how do you know if ur masking or not. or if you just dont come off as Different enough and your normal state is compatible enough with stupid social rules once you learn to understand Why theyre done so u do them and have no issue except exhaustion from interaction

reagan ridley headcanons!

heyyyy its me again im here to write about the girl of all time reagan - this is SO self indulgent and also a lot longer than i thought it would end up being so im putting it under the cut for ease of everything ! no nsfw here though a small amount of body talk !

once again a reminder that REQUESTS ARE OPEN FOR BOTH ART AND WRITING !

// i think that reagan had a really hard time coming to terms with the idea that she is/could be autistic and still. struggles to accept it at times

she definitely took the raads-r test at one point and got a crazy high number like 189 

(for those that dont know the raads-r goes from like 0-224, and anything over 60 constitutes reasonable autism)

and after she got such a high score on that she had a classic #reaganmoment and stayed up all night taking as many other tests as she could find to "collect more data"

i mean its. hard enough to realize youre autistic much less 1) so late in life and 2) when everyone is constantly making it a joke . like i really do think shed be adverse to the idea for so long because it was always used as a "haha reagans weird" punchline and so

(she doesn't want to prove to rand and tamiko that they were right about something being off about her)

obviously everyone around her is. very aware of her autism and has been finding ways to deal with it for years but she doesn't know what to do about it at all after her night of testing

because yeah the test results SAY that its very very likely shes autistic but maybe she answered the questions wrong or something 

ab has to listen to her pace back and forth for hours about this and he is no help mostly because hes realizing he has autism everytime she states a symptom

obviously her special interest is science and robotics, that's pretty goddamn obvious . you could even argue her job is a special interest with how much time she spends nonstop thinking about it

the amount shed have to unmask is INSANNEEEEEE im just saying . shed have to unlearn 30 years of petty comments making her cover up all her autistic traits

i dont think shes someone who would openly stim, or at least in 'classic' ways

her stimming usually is like ;

pacing

chewing on pens + pencils

tapping pens + pencils

pressing keys on her keyboard over and over

wiggling her fingers 

// also reagans basically schroedingers jew

i say this because shes not "technically" jewish as in her family is not jewish but i believe that jr made her very active in his jewishness and so she was essentially raised jewish by her godfather

like. jr would have definitely thrown her an INSNAE bat mitzvah and you can't change my mind. he wouldve insisted on it

especially because i feel like reagan wouldnt like her birthday, both bc of the memories weve Seen of them and what we know about her family i just think she/ prefers to not think about them

but she was turning 13 and jr was like no you are going to be the biggest princess for a whole day everythings going to be about you

because he definitely went ALL OUT

i dont know what passage she would choose to read bc im not super well versed in torah but

the party ???? mans spared no expense but it was also very . reagan

like idk i feel like hed pull off some crazy robot-themed bat mitzvah or whatever she wanted at age 13

like she would have just graduated MIT at that point!!!!!! i think she deserves a baller party

anyway i dont think that a lot of people. came to the party (that werent cognito employees) but that didnt really matter

because jr spent the entire night there with reagan just giving her the best night he could (JR DAD MOMENTS JR DAD MOMENTS) 

like i bet they did a goofy ass 'father'-daughter dance and he was like woah youre getting so tall now youre almost as big as me and shes like well im officially a woman now! and he just starts crying GHEOIGJSEOIES

also more casual jewishness than just that like . 

she thinks fondly on being able to ask the questions at the passover seder (though as a kid she thought they were stupid bc why ask the same questions every year we already know the answer)

and there was one point where they were observing shabbat but they werent at home so they had to like . go and buy a loaf of bread and they used jrs handkerchief as the challah cover and stuff and she used some stuff to make little robot candles because they didnt have real ones and it wasnt a kosher shabbat but it was certainly one that was from the heart and HGHhgehesughshges

having jr pick her up so she could kiss the mezuzah when they went inside his place

hgheshgiehjsg listen i could go for hours.

so like yes she is jewish. she celebrates hanukkah every year and has a collection of menorahs that jr has gotten her (and shes gotten herself) over the years

but she also wouldnt say shes jewish bc shed feel weird about it 

i think shes definitely considered converting but never gotten around to it simply on terms of No Fucking Time

at least a year of study ? taking time off for the holidays ? hahahahahahaha whos schedule would that even fit into lol

so like if someone were to ask if she was jewish she would say " i was raised jewish by my godfather" and if anyone decides to question more then it gets Complicated lmao

// CHUBBY REAGAN CHUBBY REAGAN CHUBBY REA

listen. i refuse to believe she would be self conscious about being 140 pounds theres no reason for her to think thats fat and so i think that brett was guessing (bc he can lift massively and so weight means nothing to him) and she panicked and was like "MY STATIONARY BIKE IS BROKEN." bc chubby

also she has a desk job, basically exclusively eats junk food and drinks, lounges around every chance she gets

i truly believe that reagan is pudgy. i think that she hides it under that lab coat and she should STOP hiding it <3<3<3

reagan with stretch marks? reagan with stretch marks

also she deserves bigger tits and she has them bc shes chubby<3

she would also have a bit of a tummy and bigger thighs but i dont think shes particularly well endowed in the ass department

like its not bad! but she doesnt have a Great ass

like a lot of things about herself she isnt exactly happy with it but shes so squishy and perfect to grab and shit so<3

// another tangent but reagan is. very picky about the type of music allowed around the office 

like she has approved playlists for all of the group whenever they r allowed the aux 

myc is usually not allowed the aux bc he has INSANE music taste. ykno the sounds mushrooms make when you hook them up to electricity or whatever? its essentially 4 hours of that with cupcakkke mixed in

most of the time its background noise for her, so she doesnt like music being too loud

shes essentially like a dad with the ac the way she is abt the music volume lol like WHO TURNED IT UP WE KEEP THE VOLUME AT 72. 

she doesnt listen to music in her lab really, and when she does its either the most depressing shit youve ever heard or like. music she remembers from her childhood like nsync and britney spears and shit

this means shes also not allowed the aux . too much midwest emo bums everyone else out

when it comes to CHRISTMAS MUSIC? she is like 10x as bad

she has a playlist of "reagan approved christmas music" that she made herself that is exclusively the least annoying christmas songs

except she also can only stand that playlist for like 20 minutes

overall she just fuckin hates christmas music. its all love and sunshine and family and friendship and shes essentially scrooge 

its pretty hard to find a christmas song that she can stand but there are a few! white winter hymnal and carol of the bells are her favorites if she had to choose a christmas song.

honestly i would apologize for how self indulgent this is but I dont want to because I'm proud of it <3 love her so much and PLEASE drop requests if you have any !!!!!!!!!!

its really hard not to get angry sometimes

i know im a full time college student so doing classwork and networking and whatnot is my job. but like i have two jobs, and im taking 16 hours of classes, and one of my professors is the worst.

