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happy74827 · 7 months

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Burning Bridges

[Dexter Morgan x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: Upon an incident that was out of your control, Dexter comes to the realization that it wasn't just a coincidence.

WC: 1951

Category: Slight Angst, Hurt/Comfort

I forgot how much I missed this show (him), so I decided to write another. It's been so long since I last wrote for him that I actually see the difference in my writing. It's wack.

『••✎••』

Dexter was many things… a brother, a son, a pro bowler, a serial killer… but what he lacked was being a good friend.

He didn't understand friendship or its value. It was something that he simply couldn't grasp. Sure, he was able to fake it well enough in order to make sure that people liked him and didn't find him too creepy or strange, but there was never any real emotional connection. In his mind, everyone was either someone he needed or someone he didn't need, and he would treat them accordingly. The only exceptions to this rule were his sister, Debra, and you.

The two of you had met back in college, having been assigned to be each other's partners for a group project. It was a poetry class and a course that Dexter hadn't really wanted to take, but a general education requirement and the promise of an easy A convinced him to at least show-up and suffer through it. Well, for a guy who had to fake every single aspect of his personality in order to fit in with society, it turned out that poetry didn’t come quite as easily as he thought it would.

He had always found the art form to be rather silly, with all the emphasis on metaphors and flowery language. There was no purpose or goal other than to be creative and artsy, and it bored him to no end. The first time you had sat down with him to discuss the project, you could tell how much he didn't want to be there, and the look of complete disinterest on his face as he tried to figure out what your poem meant was the most hilarious thing that you had seen in a while. You couldn't help but laugh, the sound of which made him sit up and give you a quizzical look.

"What?" He asked, tilting his head slightly, confused.

"Nothing," you replied, still giggling. "It's just that I can tell that you don't like poetry."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you haven't said a word; you're just sitting there, staring off into space and twirling your pencil between your fingers," you told him, and he glanced down at the utensil as if he didn't realize that he was doing that.

"Oh. Sorry, I guess," he apologized, his tone making it clear that he was actually a little annoyed at having been called out on his inattentiveness.

"That's okay. I like poetry, so I'll be happy to do most of the work," you offered, smiling sweetly, and his eyebrows raised.

And that you did. In fact, you loved it so much that you majored in English and planned on getting your Masters, while Dexter got his degree in criminology. It was a nice trade-off because while he struggled in poetry, getting down into the debts of his feelings that were nonexistent, you struggled with chemistry, unable to wrap your head around the subject no matter how hard you tried.

So, the two of you had a mutually beneficial agreement. You did all the work for the poetry class, and in exchange, he tutored you in chemistry and made sure that you got a decent grade. Once the class was over and done with, the two of you stayed friends, though you had very little in common. Dexter had no interest in books, and you had no interest in criminology. He was a loner, and you had plenty of friends. You were a romantic, and he was completely unromantic. He didn't even have a girlfriend, and you had been in three different relationships over the course of the two years that you had known him.

Still, the two of you got along well enough. You were one of the only people that Dexter could actually stand for more than five minutes, and he was the same to you. So you went out to the bar sometimes, hung out with his sister, and did your best to keep him company while also doing your best to try to set him up on dates, hoping that one of these days, he'd actually find someone. It eventually did work out when you found him Rita, but as of right now, she had broken up with him, and he was back to being a lonely bachelor which it didn't bother him much until now.

You were in the hospital, your head wrapped and bandaged like a mummy. You were apparently attacked outside the grocery store, and if it wasn’t for the small instructions he had given you for self-defense, you most likely wouldn’t have survived.

At first, Dexter didn’t think of it as anything important in terms of his line of work. He believed it to be a coincidence, a random crime in the night. But it turned into something more the night he decided to visit with some cake.

“How’s the head?” He asked as he came inside, seeing you propped up reading. Of course, you were reading.

You shrugged. “Like I’m wearing a sweater hat, but it doesn't hurt, so there's that." You paused, setting down your book and glancing at him. "I’m still salty about my groceries. Almost two hundred dollars I spent on that stuff. Gone. Wasted. Poof."

Dexter had to chuckle a bit. "Hey, I can't do much about the food, but I brought you something," he said, revealing the white box.

"Is it chocolate? If it is, I love you," you joked.

"No, it's just vanilla. But, here."

He opened the lid and showed you, and you immediately lit up.

"Awww, Dexter! You are the best friend ever," you gushed, giving him a warm smile.

He smiled back. "It's the least I could do."

He was cutting it up for you when he noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. You didn’t seem to notice, but out in the hall, a shadow passed by the window. His body went on alert, eyes flickering towards the door. He couldn’t see much, but he could make out an elderly man with gray hair and a beard.

Dexter's face remained unchanged, though his body language betrayed him as he sat the cake knife down. He knew that look. That look in a man's eyes when he was looking at prey. This was a predator.

"Hey, uh, what was that description again? Of the man who attacked you," Dexter asked, his tone a bit distracted.

"You mean Santa Claus on drugs? That pretty much sums it up. Why?" You looked up, confused.

"I don't know. It's probably nothing."

But it was something. The man had apparently come back to finish the job, and Dexter's jaw clenched at the thought. He was already planning his death in his mind. It wouldn’t be pretty. He gave you a piece of cake, swearing that he’d be back soon before going after the man. He stopped at the lobby momentarily, informing Angel to keep an eye on you, which, of course, the cop complied with.

Angel was a good cop. He was loyal, smart, and a damn good shot. But there was one thing that made him a great cop. He cared about his city and the people in it. He would protect the innocent no matter the cost, especially when it came down to those he was closest to. He was the kind of guy who would risk his life without a second thought if it meant saving others.

This is why Dexter liked Angel and why he was the only one that he trusted with this job.

Finding the man was extremely easy on his part. Dexter already knew what the guy’s plan was, so he stuck around outside the parking lot, watching the shadows. After a few minutes, the man appeared, heading towards the entrance once again.

He never got that far.

A hand was clamped over his mouth while the other dragged him away from the double doors and towards the side of the building. Dexter didn’t pull out his knife, though, only resorting to his arms as he applied pressure against his throat. The man fought, trying to break free, but he didn't get the chance. Dexter didn’t kill him, no, not yet, but his arm was still strong, and he had no plans to let go.

“Listen closely. If you so much as look the wrong way, I will rip your heart out and shove it down your throat. Understand? Nod if you do," he threatened, his voice calm and even. The man nodded, terrified, his eyes wide.

"Good," Dexter replied, “Why are you here?"

The man was quiet, but he was breathing heavily, and his eyes were watering.

"Talk. That girl, why are you after her?"

"I’m not—”

"You attacked her, and now you came back to finish the job, did you not? Who sent you?"

The man was sweating; his face was flushed and red. Dexter was pressing too hard, and his victim was starting to lose air. He didn’t care.

"Who?" He repeated.

The man choked, unable to speak.

"Last chance. Who sent you? And don't lie to me."

The man didn’t answer, and Dexter tightened his hold. That finally did it. The man began to squirm violently, trying to break free, but it was too late. His face started to turn purple, and Dexter had to adjust his grip and pull him closer.

“It wasn’t personal! I had to! I didn't have a choice! It was just a job!" He gasped out, struggling for air. “I got paid to do it. I was just doing what I was told! Please, please, don't kill me."

"Who was it?"

"I—I don’t know. It was some lady. I met her at a bar. She didn’t give her name, but he wasn’t American. She gave me ten thousand dollars and told me that the job was to attack this chick in the parking lot and make it look like an attempted robbery. Said it had to be done in a couple of days. Listen, man, I didn't want to do it. But the money—"

"What did she look like?" Dexter cut in.

"Dark hair. Young. I don't know! I don't know, I swear. She wore sunglasses the whole time. Please, don’t kill me. Please."

Suddenly, it hit him like a ton of bricks. The Dark Passenger was roaring, the realization washing over him like cold water.

Lila.

Everything made sense now. The way she had suddenly showed up out of nowhere, the incident outside the bowling alley, her sudden interest in you. It all made sense. She was behind it. She had done it.

Dexter wanted to snap the man's neck. He wanted to rip his throat out. He wanted to take his knife and stab him over and over again, to punish him for what he had done to you, but he refrained. He had the answers he needed, and the cameras around were still running.

He dropped him and watched him collapse, gasping for air. He didn't move, too scared and in shock to do so. Dexter didn’t say a word; his anger was silent, but it was boiling beneath his skin.

He was going to kill her. He was going to hunt her down and end her, and there was no place on Earth where she could hide.

“You ever, and I mean ever, come near her again; I will tear out your spine and make you choke on it. Understand?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I understand."

Dexter didn’t say anything else; he simply walked off, his hands stuffed into his pockets. He had a lot to think about.

