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onewomancitadel · 11 months

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I started my day crying as I washed my face and put moisturiser on because I was thinking about Paul Muad'Dib and I realised I am the very person you were warned about for feeling too much empathy for the bad guy.

No seriously, I think the idea that empathy is 'dangerous' is itself an incredibly dangerous idea, because with it follows implicit suppositions that, a) empathy misguides your analytical judgement, b) empathy is an inhibition which cannot be overcome, c) the very presence of empathy is damning (ergo, some emotions are just inherently bad), e) by virtue, the presence of lesser or no empathy makes a given judgement 'more logical', (this is damning for the following reason), f) the usual gender stereotype that women feel empathy too much and this broadly inhibits them as a class, and as such the usual audience brought into criticism on this topic - ceaselessly - is female readers/filmgoers, whereas when we are brought to draw on 'empathy' for the poor rapist whose life was ruined by one 'mistake' (e.g. B/rock Turner), empathy is eminently and urgently necessar (to consequently excuse the fact he is a rapist).

No empathy for the victim, of course; naturally this entire model has a vested interest in protecting the status quo, not ever truly challenging anything (empathy is not transformative in any way here) and to not feel empathy for such a criminal is a moral failing (as a consequence of gender: women need to feel bad for rapists). But irrespective of that, 'true' empathy is clearly useful and moving, but it is not the complete picture (nor really the solitary path to justice). From the perspective of narrative, it is actually a task you have to take up. It's still incomplete and not representative of your entire judgement, because it is not clouding, but it is supplementary or indeed even gives you the foundation (the starting point) for your opinion (and relatedly does give system to moral virtue, but that is neither here nor there).

Hard to lay out all of that when the catchy thought-terminating cliche, 'if you felt empathy for them, you missed the point' just makes it an easier time for everybody to make a list of bad guys you're not supposed to even feel a little bad for or understand the point of personality cult and where Paul chafes against that or actively cultivates it or anything. Of course, we know the Good Guys because when you feel bad for the Good Guys, they're instaforgiven and always good, and the Bad Guys are always the Bad Guys who turn to the camera and tell you not to feel bad for them. (To be fair, Paul comes close to this in Dune Messiah. I'm referring to the Genghis Khan line. Iykyk).

Really the ultimate takeaway is that empathy is not the endpoint. It doesn't decide ultimate moral judgement. It is not aberrant to 'logic' and the capacity to recognise another person's perspective and feel something for them and consider their motivations expands your judgement - and your sense of humanity. The folly, to me, is to think there are Good People and Bad People and only Bad People do Bad Things and ever think Bad Things. In this sense the Good People are 'pre-forgiven'; empathy for them is okay because they probably had a good reason to do it and if you already can feel bad for them, it's basically the same thing as it being okay. This weaker model of 'empathy' is fucking bizarre and a tool of tyranny, and in storytelling is the death of sensible analysis. (I also think this model of moral apology is actually why people are so fucking stupid about redemption arc discourse because they have no concept of apology and atonement).

The gender comment wasn't meant to be an aside, because it's not lost on me that this policing on whether it's okay to like a bad guy worms its way into major feminine audiences and when I see male fans casting judgement it's almost always on female fans. No one cares if you like Darth Vader but maybe you got made fun of for quoting the Joker too much. 'He's literally me' over Patrick Bateman (a textual serial killer) is just boys being boys (and missing Patrick's pathos for the sake of edgy self-insert). But does anybody give a fuck about that? Not really, no. I don't think it's sufficient to make a gender commentary and just stop there, and that's not really my preferred style. Because yes, whilst I think that is a motivation here, I do think there are some even deeper movements at play with social marking and delineation in online communities [which gender can service] (e.g. I like the bad edgy characters/you are a villain apologist who likes them the wrong way) which does express itself as harrassment and bullying (it's schoolyard shit, but you encounter this in many walks of life). Fans policing other fans, fans with the 'correct' interpretation above all others which gives you license to make it very clear You Are One of the Good Ones. It's the shibboleth of fandom now: whether you like villains the Good Way or the Bad Way.

The irony is not lost on me that this typology actually reflects the naïveté of the very narrative interpretation I'm describing, and relatedly I think this is why it is genuinely an ongoing and necessary point which needs challenging. There are not People With the Correct Beliefs and People With the Incorrect Beliefs (who only have them because they are bad and evil). Sometimes you might even have the wrong ones. The capacity to reflect on that is actually very necessary. It is seriously necessary.

But then once you get into it, does liking Paul Atreides necessarily reflect real-life apologia for real-life conquerors? Rather the question I ask is, does it open up conversation for that sort of apologia? Because I think that's the question Paul's character is more interested in than just asking you to recognise why he does bad things. There is something a little more complex which isn't putting a judgement on you for empathising: it's using that empathy as an exercise. It's narrative.

That conclusion doesn't substantially matter though because the fandom discourse is always going to be more rooted in bipartisan opinions and the easiest, laziest interpretation (Paul is a self-insert power fantasy/Paul is actually a conqueror you shouldn't like at all, just as an example - insert any other villain where needed) which makes you sound the smartest. Note how long this post is. I wanted to lay out my opinion on the matter with respect to empathy with an attempt to restrain it to the context of storytelling, and it's much too long. It's easier to digest neat little soundbytes and I'm pretentious or whatever.

Paul's a fucking great character, and I can understand why Villain Enjoyers default to this position instead of what I've laid out here. It's easier that way.

I'll end this post with: I hope they adapt Dune Messiah into a film. It's my favourite Dune book.

#duneposting #narrative cynicism #my pipe dream is God Emperor film adaptation of course

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aspoonofsugar · 3 years

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The “One” Divided Into “Two”

Hello anons, hello friend,

these asks can be answered together!

First of all:

Hello! I just want to say that I love your RWBY metas! So I'm wondering, have you ever done metas about Emerald and Mercury?

Thank you! And yes, I have written a little bit about Mercury and Emerald here. I would also recommend this wonderful meta by @hamliet because it has an interesting Mercury theory in it.

Now. this answer is gonna mix some analysis with speculation because Emerald and Mercury’s story must still enter its climax. Once it does and we are given a specific interpretative key I will be happy to write more metas on them!

I’ll start with this:

Those two are so out of place in Salem's faction and the last look they share made me doubt that Mercury is rotten to the core and more of a kid who didnt know what he's in for. Since Em has switched sides, is it possible that Merc might follow? I really like him, so I'm hoping that he won't go down like Watts.

In my opinion, yes and here is why.

CHILDREN LOST IN A NARRATIVE

1) Emerald and Mercury have been child-coded since their first appearance:

Roman: Oh, look! She sent the kids again! This is turning out just like the divorce!

2) Both have received a save the cat moment early on:

Emerald: It's almost sad.

Mercury: Emerald, get up, we need to go. (...) Emerald!

Both child-coding and save the cat moments are often used to make characters more sympathetic and this applies to both Emerald and Mercury, even more so than Cinder.

This is why, for example, the major death they are directly involved in:

turns out to be a temporary one.

As a side note, I like thinking of Emerald and Mercury as the Cat and the Fox in Penny’s story since they act as false friends to the main cast, betray them and cause Penny’s first death. Moreover, in the novel, both characters end up suffering consequences for their life-styles. The two murder kids are the same:

At the same time, details about Emerald and Mercury’s backgrounds and motivations are given to the viewers pretty early on:

We are shown Cinder recruiting both and these scenes clearly paint them as two vulnerable kids that get manipulated and groomed:

Raven: Two children you’ve tricked into following you.

Emerald is presented as a scaredy cat and Cinder wins her over by promising the bare minumum aka some security and basic care.

Mercury is given even less aka a narrative to keep himself together:

Cinder: And you're his son. We saw your fight from the treeline. He's taught you well.

Mercury: Guess so.

Cinder: What's your name?

Mercury: Mercury.

Cinder: Mercury... Tell me, are you anything like your father?

Mercury: All my life, my father trained me to be a killer, an assassin like him. And then moments after I killed him, you two showed up looking for someone with my exact skills. Just felt like it was meant to be.

Cinder praises his abilities and frames his trauma as something that makes him strong, not broken. And Mercury has completely embraced this narrative since then.

In short, Emerald and Mercury are framed as two kids lost in an illusory narrative Cinder has crafted. That said, they are also characters in a proper narrative and they are given sympathetic backgrounds and positive qualities that hint they can be better than they currently are.

In particular, Emerald should overcome her emotional dependence on others to make the right thing:

In both volume 3 and volume 8 she is shown the destruction of a city. However, the first time she puts distance between herself and others’ pain, as symbolically conveyed by her looking from above. In volume 8, though, she is shown the same pain up close and she can’t ignore it anymore. This is why the others drag Emerald towards the people crying and light invades the screen when she finally meets the sheltered crew. She is forced to face an uncomfortable truth she wants to ignore.

Mercury should instead let himself depend on others more. He should open up to others and fight for his one positive bond:

Mercury: Back off, freak.

Which leads us to:

What do you like most about Emerald and Mercury's relationship and bond as it is explored in RWBY?

EMERCURY: COMPLEMENTARITY

Emerald and Mercury’s bond being a key one is conveyed both symbolically and in terms of their respective abilities.

When it comes to their abilities, I have written about it in the meta linked above:

In short, Emerald mostly relies on her semblance, while Mercury mostly relies on his legs and fighting prowess.

This detail adds to the idea that Emerald and Mercury have been acting as a unit and have been complementing each other. Emerald acts as the “soul” and Mercury as the “body”.

The soul is one’s personal essence (like the semblance). It is where (once again) wishes reside. The body is what protects the soul and is animated by instincts and self-survival.

They complement each other. This complementarity is shown in Emerald and Mercury’s fights.

In the Vytal festival, Mercury takes on both Coco and Yatsuhashi for a short while, so that Emerald can size her chance to fight Coco at her own terms (and she wins by using her semblance).

In the Battle of Heaven, Emerald uses her semblance to help Mercury fight and, in a sense, she compensates for his lack of one:

The human soul is about wishes, but also duties:

Penny: I feel like I wish I could do both the things I need to do and the things I want to do. Is that normal?

One must accept their feelings, but also struggle with them:

Winter: But yes Penny, we must still acknowledge our personal feelings, wrestle with them. It ensures us that we’re on the right path. It’s what makes us human.

And must do the right thing out of their own free will:

Winter: Penny. The general is making hard choices so we don’t have to.

This is Emerald’s personal struggle. She must let go of her feelings for Cinder and fight her own fear in order to do the right thing.

The human body lets people feel both others’ warmth:

And others’ cruelty:

However, Mercury refuses to feel both. He refuses to truly process his own trauma and pushes his feelings of care for Emerald away:

As far as their symbolism goes, they are linked in at least three different ways.

1) One of the attributes of the Roman god Mercury is that he is the protector of thieves and Emerald’s surname capitalized means thief. What is more:

Mercury: Ooh, Emerald! Master thief! Please don't take my money! I barely have enough to get by!

2) Mercury/Hermes is also the god of alchemy and the one who wrote the Emerald Tablet aka a tablet with the truth of alchemy on it. You, @hamliet, have written a meta on it, so I won’t add more.

3) According to at least some traditions, emerald is the gemstone associated with the planet Mercury.

So, it is clear the two characters are meant to be important in each other’s arcs.

Let’s now look at Emerald and Mercury’s bond, as it is explored through their interactions.

Mercury clearly cares about Emerald and gets along well with her. She is the only person he shows vulnerability to.

This is what their scene in Lost is about:

Emerald: Why did you come with us, the night Cinder and I found you?

Mercury: Why are you asking--

Emerald: Just answer the question.

Emerald is trying to open herself up and wants Mercury to open up too. This is why she gets annoyed when Mercury gives her a superficial answer. Still, in that conversation, Mercury is genuinelly trying to answer Emerald’s feelings:

Mercury: I'm sorry you didn't have a mommy that loved you, but I had a father who hated me! He never went easy on me! Every day of training was a beating. And when I unlocked my Semblance, he stole it with his! "This is a crutch!" "This makes you weak!" He told me I could have it back when I was strong. So I got strong, but I never got it back! I've had to work harder than anyone to get where I am. You may not like it here without Cinder, but I think I'm right where I'm supposed to be!

Here, Mercury is telling Emerald details of his past he would not be sharing if he did not trust her. He can’t let himself be completely vulnerable, though, so he discloses them by lashing out at Emerald. He mixes violence with authentic vulnerability and also with care:

Mercury: Cinder doesn't care about you! She doesn't care about either of us!

He has seen how self-destructive Emerald can get when it comes to Cinder:

And he is trying to have Emerald move on from her obsession.

However, Mercury’s small steps towards opening up and caring for another person are constantly challenged:

Tyrian: Oh yes, the world is mean, and I'm a big, bad man now just like the others.

Mercury: How long have you been standing there?!

The moment he opens up to Emerald, Tyrian appears to threathen and mock him.

Mercury’s positive development lies in accepting his own feelings of pain and in sharing them with others, so that he can be helped. However, the environment he is in goes in the way of it:

Emerald: Mercury, I wanted to...

Here, Emerald is trying to either apologize to Mercury for their fight or to at least check out on him. Still, Mercury is not listening to her because he is too frightened by what Salem is doing.

Mercury’s current struggle is conveyed in a nutshell by the glance he gives to his left in Midnight:

Is he looking at Emerald out of concern?

Or at Salem out of caution?

It is not clear. Still, what is sure is that Mercury should focus on Emerald, but Salem goes in the way. He deep down wants to care about others, but he is too scared to do so:

Tyrian: All you ever learned was pain and violence, and now you're too afraid to leave it. Such a tragedy.

At the same time, Mercury is for Emerald what she has been looking for in Cinder:

Emerald: We don't need him! Everything was going fine!

She initially refuses him, but it is clear that with time Mercury becomes the thing most similar to a family Emerald has:

She has been so fixated on Cinder and on how she can be worthy of Cinder’s love that she has missed how much Mercury has tried to protect her all along.

This is why Hazel is important for Emerald’s development:

Hazel: No more Gretchens, boy.

His sacrifice is about breaking his personal cycle of pain. His story starts with Gretchen dying when she was only a girl and it ends with him preventing another girl’s death. At the same time, he also helps breaking the cyle of abuse between Emerald and Cinder.

Emerald is told the truth about her relationship with Cinder by Mercury. Moreover, it seems something finally clicks for her here:

She observes Salem’s manipulation of Cinder and understands Cinder has been manipulating her in the same way.

However, it is thanks to Hazel’s sacrifice that Emerald sees what a genuine parental bond should be like. It should be about the parent protecting the child:

Hazel: What Gretchen would have done. And that starts with getting you away from here. Both of you.

And not the child protecting the parent:

Emerald: I know I can’t beat you. But I can fill that thing full of holes before you take me down.

It should be about the parent caring for the child unconditionally:

Hazel: Go.

And not about the child working hard to gain a parent’s love:

Cinder: You… You brought me back here. We failed.

Emerald: Cinder, you were hurt. I was just trying to help.

At the same time, Hazel’s death has taught Emerald the pain of losing a loved one:

And has forced Emerald to stand on her own two legs:

Oscar: I've seen what you can do, Emerald. However this fight ends, we could really use someone like you.

She can’t be protected forever, but she should start protecting others. She is powerful enough to do so and she must accept this responsibility.

I think Emerald could be key to Mercury's redemption

I think so too. Emerald saving Mercury is the perfect objective for her personal arc. It forces her to act as the savior instead of the one being saved.

Moreover, Mercury told her the truth about herself:

Mercury: You're in denial.

