#grieve but don't lose yourself to despair | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chronic85doodler · 2 years

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These our notes I wrote in a journal a friend gave me when my mom went on Hospice. I share, because I take time to grieve and feel the sadness every anniversary of her death and maybe just maybe someone will find peace in the shared grief.

I used a microphone, so some lines are probably wrong.

These words are hard to revisit years, later if you are feeling anticipatory grief of loss right now. Please be kind to our heart and process only a little at a time.

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Waiting for loss is excruciating, like being on one of those carnival rides that shoot you straight up so fast you float in your seat and your stomach crowds your heart.

You stare at the world around you, so small and far away and wait for gravity to take hold and drop you like a stone. Your body full of fear and tension, you're every cell quivering with energy. Wanted to be over and fearful of the fall.

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I am not okay and that is okay. You don't need to ask if I am okay. I am strong, I will process this all.

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Mom is in hospice, and I'm happy she is not in pain anymore but I am terrified. "Is this lucid moment, her last?"

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Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we loved. Where there is deep grief, There was great love.

Unknown

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Anticipating grief is about fearing the future and living in the present. Grief of loss is missing the past, fearing the present and forging new futures

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What cannot be said will be wept

Sappho

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It appears I started reading books on grief around this time.

Stages of grief:

-emotional numbing plus disbelief

-deep yearning and urge to deny permanence of the loss

- disorganization and despair

- reorganizing and reintegration

Embodying a new role is the most difficult stage

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Grief is the price of love

unknown

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I will lose her and I will lose myself too. I will remain, I will grow but I will change from who I once was. The me that existed when she was alive will leave too.

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Be the things you love most about the people who are Gone.

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Be mindful of impermanence "this too shall pass"

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Grief is redefining yourself after a loss to identity.

Dad will no longer be a husband he would have to grapple with that loss of identity.

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5/23 11:37 a.m.: call me up for a mashed potato casserole

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5/23

Today was a good day. I have not cried today. Dad seemed freer or with his brother around. They traveled at the drop of a hat, from Hawaii. So where is Greg? (Greg is my uncle who didn't visit my mother the two weeks she was on hospice. Or much at all.

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Each new bit of news takes about 3 days to process. Be cognizant of where your mind and heart is. Slow down and breathe find the repetitious thoughts and acknowledge them.

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Uncle Dave and I both lost a parent at a young age same age maybe.

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Barbara moore at the hospital poking her head through the curtains just as I received news Mom was losing her battle. Telling me she is going to a better place. I was thinking "you're asking me to process a lot Barbara". But she was kind and gave genuine hugs.

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Mom would open her home to teens kicked out of their parents home

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My heart hurts and I have a lump in my throat. I can feel pressure on the back of my lungs.

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Me: I haven't started (an art project I organized) my mom has been sick

Bailey: Oh I hope she gets better.

Me: she won't. But thank you.

Sorry Bailey!

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Dad laughs at most of my jokes, Mom rarely does. But the day I said she was just like Deadpool, she laughed, Dad did not. (Terrible, but she was in the right place to laugh at her cancer a year before)

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Grief is a natural expression of love

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Is there anything more surreal than buying biodegradable glitter on Amazon to fulfill your mom's wish to have glamorous ashes?

(she chose the mermaid glitter)

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I wonder how loud I can scream before they call the police. They need to invent soundproof rooms with many glass objects to shatter.

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I don't know what will take her and that terrifies me. Lack of blood, lack of water, lack a food

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I just realized at 5/28 at no point this entire weekend did she ask us to get her something.

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Observations about myself:

Same people's concerned faces triggers my sadness. I think it's an empathetic response. Seeing Katelyn's happy face make me feel happy in response.

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Need to give Mom medicine at 8:15 a.m.

"Alexa what time is it?"

"It's 8:15 a.m."

"huh, wow"

"have a good morning".

"oh fuck you Alexa"

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June 3rd and 9:14 a.m. 2019 we lost her.

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Odd to feel that I must write or speak of my mother in the past tense.

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They don't tell you how long you must wait for all the bureaucracy to take effect.

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There are personal passages I am not ready to share.

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Notes from my memory. We put her perfume on her. I repainted her nails. My sister combed her hair. We grieved in the way you should.

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On June 3rd at 9: 14 am My mother lost her battle to cancer She was surrounded by family that loved her and showered her with words of comfort we don't know.

My mother was a warrior and a survivor. Those terms suggest that if you fight hard enough you'll win. But sometimes you don't, sometimes you're fighting to gain ground, to gain time, even if the end you will lose the war. My mother fought through four chemos, two surgeries and countless tests. and scars and infusions. And she still lost.

But she also gained. My mother survived 4 years with a cancer that kills most in two. My mother fought for every family vacation, every conversation, every chance to say I love you, my mother fought for every birthday, every phone call and every hug. We take our small victories everyday.

Time is limited, and not guaranteed. So don't waste your life on anger, or people who do not care for you. Spend every moment in his estatic joy of the preciousness of time earned.

As Mom did all she could to stay on this earth we too spent (it ends here).

#tw: cancer #tw: grief #tw: death #long post

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thetorturedarchives · 18 days

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Domino effects are so crazy because like your best and oldest friend will drop you on a random day in April and you will think your life is over because you are 20 years old and stupid, and you will spend your summer grieving, loathing yourself because you think everything anyone does is about you because you are 20 and stupid. Until, on a random day in November, you will decide to audition for a show you've made fun of for years for being cringe because you found it when you were 19 and pretentious and now you feel so cynical about the future as well as the present you feel as though you have nothing to lose. So you'll go out on a limb believing wholeheartedly you won't get it but somehow you will get cast as the character you have secretly related to more than any other character in any single piece of media ever created. And you will try not to get too excited because you know from experience that you can be intense and off-putting and you'll be determined not to fuck this up and give anyone any reason to alienate you, so you will go into rehearsals trying desperately to seem mysterious and aloof. But the people there will coax your head out of the sand -- slowly and falteringly, because you've learnt not to take smiles and kind words at face value -- and for a brief period you will think you've fucked it and your life is over (again) because you are 21 and stupid. And then you'll start burrowing back down until a hand on your shoulder pulls you out of the hole and into a hug.

It is in this moment of uncomplicated and sexless intimacy that you will start to re-evaluate all the times someone has reached for you and you've flinched away in terror or disgust, every time you've projected cruelty onto their words because you were raised to believe that anyone with a kind word to say to you is trying to deceive you, every time you've failed to show love and every time you've failed to receive it. And now, every time you start shrinking into yourself thinking, "they're better off without me, i'm not wanted here, i am repellent," they will draw you back out with their gaze, as though as long as they are bearing witness to you, you are a thing of value. And you will watch in disbelief as they bond and love one another so loudly and carelessly, and you will wonder why they aren't guarding themselves, why they're all so reckless with all their declarations. Don't they realise that it could all go away? Won't they feel foolish when it all goes to shit? And the more you hesitate to join them, the more they will want you to -- the more they will make it impossible not to love them, until your heart is so full to bursting that you sink back into despair, because this can only mean trouble. You will convince yourself that the brighter this love burns, the faster it will fade. You will throw yourself into every performance of that role you worked so hard for, knowing on some level this is what has granted you temporary access to these people and these feelings and that the better you do, the more invaluable you'll be. There must be something about you that they admire, and it's unlikely to be good looks or charm, so it must be your skills -- which you at least have some control over. As you perform the song from the show that everyone knows, about a boy who has been abandoned by his smoother, cooler, more popular friend, you will think about the friend you lost in order to access those same feelings of confusion, anger and self-disgust, only to realise that it all feels so far away now in the midst of everything else. So instead you will think about the friendships you are going to lose, undoubtedly, whether that's the day after the show closes or a month or a year or seven years from now, and you will cry onstage in front of your father who's sitting in the front row. When it's over, the audience will applaud, deceived into thinking you are an exceptional actor, and you will go backstage to be met with further praise from your castmates. You will still feel like a fraud. Despite this, you will soak in the warmth of their admiration and think, "I did it. Even if they never speak to me again, I have proven myself. I can die almost happy."

And then it will be almost a month later and you will be at the bar with these people again, and you'll catch yourself still theorising as to when it's all going to end. Will tonight be the last time we see each other? Will this be the last time I hug him, or her, or her, or him? And you'll realise that the thought of it no longer frightens or consumes you. "If I never see them again," you think, "I'm glad to have known them. I'm so privileged to have had this."

But part of you secretly wishes it will never end, because you're still 21 and stupid.

