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[TRANS] WayV’s interview with ELLE Korea May 2020 issue!

— Kun

A suffering leader, everyone's Kun —  With a meticulous personality. The pros and cons would be: I think I am the leader thanks to my sense of responsibility and delicacy. [But] when there is too much to take care of, it is a bit cumbersome. There’s no member who gives me a hard time because they all pick on me one by one (laughs). If I had to introduce my hometown, Fujian Province, it's a quiet city with clean air and few people. Many people come to visit because the mountains and the lakes are beautiful. When I think about nature, I start missing my hometown. At school, I was the head of the student council's entertainment department. I might look like a serious person since the members are so active and mischievous, but I'm also a fun person. Times when I feel like we’re one team are when you know what the others are thinking just by the look in their eyes and, when we dance and the movements are 'synchronised'. WayV to me is the comfort of being able to share everything with each other. All the members worry a lot about music so a lot of ideas come out every time we hear new music. It is certainly an advantage that all seven have a lot of desire. I have a bright young voice, but my desire as a vocalist is to have a thicker and more mature voice these days. Wouldn't it suit dance songs that match our [team's] style more than ballads. I graduated in Practical Music. If there is a song I want to arrange: I'm still trying to look for my style while listening to various songs. I want to challenge not only the arrangement but also the composition. I am a good cook. The dishes I recently made for the members are the dishes that I learned from the main chef of the company while I practiced them [on the members]. The menu with the biggest reaction recently was DongPo Pork. When I can't sleep, I deliberately watch low-rated movies and these days, I watch a four-hour-long landscape video shot from a train driver's perspective. It makes me fall asleep really fast (laughs). The most memorable stage after debuting was as expected, MAMA 2019. When I was giving the award speech, my hand that was holding the microphone was shaking and it was all captured [on camera]. What I want to say to myself in hard times is to be confident! The moment you lose your confidence, everything becomes more difficult. The mindset I don't want to lose is to be grateful. Everything I do right now is impossible to do by myself. This is the most important. To Winwin: who has known me the longest among the members! I hope you always take on challenges with courage because I will always be there beside you to support you. Also, all the members know that you are cute.  

— Lucas

Healthy energy, hot Lucas — Between a boy and a man, I feel closer to 100% boy! I don't think I feel mature enough. [Maybe I’m just like] a baby who wants to be a man (laughs). The most impressive man to me is a responsible person. And also, a man who gives everything to his loved ones. Having an attractive rapping sound because of a low and husky voice. My desire to sing is big! I want to sing a sad song. I've heard from people around me that a calm song suits my voice. Like the calm songs of Paul Kim I normally listen to too. My favorite song is "Take Off, The killing point is the dance break, with the powerful guitar riff. Emotion is what is the most important on stage. I believe each song has its own soul, and it is important to immerse yourself. My role in the team is positive energy. Although always looking bright, surprisingly, I have a lot of thoughts. Yesterday too, I had a lot of thoughts before going to bed, so it took me a while to fall asleep. Not long ago, Kun hyung played me a song he had composed and so many ideas came up so I wrote them down and sent it to him. WayV to me is a friendship that feels really deep even though it’s been only a year since I made a debut with the people I love so much. So much that when we come back from a schedule, as we laugh and talk together, the stress will suddenly be gone. The most important thing in a team is to have sincere conversations with each other to understand each other's differences. Only then can we get along well because of the wider understanding. Having appeared in a number of familiar variety shows like the Chinese version of <Running Man> <Let's Run Season 3> I like that I can go to various places the most. It's also a special opportunity to meet people with other jobs and not only artists. I think I'm often called/casted [for these shows] because of my sincere youthful reactions. The mindset I don't want to lose is the promise I made when I debuted to be a good influence on people. That's what I always keep in mind. I want to be a person who always gives positive influence to people, family, and fans around me. To Yangyang: who I know is really smart, you're still a cute little brother to me (laughs)

— Winwin A quiet presence, Winwin — In the reality show <Dream Plan>, mingling well with the elders in the village was impressive. Special trick behind it was thanking them for looking out for me! Since they were all kind natured, I guess treating them with sincerity looked good. When Lucas and I visited their home, we got served a meal and received a warm welcome. A performance video of Ten and I has been released. As a dancer, Ten is a member whose strength is being versatile. He helps the members at dance practices a lot. I’ve learned dancing in a special dance school. At the time I was the shortest and least talkative kid until I grew taller in high school. I’ve spent most of the time practicing alone. Chinese dance is similar to modern dance mixed with ballet. Learning the choreography is fast and it’s an advantage to be skillful in tumbling. I would like to properly showcase a modern dance at a concert someday. When I’m on the stage what I care about the most is my gestures and facial expression. During ‘Take Off’ promotions, the gestures and facial expressions I did during my part varied from stage to stage. I hear that I’m ‘pure’ a lot. A new charm that I want to have: our fans call me ‘Baby Chick’. I want to showcase more of an ‘eagle’ image, so I cut my hair short. Isn’t it similar to Park Saeroy (laugh). Something that makes me angry, although I normally have a good temper is being unsatisfied with stage performance to the point I can’t sleep on that day. But it’s okay to just take a nap. I just need to do better. The most memorable moment in WayV promotions was receiving the Best New Asian Artist Award at the MAMAs, it was the first time we’ve gotten an award together so I was very happy. The reason why I went to Beijing on my own as a middle school student seems to be fate. I passed my exams without much determination, left my hometown and went to school in Beijing where I was noticed and then debuted. Coincidence became fate. To me WayV is a path that we’re talking together, a team with a lot of growth potential. I’d like it if the younger members came to me whenever they need someone. I feel our fans love and support the most when: I’m always amazed and grateful for our fans hearts. All of the people who always look out for us even when we’re not promoting any albums and who support us are an immense source of strength. Success to me is when more people get to know us and we get to perform in many different countries. I want to think about my personal success after my team’s success. To Kun: when members want advice, we reach out to Kun first before our families. He knows a lot, can do a lot, and is a person we can depend on.  

 — Ten

Ten who is curious about what's next rather than what’s now — The secret to adapting well everywhere is attending an international school. I had friends of various nationalities and I also traveled a lot. Wherever I went, I went to see the common [places] first. Learning an unfamiliar culture is fun. I’m learning Thai, English, Korean, Japanese and now working hard at learning Chinese. I memorize expressions that I can use while watching Chinese variety shows and dramas. Although it's still difficult to read the buzzwords and hanja. The most important thing as a performer, and what makes you an outstanding dancer, is to have your own style while not being trapped by masculinity and femininity. I am different now from a few years ago and I'm trying to challenge myself by being flexible in various aspects. What I've learned since debut is, in the case of WayV, that when you work with various genres the main concern is the vocal style and with SuperM, I learned about the importance of performance through the activities [we did]. 'It's important to dance well, but you must also have your own [style]', 'think about what you want to express in front of the camera, but you must be faithful to your feelings on every stage in order to develop [yourself]' is the advice I received from the Hyungs (Baekhyun, Kai, Taemin). For the dance video that I did together with Winwin, the concept, music, settings, and outfits were all decided by us together without the company's advice. I came to realize the difficulties of being a staff member (laughs). I can [now] see the wider picture and more details. I like poetry too. I think poetry expresses emotions. It helps me  understand the world and the society as a person and not as an artist. The lyrics of my 2nd solo song 'New Heroes' feel like an autobiography. If 'Dream in a Dream' was all about the performance then 'New Heroes' is a song about the time spent committing [to something] and I thought anyone can sympathize with that. The [original] lyrics were so great that I asked them not to change it and to just go with it. I want to write lyrics myself someday. The kind of person I want to be is [someone who] always tries to go with the flow as I think that making plans and setting expectations can make it more difficult on yourself. I hope I could be a person who can leave a good impact on others. WayV to me is just like a family who always does everything together and takes care of each other asking ‘have you already eaten?’. Everyone has an open mind to try and accept new challenges. During the 'Moonwalk' promotion period, I was kinda surprised how well we got along. Having received recognition for my skills since debut. The times when the expectations are high are: Art and languages too are ever-evolving disciplines, so it's not easy to keep up. Nevertheless, there are self-expectations and anticipations to show a new side of myself. I will work hard (laughs). I still play Pokemon Go and I'm waiting for the June update. I will catch a lot of new Pokemon again! To Xiaojun: with whom I saw Harry Potter together yesterday! Let's make an appearance in Harry Potter when there is a reboot.

— Hendery

Flexible midfielder, Hendery — Something I’ve gotten into recently is practicing playing drums. Kun hyung is cooking a lot lately so I’ve been reviewing the food too. The other day he made kimchi jjigae so good that it even got an approval from manager hyung. My favourite track is ‘Take Off’. We filmed the music video in Ukraine and spent loads of happy times together, so I feel happier whenever I listen to it. Something I’ve improved on since debut is that recording songs takes less time. When I hear a member of staff say ‘Is this really Hendery’s voice?’ I feel proud of myself. The charm of my vocal is: I’m still looking for it, but I feel like my rap sounds nice when I spice it up with a little melody. Good at giving advice to our members. A tip to giving good advice is: it’s important to have helping and not making decisions in mind. Talk about both bad and good points about the A and B. The secret to always looking like I’m at peace is my parents always telling me ‘Your happiness is the most important. You always have a home to come back to, so work as much as you can enjoy’, thanks to them I grew up as someone with little stress or worries. Mindset that I don’t want to lose is the excitement before going on stage. I think the most important thing for an artist is their greed for performing. When I get on stage the most important is interacting with fans. The most memorable stage was our Korean debut on <Show! Champion>. I couldn’t believe we’re performing Chinese songs in Korea. I was so overwhelmed to see our fans welcoming us so enthusiastically even though they didn’t understand what we were saying. I opened an instagram account recently. My posting plan is ‘This is where I am‘ ‘I am filming today’. I want to showcase my daily self. I hope our fans can smile for a brief moment when they see the pics I had the most fun taking. To me WayV is: I feel empty when I go away to see my family for a little. Every time that happens I facetime them to relieve the sadness. Lucas is the member who picks up the most (laugh). To Lucas: No matter how busy we get, even if we become grandpas, I’ll always be by your side. It’s something I want to say to all of the members, but Lucas is a friend I'm especially attached to so I really wanted to say this. 

— Yangyang

Infinite potential, bold maknae Yangyang — I speak Chinese, German, English Korean and Spanish. Great language skills are useful when you travel. Whenever I talk with friends of various nationalities, I think it's fortunate that I can speak many languages. In our team alone, it's full [with people who speak] Chinese, Thai, English, and Korean (laughs). My role in the team is being the happy virus! Although of course, the hyungs think I'm a maknae that requires a lot of energy from them. WayV to me is a high tension team that can deliver strong and positive energy. If someone shows a slight sign of exhaustion, we immediately stick together and somehow infect each other with energy. I think that such energy is conveyed to fans on stage. If I have learned anything from living together with the members [it would be] the habit I have developed to control my greed and to care for others. I'm used to looking at the other's feelings now before doing something. My favorite song is ‘King of Hearts’, because I participated in writing the lyrics. I also love 'Love Talk' from the 2nd mini album. It is a charming song that is sweet and sexy but has a way to make your body move. My ambition as a rapper is the flow. Because I think this is the aspect that determines the impression of a song from the listener's point of view. I want to be a multi-talented person who is good at not only rapping but also dancing, singing, and writing lyrics. I've always had a lot of ambition. The attractive part of writing lyrics is that I can tell my story, since from a long time ago, I wrote lyrics little by little and it's always fun work. I want to steadily keep doing it. I like Virgil Ablo and Demna Gvasalia, and the fashion icon who caught my eye these days is Mike Amirie. I am drawn to people who have a simple yet clear style. The same goes for musicians. I like people who have a clear style like Travis Scott and A$AP Rocky. I’ve said 'I like who I am' before. Instances when I am especially like myself is when I'm confident. When I have confidence and want to show off, I can show much more than my actual skills. I use SNS to check on NBA and fashion news. I see the news on sneakers I'm looking forward to fast. Surprisingly, I don't look up anything about me [but] when a stage or performance is over I do look up the reactions. Most of them are good, so every time I read, I get energized. To Hendery: hyung, you seem to really get into gaming, but don't try too hard (laughs). 

— Xiaojun

Warm voice, Xiaojun — Something I’m into these days is practicing the songs that will be included in the next album that we are preparing for. Before debuting, I only sang my favorite ballad song, but nowadays, I want to sing songs of other genres such as R&B. I've been uploading videos of me singing on my personal Instagram. My favorite song is ‘Face to Face’. My heart warms up every time I hear it. I really like the lyrics ‘You won’t be lonely because I’ll be your strength, I won’t let you cope with your wounds alone in silence’. The keywords that describe me are kind. Friendly. Positive. I often say ‘I wish my songs were healing different people’. The way I heal myself is: my heart calms down when I look at pictures with many memories sealed in them. I take a lot of pictures of the scenery and especially when I look at the pictures of my hometown in Guangdong I feel healed. The reason behind my strong sensitivity is the big influence of my dad who’s a singer and my older brother. Ever since I was little we would often watch movies together. I graduated with a musical major. My greed for musicals is: I’ll surely do it again later. I like starring in musicals but one day I’d like to make my own. A musical piece I’d like to recommend is <Dear Evan Hansen> who won at Tony Awards and Grammys. It’s a warm story about a lonely high school boy suffering from social anxiety disorder, who is working on his trauma and healing from the pain. My way of dealing with stress is quiet time on my own. Just like positive energy, negative energy is easily spread to others, so I’d rather be alone. A memory I really want to make is a trip, I promised to go on before debuting, with the members. The destination is still undecided. The kind of team member I want to be is a silent supporter. It would be nice if I can be 'my people/dearest' to others. Something I want to do this year is to have an event for the fans. I like to surprise friends or throw surprise birthday parties. I think fans will love it if we would do a guerilla performance. I told you here so I have to throw [that idea] away and I will prepare something else (laughs). To Ten: You are one of the 'Hyung-line', and you Korean is the best so there are many times you have to lead us. Don't carry everything on your own and sometimes lean on us! The same goes for Kun hyung.

t/n: Due to the structure of this interview there might be inaccuracies as many things only made sense in Korean but sounded kinda awkward in English (more so compared to other translations we did). We tried our best to convey what they meant, but please keep this in mind when reading this interview.

Translation: Alex, Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: ELLE Korea Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

Nightclub Transforms Wuhan From Epicenter To Party Central

Zhangjiajie also has its particular evening markets waiting for you. Most travellers would choose to buy some particular local merchandise or style native speciality at Xibu Ancient Street, the preferred business street in Wulingyuan Central Area. Here you could find Miao people’s silver ornament, Tujia particular handbag and colorful scarf, stunning brocade, delicate sand painting, traditional Chinese blueprint fabric, carved bull's bone, etc. After visiting these places at day time, most of you could wish to know the way to spend the long boring night. For many people, they wish to enjoy some popular night time reveals, style native specialties at night time markets, and take photos of gorgeous nightscape. Here China Discovery offers you a listing of the highest issues you are in a place to do at evening in Zhangjiajie concerning your pursuits and budgets. This non-public day highlight tour will present you the UNESCO website in Beijing, one of many seven wonders in the world Mutianyu Great Wall. We managed a return trip on the Maglev prepare which was a marvellous way to deliver our China tour to an finish. When night time time makes up 50% of your complete holiday, don’t be caught squandering precious time on your Suzhou Tour! Whether you lengthy for the fun of Suzhou nightlife or you’re eager to place your toes up in one of the many tea houses to mingle with the locals. This travelers guide will guarantee you haven't got any wasted hours abroad. As with most nations, the most thrilling areas are often deep in the heart of urbanity—Shanghai, Beijing, Hong Kong and Macau do little to dispute this concept. Though 律師費用 has numerous bars and clubs for guests , it is among the few places within the nation the place enjoyable comes at a worth. Sure, it's not like Tokyo or London, however compared to the relaxation of China it may possibly surprisingly costly. Nightlife in Hong Kong reflects the area's past as a former trade submit - most of the bars are British or Irish themed, with corresponding live music and bar meals. There can also be a large number of dance clubs here, spinning every thing from reggae to accommodate to Chinese pop. Nightlife in Hong Kong is unfold evenly throughout three areas in Kowloon —you'll discover the top nightclubs and costly cocktail bars in Tsim Sha Tsui, most of the pubs on Ashley Road, and the remaining on Prat and Chatham Roads. Culture And Souvenir Shopping How Do Chinese Language Cultural Values Play A Job In Outbound Chinese Vacationers' Souvenir Shopping? That is the highlight specific to West Lake silk umbrellas, which other umbrellas can't evaluate with. Particularly notable are the Jincheng Babao Melon-skin Carvings, the Pebble Carvings, and the Tao Inkstones. 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But the modifications the authorities want to pursue is in all probability not straightforward in today’s China, the place decades-long economic opening and societal transformation have upended traditional norms and rewritten elements of the unstated social contract between the rulers and the ruled. Vicki Zhao, an actress and brand ambassador, appeared to have been deplatformed in China’s current crackdown on celebrities. Most VitalSource eBooks are available in a reflowable EPUB format which permits you to resize textual content to suit you and permits different accessibility options. Where the content of the eBook requires a particular structure, or incorporates maths or different special characters, the eBook shall be obtainable in PDF format, which cannot be reflowed. Get lesson suggestions suited in your stage, observe your progress and retailer your favourite classes and series all in one handy place. Our group of Chinese language specialists have been releasing new audio and video lessons weekly. All lessons are free for the primary 2 weeks before going into our Basic and Premium Archive. 安養中心 are FREE for the primary three weeks before going into our Basic and Premium Archive. A good good friend of mine lately moved from Shen Zhen to America and has advised me that some of this music is outdated. Don't get me wrong, the lessons are great, but I'd like to get a more present thought of Chinese tradition since this was recorded in 2009 and it's now 2017. Chinese have lengthy romanticized the label, tending to view all intellectual heavyweights — not simply the influential Xu Zhiyuan varieties, however professors, journalists, and writers — as aesthetes, somewhat than people with households and jobs. The Tang Dynasty’s designs had been the premise of Japanese architectural aesthetics, and components of Confucian teachings turned core tenets of the Korean social order. [newline]China anticipated tributary payments from other international locations, a lot so that officials misinterpreted the items that England’s King George III fatefully presented to open up trade as homages to the Yellow Emperor. More than these, the museum-style occasion additionally introduced together respected sneaker collectors and customizers for exclusive sale of new launches and co-branded merchandises. Whats Onsen Ryokan This beautiful hotel contains a scorching spring tub that is excellent for winding down after a long day of sightseeing. Plan a stay at this exceptional lodge during the fall or winter months to benefit from the attractive views of autumn leaves and gently falling snow while bathing within the hot spring. The spring water comes from rain and melting snow, which seeps via cracks within the sedimentary rocks where it mingles with gasses coming from cooling volcanic rocks. The mineralized spring waters then rise to the floor alongside a bigger crack or fissure. As the baths are shared, it is courteous to clean off before you get in. At Japanese bath homes, there's usually a line of showers with small stools to sit on where you'll be able to have a great scrub earlier than a soothing bathtub. Among the resort's most popular baths are the massive riverside rotemburo of Takaragawa Onsen and the traditonal, wooden indoor baths of secluded Hoshi Onsen. Being a conventional bath, there was no way to control the water’s temperature. It was scalding and I had my first true experience as human soup. Most hotels present bathing amenities and concentrate on trout cuisines. Trout is a freshwater fish that is know to be very specific about its “living arrangements”, requiring exceptionally clear water with a really particular temperature range. The river water right here meets these conditions, so the world has turn out to be known for its fresh and tender trout cuisines. The 10 Finest China Occasions Since then each June 25, National Land Day shall be celebrated aimed at defending the land sources. Each year a theme is chosen to advertise the safety of the land in China. Available farmland in China decreases every year as extra land is taken for development. China is the most important watermelon producers, 40% of the whole watermelon manufacturing on the earth. Daxing, a district in the southern Beijing is well known for its watermelon development and manufacturing. Each year, the native Daxing goverment will maintain a watermelon festival to advertise watermelon financial system and tradition. Many domestic and oversea visitors will attend the special festival. Remember that in Mainland China, Chinese holidays are virtually unaffected by weekends. If the precise date of a given vacation falls on a Saturday or Sunday, the federal government lengthen the holiday into the next week. The park will launch quite lots of Christmas activities in early December. The large-scale "Christmas light show" is artistic and splendid, just like coming into a Christmas dream. All in all, everybody can have a very fascinating Christmas right here. Shanghai - There are plenty of activities that might be held throughout Christmas in Shanghai. Shopping malls offer massive reductions throughout these instances and are adorned with a festive atmosphere. The finest place to enjoy the environment of Christmas must be Shanghai Disneyland, the place the cartoon characters are wearing costumes for the event and there are also varied good performances. Buddhist Shrines Hidden In Chinatowns Outlets We came to love these vibrant entrances that you simply discover scattered everywhere in the metropolis at even the smallest shrines. And no matter you do or do not do whenever you go to a shrine or a temple, be positive to take advantage of your go to to Japan by visiting as lots of them as your time there permits. Each and each one is imbued with the deepest components of Japan's historical past and is steeped in the very essence of the Japanese folks. And no matter what your spiritual persuasion happens to be, a go to to a Shinto shrine or a Buddhist temple is at all times a balm for the soul. Kasuga Shrine - One of Japan's most famous Shinto shrines, positioned on a hilltop within the historic metropolis of Nara, simply exterior Kyoto. Tame deer meander alongside the wooded path leading as a lot as the shrine, which is lined with 10,000 stone lanterns. The two “oldest” San Francisco temples, the Kong Chow temple on Stockton Street or the Tin How temple on Waverly Place, do not possess objects that show their age. In addition, the temple culture also left a long-lasting impression on the lives of Chinese individuals as it is being continually used as a topic on sculptures, paintings, and structure. Much much less splendid in look, the item is a small flag rack from the left end of the long altar in front of the three major shrines of the temple. Our finest guess is that it was the Hip Sings', earlier than transferring to Main Street. The affiliation moved once more after that and is now positioned on eighth Avenue close to the nook of King Street. Bob Fisher of the Wing Luke Museum tells us that a variety of years ago the shrine space of the Hip Sing constructing was burned and a few surviving fragments donated to the Museum. We don't but know is any of those fragments resemble the altar furnishings within the 1902 drawing. Bearing a cast-on inscription dedicating it to a Suijing Bo Temple in 1888, the bell reveals that such a temple did exist in or close to Portland in the nineteenth century. 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The Chinese do in fact toast one another rather more than within the West – usually every time they drink. Your glass shall be quickly refilled to the highest after you drain it, in preparation for the subsequent toast . It is sweet kind to fill your neighbours’ tea cups or beer glasses when they are empty. To serve your self tea or some other drink with out serving others first is unhealthy type; appreciation to the pourer is indicated by gently tapping the middle finger on the table. Take A Virtual Trip To China From Home Visit your child’s orphanage, meet caregivers and foster households, return to discovering sites and re-connect with other individuals and places important to your loved ones. Every time I return to China, I am amazed by what a cut price Chinese luxurious motels are. In New York, $250 will get me a room at the Residence Inn in Jersey City. Here are some fun issues for you to assume about including in your family journey to China. Take your kids to China, a nation of ancient historical past and fashionable wonders. Your household will be immersed in Chinese tradition and go to the nation's most famous sights, including the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, and the Terracotta Warriors. This tour additionally includes family-friendly activities for families to learn and experience China's treasures. But you must pay a great importance to make sure all meals are clean and nourishing. Your will get gratifying holiday right here as a outcome of people are respectful, streets are clear, facilities are trendy. The best time to visit Beijing is in April, May, September and October when the weather is neither too hot nor too chilly. Traveling in Dember is a bit difficult because the weather is chilly at the moment with an average temperature of -2°C/28°F. We maintain the time spent on driving to a minimum for leisure family holidays. Generally, the longest land switch shall be around 1.5 hours to 2 hours in our itineraries. Children underneath 12 years old can take pleasure in preferential charges on land service and discount airfare.

Hi!! Can I request a soulmate au with Winwin please 😊? You don’t have to write it if you don’t want to. Thank you so much, and I hope you’re having a wonderful day! 💜

hi love <3 i’d love to write it haha i hope you’re having a wonderful day as well <3 i didn’t know which soulmate au you’d like so i just kinda randomly chose it and i hope its okay  😊 if it’s not what you’d like, feel free to send a message or another request and i’ll re-do it  💜 💜 💜 + sorry for the wait!! i hope this does your request justice x

soulmate au prompt: Every so often you will get flashes of what your soulmate is seeing at the time, however your soulmate does not know when it happens AND You have a clock that counts down until you first talk to your soulmate.

Growing up, you’ve been told that there are only two ways that the “most important person in your whole life” will be ageing with you (until you meet them of course). The first one being the clock on your wrist; something that looks like a faded tattoo, counting down every minute. It’s considered a gift from the higher aboves when you turn the age you will meet your soulmate. The second one being your sight; every year on your birthday - even before gifted with the countdown, you get a glimpse of their day - temporarily seeing what they see. 

You’ve never been a fan of the idea of soulmates - it felt too simplistic. Someone else cannot simply complete you - right? They cannot complete you as much as people say they do, at least. It’s hard to believe someone completes you so much you get their vision temporarily or that your whole body counts down too meeting them. However, part of you only is questioning the whole idea of soulmates - this part fueled by the sight you see everyday. 

Out of everyone you knew, you got the countdown clock the latest. Your temporary visions were always the most out there or tame that you always believed them to be a dream. From seeing the adoring fans you see on stage to the empty practice room, those are the only minute visions you’ve been seeing for the last three years. 

You used to think you had no soulmate, until a few months ago on your last birthday. A faded black mark appeared on your wrist; but it was the highest number you’ve seen in your city. 

All your friends who had countdowns on their wrists seemed to meet their soulmate within a month or two; bumping into them on the street or finally saying ‘hello’ after months of walking past them on the crowded roads, just two people living through life - unaware of their importance to each other. 

“Babe,” Your co-worker Amelie chuckled as she turned away from the counter to talk to you, who was currently making another vanilla frap and caramel latte from the couple who just walked in. “You know, your time is running up. How many hours left until you meet them?” She had noticed how you went quiet after she talked about meeting her soulmate the other day.  

You refused to look at the clock that haunts your everyday. “I rather not check.” This isn’t only to avoid the painful reminder of the time you have to wait, but ever since your hatred for your own countdown existed - you started questioning if soulmate clocks and visions are beneficial. Isn’t part of dating and meeting people dating random people? 

You can’t lie and say that everyone in town waits for their soulmate. You, yourself, had dated a few people - knowing it wasn’t going to last, but hoping it would. But it didn’t feel right - it never felt like how her family described being in love. Your father always said being with your soulmate feels like you’re ‘completed’, like if you die right now - you’d be ‘satisfied’. A feeling of eternal bliss and satisfaction, her aunt said before clarifying the bliss and satisfaction comes from the reduced feeling of worries for the future. 

“You know, you’ll find them some day.” Amelie sighed, turning to make the next cup of coffee for the newest customer. “Like, you know they’re out there - look at your clock. That’d be a sudden zero or not there if they weren’t.” 

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It’s been over 9 months now since your last birthday and you’ve given up on your countdown. Endless waiting and constant checking has barely done you any good - so, three months ago, you’ve worn a series of bracelets over the cursed countdown. 

Despite your proclaimed hatred for this soulmate you’ve barely met; you can’t stop wondering what they’d be like, your dreams piecing along all the visions and facts you’ve known about him. You dreamed he had kind eyes and a loving heart, someone who’d go out of his way to love you. 

But then you’d always wake up alone. It’s not like your purpose surrounds them - but in this universe, where everyone seems to scream from the rooftops about the importance of loving your soulmate - you’re stuck. 

It doesn’t help the cafe you work at is called ‘red string cafe’. Your boss came from a certain province in China and therefore, his countdown clock was replaced with the concept of the red string of fate. He would close his eyes and see the string and where it leads. He knew he met the love of his life, and your other boss, when the string was only a meter along and led him to her. 

Additionally, ‘red string cafe’ was a nod to the fact so many couples have met in this busting coffee shop. There used to be a deal where if you had just met your soulmate in the coffee shop, then you get free coffee. But they started handing out free coffee to everyone at least once. So, now, they just have one full wall full of photos of the couples who have found their destiny in the cafe. 

You felt like that was just a way of the universe mocking you. 

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It was a late day at the cafe. Part of you regretted offering to take up Amelie’s hours as she plans her wedding, but what are friends for? 

Ian - a coworker you’ve interacted with only five times before this evening - had fallen asleep on the counter. He was committed to his soulmate Carter for the last three years after meeting at this cafe. The day after meeting him, Ian signed up to work here - believing this place is a place of destiny. But it was obvious Ian didn’t think that anymore as his head rested on the cash register, waiting for any new customers to join the few night owls who are typing away at their laptops. 

