i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

god of war: ragnarok starters

may contain spoilers !

❝ trust? you have broken my trust. ❞ ❝ you seemed troubled in your sleep, even for you. nightmares? ❞   ❝ if you’re not fighting dirty, you’re not fighting, right? ❞   ❝ the worst is still ahead of us. we must be strong. ❞   ❝ it’s times like this i really miss home. ❞ ❝ you must live with your deeds, but do not be troubled by them. ❞ ❝ you don’t strike me as someone who fears death. ❞ ❝ that is not who i am anymore. ❞   ❝ the problem doesn’t have to reach our doorstop to be our responsibility. ❞   ❝ please don’t make me do this. ❞   ❝ the storm is getting worse. ❞   ❝ i’d offer you a hug, but why traumatise either of us further. ❞   ❝ whatever anger you’re feeling, whatever loathing toward me...it’s nothing to what i’ve said to myself. ❞   ❝ i know the hate that burns you from within. i’ve felt those flames...known the comfort of their warmth. ❞   ❝ i do not need you to protect me. ❞   ❝ be glad you have a home to remember fondly. ❞   ❝ you’ve come a long way since i first met you. ❞   ❝ the pain only grows. will i ever be free of it? ❞ ❝ i need you...i can’t do this by myself. ❞   ❝ got a case of pride, i get it. hope yours clears up quicker than mine did. ❞   ❝ you were given an impossible problem. do not blame yourself for failing to solve it. ❞ ❝ you speak of your deeds with shame. ❞ ❝ i wronged you. and i cannot change that...and can never apologise enough for it. ❞   ❝ we do not know what lies ahead. i wish to enjoy the time we have left. ❞   ❝ there is no need to shoulder this burden on your own. ❞   ❝ i suppose that’s all any of us can hope for in the end. that our death has purpose. ❞   ❝ i don’t need to hear about your mistakes. i’ve made enough of my own, thanks. ❞   ❝ some free advice? you don’t want to let anyone catch you talking to your sword. ❞   ❝ you reek of cheap mead and that is by far your most endearing characteristic. ❞   ❝ i expected you to come and find me. that no matter how hurt or angry, you wouldn’t abandon me when i needed you the most. ❞   ❝ you started this fight --- i will end it. ❞   ❝ you don’t have to do this kinda stuff just to keep my mind off things. ❞   ❝ could i ever think of this place as home again? after all that’s happened? ❞   ❝ all too often, people are blinded to all but their immediate self-interest. ❞ ❝ not exactly a calming presence, are you? ❞ ❝ know that all reigns end, and all empires fall. ❞ ❝ do not doubt the lengths i will go to. ❞ ❝ so much has been taken from me and i’m supposed to let it all go? ❞   ❝ if you don’t think i could lead us, just say so. ❞ ❝ i’m not saying anything you haven’t thought. ❞ ❝ there’s no making this right, is there? ❞ ❝ love should be---could be---stronger than hatred. ❞ ❝ it seems to me we share a common enemy. ❞ ❝ i know how bad it can get with one’s own kin. ❞ ❝ seems the only thing i can do right these days is destroy everything around me. ❞ ❝ i am haunted by your incompetence. it keeps me up at night. ❞ ❝ so i’m not allowed to give you a nickname? ❞ ❝ oooh, getting nosey. getting personal. ❞ ❝ that’s the most dangerous and irresponsible thing i’ve ever heard. ❞ ❝ i haven’t given up hope on you. ❞ ❝ i had hoped my days of ceaseless battles were over. ❞ ❝ to grieve deeply is to love fully. ❞ ❝ the truth is always more complicated. to imagine it’s simple is dangerous. ❞   ❝ you're a killer, just like your father. ❞ ❝ you think you just get to walk away? ❞   ❝ uh...someone’ll clean that up. ❞ ❝ i dont know if we’re breaking fate, or fate’s breaking us. ❞ ❝ how can you, of anyone alive, be squeamish about war? ❞ ❝ oh, wow...that’s quite the compliment. ❞ ❝ i grow tired of your lack of empathy. ❞ ❝ to abandon a poisonous path and walk another is no small challenge. ❞   ❝ can i get you a water or something? ❞ ❝ confronting the past comes with a price. ❞ ❝ i want things to be the way they were. ❞ ❝ being in love’s always a risk. that’s what makes it fun. ❞ ❝ i was always fond of our talks, you know. ❞ ❝ curiosity’s all well and good...but so’s privacy, yes? ❞ ❝ whatever you ask, consider it done. i am forever in your debt. ❞ ❝ what’s the biggest thing you’ve ever fought? ❞ ❝ so...was this all that you hoped for? ❞ ❝ the closer we get, the more tightness grows in my chest. ❞ ❝ your path leads to countless deaths. unimaginable pain and suffering. ❞ ❝ can’t you take a joke, you old goat? ❞ ❝ everyone takes it easy on you because they’re scared of your father. ❞ ❝ that’s family.    you got to keep them close where they can make you good and crazy. ❞ ❝ maybe, for the moment, you’re of more use to me alive. ❞ ❝ look at the ruins before you and understand the truth: this was your doing. ❞ ❝ forgive me. my words were chosen carelessly. ❞ ❝ my success does not come from luck. ❞ ❝ just shut up and drink. ❞ ❝ no matter the size, every creature has a weakness. ❞ ❝ sometimes we never really know the ones we love. ❞ ❝ tell me about your homeland. ❞ ❝ leadership? not really my strong suit, let’s be honest. ❞ ❝ what am i gonna do, walk around with a bandage on my head, begging for attention? ❞ ❝ why are you so bent on hurting me like this? i’ve done nothing to you. ❞ ❝ you seem like a calm and reasonable person.      are you a calm and reasonable person? ❞ ❝ i’ve seen my fair share of bloodshed, but this is an awful lot for one morning. ❞ ❝ if you’re planning on killing me, at least let me finish this song. ❞ ❝ everywhere i look, i am reminded of my mistakes. ❞ ❝ i have seen many lands. many realms. i can tell you with some certainty: no such paradise exists. ❞ ❝ do something about it or shut up already. ❞ ❝ breaking tension with humour is the sacred duty of a travelling companion. ❞ ❝ forgiveness can be powerful. even for the unworthy. ❞ ❝ you have no idea the kind of shit i’ve been through. ❞ ❝ our actions have consequences. to be reminded of them is not a punishment. ❞ ❝ take the hint. go away. ❞ ❝ something is on your mind. what is it? ❞ ❝ what a twisted little soul you have. ❞ ❝ your eyes say everything. ❞ ❝ me and you against the world, huh? just like the old days. ❞ ❝ there is no making things right. only better than they were. ❞ ❝ without me? i thought we were partners. ❞ ❝ this will end in blood. the only question that remains is which side is willing to spill more. ❞ ❝ i have lost myself before. more than once. ❞ ❝ you cannot sneak up on me like that. ❞ ❝ is it always moral to kill something that’s trying to kill you? ❞ ❝ we’ve gotta be more than a bunch of stories with our endings already written. ❞ ❝ the smell is making my eyes burn. ❞ ❝ you are staring... ❞ ❝ even the brightest among us carry darkness. ❞ ❝ anyone ever tell you that you babble when you’re terrified? ❞ ❝ every path i walk...leads back to vengeance. ❞ ❝ maybe our families are just meant to be enemies. ❞ ❝ i know how it feels...to lose a parent. ❞ ❝ your love of this place...i can feel it. anyone can. ❞ ❝ what you can do is get the fuck out of my sight. ❞ ❝ it was stupid of me to hope in the first place. ❞ ❝ is that regret in your voice? ❞ ❝ there are things even gods cannot control. ❞ ❝ you don’t care about anyone beyond yourself. ❞ ❝ say something. i enjoy hearing your voice. ❞ ❝ does it frighten you? that is why you must do it. ❞ ❝ the dumb doesn’t fall far from the tree. ❞ ❝ you’re quite agitated, even for you. ❞ ❝ ain’t you never seen a legend in the flesh before? ❞ ❝ you are one of the few i would call a ‘friend’. ❞ ❝ this place is kinda pretty, when things aren’t trying to kill us. ❞ ❝ i find the hues and shades of your shortcomings almost moving. ❞ ❝ i still might kill you when this is over. ❞ ❝ i wish i could do more, i really do. ❞ ❝ do you ever have those moments where you wish you could...go back? rewrite your own past, make different decisions. ❞ ❝ do you want me to stop talking about your muscles? ❞ ❝ you are a formidable warrior, but even more than that, you have a good heart. ❞ ❝ this world takes more strength than it gave me. ❞ ❝ i’m trying to save your life, you big jerk. ❞ ❝ at least something out here doesn’t wanna kill me. ❞ ❝ i’ll just say it. i’m getting a really terrible feeling from this place. ❞ ❝ violence changes us. you are not weak to feel its effects. ❞ ❝ i’ve always loved you, you know. ❞ ❝ what side are you on anyway? ❞ ❝ everything was fine until you showed up. ❞ ❝ i have been...falling back into my old ways. angry. distrustful. ❞ ❝ one day, you will have to survive. without me. ❞ ❝ you don’t have to like me but...we’re gonna have to trust each other. ❞ ❝ you think war drives me? or power? wealth? no. never has. ❞ ❝ and they say i’m the bad guy. ❞ ❝ you feel it in the air, don’t you? the anxiety. ❞ ❝ i’m not being weird, you’re being weird. ❞ ❝ sure you’re up for breaking the rules like this? ❞ ❝ doubt is a weakness we cannot afford. ❞ ❝ mm. i do not like riddles. ❞ ❝ it just seems like a lot for someone your age. ❞ ❝ use the judgement of a man and not of a child. ❞ ❝ so what are we supposed to do? roll over? do nothing? ❞ ❝ war will not give you the purpose you seek. ❞ ❝ nasty hit! are you alright? ❞ ❝ well, glad you survived the first day. ❞ ❝ what do you think? is there a right side in this war? ❞ ❝ didn’t you ever have an awkward phase in your youth? ❞ ❝ you will not find me good company. ❞ ❝ how about we just don’t kill each other? ❞ ❝ what have your promises ever been worth? ❞ ❝ why would you come this way alone? ❞ ❝ leave now, whether you value your life or peace in your death. ❞ ❝ i put you in so much pain. put you in a terrible situation. ❞ ❝ the most difficult battles are fought within. ❞ ❝ it’s not my job to teach you everything. ❞ ❝ thanks for patching me up. ❞ ❝ loss can do things to a man. ❞ ❝ i don’t know why i thought i could do this alone. ❞ ❝ i will do what it takes to keep you safe. ❞ ❝ a desperate creature can be the most dangerous. ❞ ❝ you’re just sharing your thoughts on a subject you know nothing about. ❞ ❝ this isn’t who you want to be. ❞ ❝ i knew this was going too smoothly. ❞ ❝ can one man do this much damage? ❞ ❝ this is your final warning. ❞ ❝ you have a lot of nerve, know that? ❞ ❝ i am counting on you. to be safe. to be smart. ❞ ❝ uh, maybe that’s not a good idea? ❞ ❝ well, that was violent. ❞ ❝ don’t go to too much trouble on my account. ❞ ❝ are you not a soldier? are you not a leader of people? ❞ ❝ just when i thought you couldn’t get even more godly. ❞ ❝ do you wish to speak of what happened? ❞ ❝ you have no hold on me any more. ❞ ❝ have you ever been in love? ❞ ❝ mind if i give you the best advice you’ve heard all day and possibly ever? sleep. ❞ ❝ you’ll have my wise and faithful counsel always. ❞ ❝ look, i just want to do the right thing. ❞ ❝ all i ask for is a good night’s rest. ❞ ❝ you’re angry with me, aren’t you? ❞ ❝ we live in strange times. ❞ ❝ do you hear that? i thought i heard a voice. ❞ ❝ any outsider is considered a threat. ❞ ❝ it is not always wrong to trust people. ❞ ❝ never thought i’d be so relieved to be back here. ❞ ❝ well, we all make mistakes. ❞ ❝ this is the craziest thing i’ve ever done. ❞ ❝ when we get out of here, i’ll give you some space. ❞ ❝ violence cannot prevent violence. ❞ ❝ the truth can be a cruel thing. ❞ ❝ defy your prophecy at your own peril. ❞ ❝ i must say, i think we make a good team. ❞ ❝ where would you even be without me? ❞ ❝ calm your mind. control it. ❞ ❝ you look...weirder than i imagined. ❞ ❝ we must tread carefully. danger is close. ❞ ❝ there are worse things to discover about someone you love. ❞ ❝ i know how it feels to be wronged. ❞ ❝ did you just wake up with the urge to be a pain in my ass? ❞ ❝ is it revenge if justice is served? ❞ ❝ sometimes there is no other way. ❞ ❝ all journeys come to an end. ❞ ❝ you’re the first person that i’ve talked to in a really long time. ❞ ❝ i’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment. ❞ ❝ so...do you forgive me? ❞ ❝ sorry, i’m just really excited to talk to you. ❞ ❝ is there any way to stop fate? ❞ ❝ it would be the first time in a while i have something truly mine. ❞ ❝ the earth is the reflection of those who tend it. ❞ ❝ i have to say. i am profoundly unimpressed. ❞ ❝ i did not come to you for a lecture. ❞ ❝ perhaps there is a measure of monster inside us all. ❞ ❝ i was about to look for you. ❞ ❝ i said we would speak no more of that. ❞ ❝ peace cannot endure without force to protect it. ❞ ❝ what is it you will not tell me? ❞ ❝ where has everyone gone, i wonder? ❞ ❝ i suppose we’re all entitled to walk our own paths. regardless of where they end. ❞ ❝ you are in way over your head. ❞ ❝ so much about that day i wish i could change. ❞ ❝ it is difficult to seek forgiveness when you feel unworthy. ❞ ❝ i don’t recall asking you to come along. ❞ ❝ don’t you know who i am? ❞ ❝ real power does not need to flaunt. it emerges when the time is right. ❞ ❝ i don’t move, you don’t move. don’t do anything you’ll regret. ❞ ❝ sorry we got off on the wrong foot there. ❞ ❝ i meant it when i said you’re not a prisoner here. ❞ ❝ the culmination of love is grief, and still we open our hearts to the inevitable. ❞ ❝ why aren’t we working together? ❞ ❝ maybe together we can take back what’s ours. ❞ ❝ you don’t hear me spreading your business all around town, do you? ❞ ❝ you judge me? you? ❞ ❝ you think i’m being stupid. ❞ ❝ go before i change my mind. ❞ ❝ you deserve nothing but pain. ❞ ❝ always expect the unexpected. ❞ ❝ don’t go telling anyone about that. ❞ ❝ i shouldn’t have listened to you. ❞ ❝ you think my anger is irrational? ❞ ❝ prophecies are slippery by nature. ❞ ❝ seek no quarrel with me, and i’ll have no quarrel with you. ❞ ❝ you’re a destroyer, like me. ❞ ❝ you think i’m trouble? you just met me. ❞ ❝ not sure that makes me feel any better... ❞ ❝ let me see the monster inside. ❞ ❝ i know what you’re doing.     trying to play on my sympathies in the hope i let you live. ❞ ❝ i do not want you to feel alone. ❞ ❝ the mistakes of the past need not be repeated. ❞ ❝ never mind...i shouldn’t have asked. ❞ ❝ i regret many things. killing you will not be one of them. ❞ ❝ do you believe in fate? ❞ ❝ you can’t kill what you can’t catch. ❞ ❝ i just could use some fresh air, is all. ❞ ❝ i told you never to come back here. ❞  

