#exactly my flavor of absurd
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My husband knows that I write fanfiction, but he doesn't know what I write and has never read any of my writing. However, my husband is not stupid and immediately knew what character my stories were about. 😂
The thing is, he is convinced I'm writing a longfic romance between Loki and the Tenth Doctor because, again, he is not stupid and is aware of my tastes. 🤣
Any time he sees me typing on my phone or laptop he assumes I'm writing fanfiction (he's right maybe 50% of the time lol) and he has taken to dropping into a dramatic voice and narrating a short scene in this fic he's sure I'm writing.
I told him he should write them down but he refused, so I'm doing it for him. These snippets are non-sequitur, unpolished, and generally do not have anything more to them than what you see here.
Enjoy.
The Doctor reached out to touch Loki's cheek, but he vanished, it was only an illusion. "Just as well," he thought, "I have Daleks to fight."
The Tenth Doctor glared at Dalek Sec and said "Dalek Sec? I'd rather be having sex!"
Moses threw his staff onto the floor and it turned into a snake. The children of Israel rejoiced and went off to do something else. Once everyone was gone Loki turned back into himself. The Doctor stuck his head out of the TARDIS and said "Can we go now??"
I plan on saving as many of these as I can for posterity, so if you don't want crackfic snippets on you dash, which were not so much written as they were rambled, then block the tag "Mr. Maple's Fanfiction".
#Mr. Maple's Fanfiction#The one with Moses is my favorite#exactly my flavor of absurd#which I guess is how we got here in the first place
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Sitting Out the Storm | Jisung
Park Jisung - NCT Dream
Word Count: ~6.2k
Pairing: Jisung x AFAB!Reader
Genre: Reader-Insert, Fluff, Cuddling, Eventual Kisses, Pining, Flirting
Warnings: She/Her Pronouns used, Blizzard/Snowstorm
Author's Note: I squealed so much writing this because right when I realized that sweet little Jisung had gotten super hot (I was in denial for a while), and this came out. He's younger than me by a few years and since I have been into Kpop for such a long time, it was weird that he was younger than me. My friend and I struggled with Dream at first because they were our age or younger and we weren't used to it. I'm over it now.
I am cross-posting this on Archive. Please reblog! If you know anyone that would like this or future fics but they aren't on here my name and icon are exactly the same on the other two sites. Happy reading!
As you stepped out of the convenience store, you felt a drop of cold on your cheek. Looking up at the streetlight, you saw the small flakes drifting down from the sky. Reaching out a gloved hand, you watched a bigger one hit the pink fleece and melt into it, making you smile. You loved snow, it was so pretty. Though, when it had been there for months and hadn't yet melted and was mixed in with a good deal of dirt, then it was time to go. However, it was the beginning of November and had not yet snowed for the season. Getting snapped out of your reverie by your phone alarm going off, you pulled it out of your pocket and headed down the sidewalk. You had five minutes to get back to campus before your phone would blow up with texts and missed calls. The group chat already started to ding, and you rolled your eyes, shutting the sound off before someone thought there was an emergency alert going off.
"I am bringing you guys food." You grumbled, picking up the pace and crossing the street to get back on campus. You started a trot and saw a group huddled together in the middle of the commons near the recently-turned off fountain.
"FOOD." You heard a shout and then the stampede stormed over to you, the four bags wrenched from your hands.
"You're welcome." You grumbled and waited for them to sort stuff out so you could get your own snacks.
"Hey, that's mine."
"You already got yours, there was two."
"This is the wrong flavor."
"It is?"
"I wanted strawberry."
"This brand doesn't have strawberry."
"Why is this cold?"
"Because it's ice cream…"
"Thank you." You are pulled out of the argument of nonsense by a soft voice next to you. You turned to see the youngest of the group giving you a small smile, his snacks gathered in his large hands.
"Sure, Ji. Did I get yours right?"
"I think you got everyone's right, but Chenle stole Renjun's and Hyuck's." He whispered and you snickered.
"Noona!" A very loud voice shouted from a short distance.
"Yes?"
"I have yours!" Chenle held it up in the air as if to throw it and you, "don’t!"
"Aw." He sighed and walked it over to you and you snatched the bag of candy from him. You gave him a look.
"What?" When he didn't move, you shoved your hand in his pocket, to which he screamed, and grabbed your bottle of water.
"I've been violated!"
"You're so loud!"
"He's always loud!"
"Now you're loud."
"Hey! We're in public!" You scolded as a group of girls walked past whispering to each other. Despite the dark, it was only a little past 6, so people were still leaving classes. The seven boys quieted down and shuffled nervously under your scolding gaze.
"Now let’s go, its cold out and we're already late." You looked at your phone. It was only a minute past, but they had scheduled the game room for 6:30 and could only stay for a couple hours. Last time they didn't reserve it, the football boys had taken over and there was only so much seven pretty Asian boys could do against a group of sweaty muscle heads. You did not want to ever go through that absurdity again. When the game room was reserved, it really just meant that the group had exclusive access to the TVs and consoles, but the rest of the room was still open. The set up allowed two groups of four to play each other on separate consoles, but in the same room. You were not normally one for multi-player video games, but playing with them was honestly fun. The two teams would work together to take the other people on the server out and then go up against each other. You could always hear the groans of the others through their headsets when you guys logged on. Because of where you played, there was no live-speech engagement and eight people against everyone versus four is a little disadvantageous.
"(Y/N), come here," Jaemin waited for you and linked your arms. He was trying to suck up your warmth and it made it somewhat difficult to walk.
"We have like two minutes; you can deal with being cold."
"You are now my personal heater."
"No."
"Yes." Little did you know, trailing in the back were the two youngest.
"You're frowning." Chenle whispered, something he hardly ever did.
"No." Jisung cleared his throat, burying his hands deeper in his pockets, they were almost too big to fit.
"Yes."
"I'm cold too." Donghyuck ran backwards from where he was by Mark and linked his other arm with yours.
"How am I supposed to walk now?" You were being jostled between the two, the height difference making your gait uneven and now you were too warm. Chenle heard Jisung grumble and burst into his dolphin-laugh. Mark, Jeno and Renjun leading the pack were talking about something that happened in their class that day, Hyuck and Jaemin were arguing about something, Chenle was teasing Jisung, and you were beginning to regret your life choices.
"Okay, I really can't keep walking like this," You scolded and the two on your sides ignored you.
"Guys-"
"Let her walk on her own!" Jisung's surprisingly deep voice rose, and everyone halted in their tracks to look at him. The two sheepishly let you go, shocked by the maknae's outburst. You sighed in relief and ran ahead, between Mark and Jeno, and to the door of the activity center.
"Come on, you heathens!" You called for them, holding the door open as they shuffled inside, still shocked by Jisung's shout. Chenle was giggling as he walked past and Jisung gave you a small smile.
"Thank you." You beamed and his heart thumped, and you followed him inside. Going to the hall leading from the side entrance, you all arrived at the game room. Luckily that night was pretty calm and there were some seniors playing pool and a few girls playing at the old Dance Dance Revolution machine in the back. You went over to the snack bar to the guy running the sigh up sheet and he grinned.
"Good night for you guys, not many people here." He slid the clipboard to you, and you signed your name again next to where you had reserved the TVs. The boys began to settle in, throwing their coats in a pile on the floor, and spread their snacks out on the coffee table. You moved to your usual spot and found that it literally was taken. The chair was gone.
"Hey, where'd the red armchair go?"
"Some kid spilled soda on it, it dried sticky, someone sat on it and when they stood up, tore a big hole in the upholstery." The supervisor told you and you scowled down at the empty spot.
"Where will I sit?" You whispered to yourself.
"Noona, sit with me!" Donghyuck called to you from the other armchair.
"There's no room!" Renjun pointed out.
"We three barely fit on these couches." Mark added and you realized you would have to sit on the hardwood floor.
"She can sit on my lap." Jaemin suggested, you couldn't even see his face but knew what it looked like based on his tone of voice.
"Renjun can sit on her lap." Jeno teased and the other boy glared at him.
"I'll sit on the floor, Noona." Jisung stood up from where he normally sat next to Chenle. You didn't catch the look the second-youngest gave the other, but Jisung glared in response.
"Thanks Ji." You smiled and he sat down in front of Jaemin on the other side of Chenle. You sat down next to the loudest one and told him, "Don't shout in my ear, please." He whined in protest and Jeno handed out the controllers.
"Hurry up and sign in!" Donghyuck called to Mark who was furiously moving the joystick to get their credentials plugged in. Right as he hit enter, the game didn't not start to load in, because the power went out.
"What!" Someone shouted, the girls in the back corner screamed in anger, one of them was about to beat a high score. After a few seconds, the emergency lights kicked in and cast a dull glow around the room. A ding came out of the speakers and a tired voice spoke up.
"Attention all students. Due to the incoming blizzard, it seems the power grid has malfunctioned and the power to the south campus has been shut off. Emergency generators have kicked in but will only last a short while. All dorms on the north campus will have all power diverted to them and will be the only buildings with safe levels of heating from the cold. Accommodations will be made for on-campus students that have nowhere off-campus to stay the night. If you have friends in the Stanley or Cramer Halls, Harvey Apartments, or Jameson Suites, please make your own accommodations if possible. For this case, girls will be allowed in the boy's side of Stanley hall, but not the other way around. Please see the RA on duty at the dorm desks if you need assistance. Thank you." The speaker cut off and it seemed that not just the whole room, but the whole building - no - the whole campus groaned. You did not live on campus, so you were about to call your roommate to tell her the situation. As you pulled out your phone, it rang, your roommate herself on the other end.
"Hey, the power went out-"
"Yeah, it did here to."
"What?"
"Yeah, it seems the whole south side of town is out. I'm going to my boyfriend’s; will you be able to find somewhere?"
"Oh, uh," You glanced at the boys who were all illuminated by their phone screens, but they were looking at you.
"I'll figure it out." You tell her and you exchange a little more information and then hang up.
"Okay, I need to stay with someone." You turned to them fully and they looked between each other and began to type furiously on their phones. Considering nothing came in to your phone, they were in the group chat without you that they denied existed. You waited a second till they looked back at you, to each other, then more typing.
"Well?" You had waited long enough.
"Jaemin and Jeno are out because Jaemin doesn't understand personal space." Renjun jabbed his thumb at the other one.
"Hey!"
"I would rather not have you and her in my bed in the morning, thank you." Jeno looked at his roommate, a non-verbal argument flashing over their faces.
"Mark has to stay with Hyuck, but no one trusts Donghyuck anyway." Renjun continued.
"Hey! What'd I do?"
"You stole her-"
"Right! Okay! Who’s next?" Hyuck diverted the conversation, and you narrowed your eyes in suspicion at him.
"I live with my mom and that's a can of worms I don't want to open." Chenle motioned with his hand back and forth.
"Which would leave Jisung and Renjun." They all looked at you again and you refused to meet Renjun's gaze. Nothing had actually happened between you two, not really, it was just a kiss or three but that was enough for you two to get scared about it ruining your friendship and so you just didn't talk about it. Which left…
"Jisung? You okay with that?" You asked him. He had a single room, and while his bed was lofted, he did have a futon underneath it. It would work out pretty well, even if the futon was pretty uncomfortable as a bed. He didn't answer for a second, just gaping at you and everyone watched him till he startled to answer.
"Oh, yeah, of course." Jisung stood up and started to gather his things and everyone gave each other a look you couldn't read and then followed to do the same. You watched them with confusion and took your coat from Jeno when he handed it to you. They gathered their snacks and things and you all headed out of the game room, trailing after the rest of the students as the last people to leave. The snow had not only picked up but was getting significantly heavier as time passed. You all started to head to the north side of campus, where Chenle diverted off to head home. At a crossroad in the path, Jaemin and Jeno went off to their suite and the five of you headed toward Stanley. You had huddled together, you were stuck in the middle, acting as some sort of space heater. You were somewhat grateful though because it protected you from the snow some. There was a flood of students going into the dorm building and you shuffled in after them, and kicked the snow off your shoes and brushed it from your coats. People were milling about, some RAs going around getting information. Renjun said bye to the rest of you, giving you a look and you shook your head minutely and he headed off. An RA finally came over and he got Mark's information for him to stay with Donghyuck and the elder dragged Hyuck down the hall before he could try and persuade you to stay with him as well. You stood next to Jisung, able to feel his nerves rolling off of him in waves.
