#i gave a guy my payment info for this. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

boxoftheskyking · 6 months

Text

So you might want to buy a house

DISCLAIMER: all of this is based on my own experience, and I am in no way a real estate professional. This is just some stuff that I’ve learned and some steps that I wish I’d known more about in advance, in hopes that it might be helpful for some people. I might get some terminology wrong, or make mistakes, but hopefully the general info is at least kind of helpful

ABOUT ME: because real estate stuff is specific. I am 33, single, employed, and live in a city in Minnesota, USA. This is my first home purchase, so most of this is specific to being a first-time buyer. I’ve been renting in this area for 15 years. I closed on my house in August 2023.

NOTE: The real estate market is super weird, and varies hugely from region to region, neighborhood to neighborhood, and week to week. What shook out for me will not be what shakes out for you.

This is SO LONG, so it’s under a cut, and I hope you will take it with the good faith in was intended!

Where do I start?

So you want to get started but want to talk things over first. This is a good idea! Even if you have friends and family who have bought before, it’s nice to talk to official type people where you can ask any and every question and know they’ve heard way dumber questions than you could ever come up with over the course of their career.

Employee Assistance Program -If you work a job that has benefits, you might have what’s called an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Some companies get it along with their health insurance as kind of a bundle, but a lot of people don’t talk about it or know about it. -EAPs are all different, they’re basically a resource hub that you might have access to if your employer covers it. Some things they offer are limited therapy/counseling sessions (usually around a specific need like a breakup/death/life transition), consultation about adoption, personal financial advising, and consultation on housing and buying property. -I used my EAP to find a bunch of organizations that work to support first-time home buyers. The one I went with, NeighborWorks Home Partners, is specific to my area, but there were other options listed. -I didn’t actually talk to anyone related to the EAP, I just logged in to a site that had a bunch of links. But I could have talked to someone if I wanted -If you work a job and have benefits like health insurance, retirement, dental, etc it’s worth asking whoever does your benefits (and HR person, general manager, office manager, etc) if there is an EAP. Again, a lot of people don’t really talk about it.

Homebuyer Education -There’s a bunch of different organizations that provide homebuyer education. I didn’t know many of the details about homebuying, and it’s super confusing and anxiety-inducing, so I found it helpful -There’s a few ways to do this—I did both a one-on-one consultation and an online class -The one-on-one consultation was free from the org I chose. We talked on Zoom and went over monthly budgets (which I didn’t really need to do, I make budgets for a living lolllll), a soft credit pull (will talk more about this below) and talk about what goes into a credit score, and all the different expenses that go into a house and what that might look like. At the end of the day, it gave me the first sense of what my budget for a house might be. -They did a soft credit pull (see below), which gave me a sense of my credit. It was more accurate than a thing like Credit Karma or my bank. -One note about the consultation - my down payment assistance program (will talk more about this later) required me to redo it, because I did it over a year before closing. So depending on your programs you might need to pay attention to the timeline. I also got a certificate saying I did it that I submitted to my assistance program. (Redoing it meant like a 10 minute call where the guy just helped talk me through my closing documents) -It cost me $75 to take an online class that took a few hours. It was in 8 parts and included watching some videos, reading some short articles, and then taking quizzes. You had to get 80% right to pass, and you can redo it if you need to. It went over most of the things to know and had links to read more. I also got a certificate for that to submit, and it didn’t matter how much time had passed for my assistance program.

Credit -I’m not going to explain everything about credit, because it is complicated -A soft credit pull is when they check the three major credit reporting agencies to get a general sense of your score. It’s not 100% accurate. -A hard credit pull is what lenders will do when you actually go in for a preapproval (more below). It will be the most accurate. A hard credit pull will have an affect on your credit score, so if you’re ever doing something that involves a hard credit pull, it’s best to do all of that within a month so that it only really hits once. -There are 3 credit reporting agencies, and your score will be different from each one. Why? no idea. They all have a different maximum number that your score can be. Why? again, no idea. It’s around 850 though. -Generally things get easier to do if your score is above 680ish. It’s not like you can’t get a house with a lower score, but sometimes there are other hoops to jump through. -I’m not very useful when it comes to buying a house with low credit, but I bet there are people who are! -You build credit by owing money and paying it regularly. It’s annoying and dumb, but it’s the way it is. Paying rent on time builds your credit, having a credit card that you pay off every month builds credit, paying utility bills that are in your name builds credit. (Note: This stuff has to be in your name for it to count, so if you pay your roommate every month for the electric bill and it’s in their name, it won’t count. So if you’re in that situation, you may want to put something in your name like a card to build your score). Paying off a car or phone or student loan also helps. -I have really good credit, and I’m neither rich nor special. I just set everything to autopay, including my credit card bill. I use my credit card for most things that I just shop for in the world like groceries, etc, and then I have all my bills autopay from my checking account. How did people do this shit before autopay? I have no idea.

Mortgage vs. Rent -The benefit of paying a mortgage vs rent is that you’re building equity if you pay into a mortgage. This is a surprise tool that will help you later. Which means that if you are in a situation where you need money, you can borrow from what you’ve paid into your mortgage. So like if you get very sick or have a kid going to school or want to throw a big party, you could get a loan based on your equity -Equity is confusing, don’t ask me about it -For me, I pay a bit more per month than I did in rent at my last place. BUT mostly that’s because I’d been living in the same place for many years and my rent hadn’t gone up that much. One of the first things I did when considering buying is look at how much it would cost to rent a house like the kind I would want to buy. And those rents are over what I ended up paying monthly to my mortgage. -Keep in mind that you will be taking on some extra expenses that you don’t have as a renter (like maintenance, repairs, etc). Note: if you’re buying a condo, that’s different. I don’t know shit about that. -So for me, paying my landlord every month for him to occasionally (half-assedly) fix stuff (on his schedule, where he decides who to hire or how to do the work, where he is a stranger in my space for the duration) was not as appealing as me paying the bank every month so I can have some equity -The first 6 months of owning a house feels like hemorrhaging money out of every orifice, but the majority of these expenses are one-time or rarely-reoccurring things. But I didn’t quite prepare for this the way I wish I had, so when you’re thinking about building your savings to buy a house, you’ll want to consider things like furniture, small repairs, pest control, duct cleaning, gutter cleaning, many many visits to a hardware store, realizing some of your stuff doesn’t fit the way it did in the old place and you have to get new things.... etc.

The Money Stuff

Lenders -It might be appealing to start by looking at properties, but especially in a hot market that’s not what you want to do first -The first thing to do is to look at lenders! Lenders are basically the institutions that give you the loan to buy your house, and the ones you will be paying monthly for the 30 years of your loan (or until you sell) (or die I guess) -I talked to like 13 lenders, because I love an excuse not to move forward on scary things, so I just do research and research and research until I run out of steam. So i don’t necessarily recommend doing that. But you definitely want to talk to at least a few. -Lenders can be banks (like Bank of American, US Bank, Wells Fargo, etc), credit unions (like Affinity, RCU, etc), or smaller mortgage companies. -You can also talk to mortgage brokers, which are companies that have agreements with different banks or companies and can shop around on your behalf. -I got my list of people to talk to from: my consultation (above), friends who had bought/were buying, friends who like their bank/credit unions for other things -You’ll have a specific person you’re working with, so who that person is matters. -Things you’ll want to ask about 1. How is their communication? How big is your team? If you see a house on a Saturday and they need offers by Sunday afternoon, how likely is it that they will get your preapproval letter ready in time? 2. Are they good at explaining things to you? Do they work with first-time homebuyers a lot? Do you feel dumb talking to them? Are they mortgage nerds and genuinely seem like they care about finding you good deals and cool programs? 3. What are their interest rates at the moment? Know that this will change between now and the time you have the option to lock in, so don’t put too too much weight on this 4. Most importantly: What assistance programs do they have access to? Everyone has different ones, which we’ll talk about below. Don’t assume that because a bank is huge that they have a ton of assistance. Some small places have really great programs. Likewise, some of the banks that are more well-known for big ticket mortgages (like Jumbo loans for mansions, etc) actually have crazy good programs for low-income and first-time home buyers, because they need to show that they also work for the little guy -I ended up going with a small local mortgage company because they had a kickass program ($10,000 in down payment assistance that is forgivable in 5 years. So as long as I don’t sell my house in 5 years, I don’t have to pay that back). -You may be tempted to solely base your decision on who to get a mortgage from on the politics of the lending institution. This is a lovely instinct. HOWEVER, your mortgage can be sold to anyone at any time. Within a month of moving in, my mortgage was sold to Freddie Mac. I still pay the credit union that is the servicer of my loan, but it all goes back to the big guy in the end. So basically you have no control of where your money ends up. (or maybe you do somehow, ask someone else about that) -At the end of the day, you should apply to like 2-4 different lenders. Once you fill out your application, they’ll do a hard credit pull and look at all your income, bank accounts, etc, and they’ll pre-approve you for a certain amount of money. -This is really where you’ll get your house-hunting budget. There can be a pretty big range in what you’re approved for! One lender approved me for $220K (”maybe $225K” they said). Another approved me for $280K. You’ll want to pick a lender based on all the above information, along with the amount you’re approved for. Being approved for $280K doesn’t mean that’s what you should spend (you can, but I don’t recommend it), but it does mean that your budget can be more like $250K, compared for $225K. You’ll want to look around at your area to see what’s reasonable for you.

Downpayment Assistance -for a lot of first-time buyers, the downpayment (and closing costs) is the thing that’s standing between you and being a homeowner. So that’s what a lot of organizations focus on -The more you put down (i.e. pay right off the bat), the lower your loan will be, and therefore the less your monthly payment will be. So it’s worth it to try and pay down as much as possible -(Likewise, if you buy and house and then get a windfall and are like What do I do with all this cash, paying down your mortgage will save you money) -This is because you pay MORE in interest than you pay for your house, so the less your loan is, the less you’re paying in interest. If you find a way to pay off your loan early, you end up paying less interest! And you win against the bank! If you get a raise and are able to put even like an extra $100 towards your mortgage each month, that can cut years off your loan and build your equity more quickly, thereby cutting down on the interest you end up paying. So unlike paying more money to a landlord who will eat it with a spoon, maybe more in your mortgage early is helpful for you. -Lots of downpayment assistance (hereinafter DPA) is stackable! So you can qualify for multiple programs and use them all -Many have an income requirement (for one of mine, I need to make 80% of the median income in my area or less). -Many are location specific. Some of those you can look up in advance and try to focus on properties in those areas. Some are super super specific, like this block only, or these specific addresses. That’s true for one of my programs—whenever I was considering making an offer on a house, I’d email my lender and she’d tell me if that specific address counts for the assistance program -At the end of the day, I got $30K in assistance. $10K of that is forgivable in 5 years (so I don’t have to pay it back unless I sell in that time). The other $20K is from two separate no-interest loans. This means that if I sell the house, I have to pay back that amount. Ideally by that time I’ll have enough equity in my house that will cover that. -Interest rates are super high right now, so if you’re buying now you want to think about refinancing. Refinancing is basically when you negotiate a new deal with your lender. There are fees and things (I’ve never done it so IDK), but the benefit of doing that is getting a lower interest rate. So my rate is 6.25%, and in 5 years if the rate goes down to like 2.3% I may want to refinance so I’ll be paying less in interest over the course of my loan. -If you’re getting DPA that’s a loan, you will want to ask what happens when you refinance. They’ll probably tell you either you have to pay it back when you refinance (so don’t get stuck in that situation if you don’t have that $$$ on hand) or they’ll say it’ll be subordinated -this took me like weeks to get a straight answer on wtf is subordination. Basically, you pay your loans off in order, right, so you pay your mortgage and then after that you pay off your DPA loans. So if you refinance, then your mortgage ends up being “newer” I guess. So in order to put the mortgage back “on top” of the pile to pay off, so to speak, you pay that (and it’s interest) first, the DPA loans get shoved down underneath the mortgage on the list.

Interest Rates -You can’t control interest rates. Honestly markets are so volatile and the world is so close to ending, I would say it’s not worth waiting for them to go down. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. No one fuckin knows -So many global, political, circumstantial things affect these, and who knows what might happen. My friends happened to be closing during the time the debt ceiling almost freaked out, which was outside of their control, so they got screwed with a super high rate. -After you get an offer accepted and you’re working on setting up your loan, you’ll usually get the offer to “lock in” an interest rate. Basically, if you have reason to believe rates will go down before you close, don’t do it. if you think they’ll go up, then do it. Who fuckin knows. I did it bc I didn’t think it was likely stuff would go down. And I haven’t looked it up bc if they did I don’t want to know -There are more complicated things you can do with interest rates, like “floating down” and APRs and other shit. Don’t ask me about them, I do not know.

Looking for houses

Realtors -Who your realtor is MATTERS y’all. Here is what a realtor will do: 1. Give you access to a Super Awesome online listing of properties (much better than Zillow! Updates constantly). They will set your search filters based on what you specifically want and your specific budget. That includes size, amenities, location, school district, garage, yard, etc etc 2. Arrange showings for you. Sometimes you might want to go to open houses, but you don’t have to wait for those to see a house. You tell your realtor what you’re interested in and they can set up a time for just you and them to see the place 3. Access houses with funky lil lockboxes. Heist teams should include realtors—I’ve seen my guy get into the weirdest of devices in no time 4. Recommend places to you 5. Talk on your behalf with the seller’s agents or the sellers themselves 6. Take you all the way through your offers, acceptance, all the way to closing (basically, most of the rest of this post) -I am really lucky that a friend of mine is one of the best realtors in town (in my humble opinon). It really worked out for me, because when it came to negotiating price and terms with sellers and their agents, people already respected him and his expertise because he was a known fixture in the field. I’m not saying that an early-career or unknown realtor is bad, but reputation can do a lot of heavy lifting for you (as you’ll see later) -My realtor, S, is not only a friend, but also someone who has owned, rented, built, remodeled, bought, and sold everything from high rise condos to alpaca farms to tiny houses built in shipping containers. That experience was super useful to me for a few reasons: 1. He was very very good at looking at a roof, foundation, or basement, and saying “absolutely not, this is a mess” —I could only rarely see what he was talking about because I know nothing 2. If I looked at a space and said “what if I wanted to add a shower there?” or “could I make this basement area a bedroom?” S was able to pretty accurately estimate what that would cost. So that became part of the math as we looked at places, which was really useful and saved me so much time doing research on my own 3. He’s a queer artist who grew up in a nontraditional family and has lived many fascinating and non-standard lives. I only mention this because when I wanted to talk about my future and what my home could look like, I didn’t have to worry about S making assumptions about what “family” consists of or what my “role” would be. And as a single woman who is looking to adopt, that really meant a lot to me! -(side note if you’re in the Twin Cities and want S’s info, hit me up) -The most important thing about working with S, for me, is that he never made me feel foolish. I gradually got really good at talking about and looking at houses, but even when I asked questions that were obviously, or made incorrect assumptions, he never treated me like I should have known the answers, or like the process was supposed to be easy. And the guy genuinely loves houses!