So Emerald might do the same for Mercury. This would also fit with her being the Emerald Tablet. The Tablet is written by Mercury to convey the truth to the world. Here, it might very well be the inverse: the Emerald Tablet might convey the truth to Mercury.

In general, Mercury and Tyrian’s foiling has to pay off, just like Emerald and Hazel’s:

The set-up is there for Tyrian and Mercury’s subplot to be about breaking cycles as well. Mercury’s story is about a child left alone with his abuser. Nobody comes to save him, so Mercury is forced to save himself by killing Marcus. Still, this only leads to him being stuck in the idea he is nothing, but an extension of his father. Right now, the cycle is repeating, but it is possible this time things will go differently because there is at least one person who cares about him.

Not only that, but (and this is nothing, but a baseless theory) even Qrow (aka a character who has unfinished business with Tyrian) might be a thematic fit to help Mercury:

Mercury: Bad hair, used a scythe, and smelled like my dad after a long day. It was him.

After all, Mercury himself draws a comparison between Qrow and his father since they are both alcoholic. However, Qrow has started a journey of rehabilitation for the sake of his nieces and their friends.

Qrow sees himself as bad for others and fundamentally unlucky because of his background and his semblance. So, his third fight with Tyrian being about saving a kid, who, in a sense, is even less lucky than him and has no semblance might be thematically fitting.

Despite it all, Qrow found a family and a place to belong and he might help Mercury find his (Emerald) as well.

SEMBLANCE OF THE SELF

Got no gun But I gleam like a blade and I'm harder than iron

Delusion I'll steal til your blind and defeat you from inside your mind

Emerald’s best weapon is her semblance, while Mercury’s semblance was stolen, so he could become a weapon.

This difference symbolizes their respective reactions to abuse.

Emerald uses her illusions as a coping mechanism.

This mechanism is well conveyed in CEM’s fight against Amber:

On one hand, Emerald creates a child version of herself who is well dressed and owns a bike. It is a rich version of Emerald because she must think that is the kind of child others would stop by to help. She does not believe she is likable or lovable. This is why she makes an illusory alter-ego, which is both true (she deep down is a crying child) and false (she is a street rat with nothing).

In general, this is Emerald’s way to approach others:

Emerald: Just left the stadium after your amazing fight! You guys were awesome!

Ren: Because she's scared. Just like us..

Emerald: Or maybe because I know how to get out of here. Anybody coming?

She either fakes an overly friendly demeanor or acts tougher than she is. In any case, she hides her true self.

On the other hand, Emerald is symbolically trapping herself in an illusion together with Amber. Amber can’t see the dangerous thief in front of her, but Emerald too can’t see the generous woman who is offering food to a crying child:

Cinder: Follow me, and you’ll never be hungry again.

Cinder promises Emerald food and love and this lie makes the girl unable to see the genuine article when it is right there.

So Emerald tricks both others and herself. This is how she survives abuse.

This is why she keeps believing in Cinder while she is gone:

Emerald: You’re here! I knew you’d co--

And this is why symbolically her semblance grows stronger in an abusive environment:

Emerald: I’ve been working on my Semblance. I can help. I won’t tell anybody.

Salem: You really have been honing that Semblance of yours.

After all, this is when Emerald gets a “power-up”:

She has just lost Cinder and finds herself stuck with Salem. Her reaction is to have a breakdown and to project an illusion in the minds of nine people, when she had previously stated she could only do one/two minds at most.

Mercury weaponizes his trauma.

This is why his legs are Mercury’s true weapon, while Talaria is there just to cover and embellish the pain and ugliness under it.

Mercury fights Amber with only its bare legs because symbolically his trauma is still fresh and he has yet to work out a structured coping mechanism to it. His meeting with Cinder is the first step in this construction that evolves in the following months and is still evolving:

In CEM’s fight against Amber, Mercury uses his unfeeling legs to whitstand the violence of the elements:

Fire

Earth and Water

Air

He goes through the whole cycle without feeling any pain simply because his trauma has made him unfeeling:

I'm the one That was ripped from the earth and exposed to the sun

Marcus has literally turned Mercury into Iron:

But I gleam like a blade and I'm harder than iron

Still, the point is that mercury as a metal is not as hard as iron, but (in the alchemical scale of metals) is way more refined and closer to gold. Mercury can be better than his father, but his way to survive abuse is to repress himself.

This is why his semblance was stolen by his abuser. It is because abuse has taken away Mercury’s personhood.

So, both Emerald and Mercury face abuse by masking or repressing themselves. The difference is a matter of degree. Mercury can suppress his emotions and needs more, while Emerald can’t.

Theirs is a foiling about feeling too much to the point of self-harm and of feeling too little to the point of negation.

So, Emerald must struggle with her feelings not to be controlled by them, while Mercury must aknowledge them.

Emerald’s Hallucinations is a Semblance of The Self because it hides both Emerald herself and the truth.

This is interesting because, as stated above, the Emerald Tablet should convey the truth about alchemy. However, Emerald’s environment has turned her into an inversion of herself:

I'm the one Who rose out of filth and was loved by no-one

She is a gemstone, but is currently covered in dirt. She needs to polish herself, so she can shine and fit better in her allusion.

Mercury’s stolen semblance is a Semblance of The Self because it is linked to Mercury’s self-expression, which he must claim back.

Until then, he is bound to be stuck in an abusive cycle as nothing, but a weapon.

In general, there is some symbolism around Mercury which needs unpacking:

Mercury quoting Marcus:"This is a crutch!" "This makes you weak!"

Firstly, he has clearly interiorized what his father told him here. He refuses the idea of weakness and crutches to the point that his prosthetics, which are literal crutches get turned into weapons and even covered by other weapons. However, this refusal of crutches means Mercury can’t heal. After all, crutches, bandages and treatment are necessary to become healthy once again.

Secondly, there is this:

I'll run circles round ya, I can touch the sky

The God Mercury’s main attribute is that he can overcome any boundary. He can go wherever he wants in no time. However, Mercury is the opposite because no matter what, he can’t leave his abusive environment. This has to do once again with his father’s abuse which culminated with Marcus taking Mercury’s legs. This is symbolically why Mercury is trapped.

Like for Emerald, Mercury’s arc should be about growing into his allusion, so that he can finally be free.

Still, how to turn Emerald and Mercury in the positive versions of their allusions? The answer has to do with this question:

(I think Emerald could be key to) maybe Cinder's (redemption) too

I’M THE ONE

Emerald and Mercury are two parts of the individual (body and soul) and two parts of a Huntsman (semblance and weapon):

Ren: A common philosophy is that a warrior's Semblance is a part of who they are.

Ruby: Just weapons? They're an extension of ourselves! They're a part of us! Oh, they're so cool.

Together they make a unit. Together they make Cinder. They are two sides of her trauma, her two sins:

Emerald: Actually, I was wondering, do you have any copies of "The Thief and The Butcher"?

And the wounds behind those sins.

This is why Cinder takes them in, but also why she abuses them.

She uses them as weapons:

In CEM’s fight against Amber she lets them go in first and has them take the majority of Amber’s hits.

Not only that, but she uses them as “red herrings” she hides behind.

She acts as if Amber’s blow takes her out of the fight, while Amber focuses on Mercury who resists her attack:

She has Emerald display her semblance at full force, so that the girl becomes Amber’s first target:

She makes her own illusion where Emerald and Mercury are her smokescreen.

However, her two disciples are not just things she can use as she pleases. They are two people who depend on her:

Mercury: You mean--

Emerald: She's alive?

They are literally two kids she takes in framing their relationship as parental/hierarchical hence she is responsible for them.

However, she fails them and leaves them in a dangerous environment. This is why they both leave her out of self-survival.

Narratively, Emerald and Mercury are two kids that must grow up. Right now, they are in some kind of adolescent phase. They have started their emancipation from their “parent”, but they have still to grow until they’ll be able to truly face Cinder.

It will probably be in this confrontation that they will affirm their growth. Right now, Cinder does not need to be coddled, but to be called out. Both Neo and Watts try to, but Cinder ignores them and retaliates against them. She needs a call out she can’t ignore and Emerald and Mercury are too rooted in who she deep down is for her to be unaffected by them.

At the same time, it would mark Mercury and Emerald’s first step into adulthood. Only then they can stop being a “half” and can truly become “one”, so a whole person.

#rwby #rwby meta #emercury #emerald sustrai #mercury black #cinder fall #my meta #asksfullofsugar #anonymous #hamliet #murder kids #rwby murder kids

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yandere-sins · 4 years

Note

Glad to see you back! Could I ask for 41 from the prompt list with Kitsune Dabi. It just reminds me of that ninetales myth from pokemon mystery dungeon about their tails bringing calamity if someone touches them.

Oooh, yes, I remember that! Ah, how nostalgic, Ninetales is also my favorite Pokémon lol! Thank you for requesting it, hope you enjoy! :D

“Yes, you can touch them.”

»»————-———— ♡ ————————-««

Curiosity might have killed the cat, but you were so sure that you weren’t the cat in this scenario. Neither was he, you had to admit, his traits way more fox than cat. The softness of his tails shone in the sweet grace of the moonlight, the black and red fur so prominent and visually appealing, it was like an invite to come and take a nap. Safe and comfortable in the tender feeling of those enormous tails.

Damn, you were so exhausted.

As long as you had been running, you hadn’t noticed it, but now that you came to a standstill, it was almost like your body demanded compensation for its work in the form of sleep, food, and water. Anything really, to keep you on your two legs, which were shivering enough to break down beneath you any second now.

“Tired?” he - the creature, the presence, the whatever he was - asked, grinning knowingly. “I’m not surprised; you ran quite a few circles through the forest before coming here.”

“Is... Is this...” you looked around you, the clearing so peaceful and serene, it was hard to imagine that just a bit of time ago, you had been amidst screams and terror as your village burned to the ground in the middle of the night. “Am I dead?”

“Dead?” he scoffed, laughing lightly. “Why? You feel like you are?”

Looking down at yourself, you inspected your hands, black from the ash. There were little cuts on your palms, up to your arms from where you got stuck to burning buildings and falling debris. “N-No, but everyone else... they... I... There was nothing I could...”

The blame was enough for tears to form in your eyes, heavy and hot, and you knew he was right, you weren’t dead at all. “I couldn’t help them at all,” you sobbed, ignoring the smearing feeling of your hands on your face, as you covered your eyes in shame. Slowly sinking into you, you sat down on the grass ground, wrapping your arms around your legs to give you some kind of comfort as you cried into what was left of the ruined clothes you were wearing. They had been so beautiful, so delicate, made just for you and your wedding that should have taken place instead of that awful disaster back home.

Perhaps you should have been more worried about who you were talking too, but you couldn’t bear to care at that moment. In a matter of hours, you had lost everything, even though it should have been the happiest day in your life. Sure, you didn’t know the groom you were supposed to be married too, but for your family and your village, you had been glad to overcome your initial fear, especially knowing he had picked you out of all the other marriage candidates that lived in the nearest villages and cities, and even from your own town.

It was only when you felt a soft touch, incredible to the feel, against your cheek, that you looked up on your own, seeing the tail dance just next to you, at least, one of them. You were so tempted to reach out, rub your face on it more, the softness and warmth bringing comfort that you sought out so desperately. But still, you hesitated, lowering the hands you wanted to reach out to it and digging them into your shins again.

The irritated click of a tongue did finally reach your ear, and you looked up in front of you again, helplessly brushing away the tears to see less in a less blurry vision. When he moved, he did so graciously, just like you expected from a fox spirit. The tails separated, giving him the freedom to move without them in the way, revealing his oddly colored and seemingly imperfect skin. But who were you to judge? You probably didn’t look much better.

“Crying? Really? On our wedding day?”

It didn’t take him many steps to approach, long fingers with sharp nails brushing under your chin, threatening, yet not painful. He lifted your chin, far more than you could in your current position, urging you to stand up on your knees as he wouldn’t stop the pressure under your jaw. “And here I thought I chose a ‘bride’ a bit more resolute than the others.”

“I-I don’t understand,” you had to admit, having to grab his wrist by now as his fingers laid around your jaw, pulling you up into a stand by the underside of your mouth alone. “There isn’t much to understand about, little Human.”

The tails behind him moved as if they had free reign to do what they wanted. One wrapped around your left shin, its tip tickling the sensitive skin of your feet. Another two laid themselves around your hips, giving you some cover and also warmth, while another slung itself around your right wrist multiple times, giving you the feeling of being held and restrained by it. “Do you like them?” he asked, the gleam in his eyes almost akin to fondness.

“Everyone loves them. You can touch them if you want.”

Another tip appeared right before your eyes, wiggling temptingly. You couldn’t deny the mighty need to touch it, cuddle it to yourself in an attempt to get more comfort. But at the same time, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were forgetting something. “N-No, I shouldn’t...” you eventually muttered, trying to find some eye contact with him, but you found yourself stared down by the cold, icy circles in his eyes, making it incredibly hard to look directly into them.

“Yes. Yes, you can touch them. I’m being nice, don’t leave me hanging.”

“No, I don’t want to...”

“Do it.”

Silence, neither of you moved.

“Just fucking do it!”

Baring his teeth, you couldn’t help but jump from the sight of the sharp canine ones he showed. It made sense to you that they were there, but the sight, almost as shiny as they tails, made you realize how real they were. Real and sharp.

He reached for your free hand himself, wrapping his fingers around the wrist as he pulled it forward to his tail. Though you reacted quickly, balling your hand into a fist, causing the tails wrapped around you to stir in anger, tightening ever so slightly. “Why are you being so damn difficult?!” he barked, pulling at your arm roughly again and again.

“They promised you to me! They sold you out, you know that?! Couldn’t fulfill their debts to my clan for months now, so they promised me one of their own!”

“Wh-What?! No! I was promised to some man from another village! I was chosen from many!” you screamed at him, in pain, but your adrenaline skyrocketed.

“It’s not my fault when they told you that,” he growled back. “But it’s time to keep your end of the bargain! Your parents thought they were very clever, sending us a decoy and trying to get you away before we would find out, but I’m not that stupid.”

“You mean...” Your resistance weakened as your memories flooded back. You could clearly remember sending off your sibling, who was smiling and crying tears of joy. It was true that they always had been a sickly child, so hearing someone wanted to marry them was a surprise, yet the greatest joy you could have experienced in a long time. And on the same day as you even! You two would have become the happiest people on earth at the same time.

The tears flooded back, as you couldn’t help but think of what might have happened to them. The pain that you felt was instant, like a cold dagger in your chest, yet stinging in your whole body. “Are they...? Too...?”

The smile curling on his lips was a one-of-a-kind one, mischievous, yet, a poker face like you had never seen one. “Maybe,” he hummed, shrugging lightly. “Maybe not,” he added, grinning only wider with the spark of hope in your eyes. “They could be very much alive, and I could lead you to them. But you need to accept what you are first.”

Pulling on your arm again, you flinched over the strength he used to wrap around your wrist. You knew what he wanted. Knew what he was trying to make you do. Whatever plans he had with you, he needed you to touch his tails out of your own free will. Agree to the marriage put upon you two. Become his.

There were a million reasons not to, alone because you couldn’t know if your sibling even was still alive. But if they were, they were all that’s left from your family, all you had left on earth even. “The longer you wait, the more likely it will be that they are roasting over a campfire, you know.”

It was a taunt, a challenge even. But the way he was, you could only imagine how the other creatures in his clan behaved. Slowly, almost painfully, you opened your hand, revealing your palm. Noticing your cooperation, he finally let go of you, blood pumping through your wrist noticeably from being cut off by his strength before.