#blah blah blah.txt

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leonbloder · 1 month

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All Things End

There's an impermanence to things in this world that can be jarring sometimes. When confronted with the fact that nothing seems to last forever, we often despair and find hope hard to muster, despite what faith we may hold on to for comfort. But we should know that despite this impermanence, new things can be born when the old passes. There is an endless rhythm of dying and rising embedded in the universe. It's part of what Christians know as resurrection. The thing about resurrection is that dying has to happen before new life can happen. The dying part is what most of us want to avoid at all costs. To quote a line from a David Crowder song, "Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." It's tempting to want things to stay as they are if the way things are is great. Come to think of it, it's also tempting to want things to remain as they are, even if they aren't great when we are more afraid of the unknown than we'd like to admit. The other day, I listened to an album by the Irish artist Hozier, and one of the songs caught my attention. The song is called "All Things End," and the chorus goes like this:

There's something so beautiful and comforting about that line. It addresses the truth about the impermanence of things but doesn't lose hope. Knowing everything ends should never deter us from starting again, waking up, rising and rumbling, or simply living in joy.

[Seriously, if you haven't listened to Hozier before, you should. His work is inspired by religious and literary themes, ranging from folk and soul to blues, all in one album.]

Jesus often spoke to his followers about this very idea. He urged them to avoid becoming so attached to the material world that they missed out on the deep spirituality that impermanence, dying-and-rising, and resurrection had to teach them.

He told them they should not spend so much time fretting about what tomorrow brings when today has more than enough to occupy them.

These lessons echo Hozier's song and speak those same timeless truths in a way that might be more poetic but equally inspiring and encouraging.

There is no reason for despair when we are faced with impermanence. We love in the moment, for the moment. We open our hearts to what may be slipping away from us bit by bit.

And then we grieve for a time when what was is no more.

But we also should know that something new, restorative, life-giving, and hope-filled will be on the other side of our grief. This is all part of the eternal rhythm of resurrection, and we are a part of it, too.

So, if you are finding yourself feeling low because you are experiencing loss, and you are fearful of what comes next...

Or if you are coming to grips with impermanence, it is causing you to despair a bit because you can't see how or why you should welcome it and look for something new to be born...

I have this to say to you: Rejoice because you have an incredible opportunity to step forward into what comes next with great hope. We live in an impermanent world, but it also smacks of eternity to those willing to see it, hear it, and embrace it more fully.

You don't need to guard your heart against impermanence. The God who makes all things new will not let you down.

May the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and always. Amen.

#presbymusings #dailydevotion #leonbloder #dailydevotional #leon bloder #faith #spiritualgrowth #dailydevo #spirituality #christian living

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jackleviblog · 1 year

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Pet Loss Support: Coping with the Sudden Loss of a Pet

Introduction

The loss of a pet is never easy. They become members of our family and their passing leaves a hole in our lives. If you’re coping with the sudden loss of a pet, know that you’re not alone. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions after your pet dies. You may feel shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief. These feelings are all part of the grieving process and there is no “right” way to grieve. There are many resources available to help you cope with your loss. Here are some tips for finding support after your pet supply store near me dies: Topic: 5 Tips for Staying Motivated During Job Hunting Intro: Job hunting can be a long and arduous process. You send out dozens of applications and maybe get a few bites, but mostly it feels like you’re just spinning your wheels. It’s easy to get discouraged during this time, but it’s important to stay motivated so you can land the job you really want. Here are five tips for staying motivated during your job search: 1) Set small goals so you can track your progress.

Dealing with Grief

The death of a pet can be a very difficult and emotionally devastating experience. The sudden loss of a pet can be especially hard to cope with. Here are some tips on how to deal with grief after the sudden loss of a pet:

1. Acknowledge your feelings: It is perfectly normal to feel sad, shocked, and even angry after the sudden loss of a pet. Don't try to bottle up your emotions or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling them. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way feels right for you.

2. Talk about your pet:Talking about your beloved pet can be very healing. Share stories and memories with friends and family members who will understand and offer support.

3. Get involved in memorial activities: There are many ways to honour your pet's memory through memorial activities such as planting a tree or garden in their memory, making a photo album, or writing a letter to them. Doing something tangible to remember your pet can help you feel closer to them and aid in the grieving process.

4. Seek professional help if needed: If you find that you are struggling to cope with your grief, don't hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor who can provide support and guidance during this difficult time.

The Stages of Grief

When a pet dies, it is normal to feel sad, confused, and even angry. These are all part of the grieving process. It is important to allow yourself to experience these emotions and not try to push them away. Doing so will only make the grieving process harder.

There are typically five stages of grief that people go through when they lose a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial is a common initial reaction to news of a loss. It can be difficult to accept that your pet is gone and you may find yourself in disbelief. This is a natural defence mechanism that allows you to absorb the information and start to process the loss.

Anger is another common emotion during this time. You may be angry with yourself for not doing more or with others for not understanding how much your pet meant to you. It’s important to allow yourself to experience this emotion rather than bottle it up inside.

Bargaining is often seen as people try to come to terms with their loss. This may involve making promises to oneself or God in exchange for their pet’s life or health. For example, you may promise to never miss another vet appointment if only your pet can be okay again.

Depression is a stage that is often characterised by feelings of hopelessness and despair. This is a very normal part of the grieving process and should not be ignored. It’s important to

How to Cope with the Loss of a Pet

It's hard to cope with the loss of a pet. They become such an important part of our lives and when they're gone, it can feel like a part of us is missing. Here are some tips on how to cope with the loss of a pet:

- Acknowledge your feelings: It's normal to feel sad, angry, or guilty after your pet dies. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way feels right for you.

- Talk about your pet: Talking about your pet can help you work through your grief. Share stories and memories with friends and family members who will understand what you're going through.

- Stay connected to other animal lovers: Surround yourself with people who understand your bond with your pet food stores near me. Spend time with other pets or volunteering at an animal shelter.

- Seek professional help: If you're struggling to cope with your grief, seek professional help from a counsellor or therapist who specialises in pet loss.

Where to Find Support

When a pet dies, it can be difficult to cope with the loss. Many people feel a deep sense of sadness and grief. It is important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are many resources available to help you through this difficult time.

Your veterinarian can be a great resource for support after your pet dies. They can answer any questions you have about your pet's death and help you understand the grieving process. Many veterinarians offer bereavement counselling or support groups.

There are also many online resources available to help you cope with pet loss. The ASPCA has an excellent article on coping with the loss of a pet.Petloss.com is another great resource that offers support and understanding to those grieving the loss of a beloved pet.

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dogloveri23 · 3 years

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Hot or Cold

Pairing: diluc x reader/ kaeya x reader

Synopsis: unrequited love with diluc

Warning: angst, heartbreak, ignored, not fully proof read, part 2

A/n: here's you angst for the day! This has been unfinished in the drafts for a hot minute, so I hope you enjoy! Just started playing honkai, it's fun! There are no Husbando's but i'm playing for plot. Anyway as always you can add me on genshin!

Content belongs to @dogloveri23

Uid:627473190

You waited for the day Diluc would love you. You waited patiently, patience was what you believed would help you make your way into his aloof heart. Time you spent waiting for him to interpret your actions as more than just a friendly gesture, more than just an act of kindness. Everyone could tell, everyone but him, the object of your affection. Though people like Sara and Marjorie encouraged you, your patience ran thin. The Calvary captain Kaeya had become accustomed to you asking him for tips on how to win his brother over. To say that he hadn't been entertained by your actions would be half of a lie. But things have a way of taking an unexpected turn when one day, a Traveler from outside of Mondstadt happened to catch his eye. Over time, the blonde could converse with him freely at any time she wanted and even became as close to him as acting grand master Jean. As though Jean wasn't enough of a competition to you, you now had someone else to worry about. Although you were not a Knight of Favonius, you worked closely with them as an informant due to your studies involving hilichurls and K'haenriah. This made you close to Kaeya being the only other person that knew of his secret.

Kaeya's eyes flashed a look of pity when ever he saw you at the corner of the top floor of the tavern as he walked in. Though its not often that his brother falls in love, the man could not overlook the happiness his brother had when in contact with the blonde honorary knight. The pair had managed to build a bond that surprised even he himself. But the cost of his brother's happiness, was your despair. Word had gotten out about how Mondstat's No.1 one bachelor was spotted sharing an intimate moment with the savior of mondstat. Though you would not speak, the heartbreak was evident in your eyes. The orbs that once shone brightly held a dull look, your once chatty personality, morphed into one barely able to keep up a conversation. Believe it or not, Kaeya felt bad. He loved you, he felt like he was letting you slip within his grasp. He was fine with losing you to his brother, if it meant you were happy. But seeing you broken is a whole other story. You were never one to cry in public, but most people could see the look of hurt and betrayal in your eyes though you forced your face to tell a different story. The amount of make-up that you put on your sleep deprived eyes was scary. Though you cried yourself to sleep, Donna's loud wails really didn't help sooth the matter.

You unlocked the door to your apartment and walked in, closing the door behind you. "I was wondering how long it would take you to get back" A voice spoke from behind you, almost as instantly as you turned on the lights. "Scaramouche, is there a reason for you being here?" You ask with an eyebrow raised. "You're still a brat as always I see, the Tsaritsa has requested that I take you to Snezhnaya " He says. "Snezhnaya? What for? " You ask a bit shocked. " You look like you've seen a ghost. I can't say for sure because I don't question orders. But she said to tell you that you'll make it out alive" Scaramouche said as he inspected the apartment. "The Skirmishers will escort you to the port, I assume you don't have anything planned and if you do...... I hope it's not important " He says before he chuckles and heads out. The skirmishers grabbed you not too long after.