i constantly compare my heartbreak to grief

and i fear myself insensitive for it

i never experienced the loss of a loved one

so i can't claim to know that pain

but i can see my own reflected in the stories they tell

the poems they write

the anger that radiates off them

i find myself in their tales

and i take their advice as my own

and when nothing else can rebuild me,

it's only when i allow myself to treat what i feel like grief that i am able to breathe

im told the worst part of grief

if watching the world move on

without your loved one

hearing as their name is mentioned less and less

the tragic thing is

when someone dies

their name is mentioned less and less over time, this is true

but when they are brought up it is with love and light, fondness and nostalgia

no one talks about you like this anymore

i can only keep your name alive

by telling all the worst stories

for people are already growing tired of those, they certainly would not take well to the remembrance of the good

so i have to hold it all in my head

have to supress the feeling of your arms around me,

ignore the memories of laughter in smoke filled cars

pretend i never chased you around the springs, kissing you everytime we came up for air

forget the mornings waking up first and watching you sleep

cover the memory of your joy and love filled eyes

hide the absolute ecstasy i felt when you finally found your passion for life

i know it was bad

it was awful

i cant stop hearing your words on repeat

i can't ever forgive you

but god i hate that that means i have to grieve you, everyday

no funeral to attend

no eulogy to give

the ghost of you still haunting the dorm

haunting my dreams

haunting me

Why is opera so great?

the short answer is in large part this post by my dear friend @madmozarteanfelinefantasy.

the long answer:

there’s an old saying that goes “when you sing, you pray twice”. I’d like to take that a step further. when you sing, whatever you say has twice the meaning, twice the layers, and twice the expressivity. the music gives new depth to the words, and the words give expression and meaning to the music.

I recently listened to Christoph Willibald Gluck’s Iphigénie en Tauride for the first time. there is a fantastic aria called “La calme rentre dans mon cœur”, which more or less translates to “Calm re-enters my heart”. But the accompaniment in the orchestra is pulsing, restless, even under this long, lyrical vocal line. For the man singing it is lying to himself.

There’s an anecdote about this aria: after the opera premiered, a critic called Gluck out for writing an accompaniment that didn’t seem to make sense with the text. Gluck’s response was along the lines of “uh, yeah, he’s lying to himself, that’s the point.”

Songs mark not only momentous occasions in our lives but everyday ones. People sing to celebrate, to mourn, to do everything in between, to express their feelings.

And these are big feelings. I’ve always had big feelings but I come from an environment that frowned upon expressing big feelings or deviating from what was expected. From early on, I gravitated towards any creative medium I could find to express myself and show what I found and loved about the world around me, from photography to creative writing to performing.

When I first really started getting into opera in middle school, I quickly found that people in opera have HUGE feelings and have no problems expressing them. Or they’re not listened to by the people around them, but at least they can sing them in solitary arias. And I could understand what they were feeling, because I felt those same big emotions (albeit in different forms) too.

Opera is, in my opinion, one of the most quintessential, all-encompassingly human art forms out there. It has everything: music, theater, writing, art, dance, technical arts, comedy, tragedy, and ultimately humanity.

Humanity is flawed and often illogical, and I have yet to find another art form that captures that so fearlessly. Opera is not afraid to be illogical, because we are illogical. We are human. And that comes with so many flaws but also so much beauty, goodness, wonder, and courage.

I’m still listening to Iphigénie en Tauride, so another example from this opera: towards the end of Act II, Iphigénie discovers (supposedly) that basically her entire family has slaughtered each other. She sings an absolutely magnificent aria expressing her grief, and there’s a moment towards the end where her fellow priestesses join her in her anguished singing. The effect is a collective cry from the hearts of people tired of decades of death and destruction. And then, these women, to a very spare accompaniment, work together to perform a ceremony for Iphigénie’s supposedly dead brother. My eyes are welling up as I listen to it and type this.

It is human to grieve. It is even more human to support each other in our grief, to help each other, to bury the dead, to sing in their memory, to somehow find closure in the rites, the music, the act of being together, alive, mourning the past and trying to carve out a future.

Opera has made me better understand and love humanity and the world around me. It has gotten me through many of the darkest times in my life, told me I am not alone, shown me that for all my many flaws, I am worthy and valuable and I must do everything I can to help others. Truthfully, I don’t know if I would be alive today without it.

My apologies for answering this ask so late. I hope this helps.

Honestly respect you so much for doing a canon rewrite and making an intense effort not to overwrite the development of other characters and overall themes. I know it's hard work because I've been working on a similar project for YEARS with a different fandom and Boy... It is a time. Best of luck to you!!

thank you so much!!! i wish you luck with your own projects too!! this is a very kind message, and it means a lot ♡

I've kind of rambled on abt AUs and this specific one and such because I'm tired, but I'll put that under the cut.

honestly i was very close to putting this project in particular down because - well, it is a bit indulgent! i am satisfied with how kai's story ends in-game, but i still wondered specifically how his dynamics with other characters would form if he was alive. this was especially important to me because ... we don't get to see much of sara's reaction! which is a shame! because she's the only person that really had any connection with him prior to the death game, and i would've liked to see her process it more.

BUT I've gone on. my point here was: i almost had to put it down because if sara and kai were to begin to reconcile, then kai would end up filling in the place that nao currently takes (specifically as a source of support and not wanting sara to burden herself) and it would be a disservice to both of their characters. and i didn't want that!!!

part of why chapter two hits so hard for me is because of the dynamic between sara and nao after the events of chapter one. they both admire the other for being strong, and try their best to support each other after the losses they endured. in order to keep this, i needed to add other factors to the story that would keep kai from disrupting it - beyond the fact that he wouldn't wish to make her uncomfortable. remedying this was an issue i had for a long time, but because it's been in the background for a while, i've found an alternative way to keep the weight of sou's antagonism, nao's support, and kai having a strong presence in the story without directly interacting with sara herself as often as others do. i could go into that but i am sleepy and this is getting long aghsms

but yeah!!! something i really appreciate about the original game is how these themes (especially of humanity and healing/grieving) are conveyed through the characters and their relation with each other (even in this short time) and in order to recreate the feeling of these satisfying arcs, you'd have to figure out why the original ones were put there at all! which usually ties into the overarching message and...idk aghsms dissecting this stuff is really fun for me, regardless of whether or not I'm trying to recreate it with stuff like this! but it really does help, especially with the relatively short time we have with the characters in this situation, to make it feel complete and fit in line with the impact the game provides without like...completely ripping the same few lines for its use? if that makes sense? like, understanding why this works is a key part to making the au feel complete and not just. shallow...? which sounds a little harsh, and i don't intend for it to be, because those can still be enjoyable! but it's just not my type of story???

surprisingly! i don't really like aus, generally. at least not making them myself. the premises are usually cool! I'll read a few on occasion. but i tend to be really thorough when i write things, and that's part of why my original story stuff has taken so long [alongside the entire. plot revamp OTL] too. i feel the need to pick apart every bit and make sure it's reasoned out properly, which is why a lot of my other wips tend to be left behind too...! if i can't figure out when this would take place, and it's not an easy fix to readjust to be compliant with the timeline, I'll usually discard it or completely rewrite it later on. it's not necessarily a good habit, but it's how i tend to work when it comes to writing!

erm. this was a lot afhsms but my main point is that...it really does mean a lot to me when the effort is actually recognized and i really do hope when i finish this project that it does work well and that I'm able to get the idea across as I've meant to!!! I really love yttd as it stands and i just hope this theoretical ends up feeling as put together and satisfying as most of the game has been so far! (just...hesitantly looking at ch3 ngl agbsms)

This post will contain mentions of various upsetting topics. I’m making this for myself, to help myself grieve and hopefully, one day, move on. I don’t want sympathy. Hell. I wish no one would see this. But I know myself and I know that writing it down in a book somewhere won’t help.

Tw: abuse, abuse of a child, and themes along those lines.

The thing they don’t tell you about child abuse is what it’s like to live as one. To grow up and become an adult, but to look back at the past and see the horror of it.

They don’t tell you the disbelief people have of you. Or the distrust. Or even the internal guilt of the anger you carry.