You were cleaning the dishes - not wanting to wake Ian, especially as the two of you were talking absolute nonsense prior to him falling asleep. Talking about the newest TV show coming out to giving each of the customers present background stories in hushed whispers. 

Suddenly, a chime made Ian fall to the floor - a sign of a new customer...well, customers. You laughed at Ian’s predicament - quickly helping him up from his spot sprawled over the tiled floor. 

“Hello! Welcome to the red string cafe, where we hope you find your perfect match of coffee.” Ian said the usual greeting they say to customers that look new to the store, while you cringed as you start putting seven mugs closer to the coffee machine - preparing for their order. It was a small local cafe - so regulars are the biggest customer base. New people at the store have been hard to come by, especially due to the time of year of exam finals. “How can we help you today?” They quickly ordered; 2 iced coffees, 1 hot chocolate, 3 frappuccinos, and 1 americano. “Feel free to take a seat and we’ll bring the drinks to you.”

As soon as the boys took a seat at the booth in the far corner, Ian turned around and joined you in making the drinks. “I bet you they’re jetlagged and they’re...” Ian started thinking of a fun job, “international secret spies sent to the cafe to spy on the patrons as one person here has the secret to fixing the world.” 

You rolled your eyes, continuing to make one of the drinks. “I bet you they were sent from the future to come and tell a patron here of their destiny, because right now, they’re writing a proposal on how coffee can save the world.” 

“Nah, I like mine better.” Ian jokingly shrugged, putting down the drinks on the tray. “You bring it to them please, I think permanently injured my knee.” 

You, again, rolled your eyes and groaned. “You big baby.” 

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Kind eyes. Loving heart. 

I guess your dreams have come true. 

A year since that encounter, you’ve moved homes and your whole life changed. 

The timid boy who ordered an iced coffee and accidentally bumped into you on his way to the bathroom, almost spilling the tray before he helped stabilise it, had been your soulmate. 

They were right. When you look into the eyes of your soulmate and when you’re together, any future preoccupations are gone. It feels like you’re completed; a puzzle that took years to finish, but finished nevertheless. 

The visions from your birthday were right; you saw the thousands of adoring fans cheer in front of your soulmate, begging for an encore after encore after encore. But the night was over and they’re out of songs. 

As soon as the group ran backstage, Winwin tackled you into a hug - spinning you around. You ignored the feeling of sweat that accumulated from the performance; a feeling of warmth and love spread from the inside of your body.  

“Let’s go home.” He smiled, whispering in your ear, still hugging you tightly. It was the last day of the WayV tour and they finished back where they started; home. “I cannot wait to spend all night with you.” He smiled sweetly. 

“Over iced coffee?” You teased, pinching his cheek. 

“I’ll make it this time.” He smiled.

Yes, the wait was long and tedious. Yes, the wait made you feel as if you never had a soulmate to begin with. 

But it was so worth it. Because you’ve never felt as loved and at home and at peace as you did with Sicheng. 

Dust, Volume 6, Number 10

The Slugs 

September seemed to be the month when all the records on endless delay finally got kicked out the door, COVID or no, ready or not here we come. We’re deluged with music, some recorded before the world changed, some clearly cooked up mid-pandemic. There are a lot of covers EPs, lots of solo material, lots of home-made lo-fi, lots of benefit comps, and who are we to complain? Better, instead, to reach for the headphones, load up the hard drive, pile on the LPs and do some listening. Here’s some of the stuff that caught our attention, as usual ranging all over the continuum, from traditional to edgy and experimental, from silly pop punk to enraged death metal to bookish electro-acoustic improvisation. Contributors this time out included Jonathan Shaw, Patrick Masterson, Jennifer Kelly, Bill Meyer, Derek Taylor, Ray Garraty, Tim Clarke and Andrew Forell. Happy fall.

Amputation — Slaughtered in the Arms of God (Nuclear War Now!)

Slaughtered in the Arms of God by Amputation

Given the degree of smugness that accompanies utterances of the phrase “Old School Death Metal,” it’s frequently instructive to listen to some. Right on time, the misanthropic bunch at Nuclear War Now! has delivered some seriously Old School sounds to our digital doorstep. This new compilation LP gathers both of the demos of Norwegian knuckle-draggers Amputation, along with a contemporaneous rehearsal recording. Likely the resulting record will be of principal interest to fans of Immortal, the long-running, on-again-off-again Norwegian black metal band that Amputation would morph into in 1991. The songs collected on Slaughtered in the Arms of God have some additional musicological significance, as they document the sounds of 1989 and 1990, transformational years in Norway’s metal scene. Mayhem and Darkthrone tend to get most of the attention, for reasons both good and bad; and like Darkthrone, Amputation made death metal before transitioning to blacker, more brittle sounds. The music on Slaughtered in the Arms of God is muddy, thudding and thick. Perhaps that’s the result of the primitive recording tech the band used, likely of necessity. But through the murk (and to some degree because of it), you can hear the influence of Stockholm’s fecund death metal scene, especially Dismember’s earliest stuff. Scandinavia’s metal currents run deep and dark. Whether that means that Old School Death Metal is intrinsically a good thing is a different matter.

Jonathan Shaw

 Anz — Loose in Twos (NRG) 12” (Hessle Audio)

Loos In Twos (NRG) by Anz

I love the idea of listening to DJ mixes of original or all-new material; it’s probably why I still value, say, Ricardo Villalobos’ Fabric 36 so much. Manchester’s Anna Marie-Odubote, aka Anz, has been doing just such a thing annually since 2015 and really went wild with spring/summer dubs 2020, which compiled 74 tracks into nearly an hour and a half of new music. That would’ve been more than enough amid all of this (imagine me gesturing around vaguely), but “Loos in Twos (NRG)” on the venerable Hessle Audio imprint is an equally formidable, decidedly tighter release I played a lot at the start of September. Three club-ready tracks here break down acid, jungle and footwork, and while all three are heady breaks, the looped vocals and bongo of “Stepper” make it the one for me. Get those feet moving digitally now so they’re comfortable once the vinyl arrives in early October.

Patrick Masterson

 Ashes and Afterglow — Everybody Wants a Revolution (Postlude Paradox)

Ashes and Afterglow drops pop punk melodies into deep buckets of fuzz, lets them bubble and bob to the surface before shoving them under again. The band is mainly the output of one Luke Daniel, who appears to have been in other band called Sea of Orchids, but neither outfit has left much of an internet trail. And sure, this is the kind of thing that could easily get shuffled under; it breaks no moulds. And yet shuffling “To Take a Look at the World,” has a heart-worn resonance, Daniel’s voice echoing in reverbed hollow-ness against surging tides of guitar noise. “My Yesterday Girl” churns a little harder, with a bright, pop-leaning sort of hopefulness hedged in by seething feedback. It’s not bad, but it never hits a melodic vein the way that similarly inclined artists like Ted Leo or Ovlov or Tony Molina do, and it never pushes the noise over the top, either. Neither pop nor punk but somewhere in middle.

Jennifer Kelly

 Ballister — Znachki Stilyag (Aerophonic)

Znachki Stilyag by Ballister

A cake is still a cake, whether you put chocolate frosting and strawberries or white icing and a fondant roses on top. And while they don’t all taste or look exactly the same, a Ballister album is still a Ballister album, and the first Ballister album in three years does not mess with the recipe. Dave Rempis (alto and tenor saxophones), Fred Lonberg-Holm (cello and electronics), and Paal Nilssen-Love (drums and percussion) still trade in a particularly hard-hitting form of total improvisation. The changes are ones of emphasis — Lonberg-Holm sounds like he’s using a wah-wah pedal and deploys some especially slashing feedback tones, there’s a bit more space in Nilssen-Love’s intricate beat configurations, and Rempis left his baritone sax at home — and of location. Znachki Stilyag was recorded during the fall of 2019 in Moscow, Russia, which may explain why the big horn stayed at home. But the ones you hear still cut and thrust with broadsword force and rapier precision. This is a cake you can trust.

Bill Meyer  

 Vincent Chancey — The Spell: The Vincent Chancey Trio Live, 1987 (No Business) 

Vincent Chancey likely isn’t alone amongst his peers in feeling exasperated by folks singling out his instrument as uncommon or unusual to jazz. It’s a form of damning through faint praise and one that feel

s even more lackadaisical with any time spent with his music. Chancey plays the French horn and he’s plied it in settings as diverse as Sun Ra Arkestra, Lester Bowie’s Brass Fantasy and Charlie Haden’s Liberation Music Orchestra as well as gigs supporting Aretha Franklin and Elvis Costello. It’s unclear whether the trio documented on The Spell was a working concern, but that hardly matters given how well bassist Wilbur Morris and percussionist Warren Smith gel with their convener. Spread across two sides of an LP, the concert recorded at a New York City art gallery covers four pieces, two by Morris bookending one apiece from Smith and the leader that stitch together very much like cohesive suite. An unadvertised surprise comes with Smith’s ample application of marimba alongside a regular drum kit. Recording quality isn’t optimal, but Chancey’s rich, rounded, phrases gain extra gravitas through the sometimes-grainy acoustics. Woefully underrepresented in the driver’s seat discographically, his acumen as both improviser and composer is easily vindicated by this limited edition (300 copies) release.

Derek Taylor 

 Che Chen — Tokyo 17.II.2012 (self-released)

Tokyo 17.II.2012 by Che Chen

Nowadays Che Chen has earned a measure renown as the guitar-playing half of 75 Dollar Bill, and all the praise is earned. But before that, he played a roomful of instruments in the True Primes, Heresy of the Free Spirit and duos with Robbie Lee, Tetuzi Akiyama and Chie Mukai. The through-lines to all these efforts is a willingness not to play things the way their supposed to be played, and a gift for supplying the right resonance in any setting. Since 75 Dollar Bill is a New York-based band made for social occasions, the COVID-19 lay-off has been especially hard — so there’s no better time to see what’s in those hard drives in the closet, right? Chen has released this solo concert from 2012 via Bandcamp. In Tokyo for a brief layover, he played amplified violin at a party held in the basement of someone’s apartment building. The amplified part is important; dips and swells of feedback count as much as in this 25-minute performance as the fiddle’s bright, plucked notes and rough, bowed tones. Chen moves purposefully from one mode to next, taking time along the way to savor the room’s lively acoustics.

Bill Meyer

 Jeff Cosgrove/ John Medeski/ Jeff Lederer — History Gets Ahead of the Story (Grizzley Music)

Odds are that even the estimable William Parker would be surprised by the prospect of a William Parker cover album. But that’s essentially what History Gets Ahead of the Story is as organized and realized by drummer Jeff Cosgrove. That the project is the province of an organ trio only adds to the potential consternation quotient. John Medeski officiates the Hammond B-3 console and saxophonist Jeff Lederer, doubling on flute, completes the combo convened by Cosgrove. The latter’s connections to Parker stem from a trio he was part of with the bassist/composer and pianist Matthew Shipp that disbanded in 2015 after fruitful collaboration. Parker’s personage and music left an indelible mark and the seeds for the present album were sown. Collective creative license doesn’t get in the way of soulful, energizing renderings of such staples as “O’Neal’s Porch,” “Corn Meal Dance” and “Wood Flute Songs,” but troika also cedes time for a triptych of strong originals that align aurally with their dedicatee’s inclusive tone world sensibilities.

Derek Taylor   

 Derelenismo Occulere — Inexorable Revelación (Le Legione Projets)

Inexorable Revelacion (FULL LENGHT 2020) by Derelenismo Occulere

This sounds like a rehearsal gone wrong. In the time of the COVID pandemic, Neo Apolion, a guy responsible for the music in this Ecuadorean duo, recorded a demo and sent it to the band’s vocalist Malduchryst with a message to do with it whatever he wants. Malduchryst took his band partner’s words all too literally. With complete disregard to the music he began vomiting a noisy, messy mass of screams to a microphone (has he never heard of a black metal with no vocals?). If it sounds totally batshit, you can rest assured that it is. This is what makes Inexorable Revelación actually great black metal. When a lot of metal bands these days are just Backstreet Boys with leather jackets on and with guitars, Derelenismo Occulere care about only fury and mayhem. Their Argentinean mix man Ignacio only adds more chaos to the album. The only flaw this tape has is that it is 15 minutes too long.

Ray Garraty  

 Whit Dickey — Morph (ESP-Disk)

Morph by Whit Dickey

Drummer Whit Dickey and pianist Matthew Shipp have been recurrent partners since the early 1990s, when they were both members of the David S. Ware Quartet. It’s fair to say that each man is a known quantity to the other, and that one of the things they know about each other is that they might still be surprised by the other’s playing. Dickey’s retreated from time to time in order to revise his approach, and while Shipp has often threatened to quit recording over the years, he has never stopped working or evolving. This double disc combines one duo CD and another that adds trumpeter Nate Wooley to the pair. Wooley’s done a number of dates with Shipp in recent times, but he and Dickey were musical strangers before they entered Park West Studios in March 2019. Without Wooley, Shipp and Dickey seem very free and trusting of each other, transitioning with dreamlike ease from abstracted gospel to sideways swing to restless co-rumination this the ease. The trio seems more considered. The trumpeter dips quite sparingly into his extended technique bag, favoring instead linear statements that instigate fleet perambulations from the pianist and more supportive, less overtly dialogic contributions from the drummer. Both sessions work, and their differences complement each other quite handily.

Bill Meyer

 Dropdead — S/T (Armageddon)

Dropdead 2020 by Dropdead

Yep, it’s that Dropdead, the Providence-based powerviolence band that hasn’t released a proper LP since 1998 and was on a long hiatus through much of the 21st century. Since 2011, Dropdead has put out a string of splits, with heavyweights like Converge and Brainoil. But a whole record? Maybe the unrelentingly shitty condition of our political and economic conjuncture motivated the four guys in the band (three of whom have been affiliated with Dropdead since 1991) to write the 23 burners, rants and breakdown-heavy hardcore tunes you’ll hear across Dropdead’s 25 minutes. It’s a welcome addition. Bob Otis’s voice doesn’t have the shredding quality of days of yore — but that ends up being useful. You can hear the lyrics, and they’re drenched in venom and righteousness. The rest of the band hasn’t lost a step. Pretty impressive for a bunch of guys with that much grey in their beards. That said, they don’t pull any intergenerational, “we’re-older-and-wiser” moves. This is still music that wants to collapse boundaries, between stage and mosh pit, between races and genders, between species, even. Not so much class positions: “Warfare State,” “United States of Corruption,” “Will You Fight?” Late capitalism’s depredations still bear the principal brunt of the band’s anger. Things have gotten worse, and Dropdead respond in kind. They may be a lot older, but they’re even more pissed off.

Jonathan Shaw

 Fake Laugh — Waltz (State 51 Conspiracy)

Earlier this year, Kamran Khan released his second Fake Laugh album, the charming, playful Dining Alone, which made its way into Dusted’s mid-year round-up of favorites released in the first half of 2020. Khan’s third album, Waltz, is a very different beast, featuring just piano, vocals and the odd keyboard texture, casting his songwriting in sharp relief. Undoubtedly created in this stripped-down way out of lockdown necessity, it’s hard to listen to these wistful, melancholic songs without imagining where Khan’s knack for colorful arrangements might take them, given the chance. (As a tease, closing song “Amhurst” offers up a shimmering electronic melody and some sighing synth chords.) There’s no doubting Khan’s way with a tune, and his naked vocal, though occasionally showing strain, suits the mood. It’s understated and undeniably lovely, yet Waltz feels like a minor release for this talented artist.

Tim Clarke

 David Grubbs / Taku Unami — Comet Meta (Blue Chopsticks)

Comet Meta by David Grubbs & Taku Unami

In the 23 years since Gastr Del Sol fell apart, David Grubbs has done many things that don’t sound much like his old band with Jim O’Rourke. And Taku Unami has worked in such varied settings and ways that the most persistent quality of his engagement with sound is its ability to induce question marks and ellipses in any train of thought intending to decode it. So, it’s both remarkable and delightful that this record, the duo’s second collaboration, sounds rather like parts of Gastr Del Sol’s Upgrade & Afterlife. The foundation rests upon the way two guys who can and do play intricate guitar duets make subtle use of other elements — creeping acoustic piano, humming synthesizer, urban field recordings — to make music that thickens atmosphere and accumulates mystery with such subtlety that you don’t notice it until you’re in it.

Bill Meyer  

 Guided by Voices — Mirrored Aztec (Guided by Voices Inc.)

I know, I know, it’s another Guided by Voices record, the fifth since 2019, but hear me out. Pollard is still tapped into the fuzzy, rackety, melodic sap of the rock and roll universe, and he has only to knock his hammer a few times against the gnarled tree of life to extract more of what sustains us. Shorter version: he can do this all day, every day, without any noticeable let-up in quality. So, let us celebrate another batch of Who-like power chords, of rumbling drums and monumental bass thuds, of melodies that curve out delicately like spring’s first vines, then thicken into thundering climaxes and triumphant refrains. Let us give thanks again for inscrutable lyrics that drift off into poetry then pull back in the most ordinary artifacts of the spoken word. “I Think I Had It. I Think I Have It,” crows Pollard in a voice that has been blasted by time but come out more or less intact, and yes, Bob, you still do.

Jennifer Kelly

  Edu Haubensak & Tomas Korber — Works for Guitar & Percussion (Ezz-thetics)

The celebrated Wandelweiser aesthetic serves as a loose overarching impetus for the four interpretations of compositions by Edu Haubensak and Tomas Korber that comprise Works for Guitar & Percussion. Classical guitarist Christian Buck and improvising percussionist Christian Wolfarth ply their instruments through pairing and isolation. Essayist Andy Hamilton describes context by delineating a distinction between music (based in the language of tones) and soundart (which is non-tonal) and placing the duo’s interpretations in the opaque border between these realms. Repetition and timbral disparity frame Haubensak’s “On” while Korber’s “Aufhebung” applies scrutiny to microtonal diversity and temporal impermanence. Wolfarth fields Korber’s “Weniger Weiss” from behind snare drum, trading recurring stick rolls with varying segments of silence that compel ears accustomed to Western musical structures to consciously fill in the blanks. Haubensak’s solo “Refugium” finds Buck bending two closely tuned strings in an extrapolation of an Arabic maqam that feels tenuously connected to the form, at best.

Derek Taylor 

 Inseclude — Inseclude (Inseclude)

Brad MacAllister of CTRL and Blue Images and Benjamin Londa of Exit have been working in the darkwave and chillwave scenes for several years and their first album as Inseclude is a long distance collaboration that mines the darker side of 1980s alternative and electronic rock. From Pennsylvania, MacAllister sent musical ideas to Londa in Texas who added guitars, lyrics and vocals to produce a set of songs that are well made and enjoyable if largely unmemorable. There are a number of contemporary bands doing similar things — Hamilton’s Capitol and Manchester’s Ist spring immediately to mind — taking the Cure, New Order, Sisters of Mercy template and why not? Unfortunately, the passage of time and the law of diminishing returns have led to overfamiliarity with this style of music that makes for easy and perhaps unfair comparisons. When they stretch themselves, Inseclude’s songs do hit. “Sondera” and “Failing To The Pulse” carry some real menace with the juxtaposition of wide-angle synths and paranoid vocals but elsewhere the pair seem held back by a restraint and lack of bottom end that diminish the impact of some pretty decent songs.

Andrew Forell

 Kvalia — Scholastic Dreams Of Forceful Machines (Old Boring Russia)

Схоластические Грёзы Силовых Машин by Квалиа

Krasnoyarsk sits on the banks of the Yenisei river in southern Siberia and is known both for the natural beauty of its surrounding landscape and for its primacy as an aluminum producer. Local musicians Aleksander Maznichenko and Aleksey Danilenko reflect the latter on their new five track EP Scholastic Dreams Of Forceful Machines, an icy, metallic collection of post-industrial clang pitched somewhere between Einstürzende Neubauten and early Clock DVA. Their machines are forceful but cranky, rusted, near obsolete. Maznichenko keeps the thrum of turbines is steady but the drum machines lurch and thump, the keyboards whine and scream, the Russian vocals protest their obstreperous charges. Danilenko’s bass is post-punk elastic skipping amongst the raining sparks hinting at a will to dance with his mutant riffs. They sound like they mean it and the result is a terrific EP full of fire, fumes, steam and sweat.

Andrew Forell  

 Mezzanine Swimmers — Kneelin’ on a Knife (Already Dead)

Kneelin' on a Knife by Mezzanine Swimmers

These songs circle around noise-crusted, repetitive beats, the drumming stiff and mechanical, the riffs chopped to short bursts, the vocals woozy and distended. “Sexy Apology” reiterates a three-note keyboard lick ad infinitum, as main Swimmer Mike Smith drawls the title phrase, similarly on repeat. Yet within this unchanging structure, chaos erupts in detuned keyboards, miasmic feedback and corrosive noise. It’s hard to say whether these songs are too tightly organized or too loose, a bit of both really, and yet, get past the headachy thud and there’s an unhinged psychotropic transport. No one ever said that kneeling on knives would be comfortable.

Jennifer Kelly

 Mosca — The Optics (Rent)

Mosca · The Optics [RENT001]

Part of the initial wave of neon-infused dubstep hedonism surrounding the Night Slugs camp at the turn of the last decade, Mosca’s Tom Reid has since survived on the strength of a regular slot behind the decks at NTS and sparingly deployed releases on such renowned labels as Numbers, Rinse, Hypercolour and Livity Sound. “The Optics” debuts his new Rent imprint, conceived as a way to get out music that doesn’t fit in elsewhere. (Originally, this was to be an a-side for a coming AD93 release, but as he says, “There's only so long you can keep a track with a baby crying in it back from the masses.”) Supposedly inspired by the Under the Skin beach scene, the five-minute track immediately throws you off with a dub-heavy shuffle and metallic, alien sounds that zoom around the mix. The main thrust of the melody arrives around a minute in, and gradually the sounds close in on you. There’s bells, birds, a baby crying and then, just when you’re feeling completely stressed out, it all falls away; a driving jungle rhythm carries you the rest of the way. Deeply satisfying dance from a head who hasn’t lost his way.

Patrick Masterson  

 Prana Crafter/ragenap — No Ear to Hear (Centripetal Force Studio/Cardinal Fuzz)

No Ear to Hear by Prana Crafter / ragenap

When Robert Hunter, the poet who wrote lyrics for the Grateful Dead’s “Dark Star,” “Ripple,” “Truckin’,” “Terrapin Station” and many other songs, died in late 2019, long form psych musicians Prana Crafter (William Sol) and ragenap (Joel Berk) mourned separately but simultaneously. The night he died, both took solace in improvised music, which didn’t so much evoke or represent Hunter, but captured some of their feelings about his work and their loss. When they talked, soon after, they found that both had made lengthy open-ended meditations on the same person. Those two extended pieces make up No Ear to Hear. Prana Crafter’s entry, “Beggar’s Tomb,” is weighted and slow moving, building gradually from simmering drones into towering edifices of feedback and dissonance. Although performed largely on guitar, the sound is filtered through gleaming effects and layers into astral strangeness, a mystic’s trip through mental interiors. ragenap’s “Nightfall” also takes shape slowly out of looming sustained notes and black velvet quiet and sounds that scratch and vibrate at the edges. A solitary acoustic guitar takes up space at the forefront finally, carving a hesitant melody across the hum. The tune turns fuller and more agitated as it progresses, adding layers of feedback and distortion. Neither of these pieces sounds much like the Grateful Dead, and of course, neither has any sort of lyrics. I doubt that anyone, hearing this album for the first time would say, “Oh yeah, Robert Hunter.” And yet inspiration works in strange and, in this case, fruitful ways. You can enjoy this even if you don’t like the Dead.

Jennifer Kelly

 Raven Throne — Viartannie (Chroniki Źmiainaj Ciemry) (self-released)

Viartannie (Chroniki Źmiainaj Ciemry) /The Return (The Chronicles of the Serpent Darkness) by RAVEN THRONE

These Belorussian black metal veterans are true materialists. On their seventh album, they show that nature is a social construct, not something given. And boy, their nature is not a loving mother. Unlike many metal bands convey nature via field recordings, Raven Throne craft their ferocious sounds with guitars and drums. Aren’t these as natural instruments as stone and wooden sticks? The atmospheric black metal subgenre has been contaminated by pop and folksy metal so that it’s hard to maintain a truly evil sound, while still bringing the atmospheric elements into it. Raven Throne pull it off. This is how darkness should sound.

Ray Garraty  

 The Slugs — Don’t Touch Me I’m Too Slimy (2214099 Records DK)

Don't Touch Me, I'm Too Slimy by The Slugs

The Slugs are an exuberantly lo-fi punk pop duo out of London who bash and thump and shout short, acidic ditties about being female, in a band, under assault and under the weather. Liberty Hodes, who is also one half of the comedy duo A Comedy Night that Passes the Bechdel Test, plays a jangling, forceful electric guitar, while her Phoebe Dighton-Brown bangs away in brutal simplicity on the drums. Both sing, sometimes in unison, sometimes in rough harmonies, occasionally in slashing counterparts. (One chants “Feel sick/can’t be sick” while the other rolls out mellifluous “ah-ah-ah-ahs” in “Feel Sick.”) There is a charming, unstudied quality to their music, which is a bit too smart and biting to be primitive, but nonetheless eschews frills. It’s hard to pick favorites—the whole EP is over in five tracks and 11 minutes—but “Pest” is giddy fun, with its slouching, battering guitar-drum motif and slacker choruses. The shout along chorus of “Don’t touch me! I’m too slimy!” is the best thing on the record, hitting a rebellious, unwashed spot of resonance in the work-from-home era. Second best, the gleeful tirade about sleazy male promoters in “Girly Gang” (“Give you all the gigs if you touch my wang”), which builds in round-singing euphorias until it ends suddenly and a la Jane Austen in matrimony (“Married in a dress by Vera Wang”). People are comparing the Slugs to the Shaggs, but that’s just short-hand for banging away anyway without all the training. The Slugs are smarter, slyer and more autonomous, and if they sound a little rough, that’s exactly how they meant to sound.

Jennifer Kelly

Tobin Sprout — Empty Horses (Fire)

Empty Horses by Tobin Sprout

Blessed with one of the finest names in music (alongside dEUS’s Klaas Janzoons), Tobin Sprout is best known for being part of the Guided by Voices line-up that created classic albums such as Bee Thousand and Alien Lanes in the 1990s. Though Sprout’s subsequent solo output has been a steady stream compared to Robert Pollard’s deluge, Empty Horses is his eighth solo album. In it, the now-65-year-old ruminates faith, mortality and American history atop a spare, country-tinged backing. There’s a deep ache to many of these songs, the kind of emotional weight that manifests in pointedly low tempos, sparse drum parts that hang behind the beat and vocal performances that are almost uncomfortably intimate. Running to a succinct half-hour, with many of the songs clocking in at just a couple of minutes each, Empty Horses confronts demons seemingly too pernicious to overcome. Yet, when the music becomes more expansive — such as the graceful pedal steel of “Breaking Down,” the woozy modulation of “Antietam,” or the biting fuzztone of “All In My Sleep” — Sprout sounds like he may be on the verge of making a much-needed breakthrough.

Tim Clarke  

 Son Lux — Tomorrows I (City Slang)

Tomorrows I by Son Lux

Son Lux’s songs embed unsettling sounds in deep wells of silence, finding disturbing textures in string sounds, electronics, percussion and the fluttering soul falsetto of founder Ryan Lott. Tomorrows I, reportedly the first of three related albums, has a quietly dystopian vibe and a moist, echoing unease that might remind of you Burial’s classic Untrue. A brief, looped, keening violin motif punctures the opening cut, “Plans We Made” with all the threat of Bernhard Hermann’s shower music for the film Psycho, while Lott trills haunted phrases about being afraid to let go. “Undertow,” near the end, brings in a whole string quartet to swoon dissonantly, as a knocking beat (drummer Ian Chang) sounds like a body being dragged across the floor. “Just waiting for the undertow,” sings Lott in the dread empty spaces between, in arias of muted desolation. Minimalist and menacing and mesmerizing.

Jennifer Kelly

 Ulaan Janthina — Ulaan Janthina (Part 1) (Worstward)

Ulaan Janthina (Part I) by Ulaan Janthina

Steven R. Smith contains multitudes, and Ulaan Janthina is the latest manifestation of his mutating musical self. This release exemplifies three aspects of Smith’s practice. First, he likes to make beautiful things. Hard copies of this tape come in a custom-oriented box that contains tinted photos, shells and printed communications as well as the cassette. And he’s project-oriented. While other iterations have been devoted to an Eastern European vibe, or guitar noise or a virtual ensemble sound, Ulaan Janthina results from a decision to work primarily with the keyboards in his house. It’s a winning strategy, since his synthesizers, organ and harmonium all benefit from the grittiness of Smith’s recording methodology, and his spare playing style makes his melodies stand out quite starkly from the background atmosphere. Like the name says, this is part one of the Janthina (named for a genus of sea snail that makes its own floating platform — not a bad metaphor for the survival-oriented independent musician) venture; a second, similarly packaged cassette is pending from Smith’s Worstward imprint soon, and a future release is already planned by Soft Abuse records.

