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jenflirts · 6 months

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mending my broken heart

pairing: tara carpenter x fem!reader

theme: angst :)

summary: maybe you're the one...

warning: profanities, grammar, no ghostface and cheating

a/n: based on my feelings :) | enjoy.

Falling for someone isn’t for weak people,

Nor being attached,

Nor loving someone.

These are the feelings that will make you mentally and physically weak, just because you would do everything just to have them, just to give them all your attention, love, and hell, even your soul, but why isn’t it for the weak? Well, only emotionally controlled people can survive these challenges. These are the obstacles that we face when we’re in love and this makes us vulnerable.

We’ve always thought that if a partner loves or falls for you it means they’ve accepted your flaws, insecurities, clinginess, stupidity, good days and bad ones, but sometimes don’t you think that they accepted that because they needed too? Out of pity? Or sometimes just to play you cause they’re just bored. I’ve always thought about falling in love and being vulnerable to a person, but then my overthinking mind stops me from doing so.

Yeah, taking from my perspective—a person that’s been played and got attached too many times just because they showed affection—I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t even count how many times that they scarred my heart and still gave them another chance. I did everything I could just not to fall for someone, but I just can’t stop myself ‘cause it feels like an addiction I cannot control. I keep thinking about the past relationships I had and even thought about the times that I let my heart heal and mend it by myself and yet, I keep longing for the wrong people and their fucked up affections.

And then there’s Tara, the girl that makes me feel special, the person that let me believe that love is worth waiting for, and love really does exist. Tara is the type of person that would really make you fall in love with her and not in the bad way, but because she’s the type of girl that you’ll feel comfortable to be around with, rides with your antics, will help you in any possible way, and makes you love your true self.

Tara and I have been dating for almost 2 years and the truth is I’ve fallen deeply in love with her, she already accepted my vulnerability and I accepted hers so there’s really no turning back. I’ve thought about these feelings thoroughly ‘cause I don’t want to hurt her nor she wants to hurt me, I’ve always wanted to feel vulnerable around someone I trust and love the most ‘cause I don’t want to let people see my true facade. Tara saw something in me that people don’t and she’s been helping me to cope up with that.

Everything has been great ever since I dated Tara.

December 09

It's our finals and both of us are stressed out since both of us picked a hard course and I actually want to do something special for her since it’s our anniversary so I’ve prepared dinner, movies and gifts just to surprise her. I went home earlier than she did so I could prepare the things I wanted to give and the words that I wanted to say; Thankfully, Sam and Mindy helped me to do everything.

“Minds? Do you think Tara would like it if I gave her a promise ring on our anniversary?” I asked the girl as we strolled through the jewelry shop. She stopped her tracks and looked at me surprised “A promise ring? Really? Doesn’t that curse relationships?” She asked as she glimpsed the rings.

A promise ring breaks relationships? Now what kind of fuck-mind would believe that. “And where did you get that information? Is it one of those crazies at the uni?” I joked.

“I’m just telling you that rings don't mean forever,” she said. That’s actually true, but I’m not gonna listen to her and Tara deserves a promise that I will love her forever so I picked out the ring and necklace for our anniversary tomorrow.

I helped Tara go inside our apartment and took the blindfold off. She engulfed me into a hug and kisses all over my face. "Tara, we need to eat" I said as I put her down on the floor.

Everything went smoothly and both ended with a promise to love and hold forever.

December 14

The day that feels eerie and gut wrenching, it feels so slow and bothering. "Minds, Tara hasn't texted me for the last few weeks and it's concerning me" I said as I tossed her my phone to check Tara and I's conversation.

"She also hasn't been going home" I added and groaned loudly.

"Yeah, I noticed that. You didn't confront her about this? But I always see her at the uni tho" She said.

Is Tara avoiding me? Did I do something wrong last week? Did she do something wrong? Did something happen that I didn't know? A lot of things suddenly hits me, I thought about everything that I've done last week ago, but nothing really came into my mind.

It's already past midnight and I'm still going on about Tara. I heard the door open and keys tossed on the counter. I went outside and checked if Tara's here or just Mindy wanted to crash by.

"Tara? Baby? Where were you?" I asked as I sat beside her on the living room coach.

"Sam's and did some thinking, so can we talk?" she said.

Why does it feel so suffocating? The way she looks at me feels so different; it feels empty and drained. I nodded and sat in front of her.

"For the last few weeks I've been isolating myself to you and it felt different after what I did. It's been perfect for the last 2 years and I loved every single moment that we've done, but I think we must part our ways and fix ourselves" She cried.

What? Just like that? After 2 fucking years? She's just going to throw it all away? I was too stunned to speak, my brain was spewing out words, but my mouth can't function properly. I felt my eyes stung and tears rolled down on my cheeks.

"So? That's it? Gonna throw away our 2 year relationship out the fucking window like its nothing? Damn Tara, I don't know what to say nor to react" I said as I wiped the tears that keep continuing running down on my cheeks.

She doesn't say anything, but her eyes tells me differently like she's guilty for not telling me the reason why.

"Tara, what's the sudden break-up? what's the reason? 'cause I know for a goddamn fact that it's not about self improvement shits. Tell me so that we could fix it" I assured her

She shook her head no and keeps sobbing uncontrollably. I went to her and wiped her tears; I held her hands, "Love? what happened? tell me so we could fix it" I said as I gently squeeze her hand.

She slowly stopped crying and let me wiped her mascara tear-stains. "It was at Wes's parties and you were studying for your final lesson at that time. Amber snuck me out and helped me unwind by bring me to Wes's parties then I got drunk and I couldn't control myself and so did Chad" she explained.

I couldn't believe it.

The love of my life, cheated.

The girl that I trusted the most, cheated.

I felt my whole world fell apart. It feels like my heart just shuttered into pieces, it feels like there's a new cut to it. I feel betrayed, angry and disappointed all at the same time.

I stood up and went back to my seat and comprehend what just Tara said. I can't do this right now, my mind is all over the place.

"babe? hey? I thought we were gonna fix these" she said

does she really think there's something to be fix? I gave her my everything and this is how she repays me. cheating on me with my other best friend? damn, that's another form of betrayal.

"tara, get out. I can't right now. I just want to be alone for a moment"

She doesn't understand what pain I'm going through right now.

After Tara closed the apartment door, I tried smashing everything so that I could somewhat calm down.

I sat on the living room floor and thought about the things that I have done on why Tara have to do this. Wasn't I enough? Am I that easy to replace? Is our relationship just out of pity? There's so much unanswered questions that I have on my mind, but right now I just want to be alone and mend my broken heart.

I thought she was the one that’s going to help me mend up the open cuts that people leave on my heart, but I would never predict that she was going to leave a big one.

(part 2 of my lovely, jenna is on-going)

#Spotify #tara carpenter x fem!reader #jenna ortega imagine #jenna marie ortega #jenna ortega #jenna ortega x reader #tara carpenter x female reader #tara carpenter x you #tara carpenter x reader #wlw #wednesday addams x reader #wednesday x reader #vada cavell #vada cavell x reader

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cookierunauprompts · 3 months

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Requested by @deirdredeity (I accidentally deleted the og ask because tumblr was being fussy) :

OMG?? 🤯🤯 whattttt omgggg fuck being an anon I’m the one who requested the flustered reader shi (mmm was an anon bcz I didn’t wanna embarrass myself but whatever) omg dayumm you went crazy with it and I’m more than satisfied 😍 you always EAT (get it? haha.. eat.. and shadow milk.. haha) I love it tysm ❤️❤️ glad that I didn’t accidentally break a rule hehe.. we love girlboss girlfailures in here 😘 didn’t expect it to be that spicy but nevertheless I am GLAD ty for this juicy piece also you said currently he’s sealed so continuation where bro is UNsealed? 🤯🫣 (jk don’t take me too seriously I have a mental age of 5 jokes aside thank you i really appreciate it, it turned out super well way beyond expectations I was expecting like a few pickup lines or smooches but definitely not this it blew me out of the water hard tytytyty ily❤️)

Alright bet I get to go crazy again

Requested Prompts #43 - 💓

There's a ringing in your ears, what the hell happened? You just wanted to take a nap... yet it feels like you were in a dome of glass that just shattered. You can feel a poking against your cheek, it's something large, metalic and- wait. You crack open your eyes, just enough to see the intimidating form of Silent Salt staring you down. You're lucky that the beasts consider you... actually, you don't know what they really think of you. Do they think you're their pet? Their friend? a Frenemy? Well, either way you were their warden. " Silent Salt...?" You groan, pushing yourself up from the ground. Silent Salt says nothing, merely just pointing a ways in front of you to- ... hold on, WHAT THE FUCK??? " THE SEAL???" You exclaim, looking at the humongous crack in the realm of the seal. It pulsed with a blue, shadowy energy, which could only mean that Shadow Milk had escaped. And that was bad, very bad, because it meant that you were failing at your job. And... with how big that crack was you doubted that Elder Faerie was on the outside trying to wrangle Shadow Milk back into the seal... Meaning that you had to go outside to get him back in, but doing so would leave the other beasts unattended. Either way, you're failing at your job. So what choice do you really have? You look back at Silent Salt. " Uh... thanks for letting me know?" You said to him, to which earned you a thumbs up in response. You quickly pondered on your choice before looking back to Silent Salt. " Try not to escape while I'm gone, I don't want to double fail at my job." You tell him before running off towards the crack in the seal.

----

As you expected, everything was chaos. Possessed faerie cookies lingered, danced, and fooled around all around you. There were quite a few things that were on fire and the echoes of twisted laughter almost mocked you as you steeled yourself. None of them were who you were looking for despite the resemblance he'd dressed them up in. " Dammit... where would he go if he got out on his own?" You muttered to yourself as you looked around. Fortunately, you could narrow it down to a few places, unfortunately you realized that you are but one cookie. You cannot traverse the entirety of Beast Yeast in just a few minutes or so, it'd take you a few days realistically and by then all the other beasts would have likely gotten out! Were you really fucked no matter what? Probably. You took a deep breath, if anything he'd probably be in some kind of gigantic theater- Well wouldn't you know, there's a gigantic theater right over there that's just oozing with Shadow Milk's aura. There was no way he wouldn't be there, and so that's where you'd go. Hopefully you'd be able to drag him back to the seal.

