dorian gray was so dedicated to intense emotion that he became a remorseless killer and rodion romanovitch raskolnikov was so dedicated to being a remorseless killer that he became intensely emotional

The Noble Art of Tree Climbing / On AO3

Since he lost his mother, Lan Xichen hasn't felt anything at all, and his cultivation is starting to suffer. His worried uncle decides to take him to the Unclean Realm for a change of air.

It was not a common gift to see the threads of fate between people, but Lan Xichen’s mother had called it a blessing from the heavens when she’d still been alive. She had said it was a sign fate trusted him to be wise enough to deal with that knowledge, and that he would have to be worthy of it. Lan Xichen had promised that he would try, though he wasn’t always sure what that was even supposed to mean.

At that time, all he had really known was that his mother’s thread went out of the Cloud Recesses, and his father bore no thread at all.

It was only after his mother’s death that it had hit him how odd it was for a marriage to have happened between them in spite of this, and even more so for his brother and him to have been born of such an improbable union. He had been told that dual cultivation was necessary for children to be born, and that it could only be practiced with one’s true love. His teachers couldn’t have lied, so clearly his parents had to have been in love, even without a red thread of fate, right?

It often threw Lan Xichen into a pensive state whenever he looked at the thread attached to one of his fingers, or his brother’s thread. Would that fate be enough to make them happy? It clearly hadn’t been enough for their mother, who’d had that melancholy air about her, especially in her last few months, as if even visits from her sons weren’t enough to lift her spirits anymore. But maybe it was just that she had never had the chance of meeting that person at the other end of that thread. Or else, since she didn’t have Lan Xichen’s gift, she hadn’t known that person’s true value, and had gotten roped into another match that did not suit her. Unless it was for that person’s sake that she had committed the crime that Lan Xichen wasn’t supposed to know about, the murder that had caused him and his brother to be born even when they shouldn’t have.

Lan Xichen thought about his mother a lot in the weeks after she passed away. He was not as demonstrative as Lan Wangji about missing her, but the pain was still there and he didn’t know how to deal with it at all. It paralysed him sometimes, and he would spend half a day staring at the red thread on his hand, wondering how different things could have been for his mother, if she had only known better, if she’d gone to that other person, if Wangji and him had never been born. Maybe she would have been happy. Maybe she wouldn’t have died.

Maybe it would have been better for everyone, if Lan Xichen had never existed at all.

Those thoughts became so bad that his grief started to impact his cultivation, which was when Lan Qiren decided to intervene, and to find some distractions for Lan Xichen. He took his nephew along to a few conferences, hoping it might cheer him up. Lan Xichen, dutifully, tried to be entertained by all those old people discussing arcane cultivation techniques or chatting about politics, but it was very boring and just gave him more time to think about his mother. 

He could have tried to go play with the children of those other sects, but grown-ups always praised him when he tried to stay with them and to act serious, so he figured playing would have been a bad thing. He was going to be a sect leader someday, anyway, and he had to be serious. If he wasn’t serious enough, then he’d disappoint his sect, as his father had done. Lan Xichen didn’t want to be a disappointment. And anyway, even when he did try to play with others, he was often too sad, so they would leave him behind and continue their games without him. It was better to stay with the grown-ups.

It went on like this for half a year, Lan Xichen withdrawing further and further upon himself, Lan Wangji stubbornly waiting daily in front of their mother’s prison to see her. Lan Qiren appeared to be at his wit’s end, which only made Lan Xichen feel worse. After having lost his mother, he started worrying that his uncle too would leave them, disappointed that his nephews refused to behave themselves. He tried, hard, to act as if things were fine again, as if he didn’t miss his mother at all, but it was all for naught. Even if he could sometimes fool those who only knew him in passing, his cultivation was still suffering greatly from his too intense grief, and so Lan Qiren knew that things still weren’t right.

Out of other options, Lan Qiren decided that a longer change of habit might do his nephews good. Lan Xichen, privately, thought that it showed their uncle really didn’t understand Lan Wangji at times, because his brother thrived on habits and would be upset over any change. At the same time, Lan Qiren was older and knew better, of course. So Lan Xichen kept any remarks he might have had to himself, and nodded along to his uncle’s idea.

The place where Lan Qiren took them was a far away one, too far in fact for him to have taken Lan Xichen there to conferences before. Lan Qiren wasn’t the strongest of flyers, least of all when he had to carry along a boy of nearly ten years old. And yet he managed, with both his nephews riding his sword with him. Lan Xichen figured his uncle had to be really desperate, and he felt awful for causing so much trouble.

That place had an unpleasant name, an unpleasant look, and the disciples of that sect had an unpleasant air to them, grim and a little rough, completely unlike the people Lan Xichen was used to at home.

Privately, and as soon as he laid eyes upon the Unclean Realm, Lan Xichen found himself hoping that Lan Wangji would throw a tantrum and they’d have to go home soon. If he had to be miserable, he’d rather be miserable in a familiar place.

For the time being, they were welcomed at the gate by a very tall woman, taller than Lan Qiren or any of the disciples of her sect. She was Nie-furen, Lan Qiren explained as she guided them inside the Unclean Realm. The warning was appreciated. She really didn’t look much like the few women Lan Xichen had seen in his life, and wore men’s clothes. If he hadn’t been warned, he might have mistaken her for a man, though he would learn in the coming days that nearly all the women in the Unclean Realm dressed in that manner to be more efficient in Night Hunts. They only wore normal dresses for conferences, and only if they felt like it.

Nie-furen took them to a great hall where, seated upon a high and mighty throne, Nie-zongzhu greeted them with rather less effusions than Lan Xichen was used to from sect leaders, although that sober manner seemed to please Lan Qiren rather more than Jiang-zongzhu and Jin-zongzhu’s warmth.

Grown-ups were rather odd, and Lan Xichen didn’t quite have the capacity to reflect on that at the moment, too fascinated by the sight of Nie-zonghu.

Certainly, there was a lot to be fascinated by, when confronted by such a man. Although he was a little shorter than his wife when he eventually stood up, he was at least twice as broad, with hands so large that they could probably have wrapped around Lan Xichen’s shoulders and still have length to spare. None of that really mattered to Lan Xichen though. What really caught his attention was a detail that others wouldn’t have seen.

Nie-zongzhu had two red threads hanging from his hand.

Upon seeing this, Lan Xichen, who had struggled to feel anything for months and months now, was overcome with irrational anger. How unfair was it for that man to have two people fated to him, when his own parents had been denied such a happy fate? Sure, upon looking more closely, Lan Xichen realised that one appeared to have been severed. It had to have been rather recent, since its colour had only started its slow transformation toward the dull white it would become when the worst of the grief was over. Still, that man had had two fated lovers, when Lan Xichen’s mother had never lived with hers, when his father had been forced to accept the shadow of a love that could never be his.

How very unfair. Lan Xichen would have cried from rage if it wouldn’t have been disgraceful for his sect.

“And how long do you want to stay here then?” Nie-zongzhu asked, continuing a conversation that Lan Xichen hadn’t paid attention to.

“I was thinking a week to start,” Lan Qiren replied. “If it seems to be having positive effects, and if Nie-zongzhu has no objections, I’ll return to the Cloud Recesses and come back in a month or two to get them back.”

Nie zongzhu nodded, as did his wife.

“It’ll be good for our boys as well,” he said. “Huaisang hasn’t been the same either lately… not that I expect your boys to spend much time with him anyway. From what you’ve said about them, I think they’ll get along more with Mingjue, even with the age difference. Which is good too. He needs friends, that child.”

Nie-furen rolled her eyes at these words, and glared at her husband. He glared right back, and though there seemed to be no heat or anger between them, Lan Xichen still shivered at the intensity of emotion displayed there, right in front of outsiders. Things like that just didn’t happen at home, at least not in his experience. But then again, he’d never been in the same room as both his parents, so what did he know?

“Well, I guess that’s settled,” Nie-furen grumbled. “I’ll take those two to the training grounds so you can have a chat about politics. Don’t forget to tell Qiren about that thing that happened the other month at the border, I really didn’t like that.”

Without waiting for an answer, Nie-furen walked to Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji, grabbing both of them by the hand to lead them out of the hall. Lan Wangji tried to pull away, but stopped quickly after one severe look from Nie-furen who probably mistook his disgust for rebellion, the way some teachers did at home. Lan Wangji looked very miserable over being touched that way by a complete stranger, and Lan Xichen knew already that the rest of the day wasn’t going to be a good one for his little brother. He sighed. When Lan Wangji was having a bad day, everyone was having a bad day.

Feeling depressed over this situation, Lan Xichen’s gaze dropped to the ground. After just a few steps, his eyebrows rose high on his forehead as he realised that for some reason, they were following his red thread, something that had never happened before.

After years and years of seeing his own thread go far into the distance, Lan Xichen had stopped paying attention to it. Whenever he’d travelled with his uncle, the thread had always gone in a different direction from the one they were headed. At the venerable age of ten, Lan Xichen had determined that he was never going to meet the person fated for him. Considering his family’s luck with love, and after hearing his uncle’s many complaints on the topic, Lan Xichen usually thought it was for the best.

And yet, in spite of himself, Lan Xichen felt a little excitement start to spike inside his chest the longer they followed his thread. Things had been terrible for so long, but if he could just have one good thing again…

That excitement rose ever higher when Nie-furen called out her sons’ names, and Lan Xichen first laid eyes on Nie Mingjue.

Nie Mingjue was a few years older than him, and a good deal taller too. He had the same hard eyes his mother had, and broad shoulders like his father. Lan Xichen had never really taken the time to wonder what he liked as far as others’ appearance went, but even he could only acknowledge that Nie Mingjue was a very handsome teenager, and one who very obviously already had a golden core. Combined with the things he’d heard here and there people say about Nie gongzi…

To Lan Xichen’s great joy, the red thread on his finger really was going toward Nie Mingjue, which sent his heart racing… until Nie Mingjue was close enough for his hand to be visible, and Lan Xichen realised there was no thread at all attached to the older boy. Instead, his own thread continued going behind Nie Mingjue, and toward another boy who was struggling to run as fast as Nie-gongzi, his round face all red from the effort.

Everything Nie Mingjue was, that boy wasn’t. He was small, a little scrawny, with ears too big for his face and his teeth looked all weird, perhaps because they were a mix of baby teeth, adult ones, and a lot of gaps where the adult teeth hadn’t yet started to grow.

Whatever spark of joy and hope Lan Xichen had felt quickly dissipated upon seeing the person whom fate had chosen for him. He should have known he wouldn’t be so lucky.

“Mingjue, these boys are Lan Huan and Lan Zhan,” Nie-furen announced. “They are the sons of Lan zongzhu, and will be staying here for a little while. I’ll leave them in your care, so be a good host.”

Nie Mingjue nodded nonchalantly, apparently not particularly impressed by his mother’s severe appearance. The same could not be said of the second boy who went very still when Nie-furen turned her attention to him.

“Huaisang, for once, be good as well and don’t cause trouble. Don’t bother them, and don’t create problems when others have decided what game they want to play, or else I’ll deal with you.”

“Yes, mother,” Nie Huaisang mumbled, giving his mother a half hearted bow. “If they’re here, does it mean we don’t have to train today?”

“You lazy boy, of course that’s your only worry!” Nie-furen sighed, trying not to smile. “It will be up to your guest, depending whether they’re interested in a demonstration or not. You’d better put in some real effort if they do.”

Nie Huaisang bowed again, but not quickly enough to hide a grimace. Worse still, when Nie-furen left, Nie Huaisang immediately stuck out his tongue in her direction, which scandalised both Lan boys.

Lan Xichen in particular felt his heart sink. If this was the person who was destined to share his life… it seemed like a fate even worse than his father’s, and it almost made him want to cry. He would have, if not for Nie Mingjue’s presence. He didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of an older boy this accomplished, his pride just wouldn’t survive it.

“Stop being a brat,” Nie Mingjue ordered his brother, lightly slapping the back of Nie Huaisang’s head. This, in turn, made him bite his tongue, hard enough to cry a little.

“Mean! Da-ge is the worst!”

Nie Mingjue shrugged, all of his attention on the Lan brothers. Lan Xichen tried to stand as tall as he could, to make himself look older than he was.

“So, you’re Lan Huan, uh?” Nie Mingjue asked. “My father says he’s seen you at some conferences, and that you’re always very well behaved. He’s always saying we should be more like that. I guess that’s why you’ve been invited here?”

There was something in Nie Mingjue’s tone of voice that seemed to imply that ‘well behaved’ wasn’t a good thing to be. Lan Xichen, who worked so hard to meet all the expectations of his uncle even when he was so constantly sad and empty, felt baffled by the idea. A little embarrassed as well. He so wanted Nie Mingjue to think he was cool too, but apparently he had failed before even having the chance to prove himself.

“Do you know how to fight?” Nie Mingjue asked. “Or are you still too young for that?”

“I’m ten,” Lan Xichen retorted with perhaps a little more annoyance than was really polite. “Of course I know how to fight. But I didn’t bring a sword for a demonstration, and Qinghe Nie uses sabres, so I can’t borrow something to spar with you.”

“As if you’d be good enough to spar with da-ge anyway,” Nie Huaisang claimed, earning himself another light slap on the head from his brother. “What? It’s true! Nobody’s better than you. You can even fight with grown-ups already, and everyone says the Lans are just a bunch of monks that only play music, and…”

“Huaisang, shut up,” Nie Mingjue snapped. “I swear I’ll tell mother if you keep insulting our guests.”

“I’m not insulting… oh. I was rude?”

Nie Mingjue nodded, which made Nie Huaisang look a little awkward.

“Spar with me, Lan Huan” Nie Mingjue decided. “We do have some swords, for training. It’s always good to know how to use more than one weapon. Come with me, we’ll find you something.”

Maybe Lan Qiren had been onto something with his idea of coming to this strange place, because for the first time in ages, Lan Xichen found himself feeling genuinely excited about something. He was going to spar, with an older boy, and one that looked really cool, and who wasn’t even acting like it’d be a chore to practice with someone younger.

It was fun, fighting with Nie Mingjue. The sword Lan Xichen had been given wasn’t great, nothing at all like the one he used at home, but even with an inferior weapon he held his own. Nie Mingjue had the advantage of size, training, and experience, but Lan Xichen’s smaller size could be an advantage too, and he almost landed a few blows, for which Nie Mingjue complimented him.

It had been a long while since a compliment really thrilled him.

They sparred for a long while. Longer perhaps than was quite wise, considering that Lan Xichen hadn’t trained very seriously that past year. Even as he grew tired and started making mistakes, Lan Xichen refused to give up, desperate to absorb every little bit of fun he could while the feeling lasted. He didn’t even mind when Nie Mingjue started pushing him into a corner of the training field, clearly on the verge of winning their friendly fight.

Lan Xichen didn’t mind, but Lan Wangji did.

He was always a bit of an odd child, wary of strangers, protective of family. If Lan Xichen had not been so taken by his match with Nie Mingjue, he would have noticed his brother’s growing distress about the fight, would have seen that Nie Huaisang wasn’t paying attention to Lan Wangji (nor the fight for that matter), that there was no adults around them to check what they were doing. He would have reacted faster when Lan Wangji ran onto the training field, would have deflected Nie Mingjue’s sabre to protect him.

Lan Xichen would have…

He didn’t.

Because it was only a friendly spar, and because Nie Mingjue was so skilled, he managed, just barely, to avoid inflicting any serious injury onto Lan Wangji. Still the little boy now had a bleeding gash on his forearm, spilling blood in a thin but steady flow. 

"I'll take him to the doctor," Nie Mingjue announced, picking up Lan Wangji as if he weighed nothing. It said a lot about Wangji's shock that he didn't try to escape and just kept uselessly pressing his hand on the wound, wailing like a miserable kitten. "Huaisang, stay here with Lan Huan. If someone comes looking for us, tell them what happened."

Nie Huaisang, who'd just trotted toward them when he'd heard shouting, rose on his toes to catch a glimpse of Wangji’s wound. 

"Is he going to die?" he asked. "That's a lot of blood, and mommy says…" 

"Shut up, you're rude again," Nie Mingjue snapped. 

Nie Huaisang flinched and stepped away, falling silent. Nie Mingjue left, all but running away with poor Lan Wangji in his arms while Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang stood there, watching him disappear. 

When Nie Mingjue was out of view, Nie Huaisang grabbed Lan Xichen's hand and tried to drag him away. 

"Let's go, it's boring here." 

Lan Xichen tried to pull his hand free. He was less difficult than his brother, but they shared a dislike of being touched by strangers, which Nie Huaisang was. Even if they were linked by fate… In fact, because they were linked by fate, because Nie Huaisang had joined their hands that carried that horrible red thread, Lan Xichen was even less inclined than usual to let himself be touched.

“He said to wait here,” he complained, pulling hard to get free, in vain. Nie Huaisang was small and skinny, but he had a strong grip. “We can’t disobey.”

“Yes we can,” Nie Huaisang said. “It’s easy, I disobey all the time. And mother said we had to be good hosts. It’s too boring to stay here, so I’ll take you somewhere more fun. Do you like candies?”

“Sugar is bad for you,” Lan Xichen recited. He did like candies, very much so. His uncle said candies were bad for his health and for his teeth, but his mother always used to give him some anyway.

He hadn’t had any candies since she’d died.

That thought, combined with fear about Lan Wangji’s wound, finished ruining Lan Xichen’s fragile good mood.

“Mommy used to say it’s only bad if you have too much,” Nie Huaisang protested. He pulled again on Lan Xichen’s hand. “Do you like birds?”

The question surprised Lan Xichen. He had never really taken time to wonder if he liked birds or not. Nobody had ever asked before.

“They’re pretty. I guess I like them well enough.”

“I love birds,” Nie Huaisang announced proudly. “Do you want to see a raven’s nest? There’s chicks in it, and they are very ugly, it’s very cute.”

“Things can’t be ugly and cute at the same time.”

“Yes they can. You have to come and see the chicks, and then you’ll understand. Let’s go check on them, please?”

Lan Xichen hesitated. Nie Mingjue had told them to stay where they were, implying that adults would soon come to check on them. After that incident with Wangji, it was almost certain that Lan Qiren would realise his plan was not going to work, and that he would take his nephews back home right away. Lan Xichen wanted to go home. Home was very sad, but it was also very safe, and he didn’t have to feel any big emotions over there.

But if they went home as soon as adults came to fetch them, that meant Lan Xichen would not have a chance to see those raven chicks. It would be upsetting, because then he would spend the rest of his life wondering how any creature could be both ugly and cute.

“Is it very far from here?” Lan Xichen asked.

Nie Huaisang grinned, and pulled again on Lan Xichen’s hand who stopped resisting and followed at last.

“It’s really close,” Nie Huaisang claimed as they walked. “It’s in the gardens by my bedroom. Do you like flowers? We have very nice flowers there. It’s not the best season for it, but dad planted mulberries there for mommy and me. Because of what she called me, you know?”

“You talk a lot,” Lan Xichen mumbled. “Do you need to hold my hand?”

“You could get lost,” Nie Huaisang replied, and then tried to be quiet for a moment.

It was true that Lan Xichen might have gotten lost easily in that place. It felt very different from the Cloud Recesses, with walls and turns everywhere, more a fortress than a place for cultivation. Maybe it was better that Nie Huaisang kept holding his hand. He’d gotten used to it anyway, and already stopped minding. In fact, it was even a little nice. Wangji used to hold his hand a lot when they went places, but his hatred of others’ touch had become too intense in that past year.

“You said it wasn’t very far,” Lan Xichen remarked after a while, growing worried that maybe their escape would be noticed and they’d be punished.

“We’re almost there,” Nie Huaisang insisted. “Just a little further… I had to take a different way than usual so mother wouldn’t see us. This is a secret way she doesn’t know about. You have to promise you won’t tell!”

“You shouldn’t keep secrets from your mother.”

Nie Huaisang shrugged, and kept pulling Lan Xichen forward.

“It’s okay, it’s not actually bad if I keep secrets,” he said. “She’s not my real mother anyway. She’s just dad’s wife.”

“I don’t understand,” Lan Xichen said, which was almost entirely a lie.

He thought he understood, but it couldn’t be that. If it was what he was thinking about, then surely Nie Huaisang wouldn’t speak so freely about it. Things like that… the adults didn’t speak about them, and the children weren’t supposed to know anything at all about them. It was gossip, and gossip was forbidden.

Nobody must have told that to Nie Huaisang, who cheerfully chattered on.

“It’s like this: Mother isn’t my real mother,” he explained. “She married dad when they were both young. Then she had Mingjue, and he’s the real son that matters. But then dad had me with my real mommy, because he met her on a Night Hunt and she was the most beautiful woman in the entire world, and also she called him some very bad words when he acted like an idiot, so he fell in love with her even if he was married. And then… ah, that’s the garden!”

