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villainsandvictimsalliance · 3 years

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U got any shigaraki and deku acting like siblings hcs ? 😁

A. BUNCH. AND THEY ARE ALL YOURS :

*Note: I have a little sister myself, so I know how the sibling culture goes 🙄😈. And oh, we even trained Tae Kwon Do together, so you can included the real fights in the list.

First of all, we're not talking about two calm and collected, perfectly behaved boys.

Let's imagine they keep all for one and one for all, but instead of being like gods, they stay with only two quirks and their power is reduced, and also they can't pass the quirk to another person or steal other quirks any more. They're stuck.

Deku has his superpower and black wip. Tomura has his decaying quirk (under control now) and he can float, just like Nana.

And because they are two stubborn little pricks, they argue all. the. time.

Don't get me wrong, they normally won't react like that with other people. Tomura would let you slap him and he won't even blink. Same with Deku. But as it often happens, no one can push our buttons like our siblings.

That's exactly why, at least once a week, someone needs to interfere in their fights.

I mean the "they're up in the sky fistfighting, kick hitting, swearing like sailors" type.

I'm not promoting violence on here. THIS IS HOW MANY SIBLINGS WORK, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT.

Tomura feels the sudden urge to kick Deku while he's walking down the hall. Deku wants to save his game over Tomura's session because "oops". They like different foods. They argue about if a certain pro-hero is cool or totally useless. Tomura thinks Deku's hair looks like moss and Deku tells him he's like a failed Monster High.

And they fight.

Now, this is a typical case of "no one can insult my brother except me".

No one defends Tomura as much as Deku does. I'm talking about Deku telling to All Might's face he's being a dick and Deku telling Bakugo to shut the fuck up.

And then you have Tomura, former symbol of fear. After redeeming himself, you can bet his favorite new hobby is picking assholes apart via analyzing them and telling them what's wrong with their childhoods and traumas.

That's absolutely not nice of him. But come on, let's talk real. None of them are saints and none of them are where they are because they're nice all the time.

They are what everyone fears compacted in two weirdly buff geniuses. They are nerds and they are awkward and fight over who's asking for the pizza this time, and at the same time they obey no authority but themselves.

Deku is like “if you don't like Tomura, keep that to yourself. It's embarrassing.”

Tomura is like "If can't stand Deku, then kneel before him.”

One is a former villian, the other is an almost villians and the best they can do it's meet in the middle: gray moral characters that, in lack of a better option, created their own side.

Let's change subject to what really matters:

They are annoying.

You can't possibly watch a movie with them. They talk too much, criticize too much, have an entire combo of figuring out the ending in the middle of the movie and they ruin it because they are too smart. They are officially banned from movie nights.

I've say this before, but the amount of inner jokes and references? Heavens save us all.

They can be referring to something nerdish, like a fact you wouldn't know if you weren't well versed on Victorian authors, and the next minute they would be talking in tiktoks and YouTube recommendations at 3am.

Kings of bullshit. They don't have a single clue what they're doing. They're figuring out while it goes. Plan? What plan? They're baffling. If you listen to them for too long, you're gonna lose your mind.

They're also banned from playing scrabble. Tomura always make up words that somehow exists and Deku is a walking dictionary.

When they're alone, they're nice to play with. Deku is a wonderful team mate and friend. Tomura is actually pretty chill and funny.

What the fuck happens when they get together, no one knows. They are like sure of themselves and all that self-confidence turns into chaotic energy. They can just be chilling around or not even talking, but the tension is there, not between them, but to the rest of the room. They could begin their activity at any minute.

Their direct rivals are Aizawa and Bakugo.

It's the only way you can balance the situation. And I'm not talking about fights, I'm talking about the game nights still.

You have the decaying-bunny duo vs the eraser-dynamite duo. This is, and I'm not gonna lie, actually a pretty intense and funny rivaly situation. Everyone needs to pick a side and then they go.

There's another duo that can face the decaying-bunny team, and that's the Todosiblings. The problem is that Shoto and Dabi are half of the time supporting Deku and Tomura on their chaos, and half of the time fighting them.

You have the Voice of Reason team (Spinner and Iida), the Bloody Gravity team (Uraraka and Toga) and the Dadteam (Kurogiri and All Might).

Imagine how intense are Tomura and Deku as siblings that they forced other people into creating teams to fight them. Not because they wanted to, but because people found it necessary.

Oh but boy, you can bet they are also maximum crushes of half the world.

They are the type of celebrities you call assholes when they appear on the news after saving a bunch of people from a natural disaster. They are talking with the reporters and??? They look fresh and smiley, gentle and charming, almost naive, but you're getting distracted because how can they be so handsome???

Misters "I don't know how popular I am" because they're clueless, they don't know how often they break the internet with their online activities.

Their merch is everywhere. They make the money they need just by accepting appearing on ads and commercials or doing cameos on TV shows, music videos, etc.

AND THEY ARE ASSHOLES ONCE MORE??? BECAUSE THEY PLAY WITH THEIR AUDIENCE IN THE CUTEST AND MOST FRUSTRATING WAY POSSIBLE.

“Are you dating someone”, “Oh, am I?”

All I'm saying is that they have an amazing connection. They are best friends and rivals and worst enemies and each other's fans #1.

I love the headcanons of them being cute, a little distanced siblings, but I prefer the cheer chaos of them being really close.

Mostly because I know they could have the type of bond that gets you through the worst times. The type where you don't need to use your words, you can talk with your eyes, just by looking at your brother and you already know what they're thinking.

And this has so many implications. From stupid things like Tomura sitting on a shopping card while Deku buys the things they need for the week, to them both fighting side by side against the worst enemies they could think of.

But those implications are things that I need to study further in future posts. 😉 So don't be afraid to ask for more headcanons about the decaying-bunny duo.

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silima · 2 years

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Hey man I wanted to ask, i am beginner artist and I feel kinda discouraged because i have a smaller acc than I lot of artists, how do you feel like encouraged to draw more stuff about your fandom?(i really love your art and is so inspiring!)

thank u!! first of all, it's awesome that you've decided to start putting yourself out there!! i think motivation can be one of the hardest things to deal with when it comes to making art, & sometimes it feels like u either have it or u don't. but i think it's definitely possible to improve in some ways!

i think the most important rule of trying to motivate urself is, when motivation/inspiration hits you, DON’T WASTE IT. if you think to yourself, “hmm, it would be fun to draw right now… but it would be easier to keep scrolling on my phone” do your best to actually go draw!! i’m not gonna tell u to skip, like, ur homework for art (although i totally do that) bcz u should do ur homework. but when the urge hits u, don’t let it go!! u gotta ride that wave as far as it’ll take you.

obviously sometimes motivation will hit you at times when you’re in a situation where you totally can’t sit down and draw. like it’s 3am and you really should’ve been sleeping 5 hours ago, but u just got a super cool idea for a drawing or a comic or something. if that happens, i’m not saying to actually sit down & draw right then, but you absolutely should write your idea down while the idea is still fresh!! it’s easy to forget small things or even the whole idea if you wait for later. plus, when you revisit what you've written down, you might find yourself having ideas of how you could make it even better.

one thing that’s kind of unfortunate about making art is that, yeah, external motivation is a big part of motivating yourself to make art (at least it is for me). BUT you definitely don’t need to have thousands of followers to get nice feedback on your art. i mean, you could just show it to an irl friend who likes the show/book/etc that you’re drawing for too. hell, you could show it to ur mom

but to put yourself out there online, uhh my advice is to

make art that’s interesting in some way. (character interactions are often more interesting to ppl than solo character art, for one; uhh, comics are super super super fun although i personally felt intimidated by them at first; in general, trying to give ur audience some kind of emotional response to ur art--whether it's "aw so cute" or funny or angsty--is good.)

participate in fandom events (like ship weeks, big bangs, etc). at the very least, ur art gets reblogged to a bigger blog that can get you some exposure. and you might make some friends!

try to connect w/ other content creators—go compliment cool art! send nice asks! make gift art for fanfics u really like!

look for some fandom discords with nice ppl

post ur stuff on multiple social medias

i personally spent like 3 years on tumblr just kinda tossing my art into the void before i actually started gaining a significant amount of followers lol so i’m not exactly a social media guru but i think those are some good places to start.

also, NEVER BE DISCOURAGED BY UR OWN ART!!!!! sometimes it happens when you'll look at ur art and be like "holy bejeezus i suck at art" and like, it's inevitable that it happens occasionally, but u gotta avoid that as much as u possibly can. practice positive self-talk--be like "aw fuck yeah i love how i drew that hair" or smth to yourself. bad self-esteem will kill your motivation & your fun.

(it's worth keeping in mind that oftentimes, if u feel like ur art is "getting worse," that's literally just your eye for art developing and learning to recognize flaws that you're about to fix--a good sign, not a bad one. your hands will catch up to your eyes in time.)

oh and DONT be afraid of posting little sketches or unfinished doodles that arent that fancy...... thats something i struggle with lol i always feel like "if my art isnt perfectly cleaned up and shaded then whats the point :(" but whenever i see someone else's cute little sketch on my dash im always like omg thats so cool. doing this is also good because if you don't feel obligated to put tons and tons of effort into each piece, you'll have an easier time creating lots of art which ultimately helps u improve way faster

lastly i uhhh really strongly recommend against doing that thing that some beginner artists do where you're feeling insecure about your art and, in anticipation that people will hate it, you say something like "haha yeah i know it sucks" in the caption/tags to sort of insulate yourself from criticism. cuz like, most ppl are not little loser bitches who go around insulting random ppl's art, and besides if you do encounter people like that, u can just block em. more importantly, a lot of people do find such captions kind of off-putting/guilt-trippy, so it's bad for growing ur audience, and it's also harmful to you as well, because you're verbalizing your insecurities (& thus intensifying them). just own it. you don't need to apologize for "imperfect" art. it happens, & it's totally okay.

#art advice #hope that helps!#ask #anon

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onceattwice · 4 years

Text

TWICE’s Headcanon: Dating

Request: May I requested dating the girls of TWICE Headcanon, separately please? I really enjoy those and your writing, it’s really good for someone whom just started.

A/N: Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy this one just as much :) I didn’t include an NSFW for each girl because it wasn’t specified but if you would like one, feel free to send in another request!

word count: 6,007

IM NAYEON

she is the sweetest girlfriend ever! she tries her best to be the perfect girlfriend. sometimes, you wonder how you got so lucky.

wakes you up by planting tiny kisses all over your face. she always gets super giggly when she sees your sleepy and confused expression.

she makes you take lots and lots of photos when you guys go on dates. they’re usually photos of her.

although, you aren’t really complaining because now you have a whole album full of pretty candid photos of Nayeon. there are also a handful of funny ones that you use for playful blackmail against her.

you usually end up in the middle of her disagreements with Jeongyeon, big or small. when this happens, she’ll expect you to take her side. when you don’t, she gets pouty and won’t let you touch her until you take her side.

her laugh is absolutely contagious and you really can’t stop yourself from laughing along with her.

Nayeon loves to hit you when she laughs really hard so your shoulder is constantly sore from all her smacking.

she keeps a pack of muscle relaxants in her cupboard just for you. although, you can’t tell if you should be happy that she’s trying to take care of you, or annoyed because your shoulder is always sore, to the point where she feels the need to keep muscle relaxant stickers.

she LOVES physical affection.

when you guys are alone in your room, she becomes a cuddle monster.

she doesn’t mind displaying PDA but will limit it to hand-holding, hugs, and cheek kisses. anything beyond that stays AT HOME!

so many pet names/nicknames! she finds it super cute when couples have pet names and will bother you until you give her one. sometimes her pet names for you will spawn from a funny memory or it’s just something super sweet/basic.

“Can you pass me my water bottle, love?”

lots of hitting and smacking when she hears your pet name for her: bunny. you say it’s because of her teeth but she whines that you're not being original enough and that her fans already call her that.

is your biggest cheerleader in everything. literally will smother you with compliments and praise.

you never doubt how much she loves you. she always makes sure to remind you and is not afraid to show you just how much she loves you.

it’s always out of the blue, sometimes for no apparent reason. you can never pinpoint when she’ll say it next but you appreciate it nonetheless.

tons of back hugs.

sometimes you guys will argue due to her stubborn nature, but she will always apologize if it’s her fault and try to make it up to you. in turn, she expects the same from you.

if you get mad or annoyed at her, she’ll bring out the aegyo. it’ll either be super ridiculous and make you laugh, or super adorable. either way, it always works on you.

matching couple outfits. so many matching outfits.

you swear she has a problem and there have been many instances where you’ve had to physically hold her back from ordering dozens upon dozens of couple outfits.