Bill Meyer

 Various Artists — Spr Blk: Liberation Jazz and Soul From the '70s and Beyond (Paxico)

Liberation Jazz and Soul by Marcus J. Moore

Author Marcus J. Moore (late of The Nation but also found everywhere from Pitchfork to WaPo) has a book on the way in October, The Butterfly Effect: How Kendrick Lamar Ignited the Soul of Black America. In advance of its release via cassette devotees Paxico, Moore cobbled together “rare and somewhat familiar” Black music from his own crates. “These are the kinds of songs I play when walking through New York City or driving through Maryland,” he says in the release. What that means for you is a two-sided mix that burns slower on the A and gets more percussion-heavy on the B. Leading off with Doug Carn’s fittingly titled “Swell Like a Ghost” and featuring jams from Willie Dale, Milton Wright, Ronald Snijders and other lesser jazz, soul and funk lights, it’s a revealing mix that will no doubt pair well with that fall reading you’re about to get going on.

Patrick Masterson 

 Vatican Shadow — Persian Pillars of the Gasoline Era (20 Buck Spin)

Persian Pillars Of The Gasoline Era by Vatican Shadow

Dominick Fernow is hugely prolific, and most folks with ears tuned to the densely churning worlds of noise and industrial music will be familiar with his abrasive, unsettling output under the Prurient moniker. Fernow’s releases as Vatican Shadow are fewer in number, and more attuned to ambient, even melodic movements and textures. That’s sort of odd, given that the Vatican Shadow records thematize and explore Fernow’s obsession with the history of the Middle East, especially post-9/11 collisions of Western military force, Islamic traditions of resistance and the tactics of terror used by both sides. Relaxing stuff, that ain’t. Consistent with the larger project’s tendencies, Persian Pillars of the Gasoline Era claims an interest in the CIA-coordinated Iranian coup (MI6 helped out, too, those imperial scamps) that deposed Mohammed Mossadeq, installed the Shah Reza Pahlavi and inaugurated some of the principal tensions that have shaped the last half-century of world history. It’s unclear how Fernow’s pulsing, shimmering, sometimes juddering synth sounds are meant to represent or otherwise engage that history. For sure, record art and song titles summon all the right semiotics, sometimes with an interesting edge. But “Taxi Journey through the Teeming Slums of Tehran” sounds more like a malfunctioning MP3 player than a taxi or a “teeming slum” (can we all be done with that phrase now?), and “Moving Secret Money” is pleasantly trance-inducing, rather than insidiously evil. Musically, it’s quite good. The packaging seems to want strike other notes. Maybe that’s the point — too many folks are too busy consuming quietist pop to bother with the grind of the political. But is this the intervention we need?  

Jonathan Shaw

84 Questions

original: https://fuckyeahsurveys.tumblr.com/post/61049002526/84-questions

Put your music player of choice on shuffle and list the first 10 songs Guns of Brixton - The Clash Holiday in Cambodia - Dead Kennedys  Chainsaw - Nick Jonas California - Joni Mitchell Make It Wit Chu - Queens of the Stone Age This Woman’s Work - Kate Bush The Bad Thing - Arctic Monkeys Between the Bars - Eliot Smith Drown - The Smashing Pumpkins Different People - No Doubt

If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Would you take anyone with you? I’d take @duoloopo to the UK. I’d like to see places other than London.

What is your preferred writing implement? (eg. Blue pen, pencil, green pen)  I use my iPad stylus the most, but I have this heavy mechanical pencil I really like for drawing. 

Favourite month and why? October. I just love the fall vibe. 

Do you have connections to any celebrities (even minor)? List them. I went to undergraduate school with Rebecca Sugar. We used to ride the bus between NYC and DC together on holidays. 

Name 3 items you could pick up from where you are. Can of seltzer, pencil case, stack of bills

What brand logo is closest to you currently? REAL Skateboards

Do you ever play board games or other non-computer games? Got any favourites? I love Small World and Munchkin. 

A musical artist you love that isn’t well known Laura Stevenson and the Cans

A musical artist you love that is well known Red Hot Chili Peppers

What is your desktop background currently? Thomas Barrow on the beach in the Season 4 Christmas Special

Last person you talked to, and through what you talked to them @duomaxwell02 with my face :O 

First colour name you can think of that isn’t in the rainbow White

What timekeeping devices are in the room you are currently in? Two wall clocks, though one is very old and doesn’t wind anymore. I also have a clock @duoloopo ‘s dad made for me. It’s on the piano. 

What kind of headphones do you use? JBL Bluetooth, noise canceling 

What musical artists have you seen perform live? Foo Fighters (3x), Incubus (3x), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, Beastie Boys, Audioslave, Justin Timberlake, Troy Sivan, Arctic Monkeys, The Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton, Queen (but with Roger Daughtry, not Freddy... for obvious reasons.). Probably a whole bunch of others I’m blanking on. 

Does virginity matter to you? Not really. 

What gaming consoles do you or your family own? PS4, PS2, PS1, XBox 360, N64, Gamecube, Wii, NES, SNES, various Gameboys, Nintendo DS, PSP

What pets do you have? What are their names? Two cats, Hemingway and Renji

What’s the best job you’ve ever had? I like freelance art gigs the best. As for ‘normal people jobs’, I once was a sign painter for Whole Foods. That was pretty fun, minus the work drama. 

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? Food service. 

What magazines do you read, if any? I’ll pick up Time once in a while

Inspiration behind your URL? My classic original URL was LinkWorshiper and had been since AIM first existed. I picked it because Zelda was the first fandom I ever joined. Now I’ve changed all my handles (except on AO3) to reflect my actual name, as my literary agent thinks it’s more professional. 

Inspiration behind your blog title? Mean Girls. I always chuckle imagining Thomas and Jimmy as some Edwardian version of the Plastics. 

Favourite item of clothing? My Downton livery waistcoat. And the stiff bosomed shirt and collars I have to go with it. 

Are you friends with any exes? Nah. By the time I felt comfortable enough to possibly try, I also didn’t care enough to. 

Name at least one book you loved as a child. His Dark Materials (the trilogy by Philip Pullman). I still love them and am jazzed that he’s writing more these days. 

What’s your native language? If that language has distinct regional variations, which variation? (eg. AU English, US English) US English, mostly a northeastern dialect/accent

What email service do you use? Gmail

Is there anything hanging on the walls of the room you are currently in? So much stuff. I have a mood board full of Downtons stuff over my desk, various DA posters and memorabilia, plus some artwork I’ve done, and some of my JC Leyendecker collection. The aforementioned wall clocks, a San Francisco cable car bell, Sailor Moon and a few other little knickknacks, like my hamsa. To name a few lol. 

What’s your favourite number, and why? 212 because it’s Manhattan’s area code and also because it used to be the notation for one of my favorite ships in an old fandom. 

Earliest moment in your life you can remember? Sitting under the table and looking at my grandma, who was wearing a Cruella Deville dress she’d knit herself. Like, it had the actual Disney character on it. Pretty cool to a little guy, I guess!

What did you have for dinner yesterday? Quesadilla 

How often do you brush your teeth? Whenever they feel gross

What’s your favourite candy/chocolate? Lately, I’ve been into Junior Mints. 

Have you had other blogs on Tumblr? Do you have any other blogs currently? This blog used to have my old handle, linkworshiper. I did a small Whole Foods blog when I worked with them, but it never went anywhere. 

If you were suddenly really hungry, what would you choose to eat? Sushi

What fandoms would you consider yourself a part of? Downton Abbey, though lately I’ve been crazy busy and not as active as I once was. Casually still poking at old fandoms like Zelda and Gundam Wing to name a few. 

If you could study anything, what would it be? More art education can’t hurt. Maybe some formal history education. 

Do you use anything on your lips? (eg. Chapstick, gloss, balm, lipstick) Chapstick 

How would you describe your sense of humour? Seinfeld 

What things annoy you more than anything else? Mouth noises

What kind of position are you in at the moment? Sitting

Do you wear much jewellery? Nope

Who is the leader of your country, currently? Any other levels of government with leaders? (State, region, province, county, district, municipality, etc) Three supposedly equal branches of government, currently being run into the ground by a clown 

Last 3 blogs on your dashboard, not including any of your own @halcyondaze @mab1905 @lavender-hued-melancholy

What do you carry your money in? I try to never carry cash, but I carry a small wallet 

Do you enjoy driving? Why or why not? I like it but sometimes it feels like a chore, especially during a commute. @duoloopo thinks I’m a shit driver so she tries to drive whenever she can, which has pluses and minuses. 

Longest drive you have ever been on? Savannah GA to San Francisco, CA in a UHaul

Furthest away from home you have ever been? Germany 

How many times have you moved house? God, I don’t even know. More than ten. 

What is on the floor of the room you’re currently in, not including furniture? Cat toys, unused canvases

How many devices do you own which can access the internet? Phone, computer, iPad, various game consoles 

Is there is anything that is guaranteed to always make you happy? Thomas and Jimmy <3 <3 

Is there anything that always makes you sad? Thinking too hard about being a failure

What programs do you currently have open? I just rebooted, so only Chrome, Spotify and Photoshop

What do you associate the colour red with? This line in the Kate Bush Song Blue Symphony, which goes, ‘I associate love with red, the color of my heart when she’s dead.’ 

Last strong smell you can remember smelling? The Greek food I ordered in for dinner

Last healthy thing you ate? Roasted veggies

Do you drink tea or coffee, and how much per day? I prefer tea, and I drink coffee for energy, though sometimes I think it just makes me crash harder. 

What do you associate the colour blue with? The sky

How long is the closest ruler you can find? 12 inches

What colour pants/skirt/etc are you currently wearing? Dark blue

When was the last time you drank water? About a minute ago

How often do you clear your browser history? Rarely

Do you believe nude photos can be artistic, rather than erotic? Yes

Ever written fanfiction for anything? Oh God, yes. You can still find it under Link Worshiper on AO3, though some of my ‘classics’ have been removed since I turned them into original manuscripts 

Last formal event you attended My cousin’s wedding

If you had to move your birthday to another date, which one would you choose and why? Maybe inch my birth year up just by two so that I’d stop being called a damn millennial. At my age, I really just don’t relate to the generation even though technicalities make me a part of it. 

Would you prefer to be at a beach or in the countryside? Beach

Roughly how many people live in your town? 52,000

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Leonard Nimoy :D 

Favourite place to shop? Can be a certain store or a place where there are multiple stores I haven’t really gone shopping since the pandemic. Right now, it feels like the only place to buy anything is Amazon XD

Do you have a smartphone? What kind? If you don’t, do you want one? Samsung. It’s not a Galaxy but is a new model and a fraction of the price. 

What is your least favourite colour, and why? I don’t think I dislike any colors honestly. 

How do you spell grey/gray? Grey. I’ve got too many British online associates to ever go back. 

Go to your dashboard and describe the image shown in the radar section (below the “Find blogs” link) It’s Umbrella Academy fanart of Klaus. He’s in black and white with this hands over his eyes and the background is red. It’s very graphic. 

What difference is there between how many followers you have, and the number of blogs you follow? 736

How many posts do you have? 8,859

How many posts have you liked? I can’t find the stat D: 

Do you post mainly reblogs, or your own content? Mainly reblogs but I pepper in my own content when I can. Lately, I haven’t had time to do as much fanart though, and I kind of feel like it’s not worth bothering to post my original stuff. Nobody follows my blog for that. 

Do you track any tags? No. 

What time is it currently? 7:33 PM CMT

Is there anything you should be doing right now? Waking up @duoloopo. TIME TO JUMP ON THE BED. 

tagging, if they feel like it: @abbys-little-whippersnapper​ @bumblebarrow​ @irrationalgame​ @downtoncat​ @mab1905​ @duoloopo​

and everyone who I’ve forgotten

say hello to my (revamped) little friend :)))))

lea michele has been my idol and source of inspiration ever since i was 11 years-old. i looked up to her and loved her and supported her. i met my two closest friends because of glee and lea. she’s the reason i got into glee, and glee is the reason why i decided to join roleplay years ago. i owe so much to lea. that being said, i do not support, condone or accept her alleged behavior. i knew about her being self-centered and difficult to work with, but i never thought i would log online some night searching for instagram photos for sandrine and find out all of that. i was reading the twitter thread all night long and watching a decade of my life disappear before my eyes. i know my feelings are worth nothing and are completely irrelevant & meaningless compared to the gravity of the situation that brought out all of these allegations. i also want to point out this is not a representation of mine or sandrine’s views on racism, bullying, performance activism or politics.

one of the first things that came to mine was sandrine and this group. i never bragged about being original, so it should come as no surprise that sandrine took a lot of characteristics from lea. her bubbly and lively personality, the tiny but mighty energy, the italian family background, the singing part, the cooking, the love of beauty, everything from her looks to her voice, it screams lea michele when i think about sandrine. changing her faceclaim was not an easy thing to do, because it implies changing this character i cherish with all of my heart. anyway, here’s a list of things that will change about sandrine from now on / things that will stay the same.

changes:

the faceclaim. lea is sephardi jewish (of turkish and greek descent) as well as italian. try and match that, it’s hard. plus, finding someone who is as expressive and joyful as sandrine is difficult too. i decide to use demet özdemir (who’s of turkish, bulgarian and german descent from what i read). compared to lea, i don’t know anything about her whatsoever. i lurked through gif tags and photos and she seems promising. if i don’t feel good using her, i will change to leighton meester and review, once again, the family background. (shoutout to lina for helping me, a true life saver!!!! <3)

alessandra “sandrine” serafina hébert. her last name changes. it is no longer lombardi, but hébert. (pronounced eh-bert in english, or hey-ber in french because the t is silent, i did some genalogy research and the surname hébert was, in some parts of the province, adapted from german so it fits with demet).

her age. sandrine is 30 turning 31 in september instead of 33 going 34.

her parents’ name. i will not redo the whole family post i did ages ago, but they all get a change of name and history. adamo is now only adam, and he’s 33 instead of 35. christian hébert is her father and monica evans is the mother. corinna remains corinna. christian’s father’s last name was actually esmer, but he changed to hébert when he moved in order to try and fit in the community.  the whole italian family storyline goes in the garbage bin, but since, historically speaking, traditional quebecer values are not that different from family, food and making babies, i’m good with that! i am absolutely not familiar with turkish and canadian history & relations so i have a lot of research to do there just to feel comfortable with this. i knew more about italo-québécois from school and from writing a paper about this community, hence why i felt no discomfort using cultural and historical aspects in sandrine’s story. montréal has the second largest turkish community of canada from stats i found, so, still, it’s not completely off either.

her career in ice skating / the reason she quit. sandrine will still be a successful figure skater who was amongst the best of her province, but i’ll twist things up. i won’t have her quit at 18, rather at 20. because (drum roll) i will give her a love interest. she started doing couple figure skating competitions at 17 and fell in love with her partner. they dated for three years, that innocent first relationship kind of love and he broke-up because he felt like he was too young to commit. hence why she still believes no one will ever love her as much as she loves them.

her timeline will go like this: at 20 she quit ice skating and dropped out of university. from 20 to 24 she stayed at home in montréal with her parents. from 24 to 26, she was roommates with adam in boston. and from 26 to now, 30 going 31, she is living on her own, running her salon in devinstone.

what stays the same:

lea’s voice is sandrine’s voice. when i write dialogues (which means 99% of all of my replies bc i can’t write), i hear lea’s voice. sandrine’ voice and singing voice will remain lea’s. that is unfortunately something i can’t let go of. 

she’s still lea’s height even if demet is 5″7.

she still has 2 of lea’s tattoos: the coffee mug and the musical notes.

she’s still a beautician. that does not change one bit! she still loves cooking. she still loves being annoying.

i will not delete any posts from before. i have so many faceclaim posts and instagram photos queued that some might slip away but those, i will delete them if i notice they get posted on accident. my queue has over 40 posts so it glitches and doesn’t always show me what’s in there.

everything else. she’s still the reincarnation of poppy from trolls, anna from frozen and pinkie pie from my little pony. big dumb dumb energy and all!

a faceclaim change should not be that big of a deal. but i’m a big baby who adored a celebrity for so long and i’m learning a hard lesson right now. i will proceed to changing her icon, theme, url, and to send a whole new biography to the main in the next couple of days. the main will also be contacted when they’ll come back to tumblr. since i don’t have discord, i couldn’t contact them sooner. i need time to process everything and to change sandrine’s muse without losing it. thank you for reading all of this and i am truly sorry if me using lea michele as a faceclaim ever offended any of you. i owed all of you an explanation and an apology as to why it takes so much time to change everything (idk who sent me this anon about me having to change my faceclaim but i was aware i had to do so since the moment i read the first tweets so i hope you didn’t worry about that too much). again, i’m sorry. stay safe, ily guys! <3

50 questions tag!

I got tagged by @bl-crossingtheline​! Hello darling! Sorry I’m so late on this. Needed a good block of time and then I just kept forgetting. 😜😂

Questions:

what color is your hairbrush? Aqua/Teal

name a food you never eat: Brussel sprouts. And fish.

are you typically too warm or too cold? Um... in winter I’m just perpetually cold. I prefer to be on the warmer side. But as I’ve gotten older that’s changed a little bit. But I don’t know if I’m like always cold or whatever.

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? lol eating fresh home made sour dough bread with my family.

what’s your favorite candy bar? 100 grand bars

have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes. a hockey game with my family and brothers’ hockey teams. 

what’s the last thing you said out loud?: My brother was leaving so I yelled BYEEEEE HAVE A NICE DAY from my room and he said NO~! YOU HAVE A NICE DAY! so then I said FINE IF YOU’RE FORCING ME TO. lol. That was one of our nicer interactions 😂

what’s your favorite ice cream?: anything with caramel or maybe moosetracks. Or just plain vanilla cuz it’s classic, yummy, and underappreciated.

what was the last thing you had to drink? milk

do you like your wallet?: Yes! I do! I found it years ago at a thrift store and it was just perfect for me. It’s black with a pretty metal thing with engraved flowers on it. It zips closed AND there’s a coin pouch inside. And it’s the kind that folds in half rather than the kind that looks like a clutch purse which I’m really glad about because the clutch purse shaped ones seem to almost never be quite the right size - either too big or too small and sometimes the latch breaks so then it just flops open. :P

what’s the last thing you ate? sour dough bread

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? um.... no. But i did this last Friday cuz I had to pick up some things from Walmart and I impulse bought a $10 dress that looked comfy and light weight and casual and I can wear it on days when I don’t want to wear pants. I didn’t have a good dress for days like that before.

what’s the last sporting event you watched? uh...... i don’t. Unless my friend showing me a two minute compilation clip of the danish (i think?) sport of jumping over rivers with a pole counts. or unless watching super junior perform counts. 

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? butter + salt or white cheddar

who’s the last person you sent a text to? real texting it was a mom I babysit for. But more recently than that I was messaging blue (musicdramalove) on tumblr.

ever go camping? my family used to go camping a lot - like at least once a year. But we haven’t for several years now since all my siblings and I are adults now. I think I might’ve gone with friends a couple years ago though. idk.

do you take vitamins? nope. If I get sick, I drink a looooooot of orange juice.

do you go to church every sunday? yeah

do you have a tan? not right now. hopefully I will by the end of summer (if not June)

do you prefer chinese or pizza? chinese (but pizza’s good too)

do you drink soda through a straw? not unless I order it at a restaurant and it’s in a glass. But that’s rare. I usually order water or sometimes a cocktail.

what color socks do you usually wear? I have a set that’s cream, a couple greys, and white, and I have a set that’s cream, grey and light pink.

do you ever drive above the speed limit? heck yeah. Usually I keep it to about 5-10 above. But it also depends on what streets I’m on.

what terrifies you? Failing at working a career job or living a miserable life or being alone forever with no one to take care of me when I’m sick.

look to your left, what do you see? my purse on the floor next to my dresser

what chore do you hate the most? scrubbing my shower/bathtub.

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? steve the animal guy or liam and chris hemsworth or KJ Apa or Rebel Wilson. Or the other day when I was talking to my nanny kiddos about accents and the girl and I could do decent-ish british accents but absolutely failed at an Aussie accent

what’s your favorite soda? root beer

do you go in fast food places or just hit the drive thru? depends on the day or sometimes the line of cars in the drive thru

what’s your favorite number? 4. idky but I’ve always thought of it as my lucky number. Plus I just like it. It’s even. It’s small. 2 + 2 = 4 and 2 x 2 = 4.

who’s the last person you talked to? my brother when I was yelling bye to him.

favorite cut of beef? yeah i really don’t know or care

last song you listened to? We by Yesung

last book you read? honestly can’t even tell you.

can you say the alphabet backwards? YES I CAN AND I’M VERY PROUD ABOUT THIS

favorite day of the week? mmm..... saturday because I usually see my friends on saturday and also refuse to do homework on saturdays.

how do you like your coffee? with a big scoop of hot chocolate powder and quite a bit of half and half. sometimes I forego the chocolate powder but my preference is to have it. 

favorite pair of shoes? oooh..... I love my shoes. I have so many that I like. um... okay I’m gonna say it’s this one pair of brown heels I have. They look kinda like leather, orangey-brown, 4in tall heel, and they’re almost like ankle boots because the material goes to just below my ankle. They look amazing with skinny jeans.

time you normally get up? mm..... somewhere between 8 and 9 I guess if I wake up naturally. But I have to get up at 6:15 for work and 7am on days when I have church bc I’m head of nursery (but church is at 10am and online cuz quarantine)

sunrise or sunsets? hm.... I guess sunset bc it sets behind the mountains and it’s gorgeous.

how many blankets on your bed? rn 1 really light one cuz summer’s basically here.

describe your kitchen plates? white with a red and grey design on them with a red border on the edge

describe your kitchen at the moment? currently a mess bc things are being moved around and sorted and everything is everywhere. Other than that, it’s got a sink, fridge, oven, dishwasher, you know, the uszh. 

do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? mm.... right now I guess my go to is a moscato wine. I think that’s my favorite thing right now. You can call me a wimp but hey it’s a step up from Mike’s hard mango punch. I also really like mules.

do you play cards? yes.

what color is your car? silver. and it annoys me bc it looks like every other unimpressionable unremarkable unmemorable car out there :p

can you change a tire? .............................................no.

your favorite state/province/county/etc.? MINE

favorite job you’ve had? my babysitting job for a neighborhood family. I’ve been babysitting them for about 7 years now and I have been with them for two of their kids’ births and I’ve gotten to watch them grow up and develop personalities and learn about life and it has been such a fun experience and blessing to me.

how did you get your biggest scar? okay so I don’t know about biggest, but the one that I’ve probably had the longest and is still clearly visible is one that’s on my foot. It’s about a cm long and is about an inch or so in from the base of my second toe on my right foot. I got it when I was... I think a sophomore in high school when my family visited my bro and sis-in-law out of state for Thanksgiving. I went to grab a bottle of sparkling apple cider out of the fridge but, in the process of grabbing it or moving something aside or something, the bottle of sparkling cider fell out of the fridge onto the tile floor right next to my foot and SHATTERED. I was frozen in shock. Didn’t know what to do. Felt embarrassed and felt bad about the broken bottle and mess. I didn’t even realize until my mom and sis-in-law were cleaning up the floor around me that there was a small shard of glass somewhat embedded in my foot. I don’t remember feeling any pain from it. I think I was probably still in shock. But I still have the scar. 

Tagging: I don’t really know and I’m tired so ANYONE WHO WANTS TO 😊

Angels Calling

Hi everyone! I just wanted to give a bit of a preface to this story. I know I was supposed to post a much happier story but I just couldn’t. A little bit about me that you may not know is that I worked for a local Hospice for 6 years. I helped people shower, maintain their homes, and just be there for them as they died and provided love and care to their loved ones as they were passing. My dad’s parents have been my next door neighbors since I was 4 years old, and I started noticing my sweet Gram declining a lot last year. When it got to the point that she needed help with showering, she wouldn’t let anyone else but me help her. So, when she was actively dying and in Hospice at the hospital, I stayed with her a lot and when she was still aware, she wouldn’t let me out of her sight. She lingered for 9 days. The night she died, I did her final post-mortum (after death) bath and got her ready for the funeral home to come myself. Because of my time with Hospice, I have a very unnatural way to deal with grief and everything is a little more complicated. When I started having nightmares about being at the hospital just waiting for her to pass, I knew I needed to do something to get it out of my system, and this story was born out of my need to deal with both my time working for hospice and the hundreds of patients I cared for and losing my Gram over the summer. So, with that, I’m sorry, but this story is really sad, but lightens up a bit at the end. But also know that I wrote this more for myself than for anything else.

Warnings: character death, grief, Hospice, terminal illness

Words: 18301

“Appa, I don’t feel so good.”

Hoseok never dreamed that those simple words spoken to him at 2:30 am would be the start of his worst nightmare come to life, but it was. Hoseok was a single dad, and as difficult as it could be, he wouldn’t trade his precocious 3-year-old daughter for anything in the world. Almost every father would say that if asked, but for Hoseok it was the truth. As far as he was concerned, the sun, moon, and all the stars rose and set in Dasom. Dasom’s mother had been young and a bit flighty, so when she found out she was pregnant she begged Hoseok to let her have an abortion, but he refused. He finally begged enough and promised that if she carried the baby to term, she’d never have to see either of them again, and she’d agreed. After 15 hours of labor, Dasom was born and her mother signed documentation resigning all parental rights to the child leaving her solely with Hoseok. As much as it broke his heart that she wanted nothing to do with this vibrant child, he was just selfish enough to be relieved that she couldn’t stroll in whenever it benefited her and shatter pieces of Dasom’s heart.

Hoseok could only think of a handful of times in her short life that Dasom had been ill, but she had recently begun attending pre-school and came into contact with more children her own age. He figured that it was only a matter of time before she would catch a cold, so when she came into his room and shook him awake and said she didn’t feel good, Hoseok figured she might have the cold that was going around.

“What doesn’t feel good, my Love?” he asked gently as he turned on the lamp on his bedside table.

“Appa, everything hurts. My skin even feels sore.”

Hoseok reached his hand out and felt her forehead and she was burning up. He picked her up and she immediately snuggled her face into the crook of his neck. He carried her into the bathroom and sat her gently on the countertop to take her temperature. She was old enough to take her temperature orally now and tolerated him holding the digital thermometer under her tongue until it beeped. When he glanced at the number on the screen, he did a double take. How was it possible that his baby had a temperature of 106 degrees? He was no doctor but he knew enough to know that her fever was dangerously high and probably the reason her little body was aching.

“Dasom, darling, we have to go to the doctor, but first I want you to take some medicine, okay?”

“Okay, Appa. As long as it helps. It hurts so much,” she whimpered as tears started streaking down her cheeks.

Hoseok hated seeing her in pain, so he gave her a dose of children’s fever reducer then got dressed to take her to the emergency room. After dressing himself quickly, he helped Dasom slip out of her pajamas to put on something that would be comfortable but warmer to go out into the chilly late-autumn night. When he took off her pajama pants, he gasped. There were big dark bruises down her legs that had not been there several hours ago when he’d helped her bathe before bed. As much as he was panicking on the inside, he was trying to stay calm for Dasom.

“Darling, did you fall out of bed or bump your legs coming to wake me up?” he asked, quietly.

“No, Appa, but it hurts.”

She was beginning to cry in earnest as he helped her into her booster seat in the back seat of his car and helped her buckle her seatbelt. The drive to the hospital went quickly, but Hoseok was so worried that it felt like it took hours to get there. Luckily, when they arrived there were no other people in the waiting room.

“Hi, Sir. How can we help you?” the receptionist asked.

“It’s my daughter. She woke me up saying she felt really bad, her fever was 106 degrees when I took it under her tongue, and she has bruises on her legs now that weren’t there when I helped her with her bath at 8:00.”

After entering the information into the computer system in front of her, the receptionist stepped from behind the desk with a clipboard.

“I’m going to go ahead and take you back to have her checked out by a doctor, but in the meantime, I do need for you to complete some additional information please.”

She led them back into a small room that was sectioned off with a curtain but had a bed in the middle. Hoseok laid Dasom gently on the bed and pulled a chair over beside her. She had brought a small yellow stuffed dog with her, and while she still cried a bit, she was toying with its ears while Hoseok completed the paperwork. He wrote down their insurance information and paused slightly when he got to the section about emergency contacts. His parents and sister lived several provinces over, and while he had some friends in the city, he and Dasom were pretty much solitary. After pondering for a moment, Hoseok wrote in the name of his best friend and business partner, Kim Namjoon. As far as Dasom was concerned, Unca Joonie and his partner, Unca Tookie, were her best friends. Namjoon and Hoseok ran a small bookstore/coffee shop combination in Seoul, while Namjoon’s partner Jungkook ran a game and comic book shop down the street. Namjoon and Jungkook had met a couple of years ago when Jungkook started coming into the café every morning for an Americano with double espresso shots every morning before opening his shop. Hoseok had just finished completing the requested documents when a doctor in a long white coat slipped into the room.