At last, after turning endlessly among grey walls, they had indeed reached a little oasis of green. It was a very pretty little garden, neatly kept and organised around one very tall tree. Lan Xichen guessed the nest had to be somewhere up there.

He badly wanted to see it, now that they had come all that way, but Nie Huaisang was still chatting and it would have been rude to interrupt.

“It was real nice when I lived with mommy and my aunt and uncle,” Nie Huaisang said, walking toward the tree, still pulling Lan Xichen by the hand. “But then a while ago mommy got sick real bad, so dad brought us here because cultivators have better doctors. But then she died anyway, and my uncle didn’t want me back even though I thought he liked me, but actually he didn’t because mom having me when she wasn’t married was real bad? I don’t get it, but it’s what da-ge says must have happened, and da-ge is always right. So dad said I should be taught to be a cultivator, and now I’m stuck here.” 

Nie Huaisang paused for breath and sighed deeply. “I really miss mommy.”

“I miss my mother too,” Lan Xichen said without thinking. “She died last year.”

Nie Huaisang froze, and threw him a terrified look.

“Was I rude again? I didn’t know, or I wouldn’t have talked about mommy.”

Lan Xichen gave the question some consideration before shaking his head.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind. I don’t get to talk about her a lot,” he confessed. “Uncle and her didn’t get along. I think he was very angry at her sometimes, so I don’t want to bother him.”

“Mother is angry at dad about me,” Nie Huaisang said, as if sharing some great wisdom. “Da-ge says mother still likes me, though. But also that I shouldn’t talk too much about my real mommy, and also I shouldn’t call her my real mommy because it hurts mother. Oh! But I’m not angry at your mommy, and you’re not angry at mine. If you want you can tell me about her! And I’ll tell you about mine?”

It was a very tempting offer. Lan Xichen missed his mother so much it hurt every time he thought about her, and he was indeed thinking about her most of the time. He’d always been thinking a lot about her, even before she got sick and died. He’d missed her even when she was alive, he sometimes thought. But he couldn’t have told that to anyone. His father never wanted to see them unless it was important or a holiday, and Lan Qiren really didn’t like hearing anyone talk about his sister-in-law, and Wangji… Wangji still missed her so bad, he still didn’t really understand that she was gone for ever, so Lan Xichen didn’t say anything for fear of making things harder for his brother.

Maybe it was fine to talk to Nie Huaisang.

“She was sick a long time,” Lan Xichen explained, letting his eyes fall to the ground. “But even when she was sick, she would still try to be nice to us. She’d read us stories. Then she got really too sick, and it was me who read stories for her and for Wangji. Then the month after we were told we couldn’t visit her like usual, and I heard people say she’d died.”

“You didn’t live with her?”

“No, of course not,” Lan Xichen said, which earned him a look of horror from Nie Huaisang, as if he’d said his mother had two heads. “Nobody lives with their mother.”

“Yes they do!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “I lived with my mommy my whole life until she died! Everyone lives with their mommies. How else is she going to give you a kiss before sleep?”

“She didn’t.”

Nie Huaisang gasped. “But then you’re not protected!”

“Protected against what?”

Nie Huaisang threw Lan Xichen a pitying look, as if that were the saddest thing he’d ever heard.

“Against the nightmares! You have to have a kiss before sleep,” Nie Huaisang explained in a very serious tone, like a teacher giving a lesson, “or else you’re going to have bad dreams. It’s most efficient if it’s your mommy who does it, of course. Dad does it too sometimes, but he’s busy and I don’t like his moustache anyway because it scratches my cheek, and also he doesn’t give as good protection. Now it’s mostly da-ge who gives me a good night kiss. He complains a lot, and he tickles me sometimes, but it’s really good for protecting, almost as good as mommy.”

A little dark ball of cold and hot formed over Lan Xichen’s heart at the idea that in this world, at least one person had had constant access to their own mother, to her hugs, to her kisses, to her soft words. And maybe it wasn’t just Nie Huaisang who’d been that lucky: after all, Nie-furen had welcomed them alongside her husband, she had chatted with Nie Mingjue quite easily, and seemed free to come and go as she pleased even though she was the sect leader’s wife. Maybe it was a Nie thing.

But now that he thought of it, everywhere his uncle had taken him that past year, sect leaders would welcome their guests in person, with their wives at their side if they had one.

Maybe it wasn’t that children living with their mothers was a Nie thing.

Maybe it was Wangji and him not seeing their mother more than once a month that was odd, just as it was odd for their parents to not be linked by fate, the way so many other married people were.

Lan Xichen didn’t know when he started crying. He only realised when Nie Huaisang squeezed his hand, and tried to wipe his face with his sleeve, looking as if he might cry too.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude!” he cried out, scrubbing Lan Xichen’s cheeks a little too hard, unaware of his own strength. “I always say the wrong thing like that. I don’t even understand what I say that’s bad, but people always get angry and say I’m insolent and rude. But I didn’t want to be rude! Can I do something so you’ll stop crying?”

“I miss my mother,” Lan Xichen sobbed.

He’d hoped that talking about her would make it hurt less, but it hadn’t worked. He still missed her as much, but now he also had to deal with the realisation that if his family hadn’t been so strange, he might have seen her a lot more before she died.

“Oh. Then I guess it’s okay to cry,” Nie Huaisang said, giving up on drying Lan Xichen’s face and instead squeezing his hand again. “I cry a lot too about mommy. Everyone says I shouldn’t, because it was long ago and because boys shouldn’t cry. But da-ge lets me cry and he doesn’t tell anyone. I won’t tell either, I promise!”

Lan Xichen tried to thank Nie Huaisang, but only ended up sobbing harder. His face was awash with tears and snot, his eyes and throat hurt from crying so hard, but he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to stop. Except for the day he’d heard his mother had died, and a little at the funeral too, he hadn’t really cried in all that time. He’d just felt numb and cold. He’d felt as if nothing really mattered, not in a world where his mother wasn’t there to smile at him anymore.

After such a long time feeling so little, there was a twisted joy in giving in to his sorrow, in crying until there were no tears left in him, until he couldn’t even stand anymore and Nie Huaisang had to help him sit under that big tree.

The whole time Lan Xichen cried, Nie Huaisang stayed silent. He shed a few tears of his own, either out of sympathy or because he’d been reminded that his mother too was gone for good, but didn’t say a word.

He also didn’t let go of Lan Xichen’s hand, not even one moment, even though there was no risk of getting lost now. Lan Xichen was grateful for that. In the midst of the immense sorrow that had finally overcome him, it was nice to know he wasn’t alone.

After a long, long while, Lan Xichen calmed down at last. He was hiccuping a little, and felt a little bit of headache on his forehead, but other than that he felt better than he had in a long while. Not good, not yet, but better.

“It was a good big cry,” Nie Huaisang said when it was over. “Sometimes, you need a good big cry, da-ge says. Do you want to go back now?”

Lan Xichen wiped his face clean, or as close to clean as it was ever going to be without some fresh water to help.

It was already late, he figured, and by then people had to have noticed they had disobeyed Nie Mingjue’s order to stay put. They were going to be punished for that. Lan Xichen didn’t like being punished, but he also felt that since it was going to happen anyway, he might as well try to make it worth the future discomfort.

“I think I’d like to see those baby ravens now,” he told Nie Huaisang, who grinned as if he’d been given all his favourite candies at once.

“Yes! But we’ll have to climb up the tree. Do you know how?”

Lan Xichen shook his head. Tree climbing wasn’t part of the official curriculum of Gusu Lan.

“It’s fine, I’ll teach you,” Nie Huaisang offered. “I’m very good at it, because da-ge taught me how.”

“He seems like a good da-ge,” Lan Xichen remarked as he stood up.

“There’s no better da-ge in the whole entire world,” Nie Huaisang agreed. “He is always grumpy, but he gives me hugs and also he lets me have all his mushrooms and sometimes he shares his desserts with me. If you want, I can share him with you. But he’s my da-ge first, so don’t forget!”

“Don’t worry, I won’t steal him,” Lan Xichen promised, though he would have dearly liked a hug, and also maybe some dessert.

For the time being, Lan Xichen contented himself with Nie Huaisang’s explanation on how to climb a tree. It turned out that it wasn’t too hard, especially not for someone with martial art training, so Lan Xichen quickly got the hang of it and followed Nie Huaisang high up that tree.

The raven chicks really were extremely ugly, but Lan Xichen had to admit that they were also strangely cute. Nie Huaisang and him were laughing together about it when Nie-Furen and Lan Qiren found them. They’d been sitting on a branch for so long that it was very nearly night, and they had to be rescued. Nie Huaisang might have been very good at climbing trees, but it turned out that he still hadn’t learned how to get back down except by falling, or by having his brother climb up to get him. 

Since Nie Mingjue wasn’t there, it had to be Lan Qiren who went up to grab them. He looked very cross about it, which scared Lan Xichen at first. Then he noticed that Nie Huaisang was struggling not to giggle, and… and it was true that Lan Qiren was making a very funny face as he went up the tree, so Lan Xichen found himself laughing as well.

They were both still laughing when they hopped down from Lan Qiren’s shoulders onto the ground. Surely this insolence, combined with their earlier disobedience of Nie Mingjue’s order, should have gotten them punished. Indeed Nie-furen appeared in favour of that, but Lan Qiren looked at his nephew in a funny way before asking Nie-furen for leniency.

“I haven’t heard him laugh in all that time,” Lan Qiren explained, and immediately Nie-furen’s anger cooled down a little.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad in the Unclean Realm after all, Lan Xichen thought as they all walked away together to go have dinner. And maybe it would be okay that he was apparently linked by fate to someone like Nie Huaisang.

Lan Xichen was glad when his uncle told him that night before bed that since Lan Wangji’s wound was nothing bad at all, that their plan hadn’t changed and they would be staying a little while in the Unclean Realm for a change of air.

After all, Nie Mingjue had just promised Huaisang, Wangji, and him that he’d teach them how to climb down from trees, and that would surely be great fun.

Downsides of Thievery Pt. 12

~ Previous Part ~ Next Part ~

Gavin felt completely emotionally drained. Between being insulted by Ashryn and threatened by Rael, all he really wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide from the world for a little while. There was no part of him that was ready to face the alteon Emperor--to be judged and sentenced. Gavin wasn’t even sure he had the energy to plead his case at this point.

As much as he just wanted to run away, there was no escape for the human. He was trapped on top of a gigantic desk. The massive items nearby almost seemed to taunt him, reminding him of how small and insignificant he was in this dimension. “You’re pathetic,” the quill sitting in its inkwell a few feet away seemed to say. “You’re all alone,” Gavin imagined a massive roll of parchment sneer.

“Great, I’ve sunk so low I’m starting to imagine inanimate objects talking to me,” Gavin thought bitterly to himself.

Meanwhile, the alteon Emperor loomed over the human like some kind of divine monument. The man almost looked ethereal, as if he walked straight out of a storybook. His skin, which appeared nearly flawless, was of a cool brown color. He shared Rael’s long black hair, but rather than tying it back, the Emperor wore his down, with a few strands done into intricate braids. As seemed to be the case with all alteons, the Emperor’s eyes were of a striking, vibrant color. Those yellow irises were focused in on Gavin, holding him in their intense stare.

In terms of dress, the Emperor certainly looked the part. He wore a jeweled band around his head that appeared to be made of silver--which matched the metal that made up the leaf shaped earring that hung from one of his pointed ears.

With the Emperor sitting at his desk, it was impossible for Gavin to see a majority of the man’s apparel, but what he could see looked incredibly lavish. The tunic was of a deep blue color and was decorated with silver embellishments along the hemlines. No doubt the garment was made of silk or some other similar luxurious fabric.

“We have much to discuss,” the Emperor began as he looked down at Gavin. “But first, I believe introductions are in order.” There was no hostility in the man’s voice. Unlike with Ashryn, Gavin didn’t detect anything disdainful or accustatory in his tone. Instead, the Emperor seemed perfectly calm and polite; he even wanted to engage in civil greetings. “My name is Ailred. I am the son of Lyris, and the Emperor of Iaela,” he announced smoothly, the words clearly ones he had said many times.

Considering both Rael and the Emperor had introduced themselves without surnames, Gavin had to assume alteon’s didn’t utilize them in the same way many human cultures did. The Emperor had presented himself as the son of “Lyris” though, something Rael had not done. Were he in a better mental state, Gavin may have pondered why that might be, but given the circumstances he would just accept it and move on.

It took a long moment of Gavin just standing there frozen, shifting uncomfortably under the Emperor’s silent stare, before he figured out he was expected to say something. “He wants me to introduce myself,” he realized.

How the hell was he supposed to get himself to speak? This was maybe the very first time Gavin had zero desire to say anything. He didn’t trust himself anymore. The last time he’d opened his big mouth, he’d ended up with a giant hand slammed down beside him. Now imagine the consequences that could await him if he said the wrong thing to a damn Emperor.

At the same time, remaining silent was hardly an option either. Refusing to comply with the Emperor’s wishes could just as easily have frightening repercussions. Gavin really and truly was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

After a few seconds of internal panicking and frenzied thinking, Gavin spoke up. “My name is Gavin--uh Gavin Stone,” he managed to spit out. He tried to force himself to maintain eye contact with the Emperor, but every fiber of his being was begging him to look away from that intimidating gaze.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Gavin Stone,” the Emperor replied, giving Gavin a nod of greeting before turning his attention beyond him. “Rael, I trust you encountered no issues in retrieving Mr. Stone?” he inquired, reminding Gavin of the fact that his former captor remained in the room, just a few yards away.

“There was no trouble from the humans, your majesty; however I did run into some brigands in the woods who attempted to abduct the prisoner,” Gavin heard Rael explain from behind him. “The offenders did manage to escape, and for that I offer my sincerest apologies.” God, Rael almost sounded like a different person when he spoke to the Emperor. Not that Gavin had any real grasp on what kind of person Rael was. He’d learned that the hard way.

A frown developed on the Emperor’s face. “You did your duty in protecting the human,” he began. “What I’m more concerned with is the fact that these criminals were bold enough to attempt to interfere with Imperial business.”

“Greed can drive you to do some pretty stupid shit,” Gavin thought to himself bitterly.

After a moment of silent contemplation, the Emperor sighed. “I suppose we’ll need to increase the number of patrols in the surrounding woods,” he concluded. “I’ll also have you meet with Captain Saida later to coordinate a search for these would-be abductors.”

If Kaydin and his female associate were smart, they would already be getting as far away from the palace as possible. Gavin could tell the Emperor was serious about this, so if the two thugs didn’t get some major distance from the scene of the crime, there was probably a high likelihood they’d wind up getting caught.

“Now,” Gavin instantly felt the intensity of the Emperor’s gaze return to him, “you are here because you were caught stealing from an alteon diplomat while they were visiting the human realm, correct?”

Suddenly Gavin felt like he was back in elementary school, being forced to answer questions the principal already knew the answer to. The Emperor already knew what the human in front of him had done, and yet he wanted to see Gavin admit to it himself.

Biting back an exasperated sigh, Gavin gave a nod of confirmation.

“And you understand that because your crime was against an alteon, you were brought here to face judgement?” the Emperor inquired, continuing to watch Gavin with those hypnotizing yellow eyes.

Gavin nodded again. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get away with giving non-verbal responses forever, but he wanted to avoid it for as long as possible. Not only because he didn’t trust himself not to say the wrong thing, but also because he wasn’t sure how he was meant to refer to the Emperor. Rael had called him “your majesty” earlier, but the idea of saying something like that sounded so strange to Gavin.

“I realize as a human you are unfamiliar with alteon customs, so allow me to explain the situation,” the Emperor started. “Typically, when I am called to judge a criminal, it is done as an official trial in which nobles and all involved parties are present.”

Gavin supposed that wasn’t altogether different from the trials back home. Of course, rather than having a jury of his peers, Gavin would be judged by the Emperor and the Emperor alone.

“However,” the giant monarch continued, “because you are human, the circumstances are different. I believe a large-scale event would do more harm than good in the long run,” he explained, folding his hands atop the desk. Gavin tried not to focus on them for long, because he and giant hands really weren’t on good terms.

While he was glad to hear he wouldn’t be subjected to some grandiose trial in which he’d be trapped in a room full of a bunch of alteons staring at him, Gavin wasn’t entirely sure alternatives would bode any better. If the Emperor had no one around to criticize his decision, he could be as cruel as he wanted.

“In the meeting which preceded this one, I discussed with my advisors various potential sentences,” the Emperor went on. “I also requested input from Ashryn, as he has some experience interacting with humans,” he added, looking at Rael when he said it.

Gavin suppressed a scowl. He was sure any input from Ashryn had been exceedingly negative. For whatever reason, the guy had it out for him--or maybe he just had it out for all humans in general for some reason.

“Ashryn’s position on the matter was that you need to be made an example of,” the Emperor stated, quickly erasing any doubt that that asshole had a vendetta against humankind. “His suggestion was that you be made a spectacle of, perhaps by placing you in a cage and displaying you in the front hall for visiting nobles and the like to view.”

An instant feeling of nausea came over Gavin. He felt absolutely sick to his stomach. Ashryn was beyond just a dick, he had to be some sort of sadistic demon. The suggestion that a living, breathing, intelligent creature be caged and put on show like some kind of zoo animal was abhorrent. Gavin could hardly even believe what he was hearing.

“Your majesty, forgive me, but doesn’t that seem a bit excessive?” Gavin heard Rael ask incredulously. What was with that guy? Not ten minutes ago he was yelling at Gavin and standing up for his alteon soldier buddy. Now all of a sudden he supposedly cared about what happened to Gavin? It just didn’t make any sense.

The Emperor gave a small shrug. “I don’t know, some of my advisors seemed to like that idea. They believe that if Gavin Stone isn’t properly made an example of, then more and more humans will think they can get away with crossing alteons.”

What was Gavin supposed to do? Should he try to stand up for himself, to excuse what he’d done? Would it even matter? He had committed the crime, that much was fact. So would any excuses even make a difference? He tried to read the Emperor’s face, to look for some kind of sign that he would be understanding, but the man had an expression that was virtually unreadable. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

-

Of course, of course Ashryn would advocate for some cruel, antiquated punishment for Gavin. It was obvious the guy had some inexplicable resentment towards humans, certainly more than Rael had ever had. He’d been of the opinion that they were inferior, fairly irritating creatures, but never would have gone out of his way to ensure they suffer. Ashryn, on the other hand, seemed eager to see Gavin endure the worst.

And what was worse? The Emperor hadn’t immediately dismissed Ashryn’s suggestion. How could he even consider it? Surely he would never subject even the worst alteon criminal to the humiliation and indignity that would come from being locked in a cage and put on display. Yes Gavin was human, but he was still an intelligent, sentient being. He didn’t deserve to be treated like an attraction.

But what could Rael do? He was in no position to question the Emperor; doing so would be suicide for the reputation he’d worked so hard to achieve. He had to wonder whether the information that Gavin had in fact been hired to steal from the diplomat would impact the Emperor’s decision.

Gavin himself seemed pretty convinced that that bit of information wouldn’t change anything, so it was doubtful that he’d speak up about it. Rael wasn’t convinced. Surely if the Emperor knew Gavin had just been used by somebody else, he would be less harsh with the punishment he issued.

Rael couldn’t speak up about it. He had already taken a great risk with his previous comment. Continuing to speak out of turn in favor of a human criminal could end up reflecting horribly on him. The Emperor may begin to question his loyalty. Rael couldn’t put that all on the line for the sake of a human of all people...right?

The memory of Gavin’s fear-stricken face flashed through Rael’s mind. He cringed internally at the mental image. Gavin had clearly had some level of trust in him, the look of betrayal he’d worn made that much evident. When Rael had used his far greater size and strength to scare the human into submission, he’d shattered any trust that may have developed between them. He had taken the side of Ashryn, someone he hated, rather than risk his status by standing up for Gavin.

Yes, what Rael had done had been the right thing to ensure his reputation remained in good standing. But if it had been the right thing to do, then why did Rael feel so miserable about it?

“If you have something to say on the matter, you have my permission to speak up,” the Emperor told Rael, clearly sensing his hesitation.

“I can’t say anything, I’ve worked too hard to get where I am to risk it for some human!” one part of Rael’s mind insisted, but he was finding that voice was quickly becoming quieter and quieter.

While it was difficult for him to believe he could make such a profound difference, Rael couldn’t help but worry that what he said next could seal Gavin’s fate one way or the other. The Emperor was watching, waiting for a response. Rael had to make up his mind. “Yes, your majesty. I have information concerning Lady Elyth’s stolen ring.”

ANGST TIIIMMEEEE!!!!