this man told me he wouldnt excuse any absences for a surgery i was supposed to have this wednesday. but since i had sepsis and could have died i GUESS i can have that excused.

im on a very liberal campus. and i am a very liberal myself. but jesus christ i'm starting to get why disability gets denied so often and why nobody believes me when i seek help.

im sure some of it is just my anger spilling over, and i feel the need to get angry at people with less severe symptoms than me, but there are also just so many people here who don't have what they claim they have.

you would think as people studying mental health and illness and the brain you would know that not having any sensory or social issues prior to college means you dont qualify for an autism diagnosis. but that just slips right over so many people's heads.

im not even kidding, i had someone tell me that because im diagnosed autistic that i cant make autism jokes because it isnt fair to the people who self diagnose.

it isnt fair to some of the people who take the resources i need and delegitamize my illness.

ok!

and ofc not everyone who self diagnoses is wrong. i mean i cannot tell you the amount of people i know who suspected autism, saved up their money, and bam, autism diagnosis. Even those who can't go get a diagnosis are often correct, they have the symptoms!

but these people literally cannot stop themselves from divulging information about their pasts that proves they just have ADHD and social issues.

if you take psych classes in college people will trauma dump. its inevitable. but to trauma dump, give us a full look at you and the issues you've had, then claim a disability you don't have the symptoms of makes me upset.

i think its hard for me too because i want to pretend that autism is becoming more socially acceptable but it really isnt. the idea of "quirky childlike autism bean" is becoming popular. i miss a lot of social cues, and sometimes i say things that are not appropriate because i misread the room. accepting autism would be like my friends who explain to me why what i said isnt appropriate and help me understand nuance. accepting autism is understanding that i cant go to every social event we plan because i cant handle new people, so you plan events just for us.

it isnt people who coddle my destructive symptoms and let me get away with stuff because "well you have autism."

no autism isnt an excuse you can use for stalking someone. (yes someone tried this excuse after i reported them to administration for threats/harassment)

its not an excuse you can use for why you dont do chores or help around the apartment. (seen this one on our college yikyak)

its not a badge of honor that grants you access to some secret club.

its got perks but its got a ton of downsides. i have to consciously manage my symptoms daily. and its exhausting! but thats what its like to have something like this.

i dont wanna devalue other people's experiences, and i really just want to know why people think its so cool to be disabled. i guess i just wish i could be them. that i could have something mild or not at all and just get to claim the title and manage a couple symptoms.

but that wasnt what i got.

i think everyone who suspects a disability of sorts deserves recognition and the access to doctors who can help them for cheap or free.

even if you dont have what you think you do, you might have something else. or maybe you are even atypical!

i just get upset because i had to jump through all of these hoops and have so many people treat me different just because of some words on paper that i had to pay for. i mean seriously testing is expensive and its all for what? a piece of paper that says i cant make eye contact or handle loud sounds (/s)?

that i had to be so uncomfortable and treated so badly to find out thats whats wrong with me.

and some people just dont have to go through that.

im angry that i did and they didnt.

but thats life. its different for everyone. and i know that. i just wish i didnt get so angry sometimes.

hi im the same anon :)

honestly that hc u have is pretty solid and i even had a thought that he might be autistic. Did he had a life similar to silver where he was isolated from most people. Also its interesting how he comes from sunset savannah instead of the shaftlands despite him being based on the snow white story not the lion king. Do u think because of his origins he couldnt really fit in with most of the people ( and the most people being beastmen) but wasnt really accepted so he started copying or trying to find out how they get along the best. But at the same time, it makes sense for rook to be from there since the place is filled with beasts and he is based off a huntsman after all.

'his off-putting nature stems from a lack of social skills.' yep i agree as well honestly a lot of unsettling stuff he says or does wouldnt be so unsettling if he expressed them in a more appropriate way.

also someone told that they hc that rook is a noble which makes sense considering he is elegant enough to be a prince (if we change his haircut tho) and if he is a noble maybe like malleus he didnt grow up around the people he probably should at his age or no people. and because hes a noble nobody dares to approach him and he couldnt really reach out or connect to them. but at the same it doesnt because i dont think the huntsman would've been a noble. If he was, why was he sent to do the dirty job not his minions

also i have heard that many people consider huntsman as a false antagonist. as as he tried to kill snow white in the first place, but he actually did it out of fear of queen grimhilde aka the evil queen, who threatened to execute him if he would fail. so i think they went with that interpretation and gave rook light magic.

"an interesting character design to him, both in looks" i mean his looks is interesting...but should i be worried about your taste in men.

"at least a side story that delves more into his character." yes i hope so too uk like obey me they have a side after finishing the main story theres a part where u could go to the opposite storyline and find out about the bts. id like something like that and maybe that showcases him going through his development.

side note, im still a student who is mandated to take the subject english language even if i want to drop it. I citied them because thats the way we kinda do stuff when we have solve questions etc and thought hey wouldnt it be easier if the person understood it in more context and thus using the way to use the method ive learned in school.

I love the autistic Rook hc actually. Honestly, I think most of the characters could be labeled as autistic, but maybe that's just me. I think it would be interesting if he grew up similarly to Silver. I do remember during the Halloween event Rook mentioned one time where he got lost in the woods and spent time with wild animals, and the story seemed like it could have been based off of the Jungle Book, but maybe that's just me. But, either way, that story does seem to indicate that he was either neglected as a child or just liked adventuring on his own. As for why he lives in Sunset Savannah, most of the characters are pretty scattered about in terms of location. I know Cater, despite being a card soldier, lives in the same place as Vil and Jack, so Rook definitely isn't an outlier. I think him being there might represent how the Huntsman abandoned his home with the Evil Queen after helping Snow White. Maybe his parents (or just Rook himself) moved out to the Savannah at some point during his childhood, but that's only a small theory of mine, and I doubt it's true.

The headcanon of him being a noble is interesting, but I don't think it really works. He just doesn't seem like the type, and him being the huntsman doesn't line up either. I personally like the idea of him just lacking proper social skills much better. Also, when I mentioned his character design, I more meant how he looks despite living in the Savannah. Like, I wouldn't think someone who lives his life would look so prim and proper lol, not that I find him attractive. However, as I was writing this out, I did also remember that Rook was in Savanaclaw during his first year before moving to Pomefiore because of Vil, so I think that might be the reason.

As for a side story about his past, I wouldn't mind a vignette of him talking about his past. At the very least, I'd like for him to elaborate more about him switching dorms. From how he spoke of it, it seems like dorm switching isn't a super rare thing, but it still seems uncommon, so I'd like to hear more about it.

But, yeah, overall, Rook is an interesting character, and I would love to know more about him. He has such potential and I usually enjoy his type in other games/anime, so I'm sad I don't like him more. Hopefully we'll get more about him at some point in the future.