“But it’s so cute!”

she can be unexpectedly protective of you. whenever you get hurt, she’s the first one by your side. Nayeon can sometimes be overdramatic and will try to call an ambulance when all you did was scrape your knee.

you usually have to calm her down with loads of kisses and reassurance that you’re okay.

can also be super jealous if you get too close with the other members. Sana once crawled onto your lap and Nayeon refused to talk to the both of you for days.

it's not because she’s insecure or doesn’t trust you, it’s just that she likes to have you to herself. she also likes the feeling of seeing a side of you that others cannot.

all you had to do was treat her to a nice dinner date, whereas Sana had to grovel for forgiveness.

she smiles and laughs the most around you. the members all approve of you because they can see that you really do make her happy.

restaurant bills are always split because neither of you will let the other pay. the only solution would be to split 50/50.

she sometimes worries about not spending enough time with you. her job makes it difficult for you guys to meet up often. you have to reassure her that you love her and that you guys have all the time in the universe.

after all, you are each other’s forever.

YOO JEONGYEON

although she’s known for her strong girl crush image, whenever she’s around you, she becomes a huge softie.

really cannot resist you in anything. if you ask for it, she will give it to you! although it’s mostly just you asking for hugs and kisses

she’s super protective of you and will literally fight anyone who makes you sad. you like to think of her as a big cuddly bear.

she likes to spoil you with gifts!

most of the time, it isn’t something super expensive because she knows it can make you a little uncomfortable. but if she travels, she makes sure to bring back a small souvenir for you to keep.

“Look! It’s a bear keychain!”

loads of online shopping together. you have to physically stop her from checking out the hundreds of items in her cart. some of them are absolutely useless.

you guys most definitely do not need a new welcome carpet. you already have a dozen of unused ones from previous shopping sprees.

it’s definitely a problem. but you kind of think it’s cute.

she always asks for your opinion when it comes to her hair. if she wants to cut it, she’ll ask you for permission first. you think it’s kind of ridiculous that she keeps asking you so you just tell her to do whatever makes her happy. if she's happy, then you are too.

she’ll blush and grin at your response.

after that, she’d switch up her haircut every couple of months just to surprise you.

“I kind of went for a new style this time. How do I look?”

you think she’s beautiful either way.

her reaction to your enthusiastic response is always the same: a shy ‘thank you’ with a bright smile accompanying it.

staying up late with her in the dance practice rooms and encouraging her to keep practicing even though she may get frustrated sometimes.

she can be super competitive sometimes and when she gets into the zone, she gets super loud.

truthfully, you had to go out and buy noise-cancelling headphones.

whenever the other members come over, your house becomes a warzone. Jeongyeon gets super excited and basically forgets that you are there as well.

however, when all the other girls leave, Jeongyeon cuddles up to you and you guys spend the rest of the night just in each other’s arms.

the girls always love to tease Jeongyeon about your relationship. she’ll deny being whipped but you’ll tell them stories that show otherwise.

she’ll get annoyed that her street cred is being ruined and claim that the girls won’t respect her anymore.

“Say one more word and you’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

“But I can only fall asleep next to you.” You pout and pull out your famous puppy eyes.

“...Fine.”

“Whipped!” Sana screams. laughter ensues.

she’ll be your biggest cheerleader.

when you went into a cafe for your first job interview, she sat in the table behind you guys and threw you encouraging thumbs-ups throughout the interview.

she may have also been the one to send multiple plates of ‘anonymously paid for’ cookies to your table for you and the interviewer to enjoy.

needless to say, you got the job!

she’s not big on PDA and will smack you lightly if you try to do something fishy in public.

but at home, she loves getting cheek kisses from you even if she denies it. Sana pouts when she catches wind of this but eventually gets over it.

she’s practically glued to her phone whenever she’s away from you. she highly anticipates your texts and will stay up late just to talk to you. 3am conversations always result in some very funny inside jokes.

she won’t outright say that she misses you. instead, she’ll send you a photo of something with the caption: “reminded me of you”.

you’ve learned to appreciate and love the little things when it comes to her.

HIRAI MOMO

you guys actually met through a mutual friend! she had invited you to her birthday dinner where she introduced you to Momo.

you two hit it off right away, bonding over your mutual love for food, and natural dorkiness.

of course, you spent the entire night goofing off, trying to impress her and keep her attention on you. you would later find out that she thought it was absolutely adorable.

you asked for her number at the end of the dinner and she shyly gave it to you, making you promise to text her the next day. the rest is history!

Momo loves stealing your hoodies, especially if they end up looking big on her. she loves the fact that they always smell like you.

More often than not, she’ll end up taking it home and you won’t see it for another week. it’s the main reason why ever since you started dating Momo, you’ve managed to lose half of your hoodies.

whenever you tell her that you love her, she always blushes before saying ‘i love you too’ back.

most of the time, Momo is the one to initiate physical contact first. it doesn’t matter where you guys are or what you are doing, she’ll always try and get as much skin to skin contact with you.

this results in a lot of bear hugs and linked arms.

she’s super soft and gentle with you. whenever you get hurt, she has to resist the urge to start babying you. although you’ve told her that you don’t really mind it, she still tries to refrain from doing so because she doesn’t want to suffocate you.

a lot of late-night texting. Momo doesn’t really know how to start the conversation first so she’ll just send you something random and hope you reply.

she always manages to rope you into dancing with her. whether it’s uncontrolled party dancing, slow dancing, or hip hop, she’ll always try and convince you into dancing with her.

she told you it’s because dancing makes her happy and so do you. therefore, she feels the most joy when the two are combined together.

and honestly, how could you refuse to dance with her after she’s told you that?

she’s actually super shy around her members when you’re around. they love to tease her unstop, especially Jeongyeon and Sana.

she always whines whenever this happens and tries to hide her blushing face by burying it into your body, whether it’s your arm, chest, back, neck, etc.

you’d never tell her but you secretly love it when she gets teased and that’s why you’ve never once tried to stop the girls from doing so.

“Stop teasing me or I’m going to move out of the dorm! You’ll never see me again!” Momo whines.

“Oh? Are you going to move in with Y/N instead then?” Jeongyeon wiggles her eyebrows as Momo groans in embarrassment.

soooo much eating out together. whenever you have the chance to, you like to take her out to eat. she’s super appreciative of the fact that you always let her choose where you guys eat.

she’ll try and get into your hobbies as well. you guys once went hiking and although she was extremely tired, she never once complained. it’s because she knows how much hiking means to you and she doesn’t want to bash on it or make you feel as though she’s not enjoying it.

Momo wants to know everything about you. so, she’ll end up becoming super serious when you let her know about the things that you are passionate about.

as long as she’s spending time with you, it doesn’t matter to her what you guys are doing.

so much cuddling. a tremendous amount of cuddling. it’s her favourite thing to do with you.

she changes between little spoon and big spoon, depending on what she feels like at the moment.

Momo is just the softest girlfriend ever.

MINATOZAKI SANA

contrary to popular belief, she actually likes to go slow with her relationships. she doesn’t ever want you to feel rushed, so she always takes extra care in making sure that you never feel uncomfortable.

kisses are either super sweet or super passionate. there is no in-between.

her favourite way of waking you up in the morning is to place kisses all over your face.

you’ll often find her staring at you with a gaze full of wonder and curiosity. when you ask her why she’ll just say that she doesn’t think she’ll ever get over the fact that you’re hers.

she’s not afraid to be touchy with you in front of the other members. sometimes a little too touchy. the members usually end up cringing and telling you guys to get a room.

she smiles and laughs the most around you. sometimes you aren’t even doing anything and she’ll look at you and smile.

Sana loves it when you call her ‘baby’ or ‘sweetheart’. she finds it so adorable and her heart flutters every time.

it’s usually rare that Sana will get flustered, but around you, she’s always blushing and can sometimes become timid.

she just loves you way too much.

movie nights always end with her crying in your arms. it’s because she always insists on watching a heartfelt romantic film, even though you keep telling her that she’ll end up in tears.

Sana feels too deeply, that’s just who she is as a person. this means that she loves you more than she could ever describe in words. however, this also means that when you guys fight, she’s unable to think properly and will become overwhelmed with sorrow.

she’s usually the first one to apologize, even if you were in the wrong. she just hates fighting with you and wants it to be over as soon as possible.

“Can you please come back to bed? I can’t sleep without you in my arms.”

you can also get jealous when she’s acting too flirty with other people. whenever you bring it up, Sana will understand where you are coming from and will try to be more aware of her actions.

the time that you two spend together is mostly spent cuddling, kissing, or goofing off. she’s super playful and that only gets amplified when she’s around you.

whenever she can, she’ll drag you to the JYP practice rooms so that you can keep her company as she dances and trains.

this usually starts off innocent but when she starts dancing to a sexy routine, you just can’t keep your hands off of her. this results in a LOT of making out and the occasional unplanned trip back home.

let's just say that the security cameras at JYP have a lot of unnecessary footage of you and Sana in compromising positions.

so much aegyo. you are bombarded with aegyo 24/7.

she’ll bring out the aegyo whenever you’ve had a bad day because she knows how much you secretly love it.

however, she’s just a naturally cute person. so honestly, aside from the times where she will purposefully exaggerate her cuteness, you basically live with a human aegyo machine.

one of her favourite things to do is to go shopping with you. she loves making you flustered when she comes out of the change room with a sexy outfit on.

of course, she’s not allowed in the kitchen because you are seriously afraid she will burn it all down. she’s too clumsy for her own good.

and because of her clumsiness, she managed to break four plates in the span of two months.

although you suppose it’s not too bad since next morning, you’ll find a brand new set of plates sitting outside of your front door.

you’ll band together with her to tease the other members. they’ll often joke about you being the 10th member of Twice since you end up becoming so close with all of them.

this makes Sana really happy because she loves her members and she also loves you. she’s always wanted to date someone who gets along well with her members, and ta-da, she found that with you.

she tells you that making you her ‘forever’ was the easiest thing she’s ever done.

PARK JIHYO

she’s honestly such a softie when it comes to you. she’s so loving and cherishes you so much. when Jihyo is around you, it feels like she’s found her missing puzzle piece.

she’s a sucker for romantic gestures, and so your anniversaries are always so well thought out and heartfelt.

you still have the poem that she wrote about you! you keep it in your desk drawer. she was so embarrassed when she found out and told you to throw it away.

though secretly, she was glad that you kept it.

she loves kissing your cheeks and forehead. Hand holding is also super special to her. it’s her favourite form of physical contact.

with Jihyo, it’s the little things that matter the most. you don’t need to buy her extravagant presents or shower her with expensive dinners. as long as you show through small gestures that you care, she’ll be forever grateful.

she never takes you for granted. in fact, she’ll always preach about how she must’ve saved the entire universe in her past life for her to have been so lucky.

you’re the one she rants to when it comes to netizens. she’ll almost always end up in tears and you’ll rush forward to comfort her.

you’re the only one that she feels comfortable around enough to show her vulnerable side.

she tries to make you feel as special as you make her feel. she’ll shower you with compliments and will melt whenever she sees your face light up.

anytime you shower her with your love, she’ll end up paying you back tenfold.

there is nothing in this universe that could keep her away from you. whenever she has time, she always makes sure to spend it with you.

she can sometimes get scared that you’ll find her busy schedule too much to handle. as a result, you always have to reassure her that you love her as much as she loves you. and unless she wants you to, you will always stay by her side.

“I choose you, forever and always. You will always be my first and only choice, okay?”

whenever she goes on a diet, you’ll go on the same diet with her. you told her that that way, you guys can go through it together. you hope that she knows she’s never alone. not with you.

never with you.

she’s too embarrassed to say it, but she really appreciates it. it only makes her love for you grow.

she especially admires how selfless you can be and really strives to become a girlfriend that you can be proud of.

you think it’s a little ridiculous because really, how could you ever not be proud of her?

she always pushes herself to be better and will take any of your concerns about the relationship seriously. if you think that you guys aren’t spending enough time together, she’ll start planning extra dates with you.

you told her that it’s not necessary to do that but she just waved it off and told you that you’re being ridiculous. you’re the most important thing in her life. of course it’s necessary.

“I don’t want you to feel neglected. And even though I can’t guarantee that you won’t feel that way with others, the least I could do is make sure you don’t feel that way with me.”

she loves eating sweets and you’ll try to indulge her every time you get your paycheck. it’s become a small ritual and routine for you guys to go out and eat sweets.

eating healthy is super important to her though. she kind of becomes a mother figure and will hound you if you develop unhealthy eating habits.

she’ll wake up earlier than normal and will personally cook you homemade meals as an attempt to get you to stop eating out.

she eventually had to stop because you kept whining about not being able to wake up with her in your arms. and honestly, you looked way too adorable to resist.

that and because her heart skipped a beat when you admitted that you love waking up to the feeling of holding her.

you love her and she loves you. that’s a fact, not an opinion. nothing in this world could ever change that.

MYOUI MINA

you guys met at a flower shop. you were picking up some lilies for your mother, and she was ordering some daisies for Chaeyoung’s birthday.

you couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she was. thus, you mustered up all your courage and decided to make small talk with her.

unexpectedly, you guys had so much fun that when it was time to leave, you found yourself unable to move. she felt much of the same. you guys exchanged numbers and the next day, you picked up a couple of roses on your way to meet up with her.

although she’s known to be quite shy, she actually becomes super talkative when you’re around.

