Your relationship seems like shit. Why not leave?

Honey, if you know who a #Capricorn is then that provides you half the reason. This relationship was grand until a third party came into the picture. That destroyed a lot and in the midst I was trying to mourn my mother. This relationship has ups and downs like any other one, but it does become straining. It's not healthy at all. I love and care about the person quite dearly. But it will always be more than that for me to stick around. I like fairness in a relationship. My partner is allowed to express herself and I allow the space to be had. There is a issue and I find a solution, validating feelings is crucial. Now in return I express things like in my blog; re: realtor friend. and there is a lack of validation. So the question is would you stay?

Don't ever think a person is never going to leave or the thought of leaving has not crossed their minds. It always does.

No More Time.

2024_11_03

Let me tell you how quickly the universe will show you what you need to be showed. We started going to the gym, which I think is grand for both of us. I do enjoy spending a lot of time with my partner regardless. I don't think I really get bored with being with them, but also, I lived with my ex for years, maybe that's where the comfortability comes from.

Some dude decides to approach me about some damn paper towels, while I had headphones on, still don't know what was really said except some $20 for paper towels. We talked around and then we meet him again and this time he says something and I am like huh, while my headphones are still on. Now, most would say just take them off, but I am not interested in men nor care what they have to say. I point at my partner and say my name and he got confused, but it was my way of introducing myself and her, because that's what you do. Next, I say bye, play into it, but continue to mind mine. We are outside and per usual this dude pulls and says he's not stalking, I go up to his car and he's like if you don't mind putting my number in and then I look back at my parter, he goes, you need your friends permission. Ninjas be the dumbest I swear, I said no that's my girlfriend at which he apologized.

Here is the part where the universe loves to bring the same situation in a different scenario.

We are looking for houses. One sign had her friend's name on it, so we decide to go see it, no issue there. We pull, give him a call and he magically appears. Now this the part that really makes you question so much. I think his name is JP something and so he's obvious siked he hasn't seen my partner in awhile, I get that, but guess what he did not acknowledge me at all. He walks in turns on the lights and proceeds to show the house. At this point I stood in the living area for a minute and when I realized I was not going to be introduced, I started walking around the house rather quickly, while he continued to play catch up with her. He's asking questions but I am responding to some, still no introduction. I walked outside while they stay inside still talking. Then she goes, "this is my girlfriend.." and he ask me for my name and we shake hands. As we leave I tell my partner exactly how I felt at which she turned and tells me that, how would you feel if someone you haven't seen in awhile, he was just so siked. Really?

I joked about it but really had to let it settle to have a moment to think about it. This is the umpteen time my own partner will defend everyone else and not me. The fact that, I said it was rude and disrespectful and it was shadowed with, he was just excited to see someone he hasn't seen in awhile is crazy. Okay, he's excited, we went through the whole house and he didn't know who I was. He asked were you still with your ex and you said no, but never mentioned you are in a relationship, kind of skipped over that. Maybe I am tripping or being extra, but I observe and peep things like this. These things matter, because they will create the future. It's making me think she's not comfortable telling people she's in a relationship and she's in a relationship with a woman. If the scenario was different, to me, as soon as he asked was she still with such and such, she would of said, no i'm not but this is my boyfriend craig. See lesbians really need to stick with straight lesbians, no offense. I mean most I've dated been either previously bi or been with women for years.

I have never experienced being with someone who wants to keep themselves a secret about their status, whether it's the world's business or not. I have never experienced being out and someone not introduce me. It's the most weird thing. Then on top of that when I say something feels disrespectful instead of just saying, I'm sorry you feel that way or something else, she always excuses their behaviors or makes up reasons for them. It's like but had I not said I was in a relationship to the dude at the gym, you'd feel some way. If I EVER meet her ex formally and I say, he seemed rude, I bet she'll defend and say, oh pay him no mind, he's having one of those days. Like why do we do shit like that. I don't defend nobody behaviors period. If my partner expresses they felt disrespected, I'ma be sure to take their side and hear them out. I am not about to make excuses for no one not even my friends. Like when she said my best friend girlfriend hugged her funny, I didn't make a excuse at all. I address people with respect. Had I said, oh Luckiii, is just like that, she'd say I am for her or some shit like that.

Only time will tell though, a Capricorn starts to evolve after they have been hurt and that's the most dangerous thing, that most don't understand. We get real cold and begin to not care until things end or we end it. At this point I am going to let things play out, I am not asking for anything to be fair. Life isn't fair, my mother is completely gone. But this not telling people you in a relationship is suspicious if you ask me. Some folks have told me, that it seems like I am into her more than she's into you. That kind of hurt my feelings, but what if it's true? Because the whole relationship I really held her down, telling people I am in a relationship no hesitation at all. Why do I even have to complain about something like that though. I honestly don't care to be acknowledged, because of how much confidence I posses. It was just embarrassing to be in a space like that. Literally walking through the whole entire house wanting it to be over, because it was very awkward.

