happy eclipse day! some iphone photos from the roof of a parking garage:

m sorry ur havin a rough night, but i come bearing Chainshipping asks 💙💙 I wld love to hear ur thoughts on Adam teaching Diana photography, n how Lawrence feels seein her bond w Adam! + also favorite lil things they do to surprise each other, when they know th other is havin a rough day but not admitting it, or just bc they thought th other wld like it— lil stuff to make each other smile. + bonus, as far as the polycule goes bc we’ve both kinda touched on tht it takes a lil while to warm up to th idea, how do u think tht conversation goes between Adam + Lawrence, n who is th first other member where Lawrence is like “oh hey, I love them too”

thank u,,, I appreciate it sm <33 I always love getting asks frm u!!

Adam + Diana bonding over photography:

ohhh my gosh that would be adorable!!! I feel like it takes a little while for Lawrence to feel comfortable with having Adam and Diana interact - not bc he doesn't trust Adam or think he'd be a bad influence, but just bc he wanted to be sure things were going to work out between them; he didn't want to put Diana through that, have her get attached to someone who might end up not sticking around (again, not bc he thought he and Adam would split! he just wanted to make sure they were established for a while is all). but the moment he does? ohhhh these two melt his heart on the regular.

I kind of have this belief that Adam is good with kids, but not even he knows why? he has a heart fr kids, he can't help it, but he certainly didn't see himself becoming involved w someone who already had children,, that being said he loves Diana, and she loves him just as much!! it's kind of similar to the Daniel situation but leaning more toward the parental side of things; she just thinks he's about the coolest adult she knows and it's very evident. so they get along really well and god does it make Lawrence happy - honestly, it only serves to make him fall harder. Adam lets Diana paint his nails and will paint hers, he builds pillow forts for them to hide in, he'll read to her before bed, things like that; it's honestly not a surprise that she's interested in his photography!

the very first time she asks him about it, it starts with her being like "this is really cool!! how did you get so good at doing that??" and Adam's just sort of like. You Think That's Cool?? and that's kind of when he starts to become aware of how highly Diana thinks of him,, he needs a whole moment later where he just hides his face in Lawrence's chest and breathes through it bc Holy Shit. this is also where it kinda starts to set in for him that like, this is his family. (the next time he has a moment like that is when she calls him dad for the first time, but that's later down the line!)

hdkjsaf anyway. I feel like he wld be really excited to share this with Diana!! knowing that she's genuinely interested in it helps a lot and the fact that she's such a visual/hands-on learner like himself also helps things along!! I really like the idea that he gets her one of those disposable cameras to kind of give her a chance to explore it herself, so like the three of them will be at the park, Adam and Lawrence sat on one of the benches (when Adam isn't chasing her around the playground), while Diana runs around (within their line of sight, of course) and takes pictures of everything she finds interesting + worth capturing and Lawrence just sort of sighs and says "she's having so much fun. I love you." and Adam's just. "I love you too,,, 🥺🥺" it's so overwhelmingly domestic that Adam just needs a second to sit w it,,

Diana's also a quick learner so it's really cool when they compare her pictures to ones she takes later on!! it's definitely something that serves to strengthen their bond and kind of the catalyst for Adam to realize Hey, Diana Loves Me Too (ESP bc I feel like Adam would be super nervous around her at first, due to being Lawrence's new partner/not Alison, so her approval actually does mean a lot to him,, I gotta be honest I think abt chainshipping + Diana family dynamics all the time)!!

for Lawrence it's just like. Diana's approval ALSO means the world to him. he Loves seeing his partner and his daughter getting along so well; Lawrence didn't ever really envision himself being divorced prior to their game (even if he and Alison had discussed it/at least a separation of sorts), so he's kind of unsure about navigating dating after something like that, especially where Diana is concerned, so to have her love Adam just as much as he does is so so important. he definitely tears up over it sometimes, he can't help it. these are his two favourite people.

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little things they do fr each other:

for surprises I think they're relatively lowkey just bc neither of them really like Big surprises,, most times it consists of smth like "I saw this and thought of you!" or "I thought you'd like this so I picked it up!" and that's more than enough for them. occasionally though they Do like the spoil each other in their own special ways, so sometimes Lawrence will come home from work and the entire apartment is clean, there's music playing from that little stereo they have, and there's Adam in the kitchen with flour and brownie batter on his cheek and his shirt and in his hair bc maybe he's not the best cook, but he can bake (at least. brownies.) and Lawrence will just stand in the threshold of the kitchen fr a little bit after dropping off his coat and briefcase and lining up his shoes in the hallway, just watching Adam with this lovesick grin on his face until Adam finally turns around and sees him (he's not shocked, Lawrence always announces himself) and smiles back and it's so. <333

other times Adam will come home from a shoot to see Lawrence on the couch with Adam's favourite takeout, already in his pajamas and with their comfiest blanket next to him on the couch, and he's got a movie ready (usually The Princess Bride, as I've mentioned b4,,) and is just like "hey, I know you haven't eaten yet so I ordered in. wanna sit w me?" and of course Adam is always like of course I do!!! it's definitely one of those things where he's just smiling the whole time because this is a level of bliss he never saw himself reaching b4 Lawrence. he never imagined having someone to come home to, someone who loves him like this, and it's as simple as Lawrence making sure he eats + just wanting to take the time to relax w him while watching smth they both enjoy to make Adam realize this is love.

as for little things they do fr each other when they're having rough days? for Adam, I like the idea that Lawrence tosses one of his sweaters into the dryer for a little while so that it's warm when he takes it out, and then he brings it to wherever Adam has holed up while he rides out a shitty day and is just like "here, I know you're not having a good day so I brought you this. it's warm :)" and Adam is always just. "thank you" bc verbalizing things is hard on his bad days if he's not completely nonverbal (he does know the sign fr thank you + teaches it to Larry so he knows), but on the inside he's definitely just like 🥺🥺 ohhh my god I love you so much?? the other is that he'll make one of Adam's favourites for dinner because he firmly believes in the concept of comfort food serving to make things a little bit better. then they'll just sort of curl up on the couch or in bed and Adam will hide for a little while (like u've mentioned b4) until he feels good enough to at least lay his head on Lawrence's shoulder and watch him read/fill out crosswords (my fave hc concerning Lawrence is that. he likes them. he gets books of 'em Adam is so endeared by it).

for Lawrence, since he's the kind of person that throws himself into performing tasks (stress cleaning, paperwork, tending to things around the apartment, etc.) to keep his mind off of how upset he's feeling, I think the biggest thing Adam does is after a little while of Lawrence doing his thing, he'll come up behind him wherever he is and just kind of lead him away like "why don't you rest for a minute." and at first he wasn't rlly receptive to it, preferring to just sort of shake Adam off and be like "I'm okay, thank you for asking," even if he was very obviously Not Okay. eventually, though, all Adam has to do is put his hands on his shoulders and knead for a little bit before Lawrence just sighs and melts into it. he tenses up a lot, so his muscles are often really sore as a result, so when Adam does that it's a reminder to kind of sit back before that happens. the other, like you've also mentioned b4, is that Adam just holds Lawrence when he needs it, which is something he hadn't ever really experienced b4 but comes to appreciate very much. this is usually when Lawrence feels safest/the most seen + heard, so it's often where he cries it out, too.

otherwise it's just those little things; Lawrence will make Adam his cup of coffee in the morning, Adam will do Lawrence's tie for him b4 he heads off to work (his one weird ability, he supposes), holding the door open for each other when they're out and about, getting each other smth to drink + little snacks, stuff like that!! (one of my other favourites: sometimes when they go out for dates, Lawrence will pull Adam's chair out for him. Adam used to think smth like that wld be very stupid. when it's Lawrence, he comes to realize what was so endearing about it - not that he'd say that out loud tho)

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polycule discussion:

I've actually thought abt this b4!! I feel like Adam wld be very very nervous abt it at first, just bc he knows it's something that a lot of ppl still consider to be unconventional + impossible, but he would definitely want to have that talk w Lawrence bc 1. that's his partner, and 2. of course he wants Lawrence to be aware of that/wants to hear what his feelings are. like u said though, he doesn't reject it entirely or anything like that - he just sort of needs time to understand it + see how it works, as it's absolutely smth he would have no prior familiarity with (esp being w Alison in a monogamous marriage).

the important thing here is Lawrence is comfortable asking questions. he might word things a little funny and might make Adam laugh a couple times, not unkindly, but he's genuinely so curious abt it and unafraid to ask (which is better than coming up with some false assumption)!! it's both delicate and not, which I think Adam wld prefer rather than it being too serious or bc of disapproval obviously. he always feels more comfortable in convos where they can still contain serious subject matter, but they can still laugh a little bit.

so it does take Lawrence a while to warm up to it, but not out of a place of ignorance/ridicule; he just needs to familiarize himself w it is all! and that makes Adam feel sooo much better abt it. of course there was never the intention not to tell Lawrence, but to have him accept it and maybe even consider it down the line does wonders to relax Adam.

I've actually thought abt who the first other member Lawrence kinda fell for wld be and I think it wld be Eric! it can definitely be partially attributed to the fact that bc Adam spends a lot of time around him (they ARE dating), Lawrence does too as a result, but there's more to their relationship than just being. boyfriend adjacent. they have things in common that they don't really w anyone else (i.e. being a parent that has been through a trap + had their kid directly endangered by Jigsaw and are helping them cope) and they kind of have very similar feelings (guilt/thinking things were their fault, feeling like they failed their kids, feeling like they're bad ppl like Jigsaw thought, things like that) so they bond through those things - and, of course, over both of them dating Adam.

u've mentioned this b4 + I agree w it so: I feel like Eric might kinda be the first person other than Adam to realize Lawrence's tendency to overwork himself to avoid having to confront his upset feelings. a big thing Eric does for him is he'll bring a little snack w him and maybe something to drink and he'll hand them off and be like "I know you're busy but you gotta remember to eat, I'm just gonna go chill over here," and then he'll just set himself up in a corner in the same room so that Lawrence isn't alone. he doesn't try to get him to stop, doesn't ask him what's wrong though it's clear he'd listen if Lawrence wanted to share, just makes sure he's taking care of himself + reminding him that ppl are there for him. and fr Lawrence that's kinda like. Oh. bc it's that silent type of understanding where they don't even have to announce it out loud. Lawrence doesn't feel the need to explain himself. having that not only w Adam, but Eric too, is definitely smth that sort of leads into that realization of "I think I love him too."

and there are moments where Lawrence will come to spend the night at Adam + Art?(it's up to you)/Eric's apartment when Eric falls asleep facing Lawrence while Adam is pressed up against his back and knowing the issues Eric has w his chronic insomnia + feeling safe enough to drift off to sleep easily, seeing the way being around Adam helps him relax and that being held leads him to sleep quicker than anything else, it just kinda makes Lawrence wanna hold him and not let go. he knows Eric wasn't shown that kind of tenderness often, that physical contact was something he was denied for so long, and it just. makes Lawrence Seethe that someone would ever do that to him, in this protective way that Lawrence can't deny feels a lot like love. it only ever increases when Eric wakes up screaming later and ends up with his face against Lawrence's neck once the tension fades away and he just sags against him, crying. Lawrence allows himself to hold Eric then, and he still feels like he never wants to let go. this man is so compassionate, so protective himself of the ones he loves and wld do anything to keep them safe. he is a big dog of a man that makes ppl feel held + understood and Lawrence loves him a little bit, he can't help it.

I think Lawrence finally fully realizes it when Eric stumbles across him having a panic attack bc he'd forgotten to turn the ringer off and it just so happened to go off at that moment. he's trembling and it's hard for him to breathe but Eric just kind of crouches down in front of him and is like "focus on me for a moment. can you do that?" and he rests his hands on Lawrence's upper arms. when Lawrence nods Eric takes one of his hands and places it on his chest n says "can you breathe with me?" and somehow, Lawrence steadily finds himself relaxing and able to draw more air in until he's not shaking as hard and he doesn't feel like he's sucking in air through a straw, and by then he's so exhausted by it all that he ends up with his forehead against Eric's sternum, and Eric just holds him, no words. and he says, "it's okay that it still upsets you, it's smth you can't help and that is fine. I just want you to know that." like he knew what Lawrence needed to hear, and it's just. oof. that's when Lawrence is just like Oh I See. I Love Him. I Love Him Too.

Adam is beyond delighted abt it when Lawrence actually tells him, and Lawrence can safely say that he's definitely more open to the idea after that!!

An Analysis of The Ninth Gate

I finally got around to watching The Ninth Gate after it was recommended on Occultism with a Side of Salt. Seriously, why did it take me so long to watch this film? This is pretty much everything I like! It’s a film from 1999 (incidentally, the same year as Eyes Wide Shut) starring Johnny Depp as an expert on rare books called Dean Corso. It’s based loosely on a novel by Arturo Pérez-Reverte called The Club Dumas, and was directed by Roman Polanski (who’s the man behind Tanz der Vampire, but who is extremely problematic and we do not stan). Corso is employed by a rich book collector named Boris Balkan to authenticate his copy of a grimoire called The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows, which may be the coolest title for a grimoire ever. The book is supposedly designed to summon the Devil himself, and was copied from another mysterious book that the Devil was said to have written. Corso compares the grimoire with the two other existing copies to find out which one is the real one, but there are mysterious deaths and other unsettling events around the book, and he has a mysterious girl helping him.

The film is very spooky and has a wonderful Dark Academia aesthetic. What’s most interesting to me about it is, although it isn’t authentically occult, it feels very authentic. The grimoire is clearly modeled after real ones. The engravings in the book also could easily be mistaken for real ones if I didn’t know better. I think that the pentagram on the cover is a little too on-the-nose, especially since pentagrams weren’t associated with Satanism until relatively recently — I think the Sigil of Lucifer would be a better fit, since it’s reasonably well-known (for example, the Mother Superior of the Satanic Nuns in Good Omens wears one instead of a cross) and it comes from a real grimoire. That’s me being very nitpicky, though. Although this film follows some tropes of Hollywood Satanism, its portrayal of that is still more realistic than normal. Real-life occult ritual groups are more like book clubs or potlucks, but the actual ritual part can in fact look something like the one in the film. (Sure, it wouldn’t be in a mansion with cool-ass gargoyles, but this is certainly more realistic than Eyes Wide Shut.)

This film feels authentically occult becuase a lot of real occultism is pouring over old books and analyzing symbolic images. I do a lot of that! Right now, I’m reading a dictionary of alchemical symbolism. I hope to eventually be able to look at all the weird images in alchemical manuscripts and make some sense of them. This film is basically about doing exactly that. I noticed the tarot symbolism in the engravings immediately, and I felt a little like I was trying to decipher them right alongside Corso. It reminded me of solving Nox Arcana puzzles, and that just makes me incredibly happy. The approach this film takes is also realistic — (slight spoilers) it could have gone the classic Hollywood route of summoning Satan to destroy the world and all that, but it doesn’t. Instead, the end goal is more abstract and spiritual, much more in-line with occultists’ actual goals in real life. Just as in alchemy, the goal is not to make gold or live forever, but to experience spiritual transcendence, and this is encoded in alchemists’ notes and artwork.

So, I want to try my hand at deciphering the engravings’ secrets, and test my own knowledge of occult symbolism in the process. Everything that follows involves major spoilers, so I will dispense with the exposition and assume that you have already seen the film.

I’ve seen it argued on YouTube that the engravings represent actual events in the film, and some of them seem to. Bernie is murdered and hung upside down, the collapsing scaffolding is the “danger from above” arrow, Corso is hit in the back of the head in one of the film’s most chilling scenes, and the Girl (who is implied to be Lucifer) ends up… well… “riding” him in front of the burning castle. But come on, that is way too easy. For one thing, the related events don’t seem to occur in any specific sequence, either the engravings’ numbered sequence or Balkan’s rearranged sequence. It would make sense if Corso would have to experience every engraving and “pass through each gate” — that happens a lot in films like this one, where an eerily coincidental series of events plays out just as in the book/prophecy/whatnot. But that doesn’t really happen, or if it does, it’s not obvious enough for the only interpretation of the engravings to be literal. What impresses me the most about The Ninth Gate is that it goes for that more figurative, spiritual dimension. That is really what makes it feel realistically occult.

The real solution to the engravings seems to be spiritual growth or enlightenment, which is the goal of most occultists. Balkan sort of understands this, which is why he disdains Telfer and her coven being edgy and playing dress up instead of really making an effort to understand Lucifer’s secrets. And yet, Balkan also fails, because he is after power, not enlightenment. It seems as though both of them misunderstand Lucifer, believing him to be the kind of Lucifer that you usually see in these movies. (That would fit in well with his name and his role in the Eden story, if you interpret it that way.) If we assume that the Girl is Lucifer, then she is more benevolent an influence than anything else. Hell, Corso doesn’t even suffer any “temptation” consequences from having sex with her. Corso wins in the end because he actually puts in the effort, and the Girl helps guide him toward enlightenment. Maybe Lucifer is a good force in this film’s world. Lucifer’s own versions of the engravings seem to emphasize that s/he is genuinely invested in helping his/her followers towards enlightenment.

When Balkan assembles the engravings in the proper order, this is his interpretation of the riddle:

To travel in silence, by a long and circuitous route, to brave the arrows of misfortune, and fear neither noose nor fire, to play the greatest of all games and win, foregoing no expense, is to mock the vicissitudes of fate and gain at last the key that will unlock the Ninth Gate.

