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janaeekook · 4 years

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Incapable i. || {myg}

“You cant love Min Yoongi, he doesn’t know how to love. Or care for that matter. You’ll just end up getting hurt.”

pairing: assassin!yoongi x reader

word count: 2.3k

warnings: - mafia - death - masterbation -

series masterlist

prologue.

It was your 16th birthday when your father and your older brother Namjoon told you everything — their affiliation and leading of the largest mafia gang in Seoul. You always knew your family was wealthy, that's what you were raised knowing. But you never knew that for your family to obtain it's wealth, the two most important men in your life would go out and risk their lives every night in criminal activities.

You hadn't believed them at first, thinking it was just some prank, a wild joke. The idea of them having a gang made your stomach twist in knots. You had always been your fathers little girl, you saw him as your knight and shinning armor, slaying the dragons of your bad dreams.

Since that day you received vigorous training. Intelligence gathering, undercover and stealth missions, trades; organized crime soon became your life. You were endowed to it, you saw a lot of horrible things, things that never sat right with you, but it all became a twisted new normal to you. The only jobs you refused are to take someone’s life, for you fear your soul may never recover.

When you were eighteen, your father had decided to retire. Leaving the legacy of Bangtan Sonyeondan to your brother. Many of the older members went with your father leaving it fully in the hands of the youth they'd spent years training.

Now you're 21, and head of intelligence. After your father left, you and your brother purchased a new estate in the countryside which served as base camp. The extravagant building was large enough to be considered a castle with its different wings. The west wing was for the higher ups, there was 8 of you in total and you all kept business booming with your varying talents.

Namjoon was very clearly the leader, the true business man, he handled transactions and bigger things along with interigation.

Kim Seokjin, or Jin— was your brothers right hand and the more ruthless of the two, he hated conflict between members and he also specialized in interigation.

Min Yoongi; a cold assassin who never really said much just got the job done without fail, it's quick and painless, he said the screams annoy him.

Jung Hoseok, he deals mainly with illegal substance transactions. He's a sadist in his work, something you'd never guess.

Kim Taehyung, the brains; he is the eyes and ears of every operation and he's just a plain genius when it comes to the plans. He's usually the one to stay at the base camp watching monitors that display cameras he's hacked.

Jimin works along side you in intelligence. He's a complete flirt. He specializes is hand to hand, He may look small but he could take you down in a second.

Jungkook is your arms man, he handles all the weapons, he loves his guns and he's an incredible shot, he never misses a target.

Lastly there's you, head of intelligence, gathering information on enemies, often working close with Jimin. You're also an amazing shot and can be found sniping with Jungkook and Yoongi.

The east wing, on the other hand, housed many of your henchmen; the army. They were not to be trifled with, They were trained to kill. They are the most loyal followers, that's why Bangtan is on top, some even said if they died protecting the 8 they would have fulfilled their duties. They were willing to die for you and the others.

Loyalty is very important, it's drilled into their heads from the first day of training to their last breath. They all take an oath of trust and they devote their lives to Bangtan. Once an army, always an army.

•

"Y/n, can you hear me?" Taehyungs voice came through your earpiece.

"Ya." You spoke quietly as you sat at a booth in a stuffy little downtown bar.

"Ok, he's the one at the bar wearing the red suit, you should make your move now." You nodded and stood from the booth, making your way to the bar and next to the crimson clothed man.

"One Jack Daniels please." The bar tender nodded, you sat on the stool next to the man. You could feel his eyes raking your body.

"What's a pretty young thing like you doing here all alone?" His voice was thick with a Russian accent.

"My boyfriend dumped me." The bar tender slid you the drink and you took a large sip. The man continued to ogle you in wonder. He was not an attractive man, he resembled a drowned rat with his hair all greased back.

"He's quite unwise to leave such a beautiful woman." You looked to his face, scanning it before bringing a fake smile to your lips.

"You think I'm beautiful?" You asked feigning shock.

"Incredibly." His hand moved to your knee, his rat-like face forming the most unpleasant smirk. You took another sip of the strong whiskey before looking back into his beady eyes.

"Hmm." You bit you lip, which came off sexual but you were really trying not to gag, "What do you say we get out of here?" You stood from the stool, grabbing his hand. He pulled money from his pocket and placed it on the counter before standing.

You led him through the chorus of drunk people dancing, weaving your way to the door where Jin waited on the other side. They were hidden from view as you stepped into the cold night air with the rat man following close behind you. The way his eyes wandered your body, mentally undressing you, made you feel uncomfortable.

"I can't wait to see this body." He spoke lowly, placing a calloused hand on your hip. You grabbed the hand before twisting it behind his back and pushing him to the ground, you held one hand behind his back and the other you held to the concrete with your knee.

"What the fuck!?" He groaned, struggling in your grasp.

Hallow footsteps clicked along the pavement as Jin walked up, a cigarette between his the nimble fingers of his right hand, his other hand grasped a black cane that had a gold skull on top. He had injured his leg on a mission a few years ago and it never healed the same, but the cane made him all the more intimidating.

"W-what do you want?" The Russian man inquired from his position on the ground as he looked up to Jin who had placed the end of his cane to his throat.

"I want you to tell me what your boss is planning, and why you're in Seoul." Jin spoke calmly but the intensity and seriousness of his voice would make anyone cower in fear.

"I-I" He stuttered then Jin pushed his cane harder onto the mans throat and You tightened your hold, "Ok! Ok— we're working with another gang." Jins eyes narrowed.

"Who?"

"I-I don't know h-he wouldn't tell us! I'll do anything to prove it to you, I'll work as a spy!" The man crumbled after only seconds of Jins cold stare, the chuckle that bubbled from his throat was just as cold.

"You see, trust and loyalty is very important to me, and you crumbled under the slightest pressure. I hate men like you, cowardly, weak, you could never be one of us." Jin then walked away, you quickly stood and followed after Jin, the rat man scrambled to his feet.

"You whore! You played me! You're already someone's dirty bitch!" The man spoke to you and you just smiled viciously at him.

"It's just part of the game sweetheart." You turned walking away to the car with Jin.

"You're not even worth my time you tramp!" He called out, and I rolled my eyes.

"Yoongi." you heard him hum through your earpiece and a deafening shot rang out, the cold lifeless sound of body meeting pavement, and then silence.

•

The car pulled up in-front of the mansion. You exited the car followed by Jin and ascended the steps to the front doors, the guards on either side bowed to us.

Pushing the door open, you went inside, kicking off your heels instantly. The 4 others sat in the foyer to your left, discussing plans.

"I'm gonna change." You told Jin quickly heading up the left staircase and to your bedroom. You pealed the dress from your body, before tugging your sweatpants on and a long sleeve shirt. Hair tied back in a bun, you headed back out and down to the others.

You plopped down next to Jungkook, he looked to you and smiled, that smile of his never seemed to match his aura, or the array of tattoo's that covered his golden skin. Everyone began talking about random stuff and the mission. The muffled sound of a motorcycle outside told you all that Yoongi had arrived.

When the door opened and he appeared in everyone's view his face visually upset, but You could never really tell. He wore all black and held a full face helmet in his hand, a scar ran over his right brow and extended to his cheek. Your stomach fluttered when his tongue poked at the inside of his cheek. Your relationship toward Yoongi had always been strictly business, though your attraction to him grew, he was painfully attractive.

"Thanks for leaving the body to me." He spoke sourly his gaze directed towards Jin. He sat on the couch, one leg crossed over the other, his cane leaned on the couch next to him. Jin only chuckled at the younger man.

"It's your job." Jin held a fake smile upon his face, he stood using his good leg before grabbing his cane.

"Sure pin it on me." Yoongi spoke, Jins intimidating smile stayed on his face as he stepped closer to the other boy.

"I know you're not trying to start anything right Yoongi? You know how much I hate it."

He scoffed, "Whatever." He turned and headed up the stairs. Jin just sighed and went back to his original seat. Your eyes followed Yoongi as he disappeared up the stairs, You wanted to follow him but you knew he'd just shut you out.

You laid in bed that night, unable to dodge the thoughts of him. You groaned rolling onto your side and tried to lull yourself to sleep, it was no use your body longed for his hands all over you -- but your mind told you it wouldn't be wise to try to love someone who was so emotionally absent. But was he really?

Your mind and body were deeply contrasting one another, the allure he had; both nothing and something. It called you forth to let him break you, but your morals pulled you back as the dark aura also pushed you away. You chewed at your cheek as your mind was running rampant. Your imagination beginning to take hold the scenarios swirling through your headspace, bringing you into a daydream like state as your mind played out what your mind had thought of sending your cheeks ablaze.

"What do you want me to do princess?" It was Yoongi, he had your daydream self pinned between himself and a wall.

"Touch me." Your voice a pitiful whine as you begged for his hands, he smirked sensing how needy you were, and it was all his doing. Well dream Yoongi of course.

"Where?" He asked, your words failed to exist in your mouth so you grabbed his veiny hand, guiding the strong appendage between your legs. You hadn't realized you were fully naked in this scenario, but you didn't care as his hand began to explore you, treating you like some toy.

Your eyes shot open, not being able to face the crude scene any longer, Your room felt as if it were on fire, your clothes becoming unbearable as they stuck to your skin. Your mind had somehow found its way to the side of your body, running a mile-a-minute with thoughts of Yoongi and different ways his hands could pleasure you. Your face was bright red, You were thinking of extremely sexual situations about someone who probably saw your relationship as otherwise platonic. You groaned, feeling your core throb as more thoughts invaded your mind. You had grown incredibly hot and bothered you couldn't take it, you went to the bathroom starting a shower in hopes to cool down your bodies rising temperature.

The water ran down your body, as you stood under the steady streams unmoving. You shook your head, rubbing your hands over your face, as your mind wandered to the idea of him fucking you against the shower wall. You felt dizzy as you grew more aroused as you thought of the man only doors down from you. You groaned before taking in a shaky breath, you brought your hand to yourself, eyes fluttering shut as you finally did what your body begged for.

It was slow at first as you rubbed small circles over that familiar bundle of nerves, your mind wandering back to the idea of him fucking you senseless in the shower. You bit your lip before pressing your back against the cool tile, lifting your leg to rest it on the shower bench next to you, allowing your hands perfect access to every sensitive part of you. You pushed a finger past your entrance, quickly accompanying it with another. You imagined it was him, his experienced hands touching you, getting you off.

Your small noises concealed by the water hitting the shower floor, you quietly moaned his name as you silently wished it was his cock inside you. Your legs began shaking as you drew closer to your orgasm, you threw your head back in pure bliss the tension finally unraveling in your stomach-- and it was Yoongi's name on your lips, the last word you spoke as you rode out your high.

You quickly cleaned your now relieved body and your sweat ridden hair, before finally exiting the shower. You collapsed on your bed, drifting off into a dreamless sleep, relief and satisfaction running through your veins.

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!!

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back???

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this.

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

#tw eating disorder ment// /#long post// /#tldr;;; hey guess what guys. you know what you should do if you think you see a body check??#compliment em. just avoid the topic of their weight/size/etc or their disorder (even to encourage them to recover. dont start there)#literally pm them and tell them you like their hair. their clothes. their voice. their personality. their art. their username. ANYTHING #that HUMANIZES THEM AS A PERSON OUTSIDE THEIR DISORDER #and BUILDS FOUNDATIONS FOR SELF LOVE!!!!!#/UNCONDITIONAL/ SELF LOVE that reminds them their value lies in MORE THAN THEIR BODY TYPE #that is so unfathomably fuckign IMPORTANTTTTT YOU GUYYYYS DONT UNDERSTAND I #literally please at the very least if u arent comfy with that just stop . Insulting. underweight bodies. that is literally.#'''enabling''' their habits. u have to be literally impossibly ignorant to think that wont make them worse. so. fuck you #if you actually 'care' abt these suffering ppl the way you claim uhhh improve your behavior after hearing all the flaws with it pointed out #puhlease #?#instead of just. sticking the r3xies in the corner and saying 'it makes me uncomfy so if i cant see it it doesnt matter'#like why tf do ppl assume so much of this is about 'attention' or rather positive attention for self destruction #and therefor ANY ATTENTION AT ALL must be bad and shunning is the right answer. like????#bro just. put in literally an ounce of effort here and give them the right KIND of attention which is easy to figure out if ur educated.#godddddddduhh #yes im sorry but the mentally ill slowly dying ppl DO require your attention actually. if ppl are in danger 'for attention' its uh.#more important that you just. dont ignore that and figure out the most nuanced responses Later actually #yall just dont want the responsibility on you if you say the wrong thing and im sorry but to an extent thats just... kinda... selfish #they need ya buddy you dont have to be bffs with every single one of em but you could just like. treat em like a person at least shruugg #all im asking is that yall educate yourselves a little better and stop this horrible shit

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wanderingcas · 3 years

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this is long, but LORD did i need to get all this off my chest to people who actually watch the show.

i cried my way through that finale, like ugly sobbed starting with dean's speech. at first it was because i was like this scene is emotional (and very pointedly sounded not only like dean's goodbye to sam, but the show's goodbye to us) but then it very quickly turned into "how dare they end it this way, how DARE they do this to us." every single thing from that point forward made me just sob, and honestly i've never cried like that watching supernatural before. i watched it and was so exhausted by the end, i scrolled through my dash for like five minutes before i was like...i cant do this right now. i just went to sleep.

it was ridiculous that they thought anyone could be satisfied after using even one brain cell to think about the plot. that they could just mention cas as a throwaway but not have him on screen at all when he's literally a main character and has been for over a decade. they used heaven as an excuse to do whatever they want and sent a horrible message. we know heaven is canon and they would obviously go there when they died. fucking duh!!! but i wanted a real life ending to say "yes even after all the shit you go through, you can still live out your days happily. you can grow. you can heal. you are allowed to finally be safe with your found family. don't give up hope, because after all the terrible things are done, this happy ending is what's waiting for you." but no. they said fuck you and everything this show it built on.

on the bright side, im BEYOND READY for the fix it fics coming, especially yours!! i know all of our wonderful fic writers will give us the ending we want and deserve. we are claiming these characters for ourselves and no one can stop us. we can all recover from this together.

love to you and to everyone else mourning the show right now, we have our found family right here and they damn well cant write that out of our lives.

anon, just... big hugs to you. you’re saying what a lot of people are feeling, and there’s so much hurt going around. i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way too.

the one comforting thing i can say (and that’s pasted all over my blog at this point) is that even though it’s the “end”, WE can write our own ending. that’s just the beauty of fiction. doesn’t spark joy? write the ending you imagined for those characters. hell, it’s why fanfic exists and endures to this day!

anyway. i hope you can feel better. huge group hug in this ask. <3

#<33 #ily anon #Anonymous #answered ask

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jupiteronic · 4 years

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hi, i have pisces mars, how can i develop it? i suck

don’t do the whole “i suck” thing for starters. It’s hard ik especially for those of us who are mentally ill and/or went through trauma and have conditioned thoughts like these, but also it can be helpful to remind yourself that your thoughts do not define you and to redirect your thoughts rather than bully them away or blame yourself for them (let me know if you want resources on this!) so as to diminish later blowups/ guilt-tripping behaviours. a lot of Pisces mars people very much are willing to change their ways/ listen to other perspectives like you! telling people you suck doesn’t really come across as taking responsibility though, a lot of people will take offense to that - rightfully so - and think you’re being manipulative or simply looking for validation, acceptance or forgiveness. probably wasn’t your intention, it’s just important to think about how others would interpret our behavior.

accept that feeling bad isn’t an excuse to avoid preemptively thinking about how your actions impact others, it takes practice but make a conscious effort and you’ll be surprised how much good you can do despite overwhelming emotions! in a similar vein though, do NOT ignore or repress or minimize your emotions for the sake of others. if anything that will lead to more uncontrolled anger, manipulative behavior, and self-pitying feelings/thoughts which further reinforce the unhealthy behaviours you’re trying to rid yourself of

BEWARE OF WHO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH

if you can, avoid fixating on what you did wrong and feeling shame + guilt for it. focus on how you can improve or eliminate the behaviours you don’t like & more importantly how you can make it up to anyone you hurt - especially if that person is yourself. easier said than done, especially for the obsessive types, but again i find that redirecting thoughts makes this easier than blaming yourself for fixating on your guilt. it can be an endless cycle really. how do you apologise to others + how do you apologise to yourself? if you don’t do either of those much, start working from there

get feedback from others where appropriate but take the feedback with a grain of salt until you have multiple perspectives

watch self regulation skills vids or read about it or... cant believe i’m saying this.. listen to a p*dcast. whatever helps you absorb information the fastest. ideally you would learn about this through written/ spoken word of both your own and others, through audio, visually, artistically etc to master self-regulation but that’s obviously not realistic or convenient for everyone so start small with what seems most realistic to you!!! I know especially Pisces mars can get quickly lose interest or motivation when it comes to things involving thorough detail lol. the next point expands on this but what works for me is pretending I’m my own parent. in a way we all are our own parents, but emotionally investing myself in that fantasy helped me apply my energy to things I’d rather not do (like doing assignments is still very hard for me, and to avoid discouraging myself from doing them, i kind of have a conversation with myself about it and kind of take on the role of child + parent. this is just an example - sometimes it just helps to use your traits to your own advantage, like Pisces mars being more interested in fantasies/emotionally engaging things than boring menial tasks; i used an emotionally engaging fantasy to motivate myself to do work, be creative <3). avoid relying on others for regulation & discipline. this can be very difficult for some of us + i understand and empathize with this. the point here is to be as independent as you can be. also something going wrong does not necessarily mean it’s a sign from the universe to stop trying i promise

on the note of independence, take steps to becoming your own cheerleader. motivate & encourage yourself through positive self talk. in times where you feel demotivated, helpless or worthless, and say encouraging things to yourself. be aware that this will often seem silly and a waste of energy and u know how much Pisces mars like to save their energy at all costs lmao so this is definitely a common, normal reaction but every time this discourages you, remind yourself that IT IS worth trying and YOU are worth trying for yourself. sometimes I literally have to say cheesy shit like “you can do this” out loud repeatedly until I convince myself. it’s tiring & maybe embarrassing but recovering from chronic self-pity is even more tiring and embarrassing. avoid relying on others to uplift you & make you feel better. not to say that people shouldn’t help people, but just so you’re able to have your own back as much as possible

be more intellectually present oh my god 🤡 I beg of you. this can be very difficult especially for people who deal with adhd/mental illness(es)/trauma/learning disorders/developmental disorders etc. I don’t have all the answers for that but one thing most of us can do is engage in activities that nurture our intellectual health more frequently ; whether that’s reading (nonfiction preferrably), doing newspaper puzzles, crosswords/sudoku apps, problem-solving activities that don’t involve emotional appeal, etc just do it often. we all know how emotionally attentive Pisces mars can be but engage your intellectual side gamers (i.e. don’t game). I say this as a Pisces mars myself lolz please this is literally self-care

ik this is a snooze point but physical stimulation especially exercise can be really good for emotional wellbeing/ release. otherwise find literally any form of release - healthy forms I cannot stress this enough

wrt anger, bitterness, feelings of defeat: Pisces placements often have an external locus of control and thrive when they consider/have faith in something bigger than them. could be astrology, spirituality, religion, art, community, culture, all of the above, whatever makes u feel connected.