Mina just finds you so interesting. you’re like a puzzle to her and she desperately wants to solve you. she wants to see the full picture.

during the summer, she’ll sometimes wake you up early in the morning so that you can both take a stroll in the nearby park.

she just loves your presence. parks help to bring her peace and she secretly wishes that they do the same for you.

she can become surprisingly protective of you. at first, the members were skeptical of you. after all, they had no idea who you were and what your intentions were.

Mina kept on defending you and shooting down every remark that they made. she insisted that you were a good person.

in the end, she managed to convince them. she’s extremely strong-willed when it comes to protecting you.

she loves hand-holding. it’s her favourite thing to do with you. it always makes her smile when she sees how perfectly your hands fit together.

you are the only one to truly witness the extent of her ballerina abilities. her fans have seen little bits and pieces, but when she truly gets into it, you are always awestruck by her skill.

you’re her pillar of support. whenever she isn’t feeling well, you’re the first one she’ll call.

she really does depend on you for a lot of things. you have to constantly reassure her that no, she is not a burden to you. and that yes, you love her.

her love for you is silent and strong. she doesn’t often express it in words. rather, it comes in the form of small gestures.

sometimes, you’ll come home to a homemade dinner or you’ll find small encouraging sticky notes tacked to your laptop screen.

it’s almost scary how well she knows and understands you. whenever you’re stressed, she just automatically knows and will bring you some tea.

you’ve asked her how she knows, and she just replied with:

“Guess you really are my soulmate.”

she’s such a soft girlfriend.

will have sweater paws even as she plays her video games.

you guys play various video games together. to be honest, sometimes you’ll purposefully let her win because her entire face lights up when she does.

you’d never tell her that though.

never has she ever taken you for granted. she always ensures that you know how much you mean to her.

she’s so cheesy. most of the time she isn’t even trying to be, but you just bring out that side of her.

loves super romantic gestures. she’s never outright told you, but she really does appreciate it when you take the time to plan out a small and special date for the both of you.

she cherishes every date that she gets to go on with you.

she also has a habit of counting the number of kisses she gets from you every day.

“I got 27 yesterday so I should get 27 or more today.”

you think it’s absolutely adorable that your kisses have now turned into a bargaining chip.

she likes to whisper ‘i love you’s. you’ve always wondered why, so one day you decided to ask her.

she bashfully told you that if she whispers, it almost feels as though it can stay just between the both of you. it becomes something special, almost like a secret that only the both of you know and understand.

her love should only be heard and felt by you, and you only.

KIM DAHYUN

you guys are the craziest couple ever.

no joke, whenever you’re invited to the dorm, it somehow manages to become 200% louder.

mostly because Dahyun gets louder when she’s trying to impress you. which, in retrospect, is probably 24/7.

she’s really playful and likes to tease you a lot. the rest of Twice doesn’t even get the chance to tease you guys, Dahyun does all of it already.

“You know Y/N told me yesterday that-”

“I’m leaving.”

you like to tease her back by watching her old weekly idol videos. that always manages to make her blush.

her laugh is so contagious. seriously, it’s your favourite sound in the entire world.

she’s extremely outgoing but becomes even more outgoing when she’s around you. not to mention, she’s absolutely won over all your friends. they’ve threatened to break your legs if you ever hurt her.

which is unfair because a) they’re your friends and b) you would never dream of hurting her. ever.

she really is like a small ball of sunshine. she’s just naturally cute, but whenever you point it out, she likes to exaggerate it by drowning you with her dramatic aegyo moves.

when she gets serious though, she gets serious. this usually happens when you guys get into a small argument or disagreement.

she’ll try and isolate herself so that she can sort through her own feelings first before she blows up on you. when she comes out though, she turns into another person completely.

you aren’t allowed to leave until you two fix the issue. you were extremely surprised when it first happened.

underneath all her smiles, she’s actually a really thoughtful and mature individual.

she always puts your needs above hers. although, it’s usually through small unnoticeable gestures.

she doesn’t mind that you don’t know half of the time. the only thing that matters to her is that you are happy and well.

due to her pale skin, she actually blushes really easily. whenever you say something sweet or romantic, her entire face will turn red.

you think it’s cute but she sees it as a complete betrayal.

“My body has betrayed its owner!”

her skin is just super soft in general. you don’t know how she manages to get it that way but wow, it’s so soft.

how you found out? well, that’s a story for another time.

she’s so energetic. not really in the mornings, but when afternoon hits, she’s vibrating like a generator.

Dahyun really does manage to brighten your days.

whenever you get sick, she becomes your very own personalized nurse. she will also search up puns and jokes to try and lighten up your mood.

they really are bad jokes but you laugh because they’re from her.

also because she put a lot of effort into finding the jokes and memorizing them.

her kisses are usually pretty short and sweet. she likes to keep the making out to the confines of your own home. PDA just is not her thing.

your text chats are filled with inside jokes. she’s somehow funnier over text. maybe it’s because there's a lot of emoticons to choose from, but she always manages to pick the perfect one.

she’s doesn’t really mind what you guys do when you hang out. as long as she’s with you, anything is fine.

soooo cheesy. Dahyun is loaded with cheesy, and sometimes cringy, pickup lines.

“OUCH!”

“Dayhun! Are you okay?”

“Woah. I think I fell for you again.”

“I’m never talking to you ever again.”

for some reason, she loves it when you call her baby. she will get extremely flustered and will give you a peck on the cheek as a reward.

it’s honestly the easiest way to get her to kiss you.

at the end of every day, she’ll send you a small heart. it’s become a ritual for you guys even though you’re still not too sure how it started in the first place.

she really has a knack for making you feel special.

she truly does love you to infinity and back.

SON CHAEYOUNG

she actually approached you first and made the first move.

so many cute artistic dates. she keeps mini canvases stored in her closet just for you.

you only recently found out that she has a whole notebook dedicated to little sketches of you.

she’ll get little bouts of inspiration. and when she does, she’ll grab her notebook and sketch you performing your every day tasks.

you’re still annoyed that you never noticed.

whenever she travels, whether its for vacation or for a concert, she’ll always bring back cute little trinkets for you.

it’s gotten to the point where you have a small drawer full of key chains, plastic flowers, toy cars, etc.

she has sweater paws 24/7 and you think it’s absolutely adorable.

a lot of the time you guys spend together is either spent in silence, just enjoying each other’s company, or in absolute chaos.

she’s becomes an A list comedian around you. Chaeyoung somehow manages to memorize an entire set of jokes and will tell you one every day.

seriously so cute though. you love making her smile and will stop at nothing to get a laugh out of her.

sometimes a small snort will escape if she laughs hard enough. that’s when you’ll know you have accomplished your mission.

she’ll tie her hair up in ridiculous hairstyles and will always ask for your opinion.

“How does this look?”

“Chae I love you but you look like a clown.”

“That’s the point!”

before she dyes her hair, she’ll ask you which colour you would like to see on her. your opinion actually matters a lot to her.

post-concert celebratory dinners are almost always spent with you. most of the time, she’ll be the one to pay because she wants you to save up your money.

she’s super independent and doesn’t like to rely on you for too much. however, when things get tough, you are the first person she will go to for help and comfort.

she doesn’t really mind PDA. in fact, in some cases she will welcome it. she thinks it’s perfectly normal to show affection for her significant other.

this results in a lot of cuddling, hand holding, and kissing around her members.

they always tease her about how she’s basically whipped for you. she won’t say anything in retaliation because she knows it’s true, but she will definitely throw the nearest pillow at them.

Jihyo was the most skeptical of you at first. Chaeyoung is like her little sister and she didn’t want her to get hurt, especially since this would be her first relationship.

you ended up getting interrogated by Jihyo, but unsurprisingly, you passed with flying colours.

when Chaeyoung found out about this, she wouldn’t stop pouting. for the next couple of days, she ignored Jihyo as a way to show her disappointment in her elder’s behaviour.

you had to calm her down and tell her that there was nothing wrong with what Jihyo did. you weren’t mad and you guys actually had a really pleasant conversation together.

after that, Chaeyoung stopped ignoring Jihyo.

you got a basket of wagyu the next day, coupled with a card that was signed with J.

Chaeyoung can be so protective of you. if anyone hurt you, she would get super quiet. that’s how you would know that she was angry.

she would take steps towards ensuring that they would never be able to hurt you again. this usually meant utilizing her various idol connections to her advantage.

when you guys had a fight, which was rarely ever, she wouldn’t exactly blow up on you. instead, she would be really levelheaded while trying to solve the issue.

she hates it when you guys fight and sometimes she’ll end up in tears. she can be really sensitive around you and she doesn’t ever like it when you raise your voice.

so many cheek and forehead kisses. however, because of her height, they’re only ever done when both of you are sitting down.

she gets embarrassed extremely easily. her entire face, up until the tip of her ears, will flush red.

a lot of tickle fights will ensue. she loves being playful with you.

she genuinely is at her happiest when she’s with you.

CHOU TZUYU

at first, you totally thought she hated you.

you met Twice at a company event and she completely ignored and avoided you. you tried multiple times to try and talk to her but she always stared blankly at you.

eventually you gave up trying.

in reality, she was just too shy to try and talk to you. Tzuyu was absolutely stunned by how gorgeous/handsome she thought you were. whenever you were around her, she would freeze up.

when the end of the night neared, she kept whining about how cute she thought you were. Jeongyeon eventually got fed up and asked for your number in place of Tzuyu.

that’s how you guys started talking.

she’s usually pretty quiet but she gets super excited around you.

she likes to go on small picnic dates with you. you guys would take turns planning it out, and at first, you guys would bring foods that the other person liked most.

after a dozen or so picnic dates, you guys just started to bring weird and wacky food that the other persons never tried before.

the surprise element was what kept it interesting for Tzuyu.

you most definitely got smacked for bringing fried scorpions once.

she’ll rope you into starting a very extensive skincare routine with her. it has a total of 15 steps, lasting around 45 minutes.

whenever her mother sends her new skincare products, you suddenly become her guinea pig.

“Stay still! You’ll get wrinkles if you keep moving.”

at first, she was really awkward when it came to physical affection. she was never one for cuddling, but once you guys started dating, it quickly became one of her favourite activities.

she’s a really innocent person. you had to explain a lot of... things to her.

sometimes she’ll just sit and stare at you for no reason other than the fact that she loves you.

you never pegged her as someone who was into romantic gestures, but she manages to prove you wrong.

for your anniversaries, she always goes full out. she usually spends 2 weeks planning the event beforehand.

when it comes to you, she’s incredibly patient and understanding.

if you guys can’t see each other, she’s perfectly content with just video calling. to her, just feeling your presence is more than enough.

although, when you guys are together, kissing is definitely a bonus.

you passed the ‘Gucci’ test.

aka if Gucci likes you or not.

to her, it is highly imperative that Gucci likes you. after all, Gucci is one of her best friends.

every once in a while, you’ll bring Gucci some dog treats. you’ve also brought a couple pieces of dog clothing that you bought online. Tzuyu always appreciates the fact that you’re making an effort to show love to her dog as well.

when you guys are at the dorm, she likes to spend half of the time with the girls, and the other half with you in her room.

she values personal space a lot so sometimes she will need a little bit of time off to herself. however, you’re the only person she doesn’t feel the need to distance herself from.

in fact, you’re the only person who’s allowed to enter her room without her permission first.

she’s so appreciative of you. she notices every little thing that you do for her and will silently melt inside.

Tzuyu just loves how attentive you are when it comes to her.

whenever she sings “One in a Million”, she always thinks about you.

You really are her soulmate.

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under-the-blue-sun · 4 years

Text

blankets, coffees and afternoon naps

summary: Blankets, coffee and afternoon naps have become the new normal.

word count: 1217

rating: general audiences

warnings: profanity

note: just a collection of domestic moments between dan and phil during quarantine written for @stupidity-to-the-max for phandomgives. enjoy ♡

read on ao3

Blankets, coffee and afternoon naps have become the new normal.

Dan sighed fondly as he looked down at Phil sprawled across the couch. He had a bet with Dan that he would stay awake, but he was already fast asleep and fully relaxed, head resting on Dan’s lap, a thousand pillows burying him into the couch. He smiled faintly as he noticed Phil was wearing the mismatching socks he had given him for his 29th birthday.

As if awoken by Dan’s thoughts, Phil blinked, slowly opening his eyes.

“Hey.” Dan whispered softly.

“Hey.” Phil murmured, rubbing his eyes as he sat up from Dan’s lap, almost knocking over his half-full coffee mug. “How long was I out?”

“Only half an hour.” Dan said, suddenly shivering as Phil quickly left his legs, grasping his lukewarm coffee cup to conjure some warmth. “Now you have to take the garbage out.”

Phil groaned. “But Mellie is taking it out today, and I already had to deal with her two weeks ago.”

“You shouldn’t have bet on it.” Dan said, smirking arrogantly.

Phil buried his face in Dan’s lap again.

