#i have no appetite
Text
Dear Diary,
I can’t stand how I look. I really can’t. No matter what I do, I don’t feel comfortable in my own body. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I feel disgusting.
#dear diary#heart vs mind#i hate how i look#i can't stand it#i don't feel comfortable in my own body#struggling#i have no appetite#wtf#joke is on me#i just can't#anxiety#overwhelmed#i can't breathe#fuck ups#at a loss for words#empty#hollow#sad#conflicted#body image issues
331 notes
·
View notes
Text
Day 3 of BIG sad means we are sharing because I won't eat if I can't share it. Today, we've had: banana, apple, carrot, pineapple, broccoli, and saltines. Bean got a bully stick.
#beans beans the magickal fruit#she knows when i get sad she gets lots in the belly#i cried watching her devour that bully#im so ready to be hormonally balanced#i have no appetite#i feel shitty if i dont eat and then i feel shittier after i do#i want to be healthy#i want to be able to do stuff with her#i dont deserve her shes too good for me#grrr
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I cannot believe how sick I am
#I’ve thrown up 8 times today#I haven’t left my room#I’ve basically only gotten up to throw up#my body isn’t even keeping liquids down for the most part#I had a few hours of relief earlier but it’s back#with a vengeance#I’ve puked 3 times in the last 2 hours#I have literally only had Gatorade water and ginger ale today#I have not eaten#I have no appetite#just when I thought I was ready for some soup this new wave started#god this is awful#it’s supposed to get better after today at least#I’ve never thrown up this much in one day#not even when I was debilitatingly psychosomatically ill#it wasn’t this intense#ugh#I would take my sleeping gummies but I don’t think they’ll stay down
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm not doing well. I'm spiralling because I'm having difficulty finding a job, even though No OnE wAnTs To WoRk AnYmOrE. Although I understand intellectually that I won't ever be homeless (due to living with my retired parents who get enough in Social Security to keep us all housed), being unemployed is triggering me. I've been poor my entire life; although some periods were more stable than others, I've never been comfortable. This period of job hunting is also unfortunately reminiscent of when I was unemployed in 2013, when I was in danger of becoming homeless.
I was recovering from the debt and trauma of that time for years and now, due to foolishly keeping my brother afloat, I'm in critical debt again. I was debt free in 2020 except for our shared car note on a car that I don't have any access to any longer. I closed my 401K (and had to pay the resulting fees and taxes) in 2017 to buy a car so that he wouldn't lose his job, even though I didn't get my own license until 2023. That car wasn't for my benefit at all, no matter how he tried to spin it or how hard I ignored the truth.
That fucking car has been a constant financial drain and stressor, even after he promised to pay the note himself since I didn't have access any longer. This is after I managed to get out from the debt in 2018 that I incurred getting the car out of delinquency--delinquency that he hid from me for months rather than just tell me that he couldn't pay the monthly note. I only found out about the car's impending impounding due to the bank finally calling me after he ignored their calls for months. I cleaned out my entire bank account paying fees and penalties because he was too fucking "ashamed" and prideful to just fucking gut up and admit that he needed help--help that I could have provided without incurring fees!
Then, rather than use his stimuluses in 2020 to pay down the car, he went on trips, paid other bills, and bought weed and energy drinks. Because he refuses to get a job that's "beneath" him and he can't find consistent work as a construction worker, he's chronically behind on his bills and the car is always always always the one that he ignores because, "well, Nikki will take care of it!"
He won't get a part-time job in between construction work; he won't get a temporary job to get caught up on his bills; he won't even do remote work like Text Broker. Nope; he just whines about how broke he is while smoking weed, playing video games, and drinking enough energy drinks to destroy his liver.
Now I'm nearly $3,000 in credit card debt with absolutely no money to my name. He already owes me $1,000 for the movers that I hired when we stopped living together because he was working out-of-town. I didn't see any of that extra money, by the way. No; I spent the weeks leading up to us moving out packing his stuff in between working forty hours a week and trying to find a place to live myself. He was fine and dandy, living with his then-girlfriend and making bank--and then he had the absolute gall to guilt-trip me when that didn't pan out and I'd already found a place to live. To him, I was the easy backup. I was the "always there."