question your own intentions (but don’t overdo this); why am i acting this way or feeling this way? am I fishing for attention? if so, is there anything I can do to give myself the same warm feeling attention/validation from others would give me? am I acting like this because I feel hurt or taken advantage of? if so, is it possible for me to have a safe, healthy conversation about this with the source of the problem? WHAT is the source of the problem? what can i do about it? write this down if you can somewhere private and read it back to yourself later, notice any cognitive distortions in your thinking and make adjustments. this will help you practice using your intellectual side in distressing moments but there’s less point in using your thinking if it’s warped if you feel that’s the case for you. so google cognitive distortions & how to deal with them to get examples! try to make the adjustments next time you feel overwhelmed or have heightened emotions/senses

be firmer with your boundaries. with others AND yourself. the less you resist against boundaries the more your life will know peace because you are more careful with the people and/or behaviours you allow into YOUR life. do *not* ease up on your boundaries for the sake of other people. betraying yourself for others or immediate gratification is rarely a good idea in the long run. I’ve done the mistake of betraying my values for others many times and it’s caused unnecessary conflict which we are notorious for avoiding. that is until the evil puppeteer living in our brains snaps their fingers and commands us to go ham

#but thats just my 🧅#/sarcasm in that last line in case its not obvious #sorry if this doesnt help u in the slightest #pisces mars #long post #mars

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urmomification · 3 years

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SWAG ANOTHER DREAM SMP AU FIC IDEA THAT ILL NEVER WRITE POG

this is a very long post please im so sorry my brain it just

(tw for like slight possession n shit)

(sorry its all jumbled i write all of these in discord to my friend and copy paste them here please if u have questions ask me im always willing to talk abt this shit please it haunts me)

(context: i saw a tiktok abt the hc that both dream and techno are gods of some sort bc theyre mentioned in the tales of the smp by karl a time traveller and my brain just ran w it)

going back to the techno and dream are gods thing right so dream is a vessel for the god dream xd (??? work in progress youll know what im talking about at some point its really funny tho uve def seen clips of it) and he was possessed?? by the god after the server started (when he started going from super friendly with everyone to control/power hungry) when he started sacrificing everything for power so no one could have power over him? that was the god making him do it bc the god was terrified of not being in control since theyd lost it all to techno in their past. thats why we never see dream and techno fight and why we see dream extend help and support to him at times as well as respecting his boundaries and such bc theyre scared of techno (again w the best of 10 duel reference, techno killed the god in a past life which is why the god has been forced to use a human vessel to get anything done on the mortal plane) but when something that powerful spends pretty much any amount of time in something mortal and mundane like a person, the host body starts to change (hence the mask) i like to think that the god would be akin to that of a biblically correct angel?? like the ones w multiple eyes n shit yk so after time things start to happen to normal dreams body he gets extra sets of eyes and he gets taller and overall his body seems just Too Small for whatevers inside of him and thats why he (hc) started wearing the mask in the first place he knew something was wrong w him but he didnt want anyone to know even tho they would most likely help him he was ashamed that he was different in the first place so he started wearing the mask once the other eyes showed up. and i think that the god would talk to dream similarly to how technos voices work yk? except its just the one voice instead of many many small ones. and again with the mask thing when he lost to tommy and they took him in, part of his mask broke to the point where u could see just a bit of the right side of his face but enough to see that it Wasnt Right there were two eyes where there shouldve been one and spots on his cheeks bright enough to resemble stars and where the color of his pupil should have been is just a sickeningly neon green with nothing else behind it. so they let him keep the mask even tho they already know something is wrong but it clearly makes him Very Distressed when asked to remove the mask or told to give it up. blah blah blah god harassing its host bc it got them caught and thrown in a prison and dream goes ever so slightly insane having to share a mind and body with a literal ancient god w a vendetta against everything hes built whos forced him to sacrifice everything he loved and cared for out of fear yk the usual prison shit and then techno comes a long and breaks him out or whatever but on their way back to his house he drops a really cryptic line abt how 'its nice to see an old friend again' and 'i thought i got rid of u for good last time' and dream is just ???? what are u talking about?? weve never been friends and youve never gotten rid of me? what. until techno spins around and just 'im not talking to you im talking to the thing inside u' or whatever and dreams eyes flash some brilliant gold or sumn and boom this is ur fellow god speaking how may i help you and dream xd (that feels so wrong to say but) and techno bond or well ig just talk abt how the past centuries have gone and ig while xd is fronting (??? i think itd kinda be like DID in a sense w multiple people being able to front yk?) dream is in a sort of semi conscious state but still hears everything going on around his own body until hes thrown back into the drivers seat (i think that xd would only be able to front for short periods of time due to the vessel n shit that makes sense right) and hes so confused someone please help him hes just a dude who happened to get possessed by a god someone help him so when they finally get back to technos house he sits dream down and explains the best he can without literally melting dreams brain. which would also play into the 'technoblade never dies' bc hes. literally a god. mortals cant kill him unless they have idk some sort of super weapon idk and blah blah blah xd gets what they want and finally has the ability to leave finally leaving dream literally the shell of a man with no home friends materials or anything with techno to basically take care of him until he reaches some semblance of stability again (which would take ages, realistically (wdym realistically) going from normal, to a god sharing a body with you and speaking in you brain living as a single being together and hearing their thoughts, to back to normal but with all the memories of what you did and what they made you do and also no more god speaking in ur head it would take a hot sec to recover from) so he lives with techno (whos, not to mention, another god) for a while until he can fend for himself again and after a good year or so passes and no one hears from dream they start to look for him and see what happened bc he went from the biggest threat on the server to just. gone. no one knows where he went after whatever he did and they want closure. is he dead?? who knows. so george and sap set out looking for him and decide to ask techno for help since hes good w directions n shit also he was the last person to see dream alive so he might have an idea of where he is and they walk up to his house and knock on his door and techno opens it and just stares at them he knows who they are, dreams talked about them before but hes never met them really so he talks to them, getting through the polite hellos how are yous before sap finally asks 'do you know what happened to dream? no one knows where he went and we just want closure' techno huffs and tells them to wait there he (this is the basement door im using his arctic tundra house in my head) goes down the ladder to the second basement, they can hear him talking to multiple people (ranboo phil dream) but cant tell who everyone is before coming back up the ladder, back to the door. he tells them to wait outside he needs to get something first (its dream hes getting dream) theyre standing out by carls stable when the door creaks open and dream steps out looking around for who the fuck could possibly be looking for them he betrayed everyone and most people thought he was dead who could possibly be here asking for himself and not ranboo or philza and when he steps out, his green hoodie (memento made by ranboo to help him cope w the loss of the voice in his head) catching the morning light off the snow and he was happy and then he saw them standing by the house hed grown to call home at least for now he breaks. he missed them so so much it hurt. he never expected to see them ever again much less them come looking to see him but hes scared he realizes he doesnt know what to say there is nothing to say he fucked them all over he ruined everything and then hes being hugged. they missed him too. they dont forgive him jsut yet but they missed him and thats enough for him right now. the three of them stand there just being in each others presences and techno creaks the door open to make sure they arent trying to kill each other and sighs and leans against the frame smiling. hes happy again and thats the best he can do for him. he invites them all in and offers to explain everything to them to try and ease the blame off of dream bc in all honesty it was his fault but xd made it far far worse that it should have been (a bit late but foot note abt xd i think that they would be an idle god until someone w intense feelings of powerlessness and insecurity like awoke them from their techno induced slumber and inhabited dream to help him fulfill his desires for power and control) and by the time he and dream are finished its late at night and sap and george are ??? so u were possessed by a god who techno killed centuries ago in a duel and it amplified ur feelings of insecurity and ur thirst for control to the point of isolating urself from us and destroying everything everyone cared abt?? also technos an ancient god who lusts for bloodshed but also makes turtle farms in his free time?? are we getting this right????? and techno and dream are just yea thats abt it glad this all made sense then they all go to bed (its a small house dream has a lil shack like ranboos and sap and george somehow slept over there for the night) and in the morning sap and george leave again but promise to come back, they still arent ready to forgive and forget bc even tho it wasnt all his fault his emotions getting away from him is what caused this all in the first place so they do need time to process now that they know he isnt dead and dream continues to live near techno in almost full independence and eventually moves back with his friends even tho many still hate him. hes happy and for now thats enough. another foot note; even after xd leaves his being, he still has the extra eyes, glowy freckles n is xtra tall n shit that cant just be reversed but now that hes himself again these things take their tolls on human bodies so i think hed have something at least similar to arthritis bc of how his bones were literally manipulated bc of how strong ethereal magic or whatever is. so he would still wear the broken mask but he takes it off now and is ok with it being off hes working on getting better now that hes himself again and everyone living w/by techno is helping him with that. also i think that he would get blinks of xd's memories like from when techno was killing them and have sumn like ptsd panic attacks from it and techno feels super guilty abt it but theres literally nothing he can do except apologize and after the first few times dream stopped him from apologizing bc it is his fault but he didnt do it to him so it doesnt matter to dream at least and they live in pretty much harmony until dream finally moves back in w george and sap the end. he also started wearing the mask in the first place bc of the extra eyes but he played it off as being uncomfortable around new people and not wanting them to know what he looked like until he trusted them (bc that literally makes sense irl how funky is that) so sap and george never pushed him and when they caught him without it on on the rare occasion they wouldnt pressure him to leave it off or anything even tho they already knew what he looked like (when they respect ur boundaries </3) they just assumed that it was insecurity (it was but also mans had like 3 eyes so) and just left him alone

#dream smp #long post under cut #dream mcyt #technoblade #dream xd #i love dream xd their concept is literally so fucking funny to me #this idea hit me like a train at 11pm and i wrote from 12:04am to 1:02am scribbling this down in dms on discord to my friend whos asleep #fic au idea #i should start a whole tag of that wanna bet how many posts would be there #edit: there are #2064 words and #10582 characters under the cut #what the fuck #is we fuckin doin

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inknose · 4 years

Text

mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

#mdzs readthru #this obviously has many spoilers

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iwritesickfic · 4 years

Note

1/2 Aaaaah I’ve fallen quickly in love with your writing, I love your style. A couple of prompts, since you asked for them: Peter thinks he’s recovering from a bad illness- genuinely so fed up of being ill that at this point he’s willing to pretend to himself and everyone else he’s feeling better. Meanwhile he’s still staying up late working, and one day he gets stuck in the rain on the way from class and needs some help... and Ashlyn is closest...

First, thank you!!!!!! Second, this is long as hell and I also got sucked into the DRAMA of it all so I hope you still enjoy it :) might write a second part if we’re feeling it? anyway, enjoy and thanks for the kind words and prompts :)

It seems like it’s been forever since Peter hasn’t felt like shit. It’s like his body is trying to make up for all the years he spent avoiding every cold and flu that went around. He has to admit though, the main reason he’s still ill is because he won’t really give himself the time to fully recover. As soon as he’s feeling halfway decent, he dives back into life as normal - which for him, is 6 hours sleep and living on coffee - and within a week he’s back to being practically bedridden.

Leo is fed up with it. Big time. At least that’s what Peter’s gathered. Leo’s never said as much, but Peter figures he must be getting tired of it by now. So much that Peter’s stopped telling him how he’s feeling. At first it was just lying by omission. Now it’s lying-lying.

Today, everything’s concentrated in his head. His sinuses are throbbing, and his eyes hurt to move. He’s been swapping between chills and feeling too hot all day, and he’s pretty sure everyone in his lecture class hates his guts for his constant sniffling. He ran out of tissues about an hour into the six hour course, so he’s stuck wiping his nose with the crumpled leftovers and the few napkins he finds in a pocket of his bag.

By the time there’s only an hour left in class, he’s lost all ability to absorb anything the professor is saying. He’s shaking so badly he can’t take notes even if he wanted to. He’s considered leaving early, but to be honest, he’d rather put off his walk to the train as long as possible. He decides when he gets home, he’s chugging some nyquil, taking a cold shower, and going the fuck to sleep. He’s got a date with Leo tonight but he’ll need to make some excuse.

When the professor finally ends the class, he gets a rush of dopamine at the thought he’s only a 15 minute walk and a 30 minute train ride from some relief.

He stares at his phone, trying to think of something to tell Leo.

something came up, can i see you thursday?

Leo texts back almost immediately.

we already rescheduled twice are you sure you cant make it?

Peter bites his lip.

it’s a thesis thing. im sorry i promise thursday night.

He starts to pack his bag, and his phone buzzes.

ok, good luck love x

He pushes down the wave of guilt he feels and slings his bag over his shoulder. His heart drops into his stomach when he gets to the building’s lobby. It’s raining. Really raining, not just drizzling, but pouring. He swears, and sits down on one of the benches. He can wait.

Ten minutes later, the rain still hasn’t let up, and he knows if he doesn’t get up now he’s going to end up asleep on this bench whether he likes it or not. When he stands, the world starts to spin, and he has to bite back a whine at the way his headache worsens.

He pulls his hood on, even though it won’t make much of a difference, and takes a step outside. It’s not even five minutes before he’s soaked. At first, the rain almost felt nice on his fevered skin, but now he’s freezing. The cold’s worsened the way his nose is running, there’s mess all over his upper lip, and he can’t stop sneezing. His hair is stuck to his forehead, water gathered in his eyelashes. It’s another five minutes before he realizes he’s not getting to the train. His knees give out, and he has to catch himself against a bus shelter. He manages to make it to the bench inside, and sinks down, hyperventilating. He looks around aimlessly, hoping something will catch his eye and give him some semblance of a plan. And it does.

He’s on 110th and Amsterdam. That’s a block from Ashlynn’s apartment. Less than a block. He stands up, waiting for the world to stop spinning before making an attempt to walk. He tries not to think about the cold, or the way he can’t feel his toes, or the pounding in his head. Just focuses on one foot in front of the other.

He finds himself at her building. He presses her buzzer with shaking fingers, praying she’s home. He doesn’t have to wait even 30 seconds before the lobby door opens.

he steps inside, unable to hold back the heavy sigh of relief at the sudden warmth. He stands there for a moment, swaying slightly, before making his way to the elevator. Somehow, he finds himself at her door, and knocks. he hears her footsteps padding closer and closer before she’s standing right there, in front of him.

“Peter?” she looks puzzled until the world starts to tilt and he grips the doorframe to stay upright. “Whoa, hey, are you alright?” He opens his mouth to speak but three harsh sneezes come out instead, and he buries them into the wet sleeve of his hoodie. “Ok, c’mere.” She pulls him inside, and before he really knows what’s going on, he’s sitting at her kitchen table.

“S’raining,” he mumbles, and she hums in response.”M’cold.”

“I can tell. Here -” She starts to strip off his hoodie, which is totally soaked through. His shivering worsens, and she palms his forehead. “Shit, Peter.” She takes the hem of his t shirt and hesitates. “Can I...?” He nods, and she peels it off. She unties his sneakers and pulls off his socks, then bites her lip. “I can grab you a pair of my roommate’s sweatpants and you can change in the bathroom, yeah?” He shakes his head. There is no way he’s walking anywhere right now. She goes red. “You want me to...”

“M’gonna pass out if I try to stand up, Ash.”

Carefully, she unbuttons his jeans, tugging them off until he’s sitting in his underwear. She disappears for a moment before coming back with a towel, and wraps it around his shoulders. She places a box of tissues on his lap, and sits down in the chair across from him.

“What’s going on?”

“M’sick.” She laughs softly. Peter gingerly starts to wipe his nose, wincing at the raw, chapped soreness. He blows, and a spike of pain hits him between the eyes.

“Yeah, I can tell. Why were you -”

“Walking home from class,” he mumbles, and she nods. She stands up, and reappears with a thermometer. “Can we not?”

“If you wanna stay here then you’re gonna have to let me baby you,” she says, and if it didn’t hurt so bad he’d roll his eyes. He lets her stick the device under his tongue, and while she’s waiting for the reading she starts heating up water for tea. The thermometer beeps and she removes it gently. She frowns.

“What?” She takes a deep breath.

“It’s high, that’s all.” He raises his eyebrows at her. “102.2.”

