Chapter Two.

2023 August 10.

A lot has happened and I am kind of unsure why things affect me so bad, but that is something I need to work on. I also love the person I am today and refuse to backpedal down to who I use to be. The truth is no one will ever understand a Capricorn and I have heard this from other Capricorns as well. We will always be misunderstood. This is something we are aware of and yet we still complain about it as if the world is going to stop spinning just to understand US, the GOAT. Maybe it's better we understand ourselves and love ourselves and take what we receive as is.

I don't believe we are hard to love, I just think humans refuse to take the extra time to do so, but expect it in return. How I feel right now is quite unethical, if that even makes sense. This white screen I type on can't begin to capture my full emotions within. I think I am tired to be honest. I have been tired since May and all the issues and drama it came with, which flowed into June. The unfortunate thing is I returned to the forefront to avoid 'situations' but in reality wanted to disappear forever. Capricorns, we tend to care too much about people who wouldn't even bring us the moon. I sometimes feel sorry for us, because we don't deserve being treated the way we do. I always state that I wish I was another zodiac sign, because a few are much stronger emotionally, even if the undertone of it is weak.

When I feel like this, I wish my mom was here. I mean real bad. I believe I am filled with a lot of pain and not sure where to go with it. Venting to my friends does nothing anymore and I think I have mentioned that before. Phew...I wish I could really speak on how I feel, but I don't need people to panic. I will type all of this and wake up the next day feeling amazing but that's like putting a bandaid on an unhealed wound that continues to bleed. I think I am tired of just being 'handled' incorrectly. I am kind of tired of expressing my emotions and feelings only for it to seem overdramatic. I know I have an issue with expecting people to think how I think, but not on that level. It's more of if the roles were reversed how would you feel. But even then how can I expect that. I think moving forward in my friendships, family and relationships, I just won't anymore. I won't even be upset about certain things, I just be like "well alright." I understand that's dangerous and it's actually hindering my emotions, but I've been doing this all my life.

Sometimes you have to really sit back and tell yourself, no one gives a damn about your feelings Ke'Anna, because if they did, then A wouldn't have led to C. Today I sat on the floor in silence and gave myself words of affirmation. I thought about what makes me a catch. What makes me desirable. What makes me different from everyone else. To be honest it helped a lot. I had to remind myself of how thoughtful I am when I think of others. My actions create happiness within me that it shows through the person. I am honest and loyal. I put others before me and always think before doing. I am loving and caring with a little razzle dazzle. I validate others feelings without attempting to impose with my thoughts and opinions. I make sure the person is heard and be sure after, to "check in." The list can go on. I sat and thought about all the compliments I had received over time from past folks I had interest in. Sometimes you have to take a second to conquer the subconscious negative thoughts. I mean after all I did have two women fly out here just to see if I was real. Lol,

I think the only person I could say who understood me was the one who didn't want to commit. Lol, how ironic. Maybe because she was young and less tainted by society? But then again my sister is a Libra and even though I be side-eyeing, she definitely does validate and attempts to understand your thoughts. I had to clap for my sister one time, because she was never like that. That's huge growth that I have seen. I be wishing sometimes that I wasn't me. The personality that everyone likes. Sometimes I wish I was less caring and more selfish. And I mean really selfish, whatever that looks like, because I have no idea, Lol. Maybe nonchalant? More so an inconsiderate person? A person that honestly just does whatever and apologizes over and over again, because humans love to scream accountability. But then the world lives in pain, so me being inconsiderate to others would be a fraction of what they already endured. Could anyone imagine me being this person? They would honestly be scared. Lol, my friends would unfriend me. Everyone would be like Ke'Anna isn't KeAnna. It would be real life scary. It wouldn't be considered acting out, it would be more of trying on a new pair of shoes. Maybe if I was more inconsiderate I wouldn't live in this agony pain. How can I even explain what I mean. I mean I'd be a human who is numb and feel less and it would save me from overthinking and sleepless nights.

I should consider this next venture. It would definitely help in so many ways. I feel sorry for those who took advantage of who I was, Lol. Seriously, I be scared of my own self and the abilities I have to turn into someone else. Next everyone going to call me cold, but I was just warm all those times. Who knows, but I do feel a change is coming indefinitely. Once I stop crying, it's the start of something beautiful. Something magical. The only reason I will be crying is because I miss my mother. Everyone else will receive not a drop of tears from me. I shall return to write some more later this month, if time permits. I have so much on my plate and unsure how to handle it, but will attempt to week by week.

Your relationship seems like shit. Why not leave?

Honey, if you know who a #Capricorn is then that provides you half the reason. This relationship was grand until a third party came into the picture. That destroyed a lot and in the midst I was trying to mourn my mother. This relationship has ups and downs like any other one, but it does become straining. It's not healthy at all. I love and care about the person quite dearly. But it will always be more than that for me to stick around. I like fairness in a relationship. My partner is allowed to express herself and I allow the space to be had. There is a issue and I find a solution, validating feelings is crucial. Now in return I express things like in my blog; re: realtor friend. and there is a lack of validation. So the question is would you stay?

Don't ever think a person is never going to leave or the thought of leaving has not crossed their minds. It always does.

No More Time.

2024_11_03

Let me tell you how quickly the universe will show you what you need to be showed. We started going to the gym, which I think is grand for both of us. I do enjoy spending a lot of time with my partner regardless. I don't think I really get bored with being with them, but also, I lived with my ex for years, maybe that's where the comfortability comes from.

Some dude decides to approach me about some damn paper towels, while I had headphones on, still don't know what was really said except some $20 for paper towels. We talked around and then we meet him again and this time he says something and I am like huh, while my headphones are still on. Now, most would say just take them off, but I am not interested in men nor care what they have to say. I point at my partner and say my name and he got confused, but it was my way of introducing myself and her, because that's what you do. Next, I say bye, play into it, but continue to mind mine. We are outside and per usual this dude pulls and says he's not stalking, I go up to his car and he's like if you don't mind putting my number in and then I look back at my parter, he goes, you need your friends permission. Ninjas be the dumbest I swear, I said no that's my girlfriend at which he apologized.

Here is the part where the universe loves to bring the same situation in a different scenario.

We are looking for houses. One sign had her friend's name on it, so we decide to go see it, no issue there. We pull, give him a call and he magically appears. Now this the part that really makes you question so much. I think his name is JP something and so he's obvious siked he hasn't seen my partner in awhile, I get that, but guess what he did not acknowledge me at all. He walks in turns on the lights and proceeds to show the house. At this point I stood in the living area for a minute and when I realized I was not going to be introduced, I started walking around the house rather quickly, while he continued to play catch up with her. He's asking questions but I am responding to some, still no introduction. I walked outside while they stay inside still talking. Then she goes, "this is my girlfriend.." and he ask me for my name and we shake hands. As we leave I tell my partner exactly how I felt at which she turned and tells me that, how would you feel if someone you haven't seen in awhile, he was just so siked. Really?

