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oracleact · 1 year

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« nothing on me »

bayverse raph x reader / fluff + angst

notes: 1.8k words, first person pov, established relationship, gender neutral reader (no pronouns used,) details of injuries and tending to said injuries.

a knock on the window at 3am? that only means one thing: the turtles are here. smiling, I rub the remnants of sleep from my eyes and hop out of bed to open up the curtain. only one turtle faces me at the window though - raphael.

I open the window and help his wide frame step down from the ledge, but my previous smile fades fast when raph groans in pain as he steps onto the floor.

“raph, what’s wrong? where are the rest of the boys? what happened?” I speak as fast as possible to try and get to his answer, worry eating away at me with each second that passes.

my raph is the mass strength and rough hand amongst the turtles. he can handle a lot of damage since he always manages to deal out more than what is done onto him. seeing him bent over, actually using my arm for support and not simply holding me because he wants to, groaning in genuine pain rather than letting out his usual gruff noises of acknowledgment - that scares me. it terrifies me when I don’t know what has happened.

“I told them to check on dad,” he begins breathlessly, “I needed you. it’s really bad this time.”

my eyes widen and I hurry him to the side of my bed, the mattress creaking under his weight. I grasp his face in my hands to check him over, turning his head every which way, but see nothing apart from a few new scratches on his skin.

“what do you mean ‘really bad,’ raph? you’re scaring me.”

“my—“ he lifts his arm and tries to reach for the back of his shell, failing miserably and almost howling out in pain, “my shell, sweetheart. I haven’t seen it yet but I heard it crack and this pain is too much for it to just be taped up.”

I scuttle around his large form and am immediately hit with the sight of a deep crack in the middle of his shell. he was right to come straight to me with this one. he should always come to me with injuries but is too stubborn most of the time and rides out the pain: ‘it may look bad to you but it’s nothing on me.’

when the boys started to properly use their skills outside of the lair, with the risk of larger injuries increasing, I began to research and teach myself how to handle ones specific to these mutants. thanks to many in depth articles about turtle care, I have safely cleaned and covered up small cracks before. the only difference between the boys and ‘normal’ turtles in regards to care like this is their size - it takes longer and requires more focus to clean cracks, ensuring that they can heal appropriately over time. although tonight’s damage will take double that, and maybe more.

“oh raph, oh my…how? wait, don’t answer that. I’m doing my first aid stuff then we can talk about it, okay?” he nods with a sad smile and all I can do is reach out and cup his cheek, returning the expression he gave me. he moves my hand to his lips for a quick kiss before I start scurrying off to grab what I need.

let’s see - chlorohexidine solution, q-tips, cotton pads, adhesive patches and a towel. is that all I need? I have no idea right now; I’m so scared to touch him that I feel like stalling for as long as I can.

I walk slowly back to where he sits on the edge of my bed, his head resting in one hand as the other rubs at his tired eyes. I lay down all that I grabbed from the bathroom before taking a deep breath and sitting down behind him. the room is silent for a couple of minutes after that, my heart beating loudly in my ears. I can’t break my anxious stare away from the crack in his beautiful carapace.

“hey…” raph speaks ever so softly to get my attention.

“yeah— sorry. I’m sorry,” I feel tears begin to form in my eyes. I hate seeing him hurt like this. “I’m going to fix you up. I promise I’ll fix this. I’ll touch around your shell, away from the crack, and you tell me how it feels. let me know how much the pain has spread.”

he gestures ‘yes’ to me but with a frowned brow, “don’t cry, love. everything is okay. I’m raphael, remember? this is nothing on me!”

but I can see it - I can see the pain written on his face, the way his eyes look misty. I don’t want to push him to talk nor do I want to directly acknowledge the pain I can see; I don’t want to break his protective wall at a time like this. it wouldn’t be fair to do so. I wipe my tears and get straight to work instead.

my small hand reaches out for him, gently patting around the edges of his shell then smoothing over the surface, “that’s not bad at all. it just feels tingly, like the nice kind of tingly you give me.” I giggle at him. it’s a relief that the shell hasn’t shattered or anything and he can feel my hand like always.

I’ve spent so many nights tracing over the faint patterns of his plastron and committing the texture to memory. it helps calm him after a stressful training day or when he can’t sleep. it secretly calms me too because it’s just us in those moments, the rest of the world fading away and leaving only raph and I. there’s no need to jump away from my hold to save new york when my touch melts away the city completely. nothing can break us out of that warm paradise as long as we are together.

despite the touch test going well, the cleaning of his wounds will definitely be painful since the crack is open and noticeable. I pour some of the solution onto a q-tip and tell raph to start breathing slowly and deeply. I help him set a pace for it before I begin to clean.

he hisses in pain when the piece of cotton comes in contact with the wound and my tears start to flow again, “I know baby, but this part is important,” I sniffle and reach my free hand for his, “use me to balance yourself.”

“I’ll break your little hand,” there is a fracture in his voice as he speaks but he still manages to let out a chuckle with his words.

“breathe and squeeze, raph, don’t worry about me.”

and so he did - each time I dipped the cotton into the crack he inhaled and exhaled quickly whilst grasping my hand in his. I rubbed my thumb over his rough skin in an attempt to ground us both over and over again.

“one last clean and then I’ll patch it up and be done for tonight.” he lets out a loud sigh at that, obviously glad that the stinging will be over soon. I hear him lowly whimper but force a cough after in an attempt to hide the noise. once again I don’t press him on it, I just kiss the back of his hand to let him know it’s alright.

the last step is to cut adhesive patches to fit the crack, making sure to leave small gaps at the ends to allow air to flow through. this process isn’t all that different from putting a bandaid on a human arm, and thank goodness for that. I want to do everything I can to help raph, to ease his pain, so this being a somewhat ‘easy’ task to complete means luck is on my side right now.

with the last piece secure I get up from the bed to face him again, giving him a small smile to let him know it’s done. I slip myself between his legs and reach out to untie his bandana. his eyes close as he presses his head onto my chest to give me access to the tie at the back.

sliding the cloth from his face, I set it on the bed and wipe underneath his eyes; he looks so worn out. my fingers move down to draw along the scars from previous battles and to check over any new cuts, the pad of my thumb eventually landing on the most prominent scar across his upper lip. my raph, my hero, our hero…with the scars to prove it all.

“give it a week and see how the shell starts to heal. if we need to do more then I’m ready for that. I’ve done my research, you’re looking at a certified mutant turtle nurse,” I wink at him as he laughs and nuzzles further into my hold.

he looks up at me with those gorgeous eyes, the light of the moon catching in them. he may be hurt but he’s here with me and healing in my arms, and I’ll hold this man forever to show him how much he means to me. he’s looking at me in the same way - in awe of what’s in front of him - both of us dumbly grinning at each other. although, he does break eye contact when a yawn suddenly comes bursting out.

“do you want to talk about what happened, or do you want to catch some z’s first?”

“hmm…as much as I want to tell you about how much of a badass I am, I really want to crash.”

he moves to lay on his back before I catch his shoulders with high pitched squeak, “shell!” I whisper-yell at him. his lips form an ‘o’ and I shake my head. only raph could forget about his injuries that quickly.

I slip into the bed first and hold out my arms, beckoning him to follow and to lay on his stomach. he does so almost instantly, getting comfy against me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“thank you for everything. I trust you with my life, you know.”

