Kiss Me in Komorebi+ 🌸

[Ep. 16] The Beach Episode Spa Arc

[ Part 9 of 15 ] 🌹

@bionibots

Okay Mt in a straitjacket and a muzzle but it's so tir he can barely speak. Though instead of being creator, it's a asylum. Maybe write it in a way that is like- very imagery?

If you're the same anon that sent the other straitjacket prompt then I apologize if I misunderstood and the other wasn't up to your liking.

I've been wanting to try my hand at imagery through words.

Additional notes:

Subject continues to show violent and even suicidal behaviors, this isn't very uncommon among individuals with illnesses this extreme. Security reported hearing crashing and banging sounds coming from the subjects cell late at night, upon inspection subject was found on the ground bleeding from the cranial area, blood was also found on the eastern wall along with a few dents. Subject was stable and was taken to the medical ward immediately, transfer to a padded cell and use of a straitjacket and muzzle is highly suggested.

- T

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He was shoved into the bright white room harshly, he stumbled and fell over as he heard the door shut and lock behind him.

He'd been in a perpetual panic ever since he'd gotten here...how long ago?

He didn't even know why he was there in the first place, he just came to being transported through the bright and cold halls of this place in restraints.

The restraints he CURRENTLY wore had squeezed him so tight he thought he'd cave in on himself, he tossed, turned and thrashed to do anything, even loosen the damn thing up a little bit.

Eventually he couldn't even do that anymore, he could just lay curled up on the soft, padded floor shivering violently.

He couldn't, nor did he even want to, begin to describe the things he'd seen. His vision was always dim and contorted, someone would seem normal one second and then their features would contort in impossible ways and any move they made would set off a terrified reaction from him.

But at least then, he could do something about it. Here, he was lost, helpless and alone.

Is this it? Nonono I can't live like this I...I CANT. I CANT...!

Rooney...? Where are you...? I'm having a horrible nightmare and I CANT WAKE UP

He tried to scream, and yet nothing could be heard outside of the cold steel door.

And still he tried, he kept trying until he had no voice to scream with. He felt like his throat was closing up.

The door opened and he looked up with the vague hope at seeing salvation, only to scuttle back at the nightmare that just entered his prison.

It approached him slowly and deliberately as MT back into a corner and brought his legs up to his chest, panic and fear very visible on the small visible surface areas of his face.

It got close, making noises that were incomprehensible.

If I close my eyes it'll think I'm dead if I close my eyes it'll think I'm dead if I close my eyes it'll think I'm dead...

He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping the noises and all the sounds would just cease.

Instead his eyes shot back open at the sensation of something piercing the side of his neck.

He struggled more and tried to kick the thing away, he tried to scream again but all that came out was barely audible rasp.

I..I'm dying...I can't die here...

His breaths came out deep yet shallow at the same time and his head drooped down, he looked back up and his vision had cleared up. Instead of a nightmarish entity he saw someone with a light blue coat walking away from him before exiting the room, closing the door behind him.

The corners of his vision began to dim, and he found himself in quite a predicament.

He looked down to see himself in an almost ghost like form, his arms being nearly transparent.

Looking forwards, he saw what he was seeing, he was seeing out of his own eyes but it'd been blocked by something.

Looking behind him he saw an endless darkness, endless yet comforting, whispering many tantalizing promises of peace and salvation.

Instead of giving in, he turned back to where he saw reality playing like an old film.

He began striking his fists against whatever barrier was between him and reality before it shattered and he was in control of his actions once again.

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Additional notes:

Subject appears to show erratic spats of paranoia, panic and terror. Dr M tried to approach the subject and he scuttled away into the southeast corner of his cell convulsing violently and breathing erratically. I myself attempted to communicate with the subject earlier today but only shut his eyes while whimpering, I then administered a sedative. After about 10 minutes the subject had ceased their convusions before slipping into a temporary catatonic state.

- T

P.S: perhaps the idea of a muzzle wasn't a good one, I spotted traces of blood on the edges of the subjects mouth. Furthermore when I administered the sedative via injection he attempted to scream but it only came out as a painful-sounding rasp.

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The cycle continued for so long...

The only time he could get any sort of rest was when he fainted from hyperventilation.

He waited day after day in anxiety for when these...things were finally gonna kill him.

After all he'd requested it many times....

Why was he even here anyways?

That question was the one that scared him the most, no matter how much the question nagged at him in the back of his head his gut always told him he didn't want to know the answer.

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Additional notes:

Subject is beginning to show visible confusion as to where he is, or more likely, why he's here. It isn't rare for patients illnesses to begin affecting their memory. It remains to be seen whether it's safe to tell him or not.

- T

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He began piecing it together bit by bit.

It all started in his home PC...at least the thinks it was his home PC.

The environment seemed familiar but whenever he saw the place in a flashback he'd get an overwhelming feeling of dread.

He saw 2 sticks that he'd known a long time, and only one of them invoked a feeling of love and trust.

And that stick was just killed right in front of him.

"Rooney!"

He heard himself scream and his body practically fell in slow motion.

And now the person who killed Rooney was coming to kill him too.

But instead, he snapped and the flashback ended there.

He blinked back into his new, cruel reality of how trapped he was...

Of how fucked he was.

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Additional notes:

Subject seemed to be in a trance like state, and upon interaction showed no reaction to his surroundings.

Further observation is required.

- T

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An unknown amount of time later and he'd started to piece the terrifying past back together in full.

He'd seen the stick that'd killed Rooney, a sick and bitter satisfaction filled when as he looked at his mangled, unrecognizable corpse.

He'd seen himself let off an explosion that destroyed the desktop they'd been on before heading into what looked like a city...

Next thing he knew, he was at the heart of the city in a main road surrounded by now burning buildings.

He looked down and around to see what appeared to be an ocean of bodies.

He breath sped up while he waded through all the broken, bloody, lifeless scorched bodies, looking around in horror.

He saw a figure down the road who appeared to be on his knees, his shoulders heaved from the violent breaths he was taking in.

He approached the stick and spotted his blackened and burnt features going all the way up his back.

He inched closer to the distressed figure and when the figure turned around his mind shattered at what he saw.

It was himself...

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Additional notes:

Subject was found in a trance like state once again, similar to the incident last month. Dr. M Had gone in to administer sedatives and found him laying on his back staring up at the ceiling. The subject was reported to have been shaking his head violently and uttering what sounded like "no" over and over again. Dr. M immediately exited the cell.

These symptoms could be a side effect of the patients current conditions, but my current suspicion is that the patient is experiencing flashbacks.

- T

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It couldn't have been him...

From that point forward the small remnants of his mind that were intact had shattered completely, he'd hear screams of agony, begging for life only to be extinguished.

Sometimes he'd even find himself back at the scene, not as the perpetrator, but as one of the victims.

All those innocent people...

He remembered seeing red at the time, he remembered the panic as he believed them to be out to kill him, he remembered when he snapped back into reality and broke down before waking up in this prison.

He'd begged to be killed, to be hurt, anything that could take away the overwhelming guilt and mind breaking grief that overwhelmed him day in and day out.

The gaps in his memory had began to increase in length and frequency as well.

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Additional notes:

Subject has shown an alarming increase in suicidal behavior and tendencies.

Whether this is related to the incident or some kind of sick, masochistic fetish (most likely the former) remains to be seen for certain.

In any case my earlier suspicions were confirmed true, he's been here nearly 3 years now and hadn't ever shown this type of behavior before he began having those "trances".

Within the past few months, the subject would be found curled on the ground or in a corner wheeping and blabbering nonsense, these episodes have increased in frequency drastically.

Speaking out of code for these reports, I'm beginning to belive this whole venture was meaningless.

- T

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It's gotten so out of control.

He couldn't even think straight now.

All the guilt and anger and despair...it was overwhelming.

Until one day he found himself in the predicament once again.

He saw through his own eyes but this time he didn't break the barrier down to go back to reality.

Instead he turned around towards the darkness, walked through and never looked back.

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Termination notice:

Patient has been trapped in a catatonic stupor for over six months now, he's nearing his 4th year here.

Patient is completely unaware and shows no reaction to his surroundings or to verbal interaction. Moreover the patient is showing no signs of progress or recovery, as expected given his current state.

It would appear that the patient has reached his limit and retreated fully into his own mind, a sad but not uncommon situation patients with simlar conditions find themselves in.

In conclusion, there is nothing more to be gained from this little venture as once again, the patient is unable to cognitively function.

Immediate euthanization of the subject is suggested and heavily encouraged, it's what he would've wanted.

- T

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Bad ending

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I hope this one had enough imagery, it's been a bit since I've written anything cuz I've admittedly been slacking off.

I took a more twisted route for this story, since you obviously need to do something bad to end up in a psyche ward.

hey, i was wondering if you could write a fic about will coming out to el and being super upset about it, but el not knowing what being gay is and when will like hysterically explains it to her she has a epiphany where she’s like, i think i like girls

will and el best siblings mwah

also sry for how long this took, getting a year older makes me go into crisis mode lmao i can't even begin to count how many times I started and stopped writing this

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Synopsis: Will comes out to El. She has a few questions.

Hurt/Comfort, Fluff

Extra Info: They're in California so this is set between seasons 3 and 4 but El and Mike aren't together, pretend them split bc long distance is difficult or smt idk, Mention of elmax, I also used a very binary way of explaining 'gay' and 'lesbian' but i do 100% support nonbinary lesbians/gay people as i am one lol it was just a bit easier to have it explained that way to Eleven

Warnings: Homophobia, Getting outed (I didn't feel comfortable putting any slurs so don't worry about those if they make you uncomfortable as well)

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This was really Will's worse nightmare. Having so many eyes on him, some with amusement, some with shock, most with disgust was something out of a horror film.

He trudged down the hall of his home in California, hoping to find solace in his room after the day he's had. Jonathan tried to get him to speak on the ride home from school but got nothing more than mumbles and sniffles from the boy.

Will shed his shoulders of his backpack before falling on his bed face first, not caring that he was still wearing his clothes from the day, and smothering his face in his pillow as he finally let the sob rip through him.

There's no word or expression in the english language, maybe any language for that matter, that can begin to describe how terrible this day was.

How the laughs of his classmates reverberated around his head.

The look of humiliation on his face.

The red of his vision from anger.

God, he'd never been so angry.

Never felt so betrayed.

Or humiliated.

And a million other emotions he'd never be able to place.

But he couldn't show that. He'd already made enough of a fool of himself. Thinking he could trust anyone with a secret like that. Will didn't know how he would be able to show his face at that school again on Monday.

But for now, he laid on his bed, trying to muffle his agonizing sobs as best he could from his family.

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Eleven had sat quietly the entire car ride home, not fully understanding what had happened that day. She couldn't find Will at school for a majority of the day and when she saw him in the car, he looked half dead, like he was going to cry so hard his soul would leave his body. When he did speak, very rarely, his voice cracked like it was full of sand. Eleven had offered her water to Will to wash it down but he declined, saying he wasn't thirsty.

To say she was confused was an understatement. To say she was heartbroken for her brother was another. Eleven knew how to physically protect the people she loved, she did it when it was necessary while she had her powers, and she'd do it again in a heartbeat without them. But emotionally, she didn't know much about the world yet to truly understand the gravity of some situations.

She'd heard the whispers about Will, but didn't know what they meant. Most people moved away from her today and so she only caught bits and pieces.

"I can honestly see it."

"Do you see the way he acts?"

"I knew there was something wrong about that guy."

Wrong? Eleven could never look at either of her brothers as something wrong, no matter what. When she looked at Jonathan, she saw a caring older brother who worked hard to provide support for the people he loved. She saw him as the person who put a blanket over you when you fall asleep on the couch. Someone who will wrap you up and tell you everything will be okay eventually.

When she looked at Will, she saw nothing less than the most selfless person she'd ever meet. She saw him as the one light source in a dark hallway. She saw a person with a big heart threatening to burst at even the slightest prick because THAT'S just how much he loves people. Someone who would give the whole world to the people he loves no matter the cost. He loves with his whole being, never just a part.

And so it hurt her beyond anything to see him like this.

When they arrived home, she nearly sprinted to follow him up to his room but Jonathan wrapped his hand gently around the crook of her arm, shaking his head and letting out a sigh.

"Give him a second to calm down."

Eleven nodded before following Jonathan to the kitchen to do a bit of her homework and wait for Will to cool down a bit.

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When Will finally pried his face away from his pillow, he looked out the window to find the sun had already set before turning to his clock and groaning at the time he'd spent crying.

God, that's so pathetic, he told himself.

A quiet knock at his bedroom door caused him to quickly whip his head over to the other side of his bed. He sighed before getting up, wiping his eyes and looking in the mirror to see his disheveled hair which he quickly patted down, and moving to his door. He paused for a second, reaching for the door nob but never truly getting there.

"Will?" Eleven spoke softly. "Are you awake? Are you there?"

Will sighed, putting his forehead onto his door.

"Yeah," his voice cracked. "I'm... I'm here."

"Can you open the door, please? I have something for you."

Will smiled softly at his sister's earnest and hopeful voice before finally reaching for the door nob and turning it.

What he saw made him nearly burst into tears again, but for a good reason.

Eleven had 2 small plates with cupcakes on them in each hand, a soft smile on her face.

"Hi," she said, still using a soft voice.

"Hi."

