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munchflix · 9 months

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MUNCHFLIX - STREET FIGHTER (1994)

IMDB BLURB: Col. Guile and various other martial arts heroes fight against the tyranny of Dictator M. Bison and his cohorts.

WARNINGS: Violence and just a whole lot of fucking weird shit

RATING: 20 Billion BisonDollars

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: So we're here again with the muthafuckin' street fighter movie which is so fucking great. Everything about this is absolute garb but it's so much fun. Raul Julia is putting his entire pussy into this absurd performance. Jean Claude Van Damme is the most hilarious "American" I've ever seen. His accent is so thick it hurts.

Biscuits: My opening thoughts are 'I'm eepy', okay?? (Biscuits is sleep-deprived again)

Dib: This movie was shot in a whole ten weeks and allegedly Jean Claude Van Damme was blasted off his ass on coke during the filming of this movie.

M: Watching his performance, I'm not at ALL shocked by that. ANYWAY. We open on uh...a really intense opening credit scene with a news reel talking about how bad M. Bison played by Raul Julia ( may he rest in peace ) is. Chun Li is reporting? Because she's a reporter in this?

B: Allied Nations, is this world war three???

M: Sort of, M. Bison is kind of the dictator

D: There's our man! I guess we just have like a hostage pit in M. Bison's doom dome? I forgot how shit the acting was. Raul was also years into battling stomach cancer when this was filmed.

M: VanDamme shows up as Guile and threatens Bison on the air which goes pretty well, you can't even understand his fucking accent.

B: I keep feeling phantom ants, like a meth addict. What is happening??

D: A lot, it doesn't slow down.

M: I'm trying to summarize but this goes like 100 mph. We've been introduced to Chun Li and Charlie and Blanka who are the same person, shut up, and E. Honda and DJ and Cami played by Kylie Minolgue.

D: Charlie and Blanka are different people in the game.

B: I don't understand what's going on

D: M. Bison has taken hostages and he wants 20 billion dollars from the government.

B: WHAT government???

D: THE government. Basically he wants it from Guile (vandamme) And now we're gonna be introduced to Ryu and Ken at a random street fight in a barbed wire electrified cage

B: These are Ryu and Ken??

Y’know, Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter...

D: And Vega, who kinda looks like his character. And that's Sagat. Sagat and Ryu and Ken have historical beef but not in this movie.

M: This is so much to take in. I guess Sagat is trying to get Ryu and Ken to help him sell guns.

B: So this white guy and this asian guy meet Barack Obama in some weird asian nightclub and they throw tennis balls at them and now they're fighting.

D: This will be the only fight for like...an hour. Meanwhile in Shadaloo? We're back with M. Bison. In this movie, Dhalsim is not a yogi, he's just a scientist? They couldn't do the stretchy limbs thing but come on.

B: They are just firing characters at us!

D: Canonically Blanka is just a weird guy, not some super soldier they created in a lab??? And definitely not Charlie.

M: Back to Dhalsim and M.Bison who is torturing BlankaCharlie with nazi propaganda and stuff to make him BAD. Also Zangief is here staring confusedly in the background, which he does the entire movie and I love him so much.

You can tell he’s being brainwashed because he’s wearing one of those photo-viewer toys from the 90s.

B: FUCKING OTTER POP JUICE LABELLED MUTAGENS DO NOT TOUCH! Can we fucking slow down please??

D: No! this movie does not. Now we're starting with another street fight between Vega and Rye-u or Ryu, it changes constantly.

B: I've seen better acting in a porno.

D: Ken looks like he belongs in a porno. Everyone is shirtless and the audience is horny.

B: That is not a real sword.

M: They could not afford real weapons.

B: When you don't have the money to score your movie, you can just throw in royalty free classical pieces! It’s not lazy or distracting at all!

D: But the fight is interrupted by a tank with Guile in it, and also 800 phone calls from Munch's mother.

M: That's not a joke, she’s called six times in the past half hour. Anyway, it's Guile. He's here with some guys that will not be relevant at all to the rest of the movie except maybe Cami but even then....and there's a spy guy.

B: Is that what spies do?? they just jump up in the middle of meetings and attack?? That's some good cold war espionage right there. What? Ken and Ryu are in jail eating scrambled eggs. That wasn't even a grammatically correct sentence.

D: Back in jail, they're all fighting for some reason.

M: Why?

D: I don't know. Guile is watching from above and back in Charlie's tickle basement, BlankaCharlie is being tortured again and there was a scream when his mouth was closed. Dhalsim is not happy with their methods though so he's gonna make CharlieBlanka look at nice things? they're making CharlieBlanka really swole by showing him bad things? and injecting him with dna otter pop mutagen.

I had to put an image in here of this shit to show you just how much it looks like otter pop juice.

M: Makes perfect sense. Back at the movie! Refugee camp with uh...the allies?

D: Here's ken and ryu and van damme

M: I guess he JUST broke them from prison?

D: Ryu and Ken are not criminals.

M: Just lovers.

D: No Ken is married. Not to Ryu.

B: Yeah, I've never heard of a married gay man.

M: Guile's accent is murdering me, his one liners are just so bad. So so bad.

D: Ken and Ryu fake beef for some reason. Vega hasn't said a single word in this movie. Oh they were stealing the keys.

B: They just throw the keys up in front of everyone, just show em off.

D: And then Ken gives Sagat and Vega the keys anyway but now there's a prison break.

B: I like how the Allied nation guys just have like random flags on them

D: Well technically that's supposed to be where they're from. Guile is shooting down a van but he just got shot.

B: What is the PLOT of this movie right now???

D: Chun Li does an epic dodge roll and there's shooting and then Ken and Sagat kiss. Just kidding. GUILE IS DEAD.

M: He's not though. There's medics, and now elephants back in Shadaloo. M. Bison is making a mini replica of Bisonopolis because he's gotta have a monument to his ego. Chun Li is reporting again about how bad Bison is and how Guile is dead. For real.

Reports have been coming in of a man posing as a health inspector in order to obtain free food.

D: DJ also didn't work for Shadaloo. Raul Julia M Bison's the hell out of this.

B: Is that what you want, M. Bison? Because I'm really confused about what your actual motivation is.

D: He's about to explain it.

B: So the evil leather daddy nazi wants to create an army of super soldiers to save everyone by...killing everyone?

M: Zangief sheds a tear and says Bison's speech was beautiful. He is my favorite. Everyone's alliances here are very suspect. There's a curfew now and stuff. Bad things are happening.

B: Why does Bison needs 20 million for this?

D: I don't know. Chun Li is apparently really a spy. Or a ninja. Or both.

B: She puts on like a bad balaclava and then she just like stealths up into the AN headquarters. Very sneaky. Apparently to sneak you just walk sideways in a black jumpsuit and put your hands up like oooooh.

D: She's got her very loud tracking thing and she's in the morgue, which is empty save ONE dead guy, being Guile. It's full of wet specimens in jars like any good morgue.

B: Oh fuck he's dead. I was so emotionally invested in this character.

M: I like how they just left him in his clothes. Like you do with dead bodies. No autopsy for Guile. He immediately has Chun Li arrested. She's got a sad backstory about how she wants to kill Bison for reasons.

B: I like the random classroom skeleton in the morgue. What war?? Is this just Shadaloo against the entire world?

D: Yep!

B: All the action sequences are so bad, she's just like speed walking away.

D: meanwhile at an illegal gun auction in Shadaloo....

M: Bison is sitting there while ppl who are definitely NOT Honda and Chun Li and Balrog in costume are performing. How did they get there? We don't know. Everyone is just in Shadaloo in a one kilometer radius but Bison doesn't notice.

D: and now Ken is horny for Chun Li but DJ is also horny for...someone. Ken is gonna get kidnapped.

M: Zangief is here, my special boy.

D: Ken is gonna get beaten by Chun Li because he's a scrub. Canonically.

B: Whoah pilot, I'm not that kinda guy. Bison and Sagat are getting a little too close.

D: Bison gives Sagat an entire case of "Bison Money" and says that it will be worth five times the pound when he kidnaps the queen. Which is a great line. Sagat gets mad.

B: Thanks for that backstory, now we know that Honda and Balrog were a sumo wrestler and a boxer. Someone should have told them they didn't need to put every single fucking character from the game in the movie.

M: But they did. Chun Li is planning to blow the entire place to smithereens and she left a fucking video message to let them know about it because that's smart. QUICK, CHANGE THE CHANNEL! says zangief. He is so dumb and we love him.

D: there goes the entire budget

B: They had to buy so many bootleg fireworks for that one scene, it must’ve cost them like 20 whole dollars. Well, 20 dollars in 1994 money, so that’s like $2 million in today's money.

D: I don't really know what Ryu and Ken even do in this movie

M: I don't think they really do anything.

B: This feels like the climax of the movie but we're only 40 minutes in.

D: This movie is a non stop climax. Meanwhile in space....we're gonna geolocate M. Bison with some bullshit tech.

M: Shouldn't be hard to find everyone, they're all in the SAME PLACE. Somehow Ken and Ryu are now M Bison's personal friends for turning in Chun Li and her friends. We don't to see how any of this happened.

D: Balrog and Honda are going to the sex dungeon while Bison goes to personally sexually harass Chun Li.

B: I can't parse if what you're saying is true

M: No it's all true.

B: Ken has to tell the audience who the good guys are

M: Guile is back at the base giving his men a speech about getting into Bison's secret hideout.

B: Their only option is ONE single boat to get into Bison's ancient ruin hideout, okay.

D: meanwhile E. Honda is getting a spanking and he is no selling it. He looks bored.

This is not a scene from a porno, I swear

M: Lots of experience getting lashes. Honda is gonna pull the chain right out of the wall because he's fucking swole. Zangief's accent isn't horrible, he's giving Ken and Ryu new oufits.

D: Ken's chest is covered because he's not actually buff. They're gonna just somehow communicate the two halfs of the map they saw? And here's Guile's speech which is so bad that his lips don't match because Van Damme was so out of it they had to overdub it

M: Guile tells a man he doesn't have balls and then he gets fired but it's fine because only Guile can fight Bison. The war is cancelled. No big.

D: He gives such an inspirational speech that everyone becomes war criminals and they're gonna go after Bison

M: I thought only one guy could get in there?

D: They're gonna follow him I guess. Guile gets in the bat boat mobile and he's gonna go kill Bison.

B: The real UN would've just been like - Please stop being a dictator or we're gonna write a stern letter.

M: Back in Bison's bedroom he's got Chun Li dressed like Chun Li and he's changed into his sex hat and sex robe and he's making an evil martini while Chun li exposits all over everyone about her tragic past.

B: In movies they have a thing called tell don't show, because why would you show something when you can just have someone tell us everything.

D: Back with Ken and Ryu and Honda and Balrog who have broken out but I guess they don't realize they're on the same side.

B: I do want Bison's giant bone chandelier. Hey do you wanna see my chandelier and my painting from John Wayne Gacy? ( that's really in there )

( No, really )

M: Chun Li is still fucking talking about how Bison murdered her dad and girl, he does not care. He's the bad guy. Bison knows women though and he's like, you are harmless. But that's what she wanted him to think!

D: she casually breaks her handcuffs and kicks Bison's ass by kicking him twice. Bison pretty good at fighting, actually.....OH NO THE GAS G-GAS GAS

M: What kind of gas? Who knows! Bison escapes in his uh...evil elevator?

D: Back in Guile's boatmobile, which is his because he has his name on it.

B: Can this movie just....pick a struggle...

M: Nope! and now for the needle drop with Guile's little home video of him and Charlie and then we're back with Blanka who looks like the Lou Ferrigno hulk

D: time for more evil with Blanka. But anyway Dhalsim is gonna give Blanka some nice asmr videos.

B: I love the way fake techy computer stuff looked in the 90's

D: they show him dolphins and weddings and babies and happy things. By the way, the entire Blanka storyline is completely irrelevant.

M: no it's true, nothing ever comes of it at all. I don't now why they put it in the movie. I don't know why they put most of this in the movie. Only Zangief.

D: Speaking of Zangief...he's here. Vega says his one line. I guess everyone got caught again. Oh they got gassed in the room. So now back with Guile they're gonna stealth mode, which changes literally nothing.

M: They just machine gun down all of Bison's sensors. Dj's accent tells us that something verrrrry strange is going on in the river, it's the invisible boatmobile!

D: Anti Guile alarm! Apparently they have an anti stealth mode. So now they're gonna get out M. Bison's big special boy floating platform with video game controls on it. Zangief looks around confused that Guile is alive.

M: all zangief does is look confused until the end. Bison is unsurprised Guile is alive and he's gonna kick everyone's ass whenever Guile and Cami and whoever else get there but apparently he's just gonna press buttons and use underwater mines.

D: Bison blows up the boat but somehow Guile and everyone get out. Insert coin to continue. meanwhile they realize Dhalsim has been beaming good vibes into Blanka's head and they accidentally release Blanka but he's full of good vibes now.

Yes, he does actually look this goofy.

B: They've just made a guy who's addicted to television.

D: Blanka in all his receding hairline glory is gonna save Dhalsim. the only thing he really does in the entire movie. So here's some Shadaloo guys getting beat up by Guile and T Hawk and Cami so they can finally infiltrate the secret aztec base.

M: Everyone is soooo stealthy. they just walk around and beat guys up. Good thing they have a sewer grate into the secret base. Guile and Co fall into a hole.

D: They're finally starting to look like their actual character counterparts. The movie is mostly over.

M: Bison's account has ZERO DOLLARS AND ZERO CENTS. Now he's gonna get mad. I wonder if he'd accept Bison Bucks instead of the 20 million.

Relatable.

D: Probably. OPEN THE HOSTAGE CHAMBER. Guile has broken into this place in 20 seconds, directly into the Blanka chamber.

M: Why do they just have an aquarium. And he finds Blanka and somehow immediately knows he's Charlie even though he doesn't look at all like Charlie. Blanka grunts a lot.

D: CharlieBlanka sad.

B: That was easy! Guile is just gonna shoot him, but Dhalsim stops him.

D: Bison is like why have I not been paid? Bro, you're asking 20 billion.

M: Who even are these hostages, are they worth 20 billion?

B: Who even fucking knows??? Raul Julia is CHEWING the scenery

M: I love it. he's giving 30000 percent.

B: What is the point of this blanka shit? Why is this even in the movie?

M: they're gonna send Guile instead of Blanka I guess, even though Guile isn't a super soldier.

B: I love Zangief, he just stands around looking so confused. I feel that.

D: Guile does a 20 foot leap and drop kicks Bison who orders people to shoot the hostages and now everything is happening so much

B: Everything has been happening so much since it started

D: Everyone gets more naked and the AN is here and E Honda and Zangief are gonna fight for 20 minutes.

M: I wish that was all that happened. Guile is now outside shooting people somehow and I don't now where Bison is.

D: Honda bodyslams Zangief through a secret passage. So Bison finds out Blanka was being programmed to be good and he punches out the screen and now the allied forces are here and Ken kinda almost does a shoryuken.

M: This fight lasts the rest of the movie. Bison is like, DJ and I willl face defeat together and DJ is like, yeah I'm out. Ken is kind of an asshole in this movie. Rye-u and ken get mad and Ryu goes back to save people even though he's not getting paid.

D: This movie is a non stop car accident. Blanka is destroying things while Dhalsim yells. The smoke machine broke and Guile is shooting people and nobody knows where Bison is, including us.

M: But he's not! He's gonna call Guile out and they're gonna fight in man to man combat!

D: Guile has the american flag tattoo! They're gonna street fight.

M: If his run in with Chun Li is any indicator, this should be easy. they show a video of Zangief and Honda destroying the model of Bisontopia with godzilla noises. I love this show. Bison and Guile are still fighting. Props to Raul Julia for fighting in that fucking outfit.

D: Balrog suddenly has his boxing skills back.

B: Where are the hostages?? In the hostage pit! Where do you think they are???

D: M. Bison has died.

B: He gets thrown into a control panel and dies.

D: No we haven't climaxed yet

B: ....but....fuck....whut...I think I've had an aneurysm.

D: Bison life support activated!

B: he has life alert!

D: His suit administers cpr, and now he's gonna use ELECTRICITY!

M: Meanwhile DJ is gonna grab a treasure chest that Bison has in his locker and get out. Ken is also looking for treasure but all he finds is a statue and a bad computer screen with icons but he does see Rye-u and yells at him. It's a trap!

D: Ryu gets ambushed by Sagat and Vega

B: I forgot they were in this movie

D: Bison is gonna fly.

B: Hold up *whispers* just for like...one second please.....WHAT. Why has the climax of this movie been happening for 80 minutes?

D: He's gonna fly. With superconductor electromagnetism. Yanno.

He’s playing the bass and I’m flyin’! (Editor’s note: how many times have I made this fucking joke?)

M: I love Raul Julia so fucking much though oh my god. I miss him. Oh yeah Ken and ryu are fighting and shit and people are losing their shirts.

D: He kinda did a Hadouken. Ryu is gonna burn Vega in the incinerator but only a mild burn

M: Ken and Ryu unsuprisingly win and now they're gonna go to Dizzkneeworld. Bison is just flying all over and shooting lightning at Guile but he's got BIG KICKS and he launches Bison into the screens and he explodes.

B: Oh shit the energy field is unstable!!! Oh shit!

M: Balrog punches open the hostage room. Zangief and Honda are STILL fighting but Honda is like welll I gotta run and Zangief is like DJ! Come fight with me! And DJ is like dude Bison is the fucking villian. Zangief is again confused. Bison is a bad guy???? You got....paid??? He is best boy.

D: Oh no the blast doors are gonna close! How are we gonna get out?? Oh it's ZANGIEF! Who somehow got outside and he's holding the door open and he's also much more naked. And now we're back with Dhalsim who is now bald and mostly naked and he's like nah I'll take CharlieBlanka out, we're fine.

B: WheaheIyeah???

D: And then the evil temple blows up and Cami and Chun Li kiss. Not really. All the Shadaloo henchmen are giving up

M: Zangief stands there proudly as a new good guy.

D: Sagat and DJ escape and now Sagat is shirtless but the treasure is actually BisonBucks

M: Everyone thinks Guile is dead but he's not and everyone is so happy to see him

B: He's been an asshole this whole time.

M: Everyone is good guys now!! And everyone is fine with that I guess. Chun Li and Guile have a little something something but it's kinda gross

D: Why is everyone horny for Chun Li?? Me at the entire Street Fighter Community.

B: Why is it still exploding?

M: The energy field

B: BUT WHY?? THIS WAS NEVER MENTIONED IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE UNTIL THE VERY END!! IT MAKES NO SENSE! ALL OF THE SUDDEN IT HAS A MELTDOWN??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ENERGY FIELD???

D: What happened to Blanka and Dhalsim? We'll never know

B: I don't know what happened, period. What the fuck is going on.

D: This is the most insane movie I've seen in my entire life. The breakneck pace does not stop, it starts at an 11 and goes up to a 14 real quick and stays there. Zangief is best boy,

B: w...what? I don't have anything else to say. What was any of that???? What? Why?

M: You're looking for meaning where there is none. It's beautiful chaos.

B: I will say one thing...there's NEVER a dull moment. Not a single one. You're not given a second to be bored.

D: How many stars would you give this movie?