(Side note: it is very late when I'm writing this rn, so if any of this sounds weird or grammatically incorrect, I'm sorry lol.)

I know you posted it days ago but you said something about wanting to rant about either karl or his fanbase and its been itching at my brain. Ive no clue whats happening or what is happening at all cause no one seems to be making clear points?? Or explaining anything?

Obviously you do NOT have to talk about it im sure it might be a sore point to rant because people can get SO needlessly rude to others over it. But if you want to idk explain? Just rant? Im definetly curious what it was over or about.

The "you dont need to talk about this" is amplified by the fact i am DAYS late and you are probably over it by now.

okay hi yes im happy to talk about this but i think i should preface with two things:

1) even tho it may seem like im biased towards him or being very defensive of him im actually a super casual karl viewer and the only reason i am super defensive of him sometimes is bc we act a lot alike irl and that is mainly because of our neurodivegency. when i say a lot i mean we share traits like "annoying" stimming (jumping around, making loud noises, repeating the same phrases until everyone is sick of hearing them), the difficulty reading situations, the very obvious issues with volume control and not just bouncing from subject to subject to subject as we fucking please. basically anything you've seen karl do on stream that is Very Neurodivergent ive done the same in my own way which is why i get defensive when i see people calling him annoying or saying they dont like him, usually for these types of reasons. that being said, when i say im a very casual karl viewer, i fucking mean it. i usually only watch him when he's streaming with other ccs i like or when he's doing chill alt streams bc even with the annoying donos, he's pretty relaxing and comforting when he's just fucking around by himself and he isnt trying to get as hype as he would on a main channel stream. so yeah, it may seem like im biased and sure, i guess i am on some level, but it's not coming from a place of me hyperfixating on him or me even loving him as a cc, it's coming from me being a neurodivergent who likes him just enough to get upset when i see people basically being casually ableist towards him.

2) i dont have all the facts or even a great understanding on what the fuck has been happening recently with his "drama"...mostly bc he talked about it on his priv, which im not on, and people are gatekeeping the tweets, as they always do, and basically making you "dm to see them" (which is already a problem in and of itself bc apparently in these tweets he said he didnt want them being ss and shared, yet they are being shared thru dms over and over and over again like. at that point just stop withholding the information and post the fucking shit, you clearly dont care that he said "dont share"). additionally, most of the threads ive seen on this situation havent actually explained the initial issue, just talked about his apology (a lot of people have said "it's bad" but havent said why and with no screenshots ((i havent asked for someone to dm me them and i still havent seen them posted, which is mildly surprising, but incredibly frustrating at this point)), i only have a few basic details i can actually assess it on) or they talked about the initial issue in very vague details so um. excuse me trying to explain this now, but ill try and make it make sense with how little ive actually pieced together.

(oh, also, here's my first rant about the ableism in this fandom which is way more broad. this is a pretty different rant from that one, but they're both pretty big reasons why i hate this fandoms treatment of karl)

so basically the problems started with mr beast being apart of a charity stream that donated either to autism speaks or to a similar company, im unsure on that part. im also unsure on if the people participating in the stream actually knew of this or not bc, from what i remember, the money was being donated to a separate organization that was like. under the bad company or some shit like that, idk how stuff like that works and also i read about this shit months ago bc this originally happened months ago and just sorta came to a head recently.

anyways, i think karl was supposed to be apart of this stream but pulled out of it right before (that or these were two separate streams and karl was supposed to participate in the first but pulled out while mr beast did both?? idk. regardless karl did not actually participate, just mr beast). from there people started doing the guilt from association bullshit they always do, this was also doubled by the fact that the chris being racist stuff came out sometime around then and basically he got dragged all over twitter for "being ableist" and "supporting racists" and i cant remember if he actually apologized when this originally happened or not. i vaguely remember him apologizing about something back then but i genuinely dont know if it was this or something else.

basically that died down eventually, a good chunk of people unstanned him but him and honktwt didnt end up getting the lovely lil technotwt treatment and they still havent yet, surprisingly. good for them honestly ajsksk

but now we get to the past few weeks and apparently something happened with him "laughing at someone saying the r slur" (it was mizkif, i believe), specifically when it was directed at other people, which is a big yikes, obviously, but when karl was called out for this a lot of people kind of. made this into a situation that it wasnt bc um. basically karl didnt laugh at it, he gave a few nervous giggles, as people often do when in a situation like that (and karl specifically said he does this in the one part of his apology tweet which i did stumble upon, although it wasnt the important part of the apology thread bc why would it be) and people fucking crucified him for it. they quite literally dragged a neurodivergent man for supposedly "laughing at the r slur" when he can literally reclaim it and also he was just nervous laughing.

and this is where the situation just gets really bad because they. basically forced him to admit that he was autistic on his priv to apologize for this. i havent seen the screenshots of him saying this, but i saw people discussing it and i am frankly so fucking pissed about this because sure, it was a bad situation, and i understand people wanting an explanation, but an apology? for a neurodivergent man nervous laughing at a slur he can reclaim? and then forcing the man to admit something he literally said in that tweet he didnt want people to know which is why people were being so gatekeepy about it while also LOUDLY discussing the situation, as if that wouldnt drive MORE PEOPLE to look for screenshots and ways to get ahold of this information? and then people had the audacity to call it a "bad apology" when they had quite literally just violated his privacy by forcing him to admit something that he shouldnt have needed to share in the first place if he didnt want to, which he didnt.

and this is why im so pissed off. karl is already constantly picked at and made fun of and called annoying for his neurodivergent traits, things which he literally cant help, things which are generally harmless, and now he was forced into a situation where he can now be further picked at and made fun of and called annoying bc they forced him to admit something private instead of just understanding and accepting that he had been nervous laughing at someone using a slur he has definetly been called for his neurodivergency.

tldr of my thoughts: yes i think karl needed to address this situation, it definetly looked bad, but twitter stans have this sense of entitlement with their ccs and because of that, they consistently take it way too far and harm the people they claim to care about so dearly. we've seen it happen time and time again with dream, but this is the first time ive seen them basically force someone to out themselves to make their apology "valid" and most of them still seem to not want to accept it anyways, which just makes me feel bad for him bc now that info is out their and people are just disregarding it to continue "holding him accountable".

anyways, i think that's all i can really say on this topic rn tbh, if anyone else knows this situation better please feel free to lmk clarifications and ill add them in since, like i said, i know fuck all thanks to twitter being so goddamn hush hush about the important details while simultaneously being the loudest mfers about how much they hate karl now instead of just fucking unfollowing and moving on.

thanks for the ask and im sorry if this is confusing!! i just think this is one of those weird situations where like. i think karl deserved some criticism for what happened and how he handled it or at least he shouldve been asked to address it but that just. isnt what happened, at all. he was harrassed. karl got harrassed and because of that he handled this situation even more sloppily than he probably wouldve and exposed private info about himself that he didnt feel comfortable doing and it just. fucking sucks tbh.