I joked about it but really had to let it settle to have a moment to think about it. This is the umpteen time my own partner will defend everyone else and not me. The fact that, I said it was rude and disrespectful and it was shadowed with, he was just excited to see someone he hasn't seen in awhile is crazy. Okay, he's excited, we went through the whole house and he didn't know who I was. He asked were you still with your ex and you said no, but never mentioned you are in a relationship, kind of skipped over that. Maybe I am tripping or being extra, but I observe and peep things like this. These things matter, because they will create the future. It's making me think she's not comfortable telling people she's in a relationship and she's in a relationship with a woman. If the scenario was different, to me, as soon as he asked was she still with such and such, she would of said, no i'm not but this is my boyfriend craig. See lesbians really need to stick with straight lesbians, no offense. I mean most I've dated been either previously bi or been with women for years.

I have never experienced being with someone who wants to keep themselves a secret about their status, whether it's the world's business or not. I have never experienced being out and someone not introduce me. It's the most weird thing. Then on top of that when I say something feels disrespectful instead of just saying, I'm sorry you feel that way or something else, she always excuses their behaviors or makes up reasons for them. It's like but had I not said I was in a relationship to the dude at the gym, you'd feel some way. If I EVER meet her ex formally and I say, he seemed rude, I bet she'll defend and say, oh pay him no mind, he's having one of those days. Like why do we do shit like that. I don't defend nobody behaviors period. If my partner expresses they felt disrespected, I'ma be sure to take their side and hear them out. I am not about to make excuses for no one not even my friends. Like when she said my best friend girlfriend hugged her funny, I didn't make a excuse at all. I address people with respect. Had I said, oh Luckiii, is just like that, she'd say I am for her or some shit like that.

Only time will tell though, a Capricorn starts to evolve after they have been hurt and that's the most dangerous thing, that most don't understand. We get real cold and begin to not care until things end or we end it. At this point I am going to let things play out, I am not asking for anything to be fair. Life isn't fair, my mother is completely gone. But this not telling people you in a relationship is suspicious if you ask me. Some folks have told me, that it seems like I am into her more than she's into you. That kind of hurt my feelings, but what if it's true? Because the whole relationship I really held her down, telling people I am in a relationship no hesitation at all. Why do I even have to complain about something like that though. I honestly don't care to be acknowledged, because of how much confidence I posses. It was just embarrassing to be in a space like that. Literally walking through the whole entire house wanting it to be over, because it was very awkward.

Also, everything is always my fault. Because I didn't want to hear about Candy Cane, she texted her behind my back. Because I said, tell certain people you in a relationship, that's my fault. Why not just do what YOU feel, I could careless. Literally I live this lesbian life, I don't pick and choose majority of the time. The old security at my job, I didn't anything but if he ask again, I'ma tell him I bump coochie with women, I am not afraid nor care. I just don't care for anyone to know who I am at a job, because every time it comes out, the women start trying me and I hate that shit. If you telling people you in a relationship or have a girlfriend when I am not present, that's major kudos for yourself. I don't live in secret. I wish she would just own her shit like I had to, instead of finding loop holes to not take accountability.

But what do I expect she did tell me at the beginning, that she's not really putting her all into such relationship and she hasn't lied about that. Usually people that aren't looking for a relationship and they tell you what they will and will not do, will always show you with words and actions. The universe knows what's next. But I -- honestly can't be in a relationship (a year at that) and my partner refuses to tell folks she's in a relationship. If it's due to being uncomfortable, than in my mind we should just be friends. People would think, you'd leave over that and it's like yes. As a Capricorn, everything adds up and the smallest issue will boil over and end it all. I just can't be with someone who plays hides and seek. I allowed it for this long and I am not willing to continue. The year mark for me is like let me see what they give in this relationship, that I have given.

---

Liar.

2024_05_02

Let me not type this in a childish tone and attempt to review the seriousness of context at hand. I am actually smiling because one of my clients works with big time folks and I am always trying to get the tea. Anyways, so I lied about being on the phone in the morning. I explained why I did it and then apologized and said I was in the wrong. This is a small lie at that, but I can understand how small lies lead into bigger ones which creates this whole trust issue thing. I think what is so fascinating about humans is that we will never think the same or view things the same which causes the disagreements and arguments.

She asked me or rather told me that I am on the phone all day, as if in my thoughts it's a problem or something. I took it and saw fit to lie and say I didn't which she goes through my phone the following days and then tells me why. Now I got caught, so I explained the reason, just like I told my best friend the same story and the reason. So, after all of that I apologized and said I was in the wrong, in the midst of that I did mention how she has lied too. Now, when I lie its literally a white lie, and it never benefits me obviously. But usually I do lie about if I ate that day, but never where I am going or who I am with. So I lied about being on the phone, but as she scrolls, she can see it's with my friends and no one new. My best friend referred it too, when a kid lies because they are scared. I am a adult, so it would be weird to use that. But literally I was accused of sleeping on the phone with someone and I didn't. I think your brain rewires itself as things occur. It wasn't my intention to lie, but my brain literally goes to "oh shit, you telling me i've been on the phone all day in the morning and it's not with you." Now, we get past that. I apologize and explained it and so forth.

What gets me is that, she said, a big lie we can have a conversation and move forward but small lies, she doesn't like because of her past. Okay, got it. Might I remind you, she threw something back that I told her in my face, this has happened twice and yes, no for me. What gets me and grinds my gears, is it's starting to feel like, she is looking for things to find whats wrong with me, because of what happened months ago. Then turn around and say that she didn't lie and it was more of a omission. Withholding information, isn't lying? Oh wow. I--

Then as of today, we joking around, at which I will never joke around anymore. She asks "who I was available too" I said no one, but I took to long to respond so the jokes are now over. Then I said I'll send you a screenshot, she goes things can be deleted. Honeychild, you don't know me and my friends. We are the screenshot and history of holding on to shit. I still got the conversations from everyone I interacted with in my phone and even my old phones, in case a bish ask what occurred in 1900, Lol. I got over 10k photos and most need to be deleted, but it's so hard. Like, if I wanted to delete anything, wouldn't I have deleted the call log but I didn't clearly you could see the facts.