Carefully, you settled down into the fur, the tail bumping back into you, letting itself be gripped and held like an affectionate animal. It felt exactly like you imagined it, just as comforting as you hoped it would from all the other touches you had experienced. “Good,” he hummed, and you felt the tails around your body tug you forwards, closer to him until he could put his arms around you in an almost loving embrace.

“You decided right. I promise that our marriage will never be boring as long as you live. Otherwise, I’ll just burn down another village for you. Wouldn’t that be fun, Darling.”

Curiosity might not have killed the cat, but you knew it was on you to keep this maniac of a husband from killing more humans. And all you could think of as he gave you a kiss so bitter, tasting like smoke itself before he left the nibbling sensation of teeth on your lower lip, was that you hoped your sacrifice would be enough to keep your sibling alive at least.

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everything-laito · 3 years

Text

About the theory that maybe Laito doesn't like to be touched as much as he says he does.

This was submitted by @grs-wonder320! I did not edit anything in their response (or the title), I just added paragraph breaks so it's easier to read. I'll put my response below as well!

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I am not the one who asked this question, but I would like to take this opportunity to express my personal opinion on this question. As it turns out, I have a completely different opinion than Corn. That is to say, I believe that there is a good chance that Laito does not like to be touched.

Rationale: I believe that there is a psychology of "excessive pandering to those things that are disgusting or painful to you," and I think that this psychology makes us appear to be happy on the surface, even though we actually dislike them. There are many exceptions to this rule. You may be thinking, "No, no, there are many exceptions to this rule. It is true that this rule does not apply in all situations. It mainly works when he is playing a pervert. So, why does he dare to act perverted in the first place? Most of the time, it's because he wants to be smoked out by the people around him. Why do you want to be smoked? ↓ I don't want to attract them to myself. ↓ Even though he doesn't want to be around other people, he is very sociable (compared to the people around him, that is). So it's hard to imagine why he is annoyed by human relationships like Subaru. ↓ Then there is a good chance that they want to hide something or smoke you out because there is something they don't want you to know. ↓ There is often a pattern of people who want to hide the fact that they are actually perverts, so they pretend to be sane on the surface.

In other words, the Laito that is ostensibly acting as a pervert is _____? Yes, that's what I mean. (What do you mean?) It's almost impossible to play a pervert to hide a pervert, isn't it? Most of the time, people play a false image to hide the opposite nature. In Laito's case, considering what happened in the past, it can be seen as "I'm acting perverted because I want to hide the fact that I'm hurt, and I don't want to be aware that I'm hurt, so I'm acting perverted as a self-suggestion.

There are not many people who can be sincerely friendly to the events that hurt them. In the first place, being "hurt" proves that there was something disgusting about you, so we can conclude that Laito is likely to have an aversion to sexual things. I think this explains the psychology that exists in Laito. Back to the topic at hand, I think it's hard to believe that Laito likes to be touched.

In Corn's answer, he used the example of "Laito trying to get me to touch him", which I think can also be explained by the aforementioned psychology. I, too, have a desire to challenge things I dislike (although this is due to overcoming my weaknesses and seeing things that scare me, and is not the same as Laito's), so I think it is entirely possible for someone to "dare to do something they dislike. Also, there is a high possibility that Laito is not aware of his own aversion to sexual matters, and if that is the case, everything is "true" in his mind, so naturally he would not be aware that he is doing something he dislikes. It could be called an unconscious act of self-harm. In the real world, you can only be aware of it when someone points it out to you, or you break your body by going over the limit. I think Laito has that kind of thing too. (Especially Laito in MB). This concludes the explanation. Thank you very much for reading this far!

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First of all, I'm unsure what you mean by "smoking out," If you could provide clarification on that, that would be great! I think I know what you mean by it, I'm just a lil confused and hope I didn't misinterpret it!

I do agree with you on your psychology on the excessive pandering part! That's exactly what Laito does most of the time, it's what fuels his facade! As for touching, I do think that speculating it could go either way. I do think Laito is touch starved though. Sure people who are touch starved might not want to be touched. I have thought about it since I made that post and honestly, he might want to be touched just like he wants to have genuine love, but he's insecure about it almost.

However, if he was excessively pandering about being touched, he might have done that more often. The only time where he asks Yui to touch him throughout the entire HDB game is only in that supposed mutual masturbation scene, and his heaven scenario. He is known to have a masochistic streak regardless. The other times its Yui either pushing him or slapping him etc. (I'm planning on going over his masochism on a later date)

Laito excessively panders when he says absolutely wild shit that makes others uncomfortable, or gets Yui to be unnerved.

In my previous post, I did say that he could be playing it up! But the fact that he doesn't have Yui touch him until late game does say something. It shows that he's opening up and being more vulnerable. Sure this is HDB Laito and we don't really get much of his facade cracking in that game compared to MB+. Late game HDB Laito is able to let down his guard slightly, since he knows he has Yui wrapped around his finger. The thing is, his excessive pandering to him being a pervert is typically used for manipulation. Your psychology checks out in everything else about him, I do agree with that. But as for touching, that doesn't really "prove" to Yui that Laito's a pervert.

If Laito wanted to utilize touch as a facade of control, he would have done it earlier. Instead, he used other methods to give Yui a false sense of security at times, which he used to break her down further. Could he be doing it in order to show Yui he doesn't have a weakness? He could, but once again when it comes to topics or situations where he doesn't want to be involved with, he acts aloof and avoids it at all costs while changing the conversation. That's my rationale on that. The fact that he has such a different reaction being touched vs his other activities that could be considered as "excessive pandering" is a lil ~sus~ as they say. Or inversely, maybe Laito doen't address the fact that he likes being touched because he might consider genuine thrill as a weakness but maybe he gets desperate. He's desperate for legitimate compassion, the mans needs it.

As for challenging things you dislike, that also checks out in general. However, when it comes to Laito, he likes a sense of control and security. Instructing Yui to touch him gives that sense of control, but also lets him be slightly vulnerable. It's not even that vulnerable because if she does anything that could potentially harm Laito, he would be able to stop it in an instant.

He doesn't like challenging himself, and we all know this. His facade was created so he doesn't have to challenge himself to get over his past trauma. It's to avoid it and not challenge it instead.

I do think that Laito is incredibly self aware and self unaware at the same time. It's a little paradoxical but I feel like he knows he has a facade, but again, he tries to avoid the fact that he does have one and that his facade is true. We do know he's self aware through drama cds and what he says about himself in the games. They're vague, but once you know his character, you know what he's talking about. The fact that he projects onto Yui also says a lot about that.

Also, a little side note as well, in MB he does have consensual sex with Yui. Before that scene happened, he was being extremely vulnerable and a good chunk of his facade broke down. There's a certain tone when you know Laito's being serious and taking down his mask, and that's exactly what he did in that MB scene. Here's a quote from it:

Laito: For some reason, I feel strangely refreshed. Don’t you think that’s weird? I couldn’t get your blood out of my head for the longest time, but it finally calmed down. Right now, it isn’t your blood, but instead I want to hold your warm body close like this… And kiss you…I want to indulge in your body until I’m sick and tired of it. Nfu~

In this scene, Laito was happy crying, which was something he was not familiar with but also hasn't experienced before. It's an involuntary bodily function, yet he was confused by it. This just shows he is genuinely happy, and the fact that he says that he genuinely is admitting to what he wants for once, I don't think it's excessive pandering in this scene, it's him developing. You could argue that he got over his aversion to being touched in this scene. There's a couple asks in my ask box that's related to him and sex, which I will also get to sometimes this week. But that's a different post.

Again I think it could be argued either way, but that's my thought process behind this aside from what I previously said! There's just a lot to think about when it comes to this, and we won't know unless if something is said in canon! But Laito's incredibly complex and there's several factors that explains his behavior.

Hope that makes sense! And once again, thanks so much for submitting! I love hearing people's opinions and their own thoughts that either confirm or challenge my own, so thank you for that! This one definitely got me thinking more. That's the beauty in analysis! Each person takes something different from the text!

And who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind in the future!

#submission #analysis #diabolik lovers analysis #dialovers analysis #dialover analysis #diabolik lovers #dialover #dialovers #laito sakamaki analysis #laito sakamaki #sakamaki laito #raito sakamaki #sakamaki raito

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juminsmysticmc · 4 years

Note

Okay here is another idea. It would be rfa + minor duo: An MC that works at a daycare. I know it's not very detailed but I'm fine with it being taken in any direction you want.

RFA + Minor Duo with a Mc who works at a daycare

Thank you for everything you do my love!

Jumin

One day, right after your honeymoon, Jumin arrived home earlier than expected.

However, you were missing.

The young man couldn’t reach you on your phone and all possible thoughts haunted him.

Did someone kidnap you? Perhaps you escaped on your own? Was there something wrong?

Jumin Han’s fears hit him as he tried to find out what happened to you.

However, when the bodyguards told him that you went out with a bag in your hands Jumin lost hope.

,,She escaped. I won’t try to take her back, or maybe that’s what she wants?’’ Jumin said out loud.

,,Are you troubled? Tell me,’’ you suddenly asked him, kissed his cheek, and went to the bathroom to wash your hands.

,,Yeah. My wife escaped and I wonder what I should do now. What do you think, Mc?’’ he asked you and looked up.

,,Huh? Mc? You came back?’’ he suddenly jumped up and looked at you.

His heart grew warmer. Was this happiness?

You chuckled and nodded.

,,You also come back after work, so why shouldn’t I come home?’’ you laughed.

Well, the atmosphere got awkward. Jumin Han didn’t even know that his wife was working.

But then you reassured him and told him that you actually kept it hidden on purpose.

,,I think your job is amazing. Thanks to you, children have the possibility to play with other children and learn different kinds of things. When they have a Nanny, they perhaps can’t make any friends,’’ Jumin nodded as you told him about your part time job in a daycare.

Zen

,,But you need some time for yourself. You need to rest too!’’ Zen complained when you told him that you wanted to become his manager and keep working at the daycare center.

,,I know, but they are both part time. Besides, I don’t think that it’s hard. It’s almost like taking care of my own children,’’ you told him, trying to reassure him.

Zen’s eyes shined when you told him your feelings over your job.

,,I also want children by the way…’’ he told you, making you laugh.

,,Perfect, because I want you to become the father of my babies,’’ you confessed.

Sometimes Zen even came to your center to look at you from the window and observe you playing with the children.

Often you looked over their shoulders and sometimes it seemed as if you were helping them with homework.

,,You indeed do a lot of things at work, don’t you?’’ he asked you.

But nevertheless, Zen was amazed.

Every child was different, but you still managed to take care of them all and love them as if they were your own.

Yoosung

,,Are you okay?’’ Yoosung asked you when you came home.

You let go of your bag, jacket, and threw your body on the couch, beginning to sob immediately.

,,Hey, Mc, what’s wrong?’’ he asked you.

You sadly looked at him.

Something must have been wrong at work. You were the kind of person who loved her job with her whole heart.

As soon as a child felt sick, you felt responsible.

But that was also the reason why Yoosung loved you that much.

,,I- am I even good at what I do?’’ you asked him, sobbing into his shirt.

Yoosung nodded and then asked you the reason for your insecurity.

,,Today was the most hated day in my job - we needed to tell the parents about their children and I know that something is wrong with Dan-i. She can’t talk yet and she needs therapy so that she can finally talk. But the mother didn’t want to listen to me and said that if she’s too lazy to talk, it’s better that way! That’s not how a mom should be!’’ you kept crying.

Yoosung nodded.

Sometimes parents made decisions for their children which weren’t always right.

,,Listening to a stranger may have made her feel bad. Give her time and call her in two days. I’m sure that she paid attention to it by the time,’’ Yoosung told you, making you feel much better.

,,My co-worker is bugging me,’’ you kept going.

,,For the children’s health we need to sanitize the mats, but she just won’t do it!’’ you complained.

Yoosung quickly grabbed your cheeks and made you look at him.

,,You’re the team leader in there. They need to listen to you. For once, you can make them feel that you’re their supervisor!’’ Yoosung told you.

Like always, your husband had the perfect words to make you get up in a good mood the next day and overcome the day once again.

Jaehee

,,Have fun!’’ Jaehee laughed as you left the house and the coffee shop in her care.

You were still three times in the week for four hours working in the Daycare.

You just needed the balance between baking cakes, making coffee, and serving clients.

Working between children was totally different for you.

However, both jobs were challenging and as soon as the weekend came, you couldn’t wait to fall asleep next to your loving girlfriend.

,,How was your day?’’ she always asked you.

,,I’m feeling worn out and… sick?’’ you mumbled.

Jaehee mumbled, thinking that you were just sleepy from the hard day. However, she quickly realized that you were actually sick.

,,I hate it…’’ you mumbled, feeling bad that she had to be alone in the shop once again.

,,It’s normal. You are with children so it’s normal that you get sick too. Just rest a lot today,’’ she always made you feel better.

However, your job wasn’t just exhausting.

There also existed these beautiful days when you could successfully teach a kid something and got praised for your hard work.

Saeyoung

,,Have fun playing!’’ Saeyoung laughed as you were about to leave.

However, you stayed in the same spot for a few seconds more.

,,You know,’’ you began ,,working the whole day in a daycare isn’t as easy as you think. Of course, we can do a lot of fun things such as watching Disney movies or reading a book together, but I would like to see you change a diaper.

Or to make a toilet break, tidy up dirt, poop, and food,’’ you responded.

You lived and loved your job and whenever someone said that working in a daycare was a joke, you got angry.

Because it wasn’t.

Saeyoung kissed you and apologized.

,,I know that you do more, that you write reports, make lesson plans, keep a close eye on all the children, take care of them, and often your job is heartbreaking.

I’m sorry if my joke was tasteless,’’ he honestly told you and smiled at you again, lifting up your mood.

,,Thank you Saeyoung,’’ you whispered and really went to your students.

Saeran

,,It’s amazing!’’ Saeran smiled at you brightly when you told him that you would start in a daycare.

You were crazy about children, wanted their best, and you wanted to help children.

You wanted to make homework assignments with them, keep an eye on them, teach them how to walk, eat, and talk.

You wanted to love them and make them feel loved.

But one of your other reasons was that you wanted to keep a close eye on children who perhaps could have been abused.

You didn’t want anyone to have to live in pain like Saeran and Saeyoung had.

You wanted to do something for children.

Of course it was hard. You first had to take a lot of tests, pass on different things and learn a lot of different stuff.

And your pay wasn’t even high.

You had to tidy up vomit. A lot of vomit.

And for the first time, you even got awfully sick when a kid was sick too.

The worst was that whenever you got sick, Saeran would get sick too and since he was kind of weak it always worried you.

,,It looks like we got immune,’’ Saeran laughed as he thought about the last illness you told him about.

You nodded and hugged him.

,,Let’s have a child on our own soon,’’ you told him, making him feel ready too.

Jihyun

,,I look up to you,’’ he confessed one day when you arrived home with Lucy who was at the same centre as you.

You smiled at him and asked Lucy if she would please wash her hands first. You did the same and went into the kitchen and prepared dinner.

,,Why?’’ you asked Jihyun since he praised you out of nothing.

,,Well,’’ the blue haired man began.

,,You go there with our daughter, take care of her and a lot of other children. You teach them how to eat, take care of themselves, make them take naps.

You don’t have time for yourself, you prepare for the next lessons, and I just think that you are amazing, Mc,’’ he ended.

You nodded and looked at him, you knew perfectly what he wanted to say with his words.

,,You know, you did a great job with Saeyoung,’’ you told him, placing your hand on his cheek.