Also, everything is always my fault. Because I didn't want to hear about Candy Cane, she texted her behind my back. Because I said, tell certain people you in a relationship, that's my fault. Why not just do what YOU feel, I could careless. Literally I live this lesbian life, I don't pick and choose majority of the time. The old security at my job, I didn't anything but if he ask again, I'ma tell him I bump coochie with women, I am not afraid nor care. I just don't care for anyone to know who I am at a job, because every time it comes out, the women start trying me and I hate that shit. If you telling people you in a relationship or have a girlfriend when I am not present, that's major kudos for yourself. I don't live in secret. I wish she would just own her shit like I had to, instead of finding loop holes to not take accountability.

But what do I expect she did tell me at the beginning, that she's not really putting her all into such relationship and she hasn't lied about that. Usually people that aren't looking for a relationship and they tell you what they will and will not do, will always show you with words and actions. The universe knows what's next. But I -- honestly can't be in a relationship (a year at that) and my partner refuses to tell folks she's in a relationship. If it's due to being uncomfortable, than in my mind we should just be friends. People would think, you'd leave over that and it's like yes. As a Capricorn, everything adds up and the smallest issue will boil over and end it all. I just can't be with someone who plays hides and seek. I allowed it for this long and I am not willing to continue. The year mark for me is like let me see what they give in this relationship, that I have given.

---

Liar.

2024_05_02

Let me not type this in a childish tone and attempt to review the seriousness of context at hand. I am actually smiling because one of my clients works with big time folks and I am always trying to get the tea. Anyways, so I lied about being on the phone in the morning. I explained why I did it and then apologized and said I was in the wrong. This is a small lie at that, but I can understand how small lies lead into bigger ones which creates this whole trust issue thing. I think what is so fascinating about humans is that we will never think the same or view things the same which causes the disagreements and arguments.

She asked me or rather told me that I am on the phone all day, as if in my thoughts it's a problem or something. I took it and saw fit to lie and say I didn't which she goes through my phone the following days and then tells me why. Now I got caught, so I explained the reason, just like I told my best friend the same story and the reason. So, after all of that I apologized and said I was in the wrong, in the midst of that I did mention how she has lied too. Now, when I lie its literally a white lie, and it never benefits me obviously. But usually I do lie about if I ate that day, but never where I am going or who I am with. So I lied about being on the phone, but as she scrolls, she can see it's with my friends and no one new. My best friend referred it too, when a kid lies because they are scared. I am a adult, so it would be weird to use that. But literally I was accused of sleeping on the phone with someone and I didn't. I think your brain rewires itself as things occur. It wasn't my intention to lie, but my brain literally goes to "oh shit, you telling me i've been on the phone all day in the morning and it's not with you." Now, we get past that. I apologize and explained it and so forth.

What gets me is that, she said, a big lie we can have a conversation and move forward but small lies, she doesn't like because of her past. Okay, got it. Might I remind you, she threw something back that I told her in my face, this has happened twice and yes, no for me. What gets me and grinds my gears, is it's starting to feel like, she is looking for things to find whats wrong with me, because of what happened months ago. Then turn around and say that she didn't lie and it was more of a omission. Withholding information, isn't lying? Oh wow. I--

Then as of today, we joking around, at which I will never joke around anymore. She asks "who I was available too" I said no one, but I took to long to respond so the jokes are now over. Then I said I'll send you a screenshot, she goes things can be deleted. Honeychild, you don't know me and my friends. We are the screenshot and history of holding on to shit. I still got the conversations from everyone I interacted with in my phone and even my old phones, in case a bish ask what occurred in 1900, Lol. I got over 10k photos and most need to be deleted, but it's so hard. Like, if I wanted to delete anything, wouldn't I have deleted the call log but I didn't clearly you could see the facts.

I need to seek a therapist though, I am over this Candy Cane incident but I am not. The fact that she lied and then had the audacity to make it seem innocent as if it's okay to be texting a ex whatever, like did you or did you not reply and did you or did you not refuse information that would of killed the interaction. I'll lie to people I don't care about, are you serious? Not telling your ex thing you are in a relationship is what? Why would someone make an advance and continue to regardless of you shutting it down. Like -- I need to scream. Like, and you didn't think how something like that could affect me and it's been months. But lordt bless it be the fruit, because I vowed never to speak about it again. Like, how lucky can you be to be forgiven and I don't joke around about it nor get upset with you period, but I-- don't respond now you don't trust me. Lol, God take the wheel. Listen I get it a lie is a lie, but honey child, I-- need people to understand that shit right there was the BIGGEST lie I had told in my face. I real life need to see a therapist. Like I am exploding inside because it's like oh shit Ke'Anna did this, but I digress. It's more of the fact that today the joke went sour and she usually has a face which means she's not joking anymore. And at that point, I am done joking around, because it's been other incidents, where I joke and she thought -- I am good, this is the alternative Ke'Anna, the one that no one likes at all, the one where everyone says I am too serious and never fun.

