#grishaverse matthias oneshot
Note
I just saw that your requests are open, which is exciting! I love the Staying Undercover story you wrote for Matthias Helvar and was wondering if you would be willing to write more for him? I would love an enemies to friends to lovers story with the reader (fem or gn). The idea I have in mind is reader is a Grisha working for Pekka unwillingly (perhaps being blackmailed into it) and one of the crows thinks it would be best to get the reader on their side but for some reason not kill them entirely, and so reader works as a person on the inside to overthrow Pekka and join the crows and tends up with Matthias. You can obviously change anything you want, this is just the overall fondest I have. I love your writing!! <3
ty!! matthias for the win always
masterlist
Kaz Brekker has another trick up his sleeve. Normally, that’s a sign that Matthias should be worried. The last few times Brekker called a meeting of the inner six of them, they ended up having to lay low from the stadwatch for months. Months. Brekker argues that as the stadwatch are mostly blind anyway, they weren’t fundamentally impacted, but Matthias knows otherwise.
So yes, seeing the demjin close the door to his office behind them with the typical sadistic gleam in his eyes isn’t exactly what Matthias wants to see. It’s not that Matthias thinks Kaz will get them all killed, just that they’re about to be flung into yet another scenario in which their lives will come perilously close to being ended. It’s the miniscule gap between life and death that Brekker enjoys the most.
Matthias, contrary to popular belief, likes being alive. You wouldn’t think it from the way he keeps finding himself in terrible situations with impossible odds, but it’s true. That means he watches Kaz with a raised brow until the gang leader finally starts explaining himself, gloved fingers steepled over the crow’s head of his cane.
It’s well known that Brekker hates many of the gang leaders in the Barrel, but the one he despises most is Pekka Rollins. There’s a reason for that stemming way back, of that Matthias is certain, but Brekker refuses to elaborate to anyone except perhaps Inej Ghafa.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise, then, that Brekker’s latest plan is targeting Rollins yet again. Kaz recently happened upon some information relating to one of Pekka’s footsoldiers. Apparently Pekka hired a Grisha Inferni about a year or so ago. The circumstances weren’t right, and blackmail is the primary reason why this Grisha is staying under Pekka’s payroll.
Kaz believes that this is a loophole they can exploit. Unhappy workers are the easiest way to get a mole on your side. Brekker’s plan is to meet this Inferni and convince them to feed him information on Pekka Rollins, as much as possible until their cover is blown.
There are many things wrong with this plan, Matthias feels. Nina frowns, voicing one of his concerns. “This seems incredibly dangerous for the Inferni. They’ll be putting their life on the line, and we’ll only get them after they’ve been caught. The only thing we’ll be collecting is a corpse.”
Kaz shakes his head. “We’ll get to them before he does. I’ve devised a method of sending signals between their quarters and the Slat. If we move quickly, we’ll be able to pull them out. I don’t intend on wasting resources, Nina. Having an Inferni in our ranks is useful, even after they’re revealed as a mole.”
Inej tilts her head to the side, considering this. “Have we won over the Inferni already, or is this pure speculation?”
Kaz nods. “I spoke to her two days ago and, after some weighty consideration, she agreed. Her name is Y/N L/N, and she hates Pekka Rollins just as much as we do. That’s why she was alright with this. Pekka has Grisha hunters on his payroll too, and he’s threatening to turn Y/N over to them if she doesn’t go along with it. To make matters worse, Y/N has a young friend who came to the city with her, one who’s also Grisha, and the threat goes for them, too.”
Jesper scowls. “Every time I think the scumbag can’t get worse, Pekka goes and pulls something like this.”
The rest of the crew seem convinced, but Matthias still has some apprehensions. “So, we’re going to the trouble of trying to watch out for two strangers in the lion’s den because…?”
“Because I want an inside man,” Kaz says, and that just about settles it.
Matthias is still getting used to this whole thing, how Brekker decides something on the drop of a hat and they all have to go along with it. Of course, it’s not all that different from taking orders from the higher-ups in the drüskelle order, but that had been something else. Matthias hadn’t realized that there was an option for him to say no. Now he knows he doesn’t have to do a damn thing, but he’s still with Brekker’s crew anyway. Figures.
In all honesty, Matthias knows that he shouldn’t have a problem with any of this. There are innocents who’ve been roped into a bad situation, this is the sort of thing that Matthias usually rises up against. It’s just different because– well, because they’re Grisha.
He thought he was over this, really he did, but Matthias can still hear the words of his old drüskelle commander rattling behind his ears, telling him to not trust a damned one of them. He doesn’t know how to shut that voice out, so he ignores it as best he can.
Soon enough, Brekker’s plan is put into motion. Y/N starts feeding them information and Kaz’s mood notably improves. One of the Crows meets up with Y/N in regularly scheduled intervals, usually Inej, and so far, the Inferni has never led them astray.
Matthias had assumed that he wouldn’t be involved in this until the time came to break Y/N out of Pekka’s hold, but one day Kaz stops by Matthias’ door in the Slat and informs him that Matthias will be meeting with the spy instead.
Matthias frowns. “What? I thought that was Inej’s job.”
Brekker’s expression is cold. “Inej is occupied. You are free. Go.”
There’s not really a whole lot he can do after that, and in the blink of an eye, Matthias finds himself stalking out of the Slat and towards a nondescript pub in the shadows of the city. The location changes each time for the Inferni to meet Inej, but he’s been provided with a booth and a hastily drawn image so as to identify them.
Matthias gets there early so he can scout out the place and make sure he’s not been followed. He sits in the corner of the booth, hands twisting around his drink, until someone slides into the seat next to him. Matthias is ready to tell them that he’s waiting for someone until she pushes her hood back and the dim lantern light of the pub reveals the face of the Inferni.
“You’re Brekker’s Fjerdan?” She asks by way of introduction.
Matthias frowns. “I have a name.”
She arches a brow. “Yeah, and it isn’t relevant. Do you want the information or not?”
Matthias gives her a sour look, which only seems to make the girl’s smile broaden. “If I decline, Brekker will tear out my lungs.”
“Of course he will,” the Inferni says gleefully. She reaches into a bag by her side and pushes a packet across the table at him. Inside are the same notes they’ve been receiving all this time. Matthias can’t help but notice that the papers are lighter than usual, signaling that she’s got less material than her previous trips.
When he points this out, a shadow crosses Y/N’s face. “I know, I know. I think Pekka’s catching on to me. He’s started concealing his important conversations, and locking up documents before I can get to them. Tell Kaz that he’s going to have to get used to less frequent meetings, I’m worried I’m going to get caught otherwise.”
Matthias feels a twinge of worry despite himself. “Do you think you’re alright to return back to his clubs?”
Y/N waves a hand dismissively. “He’s not going to murder me immediately, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m good for another few weeks of information, your source hasn’t dried up yet.”
“I’m not asking about information,” Matthias presses, “I’m asking about you. Are you going to be okay?”
She eyes him curiously. “Why do you care?”
Matthias lifts a shoulder as casually as he can. “You are trying your best. You’re not as much a monster as he is.”
“Neither are you, Matthias Helvar,” she decides.
Matthias smiles. “I thought you didn’t know my name.”
She flashes him a wicked grin in return. “I didn’t want you to feel too important.”
He laughs, although the weight of the situation quickly comes crashing back down around him.
“Why would you be willing to do this?” Matthias asks, “Surely Pekka Rollins doesn’t take kindly to moles.”
Y/N scoffs, the sound as harsh as a Fjerdan winter. “Of course he doesn’t. He’d kill me if he ever found out.”
“So why do it?” Matthias probes cautiously.
Y/N sighs. “I don’t have a whole lot of other options. Even if I never raised a finger against Pekka, he’d still find some flaw in me and have me killed, or sell me to one of the Grisha traffickers if it better suited his interests. Pekka can’t be trusted. Kaz, though, he always honors his deals. I can count on Kaz to keep me alive.”
Brekker or death. Matthias is about to open his mouth and point out what a colossally awful way that would be to live, and then he realizes with a shudder that it’s pretty much how he lives, too. Brekker arranged to get him out of Hellgate, and it’s with Brekker’s crew that he’s running now. Without the protection of the Crows, where would Matthias go? Back to Fjerda? Absurd. He’d be hanged as a traitor in minutes.
So they both have that, then, the demjin protecting them from the noose. Not exactly the finest of thoughts, but still one thread to keep them bound together as allies rather than enemies.
“You really think you’ll be able to leave that easily? You’re still in the same city, and you’ve got his brand on your shoulder,” Matthias points out.
Y/N snarls under her breath. “I’ll burn that ink off all by myself if I have to.”
Matthias feels his eyes widen despite his best efforts to maintain a poker face. “I am certain that there are better ways to go about removing the tattoo. Don’t– don’t do that. Djel.”
The corners of Y/N’s lips quirk up in a half-smile. “Are you taking Djel’s name in vain? Goodness, Helvar, Brekker truly has ruined you. I thought drüskelle were all Grisha-hating, Djel-fearing puritans. Don’t tell me you swear, too, or all my illusions will be shattered.”
For some reason, hearing Y/N think so little of him in connection to the Fjerdan beliefs makes Matthias’ stomach turn. “We’re not all like that,” he says shortly.
“I can tell,” Y/N replies, but he doesn’t think it’s a bad thing, what she says of him. In fact, the glimmer of something in her eyes might almost be newfound respect.
They leave soon after that, out of fear that staying too long in one location might draw suspicion, but Matthias thinks about her the whole walk home, plus later that night, alone in his bed unable to sleep. How could Y/N be so certain of her own impending death yet so committed to the cause of taking Pekka down? How could any of this be worth it?
He must not be as capable of internalizing his emotions as he’d thought, because Kaz regards him suspiciously the next day when Matthias hands over Y/N’s packet of secrets. Matthias manages to excuse it away as concern that their source may be in greater danger than she mentioned, but he has no doubt that Brekker has seen through him anyway.
Still, that doesn’t stop Matthias from asking to take over Inej’s job of meeting up with Y/N the next time, and the next time, and the next. He ignores the knowing smiles, the exchanged glances. It’s easier to forget all that when he’s laughing with Y/N in some shadowy place, pretending they’re not both likely to be killed. She makes it all worth it.
Matthias’ nerves only grow more rattled the longer time passes. Every time he sees Y/N, she looks more and more uneasy. Pekka comes closer to catching on by the day. He can’t imagine what it must be like to operate under that kind of stress, knowing that you’re so close to being found out, but Y/N manages it anyway.
And then, one day, she doesn’t, and Kaz spots the warning signal displayed from Y/N’s quarters. She’s been caught, then. The Crows assemble in minutes, sprinting over to Pekka’s area of operation so as to pull Y/N out before too late. They split up, heading in different directions to canvas the location as quickly as possible.
Matthias heads up to the roof, working his way down through the floors. He hears the sound of shouting and quickly turns towards it, throwing himself into a fight without even knowing who’s in trouble. He takes down the last guard and then there she is, extinguishing an open flame on her hand as she stops the soldier trying to kill her.
Matthias can’t stop himself from letting out a sigh of relief. “Y/N.”
She looks up and Matthias marvels at the look in her eyes, the sort of overwhelming reassurance that must be present in his own expression as well. “Matthias?”
Y/N runs to him, or maybe he runs to her, or maybe both, because suddenly they go from standing on opposite sides of the corridor to being together again. Matthias embraces her easily, as he thinks he’s wanted to for quite some time. Her head tucks against his shoulder, and for some reason he feels that if he just keeps her this close forever, they will both be safe.
“Hey,” he says softly, “hey, it’s okay. You’re with me. You’re alright.”
She’s shaking, but the movements still and die away the longer he stays with her. “It’s alright,” he says again, “it’s alright, it’s alright.”
Matthias has no idea how many times he reassured her of this, or how long he stayed there, but soon enough Y/N squeezes his hand one last time and steps away from him. They still have to get back to the Slat before the plan will have fully succeeded, but the fact that both of them are alive and relatively unharmed right now is good.
The escape is easier than the break-in. Matthias guides her to the roof and then down, their footsteps quick on the uneven cobblestones of the surrounding streets. He pauses briefly to light a candle in a neighboring window, the signal they agreed upon to indicate that Y/N had been found, and then he turns back to Y/N again, the danger relatively behind them.
“Are you alright?” He asks, scanning her in search of injury.
She looks fine, and tells him that much. “They haven't caught up to me yet. I overheard Pekka telling his men to find me and bring me to him, that’s when I sent out the warning signal. I’ve been trying to hide ever since.”
Matthias breathes out slowly. It sounds terrifying, but it doesn’t surprise him that Y/N would be able to pull it off. She’s braver than any of them. “I don’t know how you managed to keep a cool head during all that. Hiding from dozens of guards couldn’t have been easy. At least you knew Kaz would send us to get you.”
“I wasn’t thinking about Kaz,” Y/N tells him slowly, “I was thinking about you. All Kaz needed from me was information, but I knew that you would fight to keep me safe. That’s what kept me focused. I knew you were out there waiting for me.”
His breath catches in his throat. There’s something she isn’t telling him, something he isn’t telling her either. He’d like to, though. No more secrets. Just them.
Kissing her is easy, actually, and it makes Matthias wonder why he’d waited this long to do it. Once again, he is struck by the overwhelming sensation that this is right, this is what he’s wanted for so long, perhaps even before he’d met her. When you’re a child, you always wonder how there could possibly be someone out there made just for you, but at last, Matthias understands. It is her. It has always been her. They are going to be safe, and they are going to be alright, and Matthias is deeply, unendingly happy.
requested by @roguemetalmaster13, i hope you enjoy!
grishaverse tag list: @rogueanschel, @deadreaderssociety, @cameronsails, @mxltifxnd0m, @story-scribbler, @retvenkos, @mayfieldss, @amortensie, @gods-fools-heroes, @bl606dy, @auggie2000, @baju69
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Liar
Druskelle!Matthias Helvar x Heartrender!WIfe!Reader
Word count: 2347
Summary: You've kept being a Grisha secret from your husband Matthias Helvar, but what happens when he finds out?
Y/N - Your name
D/N - Daughter name
If it hadn’t been for two big reasons, you’d like to think you’d have left Fjerda.
The ice, the cold, the anti Grisha talk. Living in Fjerda was nerve wracking, causing you to be hypervigilant on everything you said or did. To say it was tiring, would be an understatement. Yet two people kept you in Fjerda; your husband Matthias Helvar and your daughter D/N Helvar.
There were nights where you would toss and turn, your mind plaguing you with nightmares about Matthia finding out about you. Those nightmares never ended the same way. In one dream he’d kill you, the other you’d try to run away together, only for him to be killed. Sometimes you’d be caught instead. In the worst nightmares, it’d be your daughter who was caught and killed.
It’s not that you were afraid of Matthias. You feared him finding out because you didn’t want to lose him. Either from him leaving you, or the other Druskelle killing him.
While you were awake though, you fortunately had a friend. A woman named Elise, who lived a few houses down and was also a Grisha. A tidemaker to be more specific.
When night fell and darkness covered you both, you two would become a particular thorn in the Druskelle’s sides. Elise would use her tidemaker abilities to create harsh waves that would knock over the boats before they could depart, or icicles that pierced the bottom of the boats, while you would free any Grisha the Druskelle decided to make a “public example” out of. That among other things caused the Druskelle to have a hit out on both of you, but since you were never caught, it was like trying to capture a shadow.
“I know that I’m right”, Elise said. You rolled your eyes. This was the third time she brought up the possibility of her son, Erik, liking your daughter.
“They’re six Elise”
“I knew what I wanted at six! Plus, Erik gave his scarf to her. Isn’t that proof?”
“No. He noticed she was cold and he was nice”. Elise waved dismissively and went to open her mouth, but luckily Matthias emerged from the back. You had to admit, if you hadn’t known Matthias, you’d be startled by his build. He once told you that he was the tallest and biggest kid amongst the Drukelle, and you never doubted it. Even now, he was taller and bigger than most of the men you saw walking around. He absolutely terrified Elise when she first saw him, and you always brought it up when you wanted a good laugh.
“They’re too young to date” he said simply before he placed a kiss on your cheek. “They should wait till they’re older and he can court her properly”
You spoke before Elise could make a sarcastic remark, “where are you off to?”
“Boating docks. We’ll be taking off before the week is done, and we have to stay alert”. You fought against the urge to shoot a glance at the woman sitting next to you. Matthias mistook you anxious about being caught for anxiousness about his safety. He rubbed your cheek lightly with his thumb and looked at you with soft eyes, “I’ll be ok”.
You nodded in understanding and off he went, not knowing he was watching out for you.
~~~
You peered out your window, watching the sun start to go down. You had told the kids to be home at six bells. Foolish of you to think they’d actually listen when you weren’t watching them.
“I’m gonna start looking for them”, you announced as you threw your coat on. Your hand hovered over the doorknob, before suddenly it was thrown open.
Erik stood in the doorway, eyes wide, mouth opening and closing like a fish taken out of the water. His left sleeve was completely wet, and you couldn’t help but notice that your daughter was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s-”
“W-we were playing on the lake and… and… and i-it’s not my fault!”
“What isn’t your fault?”
“The ice cracked! I tried to pull her out but she kept moving!”.
Your heart sunk, your breath caught in your throat. Fjerda was always freezing, and who knew how long Erik had waited before he finally came to get both of you.
It was one of those moments where you mentally blacked out, only fully gaining consciousness when all three of you were approaching the lake. Your feet moved faster when you noticed the hole she undoubtedly fell in. Shouts telling you to slow down fell on deaf ears as you kept running. You approached the hole, hoping maybe she was close by, but she wasn’t. You kneeled, hoping being closer to the ice would help you spot her.
You heard shuffling and panting behind you. “I told Erik to get Matthias. Do you see her?”
“Do you see her in my arms?”, you snapped unintentionally, too preoccupied to care about how harsh that sounded.
You got back to your feet and overlapped your fingers over each other, making a triangle shape.
“Y/N anyone could see!”. You ignored her words and kept trying to feel for the familiar heartbeat.
You felt a heartbeat, but it did nothing to ease your worries when you realized how slow and faint it was. You followed it, the heartbeat leading a while away from the initial hole in the ice.
“Elise!”, you called when you saw the familiar hair color of your daughter and her bright colored jacket. Your back stayed to Elise, afraid if you took your eyes off your daughter that she would float away again.
The ice above her cracked before it erupted, it being moved with ease. You silently said a prayer to any higher power that was listening, and thanked them for giving you a tidemaker as a friend.
You dropped down, pulled the young girl up and laid her on the ice. Your hands went over her heart, once again ignoring the protests coming from the woman behind you. It wasn’t her child dying. It was yours.
“Come on… come on…”, you mumbled.
You kept muttering encouraging words under your breath, as if all she needed was a good push. You kept telling her to wake up, only letting yourself let out a breath of relief when her eyes opened and she coughed up water. You pulled her up and patted her back, your own heartbeat still not slowing down. You slipped off her jacket and replaced it with your own, your own arms now freezing, but your own freezing body was the least of your concerns.
You heard more footsteps and looked up, seeing Matthias approaching. He kneeled down, scooping her in his arms and sighing, “Let’s get her inside and get her warm. She’s freezing”.
~~~
Your heartbeat only slowed down when you laid your daughter down to sleep. You watched over her for a while, monitoring her heartbeat. You didn’t know what Matthias was doing. He started acting strange once you got home. Maybe it was shock. You couldn’t tell him how to process the near death experience of his only child.
You left your daughter’s room and made your way to your own bedroom, but your eyebrows furrowed when you noticed Matthias was nowhere to be seen. You checked the bathroom, living room and kitchen, but Matthias wasn’t there. You stepped outside, finally seeing Matthias outside standing, eyes up to the sky.
You made your way to his side, “how long have you been out here?”. Matthias didn’t respond. You looked up at the stars like he was, “were you speaking to Djel?”.
He nodded. “I was asking for guidance and forgiveness”.
You frowned. Forgiveness for what? For not predicting what happened today? Who could have? It was an accident. A terrible accident, but an accident. You weren’t even angry at Erik or Elise.
“Today was not your fault Matthias. You don’t need to ask for forgiveness”.
Matthias once again didn’t respond. Instead, he walked back into the house. You followed him, calling his name, but getting nothing in return. You grabbed his arm, noticing when he flinched and took a deep breath.
“I know you’re scared because of what happened today. I am too, but don’t push me away. Talk to me-”
“Stop”, he said firmly. He turned to face you, and for the first time ever, he didn’t look at you with softness and love or patience and caring. His eyes were harsh, his eyes now reminding you of a storm instead of the calm sea. “How’d you find her? That’s not the hole she fell in”.
“No one knows where she fell. We weren’t there”.
“Erik was, and he said you weren’t where D/N fell. So, how’d you find her?”.
“I looked around”, you half lied. You had been looking around… just with a little help. “I saw her hair and jacket”.
“Why was there another hole?”
“It was already there”, you lied once again but Matthias didn’t look convinced. “Why… Why are you asking me this?”, you asked. You tried your best to remain calm, hoping he hadn’t seen anything, and if he did you were hoping you could lie your way out of it. You couldn’t let your nightmares come true.
“You’re lying”.
“I’m not”.
“I saw you! I saw your hands over her!”. You unintentionally backed away when his voice rose. He didn’t seem as soft and caring as he usually was. You tried to think quickly.
“I-I was giving her CPR. There was water in her lungs, I wasn’t just gonna wait for a doctor-”
“I saw Elise break and move the ice without touching it! I saw you with your hands over D/N! Why are you still lying to me?!”.
You went silent. You couldn’t think of a lie out of this. You tried, you really did, but how could you explain that?
“You’re a liar”.
“Matthias”
“It all makes sense. What’s been happening recently. Ships wrecked, sudden bad waves, Drusje escaping, Druskelle being disoriented”, he took a pause, his eyes never getting softer “it was you two. And that’s why you kept telling me to stop being a Druskelle”.
“I…”, you thought for a moment, trying to find a good response. “I wanted to tell you but I didn’t wanna lose you-”, Matthias turned away but you kept talking, your words coming out rushed “I love and care for you so much and Matthias, Grisha are not bad people, despite what you’ve been taught”.
“Is D/N a witch?”
“Grisha are not witches and I don’t know. I didn’t think to test her yet”. Silence filled the room before Matthias spoke up again,
“But she could be”
You moved to be in front of him, “she’s still our daughter-”
“She’s your daughter”.
You froze. All of a sudden the girl he cared for since she was a newborn, the girl he told bedtime stories to and let sleep next to him when she had a nightmare, was no longer his daughter?
“Don’t do this. She’s still your daughter. I’m still your wife!”, you pleaded. Your hands raised to cup his face but he backed away. You looked into his eyes, trying to read what he was feeling. It didn’t work. He had become a hard wall, unwilling to budge. “I love you and you love me”.
“None of this was real. This was your witchcraft. You made me fall in love with you!”
“You know that’s not true!”, you almost yelled. “Everything between us is real! I married you because I love you! I had your child because I love you! I didn’t make you fall in love with me, that’s not even how my power works!”
“You’re a witch who can boil blood and stop a pulse! Who knows what else you can do?!”
“I would NEVER do that to you or anyone else even if I could!”. You stepped closer to him, but once again he stepped back. “You can’t possibly be that afraid of me”
“I’m not afraid of witches”
“You hate me”. You waited for Matthias to deny it. For him to pull you into a hug and say he’d hear you out, but neither came. You sighed, how could all of this change in a matter of hours? “You wanna hate me, but you don’t and you know you don’t”.
Matthias looked away from you. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then opened his eyes again. He didn’t look back at you though. “I have to report you and Elise”.
You shook your head, “no you don’t!”. Your hands gripped his arms, sorrow and agony behind your words, “Matthias please!”.
Matthias looked down at you, “I’ll wait until half bell. After that, we’ll be looking for all of you”.
All of you.
You, Elise, Erik, your daughter.
When Matthias hadn’t budged, you ran to your daughter’s room. You quickly got her dressed and threw a coat over her tiny frame. She kept asking questions and rubbing her eyes, but you couldn’t spare any time to answer them.
What really broke your heart though, is when she saw Matthias. She slipped from your grasp and made her way to him, “where are we going?”. Matthias picked her up and held her, and her arms and legs wrapped around him. Her head falling in the crook of his neck. You had hoped that maybe he changed his mind, but you guessed picking her up and comforting her was like a reflex, because once he seemed to realize what he was doing, he put her down and stepped away from her.
You picked her up, ignoring her confused murmurs and spared Matthias one last glance before you left. You ran over to Elise’s house, telling her of the news. Like you, she had to wake up her child, and dress him quickly. You two knew you couldn’t go to the boat harbor, so you started on foot to the Ravkan border, the cold air freezing the tears on your face.