That week, no one could see any traces of you, considering that the fatui came really late at night, no one saw them take you out of the apartment. People though you were grieving and just didn't bother to disturb you. But as a week rolled into two, kaeya had enough, he made sure a knight was on patrol close their every single moment, yet they could detect no movement in your home. That day, he got permission from Grand master Jean to check on you. He rushed to were you lived expecting to have to break in. Only to find out the door was unlocked. Was it always unlocked? He would have to scold you about that when he saw you. But... Where were you? Kaeya couldn't find recent traces of you in the house. He decided to have a look around before he sounded an alarm. Your belongings looked intact and all you travel cases as well. It was safe to say that you hadn't run away on your own accord. The only other possibility would be......... you were taken.

Part 2 Part 3

#venti x reader #kaeya x reader #albedo x reader #genshin x reader #childe x reader #diluc x reader #genshin diluc #diluc headcanons #genshin impact #kaeya x you #scaramouche x reader #kaeya x gender neutral reader #kaeya fluff #diluc #diluc x you #diluc x reader angst #diluc angst #kaeya angst #genshin impact angst

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tartagliaxx · 2 years

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# 0.00 - THE END.

╰ Prologue to 'The Five Wishes You Fulfilled For Me Before I Died'

ㅤㅤㅤ— join the taglist | masterpost | next chapter

ONCE UPON A TIME, you died but before you did, an angel with a solemn frown walked towards you in an empty cathedral. he had been slow with his footsteps, allowing his worn boots to echo against the newly polished tiles of this sacred space. you knew aether — by heart and mind — and you were just as much as a sibling to him as his lost one was. the bond you two shared from all the countless days of travel made it awfully easy to spot his hesitance and lousily hidden despair. funnily, his pain hurt you more than the silence ever could and the sight of paimon's trembling lips had caused you to laugh emptily.

"i'm dying," you whisper but your words had made them flinch as if you had just screamed at the top of your lungs, "i'm dying, right?"

they need not reply.

you nod subduedly in recognition, fingers tapping nervous patterns on your blanket-covered lap as you racked your head for something that would ease the suffocating tension that sullied the unmistakable comfort and security your newly found family used to bring. then again, a sad smile plagues your ashen face, how can anything make this devastating situation any better? perhaps it was too much for you to ask them to pretend to be happy for your comfort but it is what it was. you did not fear death, or at least, not as much as you fear what you would be leaving behind.

"how long?"

the traveler swallows, none of his usual silently mischievous persona as his raspy voice finally pierces the air, "a week at most."

"that's good... that's..." you coughed, hiding the emotions that resurfaced all at once as paimon snapped into the bloodcurdling sob she was trying to keep at bay, "that's enough..."

the truth was death is ever-looming. it was an unmistakable fact that everyone tries to ignore in favor of dubbing their 'live your life to the fullest' mantras with some better-sounding euphemism. the bold ones; the braver ones, however, call it as is. the living dies every day in every second and in every corner of this wretched earth. numbers dwindle on top of every small flower and sometimes, the grains of time's hourglass fall like springtime storms as opposed to its occasional light rain showers. that is the inevitable and surrounded by people who constantly rushed in and out of battle, it was a fact that you had readily accepted for yourself as well.

of course, you could spend the rest of your seven days drilling this inside your head to muffle the very mortal noise that buzzed inside it. death was inevitable, yes, but you were still a young kid dying. you were dying. it's the real deal because bless them, you don't think the nuns have it in them to play a godawful prank on you. regardless of the whens and hows that no one, not even the archons, could answer, you knew that the pins and needles that climbed from the depths of your stomach to the edges of your throat were dread. acceptance of reality was separate from finding the world to be unfair. you will die and there's nothing you can do about that but repeat it over and over again until its gravity settles on your numbing insides. whatever loosely planned future you had in mind can be easily thrown with the heap of regret and hope that you had strewn behind your contracted pupils.

"why?" aether mutters as he sinks into his knees with a muffled thud, "why must i lose you too?"

that, you cannot answer and your chest tightens until you were clawing at the linen sheets until your fingers ached. you didn't know. you couldn't have known. the last thing you remembered was the elegant descent of powder snow as they adorned your head before panicked calls of your name and pitch-black voids. it was nothing at first and soon it'll be permanently nothing again. if you had known that the inevitable would come so soon then maybe you would've run away to spare this poor kid another grieving. maybe you would've been desperate enough to throw yourself into some mad scientist's dubious experiments or maybe you could've devoted yourself to alchemy and produced an actual, working philosopher's stone for yourself. the what-ifs filled your brain the same way ideas for your snowman-making contest did just half an hour ago. you suddenly missed that version of you and you realized that for those whose death has been marked on the boatman's calendar, mourning starts while you're still breathing.

when distant relatives died, those that remain mostly spoke of their last wishes at their funeral. their eulogies denote the way they have lived and touched others and the tears begin to fall for those who were not lucky enough to say goodbye. that's the only silver lining in your situation, you supposed. you could bid your farewells to those that you held dear, maybe buy them a parting gift, and heck, you might as well plan your own funeral and order all the necessities so they wouldn't bear the burden of it all. you know you're loved and you know that you will be missed but the last thing that you wanted was for them to be stuck in a limbo of loss.

but... how do you even begin to say that the end has come? do you wait until kaeya's inebriated beyond belief? do you mutter it as you disinfect diluc's wounds? do you just leave a letter at jean's office and have her do the hard work for you? none of it felt right but maybe that's because none of this felt right to you in the first place. you can't even pinpoint which stage of grief you're at because so many and so few thoughts ran through your head at the same time. most of them were the typical 'i wish i told them how much they meant to me' and 'i wish i had done more of this than that' so it also posed the question of 'would i be a different person if i had?' probably. you might have turned out to be a words of affirmation over acts of service kind of person (or vice versa) and maybe you might've learned how to compose songs and play the lyre for your significant other. you might've set yourself up for an even earlier death by trying to beat your allergies or maybe you could've lived longer if you had chosen to do your daily ten thousand steps instead of lounging around the room you rented with your commission payments.

why did that even matter? it's all in the past and none of it can be altered. now though? you don't even have much of a future to find the answers. if it was all pointless, you might as well live life as how you had because at least, you knew it was fun even if it was far from being perfect. then again, you sighed, unable to stop yourself from scratching at your scalp in utter frustration, there was an unspoken pressure to do something different because this was the all-or-nothing deal for you. actually... it's more of an all-then-nothing situation now that you thought about it.

three, two, one.

one, two, three.

you breathed, in and out, following guuji yae's guidance when aether was the one in some deep-set delirium from whatever happened in that factory with the balladeer. you thought it would snap you out of yours but aether's trembling grip did you better than that.

"i-i'm sorry i—"

"i should be the one saying that," you interrupt him as you moved to wipe his tears as you would with klee or diona when they get injured over something except... this was aether. he has never cried before yet here he was, pouring his heart out as he buried his face into the flesh of your knees, hands cutting the circulation off of yours because he half-believed that you'd slip away the moment he loosens it even by just a little.

"i don't— i can't— i—"

"hey... take your time... i'm here."

but not for long. eventually, he'd have to learn how to stand up alone all over again because neither you nor his sister would be there for him. he'd have to learn how to brush the knots off his hair and stitch the tears in his clothes together. he'd have to speak up more and be twice wary of strangers they encounter because you wouldn't be around to interpret his gaze or gauge other people's sincerity. aether would have to grow up again. he'd have to relearn how to live without someone to guide him along the way.

you carefully brush the stray hair strands off his face because suddenly, you were hyper-aware that in a few days' time, you wouldn't be able to do this anymore. the realization urged you to hug him tight and so you did. you tugged him up to sit by your side and wrapped your arms around him with a tenderness unknown even to you before this time. bones creaked in discomfort but you ignored it for the sake of aether who clung onto you desperately and paimon who had moved from her spot to nuzzle into the unoccupied crook of your neck.

there was this inazuman lullaby you loved when you were hanging out at gorou's camp during the rebellion. it was about a soldier coming home, battered and bruised and different because of the cruelties of war but he was alive and well enough to greet his family with a tender smile and a sincere 'i'm okay' or as you'd like to phrase it, 'i'll be okay with you by my side.' it was vaguely reminiscent of your situation, you think as you hum its soft melody to the traveler's ear. you can't outrun death and this war was not one you'll be able to win but it'll be okay. it'll be okay because you wouldn't be alone as you wait for your doomsday to come.

you will be okay and they will be too... with time.

a part of you was antsy as you sat unmoving, watching the clock's hand move from one to two-thirty. everything's too fast for someone with a ticking bomb for a lifetime and you were currently doing too little. you wanted to move — do something and not idle by, do something and not waste the time you didn't have. you wanted to move away but you can't find the strength to pry yourself out of aether's arms who had just cried himself to sleep. paimon has also settled into your lap instead, choosing to rest here instead of her mysterious pocket dimension. if you were her, you'd be scared to leave too. who knows if you'll pop back in only to find out that you're already a subject for condolences? for now... you decided to let them have this. you owe it to them while you still can.

when they wake up, you'll visit your favorite alchemist. maybe he'll have some answers for the questions that have left you at a loss.