----

Shadow Milk watched as those pesky little heroes ran about, celebrating as if they'd truly won. Those poor, ignorant fools! They really thought that they'd actually sealed him away in the tree again? They'd been running around in his silly little maze ever since he'd taken hold of the new half-a-cookie guardian's little friends! It was honestly quite pathetic how they hadn't realized they'd been tricked into a false sense of security, he was literally the beast of deceit! Everyone's most beloved Trickster! Tricking them into this just felt too... easy, too boring. He could try his hand at getting Silly-Vanilly to chop down the tree, all he has to do is show him the truth! And why wouldn't he want to know the truth if he embodied it? Unless he was willing to live in a lie... then he was much farther from the Truth than Shadow Milk thought- His train of thought was interrupted when the doors of his theater of lies swung open. " Hm?" That was... odd. Elder Faerie certainly shouldn't be alive, White Lily and co are stuck in his maze of deceit, so then who...? There you stood, looking quite peeved off if he had to say so himself. " Oh! Little Warden, how thrilling that you've come to make an appearance!" He chirped, casting his view of the maze to the side. The maze could wait, his little warden was here! " Shadow Milk Cookie!" You called out, pointing at him accusingly. " You will return to the great seal immediately! And that is an order from the Warden of the Seal!" You commanded him, don't mind the quick pov switch but it was frustrating enough that Shadow Milk escaped in the first place, and now he had the audacity to give you such a smug grin in reply? " Oh Little Warden..." Shadow Milk began, laying on his stomach as he rested his chin on the back of his hand. " It's so so so cute that you think that you can order me around like that~! I'm a free cookie now, and that means that I can do whatever I want again~!" He chirped with a flourish of his free hand, you could see the excited mania dancing in his eyes, you couldn't allow this to stand. " Okay, but you haven't actually earned your freedom at all. You just waited until the seal was weak enough so you could break out!" You retorted, which may have been the wrong thing to say judging by the way his grin dropped for a moment. He soon broke out into a maniacal cackle, seeming to have found your words hilarious. " Ehe he he ha ha hah! Sure, I may have done that, but does it really matter?" He teased, reaching out a clawed hand and picking you up by the edge of your cloak. You shrieked as you were hoisted into the air, you didn't have the protection of the seal that kept you from crumbling while in the real world, so your life was in a lot more danger here. " Ack- Put me down! Or at the very least hold me properly!" You protest as you squirm in place, you feel a shudder run through your dough as the beast before you lets out a low, rumbling chuckle.

" And why should I? You adorable little morsel~" He purrs, flipping you around in his hand so that you were laying on your back on his palm instead of dangling in the air. God fucking dammit, he was doing this again. He knows every, single, god damn weak spot of yours and by god does he abuse them frequently, mainly because they mostly relate to him. " You-!!" You protest, quickly shutting up when you feel his breath wash over you like a wave of hot air. And the way he's looking at you is already making you weak- No, you have to stay strong. " You know..." You hear him begin and fuck when did he get so close? There's a certain glint in his eyes, one that both intrigues you and makes you fear for your life. " I never really got a taste of you like I wanted to... Care to let me just have one little bite? Or maybe just a taste... either would be fine~" He teased with the low, stupidly sexy voice of his. You could already feel his lips at the tips of your little cookie feet, ready to open and swallow them whole if you let him. You could already feel your face turning cherry red, and you knew that he could see it judging by the slight excitement that made itself known in his eyes. You felt tempted to indulge him, but you also didn't want to lose your feet... But maybe he'd go back to the seal? No, he wouldn't... Would he? Or maybe he won't just go for your feet, he's teased you multiple times about gobbling you up in one bite. So if you give him this will he just... eat you? Apparently, you took too long to decide. You felt something moist and blue against your arm, a semi-satisfied hum creeping out of the beast holding you captive. " Mmn... I was right, you really are a sweet little treat. One that I can have all to myself~" Shadow Milk purred, his face looming over you as he left you to process what he'd done. You were in for a long ride, weren't you?

----

AUGHIJBSGHGKSHG I CAN'T, I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE/lh Shadow milk... you bastard why must you make me FEEL THINGS????

but, uh, i hope you enjoyed and if anyone wants to continue this then PLEASE.

#cookie run #cookie run kingdom #cookie run au #crk #cr kingdom #shadow milk cookie #cookie run au prompts #beast yeast #shadow milk cookie x reader #warden!reader prompts

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kasumikoujou · 24 days

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april end innovade update (and possibly one of if not final update)

Statistics:

this was the first month in which i've only drawn one out of all trinities (michael only) (-)

the draw rate has raised since last month's 2.04 to 2.16/day (+)

first time ive drawn a piece including all innovades i tend to usually draw (+)

first time inclusion of 'others' (with the miku innovade designs) (+)

still only drew least drawn innovade a single time (sky) (-)

total drawn - 249

per innovade:

tieria - 59

laetitia - 15

regene - 23

revive - 19

bring - 18

divine - 17

anew - 14

sky - 6

hiling - 33

ribbons - 41

trinities

michael - 9

johann - 3

nena - 3

other - 2

—

ending note / long ramble about the whole situation

its been a long while huh 😭 exactly 4 months. minus a day ! on a year with a longer february as well, nonetheless. its been fun, but i may stop drawing them now; not to say natsume has utterly obliterated my love for innovades inside of my brain (though i thought of announcing it this way with a funny headline like BREAKING NEWS ! natsume has murdered the entire species of innovades in cold blood. we are sorry for the inconvenience), but also as of late it did sort of become a bother to draw them; mostly because of the keeping track of it as well and because i did not want the draw rate etc to drop. i did get to 1/4th of my goal.. minus one ! im not saying i will NEVER be drawing them ever again, but i doubt ill be keeping track of it anymore — alongside that, i do not think i will be drawing them almost at all anymore either (now, for a while. but they may still appear here and there from time to time.. as all my past fandoms do), so if you were only here for them and not me & my works, feel free to unfollow. i will still be up to have talks about them ! but i just wont devote such a high amount of time and effort to them anymore. it is hard to say ive been slowly falling out of love with them, and mayhaps even harder to say im falling in love again with natsume 😭 and EXACTLY a year later after i last stopped drawing him too... which is crazy .

i feel like besides this, it was also becoming apparent that drawing them has become a chore to me ; i was not feeling up to drawing highly detailed pieces with them anymore that id spend time on. i was not happy with the results on many of them either. and things like the page of every single tieria outfit, despite it used to be a thing i was once hyped about doing... back in january when i just got here, it no longer was that way. yes, i pushed through with it, but it took me a very long time and i kind of disliked going back to it, which is why it even took me that long 😭 and was moreso just done to keep up the numbers of innovades drawn ; for myself, for others.

i cannot lie about the fact it did make me happy i was giving to such a small fandom and brightening other peoples days, and this is a big flaw i have that i tend to put others above myself, but this has become much too big of a bother to me to keep on doing it. i still love them ! not as much, but i still do, especially ribbons. there is nothing wrong with them, i just do not wish to continue essentially wasting so much of my time drawing things i do not enjoy drawing, unless i am to see it finished and thats all the joy i get out of it.

as for the requests with the innovades, i am unsure if i am to do them anymore except for a singular one that ive also not received thru an ask but dm, purely because i am actually hyped about it 😭 and that may be the extent of which you will be seeing anymore 00 content from me.

im sorry if ive let anyone down & thank you for following me through this journey ; i hope to see you again :)

#the sumi rambles #super long post under cut

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lains-reality · 10 months

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the hardest i keep trying to remain uninterested towards my thoughts and reaffirm that im awareness only and not the ego the more i feel angry that absolutely nothing is happening, not even feeling peace or fulfillment or anything, probably because i went into nd thinking its the same thing as loa and just wanting to get things but rn im done trying to convince myself that i dont care what my thoughts or my reality is, i dont know what to do about any of this anymore because ive read so much information (including the books ada shared) and now my brain feels fried and cant process shit i have no idea of where to go from here

firstly. take a break.

honestly, i've been thinking about honesty lol. i've realised that a lot of what i've been doing is to see a manifestation or feel love. but i never wanted to admit it. i might not ever have any """evidence""" for why i am pure awareness - my ego wants to understand. but i've moved on from trying to make it understand or convincing it. its perfectly fine as it is. it can walk, it can intelectualise (something that i actually want to stop doing with nd!), it can talk. thats okay with me. i don't want to demand or force anything more of it. i know what happens when i force my mind to do something, its a complete mess. i know that for the manifestations i want, that it requires me not to be a body-mind. it require something more. something timeless, boundless, etc. i cannot demand that from my body or mind. so i've decided to move past them, work with them when needed and soothe them when needed.

doing the inner work, depending on your ego, might be a thing you need to do (in fact i'd say that everyone needs to do it). its hard to just force yourself to disbelieve and detach. especially when forcing is not what you're supposed to do.

if you're in my inbox then you've read my posts, right?

so you see that i've recommended self inquiry before yes? and that i've put up books? you sound like you haven't read my posts? i've been reblogging so much and talked several times about no forcing!!

give yourself a chance. calm down. you're putting so much pressure on the body-mind to see your Self, BUT IT CAN'T, you are not that which you can observe!! you can't observe Self, THATS WHY THE MIND WILL NEVER GET IT! stop trying to force yourself to see your divinity, just appriciate the divinity you see now (you're literally ALIVE, breathing!! look at the world, you as Self created for YOU. Self fell in love with the character so much it forgot it was not it!!)

you're looking for some woo-woo magical experience that forever changes you - these ideas about enlightenment are not it. whatever ideas about enlightenment the mind had, throw it in the bin.

before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. after enlightenment - chop wood, carry water!! you'll be going through the world the same, except in how you see the world.

enlightenment is a destruction. its a destruction in how you see the world and yourself. that's it. in the end, you'll feel peace (as others have said so) but you're not there, are you? you're trying to get rid of ego through ego. stop.