Like real shit, shouldn't I be worried, since she "handles things" behind my back with ex folks. Like I would never do no shit like that, that alone causes trust issues and I am not diverting away from the fact that I lied, because I was in the wrong, but I am more or less upset, because she lied and I didn't even flinch, I had to cry alone, cry to my sister and best friend. But honey child, when I tell you the type of bish I become, is the reason you never want to disrespect me in the first place. Especially on some ex type shit. But I'll take this L and we gon move past it, but I will tell you something, Ima screenshot all my calls and conversations everyday, because what folks aren't going to do is crucify me for a lie that was merely innocent. Say some shit and hang me dry, when you catch me talking to my exs, but matter of fact if I did, they'd know I was in a relationship and any disrespect I take care of that, but she already knows that.

Last part I was good after the conversation until today, now I am really pissed off, because here we go again.

On a positive note, I will say that, I am proud for listening to my partner at every moment there is a issue and finding a solution, that I disagree with but will do it for the sake of caring for someone and putting my mental last. And I proud of myself to be able to have conversations and apologize without merely making excuses and viewing my partners emotions at hand and genuinely being apologetic and facing the fact I am in the wrong. This is growth.

---

Un-Mournful.

2023_02_11

I be on twitter wishing I was a stud sometimes. Lol, the way they don't give a care in the world and gross bluntness of their minds are kind of intriguing. I have been irritated for a week now and to the unknown others don't know, but regardless it's always something a person does not do that adds to it.

I think the issue for me is, I'm at a point where nothing will ever change in this world and I should stop complaining. It's not enough venting that could heal my broken mind. I have yet to mourn my mother and I can't believe I am functioning at this time. From April to August, it's been the most unnecessary issues that I had to deal with rather than feel the pain of losing my mother. I've realized that the world honestly does "go on..." no one cares if you just lost someone close to you, life goes on and anything that comes your way, you have to deal with it, which is unfair in the most sense. Everyone is selfish in my opinion. I can't blame them alone, I should have spoke my thoughts and my mind, but sometimes its difficult and no one will understand that. I honestly wish my mom was here, I could have someone to sit at the edge of the bed and vent my thoughts out and cry, but she's gone.

I just feel like if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't do what people do to me, I'd more considerate, but that's unrealistic and not the way the world is setup. Not the way God intended us humans to be. Not the way philosophy states that humans could perfectly be perfect. I am trying to not be a burden but use the opportunity, that word is kind of eh... but to create plans and be outside and simply ask "hey..what are your plans.." but it does sound intruding. I'm not very good at asking folks, I don't want to bother them, I am not trying to come with my negative energy in their space. But yet they are all so welcoming, so it's really on me, for not taking those opportunities.

I feel sort of alone and what's so weird about it is, I prepared myself for this and I envisioned myself in this exact position. The transition of it all had its ups and downs but the establishments there made it easier, because I didn't have to really do much but notify the important entities. I honestly need to figure out what to do when I pass, because the way my sister is quick to rid my mom's phone and simply not pay the bill for a year, scares me. I need to figure out who would best be responsible with my assets. I feel like my friends wouldn't just get rid of things that meant the most, they would keepsake them or use them. Literally, my sister wanted to give away the MacBook that my mom had just bought, like what the hell. I swear people don't care when you are alive or dead. The only difference is they don't have to care when you are alive, because you still exist, but once you are dead, there is no longer that interaction or opportunity to reach out, so welp, who cares. I have never felt this alone until my mom left me. And I think that's what made me feel the pain within my body. I don't even know how I survived and didn't off myself in that moment, because I promised myself that if my mom passed, I'd have to go too.

Everyone telling me what I should do, but neither have offered to help or assist. Well, one, but guess what zodiac sign that is a damn Capricorn, Lol. I am always available with "do you need anything, do you need anything from me?" But it's never reciprocated. Lol, I can't even have a seat to mourn, I am like what bullshit is about to come forward for the next two months. I didn't even cry on Mother's Day, I just sat there in confusion looking for the tears, but now I know why. I was dealing with unexpected things, which was unfair to me. Sometimes I sit and think I can't wait to be 6 feet under, but then I know that's the end and there are places I want to visit and people I want to meet. The world will never understand us Capricorns and that's alright, because we are the world, we are mother earth and we stand on everything like the goat.

People don't understand how I love honesty and what it does to my soul. People don't like how I react after honesty. Here's the thing, I stay honest because I can't control how a person's emotions will be. But in my lifetime, when people are honest, I move accordingly, and majority of the time they are upset. All the people that wanted to be with me, were honest with me and we not together. Lol, Listen, I love truths, it allows me to free myself. How people feel or say things is exactly how they feel, the subconscious just seeps through their mouth out into the world. Why hide it, it's a beautiful thing. When people tell me how they really feel, it hurts but it also lets me know how I should move next. That's why I say it and will say it again, no one really wants me like that, it's all agendas. It's all part of the simulation. It's all part of the matrix. I am and will always be second or last before everyone else. Lol, relationships, family, etc. Meanwhile I put everyone first... how can I stop this madness? How can I be filled with less guilty consciousness? How can I not care? How do I disappear?