“and I trust you with mine, big red.”

I’m seemingly stuck staring down at him, just in stupid awe once more. watching how his eyes are effortlessly closed, evident that he is exhausted, with a faint smile playing on his lips as he shifts around to find the best snoozing position. his shell is now what catches the attention of the moon and I feel satisfied with my work on the crack. I’m still worried but the patch looks good and secure from afar so I’ll take it for it now.

I’m so happy that this brave and unstoppable mutant turtle trusts me with his open wounds, with his physical and emotional scars, with his love and being. this life of ours is crazy in so many ways but I wouldn’t ask for anything to change. well, less wounds here and there would be nice but that might be asking for too much.

#my first turtles story! I don’t normally write fics I have so many ideas that just play out in my head but I’m glad I wrote this one down #I think I’ve only ever posted one other fic on this account before (a beel one) so hopefully I’ll write some more in the future #well if people like them then I’ll post more hhh I have no idea how to gauge the quality of my own writing at all #oracleact chats #tmnt #bayverse tmnt #bayverse raph #bayverse raphael #bayverse raph x reader #bayverse raph imagine #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt x reader #tmnt imagine #I don’t actually know how to tag this…will this do? :<#blossom 💌 raph

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micahdoesmusic · 8 months

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A little fnc edit,, as a treat….

👁️👁️

[art creds (the best evers): @lanladesu , @saturndigital , @kutakunagasblog , @skywerse , @wasyago]

[song: ‘My Love Mine All Mine’ by Mitski]

#I don’t know if people post edits here but ppssshhh it’s fiiine #gods they are the ever #the different fonts are supposed to be their handwriting or something I dunno #I’ll edit Jay next because she deserves the love too 🫶#this song slaps oh my god #live laugh mitski #+ including my favourite artists ever #SORRY FOR TAGGING YOU ALLL #jrwi #jrwi riptide #fnc #fish and chips #fnc jrwi #mitski #edit #jrwi edit

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bitfruity · 6 months

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS💚🎉

i’m feeling very normal about the end of the onlyfans calendar

#i’ll never get over this #i can’t help but feel so sad that it’s over #i don’t know how to go back to regular life #not waiting every day for the post to drop and screaming about it with everyone #this has made my december so much fun and way hornier than i could have ever imagined #i can’t wait for his new years performance and to see what he does next #i hope he’ll do it again next year🙏💚#käärijä #khäärijä of #khäärijä calendar #day 24

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fagtainsparklez · 1 year

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i want to become a popular streamer but not because i want to build a community or make a name for myself or even for attention. i want to become a popular streamer because i think it’d be fucking hilarious if i was just paid to lie to people. every subgoal unlocks a new piece of my personal history that is wildly inaccurate, impossible, or just straight-up contradictory to past reveals. i hold weekly qnas and absolutely everything out of my mouth is total bullshit. i refuse to ever break character. my streaming career ends with an hour-long reading of an “apology letter” that explains i was nothing but a harvard experiment and to forward any and all complaints towards HR

#icarus speaks #this is consequentially exactly why i should not be allowed to become a popular streamer #either that or my career ends with me doxxing myself #but the doxxed location is actually just a chuck e. cheese or something. maybe a hot topic if i’m feeling festive #this post is brought to you by my recent realization that i’ll very likely never see anyone in my classes again after this quarter #as these are not my major classss but my generals #so i can say Whatever The Fuck I Want and they will never know it’s not true #i don’t know these people. they’re strangers to me. we’re not friends #there is no harm in making them believe the most mundane lies ever

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gojooooo · 4 months

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sukuna in ch248

#sukuita #my post #i don’t think i’ll ever be normal about yuuji’s little ？ and the fact that he knows him so well he quickly noticed he was contemplating life

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wiklm · 8 months

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hi guys today i drew hualian and cried abt it

#they are so first time by hozier #i listened to it the whole time i was drawing and it made me cry #hualian + hozier is a LETHAL combo #i’m SICK IM SICK i hate them (affectionate)#don’t look at hcs face too hard ok i don’t know what i’m doing ever #omg guys i like tgcf too!! maybe one day i’ll post enough on here that ppl will know all my interests #i’m still waiting for book 8 to come out so i can read the last 2!!! i’m so excited #anywayd. i hate them #and they make me miserable #tgcf #hualian #hua cheng #xie lian #wiklm art!!

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larphis · 11 months

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Remembering that Neil Gaiman is actually a part of this hellsite (affectionatly) is like waking up in a parallel universe where everyone shares their porn account with their dad.

It feels highly inappropriate, weird and uncomfortable for everyone involved, but also hilarious in a twisted way.

“Oh god, work was so exhausting today, but I wanted to let you know that I saw the gay video you added to our favorite-list and despite all odds I thought it was quite enjoyable.

…We do have to talk about that furry porn of yours though”

#cursed content #dark humor #neil gaiman #this might be the worst thing I’ve ever said on the internet #but i’m feeling silly today #good omens #the sandman #please don’t unfollow me I swear I’m normal #it’s 2 am and freedom of speech has gone to my head #tumblr meta #just tumblr things #humor #comedy #im in therapy i promise #if Mr. Gaiman sees this post: I’m sorry #you know a post is great when you already apologize for clicking ‘send’ in advance #hellsite (affectionate)#I feel like this plot would make for a great modern Kafka novel btw #okay i’ll stop

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chimerahyperfix · 2 months

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RECIPE OF THE DAY

[OR: This was the most upsetting alternate looper option]

Long post because i have been cooking this in my brain for like, two months, and it's all-consuming. Also I'm not in the Discord yet because Anxiety so my ramblings had to go somewhere, and what better than one big fucking post yknow. I cast spell of fuck you mind blast on the tag/lh /j

TLDR for below: Siffrin words his wish differently, Bonnie gets trapped in a time-loop, and despite saying they're in a timeloop repeatedly nothing works and no one can help them. The normal ISAT absolute horrors ensue.

CONTENT WARNINGS: the normal ISAT tags [death, violence and trauma, suicide, self harm and unreality], Notable Pin on child endangerment and death, poisoning.

most of these get discussed ^ even if shortly

SO. THIS AU.

This is it this is my big one. Ignore me pushing the literal 12 other isat aus I have into a pile pls this is THE big one. I’m looking at the note I’ve stored all this lore in on my notes app,and it’s like. 35 fucking pages?

I've looked at a ton of alternate looper aus [that's part of the hyperfixation babeyyyy I need to consume ALL content forever and ever and ever] and I was like “oohhhh I wanna do that!!” So I literally just listened to music until I caught an idea and yikes. Looking at the AUs playlist now [it’s about 100 songs! Oops!] and I’m like [cartoony image of me laying face first on the floor]

This is a bit scattered because I wrote it over 3 days instead of working on the fic I’m supposed to be writing ooopsieeeee. Ramblings belowvvvvvvvvvv

It begins as simply as the game does. No one knows how to wish properly; so Siffrin wishes, because they know how to. The same folded leaf, repeated three times wish. Close to what is said in canon; different enough for the Universe to read it differently. No longer does Siffrin loop, because the wish isn’t about him, it’s about Bonnie and their sister. Siffrin’s wish is construed as “I wish Bonnie’s wish would come true,” and even if the Universe can’t hold onto Bonnie’s wish as they did it wrong, it CAN hold onto Siffrin’s.