you'll never know Self, until you see it yourself. this is through experiments and practise.

stop reading if its frying you're brain. you're entire ask can be solved by "ok i'm gonna take a break this is too much". please the answer to your questions is not some magical shit! this is why i've said before KEEP IT SIMPLE.

this goes to all anons now (not just you anon!) LEARN HOW TO EMOTIONALLY REGULATE YOURSELF. i might just make a big post on this or something.

reading

starting the journey

i've shared this too many times now

another regular article i share

disbelieve

how to let go of vanessa

i'm sorry more ada posts

another one

read this one

LEAVE VANESSA ALONE

#lainsmail #can you tell i'm holding back tears of anger #you're not incompetent YOU CAN DO IT #i mean this all lovingly anon

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formula-juanmanuel · 1 year

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Chapter 1

pairing: female!driver oc x mick schumacher

word count: 2.7k words

warnings: explicit language, drinking, motorsport accidents, mentions of sex, mature themes, mentions of mental illness and side effects of this, mentions of prescribed medication, mentions of death

Hey everyone, welcome to my new story. I have never written before but I am so excited to start. Please let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions I am so happy to take them on board. Hope you enjoy and love you all :)

If you would like to be added to my taglist, let me know in the comments :)

“We are finally getting to see the first female Formula 1 driver in just over 30 years hit the grid in 2026 and we couldn’t be more excited about it! The woman in question, Lori Hoffmann, 2025 F2 Champion and the newest driver for Mercedes AMG Petronas F1 Team. Welcome to the podcast, Lori!”

“Thank you for having me, TC! Wow, when you say it like that it all feels very real. Far out!”

“It is an incredible achievement and anyone who has been watching you rise through the junior categories knows that you are a force to be reckoned with. You set a record within F2, winning the championship with the biggest points margin we have ever seen, a feat that not even your 2026 grid mates, Charles Leclerc, George Russell, Nyck De Vries, Mick Schumacher, Oscar Piastri or Felipe Drugovich managed to achieve.”

“Yeah, this year in F2 was absolutely insane, from the very start I felt like I was absolutely on fire. I had the best team behind me as well and I cannot thank them enough for their support this year. I had a lot of criticism coming into this season that I had never really had in years before and I think it was because I was starting to look like a real championship threat. But I live for the pressure and I love to prove people wrong and that’s what I did. I was also lucky to have some amazing supporters and mentors this year and I couldn’t have done it without their love and hard work too”

“That leads me to a question I have been meaning to ask you. Daniel Ricciardo? What is the relationship between you both? We have seen him in your box a fair bit this year and from what I have heard, he is coaching you, is that correct?”

“Hahaha, I was waiting for this question. Yes, Daniel Ricciardo! Since the start of this year, Daniel has been my advisor and mentor, I guess you could say but he really just is the circus leader to my hectic racing weekends. He actually reached out to me at the end of 2024 after his World Driver’s Championship win and his retirement from Formula 1 and asked if he could be of assistance to my career. I was obviously shocked and honoured that he would even be interested in helping me. I mean, being an Australian racing driver, he was always someone I looked up to. I, of course, said yes right away and he has been helping me this year with an increase in press and media responsibilities, F1 team offers, improving my mindset and just really helping me to keep myself calm and focused during the season. That has obviously been an issue in the past for me and he has been a massive help.”

“I am glad that you mentioned that, I know you are very open about your struggles but it can be a hard topic to bridge. Do you mind explaining for the people listening who may not know the full story, why you have had to focus so heavily on staying mentally healthy this year?”

“Yeah of course! It is not something that I am ashamed of and I think it is incredibly important to talk about, especially in a sport that can be so focused on ‘manning up’. I took a break from my F3 career in 2020 following the death of my close friend Anthoine Hubert. I have always been incredibly tough but this accident rattled me and I made the decision to take 2020 off to focus on getting back into a space where I loved racing and wasn’t scared to be on track anymore. I was still around F3, F2 and F1, supporting my friends from the pits but I was traumatised having watched my friend lose their life doing what they loved. It was the worst moment of my life. I know a few people were quite critical of this decision but it was the safest for myself and my fellow grid mates and I came back and won F3 in 2021. I am doing better now, but I am still always conscious of my mental state.”

“That was a tragic accident and a reminder of the risk that all the drivers take each time they hop into the car. I am truly sorry for your loss. You mentioned your support for your friends during this year off and I think this is truly one of your best qualities as a racer. You are so fiercely competitive on track, earning yourself the nickname ‘Black Widow’, which I must say fits you so well. You are small and unassuming, unique and bright in appearance but you strike quickly and without mistake. However off track we have seen almost a complete 180 of that. You are known for your amazing friendships, pranks and protective instincts.”

“Yes hahaha! On track I am not to be messed with and like all racers it can be hard to not hold grudges away from the track but my friends mean the world to me. Growing up as an only child I always wished for a brother, I guess because all the boys at school played with and talked about cars so I wanted to have someone to talk about cars with at home who wasn’t my dad. Getting into karting and rising through the junior categories has really given me my biggest wish. I think for me my relationship with Clem, my Trident team mate of 3 years, is the closest thing I will ever have to getting a brother. He is only a year younger than me but I am incredibly protective of him and he is one of the reasons for my spot in F1, having him as a teammate meant I had constant reassurance and advice. He has been racing longer than I have, I only started karting when I was 15, so he always has tips and tricks for me. As a friend, travelling the world and racing with him means laughs, tears and memories I will never forget. I am so happy to be moving to F1 with him next year. I am also so lucky to call so many of my 2026 grid mates my closest friends. Lando, Alex, Felipe, Lance, Esteban, Charles and George have all been supporting me since my start in F3 in 2018. I am very lucky for sure.”

“Getting to have your teammate be one of your best friends must feel like a dream come true. Do you worry that being in a competitive team with George will place a strain on your relationship?”

“Not at all, I really do feel like we have the experience and maturity to separate the track from life and place it in its box. Don’t get me wrong, we are both so competitive, to the point of having run each other off the track during our yearly karting races a few times”

“Fantastic! It is good to see some healthy competition. Now Lori, before I dive into some quick this or that questions, I just wanted to ask about how you got into racing in the first place. I believe your father played a big role in this?”

“Yeah Dad was my biggest supporter in motorsport for sure. I grew up around cars with him working as the consignment manager for Dutton Garage, which is a car dealership in Melbourne which specialises in rare, luxury and classic cars and as such I spent a lot of time there when I was growing up. I am sure I have some pictures of me sitting in a Jaguar E-Type or a ‘69 Miura at the age of 5, biggest smile on my face. I used to sit in the foyer area and read books about all the cars which in turn got me reading about and watching Formula 1. From there Dad eventually, when he realised this wasn’t just another childhood phase, got me a kart and the rest is history. I was an apprentice mechanic from 16 as well, working in the garage there until I left to race in Europe in 2018 and that has helped me fall even more in love with cars and racing.”

“Very impressive! So you know your way around a car? What would be your favourite car of all time if you had to pick?”

“Absolutely I do! I have three project cars sitting in my warehouse back in Australia so I know a manifold from a cylinder head, for sure. Favourite car is an easy pick actually! A 1979 Chevrolet Corvette. It was the first car I ever drove, I was 13 and one of the regular customers at Dutton came in to collect it and when he saw me looking over it in awe, he let me drive it down the garage to the front for him. It was only about 20m in a straight line but I was terrified that I would break it. I was hooked though after that and this customer actually helped to sponsor me in F3. That is also the reason I am racing with number 79 next year too. Same year as that beautiful car which holds so many memories for me.”

“It is so nice to hear how passionate you are, not just about racing but about cars and the history and science behind them! Alright, are you ready for some quick fire questions?”

“Absolutely! Fire away”

“Alright! Weights or cardio?”

“Without fail it would have to be weights, although I do love a good run”

“Understeer or oversteer?”

“Oversteer, you know what Jeremy Clarkson said, at least you won’t have to see the object you are crashing into with oversteer! Hahaha”

“Hahaha, oh gosh! Wet race or dry race?”

“Wet race, growing up in rainy Melbourne, I got a lot of experience”

“Night race or day race?”

“Day race actually”

“Be a scientist or an artist?”

“Scientist, I love science”

“Ok, last question, Senna or Schumacher?”

“Oh god, ok ummmm, how do you even pick? They are both incredible drivers. I am half German so I was raised on Schumacher and Vettel. So, Schumacher, lock it in”

“Fantastic Lori! Well it was an absolute pleasure chatting to you today and I cannot wait to see the rookie year you have in 2026. All the best and we will talk soon”

“Thank you so much! I will see you around I am sure”

Stepping into my new home in Brackley, I set my keys down onto the kitchen counter and dropped my duffel bag to the floor. A huge smile crossing my face as I walked into the living room and looked out the bay window framing the flower filled garden beyond. I knew I wasn’t going to be here much, the farmhouse only being my home during factory trips and simulator tests, but none the less, I was already in love. It was every bit as cosy and warm as I could have hoped, a sheer contrast to the sterility and coldness of the hotels I would be staying in across the 2026 season.

As I sat down on the bay window seat I allowed myself to finally take in the last few weeks, a breathy laugh leaving me as a few tears of happiness slipped down my face.

“Lori, I know I am meant to be professional and talk about this contract with you… but holy fuck!” was all I heard down the line as I answered my phone much to the annoyance of my trainer, Evan.

“Avery slow down! What is happening? I am mid training session and you have already lost me” I mumbled through the phone to my manager and best friend of 4 years.

Avery and I had met at the end of 2021 after my F3 championship, both of us on holiday in Athens. I recognised the Australian accent while exploring the Acropolis and realised she was by herself on this trip, as was I. I went over and introduced myself and the rest was history. Her degree in communications and her understanding of my wants and needs from years of friendship made her the perfect manager for me as I came into my 2024 F2 season.

“I just got off the phone with a team about 2026!” she said loudly, although this time it was thankfully not a scream.