This isn't unique to him. I do this with all of the men in my life and I JUST FUCKING LET THEM TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME. Because I'm afraid to lose them, because I'm afraid of their anger, because God forbid I protect my boundaries. Because that's what I'm for: to be the bank and the nanny and the therapist.
Now I'm in massive debt with no money. I'm applying to jobs that will kill me, either emotionally or spiritually, because I actually pay my debts. I'm about to apply to the slaughterhouse, even though I will genuinely lose my mind if I work there, because it's something and I can't be in debt any more. I can't, I can't, I won't.
I don't know what to do. No one will hire me. My credit score is rapidly tanking from the credit card debt. I owe my dad $300+ because I used his money in my bank account to pay the car payment this month. I keep saying, "I'll let the bill default. I'll let the bank take the car. I won't keep letting him treat me this way." And then I don't change anything. He keeps pulling me down and I keep letting him because it's my credit on the line.
I just need a job. I would love to be a lazy bastard who just sleeps in and plays video games and gets to be all high-and-mighty about politics and regularly asks for mutual aid but hasn't donated to a cause in years, as far as I'm aware. However, I need to pay my bills. I need to pay my debt. I need to take care of the house.
I fucking applied to Walmart. I swore that I'd never work in a department store again. Working at Target genuinely drove me insane: daily screaming anxiety attacks in the walk-in coolers were a feature. Too bad about that; someone has to keep this fucking family alive. None of my older siblings can or will and my younger brother (rightfully) refuses to drown with everyone else. I don't blame him; this family is a cesspit.
I just want a job. I don't want to work my ass off for shitheels and shitty pay and no benefits but them's the breaks. And even the fucking entry-level jobs that hire literal children won't hire me. "Now Hiring!" What a crock of shit.
I hate being poor. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate the cold and the dirt and the fear and the heat and the stress. I hate not being able to buy my friends' art or donate to charity or give money to my family or take people out to dinner. I had plans! I had so many plans and I can't do any of them without money! I just want to have nice drinks in my fridge for guests and not have to worry about the cost. I just want to be able to shrug off ten dollars on a grocery error and not have a panic attack because that's ten whole dollars.
I just want, for just fucking once, to actually have enough money without incurring more debt through credit cards or fines or loans. I just want to be able to do nice things for people without constantly freaking out about every penny. I just don't want any more nightmares about living in dank, dripping filth or losing all of my possessions or working to the bone.
I'm not doing well.
#Notes by Nikki#mental health#mental illness#depression#depressive#mental breakdown#mental problems#emotional breakdown#job hunt#job hunting#work search#work searching#family#emotional pain#I'm doing my best to tag this so people can ignore#mental pain#also I'm sleeping like shit#due to the heat and stress#I have no appetite
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I definitely have not eaten enough but hhh
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
guys i hve not had anything since breakfast today
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#my brain has lost every ounce of its will to live#and now it wants to start dopamine chasing#or really any sort of happy hormone chasing#it isn't being picky#i slept in until 1 today because i was having nice dreams and i didn't want them to stop#i normally get up around 7 or 8#i have no appetite#i think my brain has officially shorted out
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i've lost 15 pounds oh my god i'm so happy and proud of myself
now only like 40 more oof but i've got this, i'm still super motivated 🤗
hope all of you are having a lovely day! stay hydrated!!