“Bitch.” he called out, muffled.

“Yeah, yeah. Now go back to sleep.”

“How do you deal with blocks?”

Phil frowned in confusion and looked up from his laptop, observing the source of the noise across him who was slamming his head on the table. “Blocks?”

“Yes!” Dan called out, exasperated. “Blocks.”

“Like chocolate blocks?” Phil joked, enjoying the annoyance continuing to write all over Dan’s face.

Dan sighed. “I meant like writer’s block.”

“Oh.” Phil said, shrugging and returning to type. “I don’t know. Write about...your mum.”

Dan squinted at him. “You write. How do you cure writer’s block?”

“Well, it’s gonna sound cheesy.”

“Tell me.” Dan said immediately.

Phil stopped typing and looked up, smiling softly. “I write about you.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut up.”

“It’s true!” Phil exclaimed. “You always give me inspiration to write. there’s so much to write about you.”

“Like what?”

“Well, how you’re kind and soft, even if you pretend not to be, and that you give the best advice, and the best kisses, and you make the best Indian food on this apartment floor, and- you’re just fishing for compliments now.”

“Yup.” Dan said, grinning widely. “I know just what to write about now.”

“I think Norman hates me.”

Dan sighed. “You said that five minutes ago, Phil. He is literally a fish. He does not hate you.”

“Yeah, but...seriously. What if he does?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. “It’s 3am, Phil. You’re going delusional.”

“I know, but still.” Phil said. “What if I’m feeding him and caring about him and having anxiety dreams about him and he doesn’t care about me at all?”

“Go to sleep.” Dan said.

“But you’re awake!” Phil exclaimed.

“I’m turning the lamp off now.” Dan said, and he did. He closed his eyes, pretending to sleep.

“Good night.” Phil whispered softly.

Dan smiled slightly. “Good night. Norman loves you.”

---

“See? I told you! I fucking told you!”

Phil slammed his head on the cards. “This game is too complicated.”

“No, look at me! Look at me!” Dan shouted, grabbing Phil’s event card and waving it around. “I told you that this was too easy! You can’t just fucking airlift people and send them to different countries! It’s not how the game works! It’s not how any game works!”

“Who cares?” Phil yelled. “I saved the world anyway!”

“Illegally, you dingbat!” Dan said. “We’re playing it again.”

“This is the fifth time.” Phil said.

“I don’t care how many times we’re playing this, we need to get it right.” Dan seethed, already setting up the board again.

“Well, this isn’t perfect, but…”

“I love it.” Dan said, eyes shining.

“Yeah?” Phil said hopefully.

“Yeah.” Dan affirmed, smiling brightly and looking around the dark room filled with candles. He smelt the air.

“You even put my favourite scented candles. I thought we were out of them.”

“I ordered some online.” Phil said.

Dan put his hand over his heart. “Oh my god, I love you.”

“I love you too.” Phil beamed. “You look good tonight.”

“You too.” Dan said, taking a seat. “So, Mr Lester, what do we have tonight?”

“I have made three courses for you - appetizers, main and dessert. And bread, if that counts as a course.” Phil said. He hesitated before continuing, glancing at Dan’s lightly lit face.

“Go on.” Dan whispered, urging him to go on.

“Okay, so for the entree I made a beef carpaccio with avocado and walnuts, seasoned with salt and pepper. For main we have polish pork and cabbage stew with fresh marjoram with a side of fava bean salad with goat's cheese. Lastly, for dessert I made rhubarb tart with pistachio ice cream, and an attempt of Japanese mochi. All of this is with the non-burnt homemade sourdough bread I made last week, and butter from Sainsbury.” Phil said. “I hope you like it.”

“God, Phil. You did so much.” Dan said. “You didn’t have to do that much.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to. You’re worth it.” Phil said.

“I don’t know what to say.” Dan breathed.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Phil said, smiling softly. “It was nothing.”

Dan looked at Phil directly. “I love you, you know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Phil grinned. “I love you too. I’ll bring out the food now.”

“Chef, waiter and boyfriend. How much do I have to tip you tonight?” Dan teased.

“You’re my tip for tonight.” Phil said, kissing Dan’s forehead.

“We’re gross, aren’t we?” Dan called out as Phil got their appetizers and bread.

“Definitely.” Phil shouted back. “It’s great.”

“In summary, if you try to rap one more time, I will literally cry.” Phil finished.

“What are you talking about?” Dan said, still speaking into the faux microphone. “I sounded great.”

“I rate that performance a -8/10.” Phil said.

Dan pouted. “You’re so mean.”

“You barely said one quarter of the words in that song.”

“A for effort?”

“F for failure.”

“Fine, I rate your Britney a 0.”

“You already rated an 11! You’re not allowed to change it!”

“Since when? Hit Me Baby One More Time? More like “Hit Me Baby Zero More Times Because Phil Is So Bad At Singing It”.” Dan said, changing the song already.

Phil rolled his eyes. “You think you’re so funny.”

“Oh, you love me, shut up.” Dan said, getting read to rap into the microphone.

“You left your coffee in the microwave.” Phil yelled.

“Just heat it up again and give it back to me.” Dan yelled back, eyes refusing to leave the computer and fingers fervently glued to the keyboard.

“Here you go.” Phil said, smiling as he put the lukewarm cup on the counter next to Dan. “How’s your writing going?”

“Good.” Dan said, continuing to type.

“Fixed your block?” Phil asked, sitting on the couch next to him.

“Yep.” Dan said, shutting his laptop. “Thanks for the advice.”

“What advice?” Phil asked.

“You.” Dan replied, adjusting the blanket hanging over his legs to share with the very confused Phil. “Let’s see if you manage to stay awake through this episode.”

Blankets, coffee and afternoon naps, they decided, were the best kind of normal.

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dontdoit19 · 4 years

Text

My Life

There is little to no purpose in my life. Let me get into why. First of all I am ugly. Not crazy ugly but there are features about my face that I cannot do anything about that make me ugly. Second of all I am fat. Like not obese but like 5’11, 200 so I have like a bit of a stomach I guess, some man boobs, and a huge butt and thighs which makes all pants look weird.

I love food. It is one of the only things that makes me feel good in life. I would say it makes me feel happy but I rarely ever feel happy. Food makes me fat and isn’t it funny how one of the only things in the whole world that makes me feel good also makes me feel horrible about myself?

Because I am fat and ugly I don’t have any intimate relationships with females. Intimate relationships also make me feel good. I still don’t have any though. It wasn’t always like this. I have kissed three girls in my life. My first kiss I could’ve probably kissed again, but for some reason I did not. My second kiss I dated for two weeks before she broke up with me a day before my birthday. This was sophomore year of high school. Then after sophomore year I got fat. And when I got fat I got progressively uglier in the face. I had no luck with females. Until senior year I kissed a freshman girl, she was 15 I was 17 so I like to think it was not so weird, but then she told everyone her next boyfriend was much better than me.

There was once when people found me attractive. Early high school for some reason people did think I was good looking. I was probably the slimmest I have ever been, and in a predominantly african school. It didn’t last long. They soon found my friends at the time more attractive. That brief moment of time I felt so powerful and it had an effect on the rest of my first two years of high school. I saw people treat me with respect because girls thought I was attractive. I saw how being attractive is a serious leg up in the world. That’s what is so annoying about not being attractive besides not being found attractive to women. The fact that people whether they show it or not, view you as less than because you are not attractive, often feel pity for you and will never think of you the same.

I do not have many friends either. Yes I have acquaintances but barely any friends in the world. Over 1000 followers on instagram but maybe 10 friends maximum. I have been a liar for as long as I can remember. I lie about nearly everything to nearly everyone. Told my sister I lost my virginity and all of my close friends, despite that being the one thing I said I was going to be truthful about. I also steal things. I call it burrowing but truly it is stealing. I’ve stopped doing that but, ehh, I don’t know. I also feel good when I take marijuana. I think I like it because when I’m sober I’m too afraid to act myself. I never act myself around anyone. I simply act like the person I am talking to, trying to make myself desperately seem cool enough to talk to. I think I lie because I am embarrassed about how pathetic my life is and I want others to think I have interesting things to say, and I myself am interesting.

I am sort of smart. I have the capacity to do good in school but have never tried hard in anything in life so I do not know. That’s the thing. People tell me I have potential in life, but honestly I can only kindoff see it. I would lose weight, but it’s too much effort and not losing weight also feels good. I would learn how to invest so I could jumpstart my career and learn how to be rich but that also takes too much effort and I’d rather not because being lazy also feels good. Also I think I want to be rich because I like things and don’t like being poor, but honestly hope there’s more to life than just money. Being lazy feels too good. As I write this I have a load of missing assignments as well as a final project which will take several hours to do. I say I will do it tomorrow but will most likely start and not finish. I am writing this at 3AM because I am so lazy that my sleep schedule has completely switched during this global pandemic and I have become completely nocturnal, sleeping from around 9AM-4PM.

I do not like my own family. My mother is okay and I think I love her but I don’t know. Like when I am not around her I am sure I do. But when I am, things become awkward and I feel like I strongly dislike her. My sister I think I love too but she sometimes feels like talking to a stranger. My father also feels like a stranger and he is far from a good dad. I also think I have reached a point in my life where I have lied so much that I don’t even know who I am. That’s who I hope to learn about in college. See if I can work hard. See if I can find love. See if I can find friends. And the hardest thing is going to be being honest with my family. Showing me who I truly am and not caring about what they think. But that’s the thing, everyone I have shown who I truly am doesn’t like what they see.

I wonder if I am even capable of making friends or finding love. Like the only people I find attractive are very attractive. And I think I’m being hypocritical when I say that because I get pissed off when I see girls online liking guys only for their looks. But my animal instincts have made only attractive females attractive. I cannot see an attractive female finding me attractive. When I see couples online whenever the girl is attractive so is the guy. The guy has several features about themselves that I don’t have. Maybe he is taller or just overall better looking. I also find transgender women attractive. I wonder if it’s some weird fetish because I do not think I could be in a relationship with one especially considering after I’m done watching transgender porn I cannot imagine kissing her or being intimate with her. That definitely makes me feel like a bad person saying, no disrespect to the transgender community.

I wonder If I’m a bad person. Because I lie and steal I must be. I think the stealing was a phase in my life that I am now done with but I’ll always have the urge to. And the lying I cannot stop. Like I tell myself I’ll be done with it in college but honestly I do not know if I can see it stop. I think I am nice to others but I can also be really mean. Maybe it’s just because the world has been so cruel to me that I am mean but honestly I hate that it makes me feel good being mean.

I hate coronavirus. If it wasn’t for the virus I was going to lose my virginity back in boarding school. I think that would have made me feel good too. It seems weird to say but I have a very large penis, and I only say that because I think it would make me good at sex which I think I would’ve enjoyed knowing. Like the fact that I have potential to be good at sex means maybe a girl could like me.

Somehow I am going to a really good school next year. Probably because of my SAT which I barely studied for but just happened to do alright in but obviously not as good as I wanted to, me being black, and writing a pretty good essay. It’s not an ivy league school but it’s like right below that. And it’s a good mix of all the things I want. Big school in a big city which means lots of people and maybe I could find a group that likes me and a girl that likes me, good business program because I like the idea of working on wall street minus the stressful hours, and a place where I could rebrand myself.

I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I don’t feel bad about lying obviously but know it’s not good. I basically lack personality, and whenever I show people my true personality they find me annoying and stop liking me. I also don’t know whether I truly love anyone including my own family. For some reason I am still hopeful that everything is fine. In my near 18 years of life, life has given me just enough to keep me hopeful but no true happiness.

I love parties. I’ve barely been to any but all the ones I’ve gone to have been amazing. I get rejected by women each time. Huge blow to my self esteem, but when they don’t reject me and dance with me it feels amazing. I want to go to parties where no one knows who I am and maybe then I can be myself and see what others think.

I often wonder whether there were chances I had with women I just never took the chance on. I also often wonder whether I’ve just continued to meet the wrong people and will make friends one day. I don’t know why I have hope but I think it generally comes from the fact that I have a positive attitude. Despite my life being in my opinion pretty shitty, I stay positive. I cannot say life has not blessed me. It’s made me healthy, male, straight, and I’ve grown up in an upper middle class household with a mother and sister I think love me. It’s just I think what is life without happiness. What is life if I cannot be myself. What is life if I cannot find friends and loved ones.

I could never show this to anyone. Not only would my facade of a life be done, but the truth often hurts and I know I would lose friendships. I cannot face the judgement from my family as well. But I think that’s the issue. The fact that I cannot be honest means I will always continue lying and my life may never change.