“Avi, I don’t understand, we have had heaps of team offers.” It was true, not to sound too cocky but I had already been contacted by Williams, Alfa Romeo and McLaren. None of Avery’s phone calls to me about the offers had been like this though.

“You absolute dumbass! Take the hint! This was THE CALL” she said dramatically and within half a second, it clicked. I put my hand back to check the workout bench was still behind me and lowered myself slowly to sit down in shock.

“No… please don’t joke with me. I know I have pranked you so many times this year and I am sorry for that but this is so cruel” She had to be joking.

“God, I would never do that to you Lori. But you need to pack as you are needed in Brackley in 3 days.” I could tell she was smirking, knowing that mentioning that little town in the United Kingdom would confirm what I was trying so hard not to believe.

“Holy fucking shit” was all I could get out as my hand smacked over my mouth. Evan had been trying not to eavesdrop but at my words his head whipped around from where he was stretching on the floor, trying to decide if I had just gotten good or bad news.

“Mercedes, they want me?” Evan’s eyes were wide in shock now, huge grin from ear to ear.

“Hell yes they do. I am booking us tickets now and will send you all the information after this call but I will see you tonight for dinner anyway and we can go over it all then”

“Ok amazing, wow! Ok sounds good, let me know. I will get back to my training, guess I may need it even more now”

“Yes, good girl and say hi to Evan for me” she said giggling like a school girl down the line for me. I rolled my eyes.

“Hey Evan! Avery says hi” I yelled out to him while still on the line. I could see him blush and say a small hi. These two had been after each other for months with no confidence to commit.

“OMG! NO! SHUT UP! FAR OUT! OK BYE LOSER” and with that she hung up.

“Guess we better get you training to deal with all that porpoising” was all Evan said as he came over and gave me a massive hug and slap on the back.

“Oh fuck off you!” I was smiling so much it hurt though.

All of that had lead me to a few hours before, sitting in the Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula 1 headquarters across from Toto Wolff, putting my signature on a billion pieces of paper, joking away with my new team principal.

I had put my phone on silent, Mercedes had made a few posts for the official announcement and now my phone could barely keep up with the tweets, instagram messages and tags and texts from family and friends who didn’t already know.

My head was swirling but all I knew was that I had 4 weeks until I was in Bahrain for testing and a million things to organise before then. While I hadn’t let it cross my mind until now, it was also 4 weeks until I had to deal with a massive pain in my ass again and I was not looking forward to being forced to be civil with him. I knew for a fact that he would be out to make my rookie season a living hell. Too bad for him he would be doing that from a Williams.

#formula 1 fic #mick schumacher #daniel ricciardo #clement novalak #lando norris #george russell #mercedes amg petronas #charles leclerc #nyck de vries #alexander albon #driver!reader #driver x reader #formula 1 #f1 fanfic #mick schumacher x reader

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a-dragons-journal · 5 months

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I really hate writing posts like this on mobile, but I’m not going to get the chance to write it on desktop for almost a week, so I’m writing this in Google Docs and copying it over and I apologize for any missed formatting errors.

I’m having a real weird time with Frontiers - not bad, necessarily, but weird - and I want to document it to some extent, so here we are. Pretty major game spoilers ahead. Also a quick warning that I am going to get a little mean about trophy hunting; I am aware that on Earth this is a somewhat more nuanced issue (and I really don’t want to get into it tbh), but I am letting myself get emotional here because that’s frankly just not true on Pandora because the situation is different.

This game is giving me a really weird experience, because it’s like… the story is meh until it is not. I’m mostly having a normal time, until I very abruptly am not.

The first round was during the Zeswa clan storyline, when you get into the Lodge. For those who haven’t played or haven’t gotten this far yet, while exploring the Upper Plains and talking with the Zeswa, you learn that the RDA has been poaching animals, hunting and trapping them en masse to ship them or their body parts back to Earth to sell for big bucks, because the people back on Earth will pay massive amounts of money to be able to show off anything Pandoran - often taking whole carcasses, but sometimes just stripping the pieces they can sell and leave the rest to rot. There’s a log from an interrogation wherein they captured a Zeswa and tortured them to try and get them to reveal the location of the graveyard of the zakru, the enormous animals the Zeswa live in symbiosis with, so they can steal the bones and tusks. And when you get into the Lodge, the center of Harding’s poaching operation, there are stuffed animals and animal parts on display as trophies.

I cannot express properly the rage that filled my chest and my throat when I saw that. The outlying camps, with their slaughtered fa’li and aywinzaw in piles, were bad enough. But the Lodge itself, the heads and bodies and bones put on display, animals that were not killed for food or population culls but simply because they could - my throat fills with fire even thinking back on it now. This is not Eywa’s way. This is deeply, deeply wrong.

All right. That’s fine. That’s fine. I can be normal about this. This is a deeper anger than I have gotten out of most media, but it’s fine.

And then there was the second round, during the Kame’tire clan storyline. And let me just say, hoo boy the story very suddenly picks up during the Kame’tire section. There is a segment where you find the place where you and other Sarentu children were held and processed before you were taken to the school the game initially picks up in, where you see what was left behind - cages and shackles the Sarentu were held in, Sarentu toys and clothes and ornaments that were stripped from the children, disinfectant and stark communal showers that were used to strip even their clan’s scent from them. The place is abandoned and empty and hollow, and I… I had to actually take a step back and take a break from it for a minute partway through because I was getting overwhelmed and starting to want to cry, even despite being on call with friends and having them chattering about something unrelated and cheerful in my ear. I felt trapped and frightened and horrified and haunted by memories. And I - look. I am a person that feels a lot with regards to fictional media. I have often said that my emotions are too big for my little body, and fiction is my safe place to feel at 100% capacity where it doesn’t actually have consequences. I am familiar with the emotional impacts fiction can have on me, and they can be big.

I had to actually stop and take a step back and walk away for a couple of minutes and get a snack and engage in an unrelated conversation for a bit to remind myself this was fiction and wasn’t actually happening. I have never had to do that.

And when I escaped that horrible, horrible place and escaped the yavä’ - I came across a Na’vi camp almost immediately and it was horribly jarring, seeing all these people just… living their lives. Talking amongst themselves. Sitting by the fire, sharing food and stories and music. I had to walk back out of the camp and call my ikran just to stroke her head and, in my head at least, hug her and comfort myself for a bit before I could go back in.

And then, after a bit to recover - normal game experience again. Normal level of investment. Normal level of emotional impact.

So… I still don’t think I am Sarentu (or Na’vi of any kind), although the specificity of what hit me that hard makes me pause to wonder for a moment, but hoo boy my alterhumanity related to this world is definitely impacting my emotional experience of this game periodically and it is a wild ride. I am not Na’vi, but being of Eywa, I can live in a Na’vi’s footprints completely enough, at least temporarily, to Know what it is to live this life and walk this path.

That’s the odd thing, about having a hearthome which is so integrally connected that the interconnection is part of the hearthome feelings - I am not Na’vi, but also I know what it is to be Na’vi. I am not ikran, but also I know what it is to be ikran. I am not - you get the idea. I am not, but also I kind of am.

It’s… interesting. And hoo boy it’s a lot in this case. I’ll be fine, but man.

#rani talks #hearthome #frontiers of pandora spoilers #journaling

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trans-wojak · 1 year

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I swear to fucking god, do people even listen to themselves these days? Another stupid girl posting on Facebook that she’s supposedly “agender” but ain’t ever going to inform her parents about her precious gender identity because they won’t understand. That she will die without them ever knowing.

Do you know how privileged that is? Literally, your parents won’t even give a fuck. Why? Because you aren’t actually going to transition. Do you know what happens to ACTUAL transsexuals? We get kicked out of home, we get abused, our parents disown us. I was NOT put in conversion therapy and pushed back into the closet for fucking 9 years then made homeless just so some stupid girls can think “oh but I don’t feel like a girl, I’m fine with my sex tho” is on the same level as me.

My parents originally fucking were horrible to me, they put me in conversion therapy and you what that lead to? Me having such low self esteem that I believed being abused was normal, so normal that I got into a domestic violent relationship that lasted for 9 years. Conversion therapy actively encourages you to consider suicide as an option if you can’t live as your assigned sex. They break down your spirit, they basically try to convince you that you’re delusional. Leaving him meant I was left with NOTHING but not only that, I had already started testosterone and the changes were beginning to get too obvious for my dad to ignore. He literally made me homeless cause he refused to have me live with him until I could get my own place. Because now I wasn’t just looking like a dyke, I was now showing signs of true transsexuality.

Both my parents are better now, they have a lot of regret about treating me so poorly over my gender dysphoria - but they are not perfect. My mum will still run away and hide from people who knew me prior to my transition if I’m with her because she doesn’t want to defend me if they are nasty when they realise it’s [deadname] as a man now. My dad still uses she/her pronouns for me even though it makes people think he has dementia lol. He constantly thinks I’m going to kill myself because I will eventually regret my transition. He also thinks everyone can always tell that I’m trans even though I’m stealth in real life. He lets it slip that he thinks I will never find a partner, constantly tells my mum that he wishes I “just stayed as a lesbian butch woman**”. My mum thinks [deadname] and Mike are two different people, she thinks she lost a daughter, but gained a son even though I am the same person. She has said before that I killed her first daughter when we have arguments.

I am so sick of this non binary craze bullshit. Y’all don’t understand that transsexuals do not get the same benefits you do, you can hide being “trans.” You can put on your they/them pins at LGBTIBBQ meet ups but take them off to go back to your cis life. I cannot. My life is forever shaped by this bullshit, I am struggling so hard to change my name legally so EVERY TIME I do anything that requires that nonsense - people treat me like fucking shit. Cause they see a bloke in front of them but a legal female name, they know. Nurses are absolute trash to me if I ever go to the hospital because of my legal name. They use he/him until they see the paper work then do a condescending smile and use my deadname, she/her etc. Its rare that I have a decent nurse or doctor who ACTUALLY continues to treat me correctly.

Your non binary identity is based all on fucking sexist gender roles and without those, you wouldn’t have an identity. Mine is based on the fact my brain sex is male but my body was born female and I’m actively changing that to male.