“Not so bad,” he murmurs. He’s struggling to keep his eyes open. Sitting here in the warmth of the kitchen his body is finally deciding it’s had enough. The sudden warmth is also making his nose run. He sniffles.

“I’m not even gonna comment on that. C’mon, you can lay down on the couch. I’d offer you my bed but I don’t think you’ll make it that far to be honest.” He nods, and she pulls him upright. He manages to make it the few feet to the couch, and lands heavily. She swaps the towel for a blanket, and he’s never felt something better than the way it feels on his freezing, damp skin. Dry and warm and heavy. He curls up on his side, holding a tissue under his still-leaking nose, and he doesn’t last 30 seconds before falling asleep.

He’s awakened suddenly by the harsh ring of his cell phone. His headache is worse, despite the rest, and though his nose has stopped running it seems, his head is fully, hopelessly congested. He digs through his bag to find his phone, and frowns when he sees it’s Leo. He considers letting the call go to voicemail, but that’s before he sees the 5 previous missed calls.

“Hello?” He hates the way his voice sounds - sick and congested and torn up.

“Peter, what the fuck is going on?”

“I’m uh...I’m home working on thesis.” It takes him a moment to remember his lie from earlier.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Why then do I see a photo of you, shirtless, on Ashlynn’s couch?” Peter knows immediately that he has fucked up, big time. “Do I really need to explain to you why that makes me upset?”

“Leo -”

“You better have a good fucking explanation for this.” Maybe it’s the fever, maybe it’s the fact he hasn’t seen Leo in weeks, or maybe it’s the build up of all the guilt he’s felt lying to him, but Peter feels tears start to fall. He breaks into sobs, and they make his headache exponentially worse.

“Leo, p-please, I -” He can barely speak around his tears. “Please don’t be mad.”

“Mad at you for what?” His voice is cold. “Tell me. I want to hear you tell me.”

“It’s...it’s not -”

“Tell me, Peter.”

“I didn’t want...I didn’t want you to be mad at me.” His fevered brain can’t quite string together the right words.

“How would...” He trails off. “How would sleeping with Ashlynn not make me mad?”

“I didn’t - we...it wasn’t...I know you’re tired of taking care of me, so -”

“What?” Leo’s tone has shifted.

“I know you’re sick of me being sick, so I was gonna just go home and sleep and then it was raining, and I was so fucking dizzy, and I was on 110th street -”

“Wait. Stop. Let me get this straight. You’re ill?”

“Yeah,” he says, and the guilt is absolutely eating him up. “I didn’t want to bother -”

“Love, why would that be bothering me?” Leo sounds almost sad.

“You-you’re so busy, and -”

“Peter, I don’t know what kind of miscommunication happened here but I’m not...I wouldn’t be bothered if I knew you weren’t feeling well. I mean, I’d be upset but just because I don’t want you to feel bad. I wouldn’t be mad at you or angry with you or something like that. Why would you have that idea?”

“I’d hate me if I was you,” he chokes out, and Leo sighs.

“Peter...Look, can I come get you?”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know that, that’s not why I asked.” He pauses. “Where’s Ashlynn?”

That’s a good question. Peter isn’t sure. At class, maybe?

“Not uh...not here.”

“Ok, I’m gonna call you back. I love you, ok?”

“Mmhm. Love you too.”

“Ok, just relax. Everything’s alright. Hang tight.”

“Ok.”

#my writing #oc peter #oc leo #snz #sickfic

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chaoticgeminate · 4 years

Text

Recover

As a thank you for the AMAZING response I got to Exposed, as well as a few questions on why I chose certain things to happen, I have now written the companion piece that comes through Adrien’s perspective through a majority of it.

Like Exposed this contains:

Minor Class Salt Minor Ladyblog Salt Minor Alya Salt MAJOR Lila Salt Adrinette Fluff Supportive Gorilla (I have named him Leonard and I stand for him as the one true Adrien parent canonically) Supportive Gabriel Agreste (reasons exist, but will not be explored here, you may speculate) Supportive Dupain and Cheng parents (when aren’t they) Mentions of birds and bees talk (*gigglesnort*)

[AO3]

Adrien had been on a three-day trip to Marseille when Lila struck, a fact that tore at him and led to more guilt festering within him, the liar had been prepared and was waiting for Marinette's only ally to be gone. "I should have done something sooner." His knuckles gripped the strap of his carry-on as he read the barrage of posts in the Class Chat, unsure of whether he wanted to even reply to these at the moment. A notification about a new meme on Catbug News was lost to a flood of Ladyblog notifications, his guilt spiking to an all-time high as Alya very savagely slammed Tom and Sabine's.

From his current place, getting ready to head back to Paris, he couldn't do much; he couldn't transform and go throwing himself across France to find out the whole truth, especially since Marinette wasn't answering her phone.

Why would she? I abandoned her?

Plagg's claws pressed into his shoulder and Adrien scrambled to follow his bodyguard as they went to board the train, Leonard didn't seem too concerned with the distraction and instead cleared his throat once they sat down. "You good, kid?" Adrien was reminded of the very few times he'd ever heard the Gorilla speak, always deep and rumbly, usually it was one or two words.

"Not really." He wanted to curl up and hide, or explode and scream how unfair this was to the rooftops, Adrien's brain and body at ends with how to process and unpack his emotions without looking like a mental case.

Leonard's hand settled on Adrien's head and the man shifted so he could squeeze Adrien's shoulder instead, gently of course but firm enough to help ground the boy. "Talk me through it, kid, you look close to fainting." Adrien's mouth opened and closed a moment, it was the most he'd ever heard his bodyguard say, it was the first time any of the adults in his life had wanted to hear his thoughts on anything.

Adrien hesitated but Leonard was patient, not taking back his request and instead just watching. "You remember Lila," This made Leonard scowl and nod, letting out a deep sigh that Adrien could practically feel in his bones. "and you know my friend Marinette, or you've seen her at least. She wears her hair in cute pigtails and-" Adrien flushed and stopped himself, but Leonard's scowl had faded to a calm expression.

Plagg, who had already shifted his hiding place, vibrated in Adrien's pocket out of contained snickers. "Marinette knows Lila is making stories up to impress the others and get out of doing work, she tried to call her out on it before, but since they were all just stupid tall tales I had thought Lila would have been figured out by now. Spoiler alert, she wasn't, and now she's framed Marinette and gotten her expelled a second time." Leonard's brow furrowed and the man retracted his hand to cross his arms, Adrien realized that he hadn't exactly told his bodyguard about that event either.

"The first time Lila planted the answer sheet for our geography test in Marinette's backpack, Madam Bustier called Marinette out in front of everyone, but Marinette always has high grades and especially in geography she does better than I do. But Marinette accused Lila when the latter said something, which got them both sent to the Principal's office. Lila then accused Marinette of pushing her down the stairs and saying that it was bullying, that Marinette stole her grandmother's pendant, the Principal expelled her on the spot." Adrien squeezed his hands until his knuckles hurt, he'd let her down even though he had tried, his ultimatum with Lila wasn't going to protect her.

Hearing the rumbling noise from his bodyguard, seeing Leonard watching him fairly intently, Adrien canted his head. "Sounds to me like no proper investigation was done, aside from investigating Lila's two claims of theft. No CCTV footage, no asking the staff about their observations between the two, or even getting in touch with the parent's privately. Not sure since I don't know law that well, kid, but seems like that teacher and Principal of yours are blatantly ignoring protocol." Adrien stared at the man, what else could he do, the fact that there should have been more done -that hadn't been done- was both a relief and another added stress point.

Leonard shifted to slouch, elbows on his knees with his palms pressed together, it put the tall man a little closer to eye-level with Adrien. "Kid, I'm going to guess you said you'd be there for Marinette since you both knew Lila was faking everything, that you didn't want to rock the boat because of how often akuma pop up." Adrien's throat felt tight and his eyes burned as he nodded, unable to even come up with a reply, it had felt like the right thing to do at the time.

"I'm not going to lecture you, kid, it won't do much more than make you feel worse. You made a choice in that moment, what you have to do is learn from that choice, your friend trusted you enough to let her own feelings on the matter go. What you have to do now is follow through with your choice to be there for her, regardless of the consequences, or her trust was misplaced. You're a good kid, Adrien, you wear your heart on your sleeve and that's okay too; if someone hurts you, or your friends, you are allowed to be angry and upset. You are allowed to want to help no matter what your Father says, you can't live in his shadow forever and he won't be there to make all your choices for you, there are some things you need to do for yourself."

Leonard took a long sip of water and Adrien felt the burning in his eyes grow before he squeezed them shut, trying not to burst into tears while on a very public train, but his body won out and Adrien managed to at least quiet himself so he didn't make a scene. Once he was cried out the teen spent the rest of the ride scrolling through the class chat to figure out what happened, since Mari still wasn't answering her phone or texts, even as an admittedly petty idea formed in his head and wouldn't go away.

By the time they had reached Paris there had been a return fire from Nadja Chamak and TVi, as well as the numerous loyal patrons of Tom and Sabine's, Adrien had the day off from school since he had gotten back so late and took advantage of that. After asking to be left alone until dinner, which wasn't something he knew would be a problem with his Father and Nathalie involved in a video conference with a fabric supplier, the teen found himself heading right for the TVi studio.

Nadja Chamak practically flew out of her skin when he entered the recording room, Aurore was prepping for her first major story and he was glad to have caught them. "Chat Noir? Is there an akuma?" The reporter was probably expecting it, along with all of Paris, but they'd been lucky so far.

"No, Madam Chamak. I wanted to make a public statement against the Ladyblog, on a factual source of news, since Ladybug hasn't done so yet. We don't tolerate tabloids and slander against reputable businesses and good people." The bite in his voice was present and Nadja seemed to relax, gesturing to have him seated across from Aurore at an interview setting instead of a news table.

He listened to the student reporter as she started, cameras trained on her calm expression as she blatantly called the Ladyblog out for slander and the staff at Françios Dupont for power abuse and an inability to follow board mandated protocol. It was only after he managed to reign in his temper, insult Alya and the school, that he found himself on a rooftop panicking because Ladybug was going to murder him. Even admitting he'd met Marinette was a very stupid, risky, and dangerous thing with Hawkmoth on the loose.

He'd just put a target on her back, worse than anything Lila could have done to her, and he very nearly broke his foot kicking a wall. He had to talk with Ladybug first before he risked visiting Marinette, let the hype die down so he wasn't caught showing up on her balcony in the suit, it sucked but Hawkmoth couldn't know how close they were.

By the time Ladybug had shown up the hero was done trying to beat himself up, physically at least, and his ears jolted upright as his tail went still the moment she hugged him. It was a long hug, like longer than usual, but the moment it registered just what she'd done the heroine threw herself away from him and looked something between cross and flustered. "For Marinette." She had said, which really went to show how important the designer was to Ladybug if she was willing to hug him that long as a show of thanks.

"I purr-omise to stop by and see her, when it's safe since I already was a jackass and put a target on her back today. I was just so- Ladybug I was so angry; she doesn't deserve this." He mussed up his hair and paced, slouched shoulders combined with a runway walk made it look like a big cat slinking around.

He heard the soft sniffle. "No, she doesn't, but it's okay that you defended her. I think now more than ever she needs to be reminded who she has in her corner, yea?" There was something in her expression that was soft and fond, but lurking behind it was the glint that she usually got when thinking how to take down an akuma. "Let's get patrol out of the way, Chat, I would like to back up your statement earlier and talk with Aurore tonight." His heart swelled that she wasn't going to make him do this alone, but why would she? Ladybug had never failed to support him, even if she'd never really reciprocated his feelings she was still his very best friend.

All he could do was purr noisily and nod as he grabbed his baton. "Thanks, Bug." He earned a smile before they split up and his chest felt lighter knowing that Ladybug was going to give her public support too. He knew he couldn't go see Marinette for a few days, in or out of the mask, but maybe by then she would be able to accept his apology for not doing something sooner.

[Marinette, I am so sorry! I got caught up on the class chat on the last day of the shoots when we were leaving, I didn't think this would happen and I'll do whatever I have to in order to make things right. I know you probably hate me and I understand why, I'm sorry that I didn't have your back and wanted to handle her the way Father taught me to handle tabloids. I didn't think it would ever get this bad and I really messed up, Mari.]

He'd woken up to a text from Marinette, his first one since the incident, and while it didn't take all the guilt from him there was an acknowledgement to his apology.

[I don't blame you for this, Adrien, though I hope you see why I wanted to get the others at least skeptical of her before this. I'll admit that before her first attempt at getting me expelled it wasn't a bad idea to just let her expose herself, but once she targeted me then I should have said something instead of being afraid you'd be disappointed in me.]

A break of five minutes lingered between this and the next message.

[Don't go into school rampaging and chewing the others out, don't bring that on yourself, my parents are on my side this time and the board is involved.]

Adrien still felt guilty, he still felt angry, but he trusted Marinette and her family; he was going to support them however he could, even if it meant giving his friends the cold shoulder. Which made him wonder if they even really were his friends, would they have trusted him more or less than Marinette if he tried to call Lila out?

[I can't go in there and be smiles and sunshine after what they did to you, Mari, but I'll avoid confrontation for you.]

[Thank you, Adrien.]

His drive to school was silent as Adrien spent some time looking into what he could that might help Marinette's case against the school and maybe a case directly against Lila, his bodyguard said nothing as they pulled up to the street as his classmates defended her from the various other students who knew and trusted Marinette. TVi's return fire had left a huge mark and his statement as well as Ladybug's had turned Alya's blog sideways in a night.

"Adrien, please make them stop!" Lila's loud cry made him freeze in place and turn his head to look at her, the rest of his class wore similar pleading expressions, but he wasn't going to stay quiet. He wouldn't scream or spit fire, not yet at least, but Adrien was done with playing stupid.

Channeling his Father's most potent dead stare, shoulders tense, the model made sure to look right at her. "Marinette is my friend, someone who is very important to me, I know she didn't do what she was accused of and I'll believe her over you every time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've missed enough class." Adrien turned and stalked inside, nearly throwing Aurore when the reporter came up and looped her arms around one of his.

He did jerk in surprise but she had a surprisingly good amount of balance and strength to not stumble. "That was amazing, Adrien, thank you for standing up for Marinette like that. If they give you any trouble at all just let me know and I'll make sure to include it in the PSA on CatBug News. Someone is going to wind up akumatized and I'd rather Paris be as aware as they can." Aurore's tone was firm, proud too, which served to further his opinion of the former weather girl.

He offered her a smile, at least the best he could manage right now, before pausing at the classroom door. "Thanks, Aurore, I should be okay but I'll keep you updated. Ladybug and Chat Noir definitely picked the best person to be their go to for news." Aurore preened and thanked him with a grin before heading to her own class, Adrien took his seat and got out his books, not bothering to pretend to be the dutiful student as he brought out his phone to tell Marinette what he'd done and said to the class. Nino was the first to walk in, though Adrien could hear the others whispering outside the door.

He was glad, though, since it meant less time before their teacher appeared that he'd have to listen to them if they stayed out there. "Dude?" Adrien set his phone down but didn't bother turning his head or saying anything. "I know you have this whole 'see the good in people' thing but Lila has photo evidence that Mari burned her homework. Like, she took it herself when she realized what was happening, there's no arguing that." This made Adrien tense up, gripping his textbook tightly, two things crossed his mind in that moment as the rage burned through him for how far Lila was willing to go.

But he did level Nino with a look. "Photoshop exists, Nino, I'm a model and I get to watch them edit out any 'flaws' from a shoot. I still stand by what I said, I believe Marinette over Lila and I always will, if you can't deal with that I'll move seats but I'm not going to hear anything else about it." His friend took his seat and the rest of the class walked in without a word, though Kim and Alix did shoot him dirty looks, he didn't really care now.

"Alright, class, we've got a lot to cover."

Madam Bustier looked pale, shadows under her eyes, the vengeful little part of Adrien was pleased.

Without a reporter in sight, now that night had fallen, the hero landed gently on the balcony and made sure there were no cameras or pedestrians that saw him before he tapped on the skylight. Marinette looked up and opened the latch, though he did hesitate because he'd never seen the redness in her eyes that she had now, a rumble of thunder in the distance made him drop down so his knees hit the bed first. "Uh, hi Princess, I wanted to check on you; Ladybug pointed out-" Slender arms wrapped around his body and her wail muted whatever else he'd planned to say, he tensed up momentarily before relaxing as she cried into his suit, his hand rubbing her back.

He hadn't been prepared for his own breakdown, though, her grief only seemed to make the guilt swell within him until they were both a crying mess. Having her comfort him wasn't the plan but he did feel so much better once he was able to cry, even if it still sucked, and hearing her compliment him out of the suit was enough to make him feel better too. But something made him curious, based on the photos on her walls and the tone of her voice, it wasn't the same tone she used when talking about any of her other friends or even Luka. It was very similar to him when he used to talk about Ladybug.

Having the chance to maybe get a direct answer he prodded a little about her relationship with Adrien, he did not expect to learn that his friend liked him. As in wanted to hold his hand, go on dates, kiss, and cuddle; he couldn't control the high-pitched sound that escaped him or the way his face erupted into a blotchy mess of red. Hearing her recount their disastrous meeting, hearing her so fondly tell him that she'd fallen for him when he sought out to fix her mistake despite how he didn't have to, was like a curtain being drawn back to her stutter and general panic around him.

When he confirmed, not that she knew it, he wouldn't ever reject her and find it too awkward to even want to be her friend -because who wouldn't want to be her friend- the feline now understood all those times Nino and Alya would ditch them when they went out. Hearing that Alya tried to brute force them together, despite knowing Marinette wasn't ready, only lowered his already low opinion of the girl he'd once thought to be cool.