"May I?" Eleven gestured with her cupcake platters into the room. Will moved slightly to let her in before shutting the door behind her.

Eleven handed one plate to Will, which he took with shaky hands, and set it down on his desk. Eleven frowned at this before placing her's down as well.

She moved towards Will with determination and before Will could protest or even realize what was truly happening, she was hugging him with her arms around his neck, on her tip toes due to their height difference.

It took him a second to reciprocate from shock but eventually his hands encircling her waist and his face finding a place in between her neck and shoulder.

He was sobbing again before he even realized he was crying. Eleven didn't say a word, just held him tighter as Will's arms squeezed her as well.

When his sobs soon diminished to hiccups, she still didn't let go.

"Will?"

She received a hum in response.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

He shakily sighed, took a breath, and began to speak. Messily at first, voice cracking from his scream sobs into his pillow earlier, but soon evening out.

"I had told him this secret a little bit ago. He... He seemed like the only person who I could trust with a secret like that. But... I was wrong. So, SO wrong. He told basically the whole school, right in front of me. No one stopped him, or told him to shut up. I... It was like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I just ran. To the bathroom."

"What was the secret?"

At this Will moved a bit away to look her in the eye. "You... You don't know?"

Eleven tilted her head almost like a curious dog. "No. No one told me. They just whispered and looked away."

"Oh god."

At this he moved back to their previous position and started to cry again.

"I didn't even think about you! I'm so sorry, El!"

"What? Will, no, it is okay! Why are you apologizing to me? They are the ones being... assholes."

Will chuckled through his small sobs at this. El barely swore, other than saying "bitchin'" which she learned last year, so the sentiment was nice.

"I know, I know, it's just... this secret. It's REALLY big for people that are... different. Like... me different. And it can affect their family and friends if other people know."

"Well, I'm different, too, Will."

"No, no I mean a... different kind of different."

"I don't think I understand wha-"

"I'm gay, El."

At this, more sobs ripped through Will as Eleven stood even more confused. She'd never heard of 'gay' and certainly not in the context of her brother. But for now, all she knew was that she needed to comfort him.

"Well, if you are gay, then it is not something bad, right? You can not be something bad, Will. Not to me. No matter what."

"You... You don't know what that means, do you?"

"Um... no?"

Will pulled away from the hug again and rubbed his eyes before grabbing a tissue and blowing his nose. He looked down at his hands, playing with his fingers before talking.

"It... it basically means when you like someone that's the same... gender as you."

"So... you are a boy that likes boys?"

Will looked to the side, took a deep breathe, hiccuped, and then looked Eleven in the eye.

"Yes, I do."

"Oh."

There was a pause before Eleven spoke again.

"So, if I liked girls, I would also be gay?"

"Yes, Eleven. Or you could call it being a lesbian if you only liked girls. There's different terms for different things."

"Oh."

Another pause, the only thing being heard being Will's sniffles and hiccups until he spoke again.

"Um... Why... Why do you ask?"

Eleven didn't respond, seeming to be deep in thought for a moment.

"And why do people see gay as bad?" She finally said.

"I guess some religions tell people it is. Some people see it as unnatural. Or dirty. I don't know, I'm not them so I don't really understand why."

Eleven hummed at that.

"Well, if my brother is gay, then it can't be all of those things," Eleven speaks, softly smiling at Will, who smiles back.

"Thank you, El."

El looked confused. "For what?"

"Being you."

"I do not know how to be anyone else," she laughs.

"Good."

Eleven looks down at her shuffling feet suddenly before starting to talk again.

"Will, how did you realize you were... gay?"

"Uh... well... I don't really know. I kind of just always knew I didn't like girls. But I really knew when I got a crush... on a boy... in middle school."

"Okay."

"Is there something you need help understanding, El?"

Hesitantly, El replies, "If... I were to have a crush on a girl... would that mean I am gay? Even if I did not know before?"

"Of course, El. Some people don't realize it until much later in life. Do you have a crush on a girl?"

El's cheeks light up like Rudolph's nose as she shrugged. "I dunno, maybe?"

Will chuckled, his hiccups having finally subsided. "Mind if I ask who?"

"Max..."

"Well then Eleven, I think that makes you a little bit gay." The siblings chuckled at this and Eleven picks her head up to look Will in the eye.

"But, I thought I really liked Mike when we were dating."

"You can like multiple genders. Or it could've been compulsary."

"Com-pul-sa-ry?"

"Sorry, it means like... you felt like you had to do it. Because it's what people tell you you should do."

"Oh... that makes sense now."

"You don't have to decide your label right now, or ever. But, from what I'm gathering, you like girls?"

Eleven inhaled deeply before responding, "Yeah. Yeah I think I do..."

"That's great, El."

The siblings smiled at each other before hugging once more. After pulling apart, they each reached for a cupcake, taking a bite, and talking for a bit longer.

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Supportive Sister Eleven and Big Loving Brother Will my loves <3

Again, so sorry about how long this took but I tried to make it a bit longer with more dialogue :] Have a good day homie <3

Episode 8 is one hella packed episode and it is an absolute joy to unpack it, beginning with this:

Clever, clever idea to have Ji-Woo repeat the line that Mi-Joo just said to indicate Ji-Woo is taking charge of things as far as Assemblyman Ki is concerned. It's also a good reminder of how tone and intent can change the meaning of a sentence even if the words are exactly the same (which is why we need good translators).

Seeing Mi-Joo stride across the screen with Seon-Gyeom behind her, it struck me that we've seen a variation of this many times before, beginning with the credit titles. While Seon-Gyeom is the sprinter, the one we see constantly trying to up the pace and charge ahead is Mi-Joo. She's always intent on moving ahead faster — perhaps to outrun the past that she finally makes peace with during the marathon? — while Seon-Gyeom moves at a slower pace, disentangling himself from the constraints of his troubled past and troubling father. The only one time we see him race ahead (in episode 2), we also see him come back and slow down.

What I particularly love about Park Shi-Hyun's writing is that in addition to all the layers and complexity she's written into the scenes and characters, she's also written a very, very funny show.

Both Shin Se-Kyung and Kang Tae-Oh do such a fantastic job with both the physical humour (without being over-the-top) and the timing that's needed to play up the wit in the dialogues. Not that Siwan and Soo-Young do a bad job — the scene in which Dan-Ah proposes to Seon-Gyeom is hilarious. My favourite is still May, who is very funny throughout this episode (the shot in which we learn she sleeps with her eyes open! GOLD).

The transitions in this episode are so well written. The insights from one scene ricochet off the next. For example, Dan-Ah in the scene at the bar — where she tells the bartender she can't risk keeping the book in her own study because she can't risk people guessing she has anxieties — gives us a look at the problems of the privileged. This is followed by a scene in which Yeong-Hwa and Mi-Joo discuss student debts, which is a relatable middle-class problem. This in turn is followed by Tae-Woong saying that he takes selfies because he's addicted to the validation he gets from the likes each of those photos gets him — a Gen Z problem. And so it is that we get a spectrum of problems that people face and hide behind performative façades.

The likes that Tae-Woong talks about pop up with manic frenzy at the end of the heartbreaking scene with Dan-Ah in the parking lot, presenting the viewer with a terrible contrast — driving away from him is the love and acceptance that he yearns for from a sister who (he hopes) knows him. All he has to hold on to is the superficial attention of the love professed by a fandom that doesn't really know him at all. Soo-Young's performance is fantastic in this scene, especially when she asks in a voice tinged with desperation why Tae-Woong keeps coming back to her despite her treating him so badly. For the first time, you realise how much it takes out of her to lash out at this desperately-sad boy. "It takes effort to hate someone," Tae-Woong tells her. My heart!

Another fantastic set of transitions comes later on in the episode, when Mi-Joo and May are unwinding at the end of a long day at the film shoot.

This is such a great example of writing inter-generational female friendships. When May remembers not being paid for working overtime, it's an acknowledgement that things are better for working women (especially in film) than it was before, but as Mi-Joo's experiences show, there's still a lot to be done because women are still driven by a certain insecurity and anxiety to push themselves way too hard (as we see a sick Mi-Joo do later in the episode).

Of course a man tries to break this gathering up — because he wants to go to bed. Superb excuse, particularly because these women are talking how much they have to work — and it is deeply satisfying to watch all three of them shut him down and establish their right to unwind.

This scene of female friendship is followed by one that shows the friendship between the three runners. Then we get to see a fight scene full of male actors. The machismo of that performance is a sharp contrast to the awkward tenderness of Woo-Sik and Yeong-Il's conversation.

While on the subject of toxic masculinity, this is the episode in which we find out Dan-Ah's father forged Myeong-Min's birth certificate to make him legally older than Dan-Ah even though he's actually 10 months younger than her. All to ensure he has a male heir. It's a nice detail that Myeong-Min's mother is the one laying out the memorial service for Dan-Ah's mother because it hints at a sense of solidarity.

Also dismantling traditional notions of masculinity is Seon-Gyeom, whom we see at his most domestic as he cooks and packs meals for May and Mi-Joo, and does chores around the house once they're gone. It's very much an inversion of the standard male-female gender roles with the woman going out to work and the man as the homemaker. To underscore this point, we see Seon-Gyeom consider the leopard-print shirt (that May and Mi-Joo hang to give strangers the impression they've got an alpha in the house) for a second before putting it away.

Speaking of alphas, Mi-Joo's really got a thing for wild cats. In addition to that shirt, her blanket is also a leopard-print and when we see her calling Seon-Gyeom, she's standing in front of a painting of a tiger. All these seem to be digs at her posturing that she's strong and invulnerable and I burst out laughing when Seon-Gyeom folds the leopard-print blanket while muttering, "I'd have guessed this is hers even if she hadn't told me."

As disinterested as Seon-Gyeom may be in films, they play a big role in sustaining him emotionally. In this episode, it's the film set that helps Mi-Joo and him come together after their stupid disagreement. Equally importantly, the film set is where he gets the time and space to reconnect with his mother.

Run On has so much fun being meta with the film bits. The film shoot within a drama is indeed an old fake.

There are two film sets we see in this episode — one with Ji-Woo and the other with Mi-Joo. While Ji-Woo's set feels relaxed, the one Mi-Joo's working in is chaotic and taxing. The two women are also at different ends of the professional spectrum. Ji-Woo is a star while Mi-Joo is not just working behind the scenes, but she's come to fill in for the person who was the juniormost member of the crew.

When pointing out the main players of their film crew to Mi-Joo and May, Hui-Jin describes the cinematographer as "a bit racist, but still a gentleman". (Mi-Joo's response is superb: "Weird.") It's an interesting choice to make the cinematographer racist because that's the crew member who decides how subjects and scenes will be framed. "Racist but a gentleman" feels like a precise summary of the orientalist perspective which (aside from being overwhelmingly masculine) shows the East through stereotypes that are often superficially beautiful, but also reductive and damaging. Not surprisingly, this cinematographer is the reason Mi-Joo flounders while translating on set.

The film set is also the first time that Seon-Gyeom sees Mi-Joo's vulnerable side when she falls ill. It's such a clever choice to have Mi-Joo stop performing in a setting that's all about performances. Not only does Mi-Joo give up the alpha act when she's sick, she admits to Seon-Gyeom that when she's feeling helpless, her instinct is to resort to a performative lie — calling out for mom because that's what she saw other kids do as a child in a sick ward (imagine how isolated and neglected she must have felt to do this. Also, she's felt this way so many times that this performance has become second nature to her).

The anecdote suggests Mi-Joo's mulish championing of her self has its roots in past incidents when she tried to fit and either failed or was rejected. And yet, for all her strength and confidence, she's chasing phantoms and has been doing so since she was a little girl. All because she was alone and didn't have anyone she could reach out to for help. Which is why what Seon-Gyeom tells her at the end of the episode is so relevant. He helps her to reorient.

To which Mi-Joo, bless her leopard-print-loving heart, responds with

But my favourite part of this episode is the conversation that Ji-Woo has with Seon-Gyeom when he visits her set. First of all, Ji-Woo is playing a "vegan murderer", which is brilliant as ideas go and it's adorable how delighted she is about her violent roles.

I love how Run On doesn't punish Ji-Woo for sacrificing her family life for her work. Instead, it holds out the possibility that it is ok if you have that imbalance. In this scene, we see Ji-Woo's family reforming at the film set with Eun-Bi sending the coffee truck and Seon-Gyeom showing up just because Ji-Woo asked him to be there.

The mother-son conversation gives us a glimpse of Seon-Gyeom's bleak childhood and we learn that everything Seon-Gyeom did for his father was actually him doing what his mother had asked him to do. It comes as a surprise to Seon-Gyeom that his mother has noticed what he's suffered and that she understands how he'd hoped silently suffering would keep the family together. It's almost as though he's feeling seen for the first time.

Much like Dan-Ah, Ji-Woo may seem self-centred because of her ambitiousness, but she does notice what's happening beyond the obvious, especially when it comes to people she cares about. Both women are up against the worst of patriarchy. Also, I love that when she's talking about motherhood, Ji-Woo is blood-spattered — after all, being a working woman and a mother in a patriarchal is nothing short of fighting a war.

In previous episodes, it seemed as though Ji-Woo was the 'bad' (or at least not ideal) mother while Director Dong was the ideal, modern mother. Yet in comparison to how Director Dong later reacts to her son coming out, you can't help but feel Ji-Woo, with her unconditional support for her kids, might just be the better parent. What is great about Run On though is that that the script doesn't pit the two older women against each other as competing examples of motherhood or femininity. The point is that everyone's struggling, making mistakes and trying to learn from them. Ji-Woo is doing that and so will Director Dong eventually.