anyways, autistic adult here going out to all the autism parents out there;;; stop fucking bragging about abusing your autistic kids. i lived through my autistic childhood, you havent, you need to hear me out. stop posting your horrible ‘inspirational stories’ about how happy you are that you ‘pushed through’ and did something awful and distressing to your child in an effort to make them normal. it is so harmful and so disgusting for autistic people to have to hear about. those stories make me wanna gag. they give me physical discomfort, the way these people are so... Proud of themselves, for thinking they are ‘eradicating’ these evil autism symptoms, like the symptoms arent just an inherent fucking PART of their child they destroyed out of blind ignorant ‘care’. fucking listen to yourself. you did not help them. i dont care that they learned some new (usually unnecessary and performative) neurotypical skill you had been pushing on them for years. i dont care how fuzzy inside that makes you feel. i dont care about whatever you come up with that proves their ‘progress’. no. you were projecting your frustrations. you were pressuring them into smth they didnt need. you didnt Fucking help them. you made them Conform. you Hurt them to make them act like everyone else, bc you let yourself become that convinced that their autism is whats damaging them, and not the outside world that tries to dismantle what they are on the daily, for no fucking REASON besides irrationally projecting your own standards and ideals onto them. the ‘cure’ for autism is not ‘acting normal’, for gods sake. you Punished them for being autistic instead of accepting it and accommodating them. frankly, no matter your real intention, its selfish.

like. im sorry but im livid, i am TIRED of seeing this kind of shit encouraged everywhere. forcing your kid into meltdowns unless it is a 110% safety concern, is abuse and disability discrimination, especially when you are trying to force them to be ‘normal’ by punishing them in these awful prejudiced ways until they meet YOUR idealized standards of functioning and ‘quality of life’, which is self centered for gods sake! like! nah man actually im totally fine with some of my symptoms if you people would just leave me the fuck alone about it??? i like stimming, i like special interests, my ‘sensory issues’ can become blissful when i find the right sensory experience, my struggle to communicate has given me so many beautiful Alternatives and connected me with so many people. im fucking fine, i dont always need to bend to you, you can bend to me sometimes, okay? like. smh, neurotypicals/abled people, society revolves around you, sure, but that doesnt mean someone being Different from you makes them the wrong or unhealthy one... they can be Perfectly happy even though they dont live the way you do, and to think otherwise is again, just really self centered. why are you the default? why is YOUR HAPPINESS with YOUR LIFE the default standard??? someone being different from you doesnt always mean their existence automatically Pains them, or that its Lesser or Worse. accommodation and understanding does a hell of a lot better for somebody than trying to just force them to act how you do under the ignorant assumption that it Must be inherently better for them and their existence. “but- things would be easier for them if they were normal right! thats just how the world is!” cool. but they arent. listen to me. They Arent. just fucking accept that, and focus on fixing the obviously bigger issue, the whole ‘WORLD’ part that rejects everything abnormal, jesus christ. like honestly, thats the worst part about being ‘abnormal’, how the outside world fucking treats you. its how they wont fucking let you exist and wont get off their ass to try and understand or support you, without conditions that include ‘copy me as best as you can so its easier for me’. the worst part is that the people who ‘support’ you view that support as wittling you into something less difficult for them to ‘help’ at the expense of your fucking basic comforts or happiness, and they still think theyre doing you a noble favor by making you like themselves. ffs. guys. stop abusing your kids. stop.

“well guys, my autistic kid wouldnt stop pissing themselves so i just stopped buying diapers and made them sit on the toilet for 6 hours, and guess what, they use the toilet the Right way now! :)” “my kid wouldnt hug me or say i love you, so i held them down on the bed till they stopped fighting my affection! now we hug all the time!” “i took away my childs favorite item until they were able to verbally ask for it back. now they know how to say “please”. they must be SO much happier!” i need for you to listen to me right now. you are not fixing them. you are not HELPING THEM. you are breaking them into your neurotypical life like a pair of fucking tennis shoes. its for you. you are conditioning them, with trauma. the fact that you dont see that is a Disturbing display of how little you actually are trying to understand about your child’s life, or frankly anybody elses experiences besides yours. Leave them the fuck alone. you really wanna help your autistic kid fit into the world? dont punish them for stimming, tell ppl in public to stop fucking staring, bc it is their fucking problem. dont force your type of affection or communication, pay some fuckin attention and you’ll start noticing the ways in which THEY communicate with you, which is just as fine. and for the love of god my dude! buy diapers! they exist for a reason! just buy your fucking child their fucking diapers. ill kick your ass oh my God, 

I said “I wont elaborate” under my Gojou is autistic blurb earlier but that was because it was 3am and now its not and im more or less conscious (Awake would be an overstatement) and my need to overshare is as big as my brain telling me not to because my words dont make any sense anyyway (Unstoppable force VS unmoveable object)

This isnt meta or an analysis its just me screaming excitedly into the void while i wait for my headphones to charge so i can leave the house (music blocks out noises)

So why would I say he is autistic in the first place? Because I can. “Oh but he doesnt seem autistic hes so open and extroverted and talkative” Bruh, if i would have to list all extroverted, talkative, open autistic people i know we would still be sitting here tomorrow. Autistic = introverted, quiet and shy is a false equivalency and we should bury it. Anyway, I wouldnt have thought of him as autistic too until i read how everyone else around him (sometimes including the reader) reacts to him. How they describe him and I realised that this didnt match up at all with what I was perceiving. And then i realised that people used to perceive me exactly the same way as they perceive Gojou now. The reason they now view me differently is 1. I avoid people out of fear 2. I did years of therapy and introspection and think i have the worst mistakes under control now. NTs are really picky with what behaviours they accept and when and seriously i still dont know what their deal is, just chill out. I am still consciously choosing different dialogue options than i normally would but those would piss people off for reasons i can only vaguely understand. Gojou meanwhile doesnt limit himself like that, he does what many of us really want and just says whatever. Hes still respected cuz hes the strongest sorcerer while when i would say whatever i naturally would people would beat the shit out of me. (Catch me throwing hands with Barbara in the soup aisle because i let her know that her coat is hideous. After all, if people are allowed to openly and loudly tell me that the way i look is weird then i should be allowed to tell people that their fashion sense sucks. At least their choice is deliberate while i can do very little about my face)