So-- we have Blitz's fear of being left/abandonment issues. He's scared Striker will leave him because he manages to fuck up everything good in his life. At least, that's the mindset he is in. But what if Striker and Blitz get in a really bad fight, decide to sleep on it and deal with it in the morning, only for Striker to wake up the next day and see that Blitz has up and left? After all of the validation and reassuring he'd always stay by Blitz's side, only to be left by said imp? It absolutely breaks Striker to the point he can't live with himself for losing something so meaningful to him. I can only imagine the cries he would let out when he gets a voicemail the next day at 3 in the morning from Blitz (who bought another burner phone cause he left his smartphone at home) saying he needed space and was on his way back to Striker.

If you think about it, at one point Blitz stole Verosika's credit cards and ran off to a completely different ring in hell when he broke up with her. It only makes sense that running would be his first instinct when it comes to rough roads in a relationship or even commitment. (So I could also see this happening if Striker proposed to him and Blitz would want to run off and avoid the topic.)

What are your thoughts?

This is fine. I didn't need those feels today anyway. :'D

OKAY BUT NO THIS IS HORRIBLY BEAUTIFULLY FANTASTIC AND THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR SENDING THIS AHHHHHHH!! For as much as I'm loving the fluffy stuff and the smutty stuff with these two, there really isn't anything quite like when they're hurting.

The thing I love the most about these two and their relationship is that I truly do think that they have a ton of things in common--and specifically distinctive character traits that make this exact scenario not only possible but fascinating to think about. We all know that Blitz's insecurities and self-destructive tendencies have been extensive enough that there's an entire show being made about them (lol). And Striker--from what we've seen of him so far--seems like the "tumbleweed" type who just kind of moves around from place to place as needed for his hitman jobs, not really giving much of a shit for anything other than being the one to come out on top. They both want to be treated with respect and be in positions of power that are "higher" than what most other imps get to experience in Hell, and they both are willing to go to the extreme in order to make that happen. However, the thing I think is most interesting about them is where they differ--where Striker seems perfectly content to go about doing this on his own and keep the spotlight on himself, whereas Blitz, though he makes it clear that he's the Boss, needs to be part of a partnership. And yet it's always Blitz who's the first one to up and run when he thinks that things might be starting to crash around him, whereas Striker seems much more set in his mind to stick things out to the end no matter what [as shown by his calling Stella to straight up admit that he failed to kill Stolas the first time around, but assured her that he's going to keep trying to get it done instead of just taking her blessed weapons and running off somewhere]. For being the one who's always working solo, Striker fucking commits to doing exactly what he says he's gonna do. Blitz, on the other hand, freaks himself out too easily--probably because he seemingly lost his initial partner-in-crime, his twin sister Barbie Wire, back in the day--and probably doesn't want to go through losing his "other half" if you will all over again.

Now of course this isn't an exact translation here because Barbie Wire is Blitz's twin sister and people like Verosika and Striker [and I've even heard some interesting theories about Fizzeroli] are romantic interests, BUT I think that there is a distinct overlap there when it comes to this idea of losing someone that's supposed to be closer to you than anyone else in the world that does explain why Blitz is the way he is when he hits that wall of turning his tail and running. And let's be real here, Striker is not an idiot. He knows this about Blitz [whether or not Blitz ever gives him the full backstory about Barbie] and I'm sure that's why Striker's gone out of his way to assure Blitz that no matter what shit hits the fan, he's going to be right there with him to scrape it off the walls. He doesn't want Blitz to be afraid that in ten years, Striker's just going to be another Verosika fighting with Blitz over a parking space. He also sure as hell doesn't want Blitz to think that he's just going to be content with obliviousness--either turning a blind eye or just enjoying the bliss of ignorance--about the deeper aspects of Blitz's life the way certain feathered Princes tend to do consciously or subconsciously. He wants, so badly, to make it abundantly clear that he loves Blitz more than anything and is committed to their relationship in a way that no other previous partner in Blitz's life has ever been.

.....So of course his heart is completely shattered to pieces when he wakes up the morning after that fight and Blitz is nowhere to be seen. And if it's the morning after he proposed and he found Blitz gone--the scream he would let out would be truly, hauntingly unholy.

The same string of thoughts hit him one after another, like bullets from a firing squad: He's not surprised. Is he suprised? He shouldn't be surprised. Yes he fucking should, this is different! Blitz wasn't supposed to want to leave him! What did he do to make Blitz feel like he had to leave him? Sure he said some stupid shit--he's usually better spoken than that--fuck, why did he have to be so shit with words at the times that it really mattered?

He does this to himself for hours, racking his brain with everything he said--all the stupid angry things you say in the heat of a fight / all the fumbling cheesy things you say when you're trying to find words to explain that you want to spend the rest of your life with the person standing in front of you. Striker knows how to charm and he knows how to manipulate, but he's never ever been good at expressing sentimental feelings with words. And with Blitz--it always feels like it isn't enough. He thinks he knows what he's doing, and he tries so so hard to make Blitz feel safe and secure and happy. Satan, he's never wanted to see another being happy as badly as he wants to see Blitz happy. He knows it's terrifying and downright dangerous to admit outloud but.....at least to himself.....he can admit that he would do anything to make Blitz truly happy. Anything.

He loves him.

~*~*~

When Blitz finally does make it back, he's not at all prepared for what he finds. Striker looks every bit like he's just been running himself ragged in circles since Blitz left, and his tail is rattling intensely behind him. The sound of it makes Blitz flinch--it's his least favorite one out of all of Striker's rattles: thin and sharp like shards of broken glass. It's the rattle he makes when he's extremely agitated about something, and not in the angry way.....but in the hurt and worried and frightened way.

For a moment they just stand there looking at each other--well, Blitz looking everywhere but at Striker's eyes, and Striker's eyes unable to look anywhere but right at Blitz's face. Neither say a word. Neither of them move.

"I thought...I t-thought I was different," Striker finally manages to say brokenly, barely able to keep himself together enough to speak.

Blitz still doesn't say anything for a moment, and there's that familiar terrified spark in his eyes that makes Striker think that he's going to bolt on him again--this time right in front of his face. Instead, Blitz takes a slow, hesitant step towards him...and then another...and then, as carefully as if he were walking across a landmine instead of across their living room, makes his way over to Striker, though he still can't quite bring himself to meet his eyes at first.

".....You are different," he whispers faintly after a long stretch of silence, and, just when Striker thinks that he's going to have to tilt Blitz's chin up just to look at him, Blitz not only lifts his eyes to meet Striker's...but he reaches out to take his hand as well. He squeezes.

And that's when it clicks.

That's when Striker knows.

He might not have been the first one that Blitz has ever run away from.....but he's the one and only person that Blitz has ever come back to.

He is different.

I’m slowly dying (with or without you) - Supercorp

Read on AO3

*trigger warning for panic attacks*

The first time Lena had a panic attack, she was sixteen years old and she had the application forms from MIT spread in front of her. She was admittedly too young to even have the forms, but she was a Luthor and Luthors have their ways more often than not. Since that was the first time it happened, all the cold sweat, chest pain and trouble breathing scared the living shit out of teenage her, who burst into Lex's room announcing she was having a heart attack. It only made sense, she tried to tell him while all her brother did was stare and stare some more. That's how their father died, after all, they had the genetic predisposition for it. Doesn't matter if Lena took the healthy lifestyle quite seriously, or that she took fencing classes four times a week, practiced tennis every Saturday and ate more vegetables than any other person on the planet. She was definitely having a heart attack.

It wasn't a heart attack, as the family doctor ruled out four hours later after Lex finally drove her to the ER. A panic attack, he explained, aggravated by the fact that Lena didn't know what it was, though it was a heart attack and, as a consequence, thought that she was dying. He gave her a prescription, told her she should search for a specialist and let them go back home. On the way back, Lex told her she shouldn't tell Mother.

"Mother doesn't believe in mental diseases. That's for the weak and she hates the weak."

Lena wanted to point out that Lillian already hated her anyway but her brother did enough for her for one day to get into a discussion with him. So, instead, Lena threw the prescription away and told Lillian she asked Lex to teach her how to drive and they spent the afternoon at a Walmart parking lot. Lillian wasn’t happy with that either, but she was never happy anyway.

Lena had many panic attacks after that first one. It was especially terrifying at first because Lena knew how bad it was, how it made her few like she was about to die, so she would freak out every time her heartbeat would peak for any reason or anytime she felt a tightness in her chest. She assumed that's why the therapy would come in handy, but she hadn't been brave enough to stand up against Lillian for twelve years and she wouldn’t start by demanding to be taken to a psychiatrist.

Instead, she found help in the only place that never failed to help her in times of need. Books.

Lena went to the library and she devoured every book that approached the subject. She took notes, she ate snacks, she made a pause to learn how to drive so Lillian wouldn’t be suspicious, but she learned all she could from those books. Over time, it got easier. She would be able to identify when it was about to happen, she learned breathing exercises, she acquired hobbies that helped calm down her heart rate instead of accelerating it, she started carrying a lavender extract air freshener in her bag, and, overall, she dealt with it by herself.

Lex, before he left home and assumed their father's position at the family's company, would sometimes help. He would engage her in chess matches, entertain her with anecdotes he found funny, explain something about his projects to her. It was almost like he knew what she was going through and he wanted to support her in his own way.

Ironic to think that the same boy who drove her to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack of his own, scared about losing his little sister, would one day become the cause of her panic attacks.

It first happened when she heard about the crimes Lex committed. The atrocities, all the deaths, the pain, the destruction. She knew her brother wasn’t a good person but she never imagined that he was a murderer – a genocidal one, in fact. So, when the first police officer knocked on her door to ask her questions after Lex's first attack, Lena did not react other than panic. Because that was her older brother, the man who taught her how to play chess and who made her life at the Luthor’s residence bearable, and then there was all this proof that the same man was a monster.

It happened again later that night, when she was alone and the words kept repeating in her mind. And it happened over and over again for the months that followed it, sometimes when she heard Lex’s name, sometimes when she saw a news report about it, twice during the trial she had to testify in, sometimes when she was alone and the silence became too loud.

That’s why she picked up her things and left for National City. A change of scenery, one of the articles said, can be the key to progress.

And things shifted and molded once she set foot in the new city. Between running around to build up a company from the ashes and dealing with the mess that was her personal life, Lena didn’t have enough time to think about anything else. She got better at the breathing exercises since she didn’t have enough time to distract herself with other things and, surprisingly, for the first time since she was sixteen, Lena felt like she could handle things just fine on her own.

Then she met Kara and things changed for real. Her first friend in the new city, her best friend in the entire world, made things easier for her. It was easier to breathe, it was easier to go through her day, it was easier to be. Lena never told Kara about her panic attacks – she told no one, actually. She always thought she might have to explain eventually if Kara walked inside her office one day to find her panting behind her desk but that never happened. Lena hadn’t had a panic attack since the day she met Kara and that was as concerning as it was alluring.

How could one person be both the solution and the cause of some of her biggest problems?

It made no sense. Lena would never understand the effect Kara had on her heart – her ability to make her heart beat faster on sight and calmer on demand. As though as she could trigger a panic attack with her smile but the calm feeling she brought with her made it impossible to happen. So, like many things in her life, Lena picked up the problem and, instead of dealing with it, she shoved it inside a box and then pushed it so deep inside her mind that it wasn’t even in the shadows.

(Like her abandonment issues, the frustrated dream of going to Disney only to have Lillian saying she couldn’t go, her fear of heights and the ocean, her trust issues and her undeniable feelings towards her best friend. All the above were securely locked inside her, never to see the light of the day.

For the long two years she had known Kara Danvers, Lena had forgotten how a panic attack could feel so... suffocating. Well, not entirely forgotten. More likely, lost in her memories, replaced by other bad feelings like facing death threats thanks to her own family, falling from buildings, piloting a helicopter, almost dying on a plane and it goes on. She almost had one when she shot Lex – when she found out the truth about the person she had trusted with the biggest parts of her soul, only to find out she had been lying this whole time. She certainly felt very close to having one when Kara confronted her at the Pulitzer. It almost happened when she finally told Kara she knew the truth for quite some time now right before trapping her at the Fortress of Solitude.

All those times the only thing that stopped it from happening was blue orbs staring right back at her. Even if filled with pain, confusion, or hurt, Kara still had the remarkable effect of sending calming waves all over her body. After shooting Lex; while in shock that Kara was admitting to a secret Lena thought she never would; while crying and begging for Lena’s forgiveness behind an impenetrable wall, even to her inhuman strength.

Kara wasn’t there that time though. There was only her, and Lex, and tons of experiments surrounding them, and a broken project on the floor, and a thousand lies.

“I gave you the world!” Lex’s breath was hot and wet from that close to her face. His eyes were so filled with rage, his skin trembling with the sheer force of it, that Lena couldn’t help but writhe under it. “Everything!” Even now, alone inside her apartment, sitting in the dark in complete silence, Lena could still feel the fury directed at her like a hot iron. “I supported you! I sabotaged nothing! Touched nothing! I sacrificed my own goals for you!” And then he lowered his voice, and he resembled his mother much more than their shared father in that second because Lillian Luthor never raised her voice but she always sent the message with the same intensity. “Because you needed to see your little project fail with your own eyes, to know the true depravity of humanity, to know that my way was the only way.”

It was fair to say that Lena couldn’t even remember what exactly she replied to her brother. All she knew was that she needed to get out, to get away from him, to escape. She said a few words, turned on her heels and made her escape without tripping on her own feet although her legs felt wobbly and, her muscles, unsteady. Once inside her house, Lena finally allowed herself to feel.

To feel.

What a weird concept, she thought while sliding down the wall of her bathroom, tears rolling down her cheeks and sobs shaking her body like there was an earthquake shaking her apart. Lena wasn’t good at recognizing and asserting her feelings, and it was even harder when all she felt was sorrow.

Sorrow for having trusted once more, sorrow for having made another mistake, sorrow for having believed, even for a second, that her brother could be different, that she could be different. That a Luthor could help change the world for good. She felt utterly stupid. There wasn’t a part of her cells that didn’t feel the disappointment, the sadness, the grief.

There was so much she needed to do to fix the mess she helped create. And the mix of suffocating feelings with the anxiety of making things right before Lex could destroy humanity eventually led her to an unstoppable panic attack, right there on her bathroom floor, with the shower still running on top of her, the night thick outside and the weight of the world on her shoulders. She knew it was coming from the moment she felt the sadly familiar tightness in her chest but there was nothing she could do to stop it this time.

The floor was cold beneath her, the water was too hot on top of her. Her sobs were shaking her to the core, her tears lost in the spray of the too hot water, her breath was short, shallow and too fast, her heart felt like it was trying to rip its way out of her chest, and her thoughts were running a mile a minute.

She needed to find a way to stop Lex – how could she have trusted him again? She would need help, she couldn’t do it alone. Lex had many friends and she had none – and whose fault was that, really? - Lex had control over every agency around the world now that he altered the timeline – and how did he even do that? - Lena would need to talk with Supergirl. Kara. Kara is Supergirl. Kara is Supergirl and she never told her that. Lex was the one who said it, not Kara, and he said it before Lena shot him.

But he wasn’t dead. Not anymore. He was right there, running the company that once belonged to her, making plans to control humanity like every person meant less than an ant and he was the only one capable of controling every single little thing. Did that analogy even make sense? She wouldn’t know. Her brain was barely functioning. Kara would have liked it either way.

Kara lied to her. For two years, the woman she called her best friend, invented lame excuses to leave her presence when she needed to be Supergirl and, for two years, Lena trusted her with her eyes closed and hands tied behind her back. That’s exactly how she felt in that second as well. Blinded and bound, incapable of moving, breathing even.

Panic attacks can kill, Lena is factually aware of that because she strumbled on stories during her researches. It could cause real heart attacks, veins could burst, lungs could collapse, it could be a real mess albeit very rarely. The ‘very rarely’ part was hard to remember when her chest didn’t seem to expand enough to accommodate air, when her heart was beating so fast she could hear it pounding on her ears, when her arms felt as heavy as two concrete blocks, when her head hurt so bad she felt like it was about to explode.

“I gave you the world!”

He didn’t. Lies. Those were all lies.

“I sacrificed my own goals for you!”

Lies. They were lies.

“I supported you!”

No one had ever supported her before. How foolish of her to think she could do anything right. Lillian was right, she was a waste of space and time. Lex was right, she was a stupid girl who dreamed too much. Her father, who could barely glance at her most days, was most certainly right to avoid her as well. She was a defect, an error, a deficiency on a spinning wheel that she couldn’t control.

Everyone seemed to control her but Lena didn’t have control over anyone.

Was she in the shower or the bathtub? She felt like she was drowning. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe. She was drowning. She was going to die. The walls were closing around her. When did her bathtub get such huge walls? And when did it became so deep? Her lungs were filling with water, she was about to regurgitate the quick snack she ate earlier in the day, and she was going to die.

What a terrible way of going down, she thought between gasps for air and dry sobs. Naked and fallen in your bathroom. The paramedics will have a great laugh, at least. If she’s lucky enough, they won’t snap a picture as a memoir or to sell out to the journals. Although, in the new timeline they found themselves in, did anyone even care about who she was when Lex was the hero?

Guess she wouldn’t be around long enough to find out.

So lost in her own mind, trapped and tortured by it, it took Lena some precious seconds to realize the hot water wasn't hitting her shoulders anymore. Ironically, it made the drowning sensation increase to a laughable level. If she could laugh, that is.

In the back of her mind, behind Lex's scream, Lillian's sneers, her father's passive face, her mother's hand disappearing underwater, she heard it. It was faint, shushed by the cacophony of sounds already screaming inside her head, and it honestly felt like someone was talking with her underwater.

"Lena."

Lena wondered if that's how it felt to be pulled into a hurricane. If that would have the same spiral, out of control, out of body experience. She heard it, her name being called out in the void that had become the space around her, but she couldn't identify the voice or the source. Sometimes it was Lex, screaming into her face. Sometimes it was Lillian, calmly calling her out in all of her life’s failures. Sometimes it was Supergirl, melting and mixing with the woman she once called her best friend. Sometimes it was herself, calling out for help. Either way, it did nothing to soothe her.

"Lena."

They were all right. She wasn't worth it. None of it was actually worth it. Not her project, not her research, not her hard work, not even humanity. Nothing.

"Lena, look at me."

Her eyes were open. She knew that because they were burning like fire - either because of the water or because of the tears, she wasn't sure. But she couldn't focus them. It was like there was nothing to look at. Nothing there. She was alone, as usual. No one wished to be around a Luthor. No one. And people seemed to like to prove that theory using her as the character in a study.

"Please, tell me what's wrong."

Hard to know where to start, to be fair. Was there anything right in her life? Her mother was dead, her father was dead, Lillian hated her, Lex was a manipulative little bitch, Kara was a liar, Sam was miles and miles away taking care of her own life, she had no one else, everything she worked so hard for was gone, not even her house was the same. And she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. How could she still be thinking if she couldn't breathe?

"Are you hurt?"

Everywhere hurt. Every centimeter, as though someone had picked up a piece of wood and beat the crap out of her, albeit she had no recollection of that ever happening. Did that happen? Why was her body hurting like that? Why was her head hurting? And what's up with her chest? Was someone pressing it? Did anyone put a weight on it? What a stupid jerk, if so. Lena doesn't do sports, she can't lift it!

"Lena."

It sounded closer to the surface. Was someone pulling her out of the water? And when did she even get in the ocean? Lena doesn't swim.

"Lena?"

Uncertain. She could relate. And that tone made a bell ring inside her head. Her name, said in that intonation, with such uncertainty, by that voice. She heard it before. Where did she hear it before? Why was she hearing it now?

"Let me help you get up."

That pulled her right out of the water. It was like someone hooked a hand on the back of her neck and unceremoniously pulled her up. The difference was shocking, the reaction was visceral and she was left feeling exactly like a fish out of water.

"Don't touch me!"

She hadn't been touched, Lena realized a second later. Not yet, at least, but a pair of hands were reaching out for her and they were just an inch away before her loud yell stopped them. It came from deep inside her chest, her diaphragm expanding and burning before releasing all the fury like an animal - a scared, cornered animal. The hands retreated immediately and Lena was left to her own. Her ears rang with her scream and she was transported once again to her laboratory a few hours prior.

"Don't touch me," she repeated and it was like someone poked a balloon with a needle. All the anger, all the vice was gone. Left was the defeat, something she was used to but hurt just the same. "Please, don't touch me."

Silence. Despite her heart ringing in her ears, there was silence. Loud. Suffocating. Maddening.

"Okay." She breathed out of water for the first time in what felt like ages. "Okay, I won't."

