#he was so tired of having to provide talk therapy why do you think he started adding kink questions?
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yk how we're always like "oh it would've been so nice if hannigram got together in season one" cause we wanted Hannibal to comfort Will through the horrors but I don't think he would have, cause he was pretty dismissive of Will's concerns already as it was, imagine if he was free to say what he truly wanted to say, I think it would've been something like:
Will: I feel crazy, I'm not okay, something's wrong with me
Hannibal: you're fine bby come here. you're so so fine, no one this fine would be crazy, you're okay, moving on, I was thinking knife play tonight what do you think?
#his comfort would be to caress Will's thighs and rub his back with fancy oils#that's what he truly wanted#he was so tired of having to provide talk therapy why do you think he started adding kink questions?#“how would you kill me? do you fantasize about it?”#hannigram#nbc hannibal#hannibal#will graham#murder husbands#hannibal lecter#mads mikkelsen
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Hey, you recently mentioned somewhere about how growing pains aren't really a thing the way we think of them in the tags about a post about taking kids' pain seriously. And i've been sitting on that ever since, as someone who had severe 'growing pains' growing up that'd take me out for days but was told to stick it out. Thing is, they never went away and despite hitting 30 soon I regularly google something like 'growing pain in 20s' with some regularity.
I've finally bit the bullet, done the doctor marathon, ended up at a rheumathologist and was like 'idk i've had pain my entire life i was told it was normal'. (Didn't go over well, but how could it have.) Despite him then noting hypermobility he's adamant hsd or heds aren't worth looking into. And now i'm sat here like. Well, was it ever growing pains?
Could you talk more about what you meant with the growing pains? My mind is not letting it go
'growing pains' is something doctors say to dismiss pain in teens and children a lot.
the fact is, yes, some children get pains that are temporary and ultimately harmless and not at all related to growing in fact we don't know why it happens
the other fact is it tends to be limited to the ages of approximately 3 to 11, yet doctors use it to dismiss pain in teenagers - who still do a lot of growing often very quickly (especially boys).
it affects mostly if not exclusively the legs (notably calves and shins) and worsens following physical activity. yet doctors will often use it to handwave away any and all musculoskeletal pain
so yes there is a type of pain children (but not really teens) can experience in their lower legs. but not a) the rest of the body b) long-lasting c) bad all the time and d) it has nothing to do with actually growing
and frankly given we "don't know" why it happens at all i'd bet decent money there actually is a cause for whatever pain happened even if it was temporary. like doing the three-legged race wrong.
edit: sorry skipped over the hypermobile part. for some people (i hate them personally) hypermobility is not painful. for most people it IS. this is for the simple fact that your ligaments and tendons (connective tissue) are too stretchy so they aren't holding your joints in place as well as they should. so you know what has to pick up your slack? your larger muscles. you know what is built for movement and not 24-7 activation to keep you assembled? your muscles. they're doing something they're not supposed to have to do, and they're doing it all the time and they are fucking tired. unfortunately (i have hypermobile EDS and didnt get diagnosed until i was 28) there is no "cure" for this. the only treatments are stabilisation - physical therapy to try and build up the smaller stabilising muscles and support garments or things like k-tape to take the load off the bigger muscles by providing external support. also massage and heat to relieve the tension and tiredness.
#that's what i mean by 'growing' 'pains' aren't really a thing#they certainly weren't why i could barely walk at the age of 16 having not grown a single fucking milimetre since the age of 13#and they aren't why your back hurts. and they aren't why your shoulders hurt
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Champion
It's been a minute, ain't it? Trying to get back in the groove. Please, accept this peace offering.
In the dead of night, the backyard had become a raucous arena and mental prison all at once.
Moonlight and stars provided just enough light to illuminate the back half of the only basketball court in the neighborhood with someone crazy enough to put up shots hours before the sun would rise. Jayson’s face and hair caught a glow as he put up a half-hearted jump shot that loudly clunked off the back iron. He cursed to himself before trotting to retrieve the basketball.
He was in an unimaginable slump. One tough game became three in a row then a full two weeks of subpar shooting numbers and growing frustration. Blaming his misfortune on a nagging wrist injury would make sense, but he didn’t want the sympathy. He wanted the win.
Across the short path leading to the house, you watched him talk his way through a reverse layup that kissed the rim but didn’t fall.
“Fuck!”
The ball was no match for his anger, receiving a hard bounce against the court before he regained control and tapped it against his forehead several times.
You stopped short of the metal gate and cleared your throat to announce your presence. “You know you have an HOA right? Those quiet hour fines are steep.”
“I’ll pay it. Wouldn’t be the first time.” He answered with his back turned to put up another missed shot. In frustration, he slapped the ball across the court before finally facing your sympathetic expression. He sighed. “I woke you up?”
“No. I had a bad dream and came out for some air.”
Jayson accepted your partial truth with a nod. He was too tired to press for more answers. The world was on his shoulders. The last thing he had energy for was extraneous conversation.
Taking a deep breath, he carefully lowered his long body to the ground. His knees rose just enough to support his elbows and heavy head in his hands. You watched him for a few extra moments before gently pushing open the gate to join him at center court.
“It’s too cold for the future Finals MVP to be hooping in a tanktop. Here. ” Your arm extended to pass Jayson a sweatshirt in hopes that he’d accept your peace offering. He accepted with no protest, his eyes never looking away from some distant spot in the night.
You let him sulk without interrupting the quiet. A few years and a couple of fiery disagreements had taught you a valuable lesson in letting him sort his feelings before stepping in with advice.
Several minutes of silence passed before finally he scoffed to himself and looked up to the sky.
“I give this shit everything I got. My heart, my body. Fuckin’ tears! None of this shit is working right now.”
“Maybe you’re thinking too hard?”
“I just wanna fuckin’ win. You know that more than anybody. I’m fighting through this shit with my wrist, taking in all the feedback while trying to block all the bullshit and I’m hitting a brick wall every time I turn around. I don’t understand why I’m doing all this if, at the end of the day, I feel like I’m being blocked from what I know I deserve.”
You watched him quietly rub a tender spot at the base of his thumb before his eyes met yours. He was searching for answers and comfort or at least something to make sense of his personal hell.
“So, give up.”
Your matter-of-fact response made him snap his head in your direction. “What?”
“Give up. If it’s giving you this much grief and you aren’t feeling up to the challenge, give up. I won’t hold it against you.”
“Man, you know I’m not doing that. I just…I don’t know. I needed to vent or something. I’m trying.”
“Aren’t we all,” you answered sympathetically. “But we do what we gotta do to get through the hard parts for what we love, right?”
“Yeah, but does it have to be this hard?”
“Would it be worth it if it wasn’t?”
A short chuckle filled the air before he diverted his eyes to a spot beyond the court.
“You can’t do the whole therapy thing for loved ones, remember? Get out my head before I call your dean.”
“Okay! Fair enough. Can I at least say that I’m proud of you?”
Jayson finally broke eye contact with the distance to look in your eyes, prompting you to scoot closer to him until your bodies were touching. He allowed you to hook your arm in his and rest your weight against his forearm before he leaned down to kiss the top of your head.
“This shit is tough,” you continued. “The late nights and long trips. The wear and tear on your body. Having to be somebody’s something at all times. Even the strongest person in the world would be exhausted. But you’re doing it. And a really fuckin’ good job at that. I’m proud of you. We’re all proud of you.”
“Thank you.” His short sentence fell from his lips in a near whisper as he sat with your words.
“But, when you’re at work, just be Jayson. Because, respectfully, nobody out there can touch you on your worst day. Except me, but that’s a different conversation.”
Your misplaced confidence coaxed a loud laugh from Jayson that grew once you stood to take a defensive stance in front of him.
“Man, what are you doing,” he asked, still amused by the sheer absurdity of you attempting to guard him.
“Oh, I’m funny to you? Check ball.”
“Nah, go inside. You just got your nails done.”
“So what! My girl makes house calls. Check ball, my boy. Hurry up before I get mad.”
Jayson studied you for a second with a fond smile before taking the short jog across the court to retrieve his best friend and worst enemy. When he returned, you were still in a full-out defensive stance and ready to take on the challenge of guarding a man acclaimed as one of the best in his profession.
He started his path toward the basket from half-court with slow dribbles and uncontrollable laughter while you swiped at the ball.
“C’mon, now. I don’t want you to get hurt. You made your point.”
“That’s crazy. I got a point but you don’t have no points. Does that make me the best player in the world or…?”
“Woooow.”
A competitive fire burned behind his eyes as he sized you up and planned his next move. For a moment, you were able to shuffle your feet just enough to keep up with his probing attack. It didn’t take long for Jayson to sense a shift in your intensity and capitalize on your lack of speed.
One quick step drove left you slightly off balance, giving him enough space to put up a stepback three that caused the net to make a loud pop once the ball went through.
“JT FOR THREEEEEEE!”
He held his shooting hand in the air for an extra second with his eyes closed to soak in your impression of the in-arena announcement. It’d been a while since he’d heard those words.
When he finally turned back to look at you, he caught your knowing smile as you folded your arms across your chest in preparation for the inevitable.
“Just, like, 30 minutes. I promise. You can time me!”
“Mhmm. Make sure you take a shower before you get back in bed.”
“You gone be up when I get in?”
His question came with raised eyebrows and a few steps forward to wrap you in a sweaty hug. You relished the tickle of his beard against your neck between quick kisses before playfully pushing him away.
“Nuh uh. Lock in. I’ll still be here when the work is done.”
“Can I hold you to that?”
“You know I’m good for it.”
A cheeky wink initiated your shared handshake and signaled that your promise was sealed no matter what. Before he could lull you back into a hug and prolong the moment, a stiff breeze woke all six of your senses and forced a loud shriek in response.
“Oh hell no. I’ll be rooting for you from the house. Keep shooting!”
Jayson watched you nearly sprint across the backyard with the ball tucked under his arm and a smile so goofy it’d be embarrassing if his friends caught him. Not willing to see you go just yet, he cupped his hands around his mouth to bid you a final good night.
“THANKS, COACH! I LOVE YOU!”
Stopping at the back door, you returned the gesture. “I LOVE YOU! JVP! JVP! JVP!”
“THAT AIN’T IT! TRY AGAIN.”
“JUST KEEP REPEATING IT. IT’LL WORK, I PROMISE!”
Once you were inside, silence blanketed the backyard again. This time, instead of racing thoughts, Jayson found a stillness as he bounced the ball between his legs. One dribble turned into another and another until he completed a crossover and midrange shot. Shot after shot hit the bottom of the net with crisp snaps.
When his legs grew exhausted, he stepped up to the free-throw line to complete his impromptu workout.
He took a few deep breaths and focused his eyes on the rim with a soft chant on replay under his breath.
-----------------------------
“This is absolutely incredible. When it looked like his team was on the brink of another Game 7, Jayson Tatum took over the game and delivered the Boston Celtics their first NBA Championship since 2008. The Larry O’Brien trophy is back in Beantown.”
“He’s the future of the league. One of the best, if not THE best small forward in the NBA right now.”
“He's not the future, Jeff. He's the right here and now. Humbly he’s one of the best players in the world. Mama, there goes that man.”
Green and white confetti rained down from the rafters, completely covering fans celebrating in the stands. Players on the court threw themselves onto one another to share the euphoria of the moment. Six games and four hard-fought quarters had led them to the ultimate goal.
Jayson stood at center court with his arms stretched and head tilted to the sky while he screamed at nothing in particular. His head felt light with pure excitement and fragmented replays of the last 48 minutes.
Finally, he’d completed the mission.
As reality began to rush through his blood, his eyes frantically searched for familiar faces in the crowd rushing toward him. The full breadth of excitement couldn’t be released until the ones he cherished most were within arms reach. He ignored every instance of his name being called in favor of pushing through the bodies littered across the space.
His family greeted him first, led by his mother beaming with pride. You quietly stood to the side for an up-close view of the small celebration. Tears and laughter became muffled in the loud environment but the love was unmistakable.
When he finally directed his attention in your direction, a rush of heat made your ears and arms tingle. Sudden shyness made you laugh nervously and tug at your jersey during his short journey to where you stood.
Jokingly, he leaned down and rubbed his sweaty forehead against yours.
“You did it,” you gushed. “You fuckin’ did it.”
“JVP,” he questioned with a silly smile.
“Oh, don’t make me do it. Because you know I’ll do it.”
Jayson’s laughter bellowed deep before he threw his head back for another triumphant scream. His joy felt like permission for others to join with no restrictions.
Stepping back, you accepted the invitation and began your new favorite chant. Participation started with a slow build. Others joined one by one then in small groups until the buzz had spread to the nosebleeds.
Standing in the center of it all, Jayson took a slow look at all the faces around him with pride swelling in his chest.
He was over the hump. Across the finish line. Atop the proverbial mountain.
A champion at last.
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Line-up ref sheet for the cast! I’ll provide a summary of each character. Under the cut is the lore for the game, Epicenter.
Mitch: mid 20’s - he/him trans man - demiromantic ace spec - Easy going but reclusive guy. He’s on the autism spectrum and doesn’t go out of his way to appease people or make friends. He’s a delight to be friends with, it just has to be Bonds of Proximity friends (the kind you form by going to school, working, or living with someone). He has bouts of paranoia and dissociation. This is why Bax targeted Mitch the hardest; Bax would just have to play some ultrasounds or infrasound’s from his speakers and Mitch’s brain will do the rest. Mitch isn’t a fan of being a leader, but if forced to he will. He starts mother henning and wearing himself to wits end, though… He doesn’t like himself for doing this, but he does hold grudges towards other people and REALLY struggles to be nice and approachable when that happens.
Tex (Texico): early 20’s - any pronouns agender - questioning sexuality - in college for sculpture and art ^.^ they’re a fun, albeit eccentric, person. With friends she is happy to yap about whatever with vigor. She is the biggest video game nerd out of the friend group and has a soft spot for weird old games (like Epicenter). Shooter games are her jam. She is a “run head first into the enemies” type of player. She thinks highly of her fighting skills. Tex is usually upbeat and a big support for keeping the group happy during tough situations. When she is down, though, SHE’S DOWN… it is really hard for her to find a reason to keep going when she is beaten down emotionally. (Keep going as in finish a project or talk to her friends or finish a video game. She is in therapy for depression).
Laís: early 20’s - she/her cis - unlabeled; has little interest in dating men - Ranges from silent and sad/grouchy to happily talking with her classmates and teacher (depends on how tired she is that day). She’s good in class, though she has a few late assignments hanging over her head because of work and family. She was friends with Mitch before meeting the others. Laís is the illusive friend who pops into voice calls every once in a while. She does her own thing and doesn’t budge her head into the established friend group because she knows Mitch and that’s about it. She worries she’s seen as an outsider who doesn’t belong in the friend group because she doesn’t have the same chemistry. Laís too is a video game fan, but more so because she likes learning about American video games. She’s the kind of person to sabotage and explode her friends in shooter games, all in good fun :-). She can be stubborn at times. She puts herself before others because it’s always been how she lived. Especially in the friend group, she thinks of herself as an outsider even when the friend group makes an effort to welcome her. She can be hard to work with sometimes because of her unwillingness to compromise.
Mill (Milly/Miller): early 20’s - she/he/they Demigirl - pansexual ace spec - quiet book worm 🐛. He helps the friend group with homework as long as they can bribe him with something in return (usually random things or trinkets. Never money). He doesn’t talk a lot, even in the friend group. He feels Mitch and Tex (and sometimes Laís when she hangs out) fill the air enough with chatting. Mill is the emotional anchor of the group, able to reel everyone in if they get too heated or sad or what-not. Not to say Mill is invincible emotionally; he can lose his cool if people don’t listen to his advice. He fears he couldn’t be a good leader; he’s just a background nobody who follows people. Mill Second to Tex, Mill has good knowledge of games from the 1990’s and 2000’s. Mill was the person who brought up Epicenter to his friends.
Bax (Baxter): was trapped in a video game for nearly 26 years… - any pronouns (but Bax is referred to as He/they/it by the other characters) - unlabeled sexuality - He is… something? The extent of his influence on technology is blurry. He has full control of stuff in the Epicenter game (like a player with god mode and cheats), but he is incapable of leaving said game. Bax is hard to pin point because he is conflicting at times. He can be antagonistic or lovey dovey, he can be all up in your business or cold and distant (even disappearing sometimes). His motives are unknown to the friend group. If it wasn’t for the amnesia and mixing of scripted code into the players, the cast would have likely rejected Bax. Luckily, Bax knew that if he wanted to follow the team, he’d have to implant fake memories. The cast (apart from Mitch) are warm or Luke-warm with Bax because of the fake memories.
I honestly asked ChatGPT to spit out a half-life inspired game and I pieced together my favorite parts. I’m not a gamer so I am heavily following the well-treaded path of Half-Life 1.
The game gist is that Epicenter is a single and multiplayer game. In single player, the 4 class choices (soldier, agent, scientist, security) offer 4 different POV of the same catastrophe.
In multiplayer, the game becomes a cooperative neutral path. Compared to single player, the multiplayer game is less individual character motivation driven and more so about getting all player to the end of the game. The game adapts so even if you have 2, 3, or 4 people, it’ll be balance and accessible (ex: if someone plays as scientists then there’ll be puzzles that require him unlocking lab doors, but if no one is playing scientists then these doors would be jammed open with debris since other classes can’t unlock top secret doors).
There are aliens, but it’s more so man-made bioweapon rather than Xen/other worldly aliens. They still look freaky and unworldly because I say so.
The single player game is class-driven and show different facets of the bigger story.
Soldier: Shows how the US military came in to kill the bio weapons but also reveal the US doesn’t care if innocent people must be murdered in the process. Sometimes they go out of their way to cover up by killing witnesses. It’s similar to HL Opposing force in that you play a military goon who gets caught up in shit going south. Your character starts defecting from the military when you start being commanded to kill innocent people (are they innocent? They sure cower and scream like they are…)
Gov Agent: a reconnaissance mission to see what went wrong; Let’s the player see the unethical tests and dubious goals of the government laboratories. What was the use of the bio weapons? Was America planning to declare a war and win asap with it? The secret agent was at the facility before the catastrophe. They were originally there to smile and talk with officials about the future of the organization.
Scientist: Closest copy to Gordon Freeman’s pov. scientist just needs to get out asap. It gives the pov of the innocent people caught up amongst this all and how hard they had to fight to escape. You’re also given clearance to most of the establishment so you get to see it all. Perhaps some plot about doubting if you’re actually an innocent worker? What have you as a scientist done to help with the government’s plan for war? Do you inadvertently have blood on your hands by helping America’s thirst for more efficient war? 🤔
Security: focus is on saving others, not yourself. Wiping out enemies and solving puzzles to get NPC from danger to safe zones is key. Scientists, guards, and medics are kept alive. The guard doesn’t have clearance to everything so they must use scientists they saved to unlock doors. As they delve deeper into the establishment, you start to be horrified by it all realizing how demented the goal of this establishment really is. The player is given the option to continue saving the workers, or start murdering them all like the bioweapon beasts they exterminated.
