BASS / HEARTBEAT, inspired by the similarities btwn sucking dick in club toilets and dancing
two spreads from g*ndershit issue 3: partyscape, a zine that i designed and is very cool so you should buy it!! (all profits to trans mutual aid)
transcription under cut
(the same poem twice, with some words smudged out and changed in each instance)
[bass/heartbeat] exploding in your chest
swallowing up [your heartbeat/the bass]
from a room over / mouth wet and open
[drink/cum] evaporating on your lips
its glisten stolen back by [your/his] tongue
time is the caught glimmer of skin thru mesh
[the dance floor/your mouth] sticky and stretching
[beat/he's] throbbing [ /it's warm]
and you stay like this
brief / and content for it
grabbing the moment / one then two handed
and pulling gently
I've taken the flesh built from Adam's rib and made it my own, and I put my fingers in his wound and worshipped him like he deserved, because we are not men as god has made us, but as we have made ourselves, and so we have made ourselves gods in our own image, and with my fingers in his flesh i said "Look at us, we are men." Our bodys are holy ground, we made them such and so we took turns worshipping what we created on our hands and knees, inventing devotion. We gave eachother the grace and divinity that such an act of creation earned, inventing faith. We have made ourselves holy all on our own.
I wrote this the other night after work as a way to put the dichotomy I feel as a queer Christian. It feels like I’m caught in the middle of a war zone. Like I’m being torn down the middle. Like I won’t ever belong to either world fully. It’s a painful thing that I struggle to express in words. Also I don’t think I’ve ever shared my poetry here before.
Image ID: White text on a black background. The text reads as follows:
Yearning
It's a strange feeling
To want something so bad that you lay awake thinking about it
To want to be held by hands you have yet to meet
To kiss the lips of someone who has never noticed you
I want to be noticed
I want to be noticed the way I notice others
I want someone to notice the small things about me
Like the freckle on my nose
The limp when I walk or even the way my nail beds are destroyed
I want someone to notice the small things
Like how I noticed the way he squinted when he smiled
The way his hair framed his face, the way he was overly cautious
I want to be loved the way I loved him
For someone to lay awake thinking of me
To think about me the way I thought of him
For me to fill their before bed daydreams
I want someone to think of kissing me
To think the things I thought about him
I want them to hold me
Hold me like he never would
I want someone to hold my face and wipe away tears
To tell me I'm pretty even though I'm broken
I want someone who will cherish me the way I cherished him
I want someone to keep their promises
For them to say “I love you”
I don't want them to break my heart
Not the way he broke my heart
I cannot describe how much I hate homophobia. It's so viscerally upsetting. It destroys relationships. It destroys hearts. It destroys people. It hurts me.
I can't look at the line where the clouds touch the sky. It's raining outside. There's rain on my cheeks. Don't worry about me.
I miss her. She misses me. Her mum hates it. My dad hates it too.
It destroys relationships. It destroys hearts. It destroys people. It hurts me.
First time I really noticed it, she looked at me and told me that I was prettier than anything else in the world. My cheeks hurt.
I miss her. She misses me. Her mum made her call me. My dad rolls his eyes.
It destroys relationships. It destroys hearts. It destroys people. It hurts her.
I remember when I put on my favourite song. We looked up at the stars and she kissed me. It was better than anything else. It was inexperienced. It was indescribable. It was incredible.
I miss her. She misses me. Her mum made her end it. My dad heard me describe it.
She cried down the phone and the tears flooded my own eyes. I couldn't stop crying. I can't stop liking her. I can't. I can't. I won't. I can't.
I cannot describe how much I hate homophobia. It's so viscerally upsetting. It destroys relationships. It destroys hearts. It destroys people. It hurts us.
You're at a party and you feel a little out of place just like you do at any social event. And you're standing out of the throng of it even if that word doesn't really describe the little group that's attending your best friend's birthday party. But you stand aside making small talk and sipping on your coke and when you go to greet your friend you realize that your friend has fangs. It’s a costume party and he’s dressed up as a vampire. You realize that your best friend has fangs and you're suddenly sleeping beauty, you want to reach out and prick your finger on one as if it’s a spindle.
They poke out of his lips, parallel with each of two crests of his Cupid’s bow, the points make indentations in his bottom lip when he smiles and all of a sudden you realize that you are a boy in love.
He asks you what's bothering you because you haven't stopped staring and you're wondering if there's some sort of hypnosis involved, but your feelings are utterly and terrifyingly real and you jump when your best friend puts his hand on your shoulder. He's looking at you like he's worried and he asks again what's wrong because you're acting weird. You are. You're staring at the space between the corners of his mouth and his voice is sweet as sugar and smooth as honey as he smiles politely and you are a boy in love- in deep, gut-wrenching, heart-pounding love.
And you're at his party and your best friend has fangs and he's paying attention to you and only you and you can't take it anymore, you tell him happy birthday and you beg him to bite you.