╰ taglist

@dourpeep @justsidecharacterthings @nightfloweruponahill

#genshin #genshin impact #albedo #kazuha #xiao #childe #arataki itto #genshin scenario #genshin imagine #genshin angst #genshin x reader #genshin x y/n #genshin x you #gi x reader #genshin self insert #aether #the five wishes you fulfilled for me before i died #—𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 #—𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠

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chubbycatsupremacy · 3 years

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Request is still open!ㄟ(๑╹ω╹๑ )ㄏ

❖ Yandere Little Nightmares x Fem! Reader —《When you want to leave them》❖

Start with reluctant companionship, but then you and them get closer and you realize they don't want you to leave. But unfortunately you can't stay, you have your own goals, you decide to say goodbye to them...

☆『Six』☆

♡ Six loves you so much and she certainly won't like it at all. Six is very stubborn, she will insist on not let you go, she will scare you, warn you that she will do terrible things if you leave her, Six might even lower the me to beg you to stay. Certainly Six's actions will surprise you, because you don't think someone with high self-esteem like Six would lower herself for you, but that still doesn't stop you from resolutely determined to leave.

When you make that decision, Six will stare at you with a cold and deadly gaze, she will go mad, anger will scorch her mind, Six will do everything to make you stay, even if she has to injure you.

♡ "I really don't want to hurt you." Six muttered in a sad tone of voice as if she were feeling very guilty. Six tenderly caressed your cheeks, her love-filled gaze giving you goosebumps.

"You are the one forcing me to do this." Six said as she held up the sharp knife in her hand. The last thing you know is pain coming from your right leg...

☆『Mono』☆

♡ Mono will be confused and then fall into panic. He always knows that sooner or later you will have to leave, that's the fear that always haunts Mono. Since Mono hates loneliness, he doesn't want to lose you, especially after Mono realizes his feelings for you get bigger and bigger... Mono's secret love gradually turns into an obsession, then he realized he wouldn't be able to bear it if he lost you.

♡ Mono thinks you want to abandon him, betray him, and Mono will definitely stop you at all costs. Like Six, Mono is a stubborn person so he won't let you go. Mono has many ways to keep you with him, like locking you in a closed room. He will go find food for you, put lots of toys and books in the room so that you can entertain yourself in times of boredom, Mono will definitely take good care of you.

♡ With his superpowers, Mono can guarantee that you will always be safe, no one can rob you from him.

♡ When you try to escape from Mono and succeed, he will frantically chase you, every time you think you have escaped Mono's surveillance and are safe, Mono will suddenly appear from one of the The TV is near you and grabs you.

♡ "I said we were never going to be apart, remember?" Behind the paper bag, Mono smiles sweetly at you, before you can scream, he pulls you inside the TV, back to your "cage".

☆『Runaway Kid』☆

♡ Seven will think that you hate him, he blames himself for being too weak and useless, he doesn't have super powers like Mono and isn't as brave as Six, which is definitely the reason why you get bored and want to leave him.

♡ Seven will beg you to stay, promising you that he will become stronger and more useful, but you don't listen to Seven and still want to leave. That is when Seven is enveloped by despair, he is drowned in sadness and will go crazy, Seven can do everything he can to make you stay.

♡ Seven will let you go, he acts indifferent as if he is not grieving. But Seven will stealthily follow you and watch your every action like a stalker, he waits until you lose your guard before breaking out of hiding place and knocking you out.

♡ Seven locks you in a safe room, where only you and him are. Seven provides you with food, clothing, and even dust-covered toys he finds. Seven will not be angry even if you yell and try to escape, he will simply chain you in a corner and will probably starve you if you are too stubborn. Better yet, you should learn to behave obediently if you don't want to be left in hunger by Seven.

#little nightmares #mono x reader #six x reader #seven x reader #yandere #ln2 mono #yandere headcanons #little nightmares mono

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venushasvixens · 3 years

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Ch. 6 Confliction - Life is but a Dream (Spike Spiegel x Reader)

[A/N] I really want to give a huge, huge thank you to @tebdundy on tumblr for editing and dealing with my constant check ups and stuff, you are so amazing for helping me. It means a whole lot. You can find more of me on instragram, wattpad, and AO3 (under the same username). Okay, onto the chapter!

WARNING: a lot of angst, rejection

Your ship was on fire. Every belonging, every single thing you had worked so hard for was gone. Your guns, clothes, even appliances you had never given a second thought, gone. And it hit you like a shot. The moment you took in that your ship was on fire, you shut down. Your mind began to wander. What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me?

The next thing you could remember was Spike shaking your shoulders to snap you back to reality. You struggled to form a response. You tried to open your mouth, give some indication that you could feel and see him. In reality, the only thing you could really feel was a dull ache in your spine, each vertebrae mounting with an odd, uncomfortable pain.

The shock was setting in.

You blinked, eyes glassy as you watched firefighters put your ship out of her misery. There was no noise. You couldn't feel your fingertips, your face. You couldn't feel anything. Just that dull ache creeping up your spine.

Thoughts spiraled through your aching head, moving so quickly you could hardly keep up. It felt like you were at war with yourself, trying to keep yourself conscious and cognizant of the situation, while you sank deeper and deeper into your head.

This is just a small hiccup.

Just an obstacle that needed to be conquered, a hurdle you needed to jump over.

This is all your fault, you’ll never bounce back.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Maybe if you hadn’t been so stupid.

You always ruin everything for yourself.

You might as well give up now.

There’s no coming back from this one.

You’re a disappointment.

You’ve failed.

It ate you up like a starving monster devouring a poor soul who crossed its path. Dark tendrils of shame, anger, and sadness weaved into your head, wrapping around your mind and tightening with every passing second. You were going to drown.

Push it down. Push it down. Grieve later. Think now. Grieve later. Think now.

You needed to figure out what you were going to do next. You needed to get out of your head. You desperately tried to claw your way out of this state. Taking a deep breath, you tried to make sense of the chaos around you.

You were sitting on the ground, a blanket draped over your shoulders. You felt the cold stone of the dock under your legs, felt the itchiness of the thick wool wrapped around you. You watched as Jet ran over to Spike, shouting over the sounds of panic that had flooded your head just moments before. Spike was staring at you, his face riddled with concern. You heard him call your name. You didn’t respond.

It was usually so hard to read him, to figure out what he was feeling. But now, it was so incredibly clear. You saw the emotions flashing in his eyes as he called for you again. Loss, guilt, despair, mania, heartbreak.

You felt Jet’s strong hand on your shoulder, shaking it gently.

"Hey kid, you okay?" He said, his brows furrowed.

You swallowed. Do not cry. Do not cry. Wait until you're alone. Push it down.

"I think...I think— a glass of water."

"How much do you have?"

"About 200,000 woolong."

"Well, that ain't much."

"Well, I wasn’t expecting to lose everything I own."

You sipped your coffee slowly as you, Spike and Jet discussed a solution to your giant, unavoidable problem. No matter how much you told them that you were okay and could take care of yourself, they insisted on helping you. Deep down, you appreciated it, because you definitely weren’t okay and wouldn’t be able to take care of yourself, no matter how much you tried to convince yourself.

You picked at the eggs on your plate, imagining sleeping in your own bed right now. Wearing your favorite shirt. Eating breakfast in your small kitchen. Watching the morning news in your room. Maybe have someone with you, showing him everything you owned like an excited child because you were so proud of how far you came from your first bounty to now. Things you’ll never be able to do again.

You felt silly and materialistic, mourning the loss of your belongings. But when you worked so hard for something you wanted for so long, building it up over the years, and losing it all in seconds? It's very hard to not mourn.

You had tried to pack light, to not become attached to material possessions. That was one of the first things that you were told by other bounty hunters. When you had first considered entering this god-forsaken profession, you sought out the help of any bounty hunter you came across, trying to glean any useful knowledge from those more experienced than you. You got too comfortable and started to ignore that piece of advice, and now you’re crying over some clothes and dishes.

But your keepsakes, your souvenirs. Ties to your troubled past. Memories of old friends, places, and happy times. Gone, burnt to a crisp.

"How much is a night stay here in town?" You spoke up, interrupting Spike and Jet’s bickering.

"You don't even want to know. The further you go into the city, the worse the rates are. I looked at a couple of places, and it does not look good." Jet replied, taking a sip from his mug.

"And staying on the streets isn't too good either," Spike muttered.

"Wasn't planning on it, but thanks for the advice." You snapped back.

The tension was thick in the air between you and Spike. Maybe it was because of your interrupted intimacy from the previous night, or the fact that neither of you had slept for the past 24 hours. But you couldn't understand why he was taking his frustration out on you. You hadn’t planned for your ship to burn to ash. You didn’t want to be a burden.