Love that the scene ends with Seon-Gyeom effectively declaring himself his mother's son. Take that, patriarchy.

Sanditon Season 2: all the news & my thoughts

So, we're getting not one but two new seasons of Sanditon! After a year of tremendous effort on behalf of the Sanditon sisterhood who kept the fandom alive, we'll be looking at a new season. Although I think the biggest thank you probably goes out to Bridgerton, which showed that romance, regency, a diverse cast and butts are a perfect mix to lure audiences.

I want to take this moment to reflect on what I think we'll win, what we'll lose and what we can expect in the future.

1. No Sidlotte HEA

This is probably the most heartbreaking salty news we could get. But I know Theo James, he likes new projects. And after divergent's disaster, I can't blame the boy for not wanting to hang onto another franchise. As a fanfic writer, although mainly an Esther/Babington one, I broke my head for over a year on how to get Sidlotte together. I had to imagine the grandest schemes to get them together. Tom needed 10 000 pounds in less than a month. Even Babington was probably not worth that much. That's over 6 million in today's money if adjusted to inflation. Regency era's England's top 1-2% made that in a full a year, and most of that is probably in assets and investments. And they don't just get to keep that money, most used a good chunk of it to keep their estates running and to pay their staff. Anyone know someone who has a casual 6 million lying around?

There's only two realistic solutions: either have Eliza die: which would be cruel and take years (unless you kill her in childbirth 9 months in), or create a grand scheme that would take months and see Sidney, Crowe and Babington actively work hard on their 'business' while in the meantime Charlotte, Lady Denham and Lady Susan get everyone including the prince regent to come to Sanditon. I kind of accepted they would have a hard time getting out of that plot twist. It was likely that Sidlotte could not be endgame.

Personally, I never felt a strong connection to Sidlotte, and had hoped that Charlotte, like Jane Bennet, would go to London with Lady Susan to recover from her heartbreak, and I kind of hoped James Stringer would eventually go down there for his apprenticeship, where a sort of Captain Wentworth-like situation would come to exist where he is a young man trying to make something of himself. I know Charlotte didn't love him. But I also knew that Charlotte wanted adventure and perhaps needed to grow as a person. But in the new season she'll probably be a bit jaded, closed off, and depressed. And will probably need a softer more available man. Growing up goes with swinging to extremes. She was an open optimist at the beginning, and eventually turned to the opposite, not letting her emotions shine through and being very guarded (@miss-holly-goes-lightly did a wonderful post on this). Adulthood is finding a good balance again.

So while I am saddened, because this brings along a long set of questions like: "Does Sanditon still take place in Sanditon then?" "Where will Sidney live, will he then live in London with his wife?" "Why doesn't he come help his brother the next season or visit his family, as we know Tom will make a mess of things" The show will have to answer these questions in a believable manner.

2. No Beaufort twins

Mollie Holder said on her instagram that the Beauforts wouldn't be returning. This leads to quite a few questions like: where will Georgiana stay then? What will be happening to Mrs. Griffiths? Will Georgiana be her sole ward while the Beaufort's absence is explained as them having married or having become governesses?

3. Who remains aboard

Rose Williams is definitely on board. It's also pretty certain Tom will be there again. Lady Denham is also likely to return. The child actors and their parents were willing, but worried about their increasing age a few months back. Old Stringer said he'd have loved to be part of Sanditon again and to see it continue, but he's well... dead on the show so he won't return. So who will join Charlotte?

Leo Sutter might not return. He plays an important role in the next spin-off of vikings. Vikings has a new season each year. On top of that he's currently busy recording Gateway 6. We don't know how long that might take. And perhaps by the time filming ends he's required for the next season of the Walhalla series. Leo Sutter is a rising star, he might not even have the time to return. Especially for two seasons. At his age and point in his career, he needs to cement his name, or he'll remain b-list while he has a-list potential. So he might have to give up Sanditon for his career. It's sad, I'd love a Stringer/Charlotte future where they both grow to being suitable for each other while becoming people confident in their own abilities. But in the end, I would be alright with it, as Charlotte didn't express immediate interest in him. Writing him out would also be fairly easy, they could just write that despite thinking he had to stay home after his father's death, he went to London in the end under Charlotte's encouragement. Perhaps he could then come back for a guest appearance.

Crystal Clarke will reprise her role as Georgiana. Clarke has, since Sanditon, spoken out about the sometimes tone-deaf director and scriptwriters. She had to step in a few times to make sure Georgiana was done justice. She also said she hoped Georgiana, if the show was continued, would get the space to breathe and be independent, instead of playing a minor role as token black friend of Charlotte while under the control of Sidney. It will be complex to have her return without involving Sidney, as his character will have to be written out. I imagine this can be done with a timejump, but the timejump would have to be 4 years to make Georgiana 'of age' as she is 17 in the show. They'll probably place her under someone's care while saying Sidney is "still her guardian, but away". Georgiana is, in my opinion, an essential part of Sanditon. Bridgerton showed the world wanted to see diverse faces. Austen wrote a black character as a wealthy and desirable woman. They simply have to do more with her in the future. Clarke will reprise her role, this time with black writers to do justice to her character. I'm excited to see what will be done.

The actor who plays Arthur, Turlough Convery, is a good actor and mostly in period pieces. However he's never overly in demand, and usually stays with shows for multiple seasons. I think he's quite willing to come back and it means Georgiana would have a friend. I also hope they delve into his character, especially after his "I don't think i'll ever get married".

Matthew Needham and Mark Stanley, Crowe and Babington, are Sidney's best friends. It will be hard to have them come back without them explaining why Sidney is never with them. But I believe they would work well as a duo: the drunk and the one braincell are a fun dynamic. Both are not much in demand, despite that I quite like them as actors. So we might see them returning. Their return would also be vital for the return of a few other characters:

Their return would also be vital for the return of a few other characters:

Charlotte Spencer's Esther Denham is married to Babington. Without Babington returning, how can Esther? And vice versa. Their storyline was also the main romance for me and a big part of the last few episodes. They kinda need to return. Babington is also Sanditon's access point to high society. To cash in on Bridgerton's success they should search that royal connection. Babington is friends with the Prince Regent. On top of that he has the most money. If he hosts a party and Charlotte is invited, this is where they get those grand-bridgertonesque scenes.

Lily Sacofsky's Clara had a romantic subplot with Crowe. In their final unaired scene they went to London together. She could return. However, the chances are quite slim. Clara is in London, and Sanditon takes place in Sanditon. Unless Lady Susan takes Charlotte to London for a while and she meets Clara and Edward there, cooking up a plan to get back at Esther and Lady Denham.

4. Predictions

There's no words to describe the popularity of Bridgerton, so this WILL influence Sanditon. I predict: more sex, more scandal, and even more ahistorically modern ideas and characters, multiple female characters and multiple male characters that each get screentime and their separate storylines and developments like in bridgerton, instead of just Charlotte's pov we follow. Glamorous scenes. And more POC.

The season will start with a timejump in all likeliness (as it is easier so they don't have to focus too much on her grieving). Charlotte will catch us up with what has happened while perhaps narrating over some letters she's written to georgiana and lady susan. She'll return to Sanditon during a summer. Sanditon will have been partially rebuilt with Eliza's money, and many activities will be planned. Sanditon will be in some kind of trouble. Charlotte will still be a planner. Her being very actively involved in things and having a vision was one of the most alluring parts of her character. In the books there was a rival town Tom hated. That might be a bit tricky to adapt so they could introduce some local competition for attention around Sanditon. A local duke hosting parties could overshadow tom's events. Or the social season in London could lure everyone there instead of to Sanditon. Charlotte will try to help Tom with this while getting reacquainted with everyone still in Sanditon, and hearing about the reasons why Sidney/Esther/Stringer/The Beauforts (to be seen) aren't in the show anymore. She'll also rebuild her relationship with Georgiana.

Then one day for an event Charlotte will invite Lady Susan, who will invite her to the London season to get over her heartache à la Jane Bennet. Charlotte will join Lady Susan to lure a crowd to Sanditon. There, she'll be confronted with some of her demons of the past season. Perhaps a pregnant Eliza Campion makes an appearance to rub it in Charlotte's face. In Sense & Sensibility Margaret discovered Willoughby's relationship in a most shocking manner in an almost public setting. Sanditon likes to nod at all Austen books so this could be a nod at that book when Charlotte discovers unpleasant news in a public manner. Charlotte will congratulate her and wish them happiness, and afterwards either a girlpower moment could happen with Lady Susan or Georgiana supporting her, or a love moment. Mrs Campion has tried to talk Charlotte down in front of people in the past, if she did it again, a new love interest could step in at that time to compliment her and then take her off for a dance. That could be an emotional moment for her, as she realized her feelings for Sidney in London during a dance the last time around as well. And she could have her cinderella moment by excusing herself and running off after the dance, uncertain of her feelings. She'll have some grand balls, might be harrassed by a man and risk a scandal, or try and prevent Georgiana from ruin during a scandal.

At the last moment she'll succeed in her goal and lure a crowd to Sanditon's events that will put Sanditon on the map. Either the local competitive duke, or someone from London will be impressed with her, but she won't be ready to marry yet. I trust that by the end of the second season, she'll finally have a realisation that she's quite happy with how she's living her life and how good her work is, and that she has finally stopped feeling sad. So the second season will stop with her atop a cliff, letting go of the traumatic loss she suffered on that same cliff a season before. By the end of the season, one or two love interests will be set up for the last season.

So the nudity and big romance will have to come from elsewhere. Georgiana will get more agency and action in the next seasons. She could be trying to tempt Charlotte in joining her adventures as a single wealthy independent woman. She might even leave to find her place in the world via boat, returning to where she was last truly happy: Antigua. The second season could maybe end with Charlotte overlooking Georgiana's boat leaving from the previously mentioned clifftop. Another option is Georgiana falling in love with a local man and taken an interest in the town. Financially speaking, Georgiana could be the only one able to save Sanditon. But I don't think she owes the town anything. Another option is the writers focus on Georgiana navigating her relationship with Otis, who might be back home for a holiday after navy duty. We could also see some political debates à la Poldark S5 about freedom, servitude, independence and so on. The first plan for Georgiana doesn't even have to exclude the second, she could decide to sail away with Otis to find their place in the world. In any case: race shall not be brushed under the carpet and Georgiana will kick some shins on her way to her happy ending. In Jane Austen, we have rarely seen a woman who tried to elope, or escape her guardian, get a happy ending. Georgiana Darcy, Eliza Williams, Eliza's mother, ... they're all tragic tales of women falling for bad guys who try to steal their virtue or take their money. And in the end they always become dependent on men again. I hope in Sanditon Georgiana will learn and grow herself, instead of being coddled by men. A lot could be done.

Esther and Babington could be a very cool insert if the actors join. They can really connect the high society to Sanditon. They could host balls, invest in Sanditon or drive the London plot. But they can also be an emotional backbone to the show. Esther married Babington, but she wasn't in love yet. I'm not a fan of the edward/Esther angle. After all he did, I rather she hated him with burning passion and never spoke to him again. But he could try to blackmail her and ruin her reputation in London. Perhaps become some kind of Lord Whistledown. With Charlotte coming to Esther's aid. Esther's plotline could be about learning to trust people and open her heart again. Perhaps she could have a conflict with Babington about him wanting a family and she still being uneasy with marriage, let alone children. Maybe they could have a fight, with one of them going to London. In their separation they might realize they love each other. And then the other comes back home from London with Charlotte and they fix everything. Another route is them having a fight, Esther going to confront Edward or Clara about their blackmailing or maneouvring. Babington thinks it's because she doesn't love him, but actually it's because she loves Babington and wants to be rid of her past. But she gets into an accident and Babington only realizes the truth later on, leading to a happy ending.

Other things I'd love to see: Mary finally growing a backbone and telling Tom to either be open about his affairs and finances or be gone. Arthur and Diana growing a backbone and telling their brother he's a fuck up. Charlotte realizing Tom is stupid. Lady Denham appointing Charlotte or Arthur to head of Sanditon after showing their worth an entire season. Tom being repentant. Diana getting over her fears. Arthur getting a love interest. Crowe being in Sanditon, I just love him. Kisses. Healthy love interests that aren't broody and traumatized and in need of fixing by women. Jane Austen's men need to do their growing ON THEIR OWN. And then they earn their brides.

5. What we'll lose

- A Sidlotte ending: once the new season comes out, Sidlotte is no longer headcanon.

- A happy Esther/Babington ending: they married and looked happy, despite Esther's rushed turn around. If they're in the new season, their marriage won't be perfect. They'll have conflicts, just for plot. Whatever headcanons we had for them will probably be falsified. We might come to dislike them or their relationship. I've seen almost all my ships crumble to dust on the rocks of multiple seasons dragging out relationships and piling on conflict just to keep it interesting.

- A part of what made Sanditon Sanditon: we'll lose many faces we've come to love. And the dynamics and relationships will therefore change a lot.