First, I want to say that this riddle reminds me a lot of the Emerald Tablet. It’s similarly cryptic, and I only sort of have it figured out. I love that something like that is real and authentically ancient. Anyway, moving on. I’ll go through the engravings in the order that Balkan puts them in (as opposed to their numbered order), and see if I can make sense of them.

The first engraving shows a knight traveling towards a castle. In the AT version of the engraving, the castle has four towers, while in LCF’s version, it has three. Balkan’s interpretation is “To travel in silence,” while the caption is “Silence is golden.” That immediately reminds me of the common occult maxim, “To Know, to Will, to Dare, to Keep Silent.” I’ve never been much of a fan of keeping silent, which is why I post things like this on the internet, but in general occultists tend to be secretive folk. According to this article, another translation of the caption is “Only one who has battled according to the rules will prevail.” I’m not sure whose rules are being referred to here. Lucifer’s, maybe?

This is one of the only engravings in which there is no obvious tarot symbolism. There are four Knights in tarot, one for each suit — wands, swords, cups, and pentacles — but this knight doesn’t have a symbol of any of the suits or anything that could suggest that. The difference is in the castle towers — three in LCF’s, four in AT’s. In traditional numerology, three is a number symbolizing perfection and creation, as in the Holy Trinity, while four is the number of the solid and material and unlucky. (Source: Richard Cavendish, The Black Arts). Sets of three are especially common in fairy tales and mythology — three siblings, three tasks, three encounters, three magical objects, three questions, three trials or tests, repeating an action three times with the third time being different or conclusive, etc. Lucifer’s castle at the end also has three sets of towers. The most obvious interpretation of this is that your destination will be either material gain (AT) or spiritual advancement (LCF).

In the tarot, the threes represent the completion of the first stage of a venture — the Three of Wands represents a successful enterprise, the Three of Cups represents celebration and fulfillment, and the Three of Pentacles represents recognition for your achievements. All of them have something to do with attainment except for the Three of Swords, which represents loss, heartbreak, betrayal, etc. The fours aren’t bad, representing stability and structure — the Four of Wands is joyful and peaceful, the Four of Swords takes time to rest and recoup, the Four of Cups is bored and listless, and the Four of Pentacles receives material abundance. All of them are a bit more grounded and material, so I think it makes the most sense to interpret the difference in this engraving as being the spiritual three vs. the material four, and leave it at that.

The fourth engraving, which is second in Balkan’s sequence, is of a jester standing at the entrance to a labyrinth. In LCF’s version the labyrinth’s exit is open, while in AT’s it is bricked up. Balkan interprets this as meaning “by long and circuitous route,” while the caption reads “Fate is not the same for all.” that seems fairly straightforward — Balkan and Corso have different fates. Corso is able to find his way out of the Labyrinth, but Balkan’s exit is bricked up. This is because he never properly experienced the journey the way Corso did, he just wanted the payoff and tried to take shortcuts.

The Labyrinth is a very old symbol, and it carries the dual symbolism of a death trap in which there is a Minotaur, and a path to spiritual enlightenment. It can represent the Underworld or the darkness of the subconscious mind, with the Minotaur being your Shadow. Either you are trapped in the Labyrinth and eaten by the monster, or you find your way back out into the light having gained some self-awareness. The jester is probably meant to represent 0 The Fool, who, in the Tarot, is the naive adventurer who sets out on a spiritual journey over the threshold and into the realm of the subconscious and symbolic — i.e. the Labyrinth. As for the dice in the foreground, this seems to reinforce the caption’s point about fate. But dice, like tarot cards, can be used as both a game and a divination tool — it is the assumption of the diviner that random chance is always meaningful. And indeed, the visible faces on each die add up to 6 — 666.

The third engraving depicts a traveler walking towards a bridge. In the clouds above him, there’s a Cupid-like figure with an arrow pointing down at him. Balkan’s interpretation is “to brave the arrows of misfortune,” and the caption is “The lost word keeps the secret.” AT’s version is pictured here; in LCF’s version, there are two arrows, the other one pointing upwards in the quiver.

This traveller looks much more like the traditional Tarot depiction of 0 The Fool than the jester. The Fool is happy-go-lucky and doesn’t notice the danger he might be walking into. TV Tropes describes The Fool trope as referring to a person who, despite having no idea what they’re doing, doesn’t come to any harm because of their luck and innocence. So, the traveler will probably not be hit by the arrow, the same way Corso avoids the collapsing scaffolding. The two arrows in the LCF version seem to reinforce the idea of there being two possible outcomes. The arrow pointing up and the other one pointing down could also reference the famous occult maxim, “As above, so below,” adding another spiritual dimension to it. Balkan’s interpretation of the engraving reminded me a lot of a certain famous soliloquy: “To be or not to be, that is the question: / Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer / The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, / Or to take arms against a sea of troubles / And by opposing end them.” In this scene, Hamlet is considering whether or not to take his own life. But when applied to this engraving, these lines seem to once again suggest the two possible outcomes — you can suffer and die, or move on towards your goal.

And then there’s the caption. “The lost word keeps the secret.” Well, it’s pretty obvious what that refers to — the ninth engraving, replaced with a forgery that changes the meaning of the entire thing. The missing engraving contains the secret. But that caption seems completely irrelevant to this engraving, except that the face of the archer doesn’t look remotely like a baby’s, as putti usually do — it looks like an old man’s, specifically, the Ceniza brothers’, who removed and replaced the missing engraving.

The sixth engraving, fourth in Balkan’s sequence, depicts a man hanging upside-down by his ankle, and an arm with a flaming sword reaching out of a castle tower. Balkan’s interpretation of this is “and fear neither noose nor fire,” which proves he knows fuck all about tarot. No wonder he got the riddle wrong. This one is so blindingly obvious. The man isn’t hanging by his neck, he’s hanging by his foot. He’s the Hanged Man.

XII The Hanged Man is a strange and disturbing card at first glance, but it has become one of my favorites. The Hanged Man is almost never depicted hanging by his neck; he hangs by his foot, and has a serene expression, indicating that he wants to be there. He represents going through a period of tribulation, suffering, surrender, or introspection in order to obtain wisdom, enlightenment, self-awareness, and insight. He goes through a metamorphosis, just like the caterpillar that hangs upside-down in its chrysalis to become a butterfly. He’s a Christlike figure, evidenced by the halo around his head in the Rider-Waite deck, and the fact that he willingly suffers for a higher purpose. He even wears the same colors as Jesus in Da Vinci’s The Last Supper in the Rider-Waite deck, although I’m not sure if that’s on purpose or not.

The caption to the engraving is “I am enriched by death,” which is a million times more meaningful than Balkan’s interpretation. If you’re an occultist, that line is probably self-explanatory. Pretty much everything mystical involves that theme of (symbolically) dying and being resurrected. The alchemical process has three stages — nigredo, which is death, albedo, which is the ascension of the soul, and rubedo, which is returning to life in a “purified” body as a more spiritual being. The Hero’s Journey follows this same pattern — the hero entering the Underworld or the Labyrinth and facing trials that allow them to spiritually ascend and achieve apotheosis (or something close to it). It’s everywhere in books, movies, and video games. It is the initiation ritual. Most occultists figuratively go through it in one way or another. And in tarot, XII The Hanged Man is at the rough midpoint of the Fool’s journey through the Major Arcana, and immediately followed by XIII Death. “I am enriched by death.” You cannot be reborn as a new and better version of yourself without first having died.

The difference between AT’s and LCF’s engravings is that AT’s has the Hanged Man hanging by his right foot, while LCF’s has him hanging by his left foot. I don’t think this changes the meaning of the engraving too much. In Rider-Waite, the Hanged Man hangs by his right foot, but in the Tarot de Marseille, which is older, he hangs by the left foot. The only significance to this that I can see is that the Latin word for “left” is sinistram, and the word “sinister” has its current meaning because left was considered Satanic. Left-handed people were discriminated against for this reason, until as late as the mid-20th century. In occultism, the “Left-Hand Path” is an approach to magic that involves rejecting tradition and dogma and generally being edgy. I think that the right-hand and left-hand paths are a false dichotomy (you use both your hands, don’t you?), but anything Satanic is considered part of the Left-Hand Path. Jung associated left with the unconscious, so we’re back to the Labyrinth.

I don’t have much to say about the flaming sword. It could be foreshadowing Balkan’s death (more on that later), or it could represent the flaming sword of the angel of Eden (i.e. guarding spiritual knowledge).

The seventh engraving, fifth in Balkan’s sequence, is of a king and a peasant playing a chess game. Two dogs are fighting in the background, and the moon can be seen through the window. In AT’s version, the board is black, and in LCF’s, the board is white. Balkan interprets it as “to play the greatest of all games,” and the caption is “The disciple surpasses the master.”

The tarot symbolism that I see here is that of XVIII The Moon, which has dogs baying at it in the Rider-Waite deck. The Moon represents the subconscious, imagination, and dreams, but also nightmares, madness, and illusion. The illusion here is probably still the missing engraving being replaced by the forgery. The themes of the subconscious get reinforced. Underneath the Moon, a black dog and a white dog fight each other, almost seeming to create a yin/yang shape. This brings the dark and the light into balance, the same way the Moon spends equal times dark and bright as it goes through its phases. The game is chess, which is played with black and white pieces, and the board is either black or white. The game seems to be a draw, making the peasant and the king equals, just as the dogs are unable to defeat each other. So, this engraving is all about reconciling dualities.

There’s another layer to this. God is the “King of Kings,” so this could demonstrate a human becoming God’s equal. This is basically the goal of occultism — to become like God, in some form. Left-Hand Path’ers in particular seem to like the idea of becoming gods themselves, or even “surpassing” God. Since the book was created by Lucifer, this could tie in to Lucifer’s desire to become God’s equal that got him cast out of Heaven (but I’m not the biggest fan of that story, so I won’t go any further with that). To the occultist, man is God, just as God can become a man — as above, so below. That’s also a form of reconciling the duality of human and divine.

The caption, “The disciple surpasses the master,” probably refers to this, but it could also refer to Corso surpassing Balkan and succeeding where Balkan failed. Any good teacher wants their students to have learned so well that they surpass them. God (or Lucifer) intends for his disciples to surpass him, but Balkan tries (and fails) to prevent Corso from surpassing him.

The fifth engraving, which is sixth in Balkan’s sequence, depicts a man counting coins while Death stands behind him with a pitchfork and hourglass. Balkan’s interpretation is “and win, foregoing no expense,” while the caption reads “In vain.” Balkan is an idiot. Exactly like the man in the engraving, he is focused entirely on the money and completely misses the literal shadow of Death standing behind him. How does one overlook the significance of that? There’s a big difference between “I won the game so now I get money” and “in vain”! Of course, this means that Balkan is too focused on material pursuits and misses that he is about to die. In AT’s version, the sand is at the top of the hourglass, while in LCF’s version, it is at the bottom — the man has run out of time. The expression “you can’t take it with you” comes to mind. Money and material goods don’t ultimately matter compared to spiritual growth. “In vain.”

In tarot, XIII Death almost never represents physical death. Instead, it represents change, usually a change for the better. Death is about letting go of old things so that new things can come, stepping through a threshold into another life or state of being. This can be difficult or emotionally painful, but it is necessary and ultimately beneficial. If The Hanged Man is the chrysalis, then Death is the emerging butterfly (the Greek word psyche means both “soul” and “butterfly,” because butterflies represent the souls of the dead). Once again, Death is a required step towards spiritual advancement. And if you refuse to acknowledge this, it isn’t going to go well for you.

The checkerboard floor probably continues to reinforce the theme of duality. As for the pitchfork, maybe the reason Death has a peasant’s pitchfork instead of a scythe is because pitchforks are associated with Satan, or it could be a representation of peasants taking revenge on rich people. Or it could be a reference to American Gothic. I think it’s the first one.

The eighth engraving, which is seventh in Balkan’s sequence, depicts a praying man about to be bludgeoned by a knight with a mace, with the Wheel of Fortune in the background. Balkan’s interpretation is “to mock the vicissitudes of fate” and the caption says “Virtue is defeated.”

The Wheel of Fortune is a medieval motif that shows how fortune is apparently random. Some get to be kings, others are serfs, and your fortunes can turn at any moment. Just when you think everything is great, someone hits you on the back of the head. In tarot, X The Wheel of Fortune means exactly what you would expect it to — a twist of fate, a change of fortune. Whether it’s for better or for worse depends on the context and the cards around it. Life is full of ups and downs, so enjoy what you’ve got while you have it, etc. Sometimes when it shows up, it can mean that you should trust in fate.

But that’s the background. What to make of the foreground? Honestly, this is the most disturbing engraving to me, especially with the accompanying scene where Corso gets hit in the head. By whom? It’s probably Telfer’s lackey, because the knight in the engraving kind of looks like him. And if the caption is “Virtue is defeated,” the praying man hasn’t been defeated yet. The knight is about to hit him, not already standing over his body. It could be an example of “bad things happen to good people” — being virtuous won’t stop you from suffering. Since Corso is the one who gets hit in the back of the head, maybe that indicates that he’s the most virtuous character (which is saying a lot, since he’s not exactly an upstanding person). In LCF’s version of the engraving, the knight has a halo — does that mean that defeating Virtue is a good thing? I guess that would make sense if the artist is Satan? Or does it mean the knight is protecting the praying man? I don’t know. I genuinely am not sure how to interpret this one. What I do know is that Balkan is still an idiot. Nothing about this suggests mocking fate. If anything, this is an example of succumbing to it.

The second engraving, eighth in Balkan’s sequence, shows an old man with a dog, holding two keys in his hand. In AT’s version, the keys are in his right hand, and in LCF’s, they are in his left hand. Balkan’s interpretation is “gain at last the key,” and the caption is “Open that which is closed.”

This is another obvious tarot image. This is clearly The Hermit with his lantern. IX The Hermit represents withdrawing into solitude for contemplation and meditation, to gain spiritual wisdom and awareness. Like the Hanged Man, he indicates a need to be passive in the service of introspection. He’s the archetypical guru on a mountain, and he holds the keys to enlightenment. Keys represent access to information, and the ability to pass between worlds. “Open that which is closed” is pretty obvious — unlock the gates, receive spiritual insight. LCF’s version having the keys be in the left hand just reinforces everything I said about left earlier.

Also, that Hebrew symbol next to him is the one for the number nine. That suggests that the Hermit is right in front of the Ninth Gate. In numerology, nine is a magical number, being three times three. It represents completeness, spiritual achievement, and initiation. So, that’s self-explanatory. In tarot, tens are the ultimate state of completion, so the nines are the penultimate step — the Nine of Wands gives you the strength and willpower to overcome obstacles, the Nine of Cups represents success and contentment, and the Nine of Pentacles represents celebrating an accomplishment. (Once again, the Swords are the outlier, representing fear and despair.) Nines in general are good, the perfection of three multiplied by itself. (The Hermit is also the ninth card of the Major Arcana, if you noticed.)

And finally, we come to the ninth and final engraving (that Roman numeral should read “IX”). This depicts a woman who looks suspiciously like the Girl reading a book, ostensibly The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows, and riding a dragon with seven goatlike heads. There is a castle in the background, and the castle is a real place. There are three versions of the engraving — this one, which is signed by AT and has the castle as-is, a forged LCF engraving that shows the castle in flames, and the real one. Balkan’s interpretation is “that will unlock the Ninth Gate,” and the caption is “Now I know that from Darkness comes Light.”

The woman is apparently an image of the “Whore of Babylon” from Revelations, who rides a seven-headed dragon. I’m not really sure what she’s supposed to represent, beyond being generally Satanic. Of course, Crowley recasted her as a sex goddess. The seven heads of her dragon are significant — seven is the number of secrets, mysteries, magic, introspection, and searching for inner truth, which have been running themes this whole time. It also signifies creation, completeness, and rest, since God created the world in seven days. In tarot, the sevens present a new challenge after the perfection of the sixes — the Seven of Wands brings new obstacles that require determination to overcome; the Seven of Cups represents imagination, dreams, and illusions, so back to The Moon again (and the illusion of the forgery); the Seven of Swords also represents deception or a con artist (like the Ceniza twins, or maybe Balkan); and the Seven of Pentacles represents a threshold or a new opportunity, and reflecting on one’s achievements. That all aligns scarily well with the situation here.

The critical illusion is that the “LCF” engraving with the burning castle is a forgery. So, Balkan sets himself on fire for no reason other than egomania. This image is similar to XVI The Tower in Tarot. The Tower is one of the scariest cards to get. If Death is a difficult but beneficial change, The Tower is a dramatic turn for the worse, complete destruction and devastation. It is struck by lightning and destroyed, going up in flames. I drew this card shortly before the pandemic hit. That was The Tower — destruction, upheaval, devastation, but with the promise of rebuilding. I also had to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil because of an unrelated thing that happened around the same time, and it shook me to my core. So, obviously the forged engraving leads to Balkan’s destruction.

The true ninth LCF engraving shows the sun shining from behind one of the castle’s towers:

Replacing The Tower with The Sun is a drastic difference. If The Tower is one of the worst cards to get, XIX The Sun is one of the best. The Sun is a good omen in every capacity. It represents everything that these engravings have been working towards — spiritual growth, fulfillment, success, enlightenment, revelation of secrets, good fortune, etc. It fits right in with Lucifer’s status as the Light Bringer, and it is the solution. (The true engraving is also very reminiscent of The Star, which directly follows The Tower, and represents hope and the light at the end of the tunnel. I drew it recently, signifying the end of my emotional turmoil.) The jagged rocks at the bottom of the castle in the other two versions are missing here, and the castle is more accessible, with a visible path. The woman gestures directly to it.