No they don’t tell you that. Hell. They don’t even care.

At 20 I’ve failed to hit milestones that I should have hit. And I’ve hit others far to early for someone my age. My life has been irrevocably changed because of my past and all I can do is live and cope with the effects.

I feel fundamentally broken because in some ways I am. No matter what people fucking say. I. Am. Broken. My childhood was ruined, and I have to now live with the consequences. “Oh you aren’t broken” go fuck yourself is what I want to say. I have accepted this fact and I am attempting to move on.

Today was bad and tomorrow might be worse but oh well, that’s my life. Regardless I have to go on because there’s no other options.

I can’t do basic things like spell because when I was learning I was to busy fighting for my fucking life.

“Oh but it was just emotional abuse it’s not as bad”. Sit for a second and imagine this: you’re 7 years old. Your parent has just gotten home and when you attempt to tell them about your day they snap and scream at you about how much of a bitch you are for the next hour. Now repeat that for the next 8-9 years.

I am damaged. And I’m coming to terms with that.

People look at me weird when I say it’s okay, but if it wasn’t okay I don’t think I could cope. I have to move on because if I dwell all the progress I’ve made will be ruined.

And the worst part is that I can’t physically say any of this. Anytime I try it’s like my throat freezes up and the urge to flee becomes to strong to stay still. It’s infuriating.

That’s not even to mention the sheer guilt of existing! Oh man thats the worst part! I feel guilty for just being alive sometimes, and trying to say anything about it makes it even worse! I feel guilt for thinking bad things. Guilt for being annoyed. Guilt for being to happy. Guilt for enjoying my life. Guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt. I can’t escape it.

And I didn’t do anything.

That’s what hurts the most.

Is that when you look at it, I was just a little girl who didn’t know what was going on and was scared. And in someways I never stopped being her. I have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions, and it seems like no one else will ever understand the sheer pain I feel in my soul.

And of course to me, everyone else’s problems are worse than mine. Who cares that I was emotionally abused. Everyone else has something that happened to them that’s more important. So little me just sits on the side hoping for that moment it will be her turn.

Her turn to cry and scream and get mad. Her turn to be the center of attention. Her turn to be taken seriously.

I’m so tired.

I’m so lonely.

I just want to be first.

And I’m just not. I never have been. Damaged goods don’t get to be first. I’ve never been the first one someone thought of. I’ve never been liked by anyone. Never asked if I was truly okay. It’s like no one sees me until I hit my breaking point. I’m so busy propping up everyone else that I just blend into the background.

I get made fun of for the things I like, so I stop talking about them. Instead I talk to myself because at least then I’ll be happy. I’m the weird person in the group, never fitting in and hoping to just be acknowledged.

I have broke down sobbing from it all in public places before, and I can count on one hand how many times my friends have stopped to help. I remember sobbing in a friends basement and all of them ignoring me. I remember crying in class and no one seeing me. Hell even now, I cry in the dead of night so no one can see.

I just want someone to care about me. To think about me first. To go “hey, I wonder what [] is doing today?” Like I do with so many other people.

I know that saying this all will cause me to spiral into pure grief but I have to let it out before it kills me. Before I am no longer me.

At this point I’m not even sure who me is. I’m still that little girl scared of the garage door going up. Scared of too loud footsteps. And scared of a phone ringing.

I want to be free to live my life without it all. To be proud of myself and the connections I have built. But I’m not.

Is it sad that I have to scream this here? That I can’t say this aloud with out crumpling under the weight of it? And I valid too? Am I allowed to be angry?

Am I allowed to be me?

I wish my best friend cared for me. I wish my past friends loved me as much as I did them. I wish the boys and girls I liked treated me more like a person. I wish I got to have that fun high school experience. I wish I grew up loved and safe. I wish for the future that I can’t have anymore.

I wish someone had saved me like I wished. That a teacher or a friend has noticed and stepped in to help like they always said they would.

I wish I was wanted. By anyone. Even just once.

But in the end I am tired and jaded. Worn down by it all.

I’ll keep moving on because of spite. Because I want to help people. Because despite it all I’m still kicking.

But everyday it gets a little bit harder.

I’m going to bed.

Anonymous letters #1,

Dear ,

Fuck you. Fuck you. I should have known better. I'm so stupid to have thought even only for a couple of days, that you could or would ever love me...

We're going in circles. Look at what you and I have both gone through. Look at what you're going through now. I can't believe you can't see me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it the way I look? You went from saying you'd [REDACTED] if I didn't [REDACTED] to putting me in a role I really don't want to be in. I'm upset, I'm confused, I'm hurt, I'm so tired I'm past the point of being sad anymore. It's just grief. Grieving my own life while I am still alive. Not just because of you of course, you're merely the sprinkles on top of the whole shit sundae.

As far as what you're going through now, that's when I found out, when I realized. I wanted to scream at and hurt the person that hurt you. I always want to do that for my friends but there was another level to it. At first I thought that hidden layer of anger was roiling beneath my bones because I knew exactly how it felt to have someone promise you the world, plan dreams with you, scheme the most beautiful future, and then drop you like a worthless sack of shit. Leaving you behind like the roadkill they were too weak and squeamish to put out of its misery after they wiped you off the pavement. Dragging your entrails behind them as they eat the last of your hollow gut until you are nothing but a skin. I onew how that felt and it made me seethe that someone would do that to you. I almost k1lled myself over that happening to me. After all the years of abuse I endured I was so angry by the time this happened I just broke.

The only reason I'm not considering death again is because I'm finally getting [REDACTED]. And even then I still have the "Emergency Exit" plan always in the back of my mind.

After this I realized there was another, deeper layer beneath, the molten rock heating the planetary body of my mind. I was so angry that someone would hurt you by leading you on the same way I experienced, and you went through it WAY longer than I did. I sincerely felt for your pain. Now my sympathy is sliding. But when I realized I wasn't just angry because they led you on and promised you and lied to you and dumped you just like I had experienced, I was angry because I thought "Well, but I would give you all those things. I'd love to give you all those things." and my pupils became blown with understanding.

I realized I loved you more than I thought. And love repulses me. I push you away. You don't want me. You think of me as a [REDACTED] and it freaks me out. I don't want you to think of me like that regardless of how I felt about you. I don't want that role. Is this what getting friendzoned feels like? I only know how it feels to have my body used and then dumped. I've never been through this. I love you different than I've ever loved someone. It feels weird and scary. And it feels even weirder and scarier because I'm scared you'd see me as a creep. When I'm just doing to you what you're doing to [REDACTED].

You chase after your friend because you're in love with them and would give them the workd, and you're angry she ignores you for someone shitty over and over, that she overlooks you, underestimates you, shirks you for less than she deserves. (Fuck it I'm saying she. I don't care, I'm letting it out somewhere. No one will ever find it here anyways.) She tells you that she loves you, has special moments with you, frequently expresses how much you mean to her. Are you connecting the dots? I've been doing that to you this whole time, hell, without me even realizing it til just recently.

I'm proud of you for taking your power back and ignoring her. Now I'm going to ignore you. And if I don't.... I don't know. I might grey rock. I just wish you'd give me a chance. I don't know how I want it to be just yet. I just want to know we could talk about it. To know you'd see my true intentions, that I want you to be happy. Even if you outgrew me, even if you got tired of me. You've just brought so much joy to my life. I've asked over and over for this angel to be sent to me, a real love that is true and wont hurt me or use me, and I've been so side tracted by worthless idiots and nonsense that I was too stupid to see it was obviously you. I don't care if we don't have a "traditional relationship". I just want to love you and to be seen as a legitimate option. I can give you land in the country, I can give you a house, I can give you love, and care, and protection. And I would.

But I won't. I love you differently because for the first time I love someone where I won't prioritize you above my safety, sanity, and peace. I've been doing the same thing to you that you did to [REDACTED] and now I'm ignoring you just like you are her, because she refuses to see you in all your greatness and splendor because she's too busy chasing someone who will never love her. Just. Like. You.

So for right now it's fuck you, I'm older and wiser, and I won't let you put me through [REDACTED] fucking years of this shit. Not me. I'm not that much of a clown. I've played the fool for enough people and I won't have you love me out of pity.

I thought you truly saw me for me and I was horribly wrong. I should have known the first time you hurt me, even though it wasn't intentional, that I should never have let you back in again and only pretended to until I left. But I did. Because I loved you. And you won't even try, because you're acting exactly like the person you both love and hate. I've waited my whole life for someone who loves the way I do, so intensely and true, and once again I've wasted my time on yet another person who will never see me, never love me, and never want me.

So right now it's fuck you. You missed me whule I was gone, huh? I don't think you missed me enough. I can see you're atleast attempting to start to get over her but it will take a long time. If I leave without your proverbial hand in mine I probably will never speak to you again.

May you only realize years later what you have done and the life you could have had, and may you bow your head and weep like a concrete angel over the tomb of your own regrets. I should have known better than to ever even let you in at all.

Fuck you. I'm not a [REDACTED], I'm not your "[REDACTED]", I'm your fucking match. And you won't see me. What a load of absolute rubbish. Release me. You disappoint me with how smart you are yet how naive you can be. I should have patience but I don't. I'm tired.

Fuck you. Goodnight.

My mother is coming to town,

And I can't handle it

This last week I have been tired, anxious, and upset. I was planning how the visit and interactions would go, what she would likely say to me. She asked to see my new apartment, I agreed to it, I wanted to show her my home, how well I was doing, the lack of dishes in the sink and the lack of clothes on the floor. I wanted to show her that I finally listened to her screams from when I was a kid to clean my room, be organized, stop being lazy.

Last Thursday I broke down over realizing that I don't know a lot. I research so many things and it's a daily practice of listing off the things I don't know and when I should learn them by. I don't know how to emotionally regulate, I don't know how to stop biting my nails, I don't know who I am or who I want to be, I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a relationship that doesn't follow her footsteps. I don't know if she loves me as her daughter or if she loves me at all. I don't know my father, his history, his feelings, and I don't know if he loves me as his daughter or at all.

I break down and put myself back together again and again. "Who's there to pick up my pieces?" Is the scariest question for me because there isn't anyone else it's only me. I get out of bed, I eat something, I drink water, I put on a YouTube video of Yoga when you're overwhelmed. If I went to someone else, to my parents, I'd get dismissed. I'd get told everyone is depressed or maybe I'd get a silence that stretches on until I find a topic they do care about to switch to. If I say what's causing my pain, I get screamed at by Her "I guess I'm just a bad mom" and hear Her cry just to comfort Her instead. If I speak to them I have to speak about them. On occasion maybe I'll slip up and talk about me, those times result in yells or panicked topic switching. I'd get told it's my fault I feel this way, despite desperately wishing to not feel this, to ignore it like they do. I'd get told to let it go that it's in the past it doesn't matter anymore.

It's hard to let go of somethings. I can't grieve my grandmother without hearing my mother tell me that I shouldn't waste time or money on seeing family members after I spent a week with my grandma after her cancer diagnosis. I can't grieve without seeing the text she sent 2 hours after I was notified of my grandmother's passing. " Don't go to the funeral you saw her enough while she was alive, you need to focus on school you can't skip a college class". (I went anyway and I didn't fail my classes.)

I can't relax at work without worrying that my boss might see and find that I'm lazy. I can't sit at my desk and breathe without thinking I need to find something, anything to do.

I can't talk to my friends or people I see often about my own life, without seeing my mother prioritize a TV show. Without hearing "shut up my show is on" whenever I wanted to tell her about my day at school. I can't tell my friends about my interests unless I know they might like it too.

I'm haunted by Her and yet desperately wish I had my mother with me. I still ache to see her and tell her about my day, the things I saw, the people I met, thoughts that I didn't like, thoughts that changed something for me. I want her comfort so much I'm willing to risk hearing all the bad for just 1 sentence of encouragement or love. I want to bond with her and rest my head on her shoulder without worrying about a comment that my hair is too short and I need to grow it out. I want to get dressed up and feel good without hearing her voice say that my stomach shows, my shirt doesn't fit right, that I've gained weight.