I just want the world to be more ...empathetic, more kind, more loving, more caring. More thoughtful...

Chapter One.

2023 August 13.

I feel a lot better. Self-soothing and healing has been my go-to since I was an adolescent. It's more evident being that my mom is no longer here. Someone mentioned journaling and I said to myself that I should journal more when things are going well. Not always mention the negative things, but highlight the journeys and experiences I am having. I still feel sleepy everyday, I literally stayed up for over twelve hours, because my mind was overhauled and I was coming down from anxiety. I did speak out-loud things I desired. I have come to the conclusion that my life choices are based on me not really being grounded. Someone else is getting married that I know of to her partner. I know time has no limit, but I am beginning to think I am wasting it. It's a catch 22 situation. Hell, my ex is married, Lol. This is why I question on becoming someone else, because being me has got me nowhere. Playing the nice, considerate, loving Ke'Anna has got me nowhere. I mean I could stop trying to walk away from situations so quickly, yes. I could not really care about situations and just shrug when they happen.

No one has interests in marrying me and I am wondering why? It could be them and not me, but why waste my time? Why involve yourself with me if there is no desire to be married. Part of this is my fault, because I am not firm on my intentions when people ask me if I want to be married. I tend to say yes and no instead being honest and saying yes I actually do. Perhaps I need to conquer the fear of marriage and embrace the positive unity of it. Not being sure in your intentions and manifesting will cause havoc in your life. I know a lot of people shrug but it's the truth. I wonder if I should purchase another candle of removal. Or the candle that reveals everything. I shouldn't have to question why things aren't how they are. But it bothers me to not know the unknown. I wouldn't waste anyone's time if we didn't have the same ideals. Even before marriage, I can't even get someone to be fully committed and I am starting to wonder if I am not enough. And not that I am not enough, but if I am lacking somewhere. Maybe I am too nice? I feel like I need to get back into therapy at this point to figure out what is happening in my life.

I manifested marriage. I manifested being in love and happily married. I manifested living together with my partner. I manifested that I want my partner to value and respect me, respect my feelings, emotions, body, spirit and mind. I desire to be loved and cared for with any doubts. I desire to be respected, I mention this twice, because everyone I date lacks the respect part. There is so much more that I said that I can't think of at this moment, but I truly hope the universe starts to move mountains. I know everything seems relationship oriented but it's because even with my mom gone, the rest of my life is well put together and I am ready to settle down. I am almost thirty-five. I no longer want to continue to date, just to date and be used up. Just to be emotionally abused and with that statement it does not mean emotional abuse. I think I mentioned it in my previous blog, I literally desire someone that is head over heels for me. Knowing how I am in relationships, I am always that person. My friends and my sister were like in shocked for what I did and planned for my dates. They were like this is what I've been asking and it's literally simple things. Literally, within a budget. Except that basket with glasses, phew... that was out of my budget, but you know, it's good for the future, lol. If I was to post what I did, I mean... the DMs would flood.

I desire someone to be in love with me, like I don't think I ever felt that before. People have loved me, but it's like "yes I love you.." Well after awhile it's just that. I love my friends but I am not dating them that's just the difference. Is it a lot I am asking? Lol, I desire not to be in a one-sided relationship. Both parties have a mutual understanding of boundaries and respect for each other. Twitter definitely distracted me for a good minute. I need to finish this blog. But there is a lot more, but I hope in the next few months, everything I desire happens. Everything I feel becomes content and I feel confident in what I feel. The crazy thing about it is I am excited to be married and go dress shopping, my mom won't be there and that literally will be very painful, but I want to cry and try on dresses at the same time. I am such a lover more than anything. I also desire someone to not chase or beg, but want to work for a relationship or make it work I should say. Sometimes I feel like giving up, because I will put into work when I am in a relationship and if I get tired my partner should create that space of "I got us.." I don't expect perfection at all in my relationships, never have. But I do expect to be respected and understood. That's my main priority in my relationship moving forward.

Ending this with I hope everything I manifest comes into fruition at this point in my life. I don't want to say that I am deserving of it, but in away I am because I've lived here for so long and have gone through so many journeys and enjoyed so many experiences and didn't enjoy other experiences, but that's part of life. At some point your journey has to take a turn with something that you aren't ready for, but something fulfilling and desirable. I believe I am tired of the same routine and the same feelings and emotions and the same ending. I need that to change and I am open to receiving that change.

Chapter Four.

11 August 2023.

I sat here and cried for thirty minutes. Lol, I am tempted to call my circle of friends and cry some more. I'm honestly in a weird space. I sat here again and praised who I am, in order avoid succumbing to my thoughts. One thing I said to myself is Ke'Anna, you are great at understanding even when you are misunderstood. I thought to myself as a partner, I have grown and I love that for myself.