“Hi! My name is Dr. Kim Seokjin, but you can just call me Dr. Jin. What’s causing you so much trouble in the middle of the night, Princess Dasom?”

The dark-haired doctor was gentle and playful enough with her that he eased Dasom’s worries about being in the hospital, while still performing a thorough examination. After looking her over and taking her vitals, he turned to Hoseok.

“Mr. Jung, how long ago would you say Dasom had the fever reducer?” he asked.

“It was around 2:45 am,” he said, looking at his watch. “So maybe an hour and 15 minutes ago?”

“Hmm…” Dr. Kim thoughtfully jotted a few notes down. “It should definitely be taking effect by now, but her fever is now 106.3. I am going to have my lovely assistant come in and draw some of Dasom’s blood to do some tests. I’m also going to have him start an IV so we can give her a different medication to try to bring that fever down.” He turned to Dasom then and gave her a blinding smile, “I’ll be right back, Princess Dasom. I just want to step down the hall and get you some juice. Don’t give my lovely assistant too hard of a time, okay?”

Once she had giggled a bit and agreed, he exited the make-shift room. Since the room was essentially a big curtain in a circle around the bed, Hoseok could hear Dr. Kim speaking softly to someone outside the room but couldn’t make out what he was saying. He was watching Dasom snuggle under the light blanket with her puppy when someone new popped into the room.

“Oh my goodness! You must be the beautiful princess Dr. Jin was telling me about! My name is Taehyung,” the tall man said cheerfully before bowing to Dasom.

Dasom started giggling as soon as he called her a beautiful princess, and Taehyung shot her a big boxy smile before he came and sat down on the side of the bed.

“Princess, Dr. Jin said you are feeling pretty bad, and he wants us to do some tests to find out why. In order to do that, I need to take some samples of your blood which might not be fun for you, but I’ll be as gentle as I can, okay?”

Hoseok was still on edge, but the kindness of the nurse to even make his baby girl smile in this scenario was so appreciated. Dasom reached over and squeezed Hoseok’s hand while Taehyung drew three different tubes of blood and inserted an IV. Once the IV was in, he hung a bag of clear liquid and connected it.

“Alright, Princess Dasom! We are all done with the worst part now. I’m going to take your blood off to my friend to run some tests. In the meantime, why don’t you try to take a nap?”

After Taehyung left, Dasom lifted her little arms up to Hoseok and asked, “Appa, can I sleep in your lap?”  

“Of course you can, my darling,” he smiled to her. He picked up her small body being careful not to tug the IV lines and climbed into her bed. She snuggled into his arms and within a few minutes she had fallen asleep.

After she had fallen asleep, Hoseok checked the time. It was nearing 5:30 am, and they still had no idea what was wrong. Hoseok was exhausted with worry, so he tilted his head back on the pillow in Dasom’s hospital bed and drifted off to the rhythm of her sleepy breaths on his neck.

 The phone at the nurse’s station rang and Taehyung picked it up, chatting with the person on the other end for a moment before covering the mouthpiece with his hand and flagging Jin down.

“Dr. Kim, this is Dr. Min in the lab about our pediatric patient in Bay 1.”

Jin looked up from his charting and walked over to take the call.

“Hi Yoongi-chi. Have some good news for me?” he said cheerfully into the receiver.

Taehyung knew that Dr. Kim and Dr. Min had gone to medical school together and were close friends. They usually bantered back and forth for a bit, but from the look on Jin’s face, something wasn’t right.

“You’re sure, Yoongi-chi? Damn. Okay, send me up the report.”

After hanging up the phone, Jin pulled up the digital report before swearing softly under his breath.

“Tae, I hate cases like this. She’s really sick,” he said. “Do me a favor and go make Mr. Jung a strong cup of coffee and get some chocolate milk for our princess.”

 “Mr. Jung?”

Hoseok startled awake at the deep voice calling his name. He still held Dasom to his chest, and he could feel where she had drooled some in her sleep onto his shoulder. Taehyung smiled softly at him then helped him sit the head of the bed up a bit. He sat a sippy cup full of chocolate milk on the over bed table, before holding out a cup of coffee.

“Here, you are going to need this. Dr. Kim is going to come in after you’ve had a few minutes to wake up to talk with you about Dasom. It’s not the best coffee you’ve ever had, but it’s not jet fuel either.”

Hoseok thanked him and sipped on the hot coffee while waiting for the doctor. Something about how Taehyung had given it to him made his stomach twist with nervousness. After a few sips, the coffee and the churning of his nerves made Hoseok a bit queasy, so he abandoned the cup onto the over bed table beside the cup with Dasom’s chocolate milk. Before he had the time to overthink, Dr. Kim came in and sat in the chair beside the bed.

“I see our princess is still sleeping. I’m a little glad that she’s going to sleep through this conversation,” Dr. Kim sighed then and ran his hands through his hair. “We got the blood tests back that I ordered on Dasom. Her white blood cell count is literally off the charts. It’s so high that our machine that reads the count gave an error. Our lab director is a friend of mine and he personally ran the test for me. I really suspect that Dasom has a form of leukemia, but I can’t treat her here in the emergency room. I’m going to have her admitted to our children’s ward upstairs and personally refer her to a colleague who specializes in things like this. Dr. Park is a couple years younger than me, but he’s brilliant and knows all the latest treatments. He should be able to pick up where I leave off. Is there anyone you can call to be with you? I didn’t see mentions of Dasom’s mother on the paperwork…”

“She signed away parental rights the same hour Dasom was born. I haven’t seen her in literal years. My best friend lives in the city, so I’ll call him,” Hoseok murmured.

He was in shock. His baby was so sick. He could feel the panic bubbling up a bit, but he swallowed it harshly down.

“Taehyung is going to come in a few minutes and take you upstairs. Dasom will have to go up a separate elevator due to hospital rules, but we will make sure you have her room number before you go. That will also give you a chance to call your friend.”

Dasom was still asleep when Taehyung came to push bed and all up to the 7th floor of the hospital. He gave Hoseok the cup of chocolate milk and a slip of paper with her room number written on it. Hoseok stepped out of the emergency room bay and walked out into the lobby inside the main portion of the hospital to make a phone call.

 It was still dark outside when Namjoon’s phone rang. He knocked a closed bottle of water off his bedside table trying to get to it and then croaked out a greeting. He was trying to stay quiet enough not to wake Jungkook sleeping with his head on Namjoon’s bare chest, but when he heard Hoseok sobbing on the other end about Dasom and the hospital and something about leukemia, he sat up fast enough to dump the younger man off his chest harshly.

“Hobi, we will be right over. We will stop by and put a note on the door of the shop that it will be closed for the day.”

Jungkook had pouted at first at his rough awakening until he heard how upset Namjoon was. Namjoon was rushing around getting dressed faster than Jungkook had ever seen, and it made Jungkook respond with his own shaken brand of frantic dressing.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Who was on the phone?” Jungkook asked as he pulled a black shirt over his head.

“Hoseok. He’s at the hospital with Dasom. They’ve been there all night and the doctors think she has leukemia.”

 That was the beginning of the flaming hellscape that Hoseok’s life became. After four months of intermittent hospitalizations for weeks at a time, chemotherapy treatments that made Dasom vomit everything out for days afterwards and made her beautiful hair fall out, other treatments in the form of shots, IVs, and elixirs, and a bone marrow transplant, Hoseok wasn’t sure how much more either of them could take. It seemed like their options were slowly running out, and that was terrifying to him. It was still amazing to him how Dasom was still as bright and playful as she had ever been despite how sick she truly was. Namjoon and Jungkook had been by their sides the entire time, and Jungkook had spent a small fortune in cute hats and headbands for her when all of her hair had come out.

“I can’t help it, Hobi. I just want her to still feel as beautiful as she is, with or without hair,” he’d said when Hoseok had commented on it.

The three of them took turns staying with her during the day. Luckily, Jungkook’s friend Yugyeom was able to help out at the game shop on the days when Jungkook was babysitting, much like today. Hoseok and Namjoon were both in the shop that day preparing for a book signing coming later in the week, and Jungkook was sending them both photos of their adventures as the day went on. Hoseok was re-arranging the window display for the upcoming Valentine’s Day holiday when his phone rang. He hadn’t been expecting a call, so it startled him a bit when he saw the phone number for Dr. Park’s office on his caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mr. Jung? This is Eunwoo at Dr. Park’s office. He’d like to schedule a time for you to bring in Dasom to go over her recent labs. Is there any way you can come this afternoon?”

Something in Hoseok was shattered by the urgency of the request, but he set the appointment for 3 pm. That gave him a little more than 2 hours to pick up Dasom from Jungkook and arrive at the office. He placed the red tinted fairy lights he’d been attempting to detangle back in the box and headed to the back of the shop to find Namjoon. He found him in their office on the phone confirming the time with the local author for the book signing that Friday. Hoseok sat on the edge of the chair in front of the desk and waited for the call to end.

“Alright, Hobi. That was just confirming the details for our signing Friday afternoon. He will be here at 4 and we can get him settled at his table with some tea before we let in the masses.”

“Joon, Dr. Park’s office called and scheduled an appointment for Dasom in 2 hours. I’m going to have to go pick her up and go,” Hoseok told him anxiously.

“That doesn’t sound good. Why don’t I ride with you and we have Kookie meet us at the office with Dasom? If it’s not good news, I don’t want you to be alone,” Namjoon asked. Hoseok knew that he was worried by the way his forehead was crinkled just between his eyebrows, but he was trying to hide it.

“Okay. If it’s not too much trouble for you and Kookie.”

 Hoseok was so nervous about the appointment that they ended up leaving nearly an hour before they had to be there. Hoseok felt the anxiety buzzing around his abdomen like he’d drunk live bees instead of tea with breakfast that morning. Namjoon’s presence at his side was soothing and familiar as they sat on a park bench in front of the office waiting on Jungkook to get there.

“Hey, Seok? No matter what happens when we walk out of this appointment, we will handle it together. We are brothers. Jungkook and I love Dasom just like she is our own child. We will help you with whatever comes next,” Namjoon said softly, squeezing Hoseok’s hand gently as they watched Jungkook park his car and help Dasom out of the backseat.

Hoseok felt his throat close up with nerves, so he just nodded and plastered on a bright smile for his daughter. While the smile was initially fake, it slowly became a true grin as he heard Dasom and Jungkook singing “Baby Shark” as loudly as they could while crossing the parking lot. Jungkook was holding her against his chest and she was wearing a sparkly lavender princess dress and was clipping her matching tiara into Jungkook’s curly locks as they walked.

“Wow, Kookie! Who knew you made such a beautiful princess!” Hoseok teased.

“I’d be offended, but Dasom already told me that I’m the prettiest princess, and her word is law since she’s the queen,” he sassed back, making Dasom giggle.

“Hi Appa!” she squealed when Hoseok reached out for her.

“Hi my Love! Have you had a fun day with Princess Kookie?”

“Yes! We read more of The Princess Bride after lunch, then Unca Tookie let me play dress up for a bit.”

Hoseok listened to his daughter chatter about her day with Jungkook as they checked in with the receptionist. The group had only just sat down when a familiar face popped out and called them back.

“TaeTae! I didn’t know you worked here!” Dasom squealed out while she hugged his legs.

“Hi Princess! I just couldn’t wait another day to see you! And Dr. Park’s assistant had a baby last week, so Dr. Jin let me come over to help out. Plus, you know how much trouble Dr. Park gets into. Someone had to come keep him straight,” Taehyung explained as he hugged her.

They had gotten to know Taehyung pretty well as he had transferred up to the children’s unit shortly after their night in the emergency room. He still worked in the ER when they were short staffed, but he mostly worked in the inpatient unit for sick children. Since Dr. Park Jimin was the head of the children’s ward, Taehyung also floated over to the doctor’s office when needed. Somehow, just seeing his boxy grin and easy demeanor always put Hoseok and Dasom at ease; Dasom loved Taehyung and said he was her favorite nurse because he gives the best hugs. Taehyung took them back towards a room but stopped to weigh Dasom and measure her height.

“Princess, you have grown another inch since I saw you last! I’m going to give you a rock for a hat so you don’t get any bigger!” he teased before taking the rest of her vital signs.

Hoseok was a little surprised that Taehyung picked up Dasom and carried her while leading them to Dr. Park’s actual office instead of an exam room.

“Dr. Park wanted me to bring you in here instead of an exam room. He said he’d be in to speak with you in a few minutes. Make yourselves comfy. Do any of you want coffee or tea?” Taehyung asked. When they all refused, he patted Hoseok on the back and left the room, leaving the door slightly open.

They had only been sitting for a few minutes when Dr. Park came in. Hoseok always thought that if he’d met the man in a different setting, he’d have never known he was a doctor. Park Jimin was a bit shorter than Hoseok and had this habit of pushing his blonde hair back out of his eyes. He never wore a lab coat like most doctors Hoseok had ever met unless he was at the hospital, and then he just wore the lab coat over jeans and simple shirts. He had no qualms about kneeling in the floor to speak eye-to-eye with his young patients and his entire manner was soft and friendly. Children liked him and he was great with them. Not only was he great with his patients, but the man was truly brilliant. He had presented treatment options that Hoseok had never even heard of and had been willing to try anything. When Dr. Park came into the room, Dasom climbed out of Namjoon’s lap where she’d been doodling on the notepad that he always kept in his pocket to hug her doctor.

“Hello, Princess! I see that you brought in your royal guard and a new princess I don’t think I’ve met yet with you!”

“Oh Dr. Chim, that’s not a princess! That’s Unca Tookie, and you’ve met him before,” Dasom giggled.

“Well, don’t tell him I said so,” Dr. Park whispered conspiratorially to her, “but he makes a very pretty princess.”

Hoseok glanced over at Jungkook, who was blushing a bit and sneakily trying to remove the tiara from his hair and chuckled to himself.

“Princess, why don’t I take you to play with TaeTae for a little while? I need to talk to your Appa,” Dr. Park said before taking her hand and leading her out the door.

He was only gone for a few minutes, then came back and closed his office door. He shook each of their hands in greeting before sitting down behind his desk and opening up a folder that Hoseok hadn’t noticed before.

“Thank you for coming in at such short notice, Hoseok. I just didn’t want to dally in discussing this with you. As you know, we were hoping that the bone marrow transplant would help Dasom. I got her labs back this morning, and they were discouraging. While her white blood cell count is a little bit lower that it was before the transplant, it’s higher than it was during her last bloodwork. This tells me that it isn’t working,” Dr. Park paused at this point to look Hoseok in the eye. “You know that the transplant was the last-ditch effort we had to get ahead of this. I don’t have anymore tools on my belt that I can use to magically heal Dasom, and God knows I wish I did.”

Hoseok struggled to speak for a few minutes before finally choking out, “So what does this mean?”

Dr. Park ran his fingers through his hair, then stood and walked around his desk to take Hoseok’s hand before speaking again. “Hoseok-ssi, it means that with all of the efforts we’ve made to heal Dasom, none of it has worked. She is still very, very sick and there are no more options for treatment. We’ve tried them all.”

“Is she…please…is she dying? Is my baby going to die?” Hoseok stumbled over the words in his horror.

“I’m so sorry, but yes. I think she’s dying, Hoseok. I wanted to bring you in and talk to you about requesting some help for you. What do you think of Hospice?” Dr. Park said gently.

Hoseok couldn’t speak. His mouth fell open, but Jungkook spoke for him. “Isn’t Hospice for people who are going to die right away?”

“That is a misconception that a lot of people have. Hospice is designed for patients who are terminally ill and have a prognosis of living 6 months or less. While they won’t get better or heal really, the entire goal is for the patients to have the best possible quality of life and be comfortable in the end. Not only that, but you’d be able to keep Dasom at home throughout the process. She won’t have to be hospitalized again. I would still be her doctor and manage her care, but there would be other people involved. A nurse would come at least once a week and would be on-call 24 hours a day, a social worker would be available to you, and you would have access to 13 months of completely free bereavement care after Dasom dies. And that offer is for more than just you, Hoseok. It would be available to both Namjoon and Jungkook. They can also help arrange bereavement with your parents and sister through a Hospice nearby their homes.”

Hoseok crumpled under the weight of the shock. He couldn’t help but to fold in on himself. Dr. Park was still knelt down in front of him and holding both of his hands, but Hoseok’s head was nearly resting on his knees. He started to sob unintentionally; he had wanted so much to be strong for his baby girl, but he was so scared and devastated at this news. Before he realized what had happened, Dr. Park had released his hands and pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, Hoseok. I wish I could do more to help her,” he whispered into Hoseok’s ear.

When he finally calmed down enough to pull back from the doctor, he could see the tears streaking down Dr. Park’s own face. He was an amazing doctor, so compassionate and brilliant, but there were still limits to what he could do. He couldn’t work a miracle. And while Hoseok understood that in his mind, his heart was shattered.

“I’m sorry for breaking down. But she’s my whole world. I literally exist to be her father, so the thought that she’s going to die before me is incomprehensible to me,” Hoseok said while trying to wipe his tears away. “Since we can’t do anything else, I guess Hospice is the next best thing. I don’t want her to be in pain, and if she can be at home to pass, I think she’d be more comfortable.”

Dr. Park sucked in a stuttered breath then said, “Okay. I will make the referral today, so please expect a call in the next couple of days. A nurse and a social worker will come out to your home for that and begin to get to know you. And I will of course make visits occasionally to check in on Dasom.”

Hoseok listened to the rest of the things that Dr. Park said about Hospice services as if he were standing in a tunnel. The sound echoed around his head, but most of the words were lost. After a few minutes, Namjoon and Jungkook helped him to stand and walk out of the room. They found Dasom sitting in Taehyung’s lap reading a storybook just down the hall. A toy stethoscope was clipped around her neck over the top of her princess dress and she had a disposable cap on her head like the ones used for surgery.  Taehyung was doing silly voices for all of the characters in the story and Dasom was laughing along with him. Hoseok just stopped to stare at her, gripping onto Namjoon’s arm while he saw how lively she seemed in this moment. It took everything within him not to hit his knees right then.

“Hey, Seok? Why don’t Jungkook and I come over and help you make dinner for Dasom? I just want to help support you both,” Namjoon asked softly. Hoseok just nodded before approaching Taehyung and Dasom. As he got closer to her, she looked up at him with a huge smile on her face.

“Appa, are you all done with Dr. Chim?” she asked.

“Yeah, Darling. Let’s go home now. Uncle Joonie and Uncle Kookie are going to come over for dinner. Should we order something?” he replied as he picked her up.

He couldn’t resist hugging her to his chest, and when she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck, more tears slipped out of his eyes. Would this be one of the last times he was able to hold her? To see her smile? Hear her precious giggles?

 After Dasom and her family had left, Taehyung stepped in to check on Dr. Park. They were good friends outside of work, and Taehyung had suspected that whatever news had been delivered to Mr. Jung was not good; Taehyung knew that Jimin would not be handling it well. In fact, he had rescheduled all of his appointments for the rest of the day when the reports had come in.

When Taehyung got to the office door, he could hear the sobs. Jimin was such a tender-hearted soul that his patients affected him deeply. He slipped in the door to find Jimin with his head down on the desk, crying into his folded arms. Taehyung closed the door behind him, then went to kneel beside Jimin.

“What happened, Chim?” he asked gently.

“She’s dying, Tae. The bone marrow transplant didn’t work. Her labs are still terrible and there’s nothing else I can do. I had to bring her father in and suggest Hospice to him for his 3-year-old daughter. I’m a horrible doctor. I can’t help her!”

Taehyung pulled Jimin into a hug and squeezed him tightly. “You are the best doctor at this hospital, Chim. Seriously. You have helped so many sick children recover. And I know, Dasom is a special little girl and it sucks so much that she’s so sick, but you can only do so much. You have tried every single treatment available for her, including some non-conventional methods and nothing has worked. Maybe her candle was only meant to be lit for a short while. All we can do now is make sure she’s comfortable and as happy as she can be through the end. Are you going to do home visits for her?”

Jimin nodded against Taehyung’s shoulder. “Want me to go with you those days?” Taehyung asked. Jimin nodded again. “Okay. We will go together. And we will make sure that she is the happiest that she can be.”

 Y/n hated pediatric cases. They were always the worst. She had begun working as a Hospice nurse to help dying people pass in comfort and peace and to make them smile as often as possible, but most of her patients were elderly. They had all lived long, mostly joyful, lives and were tired of being sick. As she stared at the admission information for her new patient, her heart sank.

Jung Dasom, born 26 May 2015, is a 3-year-old female patient with Juvenile Myelomoncytic Leukemia. The patient has endured a variety of treatments, including various chemotherapies and a bone marrow transplant. The transplant slowed down the growth of the leukemia for a short time. The patient’s mother has revoked claim to all parental rights and should not be given any information whatsoever regarding the patient’s condition should she reach out or inquire. The primary caregiver for the patient is her father, Jung Hoseok, who runs a bookstore/coffee shop. Additional caregivers are the father’s business partner, Kim Namjoon, and his boyfriend, Jeon Jungkook; information regarding the patient’s condition can be shared freely with both. The patient’s grandparents and aunt live out of town but do visit regularly. Mr. Jung has given permission to also speak with both regarding the patient’s condition. Mr. Jung has expressed interest that the patient remain at home for the duration of her illness and not be hospitalized again. Primary physician is Dr. Park Jimin, who will continue to manage the patient’s care and should be contacted for any and all changes in the patient’s condition. Dr. Park plans to make regular home visits to the patient to monitor the progression of the disease.

Y/n had not been the nurse to admit the patient as she had been attending a visit for another patient’s death, so her colleague, Sara had gone.

“Hey Sara, I see you did the admission yesterday for my pediatric patient. How are things there?” Y/n asked.

“She’s an absolute doll. You will fall in love with her. She is still very happy and playful and doesn’t report pain often. She lost all of her hair from the chemo, and complains of nausea when she eats, so Dr. Park has her on some meds that she takes before meals. Her dad is a total sweetheart and is super hands on with her care. He’s absolutely devastated at the news but is trying to hold it together for Dasom. The entire scenario is horrific, and I’m so glad she’s your patient and not mine.”

 The night that they’d gone home from Dr. Park’s office, Namjoon had driven Hoseok’s car back to their apartment and Jungkook had followed behind with Dasom so that Namjoon and Hoseok could talk.

“I swear I never dreamed that she would die before me, Joon. The thought rips the breath out of my lungs. I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell her, but I think I have to,” Hoseok cried to his friend.

Namjoon had tears rolling down his cheeks by the time that he parked the car, but they had developed a bit of a plan. Namjoon and Jungkook would order in dinner and set the dining room table while Hoseok tried to explain things to Dasom. Before stepping out of the car, Namjoon reached over and squeezed Hoseok’s hand a couple of times to give him strength then wiped the tears from his face. They looked at each other and both took some deep breaths before stepping out of the car.

Jungkook and Dasom were singing “Baby Shark” again. Jungkook was doing a great job of keeping his energy up for Dasom for the moment, but Namjoon could see the sadness in his eyes.

“What sounds good for dinner, Somie?” Namjoon asked as they took the elevator up to their floor. “Jungkookie and I are going to order something yummy for us.”

She tapped her little index finger against her chin for a moment while she thought about it. “Can we have noodles?”

“Of course! We will order loads of noodles,” Jungkook replied with a soft smile.

“Can we have chicken too?” she asked.

“Yeah, we can order chicken too,” Namjoon said, also with a smile.

“When we get home, can you meet me in my bedroom with your puppy, Love? I want to talk to you for a few minutes before we have fun with Joonie and Kookie,” Hoseok asked her as he knelt before her as the elevator was nearing the 8th floor where their apartment was.

Dasom nodded then put her little hands on each of Hoseok’s cheeks and blew a raspberry on the tip of his nose. “Yes, Appa. We can talk,” she said as she giggled at the silly look on Hoseok’s face.

Hoseok stood then and held her hand as they exited the elevator. When they got to their apartment, Dasom kicked her shoes off beside the door and put them in their designated spot on the shoe rack before running down the hall to her room. Namjoon, Jungkook, and Hoseok all stepped into the kitchen after removing their own shoes. Namjoon and Jungkook stepped forward to hug Hoseok, but he held his hands up to stop them.

“If you hug me right now, I’ll lose it. And I have to keep it together to talk to her,” he explained before grabbing Dasom a juice box out of the refrigerator then heading towards his room.

When Hoseok opened his bedroom door, Dasom was already there. She was sitting in the middle of his bed with her puppy plushie in her lap, fidgeting about with his ears. When he heard the door open, she smiled at him. He put the straw in the juice box and handed it to her before sitting down in front of her.

“Dasom, I wanted to talk to you a little bit about our visit with Dr. Chim today. You know that you’ve been sick for a while and had surgery, right?” Hoseok paused for her to respond, and she simply nodded as she took a sip of juice. “Well, Dr. Chim talked to me today because the surgery didn’t do what it was supposed to, and you are still sick. Dr. Chim told me today that there is nothing else he can do to help you get better.”

“Appa, am I going to go to heaven?” Dasom asked softly.

“Yes, Baby. At some point soon, you will go to heaven. Dr. Chim is going to help us make sure that even though you are still sick, it won’t hurt, and it won’t be scary. I’ll be with you the whole time. So will Uncle Joonie and Uncle Kookie. Dr. Chim is also going to send us some new friends that will help us take care of you at home, so you won’t have to go to the hospital anymore.”

“Okay, Appa. Will I get to see TaeTae again?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll call Dr. Chim’s office tomorrow and see if TaeTae can come visit you sometimes.”

Hoseok had to stop talking because his voice got caught in his throat. He reached out and picked Dasom up and pulled her into his lap. She instantly snuggled into him and wrapped her little arms around him to hug him.

After a minute, she looked up at him and said, “Appa, I’m not scared to go to heaven. I just will miss you so much when I’m there. You are the best Appa in the world. I love you so, so much.”

Her words broke him more than he already was. Hoseok cried as he whispered back that he loved her several times.

“Appa, don’t cry. It’s going to be okay,” she said as she kissed his cheek. “Unca Joonie and Unca Tookie will take care of you when I get to heaven.”

 The minute Hoseok had walked out of the kitchen to speak with Dasom, Jungkook had lost it. He had been strong the whole time he drove so that Dasom wouldn’t realize how upset he was, but when Hoseok left the kitchen, Jungkook wrapped himself up in Namjoon’s arms and let his own tears fall. Namjoon held him as he shook in his arms until they heard the click of Hoseok’s bedroom door open. Jungkook pulled back from the hug and walked to the kitchen sink to splash some water on his face to clear out all of the tears from his cheeks.

Jungkook had just dried his face on Hoseok’s hand towel when Hoseok himself came around the corner. He took a deep breath before turning around and seeing Hoseok taking slow deep breaths.

“How’d it go?” Jungkook asked gently.

“Better than I thought. She said that she loved me and that she’s not scared to go to heaven and that you and Joonie would take care of me when she’s gone.” Hoseok whimpered, fighting hard against the pain in his chest. “I don’t want my baby to die.”

Jungkook started crying again with him as he pulled him into a hug. Namjoon draped his arms around both men, and they all stood there and cried together for a few minutes, before a small voice spoke up.

“Don’t be sad please. I don’t want you to be sad,” Dasom cried as she wiggled into the middle of the three men. “I don’t want you to cry because I’m sick.”

Their tears had made their favorite princess cry because she didn’t want them to be sad because of her. Jungkook picked her up and snuggled her into all three of them.

“I’m sorry, Princess. I’m just sad that I won’t get to see you anymore when you leave us. But I promise I won’t cry anymore.”

 Y/n called and scheduled an appointment to meet her new patient 2 days after she had been admitted to Hospice. She was a little nervous about meeting Dasom and her father, but her nerves were immediately put at ease by the man with the 1000-watt smile who greeted her at the door.

“Hi, my name is Y/n. Mr. Jung, I presume?”

“Oh please. Mr. Jung is my dad. Please call me Hoseok,” he said warmly as he shook her hand. “Dasom is playing in her room. Should I go get her?”

“There’s no need. We can chat with her in her room if that’s better,” Y/n said. She couldn’t help but smile back at Hoseok as he led her into the apartment and down the hallway on the right side of the living room.

“Can I carry something for you? You look like you have your hands full,” he asked.

“I’m okay. Thank you though. I lug my bag and computer around from place to place all day long, so I barely even notice it these days.”

Hoseok nodded, then led her into the little girl’s room at the end of the hall. Dasom was sitting in the floor in front of a dollhouse at the end of her bed playing with some tiny dolls, one of which she was currently putting into the tiny bathtub in the upstairs of the dollhouse. She was wearing a light blue cotton dress with a picture of a unicorn on the front and some pink house slippers. She had very little hair, just a bit of peach fuzz that had begun to grow in after her chemotherapy treatments had ended, but she had on a blue headband with a bright yellow flower attached to it. She looked up at them when they entered the room and her dark brown eyes twinkled brightly when she saw her father.