The rest of the scene is much more shadowed in the true version, which fits right in with the caption: “Now I know that from Darkness comes Light.” I, in my obsession with Shadow work, interpret this as confronting the dark parts of oneself and bringing them out into the light to become a whole person, and to grow spiritually. This goes back to the Labyrinth, needing to enter the dark Underworld or the realm of the subconscious in order to gain spiritual wisdom and finally achieve enlightenment. Everything in the engravings seems to point back to that — needing a period of introspection, reconciling of duality, obtaining safe passage through the various trials until you see The Sun, which is followed by Judgement (resurrection) and The World (fulfillment). The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows are like the seven gates of the Underworld that Inanna must pass through (and that eight-pointed star is a symbol of Inanna). Corso passes through the Ninth Gate, out of the Kingdom of Shadows and into the light.

Balkan’s interpretation is clearly off. So, let’s rearrange the engravings back into their intended order:

Silence is golden. Open that which is closed. The lost word keeps the secret. Fate is not the same for all. In vain. I am enriched by death. The disciple surpasses the master. Virtue lies defeated. Now I know that from darkness comes Light.

If you, who seek after secrets, wish to unlock the gates to wisdom and enlightenment, be wary of potential dangers and missing pieces. You can either suffer and die, or move towards your goal. You will either find a way out of the Labyrinth or find that your path is blocked. Do not pursue material gains, and miss the shadow of Death hanging over you. Face Death, and you will be enriched by it, gaining spiritual insight that will allow you to surpass your superiors and become God’s equal. After a final challenge, test of virtue or twist of fortune, you will emerge from the darkness and into the light.

Am I reading way too deep into a spooky movie? Maybe, but come on! How could I resist? Do any of you have interpretations of your own?

Sources:

https://slapphappe.wordpress.com/2009/03/22/symbolism-in-the-ninth-gate/#%3A~%3Atext%3DThe%20fire%20at%20the%20Ninth%2Cof%20the%20Kingdom%20of%20Shadows.

https://davidjrodger.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/the-ninth-gate-occult-and-tarot-like-symbolism-in-the-engravings-by-aristide-torchia-and-lucifer-plus-wider-meanings-of-the-movie/

SHN INTERVIEW: Rachel Bochner

by Claire Silverman

Rachel Bochner is a singer/songwriter based in New York City. Her career in the music industry began with an A&R internship at a record label, and it was there that she realized her true passion for creating and sharing her own music. Her passion lies in making pop music that resonates with people through the good, the bad, the lighthearted, and the heavy.

CS: Congrats on the release of your song “hating myself in the summer!”

RB: Thank you so much!

CS: The song feels like a song that so many people, especially young girls, can relate to a lot. What initially prompted you to write this song?

RB: I actually started writing this song back in October, so it wasn't written in the summertime. But the phrase in the chorus “I'm tired of hitting myself in the summer” is kind of what sparked the song as a whole. And like you said, it's something that a lot of people, especially young women can relate to. I think it's just something that I have always struggled with for as long as I can remember. There are periods in my life where I noticed, at events or seasons, that I'm feeling particularly self-conscious, and summer is definitely one of those times. There’s this push and pull of “I want to be enjoying myself, and I just want to exist and not be worrying about this,” but there's also a pressure that “okay, my friends are all going to the beach, and I don't love how I'm looking in this bathing suit, and now that's consuming my mind,” and it's a really exhausting thing to worry about. Also as I've gotten older, it’s become so much more apparent that it's not something that actually matters, and it's not something that I should be basing my worth on. So the song is about coming to that realization.

CS: One thing I like about this song is that it's you and yourself, but also it’s you speaking to a lot of people. I appreciate that this song is a pop song, and it's a really good pop song, but it's not about a love story, which is something I really like. I've noticed this type of theme in some of your other songs too. Could you tell me a bit about what kind of messages are you interested in writing about, and what's important to you and your songwriting overall?

RB: It's funny that you say that because this song is on a project that is a collection of songs that are all not love songs. I think, for this project, I wanted it to be exactly that — my thought process and things that I'm feeling and what I'm going through but not really about another person. I do love a love song, and I love the last EP that I put out that had this story of one relationship not working out and like coming into a new one that feels better and more authentic. So I felt like I got that off my chest for a bit. I started with “how am I feeling?: And “what are the things that I am struggling with?” And what are things that I think that other people who are around my age, so high school through mid to late 20s, can relate to? I love being able to write something that feels really personal to me, but when someone listens to it, they might have a completely different life experience and still be able to place themselves in that song.

photo: Sasha Bellentine

CS: Who are the artists that you feel have really influenced you and your songwriting?

RB: I am definitely influenced by a lot of different artists. Some longer-term inspirations for me are Julia Michaels, Maggie Rogers, and Lana Del Rey. I think Julia Michaels’ writing is the kind of pop music that I am really drawn to,  where sonically it’s a bop, but lyrically, you can read into it and it’s a thought-provoking song. Recently I've really been loving Conan Gray. Also, Sasha Sloane is great. I always feel overwhelmed when I'm asked this question because I feel like I need to list everyone. And I also love Taylor Swift. She consistently blows my mind.

CS: I love that. One of the coolest things that I’ve noticed from speaking with female artists around our age is that literally almost every single one of them has been deeply influenced by Taylor Swift. She has really helped create this next generation of songwriters. It's so cool.

RB: And I also love Lorde so much, but I feel like people always kind of name Lorde as their inspiration.

photo: Alex Lyon

CS: So how did you get started in the industry? What made you realize that music was what you wanted to pursue?

RB: I have always loved music. I've always been a singer, for as long as I can remember. But I didn't really start writing and working on my own music until later on. I think part of that was being a little bit afraid of failure. The part of me that wanted to do that got overshadowed by the part of me that was afraid of being bad at it. But I actually started seriously writing during the summer of 2018, which is weirdly recent. For a while, I thought I wanted to work at a label, so I interned at a record label that summer of 2018. I was doing A&R and was listening to new music every single day and looking for new artists. That’s when it clicked for me that I loved writing and I wanted to be sharing my own music. From that point on, I've been focusing on finding my network of people to be making music.

CS: As I was getting ready for this interview, I was listening to your EP 2 AM again, and I wanted to ask you about that EP as well, specifically, your song Ultraviolet. What was the story behind that song?

RB: Ultraviolet was written at the end of last summer, so we were deep in COVID times. From not being able to see people and just having so much time to sit with my own thoughts, I started to understand things about myself that I hadn't previously ever even thought about. I needed an outlet for thinking about that and processing the questions and realizations I was having about my sexuality. Naturally, I wrote a song about it. It created this space for me to explore everything that I was thinking about given the circumstances.

CS: You mentioned earlier with that EP that there was a big emphasis on the storytelling aspect of your songs. Can you talk a little bit about that, and, and the process of that EP, and putting out an EP in a time where playing concerts can’t be a part of a release.

RB: Since I started releasing music right before COVID, I’ve never really lived in a world where playing shows is a part of the release strategy. I'm excited for that to be a thing. In terms of the storytelling, the songs on the EP weren't actually written in the order that they appear on the tracklist. Afterwards, I figured out how they made sense to me, which was fun. Something I like to do in my writing is pull from experiences and emotions that I have personally felt, but also using fiction and applying an emotion that I have actually experienced and I can speak to, but in a different situation. I think as a songwriter it is really important to be able to open yourself up beyond what you've experienced firsthand, and still be able to make it sound genuine and have it resonate with people.

CS: Do you have any news you can share with us? Any exciting things coming up in the future?

RB: Definitely. I have new music on the way [Rachel’s new single “ghosted my therapist” is out now]. I won't say too much, but there's a little easter egg in the music video for “hating myself in the summer.” It's cryptic, but it'll make sense eventually.

CS: Is this the Taylor Swift fan in you putting easter eggs in your videos?

RB: Oh 100% yes.

CS: Can you give us a few recommendations to end with? What are the songs you've been listening to recently?

RB: Conan Gray recently put out a song called “People Watching” and it's so good, it was co-written by Julia Michaels as well, and she’s one of my favorites. There's a song that I literally cannot stop playing and it destroys me emotionally but I am obsessed with it. It's called “I Can't Wait to Be British” by Carol Ades. If you're looking for a song to cry to, that's a really good one. I’ve also been listening to a lot of JP Saxe lately. I'm actively not sad, but I love listening to sad music right now.

CS: It was really nice to meet you, and I'm looking forward to hearing your new music!

RB: Thank you!

Are there like, punishments if you accidentally cum while doing all the edges ur doing for this thing?? Im very intrigued by it lol I've been thinking recently about joining like. A bdsm dating site. If those are a thing (can u tell I haven't done any research on it yet). 💕

There are but thankfully I have so far avoided them!! But I did have one punishment earlier this week (which u can read a little bit about in my longer post from thursday)

& there definitely are (like FetLife!) BUT, a lot of more experienced kink community members recommend against using those kinds of sites and more recommend going to local meetups (which are sometimes called munches because it’s usually a casual meetup at a restaurant or something) and getting to know the kink community around you!! You’d be surprised at the prevalence of clubs in most places. And frankly the kink community is full of like, the genuinely nicest, coolest people I’ve ever met in my life, so while it’s totally normal to be nervous going to an event… just know it’s okay and someone there will be more than happy to show you the ropes. (Haha, ropes)

cad meta is what i do and i’m having a bad day and need a distraction so here’s some thoughts on all his weird shit last night. in three parts.

part i: “i regret my weakness” is such a line. let’s talk priorities. let’s talk about sureness. let’s talk about people as projects. let’s talk about that fucking commune.

as soon as shit started getting connected, he zoned the fuck out and was like, “yes, i have a way to solve this and help get these connections made.” i’ve missed commune, it’s a good spell, and i like the way melora’s answers are treated. he asked about nott, and then beau (or maybe the other way around?), and then about his family, for the first time.

(maybe it’s because beau pointed out that his lack of attempts seemed odd? maybe it’s because he’s slowly started to realize that he’s a person who can go after his own wants?)

i am... concerned about the vagueness of the answer he received re: his family, but it at least confirms that some of the clays are probably alive and definitely in the menagerie. but it’s the response to that that gets me. it’s how he reacts to that news of, well, everything you’re looking for--or at least most things--are in one place, and your friends are willing to go, even amidst their own issues. 

he starts out by calling himself weak, and then refusing to explain that insult to the others. he then begins a repression-disguised-as-selflessness off with beau and nott--two strong competitors in the field. somehow, he wins.

but he was excited the night before. he was ready. he admitted that his path was kind of urgent, but he turned back on that, once he learned that the others were already there. i’ll talk more on this later, but... it doesn’t paint a happy picture of his feelings about his family. the word “abandoned” came up on talks the other week, and i’m standing by that i think that’s the main emotion, here. again, i’ll talk more on that later. fjord called him selfless, in the hot tub talk. caduceus corrected him, and said he was afraid. i don’t think he’s just afraid of them being dead, is the thing. i am still wearing my “Cad Is Sick/Cursed/Withering” hat though, for personal reasons and also because of course that would make the reunions tense. of course.

the fact that he thinks going to the menagerie is “inevitable” and he wants to “spend the time before that doing as much as we can for everybody” lends some weight to this theory--the too-pale, very eccentric, too-thin, always-tired, liar, baby of the family (it happens, so everybody cares and wears the sheep’s clothes while they chaperone) doesn’t want to be taken home. doesn’t want to be breakable and useless. he has people to help, now.

but let’s talk about the other backstory-dodge attemptees, for a second. 

cad admires beau. this is canon, i don’t shut up about this. cad genuinely thinks that beau is the coolest person he has ever met, and he’s right. he wants to help her, but he didn’t really know she needed to be helped, but this--well. forest witches and family issues, that’s his fucking wheelhouse. his desire to help her isn’t like his usual help-quests--he’s very much handling this like he handled the trent situation, it seems, where he’s like, “oh, these people hurt you? i hate them and will kill them. i have never had friends before and this is how friendship works.” which is so valid.

nott, meanwhile, we know he has (entirely reasonable imo) beef with. he brought up a part of that beef last week--please just apologize and have a conversation about dying, god. but he wants to help, because he knows nothing if not fixing things, people. he hates it when he doesn’t know how to fix things, people--let’s recall one of his first-ever communes, the too big to fix one. and it’s a character flaw, this, we know. he has a poorly shaped understanding of how non-familial, non-divine, non-transactional relationships work. he deals exclusively in the one-on-one, unless he’s fucking with people or communicating with melora. (”his protector” was a fun new label, matthew.)

so again. witches, curses, feeling weird about going back to the way things were before the nein? kind of his fucking wheelhouse. nott hasn’t been helpable, until now, in his eyes, because she didn’t want to be fixed. but now she does, so--well. now he can try. and it’s fucked up, and it’s shitty, but it’s certainly interesting, too.

part ii: this episode was very centric on family shit in general so as a nice change of pace in between two family drama parts we’re gonna talk about drinking, drugs, and a potential crush on a certain warlock/paladin

we’ve known since the island with the bees that it’s not that he doesn’t like drinking, it’s that he doesn’t like the taste of alcohol, but episode 92 kind of. hit that harder than before. he’ll take whiskey, mixed with juice, and if it’s still nasty, he’ll add hallucinogenic fruit that he’s only ever used before (unless tal’s goof about microdosing the crew was not a goof, which. it was a goof.) to ask melora about vandran. and he’ll enjoy himself! Caduceus Does Drugs was, again, canon, but we’ve never experienced high cad before.

and high cad? rather--crossed cad, because he was drunk, too. crossed cad is a flirt. after being made uncomfortable at the idea of him being related to fjord--who is so handsome, with a nice-looking nose and cool hair--he spends the night just. “fjord you’re so cool. fjord your accent is so hard how do you do accents, fjord. fjord your magic which used to scare me is so cool. fjord your joke was funny.” he gets embarrassed. he facepalms on the bar. as a fellow socially awkward gay, yasha pats him on the back. and then, he continues. just talking to fjord.

he wakes up hungover. he quietly dislikes it. beau quietly notices. nobody else comments.

when they get to kamordah, he drinks again. if i saw things right, for the first time, we see caduceus not wince at the taste of a (non-mead) alcohol. it might have just been a tal-wasn’t-in-character, but iirc, every other time cad’s drank? there’s been some faces made.

something’s up. again, we’ve known for a good amount of time that Caduceus Is Not Okay, and i am the first to advocate for Caduceus Has A Crush, but this episode managed to solidify both of those things very clearly. he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, is the thing. and he’s so lonely.

part iii: back to family drama! fragility, bad dads, and the fact that the nein are more similar than anyone wants to admit

his attempt at using objective language when talking about seeing one’s parents again is sort of what set me off last night. last night was all about shitty parents, and uhhhh well we certainly got some fuel to the “cad’s a little bit angry at his parents” fire last night.

we were talking in the fc server on how a few of us (self-included) are under the impression that cad’s dad is one of the family members already “under the ground,” which reminded me of a terribly long, purple-prosey character analysis thing i wrote in like. june. wherein i posited that caduceus was probably rather young when people started leaving. the maturity line kind of... hinted at that, i think. he’s done a lot of thinking, in the time he’s been alone; it’s kind of implied that he did a lot of his growing up in his time alone. 

he didn’t care if thoureau was being genuine or not. he cared to know if thoureau took actual steps for protecting his family, or if he was just paranoid and performative. caduceus clay is a charismatic forest-dwelling witch, raised by forest-dwelling witches, and he knows the types of wards and guards and protections they suggest. he knows the lies they tell those they perceive to be naïve.

did abandonment help beau? is fjord really on some grand destined quest tied all because of a family name? did jester’s loneliness make her the beacon of joy that she appears to be? is caleb forever bound to fix who he was before all of this? is yasha allowed to embrace that she is loved, now? if nott’s problem is solved, will she leave the nein without complaint?

makes you think. or whatever.

26.02.20 // heiii long time no post! still snapping back to school etc. post arctic vacation, which was maybe the coolest thing I’ve ever experienced :’) currently sorting through the obscene amount of photos I took while watching lilsimsie’s youtube videos bc they’re genuinely addicting and I need to be /multitasking/ at all times. super exhausted but tomorrow’s my day off so wahoooooo !! also will def be posting pics from my trip because wowza

listening to: her by karpe

"tell me how you actually feel for once" for starker. Love your writing btw

What You Want

Pairing: Peter Parker/Tony Stark Rating: Mature (M)  Notes: Thanks a ton, nonnie! I appreciate the compliment. This was a fun one - I hope you enjoy it!  Word Count: ~3.5k Summary: 

Peter’s a little tired of the back and forth with Tony, so he takes their ‘relationship’ into his own hands.

His weird tango with Tony started right after graduation.

It took a few months post-Thanos for everyone to get their shit back together, Peter included. He ran off with Ned and MJ to Europe, only to be duped by someone hell bent on taking Tony Stark and the company his family built down to the ground. Mysterio fucked him up and it took a while to find a way to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. While he did, he stepped away from the Avenger’s completely, ducked his head, and finished out the year to the best of his ability.