And that’s the base point: EVERY LOOP, Siffrin wishes, because he wishes after he talks to them and that's where they loop back to, and its wish craft goes to Bonnie. A recipe for disaster with how much time they have!

They loop back when Siffrin gets crushed by the rock, because they can’t win while being down a party member. When they touch a tear, or when the sadnesses get the jump on the party and they all go down, or when they use the dagger equivalent [a poisoned snack], or when they get to the King. They Never Beat The King. Think SASASAaP but ISAT.

Bonnie doesn’t fight with craft, but rather craft-infused weapons. The wok and their pan for rock, a pair of kitchen shears for scissors and a cookbook for paper. Snacks for healing and buffs. And they have a cool friend that lives in the favor tree! [they get in fistfights like every five loops. Maybe it would be funny, someone just as willing to spar with them instead of trying to find the right words they can’t find because they’re a kid, if their friend wasn’t ALSO another version of themself, which bonnie clocks pretty late.] They pick up little quirks from their friends, like biting their nails like Belle, and puffing up to look bigger like Isa and stealing Dile's curses and closing an eye to match Frin's in focus. And maybe they start forgetting a little bit, just a little! The same thing over and over will get to you.

So everything essentially boils down to this. Bonnie specifically needs to be strong enough to beat the King, as the rest of the party doesn’t keep experience through loops. For a good chunk of the loops, they take advantage of Siffrin asking them if they need help and drag him into a training lesson that slowly goes from a whole emotional conversation to them quietly listening to Siffrin’s every word. [Siffrin fills this silence with random star facts that pop into their mind. This Is Important It WILL Be On The Test] Eventually the training becomes too tedious, so they start sneaking off to go fight sadnesses— and eventually just punch trees, which busts their knuckles— to get stronger faster! Everything goes downhill from there, with them forgetting to make food to them sneaking out at night to fight more to them getting reckless and uncaring; it snowballs down into “oh this could be considered suicidal confidence”.

Every loop, you say "hey, I'm trapped in a time loop", and EVERY time it is a big emotional thing that exhausts you to the point of going to bed immediately after, and everyone gets antsy and worried, and in the end the anxiety and trouble NEVER ends up mattering because the King still flattens the party every time. [And (shuffling through the sea of my notes for the au), imagine this from their situation for a second; Today, you tell your friends you are trapped in a time loop. They drag you into a long, uncomfortable conversation that makes you cry, and you go to bed with a full stomach and the knowledge they will protect you, and you will protect them. You make sure he doesn't get squashed by a boulder, you make sure they find the key, you make sure they don't die. Tomorrow, you will tell your friends you are trapped in a time loop. They will drag you into a long, uncomfortable conversation that will make you cry, and you will go to bed with a full stomach and the knowledge they've failed to protect you, but they're trying this loop, and you'll still protect them anyway.]

And then the King fight. He grabs them and he kills them and it fucks them up. [it fucks them up, until it too happens again and again, and eventually it simply is just another obstacle you must pass, because the second his stupid hand wraps around you like a ragdoll it’s over, so you just spit in his face to make him press the trigger immediately and not drag it out for forever- imagine the most traumatic event in your entire life, repeated over and over, until it looses all meaning. It’s still traumatic, it’s sewn into your brain forever you will never forget this.]

They tell the party ‘hey, I just got murdered’, and if this au was ISAT, it would go from having a memory that gave everyone a defense buff to a memory that literally stops you from winning, randomly attaching to a party member. You couldn’t get rid of it. They’d take every hit for you, and you’d have to loop back, because you couldn’t win with an unremovable memory like that. and that’s why they stop saying things, because if the people you loved would die to protect you, something you don’t want and have the ability to stop, would you stop them?

And so everything collapses, and from that point [the start of act 4] it collapses fast.

WHICH LEADS US TO ENDLESS MY FAVORITE LITTLE THANG

if this is transparent or not I don’t fucking know and honestly. After 2 hours of fighting ibisPaint X to make it transparent I stopped caring. o7

Slight design notes tangent: the fucking. Wispy things around their limbs just kinda move around them- yknow because black holes pull things in and they are one. Their like,,,, face spike design??? Question mark on what 2 call it? It’s designed to look like their hair lol. The little star-dot things on their knuckles are important smile. Eventually I’ll post a full thing 4 them (I have like 2 pages of random doodles of them it’s craaazy)

Endless (or Ness, later on) is Bonnie’s loop-alike. They’re a little angry hater and I based them on the song Black Hole Sun [therefore they double-dip in the space theming, the little scoundrel! Imagine being both a black hole and a partial eclipse!! Damn why you taking all the space theming for!!] which was the song the whole AU was based on! Woah! Damn you carrying ALL the out of AU lore in you! They’re anger over fear while Bonnie is fear over anger.

They make me SO fucking upset. Like. I’m not being funny anymore. This is THE most upsetting character I’ve ever written. They make me cry. My entire schtik is making horror and this little creature is the most upset I've ever been at a creation of mine.

Endless is a Bonnie who, without exaggerating, literally imploded from having too much wish craft in them— hence the black hole theme. They went through an unreasonable amount of loops [i think I noted down 400??? Probably not that many, but hey, leveling is slow when half the time you rely on a scripted event that has like 3 enemies. Never really pinned anything down, but it’s a CRAZY upsetting amount.] and just couldn’t win,, and they eventually broke, and begged for it to stop— and, well, with so much wish craft in them, even without the proper rituals the Universe just couldn’t ignore ALL this wish craft, overflowing, in one spot. They asked for help and it killed them.

And then they were at the tree! And they’re helping a DIFFERENT Bonnie, who they’re upset at because what. What why is this happening? They asked for it to stop, not for a whole NEW Bonnie to exist and to do it all over again, what is this what, stop stop it. And they have to keep watching Siffrin wish, and doom them to their endless loop, and they have to tell Bonnie no, the party can’t help them like they want the party to do because the party never could help them, and it’s just going to bring them distress and heartache. Bonnie does it anyways, until the very beginning of act 4: it goes downhill from there, until they’re worried This Bonnie will end up like THEM.

They’re not the most self-confident type. They give themself the most un-nicknameable name [Bonnie still finds one that fits— Ness. They reluctantly accept it.] [Endless vc: Ness? Like? From Earthbound???] they can think of because nicknames are a love language and they speak it, and they don't think they deserve it anymore because they've Changed, and trade out the nicknames they have for the party for things they learned from Siffrin in their own many many training loops: The Sun, The Moon, The Star, The Sky, and Bonnie is Supernova, because its cool as hell and Siffrin told them that’s what happens when a star dies, and they died. Open foreshadowing. They take to closing the same eye they made Siffrin the Star loose, because if he doesn’t get to see anymore neither should they— even if that eventually becomes a natural thing, something they do now to focus. They talk about a sister they have— had, because their world is gone and she never got unfrozen, they never learned if she was alive under all that icy craft or not, and they’re not Bonnie anymore. Ness is Bonnie, but Bonnie is not Ness.