#idk what happened#but i just cant make myself eat#for the past week or so#i have no appetite#the few times i tried to eat i was rly grossed out#ended up throwing over half of it away#i gotta ride this wave as far as i can#my mental health has been great too#like not depressed i mean#i feel content
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
valentines is officially over now thank fuck. my bf dumped me a couple weeks ago and I am not taking it well
pls send thoughts and prayers, I do not wanna feel like this anymore
#grief hits me like a freight train and i do not enjoy it#like#i have no appetite#i cant get out of bed for anything#i dont feel like doing anything but marathoning criminal minds 12 hours a day and sleeping for 10#i barely even feel like smoking weed#i keep trying to tell myself that its gonna be okay but its gonna be different#but I dont want it to be different#i love him#anyways#mine#personal#rant#tw mental illness#tw sucidal ideation#tw sui talk
0 notes
Text
"It hurts me when I see you here every day."
Well shit dude what the fuck do you want me to do about it? Abracadabra my way into a new apartment? So sorry I'm taking up space within your line of sight, let me just sneak around a bit more so you don't have to feel anything inconvenient.
#im on fhe verge of a stress breakdown#im barely sleeping#i have no appetite#im hanging on by my fucking fingernails here what more do you want?
0 notes
Text
“Take my hand” a comic for NaruMitsu Week 2023
day 1 - lies & secrets - 2 - 3 - 4
#nmweek23#narumitsu#wrightworth#phoenix wright#miles edgeworth#probably more accurate to say this is mnm? or nmn or whatever lol#so treat the ship name lightly and dont get mad when miles [redacted redacted redacted redacted] yknow?#i wouldnt spoil it wheres the fun in that ¬‿¬#fan art#fan comic#aa#rendevok#this is like. vaguely aa5 and on because i couldnt be assed to play those games yet#love their waistcoats tho YUM#also future warning i still suck at writing so if this is ooc! i’m sorry idk what im doing but i sure am doing it bb#i’ll update this post with links to the others as i post them! you’re in for about 30 pages so ♡ ♡ ♡ hope you have an appetite for sweets#(i say as if i didnt just post angst) IT WAS THE PROMPTS. THE PROMPTS MADE ME DO IT
6K notes
·
View notes
Text
i see reminders to take your meds all the time and thats great but heres your reminder to get your meds refilled! to call your pharmacy! to pick up your refills while the pharmacy is still open! you cant take whats not there, its super important that you stay on top of getting your refills
#this post is for me lol i have to tell myself this rn#i was putting off picking up my refills#so now ive been out of my antideppresents and appetite increasers for days and im struggling#tw meds#tw pills#pills#meds#medication#pharmacy#neurodivergent#mental illness#nd#mental health awareness#schizophrenia#schizophrenic#psychosis#actuallyschizophrenic#pseriouslypsychotic
19K notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel 15 again running to tumblr to speak on how scared I am for my friends to figure out I have an ed again
0 notes
Text
Less than a week and not a day has gone by where I haven't felt like I've come close to fainting at least once.
#emetophobia tw#alright so i have been throwing up nearly every day#i throw up foam#i have no appetite#i got prescribed... something? which is supposed to help#but i haven't taken it yet#i feel weak and tired all the time#my mind is blurry#and i've been annoyed at the smallest things#not at anyone on tumblr though#but definitely been getting uncharacteristically annoyed at my best friend#and finding everything my aunt does even more annoying than usual#i tried to get out of bed and flopped onto the floor instead#nice#i've just been feeling sad and sick and broken all the time#i am exhausted#everything feels like it's too much to handle#i can't deal with this#i'm just done
0 notes
Note
i am in love with your sollux i think
sollux love party :]
if you’re interested heres some of my personal fondness thoughts on him..
big warning for the mega long read ahead aye
as we alr know sollux's rejection of participation somewhat mirrors dave's rejection of heroism, but even without getting cooked to completion i still find sollux's character v compelling beyond the fourth wall
as someone who doesnt get a pinch of that Protagonist Sparkle to begin with, he can openly say he wants to leave anytime…. and unlike dave, he actually Can leave the scene anytime. but he can never be truly Free from the story via permanent character death like the other trolls.
his irrelevancy is indeed relevant - he’s there so u can point him out.
while his image is intended to be a relic of past internet subculture, his role is not only about hehehaha being a Chad or a 2000s cyberforum 2²chan haxxor ragequit gamebro.