What to Look For -You’ll want to find a house that fits what you want your life to be, not necessarily what it is at this moment. So think about what you want your day to day to be like. Will you be working from home at all? Do you have or want kids or pets? Do you want to be a person who hosts out of town guests? Do you want to have band practice at your place? Do you want to host D&D? Large holiday meals? Do you want to garden? Grill? Have a firepit? Do you have a car, or do you think you will? Do you have physical access needs based on your body, like particular types of doorways, floors, stairs, size of spaces, etc.? Are there furniture pieces that are important to you that you want to plan around? (For me, I have an electric piano, and placing that was super important).

-I’m a single person, and I want to adopt a kid, and I know I’ll need a roommate in order to afford my mortgage. So it was vital for me to find a house that either had 3 bedrooms, or had 2 bedrooms and a 3rd could be easily finished/added. it was also important that my roommate would have their own private space that was decent size for me to charge rent -Think about all year round. I live in Minnesota, and you better believe snow was top of mind at every house. As a renter, my landlord was supposed to deal, with anything over 3 inches (did he always? of course not). Now it’s my responsibility. What kind of trees are around? Do you have big storms? You need to pay attention to big branches and power lines. Is it getting super hot where you live? You probably want to prioritize central air, or shade.

-On the topic of central air - It’s pricey to add it to a house that doesn’t have forced air heat, because you have to add all the ductwork. If that’s the case and you don’t have that $$$, you can either go with window units or something called a mini-split. It’s basically mini air conditioners that heat floors separately, but have a better range than a window unit. -Does the house have a yard you want to deal with? How about a sidewalk you have to shovel (woe unto you in corner lots) -How does bussing work for the schools in your area, if that matters to you? -Some houses will be empty. Empty rooms look smaller than rooms that have shit in them -Some will be staged. People who stage houses don’t fill them with STUFF, so you’ll notice few bookcases, coatracks, etc. Think about the stuff you have, not the stuff they put in the house. -You will be AMAZED at how some people live. Seriously. Some people have a giant ass oak tree literally leaning on their roof and just deal with it. Some people have 3 bedroom houses, and the only bathroom is only accessible by going through one of the bedrooms. Some people have their fridge down a flight of stairs from the kitchen. Some people have their laundry in the basement, but the only access to the basement is through an outside door. In some climates that’s fine, but I live in fucking Minnesota -I had the instinct when I started looking that I needed to be entirely open to everything, and not be too picky. After about two weeks of looking (and S had me going to like 4-9 showings a day some days), I got real picky real fast. This was helpful for S and helpful for me, so we weren’t wasting time on houses that weren’t contenders. I learned that the houses’ feelings did not get hurt by me not wanting to buy them -Likewise, I started out being entirely open about where I wanted to live. Anywhere in the Cities or near suburbs, I said. But then I went to see houses in these places and realized I did not want to drive that far to work, or that the only way to access places was by the highway, so if it shuts down or there’s a bad snowstorm, I’m stuck. -To that end, i found it really helpful to make myself a Google map (you can make some and save them) of where I go. I included work, church, my bandmates houses, bars I like to go to, and my friends’ houses. Then whenever I was considering a house I’d plunk it on the map and see how it lined up with the realities of my life. -We’ll talk about offers in a sec, but remember that people can technically list their house for whatever number they want. So it’ll be up to you and your realtor to decide what’s fair. I mention this here, because a house may be listed way cheaper than others on your list—there’s likely a reason for that, but if it looks promising, give it a try! It could be that the reason it’s listed low doesn’t matter to you (i.e. it’s next to an annoying business that you don’t mind, or doesn’t have a garage but you don’t have a car, or the other houses int he neighborhood have yards and this doesn’t). Or it could be the seller needs to move it FAST and you can take advantage of their situation. -If you’re a handy person, a cheaper house might be a great option if fixing it up to be what you want is affordable for you. (Again, this is where a realtor like S can be super helpful to come up with those costs). For me, I didn’t want to do jack shit to the house, and I knew I’d be paying for that. (not that I don’t have a whole spreadsheet of eventual projects....but that’s invevitable) -Likewise, it can be helpful to set your filters to include houses a bit above your budget. Some people list their houses WAY higher than they should, so if you see a property that’s been on the market for a while (when I was looking the market was hothothot, so “a while” could mean anything over a week/10 days. In a slower market, you’ll want to look at those that have been listed for 30+ days), it might be worth checking out and then offering low. Chances are the seller will need to reduce the price anyway if they’re not getting any bites, and you could get a good deal by jumping in before they do that. -IDK where else to put this, but measure the garage. I didn’t, and I discovered like a month ago that my car (a little compact Toyota) is too long for my damn garage. It’s not that I wouldn’t have bought the house because of that, but I could have included it in some negotiations.

Offers -So you found a house you like! Now the scary part.

-You’ll get a sense of the market from your realtor, and they can usually advise you about how quickly you need to move on a potential offer. Sometimes a seller will give a deadline themselves: they call this “best and highest.” So they’ll say “we’re hearing offers at 3pm tomorrow” or “we’re asking for best and highest on Monday.” Generally that’s the cutoff for receiving viable offers. -In the market when I was buying, it was pretty common for houses to sell for 20-40K over the asking price. Again, some houses would be listed too high or too low, as I mentioned before, but on average that’s what I was working with. There were also a TON of offers on all the properties I liked. The lowest number of offers on a house I tried to get was 5, the highest was 19. That is kind of insane. In a slower market, when you’re not competing with that many people, you can offer closer to the asking price (or some people just say “asking” as in “20 over asking”) -The first thing I did when I decided to put in an offer, was to talk to my realtor so he could start getting the paperwork together. You can’t just email the seller and say “i want your house,” there are legal documents that have to be drawn up to make it a binding agreement if it’s accepted. -My folks bought their house without a realtor and did all the negotiating, etc, themselves, but they still needed a realtor friend to do the paperwork for them. If you go that route, you can probably do more informal offers, but IDK how that works. -The next thing I did was contact my lender for the following things: 1. I gave them the address and asked “Does this fall within certain DPAs?” 2. I asked them to run some numbers for me. Usually it was a version of: “What would my monthly payment be if I offered $240K and put down $5K in earnest money, and if I had $20K of downpayment assistance? How about if I offered $245K or $250K? What if I only put down $2500?” This helped me figure out what kind of offer I could reasonably make, and what it would actually cost me monthly if I got the house. 3. Then, when I decided what I wanted to offer, I would ask for a preapproval letter that includes the address of the property, basically saying “hey we’re a lender and we will give Jay a loan of $XX to buy this house, pinky promise” -I copied S on all my communications with the lender, so he knew what I was considering and he could give advice -(sometimes I saw a house on Friday and had to make an offer by noon on Saturday, leading to me trying to call my lender at 9am on a Saturday morning, which sucked. This is why knowing who’s on your lender’s team and how to contact them matters) -There’s no hard and fast way to decide on a good offer, because you won’t know how many you’re competing against. Sometimes your realtor might be able to chat with the sellers agent and find out how many people saw the property, if they have a sense of how popular it is, but sometimes you want. You want to be able to afford it, but also not go so low that you won’t even be considered. -Usually, your realtor will ask you to write a love letter to the house to include in the offer. “Dear seller, I love your house because of blah blah blah, I can see myself doing blah blah blah, specifics specifics.” Do these matter? I don’t feel like they do but whatever. Make a template and update it for each offer. -One thing to note about this is that you DO NOT want to give information about yourself regarding your status in a protected class (i.e. “we’re a young queer couple; I’m a neurodivergent person; I’m an immigrant/veteran/belong to X racial group”). It might seem like that would be helpful in certain areas, but sellers aren’t legally allowed to pick a buyer based on those things, so it ends up working against you. You can talk about what you do as a job or as a hobby, if you’re an artist, if you’re a parent, if you have pets, if you know who else will be living int he house with you, etc. You can hint at things. But S was very clear with me about keeping it pretty general and about the house. -Once you’ve decided on the $$$ you’re offering, you need to decide if there’s anything else to add to “sweeten the pot.” For some people, that’s saying “my timeline is totally flexible, so if you need to close in a month that’s fine, and if you need to close in 4 months that’s fine.” A lot of people choose to waive inspections. -OHHHHHH Ye olde inspection. Dear God. -The inspection is basically a thing where you hire a professional to look at the house before you officially seal the deal, and they tell you if there are things you need to be concerned about. So if the inspector comes in and says “yeah this roof is going to cave in in a year,” you can use that in your negotiation and say “look, I’m going to lower my offer by $15K, because I will need a new roof in a year.” then it’s up to the seller to decide if they want to agree to that, or if they want to try again to find a buyer who hopefully would not get an inspection. -to “waive an inspection” means that you’re agreeing to skip this step -OK so my instinct was always “I will NEVER waive the inspection,” and a lot of people feel that way. HOWEVER, I did not get certain houses because the people who did offered exactly what I did and waived the inspection. There was a buyer who had made SEVENTEEN OFFERS and beat me out on a house, and they got that house after SEVENTEEN OTHER TRIES because they waived an inspection. -I did get an inspection with my house, which was lucky and also thanks to S being a great negotiator. -I waived it on one of my offers -I would say I’d be comfortable waiving an inspection if: 1. You or your realtor knows shit about buildings, codes, etc. S knew a lot, so was able to look at things like furnaces, windows, basement beams, foundations, etc etc. 2. The important parts of the house are easily visible. Usually this means an unfinished basement. if the basement is finished, you probably can’t see all the structural things you’d need to 3. You’re already planning to do a bunch of work on a house, so you’re offering a lower bid and budgeting to do renovations anyway -At the end of the day, it’s your call. More about inspections below. -Most people who buy houses have mortgages, meaning that they can’t just drop $250K on a house. However, some people got it like that, so they make what is called a cash offer. Cash offers will win out every time, because they are usually higher, are easier for the sellers, and will often waive inspections. Depending on your region and your budget, you may or may not see this. I got screwed SO MANY TIMES and so did my friends, by all-cash, no inspection offers. The majority of these are from people who are buying properties to rent out or Airbnb - they won’t live there so they don’t really care if it’s solid, and my budget range seemed to be about where rich people who don’t want to flip a house felt comfortable buying. It was annoying. -but hey if you got it like that, go for it. -Once you have all the terms of your offer figured out, your realtor will send you the official offer paperwork that you’ll sign (prob. digitally). Then they’ll send it over to the seller and be in charge of all that communication. If the seller comes back with a counter, or with questions, your realtor will bring that to you. They may advise you, but at the end of the day it is up to you what you’ll offer and what you’ll accept.

You got accepted!

-Holy cats, they said yes to your offer and your terms! This is a huge moment to celebrate! I cried! And obsessively looked at pictures of the house over and over -The seller may come back to you with some proposed adjustments. In my case they wanted to round the selling price up by $1K, which I agreed to. (IDK why they cared, but in the grand scheme that was fine). They also wanted to change some of the verbiage in the offer that didn’t actually affect anything. -The first thing you’ll need to do is put down the earnest money. That is usually held in a trust or something similar until closing. But basically, if you said you’d put down $5K of your own money in the offer, you have to prove you have it right away. So don’t offer to put down earnest money that you don’t have! -The higher this number, the more appealing your offer generally is -There are a lot of things that will need to wait until you close, so this period of time feels really weird -You’ll have a purchase agreement (along with any addendums or changes) that basically says “I’m Jay and I offer $XX, the seller agreed to the price and the terms, we’ll see how it goes from here and if it all goes well, this deal will go through” -I’m gonna say it now, don’t ask me about escrow. Escrow is basically like an account where money lives between you and the bank. You pay extra into this account so that if something happens and you can’t pay what you agreed, the bank still gets the money for a certain period of time. or something like that, I don’t know, it gives me a headache. I’m sure other people understand it better.

Next steps

Inspection -If you included an inspection in your offer/purchase agreement, you’ll want to set that up within a few days. (Don’t worry about booking “last minute,” inspectors pretty much always work on that kind of schedule. Very few people are booking inspectors weeks in advance. This was something I felt bad about, but it’s okay)

-Inspections are pricey, and usually have different packages that include different things. I chose to do the sewer scope bc I had a friend who found some crazy sewer issues and I didn’t want to deal with it. Your realtor can probably give you advice on what you might need. -Inspector look at a lot of things: all your systems (like heating, cooling, pipes, electricity, etc), your windows, roof, foundation, gutters, attics, floors, plumping, appliances, etc. -They do NOT open walls/ceilings/floors, etc. So if it’s not visible, they won’t be able to report on it. -They’ll send you a big ol’ report, and if you can be there with them they’ll do a walk through with you to talk over big issues. Your realtor should come to that as well, as they might have good questions. -After you have the information, you have to decide if there are any big issues that need to be addressed. The inspector will flag things that are a problem legally, but it’s up to you how much you care about them. Some will be easy fixes. Others might be deal breakers that mean you decide to walk away from the property entirely. Most things will be in the middle. -Note that some things are legally “issues” but practically may not matter. There are certain outlets on the outside of my house that aren’t right, but I don’t intend to use them much and if it turns out I need to, it’s not that expensive to switch them out. My basement stairs are an absolutely death trap, but my laundry is upstairs and so i dont really need to use them much. I could spend like $4K to replace them, but I don’t care at this point, and it’s not a big issue for me. But legally they are terrible. -Some things may be an absolute problem that the seller needs to deal with before you’ll agree to by the house. -You and your realtor will come up with a list of things you want to tell the seller to fix before closing. They might fight you on some of them, and again that’s why the realtor being a good negotiator matters. -Generally, you want to ask for fixes on the important things, without asking for every little thing, so the seller doesn’t decide you’re too much trouble and they could probably back out and get a better offer that wouldn’t cost them as much in repairs. -for me, the garage door was busted so they defnitely needed to fix that. There was a pipe that was put in wrong that was a quick fix. And there were birds in the attic, so they needed to clear those out and go through and block up all the entry points in the room. All of these requests were reasonable, and the sellers agreed to them. -At this point, it’s up to you if you want to pay for a re-inspection (i.e. the inspector coming back to verify that they did all the work they were supposed to). I didn’t—instead I had them give me all the receipts from the work that was done along with photos and video of the work. That way if something is a problem in the future, I can contact the companies that did the work and take advantage of warranties, etc.