The air was thick with steam and Lena was reminded of the shower she was supposed to be having. The heavy breaths, the racing heart, the pounding head, it was all still there, and it didn't get any better when she remembered she was naked, sitting on the cold tiles of her bathroom floor, not alone anymore and not in the dark. Was she not alone for long? Had she moved at some point? Her legs were firmly pressed against her chest, her knees raising so high that she could rest her chin on them and, thankfully, it meant all her front was covered, and it also felt like her muscles had been stuck in that position for years, so maybe she hadn't moved. But she also didn't know when she got company. How did she get company? All her doors were locked. She lived on the fifth floor and, even so, the windows were closed.

"Can I..." How did she get inside? "Here, just let me..."

There was shuffling around, the sound of fabric scraping together and Lena was once again reminded of how sensitive her ears got while in the middle of her crisis. Suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts, she felt something falling over her shoulders and back. Whatever it was, it was heavy, soft and warm, and it helped to set her mind back in the present, her eyes focused, her head snapped up and her breath hitched.

And then she saw her. Well, rationally, Lena knew she was there all along, but her brain wasn't exactly functioning the right way so it was only fair it took her so much time to see Kara Danvers standing in front of her. Not so much standing, the woman was crouching, in fact, her arms reaching out around Lena and her hands holding the edges of something she assumed was the same thing that was draped over her shoulder.

Her former best friend's face was contorted in worry. The crinkle between her brows was prominent, the bright blue eyes were clouded in concern, her lips were tightly pursed in a thin line, and Lena was hooked by her look almost immediately. It was good to have something else to concentrate on, she tried to argue with herself, as though it would explain why her eyes kept moving around Kara’s face like she was a damn Michelangelo sculpture.

The hands didn’t touch her, successfully avoiding her skin after her explosion, but Lena still thought they were too close for comfort. The ends of whatever was dropped on top of her came to lay on her knees, in front of her arms, and Lena noticed that it skillfully covered all of her body. Curious, she forced her eyes to stop staring at blue ones and look down, albeit the pressure on her throat did no good to her current panicking state.

Red. Red like Supergirl’s cape. Lena panted quite heavily when she recognized that it was, in fact, Supergirl’s cape. Now being used as a blanket to cover her naked body, something she never thought would happen. The material felt harsh against her sensitive, reddened skin, brushing against her in an almost painful way. It was also heavier than it looked, definitely pushing her shoulders down and ruining her posture. But, oh, so warm. So warm.

“Lena, what happened? Can you tell me?”

Her eyes moved back at the blonde force of nature standing in front of her. The rest of the suit was missing, Lena realized, although not sure why her brain decided to jolt back to life to realize that specific detail. Kara was wearing jeans and a black deo sweatshirt that looked so soft that Lena wished she could bury her face in it and never let go. If Kara would still be wearing the sweater while she did that, well, that would just be a bonus.

“Talk to me, please. I’m worried.”

She certainly looked like it, Lena’s mushed thoughts wanted her to say. With a grimace, Kara indeed looked as worried as she could get. Her features reminded Lena of other times – of crashing helicopters, assassination attempts, falling from rooftops - all of which she hadn’t control over but she had Supergirl around to save her and make things easier. It was hard to associate the worried face of her best friend with the unbreakable pose of the superhero, even more so when they were blending together right now in front of her.

"Okay, Lena, you have to take deep breaths." No shit, she wanted to say. Do you think I enjoy breathing those shallow breaths that makes me gasp and leaves me desperate for more air? Not at all. It's not like her body was cooperative either.

"Can you do that?"

Lena didn't particularly feel like she would ever be able to breathe normally again. Rationally, she knew it would all go away in a few moments - leaving behind the dull ache in her chest and the bad feelings to deal with. However, stuck in her own mind, unable to breathe, fully panicking and totally lost, Lena was certain she was either going to live the rest of her life like that or that she was about to die - which, come to think about it, were actually one and the same.

Establishing that did nothing to help her calm down, unfortunately.

"Here, try with me."

She didn't want to. Lena truly didn't want to. She wanted, needed, Kara to move. She felt cornered, her back pressed against the wall and Kara in front of her. Her breath wasn't going to ease anytime soon while she was feeling like that. When Kara could so easily just... scream at her face, yell, grab, hurt. No, she needed space.

"Get out," her voice was hoarse, out of breath, and held none of the commands she intended it to have. Of course, the woman didn't move. "Get out."

To no avail. Her second request also fell on deaf ears. Well, selective ears, more likely. "I know you're mad at me, but you're clearly not okay so I'm not leaving you alone."

Lena didn't want to be alone. She just wanted to see the door. She wanted to see the exit and know there was a way out. Although, considering the inhuman force standing in front of her, was there really a way out? She couldn’t push Kara away, she wasn't strong enough. Supergirl was an unmovable object and Lena was no unstoppable force.

That was clearly the wrong route for her thoughts to take. Her already short breath became more erratic, her vision blurred and her chest tightened so painfully that she couldn’t help but think she was wrong and it was indeed a heart attack.

"Move," she choked. She was drowning again, faster than before. And who gave Kara the right to push her back in the water after taking her out?

For the second time.

Fortunately, Kara seemed to understand what she meant. At least, parts of it. Because she moved, taking a step to the side the best she could on her still crouching position. For a second, she just stopped there, eying Lena with bright blue eyes and furrowed brows, before she ducked her head.

"Please, tell me how I can help you."

Lena needed help. She could do it without it but she would be better sooner if she accepted the help. She didn't deserve - the soft voice, the worried face, the cape getting wet against her damp skin - but Kara was still there and Lena could be selfish for a few more minutes just so she could breathe again.

"The water."

The blonde was up to her feet in less than a second - literally, even. Lena would blame the adrenaline rush for her achievement, but she was able to shoot her hand out and grab Kara's hand before she could go farther away. Confused, the woman looked down. Broken, Lena looked up.

"Don't."

There was a pause, precious seconds being wasted, before Kara's eyes widened slightly and her other hand moved to turn the shower faucet again. The water hit Lena's back like thunder, sending electricity all over her nerves. It was hot, hotter than it was healthy to be, and it burned more painfully than she was comfortable with. But it pulled her out of the ocean again, it put the floor back under her feet, and Lena allowed the small comfort to wash over her.

Kara just stood there, her shoes getting wetter and the legs of her pants getting damp with the water splashing on the tiles, but she didn't move. Lena realized she was wearing comfortable sweatpants and a DEO hoodie that made her wonder what her former best friend was doing before showing up in her bathroom. How could she have her cape and not the rest of her suit? Kara just blinked down at her.

Then Lena let her hand drop back to her knee, releasing Kara from her hold - although, Kara could have freed herself just as easily. That seemed to bring the tall blonde back to life because she instantly moved out of the way again, leaving enough room so Lena could see the shower glass door and the bathroom’s wooden door. Her way out.

"You still need to take deep breaths."

"I-I-I-I ca-can't," Lena shook her head as she spoke, which didn't help with getting the words out.

There was a deep sigh all of sudden and she was almost offended to realize it had come from Kara. But then the other woman was moving again before her eyes could focus on her face and Lena was left to imagine if she was annoyed or not. Probably so. She probably realized Lena didn't deserve her help and that she got her sneakers wet for nothing.

Just as Lena was about to sob again, Kara sank by her side. Quite literally, she was standing one second, and then sliding by her side using the wall to support herself in the next one. Lena could only watch when the blonde sat by her side like the shower wasn't getting her clothes completely wet as well, like her loose hair wasn't clinging onto her skin and messing up her curly strands, like she wasn't sitting beside a naked and panicking woman.

Before Lena could even ask what the hell she was doing - if she could even find her voice - Kara reached her right hand out until she grasped Lena's left one. For a second, it felt like a complete stranger was touching her, like they had never touched before. It took a second, and then Kara's hand was like a rock against her trembling ones and Lena let herself be guided until her palm was resting against the woman's sternum. Kara held her hand there firmly as though she was afraid Lena would try to pull away, though she wasn't sure she could even move at that moment.

"Here, with me. In." Lena tried. "In, Lena. Deep breath in, come on, you can do it. In." Her lungs expanded and Kara nodded, copying her movement almost exaggeratedly. "Now out, slowly." She tried but it came out shaky and unsteady, so she gave up in the middle of it, letting out a huff of breath. "Again." Against Kara's chest, her hand followed the movements of her muscles and she tried to force her lungs to match the same pace.

Tired, Lena closed her eyes and let her head fall back until it hit the wall behind her. The water was now cascading down her face and neck, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. She had managed to get on the safety boat and Kara was slowly pulling her back to shore.

"Does counting help?" She shook her head no. "Silence?" Another shake, more urgent this time. "Okay, I guess the blasting rock music should have been my tip-off."

Lena chuckled. It held no real humor - because she didn't find any amusement in that - but she still felt the need to let the other woman know the distraction was appreciated. Before a panic attack would start, silence, breathing exercises and calming music would do wonders to her. But after it was already happening, there wasn't much she could do to help herself.

"Maybe it could help?" Kara offered gently. "Not blasting rock on your stereo, but some music, I mean. I could go put it on."

"No," Lena shook her head again. Her breathing had started to even out, albeit it peaked again under the prospect of being alone again.

"Okay." Kara squeezed the hand she was holding. "Tell me what I can do to help."

Lena breathed in and out twenty more times - she counted them as her muscles started to lose some of the tension - before she released a deep sigh. "You already are. Just... Just stay here."

“I’m here,” the blonde stated without an ounce of doubt in her voice, or any indication that she might not be there any time soon, so Lena allowed herself to focus on her breaths.

Kara didn’t let go of her hand and she didn’t try to recover it, and it took her a few seconds to realize that was the first time in almost a year that they were touching each other. Lena wasn’t sure whose fault that was anymore – not when her brain was still foggy. All she knew, all too well, was the pain still lingering in her chest, poking her wounds, breaking her walls at the same time it put two bricks at a time to replace the one that went down. And Lena learned that it was the only thing worth carrying around because it was the only thing that made you wiser – the good feelings make you weaker, Lillian would say.

“This might cheer you up,” the woman beside her commented suddenly and Lena almost jumped out of her skin – for a second, she forgot someone was keeping her company in her very large bathroom. “I beat Alex’s ass today. We were sparring. I won. Don’t believe her if she tries to tell you otherwise.”

Lena was sure she was lying. It was quite obvious when Kara was lying. Her voice got just a note higher and she spoke in broken sentences, as though her mind couldn’t form a complete long-phrase and would just come up with things as she spoke. Lena knew that. She had noticed that little quirk of her friend a few months into their friendship. It still amazed her how long she allowed herself to be blinded by Kara’s secret just because she thought...

What did she think, exactly? That Kara wouldn’t lie to her? That Kara was different from every other person who had ever been a part of her life? Even when she knew when her friend was lying? Even when she knew Kara’s voice enough to know when she was hiding something?

Who was the real idiot there?

Feeling overly exposed to those intrusive thoughts that were doing nothing to help her, Lena hugged the red cape closer around her body and shivered. Although the water falling from the shower was hot, it wasn’t enough to keep the soaked cape warm enough to keep her body temperature high, neither was the cold floor against her naked skin helping in any way. She wasn’t about to move, though.

“I was doing my laundry when I heard your heartbeat spike.”

The admission sounded quieter and almost shy, but Lena didn’t have the strength to look over at the woman who used to know all of her secrets – and offered only lies in exchange – to see it herself. Instead, she kept breathing in a perfect match with Kara. In and out. In and out. Hold in, slowly out.

“I tried to call your phone, but you didn’t answer. I called your name, but I didn’t get a response. I thought you were dying, so I panicked and broke your balcony door. I will fix it, promise.”

Lena almost laughed at that. She tried to picture it, the puppy reporter holding a shovel or mixing cement. The prospect of having Supergirl doing it was even funnier. And, for God’s sake, Kara Danvers is Supergirl and she had to hear it from Lex after she shot him.

“I thought I was dying too,” Lena confessed in a weak whisper that was barely audible.

Kara’s thumb was doing circles on the back of her hand and on the side of her wrist. For how long she had no idea, but that seemed to be the last paddles taking her to shore. “What happened?”

“I gave you the world! Everything!”

She could still feel it. His breath against her face, his saliva hitting her skin, his voice ringing against her ears, resounding on her head, breaking her down. Lex himself had never laid a finger on her. Over the years he had paid numerous men to try and take her life – and how many of those attempts were stopped by Supergirl? – but her own brother never physically assaulted her. Words, on the other hand, were his biggest weapon and Lex was a master at operating his guns.

He learned that from Lillian, as did Lena, ironically. Although the three of them were very different from each other. While Lillian held venom in her words, she never raised her voice. Lena had seen her in many levels of anger throughout her life, but she never saw her scream or yell. Lex dealt with things like her total opposite. He wouldn’t scream at every corner, however, he would get frustrated very easily and his way to lash out was to yell and let it all out. Meanwhile, Lena used sarcasm and some very well-made phrases.

She had only screamed once out of anger and it had been into Supergirl’s face right before she locked her away like an animal. Lena didn’t think she would have been able to scream if she was confronting Kara instead. Sweet, innocent Kara, although now she knew the truth. Now, months later, she wasn’t even sure she could scream at Supergirl again.

“Lena, breath in and out with me.”

Her breathing had accelerated again. It made sense, Lena thought with a generous amount of bitterness. Thinking about Lex and Lillian did that to her. “I think I’m going to puke.” As soon as she said it, her stomach made a sickening churn and she heaved a dry gasp. There was no thinking. She was going to puke.

“Can I help you get to the toilet?”

The other alternative was puking all over Supergirl’s cape. And maybe the idea was a little appealing, she wasn’t going to lie, but she also didn’t wish to puke all over herself. So instead Lena nodded and, in a blink, Kara slid from her sitting position to the same crouching stance she had before. This time, she held Lena's hand still close to her chest before she searched for the other one underneath her own cape. Lena was in no condition to be self-aware of her nudity or the fact that her former best friend was brushing much more skin than she was comfortable with.

“Here, I will pull you up and carry you.”

Lena wanted to protest but the bile was already high on her throat, her legs were still shaking and her head was spinning. Nodding, she let herself be pulled up to a standing position. In that second, many things went through her head – she was going to puke right then and there, the cape was sliding off her shoulders and her front was definitely naked, and Kara was very, very impressively holding her up since Lena had no strength on her muscles. The blonde let go of one of her hands so she could use the other one to adjust the cape around the smaller quivering woman before she easily scooped her into her arms and stepped out of the shower.

They were both wet and water started dripping on the floor immediately. However, Lena was not going to worry about it when her body was rebelling against her. Kara kneeled on the floor, taking the brunette with her like she weighed less than a penny, and Lena was hovering over the toilet a second later. She hadn’t eaten anything after the quick snack earlier that day, Lena remembered too late, because all that rose in her throat was liquid mixed with bile that left a burning trail on the way. She panted a couple of times, emptying her already empty stomach, until all she could do was cough.

“Breathe,” Kara reminded her softly and she came to realize the woman was sitting behind her on the floor, holding her wet hair up and out of the way, drawing soothing circles on her back. “Do you need to go to the hospital? I can take you.”

“N-No.”

“Or maybe the DEO, if you prefer,” the not-so-secret-anymore hero tried again. “Or Alex. I can call Alex or take you to her.”

“Kara,” Lena interrupted her, one of her hands letting go of the sides of the toilet to touch the woman’s thigh behind her – the only place she could reach in their position. Her mind felt much lighter now that her body had made the last rebel act against her. “I will be fine. It’s a panic attack. I’ve had them before, it’s fine.” That came out all shaky and broken as she fought to get enough breath to say the words.

Strong fingers closed around hers on a strong thigh. “I don’t know what to do, please tell me what I can do to help.”

Lena sighed, her entire body losing the rest of strength it had and falling on her knees on the floor. She let her upper body rest against the side of the toilet, trying to ignore the smell coming from it, as her fingers dug into a muscular thigh so hard that she was sure her knuckles were white. She closed her eyes and ran her other hand against her forehead to try to stop the drops of water and sweat from reaching her eyes.

She was allowed to be selfish for just a while longer.

“Alex kicked your ass, didn’t she?”

There was a startled silence behind her before a huff was heard, the warm breath hitting the side of her face. “She wishes. I totally won. Big time.”

The worst liar who ever existed – and Lena was the fool who fell for every single one of them. “Where’s the rest of your suit?”

“Washing.”

“I made the suit myself,” Lena reminded her. “It uses nanotechnology. You don’t have to wash it.”

“No need to brag, geez.”

Lena laughed. She just couldn’t help it. When was the last time she laughed? She couldn’t tell. It happened so long ago that she didn’t even remember that. One thing she was sure of: it was definitely because of Kara. And there she was again.

“Like I said, I was sparring with Alex. She insists I use my cape so I can learn how to escape if anyone grabs it.” Kara sighed. “She also said I should have kept the skirt and removed the cape.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That I still have the skirt somewhere if she wants to use it and see how it feels like.”

The younger woman scoffed and opened her eyes again. Her heart wasn’t beating so fast anymore, the worst of it seemed to be over, but her chest still felt tight. “You were wearing the cape with a hoodie?”

Kara looked down at her own outfit like she hadn’t noticed it before. Her clothes were soaked and clinging into her body, but she just shrugged. “I like the hoodie, it’s comfy.”

“Well, it’s better than what I have right now,” Lena avoided looking down because the last thing she needed was to see how very much naked she was in the presence of the woman she was once in love with.

Although it still felt like she was, being completely and utterly honest. Lena could lie to people around her but she wasn’t going to lie to herself. If she didn’t have any type of romantic feelings towards Kara, she would never have been blind enough to miss the huge piece of information that was almost screamed into her face every day. And if she had got over said feelings, she wouldn’t have followed Kara out to offer her condolences over Jeremiah’s death, neither would she spend two hours in a bookstore trying to find the perfect book, neither would she still have Kara’s photo in her phone and a perfect copy on her table.

 “Do you want me to grab you something to wear?” Kara asked softly, as though she was also noticing for the first time that the other woman was naked – though, she did go out of her way to cover her when she got there.

Lena tossed the idea around her head a couple of times before she nodded. “Just... don’t be long.” How pathetic. Lillian would have smirked at her, the same smirk that made her feel like she was worth less than gum on her shoe. Lex would have laughed in her face.

“Two seconds, I promise.”

It took her two seconds, indeed. The gush of wind from her departure was not even gone before Kara was back, holding a change of clothes in her hands. She put it by the sink before stepping back with a shy smile.

“I will let you change, but I will be just outside, okay?”

“Kara, I-“ Lena closed her eyes in shame. “I don’t think I can stand by myself without puking again.”

Or passing out. Or starting another attack. Or wishing to throw herself from the closest window. Either way, Kara seemed to understand because she approached her again, this time with both hands extended in front of her body. Lena took them without a second thought, as though trusting Kara came as second nature to her – something she thought she had forgotten almost a year ago. The blonde helped her to her feet and Lena had to let go of one of her hands to hold the cape in front of her chest to keep it wrapped around herself.

She must be a view, she thought then. Wet, eyes swollen because of the tears, panic still lingering at the corners of her eyes and wrapped around Supergirl’s cape. She must have looked even more ridiculous than she felt.

Once standing, Kara held her hand for a few more seconds. “Are you good?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure? Your heartrate is spiking again.”

Lena nodded. “I’m still in the middle of it. It will take a while to wear off.”

“What else can I do?” She had no answer for that and Kara clearly had no idea what to do, so she kept talking because that’s what she did. “What if I make you some tea? Would that help?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, good.” Kara nodded and took a step back, ready to get the new task in her hands done.

“Just...” the brunette sighed. “Just don’t close the door.”

Kara didn’t, and even if Lena was a little self-conscious about it, she was also thankful. Still shaking, she found herself a towel in the cabinet and let the hero’s cape fall from her body so she could get dry. Lena tried to do it as fast as she could. She could hear Kara moving around her kitchen and suddenly her bathroom felt too suffocating. She needed to get out.

Once completely dried, she picked the clothes Kara brought her. Yoga pants that she hadn’t worn since the last time she went to spinning classes – which, ironically enough, happened with Kara by her side – and a hoodie that Lena knew all too well. The gray sweater from National City University that belonged to Kara. The woman loaned her that when she found Lena drunkenly slurring her words out, drinking wine in her dark apartment, and turns out Lena never gave it back to her.

It’s not like she stole it. It’s just she wasn’t going to give it back to her friend without washing it first, but then she didn’t want to run any risks of ruining it, so she was going to do that separate from the other clothes. When she finally realized it, a month had gone by and they were having the third movie night where Lena was wearing the sweater and Kara had yet to say a thing. When she tried to give it back, Kara said she should make it her official movie night uniform.

Lena would never admit to wearing that sweater when she missed Kara during their fall-out, but she was also not going to deny it.