Okay back on track. Gojou actually sucks at communicating. But he has enough self-esteem to not care. If they dont get him they dont get him and those who will, will. People would perceive him differently if he wouldnt suck. He sucks at communcating empathy He sucks at communicating his thoughts and intentions He sucks at communicating his emotions He only sucks at this in the eyes of many neurotypicals, mind you. My autistic bff and me understood him plenty. (Pls dont ask me what he Actually means cuz i just cannot put it into words. If i could i would have more friends cuz i wouldnt suck at communicating too) Somehow his use of metaphors stroke some people as odd which stroke me as odd cuz many people do that to help others or themselves understand complex issues better. But apparently when he does it its wrong? Maybe because you need to know the source of the metaphor? I dunno. Probably. I think if he opens his mouth to say something you only get roughly 50-60% of the actual message. The emotions, true intentions and everything else is left behind cuz shits hard to communicate, especially when your mind has a million thoughts at once and everything is happening so much. Its something you just learn to live with eventually. Some start overexplaining, some dont realise that the other party doesnt get the entire message and some dont care. I mostly overexplain, Gojou doesnt care. Its like youre getting only raw data and data isnt the most emotional stuff ever, right? (Unless youre a nerd like me and get Very Emotional over raw space data because SPACE IS BEAUTIFUL, MAN) I forgot what else i wanted to say because

Unlimited Void just reads like a sensory overload. Someone should trap me in there and I would probably say it feels like a regular Tuesday. The entire eye thing reads like either constant sensory overload or having shitty eyesight or both. (As someone who has both..... both) I have to block out sounds and Gojou has to block out sight, understandable. Sight is the sense we take in the most with so i can imagine that gets overloaded the fastest, especially when you see more than regular people do. (Sometimes it DOES feel like we see more than everyone else. Maybe we do? Who knows) Like yesterday i went absolutely ballistic in the supermarket cuz they changed their entire layout and colour scheme and its already a big and noisy and overwhelming store to begin with and the new layout made everything even worse. New things sucks. They make me anxious. Unless i want them. Years before i was only able to enter a store with music on and blocking out every other noise and dont even attempt to talk to me Im focussing on not loosing my shit over all the other senses being overloaded. Now i learned to suppress the shutdown until im back home so i can loose my shit there. Have you ever seen everything at once? Heard everything at once? If youre NT you maybe say yes but i would say nah you havent. If you would you would loose your shit, you wouldnt even know what to do anymore, you would probably either lie down on the floor screaming or shut down completely and not do anything, because just breathing is now taking all energy. There is nothing because there is everything. Yeah sounds like Unlimited Void to me, if you ask me.

I forgot every other reason i had because what is Taking Notes So You Can Remember Later, theres only one impulse after another cuz ADHD. (They too see and hear and notice everything at once) This is a jumbled mess, have fun

Personal post...again

Tw: rape, eating disorder

And I'm sorry this is long but I need to get this out.

I think the biggest thing that hurts me with my mother is the fact she disregards what I tell her as exaggeration, or that I do it for attention.

It goes back to my teen years.

Middle school was awful for me. Honestly, all school was. Growing up autistic but not knowing you're autistic is....hard. it's even harder when you've got a shit load of trauma and other issues to deal with to.

When my mom found out I cut myself, instead of trying to understand why I did it, she lectured me on how she coulsnt understand why I did that because shes never felt that way. Now, I'm not saying she couldnt be upset by it....but it wasnt somethibg I was proud of. And when she told me I must be doing it for attention, I knew I probably wasnt going to be able to tell her about the things that happen in my life that are hard kater on...even though I really needed someone. It's not like she wasnt EVER there, but the really really big things....it wasnt talked about. And when it wasnt talked about, it wasnt believed.

The time I told her I was raped, barely 15, and then a few years later finding out she didnt believe me. Her reasoning? Because right after we went to dinner i was 'happy'. And that the years after I was 'sexual' with guys. Because people who are raped are supposed to be sex repulsed and numb.

I was incredibly numb. However, I've learned how to mask. Much like I've learned how to mask my autism.

Instead of taking the time to ask my counselor what coping looks like for trauma, she assumed that it wasnt that bad and determined I just wanted it and that the guy never called me back. She assumed rhat since I said I didnt want dad to know, that I didnt want anyone to know....that it must not have happened because you 'tell' a parent these things.

She only figured out I wasnt lying after having a heart to heart with my aunt and my aunt chewing out my mother for not doing more.

Then got mad I never wanted to go to the cops.

I still, dont think I would have wanted to go to the cops.

The emo kid (me) vs the star mormon football player? In a very mormon town with mormon cops? Yeah. I dont think they would have believed me.

And look, I understand that it's hard for a parent to hear that, but the lack of support I received due to my mom always deflecting it to 'it cant possibly be that bad' on top of me not even knowing I was autistic so it was incredibly hard for me to express things.....I'd say that the person going through trauma, twice in the same 15th year...is worse. And the years to come with me battling my own turmoil, keeping things in, her butting into my life to 'help' in ways that didnt help. It was based on what she believed was correct, and not what I felt I wanted in order to express myself.

Years following I developed an eating disorder which caused me to binge large amounts of junk food, hate myself after, and starve myself. I still struggle with it, but now I just dont really eat.

Instead of asking WHY I did this to myself, I got shouted at, scolded and accused of stealing money, or using hers to get things.. Instead of understanding I had an eating disorder, it was determined by my own mother that I probably was just a liar and manipulator.

The money stealing is funny too, because I hid my tattoos from her for that very reason. By that I mean, the accusation that I stole money for it when I actually saved up to get them.

I deflected whenever someone would ask me about my eating habits and would say I wasnt doing that because 1. I was terribly ashamed of the fact I was binge eating. 2. The sheer mention reminded me of my trauma and the lack of support I had in that. 3. Because if I talked about it, I remembered why I did it, and that wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all

I became incredibly hypersexual after my trauma as well. The reasonings for this are complex, but the main two being that I didnt understand the context of how to get someone to like me, beyond sex. It was basically a way for me to control the situation I didnt have control of before. Much like...trying to redo losing my virginity by just saying yes. Becayse if you say yes, it cant possibly be rape right? On top of still not understanding social things as well.

Not all people who experience this form of trauma are sex repulsed.

And like my now therapist said, me being happy right after was a way my brain coped. When something like that happens, your brain tries the best it can to cope. And that's how I coped. By faking. Which I was already good at with my masking.

Then, I got mono. This turned into a chronic thing. I already had all this mental stuff to deal with. This turned into chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. My immune system is shit. I do not rest. No support on that. The years to follow have been me figuring out what the hell's wrong with me, and my mom being wishy washy on what's real and what's not because 'if you really had that then the first doctor we went to would know'...without realizing that for many people it takes years to get diagnosed with things.

To this day, it's the same.

My mom brought up my trauma yesterday. I told her that there was more than just 2, but I wasnt going to talk about it because I didnt feel comfortable. She reiterated that I couldnt be mad at her for not believing me at 15 because 'it was hard for me to hear that abd you were happy and very promiscuous after and manipulated my emotions a lot'.