Home Service Warranty -Speaking of warranties! There’s a thing called a Home Service Warranty that you’ll need to decide on. Mine is through American Home Shield. Basically this is a warranty that covers things in your house. There are different levels of coverage, so some just cover the big things like windows/roof/furnace/water heater/etc. As you upgrade, it’ll include things like stoves, fridges, dishwashers, etc. -If you’re getting your own warranty, you basically pay a certain amount per month for the coverage. Then if any of the covered things break down, it get’s fixed for free (plus a small service charge. For me that’s $125). So if your inspector tells you “hey, you’ve got about a year left on this water heater” or “the furnace has some issues that might come up in a few years” you could save a BUNCH of money by having this coverage. -My realtor got this warranty included in my purchase agreement, so the seller is actually paying for a. year of my coverage at he upgraded level. This is SICK AS HELL and not every realtor will think of it—definitely mention it to yours. I didn’t even think of it as an option. Basically what this means is that if any of my stuff breaks this first year, I can get it replaced for very cheap AND I don’t even have to pay the monthly coverage fee. -When I moved in, my shower was broken. I tried to fix it, but the called AHS and I only paid $125 for a plumber to come look at it, order parts (which would have been pricey since my house is pretty old), and fix it for me. I hate my fridge, so I have a goal to break it this year so I can get a new one for free.

Appraisal -Okay, so you got the seller to agree to your fixes, everything is moving apace. It is time for the GOD DAMN APPRAISAL -(for many people, the appraisal is fine and is not GOD DAMN anything. For me, it was a nightmare and I didn’t sleep for like 2 weeks) -Okay so what is an appraisal. Basically, the seller said “my house is worth $XX” you said “I’ll pay $XX for it.” Your lender said “we’ll give Jay a loan for $XX.” But now someone else has to look at the house and determine if it’s a fair price for the house. This is what really determines the loan you’ll get (this is also why what you’ve gotten so far is a pre-approval. They’ve basically said “you’re capable of paying back a loan of $XX, but we need an outside agency to determine if this house is worth is”) -The appraiser will look at the house, inspection reports, and other sales of similar houses in your area. Ideally, this helps them determine if the price you and the seller have agreed on is in line with what is reasonable. -Banks are not going to give you a $400K loan on a potting shed in a ditch -It’s all complicated and this is where a lot of shit in the Housing Crisis came from -Basically, you want the appraisal to come at or higher than your purchase price. (if it comes in higher, do a little dance bc you got a deal) -If it comes in lower, you can be in trouble. That’s what happened to me. -A note about rules & regs - lenders cannot talk directly to appraisers. This is because of the housing crisis and all the shady backroom deals that were happening (i.e. if you appraise this house at this price, we’ll give you Mr. Appraiser Guy some kickbacks from the extra money we’re making in mortgage interest or whatever). In practical terms, this means it takes FOREVER to get messages to all the parties involved. -If the appraisal comes in low, you can ask for a reappraisal. It’s up to the appraiser if they agree. There are rules about this. -What Happened To Me: OK so my house is in a historically Black and immigrant neighborhood (read, historically redlined). This means a lot of the properties here are undervalued based on other locations. In a hot market, even undervalued properties can go up in price in a big way. In a slow market, that doesn’t happen so much. My appraiser only wanted to pull comps (meaning comparable sales of similar houses in the same area) in my exact neighborhood. However, there hadn’t been any sales of similar size/age/etc houses in my exact neighborhood since last winter. Guess what the market is like in the winter in Minnesota! Fucking SLOW boy. So these comps were coming in like $20K lower than my agreed price. So my realtor and lender took a look and said “look, if we widen out a little bit to these nearby neighborhoods, we can see all these more recent sales that are closer to our price.” It took two weeks of back and forth to get the appraiser to agree to add some of these comps to the appraisal. He was really reluctant to look outside my immediate area, because my neighborhood is of “lower value” than the surrounding areas. Structural racism, baby. Not against me, but against my neighbors and everyone who’s lived in this area for the past 150 years. Hooray. Finally, I got a re-appraisal that was $8K lower than my purchase price. So I was in a pickle. I had an agreement with the seller saying I’ll pay $XX, while the bank is now saying “we’ll only give you a loan for $XX-minus-$8K.” So either I need to come up with $8K MORE of a down payment in earnest money, or I need the purchase price to go down. Or i need to find more assistance. HERE IS WHERE HAVING S MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. He went to the seller and basically used his status and significant experience to say “Look, you can either agree to lower the purchase price by $8K, or we all walk away. If we walk away, this means you have to re-list the house, wait for more offers. And then even if you get an offer as good as or better than Jay’s, that person will still need to go through the appraisal process. So... you’ll probably be right back here. The only chance you have of skipping appraisal is if someone comes in with a cash offer, meaning they won’t need a loan and no bank is involved. But for a lot of the reasons the appraisal is low, those types of buyers (who often want rentals/vacation rental properties) ain’t looking to buy in this neighborhood.”

(or that’s what I imagine he said. It was probably smarter)

ANYWAY, all that to say a MIRACLE occurred, and the seller agreed to lower the purchase price of the house by $8K. I can tell you the whole story of how I found out over a drink sometime, but let me tell you I wepttttttt

-Anyhow, once the appraisal is good and you’re pretty sure the deal is going through, you gotta get insurance. call a bunch of places, figure out what coverage you need, see if it’s cheaper or easier to put car/life/etc in the same place. You have to have insurance if you have a home loan - basically the bank owns the house, so it’s in their interest to have it covered in case of disaster.

Closing

-I’m going to be quick on this, because it’s super technical and I only kind of understand it. -Closing is basically the day where you sign all the paperwork, after which the house is yours! Then you can start moving, renovating, decorating, whatever you want. -One of the things that’s part of closing is the Title and Title Insurance. Basically, you need to pay to have the paper that says you own the house, and then you have to pay for insurance on that piece of paper. Why. IDK. -At this point there’s so many random fees and charges, I just kind of looked at the totals and made sure nothing was way out of range of what I expected. -A few days before closing, you should have the following: 1. receipts/evidence from any fixes made to the house or a re-inspection report 2. Closing disclosures, which basically means any information that’s attatched to the deed for the home. This can include unpaid property taxes, any weird liens on the property, any easement agreements with neighbors you should know about, etc. 3. All the paperwork you will sign! -It is in your best interest to read ALL OF IT if you can. (the title person was surprised I’d read mine, which I found super worrying lol) -If you are buying a house by yourself, you will not BELIEVE how many times you will read “Jay, A SINGLE PERSON, is buying a house ALONE AND BY THEMSELF, as a SINGLE UNMARRIED ALONE PERSON” Very judgy. What are you, my grandma? -One thing about disclosures—it’s up to your title company to do research on weird shit that might be attached to your property. You can technically choose your title company, but I wouldn’t not recommend looking for the cheapest option if the company doesn’t have much of a track record. I had an issue come up with a payment the seller owed that was delayed, and my title company had to be the one that caught that. My friend and his husband got in trouble because some seller 5 years ago didn’t pay property taxes, and so the IRS came for THEM. The title company should have caught that before they closed and had it dealt with. They won’t end up paying it, but it’s a huge pain and they have to argue with the IRS which is never fun. -On closing day, you’ll do a final walk through with your realtor. This is your last chance to bring up any issues! You DEFINITELY want to do this walk through. If the seller left the door unlocked and an entire family has taken up residence in the living room, you need to know! If the contractor they hired to fix the plumbing knocked a new whole in the wall, you need to know! Don’t expect that the seller will tell you about any new issues that they caused. -This is your last chance to say “Hey, there’s a new major issue that wasn’t reporting, i ain’t signing shit until we re-negotiate” -If you find yourself in this situation (hopefully you won’t!) PLEASE don’t be afraid to say something! Don’t worry about how much time and money has already been put into it, or about calling out a seller who is acting in bad faith or fucked somethign up. This is your house! It matters! And your realtor should have your back. -But most of the time, the final walk through is fine! Then you go somewhere to sign all the paperwork. If you’re like me and have 3 different types of DPA, it will be two giant folders worth of paperwork. -Once you sign the paperwork with the Title Company, they’ll put the paperwork through. After that happens, the bank should transfer the whole ass agreed amount to the seller. Also, if your DPA is in the form of other smaller loans from other sources, those should be paying to the seller at the same time. -in MY case, one of my DPAs took 3 hours to process for some reason, so I had the most anti-climactic closing ever. I signed everything, waited for an hour and a half, and then they were like “you can go, we’ll email you when you officially own the house” So I just awkwardly hung around and ate pancakes until I got the email. -Let’s say you have a relative who wants to help you out with your downpayment (Yay! Every little bit counts!) Or let’s say you’re living with someone who doesn’t want the house to be in their name, but they want to contribute to these initial costs. You’ll want to talk to your lender about this as soon as you know about it. There is special paperwork for “gifts” that basically let’s it go directly to you downpayment but it doesn’t count towards your income. So if Grandma Bob says “I got $10K for you” and you just deposit the check in your account and plan to pay $10K more in earnest money, that will suddenly look like you have $10K more money to your name, so might change how your loan and DPA shake out. But if you get Grandma Bob to sign a particular document and give you a certified check, you can just give that right to the Title person and it goes right to making your downpayment bigger, therefore making your loan smaller! Thanks Grandma Bob! -”Cash to close” is essentially what you are paying at closing via all sources. So that’s your downpayment (including all assistance) any gifts, your earnest money, etc. Sometimes you have additional closing costs. They may be covered by DPA, or you may be on the hook to write an additional check. You’ll know this in advance. -Hey, check it out, you own a house now! -(keep all your paperwork0 -They’ll give you a document you have the file with the city called Homestead filing, basically telling the city that you own a house and you live there.

NOW WHAT?

-Now I’m done telling you things. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more, but also talk to professionals in your region who know things. -I started writing this post before I closed in July 2023. It’s now mid-November, and I’ve been living here for 3 months. Here’s some stuff I’ve learned that might be helpful: 1. It’s good to know what kid of walls you have (drywall vs. plaster and lathe, etc) because that determines how you can hang things on them. Also if you have plaster walls, just get a cheap magnetic stud finder. The fancy electronic ones often don’t work 2. It’s good to have a drill. It just is. 3. If there’s a big project you need done (say your garage is too short for your goddamn car), you may qualify for a home improvement loan from the same kind of orgs that give DPA. I’m doing it just because I don’t want to drop $3K in one go. Technically I have 4 years to pay it off, but I’m going to make larger monthly payments and pay it offer quicker than that. 4. We can talk about contractors and permit and zoning all day. Suffice to say, it’s good to look up who to talk to at the city about construction permits, and they can be both incredibly confusing and very nice. Often at the same time. 5. If you’re gonna have a roommate or partner or non-child family member who is paying you monthly to help with the mortgage, DRAW UP A LEASE. You want shit in writing, and they have rights as tenants that need to be respected. Many a relationship has been saved by PUTTING SHIT IN WRITING. (there are templates you can find) 6. FEELINGS: People always tell you “You won’t know how you feel about X until you do it.” Getting a dog, moving away from your folks, living with a partner, whatever. I am here as an old man to tell you, they are right. I had no idea I would have such BIG FEELINGS about this lil old house. When I come home and my roommate has the lights on and it has a glow, I feel so much that sometimes I cry! Setting things up, making decisions about organization, learning how to be in my space, means so so much more to me now than it ever did when I was renting. The stress is greater, too, because I have to make all the decisions! It’s exhausting! But every day in my house I am so happy to be here, I’m so glad my other offers weren’t accepted, because this is the best of the houses I looked at. It is my 117 year old baby and I love it forever.

Also I never want to do this again lol I’ve decided to die here.

#home buying #not really advice but kind of #per request

48 notes · View notes

o-uncle-newt · 5 months

Text

Cabin Pressure Advent Day 27: Zurich Part 2

Okay, now that my face has loosened up from the grin it's been in for the last twenty minutes...

I think that it is important for me to say here that this is my favorite finale of anything ever (obviously in combination with Part 1). In any medium.* It's just so so perfect, emotionally resonant (which I don't need to devote SO much time to because as I noted JF did it perfectly here) and one of the funniest episodes JF ever wrote of anything.

It's also got some absolutely GENIUS plotting and impeccable attention to detail, including such tiny things as having Theresa establish in Part 1 that Martin has told her time and time again about the St Petersburg saga, and therefore she remembers enough about it to contribute when they're planning in Part 2 by pointing out that in St Petersburg Gordon would have been able to take anything small out of the aircraft. It's unnecessary- JF could have given the line to someone else- but the fact that he not only gave it to her but gave us enough information for it to make sense that she said it works so well. And then when there's "stop quickly" "that I can do," and Arthur screeches them to a halt, it's a perfect reminder from last episode about the brake pads, which is such subtle set up for Martin to suggest that they be given in lieu of payment. (Sure, if I were Bruce Fraser I'd be a BIT more suspicious that the guy who offered 14k only showed up with 12, but he's also the kind of guy who likes Arthur's Goofy painting so maybe it's just better all around not to trust his discernment.)

When I first listened to this episode exactly nine years ago, I was a couple of minutes late, and so it wasn't until months later that I first heard the amazing cold open with Tiffy. Which, by the way, is so so funny... I love it so much, it's just perfect as a recap-without-being-too-info-dumpy and as just a peek into Arthur's world. Which is fitting, because I really see this as Arthur's episode. There are very few episodes that feel that way- St Petersburg was KIND OF one, but it ended up being more about how the rest of them jump into action to protect him than him being able to do anything. But here... this is Arthur's moment! He's INCREDIBLY active in this episode, whether solving the ID problem or realizing that Gordon is trying to trick them. He doesn't usually get to be so it's really great

If I had to rank the others in terms of their relevance to the plot after Arthur, it would probably be Douglas, Carolyn, Martin. Douglas is definitely the key one, and I'd argue that without his key role, Martin would be basically irrelevant to the plot here- the episode tries to convince us that Martin might not take the job, but even once he has a real practical way to stay with MJN we kind of know he won't, and have known since Yverdon. But Douglas, as JF noted in Farewell Bear Facts, has to prove he's worthy of being captain and put himself on the line- and he has to be able to serve in a mentorly capacity for Arthur (where it's a bit more paternal, even) and Martin.