We are not the same.

#personal #rant post #anti mogai #lgbt exclu #transmed #d slur mention

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dominijoyce · 1 year

Text

Some Feelings About Disco Elysium

I wanna say, I've never really related to the need of wanting more represantation of your culture and/or community. I understoon the idea and why actual represantation beyond headcanon and fandom interpretation was something many people strive for and need more of. I just never personally could relate to that need - even if it revolved around cultures and communities I am a part of.

Yes, I was always happy when I saw a represantation of those like me, especially if said represantation is positive but I never felt that "I needed this".

Well at least not until playing and finishing Disco Elysium.

I do not want this to be some extremelly long personal post so I will not go in detail of the game itself but as someone who has suffered from psychosis for years now, I don't think I have ever felt so close to the protagonist of the game as I did with Harry.

While I also see Harry as plural, For the entire game I couldn't help but keep thinking how Skills [and items like Necktie] talking to Harry is quite literally how I experience everyday through my life with auditory hallucinations that incidentally do manifest as random inputs out of nowhere in my head that are impossible to locate the source from.

And the way Harry talks, the way he interracts with the world - even if you decide to only pick the most "sane" of the given dialogue options, you still may struggle heavily to be seen as "normal" by other characters in the game. That one is something heavily personal to me as well - when even at the times of me trying my best to mask, the symptoms and effects of my psychosis among other mental disorders still manage to come out and possibly freak others.

And just... In general showing Harry's struggle and him being intense and quite often not being sure what was the intention of his actions either, not knowing why he cannot put the phone down, not being able to stop what he's doing even when he knows he already failed [specifically talking of when you lose a Check but cannot back out even if technically nothing is stopping him from shutting up or not continuing to harm himself, etc.].

He is lost, yes he is a complete amnesiac so that's given but even in later stages of the game where he recovers some parts of himself and the world around him, he is still struggling and quite often openly talking of needing a break and just, stoping everything around him.

I could go on, yes but it would be repetetive of me and if you played the game you probably are able to yourself name multiple other characteristics of Harry not being "sane" no matter how hard he/player might try.

I'm listing all of those because as I mentioned, those are heavily personal and relatable things to me as well. Dare I say, except for amnesia, sometimes my daily life does just feel like playing Disco Elysium. [Although I do suffer from micro-amnesic episodes as well...]

And I didn't know I needed a protagonist like Harry Du Bois in my life, I didn't know I needed a game like Disco Elysium in my life that lets you put on the shoes of a canonically psychotic character and written in a purposefully ugly way. Not romanticising it but also being respectful and not treating Harry as a monster nor a person who will never be part of the society [the ending of the game hit way too close to my heart...]. The game doesn't beat around the bush or tries to minimize the horrors of his mind or characterize them in the way where it feels like the game's genre is meant to be fantasy instead.

The game and the writing of Disco Elysium is just... honest. Honest is a good word. It shows you both the ugliest and the prettiest and the most hurtful and the most hopeful of Harry's mind. And before playing Disco Elysium, I struggled heavily to sometimes explain the way my mind works, even to myself - to put pieces of it in place or category. But Disco Elysium made me able to and able to notice certain patterns or realize certain things of what is going on with me. I needed this game in my life, I needed this protagonist in my life and I didn't know I did until I finished it.

I suppose it is no surprise I will now consider Disco Elysium my favorite game and keep recommending it to people who can handle heavy subject the game tackles. It is also no surprise that I have already started my second playthrough of the game. The way mentality of Harry is written is just one of many other amazingly written aspects of the game. The game's story made me emotional, the game's characters made me emotional, the setting made me emotional and there is still so much content I haven't managed to explore on my first playthrough. Not to mention I cried twice or thrice during it. It is a masterpiece, I believe.

Thank you, Robert Kurvitz. Thank you, Aleksander Rostov. Thank you Helen Hindpere. Thank you for creating and writing an experience so close to mine I didn't know I needed to see represented.

#disco elysium #harry du bois #mental health #psychosis #psychotic #actually psychotic

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scoonsalicious · 24 days

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Mother Pookie has fed her kitties well🩷🩷. There’s so many emotions idk which one i should talk about first?😭😂

BUT DANG chap 2.2 is just HOT

I am actually speechless😂 I have nothing to say except I am satisfied.

ITS SO GOOD OMG POOKIE? WHAT R U DOING TO ME? WHATT?!!😫😫

Lemme say, It didn’t take me long to hate Lilian. Like I swear, the moment she fucking said that Major looks like a SKANK gurl, fuck u.

My first impression on Major was like how Bucky saw her, a hot pretty dame that made me giggle like a teenager, making heart eyes and singing the whole world to my dick (if i have a dick)

And then throughout the chp, oh my goodness, I would’ve slap Leah the moment she starts bitching up. Major has a dang ass patience. I couldn’t.

THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO VOTE FOR BUCKYBABY TO BREAK HER HEART IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE (so far she’s 35% in my ‘dead’ list, better fix ur attitude if u don wanna end up like cunthage — ITS JUST BEEN 2 CHP?!)

Lindsay rubs the ick on me more than Jade (ofc Jade is worse but she dead now) but cuntly is so so so so so so so so so irritating. The absolute pick me, so called ‘one of the guys’. Ew. Even half of the team is irked by her attitude. That just says a lot.

Glad that our queen Major put her in her place. She needs more. Like, absolute humiliation (disclaimer: i dont support bullying but LILIAN FUCKING NEEDS IT)

And can we appreciate Wanda simping over Thor?😂 (you are not alone, i also dream of licking his abs — mhmmm)

Bucky and Major are purrrfect for each other. Its giving love at first sight 👀. Bucky simps hard. Like so hard. I can wait for more Bucky X Major scene (fluff,sexay — mayyybeeeee angst? i just love hurt myself)

Also, iMajor and Tony r absolutely gonna be ‘rich business badass besties’ and then them + Sam (Wanda and Nat at the back) roasting Leah. Oh what a beautiful dream~

Anyways, beautiful beautiful writing indeed. Waiting to see Bucky sexay POV next😂 Unleash the power of your blue balls. Also I can’t wait to read what your master brain had planned🌚. Love you Pookie🩷🩷🩷

PS// these past few days I was scrolling tumblr, searching for new Bucky fics/updates and honestly… I MISSED YOUU!!! I CANNOT STRESSED THAT ENOUGH!!! 😭 seeing your username the first thing when i opened tumblr made my night! i was planning on listening to songs, dwelling on my loneliness and delulu but LOOK AT ME NOW, ITS 4AM GOSH. THANK U POOKIE LOVE U HAVE A GREAT DAY

POOKIE! <3

Actual footage of me coming up to love on your comments:

I'm so glad people are enjoying 2.2! I gotta be real, I usually don't get hot and bothered when it comes time write smut, but that section? Whoa, boy... that section had me like:

(Yes, this is my second favorite gif of all time, and I will use Blanche to express my hot and bothered-ness whenever I can, lol)

I gotta tell you right now, the phrase "making heart eyes and singing the whole world to my dick (if i have a dick)" is now the highlight of my week, so I thank you for this. It's pure literary magic <3

Major is used to taking shit from peons; she was a woman in the military, after all, lol, which is why she's able to not let Lily phase her too much. Her patience will be tested, though. Where Cunthrage was just flat out unhinged, Lizard is more... selfishly insidious? Just, you know, she's not going to be kidnapping people and snapping their arms or murderously rampaging through Hydra bases or anything. (The stakes here are much, much lower, lol. Which, I guess, is going to prep us for Unbroken, where the stakes will be... Thanos-sized, lol.) I think what makes Lily feel worse, to me, is that she's far more realistic than Jade was. Like, I know girls like Lily irl; thankfully, never met a Jade (phew!). Much like Killgrave, to me, is the scariest Marvel villain, because I've encountered so many men like him in the real world.

The things I dream of doing to Thor would probably get me put on a list if he was a real person and not a fictional character, lol. Unless I'm doing AUs, I tend to stick with canon-pairings, but there is something about the idea of Wanda/Thor that I currently find very appealing, so hopefully, we will see something happen between the two of them. I think they would be adorable. And for some reason known only to my maker, I love making Wanda a little bit horny, lol. In fact, an earlier draft of Unwanted had Pocket referring to her as the Sokovian Horndog after she made some comments about Bucky's body, lol.

Is it weird that I don't plan on having Tony be too involved in this fic, because I feel like giving him a friendship with Major is like him cheating on his friendship with Pocket? That makes no sense whatsoever, lol, but I'm so protective of my girl. I'm like "Yeah, Major, I'll let you fuck Pocket's boyfriend, Bucky, but YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH HER PSUEDO-BROTHER TONY BECAUSE HE IS HERS!"

Bucky's got some sexy POV in the next sextion (see what I did there? lol) but there's going to be so much more smut in this one than Unwanted. It just feels right, lol.

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silverbladexyz · 1 year

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Um... How about the Flags + Rimbraud and Verlaine with a s/o who plays the violin but is very shy about it so they walk in on them practicing? If you don't feel comfortable with this, feel free to ignore it! Have an amazing day and awesome rest of your week my dear friend!

YOOOOO I LOVE THIS REQUEST SO MUCH!! AND VIOLIN? ONE OF MY FAV INSTRUMENTS?!! HECK YEAH (lmao sorry for my energetic mood I'm just happy)

Stormbringer spoilers below!

The images do not belong to me. They belong to their original owners.