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prince-liest · 3 months

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Don't mind me getting on my soapbox for a moment... a lot of this musing is admittedly for the sake of my own processing of this topic, re: aroaceness. Read at your own peril! <3

I'm generally a very "ship and let ship" kind of person, but I think I would definitely append a little caveat of, like, "As long as you're not being actively invalidating and detrimental to others" to that. Which is a delightfully vague statement that can be interpreted practically any way, I know, hahaha.

In the case of this particular post I've just been thinking about how, like... seeing an aroace character like Alastor get written into dozens upon dozens of PWPs (including ones that don't even touch on the subject of his aceness at all) is really not something that I personally find to be hurtful or offensive. It's just smut for the sake of smut, of a character people want to see awful, sexy things done to (or doing). Valid! I vibe with you! More people should just write the PWPs they want to see in the world!

But on the other hand, I've several times seen this very particular type of art (usually it's a comic, but admittedly I haven't been reading very many Hazbin Hotel fics so maybe it's there, too) where Alastor is slotted into the "methinks the lady doth protest too much" trope. As in, he's expressing strong feelings about a character (usually Vox or Lucifer, sometimes Angel Dust) to someone, probably Rosie, and the person he's confiding to is some variant of, "Oh, silly Alastor, you're obviously in love!" And then he denies it, says that the very idea disgusts him, and the character titters to themselves about how he's so naive in the matters of romance or whatever.

And it's, like.

The "strong feelings" in question are almost always frustration/annoyance/disgust, and him being like, "Nnnno, I just hate his person" is treated like a silly and naive misunderstanding of his own feelings because obviously he's in love. Please imagine that Alastor was a female character who was established to be a lesbian. Now examine how that suddenly makes this scene feel.

(Also, Rosie being the go-to for this is a little frustrating when she's the one who, in canon, explicitly says that she wouldn't make that assumption of him.)

There's such a chasm of difference between how I see people wanting to ship Alastor for reasons of "I just want to!" vs folks who engage with him being aroace in ways that are infantilizing and invalidating. There are so many people out there - not just aro/ace people, but anyone who's not exclusively into the standard type of person they should be into at the time society deems they should be into them, which is most queer people and even many cishet folks - that have been told that exact kind of thing in real life. It reads like something out of a compulsory heterosexuality guidebook, and it actively makes it harder to leave the closet or even realize that you're in one at all.

So I guess it just feels frustrating to see it get made into a punchline, especially by folks who are shipping queer ships. I genuinely can't wait until fandom society advances to the point of consistently treating aro/acespec folks as queer instead of Queer Lite (TM), because let me tell you, ime the comphet experience and the amato/allonormativity experience are in fact nigh-identical except for how they're treated within online communities. There's a reason the pan -> gay -> ace pipeline is a thing.

But, hey! We're already doing way better than we were in 2012!

#personal #aro #ace #aroace #long post #sexuality #please don't come to this post talking about “but gray ace/demi” because I truly don't want to write the requisite 8 paragraph response #just trust me that I know and I don't think it contradicts the specific point I'm making #this is a personal musing on my personal blog because I'm too lazy to separate personal and fandom blogs unu #hazbin hotel #alastor

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seokmashu · 11 months

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moot appreciation & 1000th post ❤️

to celebrate the end of predebut era, zb1's debut, my lovely 5ever moots, and my 1000th post! (also bc this ask has been sitting in my inbox for a few weeks now and i figured it's time!) it's been a few months since i joined zumblr and i wanted to shout out a few people who have made this experience so fun and lively and wonderful and whose friendships i really treasure ❤️ i love all of you mwah now let's goo!!

💌 cherrie // @cherriegyu 🍒

cherrieee tietie 🫶 when i first came on tumblr you were one of the only ppl i talked to and you made me feel so welcome in the community- i loved discussing lex's hp ideas with you, our bias lists and being a zerorat (💀) imy and love you lots <3

💌 moni // @taerrrrrae 🐨

moni you're always so sincere when reading and reacting to other ppl's works, responding to asks, and letting other ppl know you're thinking of them, that i find it so inspiring~ i mean who else would compose poems for their moots?? you're such a sweet person a 7 star hallabong fr <3

💌 riri // @chxrrymxxnlight 🌛

ririii my fav riyangi fangirl!! you're so cute and i appreciate how you always keep me up to date about zb1 stuff (like within 0.1 seconds of them posting, insane) even tho we always miss each other cuz we live in opposite timezones 😭 i hope u only have happy days ahead and i'm so excited to hear more about this story you're writing and drawing!! <3

💌 tee // @haesunflower ⛳

teee! i'm so glad you sent me that message when we first became moots bc it's so much fun talking to you~ remember the gyuvin cheeto ask i sent you? 💀 and all those times you were thirsty over wrote about zb1 ahem. i love discussing fic ideas with you because you simply give the best reactions and i'm so happy you get to live out your y/n fantasy fr fr 😭 <3

💌 rose // @ohdudedhesflirting 🐝

ah yes rose one of the only other seokryus that i know on tumbles 😭 your thirsty reactions to posts are so funny and always crack me up~ i'm sooo glad you started writing more bc i love reading your fics!! still mad you didn't tag me in the first one 😤 but it's ok since it literally wrenched my heart out ;; i hope you're doing better now and that you had a wonderful bday <3

💌 lex // @bp-zb1fics 🦇

lex i know you haven't been as active lately but it doesn't feel right to not include you in this since you were literally my d-1 bestie when i first started this blog- i loved discussing fic ideas with you and joking around making silly posts and sending each other twts and telling each other about our dreams and reading all the wonderful stuff you wrote! i hope you're doing well now, i'm thinking about you <3

💌 venom // @zerobaseonefics 🕸️

you were one of the first people i talked to when i arrived at zumblr and i remember thinking wow she seems cool i wanna get to know her! little did we know that was the start of a century long feud however thankfully we can say war is over now that you've admited defeat 😇 fr tho, you're such a talented writer and i really admire how you always make time to listen to and talk to everyone~ your love for spiderman is sooo cute you act cool all the time but you're actually the cutest yk? thank you for encouraging me to post my art back then, i really don't think i would've started posting my bday series if it weren't for you and ilysm <3

💌 hazel // @hanbeanz 🔮

aka the don 😎 hazel i think you're such a talented gifmaker and the way you include your stream of consciousness always cracks me up lolol i think you're an awesome leader and it's fun discussing ideas for zb1net tg, don't feel too discouraged and i also hope you don't get too burnt out either<3 also that time you sent me an ask about your emoji tag still cracks me up hahaha <3

💌 alma // @gunwookstan 🐭

my fav fav fav mattwook fangirl almaaaaa <3 i'm so happy you messaged me bc we are literally kindred spirits when it comes to reacting to our boys LOL it was sooo funny that one time i was scrolling twt and accidentally found your account and you were like sweats uhhh that's not me ok sure 👀 talking with you always brightens my day ily sooo much mwah <3

💌 rin // @jjanguri 🐳

rininining!! my sweet, kind, open-hearted friend who can't help but cry from simply existing 🥺 from our first interaction i could tell you were gonna be lots of fun to talk to~ i love being spymasters tg, hearing ab your feud with your cubicle mate, the tattoos you plan on getting, your reactions to hao, and your love of eating bricks and concrete <3 bc of you "goobert" and "monch" are imprinted into my mind LOL and also i think it's soo impressive how you churn out 10 gifsets every day even tho you're so busy all the time~ idk what's up with the whole ss and meow agenda you've been cooking up lately but grrrr i'm keeping my eye on you 👀 thanks for being such a fun but also calming presence my lovely friend and i hope you know i'm here for you when the going gets tough <3

💌 iana // @taeraex 🦖

iana our cute adorable bb <33 it's funny that your bias is taerae bc both of you could stand still doing nothing and i would still think it's the funniest thing LOLL i love talking to you about astrological signs and your stalker behavior and being petty and your random bursting out into song and playing codenames with you (we fr are connected to the same wifi bc it's crazy how similar our instincts are) it's always such a fun time when you're around 😛 you could talk for hours and hours and i would love listening to every second of it you're just so funny and endearing and cute <3 also thank u for always supplying the cute cat pics bc there is a SEVERE drought going on 🙏 i hope u get some sleep bc i'm always worried ab you y'know <3

💌 lili // @y--eontan 🦎

o lilicat how i adore you, you're so funny and brazen and sweet and every time i see you lurking in chat i just wanna go pspspsps 😽 before we started talking i remember seeing your emoji gifset and i remember thinking this is so cool i can't wait to see the part 2!! and then you messaged me and i was like :0 your reactions to gunwookie are soo cute that i just wanna spam you with every noot noot/cheek pic i see~ it's so funny the way you complain about stuff and block people you have no patience for lmaooo i am seated for our next complaining sesh 🫡 your comments and little quips always catch me off guard bc you're so deadpan and i love your sense of humor haha also when you drew that lil orange puppy on the art i made for you? *bursts into tears* <3