"Are you sure you're okay with me staying with you?" You asked.
"Yes! It's fine…Are you okay staying with me?" He wouldn't meet your eye.
"Yes, Jisung. Thank you." You bumped his arm with your shoulder, the height difference more poignant with you standing right next to him.
"What's your room?" The RA came over.
"702."
"Can I see your IDs?" He asked, clearly frazzled with all of this craziness. Jisung showed his and you took yours out of your wallet and handed it to him.
"You live off campus?" He asked.
"Yes, but it’s on the south side of town, so the powers out there too."
"Okay, are you two dating-"
"No!" You both clarified and the guy shook his head.
"Right, just friends?"
"Yes." You took your sock hat off, brushing some strands out of your face.
"Okay. We're going to have to turn the heat down to preserve energy, so I would recommend not leaving the dorm room too much to keep the hot air in." The RA smiled, handing your ID back and the younger boy led you out of the lobby and to the stairwell. The elevators were clogged with people and while you weren't pleased about climbing up to the seventh floor, it would be faster. When you reached the second-to-top floor, he led you down the hall to his room. You had only been there one other time, since it was so far up, you most often hung out in Renjun's room or somewhere else entirely. It was cleaner than you thought it would be, and thankfully he had a TV and microwave in there. It was colder than normal, but much better than outside. One thing nice about this dorm building, there was at least a toilet between each room, so you didn't have to use anything communal, which was probably why they allowed girls on the boy's side.
"The guy that lived on the other side moved out, so the other room is vacant, you don't have to worry about the bathroom." Jisung told you and you nodded.
"Do you have a sweatshirt I can change into? I have a pair of leggings in my bag to change out of my jeans but no other shirt.
"Yes!" He rushed over to his dresser. His clothes were in the drawers, but not folded or organized by any means. You smiled at the little arrangement he had of pictures above his desk. Most of them polaroids taken with Jaemin's camera. There was one of you, him, and Chenle right in the middle of the display and that made you happy. He really was so stinking cute sometimes.
"Here, I think this is the smallest one I have." He handed you a simple grey hoodie with the school's name on it and you thanked him, going into the bathroom to change. Despite the fact that the sweatshirt was his smallest, you were still swimming in it. He always wore stuff that was oversized anyway. You looked at yourself in the mirror, the sleeves hanging down past your hands and the bottom hem hitting right above your knees.
"Giant child…" You shook your head, moving to roll the sleeves a bit to make them less dangly. You caught a whiff of something good on the fabric and buried your nose in it and sighed. He may not have smelled as good as Renjun, but it was still comforting. It was more likely his laundry detergent than cologne of any kind, but it smelled like Jisung. As you left the bathroom, you caught him in the middle of him changing into a sweatshirt himself. He had on a tank top underneath his shirt, but you still got a good look at how broad his shoulders were and, despite having a dancer's body, there was still muscle there to appreciate. You didn't make a sound till he had the sweatshirt on, not wanting to startle him then you let the door shut. He did jump a bit, but not too bad and he froze. Seeing you in his sweatshirt did things to him and you looked so cute with it pooling over you. You were so small compared to him, heck, you were small compared to Renjun, let alone him.
"I-is that comfortable?" He made sure and you nodded.
"Yes, thank you very much. I can log into my Netflix so we can watch something if you want? You don’t have it right?"
"Oh, no." He shook his head and handed you the remote. He shut the bright ceiling light off and the room took on a soft warm glow thanks to the two lamps he had on and the string of lights around the window. He stepped up a bit on the ladder of his lofted bed and grabbed the blankets he had up there, and he grabbed another one he had in the closet. He handed you one and sat next to you on the futon. It was lower to the ground than a normal one, he mentioned something about that being why it was on sale. It was comfy enough, but laid out to sleep on, the bar hit right in the middle of your back, so he suggested just sleeping on it like a couch.
"What do you want to watch?" You asked, having plugged in your login info, and was looking at the suggestions. You thought a movie would be good, but you had already watched everything on your list.
"Is The Hobbit still on here?" He asked.
"Yeah! You like the third one, right?" You clarified. The eight of you had a movie marathon watching through all three of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings a few months back and he had mentioned his favorite.
"That okay?"
"Yeah. I'll probably cry at the ending, just warning you." You told him. You started the movie and both of you dug out your snacks and things and settled in. It was chillier than either of your ideals, so you suggested sharing the blankets and layering them. He stuttered out an agreement and you scooted in closer. You had never felt smaller. He was not the biggest guy you had met, but he was the biggest of the friend group and you were quite small. He was nice and warm, and he felt the same about you. Getting so entrenched in the movie and snacks, neither of you noticed the weather growing even more severe outside the window. Suddenly, a knock on the door startled both of you and you hit pause while he untangled from the blankets, opening the door.
"Hey, guys, I know this sucks…Uh, the storm is getting worse and we're having to divert even more power elsewhere. Since there are only solo rooms on this floor and the eighth, and not all rooms are full, we are moving everyone to the ballroom in the Central Building. Also, she's the only extra person on these two floors anyway…" The RA trailed off and Jisung blinked at the guy as you groaned.
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. Sorry. We are getting some extra mattresses out of storage and we're going to put on some movies, but the Central Building is on its own power reserve since it’s the official emergency shelter. You won't have to go outside; you can just go to the skyway on the third floor and get over there." He shrugged and you two sighed and got your stuff together. He threw some other things in his backpack, and you put your shoes back on. He grabbed the blankets you had gathered, and you both begrudgingly take the elevator down and follow the ten others that are heading over. As you are walking across the skyway, you are both grateful you put on your coats too because there was no heat on the covered bridge. You cringed as a great blast of wind hit the window, making the plexiglass wobble a bit. Not liking the skyway to begin with, this whole thing was not helping. Everyone halted when a loud snap was heard, a spark, and then the light fixtures above all shattered as the circuit overloaded. You yelped, moving to cover your head, but instead, two arms wrapped around you and Jisung shielded you from the glass raining down. Everyone just stood in the dark for a second, the light coming from the other end of the walkway being the only light. Not even the streetlights were on.
"Are you okay?" He whispered to you, his deep voice right near your ear.
"Y-yeah, let's go." You backed away slightly, not wanting to flinch away from him and hurt his feelings. It was incredibly sweet that he did that, and it was clearly instinctual. Your heart fluttered and he turned his phone flashlight on, immediately grabbing your hand and leading you the rest of the way, around the piles of broken glass. Getting to the other building, someone that was part of the staff led the group to the designated ballroom where they had a bunch of the school-provided mattresses spread out. They had no sheets on them, but that was okay for that night.
"Are you Jisung Park?" A woman called to him, and you both turned to her.
"Yeah?"
"Well, it seems we only got mattresses for each tenant, since she was the only extra, we do not have one for her…" She trailed off, and before you could answer, "That's okay, I'll let her have it." Jisung's immediate response once again caused your heart to flutter. He was always sweet, but this was focused solely on you, once again, and you weren't sure what to make of it. The woman blinked a bit in surprise to and then gave you a coy look.
"Perfect! We are having popcorn made and we're going to be putting on the Avengers movies. Let one of us know if you need anything!" She smiled and you went over and picked one of the mattresses. He wouldn't let you even touch the mattress, so you carried the blankets as he hauled it over to the corner near a window. He wanted to keep an eye on the weather outside, which was getting even worse. You laid out one of the blankets on the mattress which had the same upholstery as a mat used in gym class to make sure you didn't get hurt. You had a thick foam pad on your bed when you lived on campus and now you had a legit mattress that was covered in the highest-thread count sheets you could find. The way he set the bed up, you could rest your back on the wall and face where they were going to project the movie. There were way more than ten other people in there, telling you they had to have this set up for other residents. There were probably like 40 kids in there. No wonder they didn't have an extra mattress for you. As the first Captain America movie started, you two sat close like in his dorm, under the two blankets, but didn’t say anything. It was one thing to sit like that with just you two, but it was different with other people. However, neither of you could bring yourselves to not sit so close. It was warmer there too, but you two found great comfort in the proximity. When they announced the popcorn was ready, you couldn't even get ready to get up before he was doing so and getting it for you. Watching him go up, you caught yourself staring at his back, remembering seeing him in the tank top, and wondering what he looked like from the front. He was pretty shy, and it was rare to see him showing so much skin. You had noticed throughout knowing him that he really had matured. Not just emotionally, but physically. All of the guys had come to America for college when they were scouted to be dancers on the Dance Team. Despite the age gap, they all started off as Freshmen and so you had known them for almost two years. It was crazy how much he changed in that short amount of time; he really did the most out of all of them. Seeing sweet little Jisung all grown up should have made you feel proud, or nostalgic for when he was the cute maknae. But he had really grown up well and turned out to be way more handsome than you even thought he would be. Shaking your head to clear the thoughts, he came and sat back down with you. You took the two bags of popcorn, the ones they used at all the sporting events, and he covered back up with the blankets.
"Thank you." You told him, handing him his own bag. You both at in mostly silence, watching the movie you had both seen many times before. He peeled the canvas curtain away from the window next to him to look outside. He couldn't see much because of the level of snow and wind there was whipping around.
"Its nasty out." You commented looking out the window with him. He hummed in agreement and then both sat back down before turning back to the movie. You could feel him looking at you instead though, and the piercing stare eventually drove you to look at him as well.
"Ah!" He got caught, looking away quickly.
"Jisung?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you, for being so sweet." You were going to add 'tonight', but the more you thought about it, the more you realized he was always like that. Even earlier that night, he made sure to bring you your snacks and even told off the older two for not letting you go. The week before, you were reluctant to go up and get more food at the cafeteria, since what you wanted was being served by a guy that gave you the creeps. He didn't even say anything, just got up and then came back with a plate full. When he would see that the snack shop was almost sold out of your favorite, he would buy the last one to make sure you would get it. He always held the door open for you and waited after his class for you to go eat lunch. So much more had happened, but the more you thought about it, the more your heart raced.
"Oh, well, uh-" You cut him off by scooching even closer and linking your arm with his, resting your head on his shoulder. You felt him tense when you did this, but he relaxed quicker than you thought he would. What he did next made your heart stop momentarily. Jisung shifted and rested his cheek against the top of your head. That's not what got you though, it’s what he did after. He placed a small kiss on the crown of your head. He probably felt you tense, and you didn't want him to worry that you disliked it. So, you nuzzled into him more, and moved your hand to touch his. He turned his palm up to allow you better access and you linked your hands, your fingers slotting between his. Your hands were small to begin with, and his were much larger than even what his should be. His large hand engulfed yours and you honestly loved it. You were not at all expecting to be feeling this way about sweet little Jisung. Though, there was always something there, so these emotions hit you like a tank. You probably always had a crush on him, but you thought it was more like he's a cute little brother. You began to realize things about yourself that proved this. Whenever you had something to tell the guys, you started with him. Wanted to show them something you made? Jisung first. You always chose to sit next to him if possible, and whenever you needed someone to talk to, you went to him. When he, Jaemin, and Mark got sick, you took care of him the whole time. You did some with Mark, but Jaemin was so obnoxious and clingy, and you did not want to catch it yourself.
"Noona?"
"Yeah?" He didn't reply right away, he just rubbed this thumb over the back of your hand.
"Are you sure?"
"About what?"
"Me?" He was so quiet and sounded so scared. You pulled back to look at his sweet face and he looked so nervous.