It's Her voice that I hear when I talk to babies, when I talk to my cat in a sweet tone, I mimic her. It's Her voice I hear when I get frustrated at other cars when I drive around town, it's Her voice that rings in the air when I yell. I frighten myself every time I get angry and hear Her voice and not mine.

I understand Her, I've listened to her cries, her screams, her confessions for 15 years. I know about her parents and how they treated her, I know how my father treated her and how his infidelity hurt her. I know how lonely she is, how she doesn't have friends and latches on to partners and their lives to fill her own. I hope that if I mimic her enough that maybe I won't remember how she treated me, how she would say the nastiest things to me, how she made me feel worthless. If I mimic her enough maybe I'll believe it when she tells me she loves and misses me, maybe I'll believe that she never wanted to hurt me.

I have a nephew, he'll be 2 next month and the thought of him feeling like I do makes me cry even if I'm at work and scared someone might see. I think of the things my mother said to me as a child and think, "could I say that to him when he's that age?". The answer is no, I want to know who his friends are in elementary school, I want to know what subjects he struggles with, the teachers he loves and hates, I want to hear about the bug he found on the sidewalk and how blue the sky was today and yesterday. I could never tell him the things I was told. I don't want children of my own in fear I'll treat them like my mother treated me.

Yesterday I broke down again. I cried in my car on the street talking to my friends about how I feel. About how I've always thought I knew what crying was like or what it meant, how most of my memories of crying wasn't just a cry but panic attacks. I avoided crying or showing that I was upset because crying meant hyperventilating, my chest is tight, my throat closes up and I can't speak despite all of my energy spent trying to talk anyway. I can't cry or show emotions unless I set my mind to it, I wouldn't cry until I went home, got into the shower, curled into a tight and small ball of myself. I'll blast sad music so I can't hear myself but I can still hear comments and judgements of how loud I am, how my face is scrunched up, how my sniffling and attempts to breathe are annoying.

Today my mother is coming to pick me up, we got oncert tickets to her favorite band. Months ago I heard and made sure to tell her about it, I was excited to go. Now I sit on my bed slightly terrified about seeing her. I'm planning my lies and my answers to dodge questions of what's wrong. I thought about saving my legs, using hairspray, about what to wear to cover tattoos and to cover my weak points. I won't do any of that, I want to prove to myself that I don't need to do it that I don't need sacrifice myself to appease her. I planned out my lie to tell her she can't see my apartment, she doesn't get to see the home I made for myself.

My mother is coming to town,

And maybe I'll survive.

The Stages of Grief

I have sat with anger ingrained on my ribs night after night. I know the five stages of grief. Why am I so stuck on anger? 

Denial was the first one. It hit when I stood in front of my fridge all alone in my house with my knees wobbling, staring at the screen on my phone, hands shaking as I called my best friend. She asked me what was wrong and my sob was choked when I told her. My knees gave out beneath me, and I was on the floor as my best friend tried to comfort me, but all I could do was say “this can’t be happening.” My best friend could only cry with me on the other end of the phone; she couldn’t comfort me when my worst fear had become reality. It hit when I frantically texted plea after plea with shaking fingers causing me to mistype. When I couldn’t type anything but “why”. 

Bargaining was second for me. I kept looking for ways I could have changed the outcome. I kept trying to justify my actions but I kept wishing I could have changed things. I begged her to talk to me, for a justification for the hurtful things she said. I begged her to love me as much as I loved her. Please, please, please. I’ve never been one to beg, but I would have lowered myself into hell for her to tell me why she said all those cruel things. If I had only kept my mouth shut; if I had never mentioned it again could we have gone back to normal? 

Depression hit after that. I cried into an iced peppermint mocha in the passenger seat of my sister’s car. I was- still am -shattered. I choke on my tears, hiccup for air, my body rocks with my sobs, my face red, and my nose runs. I let out screams of agony when left home alone. I scream along to All Too Well (10 Minute Version) by Taylor Swift. I relate more than I should. I cry myself to sleep with Haunted by Taylor Swift playing in the background. There is a mask on my face that hides the pain ripping me to shreds. I see her in everything. I look for her name to pop up on my phone, but it never will again. She decided to cut me out. The depression hit again when she erased my existence from her world. I had given everything to her. We were supposed to be infinite. 

Acceptance still hasn’t come. How am I supposed to accept something when I can’t even begin to understand it? I don’t want to accept that she left me when she promised me she would always be by my side. How can I possibly accept how pathetic loving her has made me? 

All I’m left with is anger. I am full of it. Every little thing has begun to irritate me. I lash out at the smallest thing and I have become unsympathetic. I’m always angry. My face becomes sore from how much I clench my jaw. I violently shatter CD after CD and light religious books on fire. I am being consumed. Anger was supposed to be the second stage of grief, so why am I stuck on it? I denied, I bargained, I cried. Why am I so angry? In her absence, all I am left with is hate. I want to scream all the time. I want everyone to leave me alone, yet I want someone to tell me it’s ok to be angry. I want to be ok with being angry that she followed me on instagram and then 20 minutes later blocked me on everything, but I can’t stomach being angry at her. Instead of being angry at her, I'm angry at everyone else. I don't know how to be angry with her; she made me who I am.

I’m tired of this. I don’t want to be stuck in this cycle of grief. How am I supposed to grieve for someone that is still alive? She is alive in my memories; her mom followed me on instagram and commented on my facebook posts. I feel like I'm not allowed to move on; I'm stuck in this cycle of grief that leaves me with anger ingrained on my ribs.

Anger sits in the void in my chest she left behind. I am full of it. I am made of it. 

Forgive the improper grammar but I needed release. This is a safe place for those who feel they need to be silent on what they feel.

Breathing

So easy yet so heavy

Second nature yet it's become suffocating

What am i to do when you were my reason?

What am I to do when i can only sit here

My chest becoming restricted

I feel everything yet nothing at all.

It's heavy

This ache i hold inside my chest.

The place you once sat

The place i wanted to hold you forever

It hurts

Why does it still hurt, I suppose I will never understand.

Yet, why can’t i let you go.

You’ve moved along

Yet i sit here still grieving

My head spinning

Tormenting me with these thoughts

These memories of only you.

Why is it only you

Day in

Day out

It is only you.

What more can I do?

Who can I go to?

My chest cavity feels empty yet over bearing

It’s like ive forgotten to breath

Why am I suffocating

All these smiles

Pretty sweet lies

Crowded places

Their voices are screaming bur I hear nothing

Feel nothing

No one to my side

I want to scream

I want to cry

But these walls are too thin

This place is not my home

I am not comfortable here

I hate being alone

I hate this pain

My mind has darkened

Ive begun second guessing

That day, was it worth it staying

Accepting this second chance

Why was i given it, thats what i use to think but now, i feel it was just a mistake.

Yet i would have never met you. Would that have been a good thing

I don’t knoe my place anymore. I’ve lost my footing

I use to know this roads, yet ive become lost

As if ive never been here before but i know this street all too well.

Im fine

Thats the lie always ready on my tongue.now adays

Everythings fine. I swear I’ll be alright

But this pain isnt okay.

This heart ache shouldnt remain

Youve moved on yet im stuck here

Stuck in the past

Stuck on the things that ive already lost

I feel like i wasnt enough

Im still not

These marks arent just natural

I want to make them more

I second guess who would miss me

I second guess my place

I wan tto get rid of this pain

Represents dont seem to work

Im afraid only one thing will

Ive been wanting to try it

Hoping for the void to call and win

Its gotten close

Closer than id like to admit.

Yet no one will ever know.

No one would ever see

Ive become an actor

A smile plastered on my face even as my chest pulls tight.

Yet, after my door closes, and im alone for the night.

The bottle spills and i lose my self once again.

Its become harder to find me

Who even am i

Who do i want to be

Do i even want to be alive anymore

Its become harder to find reason to remain

Im sorry that ive grown darker

I was hoping it would only be a phase

But this doesnt seem to want ot pass

Its become permanent

Something i cant just chase away

I want to act happy but its becoming harder as the days pass.

Why does it take such petty means to have someone listen

I hate being alone

Thats when my thoughts want to scream

Want to dig their claws into me.

Theyve become more persistent

Louder

Stronger

Theyve become many

They were once few.

I could handle them

But ive been struggling

I was better

So i thought

But it seems i was just prolonging whats inevitable.

Whats written in stone it seems

Im tired of it

Im tired of living

Im tired of trying

Im tired of guessing

Im

Tired,

Self wallowing

Thats become my favorite pass time

My favorite hobby

It takes up all the free time i gave left.

This act

Its becoming more and more difficult

Its starting to sleep but im done pretending

Maybe this time. It will be the last.

Im tired of bleeding through this invisible wound

I want to make it end

I want to release this pressure but it will never be enough.

I want to be free but how can one be free from their own mind.

AN OFFER YOU CANNOT REFUSE.

Why do I do it?

Why do I say no, mean no and give yes?

Why do I not protest?

When he presses my face down.

When he rubs my shoulder with that look in his eye, while mine try to avoid eye contact with the blossoming member bursting forth from his zipper.

“Open your mouth.”

He beckons with his slanty eyes.

“Just for a little while.”

And I concede.

He’s the only one who takes care of me.

The only one who loves for me… always there for me.

It’s the least I could do…

For all he’s given me.

All he offers me…

All the money he spends on me.

I should be grateful.

After all… he bought me—

Everything.

He steps away and he owns me in that cocky smile.

Comes back to kiss me in my mouth… even though I just said I don’t want love for a while.

He owns me.

And my eyes only cry when I think of you.

You used me too.

Yours didn’t feel like love, like his kisses do.

I belonged to you, but you didn’t buy me.

You didn’t take no well either.

You were so forceful, but I wanted you…

And all you wanted was me.

But this is a different kind of force.

This is heavier.

It weighs on the slump of my shoulders.

It feeds on my will.

Takes advantage of my needs.

Inferiority, not submission.

But you all get what you want.

As I look around with my dead eyes, I relish the fact that at least you made me feel alive.

You loved me didn’t you?

That’s why I felt full when I left you, not empty and dying.

If I was a vehicle, you took off my wheels just to change my tires.

You wanted me to go far and fast.

You didn’t boot me in the yard.

You gave me a collar not a leash.

Running away was always up to me.

I wanted to be free, and you were running wild.

But the man who bought me from my home built an invisible fence that shocks me when I cross it…

He says it doesn’t exist.

The few times I got out to see you are always moments I cherish.

But you never take those times as seriously as me.

I am a table and I’m beginning to buckle under the weight.

The expectations, the questions, I am becoming worn down and easy to manipulate.

You kept me rigid, and I wish I remained that way since the first date…

Like I said… I cherish you.

But you left me and this is my fate.

Without your love I am trapped in a fence with no gate.

Surrounded by hopelessness, because you finally said it.

Or maybe this is the only time you didn’t, but I finally heard it.

My heart laments, again I grieve.

You will never come back to me, so why would I leave?

The man everyone wants me to marry… and sometimes I do too, when I remember there is no you.

He bought me after all… with nice gestures and things.

With light ears that listen to everything.

No one else will ever love me this way.

Besides I may have no choice in the matter these days…

He’s already tried to propose me an idea.

But he was serious…

And my heart stalled momentarily and I flushed with tears, thinking that I would never see you here.

Never again feel you near…

I hope in that other life we spoke of you and I are happy.

I hope that in some way all this misery will cause her joy, so she never knows this pain.

I’m going down this road on a path I do not know.

My heart screamed no, but that hurt screamed yes.

I could never love you any less.

They all called you evil, but you made me feel whole.

I called you lost.

