#having adhd is terrible
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Having undiagnosed ADHD until you’re an adult is so hard because it has shaped so much of your life and personality it’s hard to tell where it ends and you begin, but it’s also the answer to every time you have screamed, crying, frustrated with yourself “WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!?!”
#having adhd is terrible#but also great#it made me develop some of my best traits#but it is also responsible for nearly all of my biggest frustrations#and I think it is as impossible for neurotypical people to grasp as it is for me to grasp neurotypical ways#yes I do love things passionately and with a contagious enthusiasm#yes I also cannot pick up the sock that’s been sitting on the floor driving me crazy for months#adhd#adhd problems#adhd things#actually adhd#adult adhd
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wow... what a season. it feels weird to say that this little 6-episode side quest, in all of the 19 seasons of d20, is one of my favorites they've ever done but it just is. it had all the stakes and humor and drama that you could possibly want, all balanced with an incredible cast of players. the table chemistry was excellent, the characters were so perfectly themselves, the TROPES were OFF THE CHARTS!
i can't quite remember the last time i finished something and ached so sharply for there to be more. i just know I'm gonna be thinking about this one for a long time
#i didnt delay watching the ep like i normally would so i feel like ill end up delaying making posts about it instead lol#i dont WANT to. i have lots of thoughts id like to share. but also once i get started putting them to words im gonna get WAY off track.#lots of revising will need to be done.#the adhd is strong with this one.#v excited to continue collecting cool art and fanfics tho. ever since trw ive been on the verge of picking up writing again#and i fear the worst for my already terribly hectic behaviors when it comes to hyperfixation consumption#dimension 20#d20#mentopolis
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merry christmas to me i have now checked off "built new pc from scratch and didn't Fuck It Up" from my life achievements
#i have 300 bookmarked tabs dedicated to one (1) type of house decor i cant bring myself to decide on#and have for 3 months#but i spontaneously got very fed up with my terrible old laptop's keyboard going out again#and was confronted with an open box radeon gpu at a reasonable price#and in less than 72 hours from beginning to now and no prior knowledge: i have a pc lmao#adhd fly by seat of pants go brrrrrrrrr#anyway! maybe i will draw now!! now that opening an art program or browser isnt an hour long fight!!
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Grimmchild growing up
#interrupting the requests for some Grimmchild posting#i was inspired for these#adhd brain got that penis song stuck in my mind#and i believe that ghost can be a terrible influence on the baby#worst babysitter ever but grimm cant hire anyone else#also hinted grollow bc ofc i have to#Grimmchild#grimm#troupe master grimm#hollow knight#pure vessel#ghost (hollow knight)#bubba doods#grollow#grimmhollow#arson duo hk
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head in hands like "maybe i should have realized this about myself sooner" as i am surrounded by neon flashing signs that Very Clearly Indicate the thing i should have realized about myself sooner
#anyway i'm just mulling about the 'tism skdjfhgljhdfg#thinking about how i've been having a hard time on site with my internship because i struggle to make small talk with my superiors#and everything is uncomfortable and terrible all of the time and i feel so so out of my depth#but talking with my university superior about the methodology of our profession#has me feeling like i'm playing just dance on extreme and i'm nailing every single beat w#like quite literally is like one of those rhythm games where when you get a combo it plays a cool sound effect#and i'm playing so well the sound effects are overlapping and the screen is just an explosion of stars w#so yeah i am. very comfortable talking academics and theory and things but. shit in social situations.#when i don't have that to rely on whoops#anyway it's just another thing on the incredibly long list of things i have building in my mind of#'why i should have realized i'm probably on the spectrum sooner'#the thrilling sequel to 'how did i go 20+ years without realizing i have ADHD' w#(speaking of)#(the way my ADHD has been leaping into the spotlight this week)#(biggest highlight was being jumpscared not once)#(not twice!!)#(but THREE times by food i had bought for myself)#(put down briefly)#(and then forgotten about for upwards of 30 minutes to 5 hours)#(like the other day i bought myself a little pastry on the way home as a congrats for surviving another week)#(and i put it on the table when i came inside)#(but i. forgot i did that. and went like 4 hours without even thinking about it)#(until i got up and left my room and saw the bag and went '! ! ! ! ! ! ! OH MY GO D MY PASTRY NOOOOOOO')#(the adhd and the autism . . . . they are attacking my ass . . . . . )
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everyone really does love luz and that is the correct response. in most cases it makes no sense for one character to be universally liked by the rest of the cast and it feels like weird pandering but if you don't love luz then there is something fundamentally wrong with you. like. look at her. she's literally the perfect girl.