Either way, Kara had opened her closet – her ridiculously large closet – and between all the options, she chose her National City University hoodie for Lena to wear. That was, admittedly, the only hoodie Lena had, but she had other sweaters and long sleeve shirts Kara could have picked.

God, Lena was really going to grasp onto thin hopes, wasn’t she?

The bile was still burning in the back of her throat, so she moved to the sink next so she could brush her teeth, half wishing she could also have a mint or something. Even without it, she felt remarkably better already.

Kara was leaning against the counter with her right hip, dipping the tea bag inside her favorite mug - something ridiculously colorful with chemical elements all over that the woman herself gave Lena because it "reminded me of you" - and her face was serious, as though she was truly putting all her attention in not screwing up the task in her hands. She had pulled her hair in a ponytail to lock away the wet, messy curls, and her clothes seemed a bit drier, like she somehow had put it to fast dry while Lena changed. More likely she just used her breath or ran around for a few seconds. Her left hand was stuffed inside the pocket of her sweatpants, her jaw was set and Lena could see, even from the distance, that she was frowning as well.

And there was something in the way she just stood there, looking completely out of place and totally belonging there at the same time that just clicked something deep inside Lena.

Something she had buried away a long time ago, shoved inside a box and pushed it deep, deep, deep in her mind.

She could admit she had made a mistake when she started working with Lex, and she could admit she made a mistake when she locked Kara inside her own fortress, and she could admit she made a mistake when she closed her eyes to the truth screaming right into her face. She could admit she fell in love with Kara, she could admit she tried to fight it, she could admit it only broke her heart more than if she had talked with Kara about it. She could admit many things, but she would never admit how many times she dreamed about the scene in front of her. Dreamed about the domesticity that she always wished for, but never voiced.

“Are you feeling better?” Kara asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. The blonde had straightened her body against the counter, she picked up the mug between her long fingers and tried to smile, although it was constricted and uneasy.

Feeling better? Lena hadn’t felt better in almost a year. She felt angry, and lonely, and empty most of the time, and none of those feelings had washed away. They still hadn't. Those were some long months. It was a long time to spend alone, trying to find your way in a world you thought you knew while it seemed to be burning around you. It was a long time missing your friends, your found family, the days where everything was simpler. It was a long time battling to do good and hold everything together when you had no idea how to hold yourself together.

At least, she could breathe, unlike ten minutes ago when she was heaving desperate breaths on her bathroom floor.

So, she nodded. And Kara smiled a bit softer, and her next breath came a bit easier. At that moment, while her former best friend took a few steps closer to hand her the tea and offered her a smile she hadn’t seen in a long time, Lena realized she was remorseful. After everything that happened in the last hours, after another disappointment and another day missing and aching something that she lost, all she could feel was remorse.

She should apologize. She could try, at least. Ask for forgiveness after doing the things she did. Kara had a big heart – the biggest she ever saw – and maybe, just maybe, she would find it in herself the possibility to forgive her. Something that Lena hadn’t been able to do a year ago when she shot Lex and found out the truth.

But, then again, it was her own fault for closing her eyes to the truth for so long. It was obvious – painfully obvious – and she told herself over and over again that she was crazy for even considering it to be real. Perhaps she had been angrier at herself than at Kara. Perhaps she was just angry in general. After a year, it was hard to remember.

She picked up the mug from Kara’s hand, making sure they wouldn’t touch, before she took two steps back so fast that it was like she had been burned. Kara noticed it, of course she did, and her expression hardened again when she also took a few steps back. The blonde hero leaned back against the counter while Lena fought the urge to run and hide. Instead, she felt the coldness of a wall behind her and let her back rest there as she slowly brought the cup to her lips.

The tea was made the exact way she liked it, she noticed when the hot liquid touched her tongue. With just a splash of milk, no sugar, strong. Lena took a long sip as she avoided looking at Kara again. Her mind chose that moment to remind her that her former best friend had just witnessed a very real mental breakdown she had in her bathroom, that she had seen her crying naked on the floor, that she had begged not to be alone.

If she had trouble facing Kara with all the regrets from before, now she could barely stay in the same room as her.

“Do you want something to eat?”

Lena almost pointed out that she had barely eaten for almost a year. She used to have Kara dropping by at lunch or dinner with a bag of food to remind her to take a break and eat, but there was no one there to do it once Kara was gone.

Not gone, Lena reminded herself. Sent away.

Instead, she shook her head and took another sip of her tea. It was vanilla, which was a weird choice for that hour of the day. She usually likes drinking vanilla tea after lunch, black tea in the morning, and chamomille at night. Those were things Kara didn’t know, she thought. They hadn’t shared enough breakfasts for her to know it, and she was always gone when Lena indulged herself with a tea after lunch.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Again, she shook her head.

“I supported you! I sabotaged nothing! Touched nothing! I sacrificed my own goals for you!”

Lena closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the steam leaving the mug to let the smell wash over her. Lex had bad breath. Always had, if she was going to be honest. She remembers noticing it even when she was a kid and he was reading her books in bed, waiting for her to sleep when in reality she was too entranced in the story to actually do it. After she grew up, she started thinking if his bad breath was caused by his putrid soul. A manifestation of his rotten interior, as funny as it sounded. Either way, she could still feel his breath against her face and it made her stomach churn again.

“I should go.”

She hadn’t realized she had opened her eyes until she was blessed by the sight of a slightly annoyed Kara. The hero was unhappy, probably because of her lack of response, and she had pushed herself from the counter as though she was actually going to start walking away.

Away from Lena. Again.

Away.

“No,” she found herself saying before she could think about it.

No, don’t go.

No, don’t leave.

No, don’t walk away.

No, don’t leave me alone.

She could say any of the above and they would all be the truth. She didn’t. She couldn’t. She still had her pride, although faltered. Instead, Lena looked down to the dark floor of her kitchen and tried not to purse her lips in the same way Lillian hated.

"You can yell at me all you want later," she declared. “I just... I can’t be alone. It could... It could happen again.”

It wasn’t unusual, Lena thought to herself. Her panic attacks always came in pairs, which was a bit ironic considering Lena herself barely had any friends. And, even when she managed to avoid the second one, the feelings eating her inside still wouldn’t leave for days on end. And it wasn’t like she couldn’t be alone. She could, she had been alone for most of her panic attacks since she first started having them, but she didn’t want to. Not when Kara was there again. Not when she was sorry and Kara was there.

"I'm not going to yell at you.” That wasn’t what Lena was waiting to hear. She was expecting some lame excuse or no answer at all as Kara walked away. She wasn’t ready for what she heard.

"Please,” she scoffed and rolled her eyes because, of course, Kara would yell. Lex had yelled, her father had yelled, Lillian had yelled in her own quiet way. And it wasn’t like Kara didn’t deserve to let her frustrations with Lena out. “You can scream, say I'm worthless, call me names, say you hate me. Yell whatever you want later,” Lena shrugged and sighed. “Right now I just..."

Need you to stay and keep my mind busy.

She didn’t have the chance to say it, though. Kara interrupted her before she could, her voice firm and only slightly raised. "I don't hate you.” Their eyes locked from across the room. Kara was frowning, her hands had gripped the counter behind her, and her face was hard. When she spoke next, her words were calmer, although they held the same intention. “I might not agree with everything you did but I don't hate you.” Another pause, this time her voice came out broken and uncertain. “Do you hate me?"

Maybe. Lena wasn’t sure she ever hated Kara, albeit it was easy to think she did.

Kara had always brought most of her feelings from within her. The good was easy to see. Her loyalty to her only friend in a new city, her happiness, her love. Those were easy to feel and, even more, good to feel. After she accepted that Kara was the person that would make her feel more than anyone else in her life, Lena even bathed herself in those new things. But, it turned out, Kara also made her feel the max out of the bad as well. The rejection, the betrayal, the hurt.

And those were hard to feel. Those feelings she didn’t want to feel.

She did, though.

And perhaps it made her hate Kara for a second.

"Hate is the only thing I was taught was okay to feel," Lena admitted lowly, her breath blowing away the fog coming from the mug at the same time her eyes moved to the big glass door across the room. Outside, the night was heavy, the clouds were probably hiding the stars and the moon was only showing its right side. Inside, the tension was just as heavy, the hurt was hiding Lena’s true feelings and the tea was now lukewarm.

It felt like a lifetime ago when Kara first waltzed in her life, bringing the sun and all its shine with her. Certainly felt more than a year.

Inside, there was Kara, standing in front of her after a year of doing everything she could to keep her distance. Inside her apartment, there was Kara, strong and determined. Inside her heart, Kara was being pushed away by a monster called hurt, although she refused to leave. Not for the first time, Lena wondered if she would ever heal. Maybe she was too broken already. She felt hollow. She had felt like that for a long time now.

“Lena, do you hate me?”

The question was made with so much hesitation that Lena felt her heart sink, skip a beat, and start running at the same time. She was sorry, God, she was so damn sorry. But she was so hurt too. It was a lot to feel for someone that hadn’t felt much all her life. Or maybe she had felt too much all her life.

It was hard to say.

“No.” The admission came easier than it should have, Lena thought to herself. She did hate Kara, for only a second and only because hate was something she knew how to feel since she was a child. But it was only for a second. Enough to make her lose her breath and make some terrible decisions. Enough to make her scream and lock Kara away, and then lose herself. Enough to make her hate herself. “God. I tried, I tried so hard to hate you, what you did, your lies, your actions, your betrayal. But I can't. I can’t hate you.”

For whatever reason, she looked back to the other woman. Kara’s eyes were still hard, her brows were still furrowed, her lips were still pushed together in a thin line, but there was a small glint in her eyes that looked suspiciously like tears. She didn’t look angry exactly, but she didn’t look happy either. Lena suddenly remembered the face that had looked at her inside her bathroom – concerned and desperate to help – and she almost wished it back. She remembered the cape draped on her shoulders and the soft hand grasping at hers. She remembered lies next and it all came crashing down.

“Do you want to?” Kara asked eventually.

She didn’t look like she actually wanted the answer for that and Lena didn’t truly want to give her one. She did, however. Because her chest was still too tight and her thoughts were jumbled and her heart was aching for the past year and her sun hadn’t shone ever since.

“Yes.” Kara looked surprised, only for a second, before she started looking angry and Lena could almost hear her voice raising to yell at her next – and she deserved it, didn’t she? She decided to talk faster to avoid it regardless of that. “It would be easier than loving you.” The hero now looked shocked and Lena huffed a humorless laugh at that. “I’m sure it would hurt less.”

That was a lie. She couldn’t be sure it would hurt less. She hoped it would hurt less because, right now, it hurts like a bitch and it was hard to think it could be worse than that. The universe wouldn’t be so cruel. Or maybe it would. It tended to have a great laugh with her.

“Lena...”

Lena shrugged, took another sip of her lukewarm tea and sighed. When she looked up again, Kara had moved. She had taken a couple of steps closer before she stopped, took three steps back, then moved forward again. She came to a halt in the middle of Lena’s ridiculously big kitchen, with her mouth opening and closing like she was trying to say something but had no idea what to say, and Lena almost laughed.

Almost.

She didn’t, though. Because she felt more like crying than laughing for almost a year now.

“I will have your cape washed and return it tomorrow,” she said, took a deep breath, and reached out to put her mug down and crossed her arms. “I hope you don’t mind if I use...” coconut soap. That was what she was going to say and it would be more out of depracative humor than actual concern for Kara’s soap preferences, but the words died at the back of her throat when she noticed that the blonde was moving again.

Closer.

Really close.

Somehow, closer than they had been inside her bathroom because, in there, Kara had touched her hand and nothing else. In the kitchen, her former best friend suddenly raised her hand to touch Lena’s jaw.

“What are you doing?” she asked and she sounded completely out of breath as though she was in the middle of a new panic attack. Which wouldn’t be surprising. There wasn’t a mirror around, but Lena could picture the surprise on her face and the panic behind her eyes as she waited for Kara’s response.

“I just...” Blue eyes flicked from her eyes to her lips, then back to her eyes, and Kara looked so lost that Lena almost asked her if she needed to sit down and take a breath. “I just need to try something.”

Kara’s lips were softer than they looked, which came as a shock. Lena gasped the first time she felt them touching hers and her eyes widened as her arms fell to her side, not sure what was even going on. Kara tasted like a matcha green latte from Starbucks – and Lena hated matcha with all her being – and onion ring chips that she remembered were one of Kara’s favorite snacks. She smelled a bit like sweat and deodorant, and she kind of kissed Lena’s teeth at first before their lips touched.

Lena always imagined their first kiss – and, yes, she had thought about it like an obsessed person since she first met the blonde – would be the sweetest thing ever, with fireworks exploding in the background, racing hearts and shy giggles. Things she saw in the romantic comedies she watched on numerous movie nights because she knew Kara liked them. Things she had never experienced herself, but thought they would happen when she kissed the woman she had fallen in love with so deeply.

That wasn’t the case.

There were no fireworks and it wasn’t sweet either. Her heart was racing, though. One thing checked. The kiss was heavy with hurt and a year of distance. The giggles didn’t come. It was hard, and messy, and out of sync, and Lena felt almost angry at Kara for taking that fantasy away from her. For crushing another thing in her life.

Instead, she tried to take it back by biting the blonde’s bottom lip hard enough to make her gasp, by raising one hand to grab the back of Kara’s neck to pull her close at the same time she pulled her hair harder than was necessary, by raising her other hand to grasp at the front of her hoodie to both tug her closer and push her away. Instead, she swallowed Kara’s gasp and shoved her tongue inside her mouth. Instead, she tried to hate Kara at the same time she loved her.

Instead, she only hated herself.

Kara pushed her back against the wall she was leaning against, kissing her back as hard as she was, but Lena didn’t allow her to take any control away from her. She felt a strong hand holding her hip as the other one cupped her face. Their push and pull lasted about a minute before they both realized there was no point in fighting it. No point in pushing.

Like wildfire in a dry forest, there was no way to stop it.

Kara’s hand was suddenly under her sweater – Kara’s borrowed sweater – touching her still damp skin and raising goosebumps everywhere she touched. Then her own hands were pulling Kara’s hoodie away, then her legs were wrapping around a slim waist, strong arms were picking her up, soft lips were kissing her neck and white teeth were biting her skin, and Lena felt the fire explode.

Inside, outside, everywhere.

She felt underwater again. She couldn’t hear anything other than the thunder her heart was creating inside her chest, and she wasn’t sure she was feeling anything other than the wandering hand beneath her clothes. Was there even anything else to feel? To hear?

“Lena?”

Lena didn’t open her eyes, even when her brain caught up with the distance Kara added between them. She had been barely able to feel Kara’s lips before, but she missed them once they were gone. She missed the warmth, the softness, even the taste. And she missed Kara’s hand once her former best friend removed it from the cold skin of her ribs.

“Lena? Your heartrate is spiking again.”

Kara sounded scared, although Lena had no idea why. She had witnessed a panic attack just a few minutes prior. Surely, she should know Lena wouldn’t die by now.

“Lena?”

She should do something about it. Take her mind away off it before it became a real, full-on panic attack that would consume her again.

“Onion ring chips.”

“Uh?”

Lena almost smiled at the confusion she could hear in Kara’s voice. She tilted her head down to hide the grin that insisted to appear, grabbed the blonde’s hoodie even harder and made sure that Kara knew she wasn’t supposed to pull away any further by tightening her hold at the nape of her neck. No point in pushing.

“You taste like onion ring chips.”

“Oh,” it was just a release of her breath, either in relief or more confusion, but Lena could picture Kara’s face perfectly even with her eyes closed – a crinkle between her brows, big blue eyes, pink lips pushed together. “Yeah, I, uh, I was eating before I came.” Blinking her eyes open, Lena sighed, nodded distractedly and tried to focus on everything she could see. Blue eyes, the crinkle, the tiny scar, pink lips, a black hoodie that was way softer than it looked, a faint blush. “Your heart is quite fascinating,” Kara mumbled under her breath when she raised one hand to fiddle with her glasses.

Lena immediately missed her touch. She wouldn’t, however, voice that. She could have, a year ago, but not anymore. Now, she bit the inside of her cheek and pretended she didn’t care when Kara let her hand drop instead of putting it on her waist again.

“Did you figure it out?” she whispered.

“What?”

“You said you needed to try something,” Lena reminded her with just a hint of bitterness. “Did you figure it out?”

Kara took a step back as though she had burned her. Half of her wanted to follow, to pursue, to touch and be touched. The other half, the one that still held some sanity, crossed her arms and hardened her expression. For the first time that night, the hero looked like she would rather be anywhere else.

“I-” Kara stopped, gulped, shook her head, looked down, placed both hands on her waist, looked up, down again, and then shrugged like she had just been defeated. Like she had just walked away from the hardest battle of her life without a victory. “Yes,” she ended up saying after Lena thought she would just fly away without looking back. “Yes, I did.”

At that, Lena cracked a smile. It was filled with bitterness and every bad feeling swirling inside her chest, and she wasn’t brave enough to look at Kara to see her reaction to the brokenness that was clear on her face. She was broken and she didn’t have the strength to hide it that night.

“Okay.”

Kara took another step back and the uncertainty, the hesitation she was feeling was clear as day in her blue eyes. Lena had forgotten. She had forgotten they were supposed to be enemies now, working on different sides and making accusations instead of sharing lunch while watching crap TV.

What an irony, Lena thought. What an irony that they had to kiss as enemies when they had been friends for much longer. When friends had meant much more.

The blonde took a step closer then, then took another two back, then closer again. She looked like she was trying to figure out something to say, what she should do, where to go from there. She had no idea where to start, but neither had Lena.

Kara was saved from saying anything when Lena yawned, bringing a hand to cover her mouth and letting her eyes fall close for a second. When she opened them again, the hero’s face had softened and she had a tiny smile that made Lena’s heart beat faster for a completely different reason.

“You should go to sleep.”

Lena almost said she wouldn’t be able to sleep – she never could so soon after a panic attack. However, she took one look at Kara’s almost gentle smile and decided to let her have that way out of the clearly uncomfortable conversation. Because it has been a year, and they were different people, and Lena didn’t even know who she was anymore, let alone anyone else around her.

“Okay. Yes, I will.”

So, Lena went on with her nightly routine while trying to ignore the elephant – or the superhero – in the room. She put the used mug inside the dishwasher, walked back to her room to grab her empty glass of water to fill it up and walked back to the kitchen. Kara hadn’t moved much, she had just leaned against the island counter and was staring at the marble with her brows furrowed and so intensely that, for a second, Lena thought she would burn the whole thing down by just staring at it. When Lena walked past her holding the full glass, she didn’t move and Lena didn’t say anything.

She wanted to.

Wanted to ask if she was going to stay there all night, staring at her counter and looking like she had no idea where she was. Wanted to ask if Kara still remembers where the extra blankets were. Wanted to ask her to leave at the same time she wanted to ask her to stay. And, in between her own confusion, Lena chose not to say a thing.

She put her glass down at the nightstand on top of the coaster, put her phone on the charger and walked to her bathroom so she could brush her teeth. While she added the toothpaste to her boring red toothbrush, Lena yawned again. All the emotions from her day were catching up on her. The deception with her project, with herself and humanity. Lex’s explosion. The panic attack. Kara randomly showing up. Kara’s lips touching hers. It felt like she had been awake for more than a day – more like a month – and all she wanted to do was crawl on her bed and rest. She knew sleep wouldn’t come easily, it never did these days, but she would try at the very least.

Lena fell on top of her bed like a dead weight. She didn’t bother changing clothes, closing the door or checking to see if Kara had left. The clothes made her feel comfortable, the bedroom could feel too small with the door closed and she didn’t want to know she was alone. So, she just took a deep breath, stared up at the ceiling and tried to think of ways she could force her body to sleep so she wouldn’t be able to think anymore.

Ironically, she fell asleep in less than a minute.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Lena woke up with the sound of heavy rain. There wasn’t thunder or lightning, but the rain was falling heavily outside from what she could hear. She took a deep breath, groaning a bit when she stretched, and then turned around to reach her phone. Her room was dark, mostly because of the curtains stopping any outside light to get in, and the glow from her phone burned her eyes for the first few seconds. She blinked the discomfort away before trying to focus on what she had to do that day.

She was halfway into remembering everything that had happened the day before when she noticed her blanket wasn’t its usual black color. Lena frowned, deciding she could concentrate on something else for a minute, and her arms fell to her sides so her fingers could investigate the material. It wasn’t as fluffy or soft as her usual blanket with its thousand something threadcount that had made it ridiculously expensive. Lena reached for her phone again so she could light the area around her and almost choked on nothing when she realized what had been used to protect her from the chill air of the night.