When I am in a relationship, I am able to validate my partners feelings without making it about me, egotistic. If my partner has an issue, I am welcoming of their feelings without even thinking. I am a fixer without hesitation. I don't insert my thoughts about how I FEEL, because it's not about me. It's about my partner in this moment. I avoid the, "well I thought or I think..." mindset, because again, it's not about me. I love the fact that I listen to understand and to find out how my partner feels. I love the fact that in that instant, when I say I am going to do something I actually do it. And that's growth.

I don't ever want my partner to feel like their feelings are dismissed or invalidated. I have people that I use to talk to who said that's what they liked about me the most. *le sigh, but they could never really provide me the same. The lack of reciprocation. I sat here and cried, because at this moment I don't feel amazing inside. I honestly don't. I tend to move forward because that's how life is. But how I feel remains the same. I think part of me what I have noticed throughout the years of my life is I never receive reciprocation. Do I expect it, not really. Would it be nice, most definitely. Years of therapy and learning to communicate with abuser did something, someone go thank the SHE of Ike turner. I really dislike who I am right now. I never felt like this but I do. I can't even ask God why he made me this way, because there is no reason to question it. I just don't get why I have to fix and care about everyone's feelings but when it comes to mine, I'm dramatic. My friends have said I am dramatic several times, until they hear me crying and they realize I actually have emotions. I cried about the same thing in May and June, when everything was happening. Like why Ke'Anna. Just stop caring about everyone's feelings. Stop fixing shit. The whole Barbie friendship I am sure they want me to fix that too and I didn't do shit.

Why is it that no one comes to me and fixes things or take accountability or just simply say, I am sorry, I am going to go ahead and fix the issue. It's always a debate and trust me it never fails. The tears are coming... I honestly don't ask for anything really, but respect and loyalty. My feelings to be validated. Maybe that's why ol girl tried to lock me down so quick, Lol, I am as transparent as they come and don't need to lie about anything. She said, "i want us to be exclusive..." Lol, I wasn't having it, because who are you? I mentally stimulated you and think differently now you trying to lock me away with no ring, honey please. Lol. Phew women. I try to laugh to stop the tears seriously. I should start posting on Twitter and speaking on subjects like this. I know intellectual conversations is a turn on for most. Maybe I am too loyal? I shouldn't be. Should I go back to Snapchat, like I use to and preach. I honestly don't feel like getting hit on, Lol, not really laughing but more annoyed about it. I mean I know how to put people in their place, but still.

When I don't sleep it means things are not settled within me at all. I'm no longer overthinking but I am just disappointed more than sad. I cry it out for a couple of days and then I feel what should be my next move. I guess I am tired like I said previously. The things I yearn for in my life will never be fulfilled and it pains me. Even with my friendships, I ask for my feelings to be validated, that means so much to me than anything else. I am sure I will overcome this, but I know what will become of it. It also sucks when I have feelings or a issue everyone is upset, at me for being upset and I just think that is beyond unfair. That honestly grinds my gears to the fullest. How narcissistic can you be? but in the end I am glad I am that partner that people want in their life when it comes to validation and understanding a person's feelings. Like a show I watch on youtube, she always says, sometimes people just want to be heard and that is really it.

Chapter Two.

2023 August 10.

A lot has happened and I am kind of unsure why things affect me so bad, but that is something I need to work on. I also love the person I am today and refuse to backpedal down to who I use to be. The truth is no one will ever understand a Capricorn and I have heard this from other Capricorns as well. We will always be misunderstood. This is something we are aware of and yet we still complain about it as if the world is going to stop spinning just to understand US, the GOAT. Maybe it's better we understand ourselves and love ourselves and take what we receive as is.

I don't believe we are hard to love, I just think humans refuse to take the extra time to do so, but expect it in return. How I feel right now is quite unethical, if that even makes sense. This white screen I type on can't begin to capture my full emotions within. I think I am tired to be honest. I have been tired since May and all the issues and drama it came with, which flowed into June. The unfortunate thing is I returned to the forefront to avoid 'situations' but in reality wanted to disappear forever. Capricorns, we tend to care too much about people who wouldn't even bring us the moon. I sometimes feel sorry for us, because we don't deserve being treated the way we do. I always state that I wish I was another zodiac sign, because a few are much stronger emotionally, even if the undertone of it is weak.

When I feel like this, I wish my mom was here. I mean real bad. I believe I am filled with a lot of pain and not sure where to go with it. Venting to my friends does nothing anymore and I think I have mentioned that before. Phew...I wish I could really speak on how I feel, but I don't need people to panic. I will type all of this and wake up the next day feeling amazing but that's like putting a bandaid on an unhealed wound that continues to bleed. I think I am tired of just being 'handled' incorrectly. I am kind of tired of expressing my emotions and feelings only for it to seem overdramatic. I know I have an issue with expecting people to think how I think, but not on that level. It's more of if the roles were reversed how would you feel. But even then how can I expect that. I think moving forward in my friendships, family and relationships, I just won't anymore. I won't even be upset about certain things, I just be like "well alright." I understand that's dangerous and it's actually hindering my emotions, but I've been doing this all my life.