The thing setting scientist apart from guard is that the guard is disillusioned with the government fast and is easily convinced everything was black and white malicious. The scientist on the other hand bought into this all long enough to see the grey of it all. They consider the good they could do. The needless blood as man after man is sent into war to die… Wars could end faster with bio weapons. They make medicine too! So many diseases were cured because of this laboratory. Drugs strong enough to defeat even Superbugs were invented.
I’ll stop there. :p
It’s a bleak “ooohhh gov is maybe evil! War bad” generic story but it’s good enough to be a fictional game for this story. The game is supposed to be made in the 1990’s which is far from the peak Cold War scare, but imagine this game’s message about science and war was inspired by the lingering worry from the Cold War and such.
The classes —the character arc they’re coded to follow— influences how the friend group cope with being trapped in the game. 👍
#meeks rambles#meek’s art#Bax#Mitch#mill#laís#Tex#Epicenter#depression tw#depression cw#depression#character design#half life#half life vr but the ai is self aware#hlvrai#hlvrai benrey#benrey#hlvrai benry#benry#half life vr benry#gordon feetman#okay I’ll lay off the HLVRAI tagging#this is just a heavily HLVRAI-inspired ocs story#oc story#original characters#reference sheet
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school’s over so back on the fanfic grind (a grind i have not openly shared on the internet since like. 2018), unsure if this is an idea to continue but i am thinking so hard... about the difficulties of the healing process. really gotta purge that poison
. . .
“Hello, this is… Hajime Hinata. The date is… I have no idea what the date is. It’s been 14 days, 9 hours, 47 minutes and 24 seconds since we woke up from the Neo World Program.”
“…I don’t know why I said it like that. It’s been about two weeks.”
“Uhh… I’m not sure what to say here, really. Naegi—Makoto, that is—told me this would be a good way to get my thoughts down. That way if there’s anything I forget, or anything I want everyone to know after… Well, I don’t think I can really forget anything. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could.”
“Sorry there are so many quiet gaps. I’m trying to think about what I want to say... I guess I’ll start with the facts, and we can go from there. I was the first person to wake up, and then Sonia. Kazuichi took a few hours longer, he was so… his limbs were so scarred. I could barely tell the healthy tissue apart from all of the burns and cuts. When he got out, he just kept screaming and crying, he just kept—“
“Akane was next, but she was barely a shell, too weak, so Makoto put her back under for a few more days before waking her up. She wasn’t in the pod though, we—they moved her to a hospital bed in a different room. This facility really has everything. You wouldn’t believe the scale of the medical equipment, Tsumiki would love it—“
“Basically, Akane woke up a week after Kazuichi, technically, and then we put her into a medical coma for a while. We as in… I didn’t do that. I mean, I did, but it didn’t feel like me.”
“Actually, I never feel like… me. I don’t know who me is supposed to be now. I’m still him—I mean, I’m still me—but I’m not me— fuck, this doesn’t make any fucking sense, I just can’t— Sonia, don’t touch me—“
“…”
“…I want my mom. I don’t remember the last time I wanted my mom. I don’t even… remember my mom, anymore.”
“…Patient 5, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko. We plan to wake him from his induced medical coma today, following complications from his enucleation operation directly after awakening from pod sleep. There was an infection at the area of operation and I deemed it too dangerous to continue until it was cleared. Naegi had some objections, but his background is not medical, and does not always need to be taken into account. Patient 4 will simply have to wait.”
“He still has the damn thing.”
“…they all do.”
“Alter Ego, end recording.” Hajime slumped back against his chair, bringing a hand up to push his hair back. It was a newly acquired habit, one always accompanied by the feeling of missing something, like there wasn’t enough hair to run through his fingers. He hated it. Hated thinking that it wasn’t newly acquired at all, that whoever he was in the past few years did it all the time.
That hadn’t gone nearly as well as he’d liked. These voice diaries were supposed to be records so they could explain things easier to the others once they all woke up, something to jog their memories. Privately, he was sure that Makoto had asked him to make them more for his own sake, as if they’d help somehow with all of the different thoughts running through his brain all of the time. If he spoke them out loud, then somehow they’d disappear. It was the compromise they’d settled on after Hajime had refused to attend Future Foundation-provided therapy. Most of the time they turned out exactly like this, not suitable for anyone’s ears except his own.
Makoto was an idiot. Talking about it wasn’t going to stop the constant streams of thought in his brain, analyzing every thing and every action around him, picking apart the movements of his friends and their slight changes in tone, detecting every potential threat and every potential weapon for killing someone—fuck.
He was so tired of dreaming up all the ways people could die. His rare moments of sleep were already haunted by spears and giant Tetris blocks, by fire and poison and terrified faces. He didn’t need more deaths on his mind, constant echoes of terrors of his own creation.
Sitting up properly, he stretched his arms out before standing up to examine his half of the room. At least two people kept watch in the pod room at all times, waiting for anyone to wake up next and making sure nobody died. It reminded him of the hospital in the simulation, someone always watching over Akane and Ibuki and—
An alarm beeped and Sonia, on the other end of the room, startled awake in her own chair. She had stayed on that side after Hajime shoved her away earlier, eventually drifting to sleep by Gundham’s pod. It was the one she stared at the most, blue eyes alight with grief and fury, even if she wouldn’t admit it. She was better off than Hajime, at least. One of his eyes stayed empty. Makoto had warned him that she shouldn’t be allowed to spend so much time with Gundham, but he could never bring himself to pull her away. Clearing his throat, he waited for the former princess to look up towards him.
“Shift change. You should go sleep in an actual bed, I can wait for Kazuichi and Makoto if you want to go on ahead.” She shook her head, fingers trailing over the glass coffin holding the Ultimate Breeder.
“No, that’s alright. You’ve been here long enough, you need to rest before Fuyuhiko. It’s only a few more hours away. Besides, I…” Sonia trailed off, gaze shifting to the pod next to Gundham’s, covered with a sheet. Everyone had to be checked on, but there was just one person Hajime couldn’t stand to see. The only person in the room that caused his dead eye to come to life.
He couldn’t identify the emotion, but it had to be hate. It had to be, right?
At least he knew he wouldn’t be judged for it. Everyone had someone they couldn’t look at in this room, couldn’t face directly. Hajime was just the only one weak enough to require a sheet covering the pod. The only one who couldn’t be controlled if he had a fit of anger, or worse—one of despair.
Swallowing back bile, he nodded, making a quick exit from the room to the quarters right next door. A large room had been set up with beds and necessities for them, the six that were here and constantly switching out. Kyoko had suggested separate rooms, but after multiple nights of Kazuichi sneaking into his room or Sonia screaming in her sleep from across the hall, Hajime had fought for them to all be together. Makoto, almost with a child-like excitement, had insisted that he, Kyoko, and Aoi stay there too.
The lucky student in question had been sitting on the floor cross-legged when he walked in, laptop resting on a knee while he glared down at the screen. A glare from Makoto wasn’t usually all that effective, but whatever he was seeing seemed to be genuinely pissing him off. If Hajime had been anyone else, he wouldn’t have bothered disturbing the younger. Still, someone had to go fill in for him with Sonia until Kazuichi took over for her. The mechanic was nowhere to be seen—probably sitting at Akane’s bedside, as usual. Tapping Makoto gently on the shoulder, Hajime waited for him to look up from the email he had been so focused on.
“Oh, you’re back! Has it been six hours already? I didn’t even notice.” It wasn’t a long time to spend watching the pods, but Aoi had insisted. They had three pairs switching out, and she didn’t want anyone spending more time in the pod room than they did outside of it, in the fresh air and the real world—or so she said. Hajime was sure it had more to do with her growing concern for the five of them, Kyoko and Makoto included. While they hadn’t been in the program nearly as long, they still seemed just a bit too pale to her. As for himself, Sonia, and Kazuichi… Aoi had never known them before, but worried nonetheless about irreparable damage.
“Yes, I’m back. Will you find Kazuichi and tag Sonia out? She’s just finishing check-ups.” The shorter nodded, shutting his laptop and standing from his seat on the floor. “Everything alright?”
“It’s just Byakuya, he’s facing some problems bringing the medical equipment we need over to the island. The Future Foundation doesn’t see the need to care for some of the pre-existing conditions your class has, they’re just barely allotting enough supplies for taking care of the… last bits of Junko. It’s like you aren’t even humans to them, they just have no empathy!” Makoto rubbed his temples, forcing a weak smile onto his face. It hadn’t escaped Hajime that the bright-eyed boy that they had met in the final trial and the tired man before him right now seemed so far apart from each other. Because of us—because of me.
“We aren’t human to them.” He placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to offer some comfort. “But we are to you. You’re the best of them, Makoto. I know you’ll work things out.” The younger’s smile twisted, not exactly happy, and he nodded in response.
“Right. The Ultimate Hope, that’s me. I have to be able to fix this.” Hajime raised an eyebrow, not meaning that at all, but Makoto was already walking out of the room to take over watch duties. That had gone… stunningly bad. Whatever part of his soul had been able to produce hope for the others in the Neo World Program had been hiding, his mind and body too used to the actions and words of another. Another who had no idea how to give someone hope for the future, much less comfort someone just the slightest bit. All Hajime seemed to be good at these days was making things worse.
A warmth squeezed around his hand, like someone urging him to stop thinking, and he yanked it away from—from nothing. There was nobody there. He just needed to get some rest before Fuyuhiko’s surgery today.
Two beds remained empty, waiting for their last members. Akane was awake, but still too weak to leave her hospital bed, and Fuyuhiko would join them today. Hopefully. Sitting on his own perfectly made bed, he wondered if all of the remnants would end up sharing a room for the rest of time. The three of them awake so far had their nightmares, some worse than others, and it was impossible to imagine the rest being able to sleep easy after all that had happened. It was too easy to imagine everyone around the room, as if their spaces were already there waiting for them. Glancing around, Hajime could imagine each and every one of them smiling at him, if he could just bring them all back, if he could just wake them up.
A flash of pink and white hair danced at the corner of his eyes, a gentle smile and a false one, and he slammed his head down on the bed, covering his vision with a pillow. Sleep now, hypotheticals later. Hypotheticals that could never, ever be reality anyways. It was dangerous to get lost in thoughts of a happy ending.
He didn’t deserve an ending just yet. There was too much to fix.
#me and my fucking em dashes#anyways i'm just sharing this to see if it's?? interesting??#i've been writing hella fanfic but i'm always very hesitant to put it on the internet#but i've had soOoOOo many worms lately thinking about facing trauma and healing relationships and how that process is just so bumpy#i have a whole lot more that isn't hajime pov but this is all i'm sharing ATM#i just really want to put these folks in therapy. and that begins at the beginning!#moon babbles#danganronpa#i GUESS#cw surgery#cw medical#just in case#hajime hinata#sonia nevermind#makoto naegi#dr2#moon writings
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Now we need something where they're all gathered together for a we survived party or something and its a bad day for Tara and she tries to hide it by kinda avoiding everyone. When Sam corners her and asks if she's okay Tara plays it off. Sam lets it slide cause she's trying not to be so overbearing. So Sidney decides to try cause she knows its a lie. Then Tara says something along the lines of 'but you're Sam's support system' to her so Sidney drags her to Gale and Kirby.
Tara's been quiet and tired a lot these days. Sam's worried, but she's trying not to be overbearing and she knows how exhausting therapy can be, so she tries to quietly support her sister in whatever way she can. Without constantly digging for more information. She's constantly on the lookout for that sigh and the look Tara gets when she's getting frustrated. She's been getting the others involved in Operation cheer-up-Tara, but she always manages to slip out of their plans, or to escape them entirely. Sam's beginning to think that she just doesn't want to spend time with her specifically... except she's usually fine when it's the two of them. Even Gale's patented snark flies over Tara's head these days, and that's what really makes Sam think something might be seriously wrong. Sniping with Gale quickly became one of Sam's favourite activities, and she knows her sister loves it too. So to pass that up... Sam's worried.
Sidney's having a weekend get-together, she's invited everyone, even Danny. Danny, however, can't make it, stuck with a work commitment he can't get out of. And the twins aren't even in the country, off with their mom visiting distant relatives up in Canada. Sam's hoping the weekend will be good for Tara, being around their sort-of-family, and she's looking forward to seeing Sidney again. Even if she's disappointed the twins, Martha, and Danny can't make it.
Sidney's dog, Riley, latches onto Tara pretty much the moment they sit down, and just doesn't leave her alone. If Sidney didn't already know something was up with Tara from her conversations with Sam, this would have given it away. Riley lays their head in Tara's lap, and nudges her occasionally. Whenever she gets up, Riley follows, staying behind her and yipping every time someone comes near.
"Does your dog like children", Sam jokes, watching her sister smile, relaxed for once, as she pets the dog nuzzling into her lap. "Yes," Sidney replies, "Riley likes kids. But he's not playing right now, he's working." Seeing Sam's visible confusion, Sidney continues. "He's a service dog, trained for helping those with PTSD." Sam's eyes widen as understanding kicks in, a frown forming as sadness kicks in. "He's very sensitive to moods," Sidney says, patting Sam on the arm, "sometimes he knows before I do when I'm feeling bad."
"I don't know how to help her," Sam confesses, "she won't talk to me... or anyone. She's in therapy, but I don't know whether it's helping her or making it worse." Sam tells her that everyone has tried to get her to open up, to no avail. Sidney says she hasn't tried yet, she'll give it a shot at some point over the weekend.
Sidney gets a chance sooner than she thought. Later that evening, Tara retires to the spare room provided for her and Sam early, Riley on her heels. She watches her stall in the doorway, unsure whether she's allowed to take the dog with her, before Mark gives her a nudge and lets her know it's ok.
Sidney gives her 15 minutes before she leaves the others watching the movie, and follows after her. Tara takes a minute to respond to her knock on the door, but when she enters, she can see why. Tara's been crying and Riley's on the bed, clearly providing comfort. She pushes for Tara to talk, "we're all worried for you," she says. That seems to break something in the girl, because she starts crying again and apologising. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make anyone worry, it's fine, I'm fine, really-" Sidney takes her into her arms and hushes her as if she were her own.
She tells her her own story, of how she dealt - or didn't deal - with what happened, how she hid away from the world, alone. By the time Sidney's finished, Tara reveals her own secrets. Sidney's heart breaks as Tara explains she didn't want to take away focus from Sam, that she knows how much Sam has sacrificed for her and she didn't want them all to be just another thing she took from her. Sidney reassures her, reminds her that no one is taking anyone from anything, that they're all family and we're all here for each other, that it would hurt Sam deeply to know that Tara is hurting herself for her sake.
"Please don't tell Sam."
"You know I can't do that kiddo."
Tara spends the rest of the weekend bounced around between Sidney, Mark, Gale, and Kirby. Sam gets her own session with Riley as being kept from her sister makes her anxious. The four of them don't explain to Sam what's happening, trusting that Tara will do so herself once they get back to New York. And she does. Sam holds her tight and makes her promise to never hide anything from her ever again, no matter how much you think it will hurt me.
#/mp#ask box#Scream#Sam Carpenter#Tara Carpenter#Sidney Prescott#family dynamics tag#my writing tag#-after 6#topic: trauma#BTW Sam & Tara play 'Gale Weathers' whereby they pretend to be her so the other one can make up creative retorts and insults#Tara does a mean Gale Weathers act. Gale walked in on them once and had a lot to say about Sam's terrible impression.#~ riley is a ptsd service dog and the bestest boy ~
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Oh-- God, that's wild. And a lot more complicated than I thought. D: I do remember her publicly calling you out years ago, I can't remember what for (maybe it was vaguing, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't about any of this.) Felt more like a personal spat where she was offended/her feelings were hurt. ): I do hope she gets the help she needs, and you still come out of this okay. None of that relates to who you are now as a content creator.
It was about a few things, like the Derpy Blog incident, and claiming that I taught her to act like a sociopath because a long time ago she came to me asking about her lack of emotional empathy and need to manipulate others and in my naivete I suggested perhaps sociopathy could explain it. Because even I myself at the time was dealing with similar feelings and thought I might have been a sociopath because of it. This was before therapy and dealing with my trauma and realizing it wasn't sociopathy, but in fact dissociation. And when I did suggest it, I tried my best to give her tools to practice empathy and kindness, but she blames me for all the wrong and harm she's done to people because to her, my suggesting she had sociopathy was permission for her to act like a sociopath.
I struggled with the guilt of this for a while but my therapist told me no one can 'teach' someone to become a sociopath, that's not how that works. She chose to act that way on her own because she took something I said and ran with it, and I didn't give her enough tools to counter those thoughts but that's not my fault because I didn't intend for things to happen the way they did. I really tried to provide advice that would help her function more like a proper, kind person, but she ignored that advice. I'm not blaming her either by the way, she was a kid, kids are dumb, they tend to latch on to dumb things and take them way out of context. She was at that age where kids like to be edgy so I'm sure the idea of being a sociopath was cool to her.
She also called me out on something I told her when I was in a psychotic state, which was me saying I based Slate off of her. That wasn't true either, and I tried to explain it to her that in that state I believed everyone's characters HAD to be based on someone real, no exception, and I felt the need to tell her Slate was based on her because he had just a couple of things in common with her and therefor "they were connected" and I "subconciously" used Slate as an experiment to better understand her.
Again, I explained this to her, I told her that I was not in my right mind, and I told her the three characters Slate was actually based on from the anime Monster. But she apparently chose to believe I was lying and that I HAD to have based slate on her because of how similar they were.
I have a screencap of a convo here where she admits that she had a habit of taking anything wrong she did and blaming it on me, and the last convo I had with her was about a friend she manipulated and targetted because she thought he was too nice and naive and needed to learn a lesson about life.
I never meant to make her feel like she was a bad person, I just wanted to know why she did it, why she hurt someone that badly and pitted people against him.
She ghosted me after this convo, and a few months later deleted my Bedeviled Derpy blog with a long post of accusations against me.
THEN after that did a callout twitter with one of her buddies.
It's just
I have been too scared to defend myself because I don't want to look like one of THOSE people, but I'm so tired of people looking at just one side of the story and not understanding all the stuff that's being left out or twisted to sound worse than it actually is.
I want the best for her, I do, but I don't think I deserved this much backlash. If she'd just talked to me we could have come to an understanding, I feel. But that's not how she does things. She'd sooner ghost then lash out than actually discuss things. She'd rather tear people apart to get back at them than come to an understanding. Maybe she's different now, but I doubt she'll ever let go of the fact that I'm her scapegoat for everything that was ever wrong with her.
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Danny's Journey to a Better Life
It's my first day of therapy and I ain't got a clue on how to handle myself. I can't even give a proper greeting. I just walk in the door moping.