#well. the vaguely neurotypical humans don't like her but everyone who matters does. as they should#god her ADHD is so bad it's causing me physical pain as i watch. like#oh honey. oh honey i have been there. luz handshake me having the nightmare gremlin terrible decision making type of ADHD#luz makes way better choices and is a way kinder person than i ever was though. because of how she is perfect.#it turns out i am indeed becoming insane and morphing into the most annoying person on god's green earth with this rewatch.#sorry everyone. you're gonna have to put up with this for. however long the hyperfixation lasts.#toh#luz noceda
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I DO NOT. HAVE TIME. FOR A NEW HYPERFIXATION. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
#I watched half of nerdy prudes must die with my partner on Wednesday and finished watching it last night and then decided that seeing the#lords in black made me wanna actually watch nightmare time bc I tried when it came out but the format/video quality of the first one made#me never keep watching it but I wasn’t feeling well today so I watched the first episode and then I had rehearsal and watched the second#one after that. help.#time bastard is absolutely horrifying and I love it so much#but also HELP I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS IT’S CONFERENCE SEASON#AKA AT MY SCHOOL WHEN ALL THE BIG PROJECTS CAUSE WE DON’T HAVE TEST FINALS JUST BIG PROJECTS ARE ALMOST DUE I CAN’T DO THIS RIGHT NOW#HELP#hyperfixation#adhd#autism#nightmare time#hatchetfield#starkid#team starkid#<333333#but also NO PLEASE WHY COULDN’T THIS HAVE JUST HAPPENED THREE WEEKS LATER#being neurodivergent is so funny bc no neurotypical will ever understand the feeling of something making you so happy and being so goddamn#mad that this is happening it’s so funny it’s terrible I hate it help dkdhdgdjdhdg#the heir speaks
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hey have u guys read the fic bandit queens of the mont satiné shopping mall. (shaking through tears) i think u should. join me in my insanity <3
#butterfly soup#ppkm#pretend this is framed and colored really well it did not turn out exactly as i envisioned. also technically#i wanted to start the line earlier but . i didn't leave enough room on the paper! oops! so#you'll just have to read the fic! to find out what it was <3#I've read it so many times because uh. it makes me so insane (positive). this scene and . so many others#written in such a way that highlights what i love about the ppkm dynamic so much. i'm illiterate i can't describe it perfect but#I'd. i wanted to do more of the scene where they were actually on the carousel but i thought about drawing horse and was like. nope.#but it is so good. the. ouhhhhhhhh. ohhhhhhhhhhhh.#funny story i am terrible at reading (adhd) and when i get excited I skip lines on accident#and the first time around I missed the line where they get off the carousel so I imagined them having this intense conversation while#still on the carousel spinning around. made myself so dizzy. sob emoji#anyways this??? the confession???? illegal activity??!! queer activity????!!! gamestop?????!!!???? *explodes*#i duno what else to say I'm exploding . maybe i'll draw more who knows who knows . peepeeketchup man . chomping at the bars of my enclosure#wow not purple! (they drew the whole thing in purple originally and then decided it was not *the vibe* so he added 400 multiply layers)#roi draws
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I have to read an entire novel over winter break for english class and analyze it etc and it's a novel I chose myself and actively have wanted to read but im still like. this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me how could they DO THIS
#im such a bad reader u have NO IDEA#my terrible vision and weak eye muscles + adhd + probably dyslexia have a single wiki entry beating my ass#idk how im gonna read an entire novel in two weeks. like it might be over for me#i have an audiobook and a digital copy of the book to follow along w/ but im still like. wahh#txt
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David: okay, men! time to take your amphetamines!
David, twenty minutes later, seeing at least half his men chill out, stop fidgeting, finally write their letters home, and maybe even take a little nap: um...
#sas rogue heroes#this one is for the target audience of me. courtesy of how damn sleepy my meds make me#i very very very much doubt that the doses they gave back then were low enough to have even the faintest therapeutic benefit for adhd ever#so this is a terrible joke very firmly removed from reality#show universe where it's a much smaller dose and david calls in gamal because wtf is going on with his men that's not supposed to happen#gamal's conclusion: 'well none of you are normal'
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im fr going to burst into tears because i love my girlfriend so much. i didn't realize it was possible for a person to be so nice to me. none of my partners ever treated me this way before.