💌 hope // @zeroze 🕊️

my cute hopieee i'm so sorry i called u buzz lightyear when all u wanted to be was bubbles 😭 it's so much fun theorizing ab zb1 concepts with you bc we share one mind when it comes to our music tastes and thank you for always looking out for me and asking if i'm gonna watch stuff with you and making sure i go to bed at a reasonable hour 🫶 you're so sweet and kind and funny (thinking about the time you banned iana 💀) even tho you never let me have my own cute emoji reacts :'( i hope your exhibition wraps up well and you can fiiiinally have the break you deserve! and i also hope you have the best time in japan/korea (if we don't end up meeting up!!) and i SWEARRR i'll go to bed earlier (just for u 😚) <3

💌 maria // @sunghanbinie 🌺

aka jiff, lieutenant mario, and the other half of our shared braincell -- i love how we can talk about anything and everything, from when we wake up to when we go to bed, you've simply been there for everything. even though you torment me day-to-day with monkey allegations and thirsty matt gifs, you're also always there to listen to my troubles and check up on me when i'm feeling down - i appreciate you so so much from playing 49584 games together every night and spilling tea to fangirling over zb1 and giving me gif advice. you are my constant <3 i think you're so smart and funny and such a talented gifmaker and writer. i love our little jokes and making fun of each other at every opportunity, and i truly don't think being on zumblr would've been the same without you <3 i love you sooo much mwah mwah mwah <333

finally, a shoutout to moots who i haven't spoken to as much but who i want to get to know better because i just think they're so talented and cute and cool: @jinkiseason // @zb1s // @zerobaseone // @seokmatthewz // @sung-hanbin // @yunacoeur // @keiwook // @cinnajun // @juyomiao <3

this was written from the heart at like 4am and i hope you all know just how much i love and appreciate each and every one of you <3 1000 posts and 10000 more to go! can't wait to spend the next 2.5 years with y'all 😁

#this post is littered with heart emojis LOL #i swear when my gifmaking skills improve i'll make a nicer graphic #anyways i said what i said! 😤#lub u all <3 #nina thinks

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frostbite-the-bat · 3 months

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no but genuinely. i love shadow filbo dearly. he means a lot to me.

he marks a time for me where i began embracing what i like just... for the sake of it!

he embodies the things that inspired me to draw online in the first place. hell, sparklecat characters with bangs have made me stop cutting my hair. i haven't cut my hair properly since. just because i wanted the same bangs, not knowing how hair works. now i have what is best described as messy fluttershy hair. to many people just how long my hair is, is what defines me when they see me and my hair is in a way special to me.

and again - he was what inspired me to draw. in class i'd be drawing my own sparklecats at the age of like 8, with bangs and wings and little companions that sit on clouds that rain hearts. (and bolts and skulls when ANGRY!)

i put rainbows on everything. i thought nyan cat was the embodiment of everything good in the world. i listened to nightcore versions of songs only. i say, as i am listening to nightcore, right now.

because of all these old classic animation memes and sparklefurs and silly scene and emo song flash animations i'd find... i'd pick up ms paint and draw. i imagined just how i'd animate, finding even the simplest methods absolutely mesmerising. there is something to be said about me being this young with internet access - because it very much so had it's negative effects. not me watching fetish videos at the age of 8 just because it had pokemon in it. yea that did not have any lasting effects.

but despite all this shit - it raised me! and even just a few years later... like.. 2015 when i began posting online on deviantart for the first time, not being just a lurker... learning how The Computer works better - not only drawing on paper anymore and gaining more and more interest towards digital art... i was already nostalgic towards these earlier days. but still living IN it, y'know?

just having fun, doing my own thing! isn't that what art is all about?

well. then the cringe culture nation attacked. severe bullying at school. and in general, just shame - which i am still fighting in certain aspects. but it's a bit more complicated than just "shame". (more so fear of Things.)

i'd look back at things with either genuine "cringe" or a distaste. how DARE these people have fun? because deep down, i was simply jealous.

if i was going to reference anything old like this, like classic animation memes, it was framed as "JOKE" "NOT SERIOUS" because i feared i would be harassed, made fun of, or people would thing THAT is the best of my artistic abilities. but... it's not like that.

and now, more and more people are embracing this. and it makes me so happy. and shadow filbo helped me fight off these fears a lot and just let me love what i love and be myself.

maybe it's not an ""aesthetic"" that completely defines me, maybe it IS a tik tok trend to do nowadays - but i don't care. without any of this i wouldn't be here. those were my first inspirations. silly colorful cats animated to crunchy mp3s of songs using movie maker and 3 (three!) frames drawn in ms paint. it had so much charm. it had so much genuinity. and i could feel it even back then.

without it i might've not been here as i am now. there are so many things that go into this, of course. but i simply would not be the exact way i am. and i dunno. that's something to think about.

thank you so much, shadow filbo. one "mistake" with you i've had was thinking i should be a good creator of something and respond to every fan and fanart, which only stressed me out. i have... opinions! about being recognized in various places and, as some dub, a "NICHE INTERNET MICROCELEBRITY" (nothing against you fox </3).... yeah! not a fan.

another mistake was dubbing him as a "joke" always. and... he is! he is humorous! i am a jokey person! i like crunchy shitposts! i like being the reason people laugh! i will go to certain levels to even ridicule myself just for the bit, and i don't mind it. i'm hyper(active) and i am just a jokey person, that's that. but... him being called a joke was honestly just a shield from people taking him too seriously.

if people were to mock me for being nostalgic for nightcore, and rainbows, and edgy amvs, sparkledogs, scene culture and clothes, rave songs... all this!

but... no! people loved it! people loved it so much, it moved THEM to create art!

me, referencing things that made ME inspired to draw all those years ago - then inspired OTHERS to draw other things. to embrace themselves. to have fun. to connect.

it means so much to me. it's a bit odd to comprehend, too.

but it means the world to me. sorry if i am ever annoying about shadow filbo, and is often the first thing i bring up when bugsnax is brought up - but he is the highlight of my experience with bugsnax.

thank you so much, shadow filbo. and me and my wretched little claws, of course. for making them. and those that inspired me. those old friends i lost along the way, too. and those, that inspired those that inspired me. and so forth.

thank you.

#shadow filbo #important #<- i just don't want to lose this mess of a ramble.#i could add so #so much #but i'm not going to otherwise i'd have several long tangents. especially mixing like. queerness and growing up trans and a furry and then #nonhuman shit into this #and the bullying thing. and being in a country thats... yea. where theres even less people like you #finding a home in places like this. yeah. (happy kinda yea)

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stinger-shot · 3 months

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Yey! Silly vent because I feel like shit!

Read under the cut if you want the juicy ass details

So basically, I gotta let this shit out.. its fucking me up a bit rn.

I met this dude around the start of 2021 on tiktok AND HE WAS SO TALENTED AND FUNNY but he always said he wasn't. Anyway time skip a lil..

We started getting into a few arguments near the middle of 2022. And they where just small disagreements then they gradually got worse and worse every time it happend. And it especially got bad when I made another friend on tiktok who loved doing art related things and drew my old persona back then.

And HE WAS NOT HAVING IT and he said quite alot of bad things to me. Did I stay friends with him? Yes I did. Did I also block the nice guy just trying to be my friend? Yes. I blocked them out of fear of loosing my best friend.

And near the end of 2022 we started dating because things had gotten a better.

Oh how I was so wrong. Everything just went downhill when he left high-school. He always needed attention. He got mad at me because I couldn't set an alarm BECAUSE he was up at 10am and I was up near 1pm. So I forced myself to do so mutch bullshit for him. Like draw him art as an apology and it drained me do badly I could hardly do my own personal art.

I didn't even have personal art at this point. Every time I fixated on something it was what he was fixating on because he'd get mad at me and argue with me if I wasn't.

But everything was calm when it was around April in 2023 and we where finally getting along like an actul couple because of a game called final fantasy. We where obsessed with it for months! And then around June or July I re discovered transformers.

I have never felt as happy in a fandom since 2019! Like holy shit the fandom is so sweet.

But I kept it a secret from him he still doesn't know. Then at some point I made this tumblr to get my stupid little urges out and now look at where I'm at. I haven't been this happy in a LONG while.

And just st the start of 2024 my ex got into an argument with one of his friends and I offered to talk to them. so he agreed and I spoke to them.

Im so fucking glad I did.

Because without their help I'd still be fucking miserable. They gave me the confidence to dump that bitches ass and I honestly feel like a weight has been taken off. Because it honestly felt like a chore every day of my life just talking to him.