“Somie, this is Y/n. She is one of the new friends Dr. Chim sent to help us out here at home. She needs to check you over so she can report back to Dr. Chim,” he explained as he introduced Y/n to the little girl.

“Hi Y/n! I’m Dasom. Are you friends with TaeTae?” she asked.

“TaeTae is Dr. Park’s assistant. His name is actually Taehyung, but Dasom gave him his own nickname because she loves him so much. He’s her favorite nurse,” Hoseok explained with a smile at the confused expression on Y/n’s face.

“Oh okay. No, I don’t know TaeTae yet, but I’m sure I will meet him soon since I’ll be calling Dr. Chim on a regular basis. Can you sit on your bed for me? I just need to take your temperature and your blood pressure.”

Dasom was completely unbothered by the discomfort of the blood pressure cuff as Y/n took her blood pressure. She was quiet until Y/n finished taking her blood pressure then she chattered about random things as Y/n continued her assessment.

“Dasom, do you hurt anywhere? Do you feel okay today?”

“No, nothing hurts today. I had a headache yesterday, but Appa gave me medicine and it helped. I haven’t thrown up in 3 whole days!” she replied excitedly.

After doing a physical examination, Y/n and Hoseok left Dasom to play with her dollhouse as they chatted a bit more in the living room. Y/n sat down on the sofa in front of a coffee table to chart on the visit on her computer and speak a bit more with Hoseok. Hoseok brought her over a cup of hot tea to sip as they talked more.

“Thank you so much for this,” Y/n said as she took a sip. “I just wanted to sit down with you and answer any questions you might have about Hospice, Dasom’s illness, or any concerns you have. I’m planning on visiting twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays. Since Dasom is so young, I just want to be present a bit more to get ahead of any symptoms that come up. I also want to be here to support you as much as I can.”

“I appreciate that very much. My best friends, Namjoon and Jungkook, will probably be here at times when you come so that I can work. My priority is Dasom, but on the days that she feels okay, I try to go to the bookshop to help Namjoon. I can do quite a bit of work from home since I do most of the bookkeeping and ordering of supplies, but it helps to get out some.”

“That’s understandable. I can call you and give you an update or leave you a note if you prefer on days you can’t be here. I have some families that keep a journal of sorts to write down their questions for me and for me to leave notes for them. We also have a nurse on call every night. If you have any issues, please call and someone can either give you instructions by phone or will come out as needed. I’m regularly on call as well, so sometimes if you call, you might speak with me.”

They chatted a bit more and Y/n could tell that Hoseok was a bit nervous, but she tried her best to assuage his fears. “I know this seems super overwhelming at the moment, but I will be by your side throughout this process. Death and dying seems like such a foreign process to most people, but I will be here every step of the way to help manage her symptoms and help you know what to expect as we go along. Don’t worry about that part though. For now, I just want you to take things day by day and enjoy spending time with your daughter.”

 Months passed before anything really changed. Dasom had good days when Hoseok could barely tell she was sick, and she played and laughed and grew. Other days were worse. She complained of headaches more often, and her nausea was harder to control. There were days she couldn’t even keep water down she was so nauseated, and she would cry and beg him to make it better. Those days were hell for Hoseok because he couldn’t make it better for his baby as much as he wished he could. Y/n was an angel throughout everything, and Dasom had taken to her as quickly as she had taken to Taehyung. It was so reassuring to Hoseok that she came on a regular schedule, every Tuesday and Friday. It was also so good to know that if something went badly during the middle of the night, he had someone he could call right away for help.

When they had first been admitted to Hospice, they had been given a special packet of medications that were tailored to Dasom that Y/n called an emergency kit. It was a set of medications that were often needed during end of life care for patients and kept in the home so that they were on hand if needed. The dosages and medications had been modified from what was typically given in a standard emergency kit because Dasom was too young to be given doses of that size of some medications or needed alternate medications altogether. This kit was kept in a high cabinet in the kitchen where Dasom couldn’t access it but was handy if something was needed. While Hoseok hoped they’d never have to use it, there was something so comforting about knowing it was there.

Hoseok never anticipated that things were going downhill until the floor collapsed from beneath him. He was out at the shop doing some work there since Dasom had been doing wonderfully for 2 weeks. She’d felt good and had been able to eat normally and play. Her hair had finally begun to grow back in earnest and she currently had the equivalent of a cute pixie cut. She still wore her hats and headbands that Jungkook had gotten her, and he’d bought several more since then. Since she had been so well, Hoseok felt safe with leaving her with Jungkook for a few hours while he worked in the shop knowing that Jungkook would call the second anything happened. It was nearly 4 in the afternoon on a Thursday, and Hoseok was shelving the newest batch of best-sellers he had ordered when his phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Seok, its Jungkook. I think you need to come home and have Namjoon follow you. Dasom was fine up until after lunch. She said she was tired and fell asleep on my chest watching Frozen. That was at 12, and I’m having trouble waking her up. When I try, she opens her eyes a little, says, ‘So tired, Unca Took,’ then conks back out. I’m worried.”

That was all it took to bring the walls of a normal day shattering around Hoseok. Namjoon immediately closed the shop and they left to head home. While he was driving, Hoseok called Y/n to update her on Dasom.

 Y/n was leaving another patient’s home when she got the call from Hoseok, and she could tell he was panicking. She promised him that she’d meet him at their apartment. She got there just before he did since she had only been a few blocks away. Jungkook answered the door holding Dasom to his chest, and Y/n could see the fear in his large, bright eyes.

“Y/n! I’m so glad you’re here. Dasom isn’t really waking up and she’s breathing kind of funny,” he said. “She fell asleep on my chest and I’ve just been holding her so she wouldn’t be scared.”

Y/n instantly noticed that Dasom was a bit paler than usual. She naturally had her father’s golden skin, and it was a bit disquieting to see her so pale. Y/n convinced Jungkook to carry her down the hall to her bedroom and lay her on her bed. Several weeks ago, they had switched Dasom’s toddler bed out for a hospital bed so that they would be able to elevate the head of the bed as needed. Jungkook and Y/n got her settled in the bed and laid her favorite blanket over her lap. The whole time, Y/n noticed that her breathing was starting to be a bit more rapid than was normal but had begun to have periods where she stopped breathing altogether for a few seconds. Y/n was able to rouse her a tiny bit, but she instantly went back to sleep after finishing her sentence. Y/n was taking her temperature when Hoseok ran down the hall with Namjoon hot on his heels.

“What’s happening?” Hoseok asked, panicking a bit at the way his daughter looked. In his eyes, she already looked dead because of the pallor of her skin, but he could see her staggered breathing.

“Please, sit down, all of you. This might be a lengthy conversation,” Y/n said as soothingly as she could. Jungkook stepped and grabbed two chairs from the dining room table for himself and for Namjoon to sit in, while Hoseok opted to sit on the edge of Dasom’s bed.

“Thank you. I don’t want you to think I’m being unsympathetic of the situation or being harsh. I just need to speak honestly with you, so you all understand what’s happening. Dasom has been such a strong girl, but her body may be starting to give out. She may start to sleep a lot more than is usual for her and she may not breathe normally. Her heart rate might speed up and she could have periods where she doesn’t breathe at all; you may hear me call that periods of apnea. She may also start to have constant fevers. This will just get worse and worse until eventually she stops breathing altogether. Now, I would love to be able to tell you how long something like this will take, but I simply don’t know. She could also have several days in between where she will have more energy and be more awake; these periods are called rallies. She is rallying her energy up to take care of any business she may have and to say anything she needs to say to you. I will start to come more often for a while because I want to be here for you. I’ll also call Dr. Park to update him. He will probably call you to make a visit.”

Y/n’s heart was breaking with these three men. While Namjoon and Jungkook were not related to Dasom at all, this child might as well have had 3 fathers with as much time as they spent with her. Over the nearly 5 months she had been taking care of Dasom, she had rarely had a visit where only Hoseok was present. She had even come when Taehyung and Dr. Park had been there a few times. Everyone that she came into contact fell in love with this little girl, Y/n included. If her father’s smile was bright as the sun and his heart just as warm, his daughter’s smile was brighter and her heart warmer. As sick as she was, she always wanted to know that the people around her were happy, and she spoke wise words for such a small child.

While Y/n would never breathe a word of this to anyone, she had suspected that this was coming soon. Dasom’s birthday had been a week ago, and Y/n had visited the day before her birthday party. Her birthday had fallen on a Thursday, but she had wanted everyone she loved to visit for her birthday on Saturday, Y/n included. Hoseok stepped away to take a call as Y/n was finishing up listening to Dasom’s lungs.

“Y/n-ie, will you promise me something?” Dasom asked solemnly while her father was distracted.

“Of course, Love. What can I promise you?”

“Promise me to take care of my Appa. I love him very much, but I’m scared for him when I go to heaven. I’ve been hearing angels say my name when I’m sleeping, and I know I’m going to heaven soon. You’ve taken such good care of me. Will you take care of him too?” she asked.

Y/n blinked away tears before speaking again. “Yes, Somie, I promise. I will help take care of your Appa. I will help Namjoonie and Jungkookie. We will make sure he is okay when it’s time for you to go.” After securing that promise, she returned to her usual happy, giggling self as Hoseok came back into the room apologizing for his rudeness at having to take the call.

All 3 men in her presence were crying after Y/n explained what was happening in Dasom’s body. Namjoon was crying hard into Jungkook’s shoulder. Hoseok had climbed into the bed with his baby and wrapped his body around hers protectively. He had pulled her into his arms and was crying into the top of her head as quietly as he could. Y/n herself was struggling not to sob with these men who were watching this whole thing.

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the living room and call Dr. Park,” Y/n said before walking quickly from the room.

Y/n took her phone into the kitchen and dialed the number to the doctor’s office.

“Thank you so much for calling Seoul Pediatrics and Youth Care. My name is Taehyung. How can I help?”

“Hey Tae. It’s Y/n. I’m here with Dasom. Is Dr. Park around?”

“Hey Y/n! He just stepped out of an exam room. I’ll call him over,” Taehyung said happily.

“You might want to send him to his office, Tae. I don’t have good news.” Y/n’s voice broke at the end of the sentence and tears started flowing in earnest.

“Oh no! Let me put you on hold a minute, and we’ll both pick up in there,” Taehyung said before the overly cheery hold music started.

 Taehyung and Jimin had closed the door to Jimin’s office and picked up the call on speakerphone. Taehyung had warned him as well as he could that the news was grim, so Jimin had tried to steel himself for the call.

“Y/n, this is Dr. Park. What’s happening with Dasom?”

Jimin’s hands were shaking as Y/n relayed that Dasom was experiencing states of heavy sleep and semi-consciousness, periods of apnea, and she already had a fever.

“I think you’re right, Y/n. It does sound like she’s approaching end of life. I have 2 more appointments, but could you please let Hoseok know that Tae and I would like to stop by?”

At the end of the call, Jimin looked up at Taehyung’s glassy eyes and swallowed hard. He couldn’t even speak for a few minutes, so he squeezed Taehyung’s hand and they just sat there in silence composing themselves to endure the rest of the afternoon.

 Before she left that afternoon, Y/n kissed Dasom on the forehead softly and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Sweet Girl.”

Hoseok, Jungkook, and Namjoon all walked with her to the door. They were all still crying a little bit, but she hugged them all tightly before picking up her laptop case and bag.

“Dr. Park and Taehyung will be here in a bit, and I’m on call tonight. If anything happens, please call me, okay? I don’t care if it’s 3 am.”

 As much as he wanted to hurry to see Dasom, Jimin knew that he had to keep his head in the right place. Lucky for him, his final patients of the day were just general check-ups on a pair of siblings who were getting over the flu. He put on a smile and made sure that the pair were recovering appropriately. Their lungs were clear, so it had not turned into pneumonia. He sent them on their way with instructions to rest and keep up the increased liquids for a few days before going back to school.

Once his final patients left, Jimin charted the visits using his laptop then nearly bowled his receptionist over as she came around the corner. “Eunwoo, Taehyung and I are going to see Dasom. Her Hospice nurse called earlier, and it sounds like she’s dying. I may need you to reschedule some appointments for the day of the funeral.”

 Taehyung insisted on driving to the Jungs’ apartment. He and Jimin had been taking turns, but he knew that Jimin would be upset when they left this visit, and he didn’t want him taking a chance. They put on some soft classical music for the drive just for background noise.

“You ready for this, Chim?” Taehyung asked gently as he backed his car into a parking place at Hoseok’s apartment building.

“No. Not at all, but it’s part of my job, Tae.”

Neither of them spoke again until they were standing outside the door of the apartment. Taehyung squeezed Jimin’s hand and whispered, “Let’s go say goodbye to the Princess.”

 After Y/n had left, they all just stared at each other for a second. Hoseok was completely in shock. His baby had been fine yesterday, and today she was dying. He lifted his left hand and pinched himself hard to see if he was dreaming, but he didn’t wake up; this nightmare was very real.

“Can I have just a few minutes alone with her?” Jungkook asked softly through his tears.

“Of course, Kook,” Hoseok replied, waving him towards her room.

 Jungkook sat down on the side of the bed as close as he could get to her, and just looked at her. The first time he had met this beautiful girl, she’d been barely 10 months old toddling about the café at the bookshop on wobbly legs while holding onto Namjoon’s fingers. It was the first time he’d been in the shop, and she had taken one look at him and abandoned Namjoon. She’d reached up to him with a sweet smile and upheld hands, saying, “Up peez.” He hadn’t been able to resist her then and he couldn’t now. He loved her so much and she lit his life up so much. Dasom had lived the meaning of her name in every sense of the word. Hoseok had named her well: Love is what she truly was.

“Somie, its Uncle Kookie. I just want you to know how much I love you. I know you don’t remember the first time I saw you, and how you wanted me to pick you up even then, but you won me over that day,” Jungkook spoke softly to her through his sobs. “I love you very, very much, Princess. I want you to know that I will watch out for Joonie and your Appa, so please don’t worry about leaving him behind. We will make sure he will be okay. When it’s time for you to be our guardian angel, let go and fly.”

Jungkook kissed her gently on the cheek and stumbled out of the room. He couldn’t see through his tears, but he didn’t have far to go before Hoseok was hugging him tight. They were still standing at the head of the hallway sobbing into each other’s arms when Namjoon answered the door to let Dr. Park and Taehyung in.

 Jimin and Taehyung went together back to Dasom’s room. She was peacefully lying in the bed, but her breathing was very shallow when they entered the room. Jimin could feel his heart break and the pieces leapt up into his throat as he sat down on her bed beside her. He took his stethoscope from around his neck and listened to her heartbeat. It was definitely beating at a higher rate than normal as her little body desperately struggled to ward off the leukemia in her veins.

Hoseok had excused himself to the bathroom for a few minutes to try to calm down before coming into the room, so they were alone with her.

“Hi Princess! It’s TaeTae. I needed to come see your beautiful face one more time. I know that you are about to become a star in the sky, so I wanted to ask you a favor. When you get there, please go find my grandma and give her a hug for me. Then, both of my favorite ladies will be together. I know you’ll be looking down on us. Your family is going to be fine; I promise. Your Appa is a good, strong man, and he will be okay. I’ll miss seeing your smiling face,” Taehyung murmured to her softly before kissing her forehead gently. After speaking his gentle goodbye to her, he squeezed Jimin’s shoulder as he left the room to check on Hoseok.

Jimin had a much more difficult time finding words to say, so for a moment he just sat quietly and held her small hand in his own and thought back over the time since Jin had referred her to him as a patient.

“Dasom, it’s Dr. Chim. I just came by to check on you. Y/n called me and told me that you weren’t doing so well. You don’t seem to be in any pain, which is good,” he paused a moment when the tears started streaming down his face. “I’m sorry, Dasom. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to help you get better,” he whispered to her before rushing out of the room.

 Hoseok felt like he had no more tears left to cry. He had wept out every molecule of fluid in his body in the hours since Jungkook had called him. Namjoon and Jungkook had opted to spend the night, and Hoseok had told them to sleep in his room and he’d wake them if anything happened. He had planned to curl up in bed around Dasom so if she needed him, he’d be right there. He laid down beside her in her hospital bed and brushed his fingertips gently over her forehead. It was almost as if she sensed him since she curled up to him at that gentle touch and snuggled closer to his chest. He drifted off to a fitful sleep as soon as she settled down into his arms.

Sometime later, he woke up to her tiny hands touching his face. He opened his eyes to see her looking up at him and stroking his cheeks and the shape of his nose.

“Hi Appa,” she said softly.

“Hi, Baby.”

“I’m sorry I woke you up but I needed to see you one more time. I love you, Appa. Please don’t be sad, but it’s almost time for me to go,” she said with a soft smile.

“I’m so glad you woke me up, Somie,” he cried, trying to smile at her through the tears dripping down his cheeks.

“Can you see them, Appa? Can you see the angels? They’re so pretty.”

“I can’t see them, Darling. But they aren’t here for me,” he whispered to her. “You can go with them if they ask you to, okay? Please don’t stay for me. I’ll be alright.”

She just nodded and wiped his tears away with her little hands. After a few more minutes, she laid her head on his chest and put her arm around his waist. She drifted off to a deep sleep soon after, but Hoseok couldn’t bring himself to sleep anymore. He watched and counted every breath she took that night, and just held her small body to his chest for the last time. Just as the dawn was breaking and light was peeking through her window across their faces, Dasom took her last breath.

 Namjoon woke up to Hoseok’s nearly screaming sobs confused as to where he was, but when he opened his eyes, everything came smashing back in on him.

“Jungkook, get up! Something’s wrong,” he said as he flung the blankets back and grabbed his cell phone from the bedside table.

Namjoon practically ran down the hall to find Hoseok holding Dasom to his chest, sobbing and begging her to wake up. She looked like the fairest china doll he’d ever seen and she wasn’t moving, even with her father being as loud as he was.

“Oh my god. Seok, please, you have to calm down. We have to call Y/n,” Namjoon said soothingly as he reached out for his friend.

At that moment, Jungkook slipped past him into the room and wrapped his arms around Hoseok. “I got this, Joon. Go call her.”

Namjoon stepped into the living room and dialed Y/n’s familiar number. She answered on the second ring even though it was still super early.

“Hey, Y/n. It’s Namjoon. We need you to come. Please…I think…” he stopped to breathe in for a moment before he could continue. “I think Dasom is gone. Hobi is holding her and is nearly hysterical begging her to wake up.”

“Oh no. I’ll be right over, Namjoon. Just give me 20 minutes to drive there.”

After disconnecting the call, Namjoon stood in the living room trying to steel himself a bit. Hoseok wasn’t screaming anymore, but Namjoon could still hear his sobs echoing down the hallway. He was afraid they were going to have to sedate Hoseok to get him to let go of Dasom’s body at this point. Luckily, they’d already planned a basic service back when Hospice was called so that Hoseok could just mourn when Dasom passed instead of having to make major decisions. Namjoon took a few more deep breaths then walked back down the hall.

Jungkook had managed to get Hoseok to lay Dasom back down on her bed. After he put her down, it was almost as if all the bones in his body disintegrated and left the man in a crumple on the floor. Jungkook was wrapped around him trying to offer some measure of comfort while he was crying himself. Namjoon knelt down beside both of them and whispered that Y/n was on her way and she’d be here soon. When he heard Namjoon’s voice, Hoseok unfurled from Jungkook’s embrace and moved to Namjoon’s instead.

“Joonie, I thought we had more time. Can I go with her? Please? Please let me be with my baby,” Hoseok begged as he buried his face in Namjoon’s chest and fisted the sides of his shirt.

“Seok, I’m so sorry. It’s not the same, but we loved her too, and we will be with you every step of the way. I promise you that Kook and I will take care of you until you can stand again, okay?”

Before they could talk anymore, the doorbell rang. Jungkook got up and went to let Y/n in. Hoseok took a few deep breaths as he listed to Namjoon’s deep voice assuring that he wasn’t alone in the hellscape that his life had become and was no longer sobbing. Tears were still raining out of his eyes, but his chest had apparently finished caving in because there were no wracking screams or sobs leaving his mouth.

 Y/n had expected this to be a horrible death visit. She had known that when she had to officially pronounce Dasom, Hoseok was not going to do well. And what father out there would do well with having to bury their 4-year-old?

The scene she walked into was worse than she’d dreamed. Hoseok was curled in a ball on the floor, shirtless and bare feet, but flannel clad knees pulled to his chest and his bare back pressed against the rails of Dasom’s hospital bed. He was crying into his best friend’s chest and Namjoon was crying too. Jungkook’s face had been red from crying too when he answered the door for her, and she had been able to hear Hoseok’s screams during Namjoon’s phone call. She dropped her bag inside the door and knelt in front of the two men in her black scrubs, gently rubbing Namjoon’s back.

“Hoseok? Can you look at me?” she asked softly.

He leaned back from Namjoon and launched himself into her arms when she offered a hug. “I’m so sorry, Hoseok. Was she comfortable?”

He nodded for a second before speaking. “She woke me up a few hours ago rubbing my face. She told me she loved me then asked if I could see the angels. After we talked, she fell back asleep and I just held her over my heart and watched her leave me. Oh my god, Y/n, bring my baby back. Please! I need you to bring her back!”

Y/n just sat down in the floor then, scooting the fully broken father in between her legs and brought his head to her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him and held him and let him cry for a bit, knowing that he just needed to get a bit of the grief out of his system. After a bit, she could feel his hysteria starting to slow down a bit, and she moved her hands to his shoulders to pull him back to look at him. He had stopped crying, but big tears where still standing on the apples of his cheeks and his eyes looked so incredibly lost.

“Hoseok, I’m going to stand up now and do the part I have to do for Hospice, okay? I have to officially pronounce that she’s gone. Do you want to stay while I do?” she murmured to him.

When he shook his head slightly, Y/n stood then let Namjoon lead Hoseok into the living room to sit him down. Jungkook remained behind, still crying, but softly mentioning that he knew which outfit that she should be buried in. He had gone to the closet and chosen Dasom’s favorite glittery purple princess dress and matching tiara. He laid it beside her on the bed and held her tiny, now cold hand as Y/n listened with her stethoscope for just a few minutes. Dasom was definitely gone, and Y/n officially pronounced her at 6:47 am. Y/n hugged Jungkook and left the room to give him a moment alone with Dasom before going into the living room and checking on the others.

Hoseok was beginning to succumb to the emotional exhaustion already, but his breathing had begun to return to a stuttered normal where he had wept so hard. Y/n hugged Namjoon and whispered that Jungkook wanted a moment to say goodbye alone, before turning to Hoseok. She crouched down before him where he was crumpled onto the sofa and took his hands before speaking.

“I’m all finished with her. Jungkook picked out her final outfit. I just wanted to see if you are ready for me to call the funeral director. It’s okay if you aren’t,” she said in a soothingly gentle voice.

Hoseok took a deep breath and nodded. “I think so. I can’t bear the thought of her getting cold though. Can we wrap her in a blanket?”

“Is there a certain one you want to wrap her in?”

“There is a purple one at the end of her bed. Its super soft. That’s the one she always wanted when she felt bad,” he whispered.

“Do you want me to do it? Or do you want to help?”

“I can’t. I don’t want to remember the way she looks cold and lifeless. I want to remember my happy, giggly baby.” Hoseok whimpered.

Jungkook had come back into the room when Y/n stood to go back and wrap a blanket around Dasom. Namjoon’s face was pressed into his chest and they were softly crying together. Y/n smiled sadly at them before heading down the hallway. She found the blanket easily enough that Hoseok had wanted her wrapped in. Y/n gently picked the tiny body up and held her to her chest as she spread the blanket out with one hand. She swaddled Dasom’s lifeless body in the blanket as if she were a large infant, then kissed her on the forehead.

“Bye, Baby Girl. I’ll keep my promise to you. I’ll take good care of your Appa,” she whispered before calling the funeral director.

 For Hoseok, time seemed to stop. He had no idea what day it was or how long it had been since Dasom had died. He knew that it couldn’t have been any more than a week, but he felt like his life had stopped the same moment hers had. Namjoon and Jungkook refused to leave him alone for any length of time and they’d practically moved in at this point. Hoseok only slept when the crippling sadness and exhaustion made him stagger down the hallway to Dasom’s room where he’d collapse into the “big girl bed” that she’d used for maybe two weeks before it had been replaced by a hospital bed. The only time he could sleep was when he was wrapped up in the sheets that still vaguely smelled of her baby powder scent with her stuffed puppy squeezed to his chest. In those moments, he could pretend that she was just across town with her Unca Joon and Unca Tookie and he could pick her up.

Hoseok is unsure how he survived the funeral. He remembers standing by the too small casket in a borrowed suit, locking his knees to remain on his feet, and shaking the hands of everyone he knew. He remembers his mother and sister crying softly beside him in the visitation line, and his father struggling to not let the tears fall. He remembers the pastor saying a few words and the prayers before they closed the casket. He remembers Namjoon holding him back from tackling the funeral director who closed the lid and to keep him from collapsing as he begged them not close his baby in a box. He remembers Y/n being there too and standing beside him at his insistence at the graveside service, the death grip he had on her hand, and he remembers the sweet amber scent of her perfume keeping him from going insane when they lowered the tiny casket into the hole in the ground. And he remembers Jungkook wrapping his arms around him and hiding his face in Jungkook’s chest when they started shoveling the dirt back over his daughter’s grave.

After the funeral, Namjoon and Jungkook drove him back home while his parents followed behind. His mother and sister came in and began trying to cook away the pain in their chests. They cooked enough food to feed nearly the entire Korean army it seemed. They made Hoseok sit down at the table in front of all the food, but he just stared at the chopsticks and the dishes like he’d never seen them before. After a few minutes, Namjoon helped him walk into his bedroom, and for the first time since they’d graduated college, Namjoon helped Hoseok change clothes and helped him into his bed. Hoseok just stared at him with empty eyes for a few minutes.

“Hey, Seok, I’m going to step into the kitchen and grab you a bottle of water. Then I’ll come lay down with you for a while, okay?” Namjoon told him.

When Namjoon came back, Jungkook came with him and they each curled their bodies around Hoseok’s and wrapped their arms around him. They both knew that he wasn’t doing well and wanted to provide as much support as possible. When they enveloped him in their arms, Hoseok shattered again. He cried these terrible sobs that sounded like they were scraping the inside of his chest out and left his voice raspy and broken. Namjoon and Jungkook looked into each other’s tear-filled eyes and knew that they were in for a long road.

 Over the next several weeks, Hoseok walked around an empty shell of the father he had been. He found himself searching the apartment for Dasom sometimes, then breaking down when he remembered he’d never find her again. After a while, he threw himself into work so that he wouldn’t have to come home until late. Namjoon and Jungkook practically moved in with him for the first 3 weeks after the funeral until Hoseok had insisted that he was okay and that he needed to bite the bullet and get used to his childless house alone. The first night they had relented and gone home, Namjoon called him every hour to make sure he was still okay. At midnight, Jungkook had turned Namjoon’s ph0ne completely off so he’d give Hoseok some space.

Hoseok needed time alone to remember his daughter and try to come to terms with her death. While he did take advantage of some of the bereavement services that were offered, he never felt totally comfortable speaking with a gentleman who had never even met Dasom about her life and the giant black hole her death had created in his chest. So, he worked. He worked nearly 90 hours a week for practically a month after Namjoon and Jungkook had returned home. He needed something to fill all the time he had designated for caring for Dasom. It helped him to be so exhausted at the end of the day that he could fall into bed and sleep immediately without feeling any of the sorrow that had consumed him.

Just 2 short months after Dasom’s funeral, Jungkook had needed to attend an out of town conference primarily for gamers. He had reserved a booth there nearly a year in advance, before Dasom had ever gotten sick. Hoseok insisted that he’d be fine and that Namjoon should go with Jungkook, so they’d reluctantly agreed. They left on a Friday morning and were slated to return on the following Tuesday. Hoseok worked in the shop diligently, but the problem came on Sunday. The shop was always closed on Sundays, and he was so far ahead on work that he had nothing he could do on that day, so he was stuck at home. He did well until dinnertime that night. He had thrown himself into doing some research into some less well-known authors in the area that he wanted to feature in the shop and planning a display.

When he realized that he should eat dinner, he warmed up leftovers from the night before and decided to have a glass of wine. A single glass of wine with dinner became a bottle and a half as he tried to drown the ache in his chest. Before he knew it, he was completely inebriated after having finished the second bottle. In his drunken grief-stricken hysteria, Hoseok lost it completely.

 It was 2 am on Monday morning when Y/n’s phone rang. She had kept her promise to Dasom and kept in regular contact with Hoseok. He had been doing okay, or so he portrayed to everyone else, but Y/n had a little more experience with the cycles of grief. She knew that he was putting on a good mask, but it would crumble sooner or later.