"What happened Danny?"
"Ain't you heard? I was in love with a beautiful girl named Ronnie but she got killed."
"Is that what brought you to therapy today?"
"Ain't that enough?"
"So let's break this down into a simple question. Danny why did you decide to come to therapy today?"
"Cos I been havin' a lotta nightmares lately."
"And what do you wish to accomplish today?"
"I wanna find out why them nightmares keep comin' back at me."
I spend the next half hour info-dumping. I dunno if I'm even doing this right but I just need to get it outta my system.
"Based on what you've told me, I have reason to believe that you have a lot of unprocessed trauma. That doesn't make you crazy, but it can have long term health effects if it continues to go unaddressed."
"Then once these things are processed, they'll go away? No more nightmares?"
"I can't guarantee that your nightmares will go away. I would hope that with therapy, you can learn how to better understand your feelings and move on."
"Will it stop me from being tired so much?"
"I suggest that you first rule out physical conditions that can cause sleeping issues."
"It feels like I'm gonna see something, Doc. Like there's something in the dark watching me."
A timer goes off
"Is that session over? I ain't done talkin'. I ain't done."
"I know, Danny. We had a very productive first session. I have an assignment that I want you to do before you decide to schedule our next session."
"What's that?"
"I want you to go to the doctor and ask for them to test you for any physical conditions that can trigger sleep disorders."
"Alright, Doc, I'll take care of it."
"That's great to hear Danny. I'm glad that you're willing to cooperate."
"I'll see you soon, Doc."
I leave the room and go to the front desk to talk to the receptionist. I wanna find a way to pay for this first session without going broke.
"Excuse me, miss, how much does Doctor King charge for therapy?"
"I have a form that you can fill out."
"Great. I'll take care of it right now. Thanks."
I look at the form. There’s no way I can pay $25 at a time, so I put 12 dollars a month. I figure it’s better than nothin’.
"Thanks. Do I owe you anything from my first session here?"
"Doctor King always provides his first consultation for free. If you decide to return as a full time client, then you will be expected to pay."
"I'll get here as soon as I can. Bye, miss."
I go home to my Pa and tell him about my consultation.
"Pa, I went to see that Doc like you wanted."
"How'd it go Danny? Do you think you'll go back?"
"Yeah, I’ll do that Pa, but I just need to know how we’re gonna pay for therapy. I can’t work no more because of my nightmares and I can’t sleep. I’M TIRED, Pa!"
He goes over to hug me.
"I know you are son. The first session was free so don’t worry about it. We’ll manage."
"Pa, I- I hope to hell that sleep test comes back with somethin’, y'know? I'm afraid it ain’t gonna and I got no money and I’m a burden."
"I’ll give them a call now and see what’s available."
"Pa, I don’t know what to do. I feel like the world’s crushin’ down on my shoulders. I feel like I'm fallin’ apart."
"You’re still young Danny. Ain’t even 21 yet. I think you need to let me be the father and do my responsibilities."
"And what are your responsibilities, Pa? Just puttin’ dinner on the table and roof over our head? You think that's all you need to do as a father? 'Cause you ain't. I got no momma and since I was 8 I been fightin' like hell against this world to put food on our plate. I'm tired."
"I know. And I’m sorry I ain’t done a good enough job for you. I’m going to be better Danny."
"When you got no momma you got no one to hold you, no one to sing you to sleep, to kiss your forehead when you fall asleep. That's what Momma used to do, y'know, every night. And when I'd wake from nightmares, she'd be there tellin' me everything's gonna be alright. I don't have that, never did. So I learned how to be tough, y'know? You ain't supposed to cry, you gotta be strong."
"You didn’t need to do that Danny. Now you just let me be your Pa and help."
He sits me down on the couch and I start bawlin'.
"Shhh. It’s alright son."
"I'm not as tough as I make out, Pa. I ain't. I'm so tired."
"Go on and nap Danny."
I lay down on the couch. As I fall asleep, I feel my Pa's hand on my forehead. It felt like it was the most comforting touch I'd had in ages.
"Do you want me to call Nellie over?"
"It'd be nice to see her."
"Alright Danny."
"I love you, Pa."
As Pa talks with Nellie, I drift into a peaceful sleep. Before I know it, I hear Pa waking me up.
"Son? Nellie’s here."
I wake up, completely refreshed. Nellie’s there and she’s lookin’ pretty as a picture. She leans over and gives me a peck on the cheek.
"Are you ok Danny? Mr. Fisher called me over."
Yeah, I’m good, I just fell asleep is all.
Nellie sits next to me and I notice how good-lookin’ she is. I feel that old stirring I felt the first time I saw her. I feel it all over again. My heart beats a little faster every second she’s here. And when she leans in and gives me a peck on the cheek...
"How was your nap?"
"I’m good."
She lays her head on my shoulder and my arm goes around her, but I’m not sure if it’s appropriate. I look over at my Pa. He smiles, then nods. It confirms to me that it’s okay. I continue to lean into her. I even close my eyes and take a deep breath. She smells real nice.
"Mr. Fisher told me that you went to a consultation with a therapist today."
"Yeah, I went seein’ that Doc that he always goes to. Doc says I need to get some tests cause he thinks I got sleep problems. Ain't no doubt about that, I sure ain't sleeping good."
"I hope it’ll get better Danny."
I’m still feeling the after effects of that good nap I took. I’m real relaxed.
"I’ma get this test done as quick as I can, then I'm takin' you out, Nellie."
"Oh you don’t need to do that."
"I wanna. I already promised you dinner, I ain't going back on my word. Let's go to that King Creole joint. Sound okay?"
"Maybe you can get your job back there."
"You really think so?"
I’m already dreamin’ up all the good food I’m gonna get to eat if I get my job back. I look over at Nellie, who’s starin’ at me with a little grin on her face.
"He was already so understanding that you needed to quit after Ronnie died."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I could go check to see if they'll take me back."
Pa finishes making dinner and we start sittin' down to eat.
"Here, sit at the table, Nellie. And, Pa, thanks. You went and made my favorites I love you for that, ain’t nobody made gumbo like you."
Time passes and you get your appointment for the doctor to test you for sleeping disorders
"Pa, I'm heading into the doctor's, can you come with me? I figured it'd be best since I haven't been sleeping so good lately. And I'm a little scared bout what they might tell me."
"I gotta work at the pharmacy today. I’ll pick you up during my lunch."
"Alright, Pa. I'm sure I'll be alright, just wanted you with me."
I head into the doctor's office feeling anxious. A nurse comes in to draw my blood
"Have you had a blood test before, Mr. Fisher?"
"No ma'am, I never had anythin' like that done before."
"Can you make a fist so I can try to find a vein?"
"There. Hope it helps."
She finds my vein and starts drawin' my blood. It's makin’ me real anxious; I start to sweat and feel nauseous. My stomach's startin’ to knot up.
"Would you prefer to use a butterfly needle?"
"Ma'am, I don't know what that is. I'd just like this over and done with as soon as possible, please."
"Very well then Mr. Fisher. Just look up and away."
"Okay..."
I look away and try to relax, but my stomach starts knotting up more. I close my eyes for a moment and start to panic. Is this normal? Am I the only one afraid of this stuff?
"Keep your arm relaxed and tense up the other parts of your body."
"How much longer till we’re done, ma’am?"
I grip my arm with my other hand and start to hyperventilate. I look down at the vial and realize it’s only half full. My heart starts beating real fast.
"Don't look at the vial, Mr. Fisher. You're doing a good job."
"It feels like I can't get enough air in. I'm scared..."
"When I switch the vials lean back in the chair."
I lean back, close my eyes and do my best to relax my arm. I feel the other needle enter my vein to take the second vial.
"How do you feel, Mr. Fisher?"
"Like I'm gonna throw up. My heart’s beatin’ out of my chest. Is this normal?"
"Anxiety during a blood test is common."
The nurse finishes taking my blood then starts bandaging me. I let out a heavy sigh and look out the window feeling a little light-headed.
"Have you eaten or drank anything before coming here, Mr. Fisher?"
"No ma’am."
"Would like some water and a small snack?"
"Yes, ma’am, that’d be real nice."
"Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy?"
I sip some water and nibble on a small snack.
"Yes ma’am I still feel a bit light-headed from the blood test."
My Pa arrives and looks at me with concerned eyes. The nurse explains what had happened and how I need to take it easy and eat iron-rich foods. My Pa nods his head and takes my arm, putting it around him.
"Alright Danny. Let's take it slow."
Holding onto my Pa's arm, we take it slow and make our way outside to the car. He opens the door for me and I sit down in the passenger seat. As we’re driving home, I can’t help but feel light-headed and nauseous and a bit embarrassed for havin' acted so scared earlier.
"Pa, I'm so sorry I acted like such a wimp when I got blood taken. I don't know what's wrong with me, I never used to be like this."
"You ain't gotta apologize son. You did a good job."
We arrive home and I slowly walk up the steps to the front door of our house. Pa helps me get inside and I sit down on the couch. I know I need to go get some rest, so I lay down on the couch slowly and close my eyes.
"Danny do you think you can handle being on your own until I finish my shift at the pharmacy?"
"I should be alright, Pa. Just a little tired that’s all."
"Alright son. Do you need anything to eat before I leave again?"
"I think I can wait til dinner, Pa."
I lie back on the couch and close my eyes. I need to get some much needed sleep.
"My son."
A couple days pass when I get a call from the doctor about my blood test results. I wake up feeling groggy and slowly pickup the phone.
"Yes, this is Danny. Who's this?"
"My name is Dr. Jones. I have the results of your blood test. Do you have any time today to come in?"
I sit up in bed. My heart starts racing.
"I can be there in an hour, if that's alright."
"That's perfectly fine, Mr. Fisher."
I hang up the phone feeling a bit anxious. What could it be? Did they find somethin’ that's gonna be bad for me?
"Pa, I'm goin' to the doctor's office."
"Alright son."
I arrive at Dr. Jones' office. He has a packet of my results.
"Have a seat."
I grab the packet and sit down, trying to focus on listenin’ to whatever the doctor has to tell me.
"I want you to read through the entire packet first. If you have any questions please ask."
"Okay, I will."
I start reading through the packet. After about a minute, I look up at the doctor. I almost don't wanna ask what I'm about to ask.
"Do you need me to explain anything?"
"Yeah... what does the word anemia mean?"
"Anemia is not having enough red blood cells or hemoglobin in the blood. This can be caused by different deficiencies."
I look back down at the packet and continue reading to myself, thinking about all the things Dr. Jones had mentioned. I finally look back up at the doctor, ready to ask another question.
"Is there anything else you had concerns about?"
"Yeah, one last thing. I see an "Abnormal, low" result under my vitamin D. Do you know what that means too?"
"It indicates a deficiency. Usually it's caused by a low exposure to sunlight although there are other factors that contribute to it."
"Is there anythin’ I can do to raise my vitamin D levels?"
"There's something that I would like to do first. Would you mind getting weighed today, Mr. Fisher? Your current weight would give me a better idea as to how we can treat your deficiencies."
"Okay, let's get weighed."
I step onto the scale and let the doctor measure my height and weight. I'm not sure which one weighs heavier - the numbers on the scale or my worries about what this all means.
"What's his weight, nurse?"
The nurse looks at the display.
"One hundred and forty-six pounds."
"Thank you, you can step down, Mr. Fisher."
"Sure thing, Doc."
I step off the scale and sit back down in the chair, lookin' at the doctor and wonderin' what he's gonna say next.
"Mr. Fisher what would you say is a healthy weight for someone like you based on your height, age and activity levels?"
"I have no idea, Doc."
"The average weight for a man of your height is 167 lbs. I believe that because you're underweight, you have these deficiencies."
"So my weight is why I'm not gettin' enough iron and vitamin D?"
"The types of foods you eat and your weight contribute to it."
"Do you know if my lack of sleep contributes to that too? Cause I ain't been sleepin’ too good lately."
"If anything your anemia contributes to your sleep deprivation. An iron deficiency can disturb your sleep patterns by causing insomnia."
"So it all kinda ties in together?"
"I do think your nightmares affect your sleep. However, I believe your slight malnourishment is the root cause."
It’s been a while since I've felt this drowsy during the day, just tired and not havin' the energy to do much of anything. It's kinda got me worried.
"Doc, tell me the truth. Is this somethin’ that's gonna keep me from bein' able to do my job? I can't exactly stay on my feet and sing and play guitar if I keep feelin’ this tired."
"If this continues to go untreated yes. You have multiple physical factors that contribute to your fatigue. I suggest keeping a food journal for one week so we can determine just how much and often you eat."
I look startled.
"You want me to keep a journal of what I eat, Doc?"
"Yes. It's important to know what your current diet is so that I can properly determine your weight gain plan."
I still don't quite understand.
"You mean by puttin' on weight, it'll help my body absorb the iron and vitamin D easier?"
"Yes because we get those nutrients through the foods we eat and through the sun. If you're underweight, it can make it difficult to absorb vitamin D since it needs fat."
I sigh with relief.
"Doc, you don’t know how happy you've made me to hear that. Thanks so much. Now the food journal, you want me to write everything I eat for a week? Even snacks?"
"That's right Mr. Fisher. You need to be eating a certain amount of calories every day to function. If you eat less than what you spend you're going to lose weight which in your case is dangerous."
"All right, Doc. I'll definitely do that. Can I go home now?"
I look at the time on my watch and realize that I'm starting to get hungry. And if the Doc wants me to gain some weight it sure wouldn't hurt. But most of all I wanna get outta here. I'm really hungry.
"Of course Mr. Fisher. Now be sure to write down what you eat as specifically as you can."
"Will do Doc!"
I start to put on my jacket and get up from the chair.
"Thanks for helpin’ me get stuff figured out today, you've made me feel a little better."
Dr. Jones writes notes down in his patient log.
"Should I schedule you for next week at this same time Mr. Fisher?"
"Yeah Doc. I think another week'll give me enough time to get a log of what I'm eatin’, but let's do same time next week."
The following week has arrived and it’s time for my appointment again with Doctor Jones. I start to feel anxious about the blood work, hoping that there’s nothing too serious goin' on inside my body. I can feel my heart start to pound and the butterflies in my stomach return. I tell myself, “It’s okay, you're not scared this time.” But it’s not quite workin’, my nerves still feel frayed. I try to get my breathing and heart rate a bit back to normal - deep, slow breaths. Finally the nurse calls me back.
"How has the food journal worked Mr. Fisher?"
I hand him a sheet with all the food entries from the past week.
"I think this oughta do it, Doc. It's got everything on it, everything I've eaten - even those midnight snacks."
I wait for the Doc to finish reading and do my best to control my breathing. I hear him turn a a page in my patient log, he’s doing a bunch of calculations and stuff but I’m not following what he’s doin'.
"Mr. Fisher can you try to describe how big "a bowl of gumbo" is?"
I think for a moment.
"Well Doc, it's hard to explain how big a bowl of gumbo is, I usually eat two bowls, one for lunch and one for dinner since it's pretty darn good. It's kinda like a stew with meat and okra in it, I'd say it's maybe four or five cups big."
Dr. Jones nods and writes down my response. I keep watchin' as he's workin'. The clock is tickin' away the minutes and I'm gettin' anxious to get outta here.
"So Doc, what's the answer?"
He shows me the paper with his math. I try understanding what the math says. My eyes are dartin’ back and forth from the paper to the Doc.
"I... I don't understand what that means Doc."
I look at the paper again and try to make it make sense but the numbers are all mixed up in my head. I look back at the Doc in confusion.
"That's your estimated daily average calorie intake. Unless there was a mistake in determining portion sizes that's how much you eat per day."
I feel stunned by the result. I thought I was eating enough, even too much... guess that wasn't the case.
"So... what does that mean Doc? Am I not eatin' enough?"
"How much activity do you get on average?"
I look at the Doc.
"My job requires a lot of physical activity - standin’ up, singin' and playin' guitar. Sometimes I'm on stage all night. I guess you'd say that's a good amount of activity Doc."
"I see. I understand now why you're so fatigued Mr. Fisher."
"So the fatigue is caused by not eatin' enough? I thought it was from sleepin’ so bad."
"It's a combination of issues Mr. Fisher. This most I can help you with is to gain weight properly."
I look down, a bit defeated. That means there's not much else he can do to help with the other reasons for why I feel so tired.
"Can you tell me how much I should be eatin' Doc?"
"Have you and your father been able to afford food?"
I look at him. The word "afford" triggers the thought that we've been struggling financially. I just nod my head and let out a deep sigh.
"It ain't easy Doc, it's been... hard."
I try to hold back my emotions.
"I see. Do you know how much your father can afford to spend on food?"
I think back to last night's dinner when all we ate was some fried bologna sandwiches and some leftover mashed potatoes that my sister Mimi reheated.
"Um... Doc I don't think I'm eatin' as much as I used to. And it's only because the money's tight. We can't always afford to eat a good meal. Sometimes that means goin' to sleep with the stomach grumblein'."
"If you continue to lose weight by working and eating as you do, it would be dangerous. The body needs a specific amount of calories to function properly. And you're just not getting enough."
"That... that's scary Doc."
I feel the fear rising inside me but I try to keep my composure.
"You mean I need to gain... uh... a lot of weight?"
"I think if you gained 15 lbs you would feel significantly better."
"Fifteen pounds? That's a lot Doc. I don't know how I'm gonna do that, food's pretty expensive."
"I recommend making high caloric foods that you can make in bulk. The gumbo you listed in your food journal is a good example."
I try processing what the doctor said and how I can possibly gain fifteen pounds.
"I'll do my best Doc. You gotta trust I'm gonna try."
"I know Mr. Fisher. I have a list of foods I recommend to people who need to gain weight."
I take the list from him and nod my head.
"Can I get going Doc? I'll definitely try my best to follow this list."
"Of course Mr. Fisher. I'll see you next week."
Time passes. The following week has arrived. I make sure to bring the food journal to the appointment. I hand it to Doctor Jones.
"Here's my food journal Doc, I tried to follow what you told me last time. There was some days the meals were a bit smaller than before, but I wrote it all down Doc, for real."
He goes over your food journal and does the calorie math again. After a few minutes Dr. Jones writes down a final number.
"This is your average daily calorie intake this week, Mr. Fisher."
I look at the paper and see that the number is 1610.
"Doc, is that a good thing? I just... I'm tryin' so hard to do what you say and eat better, but food is still such a big issue in our house. I don't wanna disappoint you Doc, I've been tryin' my best."
"Any increase in calorie intake is good in your case. It's important to do this gradually so your body can acclimate."
I feel relief spread through my body as I hear this.
"So you're sayin' that I'm doin' okay? That I can keep goin' and work my way up?"
"I suggest continuing what you did last week for a month. Just maintain a daily 1600 calorie average for a month and see how you feel."
"Oh. I thought we said that if I gained fifteen pounds that it would help. I remember Doc, we had that conversation."