"I have a suggestion. Well, more of a proposal." Jet said.

You perked up. "And what's that?" Even before Jet could say anything, you already felt guilty about it.

"You can stay with us on the Bebop until you find your feet again."

You breathed a sigh of relief.

"Do what now?!" Spike hissed softly.

"But, "Jet held up his hand to Spike, who sighed loudly, annoyed. "I have a few conditions."

It kind of pissed you off how Spike was reacting to all of this. Actually, kind of was an understatement. It really pissed you off, almost offended you on how he was acting. Just a few hours ago, he was desperate to get into your pants, and now he was throwing a hissy fit at the thought of you living on the Bebop. Isn't this a good thing, you being able to spend more time together?

"Just contribute to the Bebop. Whenever you cash in a bounty, set some aside for fuel, food, all that good jazz. Maybe cook dinner sometimes, or clean the bathroom. Other than that, don’t worry about it." Jet said.

A cloud of suspicion settled across your thoughts.

"That's it?" You asked, “Are you sure?”

Jet chuckled. “There’re other rules, but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I have a feeling you know how to respect other people’s spaces and belongings. Just don’t do anything stupid.”

You glanced at Spike, who was leaning back, staring out the window. He met your gaze, eyes unreadable once again. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He felt like an entirely new person, one who just wanted you to piss off and leave him to his business. You tried to shrug off his sudden coldness, but it bothered you. It stung.

The walk back to the Bebop wasn't too bad, but trying to initiate a conversation with Spike was difficult. All he did was grunt in response, a few "oh yeah”s and “huh”s thrown in for good measure. You hoped it was because he was tired, and not that he was pissed off that you were going to be invading his space.

The guilt was heavy on your shoulders. You certainly weren’t a freeloader, but you couldn't help but feel like you had already overstayed your welcome. And you haven’t even stepped foot on the ship yet. You didn't want Spike to be distant from you. Even though you had just met him, you wanted him to be closer to you than anyone else. You wanted to reach out to him, hold onto him and never let him go. Instead, he was pushing you away.

You weren’t good with rejection. Rejection defined who you were today and had been a driving factor to almost everything in your life. You had managed to take ahold of those haunting feelings and build them into a hard shell to protect yourself, vowing to never show your vulnerability or true feelings. You had pushed the old version of you so deep down that it would never escape. You had been doing so well, but the last few days had shown you that the hard work you put into being a completely emotionless bitch was all for nothing.

Jet was going into an extensive explanation of the ship, where you could take a shower, where your room was. He explained that the Bebop was once a fishing ship from Ganymede, and how he had fixed it up to be a high-tech, fully functional ship of today (his words, not yours).

"She operates well when treated right. However, some of our crew members would say otherwise." Jet grumbled. "Speaking of, did Faye tell you-"

"I haven't seen Faye since two days ago. Her ship was still gone, the last I saw." Spike muttered, throwing his jacket over his shoulder. "Besides, why do you care?"

Jet held up his hands. "It was just a question. Jeez." Spike muttered something in response.

You suddenly remembered the bounty on Faye’s head, but it didn’t really matter right now. That was all on the back burner for now, seeing as every plan you could think of required a ship that wasn’t the one Faye was living on. And you really didn't want to make enemies of your new crew this early on. All you cared about right now was taking a shower to wash all of last night's events off you and getting some shut-eye.

You wondered whether Jet was aware of your previous intentions of collecting the big bounty on Faye. You had asked him if Faye was joining the group for dinner last night, with no context. There was no answer, but that also could mean he took in what you said and was processing what you really intended to do if Faye did show up at the dinner. Remembering your first meeting with Spike, he told you clearly he doesn't care if she got captured or not. So you have two people who are on opposite ends of the discussion. One is in charge of the Bebop and which bounties to pursue, and the other one likes to smoke and philosophize.

The obvious correct choice was clear, but you decide to choose the latter.

"When you come in, don't be too surprised by some of our unique characters." Jet remarked. "You've already met us two, but there are a few more along the way."

"I like to think I'm also a unique character, so we should get along." You replied happily, a tint of exhaustion underlying in your words. Spike scoffed, walking over to open the small hatch.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You snapped, a full night's worth of frustration threatening to overflow in the form of obscenities and insults.

"Are you talking to me?" Spike said over his shoulder, punching in the security numbers on the small pad. The hatch to the side of the Bebop creaked open, landing on the stone pier with a hard thunk. "I’m tired. And when I’m tired, I don’t put my energy into pulling punches and being nice.Got it, (Y/N)?"

You bit down on your tongue. "Never mind. What were you saying, Jet?"

You could hear a quiet, "Yeah that's what I thought." echoing up into the Bebop. Rolling it off your shoulders, you turned your focus to Jet as you both walked into the ship.

Opening a round metal door, you looked up to see a dimming bulb illuminating the cylinder passage. The walls were yellowing, patched with dark, aging metal, and littered with hazard signs. Jet walked over to a ladder bolted on the wall and began to climb.

"I'll tell you, you’ll get a real workout just getting around this ship." Jet laughed, his voice bouncing off the walls.

"Are there a lot of these around the ship?" You said, following.

"Oh yeah, plenty. But if you stay in the living area, you don’t really need to worry about them. I'll show you around anyway, just in case we need you to get something. We wouldn’t want you to get lost." Jet smiled.

He hopped into the center gravity passage, holding out his hand to you. You grabbed it gratefully, not realizing how much of a drop it was to the floor of the tube until you looked back down.

"Oh damn." You exclaimed, looking down. "That's pretty far."

"It’s just 15 feet. Your eyes must be playing tricks on you." Jet chuckled, closing the metal door. "Alright, so this is the lower gravity passage. It leads to the living area, that includes bedrooms, kitchen and living room, and to the storage area."

Spike was nowhere to be seen in the passage. You assumed he was already in the living room, smoking before heading off to bed. Jet opened a sliding metal door marked “Storage”. You peered into the dark room.

"This is where we keep extra ammunition, supplies, and medical boxes.”

Jet pressed a button next to the storage door, one that opened to the living area. The walls were a gradient blue color, illuminated with warm lighting. The staircase was a dark, metallic gold leading to a dark blue platform. On the floor was a yellow couch, and across from it was a single matching seat. In between them sat a knee-level coffee table with a holoTV, a computer, and someone's breakfast. Jet walked in first, stepping down. "This is the living room.” He pointed to the set on top of the table. “You’re welcome to use the holoTV and the computer, everybody shares them.” He chuckled. “I’m not sure whose breakfast that is, but don’t touch it. People are pretty possessive of food on this ship.”

Right as you took a step in, you heard the light pattering of paws bouncing into the living room. From a staircase leading down, two small light brown ears popped up. Then two big brown eyes peered over, searching for the source of commotion in the room.

"You guys have a dog?!" You asked, practically jumping down the stairs. The small Welsh corgi was seemingly just as excited as you were, running and tripping up the stairs to meet you. You extended your hand, letting him sniff you.

Jet chuckled. "Cute little thing, isn't he? His name is Ein."

"Oh, he's adorable. Who’s a good boy?" You cooed, bending down to rub Ein's ears. He stretched his head out, his little stumpy tail going a hundred miles a minute.

"And usually tagging along with Ein is-" Jet was interrupted by the pounding footsteps coming from downstairs.

"They're back, they're back, they're back!" a scrawny red-headed kid rejoiced, waving their arms about. "Ed was worried, but now Jet’s back, and Ed is okay again!"

The kid's smile stretched from ear to ear, clearly more than ecstatic to see Jet back home. They grabbed the plate from on top of the table and plopped down next to a box with a computer on top. They gobbled up what was left of their food, before bending their head back to get a look at you. "Who are you?"

"This is (Y/N), they're going to be staying on the Bebop for a little bit." Jet replied, walking over to the table. He turned back to you. "Ed is a computer genius and a damn good hacker. You ever need someone to work out some malicious malware, Ed’s your girl."

“Hi, it's nice to meet you." You said, giving Ed a small smile and a wave. She scampered over to you on all fours with her behind high in the air, chattering to herself.

“Stranger, changer, danger! Hihi...”

You laughed nervously, glancing back at Jet, who was standing with his arms crossed, looking amused. The girl stopped at your feet. “Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the Fourth,” she said matter of factly. Ed grabbed your hand and sniffed. You had met some oddballs in your time, but this one took the cake. She made a face and jumped back, her hands covering her nose and mouth. "Ed thinks you stink!"

You sucked in air between your teeth. Did you really smell that bad, or was it another talent of this child prodigy? That’s so embarrassing. "Is it that noticeable?"

Jet half-smiled. "Doesn't bother me none. Thought I wouldn’t mention it till you could do somethin about it."

He was just going to let you find out later? No wonder Spike didn't want to be anywhere near you. It wasn’t even your first day of being on the Bebop, and you were not making a great first impression.