My love for you will never fade… I hope I can get out again and find you someday.

To see the life you chose.

To miss you one last time, to hold you in my mind.

Before I remember I was never worth your time.

You were right, I will always be yours.

But It’s been years since you were ever mine.

I love you, ever, still, and always.

I always thought it meant something.

We all want to believe the pretty lies.

-DC

Quote time!

Your absence is my only winter

From every corner of time where I no longer have the energy / my love / take me away

I do not know / whether it's a fantasy / or just a folly

My dearest one, my darling dear

The sky is her roof / the earth is her bed

Ooooo

Okay so I have been suffering from Too Much Tolkien Brainrot recently (sorry lol), so full disclaimer, that just maybe miiiiight sliiightly affect my replies :D Also I am in a horribly angsty mood (I blame The Last Homely Server on discord for this, it's just either angst or the randomest memes with no in-between)

Your absence is my only winter - I'm very tempted to just be predictable about this and say it's Elrond/Celebrían angst after Celebrían sails. (Tho I might flip it around and make it Celebrían centric and write about how even in Valinor, even as she is actually finding the peace and healing she went to seek, she still misses Elrond and grieves that she has to be parted from him. So kind of making it like "everything else is good, I love it here and I am doing well, but I love you and I miss you and I wish you could be here by my side", instead of the usual Elrond grieving her perspective that most fics are.) Or, alternatively, I think it could be a fun title for one of those "well I keep thinking about it but I've never written it" fics about Celeborn during the Siege of Imladris in the War of Elves and Sauron in the second age - cuz for some reason I'm personally really fond of the version of events where Galadriel and Celebrían have moved to Doriath but Celeborn hasn't followed them there yet, and still lives in Eregion when it falls, and is among the survivors who escape and join Elrond's forces, and so ends up in Rivendell as it's being founded. So I think this would be also a fun title of a fic that's about him during those events, trapped waiting out a seemingly endless, hopeless siege as Sauron conquers more and more of Middle-Earth, and he's far from his wife and his daughter and he misses them so much and he worries because things are bad and he doesn't even know if they're still alive anymore, what if Lórien has fallen, what if they're dead or something else horrible has happened to them?

From every corner of time where I no longer have the energy / my love / take me away - hmm. This is kind of difficult. It's some kind of angst, definitely, and as I said, head full of Tolkien brainrot so nothing else is coming to mind rn, but beyond that I'm not quite sure. Possibly some kind of angsty Eärendil/Elwing stuff long after the events of Silmarillion, exploring how the whole "eternally sailing the night sky" thing affects him, just him being So Tired of it all, with Elwing's presence and meeting her when he returns near Valinor again as one of the only good things, only moments of relief in his life

I do not know / whether it's a fantasy / or just a folly - again, I'm not sure. For some reason the idea that came to my mind was Boromir and Faramir as kids (like Faramir just on the brink of his teenage years, Boromir as older teenager who's starting to take on a lot of important responsibilities but is still very much a kid, maybe), and Faramir just being fed-up with feeling like Denethor considers him the lesser of them and trying in some way to prove his worth/strength/bravery probably in some way that's kinda risky and not a particularly good idea. But idk, I'm not entirely sold on the idea to be honest

My dearest one, my darling dear - hmm I don't really know. Somehow what comes to my mind with this is a parental relationship more than one between lovers, idk why? Maybe something Gílraen-centric of her raising Aragorn in Rivendell? I really dunno where the idea came from, and I don't know any further what the plot would be, though

The sky is her roof / the earth is her bed - this one's really difficult for some reason. Also while I like the vibes of this, I don't think this would be a Tolkien fic for me. Idk what it would be tho. Sorry, boring answer, but while I like this I really can't think of anything!

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 13

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 13

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Rating: R for language and smut.

Words: ~3000 words.

Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*.

Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost...

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9  

Part 10   Part 11   Part 12

gif credit: @bilyrusso

Part 13

It was 8 in the evening and you were still in the office. You hadn’t accomplished much work today, your mind mostly focused on Billy. You were surprised by how quickly he’d been able to make the funeral arrangements for his mother. Yesterday you had driven over to the nursing home and by the time you reached there, Carla Russo’s body had already been picked up. You’d signed a few papers for Billy and picked up the remainder of Carla’s things before you returned home. Everything of hers was packed into a small suitcase and sitting in your living room. You wanted to call him, ask him how he was and offer your support, but he seemed determined to do everything on his own when you’d talked to him last and you didn’t want to intrude.

You gave yourself a mental shake, reminding yourself to concentrate. This workday had been a wash. When you weren’t distracted by thoughts of Billy, you were putting out fires in your team. At least the personnel conflicts have been temporarily resolved, but now you needed to work on a slide deck that you’d been tasked with presenting to the executive leadership committee later in the week.

An hour later you were halfway done with your presentation when your phone rang. You glanced down at your screen to find Billy’s name on the screen. “Hi.”

“Hey.” He sounded exhausted. “You still at work?”

“Yeah. How did you know?”

There was a pause. “You give off the workaholic vibe.”

You smiled to yourself; at least he was okay enough to crack jokes. “How are you?”

“You mean am I grieving over a goddamn dead woman who preferred meth to her own fucking son?” He sighed. “No big loss. I’m fine.”

Anger and hurt saturated his voice despite his attempts to sound unaffected. Your heart hurt for him, you wished there was something you could do. “Do you need anything?”

“The funeral service is tomorrow.” A beat of silence followed. “Do you want to come?”

“Sure. What time?”

“2pm.”

“I’ll take the day off. Do you need my help with anything? Maybe I can call some of her friends?”

“When I found her she was living on the streets, barely alive but still hooked on meth. I doubt she’s got any friends.”

“What about the people in the nursing home? Maybe they want to come?”

“No, I don’t want anyone else there. Just you.”

Not liking the warmth that spread through you upon hearing his words, you reminded yourself he was probably feeling unusually vulnerable. This wasn’t typical of him.

“Do you want to come over?” he asked.

You exhaled a heavy sigh. “I would but I have so much work to do. I’ll be here for another hour at least.”

“Come over after you’re done.”

“It’ll be really late.”

“That’s fine. I can wait.”

“I can stop by my place to pick up your mom’s-.”

“No, it’s okay.”

You realized he wasn’t quite ready to go through Carla’s belongings yet.

“Bring your stuff with you.”

“Stuff?”

“Overnight bag, clothes for tomorrow, whatever.”

“Oh. You want me to stay over?”

“Yeah, might as well. We can drive over together for the service tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Despite the conversation coming to a natural end, he wasn’t hanging up. It seemed as if he was reluctant to be alone, probably because that meant dealing with the complicated emotions for his mother. You knew exactly how that felt. “If you want, I can leave now. I can work from your apartment instead of the office.���

“You’re not worried I’ll be tempted to spy on Valiant stuff?” he teased.

You smiled. “As if I’d let you see what I’m working on.”

“Guess no corporate espionage for me tonight.”

“Still going to keep you away from my laptop.”

He chuckled. “Just get here. I promise not to bug you while you work.”

“Okay. I’m leaving now.”

“See you soon.”

After you hung up, you started gathering your things together.

***

An hour later, you were at his place. When he opened the door, you immediately grew concerned at how tired he looked. Traveling back and forth from Vegas plus dealing with the news about Carla’s death within the last few hours meant he was absolutely exhausted.

“Hey,” he greeted you, smiling as he took the overnight bag from your hands.

You removed your heels while he took your bag inside his room and then made your way to his living room. While his penthouse suite was much bigger than yours, you actually didn’t like it very much. Despite the high-end finishes and the beautiful interiors - Billy had obviously hired a designer to make the place look good - it always felt very cool and inhospitable to you. It was too perfect and you always felt out of place inside the suite.

“You hungry?” he asked, coming up behind you. “I ordered dinner for you.” Arms encircling your waist, he dropped a kiss on the back of your head as he maneuvered you to the kitchen. He’d laid out the food for you on the dining table, and from the take-out containers you knew it was from one of your favourite Indian restaurants. The thoughtful gesture surprised you, you weren’t used to that from him. Noting that he’d only set the table for one, you turned around to look at him. “You’re not going to eat with me?”

“I ate already. I was starving. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” You cradled his face with one hand, your eyes roving over his beautiful face as he placed a kiss on the fleshy part of your palm. “You look exhausted. Did you even sleep?”

“No” He leaned back against the kitchen counter, weary. For a moment he closed his eyes, simply holding still, and you found yourself wrapping your arms around him in a hug. You didn’t understand why you’d even initiated the embrace – hugs were never your thing – but seeing him so beaten-down you were desperate to comfort him. He leaned into you, his body flushed against yours, and you held him tight. Stroking the nape of his neck, you placed a soft kiss on the center of his forehead. “Why don’t you take a nap while I work?”

“You don’t mind?”

You smiled up at him, running your fingers through his hair. “At least I don’t have to worry about you stealing my company secrets while you sleep.”

He smirked. “You’ll be here when I wake up?”

“Yup. Probably still working away.”

Billy grazed your temple softly before dropping a tender kiss on the tip of your nose. “Okay, but eat first.”

You nodded your head, watching after him as he sauntered out of the kitchen and disappeared down the hallway.

Sighing, you went to the sink to wash your hands before eating.

***

It was after midnight and you were still working on your slide deck when you heard Billy puttering around in the bathroom. Soon he slowly made his way towards you, dressed in a t-shirt and black boxers, his hair all messy. He yawned lazily, falling onto the other end of the couch.

“I thought you’d sleep through the night,” you remarked.

“Are you still working?” he asked.

“Almost done.” You saved the file and shut off the laptop before slipping it back inside your bag.

Suddenly he pulled you closer and you found yourself tucked underneath him on the couch as he glanced down at you from above. “You work too hard.”

You smiled up at him. “They don’t pay me the big bucks to sit there and look pretty.”

A slow, incandescent smile curved his lips. “I would. If I ran Valiant, you’d be my personal stress relief. You’d be in my office the entire time and do nothing but look pretty and service me.”

“That’s sexual harassment.”

Billy shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever. I’d make it worth your while.”

You laughed, angling up to kiss him. “Your breath is all minty fresh.”

“I brushed my teeth for you.”

“Wow. Be still my heart.”

A warm grin covered his face as he shifted down your body to nuzzle your neck. His weight was heavy as he rested atop you, but you liked the solid feel of him on you, the way you felt all safe and warm. You stroked his hair while he drew lazy circles on your chest, the silence between you two comforting.

“No one knows about her. Not Frank, not Curtis, no one.”

Those names were familiar to you because Billy had mentioned them in passing a few times. Of course he’d never shared any other info, but you being you, you’d dug around and found out more about them. You knew they’d served with Billy and he considered them his closest friends.

“When I found her three years ago, I put her in that home and forgot all about her.”

“You visited her every week,” you reminded him.

“Because I wanted her to regret abandoning me. I wanted her to see how far I’d come, I wanted to throw her mistakes in her face. But I don’t think she regretted safe-havening me, not even a bit.”

The bitter pain in his voice made your heart hurt for him.

“Maybe I should be happy she’s finally dead, or maybe I’m supposed to be sad or something.”

“How do you actually feel?”

“Nothing. I feel nothing.”

“Billy, I think that’s normal. There’s no right or wrong in this. All of your feelings are valid.”

“Even if her dying made me absolutely ecstatic? You wouldn’t think I was a fucking psychopath?”

“You are a psychopath but not because you have conflicting emotions about your terrible mother dying. You have the right to feel how you feel about her, whatever that might be.”

Eyes blazing with emotion, he hovered about you to meet your gaze. “Then what makes me a psychopath?”

You quirked your eyebrow. “The fact you want to torture my dates.”

“Not just torture, I want to kill them.” Eyes darkened, voice velvety-smooth, he covered your mouth with his and ravaged you with a kiss that left you thrumming and breathless.