B: Mayonnaise.

#street fighter #street fighter 1994 #movie review #zangief #guile #munchflix #comedy #m. bison #raul julia

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kaijuworldorder · 6 days

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Gadzooki + Konky Donk: The Empire Magazine review

Oh shit I was supposed to post this weeks ago and forgot, oops. Anyway, having seen Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire a second time and solidified my opinion of it, yeah it's pretty good! Major glow-up from the previous entry. It's not perfect and is no less stupid than its predecessor, but it's the kind of dumb movie that I like, one that doesn't go out of its way to insult my intelligence or annoy me. The things that worked about Godzilla vs. Kong are here only way more, and the things that sucked are mostly not here. There's just enough substance that my adult self is happy, and all the mindless wild spectacle that makes kWo Junior cheer and want to bash action figures together. Adam Wingard said in an interview that his aim was to make a modern-day Toho Champion Festival movie, and I think he succeeded. I'm no longer nearly as worried about the future of the MonsterVerse as I was. I thought this picture was going to suck ass, but I sure ate my words. 4 stars, check it out if you haven't yet.

There's the short version. Under the cut, I'll get into specifics of what I liked and what I didn't. If you're still wanting to see GxK and somehow haven't yet, I recommend doing so before reading on, because I spoil a lot of the movie here.

WHAT I LIKED

Big-time Inhumanoids vibes. The tone, the “journey into a subterranean world to stop evil monsters from taking over Earth” plot, Skar King being kinda like Metlar personality-wise and living in a horrible lava hell, the wacky pseudoscience and power armor (well, just a gauntlet but you get the picture), the gruesome violence…I half-expected the end credits to sound like this. GxK is the closest I think we will ever get to a big-budget theatrical Inhumanoids motion picture, unless a miracle happens and Hasbro decides to give a shit again and buys back the rights. For those who aren't familiar with Inhumanoids: get familiar with it, you’ll thank me later.

Rebecca Hall's new hairstyle. Yeah.

Bernie no longer sucks. Way less grating and unfunny, doesn't parrot fascist talking points every goddamned second, and the sense of wonder he shows upon seeing the Hollow Earth for the first time really won me over.

Jia. One of the previous movie’s strongest aspects in my opinion, particularly her dynamic with Kong, and that holds true in this picture as well. She gets a good deal more to do, shows off more range, and her whole emotional arc in this hits just right for me. Feeling alone even though you’re not, feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere, thinking there must be something wrong with you but you can’t put it into words…these are things I can relate to all too well. And I won’t lie, I choked up when she chose to stay with Andrews at the end.

Unfridging the Iwi. The previous film’s most egregious, unforgivable misstep has been walked back, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s also good to see the Iwi having a more active role in the story, instead of basically being window dressing like in Kong: Skull Island, which as much as I love that movie was kind of a problem. It helps that the Hollow Earth Iwi are just extremely cool. Love the crystal spears, the gravity pyramid and all their other Sufficiently Advanced tech. They’re like if Seatopia weren’t horrible assholes, or if the Nilai Kanai were in a better movie. I like 'em!

Dentist! A thing I love about the MonsterVerse is how it comes up with creative stuff involving kaiju that no other movie has ever really thought to do (e.g. Godzilla flashing Chellen-kov LIGHT from his spines as a threat display). I also like that it shows how the world has changed in response to the emergence of Godzilla and the others—how culture, the economy, politics, and general day-to-day life have shaped themselves around these creatures. Trapper exemplifies both of these things really well. I doubt I would ever have come up with the idea of a kaiju veterinarian, let alone written a scene showing how a dental procedure on a 300-foot ape would work, but I'm so grateful for that level of worldbuilding. He’s also just a goofy weird guy and I like him.

Golden Earring "Twilight Zone" needle drop. One of my favorite songs of all time is in this movie and I know it's kinda stupid to pop for things like that, but goddammit I loved it.

Kong’s arc. There’s just something really satisfying about finally seeing a King Kong who isn’t the last of his kind. Plus he gets a Trendmasters accessory robo-glove gimmick, which is just stupid enough that I'm into it.

Monster rasslin'. I do wish the fight scenes had more weight and scale to them, but goddamn, they're just so much fun and visually engaging. I can't dislike a movie where Godzilla does a vertical suplex.

Sucko. I love this horrible little ugly-cute weirdo/giant ape version of Rock Howard, and not just because “hehe funni mokney” or the bit where Kong uses him as a blunt object to clobber those other assholes. I got genuinely invested in him and Kong bonding, as he realizes that barely anyone in the Skar King’s domain ever showed him genuine kindness before. He is good and can stay.

The Skar King. Fantastic love-to-hate-him scumbag villain, chock-full of personality. You really want to see Kong and Godzilla kick this guy’s ass, and his cruelty and tyranny getting paid back in full at the end is so satisfying. The only thing that really sucks about him is his uncreative name. Like come on, “Hanuman” was RIGHT THERE, especially since the Whipslash can totally stand in for a tail.

Skar King’s soldiers. I love these Lost City of Zinj-ass motherfuckers. They're nasty and fun and I want action figures of them yesterday, so hey uh, Playmates, maybe get on that? Not like you'd have to spend a ton of money either, just reuse the Ferocious Kong and Skar King body molds and make a couple new heads, splash some red paint on em and voila, instant gorilla warfare. That one balding ape with the fucked-up eye who Sucko kicks off the pyramid to his death might require some new tooling, but nothing major.

Shimo. It's nice to have an antagonist monster who isn't evil, and is still alive at the end of the picture. We don't often get reptilian monsters not named Godzilla that are babyfaces, and ice powers are rare in Toho kaiju circles. She's just a breath of fresh air, with a simple but effective design and a genuine emotional hook; I really felt bad for her when the Skar King was bossing her around and basically torturing her, and the joy she feels at her freedom from his control transcends onto me, the viewer.

Mothra is so fucking back. She makes her presence felt, she doesn't die this time, and she gets a little more to do here than in King of the Monsters, which I appreciate. I still say she ought to have a solo spinoff movie; she's Strong and Cool™ enough to stand on her own, and there's so much more you can do with her than just being Godzilla's conscience and bestest pal.

Tiamat. It was nice to see her in motion finally instead of just being relegated to tie-in comics that the movies ignore 99.9% of the time. Shame we’re never gonna see her again.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE

Junkie XL's score. Soulless and unmemorable hackery, just like his work on Godzilla vs. Kong. The Skar King motif sounds like he started to compose something and then just gave up. He also has a Jimmy Hart version of "Mothra's Song" to accompany the previous movie's Jimmy Hart Godzilla theme, and it's just as lame. Bring back McCreary or Desplat, please and thank ya.

AVP-wi. As much as I like the Hollow Earth Iwi, I’m a little annoyed that the Iwi are now apparently the only ancient monster-worshiping culture there has ever been. It feels dumbed down, and limits what future stories in this setting will be able to do.

Godzilla Evolved. Boy oh boy do I have a lot to say about this, none of it good. Godzilla's new look is way too busy and overdesigned with all these spiky greebles all over him that make him look more like a Monster Hunter boss than the King of the Monsters, and his proportions physically hurt me to look at. Where did all the internal organs in his torso go to make his waist that slim? What the fuck is up with his arms? Why are there dorsal spines growing out of his elbows and forearms? It just doesn't look right. I get that they're trying to evoke the Godzilla 2000 design with the giant pink spines and slimmer body proportions and the spikier and slightly greener skin (it's even got the same feet) but it just isn't done that well, and besides, if I wanted to see that design, I'd watch that movie. It’s just fucking up the cohesion of the Legendary Godzilla design and eroding its visual identity even more, dragging it further and further in directions it wasn’t meant to go in a cynical capitalistic move to sell new toys. I said it in 2019 and I'll say it again: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Moreover, it's 100% cosmetic and doesn't actually affect the movie at all in any meaningful way, it's just Dragon Ball-style "new color = stronger" power creep. We keep being told how much more powerful Godzilla is now, but we're not shown any evidence that there's a significant difference. It doesn't feel like there's anything Evolved Godzilla does that regular Godzilla couldn't or hasn't before. He doesn't act any different or display new abilities. His new thagomizer and Batmanesque arm spines? Never uses 'em, they're just more surface greebles to clutter up the design. Why make changes like that if you're not gonna do anything with them? Hell, the only new trick Godzilla shows off in this, the classic blue Nuclear Pulse, is something he uses before he evolves! And then he never does it again after that! Even the atomic breath color change is meaningless. We're told it's stronger than before, but again, we never actually see that; it doesn’t seem to do any more damage to monsters or buildings than the old one did. Sure, it burns away Shimo's ice storm at the end, but Godziller burned a tunnel all the way through the fucking Earth with the regular blue breath in the last movie, so it doesn't really feel like something he needed a new form to be able to do. I don't believe for one second that Godzilla Evolved was necessary; there's not enough real difference between it and Original Flavor Godzilla to justify its existence. I realize that's probably unfair of me to say since I don't know if or how much anything that would've helped illustrate the difference better may have been part of the movie before but got cut for time, but to me at least, the effect on the finished film is that Most Powered-Up New Godzilla® just feels like a palette swap in a video game, and that's not great. Maybe instead, oh I dunno, you could have Godzilla have a rough time and just barely win against Scylla in Rome instead of wasting her in seconds, Final Wars-style? Maybe have a little flashback to the ancient war of Godzilla vs. Hanuman & 700 Big Gorilla, like show him barely surviving that, so we get an idea of what he's up against? Then when he powers up, we can buy that he's stronger now, like a sense of progression or something. Instead, what we get is basically a Hong Kong martial arts flick if it showed the hero doing a training montage and then beating all the bad guys, but didn't show any of why he needed to train in the first place, e.g. the bad guys kicking his ass. It's a payoff with no setup. I assume this is probably a side effect of Godzilla in New Empire being what immature people with bad opinions claim he was in Godzilla (2014)—a guest star in his own movie—so there might not have been a way to avoid this problem without significantly altering the pacing, but like…could they have at least fucking tried?

#godzilla x kong the new empire #monstrous monologues #kwo at the movies

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joe9cool · 2 years

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COLLIDE- JUSTIN HERBERT- 2

It had been a couple of weeks since the wedding, and Justin made no effort to contact Sara. Figuring she probably just forgot about it. He had bigger things to focus on like the start of training camp.

He had managed to tune out the noise surrounding him. The experts had predicted an MVP season. Chargers making the Superbowl. Okay, maybe he didn't tune it all out.

It was day 4 of training camp and he had just finished an interview with the NFL network. It was exhausting, the media part at least. Justin just wanted to play football.

He had just finished a shower when he heard his phone ring. He answered it without looking, more than likely it was one of his brothers.

"Hey, man what's up?"

"Hi, Justin." He looked at his screen and that was when he noticed 'Sara' shit.

"Um hello, Sara. I wasn't expecting you."

"Did you just finish camp for the day?"

"Yes um. I'm getting ready to turn in."

"It's 7:30"

Justin didn't feel like playing games tonight. He just wanted to review tape for preseason games, even though he wasn't playing. "Why did you call?"

"I had a great time meeting you at the wedding and was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee. Maybe breakfast?"

That was weird. Justin was never used to a woman making the first move. Since coming to the NFL he had many girls in his DMs but none he was interested in.

Wait, was he interested in Sara? She was pretty, and they had a great conversation at the wedding, and she was famous.

Wait, famous? That means there would be cameras surrounding her every move. No way.

"Uh listen, Sara, It was great meeting you, however, I don't think going out in public together is a good idea. So I'm gonna pass.

There was a pause. Justin expected her to just hang up. Not being filmed was too much to demand of an A-lister.

"Well how about when you finish camp you can come over to my house and I'll cook dinner."

"Sara I don't think-"

"I promise I'm a really good cook. I'll make something healthy that follows your diet plan. I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Um sure, uhh it's going to be a while before I have free time."

"I'll text you details just let me know when you're free. So how was practice? Are you nervous or anxious for the season at all?"

Justin felt like he had whiplash, she just made a date with him and it's now turning into an NFL interview. "Uh yeah, a little. I think I'm just excited to play football."

"Oh I'm sure, I'm taking a little break from acting, but I'm ready to get back into it. My agent said I was offered a role in the Dune sequel. Still working out the contract, but I would love to work with Timothee again."

"Timothee?"

"Chalamet, I worked with him on Little Women a few years ago."

Justin found himself smiling "Yeah I've never seen that movie"

He heard Sara's laugh on the other end. "I am not trying to be conceited, but what films have you seen me in"

Justin tried to rack his brain. "I saw you in Bohemian Rhapsody. You did an excellent job on that. I only watch cult classics and Christopher Nolan films."

For the next hour, they talked about Christopher Nolan's films, it was almost like he wasn't talking to a celebrity. It just felt…. Right

When he and Sara hung up he found himself pulling up his schedule, looking forward to dinner.

—---------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, it would take a little time before their schedules matched. When Justin had no obligations Sara was caught up in a photoshoot and vice versa. They had a couple preseason games, which Justin didn’t play in. He understood it, but he wanted to get back on the field and it was frustrating being on the sidelines.

Which was what he was explaining to her at her home Saturday night. They were sitting at her bar drinking the wine he brought. Dinner was excellent, she was a really good cook. She had told her front gate security man to just let him in. Upon seeing her house, he had almost had a panic attack, wondering what he was doing here. Justin had been tempted to turn around, go home and block her on everything. But he would feel way too guilty, and he just couldn’t live with that guilt.

So after pulling into her driveway, he had a pep talk before he got out of the car. She was already waiting for him at the door, she gave him a big hug and reached on her toes to press a kiss on his cheek. All of which made him blush like a school boy.

He had helped her a bit, doing the chopping while mostly she spoke. He learned that while she excelled at art, she enjoyed sports rather than playing, she was the youngest of four girls, all of her sisters in successful careers and marriages with children. One sister was even married to a professional hockey player.

Justin wondered how she could be so open with him, they havent known each other long. Anytime she asked him questions he gave his media answer, during dinner, she had called him out for it.

“Justin I am not ESPN, you can talk to me ya know?”

“I know you’re not.”

“Then actually tell me about you, what do you like? I want to know fears, and all that.”

He started to relax with the couple glasses of wine he was having, so he talked about his family, his time at Oregon, stories that he would never share with someone he knew for a short amount of time, but Sara was different. It was comfortable, and for the first time, he was just a kid from Eugene, not a LA Athlete.

There were many girls who tried to use him for fame, one girl he was casually seeing kept purposely dropping obvious hints on social media and gaining attention on their personal life. Justin shut down quickly

They had lost track of time, and Justin didn’t leave her house til 1:00am. He made a promise to see her again. He thought of her the whole 20 min drive home, he thought of her before bed.

He found himself sending her a good night text.

* I'm going to try to speed up the chapters a bit. But let me know what you think and I'm open to suggestions

#justin herbert #alexa writes #nfl imagine

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legion1227 · 1 year

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The Last of Us: TV show Review. (Mild spoilers).

This has to be up there as one of the best video game-to-live-action adaptations, correct?

When the first few episodes dropped, some critics and journalists praised it as the first ever good video game adaptation. However, in the last few years alone, animated shows like Cuphead, Arcane, and Castlevania already broke the "video game curse," as some might describe it. The Last of Us cements itself as a show up there as one of the greats and on par with the equally superb game.

Years after a zombie outbreak, Joel and Ellie trek across America and endure hardship after hardship that the undead and fellow survivors throw their way.

As far as an adaptation goes, The Last of Us tv show follows the game closely but also has its own identity. There's a blend and demonstration of respect as the creative team, Craig Mazin and Neil Druckmann, who also crafted the beloved game, follow the blueprint the game left, yet also add different and new elements that don't take away from the game, adding depth to the story instead.

The third episode of the Last of Us focuses on Joel and Ellie shortly before shifting hard to tell the love ballad between characters Frank (Murray Bartlett) and Bill (Nick Offerman) for the majority of the hour. Bill's contribution to the story in the game is vastly different as Frank is already dead, and we get a glimpse into his depressing lifestyle without his partner that's coincided with a boss fight in a school against a bloater. As much as I would have loved to see a throwdown between Joel, Ellie, Bill, and a jacked zombie, the beautiful love story told instead was acceptable. It's one of the first instances the show displays that I always wanted to see with a game adaptation to film or tv.

When adapting a book, game, or otherwise to a small or large screen, I believe you need to find a sense of balance. You have the original material before you, plenty to adapt with your vision, but also implementing original ideas that fit the story adds to the medium and makes it a more unique experience as opposed to the original material.

The Last of Us show is what I want from an adaptation. The game is already near-perfect, and the show follows the game close enough while interjecting new ideas that differentiate it from the game while also putting it on par in terms of quality.

Bill and Frank's love story is not the only story and dynamic that works. Episode 8, titled Left Behind, adapts the DLC from the game where you play as Ellie. A significant portion of the DLC tells another love story between Ellie and her best friend, Riley (Storm Reid), as they explore a mall. The bond these two children share comes off as authentic as they marvel at the sights before them with genuine delight. If there's something the show succeeds at, it's portraying duo dynamics.

Bill and Frank and Ellie and Riley are two relationships fueled by love and end with tragedies, resulting in breaking the viewer's heart. Episode 5 is the same as Joel and Ellie come across two brothers, Henry (Lamar Johnson) and Sam (Keivonn Woodard). Of all the stories, how theirs ends broke my heart the most, even though I knew how it would end since I played the game before. I suppose I forgot how depressing the story of Last of Us could be. And if the show is going to continue following the route of the games, then when season 2 drops and follows the events of the second game, everyone is going to shit themselves with grief.

Among the multiple duos and different dynamics, Pedro Pascal as Joel and Bella Ramsey as Ellie is the driving force. Pascal and Ramsey deliver performances that put the two on par with the game's voice actors Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson. ( Sidenote: I love how they got the voice of Ellie to play her mother in the show. A genius choice. However, having Baker play 2nd fiddle to a cannibal as opposed to his counterpart in Johnson was odd and comedic in juxtaposition, but he made the role work.) Pascal's portrayal of Joel has him put up a much stronger stoic front that Ramsey's Ellie slowly breaks down as the two forms a bond by the last episode. Joel may have lost a daughter in the first episode, but he found a new one in the end.

There are not many complaints I have about the show. It's well-acted and smartly written, the action scenes are shot well, and the story feels grounded for a zombie apocalypse tale. It's literally just as good as the game.

I do find two gripes. One, I think the show could've used one more episode to help with the pacing. The whole section with Joel and Ellie with Bill in the school was omitted in place of Bill and Frank's love story. While I respect the choice, it would've been nice to find a way to incorporate Joel and Ellie having to traverse a school and watch out for the undead. Ideally, you could have the duo strengthen their bond more in an episode like this while also avoiding and/or murdering more zombies. (which brings us to my second point.) Two, there weren't enough zombies. The huge concern in the apocalypse for survivors appears to be other survivors. Realistically, zombies, clickers, and undead in any form should be just as worrying as other groups of survivors. But across several episodes, the lack of presence of zombies is felt. I hope season 2 rectifies the issue by displaying more zombies as a terrifying threat.

As amazing as this show was, it was equally depressing. 4.5/5. I am simultaneously looking forward to and dreading the events to follow in the next season.