And so, when act 5 hits, they’re desperate. They can’t see it happen again, because it erased them as a person and it was terrifying enough why would you want to see it happen again? they prepare to storm the house, bevause theyre strong enough to tear it apart themself, get stopped by the party, and essentially they’ve replaced Bonnie for a loop; which would be okay, if failing didn’t mean there would probably be Two Endlesses and No Bonnie’s. By the end of the au, Bonnie, lvl 99, is like bringing a brick to a stare down. Endless, in comparison, is like bringing a bazooka to a fistfight. They can’t face the King, they can’t, it would probably mess something up [the party has them pinned as being a kid by this point— wether they realise Ness acts a lot like Bonnie or not, who knows] so they panic and wave the party off into the King’s room and fights off the remaining sadnesses to calm down.

And the Party brings Bonnie down, and they fight a fake version of their sister [who they win against, even if barely, because Nille is their sister and damnit, Nille would never hurt them, not after giving up her life for them] and they have a breakdown, and then there's two of them. There's Bonnie and there's Ness. Bonnie confronts them and they get in ANOTHER fistfight, bveause how else would two angry ultra-powerful preteens settle things, and Bonnie convinces them to come along, because their identity has been found out and damnit Nille really won't care, Ness is her sibling too.

[Nille approaches the situation carefully, but Bonnie is right: Nille sees the two of them and immediately decides she has two siblings and she wants to protect them. Both of them went through so, so much, and they saved the country and damnit it would be monstrous to throw Ness out to the wolves because they Changed. Aka I was physically incapable of letting Ness dissapear or have a bad ending they deserve the world too.]

I just I jsutt. Auguhghghghhh. au too big in my brain spill it out on the floor it goes everywhere. When you hyperfix on your own au

#isat #in stars and time #isat au #isat bonnie #<- this is abt them. uh oh.#recipe of the day #anyways the au title is based on a shitty joke I made once #also “”’hey chef what’s for dinner? slop! slime!’#something something the recipe of the day is timeloop soup. yknow. a timeloop au. and soup…….#who let me in the kitchen. someone take me out before I burn the place down #I have. so many thoughts about this au #most of which boil down to me screaming and crying #I know there are multiple other AUs where Bonnie loops but counterpoint #has an alt looper au ever not had the looper wish?#[pushing divine intervention behind me. no that does not exist in this question]#I really like twisting au tropes on their heads :)#‘I don’t want to tread on other ppls ideas’ handshake ‘three month au hyperfix lets fucking go let’s yap’#they can and will coexist heart emoji.#I think about this au a lot. I’m cooking so much art #(yknow. aside from being the worlds slowest artist. oop)#I’ll prob post abt it every now and then (aka when I finish the fucking art)#but for now. laying my au cards down #endless is my favorite little being ever rn they’re such a little hater

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bad-traffic-smp-ideas · 4 months

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imagine the iceberg meme for this blog

Anon, you bring up a very interesting concept here… Honestly, I would LOVE to see the iceberg meme for this blog. Like just imagine it.

#I don’t have the brainpower for this rn hsdjfdsfs- but if someone makes a good iceberg I’ll love you forever /silly #there’s so much there… all watcher lore… watcher marriage… ethogirl watchers…#recently I remembered that oli theorionsound liked one of my posts… and a lot more i'm definitely missing #i don't THINK i've ever had a true cc notice (besides oli) but if i have someone please do let me know #anyways. cheers this is a hilarious idea i never even thought about that #not a bad idea #ask

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kkachi35 · 1 year

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50 kisses (1)

Inspired by this kiss prompt

#dear evan hansen #evan hansen #jared kleinman #connor murphy #kleinsen #kleinphy #treebros #doodle #my art #i wanted to wait until i finished the list so i could post in order #but i gave up #i don’t know when i’ll be able to finish it or if i ever will #so… yeah

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skoulsons · 1 year

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“Ellie?”

She had kept herself closed off most of the day, doing as much as skipping meals, not sketching, and declining their routine movie night.

Joel turned the knob, opening the door only slightly. “Ellie?”

“What?” She bit. She was around the corner, still in bed.

He bit his cheek. “Can I come in?”

She sniffled, a mumbled yeah from around the corner to let him know it was okay. He entered, keeping the door somewhat open behind him. He found her on her back, covers pulled up to her shoulders as she stared at the ceiling, counting imaginary stars.

The look on her face was a sure sign, as any, that things were not good.

He sat by her feet, the corner of the mattress sinking down as he sat, her feet following suit and lightly falling against his lower back.

“Do you need something?”

Joel inhaled and exhaled. He kept his hands awkwardly in his lap. “I wanted to check up on you.”

“Why? I’m fine,” she grumbled, eyes still glued to the ceiling.

“You sure?”

She wasn’t. She knew she wasn’t fine. Every possible thought about Joel, Tommy, Maria, Riley, Sam, or Henry that wasn’t positive made its way to the forefront of her brain, twisting everything she knew about them. Making her believe things that she was sure weren’t true. Convincing her of truths that were hard to shake.

Everything is still so new to them. Young and needing navigation and direction. Their relationship and being together now, no plan in sight of leaving or disregarding the other.

She has someone in her life now who cares about her. Who has cared about her for over a year. Someone who dedicates every single day to being present. Who always makes breakfast for the two of them. Someone who holds her when she cries and who lifts her up even higher when she’s happy. Who carries her to bed when she needs it and finds her new comics when he’s outside the walls. Who protects her at every moment and encourages her to eat and shower when she struggles.

Someone who loves her.

And that revelation is what makes these days even harder.

“Hey…” he nudged, turning his body slightly more towards her. “What’s goin’ on, baby?”

Ellie sighed, closing her eyes tightly, waves of colors forming in the black of her vision the harder she squeezed. She opened them, her eyesight wavering as tears pooled at her eyelids. The imaginary stars on the ceiling kept her gaze, still avoiding Joel’s concern.

“Today just… hasn’t been good.”

And while he knew it, hearing it from her still hurts to know. Whatever happened, it hurts to know she’s struggling.

“I think it’s been little worse than hasn’t been good.” It felt inappropriate to point out her near crying and the tight-lipped expression on her face in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay.

“I’m just… having fucked up thoughts,” she sighed, tracing all the constellations she knew into the white of the ceiling.

Joel didn’t say anything. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to say.

Neither of them were the best at talking. Sharing something that pissed them off, frustrated them, or upset them and navigating that conversation in a healthy manner always felt like forcefully pulling teeth before they ever broke the surface of the gums.

Joel hopes his silence is an invitation for her to continue. He wants to help, to walk through what bothering her with her.

“I…,” she started, choking slightly on the syllable. “I feel like people don’t care. They don’t care, they don’t…love.”

Joel tilted his head to the side, eyeing her avoidant gaze.

Ellie brought her hand up and wiped it across her right temple. Her voice wavered, her lip quivering as she spoke, “me.”

Joel had an inclination, but hearing it still hurt all the same.

“I feel like people…” she paused, sniffled heavily. She lazily raised her arm off the bed in his direction, “you… don’t.”

Frustrated, Ellie sat up, her back making content with the headboard harder than she intended. She locked eyes with him momentarily before avoiding his gaze again, fixing hers around the room. Her dresser, a heap of clothes on the floor, her blinds, and the open door.

She stopped keeping her head upright and let the crown of her head fall back, banging against the headboard. She sighed, a wet, embarrassing laugh escaping her. “I… I know. I know you do. I do. But sometimes, I just… get convinced you don’t.”

