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theminecraftbee · 6 months

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task: answer the following question. do you believe in curses? respond as completely with relevant information as possible.

Grian: Well, that's a lie. This isn't a task. I know it's not a task, I set the things up! Not sure why we're getting a question as pointless as this one, but sure, mysterious scroll, I'll answer. There's no such thing as curses, unless you're Timmy, in which case it's funny, yeah? Besides, I didn't actually kill Etho. Even if that did count, self-fulfilling prophecies aren't the same thing as curses, and I know which one I fall under.

Joel: Do I believe in bloody curses what kind of question is that? Do I really get hearts just for answering this? This feels like a prank or something... well, whatever. There are no such thing as curses, except the Boogeyman curse, which I sort of had today, but it wasn't actually the same at all. A lot of the bloodlust, sure, but a lot more... Etho had to be the one to do it, huh? And it's not the same. Not comforting. That's a stupid thing to say actually. Take it out of wherever you're putting this. Cut it out of the recording. Comforting. Please. As if it were ever... Yeah, I'm done actually. Don't have a good answer. Go away.

Scott: What, other than Jimmy? Bless that man, he may not have died first, but he sure tried his best. Sure, I'll believe Jimmy is cursed. I mean, mostly he's just kind of stupid. Lovingly so. I mean, despite him being stupid, I put up with him, right? That seems like a complete answer to this question. Jimmy's an omen but we put up with him anyway. That's all.

Mumbo: NO RESPONSE GIVEN.

Pearl: Oh, I mean, I'm probably cursed. That's what everyone liked to say at one point. I think... I mean, I think this time I have good friends, which is nice. They don't think I'm cursed. And it's not like I--I mean, it's surprisingly fun, acting cursed! And I am just acting. Acting scary, blowing up dance floors, all of that. And I don't really have to this time, so... Maybe I'm not cursed? And since it's acting, it's not real? This is a weird question.

Etho: Oh, man, that's a question. Um, do I have to answer? Because I feel like if I say no, that's really just asking for it, but if I say yes, I have to explain myself. Uh, I think I'm abstaining, unless the zombie thing from earlier counts. That was scary and I hated it. Curses are scary and I hate them in general, but apparently I'm good at them, if you ask everyone else. Um, it's not the only thing I find scary that apparently I'm good at.

Scar: Why, of course I believe in curses! Look at poor, poor... Timbert? Timmy? Jim? Gosh, sorry, I'm very tired right now. That's more proof of curses, by the way! That I'm tired. I've been tired straight since the desert, let me tell you what. And that, my friends, is a curse like no other. What a terrible beast, loneliness is. Wish me luck breaking it, because it's not happening this season!

Cleo: Oh, you mean the thing people like to blame instead of their own actions? Nah. My soulbond was kind of a curse, I guess, but even that's at least half just... bad people. Bad relationships. Good ones, too. We're all just doing what you can, you know? No script, no curses, no characters, just... Oh, I hope everything turns out tomorrow. Sorry, that's unrelated. It's just nicer to hope than to preemptively blame things on curses that don't exist.

Impulse: Well, I mean, I didn't until you just asked me that, but now I feel like I should. Wouldn't that be nice? Being cursed instead of just sort of unlovable? Sorry, no, that's mean to Gem. I shouldn't say that about Gem, she's been good this season. Super, super cursed, mind you, in the like, game mechanic sense? But she's been good, no backstabbing or inability to get love involved. Um, and I guess that's not fair to Bdubs, kind of, except it also totally is and I haven't forgiven him. So I guess if they ask I said I believed in curses, and that's why my life keeps circling clocks? Don't put any of that other stuff down, I'm trying to work on that.

Lizzie: NO RESPONSE GIVEN.

Gem: I was just cursed for a task, but that probably isn't what you're asking about, right? I'm new, so I don't know! A task is a concrete thing to believe in, like bloodshed or victory or fun and games. You don't have to believe in those to know they're real, either! They just are, whether you like it or not. I understand that much!

Tango: Gah, don't talk to me about... Deep breaths. Look, I don't care if it's a curse, or if it's just me being really bad, or what, I'm not going out pointlessly this time. Jimmy managed not to die first, I can manage to not go out to a stray arrow or my own bomb or a misstep this time, right? Is that so much to ask?

Skizz: Huh? Curses? I mean, I don't think so, and to be totally honest I think it's kind of mean the way people sometimes rag on people about them. Everyone's got so many good things about them! Why do people like to focus on the unfortunate luck, huh?

Bdubs: Hah! Curses! Let me tell you about curses. When I see curses, I eat them for breakfast. I don't got curses, I've got better things to do! I've got my buddies with the Mounders, and I've got-well, I'd say keeping Etho safe, but he's being weird at me again this season. Not that it matters. It never matters. Etho and I, we're... The point is, that doesn't matter anyway, because I have the Mounders, and they're the ones who matter here. And because I'm a strong, independent Bdubs, who doesn't need anyone but my bow and my perfect, flawless fighting prowess! Sorry, what was the question? I've been thinking so much lately that it's just sort of made everything else pop out of my head, so it's hard to keep track. I'm sure I answered it flawlessly, though.

Martyn: Of course there are curses. That's half the fun for you lot, isn't it? Putting your little curses on us and watching us rail against them. Bet you think it's real cute to ask us what we think of the things, too. "Oh, what do you think of curses," like we have any control over them. Please. If I had any control over curses, Jimmy--or, well, no, I guess that one was technically broken, wasn't it? Sure doesn't feel like it. Point is, curses are bad, and they're definitely real, and I hate you for them, got it?

BigB: Look, man, if you're trying to get me to write my character out for you, just say so! I won't tell anyone. We can come up with a hole thing about holes and red tasks and the Backrooms together! It'll be fun! After all, you probably don't know what kind of curse to say I have, right? Haha, just kidding. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Luckily, neither does anyone else, so I think that evens out between the lot of us.

Jimmy: NO RESPONSE GIVEN.

#secret life smp #a bee fic #not tagging everyone in this because it's. everyone #anyway i have wanted to write this for like TWO WEEKS so i figured that now's as good a time as any #anyway this is probably as thinly disguised as my character meta gets #we talk a LOT in this fandom about curses #we talk about whether we like them as fanon we talk about whether we dislike them we talk about who has them we talk about why #we talk about if they're here or broken or anything else #so i'd like to think the characters have an opinion on curses too after how much talking about them we've been doing #...at least the characters around to tell us their opinions do.#(anyway for all I claim this is thinly disguised character meta it IS actually of note that this isn’t actually about if they believe)#(but instead about how they’d respond if they were asked)#(hence why half of them don’t even answer the right question)#(this is why I’m not good at character meta btw)

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magi-the-writer · 2 months

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‘How long has it been?’

I couldn’t help but ask myself, staring blankly at the ceiling like the many times before.

The room was dark, done so purposefully—with both the bedroom and bathroom door closed tightly. The thick curtains were drawn and even the shutters were brought down. All in an attempt to keep me in the dark.

But it wasn’t entirely pitch black.

The warm glow of the light within the hallway leaked in through the edges of the doorframe. Lighting that part of the hall in a dim warmth.

‘Maybe he feels bad?’

That is a question I know is a lie.

But the dim glow truthfully wasn’t enough for me to keep myself entertained by tracing over each expensive painting that hung on the walls.

Going over every line like I had painted it myself—guessing how and which stroke of the brush was done and came first. Or how—after getting bored from that, I’d move on to watching the small bugs that zip around the ceiling light.

Only to die and fall by the small jumping spiders that like to live within the fancy glass.

I was left in here by that man to stare at the dark. Mostly to,

're-think my resent behaviour,’

and

‘come up with a suitable apology for my childish act.’

‘Honestly, it was so stupid.’ I couldn’t help but remark to myself. Whether it truly was a reflection of my actions, or a statement in regards to something else.

What else could it be—at this point, it could honestly be anything.

My teeth chewed at the inner-side of my cheeks, having nothing else to do but that small act of self-mutilation.

I knew there wasn’t much point in wriggling about this bed like a worm. Even when I’ve crinkled the god-awful satin sheet, somehow nudging the thick duvets to the floor and pulled up the matching fitted sheet with nothing but my exposed toes.

In the end, all that hard work only gets me encased within the cool fabric that I distain and ultimately exhausted.

And truth be told, it would be satisfying if only to serve as a minor annoyance to the man that dub himself as my lover.

But in reality, all it really does is cause the devil to chuckle a the hilarity of the sight.

He’ll come in when he believes i have learnt my lesson. Lean against that door and say something with amusement, the condescension hidden under his carefully crafted words. Hiding it so well, even I struggle to spot it.

That, and he’ll smile lovingly as if my little act of defiance isn’t a future inconvenience at all.

Just to saunter to my bedside, lanky fingers brushing through my staticy hair. Pulling the strands that hid my face from his view. Reveling my forehead as he'd place a soft kiss upon the crown of my head with his bottom-heavy lips.

Just to leave me like I am now, to wallow in my spite and shiver in regret as he’d turn the AC down just that slightest bit.

To be a petty betty as he’d wear that stupid grin at my pitiful state. Knowing full well there wasn’t a damn thing I could do.

All that I am and would have been, taken. Robbed all in one night; all I have left are memories, memories that have been tainted and ruined in some form of way by him.

‘I have to go and delude myself into thinking I have some semblance of control… but what else am I supposed to do?’ Frowning, the frustrated tears prickled my eyes once again.

Stinging the already puffy and irritated skin that surrounded my eyes.

Other then this, crying is the only thing I can do. And it only frustrates me more.

Outside of my delusions of grandeur, I have nothing. Everything I own either doesn’t belong to me, and the things that I once owned are gone.

Him… him, him, him, him, HIM!

…

God, I hate it. I hate him—and yet, I can’t find it in myself to despise him…

Out of everything he’s done, out of all that he’s shown me… never once did he do something to make me loath him.

‘It’s so fucking sick,’

Disgust.

I am so disgusted with myself.

I can’t find it in my soul to blame him—I know I should. Everything is his fault, but I can’t.

In some twisted way, I place the ounces on myself.

He may have placed the restraints, but I caused the chaffing that now caused my writs to bleed. His soft touches and lingering hugs and sickly-sweet kisses that he gives me… it’s all my fault.

I wouldn’t be dressed and bounded in the one fabric I despised next to felt and velvet if only I stop deluding myself.

And yet, I can’t—I can’t except that nothing will ever be normal with him.

I can’t except that I am a prisoner here and he’s the warden that dictates the show. I can’t except that I’ll never return home again. To be surrounded by my family… and that all of this is just some silly, little nightmare within a dream.

‘If only we lived in a perfect world…’

Closing my eyes, in a perfect world the son of Lucifer would have never grown possessed. Never become obsessed—never fell into the false-sunken fallacy that was the idea of being in love with me.

The slow drawn of the door’s hinges had dragged me back to the present. The warm glow of the hallway’s light flooded the room.

Casting the four walls in a faded glow, I didn’t need to guess who it was standing at the door.