"Let me show you the kitchen." Jet motioned for you to follow up a small set of stairs through a large circular door frame leading down a small hallway. You turned into the kitchen, completed with a fridge, stove, oven, and a small countertop. The kitchen was dark, the only light in the room was the dimming orange ashes of Spike's cigarette falling on the floor. He was leaning against the countertop, staring down at his cig.

"There you are, Spike." Jet flipped the lights on, revealing a slightly disorderly kitchen. Spike winced, covering his eyes.

"Jesus, Jet give me a warning next time," Spike mumbled, his voice deep and raspy. Your annoyance and anger at him suddenly disappeared. That voice. You wanted to hear that voice again. You wanted to put your hand on his chest and feel the vibrations of that voice. Every time you tried to find some way to be mad at him again, he just had to stand there, looking cool and intoxicatingly seductive. You craved him like an alcoholic craved whiskey.

"Are you finished with the grand tour?" Spike asked, his heavy-lidded eyes looking away from you and Jet.

"Not yet, but I was hoping you could finish it."

"I’m not in the mood for hospitality right now. I'm going to bed." Spike said, making his way to the door.

"Just show her on the way there. And be nice, she's our guest." Jet warned, sorting the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.

"Yeah, show me some respect." You teased. But Spike clearly was not in the mood. Instead, he turned away from you, rolling his eyes, and walked out of the kitchen

Jet patted you on the back. "Give him a minute, he'll come around."

"Thank you for everything, Jet. It means a lot." You smiled.

"Don't sweat it, kid. Go ahead and get some rest. If anything comes up, I'll send the cavalry after you." He said, gesturing to the living room.

You took a deep breath before heading out of the kitchen. Ed was sitting motionless in a trance-like state, her eyes engulfed with giant goggles. Ein lay peacefully on the couch, watching as you followed Spike down the steps into the living room.

This was the first time you and Spike had been alone since last night. Just hours ago, you were definitely not afraid to touch him. Now, you didn't even want to take a step near him.

"Are you coming or what?" Spike called out impatiently, already halfway downstairs to the lower part of the living area. "I don't have all day."

"I'm here." You raced over, gliding your hand down the rail. Spike continued his way down, turning around a corner. The walk down the hallway was quiet, the silence uncomfortable. Neither of you wanted to do small talk. Spike probably didn’t want to talk at all, but you had to know. You had to ask him.

"Spike?” you asked quietly. You wrung your fingers around each other anxiously. Spike stayed silent, his quick pace faltering before coming to a stop in front of a door.

“Do you remember what happened last night?” You finally asked. Spike seemed to tense up, his jaw clenching. Deciding to press on further, you continued.

“I umm,” you mumbled, “I may have been drunk and you probably were too, but why are you so cold to me now when we were literally about f-“

“This is the bathroom. It has a tub and a shower.” Spike interrupted. Your heart dropped to your stomach. So much for answers. “There should be some clean towels. You can wash your clothes upstairs, Jet can show you where the washer is. Your room’s gonna be the first door you see when you reach the top of the stairs. It’ll be all yours till you leave.”

Spike puffed out a cloud of smoke before making his way slowly down the hallway. You looked at him in disbelief. He definitely remembers. And he’s rejecting it. You and him. Cutting it off before it starts, pushing you away.

You stepped into the bathroom, letting the door shut behind you before tears of anger and resentment started to fall down your face. How can you feel so much emotion for someone who shows none? You lost your home and belongings. You didn’t want to lose anything else.

After a long hot shower, you stood in front of the mirror, combing your fingers through your hair. You were going to have to get essentials eventually, a comb and a toothbrush would be nice. But that would have to wait. You rubbed circles on your temple, your impending exhaustion headache approaching fast.

After drying yourself off, you slipped your old clothes back on. It felt awful putting dirty clothes on your clean body, but you were not about to walk around the ship in a towel. You had already dug yourself a deep enough hole with Spike, you didn’t want to traumatize Jet, the kid, or the dog.

As you wrapped your hair in a towel, you heard shouting from outside. You combed through who it could be. Spike and Jet. Or Jet and Ed. Or Spike and Ein, or Ein and Ed. There were quite a few combinations.

“First fight on the Bebop.” You muttered to yourself. “So excited.”

This was so ridiculous, you couldn’t help but giggle to yourself. All you had to do was walk past and not get involved. Unless it was about you, then you would at least try to defend yourself. You opened the door, listening intently.

“What the fuck-“ more shouting. “And you bastards decide to tell me now?!” A shrill female voice was yelling. A table got knocked over. You could hear stomping and more shouting. “Well, where the hell are they?!”

Whoop, time to hide.

You shut the door and the latch clicked with a loud cathunk. You hoped they hadn’t heard it. You were down a big hallway, there was no way that they could’ve heard it. You had a pretty good idea of who the screaming was coming from, and you were not ready to meet her right now.

The sounds of stomping grew louder, getting closer to the bathroom door. Your fight-or-flight mode started to set in. With how pissed she sounded, stomping and roaring, this may as well be a life-or-death situation.

You rolled your neck, stretching your arms out. If you needed to defend yourself, you were going to have to do it bare-knuckled. No guns, knives, bars of soap, nothing. You flexed your hands, cracking your knuckles. You planted yourself in front of the door. The footsteps outside stopped. This was it! You were ready for anything.

Bam!

The door slid open. Faye Valentine stood on the other side, hands on her hips. She was panting from her ranting and raving in the other room. She smiled, her eyes a little too wide. You couldn’t tell if she was happy, crazy, or surprised.

“Hi there, you must be our newest crew member! My name is Faye, it’s so nice to meet you, girly!” She beamed, her eyes manic.

Not the response you were expecting. “It’s nice to meet you too, I’m (Y/N).” You held out your hand. She took it, her soft palms gripping your hand a little bit too tight. She shook your hand. She kept shaking. And shaking. You pulled back, trying your best to put on a friendly face.

“Sorry if I’m hogging the bathroom, there was an accident last night and I was so dirty, I just had to have a shower.” You smiled, stepping to the side.

“Oh no! You’re totally fine. I was just looking for the toilet, I guess I got lost.” She replied, waving her hand.

“The toilet’s just across the hall from your room, how long have you been here-“ Jet was cut off by Faye’s elbow jabbing him in the ribs. Jet grabbed his side in pain, giving you a half-smile.

“Well, I’d love to chat, but I’m really tired. I’m going to go get some sleep.” You smiled apologetically and gestured to the stairs.

Jet and Faye’s voices mingled with each other, overlapping into a confusing symphony of hospitality and kindness.

“Yeah, no worries!”

“Call us if you need anything!”

“We’ll be right here!”

Smiling, you gave a small wave, turned around, and basically sprinted down the hallway to the living room. You heard Faye hiss, “You didn’t tell me she was a girl, dumbass.”

“I was going to before you blew up at me. If you had let me finish, I would’ve. Why are you so pissed off about another crew member, anyway?”

“I’m tired of all the men on this ship, I didn’t want another one. And I thought they were going to take my room...”

Their bickering trailed off as you climbed up the two sets of stairs to your new room. Ed was still on the floor with her goggles on, humming to herself, seemingly oblivious to the fight that had just happened. Ein cautiously sniffed the overturned table, before settling onto the floor next to Ed, resting his head on her lap. You would’ve said goodnight, but they seemed to be in their own little world and you were happy to let them stay like that.

When you reached the top of the stairs, you saw two doors directly across from each other, one on each side of the landing. Spike had said it was “the first door you’d see”, but that wasn’t particularly helpful in this situation. Hoping you were correct, you quietly walked over to the door to your left, pressing the button to open it.

Your breath hitched as the door opened to see Spike fast asleep in his bed. He snored lightly, sleeping so deeply he didn’t hear the hiss and clink of the door opening. His arms were behind his head and the steady rise and fall of his bare chest was hypnotic. Even asleep he was really, really attractive. You fumbled over yourself trying to shut the door. It finally latched, and you let out a breath.

Sighing, you turned towards the door behind you. This one had to be it. You opened it to see a small, sparse room. Closing the door behind you, you flipped on the light. Pushed up against the far wall was a simple bed, and to your right was a small desk built into the wall with an old armchair next to it. There was a closet in the far corner, but the door was locked and some large boxes were stacked in front of it. They must not get many guests, it seemed like this room was mainly used for storage.

Feeling the ache of exhaustion overtaking your body, you flopped onto the bed. It was surprisingly soft, with a pillow and tan comforter neatly folded on top. You didn’t know how to thank Jet for being so kind and accommodating. Next time you cashed in a big bounty, you were going to set aside some woolongs to buy him a thank you gift.

On top of the pillow, you noticed a pair of black shorts and a yellow button-up. Pinned to the shirt was a note, clearly written in a hurry.

Some clean clothes. You smell like shit.

-S

You laughed. He’s straight-talking, that’s for sure. You slipped on the shorts and buttoned the shirt halfway up. Spreading out the comforter, you crawled underneath. You were already half-asleep, and thinking about how breathtakingly attractive Spike looked asleep relaxed you even more. Your mental snapshot of your accidental encounter was glued to your eyelids. It was never going to happen again, but you got to have one taste of beauty while here.