Once he was safely in his room, after he managed to get Marinette into bed and asleep, he looked at Plagg as the Kwami snagged his cheese. "Plagg, Marinette likes me." The cat looked at him and made a gesture along the lines of 'I would hope so?' before shoving camembert into his mouth. "Not like- I mean she wants to date me; she wants to hold my hand in a non-platonic way." The Kwami swallowed the bite he'd taken and sighed.

"Not new news, kid, why do you think all your classmates kept trying to shove the two of you together? They were all pairing up and she was hardly subtle about it." Adrien's gut lurched at Plagg's statement, he had suspected but she never had said anything, even when he asked she made up excuses. Honestly it was confusing and she hadn't exactly denied liking Luka either, nor had she mentioned past crush on Chat Noir.

He just wanted answers. "Why didn't she say anything? Why did she try to hide it?" But he knew the answer and couldn't acknowledge it, she was terrified of rejection and losing him, he would've tried to let her down easily but she would have still been hurt. "Plagg, what do I do?" He had tried giving Ladybug up and going on a few dates with Kagami but it hadn't worked, he had to break it off with Kagami already.

But Ladybug didn't want him, she'd said it numerous times, Adrien knew exactly what he'd be putting Marinette through if he thought he was over Ladybug and tried dating when he wasn’t. "You have to make a choice. You can pretend you don't know, chase the Bug, and maybe there'll be a slim chance she chooses you but it's unlikely. Or you can acknowledge what she said, can you picture yourself being happy with pigtails?" Adrien didn't even need to hesitate on that one, of course he could, Marinette was incredible.

"Easily, she's so kind and compassionate, Marinette really genuinely loves with everything and-" His ramble was cut off as he realized what he'd said, what he was feeling, his eyes widened and the blush returned full force. "Plagg, I think I like Marinette." He sat down on his bed and felt that creeping warmth spread down his neck, his ears felt hot as he thought of the sunny smiles and kind actions she was known for, even more so warmer than when he thought of Ladybug.

Plagg hummed and then disappeared, dropping into the trashcan, Adrien looked up at his Father when the door opened. "Adrien, are you alright?" The model nodded and then immediately shook his head, groaning as he buried his face in his hands.

How embarrassing. "I don't know, I just found out that Marinette likes me, but I can't- I like her too but I don't know if things would work between us and-" He couldn't exactly tell his Father that he liked Ladybug, it would be silly and no doubt the man would remark it was a passing fancy, nor did he think his Father would care about Adrien's potential romantic relationships aside from making sure they didn't tarnish the business.

A hand landed on Adrien's back and his Father hesitated before sitting down. "Miss Dupain-Cheng?" This made Adrien nod and turn his head to look at his Father's expression, it was oddly soft compared to his usually blank face. "Why do you think it wouldn't work?" Adrien blinked and then cleared his throat; he had not expected this.

"Honestly? She's liked me since our second day of school, after I gave her my umbrella, I never even noticed. How can I say I like her if I never noticed how she felt for me? How do I know I'm not just reacting to her confession? What if I mess up so bad that she doesn’t want to be friends?" Though she hadn't meant to confess to him at all, she said it to Chat Noir, so how could he just swoop in and claim the Princess without even being remotely obvious?

Hearing his father hum in consideration, a sound he was used to before runways, felt strange here. "You gave her your mother's umbrella? You must have wanted her to think highly of you, not even Nathalie was allowed to handle it." Adrien's world spun at that revelation, his mother's umbrella from her movie Solitude was nestled in Marinette's room, he hadn't even made the connection and the rush of feelings mingled with guilt for his lapse in memory of his mother.

How could he admit that to his Father? "I want this to work." He did, Adrien wanted it to work with every fiber of his being, Ladybug had someone and Adrien found a girl who liked all of him even if she didn't know it yet. He found an incredible, kind, loving, girl with a heart of gold and a backbone of steel. Every second the idea lingered in his head was another second that he could truly see himself being able to get over Ladybug as long as Marinette was by his side.

He was pulled into a hug and Adrien relished in the gesture. "It will work, you just have to be honest with her, talk to her before you come home for lunch tomorrow." But that was just it, this wasn't waiting at school or stealing moments between classes, he had to go to her house to do that.

Adrien bit back his fears. "Father, she was framed for some crime by Lila and expelled without proper procedure being followed, I have to help her and I don't know how." He had a man who was used to dealing with a media circus, who had experience with teenage drama and people abusing their positions, Adrien had access to help and he wasn't going to fail Marinette again.

"Tell me everything."

He did, Adrien told his Father every scrap of the story from the Volpina incident and up to the most recent development, he threw his own apologies in for eavesdropping and stealing the book but made sure he mentioned Lila's constant unwanted touches and her akumatizations. "I'll have to get in touch with Mlle. Dupain-Cheng's parents, as I refuse to allow that girl to get no punishment for sexual harassment, but they can sue for unlawful photography. As it is illegal to take photographs without consent, especially of a minor." Hearing this made Adrien's heart swell, he could pass that information on, there was hope.

But a glance at the clock indicated it was late, he had to sleep now, but he'd see Marinette tomorrow. Adrien thanked his Father and earned a second hug, getting ready for bed and laying down before he got wound up again, he would make sure to talk to Marinette tomorrow.

If the cold shoulder treatment was supposed to hurt his feelings, his classmates hadn’t even glanced at him today, then it wasn’t working at all. Madam Bustier looked worse off today than she had the day before, the investigation was in full swing and everything was being pulled into the open, Adrien could only imagine just how badly she and the school were being torn up for their lack of protocol. “Alright, class, I’ll see you after lunch.” As he traded his books out Adrien frowned when Lila leaned heavily against the locker beside his, eyes narrowed in anger and lips curled into a sneer, she’d certainly timed it well enough to be alone with him.

“You made a mistake, Adrien. You think getting her expelled is the worst I can do to that self-righteous pushover? With parents in the food business it’s far too easy to get the health department involved, you can fall back in line and be my boyfriend or that little shack of theirs will be shut down.” Lila’s words were spoken softly and dripping with venom, he was glad that she was done faking the cute act with him, because she didn’t see what he did; from the mirror on his locker wall he could see Nathaniel and Juleka staring from their place behind him.

Adrien’s tall frame masked the pair of them, along with the door of his locker, from Lila knowing they were there. “You really think threatening me is going to get you what you want? Unfortunately for you Lila, especially with Ladybug and Chat Noir supporting Marinette and her family, it’s over. I hope you’re prepared; you built that tower of lies really high and it’s coming down fast, Lila.” He closed his locker and moved back, allowing Lila to see Juleka and Nathaniel wearing incredulous looks that morphed into disgust.

Panic filled her expression briefly before she stormed by them, no doubt going to destroy their reputations, but Adrien wasn’t too concerned. “Shit.” Hearing Nathaniel curse was rare but hearing that from Juleka was a surprise, especially since she wasn’t mumbling any longer, the two whipped out their phones as Adrien walked by them. He had to see Marinette, he had to talk to her about the lawsuit, Adrien was already rushing over to the bakery with an apology to Leonard.

“Hello Adrien, Marinette is upstairs in her room.” He thanked Sabine and rushed up the steps to the apartment, alarm on his phone set as a precaution, taking the steps up to Marinette’s room as Sabine called out that he was here. He stared at the back ears that were standing up on a hood, blanket wrapped around her bottom half, the onesie was cute and Adrien felt his face warming up again. “Hey Marinette!” He almost panicked, had that been too chipper? What if she realized he knew something and figured him out?

Her surprised shriek was kind of cute but he had to lunge forward to catch her before she could hit the floor, watching the rosiness grow in her cheeks as she stared at him, making sure to help her back to her feet and keep his hands on her shoulders for a fast grab if she fell again. But in his glance down he realized she was wearing a Chat Noir onesie, the waist had a fabric belt tail and the feet were like paws with the gray ends like his boots. He couldn’t help but interrupt her ramble, seeing that she was getting anxious, by squeezing her shoulders and then pressing one finger to her lips.

Watching her lashes flutter in wide-eyed wonder, watching that look, he ducked his head a little to hopefully hide his own blush. “You’re so cute, Marinette.” Adrien had a brief moment where he could swear there was an airhorn somewhere and shrieking of ‘what the hell was that Agreste’ echoing, as if someone had deafened him and stolen his ability to react, he scrambled to recover something remotely resembling a cool composure.

He managed to blurt out his original message for her, as far as a means of getting back at Lila once and for all, but he hardly expected her to throw herself at him and moved to stabilize her as a reflex. But when she mentioned kissing him it was like his brain short-circuited, his heart was racing as he delivered some sort of line to make her aware that he wouldn’t be opposed to kissing her at all and had no idea what he even said, but whatever it was had her staring at him in wonder and hope and he couldn’t resist.

One her consent was given, because he was not going to push any boundaries, Adrien kissed her; her lips were warm and tasted like berries from whatever chapstick she’d used, their teeth clicked together and he hoped that was he was doing with his tongue was okay. One kiss split and broke into many others, his head was fuzzy and his heart was full and Adrien decided that there was officially nothing better than this. He sprang back from her when his alarm chimed and he felt like a right asshole for having to dash out after that, promising to call her because he wasn’t going to risk her thinking that he didn’t want to commit or something, Plagg snickered as he paused at the bakery.

Sabine was coming up to the apartment, Tom talking with the staff so he could eat lunch with his family, Adrien was glad that both of them were there. “Excuse me, um, I had a question for you both.” Their fond smiles made him hope to all above that he wasn’t going to get a hard rejection from the duo. “If my father allows it, I would like to date Marinette; I really like her and if I have your permission, I would like to take her on a date.” He felt his nerves spike at their momentary silence before Sabine wrapped him in a hug as Tom scooped them both up.

“Of course, Adrien, you’re a sweet boy and one of her very best friends. As long as you treat our daughter right and make sure she’s happy we won’t mind at all.” Their acceptance made him teary eyed as he grinned, thanking them to leave when Leonard texted him, he had to get home since he had a brief Mandarin review over lunch. Rushing inside, telling Nathalie that he needed to talk with his Father and that it was very important and related to Marinette, he ate quickly and began working on his review as he hoped that the sudden attention from his Father would continue.

Hearing the footsteps and then having his Father enter his room, Nathalie joining him too, Adrien forced down his excitement at how he felt with the sudden change. “Father, I kissed Marinette today. I have her parent’s permission to date her and I’d like yours as well, I just- it’s important to me that you’re okay with it as well.” Adrien met his Father’s gaze and found that soft look was back, it earned him another hug and a pat on the head.

“Could you please contact Miss Dupain-Cheng? I would just like to ask her something.”

He started the video call and debated ending it to text her first, acting too late though sine she answered, seeing her with her onesie was still adorable and he felt guilty that she nearly choked on her lunch. He was jealous though since he spied noodles and something like dim sung, his usual diet monitored his carbohydrate intake after all, but Adrien’s confusion bloomed to a full blush as Marinette complimented him in front of his Father. The arranged dinner date was exciting and Marinette’s reaction to her mother’s teasing was even cuter, Adrien wasn’t sure what all needed to be discussed but he was fine with it.

Or he would have been until his Father and Nathalie gave him a crash course on STI’s, contraception, menstrual cycles, and consent.

“Thank you for accepting my invitation, welcome to our home.”

Adrien would have said something but his breath was stolen by the vision of beauty in front of him, his throat felt dry and his face was hot, Marinette’s dress was a short cheongsam paired with round-toe wedges. The base fabric was a darker purple with red and blue peonies printed on it, but she’d added a whole layer of lace over that with its own floral pattern that created an illusion of water color fabric. The skirt came to her knees with a short slits on the both sides, the Mandarin collar had a lighter purple edging and a double sided round front with a single peony shaped pankou on each side, it was gorgeous and Adrien felt like the entire French dictionary had been wiped out of his head as well as half the Chinese dictionary. “Welcome, please come in, may I take your coats?” He rushed closer for something to do, his hands shaking as he accepted the jackets, taking great care with them as he hung them up in the hall closet.

His Father didn’t even hesitate in asking questions. “Miss Dupain-Cheng, I must ask, did you make that yourself?” His eyes scanned the edging, the lace layer, and Adrien was prouder when his Princess nodded as she slowly turned for them with a proud tilt to her head.

“Yes, Monsieur Agreste, I actually made this dress as well as the clothing my parents are wearing and our coats. Maman and Papa are my go-to models and walking advertisements.” Adrien was impressed with the fit of Tom’s button-down since he was a broad-chested man with height, the fact that there were no signs of the fabric being stretched or hanging too loose meant the measurements were exact. Even his Father was nodding as he took in the attire, Adrien knew that everyone had gotten pretty dressed up.

Adrien didn’t stop himself any longer. “You’re incredible, Marinette, those are all very well-made and incredible designs; men’s wear isn’t as flashy but it all depends on the fit, which even some of Father’s staff would have difficulties fitting your Father right due to his shoulders and chest being so broad compared to his hips and legs.” It was why models were all preferred to be slender, so that clothing lines were easier to tailor and fit, the straighter the body and the better chance you had at modeling.

Sabine, who handed off a covered platter to the chef’s assistant, hummed thoughtfully. “Marinette has had years of practice with her Papa’s measurements, most of our clothing is custom made by now and we don’t actually have to buy that much outside things like undergarments.” Adrien stared at Marinette in awe, he’d known she was amazing and tonight proved it but that she even made their casual clothing was more than enough to make him want to melt, he wanted to wear something she designed too.

“Impressive, I look forward to seeing your work in the future, should you have any questions or wish any assistance I will be more than willing to provide such.” Hearing his Father offer that was another shock, everyone had joked about Gabriel the Recluse but Adrien knew the public had a point, few people on his Father’s staff were allowed to even try and discuss help or requests from him. It was like he was looking at a whole different person, the man he’d been prior to his wife going missing a year ago, all Adrien could do was hope that this was going to be permanent.

Soft chiming made them turn, the chef’s assistant bowed at the waist, the door to the dining room open. “The first course of dinner is ready to be served.” Adrien offered his arm to Marinette and she placed a hand into the crook of his elbow as she came to stand beside him, pulling her chair out and ignoring the looks as Tom and Sabine effectively made him sit beside Marinette with his Father at the head of the table on Adrien’s left. He didn’t mind that they allowed him to sit beside his girlfriend, why would he complain?

As the bowls were set down, a wild rice and mushroom soup, Adrien prayed he was mentally prepared for this conversation since he’d been blindsided once already. Their parents kept the topics away from school, mostly skirting it by asking about what Adrien wanted for his future, he’d confessed to not really liking the modeling aspect of fashion but that he didn’t mind doing it because he was good at it and it helped his Father. “Now, I understand Adrien speaks Mandarin?” Sabine looked very much like she had a mischievous idea and Marinette made a soft sound, as if going to protest. “I’ve been teaching Marinette, after she had Adrien help her when my Uncle came to Paris, I’d be more than happy to take over his Mandarin lessons and have him work in the bakery.” Adrien blinked rapidly at that idea, he hadn’t thought to ask to change to a native speaker for Chinese, it wasn’t even a bad idea.

More surprising to him was that his Father was nodding at the suggestion. “In return I can begin having Miss Dupain-Cheng attend his photoshoots outside school hours, I can have a staff member assigned to teach her the management side of the industry, I don’t need to focus on the design or crafting aspects yet as I am impressed with what I have seen thus far.” Their parents were planning them supervised time together, in areas they could work on things they already were doing or wanted to do, and Adrien met Marinette’s eyes as she blushed.

“But we do have to set some rules.” Tom’s stern voice was soft still but it was clear he wanted their attention. “You both have other responsibilities and cannot let your relationship cause you to forget them. Gabriel, would you say eight thirty or nine in the evening as the cut-off for week-day phone curfew?” Adrien hadn’t thought about that one and his Father hummed in thought before looking at them.

“Eight thirty, I think, for a week day. We can discuss if there are extenuating circumstances, though I can’t think of many at the moment; but if those situations arise, they can be handled at the time. Weekends I think extending that time to nine thirty is fair, an extra hour is plenty.” Here was where Marinette’s mother nodded and looked right at them, both Adrien and Marinette nodding in agreement since it was very fair of an agreement.

Adrien was almost afraid to ask. “May I- every other week, may I take Marinette out? Even if it’s for a light brunch or a walk in the park, with Leonard following at a distance?” He would have preferred as often as he could, truthfully, but they were already proving to be willing to extend a bridge and he wanted to meet them in the middle. He couldn’t ask for no bodyguard, that would never happen, but he could ask for distance.

Tom and Sabine shared a look and then looked at his Father, who shared their look and made some gesture with his brows that Adrien didn’t catch, before they nodded in some kind of an agreement. “I think once a week is fair for an unsupervised date, though you will be required to send us a text message when you reach your date location and check in every hour that you are both safe, we will create a group message specifically for check-ins. As well as a code for if you are in trouble but are unable to relay such safely.” Adrien’s chest swelled and Marinette squeezed his hand, their second course arriving as the bowls were cleared away from the table, this was already more than he expected from his Father. He was getting unsupervised dates, once a week, the check-in was no problem at all.

Nathalie whispered something to his Father, Adrien had never quite seen the shade of red on the man’s face before, but whatever it was made him gesture to Tom and Sabine; neither of them reacted quite the same, Tom did sigh reluctantly, it was clear Marinette figured it out though when she squeaked and looked to be seven shades of red. “Alright, so, we’re going to address a very… private subject. If you two decide you want to try being intimate,” Adrien’s ears burned at that and Marinette’s crimson face started matching the purple on her dress. “please tell us first before you try sneaking around. We will make sure you have condoms, birth control, and privacy if you don’t lie to us about it.” This made both teens nod even though Adrien was sure it wasn’t happening any time soon, not that he wasn’t curious about it but he could hardly handle the idea of kissing Marinette at the moment without turning to mush.

