For my birthday this year, I had a vision: an elegant image of myself in old fashioned Hollywood glamor displaying my body as it is, trans and beautiful. Being untucked isn’t vulgar or inherently sexual, though in a skin tight dress, it is much more obvious. I’m incredibly proud of this body. I’ve spent years learning to love it and affirm it. This is my gender euphoria. 📸: @davidelaffe #bday #birthday #bdaygirl #bodypositive #transvisibility #trans #transgender #nonbinary #transfemme #transwoman #transgenderwoman #transgirl #transmodel #transisbeautiful #transpeoplearedivine #thisiswhattranslookslike #goddess #oneofthem #gendereuphoria #celebrateyourself #selflove (at Hollywood, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CjigklgpASt/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Ok here's the dress i got today 🦇🐱 (I don't look the best, ignore that) Gonna do a whole outfit soon and post that sometime.

A moment of reflection

It has been a long time since I paid any mind to this account. I am here to make a gigantic life announcement.

On July 11th, 2023, my life changed forever when I asked my sister if I could put on her black dress (in the photos below). In that exact moment, I felt a cold rush of euphoric bliss as the dress fit me--something unlike anything I felt before. On a whim, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror with my phone and took the first photo below--I saw her. I knew from the cold chills right then and there that my egg had cracked and that I am a trans woman.

From there, my ADHD hyperfixations had spent most of the time since in an intense focus on getting to the bottom of things. And once it was certain (self-doubt be damned), focused on getting my ducks in a row to transition socially and physically. I came out to my family less than a week after I realized myself--I simply went to sleep in a dress and didn't give a fuck who saw me. I figured that if I was half-asleep, I would have time to make myself spill the beans before processing enough to put myself in a panic. Not that I had cause to panic much since I am grateful that my family is either supportive (my mom; one of my younger brothers) or part of the LGBT+ community (my other younger brother and my two younger sisters) themselves. As such, all of them supported me the instant I came out and picked my name of "Adrienne." Hell, my sisters even got me dresses and taught me how to do makeup for my 28th birthday on July the 19th--and later took me thrift-shopping for even more dresses (my favorite photos of which are included)

Even though I never felt any signs of being trans before 7/11/2023, in hindsight, there may have been quite a few signs in my memories. Such as when I was in kindergarden, I recall saying to someone that "if I was a girl, I'd look forward to being pregnant," something which I said ignorant of how hard pregnancy is on a human body--but perhaps is something that should've been a sign. Or all the times I felt as though I related to women more than men in a social sense--loathing toxic masculinity was normal for me, but even the non-toxic parts of it felt like I was just coasting. Or the times in Uni where my social anxiety (likely a product of my autism) plus my brain fog (which I now know was likely the product of then-undetected gender dysphoria) led me to believe that I was so bad at befriending women that I was a serial harasser--something I blamed myself in a now-misdirected sense of self-loathing that I thought only plunging into my academics (at the expense of a social life) would cure. Or my general sense of depression over much of my post-Uni life that I had no idea of the cause--until my egg cracked and I saw the problem right in the eyes.

Not going to lie, seeing posts on Reddit, Discord, and Mastodon from other transfemmes (especially those with Autism and ADHD--like myself) with similar life experiences to me and befriending them ended up assuring me that I was never broken. Just misdirected the entire time. And little things like dresses, makeup, shaving my legs, stuffing a sports-bra to give myself the convincing illusion of breasts, and feeling as though I am swimming in my pool for the first time in my own body since pre-puberty. Every day since my egg cracked, my resolve that I am a trans woman has only grown more-and-more.

In the afternoon on my 28th birthday (7/19/2023), I took my phone with me to walk to the woods outside the front yard of the lake house I was spending the week with my family on vacation. I was determined to make the call to my local Planned Parenthood to schedule an HRT consultation under informed consent. While I was successful, I was taken a bit aback by the fact that the waitlist for it is so backed up that the soonest I could be scheduled was October 2nd. After I successfully scheduled myself, my immediate thought was "I don't want to have to wait that long." And so later that week (upon returning to my hometown), I was directed by someone on Mastodon to a DIY HRT directory of international pharmacies that I can order HRT from. I chose to order 2mg Estradiol and 100mg Spiro from Thailand and--last I checked--the shipment is on the plane now and will arrive anywhere between 8/15/2023 and 9/5/2023. It is a 3 month supply of HRT--long enough to last until the consultation gives me officially regulated hormones yet short enough that I won't suffer health problems from being unable to check my bloodwork.

