Why is it that, when I walk into the apartment, and jane instantly gets up and starts magnetizing toward me, following me around to the point where I’m in the kitchen and she’s trying to get in there as well to get right up next to me, and I tell her to stop doing that, why is it that *I’m* the one jax wants to blame? Why does he say, “oh she’s not being bad, that’s just your perception”? But then a minute later, he tells her that “she was fine a minute ago and then started being off the moment I walked in the door”? This tells me he DOES see it. Maybe not as quick as I can sense the dysregulation but he DOES see it.

I’m not triggered, I just set a boundary. I hate it when she does that clingy shit. I don’t want to be treated like I’m a drug for her. It really is like I’m a drug for her and her little brain just can’t handle it, and the dopamine just starts kicking the moment she sees me, and she starts getting addictive. It’s not healthy. She should be able to be calm. Excited, *actively* hyperexcited? No. Happy to see me? Sure.

I just told jax that he can never really see my side when it comes to her, so I just don’t really bother anymore. It doesn’t really matter, as long as my shit is respected. When I tell her don’t treat me like that, he tells her to just leave me alone. And that works. Eventually she will get it from the boundaries I exhibit and am consistent with, though really he should be doing the work to explain to her about personal space and regulation while I’m away.

Also, I’m respecting my body more. She asks me for a hug, after being like that, and my body doesn’t want it. I feel bad for her, and empathy, bc I don’t want it, but she needs to come way down before I would be in a space to want one. I don’t mind hugging jax and I do. But I’m not going to be guilted into hugging Jane when I don’t want to. She does ok with this, tho she always has something to say about it, and mostly opts for air hugs and air kisses now, which is great. This is def something her step dad does with her and I think that’s great. It is wild that big reparative parts of janes parenting is coming from her future step parents instead of her actual parents. I can’t say much for her mom, but her dad is definitely learning though, and it has been a journey to let go and let him do the parenting. It has worked out so far each time he does and it’s interesting to see him do it. I don’t think he knew how to do it before, and he saw my model and followed it.

I remember one of the first times I ever met Jane, she was all dysregulated and fighting with one of her toddler friends and I emotionally coached her & Jax was super into it. He said it was “hot,” and that he felt like he owed me money for a therapy session. That was so long ago, and we were such different people then. But I miss being appreciated for it, you know? Now he just gets resentful of it. Especially when I talk to him about a lot of areas Jane is lacking in, due to the parenting she received in early life. He’s just resentful and angry now. He thinks when Jane has behaviors, it’s my fault, instead of focusing on Jane being the one with behaviors. And I just really miss that. I used to be appreciated in that way. Now I am just criticized and honestly, sometimes gaslighted.

I can’t wait to go to therapy with him. I’m struggling with connecting with the therapist tho and coming up with a time she answers her phone. Arghhh

You know, it’s reallll easy to judge someone’s behavior in a crisis when you’re on the outside, not really even fucking involved in what’s happening. It’s sooo easy to critique someone else’s every little action instead of taking responsibility and saying, yeah, I fucked up the first 6 years or so of my kids life, I let her mom do all the parenting and didn’t complain at all, it was just so easy to be the fun parent I didn’t want to step up until I had this solid ass base. And now you’re here and I get to just blame it all on you and it’s just so nice. That’s fine.

Just Ughhhhh I am so tired of carrying the weight of janes behavior. When is he ever going to see that it’s his and his ex’s reflection?? I just want to be gone so that he can really see the cause of her behaviors. It’s just frustrating bc if you take me out of the equation then she’s great, bc she always gets her way. There’s no room for behaviors.

I feel like telling him my plan to avoid the behaviors. Maybe the day of tho.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this but I really just don’t right now.

Jax is upset still about what happened with the food. He says it was a trauma response, he can’t express his feelings around it, how much my trauma impacts him and Jane, how hard it is to handle all my trauma stuff. He wants me to go back to therapy bc I still have triggers. I think he expects there to be no triggers whatsoever and for me to just be happy all the time. And it’s just not realistic. That is not how trauma works. It’s really more about learning to manage it. I manage fine. What will trigger me when I’m managing it, is for Jane or him to disrespect my boundaries bc they don’t understand what the fuck they are. It’s really more Jane (improving so much!), but I think Jax struggles with them as well.

Also, just no empathy for the fact that I was still adjusting to having a kid in my life and then!! Right away, 50% of the time, having her move over. He didn’t even think of how it would affect me. I mean he did ask me but he didn’t really show a lot of empathy he just went for his dreams. Which is fine. He can do that and I encouraged him to do it. But there’s like no accountability for how he adjusted. Esp when he had her younger and had more time to adjust. Also, he gets this validation all the time that just like he’s doing a good job simply bc he is male. It’s like, he takes a picture of her and people are automatically like 🥰 🥰 🥰 what a good dad omg whereas for me it’s not like that. It’s harder for me.

I think sometimes Jason just isn’t educated enough on trauma for me. He isn’t sensitive enough, he makes comments without thinking of how I would perceive them, he has these unrealistic expectations of me. He doesn’t see how (or doesn’t *want* to see how) choices he made without even thinking of them impact Jane and her behavior. I’m starting to think i could probably only find understanding from someone, a partner, who also experienced heavy trauma, but idk, it also isn’t a place of growth to be with someone like that, I don’t think. I feel like Jason can’t handle the entirety of my trauma. I feel like he can’t accept me for who I am. He is the one person in my life who can’t see how amazing I am with my healing and who tells me to go back to therapy. I think it’s a reflection on him. That he needs to go back for his perception of shit.

I think sometimes about leaving if I’m honest. I don’t want to. I really do love him, and I want to be a part of this family. I just feel overwhelmed with the amount of education I need to provide him in order to support me better. And then me working through stuff same time.

I wonder what it would be like to be with someone who does like how Benji does. Just gives me a lot of space. But replies. Who analyzes with me what happens and who really helps me grow. I also think it might be exhausting at times, bc he has those gifts bc of the trauma he went through. The trauma would be overwhelming.

I just don’t know what to do. I put a lot of work into this relationship and I’m mostly happy. In the beginning, yeah it was a lot and I really thought a lot about breaking up. Then, I started growing applying some work stuff to my home life about connecting, and it didn’t really happen so much anymore. I mean it does sometimes but it’s normally not as big, and not as often. It does bother me that I write when we have problems bc looking back it seems we had all these problems but I’m just processing. Idk how to journal about positive stuff. There have been so many positive moments. I feel supported a lot. I feel loved a lot. I feel secure in my relationship and can really get all the bad shit out now, bc I feel I can trust him to stay after. It’s also scary. It was scary having him sit in with me on therapy. I told him tonight, I gave him trauma-lite. I gave him the littlest amount of info, and he was already surprised by “the severity of my trauma.” He is supposedly already overwhelmed by my trauma. I think more like the growth he experiences as a result of my trauma. Bc he has to examine his own shit bc I don’t just let him shit on me. Or like, these responses I get from him around how “I’m blowing things out of proportion” “causing a big thing out of nothing” etc these are all flags for gaslighting.