TW: Slight mentions of death

The Flags + Rimlaine who walks in on S/O playing the violin

Pianoman:

-This man is an artist and you cannot tell me otherwise. When he walked in on you practising, he was actually kind of surprised, but afterwards a smile forms his face

-You were very good at violin, so let's say that you were practicing Paganini's 'La Campanella'. When Pianoman walked in, you literally squeaked and was immediately going to apologise for not telling him, but he was looking at you with a lot of admiration and curiosity in his eyes

-Who knew that his beloved s/o could play the violin? Pianoman is very interested in the instrument, because I feel like he likes music as well. Definitely asks you questions about the violin and your experience of playing it

-Tell him all the random facts about the violin! He would love to hear it from you, and it makes him even more interested in the instrument. Teach him how to play it! He would love to learn it, and don't worry, he will never drop your violin because he's way too elegant for that

-He has jokingly asked one time if he could use violin strings to replace his wires. Slap him. Hard. (and fyi violin strings normally aren't strong enough to behead someone lol)

-Loves listening to you play. I feel like his favourite piece would either be Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D or Mozart's Violin Concerto No.5

-But if you were practicing too much, Pianoman will make you take a break. He'd hate to see you overworking yourself, and the calluses on your fingers pains him. Would delicately massage your left hand if the piece you played was too intense

-Oh and if he ever dares to use violin strings as his weapon, slap him very hard for me. But he wouldn't dare to do it because it's an insult to art plus I would slap him myself loool

Albatross:

-When he walked in, he was immediately star-struck by your lovely playing. Definitely goes all 'Y/N!! You could play the violin? Why didn't you tell me it's so cool!!' while you were going slightly red from the embarrassment

-His energetic personality erases all embarrassment from you, because he thinks that your violin playing is the coolest. Definitely brags about you to the Flags, and asks you a lot of questions on the violin

-Now Albatross would actually ask you to teach him how to play the violin. Even though he does bounce around a lot and nearly drops the instrument a lot of times, he won’t actually drop it because he’s good with his hands (fixing vehicles requires hand dexterity) But please be aware of where he puts the violin, because sometimes it can end up dropping to the floor or being sat on

-Loves to hear you play. Albatross probably prefers pop songs, but who said that he didn’t like a good old classical piece every now and then? If you play him Zigeunerweisen or Erlkönig he will love it

-If you’re insecure about your violin playing skills, he will give you lots of encouragement and love to make you feel better

-Albatross would buy a violin as well so that he could play a duet with you when his skills are good enough. I recommend the Bach concerto for 2 violins in D minor. Also please educate him on what type of violin is best for him, because he might buy than expensive asf violin that doesn’t even suit his playing lmao

-Might even make Chuuya listen to his violin playing. Please save Chuuya’s ears because they will be bleeding by the end of it xD

Doc:

-Doc might tilt his head in curiosity when he walks in on you playing. I feel like he hasn’t listened to a lot of music due to his busy career as a doctor, so hearing an in-person soloist-level violin playing is very refreshing and nice for him

-He would ask you a lot of questions about the violin, perhaps even ask you to teach him. Feel free to do so, but please keep your lessons shorter than an hour... because I feel like Doc doesn’t have enough stamina to stand while playing the violin for that long

-He will treat you if you get injuries from violin playing. Even if it was just a mere callouse, Doc is still insistent on treating it, and plus I know you secretly love his touch. But that one time when you practiced a bit too much and cut yourself on the violin strings... Doc hid the violin from you until your fingers healed it was under his bed lmao

-Loves listening to your playing as well. Whenever he feels stressed, sick, or just any negative emotion in general, he will sit down and listen to the wonderful melody coming out from your bow. Play some Paganini or Shostakovich and he will fall in love with you more

-Watch TwoSetViolin with him!!! I headcanon he secretly is a Twosetter, and also a Ling Ling wannabe. Doc will definitely practice 40 hours a day if he could

-When you played him a piece on his birthday, I swear that you could’ve heard his heart beat all the more for you

Iceman:

-He didn’t show that much of an outward reaction when he walked in. Probably a slight raise of his eyebrows, but he was pretty chill about it overall

-Would slightly question on why you hid this skill from him, but he isn’t mad! Just a bit curious, that’s all

-Iceman will comfort you if you were feeling embarrassed and guilty of hiding your ability to play the violin from him. He’s literally the most patient guy and it takes a lot for him to get mad

-Literally just wants you to be as comfortable as you can... he even volunteers to step out of the room if you wanted to practice your violin in peace. Hug him

-Wouldn’t really ask, but he would love it if he could listen to you play your violin. It’s canon that Iceman likes listening to his old records, but that doesn’t mean that he dislikes listening to anything else! Play him some nice and calming music, like Meditation by Jules Massenet

-Could listen to you talk about the violin all day. Iceman would never judge or criticise your passion for your instrument, and your passion makes him even more interested in the violin

-Would actually not use the violin for his assassinations anymore. He has used a few to kill some people, but he won’t do that anymore because of his love for you 💗

Lippmann:

-He was honestly quite surprised when he found out, but that surprise quickly melted away. Lippmann thinks that playing the violin is quite a nice skill to have, and he isn’t mad that you kept that skill from him

-Would kiss your callouses and scars on your fingers. His kisses are the best and they always make you flustered (but you know you love it)

-Also would listen to you play! He doesn’t have a lot of time due to his jobs, but Lippmann will take any chance he could to listen to your violin playing. It helps him to calm down whenever he’s in a stressed mood from what he was going to say for the interview or the negotiation

-I headcanon that he likes listening to pieces from the Romantic period. So play some Tchaikovsky or Brahms and it would be his go-to music from now on. Besides, Lippmann himself is quite romantic too

-He would ask you to teach you a bit of violin. Sometimes, he would have to play the violin in a few movies as part of his acting career, but now that he knows you play the instrument, he wants to make sure that his playing isn’t sacrilegious in any way. Lippmann is a pretty fast learner, so after a few lessons he could probably make a good sound for a beginner

-Takes you to violin concerts. Lippmann is rich and he wouldn’t mind spending every single dollar on you. And the violin concerts he takes you to are the best, where everybody dresses up formally and the music is just breathtaking

-He so would use a lot of violin and musician pickup lines on you. They make you blush a lot every single time, but when you start saying them back, that is the only time you would see Lippmann flustered. And I guarantee you that it is a sight to see

Rimbaud:

-Rimbaud was pleasantly surprised when he walks in on you practicing your violin. In fact, he may just stand in the corner while admiring your playing, not speaking so that he wouldn’t interrupt the flow of the music

-When you finished practising your piece, he slowly stepped forward with a small smile on his face. When you turned around you did get a little scare, but Rimbaud just told you how much he liked your playing

-He is very curious about the violin, but he won’t ask too much about it. So please tell him anything you know about the instrument, because Rimbaud loves hearing you talk. And he will remember whatever you say because it just reflects his love for you

-Rimbaud will be curious if you teach him about the violin. Despite how cold he always is and the fact that his fingers are constantly trembling, he’s actually very careful! Also puts a layer of subspace over your violin so that if it drops, it wouldn’t get harmed

-Play some French songs or pieces for him! He strikes me as the sentimental type, and if you played him something that he liked listening to when he was a child, you might even catch him softly humming along. I headcanon he might like Debussy because his pieces are just nice

-But that one time your violin string snapped and nearly hit you in your face, Rimbaud was so scared for you. Literally kept asking you if you were alright, while taking the violin out of your hands and tried to see if you were hurt anywhere. Definitely keeps an eye on the strings from now on to see which ones were close to snapping

-When you played him a nostalgic piece for his birthday, he nearly cried. Hug him and give him lots of love please

Verlaine:

-He is one smooth guy. I mean, he is the King of Assassins, so you definitely don’t hear or sense him when he walks into the room

-Verlaine was a bit surprised, but he smiles as he watches you practice your violin the whole time. When you finish practicing and put your violin down, you get the biggest scare of your life when you turn around

-He does chuckle a little, and says ‘who knew that mon amour was so talented at violin?’ But Verlaine will apologise for scaring you he better

-Now unlike Rimbaud, Verlaine does ask you questions about the violin. While he won’t go overboard with questions that he could find the answer of online, he will ask you about your experience with the violin as well. Verlaine loves it when your eyes light up with passion as you talk about your instrument; he thinks you look all the more attractive

-While you play your violin, Verlaine might sing along. It won’t sound weird or anything, because it is canon that his voice is ‘as graceful as a violin solo’, which means his voice sounds so fricking nice and goes well with your violin playing Rimbaud you lucky bastard

-But sometimes he would like to listen to your violin playing in comfortable silence. The tranquil melody helps him recollect his thoughts and sort out his feelings, not to mention Verlaine likes having a glass of wine while listening to you play

-I feel like Verlaine might know one or two things about the violin, but he’s never really played the instrument. So teach him! He is a fast learner, and when he plays he channels all of his feelings into it; his playing gives the piece a storm of emotions that only he alone could comprehend

-Definitely researches more into violin classical music. He appreciates art, and each time he hears you play he closes his eyes in appreciation. It soothes him and gives him a temporary peace in his always restless soul

-Will kiss your hands when you practice too much. Verlaine will gently scold you if you get callouses or small cuts, but he won’t stop you from playing. He just tells you to not overdo it, and even keeps track of your practicing sessions so that you wouldn’t practice too much Verlaine just let them practice their 40 hours lmao

@pixyys @pianotross @angolicious @the-mourning-stars @fi-nn-losofia @yuugen-benni @nekokinax @lakeside-paradise

#bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd storm bringer #bsd flags x reader #rimbaud x reader #verlaine x reader #paul verlaine x reader

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 1 year

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Hi Makenzie

I'm sorry for bothering you, but as I followed your blog for over a decade now and this is the first time I need to deal with questions around sexuality, it seemed to me like the best way to get good and trustworthy input was to ask you.

There's a lot of context to this, but the TL;DR is that I (a trans masc) used to staunchly believe I'm aroace (which I'm still not sure of that I'm not) until last month this person swaggered into my life and basically upended my understanding of myself by somehow making it so we're in a relationship together. That means that for the first time in 23 years I have to think about the downstairs equipment and, worse, use it.

Now, my partner is absolutely lovely, don't get me wrong, but I am very much not into sex at all. Or like, it's fun, but it's also a chore and while I like the intimacy of it all, I just... don't like sex. It's extremely painful and since my partner has been circumcised it takes so long to get them off (over 4 hours!), even on their own- the closest we've come to me being involved at all when they do is my letting them come in my mouth by some last-minute manouvering- and even so, after two times I physically cannot bring myself to do it again, which puts them off too.