#lifestory

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harrysdimples · 6 years

Text

just gonna leave my thoughts about the 1975′s new album, a brief inquiry into online relationships, here bc I’m that type of dumbass that will forget what I thought of it 10 mins after i listen to it kksjsaknskas (this is me listening to the leak btw and obviously I will buy the album when it comes out on friday)

give yourself a try: ?? 10/10 excellent single choice. loves it so much!! the exact techno 80s guitar I needed to live my best life. sign of the times??? le gasp. so just giiiiIIIiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIveeeeeeeee yourself a tryyyyyyyyy....thank u matty for inspiring my self love once more

TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME: THE FUCKING BOP OF THE CENTURY. genuinely on blast 24/7. what a TUUUUUUUUNE. love this with my whole heart and is the wholesome bop I needed. just pop perfection. LAV IT. the video warmed my soul. thank u to whatever god gave me the chance to boogie along to this when I make my breakfast n tea

how to draw / petrichor: why does this intro sound like beginning of a john lewis christmas advert? I mean I’m not complaining, take me to winter wonderland pls. wonderful xylophone usage. this is a veryyyyyy long intro. OH WOW this vocoder i love. not entirely sure what matty is saying but you know ? I dig it. OOFT OK WE TAKING IT SOFT TECHNO IM HERE FOR IT. this feels like a song that if u put on in the background you’d be really productive. ok we’re nearly 4 mins in and not much has happened. im here for these oddly distant computer sounds. hmmmmm not sure how to feel about this. feels like I might be dreaming about 80% of this song but I’m not entirely sure what to think about this. oh the piano at the end pls I love. was this just supposed to be an interlude or?........

love it if we made it: I actually did not like this at all on first listen when it was released as a single but MAN after the video and the genius video I am HERE. FOR. IT. thank YOU matty my KING for this woke af song. we stan. 2 real sometimes tbh. AND I’D LOVE IT IF WE MADE IT. the ultimate headbanging in your car song.

be my mistake: oh.........bitch am I in for a ride with this guitar?.......shit. fuckin hell I’m tearin up already. MATTY JESUS CHRIST. I literally just got chills all over my body. this is like.......a sadder slower version of somebody else if that were possible. I’m literally crying oh wow???? this is so fucking beautiful holy wow. so simple yet so powerful. I am absolutely in love with this. possibly my favourite 1975 song ever and that’s saying something. I feel the urge to lie in the dark at 3am and listen to this song with headphones on & just cry. wow. I am literally in awe. this is one of the most sonically perfect songs I’ve ever heard holy shit. thank you. wow.

sincerity is scary: I’m still emotionally recovering from be my mistake jeez louise but I absolutely LOVE this song too. the mv for this was *italian chef kiss* and the entire message behind this song is so ! bloody ! important ! this three song stretch of love it if we made it / be my mistake / sincerity is scary is grammy worthy within itself. I will FIGHT the recording academy if this doesn’t get an aoty nomination. and this song better be fuCKIN recognised istg

I like america & america likes me: this vocoder......yes bitch. I have chills again. maybe that’s just cause I’m cold. OH THAT BEAT DROP?? YES??? yeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeesssssss bitch. this is lit??? vocoder is a personal peeve of mine in songs but this pops off? I’ll need to look up what the lyrics are for a lot of this bc I have no clue what he’s sayin 60% of the time in this song. long fade out but im here for it

the man who married a robot: this intro??? MEMES WHOMST??? I am ? wow ? I don’t know what’s going on rn but I’m going with it. this is supposed to be a deeper meaning of a reflection of society but I cannot take this siri voice seriously. confidentiality issues and porn issues with your computer is 2 real. I’m ? this was an eye opening interlude type thing. THE VIOLINS YES PLS. this is giving me those apple launch adverts for new phones background music realness. sad wanking?? here for it and harry approved

inside your mind: these violins??? oooooOOOOooooh this piano??? OKAY BITCH???? that low note ok wow???? these lyrics are slightly stalkerish but u know. oh okay we’re taking it there??? I see. this is a very nice orchestral accompaniment. 10/10 on vocals thank u. this shredding on the guitar in the back? im assuming this is supposed 2 be self aware creepiness & thank god for that. showing how fucked males are as a gender. seeing females as a vessel for their own personal pleasure and then when they either don’t get that or have used them for what they need, turn to violence as the natural consequence of his actions.

it’s not living (if it’s not with you): a vibey song that I needed. I’m lovin it. feels like it could be part of an 80s coming of age film, like ferris bueller’s day off or sixteen candles. the chorus absolutely SLAPS and thank you for this bop. an amazing song for a long car journey/road trip. 10/10 would recommend listening

surrounded by heads and bodies: oh........no........I thought I was safe after be my mistake but APPARENTLY NOT. these harmonies are heavenly. feel like this is what you hear as you are being lifted into heaven to calm you down. has that whimsical/ethereal vibe and I absolutely love it with matty’s voice. the lyrics are fuckin sad :( I am hurting. my hort :( will be adding this to my sleepy time playlist on spotify of songs that lull me to sweet dreams, I look forward to falling asleep to this (and I mean that in the best way possible)

mine: this flute? hm. oh......no.....another piano my heart is too fragile for this please no. this is so pretty :( oh no I am tearing up. pleaSE I LOVE THIS. SAXOPHONE AHHHHHH MY FAVE. JAZZY????? ALL I COULD EVER WANT PLEASE THANK YOUUUUUUU. I am IN LOVE WITH THIS. lookin back on 2009? was it really raining all the time? oh this is so melancholy and I love it :( this is the type of song u slow dance to at a wedding. OHHHHH I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. please I am so emotionally fragile this is a lot for my overly emotional heart to handle. you are just fine!!! because I know you are mine!!! someone stab me in the chest please!!! when will I receive love!!!! a contender for my fave on the album

I couldn’t be more in love: judging by the title if this is another slow song I’m going to bawl my eyes out. oh fuCK. this is......sad........I am..........sad. matty’s voice oh my god????? my love.....I need to be held. baby I’ll rely on all the things i did BECAUSE I’LL GIVE YOU ALL THE YEARS OF MY LIFE FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF I AM SWAN DIVING OFF A CLIFF. THIS CHOIR??? RIP MY SOUL FROM MY BODY THANKS. I am thIS close from having an emotional breakdown. and this bloody guitar solo just solidified that for me okay wow I was not nearly emotionally prepared enough for this album. THAT KEY CHANGE BITCH?????? I am so sad but I’m having a musical eargasm. wow I loved that.

I always wanna die (sometimes): (that’s a fat mood) oh no I really am going to cry during this song. oh. fuck. holy fuck this is genuinely a situation I’ve been in before and I don’t know what to do with myself.

I had to stop and listen after the first verse because this song hit me so much. wow. this is a masterpiece. the bridge is absolutely beautiful. one of the most meaningful songs I’ve ever listened to. god listening to this song after I’ve gone through is making me so emotional. and matty’s vocals are the most angelic thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t even know how to describe this song because it’s just that good. just wow. so fucking beautiful and the best closer to an album I’ve heard since hs1. I just love this with my entire being.

overall rating: 10. my favourite album of 2018 by far. just beautifully crafted and a genuine piece of art. this is the band’s best album. I need to go process what I just heard but wow. just so beautiful and I’m thankful my ears were so blessed to hear this. faves from the album are def mine, be my mistake, tootime and I always wanna die (sometimes)

#the 1975 #okay time to go cry for two hours after listening to this #album review

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laurensomebody · 6 years

Text

An Overnight Shift

I get the urge at 10:45pm in mid-August. I grab my laptop and run out, announcing I’ll be at the nearby 24/7 convenience store. I hope the chatty guy is on-duty, the one who always leaves me inching away guiltily from our fun banter or his war stories about the working men who changed forever once they started buying beer in the morning.

Instead, it’s the stoic bearded guy in a turban who rarely speaks and who once took a photo of me to test my phone’s camera. But if I don’t do this tonight, I never will. I ask when he’s off the clock- 6am- and he hoists a black milk crate over the counter halfway through my next question: “Can I stay here with you to find out what it’s like and then write about it online?” He casually points to a spot between the newspapers and ATM as if that’s where the bloggers sit. Then I catch him smirk and side-eye me as I settle in and feel guilty that he’s so obliging. Better late than never, we exchange names. I reassure the man I’ll call Tom that the essay will only get a few readers. He’s up for it in any case, seemingly glad for the company despite there being no other incentive. I spot a scary, official No Loitering sign on the wall and freeze, then realize jail would still be something to write home about.

Tom has been here “about nine months” and is a long-haul truck driver waiting to renew his license before leaving to hit the road again. I’m instantly relieved about the lowered stakes, which I hadn’t even considered due to the refreshingly ungoverned feel of the place. “How come everyone who works here seems so chill, and not scared or like they have to change their personality?” Tom shrugs. “It’s our culture. Hospitality.” I wonder whether he considers faking it to be inhospitable by definition. But I’m afraid to ask too many questions yet. I check the time- almost seven hours to go, the background silence already stretching the minutes. This might be rough, but I’ll look even crazier if I walk out now. Plus Tom has been here since 6pm. I can’t bail when I get to sit down while he’s working.

An older guy walks in, points at me and mumbles something, then tells Tom he’s been coming around “probably before you were born.” Another white man in his 70s walks in for “Pall Mall Oranges and Newport 100s.” The two seem like friends, and I wonder why they entered separately. What the hell are they up to? I check the second guy’s bright red hat to see if it says MAGA. It doesn’t. Disappointed, I slump back down on my crate and ask myself what kind of drama I’m expecting.

On the other hand, anything could happen! I came in recently at 3am to find bananas strewn all over the floor, broken display cases on the counter and cops arriving. I imagine an emergency shotgun stashed out of sight and wonder if that’d make me feel safer. I smile and wave at one of several cameras on the ceiling, happy to have proof in case something outrageous happens. It’s also a habit. I smile sarcastically at the first camera I see while shopping for groceries or clothes, just to let the watchers know I’m not a threat and they’re creepy for spying. Except this time I might actually be a criminal. I regret the gesture right away.

Folks stream in one after another to buy drinks, tobacco and little else. I’m shocked there’s so much foot traffic and predict it’ll die down between 2 and 6am when alcohol sales are banned. Some see me and laugh or look concerned. Others pointedly stare straight ahead and sneak glances. I’m glad to blend in as a fly on the wall, then insulted that no one is asking about my groundbreaking exposè. After awhile, I resent them all for bogarting Tom. Turns out I should’ve considered not giving this man an unsolicited volunteer job while he’s already on the clock. At least he seems unbothered.

I reach into my purse. My phone has been on silent all day. I see several missed calls from Kevin at the apartment, and texts asking why I’m at the store with my laptop. I start to call but look up to see him approaching. He barges in, pauses while I stand to explain- “This is a project!”- then walks over to Tom, who’s mopping in the back corner. I stay put, stunned by the most non-confrontational person I know. I hear Tom say, “Hey, boss...it’s okay, boss...hey, boss” and nothing else. Kevin exits without stopping; this time I follow and yell. “Talk to me, not him! This is so unprofessional!” He turns and speaks with restraint. “Lauren, this is weird.” He walks away with “Enjoy and be safe.”

I’m pissed. If I were a surgeon, would he crash the operating room and start cutting? How dare he bother an interview subject? Now Tom stands across from me with an incredulous smile. “He kept saying, ‘That’s my girlfriend and it will never happen. It will never happen.’” I can’t believe my ears and apologize profusely. Tom says he promised he’s a good guy; nothing bad is going on. I keep saying sorry on Kevin’s behalf. Then it hits me. Maybe I should’ve filled him in a little more before rushing out for this harebrained assignment, and I’m a teensy bit responsible. I confess, “Yeah, I’m sorry. I kinda didn’t tell him exactly what I was doing or why.” Tom stares. “...You should have.”

I sit down and lean back as Tom returns to his work. I relish the lack of customers and replay what just happened, angry at myself but also at Kevin for assuming I was ignoring him on purpose and too irrational to speak with onsite. But seeing him charge forward with such steely determination was kinda hot. And I’m relieved Tom didn’t laugh in his face for implying he might attempt a tryst. Wait. Did I subconsciously orchestrate all of this as a sick ploy for attention? Did I secretly need to be chased and claimed in public? Nah. I like to be in full control of my humiliations. Occam’s razor- I’m just selfish and impulsive. I go back to taking notes.

I notice a very large man buy baked Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and am impressed by the healthy choice; I’d never gamble $1.69 to find out they’re not as tasty. One customer asks if they have chocolate-covered strawberries (no), then pays for his ice cream and water with half-card, half-cash. A middle-aged drunk guy runs in after his lady friend and stops to point at me, asking why “this bitch is in the corner.” When he yells at the woman to hurry, a younger guy squares up and mocks him for trying to start a fight in the store. They all leave. I ask Tom if that sort of thing is common. He nods.

Business slows again and we get to talk more, ice fully broken by the tense moments we’ve just survived. Tom works nearly all week and commutes from a suburb 30 miles away. He sleeps, eats, and showers for work while at home, leaving “no time for videogames.” Tom is Sikh and from Punjab, but he’s been here most of his life. He’s saving himself for marriage in India, where his parents live and will one day arrange his match. His wife will have to show that she’s been playing intense sports if she knows her hymen will be missing before the moment of truth on their wedding night. Tom avoids temptation with American girls and constantly imagines what it’ll be like with his very nervous new wife. I tell him it’s good he has reasonable expectations; an awkward start won’t mean they’re not a good fit. I’m still with my first love, so anything’s possible.