A/N: my bad if there's mistakes, I'm sick and this screen is hurting my eyes. Also in the books at least, they use bells instead of like, "6pm" but anyway-. I don't know if I wanna make a part 2 or leave this as a stand alone. Stay tuned to see if this sickness takes me out.
#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x you#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar#matthias helvar oneshot#shadow and bone#shadow and bone oneshot#shadow and bone imagine#matthias helvar imagine#six of crows#grishaverse#shadow and bone x reader
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Sitting in bed doing nothing as if I don't have a multi chapter fic to cowrite, two flirt!Kaz fics waiting in my notes app, a show canon divergence au where Kaz performs magic to get into Os Alta with the troupe to plan, a dad!Kaz fic where Kaz adopts a little girl off the streets of the Barrel to continue planning, a pre-canon prison fic to start, and a heart-to-heart Kaz&Jesper fic plan to continue working on.
#i have so many wips#most of those are oneshots#because multichapters scare the crap out of me#but one of the flirt!kaz ones is a 5+1#so six chapters#six of crows#grishaverse#six of crows duology#soc#kaz brekker#jesper fahey#inej ghafa#nina zenik#wylan van eck#matthias helvar#soc fanfic#six of crows fanfic
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In which five times Kaz bakes for the crows
#Six of Crows#Kaz Brekker#Oneshots#Inej Ghafa#Wylan Van Eck#Jesper Fahey#Matthias Helvar#Nina Zenik#Baking#SOC#Grishaverse
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So apparently, I'm never leaving my hyper fixation on the grisha verse yet again. I have an oc one shot that I had not planned on writing but loved too much not too keep and will eventually realse it because it's been sitting at already six pages long, I wanted to knock it out. However, ignoring the rabling, I am taking requests for Kaz Brekker slash any crow ideas and Nikolia Lantsvo. School has restarted college is tame as of thus far I will try my best to keep up if y'all want anything.
#grishaverse#six of crows#privateerprince#kaz brekker#inej ghana#imagine your otp#booklore#shadow and bone#sturmhond#x reader#jesper fahey#wylan van eck#oneshot#nikolai lantsov#the crowned prince#nina zenik#matthias helvar
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Chapters: 72/?
Fandom: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Matthias Helvar/Nina Zenik, Kaz Brekker & Jordie Rietveld, Jordie Rietveld/Original Character(s)
Characters: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Wylan Van Eck, Matthias Helvar, Nina Zenik, Jordie Rietveld, Colm Fahey, Original Characters
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Touch-Averse Kaz Brekker, Fluff, Humor, Alternate Universe - College/University, Texting, Jordie Rietveld Lives, Canon Disabled Character, The Crows as Found Family, Best Friends, Slow Burn, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, these characters are fueled by coffee and their love for each other, Chronic Illness, Angst, this isn't really a camp au anymore but hey it's still cute
Summary:
jesper fahey: HELLO
jesper fahey: WHO IS READY TO WATCH KAZ MAKE CHILDREN CRY THIS SUMMER!!!
Or, the Crows as camp counselors (& college students).
Modern AU/Texting Fic
#a little break in the oneshots for a new chapter#it is unedited i am very sorry but my brain is unable to cooperate right now#i will edit tomorrow on GOD#six of crows#six of crows fic#six of crows fanfic#soc#soc fic#soc fanfic#grishaverse#grishaverse fic#kaz brekker#jesper fahey#inej ghafa#matthias helvar#wylan van eck#nina zenik#jordie rietveld
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GRISHAVERSE AO3 SERIESES
EVERYTHING FOR GRISHAVERSE
GRISHA TRILOGY
Aleksander Morozova/The Darkling
Alina Starkov
Mal Oretsev
Genya Safin
Nikolai Lantsov
Zoya Nazyalensky (coming)
THE CROWS
Kaz Brekker
Inej Ghafa
Jesper Fahey
Wylan Van Eck/Wylan Hendriks
Nina Zenik
Matthias Helvar
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(Any of the other characters don't have any requests written nor pending as for now, so I'm unable to have serieses for them as AO3 requires you to have at least one oneshot written to be able to add it to a series, and I can't promise serieses for characters who don't have requests pending/I have no ideas of my own for them)
For anyone who's concerned, THESE ARE NOT ONESHOT COLLECTIONS, they are made using AO3's "series" feature.
If you want to be informed about new fics for Grishaverse or its individual characters, create an AO3 account and subscribe or bookmark any of those serieses listed above. There are buttons at the top right corner for those, or on top on mobile. I do not do Tumblr taglists anymore.
Subscribe button highlighted:
#aleksander morozova#aleksander morozova x reader#the darkling#the darkling x reader#alina starkov#nikolai lantsov#nikolai lanstov x reader#alina starkov x reader#mal oretsev#kaz brekker#kaz brekker x reader#mal oretsev x reader#inej ghafa#inej ghafa x reader#jesper fahey#jesper fahey x reader#wylan van eck#wylan van eck x reader#nina zenik#nina zenik x reader#matthias helvar x reader
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hello all!
I've been contemplating this for a bit and I've decided to follow int he footsteps of other artists and use my writing to help palestine!
for the forseeable future, I'll be taking comissions for fics in exchange for donations to either operation olive branch or care for gaza, alternatively you can buy an esim!
to comission a fic, use this form. I will start writing as soon as I receive the prompt, but I won't publish it until I've received proof of donation. hopefully, the fic will be written in two weeks maximum, but please remember I am only one person.
I'll do a more in depth rundown of things I write under the cut, but the fandoms I have listed are Six of Crows, Heathers the musical, Mean Girls the musical, Gilmore Girls, Osemanverse and one ship from CAOS. If you know I ship something but it's not listed here, feel free to send me a dm and ask if I'll write it!
also if you're a writer for any of these fandoms and would like to get involved, please do reach out to me! we're stronger together!
from the river to the sea, palestine will be free!
Fandoms I write for:
Grishaverse:
-romantic wesper
-romantic kanej
-romantic helnik
-poly!crows
-any friendship pairing between the crows/found family
-familial dynamics between wylan and marya, jesper and colm and kaz and jordie
-character centric: wylan, inej, jesper, kaz, matthias, nina
-romantic zoyalai
-all can be canon compliant, canon divergent, show or book canon or au (please specify if you do/don't want one of these)
Heathers:
-romantic healthy jdronica
-romantic toxic jdronica
-dunnmara (martha x heather mac)
-romantic or platonic martharonnie
-anything veronica sawyer centric
-I will also write oneshots from the not beyond repair universe or the time won't fly universe
Mean Girls:
-romantic cadnis
-platonic damian/janis/cady, platonic damian+janis
-character centric: janis
Next to Normal:
-anything natalie-centric
-romantic henry/natalie
-natalie+diana, natalie+dan, natalie+gabe
Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
-romantic theo/robin
Gilmore Girls
-romantic luke/lorelai
-romantic jess/rory
-familial rory+lorelai
-complicated familial lorelai+emily, lorelai+richard
-anything rory centric
Osemanverse:
-romantic nick/charlie, lister/jimmy, bliss/juliet, pip/rooney
-platonic aled/frances, paris squad, shakespeare squad (loveless)
-romantic, platonic or inbetween michael/tori
-familial charlie+tori(+oliver)
character centric: charlie spring, tori spring
#fanfiction#fanfic writing#onthelastrain#heathers the musical#six of crows#mean girls broadway#osemanverse#gilmore girls#next to normal#cadnis#jdronica#literati#java junkie#wesper#kanej#helnik
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Like Mother, Like Son
Fandom: Grishaverse: Six of Crows
Summary: Jesper's heat came and went like all the others had. He built up the nest, spent a week being sated and cared for by his partners, and then washed all their linens to put them away. Something should have come after and distinctly hadn't, yet.
Warnings: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, pregnancy, childbirth, canon-typical mentions of slavery, implied breeding kink
Word Count: 26,666
Ship(s): Jesper Fahey/Kaz Brekker/Nina Zenik/Wylan Van Eck/Inej Ghafa/Matthias Helvar
Archive link!
A/N: It's been a very long time since I wrote a oneshot as long as this one and I'm very happy with how this turned out! I hope that you guys enjoying reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know ABO dynamics and mpreg aren't very popular within the grishaverse but they're kind of a staple of my autism so I had to write some of them, haha. Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3
He was sure that the side of his finger was going to start bleeding any second now because of how often he had been chewing on it. It was better than worrying his lip between his teeth because that was more noticeable to his partners, which he didn’t really want it to be yet. Still, it hurt more than anything had in a long time. Short persistent pain was worse than getting shot since at least adrenaline came with the hot white burst.
Jesper had gotten a lot better at telling his partners when he was worried about something than he had been when their pack first formed. It had taken a lot of work on his part to be able to bare his soul to them like they required, but he had loved them so much that it wasn’t like he was doing it for nothing. He usually came to them when he was feeling down about himself or insecure that they were going to reject him from their mating mark if not their pack entirely. They were all so kind and compassionate to him when he did that, rewarding his vulnerability with the comfort that he needed. Even Kaz was able to get into Jesper’s head and pick apart the thoughts that were threatening to consume him.
This wasn’t something that Jesper felt like he could come to them about because he was barely able to wrap his own mind around it. That should have been exactly the reason that he went to them, so that he could talk out loud and have another opinion to bounce off of, but he couldn’t. It was too personal and too scary for him to say out loud and that was a crucial part of being able to work through an issue.
It was nearing the end of spring, the heat of summer already sinking into the humid streets of Ketterdam. That meant that it was edging out of estrus season, so it wasn’t that uncommon for members of the Dregs to be locked away in their rooms when they were supposed to be working so they could outlast the natural hormonal flux all alphas and omegas went through. Betas clogged the street this time of year, all of them doing work in the place of their friends who had been incapacitated by estrus or taking advantage of the lack of alphas.
The Crows weren’t able to escape that fundamental part of their biology either. Kaz and Matthias’ ruts had both synced up with Wylan and Jesper’s heats since they were all mated to each other. It had happened the second year that they had been together as a mated pack, which made the experience so much more pleasant than it had been the first year when Matthias was gone on a mission and it left Nina and Kaz trying to keep two omegas in heat satisfied.
When the estrus had taken over the members of the mate-pack that year, their fourth year sharing their estrus with each other and their fifth being mated, they had done what had become habit. Wylan and Jesper had spent the entire day in nothing but their smalls while running after their partners to get their scents on certain fabric so that they could build up their nest. That, of course, meant that Matthias spent the day hovering outside of their group bedroom while preparing to help them however they needed and Kaz spent it brooding in his office.
They had spent the next three days boarded up in their master bedroom while fucking the brains out of each other. They used cold spells to wash themselves of the sweat and cum and spit that they were covered in, while Inej and Nina took care of all of the business down in the club that couldn’t wait. The estrus had passed and they were once again free to go back to the way that things had been before. He and Wylan taken down their nest and washed all of the sex scent out of them before returning the linens to where they belonged in the closet. It was like it had never happened by the time that the two of them had finished.
But things didn’t return back to normal for everyone in their pack. Jesper was usually so lost in his own thoughts and fantasies that he barely noticed when things had changed, especially with his own body, until it was slapping him in the face. This time was so, so different because if it was true then it brought a whole host of other issues that he was going to have to deal with.
He noticed that he had been more tired than he should have been. It had been years and years since he had stayed up night after night with shitty jurda imported from the cheap sellers in his home country, but he was still able to go with five or six hours of sleep and be fine. Now it felt like his body was constantly trying to drag him back down into sleep even when he gave it upwards of ten hours. Sometimes he wasn’t even tired in the way that sleep would cure, but exhausted down to his bones and unable to do anything about it.
He had also noticed his appetite changing. Some days all he wanted to do was eat, and he indulged himself in the snacks that Nina kept in her rooms, but other days the idea of food actually made him vomit.
The vomiting and one other thing had been his biggest clue. The first time it had happened he had called it a fluke, simply pushing it away that he had caught a bug or something, despite the fact that zowa weren’t meant to get sick. Then he realized that his nausea was coming without any cramps or pains or blood, and then he realized just how long it had been since he had last bled.
He had been mostly aware of all of the small changes in his body, but realizing that he had gone three months without his post-heat cycle or any other cycle was so terrifying that it actually made him cry.
It brought about a sense of panic that he hadn’t encountered in a very long time. There was the initial thrill of adrenaline like there always was when he was about to get into something possibly dangerous, but then it settled low in his chest and stomach. The nausea immediately increased when the anxious flutters began to shoot through his body, his mind whirling to try and figure out what it might mean.
The answer was staring him in the face the entire time that he dragged his exhausted body through the streets of the Barrel to a more respectable part of Ketterdam. He had enough Kruge in his pocket to buy himself an appointment with the heartrender apothecary worker that Kaz used for all of their business. He was someone that wouldn’t say anything about his condition if it turned out to be true, both to the general public and to his mate-pack.
No one paid him any mind as he wove through the throng of people trying to go about their business. He opened up the door to the apothecary and then slipped in without being noticed. He rang the bell on the front of the counter, trying to plaster a smirk onto his face so that he didn’t look as nervous as he felt inside.
The front of the shop was just as he remembered it. The dark wood made up the floor and the counter. The walls were plastered with beautiful green wallpaper that had multicolored flowers in stripes to bring some brightness to the space. There was a counter where the register was kept for working, glass on the top to allow people to see in to some of the snake oils that were offering their products. Behind the counter, in huge shelves stocked full, were different compounds and drugs that people could immediately buy for everyday ailments. There were also a couple of bundles of herbs, hung upside down along the door and windows so that they could dry out properly before they were used.
A few minutes later, the heartrender that Jesper had come to see walked out from the back of the shop. James was a little shorter than Jesper with salt and pepper black hair, though is face was completely shaved. He was wearing the a blue apron with the logo of his shop on the front, but his shirt underneath was a stained-yellow garment from hours working with boiling liquids. The two of them had known each other since Jesper had come to Ketterdam. He had used a good deal of the money he had been sent with for room and board to get a special medication that would help cloak his scent and dampen his heat. He had come back a couple of times since then, usually for weak birth control when he was on a mission or to get something healed that Nina was unable to. Kaz had only started to work with James when he noticed his then courting partner’s behaviors.
“You know the standard procedure,” James said as he gestured his hand over towards the door.
Jesper pushed himself off of the counter and then carefully ducked through the curtain that was separating the back space from the main work area. James had kept his Grisha abilities a relative secret so avoid being taken by slavers, but it was known that he was a person that people could go to if they needed discreet medical care.
The back space of the shop was much like the front had been. The dark wood of the floor continued, but also carried up the walls in thick beams that were hidden by plaster in the front. The walls, other than the beams, were painted a lovely blue color that immediately made Jesper relax. It was a color that he recognized from the skies back home, which was very likely something he was going to see again in person if it turned out that what he suspected as true. Before the thoughts could consume him again, he got up onto the counter that was used as an examination table. It had a thick white sheet on it, which was likely changed in between every patient that came in since James also dealt with sexually transmitted diseases. The exam table was hidden back behind the rest of the tables with a variation of ordered drugs and herbs that were being prepared.
“What are you in for today?” James asked as he walked over to the omega with those dark, boring eyes of his.
Jesper felt a little like he was on display, which wasn’t something that he minded when he was wrapped in the arms of one of his partners, but it almost made his skin crawl on the examination table. He tried to look nonchalant as he stretched his arm up behind his head to cushion his skull and then finally answered, “I needed you to check for pregnancy.”
Saying it out loud made it all the more real, but he didn’t have much time to think about it because James immediately began to move around. “It’s ging to be easiest to sense something if you lift up your shirt. Are you comfortable with that?” James asked.
A shiver of nervousness echoed through his system again. He nodded and then sat up so that he could undo his shirt. His vest was pushed back with his overcoat and then his shirt was pulled out of his pants and joined the folds of fabric. He sat back the way he had been before and stared up at the ceiling.
James’ hands pressed onto the lower part of his stomach. He felt a rush of something blow through the areas where James was holding, the same way that it felt when Nina had tried to heal him after he had been injured during a job. He whimpered slightly when he felt a shock of pain echo through his hips. “Are you alright?” James asked.
“Yes, it just hurt a bit,” Jesper replied. The examination resumed and James pressed the palm of his hand into the place over Jesper’s uterus before he let out a small hum and pulled back. Another spike of panic began to grow in his chest as he sat up. He focused mostly on doing up the buttons of his shirt and vest so that his clothes were properly back in place as he asked, “So? What’s the consensus, doc?”
“Well, based on the fact that it hurt, I felt something inside of your uterus with both my abilities and my palpitation, I would say that you are. What reasons did you think that you were pregnant?” James asked.
“I haven’t had my post-heat period but I had my heat several months ago. I’ve also been vomiting when I smell certain things and been more tired than usual,” Jesper explained. When he said all of the things out loud, it made it sound like there was no other option that it could have been.
James nodded. “You’re definitely pregnant. What is the next course of action that you want to take?”
The omega glanced up for a moment as he watched James toying with a bit of Queen Anne’s Lace, which was commonly used in abortion medications. He took in a sharp breath as his entire being was overcome with a sense of wrongness. He had never really thought about the fact that he might have wanted children, even after he was mated. The idea of aborting the baby he now knew was growing inside of him made him feel even more panicked than the idea of a baby in general. It was going to be very complicated, his next couple of steps forward, but he was willing to face that if it meant he got to bring his pup into the world.
“You don’t have any scent replacers, do you?” he asked. It was something that was very common back in Novyi Zem, a certain set of herbs that grew in their naturally warm climate could be compounded together to lessen the symptoms of scent sickness in people, but it was particularly important for expectant parents.
James shook his head. “They’re very hard to get in Ketterdam because of how necessary they are in Ravka. I take it that you don’t want an abortion tonic, then?”
The omega jumped off of the counter as he finished fussing with his clothes so that they were properly situated on his body. “No, thank you,” he shook his head. He got the bag containing the kruge out of his pocket and then handed it over to the beta. “Don’t tell anyone, even if my mates come asking about me or our visit.”
“You know that I wouldn’t,” he replied curtly. James never meant to be offensive or hurtful, but he also didn’t like wasting time on pleasantries. The omega liked that about him because it meant that whatever they were doing was over and done with as quickly as possible.
Jesper was free to walk from the clinic then, knowing that the transaction was already over. He finished righting his clothing and then took the little bottle of clove oil that he was offered at the front desk. It was standard for him to get something small that could be seen by outside eyes so that it would mask the back business that the apothecary was doing.
As soon as he stepped out onto the bustling streets of Ketterdam, the reality of the situation finally hit him. He fell into a half-dazed state as he let his legs take him where he needed to go. He knew exactly where the Silver Six was and he could find it from any point around the city or country in his sleep. He let the emotions that he had been unknowingly holding back inside of him froth up and into the forefront of his mind so that he could only focus on them.
He was pregnant.
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He was pushing his luck, and he of all people knew that he didn’t have a lot of luck to push.
It had been a month since he had gotten the diagnosis that he was expecting. He had tried to ignore it at first, waiting for his monthly to come so that it would all seem like some kind of horrible dream that he could laugh off. He’d use it to prank Matthias and then mention to Kaz that they had to find another doctor because the one that they had been using wasn’t that reliable anymore.
And yet, another month passed since his estrus and there had yet to be even a speckle of blood in his underthings. His discharge had been dark a couple of times, but that had brought more terror to him than relief. He found that he was actually thanking his lucky stars that there hadn’t been any bleeding every time that he went to the bathroom, which had caused a bit of a crisis for him.
He had started out by realizing that he did desperately want the baby growing in his womb, more than he thought he would have. Jesper had encountered people who had abortions and had never judged them for it. The Barrel was a tough place to try and raise children, especially when they were the types of individuals that Jesper had been interacting with back then. They had described the process as being tough because it went against their natural instincts but overall freeing. The idea of having it done on him came with absolutely no feeling of freedom, only terror. It was the same with almost wishing that it had been a fluke or that he would miscarry. He didn’t want the child to disappear or to loss him.
He hadn’t ever thought about having kids before, but now that he knew there was a little potential life growing inside of him it was the only thing that clung to his mind. When Inej arrived home from her most recent voyage, it caused his mind to go through each of his mates and try to reason whether or not they would be happy that he was pregnant or if they would want to keep the pup, but every person just made him feel more and more grim about the situation as a whole.
Inej loved children but she was away from them as long as she could be without any of them getting scent sickness (Jesper had physically shuddered at the thought of what scent sickness was going to do to him now that he was pregnant if he had to wait several weeks to get the Zemini cure for it), which meant that raising children wasn’t really on the table. Wylan was good with kids for the most part, but he was still wading through all of the trauma that the disgraceful Jan Van Eck and his mother’s faked death had given him, so springing a baby onto him on top of all of that seemed almost cruel. Matthias was awkward and nervous around children the same way that he was around porcelain and Inej, things that he thought were breakable under his terrifying strength. Nina seemed to be ambivalent about children on the outside but Jesper knew that with her powers she was just as shaky around them as Matthias was. Kaz’s relationship with the idea of family and children was more complicated than Jesper even truly knew, but he was always distant about the idea of children so likely wouldn’t want to be a father.
He was also a little terrified that it would break apart their pack. Kaz’s aforementioned issues with appearing weak to the outside world had added a layer of difficulty in getting them all to coordinate together into a proper pack, let alone a mated pack. The alpha had only barely admitted he wanted to claim Inej before the rest of them ended up in his life. Jesper worried what a child being added into the mix would do to their semi-fragile pack. It was possible that it would be too much for Kaz to handle and all the progress that they had made with him would suddenly disappear. For only a moment, he wondered if he should just drink one of the teas that had been offered to him and let the Queen Anne’s Lace do its work so that he didn’t have to worry about it at all.
The rearing of emotions in the back of his throat and the tears brushing at the corners of his eyes immediately reminded him why that idea wasn’t an option for him.
By the time that he actually made up his mind about what he was going to do, his heart was heavy in his chest and his body was starting to noticeably change. It wasn’t enough that he couldn’t just brush it off on something else, like the fact that their new cook drowned everything in grease or it had been a while since they had done a job. He knew that he couldn’t push it anymore and he actually had to follow through with the plan that his overactive mind had been creating for a while.
Early one morning when the air was already beginning to get heavy with the summer humidity, Jesper snuck out so that he could buy himself passage on a ship that was going to be leaving dock later that day. He returned back to the Silver Six with a pre-mourning heart and weary eyes.
He surveyed the space in front of him when he stepped over the threshold, an old habit that he had gotten into whenever he entered a new room after becoming a Dreg. Kaz was apparently in the back office on the main floor, based on the way that the door was propped open instead of shut and locked like it would be if he had taken his work up to the attic. Nina was perched on the edge of one of the tables while showing Matthias the tricks she had learned with cards from their newest waitress. Inej had left on another one of her voyages about two weeks prior after a whole month back. It was hard for her to sail with anyone that wasn’t a beta during the spring months because of estrus season, which meant that her trips in the summer tended to be longer. Wylan was gone to a meeting with the other Merchers, which Jesper was actually glad for.
“Hello, love,” Nina purred when she noticed her partner coming through the door. They tried to be a little subtle about their relationship when they were in public, but Nina was the most affectionate out of them all so the pet names were just something that came with being together with her.
Jesper forced the panic and sadness out of his mind so that it wouldn’t bleed through into his scent. He had gotten good with that kind of thing very early in his career in Ketterdam. Back in Novyi Zem it hadn’t mattered what his gender was or if other people could tell what he was feeling from his scent. He had very quickly ended up in the darkest parts of Ketterdam when he had moved to try and go to university, which resulted in him learning the importance of why that kind of information was to be kept to himself. He was able to do it around strangers without even thinking about it, but his mates spent so much time around him that they were able to tell unless he focused on hiding it.
"Hey, ba-sweetheart," he replied. Saying his favorite nickname for her felt like it was revealing too much about the tender place that he was in, so he switched mid sentence and prayed that no one had noticed. He wanted very badly to lean down and kiss her lips, but they were in public and that would result in the both of them getting a stern talking to from Kaz. They had dealt with the Dime Lions and the merchant council years ago, but every gang and villain in Kerch was always looking for a way to take down the murder of Crows at the heart of the Dregs, so it just wasn't safe for them to even insinuate the love that they had for each other outside of the safety of their rooms.
“Where were you? You were gone for breakfast,” Nina pouted. She reached out and brushed her fingers over the side of his coat. It was the linen coat-robe hybrid that Kaz had gotten him for a courting gift all those years ago, worn only because it would help to hide the spreading of his hips while they tried to accommodate the growing baby in his womb.
“Oh, you know,” Jesper sighed forlornly. Lying to his partners the way that he was made him feel disgusting from the inside out. He didn’t like lying to anyone unless he knew that it was going to do something important like save a life, which this technically was. He knew that his partners wouldn’t force him to do anything with his body that he didn’t want to after what Inej had been forced to go through, but it would still completely wreck him to be forced from their mate-pack.