On that last note, I used to be a bit annoyed by Douglas telling Martin to take on his shtick, because I was like "Martin is fine just the way he is, imagine if he turns into DOUGLAS"- I still kind of think this way (though of course I'm sure it's more metaphorical than him pretending to be Douglas exactly) but relistening to the whole show, including some of my least favorites, reminds me that Martin could kind of use being someone else... who he used to be was really fucking annoying lol.

As far as Carolyn, I WILL add something about her journey here because JF doesn't mention it in his post. He talks about how her journey is to be more vulnerable to Herc, but I think it goes farther, in a way I've talked about here. The question she finally asks Herc- why does him saying he loves her mean something different now than it did to his previous exes- is her being vulnerable to HIM, but also an expression of an inability to be vulnerable that she'd shown to everyone, not just him. The whole time- til at least late S3, at least- she couldn't trust people, she felt like she needed to rule by fear, and it takes vulnerability for her to accept that eventually she's not the one in total control and people are doing things for her because they care about her and the company as something bigger than her and that it's not totally in her control. Maybe this episode it manifests itself in the question to Herc and being vulnerable to him... but it also manifests itself in her changing the name of the airline. It's OUR Jet Still.

A few smaller notes:

Martin, Douglas and Arthur all saying Yellow Car is my favorite thing ever

I use the phrase "a thousand strawberry lollies and the Princess of Liechtenstein" all the time and it's one of my favorite lines ever

The scene with Douglas-as-Gordon and Martin-as-Douglas is possibly the funniest exchange JF ever wrote (I feel like I say that kind of thing a lot)

And... "I hate flying into the sunset" is such a fantastic line to very-nearly-end on. It's a tie back to Limerick, but it's also an expression of how they literally are ending with a fairy tale ending, flying off into the sunset... which they'd all said wasn't possible in Zurich Part 1! Though Arthur was still right- it wasn't a totally fairytale ending, it was more like The Jungle Book. Martin's not there, he goes off with the girl to the human village. And so it's not a fairytale ending, where everything freezes at an unlikely ending point- it's BETTER. They're all in the best possible places for them, as characters, to continue, even if it's bittersweet, and it's amazing.

I do have to say- doing this every day has been such a joy. I may come back tomorrow to do a final thing but I'm not sure, but in the meantime, thank you for being here and I hope you enjoyed as much as I have!

*It used to be tied with the finale of Detectorists, and I still love the S3 finale, but they then fucked it up by doing that Christmas special last year which was honestly horrendous.

#cabin pressure #cabin pressure advent 2023 #cabin pressure advent #john finnemore #zurich part 2 #also for all who celebrate #merry christmas #or should i say #GET DRESSED YOU MERRY GENTLEMEN

16 notes · View notes

writingseaslugs · 1 year

Text

Che'nya: Holiday Special

Here's a side dish for this morning! My good boy, Che'nya!

Disclaimer: All characters in this series are aged up. For more information about my version of this world and the type of reader you can expect, please do a quick read of THIS post.

Che’nya: Cafes

You couldn’t feel your finger tips, as you shoved your hands into your pocket, heading into the town. Snow covered every inch, except for the streets that seemed to have some enchantment on it. You swore up and down that next time you’d convince someone to give you a ride into town. It was too cold to make such a long walk.

You were about to grab your phone and message Che’nya to let him know that you had arrived, when you heard a familiar chuckle behind you. Two hands wrapped around your waist, as you decided to just fall right into his arms.

Che’nay let out a small grunt, not expecting you to put all your weight onto him. His chest was warm as you looked up at his grinning face, “Perfect timing.” You noted to him and he snickered.

“Of course, I’ve been here for hours already.” He said, as you hummed.

“Oh you have? You sure, because you feel awfully warm for someone who was sitting out in the snow for hours.” You said, not to mention you could still smell something on him that you kind of just connected to how his school was.

“Awe, you think I’d lie to ya?” Che’nya asked with a small pout. You spun around in his arms, wrapping your own around his shoulders.

“You wouldn’t lie, you just like to tell me things that are only partial truths sometimes.” You said, making him chuckle, before grabbing your cheek and giving you a peck on the forehead.

“Your words are so hurtful.” He pouted, as you looked up at him.

“You look hurt.” You said before grabbing his hand, “Now come on, I’m freezing. You said we could stop by the cafe, before we started shopping for presents.” You said, dragging him through the streets. You two had agreed to go shopping together for your friends since it gave you an excuse to hang out.

The usual cafe you guys went to had their open sign on, the warmth emanated from the building. You walked inside and sighed in relief as the warmth overtook you. Coffee and pastries filled your senses, as you looked at everything. The man behind the counter gave you a happy greeting, as you began taking off your coat.

“Whatcha getting today?” Che’nya asked, as he took your jacket from your hands, putting it up for you.

“Thinking peppermint hot chocolate, and you?” You asked him, as he smirked.

“I wanted some chai…and a little of whatever you’re grabbing.” He said, you let out an amused huff.

“Ah, so you’re stealing my pastries and chocolate?” You said and he ruffled your hair.

“Yup.” He said before leaning down, “I can pay you back.” He said, you raised your eyebrow.

“How so?” You used and he let out a small hum.

“Like this.” He said, placing a gentle kiss on your lips. You melted into the brief contact and chuckled as you parted.

“Payment accepted, now lets go order.”

Are you a fan of Diasomnia like me? I bet you are if you read my content (we love the boys in this household). Want to support a visual novel that will feature the Diasomnia dorm, has multiple routes and endings, as well as some spicy visual scenes? Check out @twstfournights and if you want info, check out their announcement post!

#Twisted Wonderland x Reader #TWST #TWST x Reader #TWST Wonderland #Twisted Wonderland Disney #TWST Disney #Che’nya #Che’nya x Reader #Chenya x Reader #TWST Che’nya #Twisted Wonderland Che’nya #TWST Chenya #Twisted Wonderland Chenya

115 notes · View notes

lazulisong · 1 year

Text

i have had genuinely the stupidest customer service experience i have ever had in my life.

when i got run over in january, the runner overer gave us his info but i never put a claim in because workers comp paid for everything

either SAIF sent them a request for reimbursement or someone found a file shoved somewhere, because about a week and a half ago GEICO became aware that i existed and one of their customers was responsible for me spending a very unpleasant evening waiting for x-rays

oh shit, said GEICO, we should probably give this person money so they don't sue us

after an elaborate and exhausting game of phone tag, they offered me money and i accepted it

the agent forgot to get my email address

the agent then failed to answer or, apparently, listen to the voicemail where i was like "hey did you guys need my email? here it is just in case" OR multiple messages like "hey i was unfortunately raised a lady so i won't say 'what the fuck happened to that email with deposit directions' but i sure mean that"

i also messaged their twitter support who swore an agent would reach out. they did not.

i reach one of her coworkers instead of her. he informs me that since they didn't have my email, they have sent a paper check. i did not say "in the year of our agony 2023, you sent me a PAPER CHECK?"

i get a guilty follow up message from the original agent, which i do not return

on monday, the check comes. "oh boy!" you are thinking, "now the saga concludes!!!"

hahahaha HAHAHA haha

i deposit the check via mobile

USBANK, with no notice or explanation, puts a hold on the funds, not the regular one! the entire caboodle

i not unnaturally go to my local branch on my lunch break and ask the very nice cashier what was going on

(i got to pet a retriever puppy, the only thing that saved my temper)

cashier calls their service line. service line informs her that the check is on hold until. april 11.

there was no notice or note in the mobile app OR the cashiers program to note this

i realize another GEICO agent had left me a voicemail (i think i got kicked upstairs) and i call her back like "well it can't hurt"

she then proceeds to spend twenty minutes conference calling USBANK to figure out what happened

fraud guy: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we didn't think it was real ig sorry about the trouble also lol no we can't release the hold! why would we do that?

me: ಠ_ಠ

this agent literally had to request a stop payment on the paper check and get my email address (finally) to send me the direct deposit instructions

success! but in the most irritating way possible

if i think about how if only the initial agent had fucking remembered to get my email OR check her messages i could have not spent the time i did dealing with it, my eye starts spasming again

#meg what is your problem

37 notes · View notes

sailorsenshishitposter · 4 months

Text

MGR office au part 6 - a day in the life of Jetstream Sam

After that awkward encounter with his boss, Sam got dressed and then double jumped onto the roof. He needed some space and didn't want to think about what had just happened. He gazed down the deadly height noticing a new face that he had never seen before. "What a pretty boy. I should go meet him." He then jumped all the way down and did a super hero landing, causing the earth to shatter beneath his feet. Since this was Denver, all the locals were used to strange events and paid no attention.

He ran towards the intriguing man and then stood in front of him. "Excuse me but would this happen to be you?" There was a poster in bold writing that said "HOT, SEXY CYBORGS IN YOUR AREA" The man responded back "Sorry. I'm from Liberia. You must have the wrong guy." He tried to walk away until Sam grabbed his shoulder. "Did it hurt?" The other man was now totally confused. "What?"

"I said did it hurt. When you fell. From Heaven." Sam then gave a massive shit eating grin and winked. The man let out a disgusted noise. "Ugh. What are you even supposed to be with that green exoskeleton? Shrek?" Sam chuckled. "Human Shrek I hope." He gave another smile. The other man became flustered. "You're impossible to get rid of!"

"No I'm Samuel Rodriguez but you can call me Papai ;) What's your name blondie?" The other man groaned. "I guess you won't leave me alone. My names Raiden all right? Not blondie!" Sam laughed. "Whatever you say pretty boy." As the two men were chatting, his colleagues began to wonder where he went?

Suddenly a voice came over the intercom. "Due to recent events, today's plans are cancelled. Next week we will be having a lesson on sexual harassment in the work place. Thank you all for understanding and good day." "Look at what you got us into Sundowner!" said Monsoon. The cyborg began to protest. "Hey, I got today's plan cancelled. More time for me to watch info wars. Besides, Sam's not here anyway!"

"While that may be true, we still won't be receiving payment today, no thanks to your actions and Mistral still wants to hang your corpse above her fireplace." Sundowner gulped. "Speakin' of which, where is she?" He carefully tip toed around the room only to nearly be caught by a whip. "MERDE! I ALMOST HAD YOU!" Sundowner then grabbed Monsoon. "Let's get outta here and find Sam!"

Soon they were outside of headquarters. "Okay, I think I'm safe now." The bald man let out a breath that he didn't realize he had been holding. "What the- Is that good ol' Sammy!" Monsoon used his vizor to zoom in. Low and behold, there was Sam along with some stranger. Without thinking, he blatantly asked "So Sundowner, who do you think is the top?" His coworker was now totally confused. "Why the hell are you bringin' up clothing?"

"...Nevermind. Let's not have another repeat of yesterday shall we? Anyway my Intel is telling me that the man he is with is a infamous cyborg called Raiden. Otherwise known as Mr. Lightning Bolt-" "No fuckin' way! They really call him that?" Sundowner was now on the ground cackling. Monsoon sighed. "If you will let me finish, he's a skilled child soldier from Liberia, directly took on the patriots and has-.... child bearing hips...?"

"What in the fuck man!?" Neither of them could believe what they just heard. "All right, change of plans. We'll observe them from afar." Ten minutes later and Sundowner had acquired a giant Amazon warehouse cardboard box that the two of them managed to fit in. "What's happenin'? How are you supposed to see what they're doing?" The other man grew tired of his coworkers idiocy. "You know very well that I'm blind and can't see. I'm going to try listening in on their conversation."

Monsoon detached an ear and carefully maneuvered it forward. Once he had it in range he careful set it down where the two men wouldn't notice it. "So what do you think about getting something to eat?" "As long as it doesn't taste like gunpowder it should be fine." "Wait, what-" Suddenly he couldn't hear them anymore. Sundowner looked outside and noticed that it had started to rain. "Whadda we do now?"

"Wind blows, rain falls. It's simply how things are. I'm not so weak as to quit from the threat of a mere storm." He called his ear back. "I'll simply use my electromagnetism to my advantage. Watch and learn." Sundowner nodded. "If you say so." Soon Monsoon had shouted "Lorentz Force" and then there was a change in the air. "What's happening to my body!?" shouted Raiden. "Hey I think it's workin' Monsoon!" The man gave a smug grin. "Of course. Soon I shall orchestrate my utopia of death!"

It seemed the force was perhaps too strong. The next thing they knew, Raiden became stuck to Sam's body. "Did ya mean for this ta happen too er..?" Monsoon took the box, threw it on the ground and started to repeatedly stab it with dystopia. "I didn't know how much you liked me blondie?" Raiden wanted to scream. "I don't, it's this stupid body. Something must be wrong with it. DOKTER!"

Suddenly a holographic image of a German man popped up. "Ah, Raiden, what zeems to be de problem-" He took one look and then blushed. "Oh my, I zeppos I haught you at a bad time yah..." He then promptly ended the transmission. "DAMN IT!" Sam chuckled. "Is it really so bad being this close to me?"

"YES! NOW HELP ME! THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE OVER THERE AND I DON'T WANT THEM TAKING PICTURES!" Sam sighed. "And just when I was starting to have fun. Alright. What do you want me to do?" Raiden then explained that they should be able to change the polarity if Sam turned around. "Hopefully this should fix everything. Now get moving before I die of embarrassment!"

Somehow Sam had managed to turn around but there was a new problem. They were still stuck together and in a even more compromising position. Specifically it looked like Raiden was giving it to Sam from behind. "Heh. Didn't know you were into this?" Raiden doubted his face could get any redder. "ARGH!!!" Sam then had a thought. "You know I won't be mad if you want to test the merchandise. I can assure you, it is of very high quality."

"OH MY GOD WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Raiden was just hoping that something would kill him at this point. "Hey, I know those guys!" Raiden's lone eye went wide open. "YOU WHAT!?" "Yeah, they're my co-workers. Maybe they could help us get unstuck. And perhaps a picture to remember you by?" Jack was close to coming out. "Calm down, I was only kidding." (He wasn't)

"HEEEEEYYYYY, HEEEEEEYYY OVER HERE!" Sundowner scratched his head. "You don't think they're talking to us do you?" Monsoons anger soon washed away once he noticed all the yelling. "I guess we better fix this." They went over and released the two men from the magnetic grip. "Thanks guys. I knew I could count on you. By the way, this is my boyfriend Raiden." Sundowner and Monsoon began to clap. "Congratulations."

Suddenly Raiden was right behind Sam. "And when was I going to be made aware about this?" he said with an icy tone. Sam began to sweat profusely. Next thing he knew, Raiden's eye began to glow red and he took out his blade. "Did I ever introduce you to Jack?" Soon Sam was running away from the mad man known as Jack the ripper.