Walking into the gym in his cap and gown, Peter was genuinely surprised to see the entire crew sitting in the row next to May. Tony, Steve, Bucky, Sam, Clint, Thor – even Nat and Bruce were tucked into the small chairs mandated for friends and family. His face broke into a wide grin – it’d been a while since he saw anyone and, in that instant, he knew that his decision to go back to the Avenger’s was the right one.

The row where they were all standing broke into the loudest applause of the day when Peter walked across the stage. Thor, in his ornamental garb stood up and yelled – “Bravo, Master Peter!” It echoed around the gym and caused the rest of the people to clap even louder. Red-faced, he grabbed his diploma from some lady he’d never seen before and finished the walk. Right before he stepped off the stage, he lifted the folder in his hands and let out a whoop.

His eyes caught Tony on the walk back to his seat – his whiskey colored eyes bore into him, a soft smile playing on the older man’s lips. In the few months since their final interaction with Thanos, Tony was the only person he tried to keep in contact with. The ruse of being one of Tony’s interns was going to be a great cover for why he was always with Tony and around the other Avenger’s on a pretty constant basis.

No one knew about his secret identity – and he planned to keep it that way.

Peter took the smile on Tony’s face with him all the way back to his seat – the image of it burnt into his brain. They’d been talking on the phone and over text messages since his final brief with Tony and Happy after the Europe fiasco – it sent a bunch of weird feelings flowing through him, seeing the look on Tony’s face in person. The crush he’d been trying so hard to get rid of was still there, then.

Between the look on Tony’s face and MJ’s parting words, Peter was plenty occupied for the rest of the ceremony. It wasn’t until Michael Parker, his line buddy since elementary school, bumped him in the side that he got to his feet and stood with the rest of his class. Back in the moment, Peter found himself grinning with his full face – he was finally done and able to find himself on a different playing field with the people around him. Peter Parker wasn’t a kid any longer.

After giving MJ and Ned a quick hug, Peter rushed to find May and the rest of the rag tag group of people that were there for him. It wasn’t hard to follow the loud noise of everyone trying to talk at once down the hall and right into the swell of his favorite people. The group hug that followed made his heart burst, a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks. Peter didn’t really know much about family – but these people around him felt more like home than anything else on the planet.

Peter got an individual hug from everyone in the group – his face literally on fire by the time he got to Tony; he’d been unable to pull the beaming smile from his cheeks for the past ten minutes. Tony standing in front of him didn’t help, either.

In the few months since their last encounter, Tony let his hair grow out a little, the man not bothering with the dye in it, either. The usually dark locks were streaked through with gray – the salt and pepper look doing too many things for Peter to handle in that moment. He traded the goatee in for a full faced beard that was finely manicured. The wrinkle of his cheek from the beaming smile slipping across his face made Peter’s heart stutter.

Tony looked amazing – better than he remembered.  

There was a brief moment of hesitation when Tony let Peter look his fill. Tony’s wide smile got a little bigger when they finally shared a glance – strong arms were around Peter’s shoulder before he could even think to fill the space between them himself. A soft sigh left Peter’s lips, the solid press of Tony against him the best thing he’d experienced all night. “Hey Tony,” Peter mumbled, his head tucking into Tony’s neck without much thought.

It took them a few extra seconds to pull away – both of them obviously reluctant. Peter smiled when Tony made a bit of distance between them, but kept a hand on his hip, too. The normally colored shades were replaced with clear lens, the brightness of Tony’s eyes shining through them. “Congrats, kid – glad you’re finally done with all this,” Tony said in way of reply to Peter’s greeting. His hand squeezed Peter’s hip while he spoke, a shit eating grin on his face.

“Same – and now that I’m done, you can stop calling me kid. Pete will do.” Peter matched Tony’s grin, a soft chuckle falling from his lips as he did. “Thanks, though – I know all of you guys being here was your thing. It was a great surprise.” He looked over Tony’s shoulder to the group chatting idly with each other. “I definitely get the coolest family award.”

Tony’s hand moved from his hip, the arm slinging over his shoulder instead. Peter gasped at the warmth against his side, being so close to Tony something that still made his head swim. Tony was a little less restrained than usual and Peter was more than willing to soak it the fuck up.

“Sure thing, Pete. Everyone wanted to see you – I think it’s finally sinking in, you coming to officially join the team. I figured celebrating your first step into adulthood was a good way to get everyone together before shit gets real again.” Tony cupped his shoulder tenderly, pulling him closer. “And I missed you. I mean – I couldn’t miss this.”

Whatever Peter planned on saying was interrupted by May pulling both him and Tony into a hug. Ever since finding out that he was Spider-Man and the way Tony fit into all of that, May treated Tony like one of her own whenever she saw him. If anything could make Peter like Tony more, it was that – May’s approval of the good person Tony actually was.

With a final squeeze, Tony pulled away, stepping back into the swell of people around them with a raised eyebrow and a wink. Peter watched him turn and engage Bruce in a conversation, the charmer in him fitting naturally into whatever he and Nat were talking about. Shaking his head, Peter moved his attention back to May, a knowing smile on her face.

“It’s not nearly as weird now that you’re not in school. I can’t tell you why – but, I am less opposed. Just make sure he treats you well.” She looked at him, then turned her head to look over at Tony, who, despite trying not to, was also looking over in their direction. He nodded and tried to smile casually – his jerky transition back into conversation with Bruce probably only noticeable to Peter.

Kissing her on the cheek, Peter turned May towards Thor – her eyes lighting up when the blonde god turned and immediately engaged with her. He could always rely on the churlish brute to charm the pants off anyone sent his way.

----

Peter found Tony by himself a few hours later. They were in the newly refurbished Stark Tower – Tony needed to have a sanctuary in the city and missed the old building – he wrote to Peter about it when Happy enlisted him to move some of the things around the penthouse. Tony was leaning against the railing on the balcony that overlooked the city, an untouched whiskey in his hands. “Mr. Graduate – enjoying your party?” Tony asked, his head turning to meet Peter’s eyes.

He stood close enough to Tony for their shoulders to brush, Peter stopping his hands from roaming by lacing his fingers together in front of him. “It’s the best party I’ve been to, for sure. Thor, Bucky, and Steve chugging beer is something I’ll never forget.” Peter felt Tony’s shoulders shake, the laughing pulling one from his own chest. “It’s nice out here, though – it was getting a little stuffy inside.”

“Glad to hear it, Pete. It feels good to christen the place with something like this. I missed this view more than I care to admit,” Tony replied, the hand with the whiskey in it gesturing towards the city in front of them. “I meant it earlier – when I said I’ve missed you. I tried to play it off, but we both know how well that went.” Tony tossed back the alcohol in his glass, the play of his throat distracting enough to miss the man turning towards him.

Mimicking his posture, Peter turned until he was toe to toe with Tony, his hand grabbing the older man’s arm. “I know. I missed you, too. The space everyone gave me was exactly what I needed. My head is clear for the first time in a while.” He gripped Tony’s elbow and pulled until the older man’s arms were around his shoulders, the hand with the empty glass hanging carelessly. “What does it mean, though? Us missing each other?”

Tony didn’t answer verbally, he simply leaned in and pressed his lips to Peter’s. His lips tasted like the old whiskey in Tony’s glass, smooth and warm. Peter didn’t hesitate to open his mouth to Tony’s curious tongue. In his exploration, Peter gave as good as he got, their tongues tangled and fought playfully for dominance. It didn’t really answer anything, but who was he to complain? Pulling away, Peter let his chest heave before attempting to press back in for more.

“Hey, wait,” Tony murmured, his free hand moving to cup Peter’s cheek. There was an odd look in his eyes, then they were trailing over his shoulder to the open glass that separated them from the rest of the people gathered in the penthouse – there to celebrate him. “We should probably head back inside – do this when there isn’t an audience.” There was a second of hesitation, then he leaned in and gave Peter another chaste kiss.

“I think we try and figure out what it means together, Pete.” Tony finally answered Peter’s question, as if the kiss wasn’t enough. And the words were just as frustrating as the man pulling away from him. There wasn’t anything holding them back – Peter didn’t quite understand the hesitation.

The door to the balcony ended up opening a few moments later, Tony raising his brow at him – the subtle ‘I told you so’ not nearly as stealth as he was aiming for it to be. They broke away from each other enough for Steve to fit in the space between them, his arms wrapping around their shoulders and pulling them close. “Feels good for the team to finally be complete,” Steve said, his words a little slurred together from the massive quantity of alcohol he’d consumed.

It took a few minutes for Peter to extract himself from Cap’s tight grip and make a quick exit back into the house, his head swimming with tons of emotions he couldn’t quite process. On top of finally marking off something that changed his status within society, Peter was getting his all access pass to the Avengers – and from the looks of it, a nice look at what being with Tony Stark might be like.

For the first time since Tony pulled his lips away and did the responsible thing, Peter felt grateful. He needed to take a little while to put things in order – starting with his very drunk aunt. Peter helped her to the spare room Tony showed them earlier, her small body following his lead willingly. She gave him a tight hug and collapsed into instantaneous sleep when her body hit the mattress.

He decided he wanted to change out of the stuffy clothes he’d been in all day and made a brief pit-stop in the room he’d be staying in for “as long as he wanted”. Tony looked at him a second longer than necessary when he said that. Peter let himself pull some of the stuff in his bag he put together earlier that day out and into the drawers, the idea of getting to be there for as long as he wanted too good to be true.

In a pair of sweatpants and a plain black t-shirt, Peter wandered back into the common room where most of the group was still gathered around. All lot of them were drunk, or quickly on their way to being so, but Peter didn’t mind – he always enjoyed watching people making a fool out of themselves when at parties before. Stretching out on one of the empty couches, Peter relaxed and let the sound of his chosen family lull him to sleep.

The sensation of being picked up pulled him out of the delightful dream he’d been having. He tried to keep his eyes closed and fall back into it, but his body wasn’t having it. Blinking his eyes open, he felt himself smile when he saw Tony cradling him to his chest, Peter’s head on his shoulder. Though Peter was much stronger, Tony carried him like he weighed nothing, the ease in which he handled him making his heart race.

Peter clung to his strong shoulders until Tony was kneeling on his bed and depositing him onto the mattress. The arms around him squeezed briefly, then pulled away – the ghost of Tony’s aftershave sitting in Peter’s nose, intoxicating him with every pull of air into his lungs. “You can stay if you want,” Peter babbled sleepily, his eyes already closing as he snuggled into the covers Tony pulled back for him.

Soft lips on his forehead made him smile, the huff of Tony’s breath against his skin spreading all over him like wildfire. He leaned into the touch, his lazy hands trying without much success to pull Tony towards him and keep him there. “I don’t mind.”

Tony pressed another kiss to his cheek, then pulled completely away, his voice sounding very distant the next time Peter heard it. “I’ll take you up on that some other time. You should get some rest.” He let out a barely audible sigh. Peter felt a hand on his ankle through the blanket, then another soft breath. “See you tomorrow, Pete.”

Unable to cling to wakefulness any longer, Peter let the swell of sleep take him under, the smell of vanilla and bourbon fueling his dreams for the rest of the night.

----

They danced around each other for the next few weeks. Peter stayed with Tony until he decided he wanted to make the official move to the Avenger’s compound. It was time to get into some semblance of a normal routine. 

Steve and Nat put together a training protocol and a schedule for patrols and surveillance. Since a lot of his skills were better capitalized in the labs, Tony claimed his talents and spent time showing him the ropes of his and Bruce’s labs and all of the things they were trying to accomplish within them.

On patrols, they were separated into trios, Peter lucky enough to have two people who were just as excited to work with him as he was with them – he usually went out with Tony and Bruce to try out some of the new adjustments or pieces of tech they were fiddling with in the lab. 

There weren’t any major threats knocking on their door, so they took the time to work with everyone and customize an optimal arsenal of tech and weapons to maximize skill turnover. The new sling-ring they made for Stephen when he joined them at the compound was one of his favorite pieces of work to date.

In a lot of ways, Peter was settling in nicely. There wasn’t a single person that doubted his skill, which was a nice turn of events after being Underoos – at least they recognized his contribution to the team. Everyone was accommodating and went out of their way to show Peter the ropes, offer up suggestions, and stand in as combat partners during training. The sense of family only grew the more time he spent with everyone.

Tony Stark posed a different issue, however. They were constantly working with each other, which brought them even closer than ever. Peter understood the way Tony’s brain worked and could hand him tools before he asked for them – it became a sort of game the longer they spent in the lab together. Peter couldn’t pinpoint what was happening, but his chest got a little tighter with want and need every single day.

He wanted to pull Tony aside and ask him why they didn’t capitalize on the fact that their rooms were right next to each other. A part of him felt so impatient to have work roughened hands on him, pulling his clothes off, touching his hidden depths – it took everything in him to keep control over the emotions that were very quickly bubbling over. The rational side of him knew that Tony was giving him time and space to grow and fit within the group in his own way. He could tell that it was important for Peter to have his own place not just in the team, but in the adult world, too.

Peter wasn’t patient enough to see it all play out, in the end. After a particularly close call during their latest patrol, Peter pulled Tony into his room when they finally found themselves back in their quarters. His hands were rough on Tony’s upper arms, the grip probably going to leave bruises by the end of whatever this ended up being. Pressing Tony up against the door, Peter leaned his head against the older man’s chest – a harsh breath leaving his lungs.

“Tell me how you actually feel for once.” Peter demanded, his head lifting to catch Tony’s eyes. “The idea of not getting to you fast enough earlier made me want to throw things – I couldn’t imagine losing you, not after all this.” His hands moved from Tony’s arms to his hips, his fingers digging in enough to pull them flush against each other. “If I’m reading this wrong, tell me – but I can’t stand this little bit of distance you’ve put between us. You’re killing me, Tones.”

Arms wrapping around his shoulders, much like the first time, was Tony’s first response, the cut on his cheek crinkling as a soft smile slid across his face. “Peter – I’ve been letting you get your feet under you. I didn’t want to swoop in and tell you how much I love you before you found a place that was your own. This team is counting on me and you,” Tony remarked, one of his hands pressing into Peter’s chest. “You feeling comfortable is the most important thing.”

Shaking his head, Peter closed the gap and kissed Tony’s lips. The soft gasp he couldn’t hold back gave Tony the perfect opportunity to press his tongue against the seam of Peter’s open lips – he wasn’t shy about pressing forward and deepening the kiss. Peter flattened his hands, his arms wrapping around Tony’s hips until his palms rested over the pertness of Tony’s ass cheeks. Using his grip, he pulled until they were even closer together.

Peter broke away and caught Tony’s eye, mischief obvious in the honey-hazel of it. “I’m comfortable. Will you fuck me now? Or do I need to spell it out for you?” Peter threw Tony a wink and stepped back, his hands moving to pull his shirt over his head and remove the sweatpants from his hips.

Tony’s tongue slipped out to coat his lips, a wicked grin on his face. “I read you loud and clear, Pete,” he whispered, his hands tugging off his own t-shirt. “You should get on the bed so we can make up for all that lost time.”

((how was meeting cl and getting to visit her home? im super curious!!)))

((Off the bat this is gonna be long, so I’ll put it under a read more))

YO IT WAS SO FUCKEN COOL

Okay so first she and SL came up to my place for the weekend, and initially, that’s all it was supposed to be.  We hung out, I got to make them food, we watched Youtube together, we helped my mom try to put together a fuckhuge puzzle, we stayed up late just talking and watching youtube videos, it was great!!

And then the night before they had to leave, we’re watching one of my dad’s favorite movies, I realize that I kinda really don’t want the weekend to end.  There’s still so much for us to talk about and do ;-;

I text CL as we’re watching the movie, and it dawns on me that, had we planned a bit better, I totally could’ve gone home with them for the week and then my parents could come pick me up the following weekend!  I message CL about it and next thing I know, my mom’s telling me she can give me some money and meet them halfway the following Monday!

So the next day, we’re off!  It’s a 6 hour drive, but it didn’t feel that long.  We get to CL’s place and I get to meet her sweetie pets, Xena and Clover!  Both v good gorls!!  And I find out I have to sleep on a paper thin futon that hurts my hips but that’s fine, we kept adding to it over the days so it wouldn’t hurt as bad

But ye the following days I got to try so many things!  I got to play a Switch for the first time, I started playing Pokemon Shield, I got to go to like, 3 different Hot Topics and Spencers and such, I got to try stuff like mochi, bean buns, takoyaki, boba tea, etc, I got to meet one of CL and SL’s friends (she pierced my ears and we got drunk together, she’s cool) We went to a comic book store and a computer store and a Mod Pizza and a legit ramen place and stuff, it was so cool!