“That’s not going to be for a while, we just started dating, but thank you for being open with us about it. I’m not- I wouldn’t ask for anything like that until we were more comfortable with each other, I’m just happy to be able to take her out on dates and show Marinette off.” Adrien wasn’t going to mess this one up, not a relationship with Marinette Dupain-Cheng, if she wasn’t ready then it wasn’t happening and he knew she felt the same way.

Those blue eyes of hers burned with a will of steel. “I’m not planning on doing anything like that right now, though I won’t lie and say I’m not excited at the idea, but we’re still leaning the simple things about one another and throwing that into our relationship now isn’t going to make it a better relationship. Besides, with Adrien being a model and used to people tugging at his clothes and limbs, I’m going to be a little wary of his consent because he didn’t realize he had a right to tell Lila or Chloé to stop grabbing at him until I said something about it.” Adrien had forgotten about that, he hadn’t realized that he could tell them to stop hugging his arm or grabbing at him without it being seen as impolite, it was after a few talks with Marinette about consent and his rights to his body that he started speaking up about it.

Which made sense then that she’d be more cautious to his consent, she would need to figure out when he was really okay with something or just agreeing because he felt like it was normal. Their second course were figs with bacon and a chile sauce, one of Adrien’s favorite things the chef had made for him, their parents accepted what they said and Adrien even earned an apology from his Father in regards to being so lax on explaining consent and his own right to his body to him. They returned to topics like school work, agreeing to one study session at the mansion per week as long as their grades stayed where they were at or improved, while Adrien and Marinette avoided the discussion as much as they could.

When the chef brought out the main course, a seared Chilean sea bass, Adrien realized his Father had gone right for the best options on the chef’s specialty menu and seemed to be looking for approval; he practically fluffed up when Tom and Sabine remarked at how delicious the food was. It was as if his Father was trying to impress them, even sparing looks to Marinette for her opinion on their choice of sides, having opted for roasted green beans and hasselback style mini potatoes with a garlic herb butter rather than their usual honey-glazed brussel sprouts. Adrien met Marinette’s eyes and saw that she also looked as amused at the situation, her parents were delighted and charmed by the normally stern man, Adrien had to wonder how much of this was for show and how much was genuine. Because he’d never seen his Father like this even when his Mother was around, thought he suspected it was just something about the trio of guests because they brought home with them wherever they went.

After clearing the main course away, the dessert was brought to the table, an artfully made dark chocolate and raspberry tart that had the bakery logo done in the center with powdered dried raspberry and the fruits decorating the top. “Marinette was the one to do the decorating, I just made it.” Tom’s grin held a smug pride as Marinette blushed and confirmed his statement with a shy smile, it tasted as amazing as it looked and Adrien was quite frankly in heaven, the rich velvety chocolate contrasted with the tart raspberries and the crust had all the sweetness needed to counter both strong tastes without overwhelming it.

Dessert’s arrival brought on much lighter conversation, branching into Tom and Marinette’s shared bonding over video games and convincing Gabriel to at least watch them play a few rounds of Ultimate Mecha Strike, Sabine didn’t play but she was an excellent cheer leader and Adrien learned she was an instigator between her husband and daughter’s hilarious banter. He watched Marinette as her hands danced on the controller, that she held differently than her Father did, even as Tom alternated between playing the pity card and smart mouthing her.

“Someone kneads to practice.” The emphasis on the word was confusing until Tom’s look was amused annoyance.

His eyes danced. “Whipping out the baking puns? You should expand your horizons, cupcake.” Adrien felt a touch of shock at the fact that Marinette punned, that Tom had punned back, and that it seemed to alight a competitive something in his girlfriend.

Sabine chuckled behind her hand as Marinette jumped on a reply. “I would but they’d be whey too complicated and go over your head.” Adrien’s heart raced and he was sure that she was sparkling or something, he thought anime had exaggerated the glitter and hearts but there was no other explanation for the sudden glow.

Tom’s whoop of delight as he got off a nasty combo attack on Marinette’s bot was silenced when she locked him into her grab technique and KO’d him with her Marinette Super Combo before he could land the last few hits he needed to win. “You cheddar brie-lieve I plan to get you back for that.” Adrien was going to bounce out of his seat in excitement at the new puns he was hearing, he couldn’t wait to find a way to slip them into a chat with Ladybug to see her exasperated face.

“That was a silky delivery, but cheese puns are only sew-sew.” Marinette’s head whipped to look at them, as did Tom and Sabine, even Adrien couldn’t hide his shocked delight as he stared at his Father after Gabriel’s two-in-one pun was delivered. A smirk was present on his Father’s face and Adrien found himself wondering just what sort of magic Marinette and her family had, keeping Marinette in his life was a bigger priority than anything now.

Marinette watched the video with unmasked glee, Tikki was perched on her shoulder as they replayed the arrest and Lila’s reaction to it, the sweet revenge was enough to make her feel a little better. Representatives from the School Board had promised to be here just after lunch hour to discuss the outcome of their investigation, explain the punishments for all involved parties, and determine if Marinette would benefit more from going back to school or if keeping her enrolled online would be a preferable choice.

Even with Adrien telling her that the other students were whispering about apologies, Alix and Kim talking about possibly trying to come see her, Marinette didn’t want to forgive them. There shouldn’t have even been an issue because they should have trusted her, she hadn’t even bullied Chloé back for all the hell the mayor’s daughter had put her through, they had taken Lila’s word over Marinette’s and allowed themselves to be misled. Doctor Mazur, who she decided to continue therapy sessions with if only to deal with her bad habits, had been firm in reminding her that she didn’t have to forgive anyone or become friends with them again.

His calm tone and soft voice had been what she needed in another panic fit about how awkward she would feel if she did choose to go back, having them all staring at her or begging her to forgive them, terrified she would fall back into her routine of doing everything without taking care of herself again. Doctor Mazur had calmly reminded her that, aside from the School Board most likely overhauling the staff and school administration, it would be more likely they would most likely put her into a different school completely to guarantee her mental health wasn’t compromised.

Nathaniel, Juleka, Rose, and Ivan had all messaged her before her date with Adrien; evidently Lila had tried to force Adrien’s hand and revealed her true colors because she didn’t know Nathaniel and Juleka were in the room, Myléne apparently was having a hard time with accepting the truth but she trusted Ivan and the others more. But she hadn’t yet apologized to Marinette, as she still thought Lila was kind and sweet at the time, but today there were messages from everyone. Doctor Mazur had suggested to her parents that they change Marinette’s number too, an extreme move they had decided against at the time, she was starting to see why he mentioned it.

Hearing a knock made her look over to where Kagami stepped up into the room, eyes practically dancing with joy as she hustled over, sliding into the seat and looking eagerly at the tablet. Lila had outed Kagami as being interested in Aurore, something she had learned when she pilfered Adrien’s phone during one of their joint photoshoots apparently, the Tsurugi Matriarch hadn’t taken it the best in the beginning and Kagami had needed someone to talk to. Their friendship only continued to grow when Marinette became that shoulder, since the fencer refused to talk about it to Adrien at all, after a week of fire the older woman had finally sat down and listened to her daughter.

Kagami had been just as eager for Lila’s takedown as Marinette. “Adrien is coming over for lunch today, correct? Are you sure I am allowed to be present?” The nerves in her voice were clear and Marinette hugged the fencer with a nod, just because she was dating Adrien didn’t mean she was going to ignore her friends. Saying such made Kagami blush and smile, it was nice to see the frosty attitude was just a suit of armor, Marinette played the video and Kagami was snickering by the end of it.

Adrien’s arrival was greeted warmly and the three students ate noodles as they discussed plans for Marinette’s newest contest entry that required a male and female design with a model for each, Gabriel had been hesitant but permitted Adrien to act as Marinette’s model once Tomoe gave Kagami permission to be the female model. Marinette made sure to take their measurements before Adrien began showing Kagami his runway walk and making suggestions for her own, all while Marinette sketched away at a few designs.

The rules were that the clothes had to be casual, the contest winners would be featured in a summer travel book so the clothes were for summer weather, and accessories had to come from the list available online. Sun hats, shell jewelry, and an island feeling to the pieces did help with keeping Marinette from going off on her own trail of ideas. “Oh, I like that dress.” Kagami had leaned over her shoulder, to see what she was doing, Marinette studied the sketch again as she considered it. The wrap dress was kimono inspired, with elbow length wide sleeves with a band of fabric about 7cm thick that was sewn into the back and would cinch the waist of the dress together before hooking to itself in the back when the dress was closed.

Keeping the sleeves to be a light material, possibly a rope weave if she could find one soft enough and fine enough, would be ideal to match the straw hat with plum blossoms decorating the base of the crown. “I think I could make this work if I get the right fabrics.” Marinette hummed as she thought about going to the fabric store the following afternoon at lunch to explore a little, maybe she would find something that just spoke to her. A kiss landed on the top of her head and she looked up at Adrien as he leaned over her other shoulder.

“You can do it, Marinette, I think that’s an amazing design.” His praise made her smile, wrap dresses inspired by kimono closures weren’t exactly new or unique but she hadn’t seen any incorporate an obi into the look before either, if she could get this right without it looking too bath robe then she would be proud. “I have to say, I don’t think Father has ever let me wear a tank-top on camera before.” Which struck her that he was right, she’d never seen him without some sort of overshirt, Marinette wondered just how much she’d swoon herself seeing his shoulders.

Sometimes it was still hard to believe that Adrien liked her back.

Kagami shoved him playfully. “Probably because you’re so pale that you’d reflect too much light from the camera flash.” It was so unexpected a comment that both Adrien and Marinette stared, to the point that Kagami shifted in a little discomfort as her face fell, but Marinette burst into laughter and Adrien pouted dramatically at the barb.

“At least I know when to let it go, ice queen.”

The mock rage on Kagami’s face turned into a playful grin as she delivered a pillow strike that made the model yelp, his laughter loud as he tried to flee, Marinette giggled into her hand and watched them with a smile on her face. Only to be drawn into the fight when a stray pillow hit her in the back of the head. Once the fight was ended, with Marinette the victor, they cleaned up and had lunch before Marinette found her friend and boyfriend leaving with the arrival of Monsieur Richmond from the school board.

His stern face worried her, truthfully, but she was ready for the verdict. “Thank you for your patience in the matter during our investigations, Sir and Ladies, I am here to give you a brief summary of the decisions made as a result of our findings. Principal Damocles was removed from his position, as well as Caline Bustier, the pair of them replaced with Board certified staff to have proper training on handling threats and protocol for reported illnesses as well as classroom conduct.” Which they had expected at the very least, truth be told, but it was nice to hear confirmation that the issue was handled.

Marinette decided to ask the real question. “Will I… am I going back to school?” Part of her wanted to go if only for the normalcy, to be able to talk with Adrien between classes again, to see the friends she had left there. But the other part of her wasn’t ready to face the rest of her classmates yet, not wanting to be bombarded with more apology attempts.

Monsieur Richmond handed her a piece of paper. “You are, Miss Dupain-Cheng, but you will be reassigned to the class of Madam Priscille Mendeleiev rather than return to the class now under the care of Baxter Kennedy. Nor will you be asked to return to a role as classroom representative, you did a good job but we feel you need a little bit of a break.” Marinette sighed in relief because it was a compromise she was willing to accept, especially since she knew students in Miss Mendeleiev’s class and didn’t have to be worried about not having friends.

Hearing her Papa thank the man, even as she burrowed into her Maman’s hug, Marinette decided to surprise Adrien the next morning instead of telling him what was happening. With her bookbag on her shoulder, hair pulled up into twin buns rather than pigtails, Marinette checked her outfit one last time. Gray denim overalls ending in a skirt, pink half-sleeve blouse underneath, with pink and white high-top sneakers and thigh-high white socks; she felt cute and casual, definitely targeting her boyfriend’s fondness for anime.

Once she turned in her papers with the new Principal, Madam Roche welcoming her back with a warm smile and promising to do better for all students, the grin on her face as she spotted Adrien in the courtyard below only grew wider when Juleka pointed at her after tugging on his sleeve. He’d changed too, wearing a black overshirt today with a green and gray shirt under it, his dark jeans and black converse were far different from his tendency to wear lighter colors. “Mari?” It took all her control to head down the steps at a normal pace, sliding into his arms as he rushed over, her face warming as he peppered her cheeks with light smooches.

“I’m going to be in Madam Mendeleiev’s class, Adrien, but I’m back. I’ll see you in the halls, okay?”

“Alright, should I tell the others to let you approach them first?”

“Please? I’ll talk to them when I’m ready to, until then I just want to be able to move on.”

“Alright, Mari, I’ll let them know. Have a good day in class.”

He delivered one final kiss, right on the lips, that left her head fuzzy and heart racing; Tikki giggled from inside her pocket and Marinette hurried to her new classroom before sliding into the empty seat beside Aurore. Things were going to be fine, she’d recover from everything and come back better than before.

#chaoticwrites #ml fanfic #miraculous fanfic #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #the gorilla (i named him Leonard)#gabriel agreste #sabine cheng #tom dupain #supportive gabriel agreste

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might-guys-acorn · 5 years

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So I wrote this whole post, and it didnt post correctly so I deleted it like a dumbass. So I decided to rewrite it because I liked it a lot. Heres prompt number 7 "If you want to leave, then walk me out." (Alone with You by Canyon City) with the one and only, Sasuke Uchiha. Thanks for all the love and support❤

-🦎

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Okay, yes. He left the village. He betrayed everyone. He has lifelong vendetta against his brother that causes him to be a raging asshole sometimes. But as he stands here, looking as though hes seen a ghost, staring at you in your chunin vest in the middle of a clearing in the woods outside the village, your head isnt filled with memories of contempt or hatred, but of your own childhood. Him as a child, on the swingset, telling you that you have pretty eyes before running away with a toddler blush tinting his cheeks. Feeling his hard gaze on the back of your neck at the academy. Bring him dango as he burns his face and hands over and over while practicing his fireball jutsu. You were kind of friends, once upon a time.

"You look well." His voice breaks your thoughts and many more rush in to fill thier place. You look well? Really? After everything hes done, thats all he can think to say? Seriously?

"Wish I could say the same for you." Your reply was meant to sound irritated or malicious, but came out more sorrowful than anything.

"Id like to think I look stronger." He replies with a smirk.

"You know thats not what I meant, Sasuke." You meet his eyes and watch him flinch at the sound of his name leaving your lips. Your heart clenches at the sight if him and you cant help but think this was an awful mission to send you on. The whole basis of this assignment reeked of Orochimaru's involvement and it had been rumored that Sasuke had joined him. But, still, Lady Sixth couldnt have known of your past with the Uchiha, after all it was only a faint whisper of fondness from what felt like a lifetime ago. So why did it have to effect you so much, now?

"Y/N, I dont want to hurt you. So leave before I have to." He looks at the sky, avoiding your unrelenting gaze.

"Im sorry, but what makes you think you have the right to talk to me as if I'm a child." You could never stand being patronized, by anyone. Its half the reason you became a shinobi. He looks at you, surprised at your tone, but before he can say anything, a man with silver-white hair and glasses emerges from behind him.

"Sasuke, Lord Orochi- Oh, what do we have here?" The man looks over at you, his voice was soft but had an edge to it that sent shivers down your spine. As you look at him, you see an awful lot of scratches and bruises, almost as if he'd been in a fight-

"Where are my teammates?" You ask, not letting the worry in your heart seep through your words. The man, Kabuto Yakushi you believed was his name, smirked at you. You glance at Sasuke, but his eyes remained glued to the forest floor.

"In a cell, having their blood drawn for some tests." Before you could even try to deflect, Kabuto had tossed a needle at you, peircing your upper right shoulder. "Just like youre about to be in 10 minutes."

His words at the end were garbled to your ears, the poison on the needle quickly rushing through your veins. Before the darkness took hold, you caught a small glimpse of regret in Sasuke's downcast glare.

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You sat up quickly, and felt the whole world lurch at the movement. The poison had not fully left your system, so everything had a fuzzy filter overtop of it. You glaced around, taking in the large stone cell in front of you, the glare of torchfire on the moist rock walls around you, and your 3 teammates still unconscious on the ground. You stood up slowly, using the wall next to you for support, and noticed a small gauze pad taped to the crook of your elbow. That asshole took my blood, you think with a grimace.

Moving your gaze to the bars in front of you, you notice a familiar figure resting against the wall in front of your cell.

"Sasuke, what are you doing here?" Your voice is raspy after a couple of hours of rest.

"Im free to go where ever I like, its not like they could stop me." He says back, meeting your gaze. Still as cocky as always, isnt he?

"Let me rephrase, why are you here?"

"I should ask you the same question." He raises his eyebrows, clearly asking what brought your team around the unknowingly claimed neck of the woods.

"We were sent on a mission to recover a stolen document on a forbidden medical ninjutsu. It was my first mission as team captain." You didnt want his sympathy for this failure, but you were clearly frustrated with the concept of being captured.

"I see. Well I cant say Im thrilled at the thought of you being here. Unfortunately, Im still nostalgically fond of you." He replies, his words ringing in your ears as you struggle to grasp what he's saying.

"If you want to leave, then walk me out." You say, under the impression that he may have changed his mind about Konoha.

He laughs at your statement. "I'll stop by later." He says over his shoulder and you curse quietly to yourself, watching his retreating figure flicker in the torchlight of the cave.

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God, how long has it been since youve all seen another being? You pace the floor of the cell and hear your team mumbling about possible escape plans in the corner behind you. Theres been no food, not water, no human presence, other than that of the ones sharing the cell with you. It must have been at least a day and a half now. You turn on your heel and start to pace the other direction, but stop at the mysterious figure in front of the bars on your confinement. Your teammates notice him as well, and take up arms to defend themselves.

