ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who  has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

When Steph and Cass get married they don’t take the last name Brown (Daddy Issues™️) or Cain (Daddy Issues Prime™️) or even Wayne (Steph absolutely REFUSES to become a Wayne nosirree), but a secret fourth thing (Gordan).

For all the foreground of s2 is a bizarre triple-pairing romcom, there’s such a shadow of looming disaster over them all. The threat of Heaven and Hell shows up with Gabriel and whatever has reduced him to this helpless, hapless creature. Bizarrely charming as Jim was to me, I never thought I would be so unnerved by the absence of his smarminess. It really appears they declawed him.

And then when we find out he did it to himself instead (barely in time), it’s hardly comforting — not with Heaven and Hell springing up around his haven, making clear they’re only ever a thought away. Even his glad escape with his demon at the end is made amid the warning that they will find him, and when they do, his fragile little happiness is over. He only has a choice for a day.

After s1 ended with the promise that “the Big One” was still to come — “all of us against all of them” — it could hardly have been otherwise. Heaven and Hell weren’t defeated, only temporarily put off. But the revelation of Metatron as the manager and apparent mastermind of The Big One has really brought the threat into focus. Aziraphale and Crowley have no time. He isn’t willing to let them stop him again. He wants this finished, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes, including speaking for God and hijacking Heaven’s entire hierarchy. Hell’s already pledged Crowley their retaliation; had Metatron not interrupted Heaven’s warning, Aziraphale would have been left with the same sort of problem. That’s as much as I expected, and it would have been bad enough.

But this is worse: now Metatron has the angel. And now that Aziraphale is well away from everyone who knows and loves him, the threat has gotten so much sharper. If they can’t unmake his loyalties, they can unmake his mind. And there will be no one left to tell him that this isn’t who he is, or was. He could be another Jim (or Muriel, if the theory that their mind was unmade too is right). He could be banished to a silent room for a 39th scrivener — or he could find his way back to Earth. All I can hope is that if he loses himself, he’ll make it to the bookshop. There’s still an angel there who loves the world, or is beginning to; and a street full of people who remember who he is, their guardian and Crowley’s angel.

If I had a nickel for every time Jeremy Jordan played a tragic character that started wanting to change society for the better and tried to be revolutionist, but fell too far,

Had a villain arc derived from their oppression, ended up making deals with bad people to solve their problems creating more damage they were against in the past, lost their mental health in the process,

And it was a musical-

I would have 3 nickles. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened 3 times.

currently thinking about the moment, after the denouement of the circle of needle & thread as it had been, nathaniel returns home. he goes to a well-adorned box retrieved from the abandoned offices once haunted by draven kingsley, removes his officer’s revolver from its holster, and as his shoulders loosen and his jaw unclenches, he breathes

Actually love that they called the parallel universe Pete's World :) they could've named it after something related to how it differentiates from their universe. Something related to Lumic or Cybus industries, but no, they named it Pete's World, something that is only relevant to Rose and the Doctor by extension. What separates this universe from their one? The fact that cybermen started on earth by an ailing inventor rather than mondas? No. It's the fact that Rose Tyler's father lived in this one without any world ending paradoxes :) that's what the Doctor decided was relevant to differentiate them :)

mdni. trans!scara x gn!reader. modern au. comfort/fluff with a little bit of something else at the end. 568 words.

“hey, you’ve got that look on your face again,” he says, peeking over the top of his computer. the room is quiet and dark, and you’re both sitting on opposite sides of the bed, legs tangled under the blankets. the glow of your screens illuminate your faces.

you frown. “i’m just thinking,” you murmur and he scratches his toenails against your leg. “gross,” you blurt, kicking him. he kicks back harder. 

“you’re thinking too hard. makes you look ugly,” he says, closing his laptop and setting it aside on the nightstand. he crawls over, slotting his body against your side and laying his head atop your shoulder. “need to talk?” he asks. 

you hum, eyes cast to the ceiling. he tugs on your sleeve till you reveal a hand to slide his into. he plays with it. “just sad.” the words are quiet, tired. 