I need to seek a therapist though, I am over this Candy Cane incident but I am not. The fact that she lied and then had the audacity to make it seem innocent as if it's okay to be texting a ex whatever, like did you or did you not reply and did you or did you not refuse information that would of killed the interaction. I'll lie to people I don't care about, are you serious? Not telling your ex thing you are in a relationship is what? Why would someone make an advance and continue to regardless of you shutting it down. Like -- I need to scream. Like, and you didn't think how something like that could affect me and it's been months. But lordt bless it be the fruit, because I vowed never to speak about it again. Like, how lucky can you be to be forgiven and I don't joke around about it nor get upset with you period, but I-- don't respond now you don't trust me. Lol, God take the wheel. Listen I get it a lie is a lie, but honey child, I-- need people to understand that shit right there was the BIGGEST lie I had told in my face. I real life need to see a therapist. Like I am exploding inside because it's like oh shit Ke'Anna did this, but I digress. It's more of the fact that today the joke went sour and she usually has a face which means she's not joking anymore. And at that point, I am done joking around, because it's been other incidents, where I joke and she thought -- I am good, this is the alternative Ke'Anna, the one that no one likes at all, the one where everyone says I am too serious and never fun.

Like real shit, shouldn't I be worried, since she "handles things" behind my back with ex folks. Like I would never do no shit like that, that alone causes trust issues and I am not diverting away from the fact that I lied, because I was in the wrong, but I am more or less upset, because she lied and I didn't even flinch, I had to cry alone, cry to my sister and best friend. But honey child, when I tell you the type of bish I become, is the reason you never want to disrespect me in the first place. Especially on some ex type shit. But I'll take this L and we gon move past it, but I will tell you something, Ima screenshot all my calls and conversations everyday, because what folks aren't going to do is crucify me for a lie that was merely innocent. Say some shit and hang me dry, when you catch me talking to my exs, but matter of fact if I did, they'd know I was in a relationship and any disrespect I take care of that, but she already knows that.

Last part I was good after the conversation until today, now I am really pissed off, because here we go again.

On a positive note, I will say that, I am proud for listening to my partner at every moment there is a issue and finding a solution, that I disagree with but will do it for the sake of caring for someone and putting my mental last. And I proud of myself to be able to have conversations and apologize without merely making excuses and viewing my partners emotions at hand and genuinely being apologetic and facing the fact I am in the wrong. This is growth.

---

Un-Mournful.

2023_02_11

I be on twitter wishing I was a stud sometimes. Lol, the way they don't give a care in the world and gross bluntness of their minds are kind of intriguing. I have been irritated for a week now and to the unknown others don't know, but regardless it's always something a person does not do that adds to it.

I think the issue for me is, I'm at a point where nothing will ever change in this world and I should stop complaining. It's not enough venting that could heal my broken mind. I have yet to mourn my mother and I can't believe I am functioning at this time. From April to August, it's been the most unnecessary issues that I had to deal with rather than feel the pain of losing my mother. I've realized that the world honestly does "go on..." no one cares if you just lost someone close to you, life goes on and anything that comes your way, you have to deal with it, which is unfair in the most sense. Everyone is selfish in my opinion. I can't blame them alone, I should have spoke my thoughts and my mind, but sometimes its difficult and no one will understand that. I honestly wish my mom was here, I could have someone to sit at the edge of the bed and vent my thoughts out and cry, but she's gone.

I just feel like if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't do what people do to me, I'd more considerate, but that's unrealistic and not the way the world is setup. Not the way God intended us humans to be. Not the way philosophy states that humans could perfectly be perfect. I am trying to not be a burden but use the opportunity, that word is kind of eh... but to create plans and be outside and simply ask "hey..what are your plans.." but it does sound intruding. I'm not very good at asking folks, I don't want to bother them, I am not trying to come with my negative energy in their space. But yet they are all so welcoming, so it's really on me, for not taking those opportunities.

I feel sort of alone and what's so weird about it is, I prepared myself for this and I envisioned myself in this exact position. The transition of it all had its ups and downs but the establishments there made it easier, because I didn't have to really do much but notify the important entities. I honestly need to figure out what to do when I pass, because the way my sister is quick to rid my mom's phone and simply not pay the bill for a year, scares me. I need to figure out who would best be responsible with my assets. I feel like my friends wouldn't just get rid of things that meant the most, they would keepsake them or use them. Literally, my sister wanted to give away the MacBook that my mom had just bought, like what the hell. I swear people don't care when you are alive or dead. The only difference is they don't have to care when you are alive, because you still exist, but once you are dead, there is no longer that interaction or opportunity to reach out, so welp, who cares. I have never felt this alone until my mom left me. And I think that's what made me feel the pain within my body. I don't even know how I survived and didn't off myself in that moment, because I promised myself that if my mom passed, I'd have to go too.

Everyone telling me what I should do, but neither have offered to help or assist. Well, one, but guess what zodiac sign that is a damn Capricorn, Lol. I am always available with "do you need anything, do you need anything from me?" But it's never reciprocated. Lol, I can't even have a seat to mourn, I am like what bullshit is about to come forward for the next two months. I didn't even cry on Mother's Day, I just sat there in confusion looking for the tears, but now I know why. I was dealing with unexpected things, which was unfair to me. Sometimes I sit and think I can't wait to be 6 feet under, but then I know that's the end and there are places I want to visit and people I want to meet. The world will never understand us Capricorns and that's alright, because we are the world, we are mother earth and we stand on everything like the goat.

People don't understand how I love honesty and what it does to my soul. People don't like how I react after honesty. Here's the thing, I stay honest because I can't control how a person's emotions will be. But in my lifetime, when people are honest, I move accordingly, and majority of the time they are upset. All the people that wanted to be with me, were honest with me and we not together. Lol, Listen, I love truths, it allows me to free myself. How people feel or say things is exactly how they feel, the subconscious just seeps through their mouth out into the world. Why hide it, it's a beautiful thing. When people tell me how they really feel, it hurts but it also lets me know how I should move next. That's why I say it and will say it again, no one really wants me like that, it's all agendas. It's all part of the simulation. It's all part of the matrix. I am and will always be second or last before everyone else. Lol, relationships, family, etc. Meanwhile I put everyone first... how can I stop this madness? How can I be filled with less guilty consciousness? How can I not care? How do I disappear?

I just want the world to be more ...empathetic, more kind, more loving, more caring. More thoughtful...

Chapter One.