Tom asks if my boyfriend keeps me up at night “giving me headaches,” needing “one more glass of water or one more thing to eat.” I laugh and say I like cooking but not late or on-demand. When I reveal I’m 33, Tom asks why we don’t have children. I say I’m still trying to grow up, that I left another job a few months ago, that I can only handle my little dog for now and have been trying to reset in general. He dismisses my excuses and says children are the most important thing, so I should have them right away no matter what. Why wouldn’t I want to “make life happier?” He turns wistful, tugs at the air and asks me to imagine “little babies crying ‘Mommy, Mommy, I’m hungry!!’” He snaps out of it and asks, “Won’t that be great?!” I wonder how such a stressful thought can be his go-to parenting daydream.

In the middle hours, Tom greets soft drink delivery trucks, stocks shelves and plays prayers aloud from his phone. I hold myself in the cold and rock back and forth. I enjoy listening to the chants without talking. Tom listens everyday for hours, probably why he’s so calm. I make a mental note to meditate more as I abandon the notes in front of me about which brand of cigarettes each customer is buying. I can no longer keep track, and nothing matters anymore.

Suddenly, what has felt like infinity becomes the home stretch. It’s 4:30. I’m more tired than I would be at this hour in bed, scrolling, tapping and dreading another day. Tom is visibly more drained as he powers on, handling paperwork, odds and ends. I can’t believe I let him watch me vacation at his labor site in hopes of finding some big scoop when the most dramatic scene was one I regrettably helped bring about.

It’s almost 5am. Tom leans on the counter for a moment of rest and asks me when I plan to leave, then repeats the question when I don’t hear. He says I don’t have to stay until 6. I take the hint and start packing up. He’s been kind and welcoming for longer than I should ever expect but he’s reached his limit. I thank him repeatedly and leave without ceremony. While crossing the street, I fear he was testing me and now he thinks I couldn’t cut it in the final hour.

I get home and walk little Dmitri, send him to bed and crawl into my own. I curse myself to sleep, planning to trash my notes like always, since just sitting there under the fluorescent lights was enough to dull my curiosity into anticlimax. I’m not a reporter. I’m an asshole for not having to go back there tomorrow. I pestered Tom on his own turf for nothing- what a bother and a waste, like everything else in life. Stupid idea; failed mission. Maybe this is the exhaustion talking?

But I feel the same way the next day and for several days, until Kevin goes to get coffee and sees Tom again. He apologizes for how he acted that night, for making rude assumptions. Tom readily forgives, saying he would have done the same thing with such little information. They share a hug at the counter. As Kevin recounts it, I almost cry imagining that hug. Now I can justify every moment leading up to it. Stoic bearded guy is a real person to us both; one less stranger in our ‘hood! Nevermind that the hug wouldn’t have been necessary without my reckless behavior, or that Tom is no more excited to see either of us now than he ever was before, or that things have returned to normal and it might as well have never happened, or that I won’t be invited to Tom’s wedding and we’re not friends, or that I’m not a big people person anyway, or that I could still be in trouble if that whole thing was indeed illegal. It still feels like something new, anyhow.

#essay #writing #convenience #shift #overnight #graveyard #work #interview #store

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nomenace · 6 years

Text

no menace

NO MENACE

I remember this day in detail from start to finish, the same way I remember most days, and I will share the facts with you here. The summary, because I feel it's disrespectful to the severity of this subject to bring anyone through the stress of a long, detailed story without first cutting to the point, is that not only did I not assault this person or any person but I also did not endeavour to disregard their boundaries, needs or communications at any point. I never knowingly violated consent (that qualifying adverb necessary only because I intend to respectfully regard M’s account as a good-faith telling of their experience, just as I trust my own) but acted in what I believed was careful if heady responsiveness to my partner in an unexpected intimate encounter initiated by M. To hear that this was not their experience was shocking, vertiginous, nearly impossible to metabolise, especially as the language online morphed from the already patently false “assault” to “rape”; neither descriptor having any place in a retelling of this evening. Though I know that declarations of my own character have no way of being externally verified except through my actions, which I will endeavour to lay out for public scrutiny, I must here personally affirm the essential nature of autonomy and consent. The violence of knowing boundary-violation, the usurpation of commandment over your own body, these are unacceptable wrongs. In all intimate encounters that I am blessed to experience, I seek to proceed based on the signals I receive from my partner.

The Events of That Day

I fly into Denton, Texas early, around 2pm and loaded into the venue where I am greeted by the day staff. I eventually settled into the venue’s greenroom to plan my set and go over the managerial details involved with this first leg of the tour. I wind up making many trips up and down the stairs from the greenroom to the main room, handling various gear set up on stage and merch table business; the room is still sparsely attended with early-arrivers. By my 5th or so trip up and down I have become conspicuously aware that the person sitting at the table just at the foot of this stairwell is staring more consistently at me than anyone in the room; a fond smile on her face, seeming eager to engage. This is “M”. As the crowd grew and the proximity borne of limited space necessitating a polite acknowledgment of one’s fellow human looking directly at you with pleasantness, I say “Hello” to her and her entire table of friends. This leads to conversation with them; they invite me out to their car to smoke and I, fresh off a TSA search, agree. As the openers played their set inside, we engaged in high-minded small talk. I enjoyed their company; they were warm, clever and kept the pace of their amusing quips rapid. It was a positive connection. M and I exchanged numbers before we all parted ways.

The show itself went fine except for my own blundering of my tour manager duties, neglecting to coordinate properly with the person whose floor had been my intended bed for that night, leaving me stranded at 2am in a sunset town with no hotels. I texted M for some intel (because she seemed like the proverbial homie), explaining that my lodging plans had fallen through and inquiring about anything at all that could possibly be open in town at this hour (the internet having yielded nothing) where I could wait out the handful of hours until my flight. She volunteers that she lives near the airport and agrees to “adopt” me for a few hours, offering to pick me up as she was still out and about. The text exchange was 100% platonic and lightheartedly friendly, in no way leaning towards a suggestion of anything more than shelter for enough time to hopefully get a REM cycle in before the next leg of my journey to Canada in the morning. It wasn’t until she picked me up and I, along with my tour-bus-of-one (large, heavy bags of various metal music cubes, equipment, merchandise and luggage) were loaded up and driving towards her place that she let me know that her roommate or a friend might come by later (it was already almost 3am).

Assuming that I would be sleeping on a couch, I thought little of this announcement; thinking they would be doing their thing in their room/space and she was letting me know that people would be coming and going as I slept, no problem. Had I known explicitly what that would wind up meaning for our sleeping arrangement, I would have taken exception to the generous offer as I was thoroughly spent and desperately in need of sleep. Better to half-sleep in an airport like a mother bird over my equipment than to go knowingly into the space that it would later turn out had already been imagined for at that point.

I unloaded the car and squeezed in half-steps into the Denton flat. Exhausted and ready to power down, the first thing I do when I enter the door is put my stuff down next to the couch that I imagine I will be sleeping on; it is to the right of me. Here is where I got the key surprise of the evening... M says that I can’t stay in the living room as her friends would need the space buuut that there was room in her bedroom for me... I take 5 steps forward and find myself looking into a tiny bedroom, a bedroom so small and cluttered that I can not only not see the floor but can’t imagine that my stuff and two people could fit in such a space.

I regret not being more proactively inquisitive about the offer of shelter over text now of course, but at no point was it made clear to me that I would be sharing a small bed with this person in a room where sleeping on the floor was not an option.

...but I went with it because I am easy going and road-tested, even though I was not looking forward to being trapped in a box.

So I squeeze my one-man-band of bags and limbs into the space capsule of a room and find that the only place I can go, or put myself, is the bed. The door is shut behind me. This entire time, our conversation is being lead by her post-show euphoria and my subtle but increasing uneasiness, but still we are fully engaged and enjoying each other’s company. I can hear that multiple people are arriving and she continuously leaves the room and comes back, closing the door behind her everytime and not once inviting me out into the living room. I’m not sure who all is out there but I believe I spot one of the people we were sitting in the car with before the show during one of M’s trips in and out of the room. It’s uncomfortable but I’m going with it, grateful for the kindness and willing to follow her lead in her space without indulging in complaints or voicing my unease, fully aware that she has gone out of her way to help me out of a travel crisis. I have to go to the bathroom but somehow feel distinctly from her cues that it would be unwelcome for me to go into the living room, so I repress the urge. She offers me weed and then, as I sit on the edge of her bed smoking, fully clothed, she takes off her pants, now down to a blue street fighter tee and underwear. This surprises me, as I wasn’t planning on seeing her in any state of undress or exploring the option of a potential romantic entanglement. Another women at the show offered to take me home with her earlier in the evening in an explicitly sexual context but I politely declined; not even thinking about it twice, as I was just not interested in seeking out intimacy that night for multiple reasons. I point this out because I take deep exception to the sex-crazed demon I would read me as in M’s statement if I didn’t have the advantage of being there. I am merely single, compliant and open, my nature being more inclined towards going with the flow than not (this has always been the safer choice for me and thus has become my instinct) and this was a lovely person to boot(relative to the region) with whom I seemed to share sympathies and interests. I’m still sitting on the foot of the bed and she gets in next to me, laying down onto her stomach and rolling up against my body, draping her leg onto me. This is the first physical contact between us. I touch her and she leans into my hand in a slow gyration, pushing sensually into my palm; I move my hands up to her butt and she looks back at me grinning sweetly, smiling directly into my eyes. I continued to massage her legs, butt and lower back, never touching her genitals or chest at any point in our time together. At no point does she freeze or physically disengage. She continued to use body language to communicate her appreciation of the massage. She would later text me fond recollections of these moments and of the entire encounter. As we cuddled, she said that she has slept with a friend of mine, a confession that I interpreted as considerate, as maybe she thought I would be hurt if I were to find this out after we were any further intimate with each other. I would do the same thing. I paused for the conversation, assuring her that this did not bother me, thanking her for letting me know.

After this break in the intimacy for some adult conversation, she goes back out to the party with her friends again (all I can hear is music and laughing), returning shortly to climb back into bed in the same position she was in before and we continued cuddling. We are both touching each other when I moved to undress myself and the back of her hand brushes against my penis. She lets me know that she doesn’t want to escalate in this way by shaking her head and pulling her hand out from between our bodies. I apologise and immediately redress myself, and we return to the simple cuddling that we had already been consensually engaged in. We then settled into bed in a position for sleeping, touching still, both lamenting our super early mornings in conversation, speaking fondly to each other.

I fell asleep and awoke two hours later, making sure not to wake M as I left for the airport. We would discuss that moment of my tentative escalation over text the next day as well, me apologising for getting too excited in that moment. I believed I was acting in line with a mutual escalation of intimacy. The moment it was clear that she wanted things to remain at the level they were, I complied happily, responding to her and apologising for my assumption. I regret not discussing/getting confirmation for that assumption aloud first, for example by saying “Would you like me to get undressed / would you like to go further?”, etc.

This telling of the evening’s facts might be a rebuttal to any implication of my ill-intent, but I know that intent and perception/reception are often incongruous in human interaction and I do not wish to invalidate M’s perception or experience. I am deeply sorry that she experienced any negativity during time spent with me as I would never knowingly inflict that on another person or feel entitled to the exertion of my will at the expense of their discomfort.- There are things in her account that are objectively untrue and not subject to perception, but I don’t feel that they are all worth outlining here. She would later tell me over text that she had been drinking heavily that entire night, presumably every time she went out to the party in the living room with her friends? I had no idea at the time that she was in such a state as I didn’t see any of this drinking, nor did she mention it or seem anything other than sober. One example of the incongruity that I will mention is her specific claim that she offered me a “pillow and blanket for the couch”, suggesting that she was hinting that I go sleep on it. This is untrue and also impossible as the couch was my first desire and remained explicitly unavailable to me for all of the 2-3 hours of my time there; occupied as it was by people and circumstances that were never fully explained. She also indicates that she missed an appointment the next morning because of our encounter and an article on the matter said she couldn’t leave her room the next day but text messages she sent me show that she “bailed” on the event intentionally and that she “got other important things done instead”. Our text conversation after this evening was sweet and positive, characterised by M sending sexual pictures and selfies as well as fond recollections of the time we spent together. The only indication of anything even vaguely negative in our text exchange was my apology for my over-excitement in that fleeting moment, an apology to which her response was “I was excited too”.

Before this written telling of the perception of my ill-intent on this night were brought to me, my psychic limitations were already splintering this year (under the weight of unrelated forces that I have hinted at but will discuss at a later date) and I just didn’t have the spoons to know how to engage with this accusation of crimes that I did not commit. There are further aspects to this that I don’t feel are appropriate to go into in this statement but I will take this opportunity to apologise to my fans for taking so long to be able to tell my story. I wish I could have addressed your concerns sooner.