You gently wrapped your arms around your pillow, thoughts of Spike disappearing into clouds of empty dreams. It was so much better to fall asleep to thinking of someone, rather than no one at all.

And even though it was going to hurt, you would do it again and again.

[A/N] all I got to say is fasten your seatbelts for the next chapter, slut puppies.

#faye valentine #cowboy bebop #90s anime #jet black #radical edward #adult swim #toonami #ein #fanfiction #spike spiegel x reader #spike spiegel #see ya space cowboy

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jay-and-dean · 3 years

Text

Worse

Dean x reader

Summary : Is it possible to love someone so much, you just wish you’re lucky enough to die first ?

Warnings : This is ANGST. I’m not kidding, this is panic attack, suicidal thoughts, grieving, light thought of murder, borderline domestic violence angst. This is kinda Dark and be careful that it’s not too triggering for you, please.

Wordcount : 1.8 k

Note : This is my fic for @negans-lucille-tblr‘s 6k “roll the dice” writing challenge. My genre prompt was Angst (I think you got it by now) and my prompt was “I’ve been pulling you close but pushing me further”, it’s blod in the fic.

December is a harsh month for me, so here is a harsh fic.

Jay’s Masterlist

_____________________

Dean did it again.

He swore on his life he wouldn't, you should have known that it meant nothing.

How fucking ironic it is ? Dean Winchester swearing on his own life that he will try to protect it, that he won't shield every person on Earth with his soul and body.

You're holding your painful chest, sitting on that stupid bed in this stupid motel room where nothing makes any sense anymore because your world is crumbling again. And your mind is going all the way down its own spiral of pain, the worst there is.

Your breath is short and your thoughts go so fast, a super computer giving you all the details of the movie that will be your life once Dean is gone.

The silence.

The implacable silence in the bunker, the void left by the end of his voice, the kind of silence that hurts so much it could kill you, harassing cruelly, again and again, with no break at all until you're ready to open your skull on a wall to make it stop.

That kind of silence.

The empty bed back home, the empty room. Your mind makes emptiness rain on you : Empty kitchen and no bacon, no joy ever, no sex, no one holding you and telling it's going to be okay. No one really understanding you and no hero on Earth, no butterflies ever again. No reason to live. Empty heart. Empty life.

Empty fucking world.

In the middle of this chaotic din, you think of his toothbrush, of throwing it in the trash because he won't need to clean his cute, going slightly inward, teeth ever again. Of his clothes waiting on the closet forever, and how fast the smell on it will fade.

You think of the nights spending screaming for him to come back because nothing is bearable without him, nothing... Screaming until you can't, strangling yourself with sobs, knowing it won't help because begging, threatening and bargaining won't change a thing.

And the days being even worse.

You think of the moment you will manage to forget the loss just enough to breathe, for a second, sitting on your bed, imagining he is just gone to the bathroom and that he will show up, pass this door again... Then remember he will never look back in your eyes again, fall even harder... And now you want to die.

Right now.

Even if all this is not real yet, even if Dean is still alive, you just want to die. You need to stop feeling anything forever now, just not exist because you don't want to be here when all of this happens.

And it will happen.

He just proved it. Your love for him doomed you and you're done praying that anyone listening would let you take his burdens...

Your thoughts shatter when he opens the door of the motel room and walks in with his heart beating and his chest breathing, blood running through his veins... But seeing him is not a relief this time, not anymore, and the deafening fear is still compressing your ribs with its vise talons.

"Baby" he sighs and you whimper at the pain of thinking one day you won't hear it anymore.

Everything hurts.

Until now, you always managed to calm after Dean almost died. It always took a few days being extremely anxious, living in the shadow of fear, feeling like nothing had any meaning anymore, but he always managed to make you whole again. With empty promises that he won't leave you, that he will always be by your side...

Bullshit.

Last time, the unbearable despair of knowing he will go before you didn't leave you completely, and you still suffer this horrible void caused by the idea that nothing worth living, if it is not forever.

This time, you know it, that horrible sorrow won't leave you. Not ever.

"Dean, it's over."

His big green eyes widen and his large body comes in front of you. His beloved body that you will have to burn one day, watching it as flames eat his freckled skin and flesh, as they turn to nothingness the man you love.

"Don't say that" he groans. "Baby, look at me. I didn't know for the metal thing."

You close your eyes, seeing the vampire impale him on this stupid bar again and again and it's like the spikes goes through you too.

"You know this one is not on me" he sighs. "It's not like I did it on purpose !"

"This one" you mutter his words in echo. "Maybe if you hadn't worn my heart out with all the times it was actually 'on purpose' like you say..."

He squats in front of you but you can't look at him. He was ready to say goodbye... Again. He was ready for you to lose him, who cares if you are ready or not.

"Don't say that..." he tries to touch your cheek with his fingers, the ones you held while performing that horrible spell to save him at Death's door.

To save him against his will.

But you flinch away and repeat.

"It's over. I won't watch you die."

"I won't, Baby" he tries again but those lies are hollow and your soul burned out.

You get up and pace the ugly room, unable to bear his face so close after seeing it turn dead pale once more.

"You know how lucky you are ?" you say in a broken voice, way too sad to cry. "You're obviously ready to die, to leave me. You will be the one leaving first and th-that is the luckiest place..." he looks down and takes a loud inhale. "You're so fucking ready to quit."

"I'm not" he states but you ignore his words, they are just wind now.

"But I'm not" you continue, seeing tears fill his perfect eyes. "I can't... O-one day I will have to burn your body, Dean... How selfish is it ? Have you ever thought of what happens after your stupid blaze of glory ?" he keeps his eyes down without saying a word and you could hit him, you want to but instead you let out a desperate strangled scream of pain. "HOW FUCKING SELFISH ARE YOU ! YOU'RE WILLING TO SAVE EVERYBODY BUT ME !"

The burning rage rises in your soul, in your body, and it's like flames were consuming you too, like you were on a stake. Your skin is burning, blood boiling and your heart feels like ember.

"Y/n" he tries, paralyzed by his inability to face this paradox :

If he keeps trying to save you and everybody else with his life, it will kill you ; but if you die, he still burns.

Is it possible to love someone too much ? Is it possible to actually die of love ? Is it possible that it is too late, that you're already dead...

"I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE YOU" you scream and a costumer of the motel yells for you to shut up behind the wall, you couldn't care less. "FUCK YOU DEAN WINCHESTER !"

He walks to you but the blazing pain is killing you, and you push him violently, making him step back in a huff.

"It's the job, Baby, you know that" he tries but it feels like gasoline on the pyre of your heart.

"Those suicidal shits to talk to Death ! Fucking OD on meds !" you feel tears roll on your face, down your chin and chest, but you don't think you're crying, or maybe you have been all this time... "Michael ! HELL ! THE MA'LAK BOX ! I NEVER FORGAVE YOU FOR THAT !"

"Y/n... I'm trying..."

"You should have tried harder ! I have been there, following you everywhere, accepting your stubbornness. I've been pulling you close but pushing me further. I'm dying of loving you Dean... I have to go."

You turn to put your clothes in your bag.

"You can't leave" he states, coming closer.

"WATCH ME !"

With hunter speed, he wraps his arms around you, hard and fast, with all his strength, preventing your every moves. All you can do is scream, and hit his arms to get free like they were enemies.

"You... You're not leaving me Y/n" he states through tears while you're fighting like you can. "You can't leave me... You're the meaning of my life... I love you more than anything in the world."

"LIAR !" you sob, hitting him with all you have, hitting him with your pain and your panic, with the despair that is consuming you.

You're fighting in a desperate last attempt to survive, like it was your last breath but when he squeezes your weak body harder, you hit and scratch every parts of him you can reach even more.

"I could die for you" he sobs.

"DON'T SAY THAT ! LET ME GO" you scream again, your voice hoarse and throat sore.

The neighbor knocks on the wall... And your eyes catch a glance at your gun at reach.

You grab it with the speed of rage and point it to Dean's temple. Nothing matters anymore, and maybe if you both died in that dirty room, you would end up together in Hell...

He doesn't move. You look at his tears soaked face, this face you love more than it is healthy to, to his tired wrinkled eyes, so red that the green seems greener... You cry at how beautiful he is, and press the barrel harder on his temple.

"I could kill you..." you mutter with clench teeth through your blurred mind.

"Do it" he orders. "DO IT !"

His shouting makes you flinch when his nose grazes yours at how close he is.

"WHY IN HELL WOULD YOU SAVE MY LIFE TO LEAVE ME AFTER ! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU !" he screams and presses his head harder on the gun. "LEAVING OR PUTTING A BULLET IN ME ARE JUST THE SAME ! SO GO ON ! DO IT !"

You fall.

His arms catch you and keep you up, but every crumb of your will just fell. The gun slips from your hand...