“Hello?”

“Hi Y/n, is ‘oseok. Can you come over? I can’t find Dasom.”

“Hobi, honey, how much have you had to drink?” she asked softly. He was mumbling a lot and slurring his words.

“Um…I don’t know? A bottle or two of that red wine Joon likes?”

“Oh wow. Um…yeah. I’ll be over in a little bit, okay? Can you make sure the door is unlocked?”

Hoseok hung up after promising he’d unlock the door. While she was not sure what had led up to this, she got up and dressed in leggings and a comfortable sweater to head over. She didn’t know what she’d find, but she knew she had a long night ahead of her. Luckily, she had the next 3 days off from work after her weekend on call.

 When Y/n got to the apartment, she knocked lightly at the door before entering. Luckily, Hoseok had kept his word and the door was unlocked. She paused at the door to remove her shoes and smiled softly when she saw Dasom’s tiny pink house slippers still sitting on the mat beside the door.

“Hoseok?” she called as she walked through the living room. He wasn’t in the kitchen or the living room.

“In here,” he replied, followed by the distinctive sound of vomiting.

She found him, in nothing but his boxer briefs, knelt in front of the toilet in his master bathroom. The skin of his shoulders and up his neck was flushed from the alcohol and from getting sick from drinking too much. Y/n knelt down beside him and rubbed his back softly for a moment before speaking.

“Oh Hobi,” she murmured. She stood and wet a washcloth in cool water and placed it over the back of his neck, before heading toward the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and some painkillers.

“Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me,” he begged when he had a moment of a break between heaving.

“I’m just going to the kitchen, Hobi. I’ll be right back, okay?”

When he nodded, she quickly gathered the water and medication and placed them on his bedside table. Then, she turned back his bedsheets and fluffed the pillow on the side of the bed closest to the bathroom door before joining him in the bathroom. She found him sitting with his back against the cool porcelain of the bathtub with his head tilted back and his eyes closed. She wet another washcloth and gently used it to wash some of the sweat off of his face. He tilted his face into her touch, and tears slipped out of his closed eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered. “I just wanted to not feel so much hurt.”

“Hoseok, I wish I could help more with that. I hate seeing you hurt so much, but the only thing that will help is time. In time, you will be able to look back on the memories of your baby girl and smile at the light she was instead of sobbing. But for now, sob when you need to.” When she spoke, he opened his eyes and looked at her for a moment. His eyes were glossy with tears and the alcohol coursing through his system. “You feel okay to walk to bed?”

He nodded, so Y/n helped him stand and stood with him while he brushed his teeth. She took the washcloth from the back of his neck and hung it over the side of the tub. When he was ready, she wrapped her arm around his waist to make sure he’d stay steady until he got to the bed. He seemed to have begun to sober up a bit after being sick, so she helped him lay down and tucked him under the blankets. She turned to walk out of the bedroom, but he grabbed her arm.

“Please…don’t leave me. Stay?”

She just nodded, and he shuffled over in the bed to make room for her. She laid down beside him and turned off the lamp.

“Y/n? Could you hold me?” he asked softly.

“Of course, Hobi. Come here,” she whispered back. When she opened her arms to him, he curled into her and put his head on her chest. She could feel him crying and shaking a bit, so she hummed a song and rubbed his back soothingly until he fell asleep.

 It was several hours later when Hoseok woke up. The first thing he noticed was that his head was throbbing. After a few moments, the memories of the wine, vomiting, and Y/n came back to him. His eyes flew open, and he was a little surprised to find himself alone in his bed. He remembered her holding him until he fell asleep and the little song she was humming to him. Hoseok gingerly sat on the edge of the bed and saw the water and medication on the bedside table. He took it and walked into his bathroom to brush his teeth again. He pulled on some lounge pants and a white tee shirt before walking into the living room.

“Y/n?” he called.

“I’m in the kitchen!”

He walked toward his kitchen and saw her propped against the sink with her phone pressed to her ear, and ingredients for a possible breakfast spread across the counter.

“He’s okay, I promise, Joon. You had to know that this was bound to happen eventually, right?” she said with a smile into the phone. Hoseok could hear Namjoon’s voice murmuring on the line, probably fretting over him. “Namjoonie, I’m a nurse. He called the best possible person. Besides, he was puking his guts out when I got here, so I’m pretty sure he learned his lesson. And with the way he’s squinting at me right now, I’d say he has a hangover from hell…Yeah, you do that. See you soon.”

She hung up the phone before turning to Hoseok. “Think you can handle some breakfast?” she asked.

“Nothing much. I don’t think I could handle the smell of eggs or anything like that cooking.”

Y/n just nodded and popped some bread in the toaster before turning to pour him a cup of coffee. He handed him the coffee mug before pouring her own. When he added milk to his, she giggled, sipping her own coffee black.

“Wanna talk about it?” she asked when the toast popped up. She spread just a bit of peanut butter on the slice before cutting it in half and handing it to him before treating the second slice the same way for herself. “The peanut butter is high in protein and will help take the edge off the hangover.”

He thanked her before sitting down on the stool behind the kitchen counter. He took a small bite of the toast and chewed thoughtfully before speaking. “Thank you for coming last night. I know you didn’t have to, so it means a lot that you cared enough to come check up on me then stay over.”

“Hobi, I care about you. Of course I would have come when you called.”

 That night was the only night he tried to drink his pain away. He had learned that it just made him feel worse in the long run. He began to simply take it a day at a time and tried not to work so much. Around nine months after Dasom’s death, Hoseok finally decided that he needed to clean out her room. Leaving everything like she was just going to come back was making it so much harder to heal. Plus he wanted to donate some of her things to the children’s ward. He had called and spoken with Taehyung to see what they needed, and he had a list of the things he could take them. Once he had decided, he called Y/n to see if she could help. They had begun talking more often since the night that he’d called her in a drunken stupor, and he considered her a good friend. He knew that Namjoon and Jungkook wouldn’t be able to hold it together in cleaning out her things, but Y/n would be. Something about her was soothing to Hoseok, and he just couldn’t put his finger on it.

Y/n came over early on a Saturday morning to help Hoseok empty out Dasom’s room. They had several boxes to fill. Hoseok had already removed the bed and had labeled each of the boxes. One box was to be taken to a local shelter that helped women and children who were escaping domestic violence situations, one box was to be taken to Dr. Park’s office for the children’s ward, a small box for things that Hoseok wanted to keep, and another small box of things to give to Namjoon and Jungkook. Hoseok had already taken all of the tiny hats and headbands that Dasom had collected to Dr. Park’s office except for one. The tiara she had worn the day that they had gotten the news that she was dying was in the box for Jungkook. He had asked for that one, since he knew it was her favorite and it was the one Dasom would always clip in his hair. Hoseok had moved her yellow puppy plushie into his room. It sat on his bed all day amongst his blankets and pillows so he could squeeze it tightly the days he missed her so much he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Hoseok and Y/n worked diligently that day. Neither said much, but together they were able to clear out the room. Dasom hadn’t accumulated that many possessions in her short life, and they were able to empty out the room in a little over 6 hours. She helped him load the boxes into his car. He wanted to deliver them himself to the different places. He knew that Dasom would have been so happy to know that other little girls were going to have her princess dresses and dollhouse; she had always been so giving.

“Y/n, could I ask you something before you go?”

“Sure, Hobi. What’s up?”

“After I drop off all of these things, would you go to dinner with me? I don’t think I should be alone tonight,” he replied.

“That sounds good. I’ll go home to shower and grab some pajamas and my toothbrush. How about I meet you back here at 6 oclock?”

Hoseok delivered everything to their respective donation points except for the box for Namjoon and Jungkook. He’d take theirs with him to the shop on Monday. After dropping everything off, he returned to his emptier apartment. Even though he knew that he had needed to do this, it still was difficult. The familiar ache in his chest had lessened some and he was able to remember happy times with his baby as he sorted through her things. He showered and thought about the day and how much help Y/n had been, and not just physically. Her presence was soft and soothing, and it was no wonder that she made a fantastic Hospice nurse. If the way she had handled Dasom’s Hospice period was any indication of the way she did her day to day work, she helped a lot of families. In the past year or so since meeting her, Y/n had become a welcome addition to his life and the lives of Namjoon and Jungkook. They often all spent time together playing games or watching movies. She’d even tried her best to teach Namjoon to cook Jungkook’s favorite meal at one point.

In thinking it over, Hoseok realized that he hadn’t actually been on a real date since he was with Dasom’s mother. While dinner with Y/n wasn’t an official date, he found himself wondering if she would be willing to go on an actual date with him. Even the thought of asking her made him a little nervous, so he decided that he’d ponder that a bit more when he wasn’t about to spend extended amounts of time with her.

 Y/n rushed through her shower to spend a little extra time getting ready. In the amount of time she had spent with Hoseok since caring for Dasom, they had gotten very close. Lately, she had realized that she’s developed a huge crush on the man with the heart shaped smile. While having dinner together as friends wasn’t a huge deal, and she knew that the invitation to stay overnight with him was just as a comfort measure to him, she couldn’t help but be a little nervous because of her stupid crush. Besides, she told herself, he was still in mourning for his child; he didn’t want a relationship with her.

They hadn’t discussed where they were going to have dinner, so she opted to dress in an outfit that would be appropriate for a variety of places. She opted for a light-yellow sundress with a jean jacket over it and ballet flats. She packed shorts and an oversized sweater for sleeping in and an outfit to wear home the following afternoon. After packing her things for the overnight stay, Y/n finished curling her hair in loose soft curls and pinned it out of her eyes, then did just a touch of natural makeup.

She pulled into the parking lot of Hoseok’s apartment complex at 5:56 pm, and decided she’d just take her overnight bag up to his apartment and they could leave from there together. She glanced down at her phone after ringing the doorbell, and when Hoseok opened the door, she looked up to find him in just a pair of jeans and still towel drying his hair.

“Hi,” she said softly, “I’m a few minutes early, but I thought I’d bring everything up.”

Hoseok smiled and apologized for not being ready yet. “I just lost track of time in the shower. Go ahead and take your bag into my bedroom. I’ll just finish drying my hair and grab a shirt then I’ll be ready to go.”

Hoseok walked back into his bathroom as Y/n placed her overnight bag just outside his closet door. When he’d opened the door to see her standing there in her cute dress and her hair curled that way, it had nearly taken his breath. She was gorgeous in such a soft, gentle way that he was a little bit addicted to. Something about her just felt like home.

 They had opted to go have sushi at a place near Hoseok’s apartment, so they had just walked over. During dinner, they had laughed and joked as much as possible to lighten up the solemnity of the day. Hoseok had to admit that he felt better after laughing and just being around Y/n. As they were walking back to the apartment, the sun was just starting to set. Without thinking about it, Hoseok reached over and took her hand, linking their fingers together. He felt her stiffen up for just a second before relaxing and squeezing his hand. He looked down at their linked hands and smiled at her.

“I’m sorry, but I’ve wanted to hold your hand all evening. I hope you don’t mind,” he said to her shyly.

“I don’t mind at all, Hobi. I kinda like it.”

 When they got back to the apartment, they decided to watch random reality tv shows and just lounge around. Y/n slipped into his master bathroom to change into the shorts and sweater she’d brought to sleep in. When she got the sweater on, she realized that it covered her shorts completely but there was nothing she could do about it. She stepped out into the living room to find that he’d changed into a tee and some lounge pants and was pouring them each a glass of wine.

He turned around with the glasses in his hand and found her standing in the living room in just a sweater that was so big that it kept slipping off of one of her shoulders.

“I swear I have shorts on. It just looks like I don’t because my sweater is so big. I just didn’t realize it when I packed it,” she said, nervously fiddling with the seams on her sleeves.

“Oh…okay,” he stammered. “You look so cute standing there. Seriously, my heart is pounding.” His face turned bright red as he realized that he’d actually said that out loud, but her giggle in response was enough to make him feel less embarrassed.

They curled up on the couch, sipping the wine and making fun of the rash decisions that the contestants on the reality show were making. To Hoseok, this felt like something they did every day, and he realized that he kind of wished it was something they did every day. After finishing the show they were watching, Hoseok glanced over to see Y/n dozing against the arm of the sofa. He smiled softly before deciding he’d just carry her to his bed. They hadn’t discussed sleeping arrangements, but there was no way he was going to make her sleep on his couch after everything she’d done for him that day. He scooped her into his arms bridal style and started towards his room. She woke up just as he was laying her down on his bed. He’d laid her on his side of the bed without thinking about it and was tugging the blanket up over her when her eyes fluttered open.

“What’re you doing, Hobi? I can’t steal your bed.”

“I’m a gentleman, Y/n. I refuse to let you sleep on my couch. I’ll sleep on the couch; it’s no big deal,” he smiled at her.

“It is to me. Can’t you just sleep in here with me? I promise I’ll be good,” she pouted at him.

He chuckled softly at the way she’d phrased it, then finally agreed. “Okay, Darling. If you insist. I’m just going to go turn off the living room light and the tv. I’ll be right back.”

She was already back asleep when he returned to the bedroom with her back facing the door. Hoseok went to the other side of the bed and climbed under the blankets. The light from the full moon was streaming in between the sheer curtains hanging over the window, and it caressed her cheek softly, making her glow. Y/n looked beautiful in sleep, and something about the way that she was snuggled into his pillow like she belonged there made his heart ache in such a good way. He kissed her forehead gently before whispering, “Goodnight, Darling.”

 Hoseok woke up the next morning to the smell of fresh coffee and something savory that definitely had bacon in it, and his bed empty. He used the restroom and brushed his teeth before following his nose out to find Y/n singing softly in his kitchen as she pulled a beautiful quiche out of the oven. She had to have been awake for a while to have put this together.

“That smells amazing,” he murmured as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

“Thank you,” she giggled. “I hope you don’t mind that I raided your fridge and made breakfast.”

“Not at all. I rarely make time to eat more than a slice of toast as I’m running out the door to the shop, so this is a serious treat for me.”

Y/n sliced up the pie and plated it before grabbing a fruit salad out of the fridge she’d also made. Hoseok moaned at the first bite he took of the quiche. It was so good. The crust was flaky, the eggs were cheesy and there were just enough chunks of vegetables and bacon to make every bite a little different. Paired with the tangy pineapple and sweet strawberries in the fruit salad made it twice as good. Y/n blushed a little bit at his visceral reaction to the food she’d made before they began chatting about the day. By the time that Namjoon had called to see if they wanted to catch a matinee of some horror movie that Jungkook wanted to see, Hoseok had eaten two big slices of the quiche.

“I need to shower, but I’m so full,” Hoseok whined.

“I didn’t tell you to try to eat half the quiche at once,” Y/n laughed. “Go shower. I’ll put everything away and clean up our breakfast dishes.”

 Y/n had fallen asleep quickly after Hoseok had carried her to his bed. She’d woken up just after 7:30 with her head pressed to Hoseok’s bare chest, her ear pressed just above his heartbeat. He’d had both arms wrapped loosely around her. It felt so good that it scared her a bit; she’d wriggled her way out of his arms and tucked a pillow in her place. When she was stressed or needed to think, she cooked, so she made breakfast. She’d actually been on her second cup of coffee when Hoseok had stumbled into the kitchen in all of his golden glory, and when he’d moaned at the taste of the food she’d made, her heart stuttered in her chest. It had made her wondered how else she could make him make that sound, and that was something she was not prepared to deal with, so she decided to shove those thoughts deep down and not consider them again.

She covered the quiche with plastic wrap and slid it and the fruit salad into his refrigerator. There was enough left for him to have that for several more breakfasts. She began to sing softly to herself as she emptied the coffee pot and washed up the plates, mugs, and silverware from their breakfast. She was rinsing the last of them when Hoseok slid his arms around her waste and snuggled her into a hug.

“Thank you,” he whispered to her.

“You have nothing to thank me for.”

“Yes, I do. You took beautiful care of my daughter, and you are still taking care of me in subtle ways. So thank you. I wish she’d had someone like you to be her mom.”

Y/n sat the mug down, then turned around in Hoseok’s arms to face him. He had tears on his cheeks as she wrapped her arms around him and held him tight.

“I’m sorry for getting emotional. I was just thinking about Dasom in the shower. If she had never died, I’d never have met you. And while I wish sometimes she was still here, I would never want her to suffer the way she did for any longer,” he whispered through his tears. “If she’d never died, we’d have never met and you wouldn’t be making my heart skip beats by singing while you clean my kitchen. I don’t know how to feel about that thought, but I don’t want to lose this chance at happiness. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m still a lot broken and a bit damaged from losing my daughter, but I like you a lot.”

“Oh Hobi,” Y/n smiled. “I like you too. I never told you, but Dasom made me promise to take care of you after she was gone. Keeping my promise to her has been a joy in itself, and when I woke up with my head on your chest this morning, I kept thinking how much she’d have laughed and teased me for falling for her Appa.”

Hoseok pressed his forehead to Y/n’s and closed his eyes. “She so would have. And she’d have asked me why I hadn’t given you kisses yet.”

He opened his eyes and looked into hers for just a moment. When all he saw was a soft happiness in her eyes, he pressed his lips to hers. She sank into the kiss slowly, slipping her fingers into his shower dampened hair. When he pulled away, they just stood staring at each other. He knew that they needed to take it slow, but he could feel the gap that was still in his chest from Dasom’s death closing up just a little bit. Y/n herself had been so healing to him just being there for him. They stood there for a few minutes, just holding on to each other before Hoseok spoke again.

“Why don’t you ride with me to the movie later? We can tell Joonie and Kookie about us. But there is a stop I want to make first.”

 Hoseok parked in the parking lot of the cemetery where Dasom was buried a couple of hours later. Y/n was sitting in the passenger seat holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers for him to leave on her grave.

“This is the first time I’ve been back here since the day we buried her, Y/n,” he sighed. “But I felt like I needed to do this. Just stay here. I won’t be long, I promise.”

She nodded before handing him the flowers. He got out and stood beside the car for just a moment before walking down the pathway that lead to the section designated for children. He knelt down in front of the tombstone and laid the flowers just at the base of the stone.

“Hi, my Love. I’m sorry I haven’t been to visit you here, but I’ve had a hard time adjusting to you being in heaven without me. Joonie and Kookie have taken good care of me. Y/n too,” he stopped speaking when the sobs collected in his throat before spilling out. “Speaking of Y/n, I kissed her in our kitchen this morning, Somie. I’m sure you’re looking down asking me what took so long, but your Appa can be so silly sometimes. Ah, Somie. I wish you were still here with us. I wish Y/n could have been your Eomma, but I wouldn’t have been able to meet her if you hadn’t gone to heaven.”

Hoseok stopped speaking for a moment to trace Dasom’s name on the tombstone. After he brought his hand back, a purple butterfly landed on his knee. It felt to him like that tiny butterfly was his baby girl acknowledging his words and telling him that she was okay. The butterfly fluttered it’s wings a few times before fluttering away, but it was enough to add a balm to his heart.

“Thank you for the butterfly, Baby Girl. I bet you are the most beautiful angel in heaven. Keep watching over me, yeah? I love you,” he whispered before wiping his tears and standing up.

As he walked slowly back to the car to rejoin Y/n, he knew that he still had a long way to go with healing, but he felt like he was finally making a solid step in the right direction. While he still missed his daughter, he knew that she’d want him to carry on without her, and for now, that was enough.

NEW PODCAST - The Mountain’s Heart - an audio fiction podcast about trying to return home, despite challenges. 

More information here: https://www.miscellanymedia.online/hugot-podcasting

In the beginning, there was a… Not so stellar introduction. And airports don’t make for great recording spaces, but Felisa is trying to make it work. After all, this is an assignment. More accurately, it’s part of a deal she made with her class instructor. She could miss class to take this trip if she documented aspects of it.

The trip’s beginning, but Felisa already knows that it’s going to be…. Difficult.

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Sound Effects from Freesound.org

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[Transcript:

(Equipment adjusting Airport boarding announcement starts. It is muffled and hard to hear. The announcement ends, but the sounds of the airport still seep into the track)

Okay, so… (sigh) This is going to be… Well, I don’t know. I never thought I would be making a “what I did over vacation” assignment at my age. But then again, I also thought I’d be done with school by now. But whatever.

For this vacation, my parents and I are going back to the Philippines to see family and… And I guess do some sort of sightseeing type events. But you should know… (sigh) Okay look, if you haven’t done a trip like this, you may not understand it. We go to the Philippines as a family to spend a few weeks there to try to make the cost of the plane ticket worthwhile and also it’s the only time we get to see our family, every other year or so. Which means, that we cram in as much domestic bliss as we can. And that sort of thing will take priority over all the other touristy stuff you can do around the islands.

I don’t know what you expected me to document when you made the offer, but if that’s the case, I probably should have been more open about what this trip is actually going to look like. Namely, a lot of cooking, a lot of sitting around the house, not so much hiking and touring and swimming and all those sorts of things. 

But I did give you my word that I would give some sort of documentation of my trip, per the assignment and as a bit of appreciation for excusing my absence from class. Seriously, my parents would have never let me come on this trip if it would have hurt any of my grades. Or my grade. And well, okay, I… I know I won’t always sound like it and sometimes I roll my eyes when I talk about my visits home, but I do appreciate it. I did want to go on this trip really badly, and it would have broken my heart if I couldn’t. 

This is a beautiful place to be, complications aside, but more than that, I love my family, and I love being around them, even though it’s hard to be in this family sometimes. It’s hard being away from everybody. It’s hard to get out there. It’s hard to find a way to pause my life long enough to make a trip possible. And it’s going to be hard to explain what I’ve been up to these past few years. I mean, the “wala boyfriend?” thing was never great, but then again my parents didn’t want me to get married young, so it worked out. There’s nothing… good about what’s coming, the explanations I have to give, the questions I have to face. 

But I guess I’ve got to just rip this bandaid off. Or that’s what Dad says. And in theory, I should appreciate the sentiment. I mean he would be an expert. This has never been all that easy of a trek for him in the same way that it’s never really easy to visit the in-laws. But somehow he’s made it work. 

Okay, I’ve never been good at introductions. As all my essays probably show. I understand though that it is important to set the scene. So currently, I am in the airport with my parents, getting ready to board a flight to Manila. My uncle will be waiting there to meet us and to take us back to the province my mother is from. There will likely be more people, but you never know who's coming until they actually get in the car. Also this trip is probably going to be the hardest one I’ve ever taken. Not just because my hip makes long periods of anything difficult and airline seats. But I have no clue what I’m going to do about everything, what I’m going to tell them or what they’re expecting. I mean, it’s been five years since the accident, and I know I was expecting to be a lot better by now, but the healing process goes as it goes, and unfortunately I think it’s come to a stop. We’ll see, though. We’ll see about everything. And I will resume recording when I have seen. Something. I guess.

(Sound fades out)

This has been a production of Hugot Podcasting, a subdivision of Miscellany Media Studios. It was written, performed, and produced by MJ Bailey. If you like the show, please consider subscribing and maybe telling a friend to as well.]

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Find it wherever you get your podcasts

Mark & Georgia’s Big Trip

Chapter Seven – Miscellaneous Ramblings II

Another busy week, but that’s become the norm. At least this week we saw good progress towards getting everything together that we’ve been trying to get together. But not much of a theme so just some thoughts on the important events of the week.

Caretakers

The biggest milestone this week was that we selected and hired our housekeeper and caretaker. Plus their two boys – we will soon have a new family in our home, and we’re very excited. You’ll soon meet Ranny and Pina, and their boys Prince Denver and Ethan, who will take up residence in our caretaker’s apartment.

Ranny (pronounced “Ronny” – remember that the vowels AEIOU are pronounced here, without exception, Ah, Eh, Ee, Oh, Oo) for the previous seven years has worked as a groundskeeper for Kawayan Cove so he comes with excellent gardening and tree maintenance chops. Pina has been a homemaker, is a great cleaner and a good cook; Georgia says she’s a good student and will quickly learn our favorite dishes. She already knows that I like fresh fruit every morning – half the battle’s won already! Prince Denver (8 yrs) and Ethan (4 yrs) are just normal boys, though very polite. I think it’s going to be fun having them around.

Capiz

Capiz is both a province in the Philippines, on Panay Island, as well as an oyster from the area known for its special shell. A capiz oyster is on the left, the harvested and cleaned shell on the right. One shell of the oyster is flat, growing to 3-5 inches in diameter, and importantly, translucent.

You find all sorts of items here made from capiz – Christmas ornaments, outdoor lights, ashtrays, you name it. When we lived in the Bay Area, Georgia always said you could tell a Filipino’s house because of the capiz lights in the trees. Harvesting and producing craft items from the shells is today the principal livelihood of the people of Capiz. Historically, capiz is important in Philippines heritage and culture, one that’s given away by the Capiz oyster’s Western name: windowpane oyster. For thousands of years the shell served as the “glass” in Filipino windows; many older homes still feature these windows today.

So why this story about capiz? On this week’s trip to Manila, we were wandering around a mall and walked into an antique store. Stacked against the back wall we found a number of dusty old capiz windows. The shop owner had no hard information about their provenance but said they were likely from the 1800’s. They looked it; the Narra and Molave wood was weathered but the craftsmanship was still evident and not of this century. No nails or screws, the window frames are joined with hand-made mortise and tenons, held with wooden pegs. The capiz was dirty, but almost 100% intact – it looks fragile but is actually pretty sturdy stuff. We’re not sure yet what we’ll do with them, but we now have three panels. After an afternoon spent cleaning them we have a treasure we’ll proudly display.

Calamansi

I don’t think Calamansi has been featured in my Strange Fruit of the Day series; it’s really not that strange anyway. Calamansi is the citrus fruit of the Philippines. About ¾ to one inch in size, they look a lot like a key lime but aren’t limes. The insides and juice are orange, but they’re not oranges. They aren’t lemons either, they’re just Calamansi. They flavor many Filipino dishes: you’ll typically squeeze one onto your Pancit before eating, or onto your grilled fish, and they’re often an ingredient in the dipping sauces served with many dishes.

There are no limes here, so I had a dilemma: how to make a proper Gin and Tonic. Finding decent gin was easy (S&R/Costco), and after searching a few stores I found tonic water. But no limes. Calamansi to the rescue! I’m now able to enjoy my favorite summer cocktail. And it’s always summer here! Cheers!

The Massage Table

Massage is a way of life in the Philippines. Go to almost any beach and there will be massage tents set up, in the city there are plenty of establishments, or just call for home service. My only complaint, actually my neck’s complaint, is that the traditional Filipino massage is performed on a flat bed, not a massage table. You’ll sometimes find a real massage table but it’s rare. Fast forward to our weekly trip to S&R, and there it was! My neck had a sudden seizure as I tried to walk past, so into the cart it went! We set it up on the “meditation deck” and brought in a masseuse that Hervé and Lett turned us on to. She’s expensive, about $12 an hour, but good. Very good. Ahhhhhhhh, heaven!

Friends with Furniture

Our friends from Manila, Noel and Michelle Tanada, who have been mentioned before in my blogs (they’re the members at the Balesin Island Club with whom we’ve had some memorable trips) visited us yesterday. I don’t think I’ve ever said much about them. Michelle is a former local TV star/singer; after that career a serial entrepreneur, starting and running businesses in the advertising field. Noel was originally headed for a career in law, but left that world for his art, which encompasses traditional forms such as painting and sculpture, but his real passion lies with interior design and furniture design. In all they do they only use native and sustainable materials, or recycled materials, and always local labor. You can learn more and view some of their products at www.ecohomeart.com. They are also both active environmentalists, deeply involved with coral rehabilitation (www.coralmovement.org). This shot is with them at Balesin Island last year.

Today’s visit was more than a social call as they delivered a van full of furniture, some of the last items for our living room. We’d asked Noel to create some custom bar chairs, a breakfast table and chairs, and a credenza. Since we live in Kawayan Cove he chose a bamboo theme (kawayan is the Tagalog word for bamboo). He also brought a special floor lamp for us. All beautiful and unique pieces we’re proud to have.

House Tour

Finally all the major furniture is here and the house is feeling pretty livable (though we did fine with just a plastic card table and a mattress on the floor for the first 2 weeks…). So, I’ll wrap this up with a photo tour of our newly furnished rooms.

First up is the living room. The coffee and end tables from the acacia slab have arrived, we’re very happy with them and like the way they go with the sofa and love seat. The turtle on the coffee table is from Puerto Vallarta and has a special connection with Kawayan Cove – every fall Olive Ridley sea turtles arrive at Kawayan Cove to lay their eggs.

These are two of the barstools Noel designed for us. Using 100% native and sustainable materials, the backs feature split bamboo and the upholstery is hand-woven Tikog grass from Leyte. Besides a warm an inviting look, Tikog is durable and has a very nice, soft feel. It’s woven into many items here, historically the Banig which is the traditional Filipno sleeping mat.