- Fanfics become dated: I know it is the problem of every fandom, but it's one I regret all the same. Part of why I love Austen fandoms is the fact that the books are written. The characters and relationships won't change. With 2 new seasons coming, all fanfics out there will become dated. The millions of hours authors put into Sidlotte fics will perhaps become barely read when Charlotte gets new love interests. All the headcanons I and many others wrote down for Sidlotte, Esther/Babington, Charlotte/Stringer, will officially become silly fantheories. I've been there a couple of times before that shows changed the entire course and personality of certain characters and then you can't help but feel exhausted and sometimes annoyed because these are your babies and you had dreams for them, and the writers took them in directions that sometimes don't do them justice. But it's canon so you gotta accept it. Sometimes fantasy is nicer than a writer toying around with storylines and characters just to create drama. And I'll have to write my characters in a new way that fits the characters based on the info from the new seasons. I might fall out of love with them. Ah, the burden of being a shipper weighs heavy.

- Perhaps we still lose a HEA: Season one ended with a happy babington/Esther and an unhappy Charlotte who learned a lot, and a Sanditon that was saved. Although Sanditon has been extended for two seasons it's possible that if the ratings for S2 aren't good they may still cancel the third season. If they don't learn from their mistakes and end season 2 on another cliffhanger even Esther's relationship and sanditon may be at stake. If they're getting 2 seasons they will also not marry or engage charlotte in the second, meaning Charlotte will still be single by the end of the series if they cancel season 3. The whole reason we wanted more seasons was for charlotte to have a HEA. So I'm really fearful that she'll be put in another hard spot. They at least need to get her happy by the end of S2.

6. What we'll gain

- More sanditon content

- More regency era content and images and music which is always lovely

- Seeing our favourites again

- Hopefully we get to see new challenges and romance and humor and tense moments and scandal and drama that will be fun to watch

- A Georgiana story arc: a black woman in a realistic historical setting living her life, being wealthy, and England just having to Deal With It. And as cherry on top she'll be written by black writers.

- Happy endings (hopefully)

- New hot men! This is a guarantee

- Perhaps LGBTQ+ representation with Arthur

- Frustration at Tom's antics (guaranteed)

- Maybe some interactions with Charlotte's siblings

- Esther Babington content

- New material to write fanfics and metas about

- Over 8 hours of viewing pleasure

Hey Sammy. I'm really curious on how you write your smuts... Like how? No kidding. I love them. I really do. (It does things i swear, ngl. U are amazing!) I'm just really curious on how you write them. I don't mean to offend you. 🥺 I hope you answer this... Love the new update, can't wait for next one, next week!!

No this isn't offending at all!! Thank you for reading bubs and I'll leave this under the cut in case nobody else wants to read this!

Honestly, I'll admit that I just have a very imaginative mind. I think very creatively and I daydream a lot (not to mention I read a lot). Books and movies are truly a great source for smut too, I rarely read actual erotica but I do feel like getting into it, and movies of course such as Fifty Shades are pretty good places to feel all sexy and wanna write smut. Porn is honestly bleh because it's all filmed from a dude's point of view and it's just sex, no foreplay or established couple usually, or that romantic intimacy and trust is missing which imo, truly makes smut hot and steamy.

Personally, I'm always thinking of whacky or cute or straight-up horny scenarios in my head and that's how mid or my stories even get written. Fun fact I acc never even planned for a grocery shopping scene in the beginning of chapter 11 but it just randomly occurred to me while I was at work (I'm a cashier at a grocery store) that it'd be a super cute way to begin the chapter.

In terms of smut it's the same deal, I'll admit I'm a pretty horny ass whore who just imagines loads of smutty scenarios. Some smutty ideas come from experience, though I'm not someone who gets around much so I don't have TOOOO much experience to go by, other than that it's just what I come up with.

Regarding how I actually detail and describe the scenes, it's again what I've experienced and felt irl combined with my creativity I presume. It's like I take my own experience and then warp or adapt it to describe what the scene feels like. Honestly speaking, once you have sex it's very hard to forget HOW it feels because fuck man, it feels good. So I use that with just whatever's going on in my mind to write my smut.

For example the shower sex I acc planned from a while ago, I just didn't know where to place it until it made sense to me in this chapter. In the original draft the smut WASN'T SO FERAL I PROMISE IDK WHAT HAPPENED but when I was editing it I just ended making it so much more rough and feral because it just flowed and hello?? but the idea of shower sex while still clothed with mid tae?? YEAH I WAS HORNY AF DNAIDNIENLMS.

Tl;dr - I'm a horny bitch and I have a super imaginative and creative mind so smut scenes just come to me naturally, along with using my own experience with sex. Think of it is as writing down your dirtiest fantasies and making them come to life 😍

How Rebecca characters would react to you saying you love them:

A/N: Hello lovelies! I hope you all are doing well and I've missed you all. It's been forever since I've done any writing and I'm sorry. I'm slowly getting to all your fics and request. I mentioned I was having problems with my mental health during the spring. I still am and life has thrown way more twist and turns than I've expected in the past few months. But I'm learning to manage.

This post is for my dear friend @merci-bitch who has been with me through all the twist and turns and dealing with all my craziness. Words can't describe how much it means to me. I love you and thank you for everything. I hope you enjoy and take care of yourselves lovelies!

Rose

Rose has telepathy and many other psychic abilities

Unlike various members of The True, she can read you like a book

At this point in time you'd be a rube

Not to mention she's very smug

She's hot and she knows it

And Rose has no shame

Like I've mentioned before, Rose internalizes affection

She loves The True Knot but her moments of greatest affection are strictly towards you and Crow

So you'd have to tell her in private to get at least a not so cold reaction out of her

But she wouldn't be surprised

She'd smile at you teasingly

Strut towards you with her posture like that of a queen

She'd run her fingers through your hair and smile

Place a small little kiss on your forehead

"I know."

Do not underestimate this woman's cockiness. Crow is not the only one who has a god complex in The True Knot.

And Rose has the greatest one of them all

She won't return the words back at first

Rose has seen so many people come and go over the years

But she will show you how much she loves you and let's say you won't be a rube much longer

Riza

Riza is seductive as hell

But like Rose, she shares her softer moments towards you and only you.

And she also knows she's hot

The two of you would be at home together with Riza looking lovely as always

You'd be in the beginning stages of dating and either be watching a movie together or just cuddling

Riza is totally the big spoon

She'd be a few drinks in and gets bored

"Come darling, let's go have some fun together!"

"Define fun."

This would lead to the two of you stumbling upstairs to Riza's room

She'd be throwing her clothes all over the place as she tried to dress you up

"Oh come on Y/n! Try this dress. You'd look beautiful wearing this to the club."

"Riza, you are drunk."

"And?"

As you continue to rant on about how she did not need another drink her lips would come crashing down on yours

It's unexpected but a very good type of unexpected

By the time the two of you would pull away from the kiss, you'd both be panting

"I love you."

Like Rose she's smug, but it's a grateful smug that leads to her lifting you up that way your legs are wrapped around your waist

"I know and I love you too."

It's a lustful 'I love you' but she does mean

She'd show you how much she loves you too

Kathleen

Now Kathleen is the wild card here because she'd be the one to say I love you first

She's a bit of a drinker and loves a good party

But she is very in touch and has a good sense of how she's feeling over all

She's been in enough relationships to knos when she cares and doesn't care for a person

But she cares for you deeply, you'd know each other from the time you were kids

The two of you would be at a party together and she'd be drunk as hell, she loves her martini's

Kathleen would be kissing you all over and trying to flirt with different people

But you're the one who keeps her under control and stops her from doing anything she'd regret the next morning

You are the responsible one in this relationship but you don't mind

At the end of the night she'd barely be able to walk and she'd stay at your apartment overnight

Subconsciously she'd curl up next to you in her sleep and you'd give a small smile, gently caressing her hair and you'd hold it for her the next morning when she experiences one of her worser hangovers

You wouldn't leave her side and it would mean alot to her

The 'I love you' slips from her lips softly as she starts to recover, fighting on the verge of sleep

You'd happily return the words and place a small kiss on her temples, making her give you that cheeky smile you learned to love

The next time you see her, she'd make sure to have something special set up for you to really reinforce her words

Jenny

With Jenny it would be a very unexpected I love you

You were one of the first people who made friends with her when she decided to tour with the circus

The two of you would go shopping together, have dinner, sing, etc.

So naturally the two of you were close

You knew her like the back of your hand and in return she knew you the same

You never thought you'd grow feelings for her but over time you couldn't help to

Her voice was just so pretty and the way she looked at you made you feel like you were the only person in the world she had eyes for

You knew she thought she loved Phineas though

And that hurt like hell but yet you still couldn't help but have a soft spot for her

She'd come to you crying after Phineas turned her away and you'd be there to comfort her

Even though you really wanted to tell her I told you so

After she'd calm down from crying, you'd hug her for a little

Murmuring a small 'I love you' in her ear

She'd move away from you confused

"You do?"

You were so scared she'd push you away in that moment

She didn't know what to think at first, as part of her was afraid she'd end up hurt again and she was confused

But she gave you the chance and she was glad she did

When she left the circus, she took you with her and neither of you ever looked back

Dinah

Dinah has been hurt alot

But all she really wants is someone to love, who loves her in return just as much or even more

She seriously needs a hug

You met her a little after she gave birth and she always seemed a little sad

You were one of the very few people who treated her with kindness in a long time so she immediately grew close to you

Neither of you had a lot of spare time, as you were trying to balance spending time with her and support your family

Life in the biblical period in Egypt was not easy for women by any means

But the moments the two of you could spend together, you'd cherish

The day you told Dinah you loved her, she was having a really rough day

She felt like she was trapped and alone, and she wanted her son

So you sat there with her, hugging her while she cried

You murmured sweet nothings in her ear, trying to sooth her

And that's when the I love you slipped out

She was scared at first but after sinking it in, for the first time in forever she smiled

She'd almost immediately return the I love you and it made you so happy

The two of you had to sneak around to see each othet after that but every day and second of it was worth it

Rebecca

Rebecca would not be shocked at all

She's a natural snogger and loves to hug people

So the two of you would have a very, openly affectionate friendship

You've known each other for forever

The two of you would be out doing a promotional interview for a movie you both were working on together

And because the two of your personalities blend together, you both would be giggling the entire time

There's zero seriousness with either of you in the same room

Which made Rebecca kind of glad because people on the film set were trying to hit on you, and she distracted you from that

Eventually the interviewer would get a bit annoyed and leave the room for a quick break

The two of you would be laughing still

"If we're like this now can you imagine what we're going to be like when we're old?"

"Same sense of humor but fifty years later. He's right though. You'll still be as pretty as you are today."

You'd give a tiny aww and that's when the I love you would slip out

She'd give your cheek and immediately turn the I love you with her typical, bright smile

God, she's seriously so cute

Ilsa

The I love you that you gave Ilsa was a very scary one and highly unexpected

The two of you have known each other for years and have been close friends

You got paired up for a mission

It was supposed to be an easy in and out

The two of you thought you had everything under control, the room cleared out

And then you got shot

Once in the leg and other time in the stomach

Ilsa immediately took care of the person who hurt you

But she was panicking because you were bleeding bad

She called for help but was honestly scared you weren't going to make it

It was then that you told her you loved her

Ilsa is a strong woman but she did shed a tear or two

"I love you too. Everything is going to be fine. I promise."

When the ambulance finally got there and it was time for them to put you on the stretcher, she refused to leave you

She sat with you the entire time, holding your hand and trying to get you to stay with her

Once you got to the hospital you immediately had to be taken for surgery

You made it through with no complications

When you woke up the next morning she was still sitting by your side and you were so grateful.

You loved her too much to ever want to be away from her again

And she felt the same way. She was just so glad you were okay.

books i read in april.

this is going to be my thing from now on. i'll compile a list of all the books i read in a month and share my thoughts on each one every end of the month.

just so you know, i'm a little forgetful, and i have a tendency to forget names, plots, and other details. i'm hoping that writing these will aid my memory in recalling how i felt about each novel.

you can also find me on goodreads

so, let’s begin, shall we?