I’m like, so do I just break up? I feel like we are still growing together. I am growing, he is growing, and idk after we argue and resolve stuff we get closer. I just feel like this trauma stuff is between us and isn’t making a lot of progress tackling it. I feel like the root issue is that he hasn’t done enough work on himself. He is allowed to be imperfect, and I am not. I’m expected to react perfectly every single time. I am also sad at myself bc I kinda knew it going into the relationship. I knew it and I tried to ask him how much therapy he’d done, and I had an answer of years, and his was months. I had a feeling to stop it and not go through with it, but I was also getting a lot of “yes”es. Like we just clicked, you know? There were a lot of signs. The sign with the guy after divorce in the parking lot. I asked god to tell me the name of my future husband and that guy was my answer. He showed up, he … idk. It’s hard to put into words all the stuff. He showed up right when I needed someone as I lost my way (my car). He talked with me about my divorce. He invited me to Phoenix, which was like a sign for me bc of how Phoenix rise from ashes. It’s always been my sign. And I just knew. It was scary. It was a prayer answer. Same as it was that night when I was healed. It wasn’t in the way I thought it was lol but I think it was to humble me, I’m not sure really.

But when I saw jax on our first date I just knew. I was like oh ok this is him. I broke up with all my other tinder dates / other people and chose just him. He was amazing.

And then how we are always on the same thought process but slightly different. How he listens and supports me. It’s a lot. I don’t think I could have gotten through the first year of my job, which I love, without him.

I also think thinking of breaking up every once in a while is common for LTR. I did it with doug, and I didn’t even ever get as close to him as I am with jax. He didn’t get my trauma like how jax does.

I guess ultimate goal. Reveal myself fully trauma and all and have someone love me, all of me. If he can do that I guess it’s ok.

Also I wanted to say that jax did all this literally as he was planning with Jane to make her s’mores popcorn together. Coated in powdered sugar. Chocolate chips. Marshmallows. But he wants to complain bc I had “too much” mashed potatoes.

Also I know he is thinking about what I said about boundaries bc he started talking to rayne about boundaries around her being in the bathroom by herself when bathing, and that she needed to start changing in the bathroom after she bathed rather than run out naked to her room to change.

I actually don’t mind it but I think she needs to be covered like with a towel or something all the way. She thinks it’s funny to show people her naked body and won’t keep it private.

Jax saw today what I meant about Jane playing with the older boy rather than people her own age. How she started to try to play with the boy rather than the two girls her own age, after the dog. How she just like strives for that male attention. It’s yuck. He just told her no tho, removed her and didn’t explain really. I think he did good. We already had the talk with her. No need to make it an antagonistic thing. Just… try to not let it happen.

So much today. And I can’t even talk about it with anybody because my best friend Drusilla is too busy starving herself. I’ll get to that later, but I really need more friends who are therapeutic. So I don’t rely so heavily on her / in general unhealthy people.

So. Bc I feel a little guilty with that intro, with her. She is constantly mismanaging her money. She only gets money from her ex for alimony and child support, but it always comes too late and she BARELY makes it to the next payday almost each week. She is always stressing and running out of food bc of it. Or like, with her kids and laundry. Or how she has it in her brain that she needs each kid to have exactly what they’d prefer to eat or they starve. One or the other. No in between. She projects her food issues on her kid, like with sensory stuff. Her kids are just kids who are picky and I’m sorry, but being poor you can’t be picky. You eat to survive.

Idk how to help her. I’m not going to be her financial rescuer again (it only happened once but still). I have been that over & over in my own life with my own family & it’s just too much burden on me. I work really, really hard for my money and I work hard to save it. It’s not fair I have to compensate for people who don’t have that discipline. Yes I know capitalism and low income being stuck being low income and so on and I agree with that premise but it also is a problem with impulse control and poor planning. She is in this terrible cycle of lack / “abundance” and so she binges the moment she has any money and it’s just not healthy.

I have been trying to tell her lately that one of the underlying issues is that she doesn’t have a job or source of income that doesn’t come from child support or alimony. I know she has serious mental health stuff going on but she could prolly work part time. Just to have a little. She’s like, stuck in this learned helplessness stuff. And it’s really really sad for me bc I know it, and I empathize so deeply, but also I just can’t. Also, I feel sorry because when I was going through tough times after divorce all I wanted was someone to help me. Just a little bit. Like if someone could just loan me the money to finish the house, and then I could pay them back. But I just really felt like I needed to rest, and not worry about anything other than healing from the shit- but I also at the same time had to meet my basic needs- and struggle to do it. It was a lot and overwhelming and it led to a lot of resentment, esp bc people kept pushing the self-reliant shit on me, when that wasn’t it. I think it was gratitude honestly. I think it was a lesson in gratitude bc I already am very self reliant and resourceful and so on.

But drusilla, she is not very self reliant. She is resourceful tho when she has to be. When it is pulled out of her. And that’s what I want for her. If I gave her money it just perpetuates the problem, and extends it longer. She needs to break the cycle of learned helplessness and I get it, it’s hard, and she might not be all the way there yet, but it has to happen eventually for her to grow. I just hope I can continue to be kind to her, as she struggles, and that I can be a spot where she can process some of the shit, and that she can do all that without giving her or loaning her money and sacrificing my own boundaries.

If I did loan or give her money, I would feel disappointed in myself. Bc I am trying to break the financial savior cycle. I would feel a little resentment toward her, bc she “made me” back track in my growth. Also, it’s once again me repeating the same pattern. Also, resentment bc she didn’t have to learn the same lessons I did.

I don’t want to hurt myself with my feelings anymore so I’m trying to protect myself from those feelings. In the process tho, on this route I’m on, I do feel very worried and concerned for drusilla and especially her kids. I know they are her world, but if she can’t improve her ability to manage money and provide food for them, she will get them taken away, and I just know that would devastate her. I’m also worried she won’t like me if I say no. Or that she’d tell jax some of the shit I’ve talked to her out of revenge, I don’t think so tho. But it’s there, my worry. I know tho if those things happened then she wouldn’t be a real friend and I should lose her anyway. I also feel sometimes guilty if I spend money on… whatever I want. Like my bedroom stuff. It’s not a survival need and my friend is starving. But I did earn that right to those items by working hard and learning those financial lessons and she… did not. Yet.

I hope she does learn to grow. I hope she can. I will certainly pray a lot for her and think of her. I hope she learns as many lessons around finances (and food!) as she can in this. I hope she can reflect when she does get paid and choose better, so it doesn’t happen again.