Also in the same style and materials are this breakfast table and chairs. Noel feels the table design is sexy, resembling a woman’s curves. You decide!

One of Noel’s more creative pieces is this dramatic floor lamp, reflected in our corner windows. The lamp is made of water hyacinth reeds. Beyond being a sustainable material, the use of water hyacinth has an additional benefit as it’s a nuisance here, growing quickly and clogging rivers and harbors.

New in our master bedroom is this computer desk, made of mahogany from our design by Boyet, one of the construction foremen for our contractor. Boyet also made all of the cabinets in the house.

Our small guest bedroom, the one with the great view, has two new side tables of acacia, which we picked up pre-made at the same place where we got our slab. Note the baskets on the wall, which made their way here from the White Sulphur Springs Ranch rummage sale!

Last up is our second guest bedroom. In trade for the lack of a view you get a larger room, with a sofa and coffee table, which is the final piece of our acacia slab. Any of you who visited the Mokawk Community Resource Center last fall will recognize two paintings by Tyler Jacobsen, and a woven wall hanging by Salli Wise. Sorry the bed’s not made, we’ll make sure that’s done before you arrive!

【Translation】Interview Conducted by Munhwa-Ilbo with Actor Ryu Seungryong

Original Text: http://www.munhwa.com/news/view.html?no=2019112901031412053001

▲The happy facial expression of Ryu Seungryong who's making a cabbage pancake. His happiness comes from his family.

Ryu Seungryong: “Although I rose to fame through powerful roles like the strong-flavoured Seasoned Skate, I prefer the subtle acting like the Cabbage Pancake with a delicate flavour.”

■ Actor Ryu Seungryong

He made his screen debut at the age of 34 by playing a minor role and blossomed in his forties with “Miracle in Cell No. 7” and other works.

Because of the joke “He changed after becoming famous” from the junior colleague he suffered from the vicious comments and went through a hard time. No matter how hurtful it was, he’s now resilient to the attacks.

He knows the meaning of the everyday life. He enjoys going to the bathhouse with his two sons, who’re in fifth grade at the elementary school and second grade at the middle school respectively.

He prefers to be called “a born actor” more than “a ten-million actor”.

Make the inner leaves of the yellow cabbage soft by tapping them with a small wooden hammer, coat them with the flour slightly and fry themin a heated pan until they become crispy, then a delicious cabbage pancake is finished. Actor Ryu Seungryong as a chef? It’s somewhat unfamiliar to see him cooking food with all his heart since he often displays a kind of oppressive acting with the intense glitter in his eyes like the laser. He put various dishes on a large wooden table with annual rings full of the traces of time, smiled brightly and said: “Just help yourself!”

On the 22nd, a cool autumn day with the navy blue sky, I met Ryu Seungryong at the workroom of hsoban, a specialty store for dinnerware in Seokundong, Bundang District, Seongnam City, Gyeonggi Province. Standing confidently in a large kitchen equipped with various cooking tools, he’s just like a chef with decades of experience. When asked if he was good at cooking, he answered with a shy expression: “I just cook noodles for my kids at home.” After all he’s an actor. He can pretend to be a chef just by wearing an apron. Actually the food on that day was mainly made by Mrs. Macarons, a social media star with more than 1.2 million followers. She’s the friend of Ryu Seungryong who introduced the pleasures of cooking to him.

“Now I will come here once in a while to learn. The chefs here said that they would like to accept me as a pupil, so I must try my best. When my wife is cooking, I can’t even come near her for she doesn’t want to be disturbed. I should continue to learn the cooking skills until one day I can help my wife.”

During the meal, he chatted with me in a leisurely way and shared his perception in life as an actor and a father. After graduating from Seoul Institute of the Arts with a degree in theatre, he spent a long period of time to perform on stage in Daehangno. At the age of 28, he became one of the stars of Nanta and started to perform this non-verbal show all over the world in the following 5 years. He then quitted the show and began to do various odd jobs like carrying cabbages at the market to make a living. In 2004, he finally made his screen debut as a minor role at the age of 34 in the film Someone Special.

“When I recall this period of time, I think it’s quite necessary for me. Those inevitable ups and downs in life which can’t be foreseen or controlled all became the helpful experience for me now. No matter how hard it was, I’ve never thought about giving up the acting. I was anxious at that time, but I realized that everyone might have his own way to go. Usually the hard work will be rewarded, but things are not always the same when it comes to acting, which needs the coordination of various elements such as the chance and the circumstance.”

When he was stuck with the anxiety in obscurity, his mentor in college gave him the encouragement by saying “Ryu Seungryong is a flower that will blossom late. So just don’t give up”. “Flower blooming late” is really an appropriate description for him.

“Professor Kim Hyokyung has already passed away. But I will always remember what he said to me when I performed onstage. I started in my mid-thirties and blossomed in my early forties. So I think it wasn’t too late for me since I blossomed at a proper time. As an actor I tried to understand the thoughts of the public and to reflect on the attitude and gratitude that an actor should have. This kind of thinking helped me to become more mature.”

His “flower” began to bloom in 2011 and came into full bloom in the next year: the powerful “Jyuushinta” in War of the Arrows (2011); the remarkable “Jang Sungki” in All About My Wife (2012); the dignified “Heo Gyun” in Masquerade (2012) and the heart-warming “Yonggu” in Miracle in Cell No. 7 (2013). He melted all the emotions deep in the heart and overlaid the characters he plays with the compound of these emotions naturally. Then the public finally came to realize his value. He became one of the “ten-million actors” through Masquerade (2012) and has starred by now in four “ten-million films”, the films that have drawn over 10 million viewers each - the other three are Miracle in Cell No. 7 (2013), The Admiral: Roaring Currents (2014) and Extreme Job (2019).

“Choosing a work is actually a trial-and-error process, in which I may also rely on my childishness. But finally I will learn from it. I want to see my life in my works, because the choices of these works also reflect my thoughts at that time. Since I got a lot of support after the box office success, I began to tend towards the experimental work. Now I prefer to play in a film that the audiences want to see instead of choosing a film that suits my taste. But what troubles me is that I really don’t know the interest of the audiences. The worry has nothing to do with the box office success, it’s a process of introspecting as an actor. The so-called ‘ten-million films’ is meaningless for me.”

At the early stage his image was stamped with the powerfulness. Now he has changed himself to a mild man. This change appeared not only in his career, but also in his life.

“Being an actor is a passive occupation that can be compared to the choice of the food. Today I make the cabbage pancake with a delicate flavour. The more you eat it, the more you’ll realize the delicate fragrant taste of it. But in the past I cooked the strong-flavoured food that will easily attract the attention, like the seasoned skate. This ‘intense flavour’ tried to leave its mark on me, since I used to achieve success with the intense glitter in my eyes like the beaming laser. However, now I think that as an actor, I should act as if I’m not acting at all, just like the cabbage pancake (laughter). My life has also softened. When stones collide violently, they’ll break down into pieces. But if you put the stones into the water, they’ll become soft and round. There’re many people around me who care for each other and pursue the happiness together. They’re exactly the water that soften me. My ‘flower’ in career blossomed somewhat late, and I found my way of approaching the happiness also relatively late.”

The source of his energy and happiness is his family.

“I always get the power from my family, and also from my work and my religious belief. It’s so amazing for me to see my two sons who’re now in fifth grade at the elementary school and second grade at the middle school respectively. This amazing feeling is beyond description. Although it’s not worry-free at all to watch them grow up, my love for these two naughty kids continues to spurt. You know, my father’s generation were always busy making money to support the family and send their children to school, which made me get used to the cold father-son relationship. As my life got better, I don’t need to struggle for those things like my father, so I also start to reconsider this kind of relationship. Now I really enjoy going to the bathhouse with my sons. We help each other to wash ourselves. That’s really a happy time.”

He’s well-known as a warm actor who always takes good care of the people around him. But such a warm actor has also been hurt deeply. A few years ago an intimate junior colleague said in an entertainment programme that “He changed after becoming famous”, which brought him into a lot of vicious comments. “The recovery from it makes me stronger. It’s like experiencing the uncomfortable muscle pain when you exercise, but finally you’ll build stronger muscles. That’s what I think. Now I can listen to everything with my humble heart. I’ve come to realize that some problems can be solved after the painful struggle, but some problems just can’t be solved in the same way. I think I’ve already found the solutions to overcome different kinds of problems.”

After finishing the shooting of the Netflix series Kingdom 2 (2020) and the feature film Not the Lips (literal translation), which is also the directorial debut of junior actress Cho Eunji, he’s now shooting the musical film Beautiful Life (literal translation). When asked if he intended to challenge himself by acting in different kinds of works, he just said that the warm works are always attractive.

“These works have something in common in spite of the different genres. They all tell the story about the everyday life. ‘Not the Lips’ shows the various forms of love, and ‘Beautiful Life’ conveys the message about the preciousness of life and the reflection of the dignified death.”

He hopes that the modifier “a born actor” can be prefixed to his name.

“I prefer to be called ‘a born actor’ more than other rhetoric. I want to be ‘a born actor’ and ‘a born father’. Sometimes it may be a little lonely due to the fewer things or the less contact. So I really admire the seniors in this profession who’re still active despite their advanced ages.”

▲Ryu Seungryong set the food on the table and spooned the oyster soup into the bowl.

“Painting, woodwork, travel…detox for acting”

Ryu Seungryong has a wide range of hobbies like travel and painting. He’s also obsessed with woodwork. When asked if it’s the way for him to relieve the stress from acting, he said that it’s the detox process for acting.

“Acting won’t stress me out. Actually, I think it’s more important to vacate your heart than to focus on the so-called ‘pressure from acting’. When I touch the things that connected to the nature like the trees, my heart will become peaceful. All these hobbies are actually full of passion, although it looks as if they don’t need much energy.”

The travel places lie mainly inland and he always travels with his family.

“I like to set off on a journey without a plan, without booking a lodging in advance. But when it comes to the overseas trip, it’s necessary to make a thorough plan. I’ve already written down the places I want to go in the future on a list. I love the natural scenery. I want to travel in New Zealand, I also want to see the aurora in Russia. I’d like to experience the Trans-Siberian Railway. Compared with Iceland, it costs much cheaper in Russia. And the splendid scenery in the American national park Yosemite also attracts me. Travelling alone is meaningless. I always travel with my family.”

He mainly paints the natural scenery in his ink wash painting as well.

“My elder son has a talent for painting. We often do it together. While I enjoy the ink wash painting, he likes to paint the building in the city centre elaborately. We visit the gallery frequently. I can draw my inspiration of acting from the paintings.”

He made the wooden chopping boards by himself and sent them to his friends.

“I put my heart into these gifts. When you polish the wood, the natural colour will come into view. That’s the pleasure of this work. When the wood is polished with the sandpaper and the oil, the time hidden behind it will emerge again. I really enjoy this feeling.”

▲The table full of Chungcheongdo specialties for Ryu Seungryong. Menu: oyster soup, steamed pollack, steamed pork ribs and bean-curd dregs stew.

■ The table full of Chungcheongdo specialties for Ryu Seungryong

Mrs. Macarons prepared some Chungcheongdo specialties for Ryu Seungryong, who comes from Seocheon County, Chungcheong Province. These dishes included the oyster soup, the steamed pollack, the steamed pork ribs and the stew made with bean-curd dregs. Roll the wild small oyster from Seosan in the watery radish kimchi sauce to enjoy the first-class sweet and sour taste of the oyster. Chew the oyster with the shredded pears to feel the fragrance of the oyster in mouth. Ryu Seungryong was full of praise for these delicious dishes. The steamed pollack with the pepper from Cheongyang had a flavour of the hometown. The rustic food seemed to be very suitable for his savory acting.

A Weekend in My Life vol. 3: Spending the Long Weekend at Home!

It was a long weekend in celebration for the All Saint’s Day. Thus, I grabbed this opportunity to go home in the province and spent my long weekend with my family and friends. The commute trip to Pangasinan was so tiring and stressful but it was all worth it when I got home.

Day 1 | My Baby Brother, Yves

Every year, the family always sees to it that we go to the cemetery to visit the grave of our deceased loved ones and relatives. We (Mama, Papa, Jessa and I) first went to Malasiqui to pay some of our relatives a visit at our house there, and went to the cemetery there to visit my grandparents’ grave. We then went back home in Lingayen and the whole family on my mother’s side visited the grave of our Lolo, tita Jocelyn, and my younger brother, Yves.

This is one thing that majority of the people who “know” me doesn’t really know about me — that I had one more younger brother who passed away at the age of 4. Yves had a Down’s syndrome, a syndrome that’s caused by an extra chromosome 21 (thanks to my Bio prof, Sir Aris, who taught this in class on my first year in college lol). I was 6 and was on my first grade in elementary, when he suffered from measles, brought to the hospital, but then passed away due to complications. I was still young when all of those happened but it’s still clear in my memory how I was at home that time when I saw and heard Lola Ba bring the news to our relatives that day --- March 3rd of 2003. I saw how Lola Ba and Tita Ems cried while talking about what happened.

It was hard losing someone. I may have not felt the pain as much as my parents felt it way back, losing a jolly child who brought so much happiness and light in our lives, but I miss him. He loved dancing to music, Jollibee’s spaghetti, sweeping, and he loves Mama so much. He was a very sweet child. And I know that everything happened for a reason. He left us so soon but I know that it was part of God’s plan. The whole family and I know that Yves has served his purpose. He’s now our sweet angel and he will forever be in our hearts.

 Day 2: Long Over Due Jog with Rose

Rose and I have always planned to go on a jog since we were still in college. Every time I go home from Baguio for vacation, we always make a plan to go jogging but we already graduated and all and it never happened until today, November 2 (LOL). I invited her for a jog at Narciso this afternoon. Papa wanted to drop me off so I decided to fetch Rose at their house. When we were on our way, I also informed Clyde just in case he wanted to go and jog, too. He went there too but he just watched us the whole time. He also tricked us. He treated us with a lot of food after our run (so useless din yung itinakbo namin!!!).

Day 3: la vié est belle — the gifts of family and friends

Just like the old and usual bonding that we do in the family, we had a picnic at the beach this morning. After a very long time, I got to enjoy the beach again (for real!). 

Before the day ends, too, an unplanned meetup with the grade school friends happened. What we talked about was to meet and chill at Capitol beachfront but we ended up going to the town proper and ate at McDonalds instead just like the old times. It was a time well spent again with these friends. It’s always a blast (of laughter and mockery) with these people even after a long time of not talking and seeing each other.

Day 4: Blogging Time!

After spending some time with family and friends these past days, I allotted today for my blog. I have to catch up with my pending blog post entries and so I wrote and publish two volumes of my A Weekend in My Life series today.

 A Day in My Life vol. 1: The Girl Who Wears Her Heart on Her Sleeves (plus, Christmas is Here!)

(November 10)

It was a hard and an emotional week for me so chilling out today was what I really needed. I already took the day off from work yesterday because I wasn’t really feeling well and I wasn’t sure if I could still take another crap without snapping out. I needed to breathe and to take a pause (Read on a blog post I wrote entitled, “To The Girl Who Always Wears Her Heart on Her Sleeves” to know more). And that’s what I exactly did today.

Christmas is here!

The plan was to chill at Starbucks to do some journaling and blogging with Jessa and JM. We spent the rest of the afternoon at SB and the night chilling, eating, and listening to the live bands.

Greenfield District’s already ready for Christmas and the ambiance in the whole place made me so happy and relaxed today. Christmas is my favorite season and having to watch the fireworks display, and seeing the Christmas lights and the giant Christmas tree made me so giddy. It was a day well spent!

 A Weekend in My Life vol. 4: A Day at Divisoria (ft. My First MRT Experience Alone) and a Date with the Homies at Greenfield

Nov 17 | Divisoria Day and Riding the MRT by Myself

Today’s the day that Roel and I had set to go to Divisoria to canvass and buy some of the props and costumes that we will be needing for our New Hire’s Presentation. We agreed to meet at Magallanes MRT station so I didn’t have a choice but to ride the MRT alone to get there. It was the third time that I tried riding the MRT but it was the first time that I didn’t have anyone with me. There were a lot of funny and epic fail moments about today but thank goodness, we survived. It was a very tiring day!

Nov 18 | A Date with the Homies

After Jessa and I went to the mall to buy some stuff, we met with Ate Mae and Ynah, our cousins, at Greenfield. They went to Church and wanted to meet with us so we decided to chill at Greenfield. It wasn’t that long since they still had to go home to Cavite and it was starting to get late so we decided to part ways after an hour or so. It was a short date but it was great seeing these homies again.

A Day in My Life Vol. 2: Pizza Night and the Ayala Christmas Lights

(November 22)

Since it was ate Cami’s birthday last August 15th, her squad, surprised her today. I got invited to join them for a Pizza Night at S&R and have decided to see the Ayala lights afterwards too. It was nice watching the lights tonight.

A Weekend in My Life vol. 5: NHP Rehearsal and a Dream Come True

NHP Rehearsal

The group set a practice last November 24, Saturday, since there were only a few days left before the Year-end Party and we still had to polish our choreography and finalize the blockings. I never expected that I would enjoy this thing this much. I’ll miss this crazy bunch afterwards, that’s for sure.

“Teacher Jelyn”: A Dream Come True

This year’s really been about stepping out of my comfort zone. Today, November 25th, it is my first official day as “Teacher Jelyn” in the KIDS Ministry at Church. My heart is very full.

PS. Also tried ZARK’s Burger for the first time today and tasted their Three-pointer.  

The 2018 Year-End Party White Mayhem

Last November 29 was the company’s year-end party. The party was held at the Green Sun hotel. Aside from dressing up, dancing to the music, and having fun with the colleagues, for me, the highlight of the party was really the New Hires Presentation.

Months ago, I remember saying that I was not excited about this whole presentation thing. But guess what? After months of rehearsals and being with my groupmates (Team Queen), surprisingly, I enjoyed the entire process. I enjoyed performing and sharing the stage with these wonderful and amazing people that night. And it was an honor to share the second place-win with the team! Even if we didn’t bring home the title of being this year’s champions, we still feel like “we are the champions of the world.” We did our best, invested our time and efforts on this, had entertained the audience, and made new friendships and these for us are priceless. Team Bon Jovi really deserved the win too!

2021 MBAs To Watch: Christina Gohl, IE Business School

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2021 MBAs To Watch: Christina Gohl, IE Business School

“I’m a results-oriented, people-oriented, ex-scientist turned business development professional who loves skiing in the Rockies.”

Hometown: Vancouver, BC

Fun fact about yourself: I met my husband on an airplane!

Undergraduate School and Degree: University of Alberta, Bachelor of Science in Kinesiology

Where was the last place you worked before enrolling in business school? Santevia Water Systems, Role: Director of Sales

Where did you intern during the summer of 2020? There’s no summer break in a one-year MBA – we go 11 months straight – so nowhere!

Where will you be working after graduation? Great question! One-year MBAs are a unique breed, so given that I don’t graduate until the end of July I haven’t accepted an offer yet.

Community Work and Leadership Roles in Business School:

Awards:

Forte Fellowship

Community Work and Leadership Roles

IE Consulting Club Leadership Team. Role: Vice President

The club had slipped in the IE club rankings (a measure of value and effectiveness). I identified the need for a turnaround. I led and implemented a strategy and vision building process with the leadership team which included setting simple but powerful key metrics to measure success. In four weeks, we increased the club’s score by over 100 points, moving from 4th to 1st place.

IE Ambassador – Women4Women Program

Women continue to be underrepresented in MBA programs and through IE’s Women4Women program I aim to change that. Once paired with a prospective female student, I developed a connection and then we explored their needs and goals. My aim is to reduce anxiety by answering their questions but also to act as an advisor. Together we find the right fit, both for them and for IE.

Mentor

Junior profiles in my network have asked for mentorship from me in three areas: sales/business development, team management, and networking. I am currently working with a Masters in Management student to advance his networking skills with a goal to increase his chance of success in consulting applications.

Which academic or extracurricular achievement are you most proud of during business school? Being published in IE’s Finance Talks. I’m a sales and marketing profile with a Bachelor in Science, so while I’m right at home in data analysis, all the finance I know I learned in a boardroom. As a result, when I came to business school I expected to struggle amongst peers with significantly more experience. I had been following the Game Stop short squeeze in the news, so when it came time to pick a topic for my Financial Markets final paper, GME seemed both interesting and relevant. I’m a good writer, but by no means a financial expert. As a result, I was shocked when my professor reached out saying that not only had I gotten 100% on the paper, but that he wanted to publish it. Since then, it has been reprinted in IE’s student newspaper at the request of the IE Investment Club and I got a 4.0 in Financial Markets to boot.

What achievement are you most proud of in your professional career? I always hit sales targets. This started in my first role as a Management Trainee at Enterprise, where I was in the top 1% of sales people province-wide every month I worked there. When I moved to Santevia, I repeated the same pattern. The business was young when I joined, so we had aggressive growth targets: double digits every year. I never missed an annual target. As the business grew, so did my level of responsibility and the size of my team. This meant hitting sales targets was now a function of my ability to lead and motivate 75 others instead of a result of my own direct work. This was a learning curve for me, but a challenge where I excelled. My team never missed an annual sales target in my 7-year tenure at the company.

Why did you choose this business school? I had progressed to the senior leadership team at Santevia and I remember sitting at the boardroom table realizing that while I understood the sales vertical very well, I couldn’t always predict with accuracy the impact my sales strategies would have on other areas of the business. I was a highly competent middle manager, but I needed to up-skill to become an executive. I came to IE Business School to improve my business strategy skills. For me, IE was the right choice because the institution is very forward looking.

The world had just undergone the quickest technical adoption I’ve seen in my lifetime as a result of COVID. Businesses are thus demanding technology savvy, entrepreneurial thinkers now more than ever before. This is IE’s specialty. At this school, I’m building an exam automation start-up called Examind and in two weeks I start a business challenge helping SMEs implement technology accelerators with Microsoft. Without the support and guidance of the professors and administrators at IE, I would never have dreamed of these accomplishments and opportunities.

What was your favorite MBA event or tradition at your business school?

COVID has affected almost every event or tradition this year. However, one thing that it did not change was the value of diversity at IE. IE ensures that every MBA class hails from all over the globe (our class has 70 different nationalities). While this prompts truly interesting class discussions, it also challenges us to question norms. Sometimes it’s simple things: yesterday, I learned that Italians break a candle from their birthday cake to make a wish instead of doing it when they blow out the candles. And sometimes it’s big, such as how working with multicultural teams presents both challenges and opportunities. Learning to do this well is a skill that I will take with me and I sincerely believe will set me up for success in a world that becomes more diverse by the day. The fact that IE not only understands the value of diverse teams but also has implemented recruiting practices that make it a reality is a testament to their belief in the power of diversity.

Looking back over your MBA experience, what is the one thing you’d do differently and why? I would have focused less on the job hunt in my first semester. The one-year MBA is short, so there is pressure throughout to consider what’s next. While there is a definite benefit in being clear on your next steps and strategy to get there, I struggled with the transition from a career in Canada to academia in Spain. I think I could have been a little easier on myself in those first months and allowed myself more space to make the transition.

What is the biggest myth about your school? You’ll learn a ton of Spanish while you’re here. While it is possible to learn Spanish (and IE provides us ample opportunity), the reality is that you spend most of your time immersed in English. In addition, the demands of a one-year MBA mean that it’s difficult to find time to practice. As such, I’ve found my language skills progressing more slowly than I’d like.

What is one thing you did during the application process that gave you an edge at the school you chose? I focused my time on what I was world-class at. I had to make a choice mid-application: spend more time devoted to studying and re-writing the GMAT to score in the upper ranks of the quant section or focus on my strengths (strong interpersonal skills that allow me to interview well and strong writing skills to write great entrance essays). I decided to do the latter and it paid off: I got into every school I applied to, with generous scholarships.

Which MBA classmate do you most admire? Luis Fernando Marcos Yepes. Luis is a part of my workgroup (an assigned group with which we do all our group projects for core academic classes). The people in your workgroup are always a bit of a gamble. Will we have similar goals? How do our workstyles differ? Coming together as a team is an art and it can be incredibly difficult. Specifically, at the end of a semester, when a mountain of projects are due, the stress increases and groups tend to struggle, our group included. However, Luis never backed away from hard work or difficult conversations. Not only was he a high performer — excelling at and taking the lead in finance projects as a result of his background as an auditor at EY — he also never shied away from the difficult times. His consistency and dependability was something I really counted on in the midst of some stressful days in the MBA. On top of that, he has been very conscious about growing his team leadership skills. He had natural people skills that he has refined in just a few months into persuasion and motivation abilities. He is constantly seeking out advice and feedback to improve as a leader and I truly admire his growth mindset.

How disruptive was it to shift to an online or hybrid environment after COVID hit? Very smooth. A key reason I chose IE Business School was because of the thought they had put into the post-COVID class experience. IE is the only top business school (to my knowledge) that maintained an in-class experience throughout the entirety of my degree (September 2020 start). This came with some restrictions (mask wearing, class size reductions, COVID tests) but the limitations were far outweighed by the benefit of an in-class experience. My classmates and I frequently discuss how fortunate we are to have benefitted from IE’s planning and dedication to preserving our in-class experience.

Who most influenced your decision to pursue business in college? I didn’t pursue business in college (my undergrad), but pursuing my MBA has been a dream of mine since 25. However the push to do it, at 30, came from my mother. She came from a blue collar family in Ontario and was the only one of her four siblings who graduated from university. She pursued her Master’s degree as a single mother when I was young and now she is a successful business owner. She always instilled in me the power of hard work and perseverance. She also taught me that unlike material things, education is something that always stays with you. She showed me the value of investing in yourself.

What are the top two items on your professional bucket list?

I want to be in a position to significantly impact the availability of senior leadership roles for women.

I want to own my own business.

What made Christina such an invaluable addition to the Class of 2021?

“My subject is sometimes completely new for the students. In addition, it is very quantitative and full of very specific terms typical of the financial world. So, it is very easy that, at some point in class, communication is “lost”. The truth is that the lack of interaction with the students, causes a certain feeling of helplessness in myself as a teacher. Precisely when I was having the worst time, Christina began her interventions in class, summarizing difficult topics out loud, giving them her own interpretation, obviously much more within the reach of the rest of the classmates. Through her words, concepts were clarified for the rest. And so, it was throughout the course. I found in Christina a total, unique support that made me feel more comfortable when teaching. That’s because I knew that in a natural way, her intervention would allow us to adequately complete the topic, “round it up”. After more than thirty years teaching, on very few occasions I have had such special students and Christina has undoubtedly been one of them.

In the evaluation process of my subject, it is necessary to present an individual work on a topic associated. I suggest some and the students are free to choose another as long as it has to do with the subject. Christina surprised me again by choosing a current issue, related to the behavior of the GameStop stock. She brilliantly described the functioning of “securities lending” and the establishment of short positions in the market, posing unavoidable questions about the concept of market efficiency and the possible gaps in regulation in a world where the importance of social networks is increasing. I think it has been one of the best-written articles I have read on a current topic. When I finished reading it, I felt that I had something very special on my hands. For this reason, and with the approval of the IMBA management, her article was published on a blog of the Institute. The person in charge defined it as a Top Tier item.

In conclusion, Christina has been an exemplary contributor to the course, she has shown passion towards a subject that was completely new to her and not only has she obtained the highest possible grade with an incredible final work but has left an indelible mark on an old professor who is no longer used to seeing so much talent and humanity.”

Rodrigo Manero IE Business School Professor

DON’T MISS: THE FULL LIST OF MBAS TO WATCH IN 2021

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Home Cooking

To @dancingfox on Tumblr, as part of the IgNoct White Day Gift Exchange @ignoctgiftexchange, I offer you a fic (it was a struggle because I was debating with five ideas at once and suffering from writer’s block and then life got really crazy that I didn’t post until way past the dates). I’m not sure what you like since you gave me “Anything, truly :)”, but I can safely assure you that there’s nothing about non-cons or excessive violent themes in this, just lots of fluff and I hope that’s okay! Though this fic can be read on its own, it’s branched off an Fateswap AU where Noctis is the Oracle and Lunafreya is the King of Light and Ignis is her advisor titled “Radiance”. Happy White Day and Happy Gift Exchange, I hope you like this. Sorry for being super late to you and the mod behind the event. I feel massively guilty but I wasn’t going to abandon this. - Title: Home Cooking Rating: G Warnings: None Summary: Courtship is such an antiquated tradition to Noctis, but he’s willing to push the aversion aside and show how he cares with a thoughtful gesture while Ignis is staying in the Crown City. - “Well,” Luna began, crossing her ankles and folding her hands in her lap. Unbridled excitement coursed through her, almost similar to the feeling she relished harvesting raw elemental energy from touch alone, as the King of Light and her trustworthy retainer passed the first landmark. “Our second time in Insomnia swiftly approaches.” “Indeed.” Ignis replied, eyes closed in contentment as he sipped from a can of Ebony, flipping through the magazine, his steady gaze was fixated across the pages. “You must be absolutely delighted that we are to see dear Noctis once more. These last months must have been torturous for you.” “Of course, my lady.”