#last of us #tv shows #tv review #review #tv

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theworthofhollin · 7 years

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SHITTY MOVIE REC OF THE WEEK:

Nick Powell's OUTCAST (2014) starring Hayden Christensen, Yifei Liu, and Nicholas Cage.

(i know. i know. bear with me here.)

Dudes. First things first: this is Hayden Christensen's perfect come-back film. like sure this is not a Great Film but I honestly forgot how good Christensen was as a physical actor??? and DAMN. with the physicality of this role...he is so good. (and what’s so great about this is watching it immediately following the clone wars tv show is PERFECT because its the same form of Anakin we see there: a killer, but war-torn, hungry, dynamic.)

No, really. This is, I shit you not, the ultimate Anakin Skywalker AU Redemption Arc. But with more mohawks and stunning fight choreography and crazy good scenery and also did i mention mohawks. hayden christensen has a mohawk. anyways. if that alone doesnt make any sw fan want to watch this movie [on US Netflix too!!!] then 1. have fun living ur boring ass life??? 2. look at this photo, is that not rots skywalker to a t and 3. keep reading.

SO. Set in what we can assume is the late 1200s, early 1300s?? Hayden Christensen plays a Jedi Knight, sorry, TEMPLAR KNIGHT, named Anakin-- I MEAN JAKOB, who is fighting alongside his Master, Obi Wan Kenobi-- no, sorry, his MENTOR, NIC CAGE, in the Clone Wars, sorry, i mean THE CRUSADES. classic mix up.

SIDENOTE: If the guy who wrote this movie doesnt also have a secret ao3 account dedicated to his star wars prequel au fanfic collection that he’s been cultivating since high school then ill eat my fucking shoe.

(also idk what Cage’s character’s actual name is considering I, like everyone else in the world, can only refer to him as Nic Cage in any role ever. But back to the point.)

[spoilers ahead]

Alright. so.

Somewhere In The Middle East, Nic-Wan Kenobi witnesses his protégé's bloodlust in a battle that results in the deaths of a temple full of innocent women and children, (THE YOUNGLINGS... ANAKIN....) and naturally he goes awol, while Jakob/Anakin spirals down a guilt-driven descent into opium, believing himself to be Damned, Capital D, for his actions.

SIDE NOTE: Hayden looks especially good in this movie, but particularly when he’s PISSED OFF and EXTRA SAD. i dont want to use to the term smad but damn. smad is...a good look here.

i digress.

(serious spoilers below:)

Here's where we enter fix-it fic mode: 3 years after the Crusades have ended, (and in true Kenobi style, Nic Cage has disappeared into the vast eastern wilderness with only his patchy grief-beard and an extra robe he’ll probably lose) a Chinese King is dying, and wishes to make his heir his gentle-hearted 13-year-old son. His elder son, a brutal war-monger, says FUCK U DAD, kills him and takes the throne, but not before their sister LIAN, played by the lovely YIFEI LIU, escapes with both her younger brother and the seal to the kingdom under the cover of night.

(this is basically TPM with shittier gender roles, but otherwise a pretty obvious parallel to the sw Naboo Invasion) And its EXTRA interesting to me because in the sw universe, Naboo court regalia is canonically based off of ancient chinese imperial robes, with aspects of certain japanese and mongolian formalwear as well. AND most of the jedi philosophies are bastardized variations of asian iconography and medieval knights errant, so its fun to see that played out on screen and it lets me draw parallels wherever i want which is always a major plus.

(SIDENOTE: during the escape, her little bro is all decked out in black clothes with dark accersories for night camouflage etc etc while Lian shows up looking hella fine in hand embroidered white silk like. bitch??? u thought i’d downplay my aesthetic for my own HEALTH and SAFETY?anyways what a gift and if im being honest that moment alone made me go, shit, fuck, padme. love of my life.)

(she’s been running hard road for 2 days and just LOOK at her, jesus.)

but back to the plot.

While on the run from the SITH, I mean, the evil brother’s Black Guard, they happen to stumble into a cantina in the lower mountains, where they meet a drugged up, super smad Jakob pulling an Solo in the back of the bar.

( HELP ME... JAKOB.... WHOEVER THE FUCK U ARE--)

The Black Guard then tries to take his LIGHTSABER, I mean, his special, holy, papal blessed broadsword, which ends up being a really bad move. (It's interesting how they play the scene as well: from under the brim of his hat, they make sure his eyes glow bright angry yellow in the reflection of the candles around the table. like. they switch angles and everything just so you’ll notice. It's all very Vader-esque.

[MUFFLED ‘VADER’S THEME’ PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE]

Also immediately after this he pulls a Complete Anakin and flips a fucking table so people will pay attention to him, i love this boy, oh my god, he then proceeds to murder everybody in the bar, which is just. wildly satisfying.)

SIDENOTE: its important to acknowledge the fact that first time director Nick Powell is also a well known fight choreographer and has been a hardcore stuntman for most of his career, so the real highlights in this movie are the GLORIOUS action scenes. Honestly, the sword fights in this movie are some of the best ive ever seen onscreen. and Hayden is absolutely magnetic. 10/10 would recommend just for that alone.

ANOTHER SIDENOTE: Lian also knifes a dude in the neck here w/ her jeweled hairpin. So thats #neat

coincidentally, this also happens to be the moment where both Jakob and I fell in love. also #neat

(AND. this star wars concept art from ROTS and these shots of lian and jakob. discuss:)

(im the guy silently sweating in the back)

ANYWAY.

After witnessing Vader, I mean, Jakob, utterly destroy a full contingent of bad guys, Padme, I mean, LIAN, asks him to help get them to Xing Yuan, a city several days ride away that holds their father's army generals, who will support them and help them take back the throne. Jakob agrees, and then there's lots of exciting action sequences and Anakin and Padme falling in love (SIDENOTE: TRUE TO FORM, ANAKIN IS TERRIBLE @ FLIRTING IN LITERALLY ANY UNIVERSE. GOD BLESS.)

BUT beyond that human disaster, this movie is so underrated. paralleling the sw plotline, the boy king gets his own little padawan training lessons, we get some crazy acrobatic swordfights here and there, they run into obi wan where he’s been hiding in the woods for a decade (#consistency) and its all very dramatic and on ridiculously shaky historical ground but who cares guys thats not why ur watching it in the first place.

We all know why ur watching it in the first place.

the plot. you’re watching it for the plot.

#hayden christensen #outcast #outcast 2014 #nicolas cage #star wars #film reviews #anyways watch this movie #i forgot how much i love reviewing shit films #(disclaimer: nic cage is so weird in this movie and as per usual his accent is the most uncomfortable thing ive ever heard but Whats New?)#also:#im lian in that last pic. we are all lian in that last pic.#long post #mine

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 3 years

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Psycho Analysis: Suicide Squad Team A

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS! Seriously, as soon as you click that read more, you’re gonna be smacked with SPOILERS! Don’t say I didn’t give you ample warning this time!)

The world’s in danger yet again, and Amanda Waller is in need of some expendable forces to take on some dirty jobs in the name of preserving peace. Last time she did this, it seems like she hired the wrong people. Nice guy Will Smith Deadshot? Bland, boring Killer Croc? El Diablo, who became attached to a bunch of reprobates after spending a couple hours with them? The only one who was useful in that squad was Katana. She had their backs, could cut all of them in half with one sword stroke just like mowing the lawn, and her sword traps the souls of its victims. Unfortunately, she was decidedly not expendable, so what is a girlboss like Waller to do?

Easy: Assemble a brand new squad of criminals to do the dirty work. Harley and Boomerang are the only ones she brought back, because let’s be real, they’re the only ones we give a damn about. Filling out the rest of the squad are the stoic, craggy crackshot Savant; the handsome, German spear-thrower Javelin; the alien warrior Mongal; the frothing, psychotic animal Weasel; the confident and all-powerful TDK; and Blackguard, who is literally just a guy. Together, this team gets deployed to Corto Maltese to do what no one else can do, and with skills like theirs, they are absolutely unstoppable!

They all fucking die before the opening credits.

Motivation/Goals: Considering the goal of the squad is to shave time off their prison sentences by going on the mission, it’s ostensibly the reason every single one of these goons accepted the job. Savant and Weasel are pretty well established in this regard; we get to focus on Savant for much of the opening, so we can get a sense of him, and Weasel is stated to have murdered no less than 27 children. So, yeah, they need to do this mission.

The rest, though? Who knows! Why are Mongal, Javelin, and TDK in prison? How did they even get an alien like Mongal? What did they do to land in the position they’d need to go on a suicide mission? Why doesn’t this movie have flashy, intrusive cards explaining everything to us in a throwaway gag in a montage?!

Blackguard, at least, has some other motivation. He sold out the entire squad to the military of Corto Maltese, which is why they’re ambushed. Now, there’s actually some ambiguity here: Did he do this of his own volition, and was this a complete surprise, or is it, as it is heavily implied, all part of Waller’s plan and she let this happen as a diversion for the other team to get in unnoticed?

Honestly, though, it doesn’t matter what their goals are. They’re all dead within five minutes of the movie starting, with one exception.

Performance: So, the reason these guys are even worth talking about is because, despite their minuscule screentime, all of their actors manage to cram in enough humor and characterization that they’re all pretty fun and likable. Michael Rooker is as stony and stoic as ever as Savant (until he hilariously isn’t), Flula Borg’s Javelin is really sweet and charming in his interactions with Harley, and Pete Davidson’s Blackguard is just amazingly douchey and pathetic. Special mention goes to Nathan Fillion’s TDK, who has an utterly endearing and unwavering faith in his astoundingly crappy ability to… detach his arms. It’s honestly kind of beautiful. Then there’s Weasel as portrayed by Sean Gunn, who is just a hilarious crackhead of an animal man.

Final Fate: Literally every single one of them die horribly thanks to Blackguard’s betrayal. He’s the first to go, because as soon as he walks out saying “Hey guys, it’s me, the one who contacted you!” he literally has his face blasted clean off. The rest go soon after. Mongal, in one of the most astounding moments of idiocy I’ve ever seen, leaps on a helicopter despite Rick Flag telling her specifically not to. Her weight and strength send it careening out of control, which leads to it shredding Captain Boomerang to bits before exploding, burning her alive as she painfully screams and writhes in agony. TDK gets his arms shot into Swiss cheese, leading to him bleeding out since even detached they still are part of him. Javelin is also shot, but gets a dying moment with Harley where he passes her Checkov’s Javelin. Finally, after witnessing all of this carnage, Savant completely loses his shit and tries to swim away, leading to Waller blowing his head up.

You may be wondering what happened to Weasel. He appears to drown as soon as the Squad deploys, because despite being actually smart in this movie, Waller forgot to make sure everyone on the Squad could swim. Thankfully, this lovable child-murdering crackhead rodent was just sleeping, and wakes up in the first credit scene.

Best Scene: Obviously, it’s their one and only scene. It’s a magnificent slaughter that puts the X-Force scene from Deadpool 2 to shame.

Final Thoughts & Score: I’ve gotta hand it to James Gunn. Even though these losers are only onscreen for a few minutes, they all get to cram a lot of charm and personality into that time, to the point it’s actually kind of sad seeing them all die. It’s a beautiful mix of comedy and tragedy. Since their screentime is so limited, though, I’m mostly going to be grading them on style, performance, and so on rather than on villainy like normal. They are all bad guys, as they don’t really get a chance to redeem themselves like the other Squad, so I’m still counting them as villains, which means they could potentially score above an 8 (which is the highest score I’m willing to give heel-face turn villains, because they end up being better as characters in general than as villains).

I’m also not going to talk about Boomerang (I’ll talk about him when I review the original Squad) or Harley (because she not only lives, but deserves her own solo Psycho Analysis). Now here we go, from best to worst:

TDK

If you thought anyone but TDK would get top marks, you’re sadly mistaken. Seeing Nathan Fillion proudly wield the insanely lame power to detach his arms to lightly tap soldiers on the head and gently grab their guns is a sight I never knew I needed to see until this movie. The fact he just seems so darn proud about this power that he doesn’t even bother to use in any way that would be remotely useful is honestly really endearing. Frankly, the sheer fact they adapted Arms-Fall-Off Boy in any way is enough for me to give him a 10/10.

Weasel

Weasel is just disgustingly delightful. He’s just a horrible, nasty, ugly little bastard… But he’s kind of adorable? He clearly has no idea where he is at any given time and is just so goddamn freaky that I can’t help but love him. The fact that, despite being a character who in the comics is noteworthy only for dying on his first mission with the Squad, he manages to survive the entire movie is pretty impressive. Hopefully he comes back in the future, but either way he gets an 8/10 from me.

Javelin

Honestly, aside from Boomerang, his death stung the most. He’s just so cute and charming, and he doesn’t even get to fling his javelin at anyone! Thankfully, he passes it on to Harley, and boy does she ever get to use it! He’s so cute, I have to give him an 8/10. I just wish we got more of him.

Savant

Savant is just an absolutely hilarious bait-and-switch. We follow him through the prologue, with everything seeming to point to him as our main character and the Squad leader. He’s stoic, he’s cranky, and he has impeccable aim… and then we get to the beach and he just freaks the hell out and starts screaming and crying and running away like a little bitch. Seeing Michael Rooker act like he’s shitting his pants after playing a badass like Yondu is just the sort of hilarious subversiveness that James Gunn loves to do when you let him loose. The fact that he looks like, to paraphrase the TVTropes YMMV page for the movie, a “cyberpunk Tommy Wiseau” is the icing on this 7/10 cake.

Blackguard

I was prepared to hate this guy just based on how lame Pete Davidson’s costume was, and you know what? I do hate him. But I love to hate him. He’s just an utterly pathetic scoundrel and a coward, true to his name. The fact he is the first to die, as just about everyone predicted, and is killed absolutely gruesomely makes any annoyance he could provide moot, and his freeakout over being seated next to Weasel on the plane is actually kind of funny. I was originally going to give him a 6, but you know what? He can have a low 7/10. He’s like the only member of this particular Squad to actually do anything evil, so I gotta give him props for that.

Mongal

Let me make this perfectly clear: I do not blame James Gunn or actress Mayling Ng. I’m not actually mad at either of them for what they chose to do, because it is ultimately hilarious and sad. It suited the narrative of the film, and I’m not actually, genuinely mad.

With all that out of the way, Mongal is one hell of a stupid cunt. It is one thing to cause your own death with your stupidity, it is something else entirely to cause the death of a beloved character with your poorly planned attack. The fact she didn’t take into account how her weight and strength would effect an airborne helicopter makes one wonder if she is really supposed to be based on a character who can take on Superman and live to tell about it.

Let’s compare her to two similar characters to really show how bad she is. Like Blackguard, she is directly responsible for a death on the beach, Blackguard being responsible for everyone by selling them out and leading them into an ambush (and yes, I’m including him as well), and Mongal killing Boomerang with the chopper. The difference is, Blackguard’s betrayal was deliberate, he meant to sell the team out, he was actively doing something evil there, while Mongal killed Boomerang out of sheer idiocy.

Now, let’s compare her to Zeitgeist from the similar bloody massacre that occurred during X-Force’s deployment in Deadpool 2. Like Mongal, he accidentally kills a teammate. The difference is, in the case of Zeitgeist, he only accidentally melted Peter, it was a freak accident, and ultimately it does get undone by the end. Meanwhile, Mongal made a conscious, stupid decision and ended up killing her squadmate with her own idiocy. She sucks, hardcore. I don’t do this lightly, but I’m giving her a 1/10. Villains just don’t get much stupider than her.

I will giver her this, though: the makeup work on her is good. She’s lowkey kinda hot if I’m being honest. But being hot and having good makeup does not a good villain make.

#Psycho Analysis #The Suicide Squad #Savant #Michael Rooker #Javelin #Flula Borg #TDK #Nathan Fillion #Weasel #Sean Gunn #Mongal #Mayling Ng #Blackguard #Pete Davidson

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queenshelby · 3 years

Text

Unexpected Circumstances (Just Friends Part 7) - Cillian Murphy Imagine

Featuring: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: SMUT

Words: 5789

Notes: I have decided to include one of the requests I received in this series as I didn’t know how to best write it as a standalone at this point. I think it makes sense as part of this series as trust between Cillian and the Reader has been clearly established. I might still write a stand-alone piece as well incorporating the same request as this is the sort of Smut I like. So, stay tuned for that!

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The Letter

It has been five weeks now since Cillian and you admitted your feelings for each other and things were going great.

Some days you couldn’t believe how lucky you were to have found a man like him, someone who cared not only for you but also your son Max.

Cillian adored Max and Max enjoyed Cillian’s and Cillian’s children’s company.

Cillian would often pick Max up from preschool when you had to work late and prepare dinner for you and Max. Max thought that this was fantastic since you were a terrible cook.

But, despite this, it was sometimes difficult to arrange dates when you both had children to look after. You both tried to work around this issue as best as you could but, realistically, you only managed to have three sleepovers per week, mostly when Cillian didn’t have his boys. This was when he came over to stay at your house and you always hated when he had to leave.

After all, you were madly in love, a feeling which was unfamiliar to you. You wanted to be around him all the time and whenever you weren’t together you missed him.

As expected, you received some backlash from strangers due to your age gap but you tended to ignore the frustrating comments. They didn’t know you and they didn’t know your relationship.

The comments you received from your friends were nothing but supportive and even your grandmother thought that Cillian was good for you, much unlike your previous partners.

You still haven’t told your parents about your relationship, but your sister was aware. She followed Twitter quite eagerly and loved Cillian’s TV Show hence the reason you told her.

Your sister was concerned that your father wouldn’t approve of your relationship due to the large age gap, but that wasn’t a problem you were ready to face yet and little did you know that you were about to have bigger problems than that coming your way.

Bad news was about to hit you like a freight train. It was 10am on Friday morning. You were working from home while Max was at preschool as the doorbell rang.

It was unusual for the postman to drop off letters personally. Usually that meant that you had to sign for your letters, which was never a good sign.

You thought that it must be a vehicle recall, or notice of some sort. But it was worse. It was a letter from your real estate agent advising you that you will be required to vacate the premises within 30 days.

You could not believe it. It was difficult enough for you to find this townhouse as a single mother in an area where the schools were decent enough. You were always on time with your rent and never missed a single payment. You had no idea why you had to move out.

You called the real estate agent immediately and were advised that the owner is returning from America and requires the premises at the end of the lease term. There was nothing you could do.

The real estate agent advised you that there were no suitable rentals in the area within your price range but that they were willing to give you a good reference should you find something else with a different agent.

You were devastated. The last thing you wanted is to take Max out of preschool just after he made some friends. Furthermore, Cillian’s youngest son was attending the same preschool and it was a perfect arrangement for the both of you.

As you went on with the day, you put your non urgent work aside in order to search for rentals online as, all of a sudden, the doorbell rang.

‘Oh Cillian… I totally forgot’ you said as you opened the door.

‘You forgot our date?’ Cillian chuckled as he walked in the door, giving you a quick kiss.

‘I must be the worst girlfriend’ you said with some embarrassment. You never forgot a date with your boyfriend before. After all, it was what you looked forward to the most.

‘Relax, it’s fine Y/N’ Cillian said before noticing that your face was slightly flushed and your eyes were red.

‘Are you alright though? You look like you’ve been crying’ Cillian said as he ran his hands over both of your arms. He knew that something was wrong.