2023 August 13.

I feel a lot better. Self-soothing and healing has been my go-to since I was an adolescent. It's more evident being that my mom is no longer here. Someone mentioned journaling and I said to myself that I should journal more when things are going well. Not always mention the negative things, but highlight the journeys and experiences I am having. I still feel sleepy everyday, I literally stayed up for over twelve hours, because my mind was overhauled and I was coming down from anxiety. I did speak out-loud things I desired. I have come to the conclusion that my life choices are based on me not really being grounded. Someone else is getting married that I know of to her partner. I know time has no limit, but I am beginning to think I am wasting it. It's a catch 22 situation. Hell, my ex is married, Lol. This is why I question on becoming someone else, because being me has got me nowhere. Playing the nice, considerate, loving Ke'Anna has got me nowhere. I mean I could stop trying to walk away from situations so quickly, yes. I could not really care about situations and just shrug when they happen.

No one has interests in marrying me and I am wondering why? It could be them and not me, but why waste my time? Why involve yourself with me if there is no desire to be married. Part of this is my fault, because I am not firm on my intentions when people ask me if I want to be married. I tend to say yes and no instead being honest and saying yes I actually do. Perhaps I need to conquer the fear of marriage and embrace the positive unity of it. Not being sure in your intentions and manifesting will cause havoc in your life. I know a lot of people shrug but it's the truth. I wonder if I should purchase another candle of removal. Or the candle that reveals everything. I shouldn't have to question why things aren't how they are. But it bothers me to not know the unknown. I wouldn't waste anyone's time if we didn't have the same ideals. Even before marriage, I can't even get someone to be fully committed and I am starting to wonder if I am not enough. And not that I am not enough, but if I am lacking somewhere. Maybe I am too nice? I feel like I need to get back into therapy at this point to figure out what is happening in my life.

I manifested marriage. I manifested being in love and happily married. I manifested living together with my partner. I manifested that I want my partner to value and respect me, respect my feelings, emotions, body, spirit and mind. I desire to be loved and cared for with any doubts. I desire to be respected, I mention this twice, because everyone I date lacks the respect part. There is so much more that I said that I can't think of at this moment, but I truly hope the universe starts to move mountains. I know everything seems relationship oriented but it's because even with my mom gone, the rest of my life is well put together and I am ready to settle down. I am almost thirty-five. I no longer want to continue to date, just to date and be used up. Just to be emotionally abused and with that statement it does not mean emotional abuse. I think I mentioned it in my previous blog, I literally desire someone that is head over heels for me. Knowing how I am in relationships, I am always that person. My friends and my sister were like in shocked for what I did and planned for my dates. They were like this is what I've been asking and it's literally simple things. Literally, within a budget. Except that basket with glasses, phew... that was out of my budget, but you know, it's good for the future, lol. If I was to post what I did, I mean... the DMs would flood.

I desire someone to be in love with me, like I don't think I ever felt that before. People have loved me, but it's like "yes I love you.." Well after awhile it's just that. I love my friends but I am not dating them that's just the difference. Is it a lot I am asking? Lol, I desire not to be in a one-sided relationship. Both parties have a mutual understanding of boundaries and respect for each other. Twitter definitely distracted me for a good minute. I need to finish this blog. But there is a lot more, but I hope in the next few months, everything I desire happens. Everything I feel becomes content and I feel confident in what I feel. The crazy thing about it is I am excited to be married and go dress shopping, my mom won't be there and that literally will be very painful, but I want to cry and try on dresses at the same time. I am such a lover more than anything. I also desire someone to not chase or beg, but want to work for a relationship or make it work I should say. Sometimes I feel like giving up, because I will put into work when I am in a relationship and if I get tired my partner should create that space of "I got us.." I don't expect perfection at all in my relationships, never have. But I do expect to be respected and understood. That's my main priority in my relationship moving forward.

Ending this with I hope everything I manifest comes into fruition at this point in my life. I don't want to say that I am deserving of it, but in away I am because I've lived here for so long and have gone through so many journeys and enjoyed so many experiences and didn't enjoy other experiences, but that's part of life. At some point your journey has to take a turn with something that you aren't ready for, but something fulfilling and desirable. I believe I am tired of the same routine and the same feelings and emotions and the same ending. I need that to change and I am open to receiving that change.

Chapter Four.

11 August 2023.

I sat here and cried for thirty minutes. Lol, I am tempted to call my circle of friends and cry some more. I'm honestly in a weird space. I sat here again and praised who I am, in order avoid succumbing to my thoughts. One thing I said to myself is Ke'Anna, you are great at understanding even when you are misunderstood. I thought to myself as a partner, I have grown and I love that for myself.

When I am in a relationship, I am able to validate my partners feelings without making it about me, egotistic. If my partner has an issue, I am welcoming of their feelings without even thinking. I am a fixer without hesitation. I don't insert my thoughts about how I FEEL, because it's not about me. It's about my partner in this moment. I avoid the, "well I thought or I think..." mindset, because again, it's not about me. I love the fact that I listen to understand and to find out how my partner feels. I love the fact that in that instant, when I say I am going to do something I actually do it. And that's growth.

I don't ever want my partner to feel like their feelings are dismissed or invalidated. I have people that I use to talk to who said that's what they liked about me the most. *le sigh, but they could never really provide me the same. The lack of reciprocation. I sat here and cried, because at this moment I don't feel amazing inside. I honestly don't. I tend to move forward because that's how life is. But how I feel remains the same. I think part of me what I have noticed throughout the years of my life is I never receive reciprocation. Do I expect it, not really. Would it be nice, most definitely. Years of therapy and learning to communicate with abuser did something, someone go thank the SHE of Ike turner. I really dislike who I am right now. I never felt like this but I do. I can't even ask God why he made me this way, because there is no reason to question it. I just don't get why I have to fix and care about everyone's feelings but when it comes to mine, I'm dramatic. My friends have said I am dramatic several times, until they hear me crying and they realize I actually have emotions. I cried about the same thing in May and June, when everything was happening. Like why Ke'Anna. Just stop caring about everyone's feelings. Stop fixing shit. The whole Barbie friendship I am sure they want me to fix that too and I didn't do shit.

Why is it that no one comes to me and fixes things or take accountability or just simply say, I am sorry, I am going to go ahead and fix the issue. It's always a debate and trust me it never fails. The tears are coming... I honestly don't ask for anything really, but respect and loyalty. My feelings to be validated. Maybe that's why ol girl tried to lock me down so quick, Lol, I am as transparent as they come and don't need to lie about anything. She said, "i want us to be exclusive..." Lol, I wasn't having it, because who are you? I mentally stimulated you and think differently now you trying to lock me away with no ring, honey please. Lol. Phew women. I try to laugh to stop the tears seriously. I should start posting on Twitter and speaking on subjects like this. I know intellectual conversations is a turn on for most. Maybe I am too loyal? I shouldn't be. Should I go back to Snapchat, like I use to and preach. I honestly don't feel like getting hit on, Lol, not really laughing but more annoyed about it. I mean I know how to put people in their place, but still.