He resisted the urge to bury his nose into her hair. She smelled like spun sugar and maple syrup, heady and rich in a way that made his sour stomach rumble like he could actually manage to hold something down. He let out another sigh and tilted his head back and forth, relieved that his hair had grown back enough to keep his hat securely on his head. “I was just out and about, running errands.”
“Getting into mischief?” she asked, tilting her head to the side cutely.
“No, but I will be if you keep looking at me like that,” he replied as he darted his eyes out towards the few patrons that were occupying their space at that time of day.
She gave him a cute pout but released his jacket lapels nonetheless. She returned to her conversation with Matthias as the two of her mates exchanged a sweet smile with each other. Jesper was free to escape after that since they had been properly sated. He felt bad enough about not telling them that he was pregnant or what he had really been doing, but he felt worse when he remembered what he was about to do.
His feet moved quietly up the stairs, avoiding the couple of creaky steps with ease. Inej would have done it far better, to the point where no one would have been able to even tell that she was in the building let alone where she was inside of it, but Jesper was trying his best. They had chosen to live on the upper floors of their club when they were running it themselves because the Van Eck estate still held too many feelings for Wylan and the Slat was too crowded for any of them to feel comfortable actually being a mated pack where anyone could walk in on them. They each had their own small rooms where they could go when they wanted to be alone, which was often for a couple of them.
Wylan’s room also served as his laboratory, with a cot in the corner for extra naps and passing out when he worked late nights and didn’t want to shower off to go find his partners. Nina had a cozy little closet space that was just big enough for her mattress and all of the linens she had stolen from them. Matthias had a space out in what used to be an upper level sun patio since he loved being as close to nature as he could get in the city. Inej had a space up in the attic, carved out of the space that Kaz used as well. Kaz also had a bed down in his office for when he felt too painful to walk up the stairs to get to their shared room. Jesper’s room was more of a glorified closet and workstation, right next to Wylan’s workshop.
He was headed there now so that he could do what he needed. He had no windows, which had preserved the color and vibrancy of all of the garments he had collected from his mates over the last half a decade. Each garment was sculpted to his body in a way that highlighted a part of his form that he knew each of his partners liked best. Matthias leaned towards things that made him look even taller than he already was, pleased as punch that he had snagged an omega that was the opposite of what he had been told to get his entire life. Nina liked to get things that matched her own gowns and made him look softer around the edges. Kaz got him things that he thought Jesper would like, but they also tended to have plunging necklines. Inej got him things that would keep him warm and comfortable. Wylan got him things that highlighted his ass and more skirts that he would probably ever be able to wear.
His heart ached in his chest as he realized that it was unlikely any of those things would ever find their way back onto his body. They would stop fitting very soon and then his body would never return back to what it was before. He was also unlikely to be able to take them all with him.
Jesper sucked in a tight breath as he remembered what he had come into his room for. He turned around and closed his door before he slid the lock and deadbolt into place where they belonged. Kaz would be able to pick the lock open with little to no problem, but the deadbolt would be difficult for all of them. Each of their bedrooms had a deadbolt to keep both Kaz and other lockpicks from rival gangs from jumping any of them while they were sleeping.
“Let’s get this started, then,” he breathed. He noticed, to himself since he was alone in the heavy air of his room, that his Zemini accent was already beginning to get stronger. When he actually spoke Zemini, his mother had always teased him that he had a Kaelish accent. Both of them tended to slip away when he was speaking Kerch, unless he was upset or excited. The Zemini accent always won out when he was upset, the Kaelish more likely to come when he was excited.
Jesper lit one of the oil lanterns towards the back of the narrow room. The space was just large enough that when it was empty, he was able to stand in the center with his arms stretched out and the tips of his fingers would just barely brush against the walls. The space made up for it by being able to fit two of him lengthwise, though. He had the racks containing his clothing on one side of the room and then a long, low desk with all of the things that he had been using to try and train his zowa abilities after his talk with the Nina after they had just mated. His bed was a mattress on top of milk crates in the corner with a plethora of blankets wadded up on top of it. He rarely ever slept in his own space, which was probably why his mates hadn’t insisted that he make it nicer.
Today his room was not the sanctuary that it had been when he was having his episodes, or when he was baring his soul by using the very gift that had caused the downfall of his mother. Today his room was a cage that was sealing his fate, that was condemning him to the death of a thousand paper cuts and scent sickness.
Slowly, he reached for the go-bag that he kept tucked in the back corner of his bed. He removed the clothes that he had in it, which was three outfits that would be easy to move around in and more ammo that one human could possible use. He packed things that he knew he would need during his trip. The stash of kruge that he had managed to put away before he knew that he was really secure in his relationship went in first, tucked between a simple white linen shirt and a gaudy green and yellow striped button up. One of the looser skirts and set of trousers along with a belt to keep them up while he was still svelte. He also tucked away a small scented item from each of his partners to try and stave off the sickness for as long as he could.
They were scraps of old shirts, Matthias and Wylan, and handkerchiefs, everyone else, so they weren’t going to be the best if he really wanted to last longer than a direct trip to Novyi Zem, but it was the best that he could do. He wanted to be able to bring his actual mates with him, to have them close to his person at all times so that he didn’t have to go through the painful and scary process that he was about to embark upon entirely on his own.
The last thing that he did was get a piece of paper and his favorite fountain pen. He had probably taken it apart and put it back together, both with and without the use of his zowa abilities, a thousand times since he had taken it from Per Haskell’s office. He had been fascinated by the mechanisms in devices like that since he was tiny and it was the only indulgence that he allowed himself in his new life.
The letters glided over the page and sunk into the material as his brain came up with them. They were a little messy because tears were already beginning to blur his vision, but they were clear enough that any one of his partners could read them except for Wylan. He didn’t leave anything specific, like what his plans were or what he was planning to do since he didn’t want his pack or any one else finding it and following after him.
It was still early morning at that point, so the club was going to be relatively empty. He set the note down on his bed after folding up all of the blankets and stacking them on top of the feather down pillow he always dragged to and from whoever’s bed he was sharing that night. His bag dug into his shoulders as he situated it properly on his back, weighed down not only by the items that he had tucked inside but the guilt of what he was doing.
He knew that no one was going to be on the living floor of their home unless they were squirreled away in their actual locked room, so it was the best time for him to do what he had to do. He was checking over the information that he had collected for Kaz during his mini-mission the week before their estrus. Information like that sometimes stuck tried and true in his brain, but sometimes it slipped away and got warped. He had to hope that this was one of the times that he remembered it correctly even after so much had happened, he had a lot more riding on it than he usually did.
Jesper reached the ground floor and tried to poke his head out of the door that led up to their private quarters without looking at all suspicious. He knew that it was going to be the biggest hurdle to get past the straggling patrons they had and possibly Nina and Matthias if they were still staked out there. Luck seemed to be favoring him a little bit even if it had just been remarkably cruel to him, as they had already left.
The tables and main floor were blissfully empty of anyone that would recognize him and try to stop him, so he situated his bag onto his shoulders and then headed for the exit. No one tried to grab at him, to get his attention, or asked him what he was doing with a loaded bag and a guilty conscience.
The step that he took over the edge of the threshold felt like it had when he had walked out of his father’s house for what was going to be the last time under the facade of an education. This one felt just as final and just as much like he was running away from something that could have protected and helped him. But just as he had the time before, he knew that it wouldn’t and that this was really the only option that would save him all the hurt and anguish he would no doubt otherwise face.
His heart ached in his chest so much that he thought it might cave in on itself, forcing the emotion up through his eyes so that they were swelling with tears again. Jesper forced himself to ignore it and shoved down the emotions until that all that was left was cold, hard resolution to do what would protect him and his unborn child.
---
Kaz had been working all day and he felt like it. Despite Per Haskell being gone for a very long time, he still kept paper logs. He didn’t have the sheets upon sheets of calculations that others had to have since he could do all of that in his mind, but it was good to have something to point to when he was trying to persuade someone in one way or another. He had been sitting in his chair with his favorite pen grasped in his hand as he filled out tidy black and red lines in the ledger until the sun had begun to set. His joints creaked when he stood up, letting him know just how much they hated being all tensed up the way he had been when he was thinking.
Inej’s ship was going to be docking later that night or the next day, it wasn’t always directly on time. The thought of having his pack where they belonged, all huddled away in their group bed and maybe even in a nest, made his heart sing in his chest in a way that only revenge used to.
Kaz grasped his cane in his hand as he pushed himself up into a standing position. Putting weight on the leg that was already so upset with him almost made his vision white out, but he pushed it back with the focus on his partners. They grounded him and made him feel more whole and human, gave him the strength that he needed to keep going.
His long fingers wrapped around the head of his cane as he used it to support his bodyweight and then removed himself from his office. He had an office space upstairs in the attic, just as he had back when they lived in the Slat, but the one on the lower floor was better for actual business meetings now that he was the boss.
Kaz walked out and surveyed the crowd of people that they had managed to drag in that night. It was a good sort, lots of rich pockets and even more gems that could be snagged from drunk patrons. Anika and Dirix were working the door and the floor that night so he didn’t have to worry about anything big enough to really be noticed being stolen from their patrons. Knowing that his club was in good hands for the time being, Kaz slipped back into the door that no one ever dared even touched and up the stairs to the shared common room.
Wylan had already returned back from his daily adventure with the Merchant Council. Matthias and Nina had come back some time that afternoon, so they were stretched sleepily out on the couch together. Inej was off on her ship, which meant that the only person currently missing was Jesper.
“Hello love,” Wylan beamed when he noticed that his partner was standing in the doorway, watching them as they decompressed around each other.
“When did you get back?” he asked, clearing his throat to try and rid it of some of the rasp. He was never going to get all of it out, but it sometimes dimmed when he talked for longer than a couple of seconds. It got worse if he had been talking for too long, like when Alina had come to visit them a couple of years ago with her husband.
The omega glanced towards the clock as he placed whatever he had been working on down on the table. It seemed to be the new compound that Matthias had been talking to him about the night before when they had both woken up from nightmares. Kaz had laid on the other side of the bed with a pillow blockade between him and the rest of his partners, triggered from events earlier in the day, and listened to them until they had soothed him into a proper sleep.
“I think about an hour? I came back and then kept working so my brain is a little fried,” he laughed. He looked a little sheepish as he leaned back against the couch and refused to meet the pack leader’s eyes.
It was common for alphas to be the pack leaders in places like Fjerda, but there were differences in Kerch. While indentures were very common and owned by almost every wealthy man to ever disgrace the streets, omegas and betas were both respected much the same way that they were in Ravka and Novyi Zem. Kaz just so happened to be the most powerful out of everyone in their pack and had taken the role of pack alpha when they had reached that stage in their relationship, long before they had even considered mating each other. Inej was often considered to be his second, the one that could take over the pack if something happened to him, but Jesper assumed that role when she was off on her trips.
When his mind rotated back to the other omega in his pack, he asked, “Where is Jesper?”
“I thought that he was going to be spending the day with you,” Matthias said when he heard what they were talking about. He looked down at Nina, rubbing his hand over the crest of her hip while she purred sleepily against his shoulder.
“We saw him today around ten but he went upstairs and didn’t tell us what his plans were going to be for the day,” Nina stretched and looped her arms sleepily around Matthias’ shoulders. The two of them had been having a rather lazy day, that much Kaz knew for certain, which would explain why his beta mate was already so tired despite the early hour of the evening.
Matthias nudged her off so that she was sitting against the couch and no longer on him. When she whined and tried to tug him back down by the twin ties connecting to the neck of his shirt he just chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose. “You and I both know that neither Kaz nor Wylan have eaten anything since breakfast this morning. Inej will have my head if I do not go and make something for them.”
“I’ll come with you!” Nina chirped, suddenly far more awake than she had been a second ago. Kaz watched them tangle their hands together as they walked through the main common space into the little kitchen that they had for their meals. They didn’t have a formal table to eat at because it reminded Wylan too much of the dinners he had endured with his father and Nina too much of the Little Palace, but they did have to have somewhere to prepare their food.
The alpha limped over to the couch that Nina and Matthias had been occupying and lowered his aching body down onto it. He was still having a bad day, but the company of his partners hadn’t triggered him since before they had broken Matthias out of prison all those years ago. Wylan turned to him and gave him that soft smile that made the blue in his eyes twinkle like when the clouds broke after a snow storm. “I can go look for Jesper if you’d like,” he offered.
“That would be appreciated, thank you,” Kaz replied immediately. He found that his bad days were actually eased with the presence of his entire pack near him. That wasn’t always possible since Inej and Kuwei both had their own trips that they liked to make around the world, doing whatever it was that they did on their boats, but having as many of them in the same room as him as possible would ease the panic beating up in his throat. It had been so much easier for him to ignore it when he was doing paperwork and drowning out his thoughts with numbers. Now that those solutions were no longer able to offer him the respite he craved, he needed to know that the people he cared for were safe.
Wylan pushed himself off of the ground after tidying up whatever experiment he had been doing on the coffee table. He gave a small, chirping purr to let Kaz know that if the alpha was in a state where he could be touched that he would be receiving a kiss or other affection of some sort. It was one of Kaz’s favorite noises to hear and one that he often dragged out of the omega when they were rotating around their estrus.
He leaned his head back against the couch and let his eyes slip closed as he listened to the sound of creaking boards and banging pots. He could tell where Wylan was in their house based on the sound of his footsteps and how far away they were. Nina and Matthias were getting nowhere on dinner, but that was to be expected because they couldn’t really function around each other. Dinner was going to be coming late, but he knew where they were and that they were happy so he didn’t really care.
About ten minutes later, Wylan returned with a piece of paper clasped in his hands. “Hey Kaz, would you read this for me? I found it in Jesper’s room and I think it might explain what he was up to today,” the omega said as he handed it over. He tucked himself on the other side of the couch, his talented hands toying with the callouses that had begun to form on the tips of soft mercher fingers.
Kaz accepted the note and inhaled deeply so that he could tell what Wylan was feeling. It was impossible for even a mate-pack to be able to have the mythical feeling-sensing abilities that they detailed in the stories of Saints in Ravka, but it was common for mates to be able to tell more about their partner after they had officially mated through their scents. Wylan smelled like campfire smoke and stacked firewood, but it turned a bit sour like burning grass when he was feeling distressed.
“I’m sure that everything’s alright. He probably just got distracted with one of his friends,” Kaz soothed. It had become almost second nature to try and calm his mates down when they were in the beginning of their relationships and all still struggling with their own issues. They were doing a lot better now, but the tendency had persisted.
He looked back down at the note and then began to read, “My dear mates, I don’t want you to worry about me even though I know that you will for a while. I’ve decided that I have to leave, it’s best for the pack. No one is threatening me or forcing me to do this, I’ve done it myself. I don’t want you to come after me or even look for me at all. Please just pretend that…”
The second that he had begun to speak the words out loud, he had felt the icy water lapping at his feet. By the time that he realized what the note was implying, the tide had reached all the way up his hips and then over his head to consume him entirely. He felt like he was drowning all over again, like the life that he had worked so hard to build for himself, brick by brick, was suddenly pulled out from under his feet. Things were crumbling around him and there was nothing that he could do to stop it.
Wylan had shifted on the couch so that he was sitting forward a bit more and staring at the note in his hands. He wouldn’t be able to read it at all, even if Inej had helped him be able to recognize certain words for the meetings where he couldn’t bring one of them to help him with paperwork. Kaz knew that he was checking to make sure that it was actually Jesper’s handwriting and wasn’t written by someone else or in a different style than he normally did to try and tell them something in secret.
“Nina! Matthias!” he shouted, loud enough that they likely heard it down in the bar below. He scrambled off the couch without touching his alpha and then met them halfway to the kitchen.
“Wylan? What’s going on?” Nina immediately wrapped her arms around him in the kind of hug she knew that he needed. It was her special talent within their mate-pack, to be able to cater to each of their needs without them even having to tell her explicitly.
“Jesper’s gone!” he sobbed.
Kaz grasped the hand of his cane so tightly that the leather of his gloves creaked with the force. He shot up off of the couch and a burst of white hot pain chased away the remaining dripping cold that had been clinging to his skin. “No, he’s not. Not for long.”
He couldn’t get anything else out as he stalked down to his office to brood and plot about how he could get his omega back. He didn’t know what had come over the zowa that had made him think that it would be a good idea to leave their home and the safety of their mate-pack for whatever was lurking out there for him, but the fact that he had thought to at all was already foreboding. Kaz wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to the people that he loved ever again.
---
Inej’s boat docked in the harbor late that very same evening. She was oblivious to the turmoil that was happening in her home as she made sure that her crew and vessel was secure before making her way through the damp streets of her home city. She had once resented and hated the place that she had been sold to, but she had also met the people that she adored most in the entire world there so the resentment could only last for so long.
She didn’t bother to go in the front door since she was too tired to deal with questions from the other Dregs that Kaz would have working tonight. Instead, she went around the back of the building and scaled the slick walls up to the window that lead directly into her room. The window was still locked to an outsider that wasn’t her, but she was able to push and tug on the latch in just the right way to get in.
A small smile graced her face when she noticed that Nina had actually managed to keep up with her promise of cleaning the room for her mate. They were both betas in the group, which had led to them being closer even after they had mated their respective alphas before the mate-pack had formed. It was likely that the aforementioned alpha, Matthias, had helped her with the cleaning instead of Nina doing it on her own. Inej didn’t really care who had done it, she was just grateful to have a space that wasn’t rocking and didn’t smell of the ocean.
Stepping into her home was nothing like she had expected it to be. Instead of being met with the warm smell and arms of her mates, she was hit with a wave of bitter distress and something specifically feeling absent. She wondered if she had picked up on a little bit of the Saint’s fairytale mate-pack magic and gotten Matthias’ ability to sense when something was wrong. Kaz would tease her for being superstitious, she knew.
The beta carefully stepped down into her home after the rest of her body fit neatly through the window. She assessed her room first, remembering exactly where everything had been to tell if they had moved in the slightest. Her room was up in the attic because it was hardest to get to and in the same space as Kaz’s office. She liked to be close to him even when they both needed their own space so that if he ever had a need for her, then she would be within reaching distance of him.
She trailed her hand over the edge of her bed to examine the blankets. Nina had clearly laundered the sheets at least once in the month Inej had been gone. Her books were still tidily piled on the small shelf above her bed, along with the knife cleaning and sharpening kit that Kaz had gotten her as a mating gift years ago. She had another one that she brought with her on her trips because she loved that one enough that she didn’t want it to get damaged or lost in her constant transit. The rug underneath her bed and pressing against the door to keep out the last of the draft hadn’t even been moved.
Everything in her room was exactly as it should have been, so she stepped out into the room that Kaz used as his office. Just as it had been in her room, everything was as it should have been. There was a large stack of papers on the desk from what Kaz had been working on when he wasn’t taking meetings. It was usually plans for heists and jobs that were less than legal, keeping all of the official paperwork down in the main office on the ground floor.
Inej’s unease grew the longer that she was unable to put her finger on what was wong about her home.
She slipped up onto the banister of the stairwell that led down to the rest of the bedrooms and slipped down it with practiced ease. The ones in the Slat had been smoother, less close to the wall, but Kaz had made sure everything in their home could put up with a lot of usage so that she wouldn’t be hurt if something broke. She knew that it was an act of love of the highest order to have Kaz Brekker actually take care of her, so she had never complained about the lack of space to him.
She arrived at the bottom of the steps without a sound, as she had planned. There were barely any noises coming from that floor, which only served to make her more concerned about what was happening. The communal floor and kitchen were a floor lower, so she repeated the process while following the smell and sound of her pack.
They were all gathered in their makeshift living room despite the late hour. She would have thought that it might have been a bad night if it was storming since Matthias and Nina still got triggered at times, but the sky was for once very dry. Wylan was sitting with his legs pulled up towards his chest, his arms wrapped so tightly around them that his pelvis had to be aching with the effort. Matthias was pacing around in the background, his face wrinkled with worry unlike she had seen since the Ice Court heist that had brought him to their little pack. Nina was perched on her favorite chair but her back was rigid and she was chewing on the side of her finger, looking every bit the talented soldier in a war meeting that she had been primed to be before she had been captured. Kaz was sitting on the other side of the couch from Wylan. He had his cane grasped in his gloved hands and was staring at something on the coffee table that she couldn’t make out.
“Inej, something has happened,” he said, before anyone else had noticed that she was around. She wasn’t sure why he was the only person that was ever able to see through all of the spider tactics that she had picked up during her life, but she didn’t mind it now that they were mated.
Upon hearing the other alpha say that, Matthias immediately stopped pacing and tried to follow Kaz’s gaze but wasn’t able to make her out in the darkness of the hallway. Wylan let out a small sob and buried his face into his knees, which made Inej’s heart throb in her chest. Nina let out a low breath and half slumped against her chair, brown curls falling over her pretty eyes. The beta then stepped into the light so that the rest of her partners could see that she was there. “What happened?” she asked as she made her way over to see what was laid out in front of Kaz on the table. She picked it up and then immediately registered Jesper’s messy Kerch scrawl over the yellowed page.
Her brain was going a million miles a minute when she processed that the other omega was missing, only one of them was surrounded by the protective nest of their home, and Kaz had said that something was wrong. The note only served to make her more concerned. “When do we leave?”
---
After a little over a week at sea, Jesper finally touched down on the land that he had grown up on. He hadn’t spent a lot of time in Shriftport when he wasn’t accompanying his parents because neither of them had wanted to stay home with him. That combined with the fact that it had changed during the time that he had been gone made it a little hard for him to find his way through the busy streets. He was able to figure it out fairly quickly after remembering that Novyi Zem wasn’t Ketterdam and the people around him weren’t going to pick his pockets on principle of annoying them alone.
He got instructions about how to get to the frontier and then headed on his way. The journey was far more difficult than he had anticipated it being. He was already beginning to become scent sick for Inej since he had seen her the furthest away out of all his partners, which made him feel achy and even more lethargic. The pregnancy was continuing to make him nauseous, which he had been able to pass of as sea sickness to the people that didn’t know him on the boat. He had made sure not to bring enough money to tempt him into gambling since he couldn’t risk falling back into that habit, but it also meant that he was unable to purchase a horse.
Jesper had been feeling kind of nervous about the idea of doing that anyway because he had heard some horror stories when he was very young about omegas miscarrying after going horseback riding early in their pregnancy. He didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t, he hadn’t been around enough midwives in the village near his frontier home after his mother died to get reliable information instead of just gossip.
He did manage to make it all the way to the jurda fields that his father had been running for as long as he could remember. The bright orange plants were shining underneath the spring sun as they got ready to bloom in late summer. They were still mostly green but the edges of the leaves were beginning to yellow and the buds were bountiful enough that it decorated the entire field with the color. In the middle of the one closest to the fence that led to the road was the man that Jesper had come looking for.
He paused for a moment, pressing his hand onto one of the steady posts. He remembered when they were as tall as him, and then again when he had walked after his father while slowly leading their old plough horse as he dragged replacements after a late-winter squall that had taken down half their fence. He should have known that coming back to the place where he had lived for so long was going to bring back memories from the aforementioned growing up, but it was still surprising to him.
“Da!” he shouted to get the attention of the other man. He sat his bag down against the edge of the fence to come and get later, relishing in the relief that it brought his shoulders to no longer having it hanging off of him.
Colm stood up and turned towards the person that had called to him. His red hair was stark against the yellow, brown, and orange of the plants he was surrounded by. He was wearing a checkered black and red shirt with a pair of linen slacks so that he didn’t get overheated underneath the Zemini sun. His hands were already caked with dirt already from weeding and handling the plants, but as soon as he saw who had spoken to him he grabbed a handkerchief out of his pocket to wipe them off. “Jes?” he called, his voice carrying far over the open fields.
Jesper clambered over the fence with his long legs easily helping him over. His hips ached as his pelvis was already beginning to shift so that it could accommodate his growing pup, but he was overwhelmed with the urge to get to his father for the comfort he needed. “Da!”
As soon as they were close enough to reach each other, Colm immediately wrapped his arms around his son and brought him into a tight hug. It was protective and adoring in the way that it always had been when he was little, exactly what he had been asking for. The omega wrapped his own lanky arms around his beta father and nuzzled his head into the crook of his neck like he was a toddler.
As soon as the hug broke apart, Colm looked over his son with a concerned expression. He continued to wipe his hands off just to have something to do with his hands. He asked, “Jesper, what are you doing here?”
“Da, I fucked up, I really fucked up,” he shook his head. He had managed to keep from crying the entire time that he was traveling to get back to his father’s farm. He had even managed it when his father’s arms were wrapped around him and he felt safe and grounded for the first time since he had stepped foot in that apothecary. Being asked why he had come felt like it was all finally tumbling down on him at once and he couldn’t stop the tears now that they had started.