Sundowner laughed. "All's well that ends well. Speakin' of which, why do I feel like I'm forgetin' somethin"?" Half a second later and Mistral used her whip like Spiderman to hurl herself forward and then flung her foot into Sundowner's crotch. "Mon fucking Dieu! These bitches gay! Good for them!"

#crack fic #mgrr #metal gear rising revengeance #samuraiden #raiden mgr #jetstream sam #samuel rodrigues #sundowner mgr #monsoon mgr #mistral mgr #senator armstrong #mgr

11 notes · View notes

fionajames · 7 months

Text

ocs pt. 2

apologies but i love making characters

GUYS IM SO SORRY FOR BEING ABSENT TODAY, I HAD TO WORK ON AN ASSIGNMENT AND THEN DRIVE AN HOUR TO MY COUSINS' PLACE FOR A BIRTHDAY AND THEN DRIVE AN HOUR BACK PLUS IVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY LITTLE BRO AND SIS

@lovejoysoots u asked to be tagged so here :) also, hope its okay i included xane in taki's info!

GUYS REQUEST.

ALSO, I REALISE KNOW IVE ONLY JUST MENTIONED THIS, BUT IF Y'ALL WANT I CAN WRITE AN 'X READER' WITH MY OC IF U LIKE THEM THAT MUCH BUT YOU. HAVE. TO. TELL. ME.

ANYWAYS, ENJOY, AND SORRY AGAIN

Taki Caileth

Taki is a Nautolan Bounty Hunter with dark violet skin and magenta, lilac and pastel purple. His eyes are purely black (as Nautolan eyes usually are).

He's eighteen in 22 BBY and became a Bounty Hunter when he was merely a kid - because he grew up on Glee Anslem until he was eight and then was hurriedly taken away, growing up on Tatooine and Corellia, as well as all over the galaxy.

He fights best with a sword or a blaster rifle. Taki is decently well-known as a Bounty Hunter under the name of Maverick (not related to Top Gun, it literally means an independent person). Whilst many know Maverick, not many know Taki.

Taki works - as the word maverick means - independently. It's not because he hates people or anything but because of trust issues after his family's death.

During the Clone War, Taki sides with whoever pays - and usually the GAR, because he feels bad for the clones. Not the senate, not the republic, not the Jedi, the clones.

He's smart and calculating yet sarcastic and loyal. His loyalty can be his downfall as he tends to trust easily and so his solution is to not get too close to anyone.

On several occasions, Taki has teamed up with fellow Bounty Hunter Xane. They are a scarily and shockingly good team and share several views over things, although Taki sides with the GAR more, Xane has a disliking towards a certain Jedi named Anakin Skywalker.

Although Taki is moving alot, he has a place on the lower levels of Coruscant which he uses as a base.

During the war, as everyone is desperate for money, Bounty Hunters become very valuable. One Bounty Hunter was doing a job for the Separatists and kidnapped a Jedi Youngling - an eight year old Rodian boy. Desperately, the GAR hired Taki, who went and retrieved the boy. In the process, he lost his left leg from the knee down. In thanks, the Jedi gave him a black-metal prosthetic and paid him about 70% of what he was originally supposed to earn, even though the prosthetic cost about the same price as the original payment. Taki begins to side even more with the GAR because the Separatists captured an innocent child - which he sees as very wrong, as something similar happened to him when he was younger.

Taki doesn’t really have a best friend but he’s closest with Xane and the Rodian Youngling he rescued.

Satsuki Noriko

Satsuki is a Human girl with light freckled skin, short, fluffy (dyed) red hair and black eyes. She’s seventeen in 22 BBY. Her grandmother was a Mandalorian who left Mandalore for reasons she refuses to explain.

Satsuki has a shop on the middle layers of Coruscant where she paints armour and helmets, as well as ships and speeders occasionally. When the clone wars came around, Satsuki decided to increase her work hours - in hopes of getting more customers and more money - so she could allow Clones to come in. Because the Clones aren’t paid, Satsuki doesn’t charge them for any money.

She’s kind and generous, but also sarcastic and stubborn. Her best friend is a Clone trooper named Trinket. Trinket once saved an old, rich woman off-planet who insisted on giving him her expensive jewellery as thanks. Trinket gave all of it to Satsuki as payment for the paints, materials and her time on behalf of all the Clones.

Satsuki is part of a rather large family with one fourteen year old sister, one eight year old half-sister and one six year old half-brother. The family do family dinners weekly and Satsuki gets along best with her sisters and brother and grandmother. Her grandmother is your resident badass grandmother who is incredibly scary and awesome.

Satsuki has and will beat up anyone who talks shit about the Clones and is their number 1 protector. She hangs out with Trinket, Fox, Rex, Cody and Vyper (the unnamed Commander of the 13th Battalion who I’ve named) the most.

Satsuki sees the Clones as her brothers and best friends, and has to be daily convinced not to sneak on board to join the fight.

One time, Satsuki introduced Rex to her grandmother and her grandmother instantly called him bu’ad and he almost cried.

The Clones and her have frequent conversations in pure Mando’a and it’s rather entertaining.

Rin Keiko

Rin is a human girl with long black hair, dark brown eyes and tan skin. She’s 16 in 22 BBY making her one of the youngest Jedi Knights, although not the youngest ever. Rin fought during the Battle of Geonosis alongside her Mirialan Master Aoi Tsumugi. During the fight, Aoi was struck down and Rin was forced to continue fighting for her life, feeling alone even though surrounded by hundreds of other Jedi.

After the battle, Rin managed to convince the Council into Knighting her using her points that one; Aoi was going to Knight her in a few months anyway, two; they’re scarce for Knights and need all they can get, and three; she is ready.

Rin was then Knighted and given a battalion of her own to lead as General. Alongside her Clone Commander Warden, of course.

Rin is what many describe as insane. She is protective to her troops and friends and would rather lay down her life than any of theirs. She’s reckless and smart but overconfident and cocky in a scary way. Her laugh is maniacal and intertwined with trauma, plus her troops are convinced she's either seeing ghosts or hearing voices. That doesn’t mean they don’t love her though! Their General is their sister and they are extremely horrified when they find out months after meeting her that she's still just a kid.

They are terrified for her when they accidentally somehow witness one of her PTSD-induced dreams (something a lot of Jedi get and are extremely dangerous) as she floated midair and objects swirled around her like a hurricane. She - frankly - looked possessed.

Rin starts losing it with the council a lot, laughing inappropriately and insanely and muttering loudly with huge grins. It’s terrifying for a sixteen year old to do that. If Rin wasn’t such a good fighter and General, the GAR would have probably forced her into some sort of insane asylum - or at least gotten her daily therapy.

Rin’s best friend is Warden and their like brother and sister, and all her friends are the Clones and some of the Jedi.

Iniko Edge

Iniko is a fourteen-year-old Pantoran Youngling boy. He has violet blue skin (colour hex code; #4157A2), golden yellow eyes, soft yellow markings on his arms, legs and hands, and curly raven black hair that is actually very dark, deep purple but only really obvious in certain lights.

Iniko has a double-bladed dark purple lightsaber that can be split into two separate lightsabers (like Cal’s). He got both crystals during the Gathering, and panicked because of it.

Iniko was apprenticed to Shaak Ti at the start of the Clone Wars and lives on Kamino. He trains there and has befriended many clones.

Iniko is a kind and quiet boy, but not shy. He loves befriending the Clones but is a bit quiet at first. All the Clones see him like a younger brother. After a few months of training with his Master on Kamino, Iniko is sent to assist other Jedi with missions and use Kamino as his base instead of Coruscant. He is sent as a Commander alongside Captain Rook and a small battalion of Clones. They aren’t really like battalions such as the 212th and 501st because they're a lot smaller and they have never gone on missions just with themselves. They don’t even go on missions as much as others, because thats how they work.

Iniko secretly cries for every Clones’ death and is a sweet Clones’ rights supporter. He befriends lots of other battalions’ clones - such as Cody, Rex, Jesse and others. He is best friends with Captain Rook, Ahsoka - who he teams up with during missions and was actually créchemates with - and several members of his squad - in particular Tripp, Kaz and Tempest.

Iniko also met Rin and sees her as an older sister, although Rook lectures him regularly about not taking after her reckless nature. Rook is extremely protective over him, and it shows through a lot. In fact, the entire squad - and others - are protective over him. But not in an obsessed way. They know that he can handle himself and that's what scares them.

Iniko is a wholesome boy and very similar to Dhole in a few ways because of it, but also different.

Iniko hides his breakdowns and illnesses and injuries and all that from everyone, because he believes he doesn’t matter as much. That’s one of the Temple’s faults. They brought up all the Younglings, Padawans, Knights and Masters to believe that peace was the most important thing, and to get it at all costs. Accidentally, they taught Iniko that he wasn’t worth as much as the battle, and so he remembers that. The Clones are slowly helping him but he’s still fragile.

DONE

HOPE U LIKED

IMMA GO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN

11 notes · View notes

dupliciti · 6 months

Text

ANALYSIS OF SAMPO'S RELATIONSHIP WITH SERVAL.

This won't really be a straight up headcanon type thing, it's more of an analysis, but it's kinda what will always be in the back of my mind regarding Serval and the subsequent interactions Sampo has with the other Landau siblings. This got long and is broken up into parts so I'm throwing it under the cut. I've got a "disclaimer" at the end about how I apply this to interactions with Serval or other Landau family members, which includes my personal little headcanon.

CBT1. To begin, I'll take what the first closed beta gave us as there were certainly a lot of things in place for Sampo's prolonged existence amongst the protagonist. One thing unique to this experience is the fact that Sampo actually stays with the group when they go to the Overworld. Our stop ? Serval, the first person to come to his mind when intel and Overworld are hand in hand topics. She's described as an "old client" of his.

When everyone rolls up to her workshop, Serval is talking to Pela, Sampo and friends out of sight… After Pela leaves, Serval tells Sampo to come out of hiding and says that she "can smell the scent of the Underground all the way from here". Seems slightly bitter or could be teasing, maybe a bit of both. He also does not try to interrupt her or object to anything she says, he just takes it.

The story in CBT1 is very different from what we have in live, but what matters here is that Sampo supplies Serval research ( essentially just intel ) for stuff about her focus in this having to do with Geomarrow in present time and seems to have been doing so for her for a while. Party expresses concern that Serval might sell them out to the Silvermane Guards, Serval says Sampo can vouch for her, because "Serval would never trick people, hehe."

It's possible that when Sampo got to Jarilo, he just vibed with Serval. Then one day after asking about some stuff that leans closer to secrets because either Serval felt close enough with him or thought that he could be of some benefit if she shared, she divulged her research. Since, even in this storyline, Serval's research was put to a stop by Cocolia and Serval was continuing looking into things after this. Another thing to pick out from the wording is that Sampo implies that he still helps Serval out with supplying research/info, but yet she's described as an "old client". It could be poor transliteration in this case, but either way, it doesn't seem likely that Serval decided to tell Sampo, a complete stranger at first, a secret out of the blue. Even if their relationship was just business, during beta testing, character introductions were already being rolled out. So, there is a little bit more context that could potentially be applied to their interactions.

CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS. There's not a whole lot to go off of here, Sampo and Serval do have notes on each other's character introductions, but the biggest thing here is prior to the Astral Express stopping at Jarilo, Sampo seemed to be doing a lot more in the Overworld. So much so that he was trusted enough to fill in for her band at shows. Shows with a price tag attached, because he only did this if he got a share of the sales as payment.

Based on the original text in Chinese, the transliteration may be a bit off. It reads more like Sampo is bragging that he can do anything he puts his mind to. This might better explain why both Serval and Pela respond with "heh" as their notes. Maybe more like.. "Heh… This guy… " or a "yeah right".

IN-GAME CONTENT. A few different things here. First, I'm going to focus on Sampo's reaction to Serval being brought up in story mission. Definitely nowhere as enthusiastic to think about her like in CBT1. In all languages it seems as if he doesn't have a great memory of Serval. Korean voice over goes a little extra with this. You can hear how terrified he is. Shaking in his boots type scared at the thought of Serval. The "shudder" bit really getting played up here. Regardless of what language you played in, bringing up Serval is enough to dampen Sampo's mood more than Gepard being brought up.

Yet, when asked about her separately, he seems to fondly speak about her. This is heard in Korean voice over as well. Sampo can be very dramatic, and it's likely he was playing it up to get out of a conversation, but why even insinuate that he's afraid of her? There's not really anything for him to gain in this situation by doing so.

In this timeline, Sampo had gone to Serval at first for mechnical problems. At least for anything he had issues with in the Overworld. He says for "various reasons" he doesn't visit the workshop much anymore, this can be supplemented with his voice line: "We used to be good pals, but now… Let's just say her brother put in a bad word for me." I think he's using Gepard as a scapegoat in this instance, because it's clear that as a wanted criminal in the Overworld, he can't exactly go around showing his face.

It's also entirely possibly that Sampo began his shady dealings early on and Gepard had a run in or many run ins with Sampo. Gepard warning his sister about how bad Sampo is but Serval not listening; it would make sense as to why Sampo would think of her as a legitimate friend even beyond the services exchanged. Somebody that had his back despite the things he got up to and they were alike in a way, being troubled or whatever nonsense Sampo might've convinced her of.

But I think him blaming Gepard for the reason that they're no longer close, or perhaps no longer, friends also points to him trying to ignore a major mistake he might've made that caused a rift. At least, a temporary rift, because Serval's voice line about Sampo has like a slight tease or bitterness in each delivery on the "hah, sampo/that guy" part. In English, the full delivery makes it sound as if she's somewhat disappointed. Maybe she is holding a grudge for something he did or bringing up Sampo just reminds her of some pain. The voice line in other languages makes it seem as if he's getting what he deserves, not necessarily malicious though. It's possible that Sampo just sees her as someone that can kick his ass because of how unnerving it might've been when she flipped.

There's also the bit where Sampo talks about what he heard happened to Serval and I think half of that is literally just from poking his nose around and getting info on Serval once he came into contact with her. Kind of like scoping out who she is, but it's completely possible that she willingly gave up some info regarding Cocolia and how removed she is from her family. Which means his understanding of who Gepard and Lynx are are limited to a name basis unless he's aware he's running into them (so either he caused trouble or is out on the snow plains). Easier to know who Gepard is merely through accolades and shouting of his name no doubt though. Lynx is someone he might've heard talked about in passing without knowing what she looks like.