And my other friend on discord had helped me out to. Including you silly fuckers on discord/tumblr. If your even reading this... if you are why are you still reading this?

But anyway. I just needed this off my chest. Because it does hurt a little spite how good i feel but I just have an off feeling. I haven't put down everything that happend while I was with my ex and some things might be in the wrong order or time but at least I'm forgetting it?

Just. I love the transformers fandom so mutch mutch really helped me pull through...

Fuck I'm ranting. Uh. Bye!

Also a big thank you to Avery and rex for helping me feel better (rex I've only known you for a little bit but jesus christ I fucking laugh my ass off because of you) jesus I'm sappy as fuck. (and avery your so fucking cool. You helped me alot.) And belyyvolks (I've had alot of fun messing around about ironhide XD) I'm not tagging because I don't want alot of attention on this post.

#Vent #Fuck me I ranted alot #transformers #Transformers is the best fandom ever #maccadam

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storyofmychoices · 5 months

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The beginning of 2024 had definitely already brought it's share of challenges for me, but I'm hoping that maybe things will still be improving from here! Thinking positive!

Writing Goals

Where to even begin? I have probably 100+ WIP ranging from a scribbled idea on a post it to an outline that needs to be typed. I'd like to put a dent in that? So far each year, that list keeps growing instead of shrinking. I find that I'm more of the in the moment writer. It's all or nothing. Either I finish a piece in one sitting or it never gets done. I'd like to try to find more of a balance in 2024.

In a perfect world, here are some stories I'd like to complete:

Mal's proposal: I started this fic last February, and would really like to actually write it. I have art for it. I don't know what I'm waiting for, especially now that I have their Blades 2 AU proposal done 🙈

Laser Tag with Brylivia: This is just a short little drabble that I think is like 75% written. It's from 2 years ago. I really have NO excuses lol

Love and Scotch: This series fell away when I stoped writing Ethan (for a number of reasons). I'd love to finish this series. I had several more chapters planned but I might just skip some and at least get to what I envisioned as "the end" aka Thomas and Alex's HWU AU wedding and a big turning point for Ethan and Ellie.

#HollywoodHacks: Does anyone even care about this series? Anyone even remember it? I feel like no. I was really only writing it for 1 person, but they're not in the fandom anymore...It might not be the ending I'd planned or wanted, but I think I could wrap the series in 1 or 2 (tops) more chapters. I had hoped that the story would lead to me writing more for Ben Parks and my #LoveHacks MC but that never happened

Tipsy Nia x Daenarya: an anon requested tipsy Nia hitting on Daenarya and I started it but then never finished it. It's such a small drabble it seems silly to even include it here, but here we are!

Blades 2 AU: At the start of Blades 2 I was doing a great job keeping up with the book and rewriting the chapters to fit my vision for the characters. That kinda fell apart around Chapter 5. I'd like to finish that rewrite and see how Iliana fits into how the rest of the book happened. Last I wrote, Daenarya didn't even know she was pregnant.

Rayden and Lydo's Adoption: Mal and Daenarya have already decided to adopt them. I've also written them as a family. But, I've never written the actual story of Mal and Daenarya telling the boys they were adopting them and they'd be a family forever, so I'd love to do that!

Pairings I'd like to write more of in 2024:

Thomas and Alex: I used to publish 1 new story a day when I first started writing them. It lasted over a year, then it gradually decreased. Last year, I only wrote them 10 times! I know the lack of interactions with their stories, has definitely made me want to share less and just enjoy daydreaming for them, but still, I'd like to keep their story going, regardless of interactions, because they are so special to me. Plus, if I could wrap those two series above that they're in, that would definitely lift my RCD/HWU fic count for the year!

Nyx x Aerin: I LOVE NYX! NYX is incredible and I love love love them. Aerin is kinda fun too. I would love to develop these two more this year.

Trystan and Lilah: I've only written them a few times and I'd like to get to know them better

Beckett and Emma: I haven't written them in a long time and when I did write them it was for 1 particular series (them in Detention). With the Book Club replaying TE, I'm hoping I might be inspired to see what they're like outside of the library.

Troy and Astraea: I love these two but I haven't had time to explore them more. I don't think I'll have time to participate in the group reread right now, but I would still like to reread WTD at some point this year and keep developing them.

Daenarya x Maiele (@lilyoffandoms) + Mal x Tyril: In 2023, Lily and I started to develop these relationships more. I loved every second of that and I hope 2024 will bring us more of these four lovely characters.

Mal's Orphanage: Blades 2 destroyed the orphanage storyline. If PB wanted to steal it they should have done a better job of it. Like there was literally no point in them having that storyline since they abandoned it the first chance they got. I'd like to fix the Blades 2 orphanage storyline but then go back to focusing on my original orphanage because those children are my favorite.

Other Goals

Catch up on reading and be a more active reader

Follow and support new Choices accounts

Continue with the book club and other events I host but find a balance with hosting that I still have time to create and read/support others

Try my hand at drawing again. I had been drawing chibi's a while back and I haven't had time/the courage to try again, but @lilyoffandoms's incredible art journey this month has inspired me to add it to my list this year

Keep editing Aerin in the sluttiest Choices outfits I can find

Flesh out more of Olivia's pediatric practice and how she transitions from Edenbrook to Sunshine Pediatrics

Be kind to myself and let myself rest when I need it. I am my biggest critic and if you ask me what I'm good at, I'd say nothing and I would tell you everything wrong with anything I've ever done, including all of my pairings. I see the mistakes and I want to let myself see the good and focus on only that this year.

#lovealexhunt #storyofmychoices #writing #2024 goals #choices countdown to 2024 #thomas hunt #bryce lahela #mal volari #lovehacks #hollywood u #red carpet diaries #nyx selenastra #aerin valleros #troy hassan #trystan thorne #beckett harrington

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peppermint-rat · 9 months

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I just realized it's officially been ten years since I properly left the mormon church. I don't remember the specific date because it was kind of a "I haven't believed any of this for a while why am I still going" but it did happen in 2013.

Escape-the-cult story time?

So, as I can with a few great things in my life, I can trace it back to a silly little comic series I started sort of by accident. It was about Left 4 Dead, specifically about me just barely escaping death by befriending the infected in cartoonish ways. It kind of really blew up unexpectedly. Suddenly I had an audience. I started doing livestreams and made close friends with many of the viewers.

Were those viewers also mormon? You can bet your ass they weren't. There was a good mix of queerness and transness in there. But everyone was still respectful of my mormon boundaries (kept swearing and really dirty talk to a minimum) so I found it really easy to be respectful back. Suddenly I was friends with a lot of people that the church told me would infect me with their wickedness if I tolerated them for too long. But you know what? Spending time with people different than you, seeing that they're just another human, seeing that they can become valuable people in your life even with the traits you're told to fear, it's very hard to keep thinking of them as wicked. At that point, you have to actively choose to sever these relationships that are making you happy and hammer that prejudice back into your head. And a lot of people do that! But I felt SO happy and SO loved, I just couldn't do it.

And all along in the background, my sister lived in Germany at the time and had a lot of time away from the church. This gave her space to read up on the ACTUAL history of the church and Joe Smith... and she was discussing her findings with me. I didn't really want to believe them, but it got harder and harder to explain things away.

Feeling relaxed around my non-member friends, I start joking like "Isn't it weird that I'm straight but I still get crushes on female characters?" And no one really rushes me to admit I'm queer, but they get really excited when I draw "joke art" of myself with those characters. And after a while, the joke wears off. I admit that these images of me with a woman give me happy fluttery feelings. But then my boyfriend at the time and my judgmental church friend and my other sister sees this, and they Don't Like It. But somehow, I don't end up feeling bad about myself - I feel disappointed that these people would judge me for loving this side of myself. I apologized/asked them not to tell anyone but inside went "You know what, I'm gonna start dating her even harder."

Started having/drawing lots more queer ships. Was pretty open about my fictional gay crushes. Flirted with my non-member female friends as much as I did my mormon friends, but they could actually flirt back which got me all flustered. And I loved it. I was worried about being queer in the church, but I wasn't worried about my soul. Letting myself be queer brought so much joy and love into my life, it couldn't have been evil.

Besides, it wasn't like I was gonna go out and have a queer relationship. It was all theoretical, right? Which is fine in the church. Hahaha.

Through a friend I made in my streams, I met someone who lived across the street from me. I knew of them, we were in the same graphics class in high school, and we were facebook friends. And I would look at photos of them and think "Man, that's the most beautiful person I've ever seen." But like. Totally not in a gay way, right? I won't be completely smitten with them when we start hanging out, right? Hahaha?

Nope. Instantly head over heels.