Even though I am resolute that transitioning is the only correct choice for me, I will not lie that I have some anxieties about this still. Not with the transition itself, but some things that accompany this. Since I couldn't immediately afford to bank sperm, a major source of anxiety is and was having to make the choice between fulfilling myself or having bio kids. As is, my options for children are hoping I get supremely lucky with some still-active swimmers, hope I can go off hormones and bank sperm at a time where I have a stable income (I'm also using a job coach system to place me into a job now--and the system knows of and is supportive of my transition), adopt children, or end up step-parenting a child of a future date. I don't see adopting or step-parenting a child as meaning that that child is less 'mine' than a biological kid, but I do think having a bio kid would be nice when the time is right to raise them (probably a decade down the road). I hope that future generations of trans people do not have to make this choice. And that isn't even considering that the idea of bottom surgery has crossed my mind a few times--I don't dislike my natal genitals, but think it'd be cooler and more gender-affirming with a vagina (that's just me personally---you are valid if you don't agree with me); it's a thought I'll put a pin in for now and see how I feel down the road.

The other annoyance is my mom. Yes, she is supportive of my choice to go on hormones (I haven't told her the DIY HRT route as she is a stickler for offical pharmacutical medications and I don't want to worry her unless the signs of feminization become too noticeable to hide). However, she is just as surprised about this as I am. She thinks I am going too fast--aka, she hasn't been aware that transition can come from euphoria instead of dysphoric suffering. I'm glad I didn't have to suffer in order to realize my identity and hope it becomes more accepted that that is a valid path to realizing yourself. But mom is slow to adapting her terms. She thinks "Andi" (just one letter off from my deadname) is a sufficient nickname for "Adrienne" instead of "Adri" or even "Addie." And she's also referred to me as "he" or "son" when I am neither. I've gently starting nudging her as of today, but something tells me it will take a little bit to get her to adjust.

Overall, I am excited to begin my body transitioning into a female form. I've made peace that I probably was a woman the whole time. My brain fog may have been caused by years under the wrong hormones (testosterone instead of estrogen). I want my body to run on the correct fuel. Give me no brain fog, give me soft skin, give me reduced body hair, give me greater emotional range, give me girlsmell, give me boobs. And at this point, I love being trans. Because in a way, all the questioning that got me here made me more sure of who I am---almost as though the end-result is an hard-earned victory that I am eager to claim the spoils to.

As for fighting the political battle against transphobia, I'm all for it as a liberal and as a human being who is appalled with what is going on. However, I am focusing all my energy on transitioning at the moment. When I have energy to spare, I will fight the good fight. But I have to live life a little bit as me first.

EDIT: One thing I forgot to mention in the large body is that paying for the DIY HRT put me back on my insurance payments and that I will need mutual aid in order to pay my insurance so that I can afford the officially prescribed HRT after the Planned Parenthood consultation. Below are links to my PayPal and Venmo accounts. If anyone would like to donate, it would be VERY much appreciated. But only donate if you can do so without putting yourselves in financial jeopardy.

Venmo: https://www.venmo.com/u/adrienne-harper-115

PayPal: https://paypal.me/AdrienneHarper7

Hello all! I'm back from my trip to GA to visit family, and I've survived to tell the tale! This was my first time going home since before COVID, I believe the last time I went home was early 2020, just before the first lock downs started. In that time my family moved to a new home in a different part of the state, COVID happened, I've moved twice, and I've come out and started working towards transitioning. But before we get into all the family stuff, we'll cover some other big stuff, such as my first time flying while trans, and my first visit (finally!) to a nail salon! I will preface this by saying that I am fortunate enough to be able to use the precheck line when I travel, which lets me skip some of the more thorough stuff that tends to get trans folks flagged for a "hands on" interaction with TSA. However, I did have a few awkward moments on my way through the airport, and one rather unpleasant one... At the ticketing counter, I had to show my ID. The lady there looked me over and said "this isn't you". Which led me to have to explain myself, not a big deal, though I could have done without the random man at the next kiosk saying how I "sure fooled him" 🙄 Getting through security was fine, TSA didn't even look twice at me, aside from the nutritional shakes my wife had snuck into my bag that they ended up taking away.🤷‍♀️ No one on the plane paid me much attention either, so smooth flying there... But, upon reaching our destination, we had to pick up a rental car. The lady at the counter was very nice and didn't bat an eye, nor did the man at the lot who handed us our keys. However, just when we thought we were home free, I pulled us up to the exit gate, presented my rental agreement, and was met with laughter from the man there. That stung a bit... I realize now this caption is getting rather long, so I'm gonna cut it here. Stay tuned for part 2, where we explore a bit of Savannah, GA and visit the nail salon! As always, have a great week(end) my friends! #girlslikeus #lovewhoyouare #freetobeme #lgbtqai #mtf #transgirl #genderbend #gendereuphoria #mtftransformation #transisbeautiful #tgirl #transgender https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce8dpzZuNvG/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Documenting the 'fit - my professional wardrobe is in transition, much like my identity. Finding gender euphoria in the clothes I wear may be as simple as a wardrobe of structured suit jackets and flamboyant patterned shirts on top of jeans and Blundstones. Anyway, this evening I successfully hobnobbed with city councilors and a delegation from a partner city in Spain - my life is weird and wonderful - and made some great connections with other folks working in immigration and business. . . . #GenderEuphoria #ThisIsWhatALibrarianLooksLike #FireHairDontCare #Librarian #GenXLibrarian #WheresMyPlaidShirt #Queer#QueerLibrarian #Genderfluid #DontCallMeLady (at Halifax, Nova Scotia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CfC2QRXJcP7/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

"I was lucky to grow up with full autonomy on how to dress and present myself. As a kid I was obsessed with the musical Oliver! so I dressed as a Victorian boy, in a waistcoat and flat cap, for a lot of my childhood. Since my teens, my style has oscillated between tomboy with long hair, to more masc with a buzz cut and a binder"

Al is 1/3 of the Lost Souls Club. A social meet up based in St.Leonard's on Sea

“Glam to Death” Pen and Ink.