‘Yes, I just had a very stressful and shit morning. I am alright now though’ you said as you walked into the bedroom to get changed, ready to go out for lunch.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Cillian asked from the hallway.

You took the letter which you received from the real estate agent from the sideboard in the hallway and handed it to him.

‘I’ve just been searching for a new rental but they are either too expensive or out of the area. But, I have found one in North Dublin and the schools there have halfway decent reviews so…’ you explained and, before you could finish your sentence, Cillian interrupted you.

‘The schools here are much better Y/N. I don’t think you should change Max mid-term; it will put him behind’ Cillian said.

‘Don’t you think I know this?’ you asked frustrated. You were still quite upset about having to move.

‘I will lose the enrolment as soon as I move out of area. Despite, I cannot drive backwards and forwards with work. I barely make pickup time now with the hours I am at the office’ you added just as tears began to build up in your eyes again.

‘Common, sit down’ Cillian said as he sat down on the bed next to you and wrapping his arms around you.

‘I might have a solution’ he said as he wiped your tears away.

‘Go on then’ you said, still sobbing.

‘You and Max could move in with me. That way, we could spend more time together and Max won’t have to change preschool and can start year one with Charlie’ Cillian suggested.

‘Move in with you? Cillian, don’t you think it’s a bit too early for that? We have only been together for 5 weeks’ you said.

‘Yes, but we’ve known each other for a few months now. Seems like a perfectly reasonable timeframe’ Cillian chuckled, making you laugh. You knew that he was being sarcastic. He always had a good sense of humour.

‘Coming from the man who just a couple of months ago didn’t want to settle down’ you smiled.

‘Well, that was before I got myself such a beautiful girlfriend’ Cillian said before giving you a passionate kiss. He could taste the saltiness from your tears but it didn’t seem to bother him.

‘You are crazy, you know that’ you chuckled after your lips drifted apart.

‘Well, you do that to me’ Cillian said while cupping your face with both of his hands.

‘We would, however, need to work on your cooking skills’ he added jokingly, earning him a nudge.

‘Very funny’ you said with a laugh.

‘Seriously though, what do you think?’ Cillian asked.

‘I think Max would really love this idea and I would love nothing more than sharing a bed with you every night. I am just worried that you will get sick of me after a while’ you said.

‘I don’t think I could ever get sick of you Y/N. Just your cooking’ Cillian chuckled before telling you that he loved you.

‘I love you too Cilly’ you said before kissing him passionately.

‘Is that a yes?’ he asked.

‘It’s a yes, thank you’ you said before pushing him back onto the bed.

‘The lunch reservation is at 1pm Y/N’ Cillian said as you hoovered over him.

‘Forget about lunch’ you responded just as you threw your t-shirt to the floor.

However, just as you were getting down to business, your phone rang, not once, but twice.

It was Max’s preschool and you knew that it was urgent.

You quickly returned the call and were told that you must pick up Max as he had a fall on the playground.

You got dressed quickly and drove to preschool to pick up Max. You were advised to go to hospital to see whether Max’s arm was broken.

Being cautious, you followed the teacher’s advice and took Max for an x-ray at hospital. Luckily, it was just a sprain which should resolve with some rest. Unfortunately, by the time you got to leave the hospital it was 6pm. You were there for hours.

Cillian suggested that you and Max come over to his place for dinner. You gladly accepted the offer and this allowed you both to talk to your kids about moving in together.

As you told them, they were beyond excited and Max was quick to arrange a sleepover for the following night.

You and Cillian agreed but, for a change, arranged a babysitter to look after your three boys allowing you to go for dinner and to the movies with your friends which was something you didn’t do very often.

Movie Night

The next evening, Cillian’s sister came over to watch the kids. This was the first time you met someone from Cillian’s family and she was quite excited to get to know you.

Apparently, Cillian had told her and his parents about you already.

After you chatted with her for half an hour, you both made your way to the restaurant.

Unfortunately for you, your friends had invited Jeremy, unaware of the fact that he continued to message you daily much to Cillian’s frustration.

Regardless of this, both you and Cillian were polite as you sat down across from Jeremy and your friends.

‘What did you guys do with the kids tonight?’ your friend Amy asked.

‘My sister is looking after them at my house’ Cillian responded.

‘What about Max?’ she asked.

‘Max is at Cillian’s house as well’ you said, which is when your friend Amy slipped the news. You had already told her that you would be moving in with Cillian just before he starts filming again.

‘Oh well, better to get used to it. Living with 4 boys soon Y/N eh? That shall be interesting’ she said.

Her comment quickly raised a lot of questions, in particular from Jeremy.

‘You really are becoming a sugar baby Y/N aren’t you?’ he said sarcastically, causing Cillian to laugh. He tried very hard to take Jeremy seriously, but it was difficult.

‘A sugar baby? Is that even a word?’ Cillian asked.

‘You know what I mean’ Jeremy said.

‘No, please enlighten me’ Cillian responded.

‘Alright’ Cillian chuckled.

‘It’s none of my business Cillian, but why is that you actors have to get involved with women who are so much younger than you?’ Jeremy said.

‘You are right, it’s none of your business Jeremy’ you said harshly while Cillian tried hard to bite his tongue.

Your friends quickly changed the conversation after that but you couldn’t keep your hands of your boyfriend that evening simply to annoy Jeremy and Cillian played along.

‘I am sorry he’s been a tool’ you whispered into Cillian’s ear as you walked to the movies with your friends.

‘I find it very difficult to remain polite around him’ Cillian said.

‘I know’ you responded just as the theatre opened.

You took your seats and, to your frustration, Jeremy sat down right next to you, causing Cillian to get annoyed.

After what Jeremy had said to you and Cillian, you refused to speak to him and largely ignored him until the movie started.

About twenty minutes into the movie, you started to get rather bored. You couldn’t believe that you had to be there for another two hours. Who decided to choose a two- and half-hour movie in French, with subtitles? Of course, you did, without doing any research.

You looked over to Cillian and noticed that he was disinterested in the movie as well and stopped reading the subtitles. It was evident, he was somewhere in dreamland, probably thinking about how he could annoy Jeremy after his most recent insult.

Noticing your boyfriend’s disinterest in the movie, you reached for his hand, running your hand over the top of his gently. You had his attention now and he gave you a warm smile for all you could tell in the dark theatre.

Taking his hand into yours, you guided it on top of your thighs which is where it sat for a while. Not getting the hint, you arched back into your seat and guided his hand further up beneath your loose cotton skirt.

Whilst you couldn’t see much, you noticed Cillian turn his head towards you. Just as he did, you guided his hand further up your thigh while biting your lip. You tried hard for your eyes not to leave the movie screen.

He finally got the hint and squeezed your thigh gently before handing you your cardigan from your bag.

You placed the cardigan across your lap just as Cillian lifted up your skirt slightly beneath it, giving him better access.

You glanced to your right to ensure that Jeremy, who was sitting next to you, didn’t see what Cillian was doing.

Luckily for you, he was intensely focused on the movie although, no doubt, your boyfriend would have preferred if Jeremy knew what you were doing. After all, Jeremy had just insulted him and it wasn’t long before Cillian and you got together, that Jeremy had told him that he would like to get into your panties.

Just as Cillian’s fingers wandered up your upper inner thigh, you released a sigh and parted your legs slightly while making sure that your cardigan provided enough cover.

By the time Cillian’s fingers reached the apex of your thighs and touched your panties, they were already damp.

You were grateful that the theatre was so dark because your skirt was up to the top of your thighs and draped over Cillian’s hand which would otherwise have been clearly noticeable beneath the thin cardigan.

You were panting with desire, just from Cillian stroking and squeezing your thighs and running his hand over your wet panties.

You slid down a bit in your chair and spread your thighs even more. The adrenaline rush had your inhibitions going out the window.

You could hear a slight chuckle from Cillian as he noticed you pushing your body down against his hand.

Just in that moment, you felt his fingers sliding your panties to the side.

Within seconds, he dipped a finger inside your wet entrance, gathering some of your natural lubrication, then moved it upwards toward your clit.

You sucked in a breath through your teeth, hissing quietly. By that time, you both had completely stopped paying attention to the movie.

Cillian started in a slow rhythm, circling your clit a few times, then dipping down shallowly into your entrance, repeating it over and over.

Your fingers were digging into his forearm on one side and onto the armrest on the other.

Your hips were moving of their own accord as you were whimpering quietly as Cillian’s fingers moved in and out of you.

Suddenly, it hit. You groaned quietly, gripping boyfriend’s hand, pushing his finger into you even deeper and grinding your clit against the palm of his hand.

Your walls clenched around his fingers as your orgasm washed over you and you couldn’t help it but let out a shallow moan.

‘Are you alright Y/N?’ Jeremy asked, noticing the sound you made while looking at you with some confusion.

‘Yes, I am fine’ you said bluntly and with a deep breath while Cillian pulled his fingers out of you with a grin on his face.

You handed Jeremy your popcorn before rearranging your skirt and handing Cillian your cardigan. At this point, he needed it more than you as his erection pushed against the zipper of his jeans.

‘Follow me’ you whispered into Cillian’s ear before standing up and excusing yourself, walking past Jeremy.

‘Where are you going?’ Jeremy asked.

‘Bathroom’ you responded. You were still annoyed with him and he wouldn’t get anything from you but stern and short answers.

Cillian waited another minute or two before following you so that he wouldn’t raise any suspicion.

You waited for him in the front of the cinema with a big smile on your face.

‘You choose the worst movies’ Cillian said with a cheeky smile.

‘I have been enjoying it so far’ you smirked before taking his hand and pulling him towards the parents’ room.

‘Y/N, I don’t think this is a good idea’ Cillian said as you locked the door behind you.

‘Relax, it’s 10pm. No one will need this room until tomorrow. We will be safe. Despite, I know you, this won’t go down any time soon unless we get to it’ you smirked as you placed your hands on Cillian’s crotch before crashing your lips onto his with haste.

Without wasting any time, you unbuttoned his jeans and pushed down his zipper before running your hand inside his briefs and stroking his hard cock.

‘You’ve got ten minutes’ you said after breaking the kiss and before turning around, leaning forward over the wash basin.

Within seconds, Cillian lifted up your skirt and pushed down your panties before lining himself up with your wet entrance.

You smiled at him in the mirror as he gently pushed your legs apart and grasped the perky butt cheeks before him.

Cillian pried them apart and stepped forward. He was flush against you and you couldn’t help it but release a soft moan.

His cock slipped between your legs, and the head glided across your sensitive lips.

‘Fuck I want you so much’ you moaned as you pushed back against him in anticipation.

Without words, Cillian pulled back a little and then pushed up into your tight tunnel.

‘Fuck’ you moaned loudly as your walls stretched to fit his length inside you.

‘You got to be quiet’ Cillian whispered from behind you as he began to thrust in and out of you.

He gave you barely a moment to brace yourself before he gripped your hips and pulled back. His cock slipped out almost the whole way before he thrust his hips forward and dived back into your heat.

Cillian set a hard pace, knowing that you didn’t have much time together before someone would get suspicious.

You could hear his laboured breathing behind you as you held onto the basin tightly.

‘God yes’ you moaned quietly as the tip of his cock hit your cervix over and over again.

Cillian smiled at your reaction and reached down to grab your thighs. He spread your legs even wider. By that time, you were on your toes, with no leverage of your own.

‘Don’t stop’ you whispered as you could feel another orgasm build up in your stomach and, within seconds, your walls constricted around him.

You cried out a little too loudly, and your whole body shook as your orgasm slammed into you.

Cillian kept his brutal thrusts up as you rode out the waves of pleasure. Your legs trembled before him and he smiled as you whimpered with every thrust.

The contractions around his cock and your moans sent Cillian over the edge also and, shortly after you came down from your high, he reached his and filled you with his warm cum.

‘Fuck Y/N’ he moaned quietly as he slowly began to relax, his face resting on the back of your shoulders, kissing them gently.

After he came down completely, he pulled out of you and you could feel the mixture of his cum and yours drip down your thighs.

Cillian handed you a paper towel but you declined the offer and simply pulled up your panties.

‘I like to remember this for the rest of the night’ you grinned before giving him another passionate kiss.

Your comment earned you a chuckle but, deep down inside, Cillian liked the thought of knowing that your panties will be wet from his cum for the remainder of the night.

After making sure that no one was around, you left the room together and made your way back to the theatre together.

‘You’ve been gone for a while. Is everything alright?’ Jeremy asked as you sat back down next to him.

‘Yeah, I had to make a phone call’ you said just as Cillian sat back down next to you.

You both had a cheeky grin on your face as you watched the rest of the movie.

‘The movie was great, wasn’t it?’ your friend Alice asked as you left the theatre and Jeremy agreed simply because he knew that you chose it.

‘What did you think about the twist towards the end Cilly?’ she then asked.

‘Yeah, uhm…yeah it was alright’ Cillian said, not knowing what she was talking about.

‘There was a twist?’ you whispered to Cillian as you walked outside the theatre.

‘I think we missed the majority of the plot babe’ Cillian whispered back before taking your hand into his and following the others to the pub.

Jeremy kept starring at you and Cillian and you could notice the frustration on his face. You enjoyed it, a lot.

Later at the pub, Cillian received the usual attention from some young females. It always made you chuckle but it really annoyed Jeremy.

Despite the fact that Cillian enjoyed Jeremy getting annoyed, it soon became too much for him and, after about three drinks, you both decided to leave.

Getting Down to Business

You called a taxi and drove back to Cillian’s house.

‘It’s unbelievable’ you giggled sheepishly and slightly tipsy from the three gin and tonics you had earlier.

‘What is?’ Cillian asked, closing the door behind you.

‘All the attention you get from all of these young women every time we go out’ you said.

‘What can I say, it’s Tommy Shelby Effect’ Cillian laughed.

‘Hmm I think I get it’ you said and, just after this comment, you kissed him passionately just as his sister walked out of the living room.

‘Alright, I am going’ his sister chuckled.

You both thanked her for looking after the children and made your way to the shower. You both smelled like beer and popcorn.

Just as you got into the large shower together and were talking about the evening, Cillian couldn’t help it but complain about Jeremy.

‘You know, I am yours Cillian!’ you said as you ran your hands over his chest.

‘You are mine, are you?’ he chuckled in response to your comment which reminded him on his script for Season 5 of Peaky Blinders.

‘Yes…’ you whispered into his ear just before biting his earlobe gently while the hot water ran down in between you.

Cillian’s hands soon moved from your back down to your naked butt cheeks while his lips kissed the bare skin on your neck.

‘I love you Y/N’ he said in between kisses.

‘I love you too Cillian and I want you to fuck me as if you own me’ you whispered. ‘Take me the way you want to’ you added seductively.

‘You’ve been watching too much of this TV show’ Cillian said with a chuckle, referring to a new TV documentary series that you were watching on Netflix about BDSM.

‘It’s intriguing though, isn’t it?’ you asked running your hands over Cillian’s chest and down in between his legs. He grew hard almost instantly as you touched him.

Your face was inches away from his and you could see pure hunger and lust aflame in his eyes as you were stroking him gently. His warm breath fanned over your face like an aphrodisiac and the want in his eyes was intoxicating.

He remembered the last episode of the documentary quite well and grabbed your hair at the back of your head gently, causing the hot water to run down your breasts.

You bit your lip with excitement, fire building up in your eyes.

‘You really want to try this don’t you?’ Cillian asked, causing you to nod.

‘Alright’ he sighed with a smile and, with his free arm, he pushed you onto your knees almost instantly.

That’s it, exactly what you wanted.

He pulled on your hair, making you look up at him while you were biting your lips.

You suddenly felt a wretch in your stomach. Cillian wasn’t normally that forceful with you and you knew that, for him, it was a roleplay more than anything. Being with an actor clearly had its perks.

‘Is this what you want?’ he asked, causing you to nod again.

With his hand still firmly in your hair, he guided your mouth towards his hard cock.

You open your mouth willingly and, within one thrust, the head of his hard cock hits the back of your throat, making you gag.

You didn’t even try to pull away and he slowly and deeply began to thrust in and out of your mouth, giving your barely enough time to breath.

You gave into his rhythm as the warm water was running over your back.

‘God, your mouth feels amazing’ Cillian moaned, knowing that you enjoy it when he is talking to you while were intimate. You loved the sound of his voice.

Just as you got used to the sensation of being forced up and down his cock, he began to tweak one of your erect nipples with his free hand, causing you to moan around him.

‘Good girl, keep going’ Cillian said with a slight smirk as he toys with your nipple, pulling and rolling it between his fingers.

The pit of your stomach was set aflame and your thighs were slick with your juices.

With his cock in your mouth and your nipples being aroused, you are under sensory overload.

As he continued to thrust in and out of your mouth, you closed your eyes trying to concentrate on the raw pleasure that was radiating from your body in waves.

‘Look at me’ he demanded, causing you to open your eyes again and dig your hands into his thighs as he kept going.

‘That’s it’ he moaned, thrusting into your mouth a few more times before pulling you away from his throbbing cock and your mouth comes off with a satisfying pop.

Some small tears were running down your cheeks, your mouth sore from opening so widely and your hair was still in his hands. He roughly wiped away the saliva around your mouth and wrapped his hand around your throat gently.

You looked up into his blue eyes and wanted nothing more than for him to take you, fuck you hard.

‘Common, let’s take this to the bedroom’ he said as he began to notice the water getting cold.

‘Yes sir’ you winked, earning him a chuckle.

‘You defiantly are serious, aren’t you?’ Cillian said as you dried each other off. He was slightly out of his comfort zone but decided to play along as he could see the desire in your eyes. You were by far the most adventurous and kinky woman he’s ever been with.

Moments later, you made your way to Cillian’s bedroom.

‘I don’t think so’ Cillian said firmly as you reached the edge of the bed.

With his hand on your throat gently again and the other on your waist, he guided you towards the large reading desk in the bedroom.

‘Turn around’ he instructed and, as soon as you complied, he pushed you down onto the table.

Just as you your face leaned against the cold wood, he took both of your arms and secured both your hands behind your back.

Electricity shot down your spine as you tried to struggle out of his grasp teasingly.

You were completely under his control just as you wanted.

He put your two wrists wrapped around one hand and with the other, slowly traced a finger up your inner thigh.

You bit your bottom lip to keep yourself from moaning too loudly.

Cillian took his time, exploring every inch of your thighs and ass.

‘So sexy’ Cillian said as his fingers brushed against your wet folds, causing you to whimper.

He continued to run his fingers up and down your pussy, teasing to put his fingers in.

You whined and struggled against his grasp, your wetness started trailing down your thighs.

‘Oh god yes’ you moaned as Cillian slowly eased his fingers inside, scissoring his fingers as he went.

‘Shh’ Cillian said, knowing that you had to remain quiet with the boys in the next room.

Your mind went blank as pleasure shot through your nerves, spreading like wildfire.

Cillian’s fingers swirled around inside of you languidly, leaving no space unexplored and, moments later, he brushed against your g-spot causing you to jerk.

‘Stay still’ he said as he pressed his body down, immobilizing yours.

He knew very well that you liked to squirm when he reached your sweet spot as the intensity was too overpowering.

This time, you wouldn’t get away, no matter how hard you try.