So that’s with her.

With Jax, today we got into it and it wasn’t even about Jane at all. I recently got a dietician. He tried to strong arm his way into my first appointment, which failed, but I did allow him in as I was curious about having him there for a vulnerable talk. It turned into basically food therapy. And it was very weird. Good, but also weird and uncomfortable and I will analyze each appointment if I want him to go or not. It was nice to be comforted tho in my moments of vulnerability.

Anyway, today at dinner jax started to critique me over my mashed potato portion size. He started referencing the dietician and what she said, and I got really mad. I set boundaries that my physical health is my responsibility, and not his. I am in charge of what I eat, not him. I stared at my plate for a moment and then realized that if I ate at that moment it would be out of anger, like literally eating my emotions. So I went back to the kitchen and started dumping everything back into the serving dishes except for the tiniest bit (like a spoonful) of mashed potatoes and my broccoli. It caused a ricochet fight where we were both yelling full force at each other. I am right. I told him that it was his job to control janes portions as she is a child and still learning, and his own, but I am his partner and an adult. I can eat whatever I want whenever I want it. It is my choice and he is trying to take away my autonomy and infantilizing me. He was yelling about how, earlier, I wanted to make a graphic of the portion sizes my dietician had sent over to me, and put it on the fridge to try to increase awareness and mindfulness around eating. He said he was only trying to help me remember. I told him he was controlling. He said I can’t put my graphic up on the fridge. “It’s not fair that I can talk about my portion sizes but not him.” They’re my fucking portion sizes! I told him that having access to information that you can choose to look at or not is not the same as either directly or indirectly through the use of coercion / influence, controlling someone else’s portion sizes. It isn’t his place, period! He started getting really defensive and saying he wasn’t going to cook anymore, etc. He said he won’t care about my food stuff anymore. He said I was projecting my trauma on him but I’m not. This is basic boundary shit. Bc honestly his ex wife does that shit as well with her new fiancé where she controls what he eats and it is so damn flaggy, and the fact that he doesn’t have a bigger issue with it shows me it’s the same thought process in his head as her.

I don’t really care tho. If that’s his reaction to my boundaries, that’s that. But I will not allow some trauma-uninformed (and I know! He cares and is trying to support me!! I appreciate it! Same time!) guy who has had no training at all in food or physical health or mental health tell me what I can and can’t eat, how big my portion sizes are, etc etc etc it’s just not going to happen and I’m not going to allow that treatment of me. He can support me in other ways, ie going to the sessions with me WHEN I want, being quiet in sessions and not making comments, listening to me as I process some stuff regarding food occasionally, and… that’s basically it! I don’t even really want his active support you know? It’s basically just listening if I need it. Which honestly, I don’t a lot of times. I really just want neutrality he doesn’t need to be there with me every step of the way in my growth. It feels like I’m having to slow down the growth to bring him up to speed too in order to support me.

Jax says things sometimes that really hurt bc he doesn’t always have a therapeutic perspective. He tries and grows, but it takes a bit first. He just is not very sensitive or empathetic. He can be! But it’s not as much as I need sometimes.

Anyway. It’s been quiet since. He went outside with Jane and didn’t tell me for a good chunk of time. He talked to me outside a tiny bit about Jane. Then silence and avoiding. Then i locked myself in my room temporarily and we kinda laughed together but he was more exasperated than anything. Then, Jane went to bed and he didn’t come out except for s little bit to get something quick. I gave him a hug and said I loved him, and then talked to him some about drusilla. He was very short and choppy with me. Then he went to bed. I think he’s still mad. I think I will let him sit in it and figure it out. And maybe talk about my support expectations from him, and boundaries between food professional, me, and him. I might make a graphic to help him understand.

Ugh. So much tonight.

I’m sort of on the verge of deleting Facebook. I’m not sure yet tho. I enjoy groups and interacting with strangers more than people I know. I like to sometimes read the drama of people I know, or see how they’re doing in life, but it’s not a big thang anymore. There’s not a lot of interesting stuff on fb these days.

Also, I keep thinking of what my therapist said, that I need to be intentional about the relationships I develop. And then yesterday as well with what the trainer at work said. He said to develop connections with people who are burning INTO the work, not out. All of those people, a good chunk of them at least, come from pre-healed times. High school. Behavior kids flock to each other. Then, college, which was okay sorta- it was def higher level of people- but it was still that kind of dynamic. I was higher than them. Then, divorce and I lost a lot of those people. And realized they weren’t able to support the full me but I never deleted them from social media.

I think also fb can kind of be like a crutch. I think instead of developing connections in person I geared toward online. It gave me confidence in stranger interactions, but didn’t allow me really to grow socially. Maybe if fb is gone I can do that better. Pick a better circle. I think in the beginning it’ll be lonelier, but able to do it, bc I have such a strong connection with my partner and work relationships. But eventually I might have better.

I’m also excited on this new getting rid of stuff trend I’m on. I feel like I’m on the verge of big growth. I think fb is kind of clutter socially and it’s taking up space I need for the real relationships I need in my life.

I want to keep TikTok tho. It’s very informative. I also would miss some of my online groups on fb. I could go through and delete most people, or like… create another account and just join the fb groups but idk it’s not appealing, plus every time you do that people re-request you anyway. I like the cleaning ones and I have this great feminist one I see that really broaden my minds. The drama posts are fun too. I also like the transgender education group I’m in, though honestly… I liked it better when the main creator was more active & she just isn’t now. She made me feel less alone bc all the therapy. I would also miss my online friend I met in the divorce group. And maybe two others from there as well. I feel like with friend 1, I could probably give him my number to keep in touch, but I’m also on the fence bc I want intentional relationships that are reciprocal and I don’t think it’s really reciprocal. Also in growing some of the stuff with him was a little unhealthy… tho healthier in some ways than a lot of others.

I could also get a Reddit. It’s all anonymous I think and I could find a lot of those same forums there. I’m not sure tho.

I don’t miss posting. Well sometimes. But it’s also lost a lot of appeal for me. I don’t need the validation anymore. I don’t even have a strong desire to keep all this blog tbh. I often think of going back and deleting posts. I’m just like, who cares! Online isn’t real friendships anyway. That’s my thought process now.

Am I happy?

I looked back on old photographs when I was very much struggling with the tiny house, with my divorce and my mental health, and I just glow. A lot. I remember being very happy a lot. Also very lonely and very isolated, and very overwhelmed. And it’s like I feel jealous of her. I feel jealous because that girl was living her dream, and also she had no responsibilities and a lot of potential.