Colm let out a small sigh, the same way that he had when he found out that Jesper had accidentally stolen the neighboring farm’s new barn cat. He took the omega’s hand and gently led him back to their home like he was every bit the lost child he felt.
Jesper let himself be moved through the door and then settled down into the living room. He sat quietly as he tried to control his sobbing while his father got a glass of water for the both of them. Finally, Colm settled down on the other side of the living room table and waited for his son to calm down enough that he could explain what was going on. “Jes, what happened?” he finally prompted when he decided that the omega had calmed enough.
“I’m pregnant, Da,” he whispered in reply. He was wringing his long fingers around the lip of his glass to try and soothe the nerves that were terrorizing their way through his stomach. He reached one of his hands up to his neck so that they were grazing over the silvering, once-red marks that his mates had left on him years ago. He knew that his Da had seen them the last time that he had visited Ketterdam, but Jesper wasn’t quite sure that he had understood what it really meant since neither of them had decided to talk about it at the time.
“Did they hurt you?” Colm asked, his eyes serious and heavy as they looked over his son for any sign of injury other than the scent sickness and pregnancy exhausting his bones.
Jesper scoffed and shook his head. “No, they could never hurt me,” he answered. It was true, none of his mates would hurt him now that they were all pushing each other to heal and better themselves. Kaz had sent those people after him to join the gang when he was still pretending to go to University, but had never hurt him since. Matthias was so delicate with all of them that it was almost annoying. Inej and Nina were the same tender hands and even softer hearts when it came to matters of their mate-pack. Wylan wasn’t capable of hurting anyone that he could see and even then he still cried about the people that his explosives had taken the life of. “On the contrary, they’re probably furious that I’m gone.”
“Then why did you leave?” Colm asked, confusion spreading over his freckled features. Wylan was more Kerch than Kaelish now, but Jesper felt homesick when he thought about the freckles that dusted his skin during the summer months when they actually got some sun.
He thought about the answer that he wanted to give for a while before he finally let it pass his lips. “I… there’s a lot going on with them already and… I didn’t want to have an abortion. I want my pup but I don’t think it’s fair for me to push that on any of them.” It was a half truth, leaving out the danger of the life that they led in the Barrel and the trauma that they all possessed surrounding children.
Colm reached out and took Jesper’s hand before the omega realized that he had accidentally warped the glass to bend slightly over. He set it down on the table and then shuffled slightly. “Da, I need somewhere to stay until the baby comes at least. I know that you might not want me here since I’m not what you expected for a son and… I’m zowa, but I can’t start a whole new life while waiting for the scent sickness to go away and the baby on the way. I only have five more months, not even half a year.”
“Jes, Jes, calm down,” he laughed. It was a robust noise that had once filled the house to the brim, but all laughter and smiles had decreased tenfold after Jesper’s mother died. He had been missing her more than he had expected, not only because he was about to become a mother himself, but because he wanted her expertise on what was going to happen to him. Everyone he had seen go through a pregnancy when he visited town and the other homesteads on the frontier had their mother or grandmother beside them to help them, and yet he had no one.
Colm sighed and stood up so that he could run one of his calloused hands over the top of his son’s head. It was a motion that had been done a lot when Jesper was still waist height and it immediately soothed the second wave of tears threatening to make their way out of his throat. “I never really wanted you to leave, Jes. I wanted you to be safe and happy, I thought that was what would happen in Ketterdam, even if you didn’t end up going to university like I thought that you would. You can come back here and stay for as long as you’d like. I’m guessing that you’re going to need some help taking care of this little one anyway.”
A small laugh was forced from the omega’s mouth. He knew that going to his father was the best option for the situation that he was in, but he had still been stressed that his streak of bad luck would continue and he’d be turned away. He nuzzled against the beta’s side so he could get more of the comfort he had when he was a child, which Colm was happy to supply. “I’m gonna need all the help I can get, Da,” Jesper said wetly.
---
Nina chewed on the inside of her lip as she looked at the quickly approaching city. She had visited Novyi Zem to assist them in the recruitment for the Second Army back when the Black General was still alive, but she hadn’t been back since. She didn’t think that they were going to recognize her since she had been closer to Weddle than Shriftport, but the nerves were still eating her alive.
She knew that part of that was from being on a boat again. She and Matthias had done a lot of work to recover from the trauma that the shipwreck and following weeks had done to them but it was never going to be gone. That combined with the scent sickness that they were already starting to get from Jesper being gone made the experience very unpleasant. She was also so worried for him that her stomach felt as though it was tied in an impossible knot. She had even lost a good deal of her appetite.
They had waited for a week to get the best, fastest boats that they could and give Inej’s crew a chance to get the rest they needed before they set off. They had also been scouring every place in the Barrel and most of Ketterdam that they could think Jesper would go to. Matthias had been hesitant to go after him in the beginning because he was so sure that when he was told he wasn’t wanted, he wholeheartedly believed it instead of knowing that something was wrong. Kaz had quickly talked sense into him, but had decided that he and Nina were going to go to Novyi Zem together so that they could keep the other out of trouble.
Even thinking about her mate made her turn her head so that she could see what he had gotten up to. Matthias had been agitated from the moment that they got on the boat, he didn’t like being confined the way that they were when his instincts were going haywire over their mate.
If it had been under different circumstances, like Inej going on a longer voyage than normal, then Nina would have felt a little differently about watching him go through the stages of scent sickness. She herself was a beta, so she felt a little bit of fatigue and some achiness on her skin and neck. She knew that Wylan always got needier when he was feeling scent sick, and once they had been separated for so long that he had actually gone into a faux heat to try and get his mates to stick around. She wondered if Jesper was going through something like that now for Inej, wherever he was.
The boat eventually docked and they were able to secure two horses with the money that Kaz had given them. Even though they had been sailing all day and the late summer sun was beginning to sink low over the clouds, they started on the journey out to the Fahey farm. They wanted to know where their mate was more than they wanted to rest, and talking with his father was going to give them a good lead.
They traveled for as long as their horses would push through and then camped out on the side of the road. The fields were full of tall, paling grass with smaller farms growing jurda and vegetables stretched out in the distance. It was warm enough even at night that they didn’t have to cuddle together for warmth underneath the woolen blankets that they had packed like they did when they first met. Nina still eagerly leaned into Matthias’ side so that she could derive the comfort that she so desperately needed from her mate. He seemed more than happy to oblige her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her neck. Her spun sugar scent and his deep oak soothed the other respectively.
They rose with the sun that morning and pushed the rest of the way to the frontier. Nina’s heart was thrumming up in her ears and she kept a careful eye on Matthias. He seemed to be getting twitchier the closer that they got to the Fahey farm, even growling when she suggested stopping so that they could ask another one of the farmsteads around if they were traveling in the right direction.
The jurda plants were in full bright bloom by the time that they finally got to their destination. The leaves had curled, yellowed by the sun and hidden from view by the blossoming orange flowers on top. They stood at about waist level and turned towards the sun, hiding the rich brown dirt that they were growing in. Nina could see a two story farm house in the distance with a neatly trimmed cherry blossom tree growing on a hill nearby. The thing that really got her attention was the very familiar crane-like frame of her mate standing in the field.
The man had the same paler-Zemini colored skin with short hair hidden by one of the traditional farm wrappings. He must have just been using it to keep his hair out of the way and clean while he worked because he was still dressed in the clothes that he favored in Ketterdam. It was a pair of loose linen slacks good for the hottest summer months with a baggy green and yellow shirt. His limbs were still gangly and awkward as he squatted low next to one of the jurda plants to secure a blossom hidden within the yellowed leaves.
Her breath was stolen from her lungs when the man stood and she saw the familiar curves and juts of his face. She knew that she had missed him desperately, but she hadn’t really let herself feel it until she was looking directly at him. Her eyes trailed over his form as if trying to make sure that he was real, but then they paused when she got to his stomach. It almost looked as though it were a trick of the light, a shadow cast by the basket he had propped up against one hip, something else to explain why the front of his shirt was pulled taut in a way that felt impossible for him.
Jesper Fahey had always been boney and awkward, no matter how much they forced into his body to try and get him to put a bit more weight on. He had the farmboy muscle over his bones but not much else, which left him often cold when it rained. The only reasonable explanation for why his clothing was fitting him the way that it was stuck to the forefront of her mind and made her feel like she was stuck on her horse.
Her mate, evidently, was not. Matthias jumped off of his horse and then vaulted over the fence before Nina’s mind had even calmed down enough to process that her previously missing mate was standing in front of her.
Jesper dropped the basket full of jurda blossoms and reached his arms out for the alpha despite the fact that he had been the one to leave them. Nina knew that it was because of the scent sickness or whatever had caused him to leave in the first place. She refused to believe what her mind was telling her as she dismounted from her own horse. She took both of the steeds’ reigns and tied them to once fencepost each so that they wouldn’t run away. She then hauled herself over the wire like Matthias had done so that she could meet them.
She had come to her senses and finished her work quickly enough that the duo hadn’t even separated from each other. Matthias had his nose buried against Jesper’s scent gland, growling low in his chest in a way that would warn off anyone that wasn’t in his mate-pack. When he opened his eyes to look at Nina, she saw that his pupils were swollen with the endorphins that were rushing through his system. Jesper was clinging to Matthias like his legs were threatening to give up and hiccuping slightly.
“Jes,” Nina whispered as she placed her hand on his arm. That made the omega break away from their alpha so that he could turn towards her. He reached out and brought her close to him so that their bodies were pressed against each other again. She felt the angst inside of her body finally settle out into placid comfort when his orange and lemon scent filled her nose. She was so content to have the missing omega back in her arms that she almost forgot about the hard mound of his stomach pressed against her.
They pulled out from the hug so that the three of them were standing in a field full of hip-height jurda with a basket of wilting blossoms next to them. “H-how did you guys find me?” Jesper asked.
He slowly knelt to the ground, as if scared that despite how happy they were to see him they would suddenly lash out and start attacking him now. He picked up the basket and righted it in the little space between the rows of flowers. He began to pick up the crop that he had dropped so that he could return it to where it belonged. Nina hadn’t worked on a farm before but she was knowledgeable enough about jurda that she knew it couldn’t just be left out, it had to be handled a specific way if it was going to be usable.
“We’re all looking for you,” Nina replied softly.
Matthias let out a gruff noise in the back of his throat and they both glanced to see what was wrong. He was staring at the house where a man with coppery bright curls had just come out. Jesper finished his work hurriedly and then placed his hand over Matthias’ to calm him down. “That’s just my Da, who I’ve been staying with while…”
“We should go inside and sit down,” Nina immediately said. She had lost her powers to tell if his heart had picked up, but she could read him enough to see ths tress in his shoulders.
Jesper turned from his father and Matthias to her before he looked down at his basket of half finished work. “Let me put this away and then we can really talk, okay?”
The other two shared a look before Nina nodded for them both. Regardless of why he had left or what was really going on, he had to finish his work. They also had to get their horses closer to the house so that they didn’t get stolen. It felt like her body was tearing itself apart as she stepped away from her mate again, but it was a necessary evil. They both finished up their work and met back up at the house. Colm, Jesper’s father, had been standing on the porch while looking between them and the barn where Jesper was preparing the jurda blossoms to dry out.
It felt like another lifetime had passed before the omega finally made his way back over to his mates. He glanced towards his father before he let his eyes fall back onto Nina and Matthias. She noticed that they had the same eye color, and though Jesper had living in a different country and culture for a good long while, the same mannerisms. “Da, we need to go inside and talk about… why I came here,” Jesper said to his father as he gestured towards his partners.
Nina immediately took over before Matthias could growl again, “I’m sorry that we didn’t send ahead, but we were rather worried about Jes.��
Colm glanced towards Jesper with a grim expression before he said, “I understand. You three head inside so that you can talk. You’ve got a lot to discuss.”
“Thank you, Da,” Jesper whispered when the two of them passed.
“I didn’t want you out in the fields today anyway,” Colm chided as he cupped his child’s face. Nina wondered if either of her parents would have done that had they not been killed by the war and the Fold. It was something she always wondered when they encountered other people’s parents or saw children being shepherded around by their guardian.
The thoughts were pushed from her mind as she began to wonder why Colm wouldn’t have wanted Jesper out in the fields, though she still refused to acknowledge the most likely reason. “Sedhi said that I was fine, Da. I can work and help you out while you’re feeding and clothing me,” Jesper objected. Nina knew that if there was one thing Jesper hated more than holding still, it was feeling like he was a burden.
The two separated and Jesper led them up into the house. It was a chipper place with brightly painted plaster walls and a recently redone wooden floor. All of the furniture was sun bleached and worn, but in a way that made it feel like a generational home instead of worn down the way that the Slat did. The house was filled with the smell of drying herbs, rosemary and lavender hanging in little bundles above the window looking out towards the road.
Jesper slowly lowered himself down into a sitting position on the couch, wincing slightly. He already looked a little better than he had when she had first seen him out in the field, likely the effect of them being around him. Matthias stood menacingly by the door, his face contorted with worry and his arms crossed protectively over his chest. They both knew that he was scared and upset, but not angry with either of them.
Nina lowered herself down onto the ground in front of Jesper. She took his hand in her own as she traced over the little white lines that made up the scars on his wrist and hand from a hard farm and gang life. Her bodice dug uncomfortably down into her legs and her skirts were almost unbearably hot around her legs after the long horse ride while the noon heat crept in, but she ignored them both. “What happened, Jesper?” she asked, heart thrumming in her throat.
“I left,” he answered instead of saying what he should have.
“We know, but why? Why did you no longer want us?” Matthias asked. His Kerch was roughed because he was stressed and Nina wished that she could calm him down, but she had to focus all of her attention on their omega.
“I left because you wouldn’t want me anymore, you still don’t,” he shook his head. He let out a wet little laugh as he tried not to cry, “I was being selfish and trying to save myself the pain of being rejected from the pack.”
That made her stomach drop out from under her. She knew that Kaz hadn’t even gotten rid of him when his accidentally too-loose lips had gotten Inej hurt so whatever he had done or whatever trouble he had found had to be serious. Especially since he had mentioned their pack as a whole instead of their mate-pack.
“Jesper, we’re not going to get mad or hurt you. Please just tell us what’s going on,” she pleaded. She hadn’t felt this out of control since she had been locked in that Fjerdan slaving ship and she hated it.
The omega looked up at her, showing off the tears that were shimmering on the very edges of his deep gray eyes. He then glanced towards Matthias and took a shaky breath. Nothing would have prepared her already racing mind for what he was about to say, but instead of startling her it only calmed the racing of her stressed heart. “I’m pregnant.”
Matthias’ eyes went so wide that Nina knew it was painful. The strict lines that had cut across his kind features melted away and his arms hung loosely by his sides as he tried to figure out what to do with that information. When she knew that he wasn’t going to faint or explode, she turned back to the omega.
Her own mind was freaking out at the idea of becoming a parent, but she had been suspecting it since she had seen the distended form of his stomach from the other side of the fence. She shifted so that she was up on her knees with her hand extended to brush against his belly. “Love, we wouldn’t be mad at you for this.”
“You would,” he shook his head in disbelief. “No one in the pack has the time or heart to raise a child, especially since we live in the Barrel. I’m not giving up my pup and I wasn’t going to be able to go through with an abortion. This was the only option that I had. I hate it here, I miss the city, I miss all of you, but this is a safe place for my pup to grow up.”
“A safer place would have been with all of us,” Matthias said when he finally came back to himself. He crossed the space between them and placed his hand on the back of Jesper’s neck to bring them into a kiss. The softness of the gesture melted both of the other mates, settling the anxiety that had risen in the room from the pregnant gunslinger. “I have said it every time that something has happened and I will say it a million times more, but I was made to protect our pack. I will make sure you are safe and warm and that you want for nothing. Kaz and I both will.”
The mentioned of the other alpha in their mate-pack made Jesper’s face crumble and he began to cry again. “I don’t want to talk about him, please.”
Nina and Matthias shared a glance with each other, both of them rather alarmed. They had never been around one of their mates when they were scent sick for anyone other than Inej and once Nina when she had gone back to Ravka to soothe her homesickness. Granted, they had also never been around Jesper when he was pregnant, so neither of them knew if that was a normal response.
“Okay, okay, love,” Nina purred as she brushed her hand over the side of his face. “We still need to talk but we won’t mention the rest of the pack while we do, alright?”
“Alright,” he sniffled. He forced the tears back and away so that he could be coherent again. “My period never came after my heat and I got it confirmed by that doctor that works out of the back of his apothecary, the one that Kaz really likes. I hid it for another month before I knew that I was pushing my luck and came back here. I thought that the note would have made Kaz angry enough that he wouldn’t have come after me or convinced you or Inej that I really didn’t want to come home. I… I know that it was cruel, but I had to think about what was going to help me protect my baby.”
Nina felt her heart ache in her chest as she thought about that. She knew that the topic of children had never been uttered outside of their estrus when the need to breed overwhelmed them on a instinctual level, so she understood why Jesper had been nervous. But she had often woken up in the long nights of winter to thoughts of little feet padding over the polished floors of the upstairs Silver Six apartment. “I’m so sorry that we made you feel like this, Jesper. And that you thought you had to run away from us so that you could keep the pup safe. I can’t speak for Matthias but I know that I want to continue to be your mate and raise our pup with you. I think that the others do too.”
“I know that they do,” Matthias replied. “Inej wants a family, once she is finished with her slaver-hunting business and can trust it to be passed on to someone else. Wylan wants children but is afraid he would give his condition to a pup that he carries. I… I have always wanted children, even before I lost my family.”
“Do you promise?” Jesper asked, slowly shifting so that they could settle down onto the couch around him. Matthias slung one of his big arms behind the other criminal to bring him into the safety of his hold. Nina brought the omega’s hand up to her lips, kissing the bony ridges of his knuckles.
“We promise. We swear to you that we’ll be by your side as you bring our child into the world,” she smiled. She loved the idea of getting to have a little family with her pack, she was honestly kind of surprised that they had managed to go that long without someone getting pregnant in the first place. She shifted slightly as the next big question came to mind. “When are we going back to Ketterdam? I don’t know what state you’re in when it comes to traveling.”
“I should be fine, but I don’t want to go back,” he shook his head. “Not until after the baby is born.”
“Why?” Matthias asked. Given all of the homesickness that the alpha felt for his own home country, Nina was honestly a little surprised that he had said that. Her opinion quickly changed when she remembered what Jesper had said about missing the city. It made more sense for them to return back to Kerch even if they were going to move into the Van Eck mansion so that their pregnant mate and child weren’t above a gambling hall.
“I want to give birth in the same place that my mother did. She and my father had this house finished a month before I came,” he answered, looking a little sheepish. “She… she isn’t here to help me through this and she won’t ever know that she has a grandson, so this is the only way that I can connect to her during this whole thing.”
Nina’s heart felt like an open, bleeding wound in her chest when she heard her mate say that. She knew what it was like to desperately wish for a parent to help guide her through new, terrifying experiences. She didn’t even know what gender her parents were or what they had looked like, so the pain of not being able to connect to his mother had to be even more raw for Jesper. “How about this? We’ll send word to the rest of the pack and have them come meet us here so that they can help you through the pregnancy and birth. Then we can all go home. That way we can also figure out what to do about the Silver Six apartment, alright?”
He only had to consider it for a moment before he was nodding. She knew that while he was scared of what the reaction of their mates would be, he needed them desperately. She was becoming more and more concerned for his health the longer that she looked him over.
He was pale and a little shaky. While his skin had the shine of someone that was expecting, he was a little sallow beneath the front image. She could see the places that he had gotten a little bit more gaunt as the baby began to seep away the food that he managed to keep down. He wasn’t in as bad of shape as she had expected him to be after spending two months away from his mates while pregnant, but it still wasn’t great. “Love, how have you been getting on while you’re here?”
Jesper seemed to be relieved at the switch in the conversation. He shifted so that he was leaning back against Matthias with both of his hands cupping the roundness of his stomach. When he brought the material of his clothing taut over his belly it was even more evident that he was expecting than they had first anticipated. “They have a scent replacer here that works really well for omegas during pregnancy. I couldn’t get it while I was in Ketterdam because Ravka still takes a lot of it after the issues that they had with being at war for four hundred years. I got some when I arrived here and it’s been helping a lot. I only really feel nauseous when I get too hot, too hungry, or too tired. When I miss a dose all I can do is sleep and vomit, it’s awful.”
Matthias let out a concerned noise that was soothed when Jesper let out a soft sigh that sounded very similar to a purr. “Don’t worry too much about me, big guy. The first thing that my Da did after getting me to calm down from the state I had worked myself up into was to take me into town to talk to the midwife. Sedhi remembers my ma and she’s been doing this for almost twenty years, so she can really help me.”
Nina brushed her hand over the side of his face in an adoring gesture. She wished that she could take all of his pain from him, make the pregnancy he obviously desperately wanted one of the best experiences of his life. She couldn’t, all she could do was ease his pain by staying by his side for as long as he needed.
---
Wylan and Kaz had decided that they were going to continue looking for Jesper in Ketterdam. They had been scouring the slave auctions held in the dankest part of the Barrels and keeping their ears open for tell of any Zemini omegas that had ended up in the pleasure houses. It was unlikely that Jesper would have allowed himself to be incapacitated in that way, but not impossible. They wanted to make sure that they had something to cover their bases back in their home city and country while Inej was sailing to Ravka so that she could check in with the Little Palace and Nina and Matthias went to see if Colm had any leads on where his son might be.
While their mates were out and he wasn’t out looking for the other omega, he continued working with the Mercher Council as he had been since he had inherited the business from his father. Kaz was still giving out jobs and maintaining the Dregs’ presence in the Barrel, but the others had begun to notice that some of the Crows had gone missing. No one dared to ask either mate about what had happened to the pack or Jesper, not since Kaz had taken the sharp beak of his cane directly into the leg of the Black Tip that had decided it would be a good idea to jeer at him for it.
The reluctance to bring up what had happened to the sharp shooter and why the other Crows had suddenly disappeared like dandelion fluff on the wind was why Wylan was so surprised when he heard Rotty say, “Letter for you, Van Eck! I think that it’s from those Crows of yours.”
“Thank you,” Wylan said curtly as he took the letter from the other Dreg. Sometimes it still didn’t feel real that he was actually a respected member of the inner circle of a gang, one of the five people that Kaz Brekker trusted with his deepest secrets.
He kept a steady pace through the rest of the Silver Six until he was in the stairwell, when he rushed up to Kaz’s attic room. The two of them slept in either the lab or Kaz’s attic bed, unable to sleep in the pack bedroom because they were missing one of their own. Kaz sequestered himself away in the attic at all times now, not just when he was working on something nefarious.
He slammed the letter down on the alpha’s desk, chest heaving from excitement. “Rotty said that this was something from our mates. What does it say?”
Kaz didn’t even jump at the loud noise that Wylan’s hand made when it slammed down onto the table. He simply wormed the letter away from the omega and flipped it over to look at the front. He sliced it open with a knife from the table, breaking the sealing wax. He dug the letter out from the confines of the envelope and then opened it with his nimble fingers that had been hidden behind the black leather of his specialized gloves ever since Jesper had disappeared. That was the one thing that they had been really struggling with while they were alone for the month it took them all to travel. Wylan needed to be touched to deal with his scent sickness and Kaz couldn��t stand the idea of even brushing up against his partner in the current moment.
Wylan forced back the worry and the panic that was beginning to form a pit in the depths of his stomach as he listened to his alpha read the letter. “Dear Wylan and Kaz, We’ve made it safely to our destination with only a small scuffle on the boat involving our brooding Fjerdan tripping over a rope. We managed to find the package that you asked us to locate. It was hidden in a field of jurda nearing the Southern Colonies. We’ve moved it to a safe location and are waiting for you to come and join us so that we can decide to do with what we found inside. Make a decision soon, Nina.”
Wylan knew that the letter was written half in code, but Nina had never been very good at that. It would have been better if she had written it in Shu or Zemini, a language that neither of them spoke and not even Kaz would be able to read. Kaz seemed to know enough what it meant as he set the letter down on his desk and began to speak his own words, “Matthias and Nina made it safely to Colm’s farm.”
“Yeah, that was about the only bit of the letter that I was able to decipher,” Wylan’s mouth twisted down in a frown. Maybe he and his partners should come up with some kind of math-based algorithm that would help him know what they were saying when they had to correspond through letters.
“It sounds like they found Jesper, he had gone home to Novyi Zem just as Nina suspected. As soon as Inej gets back from Ravka all of us can make the journey to meet with him,” he said it as if it was another part of the business with the Dregs instead of a great revelation that they had found their missing mate.