101 essays that will change the way you think (wiest, brianna)

self-help book

this book got off to a good start! some of the essays written (or should i say a collection of articles originally published on the thoughtcatalog website) made me think and consider my outlook on life, love, and so on.

the title overstates the case though. when i think of an essay, i picture something more argumentative and philosophical. not to mention that the majority of the ideas in this book are redundant. it made it difficult to get through. nonetheless, i was able to get past it because there were so many fantastic concepts and topics discussed.

overall, it's an interesting & worthwhile read for those who enjoy thinking outside the box.i lost count of how many times this book gave me aha moments. i swear, most of the entries soothed my mind and provided a great pick-me-up when life seemed to be frustrating.

the midnight library (haig, matt)

science fiction, fantasy fiction, psychological fiction

regrets, self-remorse, what ifs, family approval, drugs, dreams, love, passion, hatred, death, afterlife, multiverses, quantum physics, and a plethora of possibilities packed into a 304-page book.

i'll be honest: this book is already on my list of favorites. i'm simply blown away by how well-crafted and diverse the entire story unfolded.

a sci-fi novel with a dash of fantasy and a smidgeon of philosophy. if that's your thing, you should give this book a shot.

the first few pages of the book gave me an impression and led me to surmise it was going to be a cheesy ass chick lit novel that i'd only read and find enjoyable in high school. i was completely off base. it proved to be very mature, full of lessons, but delivered in a fun and entertaining manner— exactly my cup of tea.

it reminded me of a disney pixar film called soul, in which the afterlife is depicted in vivid detail. they differ on so many levels, but they both imagine life after death for people who are unsure of their path, purpose, and passion.

every chapter served a significant concept, so this book is well-deserved of a 5-star rating!

norwegian wood (murakami, haruki)

fiction, romance novel, bildungsroman

as i read the book and neared the end, all i could think about was how this book became one of murakami's most popular and influential works.

murakami offers a sprawling glimpse into the lives of a group of severely damaged youths grappling with the realities of what emptiness entails. take what you will from it.

i know a lot of people like it, which is fine. but please keep in mind that this book hit me square in the gut. it alternated between making me angry, sad, annoyed, and disgusted almost constantly. there isn't much else.

this book should come with a warning: "this is not a good place to start if you're new to murakami's works. this is not a representative of murakami's brilliance."

fist and foremost, the characters in this book are all repulsive.

toru watanabe was a fuckboy and a softboy rolled into one. what could possibly be worse than that? he'd have as many casual sexual partners as he could while also buttering a girl up by appealing to her emotions and displaying a "sensitive" and "vulnerable" side.

this book was made even more depressing by the fact that each female character was needy, weak, dysfunctional, and dependent. since they're all the same, i'm not going to go over each of these female characters one by one. you already get the idea.

reiko ishida, imo, was one of the best rendered sections of the novel. most likely because she had a better grasp on her emotions and goals than the still seeking youths... until, *spoiler alert* she wanted to do it with toru as well. a big disappointment.

to summarize, this book is primarily concerned with two topics: sex and death.

hidden meanings are everywhere, but when you get to the core, that's all that remains.

the four agreements: a practical guide to personal freedom (ruiz, miguel)

self-help book

first agreement ⏤ be impeccable with your word

this essentially means that you should not spew gossip or use words to harm others. because words have tremendous power and can cause significant harm. you are not only negatively affecting others with your hateful and thoughtless words, but you are also hurting yourself. this is something with which i generally agree. how i see it, when people are unhappy with themselves, they turn to others to make themselves feel better. as a result, they gossip about others in order to divert attention away from themselves.

second agreement ⏤don't take anything personally

alright. sure. don't let what others say about you bother you. it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. well, i don't entirely agree, but i think it's a fantastic idea in general. however, achieving this goal will be extremely difficult. i believe it would take a lot of practice to reach this level of zen. plus, i honestly believe that other people's opinions still matter because they keep you in check. the best advice is to not be swayed by these opinions, but to consider why they were expressed in the first place. see what you can do to improve yourself from there. sure, it can be difficult to deal with; after all, no one likes being told they're wrong or whatnot. but it's not all bad news because you can sometimes use criticism and judgment to give you a competitive edge. i mean- don't you think hearing someone else's point of view is also an opportunity to learn and progress? ruiz should have stressed that it's not just about "not taking it personally because you know you're not that person," but also about not retaliating with an extreme knee-jerk reaction even if you believe you're being unfairly criticized.

third agreement ⏤ don't make assumptions

this is a real eye-opener for me. i've noticed that whenever i become enraged by someone's words, it's usually due to my tendency to assume. personally, i can't help but make assumptions. i don't know what other people's motivations are, and i can't help but draw conclusions based on the information i have. even if the other person had no intention of causing me harm, it's too late. the thought has become ingrained in my mind, and i never ask for clarification out of pride or fear of appearing overly sensitive.

fourth agreement ⏤ always do your best

this section did not seem particularly useful to me. i mean, aren't we all reminded of this all the time? this section is filled with sloppy writing, in my opinion. as if he badly wanted to finish the book and impulsively thought: "okay, fourth agreement: always do your best. that should suffice. lmao"

overall opinion: the third agreement was my favorite, but the rest were a no-go. don't get me wrong, i appreciated his ideas, but i've heard them all a hundred times before. basically, the book's sole takeaway is that we are all suffering in some way in our daily lives, and we are all dealing with different issues. regardless, we all need to be kinder and gentler to ourselves and others.

the song of achilles (miller, madeline)

romance novel, historical Fiction, war story

i'll keep it short and sweet:

i really wouldn't have had this book any other way. miller's writing is breathtaking, so rich and full of lovely detail. it's incredibly a unique concept to me that authors are rewriting such ancient history and stories to make them lgbt+!

some suggest it's tedious, but i disagree. it isn't slow; rather, it is just right.

'cause at the end of the day, it's not about war, tragedy, or heroes - it's a slow-burning, organic love tale between two young men and their inevitable connection.

it's sad, tender, and painful, but in the best way possible.

circe (miller, madeline)

novel, historical fiction, fantasy fiction

"greek mythology, but with a feminist twist"?! sign me the hell up! this piqued my interest... only to leave me feeling completely let down. seriously now. circe was described as a "badass empowered woman," which was the single most compelling selling point for me, and thus the most wrenching disappointment, i must say.

sure, it demonstrated the value of feminine power, but it also did represent how this power can be a force of good or evil.

not to mention the fact that circe fucked a married man or two in this book- i mean- how is that an ~empowered woman~?

let's be clear right off the bat: madeline miller's follow-up to the song of achilles is epic in scope but not necessarily in execution. to me, this read more like a tedious island tale. regardless of how many five-star reviews this book has received... i just don't think it's well-deserved. don't get me wrong here. miller is a fantastic author with a lush writing! istg- i'm blown away by how beautifully she wrote and carefully chose her words. even the most mundane phrases were written poetically. after-all, it’s greek mythology. but how did she manage to make circe seem so... bland?

[Ask 1]I have a questions about Top's scene in Loser MV. I don't understand it completely. In the scene he is making out with a girl (she's half asian) then she wants affection and intimacy from him but Top doesn't respond and looks in different direction. He has this ignorant, cocky look on his face " I got what I wanted and I am not interested anymore." I feel like everything in relationship must be on his terms. In the next shot he is with white girl.

Yes that is how it is when he dated these girls. I keep telling y'all that once idols hit that glass wall of peaking and become solidified they start writing lyrics that do come from a personal and legitimate place. Top was telling y'all the truth in FXXK it when he describes his player ways and running through chicks. It's complicated for him and he cant be tamed. In loser his entire role is that basically he will never / can't find that balance of the right one for him. Whenever he gets close to it, if it ever, he begins to find flaws and major issues with them or they just fit the mold of being like every other girl to him and he rather cut his losses than get involved and attached. He has too much to lose to risk settling and giving his all. These girls even if they get hurt can move on with their lives unscathed and can repair themselves but he can't. The girl comes to him naked in not having walls up that is he aware of. She is there in terms if him knowing a lot about her, knowing to his knowledge what her intentions are, knowing how she feels and how much control he has or doesn't have with her and over her in the direction of the relationship.

The white model from the hot chick is hard to interpret cause it may just be a director's choice or his own personal choice. I don't want to bring prejudice or racism into this but real talk if the hot half Asian girl had to be axed or the beautiful yet plain white girl had to be axed, koreans would prefer for the white girl to get axed. I'm not a major kdrama and movie buff and haven't watched as much as I used to. But seriously, in my experience of watching Korean entertainment; the Caucasian person is 9 / 10 times always placed as the villain, the rival, the problem or instigator since there is a weird promotion of Westerners viewing koreans by the much known negative stereotypes they have of koreans. I've seen this literally in one old drama called my secret hotel with that actress from him Hi hyun drama and goblin. Yoo in na?

Anyways, the white girl was going to get the chop for TOP scene over the top chick. Figuratively, the hot chicks never last and actually complicate the relationships more on a day to day basis. The white girl symbolizes getting serious. She herself or a combination of her and othet toxic factors between him and her symbolize a horrible toxic relationship where shit gets so bad its like he could literally kill her.

It is unclear from the directors direction of filming this if the girl aggravated top into killing her via instigating, iresposnbility, gaslighting or an outright fight where he snapped. But he destroys or walks away from all his relationships mostly with the upper hand and ends up hurt in the end more so than her. He may have been in verbally abusive relationships or relationships / friends with benefits situations where he felt misunderstood or everything wasn't right the way it should be and that brought tension.

His body language as well during the kissing both laying down and kissing her on the lips that he isnt giving himself on an emotional level and is just fucking around to fuck around. He won't take it there and won't make more of it than that. Looking over her shoulder behind her hugging her from behind as her breast midway exposed in her bikini top that scene shows his mind is always churning. TOP is analyzing her in his mind and looking toward the future ahead of her as well contemplating the current situation with her on an unspoken level of whether or not this will go the distance.

Also in the video the hot girl gets further with top than the supposed 2nd model. We have seen now that TOP lets these little pretty petite hot girls who are aspiring actresses get into his circle and life but a serious one like Asia Chow has her limits with him.

Hope this helps.

sick | chris evans

(gif not mine, credit to owner)

A/N: hello there loves, I’m trying my hardest to write all of my requests and finish so it goes! so please bare with me as I know that I am not the greatest at post consistently. but hopefully soon I finish up my requests, upload all of so it goes and work on a new fic that I started...but like always hope you enjoy this little something!

Shit. If there was one word to describe what I was feeling is pure shit. Stuffy nose, a hideous cough and a sore throat. All day, I felt awful and I couldn’t concentrate on my work. 

“Y/N?” My boss comes into my office. I immediately straighten up and give her the biggest fake smile, pretending I am not suffering from a sickness.

“What can I do for you?” I ask, barely louder than a whisper. 

“Y/N, you’re sick. How about you go home and get some rest?” 

“No, no, I’m fine. I’m not sick.” I lie straight to her face. 

“I hear you coughing from all the way down the hall and you can't even speak up. Go home.” 

“But I-”

“Go home Y/N.” She ends the conversation, walking out of the room.

Oh well, I might as well go home. I’ll make myself a cup of tea, put on some movies and sleep. 

After scrambling to find my keys, I finally unlock my door and throw everything on the floor. Something feels off. Normally Dodger comes running to the door but now I have no clue where he is. Odd. 

I head over to the kitchen and I see a figure standing there, rummaging through the refrigerator. Dodger right next to him.

I yelp, “Fuck!”

The figure also replies “Fucking hell!” and bangs his head on the refrigerator. The man turns around, hand on his head. Mine is trying to keep my heart from jumping out of my skin. 

“Chris! You scared the shit out me!” My throat really did not appreciate me yelling.

“Yeah, same here.” He motions to his head which is now covered by his hand. 

“Wh-what are you doing here?” Since my heart rate is going down the realization hits me. He’s here, standing in front of me. With his joggers and Patriot sweatshirt. Chris is supposed to be away filming and wasn't supposed to come back until two weeks. 

“Filming wrapped early. I wanted to come home and surprise you.” He grins and walks over to me and wraps his arms around my waist. “I missed my baby.” Oh. I am so ever pissed at whoever or whatever gave me this stupid cold. 

Before I could even respond, my lovely coughing fit began. How unattractive this is. Me hacking my lungs out, my nose running. Not cute. 

“Are you good babe?” I hold up a finger, telling him give me a minute. I try to turn my body around so he doesn't see me wipe my nose with my sleeve. So gross, I know. 

“I am fine.” I respond after my little scene. My voice different from my stuffy nose. Chris stares at me like he knows I’m lying. 

“Bullshit. Come here.” He places the back of his hand on different parts of my face. “You’re burning up.” 

“Well it’s hot in here.” I give him a stupid grin and he ignore my comment.

“Let’s get you to bed.” Chris starts pushing me to the bedroom. I refuse. 

“No! You just got home, we should do something.” 

“Y/N, you’re obviously sick, isn't that why you’re home early?” 

“Yeah, but-” 

“But nothing. Quicker you get into bed the quicker you’ll feel better. Now c’mon.” I can’t help but feel guilty that Chris it stuck taking care of me. He’s probably tired and the last thing he wants to do is help a grown baby. 

“Chris you don’t have to-” 

“Shush, change into your pajamas and I’ll see what medicine we have to help you, okay?”  

Nodding, he kisses my forehead and leaves the room as begin to get out of my work clothes and into my pajamas. After I’m under the covers, the blanket covering me up to my nose, Chris walks back in with a glass of water and some pills. It wasn't until after I got into bed, I realized how bad I actually felt. Pure shit is how I felt. 

Sitting next to me on the bed, he gently lifts me up so I am able to take my pills without choking on them. He hands me the glass and the pills. When I’m done he removes the glass and slowly brushes the hair away from my face, taking a little longer to stroke the side of my cheek. I nearly fall asleep but then I felt an inkling to cough again. 

As I bend over to cough, he rubs my back sweetly. This is not what he thought his welcome home was going to be like. When I resume back to normal breathing, he goes back to stroking my cheek with his thumb. 

“Do you want me to make you some tea?” Chris looks to me, searching for an answer. I first shake my head, feeling guilty that he had to make me tea and he cocked a brow at me. But then I realized that I actually did want a cup of tea so I began to nod my head and he started to chuckle. Muttering “You big baby.” under his breath and got up. I am a baby. 

Chris returns with my favorite mug in his hand and gives me my tea. I close my eyes, feeling the only relief I’ve had for my throat all day. Hearing some ruffling,I pop open one eye and see Chris undressing. Damn this stupid cold. He catches me looking and rolls his eyes, facing the other way so I don't see him blush.  I guess my face told him what I was thinking and he just mouths a simple “No.” and that is the end of my hopes. Stripping down to only his boxers and an old tee of his. 