It was red and way heavier than it looked, and it certainly didn’t belong to her house. Supergirl’s cape. Every memory came crashing down on top of her leaving her breathless and lost. She remembered leaving that cape on her bathroom floor, wet and cold, and it made no sense to her that it was used as her personal mantle for the night. The only way for the cape to be covering her now instead of wetting her floor would be for Kara to have walked in after she fell asleep and put it on top of her.

That thought, that image, made Lena feel sorry again. She was sorry for many things. She had made a mistake, she was sorry, and she needed to say that before it was too late. Before Lex could move on with his plan, before he could cause even more damage than he already had, before something worse happened. And she needed to say she could never, ever, choose to hate Kara over loving her.

She needed to say that.

Lena almost jumped from her bed as she rushed to get changed and ready to go. It was early, way too early, and it was raining outside, but she would cross town to reach Kara’s apartment and she would apologize, she would tell her she was sorry and she would ask what the hell was the whole ordeal with the kiss from last night.

She hadn’t dreamed about that, had she? Kara kissed her. Kara really kissed her. Their lips had touched in a very non-friendly way. That hadn’t been a dream, had it?

No, Lena decided while putting on her trench coat without thinking too much about what she was doing. It hadn’t been a dream. She had said she loved Kara – loves, still, if she was going with the whole ‘being honest’ thing – and Kara had kissed her. Which could mean nothing, but also could mean everything, and Lena wasn’t about to ignore it for any longer. She would have to apologize, so she could add her own question into it.

She just needed to get to Kara’s place and...

Lena stopped in her tracks, almost slipping on the floor with how sudden she came to a stop, and only avoided screaming thanks to the way she was raised by Lillian. Kara was idly sitting on a stool by the island counter in the middle of her kitchen, drinking something from Lena’s old MIT mug while she read the morning journal. Like it was something common. Like she hadn’t just scared Lena to death. Like she belonged there.

Kara didn’t look up – not that she needed, Lena reasoned, she probably knew Lena was awake since before she had noticed it herself. All the blonde did was take another sip from the mug, turn the page and pursed her lips when she read something she didn’t like. The silence that fell above them was different from the night before. It was less heavy, Lena felt just as breathless, but it only lasted about ten seconds before Kara finally spoke.

“Are you going somewhere?”

She hadn’t look up yet and Lena felt only slightly disappointed. She missed the blue eyes, the small scar and the crinkle. She missed it more than she missed a simpler life without murdering brothers returning from the dead. Instead of replying right away, Lena glanced to her own outfit, to her purple trench coat, the jeans and boots, to the cape she had folded on top of her left forearm, and then, for some reason, she blushed. She felt ridiculous, for some reason.

“I...” Lena cleared her throat, bit her lips for a quick moment and then sighed when she looked back up. Kara was just lowering the mug again, and Lena watched her throat move up and down as she swallowed. Honesty, she tried to remember. “I was going to... try to find you.”

Somehow, saying she was going to try to find Kara sounded better than saying she was going to leave her apartment at 6 am on a Saturday when the sky was falling outside to cross town to beg for forgiveness. It wasn’t a lie, at least. And, apparently, it made Kara lose some of her determination to not look at her. Lena noticed how blue eyes moved to the side just for a second before focusing on the journal again and she found herself blushing again.

“Well... You found me.”

Yes, she did. Sitting in Lena’s kitchen, reading her journal and drinking her... whatever that was. Still there. Still around. Still... existing in Lena’s life as though they hadn’t avoided each other for almost a year. Well, Lena did most of the avoiding, she was going to admit that. She was also going to admit she had missed waking up and feeling hopeful.

And hope was all she could feel when her mouth started to move on its own accord, without her approval and faster than her brain could keep up. Hope that Kara would understand, that she would be able to find it in herself to forgive her when Lena had taken almost a year to be able to show her the same treatment.

“I have made a terrible mistake.” She watched through misty eyes because of the tears as Kara slowly let go of the mug so she could close her hand into a tight fist, and, even though her heart clenched and her mind started to race, Lena couldn’t stop talking. “I was hurt. I was so hurt. And... I thought I could get rid of the hurt.”

Kara put the paper down next and she took a deep breath before finally turning her head to look at her. Lena almost stopped there, she almost gave up, turned around, walked back to her room and allowed darkness to consume her. She didn’t, though. Not when Kara was looking at her like... like she didn’t hate her. Not when Kara was still there. So, instead, Lena tried to remember how warm the sun Kara brought to her life felt, let her fingers fiddle with the cape she was holding tightly and let every word slip from her lips without trying to contain them anymore.

“I thought that I knew better, that I could make the world a better place. But I was wrong,” Lena swallowed a sob back and tried to hold back her tears, although it was already a lost battle. “That hurt took me to a dark, dark path, where I was blind to what I was really doing, to what I had become. You were right. This whole time I became a villain, and then...” A lot of things had almost happened. And then she lost everything. And then she was proved wrong. And then Lex showed his true colors again. And then, and then, and then. And then nothing. “I’m not looking for forgiveness. I’m... I know what I said and I know what I did, but I am...” Sorry, so terribly sorry. “I am really hoping that you will believe me right now. Okay?”

“Lena.” The single word, her name, wasn’t said softly or gently, but it wasn’t a curse either.

Even so, Lena didn’t look up from where she was staring at the red cape and she didn’t try to stop talking either. “Lex is working with Leviathan, and they are going to...”

“Lena.”

“...use Obsidian to do something terrible...”

“Lena.”

“...using the system I made with my project. I didn’t know I was helping them, but I did. And now...”

“Lena.”

“...Now I want to help stop them, so...”

“For Rao’s sake.”

“...please, okay? I want to help stop Lex and Leviathan.”

“Are you done?”

It was the impatience she could hear in Kara’s voice that made her look up. She had expected Kara to be mad at her, but she wasn’t expecting the blonde to sound so... done. When she looked up, though, all tears rolling down her cheeks and sobs being barely contained, she saw that Kara had a tiny smirk on her lips. The blonde had turned her body to better look at her and she had now an arm draped at the back of the stool beside her while she rested her chin on her other hand.

For a second, a terrifying second, Lena thought it was over. Then, Kara sighed, pulled the stool back and gave it a soft pat. “Sit down, will you?”

Lena didn’t know if she should ask what was going on, scream or cry even more. Instead of doing any of those things, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried to order her heart to stop beating so goddamn loud. When she opened her eyes again, Kara was filling a second mug with hot water and she could no longer hold a thousand myriad of emotions swirling inside.

She allowed herself to cry, then. Allowed a year of bottled-up emotions to escape and take over. Allowed the pain to be known. Allowed it all to be felt.

She was not expecting to feel Kara’s arms warmly embracing her into a tight hug. It didn’t stop her from resting her cheek on Kara’s shoulder or hugging her back just as hard. It also didn’t stop the tears, but that was okay. She knew she could trust Kara to have her back while she wasn’t strong enough to do it herself.

“We will figure it out,” Kara whispered on top of her head where she was resting her chin and Lena didn’t doubt for a second that she meant it.

“Do you hate me?” she asked lowly, not bothering to raise her voice.

“No,” Kara’s reply came fast and certain. “I don’t think that hating you would be easier than loving you either.”

And when Kara kissed the top of her head, Lena finally felt it. The fireworks she heard about in the romantic cliches Kara made her watch. She felt the fireworks and she felt the heat of the sun. She felt the tingles and the butterflies. She felt safe, maybe for the first time in her life.

“We will figure it out,” Kara whispered again and, this time, Lena knew she was talking more than Lex, and Leviathan and Obsidian, and every other mistake in between.

“We will figure it all out.”

The Development of Law and Zoro relationship: Wano, ...and Law Is Not Happy About That

<Part I: Before Meeting>> <<Part II: Sabaody Archipelago, The First Meeting>> <<Part III: Punk Hazard: The Alliance (A)__(B)>>  <<Part IV: Dressrosa, The Breaking Point (The Plan Failed)__ (Saving Law)__(Protecting Law)__ (Birdcage, Pica and Doflamingo)__ (Aftermath)>> <<Part V: Zou, The Kindred Spirits (Traveling Together)__(Searching for Nakama)__ (Reunion)__ (Ninja-Pirate-Mink-Samurai Alliance)__(The Last Moments before War)>>  Part VI: Wano, Against Emperors (The Untold Journey)__(Luffy & Zoro Means Troubles…)__(…and Law Is Not Happy About That)

The fight between Law and Hawkins was stopped; Law didn’t manage to eliminate the enemy nor prevent information leakage about alliance presence in Wano. He almost was run over by a speeding cart with stolen food (another “crime” against Orochi & Kaido, which Straw Hats committed in his absence). No wonder why Law was so pissed of at Zoro (chapter 918):

➽ Up to this point, Law never have been so openly angry at Roronoa, nor aggressive toward the other man. Now, Law vented all frustration and anger while Zoro kept silent… and maybe felt some embarrassment(?) about Trafalgar’s unusual outburst, considering bubble speech with three dots and “sweat drop” expressing Zoro’s reaction in a more visible way.

➽ Another interesting detail is how calmly Zoro endured Law’s angry rant. He simply let the other man scream at him, and even tolerated grabbing his kimono and invading his personal space. When it comes to scolding, Zoro reacts differently, depending on the seriousness of the situation and who is scolding him. He either fights back in such situations or doesn’t respond to angry rants and taunts. For example, if Sanji started screaming and pointing his faults, Zoro most likely wouldn’t be so tolerable because those two like to antagonize each other. Seems like Roronoa opted for the calm approach with Law. Maybe Zoro knew that Law was right and his anger was justified. Maybe he simply figured it will be better if Law got all the anger and stress out of him. Or maybe he was just taken by surprise by the sudden outburst? 

↪ In all fairness, I think he perfectly knew what Law’s reaction will be, especially considering this ambiguous frame:

At first it seems like Zoro talked about Kinemon, what honestly would make perfect sense. He already mentioned Kinemon when repeated samurai’s warning to Luffy but couldn’t really say his name in front of just met Kiku. At the same time, he could also talk about Law, because at this point he was familiar enough with the man to predict his angry reaction. Law seems to be prone to stress and he likes planning everything ahead and Zoro not sticking to plan (letting Luffy smash enemy) would definitely earn Law’s ire. Righteous so. Then what was the point of arguing with Trafalgar? Even more, when the man, despite stress and rage, doesn't hold on such emotions for too long. Which really seems like the best way to deal with a pissed off Heart Captain was just let him scream until he cooled down and adapted to the new situation.

➽ Because Zoro did not stop Luffy as he should - as Law hoped he would - Trafalgar was blaming Zoro for the whole situation, even though Luffy was as much guilty, charging into unknown without care for consequences. Zoro not once tried to excuse himself or Luffy, did nothing to stop Law’s outburst nor remind Law he wasn’t his captain (superior) thus he wasn’t obligated to listen. He simply let Law scream and blame him for the mess.

Anime expended this moment by actually giving Zoro a chance to explain to Law why he screwed so badly. Which literally was “I met Luffy” what immediately refocused Trafalgar’s anger from Zoro to solely Luffy:

This extended scene fits well with already existing Law’s personal experience from Dressrosa - the usually stoic and reliable Zoro will throw away rational thinking in the favor of Luffy’s whim and craziness. Monkey D. Luffy has that kind of effect on Roronoa.

Also, another funny thing anime did with that scene is when Law was scolding his fellow Supernova, Zoro was maintaining eye contact.

But when he was saying “sorry”, he was clearly looking to his left, instead at Law. Which makes the apology feeling insincere. Zoro wasn’t really that sorry about the mess but he said it, most likely to placate angry (stressed??) Law. Seems like Roronoa is bad at lying; not on Luffy’s level of bad, but still not really into telling lies.

Law most likely could tell Pirate Hunter wasn’t sorry at all, which explains grabbing Zoro’s kimono and screaming more at the other man’s face.

➽ Zoro’s patience and lack of response makes an interesting contrast to Law’s unusual aggressiveness. We may only wonder if Roronoa already had some experiences with such an outburst from the other Supernova. Once again, there is little to no information how their relationship was affected by the journey and situation in Wano, nor why Zoro was so indifferent while Law’s level of stress so high.

➽ Manga and anime versions of the scene give us valuable informations. One: Law was aware that Zoro promised to not cause trouble, like not fighting with samurais and Kaido’s men. That of course was a rational thing to ask of Zoro, because the man is too bloodthirsty for his own good and is always up for a good fight. The manga translation makes it look like Law personally witnessed Pirate Hunter swearing to not cause any trouble. Yet Law’s screaming sounds a bit confusing. On one hand, he knew Zoro A) became a wanted man and B) was supposed to be in Flower Capital. So it seems Law was informed about Zoro’s mission of pretending to be ronin. Whatever Kinemon initiated him from the start or after the wanted poster was made public, Law understood the danger of drawing the enemy's attention to the alliance. Which may be the reason why he was so mad at Zoro and referred to him by surname or called in his mind an idiot. On another, asking Zoro - a wanted man - why didn’t he stay in capital sounds, well, kinda stupid (and interestingly, the additional symbol of irritation was added to this specific question / bubble). Roronoa killed in broad daylight an important person (magistrate), and either killed or injured the magistrate's samurais, so it is not like Zoro could wander through the capital or any city without causing more problems. Of course, wandering directless did not help the alliance at all but it was still the best outcome. As a wanted man, Zoro could either stay in capitol and draw enemy’s attention to himself - and in result, endanger Franky, Robin and Usopp’s missions and even alliance’s presence in the Wano or wander through the wasteland in which was easier avoid unnecessary troubles and, in case of fight, hide dead bodies without increasing the vigilance of Beast Pirates or Orochi’s samurais. As a wanted man, Roronoa wasn’t really in position to come back to Kinemon because of possible pursuit - though he managed to wander into Kuri region, but that is more lack of direction sense than anything intentional, I guess. Unless this is why Law was the most angry? That Zoro came too close to their main secret base of operation? Anyway, Trafalgar for sure did not hold back and vented all his anger and frustration at still passive Zoro.

Soon, the group made it into Okobore Town and gave the stolen food to starving locals while Luffy brought the fresh water with himself. Straw Hat told the happy people “I’m Luffytaro! If anyone asks, you tell ‘em my name!” (chapter 918). For the first time Luffy also noticed Law - now much calmer than a moment ago. Law made clear, that what Luffy and Zoro did was ultimately an act of rebellion against Wano (Orochi and Kaido) to which Luffy responded he was “repaying the favor” to Tama, who fed him, once again getting into additional trouble just because someone gave him free food. The serious note disappeared right away, when Luffy started screaming at the starving people to not eat all meat without him:

➽ The meeting between Luffy and Law is drastically different from meeting of Law and Zoro. Like was mentioned, Trafalgar didn’t show any anger or frustration, so either screaming at Zoro calmed him down or he already gave up trying to reason with Monkey D. Luffy. Taking into account all previous adventures from Punk Hazard to Zou, what in universe happened through what? One or two months at best? Law’s resignation makes sense. Luffy wouldn’t care nor bother to apologize for the pulled stunt, while Zoro, well, didn’t care much either, but at least didn’t try to argue back.

➽ Once the serious talk was done and Luffy literally jumped after the meat, Zoro and Law shared the same reaction (visualed by bubble speech with three dots, though the “sweat drop” symbolising embarrassment(?) is only on Zoro’s part). Despite the previous intense moment, both men were again on good terms and even in agreement toward Luffy’s idiotic/childish behaviour.

The next time we see Zoro, Law and Luffy, Trafalgar kept his distance from everyone else. He stood the closest to Luffy yet with back turned to him. Was that sort of ostentatious expression of dissatisfaction or did he keep watch in case of an enemy's attack, hard to tell.

Luffy loudly declared his intention about Wano to Tama (“By the time we leave this country, it’ll be a place where you can eat as much as you want, every single day!!!”). With a sigh, Zoro noted how because of Luffy’s action, the enemy will come after them for real. Law did not take such a comment from Zoro kindly, because the man ignored(?) his own part in the mess.

➽ Surprisingly, Law still was angry more at Zoro than Luffy, who was the main culprit. But it may be just Zoro’s uncaring attitude that provokes Law so much.

➽ Despite the still fresh feeling of irritation, Law decided to focus at the best course of action - moving on to safest place. In this case, to the ruins of Oden’s Castle, in which Kinemon and the rest of the alliance stayed in hiding. 

The group said goodbye to Tama who was taken to home by Horselina (a former enemy-turned-into-her-loyal-servant thanks to Tama’s devil fruit powers). Like always, Law kept his distance from others (in manga on one frame, he kept close to Zoro, on another, to Luffy). In anime, between sharing food and saying goodbye to Tama, Trafalgar was shown usually close to Zoro, similar like he did on Zou:

At this point, there is something to ponder a bit about Law and his (lack of) interaction with people. Like in the scene above, does Law keep close to Zoro (or Luffy) because of their bond (trust?) alone or is that partially due to his minimal social skills? As in, he keeps close to people he at least knows and doesn’t make contact with strangers unless it’s necessary. Zoro and Law both have some asocial traits (seen especially in their tendency to isolating themselves from too large group), but in contrast, Zoro and Luffy were shown through the Wano arc to interact and even befriend the local people while Trafalgar was interacting only with his crew, Straw Hats, samurai group (extended of Shinobu person) - the people he already knew for some time. Law isn’t going out his way to meet new people (like Luffy) nor bonds with accidentally met people (like Zoro with Tonoyasu). It seems in Law’s nature to avoid interaction with strangers as much as possible. Which makes me wonder if that comes simply from his introverted nature, general distrust for people or maybe even some social awkwardness created by childhood trauma and growing up in criminal organisation (Donquixote Pirates)? Because Law’s way to interact with people he just met is either ignore them (seen above) or act in cool manners around them, like in Punk Hazard with Straw Hats…  but frankly, Straw Hats freaked him there on so many levels it really makes Law looks like social interaction is not his thing. 

This reflection actually comes close to another detail. Namely, Law’s general feeling about Straw Hats helping starved people. Because the locals were truly happy and expresses that just before the departure of Three Supernovas (chapter 919):

Law has strong opinions about pirates, it seems. And it comes from a man that admitted he doesn't like to kill but yeah, doing nice things for (poor) people makes him sick. Was he so annoyed by the cheering people, or did he simply didn’t know how to react to such situation so he went with a grumpy approach?

Law expressed a lot emotions; the outbursts of anger departs from the image of stoic captain but at the same it makes me think that Law must feel okay around Zoro to be so open about his frustration (and lack of control over situation?). At the same time, Zoro let him take out all anger on him without a word. But the most important thing, no matter how much Zoro’s screwed up, no matter how much Law’s screamed and accused and was unhappy about, it didn’t change their already estabilished relationship. Once the situation calmed down, Law again kept close to Zoro and shared the same opinion about Luffy’s antics and in general they were okay in each company. 

Next part: Separated Again

I have kind of an odd question - do you believe that we're fully pardoned of our sins through faith alone? I've struggled w that a lot - in the church I grew up in, we were taught that. But a respected member of my church committed a really horrific crime when I was quite young, and he died immediately after. It's really shaken my faith ever since - I don't really believe in Hell, but how could someone who has done that go to heaven through faith alone? Thank you and sorry this is so dark lol

This isn’t an odd question at all, and I’m sure other people have similar questions! Sorry for taking a few days to get to this ask. (Also, sorry if there are any typos or weird organization in this post; I'm having trouble today with health issues.)

I genuinely believe that we are all saved. I talked about this a little more in this post:

“I don’t think anyone’s going to hell. I think we’ll all be saved. This is crazy to a lot of people! That’s ok! But I thought I might as well mention this because it’s important to me:

We are saved by grace. Not by what we do or how we love or how good of a Christian we might be. We’re saved because God loves us. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do good things and love others and strive to be good Christians. But it means that even if we fail at these things, we are welcomed into God’s eternal love.

I believe hell is the state of being in God’s eternal love but not being able to accept it. . . . We’re all welcomed, it’s just whether we choose to be welcomed. Being loved by God but not wanting to be probably feels like fire, probably feels like burning and abandonment.

We just need to learn to let God in, and we will be saved. On earth and in heaven. Amen.”

(For context, that was to someone worrying about whether their Muslim friend was going to heaven. But you aren’t asking for that comfort. And I totally get that!)

It looks like you have two separate questions: Are we pardoned of our sins through faith alone? and Can someone get to heaven through faith alone?

I’ve definitely struggled with this. How can we denounce evil people, but believe they’re going to heaven? Why would we want to be in a heaven with evil people? What’s the point of being a good person if we all end up with God anyway?

I won’t pretend to have an easy (or even a complete) answer to this. But here’s some haphazard thoughts:

It's easy to tell ourselves, "Oh, it's okay if someone makes a mistake or does something wrong. God will forgive us!" But when we think about what that means? The scope of sin? It becomes a lot harder to say that. Getting our head around the fact that Jesus died for every single one of us and that we're supposed to love our enemies is very intense.