I look at the doctor with the slightest bit of confusion.
"Yes but you need to eat more calories than you spend to gain weight. You're not at that point yet Mr. Fisher. To gain weight, you would likely need to eat at least 3000 calories a day."
Confused by his reasoning, I start to get frustrated and my emotions overflow.
"But Doc, that's the whole problem. I can't eat no more. The money is just too tight to get more food. I'm tryin' to get enough, how can I eat more when I can't get the food in the first place? I'm workin' and eatin' as much as I can and it just ain't happenin'."
Dr. Jones removes his glasses and rubs his eyes.
"I understand you're unable to cut down your activity because you need the work. I suggest talking to your employer about allowing you to have meals after shows as part of your compensation."
"You think... you think that'd work Doc, that my boss would give me food at the King Creole?"
Throughout my life I've never asked for something so big like this, but my mind is filled with hope. As the tears well up in my eyes and stream down my cheeks I start to feel embarrassed and ashamed that I have to do this.
"It's worth a shot. At the very least I suggest changing when you eat your meals. For example, I would eat your largest meal possible after you perform right before bed."
"If I can get free meals after the show that would be huge Doc. I'd do that, I'd eat as much as I can after the show before comin' home to sleep."
I feel relief starting to overcome the fear that's been in my life for so long. There's a glimmer of hope that things will get better. I stand up and wipe the tears from my face.
"Anything else I should bring to you next appointment Doc?"
"Just focus on eating 1600 calories a day for one month and continue with your food journal. If you can get free meals at your job, you might be able to save some money for when it's time to increase your calorie count to 2000 a day."
A smile spreads across my face.
I'm gonna do all this Doc, I swear... I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna eat right and I'll increase the calories when it's time. This is gonna change everything, I appreciate your help Doc, more than you know.
I extend my hand to shake his and he smiles back at me.
"I'll make sure to talk to my boss as soon as I can."
I leave the office and go to the club. I sit across the table from Mr. LeGrand and explain the situation to him. I tell him about how I'm try to gain weight and I mention wanting to eat better but how food is a big issue for us.
"Mr. LeGrand, is there anyway the club could give me some free food as compensation for performin' on stage? Right now Doc said to eat at least 1600 calories a day, but the goal is to get to 3000 calories to gain fifteen pounds. I know this is a big ask Mr. LeGrand, but just being able to eat a good meal after the show on the right days would be a big help."
Mr. LeGrand walks to grab a menu to see what he can afford to give me regularly.
"If we can work somethin' out then I can keep up with the calories and be in better shape. Doc says it'll help my fatigue too."
I stare at Mr. LeGrand in anticipation. He writes down a list of menu items that are cheap enough to consistently give away.
"Give this a list a look Danny. Are any of these items enough for what you want to do accomplish?"
I take the paper and go through the items one at a time.
"Ok, so... this stew and bread and gumbo and rice would work. If I combine this with food at home and stuff that Mimi cooks me I think I could make it work."
I smile at Mr. LeGrand, now feeling much more optimistic about things.
"I know Mimi tells me all the time about wanting to have you and your father over for dinner. She must be a very caring sister Danny."
"Yeah, we'd love to eat with you and Mimi Mr. LeGrand. It'd be real nice and we'd appreciate it so much if we can do that."
As I'm speakin' to him I feel myself start to cry as my heart overflows with gratitude.
"Thank you Mr. LeGrand, you're makin' a big difference by even offerin' this."
I try holding it in but I break down, my whole body shaking and the tears streaming down my face.
"It's... it's just that... I can't remember the last time someone was this nice to me without asking for somethin' in return or hold what they did over my head until I owed them. It's just a lot to get through right now Mr. LeGrand, and it's just a lot to have someone be generous to me for once."
My entire body feels like it's vibrating with emotion as I try to wipe away the tears.
"Have you eaten, Danny?"
I hear my stomach growl and look down at myself.
"I've only eaten one or two meals since yesterday, it's definitely catchin' up to me now."
I try to compose myself and fight my tears as tears roll down my cheeks and I can feel my heart beating faster.
"Tell you what Danny. Why don't you and your father come over for lunch? Mimi would love to see you both again."
I slowly nod my head as I try to collect myself.
"I'd be happy to eat with y'all Mr. LeGrand. Mimi and me had that plan for a meal a long time ago, there's jus..."
As I wipe my tears away I notice my hands shaking.
"It's just hard when you're poor Mr. LeGrand... I just don't know if I'm good enough to be in anyone's home, but... if it's alright I'd love to eat with y'all."
"You're off the clock Danny so just call me Charlie. Go and call Mr. Fisher. I'll go call Mimi to tell her the news."
I nod my head and quickly grab my jacket. My tears have stopped flowing and I feel hopeful for the first time in days. I can't let on to Mimi and Charlie how relieved I am or that I'm starving so I leave the room as quickly as I can. My heart feels the most relief it's had in a long time as I head to call my dad about lunch. As I walk down the road past the stores I realize I'm shaking and hungry but can't wait to see the look on my dad's face when I tell him he's invited for lunch.
"Danny! Daddy! It's so good to see you."
Mimi holds her arms out to hug me and it's been so long since I've been able to hug my sister that I almost cry again.
"How are you Mimi?"
"I'm doing well Danny. How are you boys doing without me?"
"I'm doin' ok Mimi. Things are rough for us, we've been runnin' all over the city workin' and stuff, but we're makin' it."
"Come in come in."
She grabs Pa's hand and leads him to sit down. I follow her to the dining room and try not to stare at it in awe, this is the first nice place I've been invited to have lunch at since I was a kid. Mimi, Charlie and Pa all sit down at the table and I quickly get a chair to join them as I feel my stomach growling.
"I've been so hungry Mimi, it's just been a while for me since I've had a proper meal."
Mimi passes around the plates as Charlie serves food for her and her husband, then me and my dad get our portions.
"My, oh my, this looks great Mimi. Thanks a million and to you Charlie."
I take the plate in front of me with a big smile, ready to start shoving food into my starving stomach, but I notice no food in front of Mimi. I try to stay quiet and let her eat first as she takes a place at her own seat.
"I made enough sandwiches for everyone."
I take a sandwich and quickly start to eat it as quick as I can.
"Wow Mimi, these are great, I could eat four or five of these." I take another sandwich and stuff it in my mouth while Mimi takes a small bite and watches my every move.
"This is way better than what I've been eatin' Mimi. I ain't even had a sandwich in so long I forgot how great these taste."
As I eat my fourth sandwich, the excitement and enjoyment of eating actual food as opposed to whatever leftover food items I could get my hands on has got me all worked up. My stomach, which is already full, seems to be asking for more. As I look around the table and see Mimi and Charile both eatin' their sandwiches and my dad diggin' in as much as I am I start to feel bad about how much I'm eatin'.
"Should I... should I save y'all some more sandwiches Mimi?"
"Don't worry Danny there's plenty of food. Eat as much as you can handle."
I notice Mimi and my Pa are both quiet and eatin' as much as me, I feel their eyes on me as Mr. LeGrand takes a sip of water. I continue to take in food in quickly and silently, afraid of doing something wrong. After several minutes I finally decide to speak in an attempt to lighten the mood.
"Mimi, this food is so good I can eat it all day. Is this one of your special recipes?"
Mimi giggles and looks at me, a lightness in her eyes and a smile on her face.
"Oh come on Danny. You've had my famous sandwiches plenty of times for school."
The mention of her making these for me brings back memories of school lunches.
Oh yeah Mimi, it seems like forever ago that I've had these. It musta been the best thing about goin' to class."
I think about my days at school when I was younger, how tough they were, and how much I wanted things to change for the future. I quickly swallow my current bite of food and take the moment in, feeling happy just from the food, and also from being able to catch up with Mimi.
"Mimi was always the chef of the house after their mama died about 4 years ago."
"Oh yeah, I always remember that dinner time was Mimi's responsibility after that."
I think about when I'd come home and Mimi was the only person in the house cooking after Pa had to work late.
I remember that too. Always cookin' by herself after school for both of us all the time. Oh man Mimi, I've been so tired and hungry these last few days, it's so good to actually eat something nice for once.
Mimi looks at me and smiles, knowing I'm enjoying myself.
"I'm glad you still enjoy my cooking, Danny. You're welcome to come back anytime."
The month passes and I see Dr. Jones for your next visit.
"How do you think you did at managing 1600 calories a day?"
I stare at the log and think about my diet this month.
"Well, overall I think I did pretty good. I definitely didn't achieve my goal of 1600 calories everyday, but I at least made that goal half of the time. And some of those days I made it to 1400 calories, which is a huge improvement."
I feel like I've made real progress in managing my hunger and the feelings aren't overwhelming like they used to be.
"Here are your results. Go ahead and read the final number Mr. Fisher."
I read through the numbers and let out a heavy sigh once I see that I did even better than expected. I feel so relieved to be doing so much better than I thought I was.
"1850, that's way more than I was thinkin' for myself this month! I mean 1400 was a miracle for me, I really didn't expect myself to do any better!"
"You had some good days where you had more calories per day than others. That boosted your average. How have you been able to eat more during these days?"
I think back to a few of the meals I ate and the foods I chose to make up the 1600 or more per day, and the realization of a big reason I did those things hits me.
"I just ate what I really wanted Dr. Jones. I didn't think of myself this month, I just thought about what I wanted to eat and how much I wanted it. Instead of sayin' nope I can't do that and eatin' something like an apple or a salad, I just kinda said to myself... just eat what you want Danny. You'll feel better for it."
"You mean you would purposely eat less than what you had? I didn't know your financial struggles were that bad."
I feel my heart break a little, knowing what I'm about to say might surprise Dr. Jones or make me look bad.
"Well... I would always eat what I had to and make it seem like I ate enough to Mimi and Pa. I just... figured, I could do without some food if I had to."
I look down, feeling a bit ashamed. I know I shouldn't be doing this and it's unhealthy, but I can't help myself. I always want to look out for Mimi and Pa and do my best to protect them from the harsh truth.
"How long have you been doing this?"
I feel my heart sink a little, wishing I didn't have to say it, but I look up at Dr. Jones as I tell him the truth.
"Since our mom passed... so a little over 4 years now."
I try to look up at him with a face that's not too full of shame and guilt and instead look like a strong man who's just doing his best for his family.
"Mr. Fisher I want you to spend this next month eating as much as you can with what you're given. I want to see how much you can eat without any limitations on yourself."
I feel nervous at this idea, but I listen and nod my head slightly.
"Yeah, I can do that. I... I think I can do that Dr. Jones."
I feel a little anxious about eating that much, but I also feel excited. It feels like he's giving me the permission I've needed for so long to fully satisfy my hunger.
"I understand that you have to share food with your Pa, but don't hesitate to eat until you're full."
I sit there thinking about eating all that I can and not hesitating to eat what I need to satisfy my hunger, and my thoughts make me hungry.
I'll eat until I'm full I promise. This next month I'm gonna do just that, eat until I'm full."
"That's all I want you to change. Let's see how that effects your calorie count for the month."
I think about all the things I want to eat and how much I'm going to eat them, letting myself feel the feeling of anticipation and excitement for a chance to eat food I enjoy and eat as much as I want.
"That's all I have to do, just eat 'till I'm full. I know I can do it Dr. Jones, I am going to do it this next month."
"I think if after this month we'll weigh you again. My hope is that you didn't lose weight."
"Yeah, that sounds good to me."
I feel excited as I think about eating all the food I want and not restricting myself to something that barely fills me up. I wonder how I'll react as I see myself gain weight over the next month, and also how Mimi and Pa will react.
"You've been doing a good job at lowering your calorie deficit Mr. Fisher. As long as you keep your activity levels the same and continue to gradually increase your calorie count, you should eventually start to gain weight."
"That sounds good to me Dr. Jones."
I rub my stomach absently as I think about eating as much as I want and knowing that I'm going to be gaining weight for once. I feel my stomach rumbling loud, it's so ready to get started.
"It's a new month, so I'm gonna do exactly what you said. I wanna eat as much as I can for the next month and not worry about it. Just eat whenever I feel like it and let myself enjoy the food."
I look up to Dr. Jones with excitement and determination.
"Excellent."
Time passes and we're at Nellie's place and she's in the kitchen cooking dinner for us. I'm sitting on the couch while she gets everything ready and can hear her moving around the kitchen. My stomach feels so hungry and the smell from the kitchen is making it even worse.
"Come on Nellie, dinner's got me about to eat this wall right here. I'm starving."
Nellie looks up at me from her spot in the kitchen and smiles while coming out to sit next to me on the couch.
"Chicken is almost ready Danny."
"Just a little longer I hope?"
I can feel my stomach rumble and hear the hunger pains coming back as I wait for Nellie to finish gettin' things set up. I look at Nellie and watch the way she moves, she seems so natural when she's cookin', she cooks the way somebody loves to cook. She turns back to the kitchen and I have to stop myself from jumping up and runnin' behind her to get the food.
"I have 5 more minutes unless you want raw chicken."
I can't hold back anymore, I get up and go to the kitchen and stand behind Nellie as I look over her shoulders.
"How 'bout just a little taste Nellie, please? How 'bout just one bite and I won't ask for any more 'til we sit down and eat it as a meal."
Nellie turns around and looks back at me and can't help but laugh. She knows I'm about to explode from hunger.
"You can try my mashed potatoes. Let me know if it needs anything."
I take the spoon from her hand and scoop a giant scoop of mashed potatoes to taste. I look back at her and can see her giggling at me as I'm about to shove the spoon in my mouth.
"I'm sorry Nellie, I'm so hungry. I'm just... I really wanna taste it."
Nellie is still giggling as I slowly take the first bite. It was everything I thought it would be and more, the hot, creamy and smooth potatoes melt in my mouth as my hungrily chews them. I slowly swallow and smile.
"Oh Nellie, you weren't kidding... this is amazing."
"I'm glad you like them Danny."
"I love 'em, this is just what I needed."
Nellie laughs and goes back to finish cooking dinner. She comes back out a few minutes later and serves us the chicken, a couple sides and biscuits with butter. She sits next to me, watching as I dig in to the meal and start eating.
"Oh Nellie, I knew you were the one."
The month passes without event. I'm in the middle of my next appointment with Dr. Jones, seeing him at the end of the month. I haven't gained too much weight but am feeling so much better, knowing that I'm eating the amount my body is asking for. I'm no longer restricting myself to barely enough and feel proud of eating when I'm hungry, and not feeling bad about it.
"Ok Dr. Jones, I'm here for the wrap up. You wanted me to come back at the end of the month, and here I am, you can weigh me and see how I'm doin' with eating."
I hand over my food journal to Dr. Jones and watch as he reads through it. I can't wait to see what he thinks of my progress.
"How did I do Dr. Jones, can I see the number?"
I watch as he shows me the number and feel tears start to flood my eyes with excitement.
"Oh my God, I did it, I did it Dr. Jones! I... I did it."
I'm overcome with emotion in that moment, the results hit me hard and I just wanna hug everyone in the room and feel the relief that I finally made some progress on this eating thing that's been a problem for so long.
"2000 calories average per day Dr. Jones, all month long."
I sit there taking in the number and smiling at all the progress I've made in the last month.
"Yes I was quite impressed that on certain days you hit the 2500 calorie average. How were you able to hit that number on those days?"
I look at Dr. Jones and try to remember what I ate on those days.
"Oh those days, I ate two huge meals. One when I finally woke up, and one before bed. I just went until I couldn't eat anymore, and then had a snack in between. You know, I used to feel scared and guilty about eating so much, but... it felt so different this month eating all that food, it was like I was happy that I was doin' it for myself. I wanted to eat and it felt good to eat... I just felt free."
"Do you think that having a lot more free meals allowed you to have more money to spend?"
My face lights up as I think about it.
"Yeah I think so actually, it really helped. We could actually afford to eat more this month, and it let my family eat better too. We ate more this month than any other month in the last year. And I liked eatin' food without worryin' about what was gonna happen after. I'm not eatin' a whole bunch and then gettin' nothing for the rest of the month. Not this month Dr. Jones, I finally feel like I can eat. It's such a relief."
"Now how have your energy levels been?"
I let out a huge sigh of relief.
"I feel great Dr. Jones! I feel like I can run a marathon, I'm not tired all the time, no more napping in the afternoons. I feel like I have so much energy, I can't explain it. Dr. Jones, it's wonderful. I just feel so alert and ready to take on the world."
The concept of not starving my body for once feels amazing. I'm so used to going without or only eating barely enough, to think that my body isn't starving and that I'm actually giving it the calories it needs to function the way it was meant too... it feels like magic. I feel so happy listening to Dr. Jones explain it.
"So... my body isn't starving anymore? It gets everything it needs, so now it's able to feel good and have energy?"
"Not quite yet but you've been doing a better job at planning when to eat that you haven't felt as fatigued."
I think about it and it makes perfect sense. Before I was always just eating whatever I could whenever I could just to satisfy the hunger. This way, I get better control over my food intake and give my body the schedule it's used to, making it feel more normal.
"Yeah, that's true. This month I was eating breakfast when I should and lunch and dinner at certain times. It didn't feel like I was just grabbing food from when I got hungry and when I had enough, I was eatin' when I was supposed to eat."
"Now to make sure you haven't lost anymore weight it's time to step on the scale, Mr. Fisher."
I feel a rush of anxiety as I prepare to step on the scale. I feel better than I have in a long time but I have no idea if I'm gaining weight or losing weight. I just hope that I'm not still losing weight.
"When you first started this diet plan, you were at 147 lbs. Now because you're still not eating at least 2500 calories you're still going to have a deficit. That means you're still at risk of losing weight. As long as you don't lose more than 5 lbs you'll be ok."
I hold my breath and wait for the results, the dread setting in and all the anxiety starting to build up as I prepare for the results I'm hoping to not see. I feel so anxious and so ready for the answer at the same time. The moment feels like it lasts forever, but finally the number appears on the screen. I look up and see Dr. Jones looking down at the screen and he has a smile on his face.
"145 lbs. You only lost 2 lbs since we started."
"I lost 2 lbs? That's it?"
I feel an overwhelming wave of relief wash over me as I smile the biggest smile I've ever had. It's like all the weight was lifted from my shoulders and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again.
"Yes that means the diet plan is working. We're minimizing your calorie deficit to slow down your weight loss."
I keep grinning and nod my head, so relieved with the results Dr. Jones is telling me.
"I'm so happy to hear that, really. What can I do to ensure I don't lose any more weight? Is there anything I can do to help make sure I don't get any weaker or anything like that?"
"Keep going with the diet plan. Also try to keep the calories you burn low."
I nod my head and start to get out of my chair.
"So keep eating all the calories I need to feel full and not hold back and also, just... stay as inactive as I can? That sounds easy enough. I can do that."
I get out of my chair and reach out to shake Dr. Jones's hand.