Putting on an old movie and climbing into bed, Chris sits up and reaches for a book that he had on his nightstand that he never finishes. My cup of tea however had finished and my eyes were getting droopy. 

I have no idea the time or the century I’m in (why is it that naps always make me lose my sense of time?) but there is still light creeping in our curtains. Turning over, Chris is still awake, reading his book and the movie, which is different from the one we had on before, is now muted. Chris who is leaning against the headboard, feels the bed shift and looks to where I am. 

“Hi, sleepyhead. Can I get you anything?” Closing my eyes, I shake my head no. “Are you feeling better?” I shake my head again. It’s like talking to a child. “You sure you don't want me to get you anything?” All of a sudden I feel the need for a good cuddle. 

So, like any demanding child, I take the book out of his hand, making sure to mark where he left off and whispered, “I want a cuddle.” 

And just like that, Chris slouches down and wraps his arm around me, one hand rubbing circles on my back. I find a comfortable spot underneath his chin and above his shoulder. My legs draped across his. 

If I get to spend my days like this, maybe getting sick isn't such a bad thing. 

Taglist: @vnderoos @tonightsnogoodhowaboutwednesday @tessvillegas @pbnjparker @patzammit @h4ppydancing @icantbeliveitsnotbutter @lokilvrr @fanfictionjunkie1112 @lokiloveheart 

Guns, Love, Roses

Written by Jerome A. Kay

-

Chapter 1;

Love. An emotion described as being almost as addictive as any other drug in the world. Since the beginning of time, love is an emotion described as being complex and unpredictable. The only feeling in the world that can cause happiness, sadness, anger, passion, jealousy, and in some cases, a mixture of all. It’s an emotional state of being vulnerable, and a constant surprise of not knowing whats going to happen next. So why is it that love becomes an emotion that we strive to understand and figure out, yet when we explore and experience it, it can hurt and potentially destroy us? The answer is simple. As human beings, we can't help but feel the need to be wanted. We seek friendship and companionship as a way to cope with everyday problems, and having the support you need with friends and your significant other makes life just that bit easier. The people you hang out with defines you, and makes you who you are today. Friendship, relationships, and companionship come at a cost, which is time. To balance sacrificing time to maintain, grow and meet new people is something that even I find difficult to find the answer to. I guess we all go through life differently, right? In order to experience this, you must let your walls crumble for another person to enter your life for them to see whats on the other side of the wall and they too must do the same because friendships and relationships work around what we call trust. Without trust there is no foundation to any type of relationship, and so this story which you’re about to read involves heavily around respect, loyalty, and honour. By following these three codes, and act upon them, you become trustworthy to others around you too. Stay true to your words, and keep promises that you make, because by acting upon what you say- demonstrates the type of person you are both to them, and to yourself for you are without a doubt, true to your word. For the people we love, we hold three seperate masks which we put on, then off- depending on the circumstances. One mask for your family- one mask for your friends- and one mask for yourself. In this chapter, I’m putting on a mask for the friends which has made me who I am today.

-

I’m going to take you back to the city of Melbourne, Australia- where it all started. More specifically, the inner suburbs of the west. Labelled one of the roughest sides in Melbourne where ironically, I first learnt what brotherhood love truly was. If you lived in the western suburbs of Melbourne, YKB was a well known troubled Asian youth gang that originated from the suburbs of Kings Park, a suburb neighbouring St. Albans which was filled with nothing but Vietnamese families who immigrated here back in the early 1970’s. It stood for Young Kings Park Boys and, if you didn’t have enough money to live in Boxhill or Springvale- or any Asian parts of the eastern suburbs, you wounded up here in the west- which was filled with a higher rate of crime and was considered the roughest part of Melbourne. Yes, you guessed it- Kings Park was one of them. Children playgrounds would be filled with used syringes, house burglary was common, people used and sold drugs, and trap houses were everywhere. It was to nobody’s surprise that joining YKB became almost too easy. However- I’ll stop you there, because I’ll be totally honest, we weren’t a gang. We were just highschool friends consisting of only 10 of us within our friendship circle who caused nothing but trouble in Year 9 at a school called Copperfield College, located in the heart of Kings Park. We honestly didn’t give a fuck about school and always talked about girls and looking forward to going clubbing when we were older but man I had to say, the teachers and principal especially- hated us. Detention and suspensions became my middle name, but to my surprise- none of us had gotten expelled. In class, we did nothing but throw pencils and highlighters at one another, make paper planes and throwing at each other, scratching the tables with our initials and drawing dicks and balls, and my favourite prank yet- rubbing the tip of the pen really fast on the bench- causing it to heat up and touch other students in the face or arm with it, leaving a small burn mark. We made the art teacher cry once for calling her a slut and made her quit. Fighting of course, was our favourite. We would all write our names on a tiny piece of paper, put it in a hat, and shake it around and the two names which popped up had to fight at lunch time inside the boys toilets where we filmed it, laughed, and became our primary source of entertainment. Lunch time fights was my only reason why I even came to school- otherwise I’d either not turn up or wag class to go steal at the milkbar next door or ride our bikes around the area. To put it simply, we loved the art of misbehaving, and we loved doing it so long as we had the company of doing it with one another because to me- no matter what we did or what we got up to, I felt like I belonged somewhere- and the feeling of being wanted and being called part of the boys disregarded all thoughts in relation to consequential thinking when it came down to doing things which were considered immoral. 

-

Things started getting serious when we started trouble with particular kids in school who had older brothers or cousins that were affiliated with a particular gang whom they called themselves Little St. Albans- LAS for short, who began mocking us, intimidating us, saying shit like “what are you gonna do?” Or “you guys are nothing!” Just because they were a known gang didn’t mean shit to us just because we were just a group of mates who didn’t have a name. Wayne, one of our mates from school, decided to label us as Young Kings Park Boys, and we didn’t question it as we accepted him as the leader. We were now officially called a gang and LSA laughed at our faces because they couldn’t take us seriously until they realised we were ballsy enough to call them out for fights. We thought they were just all talk until they’d rock up infront of the school gates at the end of school, waiting for us to fight- and we did. Every couple weekends we would rally together and fight against LSA. We fought hard, and tried our best to stick up for ourselves, but lost every single time because we were outnumbered and sometimes they’d use weapons and played from dirty from time to time. They didn’t like to lose, and neither did we. Winning was a must because we had too much pride and ego. We began asking around kids from school who were down to fight with us and were more than welcome to be a part of the boys. To our surprise, our numbers grew only just slightly and we were on par against LSA who finally shook hands with us and said we earnt their respect and that they’ll finally leave us alone on the condition that we helped them fight against a gang known as Prosperity Sunshine Boys- which was also short for PSB. LSA and PSB had been fighting for a couple months now- apparently over a girl and we got involved. PSB, were on a whole new level. Even with YKB and LSA combined we were no match for them during gang fights, outnumbering us almost 2:1. But we still fought, because we were loved it, despite getting our asses kicked. Word went around quick about the drama between YKB, LSA, and PSB. Our gang name grew larger in reputation, and so did our ego. We wanted to get bigger, better, and stronger.

-

In order to do so, we needed more members. We would go out of our way to threaten other kids from neighbouring schools and if they arched up or fought back we would stop harassing them, and instead- shake their hand and ask them to join. Another way we got people to join was to test how much balls they’d have- so we’d tell them to go to Coles and come out with a bag full of stolen lollies and chips. If they came out without being caught they’d became YKB instantly- and we’d eat it all and leave it nothing for them. We were looking for specific boys who were wiling to stand their ground and proved that they had the guts to stick up for themselves and did as we told- and that was all. Just be loyal, respect us, and be honourable. Racism around this time was quite predominant. We would be labelled as having small dicks, squinty eyes, and were called gooks or fobs by other races- the wogs and islanders in particular who had their own cliche. The one insult that we all hated, was being told to go back to where we belong, or go back to China because to them- all Asians were “apparently” all from China. We didn’t hesitate to put a fist in someone’s mouth for saying that, because we were defensive against our own race and stuck up for helpless kids who were victim of racism because we took pride in who we were, and where we derived from. Deep down, we all knew that the only place we really belonged to- was with one another. Just by spending time and hanging together as a group gave us a sense of purpose and identify- and our bond as a gang grew along with it. That’s how I met my three bestfriends- Jake, Dylan, and Wayne. They were more friendlier than the others, because they wouldnt fight or seek trouble unless we really had to, and they stood by me through thick and thin. I remember the story clearly- the 10 of us, at Watergardens station steps, Little Henry from YKB called Wayne a bitch if he didn’t smack a cyclist and take his bike. Without hesitation, Wayne did so and the boys had a laugh as the man tried to give chase. Wayne stumbled and struggled to get away and that’s what made it even funnier. Another story about Dylan, was when we got into a fight with a kid who claimed he was telling everyone he was YKB at St. Alban's train station, but after confronting him, some old wog guy tried breaking up the fight and that was when we turned our attention to him instead- jumped him, bashed him, and it was Dylan who smashed a bottle on top of his head which sent him to juvy. I remember this day like it was yesterday, watching and laughing at the video footage of us running away from the scene and seeing Dylan bottle him, fleeing, and tripping over his own shoe lace. That assault went viral in the area and I remember clearly all 5 of us running away as that man laid still and lifeless, bleeding from his head and his daughter there crying. He was labelled a hero for doing it amongst the boys- no matter how fucked up the situation was. We encouraged violence. If at any given time we said we were going to do something- whether it be to hit, stab, or jump someone- we would do it. Our threats weren’t empty because we stayed true to our words. None of us were shit talkers.

-

Being a part of any gang- YKB especially- came the reputation, and depending on what you did or how hard you repped the gang came the amount of attention you earnt from those who knew of you- and people would suck up to you, claiming were a sick cunt or try to befriend you. It was an ego feeder- but with the goods, came the bads. Mum would always tell me that If you seek trouble, trouble will come to you- and in our case trouble would always be around the corner. We would try to look for ways to get into fights with either ourselves or random strangers- we would argue over pointless shit- for example over the last cigarette. We’d spent most of our time playing a computer game called Dota at Akira in St. Albans. If we weren’t at Akira or hanging out at St. Albans station steps with LSA, we would all catch a bus to Watergardens which became our secondary domaine. Here, we spent the rest of our days skipping school and hogging the Maximum Tune machines at Hoyts. Since we were poor, we mostly scabbed $2 off kids from strangers to play the game and hussle kids from other schools to get it because they were easy targets. Some of us were good at stealing, using our five finger discount skills at popular retail stores like Ozmosis, JB HI FI, Big W and, Woolworths- being our favourite place because that’s where it held all the lollies and bags of chips. You had to be good at it cause once staff and security picked up that we were doing it all the time, we got banned and the security guards would all know us by face and by name- which was what forced us into kicking it around the station steps of Watergardens after school for hours where we wasted time mocking people, smoking, threatening people, and again, fighting people for no reason, even if it was over a stare or looking at any of us the wrong way. If we didn’t have money, we would walk around the suburban area, robbing people for their belongings- jewelery, wallets, phones, and in some cases, peoples shirts (if It was branded) or even their shoes regardless if it fit or not. To put it simply, we seeked the thrill of wanting to be rebellious to gain attention and to give ourselves a name that we weren’t to be messed around with. The one thing though, about us boys in particular- is that we all had something to prove towards one another. Just because we were a gang who all fought for eachother and believed in the same idea and principle- we also contested one another as an act to prove who was more superior and better. We would have one on one fights between eachother and if you turned down a fight you wouldn’t be part of the boys anymore and be considered a pussy. You had to be a fighter, and you had to back one another up and do as they say, and to not ask questions. That was how we showed respect.

-

Highpoint was a no go, considering every time we went we would fight with boys from PSB. Sometimes we win, sometimes we’d lose- depending on how many we’d bump into there. VIP nights at Highpoint were held a couple times a year- which meant massive discounts on all clothes. We didn’t give a fuck about discounts or clothes because we only went for one purpose- PSB. We all knew they’d be there and, without a doubt, we would come through those shopping centre doors with weapons- and in numbers and LSA would be there with us. Fighting became much more intense as chairs would be thrown and other bystanders would be hit- it was chaotic. For fun, one of the boys were heavily into spray painting and thought it was fun to spray paint the initials YKB across the car park of Watergardens, then eventually it stretched into St. Albans. Sometimes we did it at Highpoint, but PSB would just spray paint their tags right over ours and there wasn’t any point- or risk. We all taught eachother how to spray paint and eventually once we got good, we made an effort to spray paint the fences of peoples house near the train tracks, so that everyone who caught the Sunbury line would see our tags which stretched out until we stopped at Footscray- because, we didn’t fuck around with guys from that area. We knew who to disrespect- and knew who was worth giving respect too, and the boys in Footscray were one of them.