,,Saeyoung is so thankful to you, and we are too. And even though you have the feeling that some things didn’t work out the way you wanted, always think about it: someone else is thankful to you and things that you did great. Besides, it was your first time taking care of a child and you were young yourself,’’ you told him, your husband who blushed and thanked you for the compliment you gave him.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

30.03.2020// 00:01 MEST

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unnecessaryadversaries · 4 years

Text

LOVE & DEATH [Alucard | Adrian Tepes x Death]

Summary: After Dracula’s passing, Death (also known as Mistress) returns to his castle to mourn. When discovered by Alucard the two of them find solace amongst one another. As their friendship deepens into something more, Mistress Death and Alucard learn to overcome ghosts of their past and challenges of the future.

(A/N: This idea has been brewing in my mind for months after I finished season 2 of Castlevania. The character Death hasn’t been adapted from the games yet, so I took it upon myself to do it in my own way. Btw, this is only the first chapter so if you like what you read, the rest is posted on Ao3 under the same title.)

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I killed him… I killed him. My father, my flesh and blood.

I saw him. I heard him groan in agony as his body disintegrated before me. His blood still stained my gloves, and the smell of decay never left me. The ash from his burnt body still seemed to cling to my hair, and sometimes I'd catch myself flexing the hand that held the stake which pierced him as if it were still in my grasp.

I miss my father. He’s dead. I miss him.

So why then do these accursed memories plague me so? Why then do I see him there, clutching my mother’s portrait in his hand? This is no memory; this is no ghost…is this really my father? He’s dead. Has he returned? He’s dead. I killed him, he’s dead.

What is this?

“Who are you?” Alucard demanded.

Earlier in the night, Alucard had left the castle to wander the grounds in search of an animal to hunt. When he returned, an unsettling chill set into his bones as soon as he stepped foot in the foyer. It made him shiver and gave him goosebumps; it was as if this chill constantly crept down his back, making his hair stand on end. There always seemed to be some sort of quiet, ambient noise that echoed throughout the castle, however now it was unnaturally quiet as if time had stopped. Even his footsteps seemed too loud as he searched the halls for an intruder. The echo from his boots unnerved him, so he decided to levitate instead. As he approached the open door to his father’s study he gasped.

A tall, dark figure loomed by the lit fireplace; it wore a dark, hooded cloak and its back was facing Alucard. Its head was dipped to stare at the portrait of Lisa Tepes, which is held in its hand. It was as still as a statue. The outline of this figure was too sharp, it's body too solid to only be a memory or a spirit. Alucard fell silently to his feet and his mouth fell open with the intent to speak.

Is this my father? Tears brimmed his eyes and threatened to spill. Has he returned?

He hardened his expression and placed his hand on the handle of his longsword, ready to unsheathe it if necessary.

“Answer me, who are you?”

The figure lifted a hand to softly trace the outline of Lisa’s face with a long, pointed fingernail. It raised its head at the sound of Alucard drawing his sword and turned slightly to face him. He narrowed his eyes and posed to strike.

“Speak,” he ordered for the final time.

The figure sighed as if out of breath and lowered the portrait, then slowly turned to face him. His eyes widened slightly as he realized that this figure is… a woman? From what Alucard could tell she stood a few inches above him and she wore what appeared to be a floor-length, hooded black robe with long medieval sleeves. Underneath was a long, form-fitting, velvet dark blue dress that almost appeared black. The neckline of her dress was high and straight, hitting right below her collarbone. A three chained, silver belt hung loosely on her wide hips and tiny human skulls hung like charms from the lowest chain. An intricate, round silver amulet hung proudly from her neck; a red, cracked gemstone sat in the center. Her hood shrouded her eyes and nose in shadow and her full lips were downturned at the corners. Alucard gripped his sword tighter.

Who is this woman?

She made no further movements and only seemed to stare him down. Her stillness caused his stomach to turn. An odd and uncomfortable fluttering sensation permeated his gut; a sensation he hadn't felt since he had encountered his father with the intent to kill him. His hands started to sweat as the memory of that fateful night flashed through his mind once more, and his body began to involuntarily shake. The woman tilted her head slightly to the side as a corner of her mouth lifted into a small pitying smirk, "hmph.”

She brushed him off and walked towards the desk where the portrait hung above. Carefully, as if fearing to damage it, she lifted the painting, placed it back on the wall, and continued to stare at Lisa. He bared his teeth as irritation stirred within him. He felt humiliated, ignored, and he cursed himself for succumbing to the overwhelming unease this woman evoked. From her eerie silence to the unnaturally smooth way she walked —as if she were gliding across the floor— it set him on edge. She was unearthly and seemed far too detached from even the most otherworldly creatures he’s dealt with before. It alarmed him how nonchalantly she ignored him, like how a man would ignore a line of ants beneath his boot: too indifferent to pay them any attention but confident in the fact that he’d crush them in an instant. The thought made Alucard shudder.

He watched as this woman lifted her hand to caress the cheek of Lisa’s portrait longingly. His eyes widened and his mouth fell agape. What the hell?

The way she touched his mother’s portrait seemed far too intimate for his liking. His confusion quickened to rage as he imagined this horrid woman touching his mother like that when she was alive, and he grimaced at the thought. Despite his discomfort, his anger was enough to steel his resolve. He gripped his sword tight, raised it, and quickly lunged towards her. In the blink of an eye, he had pierced her heart from behind deftly. He paid no heed to whether she was too slow to react or simply did not care to put up a fight. She grunted and slowly turned her head. Alucard stared in horror as he watched her head begin to rotate at a perfect 180-degree angle to face him. Before she had a chance to completely turn her head towards him, he plunged his sword deeper, to the hilt, inside of her body. This caused her head to swivel back quickly, her head bowed as she hunched over and braced her hands on the edge of the desk.

He spoke gravely, “You come into my home unannounced and have the gall to touch my mother’s portrait like that.”

He leaned towards her by a few inches causing the added weight to push her slightly forward against the desk. She exhaled shakily. “Your presence confounds me, woman, and your disregard angers me, so I ask again, what is your business here!”

Silence filled the room once more apart from the crackling of the fire. Alucard’s chest rose and fell with the heaviness of his breathing, his eyes were narrowed, and his patience was beginning to fade. He felt his sword waver slightly as the woman’s body began to tremble and he almost couldn’t believe he began to hear light sobs and hiccuping.

Is she crying?

“To mourn,” she replied. Her voice was soft and barely above a whisper.

His brows knitted in confusion, “what?”

She quickly turned around causing Alucard to lose his grip on the sword and stumble back.

“I said—!” Her voice boomed.

Suddenly a mysterious force snuffed the fire out and the room was bathed in a thick, dark shadow that seemed to wrap itself around every corner. All at once the high-pitched whistle of a strong, howling wind resounded throughout the room, it’s screeching deafening. Alucard could not tell from which direction this wind blew, nor what caused it, but it’s iciness bit at his skin, chilling him to the bone; and its force blew his long hair around wildly. Without warning he was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of dread and distress; it was as if a heaviness had settled upon his shoulders. He staggered back and fell helplessly onto his rear. He could feel his heartbeat wildly in his chest; the thrums of this beating pounded on his chest and rattled his rib cage.

Bumbumbumbumbum!

He struggled to breathe and found it hard to swallow because of how dry his mouth had become. Panicking, he clutched his chest and choked. An ambient droning sound— akin to the buzzing of a multitude of flies— grew louder and louder in his ears, and static seemed to cloud his sight; invading from his peripheral vision and closing in towards the front, his line of sight becoming narrow. The figure of this woman loomed above him imposingly and he looked upon her in fear. He felt his nose begin to stuff as warm tears ran uncontrollably down his cheeks.

What’s happening! Am I going to die?

However, these sensations and the darkness were gone as quickly as they came, too quickly in fact for Alucard to process. It was as if nothing had happened. The fireplace was lit once again, bathing the room in an orangish glow, and the snapping of firewood filled the otherwise silent room once more. His chest expanded widely as he gulped down lung fulls of air. He dropped his head in his hands and carded them through his hair to tug on the roots.

Was that real? Did I almost die?

Alucard quickly realized that this woman was more dangerous than he’d originally believed, and he felt anxious at the thought of her harming the villagers who lived far beyond his castle. He released his hair and lifted his head to steal a glance at her through his parted fingers. He was afraid to stand, not wanting to seem like a threat. When he noticed that her head was bowed, he lowered his hands and cautiously raised his head to view her fully. She was trembling slightly, and she clutched her amulet in a tight fist.

“I—I said…” she began with a sad voice.

Hastily, Alucard scooted back as the woman walked forward to unsheathe herself from his levitating sword; it dropped to the ground with a clank! The woman followed suit, falling to her knees with enough force to shake the ground.

“…to mourn.”

Her sobs began again as she curled in on herself; Alucard’s eyebrows raised in disbelief.

To mourn? He looked at Lisa's portrait. She was mourning my mother?

It was then that he felt a slight tug on his heart. He hadn’t thought anyone else, besides his father and himself, had dealt with the pain of losing his mother. After killing his father, bearing the weight of loss became something he had carried himself, and it was such a heavy burden. At that moment Alucard had wished things were different, and that his mother’s love was enough to completely eradicate his father’s hate towards humanity. Maybe then he wouldn’t have needed to kill his father. Maybe then he wouldn’t have been so drastically alone. He yearned for the presence of his father, and much more than that, his mother. These were desperate and grieving thoughts, ones he had thought he was able to subdue, but they clawed their way from the recesses of his mind and attacked him once again. His throat tightened and he chastised himself for losing control of these wild thoughts, ones that used to keep him up for days at a time. To calm his mind, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose, then exhaled through his mouth; he repeated this technique a few more times before opening his eyes.

He steeled himself and spoke with a gentler tone, “I do not know who you are and yet I empathize with you. If you truly came here to mourn my mother, then please…tell me who you are.”

The woman's sobbing stopped gradually, and she exhaled deeply once she was finished. Next, she sat back on her legs with one hand splayed behind herself for support and the other still clutched her amulet, albeit with a much softer grip. Most of her face was masked from Alucard, so he couldn’t see the forlorn look she had in her eyes when she raised her head to look at him.

He looks just like her, she thought.

Fresh tears brimmed her eyes, but she was too exhausted to stop them from flowing.

She released her amulet to grip her hood, “very well.”

Frozen, Alucard didn’t blink as he finally saw this woman’s face. Her skin was a dark shade of brown and the richness of it was emphasized by the warm glow of the fireplace. This was contrasted by her wide eyes which were framed by thick, black eyelashes. The entirety of her irises and pupils were a blue so pale they almost blended in with the sclera, oddly there seemed to be some sort of inner glow that shone through, furthering her ethereality. Much to his surprise, they held a deep sadness that Alucard also saw in his own and momentarily reminded him of his father’s eyes moments before his death. Long, white, loosely waved hair cascaded down her back and echoed the same glow in her eyes. Though she looked to be in her early thirties, her face did not betray age-old wisdom.

Alucard gulped, she was beautiful.

Despite her grief, she lifted her head proudly and said with confidence, “I am Death, but you may call me Mistress.”

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terramythos · 4 years

Text

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 24 of 26

Title: A Choir of Lies (2019) (A Conspiracy of Truths #2)

Author: Alexandra Rowland

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, First-Person, Unreliable Narrators (Plural!), Female Protagonist, LGBT Protagonist

Rating: 9/10

Date Began: 8/24/2020

Date Finished: 9/07/2020

Three years after A Conspiracy of Truths, Ylfing finds himself disillusioned and alone. He’s seen how a story can crumble an entire nation, and is unsure if he wants to continue on his path to being a Chant-- a professional wandering storyteller.

Taking a job as a merchant’s translator in the canal city of Heyrland, Ylfing’s new employer soon realizes his penchant for storytelling, and he grudgingly agrees to use his gift to sell stars-in-the-marsh, an exotic flower. Ylfing’s stories soon cause a frenzied demand for the flowers, and entire fortunes become tied up in contracts for them. However, an unforeseen disaster looms that could ruin the lives of thousands, and Ylfing must decide whether he can rise up to fix his mistakes, or let the city destroy itself.

I can’t save everyone completely. But maybe I can mostly save a couple people, or save most people a tiny bit. It’s one little thing, and that’s better than nothing. That’s always better than nothing.

Minor spoilers under the cut.

Full disclosure: I had a hard time getting into A Choir of Lies. Reading the first section of the book was an exercise in patience. Basically, the book has two protagonists. One's Ylfing, a fan favorite from A Conspiracy of Truths. Ylfing seems much different than his last appearance; it's obvious something major and/or traumatic happened between books. He's depressed, disillusioned, and directionless, questioning his life and decision to become a Chant, a wandering storyteller. He's a far cry from the optimistic, happy-to-a-fault character from the previous volume. The book itself is sort of a journal of his daily experiences living in a canal city called Heyrland (think fantasy!Copenhagen). On the other hand, we also have a new character named Mistress Chant, who has somehow obtained this journal, and provides ongoing footnote commentary about Ylfing and the events he describes. It's almost identical to what Shriek: An Afterword does, and like before I think it's an interesting tool to portray different, often opposed perspectives. It becomes obvious that Mistress Chant doesn't like Ylfing much, and her comments on his early depression and struggles are brutal. While she has a point, she often comes off as harsh and antagonistic. So... there's one character in a depressive funk that, while relatable, is not very fun to read about, and the other is a sarcastic and angry character criticizing everything he does. I found it difficult to really connect with the leads or the story because of this. At first. Boy am I glad I stuck with this one. Despite my early struggles, this book is one of those rare gems that not only gets better over time, but completely redeems and justifies early "flaws". While there's multiple reasons for this, the simplest and most notable is catharsis. (Holy hell is this book cathartic to read). A Choir of Lies is at its core a very optimistic book. One of the central theses is that even the most irredeemable person can do "one little thing" to improve or change the world. It's great to see the characters bite the bullet, overcome their issues, and improve as people. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, more "you have to put in the work to do the right thing and become a better person, even if it's an ugly and difficult process." Of course the first section of the book is tough -- it’s meant to be! The contrast is beautiful as you progress further in the novel. Ylfing makes a terrible mistake in the book that potentially ruins thousands of people’s lives, and he's so caught up in his depression that he cannot or will not take responsibility. Yet after a revelation or two, he realizes he HAS to do something about it, and fights tooth and nail to do so. It's such a departure from A Conspiracy of Truths, in which the main character is caught in an unfortunate situation and does everything he can to save himself, everyone else be damned. It's interesting to see the previous book through a different lens, one which portrays the protagonist as an incredibly selfish character rather than someone struggling to survive a bad situation. Chant doesn't appear in this book, but basically everything about him is cast in a much different light. For me Mistress Chant was difficult to like at first, but she mellows out and entertains alternate points of view as the story progresses. It's satisfying to see her admit that Ylfing is right about some things, and how happy she is when he finally asserts himself and does the right thing. You can see why she and Ylfing don't like each other, but by the end it's bittersweet because you can also see how they could have been friends under other circumstances. I loved the general ideas on storytelling, like the importance of creating a "good" story even if it's not the true one, and how such a process can help one heal and cope. Or even the power of writing a story down versus purely oral tradition, and the strengths and weaknesses of each approach. That kind of stuff. Like the previous book, there's an emphasis on the literal Power of Storytelling and its ability to change fortunes and futures, but with a more grudgingly optimistic take.