"What do you mean?"
"I- I'm younger than you, and I'm awkward and stupid-"
"You are not stupid!" You scolded, pulling back from him some but not taking your hand out of his. He didn't say anything, just looked at your interlinked hands.
"I need you to be one hundred percent sure, because I don't think I could handle losing you." He whispered and everything seemed to turn to slow motion. While he didn't say the fated three words, you could feel what he meant in his words. It took your breath away and brought tears to your eyes. Jisung finally looked at you, right in the eye, and you swallowed the lump in your throat. You really wished you weren't surrounded by forty other college kids…
"I'm sure, Jisung." You brought his arm up to wrap around you and he pulled you into his side, cuddling together to finish the movie. Periodically you would glance out the window at the white out conditions, but you two felt so warm with each other. As they put up the third movie, you both were getting very tired. He originally offered to let you have the mattress, but you insisted that you share. You were in the back corner, and honestly most people wouldn't care as long as your clothes were on. He laid down against the wall, placing a folded blanket under his head and laid one down for you. Starting off next to each other, you soon found yourself curled into his side with your head on his chest.
"Good night, (Y/N)." He whispered and you drifted off to his thudding heart.
You both woke up to hear the other students stirring and a bunch of them were looking out the windows on the other side of the room. At least they were considerate of you two sleeping where you were. As you moved, Jisung grunted and yawned, his arm around you tightening to prevent you from sitting up.
"Ji." You whispered and his eyes flew open and he noticed the other people awake and let you both sit up. Getting your bearings, you both stand and adjust and look out the window yourselves. The snow had stopped, the sunrise stunning in the mostly clear sky, the light bouncing off the untouched blanket of white. A staff member came in and announced that the power was back to normal, but classes would be cancelled that day and the next. They told everyone to leave the mattresses as is and you gathered your belongings and went back across the skyway to get to his dorm room. The glass had been cleaned and the lights replaced already. He led you to his room and he dropped his stuff off and you both grabbed your coats. Jisung had offered to walk you back home, and you weren't sure when you could do that because most of the walkways had not been plowed or shoveled yet.
"Oh, right."
"Do you have anything breakfast-y?" You asked him and he went to the dresser under the TV, and you looked through what he had. The only thing that was a breakfast food was a bunch of Poptarts. He didn't have a toaster, but they did in the kitchen on each floor. Donghyuck and Renjun lived on the same floor, so you went down to that lobby to meet them and Mark. You sent a text to them to go there to and they were already there when you got there. You cracked open the box of toaster pastries and slid some into the four-slot toaster.
"Did you see how much snow is out there?" Donghyuck asked and you nodded.
"Yeah, it’s gotta be at least a foot, maybe two." You turned to them and rested against the counter. Jisung did the same next to you, your shoulders brushing. Renjun and Mark shared a look as Hyuck was too busy rambling while looking out the window.
"I heard the people on the top floor had to go somewhere else?" Renjun asked and the toaster popped so Jisung answered while you dealt with those.
"Yeah, they had to divert more power for heating and stuff, so they took everyone on floors seven and eight and brought us to the central building ballroom. They gave us extra mattresses and put on movies; they had some other kids there that had nowhere else to go. I was the only one with someone staying with me, so we had to share-" He caught himself and Hyuck whipped around to look at him. You put two Poptarts onto two plates and set them down for Mark and Renjun then turned back to make more.
"You shared a bed?!?" Donghyuck shouted much too loudly. All four of you shushed him and he came to sit down with the other two.
"He was going to let me just take the mattress, but I suggested we share." You shrugged, your cheeks tingling a bit.
"Did you tell her?" Mark looked at the maknae. His eyes widened and then the eldest looked at you.
"Tell me what?"
"Hyung!" Jisung cringed and he threw his hands up in surrender. You cast a glance at Renjun, and he gave you a supportive smile and nodded. Instead of either of you saying anything, you delicately rested your hand in his and he linked your fingers.
"You lucky-!" Hyuck shook his head and Mark grinned brightly, laughing.
"Finally!" The rest of the Poptarts got done and you all ate before deciding to bundle up and play in the snow. They were working on plowing and shoveling, but you were in no hurry to get home. People were already having snowball fights, making snowmen, and burrowing tunnels in the snow. You all felt like little children as you trotted outside and the other three ran through the nearly two-foot snow toward where Jaemin and Jeno were already building a snow fort. You checked the group chat, and the last message was from Chenle saying he was on his way.
"The snow is so pretty!" You beamed and Jisung grabbed your hand again and started to lead you a bit away. There was a small little courtyard next to the central building and behind the admissions building. It had been shoveled already, even the benches had been brushed of snow and dried off. He led you over to the fountain that they had shut off weeks ago and faced you to him.
"I wanted to do this earlier, but there were people around…" He stepped closer till his head is tipped down, your noses touching. His big hands find your waist, if your coat wasn't on, he might have been able to touch his thumbs together. You tilted your head and his lips barely touched yours before he pulled back.
"I, um, have never…"
"That’s okay." You grinned, bringing one of the hands on his chest to his jaw and pulling him down to you. You led the kiss at first, but as his confidence grew, he pulled you ever closer and took over. It was like fireworks burst behind your eyes and when you finally separated, you giggled with glee and bumped his forehead.
"Let’s sit out the next storm together too." You suggested.
"How about all of them?"
Masterlist
#ihavethedreamies#kpop#kpop fanfic#fanfic#fanfiction#nct#nct dream#nct fanfic#nct dream fanfic#nct jisung#nct dream jisung#park jisung#jisung x reader#x reader#kpop x reader#jisung fluff#fluff
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The real scandal is overclassification
The fact that every president and VP has a garage or filing cabinet or shoebox full of classified documents isn't (merely) evidence of political impunity - it's also the latest absurd turn in the long-running true scandal: the American epidemic of overclassification and excessive secrecy.
If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:
https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/30/i-come-to-a-land-downunder/#but-id-have-to-kill-you
Thousands of American bureaucrats have unilaterally classified tens of millions of unremarkable documents without any legitimate basis for shielding them from public view. Meanwhile, millions of people have "Top Secret clearance" and can view these documents, making a mockery of their supposed secrecy.
Writing for The American Prospect, David Dayen crystallizes the incentives, problems and corruption that we should be paying to, and laments that instead, we're scoring cheap political points about the recklessness of presidents and ex-presidents, heavily salted with paranoid fantasies about the Danger to National Security (TM) posed by letting these docs escape the airless chambers of official secrecy:
https://prospect.org/politics/2023-01-30-president-classified-document-scandal/
Overclassification is a well-documented (ahem) problem, used by bureaucrats to cover up corruption, crimes and incompetence, as well as out of the lazy reflex to declare everything to be secret. This is abetted by members of the vast "Intelligence Community" who have rotated into the private sector and have a lucrative side-hustle as TV talking heads who spin spy-thriller fantasies about the risks of these paper broken arrows.
Dayen points to Senator Moynihan's 1997 report on "Protecting and Reducing Government Secrecy," and its conclusion that if you declare everything secret, then nothing ends up being truly secret. It's a brilliant, readable, devastating critique of official secrecy. Nothing has been done about its recommendations:
https://sgp.fas.org/library/moynihan/
In 2016, the House Oversight Committee concluded that 90% of classified documents should not be classified, the same figure that the DoD came up with in its own report, 60 years earlier:
https://oversight.house.gov/hearing/examining-costs-overclassification-transparency-security/
Meanwhile, the Information Security Oversight Office - which oversees classification - keeps ringing alarm bells about overclassification, with 50m+ documents being classified in a typical year. Rather than listen to the ISOO, Congress has cut its staff in half over the past decade. 620 ISOO employees oversee the three million Americans empowered to classify documents:
https://fas.org/irp/congress/2016_hr/overclass.pdf
In 2010, the Washington Post's Dana Priest and William Arkin took stock of the post-9/11 explosion in state secrets in their "Top Secret America" report: "No one knows how much money it costs, how many people it employs, how many programs exist within it or exactly how many agencies do the same work."
https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/top-secret-america/2010/07/19/hidden-world-growing-beyond-control-2/
Attempts to liberate classified docs using FOIA requests fail repeatedly, with US agencies returning heavily redacted documents, even blacking out a report on the plans of the "Group of the Martyr Ebenezer Scrooge [to hijack the Christmas Eve flight of] Prime Minister and Chief Courier S. Claus."
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/22/magazine/the-strange-politics-of-classified-information.html
As Dayen says, the talking point from ex-spooks on TV that "overclassification is no excuse for bad document handling," is the equivalent of the old saw that "mass shootings are not the time to talk about gun control." And yet, the press keeps buying it.
Take the Politico op-ed by an ex-FBI spook, who turned the fact that "a foreign leader might like turnip-flavored ice cream into a classifiable scenario," proving that there is no overclassification excuse too absurd to get an airing:
https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2023/01/26/the-wrong-question-about-the-classified-documents-scandal-00079540
[Image ID: A photograph of the Military Records Center in Alexandria, Virginia. Displayed are some captured German records waiting to be boxed.]
#pluralistic#overclassification classified documents burn before reading fyeo state secrecy secrecy scandals partisanship#overclassification#classified documents#burn before reading#fyeo#state secrecy#secrecy#scandal#partisanship
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Since I finished my last MalleRollo fic, I'm going to share a sort of teaser for the story I'll post when GloMas comes out in English. It will be separated into 5 chapters (to post with each event update) and will be 10k words long. It has a pretty different tone from the longfic.
Title: Dyed Dark as Night
Summary:
A human’s lifespan is but a blink of an eye, an exhale, and a pitiful end. Malleus’ intriguing Rollo Flamme inhabits one of these brittle human vessels, doomed to wither away in mere decades. That offers Malleus precious little time to bridge the gap of understanding between them.
His humanity is a problem. And Malleus Draconia, Prince of Briar Valley, has access to millennia of fae knowledge with which to solve it.
Whether or not Flamme approves of the result does not strike him as important.
Rated E for a lewd scene, but it's also not for the faint of heart. The full fic will contain body horror, despair, agony, etc which you can see the beginnings of in this teaser. I wanted to have them both be villainous.
Snippet of the fic below the cut
Rollo's dark, empty bedroom stood around them. A single window allowed a stream of fading light to pour inside. A bed, a desk, an armoire, and a circular table and chair he kept next to the window made up his living space.
Never bothered by the lack of sun, Malleus went to the table and summoned a pot of tea, along with two cups.
As Malleus poured, Rollo lit a candelabra on his pristine desk. His austere living area was just as he left it—clean and orderly. Every pen, paper, and book had its place. Not that Malleus would care about any disarray. As long as his bed was empty, the rest of the vicinity did not matter to him.
“Come,” Malleus said, conjuring a chair for himself.
Rollo approached and raised an eyebrow at the pot. “All this for tea? You didn’t even greet the gargoyles…”
“Brewing it took quite a bit of effort—I will have you know that I made it from scratch. As for Pierre, Leopold, and Marie, I will speak to them later.”
A steaming red liquid wore Rollo’s reflection as he gazed down upon it. “Why place such importance on this?”
There was a pause. Then Malleus lifted his drink. “I found an ancient fae recipe and hoped to share it with you. Nothing more.”
Strange. Rollo sat down.
Whatever this was, he was not about to ingest it unless Malleus did so first.
“Supposedly,” Malleus continued, bringing the cup to his lips. “Long ago, some curious fae crafted this concoction with the aim of bringing humans and fae closer together, despite our often bloody intermingling.” He took a sip. “When I learned this, I thought of you. Yes… I can share this with no one else.”
Him? Not Silver or Yuu or any of the other humans he saw on a daily basis?
“This isn’t some manner of aphrodisiac, is it?”
Malleus’ eyebrows jumped halfway to his hairline. Then he chuckled. “That thought had not occurred to me. I don’t believe we need such things—your libido is more than powerful enough. It may outpace mine.”