“have you showered?” he asks, pressing a kiss to your neck. 

“no,” you say, “but i don’t want to get up.” 

“take a shower, it’ll make you feel better,” his tone is sharp. he pulls away. 

whining like a petulant kid, your hand clamps around his wrist and drags him back, “nooo, don’t leave meeee. you’re healing.” 

“listen,” he says, snatching himself out of your grip. “if you shower, i’ll watch a movie with you and scratch your head for a little while. i won’t even complain. not even once.” 

“woah,” you say, in awe. “anything else?” 

“more?” he asks, “you’re gonna be ungrateful? i’m giving you the world, here.” 

“no! not ungrateful,” you say, hands sliding up his bare thighs and up into his boxers. his breath hitches and he sits up a little at the touch. “i just… think i know what’ll make me feel better.” 

“you’re perverted,” he spits, but he’s the one spreading his legs when you tap the soft skin of his thighs. “s-shower,” he tries to remind you and himself when you snap the band of his boxers against his hips. “the shower,” he squeaks when your hand palms his clit through the fabric. 

“come with me?” you ask, coating your plea with sugar as if he’s even entertaining saying no with his eyes half-closed in lust like that. he’s obsessed with your blind adoration. “please?” you stretch the syllables far until he sighs a sweet yes, grinding his hips into your hand. “yay!” you cheer, taking away your touch just to hear the uncontrollable whine that crawls up his throat. 

his cheeks burn red and he curses under his breath. “you think you’re funny, don’t you?” he asks, closing his legs to rub his thighs together. 

“i do,” you purr, “now you go first so i can watch you from behind.” he slaps your arm, biting his lip to hide his smirk, but shimmies off the bed anyway and tries not to shiver at the feeling of yours eyes tracing the shape of his body –– he knows you’re thinking… devising plans on what exactly you’ll do to him.

you’re mumbling to yourself like a madman, and he catches a few words like “the showerhead first.” he doesn’t have time to think much on it before your hands find the small of his back and push him through the door with the sound of your sweet voice asking to give you the privilege of undressing him. you’re an eager puppy… his eager puppy. 

it's just. he's alive now but what for? now that he's back what does he keep himself alive for? one thing, one goal, but you don't see him stop and wonder if he's happy with being back in the first place, if he wants to, if he wants to keep going beyond his revenge and build something for himself. he just wants to confront bruce, to show him what he's done, what he has become and he'll be from now, a better batman, a better man than what he sees in bruce now. he's so caught up in this that he doesn't stop and wonder about life beyond this goal. everything he does in utrh, especially near the end, shows this single-minded focus on his plan, on bruce and their confrontation, and no indication of a goal further than that, of a life beyond it. the bomb in his helmet, the lack or attempt at building a life for himself, connections and a network to fall back on after, the extreme stunts and actions he goes to, play cat and mouse with dangerous individuals with a seeming lack of care, the fail-safe of the final confrontation being either bruce kills him or he kills them all and bring the building down. he never even envisioned that his life would go on beyond this culmination, and i'd kill to see what his struggles looked like right after this, when he found himself alive once more and with nothing else to live for, now that the bridge between him and bruce had been burned and left to ruins with no way back, no reconciliation possible. what did it look like when he had to sit down and wonder if he even wants to be here now, if he wants to live any more than he already did, if it would even be worth it, if he could make something out of it because his utilitarian mindset would never allow him to live just for the sake of living, his existence must be justified, especially now that he's here despite what his fate meant for him and his end

Thinking about how Jey tried his damnedest to keep himself and TBL together.

☎️🎲 🤼‍♂️ ✈️🚪 ➡️ 🫀🎮⌛️

I've Been Losing You by a-ha

previous ⏪︎ now playing ⏩ next back to playlist

any time toshinori has to sit down and do his own paperwork:

Gabriele's tattoo represents different aspects of his story and his personality.

