talk to him, spend time with him virtually while they were. i fcking envy them, i am the girlfriend but i am absent on his difficult time i dont even know what the problem is and i respect him if he cant tell me right now because we have our own fcking problems we want to deal with by ourselves. but since i am a selfish bitch i always wanna know i wanna know i want to be there i want to be the shoulder he cries on i want to be the one he’s with drinking his night away. but im not, and its never gonna be me unless i leave this fcking house. right now, its just not me. and i have to accept that but it doesnt me i cant be hurt because i accepted it right?
oh and i just remembered, i wrote him a fcking letter last night, it was national boyfriends day yesterday right? i dont know if he even noticed or if he appreciated it. i know its not the right time to think about it like the person’s having personal problems and im gonna put that fcking letter and fcking sumone first? i’m not dumb but again it doesnt mean i cannot get hurt.
but i am not mad, i wont be mad, i dont want to add more problems so ill fix this myself i am not relying this problem to him this is my issue that i have to solve on my own. and to conclude i admit i am selfish and jealous and toxic. so i am gonna fix it. if you read all of these then fck you just wasted your goddamn time but thank you for reading my thoughts. gotta go to my review now. ciao.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Happy New Year!
here's some of my thoughts of 2022 and what i want to do in 2023 ↓
2022
This year started off nice, I got to work on cool projects and I tried out so many new things. Unfortunately halfway through the year it went downhill and despite being hired for my first ever job, it sucked and I fell into depression.
Fuzee visited me at home for the first time ever, and he stayed with me for a few months. This was probably the best highlight of the year for me because I missed him for so long... I was seriously struggling mentally and just having him here with me has done wonders. I was determined to work hard so I can eventually move out and stay with him.
Living here at home isn't doing so well for me. I still live with my parents and I have a very controlling Mother. I've been purposely avoiding her so that I can be at ease, and I would put so much effort into locking myself up in my room or going out with friends. I hope I can finally get away from this next year.
Emotionally, I was doing really bad. October was super bad, and my friends were nice enough to help me get back on medication. I feel like ever since I went back to fix myself up, my long lost motivation came back and I've been drawing so much and it feels so good! I'm really happy I got to go back to this.
Lots of friendships crumbled this year, but I also befriended many people this year too. I'm still really sad about this separation and I continue to yearn for the old times where all my friends hung out together and nothing was wrong, but I have to leave those memories behind. I do miss them a lot but.. I dont know, I was left conflicted for so long.. I'm still grateful for all the friends I met this year.
I finally opened up design commissions as this was something that many friends encouraged me to do, and so many people were interested. I was worried it wouldnt go so well but I was surprised to see the demand!
I did a lot of new things and picked up old hobbies I've long abandoned due to depression. I bought lots of new books and read a lot of them and bought a new sketchbook from the farmer's market and decorated it with stickers I had lying around. feels weird how I got over my sticker anxiety but its soooo nice decorating things and it makes me feel so relaxed!
Commissions were super slow and I feel like it was hard for me to get around with my absence during my last job. I need to work harder.
I recently started getting back into drawing things with backgrounds so I hope I can keep this up.
I got more comfortable in streaming and didnt feel so anxious after having meds. I even hosted my first birthday even and I'm glad it was successful!
2023
This year I have a weird goal where I want to collect as manu stickers to the point that I can fill up a box. I like using stickers and tapes for decorating my sketchbook so I hope to collect more.
My biggest goal for this year is to move out of this house with Fuzee. I cant stand being in this toxic household and I havent felt safe in a long while. I plan on raising money so I can get out.
I want to make merch, stickers or small postcard prints sound nice
I want to make little comics on my ocs again like I did years ago, especially now that I feel like I can draw anything
I aim to explore doing Live2D stuff so I can do commissions for it in the future
I hope to get hired for some job position again. I wish I could get hired for character design 💦
I wanna do weekly(?) community drawing session with viewers and enhance my stream setup and hopefully upgrade my computer.