Face hot, Rollo spluttered. He could not be more lustful than a fae. Could he?
No. He refused to entertain that idea.
Thus, rather than reply, he opted to partake in Malleus’ absurd tea. Considering he had consumed some himself, it must not be outright poison… And it was a gift. Like it or not, it would be rude to reject it. What reason could Malleus have to do him harm, at this point? Using such an underhanded method would be absurd when he could simply destroy him with his own power.
A warm, earthy flavor spread across his tongue, along with something oddly familiar. Rollo couldn’t put his finger on what, exactly, it was. He allowed a steady stream of tea into his mouth in his attempt to place the taste.
“Oh, does it please you?” Malleus asked with a smile.
Did it? Rollo eyed the remaining dregs of the red liquid. “Mm, I’m not sure. Something about it is… bizarre.”
“But it does not taste bad?”
“No… What is it made of?”
“Ingredients I am intimately familiar with.”
Rollo sighed. “That means nothing to me.”
“Do you have plans for your holidays?” Malleus asked, dodging his question.
“What does it matter? And why won’t you tell me what is in this ‘gift’?”
“Well… perhaps I would like to visit you with more regularity this week. Would it not matter, in that case?”
Rollo pressed his lips into a thin line. This rat… Why did he refuse to answer? “What manner of potion did you slip into my drink?”
The conversation stalled as Malleus watched him, impassive. Rollo grimaced, the air around him suddenly stifling. Sweat beaded at his brow. His skin was feverish, radiating heat. Summer had yet to arrive, so why was it so horribly hot now, of all times? The sun had set.
“You have ingested some of my bodily fluids already,” Malleus said. “What is one more?”
What in heaven’s name was that supposed to mean?
A horrible, heavy pounding began in and above his forehead. He groaned and held his face in his hands.
“Flamme, are you all right?”
Rollo flinched, the sound of his voice too loud. “No,” he mumbled. “What was in that tea? I feel terrible. I think I should lie down…”
Footsteps moved over to him. A hand the same temperature as his skin settled on his forehead.
His eyelids grew heavy. Magic hung in the air.
Bastard. What was he planning?
That wretch had drugged him and now he was trying to put him to sleep. But what had he made him drink? Did he intend to kill him?
Why had he trusted him?!
Rollo tried to glare at Malleus, but his vision blurred, leaving the face before him a white void with two dark abscesses where his eyes should have been.
“Worry not, Flamme. I will care for you until you are ready.”
Each pulse of his heart hit his head like a mallet. Pain radiated from his temples and roared down his spine. Tears welled.
If this didn't spell his own end, he would ensure Malleus felt the same torment as him or die trying! He would tear him limb from limb, gouge his eyes, and shred his treacherous tongue!
Then everything went black.
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Happy Halloween from CodeX (+ Aiko)
Ritsuko - Voodoo Witch
“How in the hell did I let Sumire drag me into this absurdity not only once, twice, but three times in a row. She is extremely lucky that I am so fond of her and that I’m well used to her shenanigans, had it be anyone else…I’m afraid that I can’t say exactly what I’m thinking but judging how you’re pale and shaking in your boots I’m sure you have a pretty good guess. Here, take these and get out of my sight.”
You received a treat!
Fudge Skulls. Rich and creamy chunks of chocolate fudge shaped like skulls, comes in a variety of flavors such as milk chocolate, white chocolate, and dark chocolate. It’s not recommended to consume so many in one sitting as you may experienced some unprecedented….side effects.
Miho - Bride of Frankenstein
“I am going to kill that little demon as soon as I get my hands on her! My apologies if I sound a tad agitated, I wasn’t even supposed to be dressed like this, I decided that I would actually participate this year and picked out a costume of my own, only to find out that my wench of a niece had swapped my original costume for this! And had the gall to say that I might as well look the part since I’m going to be “getting married to a monster”, her words, not mine. Please excuse me, I feel a headache coming in, please help yourself to the treats.”
You received a treat!
Candy Bolts. Flavorful hard candy in the shape of nuts and bolts (yes, even lightning bolts) of various sizes. Each piece giving off an electrifying feeling of energy.
Sumire - Psycho Clown
“BOO!…Hahaha! Oh my god, look at your face! That was so priceless hehe! Oh don’t look so grumpy, it’s Halloween! It’s practically a requirement to get scared!…Hm? ‘What about me?’…Pfft..Hahahaha! Man, that’s funny. No, you see, I’m the one that does the scaring, I’m afraid there’s no other way around, sorry, I don’t make the rules but here, a prize for being so brave.”
You received a treat!
Magician’s Pop Rocks. A large packet of pop rock candy coming in a multitude of colors and flavors, it’s recommended to take a small amount at a time as eating too much all at once can be disastrous.
(Bonus!) Aiko - Mad Hatter
“Happy Halloween! You’re just in time for the tea party!…Uh, well, we don’t actually have any tea but we got water and soda if you want some! It’s good to stay hydrated! Now that I think about it…did big sister drank any water before she left?…. Oh! Sorry, here you go! Mister Goro helped me make these, I hope you have a good night and stay safe!”
You received a treat!
Strawberry Tarts. Freshly made tarts baked with the freshest and most ripe strawberries, they’re decorated elegantly and taste perfect. They all each even have a neatly made card that says ‘eat me’ on it.
Happy Halloween! 🎃
#hypnosis mic oc#hypmic oc#hypnosis mic#hypmic#hypnosis microphone#ritsuko okada#miho kobayashi#sumire shinomiya#aiko shinomiya#halloween event#halloween event 2023#hypmic halloween#hypmic halloween 2023
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Levity and Play Commentary: Softer than a Punch-line
Okay so! I’m busy as hell and losing my mind, but there’s no reason why I can’t have fun in the meantime. And you know what? I think that this is a good time to mention that over the last week and a half, we’ve been engaging with creative workshops, and from that, we’re learning a lot about intent and how to give feedback. The small issue, of course, arises from the fact that creativity and gameplay aren’t fundamentally the same at every level. A card that feels like the embodiment of a natural disaster also has to be counterable by a mage’s flick, or an accidental surge, or some manner of inter-gameplay reasoning that means it can’t be as all-powerful as its signifier’s existence wants it to be.
In some ways, that’s the purpose of this contest. You have to find an little ‘in’ in the card world and translate that into gameplay. Or, really, you’re finding the fairness in the gameplay and saying, how can I make metaphor from this objective world meaning?
With so many of these, there was massive and wonderful success, and I’m glad to have laughed and smirked and snorted my was through. With the absurdism of not getting what we want, levity must be made. Let’s get into it, then! If you see a card marked JUDGE PICK, that means that either I was amused by a particular aspect or that it was close in the folders of winners and runners-up—a longlist, if you’ll forgive the literary-ness of it all.
~
@batatafilosofal — Late to Class (JUDGE PICK)
What struck me about this card was the fundamental funniness of Quintorius as a character. And I’m learning to love him a little, learning how he’s going about in the world, and what this card could’ve been. I mean, an elephant is going to be a little trampley, a little hasty, and an elephant who’s going to be in people’s way is definitely something you have to watch for on campus. Learning is what feels like both a funny aside and the real Strixhaven idiosyncrasy—students learning. He’s not exactly in class, but the world asks that he learns, which is totally fine.
I feel that that’s the power level of learning, because this card’s pretty close to a cantrip! You have to discard, but I mean, either you loot through the deck or you get an extra card in your hand for one mana, and if you super need it you can target an opponent’s creature, which is very helpful, I think. Solid for sure. On the specifics, trample and haste do have to be switched around, but like, if you want a great draftable combat trick, this would be the common to look out for. It’s definitely aggressive, and that’s fine; Lorehold kind of needed that push. Prismari would be in that vein as well, y’know, but that’s the nature of uncontrollable draft. And, last little note, I want to say how much that flavor text is leaning into the storytelling voice, as if this is the start of a narrated journey, and I’m quite amused by that.
~
@bread-into-toast — Gorge on Hotpot
We’ll still have to talk about food as it comes up, but that’s totally fine, because I like how food becomes more evocative when we think of levity. It’s a place of comfort and a place of connection with magical worlds—everybody has to eat even if sometimes it’s a hobbit in a cocoon. What this world is going for is definitely trying to get that world connection, the Chinese-inspired world of Shenmeng which I have to admit, I haven’t kept up with all of the new planes, so there you go. Flavor text is doing some cute work to contrast with the spicy art, and it’s making the right moves in terms of contest intention to have spicy noodles be the damage source. Maybe ending on “It’s hard to stop at just one bowl” would land the punch that the relationship is already doing between concepts.
With the mechanical introduction of paying for your bowls of noodles, having them be so hot as you come out and (in-world) eat them, I’m getting a tiny bit lost in what this gameplay world is supposed to be. Traditionally, when we’re in the vein of multiple tokens, I lean towards MH2, and it’s really in conversation with that set but not quite getting to the gesture of on-the-table identity. Is this a token sacrifice archetype, is this a Food or a Treasure archetype, tokens in general, artifacts—I’m not entirely sure. As a rare, it’s not really the boardwipe it wants to be either, because it asks so much of the replication with the mana cost and the Treasure. I wish there was a mechanic like Conspire that could exist here? There are ways of playing about with it, but when we’ve reached the “I get it” point of paying for your noodles, I wish this card told me more about what these very specific archetype-gestures want to do in the set.
~
@curiooftheheart — Unfortunate Spill
I know that this isn’t what you probably want to hear, but the first thing I see when I look at this card is a lot of text. The flavor text is pretty funny, sure, and it’s a fantastic use of the prompt. But, goodness, that’s a LOT of text for a card that’s—well, it’s doing a lot to justify having it but I don’t think it’s necessary. Exact sacrifice is super cool, and I want to point out that that stood out to me as a precise, unique piece of tech. It adds at least two lines to whatever card it’s going on, though. This card could’ve had two paragraphs; the first, the additional cost, and the second: “Choose any target. If one token was sacrificed to cast this spell, it deals 4 damage to that target. If three tokens were sacrificed, it deals 5 damage to that target and...” etc. Hm, hold on.
As I’m typing this out, I’m realizing that damage prevention and uncounterability are a lot to have here. Really, this whole box needed to be pared down. This isn’t to say that your idea of the world isn’t fantastic, and that the ice cream being dropped isn’t a really funny image. Maybe it’s a little odd to have it be that much damage considering it’d only be that much damage for a small creature, but you paint such a portrait that I’m on board. The amount of (what feels like) unnecessary wording frustrates my reading of this card’s strengths. Really think about how much you’d need to make it work in the envisioned environment and what precedent you can use to shape it into a more legible and streamlined card.
~
@dabudder — You Reach Into the Brush
I put this card into a weird category where it’s less funny and more definitely lighthearted—and also subtly not so? There’s that old adage about, like, the weight of the adventurer, and so reaching into a bush and finding a broken branch—that gives two power, jeez—is a much more lighthearted jaunt, but not as exciting as the holy-crap-factor of finding the sword. But the sword also carries with it that notion of oh no, I have to save the world, which is a lot to handle, a bit. It’s the enormity of fate. But I’m reading too much into it, so whatever, I’ve had a long week of reading into things.
In terms of the card itself, this isn’t going to be crazy broken and will probably be a three-mana tokenmaker that’s sometimes incredible, so you know, as an uncommon, I feel it. The fact that it’s at instant speed is a little odd, because I read it as a pivotal moment of decision and less of a quick reaction. Reading it as a quick reaction is pretty funny, though, especially if your Brushwagg reaches in and finds the sword right in time—although, like, both the abilities are definitively aggressive and would be pretty disappointing if you needed a blocking ability. But like, first strike is a lot for that effect, so I get it. And the abilities are both still good! So, the massive amount of text is still grokable, even if it is a lot, so I’m bearing with this card. D20s and whatever aren’t a me thing, but you have a great sense of adventuring, and I’m willing to meet this card where it needs to be.
