Eddie having a little giggle teehee moment in the background listening to buck and hen and chim be idiots is actually so special to me
256 notes
·
View notes
“I will follow you into the dark…”
“If there′s no one beside you, when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark. (…) The time for sleep is now. But it′s nothing to cry about, ‘cause we′ll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms.” (“I will follow you into the dark” by Death Cab for Cutie)
Trigger warning: My thoughts of despair can be quite dark. If anyone has difficulties with reading these things, please skip the next five paragraphs.
I’m struggling with ME/CFS for 1,5 years now and my life, as I knew it before, has changed drastically. Damn, I’ve lost so much…so much I’ve taken for granted, although my life wasn’t easy before this disease, either.
The small things in life, which have always felt so naturally, are gone for me. Driving my car, being active with my three children, going to work, taking care of my household, meeting my friends and family, making a phone call, taking care of myself, watching TV, listening to loud music, reading more than just a few pages of a book, drinking a glass of wine, leaving the house or even my dark room in general….everything was just taken from me by this fucking bitch of a disease, called ME/CFS!
I feel so stupid for having regarded these things as a matter of course….and I would rather relinquish the things I’ve gotten instead: The pains, the fevers, the lack of orientation when I’m leaving my darkness, the fatigue, the brain fog, the disability of comprehending things, the hypersensitivity to dealing with noises and lights, the lack of understanding from others…the list seems to be endless.
Every little thing too much results in another “crash” of my disease…and it’s getting worse every time. I’ve lost some friends over this period of time, my children have lost their active and funny mother and on some days, I’m trying to fight the thought away, that I’ve lost the sense of purpose in my life.
It’s only going downhill from here…further down into the darkness, which is now the only stability in my life. I’ve lost the grip on myself…the understanding of who I really am. What is left of myself?
Sure, I still haven’t lost my sense of sarcasm and my rather dark humour. I’m also sure, that I’m still an empathetic person, who’s interested in other’s thoughts and feelings. And maybe that’s exactly, what I should rely on. These are parts of my personality, which this goddamn disease ME/CFS hasn’t stolen from me.
The other thing, no one, not even ME/CFS, could ever take from me, is my love for Severus Snape. Since 21 years, I’m clinging to him, letting him comfort me and console my troubled heart and soul. He’s the one, who’s following me into the dark…being my unwavering companion in these rough times.
When I commissioned @madfantasy for this stunning piece of art, we’ve talked a lot about the meaning behind it. Mani, my dear friend, I’m beyond grateful for your understanding of the feelings, which I wanted to express with this artwork. I’ve never met anyone else in my entire existence, who had the ability to grasp every nuance of my emotions, transforming them into something so powerful…so creative…so beautiful!! You are such a gem of a soul and my heart swells with joy for being counted as your friend. I’m sending you my love! 🖤🖤🖤
🖤 Severus & Julia 🖤
99 notes
·
View notes