It also helps that I read A Choir of Lies at a time when I really needed it. I'm in a similar position to Ylfing right now. I really don't know what to do with my life, and I'm pretty depressed with the state of the world. While it's challenging to see my situation and coping methods as selfish, I think that's an honest assessment and it really made me think about where I am and what I'm doing. On the other hand, there are so many looming disasters right now in the real world that mirror the conflict in this story. Every day I see people do the wrong thing, the selfish and inhumane thing, and it's mentally taxing and demoralizing. Reading a story in which people initially suck, then do what they can to help others and address their mistakes, is inspirational. It's a reminder that people as a whole can still do good despite (and sometimes even because of) their selfishness. It makes me more optimistic about the future. Overall I liked A Choir of Lies much more than A Conspiracy of Truths. It is a standalone sequel that can be read without the previous volume, as most of the context from that book is well explained. While this isn't an action packed fantasy novel, the characters feel much more involved in the central conflict, which was my main issue with the last book. I liked the more cerebral ideas of storytelling, potential, and the ability to do the right thing as told through a fantasy lens. According to the author notes this was a tough one to write, but I think they did an excellent job and really improved on the general idea and concepts of the previous book.

#taylor reads #9/10 #2020 reading challenge

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ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes · 4 years

Text

Dawn in Your Eyes Part 13

Summary: Alfie has little to no idea why Caroline ever gave him the time of day. The blind woman seemed far too sensible to even speak to him. But soon he finds himself falling helplessly in love.

Part 13: It had to happen sooner or later.

Julia had been watching her niece all morning. Something was different. True, the two hadn’t been spending as much time together, not even close to the amount of time they used to spend together when Caroline was still under her care.

Now she was a married woman with her own career within Julia’s business. The older woman couldn’t help but think about how proud her sister would be. If only she could see her daughter flourishing so much. Monica was always distraught about how her little girl would never be able to live a full life with her disability. Of course, Julia could be dismayed about Caroline’s choice of husband. Still, she knew Monica would be so proud. Also, Alfie did nothing but dote on his new wife. He spoiled her far more than Julia ever did, which she wasn’t sure was possible.

Despite the lavish lifestyle, Caroline still worked hard helping Richard and Elizabeth with their charity work. That’s why she was in the offices in Camden instead of being in Kensington. She and Julia needed to go over the proposed numbers for the year.

“Caroline.”

“Hm?”

“Stand up, would you?”

A bit confused, Caroline put a hand on the desk and stood up. “What?”

“Turn to the side.”

“Which side?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Caroline had no clue what her aunt was getting at but turned to the right.

Julia got up and moved closer to make sure she wasn’t just seeing things. She touched her niece’s abdomen to make sure she wasn’t crazy. “Oy,” She slapped a hand to her forehead in disbelief.

“What?” The young woman suddenly became very self-conscious, maybe she’d forgotten to do up a button or her headscarf was coming undone.

“You’re pregnant.”

The shock hit Caroline so hard she let out a hysterical bubble of laughter. “No, no. That’s…” Well, it was possible. She and Alfie weren’t shy around each other. It just felt natural and dammit Alfie made it fun. He never failed to put a smile on her face and often times would make her giggle. Without her sight, Alfie knew she relied a good deal on touch. That’s why he made sure to memorize every little quirk about his wife. A quick nip to her collarbone or tickling her toes made her squirm and laugh.

Now it appeared that their rambunctious behaviors had led to something much less light-hearted. Despite talking about it many times before, it still hit Caroline harder than she expected.

Feeling ten pounds heavier, she slowly sank back into her chair. “Oh…” Things that had just seemed like little nuisances were starting to fall into place. She hadn’t bled regularly, her clothes were feeling a bit snug, and she’d become more sensitive to smells.

Julia had to sit with the news for a moment. She grabbed the edge of the nearest desk and put a hand on her hip. Lifting her chin, she stared at the ceiling and muttered a few Yiddish prayers under her breath. Mostly along the lines of God giving her strength.

Julia’s moment was interrupted by Caroline who had begun to cry. “Everything was going al-alright and now look what I’ve done.” She sniffled with her face in her hands.

“Zeeskeit, don’t cry. Hush now.” Julia knelt down to embrace her niece. “Why the tears?”

“Don’t lie to me, tante, you know I can’t be a good mother.” Caroline resisted her aunt trying to comfort her. "That's just ridiculous to assume, everyone knows it wouldn't work out."

“Why would I lie to you, hey?”

“Because everyone does. Everyone wants to pity me and console me like a child. They pretend I can be normal when they treat me like I’m som-some second-class person that they need to coddle.

“I don’t treat you that way and neither does Alfie.”

“Not you two. Other people…” Caroline wiped her eyes and shook her head.

“Who?” Julia tipped her niece’s chin up when she didn’t respond. “Who, Caroline?”

Her lower lip quivered as the memory of Passover returned to her. The exact words of those awful women were still branded into her brain. No matter what Alfie said, she couldn’t wipe them away. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. No one talks ill about you.” Julia insisted.

Caroline sighed. “I don’t know who it was. They were talking about me. Saying how I would never be a good mother or wife. They assumed that you had paid Alfie to marry me because no one else would.”

Julia scoffed. “Those momzers.” She gritted her teeth because she had an idea of who the two women were that her niece was talking about. There were rumors going around that Julia heard but tried to keep Caroline in the dark about them. “You don’t listen to a word they say, fershtay? They know nothing about you or what you’re capable of. You exceed my expectations every day and for that, I am blessed. And now you and Alfie are blessed with such a wonderful gift. Do not let anyone take that away from you.”

Caroline hiccupped. “It’s a curse. Now Alfie has to worry about a newborn when he already has so much else to worry about!” She cried. "He's busy enough now-now I just. Oh it's all going to fall apart!"

“Don’t ever call your child a curse.” Julia scolded. “That baby is a gift from Him and you ought not question His plan for you.”

She lowered her head in shame. “I’m scared.” She admitted in a sheepish voice.

Julia sighed and carefully tucked a stray piece of Caroline’s hair back in place under her scarf. “That is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a new challenge. But I trust that you will rise to it, just as you do to every challenge you’ve faced in your life. You’re a strong woman who has overcome so much. HaShem has rewarded you.”

Caroline closed her eyes. She wasn’t worried about what God had planned for her. “What if Alfie is upset?”

“Why would he be?”

She just shrugged. Perhaps it was unsubstantiated. Alfie had done nothing but accepted the idea of having children. He assured Caroline that it would be a good thing in their life, not something to avoid. But she couldn’t get over her own doubts that she projected them onto Alfie.

“If he has a problem with it then he can come to me about it,” Julia grumbled. Caroline couldn’t help but laugh softly. “There’s that lovely smile. Now wipe your tears and I’ll walk you over to the bakery.”

“For what?”

“To tell your husband the good news.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Julia let Caroline go into the office alone. She stayed out with Ollie to chat about how his wife and children were doing. Nervously, Caroline knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

The hardened lines in Alfie’s face dissolved the second he saw Caroline enter his office. “Were hoping you were gonna stop by. Julia let you go a little early or are you taking a break?” He asked and stood up to greet her.

“A break, I suppose. I have some news.” She told him after he gave her a quick kiss.

“News, eh?” He pulled up a chair for her and ruffled Pilot’s ears affectionately.

Caroline sat and tried to gather the courage to get the words out. “Julia said…well, I think…we both did.” She exhaled in defeat. “Oh for the love of-I-don’t know how to tell you.”

“Tell me what, love?” Alfie leaned against his desk, reaching for her hand. “You know you can tell me anything, ain’t gonna judge you.”

She swallowed and squeezed his hand for a little bravery. “I uh-I think I’m pregnant.”

Her voice was so soft but Alfie heard the word well enough. Baffled, he let out a low whistle of disbelief. “Pregnant, aye? That’s…well, that’s to be expected.” He chuckled nervously and ran a hand over his beard. Truth be told it was some sort of an enigma that his wife hadn’t ended up pregnant much earlier in their marriage.

“I know but it’s still.” Caroline’s voice caught in her throat. “Oh, it’s just so much, Alfie, I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean, love? Ain’t nothing for you to do ‘cept carry our child. Not saying that’ll be easy. Can’t imagine toting ‘round a babe in my gut for months on end.”

“But-”

“Caroline, we discussed this. I know you want me to be angry and to tell you that you’ll never be a good mother. But I ain’t ever gonna say it ‘cause it ain’t true. I won’t lie to you. Any child would be lucky to have you as a mother.” He insisted. Don’t matter what the rest of the world thinks. We’ll do it our own way and we’ll make it work. You trust me?”

Tears were welling up in Caroline’s eyes again. “Yes.”

“Then trust that I trust you.” He kissed her knuckles. “Be excited. We’ll have our own family soon ‘nough and that makes me unbelievably happy. Can't even describe it to ya.”

She gave a weak, tearful laugh. “I am happy, I’m just so scared.” Her voice shook.

“I am too.” He chuckled and stood her up so he could embrace her tightly. “If you didn’t know, I ain’t ever been a father before.” He kissed her cheek. “But we’ll figure it out together.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took some getting used to, but Caroline accepted the fact that she was pregnant and in a short period of time she would be giving birth. Many times a day she placed her hand on her stomach to feel the slight swell of her abdomen. Almost as if to make sure the baby was still there or to try to feel any movement. However, Julia told her that it was far too early to feel any movement.

Caroline had to come to terms that she didn’t know much about pregnancy or childbirth. Usually, if any of the women in her life discussed the topic, she tuned the conversation out. Perhaps out of spite or avoidance. She always assumed that she would never be a mother because no man would ever want to marry her.

Now that she was expecting, it seemed pressing to know all the little tidbits to look forward to.

Elizabeth was elated when she heard the news. She said she’d make immediate plans for someone to decorate the nursery with everything the baby would need. She also discussed possible names with Caroline, listing off some of the Solomons relatives that had beautiful Jewish names. It was a bit overwhelming but Elizabeth’s reaction made Caroline feel a little more excited.

In fact, everyone who heard the news wished the couple an enthusiastic ‘Mazel Tov’. Yet, Caroline was wary of who knew. Alfie wanted to tell anyone they came in contact with. Getting ahead of himself, he was just thrilled to be a proud father. His wife was more cautious. Not for her safety, but because she didn’t want people gossiping behind her back.

How could they be so reckless to have a child?

How could Caroline ever think she could be a proper mother?

What if the baby came out blind as well?

All, frankly, ridiculous things but Caroline couldn’t shake them. After Passover, she put her guard up when it came to people she didn’t know well. She just assumed they were talking about her when she left the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still, she had enough time to herself to enjoy the early stages of her pregnancy. Not the morning sickness, mind you, but just the simple period of waiting. Often times, when she was alone, she’d talk idly to the child. Just like she mindlessly talked to Pilot when it was just the two of them together.

Sometimes she listed out the names that she was considering just so she could hear how they sounded out loud.

That’s what she was doing one unseasonably warm April night. She was upstairs in their home in Camden. The window was open with the curtains swishing back and forth in the warm breeze. The street outside was quiet, only a few people passing by and a car every so often.

Caroline was alone in the flat with Pilot and Apollo. She had sent their maid home, as Alfie was due to be home at any moment. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, a hand over her baby bump. Apollo was curled up on the bed. He’d grown so much in a year but still thought he was a tiny puppy, hardly aware of his long legs. Pilot was sat at Caroline’s feet, his chin resting on her knee.

“Hanna Solomons. Elizabeth said that was Alfie’s mother’s cousin’s name. Or no…was it her sister? Well, that would make it Alfie’s aunt’s name. Now, Elizabeth said her mother’s name was Livna. Livna Solomons. I suppose that’s pretty. Although you could be a boy.” Caroline smiled. “I think Alfie would love to have a boy. Of course, he would love you no matter what.” She chuckled but stopped when she heard a noise from downstairs.

Even Pilot and Apollo perked up. It sounded like footsteps so Caroline called out.

“Alfie? Is that you?”

There was no response. Maybe he hadn’t heard her. Caroline stood up, nudging Pilot to the side and making her way to open the bedroom door.

“Alfie? You home?”

When she didn’t get a response the second time, a hint of dread dropped into her stomach. With the door open, she could definitely tell the noises were footsteps and they were making their way upstairs. “A-Alfie?” She shrunk backward and reached to close the door. Something wasn’t right.

The footsteps reached the landing and began to run at her. It clearly wasn’t her husband as there were multiple people coming after her. So she screamed and hurried to close the door shut. But someone wedged their foot inside to keep it from closing. They shoved forward, knocking Caroline back and forcing the door open.

Pilot jumped up, barking and growling. The massive Newfoundland launched himself at the intruder, teeth bared. Although not technically a trained attack dog, Julia had made sure she gifted her niece with a protective companion just in case.

A man swore and staggered backward when Pilot sunk his teeth into his arm. “Get it off!”

“Just fucking shoot the thing!” Another man snapped.

“No!” Caroline shrieked.

“Shut ‘er up!”

Rough hands grabbed Caroline by the hair, dragging her to her feet. She heard a dull thump and Pilot yipped out in pain.

“Leave him alone, please!” She cried and tried to get to her beloved dog.

“I said, shut ‘er up!” The second man ordered again.