~
@deg99 — Ropework
Mechanically, this card’s pretty great. I like how you can play this as a quick cantrip if you’re desperate, but the ideal usage makes you want to play this card in such a way that you get to get through a blocker and swing in with the team, wham bam and all that. That encouragement is a super cool design technique, e.g. you see this card and you want to build a multicolored deck in order to get your money’s worth. Tapping and haste are always fine, and a cantrip is too, so there’s nothing that’s not known about this card; it’s the togetherness and the little wink to camera that’s what I like.
The mood is pretty sensible, too, although I’m a little taken aback by the choice to have someone sitting down as they’re supposed to be given haste. It’s hard to get across without there being a chase scene, perhaps, or having the adventurer be part of some kind of active and subtle role at the same time—so maybe they’re having a dance-off? That’s the first thing that comes to mind and it’s not, like, the best idea, I know. But the point is that I want there to be a little something that I can point to and go yes, absolutely, I get why this keyword is happening here. Sitting just is a little—not in motion, is the best way I can put it. The flavor text isn’t doing much work for me either, honestly. I get the intent of having rope be like, oh, it doesn’t have to be a lasso, it can just be a lace. We’re already captivated by the art to know that, though, so, what’s the new flavor we’re adding? Think about the scene, or the act of magic, how that’s being transformed, perhaps? What’re you going to do to show us yes, new rope, there’s a joke in here, something about being tied up, knotted, whatever. But it does need to be more playful, I think, to fully emerge.
~
@dimestoretajic — Kibo’s Japes (JUDGE PICK)
Speaking of bananas. I...am 80% sure there’s a subtype manipulation deal where you get infinite Bananas, but I couldn’t begin to tell you what that might be. Well, just to be clear: this is one of those cards that makes sense, and in any other circumstance I’d be nitpicking, but the seriousness with which I read “are Bananas in addition to their other types” was just sending me. As a build-around-me card, having the red-aligned part be where most of the Treasure comes from (as well as the Peel effect) is pretty well-balanced with how much green likes to make Clues and Food. I also like how it affects all of the tokens on the battlefield, which is reflective of the flavor text.
Not that I’m entirely on board with what the flavor text is getting at, but I’m mostly there. With the “legion” being mentioned, I get the feeling that there was some sort of weapon manipulation happening, but here, you have non-weapon objects being banan-ized. How precisely am I supposed to be reading this in the world of Kibo? Again, on-board, I’m totally down for the gameplay and it makes sense, and it’s kind of silly that Food and Bananas are artifacts all the same but that’s just semantics. I think that the sheer silliness of this card is what’s inspiring me to call it a judge pick. Even if the world isn’t 100% matching up for me and there’s a possible imbalance depending on how fast you can make tokens, there’s a lot I’m willing to overlook in favor of the melee and chaos of bananafication.
~
@dravidious — Crash Test
The idea of crash test dummies is one of those straddle-the-line questions of how serious or silly they are even in real life. It’s quite a profession, after all. ... I may or may not be writing this before coffee. Anyway. What’s uncertain to me is the notion that there’s any kind of testing of this caliber, or that seat belts and airbags are part of the world. Also, I don’t know why my mind went to dummies, it could just be a test—although there is the part that destroys a tapped creature. No no, backing up: seat belts. The vehicles of Kaladesh aren’t built for that at all, really. There are hovercrafts and monowheels and all sorts of weird things, but airbags? I don’t buy it, honestly, or the fact that they’d use the language of the DMV as presented here.
Card-wise, I will say that that part of the prompt can be checked off quite well. Destroying artifacts is important for vehicle and Aetherworks Marvel-sized removal if need be, and destroying a tapped creature is probably what you’re going to be using this more for anyway. I like how it’s a tapped creature, which is one of white’s no-attacky-me killspell tricks as well as a crewing punishment. That part’s actually really clever, and I hope that it’s all intentional, and I’m just going to assume that it is and you’re flexing some design muscles. Besides the flavor hangup, the card itself seems completely reasonable.
~
@flightyquinn — Unplanned Adventure
Purple-bordered cards, huh? I won’t take too much stock in it, don’t worry, no imaginary points docked. Exploration! I’m astounded that there were only sixteen cards that actually explored in the whole of Magic, with a couple others that care about payoffs. It’s a wordy mechanic but it’s so fun, and here there’s a wonderful use of it in a context unrelated to Ixalan at all. Without reminder text, there’s a lot to be asked for if you just opened this out of a pack or whatever, but let’s assume design speculation rather than what-do-players-need and printing and all that.
I personally love the combat trick weirdness/protection as needed/ strange removal that comes with blue instants like this. While there might be some confusion with the question of legal targets if XYZ is removed in response and the “then” clause—oof, maybe I’m overthinking it, and/or maybe it’s too early in the day for me to be considering the comprehensive rules. Who knows! I’m sure it’ll be fine, and again, I really do like the exploration. While the flavor is playing into tropes, hey, it’s a good trope! Strixhaven possibly, or another school in the multiverse? Doesn’t matter—kids are gonna get lost in a magical academy that cares not for their safety or well-being around forces beyond the world’s control. But they’re not getting killed or maimed or whatever—an adventure awaits! Yeah, that brings a smile to the face. And a shift+enter to the flavor attribution next time. (And thank you for the set symbol! I love when people have their own custom ones on MSE.)
~
@halfsilveredmirror — Resolve the Dispute
When I was first playing Legacy back in 201X or whatever, a friend of mine used Mangara of Corondor and the card Karakas to exile whatever he wanted and return Mangara to his hand. As a one-time Magara effect, I’m actually surprised that this hasn’t been done before. And so cutely, too! Right, backing up: I’m going to assume that this card isn’t going to be in the same theoretical format as Karakas, but bouncing or blinking your own creature in response is still really funny since it’d just exile your opponent’s card. And the fact that tokens are easy to generate make this decent as well. In most limited settings, I don’t see this card being played without a strong token build-around, but it’d be easy to do so, and perhaps your early plays getting exiled isn’t so bad.
Cuteness carries the other half of this card in a way that may not be in-depth or story-heavy, but it’s pretty much just what this contest was looking for, right? To take the void of nothingness, that horrible vacuation into which monsters and innocents alike go hurtling never to return, and to apply it to tiny mouse siblings? Heh. Not gonna lie, there’s a little darkly-humored edge to this contest when I actually think about it, but there’s just the gameplay of time-out that could be applied, too. You have to stay in the sideways zone until a new game, little scamp. Love it! Maybe that’s part of what this contest asks for: if Magic had always been flavored differently, what would it looks like, and how would we think of these effects? Anyway, cuteness is worth something, and I’m pleased that this effect was brought up.
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@helloijustreadyourpost — Gwart, Aspiring Chef
My brain is the problem here. Now, hold on: I like this card a lot. I think it’s a great limited bomb that is a Commander possibility. But: if there’s any kind of Food generation in the set, then this card essentially becomes a once-a-turn sweeper. Which...is problematic, if true, but we can’t know that. If it’s implied that there are other Food-makers in this set, and Capenna once again has a Masterchef empire (still thinking about that!), then we once again have a potential power level problem. If it was each creature inclusive, or there was a different cost attached, then perhaps it would be more balanced; repeatable sweepers are still somewhat of an issue in any environment.
The funny part is that the levity is dependent on the potential direction. If this guy’s by themself in a home kitchen, then it’s their various pots, pans, and cockroaches that suffer. I can also imagine a light-but-still-serious burning situation in which a goblin literally kills people with their bad cooking techniques. So, I’d say that this card straddles the line of the prompt, but still lands in a funny enough camp. I still, in-world, wouldn’t want to stick around for seconds.
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@horsecrash — Science Fair
I’m gonna say that this is legit in poor taste (in-world, anyway). Ambitious, yes, but wow, Zimone should know better than that if she’s a prodigy! Emotionally, the world may never know, and I haven’t read enough about her to understand where she is as a kid/young adult/teenager/I don’t actually know how old she is-person. “Younger than most” seems to be the consensus. Would she be part of that science fair after everything? I might be overthinking the specifics, but the point is that she saw the Phyrexian invasion up close; this flavor feels more Un-set than not, honestly.
As for power level, this is a wonder, isn’t it. Show and Tell is definitely A Card, and I wonder if this is at a power level enough to make it...matter? I’m thinking, like, if you put Omniscience onto the battlefield, your opponents probably can’t do much about it, right? I think that Show and Tell is still really darn good, so the question afterwards is whether or not a standard environment can handle something like that. You know what? I think it might. Elesh Norn, Anti-Harmonicon would be a fun card to have on the battlefield if you throw down an Atraxa. ... Yes, I’m still on New Phyrexia, gimme a break. Are there anti-token generators? One-sided nonsense cards? Obviously S&T is still broken at this cost, but I’d be willing to see how crazy this card’s willing to go.
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@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes — Surprise Round
I have read and reread and once again read that art direction and I cannot for the life of me figure out what’s supposed to be happening here. If you’d be able to make a sketch from this, I’d greatly appreciate it. For the moment, I’m just not having the brainpower to solve the placement. Let’s back up to the gameplay side of things. I... Look, this is one where I have to admit, I didn’t play with the initiative, I didn’t like the concept of the initiative, I don’t play D&D or any TTRPGs, and while I get the concept this card, there’s an emotional distance; perhaps it’s the IP adjacency of the trope? Double honestly, I don’t know for sure what a surprise round is. Or who “Mrs Caveat” is. Or what...any of this is supposed to mean, I’m so sorry, I just don’t get it.
And the card’s probably fine! It’s a weird little cost and a damage spell, which...is actually fine considering Kabira Takedown and have-a-dude hit-a-dude part of White’s combat trick. That’s all fine! The initiative is a great thing to take at the end step! I think. There aren’t any instants that have you TAKE the initiative—not “gain,” heh—probably for weird power level reasons of having other effects tacked on, y’know? I wouldn’t know because of Reasons.
I want to stress that this is a “me” issue. This is the problem with a variety of designers and players and tastes: I don’t have that expertise to give you the commentary you deserve here. For that, I do apologize.
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@izzet-always-r-versus-u — Spring Break (JUDGE PICK)
It’s versatile, it’s an odd multicolor blink that really digs through the blue, and you have a cool choice of landing. I like it! Is this a Strixhaveny kind of card, or is it still in the vein of doesn’t-have-to-be-specific? ... Wow, I love my hyphenated terms for specificity this week. For this week. I really hope this isn’t going to be a week late, oh cripes. ANYWAY. This card! It’s a good card. Let’s start there. I think this is one of the ones where the only thing that could’ve propelled it would’ve been art direction in conjunction with other cards being Not As Good. Unfortunately, other cards were as good. The blink and stun is super cool, and having to save the creature and buff it tapped is a small price to pay when on the other side you can freeze a creature. I like that effect a lot.
Are there springs in the spring break? For some reason, I imagine a literal spring breaking and someone getting launched into the air, OR like a vernal pool with a magical spigot launching a swimmer above the pond. What would the direction be, really? I want to know, and that wanting is borderline frustrating if the card wasn’t so cool. Some students sleep in, or some teachers sleep in, and some others—oh, I just noticed, Quandrix and +1/+1, that’s definitely a Strixhaven card, isn’t it. Gotcha. Unless I’m wrong. At this point, I don’t think this commentary is helpful, is it. Look, here’s the gist: you had hot competition and you went for something slightly too abstract to be absolutely perfect in envisioning, and I like the card a lot, and you designed well. Hope that helps!
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@misterstingyjack — Game Night (JUDGE PICK)
You know, in the end, I wondered why I made this a Judge Pick on the first pass, but then I realized how meta-warmfuzzy it is. We’re here to have a game night. It’s the reactions to the power on the board that really make it. No, I don’t want us to go easy on each other! We should be playing to our best advantages! We should be putting out personable powerful monsters that affect the board! I like affecting the board a lot. And being with old friends. I love losing to the people I love losing to. Does that make sense?