A few years ago, you swore to love Dean forever, even if it meant death or Hell or even worse... So you will stay here, just here in his trembling arms until you have to burn him, for you neither can face that cruel paradox.

You know you will walk on that pyre, that day, and hold him until the end. You will burn, but you will stay...

Because this is it.

This is worse.

_________________________

FEEDBACK IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME

Tags : @parinarain @mogaruke @masterof-agony @rainflowermoon @tftumblin @deans-baby-momma @roonyxx @thefaithfulwriter @vicariouslythruspn @emeow1496 @daryldixonandfrogs @holylulusworld @cocklesbelli @sandlee44 @screenchingartisancashbailiff @donnaintx @stormchasingchick32-deactivated @akshi8278 @magssteenkamp @sister-winchesters99 @neii3n @lyss-dw79 @im-a-shrub @sadwaywardkid@hopelesslydevotedtoyou1912 @slyqueenj @i-love-superhero @waywardsisterandpie @sunsetsandbooks @mrspeacem1nusone @stylesismyhubs @deanwanddamons @jawritter @peridottea91 @chelsea072498 @chocolateheart @vicmc624 @teresa-67 @jessie-michael @doctor-hp-mcu @hawkerz12 @mariaenchanted @hobby27 @wirdbeimaufhebengebunden @thoughts-and-funnies @suramyaa @yasreadsfics @brilovesdeanwinchester

#bees6krollthedicechallenge #supernatural #Supernatural Dean Winchester #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fic #SPN #SPNFamily #dean winchester #spn dean x reader #dean x reader #dean x y/n #angst #violence #panic #death talk #established relationship #jay and dean

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gallickingun · 4 years

Note

could you possibly do something around bakugou and his fem!reader SO losing a pregnancy?? my friend had a shitty bf and the rest is history. she loves your writing and i think it would be cool to "gift" her this, y'know? if it's too much, please don't feel bad! whatever you're comfortable with!

a/n: i’ve had this request in my inbox for.. a little while. couple of days. i originally wasn’t going to write it, i was a little uncomfortable. but then i realized it’s because i’m going through something similar and i didn’t want to face my own feelings.

but, i officially lost what little hope i had left of my first child this morning. i’ve grieved and i’ve cried and i’ve asked everyone why. my mind is an absolute wreck and i don’t know that i’ve ever shed so many tears. so i hope that this can give your friend something positive in this tough season of her life. my thoughts, my love, and my words are with you both. thank you for being such a good friend 💖

ps, i apologize if it’s short or a little scattered. my heart was breaking while i was writing this.

The words reach your ears but your body refuses to process them.

You feel hands on your shoulders, in your hair, thumbs on your cheeks as he tries to look you in the eyes. Your focus is just over his shoulder, boring holes into the wall.

Bakugou turns to the doctor, murmuring something you can’t quite make out, and the next thing you know, the front door is shut with a gentle thump.

“Baby?”

Somehow that word means something different than it did 24 hours ago.

Two tears drip down the curves of your cheeks, collecting at your jawline. You know your body is going through something, that you’re shaking but you can’t completely realize it because your mind is on another plane of existence.

Katsuki’s hands are on your cheeks, catching the salt drops rested there, his thumbs swiping gently. He tugs you so you’re looking him in the eyes, his sanguine stare searching your face ferociously. Bakugou swallows the lump in his throat, “Don’t go there.”

“Can’t help it,” you croak, a fresh wave of sadness burdening your body. The weight of the world sits on your shoulders, reality pounding on the door of your heart, begging for you to accept it.

His mouth is on your forehead, your nose, the bow of your lips. He is gentle, hands searching your body for some answer to give you, some resolution to provide. But, the reality of it all, is that both of you are broken down to the very essence of your beings - the hurt and the pain grinding your bones to stardust, begging to be released back into the atmosphere so you can try again once the dust has settled.

“You did nothing wrong,” he murmurs against your ear, holding you close. “This isn’t your fault.”

“It’s my body, Kacchan. Kind of feels like my fault.”

You swear you see the threat of tears making his eyes bulge when you look him directly in the face. Your lower lip wobbles, “I-I wasn’t strong enough.”

His hands are rough as he snatches you by the jaw, holding you captive, “Shut the hell up, do you hear me?”

Bakugou’s cheeks are reddening, breath fast and shallow as his chest heaves with emotion. He licks his lips, trying to come up with all of the right words to say. Tears sit in the corners of his eyelids, threatening to spill over as his frustration rises.

“Y-You are the strongest person I know. Ever.” He grunts, turning his head as the first tear dips over the top of his cheekbone, “This didn’t work out. It doesn’t mean it won’t ever work out again. Or that we did anything wrong.”

There is a silence that drags out between the two of you, the both of your eyes completely zeroed in on one another. You map out the angles and edges of his face - his features and the way they portray every emotion swimming through his soul. Bakugou’s nostrils flare as his irises flit over you, noting the way your lip shakes and your jaw muscles tense. He wants to relieve you of all the pressure building up inside of you, threatening to burst forth like a volcano - all magma and rage, burning you up from the inside out.

Bakugou knows how it feels to be on fire.

The softening of his gemstone irises makes your shoulders give in, the weight of your own personal universe falling like marbles, the planets you’ve been carrying dropping to the ground when you fall forward.

His arms cinch around your shoulders, taping you back together as his palms rub over your broken posture, head hung low between the two of you. Bakugou pulls you into his lap, leaning back against the wall as you sob into his shirt. He tugs you down so you’re tucked underneath his chin, the front of his t-shirt the perfect handkerchief in your time of need.

“Shh,” his voice is uncharacteristically raw, tone just on the right side of shattering. Bakugou’s throat bobs against the top of your head, a kiss dropped into your hair like a flower, “I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

You claw at him, begging to dig your fingers into something solid, something concrete. Everything feels like it could fall out from under you at any moment and you just want something that’s going to stay the same.

Bakugou is the most consistent thing in your entire life.

He is always there for you, even when things get unpleasant. He is there to hold you, keep you sane, in spite of the overbearing duty of being a Pro Hero.

“Am I damaged?” you sob into his shoulder, tears soaking his skin and the fabric of his tee. You sniffle, unable to look him in the eyes because you know his gaze will be that gentle kind of angry, the one that says you should think much higher of yourself.

His kisses are in your hair, on your temple, “No, no. You are incredible.”

“Then why am I so-”

“You are nothing short of amazing,” Bakugou hushes you, curling his index and thumb around your jaw, tilting your head back. His face is soaked in tears and you’re surprised by his utterly raw display of emotion, “It just wasn’t the right time. That’s all.”

You know that this conversation is far from over. The feelings in your chest are so confusing that you can’t make any of them out - none but defeat and despair. It will take you too long to process this, and you are too tired already.

“Wanna take a bath?” he asks.

Bakugou’s thumb traces your lower lip and you know he wants to kiss you, but your heart just isn’t in it. You feel the weight of betrayal from your own body sitting on your shoulders as if there were a monkey on your back. You nod in response and he is picking you up off the ground, carrying you effortlessly into the bathroom.

As he helps you step into the sudsy bathwater, you curl your fingers around his palm, “Kacchan-”

“Hm?” he tilts his head, the fake smile plastered on his face for your benefit stinging like an insect bite. You keep yourself from busting into tears again, the warmth from the water lapping over your chest, bubbles sticking for a mere second before the air pops them in silence.

You lean forward just enough to touch his mouth to yours, “I love you.”

This next smile you see tug on the corners of his mouth, and this one is genuine. His eyes are shining and even though there are tears in his eyes, he falls into you, returning the fervor of your mouth.

He echoes the three-word sentiment into the space between your teeth and tongue, repeating the syllables like a sacrament. His hand is in your hair and you want to pull him into the tub with you, but you know better - he is still fully clothed.

“Everything will be okay,” you mange, slipping your fingers through his hair in a soothing motion. “As long as I have you.”

Bakugou nods, his thumb ghosting over your jawline, “So long as I have you.”

And, just as you expected, it does take time to get over the sense of hopelessness.

However, it’s much easier with your partner and best friend by your side.

–

wow, i’m sad but happy. i’m sappy! i know this one was short but i wanted to at least get something out for it. thank you so much for the request and i am thinking of your friend always 💕

tagging: @simplybakugou @kamehamethot @lady-bakuhoe @todorki-shoto @redhawtriot @burnedbyshoto @cookies-n-chaos @katsukisprincess @rat-suki @cutesuki--bakugou @k-atsukidayo @bnhatrashh @succulent-momma @voiceofreader @multifandom-fanfic @that-one-enthusiast @bitchtrynafck @cutest-celestial-princess @blue-peach14 @pastel-prynce @bokunokangae @shoutodoki @bakuoushoe @tenyaingenium @hoe-biscus @kingtamakimurder @myherofuckademia @myherowritings @lxvely-mha @myherorambles @bratwritings @samanthaa-leanne @orokayagi @queensynderella dl

#bakugou katsuki #bakugou katsuki x reader #katsuki x reader #bakugou x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #my writing #morgan writes bnha

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