When I don't sleep it means things are not settled within me at all. I'm no longer overthinking but I am just disappointed more than sad. I cry it out for a couple of days and then I feel what should be my next move. I guess I am tired like I said previously. The things I yearn for in my life will never be fulfilled and it pains me. Even with my friendships, I ask for my feelings to be validated, that means so much to me than anything else. I am sure I will overcome this, but I know what will become of it. It also sucks when I have feelings or a issue everyone is upset, at me for being upset and I just think that is beyond unfair. That honestly grinds my gears to the fullest. How narcissistic can you be? but in the end I am glad I am that partner that people want in their life when it comes to validation and understanding a person's feelings. Like a show I watch on youtube, she always says, sometimes people just want to be heard and that is really it.

The Heartbreaker?

06_03_23

Why am I so poetic?  I can get really deep with my words.  I guess that’s the part of me that’s still alive.  I am ultimately shocked when I write about love and things.  It’s a rarity that I write poems for anyone.  When I do consider it a one in a million moment.

I think I will dive into this quite quickly.  I am not upset or mad, because I am numb at this moment.  But I am disappointed, I suppose.  The fact that a friend of mine decides to do a Oprah interview and tell all without coming to speak to me is definitely grounds for never being a friend of mine again.  The fact that, she decides to tell someone that she is heartbroken, because I “ghosted” her, but never used all methods to reaching out to me to check on me is the reason I am writing this out.  Manipulators are like abusers, well my therapist would say they are.  She needed to tell the story first to make herself seem as if I am the one doing all this.  Listen, at this point, I will take the L and be the bad person, because that seems to be the narrative here.

It’s the fact that she can not reply and have the whole entire group on ‘do not disturb’ but post on social media and then return when she feels like it and, I actually don’t flinch or feel like “she’s not my friend.” Everyone goes through things!  If you’ve known me, you know I hide my feelings and emotions and be that supportive friend through it all.  I get quiet after Mother’s Day and post on social media and all of a sudden, I am ghosting and breaking someone’s heart.  This is exactly why I am removing myself from everyone.  I am tired.  This shouldn’t bother me, but it does.  Imagine being there for everyone and supporting them, making sure they are good when you are not and then God says “Hey Ke’Anna, I’m going to take your mother from you now.” and I still be there for everyone.  Mother’s Day was hard for me and nobody cared to ask me will I be okay.  I am highly disappointed in her.  And it’s not just the situation now, this person will flake on you day in and day out with so many excuses.  On top of that the other girl paid for her whole Bday dinner just for her NOT to show up.  I was upset for the girl at the time, because that was honestly foul.  No one knows how to communicate anymore I suppose but expect people to communicate.  My question to her is why even start the narrative about me that isnt true.  Also, I don’t like lies.  I can barley lie myself, my consciousness, guilty consciousness rather just could never.  Saying things like that will make people think we real life had something going on and we did not.  Thankfully the person I am dating trusts me to know it’s not what she is saying.

Could you imagine if I was with the last girl or my ex.  And I went to vent to them, they’d accuse me of had done something with the girl and believed her instead of me.  That’s why I don’t play about my character or name.  You out here doing too much.  I get it, I was that friend, real friend out the group and I cared and made sure you were good, but isn’t that what friends are suppose to do?  Perhaps this is my down fall.  Perhaps I do a lot for people and they become platonically possessive.  Maybe it’s just the taurus?  I understand going through a friendship breakup, but please tell the truth.  Maybe deep down inside you are projecting?  Maybe you are jealous that everyone is in a relationship out the group and you are not.  Imagine if me and my other bestfriend got married, since the other two in the group are married.  I do recall this text though, where after I made it official, she said something about, “you are leaving me for someone else...” I will definitely find it sooner or later.  I try not to read into things sometimes, because it’s literally all shits and giggles, but also you have to pay attention to the hidden truths.

Karmic energy is real.  I honestly tried to help her as a friend to cut the soul ties with her exs, rebalance her chakras and vibrational energy, but she refused.  Everything she has told me, you have to sit back and think this is karma.  Although a person can sit and tell you what another person has done, you’d have to think than why are you surrounded constantly by negative energy.  Why do things not happen for you?  I believe some people are content with things happening to them.  I am not.  I worked so hard on my spiritual journey to unravel it all.  Maybe us not being friends is the best.  I mean in general what kind of friend has their do not disturb on forever in a day and is only available when they want to be.  I’m sure the other girls don’t care or maybe they do, but everyone feelings do matter.

On the contrary I am disconnecting my phone, Tmobile asked me a million questions just to turn off the service.  If I want to disappear into the ocean, who needs to know that Tmobile, I pay the services now turn it off.  But I am going to do some candle work, which is dangerous might I add.  Lol, Sage is mildly dangerous but the candles I have, I did it once and was shook by the results.  That’s the reason I refuse to relit them unless necessary.  I just feel entirely numb.  And while being numb, I don’t feel like going to work anymore, I miss my mom.  I have no one to vent about my feelings too.  It’s really lonely even though I have my family and friends and my partner it’s very lonely.  I thought about joining some groups in the LGBTQ community to get out the house and do meet ups, but I feel like a disease.  I feel like if anyone was to hug me I’d cry and no one wants to be around that.  I don’t even want to be in this vessel right now.  My cousin keeps throwing away things and I think it’s adding pain within me that I can’t explain.  I am not in a dark space but honestly I wish I could dig the grave site where my mom is and be with her forever.  It’s almost six months and like my friend who lost her mother as well told me “it gets quiet..” no one calls, you become lonely.  And it’s crazy how we mistreat others while they have a breathe in their body but as soon as they die, it’s “I miss them so much...” but 3 months later its radio silence.  That’s why I don’t fear death at all.  But that’s another blog for another day.

To end this blog ----

I did see my mother in my dreams, I think?  It’s her but no words are spoken.  I think subconsciously I am still waiting for the doctors to tell me to come pick her up.  The last blog I wrote that I wanted people to miss me, but I was weak.  I could careless about being missed.  I just don’t want to feel numb anymore.  I want to feel loved and chosen and seen like I stated, but missed, that’s what photographs are for.  I do wish the friendship didn’t end like that, but that’s cliche of a statement.  I wish the world was more gentle to those who are suffering in silence.  I wish the world would be washed of lies and deceit.  I wish those around would stop calling me rich.  Don’t ask why but it does bother me.  To be honest, the funds are enough to cover my funeral, if yall really want to know.  But moving on, I hope me and the ocean waves meet again.  Maybe the ocean will grab me and pull me somehow, but never give me back.  