"Thank you, Dr. Jones. This has been the most helpful month of my life. I really can't thank you enough for what you've done, I feel like I've learned so much and gotten so much better."
"You already have a very physical job performing so you can afford to take it easy outside of work."
I nod along and smile as Dr. Jones continues talking.
"Yeah, that makes sense. Well alright, I'll keep up with the diet and I'll be sure to not exert myself too much outside of work, I'll take it easy."
I turn to leave the room to finish the session and head home and call Nellie, excited to make dinner together and to tell her I got through the month with no problem with my eating and that I'm happy with what Dr. Jones said about my progress.
"I'm so proud of you Danny."
"Thanks, Nellie. I really think I'm gettin' to be where I wanna be."
Another month passes and here I am, sitting back in the chair with Dr. Jones, getting ready for our appointment. I've been sticking with the diet and I'm feeling great. Not only is the weight loss slowing down, but I'm not worried about food anymore. I'm able to eat when I'm hungry and I can feel my body thanking me for giving it the fuel it needs. I can even feel my body fill out with muscle mass as a result of working at the club, I'm in a great place and I'm eager for Dr. Jones to weigh me and see this month's results.
"Have you been able to afford a regular diet plan Mr. Fisher?"
I look up at Dr. Jones and nod, I'm pretty proud of myself and he should be proud of me.
"Yeah, we've been doin' better and eatin' so much more as a family. I got no problem affording food this month, we're all doin' great now. It's like I got a whole new lease on life, we're not stressin' over food and eatin' and we got plans to save some of our money for when we don't have as much work to do in the future."
I smile at Dr. Jones and wait for the results.
"It's good to hear that your financial struggles aren't interfering with your diet plan."
He looks at the scale and writes the number down.
"The last time you were weighed, you were 145 lbs. You're now back to 147. That's a 2 lb gain."
I try to hold my excitement back but I can't stop the smile on my face from growing bigger and bigger.
"I did it, Dr. Jones. I gained back some of the weight I lost and it didn't even come back as fat, I got stronger and my muscles are bigger!"
I can't stop smiling as I feel the relief wash over me, the months of dieting and stress are finally paying off and I finally feel like I've made some serious progress. The numbers don't lie and my body is feeling the change!
"That's right. Despite weighing the same as you did when we first started, you're much healthier now. You should be expected to gain the 13 pounds to get to 160 in about 6 months at the pace you're going."
Another huge smile forms on my face and I look up at Dr. Jones, feeling like this is the greatest news of all time. I finally did it, I'm finally out of the hole and eating healthy and regularly like I should be.
"Now when you first started this diet plan you had anemia and a vitamin D deficiency. I would like you to get a blood test for our next visit."
I nod and smile as I take in the news, so happy that my body is healthy and that I'm out of the hole I spent my teenage years in. I'm so excited to get this done and to get my blood tested next time.
"Will do, Dr. Jones. I just have to make sure I don't do too much physical activity this week, right? Because that might give us a bad reading on the calorie burn?"
"That's right. Once you gain the weight you need we can edit your plan. For now just continue what you did last month."
I nod and sit back in my chair, feeling so relieved to hear just that.
"Sounds good Dr. Jones. I'll keep up with my diet plan and make sure not to do anything too strenuous. I can do that, no problem."
I stand up and reach out to shake Dr. Jones's hand again.
"Thank you for all your help for me this month, you have no idea how good this has been for me. And the news of the weight gain is the cherry on top, this has been a great month for me and next month I'm gonna hit my goals for sure."
I notice myself getting better sleep as the month goes by, getting restful sleep and being satisfied when I wake up each morning.
"Wow... I can't believe how much different I feel. My nightmares are going away and I'm sleeping so much better. I think I'm even feeling better during the day, I just feel so much more confident and comfortable in my own body. Dr. Jones is right, just eating normal meals and not denying myself when I was hungry made such a difference. I can't believe I fought eating for so long, it's so much easier this way."
I go to get my blood test and take a seat.
"Alright nurse, I'm ready when you are."
I look up at her nervously, but excited to see if I'm healthier or not.
"Make a fist, Mr. Fisher."
I do as she says and make a fist, nervous as I look down at my fists and then back at her, awaiting her next instruction.
Do you want me to use a butterfly needle?
I nod my head and then look back at her.
"Yeah, I'm ready."
I feel the needle jab my arm gently and then I feel some pressure and some pain. I try my best to stay brave and let them finish drawing out my blood, feeling the needle still in my arm. I take a deep breath, trying to stay calm.
"I understand you were diagnosed with anemia Mr. Fisher. If you start to feel faint don't hesitate to tell me."
I feel dizzy and light headed but I fight through it and try not to look at the needle. I'm so glad she warned me, it's a little worse than I imagined but I take deep breaths and try to ignore it and keep my mind as free from it as I can.
"Yeah... I'm a little light headed here, but I'm alright."
"I can have the back of the chair lowered. Would that help?"
I start to feel my vision go a little blurred and the dizziness grows and I start to feel woozy.
"Yeah, I think that'd help actually."
I'm feeling very dizzy and light headed and I feel like I might pass out from the light headedness and the needle. I try my hardest to keep calm as I wait for the chair to go down, hoping that will help me.
"Yeah, I think that's better."
I look up at the nurse and try to smile at her, still feeling a bit unsteady but no longer on the verge of passing out.
"I only need to take one more vial of blood. Can you handle this?"
"Yeah... I should be okay."
The nurse switches out the final vial.
"Only a couple more minutes, Mr. Fisher."
As I feel the needle slowly withdraw and hear the last vial getting filled with the blood, I feel a rush of relief and joy over being almost finished. I try my best not to move and to keep my breathing steady as I wait for the very end.
"Ok, Mr. Fisher. How do you feel?
I try to open my eyes but the dizziness has me a little off balance and blurry vision. I take some more deep breaths, still feeling a bit light headed and dizzy but more stable. I look up at the nurse, trying to smile at her but it's a little fuzzy like I'm having trouble seeing.
"A little light headed and... I mean, I don't feel good but... a little better."
She hands me a cup of water and some cookies.
"How long do you think it would be before your Pa picks you up?"
I take the water and drink a little of it and try to eat one of the cookies as well, it's just enough to settle me back down as I look up at her.
"Um, he should be here soon, he's only about a half mile from here."
I swallow the cookie and take some more deep breaths, still feeling a little light headed but now looking up at her and smiling a little more, feeling good about making it through the blood test.
"Well you know what to do once you get home. Just take it easy until he gets here."
I feel a little stronger and not nearly as light headed as before, more so a bit tired, I look up at her, smiling and a little grateful to have a good nurse on hand.
"Alright, son. I'm here."
"Thanks, Pa."
I wake up on the couch later that night, feeling a little out of it but otherwise okay. The weight of the day catches up to me and I feel myself drifting off to sleep again. I'm glad I went through all of the dieting and exercise and the blood test and everything and that it's over and I can now just do my best to maintain. I slowly doze off as I lay back down in the living room of my home, happy to be out of the hole I was stuck in for so long.
"Danny. It's time to go to the doctor's."
I get outta bed and go to the office.
"Now then, Mr. Fisher I'd like to start today's appointment going over your results."
I look up at him nervously, feeling excited but also a little anxious to see where I stand now.
"Yeah, let's get right into it, I've been waitin' all month to hear this."
"These are your previous results that saw you get diagnosed with anemia and deficient in vitamin D. And these are your current results. Let me know if you have any questions, Mr. Fisher."
I take in the results slowly, looking at everything and taking a few deep breaths to collect my thoughts.
"Is... the anemia gone?"
"You're still not at a normal range yet, but both will improve to that level once you gained enough weight."
I sigh, feeling relieved and a little frustrated at the same time.
"Okay... well, how about my weight Dr. Jones? Do we know how much weight I've gained?"
He writes down my weight after I step on the scale.
"Excellent work, Mr. Fisher. You weigh 149 lbs."
I feel the air catch in my chest for a second, stunned at the number. I had hoped that I'd gained more than I actually had, but there's still so much to celebrate.
"Now I was thinking that since you're consistently hitting your calorie count, you would only need to come back in 6 months."
My smile grows as I hear the news.
"6 months? That's... that's awesome! So I don't need to come back next month?"
"That's right, Mr. Fisher."
My smile grows and I put my hands out to my sides, feeling the anticipation of a life finally free of my eating disorder.
"Dr. Jones, I can't wait for that. These 6 months will be over in no time and I'll be living the rest of my life with a healthy body and no food struggles, I know it."
As I work on gaining weight, I run into some of the challenges I've had to work with in the past. I find myself trying to force down my meals which causes me to feel nauseous at times and I sometimes struggle to get enough calories in a day. Despite my best efforts, I find myself feeling discouraged and worried that I'm not gaining enough weight or hitting my calorie goals. As these 6 months pass by, I'm happy to be progressing but still frustrated and worried about whether or not I'm going in the right direction.
"Are you ok Danny?"
I look up at him, noticing him watching over me. I nod my head but it's obvious I'm a bit frustrated.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine Pa. Just feeling a little down, maybe I'm not eatin' enough or something."
I feel a little embarrassed as I look down at my half finished plate of gumbo.
"I mean... Yeah, I could eat some more but I'm just not sure if I want to, you know? It's a lot of food."
I try to stay positive but it's obvious I'm feeling down and discouraged. It's hard to keep optimistic and I'm worried that my eating has been slowing more than I initially thought.
"Gumbo keeps fine son. It ain’t gonna be wasted if you can’t finish it all."
It's hard for me to listen to him and I feel frustrated for not wanting to eat more. I know I need to gain more weight but this food just isn't agreeing with me and I feel like something is wrong.
"Yeah... alright, I'll try..."
I look slightly disappointed but ultimately get up from the table and take a walk outside to get some fresh air. I try to take some deep breaths outside, feeling a little more relaxed but still not hungry. I take a few more breaths and try to focus on my breathing, trying to relax and let out the pent-up frustration I feel.
"It's not easy, you know. Every day its a struggle to eat the meals and finish them. And I'm always feeling like I'm not hitting the calorie goal and I'm not gaining enough weight and just having this fight with the food all the time. It just really wears me down."
I feel tired and frustrated but try to put on a smile for my Pa.
"I'm okay, Pa. Just... having a hard time eating everything, you know? And I just wanna make sure I'm hitting the calorie goal and getting it in but I just... I'm not hungry. I'm just not hungry like I thought I would be and it's driving me nuts."
I put my head in my hands and feel frustrated and exhausted.
"Come here, son. Let's hug."
I hug him back, feeling so defeated and exhausted. I feel like no matter what I do I'm failing at it and it's so disheartening.
"I just... I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
"You’re thinking about being hungry instead of feeling hungry. It’s a similar feeling to wanting to fall asleep instead of feeling tired."
I feel the tension come out of my body as what he just said suddenly clicks with me.
"Oh. That makes sense. So just go by my body and when I feel full, then stop? I don't need to force myself to finish the plate?"
"I know it’s important for you to eat a certain amount of calories a day and it’s good that you keep track. Just don’t let your eating habits revolve around a specific number."
I nod my head.
"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of this. I'll just try to listen to my body and just eat until I feel full or satisfied. And if I don't finish a plate that's fine too. It's okay if I have a bit of leftovers. I'm just gonna stop obsessing over hitting the calories and try to relax and eat like I used to."
I feel a bit better, knowing I'm on the right track now and realizing my mindset about eating was just a little off. I have to trust my body.
"You always ate good when we have dinner with Mimi. Just keep yourself relaxed when you need to eat."
"That's good advice Pa, thanks. I've gotta remember that and keep on track."
I sit back down and notice my half eaten gumbo. I stare at it for a moment and think back to what my Pa said before.
"That's right, if I'm full then the gumbo will be fine tomorrow and I can always eat it then."
I reach out and pick up my spoon, but I pause for a moment and look at him.
"It's still okay if I don't finish this, right?"
"That’s right son. No point in force feeding yourself. You’d end up vomiting and losing your appetite."
I nod my head and finally let go of the need to finish everything and begin eating. I take a few bites of gumbo, enjoying the taste and knowing that my stomach is feeling a little better than before. I don't force myself to finish everything, knowing that it'll keep til tomorrow. This feels much better and much more relaxing.
"This is good, Pa, not forcing everything. I really need to just listen to myself."
I put my spoon down and take a drink of water.
"Well if you’re done I’ll put the pot away and maybe in a few minutes you can finish your bowl."
I nod my head, contented with just having a small amount. I notice the pot being put away and realize that I just need to stick to this pattern and know that I don't have to finish everything.
"Yes, that sounds good. I'm good for now and I'm happy. This is the best I've felt in months."
I continue to feel relief wash over me as I realize I'm feeling so much better with food and my relationship with it.
"Pa, I'm going to my last appointment."
"Good luck, Danny."
I walk into Dr. Jones' office and sit down in the chair, feeling a little nervous and anxious but also excited to find out. I look over to him and give him a little smile.
"Hey, Dr. Jones, how are you today? I'm here for my appointment and just wanted to see if I met the goal we set in place for me. I should be about a hundred and sixty pounds, right?"
I look at him with a sense of anticipation, hoping that I met the goal and can start focusing on maintaining and not gaining. I cross my fingers and wait for his response.
"Alright, Mr. Fisher. We're ready to check you weight."
I step onto the scale and look at the numbers, not sure what to expect. It's been three months since my diet started and I know I've been doing really well eating as consistently as possible. I hope that's reflected in the number on the scale. I take a deep breath and look at the number, feeling like so much of this journey has been leading up to this point. I see the number 161 pop up on the scale and I feel so relieved. I feel my eyes well up as I see the number come up. I did it, I met the goal.
"Wow... I did it. I'm actually at 161 pounds and that's where I needed to be."
"Well done. How have you felt ever since you started this weight gain journey?"
I look at him for a moment and think about the question before giving him an answer.
"I feel, I feel so much better. I have more energy and I feel happier overall. It's strange, I used to never be hungry. My stomach felt full all the time and I felt like I was gonna have to force food down just to hit my calorie count every day. Now, though, I'm just hungry naturally. I feel like my body is finally sending me the right signals and I'm eating when I'm hungry but not over eating. It's... amazing honestly."
"You first came here because you said your therapist wanted to rule out physical issues causing your sleeping problems. Have your nightmares improved at all?"
My expression changes as I get a little sad.
"Actually... yeah, they have. I used to have really intense, frightening nightmares. It was one of the things that really affected my sleep. Now I don't really have them as much, just normal dreams and ones that I can wake up from easily, but I don't remember the last time I had the really intense nightmares. I just... sleep easier at night and feel more at peace. I'm not sure if it's just knowing I'm making progress with my diet or if it was something else, but I'm happy they're gone."
"In that case, we're going to move onto the final stage of your diet plan."
I look up at him with a mixture of excitement and a little bit of nervousness too.
"Oh, okay. What comes next after reaching the goal? I'm a little scared about what's happening next. I don't have to keep on dieting do I? I was really looking forward to not having to worry about eating all the time."
I laugh and give him a smile, wondering what the last stage would require of me.
"This final stage is finding the right amount of calories you would need to maintain your current weight since your activity level is consistent."
I nod my head and take in what he's saying.
"Alright, let's get to it then. How will we figure out what that new calorie range is going to be? I'll do my best to stick to it, just tell me what we need to do to make it happen."
I lean forward in my chair and smile over to him, feeling confident and eager to follow through with the final steps now that the goal has been reached.
"There's a certain formula I can use that calculates how much you burn. When you perform at the King Creole what exactly do you do for how long each day?"
I think back to the times when I've been dancing and singing at the King Creole. I know that I definitely feel like I'm moving a lot and that it's pretty active, but I don't want to over estimate it so...
"I'd say it's probably more of a low impact dancing that I do for at least 3-4 hours. A lot of the songs that I've found work best for me are more of a slow groove than anything else."
"In that case you would burn at least 1000 calories alone just by performing."
My eyes go a little wide as I hear the number and I look over to Dr. Jones to confirm.
"Is that right? I'm burning at least 1000 calories a day just by performing at the King Creole every night?"
"Unfortunately we don't have any means of recording exactly what you burn so that number is merely an estimate. I believe to give you a good range we can start off with a 2500 calorie minimum."
I nod my head and feel a little worried, wondering if this is going to be difficult to maintain.
"I can do that, for sure. I don't want to keep on gaining weight but I definitely don't want to start losing any either. Can we weigh me every week or every month to make sure I'm sticking with things? I can weigh myself at home too so I don't have to keep coming back to see you unless it's necessary."
"I would weigh yourself every month. At this point you won't have to keep coming back. Just schedule an appointment when you think it's needed."
I nod my head and smile.
"That's fair. I'll make sure to keep things steady, monitor my eating and stay on top of my weight."
I stretch and feel my arms, feeling the new muscle definition and enjoying the way it feels to be this size now.
Thank you, Dr. Jones, I really appreciate everything you've done for me. I can't tell you how much better I feel now and I'm looking forward to this next stage."
It's my 20th birthday party and life couldn't be any better. I'm on stage at the King Creole and singing one of my favorite songs to perform at this point. It's a song that I've always wanted to sing and it's just a fun and upbeat track to get the crowd going and keep them engaged. My hair is much longer than before the diet and it flows with every movement I make on stage. I'm enjoying a drink to celebrate the day and I look out at my friends who have come out to the nightclub to celebrate with me. I'm smiling and having the time of my life and feeling incredibly happy about everything.
"Happy birthday Danny."
I look over to Nellie and smile, feeling so happy to see her and grateful that she's come out tonight.
"Thank you, Nellie. I can't believe I'm already at this age. I feel like I was just turning 18 a few days ago! I've been looking forward to this night and thank you so much for coming out to celebrate with me."
I look over to her and see the way she's dressed tonight, her hair done really nice and a beautiful smile on her face.
"You look amazing tonight, Nellie."
She wraps her arms around me.
"It's not everyday you turn 20 years old."
I return the hug and make it long, feeling how good it is to put my arms around her.
"I can't believe it, it doesn't feel like I'm this old, but I'm grateful that I have so many people around me to celebrate with today. I'm so glad you could come and see my show tonight."
"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Danny."
"Thank you so much... you know how much it means to me that you're here. I don't think the night could be any better if I tried."
I lean in closer and look at her.
"Hey, can I ask you somethin'?"
"Of course."
I look around to make sure there's no one else around that could hear us.
"I've... been wantin' to ask you something for a while now. I just... I get so nervous every time 'cause I don't want to ruin what we have and I'm scared you'll say no."
I take a deep breath and look at her.
"I've been wantin' to ask you if maybe you'd wanna... go out sometime? I think your hair is just gorgeous by the way."
I look down at her hair and smile at her as it flows down past her shoulders.
"Yo Danny, getta drink homie!"