Sometimes you have to really sit back and tell yourself, no one gives a damn about your feelings Ke'Anna, because if they did, then A wouldn't have led to C. Today I sat on the floor in silence and gave myself words of affirmation. I thought about what makes me a catch. What makes me desirable. What makes me different from everyone else. To be honest it helped a lot. I had to remind myself of how thoughtful I am when I think of others. My actions create happiness within me that it shows through the person. I am honest and loyal. I put others before me and always think before doing. I am loving and caring with a little razzle dazzle. I validate others feelings without attempting to impose with my thoughts and opinions. I make sure the person is heard and be sure after, to "check in." The list can go on. I sat and thought about all the compliments I had received over time from past folks I had interest in. Sometimes you have to take a second to conquer the subconscious negative thoughts. I mean after all I did have two women fly out here just to see if I was real. Lol,

I think the only person I could say who understood me was the one who didn't want to commit. Lol, how ironic. Maybe because she was young and less tainted by society? But then again my sister is a Libra and even though I be side-eyeing, she definitely does validate and attempts to understand your thoughts. I had to clap for my sister one time, because she was never like that. That's huge growth that I have seen. I be wishing sometimes that I wasn't me. The personality that everyone likes. Sometimes I wish I was less caring and more selfish. And I mean really selfish, whatever that looks like, because I have no idea, Lol. Maybe nonchalant? More so an inconsiderate person? A person that honestly just does whatever and apologizes over and over again, because humans love to scream accountability. But then the world lives in pain, so me being inconsiderate to others would be a fraction of what they already endured. Could anyone imagine me being this person? They would honestly be scared. Lol, my friends would unfriend me. Everyone would be like Ke'Anna isn't KeAnna. It would be real life scary. It wouldn't be considered acting out, it would be more of trying on a new pair of shoes. Maybe if I was more inconsiderate I wouldn't live in this agony pain. How can I even explain what I mean. I mean I'd be a human who is numb and feel less and it would save me from overthinking and sleepless nights.

I should consider this next venture. It would definitely help in so many ways. I feel sorry for those who took advantage of who I was, Lol. Seriously, I be scared of my own self and the abilities I have to turn into someone else. Next everyone going to call me cold, but I was just warm all those times. Who knows, but I do feel a change is coming indefinitely. Once I stop crying, it's the start of something beautiful. Something magical. The only reason I will be crying is because I miss my mother. Everyone else will receive not a drop of tears from me. I shall return to write some more later this month, if time permits. I have so much on my plate and unsure how to handle it, but will attempt to week by week.

— Benjamin Alire Sáenz, from Aristotle And Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (via lunamonchtuna)

7_13_23

Not sure exactly what to say. I really miss my mom. The interesting thing I love and allows me to feel somewhat 'okay' is speaking about her as if she still is living. I know it can be uncomfortable for others, because what do you say to someone who is mourning. I appreciate those who allow me that space. I appreciate my one friend who reaches out every month checking to see if I'm okay. It's about to be seven months, every day it really feels unreal. She visits me a lot in my dreams, I guess. I think that emotionally makes it even worse. We went to Costco together and it was bittersweet until the end. I feel like people think because its been months that you are okay. I am grateful for my friends that don't feel no way about my absence. When I just need a moment, whether that's days or weeks. I sometimes feel bad that I can't give what I would normally give. That I can't support the way I use to. My heart really has a hole in it. I am already thinking ahead about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Trying to figure out how I will survive it. I asked my best friend if I could possibly come to her and her girlfriend's family house. My sister will be in town so I am unsure of the arrangements. I never knew what loneliness felt like until now. I understand when my sister does what she does to not be sucked in by the silence and the darkness.

My friend from New Orleans called early morning and honestly I didn't mind it. She always calls when I disappear for too long. I enjoy the early morning texts, the calls in general, it warms the soul to be honest, no matter who it comes from. I told my other best friend, I dislike my life its very routine. Waking up everyday same time, doing the same thing with no type of human interaction is detrimental. Humans are dysfunctional to me, but are needed. Humans lack a lot of emotions due to trauma, but I don't mind it. I think parts of me wants to get out and scream. Parts of me wants to meet new people and parts of me don't. I am always blamed for so much that isn't even my fault and that makes me want to void human life. I have missed calls that I need to actually callback, but it stresses me out to even be on the phone. I want to get back on social media, but I always have to explain myself and knowingly I don't owe anyone anything, it still feels like I do. I have canceled plans with people, because I become overwhelmed and I don't understand where it comes from. I still feel numb I guess? Maybe I've healed so much that I am broken now? That questions still remains the same. I reopened a website to try to join groups of individuals that are likeminded. They have this whole retreat for lesbians around Labor Day for less than $500. Black women who love women. At this point, I am like this is what I need a moment to get away, but then I don't trust anyone watching my brother, so I feel trapped. It's doable I suppose. I do have my fellow Capricorn who literally would help me out. I love us. Always down to assist. It's a thought. I mean what am I going to do on Labor Day weekend? I checked the calendar and I know my work is already closed and filled.