#wordy wendy#i self medicate with caffeine because i cant afford an adhd diagnosis#and so the only thing i buy from amazon dot com is a sub for 2 carts of rockstar to be sent to my house biweekly#my whole routine hinges on this rockstar shipment#its what makes my focus work#but amazon is a terrible website and will often just. say packages are delivered when theyre days away#so i will run out and not replenish cause i think i have rockstar at my house#and it happens so often i've just accepted it#but bailey! bailey!#bailey said no! i will buy you some! i will have it delivered to your house!#and she did! and that wasnt enough she got me sugar free pudding and hersheys#and she found SUGAR FREE SWEETBREAD#A COCONUT LOAF#I HAVENT HAD ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN OVER 5 YEARS I HAD NO IDEA IT EXISTED#BUT I TOOK ONE BITE AND I ALMOST STARTED CRYING#and the whole time i was just thinking about that fic i wrote at the beginning of the year#and franziska having her horrible fucking birthday. and how all it took was a girl bringing her sweetbreads to see her bursting into tears#and i felt serenity
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I'm stressed again. About what?. About nearly everything. If you've seen or are willing to go through my vent tag, I've had so many problems over the years. Mom died, turned 18, soon have to leave high school, haven't had any hyperfixations besides politics in 5-6 months (and politics is starting to stress me out too). It's awful. I don't always even feel like people see these posts. And that makes me feel worse. Because if I'm making a bunch of random posts about my depression, I wish someone could see them.
#sigh...#sad#sadness#autism#asd#neurodivergent#autistic#adhd#actually autistic#audhd#vent#I have so many posts like this now#If you just go through them all#it's terrible#venting#actually audhd
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footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia
#this isn’t about anything in particular btw. I just have to add a lot of memos when I’m doing things because some things are done a certain#way and it isn’t explained well in the instructions. like my mom has instructions on her baking recipes right#but when it says stuff like add dry ingredients to wet ingredients it also means you don’t dump it in one go you add it slowly by portion#this is probably why I find videos and demonstrations the most helpful when I learn something. like I almost always ask someone to show me#how they do it because there could be something they do that’s already second nature and wouldn’t really be considered in an explanation yk#I don’t think I’m an exception either. when the rice is done cooking I divide it into 4 quarters to bless it#but there are a million ways to divide rice and it makes me think that one persons way of doing it or not doing it all is just as valid#theres also technically no wrong way to divide rice afaik. this means either all ways of dividing rice is safe or valid until we find some#universally terrible way of dividing rice. until that happens nobody really thinks about specifying HOW you divide the rice#source: I have anxiety starting and doing things for the first time because I got way too many people yell at me NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING#THATS WRONG while I’m in the middle of doing the thing. I would rather have people think I’m either very stupid or overly specific#than go thru the panic inducing fear of ‘YOURE DOING THIS WRONG OMG WHY DIDNT YOU ASK AHEAD OF TIME THIS WILL BE FUCKED UP FOREVER’ 🧍#nothing wrong if you don’t give something a second thought because you’re so used to it. but I can and will ask about it and I don’t think I#really should feel bad about it if I don’t know enough to dispute it. idk#the other way around I try to be as specific as possible and word things in a way that people who might not get where I’m coming from will#understand. but the problem with that is my explanations tend to be lengthy and I lose them either way 🗿#Im. trying to work on that using examples and stuff because they seem to work the best#but if I could write everything down on a word doc and beam it into your melon that would save both of us time and embarassment#im rambling the short version is I have adhd#yapping
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watching house is a trip but hearing the writers early opinions is so funny "he's not autistic he's just an eccentric jerk" "house isn't in love with wilson they're both straight" not only did you write an autistic bisexual you also gave him adhd and complex ptsd.
#💖.txt#yes the man who avoids eye contact for everything except manipulation and cannot sit still despite massive amounts of chronic pain has#zero autism and adhd. also ik the show /kind of/ suggests he has trauma but man do they handle house's childhood trauma terribly#like maybe its just me but i think getting thrown into an ice bath for disobedience is plenty reason to skip ur dads funeral!#i get other characters not taking house at his word bc. his word means jack shit! but i feel like they easily couldve had wilson express#more sympathy about the situation. like he knows house dislikes his dad for A Reason#he just doesnt know what the reason is#but its so funny how many times writers make an autistic character and then WITHIN CANON reference that they have traits associated#with autism and then go no??? theyre just supposed to be weird :)#anyways no one does baiting like house md. and no one ever will they perfected the art
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unexpected benefit of testosterone: i have significantly less trouble showering
#in part because of the sliightly lessened dysphoria#mostly because i now have a terrible debilitating fear of t making me smell worse#which is like. an adhd loophole#now there is the instant post shower dopamine of being certain i smell fine#for the next several hours anyways
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