OVERALL THOUGHTS. I'm under the impression that he did something to betray her trust or hurt her. Given Sampo's duplicitous nature, it's possible that he just showed his true colors. Though, I headcanon that no matter what Serval might've thought about Sampo, Sampo saw her as a true friend. Real friends aren't something Sampo has, so for him, she's one of the few that have come close to it. And he ruined it.

And that's something I'm always willing to explore or talk about when it comes to plotting with me and my Sampo. I think that his view on her and his past with her has some weight on both Gepard and Lynx and even his existence in the Overworld. My train of thought is not absolute and I can certainly fit any of what I mentioned to work out for the better.

My personal take on it, if I had to settle on something... A lot of small things built up over time. The constant prodding from Gepard and Sampo being a little too annoying or greedy when it concerned things she enjoys. Him teasing too much, even if he didn't mean it, about her shows and music. Asking for too much of a cut if he did happen to fill in. The straw that broke the camel's back was him taking advantage of her kindness, taking advantage of a deal. This is something he is capable of doing even in normal business, but in this instance, he was scalping show tickets behind her back after graciously offering to assist her free of charge.

#thanks if you read all this lmao #i am ... not formatting a lot of this but man #going into the hc tag on a technicality #( ◇ ᵖᵘʳˢᵘⁱⁿᵍ ᵉˡᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ┊ hc; )#( queued; )

9 notes · View notes

spaghettificationandpretzels · 1 year

Note

📢 KINK FEST IS HEEEEEERE!!! 📢

Okay, let's try... Juice Ortiz (shocker 😊)

*Competency kink - him talking about his first paying hacker job before coming to CA. (This kink is SO me irl.)

*Manhandling & Overstimulation

DomJuice is the sexiest Juice. 💦

Masterlist

The Know-how

Contains: Consent and kink negotiation, fluff, Dom Juice/sub Reader, competency kink, manhandling, silk bondage, orgasm denial, overstimulation, hand on neck, oral sex F reviving, fingering, P in V, aftercare.

2.9K words

Comment if you want to be tagged/removed or follow #sp's kinkfest pick and mix

A day at the office turns into a night of sin.

"Hey Juicy."

Juice stood up and wrapped his arms around you, pressing his face into your neck, "hey gorgeous, how was your day?"

You smiled, "same old, same old. How was yours?"

Juice sighed, "I still can't get any info on this guy for Jax and I've been at it for hours."

"You want some help? I know I can't hack but I can keep you company." Juice took your hand and walked you to the computer, pulling up a chair next to his for you to sit down, "what are you stuck on?"

He swallowed, "this guy's offshore bank account has payments in it that I can't find the source of, it's set as a private transfer but the person doesn't exist."

You thought for a moment, "have you searched for the name in old funeral records? Try cemeteries where this person lives or works. It's not uncommon for someone looking to steal an identity to just walk through a graveyard and pick a name. They could have chosen the first name from one and the last name from another. People often also chose fake identities with their same initials too."

Juice clacked away, nodding along as you talked, "where were you the first time I did this?"

You giggled, "I'm not sure, when was the first time you did this?"

Juice smiled, "I'll tell you all about it later, right now just sit there and look pretty while I follow up on the lead you just gave me."

It took a while but a huge smile came over Juice's face and then he was printing something off and standing up in a flash, stopping by to smack a kiss on your forehead, "you are a fucking genius y/n. I love you so much."

He raced off the find the others, leaving you there confused, "what did I do?"

Juice spun on his heel with a smile, "everything, I owe you so hard."

Juice came running in twenty minutes later, just as happy as when he left. "So, did you get anything? You didn't really let me know before you ran off."

Juice nodded aggressivity, "your tip worked, dude was moving his own money around using a fake name. The names were taken from the cemetery in the town he grew up in. I'm almost done here, I've just got a bit left to research. Stay with me and we can go home together?"

"Of course sweetheart, I love watching you work." You wrapped your arms around Juice while he finished his work, Juice turning his head every time he got somewhere to press a kiss to your lips.

"If you're going to kiss me when even you do something I'm going to have to come to work with you every day."

Juice smiled, "I'd love that, I'd get so much done."

With one last key clack, he was done. He stood up and held out his hand, you took it and he helped you up like a real gentleman, brushing his hand over your face as he leaned in to kiss you, "you ready to head home gorgeous?"

You nodded, "yes please."

****

The moment you got home, Juice was dropping down to the floor to help you take your shoes off, a soft smile on his face as you thanked him sweetly, "there's more where that came from, I'm going to run you a bath while you have a quick shower then I'm going to do your hair, how does that sound?"

You smiled, "that sounds great, is something going to happen after my hair is done?"

Juice grinned, "well y/n, that depends on you." He held out his hand and you linked your fingers in his while he walked you to the bathroom, pausing just before you reached the door to slowly undress you. He took his time, grazing his fingers over your skin as it was revealed to his eyes, his gaze hot.

"You like what you see?"

Juice smirked, "you know I do." He came behind, wrapped his arms around your body, pressing his lips to your neck before directing you to wait while he ran the bath, once the tub was full, he walked over to run and shower then stood by and watched while you washed the day off.

"You are such a perv."

He chuckled, "you say that now but you have no idea what else I have planned."

You climbed out of the shower and Juice helped you into the bath before moving to sit at your head and start your hair. He spread conditioner on his palms before slicking your stands and beginning to comb it out, stopping every now and then to scratch your scalp. "That feels so nice, I am one lucky woman."

Juice chuckled, "yeah, what makes you say that?" You smiled, his fingers rubbing the ache out of your shoulder while the conditioner sat in your curls.

"You have really strong hands, you're very handsome and you look after me so well."

Juice's hand moved to your upper chest, his fingers lingering just below the water. "The first thing you mention is my hands, you know how to make a guy feel good."

You sighed, "you were going to tell me the first time you hacked."

Juice leaned down and kissed your temple, "alright, you sit back and relax and I'll do that while I finish your hair." You relaxed against his hands, Juice's voice filling the room, "I was hired by a woman to catch her cheating husband, I had only really hacked game servers before this point so it was pretty lost at first but she managed to get me his email password and I went from there. He used the same password for every website so it was basically no work to get all his info, until it came to this one message board."

You nodded, "what happened next?"

Juice's hands moved down to rub your arms, "I couldn't get into his account so I hacked the whole website, I found a bug in the code that let me get in by setting up and fake account then putting malware in a photo I uploaded. After that it was easy, all I had to do was search for his account and I had everything." Juice was so sure and confident, his hands becoming more insistent as time went.

"Was he cheating?"

Juice nodded, "oh yeah, with a lot of women, she left him and took most of his shit in the divorce, I was also able to prove that she was the main reason his business was going so well, I didn't charge her for that."

You smiled, "you're a good man Jaun."

He leaned over you and pressed an upside down kiss to your lips, taking in your blown pupils and rising chest, "I wash your hair all the time and you're never this turned on, what's doing it for you pretty girl?"

"I like hearing you talk, especially about what you enjoy. It's a bonus that you're so good at computers, you sound so smart when you talk about all the little things you do to get the job done."

Juice was washing the conditioner out in a flash, "let's finish up here, I'm not done thank you for all your help today."

Once out of the bath, he dried you and your hair, redressed you, and then styled your hair before walking you into the kitchen, "I'm going to put dinner on, you sit there and relax."

You looked at him through your lashes, "I don't want dinner, I want you."

Juice smiled, "tough, with what I've got planned, you're going to need a full stomach."

****

Juice took his time putting dinner together, making sure it was perfect for you before putting it on the table and sitting down next to you with his legs pressed against yours, "what's the hardest hack you've ever done?"

Juice smirked, "the FBI database."

You raised your eyebrows, "the FBI database wow, how did that turn out?"

"Well none of us are in prison." Juice took in the expression on your face with lust in his eyes, "what would you like to do tonight?"

You smiled, finishing your food just as Juice asked, "whatever you want, I'm not picky."

Juice finished his own plate and took yours from the table, "alright then, head off to the bedroom and wait on the bed, I'll be there soon."

You waited on the bed in your PJs for Juice to come in, he was different when the door opened, gone was sweet, gentle Juice and in front of you was a man who knew what he wanted and how he was going to get it. He pecked you before going to the side of the bed and pulling out the chest, your eyes going wide as he pulled out the soft silk ties and placed them on the bed.

"You sure you want this?"

You nodded, "of course, don't you?"

Juice swallowed, "remind me of what you're going to say if you want to stop."

You reached out and Juice took your hand, "the usual, no, stop, that hurts." Juice smiled and picked up one of the lengths of silk, going to wrap it around your wrist. You giggled and yanked your hand away, Juice moving to stop you.

"What do you think you're doing?"

You smiled, "making you work for it." You stood up in a shot and tried to get away, Juice grabbing you before you could even get away from the bed. He threw you on the mattress and climbed on top of you, straddling you so you'd stop trying to get away while ripping your clothes from your body. You did your best to struggle from his grasp but it was no use, he was so much stronger than you.

Once you were naked, he used one hand to grab the silk while the other held your wrists. It took seconds before he had your hands tied, two lengths of fabric left, "hands above your head, now." You thought about disobeying but Juice spoke again, "you're already going to be lucky to cum tonight, don't test me."

You lifted your hands up above your head, resting your arms on the pillow. Juice tied your hands down first, making sure you were comfortable before moving down to your legs, he ran his hand up and down your flesh before slipping the silk over your ankles and tying you to the foot of the bed with your legs spread wide.

Once you were spread eagle and unable to move, Juice lost his clothes then kissed one ankle, stopping once he reached the apex of your thigh then kissing down the other leg, alternating legs on the way back up. He smiled when his eyes met your core, reaching a hand out to run a finger up and down your slit, "you're very wet for me, you wanna tell me why?"

You moaned as Juice's index finger found your clit, "I've been like this since the bath, hearing you talk about your passions is very hot."

Juice's middle finger joined his index on your centre, rubbing you gently while you tried to get yourself under control. He hovered over you, pressing kisses to your skin as he slid two of the sure fingers inside you while his thumb found your clit. "Don't cum little girl, you'll regret it if you do."

You nodded, "yes Juice."

He smiled, "good girl. Are you feeling good?"

You gasped as his fingertips met your G-spot, "I'll take that as a yes." He rested on his elbow and his lips pressed to yours, kissing you softly while he built you up. It didn't take long despite the slow touch because you felt the telltale heat spreading through your body. Juice knew too because he was stopping before you could fall over the edge.

You fought the urge to pull, knowing Juice would just extend your torture, "good girl, if you keep this up the night will go just how you want it to." You relaxed against the pillows as Juice started again and you could feel the callouses on his fingers as they stroked you. It didn't take long for you to be close again, and Juice stopped for the second time.

He kissed your lips one last time before beginning a journey down your body, stopping like run his tongue around both nipples, one after the other as his fingers picked up the pace. As he felt you start to quiver, he stopped the fingers on your core but wrapped his lips around your nipple and sucked it into his mouth, grazing it with his teeth.

The change in sensation had your body confused, you opened your eyes and blinked at him, Juice lifting his head to smile, "you're doing so well for me little girl." You whimpered as his fingers started moving again, Juice resuming his journey down your body.

When he reached your core, his thumb left your clit and his tongue took its place, almost immediately after he made contact he stopped, mindful that the warmth of his mouth had you dangling on the edge. Your breath caught in your throat as he finally sealed his lips around your clit. You pulled on the silk and Juice chuckled, the vibrations making the situation even worse.

The lost count of how many times Juice built you up, stopping just right before you reached the peak each time. Your brain was getting fuzzy, and as much as you wanted to be good for him, it was getting hard to make sense of anything. But Juice seemed to know, adding a third finger and when you got to the edge this time, he didn't stop.

You did your best to hold back, Juice hadn't given you permission yet and you didn't want to disobey him. He must have realised what was happening because he lifted he head and waited for you to be there enough to hear him, "I've got you pretty girl, you can let go." The second he was done, you were aching off the bed and cumming around his fingers, Juice groaning as you squeezed him with all your might.

He didn't stop, rather he sped up just enough that the extra sensation pushed you over the edge again. You flinched away from him but he didn't stop, one hand looping over your leg to stop you from shaking violently. "Juice, I can't."

He chuckled, "yes you can, just one more, can you do that for me?"

You gasped, "I don't know."

Juice paused for a moment and waited for you to regain your breath, "alright, do you want something different?" You swallowed and went to grab him, only to be stopped by the fabric tying you to the bed, Juice was next to you in a flash, placing his hands around your face to look into your eyes, "tell me what you need little girl."

You took in a sharp breath, "I need you inside me."

Juice smiled, his lips falling on your cheek, "you've been so good for me and that's what you're asking for, of course I can do that." He grabbed his cock and ran it up and down your slit before sliding inside you, grunting as you enveloped him in warmth. "Fuck, how are you so tight."

He sounded pained, "I thought that was a good thing?"

Juice took a deep breath, "oh honey, of course it is, I just don't want to take the hit to my self confidence."

You giggled and Juice put his hand over your mouth, "your laugh isn't helping, you know how much I love that sound." He rolled his hips, the hand on your mouth coming to wrap around your neck, it was hard and hot and you knew the strength behind it and yet you felt no fear.

"Oh my God." You heaved in a breath as you felt yourself get close again, Juice angled his hips to grind hard against you, the hand on your neck keeping you from floating off into space. "You can do it, you know how good it will feel." You were powerless to deny him, you were vaguely aware that he was coating your insides but your brain was elsewhere.

He shifted his hips and slid out of you but didn't move off your body, resting his weight on you while he went to untie your hands. He brought your wrists to his mouth, kissing away to nonexistent bruises, the silk too soft to do any damage.

"Can I untie your legs now or do you need me to hold you for a bit longer?"

You sighed, "whatever you think is best." Juice returned you smile softly, "alright, I'll do your legs then clean you up, can you drink some water for me while I do that?" He pointed over to the table and you picked up the glass, gulping down the cooling liquid gratefully.

Once your legs were untied, Juice gave them the same treatment, pressing gentle kisses to the skin. "I'll be back in two seconds, I'm just going to get something to clean you up." He made sure to make small talk in the few moments that you couldn't see him then he was back with a warm damp cloth in hand.

You flinched when he went to clean you, Juice chuckling softly, "sorry gorgeous." He threw the cloth away and climbed into bed, pulling you into his arms, "you doing good?"

You nodded, "yes, I'm going great, are you?"

You grinned, "hell yeah I'm doing great, you need anything else from me?" You shook your head, "no, just hold me?"

"Of course, I love you y/n."

You pressed your lips to his bare chest, "I love you too."