His figure blocked some of the light, casting an unintentional elongated silhouette that stretched from the doorway and came right out from my nightmares.

Traveling along the floor, over the bed—shadowing my bounded form and against the wall.

‘I don’t need a paralysis demon when I have him.’ I dryly laughed at the bland joke.

He was akin to a monster from the deepest depths anyways.

Though I doubt I’d ever voice my thoughts about him. So, I remained quiet. My throat unintentionally clenched as my heart started to beat faster within my chest.

I was nervous—no, anxious for what was to come as I always was around him. Especially after punishments. Even though he’s never laid a hand upon me once as a punishment.

‘Well in a non-abusive way anyway’s.’ I noted, recalling the copious number of times when the palm of his hand would roll.

Caressing the sides of my arms, groping my waist and grabbing hips. Ghosting my behind when he’s forced me to sit in his lap… or when that one time. The time where I was the weakest… where I craved some form of comfort.

A time where I nearly begged him to rub my stomach, to place pressure over the cramps that left me feeling feeble in the knees.

How his fingers would brush my cheeks, run through my hair and attentively attempt to brush against what lays between my thighs.

Or how he’ll hold me against his chest as we sleep, his grip never faltering—even when he slept… it was something akin to young child, clinging onto a stuffed toy for dear life.

An attempt to make them forget the shouting of your parents and the smashing of ceramics.

But perhaps that’s me projecting. A small part of me, a part from a past long since gone. Creeped, making me wonder…

‘When will he snap? When will his patience’s run dry… and—and…’ The thought alone had my heart sinking, and the pit in my stomach attempting to swallow me hole.

A fear of mine that ran deep since I was little; I’ve seen the things he’s done, just the memory alone makes me nauseous, and once again. I feel like I’m back to being a child when he’s around.

Helpless.

“Darling,” the soft drawl of his voice was like honey-due.

Sweet… homely and devious with hidden intent.

A beat of silence rung; sometimes I wished he could never tell if I was awake or asleep. I wish he was as clueless as I am each night when I lay awake.

Sleepless from the countless rampt thoughts that kept my brain from subcoming to melatonin.

I’d find myself staring at his peaceful face as he’d slumber for hours.

Undisturbed by the monstrosities he and his gang of thieves have caused through the years.

Sometimes my hand has a mind of its own, I’d find myself brushing his raven locks from his face. Tucking the silky strands behind his ears.

Sometimes he’ll wake up, it always startles me. But I felt angry when he’d sleepily snuggle his cheek into my open palm. Sniffing my wrist as his eyes stared into my own with… with something akin to adoration.

And I fucking loath it.

But other times, he remained unshaken. Fast asleep as his pale skin was like the moon in the dark. Soft and illuminous under the soft glow.

And at nights like that, he looks absolutely stunning.

And for all the nights, where I’m too stir-crazy to drift to sleep. I find myself questioning.

‘I wonder if he regret the choices he’s made? Do he also have nightmares of his past… is he just as haunted by his childhood like I am?’

Is that why he is the way he is?

God, am I possessed by the ghost of my past the longer I am trapped here with him. Memories I believed I had long since forgotten, or never even knew existent came bursting to the forefront.

I could be doing anything…

Showering, eating, reading, laying in bed or on the couch. Forced to cuddle in the arms of my abductor.

Terrible, calamitous memories that have me quietly weeping into my hands when I am alone…

Or just one day collapsing into a heaping mess before the devil.

It’s a wonder as to why my older sisters turned out the way they did…

Sometimes, I wish to bleach my eyes.

Burn them with the fancy candles the demon brings to my feet as gifts to show his affection. I have to resist the urge to claw them from my skull, to finally have peace from the hideous flashes of what that man I call my father did…

Other times, I crave to ram the burrow my kidnapper would use in his puzzles. When he’s not quiet in the mood to read, I like to imagen how deep that black pen would go into my ear.

All so that I can silence my sisters please, to mute my mother’s cries of regret.

But instead of the man that loitered over my childhood. Crushing—destroying any semblance of my innocents and casting an endless fear that tremor still to this day… My phobia of falling in love with anyone, in a deep apprehension of falling into an endless cycle of abuse.

It was him. The man that stood at the door, my kidnapper and self-proclaimed lover.

Chrollo Lucifer

But like how I couldn’t read him most of the time, it was the opposite for him. Chrollo could read me like a book.

Picking me off from the shelf that is surrounded by many other books he has collected. I was apparently his favourite to read—out of all his favourites. Something he’ll never grew tired of… or so he proclaims.

He will trace his hand over my cover, caressing the thick spine and spreading open my pages. His eyes reading every word inside, annotating and studying everything written upon the fickle pages. Memorising each sentence and dissecting that of my life tale.

He was a terrifying force of nature.

“I see you’ve kept yourself busy,” his eyes traced over the bedding. Seeing the satin sheet crumped on the floor, once again rejected and abandoned along with the duvet that hanged halfway off the bed.

The velvet fabric showing where I brushed up against the tuff.

And the pillows were pressed to the ends of the bed...

What else did he expect?

“I hope whatever is left of your tantrum had subsided—I’d hate for you to stay like this.” With a tilt of his head, I couldn’t see his face, the warm glow of the ceiling light never reached it… or perhaps it casted the truth.

Showcasing the true him.

I couldn’t help how my body trembled. It was such a struggle to remind myself that even though Chrollo is a horrible being. There are monsters that exceeded him in other ways.

The shadow that casted over his face was a reflection of his soul.

Black and rotten, the symbol of a demonic evil that will possess your soul. And from greed, he will consume you until there is nothing left…

Or prophases it’s a reflection of who Chrollo really is. Under the mask that is the skin of his flesh that makes up all his gentlemanly suave and charming nature. Lays an empty man. Someone that has nothing is nothing.

Hollow from his past, gutted by a void that is ever consuming.

Sucking in everything like a vacuume, love… hate… envy… gluttony. He collects it all, an endless appetite to become someone, to be someone who he isn’t. All so that he could fulfill the emptiness that forever lives inside him.

And like predicted, the repeat in his behaviour was close to clock work as he walked.

Entering our shared bedroom—but unlike the usual. Unlike what I expected, instead of heading to the bedside, where he’d kneel down to stare at my back.

The antichrist or broken child; depending on how one would veiw a shattered man like Chrollo began crawl straight across the bed.

My breath hitched as it wasn’t long before he replaced his shadow. Hovering over me, his arms caged me under him—I felt so, so small beneath him.

The white button up tucked into the tux slacks that were held by his belt.

This was Chrollo’s casual wear, with his hair down—framing his face, the middle was parted to show off his forehead. The tattoo stood out against his pale skin. My eyes remained trained on his face, staring up into his black eyes.

The obsidian hues were true to the analogy of when you stare into the void, it stares back.

I never know what Chrollo is thinking.

“Hm, though. I see you have yet to pull off the fitted sheet…” His eyes drifted to the white linin that clung to the mattress underneath. The silky thing continued to cause an irrational ire.

My sense of smell was consumed by his colonel. And admittedly, the smell was good. Pleasant to my nose and at times, helped ease my anxiety.

And that only irritated me beyond what is normal.

His cold hand moved, gently cupping my cheek. His lips pressed into a frown; his thumb brushed under my puffy eye.

Swiping at the tear stained cheek, he leaned down.

Forehead pressing to mine, his breath reeked of expensive wine.

And like many things in this world.

I despised alcohol.

It makes people do terrible things… or it only pushes the true you out for the world to see…

Either way, alcohol is a sin that ruins more lives than people realise.

“You’ve been crying again…” he mused, though his tone lacked any sense of amusement. His eyes were half-lidded, an obvious sign that the alcohol was affecting him… or maybe it’s something else.

There are times it seems Chrollo enjoys it when I weep.

Maybe it’s because when I cry, I cling to him because he’s the only living thing that’ll whisper affirming words. He’ll gladly hug me back, holding me firmly and easing away my sorrows—it’s the only moment where I genially hug him.

Not because he asked, or forced me into one, but because I desire to feel safe… to feel something other than depression. Something that isn’t the consuming worry of becoming like my mother.

A fucking coward.

Or maybe because he enjoys consuming my suffering, perhaps it’s a way to make him feel better. Or because he’s a monster. A demon, a devil—Lucifer incarnate.

Either way, it’s a mystery.

“(YN)”

Drawing me from the depths of my thoughts, his nose slid beside my own as his eyes closed.

Pressing down on my legs, he sat upon them, and just like my hands, my ankles were bounded just as tightly.

His other hand moved, laying against my chest. Just above the protrusion of my breasts. His hand slipped. Sliding up my collarbone and up my arm. Closing in on the silk restraints.

“Be good for me, and I will untie you.”

He spoke in a whisper, his tone still sticky like honey...

“…alright,” my voice, barely above a whisper. Near close to just being mute slipped from my throat.

Maybe he’s like my father… maybe he’s different—or perhaps he’s something else entirely.

Chrollo’s frown turned, a smile—so small, but noticeable enough appeared.

With a simple tug, the binds came undone as he pressed his lips gently against my own in a chaste kiss.

And all that I could conclude when his one kiss turned to two. That swiftly delve into something a kin to passion.

even if it means I live within a delusion, failing to admit that I am already there.

All I can do now… is hope he isn’t. Pray to a dead god that might not even exist he’s different… that Chrollo won’t fill the role in a cycle I wish to never repeat in.

But at the end of the day, I disgust myself.

…

Because I wish, I hope and pray to the real devil that Chrollo is a monster to everyone but me… That he isn’t like my father. And never commit the sins that he inflicted upon my siblings and that coward I call a mother.

I hope the past never repeats…

#yandere #yandere x reader #x reader #hunter x hunter #yandere hunter x hunter #chrollo lucilfer #yandere chrollo lucilfer #chrollo x reader #yandere chrollo #Yandere Chrollo Lucilfer x reader

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geralts-yenn · 5 months

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2023 character wrapped

@deandoesthingstome knows too well I get a little obsessive over some characters - let's see if I can make it to nine (or if I can stop at nine 😁 a look onto my masterlist that's barely a year old tells me we will get there)

Here we go...

My no 1: No surprise here - Mikey

He's my precious silly boy and I will never stop loving him. As part of a family of lunatics here or here, as our best friend, or as the cute neighbor who steals the heart of Nina and Mel

2. Melot

I blame @raccoon-eyed-rebel for introducing me to the slutty lil' braid boy. Just look at that grumpy, miserable little guy. I can't help but thinking about how to make him feel better. That's why he gets the love from not only one but two lovely persons in my Hearts Too Big universe. He's still not quite happy as a vampire in Believe in Me, but I swear we'll get to it.

3. Syverson

Not much of a surprise - how could I not love him? He's the character I read the most this year, for sure. But I also loved to write him into my bonfire story and it's follow up. I was yearning for him and I imagined him as a daddy 🥰

4. Evan

Oh, he was a surprise for me. Even though I liked his character in the movie, I didn't intend to write for him. Until a lovely nonnie put him into my brain and started to fuel my obsession with him here, here and here.