Fucken special shout out to SL for being like, legit one of the coolest guys I’ve ever met- the dude can play guitar, he knows sign language, he was my glasses the whole time cause every time we went to a restaurant, he had to read the menu for it cause I can’t fuckin see, he let me watch a shitload of anime, he very kindly bought me some checker pattern socks, he was always so sweet and considerate, and he was the one who drove us fucking everywhere bc CL and I are gays who cannot drive

So yeah mad props to SL

And CL herself is so,,, cute,,,,,,,  like irl she does this thing when she talks where she puts her finger up to her chin, idk if it’s an anime thing, a sign language thing, or just something cute to do but it’s fucken adorable and I love it.  Plus her hair is so fluffy and curly!!  I love!!  She also wore my hoodie a whole bunch and even my hat at one point and I just <3  Plus she gave me headpats and hugs and snugs and liddol smooches and my touchstarved ass already misses it

Oh yeah fucken- three days after I left, my mom texts me asking if I wanna come home early and that she misses me and such, and then two days after that,k she texts and says she can send me money and I can stay another two weeks if it’s okay with CL and SL, which was confusing, but I later found out why she changed so suddenly

This paragraph is kinda sad, so maybe skip it if you don’t wanna read sad shit.  But anyway my mom tells me when we were on our way home that she was suddenly okay with me staying bc at home, I just exist.  I go through the motions day in and day out, doing the same stuff and living in my bedroom.  I don’t do anything really, I just exist.  That’s it.  But out with CL and SL, I’m trying and experiencing new things and talking and laughing all day and night and I’m genuinely happy for once.  My mom realized that and figured that, even though she missed me, it’d be better for me to stay longer.  And she was right.  I forgot what being sad or bored felt like for almost a whole month.  But now that I’m home, I remember.  I’m silent, my default face is a frown, everything is the same.  I try to show my parents my cool neon Eddsworld sign I made with the neon stuff SL gave me, and all they can manage is a “cool” or a “mmhm” and that’s it.  No happiness, no enthusiasm, nothing.  I was bright and happy for almost a whole month, but now I’m back to being a dull gray.

Anyway, tl;dr it was a fucken hoot and I really hope they can come out again for September for my birthday

What were you like at 17? Gah, that feels like a lifetime ago... I can barely remember. In a couple years I’ll be twice that age D: Sigh. Anyway, at that time I was a senior in high school. I had a few friends. I was shy and awkward (that hasn’t changed at all). I was a hardworking student. I had ambitions back then (that’s definitely changed). I had my issues, but not at all like these past few years. I was doing fine back then.

Tell us about your first kiss. It was behind my high school’s drama department with my boyfriend at the time. It was unexpected and awkward, but I was just so giddy about having had my first kiss haha. I remember calling my cousin who I was super close with at the time to freak out about it with and wrote all about it in my journal lol.

Tell us about your worst date. I haven’t had many dates, but none of the dates I have been on were bad.

What’s your biggest flaw? My negative self-talk and being my own worst enemy, my negativity, holding myself back, my stubbornness, self-neglect, being a complete mess of a person...

What’s the coolest thing you’ve bought lately? There’s this website called, “The Magic Candle Company”, which sells Disneyland and Disney World themed scented candles, hand sanitizer and hand soap, wax melts, and room sprays, and I bought a couple room sprays and hand sanitizers of my favorite Disneyland scents. I thought that was pretty cool.

Who is your celebrity crush? Alexander Skarsgard if you ya’ll didn’t know that by now.

What is your biggest pet peeve? people who like to talk just to hear their own annoying-ass voices. <<< lol that made me laugh. 

What’s the song you most wish you had written? I don’t wish I had written any song. 

What do you always take with you when you travel? The necessities like clothes, toiletries, medicine, wallet, some of the medical supplies I need, phone, usually my laptop, chargers, hand sanitizer... and now would also require the addition of masks. I haven’t travelled since the pandemic hit, but that would definitely be a necessity. And disinfectant spray and wipes. I feel like that’s just going to part of the norm going forward even if we get things under control. 

Do you have any pets? Yep, I have my adorable doggo, Princess Leia. <33

Have you or someone you know ever drunk dialed? Yeah. What is the worst break up you have experienced? Honestly, the thing that came to mind first wasn’t even really a breakup at all because we never dated, but losing him felt like one and the heartbreak was real. I really fell for Ty. He said he liked me, too. Things felt so different with him. Like, I honestly thought something would happen between us. I was able to see us together for the long-term. The connection we had was different than anything I had before. My parents absolutely loved him and definitely thought something would come of us. He was the sweetest, caring, most genuine guy I ever knew. Gahhhh, he was a good one, ya’ll. He really was.

Have you ever been stuck by someone very annoying on a plane/bus/etc? Yes. Not fun.

When was the last time you were rejected by someone? A few years ago.

Has someone way older than you tried to hit on you? Yes. He was twice my age and the worst part was he thought I was 17 (I was in my early 20s).

Have you ever been cheated on? No. I hated that Joseph hooked up with his ex a few times while we had our thing going on between us, but we weren’t dating so he wasn’t actually cheating. We were talking, though, and had something going on. He knew how I felt about him. And for whatever reason, he didn’t want me to know he was doing that and he felt guilty about it. 

Did you get lost at all on your first day of high school? I remember getting turned around and not being able to find one of my classes and ended up being slightly late. It was the first day, so it wasn’t a big deal, but still. I even went before school started to mentally map out my route and make sure I knew where I was going so I could avoid that. I was so nervous my first day of high school.

Have you ever been interrupted during sex? --

Have you ever been recorded doing stupid things while drunk? One of my friends and I would make stupid videos on our phones cause we thought we were funny, ha.

Has a significant other ever called you by the wrong name? No.

Have you ever cooked anything and it turned out horrible? Yeah, I’ve attempted baking certain things before and they didn’t come out right. I’m just so not a cook. 

What is the worst birthday you have ever had? I haven’t had a bad birthday.

Have you ever choked on chewing gum? I don’t think so.

Have you ever found anything dirty in a siblings room? No, but I also don’t go looking around through his things.

Have you ever made a bad first impression on someones parents? Parents always seemed to love me.

When is the last time you got into a fist fight? I’ve never been in a physical fight.

Have you ever been spit on by a llama? Uh, no. Thankfully.

Have you ever locked yourself out of your car/house? I’ve forgotten my keys before and was locked out of the house. Thankfully, I live by a lot of fast food places and just went somewhere to eat while I waited for someone to get home, ha.

Describe how you got one of your scars. Spinal surgery.

Describe how you’ve broken a bone, if you have. I’m a paraplegic and don’t have any feeling in my legs, and they’re fragile from not being used, so as a kid I managed to break a bone in my leg once.

Have you ever had a near death experience? Yes. 

When you get cold at home, do you get a sweater/hoodie or get a blanket? It depends. Sometimes both.

Do you require visual assistance? (i.e.; glasses or contacts) Yeah, I wear glasses.

Do you work out? No.

Describe the last cup you drank from. I’m currently drinking my venti peppermint white chocolate mocha with soy from Starbucks. Yum.

What is a food that you always are in the mood to eat? Ramen.

Do you like sausage? I used to, but I stopped eating it because it’s usually spicy and I can’t have spicy food anymore. I went from being obsessed with spicy food and could handle a decent amount of spice to now not even being able to eat something like sausage, which I never would have considered remotely spicy before.

Ever held a newborn animal? Aww, no.

Do you make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles? Not anymore. I don’t even bother with the candles anymore.

Have you ever been to Boston? No.

Describe your hair at the moment. It’s up in a messy bun as usual.

What is the last thing you searched for online? Something relating to a question in a survey yesterday.

What are you sitting on? My bed.

Could you use a massage right now? No. I’ve actually never had a massage before.

Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when its hot in your room? Oh, no sleep is happening if I’m hot.

Do you sleep on your stomach/back/side most often? I sleep slightly turned to my left side. I can’t sleep completely on my back.

Do make sure you dot your I`s when you write? Yeah.

Do you dunk your cookies in milk? Yeah. Or coffee.

What did you wear today? I’m wearing leggings and a long sleeve shirt.

Do medical terms make you uncomfortable? If I don’t know what it means. And even the simplest things sound scary in medical terms.

Are you afraid of failure? I feel like a failure already and I’m afraid of always being one.

Have you been called a bad influence? No.

What about Chinese food? Love it or hate it? I like some Chinese food. 

How do you feel about getting new neighbors? I don’t care unless they’re loud and annoying, which we’ve had to deal with in the past. Why were you last in a hospital? I had surgery back in 2012.

When is the last time you went to a doctor, and why? Last month to get my pain medication refilled. You have to see the doctor in order to get medication like that cause of the super strict regulations on them. It’s a big pain, no pun intended.

She-Ra Inspired Actor AU - III

Maya Sanchez as Catra

Taylor Cruz as Adora

Jessica Cho as Glimmer

Marcus Patterson as Bow

A She-ra Actor AU fic where She-ra and the Princesses of Power is a popular tv series and our lovable characters are played by actresses/actors. Inspired by the amazing fanart and concept by @sunzho and @hey_adora on instagram #cayaactorau, see link below and please follow them!

https://www.instagram.com/explore/tags/cayaactorau/

The Call/Cast Meet

The call that had changed her life had come months ago and even now it hadn’t really sunk in. Maya’s agent, a family friend, had called her with the good news just a few days after Maya’s graduation. She had been at the park, playing with her brothers and the neighboring kids in a game of pick-up baseball, if you could even call it that as it was pretty much a no-rules, all-out game of America’s favorite sport. Remi – Maya’s brother and the youngest of the boys – was catcher and a no-good cheat, who kept poking her in the side every time she went up to bat knowing full well she was ticklish.

Maya had managed to hit what looked to be an infield home run and had been rounding third base and was sprinting to home when her second oldest brother, Rafael, playing pitcher had caught her around the waist. Being much taller and stronger than Maya, Rafael had easily lifted her off the ground and held on tight, laughing loudly in her ear as she tried to squirm out of his hold. “Let me go Raf! You asshole!” she screeched, slapping her brother in the arms and back but Rafael had held on until the shortstop had fired the ball into Remi’s awaiting glove. “You guys suck. So much.” Maya snapped, pulling Rafael’s cap over his eyes when he had finally set her back down on the ground. “You’re so lucky I didn’t kick you where the sun don’t shine.” She hissed, ignoring the way her brothers celebrated the win with their obnoxious dance and their chanting of “Maya’s a sore loser! Maya’s a sore loser!”

Sulking grumpily, Maya had made her way to the bench where she had left her stuff. She had just finished gulping down what was left of her water bottle when her cellphone rang. Digging into the outer pocket of her backpack for her phone, and immediately her heart beat faster when she had caught the caller ID. She had auditioned for a variety of roles leading up to graduation after the epic fail of the She-ra callback. A few had been minor roles for TV, one was for a background character for a movie, but mostly they were commercial roles. Distantly, Maya wondered if she landed that shampoo commercial gig. The casting director had been kind and had even praised her for her natural, long and luscious hair. “Hello? Serena?” Maya answered, wiping the sweat away from her forehead with the back of her hand and hoping she didn’t sound too out of breath from her game.

“You got the part kiddo!” Serena had practically shrieked into her ear, forgoing the typical phone etiquette greeting.

The celebration on the field faded away at Serena’s words. “What?” Maya had landed a few minor commercial roles before but Serena hadn’t even delivered the news with half the excitement as she was now.

“Maya! You got the part!” Serena cheered. “You’re going to be in She-ra!”

“What?” Maya was stunned. “No way! Are you kidding me right now? Did Raf and Remi put you up to this?” Because there was no way in hell did Maya ever imagine landing the lead role in a TV series.

Dazedly, Maya noticed the curious looks her brothers shot her when they caught their names being said. “No Maya! It’s not a joke! You got it kid! You got it.” Serena asserted. “You got the part of Catra!”

Catra.

Catra.

Not Adora than.

Catra may not have been the lead character but still. Catra was a significant role and was infinite better than any of her previous roles combined. Shock and disbelief was fading faster as excitement began to take over. “I got Catra?” Maya whispered delicately. “I’m Catra?” She repeated..

Maya could see the concerned looks her brothers gave her and were quickly trekking towards her. Serena laughed happily on the other end of the phone and Maya was guessing she might’ve been crying a little bit too. Happy tears though. Kind of like the ones gathering behind her eyes now. “Yes.” Serena affirmed behind a quiet sniffle. “You’re Catra.”

“Maya what’s wrong?” Remi asked worriedly as her brothers approached her.

Unable to form words, Maya shook her head and wiped at her tears. “Did someone hurt you?” Remi asked. “Who was it? I’ll quick their ass!”

At the threat Maya laughed behind a half sob-half hiccup. “No! No. It’s nothing like that. It’s Serena.”

At the information both Remi and Raf froze. their eyes scanning the happiness behind their baby sister’s eyes despite the tears and the smile that was tugging on her lips. “Aaaannnddd?” Rafael pressed, anxiety for his sister crawling underneath his skin.

“I got the part.” Maya replied faintly.  “I got the part.” She said a little louder. “I’m going to be in She-ra!” She shouted in excitement, lifting her arms in victory.

There was barely a delay before Remi and Rafael whooped and hollered louder than they had when they won the baseball game. Remi had messed up her hair as he shouted out his congratulations but Maya was too happy to care and when Rafael had picked her up and spun her around the second time that day within the span of minutes, instead of kicking him in the nuts like she wanted to do the first time, Maya laughed and cheered. “I’m going to be in She-ra!”

“Yeah you are!” Rafael hollered.

“Ma-ya! Ma-ya!” Remi chanted, Rafael joining in quickly.

The chanting had caught the attention from the players on either teams and it only took one glance to notice the happiness and excitement emitting from the trio of siblings. It was contagious and it didn’t take long for the others to join in on the chanting as they gathered around the Sanchez’s. News spread quickly between the teams and soon they were all celebrating in Maya’s achievement to her delight and slight embarrassment. During all the commotion Maya had dropped her phone but somehow the call with Serena was set on speaker because Maya could hear her tinny voice chanting along with the others.

These were people who she had grown up with. Neighbors who hosted and attended their summer BBQ’s. Friends and classmates who played pick-up games with her. Kids who she helped babysat. Others who had babysat her. They were a small yet tight-knit community and Maya was happy she was able to share the news with people who cared for her and vice-versa.

“I’m going to be Catra!” She shouted to the darkening sky, now lifted on her brother’s broad shoulder and a wave a cheers followed her exclamation, echoing throughout the field.

That call had been months ago but Maya could recall it as if it was yesterday and it was easily one of the best days of her life. Today, was a different story. Today might just take the cake for being the most anxiety-filled day she had ever experienced. It was infinitely more stressful than any of her past auditions and all those first days of school she had endured.

Her mother had dropped her off with a kiss on her forehead and a genuine “have a good day” at the gates of the studio where the security had been strict. With her bag slung over her shoulder she was quickly directed to one of those golf carts where one of the assistants would courier her to where the cast was meeting for the first time for a table read. Approaching the cart she noticed she wasn’t the only one getting a lift. A short Asian girl, with the coolest rose gold ombre colored hair that Maya had ever seen, sat in the back with her eyes glued to the phone in her hands. She didn’t even seem to notice when Maya approached, taking a seat next to her. “Hi.” Maya greeted shyly, anything to break the awkward silence.

The intimidating girl spared her a quick glance before turning attention back to her phone, scrolling through what Maya guessed was Twitter. “Hey.” Was her blasé reply.

Well. Can’t say she didn’t try. Maya drummed her fingers against the jean-clad thigh, taking the time to take in the scenery around her. DreamFlix wasn’t one of the bigger film production companies but they were certainly gaining popularity in their recent years and their studio lot was the bigger and grander than any lot she had ever stepped foot in. The golf cart weaved past various bodies, buildings, onsite sets and Maya couldn’t help but be amazed. One of the sets they drove past had a hose mounted to a crane where they were testing a rain pour. So. Cool. Her face must’ve betrayed her dorkiness because “First time?”

Maya rushed to close her slacked jaw. Grinning she shrugged. “Yeah. I’ve never been to a studio this big before. It’s amazing. Magical.” Maya added when they passed a group of people dressed up as mystical creatures.

The girl beside her let out a chuckle. “Yeah. It is pretty magical.” She agreed before holding out a hand. “But the novelty kind of wears off when your running late and you’re stuck behind a stampede of trolls and hooved centaurs. I’m Jessica by the way but everyone calls me Jess.”

“Maya.” Maya introduced with a warm smile, taking the offered hand with a gentle shake. “I’m guessing this isn’t your first time here then?”

“I’ve been doing this for a few years now and I had a couple small roles before. I’m mostly in the recording studio as the lead for an animation series but this is my first big gig on a live action series. So I guess I’m seeing things differently this time around.” Jess noted, pointing out where a few guys were heaving a wagon dolly carrying a ten-foot half-built mechanical dragon. “It’s pretty cool looking at everything with new eyes. Though I do know my way around the studio lot. Stick with me and I can show you were they hide all the cookies and the best place to throw a tantrum without anyone knowing.” Jess said with a laugh, her eyes crinkling at the edges and Maya couldn’t believe how she thought this girl was intimidating before.

Maya joined in on Jess’s joke. “Looks like I got myself a tour guide.”

The two of them made small talk, pointing out cool and unusual things from their vantage on the cart as they zipped past sets, giggling and laughing as if they were long lost friends before the they came to a stop in front of a non-descript brown building. It was smaller than the others they had passed but Maya guessed nothing fancy was needed for a table read. After jumping out of her seat, Maya smoothed down her grey oversized t-shirt, making sure it was tucked neatly into her black jeans at the front. She ran a hand through her hair, making sure there were no knots and breathing out a big sigh when she followed Jess to where the cast and crew were gathered.

Just before the assistant can knock on the door and leave them to fend for themselves, Jess reached out and gave a Maya’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t worry too much. You’ve already gotten the part. You’re going to have to screw up big time to lose your role and something tells me you aren’t the diva type. So just go in there and have fun okay? Today is about meeting the cast members and the production team. Then we’re just going to do a little reading. No big deal right?”

“Right.” Maya nodded, shooting Jess an appreciative smile though she could feel her hands trembling slightly.