She fiddles with her hands in her lap as her tears threaten to spill over, Ellie massaging her fingers and cracking her knuckles, even with nothing left to crack. She picks at her cuticles and nails uncomfortably, clearing her throat to get rid of the tight burning that has coated it.

“What convinces you?” Joel asked, his eyes looking twenty years younger—like he’s talking to someone else entirely. Like he’s held a similar conversation before.

His question stumps her.

And she realizes it’s nothing. Nothing has ever convinced her. Nothing could convince her that Joel doesn’t care about her. Nothing could ever truly convince her that Joel doesn’t love her.

He may get frustrated over something. He may be extra tired some days. He may spend a little more strength some days fighting his own demons that it’s hard to be there 100% for her.

But those things don’t mean he doesn’t love her. They don’t mean he wouldn’t lay down his life for her at any given moment. They don’t mean he doesn’t look at her with anything less than adoration, devotion, and appreciation for who she is. Who she is and what she has come to mean to him.

“Have I ever done anything-“

She cut him off. “No. No, no. Fuck no, never.” She threw the crown of her against the headboard again, a few tears spilling down the side of her face and flowing along her jawline. She hastily wiped them away, clearing her throat.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I… don’t think I deserve it or something. So I look at you or Tommy or I… I remember Riley or Sam or anyone else and I… I think they don’t—didn’t care.”

She knows they do. Riley—she knows. Sam she knows. Henry, too. Tommy and Maria—she knows. Joel—he she knows better than any of the others.

“I remember them or I…” she brought her head down from her gaze on the ceiling and looked at him, clearly, for the first time. “I look at you and I wonder why.”

She cries. Her lips pressed together, not enough breath in her lungs to combat the tears falling down her face and slipping down her neck, soaking the collar of her shirt. She wipes and wipes and wipes until her tear-soaked hands can’t catch anymore and they flow freely. She dries her hands on her sheets and it’s still not enough to catch every single one.

Joel moves quickly, his right hand lightly on her shin as he reaches his left out towards her, keeping it held right above her lap for her to feel.

She can barely see, and yet she reaches out, knowing he’s there. Trusting he’s there.

She grabs his left hand with her right, holding it until her knuckles turn white and it hurts. Until it stings and her fingers go numb. Until her hand shakes and the blood flow is cut off from her fingertips.

He moves his right hand from her shin to press a fist into the mattress on the other side of her, scooting himself closer to her. He settles closer to her, bringing his right hand up her shoulder and eventually finding its home on her cheek. He strokes his thumb across it, more tears falling as she leans into it. She turns her head into it, her lips in his palm as he continues wiping her tears.

He pulls his hand back from her face and brings it to her other cheek, sliding his knuckles across to clear the streaks of tears. He returns his hand back to her other cheek, lightly scratching at the roots of her hair on the back of her neck.

Ellie grabs the collar of her shirt with her left hand, wiping the snot from her nose and using any drier part of her shirt to dry her neck and chin.

Joel lifts his left hand to bring up to her face, but a mumbled, snotty no keeps it in her lap, Ellie still clutching it.

She continues to sniffle, finally opening her eyes to see Joel looking back at her, a streak down the left side of his face, right by his ear.

“I’m sorry,” she says, quickly averting her gaze from his.

He smiles slightly, rubbing those all-comforting circles with his thumb over hand. He brings his hand up from her cheek as she closes her eyes, using two fingers to drag hairs down her forehead and tuck them behind her ear.

They didn’t need to be tucked away—but the affection always comforts her.

She takes his right hand in her left, bringing it down into her lap next to their other hands. She watches their hands intently as she rubs circles on his with her right hand and he rubs circles on hers with his right.

“Hey,” he whispers, trying to get her attention. It does, and she looks up at him. The tug on the corner of his lips reaches his eyes. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“No it’s… it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be crying over something I know isn’t true…”

“You know it’s not true?”

She inhales a shaky breath and exhales one just as heavy. She focuses on it, keeping any other tears down as best she can through controlled breathing.

“Yeah. Yeah I… I know.” She pauses for another breath. “But sometimes it’s… fucking difficult. I don’t…” she hesitates, shaking slightly, “I don’t want to look at you and wonder why.”

She chokes, wiping her cheek on the shoulder of her shirt. She feels her back against the headboard and adjusts slightly, rolling her shoulder blades over it.

She looks up at him. His eyes still hold that twenty-year-old look. They glisten because of the tears gathered in them, and the loving smile that hasn’t quite reached his lips has already hit his eyes.

“I’ll remind you. Every day, if I have to—if you want me to. Even if you don’t, I might jus’ have to-“

She laughs—giggles—at that. He laughs too, the kind of laugh that resides deep in his chest. The one that sounds better through his rare toothy smile. The laugh she only hears so often. The laugh when he thinks he’s done something right. The almost triumphant laugh when he seems to have cheered her up.

Ellie smiles, watching his own unwavering smile. “You can, if you think about it. I mean, I won’t expect it every day. If you forget some days, it’s fine. I’m not-”

“Ellie.”

“Sorry.”

Joel takes note of her. The dried tears along her cheeks. Her red and puffy eyes. The way her nose is red. The soaked collar of her shirt.

He doesn’t want to see her like this again. Not over thoughts like this.

“Will reminding you help? You know… keep thoughts like this away?”

She opens her mouth to speak, but it hits her that she doesn’t know. She’s never been positively reminded, certainly not daily, that someone cares for and loves her. No one’s been constant enough to tell her the truths she missed out on as a child. No one’s stuck around long enough for them to mean anything. No one has ever loved her enough to say them and mean them. Nothing other than doubt, hesitation, or reluctance has followed such reminders.

“I don’t know. I think, I… I hope. I don’t know, I’ve… never had someone who did something like that.”

He doesn’t frown at the thought, but his smile fades. Sadness, disbelief at the thought, the truth that she’d never had this before. “Well… we can try it out. You can tell me if you hate it ‘n we can try something’ else.” He smiled again as he rubbed more circles along her hands. “Sound fair?”

She smiles, tears welling at her eyes again. One spills over, Ellie fervently nodding in response to Joel’s question before too many more tears follow.

He lets go of her left hand and opens his arm up, welcoming her in. She scoots into him, tucking her body against him. She lets her legs freely fall into his as she leans against his body, his right arm coming across her back and holding her shoulder tightly. She keeps her face hidden away as best she can in the crook of his neck and shoulder. Her right hand finds the bottom of his shirt, rubbing the fabric back and forth between her fingers.

Joel kisses her head, leaving his lips pressed into her hair briefly. “I just… I don’t want this to become something you know is true. Cause it ain’t.”

“It won’t. I… I know it’s not true.”

He kisses her head again, a muffled good reverberating through her. He rubs her upper arm a few times.

“Come here,” he says, letting go of her shoulder and standing up.

She smiles shyly, standing up and wasting no time to hold on to him, her arms wrapping around his middle and settling behind his back. She rests her ear right over his heart, the thump-thump drowning the world out. Drowning her thoughts. Her feet stand in between his, Ellie attempting to get as close to him as she can.

Joel, just like every time before and every time to come after, keeps a steady hand across her back and one behind her head, carefully threading his fingers through her hair. He tilts his head down, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

He sways them gently, covering her back in hand-drawn lines, circles, and a myriad of other shapes. “This is your first reminder.”

She giggles at that.