I’m like, am I happy in my relationship? I think so, honestly. I feel really secure and stable, and very supported when it comes to hard times in my life. I feel seen, all of me, for once, and it’s nice to not hide. I get in fights with him, and I’m **mean** and I don’t hold back. I’m not afraid of breaking up in a fight anymore. I just know to communicate whatever it is that’s bugging me so that I can see some changed behavior and be happier. And I do see changed behavior and I do get results on my conflicts.

But am I happy? This life is not how I envisioned it at all. I never thought I would have an 6, 7, 8 year old present and so dominant in my life. I never thought I would have KIDS in my life and now I’m working with them all the time. And it’s so stressful at work sometimes but omgsh I absolutely love it and I feel like I glow at work a lot. But at home? I don’t feel like I glow. I feel like I haven’t really done a ton of self care like how I used to.

I used to spend hours in the gym bathroom just primping, showering, masks, hair masks, and now I just “don’t have time.” I do tho. I guess I just have different priorities. Sometimes I don’t really feel like me. I’m coming back tho! I see glimpses. But I don’t feel crazy true to who I was before. I still am true to myself tho. It’s just that I AM DIFFERENT now.

I know that this is common in parenting. Esp when a baby enters your life. Mine is different bc she’s older, but I definitely had that shift into a more parental role and it was sudden. I just want the phase to be over. I want the realization that I can still be both at the same time to hit me so I can get on with life. But it’s not coming yet. Bc honestly… I’m still adjusting. It’s only been a year. Idk how long until people feel comfy with their new identities as parents but it’s probably not only after a year. I’m ready for the next step, you know?

It hurts more bc I’m probably going to sell my tiny house. I went to take photos today and idk I’m having feelings about sending the photos out to the buyer. I really want to take the step and do it, so that I can improve (I have a current habit of letting things rot in my life before I let go instead of releasing them much earlier) but it’s also just really hard. I looked at my curtains today. I hand sewed them when I didn’t have a sewing machine. I was that determined. And now, I’m selling the house, custom curtains and all. It hurts my soul. Also, someone broke in so I really need to do it quickly. Also, it’s my land as well which makes it harder. I loved having a safety net and the idea of going out there for space or for processing purposes.

It’s also a lot of hard memories tho. Like hand sewing. I was DESPERATE. Trying to survive. There’s concrete bricks on the ground from when I had to shower outside. But I was so happy doing it. I was living the dream. And now I’m not living the dream. I’m living a dream, and have a lot, but not mine. I am happy, but it’s not what I envisioned. It isn’t what I wanted.

I don’t super want to continue with Jane at this point tbh. I’m not a fan, tho I have earned liking her generally now. But if I had to break up with JUST her and not see her anymore, I don’t think I would be very sad about it. Maybe a little, but I don’t like yearn for her when she isn’t around. Maybe sometimes. But not very often. I’m honestly content having a distant relationship with her. If things were perfect, honestly… I would love it if we had the arrangement we had before, where she only came once per week maybe two days max. See her every once in a while on a camera. But no, her mom is just a little toxic, and the arrangement was never truly like that. He never stuck to the parenting plan and always had her randomly. It was unpredictable which was shit for my mental health. Also hers, tbh. Also, that whole dynamic lends to “Disney dad” type shit and that was so triggering for me, to have a 6-7 year old dictate my whole day, bc of their lack of seeing each other enough.

Also, jax would be sad and always want to see her more and I love him and want him to be happy. He can’t be happy without her as maxed out as possible.

Jax, I would miss like hell. He is my other half. The person who knows me best, I think. I tried not to make it like that, but it happened. He knows me and my traumas and who I am now and who I was back then. I think sometimes he knows me better than Dan did.

I feel like I just need to give it more time. It says in step family books it takes up to 4 years to adjust. It’s only been 1.5 with her. Plus I never had kids in my life before. Blah tho. It’s scary bc I hate wasted time. And I hate the idea of waiting and being patient and then discovering I really wasn’t happy. I’d rather cut it now before wasting years and years. But also, I’m not unhappy tho? I would say I’m content. Im not glowing-level of happy yet, but I feel like when I’m more adjusted I could be. I’m not sure.

I don’t know how to glow with my relationship like how I glow with work. I don’t think I ever have tbh. Even with Dan feeling all mushy praying and shit talking about what a blessing he was, I think it was overcompensation.

I don’t really know what I would want in a spouse to glow. Maybe… total understanding. Or a willingness to try to understand. A good sex life with lots of pleasure when I want it. A good connection. Company when I’m bored. Someone to have my back no matter what.

Do I need to be challenged to grow in my relationship? I’m not sure. But honestly those things fit what Jax and I have, even the growing stuff. I feel like I belong. I do like to feel like a top priority tho and I know I’ll never really be that with Jane. And that is ok and natural. But bleh.

Not really sure what I want in a relationship tbh. I never really sat down to think about it. I do want longevity and the ability to grow together and adapt to who we are new. Someone who takes part in the same activities with me with some common hobbies. That’s prolly missing atm. Also it’s hard bc jax is still adjusting to mental health job and I’m adjusting to kids so we’re like both adjusting together. It’s also kinda cool bc we have been different people together this whole time.

I got rid of a lot of the leftover journal stuff from my divorce. Maybe a little from childhood. It is just really hard even though they’re very depressing. I guess a part of me wants me to remember it all, and be sad about it bc I was like super talented as a teenager in writing and in working through my stuff. Sans any therapy yet. I was very self aware, and I’m not sure why. I feel like that was my gift.

I’m just struggling. A lot of it is depressing. And before I thought, oh, I keep it to see how far I’ve come, but it just makes me feel negative about it now. Very sad. I used to like it bc I liked to pick apart and analyze my stuff later on. Like when I was 16 I’d write stuff about my past and then when I was 18 I’d re read it and from a new vantage point keep analyzing and growing off it. But it’s like… met that purpose. I also had this idea that I would be like Anne frank but for abuse. That idea is gone now from when I got rid of the most of the childhood / divorce stuff. I still kept some tho. It was just really hard.

It’s hard bc I feel also like that part of me, 14, 15, 16 yo me, didn’t get a voice. I feel like my journal was my voice. And I wasn’t allowed to even have that. And so it feels disingenuous to get rid of it.

I also am noticing I’m losing a lot of old stuff recently. Tires, I guess. Wisdom teeth. Now tiny house. It was broken into. I need to sell my tiny house and my land now. I have to talk to Donald and figure out how to get his name off the title for the trailer & do it bc the broken in door is a flag. I guess it would get a lot of money toward my future goals. I just pray god will help me figure out how to deal with that and the stress of my wisdom teeth. Also my upcoming year of gas payments 😫

Really tho, should I keep depressing things? I remember little me. I think she was just writing those things in order to survive. I think she thought she was leaving her legacy, that someday she would die at the hands of Kevin & that the police would see her journals & send him to jail & justice would happen. But now I know it’s not my legacy. My legacy is in the work I did on myself and in the people I help. The growth and change I made in my life. I think if teen me knew that, I think she’d be ok with getting rid of the old stuff. I think she’d be happy to know I grew and could now write positive stuff even about my own traumas. I think she was just really afraid of being forgotten. But I don’t think I will ever forget her. She was cool as shit.