I came out as pansexual to everyone I knew. My mom thought it meant I was attracted to inanimate objects. My boyfriend (who looked at porn constantly and dismissed my insecurities about it) got upset because if I figured this out I must have felt attraction to another person, real or fictional (he got upset when he saw a totally sfw drawing of a pretty Homestuck troll in my tumblr likes). My dad said "I guess temple marriage isn't a priority for you anymore", and when I said "I never thought you would say that to me" he said "Neither did I, but here we are." Again, people taking issue with a thing I knew to be wonderful.

My parents sort of came around, at least to the point that they would not give me direct grief for being in a queer relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend (actually because I accepted that he was never going to join the church and we weren't even really friends, so what was the point). I was briefly in a relationship with a transmasc friend because I didn't feel like I could say no, but it's worth mentioning because since they were also Christian, I thought I could be with them and stay in the church, but when I realized that the church would never accept them into the priesthood because they're trans, it was a huge blow to my faith. Yet another "What am I even doing this for if I don't believe in it?"

We broke up because I was still in love with the person across the street. But here's where the shelf broke, so to speak, on my faith. I knew this person liked me too, but I was afraid to be with them, not only because it would be a queer relationship, but because they were a non-member and didn't uphold church standards, which I'd kind of just broken up with my boyfriend for. Remember that judgmental mormon friend I mentioned? I remember venting to her about this over Facebook IM, crying because I wanted to be with this person so badly, but how could it possibly work out? And she said, "It can't. :("

Oh. Ohhh. How fucking dare you.

It can't? Why? Because the church said so, and obviously nothing in life, not even my own happiness, is as important as obeying the church? I swore a blood oath to sacrifice all my happiness to the church or else I would burst into flames? This girl was big on the mormons-policing-mormons thing. Here I am in pain over wanting someone I felt I couldn't have, and she feels that the most important thing to do is make sure I don't entertain further temptation to disobey the church. That's the issue here - your friend is having gay feelings and they need to remember that's not okay.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Fuck you!

My sister and I decided to tell our mom together that we would not go to church anymore. My sister posted about it on Facebook, and our piece of shit brother (12 yrs my senior, would have been 31 at the time) said "Congratulations, I'm sure your parents are really proud of you." Because he's incapable of saying anything not horrendous.

I started dating the person across the street. And the relationship that "couldn't" happen has been going on for ten years now. Still completely head over heels.

Sssssuck on that!!

In short, yes, having lots of non-member friends can and will lead you away from the church, but not with their wickedness. They will show you how wrong you were for thinking that they were wicked, and by extension, how wrong the church is. And if you pull one thread, the whole thing comes apart.

#exmo #exmormon #long post

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connorsjorts · 7 months

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Fic tag game! Tagged by the lovely @sweeteatercat , thank you!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 4

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 229,987

3. What fandoms do you write for? DBH

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? I don't even have 5 fics 😅 but here they are in order: 1. he's making a list; i'm checking him out 2. long way home 3. stupid sexy priest 4. make my wish come true

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Always! I haven't responded to comments on my latest chapter yet, but I will. It's really important to me: 1) If someone takes the time to read my work AND share their thoughts with me, that really does mean so much, saying thank you (and clumsily attempting to express the depth of my gratitude in an annoying amount of emojis) is the least I can do; and 2) This is a community! The validation is nice, yes, but I write to connect with people. I love hearing what people have to say and I love to talk with them about it! I've made friends through my ao3 comments, we're all here because we love the same thing, and if you're excited about my silly contributions OF COURSE I'm gonna want to talk to you! Your reactions to the work are just as important as the work itself imo. Art is a conversation!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably make my wish come true, just because it's an alternate POV of a scene in a different fic so the main conflict remains unresolved. But it still has a feel-good ending! Sad endings don't exist in my world

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I'm not sure! What do you guys think? Generally in my fics I try to wrap everything up in a happy little bow without everything being too perfect--we still have to work, we still make mistakes, life is still hell; but it's easier when we have each other and have found faith in ourselves.

8. Do you get hate on fics? I haven't yet...... (bracing myself for my first hate comment to come through as soon as I publish this post)

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind? Sure do! I write the over-the-top, too long, lots of emotion, lots of laughing/banter, taking-off-your-pants-is-awkward kind. Sex is cool but friendship is the most romantic thing to me ❤️ I enjoy writing smut the most when they really, genuinely like each other as people.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? I have not and I doubt I would. Probably the closest I would get is an au based on another piece of media (I do dream of a hankcon twin peaks au)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I have never even considered that being a thing until now

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Someone requested to translate one of my fics but I don't know if it will ever come to fruition. I hope it does though, I would love that!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before? No but I've briefly discussed it with a friend... now that I'm done with the bb I'll need to contact them and see if they're still interested because I sure am 👀👀

14. What's your all-time favourite ship? Hankconnnnnnnnnn

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? I started a fic where Connor works in a sex shop and a very vanilla Hank comes in looking for something to spice things up with his girlfriend. He gets some fuzzy handcuffs and they do their job when it comes to Hank's boner, unfortunately that has more to do with Hank fantasizing about the person who sold them to him more than anything else. He breaks up with the girlfriend and most of the fic would be Hank continuing to frequent the sex shop as an excuse to talk to Connor as he gets more and more in over his head thanks to Connor's recommendations. It was really good in my head, but when I put it to paper it just... wasn't. So I'll probably never continue it.

16. What are your writing strengths? Characterization, I think! I get a lot of compliments on it. It's the best feeling when someone falls in love with one of my characters ❤️

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Setting 😖 I like to pepper in details as I go, I really struggle when the scene calls for describing the whole-ass place at once

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? If y'all want a fic about the Duolingo characters, sure. Otherwise I'm sure I'd be abysmal at it. I'm not proficient enough in any other language to get the voice right.

19. First fandom you wrote for? DBH. I am a fic-writing newbie and also I tend to stick with one thing for 4,000 years

20. Favourite fic you've ever written? Probably long way home, it's not as popular as mall santa but there's so much of my soul in that fic. Artistically and thematically, it's very me, and it's also the story that taught me how to write. I had never written any work of fiction before I started it (Hankcon was just that strong) and now I never want to do anything else. Thank you for reading, if you want to play consider yourself tagged! 💖

#tag game

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wraithsoutlaws · 11 months

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Honestly I'd like to ask you about the thought behind all of Dagger's design cus it's so fuckin' sick and your art is sick (I'd buy an art book of Ur art) I'm like actually slightly ignoring the ask prompt thing u reblogged so I hope you don't mind but do Dagger's tattoos have any meaning? They're all very cool and I'm going to stop talking now before I ramble about how sick (positive) your art is

aaaaaAh omg i don't mind at all this made me so happy :') thank you so much i'm!! really flattered and happy you like 'em!! there is some meaning behind some of them, and some of them are just a little silly. i've also been in the process of actually trying to fully finalize them (they've sort of been ~up in the air~ for a long time/subject to change)

his most important tattoo is the heart/snake/dagger on his torso:

i've messed with the look of it a lot. originally the dagger went straight up his torso, but i think the angled placement works a little better. the right side is still a WIP, but it's probably more in line with what i want (partially because he's /also/ supposed to have a really big "M" shaped scar that covers his torso as well, and i think it looks really messy with all these elements running vertical on him which is why it hardly makes it into my art). ANYWAY, this one is meant to signify his self-transformation into the "Dagger" persona. the heart in the middle is representative of his humanity, or who he once was as a child. the snake is who he grew into and what generally harbors a lot of his self-hatred and guilt (which is sort of another post worth of Lore so I won't go there rn), and the knife represents who he makes himself, choosing to kill the other parts of who he is and severing himself from the past (including that humanity and guilt). It's his self-made rebirth, no longer beholden to the cycles and feelings of the person he used to be. the "unkillable" beneath the handle is a newer addition, but it's just edgelord enough that i know he'd have it. in a sense, he's killed himself already and now nobody else gets the pleasure of doing so.

now the rest of his tattoos are just kinda stupid and that's why i love them.

the "FVCK" tattoo on his left arm was the first one he got and he gave it to himself stick-n-poke style when he was 16.

the abomination on the right hasn't made it into artwork yet because i'm constantly changing my mind of where i want it. most likely it's on his left shoulder blade and it's pretty self-explanatory. the man loves cigarettes. he got this one in his late teens when he was riding with a group of smugglers between texas and mexico, drunk in front of a campfire, and of course, smoking. (it's worth mentioning that i haven't gotten tattoo mods for him, and though he keeps a big portion of the vanilla tattoos on the front, none of the back piece is canon for him.)

he has a rat king on his thigh (also self-explanatory), as well as cockroach's little rat prints running up the side of his leg.

the last Definite tattoo he has is a small scorpion on his back (as reference to the scorpion and the frog. dagger's in a constant cycle of self-destruction. he's both the scorpion and the frog).