I think the difference between atoning for our sins on earth and being welcomed in heaven are separate issues!

There are evil people, people that we could never feel safe around, people that have never once felt sorry for their actions. I do believe Jesus has called us to care for them and love them (not in a personal relationship way, but in a valuing their humanity way) and that's so effing hard. That hurts. That feels like a betrayal of our moral standards.

Prison abolitionists and other people working for transformative justice talk about this concept: caring for people and giving people resources decreases crime. I think in the same way we can say that loving people helps them sin less. Loving sinners will help their futures.

But what about your situation? This person is dead. They don't have a chance to change their behavior or atone for their faults. The easy answer is that now it's only up to God. We can't do anything for or about this person.

But that's not enough, is it? We want to know. We don't want God to work in mysterious ways. And sometimes, in parts of ourselves we might not want to admit, we want revenge. We want to see the people we've hurt punished. The author of Psalm 91 asks God to "repay to the proud what the deserve!"

Okay, so how can we denounce evil people, but think they're going to heaven? I mean, I do both every day-- I definitely look to the Bible and see how evil leaders are constantly being torn down and denounced and even killed, and also how all God's children are loved. That tension is crazy! It's been very healing to me, though, especially when people I love make mistakes or when I used to think that, because I was queer, I was irredeemably evil. But we can't have that comfort without also having the hurt that comes with realizing this applies to others too.

Why would we want to be in a heaven with evil people? Well, God's love will transform us. There we will be justice and atonement and radical change in heaven. There will be peace, I promise. We want to be in a heaven with people who were evil on earth because otherwise, what would be the point of preaching radical forgiveness and love? What would be the point of believing in an all-powerful God if they couldn't transform evil into good?

What's the point of being a good person if we all end up with God anyway? My old pastor had a really interesting metaphor: Imagine that your spouse loved unconditionally, for real. And they said, I don't care how many people you cheat on me with, I just want you to come at the end of the night. So you could do whatever you wanted in that relationship. You could sleep with a million people. But why would you want to? If you knew your spouse loved you that much, why would you ever betray that? Besides the fact that this obviously isn't an example of a healthy human relationship, this really showed me what sin is. We can do whatever evil we want, and faith will save us. But why would we want to? We don't have to be a good person, but I would rather be with God on earth and in heaven, instead of just in heaven. The person you're talking about didn't fully experience God's love on earth, and betrayed God's love, but he's with God's love now at the end of the night. But we can do better. We can be with God in the here and now. We're lucky to have more chances.

Okay, conclusion: It would be easy for me to say that you should forgive them and move on. But that's not how this works. My advice: let yourself feel those emotions, no matter how ugly. Remember that there is a holy tension between God's anger and justice and God's love. Give yourself time. Give love to people in your community so that perhaps they won't turn to the same evil that you saw in that person.

Here's a video from The Bible Project about Justice that's really helped me.

I don't really know if I've given you any answers, but I hope at least you know that you're not alone in struggling with this. <3

- Johanna

Love Life with Leo Woman & 5 Brutal Truths

Leo women are known for their charm, their animal magnetism, their ability to stand-out no matter what, and their goal-oriented personalities.

They're also known for being stubborn to the point of stupidity, for thinking very highly of themselves and for needing heaps and heaps of personal space, followed by lots of time for themselves.

They're enigmatic, they're self-assured, they're a force to be reckoned and, above else, they're incredibly easy to fall in love with.

After all, who can resist a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid of doing what she needs to do to get it?

If you're in love with a Leo woman, you're in for a treat, but to survive the experience, you need to know the following brutal truths.

#1. They're stupidly stubborn.

While they might call it determined, the truth is that Leo women are simply stubborn.

What's the difference, you ask? It's actually quite simple.

A determined woman will do anything she needs to do to achieve her goals, while a stubborn woman will try her best to prove you wrong, even if you're in the right, and she ends up looking like a fool.

Leo women are both.

They're determined when it comes to their professional life, their family life, and their goals. They're hard workers, they're patient, they're go-getters, and they're capable of achieving truly amazing things, but they're also stubborn.

Leo women can choose absurdly petty hills to die on out of sheer stubbornness. They're capable of undoing hours of hard work because it didn't go as they wanted it to, and they're capable of acting against their own best interests just to prove a point.

Do you know that phrase that goes "Cut the nose to spite the face"? That's Leo women at their worse.

The best way to deal with this?

Just let them be.

We don't mean roll over and accept you're wrong even if you're right. That's not going to help anyone; no, we mean 'recognize that she'll be on the defensive and act accordingly.'

When arguing with her, avoid calling her names or making argument about her. Simply state your point as impersonally and calmly as possible.

Once they calm down, they'll listen, but the more you push them, the more they'll push back.

#2. They're ego-maniacs

There's no nice way of putting it. Leo women think way too highly of themselves.

To be fair, there's plenty to admire about them. Leos are naturally charming, have impeccable taste, and are incredibly committed to their goals, which means they're often successful at what they want to achieve.

However, they're prone to obsessing over their good traits and overlooking the bad, resulting in the kind of woman who thinks she can do no wrong.

Leos can, and do, react poorly to criticism, which they often interpret as personal attacks rather than the advice it sometimes is.

Their desire to be admired and praised can also lead them to be unnecessarily competitive and showy, always on the look-out for opportunities to show off their skills and their smarts.

Leo women's ego can also lead them to believe their own hype, resulting in an individual that isn't aware of their failures or misjudges their skills and abilities. Not a crime by any stretch of the imagination, but a trait that will rear its head over and over again in a relationship with a Leo.

Suffice it to say, if a Leo claims to be an expert at anything, take it with a grain of salt. The reality, and their perception, aren't always the same.

#3. They love to annoy.

We mean this in the most loving way possible.

Leos love to mess with people, teasing, pranking, and joking around as a way to show they care. Though not their most well-known trait, Leos are huge jokers, and they're often looking for ways to make other people laugh.

It's not hard to believe, really. Leos love to be liked and desire being the center of attention, and what better way to charm people than by making them laugh?

The thing about Leo women, though, is that their humor often derives from making fun of others. We don't mean that they like to mock others or bully people to get their kicks.

No, Leo prefers joking around their friends and families, but they often choose to do it by teasing them or making small, personal jabs in the name of good fun.

If you have a thick skin and enjoy sarcastic, even black humor, chances are you'll get along with them wonderfully. If you don't, then you'll want to talk about that with your Leo lover. Otherwise, she'll probably make fun of you in a way you won't like.

#4. They have no time for nonsense.

Some women are perfectly fine with tenderly helping others when they're having trouble; some women are more than okay with people who put their feelings first; some women believe that participation alone is enough of a reason to feel proud and happy.

Leo women believe precisely none of that.

Leo women are strong, sharp, stubborn, self-assured, and both willing and capable of eating the world whole. They have no time or patience for people who second-guess themselves, for those who aren't willing to go after what they want or for those who give up easily.

What's more, Leo women aren't care-takers.

Oh, they'll try to help you, and they'll always be pushing you to excel yourself and your own expectations, but sooner rather than later, they'll pull away and expect you to do things yourself, regardless if you're ready or not.

Because of this, Leo women can't tolerate clingy, insecure partners. They don't want to be with someone who needs to be continuously reassured, nor they want to share their life with someone who will expect them to take every big choice in the relationship.

Leo women want to date an equal, and if you want to be their equal, you have pretty big shoes to fill.

#5. They're super affectionate.

Leo women may be independent and may need their space. They may pursue their goals relentlessly and may sometimes appear distant and aloof.

However, Leo women care profoundly and love intensely, and that applies to family, friends, and lovers alike.

They're protective, playful, loyal, fun, and, more than anything else, motivating. They'll continuously try to improve the lives of their loved ones, either by pushing them to improve themselves or by taking things into their own hands.

Though they may appear self-centered, Leos are always aware of the people they love and those who have helped them. They give back, happily and generously, whenever they can, and though they may not check on their loved ones daily, they sure as hell think about them.

It may not be evident at first, but one of the biggest motivators for Leo's thirst for success is to provide for their family and their loved ones. Success for success's sake is rarely something that appeals to Leos; No, they want to be the best, so that they can ensure the people they care about are happy and well cared for.

Acts of services may not be every Leo woman's love language, but they tend to be up there amongst the most popular.

You made great points as to why a final Adam/Langa race would happen. It makes a lot of sense narratively, but I do hope they’ll choose a more subversive path in which he does forfeit/quit whether that be during Tadashi/Langa or Adam/Langa. I still hope for Tadashi/Adam to occur since they’ve also built him up as an equal. They’ve made a point that in other races Adam has purposely stayed behind to match the speed of other races, regardless of whether they start together, if he was interested by them. But Tadashi matched Adam’s time exactly in the qualifying rounds. And considering how much Adam has insulted Tadashi about being beneath him, I’d find them going head to head pretty satisfying. Makes me want to see a race where both are going all out since we’ve never seen either of them particularly intense about winning. Adam because of his persona and wanting to mess with his opponent and Tadashi because of his reserved nature. Either way I’m sure it’ll be good.

And I hope that Reki is more secure in himself when facing Adam like you mentioned. If he doesn’t want to go against him again, what do you think would happen? I’ve seen ppl say Reki will probably agree for Langa’s sake and the opportunity to skate, but what if he holds his ground about not enjoying skating with Adam? Do you think it’s possible that could be what causes Langa to forfeit/quit. (That would make Adam so mad lol). It’s probably not likely since they’re our main protagonists, but I think it would a cool demonstration of their character growths. Reki because he wouldn’t skate if it’s not going to be fun for him and Langa because it goes back to the original broken promise + prioritizes the relationship that makes him happiest about skating in the first place. Also, they can get away from what could be considered unnecessary, dangerous behavior that show condemns (when Manager Oka tells Reki that he’s enjoying pain because he’s unhappy with himself). Obviously skating is good for Langa and Reki, but the illegal and dangerous races at S could be framed as self-destructive. Especially when you consider all the injuries and strife surrounding it. I think if the characters were to come to this conclusion at some point (with or without quitting yet) it may make sense plot wise since the whole political scandal/jail thing makes me nervous about S continuing. Considering that Tadashi is the main man in charge of keeping cops away and he currently wants to end Adam’s time there, I wouldn’t be shocked if a confrontation with the law happened there like it almost did that one ep when the race got interrupted.

Oh and don’t worry about rambling at all! I love any long analysis on Sk8. Plus, I can get like that too and definitely edited this to make it more understandable lol.

Yeah, I would love Adam/Tadashi, but I feel like Adam/Langa is more likely. (And technically, Tadashi beat Adam by 2 seconds, though Adam also wasn’t taking it seriously then.) Though I do feel like Langa is probably at a level that Adam finally can skate all-out against him, if it comes down to the two of them.

When Adam insults Tadashi, I feel like it’s coming from all those years of resentment/lost trust (again, not an excuse for Adam’s behavior, but an analysis of it), and I also feel like Tadashi feels that he deserves them (and he himself sincerely believes that he’s below Adam). It’s obvious to me that Tadashi feels guilty for contributing to making Adam what he is today/for not standing up for or supporting him when Adam was younger, and he has been trying to make up for it by obeying Adam completely, no matter what he personally thinks. Because he couldn’t voice his opinion when Adam’s board was being burned, which was probably one of the most painful/significant experiences Adam has ever had, he feels that he doesn’t have the right to voice his opinion now: all he can do is try to pull Adam away from the self-destructive path that he’s on by betting his ability to skate on a race. In terms of skill, yeah, they’re equal, but in their interpersonal dynamics, there’s a huge gulf, which I think would make it very difficult for Tadashi to “save” Adam because Adam has lost all of his respect for Tadashi or his opinions.

I don’t think that Reki will end up not skating against Adam. But if he did, I don’t think that’s enough for Langa to refuse as well. My scenario for Langa forfeiting is that Reki gets wrecked against Adam, which outrages Langa and/or makes him have to choose between going to the hospital with Reki or staying to skate with Adam, and he chooses Reki over Adam. To me, Reki’s growth would come from the parallels between the two times that he skates against Adam: in the first, he’s completely crushed by the difference in ability and runs away, and in the (theoretical) second, he accepts that he will never be a star skater, but he can still enjoy skating even if he doesn’t win.

And I frankly was really pissed by Reki trying to force Langa to promise not to skate against Adam. Yes, he has a reason for it and he’s worried about Langa, but what about Langa’s own feelings? It’s obvious that Langa has fun taking on challenges, and Adam is the ultimate challenge, not just for him, but also for everyone else. If we want to talk about it in terms of relationships, which it seems most of the fandom does, I saw that as a possessive partner trying to forbid their partner from going out and having fun with their friends. Would Adam be a terrible “friend” to hang out with? Absolutely. But if Langa enjoys spending time with him, what gives Reki the authority to forbid him from doing so? So if I’m being entirely honest, my opinion of Reki plummeted after Episode 5 and just kept going downhill until the most recent episode. xD

I don’t think that “S” itself was particularly dangerous initially, other than for Shadow. Most of the skaters that we see seem to play fair and engage in contests of pure skill, even though it’s always been an “anything goes” sort of thing. Of course, it could be because the best skaters won’t get thrown off by petty tricks so it’s not worth trying them, but in the end, the result is the same. It’s only when Adam reappeared on the scene (from other people’s reactions, it seems clear that he’s been missing for a while since nobody could capture his interest) with his Langa-obsession that he started to contribute his own brand of madness, but that’s limited only to him. Unless someone is skating against Adam or Shadow (or that gang in the prelims), the majority of races are just normal races on a challenging track. Yes, they’re illegal (though it boggles my mind as to why: can’t Adam just buy it and turn it into “private property” so that he can do whatever he wants on it?) (though I guess it’s understandable since buying it would be a matter of public record and he’s keeping his skating life and public life separate) (but then can’t he get someone else to buy it for him?), but part of the attraction of skating is developing new things (like when Reki is gushing about ollies) and figuring out how to “skate anywhere,” so challenging locations like an abandoned mine and factory are places that people can do that. Like taking a turn with what Miya/Reki did by riding the board sideways, and improving on it by instead using a Caspar Slide. Or the various ways Langa goes through the factory (dropping down a broken beam, skating down the railing, using Joe’s momentum on the other beam to push himself forward, etc.). I think that Adam must have chosen that place for a variety of reasons, but one would have been its ability to promote improvisation/the evolution of skating in the hopes that he could find someone who would excite him. Which is why he’s so disappointed by Cherry’s “overcalculated”/boring skating.

After Adam gets arrested, though, I think that “S” will shut down simply because it’s Adam’s influence that’s kept the police away for so long. Tadashi takes care of the logistics, but that’s because that’s what Adam’s told him to do. But I don’t think Tadashi will betray him just to get it closed. (I also don’t think he phoned it in the first time, as I’ve seen other people speculate. I do think that the explanation is as it was presented: the prosecutor was suspicious about an area that was taken out of the patrol route, so she used her authority to override Adam’s bribes.) We’re talking about someone who will go to jail for a crime he didn’t commit to protect his boss. He’s not going to call down the police and risk them getting caught up in the net and in trouble.

(December 21, 2020 / JNS) It’s one of the few rap videos around that features a lead singer in frockcoat, tallis and shtreimel—paired with a cascade of gold chains (one bearing a Magen David) and leopard-skin scarf—dancing with guys from the ‘hood facing off against others in Chassidic garb.

As such, “Mothaland Bounce,” where our hero proudly calls himself “Hitler’s worst nightmare,” reveals much about the man behind it and what it means to be a passionate and deeply committed Jew of color.

Because for Nissim Black—successful rapper, father of six and Orthodox Jew—the video makes a strong statement about how Jews of color merge their very disparate identities into a (nearly) seamless whole.

(Fans may want to check out Black’s newest rap video “Hava”—a thoroughly Nissim spin on the traditional “Hava Nagila”—its release timed for the first night of Hanukkah).

Black is perhaps the most famous of today’s Jews of color. (Readers of a certain age will recall when singer Sammy Davis Jr. could claim that honor).

Though the term itself has gained traction in the last decade, there have always been Jews of different races. Scan the globe today, and you’ll find Ethiopian Jews and the African Lemba tribe whose men test positive for the Kohen gene, a marker of the Jewish priests.

What’s more, many Sephardic, Cuban, Mexican and Yemenite Jews consider themselves Jews of color. Not to mention the murky waters surrounding pockets of the Black Hebrews found in Israel (largely in Dimona and Arad in the Negev Desert) and around the Diaspora, many of whom claim descent from the ancient Israelites.

The numbers are equally murky. Estimates range from 6 percent to 12 percent—or even as much as 15 percent—of today’s Jewish population being Jews of color. But there is little in the way of standardized definition of who is a Jew; some studies count all the members of a household as Jewish household when only one member actually is. But when researchers Arnold Dashefsky and Ira M. Sheskin held the disparate estimates of Jews of color up to the light of demographic standards earlier this year, they concluded that the percentage of Jews of color “is almost certainly closer to 6 percent nationally [from the 2013 Pew study] than 12 to 15 percent. And this percentage has not increased significantly since 1990, although it is likely to do so in the future.”

It stands to reason that this year of painful racial tensions across North America could trigger an internal debate in African-American Jews, especially those who came to the faith not through birth or adoption, but who, like Black, embraced Judaism as adults.

And embrace it many of them do—with passion, perseverance and a deep appreciation—often overcoming raised eyebrows, insensitivity and even downright racism in the process. With a surprising number of them finding their spiritual home in Orthodox Judaism.

Nissim Black

Damian Jamohl Black, whom the world knows now as rapper Nissim Black, was born into a family of Seattle drug dealers in 1986. His childhood was pockmarked by FBI raids on his home, his dad was taken away in handcuffs, and he was accustomed to assorted incidents of street violence and crime. By 9, he was smoking marijuana, and plants were growing in his room. By 12, he’d joined the family business.

The only faith Black was exposed to back then was his grandfather’s Islam. His first religious service? A mosque, which he attended until his grandfather went to prison.

But at 13, Black was pulled into Christianity by missionaries. He now says it was the best thing that could have happened to him. “This was the first time I was around people who had normal healthy relationships. No one sold drugs, they had a heart for kids from the inner city, and their summer camp was the most fun I’d had in my life,” he recalls. “Becoming religious saved me from the world of street gangs.”

By high school, he was “the poster child of the missionary center.” That’s when he met the woman who would become his wife. As a Seventh-Day Adventist, Jamie (now Adina) went to church on Saturdays. They wed in 2008 but remarried in an Orthodox ceremony after their conversion five years later.

By 19, Black was making rap music professionally, and his mother died of an overdose. But by 20, Christianity was beginning to feel foreign to him, and he began wondering what the Jews walking in his neighborhood on Saturday mornings were up to. “I went to Rabbi Google and found Chabad.org. And it all began to make sense,” he says. “I told my wife [they were newlyweds] that I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas and Easter anymore. Pretty soon, she was doing her own digging into Judaism.”

The couple’s conversion followed in 2013 and aliyah to Israel three years later. The Blacks now make their home in Ramat Beit Shemesh with their six children, ages 1 to 12. “I wanted my kids to grow up here,” he says, “where they’d see Jews of different shades all praying the same prayers.”

“I’ve checked every box, right?” he says with a laugh. “One rabbi at my yeshivah told me, ‘You have a lot of strikes against you: You’re black, you’re a convert and you’re a Breslov Chassid. And in all these things is your greatness.”

Maayan Zik

Maayan Zik was 13 when her soul woke her up. Growing up in Washington, D.C., with her mom and sister—her parents divorced when she was in first grade, and she didn’t see her dad for another 10 years—she attended Catholic schools and was close with her maternal grandparents, Jamaican immigrants who took her to museums and taught her the value of hard work and education.

Accompanying her Jamaican-born grandmother to church every Sunday, by 13, Zik had “begun to wonder if what my family believes is right for me.” She explored a number of world religions, but when she saw a photo of her light-skinned Jamaican great-grandmother Lilla Abrams, whom family lore says was Jewish, “I realized I had to go way back to find out who I am.”

When she moved to an apartment in 2005 in the Crown Heights neighborhood of Brooklyn, N.Y., she noticed the previous tenant had a left up a poster of a white-bearded man. “I said to myself, ‘I’m going to find out who you are.’ The man turned out to be the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Two years later, after courses and a summer seminary program, she converted. Thirteen years later, now 36, Zik remains there—with her Israeli-born husband and four children. “This somewhat awkward coexistence that lives inside me” fades into the background when she begins to pray, she says. “Having a personal conversation with God as part of the Jewish people, it’s who I’ve always been; I just didn’t know it.”