I think I have every right to be upset when someone doesnt believe me at 15 that I was raped. I think I have every right to be upset at the sheer accusation that I would LIE about a traumatic experience....that my way of coping god forbid be different than your own standards.

Beyond that though, I'm just tired.

I'm so tired of the constant wishy washyness. The constant arguments we have because she wants to make everything about her, and while I love my mother, its incredibly invalidating to state that I'm chronically ill and to be told 'you're only 26, I'm 63, get over it', then the next day be understanding. Theres so much I could get into with all this but the AMOUNT is overwhelming.

Hell, for a solid month I didnt talk to her because she stated the reason I came out as non binary was for attention. And she sidnt get why I wouldnt talk to her.

Can you just pick a fucking side? I need you to just support me instead of throwing things like 'well I have a hard time believing you because you manipulated me as a teen' when I never did that.

Theres so much I could go into. I'm just tired. The constant wishy washy, the constant blame on me and then to turn it into 'oh then it's all my fault' when I never said that.

Just fucking accept that my life isnt going to be how you pictured it. And I'm sorry that im not an easy person to understand, but it just feels like you never tried. It was always let's do it my way, and when I finally sidnt want to do that, I get punished

Im tired. I just want it to end.

And no, I cannot move out. I have no where to go. I have no money. I cannot work as much as I'd need to get enough for my own place.

The best I can do is to try to cope with the constant invalidation. Cling onto the good times. My mom isnt a bad person, and I dont think she really UNDERSTANDS how much shit affects me. I just wish shed put aside her own emotions and face reality.

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2021

i missed some days, so im just gonna put em all in one post!!

okay these ended up being super long, so im gonna put em under a cut, if anybody is interested in reading them

April 2nd: Post your redinstead photos today. Alternatively, you could talk about what autistic pride/autism acceptance month means to you.

to me, this month means being open and honest about being autistic even in situations where in the past i might have just not mentioned it. it is okay to be autistic and being proud of that helps people understand me better and it helps pave the way for other autistics to be treated better as well. being autistic does present challenges for me, but there are a lot of parts of being autistic that i wouldnt give up for anything. it is intrinsic to who i am as a person and i honestly love those parts of myself the most.

April 3rd: How do you feel about dating/romantic relationships? Have you dated in the past/are you currently in a relationship/do you eventually want one? Do you feel that your experience of autism/stereotypes around autism and relationships impacts this?

honestly this is a really heavy question for me, so ill keep things brief. i have been in relationships in the past, but even if i did have romantic interest in another person i would absolutely not want to be in a relationship and it will be a long time before thats something i can feel comfortable trying out again. being autistic absolutely has had an impact and all im going to say on it is that it made me very vulnerable and unfortunately i was with someone who took advantage of those vulnerabilities and im still really fucked up from it.

April 4th: Are there any topics regarding autism that you feel don’t get discussed enough?

i think something that doesnt really get talked about much, if its even talked about at all, is the specifics on how much work goes into trying to appear allistic or neurotypical. for those of us, myself included, who are lucky enough to be able to learn ways to approximate normality. so much deliberate thought, effort, and learning (which comes with it dozens and hundreds or even thousands of times fucking up the same kind of thing before eventually getting it “right”) is poured into trying to make ourselves seem more “normal” so people might want to be our friend or at least not be mad at us for something that they dont even tell us what we did wrong for doing. i always want to fix my mistakes and make things right because i dont want to cause any harm or do anything upsetting, so i want to make sure that i fix things the best i can if i do, but many times people wont even say what it is (or theyll wait until they feel the need to blow up about it instead of trying to address it sooner) and that obviously makes things a lot harder to take care of for all parties. that was kind of a tangent, but yeah, it takes a lot of effort to try and function in a world and in a way that needs to be learned by rote instead of done naturally. the work needs to be acknowledged and also validated bc so many people (myself included) get told by other people that they dont think we’re autistic (regardless of the presence of a diagnosis - in my case, intensive testing was done when i was a kid where it was wholeheartedly confirmed - but i can smile and make small talk so clearly im not actually autistic right? /s

April 5th: What was school like for you, or what is it currently like for you if you are still in school? Elementary, high school, post-secondary?

academically, school was pretty good for me. thankfully, the way school is formatted was a way that i could work well in and i was never behind on any standards. it was honestly a double edged sword tho, cuz teachers wouldnt really care if i turned in work or not cuz they knew i understood the material, so it wasnt until i had a teacher with a doctorate in education during elementary school that my (for lack of a better word) deficiencies were actually treated seriously and a push was made to get my challenges addressed. it wasnt until high school that my grades got kinda iffy, and there were multiple factors that contributed to me having a rough time with things, mostly social and sensory issues. despite my diagnosis being because of a teacher noting difficulties i was having, i never had a 504 or iep and, even though i still got good grades, there were ways i was struggling that i wish i got accommodations for. in hs especially, passing periods alone were really overwhelming for me and i would literally just lie down in my bed all day after coming home from school (and when i was also doing theatre i would end up neglecting a lot of things bc of my exhaustion). socially, i had some troubles. i didnt have a super terrible experience, but it still wasnt anywhere near great. i had some friends here and there throughout, but i never quite felt a sense of belonging anywhere and barely ever saw friends outside of school. overall, ive been a pretty lonely person and i think it is definitely in part due to being autistic. i have tried to remedy that, to varying degrees of success, but it doesnt really stick. i do have a couple of friends ive managed to still keep in decent contact with, but i really want to branch out more and be friends with more people (i am working on it tho, and im hopeful about some new developments). im not in post-secondary yet, but i hope to someday get a doctorate (mostly for myself, but i mean i do want to be a leading expert in the mental health field so i am hoping that the advanced degree helps give me a leg up).

my  entire life story

Hi, I wanna tell u all about me and my life story. i was born and everything was fine for a few mins. Shortly after I was born I had a stroke. I had to be taken to the Miami children hospital and was put into a coma because i was having so many seizure When I woke up I was taken cared of by the doctors. After 3 weeks of lots of testing they discovered i had a stroke and  had epilepsy. I was able to go home afterwards with lots of seizure medison after my 2 disabilities  were  found. When I turned 5 years old I started to struggle on my first year of school. The stroke affected all my learning abilities. It affected my math, reading, reading comprehension, , learning memory, writing and spelling. I was slow learner  then everyone else in school. I get extended time on tests and help with homework due to my learning disability. For my math disability it makes me struggle with adding,subtraction,multiplication dividing and remembering numbers. For my reading disability i struggle with reading, decoding, remembering, getting lost when reading, read words wrong, re read what I'm reading, skipping words ,pronouncing and sounding out words. Four my writing i struggle with spelling,takes me a very long time to write, forget ending of the words, spell the words a different way and make punctuation errors. It doesn't mean i cant write. It's just harder then most people. My tests and work are sometimes modified because its to hard for me. People sometimes think i cant talk but i can. It's just i don't know what to say. The doctors who studied my mind said that My stroke makes me rock my body and bounce my head  and body subconsciously, I do it without knowing I'm doing it. I'm often told by people I shouldn't do that and get told to stop rocking my body or bouncing my head and body  because its considered weird and can make people uncomfortable because they often don't understand , dont do it themselves, dont have anybody in there family that does it, cant relate and its considered not normal , weird and different.  