5. Walter

The grumpy bear was always a favorite of me when it came to reading but I was a little scared to write him by myself. In the end, I'm quite happy with the outcome when I finally dared.

6. August Walker

Another one that I love but didn't dare to write. Until it was too tempting to add him as the vampire king in Believe in Me. And then those little pieces of smut here and here with the vampire king were surprisingly easy to write.

7. Napoleon Solo

I love the smooth spy. I had so much fun to pair him up with the lovely Amina and I totally plan to get back to Leon sometime in the future

8. Charles

I wish I had more time to explore his character. I love him so much - especially when he's put into a modern AU. I kinda did this to him as my sidekick for Melot. And I have a wip in my folders, sleeping for way too long, where he's the most annoying and yet adorable duke. I really hope I get to the point where I can introduce him to you.

That's everyone I have written for this year. But I surely don't stop here with obsessing

I won't count Geralt, Will and all the other characters of Henry Cavill because this post is already too long for anyone to read, lol.

But I surely have to count the man himself

9. Henry Cavill

Yes, I am obsessed with this man and I am not sorry! I guess I won't ever get back to the unfinished RPF that got me into writing at all but I will not stop loving the adorkable man that he is.

And then there are still some guys that don't look like Henry:

9. Dean Winchester

I had almost forgotten how much I loved him. Until I introduced the teenager to Supernatural and spent a lot of evenings this year watching that stupid little shit 😍

10. Billy Russo

One of my favorite roles for Ben. And so many good fics out there that I need to explore at some point.

11. Jack Reacher

Very recent addition to the hunks in my head. I love the new season and I'm definitely not immune to that man's visual charms.

I think I will stop here, even if I could name probably another 12...

@ellethespaceunicorn @peyton--warren @gummydummy19 @jvanilly @ronearoundblindly @ylva-syverson want to talk about your favorite characters?

#tag game #2023 character wrapped #Sorry #I know this is unhealty #but I love them all

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invisiblegarters · 11 months

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I waffled for weeks about this show without watching, because I don't like Krist and frankly Gawin was just not enough incentive for me to get past that. I've only ever seen him in Not Me and he played a drip of a character and in my not so humble (or quiet, really, I've talked about this before) opinion let his onscreen partner carry the entire BL aspect of his storyline. Sorry but I believed that Dan was into Yok like I believe that there really is a pot of gold at the end of that proverbial rainbow. Nice try, Lucky Charms, but I'm not buying, is what I'm saying. And while that wasn't really that huge of a deal in something like Not Me, which had a lot going on besides the romance stuff, in a show like this where it seemed most of the point was the romance, I just wasn't into putting myself through it.

Anyway, despite my best efforts I kept seeing posts about how unexpectedly good this show was so I finally bit the stupid bullet and gave it a try. I figured at the very least it could be background noise while I did something else.

But then it happened. I, too, fell in love with this drama, and now I'm sitting here getting ready to write a small love letter to it. So what the hell happened? Did I discover a new appreciation for Krist? Did Gawin's pretty pretty face finally win me over? Was I just bored?

The answers are no, yeah maybe, and ha, yes but also no, respectively.

The thing is that the show is pretty cute. It is, I won't deny it. Both Krist and Gawin are actually very good at comedy, and hey, it turns out that Gawin as Pisaeng is actually really charming. Good to know. But if that were all this show wouldn't have burrowed into my head so much and I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for Friday for reasons other than the weekend.

So, here, a list of what I'm enjoying about this show.

1. Kawi isn't a likable character. No, really. I know people do like him, but to me he just isn't. And to be honest I'm not entirely sure he's meant to be, at least not yet. Kawi is a dumb shit who let his negative perception of his life color every aspect of that life and then turned around and blamed other people for what he's mostly done to himself. Yes, I do see where some of it was beyond his control, for sure, I'm not denying that. But to me, his biggest problem is that he let his own insecurities and worries cripple him and instead of seeing that and taking accountability or trying to move forward, he insists on believing that if he can change just one aspect of his life (namely, not confessing that he drew his crush's name from a "buddy" box while in uni), that everything will work out. And then he gets his chance and guess what? Things aren't actually that simple. Kawi has a ways to go, but watching him look back on his life and try to start working on his relationships (and then, through those relationships, himself) is a joy to see. I hope for even more growth as the show continues. He's not learning in leaps and bounds either, and I like that. He does stupid things. He tries to fit in with people that are just not worth being around. He says some truly awful things to people and he blames one specifically for things he isn't even responsible for. But when it's pointed out to him that he's being an ass, he listens. He internalizes and he reacts accordingly. Kawi is the type of person that resonates with me because I see how easy it would be to be someone like that, if I let my insecurities drive me and didn't credit my own opinion enough. I think that his instincts are good - the people he seems most drawn to are decent, straightforward people who are gentle but not so soft they let others walk over them. People who are very good for someone like him, and who will encourage him to trust in himself more, not just follow what they tell him. I look forward to seeing his development as we go on. I don't think he's likeable currently, but I think that I will grow to like him, and I'm looking forward to that, too. He may not be likeable, but I find him incredibly understandable.

2. Pisaeng. I have to give a ton of credit to Gawin here, because I love this guy. This last episode especially. Gawin is giving him all the nuance and layers that I didn't see with Dan, and it almost makes me want to rewatch Not Me again to see if I just missed it somehow (I won't though, because whether or not I missed it I like Not Me but it's not something I'm really invested in watching over and over again). I love that he went on a journey of self-discovery this last episode that was mostly not about Kawi at all, and at the end of it it gave him the courage to not only confess to his crush but also to come to terms with a part of himself that scared the shit out of him (and I can't tell you how much I love that his journey was explicitly about understanding that he's definitely queer, and that's fine. It's just fine. It's good, even. Thankfully Thai BL has been slipping farther and farther away from "I'm not gay/bi, I just like you" stuff that they used to pull like clockwork but I did not expect an explicit journey of coming to terms with sexuality. What can I say - that shit always gets me and gets me good).

3. Max - Kawi does not deserve a best friend like him, but he certainly needs him. No notes, I adore him and everything he chooses to be. I would love it if he became friends with Pisaeng too but I can understand the reluctance to be a gay guru to Kawi, let alone someone he barely knows (not that Kawi realizes that's how things are going down, really - dude is so repressed it's painful). I loved his exasperation this last episode, and how he visibly had to rein himself in after going off on Pisaeng. Nothing he said was wrong, either. Not one damn thing. But I appreciate that he chose to be kind in the end. It's hard, sometimes.

4. Pear - please please please show don't make her one of those evil BL girls. Right now she's so wonderful and lovely but still very human and I just adore her and I want her to stay that way.

5. What this show is saying about being kind to people, and how the way you treat others ripples out. In this episode specifically, they literally took arguably the worst character in the show thus far and told him "Everyone deserves encouragement and a little kindness. Even you." And honestly, I kind of love it. Maybe it's the optimist in me but I do believe that most people tend towards being decent, and often when you give them a little kindness they find it in them to give it to others.

6. Weirdly enough, this is the first BL I've watched in a long time where I honestly don't care if anyone gets together (funny enough, the last one might have actually been Not Me). I know that Kawi and Pisaeng are probably going to be together in the end because that's just how this goes, but if they weren't...it wouldn't be a big deal, really. The journey here is more important than the end game, and all I really want is for them both (but Pisaeng especially) to live well and happily. And I want Max to get everything his heart desires and for Pear to date her BFF (I...am probably not going to get that loveline, but a person can dream).

I guess there's still plenty of time for this to go off the rails, but I have to say right now I'm really enjoying the ride.

#be my favorite #rambles

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defeatsthem · 10 months

Note

“📔” FOR MJSEFF I AINT EVER SENT SOMETHING SO FAST

TW for anyone that might read this, as this extremely dark au has already been discussed with @twotonesoffun. Read this with the utmost caution.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation

This takes place after Max's surgery and beyond. All he could do with his free time was mull over every stupid thing he'd ever done or said in his life.

Day 1:

Yesterday you left. I don't blame you for it one bit. You should've left. Matter of fact, you shouldn't have ever even shown up at the hospital at all. I keep staring at the bottle, the temptation to grab a fistful of pills and just end it right here is so tempting without you here. This house is so bare and I never realized how empty it was until your laughter wasn't here to fill it.

Day 13:

Thirteen days post-surgery. My knee still hurts like a fucking bitch. I won't lie, the worst part isn't getting out of bed by myself or having to resort to an in-house nurse in the meantime to take care of me now. It's humiliating. My fingertip keeps hovering over your name in my contacts, wanting to send a message but I don't dare to. Instead, I just open the video of me fucking that blonde woman to remind myself why I hate myself. Still, the temptation to take all those leftover painkillers lingers. I dunno why I haven't done it yet.

Day 42:

Physical therapy is getting easier, I guess. I can finally get off crutches in a few weeks but... whatever. It's been three weeks since the New Year holiday came and went and I can't believe it's been nearly a year since Seth and I hooked up at that rest top for the first time. I still remember how he felt... how I felt. It's forever engrained in my brain no matter how many times I wanna just forget about him because I'm ninety - nine percent certain he's forgotten about me already. I really need to stop directing this journal to him so maybe with this entry, it'll force me to.

Day 99:

Fuck, I miss you. I almost sent a message to you today, asking you how you were as if you'd even fucking respond. I at least finally flushed the rest of my meds down the toilet finally. They were burning a hole in my chest every single fucking night sitting on my nightstand. It was hard to discard the only thing you'd ever race to see me for. Fuck, I'm writing about him again when I said I wouldn't.

Day 273:

Nine fucking months. I was told I'd be out for an entire year but I'm a damn machine apparently. The past nine months have been an absolute mindfuck, but weirdly enough, it was necessary. I had to be on the brink of killing myself to see what I really wanted out of life. All I want is for him to be by my side again. Luckily, after getting some insider knowledge, I was able to find out where RAW is tomorrow night. I'm gonna go see him again. I can't be caught by security or talent otherwise I'll be kicked out immediately and probably arrested for breaking and entering into his bus but... at this point? I don't have much else to lose.

Day 274:

I'm burning this motherfucking journal right away tomorrow regardless of what happens in the next couple of hours. No one can know I even did this shit or sounded like such a whiny teenager bitch, okay? I can hear his music playing and I'm watching the show, sipping back an IPA from his fridge. The same kind that was in there the first time we met. He never changed, did he? He shouldn't. I can also smell that body wash he loves lingering throughout this entire thing. I don't dare make a sound since his driver is right outside, mingling with the crew. [THREE HOURS LATER.] I can hear his music playing again. He must've done the dark match after the show. At least it gave me some more time to get mentally prepared to see him again. I feel nauseous. Maybe I shouldn't have come...this was so fucking dumb of me. Shit. I hear his voice outside... here goes nothing.