“Only you’re allowed to touch me?” you asked through labored breaths.

“Yes.” His voice was a lustful rasp, his mouth leaving a heated trail as he sucked on the oh-so-sensitive corner of where your neck and shoulder intersected. Sparks of electricity ran down your spine. “Only me.”

You took his hand and guided it down your body, parting your thighs for him.

Like always, you were soon completely lost in the erotic pleasure of his mouth on you. Your legs hooked over his shoulders, your hands grabbed the back of the couch for support as he fucked you with his hands and mouth, sucking you, licking you, his tongue flicking over your clit until you were keening under him. Body arching off the couch, you moaned his name louder and louder until he drove you completely over the edge.

Then you felt a light slap on your cunt which immediately brought you back to reality. Opening your eyes, you found Billy perched between your legs, gracing you with the most wicked smile. “That’s one.” He slapped your pussy again, this time his long, lean fingers ever so slightly grazing your clit and your hips bucked, wanting more. “As promised.” His eyebrow quirked up. “Punishment.”

“Not fair,” you protested. “I’ll date who I want.”

He slapped you again, a little harder this time, but then he leaned down to place comforting kisses on the very spots he assaulted and you moaned with pleasure.

“All of you.” His tongue lapped over your clit, eyes locked with yours. “Belongs to me. I own you.”

“You don’t!” You squealed when he flipped you over unexpectedly, grabbing you by the hips so your ass was lifted of the couch. And then he squeezed your butt cheeks, biting them lightly before he started rimming you.

***

After sharing a shower the two of you were laying in his bed, your back pressed against his chest as you both stared up at the ceiling. His one hand was intertwined with yours, the other arm circled around your hips. The two of you didn’t have sex but you didn’t mind. You were both fatigued.

“I smell like you now,” you murmured, realizing the soap in his shower had left its scent on you.

“I know. I like it.” He squeezed your fingers. “I have a present for you.”

“I hope it’s not earrings again.”

He chuckled. “No, not earrings.”

“What is it then?”

“Jewelry.”

You turned back to look at him. “What? Like a necklace?”

“Something like that. Except I’m the only one who’ll see you wearing it.”

“Ah. And where is this gift?”

He kissed the top of your head. “Not here yet.”

You smiled to yourself. “People usually wait until they have the gift in hand before telling others about it.”

“I couldn’t wait. I’m excited to see you wear it.”

He stroked your hair, and your eyes grew heavy. Soon you started falling into deep slumber, feeling calm, comforted by Billy’s arms around you.

“What happened with your family?”

Your eyes flew open. Like always, any mention of your family unfurled anxiety within you. You didn’t like thinking about them letting alone discussing them. “They passed away.”

“They’re dead?”

“Yes.”

“Both of them?”

“Yes.”

He pulled you up so you were facing him now, his intoxicating gaze completely focused on you. “That day when I asked you about the pictures, you said you weren’t close to your family.”

“I meant my extended family. I don’t keep in touch with them,” you replied smoothly.

“What were your parents like?”

Irritation surged through you at his obtrusive questions but you had to remind yourself he just lost his mother. He was feeling out-of-sorts, working through his grief – even if he didn’t think so – and he was reaching out to the only person in his life that knew about his mother. “Normal.”

He simply stared at you for a long time, studying you, saying nothing. “Normal,” he repeated, finally breaking the strained silence.

You shrugged your shoulders, dropping your gaze to the base of his throat so you didn’t have to hold his piercing stare. “Yup.”

“How did they die?”

“Car accident.”

“You miss them?”

“Of course,” you lied.

He reached out to cup your face, his thumb stroking your cheek. “So you grew up with great parents, white picket fence and all that bullshit? Sounds like you had a fairytale childhood.”

“Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

“Sure. I’ll add this to the list of all the other shit we’ll talk about someday.”

He sounded almost angry with you and you weren’t sure why. Before you could question him, however, he pulled you close so you were snuggled against his chest and the warmth of his body was enough to silence your brain and lull you to sleep.

***

It was a cold, crisp autumn day in New York. The outdoor service, attended by only you and Billy, was short and quick. Throughout it, he’d gripped your hand even though he’d been outwardly calm and collected. Even now as he stood a few feet away from you, impeccably dressed in a black suit, his dark eyes hidden behind a pair of aviator sunglasses as he stared out at the pond, you sensed he was a complete mess inside. You didn’t know what to say to him so you simply sat on the bench, both of you in an isolated corner of the garden. Eventually he came to sit beside you, taking your hand in his.

“I’d have given her the whole world.” His voice was filled with pain and longing as he removed his sunglasses and tucked them in the upper pocket of his suit. “I would have given her anything she ever wanted.” Billy’s eyes met yours. “If she’d just wanted me.”

You scooted closer to wrap your arms around him, breathing him in as he sunk into you. His hands caressed your back, his grip on you so tight you almost couldn’t breathe. After a while he rested his forehead against yours, his eyes holding you prisoner in front of him.

“Swear to me you’ll never leave.”

“Billy-”

“Promise me!”

“I can’t.”

“It wasn’t a fucking request, Y/N.”

You tried to pull away from him but he fisted the back of your hair, holding you in place.

The raw urgency in his voice played havoc with your emotions. If you closed your eyes, just for a moment, you could shut out all the doubts in your head and simply believe him - but you could only live the fantasy for a short moment before reality forced its way back in. “You don’t mean those words, Billy.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you don’t feel that strongly about me.”

His eyes narrowed, glaring at you with hostility. “You’re gonna tell me how I feel?”

“I’m not what you want.”

“And what do you think I want?”

You gave him a sad smile. “The best of everything. Best car, best clothes, the most beautiful women in your arms. You want all that because you need others to want what you have.”

“Is that so wrong?”

You shook your head. “No, there’s nothing wrong with that – except I don’t fit into any of those categories. You want a woman like Dinah Madani. I’m not her. So eventually this thing between us will end.”

His jaw was set in a grim line, eyes burning bright with rage. “So you have me all figured out, huh?”

“Don’t get mad. You know it’s the truth.”

He yanked you closer, crushing you against him. “It’s been me against the world for as long as I can remember. But when I look at you.” His eyes softened, mouth parting as his dark gaze roamed over your face. “I don’t feel alone anymore.”

Your heart melted. The tenuous handle you had on your self-control disintegrated completely. You closed your mouth over his, kissing him frantically as he picked you up and straddled you across his lap.

He pulled back to look at you. “You’re my home. You’re all I need.”

Part 14

A/N - As always, all of your feedback, comments, asks, likes and reblogs are deeply appreciated. They truly inspire me to keep writing, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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hii could we get an angsty scenario/hcs of xiao and scaramouche/any characters you prefer! who are basically head over heels for someone but that person keeps getting with the wrong people and constantly getting their heart broken? Preferably with a good/fluffy ending but it’s up to you!

cw: angst + heartbreak  note - decided to go for scenarios! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

[Xiao] 

One Call Away—

The sudden shout of his name had brought him out into the open, where he finds you sitting in a field of wildflowers, your head hung and quiet sobs racking your hunched form.

“You called?” The gruffness in his voice startles you and your head snaps up. He notices your pained expression and the tears that refuse to cease, and it gives birth to a strange feeling within his chest. “What happened? Surely I am not too late.” And then he shakes his head. “No, I’m never late.”

“Ah... I’m sorry.” You sniffle, pitifully rubbing at your eyes. “I guess your name slipped out. I didn’t mean to bother you. I just didn’t mean to call for you either.”

Xiao raises a brow and then surveys the surrounding area. “Well, it doesn’t look like you’re in any mortal peril. In that case, I’ll leave you to—”

“No!”

Your sudden shout startles the both of you, with you drawing back and Xiao’s eyes widening ever so slightly. He wonders why you’re crying when beautiful scenery surrounds you. Are you truly that pathetic? Are mortals usually this weak-hearted? Xiao can’t wrap his head around the idea of grief; he’s an immortal who has seen plenty of hazardous scenarios worth grieving over. Yet with the passage of time he has learned to let such emotions drift away on a wind current. Emotions are useless to an adeptus.

But now he’s stuck with them.

“No?”

“D-Don’t go...” Your voice wobbles and you wipe at your reddened eyes. “I don’t want to bother you, but could you stay here with me? For a little while, at least. It’s all I’ll ask...”

He feels like he should decline your desperate plea before it spreads its perplexing roots throughout his system. The words are practically on the tip of his tongue and he struggles to verbalize them. If he could, he’d shake his head and vanish from your sight. There’s something about your expression that forces him to stay, and he truly detests the way his emotions run wild at the prospect of something he can’t quite comprehend.

“Fine.”

And so Xiao listens to you. It’s something he does best; his eyes and ears are open as he gives you his full, undivided attention. Half of him observes your reactions as you explain what happened and the other half zeros in on the way your subtle hand motions. While he might not be anywhere near a cupid—and he would never be caught giving out relationship advice to mortals, which is something he couldn’t do even if he tried—he is still a being of immense power. From what he’s able to understand from your explanation, your loved one decided to part from you because they believed it just wasn’t working. And you, having been struck with an immense sadness, failed to call out to them to clear up any misunderstandings.

Eventually, after internally wrestling with his own thoughts and feelings, he asks, “Do you want me to teach them a lesson? Should you need them to feel the same amount of despair you’re feeling—”

“Oh, no! No. No. They don’t deserve to be punished for that. I understand now that our feelings weren’t the same. We really weren’t working and that’s okay. It just...hurts.”

Xiao tilts his head, an innocently childish show of confusion. “Where?”

“It’s not a physical pain, Xiao. I mean, it could be. But...this is more emotional.” Your hand reaches out, fingers wrapping around his wrist. He stares down at your hand and he almost pulls away. Before he can even consider what’s happening, you’re guiding his hand to where your heart is. “In here. It hurts now, but I’ll overcome it eventually. I’m used to it anyways...”

The straight-faced adeptus remains still as he feels the fast-paced beat of your heart. Mortals have always been weak in his eyes: feeble beings who break at the slightest inconvenience. Although you don’t seem close to shattering and that confuses him more than he’d like to admit. Perhaps you are one of the more resilient humans he’s come across in recent years. It’s strange when he feels your heartbeat, so very certain and alive with the sour feelings a heartbreak brings. He’s never understood that either. Heartbreaks and relationships. The differences between friendship and romance. Both can be seen through to the very end, if fostered healthily.

So then why are you so sad?

Truthfully, you’ve always seemed sad to Xiao. As an adeptus, he’s never been able to fully grasp the meaning behind human emotions. They’re insignificant in his eyes, mere flashes of feeling that can hurt and blind. They’re troublesome and useless—certainly not something he would ever want to experience. But those emotions can heal and bring cheer. They’re not all entirely bad, nor are they as evil as he seems to think they are.

Xiao realizes his hand has been on your chest for a while now and he’s been staring at you so much that you’ve begun to shrink away, partially embarrassed to have him analyze you with so much scrutiny.

“Is...something wrong?”

He shakes his head slowly at first before retracting his arm. And then he notices you’ve stopped crying. He’s not sure when this happened, but he’s oddly relieved to see your neutral expression. Somehow your crying face is painful and it wounds him in a way he never would have imagined.

“Thank you for listening to my rant. I know this is probably meaningless to you, since you’re an adeptus and all, but it really means a lot. So I’m glad I was able to get these things off my chest. I feel a lot lighter now.”

“You’re not sad?”

“Ah. Well...” Your gaze flickers, eyes darting to and fro while you struggle to look at him. “I’m still sad, but I’ll get over it! Don’t worry! I’m resilient!”

Xiao’s brow furrows in confusion. As he has thought plenty of times before, mortals are far too complex. Eventually he sighs and says, “It’s okay to cry. Don’t keep that inside, okay? You’ll just hurt yourself even more.” Now he’s avoiding your gaze and there’s a barely noticeable tinge of pink dusting his pale cheeks. He’s really not good at consoling humans.