Something bubbles in her chest. A fire. Butterflies—as cheesy as she thinks that is—it fits. It tickles, in a way. It reaches her finger tips and warms her skin. It helps her breathe easier and keeps her heartbeat beat in rhythm with his. It slows her thoughts and relaxes her shoulder. It lets her relax completely against his embrace.

The reminder is there. The reminder of his care and protection, no matter what. The reminder of the steadfast, uncompromising, sacrificial love that he has for her.

#this is uh #incredibly personal #probably the most personal thing I’ve posted #I’ve never personally been comforted like this #but the way Ellie feels is how I do #pretty much every single day #and it’s not like it’s ever been made evident to those in my life #especially my family #so I’ve never been comforted over it and it still haunts me into adulthood #and I’ve had. not the best past few #weeks? just a lot of thinking and dilemmas and a lot of things and it’s been kind of emotionally and mentally draining #and then my period started and #just about every single thing today has gone bad so #I’ve been crying a while. I just don’t feel well currently and more or less projected #this like 2400 words but it probably won’t go on ao3 bc of how personal it can be to me?#I don’t know I’ll have a real fic out in a few days #anyway sorry this is probably heavy #L writes

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amethysttribble · 6 months

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Frieren is good, because I want so much to know more about Himmel, Heiter, and Eisen and I can just /feel/ how there’s more there about them that we haven’t gotten to/may never know.

And it makes me want to shake Frieren to a degree cause I’m like “ten years! Ten years! Sixteen with Heiter! You know more about your friends than you think, tell me! You must and if you don’t- Look harder! Ask more! How did they live and love in those 50, 70 years you were separated??? PLEASE, I want more time with them these small glimpses aren’t enough!”

Which is, of course, the whole point.

#I’m loving this show but it’s making me want to scream #if I don’t learn about all the people Himmel MUST have met and loved in 50 years of life post journey I’ll scream #tell me more about Heiter the archbishop #tell me about the Dwarves and Eisen did he ever connect again with his people #it’s implied he had other students besides Stark?? what happened with them??#PLEASE #where are the people they loved after they went their separate ways?#Fern and Stark are so young there must have been more and if not…#that’s a whole different thing to explore #I want to know the names of everyone in Himmel’s neighborhood they must have ADORED that nice old man #Tribble post #Frieren

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phoenixkaptain · 10 months

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I don’t consider Rey a part of the Disaster Lineage.

(I got a comment that mentioned her on my Chaotic Padawans fic and I just figured I should make it clear why she’s not going to show up)

The whole point of the lineage is that each of the characters who are part of it are disasters, that’s obvious, that’s the name, after all, but furthermore, characters like Yoda’s Master aren’t generally considered part of the Disaster part, so clearly just being one of a Master-Padawan pair isn’t enough to fit the criteria, and honestly, Rey just doesn’t fit in.

Rey doesn’t act like any of the Disaster Lineage. More than that, there’s an element of tragedy to the Lineage. There’s the idea of dying in the light of becoming a Sith, “living long enough to see themself become the bad guy” sort of thing, but not quite.

But all the members are very important for two reasons. They all struggle with the Dark Side. They all change the Jedi Order foundationally.

Yoda is probably the oldest Jedi we meet in the movies. That doesn’t mean he’s the oldest in terms of extra content like books or games, but in the movies, he’s by far older than everyone else. And you may be thinking “Yoda never struggled with the Dark Side!!!1!!” but let’s look at this with a critical eye.

Other Jedi exist in the universe. Other Orders and other Force users who listen and follow the Force. But the Jedi Order on Coruscant is one of the only ones that has a rule against attachment, a rule Yoda specifically was the one to make. A rule he had to have made because of himself. He’s old, but he isn’t old enough to have been around during the time of the Sith. His struggle with attachment, his fear of falling to his attachment, had to have been the basis for why he created the rule.

And anyway, we can see Yoda’s attachment. Just because he isn’t as unhinged as Anakin and Obi-Wan, that doesn’t mean he isn’t attached. He’s attached to his own lineage. He’s biased towards them. He lets Obi-Wan train Anakin because it was what Qui-Gon wanted. And let’s be honest, if he didn’t want Anakin to be trained, there were a thousand things he could have done to prevent it, even just simply telling Obi-Wan that he fears Anakin will meet a similar fate to Qui-Gon. Which would be technically lying, but we know Jedi aren’t actually the most honest people in the galaxy and we know they aren’t above manipulation tactics.

Yoda let’s Anakin be trained because it was what Qui-Gon wanted. That’s attachment, pure and simple.

Dooku is obvious. I don’t need to write a mini essay within this essay. Dooku did turn to the Dark Side. Dooku was attached to Qui-Gon. Dooku only left the Order because he blamed them for Qui-Gon’s death, he blames them for all that happened. Dooku changes the Order foundationally because he’s the one who reveals that there are still Sith. (They suspect Maul was a Sith, even believe he was, but they weren’t aware of what was going on until Dooku basically just told Obi-Wan everything.)

Qui-Gon is a bit of a difficult case, I will give you that. But that’s just because we don’t spend a lot of time with him. Moreover, we don’t spend a lot of time with his motivations. He’s a very mysterious character. Did he struggle with the Dark Side? I don’t know. I’m inclined to believe he must have, because why else would Dooku be so sure that Qui-Gon, were he alive, would be on his side? Dooku trained Qui-Gon, so he would probably know. Especially since Jedi Masters generally try to look calm and collected in front of their Padawans, so yeah, maybe Dooku knows Qui-Gon’s struggle better than Obi-Wan would.

Now, does that mean I think Qui-Gon would have become Sith if he lived? No. I think the opposite, actually. The main drawing point of the Sith is to go against the Jedi specifically. They offer more power and less rules. That’s the key here: less rules. Becoming Sith is attractive to those Jedi who feel overly contained, confined by the rules they have to follow. Qui-Gon isn’t one of those Jedi.

Qui-Gon does not listen to the rules in the first place. Qui-Gon wouldn’t become a Sith because they can’t offer him anything. He wouldn’t join for his Master, their relationship is odd and Obi-Wan is better company (we can assume, since Qui-Gon must have kept the pair from meeting on purpose. Which, there are a million reasons why he would have done that, but the funniest option is that he just didn’t want his time with Obi-Wan to be tainted-) Qui-Gon doesn’t seem to desire more power, because he isn’t renowned for his ability with the Force or a lightsaber, two things he had ample time to train up, he’s renowned for his diplomacy. He focused on his diplomacy over his battle prowess. Yes, that’s canon, just watch the movies, they do not mention his ability with the saber being helpful to Padme, they mention his diplomatic ability, I know, I was shocked too. And they can’t offer him less rules, because Qui-Gon doesn’t give a shit about rules in the first place.

Also, I just think that the Sith ultimately have more rules in place than the Jedi, just unspoken, and I think even if Qui-Gon did become Sith, he wouldn’t make it very far in the industry because I truly believe he would follow even less rules.

Qui-Gon is in an interesting position in the Disaster Lineage because he and Luke are the only mavericks, so he’s the only knowingly maverick in the Lineage. Just wanted to mention that. It’s part of why I don’t think he’d turn, he’s already technically in the grey, he doesn’t need to turn.