I laugh and take the mug, feeling a little nervous but also a little drunk. I look at her and smile, seeing how beautiful she is and trying to muster up the courage to ask her. I gulp down some of the beer and decide that now's as good a time as any to give it a shot.
"Hey Nellie."
I look back at her and feel the courage start to rush through my veins. I can do this, I want to do this.
"Hey. I've been meaning to ask you this for a while now and it's kinda why I've been so nervous around you."
Without thinking too much, I just come right out and say it to her.
"I've always had a thing for you and I've wanted to ask you out for a long time now. There were so many times I wanted to just tell you how I felt but I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way. Well tonight... I'm just too drunk and feeling too happy not to just tell you that you're amazing and that I really like you."
She follows me over and sits with me on the couch in the dressing room.
"Hey, Nellie."
I look at her and feel the nervous energy come back as I anticipate her answer. I cross my fingers under my thigh and wait for her to say something one way or the other. She looks at me and I smile, feeling like I might have finally found the courage to tell her how I feel like I should have so much sooner.
"Yes Danny?"
I'm completely lost in the moment as I watch her get closer and feel my heart start pounding out of my chest. This is it, I'm about to find out if she likes me back or not.
"So, it took me a while to work up the courage, but I just have to ask. Do you like me? I mean, the way I like you?"
I look at her and wait, biting my lip and feeling every movement and breath from both of us. She's so close and I can smell her perfume. It feels like every nerve in my body is firing at once.
"Oh Danny."
My eyes widen when she kisses me suddenly, the taste and smell of her sending me into a tizzy of sensation and emotion. I pull her in closer and kiss her back with all the passion in my body, my hands roaming up her back and pulling her in closer and closer. I move slowly and sensually with her, letting my feelings take over and my lips exploring hers and finding something new to love and appreciate each time they meet. I can't believe this is happening and even if this is the apex of the kiss, I want this feeling to never end.
"Nell, honey."
I'm on top of her on the couch, moving my body so it's pressed up against hers. The music blasting from the speakers outside fills the room as we kiss and the feeling that I'm dreaming washes over me. I run my fingers through her hair and move my lips to her neck, kissing her softly as my heart beats faster and faster. I pull away for a moment and look at her, seeing her eyes close and feeling like I want this moment to last forever.
"Nellie, I..."
"Yes, Danny?"
I look her in the eyes and try to find the courage to say what I've been feeling for so long but that I haven't had the strength to tell her.
"I... I love you."
I feel the passion in this moment take over as we continue to kiss. I pull her closer and feel the heat radiating out of our bodies as I move my tongue inside her mouth and our lips explore each others for all that this kiss can offer. My heart is pounding and I move one hand to her hair and the other to grab the bottom of her back. The music pounds outside the dressing room and we're lost in each other. My hands roam over her body and pull her in even closer. I hold onto her tighter and move my leg over her and feel both of us getting lost in sensation.
"Oh Danny."
I groan into her mouth and pull her close again as I wrap myself around her. Our bodies are so close to the point where I feel like we're one. I run my hands down her body and move my hand up her leg. We're so close to what we both want and the tension is becoming unbearable.
"Nellie..."
I whisper softly, feeling like I should be saying more but I'm unable to get the words out. My voice is raspy, my body trembling as I want to tell her how much I love her and how badly I want this to keep going.
"I think we're ready."
I take in a deep breath and move back away from her momentarily but keep myself on top of her. I look at her and feel like we've reached the ultimate point in the relationship we've been building together. I'm feeling the music from the stage outside and can hear the crowd outside, but the only noise that matters to me is the beating of my heart as I watch her and wait for what she's going to say next.
"Nellie... I think we're ready too."
I move my hands to her hair and let my lips explore her body, moving closer as I hear the music outside. Our breath slows as we both realize what we're about to do and the moment in front of us. I take in a deep breath and look into her eyes, trying to take in every feature of her face as we move closer together. I run my hands down her throat and body, the feeling of her skin sending shivers down from my head all the way out to my toes.
"Nellie..."
The music is loud and our bodies are pressed up against each other as we move closer and closer together. My mind is lost in sensation and the music and the atmosphere all around and I can feel her body against mine as we continue to move closer and closer to what we both want. My hands explore every part of her body and I try to memorize every detail. I kiss her harder and harder, trying to get as close as we can as time slows down and we're caught in each other's arms. I can no longer hold back and she can't either.
"Oh Danny! Danny!"
I grip her close and feel the climax approach quickly. I move my body against hers, feeling like we're the only people in the world.
"Nellie..."
I whisper and can feel her body against mine. Time slows down and I feel everything happening in the moment as my body reaches its climax. Nellie. I whisper softly once more and move myself against her, trying to hold back as much as I can but it's impossible. Everything outside the dressing room disappears and I feel like I can't breathe.
"Nellie..."
I whisper again, losing myself in sensation.
"Yes Danny! Yes!"
Everything is happening at once and I'm lost in it, my body moving on its own. I hold her close and let it happen, every inch of my body feeling a release and satisfaction like I've never experienced before. Everything is lost in passion and climax as I hold her close.
"Nellie!!"
I say loudly and continue to move against her, holding her close and losing myself in the moment completely.
"Danny!"
I feel like I'm losing control of my body as every sense I have is being overwhelmed with pleasure. Everything inside me is telling me to hold onto Nellie and never let go. I kiss her face and hold her tighter as the feeling of a release runs through me, feeling like the most incredible thing I've ever experienced.
"Nellie!!"
I yell out loudly and feel her move against me as well, feeling a pleasure equal to what I'm giving her, knowing that it's a shared moment of passion and release.
"DANNY!"
The moment continues to build as we hold onto each other and our senses go numb and we feel the release of the climax wash over us as the music outside drowns everything else out. It feels like the perfect moment of passion and joy and the ultimate release of everything that's been building between us. Nellie screams out in pleasure and I scream as well, letting all of the passion and joy and energy out and onto her, and feeling her do the same right back to me. It's the biggest and best release of everything I've ever felt.
"Oh Danny."
I lay on top of her and rest my head on her chest, feeling like we've just reached a new level of intimacy. I look up at her and see her looking down at me, the light of the stage outside falling on us and giving us a warm glow. I'm smiling and feel myself getting emotional, seeing how beautiful she is and feeling our connection. Things that have felt so out of reach for me are now more than possible with her. I sniffle and try to hold back tears of joy and look up at her.
"Are you alright, Danny?"
I smile and look at her again, seeing the glow of the light come over her and the beauty in her face. The tears fall down my cheeks and I wipe them away, still wanting to be in the moment. The music outside blasts us and we're lost in this feeling together.
"Yeah, Nellie."
I whisper and look at her again.
"I'm better than alright. I'm better than wonderful, Nellie."
I close my eyes and smile at her as she rubs my head and holds me tightly. Even as the moment begins to die down and the excitement wanes, I feel completely content and satisfied. I look at Nellie and smile.
"Nellie... I have something I want to tell you..."
I hold my breath for a moment, trying to find the words in the moment.
"Nellie... everything that... everything I've ever felt for you..."
I close my eyes and feel like the next words I say are the most important of my entire life, and I say them quietly but with everything in my body. I feel that my world just stopped and nothing else matters except her and the feelings I have for her. She looks at me and smiles.
"Nellie... are you... do you feel the same way? I mean, do you love me too?"
I ask, feeling like my heart and soul are in her hands. I look down at her and wait, feeling nervous yet so excited for her answer.
"Of course I do, Danny."
I smile at her and move closer again, wanting to be even closer to her than before. I rest my head on her chest and feel happy that I've found my true love. I feel like I got everything I ever wanted out of this night.
"I love you, Nellie. I really do. And I want to be with you every second of the day. No matter where go or what I do, I want you to be there."
"Danny if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were proposing."
The mention of marriage scares me a bit but I also realize that I do want her in my life forever.
"Well... that idea has crossed my mind. Nellie... will you marry me?"
I look at her with a smile, feeling like I'm asking the most important question of my life right now.
"Of course, Danny. I just hope you can remember asking in the morning."
I laugh and lay my head on her chest again, closing my eyes again. I rest my head on her as I try to absorb every second of this moment.
"Nellie... I'd never forget this night..."
I'm so full of happiness and love that it only takes a few seconds for me to fall asleep. I cuddle up close to Nellie and feel her rubbing my head still, feeling like every moment that passes is taking us closer to our future together. I drift off into a dream of Nellie and me in our home, her by my side for the rest of our lives, taking in all of the love I feel for her and her loving me back.
"Sleep well, Danny."
I lay on my back in bed on our wedding night and feel Nellie laying next to me, looking up at the ceiling and smiling. She turns to my side and faces me, propping her head up with a pillow. I smile back and feel happy and content, staring down at her face as she stares back at me.
"Nellie... are you happy?"
"Yes. We're married now. And I'm so glad that you've been feeling better."
I feel like I'm about to tear up just thinking about how beautiful tonight has been. I look at Nellie and try to hold back my tears but it's almost impossible.
"Nellie, you... you're amazing. Everything about this day... it's been perfect."
I reach over to her and pull her close, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her softly on the cheek. I smile at her and pull her in close, kissing her on the lips softly and slowly. The feeling of her warm body close to mine and her kisses lighting up my soul is the best feeling in the world.
"How do you want to spend our honeymoon?"
I close my eyes and think for a moment, wanting to make the most of every second with Nellie.
"I don't know, Nellie. I just want to be with you everywhere we go. But... I've always wanted to take you to Key West."
I smile and look at her, seeing the beauty in her smile and eyes as she looks back at me. I pull her in close and kiss her cheek again.
"We could get a great spot on the beach, spend time on the sand, swim in the water... what do you think?"
"That sounds great. My cousin Toby's the sheriff there."
I smile again and feel butterflies in my stomach.
"That's right, you have family down there. Well, maybe we could pay Toby a visit and you could show me more of the town. We could drive around all weekend, maybe rent a boat and go fishing."
I lean in to kiss her but stop, wanting to make sure this moment is right.
"Nellie, this is probably a bit premature, I know, but... do you think we'll be ready for kids pretty soon?"
I look at her and feel a bit nervous about whether or not she feels the same way.
"Well. Now that we're alone, I think it's about time I tell you."
I look at her and raise an eyebrow, wondering what she's going to tell me. I smile but also feel my heart speed up.
"Yes, Nellie... what's on your mind?"
I lean in to brush her hair away from her face and wait, wanting the moment to be perfect for whatever she's about to tell me.
"Do you remember the night of your 20th birthday party at the King Creole?"
I nod quickly and think back to that night, feeling like something is about to come up that I've never noticed before. I smile at her and keep my face close to hers, waiting for her to tell me what she's been waiting to say.
"I remember it... why am I getting nervous now?"
I laugh nervously as I feel the butterflies in my stomach take off.
"Nellie, tell me, what is it?"
"I wanted to wait until after we were married, but I'm going to have a baby."
My face lights up with joy and I look at her.
"You're pregnant?! Nellie? Is that what you were avoiding telling me this whole time?"
I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders, knowing that everything I ever wanted is coming to me in an amazing surge of emotion. I feel like I could pick her up out of the bed and carry her like a princess right now.
"That's right, Danny."
I lean in to kiss her but quickly stop, the thought of the child growing inside of her sending another wave of joy through me. I smile and feel my mind racing with possibilities.
"Nellie... this is everything I ever wanted in the world. Nellie, we're going to have a little boy or girl running around the house in no time! It'll be hard work, but a baby is the ultimate reward. I promise to be the best father you could ever imagine."
I reach over and take her hand and smile at her, wanting her to know that we're in this together.
"Nellie... you're going to be a great mother. I've never been more certain of anything than right now."
I look at her and see her beautiful face smiling at me, the glow in her eyes and the joy on her face telling me that I'm with the right person to start a family. It's perfect. It couldn't be better.
"I'm so glad that you're alright with this."
I look at her and laugh softly.
"Nellie, I'm more than alright with this. This is everything. I'm so happy to share it with you. I love you."
Our honeymoon continues and we spend time walking on the beach, in the sun, holding hands, taking in the beauty around us. We drive around the island, stopping along the way to get a bite to eat and see some of the sights. The baby grows inside Nellie and her belly starts to show slightly, but she feels fine and her spirits and mine couldn't be higher. We stay in Key West for the weekend, then head back to New Orleans. It's been a perfect vacation and I'm ready to start a family with Nellie.
#danny fisher#king creole#elvis fanfiction#elvis fanfic#elvis ai#tw eating issues#tw weight#tw needles#tw alcohol#tw sex mention
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Hi,
I'm Mae, I'm 24 years old and tired of giving a shit. I have created this blog for a few reasons. As stated in the description, I have a lot to say but never say it. This is a bad habit that I've had for many years and it has negatively impacted me in multiple ways.
I struggle greatly with opening up, trusting others and letting myself be vulnerable with anyone but my dog. That's not exactly healthy. And I know that ideally, one should deal with mental health issues such as this one with a professional, like therapy.
However, I live in the US and as a part of the lower class, that's a whole ass joke. Insurance is expensive, therapy is expensive, I don't qualify for state provided insurance and even if I did, the waiting list to get seen is several months out, if not longer. And I'm honestly one slight inconvenience of losing my shit. So Tumblr it is.
This blog is not meant to gain a ton of views. I'm not looking for followers, likes, fame or anything of the like. I don't care about that and I don't care about your negative opinions on my issues and/or feelings. My life is too much of a dumpster fire as it is to really care. So if you have nothing nice or supporting to say, don't waste my time or yours by commenting. You will get blocked, and I'll think about it for like 15 minutes max before I get distracted by my own lack of attention span. I personally think it's a waste of both of our time.
I'd also like to make it clear that I am aware that I am the cause of most of my own problems. I make dumb decisions more often than not and that's something I'm trying to change. Hence the blog.
If you want to say something nice, funny or supporting, I do encourage it and because we can all use some positivity in our lives because the world is shitty enough as it is.
A little bit about me.... I have no life. I work overnights and have two jobs, as an RBT (registered behavioral tech) and as a QMAP (Qualified Medication Administering Person (because they needed to make a whole title of it apparently)). I got married at 19 because I was an idiot who was (and still is... lets be honest) desperate for love and support while also being a brat wanting to rebel from my family. I'm currently working on getting a divorce, but I'll be honest, it's not high on my priority list right now even though it definitely should be.
I have a dog, she is 10 years old, and a lab/pittbull mix. She's a big old goofy girl and she thinks she's a lap dog. She's the highlight of my life even though she has approximately 3 brain cells per day. Her favorite things involve being a crack head, stealing food, and forcefully cuddling anyone not strong enough to push her off (me and her grandma basically). She has weird habits like trying to hide her plush toys outside and then forgetting they exist. For the last 5 years I had her, she barked only a handful of times but since I moved back in with my mom, she has started barking regularly. I try to be mad about it but she sounds like a strangled turkey and it's honestly hilarious. She loves fireworks but is absolutely terrified of hot air balloons, I have no idea why.
I live with my Mom for a few reasons, like the rising cost of living, me getting a divorce and her being lonely. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves (like most mother/daughter relationships) but most of the time we just make wise cracks and talk shit and occasionally smoke the devil's lettuce together. Our favorite thing to do is watch TV together, vape and then sit under the stars in the summer and talk about whatever comes to mind and laugh until we get eaten alive by mosquitoes.
She also has a dog, but technically it's her boyfriends (he's just currently out of the country being a tech nerd). This dog, is also 10 years old, and is a weird Shiba inu/Chihuahua mix? That's our best guess. We were told by her breeder she was purebred Shiba inu but she looks weird and shakes as much as a Chihuahua does so we took a guess. She's sassy and spoiled but also adorable. She broke and dislocated her ankle last month while jumping out of the car and just had surgery the other day to repair it. She's been high on pain meds for the last 48 ish hours and it's both sad and hilarious because she is half shaved but also stares at the floor for 25 minutes trying to decide if she should lay down or not.
I have 3 siblings (technically 4, but that's unnecessarily complicated and he's kind of an asshole who I haven't seen more than 2 times in the last 7 years so it's fine). I have two older sisters and and older brother. They live across the eastern side of the US, living their best lives as they can. I like to think we are all super close but there's always long spans of time we just get so busy with our adult lives that we kind of forget each other exist and then after like a month and a half, someone sends a meme in the group chat and no one shuts up for the next 2 weeks. Family, am I right?
My father is for lack of better terms, an POS. He's uninvolved and we are all better off for it. He's a waste of time and space. I may go further into details in later posts where I explain my lengthy daddy issues, but honestly, he's a loser who looks like a fat and homeless hobbit but lives off his 80 something year old mother. Like I said, POS.
For my hobbies, I enjoy sleeping, being sarcastic, and pretty much anything involving art. Photography, drawing and painting are my favorites. I am attempting to learn how to tattoo but it's way harder than it looks and my motivation is about as consistent as my attention span. Non existent.
I'd compare it to trying to draw on raw chicken with a vibrator taped to a pen.
I love music and it's one of my main coping skills. I like metal, pop, and some rap. (I am proud and un proud of being able to rap with Nicki Minaj with Bottoms Up). And indie pop is a top favorite recently.
I am an introvert at heart but at the same time, I don't know how to shut up (as you can probably guess from this long ramble) and have little to no filter. A lot of people find me weird and unsettling. They aren't wrong. Sometimes I wish I was a proper extrovert because I think that if I had more self confidence (and the social battery to be around people) I'd have a lot more fun and have more memories beyond working and staying at home watching Supernatural or The Witcher (I'm a sucker for pretty boys).
I'd love to go out more, meet more people and experience life. I'd like to go clubbing and go to bars and socialize. Maybe have a hoe phase. I'd love to meet new people and make memories and have funny stories to tell my 13 cats when I'm old. But quite frankly, I hate people. I hate loud and crowded places. And I especially hate being touched. It generally comes down to me getting outside my comfort zone and also having friends who have time to do that shit. And money. That's a reoccurring problem for everyone though.
That's pretty much me, thanks for reading, and I'm proud if anyone actually read this whole thing. I appreciate each and every one of you, and I'm glad you're here. Don't give up on your mental health journey and take care of yourself, yeah?
Wish me good luck on my journey to get over the shit I've got going on in my brain, I'm gonna need it.
Picture is of my dorky dog, Sable 😊
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Chapter Four.
11 August 2023.
I sat here and cried for thirty minutes. Lol, I am tempted to call my circle of friends and cry some more. I'm honestly in a weird space. I sat here again and praised who I am, in order avoid succumbing to my thoughts. One thing I said to myself is Ke'Anna, you are great at understanding even when you are misunderstood. I thought to myself as a partner, I have grown and I love that for myself.
When I am in a relationship, I am able to validate my partners feelings without making it about me, egotistic. If my partner has an issue, I am welcoming of their feelings without even thinking. I am a fixer without hesitation. I don't insert my thoughts about how I FEEL, because it's not about me. It's about my partner in this moment. I avoid the, "well I thought or I think..." mindset, because again, it's not about me. I love the fact that I listen to understand and to find out how my partner feels. I love the fact that in that instant, when I say I am going to do something I actually do it. And that's growth.