“Oh, Xiao.” You pull him in for a hug and he stiffens, trying to squeeze out of your arms like a cat near water. But then he feels your fingers digging into his arm and he realizes that you might actually need this hug. Despite the fact that he’s not used to freely giving out hugs—or even cheering up mortals, for that matter—he is definitely out of his element. “Really, thank you. I promise to make you an Almond Tofu as thanks.”

“There’s no need for that.” Hesitantly, as if he’s worried he’ll break you, he wraps his arms around your form. “I’m just helping you because you called my name. That’s all.”

But that’s not the full truth. Hidden in those words is the real reason why he even bothered to stay despite the false alarm. And it worries Xiao when he thinks about the implications. He really does like you and this admiration has surpassed platonic love. As long as you’re okay, though, he’ll swallow his feelings in favor of making sure you’re always happy. It’s one of his duties as your friend.

Friend. A word Xiao never thought he’d ever use, but it feels nice. He likes it.

Yet The Distance Remains Harrowing.

[Scaramouche] 

To Mend a Broken Heart—

You’re spilling your emotional guts in front of the Sixth of the Fatui Harbingers, tears freely running down your cheeks like two faulty water faucets. It’s a pathetic sight, really. Scaramouche witnessed this exact show just a few weeks ago when you were so certain that that fisher was the one. Now, after meeting and getting together with someone else for a short time, you’ve come out of yet another relationship, unhappy and unsatisfied.

He’s jealous. There’s no denying the envy he feels when you talk so highly of these people and then wail about them a few days later. It’s a vicious cycle of mending a fragile heart and then breaking it into pieces all over again. With no end in sight, you fall victim to your own demise in the pursuit of love. He wonders if you’ll ever learn to choose your next partner carefully rather than settling for anything with a pulse.

“This is exactly what I said would happen, was it not?” he says with a sigh. “Oh, woe is you. If you were smarter, this last relationship might have lasted longer.”

“That’s rich coming from you. I’ve never seen you in a relationship before,” you mutter, wiping angrily at your eyes. His eyelid twitches at the not-so-subtle jab. “Ugh!I hate being so unlucky! This is the worst.”

“Rather than your foul luck, I think the problem lies within you and your taste in partners.”

Sniffling, you lower your head onto the table, hoping to just melt into the crafted wood before you end up making even more of a fool out of yourself. It’s rare to be in the company of Scaramouche, considering how often he’s assigned missions that require swift travel and a covert profile. But whenever you do find yourself sitting across from him, indulging in light snacks and tea, it’s always because you’ve lost your latest lover; and your own sadness requires the nullifying effects of Scaramouche’s cynicism.

“They’re good people! I just don’t know why it never works out. We’re happy and we both like each other—it doesn’t make any sense. Am I missing something? Is it my fault? They probably got tired of me because I’m not a good person.“

“Perhaps.” He takes a moment to sip his tea and you muster a weak glare. Only Scaramouche can delight in his beverage while you’re holding back another onslaught of tears. “Your crocodile tears are hardly flattering and your apparent need for consistent affection might come off as clingy. And you have a tendency to find flaws within yourself whenever something doesn’t go your way. Adding onto that, you doubt yourself a lot and you’re always quick to take the blame for things that are out of your control. In a way you are partially—”

“I get it. I’m not a good person.”

“I never said anything of that sort. Now you’re just asking for pity.”

Oh, how close you are to punching that smirk off of his face.

“Then since you seem to know everything, my oh so helpful friend, why don’t you tell me what I’m missing?”

“With pleasure.” His cup finds the surface of the table as he ponders your demand for a moment. “You’re missing someone who meshes well with your personality.”

“That’s not true. Everyone I’ve been with so far—“ His skeptical look makes you stop short. “Okay. Maybe we forced it because we thought it was love. But that’s besides the point! There was still an attraction! I think...” You huff and bury your face in your arms, nearly almost sprawling on the table. You’re too depressed to even consider how impolite your actions look, and Scaramouche scoffs at your poor display of manners. “Where am I even going to find someone who ‘meshes well with my personality,’ hm?”

“I’m sure you’ve already found them.” He clears his throat, tracing a finger along a sanded knot in the wooden table. “You’re sitting across from him.”

Whether he intended for you to hear that whispered part, you can’t say for sure. But your head perks up and you fix him with a lopsided grin. “You’re kidding.”

“Hm?”

“Me and you, a couple?” A small giggle escapes your lips and you swipe the remaining tears out of your eyes. “Don’t joke about that. I’m trying to be sad here!”

It wasn’t a joke, he almost says and he catches himself, suddenly self-conscious.

“I don’t think we’d work out,” you continue, motioning between you and him. “We’d hardly see each other and you don’t seem like the type for romance. Besides, I’m not attracted to you in that way. You feel the same, right?”

Scaramouche stares into his cup before he meets your gaze, a tight smile gracing his expression. “Of course. Your inability to settle isn’t all that attractive.”

Your eyes roll and you finally pick up your own cup to take a large gulp of lukewarm tea. The bitter Harbinger observes your actions with narrowed eyes. There’s a distinct pain that taps at his hardened soul, splitting it apart as your words echo within his spinning head. I don’t think we’d work out. I’m not attracted to you in that way. Why is he suddenly feeling...upset? He’s not one for pitiful emotions; he’s a Harbinger, not a lovesick fool! He ought to glare at you and storm off, demanding the two of you never speak again. But he won’t say that because he doesn’t want to hurt you. Because he cares for you. Because he loves you.

You feel the same, right?

No, that’s not right. This is the love he’s been wallowing in since he first got acquainted with you. It’s strange when he remembers every event that has led up to the blossoming feelings that reside deep in the epicenter of his heart, but it’s even more strange that he can’t find the courage to voice his own opinion.

“We wouldn’t mix,” he reaffirms your statement with a cold tone. There is no warmth in his eyes. “After all, your taste in tea is as bad as your taste in partners.”

And even though he wishes you could see through his walls—just this once he’ll allow you to tear them down for the sake of a half-baked confession—you just sit there and grin, no longer teary-eyed and forlorn. How odd. His heart feels far heavier than it’s ever been before. And you’re already scanning your surroundings, hungry for a love that will never keep you sated. Perhaps you weren’t even sad in the first place.

Upon realizing this, Scaramouche wants nothing more than to disappear into the wood like a feeble worm and never come back out.

You Must Break Another.

star trek: deep space 9 taken from the tv show.

come on, let’s get you home. 

looks like you need a new bandage. 

it’s good to see you got your appetite back.

you’re lucky you only got singed.

i need to know that you’re here, safe. that way, a part of me will always be safe, too.

get your hands off of me, before i do something i’ll regret.

we’ll see each other again soon. that’s a promise.

whatever it is you’ve been through has taken its toll.

that boy’s life is in our hands, and i won’t let anybody give up on him.

there are too many ways to get into serious trouble here.

get some hot chocolate and tell me about it.

you can channel your feelings of aggression in other ways.

this is important. you and i. things change, but not this.

you’re a great boy, you know that?

you have to leave me here and go on by yourself.

but the thing about dreams is, if you talk about them, they kind of go away faster.

now that kid is here under my protection, and i swear, if you do anything to hurt them, i will make you regret it. is that clear?

everyone has to have someone to confide in, someone to hear their stories.

my heart is too big.

the boy’s in a lot of trouble.

everything’s gonna be all right, but you have to try and stay awake for me.

if you were hurt, i’d leave you behind.

hold on, i’m not finished with you.

my dear, you should not be here.

it’s just a nosebleed.

hey, who said anything about being scared?

everyone went out of their way to look after me.

it takes a lot of courage to admit you’re wrong.

you run now, i won’t be able to protect you.

give me that before you hurt yourself.

i don’t need counseling, or relaxation, or time to adjust. i just want to be left alone.

get out.

and i am gonna pray, because i don’t know what else to do.

care for a root beer?

i’ve always loved you. even when i hated you.

before you volunteer too quickly, understand what you’re getting into.

do not hug me.

mom?

i’m not afraid, papa.

you’ve been so kind to me.

i’ve said my piece. sorry for butting in.

you know, why don’t we just call it a day? you obviously have other things on your mind.

i feel sick when i eat. i have pains in my head, in my chest.

you keep moving around, you won’t need any nurse.

i’ve known nothing but violence since i was a child.

what the hell has gotten into your head?

so, now you’re hiding things from me?

i think i could handle some soup.

save your strength

a sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye.

so, my young friend, what do you think we’re looking at?

confession is good for the soul.

i’m gonna stay here, take care of the wounded. that includes you.

that’s a very personal question.

is this some kind of joke?

look at me. i need to know you’re going to be all right.

hold on, i’m not finished with you.

continually distracted, depressed, and agitated.

you always tighten your brow just a tiny bit whenever you’re about to ask a question.

it’s so small even i can’t stand up in there. look, i’m developing a slouch.

the one good thing about going away is coming home.

you don’t want me hanging around here? fine. i’ll do my thinking someplace else.

i don’t know who’s going to hear this. i don’t even know if i’ll be alive by the time this log is recovered.

we have rights, including the right to be as stubborn or thickheaded as we want.

i know it’s too difficult to speak right now. just rest.

you might say it came to me in a vision.

what are you doing up? you’re supposed to be in bed.

i’ll miss you.

and you’ve got a lot of nerve complaining about being cold when you’re the one wearing the jacket.

the last thing i want is to become a burden to you.

rudeness will get you nowhere.

okay? i’ve forgotten “okay.”

keep your eyes and ears open, follow orders, and try not to get in the way.

it’s not a trick, it’s a choice.

that’s how i think of you. and maybe that’s why sometimes, it’s hard for me to relax around you.

it’s a treatment, not a cure. it’ll prevent hallucinations, take the edge off the depression, but that’s all it’ll do.

you know, that was a very ugly thing you just said.

right now, my head is swimming in bloodwine and i’m going to bed, and so should you.

i’m a little tired. didn’t get much sleep last night.

i appreciate your concern, but i’ll grieve in my own way, in my own time. 

we’ve come to care about what happens to these people.

i know that you’ve been working with the maquis, and right now, i don’t care.

are you some kind of anarchist?

when you take someone’s life, you lose a part of your own as well.

home! i want to go home!

besides, i could never live with myself if something happened to you.

now we either freeze to death or starve to death. take your pick.

isn’t there someone you can talk to? someone you trust?

that’s right. it’s okay. everything’s going to be fine.

take my word for it, you’ll survive.

i don’t know about you, but it’s past my bedtime.

do you want to come color with me?

look, i’m not asking you to like me or to be my friend. i’m asking you to join me, to fight at my side.

sealing the entranceway was a risky thing to do. you nearly brought the whole ceiling down on yourself.

i can’t feel my legs.