I definitely don't like latching on to people just because of loneliness and being sad, that's more harm than good in my eyes. I do appreciate my friend inviting me over for taco Tuesday a couple of weeks ago, just because, she lost her dad and she knows what it is like. Same with my other friend down the street losing her mother, always inviting me for some wine and food. To be honest I love that. Checking in and inviting you to their home, people don't realize how smalls gestures and thoughts carry in someone's life. Thankful they don't have their DND on all day, unlike a fake friend I had. Same with my best friend girlfriend inviting me over just for movie night. They understand being in this house is traumatizing. Bringing me into their space with all the positive energies is different. I just started crying ....I am grateful for them. I know my sister barely knows anyone out there except one and doesn't like staying at her place. it's still fresh wounds. I honestly hate living here. Lol, every time I come home I look at the front and just scream inside. I am grateful for my mom making sure her children were straight. I have a whole house. Lol, and a car basically for free. Lol, the sarcasm to keep from crying. Tomorrow is Friday thank God, hopefully I can get out and about. I really want to go visit mom, but I don't want to go alone. I have my brother but it still feels alone. I feel like I want to go and start digging, Lol, because this is some sort of dimensional that has been distorted and it's a dream that I am living, but the dreams are actually reality. Imagine having a conversation with someone who mind is small, about the abstracts of reality. Phew... scary.

I am a late night conversationalist. I speak of things that would question your subconscious. Make you question so many things. I enjoy in depth conversations, because it shows how far a human mind can go. Nothing has to make sense in those conversations and I love that. It's like being excited about random shit that has been floating in your mind and saying it without being judged. That's who I am. I do want to go back to social media but for some reason it stresses me out. I think it actually creates toxins in the mind. It's drama and chaos and I don't have that in my life so I am unable to relate. Maybe I will stick to Snapchat and Twitter? As soon as people wake up, they grab their phones. I actually text everyone Goodmorning... That's actually a great discussion to have among those that don't crave social media. Everyone who does that are like distorted humans that can't function. If I posted this on Snapchat I would start a riot. Some people post on social media and that's great, others get on there and become robotic and scroll and scroll. When I did get on there after acknowledging actually humans I know, I'd scroll for less a minute than get off, then everyone sends me posts and it felt overwhelming, because it was DMs after DMs and videos after videos and I felt overloaded. I'd real life stress about opening a DM and there were over 10 videos. It's too much, I'd reply to a DM then pray they don't respond, because I'd have to respond. It's mentally painful.

Speaking of social media caused me to panic and wanting to disappear again It's real life toxic. But bless the devious souls who are able to stand it. Maybe I should start to go on retreats? I love nature and have been in it a couple of times to admire its beauty without the toxins of cellular transmitting. I think a part of me is like, okay, if I go on this black queer women's retreat, the compliments of "you look younger" has got to stop. That also makes me not want to go, I appreciate it, but it be annoying in reality. They have a queer cruise too. I need to figure out what is happening to my outgoing personality. It's like I want to go outside and be with the humans, but I also want to be a hermit crab. There are some LGBTQ outings coming up, I just have to stop making excuses for why I can not. And why I should. And maybe meeting new people, I will impact their life, bringing something that they needed. I also need to help the homeless like I did previously.

To end this post; unfamiliar numbers call as well as private. I can only think of two people at this time. I don't even have the energy or curiosity to know what they want. Yall all of a sudden want to be with me huh, Lol. Why people set themselves up for failure will always be a mystery to me. If I did a podcast I'd provide some sort of insight to be a better person for yourself and your future partner. We all have flaws, because well humans are trial and errors of the world, but they don't define a person's identity. I remember giving this chick advice on bettering herself for some girl she liked, then in the process had the audacity to have a crush on me, like no ma'am stay focused. Spirituality has done a lot for me and that would be my focus. Manifesting and really having intentions gets you what you desire. See humans, desire things on the ideals of trauma and hurt and not on the ideals of healed and ready. Lol, I just be saying shit that feels like butter. But on the real, it's true. I come healed and ready and open to receiving. I don't hide things from the person I am dating. I've been hurt and cautious but also very open to receiving, see how I mentioned that twice. I hear people say, "i will never do that again..because of what happened last time." I understand that fully. Fear of receiving the same results and fear of feeling those don't feel good emotions, but that actually hinders you. But I guess that's what makes me a catch to some. Listen, I've been hurt and screwed over, but I am still going to show up with flowers randomly, write love notes, ask to see you, ask questions, etc., even though in the past I've been rejected or shit hit the fan when I did gestures. You know why, because the person I am dating is not the past and doesn't deserve someone else's pain. Might need to read that again. I won't express my emotions because of this and that. Honey, I've been rejected for expressing my emotions, but no one and nothing is going to stop me from still being who I am. I am on the wrong planet, right? Lol, wrong dimension, wrong universe, wrong vessel? So when I hear things, I think so ...I have to be punished for someone else's doing or even your own doing. And most people, get it, but by then Im uninterested. Hence the thirty day rule.