#* answered.#// would tag appropriately but i don't want this in max's tag lmfao

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imthecleric · 2 years

Text

@smalltownbcy said: 'note'

[ x ]

The envelope has been drawn and doodled on with multiple memorable moments from his and Mike’s friendship. From a little cartoon version of the swing set, to that time Will lost his first tooth at school and they chased Troy down after he stole it to many many more including Day of the Dead. It is no mistake who this letter is for even without the recipients name on it.

Hey,

You once promised me we’d go crazy together. Since I’m not there, if you go crazy I will haunt you. I swear it Michael. So you better not. You’ve never broken a promise to me before, so you better not start now.

I have thought of endless things to say to you based on how I think you’re feeling. At one point in time, I wouldn’t be so hesitant to write it out. I knew you. But that has passed, you grew up and well like with alot of things I got left behind and didn’t. I never thought it was a bad thing. If you really think about actors never stop playing pretend after all...

What I’m saying is I don’t know how you’re reacting about me not being there anymore. I’m not a phone call away, you can’t respond to this letter and hope I’ll read it, you can’t just bike through Hawkins or fly across the country anymore to come visit me. And the thing is, with how things were left, I don’t know if you would do any of that for me anymore. I like to think you would, so just read all this with that assumption. I’m going to gift myself that last bit of hope, okay. And if I’m wrong, well I’m sure you’ll find some way to get it known. Write it in a story or something. Make me a big bad in a campaign, and kill me cause of how I’m wrong. You’ll figure it out. You always do. You always have. And you always will.

I know you’re probably feeling alot of things. I like to think you’re probably mad, and sad. You’re probably also disappointed I did this without you, well I knew you would stop me. But trust me when I say, there wasn’t another way. He really is gone, and if he comes back, well I don’t want to get your hopes up. But I will take the Zombie Boy monicker then. Maybe even take it proudly. But don’t go looking for me or Him. I swear I’ll haunt you for that too, Michael.

If you’re sad, I left you the mixtape Jonathan made me when I came back from the Upside Down. It means alot to me, and besides you it really helped me that first year. I would listen to it after all the visits to hospitals and doctors and the lab. Its not Jonathan’s usual taste in music. It is honestly the perfect mixtape. So don’t mess it up okay. It got me through alot, it’ll help you too.

If you’re mad that’s okay. But do not take it out on our friends or your family. You probably already have. I know that is such a bold statement, but you have a tendency to be impulsive, I love that about you. But I also know you. And Hopper told me about the time you tried to beat him up when you found out he was hiding El. So really you only have yourself, and my years of experience as being your best friend to blame for me most likely accurately guessing your reaction to all this.

I don’t remember the last time I was mad, but the last time I was really upset I destroyed Castle Byers. There is probably still some still standing, no one bought our old house, go figure, ha, if you want to take a bat to it. I think the one I used is even still there. I know I never really explained how or why I destroyed it, or that it was me so I guess I can now.

I was stupid. That’s what I tell myself, even now. I mean only I would think that everyone would still want to play D&D like I did. You and Lucas were so worried about El and Max, and I was focused on a game. I could have been less selfish. I’m sorry for that.

I can’t believe I’m still dancing around the real reason. I shouldn’t have to. I mean I’m not there. I can’t lose you like I have been terrified of happening for so long. I’m gone, and dead knowing I left and we were still best friends because even if I wanted more, I was so happy to have what you gave me. What you allowed me to have.

I should also say before I go any farther, I lied to you once. It was about the painting. El didn’t ask me to paint it. Just um, just put my name in for hers about what I said in the van. Okay.

Anyways... I’m still really nervous about this even though it doesn’t matter anymore. But it does because this is the last time I will get to tell you how important and amazing you are. And how I wish I told you more often. When I say I was happy with the friendship you allowed me to have with you, I absolutely meant it. You make me happy.

I never wanted to do anything that would jeopardize that because you always seemed happy to me. Your friendship was the most valuable thing I had. And I selfishly wanted more, but I could never risk the most prized thing I had. But I did, I wanted more than I knew you would ever give. And I am so sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, and you hate me. Its why I’m telling you this now, when you can’t disown me to my face. I’ll never know if you rethink our entire friendship, or hate me. I died with you unquestionably as my best friend.

I want you to know, I did everything I could to not want you more. I did everything I could to not seem gay. I did everything I could to make sure you were comfortable if you ever did assume. Plenty of people did. I’m sorry you got hurt defending me against the bullies who just said true things about me.

You mean so much to me, so even if you hate me after reading that last bit, know I would not have hated you for thinking that. I don’t think it is possible to hate you. Well for me at least. I’d honestly get it if you did hate me though. I did for a bit. Not long, I accepted it a while ago. But I didn’t want it to affect you, I was really careful because like I said I didn’t want to loose whatever you allowed me to have. Your friendship got me through everything. Literally. We would not have beat the Mindflayer initially without you.

You told me meeting me was the best thing you had ever done. I remember, I was there. I know your life began later. But you changed my life forever, so much that there is a Mike Wheeler shaped imprint on my heart that I just cannot get rid of or fill, unless you’re there no matter the capacity. Thank you.

Everyone is struggling, don’t split off from them okay. Stay together. The party is strongest together you should know this as a DM who killed us so many times because we split. Do not split. Do not abandon them, you’re their heart. You have to beat for them, but guess what hearts can hurt too. So let them know. I promise they wont judge, and if they do I’ll haunt them this time. Show them why the heart is such a strong muscle, why it can be restarted when you think all hope is lost.

Don’t miss me too much. You have a life to live okay. You don’t have to, but if you did one or two things for me, your choice, I wouldn’t mind. I’d be honored. But don’t let me being gone hold you back, not like it would. I just want to cover my bases, and not assume.

You are special Mike. You always have been. I know I can’t be the only one who noticed it. But I did. And I am glad. Thanks for allowing me to have you in my life. I’m sorry I wont be there for all of yours, I know it will be great though. Its you of course it is.

Always yours,

Will

There is a last page, that is a drawing. Its of Mike as a Paladin pulling a sword from a pedestal like in Sword and the Stone or Legend of Zelda. Its more realistic than Will’s normal comic style drawings. Its done in colored pencil one of Will’s preferred mediums. Its signed by Will, with the year and date. On the back is a very quick note that reads “My last drawing, my mom got my first but you get my last.”

#wouldnt it be funny if mike read this before will actually died #WOULDNT IT #anyway #this made me cry #answered #meme response #smalltownbcy #verse: post season 4 #tw: internalized homophobia

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naniwa-archive · 2 years

Text

BAILA Vol. 67 (October'22 issue)

Nishihata Daigo

Brand New Leadership

Nishihata, the absolute ace who carried Kansai Johnny's Jr. last year, made his CD debut as Naniwa Danshi where he bore the role of a center. We will learn about the work policy of the person who believes in the idea "we want to be a group where every member simultaneously works hard and improves each other" and cherishes team work more than anything.

With the 7 of us becoming one, I want to show our ideal form of teamwork

Along with his quick-thinking ability and his ad-libs, Nishihata is highly appreciated for his polished comedy skills that he was trained in during his time in Kansai.

“Ever since I was a teenager, I was calm and collected, even in the group I am often seen as the serious one. I guess it's because during work sometimes I would get into a mode where I would be strict when I need to be. But I am not a perfectionist at all. For example, I have been entrusted with directing concerts but I keep a balance between the parts that I want to focus on and the parts I want to entrust to others. As for the costumes, since I want to respect our member Kento who is in charge of it, that's why I only convey the image for him to understand how the direction would be. I strongly believe in leaving things to people who are good at the field so that we can create something good together. If you run after perfection too much, then at times when things go wrong, you will end up blaming yourself or have conflict with those around you. My stance is quite different when being in a group or by myself at shooting sites. I feel like, instead of doing it consciously, it happens rather naturally. If I had to compare the two, with solo work I have to try extra hard to leave a mark, but if I do so I might receive backlash for it. Maintaining balance is really difficult. Since everything will eventually come back to you. In reference to that, the sense of comfortness within the group is completely different. As there are 7 people in Naniwa Danshi that's why the balance is well kept and everything is neutralized in a good way. For example, in team pursuit in speed skating, there are some people who come forward, even if the members change their position midway, the ultimate aim is to reach the goal together! It would be great if we could be in neat coordination with some of us going out of our way and some being reserved. I am a bit more cautious than most people, but just like the members, if you spend a long period of time together with me, then the walls between us will suddenly disappear and I will be all clingy."

A never seen before world conquering high school drama featuring Sengoku warlords who are full of unique and lively individuality

In the currently airing drama "Shin • Shincho Koki ~ Classmate wa Sengoku Busho ~", Nishihata plays the role of Toyotomi Hideyoshi who has a natural talent in tricking people.

“With the setting having the clones of Sengoku warlords, it alone has a different kind of point of interest to it that is different from the idea of time slip. Nobunaga has a merciless image but, the Nobunaga played by Ren is naturally stupid airhead. Since there are both characters based on historical facts, and characters different from historical facts, that's why people who are interested in history and people who aren't, both should be able to enjoy the show. It certainly is a new form of 'Sengoku Reiwa Comedy' right?".

Nishihata has been living a busy life with drama shooting and group activities. As for his true face that we are all curious about—

“I am the type who completely separates my on and off modes. In private, I become loud and sociable, also the troublemaker side to me is definitely on the stronger end….. My room is not particularly dirty, but this morning I left without washing one of the dishes (laughs). But, doing the laundry is a different issue, it's something I want to do properly. It seems like I have a strange obsession with it. Earlier today I had a little time before this shoot, so I went to look for a birthday present for one of our members Micchi. He has turned 20 so I wanted to give something memorable for the occasion. That's why I decided on getting preserved flowers. This is the first time in my life that I will be giving flowers to someone, that's why I'm kind of nervous about giving them (blush)”