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sunflowereviews · 4 years

Text

When the character doesn’t kill

So it’s Monday, 12AM. I have to get up and go to school in seven hours.

(T＿T)

Me at the thought of having to go to school:

◑.◑

You see what I did there!!

I just gave you a hint about what I’m going to talk about in this post ;)

Donten ni Warau, also known as “Laughing Under the Clouds.” I don’t think it has an official English translation so obviously, my broke butt is reading scans B) the scans are of aggressively high quality so you’ll be fine (v^ー°)

I actually haven’t finished it yet. I’m on chapter sixteen.. thirteen chapters left!!

Remember that one post I made about how I spoiled something extremely important about a manga I was reading and then paused it so I could forget? This is the one. I don’t know if I mentioned the name of the manga in that post, so if I didn’t, now I have.

That’s all I’m going to talk about for this, LOL.

NEXT!!!!

Remember in one of the previous posts, I talked about wanting to catch up with One Piece before it reached the 1000th chapter or something like that? But I wasn’t interested so I’d probably have to force myself or something like that? Well...

I suddenly got a huge urge to read it so I did. At that point, I had already read thirty-one chapters so I was just a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit closer to get caught up. My school library is up-to-date with the latest volume so I’m borrowing books from them. Unfortunately, I can only borrow five books at a a time so I can’t take out all ninety-two volumes.

I can’t just go into the library and take out and return books as I like. I have to email the librarian and then she delivers the books to my classroom. She goes around certain parts of the school everyday for a whole week collecting them for returns. Fortunately, there is a return slot near the library so I can just return them whenever I want instead of waiting for her to come around to my section of the school at the end of the school week.

I finish the five volumes very quickly so I go online and read them. The first set I asked for were volumes six to ten. I read volumes eleven to fifteen on my laptop so I requested for volumes sixteen to twenty for tomorrow.

I’m really enjoying One Piece. One issue I have is school. School takes up my entire life so I don’t have much time to read One Piece. I have to wait until the weekend to read manga but that makes it also impossible to catch up before the 1000th chapter.

When I was reading Bleach, I stayed up until 330AM because:

It was quarantine so I could sleep in and not worry about school

I was capable of staying up that late

Now, I have to worry about sleeping on time so I don’t fall asleep during class and I am no longer capable of staying up past 1230AM. Past that, my brain doesn’t receive anymore information and all hope is lost. So, I’m going to train myself to stay up to 3AM so I can spend time reading One Piece and catch up quickly.

I like One Piece. I don’t know if I really like it but I’m only 136 chapters in so we’ll have to see. I currently do not have a favourite character, I was really excited to meet Nico Robin and I think I did but I am not sure, and the humour is great.

One thing that really bothers me- and this has always bothered me- is that Luffy doesn’t kill. I can’t stand it.

It’s the same with Tsuna (KHR!). These people are leaving the enemy alive and giving them another opportunity to return and attack. This makes me ESPECIALLY upset when there is a weak and helpless third party involved that is being protected by the main character. You’re leaving the weak and helpless third party vulnerable to more attacks from the antagonist!! It really salts my apples and lessens the chance of them becoming my favourite character.

KILL THE DARN BAD GUYS, MAIN CHARACTERS!!

Okay, rant over. (｀ε´) Here’s fat Luffy for your wallpaper, I laughed for a looong time at this:

Thanks for reading!! （＞ｙ＜）

-Taiwan

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shazyloren · 7 years

Text

The Dragon Club: Chapter 15: Life and Death

Summary: Jon Snow is an online blogger who gets an interview with the sort after Daenerys Targaryen, the Editor of Valyrian, a multi-million dollar fashion magazine. He’d heard so much about the silver-haired and silver-tongued woman and the running of her business; he would have to be smart to get anything more than five minutes. Will he be safe walking into the Dragon’s lair or will he get thrown to the Lions?

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12018519/chapters/27571629

-----

Jon arrived at the hospital with his mind racing.Talisa was still not dilated enough to go to the Delivery room so they were sat in the waiting room counting down until it was time. It meant he had time in his head to think over what happened. Did they kiss? No they hadn't, but they nearly had. He'd wanted to; and she may have done also. He was unsure of her feelings on that part.

Curse you, Daenerys Targaryen, he thought bitterly as his head became fuzzy. Why had she affected him in such a manner? Her violet eyes were in his mind; bright and glistening as they danced like flames while they looked at him. He lips were plump and uttering things to him; things he wished he could hear them say in real time. But for all the panic that had set inside him and the longing which growled like a wolf chasing a lamb; he was shocked more than anything.

Shocked that he'd allowed himself to not keep his feelings in check. He should've never gone to that party; should never gone to the interview. He was in over his head with a woman who he found to be selfish and sometimes desperate to hold control. He knew there was more to her than that; he knew she was compassionate when it suited and that she was full of grit and determination. But she was not his type; he liked wild, free spirited women. And she was controlled and uptight. So why was he feeling this way about her? Why was he playing everything over in his mind?

"How was your dinner?" Arya mumbled as she tried to get comfy on one of the chairs as they waited. She was tired; they'd been there nearly three hours now and Arya didn't like doing nothing. But there it was; the loaded question Jon had still been trying to figure out for himself. How had the dinner gone?"

He's made wrong impressions by winding Daenerys' keys to the point she broke and divulged the information on Doreah. He'd grumbled his way through dinner after being badgered about his family life; Daenerys had got one back on him for that. He'd subtly flirted with her and was taken on a tour in which they flirted some more. He'd eaten good food and joined in with good conversation. It was an eventful evening but still marred by the strange ending in the corridor. The part he kept playing over and over in his mind. She'd been right there, her lips had been puckered and Jon didn't kiss them, he didn't give them what they wanted, or what he believed they wanted.

What could he even say to Arya? He couldn't say much of the dinner without giving his true feelings away, could he? "It was... interesting"

"Interesting... Is that it?" She raised and eyebrow. Shit, Jon muttered, why does she read me so well?

"Er... yes, why?" Jon said coolly, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

"You look like a frightened rabbit" Arya chuckled. Jon could feel his face heat up; was he blushing? No, Jon Snow didn't blush! He brooded and tried to look as mysterious as possible. Arya's eyes went wide as they surveyed him. What was happening to him? Why was he acting like a school boy seeing his first crush in the playground? "did something happen?"

"No, it was just... odd" Jon tried to keep collected. Arya squinted as she didn't quite believe him. "The company that she keeps; her friends, all employees"

"You mean she has no friends outside of work?" Arya was playing along and Jon was grateful, there was no need for her to know everything that happened, especially the hallway part. "That's sucky"

"What's sucky?" Gendry had come back and was holding some brown paper bags. He'd gone to the local store and gotten everyone sandwiches and drinks to eat; no one wanted hospital food. "Here"

"Thanks, Gendry" Jon muttered as he opened to see and egg and cress sandwich with a banana and some crisps inside. There was a bottle of water too. "Just talking about the dinner this evening"

"I was wondering why you were dressed so formal" Gendry sat down next to Arya who chowed down her Ham and Tomato sandwich. She was obviously hungry and Jon dare thought they'd be here a little while longer. "So it wasn't the best then?"

"Oh no the dinner was fine" Jon sunk into his chair to get comfy. "Just... she doesn't have any friends that doesn't work for her, it was a little strange. They were nice people, very nice, but there was just something so formal about it. When we all hang out, us three, Sam, Hotpie and Lommy... It's always informal; we go out and get drunk; we go out for dinner or we slob in our clothes and watch movies until 3am. They have a formal dinner once a week and that's... it"

"She's a busy woman; she works 14 hours a day Sansa told me" Arya shrugged. Jon wondered what she was thinking, if she suspected Jon's feelings, his inner thoughts. "Just like you Jon. When did you last see Sam?"

"He's not in the country, Arya" Gendry laughed. "Dumb Ass"

"Don't call me a Dumb Ass, Mr. I don't know how to cook eggs properly" Jon rolled his eyes. Knowing they'd now be bickering for ten minutes or so he decided to eat the Sandwich Gendry had provided. He was still relatively full from the dinner he'd had five hours ago so he knew he wouldn't eat much of it. But it was necessary to ignore them and go back to the thoughts in his mind.

I've seen your limit pushed many times; it's fun. Maybe one day I could push your limits in a different way

Why did he say that? Why had he shamelessly flirted in such a bold way, it had just complicated everything and now as he sat on a small hospital chair waiting for news on his niece or nephew, it was all he thought about. I'd like that, she'd said back. Why she being serious? was she teasing? or was she playing him; making him fall for her charms and didn't actually feel that way.

No, she did feel something, he knew so. She'd gasped when their hands had slightly touched in the Guest room. She'd felt the Jolt and Zap of the electricity running through their hands when they brushed together. In the hallway he'd felt it; that's why they'd nearly kissed. KISSED. He had nearly kissed Daenerys Targaryen and he was certain she wanted it too. But she'd stopped herself; she'd tried to regain control and made Jon look like the simpering fool.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a doctors arrival. He jolted his father awake who'd fallen asleep and eventually everyone woke up. Robb had stayed with Talisa up until now. Everyone gathered and listened to the Doctor, Jon was having to push Dany back and it was hard to focus. The Doctor spoke. "She'd fully dilated; we're going to move her to the delivery room"

Everyone sighed and they all became excited. It would be an hour tops now and people were so happy to finally meet the baby. They all sat back down again as the Doctor disappeared and left them to their thoughts. Meera spoke first "It's so exciting the miracle of life"

"We're not having a baby" Bran said getting nervous sweats.

"Don't be an idiot" Meera rolled her eyes. "We will once you're a psychology professor and I'm performing experiments on the human condition in like 5 years or so"

"S-sure" Bran had a look of terror on his face; only Jon found it funny. "Brother dear, last chance to back out of the bet. $50 is a lot of money to lose"

"No, it's going to be a boy" Rickon said defiantly. "I don't have $50 on me though"

"Since when do you ever have pocket money that amounts to $50?" Sansa asked incredulously.

"One of the old ladies I deliver a newspaper too tipped me $200 for always doing a good job!" Rickon exclaimed. "I've been saving my money, $50 is nothing to me"

"Perhaps you can pay my bills then, Rickon" Gendry laughed. Rickon just scowled. Everyone quietened down then, the hospital TV could only be heard as it had the news channel on. Jon was suppressing the urge to think about Daenerys; it was hard but he was trying to think of other things. He got his phone out and started to scroll through his facebook when suddenly he had a notification from twitter.

'@thedragonclub has mentioned you in a tweet'

Jon's eyes widened. He opened the tweet and stared as he read it. 'Another successful dinner evening, thanks to @TheWolfOnline for giving a second change. #I'mNotAHotHeadAllTheTime'. Jon's mind swarmed with thoughts of Daenerys. Why had she wrote this? Had she done this off her own back or had perhaps Tyrion encouraged her to do so? Had she wanted to use this as a way to make him come to her dinner again? Jon didn't know. "Oh drat"

"What is it?" Sansa asked sleepily as she leant on her father's shoulder.

"Daenerys has tweeted me again" He mumbled. Arya and Sansa shot up in excitement.

"OOOH! WHAT DID SHE SAY?" Sansa clapped a little too loudly. Catelyn glared at her until she sank back into her chair. "Never mind I'll look myself"

"Jon... She likes you, I'm sorry but she enjoyed your company this evening!" Jon knew this, but coming from his sisters there seemed an air of disbelief to it. "People need to stop using Hashtags it's really annoying"

"You're annoying" Gendry grumbled. Arya just kicked him. "But I agree; she does seem interested in you. She's probably trying to rub you up the right way so you don't make anymore horrible articles on you"

"We're way past that now, Gendry" Sansa said. "She could've come out and publically apologised for her behaviour and the nail would've been put into that coffin. But they keep running into each other and she invited him to dinner; that's not behaviour of someone who just wants a resolved conflict"

Jon retweeted it but before he could reply, their chatter was interrupted abruptly.

"IT'S A GIRL! IT'S A GIRL!" Robb came running out with such excitement and enthusiasm a nurse who was writing some paperwork nearly fell off her chair. The other's in the waiting room clapped in excitement as the Starks too cheered. Robb's curly mop was stuck to his face with sweat. Jon noticed a bruise on his hand. Talisa must've punched him once or twice; nothing's changed then.

"Dang it!" Rickon moaned. Bran just smirked at him.

"What can I say brother I have a sixth sense about this stuff!" Bran gloated.

"Or you just got lucky" Rickon grumbled. "Congrats Robb!"

"Thank you, thank you!" He was exuberant. "I think we're going to call her Lyanna, in honour of Auntie Lee-Lee"

Eddard teared up and hugged his son; it would still be a while before they could see the baby; they needed recovery before any visitors were allowed. Arya spoke excitedly as she jumped up and down. "Get ready to be inundated with tweets from me posing her in sunglasses and hats!"

"Seven hells it's started already!" Gendry moaned.