#oc: dagger #behold. equal parts edgelord and dumbass #OH i forgot about the smile on his neck! that's mostly just something he got to be Scary/monsterous #a symbol of the joy he takes doing what he does :D #ty again i cannot overemphasize how happy your comments made me!!!#and im also realizing i forgot his chin tattoo fdsklafjdskla fuckn.....#the chin tattoo he got when he was accepted into the formerly mentioned group of smugglers #and sort of 'chosen' by the leader to take over.#and again mentioning that though he has the wings on the sides of his face in pics it's also not canon for him

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incandescentflower · 10 months

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bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme!

a getting-to-know-you meme for people to introduce themselves in the bbs fandom by @fiercynn

note: "fanworks" are defined here as pretty much everything people create related to a fandom, including but not limited to meta/analysis/discussion, gifs, fanvids/edits/fancams, filk, fanart, fanfic, fan food, fan crafts, etc. please include this note with the meme unless you have a different definition!

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

I'm MJ. I love writing fic and talking about shows with people. I write mostly BL. I am in a few fandoms, but bbs is definitely one I'm still writing (albeit slower lately).

this is crazy long so here's a cut -

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

I started watching after episode 2 aired. The name first turned me off. I didn't actually know who Ohm or Nanon was, lol I know right? I enjoyed some Thai BLs but none had hit for me. I saw a gif set of when Pat and Pran were looking at that empty dorm and Pat grabbed Pran right by the thigh and I was like, what the hell, I have to know what is happening there. Except, they were fooling me that this was just a light, silly, flirty show and hit me with such emotional resonance that I haven't freed myself yet. I wrote my first fic at the end of November 2021 and have been writing for them ever since.

favorite ship(s)

I am Pat/Pran through and through. I like other ships too but they are the reason I'm here.

favorite character(s)

I love both Pat and Pran. I like writing more from Pat pov because honestly Pran hits a little too close to home for me. :) All the side characters are fun and that is one of the reasons I love this show - Ink/Pa especially.

favorite episode(s) - these kinds of choices are just cruel but I would say episode 11. The raw emotions throughout it just killed me.

favorite scene (s) - rooftop aside, I recently mentioned the "thanks for trying to make this silly guy happy" scene from 11 as one of my favorites of all Thai bl (it's true), besides that, the scene when Pran brings Pat the drink, Pat tries to offer to say they aren't together anymore, the way Pran initiates them holding hands under the table and the way Pran knows Pat liked his drink less sweet. My heart tugs just thinking about it. <3

one thing you would change about the show if you could

more Ink/Pa would have been so nice and also, stop teasing us P'Aof and give us Wai/Korn

what are some of your favorite fanworks made by other people?

This is absolutely impossible. This fandom has so many wonderful creators in so many ways - art, fic, meta, edits. I think some things just stuck in the brain either because they were given to me because that's what I love about fandom most - the giving - or I was struck by them as they really hit my feels about the show at the time. but this is by no means an exhaustive list and I don't even know how I'd do that.

@geonbaeeee makes all kinds of amazing art, but I loved this one because they are some of my favorite scenes.

when I think of bbs art, I always think of this series. I don't even care about weddings tbh, but I just love how all their personalities are displayed here and I do think this is exactly what Pat and Pran would want haha

@funyasm made me this wonderful mood board for bbs as gift that was a big heart hug

@creativityobsessed wrote the coolest music meta about episode 5 and I still think about it sometimes.

I've been fortunate enough to be given two really wonderful gift fics. @galauvant gifted me Family Ties with some good Jindapat siblings content and triplelovescore gifted me a crack in the foundation with some excellent Pat hurt/comfort. Both were so good at giving the heart a little twist.

(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?

I would say if you've only read one work in the fandom by me it's probably Up the Ante. And I do love it, but I think honestly, my favorite might be one of my least read - "I'm here, if you want me," which I wrote in the week between episode 11 and 12 in that "you had to be there" time in the fandom. It was a "if they really did break up let's fix-it" fic. I think it could have actually been a longer AU if I had any patience at all, but I needed soothing in the moment lol. Pat's love for Pran shown in the way we all know he would give it - as self-sacrificing as possible, and Pran's love of Pat shown through his music. It just felt right.

Anyway, I have others too. Honestly, it's like trying to pick a favorite child. Fanworks are works of love and each have their reasons for why I wanted to write them and why I love them.

a song that makes you think of bbs (the ones in the show don’t count lol) ha ha, look, this show has a theme song with multiple versions, a secondary song, another song that is now an in canon Pran-written song, Pat's ourskyy song, the og trailer song, the when we were younger instrumental, when the lyrical version is also amazing, and one of my faves is Keep Coming Back to the Start which we only hear for a tiny bit at the end of episode 6, but is an awesome song. but okay, yeah, beyond that and the instrumentals, I have a whole playlist that includes these and others. many songs come from some of the amazing edits out there. anyway, that's a long answer to mention "If our Love is Wrong" by Calum Scott, which I got from this edit (yes this is a cheat to link another fanwork)

idk anything else you want us to know?

I've met some really kind people through the bbs fandom and I really appreciate them very much. <3

I know that there are definitely people who used to be in bbs fandom not tagged in someone else's posts but I am not sure who still considers themselves in it. so this is a chance to say so. :)

#bad buddy #bad buddy fandom #tag game #getting to know you meme

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asterhaze · 9 months

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If you get this, answer w three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs! Anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog :)

Thank you for the ask! I have enjoyed talking about myself a little bit lately.

Serious: I also art! Though I haven't posted any of my newer stuff online because my tablet broke and some of my traditional work is stuff I want to eventually draw digitally and hopefully sell. I'm terrified of AI taking away my dream of being a super cool artist writer dream before I even have a chance. So yeah.

Silly Fact: I have a horrible phobia of mascots. It inspired a comic idea that I will probably end up writing about evil mascots that try to take over the world and cause the apocalypse. It's a pretty serious phobia that councilors and therapists have tried to help me with but nothing has worked because I've refused exposure therapy. There are some masks that trigger this phobia, but honestly it's mostly helmets!

Random: I only started writing seriously last October, and the amount of progress I have made this year shocks even myself. This is hard for me, but here is an example of my writing from last October versus something I wrote a few weeks ago.

October:

Glen stood beneath the willow tree in a small graveyard. He stated down at two small graves whose names had been worn away by time. But he knew them well and kept them close to his heart.

"Maria. My love. I miss you dearly, even still to this day." Glen began, going down on one knee to brush his hands across the grass. "I wish I was there with you. Wherever you are and whatever is beyind this life. I wish we could sit beneath our willow tree and I could tell you how much I love you again."

Last week - a longer piece that may or may not make it into a final draft-

“Now your suit really will be ruined. Your socks too.” But I have the money now to buy new clothes. Who cares, Maria, about suits and pants and socks and shoes? Who cares about arranged weddings? Who cares about any of that when you’re dead, dead, dead and I’m here, here, here? I’m still here, here, here… He reached out, brushing his fingertips along the front of the tombstone, weathered smooth by time. Faintly he could see the first letter of her first and last name but the rest was worn away. He traced the letters, very gently, before pulling his hand away and putting it back in his lap. Willow had cried and cried so many times sitting here before Maria’s grave. Mourning her, missing her, wishing desperately that she would come back to him and forgive him for everything and being left with only memories. The tears had dried decades ago, but the longing in his chest and the aching in his soul still remained. Now he just stared, his eyes glossed over, his lips moving without a voice as he spoke in his imaginary world where Maria was fussing at him for this, that, or the other. He knew he was crazy, or ill, or pretending, or at least that whatever he was doing was wrong but it made him feel better. Talking there, remembering things, it made him feel complete despite reminding him otherwise and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was that people left him alone at the graveyard, let him spend however long he wanted there, or maybe it was because he was close to her again. Eventually, when a headache was starting to form across his temple, he imagined Maria turning to him and smiling. Still wearing that horrible dress that flattered only her body, sickly yellow. Maria fluffed her skirt, slapping it when she was done, before turning to walk away. Won’t you take me with you this time? Can’t we go together? I’m tired of living without you, Maria. Maria looked over her shoulder, a sad look over her sunshine eyes, as she sighed and turned away. “You’re too good.” And with that, he imagined her walking away and fading from his vision in a great glowing light that blinded him until he closed his eyes so tightly shut he prayed he would never be able to open them again. Anything else he would see would just tarnish it. Tarnish his memory of her, but eventually he did open his eyes, and there was all that was left of her before him. Faded, worn, and nearly falling apart. Here Lies M….M…. Loved Forever.