I know one of your mottos is that orgasms aren't the end-all-be-all of sex, but it seems to be the only thing to make the whole ordeal worth it at all. It's like we're stuck in a feedback loop where I only put up with sex because I want them to enjoy themself, and they need to see me enjoy myself to enjoy themselves, but with them having a really hard time getting of and me being physically unable to (even on my own: I never feel anything, even if the muscle-spasms indicate something happened).

I'm very worried about the strain this will put on the relationship, since they told me on the very first day that they do need to get their rocks off, and while I'm fine with them watching porn to get off and the occasional comment that they would prefer me have the body of one of those actresses, I'm not secure enough in this whole relationship yet to just set them free sexually. Not in the least because a part of me doesn't want to lose the way our sexuality works atm. It's dysfunctional and painful, and there is practically no benefit to it at all, but it's fun having them so close. If only the rest of the deal didn't exist.

It's basically a lose-lose situation where I was wondering if you could tell me if I should be worried about the sheer amount of pain I experience with penetration (also with tampons: the two times I tried putting one in, I ended up crying on the bathroom floor because of the pain) and if you maybe have any advice regarding the rest of the whole shitshow.

Thanks in advance and have a nice day!

hi anon,

oh my god there's a lot to unpack here

before we get into the important stuff I just want to open by saying your partner's four hour plateau period is maybe not an outright medical marvel but is definitely unusual, and both scientific and anecdotal evidence indicate there's no particular reason why that should be linked to circumcision. I have no idea what would actually be causing that, but it's probably not a lack of foreskin! just wanted to point that out, because it's interesting.

anyway, and much more importantly: you two should not be having sex with each other and maybe need to just break up entirely.

literally every single thing about how you are talking about sex indicates to me that you don't want to be having it, you don't like it, it's painful, you don't see the point, you can't bring yourself to do it... literally stop doing it. stop that right now. there's literally nothing but trauma that's going to come from repeatedly forcing yourself into something that sucks this bad for you.

okay, so, where does this leave your partner? well, in grand sex witch style I am humbling suggesting that they either put up or shut up. sex is important to them and that's fine, wahoo yay sex, but they've chosen a partner who Does Not Want To Do Sex At All and that has consequences, namely that they do not get to have sex with that partner.

if you're uninterested in opening the relationship up (which is fine!) that means they either need to cope or y'all need to break up, which frankly sounds like it might be awesome for both of you based on everything you're saying here. no one is necessarily at fault here, but this is a major lack of compatibility that seems like it's only going to keep eating at both of you. there are lots of different ways to be intimate in a relationship, and you both deserve to find someone operating on a more similar frequency.

also, hey, this?

I'm fine with them watching porn to get off and the occasional comment that they would prefer me have the body of one of those actresses

you shouldn't be fine with that. talking about anyone's body like that is shitty, let alone an intimate partner. I would hit somebody with a car for that, personally.

also hey PS if tampons suck that much there's a chance you have vaginismus, a condition that causes the vaginal muscles to reflexively and often painfully tighten to prevent penetration. it's a fairly common condition that's often caused by anxiety or trauma, and in many cases the easiest solution is to Stop Putting Things In Your Vagina.

#sex edventures 2023

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blueberry-writer · 2 years

Note

(i don't think i asked this yet but i have a horrible memory so pls ignore this if i have T^T)

heyaa im here to haunt your ask box again hehe <3 TYSM FOR THE LITTLE SISTER HCS I LOVED THEM!! and honestly i cannot blame you about the trailer i got so excited about nikolai

I'd like to request the same (nikolai's little sister) but with her being comforted/looked after by nikolai, sigma and potentially fyodor if he's not to hard to write this for, after having been like taken for ransom/hurt by a group who's like enemies with the doa (her having been taken bc she's nikolai's sister so she's like a weak point)? and like they just got her back and the person comforting her having been the one to find her

shdhfjf thank you! you can change any bits up if you think something else would fit better im not too fussed, i just love hurt comfort xD

Notes: Heyyoo! haunt my ask box as much as you want, don’t worry😩🙌

Anyway, i’m so happy that you liked the hc’s!! I hope you will like this hc’s as well!💙

And for the trailer, i define myself as a nikolai simp

TW/CONTENT: fem!reader, hurt/comfort, platonic relationship, dark content??, sfw, pt.2 of reader as nikolai little sister , sigma,nikolai and Fyodor after nikolai’s lil sister!reader have been taken for ransom/hurt by a group who's enemies with the doa

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫

When he found out they took you hostage, I think his thoughts are divided into two sections: "bold of them to think that the doa will fall into their hands so easily" and "could they have already hurt her? I doubt it, they wouldn't dare stand against Nikolai's unpredictable mind... or mine"

surely he and Nikolai have already devised an infallible plan

Of course they will be able to save you without too much difficulty, I mean, hello?? doa is composed of masterminds and crime geniuses

But still, Fyodor’s gonna feel a little guilty and maybe get mad at himself

How did he not think about it before? It was logical that you would be the perfect hostage and anyway he had not thought of some suitable prevention

to avoid feelings of guilt at first he will be a little more gentle and 'relaxed' with you.

He will give you a few pat pat (I hope you understand what I mean) on your head and give you more attention I repeat, possible childhood crush energy

If you play your cards right, he might even take you for ice cream during his free time

Nikolai will be dramatically jealous that his little sister is spending more time with Fyodor than with him

from now on he will have a plan to protect you in every eventuality

Oh and after they have saved you he will probably be genuinely worried about you...i mean, in his own way

“oh my.. malýshka, don’t worry you’re safe now. They committed a grave mistake in underestimating the doa. I’ll never let them hurt you again”

𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐦𝐚

this man would feel SO guilty

At first he didn’t understand why their enemies should capture an innocent girl like you but after Fyodor figured out that maybe the enemies thought you were their weak point, he felt the world fall on him.

He thought it was all his fault because he actually showed himself to be very vulnerable at your side, I mean, you’re a child, of course he could feel comfortable with you-

And of course he’ll be part of the plan to save you

But once they save you, he’ll try to stay away from you

This behaviour is unusual on his part and you really were afraid that you had done something wrong

He’s just afraid that if he gets too close to you like before, new enemies will come along with bad intentions towards you

Every time he sees you feel bad because he has avoided you or he has responded coldly his heart breaks

That's why as soon as he sees that he has exaggerated so much to make you feel very bad or to make you cry, he will immediately lower himself to your height to comfort you.

He will hug you too, but only if you two are alone

He felt like a fool for not understanding everything that was causing you before, he just wanted to protect you and yet.......

Only then he did realize that being the little sister of an albino terrorist clown a dangerous criminal, you certainly can’t have many friends and maybe he is one of the few people you can trust.

“hey,hey i’m sorry!...gosh, i didn’t mean to make you cry..look at me, y/n please i’m sorry. I only wanted to protect you b-but now i’m here allright?”

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢

Someone want to go against the doa Nikolai by hurting his little sister? Well, THIS SOMEONE SERIOUSLY WANT’S TO DIE PAINFULLY

Of course he will come to save you but he will also take hostages of the enemy organization that has dared to kidnap you to obtain information and torture them heavily

He’s a good big bro isn’t him?

After saving you he’ll be more concerned about your health than you think

Nikolai can be a serious and responsible big brother if he want to, I believe in him

Unlike Sigma and Fyodor, he wouldn’t try to keep you hidden for a while making their enemies forget about your existence

on the contrary, he would try to make you have fun and forget about that bad event by taking you to the amusement park, the cinema or whatever place you want

you will spend great quality time together with your favourite big brother and also the only

If someone tries to annoy you or some enemy will try again to kidnap you while you are with him at the amusement park ( or the cinema etc..) this someone will find himself suffering the pains of hell😇

You’re probably one of the very few people that Nikolai really loves, for him you’re practically his family, you help his last slice of sanity, or rather, his humanity, to stay intact.

He wouldn’t let anyone hurt you, especially himself.

He will protect you at any cost

Oh and this man is also very good with words, surely he will comfort you once home

“Oww, my lil sis... did they dare to hurt you? Don’t worry, i will make them pay for all they did to you.”

That's it! i hope you liked you hc's!!💙

𝙧𝙚𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙙/𝙤𝙧 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙! 𝙊𝙝 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙠 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜<3

#bungo stray dogs manga #blueberry writer #x reader #bungo stray dogs #fyod or x y/n #platonic relationships #sigma x reader #nikolai gogol x reader #bsd fyodor #bsd sigma #bsd nikolai gogol #bsd anime #bsd manga #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs fluff #bsd fluff

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satanicspinosaurus · 6 months

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Being a millennial trans-masculine person is wild.

Like, I have spent the majority of my life being perceived as a girl or young woman. I have been affected by systematic misogyny. I cut my teeth on it and grew to oppose it. I leaned into everything that brought me joy society told me was “wrong” for me to like - being covered in mud, math, rough housing, being loud, being assertive.

I wore the word “bitch” like it was a crown, because every fucker who hurled it at me was basically saying “I cannot break you and I hate it”.

So imagine my shock when I finally found words and help to make my body into a home (not some place I was forced to reside, to try and decorate the hostile walls best I could) AND now it’s the queer community slinging mud at me for being masculine.

I have been told my medication is “poison” by cis and trans people. I have been told to sit down, shut up and let the unprivileged speak. (You know a whole 3 months on hormones when I was beating my head against the wall because my legal name was still my deadname and I was tired from trying to get the majority of society to use my actual name and pronouns.) I have now been told my struggle with bottom dysphoria sounds like a prank from a trans support space volunteer.

It’s funny to me that now, in trans spaces, my body is the measuring stick. The one you can make jokes about. The one you can compare, insult, belittle, treat like a curiosity. Once again, my pronouns (he/him) don’t always need to be respected. Once again, my emotions are not valid.

Geeeee why does this all feel so familiar????

Fuck that. My gender is rebellion. The way I express it has changed, because the way society perceives me has (thankfully) changed. Masculine people being kind, patient, soft and affectionate is often seen as “less than” and GUESS WHAT I am all those things too.