‘Oh god Cillian, please’ you yelped, the feeling of his fingers on your g-spot being too much for you to handle.

But Cillian wouldn’t let you squirm away and you soon learned that you had to just give in, surrender to him.

But, just as you relaxed and could feel your orgasm approach, he pulled his fingers out of you.

‘Did I say you could come?’ he teased as he placed his fingers into your mouth, making you taste your wet juices.

‘No sorry’ you said, hoping that he would put his fingers back inside of you.

‘Sorry what?’ Cillian asked sheepishly.

‘Sorry Sir’ you grinned just before you ran your tongue along the length of his fingers.

‘Good girl’ he whispered just as he trailed his fingers back down towards your wet entrance.

Within seconds, they entered you again and continued where they left off.

You tried hard not to come right away and, after several more minutes, you couldn’t control it any longer.

‘Cillian please, can I come?’ you moaned, your walls already beginning to contract around his fingers.

‘No Y/N, you cannot’ he said, withdrawing his fingers once again, pulling your head back on your hair and kissing you passionately.

Just as he pushed you back down, you could feel him line himself up with your entrance.

Your hands were still pinned behind your back as he pressed the tip of his cock into you slowly. Your walls clench instinctively.

‘Don’t you dare come until I’ve given you permission’ he murmured into your ear as he pushes into you torturously slow.

‘I promise I won’t come without permission’ you said as you could feel Cillian’s body against yours and his hands gripping over your hands pinned behind your back and your hair.

‘Good girl’ he whispered as he continued to push inside you slowly until he was completely inside.

You tried to wriggle so you could adjust to his size, but Cillian held you in place. He slowly moved out until only the tip remained inside and thrusts back in deeply.

You moaned loudly into the table as he continued his rhythm, fucking you slowly but deeply. Your mind blanks, pleasure rocking through your body.

You could feel him tighten his grip over your hands as he slowly pulls out and slams into you, eliciting a yelp.

‘Yes, oh god, yes’ you moaned loudly as he began to pick up the pace, knocking you almost breathless.

Your moans caused Cillian to place one of his hands over your mouth gently. You were way too loud.

You felt like a wound-up toy, yearning to be released from the tension. With every thrust, you come closer to your orgasm. He's hitting you fast and deeply, but not enough to send your over the edge. You whine and whimper, weakly struggling against his body. You are so close, teetering on a cliff.

‘Please’ you moaned into his, desperate for your release.

‘Please what?’ Cillian asked as he thrusts in and out of you and removing his hand for just one moment to allow you to speak.

‘Please let me come’ you responded.

‘You will need to do better than that’ Cillian said as he thrusts into you even deeper.

‘I do anything, please’ you moaned, your walls beginning to clench around him.

‘Anything? Hmm, alright, that seems like a fair deal’ Cillian said picking up the speed.

With those words, you let go. Pleasure rocked through your body like a wave.

You tried to fight the feeling of falling and flying at the same time as your orgasm washed over you.

Cillian moaned at the same time as he felt your tight walls close around his cock and, with three more thrusts, he came inside of you.

You could feel his cock throb inside of you as your legs shake from the powerful orgasm.

Just as you both came down from your high, he slowly pulled out of you, causing some of his cum to leak out.

He released your hands and helped you up from the desk.

You turned around to face him and, with one of your hands, you reached in between your legs collecting some of his cum before licking it from your fingers suggestively.

‘I enjoyed this’ you smirked, causing Cillian to stare at you in disbelieve.

‘You are naughty, aren’t you?’ he chuckled just before giving you a kiss.

‘Yes I am’ you smirked before you both made your way to the bed.

By that time you were exhausted.

You curled up in each other’s arms and shared some gentle moments together.

‘I am looking forward to sleeping in this bed with you every night’ you said.

‘So do I’ Cillian responded, before turning off the light.

Morning After

The next morning, you got woken up by the smell of pancakes and three missed calls.

Your father had tried to call you to congratulate Max on his recent soccer medal.

You returned the call and handed the phone to Max while you joined Cillian in the kitchen for a coffee. Just as you were drinking your coffee, you listened to Max speak to his grandfather on speaker.

‘So how have you been Max?’ grandpa asked.

‘Good poppy, we are having pancakes’ Max said.

‘Mum made pancakes? Do they taste any good?’ grandpa laughed.

‘No Cillian made pancakes. Mum and I are moving to his house soon and then we can have pancakes every weekend’ Max said.

‘Cillian? Who is Cillian?’ grandpa asked.

‘Mum’s boyfriend’ Max responded, causing you to choke on your coffee.

‘Can you please put your mother on the phone’ he said.

To be continued…..

‘

#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #Cillian Murphy x Reader #cillian murphy imagine

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the-shared-brain-in-retrograde · 3 years

Text

Spiderman: Homecoming

A joint review...

We're trying to have one unproblematic week, ironically with the most problematic person in the MCU (according to some people... he hasn't wronged us yet!) so enjoy.

Let it be known we're in much better spirits than last week (although we have just had a little spat about an outburst Becks had last night, but we won't dwell on that and Cassandra knows what she did to deserve it - ah to be in control of the typing makes Becks all powerful, POWERFUL!) Right, on to Spiderman.

Adrian Toomes

We were totes on the side of Adrian Toomes (which is apparently his name, although we didn't hear it) he was fucked over, that man deserved to be punched, and we love to see small businesses thriving. He did take things a bit far, going from underdog start up, making an empire from the ruins of his misfortune, to really wanting to kill that one kid. But I guess if he keeps foiling your plans its going to start getting irksome. The brain differs a little here, harking back to Steve dropping that walkway on Peter in Civil War, does he deserve it or should you just be nice to the little puppy dog?

@becksxoxo: I loved it when Toomes just lost his shit, sort of forgot all about the alien tech he was after and just wanted to kill Peter. I love Peter, he's totes adorbs, but I can see how he could really piss you off with his constant presence. For the record though I don't want him to die. I also enjoyed that they took their fight on the road, over to the fairground. Got to see the Cyclone. You know who rode the Cyclone...[there was more to this sentence in my notes but I have chosen to keep it to myself, this being unproblematic week]

@cassandrafey: I was furious about this. Absolutely seething when he kept getting progressively more violent with Peter. Honestly, if you are a grown man and your nemesis is an actual child you should think on a bit! Also, he said he was willing to kill him to protect his family but Peter wasn’t actually threatening them was he? Just you, cos you had done wrong and were scared of them finding out you’d bought them all nice things with money from alien tech weapons. So just you think on, and leave the kid alone you absolute lunatic!

His bird costume was a little much, but if you're gonna go super villain may as well go full out. Cass did not like his wing fingers, and also felt he didn't pull it off as well as other people who also utilise flight as a mode of transportation (bird costumes), and his glowing green eyes split the room. Becks was in favour and Cass wasn't (what I would like to add is that wasn't what was mentioned in the first draft, but as we are striving for unproblematic and not NC17 we did some editing), she found it terrifying, which Becks' pointed out was sort of the point. Also, Becks' dad went on holiday last week and has bought himself a bomber jack that is near identical to Toomes' one, and there is now a worry that he might also be becoming a super villain, although Cass and I have discussed it and in the long term we think we will support it, for some of the other benefits it will bring. Also he has just retired and so needs something to occupy his time, and also living with my mother will turn anyone into a super villain, it’s an origin story waiting to happen (so says Becks, Cass is wisely staying out of this one).

Adrian is also one of the smarter people in the film as he manages to work out the link between Peter and Spiderman. Every one else in the film, including all them kids and teachers at the smart school for smart people really just skim over the fact they're never in the same room as the same time. We also gave him big props for not selling Peter out to his prison pals, we liked that.

As a villain we liked him, we didn't want him to win, but we got his motives and he did it well. We didn't get hot villain vibes, which is always a shame, but I'm sure Michael Keaton will get over it.

Aaron Davis

Sticking with the baddies, we shall now say how much we love Donald Glover. Its always a treat to see him. He's a good egg. He's just good at everything he does. Cass would like to say that Redbone is a sublime song, and Becks is drinking out of her Troy and Abed in the Morning mug as we speak. The whole scene where Peter is trying to intimidate and interrogate him in the car park is just cracking. He's sexy, he's scary, he's helpful and he's funny (the four main food groups, we’re not too fussed about smarts it seems - give us that himbo energy please) and we're sorry his ice cream melted.

Peter Parker

We should probably now mentioned Spiderman, what with this being his film and all that. His little home videos of his trip to Germany really struck a chord with the pair of us, because we too are annoying idiots who blog things for fun and no profit...(although it only takes Kevin Feige to see just one of these... Feigey, the Feigmeister, Feige Fi Fo Fum - aaand we've blown it.) Cass, in her notes, has described Peter as being like if a Wizard made a puppy human. By which she meant cute and enthusiastic and not, as Becks thought, concerned about whether he is house trained or not. We loved seeing him as just a plain teenage boy, a wholesome kind teenage boy (which is nice because some teenage boys, and just feeble minded men in general, oft deviate from wholesome and trip all the way into cuntishness) who hung out with friends, had silly little in jokes and endured high school.

We loved how quickly he made friends with the suit lady (Karen) and how he rescued both the man and the cat from the bodega. His constant messages to Happy and his struggle to be the best he could be all the time just made him so adorably relatable. Speaking of Suit Lady she is a little bit trigger happy with the instant kill, but that can be a loveable characteristic right Cass? Its also reassuring that he has someone sort of with whilst getting into peril, otherwise we would be worried. We don't want him to be alone. When he is stuck in the rubble of that building, alone and scared, our hearts broke. But we knew he'd be alright because he is resilient, and you can't kill off sunshine.

He does need to work on his poker face though. You can't be breaking out into cold sweats when you see the bad guy, especially when you're not wearing your mask. People can see you. We also hope he takes on Aaron Davis' advice on chatting up criminals, but I guess we shall see in his next outing.

His relationship with other characters was also what made us love this film. His relationship with Happy, with Tony, with Ned and with May. He's just good and we love him for it. Sure he gets a little carried away, and breaks a ship or two, but who hasn't?

Ned

We also love Ned. He's adorable, and takes on the news that his best friend is a superhero very well. His questions were a bit too much, and Becks hurt herself snorting when he asked is Peter laid eggs, although perhaps we would have all those same questions. We would also have questioned the hat, but then perhaps we won't given our own teenage fashion choices. He is the perfect chair guy, and the way he took the hit to hide Peter's adventures was perfect.

"I was looking at porn."

Such a cutie. Also impressive web-slinging when needed.

Both of us made a note of Peter and Ned's secret handshake. We don't have a secret handshake. Should we have a secret handshake? Handshakes are a very sensitive subject for Becks, but perhaps this could be the breakthrough we need.

It’s sad that MJ isn't in the film more, as we like her very much. The snark, the intelligence and the sheer joy she feels in other people's misery. We wish she was our friend. Also we reckon she knows.

And we certainly liked MJ more than we liked Liz, who doesn't invite people to whole school events unless she's forced to or bumps into them in a hallway. Also, why was she dressed like a 28 year old secretary at her house party? We hope you enjoy Oregon, so much that you don't return. Bye Liz. (But also did feel bad that Peter was more into your dad than you...)

Peter and Ned's other high school chums brought up a fun game of Fuck Marry Kill that we thought we might play in the blog, but then decided it was maybe for the best that we didn't because, to quote Cass, it might lead to some cuntish behaviour. Becks doesn't know what she might be referring to, at all. Cass thinks by aborting the game she has saved Becks from having to make another public apology for her calculatedly troubling hypotheticals…

Tony Stark

Tony and Peter's relationship is one of our favourites. Tony is clearly trying not to be Howard and its good to see him focused on something positive, and looking out for the wellbeing of Peter. As we may have previously mentioned this might be improved on if he'd maybe talked to Peter a bit more, and not left him spiralling. Peter doesn't know you're constantly thinking about him, he doesn't have amazing mind reading spider skills. We wish they had had a hug, and this scene also trigger Becks for handshaking reasons. Because yes Peter, Tony did make it seem like he wanted a hug and wasn't just grabbing for the door, some people should be more clear in their intensions when they come at you, arms outstretched.

There were also moments when Tony sort of troubled both our finances. It occurred when he activated full angry dad mode, make of that what you will...

Can we also mentioned that him and Pepper seemed to now be fine, fine enough to causally get engaged. What the fuck is going on? Did we miss something? Was another giant bunny bought?

Happy Hogan

Happy Hogan. A little bit shit at his job, and always very stressed. At one point he is lurking in the school toilets and we really questioned that, because if he was doing that to avoid looking suspicious he really missed the mark. We also wouldn't hire him to move our furniture. Did Tony have any belongings left after that? What were you letting the robot do, picking up that vase in the first? We do love him as a grumpy babysitter though, even if he did properly drop the ball in paying more attention to boxing up shit than the needy super boy who texts him every five minutes. If we were to get absolutely shit faced on a night out, as is our want to do, we could rely on him to get us safely home though. Home to Stark Towers and the Avengers Sleepover Club of Dreams.

Aunt May

Aunt May is hands down one of the best parents in the MCU. She's involved in her kid's life, she cares about him, she dispenses good advice and she looks hot while doing it. Good hair, great trousers, the glasses. Also, now she knows what is going on, shit is going to go down, because she is a responsible adult. We larb her. 10/10

And finally, we come to the best moments of the film, according to some people [its @becksxoxo becks is some people] the Captain America School Videos. Oscar worthy in their own right. The whole series sends Becks funny, and Cass is still trying to get over him flipping that chair round before sitting down. Cass likes to imagine the other Avengers getting hold of these little videos and ripping the shit out of him at film nights, the real reason he had to engineer a break up of the whole team so that he could run away from the bullying.

We proper enjoyed ourselves watching this film. It was funny, it was poignant and it had a number of very good backflips. We've never seen a spider do a backflip, and perhaps if we did we'd like them more, but if we developed the skill to be able to backflip like that we probs wouldn't move about it in any other manner.

Also the bloopers for this film (cos we watched it on DVD) are brilliant, and it’s just nice to see them all being friends IRL. Perhaps if we'd watched the bloopers from Civil War last week wouldn't have been so bad. But let’s not think about that. It’s unproblematic week, and so it shall stay.

There seems to be some debate over which film is next but we're gonna go with Black Panther. So there.

love cass and becks

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anunvalidcritic · 3 years

Text

Justice League: Snyder Cut

(DISCLAIMER: MY OPINION IS MY OWN AND CAN BE DEEMED INVALID TO THOSE WHO DON’T CARE FOR IT.)

Oh, the time has come my friends! Now, I originally did a review on Batman V.S. Superman and I didn’t care for it, so I deleted it. But before I start, I would like y’all to read this statement made by @verified-villain-fxcker - You can click HERE to read it. As I stated in my repost, I couldn’t have said it better. May Autumn Snyder continue to rest in peace. Let’s get started!

It’s been so long since I’ve made a post I can’t even remember how I do this LOL.

CLARK is outta there to say the least...

WONDER WOMAN and LOIS look flabbergasted, as they should... BRUCE as well.

Talk about a shock-wave scream

All jokes aside, the hate that LEX has towards SUPERMAN is just to much energy to be giving to another person..

THESE BITCHIES ARE READY

why are they letting a minority approach the fucking the cube?!?!

*insert travel montage scene here*

Part 1 - “Don’t count on it, Batman.”

BRUCE knows damn well he’s talking to AQUAMAN. Let’s move this shit along lol

“Oh Gotham? How’s that shit hole?” - AQUAMAN

Ik these bitchies aren’t singing rofl

I’d sniff anything wore by Jason Momoa too.

“Maybe a man who broods in a cave isn’t cut out to be a recruiter.” - ALFRED

TALK YO SHIT ALFRED!!!!

AMY ADAMS can literally take my heart, step on it, throw it in a river and I still wouldn’t be mad.

Here comes the lovely WONDER WOMAN!

broooo her hands were moving like Donnie Yen in Ip Man!

Fucked that entire ceiling up

Ofc the one who tried to touch it would make the stupid statement.

STEPPENWOLF is really wildin’ out

Don’t look back! I hate it when they look back!!

These are some strong as women!

PART 2 - “The Age of Heroes”

“It’s toxic, that’s good.” - STEPPENWOLF

I can only imagine that this is how toxic people think.

this dude really just threw that lil demon fella like it was nothin’ lmao

You know you're working at a job for too long when you say this is the first time in a while that they're going home early smdh

Now that shit was pretty lit....

SILAS thinkin’ shit I better check on my son.

“You know a lot about monsters, don’t you? Especially how to make them.” - CYBORG

If that isn’t teen angst, then I don’t know wtf is lmao

Seeing Gal in this tomb makes me want to re-watch Wonder Woman 1 all over again!

DARKSEID ol’ trifflin’ ass

plopped him down like he was dirty laundry

God bless Willem Dafoe, this man is a fuckin’ legend!

“This world is divided. They’re a primitive species. Unevolved and at war with one another. Too separate to be one.” - STEPPENWOLF

DeSaad kinda looks like Doctor Doom in the Fantasic Four reboot lmao

GREEN LATERNS!!!!!!!!!!!! OH SHIT!!!!!!!!

we really need a Green Lantern Corps moving...

ZEUS + ARES = A Dynamic Duo When They Aren’t Being Dicks To Each Other

You know I feel bad for man because all they did was bury that shit in the ground rofl

Part 3 - “Beloved Mother, Beloved Son”

BARRY + IRIS = Love at First Sight

The burger can’t be that good like damn.

Bro the detail on his fucking shoes and the glass!!

ROFL PLEASE TELL ME HE TOOK THE HOTDOG FOR HIS DOG!?!?

damn did the car really need to explode...

lol BARRY must really need the job lol

... I would’ve just played dead after he threw me against that rock...

Man of Steel probably has one of the best soundtracks not just for a superhero movie but just in general

Americans love their football!

I have this love-hate relationship with CYBORG being in the JL and not with the TITANS you know since he’s a kid, but he’s a college student in this one.

Thank God DIANA spoke with VICTOR instead of BRUCE because I honestly don’t think he would’ve gotten him on board.

Everyone can literally zigzag zoom across this planet at undeniable speed except for BATMAN lol

Come on, VIC, help the lady out.

You know honestly, BARRY has a pretty cool pad for someone who's trying to get by paying for a Criminal Justice Degree.

“A very attractive Jewish boy. Who drinks milk, I don’t drink milk.” - BARRY

“Fuck the World.” - CYBORG

dang Ik DIANA has every right to grieve over STEVE, but damn that man has her whipped!

“You’re looking at the hottest thing on Earth. The exact same thing I said to my prom date. She dumped me anyway.” - RYAN CHOI

Why does MERA have an accent in this but not in AQUAMAN?? (ik the answer)

DAAAYYUUUMMMN MERA TURNED INTO A WHOLE BLOOD BENDER!

PART 4 - “Change Machine”

CYBORG just glided over silently

STEPPENWOLF + WONDER WOMAN = EPIC FIGHT SCENE

Seeing BARRY move like that to stop the debris and to ping DIANA’S sword really is amazing..

But he should not be screaming like that LOL

How do you not remember the planet that’s habitants almost killed you?? Because if that was me, I wouldn’t have forgotten that shit at all!

Would've held a big ass grudge until I could go back.