The central piece of the tattoo is the reproduction of the famous sculpture in front of the Vatican, The Archangel Michael by Peter Anton von Verschaffelt.

For Gabriele he's both Michael and the Demon defeated. Michael is the virtuous hero capable of defending those who need. He's brave and dedicated, and would sacrifice himself for the sake of God and the peace of the nation. The Demon, on his side, is what he's hiding to the rest of the world and himself; his true identity, morphed and changed through the violence of his actions and his true desires. The tattoo shows Gabriel's inner fight, his will to protect and yet his profound twisted nature pushing him to become a demon.

Unlike the rest of the member of the mafia family he had infiltrated would do, He didn't quote the bible in any part of his back as he didn't wish to have an actual relation with God or the family itself, but with himself, while being accepted as one of them. He picked one sentence from the famous play Lorenzaccio by Alfred de Musset. The character of Lorenzaccio echoes with Gabriele's feelings. Misjudged for his depravity, he was casted away and blamed for all the sorrow of the Medici family, becoming both the antagonist and hero of this play.

“You’re like a lighthouse shining beside the sea of humanity, motionless: all you can see is your own reflection in the water. You’re alone, so you think it’s a vast, magnificent panorama. You haven’t sounded the depths. You simply believe in the beauty of God’s creation. But I have spent all this time in the water, diving deep into the howling ocean of life, deeper than anyone. While you were admiring the surface, I saw the shipwrecks, the drowned bodies, the monsters of the deep.”

the cinematographer filming shin hakyun in beyond evil: POV you're daydreaming about your crush

the cinematographer filming yeo jingoo in beyond evil: POV you're railing him

a thing i have JUST realized, isn't the human brain amazing lol -- is that we talk about izzy's thoughts and feelings on ed, on blackbeard, about how he serves one but not the other, etc, etc, and how it means he never loved or even respected the True Man Underneath It All but rather the bloodthirsty legend of a pirate--

e x c e p t izzy is not the first person who makes the distinction between edward and blackbeard. it's ed himself, when he says "actually, i want to be called edward from now on".

before, when he was with stede, it didn't bother him at all that the crew called him blackbeard. that was his name! he was blackbeard, what else would they call him. only stede and izzy got to "ed" or "edward" him, because they were closer -- stede was his first close friend, izzy was his friend and first mate for decades. (note that fang was with ed the longest, but he doesn't call him by his name! you gotta deserve it.)

izzy doesn't do anything inappropriate or out of proportion when he snaps at the crew to call him blackbeard or captain -- that's who ed is, is supposed to be, to them. they're not friends! they even call stede captain, and have you seen that guy?

it's ed that makes the connection between his current state: draped in fuchsia robes, singing sad songs about how sad he is, showing his vulnerable and emotional state in front of people who are supposed to respect and trust his authority. and by that he splendidly loses that authority, to the point that wee john calls him ed, and when izzy snaps at him for disrespecting his captain, ed goes no, actually, yknow what, do call me edward! and then he goes on to encourage the crew to sing as well and hey, actually, why are we being pirates! we should do a talent show!

the distinction is clear here. before all that, in izzy's eyes, his boss was blackbeard, captain, ed/edward -- different names for different occasions, but one and the same guy. but now? this guy singing songs in a pink bathrobe doesn't want to be called blackbeard, he's edward! ed time now! we're going to eat marmalade and express our feelings in front of everyone! and hold talent shows! Ya Hoo !

yeah, it's no wonder izzy doesn't want that. he wants his competent captain back, and this current dude, edward? he's not him. so, uh,

you're on your own, kid marauder characters:

regulus black

emmeline vance

remus lupin

mary macdonald

peter pettigrew

Doing legacy, night terrors, and dissent all right in a fucking row really is the anders nightmare train huh