Hearing the confirmation of what he had been so desperately hoping made Wylan sink down into the chair on the other side of Kaz’s desk. His heart was fluttering in his chest as emotions swelled up through his stomach, threatening to push it out of him entirely. He placed one of his hands over his mouth and tried desperately not to cry as he grasped the idea that his mate was really okay. Once he had dealt with the first overwhelming onslaught, he sniffled and asked, “Why can’t they just bring him home?”
“Nina was very vague about that,” Kaz frowned. “The language that she was using implies that Jesper is unable to travel back for some reason, which is accentuated by her asking us to come and see her. I’ll have to make preparations for someone that can watch over the properties while we’re gone since I’m not sure how long it’ll take us to get back.”
The omega reached over and took the paper while making sure that his body stayed to himself as Kaz spoke. The letter smelled like her, maple syrup and spun sugar with just a hint of blueberry, but also of Matthias, dark oak and crisp snow, and Jesper. The citrus of the orange had a slightly different, milky scent that Wylan wasn’t familiar with, but he was sure that it was his mate. He thought perhaps that it was Jesper’s father, since they were presumably staying with him out on the Novyi Zem frontier. Wylan couldn’t really remember what he smelled like from their brief interactions with each other.
“You mentioned staying for Inej. If Jesper is hurt then shouldn’t we go out to soothe some scent sickness or something?” he asked. He really just wanted to be reunited with the omega that he had fallen so desperately in love with, the one that had never doubted him for his inability to read and teased him until he was red around the gills.
Kaz’s mouth tilted into a frown for the second time that night. He was so stressed about his mate’s disappearance and maintaining their status among the gangs in the Barrel so that they wouldn’t become a weak target to be ganged up on. “I have quite a few things that I need to settle, but you are free to go and see him before Inej and I make it out there. I think it would be for the best, overall.”
Wylan didn’t agree with it entirely. He wanted all of his pack to be together again, he didn’t want to have to leave two of them for another three. But he knew that Kaz was right, and having three mates with Jesper would help him more than just the two. So they made arrangements for Wylan to take the next mercher boat that was traveling to Novyi Zem while Kaz worked out the last of the jobs he had in motion and decided who was going to take charge of the Dregs’ properties while he was away. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best that they could figure out while their brains were clouded with worry.
---
The pregnancy wore on him less the further along that he got. Sedhi had been right when she said that the natural nausea and morning sickness would wear off the longer that he progressed, but he was getting more scent sick by the day. He had to take larger doses than in the beginning to make sure that his body didn’t go into early labor to try and abort the baby, as it was evident that Matthias and Nina were not the biological father.
Even if they weren’t the person who had actually gotten Jesper pregnant, having them around helped immensely. They were assisting Jesper’s da in the field every day, which meant that he was far more likely to get enough money from the crop that year to buy a new plough horse. He had to spend a good chunk of his earnings from the jurda on temporary farm hands that would come out and help him harvest the field before the blossoms had a chance to blow away in the wind or rot on their vines. With three extra sets of hands to help him that weren’t asking for any kind if pay, he wouldn’t have to do that.
Jesper was often relegated to the barn, where he could walk back and forth in the shade of the open, breezy building while shifting jurda around so that it would dry evenly. He had also taken to packing the stuff up with a special pair of gloves that Sedhi had offered to him so that none of the stimulant would get into his system since it was bad for the growing pup.
The working day had long since ended, though, and they had retired to the house. Nina was humming to herself in the kitchen as she switched out the pie tins that she was using to bake. The house already smelled of the spices that she had gotten the last time that Colm had gone into town. She was baking something that she remembered from her childhood and wanted to see if Jesper would like. He had been craving the sweet apple pies that were sold all over Ketterdam something fierce recently and they were the closest thing that she could offer.
Colm was beside the fire, smoking on a pipe where the smoke would billow out towards the window. The smell was very similar to his own natural scent and something that Jesper had grown up smelling, so it was calming the same way that the rest of the house was. He was explaining some of the stories from Jesper’s childhood to two of his mates despite the omega’s earlier protests about it. To make sure that his son didn’t die of embarrassment before his first grandbaby had the chance to arrive, he would also sprinkle in stories of his own growing up in the Wandering Isles.
Matthias was sitting in front of the fireplace, which had gone unused since the height of the summer heat had infected the land. They were already nearing the fall equinox, which meant a party that Jesper may or may not have the energy to attend when it came around, but the heat was going to be sticking around in waves until the first snowfall. The alpha had several pieces of wood and nails around him, along with the tools that he had been using. He and Nina had argued about why he was doing it in their living room until he explained what it was.
He was making their pup’s first cradle. It was a mix of all of the cultural practices that he knew of concerning that specific part of child rearing. In Fjerda, an alpha would make their home a cradle to welcome the new child and symbolize the fact that they were going to be protecting their family just as the ring he had helped forge did. In Ravka, the cradle for a new baby had to be made within the home, either in front of the hearth or the stove, so that the domovoj could come and bless the place where the child would be sleeping so that they could watch over the little one while they grew. In the Wandering Isles, cradles were made with shells and rockers so that the child could grow used to the feeling of the waves.
That was the story that Colm was currently telling, one that Jesper had loved when he was six and trying so hard not to fall asleep in his mother’s lap.
“How are you feeling, Jes?” Nina asked from the kitchen when they got to a lull in the story.
“Tired,” he replied, trying to stifle a yawn. He was wearing some of his mother’s old wraps, the bright colors comforting but almost garish against his dark skin. His own clothes had stopped fitting a week after Nina and Matthias had gotten there, since he had apparently ‘popped’ according to the elderly woman that had come to visit them. She had also invited them to the post-harvest festival at her own farmstead, which was why Nina was baking more than a single pie.
“If you need to go to sleep then I can put this aside for now,” Matthias said as he gestured his head down to the cradle. He was trying to get the hood that would go over the baby’s head affixed perfectly before he sealed it in. If Jesper wasn’t so exhausted, he would have offered to help with his zowa abilities.
The omega shook his head. “I was enjoying Da’s story and I like watching you work. We’re okay,” he promised as he brushed a hand over his stomach. In a few short weeks he was going to have to stop taking his herbal remedy for good and deliver the little one. He was scared for it, but with every flutter and bump he felt from his growing baby he got more excited. It was the rush of a lifetime to think about the tiny hands and tiny feet that he could hold, the potential for greatness he would carry in his arms. His mother’s wraps for him and the one she had used for when she was laboring were already in Jesper’s room upstairs, discovered when they had been looking for her clothes.
The pup kicked at his hand when he shifted slightly. He was active most when the dusk was beginning to settle over the rolling hills of the frontier and near dawn when Jesper was getting uncomfortable from sleeping in one position for too long. Matthias and Nina had trouble keeping their hands off of him during those times, especially when he and Colm were cooking. The pup liked the songs that Matthias sang in his deep baritone when Jesper was crying from how uncomfortable he was or had just vomited up his breakfast. It was a wonderful sensation, to feel the pup calm underneath his mate’s hand and soothe from his voice.
Colm chuckled. “You always did like this story. You begged me to tell it to you before bed every night for a year,” he explained.
“I was barely even a child, Da,” Jesper moaned dramatically, keeping his eye on his mates so that he could see the smiles that were splitting their faces at his antics. He knew that he had worried them by suddenly disappearing and then with how sick he had been the last few months. It had gotten better now that they were there, but he did have a few dizzy spells and even fainted once since they had come to stay.
Before the story could start up again, a knock sounded on the door. Colm puffed the last of the tobacco in his pipe before he set it down in the little ceramic holder on the mantel that Jesper’s ma had given him for the last birthday she had been there for. He stood up and blew the smoke out as he walked over to the door to see who it was. “Can I help you?” he asked as he opened it.
Jesper craned his head to see who it was for only a moment before his stomach roiled with discontent. He leaned back against the arm that his pillows were propped up against and let his eyes close to rest and soothe the swirling nausea in his gut.
They flew open a second later when he heard the response that their unexpected visitor gave, “Sorry, I just wanted to ask for some more directions. I was told that you here I would find the Faheys but I’m terrible with directions.”
Matthias turned towards the door, his own face splitting into a wide smile as he recognized the voice of his mate. Nina let out an excited squeal from the kitchen but didn’t come out to greet the omega like she normally would since the task she was completing required her attention. Jesper planted both of his hands down onto the couch as he tilted into a sitting position and then pushed himself up. He ignored the way that his vision swam and the concerned noise that Matthias made in the back of his throat as his long legs took him three strides to get behind his father. “You’re only good at navigating maps, merchling,” he chuckled good-naturedly.
“Jesper!” Wylan gasped, his pale face lighting up with a kind of shining excitement that Jesper had only seen when he had made a breakthrough with a piece that he was practicing.
Colm seemed to understand what was happening would be explained to him eventually and returned to his chair in the living room. Wylan stepped into the house as Jesper reached up to close the door behind the other omega. Before he even had the chance to breathe in the scent of campfire smoke and freshly cut trees, Wylan’s arms were around his neck and their lips were pressed together. He leaned down into the touch like he was a drowning man and Wylan was his air. Jesper felt another piece of him slot into place, the aching and the nausea reducing significantly now that he was no longer scent sick for another one of his mates.
“You’re here, you’re okay!” Wylan beamed, grabbing both of Jesper’s hands as he pulled back to look at his mate. “You’re… pregnant,” his eyes widened as he tilted his head down to look at Jesper’s prominent baby bump.
“Yeah, I am,” he nodded as he broke away from Wylan and placed one hand on the underside of his bump to soothe the baby.
“Is that why you left?” Wylan asked, tearing his gaze away from his mate’s hand so that their eyes could meet.
Jesper felt more tears well up in his eyes as he gave a small nod. “I didn’t think that you would want to be a mother given everything that you’ve been through,” he shrugged weakly.
The other omega led him to the living room and sat down beside him. He shared a quick kiss with Matthias, who had stood up so that he could greet the newcomer and make sure that Jesper was okay. That was the one thing that the gunslinger could do without, the hovering from his alpha mate was getting old very quickly.
When they were comfortably sitting down on the couch, Wylan took Jesper’s hand and began to explain, “If you had asked me if I wanted to conceive I would have told you no. I know that there’s probably going to be ways to treat my affliction in the future and we would never treat our pup as I was treated, but there are so many things that I can’t do because of it. I wouldn’t want to pass that on to any child. I would like the chance to have the family that I dreamed of on those hard nights when I was a teenager. I want to help you raise this baby, Jesper, if you want me to be with you.”
“Of course I do, I just didn’t want to force any more of my stupid life decisions on you,” he laughed. He brought Wylan’s hand up to his mouth and placed a kiss onto his ring finger where the heavy iron band rested from after their mating ceremony. It was a Kerch tradition that Jesper didn’t really understand but had been willing to do if it made Kaz and Wylan feel special.
Nina had evidently finished what she had been doing in the kitchen as she was wiping her wet hands onto her apron while she walking into the living room. Her long brown hair was plated and sewn onto the back of her head, which had been done by one of the women that had come to see Jesper and give him a gift to bless his pregnancy. She was wearing a simple brown skirt with a white chemise underneath and a red embroidered apron over the top of it. Even though she was dressed down compared to how she usually looked when she was back in Ketterdam, Jesper had never seen her in a more beautiful setting.
She smiled, warm and wide as she walked over to her omega mates. She placed a gentle kiss on both of their lips as she whispered a, “Hello, love,” to Wylan. When they had finished with their greetings, she stood up and asked, “Where are Inej and Kaz?”
“Inej wasn’t going to be back from Ravka and Kaz wanted to make sure that Jesper was as healthy as possible. You were really vague in your letter and I wasn’t able to figure out what was going on. I can’t speak for Kaz though, you know how he is,” Wylan sighed.
“We certainly do,” she laughed. “I’m glad that he sent you, the pup’s going to be arriving in the next couple of weeks and Jesper needs all the strength that he can get before that happens.”
“Why didn’t Kaz come with you?” Jesper asked, feeling a little hurt. He had been suspecting that Kaz was the father of his pup for quite a while now. It was possible that Inej was the one that gotten him pregnant but their estrus season was a hard time for her, so she spent most of her time making sure they had enough food and water in their systems instead of indulging in the sex part.
“He wanted to wait for Inej. I think he’s scared of what’s going to come. And if he hadn’t stayed behind to wrap everything up then it could have resulted in some of the other Dregs getting hurt. That and it would have taken us at least two weeks longer to get to you,” Wylan explained. “He’s going to come as soon as Inej is back in town, I promise.”
---
It felt like Wylan’s promise was never going to come true.
Jesper’s pregnancy got easier with every mate that came to stay with him, but he had to continue to take the same amount of the scent replacer that he had before because the father of his pup was still absent. He grew more weary and tired every day, to the point where he spent the morning napping before rousing for the afternoon and dozing in the evening. He tried to work as much as he could, but Wylan had mostly taken the place that Jesper had been filling to give the other omega the time and space he needed to rest.
The summer months crept into the middle of autumn, where the grass turned a dry white-yellow as it prepared to be layered with snow for the rest of the year. Things around the house were progressing as well. The baby’s cradle had been finished and put into the room that Jesper and his mates were sleeping in while they stayed with Colm. They had gathered up gifts from the neighboring farmsteads and some of the elderly crones in the town that they went to for supplies, which meant that they had plenty of clothes for the newborn when he decided to arrive.
Sedhi came and visited Jesper every other day when they finally passed the fall equinox. She would lay her hands on his belly and tell him that his baby was strong and a fighter before she gave him his scent replacers and warned him not to stop taking it. Once his labor started, they would be unable to stop it at that point in his pregnancy. The whole process had started to get painful and annoying enough that he nearly cried when she told him that the time had come where the baby would be strong enough to be born.
He had gone off of the scent replacers on a brisk fall morning when Colm was traveling into town so that he could get the jurda to the mercher company that had purchased it. He had specifically chosen that day so that he didn’t have to deal with his da hovering about when he was in the early stages of his labor.
Nina was downstairs while making them breakfast. Matthias was fussing with the newest thing he was making for the pup, something he picked up just so that he had something to do with his hands that wasn’t suffocating to his pregnant mate. Wylan was upstairs with his arm lazily slung over his mate’s bump, whispering Kerch bedtime stories to the active little one. Jesper himself was trying to pay attention to how he felt since his midwife had warned him that his labor would either take days or hours, so when he decided to go off the scent replacers he needed to call for her quickly after his first couple contractions.
He didn’t notice anything different in the beginning. He felt a little sluggish and his back hurt, but nothing other than that had changed. Eventually, he got a burst of energy around noon and spent the afternoon cleaning the house with his mates. It felt good to have it restored to the state that his ma had always kept it, even if that wouldn’t last for very long.
By the time that the sun was beginning to set low over the horizon, Jesper felt the contractions begin. They felt a bit like the practice ones had, but it didn’t scare him that time as it had when he got his first ones. He continued his slow pacing around the house while breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth to ebb the pain and the pressure away.
Wylan and Matthias stared at the clock hanging in the living room like it was going to run away from them if they didn’t, to keep track of the pace of Jesper’s contractions. “Do you want us to go find Sedhi?” Nina asked when she noticed the second pain he had, about twenty minutes after the first one.
“I have a feeling that my labor is going to be the long kind. We should let her sleep so that at least one of us can be at our best tomorrow,” he chuckled. He knew that after his disappearance at the beginning of his pregnancy none of his mates were going to be able to sleep now that their pup was actually coming. Nina was nervous surrounding medical procedures because of her Grisha abilities. Matthias was overly protective and wanted to ease any pain or discomfort that any of them felt. Wylan was horrible when it came to dealing with adrenaline and would be shaky and weak in a few hours time.
They settled in for the long haul. Nina fluttered in and out of the kitchen with hot chocolate, tea, and jam on bread to help Jesper keep his strength up. Matthias started a fire up in the hearth to keep away the bad spirits, muttering prayers and Fjerdan that he would explain to them after he said them. Wylan sat on the couch and wrote down the times of Jesper’s contractions and around how long they had lasted.
Jesper tried to sit and doze in between the pains, but he was uncomfortable the entire time. He moved from pacing the length of the house to kneeling beside the couch with his head pillowed in a variety of mate’s laps. Nina had even drawn him a bath for the early stages of his labor when his waters had no chance of breaking to see if it would help him feel better at all.
He became nauseous when the morning finally rolled around and the sun began to peak through the drawn blinds of the house. His skin felt tender with the need for two pairs of hands that weren’t there for him. The pain was almost unbearable and only a few minutes closer together than it had been when they began the night before. He couldn’t find a position in which he could get comfortable and didn’t want to make the trek upstairs so that he wouldn’t be trapped there yet.
Nina finally persuaded him to give the squatting from his mother’s Zemini silks a try, laboring as she had. He agreed to do it because she knew all the buttons to push even though his mind felt like a jumble of indecipherable noises and sounds. He found that leaning against the bedposts with his legs spread apart helped, as did being supported by the swing part of the silks.
He heard the horses and the cart sometime around noon and knew that his da must have been worried. It took from morning to early evening to get from Shriftport all the way to their home on the frontier, so to get home at the time he did, he would have either had to push their team to the near breaking point or left very early.
Jesper was sipping at soups when he heard new voices downstairs and assumed that Wylan had finally come back with Sedhi. They decided that his labor was progressing enough that they wanted to have an experienced pair of hands to help out after the other mates had eaten and Jesper had moved upstairs.
“I feel as though I’m dying,” Jesper moaned weakly as he sunk down into the same squatting position he always did when he got a contraction. Nina had to help him up to standing so that he could pace whenever they passed, but if she was annoyed she certainly didn’t show a single trace of it. The pain and the pressure around his gravid belly were the only things in his mind for a long while before he finally came back to himself. His throat was beginning to get sore from the noises that escaped him whenever he got a contraction.
“Jesper?” Kaz asked, sounding just as hoarse as Jesper felt.
The omega’s head whipped a little too quickly towards the sound of his alpha’s voice and he promptly burst into tears. “Please don’t be upset with me, I had to hide it from you and come here, I wasn’t trying to betray you and I promise that the pup is yours,” he blabbered.
“He’s been very worried,” Nina explained as she unwove the silks from around Jesper’s hands to help him stand up again. He had changed into a birthing gown after his bath, so the pink fabric hung off of him in billowing beauty, but hugged at his swollen stomach.
“This… this is why you left?” Kaz asked, swallowing hard enough that they all noticed.
Inej shoved her way past the alpha so that she was standing in front of her omega. She had no doubt already greeted Matthias to cure their scent sickness for her. She placed both of her deadly hands on either side of Jesper’s face and then leaned in so that she could place a tender kiss on his nose. “You didn’t have to run from us or hide from us, Jes, this is a blessing. You’re giving me a second chance at having the life my parents had wanted for me,” she murmured against his lips.
When they broke apart, she brushed their necks together and let out a contented sigh as the smell of open aired fields and wild flowers coated the skin of his mating gland. He felt better than he had in months, but still uncomfortable and sickly because of the labor and lack of attention from Kaz.
The beta stepped back so that she and Nina could greet each other again. The two of them had a relationship that was different and unique to the ones that the other members of the pack had with them, so it was special for them to get to reunite and talk in the tongue that Inej remembered from her childhood. The second that the beta was gone, Jesper knew that there was nothing standing between him and his alpha. He half assumed that Kaz would react to him the same way that Matthias had done, borderline animalistic and overwhelmed by his instinct.
He realized almost as soon as the thought crossed his mind that it was a stupid assumption. Kaz was the one to have the most control when they were in estrus and the only times that he ever let his instincts get the better of him was when they called out to him when they were hurt. Jesper wasn’t going to stoop low enough to do that manipulation tactic, not when he knew that he was safe in the house with the rest of his pack and he had dug himself into the hole he was in now.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, feeling tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. His body ached and he was exhausted. He felt more nauseous than he had since the scent sickness kicked in around the beginning of his pregnancy. He wanted to sleep, he wanted the pain to be gone, and he wanted Kaz most of all. He highly doubted that he was going to get any of those things.
Kaz leaned heavily on his cane as he stepped forward so that he was properly in front of his mate. He reached one of his gloved hands up and cupped Jesper’s cheek, which the omega eagerly leaned into despite the fact that it could (and had, when they were young, dumb teenagers trying to make their way in the world) lead to pain.
He drew his hand back almost like he had been burned when there was a shifting on the floor below them. Tears began to drip down the omega’s face as he desperately wished for the touch of his alpha, the scent of the baby’s father, anything to ease the ever-present sensitivity on his skin.
The alpha in question shifted so that he was holding his cane a little tighter, both hands resting over the metal head Jesper himself had helped make. It felt like they were in their own little bubble, hiding away from the rest of the world, like nothing had changed since after their trip over the fold, before the Ice Court, before the fight with Van Eck or Pekka Rollins. Of course, he was reminded of when and where he was when the strong fall breeze brushed through his window, carrying the smell of drying hay from the next farmstead over.
“Jesper, you must promise me something,” Kaz whispered.
“Anything, alpha, please just don’t be mad at me,” Jesper sobbed. The noise emerged from him before he even realized that it was building in the back of his throat. He felt broken and raw now that the thing he had wanted so badly was in front of him and yet still out of reach.
Kaz startled at the noise, like he had missed out on what was happening as well. He reached out and took the lanky omega into his arms so that they were pressed as close as their height difference and the bump would allow. He turned his head to the side and pressed his seasalt chapped lips to the curve of Jesper’s cheek and then whispered into the shell of his ear, “You have to promise that you will never, ever do something like this again.”
“The baby?” the omega asked, his voice small and scared in the back of his throat.
“No, leaving me. You didn’t tell me what was really going on and I knew that you hadn’t just decided to up and leave us because I’m not stupid. I thought that you were in danger. And you were. When you’re not within my reach there’s nothing that I can do to protect you, and that’s my job one of your alphas and your pack leader. You’re vulnerable now,” he paused when he felt the muscles underneath his hand shift.
Jesper grit his teeth together and tried to stay in the moment so that he could hear the words that he had been dreaming of for at least two seasons, but the pain was overwhelming. It traveled up his spine until it reached his waist and then wrapped around his abdomen like a vice. “Sorry,” he mumbled as he released the fabric of Kaz’s coat and placed his hands down on the bedpost.
Immediately, Nina recognized what was happening and rushed over to help him. While Matthias and Wylan had also been helping him labor, she was the one that refused to leave his side since she knew the most about childbirth out of the three of them. She was rubbing small, soothing circles on his back and coaxing him to remember to breathe.
“What’s going on?” Kaz asked, looking between his mates with wide eyes. He looked younger than they had seen him look in a long time, human instead of the monster that he had created for himself after his trauma.
Inej walked up beside him and pushed his hand back down when he tried to reach out for Jesper. She only allowed him to do so when the omega haphazardly reached out towards them. “He’s in labor, love,” she explained softly, compassionately.
“Labor?” Kaz gawked between the two coherent Crows like Inej had something completely unfounded and untrue.
The pain had finally passed and Jesper was able to right himself. He kept his eyes closed, scrubbing his face with the hand that wasn’t holding onto Kaz. He shifted back and forth to try and soothe what was left as he said, “Yeah, the baby is coming soon.”
Inej reached out so that she had taken her alpha’s other hand. “I think that you’re going to have to change out of that suit and anything else you don’t want getting messy,” she chuckled. She and Nina were having some kind of silent conversation with each other that Jesper couldn’t be bothered to try and read into.
“Why?” Kaz asked, sounding almost like a toddler.
“I know that you aren’t very familiar with processes like this Kaz, but the baby isn’t just going to magically appear in Jesper’s arms. There’s going to be quite a bit of blood and other things that will definitely stain clothing,” Nina laughed. She jerked her head over to the silks, which were stained from the other births that had happened over the top of them.
“Right,” he nodded as he turned and walked towards the bathrooms without saying goodbye. It still ached when he pulled away, but Jesper knew that he was going to be herded back into the room as soon as Inej had gotten him to snap out of the panic that he was in.
Jesper slowly lowered himself down onto the edge of the bed. His labor was creeping on dreadfully slowly and it was still wearing him out so badly. He felt another piece of him finally settle into place when Wylan and Matthias came back up into the room, following by Sedhi.
“I’ve heard that our baby is going to be coming soon!” she beamed, speaking in Zemini. He was glad that he was having his baby in the home that he had been born in, with the language that his mother had spoken surrounding him.
He gave the older omega a nod as he reached out for his other mates. Kaz may have been back, but his body was wracked with nerves about what was going to be happening. He wanted his mother to be there to hold his hand and reassure him that he was doing well, not that Nina hadn’t been doing a wonderful job of it. Matthias walked over first, leaning down and kissing the top of his head. “Do you want to take a nap in the nest after Sedhi has finished checking you?”
“Yes, please,” he nearly started crying as the reality that he could rest at least a little bit during the process washed over him.