but  the question we should all be asking is what is normal though? there is no  such thing as normal.  ill get stares by people for doing these  behaviors. when ever somebody pointed  it  out i felt  judged  and scared and felt like they thought i was weird. Did u know people made rocking chairs? if u see someone who rocks there body or bounces there head and body  and u notice  they arent aware there doing it please dont bring it up. if i rock my body or bounce my head and body  dont make me feel embarrassed. im doing subconsciously. Not every person that rocks there body  or bounces there head or body is a  weird  person. dont always assume when somewon rocks there body or bounces there body or head  are weird. i will rock my body subconsciously when im listening to music,  when im  thinking about something,  happy,sad,scared, or angry.  i might  do it randomly  subconsciously without any of these reasons above.  there are 3 reasons why a person rocks there body or bounces there body and or bounces there head. number 1: its because they were just born that way. number 2: they could be brain damage and u wouldnt even know it. if you ever meet or met somewon whos had a stroke or some type of brain injury  theres a 50 chance there gonna rock there body and/or  bounce there  head and body. number 3: its a obsessive compulsive behavior for that person. When I was 5 years old I started to do behaviors and show symptoms of another disability. My parents didn't really think much of it. They always thought it was just my stroke. Then one day my mom was reading about autism and Started to realize I was showing the same symptoms and behaviors. My mom went to the doctors and said to them what symptoms and behaviors I was showing and the doctors started to agree with her. So the neurologist doctors were studying my mind and were looking at my damage to my mind. theirs no test for autism but there are people who went to schools to study the mind and watch it by looking at it, recording it , observing it, watching what a persons doing and reading books about the mind. And it turned out I had another disability. Which was called Autism. At the time I didn't even know I would have autism because my parents never mentioned it to me and kept it hidden from me. They never felt the need to label me because it was very mild and didn't change who I was.

My 6th grade year came when i was 12 years old and it was bad. That was the year I found out I had autism. When I was in my math class I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then my teacher asked me why I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then I said i don't know why i just am. After i said that the teacher randomly says you have Autism. I said wait i have autism? And she said yep you do have autism. I thought to myself no i cant be. I thought i was misdiagnosed. And i told her prove it I don't believe u. Then she pulled out a paper and it said  i was  a student diagnosed with high functioning autism. When i saw that paper i was surprised and after a few mins i started to cry. i thought why me? and thought to myself i already had a stroke and learning issues. why do i have autism as well? I knew i would have to deal with this the rest of my life i thought to myself will i never have friends or get married because of my autism disability? Mom walked in the room a few mins after i found out and she saw me crying and started to wonder why i was crying and asked me whats wrong. my teacher realized telling me was a huge mistake.   my teacher told my mom we need to talk and pulled my mom aside for a moment. That's when my teacher told her. she said she was so sorry  to my mom and   said  she accidentally told me i have autism.   after that she told me come on  will talk about it more in the car. and i told her is what she saying true? is that paper true?  she told me come on again and i started to question in my head why isnt she telling me. i was still crying at the  time  while leaving the school and walking to the  car. After that we went into the car to get ready  to go to the doctors appointment and before we drove there she  told me i have a very mild form of autism. Then i asked my mom what caused it and she said nothing caused it and i was just born that way and she told me autism isn't something that can happen to u.     Brain injuries can cause autism like symptoms and or autism like behaviors but not autism. Autism is the same as having Down syndrome. I was born with autism and at the same time had a stroke a few mins after my birth. My autism makes me have sensory sensitivity issues with sound and can cause sounds to hurt me and sometimes becomes overload. my autism makes me have deficits in my social skills meaning there always impaired.   My social deficits impairments are making friendships, maintaining friendships, getting into a romantic relationship, continuing a  romantic relationship, starting,continuing ,ending conversations,  Reading facial expressions, body language, social cues, reading tone of voice , joining in group interactions and reading what people are thinking. My autistic behaviors are rewinding,obsessions, literal thinking, sameness with food, flat affect, monotone voice, asking the same question over and over, repeating myself and no filter. i might say something completly random and people would be surprised, think its idiotic  or  find it funny. you cant go around and force friendships they just have to happen. thats like forcing somewon to love u when they dont love u back. i dont want people to be my friend just because they feel bad for me.  I  want to be like everyone else.   i want people to understand me. its time to talk about how i feel. when ever im alone or out  in public i sometimes think to myself will i ever find love someday and have friends?   they say u cant find love you just need to let it come to you.   when im out in public i always see people with there friends talking and having a good time.  when i was in school i always   saw   people hugging  and kissing there loved ones in the hallways   and still see people  do  out in public places. i would  see people in the hallways, at lunch and walking down stairs  talking to there friends. i thought to myself why is it so easy for people to make conversations, relationships and friendships that fast?  i also thought to myself why am i not experiencing this as well? lets talk about my school experiences. when i was at my old  school i always had people who hated me  and  thought i was an idiot and i didnt know why.   i now know why they hated me. it was because of my autism, learning disability and the way i behaved. because i say random things, am quiet, dont talk the way most people do,behave differently  and have learning disabilities people think im not smart and think im an idiot because of the way i interact, behave  and  take longer to learn things.

i wanna explain emotions for a minute.

i always struggle with talking about  my feelings because  im worried how people will react. at a young age ur taught and told  not to show and express ur emotions. in public  and when ur around people  or someone u think u need to be happy all the time because showing emotion isnt acceptable. the only acceptable emotion ur allowed to show is to be happy. when ever u show ur sad ,scared or angry  about something people will tell u to stop acting like a kid and say  ur being rediculous.  im here to tell u its ok to show and express your emotions. were not robots. showing emotions is natural. its what makes us HUMAN. what is monotone voice? its when u speak without emotion. flat affect is when u show no emotions. what is a obsession? its when you think about something all the time or alot and talk about it alot.  it also  means u might need to compulsively do something  in order to get rid of the thought. literal thinking is when u believe anything and anybody tells you. it means you have struggle understanding metaphors, know when someones  joking  and figure of speech. i might speak literal at times. i may not always respond in the normal way. lets talk about rewinding for a moment. when i say rewinding i might go back to a certain part of a video or song and you might question it.   when i say no filter i mean i might say things that are racist, things you shouldnt say , inappropriate things and being honest, without realizing and aware what im saying is that and i might not understand why its not ok to say those things. being honest isnt always a bad thing but it can hurt someones  feelings and come across as being rude. because my autism makes me not think clearly i really need to think about it.

because i might say racist or inappropriate things people will get the wrong idea and it might make them feel bad about themselves and come across as im a bad person. if i ever  say something racist i usually would feel bad. only a racist person wouldn't feel bad.  

when i mean i struggle with reading tone of voice i mean i cant always tell when somewons being sarcastic, serious, speaking in a way that there bored, angry,happy,sad and all the other types of tone of voice.   i cant always tell when someone looks happy,sad, angry,scared,surprised bored,annoyed  and any other facial expressions. i wanna talk about repeating for a moment. when i say  i repeat myself  i might say the same thing again or over and over again without even knowing and aware im doing it.