Tagging: @mthollowell-writes @rainisawriter @doublegoblin @gummybugg @veetvoojagigthemagnificent

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hereliesbou · 4 days

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gonna be cringe on main for a sec

involves twomp characters and my oc so if you don't care about that shit you may scroll on my friend. o7

i have so so many twomp au's, some i've rambled about and soooo many i haven't for one reason or another.

sometimes just cause: not that interesting but mostly because a lot of the au's i don't talk about are extremely self indulgent and I feel like I'd just make a lot of people roll their eyes at me lmfaooooo

I love plargos

I love Lovebomb (my oc x mr flower ship)

But also, my biggest cringiest confession is that in a lot of my au's, i mash plargos and lovebomb together to create my guilty pleasure polycule. i dont have a name for it, i just know i like it. i also don't think i need a name for it cause i dont think anybody but me will care and that's ok loooool.

Granted, it's not always romantic across the board but many times it is.

The only reason i think i'd be considered cingey for this is cause

"oh of course you lumped the oc in there. you fuckin moron🙄"

And like, yeah...

For months now i have been playing with the four of them in my head like my little dolls. There are so many different au's for different variations of their relationship.

"But Bou, i thought you said Mr. Plant and Thorn couldn't stand each other!" YES!!!

AND ALSO 🤓☝️

A lot of the times my stinky poly ship is destructive and angsty and a little more grounded in what would probably happen in the end and other times, everyone is happy and thriving and having a good time.

Always, always though i love imagining the slow burn, long term struggle of going from "i can't stand you" to "oh shit i might be catching feelings for you..." and then to, "it doesn't feel right unless it's like this."

And this is often between all of them in some way shape or form. Sometimes more or less intense depending on who is involved.

I like the drama of it all. Confused, angry stubborn little blorbos with so many mixed up feelings. Sometimes it makes them worse people and sometimes they figure out how to deal with it together for happy endings. <3

But it's never without the mess in between.

I did let a little bit of this dynamic slip out when i went on about my stupid harbringers au, but not enough that it was too obvious i think looool. Enough that you could ignore it if you don't like it probably.

So why am i bringing this up? 🤔

A few reasons:

one reason being, there are times i have the urge to draw all four of them together and not that i need anyone's permission, but im always super anxious and feel like i need to explain myself all the time even tho, who honestly cares... 🤷

two, ties into the previous reason. I'm anxious as FUCK about everything i post: Art, rambles, headcannons. Even when that shit is rooted in cannon my anxiety likes to highlight all the made up little haters in my head that secretly want me dead and I get scared when i post things.

It usually ends up fine in the end every time, but it doesn't change the fact that i get scared anytime i hit the post button. but i also know i've been irrationally afraid of EVERYTHING since i was a child.

SO, i'm not gonna put this in the main tags or anything but i still wanna post this for personal reasons. like a big fuck you to my anxiety.

Sometimes i need to remind myself that nobody cares as much as i think they do and i can do whatever i want forever and it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. i'm in my own little corner doing my own thing and i'm having fun and i am happy.

i will gush about my au stuff and i will gush about cannon stuff and anyone who wants to get mad about it can suck on my antennae.

anyway, i probably won't actually burden anybody with my silly polycule ideas past this, but while we're here:

to everyone who has been enjoying thorn with me, i wish you all the happiness and perfect temperature tea and/or coffee or soup in all the years to come. <3

i'll probably continue just to focus on plargos and lovebomb separately. i love them that way too.

#vbou rambles #thanks for tolerating me #kind of a vent?#i've been feeling not so great lately again #mental health mention

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vera-vera-vera-lynn · 2 months

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𖤓 INTRODUCTION

Hello, and welcome to my blog! The name I use online is Esther, although I also go by Leigh or Vera. My main tag is Leigh's shenanigans ⟡.

I actually used to run a shifting account (my-reality-my-rules), but I'm not active on it anymore. This is an entirely new account—dedicated solely to writing (art as well, if ever). I haven't gotten around to updating my main over a year now due to a lot of personal reasons, but I felt confident enough to start again on Tumblr. So, here I am.

This blog is for the stuff I've written, original and otherwise. It's actually directly related to my old main, if anything, because some of the content I use in my fics were things I've mentioned in the past on that account. Feel free to browse through it if you so wish, although it's unlikely that I'll revisit it (and the sideblogs) at this point.

I intend to use this blog as a means to track my fics, and at the same time share them with people. Here's the masterlist. It's still quite short at the moment, what with most of what I've written being longfics and poetry, but that's another reason why I set up this new account. I was hoping to make more use of my ability to write, and pen things that aren't just the ones I've already made.

𖤓 LINKS

You can find me on AO3 and on FF.Net.

And if you enjoy what I create, consider dropping by at Ko-Fi!

𖤓 WHAT I WRITE

⸺

๋࣭⭑ FANFICTION || ORIGINAL STORIES

Before anything else, and certainly before anyone ever calls me out for it again; I love writing in purple prose. That's not to say that I try to make everything I do about it—but I'm hung up about classic literature enough that I wanted to emulate the style of older authors as I write. That's just a heads-up for anyone who comes across my stuff, because God knows I've received many complaints about it. I don't mind the criticism, although the constant negativity got annoying for a bit.

Most of what I have are (admittedly) indulgent self-inserts. On that note, I mix my other passions (such as philosophy, which I'm majoring in) in with the fic(s) when need be. So long as I think themes can intersect, and it makes sense to me, I'll mishmash them together.

Also, I'm a huge fan of DD:DNE. No, I don't support those things in real life (duh)—but I absolutely love seeing it in fictional works. With that, I've taken to drafting my own pieces for it.

⸺

๋࣭⭑ POETRY

This is where it all began! Shoutout to my tenth grade English and Literature teachers for truly pushing me to pursue this. I don't think I'd've started writing fanfiction or other original works if it wasn't for them encouraging me to start doing poetry.

I just go where my mind takes me, in this case. Sometimes, I write poetry for fandoms; and sometimes, I write about my own life. As it goes, though; I'm more active in writing prose than poetry, although my poems are still up online as well.

⸺

๋࣭⭑ JOURNALLING

When I simply don't have the motivation or the right ideas to draft up anything creative, I just jot down my thoughts. I have several journals here at home, although not all of what I've written made it in my fics or poetry (or otherwise). I plan to post a silly little compilation of them, though. Someday.

𖤓 REQUESTS

Feel free to drop an ask, a submission, or a DM.

⸺

๋࣭⭑ GUIDELINES

GENERAL INFORMATION: I'm willing to write fluff, smut, angst, and DD:DNE. I'm mostly versed in the latter two (lol childhood trauma for the win), but I think I can at least whip up a decent one-shot or so for the former two categories.

ON REQUESTS: I'm down to write anything, so long as I know I can do it. No limits for me. You can drop in the vilest little details in an ask, and I won't even blink. That being said, at least specify if it's going to be NSFW so I can tag it properly. If you're still unsure on whether or not I'll be willing or confident to write what you want, send me a DM, and we can hash it out ((:

⸺

๋࣭⭑ FANDOMS

As of 2024, the most popular ones I'm indulging in include: Ace Attorney, Death Note, Harry Potter, Naruto, and Resident Evil (note: I've only gotten into RE fairly recently, so I might not take requests for this one as much as the others).

I like classic literature too, though I'm only writing for one old fandom at the moment. My main fixations include: José Rizal's Noli Me Tángere and El Filibusterismo, Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita, and Miguel de Cervantes' Don Quixote.

Although not often, I also enjoy consuming and doing a bit of RPF (which circles Historical Fiction, but I'm not too versed in it); and I mostly use this one to feed my delulu fantasies of Tom Hughes, Cillian Murphy, and Christian Bale. I've taken to classic rock bands too—mostly Metallica, Megadeth, and Guns N' Roses, though.

⸺

๋࣭⭑ TECHNICALITIES

POV: Second Person (especially for poetic flair) or Third Person (especially for canon characters). Unfortunately, I'm not as comfortable writing in the First Person perspective (unless it's something to do with poetry and/or journalling, or if it's truly necessary for the storytelling itself).

POSTING SCHEDULE: It usually takes me at least one week to finish 5k words. Depending on the number of requests I get, the queue might get slogged-up. Regardless, I hope to at least meet a quota of 5-10 per month. The worst case is if I take several months to finish—which is improbable, but not impossible.

OTHER NOTES: Just because you sent in a request, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be able to get to working on it in time—or that I'll immediately take to the effort of doing it. Putting in an ask/submission doesn't immediately mean I'll do it. That being said; I'll still do my best to work on anything dropped into my inbox ((:

#Leigh's shenanigans ⟡#blog intro #intro post #fanfiction blog #fanfiction #fanfic writing #fanfiction writer #poetry blog #poetry #writing #creative writing #writing blog #ao3 fanfic #ao3 writer #prose writing #poets on tumblr #writers and poets #prose and poetry

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paperboy-pb · 7 months

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Now that the prologue is done, I can't thank the fans of this series enough.