A cloth was placed over Caroline’s mouth to muffle her screams while the butt end of a rifle knocked her on the back of the head, causing her to go limp.

~~~~~~~

Yiddish/Hebrew:

Zeeskeit: Sweetheart Momzers: Untrustworthy bastards Fershtay: Understand? HaShem: Hebrew name for God, "The name"

Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla @giftofdreams

Tag list: @zazasblogxx @thinkingsofamadwoman @deaflikehawkeye @bellarkebxtch

Masterlist

#alfie solomons #alfie solomonsxoc #alfie solomons x oc #alfie solomons imagine #peaky blinders #peaky blinder imagine #peaky fookin blinders #peaky blinders fanfiction #fanfiction #ofc #oc #blind character #jewish character #cyril solomons

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gigekitanzan · 4 years

Text

"There's nothing wrong with me being gay. There's nothing wrong with me liking men. There's nothing wrong with me being a trans man and liking men. I am not a confused straight girl. There's nothing wrong with liking men, especially not me, or people like me, liking men." Gordie's repeating to himself, as if trying to psych himself up for something. "There's nothing... wrong... with me liking men."

He buries his face in his hands. "Why does it feel like there is!?"

Maybe he can tell another Gym Leader first-- or Sascha, she doesn't know yet-- someone he knows, and trusts-- not Melony, not yet-- he has to tell someone.

It's been eating him up for years. He has to. Not because he feels comfortable doing so-- that's still a far shot, he's afraid information will get around so easily-- but somebody he trusts not to tell has to know. He can't stay silent anymore.

"Rotom, call Sascha." Gordie drops his hands away from his face, watching as Rotom slips out of his pocket.

"You zzzure? You zzzzound strezzed."

"Stressed or not... someone needs to know. Sascha's going to be the first one." Gordie has a steely gaze as he looks at Rotom. "Call Sascha. Or-- just tell her to come over, actually. It'll be easier if she comes over."

"Alright big man, you've got it."

He’s waiting for a good fifteen, twenty minutes maybe. It honestly feels like forever, time moving slower than he’s ever felt before, and with each passing second, Gordie wonders if perhaps he’s made the wrong choice. If he shouldn’t tell Sascha anything-- if maybe, he should have just stayed quiet, and repressed it for another few years.

But… no. It’s been far too long, anyway. If he doesn’t do it now, he’ll just feel worse.

Then again, he feels atrocious right now.

Sascha doesn't even knock on the door-- they already have an agreement that she shouldn't, since if people tend to see Gordie, they'll pass on where he lives to the rest of his fans. She sits silently across from Gordie, leant back on the sofa, yet legs still crossed, as if trying to let go of Melony’s strict house rules. Don’t slouch. Crossing your legs is polite. Always try and show your face to whoever you’re talking to.

The direct opposite of Gordie, at this moment. He’s slouched across the chair he’s on, one hand covering half his face-- mouth included-- trying to avoid eye contact with Sascha. He feels like he can’t even speak, now. Everything’s lost in his head, caught up in desperate “what if’s” and “if only’s”, so far away from what he wants to say. It’ll be a miracle if he even manages to break the silence, and Sascha’s just… patiently waiting for him to.

There’s a solid minute of Gordie just groaning to himself, wishing now that he hadn’t even tried it, that it was just going to end terrible, that Sascha would tell mum and she’d be mad--

I have to let someone know. I have to tell someone--

Gordie looks across to Sascha, hand still firmly placed on his own face, to prevent her from seeing how plain terrified he is to admit this.

“Sasch--” He begins, and again, words fall flat on his tongue. “I-- I gotta tell you something, uh, important.”

“Important… how?”

“Important as in you can’t tell anyone else important!” Gordie snaps out, and Sascha doesn’t even flinch.

“Ah, that kind of secret.” She leans forward in the seat-- reminiscent of Melony, and the way she always seems to look that little bit closer when something’s interesting.

It strikes Gordie the wrong way, but he’s too far gone to even think hard about it.

“I’m-- I--”

Why now? Why can’t I say anything?

Again, Sascha’s silent, watching Gordie with a gaze nowhere near scrutinizing, but the intensity makes his skin crawl. It’s a long, long pause, where he tries to find the right words, fails to, and quietly curses himself once again for bothering.

“Sasch, I’m-- gay.”

There seems to be a pause from her, too. Taking in what Gordie had said, thinking just a little on the implications-- before she nods softly.

“I’m… glad you felt comfortable coming out to me.”

“Comfortable? Sasch, I literally wish I hadn’t said anything.”

“But you did say something, and that’s a start.”

Gordie looks at Sascha almost incredulously. “Huh?”

“I know you hate each other’s guts, but mum always says that coming out’s a personal decision. You come out to whoever you feel comfortable comin’ out to.”

“Mum says what now?”

Sascha visibly lurches. “She-- she hasn’t said that to you? At all?”

“No?!” Gordie pauses a few deafeningly quiet seconds. “Mum’s actually bi?!”

“You thought we were joking about her and Glacia for the fuckin’ giggles of it?”

Gordie looks at the floor, blinking owlishly. All this time, he’d been thinking they’d been making the joke simply because it was… well, almost obvious that Melony had some feelings for Glacia, but he hadn't even thought about the implications of that.

At Gordie's silence, Sascha speaks again. "Gordie, you are having a laugh, right?"

"I-- well, I-- it didn't… I wasn't…"

"No way. There is no way you're not joking. My big brother is not thick--"

"I didn't think about it, okay?!" Gordie's loud, and defensive, as if it'll help him at all.

At the admittance, however, Sascha's expression seems to change. "Gordie… how long have you been holding onto this?" She leans forward a little further, and Gordie lets his face sink further into his hands.

"...ten years." It's mumbled out, and he's hopeful she didn't hear it at all. It sounds stupid, at this point-- not even noticing that mum really was bi, or that Leon and Raihan were most definitely together or… anything. He'd been so caught up in everything that had happened that he barely even thought about it.

How couldn't he have figured it out? He'd watched Leon kiss Raihan, mum had very obviously been flirting with Glacia-- and that time with Milo when we were play-wrestling, and I got him in that triangle choke-- and that's not even getting on the fact that he knows Nessa's dating Sonia, and the fact that Opal already seemed to know from his Gym Challenger days, and he really doubts she'd be unhappy with it, considering her rambling on about the people she's been with before was what made Gordie realize that he really wasn't straight, even if most of that realization came from the fact he couldn't stop thinking about Milo when they were travelling together.

God, why was it all falling into place now?

"You need some time for yourself, big G?"

"N-- uh, no, I, uh…" Gordie mangles his words worse than when Nessa had caught him staring at Milo's ass. "So, uh-- I… how would you… go about telling a good, uh, six-hundred fans maybe, that you're gay, and if they fetishise you, you're gonna like, crush their head like a can of fizzy?"

Sascha frowns. "Oh god, is that what kept you from saying anything?"

"Of course it is, Sasch. I've had enough of getting picked on, I didn't… wanna lose my whole fanclub if I came out." Gordie sits up and slumps over, looking down at the floor once again. "I'm still worried. D'you think they'll hate me? D'you think they'll be disgusting about it?"

"Gordie, I don't wanna discourage you any. You don't have to come out all at once--"

"The media, Sasch. I don't want them knowing until Galar's Major League does, and my fanclub does." God, it makes him shudder to think about; the media already twists the words of everyone in the major league, how bad could it get? What would they say, or do, or make everyone think? "I get what you're saying, but… I have to."

"Start small. Text a few close friends, or call them-- let your Gym Trainers know, they're part of your fanclub, right?-- if you've got a way to contact a large, or small, group of your closest fans, message them."

"Sasch, why are you so damn good at this? Makin' me feel bloody stupid."

"Comes with having to live with mum for years. She's nice and all, but I guess her strictness and… well, the way she thinks, starts getting to you."

"You've no idea how much this means to me, Sascha." Gordie shakes his head slowly-- he's close to crying, really, considering all the things he expected to go wrong haven't gone wrong. "I'll uh, get on messaging my trainers, and…"

"You want to tell mum?" Sascha's voice makes him pause. He'd been thinking about it-- if she was accepting of him being trans, why not gay, too? And she was bi-- so why would it be a big deal, to him?

Because of the argument. They hadn't really been able to maintain a conversation since-- Gordie too overcome with rage, or something of the like, preventing himself from even wanting to stick around and talk with Melony.

But, she's his mother. He can't hide from the fact he wants to talk to her forever.

"I'll tell her. Tonight, probably. I'll come over and… hopefully I won't lose my cool."

Sascha nods softly. "You got it, Gords. I'm sure the triplets'd love to see you."

"Ha… if you're sure." There's a small pause. "Anyway, since you've been putting up with me for the last… half an hour? How about we go to Bob's?"

"Sure, just don't shove everything under the rug about what you're planning, alright? Don't want you to forget to tell everyone."

"I won't forget, Sasch. No chance of it."

#⛰ | This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny (Writing)#((GORDIE COMES OUT FOR REAL ASMR #long post

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prettywordsyouleft · 4 years

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Mistletoe Manor - Part 5

Summary: Christmas is the most important time of year for all those who live within Mistletoe Manor. From the staff to the Hawthorne family themselves, everyone works hard to ensure that the festive season is a success every year! We invite you to see if everyone can pull off another magical Christmas at the manor this year.

Pairing: Park Seo Joon, Bang Yongguk, Brian Kang, Jung Daehyun, Jung Jaehyun, Lee Taeyong and OCs.

Genre: regency au / romance / christmas au

A/N: Becky ( @noona-clock ) and I wanted to create a magical Christmas for everyone and what better way to do that than at Mistletoe Manor! Because of the nature of having several idols, we chose to work with OCs and we hope you love them as much as we do.

Mistletoe Manor will be posted daily at 10am NZST / 4pm EST daily.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

For such an ordeal that it had been to get to this night, the opening of the Winter Festival had gone off without a single issue. And as Cassie walked around with Evie and Joey, she couldn’t stop smiling.

Everyone looked so happy.

This was what Christmas was all about for the Hawthorne’s. All the long hours had paid off to see those who made this area of land prosperous laughing and enjoying themselves. From ice-skating to hot cocoa and sitting on Santa’s knee, the market had something for everyone. It renewed hope that whatever hardships people faced could be overcome with the magic this season possessed.

Cassie was hopeful that even if she had to spend this Christmas without Daehyun, she would continue to smile just like this.

“Is that Anna and Taeyong holding hands over there?” Evie questioned and Cassie grinned as Joey clapped her own hands together.

“It’s truly about time they realised there was more to their arguing.”

“Do you think they won’t bicker so much anymore then?” Cassie wondered and the sisters watched on as Taeyong attempted to show Anna how to skate. She was soon frustrated and pushed him away. They couldn’t help but chuckle, some things never changed.

Cassie then spotted Jaehyun and Grace trying out handmade treats together and not far behind them was Lydia and Seo Joon. Her smile grew as their hands inched closer to one another inconspicuously. She hoped that in the New Year these couples – or those not yet together – would be proudly showing off their affections for one another.

“Do you think there is any hope for me to find love this Christmas?” Evie suddenly asked, and each sister on her side turned to look at her curiously. Evie blushed. “Just a thought!”

“I hope you both get what you want this Christmas,” Cassie encouraged and Joey let out a snort.

“It would take a special type of man to match me. I don’t have a desirable disposition.”

“Nonsense, someone will rise to the challenge!”

“Or die trying,” Evie added on, laughing with her older sister as Joey pouted.

“I pray Daehyun is back in time too,” Joey mentioned a moment later, eyeing Cassie cautiously.

Cassie waved her hands around herself. “I’m fine; please do not look at me waiting to see if I will cry again. I am done crying over it. I am his wife and he has to come back at some point.”

“Yes, but you love Christmas.”

“And he loves you.”

“How do you know that he does?” she questioned the pair and Evie shrugged whilst Joey inspected her nails. “Say, even if he loves me most ardently, it doesn’t mean he will magically appear for Christmas. He is serving our King and that has to come first.”

“Well, he has twenty-nine days to make it back in time and finally put you first. Anything could happen between now and then.”

December began and the manor was livelier than ever. Grace’s parents had arrived, much had other relatives. Cassie spent her days trying to get her own pursuits fulfilled or spent time with her sisters and Grace, before taking part in fancy dinners and get-togethers in the evening. There was an element to every Christmas she always seemed to forget until the jolly season was upon them.

It was utterly exhausting.

Still, on the fifth day of December, she rose to the sound of hooves upon the driveway. With the five inches of snow already settled upon the ground outside, using cars had been suspended until the roads were clear. And knowing all the expected guests, bar Daehyun and his company, were already lodged here at the manor, she sprung from her bed, dashing over to shift the drapes aside anxiously.

Her hopes were dashed when it was just the Vicar from the village stopping by to meet with her father.

Climbing back into her bed, Cassie thumped at the bedding in a very unladylike manner. A brief giggle from the doorway alerted her that this moment had not gone unwitnessed. Lydia grinned as she made her way to the bed. “My Lady, are we feeling alright?”

“Quite.”

“Well then, shall we prepare for your day? I am afraid it is another one that will keep you busy.”

“I shall rest for a month after December leaves us,” Cassie offered dramatically, heaving herself up and preparing for the day ahead.

She spent time reading with Evie and Grace in the library, sewing with her Mother and Joey in the parlour and played a game of cards with Lydia and Seo Joon when she was meant to be upstairs attending another dreadfully boring family meeting.

Seo Joon shot her a look. “This headache you claim to have is not preventing you from winning yet again, My Lady.”

“Perhaps it improves my skills greatly.”

“Actually Seo Joon, you’re just not the best at card games.”

“What?” the man questioned Lydia’s admission, his mouth falling apart incredulously. “Must I show you of my worth?”

“Will you be able to beat Cassie at all today?” Lydia wondered with an airy laugh.

“Just you wait; I will ensure you never utter such words about me again!”

“But not right now, I’m afraid.” Glancing up at Taeyong’s stricken expression, he came over to Cassie’s side. “Your mother just came to check on you and found you were not in your bed resting as you proclaimed. I told her that I saw you walking down to the conservatory, and so-”

“Of course, I must go.” Standing up, Cassie then smiled at her friends. “I task Lydia with the opportunity to challenge you instead, Seo Joon.”

“I accept!” Seo Joon replied heartedly, sweeping the cards up as his mood increased.

Whilst Cassie’s decreased. Thanking Taeyong for his help, she slipped into the main room, weakly taking hold of Grace’s hand. “Did I miss anything?”

“Nothing of importance. Aunt Jane has been projecting something of a song for about twenty minutes now.”

“That long?!” Cassie whispered, aghast. “Last year someone stopped her after ten.”

“It appears she is quite the force this year, sister,” Evie lamented and the girls all sighed in unison.

After another hour of family time, Cassie was released to freshen up for dinner, frowning when she heard a carriage out on the driveway again. She chastised her need to check out the window and yet she made her way there, realising guests from within town would be arriving for dinner.

She told herself to stop hoping her Christmas miracle would come true tonight.

Cassie focused on smiling more. She didn’t wish for the questions to come from nosy relatives of why she felt particularly disheartened today and so she put on a brave face and actively threw herself into conversation with her cousin Severus about his recent purchase of some run-down estate up north. She nodded when she needed to and she laughed at the right times, Severus none the wiser that Cassie was completely bored.

And thankfully, Grace came to her aid, rescuing her with an excuse to need to stretch her legs with a companion.

“You miss him tonight, don’t you?”

“How do you miss someone you barely spent time with?” Cassie wondered, still nodding in answer. “It is odd, today I felt as if he would arrive.”

“Maybe he will, there is still time, the night is young,” her cousin encouraged and Cassie smiled at Grace.

“Where will I be in this world if I did not have you to make me hopeful?”

“Perhaps in the arms of a man who has waited almost a year to take you back within them?”

Turning hastily, Cassie gasped, her knees growing weak at the person before her. He caught her just in time and smiled broadly. “Why, you even fall at my feet! I did not expect that until some time into our relationship, Cassandra.”

“Daehyun.”

“Oh you have other companions with you,” Grace announced, moving away from the pair staring at one another longingly. “Earl Yongguk is it? And who might you be? Come with me, surely you must be famished from your travels.”

Cassie slowly smiled, lifting a hand up to his face. Daehyun grinned when she became delighted, laughing with her. “I am here.”

“I half expect this to be a dream, I’ll have you know.”

“Shall I go back out the door and then come in again?” he suggested and she shook her head, gripping him tighter.

“I fear if you go out again, I will have to wait another year to see you.”

“So you did miss me!” Her cheeks coloured and Daehyun caressed them tenderly. “So beautiful.”

“What is?”

“You.”

“I was concerned that your words would just be that, words,” she admitted, taking his hand and leading him over to the library, shutting the door behind them. Once seated on a chaise, she soaked him in quietly. “It feels those words make this moment easier for us both.”

“I did worry you would be less inclined to take my hand once I was back,” Daehyun told her and she instantly took it in hers, making him laugh, his smile brighter than any she had ever seen. “It appears my wife is just as enchanted as I.”

“We do have a lot to learn about each other,” Cassie pointed out and Daehyun nodded. “However, I am all too pleased to see you.”

“Not as much as I am.”