#shirolations #なにわ男子 #johnny's #naniwa danshi #西畑大吾 #nishihata daigo #baila

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kirbycrouch · 8 months

Text

living with bpd has to be one of the hardest things i have to deal with. i cant even begin to count the amount of friendships and friend groups ive lost and pushed away because of my unstable emotions and my inability to talk about my feelings and be vulnerable with people. i fucking hate being vulnerable, i hate talking about my feelings. but also i guess its just that i never really learned *how* to talk about my feelings. my whole life i was yelled at and told im "ruining everything" and am being "selfish" or "self centered" or that im a "burden" whenever i talked about my feelings or showed emotion. you see, my family has always been huge on their image and reputation, anything that could possibly make them look bad was seen as a problem, and thats why my family always ostracized me and saw me as a problem. when i got bullied all throughout grade school and high school my parents would blame it on me and would tell me "why is it only you that has these problems?? no one else in the family had these problems!!" and thats around when the first time i attempted to kill myself, but even then my parents tried so hard to hide the reason why i was in the hospital and told everyone its from "allergies" even though i was there for two weeks. sure theyre nicer to me now, but the damage was already done. truthfully though im used to always getting the short end of the stick and losing everything, or having things just. not. go. my. way. on top of me having bpd and being autistic and honestly at this point probably schizophrenic too with how fucking often i experience hallucinations and paranoid delusions, i also found out that i have pcos the other day right before my birthday, which my birthday also sucked but at this point it was too late for me to have a good birthday in the first place. i have to deal with having chronic mental and physical illnesses for the rest of my life that not only affect my personality but affect my physical appearance and health too. im not desirable physically or emotionally. everything i liked about myself is being taken away from me. and it doesnt help that i keep pushing away the people that care about me because of how fucking unstable and stupid i am. i lost everything. and i really cant even be upset because its all my own fault. i just continuously self sabotage myself. but i guess its not only my own fault because how cant i be scared? not that long ago i got banned from a college club, lost a whole group of friends, because i reported my rapist/abuser and they called me a liar. my rapist/abuser was "banned" too but we all know that i was only told that so i wouldnt report the club or "expose" them or whatever even though regardless no one will fucking believe me. when i was raped in high school someone i thought i could trust told everyone and i got called a "whore" and a "slut" throughout the whole 4 years there, not to mention he was in most of my classes despite me fucking begging the school to take him out of my classes or to change my schedule so i dont have to fucking see him everyday. of course they didnt listen, though. why would they? a few weeks ago my therapist literally told me "next time this happens you should keep it to yourself because no one believed you the last two times" and that just. broke me. but i cant even really be upset because shes right. no one believed me, and if it ever happened again still no one would believe me. no one ever takes my side, ive been alone and lonely my whole life, but its mostly my fault that im like this so who am i to get upset over my own actions. i dont know how much longer i can handle any of this, i thought things were getting better for me but i feel myself falling down the hole again. i really want to end it all. i dont have hope for things ever getting better for me. some people are just given a bad set of cards and theres no way they could ever win, and i think im one of those people, so i should just give up.

#rant

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howaboutcastiel-personal · 10 months

Text

We went to Arden to see Ethan and Julia for lunch before she goes to New Orleans and honestly… it was uneventful. I got car sick but that was to be expected, but the food was really good even if I was nauseated the whole way through eating it. I got a pot pie so I’m very pleased with that.

The thing is that I don’t particularly care or not care about Ethan and Julia anymore. I know that being in her wedding is going to be a lot for me to handle and I know she will only have me in her wedding because I’m his sister. And because she tried to be nice. I wish I was better at trying to be nice? I don’t really have a reason to dislike her beyond the standard things. I’m just indifferent until I have to interact for an extended period with her I guess. The trip was good and bad. She was trying to help and she has the anger issues that everyone else in the family has.

Ethan on the other hand… I feel like he’s beyond the point of no return. With the Andrew Tate stuff I mean. I can’t even bring myself to find it funny, it’s just scary. I don’t like that he’s ended up like that, I just hope he doesn’t hurt Julia and I hope she knows better than to stay if he tries.

Still haven’t talked to Ryder and Lon. I wasn’t planning on talking to Lon, to be fair, and she doesn’t seem too upset by my absence so I think that could work itself out in theory. But I do miss Ryder and I will continue to miss them. They don’t really seem to want to see me anymore and I understand that. It just hurts and I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Maybe I will go and see Katie. I probably need Katie, it will do me good to see her. I just know it will be an ordeal to go and see her and be there and get back here and everything else.

Am I really autistic? I think that I’m a type of sensitive that isn’t redeemable sometimes. I don’t mean it in an ableist way I just mean, do I have the right to use autism as an explanation or god forbid a justification? It seems so much easier to just call myself lazy and sensitive and dumb, right? It seems foolish to try to explain it with something else because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter.

And my foot hurts. I swear that crutches aren’t supposed to be quite this difficult. Are they? Am I being the appropriate amount of needy for someone with a sprained ankle? I can’t tell if my parents hate helping me or if that part is in my head. I can’t tell if a lot of things are in my head lately. And I’m having nightmares almost every night now. I’ve been having bad dreams, sure. But these are nightmares. The kind that go a step further than the familiarity of sleep paralysis. The kind I have to pry myself from and then deal with the fight or flight, the terror of being alone and awake in the dark and dead of night. You know, normal parts of the human experience that once again I’m just too sensitive to handle.

Anyway, the trip went much better than I had expected it to go, and I can call that a win. I played the sims for a little while. I wish I could daydream about Din or even just straight up dream about him, but my brain isn’t able to do things like that right now. I’m not giving it much help, to be fair. And I am sleeping too much, at the wrong hours. I’m not sure of the best way to fix that.

Maybe I should try again. Try to be a teacher I mean. Maybe I should go back to school? I don’t know. If everyone else can do these things then surely I can, they just feel so soul crushingly impossible. It feels like I am way too stupid to be able to do these things. And I know that I could try to blame that on the folks, but at the end of the day it’s me that’s acting this way. Why do I feel so stupid—maybe it’s because I am. Why do I feel guilty for laying in bed—maybe because I’m lazy and unhelpful. I get that all I’m doing is wallowing. I get that. And I understand that no matter what, I’m the only one that can get me out. I just wish this time around that I actually believed it. That someone else actually believed it. I wish it seemed worth it.

But I like to draw. I like to paint. I like to write and sing and play the piano. Sometimes I like to play with legos. I can cook. Sometimes I like to cook. Sometimes I like to clean when it doesn’t feel like I’ve been set up to fail. Sometimes I like being helpful when I’m not scared I’m making it all worse. I have to be brave but it’s hard to be brave. Everyone else is being brave in their own way, right? I’m not being brave about a damn thing. I’m just doing what I can stand to.

I think one day it will be different. It will have to be different one day, right? Because change always happens. Something will have to give I guess. Not sure which thing will give. At the very least this ankle will get better.

How dumb for me to feel this way. About an ankle. It’s like I’m scared of moving, and like I can’t find enough things to blame. The house is messy. The stairs are broken. The door is too heavy. The rug is slippery. I take ibuprofen but I don’t drink enough water. I eat what I’m offered because what else is there to do.

I think maybe I need to go somewhere in my head where it doesn’t matter. Because other people are fine. I’m the only reason that I’m not fine. I just have to convince myself I guess. Fake it until I make it, whatever it means to do that. Someone out there did it just like me so I should find their way.

And I have to find Din again in my head. I have to find Marc and Steven. And for whatever reason, I have to find Joel. Just for 5 more chapters, I need to see Joel. I can go back to Din. I can spend the next little while with Din if only I can get my brain to help me through it. After that I don’t know, but it doesn’t particularly matter that much. It doesn’t have to matter that much anyway.

Now if only my stomach will stop aching.

#diary

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t-t-t-t-twain · 1 year

Text

Week 7

This week, we read the first half of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn the sort-of sequel to Tom Sawyer. This time around there is much more critical discussion related to this novel and it makes for a much more interesting read. There are tons of things to talk about such as dialect, race, bad faith, satirizing female sentimentality, marriage hierarchy, feuds, and general internal moral conflict. I would like to focus on one particular character and his relation to poverty and bad faith: Pap Finn.

Pap Finn is the worst person in the whole book. He is self-centered, racist, drunk, abusive to Huck, and a leech to everyone else, you name any particular evil and that’s Pap Finn. Low-down, ornery, awful. One of the many past times of Pap Finn, other than taking advantage of people’s kindness so that he can get drunk and use his kid as a free meal ticket, is ranting about the “govment”. This is when he gets drunk as a skunk and tells his child about the wrongdoings of the United States Government. In the particular excerpt I am about to analyze, Pap Finn is ranting about a black man that can vote.

“‘They said he could vote, when he was at home. Well, that let me out. Thinks I, what is the country a-coming to? It was ‘lection day, and I was just about to go and vote, myself if I warn’t too drunk to get there; but when they told me there was a State in this country where they’d let that nigger vote, I drawed out,’” (Twain 42).

Wasn’t that just the loveliest sentiment you’ve ever read? No? I agree.

All jokes aside, what this quote tells us about Pap is that he is hypocritical and that his racism really knows no bounds of logic considering that he would rather have a set of rights go unused than be used by a black person. He would rather stand idly by as the laws change around him than use his right and ability as a US citizen to prevent them from doing so. This is, in the simplest terms, stupid. Pap Finn is stupid.

So, what does this tell us about poverty, racism, and bad faith?

I am so glad you asked, (even though you probably didn’t ask at all) because I am going to tell you. This tells us that people that are impoverished are often uneducated and fueled only by their own ignorant teachings. People like Pap Finn remain the way they are because they have no real outlets to learn to be anything different. When other members of the community try to help him they just pass their money to him and get him to cry and swear off drinking, and put on a good show so that they can feel better about themselves, but really no one is taking the time to teach him why what he is doing is wrong. Don’t get too excited, if anyone tried to teach him they would fail because he is an irredeemable character in a work of fiction, however, if Pap Finn were a real person with real complexities there’s a chance that he could change. Furthermore, it seems that poverty beats people down to the point where they have given up on themselves and the rest of the world. Pap blames the government because in a way the government has failed him. When a country’s government can not keep its people from poverty it has failed in a way. Despite that, there are elements of independence and self-reliance that Pap and the real people that he represents just don’t see. Poverty creates bitter, ignorant adults with no functional skills.

In terms of racism and bad faith, it’s obvious that Pap just follows the same system that everyone followed in the slave-owning south. He believes that black people are beneath him and he is angry when he sees any sort of success fall upon the life of a black person, but he doesn’t really follow bad faith.

I guess I should explain what bad faith is. Bad faith is when one turns a blind eye to the truth because it is easier to be ignorant. In this case, a lot of people turn a blind eye to the cruelties of slavery because it is easier than changing a society’s entire perspective on race and power. And just to really get to the heart of bad faith, another example is when we choose to ignore the fact that our clothes were made by the hands of child laborers because it is easier than making our own clothes.

Now with that tangent out of the way, let’s get back to Pap Finn. I say that he isn’t participating in bad faith because one, he does not benefit from slavery, and two, he is openly racist and desires that slaves continue to suffer. He has a need for someone to be constantly beneath him in most cases it’s Huckleberry, but in the societal cases, it’s black people. He is the lowest of the low, but at least he isn’t black. That’s why he’s so distraught when he hears about a Black man being able to vote because it means that he is truly at the absolute bottom of the societal ladder. He does not practice bad faith because he is not a participant in the system. He doesn’t even vote. So, even though he is the worst person alive, he still isn’t the main problem with racism and slavery. The problem lies within the people who are wealthy enough to own slaves and have the education to know that it is wrong but choose to anyways because it is easier than not owning slaves.

Twain often criticized people of a wealthy class. He made fun of them in the Lyceum circuit, and he satirizes them all the time in his works, (Huck Finn, the golden age, Puddn’head Wilson, etc.), but this poor demographic of white people that he has presented his audience with is so easy to fall back on as the villain of the story that it creates this very clever misdirection. There is an aversion of attention to the point that the audience practices bad faith when reading Huck Finn. Pap Finn is our villain, but Twain’s villain is every person who has ever tried to get Huckleberry Finn to agree with the sentiment that Black people are beneath him.