I don't ever want my partner to feel like their feelings are dismissed or invalidated. I have people that I use to talk to who said that's what they liked about me the most. *le sigh, but they could never really provide me the same. The lack of reciprocation. I sat here and cried, because at this moment I don't feel amazing inside. I honestly don't. I tend to move forward because that's how life is. But how I feel remains the same. I think part of me what I have noticed throughout the years of my life is I never receive reciprocation. Do I expect it, not really. Would it be nice, most definitely. Years of therapy and learning to communicate with abuser did something, someone go thank the SHE of Ike turner. I really dislike who I am right now. I never felt like this but I do. I can't even ask God why he made me this way, because there is no reason to question it. I just don't get why I have to fix and care about everyone's feelings but when it comes to mine, I'm dramatic. My friends have said I am dramatic several times, until they hear me crying and they realize I actually have emotions. I cried about the same thing in May and June, when everything was happening. Like why Ke'Anna. Just stop caring about everyone's feelings. Stop fixing shit. The whole Barbie friendship I am sure they want me to fix that too and I didn't do shit.
Why is it that no one comes to me and fixes things or take accountability or just simply say, I am sorry, I am going to go ahead and fix the issue. It's always a debate and trust me it never fails. The tears are coming... I honestly don't ask for anything really, but respect and loyalty. My feelings to be validated. Maybe that's why ol girl tried to lock me down so quick, Lol, I am as transparent as they come and don't need to lie about anything. She said, "i want us to be exclusive..." Lol, I wasn't having it, because who are you? I mentally stimulated you and think differently now you trying to lock me away with no ring, honey please. Lol. Phew women. I try to laugh to stop the tears seriously. I should start posting on Twitter and speaking on subjects like this. I know intellectual conversations is a turn on for most. Maybe I am too loyal? I shouldn't be. Should I go back to Snapchat, like I use to and preach. I honestly don't feel like getting hit on, Lol, not really laughing but more annoyed about it. I mean I know how to put people in their place, but still.
When I don't sleep it means things are not settled within me at all. I'm no longer overthinking but I am just disappointed more than sad. I cry it out for a couple of days and then I feel what should be my next move. I guess I am tired like I said previously. The things I yearn for in my life will never be fulfilled and it pains me. Even with my friendships, I ask for my feelings to be validated, that means so much to me than anything else. I am sure I will overcome this, but I know what will become of it. It also sucks when I have feelings or a issue everyone is upset, at me for being upset and I just think that is beyond unfair. That honestly grinds my gears to the fullest. How narcissistic can you be? but in the end I am glad I am that partner that people want in their life when it comes to validation and understanding a person's feelings. Like a show I watch on youtube, she always says, sometimes people just want to be heard and that is really it.
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This message might be all over the place but I'm irritated.I ended things with my boyfriend.He claims to be in love with me,want us to get married etc.He been saying this for 17 months straight and just don't believe him for many reasons.
My thing is, simple shit he act like he can't do.
Example, communication.He has acknowledged that he is not good in that department each time I have mentioned it(apparently other people have told him his communication is ass since he was younger including his family,now he's 45 and it hasn't gotten better.
If I don't text or call him then I won't hear from him all.I could go weeks without hearing from him if I don't hit him up and to me that shit is unacceptable.Too much shit going on in the world for anyone to be on some... Oh,I'm just not a big texter or talker so that's why I haven't text or called you to check on you ESPECIALLY if I tell you I'll call you but you don't ever hear from me... wouldn't you think to check in to see if I'm okay or alive? Smh
Like I'm out here going through shit and he knows but I can't even get a text or call like...hey, just wanted to check on you to see how you are or if you need anything etc.I have done that for him since day one but I'm just that type of person.I do that with everyone I cross paths with especially when I know they're going through things.
And it pisses me off because he always has excuses talking about... I'm bipolar,I'm a introvert etc,so? I'm a introvert who has issues mentally too so to me what he's saying is irrelevant because he keeps saying the same thing.
He knows I've been going through so much for over a year,taking care of my parent with cancer,losing my fucking mind because mentally I'm struggling,working six days a week just to provide for my family....but he claims he loves me and won't even pick up the phone to see about us? But tells me all the time....I know I don't keep in touch much but if you tell me you need me then I'll be right there. Yeah,he does pop up if I tell him I need him to but my thing is,wtf do I NEED to ALWAYS reach out to a grown ass man especially one who wants to be with me?I feel like if he's keeping in touch with me daily or weekly then he'll know what's going on and automatically be there instead of me having to hit him up and tell him xyz. He's just irritating me because we've talked about this so many times and that's why I broke up with him.
I tried to give him time to get it together and his mom died.I tried to be there for him through everything and he kept pushing me away but unlike him,I WAS THERE regardless of how he was acting.I text and called a few times a week to check on him and his family, offered to go to therapy sessions,tried to get him out the house and take him out to dinner etc.Him shutting me out + the lack of communication is what ended things. But to swear you still want to be with me and keep acting like that and blaming the bipolar, depression shit is beyond me. I feel like either get help,work on it or leave me the fuck alone.I got enough going on in my life,some real heavy shit and to know that + watch me cry and not even try to make things easier for me by just checking in like I always do him says a lot.
Shit if you can post dumb ass shit on Facebook then you can hit my line or easily stop by since he lives close by.Smh.I'm about to delete his number.I'm tired. I'm tired of ALWAYS reaching out to people checking on them and them not giving a fuck.
My mom has done that all of her life even though she has cancer she still calls people and check on them almost every day.Smh.Since he wants to blame everything on his mental state then when and if he ever reaches out to me again ,I'll let him know I had to cut ties with him because his behavior + the disregard of my feelings was affecting me psychologically and emotionally.I don't like confusion. After today,I'm not reaching out to anyone first.I want to really see how many dead plants I've been watering since I keep reaching out to people first. I'm over it.
good evening, love -
ive read this countless times to make sure im responding in a way that true to my heart on this.
you're being drawn on a lot emotionally and financially. do you think this is sustainable for you?
with your pre-existing conditions, mother battling cancer, financially supporting the fam, a break up and working hard you deserve a lot more support. maybe make a year plan to consult some financial advisors or save for a vacay? are you in therapy?
im concerned that it sounds like youve just withdrawn entirely, instead of decidedly tell this person its over. ("if he comes back i will tell him..."). And like you will take it out on others ("Im going to stop texting first and see...").
i see your heart. and i know you have a love for people, inordinately abundant love. i can tell. youre going to have to set limits of how long you allow people draw on your goodness and when you will tell them to stop.
how many days you can be ignored until your self-compassion cuts things off? Not just because it's hurtful, but bc you know if deserve better and the only action that would match would be to release situations like this asap.
also - we cant equate our own mental state to anothers', even when we have the same diagnoses. everyones conditions manifest diff, they manage diff & they have diff resources.
it would be great to assume that everyone is going to have a handle on themselves and their lives like you. (Youre managing incredibly, girl!) But everyone is too unique for that to be the case. Youre going to have to balance your great love for people with a decisive action when youve been more than patient waiting for others to meet you halfway.
praying earnestly you cultivate even deeper love for yourself, and for who *is* for you. and that you find an ease in being who you need to be to receive what and who God has for you.
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With all this talk where our person fits into this topic? And second hope . Doesn't watch porn because he said he watches ☹️.. and thirtly how will . And sm dynamic on this and how will . Towards sm 😅 I'm so curious after all you said because I agree with everything you and those linked asks says
Sigh. Why anon? Why can’t we just shit on men for a bit without it coming back to one of the least shitty and problematic men.
Where in the past two years has this person said they do that. If you’re gonna claim stuff, provide receipts.
Idk how you guys aren’t understanding what is repeatedly said. Maybe because even after a decade y’all still don’t or can’t see this man clearly. And you “love” him. LOL.
How many times can people say he’s not a piece of shit, he’s not gonna treat them like a piece of shit and they will have a happy and healthy relationship? That’s it. There’s no buts or ifs. No big shockers or plot twists. This man has been in therapy for five years. Idk why you guys think he’s an asshole. Yes, unfortunately, he is a man and that is something y’all need to remember when you pedestal him. At the end of the day he is a man and men aren’t shit. That being said, he’s actually one of the people leading the charge on men not being shit and owning up to their shit. Idk how anyone listens to his music and can come in my inbox and ask this shit. Stop asking me if he’s an asshole or abusive or gonna be horrible. NO NO NO NO. No to any other questions along those lines. Don’t come here with that mess anymore. It’s old and tired. Move on. Y’all need to get your shit together with this. I’m being serious as fuck. Quit putting that energy out there. This is my last warning. And if y’all see him in a bad light I deeply encourage you to look at whatever is going on inside yourself that skews your vision to that degree. Because spirit can show you what a bad person is, trust that. Y’all don’t want to play with fire, so stop tempting the universe to burn you.
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Jax is upset right now because he was criticizing me having feelings around Jane. I had a trauma moment yesterday bc I found a gray hair and it triggered a ptsd moment for me, afraid of turning into my mom. Then, I came home and was still thrown off bc… ptsd moment. And we were talking all about how Jane was acting up last night trying to pick a fight. And jax is always like “oh I don’t think you realize your emotions have an effect on other people. I got anxious bc I knew you were in a bad mood and was on defensive looking for something with Jane and you. So I could shut it down.” Like it’s my fault for having any sort of negative emotion around Jane. Like seriously? Wtf? I’m supposed to just be happy all the time around her even if I’m not?
Then jax was saying about how he had feelings too that came up when I have feelings. But like, and I said this to him, those are HIS feelings to manage. And he’ll just start talking about how I’m a shitty person for having feelings bc it’s impacting him and he doesn’t know how to calm himself down. Like he needs support from me on his feelings so he thinks that I’m not giving him that support. But then he’ll tell me he doesn’t want me to do anything. It’s very passive aggressive. He’s not happy with something but doesn’t know what he wants me to change.
Honestly? I appreciate him comforting me when I’m sad etc but it’s never really that much. I don’t turn him into a therapist ever. And I feel that he wants me to do that with him. He does have feelings and I do dismiss them sometimes. But it’s like the same feelings over & over & over again. Ie. With his anxiety around illness /pills. It’s the same conversation over & over. I get bored doing it. These topics are things that he needs more than what I can provide. He needs a therapist. It shouldn’t be in depth emotional support helping him get to the bottom of all his issues. That should not be my expectation. So I don’t do it. I am his gf, not his therapist, and it wears me down for him to constantly put me in that role. Also, even if I were to offer more therapeutic support to him, he doesn’t listen to it. He doesn’t put it into action. So just… why? That feeling of frustration is why I don’t provide that level of support to him.
Also, I am tired of him constantly criticizing my behavior around jane. It is constant. He always says I bicker with her a lot, or that she tries to compete with me, etc. but he is sorta just now seeing that his child has problems too. Like he always wants to put it on me that something is wrong. He wants ME to make the perspective changes, me to change my behavior, but the thing is, I went to therapy for a long time. I might be wrong on some parts but I spent a lot of time learning to self reflect and analyze behaviors. I am amazing at it at my job. My actions are statistically less likely to be unhealthy than the person who didn’t do as deep work on themselves.
I’m just honestly exhausted. I feel like I’m pulling the family healthy and that’s great, so much progress, etc. but it’s exhausting. Esp when I’m doing all this work & jax is still like, “do more.” Like sometimes i wonder if we are fundamentally just incompatible. I wonder if we just have way too different views on parenting / self work. It’s coming out too lately in intimacy. I’m not wanting sex as much. I don’t always want to be vulnerable with him, bc I don’t always feel safe emotionally. And that is bc he criticizes my feelings a lot when I am sensitive.
Ie yesterday. He did give me a good passionate speech on how I’m not my mom, but he also was critical. WHY do you feel this way. You SHOULDNT feel this way. I was just playfully teasing. Etc.
How am I supposed to feel safe when he criticizes. Esp with him, I have these intense, powerful orgasms. Sometimes they bring up intense feelings and I want to cry. Or like I’ll get triggered during sex and have to stop and be held type of thing. And I don’t want to be criticized in that deep moment of intense feeling. So I just don’t want to. It doesn’t feel supportive.
I’ve also gotten to the point in our relationship where certain arguments I no longer want to have with him. Like around rayne, parenting, money. We’ve had them so much and it’s so much for me to break down for him that I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want want to talk about it with him bc it’s the same ass loop. He has to be separate and just learn on his own. When he’s ready and wants to, he will change. I don’t want to put effort into it.
And like, the gift thing today. He said he was going to stick to practical gifts with me. Like gift cards. No jewelry. No pjs. Bc he said I don’t wear them. And that’s cool but it’s like he’s no longer putting so much effort into the relationship. He doesn’t care to find great presents for me bc ? Idk? He’s tired too?
I don’t think he could do it all on his own tho. Like with Jane. I think the transition would have been too much. I think he’s not used to having her so much. I think if I left, he’d prolly flail a little bc I do a lot of helping her with behaviors.
I’m like, I want to stay with him and work stuff out. But I also think it’s a lot of therapeutic effort I put out & that the effort isn’t always matched. I appreciate having a space I can have feelings in & the growth that comes from this relationship. But I also am just exhausted from the growth. Esp that first year. It was hard to adjust to having a kid in my life, living half time with her, not getting triggered so much, different parenting philosophies, different money ideas, and living on grid again. It was hard. I just want to rest a little and not worry anymore.
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therapy wolf
Hi yes Twilight h/c
Twilight is the chain’s therapy wolf.
Even when he isn’t in his wolf form, he provides them with what they need to make it through the day.
He’s holding them all together and..
Twilight can’t let himself open up about how he feels because of it.
He’s tired of everything, but he has to be there for the others.
He has to be.
They don’t have anyone else.
“Hey ranch hand.”
Twilight glanced to the side, watching as Legend sat next to him.
“Vet..something wrong?”
Legend sighed, debated with himself, before nodding. “Yeah.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Yeah.”
Twilight sighed, removing his pelt in preparation. “Go on. I’m listening.”
Legend frowned, playing with his rings.
Something’s really wrong.
“Do you ever wish you hadn’t done something? Even if the thing you did was deemed good?”
Twilight paused for a little while.
He had a conversation with Four a while ago that started the same way as this one.
“Sometimes.”Twilight eventually spoke, shrugging. “Why?”
“I dunno.”Legend sighed, and Twilight frowned.
When it comes to these conversations, Legend is one of the few who are extremely vague about what’s wrong, and Twilight hates that.
But he’ll be patient.
“Legend, is there something you regret doing?”Twilight tried, sitting up straight.
Legend made a frustrated noise, before hiding his face in his hands.
Twilight gently put his pelt around Legend, waiting for him to speak.
“It’s my fault.”Legend whispered, refusing to look up. “Twilight, a whole island is gone because of me..”
Twilight didn’t mean to, but he jolted slightly in surprise.
He wasn’t expecting a confession like that.
“Legend...I...I doubt that’s true-”
“It is. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”Legend snapped softly, then sighed. “I’m...sorry I..I’ll go.”
“Legend-”
Twilight couldn’t finish his sentence, as Legend simply gave the pelt back and walked off.
Twilight let out a sigh as he watched Legend leave.
He’s stressed.
He’s stressed, tired and..lonely.
Twilight feels so fucking lonely.
He knows he’s not alone, but the feeling doesn’t go away.
He wants to talk to someone.
Anyone.
He doesn’t really care who it is.
“Rancher?”
Twilight let out a frustrated sigh, mentally preparing himself for enduring more therapy. “Captain. Something wrong?”
“No.”Wars shook his head, sitting next to Twilight. “Are you okay?”
Twilight hates it, but that question broke him.
The rancher broke down into tears, burying his face into his hands.
He can’t be crying right now.
He’s gotta be strong for the others.
Wars frowned, gently rubbing Twilight’s back. “That’s a no then. What happened?”
“I'm—I’m sorry-”
“Twi.”Wars sighed. “Don't apologize. Just..tell me what's wrong. Please?”
Twilight took a couple breaths.
He isn't sure if he wants to tell him but..
He will.
“Warriors I..I love helping people. I do. But..I don't think I can hold everyone together when I'm not even holding myself together..everyone needs me and I don't know if I can be there for them.”
Wars sighed, pulling Twilight into a hug.
These two don't interact a lot, but they do still care about each other.
For reasons only they know.
“You don't have to be the therapy friend—”
“I want to be. But it's difficult. I want to be there for the others but-”
“But you've got nobody to talk to about your problems, huh?”When Twilight nodded, Wars continued. “Not even Time?”
“I..I don't wanna bother him, Wars. I don't have anyone..”
“..you have me.”Wars shrugged. “I'm listening to you right now.”
“Yeah but—”
“Twilight, listen to me.”Wars sighed, looking at him. “If you need to talk to someone about your problems, you always have me. Alright?”
Twilight paused, then nodded. “Alright..”
“Now c’mere.”Wars pulled Twi closer, letting him rest his head on him.
Twilight stayed quiet, shutting his eyes.
#ravio writes#dumb puppy#ravios linked universe tag#linked universe#lu#linked universe fic#lu fic#linked universe twilight#lu twilight#captain oblivious#linked universe warriors#lu warriors
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Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 5
Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 5
Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader
Rating: R for language and light smut.
Words: ~2000 words.
Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*.
Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost...
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
******
You didn’t grow up with hugs, so you never really understood the big deal about them. Nothing irritated you more than when acquaintances wanted to hug you. Over the years you’d learned to accept it and go with the flow but intimate gestures from people you barely knew made you uncomfortable. The only time you didn’t mind being hugged was by Davina and even then she was careful not to overdo it. But right now, with Billy’s arms locked around you, you pressed up against him, he felt so good, so solid, you never wanted to leave his embrace. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt so cherished, and the fact that it was Billy – you didn’t want to think about what that meant.
You wrapped your hands around the back of his shoulders, simply breathing him in.
At first the comfort Billy provided was enough to distract you from what happened today, but then you were suddenly struck by the memory of Adam pointing his gun at you. Thanks to your father’s outbursts you learned a long time ago to stay calm in hostile situations, and that skill came in handy this morning. While Adam spewed hatred at you and accused you of destroying his life, you kept him preoccupied and talking until the cops came up and managed to haul him away. But once the danger subsided, all of that unleashed fear came back with a vengeance and you hadn’t been able to shake it off since then. Shopping, and then Billy’s unexpected arrival, had provided a temporary distraction but it was still lingering in you, threatening to engulf you at any moment.
Your fingers trailed up Billy’s back. One hand cradled the nape of his neck while the other reached up to play with his hair. He was so tall you had to stand on your tip-toes to run your fingers through his silky strands. You dropped a soft kiss on his chest, over his sweater, then on his skin as your lips dragged up to the base of his throat. His hands caressed languidly down your back, and you groaned when he squeezed your ass. Your hips ground into his, needing more from him than he was giving.