his continued existence also happens to add a Bit to the overarching themes of homestuck! a Bit that gives him longer-lasting thematic relevance compared to the trolls who could’ve had more character potential but didnt get to survive beyond the main story.
the Bit in question:
his defiance contributes to the illusion of agency (treating characters = people with autonomy). he���s “aware” of it, and that recognition is worth noting enough to forcibly keep him alive as both reward and punishment.
considering how his personality & classpect is designed its definitely a very haha thing for hussie to do LOL. he’s made to be op asf so he's resigned to doing dirty work, gradually deteriorating along the way but never truly dying. as fans have mentioned before, him openly rejecting involvement after a while of grim tolerance is like if the sim u were controlling suddenly stopped, looked up and gave u the finger while u were step six into the walkthrough for Every Possible Sim Death Animation.
but since he’s just a sim… the more he hates it, the more you keep him around. if ur sim started complaining abt your whimsical household storyline you’d definitely keep that little fuck.
but yeah i like that sollux is just idling. the significance of his presence being that one dude who's always reliably Somewhere, root core Unchanged, no individual ambitions (possibly due to fear of consequence?), and design-wise: a staple representative product of his time.
compared to dirk's character, who has aged phenomenally well into the present (themes of control + AR + artificial intelligence, clearer exploration around navigating relationships/sexuality, infinite possibilities of self-splinterhood and trait inheritance), sollux's potential is really... contained. bitter. defeatist. limiting and frustrating in the way old tech is.
the world continues moving on to shinier, brighter, more advanced automated things - minimalist and metaverse or whatever but sollux is still here 🧍♂️ going woohoo redblue 3d. (tho personally i imagine his vibe similar to what the kids call cassette futurism on pinterest mixed w more grimy grunge insectoid influences eheh)
conceptually-speaking,
at the foundation of it all, the rapid pace of modern development was built off the understanding of ppl like sollux in the past, who were There actively at work while the dough was still beginning to rise
thats one of the cool things abt the idea of trolls preceding humans! the idea that trolls like sollux excelled back when lots of basic shit still needed to be discovered, building structures like networks and codes from scratch, and humans will eventually inherit and reinvent that knowledge in ways that become so optimized it makes the old manual effort seem archaic, slow, and labour-intensive.
but despite information/resources/shortcuts being more accessible now, much of the new highly-anticipated stuff released on trend still end up unfinished, inefficient, or expiring quickly due to cutting corners under severe capitalistic pressures
meanwhile, some of the old stuff frm past generations of thorough, exploratory and perfectionistic development still remains working, complete, and ever so sturdy.
those things continue to exist, just outside our periphery with either:
zero purpose left for modern needs (outdated/obsolete)
or
far too important to replace or destroy, bcs of its surprisingly essential and circumstantial usefulness in one niche specific area.
which are honestly? both points that sum up sollux pree well.
dramatic ending sorry. anw are u still on the fence or are u Sick abt him like me </3
#ask#anon#sollux captor#homestuck#hs2 spoilers#2023#vioart#hs2 sollux explaining girls and bitches to john: 🗣️🗣️🗣️#mr foods‚ setting up the visuals: LMAO ok pause. cool story bro theyre all gone its just u n ur sandwich bro.#now that i think abt it sol's kind of a toaster? awkwardly takes up countertop space#lacks the versatility and sociability of an air fryer/pressure cooker. unwashed and littered w crumbs!#but sometimes the clear‚ frank simplicity of the toaster is a temporary lifesaver for ppl who struggle w low appetite / decision fatigue#or ppl who just have a habit of eating toast for breakfast LOL#and eh ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ even if u dont feel like toasting today thats ok he's still gonna be sitting there 👍👍#a funnyman..... i curse him in my pan but root for him in my biscuit 🫶
1K notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
shmuelgrimorie
𝕾𝖍𝖒𝖚'𝖊𝖑
sthefyta
matt 🍓
ralome
Bark
applegates
Untitled
wanderingpen
A Disaster and a Half