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journalblogart · 1 year

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March 2023

I think in GDL, he was with me while I was feeling like this really was a thing for me. I only really started feeling it in the last few days before he left, didn’t I?

I mean, we pretty quickly knew we wanted to spend a lot of time together. He wanted me round. But who was initiating these interactions?

Truly the beauty of having this all written down.

I can analyze this so closely.

It was groups. Almost always it was groups. We decided to go to Puebla after cumbia which O-- organized. I got invited to climbing which became hanging out which became going out. And then what? A-----’s event. Puebla. Valentine’s Day. There. That’s the moment when things got more intimate. The first time I spent the morning with him in the apartment. I took a shower. I left my earrings behind.

And then group. And then excuse. I forgot my earrings but he forgot to bring them to the group. Serendipitous forgetfulness orrrrr

And then I said let’s hang out. There was already a time constraint. H-- was coming that Friday. What a crazy stupid busy month.

I really do wonder what it would have been like if he hadn’t been sick. That’s actually quite a considerably factor in a six week affair.

Maybe we would’ve gone back together after A-----’s. Or he would’ve come to cumbia and dinner. I think we were already much more physically affectionate in Puebla once he was feeling better, and that wouldn’t have been slowed down if he hadn’t been sick.

It was kind of nice to have the buildup to Puebla, though. I don’t know how it would’ve worked the other way, how things might’ve been different.

Although it was almost never bad to spend more time with J---- after spending a night over. It boosted intimacy a ton.

I’d guess we’d call it a night after cumbia. Maybe after A-----’s event. I also saw A-- L---- twice that week. I was using encouragement I got from J---- to be more forward with her. Would I have seen her a second time if J---- and I had slept together the night after my first date with her that week? That’s an intense one.

I completely let myself drop that off to prioritize him.

We had just gotten so intimate so quick. It was hard to give that up for something progressing so slowly. Although it was genuinely starting to build motion. But the Puebla trip and LA trip killed that motion. He was already occupying so much space in my brain. He was such an influence on me. Being around him just made me so happy. I wanted to bring his way of thinking with me where I went. A very good decision to reach out to him then, I think. Although the one that can be clearly blamed for all the pain I’m now feeling. The first moment to point to. I recognized how much I liked being around him. I recognized the potential of it. I recognized that he felt really important to me. And I let him know that. I let him know I took him seriously. I let him know this was something real, even though short. Of course it was a progression. He saw more and more of me and I shared and shared the way that I was feeling about things. And he never stopped me from sharing. He seemed happy that I was sharing. If he wanted it to stop, he would’ve asked me to stop. I believe that I can trust his communication skills. Reasonable why I have some issues with that.

What am I really doing here? Am I trying to figure out how I could be in less pain right now? Ask myself if this was worth it? I’m feeling what I’m feeling. Deciding it wasn’t worth feeling this isn’t going to change that. And I doubt he’s asking himself was it worth it. Of course it was. Of course it was.

What good will it do? We talked about how we were feeling. We talked about how we wanted to proceed. We did what we decided we’d be okay with doing. What more is there?

It’s just the danger of thinking about the past. It’s good to look at it and try to learn from it. To say maybe next time I won’t act that way. Now I know more about my own boundaries. No reason to regret the choices you made before you could’ve known.

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le-ciel-estbleu · 2 years

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and at some point even my sister has to go. she has a life of her own. i can't bring everyones life down with my own. i can't burden anyone. but... 400 a month? everything included? except groceries of course. you can't get that... anywhere. i would be a fool to pass that up. and i am a fool. i'm so scared. i'm terrified. i keep thinking that there's glimmers of hope but there really isn't. there's no hope. he's gone, and he keeps insisting that he is and reminds me he is, and i don't know what else i need to believe it. i am literally so stupid. i just can't let go. a fucking decade, i can't let go. everything i look back on, milestones... everything, is just him. and it sucks, and it's unfair. but i guess it's all my fault, and i only have myself to blame. it's hilarious, that people can literally plead out of things in court due to mental instability or mental health but when it comes to love and relationships, there's no place for mental health. mental health doesn't have a say. if your in any way "not normal" then you'll be kicked to the curb. i'm sorry you couldn't stand by me. i'm sorry i hurt you, and you couldn't stand by me. i'll be better on my own, without you i guess. just like you wanted. and your free to have all the young girls you want, just like you always wanted. you never wanted any of this. you never wanted a long term relationship, you never wanted kids. i dragged you along and for a decade. i just wish things could be different. i wish you still loved me. i wish you loved me like you did when you threatened to kill yourself. but you love a child now. someone with no notion of the world, no experience. someone you hold in such high esteem for no reason at all other than that she makes your dick hard. so, that's a reason enough for men i guess.

"god made men with a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one of a time."

thank you robin williams...

i'm done with my life. i'm done with this. i'm done waking up feeling like absolute dog shit every day, anxiety ridden to the point that i throw up and shit at the same time like a dog whose body is failing him at the end of his life. like my own dog did. i remind myself of my dying dog. i am literally wallowing.

WALLOWING.

and i need to get out. the only way out of this apparently is out. i don't want to leave but i can't stay. it is the worst kind of pain. i took a huge leap for this job, and all it has brought me is pain. from the moment it started. i couldn't stay where i was but i wish i went somewhere else. i don't know where but somewhere else. this was a leap we were supposed to take together. it was a leap for the both of us, and he ended up leaping to someone else. someone else's arms, someone else's words, someone else's everything. i don't care what he says, i don't believe him. he's left me for her, he's touched her. whereas i couldn't even imagine lying with another, that's all he craves. it disgusts me.

but you know what? he says i drove him to it. whatever. i guess i did. if that's the case, i have nothing left at this job. nothing left to work for, nothing left to fight for. "it's a great job." the fuck it is. it's a horrible job and he destroyed it for me.

what's worse? my birthday is literally in 2 days. thankfully it's not my 30th, that would be even worse. but still, another birthday in misery. my family and i are supposed to be doing something the day after for me. i just... wish he would be there. wish he would want to be there. but he'll be at work with his girlfriend. he'll be far away from me, which is what he is these days.

strangers. strangers in a strange place. strangers after a decade.

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xoxo-teddybear · 3 years

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Hi! Um I was wondering if you could write a Domestic Bakugou where they were doing the do and the kid( I forgot his name wtf-😭) caught them? And then Like the next day at school my boy boy is doing it do other girls in his class- NOT LIKE IN A SEXUAL WAY👴🏽🤏🏽🕶 like when they got caught bakugo would say” I’m just protecting your mom from my villains” or sum shit💀✋🏽 So now he is like trying protect his friends 😭Just wondering😁

Ima crack writer so HERE WE GO!!😎

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings: Crack, smexy times, cursing, domestic

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

“S-Slow down Suki!”

Your husband pounded into you at an alarming pace. Katsuki came home from work feeling a little frisky and so when their beloved son, Katsuo, was fast asleep, the couple decided to get it on. It was around four in the morning and you two had been going at it for an hour, already 3 orgasms in.

Your bodies were covered underneath the blanket as Bakugou rammed into you. His large arms held your torso close as your own wrapped around his neck. His aching member slipped in and out of you, head just kissing your cervix, as his heavy balls smacked against the swell of your ass. The sound in the room was terribly loud. The way your skin smacked against one another and your moans created a rough melody of sex. Thankfully, you lived in a rather large home and your son’s room was far, far away. Good thing he was a deep sleeper too.

“What’s wrong princess? Can’t handle it?” Katsuki teased with his hot breath against your neck. At your every cry to go slower (in fear of awakening your son) Katsuki sped up his rhythm.

“F-Fuck!” You screamed. Katsuki rose above you and captured your neck in his hand. He stayed close to you as his free hand went to your hip and brought you close to him while he slammed into you. The fast movements caused the bed frame to bang against the wall as Katsuki moaned into your ear.

“S-Shit baby! Oh fuck, you feel so good. So perfect wrapped around my cock.” He groaned in your ear. The immense pleasure and husky voice had your back arching, giving your husband the chance to wrap his arm under you and flip you both over. You tried to keep the blanket covering you both as you bounced up and down his dick, but failed as the fabric traveled down to only cover your lower ass.

As you bounced, Katsuki continued to thrust up into you. His hands held onto your ass and gave it a smack from time to time. “K-Katsuki! I’m gonna cum! Please! Mm, yes! Don’t stop!”

At the sound of your voice, Katsuki’s hands went straight to your clit and ferociously rubbed at it. His actions had you throwing your head back and your pussy clenching around him. Katsuki noticeably jumped a bit when you began to tighten around his cock.

“Oh baby! God you’re squeezing me so damn tight.” He said as he kissed your chest. “F-Fuck, gonna make me put another brat inside ya. You want that? Wanna be full of my seed? Give me another one, yeah?”

You nodded your head as your eyes filled with tears due to all the pleasure. His grip on your waist grew tighter as your legs began to shake. The sound of skin slapping sped up as you and Bakugou drew closer and closer to your climax.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” He screamed as you moaned loudly. You both came at the same time and to silence the both of you, Katsuki pulled you in for a kiss. You both moaned into it as your hips grinded on his dick. His hand squeezed at your ass again before giving it another smack and then soothing the stinging sensation with soft rubs.

You kiss would’ve continued had it not been for a sweet little voice coming from the doorway. “Dad?”

At the sound, Katsuki instantly jumped and flipped you both over again, covering your bodies with the large sheet. He layed atop of you while you looked away from your son. The blanket covered you both, leaving nothing but your heads exposed. “Katsuo! Hi son, what’re you..Uh what’re you doing up?”

“What’re you guys doing?” Your son asked with his doe eyes he inherited from you. Katsuki’s member throbbed from inside you and he grunted at the feeling.

“Umm...I was just- just...protecting Mom from villains!” You gawked at your husband for his idiotic response. Out of everything he could’ve said, he said that?!

“Cool! I wanna help!” Your son said starry eyed but when he took a step to come closer, Katsuki screamed out.

“N-No! Uh- no, it’s okay bud. She’s fine. Okay? Uh..please go back to your room and go back to sleep. Okay? Yes? Please?” Katsuki asked with a hurried voice. Your son only smiled and nodded before running back to his room.

You both visibly became less tensed as the two of you released relieved sighs. You turned your head to your husband who remained inside of you and slanted your eyes at him when he gave you a cheeky smile. “We sure got outta that one, huh?”

“Get the hell off of me Katsuki!” You said, pushing his face away from you. The shove caused Katsuki’s member to slip out of you and you gasped at the loss. Katsuki smirked down at you and you only grunted at him. “Really? Protecting me from villains? that’s the best that you could come up with?!”

“Well what was I supposed to say?!” He screamed.

“Uh, I DONT KNOW! Maybe, ‘Oh, Mommy’s just cold. Oh, we’re not doing anything son. Oh, THIS IS JUST A FUCKING DREAM!!’ I mean, c’mon Katsuki!” You said.