Luna let the next couple minutes of silence sink in, save for the sounds of the train in motion, before narrowing her eyes and a slight twitch at the corner of her frown took form. “So... pray tell what is so intriguing in this issue’s quarterly that you deign to provide me a proper answer?” “I’m rather absorbed in this soufflé recipe,” Ignis answered without looking up and nothing more. He raised the Ebony again as to solidify the answer he had chosen and end the discussion there. Dissatisfied with the poorly made apology and in one swift motion, Luna pressed her palm firmly on the can and snatched the magazine out of Ignis’ hands. “Why,” Luna’s blue eyes widened before she grinned knowingly as her suspicions were indeed correct. Her advisor had artfully concealed a magazine behind a cooking one. “Ignis, consider yourself caught in the act. You’re reading a fishing magazine!” The woman turned to the can in her hand and shook it. “And not once have you requested a replacement for your beverage. It is empty.” Ignis sighed, color high on his cheeks as he plucked magazine back and set it on the table between them. "I suppose saying merely looking at a recently discovered fish had my mind swimming with recipe ideas wouldn't suffice as an answer?" The advisor tried, Luna sent him a look and he grimaced before admitting,  “Noctis informed me that he enjoys fishing..." Luna smiled. "It's his favorite past time, I'm told. You may find this hard to believe considering my brother’s animosity towards him, but Ravus taught him how.” "It seems very... time-consuming." He tried for a delicate term but the way Luna hid her mouth behind her hand told him he had failed. “He wished to take me fishing at one of his favorite places.” "He will be thrilled to know you've suddenly taken an interest in it." She laughed, earning her a tired stare. "Do not worry, Ignis, for when he sees you, fishing will be the furthest thing on his mind." To see Ignis and Noctis have gained such familiarity and fondness in such little time warmed the heiress’s heart in full. It was unexpected, certainly for her advisor who was quick to assume that the Oracle of Futurity was no more than a voracious beast. Fortunately, his opinion changed overnight when Noctis restored his vision and the two became well acquainted. Luna couldn’t help but feel wholly obligated to cheer and tease Ignis whenever she pleased, much to her advisor’s chagrin. Ignis nodded in appreciation for the reassurance, but the conversation wasn’t over. He gingerly caressed the worn and curling corners of the magazines, conflicted. “Actually, there’s something that I must address with you, Luna. It’s urgent, but we can discuss it later if you prefer.” Luna blinked, her mouth slightly agape. Ignis can be stern and alarmingly taciturn at times, even as a young child, he groomed himself this way so to prove himself worthy of Luna’s retainer despite the disability. He was looking at her now with the same intensity he did then, the scars from the burns could never smother the radiance from the soft sky blue and puffs of white. There was a storm cloud hovering above him. “Do not say that when I have not heard what it could be about first.” Luna regained her composure albeit she stammered when she said this, taking his hand in hers. “Let us discuss this now or I fear we could not enjoy the rest of our journey comfortably.” Ignis was inclined to agree. The lump in his throat bobbed slightly as he avoided looking directly at Luna’s worried expression. “If I could now, I would bend the knee for you, Lady Lunafreya. At your word, my counsel and my blades are yours, always. You will always be my princess and Tenebrae’s True Queen.“ “Ignis,” Luna pulled her hand away, feeling the blades of Ignis’ carefully placed words piercing her heart. “Are you... leaving me?” Her eyes stung, hurt, reminding herself that she was royalty and mustn’t cause a scene in public. If it was her closest friend’s requests, she must grant him leave in a dignified fashion. At that, the advisor’s eyebrows were raised as if offended, no, appalled by the inquiry. That reaction was unwarranted for the princess wanted to berate him for thinking that she would handle this delicately when he knew her much better than that. “No, I believe you’re mistaken by what I’m trying to get across,” Ignis reached out to loosen his collar and cleared his throat, embarrassed but the princess didn’t know by which, the misunderstanding or the topic on the tip of his tongue. “I merely wish... to ask for your permission to initiate a formal courtship with Noctis.” “Oh.” Luna’s cheeks glowed hot not long after the request was spoken. “Oh,” she repeated, pressing her mouth against her palm. “Then why must you waffle on when you could speak plainly? I... I thought you asking for a dismissal.” “My apologies,” Ignis amended, offering the woman a handkerchief. “I underestimated how quick you are in jumping to conclusions, Highness.” Luna sent him an icy glare to which Ignis added, “But I cannot fathom how you would be without your Hand.” Luna dabbed at her eyes. She cannot imagine herself without Ignis either and can undoubtedly forgive him here. “Now, does Noctis know of this? Is that why you’ve come to me?” “I have not consulted him on this, no.” The advisor paused, knowing that he had to explain himself. “It is customary for subjects to the Crown to ask his liege before pursuing a romantic partner.” “From an antiquated tradition that has not been in practice for years? On Eos?” Despite being two years his senior, it still came as a shock to Luna that Ignis was terribly old-fashioned and a secret romantic, Noctis was fortunate indeed. In all the time they had together and cherished, Luna never thought she would see the day when Ignis would consider dating. Her advisor was quite popular among the young ladies at balls and such though he didn’t seem to notice or care of their affections. Luna decided that she will continue to support the two in any way she can. - Noctis took a step back, wiping at his brow as he did so to admire his work. He consulted the cookbook propped on a stand before glancing at the final results. “Not bad after a couple tries,” Noctis commended himself, putting his hands at his hips. “Chef Noct’s got a nice ring to it. If I wanna have a career change.” He may have gone overboard with the quantity of the ingredients and he’s surrounded by an abundance of tofu cartons and potatoes than he ever had in his life, but a pat on the back was in order. The Oracle of Futurity and Crown Prince of Lucis may have been renowned for performing miracles before the age of twenty and now, he can cross off making his boyfriend lunch on the list. Though debatable of how high of an accomplishment this was, it was major. He wouldn’t cook for just anyone. He wouldn’t have asked Gentiana to gather texts of cookbooks or dragged Prompto along to the grocery store for the ingredients for just anyone. Baked tofu skewers and potato salad on a bed of sprouts, a common comfort dish in Tenebrae though the sprouts there served for bedding and to secure the food together in the plastic lunch box. A-not-so novel pairing, but the Prince Oracle thought a meal would ease whatever homesickness the Tenebraean Crown Advisor may experience and it was simple to make. He had let the thoughts ruminate constantly through extravagant recipes far beyond his skill level and wanted to present a meal in good faith while not wanting to show that he didn’t spend more time than necessary to prepare. And from what he glossed over, he found that he was really good at slicing and dicing. The Oracle turned his attention rectangular tin box emblazoned with Lucis’ allied province’s emblem featured by the male King of Light and female Oracle from the Cosmology watercolor illustrations he read as a child. The current bearer of the title and childhood friend, the King of Light, gave it to him. ‘Not yet,” Luna chided with a airy giggle when she stopped Noctis from opening it. ‘When you see Ignis, share these with him.’ Though it was a gentle smile, there was an underlying threat that if she did find out that Noctis didn’t abide with the instruction, he wouldn’t keep his hand. His phone alarm erupted with the iconic King’s Knight victory fanfare. Time to see Ignis. “Unescorted?” Ignis inquired, raising an eyebrow in amusement when Noctis waiting in the reception room alone. “My apologies. Were we to meet today?” One of the guidelines of courtship dictated that the two people involved must always be escorted by designated officers on dates. At times, even Luna joined them and others, Prompto and Gladiolus or Gentiana. For all his life, Noctis had the world’s eyes on him and for once, he would just like just Ignis’ when it was just the two of them. Noctis didn’t have knowledge of Ignis’ intentions to court him until the advisor was granted a private audience with King Regis. Apparently, everyone knew but Noctis. And something in him sang for his own validation, emboldening him. ‘Ask me,’ the Oracle challenged breathlessly when he pulled the advisor to the side, away from prying eyes. Despite wanting the whole world to recognize their relationship, something must be made clear now. ‘Not Luna. Not Dad. Me.’ Ignis won’t be dating the Crown or the Prince Oracle, not even the playboy persona he built up in their first meeting, but Noctis, as he is, no gimmicks. Noctis only wanted Ignis. To his defense, at the time, Noctis thought he and Ignis were dating already, sharing an interest in each other’s hobbies, exchanging letters when they were apart, all but without putting a label on it. He wanted to make it official then and still do. Ignis did ask and Noctis accepted without a moment’s hesitation. “Nope, but you got me anyway. No objections allowed.” Noctis braced himself for Ignis to protest, had a counter in mind that he can’t send him back because an attendant wasn’t in their company. Thankfully, there was none. “Your spontaneity never ceases to amaze me. I find that very refreshing about you.” Surprising him was a good call after all. “But I got something for you,” Noctis announced, holding out the stacked lunch boxes wrapped in a plaid cloth. “Hope you brought your appetite.” The two retired to the courtyard with the lovely view of the garden and greenhouse across from them. “Baked tofu and potato salad,” Ignis studied the dish, approving the vibrant colors. “You made this for me?” “With a dash of sagefire,” Noctis took an imaginary pitch of spice and with a flick of his wrist whisked it into an imaginary dish. “Bam.” As he said it, he felt a case of embarrassment overwhelm him. “How thoughtful,” Ignis reached over to give Noctis’ hand a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll savor every bite.” Ignis eagerly bit into one of the skewers and thoughtfully chewed. Enthusiasm and curiosity then turned to a furrowed brow and a slight grimace. It was gone as instantly as it appeared, but Noctis was attentive enough to not let it pass. “Does it taste bad?” Ignis shook his head, taking another bite. “It’s delicious. The... condiment has a distinctive taste.” Noctis frowned. It was just barbecue sauce. Couldn’t he tell? He snatched a free skewer and dug in before spitting the tofu block right back out. Salt. He mistook for what he thought was sugar for salt and Ignis was still eating it. “Uh, Ignis, you really don’t...” “I’m a man of my word, Noct.” After some time of verbal gymnastics and Noctis trying to retrieve the lunch box only to be thwarted at every turn, Ignis closed the box and sighed happily, “That was delicious.” Noctis completely doubted that, but the potato salad was the only thing that wasn’t ruined. He handed a can of Ebony to him. “Yeah, sure.” “I meant what I said,” Ignis sipped the can. “Because you made it for me. I look forward to the next lunch you’ll bring me.” Well, at least that wasn’t a complete failure. “Hey, Luna gave me this,” Noctis presented the decorated tin box. “Wouldn’t let me open it until I see you. Pretty serious about it, too. Dunno what that’s about.” “Oh?” Ignis tilted his head, quizzically. “Lunafreya’s hardly grave about—“ Cookies, shaped like the rare minted Oracle Ascension Coins commemorating every anointed savior in office, greeted the two men. Instead of edible replicas of the currency, they were edible versions of Noctis and Ignis’ faces with... a distinguished choice of design. No doubt that Luna was going for cute and it took her a great amount of time to design. “Ah, this is certainly her doing. No question about it.” Ignis sighed, picking up a cookie with his face on it. “She knows that I don’t fancy sweets.” He said, putting it close to his parted lips. “Wait!” Ignis looked at him. “Isn’t it...” Noctis averted his gaze. “Isn’t it weird that you going to eat your face?” Ignis smirked. “Would you prefer that I eat yours?” “I...” How was the Oracle supposed to answer that seeing the mischievous gleam in the advisor’s eyes? - Lunch passed by quickly, and Ignis offered to take Noctis back to the Citadel to which the latter accepted wholeheartedly. “May I, Your Highness?” Ignis held out his hand, and Noctis knew what it meant. “You may...” Ignis lowered his head, intending to brush the knuckles with a chaste kiss, the only permitted contact in formal courtship, but Noctis dove in first and met his lips with his own, sealing a first kiss. If there were any doubts that this Prince Oracle wasn’t proactive, those doubts should be dispelled at this point. The advisor was beside himself, his cheeks tinted red and stuttering as he adjusted his glasses. “N-Noct...” “So...” Noctis was grinning until his cheeks hurt, so over the moon that his tongue boldly ran wild with revelation and a growing desire to kiss Ignis again. “Was that your first or...?” “It certainly was not!” It was.

A Princess and a Vampire Walk into a Closet

Part 11 of Starshine, Sky, and the Power of Rock.

Gossamer and I shove through the principal's office door at the same time.

"I am not camping with her!" we both say, pointing at each other.

Sunshine casually stirs a spoonful of honey into a dainty little teacup, not looking up. "What makes you say that?"

I try to get the first word in but Gossamer steps in front of me to say, "Your Majesty, with all due respect, do you honestly trust a vampire left alone in the middle of the forest with a defenseless student to not try anything?"

"I'd hardly call you defenseless when you have your Soul Player, Ms. Glade" Sunshine says. "We'll go over how to use them this week so you'll be ready come Saturday."

Gossamer whimpers, not wanting to go too far in front of a queen. "Okay, scratch the 'defenseless' part, but my point still stands."

Sunshine finally looks up, her expression more inquisitive than anything. "What has Ms. Acdalur done to make you feel unsafe around her?"

"Well, for one, she-"

"Nothing," I say. "I have done nothing to her. Or anyone."

Gossamer scoffs. "Tell that to the princess you put in mortal danger."

"You know I didn't mean to get her in trouble. Plus that was, like, a month ago. How are you not past that?"

"Well, sorry if almost getting people killed is normal for monsters, but here in civilized society-"

"Why does everything come back to monsters with you?"

"It's a little hard to ignore when I have to go to bed every night hoping I won't wake up the next day with half my blood gone."

"As if I want your blood-"

"Cupcake or cinnamon roll?" Sunshine interrupts.

Gossamer and I exchange puzzled looks. "What?" we say.

Sunshine rolls her desk chair over to a keyboard set up against the wall. She plays a short tune and a tray materializes on her desk, vanilla cupcakes topped with yellow frosting butterflies on one side and fresh cinnamon rolls dripping with icing on the other. Our mouths water despite our confusion.

"Both of you, sit down," Sunshine says. "Ms. Acdalur, choose a pastry."

"How come she gets one?" Gossamer whines but Sunshine puts up a silencing hand before prompting me to pick one. I take a cinnamon roll and sit myself down in one of her big, squishy chairs.

"Ms. Acdalur, you are going to eat silently while Ms. Glade explains herself. We'll reverse things once it's your turn to speak."

I'm a little less interested in the cinnamon roll now that I know it's a glorified pacifier but the warm, sugary smell draws me back in. Next thing I know my mouth is full of soft, cinnamon goodness and Gossamer's is full of bile.

"Your Majesty, if you want proof that Skylar isn't to be trusted, you need only remember what she is," Gossamer starts. "Now, I've done my fair share of research on monsters. Vampires in particular, actually, and I know them to be morally bankrupt. Cunning, but soulless. They're just animated corpses that put on a very convincing act. They draw you in until you think they're your friend, and then they strike."

"Is that what your daddy told you?" I can't help saying through a mouthful of pastry.

Sunshine gives me a warning look. "And you think this will happen on your retreat?" she asks.

Gossamer nods. "Precisely."

"Interesting," Sunshine says, pretending to consider this. "But surely that can't be said about all vampires, right? What if assumptions were thrown at you over something you can't control?"

Gossamer opens her mouth. Closes it. Opens it. Closes it again. "I suppose that would be unfair," she says. "But... but that's different."

"How so?" Sunshine asks.

"Well..." Gossamer struggles to come up with something to support her stupid argument. "Well, look at her!" she says, pointing at me. "That's a false equivalence! We're not talking about elves, we're talking about vampires! That's totally different!"

"This isn't going anywhere, can it be my turn?" I say after licking the icing off my fingers.

Sunshine looks at Gossamer, then nods towards the tray. Gossamer huffs, grabs a cupcake, and tears into it the way she'd probably like to tear into me.

"I just don't wanna be stuck with that for a whole day," I say, nodding to Gossamer.

"Oh! So, I'm concerned with making it through the night, and you're concerned with being with the annoying girl!" Gossamer says.

"Eat your cupcake," Sunshine says. Gossamer obeys.

I continue, "Plus I'm not from here. I don't know what the... What did you call it? Serpent-something..."

"Serpentine Forest," Sunshine says.

"Yeah I've never heard of that. I'd rather figure that out with someone who won't be nagging me the whole time. Like Star."

Sunshine nods. "I see. Well, I do agree that my daughter will likely be a more patient teacher than Ms. Glade - no offense, dear - but that's why I specifically paired her with Ms. Waxing and Ms. Essence, who are both still getting used to their new centers of gravity. And I wouldn't call Ms. Glade a useless partner. Far from. The Serpentine Forest is actually in her home province, Hillside, so I'd say she knows it better than anyone else in your band. Coupling that with your camping experience, you two should make a wonderful team. After all, the point of the retreat is teamwork, right? Isn't that what you need in a band? And in a set of roommates?"

"Yeah, but..." Gossamer and I both say but neither of us can come up with a way to argue back.

Sunshine smiles. "You two will see. I have faith in both of you. Now, don't you girls have homework?"

💙💙💙

Now that we're done going over the basics in songwriting class Mr. Crystalline has made every band decide who in their group will be in charge of what. Our assignment due Monday is to write and record our first song for our band. Star performed Save the World for the other girls and they decided that'd be a good jumping-off point but the lyricist and composer would have to tweak it a bit to make sure everything gels since right now it shows that the lyrics and music started out as separate pieces.

Now I'm at the door to Star's room, guitar case in one hand and sheet music in the other, kicking myself for not expecting guards to be posted by the princess's bedroom.

"State your business," one says.

"Uh, Star and I have to work on an assignment."

"Likely story,"

"And a true one," Star says, opening the door. "She's good, boys. I invited her. Hi, Sky! Come in, come in!"

I didn't know bedrooms came this big. Her huge canopy bed barely takes up a quarter of the room. A writing desk sits to my left. A full-length mirror sits to my right. A balcony with glass double doors sits in front of me. And... Is that a karaoke machine? Attached to a mini stage? In her bedroom?

Everything is either in cool pastels or deep, dark blues and purples. And sparkly, everything is sparkly. At first I think it's glitter that everything is covered in but then I remember I'm in a princess's room and realize it's precious gems.

"So?" Star says. "You like my room?"

All I can muster is a faint chuckle.

Star smiles. "I'll take that as a yes."

It takes us all of 15 minutes to work out the the basic song's major kinks. It takes 15 more to decide on the harmonies and half of that time is spent debating whether or not we should make it five-part because that would mean Pearl would have to sing and we barely know what her speaking voice sounds like, let alone her singing voice. Hell, I've already got the arrangement in mind but we'll discuss that with the others tomorrow. I haven't worked this fast on a song in months. I guess having a partner helps. I never thought I'd be able to write a song with anyone other than... Ah crap.

"Sky? Are you okay?" Star says.

"Yeah I'm fine," I lie.

Star looks me deep in the eyes. "No, you're not." She closes her journal, makes me put down my guitar. "You keep snapping into these depressive moods. Like, all the time. What is it?"

I shrug. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Girl, don't lie to me. Come on, spill! Talking about stuff always makes me feel better."

I try to scoot away from her spot on the rug but she scoots right to me. She rests her chin on my shoulder, sending the warmth from her living body into my cold, dead one.

"Uh..." She's making me nervous.

"Pleeeease?" she asks. She pleads with her eyes as much as she does with her voice. She looks desperate to help me. It makes me feel a little bad, honestly, worrying her like this. Bad enough to make me cave.

"I guess holding it in isn't helping," I sigh. Where do I even start with this? "Uh... Remember that werewolf guy?"

"The one that tried to kill you?"

My stomach turns inside out. "Yeah," I manage. "That guy. He... uh... He taught me everything I know."

Star sits up straight. "What!? H-how did that even happen?"

"Our families were friends. I knew him basically my whole life." I feel like I'm gonna puke just talking about him but I keep going. "He got me into rock. Into guitar. It made me feel like... I don't know... like I amounted to something. I wanted to be just like him when I grew up."

"Sky..."

I distantly realize my voice is raising. "I thought The Band of Darkness was protecting our kingdom. I thought he was protecting our kingdom and I wanted to do the same. I was gonna be just like him."

"Sky?"

"He was my best friend. No, he was like- he was like a-a brother, and-"

"Skylar!" Star grabs me by the shoulders. She looks me dead in the eyes, filled with sorrow, wanting to understand.

Oh no my eyes are stinging. I break free from her grip and turn away, move to the other side of the room if I have to.

"Sky! Sky, no, I'm so sorry for prying!" Star says.

"It's fine," I croak. I wipe at my eyes until the lids are raw. Star's arms wrap around me, pull me into a tight hug. Her heart beats against my silent chest.

"I'm here for you, girl."

I think about responding but if any sound comes out of my mouth it's gonna lead to crying.

"You have real friends now," Star says. "I promise, I'll never try to hurt you or turn out to be evil or something. In fact... hold on, I'm gonna cheer you up!" She lets go and runs over to a big wardrobe. Or well... I thought the outside looked big but when she opens it I see the inside is gigantic. The wardrobe opens into a walk-in closet that's even bigger than her bedroom!

She grabs me by the hands and guides me inside. "Come in!"

Rows and rows of clothes hang on the walls, hyper-organized by color and type and length and fabric and probably other stuff I can't pick up on. There's a shelf taller than either of us just for shoes and another just for tiaras. Before, I'd been surprised that her room didn't have a vanity since she loves makeup so much but now I see that's because her vanity is in here and boy is it ever loaded with the stuff.

The shock makes me forget my sorrow for the time being. "How... How is this..."

"I can't really give you the physics on how all this fits in my wardrobe, but I call it the 'bigger on the inside' spell. We use it all over the palace. It's how we managed to fit a whole boarding school and military base inside without the outside building blocking out the sun wherever it goes."

"Whoa..." is all I can say. I've been shocked by a lot of the Land of Light's technology over the past month. Machines that wash and dry clothes for you, little boxes you just stick food inside to reheat, moving pictures you can watch on screens. Where I'm from you have to be pretty rich to get stuff like that yet the kids here act like that stuff is totally normal. But this... This can't be normal anywhere. "Where do you even get all these clothes?" I ask her.

"Oh, the nicer pieces come from my tailors," she says like tailors are something anyone has. "But a lot of it comes from shops all over the kingdom. It's one of the perks that comes with always moving around!"

"So..." I say, picking up a glittery pair of shoes. "Where are these from, then?"

"Ah..." Star says, ears flattening. "Careful with those, they're a gift."

I put them back gently. "Gift, huh? From who?"

Star gives a coy smile. "An admirer."

"Admirer?"

"Mm hm. I forget which one, it's hard to keep track of them all."

Wow. We really are from different worlds. "I can't imagine having your problems..."

Star frowns. "Sky, look, I know you're... not exactly the most popular kid at school, but that's no reason to let it get to you."

I snort. "That's easy to say when you're a gorgeous princess with a magical singing voice who's famous for something she hasn't done yet."

"You think I'm gorgeous?" Star asks, playing with her hair. "I-I mean, yeah, maybe I have it easy but-"

"But what? I'm a total freak no matter where I go." I'm suddenly aware of how small I am compared to this huge closet. I turn and there's a mirror in front of me. Everything around me sparkles, including Star. Everything is so colorful, full of life. Even my uniform. But not me. "Sometimes I think... I don't know... What am I even doing here?" Star comes up beside me. Flawless tan skin. Not a shiny hair out of place. A perfectly pressed princess next to an undead loser.

"There's no way," Star says.

"What?"

"There's no way the girl I saw spit in the face of the guy that was threatening her with an axe is this insecure."

"What? No, I'm not insecure," I say. "You think an insecure person would commit treason just to get into this school?"

"I think an insecure person would freeze up every time she has a crowd watching her and would call herself a total freak."

I sigh. "Okay, maybe I'm a little insecure..."

"Exactly. Which begs the question of why."

I give an empty chuckle. "You want the short version or..."

"Sky, come on."

I shake my head. "I don't know, it wasn't that bad until lately. I thought getting away from the Isle would... I don't know... I've just got a lot of baggage back there and..."

"Didn't you have friends?" she asks.

The answer almost hurts too much to give. "I, uh... It's... The weird quiet kid is an easy target..."

"What?"

I take off my blazer, roll up my right sleeve. I can't believe I'm doing this, but something about her brings my guard down. She just seems so sincere, somehow.

"See this?" I ask her, pointing to the scar down the top of my forearm. "Got that last year from someone who thought it'd be funny to see what the albino that kept getting kicked out of schools would do if he pushed her around enough. And this one?" I say, undoing the top buttons on my shirt and showing the four lines of scar tissue embedded in my chest, "Five years ago. I don't even remember how it got there but it was with a fork and it hurt real bad."

Star is horrified. "Oh my goodness, I had no idea!"

"Of course you didn't," I say, covering myself back up. "I'm not letting anyone see that."

I'm doing the last button on my blazer when I realize Star is weeping. "I'm so sorry," she sniffles. "If I had known-"

"There's nothing to be sorry about," I tell her. I pat her on the back and her whimpers stop. "My point is, I... I guess I just thought things would be better here. But it turns out I'm even more different here than I ever was back home. Even my roommate hates me."

Star doesn't know what to say for a moment. "What's so bad about being different?" she finally asks. "If anything, I'd say that's one of the coolest things about you."

"What?"

"No, really! I mean, you're really downplaying how big of a deal it is that you're the first monster to be a student here. I don't even know how you got your application in in the first place."

"Illegal magic may have been involved," I admit.

"And then you made it all the way across Saline Deep by yourself just because you wanted to do what was right."

"I did, didn't I?" I say. Obviously, I knew I'd done it, but it never struck me as amazing before. It was just what I had to do.

"The two of us battled the Band of Darkness on our first day of school and lived to tell the tale!"

"Yeah. Yeah, we did!"

Star puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in. "Girl, you're amazing! Anyone who doesn't see that isn't looking right!"

I smile for real. I notice she doesn't look down at my fangs this time like she's been doing this whole month.

"You know, as weird as it sounds, I actually felt a little insecure myself when I first became a princess," Star says. "It was really awkward, going from being a penniless orphan to being waited on hand and foot. I didn't feel like the prophetic paragon everyone said I'd become. But then I learned a little trick, which actually brings me to why I brought you in here in the first place." She heads over to what looks like a second wardrobe inside the one we're already in, but when she opens it the only thing inside it is countless pieces of sparkling jewelry. She picks up a necklace and walks back over to me.

"You're spoiled, you know that?" I say playfully.

Star flips her hair. "Oh, I'm well aware. Here, I went through a massive rainbow phase when I was thirteen before finally realizing it super clashed with my hair color. But on you, I think it'll look perfect." She holds up the long chain, a pale, rainbow-colored jewel cut in the shape of a heart hanging from it. "Don't worry, the chain isn't silver, it's platinum."

My eyebrows raise. "Platinum?"

"Well, I'm not giving you a necklace that'll burn your skin and gold is so tacky-"

"Why are you giving me this?"

"Because you need to learn a lesson about being comfy in your own skin."

"Isn't it supposed to be the inside that counts?"

Star scoffs. "Well, duh! Exactly! The way I see it, if the insides and outsides don't match, of course you're not gonna feel good about yourself. You're not seeing the best parts of you. And for most people, seeing is believing."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I use this..." she twirls, gesturing to the massive closet around her. "To turn my outer vessel into a mode of expression for my inner self."

I blink in confusion.

"I use fashion to express myself," she says. "I'm a beacon of hope, a shining star! That's why I wear so many sparklies! Not to get people to like me but because it represents me! And what's not to like about me?" She lovingly caresses a purple ring on her finger. "Amethyst has been out of style for years now and is only semiprecious but I still wear it because it's just so me! And if you ask me, no matter how many people say you're some scary creature of the night, this necklace will remind everyone you meet that behind those fangs is a beautiful heart."

"My heart doesn't work," I say.

"Your metaphorical heart, silly!" Star says. "Now, come here." She sits me at her vanity, moves my hair out of the way, and slips the necklace on me. Her warm fingers fiddle with the clasp on the back of my neck, tickling me. I fight the urge not to squirm from the feeling. She moves my hair back behind my shoulders. Frowns in concentration. Moves a bit in front again. Smooths my bangs. Ruffles them again. "There we go."

I try to see myself with fresh eyes. I see a vampire in a Royal Academy of Rock uniform. I see unkempt hair, falling on the shoulder pads of a pristine blazer. I see dark circles in a face I can admit is pretty symmetrical. I see the only set of fangs in this building. And underneath it I see a colorful, glittering heart. A paradox in the form of a person. I guess that is kinda cool.

Star smiles. "Looks like I'm not the only gorgeous girl in this room."

"What if no one agrees?"

"Well, that sounds like a them problem," Star says. We giggle.

I leave Star's room feeling a lot better than I did coming in. Not perfect by any stretch. But better. Definitely better.

But there's something still there. A darkness that won't leave.