Adam’s face flashed through your mind, his sheer hatred of you stamped across his angry features. Your chest felt constricted, like you couldn’t breathe.
Before you could change your mind, you reached up to kiss Billy.
Every thought in your head instantly dissipated.
You’d forgotten what it felt like to have his mouth devour yours, hot and wild and reckless, tongue on tongue, tongue against teeth, nothing about it soft or tender but simple, pure assault on your senses. He didn’t just kiss with his mouth, he kissed with his whole being, every movement of his reverberating throughout your body. Even something innocuous like his fingers fisting your hair heightened your desires, making you more frantic.
Usually he was very much in sync with what you wanted, he could read when you were in the mood for slow and sensuous, or when you wanted to be fucked hard and rough, and he always delivered. But today he seemed to want to take his time even though you kept pushing for more. Charging forward, you trapped him against the wall behind, kissing him ferociously while your hands rushed to the buttons on his jeans. As you tried to undo them your fingers shook violently, frustrating you so badly that you tore your mouth away from his just so you could focus on ripping them off.
“Y/N,” he groaned, panting.
You didn’t look at him, too busy unzipping his jeans.
“Y/N, slow down…”
Your fingers delved beneath his boxers to palm his cock. You missed the feel of him, the touch of him, how slick he felt in your hands when he was hard. Before Billy you never thought cocks were beautiful but his was thick, long and divine, made to give you the most incredible of pleasures. Your mouth and pussy thirsted for him-
Abruptly, Billy grabbed your shoulders and forced you to back off.
Caught up in passion, your brain scrambled to figure out why he was no longer touching you. Breaths labored, you stared up at him, confused, as he pulled up his jeans. Before you could catch your breath he was whirling you around, forcing you against the wall, gripping your wrists tightly over your head. His penetrating eyes bore into you, like he could see right through you or something, and the thought scared you. Leaning forward you tried to kiss him but he angled back, rejecting your attempts.
“Hey,” he murmured. “Just stop. Okay?”
“I thought you wanted this.”
“I do but-”
“Isn’t this why you showed up here?”
“Look, you’re messed up right now.”
“I’m fine!” you snapped, struggling to release your arms from his grip. “I want this, ok? I want you. Let me show you. Let me fuck you.”
He focused on you closely, his eyes dark and stormy, before he finally loosened his grasp. When you moved to cradle his face, he retreated back. Forget kissing you, he didn’t even touch you. Instead, he knelt down to pick up your robe from the ground and cover you with it. That’s when you noticed you were naked. You hadn’t even realized your robe had slipped off.
You were naked and desperately throwing yourself at him and he was purposely rejecting you. It felt like a slap in the face. You were mortified.
Pushing him away you tightened the robe around you and tried to sidestep past him. Except he blocked your path.
You tried again, he did the same.
“What?” You snarled, swallowing the lump in your throat. You were embarrassed as hell but you’d die before telling him that.
He tilted your chin, forcing you meet his stare. In turn, you glared at him.
“Sex isn’t going to make you forget what happened this morning,” he said softly.
“Maybe I just wanted to feel something good.”
“Doesn’t last long. Then you’re stuck feeling shitty again.”
You were tired of his sanctimonious bullshit. He of all people shouldn’t have been lecturing you on using sex as a distraction. “Like you’ve never used me for sex?”
“Fine, yeah, I have. And I don’t want to be used in the same way.”
“You’re such a hypocrite!”
“I don’t want you to regret being with me.”
The intensity in his eyes was spellbinding, piercing you right through to the core. You trembled when he brushed your cheek with his fingers, your heart pounding. Throughout your time together, you’d studied and learned many of his expressions and nuances. The excited bounce in his movements when Anvil booked a new client, the underlying bitterness in his words on those days he’d gone to visit his mother, how dark and glossy his eyes shined when he was about to come. But the way he was watching you now – this was new to you. This was dangerous territory. The last thing you wanted was to get caught up in Billy Russo again.
You wrenched his hand away. “If I have regrets, I wouldn’t bother you with them.” You shrugged your shoulders. “Anyway, I told you yesterday. If we have sex again, I’d see it as closure.”
The shift in his eyes was instant. A second ago there had been warmth in his gaze, now there was only disdain. “So you can move on?”
“Not just me. You too.”
Molten eyes narrowed into slits. “Maybe I don’t want to move on.”
“What does that even mean?”
His jaw was clenched, his mouth set in a hard line. “Why do you have to make this so complicated? Why can’t we just go back to how things were?”
“I threw myself at you five minutes ago and you rejected me! And now you’re telling me you want to keep sleeping together?” You massaged your temples, feeling a headache coming on. “Are you purposely trying to fuck with my head?”
The sound of your phone vibrating loudly against the coffee table drew your attention. You marched over to see who was calling. Spotting Roger’s name, you tensed immediately. Why would he be calling you late at night unless it was to tell you Adam was being released? Your heart started pounding as you picked up the call. “Hey, Roger. What’s up?”
Billy snickered beside you and you cast him a dirty glance, turning away from him.
“How are you holding up? I was worried about you, I wanted to check in.”
You breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn’t calling with news about Adam. “I’m fine.”
“I received an email from HR. They said you refused an appointment with the therapist?”
“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” you insisted. You’d tried the therapy route years ago and found it to be a waste of time.
“Unfortunately, it’s not optional. You know how it is. Insurance. Liability. All of that. We just need to make sure you’re okay.”
You exhaled a resigned sigh, rubbing the side of your head again. Today was not your day. “Fine. I’ll make an appointment.”
“Good. I’m glad.” He cleared his throat. “And if you need to talk to me, I’m also here.”
“Thank you for the offer but I’m alright.”
“How about we meet for dinner tomorrow? I want to run some ideas by you about the expansion.”
You groaned internally. You had a stack of work you needed to do and you were hoping to catch up on it this weekend, but turning down a work dinner with your boss wasn’t a smart idea. “Sure. Tomorrow night sounds good.”
“Any preferences?”
“How about Piatti’s?”
“You love that place, don’t you?”
You chuckled. “Yeah, it’s one of my faves.”
“I’ll make reservations for 7pm. See you then.”
“Yeah. Thanks for checking in, Roger.” You hung up and put the phone back on the coffee table.
“Yeah, Roger, thanks for checking in.”
Hearing Billy imitating your voice, you turned around to find him balanced against the edge of the sofa arm, his long legs sprawled in front of him. Arms crossed, he was staring at you with a stern expression. “Isn’t that sweet? First his negligence almost gets you killed, and then he checks in to play the hero.”
You frowned at him. If he was anyone else, you would have thought they were jealous – but you knew Billy didn’t feel that way about you.
His lips twisted into a sneer. “And of course you eat it all up. Because he’s such a fucking sweetheart.”
“What is your problem with him? He’s a nice guy, and he was actually really great with me today.”
“I bet.” Billy’s voice was laced with hostility. “Nice. Sweet. He’s checking of all the right boxes, isn’t he? But can loverboy get you wet? Would he even know how to make you come?”
You finally snapped. “Are you jealous or something?”
Silence hung in the air as he simply stared at you, his jaw ticking. “Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not my fucking girlfriend.”
His words may have hurt, but they also served as a cruel reminder of why you needed to walk away. “That’s right. I’m not. So this thing you’re doing…” You wagged you index finger back and forth between you and Billy. “This interrogation stops now. I don’t answer to you. Who I’m seeing, who I’m fucking, who I’m interested in, it’s none of your business. So stay out of my life and I’ll stay out of yours.”
He stood up to his full height, probably trying to intimidate you. However you held firm, leveling him with a heated glare as he closed the distance between you. His eyes were cold, contempt etched on his face. “Bring the vibrator on your date night with Roger. Probably only way he can get you off.”
“Fuck you, Billy!”
“Not interested, sweetheart,” he snarked back, walking past you.
When you heard the door shut a few seconds later, you walked over to lock it.
You spent the rest of the evening trying to distract yourself from the warring thoughts in your head. When it wasn’t Adam’s face haunting you, it was Billy mocking you. You tried watching a movie but that did nothing. You attempted working next, but you couldn’t focus. Eventually you realized there was only one thing you could do to lessen the fear. You needed to get ahead of it. Adam may have been angry and unhinged, but he came from a powerful family. Even if he couldn’t be controlled, they could be. So you did what you always did to protect yourself. You started acquiring information you could use as leverage against your enemies.
Part 6
A/N - Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the likes, reblogs, comments, feedback and the asks. I’m so grateful to have wonderful readers like you. As always, if you have the time, I’d love to read your thoughts on this chapter.
If you want to be added/removed from the tag list, please let me know. A few people have asked to be tagged, but for whatever reason, Tumblr wouldn’t let me. I still have you on the list, though you may not receive notifications.
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I have an idea!
Ok so we all know that Hanseo is abused by his big brother, and if i remember correctly, the jipuragi trio found out about it from the guillotine file for the first time.
Now hear me out, what if the jipuragi trio found out about the abuse from Hanseo himself, not from the guillotine file??
After failing to burn down geumga plaza, Hanseok threw that object at Hanseo, telling him not to dodge it, and it left a scar on his forehead. When Hanseo visited jipuragi, he seemed proud of that scar, right?? Because thats what he got from saving geumga plaza, and he hoped that the scar would show them that he wants to be on their side.
BUT lets forget about all those stuff for a moment.
Hanseok loves to strangle, threaten, and hit Hanseo with the hockey stick. It certainly happens more than once, so i figured that there must be a bunch of scars and bruises on his body right?? What if the jipuragi trio noticed one of his scars/bruises?? I know Hanseo always wear long-sleeved stuff, so its not exactly visible, but what if someone caught a glimpse of it??? Perhaps the scar/bruise was on his arm???
Maybe when Hanseo visits jipuragi, Vincenzo asks him to wash some coffee mugs, and as Hanseo is rolling up his sleeves...
"yo whats that on your arm??"
And maybe Hanseo is like "thats a bruise..? Do you not know what a bruise is??"
Okay, idk. I have no idea how he's gonna react if that happens. I just feel like Hanseo wouldnt be proud of his scars if he didnt get them from trying to save geumga/jipuragi people.
And now im just wondering, what do you think? How would Hanseo react, in your opinion? If the jipuragi trio really did find out about the abuse from Hanseo himself, how would that affect their relationship? Im really curious about what you think
Hhhhhhhh sorry if its too long. I just thought that this might be a good way for Hanseo and jipuragi to kinda get closer with each other...
han seo headcanons (part one)
helloooo, thank you for sending an ask in :D
SORRY this answer is super long and for some reason my phone isn't allowing me to add a keep reading cut thingy, apologies in advance to the amount scrolling you have to do
tw: abuse
i've been thinking so much about this ask and just how han-seo would react to them finding out, and honestly i never really took note of how many long sleeved shirts he wears. i believe han-seok has switched a lot more into emotional manipulation and abuse than physical abuse but he has a lot of anger issues. i'd honestly imagine him using han seo as a punching bag for any and every inconvinence that happens to him, even as an intern.
i also agree with you, han seo is someone who is a very bright personality who tends to hide his hurt and emotions, and he's very very good at it as he has been living under a psychopath his whole life. he's good at hiding his anger (although it definetly bubbles over in smaller outbursts) and especially his hurt (i.e. the scene that han seok throws that candle holder at him and he just smiles back). han seo has a lot of anger at himself for not speaking back or being able to act like himself. like in that scene in the office, you can tell as he curls his fist that he wanted to speak back so badly. even when he finally snaps against han seok, he said "i'm getting tired of being afraid of you." i feel like he'd be embarrassed that even after years, he hasn't been able to escape his abuse
next>
(you can also read the following on ao3)
i feel like this scene and their dynamic would play out something similar to this:
han seo joined the team and has been working with vincenzo and cha-young for around a month. at this point han seo isn't walking on eggshells with both of them, he's a lot more comfortable and visiting their office regularly without choi/han/han seok finding out.
sometimes it's vincenzo and cha-young providing him books to study economics from, maybe even giving some brotherly/sisterly advice to him. every couple weeks, vin and cha-young give him quizzes and slowly, he's getting better and better
over time, he even got closer to the plaza residents (even though the residents were definetly cold to him in the beginning, miri scaring the shit out of him by doing her ghost thing, the lady with the lipstick from bye bye balloon staring him down, snack bar lady refusing to serve him, larry also scaring the shit out of him by doing his zombie routine)
but despite this, they adopt him into their family, han seo doing small errands for the residents, him buying the best coffee, food and getting camera equipment for the snack bar lady's son. han seo gifting the pawnshop couple with cute baby items etc.
(obviously he buys the most expensive shit bc he's still a rich boy, but they dont have to know)
(side note: he'd be fucking adorable with a baby, imagine him being the babies "uncle han seo" who gets them the best gifts !!)
even though he was comfortable with all of them, every once in a while his facade would slip.
every once in a while, someone would make a sharp movement towards him and he'd flinch. or if someone makes a quick step towards him, he'd back up and stiffen up on instinct
even if it was someone patting his back or just making a quick movement, he'd react on instinct from the years of abuse from han seok. but no one ever said anything about it if they noticed.
one afternoon after lunch, they were washing dishes, han seo on washing duty and cha-young drying and placing them back. and han seo was in his full sleeves and cha-young notices his sleeves getting wet
"yah, roll your sleeves back, by the end of this your whole sleeve will be wet! you know how uncomfortable those sleeves would be?"
"ahaha, it's alright noona, i'll be fine"
han seo tries to laugh it off, grining at her with one of his wide grins but there's something off about this one. but cha-young gives one of her patented glares and he rolls them up carefully, shielding his arms from her view, and continues washing the rest.
cha-young doesn't take note of his bruises at first, but noted the care he went through to shield his arms from her. his arms were posed almost awkwardly and he was on high alert
it wasn't until after they both finished and he was drying his hands that cha-young saw the massive bruises he had, climbing up his forearms and under the sleeves
he stiffens when he sees her stare, and quickly tries to cover them but she grabs them before he could hide it
she's completely quiet while she stares at his arms. after a moment, he speaks up
"oh i accidentally banged these against my doorway, they're just small bruises. it's go away in a couple days" he smiles at her again but she could tell from the way his shoulders were frozen and the wavering of his voice that it wasn't the truth
"did he do these?" she asked him, her face completely neutral and her voice barely a whisper. she's still looking at his forearms, her fingers ghosting over the bruises.
han seo just looks down and the silence is enough of an answer for cha-young. he walks away, embarrassed that she found out about it, even though his years of therapy told him that it wasn't never his fault, he still felt the shame and anger of not being able to break free.
he's quiet for the rest of the time, feigning tiredness and finding an excuse to leave the plaza
that night, it was just vincenzo and her working at the office late, in preparation for babel. cha-young's mind was still on what she saw that afternoon. abruptly, she stands up, her hand gripping the pen in her hand as she turned to vincenzo sitting at the other desk.
"did you know that bastard hurt him? he's been abusing han seo this whole time?" she asked vincenzo, her voice seething with anger
"i know."
"you know??? why didn't you ever say anything?"
vincenzo looks up at her from his stack of papers, setting his pen down.
"it wasn't my place. i picked up on it when he flinched when mr. tak reached toward him to place a hand on his shoulder."
cha-young sat back down then, her lips pressed together, and vin went back to his paperwork
"we should get him out of there. who knows what han seok would do in one of his rages?"
"couple nights ago, we went to drink makgeolli and i offered him a way out. i told him if he ever needs to leave, and if he's ready to leave, he has a place at the plaza."
"and is he? leaving that is?"
"no. he thanked me, but said that he needed to stay until his brother and his group crumbles to the ground."
cha-young let out a sigh, biting her lip, the worry on her face all too evident
"hong cha-young byeonosa-nim, we shouldn't baby him. jang han seo deserves revenge against his brother just like we do and the choice is ultimately up to him."
"i know. i just worry."
they stayed quiet for the rest of the night, working late but the topic never leaves cha-young or vincenzo's minds
the next day, han seo avoided her like the plague, not wanting to talk about what she saw yesterday
but while he was studying, she approached him, a glass of juice and a snack in hand, setting it next to him. she checked over his work quietly as he took a break and glanced at his arms, doing a once over just to make sure he didn't get any new ones.
"well done, han seo, you're doing well" she smiled at him and ruffled his hair and han seo let out a breath of relief and gratefulness that she hadn't treated him any different
from then, cha-young and vin only got fonder of han seo and han seo was pretty much adopted by them. after the battle and han seok is in jail permanently, he moves out of his apartment, and gets one closer to the plaza.
mr. nam would show him how the organization worked at jipuragi and put him to work, the paralegal grateful to have an extra hand around the office
eventually, even han seo grows an affection to the instant coffee and buys more for himself and his apartment
vin would take him shopping for suits, both rich boys obsessed with their sleek looks. they take cha-young with them once but she manages to sleep off at every shop they go to.
vincenzo also plays hockey with him regularly and the plaza invites him to plaza game nights. they get up to all kinds of mischief,
han seo loves spicy food, just like cha-young so they make it their mission to go to try every restaurant and compete to see just how much spice they can handle. obviously vincenzo doesn't even make it past the first round of the spice competitions but cha-young and han seo have the same competitive streak that keeps them going
han seo is also dropping hints to both of cha-young and vincenzo that they should get married. constantly teasing vincenzo about cha-young in the way only younger brothers do
obviously on one of cha-young and han seo’s days out, han seo drops hints CONSTANTLY, trying to get her to admit cha young likes vincenzo
and OBVIOUSLY she slips up, and han seo doesn’t let go of it
he does the whole younger brother teasing every single time he catches cha-young glancing at vincenzo at the firm
“cha-young noona and vin hyung, sitting in a tree. K I S S I N—” “HAN SEO!!!”
obviously chayenzo eventually get together but decide to keep it a secret (and of course, they were awful at it)
eventually when they reveal it to the office, mr. nam and han seo react like that one scene in suspicious partner (“quick, act surprised” “*gasp* you guys are together??????? we had no idea!!”)
han seo is basically adopted as a younger brother to both cha-young and vincenzo and even the plaza loves his presence and he gets to have a peaceful existence for the rest of his life
anyways han seo deserves a happy ending with a good family. he deserves a second chance with a family that LOVES AND CARES FOR HIM AND GIVES HIM CHOICES AND ALLOWS HIM TO BE HIMSELF. (and yes this covered more than just one scene but I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS ON HIM) as always feel free to add on :D
#yes han seo calls her noona#they’re attached at the hip okay#both of them are chaos machines#literally vin cha young and han seo are the definetion of *too much energy* *too much energy* *calm*#mine#vincenzo#vincenzo cassano#chayenzo#hong cha young#song joong ki#tvn vincenzo#jeon yeo been#vincenzo x cha young#jang han seo#jang han seok#kwak dong yeon#ok taecyeon
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