My gender is the boiling hotdog/macncheese water that I just splashed onto my delicate floral shin-length skirt

when people can’t tell your gender>>>>>>

Some recent gender euphoria. Happy Pride! Drink lots of water - we need hydrated queers this weekend! #lgbt #queer #genderfluid #euphoria #gendereuphoria #pridemonth #pride (at Minneapolis, Minnesota) https://www.instagram.com/p/CfJ-TJBuXuK/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Gender Euphoria is me feeling like what the 1990s WISH they were 🥰 💕 #gendereuphoria #TheyLoveThem #theythem #ootd #1990s #90sfashion #90sdream #me #LoveThem #genderqueer #pride🌈 #pridemonth https://www.instagram.com/p/CezjMxAtcsu/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

The new clothes i got. I love them so muchhh Also my gay platforms hehe (Thx to my sister for taking the photo) • • • • • • • • • • #transmakeup #transphotographer #transgender #transpride #gothbabes #transgoth #gothgirl #gothgirls #nonbinaryfinery #transgirl #motd #transmodel #altmodel #gendereuphoria #gaypunk #lesbian https://www.instagram.com/p/ClKLwuxyJDJ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Prepping for my class “From Gender Dysphoria to Gender Euphoria” while enjoying the morning ambiance at RoosterCat Coffee House @roostercatcoffeehouse Come join me today online at 11a Pacific, 2p Eastern, 8p CET for this class at Kara’s House! @karada_house https://karada-house.de/events/euphoria/ When discussing transgender experience, there is often a focus on gender dysphoria, the distress someone experiences due to a mismatch between their gender identity and their sex assigned at birth. But what about gender euphoria and the powerful joys that can come during the varieties of transgender and gender-expansive experiences? In this discussion/class we will look at the diverse types of dysphoria before diving into the power and beauty possible when we are seen in our gender or can find the power possible in the journeys we are on. Though this discussion will center on the voices of transgender, gender non-conforming, non-binary, and gender-expansive individuals, people of all gender experiences are welcome, as well as partners and allies of those on diverse gender journeys. Trans* and Non-Binary voices will be centered, others are also welcome to attend. #Transgender #Trans #TransHappinessIsReal #OnlineEducation #GenderFluid #GenderEuphoria https://www.instagram.com/p/CeydrlguYWN/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Hello all! Transition update time, and on a #transformationtuesday of all days, go figure! Yesterday I had my intake appointment with the transgender care team at Walter Reed. If you're not familiar, Walter Reed is one of top military medical centers in the country, and I am incredibly fortunate to be located where I can take advantage of their wealth of services, including gender affirming care! My doctor was attentive, welcoming and eager to support me! She laid out a variety of care options, and explained the approval process to me in detail, as well as making recommendations on other services I might want to consider. Our next step will be to submit a treatment plan up through my chain of command, which is currently being drafted and should be ready for my review in a few days! In the meantime, I'm starting with a new therapist to help me manage my dysphoria and such during transition, and I was also pointed to a weekly support group that I will likely start attending soon! If you've made it this far, I'll explain the two photos above😅 On the left is my mall outfit from this weekend, and on the right is my "boymode" outfit from our weekly trip to the local base grocery store. I've resisted so far expressing much femininity on base, due to not yet being out at work and concerns over how I would be recieved. This trip proved those concerns to be much overstated. I was still read as female in most cases, though I'm sure using the men's room was a giveaway. But, there are rules to maneuver with the military, and until I get my approval in writing, I can only push boundaries so far in military terms. Big steps forward, still a long way to go, but we're on the right track! Next on the agenda will be seeing the Endocrinologist (TBD), fully coming out at work as I begin (TBD), and sitting down with my parents to inform them that I've begun (next week most likely)! As always, have a great week my friends! . #girlslikeus #lovewhoyouare #freetobeme #lgbtqai #mtf #transgirl #genderbend #gendereuphoria #mtftransformation #transisbeautiful #tgirl #transgender #transmilitary https://www.instagram.com/p/CegBbW4u6ER/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

"My style aesthetic is in perpetual motion,

It runs across a spectrum in tandem with my gender identity.

Whether it's high waist Levi's with a vantage corduroy shirt, or pink zebra print trousers and a baggy tee shirt, it really just depends where I am that morning".

Kai is 1/3 of the Lost Souls Club. A social meet up based in St.Leonard's on Sea.

"Split Gillian" Pen and Ink.