"Youre back." You say flatly, knowing full well the posture of the man in front of you.

"I told you I would be," he says quietly, your comrades arms fall to their sides in surprise at the semi-friendly interaction. "Now keep your voice down, everyone is asleep."

The light in the cave never waivered, so you had no concept of time. If it was night, than it had to have been 2 full days already. Damn.

You look at him, and watch as he makes the signs for a familiar lightning style jutsu. One that your godfather, Kakashi Hatake, had passed onto you. Your surprise at his use of it wained when you remembered that Uncle Kakashi had once been Sasuke's sensei, a long time ago. The Uchiha aimed the lightning blade at the lock on the cell and it burst open.

"Sasuke, what are you-"

"Hush and move quickly" he whispers forcefully. You usher your teammates out of the cell, and as soon as you step beaide him, Sasuke grabs your hand and rushes your through the labrynth of the hideout. Finally coming to a unsuspecting wall, he signs for the Lightning Blade again, and tears a large hole into the night. The quiet footsteps inside the cave are replaced by a loud rhythm of cicadas, and a few thuds of some fallen rubble. The five of you move quickly, into the clearing where you had come face to face with this man from your past two days ago.

Why did he do this? You think to yourself, and then standing in the clearing, the quiet footsteps, the lightning blade, it all made sense.

"You made it look like we escaped ourselves." You say to him, and then another moment of realization, "Youre not coming back with us."

He took a step towards you, grabbed your hand and placed a small scroll into it. It took one glance for you to realize it was the medical document you were sent to retrieve. He not only saved you, but made sure your first mission as captain was a success. You stare at him blankly, and he smirks as he touches two fingers to your forehead, "Dont get caught up in this again, I cant always come to your rescue."

"I dont need your rescuing, after all it was my jutsu that helped us escape." You laugh at him, and then turn, passing the scroll in your hand to your teammates behind you. You send them on, leaving you alone for your goodbyes.

"Dont say anything about this, I was simply training tonight, and didn't hear the commotion." He looks at you, and you nod, a secret understanding between two old friends.

You take a step towards him, lean up on your toes and kiss his cheek lightly, "I'll be saving some dango for you, when you finally decide to come home."

You turn and take off, following your teammates, the small smile and light blush on his cheeks burned into your brain. Oh how your childhood can sneak up on you.

Smiling in the treetops, you can't help but think, He really did walk me out.

#sasuke #sasuke uchiha #sasuke x reader #naruto imagines #naruto #naruto imagine #sasuke fluff

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pyotatochip · 5 years

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just like dancing | hyunjin x reader

what’s up losers. this one goes out to @starhhj thanks for always hurting me so good <3

just like dancing | hwang hyunjin x gender neutral reader wordcount: 4k inspired by: sidekick by walk the moon summary: meeting up with a photographer for a day of modelling turns into making a maybe forever friend.

ur a model

well. aspiring model.

ur instagram is a buncha pictures that u make ur friends take of you whenever y'all hang out

u have booked a couple photoshoots and submitted them to magazines

u even got published a couple times!!!!

not in anything big, just photography journals and portraiture mags

BUT IT'S SOMETHING!!!!

photoshoots are hella expensive tho fuckin. rip ur wallet

so u join a facebook group, which is something u never thought u would do

the idea was that aspiring photographers and aspiring models would meet up, get experience, and maybe make professional relationships

you? young and cute

all these photographers? 36 yr old dudes

they always invite you to their studios in their houses

to do artsy half nude shoots

so u were pretty unwilling to meet up with most of them

(understandable)

but then this one schmuck posts in the group, just when u so happen to be looking for weekend plans

“looking for a model this saturday, autumn themed shoot at han river. the leaves are really pretty right now, i wanna catch them before too many fall”

han river was a pretty public place, so u DEFINITELY felt safer

and like, ur school is pretty close to there, so ur familiar with the area

u comment “i'm free all day, give me a time and i'll meet you there”

after it posted, you clicked on his profile and

fuck

he was not 36

and he was CUTE

u freaked the fuck out

this kid looked like he was ur age. and he was hot.

should u delete the comment?

why would u do that?

bc ur nervous?

why are u nervous?

bc the photographer is a hottie?

is that really a good excuse?

before u could debate with urself much longer, ur comment received a like and u got a private message

hyunjin: hi! u look great! meet at the main gates of yeouido park at 9am?

“u look great!”

“U LOOK GREAT!”

(jooe sunbaenim is quaking)

screech

you: so early! okay! what kinda look are u going for?

hyunjin: haha i wanna get that fall morning light!!! i’d like it to be pretty autumnal. warm colors, maybe a sweater/scarf/jacket combo? if u have something like that. minimal makeup & hair, if you're into that stuff. hopefully that's all okay (^ム^)

you: sounds good! see you saturday!

you spend the next few days at school literally just thinking about how ur meeting up with a cutie on saturday

u rlly dont know what to do with urself

i show ur friend a pic of him and she's like “HOOYKY FUXKJGN GODJ”

which was basically your initial reaction too

but then shes like “he looks familiar??? is he a model too???”

u have literally no idea but it's completely possible

like, it's a waste to have that face exclusively behind the camera

and suddenly the two of u are like. obsessively going through his instagram bc WHAT THE FUCK he’s like….. REALLY GOOD

like, he does a lot of portraits, but the focus isn't necessarily always the person in the photo

the composition and background are just as important in every shot and it…. shakes u

there’s a few pictures of him too, all of which are v aesthetic

but how could they not be??? have u seen his face????

he also tags literally every person in his pictures whether they’re models or just his friends while they’re hanging out

and he photocreds everyone who takes pics of him!!

you are literally…. fallin’ in love

because he was cute and had a good eye and wrote cute captions and was so humble!!!

ur friend is like “wow we stan a pro”

“he looks seriously familiar tho, right?”

she's like “yeah i'm confused why have i seen his face before”

and ur shook bc like… if u had seen this boy irl there's no way you would forget how cute he is

finally,,, it's the weekend

you get on the train and head to han river early in the morning, dressed up and made up for your ~autumn photoshoot~

as soon as you get to the gates ur like.. holy fuck

it's so pretty

the leaves are a mix of orange and red and green and there's a couple dusting the ground too

no wonder hyunjin wanted to shoot here

ur kinda aimlessly wandering around the gate when u suddenly spot

him

he’s wearing a bomber jacket and has a camera bag over his shoulder

and his neck is literally at a 90° angle while he's looking at his phone

ur like…. that cant be ok

u get a notif while ur walking up to him and its a message from him asking if u were on ur way

“actually, i can't make it”

he looks up and immediately laughs. “hi! y/n?”

u wave. “hi hyunjin!! nice to meet you!!”

y'all exchange pleasantries and he's suddenly like

“your outfit is literally perfect” he steps back to look at u. “exactly what i had in mind”

u put up a peace sign. he laughs again.

uh oh

u really like his laugh

and his smile

and his everything

uh oh

he leads you further into the park where there's less people and more trees

“i brought another jacket and a couple of scarves in case u wanted something different” u say as he's helping you take off ur backpack

“oooooo a professional”

“not even”

he asks you if he can take a boomerang of u for his instagram story and u do a lil twirl

he gasps

“that was cute!!!!”

he giggles while he's posting it

what is with this kid and his giggles

u cant

if he keeps doin it at this rate, it'll probably be the death of u

which is

cool

he puts your backpack on and pulls his camera out of his bag. “let's take some pics in this outfit and then i'll peek at the other options. i like this look a lot”

and then… he just starts taking pictures

u literally laugh

“where do you want me?”

“wherever,” he goes, checking the pics real fast. “i tend to go for candid shots”

suddenly,,, his entire instagram flashes in your brain

the pictures of people laughing and mid walk and reading books

u thought all the models were just. really comfy and professionals and shit

IT WAS ALL A LIE

“so uhhh…” u literally dont know what to do

u have Never done a shoot Like This

“just walk,” he said. “look around. i'll follow”

you: no fear

hyunjin: just walk

you: one fear

u nervously laugh again and he's hitting his shutter like A MILLION TIMES A SECOND

“okay…… i guess i'll walk then”

u push his shoulder while u walk past him bc he's cheesin at u way too hard for u to handle

“ow”

“that didn't hurt”

“it hurt my heart :(“

ur walking backwards and laughing and he's just. only looking at you through his camera.

so. u wander.

u take a lovely morning walk down the pretty paths at han river

u really were so scared that u would be completely directionless, but hyunjin ends up asking you to do specific things also

“go up on those rocks”

“i'm literally wearing slippery ass boots do you want me to die”

“do it for the shot, y/n”

sIGHHHHHH

so ur up on some rocks trying not to fall into a fucking river

and when hyunjin shows u the pics he takes….

okay

yeah

he was right

the entire time he was shooting, he would just strike up conversation to make you comfy

asking how long you've been pursuing modelling

if u wanna do it as a career or if its just a hobby

about ur family

about ur pets

(he asks a lot about pets)

ur sitting on a bench and he's crouched a few feet away to get those ~angles~ when he asks

“where do u go to school?”

“kyunggi”

hyunjin gasps. “no way! me too!”

you fuckin ALMOST DIE

because u fuckin brainblast and have a recovered memory of seeing hyunjin In Your School's Uniform in the lunchroom and suddenly IT ALL MAKES SENSE

you hop up from the bench and like. YELL.

“OKAY I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED REALLY FAMILIAR ARE YOU KIDDING”

he stands and literally screams and u are. so shocked. “i thought you looked really familiar too!!!! i figured i just had seen your pics on the facebook group!!!! i highkey stalked ur instagram bc i couldn't figure out where i knew you from!!”

okay, wig

he stalked you also which is….. great

“what year are you???”

“i'm a junior!”

you push him.

“boi what the fuck! me too!”

“no way!!!” he's laughing “that's crazy!”

he literally pulls out his phone and opens instagram

u have never seen a person use instagram stories as much as this bitch

like, he intermittently pulls out his phone to get shots for his story

u almost threw hands when u were sliding around on some stupid wet rocks bc he was like “JUMP AGAIN I NEED IT FOR A BOOMERANG”

he does this cute lil hair flip and adjusts his bangs before he starts recording and u…. kinda wanna cry

“I KNEW Y/N LOOKED FAMILIAR”

he spins so ur in the shot with him and puts his arm over your shoulders

“WE'RE LITERALLY IN THE SAME YEAR AT THE SAME SCHOOL”

u laugh out loud

he laughs with you and u have to cover ur mouth so an uwu doesn't fall out

u try not to focus on his literally perfect eye smile as he hunches over his phone to post to his story

like,,,

those crescents

are so cute

and he has this lingering grin every time he laughs

and like. wow. lips. amirite. ladies and gents.

“i cant believe u go to kyunggi,” u say. bc u cant.

“what are the odds. out of all the people in that group, we end up meeting up”

u almost made a joke about it being destiny but then u were like oo no thats creepy dont say that

then hyunjins gasps

and u look at him

and he just looks at you wide eyed

and fucking

whispers

“destiny”

you scream laugh

he's laughing too

but on a real level ur like why would that have been super creepy if u said it but it was cute as hell (and a little heart fluttery) when he did?

he goes on saying it's crazy that you had never had any classes together over the years

“or any clubs,” u said

“yeah!!! what clubs do you do??”

“photography! which is why i'm shocked!!!”

hyunjin gasps again

wtf is up with this boy and his gasps

“i was gonna do photography but they meet the same days as dance!”

BITCH

WHAT THE FUCK

“I DONT DO DANCE BC THEY MEET THE SAME DAYS AS PHOTOGRAPHY”

his entire jaw drops off his damn face

“YOU DANCE TOO?”

“I’M JUST AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE”

u literally can't believe

“we've been barely missing each other all this time when we could have been best friends :(“

oh ow

ouch hyunjin

that got u right in ur weak heart

like literally u might have a heart condition now bc he just hit u with the “we could have been best friends”

“sorry i already have a best friend”

DGDGSH WHY DID YOU SAY THAT

then he's laughing and ur like… oh fuck wheew

“well, sorry, i'm replacing them now. we have to catch up on lost time.”

and honestly………. he's right

number 1: y'all are both photography nerds

even tho you have begun to skew on the modelling side of it, u always loved taking pictures of scenery and u knew way too much about how cameras worked

and hyunjin really was like a pro

u had watched him adjust settings on his camera for white balance and exposure and everything

and judging by his instagram, he set himself up for some flawless editing too

number 2: y'all are both dance nerds

he tells u basically all his friends are in the dance club and have formed a lil dance crew bc of it

u say u used to take classes when u were younger but now u just go to the gym and hide in a practice room for a few hours every week

he does hip hop! which is so predictable but u still act all surprised

u tell him u used to do ballet but ur much more into urban dance these days

number 3: y'all both don't know how to stop laughing

like literally if either of you do anything remotely funny the other one is fucked for five minutes

ur pretty sure 90% of the pics hyunjin was taking were of you covering your face because ur literally GUFFAWING

and like, y'all ain't even that funny

but the more you laugh the less funny shit has to be for you to be crying

hyunjin told u to stop making him laugh bc his fingers were getting weak and he didnt wanna drop his camera

you, trying not to giggle: its ok u have a strap around ur neck u can drop it

hyunjin, tears flowing freely: PLEASE LET ME BREATHE

number 4: y'all both LOVE UR PETS

like idk man he tells u about kkami and u freak the fuck out because he's just SO EXCITED ABT HIS PUP

and hyunjin almost ditches u right then n there when u say ur more of a cat person BUT he forgives u because ur cat is literally named hot dog

this is highkey the most fun you've ever had on a shoot

like, you feel so comfortable with hyunjin

and every time you take breaks to peek at the pictures he's been taking

u like … literally stop breathing

he's so talented ;;

you eventually swap jackets and scarves and wander around more

and literal hours later hyunjin's like

“are u hungry”

u stare. “always”

he laughs. “do you wanna go to the convenience store and make ramen”

“i thought you'd never ask”

so y'all go to the conbini and pick out ya fave ramen packets

(and some chips and candy bc u have literally no self control)

hyunjin really tries to buy your food for you but you yell at him while ur checking out bc Boi. No.

the cashier: watched the two of you look at food and bump into each other constantly, touching each others arms and giggling the whole time

you: leave me the fuck alone hwang hyunjin or i'm calling the cops!!!

the cashier: ????????

u make ur ramen at the handy dandy hot water dispenser and carefully bring it back to a seating area in the park

“be careful it's hot!!!”

“hyunjin please, u act like i'm not a ramen pro”

“i just didnt want u to burn ur cute lil mouth, damn”

ur entire being goes WEE WOO WEE WOO

u literally almost choke on nothing and you just cough to try to play it off

hyunjin is having none of it

he's laughing his ass off

“wow that got you better than i expected”

“fuck off hwang”

he stands up to leave and u laugh and grab his sleeve

he's giggling before he even sits again

y'all eat ur ramen and chat more about school and hobbies

he tells u about this one time he almost got admitted into a cult

you: wow… pretty AND dumb

hyunjin, flustered: h-hey!

you tell him about how your cat is a rescue and his heart melts

there's a minute where you're staring at nothing in the distance eating chips

and hyunjin is just staring at you

his brain: hoe dont do it

his heart: doki doki

his brain: oh my god

“hey… are you still free all day?”

u look at him. “yeah, why?”

he opens a bag of gummies. “i'm supposed to meet up with some friends to go bowling in like an hour but i wanna keep hanging out. wanna come?”

you groan. “i'm so bad at bowling”

“we can be on a team,” he offers you a gummy bear and you take it. “i'll carry you.”

pls explain why an image of him holding you bridal style popped into ur head sgdhhf

“haha okay. as long as ur friends aren't lame.”

“they are, but i'll be there so it's fine”

“fair enough. i'm in.”

so y'all hop on a bus and head to the bowling alley that (apparently) hyunjin and his buddies frequent

(he's playing pickles with you in the back of the bus and you're giggling so hard that ur struggling to tell him to cut it the fuck out so you don't disturb the people sitting next to you)

((but also feeling his entire body press against you isn't the worst))

you've been to this bowling alley before

it's popular among younger folks because it's cheap lol

the two of you walk in and one of his friends immediately starts yelling

u freeze “dude i thought u said we were gonna be early”

he looked at his phone “we literally are”

this blonde kid is yelling hyunjin's name and ur wide eyed while u follow

“UR LATE”

“I'M NOT”

“IT'S 2:20”

“WE SAID 2:30!!!”

“TELL THAT TO LITERALLY EVERYONE WHO SHOWED UP AT TWO!!!!!”

hyunjin looks over to the group of his friends already bowling a game “oh”

u bust out laughing

hyunjin gets all flustered like “i-i thought it was 2:30!!!”

“who's ur friend, my perpetually late son”

“o-oh,,, this is y/n”

his friend sticks out his hand for you to shake. “hi, i'm chan. were you the model today?”

you grin “are you saying i look like a model?”

“OKAY!” hyunjin grabs your shoulders and you giggle when chan stutters without responding while hyunjin drags you to the counter to rent shoes and pay for a game

hyunjin is: flustered

he's all embarrassed because he was late and got yelled at by his fake dad

and then u went and,,,, u were so smooth with chan

he wondered if you had been flirting with him all morning because you actually liked him or,,, ur just a flirt

he grabbed your wallet out of your hand and shoved it in his pocket so that he could pay for your shoes and game for you.

“hyunjin!!!!!”