“a needle in a haystack” wouldn’t do this job justice.

you ought to get some rest.

don’t deny the violence inside of you. only when you accept it can you move beyond it.

make sure to put your plate in the replicator, sweetie.

you know, it’s attitudes like that that keep you people from getting invited to all the really good parties.

i feel like someone just walked over my grave.

we need to get you to the infirmary.

enough. you’re pushing yourself too hard.

if that’s how you remember it, you must’ve hit your head harder than i thought you did.

you should take a break. you’ve been working nonstop for days.

well, you tried being alone and it hasn’t done any good. so maybe it’s time to stop brooding and start talking.

are you part of my family?

my leg is broken.

i’ve been looking all over for you.

you’re suffering from a severe form of amnesia.

speak up for yourself while you’re here, okay?

things that would send cold chills down your spine and wake you in the middle of the night.

i’m the one who should be struggling to stay conscious. i’m the one who’s in excruciating pain.

not just a bad dream – bad memories.

are you two fighting again?

i don’t want your sympathy and i don’t need your advice!

you stay a while longer if you want to, but you have to promise me, when the time comes and i tell you to go, you’ll do it.

look, i know it’s too late for an apology. but for what it’s worth, i’m sorry.

why don’t you go to your quarters and lie down for a while?

everyone keeps looking at me. they’re afraid of me.

i’d never felt more alone in all my life.

i’m half-frozen. i haven’t eaten for days. my muscles won’t work anymore!

what you experienced was an artificial reality, an interactive program that created memories of things that never actually happened.

what could be more important than dom-jot?

i’m not sleeping. i’m checking my eyelids for holes.

i’ve found that when it comes to doing what’s best for you, you humanoids have the distressing habit of doing the exact opposite.

you’re going to give yourself indigestion.

speaking of pain, this is probably going to hurt.

i never thought i would say this to you, but you are listening to your heart, not your head.

would you please go on vacation and get out of our hair?

you should take things easy for a while. 

i wish there was something i could do. some way i could promise you that everything is going to be okay.

i’ve done some things i’m not proud of. 

i want to stay with you.

my weakness is i’m too generous, too forgiving.

oh, this is one stubborn infection. how long have you had it?

just to “speak up for myself”, i’m feeling a little betrayed here.

the best way to survive a knife fight is to never get in one.

you can annoy me, bait me, question my very existence. but in the end, we both know i’ve won.

i haven’t seen one of these since i was a kid.

it’s a good weapon – solid, simple. you can drag it through the mud and it’ll still fire.

i’m sorry, i hope i haven’t offended anyone.

little children do that.

you know, eventually, you’re going to have to stop talking and deal with this.

if you come with me, you can be a soldier again.

i still wish you’d given me a little more warning.

you can’t expect me to cure it overnight.

i used to dream about you coming to save me. that’s what kept me alive.

you’ve never had those feelings. you don’t know what it means to really care about another person.

let me put it another way. i don’t want to play cards, and even if i did, i wouldn’t want to play with you.

what’s next? do you want to apologize to me? express your sympathy?

i think you went to your quarters last night and you tossed and turned in bed, because you knew some of the things you said to me concerned me.

you’ve got all the emotions of a stone. no offense.

because i have the bad habit of telling the truth even when people don’t want to hear it.

i’m always suspicious of people who are eager to help a police officer.

for as long as i can remember, i have always been an outsider.

you were wounded. try not to move around.

terrorists don’t get to be heroes.

i’ve never needed a friend more than i do right now.

i cried for you. i missed you so much.

we need to stop the bleeding. we better get you up to the ship.

i’m not afraid of you.

for the moment, why don’t you relax? try not to be so tense, take it easy.

we don’t belong in this time. we’re from the future.

you federation types are all alike. you talk about tolerance and understanding, but you only practice it towards people who remind you of yourselves.

now, i think we should concentrate on getting you comfortable with this weapon.

out there, there are no saints, just people – angry, scared, determined people who are going to do whatever it takes to survive, whether it meets with the federation’s approval or not.

yeah, i just banged my head on something.

it’s life. you can miss it if you don’t open your eyes.

i should have known you’d develop feelings for these people you’ve been living with for the past few years.

there’s nothing you can do. um, i just need some time.

i’ll teach you. it’s a very simple game.

you don’t deserve it. nobody does.

and you want to know why you don’t scare me? because i’m already more scared than i’ve ever been in my life.

oh, please. i’m suffering enough without having to listen to your smug federation sympathy.

i know what it’s like to worry about a child.

last night, it sounded like a takaran wildebeest was tromping around up there.

do you remember my face? even a little?

between you and me, those people have every right to defend themselves.

there’s a time for levity, my young friend, and a time for genuine concern.

why? why do you care so much?

i have to save you from yourself.

just because a group of people belong to the federation, that does not mean that they are saints.

life is yours for the taking. all you have to do is reach out and grab it.

no one on this station is better than anyone else. we’re all equal.

that’s why i came to you, because i knew you’d protect me. you will protect me, won’t you?

just because we don’t understand a life-form, doesn’t mean we can destroy it.

oh, we’re all very good at conjuring up enough fear to justify whatever we want to do.

it’s an expression of affection that you find difficult to accept.

look, i just don’t want anything to happen to you.

as your friend, i have to tell you i’m worried about you.

have i ever told you how much i hate that smug, superior attitude of yours?

and as for bedside manner, i’ve known nicer voles.

you’re the terrorist. you tell me.

i repaid kindness with blood. i was no better than an animal.

you don’t know what it means to care about someone, do you?

i’ll try to keep my problems more quiet next time. 

are you sure you’re all right?

oh, i slept like an alvanian cave sloth.

just watch your back. you’re in danger.

the thing i don’t understand is why you pretended to be my friend.

i have to say goodbye to you.

AHHH idk rlly know if you still do requests but if u still do could u do Adrian tepes x black reader

Where after the battle in season 2 reader initially went with sypha and trevor to help them with whatever they were gonna do but y/n ends missing adrian (and was tired of those to goofing all the time) so in the dead of night y/n takes some supplies and runs back to the castle. And when she sees the castle in sight she throws open the doors and starts looking for alucard

(Fluff)

Ur account is like my safe place I don't find many black readers/ writers so I absolutely love your posts ❤❤

Thank you so much for saying that I do try when I write and I want people to be inspired to write more black reader stories or actually more black leads in stories’ I’m not sure if you wanted the reader to be male/female or gender neutral, so you can decide as you read along! And yes, I am still open to requests!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$$$$$$

It was like a breath of fresh air when Y/n saw the looming infamous castle of Walachia. Y/N had made the decision to leave with Trevor and Sypha, thinking it was the best decision. But was it? As the covered wagon rolled down the dirt path leading away from the castle, Y/N felt her heart break.

Y/N could tell as the three of them departed the widowed dhampir, that he did not want them to leave. As Y/N thought about it, after being away for two weeks, that when Dracula’s reign had ended, Trevor and Sypha felt that they needed to leave right after. Y/N thought their abrupt departure was selfish both on their part and on Y/N’s as well.

Y/N still didn’t know what the original plan was in the first place when getting on that wagon with Sypha and Trevor. Y/N felt it was the right thing to do. Was it the right thing to do? The question constantly whispered in Y/N’s head.

The wagon stopped one evening and Trevor suggested that they rest here and continue on to Argeis come morn. Sypha noticed Y/N’s quiet nature that evening, usually when she and Trevor were arguing or playful banter, Y/N would chime in but it seemed that entire week, her playful quips wasn’t heard as much as Sypha thought.

It concerned the Speaker and she questioned if there was anything wrong. Y/N gave off a wavered yes of being alright and told the Speaker that only the thoughts rattling in the mind was all that was wrong.

Sypha didn’t question Y/N anymore and rolled over in the wagon to get some much needed and deserved sleep. Y/N opted to sleep outside to ponder the thoughts plaguing them. Twisting and turning in the sleeping bag, didn’t help at all and Y/N sat up with a huff.

Y/N felt anxious. This wasn’t the life planned out, not like this, not alone. Well, other than Trevor and Sypha’s presence, Y/N felt alone in the Wallachian world.

Where Y/N forlorn, the color of your skin was dark and your hair was kinky and coiled. The heat of the country seemed like second nature and the many animals that roamed and only seen in that country was its own majesty.

Someone completely different than what you saw in Walachia. Y/N was born to a single mother, their father had been killed by those accursed night monsters and since then Y/N had made it their mission to become a strong dual swordsman, studying under the elders of the people under the sun and learning the medicines that would keep them alive in this world.

Y/N and Alucard’s meet was an interesting one. Their initial meeting was when the trio were on their way to Dracula’s castle and night creatures had made their appearance in Gresit where Y/N was vacating after evacuating Lupu.

Y/N was fighting off the monsters in Gresit and saved a couple of children when the trio arrived and made light work of the rest. Y/N didn’t want anyone to know that they existed and made haste to leave in the shadows to avoid the people most importantly the church.

In the past, Y/N’s mother was subjected by the church in Lupu for her darker skin. Believing that such dark skin was the skin of a demon raised from Hell to walk along humans. Y/N’s mother, a spitfire set the priest straight and told him if Devil wanted to have her raise death and destruction on Earth then he would have asked for it already.

It also didn’t help the fact that the priest’s goons would come after Y/N and Y/N’s mother, harassing them all the time and trying to run them out of town. Y/N’s mother always stood strong and fought those goons off whenever they tried to get physical; sending them back to their puppet master with their strings twisted.

So, it was no surprise when Y/N had met the trio by accidentally running into the dhampir while attempting to escape through an alley. His solid figure made Y/N’s hood fall off their head and the coils of their hair is what brought the attention of the trio.

Alucard made a comment, curious about the coils, it was almost childlike when he asked. Y/N was thrown off guard by the question and made haste to leave the area quietly but the speaker stopped Y/N asking if they were familiar with the area and where they could get a covered wagon.

Y/N didn’t answer her question and moved to leave once more only to be stopped once more, by the dhampir again. His calm demeanor and honeyed words brought Y/N’s attention to the man. At first, Y/N mind was not on talking to anyone but, once their eyes found Alucard’s gold ones Y/N was intrigued.

As a help them help you situation, Y/N was persuaded by Sypha to help them end Dracula’s murderous reign and Y/N agreed. Y/N didn’t care if Alucard was the son of Dracula, it was the fact that Y/N’s mother lived in Argeis and the thought of her killed by the creatures of the night didn’t sit right.

In the little time the four were together, it seemed that Alucard and Y/N were the first to interact with one another more than Sypha and Trevor. They could relate with one another in a way, both their mothers strong, smart and knowing that helping people no matter the ideas they had or if they didn’t want it, was deserved to anyone.

When his father had died, Y/N was there by his side to shield him from the swirling ashes of hell demons as a way to let him know that it was alright to grieve his father.

Y/N had made her decision. Staying with Trevor and Sypha was fun but, this wasn’t the life Y/N sought for.

Going to the wagon, Y/N swiped a small bag of food, just some cheeses and bread and left behind a quick note to Sypha and a little joke to Trevor’s smell then left to return to the castle.

Presently, Y/N walked up the stone steps to the large double doors of the castle and didn’t care to knock. Pushing open the doors, Y/N marveled the recently cleaned up entrance hall, the furnished red rugs were either burnt or ripped and the statues were all destroyed.

“Alucard?” Y/N calls and makes haste to the twin stairwell.

Now that they were here, Y/N needed to find the dhampir and tell him how sorry they were for leaving him behind. For leaving him alone.

“Alucard!” Y/N made their way up the two flights of stairs, searching for the dhampir.

Where could he have gone? Y/N’s mind scrambled for any explanation or idea as to where he could have gone.

“The Hold!” Y/N exclaimed and rushed down the two flights, hoping that he would not leave in time for Y/N to find him.

However, as soon as Y/N reached the entrance hall, the man of the hour was walking up the right side of the two stairwells and paused on the third step up, his eyes wide from realization of Y/N’s sudden appearance. His right hand gripped the small yellow basket and Y/N’s eyes widened then lowered in relief.

“Alucard…there you are.” Y/N sighed, grateful that he was alright and made their way down the same stairwell to see him closer.

“I was worried something happened to you, you know this castle is big as hell-”

“Y/N.” Alucard’s quiet gasp of their name made Y/N grin as they grew closer to him.

“I think being with Sypha and Trevor for too long has made you forget me, Alucard. That’s not nice. I thought we were friends? You don’t forget your friends-”

Arms wrapped around Y/N’s waist and a warm body hugged their front as Alucard sighed into Y/N’s coily hair, inhaling their scent to make himself sure that they were real and here in his arms.

“I could never forget you, Y/N…never ever.” He told Y/N. Y/N arms wrapped around him just as snug and rubbed their cheek into his bird chest, a smile gracing their lips.

“Will you stay?” His question makes Y/N look up at him and their smile grows wider as they nodded.

“Yes. I will stay.”