-

Three years later after the creation of YKB- lots had changed. No one respected each other, loyalty was a joke to some people- and there was no honour. There were a lot of unnecessary agression and violence within our circle- and also to other people. A lot of people in the gang, especially the new kids who joined- acted cocky and big headed, and only joined for their own reputation or a name for themselves. The group almost tripled in size, and it was only by mistake that this happened because people even I didnt know was in it, who began inviting others- and others began inviting their cousins, and it got annoying because we didn’t know who was friend, or foe. Not even Wayne was able to control the gang. Now that I think back, I’m not going to lie- were absolute drop kicks. We were all young and immature, uneducated and just full of nothing but energy, testosterone, and pride. Most of us began dropping out after Year 10, most of us came from broken families and did nothing with our lives- yet as obvlious kids, we aall visioned ourselves to be in each other’s lives till the very end because we claimed we were loyal and that we loved one another. Predominately in the Asian gangs, especially Vietnamese - they had a saying which involved the term Anh Em. This means brother, in Vietnamese and was heavily used as a sign of respect. Even if you weren’t Vietnamese like myself, you would still get called one. And in my days, a lot of asian gangs were Vietnamese-based. It wasn’t long until the term got used loosely- and without meaning.

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Some of these memories back when it was only just the 10 of us was why I purely stayed, but as new members starting joining I lost the respect for the group entirely but some of us, like myself, still needed a place to belong- hence why we stayed despite the two facing, bitching and hate grow like cancer within our circle. I began to hate showing loyalty- especially to specific boys in the group who didn’t deserve it, but you had to get involved no matter if the situation was big, small, or life threatening. What pisses me off sometimes- is if you needed help with your own fights, most boys would say they would help but wouldn’t even show face. Where’s the loyalty in that? There wasn’t any true love for this gang anymore and despite spending most of my teenage years with them, I needed to find another place to find what love meant, because I was wasting my time hanging out with friends who weren’t beneficial for my life. I made a Tumblr back when everyone thought it was cool. I posted many photos of the boys and what we got up to and I remember writing something about me wanting to leave and wanted to find somewhere else I could belong to without all the violence and to my surprise I received an anonymous messaged me which said, "I can change you.” I asked who she was by replying to her message and moments later she revealed herself to me and I didn’t hesitate for a second asking for her phone number. This is the beginning of how I opened up the next chapter to how I experienced love with a girl. 

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After graduating high school, I grew out of the gang phase. YKB slowly died down, along with its drama. Some of the boys branched off and made their own gang, bringing some of the boys with them. Others dwelled deeper into the harder drugs such as methamphetamine and heroin, and mind you most of us weren’t even eighteen yet, destroying their lives at a very early age of addiction and dependency. Majority of us had police records consisting of theft, assault, and burglary. Some of us were in juvy, jail, or deported and we all knew it just wasn’t the same. But as we got older, we believed that it was best we walked our seperate ways. Till this day, I still keep Wayne, Jake and Dylan as mates because they were the only ones who stood by me through thick and thin. As for the rest of the guys, it’s a hi and bye if I do ever see or bump into them. I’ll always remember being apart of the group, as it showed me what brotherhood love really stood for. 

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In loving memory of Sorhana M.

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Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Sequel