“You made it back in time for Christmas,” she murmured, taking his cheek in her hand again. It amazed her by how natural this felt to do. And she giggled when he nuzzled into her hand affectionately. “Thank you.”

“You waited so long for me; I was not prepared to miss spending this time of year with you.”

“Just like last year?” Daehyun chuckled, taking her hand from his cheek and burying it into his chest. “Last year, we barely spoke to one another. Did you not wish to marry me?”

“No, I did not,” she answered and his hand faltered on hers. Cassie then smiled. “But I am relieved I did.”

“I wanted to marry you as soon as I saw you,” Daehyun expressed, surprising his wife. “You were exactly who I dreamed of marrying. Someone who had a mind of her own, who was intelligent and caring. You were so selfless whenever I watched over you. I wanted to offer you the world.”

“I never knew you felt this way.”

Daehyun nodded. “Because you would barely stop to have time for me. I did not wish to intrude.”

“I thought you were standoffish because of the arrangement.”

“I was enamoured by your beauty.”

Cassie attempted to settle her emotions, her lip wobbling as she asked, “And now?”

“Now I want to kiss my wife that I have missed since the day I left her behind. May I?”

“Will you ask every time?” she wondered, her mouth now hovering around his.

“I hope in time, I can just kiss you without my heart thudding and giving me away like this.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t be, I already gave you my heart,” she told him as she pressed her lips to his, her mind and soul soaring. This is what she had always dreamed of. The prince of her fairytales was right before her, holding onto her as he kissed her passionately, months lost between them to establish such a physical love.

And yet, had it not been for their separation, for all the letters, Cassie was unsure if she would have reached such an easy conclusion that she loved Daehyun as much as she already did. She was grateful for the lessons she learned, and the time to grow and fall in love with the man she had married at the start of the year. She was also excited for where their future would carry them, and what her life could amount to. Until then, it was Christmas time and she had received her present early. Cassie was certain this year the festive season would be her favourite so far.

“I am sorry I was late, I wanted to be here for your festival,” Daehyun murmured when he pulled back and Cassie shook her head, dismissing his claim with a smile.

“You were right on time, my love.”

_________________

Part 6

[Christmas 2019 Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

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durtyfuneral · 4 years

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I feel like I’ve lacked writing anything on here for some time now and I’d just like to say that so far, things are going okay mentally. I think after spending almost 2 years working my way up challenging myself to; not focusing on past pains, traveling, visiting the place where I had left my old self, spending time with friends, and over all try to live healthier has really changed everything inside this head of mine. I feel like I walk with a lighter step, with less weight on my shoulders, with a deeper appreciation for life and the idea “When going through hell, keep going!” Even when I felt like the world was better off without me or it was too hard to go on... that push led me to this point. I made mistakes, hit rockbottom a few times and hurt some people I cared about by mistakenly thinking I was protecting them. I’ve even had loved ones walk out of my life with no explanation which in turn left me with a gaping hole of pain and anger in my heart. Lately I’ve found myself reminding myself that it’s now over, it has been over. Even if it’s feels like I’m right back there from the beginning. This new way of thinking has shaped my daily life and that pain is not really a part of me anymore, it’s just something that happened once upon a time. The notion of saying anxiety or sadness is a part of me doesn’t run true anymore. I experience it, acknowledge it and work to make it pass and I do so everyday just as naturally as I would making breakfast or brushing my teeth. It has become a part of my day simply as something that is and not something that destroys. I once wished for closure, I wished for a simple apology, I begged to feel as though I was more than what my abusers made me feel... nothing. But I’ve had to come to the realization that those things will never happen. I’ve had to learn to to live with these pains and unanswered crys. And that’s ok. I’m filling my life with things that excite me and people who stimulate my mind. It’s overwhelmingly beautiful and I can’t even begin to express the sheer relief I am overcome with at finally reaching this point. I feel strangely okay with life and myself and where I stand. Although some days something triggers me and tears me up I still manage it well. I’m excited to spend all my time making art and visiting new places and sharing and listening to music and watching films and eating good food and dreaming and walking and running and nature and just about everything because life doesn’t last forever, I guess what I’m saying is that I lost my first chance so I might as well make the most out of my second one...

Sorry for all the typos. I wrote this wide awake in bed at 2am

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butterflydm · 5 years

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The Untamed | Chen Qing Ling | Mo Dao Zu Shi

Continue to Rewatch posts: Episode 1 | Index

I am officially finished with all fifty episodes of the live-action drama version of Mo Dao Zu Shi and having finished it, I now immediately want to experience the story all over again. There were twists (some I accidentally spoiled myself over the course of my first viewing and others that stayed surprises) that will definitely affect the way I feel when rewatching, and I suspect the emotional character and relationship work will be even more impressive on a rewatch. …also, I’m gonna watch it on viki.com next time instead of the Tencent youtube channel, because I hear that viki has better (less awkward?) translations.

Non-spoilery summary: Chaotic bisexual disaster dies in the first five minutes of the show but then the story really begins when he gets resurrected years later. It’s a love story amidst a backdrop of magic and politics and family and mystery. The love story itself is one of my favorite kinds — between two people who share a similar moral foundation but express it in very different ways. The love story is… technically (?) subtext due to very real censorship concerns but, um. It’s more than emotionally satisfying. It’s epic and tender and funny and sweet and heartbreaking and ultimately rewarding. I feel emotionally healed by this story in ways that I really needed.

Vaguely spoilery warning: There is a flashback that literally lasts just about thirty episodes (this is not a typo). So, if you feel like that might be confusing or strange for your viewing experience, start at episode three. When you get to the part mentioned at the start of the other summary, go watch the first two episodes. I actually went back and rewatched the first two episodes about halfway through the flashback episodes and it was already a whole new experience at that point. I imagine it will be even more so when I rewatch again now having seen the whole show.

Spoilery glee under the read more (this is all specific to the live-action drama, as I haven’t read the original or watched the other version yet).

An Incomplete List of Things I Loved:

The love story, of course. I was very impressed with how honest and emotional and deep it was. The heartbreak we see Lan Zhan suffer during Wei Ying’s downward spiral and then his death brought me to tears on multiple occasions. But the story also made me smile and cover my mouth with my hands because I was giggling over how sweet it all was. It’s a love story with so many dimensions — a schoolboy crush, a growing admiration, deep fear and concern, heartbreak, and then the incredible softness and joy of getting back a love feared lost forever.

Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian. Wow. Honestly, he’s gonna end up on my list of favorite fictional characters ever, I feel like. Seeing his journey was heartbreaking and then heart-healing. Redemptive death is a subject that I am personally not as interested in exploring, so having this story begin at the death and then BRING HIM BACK to actually deal with everything that his choices created make it a very compelling story for me. And one that dealt with trauma and revenge and morality in complex ways.

Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji. What is this literal angel from the heavens we have been gifted with here. Just. He is. so wonderful. And he gets some great character development and I’m very impressed with the tiny expressions that say so much. Joking aside, he’s not perfect, and that’s part of why he’s such a great character. He has his public face that covers up his private feelings, and his public face is stone (one of the Jades of Lan) but he has so much intense emotion whirring around underneath. He’s incredibly controlled, which is both good and bad. He grows in reaction to adversity, and we also see how deeply his grief has marked him in the future. Lan Zhan after Wei Ying’s resurrection is so incredibly soft with Wei Ying pretty much at all times? He’s gotten the most amazing gift in the world, after all, and he is gonna fucking treasure it. And so much of his stoicism comes from having a difficult time finding the right words, not from any kind of arrogance on his part.

The family relationships, both good and bad. The brothers Lan. The three Jiangs. The Nie brothers. THE WEN SIBS (my heart, please take it). The destructive fallout that Jin Guangshan caused by being a cheating dickhole.

Going back to WWX for a moment (I Really Love Him) — specifically the exploration of trauma and how it has the potential to create horrible people and how to avoid that. Because there are a lot of similarities between WWX and several antagonists — all of whom put on a slightly different version of false face to distract from the complexities underneath. Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao aren’t born into privilege, they fight to become more than what they were born to be. The question of revenge and what we owe to the people who lift us up — another good example is not the main Wen villains but Wen Zhuliu, whose morality WWX directly confronts and challenges. When Wen Zhuliu says he kills in order to honor the promotion/trust given to him by the Wens, WWX points out that he’s sacrificing other people for his honor. And this is the biggest difference, of course, between WWX and the antagonists — WWX also ‘owes’ the Jiangs for taking him in, but he doesn’t murder innocent people for that, instead he does things like sacrificing his golden core. WWX has a sense of perspective, not taking fifty lives in exchange for a crushed finger like Xue Yang does. And he doesn’t murder other people to cover up his mistakes like Jin Guangyao does. One of the heartbreaking things about WWX after his time in the burial mounds is how clearly traumatized he is, yet how much he tries to cover up that trauma by playacting as the Wei Ying that he used to be. The smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes anymore. Flinching away from Nie Huaisang touching his shoulder. He’s damaged and only the people paying the most attention to his mental state (Jiang Yanli and Lan Zhan) really notice how bad it is but neither of them are able to do more than soothe him in the moment. It’s so painful to watch.

Wen Yuan | Lan Sizhui. All the junior disciples are darlings but omg his story touched me so much. Because one of the heartrending things that WWX is experiencing before he dies is that all his sacrifices for the Wen survivors appear to have come to nothing. He sees their dead bodies; hears their deaths being talked about with glee. For this child to have survived means his time as the Yiling Patriarch was NOT in vain. He wasn’t able to save most of them, but he (and Lan Zhan) saved this child, who we get to see as a nearly-grown young man and he is a sweetheart of a boy. Seeing him reconnect with Wen Ning and then WWX was… very emotional.

Complex morality in terms of what love means. This is a topic that is only briefly touched on verbally but resonates throughout the story, because, both Wei Ying and Lan Zhan do, at various points, see love as something that cages (though from opposing perspectives). The story of Lan Zhan’s mother, locked away by his father; Wei Ying worrying that love would be a yoke around his neck. This is something they both worry at and struggle over at various points. Is love a leash? Is it love to put your beloved in a cage, no matter how golden? How do you prevent your love from becoming a suffocating and controlling thing? Lan Zhan talks about this with his brother, Lan Xichen, describing his affection for Wei Ying in the only terms he ever saw as an example for love — that he wants to bring Wei Ying home and hide him away. That’s the struggle he goes through during the years of Wei Ying’s darkest emotional times. Lan Zhan can see that things are bad (though Wei Ying never admits it until after his resurrection, when they go back to the burial mounds and he says how hard those years were for him and the Wens) but he doesn’t have a toolkit to address the problem in a way that would be acceptable to Wei Ying. This is something Lan Zhan takes HUGE steps to overcome once Wei Ying is back. Like i mentioned above, he is So Soft. He has regrets and now this most painful regret is something he has the chance to address and fix. To make his love into a partnership instead of a cage (and they make such good partners!). In terms of this specific theme (and I don’t know how important it is in the book, relatively speaking), the temporary separation of the characters at the almost-end of the last episode really worked for me. Lan Xichen was shellshocked after what happened with Jin Guangyao, and there was a reaction shot of Lan Zhan looking at him that made me go “oh, yeah, he needs to take care of some things on the home front” and I think he also needed to prove to himself that he was capable of letting Wei Ying go, to prove to himself he’s not his father. Because his father abandoned all his sect responsibilities to seclude himself inside his… idea of love. So, in terms of the themes the show leaned on, I liked that separation with the promise of reunion. And then the last shot of the series, which brings that promise to life.

Overall, the story feels very compassionate. It wants you to love the majority of the characters and it sympathizes with the audience’s pain when those characters suffer. It rewards deeper thought. It rewards the viewer for caring about the characters, which is something I’ve really needed this year specifically, when it feels like so many shows have been punishing their audience for caring about the characters.

One last thing (there are tons of other amazing parts! But this is the last for right now): I have such a complicated love for Wei Ying in episode 32, specifically when he calls out the sect leaders on their hypocrisy in coveting his power while condemning him for creating it. Everything about his scene on the rooftop breaks my heart — he’s laughing and crying at the same time and he almost looks like a corpse himself, pale skin and purple lips. Everything about him screams that he’s on the knife’s edge of just fucking losing it over all the trauma he’s suffered and how lonely and scared he feels. It’s a stunning performance.

Continue to Rewatch posts: Episode 1 | Index

#wangxian #the untamed | chen qing ling #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #wei wuxian | wei ying #lan wangji | lan zhan #long post #text post #i have seen all the episodes of the drama but only once #except for the first two which i watched again part of the way into the flashbacks #once i felt like i would have a better grasp of the characters #the show has some things are not perfect #but this post is about how the show made me feel overall at the end #which was very positive #anyway if there are any factual errors i apologize!#and i loved so many more characters than just the ones i mentioned here!#mdzs meta #adding that tag so it will show up when i do personal tag searches in my own blog

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kaspbraktm-arc · 4 years

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Okay, I looked up more on the white rabbit symbolism right?? And, decided to go off on like a 1.5k word rant about this bullshit. Let me say, this probably makes no sense to anyone but me but here we go!

Just for starters, this is the image of the rabbit I am referencing:

Okay, so according to this website the symbolisms are: letting go and purifty fears; a time to have more fun with life; mark an initiation of returning; and a short turn-around. Obviously, some make more sense to eddie than others. If we look past the fact that myra definitely put them there to help them have kids - which sadly won’t happen whether eddie was straight or not - there’s those little things which are listed above.

Lets discuss the first one -- the whole letting go of fears bullshit. That much is expected when it comes to eddie. That’s the whole fucking premise of the book/movie, you know? Eddie needs to let go of everything that had hold of him in his life. Needs to take that fear of basically everything that could possibly kill him and drop kick it into the next dimension. It also mentions purifying fears. This one hits a little different and here is why:

Fading, fading back. Becoming clearer and clearer, emptying out, all of the impurities flowing out of him so he could become clear, so that the light could flow through, and if he had had time enough he could have preached on this, he could have sermonized: Not bad, he would begin. This is not bad at all. But there was something else he had to say first.

Of course, we don’t get this in the movie but that’s why this bitch is multi-media based, lads. The website - if you hadn’t clicked the link to make this easier for yourself, mentions that “when you release fears, you often end up with what is left - your true self”. Of course, Eddie died before he got to live as his true self but i feel like it’s something that relates to all the losers. I like to think that the little glimpse we got, the infamous scene here:

“Don’t call me Eds,” he said, and smiled. He raised his left hand slowly and touched Richie’s cheek. Richie was crying. “You know I . . . I . . .” Eddie closed his eyes, thinking how to finish, and while he was still thinking it over he died.

is the closest we get to seeing Eddie’s true self in his last moments, after releasing his fears. Of course, we’ll never know what he actually wanted to say but we can always hope it was one of the bravest things he could say.

I’m skipping the second point because I personally can not link it entirely to Eddie - although there is some truth in younger and older Eddie leaning into the curiousity Derry brings. However, the third point is very significant - marking the initiation of returning. The rabbit seems to have this overall meaning of being ones true self, or becoming ones true self, and this returning symbolism references that. Eddie has to go back to Derry, right? He has to help and face these fears that he had partially forgotten about. It’s no mystery that Eddie after leaving Derry was nothing but a puppet to both Sonia and Myra. They planned out his life, chose which way it went and that’s incredibly in character for him to let that happen. That’s how Eddie naturally responds to all this, however it’s not his true self. As seen in the book, when Eddie is brave and confident he is not one to let other’s walk all over him. He breaks his arm, gets a sliver of bravery and stands up this own mother - and, know, we don’t support gazebos on this blog - basically gaining some control.