In terms of stacking and effects and specific wording, I think “starting with X” might need to be in there somewhere, but the draw is nice, and this is a card meant to emulate the feeling of being with people on an equal playing field. Great to bring back the rhino and elephant from Late to Dinner; isn’t that what this is all about? How would the elephant roll the dice, though. ... By trusting his friend to make it equal and even. I think I wanted to include this one here not because it was necessarily funny in the laugh-out-loud way, but the emotional impetus brought a smile to my face. That’s worth something. Isn’t it lovely, to capture loveliness in a resonant way?
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@nine-effing-hells — Polyattendant
Unlike the initiative, I did end up playing with attractions. Like the initiative, I didn’t enjoy them. Unlike the initiative, I’m amused to see it in Legacy play. Now, with this card and the contest—well, okay, let’s go back over the card itself first. As a draft card, it’s a great bomb to slam to even get a single attraction. Right? The GGG is a bit of a labor-intensive practice but it hardly matters later in the game if you can get to a part where you open a zillion attractions. Sure, that much I get.
This contest wasn’t about the Un-iverse. It wasn’t stated that these cards were meant to be not in that world, because we’re still using “border” to talk about it, but—will Attractions come back to a world that isn’t filled with clowns and tickets and parody? Look: the Un-iverse is meant to be comedic in its own right, its own existence. What’s the challenge in making something meant to be funny, be funny?The world is filled with natural humor and the Magic world can be too. And also, this card implies that the hydra ate and killed its manage. Is there levity in that, or is the humor still in the miasma of darkness? These cards weren’t supposed to engage with death, morbidity, or even much snark. This wasn’t the contest for this kind of card. Thank you for bringing to our attention to our need to change that wording. Genuinely, though, it’s an important distinction to make—the source of where comedy is derived and how. I should have been more specific.
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@reaperfromtheabyss — Oops!
The name is what’s making me make the same face as that commander, I imagine. There are so many more Magic-evocative names you could’ve gone for, argh! Maybe it’s a me thing, and I know it’s a me thing, and I have to explain this in an objective manner, but when the expected flavor doesn’t mesh with the establishment (boardwipe and silly goblin), the framing—name, effect, situation—has to have all the alignment a player needs. “Oops!” doesn’t align for me at all. The art direction and the flavor text are impeccable. Maybe this was a moment where I needed to make a compliment sandwich, but I’m growly and moody and you get the brunt of my brain’s darkness. ... Which is just this. I’m not actually pissy, it’s just a lesson about mood and expectations.
Cardwise—gameplay wise, whoof—I wonder about the setup here and how much setup you might need in order to justify having this effect. What if you don’t get the card you need to have the mana value equivalent? Is it worth getting rid of your hand for? Is the “scorched earth” kind of effect (more a pyrrhic victory, perhaps) able to justify the fact that your opponents will have the card advantage in hand, probably, if not board advantage? How much advantage will this give you? It’s variable, and I want to like it, but I don’t think this card is that playable. It’s fun, certainly, even printably fun. Not a constructed card, though. Dredge, though? Heh. Kidding, kidding. Someone would have a victory with it.
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@snugz — Papercraft Mule
It took us a little bit to get that this was a pinata. No, I’m not gonna look up the unicode for that, I’m already so far behind and there’s literally a German shepherd eager to jump onto my lap as I’m typing this. Dammit, Frank. AHEM. Mule! Yeah, heh, I’m glad that we got that out in the open and all. Hm, could this even be a Donkey Construct? I love the fact that donkeys are a type that would make sense to be brought back to Multiverse Magic. The flavor lands once we established the emulation. I have no idea why it took so long. Is there a world of mesoamerican culture where this can be done respectfully? Ixalan was...probably not the right one, considering. Actually, I’m remembering, of all things, a Viva Pinata! comic from Penny Arcade and also a Five Second Film where a living creature has its entrails eaten. Is that happening here? Is there a humane way to engage with this humor? Or am I just a crazy person.
I really like this as an annoying blocker, but also, it forces you to decide how you’re gonna play the rest of your hand. It’s cool that you can save this for, like, turn 4 or 5 and then use the next turn to jam two spells, one of them being a big creature. I think there’s gonna be someone who forgets about it, plays a creature with 2-3 power, and gets less food than they hoped for, but they can deal with it. What role would Food play? This card doesn’t make me ask that, thank goodness, but there’s gonna be a LOT of food for later. Hopefully that balances out. This card can be a real pain in the butt with the lifegain later, can’t it. Is that too much? Variable food? Hm... Something to think about.
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@stareyedesper — Rake
And now, the Inventor’s Fair One-Time Award for Most Uncreative But Actually Reasonable Like What Else Would You Call It Naming Convention. It’s a rake! And you can scrape or step. There’s no possible other way to make it happen and I think that the obvious answers are all less funny than the result. Comb and splat, eh? Heh heh. Like, if I saw this in a pack, I’d feel amused but also a little worried about who at Wizards allowed that to see print. And then it’s be the only thing that people could talk about in the set, because it’s the most perfect thing to exist. It’s hubris and it’s silliness. It’s useful and it’s dangerous.
I like the mana value clause there; lets you take out the aggro decks pretty easily once you comb with it. The scrying is a curious little case here, isn’t it? I wonder about how many folks would forget it, but it’s something to remind folks of, perhaps. I do like how you’d have to keep it that way in anticipation. End step to prepare, upkeep to prepare in a different way. But you have to use it or lose it, right? Untapping is out of favor a little but—don’t tell anyone—I love it in moderation even if I know it’s never gonna come back. In the end? This card’s super useful and a good curveout for a midrange limited deck. In sealed, ugh, I don’t even wanna think about it...
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@stupidstupidratcreatures — Miss the Bus
Sometimes the art direction writes itself. Sometimes the flavor does, too! Except in this case, I wish there had been some flavor text written in that blank space, even just a single “Wait!” down there. You have to run to miss the bus, right? I think I like how that works out. For one mana, this would be such a pain in a controlly and slow draft deck, but not enough to break hearts and minds and tables. I’m glad it’s an uncommon; too strong for common, far from the power of a rare. But power level isn’t what this card is about.
Countermagic’s crazy taxing effects have been flavored in a few handfuls of ways, but in general, countermagic is a mage-y power-y lightning-y dispelling-y affair, not—well, this. Where would one find a bus? I’m thinking Capenna, and honestly, I don’t think anywhere else. Would that be a train, then? A train could link it to either Capenna or Kaladesh. Ravnica, for all its flaws, is a walkable city. ... Oh my god, how have there not been jokes about Ravnica being a walkable city before? Or is that me projecting humor where there is none. This card is pretty upfront about it, and I like it. This is the card about missing the bus, and there can be no other. Just add some flavor/AD/final polish, and hey, all the more power to you.
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@wolkemesser — A Kiss for Good Luck
That’s a fantastic name and I love the way that this card works in general. In terms of power level, I’d say that the aggression might be a touch high? There’s no cantrip, but looking at Kiln Fiend, for example, the evasion and cheapness are such that you’re gonna be seeing consistent wins where there wouldn’t be wins otherwise. I’m not sure if that’s the greatest thing an aggro-spellslinging or prowess deck needs in the environments where they’re already pretty powerful and consistent, y’know? Still, concept is solid.
Name is too, as I mentioned, although I can’t make the flavor connection for the life of me. Why does a kiss make you menacing? Does the kiss need to be “blocked” by two others before it can be, uh, shared? There might be something that I’m missing in either the semantics or the intent, but my kisses are slow, private, passionate, and not at all menacing. In my work, I mean. Please do not kiss the judge. Unless your name rhymes with Bajani Boldmane. Huh. I think I want to be menaced before I’m kissed—does that count? ... It’s been a long summer, folks, my brain is shampoo.
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@yellowpie — Yoink
YOINK. It’s been yoinked! Lemme start with the few reasons why I’m not sure about this card, starting with: the fact that it can still grab planeswalkers. What’s the yoinking? Lands, that’s just funny. Artifacts and enchantments, well, they’ve been manifested, so I’m going to go with okay and threatening. It doesn’t give haste, so that’s fine to have it in hybrid. Is...is this something that both colors can get? I’m actually not sure. The gameplay side raises questions that I’m not sure I fully understand. If it was just artifacts, then it wouldn’t be as curiously fun, but it would make a little more sense. But that obviously wasn’t your intent. I’m quite curious about this card’s nature and I wonder if it’s...possible for it to be okay!
Flavor-wise, heh, I love it significantly. The flavor text opens so much about the world in conjunction with the art, and the name is so gobliny even if the flavor text is more about the yoinking—two sides of the same city! This card is, in a term, full-bodied. You’ve got the gameplay side, how all the elements are connected either by similarity or contraposition, and it’s silly, fun, and probably more powerful in the right circumstances than I know. Commander certainly would make use of this in an unfun way. Ah, but doesn’t it always? Let’s end with this: the mechanics raise questions about color legitimacy, but the flavor makes me want to know more about the world for sure.
~
WHEW. Okay, let’s get this posted. And in the meantime, show us your lands!
@abelzumi
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The lollipop edible is the visual cherry on top for our afternoon together. I like the escalating buzz as I suck on it seductively… obviously becoming hornier and enthusiastic about the wicked innuendos we trade. My lips will soon become more stained with the cherry hue as you watch me descend into the stoned silliness that makes me so endearing. You tug at the hanging fabric between my luscious breasts to bring me closer and I gladly succumb to straddling your lap. You are still dressed, but intent on me being less so. Gnawing at the knot, you ask I make more lip-smacking noise while I snack on the dosed candy, and I oblige. The silly side of my horniness has been triggered as I offer to share ‘my lolly’.
“Is that what you’re calling this?”
You have pulled my pink panties aside to stroke the exposed puffy pink swelling that tingles from your touch.
“Hmmmm, you naughty thirsty boy.”
“I cannot wait to taste it…”
“This will have to do… for now…”
I drag the diminishing red orb from my lips to yours and giggle as I paint your lips with its stickiness. Opening your mouth to stroke it with your tongue, I let my eyes roll upwards at the imagined ecstasy of the same treatment. We kiss deeply, before I reclaim it for another display of coy teasing.
“That was delicious, but this is my favorite flavor.”
Your fingertips have gathered enough dew below to consume… with lots of appreciative moaning to prove your claim. Second helpings are in order and I tease the edible past your lips to join your glistening fingertips when they return to be nursed and cleaned. The savoring is contagiously alluring and my kisses are not to be left out of the mix. We share the best we can and agree the combination is desirable beyond our expectations… but a cumbersome hot mess.
“If only we could coat the candy sucker…”
“You mean, my lolly?”
I correct you, then you correct us both.
“No, with your juicy lolly…”
“Some lolly on lollipop action?”
“Or better yet, a satisfying lollipop into the lolly source scenario?”
“Exactly, best of both worlds, you tasty little candy maker”
“Deep sticking me for maximum full-flavor stickiness.”
“Three sets of lips for double the sucker flavor to savor.”
“Licking and sticking for couples doubling down on sticky sucker suckling.”
We’re wrapped up in the wordplay and giggling at the absurdity as you remove my panties and lay me back to part my legs to examine my drenched ‘lolly’. I quiet down, so only my noisy slurping on what remains of the edible. I hand it to you when we make eye contact, ready to have myself swabbed.
“For science!”
“And the good of mankind!”
“Not to mention, women kinda improve on the good to make them great!”
We are off on another jag, and likely too high for rationalizing or our marketing campaign that has slid into civic duty. My soft chortling becomes whimpering with desire, while you trace my trembling lower lips with a rolling stroke to coat the edible thoroughly. You whisper while you work, crafting the confection.
“Sticky, sticky, lollipop lolly… so sticky and lolly-liscious.”