“Would you have rather had me tell him I was stuffing your pretty pussy?” He asked with a smirk. You rewarded him with a smack to his chest and a pointed finger.

“I don’t need your sarcasm.”

Katsuki only backed up a bit to see the wrecked sight of you and noticed the white cream leaking out of you and onto the bed. “Heh, what you need is for daddy to fill you up one more time.”

“Yeah right, your horny ass just wants to cum again.” You said with sass.

“Yeah, guess what? You’re right, so help me satisfy myself. Besides, you got to cum four times while I’m sitting at two,” he said while peppering your face in kisses from above. “At least let me have one more, baby.”

You smirked and this time it was you that flipped each other over. Katsuki sat up while you sat on his groin. “I’ll help you in another way, Daddy.”

You kissed his lips for a few seconds before moving south to go down on him. It has been awhile since you’ve tasted your husband so this should definitely excite him. Katsuki was definitely shocked but couldn’t stop the huge smile growing on his face. He watched you swallow his member and when you hummed with his cock sitting in your throat, he threw his head back.

“Fuck yes Princess.” His hand found way into your hair as he helped you bob your head up and down. Katsuki was in for a long, long morning.

—

Speaking of mornings, Katsuo was going to be having an exciting one. He had a morning play date with Kirishima’s son and the twin Todoroki sisters.

Akio, Kirishima’s son, came by early and so you were happy to see the two boys getting along so well, just like their fathers. With the exception of Katsuo being much more nicer than Katsuki of course. When you opened the door to greet your best friend, Momo, and her two daughters, you assured the girls that they’d have a fun time.

The twins ran in after greeting you and giving you a hug which left you a few minutes to speak to Momo before she left. You walked to the glass door that gave view of the kids in the backyard and noticed how Homura (the twin with red hair) had gone to play with Akio while Yukine (the twin with white hair) had been drawn to Katsuo.

You always noticed the little blush on your son’s face whenever Yukine came around. You thought his little crush on the icy-calm girl was absolutely adorable. “Kids!”

The little 5 year olds turned their heads to see you calling for them.

“Come inside, the movie’s almost on!” Seeing their faces perk up at the sound of the children’s movie, you giggled and motioned for them to come in. They all happily followed you and got comfy on the large couch. You placed a few snacks on the table for them before turning the T.V on. “Alright Katsuo. You’re the oldest and Mommy has some training to do. Daddy’s upstairs working if you need anything but if you’re all set, can I trust you to keep everything steady in here?”

“I promise Mom!” Your young boy joyously said. You gave him a warm smile before pecking his cheek and walking to the master bedroom to change. You walked in to find your husband on his laptop finishing his reports on the bed.

You walked to your dresser and pulled out a bathing suit. This caught your husband’s attention and had him smirking in the corner. “If you put that on, I’m assuming that’s an invitation for me to rail you~”

You giggled at his wording before walking to him and giving him a quick peck. “It’s for training dummy. I’m gonna head downstairs to the pool and workout with my water bending.”

Katsuki still held his smirk as he pushed away his laptop and pulled you into his lap. You were a bit jumpy but nonetheless settled while straddling his lap. “I have another idea for a workout and if you’re wondering, it does involve bending.”

He pulled you in for a few sweet kisses before you hovered your lips above his own to speak. You smiled as you placed your hands on his chest to keep the horn dog at bay. “What is with you recently? First it’s you coming home to fuck me stupid and now it’s getting riled up from me just holding a bikini.”

“Can you blame me? I married the most beautiful woman in the world, so please believe I’m gonna take full advantage of that.” He replied. You chuckled a bit before he pulled you in for more kisses and a little heated make out session. Your tongues came in contact and began tangling as he took you by your ass and had you grind down on him.

“Mm..Suki, stop,” you said with a laugh as you pulled away. “Seriously, there’s kids downstairs and we definitely don’t want a repeat of what happened last night with our own.”

Bakugou just huffed and groaned while slumping in his spot. You knew he wasn’t mad because as you got off of him and walked the the bedroom door, you looked back at him to see him smiling at you with eyes that carried all the love in the world. You smiled back before walking downstairs.

As you walked down the hall, you hummed a little happy tune to yourself. You love your little family so much. Your beloved husband and your precious son meant the world to you. Nothing could ruin your mood. At least, that’s what you thought before a loud smack interrupted your humming. Your head snapped to the sound and you immediately ran to the living room to check up on the kids.

—

“Are you sure you’re doing it right, Katsuo?” Yukine’s sweet voice said.

“Yeah, yeah. I think my Dad went like..this? *SMACK*” Yukine released a little yelp at the hit and that was when you caught sight of everything.

“Uh, guys?” You asked while walking into the scene. “Is everything alright in- AHHHH!”

You walked in to find Homura and Akio in the kitchen putting plates away and your son and Yukine on the couch. What made you scream was the fact that Yukine was straddling your son’s lap and you just witnessed Katsuo smack her behind. You immediately ran to the two and picked Yukine up while putting her on the couch and dragging your son by the ear up to your room while constantly saying “No, no, no, no, no, no, no...”

—

Katsuki was continuing his work after you left but after just a few minutes, you came back in constantly saying “no” as you dragged your son in by his tiny ear.

“No, no, no, no, nope! No! NO!” You said and tugged Katsuo in by the ear and shut the door. “Katsuo? Sweetie? What was that all about?”

“Woah, hey, what’s going on?” Katsuki asked, shutting his laptop and getting up from the bed. “Katsuo what’d you do?”

“Nothing! I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Mom just came in and started yelling.” Your son said in defense. Your husband looked to you in confusion but you sighed before whispering to him.

“Katsuki, I walked into the living room and Yukine was straddling Katsuo while he grabbed and smacked her ass!” You whisper-yelled. Katsuki’s eyes popped and his head snapped towards his son. On the inside, he wanted to laugh because damn his son was a playaaaaa but unfortunately he had to be a professional parent right now.

Katsuki walked to his son and crouched to his level. “Uh, Katsuo? Why did you smack Yukine? And why was she sitting on you?”

“I was doing what you did.” Katsuo simply said. Katsuki tilted his head in confusion with pointed brows as he pressed for more explanations.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“I was protecting Yukine from villains cuz I wanna be a hero, just like you Dad!” Your son said with his adorable smile. “Just like how you were protecting Mom last night!”

Katsuki visibly got choked up at the last sentence and his mouth formed an “o” as he slowly turned to look up at you. He was still crouching as he stared up at your angry form that held eyes of fury and crossed arms. You looked towards your husband with a raised brow and he began to sweat a little with a nervous laugh leaving his mouth.

“Um, okay son. You had good intentions which is great but..you see..uhhhh....Y/N?” Katsuki asked for help as he turned towards you. You sighed and dropped your head as you walked to the two and dropped down to your son’s level.

“Katsuo, the way your dad was..protecting me last night is only for adults. Not for little angels like you. So please don’t do it again, okay?” You said while holding his little hands.

“Am I in trouble Mom?” Your son asked with a small pout.

“Of course not sweetie. Your dad was right, you had good intentions. Just- please don’t do it again my love.” You said with a wavering smile. Katsuo smile and nodded before asking another question.

“Can I do it when I’m older?” He asked with his pure child innocence. You froze up a bit and Katsuki laughed a little bit you turned to him and smacked his arm to get him to shut up.

“Uh- we’ll have that talk later, bud. For now just, please don’t do it. Okay? From now on, do as I say and not as I do.” Katsuki said and Katsuo listened. He nodded his head and you released a relived sigh before standing up and glaring at your husband. You dragged him by his arm to a corner and pointed a finger into his chest.

“The next time some B.S like this happens again, you won’t have to worry about protecting me from villains for a month. Am I clear, Katsuki?” You said with slanted eyes. Your husband had a quivering smile as he looked at you in very slight fear.

“Crystal.” He replied. You walked out the room to go and check on the kids leaving the boys in the room by themselves. Once your were a good distance away, Katsuki walked over to his son and looked down at him. Katsuki looked to each side of the room before looking back at your son and speaking. “Did Yukine make a noise when you hit her?”

Katsuo nodded and Katsuki smiled down at his boy before ruffling his head and pushing him to the bedroom exit. Katsuo understood and opened the door to go back downstairs as he laughed at his father’s rough but loving treatment. As Katsuki watched his son from the bed he couldn’t help but whisper a little. “That’s my boy. So proud.”

“What?” Katsuo asked as he thought he heard his father say something. Katsuki looked everywhere in the room except at the tiny child at the door.

“Huh? What? Hm? Ah, no, no. Nothing. Uh-...go back downstairs.” He said and Katsuo nodded before exiting. Katsuki layed back down on the bed with his arms behind his head as he smiled contently at the ceiling. “*sigh* Yeah, that’s definitely my son.”

Tag list: @sxcker4you @aomi04

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violettierre · 2 years

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GUYS GUYS EVERYONE HEAR ME OUT-

I think these 2 panels are pretty underrated cuz they hold deeper meanings than we actually think

It might not be as deep and im just overthinking but let me explain myself

Well the first image obviously is Mikey licking the remainings of dorayaki off his face, while in the second image it's the dark impulse licking blood off his face.

I know it's probably not it, but it seems like the dark impulse is being fed by blood just like normal ppl are fed by food.

Or more specifically not blood...

but rather revenge.

To be more clear, try switching the text on the 2nd panel from "kazutora" to "the dark impulse". We'll get this text: "to make himself believe he wasn't the bad guy, the dark impulse decided you were his enemy" he says that while licking his own blood- or rather the dark impulse said that while licking Mikey's blood.

I don't know if anyone gets it but it looks more like foreshadowing about how the dark impulse's enemy is Mikey.

Alright alright... first, the dark impulse only appear when someone close to him dies (Baji, Draken...) and who does he attacks after ???? The one responsible ofc (and not actually the killer cuz Baji committed suicide and Draken was killed by some random dude) it's obvious the dark impulse only comes around when Mikey wants revenge for his loved ones.

But what does that have to do with anything??? Let me explain : you see the text summarizes what even is the dark impulse, it's nothing more than Mikey's brain naming his actions whenever he seeks revenge so he won't feel like the bad guy. Or simply put, Mikey is still Mikey when he avenged his close ones yet he created a version of himself in his brain and made himself the enemy without feeling like the bad guy.

Also really stupid remark, but i guess that's why it's called Tokyo REVENGEers.... no ??? No, okay...

And after some research, i think that Mikey have schizophrenia.

Not to be an extra but that's EXACTLY what Mikey and his dark impulse are.

Breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion and behaviour ?? Check.

Faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings ?? Check. (That's exactly what Manila Mikey timeline is all about)

Withdrawal from reality and personal relationships ?? Check. (Bonten Mikey)

A sense of mental fragmentation ?? Check. (All the fucking timelines)

Also have a look at the rest of the informations :

Y'all can NOT tell me this isn't Mikey. Seriously.