"I've already tweeted congrats!" Meera was jumping in sync with Arya. Jon decided to get his phone out and tweet. 'Welcome to the world, Lyanna Stark, I can't wait to see you! #ProudUncle' He added the hashtag just to annoy Arya.

It was a blur, the rest of the evening but it was capped off by one final notification. '@thedragonclub replied to your tweet: 'Congratulations, pass on our regards from us here at the Dragon Club'. Jon blinked. He did not know what was happening, but before he knew it he was replying. '@thewolfonline: Thank you, but please, stop calling the dinner that. It really isn't a good name!'

Ding.

'@thedragonclub: It's the best name, sweet dreams Number One fan. X'

He thought on it.

'@thewolfonline: Goodnight, Hotheaded Editor-in-chief ;)'

Oh man what would the paper's say.

#jon snow #daenerys targaryen #jon x daenerys #jon x dany #jon x dany fanfic #jonerys #jonerys fanfic #jonerysfanfic #the dragon club #au #modern au #modern setting

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spamzineglasgow · 5 years

Text

(ESSAY) “Capitalism will even alienate you from your face” by Eleri Fowler

In this essayistic meditation, Eleri Fowler taps into the strange subjectification and temporality engendered within the quest to become a ~ female worker ~ in the Neoliberal job market. Bodies, affects and identities are all at stake as Fowler moves compellingly through a curriculum vitae’s worth of feminist reference, anecdotal experience and social performance.

> Libby is LinkedIn she is linked to everyone else she is in there. She is one in a constellation. She is a cog. You must make yourself known by asserting that I am, I am, I am. It is Austinian. It is Poststructuralism. You are nothing unless you say you are. You do not exist unless you have a(n online) presence. Have you noticed how I keep switching pronouns? Your I has to become a bit less wobbly it must be robust it must be strong and stable. I am resourceful, I am driven, I am good at working in teams. I am writing in the third person. It’s a different kind of prose. These are words made dirty through circulation, furrowed bank-notes passed through the changing hands of pragmatism. I am writing in the third person. I am performing a strange kind of introspection. Enquire within. Is what I am an office administrator? Is that what I do? Is and and and is and and. Between then and then did this. Year X Role X Skills. Flexi-time. You cannot be on the commute to yourself. Instead, you must be a fully formed specimen but also a progression, developing, a narrative [Also - very bad to have gaps in your CV]. Then is it a bildungsroman? Well, where do you see yourself in 10 years? When being interviewed, you will often be asked questions you don’t have an answer for. No one knows the answer to them, they are so massive. They might as well be asking - what is the meaning of life, is it all worth it? Here now is they. Us and them. We (in good company / in a good company). In her applications,Libby is shouting at no one in particular she is boasting posturing it is so embarrassing. Orbiting yourself towards imagined employers. Scrub your social media of swearing, of references to drugs and alcohol. Fill the position. Be who they’re looking for.

> Libby cranks open her zygomaticus major and picks some lint off her shirt.

> Another step on the slalom of job hunting.

Ducking and diving. Hawking wares.

Darting in the backstreets, shiftily opening your shearling lapels and revealing all your silver watches (your goods, your credentials).

> Going around and selling … what? Your body and its functionality to make buying things easier for other people? Your back and knees to bend down and pick up low things; your arms to reach and pick up high things.

The metonym of your smile.

Offering up your selfhood, but a weird flambéed version: all the custard gloop of your multifarious self, caramelised into a hard, darkened shard. All anyone ever saw was this opaque lid.

> The journey is made on a dual carriageway and has a parallel cyber tract, traversed similarly itinerantly ‘surfing the web’.

The end point to this vagrant wandering is like the diminishing spot on the horizon during a trip down the M6 at 3am, high on energy drinks.

Meanwhile, time is fed through you like the gap-toothed centre lines below the undercarriage of the vehicle in front.

> The work when you do get it is physically demanding and requires unprecedented reserves of emotional resilience.

Such anaemic, flimsy little promises offered to the precariat.

The mechanic hand of Late-Capitalism picking them up and flippantly dropping them like a limp stuffed toy.

You should not ‘get on with’ your oppression, the correct thing to do is have a tantrum, throw your toys out of the pram. A crotchety childish response is the only logical one to a whirlpool that swirls inscrutably around you; one so complicated and entrenched it can’t be explained beyond a weary sigh “Things just are the way they are”. How do you complain about a system? [i]

> And yet.

When she miserably googles ‘Qualities That Interviewers Look For’, she is surprised so many lists prescribe ‘Optimism’.

‘It is important to develop optimism in ourselves and in the people around us, because research has shown that optimists tend to do better in many areas of their lives than pessimists. Pessimists get depressed more often; they tend to achieve less at work/school and their physical health has been shown to be poorer than optimists over time. The good news is that we can all learn to become more optimistic and the key is in controlling our self-talk.’ [ii]

And yet.

Optimism is not peppy delusion but the stalwart old sea-captain steering his ship through the sea-fog of our categorically insane moment. What future am I facing? How am I going to live? – You can’t let these questions wash over you because otherwise you will drown.

II.

> “We’re not looking for corporate clones. We like people who do things a little differently. Tell us what makes you stand out from the crowd.”

“Show off your personality! Be Bubbly! Energetic! Enthusiastic!”

> Why do they go in for the old popularity contest? How much more smoothly do charismatic, well-liked people glide through the world.

Why is there such demand for big personalities in essentially repetitive, menial jobs? Why must you have exceptional interpersonal skills to operate a point of sale system?

The pathological oxymoron ofwanting to hire ‘individuals’ and making them wear a ‘uniform’: everyone homogenised by the steam-roller of brilliant white Christmas cakeicing.

Anyway, the utterance of demeaning, subjectifying sentences howarewedoingtodayeverythinggoodhereguysgradually wears them all down into something as smooth and easy to walk over as generations of footsteps over ancient stone stairs.

Indeed, workforce is no more than an exercise in pointillism. Each valued, special, infinitesimally different member blurs into the body corporate.

> It is not lost on Libby that she has access to a particular slice of jobs because she is a good girl.

She is pretty, well-spoken, nice.

In Neoliberal synaesthesia, she would be lilac, or pale pink.

Because of this privilege, she has clearance to earn minimum wage by frying fish and chips at an annual elite tennis event, or selling custom-mixed paint, or becoming somebody’s stylish personal assistant. She is eminently employable because she has been given the social advantages to perform a particular form of palatable compliance.

Libby starts work at a purveyor of luxury footwear. A CV is instantly rejected because the individual who delivers it has a slightly abrasive manner and an imperfect dye-job. This woman has worked in lots of shops before. Libby has no previous experience.

> Customer-service is essentially femininity. But in what form? Femininity as air-bag. Muscle-memory femininity.

Femininity is saying “yes”

Femininity is absorbing all the static melodrama of the demands and vitriol of others. Taking it.

Femininity is the work of acting happy when you don’t feel like it.

> “The customer is always right” - What sort of world is governed by this moral law?

We want an easy dynamic, a dialectic.

A hollow, buffeted, maniacally happy - Wacky Waving Inflatable Tube (WO)man

III.

> All around Libby, her peers wear the livery collar of their usability

Experiences calcify into vocations. Twitter epithets accrete like zygotes. Multi-hyphenate babies.

> They attend events for ‘Women in Business’. They lament the dearth of female CEOs.

They post earnest, prescriptive Facebook statuses – urging women into action - on occasions such as International Women’s Day or on any election (“Remember the women who fought for your right to have this vote!”)

They are often beautiful.

> They put on some glitter and go out and take coke and wash their hair the next morning and post their eggs benedict on Instagram – determinedly observing these acts like social rituals. Like the rigmarole getting married.

They are unblemished by the weirdness of life. They just march on through.

They always have something to report to enquiring relatives.

They have never once in their lives stayed in bed all day in convulsive despair.

> In lots of ways, this is a perfectly valid and sensible way to get through things.

[i]Sara Ahmed on complaint.

[ii]The handbook from a motivational training course I was sent on at work.

Text: Eleri Fowler

Published 13/10/19

#essay #essays #SPAM #post-internet #CV #customer service #LinkedIn #Eleri Fowler #social media #ontology #late-modern identity #femininity #job hunting #capitalism #ideology

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erinnightwalker · 7 years

Note

All aesthetic asks that you haven't answered? :D

O.O Good lord XD

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? In the car coming home from work today

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? What people really think of me

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? My writing. It seems to help people, which is all I can ask for.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? This incredible person materialized out of the vast blue sea and offered to catch hummingbirds with me.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Yeah. Bucket list protocol from when I had cancer would kick in and I would nail all I could.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? 1) visit Ireland and the Isle of Mann extensively. At least a month on each. 2) get massively stoned on weed. I’ve never tried it, and I kinda wonder what the hype is about, y’know? Bonus points if I can do it with a certain band. 3) Get at least 2 of my sexual fantasies fulfilled. If I’m going to die, I again wanna know how it feels, instead of acute frustration XD

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. Already answered!

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? I didn’t know enough to know it was bad. I hid in books, mostly. And who doesn’t exit childhood with moderate to severe emotional crippling, I mean really.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? Technically? Last night, but they didn’t know. When the audience knew? Couple months back, when I ripped the last little shred of hope out of my heart and gave it to them.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. Honestly? either you or @thistlebackedwulver . I feel like you two would enjoy it, and not get bored 10 minutes in and play on your phone instead.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? I could have the conversation, but I don’t open up unless I feel comfortable with the person.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? Months ago, and a good friend online.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? “I will always love you”, and to my beloved. Which is cheating because there’s more than one, but idgaff

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? Beautiful. Not as flashy as some, true, but once you look deep you’ll be lost.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. Also already done!~

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? Dear God Why Did You Waste The Ink On This Freakshow; and other stories.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? Buy a large house and huge parcel of land; must have forest and water features, preferably with private beach. Retrofit house into castle. Outfit at least one housetruck. Set up space for all of my beloved to have a happy home base, should they chose. Set up green house. Set up garden. Library. Barn with assortment of animals. FUND ALL THE CROWDSOURCING CAMPAIGNS. Buy an edition of Viridarium Umbris, dammit. Buy various obscure and expensive books. ART SUPPLIIIIIIIIES. Build a cave. Build a standing stone circle. And travel. And invest in a decent money management agent so maybe I grow that remnant of a billion at the end into a self-sustaining monetary biome.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? I can be. Sometimes its a good thing. Sometimes I’d rather gag on that maggot-infested cheese they make in the Mediterranean.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. Spend time with grandma, you'll lose her oneday. Stop crushing on him, he'll break your heart without ever seeing you'rethere. Keep up with the academics, you're good at them and it will pay off.Silver Ravenwolf is not the greatest author, try a different one. Maybe spend alittle time with more art stuff other than the dragon people and the fairies?Writing's good, keep on keepin' on. Remember that you have power- the futurefootball team cowers, those older than you are not stronger. When you hit highschool fuck running, go for the conditioning class. And careful of the legpressmachine, it'll try to break your knees.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk, I hope. Not very pastel here.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. They’re fine. I would actually like to get them, but I fear and abhor needles.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? No, but I’d like to. My jobs are too physical to permit much.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls. First time I felt represented positively in a song. (My ass and hips are a weapon of destruction. I have knocked more things off, over, and around than I can remember....)

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. Also already answered.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. I have never been to any, and that makes me sad.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? Not telling, because I don’t need to cry again.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? I have one at one of my jobs, and it’s unorganized to the casual observer. I find my shit quite well though.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? Get home. Tumblr. Read a little, if I can. Strip and go to bed. If I can’t sleep, Final Fantasy Brave Exvius on the phone til I conk out.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? My actual orientation. I’d get disowned.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? Something obnoxiously bright. Cut my hair to about 3 inches long again all over and have bright-ass Shirley Temple curls, because I fucking could.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? @thistlebackedwulver @tomdinky @thegodthief @rootandrock and my friend Luci. Start at the Winchester Mystery House, because that’s just beautiful and fun and spoopy, and then wander to a couple other fun places. Probably hit Frisco too, there’s a lovely spot near Seal Beach that is wonderful.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. Again answered ^_^

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. I’m rather fond of the goth cat girl I ran one year. Hot Topic chain pants, purple cheetah print silk dress, ears and tail, and fancy makeup.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? Never really been either. Closest I came was mildly tipsy on screwdrivers, and I didn’t really do anything.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? Murder of the innocent.

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? Person. If I like them, yay! If I don’t like them, I can ignore them with music.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love. Yes. Like you’re warm and soft and happy, and falling but you don’t care because they are there and they’re falling with you and catching you and its wonderful. Until they drop you.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? I kept my head shaved during chemo. Bald I look like Uncle Fester. I can live with about a inch or so, though I have the urge to punch the folk that make disparaging remarks. The longer it gets the more curly until you get about 5 or 6 inches and the Shirley Temple Curls pull long under their own weight. If I trim it right I get sausage roll curls, and then I have to try really hard not to bite the strangers that twoinge them in passing.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? Did this one too.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? The hope of eventual freedom.

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