 I never went around and told anyone about my autism and was told mine isn't the type where u can tell by looking at me. The rewinding was the only thing that became noticeable and people would question it but never knew i had it until they were told. if u were to look at me you wouldn't have guessed or noticed.  

When i mean i struggle with making conversations i mean i struggle with small talk and talking to people. There's the hi how are u? Then u say good or fine and sometimes ask back how are u? Then that person says good. But it never goes anywhere. I learn social skills. Does that mean i have great social skills? Nope. They will Always be impaired. in order to get an autism diagnosis it NEEDS to be disabling in some way and needs to always impair  and limit  the person.  what high functioning really means is how well a person can pass and  look normal. I was an autistic child and teenager and ill become an autistic adult and eventually an autistic old man. People think autism goes away when you get older which is not true.  Alot of the time people don't try to get to know me. i usually get ignored alot. i  sometimes dont try to get to know people because there judgemental and im afraid they just see me as some dumb  and weird person. I get uncomfortable when around you and other people because of my autism. I may be socially awkward  or appear annoying because of my deficits impairments. People don't often stop to think why that persons uncomfortable or socially awkward.    i sometimes dont respond to people because i dont know what to say , how to respond ,may not understand what there saying and need time to think. because i might not respond people might get confused,might  think i did not  hear them or think im ignoring them when im not. i didnt like being in special ed sometimes because there were people who came to help students with special needs when  some people see  a person in special ed they sometimes  automatically think that there dumb and to stupid.   not every person who helps a special needs person  are like that  and think that way but alot people are like that sadly. i  worry what  people think of me.

most people dont ever give me a chance.

whenever i was in a normal class i liked it because they wouldnt think of anything at all. i felt  normal  when ever i went in the regular classes. When i was in 10th grade i wrote a speech about my autism. i never thought people would like it. after i read it the whole class clapped. when they clapped i felt really happy and felt proud. I want friends but don't know always how to make them. people think i dont want friends and thats not true. there are 2 others reasons i struggle with making friends and there a small part on why its hard for me to make friends. first reason people judge me because my hand is bent and my fingers look weird  and different a bit. second reason i have trouble making friends is because i have learning issues. when a person sees u arent smart they think  your an idiot. people  nowadays only want to be friends, date and marry people who are considered not dumb and different. i know im not dumb im actually very smart. i have a very good vocabulary then most people and thats a stereotype where people think autistic people are smart and speak smart then most people.

Let's talk about cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy is when you have trouble walking, eating,swallowing , have mussles issues and have speech issues. I mumble and talk to quietly without realizing it and might stutter. I trip and fall easily.   lets talk about my childhood. I grew up not having the childhood most people had where you talked to people, hanged out with friends, eating lunch with friends, going to sleep overs and parties with friends. I wish i got to have those experience but sadly i wont be able to because I'm older now. As you grow up ur expected a lot more and people expect you to behave a certain way , talk a certain way and  do certain things. people dont like it when you dont act like them, talk a certain way and behave like them. if you dont behave and talk the way people think u should act and say you will most likely not be accepted and they wouldnt ever want to be your friend, date you, marry you and get to know you because to them ur considered weird,dumb and not the social and society norm. in there eyes different is considered bad and shameful.  it makes people who want u to behave a certain way and talk a certain way angry because ur not meeting there expectations and want u to not be yourself. if you arent extroverted and if you dont talk people will make comments about it and tell you why dont u talk? well to answer your question i cant always talk because there are social rules you always have to follow and if u dont follow them people will get mad at u.  i cant always talk because i  dont always have a filter. if i were to talk about something that wasn't inappropriate and it was a normal conversation they probably wouldnt like it because to them its not the right way to talk. im sometimes quiet because i have nothing to say. you know the phrase people tell u to to just be yourself? yeah that phrase is a lie. What if you couldn't always do those things because of ur issues?  or what if u liked yourself for who you were and what you are? Why do people have to act a certain way and  talk a certain way just to be accepted? It sometimes makes me sad because i cant be myself. Nobody can honestly be themselves due to society. but sadly you have to behave  and talk  certain way. people try to stop and change people who are different. I enjoy some of my autism actually and wouldn't want to be cured. i like that i can rewind something and never get tired of watching it. We need to learn to stop caring what people think of us and learn to stop judging each other, weather people are good or bad. Nobodies perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. We need to just learn and grow. I hope that when i get friends and a girlfriend ill be accepted and if i ever do get married i hope I'm accepted by my wife to. people with learning disabilities get made fun of because they have a hard time  with reading, writing ,math and spelling. people try to act cool and popular in elementary school, middle school and high school.

but what they often dont realize is when they graduate high school they will no longer be considered cool and popular and will be like everyone else. I don't feel bad for myself.

There are some good things about myself. I'm non judgemental,accepting, nice ,smart and funny. I try my best to be a good person but i sometimes don't know how.

Sometimes i try my best to hide my right hand by Putting on my brace that makes it straight and people would just think i broke my arm.

I'll hide My right hand by using a long sleeve shirt and covering my right hand with the long sleeve just to make people not notice and look normal as possible. if somewon doesn't like that your a introvert then you dont need them in ur life. if u are extrovert accept it but dont change someone  else personality. if u are a introvert accept  your personality. if u are both extrovert and introvert personality accept it.

if someone doesn't like that you are being yourself , doesn't like  your  personality or is not liking that you arent talking and behaving  the way u should then forget them.

accept your personality. accept yourself for who you are and be yourself whether people like it or not. if u meet some won that is disabled or not try to get to know them.

If u see some won who's had a stroke help them and be there friend if u want to. If there's a person who's autistic you should accept them.  

if you love somebody who is  disabled, different or both you should accept them. if you have a friend that are any of these you should accept them.   if u have a friend or love somebody that doesn't have any issues and  there  just normal you should still accept them. I am so much more then my disability labels. Remember to be accepting of people who are different, black, white, Indian, Chinese gay,straight,bisexual,transgender,, asexual, lesbian, have anxiety disorder issues, have eating disorder,   disabled  Or not disabled and are just as normal as you.

I don't enjoy having these disabilities. But will always have to deal with them.

I hope my life gets better.