Part of being kind is calling people on their shit. You cannot do this to people and not expect some of them to break. I openly weep for the cis men I know because at least I had a childhood of being told my emotions were valid before having to deal with this. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to weather this without that. No wonder so many of you came to me crying one night. You told me people say they care and then turn around and hurt you for having emotions. Honestly, how are so many of you still here???

Like I am having a day trying to cope with this, and I am good at surviving shit. Right now, the kindest thing I can think of doing is giving myself space to process this and figure out how to talk about it without screaming.

I don’t have the privilege of yelling when people hurt me anymore. I might be scary.

#transmisandry #trans misandry #trans masc #ftm #queer community #lgbtq #Little tired of this shit tbh #Like I just want to be a big ol softie and enjoy life #Go yell at people abusing people #Instead of trying act like me liking the color blue is personally hurting you and ruining society #Stop trying to tell me the only good parts of me are the feminine ones #Shout out to butch lesbians #Y'all are rock stars and get it #like seriously #Butch lesbians have been so kind to me everytime I talk about this and I hope one day I have the chance to repay that #All I wanted to do today was try to cope with bottom dysphoria y'all #Now I guess it's time to address this

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machinesbleedtoo · 1 year

Text

Cluster B personality disorders are manageable, actually

it's always really awkward trying to explain to people how i manage antisocial + narcissistic personality disorder well. people have a really hard time wrapping their head around the concept that We Are People and like any disorder, we can manage it with help. there's this belief that if you're a narcissist or a psychopath you're unworthy of love and a lost cause, which is what made me a monster in the first place. other people kept telling me to just be empathetic, to stop being a dick, etc; i didn't know what that meant, and so i decided other people were the problem because they did nothing but explode at me for what i thought was no reason because no one helped me understand the reason. I was meant to just "know".

i was diagnosed retroactively at 20-fucking-7, when i'd started to work out how to live like a normal person (very patient and loving friends were to blame for that). when i was thirty years old, a psychiatrist said to me: "you obviously have feelings, what do they look like for you? how do they feel?" - i didn't know how to answer him. other people had convinced me i didn't have feelings for most of my life. which is part of why i was a callous bastard - it did not help then (but it does now for the most part) that i'm really good at compartmentalization. it took me a good number of years to know how to answer his question.

i have feelings, yes; we all do. we'd be dead otherwise. they're what drive us to act on things, and the neurotransmitters that work on emotions work on physical functions as well. this assumption about a person is not an excuse to abuse them. it's no excuse to treat them like a catharsis piñata. you could be a monster, too, under the same circumstances as i or anyone who has these disorders far worse than i do.

but it's really hard for me to read myself. it takes a lot more of a feeling for it to break the surface than is normal, and i was never taught to identify what a feeling is catered to my own uniqueness (something everyone should be afforded).

and i have a disconnect between physical and emotional reactions - i didn't think i felt disgust, because i don't get a visceral response to gross things. a lot of my emotions are just different shades of anger. if something disgusts me i get an angry "get the fuck away from me" feeling, i don't gag or whatever. it does set off my diagnosed OCD in some instances, which adds anxiety to the mix.

so i'd do things like be mega stressed and not feel it, then explode outwards like a neurotic control freak because i had no idea what my limits were. or how to solve the problem i was presently facing. i had to train myself to notice the signs in my thought patterns, rather than my body.

it turns out emotional empathy is based on context; how am i supposed to react "normally" to people when i don't know what "normal" is? i used to do some awful things to people when they were experiencing fear because i didn't understand it. i thought it was quaint. in the words of a friend, i was "sciencing the shit out of the situation." i didn't get answers or understand how people worked the healthy way, so i resorted to my own measures (which, of course, did not give me the answers i sought either.)

i have a hard time telling positive and negative emotions apart, which is good in some ways - i just let myself feel things. but the feelings last not very long. and are usually delayed. i'm unable to consent to things as a 34 year old adult normally, because when presented with something i don't care, which does not mean i want it. and because i don't care, i don't know it's a "maybe" at the time. when something bad happens to me it takes me a long time to even realize, and i can't purge it. this is my burden to bear - other people cannot read my mind. but a mental breakdown would be cathartic.

to deal with this botched brain of mine, i recognize it has strengths too. i raised a very well behaved cat, because i am more uncompromising than she is. and she is not afraid when i take her to the vet, because i am a source of emotional stability for her; i'm not reactive, so it calms her. i am able to Persist doing things that are unpleasant like trimming her ass hair, and she's allowed to vent - scratch, yell, bite - and i stay Null and it's over and she doesn't hide or run away because a) she was allowed to express the discomfort b) it was over quickly, which it wouldn't be if i let her carrying on make me stop the ordeal.

i am able to spot an anxious person from across the room. i was exploited a lot when i was young, and so it felt natural to exploit other people in vulnerable positions - something i mistakenly thought i was incapable of. i was always so good at spotting them with this predator brain of mine.

but i started to instead ask those people if they are okay. at first it felt insincere and bad and stupid because i wasn't Allowed to show care for other people, because psychopaths don't do that, because it's always mean spirited or fake when they do. but it became a habit. and it became normal. and it became a strength of mine. i do it because it's the right thing to do - i don't personally have to feel emotional about it for that to be real.

i am able to admit mistakes and apologize because i know when i need to, since my brain cycles through a narcissism spiral, and it's like -- bitch if you're reacting that severely you know you're wrong. it was another thing that sucked and felt insincere to begin with, but with practice it got easier. and with practice it caused me less discomfort. when my brain says arrogant things i respond with citation needed. my neuroscience education certainly helps with my perspective reorientation too.

i'm heavily medicated for these disorders + ADHD + OCD, which helps curb the anger and impulsiveness. i am really good at working with people now - these things being managed and my clinical nonplussed nature makes communication easy. i am able to de-escalate situations well, too.

i've had people apologize for crying, but i was so focused on listening to them i didn't notice - so they didn't have to feel bad about it. because i don't care that they're crying. i care about them. an intellectual sense of care is something everyone carries; it's what makes us choose to be patient, to listen, to mitigate the damage emotional reactivity can cause.

i have high cognitive empathy; i might not react to the emotional state of another person, but i know that my read on the situation will be inaccurate. so i simply ask them what they need, without assumption. this is something i wish more people were able to do. i get very uncomfortable with platitudes, personally - because i just can't relate to them at all and i feel pressured to Perform emotionally. that's just one example of different needs.

there's a lot more i could write about here - and i'm not really sure why i decided to write this now. i guess because the world is very painful lately, and these disorders get used as insults, as armchair diagnoses of people we don't like. there's a myriad of ways to be an asshole. maybe don't contribute to the problem of neglect that creates monsters like the one i could have become.

i am no longer 'a psychopath' because i no longer score on the checklist. but i carry these disorders with me, and i will forever, and i'm grateful that there were people in my life despite it all that loved me anyway.

a disclaimer:

i'd hazard against self-diagnosing these things; you might be on the autism spectrum (most of my close friends are, because we compliment eachother quite well in how our brains work), or have psycopathy-like traits during manic episodes, or have a lack of empathy because of apathy. you might have alexithymia from other causes. etc. i was assessed by both a psychiatrist with a criminology degree and one specializing in personality disorders.

#psychopath #aspd #actually npd #mental health

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thereallad64 · 3 months

Text

As you all know by now, I was stupid enough to post the shittiest take known to man regarding a certain Super Bowl ad, without doing even a minute of actual research or even watching the fucking Super Bowl itself. I have no excuse for that behaviour.

Not that long ago, for four hours, I let myself become a mindless fucktoy of the ‘totally not nazis’ antisemitic assholes. Those few hours were enough for me to spout the dumbest, most bigoted shit and watch it spread to all the other assholes. How pathetic of me.

There’s a lot of ways to describe the person I was when I posted that. A mindless moron, a parrot, a fucking idiot who can’t think for himself. These are quite accurate.

I may have admitted I was wrong and made attempts to fix what I started, but what I did cannot be undone.

Of course, there’s the assholes that took that bigoted conspiracy that I spouted and liked and reblogged it as ‘truth’, thus allowing it to spread to over a thousand notes…and still counting. They have given me a voice that I didn’t fucking deserve. I can’t tell if those people believe the same shit I did out of ignorance (like myself) or outright intentional malice. Even the bigoted asshole me from only a few days ago hated that it would be the most popular post before he even posted it.

I already said this before, but I do want to genuinely thank everyone who spoke up against the shit I mindlessly posted. The people who are trying to stop assholes using the Isreal/Palestine conflict to justify antisemitism deserve the attention that I got. Seriously, thank you for making me think for myself.

After the whole incident, I have looked at various perspectives from both sides of the conflict on tumblr. While I consider myself somewhat better informed, I don’t have all the answers. It’s hard to believe anyone on social media, because you never know if they’re just lying just to pressure you into joining a side without second thoughts.

So, what now?

To repeat, it’s impossible to undo the shit that I’ve caused. All of the following posts where I admitted I was wrong and absolutely fucking stupid will never get as much attention as glorified hate speech.

I despise how much attention I got for being an ignorant asshole, but deleting the post altogether feels too cowardly.

I’m completely open to suggestions on what I could do, as long as it doesn’t involve demanding the death of one side while ignoring the immoral actions of the other. But for now, I have considered taking a long break from the hellhole that is modern social media. People think too highly of themselves to ever consider themselves wrong or to listen to anyone who may disagree with them.

Before all of this, I had promised myself that I wouldn’t mention the conflict on my tumblr page. Is that selfish? Maybe. But after letting myself be controlled by YouTube rage-bait and bigoted idiots, it would’ve been better.

Fuck the Earth.

Edit (March 2nd 2024): I somewhat mentioned this in the first of several apologetic posts, but I was only aware of the ad about the hostages and never knew that the #StopJewishHate ad even existed when I made the original post. Still, it doesn’t really make that post any better or justified as I was still ignoring the suffering of actual people.

#social media #social justice #politics #palestine #isreal #antisemitism #gaza #tumblr

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