This is how it should go.

Me: what’s up with these memes

Him: I’m feeling stressed bc Jane is a fucking lot and I didn’t realize that when I took on parenting her 50/50. I’m still adjusting bc I realize now that I’m supposed to be a full parent on my own and I’m not used to it bc Emily didn’t ever make me be a full parent until you came along. I thought when I got 50/50 that you would actually be stepping up and helping me with my half of the parenting bc that’s what Emily always did. I understand you told me differently, but I just really wanted it, hoped it would change and I was disappointed for a while. Now I’m not, but I still get a little resentful sometimes bc you don’t have to ever be a parent with Jane, and I do and I’m exhausted. I’m also realizing Jane is very behind in some basic stuff that probably should have been taught a lot earlier. I feel really guilty because I didn’t teach her those things and now they’re causing big problems with you and I love you. I’m worried you will leave me because of Jane and am trying really hard to improve because I don’t want to be left. I also feel really guilty because I feel like I messed up my kid by not doing those basic things when I should have. I’m also defensive because I don’t really know how to teach Jane those things (I’m trying my best tho!) and make up for years of “meh” parenting. I’m working really hard to teach Jane those things so you don’t eventually leave me, but also I just want to enjoy my kid because I love her and I don’t know how I’m supposed to teach her boundaries and emotions but at the same time still have fun with her. I just feel very inadequate. Also, I feel really bad because your methods are really harsh for Jane because she hasn’t ever been exposed to boundaries before. It is hard for me to watch Jane cry and get distressed and I worry about her emotional state and if the stress of others having boundaries is too much for her. Plus, I work this hard job at the psych ward where I have to work sooo much just to make ends meet, our schedules don’t ever line up and then when we do have an off day together, I don’t have the energy for you because Jane has completely run me wild. I’m also concerned in talking to you about my feelings, because the things you say are always right, but what you don’t get is that they are still hard to hear and to feel. I’m scared to tell you my feelings, because you have trauma and can articulate your feelings better than I can. So I feel the full effects of your feelings, but because I can’t express my feelings to you, you don’t get mine. Or if you do, then you have a reason why I am in the wrong. It’s a lot of accountability for me when I’m not used to being held to a higher standard. Im used to people praising me for just existing in the same room as Jane, and I don’t get that praise from you. I’m dealing with Emily as well, constantly second guessing me and making me think I’m a bad parent or reminding me of when I was a worse parent than what I am now. And all of this together is just very overwhelming. I don’t have the words for all of the emotions like you do. It feels like I will never get out of them. I will never get a break. When I do get breaks, it’s never enough. And sometimes I wish I had never had a kid, but I also love her so much and she saved my life, but it’s just very exhausting. And I feel guilty about feeling all these feelings, because it’s all I ever wanted, so that’s why I don’t really like to talk about any of the feelings. Also, instead of being empathetic and taking on my feelings as your responsibility, in order to help me, you put my feelings back on me, so that I have to feel those feelings myself and work through them myself. You’re always there to support me, but you don’t take on my individual problems like a team.

I am different now than I was when I first met you, and I’m confused about if I like it or not. I see a lot of growth and I’m more proud of myself in some aspects than I ever was before. But it is hard. I’m thankful you’re sticking with me through it all, even if you also are making me feel a lot of stuff I didn’t really want. I don’t think I ever would have grown this much with anybody else, and it’s intense. I want to see a therapist, because you’re challenging my world views and how I see myself and rayne, and it’s confusing and I don’t know what to do about it. I love you though, and you are worth it. I’m probably just going to be quieter about my feelings for a while as I process through stuff. I’ll get through it eventually.

How it actually goes:

Me: what’s up with these memes?

Him: nothing. I just like them and they relate just a bit.

Me: how do they relate?

Him: stress and stuff. *tries to change subject*

Me: why the stress?

Him: I don’t know. I’m at work not worried about my feelings. Don’t worry about it. I’m ok.

😒

I feel like I am a completely different person now than I was then. When I look at old journals / art, I’m like… different. I feel like I aged 10 years and it’s only been 2 years. I never wanted kids. I never expected to have a family of my own. Anytime at work, they’d say “oh go home to your families” I would kinda internally snicker bc I knew I didn’t have one. Even when Donald tried to call us a family once, it just wasn’t real. It wasn’t real until I got with Jax and Jane.

And now I just like … cherish them so much. My life is so full because of Jane. She triggers the fuck out of me, and is the source of most of my fights with Jax. But my life is full. I have a lot of fun with her around now. I plan things. I do stuff out. We have family outings and family activities. It’s not just every once in a while, either, it is often. I just… I love it.

But I get scared sometimes. Is this really what I want? Because it’s so different than what I thought. I thought that I really wanted to live in my tiny house by myself, maybe with a partner pulled up beside me in his own tiny house. Maybe even a woman! And I thought I wanted to just live like that and do art and be sustainable. Basically live a retired life. It was an edit of the dream I had with Donald, which I mean… I had way less energy back then, and I really wanted to be retired. I was jealous of retired people because they had a small, livable income and could just pursue their passions. That’s what I wanted. To pursue my passion.

And now I have it. I have passion in my job / career. I absolutely love it. But that tiny house vision didn’t work with the passion. I still want one, you know? They’re so fucking cute and I love that everything has its own little place. But now I’m seeing they can also be stressful. Having so little. Having to worry about space all the time. I do still think tho, if I’d had the income to fix the house up and finish it, I think it would have been fine and I would have loved it. I also know tho that I wouldn’t have loved it as much as current life with job.

I think the best part of my life rn is my job. My family life is pretty good, but it’s not as good because I have a lot of triggers still. But my job teaches me to be good at family life and for that I am so so so so thankful. It helps me connect with Jane, lowers my triggers and lowers her behaviors.

I don’t get it tho. I am so happy with my new life. Why do I still get sad about the loss of my old one? It’s like, I miss the tiny house and how it made me “unique” and instantly praised. I miss talking about minimalism and how passionate I am about it. It used to be my biggest passion. Now I realize, it’s healing. It kinda always was (but with me not others), but I didn’t realize it until a lot later. I thought I was going to therapy bc I absolutely needed it, not because healing is my passion and what I’m supposed to do. And my healing passion? It’s like… 10000. My minimalism passion? 3000-5000. It was big at the time bc I didn’t realize my healing passion. But ya.