Stand Still

05_28_23

It’s been awhile since i’ve written, I was locked out somehow.  I am impressed that people actually read my previous blog and reposted it.  Phew, what a time in my life.  Back in 08_2021, I stated what I wanted and I am ultimately shocked by the strength to bounce back.  The strength to continue to love and care when you don’t feel it being reciprocated.  This is more of a where I am entry.

I went to the beach yesterday like I usually would do when I feel numb, anxiety or my social battery has hit zero.  The urgency of wanting to be at the beach was as if the ocean was yanking me.  Poetically I can speak about love, the moon, etc.  It was the way the waves kept kissing the sand, every time it flowed towards the base of the beach.  It’s the the silent connection between the moon and the ocean that brings the waves.  I was able to release and cleanse a lot of emotions and pain.

I feel lost.  I felt like letting the ocean drift me away.  The coldness would feel like the warmth of a long and forever hug.  Maybe I could reach the horizon if I kept drifting, all the times of me writing poetically about the sun meeting the edge of the earth, I would be able to see it but not necessarily come back and tell it.  I honestly salute mother earth.  She honestly does so much for the dysfunctional human beings, even when she’s tired.  We have so much in common, I wouldn’t trade the year, month, time or date I was born.  

Lately, I’ve been self reflecting, I have yet to actually speak of December 2022.  But in the midst of self reflecting, I thought about my dating life and I’m not sure why.  About a month ago, I sat in my bed and cried, “I just want someone to choose me for once, i’ve chosen myself.”  I started rewinding after 2016.  Reviewing details of those I encountered as if I am Bosch trying to solve a open case.  I noted to myself that, everyone likes the idea of a relationship with Ke’Anna but don’t actually want to be in a relationship with Ke’Anna.  It was odd for me to repeat this to myself out loud while tears rolled down my face.  I know my worth and was disgusted at myself for feeling like this, but I needed to be honest to myself?  I could write a series of books for each individual that has made me feel this way.  I be feeling like statements just come out of nowhere sometimes.  

Honestly, I’ve talked to more women then actually dated them.  The compliments are nice, I suppose.  I always get the “you are so different.”  And I have been hearing that since my spiritual journey began.  “I like you, but I don’t want a relationship” (but gets jealous when I go on dates with others).  “I like how you think.”  It’s as if I give them a hint of who I am and they selfishly claim me, but IF it gets deeper, within the 30,60,90 days, and I ask about the first step to anything is friendship and dating, the crickets begin to chirp.  Perhaps that’s my default of not giving people enough of my time.  But I did give someone 12 months and she did not want to let me go, but did not want to be in a committed relationship, or in other words, 'enjoyed the cute dates, the attention, the love, the affection, etc from me, what a relationship consists of, but was unable to reciprocate.’  That situation wasn’t bad, but I felt like I was in a relationship by myself.  Relationships are not jobs.  And she later admitted to dragging me on, knowing she didn’t want to commit.  Back to the point...

I understand that in our lives we are at different levels of our journeys and when we cross paths with another that the universe has aligned this meeting for a reason.  This one women, till this day think she has a chance.  I’ve known her for three years and we talked but she said “im working on myself” and we kept talking but I knew after 90 days that it would be a dead end.  Right before I started dating the DV chick, I had asked her every six months about where she is on her journey and if dating was a option, she’d say I am still working on myself.  I also let her know that I am going to go ahead and date others and her reply was “you dont have to wait on me...” but then later said, “im jealous that they get to be with you.”  If anyone wants to explain the hows and whys to this?  This is why I feel as though a lot of people get to know me and it depends how deep I am willing to go, they love the idea of me but refuse to be with me.  I appreciate it, that’s why I say I enjoy rejection, its a redirection.  But at the same time it kinds of hurts?  Also, this person literally sexually assaulted me outside of my car.  This is why I feel like, people just want to have sex with me and they have to manipulate me in order to get it.  It’s sick.  Literally, went to give a hug goodbye, and like a ninja, told me “I didn't come all the way out here for nothing..” then proceeded to grab and touch on me as I am trying to push her off me, it was horrible.  Sometimes I honestly hate being small and thin.  I have no strength when it comes to off-guard situations.

Everyone is so selfish with me and it’s not even the healthy version of it.  Not everything is toxic, I think society views certain behaviors as red flags or toxic, by using their own past trauma.  The subconscious will get you every time.  I think people want to put me on a shelf like a book, so no one can experience me except them, but they won’t come back to the book until they are ready, in the meantime the book has to sit there until it’s opened and the words off the pages are set free.  I don’t like chaos in my life.  And it feels as though there is always some sort of chaos.  Also, everyone tends to treat me like I am disposable.  My ex fwb had a baby daddy and a child at the time, which she did not tell me that until almost 60 days later.  At which, things ended because I was accused of a lot of things I did not do.  I wont forget her screaming at me, “my family and baby daddy and child come first.”  But then would later say things to her child about how we going to be together and I was his stepmother.  After that she later apologized and admitted she loved me.  The damage was done.  You wanted me all to yourself, but knew that was impossible, but yet tried to bookmark me in your life.

I could literally tell stories as if we are at a campfire.  My life currently feels unappreciated.  This also includes family and friends.  I feel unappreciated.  I feel unloved.  I feel uncared for.  I feel like I am existing in everyone’s life, not actually living.  I don’t feel physically present here.  I feel like “people are in your life for a season.” is an excuse for people to reveal themselves and their behaviors.  I feel used.  I don’t feel missed.  I miss someone so much, that the day they departed should have been the day I departed.  I am accountable for allowing things in my life to happen like this.  But also, there are always wolves in sheep clothing aka manipulators.  I know that when I disappear, everyone will miss the ability to access me.  I have done it before, went offline for 3 months.  The amount of support and love was overwhelming.  But we shouldn’t wait until a person is simply offline, once a person departs earth, it’s not just three months, its forever.  I am not looking for sympathy.  I tend to bring that light into everyone’s life.  I be asking for nothing in return.  

I’ve realized in my dating life no one ever chooses me.  My ex chose her ex gf to move in and didn’t care about how I felt.  My ex fwb only chose me when it was convenient for her.  And yet, I choose people I care about or put their feelings before mines.  Perhaps I shouldn’t anymore.  Everyone I dated tend to hid me as well, I don’t want to be anyones secret.  Privacy is one thing but I think back and feel like, it was done negatively.  I feel bad for wanting to be offline, because I want to disconnect my phone as well.  Sometimes I feel like I will never be married.  Its a rash of emotions.  At this time I just cry, I haven’t cried this much in awhile.  I think the last time I cried they were trying to figure out if I had leukemia and I was dating the non-commitment girl.  I don’t want to feel numb at all.  I want to be wrapped in love.  