The omega in question had walked over to the basin so that she could scrub her hands clean. Once they were, she knelt down in front of Jesper while Nina helped him tip back so that she could get in between his legs. Sedhi carefully inserted two of her fingers into his vagina so that she could tell how far he had progressed. She had done that a couple of times before he had gone off of the scent replacers just to make sure that everything was still okay.
“How long have you been having the pains, sweetheart?” she asked.
“Almost a full day,” he replied in Kerch before he repeated it in the language that she understood. He looked up, mostly to turn his head towards Nina so he could distract himself from the uncomfortableness of the examination but then saw that Kaz was there.
He was wearing his slacks still, along with his belt, but his feet were bare and he had one of Colm’s shirts on. Behind him, Inej had striped out of her knife-laden belt and into one of the work dresses that Nina had been using, sinched down into a usable size by one of the beaded belts Jesper’s mother had used to wear. The alpha’s face was pale and he looked a little shaky. He stepped into the room and walked over to the side that Nina was on, taking her side. Jesper only noticed that his hands were also bare when their fingers wove together. “You’ve been in this much pain for that long, treasure?”
“Yeah,” he nodded, letting his eyes fall shut. He set his head down on Kaz’s shoulder and pressed his nose into the alpha’s neck so that he was overwhelmed with the smell of poppies and ink. “I was on scent replacers my entire pregnancy which can fuck up the labor. First babies always come pretty slow too.”
Sedhi finished examining him and then stood up so that the mate-pack could be close to each other without a newcomer to worry about. “You’re making good progress, Jesper, but it is going to be slow,” she said in Zemini. Nina translated for the others so that they could understand what was happening too. “I think that we’re going to meet baby sometime tomorrow morning.”
He felt like he was going to unravel at that news, but he was quickly put back together by a reassuring squeeze to his hand from Wylan next to him. Sedhi noticed the look and smiled comfortingly at him, looking every bit like Jesper hoped his mother would. He missed her so much. She then asked, “Who do you want to be with you when the pup is coming?”
“All of them, please. My da can come into the room after but I don’t want him to be in here, worrying about me, while the baby is coming,” he explained.
She nodded in understanding. “I remember my grandmother teasing him about how he had been when you came. I promise that we’ll keep him busy with tasks downstairs. Send one of your mates if you need me, alright?”
They were finally, blissfully alone in the upper room that Jesper had spent most of his childhood in. He let out a low breath as some of the tension began to dissolve from his body. He slowly rose into a standing position and let go of Kaz and Wylan as he made the needed modifications to his nest so that they would fit. Inej and Kaz immediately took the offered fabric items from Nina and scented them to add to the mess of blankets already on the mattress.
Eventually, everything felt like it was the perfect place so Jesper settled down so that he could sleep in between his contractions. Inej tucked herself into his front, their foreheads pressed together. His hand was underneath her so that he could hold onto Matthias to reassure the alpha that he was okay. Wylan and Nina curled up at the end of the bed with the tea that Colm had made them to help keep them warm since Jesper was hot enough that he had to have the window open. Kaz settled in directly behind the pregnant omega, up against the wall, with his arms looped underneath the swollen lump of his belly. He felt tired, worn down, and he was still in a good deal of pain, but there was no longer the stinging wrongness that he always got when he was scent sick.
---
Kaz couldn’t believe what was actually happening to them. He knew that something big had to have happened for Jesper to leave them at all, but he still hadn’t quite been expecting a baby when he stepped into the little farmhouse. He supposed that they still had quite a few more hours before the baby actually arrived.
He and Inej had gotten off of the boat and met up with Colm in Shriftport early that morning before they raced back to the farmhouse so that they could get to their omega mate as quickly as possible. He had refused to show it to his other mates, knowing that Inej was the one that held his heart physically in her hands and was thus able to withdraw all previously hidden vulnerabilities from him, but he had been more worried about Jesper than he thought capable. Guilt had wracked his mind until Inej had talked him down from his panic attack, the image of his omega mate moaning in pain with each contraction seared into the front of his mind.
The labor was progressing slowly but with every groan and shift from the laboring gunslinger, they knew that it was really happening and there was no avoiding it. They napped for the rest of the afternoon and then took dinner up in their small room, locked away from the outside world. It was only when the autumn sun was singing red and yellow over the harvested fields that Sedhi came to bother them more than she had before. Jesper’s contractions had been about ten minutes apart when Kaz arrived, but now that he was there things were beginning to progress quicker. They reached almost five minutes an hour after the sun had gone down.
Jesper was currently standing with his head against the cool white painted wood that lined the sil of the window, letting the autumn breeze roll onto him. Wylan was next to him with a cup of water, encouraging their pregnant mate to sip from it. He also had a damp cloth in his hands that he would use to wipe the beads of sweat off of Jesper’s forehead. Nina was puttering around the room as she and Matthias argued about baby names, both of them giving more and more ridiculous ones as time went on. Inej was perched on the edge of the bed, praying for a safe delivery for the first pup from their pack and a healthy life for her omega. Kaz was staring at the crib that was tucked into the corner of the room, decorated in shells and dual rockers on the bottom.
He removed the good luck coin that he had tucked into his pocket, desperate for any chance to improve his ability to see his mate while leaving Ketterdam. He tucked the item underneath the layers of blankets that had been used to cushion the wooden structure. It was something that he remembered his father telling him that his mother had done when Kaz was born. It was supposed to bless the child and give them prosperity in the future. He didn’t believe in anything like that, prosperity was something that he would give to his child, but he wanted to feel close to the mother he had never gotten to know.
“Kaz,” Jesper groaned as another one of his pains washed over him.
The alpha turned and was behind him in a second. He placed both of his hands on Jesper’s back and began to rub with just enough pressure that the muscles released when the contraction had finally ended. “Saints, how do people do this more than once?”
“Well, when you don’t have birth control you don’t have any other choice,” Nina chuckled. “And I’ve heard that the reward is rather nice, too.”
Kaz’s hands dipped just a little bit so that he was touching the swollen mound on his mate’s front. Jesper had just enough muscle to not be considered waifish, so it was strange to see the way that his body had changed in the few short seasons that they had been separated. “You’ll never have to do it again if you don’t want to,” he said softly. It was more tenderness and caution than he had ever spoken in his entire life, but he knew that his mate deserved it with everything that he was enduring because of him.
“Maybe Nina will be right and the baby will make me want to do it again,” he mumbled. He shifted a little bit so that he was standing again. His pretty gray eyes were closed, which prevented Kaz from being able to see them the way that he wanted to. “With at least three other people being able to carry pups I’m not sure I’d volunteer myself that quickly, though.”
That got a ripple of laughter from the mate-pack. They didn’t know if they were going to take to parenting well, Kaz was terrified of it, but there was nothing that they could do to stop the imminent arrival of their first pup.
“Ugh,” Jesper groaned as he began to get another contraction. He leaned heavily against Kaz and took Matthias’ hand when the other alpha walked over to where they were. Kaz hadn’t been there for the duration of his pregnancy or the early stages of the omega’s labor, but he could already see how Jesper was relaxing by having his mates surrounding him. He helped his omega rock back and forth to soothe some of the ache while he worked through it, startling a little bit when he heard the sound of water hitting the floor.
“What was that?” Wylan asked, removing himself from the inside of the nest so that he could rush over to examine the noise.
Jesper’s eyes were wide and his body had gone a little bit rigid. “I think my water just broke,” he mumbled as he turned his head down to see the growing puddle of fluid on the ground.
Inej gave a little nod and then darted out of the room so that she could go and get the midwife. Sedhi returned with the beta a moment later and leaped into motion. She got a towel from the stack that they had in the corner of the room so clean up the floor and Jesper’s legs. They moved him over to the silks hanging from the ceiling while she scrubbed her hands so that she could check his progress again. “I have good news, the baby should be coming faster than we originally thought,” she told him once she had finished the examination.
“Thank the Saints,” he breathed. Kaz knew how he was feeling to an extent. While the idea of becoming parents so soon was terrifying, he also hated to see his mate in pain and wanted the process to be over sooner rather than later.
The older omega hovered around the room more than she had before. She still let them be for the most part so that Jesper could feel calm and safe without the presence of someone outside of his mate-pack. She came and checked what was happening more often than she had before, though. The contractions seemed to increase in intensity and frequency exponentially after his waters had broken, which left him ready to push sometime around midnight instead of the next morning when they had been anticipating.
He had gotten a lot quieter than he had been in the beginning of his labor. Back when Kaz had first arrived, he had managed a couple of quick jokes in between the pains. The quietest that he had been was when he was actively having a contraction or when they had all taken their afternoon nap. Now the only sounds that he was letting out were quiet groans into his arms wherever he was leaning or squatting during the pains. He whimpered whenever Kaz got more of a foot away from him, so the alpha stayed directly by his side.
Kaz and Wylan went back and forth while mopping his face with a cool cloth to keep the sweat from his dark skin. Nina made sure that he was still sipping at some water and as comfortable as he could. Inej did everything that she could to help but she was desperately out of her comfort zone since she had never encountered that kind of situation.
When the time finally came to push. Jesper wrapped his arms around the silks hanging from the ceiling and squatted down. The short birthing gown that he had been wearing was hiked up around his knees so that Sedhi could see the progress that he was making. Kaz was behind him, rubbing at his hips and kissing the juncture of his neck and shoulder to remind him that he was there. Wylan was on the other side of him, moping off his face and wetting his lips with the cloth. Matthias was on the other side to help support him if he got wobbly after being in the position for too long. Nina and Inej were standing beside Sedhi with towels and the other tools that they would need for after the baby was born.
“I know that your body is telling you to push, Jesper, so do it when you feel it’s right. Remember to breathe when you can. No shouting either, focus all of that attention on bringing your little pup into the world,” Sedhi instructed after he had gotten down into his position.
“Okay,” he whimpered weakly. He let his eyes fall shut as another one of the contractions rushed over him. He was clinging to the silks like he would be ripped out into an ocean if he even let up a little bit. A small grunt left his lips as he pushed with all of his might, his head coming forward so that it was pressing onto his chest. When the pain left and he finished, he leaned back into Kaz. The alpha in question murmured the few words he knew in Zemini, all pet names and affectionate phrases, into the shell of his ear. The omega seemed to preen at that, so he made sure to do it every time.
They fell into an easy pattern like that. It took about twenty minutes before the head of the baby finally began to crown. “There we are, you’re doing wonderfully, I can see the head,” Sedhi beamed in Zemini. Nina had been translating for her the entire time, though she paraphrased the most recent sentence with her own excitement.
“Can I feel?” Jesper asked, chest heaving for breath. When the older omega nodded, he unwove one of his hands from the silks, which caused Matthias to grasp his elbow to keep him steady. Jesper reached his hand down between his legs and let his hand brush against the coils of hair on the top of their pups head where it was peaking out of him.
Jesper was calling out more than he had been when he was pushing before, his face contorted in pain. “Saints!” he gasped as the final push birthed the head into Sedhi’s waiting hand.
“Well done, Jesper,” Kaz breathed. He blinked up from where he had been staring at his omega and the midwife cleaning off their baby’s head and helping him turn. The other mates were all staring at Jesper like he was making the constellations, like his skilled hands had crafted the stars that hung bright in the sky. He knew the feeling, what was happening was bloody and primal but Jesper looked so elegant and beautiful while he was doing it.
Once Sedhi had finished helping the baby turn around and had checked to make sure that the umbilical cord wasn’t around his neck, Jesper was instructed to push again. This time it only took two pushes before the baby slipped entirely out of him and into the midwife’s waiting hands. “You’ve got a little omega!” Sedhi said before the room erupted in excited noises in honor of the new arrival.
Kaz had been instructed on what to do when the baby was born, so helped Jesper lean back so that he was propped up against the alpha with his legs extended out in front of him. The newborn was tilted so that he was resting on his mother’s chest while Wylan helped the other omega move his birthing gown to reveal his skin.
“Hi there, Saints, you’re really finally here,” Jesper whispered as he released the hand that Kaz had taken so that he could hold their pup. He had happy tears rushing down his face while his long fingers began to trail over the coily hair on their pup’s forehead, not caring a single bit about the blood and fluids that were caked on the dark skin. Their pup was a little bit lighter than Jesper currently, but still had all of the Zemini hallmarks that they had gotten so attached to. Kaz could see his own nose and jaw shape already forming on the pudgy face of the newborn, which made his heart flutter.
Inej was staring, transfixed on the tiny being that Jesper had just brought into the world. Kaz looked up to her for guidance as he felt his entire heart burst in his chest. She gave him a watery smile as she knelt down beside them, almost on top of Wylan, so that she could get a good look at their pup.
“You did so well, Jes,” Matthias praised. He turned to the newborn and brushed his own hand over the messy back of their newborn. Over the crying that began to emit from their baby’s little mouth, he said, “Velkommen til verden, lille skat. Jeg sværger at passe på dig og beskytte dig så længe jeg kan.”
Nina was crying as she helped Sedhi tie off the cord with part of one of Jesper’s mother’s dress in two places. They cut in the middle and then the pup was moved to the beta’s hands so that she could take him over to the little tub where he would get his first bath. Jesper turned his head to follow his baby, instincts already raging inside of him since the newborn hadn’t stopped wailing yet. Kaz knew what he was experiencing, it felt as though if the baby was not within grabbing distance then he was too far away.
They still had business to attend to before they could really get to settle in with their pup, however. Jesper delivered the afterbirth and Sedhi set it aside after making sure that it was whole so that she could dispose of it in the traditional Zemini way. She checked to make sure that he was also whole, and after that let his mates tend to him while checking over the baby to make sure every finger, toe, and hair was properly in place.
Wylan and Inej helped Jesper get cleaned off so that he didn’t feel as sticky as he had before. They changed him into the special garments that would help them track his bleeding and let him be comfortable enough to nurse their newborn before he settled back into the nest. Kaz changed his own clothes since he had gotten a little bit messy from his place in the delivery. Soon they were all burrowed into the nest, Nina having returned their pup to Jesper’s chest where he belonged. Sedhi had left with the remnants of the delivery other than the silks hanging from the ceiling so that they could focus only on their new pup and a promise of Colm coming to visit them soon.
Jesper had shifted enough to let the pup latch onto his breast and get his first meal. Kaz was leaning onto his side so that he could brush his fingers over the soft spirals of hair on the newborn’s head. Several years ago he wouldn’t have even dreams of that being a reality he could live in. Back then he hadn’t even been able to hug his mates without them and him being entirely clothed. Now he had taken his gloves off and was willfully reaching out to touch his eldest child like it was going to give him a panic attack if it didn’t.
Wylan and Matthias were on the other side of Jesper, marveling at the baby with soft expressions. Nina was sitting at the end of the bed with her arms wrapped around Inej, watching the scene with the softest look she had worn in a very long time.
After the baby had finished feeding, Jesper and the pup both stifled a yawn. The omega finally said, “I know that you were all talking about Kerch names but… I was hoping that we could name him after my mother. I at least want a Zemini name, I feel like I have to pass that part of me down to him.”
None of them were going to object to that. “I think that Aditi is a wonderful name for him,” Kaz replied softly. “Do you want him to have my surname or yours?”
“Yours,” Jesper whispered like it was the most closely-guarded secret in the world.
“Aditi Reitveld,” the alpha murmured as he brushed his nose to the temple of his omega’s head, his bare fingers still trailing over their baby’s head.
Jesper turned his face up towards Kaz, moving away from staring at his newborn for the first time since he had been handed the little omega back. “Are you sure that you want him to have your birth surname? I thought that Kaz Reitveld died on the Reaper’s Barge,” he whispered.
Kaz closed his eyes and took in a low breath. It was overwhelming to be reminded of the trauma that he had faced while circled by the people that he loved, but it had been a long time since he had started his healing journey so he was able to handle it. The steady pressure of Inej’s foot against his leg reminded him that the people he was surrounded by were blissfully alive. “He can’t go around with the name Brekker, it would mark him as a target immediately. And Kaz Reitveld never died, he just had to appear to die so that Brekker could take his place. The coin never really leaves the hands of the magician.”
The omega laughed a little before he was unable to stifle his second yawn. They all cuddled into the bed to sleep for a few hours. After that they would introduce the baby to Colm and their life would go on, whatever form that was going to take from that moment forward.
#fanfiction#fanfic#writing#ao3#archive of our own#soc#six of crows#polycrows#jesper fahey#inej ghafa#wylan van eck#kaz brekker#nina zenik#matthias helvar#jesper x kaz#kaz x jesper#jesper x wylan#wylan x jesper#jesper x inej#inej x jesper#jesper x nina#nina x jesper#jesper x matthias#matthias x jesper#omega jesper fahey#omega wylan van eck#alpha kaz brekker#alpha matthias helvar#beta nina zenik#beta inej ghafa
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So, I decided to answer some questions from this ao3 writers' wrapped ask game for my writing in 2023! I don't have my asks open on this blog BUT if anyone did happen to want to send asks, you can do so on my sideblog @fandomsandfairytales :)
In this post, I'm answering #2, 3, 5, 7, 9, 10, and 14!
2. How many fics did you post this past year?
Two, and they were my first ever published fics! I am honestly so, so proud of them. I had a beta-reader for my first one, which was fantastic. "Mending the Tears" was for the Inkheart fandom, and "A Lack of Education" was for the Six of Crows/Grishaverse fandom. Here are the links and descriptions:
Mending the Tears (1,402 words, T, oneshot) - “She looks at you when she thinks you won’t notice. She follows you with her eyes as if looking for herself in your face. And no doubt she wishes both of us would tell her what it’s like among the dead, and whether we saw Cosimo there.”
“I saw two of him,” said Dustfinger softly. “I expect she’d gladly exchange me for either of them.”
He turned and looked down at the lake.
-
Mo and Dustfinger have a talk about Brianna—particularly about Dustfinger’s complicated relationship with her. Takes place during Inkdeath, at the Castle in the Lake.
A Lack of Education (1,454 words, T, oneshot) - Matthias wakes up one morning to see blood on the sheets he’s sharing with Nina.
Or, Matthias Helvar gets an education in menstruation.
3. How many fandoms/pairings did you write for this past year?
Two fandoms: Inkheart and Six of Crows (aka Grishaverse). I wrote one romantic pairing (Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar from Six of Crows) and one platonic pairing (Mo Folchart & Dustfinger from Inkheart).
5. What fic surprised you with how much interaction it got this past year?
Well, both did, to be honest. But I was surprised and touched by people's comments on Mending the Tears, which was my first published fic. Inkheart is a much smaller fandom than Six of Crows/Grishaverse, so I didn't think I'd get a lot of interaction. However, I got a few thoughtful comments on it—one from my beta reader (who was super awesome & helpful and complimented my writing!!!), one from a guest who said that they never thought they'd comment on ppl's fics but they were so impressed by my fic that they had to (I nearly cried over that one), and one that said the way I write has a poetic feel and felt so true to the characters. When first publishing, I reminded myself multiple times that interaction was a bonus, not the reason I was putting my work out there; yet the comments I've gotten have been so rewarding and encouraging, and I treasure every one of them. I don't know how to describe how amazing it makes me feel to know people enjoy my writing, but suffice it to say, it's pretty great :)
7. Share a line/paragraph/snippet that you were especially proud of from a work this year! (@brievel, you asked this of me in your response to my ask.)
From "Mending the Tears":
"And I think you need to tell her—and Roxane—the truth.” This last came out rather forcefully.
“You think I haven’t?”
“I know you haven’t. I can feel the tension in your heart.”
Dustfinger was taken aback. Despite the fact that he and Silvertongue were on friendly terms now, and that they were bound together by their return from the White Women’s Halls, he still wasn’t fully comfortable with how closely their emotions were tied.
I love Dustfinger and Mo's friendship, and much of their dialogue in Mending the Tears came easily! This specific exchange between them flowed quite naturally, and I love it and am quite proud of it. I personally hold the opinion that "You think I haven't?" "I know you haven't." slaps, and it's probably one of my favorite bits of dialogue I've ever written.
9. What are you most proud of accomplishing in your writing goals this past year?
Hmm, well, I hadn't started out the year specifically *planning* to publish any fics. To my memory, that is. I had been slowly working on Mending the Tears and A Lack of Education since 2022, when neither of them had names yet. (They honestly didn't have names until the days I published them, lol.)
But anyway, whether or not I had planned any writing goals, I am proud that I finished both fics AND published them. I've never published any of my writing anywhere, ever, so it's a big deal to me.
10. What are your writing goals for the upcoming year?
Generally, to write more! :D Lol. I would love to finish and publish two of my current fanfiction WIPs (both Tolkien). I also want to work more on my other fanfiction sort of-WIPs that are really rough right now, which are Tolkien and Inkheart based (separately, not a crossover). I have so many ideas, but only so much time and Writing Stamina™️.
I tentatively would like set a goal to work on other, non-fanfiction writing projects/stories. However, I'm not sure how motivated I'll be to do that. It would be mainly picking up old projects I've worked on, and it wouldn't be stuff I'd publish.
14. Give us a sneak peek of one of your upcoming works!
This is from the first chapter of "Lost and Found" (which is one of the few WIPs I actually have a proper name for XD). It'll probably be my next published fic. It's a Tolkien fic (specifically focused on Silmarillion characters).
He should have known it would not be a good night for Maedhros, and yet it still surprised him when he heard the sounds of furious cursing and stomping on the floor above him.
Maglor resolved to leave him alone, for it was rare that his presence would help on nights like these, but once a particularly loud crash reached his ears, he sighed and left his room.
Steeling himself, he took a deep breath and thumped on Maedhros’ door.
“It’s Maglor,” he called through the door. “I—”
The door abruptly swung open to reveal Maedhros, looking unkempt and wary. “What?”
“I just…” His words caught in his throat. I wanted to check on you.
Maedhros sighed and walked back towards his bed, leaving the door open for Maglor. He came in and closed the door carefully behind him, before turning to see Maedhros stalking back and forth—presumably what he had been doing before Maglor arrived. The flickering fire in the hearth cast long shadows across the floor, and the room was in disarray with clothes, armor, and papers everywhere. A glance at the broken pieces of an inkwell on the floor next to Maedhros’ desk told Maglor where the earlier loud sound had come from.
“It was my fault.”
Maedhros’ low mutter drew Maglor’s gaze from the scene. “The inkwell?”
“No—yes, well—that too.” Maedhros sat down heavily on the end of his bed.
And there you have it, folks :) Hope you enjoyed!
#my writing#my fics#ask game#where I answered questions I wanted to answer XD#inkheart#six of crows#grishaverse#tolkien#tolkien fic#fic writing
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Grishaverse Oneshot Request Rules!
Yep, I'm now going to do requests! Mainly cause I feel bad about not being super good with Dirtyhands and the Bloodbender updates... Anyways, I do have a few rules for requests.
No 18+ requests. Sorry, but I'm not comfortable writing that sort of stuff.
I refuse to do Darkling oneshots. Sorry Darkling stans.
No incest, pedophilia, huge age gaps, basically anything that's like morally wrong? (Besides murder and violence I guess, but this is the Grishaverse)
I'll try to do multi-character ships but I dunno. I will do both x readers and character x characters, as well as platonic ships!
The reader will generally be gender neutral unless specified. I'll definitely try and do both straight and queer ships.
I'll definitely do AUs; those are so much fun. I don't think there are any AUs I refuse to do, but I'd have to see for the requests. I don't know if song fics count as AUs but I'm also willing to do those.
Please give me at least three sentences of a basic idea or summary of the oneshots, though more than this is welcome! The only problem with giving me more information is that it might not live up to your expectations.
I may struggle with some aspects of representation that I don't quite understand or relate to, like if you want the reader to be non-binary or autistic or anything else. I'll try my best to do topics that I don't know a lot about and I will do research but you don't have to request this stuff if you don't want to. If you do request things like this and I don't get it right, please, PLEASE tell me. I will take all criticism into consideration.
As stated before, I'll listen to criticism but please try to be polite about it. I want to improve my writing, but if you are rude about it, I won't listen or even take your request.
Characters I'll do x readers with:
Kaz Brekker
Inej Ghafa
Jesper Fahey
Wylan Van Eck
Matthias Helvar
Nina Zenik
Alina Starkov
Genya Safin
Zoya Nazyalensky
Nikolai Lantsov
Tamar Yu Bataar
Character x character ships I'll do:
Kanej
Wesper
Helnik
Nina-Hanne (I forgot their ship name)
Malina
Genya-Alina
Zoyalai
Genya-David
I might do other characters/ships if you ask, I just might not be thinking about all the ships or something right now. But yeah, feel free to request things. I'm so sorry for the long post but this is all stuff I needed to say about this.