Conclusion

Week 2: I can't think of a title

Friends, family, strangers, what’s poppin? Week 2 in 中国 has come to a close and it was a wild one. This blogging on Sunday thing is really great for my procrastination-loving heart, and really bad for actually remembering things, so bear with me. You might notice this is getting posted on Friday, and not Sunday. Well, that’s because of some ~~fun~~ circumstances that you can find out about in next weeks post! Sorry! // 周一（zhōuyī，Monday): Monday started off without a dictation, because 车老师 is a wonderful person who doesn’t believe in weekend homework. Class was, as usual, an information overload, but still fun. We played a new game in class (where people have a verb or noun on their head and you have to ask questions, etc to make them say the word or do the action). Another thing: in Chinese, there is a particle, “了”， that has always confused me (it has many different uses, and I’m not sure when to use it and when not to). So I decided to ask my 语伴. This turned into a conversation with 车老师, the TAs, other 语伴s and on Tuesday, another professor. The question asking went an extra half hour into lunch and then I ended up eating with 车老师， one of the TAs and my 语伴。 I didn’t leave my question asking behind in America, I guess. I was very tired all day because I was up so late blogging the night before 👀…oops. At the end of the day, instead of meeting with our 语伴s (yǔbàn，language partner) for 30 minutes, we met for community service. The project they have selected for us to do this year is to help raise awareness about and reduce plastic bag usage and waste, which is a huge problem in China. To give you some context, Zhuhai is considered one of the cleanest cities in China, but the beaches are riddled with trash. It’s shocking. The plan for our projects was, on Monday we would write a survey and have our 语伴s help us translate it, on Tuesday we would go out and survey people on campus, on Thursday we would plan out our "propaganda” campaign and later in the month we would go out and talk with the public and get people to pledge to change their actions (with the pledge varying with each groups different approach to the issue). My group is me, Richa, Zack and Garrett. Monday was pretty rough. I was really tired and irritable, and I felt like a lot of responsibility was falling on me but I felt that way because I wasn’t sharing responsibilities….anyways, Richa and I talked afterwards so we’re all good now. We finished using the questions and I took the bus home with Matthew after hitting up the supermarket with Matthew and Anthony. // My sister had four of her finals today, and she said they went well, so I went out to dinner to celebrate with my mom and sister. It was so, so good. Pork, goose, noodles, vegetables, fried rice, watermelon, guava...all delicious! It was my first time trying goose, and I have mixed but mostly positive feelings. // Afterwards, we went to 笑笑’s friends house. I got to meet the friend, her little 9mo brother, the mom, dad, and grandparents. I held the brother (who was SO CUTE and very fascinated by me), talked a little bit with the family, helped the mom translate a work email, got a tour of the house, ate lychees and gave my little sister and her friend a ballet lesson. It was so much fun, and definitely lifted my mood from earlier in the day. I walked home in high spirits. // 周二（zhōuèr，Tuesday): Tuesday was the 4th of July! I told my mom in the morning and she offered me a white rabbit candy, which I thought was pretty funny but thoughtful at the same time. Got the 了question figured out at the beginning of lunch (I’m so grateful that literally everyone involved in the program is so willing to help). After lunch, we played a version of Monday’s game with all verbs (it was sort of a mess, a lot of English was spoken, but we had a good time). Chris, BBC and Queen Isabel joined us for that–-in the end, it boiled down to people forcing Shayley to take a selfie with them. I was eliminated early in the game when I flashed a peace sign. // Community service was very interesting. It started off with Grace and Emily getting us all watermelon to celebrate the 4th, which was very thoughtful! Since we are still in the thick of monsoon season, the weather continues to alternate between rain so hard it could flash flood up to your ankles (this happened to my 语伴）and hours of sunshine. Consequently, we decided to survey people who were inside major buildings on campus rather than walking around. My group picked the library. Since only half of the 语伴s came to help with the day's activities, Outing and Chris had to help another group, so learned how to say “traitor" in order to tell Outing how betrayed I felt. // Surveying people was fun, but a challenge…we split our group in half, so Garrett, me and my 语伴 formed one team. We interviewed about 8 people (could have been 9 if the police officer had agreed), and unless we were asking the simpler questions, I couldn’t understand a lot of what they were saying…but I got the gist, and the gist was that most of them were aware of the problem and did some things to cut down on their waste (some more than others…one guy was just totally unaware), but often didn’t have convenient access to recycling services. This is definitely a problem I have run across these few weeks. That being said, we don’t have the means to change city infrastructure, so my group decided that our focus would be encouraging people to use reusable bags and bottles, cutting down the waste at the source (it’s common for people to use 1-2 plastic bottles a day here). // After community service concluded, we were originally planning on going to a Starbucks by the beach and seeing the lovers post office (a famous site here), but the rain cancelled those plans so we settled on KTV instead. Unfortunately, the canteen KTV was closed, so Chris took us to a KTV in the middle of nowhere (aka Huitong, I think) near the edge of campus. On our way there, Alec and Anthony blasted music out of the speaker they bought at Gongbei. The most memorable moment of the walk was dancing to YMCA on the median (and everywhere else tbh we listened to the song like 20 times) and getting filmed by a police officer who thought it was funny. Also practicing my angry Chinese and making a guy who walked by laugh. KTV was really fun--we sang lots of American songs (we belted out Party in the USA more than once) and had a blast even though the program didn’t appear to have any song from after 2010. There was no Lana del Rey, so BBC and I sang Adele instead. While I did enjoy myself, my fun was sort of ruined by the fact that I was in the middle of having what I would describe as not-quite-an-anxiety-attack-but-getting-there because of a dog that we passed that was in really, really bad shape. I won’t go into the details again but I’m constantly frustrated here by the low standard for animal care and the lack of humane societies, etc…I understand that it’s not a priority at the moment but that doesn’t make it any less saddening, frustrating, etc. Queen Isabel and several of my friends (shoutout to Grace, Lexi, Josh, Alec and BBC...y'all are the best) helped me through it and I still managed to enjoy the evening. I had a few McDonalds fries (which was concerning because I had told my parents I was going to eat a full dinner), and Chris helped me and Alec call a cab to get home. // Once I arrived home, my mom brought out some mussels (? Some sort of shell thing) and told me that I had to eat it right now or it would go bad. So we had mussels, apples, bread and milk. A very confusing dinner but very good nonetheless. My sister asked me if I wanted to watch a certain TV show and at first I didn’t know what she was talking about, but then I realized it’s actually a show I watch online in the States and got h y p e d // In the middle of the show, my mom yelled really loud and then my sister started yelling too. At first, I was really confused but I soon found out that my sister was one of three in four hundred to get 100% on her exams. Then I started yelling too. I understood a few things my dad said for the first time (which surprised BOTH of us) and generally had a good evening. My dad told me I should call my actual mom and dad every day, so I called my actual parents before bed and ended up staying up super late again. Oops (are you seeing a pattern here?). Anyways, it was a roller coaster of an evening but everything turned out alright! // 周三（zhōusān, Wednesday): Classes were alright as usual. We’ve started “learning” song lyrics during the after lunch class. Oh yeah, one thing I forgot to mention is that I found out two of the TAs (one of whom I was very intimidated by before) are big kpop fans! They played a song on Tuesday on the projector (车老师 commented that the only kpop group she knew was BIGBANG), which was already a bop, but on Wednesday I found out that Ruby and I are both major BTS fans (specifically, I described them as my favorite group on the planet and she agreed). I did one of the dances I learned for her (she filmed it 😂) and she then immediately added me on multiple social media platforms. You can make fun of me all you want, but Kpop has been the common interest that allowed me to bond with many people here (we’re talking 30-50% of all the Chinese people I have made friendships with). Anyways, after having a fun time in class (we also did calligraphy practice today), we headed to culture class. This week we learned 空竹（kōngzhú， aka Diabolo aka Chinese Yoyo). The class was the most fun after I accepted that I was going to do terribly and focused on having a good time and getting a solid grasp on the basics. My group was Garrett, Sydney, Abigale and Outing as our 语伴（so I stopped calling him traitor). By the end of class, I was definitely still in the bottom 3 but I could do several tricks. After class, Alec, Maya, Garrett and I went to McDonalds at the transfer station (which is waaayyy better than McDonalds in America) and got green tea soft serve. It was really good (especially knowing that, just like on America, McDs ice cream machine se are perpetually broken here), but Garrett said he would never order another matcha flavored thing in his life. Afterwards, we took the bus home together...Maya took the wrong bus. // Feeling content, I got home to an empty house. My mom came home briefly, and imagine my surprise when she pulled out two pieces of apple pie and offered me one. Oops, not a good day to have a gigantic ice cream after school (and a small one at lunch). So I had the pie, then she made dinner (I’m confused about the order too…) and left again. // I decided to give my friend 朱明亮 a call and we talked for the better part of an hour. It was so nice to actually be able to speak and understand Chinese…maybe it’s the accent in Guangdong or maybe I’m just bad at Chinese but I never know what people are saying and it’s incredibly frustrating (I especially can’t understand guys..maybe because of the lower register). While we talked, I practiced my left hand chopstick skills...we don't need to talk about how that went. After the conversation, I practiced piano for Saturday (more details on that in a sec), did my homework (sort of) and went to bed. // 周四（Zhōusì, Thursday): Thursday’s classes were hard. We covered a LOT of grammar points and it was a lot to take in. This whole week was a lot to take in in terms of course material…this class moves almost 3x the pace of my normal class at school. Since this weekend's cultural excursion would be a visit to Guangzhou, the TAs gave us a class on the history of Guangzhou and some cool places to visit there. Then they presented the stamp winners for the week. This week, stamps were kept in a public place, so I got a little more competitive. My efforts paid off, however, because I got that #1. // After class, it was time for community service again. My group wrote our campaign, Chris helped us create a slogan and we designed t-shirts. Since our group wasn’t focused the whole time and we talked a lot about what we were doing, we haven’t actually translated the elevator pitch to Chinese but that’s okay. Also, I definitely didn’t write the wrong character in the slogan on the back of the shirt...I don’t know what you’re talking about. Zack got w o k e about plastic pollution in China and our final slogan is: “笑笑改变，大有不同 - Cleaner Zhuhai, Brand New City” (Translation: “A small change can make a big difference"which is already apparently a phrase charged with environmental connotations according to Chris, so that’s good). After community service, Maya and I definitely didn’t go do ballet in a studio on campus. Nope. I definitely wasn’t instructed to keep that on the DL (which is equally fun to say in Chinese, as it turns out). Other things that definitely did not happen: 1) being super out of shape and barely being able to do a grande plié 2) Having a really awkward conversation when two university students who were actually supposed to be there came in to use the room. After not-dancing, Maya took the wrong bus so she could ride with me, and I headed home to practice piano, pack up for Guangzhou, and otherwise prepare. // 周五（zhōuwǔ，Friday）: On Friday morning, we met up at the hotel and took the bus to Guangzhou. I tried to sleep a bit on the way there, but the scenery outside was really cool (SO different from the US omg) and the kids sitting in the back of the bus were blasting music (YMCA made a comeback), but the music was good so I can’t complain. My favorite was when they played "Empire State of Mind” but sang “Guangzhou” every time Alicia Keys said New York. Our first stop was the American Consulate in Guangzhou. After getting through security, we entered the building and I immediately felt like I was in America again. Maybe it was the super strong AC. Maybe it was the bathrooms (which not only had the first western toilets I had seen in two weeks but TP, soap and paper towels. I literally did a celebratory dance. There were several witnesses). Maybe it was the diplomat who spoke with us’ southern accent. Or maybe it was the fact that technically we had returned to America (apparently the consulate is considered American territory? According to Anthony). Anyways, after speaking with a Foreign Service Officer about his job, the role of the US embassies in China and of the Guangzhou consulate in particular, we bid our farewells. Leaving the consulate and returning to daily life in China was a weird and unexpected shock to my system. I don’t know what happened inside that consulate but it was like a weird mindset shift. Anyways, soon enough I was back to normal. Our next stop was a restaurant called Panxi. This was, no exaggeration, the most amazing restaurant I’ve been to in my entire life. Not because of the food (although the food was good), but because of the building itself. We entered into a courtyard where there was a waterfall (not a baby one but like 14+ feet) flowing into a koi pond, lanterns hanging from the wooden roof over the walkways, and several pathways leading to different rooms where we could eat. Our room was not only overlooking a pond, but appeared to be over the pond. It was absolutely gorgeous, and I had a great time chatting with friends as we watched the monsoon rain pelt the surface of the water. We also watched construction take place on the building, and construction is terrifying here. They use bamboo scaffolding, and it seems really unsteady and no one uses harnesses, even if three stories high. I have seen this in both Zhuhai and Guangzhou and it is very impressive but very nervewracking. // After lunch, we went to two museums–the Thirteen Hongs museum and the Liwan museum. The former was a museum that talked about the history of the Thirteen Hongs, which were a group of businessmen/companies that were the only ones licensed to do business with foreign countries during the Qing dynasty (the last dynasty before the Republic of China). They did their trading out of Guangzhou, and the museum was full of items that were traded,old maps, information, paintings, everything you can imagine. Guangzhou has a history of combining East and West (because of the Thirteen Hongs situation, I think), and this manifested itself in very interesting ways. One of the most interesting things I saw at the museum (although everything was absolutely stunning; the intricacy and care that went into every product was overwhelming) was a shell carving that had been done by a Chinese artist of the Last Supper and other Biblical scenes. Guangzhou also has a much higher foreigner population than Zhuhai (I saw more there in two days than in my entire time in Zhuhai). The second museum, called the Liwan museum, was a replica of a typical Xiguan house, which were a group of people that often did business with/interacted with foreigners. As such, several architectural elements included Western components. That being said, a lot of the house was built with traditional Chinese beliefs (and some specific to Guangdong/Guangzhou, e.g. Things related to how words sound in Cantonese), which was very interesting. Afterwards, we were given time to explore this very pretty little area of town. Richa and I paired off and saw a shrine, traditional opera, passed by a beautiful lake (which had some boats underwater that were clearly there on purpose but for no apparent reason), several vendors, and met some people who were very excited to say Hello to us. We also might have gotten followed briefly but 没关系。We were supposed to get dinner on our own, but we didn’t realize where we were supposed to go (up this one road) so we quickly walked over there, got 包子 and milk tea (I was very proud of us for successfully ordering both in Chinese and surviving when the 包子store owner tried to hold a conversation with us…I have a feeling neither of us were understanding each other but that’s pretty standard for my conversations here so I’m not worried about it). After, we rode the bus to a ferry stop by the Pearl River and were given time to walk around. Grace, Maya and I walked together. The experience started off by me getting yelled at at full volume by a old guy on a bike with some baskets because I didn’t realize I was in his way. Some bystanders found this hilarious, I did not. After our walk up and down the river, we ran to make it back on time and got on the ferry. The ferry was ~awesome~. We got to see the lights of the city at night (and on the water), and got to go up close to the Guangzhou tower (which is the seventh tallest building in the world, apparently). It was absolutely gorgeous (I’m not doing it justice with my words here). Also, after helping these people take a picture, they asked to take a picture with me which is the first time I’ve been asked for a picture in China (yay?). I also got to talk to Grace a lot which was really nice, she is very similar to me and I enjoy her company. After the ferry, we headed to the hotel. For this trip, I roomed with Tully. Before room checks, after a failed attempt to go to the roof, we all met up in Garrett’s room. Matthew was spooked because the room across (next to?) his and Josh’s was room 444 (which is, like, the worst and most unlucky number possible here…I’m actually surprised the hotel has one) and then their lights went out, so he was doing martial arts. It was very intimidating. Josh, Maya, Anthony and I then spent the hour stretching (or in Josh’s case, struggling and suffering) and goofing around. The stretching was prompted by Katie showing all of us that she is RIDICULOUSLY flexible (after which I encouraged her to take up ballet), which made Garrett look physically pained just from watching. After curfew, Tully and I talked, which was mice because I don’t see her or talk to her a lot, and we went to sleep without showering because the room was kinda gross. // 周六（zhōuliù，Saturday): Saturday was just as wild as Friday, if not more so (which I didn’t think was possible). The first order of business was breakfast. Fully, David, Abigale, Shayley, Maya, Reyna, maybe Zack (sorry I forgot) and I went to a local shop to eat 肠粉 (chángfěn），a Guangdong specialty. It’s a dish that they make by pouring out rice batter (that’s definitely the wrong word) in a thin layer on a sheet, adding veggies and/or egg and/or meat and then cooking it (I think they steamed it). Then they roll it all up and cover it with a sauce. I had the veggie one and some chocolate bean milk thing (as far as I know) and it was very delicious. Then we were off to a local elementary school. They gave us an orchestra performance using traditional Chinese instruments and these kids were crazy good. They were between ages 7 and 11 and they had been selected to join this orchestra. Saturday was their first day of break but they all seemed happy to be there. After a few traditional songs, they let us go up to kids and have them teach us how to play. I tried out the guzheng (which was super cool), the erhu (which I was terrible at but had fun with) and another instrument whose name I forget right now (you use hammers to hit strings and I was very very confused and bad at it). Most of the kids I talked to were practicing an hour or more a day, and were very very good. One kid who stood out was a guy who could play both the hammer+strong instrument and a Chinese drum. When they went around and introduced all the instruments to us, kids did solos on each instrument and he did the drum-it was stunning. He played so quickly and precisely!!! Then, it was time for us to perform for them. I played the Rachmaninoff Prelude (a shortened version), but I sort of botched the performance and I’m not sure why. Then we all sang the chorus of “对不起” (the song about our Chinese being bad) and the kids played more traditional music and a western classical song adapted to their orchestra (which was really cool). After, I was feeling kind of crappy about my performance when we went down to the bottom level and goofed around on the playground before taking some pictures with the kids and heading out. Imagine my surprise when one kid asked for my autograph, and then suddenly a group of kids all wanted me to sign things and give them my WeChat username. That was quite literally my 15 minutes of fame! // After heading out, we spent a few minutes in a square nearby (some of my new elementary school friends were there) and then headed to lunch. Lunch was not as good, which was probably not helped by the fact that there were several older guys smoking inside. This is one of the things I’ve had a lot of trouble getting used to here–there are a LOT of smokers here, and while I often see signs inside that say no smoking, I also have gotten used to seeing ashtrays inside those very same rooms. The toilet experience there was….unpleasant, and then we were off to a tea house. // As we got off the bus and began to walk to the tea house, rain was POURING. I was wearing my rap jacket (I forgot my umbrella at school, oops) and by the time we entered the tea house, my entire lower half was drenched. I spent the first few minutes awkwardly wringing out my dress and using tissues to attempt to dry myself off. // This teahouse was very different from the one my mom took me to; rather than one table, it had three stories, multiple side rooms, and many many many different kinds of tea (for a significant price). One of the coolest things was getting to talk to the owner about his company (he also owns a tea bank and apparently a mountain? I heard he rents the mountain? Not super clear), getting to see this big wood fourpostbed-looking thing that people would drink tea at from the Qing dynasty, and getting to have a conversation (entirely in Chinese) with one of the ladies about the different tools used at the table. The latter was a bit stressful because I couldn’t understand a lot, but I had to help my friends. We got the gist of what was going on, so all was well. Afterwards, we headed down for the tea ceremony. I have always thought of drinking tea as a quiet affair, but there were three guys there who were really loud and an absolute RIOT. One of them really hit it off with Alec and Isabel, and I will cherish the memory of them all loudly yelling 干杯(gānbēi，cheers, coincidentally one of this weeks vocabulary words) and making everyone on our half of the gigantic wooden table toast (and then them taking selfies together), which I’m pretty sure isn’t traditional tea protocol 😂 After tea, they gave us each a bag that had information and a teacup in it (!), which was super generous, and we were swept back onto the bus. // A few hours later, we were back in Zhuhai. Everyday Zhuhai feels more and more like home, so I am getting more and more sad at the thought of having to say goodbye. But returning to Zhuhai didn’t mean my excitement was over for the day. My sister had a piano recital, and I was in charge of getting myself there. My mom had sent me directions for which bus stops to take, and the first ride went perfectly. But then, there were no busses coming any time soon to my intermediate stop, so I had a problem. My mom told me to take a taxi, and if I couldn’t figure it out, to ask someone at the station to help me. No one was at the station. Now, in case you were wondering, here’s a list of things I have never done: 1) Taken a taxi by myself 2) Completed a taxi transaction in an unfamiliar place in the middle of China 3) Completed a taxi transaction in Chinese. Well, I’m proud to say that I managed to do all 3, and I even had a conversation with the driver about how long he had been driving, how long he had been in Zhuhai, how long I had been in China, etc. He helped me find my building, and my journey was complete! My mom was very proud/impressed/surprised that I had successfully navigated (I was a little concerned at how surprised she was), and I was greeted with a good old fashioned fast food dinner of French fries, a chicken sandwich and soda. That was a little bit of a shock to my system (the first "American” meal I’d had since I arrived) but a welcome taste from home. After, we headed upstairs to watch the recital. //The recital was my little sister and a bunch of high school students, and some of these kids were really good. One girl was 15 and played 4 songs, including a full sonata and the Revolutionary Etude. I was floored by her talent. At the end of the show, I ended up befriending her and a few other students. I’m excited to have some friends that are around my age! I goofed around on one of the pianos outside during intermission (aka poorly played Rachmaninoff and Chopin) and some people started filming me…not because it was really good, just because I’m a 外国人 . I don’t mind, it’s just a little odd when people take pictures of you/film you without ever talking to you or asking permission. // 周日（zhōurì，Sunday): After the excitement of the past few days, Sunday was a welcome rest. I woke up a little later than usual and my family and I went out to 早茶(zǎochá）, which translates to morning tea but is actually like lots of small dishes that you can eat for breakfast or lunch or in our case, brunch. We had 早茶 in this really cool restaurant where the top floors were hotel rooms and the bottom floors were like hotel rooms but for eating. Each party gets its own room with a table and very nice bathroom. The bathrooms had western toilets, toilet paper AND soap so the restaurant definitely got my stamp of approval. Okay, back to the food. We had everything from red bean buns shaped like pigs (which were SO CUTE) to squares of what looked like super fancy layered jello (I would say the flavor but I have no idea what the flavor was). It was very delicious but my stomach got a little overwhelmed by how many sweet and oily things there were. When I declined sugar in my warm milk drink, my mom declined it for me first and told my dad (in Chinese) that I was afraid of getting fat and so I wouldn’t want any. I retorted that I was not in fact afraid of getting fat and that I just didn’t want sugar in my drink. I think she thinks this because I don’t eat a lot, but I DO eat a lot (I was literally never hungry the first week because I am constantly being fed or having more food put on my plate). Confusing remarks aside, I had a really nice meal and this was the first time our whole family sat down at the same table to eat together, so I enjoyed the morning. Then, my dad, sister and I took the train that goes alongside the road home, which was very nice and a fun new experience. // After getting home, my sister and I both worked on homework. She asked me to help her translate the English text she was reading into Chinese, but my Chinese wasn’t good enough so I was pretty useless there. Her homework and mine made me so tired I fell asleep (that’s my homework strategy in America too…I’m a consistent student). After I woke up, Maya and I decided to meet up to hang out in TangJia. I took the bus over and had a really nice time walking in the park and goofing around on all the exercise equipment with her (despite the weird looks we got from some police officers). It was also nice to have a long, peaceful conversation with a friend after such a whirlwind of a week. I came home for dinner, watched TV with the fam, and started writing this blog post!// Okay this last part is going to be a little TMI, so if that’s not your thing, catch you next week. For you brave souls, I have a few more comments to make. 1) Being a girl and dealing with all the bodily functions that come as a result of that is Not A Fun Time in China. It’s annoying and inconvenient and has made me like squat pots less. 2) Having some stomach emergencies during your sisters piano recitals intermission and then running out of tissues in the land of no-TP-in-public-restrooms is an experience you won’t and can’t forget. // Okay, that’s it for this week! ✌️️