“you wouldn't let me buy you food and you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me if you argue i swear i'll throw you down a lane”

you pout but you let him pay

and ur heart,,, it goes off, dude

like,,,, maybe,,,,,,, u would let him throw you sgdgshsh

y'all walk over to the lane his friends are on, bowling shoes in hand

“y/n!”

your face lights tf up. “seungmin!!”

hyunjin looks between the two of you probably six times while you hug before finally going “w-what”

you and seungmin look at each other, then at hyunjin

hyunjin: you know each other

you and seungmin, in sync: photography club

hyunjin: alright, well,

he announces to everyone your name and you were his new best friend and that if any of them had a problem with it they could talk to his fist

you, softly, but with feeling: f-fuck

y'all change your shoes and watch as his friends finish up their game

while they play, hyunjin points each person out and tells you their name, helping you learn all these new people

since u guys were twenty (20) minutes late, they were already almost done with the first game

they were all pretty good.

well. most of them were.

the guy hyunjin pointed out as jisung kept getting gutter, but he was having fun

everyone else kept getting strikes or spares and u were like oh god

you keep telling hyunjin that ur really bad at bowling

hyunjin: i'll teach you. it'll be like ghost.

you, softly, but with more feeling: f-fUck

you, realization washing over you: wait how would you even-

hyunjin: *giggles*

hyunjin's giggles.

send tweet.

the entire time you were entirely too conscious of how close he was to you

you could feel the burning on your shoulder, thigh, knee - all the contact points where his body bumped into yours

your knee bobbed involuntarily while you watched the game end, nervously anticipating your turn to hit the gutter

and suddenly, hyunjin's hand was gently placed on your knee

it stopped bobbing

you looked at his hand, then at him

he smiled, but kept looking forward

“relax. even if you're bad, i'll hype you up.”

it was barely above a whisper so you wondered for a sec if he was even talking to you

hhhhHHHHH THIS BOY

yall start bowling.

he was. not all talk.

like who the fuck is good at bowling

hyunjin, apparently

he fuckin. chucked that ball down the lane

it made a smooth curve and took out. every. pin.

you stared at the empty lane in disbelief as hyunjin got a couple high fives from his friends making his way towards you

"not bad, right?"

"bro what the fuck"

he laughed and held out a hand to help you up "we bowl a lot"

you didnt even process fully that he was pulling you out of your seat because it was your turn.

ur hands: sweaty

ur arms: spaghetti

ur vomit: on ur sweater already

not actually

u picked up the ball hyunjin had helped you pick and looked at him like a deer in headlights

"bro i havent bowled since i was six"

he giggled. "you can do this"

he walked with u and showed you his starting stance, gently adjusting the way your wrists twisted and patting your hip

u. tried to not blush. no word on how well you did.

he guided you through your walk up and when u let go of the ball..

…

……

YOU DIDNT HIT GUTTER

you SCREAMED

"BRO I HIT A PIN!!!!!!!!!!!!"

hyunjin gave you a Sick High Ten, laughing "now you gotta hit the other nine!"

you froze

fuck

the others were starting to calm down from the excitement of your first half-frame, anticipating your second hit

you watched your ball return from the lane n went over to grab it

hyunjin looked at you Once and was likr….. is that caspar the ghost

the color had DRAINED from you

u…. u hit a pin…… thats like the best u've ever done

n now you gotta TOP THAT?

"its like dancing," he said suddenly. u looked at him, desperate to hear advice in terms u understood. "even if you can go through the motions, it doesnt necessarily make you good. you have to trust your body to remember the motions, give it a little finesse, and that's when you start to get Really good."

you blinked at him

"was that supposed to be helpful"

"can you Shut the Fuck Up and Bowl"

you took a deep breath, adjusting your stance as hyunjin reminded you of the steps you needed to take

another breath

steps

swing

let go…..

roollllingngg…………

*HIGH PITCHED WAILING*

"I HIT FOUR PINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

hyunjin scoops u up in a hug, spinning you around

ur too busy SCREAMING to register whats happening until he puts you down

u stare at him a second

he stares at you

"GOOD JOB Y/N!!!!!"

you turn to seungmin, who also scoops you into a hug, the rest of the boys crowding around you

you didnt even have a chance to be embarrassed about the weird eye contact you n hyunjin made

or about how. everyone in the bowling alley was staring at you guys.

because like…… suddenly

you just made a bunch of new friends

and one of them

helped you hit a pin for the first time.

and maybe….

he was still holding your hand

and maybe that felt really nice.

#hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #stray kids #skz #stray kids scenario #stray kids imagine #stray kids fluff #hwang hyunjin scenario #hwang hyunjin imagine

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just-call-me-johnny-archive · 4 years

Text

TW: Suicidal ideation, past suicide attempt mentioned, abusive language, stalking, paranoia, dreamlike body horror, panic attack. Reader discretion is advised.

He's there again. It's night time; they are both out drinking on the balcony. Crickets chirp and turn into a background white noise. His hair is short and blue and whips with the Summer wind. His eyes are still sharp and just barely shadowed as they look over the dewy streets of a sleeping city.

He hears the other man take another sip of his drink and then take a drag of a cigarette. Johnny is surprised when it doesn't burn the inside of his nostrils like before.

Despite knowing he had been drinking at some point before this time, Johnny just keeps the bottle in between his legs. Some sort of cherry wine cooler. Fruity pansy mocktail shit, as Edgar so endearingly referred to them as.

And it's this thought alone that reminds Johnny that he is dreaming, because in his memories- Edgar is never sarcastic or mean. He was funny and a little rude but in a cute way to Nny.

But to Johnny, he feels a living resentment that he can't show.

"You know you'll never be good enough for them, right?" He exhales, talking as smoke billows out and he's just blowing off steam on Johnny. His brain is because Edgar is not actually here and there's no way in Hell that Johnny spontaneously decided to pay the apartment a visit.

Nny or Johnny or whoever he is here, looks over to Edgar and says 'what?' Confused and yet knowing and frightened that he does but dreams are just metaphors and he can't control anything here as usual. Just watch and play pretend and act and wait to awaken safe and far away.

"Don't act stupid," the man says rolling his eyes harshly and flicking his finger and cigarette towards Johnny. "You know what I'm talking about. You don't think I can't see what you actually dream about? How much you just ache to be that man's little bug. Well I'll tell you now Swallowtail, you're no match for the Joneses over there."

"I mean, really? You couldn't have picked a worse couple to crush on, Nny. They are not even in the same sport as you, let alone league. Allow me to put it in perspective."

Vargas puts the cigarette at the corner of his lips and raises his hands a large amount of space apart.

"You're… discount putt putt in a two-star shopping center. And they are a Super Bowl played and broadcasted on the Moon."

He laughs and inhales while Johnny's mouth is set in a firm line. Unable to say anything. Unsure what to say because he's right. He is always right and even in a fucking dream he won't let this aware version of the bastard see him cry ever again.

"Look at you, can't even fucking laugh. I bet Leera can laugh. Bet she has the cutest little laugh that makes your precious Counselor's heart flutter. I also bet you can never do that for him."

Johnny blinks, looking away, face hot and eyes burning. He will scoop them out he swears he will because there's no consequences here. He can dig that lump in his throat out too and toss it like a little rubber bouncey ball you can get in those coin slots dispensers.

"Oh wait. No, I lied. You do, but more in a heart attack kind of way. Tell you what, Swallowtail, you sure know how to whore for attention. If you honestly believe that anything they're doing for you is for any other reason than you're a basket case sob story and slash or your sister and her whole goddamn family are royalty and slash or highly powerful people who have Dr. Jack Daniel's by his dick- then you're screwing yourself, my dear."

Johnny sets a frown and speaks, finding it easier to do than he thought it would be.

"I do know that." You don't have to keep fucking telling me how worthless I am and how much I'll never fit in with anything or how everyone who loves me does it out of pity or that I'm just kidding myself that anyone actually cares. I know that i fucking know that i cant ever forget you never let me forget.

His throat burns like the words stuffed down his throat.

"Good boy," Edgar says, grinning at the glassy eyed look that Johnny has trained on the drink in his grasp, wiping the condensation away with a shaky finger.

"I am sorry though, Swallowtail. It must be hard knowing that the only worth you have is as slavery towards your homicidal duties. You'll spend the rest of eternity irredeemably worthless with no reprieve of going mad to save you. Every day you'll be stuck with no one but yourself and whoever you may have… recruited in your delusion will be dead. Because see- immortality is a gift that just keeps giving. You'll live long enough to see all of the people who claim to love you in this life, grow old and die away or be gruesomely murdered and take that fragile bordered love with them."

"So, if I were you- and honestly, no offense, I am very glad I am not- I would just focus on the fleeting moments you have now and stop filling your little head with fantasies of being Jack's boytoy, because darling- may I remind you- any love that you think you feel or care or whatever- is temporary. When they die- it dies. So essentially, my dearest Swallowtail, you'll eventually kill that too."

Edgar takes another drag and then lets the cigarette fall to the concrete, crushing it with the toes of his dress shoes. "Which- as a recap- is all you're ever going to do."

He reaches over and pats Johnny's cheek and the man flinches, making a few of the tears he had been holding back fall down his cheeks.

Vargas then gets up and goes towards the balcony door and Johnny's body spasms a little and he finds himself surrounded by pitch black, and the familiar sounds of the room allow him to quiet his whimpered gasps down.

His breath levels out as he lets the tears fall as the dream fades away slowly. He still remembers a chunk of it. Enough to bring him back to the practice of making sure his cries are silent and quick and draining because he wants to be heard and held and told they're all lies of an exhausted, overclocked brain, but he knows that it's all true and he shouldn't make a noise because why is he even crying for? That his brain is trying to tell him he has been right all along and he just has to take it and live with it because it's fucking life and he better get used to it.

He keeps asking himself why he's crying and what good it'll do and not to wake anyone with his noise and he eventually is able to calm down enough to breathe again.

He feels gross, warm, with his face wet and his throat feeling clogged and his eyes burning. Nobody wants to see that. Wants to see him sniveling and whining about a silly dream when there's so many actual problems to worry about. Like an unborn child and a company and a kingdom and a galaxy of people. So many more important things.

And it's in that moment where Johnny starts wondering where the surgical scalpels are because he needs to do it for real this time. No fucking up and being found and failing at killing everything but himself. Kill the disease; kill the host. Kill the thoughts kill the noise kill the sadness kill the shame kill the memories kill the desires and and needs.

Kill the images in his head of being found like this and held and shushed and told everything would be okay because it's never okay and all he has are these stupid fucking fantasies that will never happen and that aren't his to have anymore anyways. And that are useless pictures of window shopping. Of things he can't afford and will never be worthy of.

And he physically has to hold on to the blanket to stop himself from getting up right now, walking down that hall, and just throwing himself out into the vastness of space.

It hasn't been this bad in a while and he thinks about Dr. Ruxill's voice talking about therapy. And he wonders how that would go for him talking about things he can barely handle himself. About memories he only just started recovering over the past two years. And then he thinks of losing his last breath to the stars and how he won't have to talk ever again.

And he continues this over and over and over until the lights come back on and the nurse comes in and he can't be roused to give his arm for more medicine. He's curled in tight to himself and he's aware and awake but mute and non-compliant. And after a while of coaxing and no response or surrender they give up and call in reinforcements.

And then Counselor comes in with his soft voice and common sense and rationality and Johnny can't handle any of that especially and so he pulls the blankets over his head and doesn't leave that position until he senses the lights are turned off and his room is vacant and the staff are being briefed not to enter his room unless it's an emergency.

Breakfast is brought in without a word and then lunch and when dinner rolls around Johnny's everything hurts so bad that he has to at least eat a small piece of bread to shut up the annoying gnawing in his gut.

After a while, Johnny hears the violin come in through the vents. And it sounds like how he feels and despite all the numbness and walls and impassivity he has put up today he crumbles there in the bed, sobbing openly into the blazer he has under his sheets. He whispers things to it and himself that he would never say in out loud. Tells it his dirty little secrets and fears and just like the owner it listens without judgment. The violin in the air covers it all protectively, keeping Johnny's words between himself and the blazer he's wrinkling in his shaky, desperate grasp.

I want i want i want… he tells the jacket's silky interior. Spills it all and lets the words sink in like the saliva on his lips leaving a dark patch on the material he has pressed against them.

He seals the confession with a kiss, feeling childish and pathetic, but Johnny presses his face and forehead into the cool silk and it tells him he's not.

Johnny lays on his side again, hugging the thick blazer close to his chest. He curls into it, seeking and finding warmth as he begins to drift halfway through a sound change. The tone becomes timid, questioning, and curious now. Nothing like the confident, heavy, slow, and morose chords from before.

An experiment. In music and in coping with the inevitable.

Johnny's sleep is dreamless this time, and he holds the blazer the whole night through rather than wearing it.

#tw suicide #tw suicide ideation #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide attempt #tw stalking #tw paranoia #TW panic attack #tw abuse #tw body horror

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huphilpuffs · 5 years

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flares

chapter: 30/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 4760 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: As always, immense thanks to @obsessivelymoody for beta’ing!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

It’s too early when Phil gets out of bed to get ready for work.

His arm slips from around Dan’s waist. He presses a quick kiss to Dan’s shoulder before crawling out from behind him. The alarm clock on the bedside table tells Dan it’s just past seven in bright red lines that make his eyes burn.

He’s been staring at them since they said 5:27.

He’d woken up to a sharp breath that made his chest ache, tears in his eyes and sticky on his cheeks. His feet were numb and his hands all prickly with sleep and he’d stared into the black of Phil’s bedroom for long minutes waiting for his body to recover from whatever it was that woke him up. It had taken him until two to fall asleep last night.

Dan didn’t fall asleep again.

His legs ache now that they’re not sleepy. His arm hurts from having his weight on it for so long. Without Phil’s body holding him up, Dan rolls onto his side. It makes the muscles in his chest spasm, has him choking on nothing and groaning into the silence.

Phil comes over to the edge of the bed, reaching out to brush his fingers across Dan’s forehead.

“You okay?” he whispers.

Dan’s eyes get teary again. He blames the too-tight feeling wrapped around his heart, the thoughts that have been circling the back of his mind for the last two hours. His body hurts from not having slept and his brain keeps telling him that his mum was right, it is all his brain’s fault, that’s what Dr. Kissel will tell him today.

He reaches up, snags Phil’s hand to hold on tight, and hums something that isn’t quite affirmative.

It’s the best he can muster this morning.

A frown draws at Phil’s mouth. He leans down, pressing a quick kiss to Dan’s forehead. And then a second one, like he doesn’t really want to pull away.

Dan doesn’t want him to. If this broken feeling wasn’t so perpetual, he might ask Phil to call in sick and stay home with him, keep him company when the drone of TV programs isn’t enough to keep him out of his own head. But Phil’s done a lot. Dan’s needed a lot.

He hopes that’ll diminish today.

Hope’s never been his strong suit before doctor’s appointments.

He tugs on Phil’s hand until he leans down, fringe tickling Dan’s brow, and kisses him, soft and gentle and slow.

And then he lets Phil go.

---

Dan: i hate weekdays

Phil doesn’t respond. Not that he should. Dan knows he probably has to do extra since he’s leaving early to come to Dan’s appointment. That doesn’t keep him from flicking his phone on and off over and over again for too many minutes after he sends the message.

It’s been a long morning. The clock on his phone tells him it’s only half eleven and Dan almost wants to cry.

There’s four and a half hours until his appointment. He’s been staring into space for so long his brain is starting to go numb and yet there’s too much going on inside his mind to focus on anything else.

He’d considered sitting down, rambling into the void, also known as his laptop webcam, again. It helped last time. But it feels almost silly, when he’s by himself, without Phil to recommend he do it. That, and the idea of setting any of it up sounds like way too much effort today.

He double taps the screen, copies the message and sends the exact same thing to Taylor.

His phone vibrates when she responds. It stings the skin of his palm, feels like it rattles the bones in his wrists. He doesn’t much care.

Taylor: why?

Dan: phil’s not home

Dan: and my appts this afternoon and i cant stop thinking about it

He swallows, looking back up to stare at the TV. He’s definitely seen this episode of Doctor Who before, probably on another day like today, watching the endless marathons of the same few shows for hours on end when his body doesn’t really let him do much else.

His brain can’t process it today. It’s too busy replaying every appointment he’s ever had in the most painful sort of slow motion.

Taylor: :(

Taylor: i know that feeling

Dan: yea well it sucks

He rests his phone on his leg, where the pressure makes a dull ache bloom like a new bruise. His thumb hovers over the home button until the three little dots of Taylor’s typing pop onto the screen. He watches, because it’s better than staring at white walls and waiting for minutes to tick by.

Taylor: want some company?

Taylor: I know i’m not phil but I also don’t have a job

Dan: pls

---

He has to stand up to let her into the flat.

His steps are slow. The blanket he has wrapped around his shoulders flutters over his skin and leaves phantom burns in its wake. His hand almost feels too weak to turn the doorknob when he gets there. There’s a stabbing pain in his wrist that makes it feel like it might shatter as it twists.

Taylor’s smiling on the other side. It falters, just slightly, when she sees him.

“I’d hug you hello, but you look like you’re dying,” she says.

Dan manages half, or maybe a quarter of a smile. “Feel like it too.”

He leads her back to the sofa, still limping. Walking past the breakfast bar reminds him he hasn’t had anything to eat today, and barely a few sips of water to drink. The thought makes his stomach churn, something burning at the back of his throat. He won’t eat until after the appointment.

Maybe later, if it goes poorly.

Probably later.

Taylor tucks herself against the armrest as Dan sits down, knees drawn up to her chest, face pressed against one. Being sat with her, like this, reminds him of being back in uni. Except she looks better. There’s less darkness under her eyes and less oil in her hair, and Dan wishes he could relate.

His whole body feels heavy. Worse than it did even then.

“That bad, huh?” says Taylor.

“Can’t sleep,” says Dan. “I don’t know what to expect.”