I wanna go on a trip next year somewhere, I think it would be nice to go to the mountains again.. 🏔️
I want to try and do silent vlogging. I got invested in it last year and I want to give it a try ✨
There's probably more but I'm just generally excited since it's bunny year 🐇 Thank you all for sticking around with me, I'll try my best this year!!!!
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
~ Witchy UPDATE ~
I dont even.
So literally, the last journal was super sad and depressed.
And I apologize.
--
I have really been struggling with my Grandma being gone. The last few months havent been easy for me. Today marks 5 Months since she was taken from me, and not a day goes by that I dont think about her.
Shes made it apparent, and shown me that she's with me, more than once in dreams.
And today, on the 5 Month anniversary, I am making the decision to move forward. I cant stay this way. I'm afraid with this depression and stress and sadness I am feeling I'm going to give myself a heart attack. I dont want to end up like my Dad.
I have to do this for myself, for my mental health.
I'm not forgetting what happened, or leaving my Grandma behind, I am doing what she would want me to do, and live my life. To keep going without her. She would want me to be happy, and living my best life, not sad and losing myself in grief.
So thats what I'm going to do. I'm going to force myself to get out of this depression, grief and sadness. I miss her immensely. I feel like there is a hole in my life. The circle of people I trust is very small, and I lost a part of that circle.
But I cannot keep living the way I am living.
--
The positives to come out of this?
I found Witchcraft, and I'm finding myself through it. I have been on an incredible witchy journey, and I love every moment of the time I spend working on my craft. Its wonderful. Its been a dream come true and its been something I have loved experimenting with spells and learning divination, and using the gifts I already had for positivity.
I have reconnected with my spirit guide, from childhood, have found answers to questions that I knew she would give me.
--
Today, I rediscovered the Therian side of me. After a lot of soul searching and a conversation with my spirit guide, she told me what I knew already, that I am a Therian, have always been a therian since I was young.
I walked away from it, when things got very stressful, and upsetting and I was dealing with a lot, and thought it wasnt me. But I was in reality denying its existence, in denial. Its always been there, waiting for me to remember who I was. My spirit guide supports me, and let me know that I have always been a Therian.
My wolf side has returned, in my clarity and it feels amazing! ~
--
So yeah, the Wolfy Witchy is here :D
It feels amazing to reawaken this part of myself as well as discover my witchy side. Its been such an amazing and wonderful ride, and I just feel blessed that I have such an amazing support team behind me.
--
I'm on a journey of self-discovery and I feel like its going really well, even if I was stuck in a cycle of depression and grief. I'm slowly coming out of it and realizing that I have to HAVE to keep living my life.
--
I'm feeling really good mentally today, and I just wanted to get everything I was feeling out in a journal.
I'm feeling clearer in the mind as well, and just seeing everything better now. I dont know what changed, but something in me has shifted and I am moving --- > forward.
--
I'm in a pretty positive place, and no one can steal that from me. I need to get back to my life, to myself, to my craft, and my journey. I've been stuck here for so long its time for me to move for myself.
The ultimate gift of self-care.
----
I will be posting tarot draws again when I get the time, been doing some, need to get through the ones I have already done, they are coming.
I started a new job and the schedule is pretty hectic. I'm still trying to get used to working long hours again and my body is just like meh. lol. But I'm excited and loving my new job as well. <3
---
I feel good, I feel powerful, and I feel like once more I am stepping into my power. I feel like I am seeing life for what it is, and the things I am doing now to move forward is me practicing the most beautiful self-care. It feels wonderful. <3
---
So I will see you guys soon! Probably with Tarot Draws :D xD
#hedge witch#witch#witchcraft#therian#wolf#white wolf#spirit guide#positivity#depression#healing#self-discovery#journey#spells#tarot#divination#finding myself#grief
2 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