The door opened and Maya was ushered in, noting that the room was already filled. She hoped she wasn’t running late. The director, casting director and the producer were easy to pick out as they smiled at their entrance. “Welcome Jessica and Maya. So glad you could make it to today’s table read. We are very excited to have you on our team.” The producer said, smiling kindly while shaking their hands. “Looks like we are just waiting on our star and then we could get this party started but why don’t you ladies help yourself to some refreshments in the meanwhile.”

A fold up table topped with snacks and drinks was set up at the far end of the room while the middle was occupied by a conference table with chairs set up on all sides. It looked barely enough to sit the amount of people in the room. There were maybe thirty people in the room already – and easily this was the largest cast meet Maya ever attended – who were huddled in small groups around the snack table and at the front of the room where it was left open.

Helping herself to a water bottle and some chips Maya took the chance to survey the occupants in the room and was honestly surprised at the diversity of the cast and crew. A good chunk of them were women and of various skin colors too. Am I in the twilight zone or what? This is so amazing. Maya thought, happy to know that she wasn’t going to be one of those “token” characters again. This was already shaping up to be a good show.

It was when Maya had a mouthful of chips did one of the rare guys in the group approached her and Jess. “Hi! I’m Marcus!” He introduced, a cute dimple appearing when he smiled and wow, did he have the nicest set of teeth and softest looking skin ever.

Like the majority of the cast, Marcus was a person of colour, he might actually be the darkest skinned person there, with a hipster afro buzzcut, broad shoulders and a muscular physique that even Maya could appreciate. “How cool is this?” Marcus continued as he stared wide-eyed around the room. “I’ve never been on a show with this much diversity!”

Maya nearly choked on her chips when she laughed earning a concerned look from Marcus and Jess as well as a couple others around her. Thumping her chest, Maya had to practically force the water down her throat. “Sorry! Sorry! I didn’t mean to laugh. It was just…I was thinking the exact same thing!”

Marcus laughed, patting her on the shoulder. “Well what do you know, great minds do think alike. Or maybe it’s because of our instant connection.” He joked, wagging his eyebrows up and down in exaggeration.

“Okay Romeo, that’s enough.” Jess rolled her eyes before introducing herself and Maya.

Marcus chuckled good naturedly and shook their hands. They fell into a comfortable conversation, talking about their last gigs and past horror stories they had endured and Maya earning baby-cooing noises when she mentioned how she graduated high school before the summer officially started.

“Aww you’re just a baby!” Jess tutted and Marcus busted out laughing.

Pouting and knowing full well it didn’t help out her case, Maya whined out “I am not a baby! And look!” Maya pointed to a nearby cast member. “That girl is like…twelve!” Said girl whirled around to level a death glare at Maya who stammered out a “ But like also, good for her! Very, very impressive.”  Which only set off Jess and Marcus again, with the latter legitimately having to wipe tears from his eyes he was laughing so hard.

“That little girl is Mei Lin and she is probably the greatest child star in the business right now. She isn’t just a baby. She is The baby.” Marcus explained through his bout of laughter.

Maya shook her head. “Fine. Whatever. I’m still not a baby.” She grumbled under her breath as she raised her bottle up to her lips to take a long pull of water only to have it come spluttering back out when she instantly recognized the newest addition stepping past the door threshold.

Coughing and gasping, Maya did her best to wave off Jess’ and Marcus’ concern as she tried to breathe through her choking. Way to be subtle, Sanchez. “Dude! Are you okay?” Marcus inquired, patting her firmly on the back. “Even I know babies don’t choke half as much as you do.”

Blinking back the tears in her eyes from the burning in her nose Maya offered a flimsy thumbs up. “Sorry. Just...wrong pipe. I’m fine.” She lied, cursing inwardly at the look of alarm she was garnering from the majority of the room seeing it was hard to ignore someone who was choking to death.

She met Taylor’s surprised eyes from across the room. “Just peachy.”

5,8 and 13 maybe? hope you're feeling better soon! 🌼

thank u for the distraction and the well wishes!!!

5 - 3 favorite characters

this show truly has such a lovable cast... if i haaaave to narrow it down to three it's probably quentin, eliot, & julia, but pretty much all the other mains but josh are extremely close there, especially alice, margo, & penny-40. quentin is so lovable and human and soft but also prickly, and so palpably afraid but so brave, and so afraid of people but so eager to love and ready to push himself to love well when he gets the chance, and such, such, such a real and honest portrayal of depression... i'm so perpetually compelled by the way that quentin logically understands himself as a person with a mental illness but also doesn't use that knowledge to necessarily address that. the fact that when we meet him he's just institutionalized himself voluntarily but also doesn't seem to have a therapist and says that he doesn't want to see one. the fact that telling alice he's been institutionalized more than once is NOT enough of a secret to break the ropes but the fact that he hates himself IS - that contrast there, between the psychiatric understanding and the deep deep shame which is both a symptom and something more, that combination of faulty neurochemistry and something that needs to be healed on a level of like self and identity, is so fucking real and something i've never seen before. (and for another shameless plug is a big part of what drove the writing of this.)

eliot is the softest and most human boy in all the land and as i've said before i really love the way show presents him as a type and then insists on treating him as a person without actually changing anything about him. i love that he just can't turn off his empathy or shrink his heart no matter how much that would make his life easier. it's funny because i love queliot as a ship but i feel like my favorite eliot moments are largely with other people specifically because it's so special the way he has this fundamental human empathy for situations like julia chainsmoking on the couch or refusing to put the daughter he didn't want and doesn't know on the line because he just won't be that guy.

and julia, what is there to even say? she's ferocious and brilliant and singular and loyal and totally tuned in to her own internal compass, and also comes across as the most normal cast member while actually being probably the second most unhinged. the writing heaps so much shit on her some of which she really should not have had to deal with but nonetheless what emerges is someone who is determined to claw her way to her selfhood and her autonomy no matter how many times the world tries to deny her that. she is a big dork and everything about her & q is the best thing in the world.

8 - favorite scene

i did this one already.... BUT since it's being asked again and also i am a big sick baby of virus laden brain fog, LET ME TAKE THIS CHANCE to talk a bit about quentin & julia's fight behind the hedge bar, because there is just... so... fucking much going on:

quentin fucking knows he should have told brakebills about julia. he can tell himself all kinds of reasons about Oh They Know Best and he's just some first year and magic is dangerous even for those who got in... but he knows that he saw julia do magic on her own, he knows he's struggled to get his own magic going even while AT school, and most of all he knows that his best friend asked him for something that meant a lot to her and he ignored her, because he liked being special.

he also DOES know that magic IS dangerous, in ways that he knows julia hasn't yet experienced, and he is genuinely worried about her getting herself hurt.

meanwhile, eliot, the coolest person quentin has met in his life who has decided to be nice to him because they are special in the same way, has been vocally snobbish about hedges from before they even walked into the bar.

so quentin has this cocktail of guilt and worry (about julia) and embarrassment (that his cool friend eliot is there to witness his association with a hedge)... and he just... deflects all of it, by being a HUGE asshole. because IN THE MOMENT - the narrative he's lucked into of being chosen in a way that explains away his pain - that matters more to him than the most important relationship in his life.

so he insults her magic, even though he probably doubts he could have learned to do anything combing the internet for spells like she did. and worse - much worse - he denigrates the entire history of their friendship... but the thing is he does so in a way that makes it really obvious that some part of him has believed or feared this all along. i'm OBSESSED with quentin saying "you were so nice and so sweet [such a gendered characterization!!! he's being so awful!!!] to poor little Q who couldn't get his shit together," because obviously, that's how quentin has often viewed himself. obviously, this is a lie his brain has told him many times: julia's not really your friend, she just feels sorry for you.

AND! he brings up his CRUSH! which i 100% believe he himself feels like HUGE levels of humiliation and shame about both because it's embarrassing and because quentin is like just plugged in enough to The Discourse to have figured out along the way that he is slotting into a familiar and uncomfortable cultural archetype. (consider the way he rolls his eyes at himself about it when it comes up with alice later... obvs he's dating her at the time but i think he is very eager to retroactively downplay the strength of his emotions about it.) and he takes all of that and aims it right at her, stopping just barely short of accusing her of leading him on.

which invites the question: DID julia know? i think the way stella plays the scene is kind of ambiguous - she sort of shuts down at that point and you can read it as julia just realizing that this conversation is going nowhere. but fwiw, i think julia is too emotionally intelligent not to have had a suspicion; my headcanon about it is that it was one of those things she didn't let herself know, like she knew on some level but never let herself consciously acknowledge while subconsciously hoping it would blow over, because she did love him more than almost anyone in every way but that.

and then he dismisses her insistence on fighting for magic as though he wouldn't do the exact same thing in her shoes, dropping a "grow up" for good measure because for once he gets to be the mature one living his life and she's the one clinging to a fantasy holding her back... which she sees through immediately and calls him on so rawly that he can't even argue anymore, leaving him where we see him the next scene (wondering how it all got so screwed up between them, like the answer is anything other than "well i made the choice to be a huge asshole, so"). and meanwhile, COOL NEW FRIEND ELIOT IS WATCHING ALL OF THIS!!!!! ugh. it's sooooo exquisite and painful and perfect, and also makes it so much more meaningful and powerful when he comes back to her after learning about the timelines at the end of the season. also adds a lot to his exchange with kady about giving a shit about someone even after they screw up, because part of what's going on there is by that point julia HAS done something heinous enough to consider unforgivable... but he knows himself and knows how uncharitable and reactive his actions were to her even before that happened so he can't ever just say "she really fucked me over and that's why we're not friends anymore."

13 - favorite quote

my favorite character speech is a toss-up between quentin's secret doors piece with "i'm still this person that i fucking hate" and "know that when i'm braver, i learned it from you." also, simple but powerful: julia's "i'm a person, and people heal." the show has too many laugh lines to count but i will give a special shout out to "there's this earth magician, nate silver," because it felt like a special shout out to me, number one nate silver stan.

820

what venue was the last real concert you went to at?: It was in a local arena and seeing as it’s the only big and also the most modern arena that we have in the city, all foreign acts usually hold their shows there because other venues are too small. 

does your best friend and their mom have the same last name?: Not fully. Their moms hyphenated their surnames.

when was the last time you watched a horror movie? what was it?: Sometime in June-ish. It was Midsommar, and we watched the last full show so it was very late at night :c Loved the movie but hated the ride home as I could barely look at flowers or the color white after.

does your mom think robert pattinson (twilight) is attractive?: I’m not sure actually. I think she found Taylor Lautner to be a bit more attractive.

what color is your cell phone?: Answered this on a recent survey, but while Apple calls it space grey it’s really just fancy talk for black.

are you currently waiting for a phone call? from who?: Gab and I are gonna video call later tonight.

do you have any drugs in your bedroom?: I think I have a couple of Biogesic pills left. I remember taking a whole pack of it from my parents’ room because I had a phase not too long ago where I had a headache almost every night.

is there a feature on your face that people compliment you on?: My eyelashes and single dimple get the most compliments. I also never really had acne problems so I get a lot of comments on that too.

what are your plans for the rest of the week?: Professors are starting to put our grades on our student portal thingy so I’m just spending the week waiting for my record to be complete so I can start really feeling like I’m graduating. I’m also thinking of trying to make a Monte Cristo sandwich hahaha but I’m just not sure if we have all the ingredients needed for it. Safe to say that my plans are all over the place.

have you taken your license test yet?: Yes, four years ago. I’ve already told the story on old surveys but I’ll never forgive the LTO for giving me a car I was completely unfamiliar with to use for my driving exam, since it affected my performance and made me nearly fail the test altogether.

are you annoyed with the side-bang phase?: I don’t remember being annoyed with it. It was a big trend and honestly it looked okay on a lot of people lmao, I never felt like I wanted to complain about it.

what kind of perfume do you mainly use?: I haven’t used perfume in a whiiiiiile because I haven’t gone anywhere anyway, but I’d normally put on Beyoncé’s Heat Rush.

how many studded belts do you own?: Exactly zero.

has your boyfriend/girlfriend ever had braces?: Yes. We had braces put o around the same time, but she was permitted to have them removed much later than me. I only had braces for a year and a half, whereas she needed them throughout high school so that’s four years.

if you could get one piercing and one tattoo, where would you want them?: I’d get either a nose ring or nose stud for piercing; as for tattoo, I’d get Kimi’s pawprint on my wrist.

what have you eaten today?: I had garlic rice, scrambled eggs, and two hotdogs for breakfast; milk tea in the afternoon c/o my dad; and afritada for dinner.

what was the last thing you dissected in a science class?: If my memory serves me right, it was some sort of fish. We didn’t dissect often, just three times: an earthworm, a frog, and then that fish.

have you ever experienced being in love?: Yes.

what’s your favorite thing to do?: I don’t have a top 1 favorite thing to do but one of my favorites is to lift my dog up and carry him around like a baby until he gets annoyed and starts squirming around as if to say “put me down” lol.

have you ever drawn a portrait of somebody? who?: No thanks.

did you wear a jacket today?: No, I don’t wear jackets at home.

where did you buy the last album you purchased?: I have no clue, it was such a long time ago – 2013 to be exact. My best guess would be Mega since their CD shops are always the most updated.

what is your best class in school?: In college, I fell in love with my international relations class right from the first lecture. So easy to appreciate a class when you see your prof’s passion bleed through the readings, lectures, Powerpoints, etc. Back in high school, I loved all the specializations of history that we covered: Philippine history for freshman year, Asian history for second year, and world history for third year.

what was the last kind of vitamin water you consumed?: I don’t drink vitamin water but I do take a vitamin C pill everyday.

how many times a week are you told that you’re beautiful?: Uhhh lately, not that much since we haven’t seen each other and we don’t really do video calls that often. Gab usually calls me beautiful when I send her a selfie, but I don’t do that a lot either.

how many years apart are you and your boyfriend/girlfriend?: A month and a half.

have you kissed more than two people of the same sex?: Mmm just one. I kissed Andi on the cheek once and looking back I now acknowledge the fact that I had meant to do it romantically, but I don’t really count it cause it’s just a cheek kiss.

how many times have you had sex in one day?: Such a personal question lmao but I think my record was 3 or 4 times in a day.

did you exercise at all today?: I don’t exercise.

what color of hair did you have the beginning of this school year?: It’s always just been brown. It’s never changed. < Same sentiments, except change brown to black in my case.

who are you planning to hang out with this weekend?: Just my family, as has been the case for three months now.

when are you getting a new phone?: Idk, maybe a few months into my job once I get one.

have you ever seen a transvestite in person?: That’s a politically incorrect term that pisses me off greatly. < Oooooh. Honestly, genuinely did not know this, so thanks for teaching me something new. I’ve since looked it up and apparently the more appropriate term is cross-dresser, and yeah I know several. My university welcomes all forms of expression, so anyone can dress and project themselves in however way they desire.

what was the last show that you almost went to but didn’t?: This doesn’t count as a show but there was supposed to be a wrestling boot camp in Manila as part of a publicity campaign for a brand new wrestling promotion, and Andrew and I had plans on cutting class so we can attend the boot camp and learn basic wrestling moves. It was gonna be the coolest thing ever since WWE legend Rikishi was gonna be the one teaching at the boot camp, but unfortunately and shittily enough, the whole thing had been scheduled right around the time panic over Covid was at its peak. Lockdown started at the same week the boot camp was supposed to happen, so yeah I never got my chance to step into a ring.

what did you wear today?: I wore a UP shirt and a pair of shorts, but I’ll be showering after this.

what book are you currently reading?: Nothing at the moment. I can’t decide which wrestler’s autobiography to read next.

I was at work when Ash posted this, and came out of work to see the notif and then proceeded to sit in my car sobbing for 20 minutes. This man, and this band are my lifeline. I’ve never told y’all my story about how I found 5 Seconds of Summer, but now seems like a good time. I’ll put it under the cut so it doesn’t clog up your dash.

I found Luke around the 14th of March 2011. I was 14. He’d posted his cover of ‘Fireflies’ by Ron Pope a few days before, and there was just something about it that I couldn’t get out of my head. At the time I didn’t think much of it (this was pre-youtube account) and I kept checking back every now and then to see if he posted anything else. In April of that same year, Mike and Cal uploaded a video introducing them as a three piece under the name of ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ - they did a few more covers, most of the time with only two of them lmao, and I kept checking back to see what they were posting. Ash joined them in December 2011 and they became a four piece.

When they uploaded the video for ‘Teenage Dirtbag’, I knew that I wanted to keep watching their content as there was just something I still couldn’t shake. The energy with the four of them had shifted somehow from just being the three of them, and it kept me interested.

They toured a lil bit of Aus in 2012, and I spent my days on Youtube watching shitty videos of them playing songs they’d written themselves rather than covers. They then revealed that they were releasing an EP later in the year. They dropped ‘Unplugged’ in June 2012 in Aus and NZ and I remember being super sad that I couldn’t buy it in the UK yet. It was released WW in December 2012, and you bet your ass I bought an iTunes voucher so I could buy it (remember iTunes vouchers?? Those were the days, RIP iTunes). They moved to London at the end of that year. I remember seeing a video someone uploaded of them doing an impromptu session playing in a park in London and being so sad that I wasn’t there to see them. They did some small intimate shows in the UK while they were over here, but I never got to go to any of them.

In early 2013 they started touring with 1D, but again I never got to see them. I LIVED for the shitty videos people were posting on Youtube of their performances, and I was desperate to see this band I’d become so obsessed with following.