“So you’re expecting the worst?”

He can’t be bothered to nod. The corner of Taylor’s mouth quirks up knowingly, and she reaches out to rest a hand right by Dan’s knee, without touching.

“We should talk about something else,” she says. “Something happy. Keep your mind off it for a while.”

“Like what?”

She shrugs. “Just tell me something good that happened? My therapist makes me do it sometimes.”

“Oh,” says Dan. He stares down at the table, where his phone’s resting, screen down, and his laptop’s closed. His hand curls tight around his blanket.

When he looks back up at Taylor, her brow’s furrowed, smile fallen into a straight line. “You look like you’re thinking about something,” she says.

“I am,” Dan mumbles. He swallows, thumb sweeping across the fleece of his blanket until his fingertip’s gone tingly. “Phil kissed me.”

Taylor’s jaw drops. Her eyes go happy. She reaches over, actually touches Dan this time, just enough to grab his hand and squeeze it once in glee. “Oh my god. That’s, like, the best kind of happy,” she says. “It is happy, right?”

Dan wants to point out that he wouldn’t have mentioned it if it wasn’t, but the smile on her face finally has his anxiety unfurling just enough for him to breathe a little easier. Maybe Taylor’s therapist actually has some useful ideas.

He forces himself not to follow that thought to the next, the ones saying maybe all he needs is therapy over and over again in his mum’s voice in the back of his head.

“Yeah, it’s happy,” he says. “You know that.”

“And you’re not having some sexuality crisis you need me to talk you through?” she says, half laughing now. “I’ve been there. I can try to help.”

Dan actually manages half a chuckle, like he did when she first told him she liked girls, halfway through a complaint about how everyone at uni somehow had a love life except them. “Reckon I got over that when he started kissing my head all the time,” he says. “Thanks for the offer though.”

She nods, still holding his hand, staring at the side of his face with a smile. “So this is just happy, right? No inner turmoil about what it means or anything?”

It’s been so long since Dan’s had anything be that simple that his brain doesn’t quite grasp the concept. He almost tells her no, just because it makes more sense, because his brain is really good at finding problems where there’s probably non right now.

It doesn’t feel like he can be just happy now.

But then he thinks about the soft goodnight kiss Phil brushed against his lips before they went to bed to bed last night, and an actual smile cracks past the fear.

“Yeah,” he tells her. “That’s just happy.”

---

They talk about Phil for a while.

It’s easy, with Taylor, to just ramble about sleepy cuddles and soft kisses and the way it all makes him feel good for the first time in ages. It reminds Dan of being twelve again, before everything went wrong and his body broke and any chance at normalcy crumbled before his very eyes.

Maybe there is room for a sexuality crisis, if he thinks too hard about the crushes he might have had if he’d been healthy.

Dan doesn’t think about it. He lets his head fall back against the sofa and feels his thoughts lapse into everything that came after age twelve. His story about their kiss ended a bit ago, faded into discussions about where he wants things to go from here, and then into silence.

There’s a lot of things Dan wants now. Most of them have nothing to do with kissing Phil.

“Hey,” says Taylor. He’s not sure how long they’ve just been sitting here, but her smile has fallen into a frown. “You okay?”

He shrugs. Vaguely, he processes that people are still talking on the TV, that Taylor’s hand has fallen to rest on his knee. “Just thinking.”

“Not about happy things?”

His chest burns when he chuckles. The rush of giddy conversation has faded, left Dan’s body more exhausted now than it was before. He almost wants to nap, except he knows his brain wouldn’t let him. Days like today are just days where he’s meant to be sore and tired and feel all of it acutely.

“No,” he says. “Not about happy things.”

Taylor squeezes his knee. It hurts. It’s comforting anyway.

“Do you want me to try and distract you with more happy things?”

“Don’t think you can,” he admits. “I think I’ve used up all my happy energy for today.”

His head falls back again, gaze drifting up to the ceiling. His vision goes blurry. It’s not from tears. Dan’s pretty sure his eyes are just tired, too. It takes too much energy to force them to focus again.

He takes a breath. It hurts his throat, his head being bent back like this, and tugs at the tendons in his neck.

“I don’t think it’s going to be a happy day,” he whispers, voice cracking “I’m–”

Scared. He doesn’t say it.

“I know,” says Taylor.

They sit there, listening to the same drawl that Dan usually does. His eyes have fallen closed. He can hear his own breathing, loud compared to Taylor’s, but he doesn’t much care to worry about it. Taylor’s never been bothered by the little ways Dan’s body is different.

She just leans forward, snagging the remote from where it was sitting on the coffee table, and says, “Let’s put on a better film, at least.”

If Dan had the energy, he’d smile.

---

Phil gets home from work earlier than Dan expected.

“I worked my lunch,” he explains. “And my boss deemed me completely useless today. Apparently I was distracted.”

He’s sitting on the armrest, leaning over Dan. Whatever lighthearted smile he’s attempting lasts about half a second before it falls. His hand lands on Dan’s head, drawing his curls back. Taylor’s still sitting next to them, but Phil hardly hesitates before leaning down to press a kiss to the corner of Dan’s brow.

“Wonder why,” says Taylor. It’s a whisper, like she’s trying not to interrupt. “I should get going, though. I’m sure you guys have to get ready or some shit.”

Dan almost asks her to stay, just so he has an excuse to pretend that three thirty isn’t slowly sneaking up on him.

“Thanks for coming over,” says Phil.

“Yeah, of course.”

Dan can hear her smile, can see Phil’s. It makes his chest go warm.

Taylor looks down at him before she leaves. “Good luck,” she says. “Text me when you’re ready to talk about whatever the doctor has to say.”

“I will,” says Dan. He hopes his smile is enough to tell her how much he appreciates the space she permits him.

Phil escorts her to the door. They hug before she leaves. Dan hears the murmur of her voice, too far for him to pick up on any words. He listens to the door open, then close, and then Phil returns by himself, dropping into the seat Taylor was just occupying.

Dan should probably feel bad for how relieved he is that Phil’s here now, but he doesn’t, not really.

His head falls back against the cushions, too, turned so he’s looking at Dan. He looks exhausted, eyes puffy and face all drawn.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Shit,” says Dan. “You?”

“Scared,” Phil whispers.

Dan nods, awkward and crooked with his head still tilted back. He reaches into the space between them, taking Phil’s hand in his. Their fingers interlock, and the pressure against his knuckles is not very comfortable, but it makes the corner of Phil’s mouth quirk up.

“Yeah,” says Dan. “Me too.”

---

They get to the doctor’s office early.

Sitting at home, waiting for the minutes to tick by, had become unbearable. Dan forgot that waiting rooms are always exponentially worse. Phil’s arm isn’t wrapped around him here. They don’t hold hands. Their feet are pressed together between their seats. It’s not enough.

Across from them, a mum is rocking her baby as he fusses. And older man is reading one of the magazines left out for them. Phil had tried to pick one up, and had put it down about thirty seconds later. The secretary who booked this appointment is talking on the phone. The other is checking someone in.

There’s a poster about heart failure on the wall.

Dan stares at it until his chest starts to hurt and the anxiety makes his eyes water.

Phil grabs his hand, holds on tight.

“Your heart's fine,” he says. “You’ve had that tested before, right?”

“Yeah.” Dan lets out a breath. “Yeah. It was fine.”

“Okay,” says Phil. “Okay. That’s good.”

His grip on Dan’s hand loosens, his breath coming easier.

Dan’s stays locked painfully between his ribs until a nurse steps out from the hallway and calls his name.

---

She checks his height, even though he hasn’t grown in over a year. And then his weight, as though it’s fluctuated much since his last growth spurt, since he lost his appetite and ability to exercise all at once.

“Looks good,” she says, like she thinks that’s what Dan cares about.

She leads him into a little room and asks him questions, the familiar kind with automatic answers. No, he’s not diabetic. No, he doesn’t smoke. No, he hasn’t had caffeine in the last couple hours, because just the thought of putting something on his stomach makes him want to be sick.

He doesn’t say that last bit.

She wraps the blood pressure cuff around his arm. Dan squeezes his eyes shut against the pain when it tightens. He should be used to it. Part of him doesn’t think he’ll ever be.

His pulse is high, his blood pressure low. The nurse points it out.

“It’s always like that,” he explains.

She looks back at him, brows furrowed, skeptical. Dan hates it. He manages a shrug and a smile, an unspoken apology for something stupidly out of his control like his heart not beating quite right.

He tries not to think about chronic obstructive heart failure.

The nurse jots something down on her triage paper and leads him into an exam room to sit and wait some more. Phil grabs his hand again the moment she closes the door behind her.

---

Dr. Kissel is smiling when she walks in. Dan’s not sure if that’s supposed to be comforting or not.

“How are you doing today?” she asks as she sits down, turning to log into the computer.

“Uh,” says Dan. “As okay as to be expected?”

She hums, turning back to him in her spinny office chair. The collar of her lab coat is popped awkwardly at one side. There’s a pen hanging from its pocket, a stethoscope draped across her shoulders. Her smile hardly falters as she says, “So, not very well at all, I assume?”

It’s so not what Dan expected that he chuckles. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“I take it you want to get straight to your test results, then?” says Dr. Kissel.

He swallows hard. If the nurse thought his pulse was high before, he’d half laugh at what she’d have to say now. “Please.”

Dr. Kissel turns back to her computer at that. He watches her click through what he vaguely recognizes as his chart. Just above the notes from his last appointment are the last things his old doctor ever wrote about him, at the appointment where he counted Dan’s tests one by one and told him that if they were all fine there was nothing he could do unless Dan was willing to accept he was imagining it all.

Dan doesn’t read them, doesn’t want to. He never wants to be exposed to those words again.

He watches Dr. Kissel click on a link of some kind, and a monochrome image fills her computer screen. It takes him a second to realize he’s staring at his own brain, at the results from his MRI, autoplaying on a loop through his entire head over and over again.

Something in his chest spasms. Phil squeezes his hand. He never let it go.

“Okay, so first we have your MRI, which are the results I was most concerned about,” says Dr. Kissel. She turns back towards him, grabbing her pen to use it as a pointer. “If there was any signs of deterioration or abnormal structures like a tumour or aneurysm, we’d see it here.”

Dan stares. He can’t really see anything in his brain. He doesn’t know what a sign of deterioration looks like. He almost doesn’t want to ask.

He doesn’t have to, because Phil says, “And?”

“And I see no signs of any abnormalities with your brain,” says Dr. Kissel. “Your brain appears healthy, Dan.”

“Oh,” he says.

His eyes are burning now. He hates the fact that it’s not from relief, that he doesn’t really know what’s welling in his chest, putting pressure in his skull, but it doesn’t feel good when he knows it should.

“What about the, uh, bloodwork?”

She doesn’t open those results, just leaves the screen playing a morbid cycle of his perfectly healthy brain.

Dr. Kissel smiles, and says, “Those results also came back normal.”

Dan just about breaks down right there in the middle of her office. A tear falls down his cheek. His leg starts shaking. Phil has to reach out and rest a hand on his back just to keep him from giving up on keeping his breathing even at all.

Dr. Kissel reaches out, rests her hand on the armrest, close to Dan’s elbow.

“That doesn’t mean anything, you know,” she says. Her voice has gone soft. Dan’s never had a doctor, not even a therapist, speak to him like that. “I reviewed your medical history and I’m aware of the conclusions drawn by your past physician. That’s not where I’m going with this.”

“It’s not?” says Dan. It sounds choked. He feels like a kid.

Except when he was a kid he didn’t have to deal with any of this.

“It’s not,” says Dr. Kissel. “Rather, I suspect you might have a condition that doesn’t show up on any of our current tests, at least not to our knowledge. Ruling out other conditions is the first step to diagnosing it.”

Phil’s hand starts rubbing circles against his spine at that. If Dan looked over, he’s pretty sure Phil would be smiling.

But he doesn’t. He can’t look away from Dr. Kissel, not now. “What’s the next step?” he whispers.

“Well, there’s two. The diagnostic criteria is in the process of evolving, so I’d like to perform both,” she says. “One of them might be painful.”

“Can we do that one first?”

It’s probably the wrong order to want. Dan doesn’t care. Part of him wants the pain to remind him that she’s actually looking for something physical. For once. For the first fucking time in seven years.

Dr. Kissel smiles like she knows that and nods her head just once. “I’ll need you to stand up for this,” she says. “I’m going to press against specific spots on your body, and you need to tell me if it hurts, okay?”

He nods. His heart’s still racing when he stands. His legs feel weak with something other than exhaustion.

Something almost thrilling, like anticipation.

Dr. Kissel starts by pressing her thumb against the base of his skull, right where his head meets his neck. Dan almost screams at the burst of pain it causes.

It turns into a laugh, delirious and bubbly and out of control. When he turns, Phil’s smiling at him. Dr. Kissel is staring at him expectantly.

“Yeah, that hurts,” he says, so she does the same thing to the other side of his head.

He laughs again, because it hurts and it feels like that’s what it’s supposed to do for whatever mystery illness Dr. Kissel’s testing him for. Phil laughs with him. He’s probably confused, but he doesn’t seem to care. Dr. Kissel moves onto the next spot, right where Dan’s neck meets his shoulder, and mumbles a quiet three under her breath when he squirms away from her touch.

In the end, he gets sixteen out of eighteen spots. Dr. Kissel tells him the minimum for a diagnosis is eleven.

Dan probably shouldn’t be proud of that.

He settles back into his seat. The pressure of it hurts. Pain has bloomed all across his body and Dr. Kissel offered an apology that it would probably take a little while to fade and Dan doesn’t care. His leg bounces even though there was a spot in his hip that almost made it give out completely.

His knee stings from when she pressed there. Dan rests his hand there anyway.

“What’s next?” he asks. He probably sounds insane.

Dr. Kissel just reaches over and draws a packet of papers from her folders. She sets it down on the desk by him. The front page has a picture of a gender-non-specific person with arms spread and eyes closed. The top of it has a header that reads Fibromyalgia Diagnostic Criteria.

Dan has no idea what that means.

“You just need to fill out this assessment,” says Dr. Kissel. And then, “I told you this one would be less painful.”

Phil chuckles. Dan does, too. He grabs the pen she offers him and starts reading.

The first question asks him to check off every area of the body where he’s had pain in the last week. Dan reads the list once, twice, three times before looking up at Dr. Kissel.

“Is it stupid of me to check off all of them?”

“Not if it’s the truth,” she says. “That’s a very common response for people with this condition.”

“Oh,” says Dan. Something twists in his stomach at being included in that. “Okay.”

So he checks off all of them, his shoulders and arms and upper and lower back, and jaw and neck and chest and legs and buttocks. The only thing that goes unchecked in the last option that reads None of the above . Dan’s brain can’t even wrap around that idea.

The second question is called the Symptom Severity Score. It asks Dan to rate some symptoms on a scale of zero to three. It feels like a failure when he needs to check the box next to 1: slight or mild problems when it comes to cognitive symptoms.

Dan’s pretty sure that part of his brain is the only part of him that still works properly. Most of the time.

The last question is just a list of symptoms that tells him to check off all the ones he’s had in the last week. He has to ask what some are. Some are things he has but never really thought were related. His gaze lingers on the word seizures for the first time, printed on a list that includes rashes and dry eyes.

It’s the first thing that’s really scared him. That box stays unchecked. He wonders how much it matters.

When he hands the test back to Dr. Kissel, she’s already nodding like she knows the answer it’ll contain. Dan’s pretty sure he does, too.

She writes a giant 28 in blue pen at the bottom of the page, and looks up at him with a sad sort of smile.

“Okay, this confirms my suspicions,” she says. “Your symptoms appear to be caused by Fibromyalgia.”

Dan swallows, bobs his head. “Okay. Okay,” he says. “Uh, what does that mean?”

---

His legs feel different when he walks outside. Maybe because they still ache from the pressure point test she did, or because there’s a residual tingling from how much he was shaking during the appointment. Except the rest of Dan’s body feels different too.

The sunlight burns his tired eyes. Holding his head up takes too much energy. They stand on the curb waiting for their cab to show up and Dan’s chest aches and yet feels lighter than it has in days.

Weeks. Years, probably.

Dr. Kissel explained to him what it was, with a bunch of fancy medical terms he’ll need to google later. Something called central sensitization means his brain is fucked up and doesn’t know how to process shit and makes everything hurt and it fits so very well with how his body seems to experience the word that Dan doesn’t care that he doesn’t understand.

He doesn’t know much right now. She recommended lifestyle changes as a first step and he has no idea what that’s going to entail. He doesn’t know what meds he might end up on, or how much better he’ll get. Dr. Kissel told him this was usually a life-long condition.

Dan feels like that should be terrifying. Except he’s grown to expect that whatever it was wouldn’t be an easy fix.

He’s not dying, though. She told him that a few times, like reassurance among all the supposed-to-be-bad news.

His weak legs sway under him after standing for too long. Phil reaches out to wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him close so Dan can lean against the steadiness of his frame. He doesn’t seem scared anymore. Maybe he will be again, once everything’s had time to sink in.

Phil leans in close, pressing his nose to the side of Dan’s head. “How are you feeling?”

Maybe Dan will be scared again, too. But he’s really not right now.

“Can I say something crazy?” he asks.

“Go ahead.”

He pulls back, just enough to catch Phil’s gaze with his own, and says, “I think this is one of the best days of my life.”

Phil doesn’t look at him like he’s crazy. He smiles, and leans forward to press a kiss to Dan’s forehead, and holds him even tighter when his legs start to feel weak again.

The cab that pulls up looks just like the one that drove them here. Dan climbs into the back seat next to Phil, letting his head fall against the headrest, and feels himself smiling.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #dan and phil #flares #callie writes words

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