“I know we’re all thinking the same thing right now. Who’s gonna say it? I’m not gonna say it.” - BARRY

WOOOAAHHH J’ONN JONES?! (forgot about that)

“There are six, not five. There is no us without him.” - BRUCE

Damn, no faith at all

PART 5 - “ALL The King’s Horses”

ICONIC DIALOGUE

BARRY - “Wonder Woman. What do you think, man? You think she’d go for a younger guy?”

VICTOR - “She’s 5,000 years old, Barry. Every guy is a younger guy.”

I would’ve kept swippin’ that ID like a cashier at Wal-Mart swippin’ a debit card.

They're movin’ a little too slow for me. Ik they’ve never been on the ship before, but I would’ve been zoomin’ through that entire ship just to hurry and get the job done.

NOT THE PREGNANCY TEST

Damn, they couldn’t have at least picked up the photo??

The foreshadowing was spectacular! It will always amaze me.

I’m sure Allstate will cover that person’s car...

Just when LOIS was about to move on.

CLARK grabbed DIANA like miss me with that Rafiki shit.

I would’ve come back to my senses too after looking at Amy Adams.

AQUAMAN + THE FLASH = A CONUNDRUM

DR. SILAS takin’ one for the team

PART 6 - “Something Darker”

As crazy as radiation is, it’s quite an amazing spectacle.

I wish this Justice League movie could’ve held off until we got some other heroes such as the Green Lanterns, Hawkgirl, and many others.

Our generation was truly blessed to have an incredible actor as SUPERMAN, and we are not putting him to use!

JONATHAN sounds like President Biden lol

Alright, team?! Break!

AQUAMAN is totally enjoying this fight. He rode that Parademon like a surfboard.

AQUAMAN + CYBORG + FLASH = *THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN*

I swear every scene that WONDER WOMAN enters into does not fail to include the “Ancient Lamentation Music”.

VICTOR hurry up and say “one” god damnnit!!

SUPERMAN COLD!!!!

Somebody needs to put this fight on WorldStar

BARRY = HE’S A RUNNA HE’S A TRACK STAHHHHARRR!!!

THAT WAS FUCKING IMMACULATE

The Unity = The Three Bitchies

I bet DARKSEID will remember that shit now

EPILOGUE - “A Father Twice Over”

VICTOR = A Final Requiem

LOL VULKO and MERA look stressed tf out!

“Uh, I have too much to live for. And more important things to do.” - LEX

A cocky motherfucker LMAO

Alright, we’re back in this type of dream sequence.

“Who have you ever loved?” - MERA

Uh, bitch his parents, Robin tf?!

Thank you, JOKER, for stating the facts for Ms. Fish-stick

Oh shit, they let LOIS die, goddamn it!

HARLEY’S DEAD TOO?!?!?!

BRUCE LOOK SICK AF!!!

Well, the dream is over once again...

I just don’t see how people can live with all those fuckin’ windows.

“Oh, and some have called me The Martian Manhunter.” - J’ONN

Alright...

________

Yes, the movie was long but what needed to be expressed was. As we already the Snyder Cut wasn’t supposed to be seen because a father simply wanted to grieve the death of his child. I’ll once again reiterate what @verified-villain-fxcker you don't have to like the film but at least give it the benefit of the doubt from its predecessor. For me, I did enjoy watching his version, but let’s be honest what he who shall not be named did was just fucked up.

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nevergonnasimpyoumikey · 3 years

Note

I must say I have to highly disagree with the other anons on here about how you write Amanda.

I'm just gonna come out and say it but I really like the Amanda in the game and this is mainly thanks to Vicki van Tassel's amazing performance of the character. (like seriously I got tears in my eyes during some of the friendly hang-outs between her and Michael because of how well done the voice acting for that was, like you could feel Amanda's pain and sadness in some of the scenes) Amanda's a strong-willed character but there also is a tired aurora to her which once again the fact Tassel can change from angry to sad-angry. I could gush about how well-written this character is but I won't because that would take hours.

Which is why I often find myself disappointed when I find her discussed in both professional done journalist reviews (cringes in Nathan Ditum comparing the female characters in the game to dogs) to the cesspool of "gamer boys" discourse to even here on trikey related...I often find trikey fics where Amanda is present tiring...even though I myself ship trikey. Many fics often nerf Amanda's story...shaving it down to make her more hate-able or cutting out the more..."unrelatable" parts of her being a stripper with a controlling mother or making her some weepy woman on par with most of the women in any film directed by Michael Bay.

As much as I love trikey stories I often find myself only being able to like a handful of fics with Amanda present and I am happy to say your fic is on that list.

The fact you don't nerf Amanda's backstory is very much appreciated. I also like how you show that Amanda does mean something to Michael and don't try to erase the importance of that relationship in his life nor the pain his carelessness and meanness has caused her. You also don't erase her "I take no shit" personality.

I love the way you write Amanda.

Also in regards to the "bleeter" controversy, I must say I loved this aspect of the fic because the impact of social media in the GTA V storyline NEVER gets talked about in fics and I really liked that you put it here. I didn't find it "offensive" because it was simply a very real portrayal of how many straight women see gay couples. There has been this weird push to see gay men as "cute" and I think this addition to the story really says a lot about this but is also a great example of fanfiction catering to the world-building of the original source material and also how satire is done well.

I also agree that everyone can and should write whatever types of characters they want...including queer ones.

Thank you for the message and the compliments!

I've listened to Michael and Amanda's hangouts so many times in order to 1) figure out their past as much as possible and 2) get her dialogue sounding in-character in fics, both of which are very important things to me when I write. And I agree: the sad/angry/disappointed Amanda just hits me right in the feels. They have hurt each other so much even when they must have been good together at some point. They're mean and shout abuse at each other and it hurts me to see that. That's why I often say that they should divorce, although I do appreciate writers who write about them fixing things. Maybe I'll manage that myself one day, but most of my fic ideas focusing on her (6/8) are on the angsty side. :'D

I was going to say something else but I forgot what it was :'D Anyway, thank you so much for the feedback!

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bangtanger · 3 years

Text

CONTENT CREATOR YEAR IN REVIEW

was thinking for 84 hours where should i post it but as its my creator blog i m doing it here <3 i was tagged by @taemaknae @suhdays @ynki @honsool @jjeongukie @taeyungie @dearbangtansonyeondan @lifegoesmon @everythingoes @flipthatjacketjiminie @yoongi-bts @jiminslight @hopekidoki @cowboyjinbop @yoonqiful @jcngkooks @pjmsdior @hobeah @balenciaguks @jinvant @hobibestboy @vjimin @yoongikook AND THANK U SO MUCH FOR INCLUDING ME T_T ik maybe its not a big deal but its a big deal to me and im touched :(((((((((((( also gimme some time to check all ur posts 👉👈 also im in a mood to say that ive collected many pokemons here djfksfhsakjddld ok nvm

also sorry for a long post ik tmblr fvcks things up sometimes when there is keep reading so dont fight me plz <3

❀ first creation and most recent creation of 2020

ok this is the fist one (still very pleased with colouring here T_T the stage lighting was,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, well yeah as always lmao) and this is the most recent (TBH DKJSKDSDK I WISH MY MOST RECENT POST COULD BE A DIFFERENT ONE THE ONE I WANNA MAKE FOR A MONTH NOW THE ONE ID PUT A LOT MORE EFFORTS IN SO IM A LIL FRUSTRATED i literally just missed giffing but couldnt watch anything new so took an old vid i wanted to gif once I DIDNT EVEN USE MYCOLOURING PSD IT LITERALLY HAS ONLY COUPLE OF LAYERS uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :( but whatever,,, it just kinda doesnt show the difference -_-)

❀ a creation u r really proud of

well 👁👄👁 there r quite few,,, and the main reason is colouring most of these r comps and i a b s o l u t e l y sucked at comps and esp at making the colouring consistent there lol so lets begin lol 1 (u have no idea how muchi love this set) 2 (i fucking mastered it i wanted to remake it for two years and i finally did!! 60 fps smooth good moments iconic performance iconic hair colour his attitude bruh and ofc the fact that i could do sth with colouring,,,,,, and chose such an unusual colour scheme that i doubted jckdckfdk and it still worked out 🥺) 3 (lol i had this idea written down since 2018 as well and this year i could finally collect all moments i needed and oh boi yeah,,, AND COLOURING I COULD ALMOST yeah almost do sth decent with it there r still couple moments id changed but im pleased) 4 (im so happy whenevr i see this CUZ IT ALL WORKED OUT it was such an impulsive comp i literally only saw couple moments for past few years as well where i could see three of them in one frame and suddenly I WAS LIKE I FUCKING MUST POST THOSE MOMENTS SOMEHOW and im so proud of colouring it looks so well T_T) 5 (the colouring ofc im still :o that i could get rid of that shitty shit dkksjkj AND THE MOMENTS ITSELF?????? AND BLACK SWAN???????? EVERY PERFORMANCE???? HAIR?????? OUTFIT???????? EVRERYHTIGNM???????? HIS FUCKING STARE? FACE??? DONT MAKE ME CONTINUE AAAAAAAAAAA also if im not wrong this set in particular made me start my before/after posts 🥺) 6 (i jujst love everything about it e v e r yt h i n g also i could made ppl believe that jin fr has purple hair here when in reality its brown djhfdhskdf one of blending modes or adjustment layers worked this way lol) 7 (i wont even comment this tried a great tutorial with great beautiful resuls for the first time ever and it worked out so well and i like it so much and the whole yoongi here,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, also love me some borders that add cinematic feels to some gifs or just make them pretty in a dif way just like i did with prev post i mentioned imo lol) OK LAST ONE 8 (I USED A VIDEO OF STARS AND ADDED IT TO THE GIF FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I FUCKED WITHMASKING FOR 3 HOURS GRRRRRRRR THIS IS SO HUGE FOR ME!!!!! i cant even explain whew IVE NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE SO I WAS REALLY PROUD TOO even tho i fucked masking up on some layers lmao but lets not pay too much attention to it 👀)

❀ a creation that took u forever

ohhhhhhhh i think this one cuz the moments were long i couldnt decide what do i want to include + it ts file so u kno,,, the speed,,, of processing,, + somehow decided to put them all together + fucked with colouring + had to get rid of the logo and as we know japan likes a lot of big braight text around haha and draw hair in moments where logo made it look blurry + had to adjust the order and all that stuff but getting rid of logo was the longest part

❀ a creation from 2020 that received the most notes

whew this iconic one im still amazed tbh they looked soso incredible and im glad how everything turned out here <3 (could change some colouring on bg tho so it could look better and more hq :c)

❀ a creation u think deserved more notes

lol this one cuz i was so hyped to make it cuz their concert in saudi arabia is one of my fav things in the world and i waited for so long to have mood and energy to go throught it to find jk moments and i couldnt choose some for this comp for so long and just,,,,,, overall,,,, the way he looks here............................................................... its a special comp to me haha ill def gif more of it i have shit ton of clips left and also there r other members and i just want to sit and enjoy yhe whole thing to so may find more stuff to gif here lol

❀ a new fandom u joined an a creation u made for it

i didnt join anything heurheru

❀ a creation u made that breaks ur heart

OKAY LISTEN DSJAKDJHFDKJ THIS ONE IF U KNOW U KNOW AND IM SURE IT BREAKS ALMOST EVERY HEART tbh whenever i see soft smiles or soft interactions or anything like this im just :’( <3 even my serotonin boost tag does it to me cuz its too precious T_T

❀ a ‘simple’ creation that u really love

this one cuz everything about it ah and this one 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

❀ a creation that was inspired by someone else

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk maybe this one ? cuz i never did anything like this before and maybe i saw someones beautiful headers and decided to try one too ? i could do a lot better there is not enough depth but oh well,,, lol

❀ a favourite creatin created by someone else

oh its gonna be hard :) dear every conten creator i hope u dont mind if i wont go though the whole 2020 gif tag but choose form the most recent ones i loved? u know how much i appreciate ur content cuz i never stop screaming about it in tags but truly there r more content makers and i want u to know that i really love ur content :(

@syubb welllllllllllll i wont even comment this is iconique.....

@jinv T_T val i miss u but there should be bday comps with that BIG ASS IMAGE THAT HAS ITS PARTS ON EVERY SINGLE GIF I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN that icant even find dfjksfskj

@jung-koook i literally couldnt choose ehdskjdjksd but i decided this one cuz its sososososososososososososososososososososo well made every single detail here is chefs kiss

@kkulmoon i truly really cant get enough of ur colouring lately T_T

@minhope !!!!!!LITERALLY EVERY PANTONE COMP OR ESPECIALLY 7 YEARS WITH BTS PANTONE ONE IM AAAAAAAAAAAAA and lmao i think this is one of the most reposted things ive ever seen on internet T_T

@jjoon hng amy u know how i feel about ur content T_T decided this one cuz f l a w l e s s

@hopekidoki stuff like this makes my jaw lie in the floor dsjkdj

@flipthatjacketjiminie idk whats up but it makes me scream like a madman every time i see it.........

@lifegoesmon i cant even explain why i chose this one but everything here is so incredible !!!!!!!!1

@hobeah one of those good fucking bye ones.....

@taeyungie this made me feel so many things and a whole ass a w e so cool T_T

@jiminfilter i will never shut up about bts core jungkook one should also be here

@seoksjin THE COLOURS I SCREAM OH MY GOD O HMY OGD I JUST WENT TO CHECK OUT AND SAW THIS AND IMMEDIATELY DJKSJD DECIDED THIS IS CRAZY THE PASTELS THE PINNKS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EVERYHTGIN but also those birthday posts ahhh T_T

@jinvant i wanna YELL but also u know how much i love ur quality and blacks T_T and gfxs too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@yoongi-bts i love everything here with my whole heart!!!

@everythingoes SHOUWLD I EVEN EXPLAIN WHY

@hobibestboy THIS IS SO COOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE COLOUR SCHEME

@joenns I WONT EVEN EXPLAIN IM SO HURT HES SO THIS IS SO T____________________T

@jjeongukie idk i cant get enough of skin tone!!!!!!!!!!!!

@chaylani i really love the colouring and love these posts with highlights T_T

@eklipxe COLOURING AND EVERYTHIGN

@oncupid cant get enough of every colouring ive seen <3

@jiminslight THIS WHOLE GIF RIGHT HERE

@6dis-ease COZY AND PRECIOUS T_T

@ofkimtaehyung I LITERALLY HAVE NO WORDS ITS SO PRETTY

@taee it was really hard to choose too T_T decided to go with this cuz,, u kno

@yoonqiful CUZ THESE COLOURS DRIVE ME INSANE

OK THIS IS GETTING TOO LONG KDSFJSAKDL I WOULD ADD A LOT MORE CUZ THERE IS A LOT MORE TO ADD BUT IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THREE HOURS I BETTER CHILL

❀ some of your favourite content creators from this year

ok i may forgot someone + in no order in particular + literally every creator that i follow/whose content i reblog @taeguks @tearuntold @cyphertaehyungie @love4hobi @kimnamtaejin @taejoon @jimiyoong @namkook @taeyungie @jinvant @jinv @6dis-ease @jiminrolls @daechwitas @syubb @syuga @jjeongukie @cowboyjinbop @hope-film @minhope @hopekidoki @joonie @namgination @jung-koook @faerieth @kooksv @lifegoesyoon @yoonqiful @j-sope @chaylani @jiminfilter @jjoon @everythingoes @varietae @seoksjin @dearbangtansonyeondan @ofkimtaehyung @yoongi-bts @gaypeople @seokjinyoongis @agustdfeatrm @joenns @houseofarmanto @namjoon (will miss forever) @thebtsgenre @honsool @vjimin @seokjinite @jiminswn @taee @hobeah @lifegoesmon @taemaknae @gukgi @kkulmoon @flipthatjacketjiminie @jintae @jcngkooks @ynki @yoongikook @yoongiandthebiaswreckers @jiminslight @gwkie @oncupid @eternalbulletproof and many more <3

OK SO i wanna say a special thanks to every content creator ever and also i wanna say that im really glad to be a part of this community all of u r so cool and creative and make such beautiful things and many of u made me feel EMOTIONS with ur sets or not only sets ill be forever grateful that i discovered bts and for everything they do to me without even knowing ALSO THANK U FOR STILL BEING HERE ON TUMBRLDSDFKJ yeah this year was less active there were few issues many ppl went on twt but thank u for still being here also happy new year <3333333 i think i sounded deeper and more emotional when i was commenting ppls gifs :| but its almost 2 am so i hope u will understand dkfjkfsjk im happy there is this corner on the internet that feels cozy and so welcoming <3 i love u i wish u a better year ahead <3 ok for checking notifications purpose ill tag my blog lol @eternal-bangtan

#m:text #tg

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girlinthepictureframe · 3 years

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Writing Tag Game

I was tagged by @tightredpants and @elorianna.

How many works do you have on Ao3?

What's your total Ao3 word count?

961553

What're your top 5 fics by kudos?

A Trip Into A Dream, Miracle Aligner, Forever Young, Now We Know, The Briefest Kiss

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to. I appreciate every single comment and want my readers to know that their inputs and opinions and kind words and criticism are valued and welcome.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Milex-wise: Maybe Forever Young? There was an old Jude/Tommy Instant Star one a decade or so ago. Forgot the name.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

*scratches head* Miracle Aligner?

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

Nope.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes, and because of that, I've actually changed my own approach in a lot of ways. There's a historical romance series by Julie Anne Long that tells the adventures of two families in Pennyroyal Green. I love most of the books and throughout the entire series, you discover clues of what happened to the couple that connects two rivaling families. Their book is the final book of the series and every reader, I presume, had high hopes for their book. Me included. For me, that book missed the mark. And I left a bad review on Goodreads to vent my frustration. I was disappointed. In my imagination, their reunion would have played out much differently. I had envisioned the gentle and smart female lead to turn her nose at the male lead, kick his nuts, and tell him point blank that he's a mansplaining idiot for expecting her to pack up her life to serve him and his whims. (I still have strong emotions about that ending.😔) At any rate, after I got those bad comments on my own story I realized that the author doesn't owe me the ending I want. It's her story. Her work. Her characters. Maybe she reads her characters differently than I do. What do I know, right? It's one thing to tell somebody their grammar sucks, or even that there are holes in the plot, or inconsistencies. But to say 'your story sucks because I feel entitled to a different ending' – in a more profane language – I think, misses the mark of what comments should be about. Because, at the end of the day, it's the author's story. Their time. Their work.

Because, as writers, we feel passionately about your works, it's very easy to grab the sword and defend it. Commenting on hate, also, is very alluring. If somebody yells at you in capital letters and calls you names for me makes it's hard not to step into that trap. I read somewhere that replying to hate is an exercise in arrogance. You take your keyboard and you type away, demonstrating one keystroke at a time that your insults are punchier, your knowledge greater, and your opinion worth more. Honestly, what's the point? When I reply to hate I waste my time on somebody who doesn't give a shit about my opinion in the first place. Best solution? Delete the hate and don't waste a thought on it.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do. Although recently, I've written less. (Must change that. 😜)

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Don't think so.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I recall that somebody some time ago wanted to translate my work. Haven't checked up on that in a bit.

What's your all time favorite ship?

At the moment, Milex. (I have gotten into Mo Dao Zu Shi and Voltron, though.)