On the 24th of February 2014, they uploaded the video for ‘She Looks So Perfect’ on Youtube. It was at this point that my friends at school became aware of them and started following them, despite me telling them for years that this band were awesome (teenagers, am I right?). On the 27th of June 2014, they released ‘5 Seconds Of Summer’ out into the world. I was 17 years old.

At 17, I was struggling with A LOT. My grandad was very ill, my friends turned out to not be my friends, and it’s probably one of the loneliest periods I’ve ever had in my life. I’d experienced what I thought was heartbreak, and their self-titled album was everything I needed at that time in my life. I finally saw them on the 5th of June 2015. I got to spend two hours in a room with my four favourite people in the whole world. I have a video of them playing ‘Everything I Didn’t Say’, and all you can hear is me sobbing in the background lmao.

Walking out of that venue, I knew my life would never be the same.

I was pretty active on social media at this point, as were the boys, and seeing the stupid things they got up to on Keek and Twitter genuinely made my days so much brighter.

As we all know, ‘Sounds Good Feels Good’ was released on the 23rd of October 2015. I was 18, my parents had just split up, my grandad had died and I felt like the whole world was out to get me. I fell into a period of intense depression and did some things I’m not proud of, and I honestly didn’t see a way out. Then SGFG came along. That is the album that quite literally saved my life. Listening to the four people I admired most in the whole world singing lyrics about things I was going through, being the same age as me, was totally overwhelming. I don’t remember my first listen through of that album - what I do remember is the way that it changed my whole world view.

They understood exactly how I felt, down to the last detail. To this day I have to leave Broken Home and Invisible off of playlists because they jolt me back to a time in my life that I don’t ever want to experience again. That whole album was my saving grace for a long time. I’m eternally grateful to them for releasing it when they did, as I’m gonna be straight up and say that I might not have been sat here typing this today.

I went to their show for the SLFL tour on the 8th of April 2016. I spent most of that night crying my eyes out and getting weird looks from the people around me, but I didn’t care. This was my band, and they were playing the songs that literally saved me. The SGFG era was emotionally draining for me for a long time, and it took me a while to be able to listen to most of the album again as it just felt so raw.

When they took time off to rejuvenate themselves before album three, I was worried. For the last 6 years this band had been what kept me waking up each morning. The lack of content was freaking me out and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. My mental health was on its way down again and I found myself going back to old patterns.

At this point, I’d been in a relationship for almost three years, was engaged, and was living with my then SO. I thought everything was perfect, I had the life that I wanted with a man that I thought I’d be with forever.

In February 2018 they released ‘Want You Back’, and I loved it, but didn’t have the connection with it like I did with SGFG. I missed out on tickets for the 5SOS III Tour (and may have cried about it, but it’s fine), but bought tickets for the Meet You There Tour before they even released the album. This was my band, of course I was going to see them.

When ‘Youngblood’ dropped, I had a day off from work. I set my stereo system up, and lay on my living room floor with the speakers around me in a circle. I wanted to feel the new album, not just listen to it (weird, I know). Want You Back and Youngblood were fine, but then we hit Lie To Me.

‘I know that you don’t, but if I ask you if you love me, won’t you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to me?’

I genuinely felt all of the breath I had in my lungs, vacate. I’m gonna be straight and say that I hadn’t been happy in my relationship for a while despite what I said above - my partner was emotionally abusive, and the warning signs were clear, I just didn’t want to see them. That one line haunted me every time Luke sang it, but I let it play through and moved through the rest of the album. When it finished, I let it play through again. I let those lyrics flow through me, and by the time it got round to Lie To Me again, I was sobbing. Once again, these boys knew exactly what I needed to hear, at the exact time in my life that I needed to hear it. It took me seeing them again in November of last year to make a change in my life.

If you’ve been around for a little while, you’ll know that I’ve shared my Meet You There Tour story before, but if you haven’t read it, you can find it here. I stood at the back of the O2 Academy in Birmingham, a year ago tomorrow (1st of Nov) and cried. Listening to my boys sing those songs in person absolutely broke me, and made me realise that I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I left that show heartbroken, and overwhelmed, and honestly exhausted, but I drove back home and spent the next two months trying to fix the relationship I was so unhappy in.

I thought I’d made progress, but after Christmas of last year, everything fell back into old patterns and enough was enough. Watching my ex-partner walk out of the front door was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I’d taken the plunge, but I was broken. I moved back in with my mum in January of this year, which has been incredibly stressful (that’s another story lmao), but the one thing that has kept me going is these four boys.

Ashton is always the one that I feel the most connected with - I don’t know if it’s because he’s the oldest and people usually think I’m a lot older than I am, but his life philosophy and his attitude towards the things which make him a better person, inspire me every day. Whenever I’m having a shitty day, he always seems to put out a Tweet which says exactly what I need to hear. His love for us keeps me going every day, and I strive to be even half the person that he is. He does so much for us, and I thank God every single day he biked halfway across Sydney to attend that first band practice as a four-piece.

Their music makes me feel a lot less lonely, in a world that hasn’t always been the kindest to me. Because of them, I’ve met some of the coolest people on the planet through this godforsaken website, and the existence of these people in my life makes me excited to wake up each day.

This Tweet from Ash tonight reminded me exactly why I stayed with this band way back in 2011. Their passion for their art inspires me every single day and I am constantly in awe of the way they continue to push themselves and their performance.

I am not the same person I was at the start of the year. ‘Youngblood’ has helped me reinvent myself into the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m so much stronger than I ever thought possible, and I’ve only realised that because of four dorks from Sydney that told me it’s okay to be whoever you want to be.

I will forever be grateful for their music, their passion, and their presence on this Earth. I’ve never stuck with any artist as long as I’ve stuck with this band, and I would not change that for the world.

Thank you 5SOS, for always being there for me, even if no one else was. I love you guys.

BnHA Chapter 194: Dream Analysis and Joint Battle Training

Previously on BnHA: Deku had a freaky dream! All the previous wielders of OFA were there (although we couldn’t see all of them clearly), and there was an epic flashback starring the first one, All For One’s Brother. He spent most of the flashback screaming at All for One to stop toying with people and using them for his own purposes. AFO spent most of the flashback ignoring his brother completely and being a bad bitch. He built an army of loyal followers who eventually grew bold enough to start taking violent and even lethal action against AFO’s enemies. Then one day he came to see his little bro again, and they talked about an old comic they read as children. AFO was inspired by the villain in the story, but his bro identified with the story’s hero, who never gave up in spite of the struggle, until he finally won and saved everyone. AFO was all “well that’s just a story,” which was some great fucking irony right there, and then he bestowed his brother with a quirk, thus unknowingly sealing his own doom. OFA Primo then turned to Deku and started talking to him, telling him there was more he wanted to show him but that this was all he could manage right now. But he told Deku “you are not alone.” And then Deku woke himself up by activating some sort of new power in his hand, inadvertently destroying half of his fucking room in the process.

Today on BnHA: Deku tells All Might about the dream and about how OFA Primo spoke to him. All Might says he’s seen the “Vestiges” of One for All in the past, but that they’d never communicated with him. Shimura had told him about that phenomenon though. Apparently the wills of the past OFA wielders are contained within the quirk as part of its power. But All Might has no clue regarding the explosion that took place when Deku woke up, and he tells Deku that for now, they’ll search for the answers together. As Deku heads off to his afternoon training session, he runs into Aizawa and Shinsou in the hall. We then cut to the industrial training ground area, where class 1-A shows off their various cold weather gear, including Katsuki, who’s got almost a whole new look going on and I love it and never want him to go back tbh. Class 1-B then joins them, and we learn that today’s class will be a joint training exercise. Oh, and there’s going to be a special guest -- Shinsou, who is still trying to transfer into the hero department. And he’s also sporting a familiar-looking capture scarf around his neck.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 213 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

so it’s the middle of the night still, and Deku is out running because he couldn’t fall back asleep

ahhhhh look at his cool winter gym uniform!

incidentally, the title of this chapter is “Wintery Sky! U.A. High!” and yesssss we’re finally getting into winter now! THAT MEANS A CERTAIN SOMEONE SHOULD BE GETTING HIS NEW COSTUME ANY DAY NOW, I THINK. I CAN’T WAIT AHHHHHH

and a brief flashback now of Aoyama giving Deku some cheese to make him feel better after his episode

true friendship right here

and now Deku’s continuing to run, and thinking that even though it was a dream, he remembers it as clear as day

that’s because it wasn’t just a dream, Deku. those are memories, obviously. memories which are now a part of you bud

it looks like his hand’s back to normal. I wonder what quirk it was that he activated?

also is he allowed to be out at night like this? you trying to get yourself put under house arrest again or what?

YOOOOOOOOOO

THIS IS THE COOLEST FUCKING SHIT OH MY GODDDD

though it’s looking more like androgynous trenchcoat dude is indeed just a dude. well, whatever!

at least we finally get to see the First’s face! yessss I’m so hyped this is the coolest fucking thing ever

and now we’re cutting to U.A. the next morning!

oh my god

ALL MIGHT YOU GOT SOME ‘SPLAININ’ TO DO

LOOK AT DEKU’S ANNOYED FACE

YOU KNOW HE FUCKING DID, DEKU. WHAT ELSE HAS THIS ASSHOLE BEEN HIDING FROM YOU. HE NEVER TELLS HIM SHIT

still trying to figure out exactly how old All Might was when he received OFA. we know Shimura died before his last year of high school. and he seems to have met her when in middle school. I guess he most likely received it around the same age as Deku but just had a better handle on controlling the strength part of it as he explained in the previous arc

so Deku’s explaining that he watched until the point where the First received OFA, and then after that the dude started talking directly to him

...does Deku actually think that All Might omitted this by accident? does he not realize All Might was deliberately untruthful?

...

...is this true or not. damn it

I’m inclined to think no, because All Might has a history of Not Telling Deku Things

anyways we’re flashing back to when Shimura told him about this

ah, so is this the explanation for why a power-stockpiling quirk would also stockpile memories, and even what appear to be souls? you’re saying it’s his predecessors’ wills?

(ETA: somewhat disturbing but also intriguing thought that just occurred to me. we know that AFO’s quirk and OFA’s quirk are related. they’re more or less opposites of each other, but they both grew out of the same bloodline. so if OFA can pass along the previous users’ wills, does it then stand to reason that AFO can do the same thing? when AFO imparts a new quirk on someone, is he also imparting a little bit of the previous quirk owner’s will? could that be one of the reasons why the process often overloaded people’s minds and turned them into “puppets”? and also, if this is the case, does that mean there’s actually a 10th person’s will hidden somewhere within OFA? whoever it was who originally owned the power-stockpiling quirk in the first place?

one last thought -- if this is the case, wouldn’t it be great if this is part of what leads to AFO’s eventual downfall? all the quirks he’s stolen over the years betray him, with their owners’ wills working to battle against him in his own mind. kinda makes me wonder whether Horikoshi has ever read FMA.)

and in fact All Might did experience this when he fought All for One for the last time, now that I think of it. pretty sure I even made note of it at the time. Shimura was there telling him to remember his origin. although by that point he’d already given up OFA to Deku, so it’s hard to say for sure. but I’m still choosing to believe it really was her, offering him her strength and support when he needed it the most

always with the not saying things. why do I stan this frustrating man so badly omg

the more we see of All Might, the more I recall what he said to Endeavor about having a tendency to push everyone away from him. and it seems like even with Deku, his beloved protege whom he loves and supports with all his heart and is devoted to, there is still some part of him that he has closed off there. either to protect him, or just out of habit by this point. he’s just used to holding everything in and never confiding in anyone. and damn it but why are all of my faves like this

now Deku’s snapping him out of his reverie and All Might’s like “oh yeah wait a sec”

whoa, but it seems like not even he understands what happened there?

so he doesn’t know about the whole passing along the quirks thing? or is he keeping it secret? tbh I cannot think of a single reason why he would keep that knowledge from him if he did know, because it could potentially be super dangerous. and obviously All Might only ever had the one quirk himself. so I’m thinking now that this is indeed something that only Deku has awakened thus far, which is super interesting

(ETA: so the verdict appears to be in, and it seems he didn’t know. also, yet again here is another mention of that quirk singularity shit. you sure have awakened something dangerous my little green son.)

damn it All Might

he seems so genuine... I feel like he really is telling him the truth for the most part. or maybe he knew it was a possibility but he never experienced it much himself and so he figured it would be the same for Deku

so what I’m taking from this then is that while All Might was a natural when it came to figuring out the physical side of OFA, maybe Deku’s more naturally gifted when it comes to the spiritual side? I’m starting to think of it in Avatar: The Last Airbender terms now lol. All Might was more of a Korra while Deku is an Aang

(ETA: and you know, I think that analogy can even be stretched to their respective coming-of-age processes as well. like Korra, All Might went through the normal training process and was given time to master his power. but Deku is more like Aang in that he hasn’t had that same benefit of being able to learn all of this gradually. like Aang, he’s kind of been thrust right into the thick of things before he was fully prepared for it, and a lot of his growth has been of the trial by fire variety.

and this is only going to get worse from here, because the League of Villains is not going to wait until little All Might Jr. is all grown up before making their move. Deku is going to be put to the test soon, and he won’t be ready for it, and he’ll have to do it anyway because the fate of the world may depend on it. I know the whole SIXQUIRKS thing potentially looks like a massively overpowered upgrade at first glance, but the thing is that he’s still a kid, and he has no idea how to use this shit. look at how much he’s struggled learning how to use just one quirk without killing himself. now throw in six new ones with no training manual. and on top of that they’ve all been cranked up to 11 thanks to that quirk singularity(TM) shit. basically it’s going to be a hot fucking mess that will probably get him into as much trouble as it helps get him out of. he’s still going to be figuring out what percentages he can safely use, and he’ll be forced to put his Big Hero Brain to the test in new and fascinating ways as he comes up with strategies to use whatever he does manage to figure out.

and meanwhile he’ll be up against Tomura and the League and -- eventually -- AFO himself. much like Aang inevitably had to take on Ozai even though he was only 12 years old and his training wasn’t complete. I’m anticipating something similar for Deku in the endgame here, and I think it’s going to be an amazing ride and I can’t wait.)

so now Deku is smiling and he says he’ll do his best

oh!

;_;

;_______;

(1) THIS IS THE PUREST INTERACTION THAT’S EVER GRACED THIS MANGA’S PAGES, and (2) HELL YEAH SHE FUCKING WAS

(ETA: this makes me so fucking sad now because I’m sure All Might would give anything to be able to see and talk to Shimura again one last time. if Horikoshi does kill him off I hope he gets to see her first.)

so now they’re heading out and All Might’s escorting Deku to his next class and says he’s gonna watch and that it seems like it’ll be fun

and they’re running into Aizawa who’s stepping out into the hall himself

OH SHIT

WAS HE JUST MEETING WITH SHINSOU??

okay but I’m pretty sure Shinsou hasn’t been accepted into the hero program yet? because truthfully this is another thing I’m pretty sure I’ve been spoiled for, though that was kind of an inevitable development so to me it’s not a huge spoiler. but anyways pretty sure that won’t happen until around chapter 216 though so this meeting can’t have been about that

given that this is not the first time we’ve seen these two together, I think we can assume that Aizawa has been mentoring him off and on? I keep seeing Shinsou included as one of Aizawa’s kids in fanfics (maybe once I finish this arc I can finally read some of those), so I’m guessing it’s something like that. he’s so addicted to being a good dad that he goes out of his way to find even more kids to adopt in his free time. jesus christ

huh, Shinsou seems much happier than he was the last time we saw him!

... [hair ruffles]

LOL AIZAWA

THIS CLOSE-UP STARTLED THE SHIT OUT OF ME LMAO

and now we’re cutting to one of the training grounds! I think this is the one where they had that race that one time right after the Hero Killer arc. but I forget the name of it though

AHHHHHHH

WINTER CLOTHES

why the fuck can’t Momo wear a cape all the time!?

Tsuyu’s winter gear seems less extreme than I thought and I’m a bit surprised! but I guess it must be warmer than it looks

all Mina did was add a fur collar. girl you are going to freeze your ass off

no comment on Hagakure but you all know what I think already lol

AND WHERE IS MY SON WHO I KNOW FOR A FACT HAS A COMPLETELY REVAMPED WINTER OUTFIT WHICH I’M ABOUT TO BE LIVING FOR

AHHHHH YESSSSSS

COME AND FANGIRL WITH ME DEKU!

OH MY GOD YES!!!!!