I also miss my social life. I used to go out all the time and have a lot of friends. That was my life post divorce and pre COVID. I would go out meet up with other singles my age and it was just a lot of fun. And the people at work loved me. They all were jealous of my social life and that I was always doing something fun. Now, I go out more to events and things but they’re all family friendly and all with kids. I never get to go and do adult things with adults. That, I think, is what’s missing there.

I’m also tired-er now tho. I used to go out dancing on Tuesdays and I’d get off at 7, get ready and go, knowing I had to work the next morning at 10. I have a high stress job now and even if I do get off early, I just want to go home after my shift and be relaxed. I was really stressed too at the call center but for different reasons, and it wasn’t the same. After my shifts, I was done. At this job, I carry it. I know it would still be good to go and do the thing anyway, but it’s just hard. My house is calming too. And before, my tiny house never really had that relax factor. I mean, kinda, but it was also a little scary in the middle of the night / nowhere.

I also miss the church me, tho that’s been gone a while. I’m so committed to my relationship with God, but I just can’t do the church. I always have this nuanced relationship. And it just doesn’t work out. It was also more of the same. I was “unique.” I was one of the only raging liberal artist feminists in the church. I needed to be special and the tiny house and the church life helped to meet those needs. Now I’m special at work and I’m special at home.

I also miss being carefree. I didn’t have to worry about a lot because the tiny house gave me freedom, in that I didn’t have to always work my life away. I “played” a lot. I did art a lot (I do now too and actually have more fun with it now than I did then). I thought a lot. I was like floating around living life, having fun in the clouds while my reality kinda sucked a little bc unfinished house. I miss the playful me. I was triggered a lot this last year with Jane, and I just don’t always feel safe opening up like that with her. It’s happening now tho more and more. But I’m still not super playful like I was then. I have to always worry about her triggering me in some way. I’m no longer carefree either. I am bound by my feelings trying to avoid hurting anyone. And that’s so constricting sometimes. I do wish I could tell Jax all the things on my mind, like especially with Jane, but he gets so sensitive sometimes with her. He always listens, he always grows, but he’s also always defensive first. I wish he had the ability to hear what I was saying and not take it personal right away… like a therapist I guess. I guess it’s really better that he can’t tho. Lol

Anyway, that’s basically it right now. I am happy in life. I also miss my old one at the same time. It’s also very scary to be happy. Sometimes i get so happy, i disassociate because I get so scared of it. I just never really thought this could happen. I don’t know why happy is sometimes scary.

I feel like if he got so stressed, because he feels like I’m “not being part of the team”, bc of my boundaries, and broke up with me, I’d be okay. I don’t think I’d be broken up with. Maybe. Idk. But I also think it’s not the type of relationship I’d want to be in.

What he seems to want is for me to financially support him. Him work every once in a while but me carry the bulk. Him driving my car, living in my house, (but getting credit for it and having claim to it if we broke up) etc. Me going with him every Thursday and Friday. Two hour trips in the morning, two in the afternoon. A two? three? hour trip on Sundays when he has her. Supporting him in half or more of the parenting responsibilities. Esp so he can be “fun dad.” Giving him couple hour breaks at home when he gets too worn out to deal with Jane, so at least once per day. Listening to him while he talks to me about all the pain management stuff and helping him figure out his anxiety. Me paying all the bills out of my money and him inconsistently paying me back or paying it late.

It’s just too much. I did set boundaries with the parenting, and that has been very effective though very stressful in the beginning. He has grown so much because of this and I’m finally more comfortable being more parental bc I know it’s more equal now than what it would have been in the past. I guess now I have to set car boundaries. And financial boundaries. The financial ones are already working as well honestly. He’s talking about working a day extra twice a month and banking the OT for a savings fund (after the holidays). Honestly even if he just had $1000 in reserve it would help my anxiety so much. I would feel to an extent that he could support himself if needed.

I think he’s just been given a lot of help throughout the years. His parents always bailed him out, or he had Emily to bail him out, and Emily had her rich parents. She said he took all her money & I believe it. Jax can kind of be a mooch. I love him, but it’s how he is.

😡. I may be TA bc his car is maybe not safe to drive and there’s a huge crack across both sides of his windshield and the check engine light is on. But also, god dammit. It isn’t my responsibility. I told him to fix it when it was small.

Like, this isn’t the type of relationship I want to encourage. I’m going to treat him like an adult. He will either grow up and fix his own shit or he’ll get pissy and break up. I feel really secure in this either way. So far the pattern has been him growing.

I will say tho. If his car breaks down that’s going to cause some serious strain for him. Me as well. Bc his car is one of the main reasons he gets Jane half time now. I will NOT change my ever evolving work schedule to accommodate him driving my car to pick up/ drop her off. It takes two HOURS just to get her from school and back one way. And it’s two times each day. Not even counting if she has an activity!! Which is near her moms house. So, no. HE is the parent. HE has to figure it out.

I do feel like he might get so stressed he would break up with me.

I just in my head keep thinking about how my mom and dad used cars growing up. Just burning them out, never taking care of them just driving, running them to the ground. I never wanted to be like that. And that is how Jax is with his car. I think bc he never learned how to take care of it. And I’m so angry. It was embarrassing to be the car who needed pushed CONSISTENTLY bc the radiator would give out while waiting at a red light. It was scary not knowing how we would get home, or knowing he was stressed out and that increased the likelihood of getting beat. I felt uncertain. I remember watching him very closely to see if he would blow. Feeling safe and relaxing a little but also knowing that I could never really predict the blowups.

Maybe I could just be on the phone with him while driving. I’m not sure tho. It’s really early. I do care about him. I just don’t want to carry the weight of another person. Plus, he’s not just one person. He’s 1.5 bc it also includes Jane. It’s just too much. I also want to make sure I’m not in a relationship where I do all the carrying. I’ve seen that too with my mom. And I did it with Joe as well. I would do all this mental work so we could be together and he did none, and it really messed me up when we broke up bc it was all for nothing. I don’t want to do it again. I need a partner. I need an equal.

Jax is upset right now because he was criticizing me having feelings around Jane. I had a trauma moment yesterday bc I found a gray hair and it triggered a ptsd moment for me, afraid of turning into my mom. Then, I came home and was still thrown off bc… ptsd moment. And we were talking all about how Jane was acting up last night trying to pick a fight. And jax is always like “oh I don’t think you realize your emotions have an effect on other people. I got anxious bc I knew you were in a bad mood and was on defensive looking for something with Jane and you. So I could shut it down.” Like it’s my fault for having any sort of negative emotion around Jane. Like seriously? Wtf? I’m supposed to just be happy all the time around her even if I’m not?