No, we haven't hit any particular follower milestone. The story has just begun. And most of you haven't given me any sort of financial support to help me out, either. (And that's alright! I haven't asked, lol.)

I'm thanking you for just being apart of the audience.

I started PB in a little blue notebook during the summer of 2015. It was originally meant for my eyes only. And a big part of the reason why was that, when I googled things like "Special Ed makes me feel bad," there wouldn't be much of anything coming up. There were Quora forums! A couple of YouTube videos. Articles here and there.

But it wasn't a lot. Not enough to help me out for long. And it only hammered the idea further into my head that I was alone in what I endured. As I got older, grew up, and away from the program and people who took my disabled youth, I constantly felt this urge to talk about it. What SpEd had put me through. What I'd lost. What I'd seen & heard. The things I did and didn't learn. Even though I was never a very open kid, let alone teenager.

I hated that no one was talking about it. And how nobody knew what happened to kids like me behind closed doors. At 13 and 14, almost none of the new friends I made had ever heard a life story like mine. And I've always found that wild: I had a LOT of friends! (Still do!)

So I kept drawing it out. Kept working on the story in notebooks, sketchbooks, my friends' DMs, and anywhere else words could go. Sometimes, my family would catch glimpses of the concept art. Sad sketches of Matthew crying, freaky drafts of Monster, or tense moments between what would become Class 7-C.

And one of my parents would be like, "Why is your art so depressing?" They'd roll their eyes. And they'd add on, "People's parents aren't gonna like it!"

No, I never told them what the story was about. I never even told them it was a children's media (because it kinda isn't! I'd personally put PB as 13+?) These were judgments made with just one glance at computer papers covered in pencil strokes; sketchy and shapey little kids who didn't look like they were having fun.

I knew they were wrong. But the audacity still pissed me off. There aren't many times where it's appropriate to boss somebody else around in how to tell their story, you know? Not only that, but I also worried about not having an audience back then. Sure, all my friends loved my work. But at the time, I was the only one who'd really experienced anything "Special Education" in life. Thus, these were General Ed kids watching it unfold. Able-bodied eyes and (as far as I knew back then) neurotypical minds, watching and learning from whatever I made.

And I liked that. But that wasn't the only group I wanted to be seen by. I wanted disabled people, especially youth in their teens and twenties, to see it. That's my primary audience. And shit like that made me wonder if I'd ever find it. Had me second-guessing myself a little, you know?

But I shook it off. It's like that thing teachers always say in class. "If you're confused or have a question, ask: whatever it is, you probably aren't the only one thinking it!"

And I searched for stuff like PAPERBOY, hadn't I? Yeah. I had. So by that logic, other people definitely would be, too.

So I stuck to my guns, and... check it! Y'all showed up!

One thing I've noticed ever since publishing part 1 is that the PB Nation is pretty damn devoted. You guys have been patient, passionate, silly, and unapologetically yourselves since the get-go. And the response to every old promotional comic or post I've made has been OVERWHELMINGLY positive and curious. I've gotten fucking fanart, man! More than once! I've had the honor of meeting a few of you in person already! And for the ones who haven't caught me out with my friends in New York, believe me, I REMEMBER who comments what.

By the way, you guys should spam my comments more. Fuckin' love that shit. SPEAK TO ME, lmao. Even if it's like, the most irrelevant PB question ever. Keyboard smash in my comment sections. Send me disability reels you like. Tell me what you wanna see from the story. Whatever, as long as it doesn't bleed into parasocial territory!

I've gotta have one of the best audiences out there. So thank you! For just... being around. Here's to hoping y'all enjoy the journey we're aboutta go on.

#paperboy pb #paperboy #author's note #disability #disabled artist #disabled writer #webtoon canvas creator

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giantkillerjack · 7 months

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"Oh, Jack. You silly boi. You know that help at the top of the stairs is no help at all."

---

Art piece i may delete later about my parents offering money to me and my sisters to pay for either grad school (a thing I don't want and can't do with my disability) or my wedding (also a thing I don't need/want), but not for anything that would actually help me escape poverty and find stable housing and income.

Like, I recognize the privilege of being able to complain that my parents have offered me a bunch of money but in the wrong way.

But also if that money is on top of a flight of stairs that I can't climb (but my sisters can), then I haven't really been offered money, so much as I have watched money I need be placed somewhere I can't reach it. Which tbh feels worse than if it was never mentioned to me in the first place.

I was gonna send this art to them and i wrote this big long message to go with it, but then I decided to wait until my therapy session on Tuesday to talk it thru with her first, since I've literally never regretted doing that.

Besides, both of my parents are lawyers and right now they're providing me and my friends with a lot of free legal advice about this property we're trying to buy together, so I don't want to rock the boat currently.

I just wish I knew if I had access to that money as a poor person in need of stable housing and quality disability care, and I wish my parents weren't world-class hLepers who have a long and triggering history of engaging me in rigorous debate about the kind of help I should be allowed to receive from them as a disabled person.

Nothing like having to provide an argument that would hold up in court every time I'm sick and need help! Love that! Love that I can't even talk about money with them now without having invasive thoughts about it for days to come due to past incidences in which this repeated behavior of theirs literally endangered my life!!

Not like I need that mental capacity for working on the largest and most exciting opportunity of my life that also happens to line up with my hopes and dreams for the future!! It's fine!! What do I even need mental capacity for anyway?????

This wouldn't even be the first time this little Distrust Fund has caused problems for my relationship with my parents. They are very opposed to that money being used to help my disability and it has caused PROBLEMS for us that we have never quite recovered from.

It's just difficult to be reminded that although our relationship has gotten better (mostly thanks to me setting boundaries), that doesn't mean they now actually believe what I need for my disability when I tell them.

They really do love me, and they have only ever acted with the best of intentions . But good intentions cease to matter when the impact is harmful and repeated. And they have proven to be repeatedly incapable of providing non-ableist support for me again and again and again. They've even genuinely tried to learn; and sometimes it really seems like my mom has made progress with her therapist (who is disabled), but who knows when I can so jarringly be reminded of how quickly that toxic ableist thinking can show its ugly face.

It's so clear to me and they don't even know it's there.

It feels like I'm in a horror movie when I try to get them to understand their own ableism, and that is a good good sign that I may want to consider an approach that minimizes my mental damage instead. Even if it means I don't get their stupid, deeply-conditional-and-yet-the-conditions-are-SO-vague-and-they-won't-admit-it money.

#original #diary #ableism #ableism cw #if they actually trusted me they'd just give me the fucking money but WHATEVER #maybe it's cause of all those times i was really reckless and irresponsible with money-- OH WAIT. THAT HAS LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED #I GRADUATED BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH HONORS AND HAVE NEVER HAD ISSUES WITH OVER-SPENDING #maybe they subconsciously think I'm stupid w money bc I'm poor. but i doubt my sisters could just get the whole lump sum either.#I HAVE BEEN LIVING FRUGALLY MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE YOU BASTARDS #I would say there's a 5% chance they pleasantly surprise me but I have to be careful not to spend too much energy on it #the invasive thoughts around my family's ableism are super aggressive and constant when they start #and so i would rather have no help than that stinky-ass hLep that hurts my brain and heart so bad for days after #hLep #anyway i don't want their help paying for a wedding bc i am housing insecure with no income and so is my wife #and besides that wedding planning is hard and stressful and involves either including or snubbing relatives i don't like #so like if you offer me thousands of dollars i would be like Great! More savings means more safety and security!#i would NOT be like Okay time to spend $2000 on fucking flowers I have SHIT GOING ON #if i have a wedding then the cost will be the cost of pizza for all the guests.#also govt says i can't get married or i lose my disability payments so ryan and I just decided we are married years ago #i need SO much disability care equipment that i don't have and i am unable to hold a standard full time job #but yeah sure maybe I'll go get another DEGREE despite my interests being completely non academic. fuck OFF.#i have been writing or making art about this all evening this is not how I wanted to spend the evening it is past 4am #hopefully this processing and drawing and journaling will allow me to remove this issue from the very forefront of my mind #it's a careful line to walk between processing and obsessing. but good processing helps you stop obsessing #hopefully I can save some of the more painful parts of this for therapy so I can focus on other stuff for the next couple days #listen if interacting with someone in a certain way makes you feel like you're in a horror movie then something needs to change #and sometimes the change is that we need to make literal and emotional distance between us and those people bc they aren't learning #okay okay time for edibles and a shower i fuckin earned it and even if i didn't I can do whatever I fucking want 👌#and also I deserve nice things by default #and so do you

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