I groan with delighted pleasure.
“There’s more inside…”
“Patience, baby, this is for science… and you.”
Offering the dripping glazed sweetness-on-a-stick to my ruby-stained parted lips,
“You have the first honors, as our flavor-maker in residence.”
I offer an extended tongue as you drag it across its surface, in and out of my open mouth… until I am compelled to envelop and nurse the goodness, no… greatness, of our creation. You watch as I suckle, then offer your own tongue between my quivering thighs to savor the sugary red residue. Our moans coexist with the sloppy wet sounds of our drooling.
“Time to test the premium blend… please, please me.”
You know I want the top shelf blend from ‘inside’, still fresh and warm and oozing with goodness.
“Are you sure this is what you really want… as much as I do.”
I am already moaning in affirmative acquiescence as you ease the lollipop into the slick depths of my lolly. With each corkscrewing twirl of the stick, I gasp with unequalled rapture for
“Deeper… my lolly needs your lollipop deeper…”
and feel myself gush reflexively from your rhythmic probes. Being so stoned for these sensations and the unexpected situation, I alert you.
“This one’s for you to suck on… while you watch me cum, suckah!”
The sticky mix-on-a-stick is transferred to your waiting mouth in an impatient instant, as I begin to cum with a hypoglycemic dizziness. We lock eyes and you react as if heaven itself has become the edible… suckable? The look on your face sends me into the stratosphere of paroxysms of joy and over-stoned sexual release. It never seems to stop as wave after wave hits me in succession. I announce each with playful name-calling…
“You lolly sucker! Lollipop lolly sucker! Lolly lovin’ sucker lover!”
I eventually return to full sentences from my crazed expletives and wonder out loud if there is a market for such bespoke designer treats. Your grin hints at your devilish, still very high, ideas.
“I was wondering what to give my Secret Santa at work…”
“Please bring him over to unwrap the first one. So I can experience his bliss first hand.”
“Shall we share our secret sauce recipe?”
“Only if he signs up for the candy-enhancing workshop.”
We kiss, holding onto the improbability, and I murmur softly,
“Let’s test with a bigger lollipop next time… and work our way up in size…”
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Recently Viewed: Scream VI
[The following review contains MAJOR SPOILERS; YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!]
The Scream formula is nothing if not dependable. At this point, fans know exactly what to expect from the first few minutes of each film: a short, self-contained teaser that features an established celebrity/rising star being stalked, taunted, tormented, and butchered before the opening credits roll. Of course, every new installment deconstructs this trope to some extent, from simple escalation (Scream 2, which sets the scene in a densely crowded public space) to mild subversion (the fifth entry’s would-be victim manages to survive her harrowing encounter with the killer) to straight-up postmodern absurdism (Scream 4 begins with the characters watching a cheesy, derivative, painfully “meta” horror flick about… characters watching a cheesy, derivative, painfully “meta” horror flick).
[FINAL WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW THE BREAK!]
Initially, Scream VI’s contribution to the tradition feels comparatively vanilla and uninspired: an attractive young woman on a blind date is lured into a dark, ominous alley, where she is quickly and unceremoniously gutted like a fish. Rather than abruptly cutting to black, however, the frame lingers on her blood-soaked corpse. The murderer leans in to admire his handiwork… and casually removes his mask, revealing his identity to the audience before the title card has even appeared—a major departure from the series’ usual “whodunit” structure. From there, he returns to his apartment to rendezvous with his accomplice. Instead, he finds himself on the other end of the knife, thoroughly filleted by a significantly more competent and efficient slasher. The wannabe Ghostface pathetically pleads for his life, insisting that he only wanted to “finish [his predecessor’s] movie.”
“Who gives a fuck about movies?” his rival retorts as he delivers the coup de grâce.
This seemingly straightforward line of dialogue leaves one hell of an impression. This time, it implies, the villain isn’t merely a deranged cinephile, thus depriving our protagonists of their greatest advantage: their encyclopedic knowledge of genre clichés and conventions. The “rules” no longer apply: nothing is sacred and everybody is vulnerable—lending the otherwise familiar narrative a delightfully (albeit not excessively) unpredictable flavor. Scream VI isn’t the franchise’s best effort, nor is it my personal favorite, but it is gleefully gory, charmingly campy, and a whole lot of fun.
After so many sequels, “requels,” reboots, and reimaginings, I’d consider that a resounding success.
#Scream VI#Scream 6#Scream#Radio Silence#Matt Bettinelli-Olpin#Tyler Gillett#Kevin Williamson#Wes Craven#horror#slasher movies#film#writing#movie review
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Vi talking about shocking awful things in his life and then just ending it with a Kylie Jenner quote in a dry serious manner is exactly why I missed seeing him on my dash
AS I HAVE SAID B4........ THIS BLOG IS JUST A FLAVOR PROFILE IN ITS OWN LEAGUE..... AND ITS A FLAVOR THAT CANNOT BE REPLICATED.....
ty. i pride myself in the absurd.. :-)
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i feel really dang conflicted about aziraphale. spoilers below
the whole 'making crowley into an angel again' didn't sit well with me at all. it felt really gross to me that he'd think that would be something crowley would want. crowley's comfortable with being a demon, even if he isn't happy. he recognizes that heaven is not good in the ways that matter. so this idea that crowley could just reascend and- and then they could be together...
if we look at it from az's point of view, crowley gets a 'redemption arc' of some kind. if we look at it from crowley's point of view, it feels like a spit in the face. after everything the two of them have been through together, does aziraphale think crowley wants to go back to heaven? even with the offer of them becoming an 'us', that would mean crowley would go back to a different flavored bureaucracy than the one he escaped from. different aesthetics, but same moral core (or lack thereof)
aziraphale has seen up close the lack of care heaven has for humanity. (job, the flood, jesus' crucifixion) so is he just going to ignore all of that? it felt to me like aziraphale wanted to get rid of all the stuff that made crowley... crowley. smooth out all the rough edges that make him so wonderful. morality once again becoming a two-toned binary with no in betweens. and that's really damned disappointing. obviously the story has to be taken in a specific direction, or there is no story. at the same time, aziraphale being my favorite fictional character not just in good omens, but of all time-
well? i don't know what to do. i find myself at a complete loss. in season one, his naivety felt charming. his desire to believe in the good of heaven so much was lovely, frankly. how could someone like me not love someone like him? i've always been a sucker for soft, sweet characters, and az fits the bill exactly. but what he did at the end, taking on the archangel position...
it didn't feel like naivety, it felt like cowardice. he just... ran away from everything. not just crowley, but earth itself. the one place he swore to protect. and the lack of bravery was such a contrast to how he protected the humans inside his bookshop.
ON THE OTHER HAND
we're talking about a character who has been subject to heaven's propaganda since the beginning. someone who has been emotionally and mentally abused by the beings he has so much faith in. he thought he was going to hell for protecting job's children. he's always worried so much about doing the right thing, running in dizzying mental circles just to be good. and he's been lured back into heaven's grip by false promises. and take it from someone who knows- those false promises are always so sweetly delivered, and in just the right way to try and rope someone back in.
he's always worried. almost inbuilt anxiety. and i can't blame him for that, as much as i'd like to. if i could blame him for his actions entirely, then... well, i'd probably be in the wrong. he made some (by my reckoning) really dumb decisions at the end there. but from the beginning, he has always tried to do the right thing, even when it causes him to suffer. and there's something noble about that too.
i'm mad at him, but my heart breaks for him as well. this poor, sweet, absurd, stupid angel...
i imagine crowley is devastated by all of this. not just not being able to be together, but the whole 'angelic conversion' thing. i mean- yikes. it reminds me so much of a 'you can come home for christmas, but you have to not shove your identity in our faces'- which is something i've dealt with myself. the sort of stripping away of some core characteristics so you can fit in with everyone else... jeez.
there's so much swirling in my head right now.
'how could someone as clever as you be so stupid?'
and
'oh god, that's too relatable.'
and
'you poor bastard.'
and
'you asshole!'
and
'i forgive you.'
and
'that's completely unforgivable.'
and yeah i have a lot of feelings sdklfjdslkfjdsklf
it's probably going to be some time before everyone cools off and we can have some decent discourse. and we gotta wait for season 3 now, if that day ever comes.
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Choke me as if you hate me:Chapter 1 -part2
WARNINGS:mentions of sexual abuse,PTSD swearing, Hisoka's thoughts
Third person POV :
Hisoka wasn't expecting this. This is his second time participating in the hunter exams but there weren't as many pushovers as the previous time, or he's on the wrong boat and all of the strong people are on another boat. That's what he guessed. He turned to face his newfound toy companion, Gittarakur, simply to be dismissed. Something had caught his interest. Hisoka's head turns to what Gittarakur assigned his focus on and my God was he proven shameful for taking in a second look.
Such a flavorful aura.
"Hello? may I help you?"He raises a question without really knowing what he was doing. The woman breaks free from her trance of boredom and turns to show nothing but what appears to be a glowing halo above her. Hisoka was perplexed, he was drawn to her because of her vigour, not her charm. Gittarakur eyed her but not because he saw her the same way Hisoka did, no. He wanted to eradicate her. Despite the fact of her auras size, it was dominant.
"It's just... you seemed to be looking at something that wasn't there, "Hisoka's lips voice. 'Why am I saying this.' he thought.
"I'm just a little bored that's all, thanks for asking though,". Hisoka's eyes attended to her rosy lips as they forged the words uttered to him...
You've poisoned him. He saw your aura and wanted to break you, slaughter you. But now he wants to pin you down and ravage you. His mind flashed portraits of you as he proposed a seat next to him. As you sat next to him, he saw you underneath him putting up with his cock.
"Hisoka you ok? Or are you just bored like me?" You smiled. His eyes watched your lips again and he began hallucinating your eyes tearing up as you take his shaft down your throat and gagged. A small whine erupts from you as the tip of his cock abuse the back of your throat. His fingers latched onto your hair, tugging on it before thrusting your skull back into his pelvis. His eyes roll back as he releases in your mouth and it was attended by a smothered moan.
Gittarakur, unlike you, wasn't ignorant enough to know what Hisoka was thinking and despite his unbroken complexion, he felt violated just breathing there, seeing the man with who he had constructed a give-and-take relationship less than five minutes ago, get a raging hard-on for a girl he just met.
She's trouble.
"Hello Mr...?" she queried flapping her hand around in his face.
"Huh?"
"You spaced out," she sulked after being excluded for fifteen minutes." sorry yes, anyways. Where are you going? There are some dangerous people here you know that will do vulgar things to an...inexperienced girl like you, " Gittarakur gave up because it's absurd how he's the person who would do both in whatever order he chooses. He isn't that difficult to read.
But you...
So far you've displayed traits of being gullible, childlike as well as polite. However, your aura implies that there is something about yourself that maybe you don't even know.
"What?"
"I said that there are some dangerous people that will do very unpleasant things to- "Hisoka halted his words as his eyes were now attentive...
on your quivering hands.
"What's wrong with your shaking?"He interrogated, his face displaying trouble and yet his gaze was predatory. You were a little bunny perfect for a magician, who was a wolf in sheep's clothing.
You blinked before turning your attention to him and merely answering," nothing!" you giggled. That's what he told you every time.
This is ever so simply nothing.
That voice was one you loathed. You strived to remember his face, but all you recall is what he did and what you called him.
"If you don't mind me asking, how old are you exactly?" finally Gittarakur speaks.
"You can't ask a woman her age!"
"Why not? Is she even a woman? She looks young."
"Of course sh-"
"I don't know,"
The two squabbling men gaped at you. Hisoka is the most stunned about what you just said, as far as you can recognize because Gittarakur was entirely unfazed. "What do you mean I don't know?" Hisoka asked his curiosity peaking to its climax. "I don't know because of my body's manner of looking much older or younger than my exact age. I don't know, the only person who knows is my late mother." Hisoka gawked at Gittarakur in disbelief. Right then and there they knew you were either dense or suffering from a kind of amnesia."However, I know that I am between the age of sixteen and twenty-three"
"Told you she's not a woman,"
"Gittarakur there is less than a thirty percent chance she is under eighteen. Does it matter?"