I’ll end this blog with a few or a lot of thoughts.

I want to be loved and cared for quite heavily.  I want to feel chosen in my dating life and not feel like I always prioritize the person, but I am always 3rd, 4th and 5th in their life.  I want my feelings to matter for once.  I want my friends and family to appreciate things I do when I am not feeling well mentally.   I am really not asking for much.  I want people to do things without me asking.  I really want to be treated kindly and gently.  I want people to actually love me and not just say “i love you...” if that make sense.  I can hear a newly ex friend of mine, “i love you so much key” but only shows up for the negative things in my life. I want people in my life to show up for all things positive.  I want someone to pour into me instead of simply just taking, that includes family and friends.  

The Aftermath.

09_03_21

I’ve been in a awkward emotional phase.  I would have to call it a phase, because it is temporary feelings and will pass.  Not sure where these emotions fall under.  I think I am at the end where I am content with how everything happened.  I am content with where my life is.  Maybe everything happened for me to self reflect and make changes about myself.  I am unsure.  It’s been a hell of a road and what is irritating the most is when I actually took time to myself.  Everyone has not been accepting of that.  I am surprised at how hurtful, focusing on yourself can be to others.  But when you are faking and being there for everyone but yourself, its okay then, no one is ‘hurt.’

I  wrote my goals on a board and two of them have happened already.  I am shocked that writing things out adds sparkle to manifesting what you desire.  I booked a commercial from a self tape!  And I am going to see H.E.R. in concert!  Listen, yall, when I met her at the BET Awards I said I would see her again, just didn’t know exactly how that would happen.  Dang, this is the first time I felt happy inside.  Like no faking the emotions inside.  I feel the joy within first before it appears.  Damn, 32 years and I feel happy.  Like real life happy.  And I am not scared to feel peace and happiness.  In the process of it, I have been isolating myself, I can hear my therapist now.  But it’s sort of working.  I only give limited energy to everyone.  Meaning that I speak to my friends half the day and the rest I go radio silence.  I can only manage so much.  I feel like once I have established my own balance then I can take on as much as I can, but I don’t miss that life anymore.  I love being there for myself.  I think it will make me a better human.  I am currently working on getting a Tesla, I am apprehensive and will settle for a Honda/Kia.  Maybe an Audi A4.  I am targeting for my birthday.  My credit score is almost where it needs to be at this time, just need to remove a few more zeros.  I actually got my nails done and enjoyed it.  I felt great about myself.  It’s strange honestly.  I really do put others before me.  I have neglected myself and through this growth, I am handing myself the power to do me.  And at this point if folks don’t like it, they can leave.

I post about forgiving and carefully shared the reason for that.  I forgave the person that hurt me physically and emotionally two months after the incident.  My friends don’t know, only my sister.  She thought it was too early but she also stated if you are ready than you are.  I wrote on the paper “I forgive you.” to release myself from pain.  To release myself of potential bitterness.  Understand if you don’t forgive you live in misery.  I refuse to succumb to that.  That’s not even who I am.  That crazy part about it, is I forgave her but I have never forgave my ex.  And I ponder the thoughts that I was really in love with S.A. on a universal connection.  But she didn’t feel the same.  I could be wrong, I can’t speak on her thoughts of emotions.  I had to stop myself from projecting outer emotions that were false by my subconscious.  I think this is why I am so content.  Sometimes I miss her to be honest, because she is a great person, but than I remember the attack and getting bite.  Sometimes I wish we could meet and have a conversation to close the chapter but than I’d be scared.  Parts of me wants to drop the restraining order and the possible case, but then I’d failed everyone including myself.  I mean having this on your record isn’t grand to be honest.  And when I wished her the best I meant it.  For her to have a prosperous life, even though she wished karma on me.  I think I have until November to decide.  Although what good would it do.  I drop everything and then what?!  I mean my life is going great, but I don’t want to regret it.  I’d again putting myself last and her first.  I’d be suffering while she lives her life like it never happened.  And that’s what makes me stop in my tracks for the victims.

I kind of want to write a letter to H.E.R. about her music assisting with getting me through such a crazy time in my life.  I feel like having the restraining order still keeps me trapped somehow.  I mean I’d have to testify in court about it. all over again and I think I am at a point in my life where I am happy and don’t want to go back to the dark times.  My heart still wants to be with her.  And it sucks.  After everything, it’s just that.  But I could never trust again.  The tweets of flirting changed me indefinitely.  I never had trust issues until now.  That’s how trusting and vulnerable I am in relationships and with the person I am with.  I am almost a damn fool.  Unless, she can truly apologize about all of that.  I mean I think the part that hurts is I came to her place of residence highly upset and I get attacked for my emotions, but she comes to my house upset and I welcome her in, even though I am upset.  I had no reason to put hands on her at all.  I would never put hands on someone I love.  NEVER!  I will never understand that.  But we will see what happens in the future.  I mean it’s kind of not a lot of time either, because I don’t want to carry this into 2022.  I’d feel bad if she went to jail, but also her actions are what caused her own repercussions.  I am taking back the power of her statement saying EVERYTHING was my fault, because it wasn’t.  I had the right to feel the way that I did.  Even the police had no issues with that, but once things become physical, they consider that violence.  But I pray one day we can have a conversation and she apologizes.  I do deserve it.  But maybe when we go back to court for charges she’ll rethink it then.  Who knows I can’t speak on someone else’s life.  But I do wish her the best.

Friday the 13th.

2019 September 19.

“Be blessed they said, as you have made it to another day.”

It’s been awhile since I have blogged. I have over 50 blogs about my ex still in draft waiting to be seen by prying eyes. It’s been over three years and the healing is still current. I wrote them to track each day about what occurred secretly behind the closed doors. She was mad and attempted to make me feel guilty for “exposing” the hidden truth, the hidden truth behind the tears of my pain. My question I pose to her. Why be mad at the truth? Did you not do all those things. I even provided evidence of screenshots to support my thoughts. The only person she should be upset with is herself. And anyone who acts recklessly and becomes upset for me blogging. I DO NOT care. I don’t care as much as she didn’t care when the verbal and mental abuse was going on for years.

They say the truth sets you free. It begins the healing process of all things within. This entry will be short, as in the next few weeks while I am almost bedridden, I will begin to tell another experience that occurred just last year. My question I pose to this person is, “Why act an ass?, Why be disrespectful to someone who gave you everything?,” Humans are the most dysfunctional mammals on this planet. They lack consciousness. They lack human emotion and from a philosophers view can never fully enjoy the human experience. It doesn’t excuse the behavior at all, nor does it allow alternative explanations. Karmic energy is real. Most don’t fear it enough, although majority of the humans have yet to conquer “fear.” These subjects will be integrated as I explain what the last year has been like.