Then jax was saying about how he had feelings too that came up when I have feelings. But like, and I said this to him, those are HIS feelings to manage. And he’ll just start talking about how I’m a shitty person for having feelings bc it’s impacting him and he doesn’t know how to calm himself down. Like he needs support from me on his feelings so he thinks that I’m not giving him that support. But then he’ll tell me he doesn’t want me to do anything. It’s very passive aggressive. He’s not happy with something but doesn’t know what he wants me to change.

Honestly? I appreciate him comforting me when I’m sad etc but it’s never really that much. I don’t turn him into a therapist ever. And I feel that he wants me to do that with him. He does have feelings and I do dismiss them sometimes. But it’s like the same feelings over & over & over again. Ie. With his anxiety around illness /pills. It’s the same conversation over & over. I get bored doing it. These topics are things that he needs more than what I can provide. He needs a therapist. It shouldn’t be in depth emotional support helping him get to the bottom of all his issues. That should not be my expectation. So I don’t do it. I am his gf, not his therapist, and it wears me down for him to constantly put me in that role. Also, even if I were to offer more therapeutic support to him, he doesn’t listen to it. He doesn’t put it into action. So just… why? That feeling of frustration is why I don’t provide that level of support to him.

Also, I am tired of him constantly criticizing my behavior around jane. It is constant. He always says I bicker with her a lot, or that she tries to compete with me, etc. but he is sorta just now seeing that his child has problems too. Like he always wants to put it on me that something is wrong. He wants ME to make the perspective changes, me to change my behavior, but the thing is, I went to therapy for a long time. I might be wrong on some parts but I spent a lot of time learning to self reflect and analyze behaviors. I am amazing at it at my job. My actions are statistically less likely to be unhealthy than the person who didn’t do as deep work on themselves.

I’m just honestly exhausted. I feel like I’m pulling the family healthy and that’s great, so much progress, etc. but it’s exhausting. Esp when I’m doing all this work & jax is still like, “do more.” Like sometimes i wonder if we are fundamentally just incompatible. I wonder if we just have way too different views on parenting / self work. It’s coming out too lately in intimacy. I’m not wanting sex as much. I don’t always want to be vulnerable with him, bc I don’t always feel safe emotionally. And that is bc he criticizes my feelings a lot when I am sensitive.

Ie yesterday. He did give me a good passionate speech on how I’m not my mom, but he also was critical. WHY do you feel this way. You SHOULDNT feel this way. I was just playfully teasing. Etc.

How am I supposed to feel safe when he criticizes. Esp with him, I have these intense, powerful orgasms. Sometimes they bring up intense feelings and I want to cry. Or like I’ll get triggered during sex and have to stop and be held type of thing. And I don’t want to be criticized in that deep moment of intense feeling. So I just don’t want to. It doesn’t feel supportive.

I’ve also gotten to the point in our relationship where certain arguments I no longer want to have with him. Like around rayne, parenting, money. We’ve had them so much and it’s so much for me to break down for him that I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want want to talk about it with him bc it’s the same ass loop. He has to be separate and just learn on his own. When he’s ready and wants to, he will change. I don’t want to put effort into it.

And like, the gift thing today. He said he was going to stick to practical gifts with me. Like gift cards. No jewelry. No pjs. Bc he said I don’t wear them. And that’s cool but it’s like he’s no longer putting so much effort into the relationship. He doesn’t care to find great presents for me bc ? Idk? He’s tired too?

I don’t think he could do it all on his own tho. Like with Jane. I think the transition would have been too much. I think he’s not used to having her so much. I think if I left, he’d prolly flail a little bc I do a lot of helping her with behaviors.

I’m like, I want to stay with him and work stuff out. But I also think it’s a lot of therapeutic effort I put out & that the effort isn’t always matched. I appreciate having a space I can have feelings in & the growth that comes from this relationship. But I also am just exhausted from the growth. Esp that first year. It was hard to adjust to having a kid in my life, living half time with her, not getting triggered so much, different parenting philosophies, different money ideas, and living on grid again. It was hard. I just want to rest a little and not worry anymore.

I am freaking out because I’m scared I made a mistake. At work. I feel like I could have projected a bit onto my client and that my supervisor might have noticed a bit. I really don’t think I did, though. I felt in my heart it was the right thing to do and to say and I just delivered my medicine in what way my heart said to deliver it. I’m just really afraid I messed up. Maybe that I got too over cocky and need to pull back some. But it’s like, ok but that is the best part of the job. Maybe I need to go back and just learn more about my families and get curious. Stop doing deep work for a bit and give it a rest. I wonder if I would still like the job as much without the therapy aspect. Just the hanging out with kids part. I think so. But maybe I should just focus on that part instead right now. Before I overstep. I could come up with really cool hang out places and things to do.

I was so upset bc of what my supervisor thought. I was trying to explain to her the level of thoughtfulness that went into it and it was just difficult. I know I did good. I trusted my instincts. I distributed my medicine in the places that needed it most. She needed to stop screaming at her kids. Especially if she wanted them to be on their best behavior.

And just ugh. I feel a lack of confidence in my skills from supervisor. But if the supervisors could hear me in action, they would see that I am so capable. I might not get it perfect each time, and now I’m really doubting what I said about the childhood trauma part. I’m pretty sure she told me it. And also, she said today that she didn’t have a great childhood. She agreed with what I said at the end of the day and we connected.

When I was at the call center, people could hear my calls and see how good I was at it and so they’d be able to trust I was good. But I’d still get frustrated bc they wouldn’t believe me still. It’s the same thing here. Also, I feel I’ve been extensively trained in communication. Esp in monitoring what I say. I had to be so aware of it at the call centers.

I’m also curious. Why do I respond so sensitively to criticism? I feel instantly… self-doubting, insecure, unlovable?, not good enough (inadequate). And idky. I don’t know if my mom was overly critical? Maybe she was. She kinda was with grades, and then talking about other women. Ken was with grades. Idk. I’m not directly pointing out an overly critical parenting examples but my instinct is saying yes. And I know in some ways it was.

I do know I was always expected to be the best. Have the best grades. Look pretty. Act the best, behavior wise. Clean the kitchen and house to crazy standards. Be critiqued and told I didn’t clean, when I had cleaned.. a lot. But also, I guess it’s just that I don’t feel the resentment for it (yet?). I feel that I had high standards and I met them, because I am awesome. I put myself through a lot of stress to achieve them all at once and I was able to do it. So idk. I guess in a way it’s like I’m thankful to have had high standards? Although I’m also simultaneously shitty bc I know I was never given grace to just be average and that was pretty damaging in some ways. I could never really just have fun or be a kid. And that’s sad.

Anyways. There’s a link I’m sure. But I do need to find that part of me and heal her. I just don’t understand her. I need to be able to hear criticism without despairing or losing my confidence. I need to realize other peoples opinions don’t matter.