"Yes."
"No."
"Of course, it wouldn't to you, knowing your tastes."
You sighed to yourself. As you gazed at the now finally unhidden sunset beaming at you. You have never been out at sea but despite the thunder and the squabbling men and birds, it was quite lovely when the sky transitioned from day to night. Even though this will presumably still be quite a long voyage, it will be much more bearable if you saw the sun and the boat wasn't weaving.
Besides, you are not bored anymore.
You have two ignoramuses by your side now because one will find a way to drag the other to you.
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ADHD & Autism & Friendship
I have ADHD and probably 80% of my favorite people in the world have either ADHD or autism. I was visiting one of my friends, who is autistic, recently and before I could even take off my coat, literally two feet into her house, she started just going off about some book she was reading that she knew I would love. I listened with joy, needing to pee but forgetting about it, still holding my bag. like I showed up to her house and she just went off about this thing that was delighting her because we hadn’t seen each other in a while and we were both really excited to hang out.
and her boyfriend came into the room and was like “maybe let her sit down first, let me get her a drink”, the usual social niceties, and my friend was so distraught, thinking she was being rude and instantly getting embarrassed about it. I reassured her that 100% I had also forgotten I was holding that bag and also: this is my perfect social interaction.
you have to understand, my dopamine is broken. even when I love and treasure my friends, I do not get Good Feelings from normal social interaction. this is why I regularly make intentionally shitty or weird jokes, or come on really strong to strangers, or just do absurd shit socially. I am bored, chronically, medically. I try very hard not to be rude or too aggressive about it, but from time to time I lose it a little because it’s very, very hard for me to enjoy a conversation I know the beats of. if I’m making small talk in line with a stranger at the bank, I know exactly what I am allowed to say and what will engender polite smiles, and what will move us both through this interaction with no friction. my voice goes up an octave. I become more accommodating, more feminine. I pretend their jokes are funny. I try to remember what I know about local sports. I do the eye contact and the vague comments about the things we all agree on, as a society (coffee good! Monday bad!). polite conversation is a really nice thing that humans do for each other when meeting in public, but it’s incredibly boring for my under-stimulated brain.
on the other hand, when I talk to my autistic friends, or my ADHD friends who are in the middle of a hyperfixation, or when I’m just hanging out with my close friends who let me bounce all over the conversational walls as I please, it’s like WHOA. yes! finally! ~spicy conversation!~ conversation with a twist! idiosyncratic connection! something fun! “this topic is winding down, now I’ll have to do a little segue back to where the story started- oh wait, no, what’s this?! we’ve got another tangent! coming in from the corner with the chair! and this new anecdote is hilarious! fuck yes, take me away!”
I want to find a way, without sounding condescending, to tell my friend with autism that her conversation has a unique flavor that I absolutely adore, and that I crave when I’ve only talked to neurotypical people for a time. she’s very good at masking when she wants to, so I don’t want to make her think she’s doing something odd or unknowingly violating some social code. she wouldn’t speak to me like this unless we were close, and I’m always encouraging her to tell me more about the things she loves and is learning about, so hopefully she knows I’m never just “listening to be polite” or secretly judging her.
but, yeah. big shout out to neurodivergent people who find different ways to connect, communicate, and show love, because some of us flourish on that shit. I need variety in my humanity, so thanks for what you bring to the table!
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I've watched just the fist episode of the netflix Wednesday show and I already don't feel like keep watching.
There is just something so... strange about the writting, I don't know exactly what it is, may just be me finally reaching the moment were I'm not longer in tune with with teens anymore, but I don't know.
The dialogue just felt so akward and unnatural to me, and the characters felt the same. The siren girl was the only one who I felt souded like a real human and has like three lines. Everyone else was so unconfortable.
And I don't thinks is necessarily the acting. It honestly feels like whoever wrote this has a very, very superficial level understending of what the Addams Family is.
This is like what my 10 year old brain thought the Addams Family was. Black and white aesthetic, check. Murder jokes, check. Brooding attitude, check. Oh right, Morticia and Gomez love each other, check. Wednesday is creepy and doesn't like girly things... I guess?? Check.
Is just so odd. And is missing that absurdity level of reality and satirical tone the Addams are so atached to. This feels too, I don't know... landed on reality? And I don't think it works, I don't think the Addams are made to function on a world like that.
The Addams aren't funny just because of what they say, is how they say it, how they react to it, how the world around them reacts to it and how that ties to their unique flavor of outlandish personality.
I don't think this show really understands that. And i mean, I'm usually very open to new interpretations of any art and I love me stupid poorly made shows, like my favorite show is Shadowhunters, I'm no picky consumer.
But watching this felt so fundamentally wrong, omg.
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NEVERMIND THE NAVY ITSELF ALSO HAS SOME SOLID GOLD
Favorites include:
2-6-10: Abbreviation of "It's gonna take 2 surgeons 6 hours to remove 10 inches of my boot from your ass." Used to motivate someone who is not pulling their weight.
"Another Fine Navy Day!": An expression said (in a very cheery manner) on occasions when, in fact, it is not a Fine Navy Day at all. Compare "Living the dream!" in the civilian world.
Baboon Ass: Corned beef. The nickname is based on its color and flavor. See also Monkey Butt.
Balls O'Clock: Any unspecified time late at night when it is absurd to be awake and having to do things, be on watch, etc.
Bent Shitcan:Someone below Naval standards.An angry or particularly unpleasant attitude, such as one might have if their only job onboard was to collect and retain everyone else's refuse, and then on top of that some asshole got mad and kicked him, leaving a big, ugly dent in his side. "We got a new XO and he had an attitude like a Bent Shitcan."
Broke-dick: Technical term describing malfunctioning or inoperable equipment. Example: "The fuckin' aux drain pump is fuckin' broke-dick." (this is exactly how Thelnea and all her friends talk)
Danger nut: A "fun" game in which one or more sailors place a washer or nut around a rod or similar metal device and then hold it to a steam vent. The washer or nut spins wildly due to the high pressure of the steam. Once it reaches a high enough speed, the rod is turned so that the steam blows the object completely off the rod and likely at another sailor, who then has to dodge the "danger nut."
Fuckface: Any person or thing which has a face.
Like a Big Dog: Doing something in a big way; Something larger than life that is happening; Being aggressive, mean with a loud growl.
PFM: "Pure Fucking Magic", term applied to when things work, but one doesn't know how or why — but they work. Other usage: "PFM circuit" for electronics in depot level repair only equipment whose inner workings are not required to be known. See also "Black box" and "Transistor Theory".
Sack-o'-Lantern: A scrotum stretched across a battle lantern that has been energized. Smiley-face art optional.
Spook: Usually a IS, CT, or some other kind of intelligence type.
Spook Shit: Equipment that one doesn't know the purpose, function or ownership of, which when it's gone leaves as the only trace of its existence aboard ship an unused circuit breaker labeled "Spook Shit" in grease pencil.
Three steel balls: Meant to be humorous but oddly accurate reference to a sailor or situation acting like a sailor: "Put a sailor in a room with three steel balls. Come back an hour later: one will be missing, one will be broken, and one will be in his pocket." In an alternative version one will be pregnant.
Uncle Sam's Canoe Club: The US Coast Guard.
Uncle Sam's Confused Group (USCG): The US Coast Guard. So called because it is the 5th branch of the armed forces, yet falls under the control of the Department of Homeland Security.
Uncle Sam's Misguided Children (USMC): The Marines.
War Chicken: A derogatory term for the Special Warfare Insignia earned by Navy SEALS. (Thelnea won’t hesitate to punch you for this)
Wire Biter: An electrician.
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Today I learned almost everyone probably experiences some degree of Synesthesia! 🎵🧠🌈
If you don't know, it's basically the mixing of senses or perception- so like that includes the big 5 but also stuff like time and space ✨⌛🌌
This might be difficult to discern for yourself but, consider whether you experience any extra sensory stimuli or perceptions connected with certain experiences or relationships?
Like, when you hear music do you ever feel uplifted or moved?
Do you associate any sort of mood with food and or specific flavors?
Have you ever connected colors or symbols with a person or places?
When you recall past events, are they ever perceived as a shape or in an abstract form incapable of being recreated?
The thing about Synesthesia that I found so interesting, which I previously misunderstood, is just how nebulous the phenomenon is.
All the word really means is that you experience the interplay of at least two senses while perceiving something.
That incurs like *a lot* 0.0
I suppose, with that in mind, the term Synesthesia is similar to when one generally refers to autism or any other spectrum of divergence- without providing further context on how exactly the behavior is exhibited, it means little to nothing.
After all, everyone is on the spectrum and the spectrum observes all forms of creation.
I think in a broader sense, this information further asserts my belief that the term neurotypical is a word suspended in absurdism and one we prefer to abuse as a means of subverting the worries created by our fragile egos.
It's said time and time again, but it really is a shame that people are so insistent on not being different. We assume so much of our realities to be indifferent and somehow entirely consistent as a commonality - when we should actually celebrate and seek to better understand the many subtle and not so subtle differences in our individuality (but more particularly here our literal experience of senses and stimuli from interactions)
I want to keep this post brief so Ill end with encouraging you to think of whether there's anything you might uniquely experience.
How might this connection have affected your development and feelings towards it?
#synesthesia#neurodivergent#neurospicy#neurotypical#color#colorful#music#sensory#talking#ramblings#random#today i learned#learning#lgbtqia#lgbtq#autism#unique
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To Die - Expiration Date Winners
Celebrate loudly enough to wake the dead for this week’s winners: @grornt, @helloijustreadyourpost, and @reaperfromtheabyss!
Six-Feet-Undertaker - @grornt
Oh heck yeah. I think the thing I love most about this card is how clearly it conveys its Cause Of Death without any flavor text whatsoever. The admittedly somewhat absurdly named Six-Feet-Undertaker (shame that just Undertaker is taken, but what can you do) does exactly what it says on the tin, burying some unfortunate soul under six cards worth of dirt from its owner's library. I have no doubts this card will play delightfully, and the combination of flavor and execution makes this a clear winner in my mind for this week. If I had to criticise anything, I do wish you could target yourself with this, just because there are definitely decks kicking around that would love to immediately fill their own graveyards this quickly, but that's more a preference than anything resembling a real criticism. Excellent work.
Mogg Furnace - @helloijustreadyourpost
I'll be honest, I don't think I have quite as much to say about this one. It's quite simple mechanically and gets the death across very cleanly, and honestly that was all I was asking for this week. The flavor text is pristine, giving the card a mood that's a delightful shade of vaguely sinister mixed with standard Goblin incompetence. Honestly I don't know if this would have worked as well if it was just "throw anything into a furnace", right? The decision to make it Goblins, Specifically, is a lovely way of giving more texture to the world, while also being the single-most in-character tribe to accidentally (or perhaps "accidentally") feed itself to heavy machinery. Very solid uncommon. Could it be common? I could see this at common honestly. That's where most colorless 3 mana rocks with upside end up, anyway. The card is delightful either way though.
Lethal Embarrassment - @reaperfromtheabyss
Oh that's just brutal. Spell bouncing (especially at such a high mana value) feels right about where white wants its counters to exist, as few in number as they may be, so nice call there. Offsetting the greater price by adding a color and making things more punishing makes the card as a whole feel more enjoyable to resolve than if it just bounced a thing and cost enough to not make standard aggro decks too absurd. And the resulting Silverquill flavoring feels absolutely perfect. If there were ever a place to be evaporated by the word "No" it'd be there, I think. And the delightfully irreverent flavor text is honestly what sold me on the entire package. Love it love it love it.
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