I can stay up all night rereading the manga and bringing a panel for each one of these. (But tbh most of these are more noticable in chibi revengers series which is pretty weird)

Also look at this

Mikey's dark impulse defiently didn't start when Shinichiro died, he didn't go crazy trying to kill Kazu or Baji cuz he was just a kid and wasn't really that seeking for revenge, but in fact it began when he became a teen.

"Troubled relationships" ahem Sanzu ahem Bonten ahem legit pretty much his entire friend group excluding Draken and Mitsuya ahem

"poor schoold performance" that was introduced to us in a chibi revengers ep, and it seemed like some funny joke and all like 'oh would you look at that Mikey is so lazy and Draken is his babysitter hahaha' but boy i don't think it's a joke anymore...

"Reduced motivation" V E R Y. Like boy let's Draken carry him around in his back after he sleeps for the 20th time in a day from EATING. Jokes aside, it doesn't look like he feels like doing alot of stuff in the entire series, the "normal" Mikey doesn't even feel like walking and let's Draken carry him.

Alsoooo, another point that Mikey himself is the first one who mentioned the dark impulse to Takemitchy and in general,

another proof it's a delusion from his brain so everything will make sense to him, just like Kazutora but in a different way cuz Kazu blamed another person while Mikey blamed himself (kinda)

IN A NUTSHELL OF WHAT IM TRYNA SAY : There is no dark impulse but in fact Mikey putted the blame of whenever he avenges for his friends on a delusional non-existent split personality of him because of schizophrenia, and Mikey & the entire tokrev series's searched main enemy is Mikey himself. Send tweet.

But wait wait...

Does this mean that Mikey is evil ??? No. Not at all. He just needs to be in a safer environment like Kazu aND GO SEE A FUCKING THERAPY ALONG WITH EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS DAMN SHOW!!!! AND CAN ALL PROBLEMS STOP PILING UP ON HIS SHOULDERS PLEASE ??????!!!!!! Thank you.

#STOPMIKEYABUSE #also just so you know im not making this bog of a theory just for Mikey #but for Senju so everyone can leave my baby alone #no she didn't do anything i don't care what the truth is #she is innocent.#i repeated Mikey's name so many times that now it sounds weird #if only i putted this much research to my damn work sheet tHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE #instead of actually working my brain thought it was a great timing to start this theory #i blame adhd for this #i need fucking therapy #tokyo revengers #sano manjiro #mikey

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beccascribbles · 3 years

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It angst time bby!🤪 Could you maybe pls do a Iwa,Tendou and Tsuki x reader/manager scenario where their s/o gets bullied because they are the manager of the team. Also it goes that far that the girls threaten them to leave the vb club/ end their relationship bevor it will be much worse for them. ( a fluffy end would be nice because I saw lots of angsty fics today kndjsjsna)

a/n - you asked and i shall deliver. sometimes we just have a craving for angst. i’m a little bit obsessed with it myself (think a large part of my blog is angst tbh). and don’t worry, they are fluffy endings i think... hope you enjoy!

"i can't do this anymore," you sobbed, finally letting the tears fall. iwaizumi reached out for you desperately, hand curling around your waist and pulling you into his chest. his arm, corded with muscle, wrapped around your waist protectively, holding you close to him. his other hand held the back of your head. “i can’t, haji. they won’t stop. it won’t stop.”

“shh,” he murmured, stroking the back of your head as your tears dampened his shirt. part of him was confused, the other part focused entirely on offering you support. he had no idea who this mysterious they was. it wasn’t surprising that he didn’t know, the girls choosing moments when iwaizumi (and anyone who might inform him of what was happening) was gone to be their cruellest. “who’s they?”

you stiffened slightly against him then, mind pulling their most recent assault to the forefront of your mind. taloned fingernails had dug into your shoulders before pushing you harshly, your back hitting the brick wall behind you harshly. rough brick had dug into your back, the pain not enough to distract you from the words they spat at you. you had flinched away, looked for an escape, but there was nowhere to go. one girl, clearly the ringleader, had yanked at your hair, pulling your face towards her.

“you stupid little whore,” she had hissed, letting out a cold laugh at the wince that escaped your lips. “if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop managing the team and leave iwaizumi while you’re at it. you don’t deserve him and he sure as hell doesn’t need you.”

her words had been echoed by the other girls with her, and when the tears had finally began to prick at your eyes, they had decided their needs had been satisfied for today. she had turned back to look at you one last time before leaving you with her parting words. “remember what i said. if you want it to stop, you know what to do.”

“y/n?” iwaizumi questioned, his voice cutting through the memory. worry laced his tone, and he had pulled you away from his chest to be able to see your face. you blinked up at him, a dreadful realisation coming over you. you knew how to make it stop. it was simple. you just had to force out the words.

the texture of his skin was rough against yours, his hands calloused from a childhood spent playing volleyball. you wanted to surrender to his warmth, to downplay everything you were feeling, to blame it on some simple reason such as school, anything to be with him for just a little longer. but you couldn’t. it needed to be done.

“i want to break up,” you said, forcing the words out, fresh tears beginning to fall from your eyes. the weight you had expected to be lifted was not. instead, remorse crushed you. for a moment, you struggled to breath, the air trapped in your throat. it was only iwaizumi’s gentle nudging, the way he guided you through your breathing, that helped you regain a semblance of calm.

“no you don’t,” he said calmly, seeing right through you. there was never any point in lying to him. he could see right through any lies that slipped from your lips. “i also won’t let you.”

your eyes widened in fear, her face flashing to life in your brain. your scalped tingled in remembrance of the way she had yanked your hair. suddenly, you began to shake, wrapping your arms around yourself. you let out a wretched sob. “hajime... please.”

“no,” he said, rubbing your arm soothingly in an attempt to calm you. “you need to tell me what the fuck is going on. no hiding from me. we’re sorting this out and i’m going to find out who put such stupid ideas into your head and they’re going to pay.”

you shook your head weakly, but his hands were quick to stop your movements, thumb reaching out to brush away the tears collecting in the corner of your eye. he leant forward, resting his forehead against yours. “we’re sorting this out, okay?”

“okay.”

really, you should’ve known he would understand. you should have known that of anyone who would understand how helpless you were feeling, how truly you believed leaving the team was your only escape from their torment, was tendou. he had opened up to you, told you about his childhood, his experience with bullies. yet, you couldn’t open up to him, couldn’t tell him what was happening to you.

“why weren’t you at practice today?” questioned tendou, the first words out of his mouth when you opened your dorm room to him. the second thing he did was press a kiss to your lips, his hands going up to hold your face tenderly. “you’re not sick, are you? i hope not, otherwise i shouldn’t have kissed you. i guess we can be ill together though.”

“i quit,” you said, moving away from him and collapsing onto your bed, picking up the magazine you had discarded moments before. you opened it, using it as a shield to protect you from tendou’s gaze. his eyes narrowed as he looked at you.

“why would you do that?” he asked, moving over to the bed and sitting opposite you, reaching over to remove the magazine from in front of your face. you let out a grumble, though did little to actually resist.

“i didn’t feel like doing it anymore,” you lied, studying the wall behind him. it was painfully obvious you were avoiding his gaze, just further proof that you were lying to him. “it wasn’t fun anymore. besides, i need to focus on school.”

“tut tut,” he admonished, waggling his finger at you. him reprimanding you caused a small smile to tug at your lips, one that quickly vanished when he persisted. “why would you really quit?”

you crossed your arms over your chest, physically turning your body away from him. the quiet rejection did little to discourage him. instead, he reached for your hand.

“i saw you with some girls yesterday,” he admitted, taking careful note of the way your whole body suddenly stiffened. he chose his next words carefully, not wanting you to pull away, to refuse to confirm the suspicions he already had. “you looked upset. are you okay now?”

it was at those words that you finally turned to look at him, fresh tears making your eyes seem to shimmer. it was an oddly beautiful sight, mused tendou, reaching out with care to brush a finger along your jaw. sudden anger twisted your features, shattering the illusion and causing him to jerk his hand away.

“of course i’m not fucking okay,” you spat, yanking your hand from his landing a solid hit the mattress you were both sitting on. “it’s fucking pathetic that i let them have their way just because i was scared.”

you pushed up from the bed, turning around wildly, looking for something, anything, that would ease the emotions currently rushing through you. they were hard to distinguish, coming together to leave you craving for a release. tendou stood up to join you, holding his hands out in front of him.

“punch me,” he stated, stance adjusting so he was properly balanced. you didn’t even question it, balling your hands into fists and launching a fist into his palm. the crack of skin on skin echoed around the room, and you felt the release. he praised you, “solid hit. need to go again?”

you shook your head, stepping forward and leaning your head against his chest, fingers curling into the flimsy material of his shirt. his arms wrapped around you, holding you tight.

“what am i going to do?” you sighed. tendou shuffled backwards, pulling you along with him until he was sat on the bed, your legs either side of his own as you sat on his lap. he took your chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your face up to look at him.

“you’re going to re-join the team,” he explained, before a smirk twisted his features, “and i’m going to enlist some help to go and confront some bullies.”

he doesn’t say anything to you, doesn’t really do much to acknowledge the tears rolling down your cheeks other than to wrap his arm around your shoulder. you are tugged into his lean body, and are quick to turn your head into his chest to hide your tears from view. admittedly, it was a bit late at this point, the majority of the team having already passed you on their way into the gym. you had simply waved away their concerns, not thinking you could find the words to explain, to tell them you were leaving.

“so,” mused tsukishima, letting your bury your face into his chest, your hands clutching onto the material of his top. ordinarily, he would have told you to stop stretching the fabric. however, you had been off for a couple of days, more withdrawn, and he figured he was close to finding out the reason why. “what happened?”

you let out a stifle, finally looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes. “i left the team.”

“that doesn’t really answer my question though, does it?” he prodded. something told you he had an inclination at the cause behind it. there was no solid evidence to prove his suspicions, however. all he could go off was the look of trepidation in your eyes, the way you body would tense when certain people approached.

you shook your head, fists clenching tighter. he let out a soft sigh, his other arm coming around your body to hold you more securely against his chest. he reprimanded you softly, “you could have told me, or at least someone else on the team if you didn’t want me to know. i wouldn’t think any less of you because you’re being bullied.”

“they said it would get worse if i told anyone, if i didn’t do what they said,” you hiccupped, relaxing in his firm hold, soothed by the steady rise and fall of his chest.

“y/n,” he sighed, tilting his head down to look at you, “they’re just pathetic nobodies who are jealous of you. do you honestly think they could actually hurt you more if you told someone? i’d like to see them try.”

his hold brought you comfort, and you found yourself calming down. he released you, reaching down to take your hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, dropping a kiss to the top of your head in the process. as he walked back with you towards the gym, he murmured darkly, “i might just give them a small taste of their own medicine.”

“kei,” you warned, hand tightening on his, “don’t.”

“i’m still going to talk to them.”

“you don’t even know who they are.”

“i can guess, or you can tell me.”

you just shook your head, his words bringing a distraction from the emotions still just beneath the surface just as he knew they would.

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