Fin

#juice ortiz #soa imagine #juice ortiz fanfic #fluff #sons of anarchy imagine #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy fluff #soa #samcro #juice Ortiz fluff #juice ortiz x reader #juice ortiz imagine #theo rossi #juice ortiz x you #sp's kinkfest pick and mix

56 notes · View notes

the-moon-pal · 7 months

Note

Hi! I was thinking of opening comissions and i was wondering if you knew of any payment services that dont require your legal name be on the account or public? As a trans guy who hasnt gotten his name changed its kinda scary

Actually that's why i decided to use Kofi!!!

Originally i was thinking of using paypal for invoices n all that, but i discovered that if i do that in the type of account i use- it gave the one's getting em my name and other info i didn't feel comfortable sharing

So instead i decided to use Kofi, u choose however u wish to be addressed there and also it is pretty easy to set up, it can be connected to your paypal account but it wont share any info with the person commissioning you, is just where ur money is sent :]

I hope this helps somewhat- I'm not the most known in ways to take commissions, so maybe look into the website and see if it is what you're looking for :] i wish you luck!

#ask #anonymous

8 notes · View notes

meadowmines · 7 months

Text

OC-Tober/Tojoctober Day 23: Alley

[In which Yamaoka tries to buy some info, fucks around, and finds out. also I wish y'all could see my mental storyboard of the first part of this scene because it's peak canon-typical homoerotic violence]

"Ngh--!"

"One would think," Kuroshi begins, "that Patriarch Nishikiyama's prized hitman would have a little more common sense. You've brought me payment. I'm prepared to give you your money's worth. But if you would prefer to do business the hard way, I should warn you..." He wrenches Yamaoka's wrist up a little higher behind his back, presses his face a little tighter against the rough brick wall. "The next one will hurt."

He says, as if this one didn't.

"Fuck," Yamaoka wheezes. "Okay. Okay. Get off me."

"Your sidearms first. Both of them, if you please."

"How about this." Yamaoka makes no move to disarm himself. "I drop my guns, you drop your knife, and--" However he'd planned to finish that sentence, it's lost in a bitten-off yelp as Kuroshi twists that captured arm just so.

"You are in no position to haggle with me," Kuroshi snarls, right into Yamaoka's ear. "Drop your weapons, or see what happens if you don't. The choice is yours."

"All right. All right! Goddamn! You got a hand free, take the damn things."

"There." Kuroshi relieves the hitman of his weapons and kicks them deeper into the alley, safely out of reach. That done, he lets Yamaoka go and steps back, dagger in hand. Just in case, of course. "I'll return them to you once we're done here. Now, let's try this once more, and I'd appreciate some civility this time. But first, indulge me. Why would a Tojo man come to Kansai for information I'd wager could just as easily be sourced locally?"

"You namedropped my boss so I know you know a little something about him." Yamaoka spits blood on the filthy concrete and snorts out a humorless laugh. "If he found out I went to the Florist behind his back, I'd be good as dead. And I've done my homework on you, Kuroshi. You might have passed your territory on to the Florist in '89, but smart money says there's still plenty of overlap in your networks."

"Hm." Just the faintest hint of a smile tugs at the corner of Kuroshi's mouth. "I dare say you have the makings of a fine info broker yourself, Yamaoka-san." He shrugs widely. "It is as you say. I prefer not to step on the Florist's toes, but I do keep an ear out for interesting news from Tokyo. As I'm sure he does for Kansai. Let's cut to the chase, shall we? What exactly is it you want to know?"

Yamaoka doesn't answer, not right away. He reaches for an inside jacket pocket, notes Kuroshi's grip on his dagger tightening, and makes the biggest possible show of slowly fishing a somewhat battered pack of cigarettes out and lighting one up. "There's a job I did a while back," he says as he tucks the pack away. He takes a long drag off his cigarette, frowning as he does. "About three years ago. Target was a Majima Family man. Guy by the name of Aoyagi." He looks Kuroshi in the eye, like he's looking for some kind of reaction. Whatever it is he's looking for, he doesn't seem to find it. "I'm no rookie, Kuroshi. I've never lost sleep over putting a man down. But this one never quite sat right with me."

"Were you and this Aoyagi fellow friends?" Kuroshi asks him, and he laughs.

"Anything fucking but." The answer comes far too quickly. "....we had something in common. Let's just say there aren't a whole lot of yakuza like us running around and leave it at that, but... yeah, knowing there's one less of us in the world... not gonna lie, that doesn't exactly give me the warm fuzzies."

"Very well. Who called the hit, then?"

Another long drag. "Majima himself."

Kuroshi's brow furrows. "You're sure."

"He paid me half up front. In person. Doesn't get much more 'sure' than that." Yamaoka flicks ash onto the ground. "Told me Aoyagi would show up at this one warehouse at this certain time and he'd be alone."

"I don't suppose he gave a reason."

"If they don't say, I don't ask. None of my business as long as I'm getting paid."

"Of course. Go on."

"Well. I was out walking around, killing some time before that, and who should I see waving a cab down but my meal ticket for the night. I figured... sooner he was dead, sooner I'd get the other half of my money." Yamaoka exhales a long plume of smoke and leans back against the wall. "Little shit got away. Busted my lip, made a run for it. I couldn't get a clear shot and next thing I know, he's in a cab and gone. I figured he was heading for that warehouse so I grabbed the next cab in line."

"I see." Kuroshi nods sagely. "And that's where you killed him."

"Yeah, see, this is where shit goes off the rails," Yamaoka says. "I didn't kill Aoyagi." He drops the butt of his cigarette onto the damp concrete and grinds it out under his heel. "Someone else beat me to it."

#oc-tober #tojoctober #yakuza #yakuza oc #aoyagi saga

3 notes · View notes

raven-writes-fanfic · 1 year

Text

Notes from The Tale of Prince Steven of Avalon

OKAY so I decided that instead of going back and editing this fic's notes and risking nobody seeing the relevant info that I desperately want to share, I'd stick it here! (I'm calling it the Ficcyclopedia™.) SO! If you have any interest at all in the inner workings of my brain in regards to this fic, it's all below the cut. 💜

In the first chapter, these are the relevant tidbits, neatly sorted because my OCD said to.

Places:

The original fairy tale takes place in Ireland, and I kept that the same, save for the name of the kingdom. Avalon is a play on the land Tír na nÓg, which is the mystical "otherworld" in Irish mythology. Avalon is just another name for "paradise" or afterlife, basically. I wanted something pronounceable, so this happened. It also is really fitting with Steve's character (both in this story and in MCU canon), in my opinion.

I basically decided to run with the whole "Bucky is probably Jewish" Fanon thing, and decided his mother was possibly (in my head most likely) from Poland. Thus, a lot of locations and names and things stemmed from Polish culture and mythology. So, bouncing off of the whole "Avalon-is-based-on-Irish-afterlife" thing, I named Bucky's homeland Verais (Vehr-eye) as the phonological equivalent of Wyraj, which is the afterlife in Polish mythology. And yes, it is spelled a little prettier than just phonetics, because I said so.

In conjunction with the Verais thing, I named the people there the Lechian people, which is for Lechia, an ancient name for Poland.

"The Land of Ice" is a pretty obvious (to me) way of saying Russia.

Gidra is Russian for Hydra. Do with that what you will. ;)

Names/Creatures:

The name Drew means "from druids" which is a play on the fact that in the original story of Conn-Eda, the prince's stepmother was the daughter of a druid. I wanted to include that little thing, even if it wasn't exactly the same.

His last name, Balcombe, means "person who casts an evil eye." It's also a surname that's common to the Isle of Man, which is the place I based Drew's homeland off of.

In the original fairy tale, the supernatural hound is called Samer. Samer means lots of different things in many languages, but my favorite was the Sanskrit for "air" or "wind." I turned it kind of Polish and gave the hound the name Zenon, which is derived from the Greek god Zeus. And Zeus, as we know, is the god of the skies or whatever. ;P This one is a bit more convoluted, but I think it still works.

Even though "Alkonost" seems like a made-up word, IT'S NOT!!! It's the English pronunciation of Алконост. The Alkonost is a woman-headed bird in Russian mythology. And the creature that Conn-Eda goes to see in the original fairy tale is a bird with the face of a human. This one took me ages to find, but I did it for you guys. :D (JK I really did it for me, but y'all benefit, so.) (Also, in chapter two, I made the Alkonost a man. I know it's not perfectly in line with the mythology, but it's really important to me that it be a guy, okay? You'll see why.)

Almaz is the English pronunciation of алмаз, which means "diamond." I wanted the stone Alexander gives Steve to be something precious, but also Russian, because reasons.

Movyatzekon is a semi-made-up word for talking horse, strung together from the words "talking" and "horse" in Polish.

In a related vein, the horse breed that I imagine Bucky is is called a Gypsy Vanner. I picked it because it has famously shaggy hair (and so does Bucky at certain points in Marvel canon!!). The very specific horse I envision for Bucky is in the moodboard above.

Misc. Stuff:

Mulct is an actual word!! It means "a fine, or compulsory payment." Basically, it's the punishment Steve gets for losing the challenge his stepfather gives him.

Variola is an ancient name for smallpox. I chose this as the disease Steve's dad dies from in the fairy tale because, canonically, he dies from mustard gas exposure. Mustard gas exposure can cause skin lesions that can mimic the look of smallpox.

And chapter two stuff, which is literally only places:

Steve and Bucky pass through a kingdom called Albion, which is a very ancient name for England (going back as far as 5th century B.C.E.). Guess where on the map I imagine it is? Yes, you're right. It's England. ;D

They also pass through a land called Veneti, which is named for an ancient west-Slavic tribe called Veneti. It's meant to be where Belarus is, roughly.

Chapter three stuff, which is one measly thing:

(in reference to the chapter title) Travail: painful or laborious effort

If you want to talk about where certain MCU characters come into play, you can always scream at me in whatever way you want! I am probably disproportionately excited about how I've managed to work in so many MCU characters in general, so it's a whole thing in my brain now.

And if you read all the way to the bottom of this long-ass post, thank you and I love you. I mean, I'll love y'all regardless of whether you read the post, but yeah. ✌🏻

#Raven rambles #The Tale of Prince Steven of Avalon #as seen on ao3 #you can click the moodboard to get to the story if you wanna #I feel like I am so fucking awkward for posting this ngl #but I'm doing it anyway #Stucky fic #my writing #fan fiction #I'll just go before I start rambling in the tags too

2 notes · View notes

bg3-aita · 15 days

Note

AITA for asking my companion to strip down in public?

Hear me out first okay this was totally necessary!

You're all adventurers, right? Or maybe you know some adventurers. You know what it's like to get strapped for cash in the middle of nowhere, scrapping the bottoms of your packs for a few loose coppers that might get you enough to pay for that big shiny sword you want. Right?

Well. That's where I (22m, human) ended up when trying to trade with that tiefling guy at the grove. His prices are fair but when you're fresh off a nautiloid crash, your pockets aren't exactly flush with coin, y'know? Anyway, the tiefling blacksmith had a pretty good set of armor I needed, but I was short on cash. But then I got a brilliant idea.

I'd just met this guy (24m, human), let's call him...Wiatt. With an I not a Y. We're about the same size, so I thought, what if I sold HIS armor, and gave him MY armor, so that when I bought the NEW armor, then we both have new armor? Genius, right?

But when I asked him to strip down and hand his armor over to the blacksmith, he looked at me like I had just asked him to hand over his other eye as payment (he only has one, the other one is a rock or something). I told him he could just put on my armor next, so then we'd both be stripping, but he didn't like that much either. It took a bit of persuasion but I finally got him to strip down to his smalls and handed his old fit over to the blacksmith as part of a trade for new armor.

One of my other companions said I was being an asshole to Wiatt. Maybe I could have waited, but those tieflings kept saying they were going to pack up and leave and I didn't want to miss out on a good deal. Looking back, though, maybe my companion was right. Was I the asshole to Wiatt?

What are these acronyms?

Click here to submit a post or read our FAQ page!

#bg3 #bg3 aita #unreality #fandom aita

0 notes

dzpenumbra · 11 months

Text

6/28/23

I don't even know where to start with today. I surprisingly slept decently. I don't know if I dreamt, but I slept at least 6 hours. I got up and immediately started setting up a business account on Stripe.

I was browsing an art subreddit trying to figure out how to like... process payments as a freelance business. I honest have only done a handful over the years, because my pushover ass just gave away thousands of dollars worth of art for free. The few that I did for money, I used PayPal. But that was... almost 10 years ago, and I was reading that it's not the best for this kinda stuff.

I got super overwhelmed just trying to read stuff about business. It's like nails on a chalkboard for me, I swear. I think it's an emotional wall thing, like a trauma thing. I don't know. I just get super overwhelmed and have a really hard time focusing, and have to re-read things like 10 times and I just get super frustrated. But I got through it. It took like 2 hours, but I decided to put my PayPal account aside for now, keep that personal... and set up a business Stripe account, dedicated to my art stuff. And it's done, it's set up. I started going through the process of sending an invoice, it was surprisingly pretty simple, and really customizable, and looked really snazzy once I put a color scheme and logo in there.

I did yoga, which was very relaxing. Very low-key, very chill, and very positive. I'm very glad I chose that video today. I watched a video before it about orange cats (my cat was orange) and it made me really miss having pets, and I got a really strong sudden urge to go out and adopt two older cats. A few things stopped me. 1). I have a plant in the house that is toxic to animals, the Night-Blooming Jasmine, and I really don't want to worry about it. 2). I don't want to worry about coming home to a destroyed house if I ever decide to go out. 3). I don't have a vehicle or a ride, so if there is a vet emergency, I'm really fucked. 4). I'm just not really there yet, emotionally. But yeah, it was nice to just reflect fondly on my time with my cat. And chill yoga after was a nice transition. Then a pretty gentle workout. It was a pretty good start to the day.

I was nice and calm, I had the security of having payment processing ready and available, taxes should be processed through it too. The exercise was pretty calming too, so I was really in a pretty good place. Then I messaged the guy who commissioned a tattoo design. I reached out to get info from him - what medium he wanted (either hand-drawn or digital), to get his email for the invoice, and to let him know I planned on charging half upfront, half when I finished. That's how I always planned to. I sent him that on Instagram, which he said was his preferred contact point, and started drafting something.

I "drafted"... for 3 hours. I had a pretty good idea of what he wanted, he gave me a reference photo and said he wanted a specific pose - the owl swooping to the side with its claws out, hunting - but with the head turned so it was facing the viewer. I got the foundation started, and it started to take form and it was really looking good. It's really hard to do believable realism that is altered from reference pictures. At least for me. My way of doing realism has been just basically... replicating what I'm looking at. Like... do I have an example on hand? ...