#grishaverse#bookworm center#six of crows#shadow and bone#oneshots#grishaverse oneshots#free free to request#i would love to write them
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How many requests do you already have? (cause youre super popular and all)
aww ty!! as of this moment, my queue is full to may 25 (crazy that it's that far already, but that does include all 8 parts of an upcoming series + one non request that i rly wanted to write). here are the reqs i have right now:
4/23: harry potter (not even a req or an x reader, literally a oneshot of harry james potter trying to figure out what he wants to do with himself now that the war is over. i wanted to write angst)
4/25: so, before you go chapter two (the darkling x child of hecate!reader series)
4/27: harry hook x reader (based on 'the way i loved you'' by taylor swift, was literally giggling to myself over how fun this one's going to be)
4/29: so, before you go chapter three (the darkling x child of hecate!reader series)
5/1: thomas x reader (set in the safe haven, newt and teresa are alive, culmination of months of mutual pining)
5/3: so, before you go chapter four (the darkling x child of hecate!reader series)
5/5: luke patterson reader (reader is luke's english tutor)
5/7: so, before you go chapter five (the darkling x child of hecate!reader series)
5/9: charles leclerc x reader (reader is in charge of social media and charles flirts at all hours of the day)
5/11: so, before you go chapter six (the darkling x child of hecate!reader)
5/13: peeta mellark x reader (reader is a friend of katniss, takes place after round 1 of the games)
5/15: so, before you go chapter seven (the darkling x child of hecate!reader)
5/17: loki x reader (reader is an empath, loki is newly forced to join the avengers)
5/19: so, before you go chapter eight (the darkling x child of hecate!reader)
5/21: leonard 'bones' mccoy x reader (star trek x grishaverse au, the thoughts and ideas i have for this >>>>)
5/23: matthias helvar x reader (enemies to friends to lovers)
5/25: charles leclerc x reader (reader is head of pr for ferrari, when ferrari strategy does ferrari strategy she helps charles w the media)
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Liar Pt2
Me finally writing the part 2?! Wow! So this part is honestly filler. It's Matthias being in his own head and meeting Nina, who will become an ally. Imma be real, nothing happens BUT LISTEN- it's setting shit up. Have faith. Enjoy his mental crisis.
Druskelle!Matthias Helvar x Heartrender!Wife!Reader (she does not make an apperance-)
Word Count: 2059
Summary: Ever since you've left, Matthias has had conflicting thoughts about your relationship and it's driving him insane, but an unlikely friend makes him realize not all hope is lost.
Y/N - Your Name
D/N - Daughter Name
Link to part 1
(Lowkey should've used this gif for part 1 and part1's for this, but rip)
“Dear my love and life,
I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should say sorry again for the whatever thousandth time. I never know how to start these, so I always say I’m sorry. I wish Djel gave me the power to go back in time and fix the mistakes I’ve made. I wish I could go back and hug you when you told me about you being Grisha, instead of pushing you away. I wish I would’ve held you and told you I’d forever love you instead of calling you a witch. I wish when I woke up, I had my wife beside me and my daughter in the room next to ours. I have lots of wishes, and since I can’t change the past, I have a wish that’s selfish and cruel.
I wish you both were dead. I wish that the Druskelle had found and killed you two, or all of you instead of just Elise and Erik.
I know I sound terrible, but not knowing where you are or how you are hurts more than you two being dead. I wish that one day, I’m sitting at home and someone comes in to say they found and killed you both.
Am I a bad person for thinking this? I’ve heard rumors about other countries. I’ve heard Ravka trains their children for war. I’ve heard Shu Han does terrible experiments on Grisha. I’ve heard in The Wandering Isle that the Kaelish kill Grisha so they can drink their blood. I’ve heard in Kerch, Grisha are put under contracts and basically become slaves. I’d rather you be dead than go through any of that.
My love, you remember the day I proposed to you. I know you do. What you don’t know is that the night before I did so, I sat outside for hours. I couldn’t possibly sleep when I was terrified about what I was gonna do. I saw a star that shined brighter than the others, and for some reason, I thought it could be Djel watching over me. I prayed and begged Djel to convince you to say yes, and you did.
Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong. Maybe I’m too busy wishing, instead of praying, but I haven’t felt like praying in so long. Maybe if I find that star again, he’ll hear me better like he did the first time. Maybe I’ll get another chance and we’ll all run away. Maybe-”
“Anything going on up there?” the Grisha woman asked.
Matthias found himself writing a lot since you left. Not in some diary though. He’d write letters to you and his daughter, then throw them in the fireplace and watch it be engulfed in flames.
At first the letters were angry and full of betrayal. You lied to him for years. You used him. That’s what he thought at first.
It had been days and you hadn’t been caught. He happened to have paper and ink around him, so he wrote this letter filled with insults, profanities and accusations, then he threw it in the fireplace. Although he wrote all this down, about how you were a liar and a witch, he didn’t go with the druskelle to try and capture you. Others assumed that your “witchcraft” made him still feel sick, but in reality, Matthias knew deep down that if he saw you he wouldn’t be able to take the shot. He would’ve been expected to either kill or capture his ex wife and child and he knew he couldn't. You were his love, and once your daughter was born, you both promised each other to make her number one in your lives. You’d raise her with love and guidance and make sure she never knew a lonely day. You even promised each other that if one was to die, the other had to keep going everyday even if they didn’t want to. You both promised to make her your whole life. Now he was expected to forget all about that. He wanted to forget all about you, but he couldn’t.
His letters went from angry to pleading. Sometimes his letters would be destroyed by his own tears before it even reached the fire. This especially happened whenever an important date passed, like your daughter’s birthday. It hit him hard then. The loneliness became more apparent. Matthias had quit being a Druskelle, telling Brum some bullshit about how his head still didn’t feel right and he didn’t want to mess something up. In reality, being a Druskelle didn’t feel right anymore. His brothers gave him sympathy, saying you were evil and he was strong for realizing this and breaking out of your spell, but it didn’t make sense. When people look back at their memories with a manipulator or abuser, they notice signs. They see things they didn’t see before. And while Matthias did indeed notice signs that you were Grisha, he didn’t see any signs of evil.
Matthias knew you even before his family was killed, and you stood by him as he mourned. You stayed even when he was sure you’d leave. How could you possibly be evil? It didn’t make sense.
Matthias doesn’t know why he accepted Brum’s offer to go on another exploration. Maybe it was loneliness. He had practically isolated himself for two years. No more you. No more D/N. No more brotherhood.
Or maybe he was hoping somehow they’d find you and he’d be able to escape with you.
Either way, he accepted. A mistake.
The boat ended up sinking and Matthias was sure he’d die, until he suddenly felt his heart speeding up in his chest. When he came to, he realized one of the Grisha, a heartrender with brown hair and a smart mouth, had saved him. Granted, it was just so he could push them to shore, but at least he was breathing.
They found a hut, slept by each other, and that’s when he realized two things.
Number one, your wedding ring, which he always kept in his pocket, was gone.
Number two, when the woman sped his heart up so he stayed warm, it felt familiar. It was how he felt when he laid next to you. He always assumed that maybe his heart beat so fast because being near you was the greatest honor and he hadn’t gotten used to it. He’d still say that was true, but the reality was that you used your power to keep him warm every single night. If he hadn’t been around someone, he might’ve cried.
He heard fingers snapping next to his ear. “Druskelle? Anyone up there?”.
Matthias blinked hard to snap himself out of his thoughts, then cleared his throat. His eyes had been on the fire in front of him the whole time, as if he could burn his letter like he usually did. He looked to the side as the woman sat next to him. He couldn’t even remember what they were talking about.
It was as if she read his mind since next she said, “you were telling me all about Fjerdan woman then you stopped. Hoping one appears?”.
“Yes” he answered without thinking.
~~~
Matthias refused to answer any of her questions. In all honesty, she was annoying him. She was incredibly nosey and kept insisting they were lost, but they couldn’t have been lost because Druskelle didn’t get lost! All trees look the same! Rocks look the same! A certain patch of snow looked the same as other patches of snow!
They were lost. Dammit.
Matthias sat on a big rock with a flat top in defeat. What good was being alive if they were just gonna freeze to death?
The woman sat next to him, “I’m gonna ask a few questions if you don’t mind”.
“I do mind”.
“What’s your name? I like ‘Dumb Druskelle’ but surely you were born with something else. Todd? A Kevin maybe? James?”. Matthias hated she gave the same comfort a friend would. It was strange. He didn’t know her, but he had been so lonely that he enjoyed having someone else near. And if he was gonna die, he wouldn’t mind dying with someone else.
Although Matthias was silent, she kept going. “Who’s back home for you?”.
“No one” he thought.
The woman pulled something out of one of her pockets and presented it to him. It was your wedding ring, the one he thought probably sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Before he could speak she said “I grabbed it before it sunk too far. Figured I could use it as leverage to make you get us to shore, but you agreed before I could”. Matthias took it and since no one he knew was around, he put it back on.
Some people prefer the feeling of a weight lifting off of them, but he preferred the weight the ring added to his finger even if it wasn’t that huge of a change. The woman was still looking at him then he had an idea. If she was Ravkan and you ran there, maybe she knew you! He asked her if he knew a woman fitting your description with a child that had recently came to Ravka. When she said she was usually in and out of the palace, but had gotten a letter from a friend who mentioned a new Grisha with a child he felt conflicted. On one hand, this could’ve been you and this meant you were safe. On the other hand, this meant his daughter was probably being trained to become a soldier for whatever other war Ravka would join.
She made a sarcastic remark, asking if he had been hunting this woman also and she happened to get away. He spilled his guts then. He told her everything. How you met, how you were always there for him, how you fell in love, your marriage, your child, the incident, him turning on you. All of it. It felt amazing to say out loud to someone else.
“You had an incredible wife but chased her and your child away? Remember when I said there was a brain inside all that muscle? I lied”. He didn’t argue. What was the point? “What would you do if you managed to see her or your child again?”.
He thought about this every night and he still didn’t know. He’d apologize but what then? Let you go? Beg for another chance? What if you had met someone else by now? “I don’t know” he answered honestly “but I’d beg for as long as she wanted me to”.
“You do realize that you were gonna kill more Grisha on that boat right?”
“You would go on trial”
“Your trials are a sham, we’ve been over this. The loneliness won’t end by becoming a Druskelle again. You and I both know it”. Matthias went quiet again as he thought. He hated she was nosey, he hated that everything that came out her mouth was sarcastic or said with an attitude, but more importantly
He hated she was right.
“I have known one way my entire life. I don’t know how to be anything else. I… I don’t know if I can be better”.
“It’s possible” she said. She stood and moved so she was in his view. “Get on your feet-”. It all happened so quick then. She backed up, then all Matthias heard was the ground crumbling and her screams. He dived down, catching her hands.
She pleaded for Matthias to pull her up and for a split second, he thought he’d let her fall.
He refused to turn his back on anyone else though.
He pulled her up and let her catch her breath on the ground. After a few seconds, he stood with his hand outstretched, “Matthias… Helvar”.
She took his hand and let him help her to her feet. “Nina Zenik. Nice to make your acquaintance”. Matthias draped one of the fur coverings he was wearing on her shoulders then they started walking again.
“You saved my life”
“I put you in chains. It was the least I could do”.
“That’s all very true, but I was going to say something before I fell”. Nina grabbed his arm, making him stop and look at her.
“I’m going to help you find your family”.
A/N: I need to stop deciding to write at 11pm-. Anyway, did anything really happen this part? No. Lowkey this should say part 1.5 but that looks ugly so here we are. I will not procrastinate for another two months, I promise. Also I remembered that Matthias is 18 and ya'll kid is 10, so uhhh let's say the kid is 6 and ya'll are mid twenties. Imma edit the last part too, don't even worry. I think part 3 will be the last part unless I decide it's too long and split it.
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#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x you#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar#matthias helvar oneshot#shadow and bone#shadow and bone oneshot#shadow and bone imagine#matthias helvar imagine#six of crows#grishaverse#shadow and bone x reader#six of crows x reader#i am so down bad for him
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A Burning Blizzard⎯ Matthias Helvar One-Shot
Pairings: Matthias Helvar x Grisha!Reader
Fandom: Grishaverse
MASTERLIST
Word Count: 1.3k
Warnings: Cursing, fluff, a wee bit of angst
SUMMARY: A Grisha manages to melt a Fjerdan’s heart
Part of @lxncelot‘s Writing challenge!
Prequel to: “Could Be In Love”
Prompt #12: “We really shouldn’t.” / “Why? You scared?”
Prompt #17: “Are we friends?”
*smiling proudly as you watch the other laugh so hard their eyes are screwed shut*
A/N This is a prequel to “Could be In Love” because I wanted to explore the dynamic I created some more :D This took me weeks to write but I’m so glad I took my time with it. God that last line FuCKING KILLS ME
It was uncommon to find Grisha in Fjerda. Even more so to find a Grisha being befriended by those sworn to slay such “beasts”. And one would say it was near impossible to even think of finding Grisha stumbling into a Druskelle camp.
Matthias met Y/N during the warmer months in Fjerda, some called it summer, but all that changed about his home country was that the sun stayed in the sky for a few hours longer. The weather wouldn’t matter had Y/N not asked for shelter due to a horrible blizzard.
It was uncharacteristic for a blizzard that time of year and for a random kid to show up outside his shelter. He’d been the only one of his team to stay back and watch the fire. Due to some idiotic happenstance, Matthias had been temporarily delegated to fire watch. It was boring but he secretly appreciated the rest.
He hadn’t known what to say to the person begging for safety from the storm but he knew his fellow Druskelle would have stopped elsewhere for the night… so he let the stranger in. Matthias remembers very little from his childhood and his family, but his mother always told him to be kind to others. Because that kindness would soon return to you in some way.
“Oh thank the saints,” Their voice set Matthias on edge, so did their use of thanking “saints”. Ravkan. He thought, realizing he may have made a terrible mistake. “I would have frozen out there.” Their Fjerdan was too good for any normal Ravkan, Matthias eyed them curiously.
“What were you doing out there in the storm?” Matthias decided to ask who they were later. Their intentions were more important to him at the moment.
They laughed in response, “I’d been looking for winter roses but soon the wind picked up and I lost my way. “My tent wouldn’t take to anything and trees are far and few between. It’s impossible to navigate in such weather,” They set down their pack, Matthias noted how well-stocked it looked to be.
Matthias grunted in disagreement, “Not impossible, just difficult.”
“I’ve got the keenest eyes in my family and couldn’t see an inch in front of me, anyone capable of walking through that hellish landscape is surely a Saint or Djel herself.”
Hearing the strange person mention his god made Matthias feel a bit better. They seemed to understand Fjerda despite looking horribly out of place. Their accent was a bit shitty but Matthias knew his mother tongue was tricky for outsiders. “I suppose, where are you from? You don’t sound Fjerdan.”
Something flashed across their face before they laughed at Matthias’ serious expression, “Don’t worry, I’m not some Ravkan here to slaughter a poor Fjerdan lad. I’m not sure where I’m from, I was orphaned as a child, you see.”
“As was I, it’s how I became a Druskelle.” He didn’t understand why he offered such personal information to this… person. It felt easy despite not even knowing their name. Horror flashed through their eyes before they nodded, Matthias understood they must be familiar with his kind.
They hummed and nodded, “Druskelle, eh?” Matthias nodded in response, “How old are you? You seem quite young…”
“17 in a few months, why?” Matthias cursed at his prideful response, it was hard being the youngest in his group, most of them started years before he did but he’s only been a “real” Druskelle for a year.
“Just wondering how murderous you could be, that’s all-- is that a wolf!?” Dread filled the stranger’s face upon seeing Trassel. “I heard about Druskelle having wolf… companions but why is it inside?”
Matthias felt annoyed hearing Trassel being referred to as a thing, “He’s inside because of the blizzard, or would you rather be outside too?”
The look on their face was priceless, they were obviously not used to being spoken to like that.
Matthias remembered their meeting quite fondly, all things considered. How else could he feel about the situation, the rare chance that he was the one watching the camp when this… gift stumbled through the door. And by Djel was he thankful for Y/N.
If he had sent Y/N away Matthias would surely be without his life despite how much they complained every time they saved his life.
“You and death are like the best of friends. And I’m the asshole who won’t leave you two alone,”
Y/N had a penchant for making him laugh (especially in the worst places). If his memory served him well, nearly half of the time they got a laugh out of him was in life or death situations. Somehow they always managed to say easily the most outlandish thing he’d ever heard. All he could do was chuckle even if he knew he put the two of them at risk.
But despite nearly dying countless times, the biggest scare was when Y/N abruptly grabbed Matthias by his waist and pulled his head down to kiss him. “We really shouldn’t,” He’d started to protest when they shushed him, their eyes darting over to the Druskelle passing by the alleyway. Their lips never met, but to any passerby, it looked like two teenagers shacking up.
A few minutes had passed and they still stood closely. Just looking at one another. Matthias felt incredibly hot and knew his cheeks were rosy but he didn’t want to part. He didn’t like admitting to himself that being held was nice… especially when it was Y/N holding him.
“Why? You scared?”
Matthias didn’t know how to answer but he knew he was terrified. That part of him that was still trained to hunt Grisha burned with frustration and rage at how he managed to fail so horribly at his one job in life. Matthias was scared of what it meant to want someone like he wanted this… beautiful person.
His whole life Grisha were always described as devils but Y/N seemed so incredibly… normal. Sure they were improper and rude but Matthias found it to be refreshing. Fjerda was beautiful and comfortable but Y/N made him feel more than content. Y/N made Matthias burn and he’d never felt such heat in his life.
That day, when they stood less than two inches apart, Matthias swore he would burst into flames from how hot his blood felt. Standing beside a fire would be icy in comparison… and that made Matthias feel more fear than he would ever hope to feel. How could he have fallen in love with the one thing person he was meant to wipe from the land of the living?
After that close encounter with his entire ideology falling to pieces, he’d distanced himself from Y/N. He had one job and that was to get them out of Fjerda. Matthias felt like he was betraying his friends and family but that week in the camp, alone, with Y/N made him realize something.
He didn’t like to even think the words but he knew everything would change once he returned.
“Are we friends?” Y/N had asked one day as they walked toward the coast through the thick layer of snow.
Matthias wasn’t sure how to answer in a way that wasn’t rude so he settled with indifference, “Why would it matter?”
Y/N shrugged, “Was wondering in case you or the dog tried to murder me, that’s all.”
“I won’t try to kill you,” They gave him a knowing look, “I promise I won’t kill you,” Matthias forced a sarcastic smile.
Y/N laughed at the sight, “My god I’ve really corrupted Fjerda’s finest, haven’t I?” Matthias hated how much he loved the sound of their laughter.
If Grisha weren’t supposed to be alive why did he feel so alive standing next to one?
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What’s in a Name?
Trigger Warnings: Graphic scenes containing blood, mentions of sexual assault (not graphic). The main character is a little bit unhinged and there are scenes that describe torture
Word Count: 4.5k
Another Kaz Brekker fic. Why? Cause I want to.
I need to find someone who’ll stare at me the way Kaz stares at Inej and I promise, I’ll stare at them the way Inej stares at Kaz.
She was known by a different name once upon a time. She knew as much.
Her one tether to her past was the memory of her name. A whispered sound she repeated over and over again like reverent prayer. No on else knew that name except for her and she preferred to keep it that way. If anyone discovered who she used to be, she would go from being the most feared assassin in Ketterdam to being a victim.
So she kept her head down and did the job, no matter how deplorable it was. There was a time when she didn’t have the luxury of choosing her next kill, a time when she had nothing but the clothes on her back and her wits about her. She would kill people with whatever she could come up with from stabbings to poisons to making their deaths look like suicides. There were even other times when she would frame other people for her crimes. She had done it so convincingly that the authorities would simply slap on a pair of handcuffs and march the poor man away without so much as trying to verify if the evidences were faked.
She was good at her job. Better than good even. And because of that, leaders of the various crime organizations in Ketterdam would seek her out. Gone were the days of her spying on their meetings and ambushing them begging for a job. This time, they came to her.
So, it wasn’t really a surprise to her to see Pekka Rollins in her apartment. What surprised her was who he places the hit on.
“You want me to kill, Kaz Brekker?” Y/N said with a raised eyebrow.
Pekka shrugged. He was seated in front of her with two of his men behind him as guards. “He’s becoming a problem. The Dregs are becoming too powerful.”
“But why Brekker? If you’re worried about competition, the Razorgulls are there and so are the Black Tips. And Per Haskell’s the leader of the Dregs.”
“You and I both know that’s not true. Per Haskell hasn’t been the leader of anything in a while.”
“I’m not doing it,” Y/N scoffed. She’s been asked to take hits on leaders of the various criminal organizations in Ketterdam before, usually by the corrupt government officials in Kerch who turn a blind eye on her trade, and Pekka Rollins has asked her to kill a lot of people before. But she has never had Pekka Rollins ask her to kill a fellow gang leader. Never like this.
“Since when did the Reaper say no to a job?” Pekka Rollins ground out, clearly irritated.
“Since you asked her to kill Dirtyhands. I don’t know if you’re aware, Pekka Rollins, but Kaz Brekker is dangerous.”
“He’s a thief. A Bastard of the Barrel. I’m its king. Do the job and I’ll reward you handsomely.”
“No amount of money—“
“500,000 kruge.”
Y/N swore. 500,000 was a lot of money. 500,000 kruge could even get her out of Ketterdam.
Pekka Rollins saw the greed in her eyes and knew he’s set his trap. “So you’ll do it?”
“I want half the money up front right now. The other half, I can get after the job.”
Pekka frowned almost like he would say no.
“Don’t act like I never operated this way, Rollins. I always asked for half up front. I don’t start until I get half the money.”
Pekka snapped his fingers and one of his men came forward with a bag of the money. He dropped the money in front of her.
“I want it done by the end of next week, Reaper,” Pekka Rollins said in a threatening tone.
At that, Y/N smirked. “Have I ever let you down? I’m the Reaper. When I have a hit, I never miss..”
Y/N slinked along the rooftops of the Slat. She had watched the Crow Club and the Slat for a whole week and well versed in the habits of the Dregs, most specifically, of Kaz’s inner crew, the Crows. Inej had the strange habit of staying on roofs as Y/N had come to learn. Fortunately, after a week of studying them, she’s found Inej’s pattern.
Around this time, Inej was in the Crow Club trying to temper Jesper Fahey, Kaz Brekker’s sharpshooter, from loosing too much money at the table.
She slipped inside Brekker’s office quietly, where she knew he would be alone.
She was silent on her feet and if she wanted, she could have slit his throat right then and there. He was standing in front of a wash basin cleaning his face. His usually pristine clothes had their sleeves rolled up to his elbow and his hair was unkempt. His walking stick was well within his reach, perched on the table that held the wash basin.
She watched him silently and she stepped forward, away from the shadows.
“If you’re going to kill me, I’m surprised you haven’t already done it,” Kaz said as a way of greeting when he noticed her behind him in the mirror.
“Then you know I’m not here to kill you,” Y/N said as she walked forward. “I’m here to strike a deal.”
“A deal,” Kaz repeated, looking at her through the mirror. “Why would the Reaper want to strike a deal with me. I’m a thief. Not a killer. I don’t want anyone dead.”
At that, Y/N almost giggled. “You and I both know that’s a lie. There’s one man you want dead in this world and lucky for you I want him dead too.”
Y/N prowled towards the table and chair and took a seat with a sweeping gesture. There was an elegance in her movement, almost like she imbued a dance with every motion of her body.
Kaz turned around and faced her, settling his hands against the table with the wash basin. He regarded her carefully watching her movements as she unsheathed one of the daggers in her leg and slowly cleaned it. The blade, strangely enough, was so clean, you could see your reflection off of it.
“I thought Pekka Rollins was your biggest financier. You’ve killed more people for him than everyone else in the Barrel combined.” Kaz said. His words were slow, clearly preconceived. It was obvious he didn’t want to offend her.
“And I want him dead more than you do, Brekker. You aren’t the only person who’s been slighted by him.”
“I heard he put a hit on me. How much?”
“500,000 kruge,” Y/N replied nonchalantly.
“I would have taken the money,” Kaz said. He stepped forward, unfurling his sleeves. He wore his pristine jacket that hung on one of the other chairs scattered around the room.
Y/N shrugged. “I’m not interested in money. I have clients from the Merchants Council who’d pay me millions for one hit, and they have. 500,000 kruge is a penny to me. What I want is Pekka Rollins’ head on a table and something tells me you already have a plan to take him down.”
Kaz considered her offer. He watched her carefully, his dark eyes trailing over her figure. At her dark clothing, the twin swords in her back and the knives that were hidden all over her body. “What’s in it for me?”
Y/N shrugged again. She had expected the question and was fully prepared to pay him to allow her to kill Pekka Rollins. “Name your price.”
“You.”
“Excuse me?” Y/N choked, her once casual tone slipping into surprise. She had expected money. She hadn’t expected, well, her.
“A contract. You work for me at the end of this.”