I have obtained a lawyer and I am going to process the claim Monday morning. Everything I do is in retrospect to the term “principle.” Everything I do is from the kindness of my heart. I believe in blessings and have been able to extend my blessings to those who my hearts desires. Here is a snippet of what occurred last year; further entries will contain full details and my thoughts on it. Its the full truth and nothing but the truth with my right hand up as they do in the courts. I wonder what your parents will say once they find out that at the age of twenty four, you out here playing with grown women and using them.

Snippet This was all prompted from a person who decided to act an ass when I asked a question. Furthermore, I have not spoken to this person in over a month. Last we spoke I let them know I’m no longer tolerating it. Next day they apologized, so I am confused why they have such a nasty attitude when ALL of this is their fault? That’s why I never accepted the apology, it was too quick and not thoroughly thought out. I started dating this person March of 2018 till February 2019. The whole entire time I couldn’t understand why plans were always cancelled and why I had to always drive to Riverside, which is two hours from me, in a car that was on its last lifeline. I understood the whole “busy” schedule, but are we not all busy being adults. I asked them to be my girlfriend and they declined, later it was stated it was too early, but it wasn’t too early for me doing sexual acts on them. Months go by, I patiently waited for the “make an official” to come up but it never did. Silly of me. As time goes on, I started to draw back, especially after New Years. I realized along with visually seeing it through the universe and knowing my intuition, that it wasn’t going to work. Waiting for someone to finish schooling is one thing, but me doing the most to try to make it work, is another. I ended it after Valentine’s Day, and they started being really disrespectful and basically I called it bullying. Although I mentioned and I have evidence to support it, that I would still be in their life, just not going to be doing the most. In relations I was told, “if you knew this was going to happen why stay?” My rebuttal is you should of been honest and I would have NEVER shared my life with you, period. Don’t victim shame!

I rode with them till the last flake occurred. People will take advantage of you as long as you let them. I guess it made them upset, because I am falling back due to their lack in partnership. The interesting thing is, they knew the reasoning to why I had to step away but proceeded to play the victim. It doesn’t make sense. The fact that I paid for every time we ate out. Or putting gas in my truck to come see them. Or sending you flowers and buying them things. Even giving them things I wanted and ordered for myself, because I THOUGHT they’d be an appreciative person. Energy vampires. Users come to mind quickly. I got used. At the end, the truth is we were just f-ck buddies or friends with benefits, except they were reaping all the benefits out of me. Lying is one hell of a drug. No one wants the cure of honesty. Could have been honest, and said you didn’t want a relationship and allowed me to have a CHOICE on whether I wanted to date you. I had others that honestly would have created a relationship with me, but I wanted you based on what I was told which was lies. “Very mature for my age.” The worse lie of them all. At the end of all this they decided to be a complete ass. Now everyone will know the truth. They can sit right next to my abusive ex, because the two of them could conquer the world. 

Never bitter or upset or doing things out of spite. I am a human with emotions. But I am a writer at heart. Eventually I will sell this story either to BET, Netflix to producer a movie. It’s important that we share hidden stories within the LGBTQ community that we all can relate to.

Unapologetic She Said...

2019 September 18.

This blog is a venting session.  I am confused why people who treat others badly become upset.  I am almost amused and entertained by the emotions that exudes from a human being.  I’m never upset about the truth, whether it’s the truth about my actions, character or even my energy.  I treat the truth from others as a form of elevation and a moment to reflect.  

I am sure I am not the only person who has been played by this person.  They state they were cheated on, but my intuition thinks that was a deflection.  The way you can tell who a person truly is, is the cliche of pissing them off.  I’ve been upset, disappointed and mad throughout this who situation.  And the person continued to manipulate my emotions.  I still gave that person respect and valued them as a human being.  But they were toxic and they knew this.  We ALL have toxic traits but it doesn’t excuse the behavior.  They knew they were toxic from the start but masked it the entire time.  Imagine this for a second, imagine being told promises that were never fulfilled or fantasies that never truly fit the mold and you stuck around waiting for a change.

That was my mistake sticking around.  But the manipulation, would be “I thought about things...I’m going to change...” weeks go by, continues to still be the same.  “I feel like I have nobody, blah blah blah...”  days go by, I still be there for the person.  Her statement. “I feel bad for dragging you along, but things will become better at the end....”  Still stick around and decide lets be friends.  Then comes with a statement of, “now you can go hoe around...” which was geared towards me.  “You think I am such a terrible person...” Lets the person know that statement is invalid and never came across my mind.  These statements are manipulative in various forms.  They are very narcissistic, similar to my ex.  One minute they feel bad, because they realized they hurt you and the next they turn into a nonchalant individual.  I was getting that throughout the whole year.  

It’s an unfortunate scenario to go through, but I am very well prepared.  If you were truly APOLOGETIC then case closed.  But every sorry was an excuse.  Just wanted to continue using me for the benefits.  And after New Years I realized this must come to an end.  It was a hard decision, because the person had potential but in actuality, they hindered their own potential.  They weren’t willing to change or make an effort.  I can’t be the only one, doing the most regardless of you being in school.  You wanted to be married, but is too young to even understand the concept of what it takes to be in a relationship.  You are pilot and pilots struggle to have a family, because there isn’t any stability in that.  And the fact that I was willing to wait was one thing, but literally this person became a complete jerk and that is where I walked away.  And till this day, they think they did nothing wrong.  And granted I am entirely happy that you are being successful in life.  But I am fearful for what the universe has in store for you.  Me filing a small claim isn’t going to be karma.  But I told you the strength of speaking into the universe and what it can do.

It makes me think about all the times you “claimed” you were crying, because you felt entirely bad for what you were doing to me.  This is another behavior that comes in the form of narcissism and emotional abuse.  I honestly thought they changed when I hit them up to ask if they moved on.  But the being a complete ass, made me realize they hadn’t.  They were taken their anger out on me once again.  This person claimed they was focusing on themselves and couldn’t date till the fall, basically bating me into another trap.  Fortunately, I didn’t fall for it, but simply waited from a distance.  And again it was all lies.  They were saying things to get me to stick around, but I honestly had enough.  Like I told them one day, it will rupture within you to all the things you have done to me.  One day you’ll wake up, like your ex did and if you are mature by then, have the ability to pick up the phone and apologize from the heart and not the mind.  If you don’t, then that guilt will be carried with you forever.  And when you attempt to interact with others and you wonder why things aren’t going the way you like, then you’ll realize what the universe is doing and you will realize that God watches everything.