-----

Aaliyah, (2000)

Life was made to experience, not endure.

Recap - Last Thoughts.

Before I go into exciting things.  I wanted to recap on this friend situation.  I was trying to figure out why a person would feel such a way to this extent.  I remember, when I took my girlfriend to Disneyland for Vday, I sent the photo of us to my ex-friend and she said, “it looks like you are more into her than she than she is into you....”  There are a lot of things that were said as I begin to process things.  Maybe I am thinking too deep into it?  We did post each other on snapchat a lot as friends enjoying life and I remember this one chick, who still has a crush one me, was like “that’s your gf...?” and I sent her the screenshot, maybe I fed into her desires without knowing?  I am always blamed for everything really.  I think my mistake is oversharing?  Hiding your happiness is detrimental to your mind.  Honestly, I am unsure why I suffer so much from things I have no control.  I remember posting, “I love you....” and the pictures from Disneyland Vday, night and my sister DMs me and was like, “why are you saying that, you aren’t together.”  I don’t know why things get to me, honestly.  Everything bothers me.  I did a whole decorative room and my sister was like, “that’s doing a lot for someone you arent with.”  These are things my partner has no knowledge and can’t comprehend why I just cry everyday.  No one’s opinions should matter, but it still hurts.  And then I have the other side of my friends that tell me, they wish someone did what I do.  But yall in 5 year relationships and I can’t even reach one year.  

My marriage is going to end up at the courthouse at this point.  I feel like I am removing myself out of people’s lives faster than I thought.  I thought after my mom’s passing I’d want to hold everyone closer, but that’s not the case.  I feel like ill be lonely forsure.  I miss who I was before my mom passed.  A lot of things I am speaking about, I wouldn’t even be giving it that kind of energy, because it wouldn’t bother me.  She died and a chunk of my heart went missing.  And no one cares how I feel at this point.  The numbness is getting worse I think?  Maybe I should fake it and be happy?  Do what Robin Williams had done majority of his life until the very end.  I can mask the negative energy temporarily.  I am sensitive when it comes to words.  I am not sure why.  Maybe I’ll never understand it.  But I do wish people would be more gentle about how others feel, maybe people would less likely feel the way they feel.  Maybe I’ve grown to be more optimistic about things despite what is present.  When I read messages questioning what I am doing or why I feel the way I feel, it bothers me I assume.  Just let me post, my happiness and I love yous without making me feel like I shouldn’t.  It’s strange how I can post other things and my Dms are dry but I post love and pictures and it’s “huh? you love who?”  But then people are wishing me to find someone and wishing happiness for me, but when I get it, it’s negative.  I’d have to prepare myself for having no friends if thats the direction, the candlework guides me.  I told my partner, she’d be my only friend, and it felt weird but calming to say it.  

----- 05_06_23

Might I say the least, I don’t think anyone wants me to be happy.  It’s better when I am like this, I suppose.  Sad, weak, vulnerable.  Gosh I miss my mom so much!!  I legit have no one to ask advice to anymore.  My mom always gave her unbiased opinions and never made me feel guilty for the choices I made.  Everyone I feel a way towards has died down a little.  I’m slightly feeling better.  I’m scared to interact with people again.  Kind of weird saying that.  I know I am a disease walking, and it sucks but I just want to stay inside my house and wither away.  I know people suggest going outside for a walk, but even then I’m infecting people around me with my energy.  I kind of don’t want to speak to my sister again; kind of don’t want to speak to others either.  Kind of just want to be with my girlfriend in peace.  Not sure if that makes sense.  If I decide to come back, maybe I will create a new IG that no one knows about and I can post, without feeling like I am wrong?  It’s weird how this world thrives on negativity.  Dies with negativity.  It’s sad.  I guess parts of me wish we really followed the cliche "don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you; It is vitally important to treat others as we want others to treat us.” I mean, I’d never do the things people have done to me.  It doesn’t make me a saint, but it does display my character as pure and truthful.  I love when I see love.  I love when others post themselves and their significant other.  

I’d never do what my ex-friend has done, lie and/or speak ill about her.  Whatever we have going on is between me and her, I wouldn’t have said shit to the other girls.  As for everyone else, I wouldn’t of said things whether it was jokes or not.  I wouldn’t have made yall feel hurt either.  I’d be excited for your new love life and wouldn’t care if you spent thousands of dollars on your person, I’d be celebrating with you, not questioning why you are doing something and if it is too soon.  Unless yall know something that I don’t, than tell me the truth in that aspects instead of being passive aggressive about it.  I’ve never emotionally, physically cheated on anyone in my entire life and I don’t judge what yall be doing.  I’m not speaking to exs behind my partners back and meeting up and shit. *sorry for this rant* Ke’Anna doesn’t do hurtful shit period.  So please stop the commentary.  If I propose at six months, I’m sure yall would have something to say about that, but you wouldn’t know, because we don’t speak anymore.  Should I start posting screenshots?  I’m already the bad guy so I mean, call me the joker, because I am about to make everyone smile.