“As what? Hired muscle?”
“Hired whatever. One year. For a whole year, you work for me. I make you do whatever I want, no questions asked. In return, you’re in on my plan to take down Rollins.”
Y/N considered the offer. One year was an awfully long time. Her mother had told her the horrors of being indentured and though she doubted that Kaz Brekker would make her use her body in such a way, working for a man like him for a whole year was dangerous.
But she was getting desperate. She had spent her whole life planning her revenge and she wasn’t going to let herself get cold feet at the last minute.
“I get paid, Brekker,” she finally said after a moment of silence. “I don’t work for free. If another person hires me for a hit, I get to work for them too. I can’t only have you as my source of income, especially since I doubt you can afford me otherwise. The plan needs to be set in my motion by the end of the week.”
“And if I can’t deliver by the end of the week?” Kaz asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I guess I’ll have to kill you. I do have a reputation after all,” Y/N replied. Somehow, she knew that Kaz understood that she meant every word. She would kill Kaz if she had to and she would find someone else to take down Rollins.
Kaz stayed quiet. He watched her, his eyes raking over her every action. She had sheathed back her blade and had her full attention on the professional thief.
She would be lying to herself if she didn’t think that Kaz wasn’t handsome. With his intense dark eyes, high cheekbones, sharp features and suave sense of style, it would be a lie to state otherwise.
But he had a darkness about him, and that darkness was what drew her in. A darkness she could understand. He was around the same age as she was but his eyes had a soul that screamed of the many lives he had lived, of the many lives he had lost. He had suffered as she had, perhaps even more.
Finally, after a while, Kaz finally said, “It’s a deal.”
“Good,” Y/N said as she stood up from Kaz’s chair. She walked towards him slowly and reached for the gloves he had left on the table. She handed it to him, her palms facing upward to let him know that she meant no harm. “I want to let you know, Brekker, that I don’t care about his wealth. I don’t care if you take his power, his fortune, his gang. I don’t even care if you kill whatever sorry excuse of a family he has. But his life? That’s mine to take. If you or any of the Dregs get in the way of that, I won’t hesitate to kill.”
He took the gloves from her gingerly, careful not to touch even a fraction of her skin, confirming what Y/N had observed this past week. Kaz Brekker didn’t like being touched.
“You have yourself a deal, Reaper.”
And with that said, Y/N slinked towards Kaz’s window and left, leaving Kaz Brekker alone with his thoughts.
Y/N was impressed. The plan that Kaz Brekker had laid out for her was ingenious, really. She hadn’t realized how far along Kaz was in his plan for revenge and when she had heard the final piece of his grand design she marveled at its effectivity and its simplicity.
Kaz Brekker was a criminal mastermind. There was no other way around it.
He already had a hold of the Dime Lions as well as all of Pekka Rollins’s businesses in Barrel, including the Emerald Palace, albeit discreetly. The original plan was to see Pekka Rollins beg Kaz for forgiveness and ask him for even a fraction of the wealth he used to own so that he could go quietly into the night and never return.
But Kaz Brekker will have to settle with watching Pekka Rollins grovel for his life.
Y/N crept along the halls of Pekka Rollins’ home. It was well guarded, practically fortified, and it was filled with the people who were insane enough to stay loyal to only one man in the Barrel. Anyone worth their salt knew that loyalty could get you killed in a place like Ketterdam. Kaz had informed her that these were the men who stared stone faced at the money that Kaz had offered them and declined.
Because of that, she had no problem killing them.
She did it silently, quickly. A flick of her hand and the men fell unconscious. A knife to their throat finished the job.
She ended their lives without remorse. After years of doing her job, her guilt had been whittled down until it was but a sliver of its original form. At this point, she doubted she could even feel guilt.
By the time she was done, she had painted the walls of Pekka Rollins’ home red. Sprays of blood settled against the gaudy wallpaper, decorating it with splashes and spatters. Some morbid part of Y/N thought it looked better than Rollins’ original decor.
As she killed off the last man, this one guarding the door of Pekka Rollins’ office — the place where Kaz agreed they would have the confrontation — she could hear Kaz’s raspy voice from behind the opulent, wooden, double doors. “You’ve taken a lot from me. I thought I’d return the favor.”
“You think you can come in here like you own the place and take things from me?! You’re nothing but a bastard! I’m the King of the Barrel!” Pekka Rollins replied, his voice loud with indignation.
“You still don’t get it, do you, Jakob Hertzoon,” Kaz said with a dangerously low chuckle, his voice laced with satisfaction. He had told her his reason for revenge once, about Jordie, and she remembered the story, the sorrow and vengeance that had taken hold in Kaz’s very soul. He had told her in the hopes of finding her reason but she refused to say a word. “All will be revealed soon,” was her only cryptic replay
“There’s nothing left for you. Even this house is mine. You’ve lost.” Kaz reiterated.
“You think I’ll let someone like you take things from me? As long as I’m alive, you won’t have peace!” Pekka Rollins roared.
“Well then, it’s a good thing we’re taking your life too.”
And with that said, Y/N threw open the double doors and strode in with a confident stride. Her black stealth uniform was covered in blood and she could feel the blood on her face. She probably looked like a deranged lunatic, especially with the gleeful smile on her face.
Pekka Rollins’ well-lit office was huge, big enough to host a meeting of at least twenty people and still have room to spare. Kaz was standing in front of Pekka, quite a distance away, a table separating the two. The eyes of both gang leaders snapped towards her at the sound of the banging door.
“That was a wonderful introduction, thank you, Kazzie,” Y/N smirked as she walked towards her partner.
Kaz bristled at the nickname but nonetheless stayed quiet.
Pekka Rollins was looking at her with his mouth agape, his eyes nearly bulging out of his head, whether in shock or fury, Y/N couldn’t really say.
“You!” Pekka Rollins stuttered, pointing an accusatory finger her way. “I gave you 250,000 kruge to kill him!”
Y/N scoffed. “Do you know how much the merchant council has offered me to kill you? Five million kruge. You really think 250,000 has any effect on my coffers?”
“So that’s why you betrayed me? Money?!” Pekka Rollins demanded.
At that, Y/N stilled. Gone was the lofty arrogance, replaced by a seething anger that earned her the moniker the Reaper.
“You still don’t know who I am,” Y/N said her tone dangerously low.
“You’re the Reaper,” Pekka answered but he sounded unsure too.
“Let me give you name then,” Y/N stalked towards him until she stood right behind the table. She was so close, she could see every emotion that flitted through Pekka Rollins eyes. She leaned closer, as though she was about to share a secret, and whispered a name.
Her name.
The moment the last syllable left her lips, she leaned back to see the flash of recognition in Pekka Rollins’ eyes.
“That’s right, Pekka,” Y/N said, a vindicating, satisfied tone replacing her previous one as she walked backwards towards Kaz. “I’m your daughter.”
At the revelation, Kaz looked at her in surprise. His daughter?
“Do you remember my mother, Pekka?” Y/N sneered as Pekka Rollins’ face continued to blanched. “You bought her indenture and raped her almost every night and when she told you that she was pregnant, you called her a whore and threw her out on the streets with nothing but the clothes on her back. You told her to get rid of her baby and that she can’t come back if she didn’t. Do you remember?”
“I- She-“
“Don’t!” Y/N growled, her voice rising in anger as emotions swirled within her. “Don’t you dare try and justify what you did. Lucky for me, my mother decided to keep me. And lucky for me again, I wasn’t the only thing she kept. She kept a secret hidden from the world, did you know? She was Grisha. A Corporalnik and even luckier for me, I inherited her abilities.”
With that said, Y/N raised her hands and with a clench of her fist, Pekka Rollins’s lungs seized. His ruddy hands rushed to his throat, clutching it tightly in vain as he tried to willed his body to breathe. His face began to redden and bulging, purple vein swelled against his temple.
Y/N held her grip, watching him suffer. “You came to me over and over again these past few years. Every time you came through my door, I thought you would recognize me. See the resemblance I had with my mother, with you. But no. You stared at my face and didn’t see anything. You saw through me. It’s my fault, really. I was stupid enough to believe that underneath it all, you were secretly a good person but no. You’re the worst of them all.” Just as he was about to pass out, Y/N let go and air surged within his lungs again.
“I’m not going to kill you that way, Pekka,” Y/N cooed. “That’s too easy. My mother died of the plague while we were out on the streets. She died and you lived. You, a pathetic, no good, greedy, sorry excuse of a man. My mother was a saint and she died. I suffered because of you and I know I’m not the only person who suffered because of you. So, for the sake of my friend Kaz—“ she gestured towards Kaz, who was watching their whole exchange silently “— and for me, I’m going to return the favor.”
Y/N stalked towards him again, watching Pekka Rollins continue to gasp for air. “Losing the oxygen from your lungs will be the least painful thing you will experience tonight, I can promise you that and when I am done with you, you won’t be begging me for your life. You’ll be begging me for your death.”
“P-please,” Pekka gasped, clutching the soles of her blood-soaked shoes as he dropped to his knees. “I-I have a son. You have a brother. I’ll be a better f-father for him. Please!”
At that Y/N smirked. “My little brother? Don’t worry. Matthias Helvar, Kaz’s Drüskelle friend, is with him right now. He was more than happy to pay him a visit.”
She didn’t think it was possible for Pekka to pale anymore than he already was but she stood corrected. Horror caused his eyebrows to knit together and his mouth to open wide. Tears sprung from his eyes like an unexpected downpour.
“You didn’t,” He gasped.
She really didn’t. Saints know she would never hurt the child but he didn’t know that.
“I did,” she smirked, her tone gleeful. “Matthias is probably done by now. I even asked him to send my brother’s head in a box.”
Pekka’s eyes widened as he fell backwards and crawled away from her in horror.
“Matthias and I even discussed how he’ll play with my brother. Do you want to feel what he felt?” And before Pekka even answered, Y/N twisted her hand.
Pekka’s hand seized his chest as he felt his heart squeeze inside it.
“He carved my little brother’s heart out of his body. I’d use a knife on you but I figured ripping your heart out of your chest was a lot more painful.” Y/N smirked.
“Reaper,” Kaz said interrupting her, making her release her hold on Pekka’s heart.
Y/N sighed in irritation and looked at the Bastard of the Barrel. “What?”
“I’d love to stay and watch the show but I’ve got business to attend to. Crowning myself King of the Barrel and all that. I’ll see you on Monday.”
Y/N gave him a wave and even a genuine smile. “I’ll see you Monday, Kazzie. I promise not to be late.”
When Kaz Brekker left the room, the sounds of Pekka Rollins’ screams echoed around the house.
The day after, Pekka Rollins’ body was found in some alley in the Barrel. Or, at least, whatever was left of it.
No one could identify who owned the torso, especially when his hands, arms, legs, feet and even its head seemed to have been scattered in the winds. The authorities investigated but without any markings on the brutalized body, they couldn’t pin it on anyone. The torso was a mess of scar tissue as though its skin was filleted and then healed over and over again. Whoever the man was did not have a happy ending.
A week after, word got out that Pekka Rollins had signed away his fortune to Kaz Brekker, naming him his heir as he retired in some faraway estate to spend time with his son. No one questioned the move and everyone assumed that those loyal to Pekka Rollins had followed him to whatever backwater the man decided to retire too.
No one dared to question why the Reaper was seen hanging around Kaz Brekker or why she began taking orders for him. As far as the citizens of Ketterdam were concerned, they had no reason to wonder and if anyone had made the connection between Kaz, the Reaper, Pekka Rollins and the dismembered torso, they were smart enough not to come forward.
And so, perched on the slat’s roof, Y/N watched the bustling city. Her hair whipped against the cold, howling, eastern wind, her face illuminated by the city’s nightlife.
She use to be told that revenge was a stupid thing to pray for as it often left the other party unsatisfied, a hole in their heart where the anger once reigned.
Y/N has found that to be a lie because for once in her life, she felt a sense of contentment.
“I don’t know about you, Brekker,” Y/N said as a way of greeting when she felt Kaz’s heavy presence behind her, watching her from the shadows. “But I feel at peace. It’s funny. People use to tell me that there would be no peace in revenge. That peace can only be found in forgiveness and in praying to the Saints. They were lying. Somehow, I feel safer knowing that there’s one less awful person in the streets of Ketterdam. That Pekka Rollins won’t ever hurt anyone the way he hurt you and me.”
“I thought my tale of woe was awful,” Kaz said sardonically. “But I’d take a dead brother over a dead mother and having Pekka as my father any day.”
Y/N turned and gave him a wry smile. “Ironic, isn’t it?”
Half of Kaz’s face was illuminated by the city’s lights while shadows danced on the other. He was dressed in his usually suave, business savvy style, his hair styled and his cane held carefully between his fingers, the crow head reflecting her face distortedly.
He looked handsome, clean. He watched her carefully as she lifted her hand and pushed her whipping hair behind her ear.
Gone was the sultry confident girl that strolled into Pekka Rollins’s home and killed him. Instead standing before Kaz was a simple girl who once dreamed of a better life for herself and for her mother. A girl who thought that one day, she may, perhaps, even meet her father and show him what he was missing, the daughter he could have had.
But those dreams were broken and the illusion of a life well lived faded with her mother’s life.
“Thank you,” Y/N said into the ringing silence that had formed between them. “For your help.”
“I didn’t do it for you,” Kaz answered, his face devoid of emotion.
Y/N shrugged. “I know. You are Dirtyhands after all, the ruthless Kaz Brekker. I’m not stupid, I know I got the shorter end of the stick when it came to our deal but still. Thank you. You gave me one thing I couldn’t get for myself. Peace. That’s worth more than any amount of money in the world.”
The distance between them had closed and Y/N hadn’t even realize who walked towards who. His body emanated warmth that she welcomed against the chilly night air. His dark eyes scanned over her face, looking for any hint of insincerity but he found none. Every word that Y/N had said was true.
“Reaper-“
“Call me Y/N, please,” She whispered, interrupting him. “I don’t think I want to be the Reaper anymore.”
“Oh?”
“I took up the name Reaper because I didn’t want Pekka Rollins to find out who I was. The young, innocent girl that I was died with my mother. It was only fitting I take up a different name, a fearsome one. One that would make men quake in their boots to hear. Now that my mission is done and Pekka is dead, I think it’s time for me to say good bye to the Reaper.”
“So no more killing then?”
She shrugged. “Who knows? Killing is the only thing I’m good at and maybe while I’m on a job, I’ll still be the Reaper. But, if I’m going to be a part of the Dregs, I’d want them to know me differently. I’d want you to know me differently. So call me Y/N.”
Kaz stayed quiet, watching her silently. She liked those silent moments between them, she even savored it. Something about the quietness that she experienced with Kaz was different. Maybe it was because of their shared experience but being alone in Kaz’s presence was, strangely enough, comforting.
Just when she thought that Kaz wouldn’t answer her and she should probably step away from their closing distance, he took a heavy breath and said in a quiet, almost whisper-like voice. “My real name is Kaz Rietveld.”
She gave him a wide smile, a warmth spreading through her. She doubted a lot of people knew Kaz’s real name and she pressed the information close to her heart, a secret that she would never share, just like how she knew Kaz would never tell a soul about her heritage, about who her father really was.
“It’s nice to meet you, Kaz Rietveld,” She held out a hand between them. For another second, she worried that he wouldn’t take it due to his aversion to touch.
After another, quiet moment, he raised his gloved hand and said in his raspy, gravelly voice. “It’s nice to meet you too.”
#shadow and bone x reader#shadow and bone imagine#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#shadow and bone#six of crowd#crooked kingdom#jesper fahey#waylan van eck#matthias helvar#nina zenik#grishaverse#ruin and rising#seige and storm#oneshots#imagines#drabbles
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Broken
A Kaz Brekker Fanfiction
!! Trigger warning: Su*cide !!
I've been wanting to write a one shot focusing on Kaz's mental health issues, because I think we get so hung up on his physical ailments that we truly don't recognize his trauma. It's a belief of mine that Kaz struggles with a type of undiagnosed depressive disorder, and people with that deserve more attention.
Dirtyhands, the bastard of the barrel, Haskell’s errand boy, demjin… Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason. These were the words that were heard on a normal day in Ketterdam. Everyone spread rumors about everything, but Kaz Brekker seemed to be the most interesting topic of conversation. He was an enigma… Something that was far too dark to be allowed to live, but yet he was alive, and he was stealing from merchers or selling something off for a bit of Kruge. He was the monster that parents told their children about, and he was the one thing even the richest in Kerch feared. It was no wonder so many rumors flew regarding him. What in the world could be more interesting than a demon who was walking around Ketterdam like he owned the place.
“I heard that he ripped a man’s arm out of his socket just because he found it fun!” A girl spoke in a hushed voice, her eyes wide with anticipation of her friend’s response. When the boy across from her let his jaw drop, it was evident that he was just as intrigued as she was.
“What?” The boy asked, and anyone in that club would have noticed the sparkle of excitement in his eyes. Everyone in Ketterdam loved a good story, especially one that made them afraid. “Who’s arm?”
“No one knows.” The girl shrugged. “But it probably wasn’t someone who deserved it.”
“Does anyone deserve what Kaz gives them?” He replied, and the girl nodded her head in agreement. For the first time in their conversation, her excitable face clouded over with fear.
“There’s a lot of people in the barrel that are worth avoiding, but no one’s like Kaz. He’s-” She trailed off, shaking her head to emphasize the emotion she was feeling.
The boy locked eyes with the girl. Passerby would have guessed that the two were dating, and they wouldn’t have been wrong. It was rare to find people who were happy in the barrel, but what did you cling to if not to each other? And Kruge, of course… That was the most popular item of demand. “He’s what?” The boy prompted his girlfriend, who seemed to finally realize that she had trailed off.
She lowered her voice, her eyes darting around the club as if she was hoping someone might overhear her. “I don’t know, Jonny. I’m just going to stay as far away from Kaz as possible. There’s something seriously wrong with him. He’s not made right.”
The boy nodded in agreement as the two of them continued to whisper on about the bastard of the barrel, unaware that someone could hear their every word.
---------------
“He’s not made right.” The words spewing from the girl’s mouth seemed to cut a dagger into Kaz’s heart. He wasn’t soft, and normally words like this just rolled right off his back. But it was something about the way she said it. She wouldn’t have cared if he had overheard her… In fact, she seemed like she wanted everyone to know how damaged he was. How absolutely broken.
Kaz heard the rumors… Of course he did. Dirtyhands, the bastard of the barrel, Haskell’s errand boy, demjin… Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason. He tried to filter them out of his head… To convince himself that he was so much more than the bastard of the barrel who killed people and ruined reputations just for a bit of Kruge. It ran so much deeper than that. He did it all for Jordie. He had to pay back a debt that he owed to the one person who had truly loved him… The one person he would do anything to get back. Jordie’s death was the reason he was the way he was. He didn’t want to make friends because he was terrified of losing them, not because he hated everyone on this planet. He killed people and stole from the rich because that was the only way he knew how to survive, not because he wanted to be richer than all of the merchers. He never meant to scare anyone, or to make people think he would hurt them just for fun. He was trying to make his way in the world, even if he was finding it harder and harder to keep doing that.
Kaz walked out of the club, no longer able to listen to the young couple talk about how broken he was. He knew he was broken… He didn’t need a Suli seer to tell him that. Normal people didn’t go around stealing and acting like they were the boss around here… Normal people didn’t exact revenge plans on the man who had ruined their life. No… normal people forgave and forgot. Kaz had tried to be normal as a kid. Tried to listen to rules and hope for the best, but that had all ended the day he had had to use his brother’s dead body as a life raft to cross the canal. After that, he had been on the way to becoming the person he was today. The man they called Dirtyhands…
But even if he was hardened, he wasn’t the cruel person they made him out to be. He had reasons for everything he did, and a part of him wondered if it was even worth it anymore. The words and the rumors and the way people treated him as if he was something to be feared. He didn’t show it, but it was eating away at him, and there was nothing left for him to live for.
Look at me now, Jordie… Is this really what you wanted me to become? Kaz clenched his hands into fists, not for the first time wishing that he was happy. He didn’t know what it was like to be truly happy… The only recollection he had of that particular emotion was when he was a small child. Those days were long gone, and the boy that had replaced that child was someone who the entire city of Ketterdam was afraid of. There was no part of him that wasn’t broken, and every single day Kaz tried to pick up the pieces of himself, but it was getting increasingly harder and harder to do so.
Why do I even try? The thought was pulsating in Kaz’s brain, and in that moment, death had never sounded more appealing. Why not? I have nothing left to live for. The thought seemed to make up his mind. The boy they called Dirtyhands made his way to the canal, watching as the water churned violently on this stormy night. It would be easy for him to drown, and what better way to go then the way his brother did.
The dark thoughts swirled through his head on repeat, each one causing him to be more compelled to jump. Would there be anyone out there who would even care if he was gone? Would anyone wish him goodbye or cry for him? Dirtyhands, the bastard of the barrel, Haskell’s errand boy, demjin… Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason. Those were the words that defined him now. A broken boy from the barrel who could never become something more. Kaz closed his eyes, letting the self-deprecating thoughts swarm in his mind like a murder of crows.
I’m sorry, Jordie. I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough. I just can’t do this anymore. Kaz took one deep breath… The last breath he would take in this world. He threw down his cane, walking closer to the water, and he took-
“Kaz?” A confused voice put Kaz’s plans to an end. He wanted to curse whoever had stopped him from freeing himself, but he was going to keep the vile words in his mouth instead.
“What?” He intended to sound annoyed, but he realized he just sounded tired. As if he had spent too much time fighting the world, and the world had always won.
“What are you doing out here alone?” The voice was familiar, and it was only when the person came into the dim light that Kaz saw who it was. Wylan was the demolitions expert he had hired for the Dregs, and the boy had a wide-eyed innocence that no one else in the barrel possessed. Kaz highly doubted that he had any idea what was going on here.
“Wylan, go back to the slat.” Kaz commanded, trying to sound more demanding. He was at his weakest right now, and he didn’t need some mercher’s kid to know that.
“You were about to kill yourself, weren’t you?” Wylan’s voice was soft and full of understanding, and for once in his life, Kaz was taken by surprise. He locked eyes with Wylan’s sapphire ones and saw something there that he hadn’t seen before. There was a deep rooted pain behind Wylan’s eyes that betrayed years of suffering and trauma, but what could have caused a mercher’s kid that much pain? Luckily, Kaz didn’t have to ask, because Wylan spoke before he got another chance. “My father… He- He wasn’t kind to me. He didn’t treat me right, and I think that caused me to hate myself. I’ve been in your exact position before. I was going to do it too, because it sounds so appealing. You won’t have to suffer anymore, and you’ll be free of whatever is troubling you in this life. Trust me… I know. But you have to try. It’s hard and it sounds impossible but maybe there’s a chance of things getting better.”
“Why?” Kaz asked, bitterness creeping into his broken voice. “No one’s going to care if I’m gone.”He expected Wylan to sugarcoat things and say that there were people out there who cared… That HE cared, but that type of response would only cause him to feel worse, because he knew Wylan would be lying.
“No one would care if I left either.” Wylan shrugged, walking up to the Kaz and sitting on the rough cobblestone that lined the city. “But what keeps me going is the thought that maybe someday someone out there will care. And if we leave now, we might miss out on that.”
Kaz looked at Wylan… Really looked at him. He must have been through a lot, and somehow, Kaz believed that if anyone knew what it was like to be ridiculed and talked about behind their back… It was Wylan. He had a feeling the two of them had more in common than they’d ever let on. “Thanks.” Kaz never thanked anyone. He made it his goal to accomplish everything on his own, but if it weren’t for the ginger-haired boy next to him, he never would have accomplished anything else besides his own death.
Wylan looked astounded at his words, and Kaz made it a goal to be nicer to him in the future. It was obvious that his pain ran deeper than he would have guessed. “You’re welcome. I’m just glad you’re ok now. It’s hard to keep living sometimes, but surviving is maybe the bravest thing you’ll ever do.”
Kaz thought over Wylan’s words as he admired his surroundings. Ketterdam was a dangerous place full of rumors and lies and hurt, but it was home. It had been home to him and Jordie, and he wanted to make sure it stayed that way. Dirtyhands, the bastard of the barrel, Haskell’s errand boy, demjin… Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason. Kaz would always hear those names, but maybe there was more to him then the broken pieces of a boy who had lost everything. Sometimes the bravest thing I can do is keep living. And that has to be enough.
#wylan hendriks#kaz brekker#kaz rietveld#wylan van eck#wylan van sunshine#six of crows#grishaverse#shadow and bone#ketterdam#oneshot#one shot#fanfic#fanfiction#jesper fahey#nina zenik#matthias helvar#inej ghafa#grishaverse blog#leigh bardugo#thank you leigh bardugo#i wrote a thing#fandom#i wrote some words
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