There, that's a portrait I drew --- well, duh... --- but I just... pulled up a reference picture and pulled it up on my laptop and had my piece of... I think this was on Bristol paper, and just started drawing. And there it is. And it's not an exact copy, of course. But that's just... how I've always drawn a lot of my work. So... say you wanted to do this piece... but... without a beard. Right? That... honestly wouldn't be too hard, but it would take some really educated guesses. Or other reference pictures showing what his jaw structure looks like, what kind of chin he has, whether he has jowls (I doubt it, but you never know), whether he has a pronounced philtrum or not, etc. Again, you can kinda eyeball this and get an idea, but... you'd have to be psychic to get it 100% accurate. You're literally working without information.

Now... imagine drawing this portrait... but with the head rotated 1/4 to the right so his face is looking over your right shoulder... with no reference material on other angles. It's doable, and the more I think about it the more I want to challenge myself to try it sometime... I'm actually getting really excited about that, now that I think about it. But like... yeah, you need to have a pretty comprehensive understanding of anatomy and lighting to be able to do that accurately, believably. And, again, you're working with information that is not provided, so you have to fill in blanks. How wide is his ear? How long is his skull? What shape is it? Is it more oblong or round? How far does his nose extend off his face... Is the tip of the nose pointed, rounded or flat? How sunken in are the eyes? How much do the jaw or lips protrude? Is there over or underbite? How pronounced is the brow? A lot of the depth information you can kinda... deduce from the darkness of the shadows, but some features can get a little hard to predict. And sometimes even tiny little differences can make the face look completely different.

This is really advanced shit, and not stuff I have spent too much time on. Again, I have spent most of my time doing either... weird surreal stuff from my imagination, abstract work, cartoonish stylized stuff or or realism direct from reference. And this dude didn't have a reference. Well... he kinda did, but he wanted the head turned 90 degrees.

So I pulled up Krita and did three separate sketches. I got one really close to where I wanted it, just drawing the bird he liked the pose of. Then I went and turned the head to look at the viewer. And, in the sketch, it looked... well, it looked believable. It looked organic. I don't think it would ever happen, so it didn't entirely look natural to me. I mean, you'd have to really surprise an owl to get its attention mid-swoop as it's calculatingly slowing its descent towards its dinner. But here's where I got with it. When you turn your head to the right and look over your right shoulder... do it now so you can sorta feel what I'm talking about. Pay attention to your left shoulder. It takes some pretty strong deliberate effort to not move your left shoulder when you do that. Now... owls are notorious for their ability to independently rotate their necks, I get that. But I don't really know enough about bird anatomy to understand what's going on under the feathers there. So... that's the problem I started to run into.

First - it felt like the left wing would move with that head movement, because it wasn't so much of a swivel of the head, it was more of a lean, like craning the neck, kinda. And the movement of the left wing would change... pretty much everything. I would have to figure out the angle of descent, where the wing bones were hiding behind the torso, where the shoulder socket is, find those new locations and change the entire wing rotation to match the right wing's angle. That's like... pretty basic aerodynamics, like... what happens when you go to fly a kite, but one side isn't perfectly flat, it's kinda bent back a little... Yep, it just goes spiraling. And most people don't notice this kinda stuff in art specifically... but I think a lot of people can sorta feel something a little uncanny about it when its off. Like... they can tell it's a drawing. On the flip side, when those details are accurate, the "wow factor" is much more significant.

I struggled with this for about an hour. Adjusting the wing angle, tweaking, all that. In hindsight... I probably shouldn't have started working on the piece at all, even a sketch, without payment first. But yeah, I got on a roll so I went with it. And eventually I found a comfy place to settle the wing. And that was actually a bit easier than the next part. So... rotate your head to the right again. This time, pay attention to what happens to the skin on the right side of your neck. It kinda bunches up, kinda creases. Here's the fun thing with fur and feathers... you don't technically have to know what's going on with the skin under the fur/feathers, but again, it helps with believability... But either way, when the head rotates, it's at very least going to smoosh up feathers and create some dark shadow creases. So I had to figure out where those creases would form when bunching up against the shoulder, and figure out how this ripple would alter the feather patterns. And I got that pretty decent.

Then I started to just... add in "color". Translating the color to black and white and blocking the color by area, with intention of adding detail later.

Given how much I got done in such a short time, I was worried I kinda overcharged the guy. I went off how much work I did on the last owl - a realistic Barred Owl... the one in my profile picture. It took over 40 hours total, it was a full page so... I think 11"x14"? A bit smaller than that to add a margin in. Full color, lots of detail, that size... This guy wanted an owl with less detail, black and white, and 5"x7". So... I estimated that would take about 15 hours. I think it was a fair estimate. But I'm not sure how much of that time was spent blending colors, you know? I don't know. I was a little worried I overquoted considering how much I got done in such a short time digitally today.

Welp, he messaged me back at 11PM. Right when I was getting ready to make some dinner and fire up my stream. He backed out of the commission. He said his tattooist offered to draw and tattoo the whole thing for what would end up being... about $200 less for him than having me draw it and her ink it. Again... I probably shouldn't have started without getting paid first. I know. But honestly, it was good practice. And I enjoyed it. And I tried to be really supportive of him and tell him I understand and tattoos are a super important decision and I'm glad to have been part of the progress, even if it was just a creative spark that helped him find what he wanted on his body permanently. And I do mean that. Even though it fucks me over, even though I could really use some idea of what to do with my life. Even though this gave me some purpose and direction... I do mean it. I don't want to fuck someone over just to get money. But I can't allow myself to bring that price down to fractions, that's just... naw. Like... I would have to do like $100 to meet what the tattooist was proposing and stay in the game, and I had already done like... $75 worth of work on this? So yeah... I don't think it was gonna happen.

Again, I just really wish I had some coaching, or at least a second pair of eyes on this shit. I almost called my mom even, I'm really glad I didn't. It ran through my head while making dinner to maybe call my old advisor at some point, the then head of the Art department at my old college. I think she still works there. But like... I haven't talked to her in... since 2010? Good lord. Oh wow. Time fucking flies. And... I don't know if she really liked me... I was always a very free spirit and I made a lot of weird shit. I don't think she really... got what I was doing with a lot of my stuff. Hell, I'm not sure I even get what I was doing back then either. I was all over the place. But hey, some things never change, yeah? XD

I just feel... I feel like I need a mentor. And I get stuck in this shitty place where I'm like... Okay, half of me is going "just swallow your pride and pretend you're in college getting on stage to do a gig... and just go to a tattoo shop and check out their art and talk shop and see if they need any help working the counter or something." That said... I'm going to be 37 in a few months, I don't have any on-paper work history since... probably 2015? I have pretty debilitating mental health shit I'm battling on a regular basis, I'm writing this at 5:30 AM so I'm fully nocturnal, I have no references. Not even friends or family as references. I mean, what I do have going for me? I don't have a criminal record, I am a hard worker, a very fast learner, I go above and beyond and I have an extensive art history, and tattooing experience. But here's an even bigger catch than the life stuff I mentioned above... I'm not even sure I want to be a tattooist. I've entertained the idea just so I can... be around creative people, and get paid. Like... I might be the only actual artist with an art degree and 15 years of experience who legit only wants to work the counter. I'm not sure I could really take the permanence and pressure of inking skin anymore. And my hand is much shakier than it used to be.

But lets be honest here. I'm coming from almost 3.5 years of extreme isolation. I haven't seen a human face in... 2 days? And that was quickly passing people in the hallway. I leave my apartment maybe once a week. And I'm going to be... working a counter at a tattoo shop, around people all day every day? Do we see this going well?

I don't know. I'm just really overwhelmed, and balls-deep in impostor syndrome. And I've been having a pretty constant existential crisis for the past 24 hours. I'm just kinda biding time until therapy. Which... get this... is going to be my last therapy session for a month. Then it's total isolation. And I don't have a plan. So... I don't know, man. I just don't know what to do. I really don't.

The worst part? I got really inspired. XD I got a really cool idea. I've had this idea for a long time now of... making an animated piece that's similar to my abstract bubble-like designs, but simulating mitosis. I think I've described it here before. And I'd still like to play around with that sometime, maybe. I spun off of this with the thought... "if I want to be like... a gallery artist... like a fine artist... if that's my thing... then what would I submit to a gallery?" And I definitely have a theme going of this abstract organic stuff. I have the necklace and the mala, I have the skull, I have the digital piece I'm working on... I even have the Be Here Now sign, but that's more for me... but the big thing that caught me was the series I was doing of ink drawings. That could easily be a series in a gallery. BUT... (there's always a but, isn't there...) they are all very deliberately drawn with the holes in the paper in mind, meaning... they are intended to be kept in the sketchbook they are in, and viewed as a series that is flipped through. And that's just not gonna fly in a gallery. I can't have strangers flipping through my sketchbook with their sweaty oily sausage fingers. It's just not gonna happen. So... I don't know, I could crop them. It's possible. But the second part to that thought was... they were intended to be viewed as a series and the series is supposed to be the entire sketchbook. I did 10 drawings, they took about 2 days average apiece. The sketchbook is over 45 pages long. It's doable, but it's gonna take time. The third part of the thought was... ooo, I could combine the mitosis idea with this "flipbook" series idea... and just do this pattern as one big bubble... then 2 on the next page... then 4... then 8... I just.. I don't know if that's too... boring. I feel like the transformation and movement of it is really the most engaging part. Not just seeing the effect of growth, but seeing the growth itself.

But yeah, that's kinda where I'm at right now. Kinda floundering and not sure what to do with myself. Very deep in impostor syndrome. Feeling like a complete waste of space that just sits around and makes crappy art that no one cares about, that has no rhyme or reason. On the flip side, though... I have an established business account and a way to process direct payments for anything now... art lessons, music lessons, tarot readings, jewelry. If I want to do the farmer's market shit, I can just order a card reader, they're like... $60 I think?

So... at the end of the night, I decided to work on some beads. At very least I have that.

I'm gonna chill on this work talk because it's really fucking with the existential dread shit. And I've been going for hours now. Tarot and then bed.

Past - Ten of Swords, inverted (The death of a way of thinking, or a state of mind. An ending that has been forced upon you causing mental anguish; illness, betrayal. ) Present - Knight of Wands, inverted (Creative potential, vivacious, not afraid of a challenge, he is naturally disarming and uses it to his advantage. Passionate, complete dedication to anything enrapturing. When in extreme, he can be a daredevil; reckless and potentially dangerous.) Future - Page of Cups (Pure emotion. Innocence, wearing one’s heart on their sleeve. Channeling one’s inner child.)

It's baaaack. This one starts with inverted Ten of Swords. This being... the death of a way of thinking. A mindset, paradigm or world view. And the inversion here kinda feels like... stuck.

This is connected to inverted Knight of Wands. I'm still shaky on my face cards, but Knight of Wands is the bearer of the flame. The beginning of the creative fire. He's energetic and creative and enthusiastic. Inverted here I would read as either... difficulty connecting with this rogue-like personality... or being stuck in some of the more unsavory aspects when that personality is out of balance. Like being a daredevil or taking unnecessary risks. (I dunno about that one... XD)

The conclusion is Page of Cups. Page of Cups is the young, eager, brave, childlike navigator. He guides the ship through stormy seas by following the guidance of his heart.

Hey, I just did a reading without even opening my reference doc. How cool is that? :) Time to fill in definitions and connect some dots here.

Alright, Ten of Swords I did recently. In this chain of events, I guess... honestly, I'm not sure. I want to say clinging to a way of thinking that... is past its prime, that has elapsed. That I should be moving on and I'm just sorta laying on the ground suffering. I'm just not sure which state of mind it's referring to. I've changed so much. This is leading me to what could be a really big creative breakthrough... but something is off with it. Something is out of whack, unbalanced. In my notes, I likened Knight of Wands to a moment when I called a friend over to watch me snowskate because I had a gut feeling I was getting close with my first varial flip and I wanted someone to witness it. And I had this... suave confidence to me, and I was just like... "watch this"... and I went and did it first try, probably the smoothest varial flip I've ever done. Because I was confident and I full committed to it. That's the vibe I get from Knight of Wands, full-commit with creative endeavors. Which - just like with skating - is legendary when it lands, but if it's unbalanced... it can be a bit dangerous. That's why I get a little... off-put when I see inverted Knight of Wands. It makes me think of when I went kayaking in a river with a friend the day after a hurricane, and the river was super flooded and all whitewater, and we both almost died. It was flat-out stupid and I still get fucking haunting chills just thinking about it. Ugh... horrible feeling. Like "I am so fucking lucky, I shouldn't be alive." So... I get a little spooked when I see inverted Knight of Wands, but that's just how I'm reading it and it might not be as severe as I fear. Maybe it's just that my confidence and cavalier nature with setting my art prices lost me the commission. Idk. Either way, this leads to a potential future of... Learning from this and... connecting with my emotions more. Purely. Innocently. Following my heart and allowing myself to be a bit clumsy, be a bit naïve, but all passion, all play, all from the heart.

I guess I just don't really know what my heart wants.

My heart is lonely. That feels like a given. It wants friends, it wants to play, it wants to joke and laugh and goof off. I just don't know what it wants... career-wise. And that's been the big struggle the past two days. And god fucking damn do I need a mentor to just talk to about this. Someone who can be patient with the perpetual push-and-pull tug-of-war in my head, and help me find a place in life where my passions and drive and really fucking abnormal lifestyle can flourish rather than be a hinderance. There's gotta be a way.

Instead of linger on that, I'm going to look at the placeholder card. A new one!!! Six of Wands, inverted. Ha! Six of Wands is... praise and recognition. Inverted, blocked or dysfunctional, not working, out of balance, presenting itself but I can't connect with it functionally. Yep. That's a tough one. As I regularly read Stream Summaries that average less than 1 viewer.

But looking on the bright side? A guy approached me after a year and a half, he remembered my owl drawing streams from 2021. He specifically commissioned me based on my skill, when I had like... 1 viewer, if that. He said it was specifically because he wanted to support me as an artist. That meant a lot to me, and still does. Even though he can't afford this, regardless of whether I made the price too high, he still appreciates my art. He still thinks my work is so good that he wants it inked into his dermis for the rest of his life. I can't let that sentiment slip away, I can't let shit block me from engaging with that praise. Because that's a really big compliment.

I have no idea where things are going to go from here. But for right now, I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

0 notes