But a strange thing happened; a terrible thing, really. Eddie’s eyes seemed to . . . to grow, somehow. The flecks of gray in them seemed actually to be moving, like racing stormclouds. She became aware suddenly that he was not “in a snit,” or “having a poopie,” or any of those things. He was furious with her . . . and Sonia was suddenly scared, because something more than her son seemed to be in this room. She dropped her eyes and fumbled her purse open. She began searching for a Kleenex.

He takes that moment and uses everything she had taught him to use against her. Eddie Kaspbrak gains control and manipulates his mother back. Comes to some deal on promising to keep on his medication as long as she leaves his friends alone.

But in the end she said nothing. Her fright was too great. “But maybe we don’t even have to talk about it,” Eddie went on. “Mr. Keene might have been joking with me. Sometimes grownups . . . you know, they like to play jokes on kids. Because kids believe almost anything. It’s mean to do that to kids, but sometimes grownups do it.” “Yes,” Sonia Kaspbrak said eagerly. “They like to joke and sometimes they’re stupid . . . mean . . . and . . . and . . .” “So I’ll kind of keep an eye out for Bill and the rest of my friends,” Eddie said, “and keep right on using my asthma medicine. That’s probably best, don’t you think?”

Eddie is quite a confident kid; he’s opinionated and loud, cocky at times, nothing to how he is when he’s with his mother or his wife. However, I’m off track. The point of this is that it shows that Eddie has to go back to Derry - much like the rest of the losers. He has to return to bring that back. To gain that sense of himself.

It also mentions overcoming patterns. And, we all know that Eddie is stuck in a pattern of abuse. He is trapped in the repetitive cycles of emotional and mental manipulation - leaving to Derry allows him to escape that. Even before he’s out the door, the change is there. Eddie does something he rarely does which is stand up to Myra. And, yes, I know that I’m taking this one object from the second movie to rabbit on about this - pardon the pun - but let me stretch this a little and remind y’all that eddie is a rabbity faced looking man. That’s a massive stretch I know but let me have it. Anyways, the website also says this “the white rabbit Spirit Animal helps you step into the spiral of returning... to return to your true essence, what is one thing that would bring you health and vitality? Take a break and do that now”. Basically, it means that Eddie returning is good in terms of him returning to the person he should be, not the person he pretends to be.

The final point relates to evolving and becoming more alert - the short turn-around. It mentions that a rabbits life is short and so changes in a person life are as quick as the gestation period of a rabbit. And, along with this, rabbits usually have multiple litters and so it suggests that the changes and growth which the character experiences are rapid and expansive. There is no break. Which, in relation to what Eddie - and the other losers - have to go through, is very fitting. In the return to Derry, there isn’t really a time to sit and go over anything that’s happening, everything is done within a couple of days. However, these changes are just as significant as they are rapid. Eddie recovers memories and moments that he had once forgot. And, he has to take those in while having to keep alert and ready for whatever is thrown at him next. From being frightened in The Jade, to being attacked in his room at the Inn, to the multiple run ins with Pennywise, it’s constant. And, although these things are terrifying and hard to deal with, Eddie has to keep going as these challenges are allowing him to become what he should be and always should have been, which is brave.

Looking at all this, and also this line towards the bottom of the page: one thing I learned from caring for white rabbits is that they are also vocal and speak up for themselves when necessary. The white rabbit seems to be something that is very symbolic to Eddie personally - it could also be aligned to the other losers in certain ways, however, with everything together it is something that really describes Eddie and his situation very clearly.

#sorry to anyone who actually sits and reads this #ᴛᴀɢɢᴇᴅ 🚂 meta #ᴛᴀɢɢᴇᴅ 🚂 out of character

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lostberryqueen · 5 years

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OITNB Season 7 (Warning: Contains Spoilers)

So, there were a lot of strong parts of season 7. I cried more than I think I did with any other season. The writers were able to make pretty much every character someone the audience cares deeply about--and that’s oitnb at its strongest. However, when I got to the end of the season, and the final orange image showed, I personally, was very pissed off.

Alex and Piper have pretty much been a done deal since season 5. While it is understandable to scare viewers throughout the middle of the season, the last episode was designed to make viewers think Piper and Alex were going to split, right until the ending where they give you a 2 second scene telling you this is not the case. I think the viewer is supposed to feel overjoyed that Alex and Piper ended up together. Obviously Alex and Piper ending up together is a good thing, and there were some really strong moments this season where they learned how to overcome the difficulties in their relationship--but a 2 second scene of them together is all we get?? I mean, we were basically unofficially-officially promised an epilogue where we would see them living together and happy. Even if the writers didn’t want to do that--couldn’t they at least have given us a 5 or 4 or even 3 minute scene with them a the end? Piper and Alex are the biggest romantic arc on the show, Piper is the main character, we’re never going to see these characters again, and all they give us for an ending is a 2 second scene?

Larry fucking Bloom got a super long scene where he got to tell Piper who he thought she was. It was like closure for Larry was more important than closure for (arguably) the most important relationship on the show. If there’s time for Larry (and an incredibly unrealistic Luschek redemption) why isn’t there more time for the two leading ladies?

Now, on to what Orange, did well. Definitely Taystee, Cindy, and Suzanne’s plotlines. I mean, I was sobbing so hard after Pennsatucky died--but I realized it wasn’t for her (at least--mostly not for her), it was for what Taystee was going through. I felt really bad for being relieved that Tiffany died and not Taystee--because I do actually like and care about both characters. Those scenes where it seemed like Taystee was going to kill herself were so intense--and the fact that she didn’t is really empowering. That was the kind of plot twist that worked. And Taystee telling Cindy’s daughter the truth as revenge was a good plotline as well, because Cindy’s daughter needed to know the truth. Even though it wrecked things at first, I think it was a really important step in healing.

The immigration court scenes were super powerful. The pigeon was the perfect metaphor for racism--doves and pigeons are the same thing, it’s just that pigeons have more colorful feathers and a lot of people treat them like shit.

Orange didn’t shy away from shit and pain and controversial topics. Where Orange is usually strong it was strongest this season, and where Orange is usually weak, it was fairly weak this season.

Here’s how I would rate it:

Deep plotlines other than Alex and Piper: 10/10

The Cry Meter: 11/10

Doesn’t Have Too Much Larry: 3/10

Doesn’t Focus Unnecessarily on Male Redemption Instead of Focusing on More Important Female Character Arcs: 5/10

Alex and Piper flashback scenes: 1/10

Alex Vause flashback scenes: 8/10 (I’m a little conflicted about this rating because I did feel like the flashbacks showed her relationship struggles in a way that revealed new information about her character--she actually did try to help “fix” her girlfriend Sylvie, but her motivation for fixing her was probably mostly control. Alex substitutes control for intimacy. I also really liked knowing that Alex and Sylvie were sort of on a break when Alex met Piper, so she wasn’t entirely cheating on her. It also shows how Piper was different from her other girlfriends. She loved Piper, wanted to be with her--and it was about more than just control, or “fixing” someone. It’s like Alex said herself: “Piper was different.” The reason why I am conflicted about this rating though is because I feel like the show never really gave us enough of Alex’s backstory, and so to focus on scenes where some of them almost overlap with scenes we’ve already seen--it really just felt like they could have added something new as well.)

Amount of Piper screen time: 10/10 (I suspect a lot of people will disagree with this rating. Piper is my favorite character, and she’s also the main character. While I do really like hearing other storylines, I really hated how previous seasons reduced her time so much that she was barely present.)

Alex and Piper relationship development: 10/10 (This entire season every time Alex or Piper were with another person (romantically or sexually) it was just so so wrong. I’m not someone against polyamory or anything, but with Alex and Piper, seeing them with other people just showed me even more how much they are just completely meant to be together. They’re not meant to be with someone else. They’re twin flames--not soul mates. They’re not part of the same soul family, they are two halves of one soul.

Alex and Piper concluding scene: 3/10 (It needed to be longer!!)

Some closing thoughts:

I’m pretty conflicted about the Red plotline. On the one hand, it showed vividly the devastating effect that solitary confinement has on the mind. It gave a backstory to all of those older women in Florida--because it makes the viewer think about how all of them were vibrant and sharp one day, and now they have faded. On the other hand, Red is a powerful middle-aged female character that was just stripped of her power--stripped of her mind and thrown away. Her storyline was super emotional, but I can’t help but wish they had given it to Frieda instead, and allowed Red and Nicky to have a happier ending to their story.

I also have conflicting feelings about the Tiffany and Morello storylines. Both of these characters are neurodivergent, and both of them had empowering storylines that ended in tragedy. I think it would have been better if Tiffany had seemed dead but had not actually been dead--Taystee and her could have then had a deep conversation afterwards, and it would have had a similar effect on Taystee’s storyline. Morello’s storyline was about a mentally challenged woman who overcame her obsession and found love. The plot twist that she had been stalking Christopher was very powerful--I just wish they hadn’t added anything to her backstory this season. The baby dying and her reaction to the baby dying was realistic--but I do wish they had found a pathway to better health for her. The flashback scenes, in my opinion were farfetched. Morello being responsible for the death of those two people? It just didn’t feel realistic to me.

I want to feel more positively about the Alex and Piper scenes--because it was a truly powerful relationship that the show let us watch. I just can’t help but feel that for the entire series, actually, the show has been using them to lead the viewers on. We never get enough of them. They always cut us off before we get what we want out of it. While that is a good strategy for getting people to continue watching the show, it is completely unnecessary to do in the last season of the show!

The only comforting thought I can come up with is that maybe they will make a movie about Alex and Piper sometime. Then Piper can write her memoir, and we can learn what career Alex got.

If all else fails, there’s always fanfiction.

#oitnb #oitnb7 #oitnb season 7 #orange is the new black #alex vause #piper chapman #nicky nichols #red #taystee #tiffany doggett

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lazuliblade · 4 years

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2019 GPF Men’s FS

So I did actually type most of this up while watching a live stream, but got sidetracked with conversations for a solid two hours after the FS ended, and fell asleep before finishing up. I had to shorten what I wrote for Yuzuru because it got so long and reminiscing. Maybe I’ll post a longer thing later this week when I have time to properly edit a long post. This post is kind of redundant now that everything is over, but I figured I may as well put this up so it doesn’t lay rotting in my drafts. Boyang Jin FS: 160.77 Total Score: 241.44 4Lzfall, 4T2T good, 4T awkward fall, 3AEu3S, ChSq, FCSp4, 3A, 3Lz3T, 3F so light, StSq3, ChSSp4, ChCoSp4 The first few jumps he looked a bit stiff, but as soon as the second half started he really got into it. He was so expressive in the step sequence and the audience was really supportive. It may have only gotten a level 3, but I really liked it. Some of my other favorite moments were: the FCSp4 done to the music transition with the record spin/scratch and strings, and the spin to the ending piano notes which I thought was particularly gorgeously timed. The commentator (Chris) saying about the audience: “they’ve been so supportive of all of the athletes” Dmitri Aliev FS: 131.26 Total Score: 220.04 4Lz, 4T fall, 2Tpop, 3F fall, FCSp2, ChSq1, 3A hand down, 3Lz3T was great on the music, 3LoEu3S, StSq4 beautiful, ChSSp2, ChCoSp fall part-way through. Oh this was so hard to watch. He held on until the end, but my heart hurts. The entry on the 4T was strange and he fell over the back of his heel when he landed. On the 3F fall, he took a long time to get up again and the crowd cheered for him in support - that was wonderful to hear. I wonder if he got injured there? His following flying camel spin kind of just ended like he couldn’t hold it for long. He started to rally back, but then with the final spin he kind of fell part-way through and no base points were given. His face just fell and he looked so resigned. Alexander Samarin FS: 167.51 Total Score: 248.83 4Lz3T, 4F hand down - the axis was so strange in the air, 2Tpop, FCSp4, 3A2T, ChSq1, 3A2T, 3LzRippon, 3Lo, ChSSp4, StSq4, ChCoSp4. The smile on his face was nice during the Step Sequence. I’m still not sure how I feel about this program. It feels like it needs more... something. Not the best skate, but he got through it. The 3Lz was particularly nice. Kevin Aymoz FS: 178.92 Total Score: 275.63 4T3T, 4T had a good landing but then he slipped on the running edge, 3A2T, 3Lo out of turns, ChCSp4, 3A, 3LzEu3S, 3F, ChSq1, FSSp4, ChCoSp3, StSq4 I love how the music starts so tranquil and his skating reflects that, and then it starts to build up into a triumphant sound by the end. Right after the 3Lz combo the music starts to change leading into the 3F, and afterward, he does this great spread eagle and his signature slide across the ice in his ChSq. I loved seeing his large smile along with the music swelling triumphantly. Oh man, his scream when he saw his FS score nearly gave me a heart attack. I looked away during the slow-mo recap to type some of this up, and here I am listening to the announcer calling for the scores when suddenly I hear a scream. They had to turn the mic down in the Kiss&Cry because he and his coach were so exuberant. That was great to see. Yuzuru Hanyu FS: 194.00 Total Score: 291.43 4Lo beautiful, 4Lz gorgeous, FChCoSp4, StSq3, 4S, 3Lz, 4TEu3F<(step-out), 4T2T, 1A(pop), FChSSp4, ChCoSp4 Oh my god that was such a momentous skate to watch. The intensity of it was something else. I’m so proud of him for landing that 4Lz after not being able to put it in for two seasons, and overcoming that mental block. The opening 4Lo was beautiful without the slightest wobble on the landing, the 4S as the third jumping pass had a bit of a lean but he landed it anyway, then came his 3Lz which was interesting to see because it felt like you could see his natural delayed rotation more clearly this time around compared to usual. I wonder if that was a result of having the 4Lz as well? Then the 4TEu3F looked so nice in the air but he had to step out at the end a bit - the tech panel ended up calling the 3F underrotated, too (it didn’t look under in the slow-mo at all....). He did a 4T2T next - he had planned a 4T3T but I think he didn’t have enough energy or he didn’t feel secure enough in the flow to do a 3T - and he popped his last jumping pass from the planned 3A3A sequence into a 1A. But more than the jumps, the entire program felt like he was on an epic, challenging walls and scaling them with grace. I never get tired of the choreographic moments he has everywhere. I was praying so hard at the end that his legs would hold out long enough for the hydroblade, the travelling stars into the camel spin, and for the spins themselves. I’ve seen enough skaters sit or lose balance on a spin to never take them for granted as an easy “he’ll finish with no problems” last element. Heck, there was an example of that earlier in this very event. I couldn’t help laughing with him when he went into his ending pose and couldn’t hold it longer than a split second. He lost balance a beat after the music finished, while the note was still ringing, and ending up partially leaning over before completely bending himself in half to just sit there on the ice. It reminded me so much of 2012 Worlds when he skated so hard his lips turned blue, and 2012 Finlandia and 2013 Worlds when he ended gasping and collapsing on the ice much like today. His first 5-quad program, and he gets through it with quite the fighting spirit. I can’t help remembering how the season after 2014 Sochi Olympics when he wanted to put in 3 quads in the Free, some people thought that that was crazy and lots of people doubted he had the stamina to pull something like that off. Now look at him doing a program packed with content, on top of 5 quads: one being the quad he pioneered (4Lo), one being a jump some people thought he might never bring back (4Lz), one being a quad that people said he should give up on because it just wasn’t going to be his jump (4S), and two quads (4T) in combination. I’m kind of confused about the score, but hmm. I guess he did pop his last 3A-3Asequence jumping pass and that would have given him like 15 points (18 or so if they gave him good GOE?). But even so... Hmmmm. Nathan Chen FS: 224.92 Total Score: 335.30 4F3T, 4Lz, 4TEu3S, ChCSp4, 3A, StSq3, 4S, 4T, 3Lz3T, ChCoSp4, ChSq, FChCoSp4 The jumps felt solid. There was just the slightest wobble on the 3Lz3T, but the rest were clean and solid. After they’re all done, in the last part of the program with the spins and choreo sequence, at least it looks like he’s having some fun. Did he almost trip in the beginning of his choreo sequence? I’ll have to go back and see that again later. Mmmm, I feel like some of the movements in the hip-hop(?) section could be sharper, but the season is only half over. That’s something he can work on going forward. Final Standings: 1st - Nathan Chen 2nd - Yuzuru Hanyu 3rd - Kevin Aymoz

#2019 gpf #figure skating #yuzuru hanyu #nathan chen #boyang jin #dmitri aliev #alexander samarin #kevin aymoz #loquacious laz

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