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

There's a story I wrote years ago on FF.net about Jude Harrison and Tommy Quincy of Instant Star. I don't even remember the name of that story. The only one I ever left unfinished.

What are your writing strengths?

I've been told it's comedy.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I want to write something dark and twisted and sad and tragic, something that ends with death and despair. I've started out many times. Got an entire Google document dedicated to plot ideas. Always ends up upbeat and cheerful. 😩

Here's a Milex spoiler for a story that might never see the light of day. Miles and Jamie, cops in a film-noir seedy LA haunt the killer of a handful of young women who end up dead on the side of various roads. Jamie, going undercover, gets murdered and the killer carves a message into his chest. Miles, vowing revenge, thinks it's connected to a gruesome group of drug-dealing gangsters. Alex is their drug-lord. Miles learns of Alex's identity and the LAPD tries and fails to get people into his inner circle. Until one night Miles screws the rules after a chance encounter with Alex and takes it upon himself to get his answers. By crawling into Alex's bed. There's a moment of dialogue in which Alex tells Miles that their story won't have a happy ending, to which Miles replies, the best part of every book is never the last line. It's the journey there and life is about the memories you make before you turn the last page. One of 'em dies in the end.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Love doing it and hope that Google translate is as good as I want it to be.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I wrote a Mulder/Scully fanfic in a journal when I was a young teen before I had a computer. The first fic I posted was Jude/Tommy from Instant Star.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

A really old Jude/Tommy fic that ended up being twisted and weird and dark until I wrote an uplifting ending that kinda ruined it in retrospect, but that's the darkest I ever managed.

Thank you for tagging me. I don't know whom to tag because I think most people have already been tagged. 🙈

#writing tag game #milex #jommy #i waffle a lot

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twiststreet · 2 years

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Watching HBO Max’s Spielberg Documentary

Groggy from getting the Booster shot yesterday-- I wish it had microchips in it, what if I get lost-- but so I tried again on that 2 and a half hour Spielberg documentary. I’ve been watching all day and I’m only halfway through-- I thought I was near the end because they were talking about Schindler’s List and I was like “How are you going to do more of the Spielberg movie after Schindler’s List, that’s your closer, you end there” but I guess I just forgot that he made motherfuckin’ Tintin, whooooo, gotta hear his thoughts on Tintin. (Granted Saving Private Ryan but you could put that earlier-- you show his kids war movies and then intercut it with Ryan...)

He mentions how much he loves one of his kids, the first one, but then like I’m sitting here going “wasn’t one of them in porno now?” Are they going to talk about the porno kid??? I haven’t gotten to the end but I doubt they talk to the porno kid. And they’re very fuzzy on the timeline between the first and second wife. (Which is extra interesting to me now because of his whole family history I didn’t know about-- I can see why he thinks he has a movie there-- there’s probably a movie there...). He’s just a messy guy, in real life, like anybody probably, but it’s not that kind of documentary... They also don’t mention all the racism in Temple of Doom, either but I mean, oh well, pobody’s nerfect...

Other good parts: they get David Edelstein to make the argument (I think the correct one) that to blame Spielberg/Lucas for what happened to the movies from the 70′s to the 80′s is silly. (The whole William Goldman “they killed the 70′s golden age by making blockbusters” argument). But then in the next scene Edelstein is like “The Color Purple? What a piece of shit-- I had no use for it. Disney bullshit!” And then the scene after that, Tom Stoppard is like “Empire of the Sun? Awww, yeah he blew that one.” (I think there’s good shit in Empire though... yeah, it’s got a big issue with his relentless sentimentality, as does ... all of his movies?). I just like that even the Spielberg documentary is like “we get it you like Norman Rockwell we get it.”

It’s kind of weird watching Liam Neeson talk about Schindler’s List, an interview I assume was filmed inbetween scenes of Crazed Step-dad 4.

I don’t know-- for a long time I wondered what the Celeb Death Apocalypse would be, what celebrity death would be the big earthshaker, the big one that’d signal to people of a certain age that mortality is real and their childhoods are over. And I’d figure it was either Stephen King or Steven Spielberg. In recent years, I think Stephen King’s pulled way, way ahead, which I actually didn’t see coming-- I thought Spielberg would win it. But I think it’s King’s game to lose now... (Though it’s probably some music person I don’t even see coming...)

Very, very best part though is they’re reading Pauline Kael’s review of Duel over footage of Duel, and then Kael goes “Spielberg seems like a good entertainer... but I mean, Martin Scorsese is out there I wish we were watching one of his movies instead” and then the Chambers Brother’s Time Has Come Today blares on all loud and it’s like HELL YEAH TIME FOR THE MOVIE BRATS TO ROLL INTO THE DOCUMENTARY, and then like all your favorite dudes show up to be bros for a few scenes. It doesn’t go the full “we were worried he wasn’t getting laid we tried to get him laid” Margot Kidder route, it’s nothing anyone hasn’t heard before (though Scorsese being super-enthusiastic about actually-entertaining movies has become weirdly emotional content for me to watch, on account of The Fucking Morons), but I just liked that like Brian DePalma rolls into the documentary to Time Has Come Today. The boys are back in town was too expensive...

The Duel bit is part of a pretty good stretch though where they just talk about Spielberg the TV director, which I guess I’m curious about. You see little clips of all these long-forgotten TV shows and some of them ... look like little Steven Spielberg movies! If I’m walking away wanting to see anything, it’s not War Horse (which is still hours away, goddamn this is longer than **actual Steven Spielberg movies**) but like... fucking Marcus Welby MD...

#directed by steven spielberg!!!!!!!!#movies I saw in 2022 #spielberg

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night-unfurls-its-splendour · 3 years

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The Critique of Manners: Part III

~Or~

A Somewhat Indecisive Review of “Emma” (Miramax, 1996)

I have a feeling this review is gonna be a little harder for me to write. Everyone knows that recaps and reviews are most entertaining when the writer has an intense dislike (or intense feeling of any kind) for the drama they’re reviewing. It falls to other writers to pan or praise this film as they will, but I simply don’t have many particularly strong feelings about it at all. I have neither that repulsed dislike for this movie such as I did for Emma 1997, nor that disappointed frustration as for certain aspects of Emma. 2020, but neither do I have a deep, profound love and appreciation for it as I do for Emma 2009.

Written and Directed by American Screenwriter, director and actor, Douglas McGrath, Emma (1996) is rather what one expects it to be: a 90’s romance film. Perhaps it’s because I had expectations due to the era in which it was made, but I think I have a tendency to excuse some of the problems with this film. There are many unnecessary additions (for comedy’s sake usually and often quite cringe-y) and one definitely can’t claim that the dialogue hasn’t been tampered with. I don’t normally side with the “I do so miss Austen’s biting wit” crowd but, by ‘eck I felt it this time. That’s because Austen’s Biting Wit™ just doesn’t suit a fluffy 90’s chick flick (which this film is in a way that other big screen Austen adaptations of the time just aren’t – and I think approaching this film from the 90’s chick flick perspective is probably the best way to digest it.) This version, more than any other (except perhaps 2009) brings the concept of Emma-as-Matchmaker to the fore with a particular emphasis precisely because it’s a concept that fits well with the rom-com style of filmmaking used here.

The bones of this review, like my review for the ITV version, were written six years ago following my initial viewing only a select number of portions survive from that review (which is still on IMDb).

As with all my reviews I'll be comparing the script, characterizations and plot to the book and commenting on the authenticity and attractiveness of the costumes, and suitability of the houses and sets.

Let’s dive in.

Cast & Characterization

Emma is arguably the easiest of Austen’s works to read because of Emma’s generally good (if condescending and overly self-confident) character, and Mr. Knightley’s sober, mature but exceedingly pleasant manner. I had my doubts about Gwyneth Paltrow playing an Austen heroine, but I at least had faith in Jeremy Northam’s ability to portray the mature Mr. Knightly. My expectations were not entirely disappointed in either case.

My prevailing feeling about this film is that it’s not so much set in Jane Austen’s Regency England, but in an American fantasy of what Regency England was like. Perhaps the biggest factor that reinforces this impression is (of course) the casting choice for our leading lady, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Freckled, ruddy and thin as a twig, Gwyenth didn’t quite, to my mind, fit the physical description of Emma, who is supposed to be “The picture of health” according to Mrs. Weston. Add to this the Regency beauty ideal of a soft and shapely figure with regular features. Fair hair was generally preferred (and I have always imagined Emma as blond, although I’m given to understand that Austen’s idea of pretty generally favored dark hair), so I can’t fault Gwynnie there. What I can fault though is her so-so British accent.

I recently learned that the reason McGrath thought Paltrow would be a good choice was because she’s the only Texan he’d ever met who’d managed to entirely throw off her native accent; I guess he decided that if she could do that she could do any accent work? I guess? Seems questionable to me.

You know Joely Richardson was considered for this part? Gorgeous, refined (British) GODDESS Joely Richardson was passed over because Gwyenth managed to shake an embarrassing accent.

I hate American directors.

I’m not sure if it’s just part of the accent, or her attempt to sound upper class, but on this most recent re-watch it hit me for the first time how very nasal many of her line deliveries are. She also has this problem with looking (and sounding) sort of vapid and… just what is happening here?

Is she having a stroke at the end there?

A bigger problem than Emma’s casting, however, is her characterization.

Part of the above mentioned script tampering is in lockstep with some of the issues with Emma’s characterization here. Her very teenager-esque swings from vowing to never make another match again to immediately trying to think of another guy to set Harriet up with, and her getting carried away in potential scenarios “But if he seems sad I shall know that John has advised him not to marry Harriet! I love John! Or he may seem sad because he fears telling me he will marry my friend. How could John let him do that? I hate John!” (Especially when you never even really get to meet John Knightley in this version? Ugh, pass me with this shit) is so bizarrely childish it’s a little hard to stomach. She spends the movie going back and forth between mature and manipulative to childish and naïve and it just… doesn’t work for me. Emma can be all of these things but the transition from one extreme to another here seems a bit disjointed to me.

Knightley was a bit of a disappointment to me in this version. That’s not Jeremy Northam’s fault because I can’t think of a better choice they could have made. McGrath showed much better judgment with his choice for Mr. Knightley than he did with Emma.

My biggest problem with this interpretation was how laid back he was when he was supposed to chastising Emma. Their quarrels became more like mere disagreements so the proposal line of lecturing her and her bearing it as no other woman would have isn’t entirely earned. Even in the big scene at Box Hill where Knightley is really supposed to lay into Emma, he starts off pretty solidly, but by the end so doe-eyed and apologetic it fails to deliver the sting of rebuke that is Emma’s biggest learning moment in the story. Perhaps they were trying to go for a more disappointed feel (the kind that makes you feel worse than being shouted at because you really respect the person you let down) but it just didn’t come through for me.

Also of note is the fact that, (I assume) because John Knightley isn’t really allowed time to be a character in this film, McGrath took some of John’s introverted tendencies and transplanted them into his more convivial older brother (“I just want to stay home, where it’s cozy.” – I mean I feel that, but this isn’t something George Knightley would say.)

Onto the less central characters

I question also the choice of Toni Colette for Harriet Smith. I mean I actually liked her performance more on this watch than previously but I just don’t think she’s pretty enough for Harriet, and she looks a bit clumsy (though that might have more to do with her costumes.)

I also noted that McGrath bumps Harriet’s comprehension skills up just a scooch. Emma never has to explain the “Courtship” riddle to her, Harriet figures it out on her own after a while, while she never manages to in the book.

Now we come to the crux of Jane Fairfax, played by Polly Walker. I don’t care for this choice. My issue is the simple fact that she just isn’t believable to me as a demure, wronged character like Jane Fairfax. Seriously she looks like she would sooner throw Frank across the room than take his cruel teasing, and not in the subtle way that Olivia Williams managed to. They never even utilized her by including some of Jane’s more pointed returns to Frank’s jabs, which they even managed to squeeze into the massively cut down TV movie.

Speaking of Frank; Ewan McGregor, though generally delightful, was so under-used. Frank and Jane’s plotline always kind of gets shafted in Theatrical release adaptations of this story. It’s not as bad here as it is in say, the 2020 adaptation (they were in that version so little I actually forgot what their actors looked like), but it’s still pretty stunted.

I find it interesting that Ewan McGregor himself thinks his performance in this movie isn’t good; and I’ll agree it’s not his best (certainly it’s no Obi-wan Kenobi) but I thought he did a pretty good job with obviously unfamiliar material

Also if the Davies screenplay of ’97 made Frank’s character too caddish, I think this version didn’t make him caddish enough. I mean he’s hardly around enough to really develop his flirtation with Emma, and they merged Strawberry Picking and Box Hill into one sequence so we never see Frank’s ill humors. I can perhaps excuse this, since it seems like a nuanced story really wasn’t what McGrath was going for here, I think. This is a lite version of the story; schmaltzy fluff for teenage girls’ movie nights. Frank’s ill humors wouldn’t really have fit the tone of this version at all.

Interestingly enough, though it’s taken me a long time to make this decision, I think Alan Cumming might be the definitive Elton? He’s the only one who doesn’t immediately read as a slime ball from the get go. I mean he’s got all the warning signs that Austen wrote into him, but no more than that. He’s not slinking about greasily or obviously pandering (at first), so Emma’s uneasy realization of what’s really happening here isn’t a hundred miles behind the viewer’s (maybe just fifty).

There are as many Mrs. Eltons out there as there are adaptations of this story, and they’re all pretty great (funky accents aside), but other than the 1997 take, this one might be the least great to me. She’s not nearly pushy enough, because Mrs. Elton would never let Emma prompt the conversation when she could do it herself.

Also, I think McGrath misunderstands Mrs. Elton’s brand of New Money vulgarity. He has her talking with her mouthful, clanking her utensils on her plate as she eats, putting biscuits which she’s bitten into back onto communal plates, which I think even Mrs. Elton would know not to do. Table manners are pretty basic; the couth that Mrs. Elton lacks is of a more nuanced social kind – for instance, what is and isn’t considered gauche to talk about (like how big one’s brother in law’s house is or how many horses he keeps.)

(A sudden thought has just occurred to me: is Mrs. Elton just a more mean-spirited Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances? “It’s meh sister, Mrs. Suckling! That’s right, the one with an estate in Warwickshire and the two barouche landaus!”)

Sophie Thompson’s Miss Bates is chatty and one of better takes on the character, but lack of necessary background hinders her impact on Emma’s story. The comedy in her scenes is some of the best and actually made me laugh, although I think she was just way too giggly.

Miss Bates’s mother, Mrs. Bates, is played by Sophie Thompson’s real-life mother Phyllida Law in a completely coincidental quirk of casting. (I noted in this film how very much Emma Thompson, Sophie’s older sister looks like their mother.)

My only other serious issue with characterization in this adaptation is the representation of Mr. Woodhouse. He is somehow simultaneously more cheery and more disagreeable than he is in the book. His chiding about the cake at the Weston’s wedding seems more like a scolding rather than an anxious admonishment. In one of the first scenes, during Mr. Woodhouse’s “Poor Miss Taylor” speech, he says he cannot understand why she would want to give up her comfortable life with himself and Emma, to have “mewling children who bring the threat of disease every time they enter or leave the house,” and he says this IN FRONT OF ONE OF HIS TWO DAUGHTERS.

Of course in the book, Mr. Woodhouse does lament Miss Taylor marrying, leaving and even having children – but this is all in the context of the danger childbirth presents to Miss Taylor (And the fact that he can’t stand losing a companion). These are his complaints – not the children themselves. In addition, his elder daughter has quite a fine number of children, all of them very young, of whom Mr. Woodhouse is very fond. He’s a character that needs to be carefully handled because, much like his daughter, it’s very easy for him to become unlikeable.

For the rest of the time, though, he just sort of cheerily laughs and is very at ease, when Mr. Woodhouse, as a chronic hypochondriac should be made anxious by just about everything.

Sets & Surroundings

One thing I find interesting about this adaptation is that the houses they chose to use are all of a very neo-classical Palladian style, which I believe (given her disdain for the contemporary trend of knocking down England’s great houses just to rebuild them in a more fashionable style) Austen may have disliked to some degree.

One such house is Came House in Dorset, which was used as the Woodhouse’s estate, Hartfield. Now Hartfield is, I think, described as a well-built modern house so this could be pretty accurate (although Modern could refer to the red bring, boxy style of Georgian architecture, such as the houses used in the 1997, 2009 and 1972 versions.)

Another, Claydon House in Buckinghamshire played the role of Donwell Abbey. I think this might be the worst exterior ever used for Donwell, from a book accuracy perspective. Utterly Georgian, with its’ square façade, Claydon house sort of directly contradicts Austen description of being “Larger than Hartfield, and totally unlike it, covering a good deal of ground, rambling and irregular…” not only is the architecture totally wrong, so is its’ situation, in Georgian fashion, perched on a hill, when Donwell (a very old building) is supposed to be “Low and sheltered”.

Mapperton House is maybe the grandest house yet used for Mr. Weston’s Randalls (I’ve already covered in my review of Emma (2020) why this is a problem – although in this version, as in the 1997 adaptation, there’s no full panic over the snow, so this is less of a problem, but a house like this is still too grand for the reasonably sized Randalls of the book), but it fits the usual 15th-16th century house type that always seems to be used for Randalls.

A myriad of other great houses were used for interiors, however other than Crichel House (Dorset), which was used for Donwell’s interiors, I can’t find information on which ones where used for what. They include Breakspear House (Harefield), Coker Court (Somerset), Stafford House (Staffordshire) and Syon House & Park (Middlesex).

I really appreciate the interiors which were all very colorful and even included doors and molding painted the same color as the walls which is a very Georgian decorating convention, although it looks odd to the modern viewer.

Costumes & Hair

As a rule, the costumes (Created by Ruth Myers) in this movie are pretty damn good, composition wise, but the arrangement leaves a lot to be desired. Myers talked extensively of wanting the costumes to be colorful and bright like the water colors of the time, which she achieved brilliantly. What I find funny is that she talked about using color as if it would be controversial from a historical accuracy point of view, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

The evening wear is generally excellent

My only question around evening wear here is… what’s up with the waistline on Harriet’s ball gown? Why is it going up in the middle? Toni Collette (who actually gained weight for the role, since Harriet was described as “Reubenesque”) verged on looking a little dumpy throughout the film and awkwardly bumping up her waistline in the middle really didn’t help.

I’m pleased to report that is is the one version where Miss Bates’s evening-wear is allowed to look like evening wear. Even Maiden Aunts wore shorter sleeves and lower necklines at dinner or balls. They fussed her up with some lace gloves and frilly fichus but it follows the conventions of the time. I appreciate that immensely, though I have the sneaking suspicion that it’s because of Sophie Thompson’s age.

At 37 Thompson was an unconventionally young choice for Miss Bates, a character who previously had only been cast as older than 50 (Prunella Scales, who would play the role later in 1996, was 64). Indeed, Douglas McGrath almost passed Thompson over for the role on account of her age, but reconsidered after seeing her in spectacles. It seems possible to me that since Thompson was considered young they dressed her “young” as well.