Qui-Gon changes the Jedi as a whole by becoming a Force Ghost. Something that seems pretty uncommon, seeing how Obi-Wan is excited at the end of Revenge of the Sith to hear that he can speak to Qui-Gon again (“Qui-Gon???? 🥺🥺🥹” that’s how he says it, I promise, those exact words-) Qui-Gon is such a maverick, he also breaks the laws of life and death itself, he’s doing great.

Obi-Wan technically speaking doesn’t struggle with the Dark Side, per se, but he certainly does struggle with staying in the Jedi Order. His backstory with Satine in one of those times (and while it isn’t in the movies, it is one of the more widely known parts of the Clone Wars, so ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ ). Obi-Wan is willing to bend rules for Anakin (there are scenes of him pretending not to know what Anakin is up to, and he is very unsurprised by the baby being Anakin’s, he was aware, okay, he probably told the Council “Anakin? Sleep with a senator? I raised him better than that thank you very much!”) And Obi-Wan definitely fights the most Dark Side (users) of any other Jedi, all things considered. But yes, he only fits this definition on a technicality.

But Obi-Wan is one of the most influential Jedi in the series. He’s considered a Master of his form and one of the best diplomats. The Council members all trust him. He taught the Chosen One, and he’s the only Jedi the Chosen One ever really actually listened to (he’s definitely the only one who can make the Chosen One guilty enough to tell Obi-Wan that he isn’t the cause of Anakin’s downfall, just because he started crying). Obi-Wan is also the first Force Ghost to actually be fully visible. (That was one thing, since Qui-Gon didn’t train to be a Force Ghost, for the most part, they couldn’t really see him all that clearly, just hear him. Or so I assume, since he only talks to Yoda and the only time we see Force Ghost Qui-Gon is on Tatooine. Is Obi-Wan Kenobi series canon? If it is, this point is moot.)

Obi-Wan is one of the most trusted generals during the Clone Wars, the remnants of the Jedi still follow his advice in the aftermath of Order 66, Obi-Wan is the only one in the series who ever manages to convince Yoda to do something as dumb as train another Skywalker, Obi-Wan is the one who gets Luke off Tatooine, Obi-Wan really gets the most shit done, he’s fantastic, 10/10 Jedi-ing, Obi-Wan, 10/10.

Also, technically speaking, Obi-Wan caused the Clone Wars.

Anakin both struggles with the Dark Side and changes things. But, he changes things in ways you might not expect. Contrary to popular belief, he is not the only Jedi to have a child, however, he is almost certainly the only Jedi who choked out his pregnant wife had children as powerful as his. He is also the only Force Anomaly that we know for sure is canon (I don’t think the others are canon anymore, but I am uncertain) and he is definitely the first Sith Lord who turned back to the Light after Sithing for nearly two and a half decades.

Anakin is a fascinating character, just from a narrative standpoint, and if you think about and want to feel bad for the rest of forever, technically soeaking, he did bring balance to the Force. It isn’t his fault that Luke represents balance in the Force, okay? (The whole “bring balance to the Force” thing was an awful addition because of the implication that the Force’s idea of balance was no Jedi, no Sith, only Luke. It is also the funniest addition the prequels gave us)

Ahsoka as a character doesn’t seem to have a struggle with the Dark Side, and she doesn’t seem to change very much, but she fits in the Lineage because of the sense of tragedy that comes with her character. Which is another thing I forgot to mention: all members of this Lineage are tragic. And Ahsoka really embodies this just by being Anakin’s Padawan and being one of the characters who watches his descent. Ahsoka has to watch her Master kill everyone she knows and loves. And that fucking sucks, therefore, Ahsoka fits very well.

Luke is a bit of a special case. He is part of the Lineage, that much is undeniable, but he isn’t like the others in that he was not raised by the Jedi the majority of his life. He didn’t get three or four years under his Master. He technically had two Masters, Yoda and Obi-Wan. (It would be neat if they had Ahsoka teach him, then he’d have three Masters, which is triple the amount a regular Jedi has. But they should also let Force Ghost Anakin teach him, making it four. And Force Ghost Qui-Gon can’t be left out, bump it up to five. And I just think it would be really funny if he found old Jedi writing or something and learned from Yoda’s Master- okay, Kacie, stop this). Luke, by all means, shouldn’t fit in, but he does. He struggles mightily with the Dark Side. There’s a constant, lingering fear over Return of the Jedi that he will turn, even when we know it won’t happen. The slow pace of the scenes with Luke, Palpatine, and Vader makes the tension build. You can see the uncertainty in Luke. You can see how close he is. You can see the moment when he makes the conscious decision not to be seduced. But up to that point, he’s right on the edge, he’s toeing the line, and it’s legitimately concerning to the audience because there’s a fear that he will fall for Sidious’ trap, just like Anakin did.

There is perhaps no Jedi who changes the Order as much as Luke does. That’s just what happens when one creates an Order by themself.

Now, I explained all of the others because I think they have similar, for lack of a better word, vibes with each other. They are all fundamentally different. They have different wants and different backstories and are all technically different species (except for Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, who are both from Coruscant, unless you believe Obi-Wan being from Stewjon is still canon, which I don’t know, but would make this parentheses point moot). But all of them are also similar. Similar in the tragedy inherent in their characters, similar in their struggles with the Dark Side, similar in their influence on both the series internally and externally.

Rey just doesn’t quite fit. She doesn’t quite mesh. She feels like a puzzle piece that’s the exact right shape, but the picture just doesn’t work.

Rey feels like she was supposed to fit. She has that tragedy inherent in her character, but it’s a different tragedy than the ones we’ve seen. The only two who are concerned about their parents in this lineage are Anakin and Luke, and they aren’t searching for answers about their parents. Anakin’s mom dies and he watches it. His dad is the Force. Luke is told in no uncertain terms that his dad is dead, and he believes that until Vader reveals that it was a lie. Luke has to come to terms with his father, but that happens offscreen, for the most part. Return of the Jedi implies that he has already mostly accepted it. That’s why he’s in black, that’s why he Force chokes a Gamorrean Guard. He came to terms with his parent, and he accepted that Darth Vader was that parent.

(Much like how Anakin never has any questions or concerns about his father, Luke never has any questions or concerns about his mother. The one time he brings it up, he does so to reveal to Leia that they’re siblings. He’s never actually all that concerned about who she is. I like to think it’s because he has an irrational fear that she’ll turn out to be an even worse thing than Vader was. “My dad turned out to be Vader after I asked questions. I don’t want to ask any questions about my mom.” That sort of thing. It’s definitely not canon but by god is it funny to think about.)

Rey doesn’t get to come to terms with her parents. She’s told they left her behind for her own safety, even though they left her on the second worst option (first worst would’ve been Tatooine, obvs) and left her without anyone to watch her and basically made her feel abandoned. She doesn’t get to come to terms with their abandonment because the movie doesn’t want the audience to see it as abandonment. They want us to think it was heroic, tragic, and so Rey doesn’t get to come to terms with that aspect.

And when it comes to Rey being Palpatine’s granddaughter, I have a lot of problems with how it was handled. First of all, she shouldn’t have had to be someone’s daughter/granddaughter to be considered important. There are exactly two characters who are important because of their parentage, Anakin and Luke, and literally every other Jedi in the history of fucking ever has not given a single shit. Obi-Wan didn’t turn out to be Yoda’s secret grandson to explain why he was powerful, because needing to be related to someone is bullshit. Anakin is the exception because he became a Jedi so late, and also his parent was the Force. Luke was an exception because the story is about Darth Vader and so Darth Vader’s son should give a bit of a shot about him, but also everyone constantly tells Luke he’s like his father.