IT’S SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIS NORMAL COSTUME. 10,000x BETTER!! THE SLEEVES AND THE COLLAR COMPLETELY CHANGE THE LOOK. THE COLLAR ESPECIALLY, IT MAKES IT SO THE METAL COLLAR NO LONGER LOOKS SO WEIRD. I’M SORRY BUT THE DEEP V-NECK AND THE BARE SHOULDERS WERE JUST ODD

like, I think his normal costume was designed more with his future image of himself in mind, and doesn’t necessarily work as well with a teenage boy who is still growing and still has a relatively lean frame. he’s got a lot of muscle, yeah, but his costume is the sort of thing that would look more natural on someone with an Endeavor or Muscle Might type of build. his shoulders are not broad enough yet for it to really look natural

(ETA: and you know what, come to think of it I don’t think he’s ever gonna bulk up as much as either of them, because the more muscle he’s got, the more difficult it’s going to be for him to propel himself with his quirk. he’s gotta strike a balance there. so in conclusion Katsuki your summer costume needs a redesign!)

so the collar really helps here because it hides his whole neck which helps a lot with that awkwardness lol

anyway I’ll stop analyzing Kacchan’s costume now you guys but please rest assured that I fucking love it and this shit was worth the wait

(ETA: oh my god and now that Awase’s gone and busted up his gauntlets too, is it too much to hope he might redesign those to be a bit less bulky as well? dare to dream!? Horikoshi are you listening??)

and now I’ll let Deku have his own fangirl moment

you guys. I can’t oh my god I fucking can’t

but just. he’s so excited. and more importantly he’s interacting naturally with Kacchan without the slightest bit of uncertainty or hesitation or awkwardness, even though Kacchan’s still being a grumpy grump

and really Kacchan is behaving no differently than he would toward any other classmate. there’s no actual heat there, just normal Kacchan banter

in fact, if you look a little closer at this interaction, Katsuki actually invited him to talk. he saw Deku staring at him, and rather than telling him to fuck off and go bother someone else, he actually gave him express permission to start geeking out. (and then got fucking embarrassed by it oh my god)

in other words, they are interacting like normal classmates with none of the awkwardness and unease and hostility that was there before, and it’s fucking amazing. this is all I’ve wanted this entire time you guys oh my god

(ETA: seeing Bakugou and Deku finally interact again in this arc has given me so much joy. this is easily one of my favorite arcs just for that alone)

so now Ojiro’s coming up to Deku and saying that his suit is the one that’s had the most dramatic change lol. and that he even got new gloves recently

oh for fuck’s sake lol

okay at this point I totally support the Dekacho if that’s what they want to do. but why do they have to keep showing it by having Ochako get jealous of every third person Deku interacts with??

(or rather, every third person with boobs. because if this was a bit more realistic and she was paying just a bit more attention, the person she ought to be the most jealous of right now is Kacchan lol)

ohhhhhhh SNAP

I know it would end up just getting shredded, but Kiri might want to think about getting some sort of winterized non-shirtless version of his own costume too regardless. maybe just get something made from an inexpensive and easily replaceable material

anyway! holy shit, I forgot all about this, but I knew there was something with class B coming up soon because the manga was in the middle of this arc back when I first started reading it. and so this was what everyone was talking about

Monoma is surprisingly flexible

where’s Kendou? and that Pony girl?

holy shit Monoma

“my research”

son, I want details on your sample sizing and the way the question was phrased. I’m not sure if this holds up

lol and even then they only won by 2 votes

did you vote in your own questionnaire Monoma

lmao Aizawa is choking him out with his capture weapon oh shit

“shut up” oh damn. you do not insult class A in this man’s presence

so now Vlad is saying they’re going to have a special guest! and Aizawa’s telling them not to embarrass themselves

is it Shinsou. again, this guess is based solely on what I can recall of the fandom atmosphere when I first started reading the series and before I realized that I should blacklist spoilers

(ETA: okay so rereading this recap, I realize it seems like I’ve been spoiled for practically every damn thing in this arc, and I just wanted to make a quick note that this isn’t actually the case lol. I knew some basic stuff about the Joint Training arc, but I had no idea what the battles would be like, who was gonna win, or that Deku’s new upgrade would come into play the way that it did. basically I knew about SIXQUIRKS (but with no context), Kacchan’s costume, Shinsou’s presence (and what I assume is his successful bid to join the hero course), and that it would be 1-A vs 1-B. so basically most of this arc has still been a ride and I’ve really enjoyed it.)

I love that Baku, Kami, and Tetsu are all demonstrating their own unique ways of how they would befriend the special guest

AHHHH YEP IT’S HIM

THE WEIRD MASK THING OH MY GOD

I HAVE WONDERED ABOUT THIS FOR SO LONG YOU GUYS. HE WAS WEARING IT IN SO MANY FANARTS AND I WAS LIKE WTF IS THAT

and is that an Aizawa-style capture weapon?? oh ho?!

you guys, this chapter was only 13 pages long. and it was so good. that’s not fair, you deserve more pages BnHA. why is the page count so damn inconsistent; I’m already dreading once I’m caught up and I never know what to expect each week

but for now I still get to binge. finally my procrastination pays off. thanks to my efforts, I have another 22 chapters to read instead of like 4 or 5 lol. there’s a lesson in that, kids. maybe. or probably not actually lol

okay guys, and unfortunately I have to end this recap by announcing that I’m going to be taking another brief hiatus, most likely for about a week or so. there is some financial shit I need to get sorted before the end of the month, and I need to find myself another job too so I’m gonna need to do everything I can to focus on that.

I’ll try to catch up with some of my asks and the comments whenever I have a chance. and aside from that, I will hopefully see you guys in a week, hopefully under circumstances where I can breathe a little easier! be well, everyone.

Survey #237

just a warning beforehand this survey has some probably tmi stuff.

Which is better: good 'ole southern food or sea food? Despite coming from and still living in, I legitimately enjoy almost NO southern food. Absolute garbage. I don't enjoy much sea food either though, save for shrimp, so I guess that. Have you ever had a very strong spiritual experience? I dunno. What do you think you want to major in at college? I'm an Art & Design major right now. Minor in? English is my minor currently. What song do you have on repeat lately? Quite a lot, actually. What’s something important you could be doing now? I could be working on finishing the draft to my Writing paper and this week's Art History chapter, but... yeah. I procrastinate all to hell, but I "justify" it with me having SO much extra time in the library while Mom takes her classes that I have a great deal of time to just do everything in there. How do you feel about Circuit City going out of business? I have zero clue what that is. About how often do you go on cleaning sprees? LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what're those? What’s the best story you’ve gone over in an English class? The Outsiders. Is your house haunted? Don't think so. What kind of tissues do you prefer? At least thicker as a single sheet of wet paper and soft. But ultimately it's nota a big deal. What face wash do you use? I prefer the Biore charcoal scrub, but I've been out of that for like... ever, and it's pricey, so we haven't bought any more. So now I use this peach scrub stuff Mom gets. I don't like it much because it's kinda abrasive, so probably bad for my skin, but it at least makes it feel cleaner. Do you reject Satan? I don't even know if a head demonic entity exists. Got no opinion on him. Are you violent? Far from it. Do you use google search or yahoo? Google. Was your step mother terrible? Her political views are fucking trash, but she herself is a wonderful person. Do you know anyone who doesn’t care about anything but themselves? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Are you single? If no who are you dating and for how long? I'm single for now. I don't believe prayer or "good vibes" have any power, but nevertheless, I almost DO pray Sara and I will come back together once she figures herself out and one of us is brave enough to move. Do you enjoy going for walks? Nowadays, no, but only because I'm still recovering from muscle atrophy in my legs, so it hurts quiiite a bit. But in a way, yes, I do enjoy walking as I know it's good for my legs, but it's still painful - but improving immensely. Before it started to get real bad, I fucking loved going on walks down the path by Sara's. When it wasn't cOLD AND WINDY AS A MOTHERFUCKER What are your favorite accessories? Do piercings count? If yes, totally those. And spiked chokers are fucking hot. I'll wear mine again someday, just fkn watch me. Do you wear makeup on a regular basics? Not at all. I am asking for *genuinely* black eye shadow and also quality black lipstick for Christmas, though, for when I do wear makeup. Ours suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. When was the last time you really established your favorite TV show? Oh, idk. It's been years. Write one lyric that really explains the way your life is going as of now? HAHA I'm actually listening to NSP's "Danny Don't You Know" right now and if "you're just going through an awkward phase from 12 to 29" aIN'T ME- Do you ever have any fantasies that involve certain celebrities? Who? Yes. Take an. idk. Wild guess. You can read like one or two of my surveys and already be absolutely sure lmao What is your favorite brand of shoe? Where can you buy these shoes? Converse, and... multiple places?? Does anyone ever judge you for something you naturally cannot help? Oh, I'm sure. Do you support homosexuality in general? Why do you or why don't you? Of fucking course I do. It's natural, and especially after realizing I was bi and experiencing a genuinely loving female-female relationship, I've only grown more ferocious in standing for gay rights. Fuckin try to tell me I can't love her without some sky demon firing me into Hell for it. I'll bring sunscreen. If you had your own personal dance crew, what would you name it and why? I dunno??? Has anyone ever called you an exact replica of one of your parents? Agree? No. Have you ever claimed to be in love when you knew you really weren’t? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I don't joke around with that shit. If you had the chance to meet an annoying celebrity, would you still do it? No?????? Why would I want that??????????? Do you ever lie in the grass during summer or are you afraid of ticks? 1.) That sounds boring and too hot and 2.) I'm fucking terrified of all parasites, so ticks are zero exception. Does it bother you when you see slutty girls getting all the cute guys? *chaotic eye twitching* In winter, would you rather wear jacket or hoodies? Why is this? HOODIES! Mega cozy. Would you consider yourself a good singer or are you tone deaf? Depends on the song, but generally, I don't think I'm real good. My voice isn't stable. Do you think regrets are better left unspoken or should they be out loud? Y'know, a real good question for once. I think maybe... it depends, I guess? Some things are just better unsaid, sometimes vice-versa. I suppose it depends on who you're telling, too. What color is your remote? Does it have any special/interesting features? Uh I know it's black, but that's it. I never use the TV. Name a time when you cried the most: The night of the breakup when Mom drove out to get me (I was walking to his house to talk bc she wouldn't take me), and she had to physically hold me down when we got in the house because I dashed and she knew I was about to do something stupid. I just fucking collapsed. That night is so blurry, but I'll never forget the crying. Fucking NOBODY deserves to go through that goddamn night. What color is your keyboard? It's black, though the keys are rimmed with red light. Have you ever thought about suicide? Too many times. Please please please please seek help if you have even a moment's consideration about it. How do you feel about Obama? I don't know much about him politically, but he was funny as fuck, I do know that. Seems like a chill dude. What was the last lie you told? I dunno, something little. Name 3 things in your purse (or wallet): My Harley Quinn wallet, hand sanitizer, aaaaand my keys. What time does your favorite TV show come on? *shrug* Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? I haven't been to many seriously "scary" places, honestly... so idk, really. Do you like string cheese? NO. What color was the coolest insect you’ve seen? No clue. Probably some butterfly or moth. Do you own any pink clothing? ... How do I not know this. How do you usually style your hair? It's directed to the right with no part through it and swoops over/close to my right eye. Do you use anything to whiten your teeth? I'm also asking for whitening strips for Christmas. .-. Ah, how gift desires change as you grow. I took awful care of my teeth during the worst of my depression, so yeah, I need them. I'm honestly stunned they're in a decent condition now. Have you ever collaborated with anyone on a project (not for school)? Hmm, don't believe so. What is (going to be) your career? I refuse to drop my career aspiration of a photographer. Not giving up on that no matter what. What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Crocodiles' teeth protrude both upwards and downwards over their lips while alligators' only show downwards; crocs have a more tapering snout, alligators' are more rounded; and crocs are generally bigger. I didn't obsessively watch Animal Planet for nothing, y'all. :^) Were you breastfed as a baby? Yeah. That woman had five goddamn kids with no epidural or anything. She ain't afraid of no pain, and she's also like, MEGA into child health, safety, etc., and while formula-feeding is completely fine and valid, it's factual breast milk is a lot healthier for babies. What does your favorite shirt look like? Man, that's hard to pick. My most comfortable and well-fitting one is a Metallica "King Nothing"-inspired design, which is black and just has some gnarly skull designs 'n shit on it. HA HA WAIT, found it! This is it. Just a few days ago though, my mom's coworker went to the NSP 10th anniversary show in Chicago AND SHE GOT ME A FUCKING SHIRT BC SHE KNOWS I LOVE THEM AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH I SQUEALED SO LOUD AND SMILED MY FACE IN HALF. What is the cutest breed of puppy in your opinion? Do not EVEN with this, omfg I couldn't even try. What is the cutest baby animal in general? Have you, like, SEEN baby meerkats????????????? They're not the cutest for the first, like, two weeks (BUT still cute!!), but once they're outside the burrow? Jesus fuckin CHRIST they are the cutest creatures known to the galaxy and beyond. If we're talkin' like, cutest from birth, maybe cats. I adore kittens. Do you have some sort of odd fascination with anything? Perhaps my "strangest" is what's referred to as "vulture culture," which is essentially using naturally-deceased (usually wild) animals for art, such as those popular crystal-covered skulls, necklaces, creative use of wet specimens, stuff like that. I find some odd beauty and respect in creating art of the dead - it's like... making death beautiful and honoring the creature by immortalizing it in an art form. I personally photograph roadkill (that shit's confused the fuck outta drivers lmao) with the goal of forcing the brutality of it onto viewers and just make you think "okay yeah I need to drive more carefully." I don't know if that technically qualifies as vulture culture as I don't really... use the corpses, but nevertheless, I really enjoy doing it. I do kinda question the morality of it, like you can't ask an animal "hey do you wanna be art when ur dead?", so you're left to decide for it, but I think I lean ever so slightly more towards it being respectful, showing the beauty of its life. I WANT TO SAY HOWEVER, I DO FUCKING NOT support hunting trophies. I even question taxidermy outside of being from hunting considering you're not really making art, something new, some sort of message, out of it. There's no creative purpose other than to show "hey look at this dead animal!!", and besides that, it kinda creeps me out. Wow sorry for the ramble, I'm just into this stuff. Who was the last person to text you? Sara. What did they say? Paraphrased, that life has been a serious cunt to her lately. Which is true. have you ever broken someones heart? He fuckin acted like it after two goddamn weeks. I suppose maybe Jason, though I can't really tell you that since he fucked off after the breakup, so it's not like I was around him. I'll admit his health and general demeanor was withering as time led up to it (I knew something was wrong, he'd just never tell me), so he was obviously suffering. I feel awful for that shit, seeing I was apparently that goddamn stress-inducing. Had yours broken? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO I think the whole Internet knows, oops. Do you consider past relationships a waste of time? No. Well, maybe just one. I kinda wanna say Tyler was, but then again, as I was healing, it showed exactly what I would not tolerate. So I guess it had a silver lining. Do you think you’ll be around to see the world end? I wanna say no, but I wouldn't be surprised. It's gonna be climate change (reason #1 for me), the super volcano finally blowing, or nuclear war. Scientifically, we are far, far, far from overdue for another mass extinction anyway. Do you believe in second chances? Yeah, sometimes. Depends. Do you swear? Way more than needed. Swearing a lot just became part of my normal vernacular through exposure to Jason and his family lmao. I was just about always there, and whew does his mom swear like a sailor. Italian New Yorker to the core. To me, "swear words" are just normal vocabulary. What is the nearest photo to you of? A family of meerkats on my wall. Are you good at being quiet? Sure? Who has your heart? I'm guessing you mean romantically? Two people are tearing at it, then. One that's fuckin stupid and needs to stop. Do you like it that way? No. No. Sara is, realistically, the best match for me and a very healthy partner for me. But now that for whatever goddamn reason Jason sneaked back into the picture (metaphorically; he hasn't reached out or anything), hints of obsession/addiction are coming back. I know it's fucking creepy, but I was legitimately obsessed with him. I sent him a perfectly polite and genuine email of ME apologizing to HIM, and I guess that just shot my feelings back up. God, typing this makes me realize to a fuller degree that this is an awful idea. Where is this person? Sara's probably at home; hell if I know where the other is. When was the last time you saw them? I saw Sara this past February. Jason, not since February of '17. Do you prefer desktops or laptops? Laptops because of portability. Sunrise, or sunset? I think maybe sunrise, considering the colors tend to be more pastel. But both are gorgeous. What kind of mood are you in? A confused as hell one. The Jason thing is driving me insane, and TMI WARNING I've been dealing with a fucking ginormous libido that I'm guessing sprouts from my new birth control, and it led me to doing to thing I said I'd never ever do because I only want to share that experience with my partner. Y'know, the "m" word. Saying it feels too weird and dirty. That's the problem: it's so instilled in my head that masturbation is lustful and just "wrong" that my brain is still trying to process that it's okay and natural and, as I found, relieving. I had to look it up and everything to convince my shameful ass I wasn't being "dirty." Hey, on that note: Planned Parenthood offers way goddamn more than abortion, friends. I swear it's beyond wild what I used to believe. But yeah ANYWAY, I'm just feeling weird and still kinda "tail between my legs" today. Do you like fans that blow directly on you or oscillate? Depends on how hot I am. What is one thing you worry about most in long-term goals? "not having enough money to get there.." <<<< YUP this. Right before you fall asleep, what is your usual position? It's hard to tell considering you're falling into unconsciousness... but I THINK on my left side, hugging an edge of the blanket to me. When you have sex, do you keep your eyes closed or open when finishing? I wouldn't know; I've only ever been on the brim before freaking out and we stopped because I was literally scared of how overwhelming the feeling was. That and my family was home and I was having trouble staying quiet lmao. When you have mail do you open the biggest one first, or doesn’t matter? Uhhhh. I honestly don't get mail enough to answer this. I'd probably go for the smallest? When you wake up what is the first thing you usually look for? My phone. Think of the last habit/addiction you quit. What replaced it? Hm. I really don't know. Your phone rings but you don’t know the number, would you answer it? No sir-ree. Do you always take a shower after you have sex? I didn't always back then. Do you let your girl/boyfriend drive, or do you prefer to? 1.) I don't drive and 2.) I'm single. The last time you had sex was it in the morning, afternoon or night? Hell if I remember.