The daywear is where the costumes start to really fall apart. There are a lot of looks here worn in the day that are VERY not day/outerwear appropriate, especially on Emma, most especially the yellow dress she’s wearing while driving that carriage (which, btw is inappropriate on a whole OTHER level). Can we just talk aboutt he cognative dissonance of bothering to put a bonnet on her when her arms and boobs are just hanging out like that? Like, it would almost have been less egregious to just leave the bonnet where it was.

But then there are a lot of Emma’s day-wear looks that are perfectly suitable and appropriate. What I find ironic about that is that most of the short-sleeved, low-necked “Evening-gowns as day-wear” looks are worn OUTSIDE in the sun and most of the long-sleeved, sun protecting, day-wear appropriate looks are worn INSIDE. She’s also got a profusion of dangling curls in day-time settings that are also more evening-wear appropriate (to match the dresses, perhaps?)

I’m also pleased to report that even in day-wear Miss Bates gets a break from brown in this version. Her clothes are nice, but not fancy like Miranda Hart’s in Emma. 2020, and I like to think that nice thick shawl with lace overlay is the one mentioned in the book that Jane’s friend Mrs. Dixon sent along home with her for her aunt.

My only problem with Mrs. Elton’s kit is that it’s all perfectly nice, but none of it is overly-nice. There’s no extra trim, no unnecessary lace, not even any bold colors. I hope Myers and McGrath didn’t take Mrs. Elton’s line in the book about her fear of being over-trimmed seriously.

Let’s talk outerwear. There’s a lot of going into town with JUST a shawl on in this movie (usually over short sleeves), and I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s how outer-wear worked in this time period. A shawl is good enough when you’re taking a turn in the garden but not for going out in public into town, unless maybe you’re wearing long sleeves, or perhaps paired with a SPENCER.

Never mind Mrs. Elton’s line about a shocking lack of satin at the end of the movie, I’m more concerned about the shocking lack of spencers. There are precisely three in this film. I counted (and the sleeves on Emma’s look like maybe they’re too long for her?) Mrs. Elton sports the only redingote in the film.

Jane Fairfax is, as always, in her classic Jane Fairfax Blue™,

although she has some nice white gowns at some points too.

Now, onto

Definitely a bit more colorful than the 97 adaptation. Mr. Knightley benefits most from the addition of colors other than green. He’s even got some smashing waistcoats and a very nice blue evening coat (I couldn’t get very good shots of them though). The problem is; those trousers? NOT. TIGHT. ENOUGH.

Also… you all see it, right? I circled it in red so you should. Yeah. Knightley is dancing in boots. WTF RUTH? Please! You’re better than this! Who dances in Prussians like that? I ask you! (Frank also wears boots to the Cole’s dinner party so that’s two strikes.)

I’m not sold on Frank’s looks. His day-wear is a bit sedate for such a confirmed dandy (I believe he’s called a “coxcombe” in the book?) and his evening wear… well he apparently only has the one look.

And speaking of Frank’s look in this film, I’d like to know at whose doorstep I should lay the blame for what Ewan McGregor himself has called “The Worst Wig Ever”; and why the hair designer in charge decided to model Frank’s aesthetic on a theme of “Chucky meets the Mad Hatter”.

This hairstyle not only looks dreadful, it’s not at all fashionable or authentic to this time period! Fashionable mens’ hair styles at this point were all relatively short. A Beau Brummel coiffeur, or a short Roman style, or a fashionable head of curls like Mr. Elton’s! Not this farmer chic. Robert Martin’s hair is more fashionable than Frank’s!

The tune they chose for Emma and Knightley’s dance is a baroque melody (so a hundred or so years out of fashion) called “Mr. Beveridge’s Maggot” and as is pointed out in the video linked above, and is the same tune and dance used for Lizzie and Darcy’s big dance in Pride and Prejudice (1995).

I get why it was used in P&P because, slow, stately baroque tunes are often used as on-screen short hand for snobbish character like Mr. Darcy. It’s not super intense either, like the baroque tune used in P&P 05, which was chosen for more romantic effect. So why use this kind of “stuck up” tune for what should be a romantic dance? Maybe because it was used in the 95 P&P which became, almost instantly, one of the most popular Austen adaptations?

Quick note on the dancing and music in this movie. I’m not an expert on English Country dance (I’ll outsource that by giving you the usual link to Tea with Cassiane’s analysis on YouTube) but I’ll add my two cents - I know Cassiane gave this a pretty favorable three full dance slippers but I think the way all of the actors and dancers move looks very poorly rehearsed and kind of sloppy. I think everyone just spread out way too much.

Douglas McGrath’s Script

I have to say one of the things this film did very well and brought to the forefront is how insular Emma’s life is. The opening credit sequence brings this to our attention right away by showing a spinning globe which, once it slows down is shown to be, literally, Emma’s whole tiny world. Hartfield, Donwell, Randalls and Highbury. That’s it. It’s perhaps not a very subtle device, but it does get the job done and very succinctly too.

I would now like to talk about my issues with the script of this movie; I have some problems with it. Very different problems than it’s 1996 counterpart though.

First let’s go over the comedic device that jumped out to me most in this movie: the awkward pause.

I think it’s only used twice but they both bothered me.

First there’s the pauses while Emma and Mrs. Weston grill Knightley on whether he considers Jane Fairfax romantically. It’s all written as very “OoOoOooo” with Knightley answering their interrogations and then sitting between them awkwardly as they stare him down as, none of his answers giving either Emma or Mrs. Weston satisfaction. This is one of the most teen rom-com moments of the film to me.

Next there’s all the quiet stretches while Emma and Mrs. Elton have tea at Hartfield. I don’t like the use of awkward pauses in this case because (as I mentioned in Mrs. Elton’s characterization section) it’s so ludicrous to me that there are pauses in this conversation at all. Surely the point of Mrs. Elton is that she loves to hear herself talk and her conceited obsession with the idea that everyone around her must only benefit from hearing her opinions. There should be no conceivable reason why Emma should have to prompt conversation like she does in McGrath’s version of this scene, except to derail Mrs. Elton’s constant self-important yammering.

Watching it this time around I found myself wondering exactly what McGrath wanted to do with this film. I mean I’ve been attempting to decipher exactly whether the changes made were conscious and based on artistic vision, or whether they were changed because the source material just flew over McGrath’s Hollywood Director head.

I mean he gets the important plot points across, but there were other scenes that I had issues with: namely, the Archery scene. This is a pretty intense part of the book because Mr. Knightly goes from astonished, to indignant, to truly vexed with Emma in a short period of time. But this scene in the movie is very casual. The part where Emma’s arrow goes wide and into the general direction of Knightley’s dogs, and he takes an opportunity to make a quip and says “try not to kill my dogs” particularly annoyed me. My issue is that this totally ruins the tension of the scene; and why are Knightley’s dogs sitting BEHIND THE TARGETS ANYWAY? Knightley is a sensible man, and one who knows better than to let his dogs rest in a place where stray arrows could hit them!

The dialouge is very jarring because it flips back and forth beetween being alright, and period appropriate and then it will just spring a very modern turn of phrase and pull you completely out of the setting. I know this is something that’s been brought up with the 2009 version as well but maybe it’s because the actors in that version have (in my opinion) better chemistry that it simply doesn't stick out to me as much.

The comedy in general in this movie just makes me cringe a lot of the time (Sophie Thompson’s “oh sorry, napkin” bit notwithstanding). Like the soup thing when Emma and Harriet meet Mr. Elton after visiting the poor, and the random kid that gets tossed into this scene with Emma… just doesn’t work for me.

Wikipedia describes McGrath’s tweaks on Emma and Knightley’s banter (which really weren’t changed that much, textually) as “Enlivened” to make the basis of their attraction more apparent, which… I’m sorry but nothing about the exisiting banter isn’t lively if delivered in a lively manner. And I wouldn’t exactly call Gywneth’s performance lively, because she has to concentrate to keep that accent up.

I mentioned already that what McGrath essentially did with Emma was take Austen’s story, and remove the nuance (Such as lightening Frank’s infractions in his relationship with Jane and, while not totally contradicting, but also not highlighting the economic commentary of the story that is thematic in Austen’s novel) in order to make a straight up 90’s comedic romance film (Which, if you doubt this, look no further than Rachel Portman’s Oscar Winning but very dated score).

My Question is why? Why bother when the SAME STORY had been adapted into a HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL, modernized rom-com THE PREVIOUS YEAR, which actually, even while being set in the 90’s, did the story greater justice, with far more insight and quality?

Emma (1996) was always going to be over-shadowed by Clueless. At the end of the day this whole movie was kind of a futile effort because despite excellent production quality, the actual contents are watered down and, in my own opinion, pretty roundly mediocre.

Final Thoughts

When I first watched both of these versions I came at it from a very one-or-the-other perspective. I forgave McGrath’s film because it was light and colorful and I’d heard Davies’ version praised so highly at that time as the only faithful, definitive version (only to be let down by it in almost every possible way). But coming right down to it now, it’s hard for me to really excuse McGrath’s effort because a version of Emma that doesn’t take itself seriously enough is almost as bad as a version that takes itself too seriously.

It never fails to jump out at me how diametrically opposed these interpretations are, from the characterization right down to the tone and lighting.

McGrath’s Emma is light in every sense of the word, where Davies’ is dark and ponderous. McGrath’s Knightley is laid back where Davies’ is aggressive and ferocious. Frank, in McGrath’s version, is let off easy by the narrative playing down his moodiness, while in Davies there’s an overshadowing dark-cloud of off-putting caddishness.

Ribbon Rating: Tolerable (58 Ribbons)

The more I watch the 1996 adaptations of Emma (invariably back-to-back) the more firmly I am convinced that Andrew Davies’ made for TV film was (in some ways) a direct response to McGrath’s motion picture.

Tone: 7

Casting: 7

Acting: 5

Scripting: 5

Pacing: 4

Cinematography: 4

Setting: 5

Costumes: 6

Music: 5

Book Accuracy: 6

#jane austen #jane austen emma #regency #period drama #costume drama #classic literature #emma 1996

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lululawrence · 3 years

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Annual Writing Self Evaluation

Thank you for the tag @louandhazaf!!! I’m honestly clutching my chest that you tagged me, so thank you xxx especially since i love this little self eval that i think @juliusschmidt came up with all those years ago and we just keep perpetuating it haha

this... is going to get long, though. since it asks me to list my works published this year and that is 24. so. here goes.

1. List of works published this year:

Swerve the Handshake (Nick/Louis)

Need So Much of You (Harry/Louis for @onedirectionbigbang)

You're A (Total) Distraction (girl!direction and hybrid Harry/Louis for @wallsficfest)

Always Keep You Next To Me (Greg/Louis for @wallsficfest)

With Your Hand In Mine (Nick/Louis for @wallsficfest)

Smells Like Omega Spirit (Harry/Louis for @1daboficfest)

If Only We Wish Hard Enough (Harry/Louis for @disneydirectionfest)

Political Pizza (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Talk the Night Through (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Wrinkles (Harry/Louis for @1000feelingsfics)

Would You Be My Girlfriend? (girl!direction Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Lately You've Been On My Mind (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Don't Want It Any Other Way (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

I'm Ready for the Worst (Greg/Louis for @louisandmenfest)

Loving You's the Antidote (Nick/Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Do You Know Who You Are? (Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Don't You Call Him (What You Used To Call Me) (Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Gone Too Long (From You) (Harry/Louis co-written with @fallinglikethis for @finelineficfest)

Just Me and the Stars Can Get Lonely (Niall/Rory McIlroy for @heartbreakweatherficfest)

The Way You Bend the Rules (Niall/Rory McIlroy for @heartbreakweatherficfest)

And Then I Saw His Face (Harry/Louis for @1dtrickortreatfest)

I'mma Give You A Promotion (Nick/Louis)

What You Waiting For? (Nick/Harry for @1000feelingsfics)

(I'm Dreaming of a) One Night Inn (Harry/Louis, Zayn/Liam, Niall/Shawn)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

every time i think about this question i’ve got a different answer, to be honest. i do think my I Go Down Blazing, Feeling Like I'm Going Crazy series is probably what i’m most proud of, though. as soon as i knew @runaway-train-works was going to be hosting the heartbreak weather fic fest, i knew i wanted to write dear patience, but as the idea grew and grew and more ideas solidified and i realized what the story was turning into, i realized it was so much more than i originally thought and i needed a second song to help me fully get a solid grasp on it. in the end, it was a hard duo of fics to write, mainly because i honestly don’t know much of anything about golf, i was still trying to create fully the way soulmates worked in the world, and there’s just not all that much about rory online to find, so i was winging it haha but i’m so incredibly happy with the world i made and the fics i wrote, even if i don’t know that they’ll ever get to like 200 hits or whatever hahaha i love them.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

uhhhhh you know looking at this list of fics i have, i’m actually proud of every single one for some reason and i don’t know if there’s any of them that i’d even label as “least proud”.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

i hate this question and forget that it is on this list every year lollll let me see if i can find something i really like. okay i found one, it’s from my long grouis haha and i’m apologizing now for it being so long. you can skip ahead to the next question if you like, but i’m just incredibly proud of the banter and the way i wrote this section, PLUS those damn joggers actually happened because he posted a photo of himself wearing them in the shops on instagram and that inspired this entire thing so. enjoy. (i’ve italicized it and indented it to hopefully make it easier to skip it’s so long i’m so sorry)

“It’s safe for you to come back in here,” Louis called out as he closed his computer.

“Thank goodness, I was getting so exhausted of hiding in your bedroom and snooping through all your shit,” Greg said as he walked out wearing a sheet mask and a pair of grey joggers that did nothing to hide what he was packing.

Louis smirked and wanted to say something, but Greg kept going.

“Did you know you have like five different deodorants in there?”

Louis threw his arm on the back of his couch and nodded.

“Why?” Greg asked, throwing himself down onto the couch and placing his stupidly long legs on top of Louis’. “Who legitimately needs five different deodorants? Do they have different uses or something? Some were even women’s deodorants, so I wasn’t sure if they were your sisters’ or what. Oh, and I helped myself to one of your fancy toners. It had rosewater in it or something.”

“Well, for the deodorants I just like trying different scents and I switch them up based on my mood. And actually, the one I use most often is a women’s deodorant. It works great. Plus I smell fresh and clean like baby powder all day.” Louis shrugged. “And that wasn’t my toner. Dunno who left it. Just showed up one day and no one says it’s theirs, so I kept it. It’s quite nice, isn’t it? Lotts said it’s supposed to help even out the PH balance of my skin or some shit, but I’ll be fucked if I know what that actually means.”

“Oh, that does sound fancy,” Greg agreed, checking the time on his phone. “I’ve got five more minutes on this mask, don’t let me forget. Don’t want to leave it on so long it burns my skin off or summat.”

“Sure,” Louis said, laughing. “So are you actually wearing anything under these or are you just that excited to see me?”

“Eh?” Greg asked before looking down at his crotch. Of course, now he was sitting down it didn’t show anything. “What are you on about?”

“Stand back up and look in a mirror, mate,” Louis said, laughing. “You’re dick was trying to tell me hello a minute ago.”

“I didn’t tell it to do that,” Greg muttered as he shifted so he could stand back up again. He walked into Louis’ bedroom, and Louis could hear when he’d seen himself. “Oh my God, that’s obscene! Does it always look like that when I wear these?”

Louis laughed and walked into his bedroom to see Greg’s eyes wide as he shifted himself around and walked a bit, appalled that no matter what he did, nothing seemed to make it any less there.

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen you in those. You usually nick a pair of mine,” Louis reminded him. “Do you wear them without pants often?”

“I never wear pants with these,” Greg said, rubbing his forehead. “Fuck, I’ve likely given that nan that lives below me too many looks at my cock without even realising it. They’re my softest, most favorite pair of joggers! I wear them to the shops when I’m too knackered to get fully dressed!”

As Greg continued to narrate the various escapades he’d had over the years in the joggers without even realising what he’d been doing, Louis settled onto his bed, propping himself up on his elbow so he could still watch Greg as he motioned about in distress.

When it was clear Greg wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon, Louis pulled out his phone and started filming. There was no one he could share this with, but it would be good for a laugh later on.

“Fuck, and you didn’t remind me to take off my mask!” Greg cried, rushing back into the bathroom to remove the sheet mask and do whatever else he had to do when he used them.

Greg was proper obsessed with them, said they were relaxing and kept his skin soft. Louis just liked knowing they were one of Greg’s things, like taking regular baths with a bottle of wine and perusing various adoption websites for dogs he could possibly give a good home to.

“Sorry, love,” Louis said, as Greg walked back out of the bathroom. He really was sorry, but he also couldn’t pass up the opportunity to keep taking the piss. Greg was too much fun to rile up. “Was distracted by your big dick flopping about whilst you remembered all the good times you’d had in the joggers.”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

i’ve had a few this year that told me they don’t usually read that pairing or they don’t usually comment on fics, but for various reasons they gave the pairing a try or wanted to comment because of something specific and those were particularly lovely. that said, every comment is so so great, they really do boost me up to see them and i need to do better with getting my anxiety in hand and responding to them regularly.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

this entire damn year, man. all of the time i’d carefully carved out for myself over the past few years to write was basically blown to shit with the pandemic, which also was so exhausting it didn’t leave me with much energy to write. but i still somehow posted 24 fics?? i dunno, dude. i think writing saved me and gave me something to look forward to, tbh.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

most of my advent fic, tbh lollll a lot that was in there wasn’t really brainstormed ahead of time, it just happened, and i forgot some of the details even because i just flat out didn’t remember what i’d put in there, so i’m STILL surprised haha i love when fics happen like that

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i always think of challenges as fun and then i look back and wonder if i was insane because i thought it would be fun to try something new but it was mostly really fucking hard haha i wrote a lot of pairings and combinations of tropes this year that i never have before as well as stretching myself with writing emotions and situations i never have before, so i’m quite proud of myself for continuing to push the envelope and try new things like that.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i mostly hope that i’ll be able to carve more time out for myself as things HOPEFULLY settle down a bit more. i might not be as impulsive when it comes to choosing things to write at that point, but we’ll see. lol

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

i... hmm. there’s a lot of people i’m thinking of right now, but it’s hard to choose just one. i think actually there were two and they were @louandhazaf and @disgruntledkittenface. i very much admire both of them for their own writing and works, but i am particularly inspired by how many pairings they write and the variety of fics they have posted. it’s definitely because of them that i’ve tried writing a lot of the pairings that i have, and that’s before you even start to look at the help they’ve given me with betaing certain fics (usually rare pairs lollll). they’re just both so supportive and open to so many things, and i am so much more open to all sorts of things because of them. i CANNOT answer this without mentioning the Write Your Way Out GC either, though. Y’all are my crew in SO many ways and you let me rely on you in every way through this past year. it really does take a village, doesn’t it?

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

lmao i’m sure. but all i’m thinking of at the moment are the tumblr posts and canon compliant shit i based the fics on, so nothing off the top of my head apparently haha

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

hell if i know. maybe just... write for yourself. i think that’s why i’m so proud of every fic i wrote this year. i really was writing for me and if others like it too? bonus.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my big bang!!! that’s the big one. i’m so excited for it. i have a whole list of other fics, too, though. hahaha i’m also super SUPER excited for both of my omega harry fics to post hehe

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@becomeawendybird @sadaveniren @londonfoginacup

*All answers should be about works published in 2020. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

#mine #2020 writing meme #self eval #writing self eval #writing stuff

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