Rey doesn’t fit! She’s never told that she’s like her grandfather, not like Luke is with Anakin. Her grandfather is a fucking fish-faced dumbass old man who managed to lose to a Care Bears Special (the power of love). Palpatine is powerful, sure, but he’s powerful because he trained himself to be powerful. He isn’t inherently powerful. That’s just not how the Force works. Blood relation doesn’t make it easier to use the Force, this is shown time and time again. Anakin still turns to the Dark Side despite being the Force’s child. Luke still manages to have trouble learning to focus despite being the Froce’s grandchild. They both still have to learn to use the Force. And while yes, it does come a bit easier to them, that doesn’t actually mean it should come easier to Rey because Palpatine is not the literal actual Force, therefore his ability to use the Force is not transferable.

Think of it this way. If you are a mermaid, that means that you are half human, half fish, just as Luke and Anakin are part human, part Force. So of course a mermaid could learn to swim easier than a regular person could, they have a tail. They are a fish person. But, if your grandfather was an Olympic swimmer, that doesn’t translate to you being able to be better at swimming. Just because your grandfather was on the same level as the mermaid, that doesn’t mean anything. He was still human. He trained to get that ability, so you would have to do the same if you wanted to be on his level. Get it?

But also, Rey never comes to terms with Palpatine being her grandfather. Also, she kills him, which is what he wanted her to do. Yes, she is empowered by the souls of the Jedi before her, but she still kills him.

There’s a reason Luke doesn’t kill Vader. A few reasons, actually. For one, Vader is helpless in that moment. He had his hand cut off. He’s lying on the ground, overwhelmed. He’s having trouble breathing. To kill him there would be to kill an unarmed opponent, and that goes against the Jedi. Two, killing Vader was what Sidious wanted. And giving Sidious what he wants leaves a nasty taste in my mouth and makes me want to throw things. Luke going against Sidious, literally throwing his lightsaber aside, basically going “fuck off. I’m a Jedi, just like my dad. Yeah, like my dad. You turned him to the Dark Side? Guess what bitch, I’m literally not turning to the Dark Side and invoking his name, which means I am literally to your face mocking you and belittling what you did. Sucker.” From an audience perspective, Luke doing this is super satisfying. We want Sidious to fail, we want to see the smirk wiped off his face, we want his overconfidence to be his downfall, and it ultimately is.

Rey killing Sidious just isn’t as satisfying. Vader is killing the man who turned him against everyone he loved and everyone who loved him. Vader is killing the man who told him his Master didn’t respect him. The man who told him the Jedi would never understand him. The man who groomed him. He’s killing his abuser, the person he’s been enslaved to for twenty plus years. And he does it in a fit of passion. He does it because he realizes that Palpatine never kept any of his promises. Palpatine promised that the Dark Side would save Padme and the baby, and now he is being forced to watch as the Dark Side takes the baby Padme died giving birth to away from him. It’s poignant. It’s meaningful. He’s finally finally free of the man who turned him against the people who loved him.

If Luke had killed Sidious, it might have been satisfying, but it wouldn’t have been as impactful. It wouldn’t have been as meaningful. Palpatine dies because he was overconfident, the same thing that killed his own Master. Palpatine doesn’t believe he can lose, and he’s proven wrong as the last person he expects to turn on him does.

Rey just doesn’t have that connection to Palpatine. She barely knows him. She wasn’t a slave to him for years and years. She wasn’t groomed by him. Her being related to him is ultimately meaningless, because their relation doesn’t cause her to hesitate. And while Sidious dying is satisfying on a lizard brain level, it isn’t impactful or meaningful. It doesn’t mean anything. It just means that he died again. It doesn’t change her in any way.

Killing Sidious changed Vader, freed him from the chains, allowed him to finally remove his mask and see his son with his own eyes. Watching Vader kill Sidious changed Luke. He begged his father to save him and ultimately ended up killing him because his begging worked. He believes that Vader is good, wholeheartedly and completely, because he was there and saw everything that happened. Luke burns Vader on a pyre, respects his identity as a Jedi, mourns for Anakin Skywalker. Rey isn’t changed by killing Sidious. It doesn’t affect her. It’s meaningless, narratively and literally. It doesn’t mean anything to her, to Sidious, or to us.

Rey just doesn’t have that struggle with the Dark Side. There’s no fear that she’s going to turn. There’s no dread. We know she isn’t going to, and the pacing isn’t slow enough to draw out our “but what if…” feeling like it was with Luke. They try to make it a fear, but it has no payoff. Sidious tells Luke to kill him, to kill Vader, and the payoff is that Luke literally throws away his lightsaber. He talks back to the Emperor of the Galaxy, to the man nobody has ever dared to speak back to. He basically says “There’s nothing you can do to make me kill anyone. I’m not going to kill anyone, in rage or otherwise, and so you’ve lost.” Luke refusing to kill out of anger is a loss. That’s the moment Palpatine loses. That’s the first time Palpatine loses. Sidious tells Rey to kill him, and Rey does. And the movie pretends that that’s just fine, nothing bad happens, everything is a-OK. There’s no payoff for his taunting. There’s no fear that Rey will fall.

Rey isn’t a Jedi. Not really. Because she got to kill Sidious out of fear and anger. The rules don’t apply to her. She gets to have psychometry when it’s convenient to the plot, then she gets to turn it off so that touching Darth Vader’s lightsaber doesn’t send her into a coma, like it shOULD- She gets to be trained by Luke and Leia both, just because. She gets to fall in love and the only consequence is that the love interest dies. Which, honestly, barely seems like a consequence since it doesn’t actually seem to change her, not like losing Padme did to Anakin. She gets to have attachments and friends and she isn’t expected to restart the Jedi Order and she just doesn’t become a Jedi. She doesn’t make the sacrifices, she doesn’t go through the pain, she doesn’t have to change herself. She isn’t a Jedi, because she doesn’t really want to be a Jedi.

And that’s why I don’t want to add Rey to my Padawan Chaos. The point of the Padawan Chaos is to give them a break. These characters suffer and suffer and hurt and break apart, and I took them out of the narrative before any of that happens and I let them be happy. Rey just doesn’t need a break as much as the others do. She never struggles as much, her powers are all over the place, her character is inconsistent, she just doesn’t fit.

“But, Kacie, why did you add Leia then?” Easy. Leia is more similar to Anakin, attitude-wise, and she almost certainly struggles with the Dark Side. She’s a politician and a Jedi. She has a character that’s consistent and can play off of not only the other Padawans, but also off of the Jedi Council. She’s allowed to be a badass and feminine at the same time, her femininity is never diminished by how powerful she is, she killed Jabba the Hutt with the chains he put her in, she’s a quick learner and she’s good with a blaster and she’s fucking pissed and she’s so happy to learn that Luke is her brother and she is, as all of the others are, the embodiment of a Jedi, because she puts other people above herself and she’s empathetic and she’s kind without expectation and she deserves to be a Jedi because she and Luke build each other up in a way that’s unique to their relationship and powerful and-

Leia is a better female character than Rey, but she’s more than that. She’s a better Jedi.

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