That one is from childhood. Frank would always be so obsessed with what others thought. And that’s why embarrassment / shame and so on have interesting responses for me; though small. It’s learned from frank. They don’t matter, I matter. I’m going to Google it.

Sometimes I get jealous of Jill. She’s so pretty, she’s young (Jax’s type lol) and she has a really well-parented kid who is around Jane’s age. I’m worried sometimes that Jax will leave me for her. Or that he secretly wants to be with her. Because it would probably be easier for him to be with another parent, especially someone who doesn’t have as extreme trauma as I do. I *know* Jax loves me. He puts me on his Facebook publicly. He’s the type of guy to have me as his screensaver on his phone, label me “boo” on video games etc. I am secure with him and I feel pretty confident.

But I’m also like, what IF. There’s a part of me that doesn’t trust me. And I’m working with that part.

I hate especially when Jax bonds with Jane’s little friend. It reminds me of something he would do if they were dating. But it’s not appropriate. Also, it upsets me because he can do it so easily and could probably be with someone with a kid so easily, whereas I struggle. I’m trying so hard.

I’ve been thinking too of making more effort to connect with Jane. To be better. I haven’t in the past bc triggers, yes and HELL yes, but also because I didn’t want to teach Jax how to parent on top of adjusting to becoming more of a parent figure. It’s too much emotional labor. But honestly, through the struggle and him supporting me in the struggle, he’s improved a lot now. And I feel better about being able to have a better connection with Jane and do my part. So my part won’t feel like fucking fireworks and birthday cakes to her because she’s at least HALFWAY used to being somewhat-parented.

He is still learning to be an actual parent. It’s just hard. He’s also still learning boundaries, and that pisses me off so much. I think it especially pisses me off bc it’s where I struggled: boundaries with kids. So, it’s like a reminder of where I was. Also that part of me is really angry bc I grinded myself and made myself work super hard to learn them and I saw results!! So I feel like, why doesn’t he have that drive too? I will almost kill myself to improve and he won’t. But I also sacrifice a lot of stuff in order to improve so fast. Worth it! But also, I can neglect myself and that’s not cool either. That’s why I kinda tried to take a break from really trying with Jane. I said, as I did with my therapist, I should just chill out and coast on my progress. Let others catch up for once. That’s also part of why I let this trigger thing get a hold of me. I didn’t want to improve. I wanted Jax to improve first. And he has in a lot of ways now. So I sorta feel like I want to be better now. At least for a little.

I also have developed new coping skills, which I told one of my supports. I focus on my feet when Jane is triggering the fuck out of me. I only think about the feet. I’m not just quiet, I’m quiet AND I think about my feet. It’s grounding. And it’s great. I love having access at times to the part that goes with me to work.

Anyway, the jealousy thing with Jill. It’s insecurity because I know I could make more effort being pretty. So I do now! Also I know I could be better with Jane. So I’m going to try a *little* now. I’m thinking I’m going to try to connect with her on Sundays for a little bit of time each Sunday. And eventually I’m going to buy a dollhouse and do that with her (and me). So basically I’m trying to use my feelings to inspire me to do better and fill those holes in me. Plus I really like Jill and want to be friends.

Also, if Jax did cheat, I would leave. I have money now, and I could just get another place / roommate and go. I would not have to do the work I did with Joe. Or Don. I’d just go. And I can’t control if he does cheat, if I know about it right away, etc. All I can do is control my reaction once I were to find out. So at that point, I’d just be out. No emotional affairs like I allowed with Joe because I was too afraid to be single. Nope, I would just go and be by myself and live life.

I really think it’s not going to happen tho. I’m really happy in my relationship. It’s a lot of work, but it’s also very wholesome and secure stuff to be able to fight, express my feelings fully and still at the end of the day be in a relationship.

I feel sometimes that you want me to do more or be more. Like that you think I’m not good enough. I feel like you have these expectations of me, like that because Emily is not good for Jane, that I need to step up and be her mom instead. But it’s just really unfair for me. I’m supposed to be “bonus.” I’m supposed to be extra, *not* essential.

I’m sorry that Emily sucks, for Jane. But just because she’s not filling janes needs, doesn’t mean that I have to pick up her slack. And I feel like you just keep expecting me to be that way and pick up slack, like I would if I were janes real parent, and I’m not. And then you get massively disappointed in me, because I’m not living up to your own expectations.

I just want to be off that cycle. I want you to not expect me to be janes mom or not push me to be more than what it is. I feel especially like when she tells me over & over & over that she loves me, and I feel like you encourage that & that you push me to instantly say it back & just… no. I don’t even know her really. She doesn’t know me, I just smile at her a few times and she’s giving me 50000 points. But you just keep pushing it. It’s just a lot of pressure and not meeting your expectations and just disappointment. And I just don’t want to start feeling resentment bc I can never meet those expectations, especially when I’ve been clear about it since the beginning that I’m NOT her mom and that I don’t have to meet those standards.

Four years ago today I was being released from the CRC. I was spiraling from an unexpected divorce, the knowledge that my husband was abusive, guilt and shame from that, along with hopelessness from the situation, helplessness, newfound religion and belief in God, new experiences being healed from my depression, so uncertain of how I would continue in my tiny house dreams, being left in the middle of the tiny house project super unfinished, no job, no clue how to pick myself back up again, losing all my friends and previous way of life, dealing with this unstable ass living situation with Mary threatening to kick me out all the time. Smoking weed a lot, seeing Abe as a ghost and hanging out with him constantly, dealing with those revelations, constantly stuck in this spiritual / energy world with Gabe / Ruth and that being so confusing for my mental health, but really wanting it to be that way as part of an escape thing, really desperately wanting to belong somewhere and trying so hard to fit in with the other Mormons and not really ever doing so. Eventually getting a job at hobby lobby and just evening out there by dating Greg. Kudos for Greg, btw. He really helped give me predictability whenever it was an unstable time in my life, and i wish I had known that’s why I picked him in the beginning.

And now today. I’m supporting trauma kids. I’ve just had the best 2 weeks of work full of so many peoples growth. I’ve been ruminating over & over, how amazing this job is. I’m so proud of them, and of me for being able to do this job. Every day I walk into a meeting, my opinion is valued. It is like a love fest for Lily there, because I’m so good at my job and I’ve just got these healing instincts that are always right.

I’m living with my love ❤️ & his daughter. I’m growing so much and having such a good time creating all these wholesome experiences for her. I’m learning to take care of my own inner child by taking care of her and giving her things I never got. I’m learning to enjoy spending time with her & love her. I never thought id have kids in any capacity and avoided them, and now I’m working full time with multiples & living part time with one. But I’ve grown so much. I graduated therapy. I paid off my collections and got a credit card that I’m using responsibly. I’m in the process of buying a car.

I’ve worked so hard. And it’s paid off. I’m so happy.

Cheers to 4 years.