Mordechai Ben Avraham

Black and Mordechai Ben Avraham are both African-Americans from the West Coast (Seattle and Los Angeles, respectively), and both found Judaism in their 20s. But their early environment could hardly have been more different.

Growing up in an affluent neighborhood with a successful businessman father and a professor mother, “my focus was on how someday I could make more money than my dad.”

Ben Avraham’s spiritual journey took him from Sufism to the Kabbalah until at 22 he experienced Shabbat in a Carlebach-style minyan. “It was like I was floating in outer space. This is what Jews do? This is amazing! The Torah, the prayers, this beautiful spiritual system God gave to the Jews for people to transform themselves—they literally grabbed my heart.” His conversion was complete in 2013 with his move to Israel three years later.

Now 39, the former TV producer is living in the heart of Jerusalem’s religious Mea Shearim neighborhood, working towards his rabbinical degree and publishing a book on the joys of Torah as a black Jew.

But why would anyone who’s already making a huge leap religiously and culturally choose to embrace Orthodoxy with its full menu of mitzvot, accepting the Torah as Divine and committing to living within halachah (Jewish law)?

“If someone is going to make this big of a change completely based on their need to go beyond, there’s a very real tendency to go what many would consider ‘all the way,’ ” says Henry Abramson, dean of Brooklyn’s Touro College and author of The Kabbalah of Forgiveness: The Thirteen Levels of Mercy in Rabbi Moshe Cordovero’s Date Palm of Devorah (2014), among other titles.

A shared history

Much of this tendency to search spiritually can be traced to African-Americans’ religious experience in America, adds Abramson. “Since the 1960s, we’ve seen the phenomenon of questioning the Christianity foisted on their slave ancestors.”

And though Islam has attracted many of these disenfranchised souls—in part, he says, because the black Muslim culture permeated prisons beginning in the 1960s—Judaism offers another option.

Ben Avraham maintains that, in a spiritual sense, Judaism may feel familiar to those raised in the black church. “Like Judaism, gospel Christianity is an intense personal relationship with God without any intermediaries,” he says.

This is a connection Ben Avraham experiences every day of his life. “Living in Mea Shearim, in a fundamental way, I’m around people who are just like me. I just connect with my Chassidic neighbors.”

A growing fissure

But after the 1960s and ’70s, when Jews fought alongside blacks for civil rights in the United States and in South Africa, “there’s been a growing fissure between blacks and Jews,” says Rabbi Maury Kelman who, as director of Route 613, a New York City conversion program, has welcomed many students of different races into his classes.

And, with last summer’s rise in violence between the African-American community and the religious Jewish community, primarily in New York,” says Black, “lately, it’s gotten uglier.”

‘I cried all the way home’

Not everyone in the Jewish community rolls out the proverbial red carpet for someone of color.

After working up the courage to walk into synagogue on Shabbat, Zik couldn’t miss the two women glaring at her, eventually yelling at her to get out and threatening to call the police before giving chase.

“I cried all the way home, but my friends would not let me give up,” she says. “I also knew from everything I’d read about the Rebbe, with his emphasis on love and kindness, that eventually this would be the right place for me.”

“Unfortunately, like in all communities, you’ll find the occasional ignorant Jew or racist,” allows Kelman, who offers programs on the importance of accepting the convert.

A time of racial tensions

With this year’s heated racial debates and demonstrations following the May 25 killing of George Floyd in Minneapolis, where does that put Jews of color, with feet in both the African-American and Jewish worlds?

Zik, for one, helped lead a rally in Crown Heights this summer where black neighbors shared their experiences with racism. “It was a reminder,” she says, “that the Torah teaches us to protect the rights of all God’s children.”

And the learning goes both ways, she adds. “When black friends ask me if now that I’m Jewish, do I have money? I tell them about the Jews I know who struggle to pay for rent, food and their kids’ yeshivah tuitions. I tell them that, when I’ve had my babies, neighbors bring us meals and help furnish the nursery. People here always want to do another mitzvah.”

Ben Avraham also says he better appreciates African-American history because he is a Jew. “We can see our own story reflected in the Torah,” he says. “Our two peoples had so many struggles just to survive.”

Adds Black: “Just knowing there are black religious Jews can help the two communities see they aren’t completely separate after all—not to judge each other so quickly.”

Kelman agrees. “Black Jews can be a terrific bridge chiefly because they have credibility on both sides. It’s increasingly important to teach our fellow Jews that we’re a family that comes in different colors, that Judaism is colorblind,” he says. “Once they convert, they’re just as Jewish as any of us—and our diversity only strengthens us.”

‘Something bigger than myself’

By the end of “Mothaland Bounce,” the guys from the ’hood and the Chassids are dancing together with Black as ringmaster.

But it may be “A Million Years” that’s Black’s love letter to Judaism.

In this 2016 music video (with singer Yisroel Laub), Black takes a journey proudly carrying a Torah throughout Israel—archeological digs, mountain caves, a busy shuk (marketplace) and Jerusalem’s Old City—turning heads as he goes. (Don’t miss the moment when Black stops to let some haredi kids lovingly kiss the Torah), finally nestling it inside a synagogue’s ark.

“Since I was a kid, I was looking to be part of something bigger than myself,” says Black. “I prayed and prayed, and finally, I knew who I needed to be, a Jew, and where I needed to be, the Holy Land. It took time but now God’s answered my prayers. And one thing I know is that to God there is no such thing as color. He sees us for who we are inside.”

As he raps:

“I came from a distance Where everything was different … I called out to You And You showed me that You listened … I gave my all to You And You showed me who I am.”

hood-ex

i was like well he could just date some random dude who's an artist or something and then i was like oh wait. kyle. lmao. did dick and kyle ever have interactions when donna wasn't around? i mean i know dick found kyle's.. spirit? or whatever in jla. but any other major moments between them aren't coming to my brain

LOL, nope, Dick and Kyle have barely ever interacted ever. Just at Hal’s memorial and then the Obsidian Age, which was well after Kyle and Donna split......they never hung out with Dick when they were together, as he was....busy in Bludhaven. Like Donna and Kyle were together during that period when Roy was running the Titans and they had that weird lineup with Terra the Second and Impulse and Fake Supergirl and just....yeah. But point being like, that was basically right after Dick left the team and Kory left to return to Tamaran, so Dick was kinda deliberately avoiding most of the Titans at that time, as far as I’ve always viewed it.

But yeah honestly all my Dick/Kyle thoughts pretty much stem just from their very brief Obsidian Age interactions and then me going like, huh. I could see it. Its more based on just their characters in general, and the fact that I think they have such similar priorities and mindsets as to be more alike than different, but without being so similar that they’re in any way derivative of each other or like....immediate analogues. Like you think of either Dick or Kyle, you don’t immediately jump to the other because they don’t particular stand out as being interchangeable or anything, but when you dig a little into their characters you’re like, oh wow, they have a lot in common actually.

In particular I’ve always keyed into the slightly lonely nature of Kyle’s position as Torchbearer in the GL Corps. A nod to his time as the only GL left, and the fact that he resurrected the Guardians and restarted the Corps, essentially.....so he’s always stood a little apart from the rest of the GLs, even Hal and John and Guy who were still around in some way or another back when he was the solo GL. Its not that he’s not close with them, its just that he has a very unique experience among the GLs where for most of the Corps, they always had the support of the Corps behind them as they became more experienced as Green Lanterns. And the weight of what they all did as Green Lanterns and what people looked to them for, it was always spread among like....the whole Corps, whereas when Kyle was Green Lantern during his solo tenure, like, it all rested on him, there was no one else to look at or look to....all eyes were just on him. 

That pressure, that absence of anyone who can fully relate, its always made him stand slightly apart from the rest of the Lanterns, even now that the Corps is back, and its only been heightened by the fact that he continues to have very unique experiences. Like how he was the only one to ever master the full emotional spectrum on his own, without external additives, the unique way in which he became the White Lantern, the fact that he has such a different relationship with the Ion entity than even those others who’ve hosted it, etc. Also the fact that like, despite his reputation among the Lanterns and others, despite how highly he’s regarded by them, that doesn’t always translate into the camaraderie and support you’d think it would, and most of his most intense adventures or most emotional storylines still happen when he’s off completely by himself with no lifelines. Because as much as he matters to the Corps and is valued by them, there’s always this kinda disconnect that frequently translates into a lot of distance between them and him, both physical and emotional.

And I’ve always thought there are a lot of parallels to the way Dick often feels like he’s alone even when in a crowd. That unique kind of pressure that comes from being the FIRST Robin, the original leader of the Titans, the guy who so often has acted as a trailblazer that others followed but without fully being able to relate to that experience of being first, of not having anyone TO follow, to have to make it up entirely as he went and hope that he wasn’t screwing up too much because it wasn’t like he had any precedent to look to or others to compare himself, his triumphs and his failures to. The way so often the buck stops with him and there’s no one really to pass it off to even when its not actually his fault, its more just.....people feel a need, a want to blame someone, and there’s not really anyone else to look at in his stead there. The similarities in how he also has such a positive reputation overall, and is seemingly so valued and respected by his various communities, and yet despite this it doesn’t always translate into direct and tangible support, leaving him often actually being cut-off and isolated during some of his most emotionally intensive storylines.

I think they have a lot of insight they could lend each other stemming from their respective experiences with the weight of legacy, which parallels without being the same....because the angle, the perspective is different with them. Kyle struggled with the weight of having to carry the entire legacy of the Green Lantern Corps by himself and feeling the responsibility of not wanting to let his predecessors down. Dick struggles with the weight of having his legacy carried by so many others and feeling responsible for what they go through as a result of that. And then at the same time Dick also struggled with the weight of carrying Bruce’s legacy as Batman at different times, such as Knightfall/Prodigal and then when he was lost in time, and now Kyle struggles with the weight of his legacy as Ion being carried on by others and the legacy his existence as the Torchbearer is creating for after he’s gone.

Additionally, they both have abundant experience with feeling under a microscope, like their every action is being scrutinized and they’re constantly being compared to the larger than life figure they’re most directly linked to. For Dick its Batman, for Kyle its Hal. That thing where they’re simultaneously expected to BE the equal to Bruce or Hal, or even better than them, but also at the same time being not exactly blamed for Bruce’s and Hal’s mistakes, but treated as even though they had nothing to do with their actions, they might as well have, kinda? Constantly compared to Bruce and Hal and with people saying they would have done this or that instead, but also with people quick to act like Bruce and Hal are their personal cautionary tales and tell them how dangerously close they are to becoming them whenever they do something that even slightly parallels the older two. 

Also, they have this distance between themselves and Bruce and Hal....Dick because of the chasm between them during the early years of Nightwing and Kyle because Hal was basically a villain and then dead during his early years as Green Lantern.....but without anyone ever really factoring in that they’re not as joined at the hip to Bruce and Hal as people act like and they not only have nothing to do with the worst of their mistakes, but the older two weren’t always as involved in the younger two’s successes as people credit them as being. And that very niche feeling that only they can really relate to, where Dick and Kyle so often end up being Bruce and Hal’s biggest defenders, and how often this overwrites or gets in the way of Dick and Kyle ever getting to fully express valid resentments they have of how Bruce and Hal’s own actions and choices and reputations impact Dick and Kyle’s lives and actions and choices.

Plus I think they’d just be good for each other - Kyle actually does have the ability to relax and unwind with his art and other hobbies in ways Dick could definitely learn from and benefit from applying to his own life, and Dick has the gravitas and weight of history and experience that means he can really address in actionable ways that Kyle can truly internalize, like the longing Kyle has always had, despite his many accomplishments, to really feel like he isn’t just a hero by happenstance or mistake, that he really belongs among their number. Kyle was a diehard superhero fanboy before he ever got the ring, and you can’t tell me he didn’t have a crush on the first Robin when he debuted back when Kyle was probably in middle school (they’re actually pretty close in age, with everything lending itself to the idea that Kyle’s of a similar age with Dick and the original Titans). Likewise, you can’t tell me Dick has anything but respect for someone who manages to establish himself and his own reputation despite how easy it’d be to be overshadowed by his predecessors and their actions.

They both have extremely parallel storylines even in their particulars......both have been briefly killed then presumed dead and then isolated from their loved ones for a period for a ‘solo mission’ and then blamed for that upon their return, even though Dick wanted nothing to do with that mission and was forced into it by Bruce just like the same is true of Kyle who was backed into his by the Guardians. Both have struggled with suicidal ideation in the past, most notably in the aftermath of Blockbuster and then with Kyle, his subconscious literally created a nemesis for him named Oblivion, who wanted nothing other than his death, because Oblivion was literally Kyle’s own death wish made flesh and blood by Kyle’s willpower and leftover Ion energy. 

Both have nightmares of being hijacked by someone else’s will and used as their puppets, with Dick and his many times being brainwashed and Kyle and his time possessed by Parallax. Both have extremely complicated feelings about children that were never truly theirs, both have been the scapegoat for crimes they didn’t commit, both are wracked with guilt for things they choose to take responsibility for but only because nobody ever told them it wasn’t actually their fault. Both are rape survivors whose rapes were never taken seriously or treated like they matter, and both are desperate for the approval of loved ones and mentors who actually do approve of them very much, but just often struggle to show them that in the ways they really need in order to BELIEVE it.

I could go on, lol, but like, you get it. Don’t worry, you’re not forgetting about some super significant story between Dick and Kyle, it really was just me latching on to that one story from twenty years ago where Kyle’s like if we get out of this alive, I want a hug, and Dick’s like deal, and I was like SOLD. And then my brain manufactured all these other reasons why clearly they are soulmates, and thus you have the Good Ship Dick/Kyle, which I shall sail forever more, no matter if I am only ever a crew of one.

afsbjkfabhjkfaghjkfalhkfla

Ok so this is a loaded question but I’m really fascinated by character studies and analysis, even when it contradicts what I have in my head. I just think it’s so interesting, y’know, the way everyone interprets the same character on their screen/pages differently. So for Katsuki, where do you think he falls short in relationships? I’ve heard people say it’s his temper tantrums and his angry demeanor, I’ve heard people say he just doesn’t have time and will be moody becuase of work stress, I’ve heard he’s too immature and emotionally stunted. Hell, I’ve even heard people say he would cheat on his partner. I personally partially do and don’t agree with these (everything’s a spectrum) because in my head, he will grow immensely throughout his years at UA and the years he spends as a prohero. And obviously, it depends on who his partner is and what their needs and wants are in the relationship. But purely on Katsuki’s part, where does he fall short? Where does he mess up? Let’s pretend his partner is someone who does understand the tolling workload of a prohero and the risks and sacrifice required of it, so let’s rule out lack of time. What about his character (not his job, friends, or family) is lacking?

First off, you need to come off Anon and be my friend. 😌🌾🍊

Secondly — everything under the cut. I talk a lil about Depression and Anxiety and Domestic Violence (just the existence of it, really, and some Endeavour talk do NOT @ me,,,)

Hm. This is actually the second ask I’ve had recently, asking/talking about a stressed Katsuki. The first one — which I’ve yet to answer, I’m sorry, I am getting there — was one asking how I thought Katsuki would apologise, after a fight. But it kind of stumped me, because like... we’re literally seeing in canon, right now, how long/how hard it is for him to apologise when he knows he’s in the wrong.

I’m with you, Anon, that I think everything’s a spectrum — some aspects/headcanons I agree with more than others. I think, for my personal interpretation of where Bakugou Katsuki would fail in a relationship, it would be quite simply: himself.

An adult Katsuki would need patience — and most of all with himself. And I think, given what we see of a teenage Katsuki in canon, that he would be the last person he’d extend that patience to.

I think Katsuki would let his temper fray (seriously fray) like, one time — and that would be it. No one likes being shouted at, least of all by someone they love, and it’s instinctual for us to like, flinch (I’m a crier, lmao — if you yell at me I will sob, and that is a threat). And it’s one thing to talk about all these hypotheticals, as we’re applying them to fictional characters, but it’s another to live through a relationship with someone in a high-pressure job, someone who has a volatile temper. Without that situation turning to physical domestic violence, the arguments alone — when you have them — are enough to be emotionally exhausting, for both parties. Global statistics on male perpetrators in domestic violence are high for a reason (this isn’t discounting male victims of DV, or female on female DV crimes, but they’re part of a larger and more indepth convo than I am qualified to have); but humans get mad. And when it’s a man getting mad at you — a man who, if we’re still going with Katsuki, would simply be more physically powerful than most of us (especially with that Quirk) — it’s a noticable dynamic. A notable power imbalance.

I don’t mess with character interpretations that would have Katsuki being violent, towards a loved one — I see why people would, though, and as much as I hate All Might for saying that Katsuki and Enji Todoroki are similar, he is right. Not that Katsuki is as dangerous as Enji has been, in the past, but in that they are both intense men (or will be, in Katsuki’s case) that can hyperfocus on the wrong thing. An adult Katsuki, by the time he’s at an age to have a proper, grown-ass adult relationship, will have spent his formative years being told — oh, you’re a lot. You’re ferocious (thanks, Jean-y baby). You and Endeavour are the same (fuck you, All Might, you withered bastard — go back to mooning over Deku). You know, being told by a top ranking Pro Hero he’s too wild. By his idol that he’s similar to a man he now knows - thanks to his gremlin earsdropping - has been abusive to his family in the past.

All of this — his past experiences with his own temper (*cough* whaling on Deku *cough*), what he’s been told about himself, knowing himself — on top of being hella perceptive (and knowing, exactly, how threatening it would be for a quirkless civvie partner to be faced down with an angry Pro Hero boyfriend) would be a disaster. It would be all it takes to prove to him that he has no right being in a relationship, with anyone. He would shut down completely, I think. He’d be sorry and contrite and frustrated, because he’s not good at communication at the best of times, right? So right when it’s so vital, whatever hardwon skills he’s gained in adulthood would utterly fail him — he wouldn’t be able to articulate what he needs to in that moment he needs to, and that would frustrate him more. I could see him just up and leaving — slamming the front door, disappearing for a day or two, maybe coming back at some ridiculous hour, silent and scared.

After that, it would be his partner vs. his self-perception, his sense of self-worth. Every niggling doubt he’s had (I’m never around, I can’t take them out on those stupid dates, when I’m finally home I’m either asleep or they are — ) would slam up with the serious, heavy stuff (the yelling/temper), and would just serve to compound the worst of himself.

Honestly? I see being with a man like Katsuki meaning standing with him in a lifelong battle with his darker twin — and the thing is, there are some fights we can’t take on, for the people we love. It’s why things like depression, anxiety win (for as much as I hate that term). You can reassure him (with actions, since that’s so important to him) that you’re still there, you still love him, that you believe you’ll be able to work through everything — but I can see it being really ugly, sometimes. Katsuki would be a commitment — one that no one would be obligated to take on for the rest of their lives, no matter how much you love him. And his first failing would always be to himself.

FULL  NAME: armin arlert. MEANING: old German name taken from the latin arminus, meaning "hero" or a form of Herman, meaning "army man" other meanings include: "Universal, Whole" NICKNAME(S):  armie, hot flash. GENDER:   genderfluid trans male ETHNICITY:  eldian HEIGHT:  5'3 AGE:  22 ZODIAC:  scorpio

SPOKEN  LANGUAGES:  eldian, knows how to read the marleyan written variant. PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS: vibrant blonde hair, vibrant hazel eyes, some pretty expressive eyebrows tbh HAIR  COLOUR:  blonde/honeyed in the summer months EYE  COLOUR:  hazel SKIN  TONE:  general warm tones that remain no matter the season. doesn't really tan in the sun, mostly just burns before returning back. BODY  TYPE: at first, rather scrawny but after more time with the scouts armin develops toned muscle. nothing over the top, but there is definitely a very obvious visible difference. VOICE:  steady, usually a very calming voice. armin speaks fast when he gets heated/passionate/invested in a subject and his voice grows louder in such instances too. can switch to a pretty harsh and commanding, cold tone when needed. DOMINANT  HAND:  right POSTURE:  very good posture, not only from his time with the scouts but even before that. his grandfather always got on him about it and given armin's height, he's always kept it up as an attempt to appear taller where possible. SCARS:  armin's body was made up of a lot of scars from training in early life but even before that, he had a fair amount from the times he'd get picked on as kid. in particular was a scar by his left eyebrow-- this faded after inheriting his titan. armin also has top surgery scars though they are now significantly faded and by the end of series aren't visible at all. TATTOOS:  n/a until post-series when he gets an ocean wave tattoo much like this one as a nod to his and eren's friendship. the tattoo is located on his inner right arm. MOST  NOTICEABLE  FEATURE(S): tragically, his height, he knows this. but also his hair is a very distinct feature even after multiple different haircuts/styles.

CHILDHOOD PLACE  OF  BIRTH: shiganshina district within wall maria HOMETOWN:  shiganshina district MANNER  OF  BIRTH:  natural birth, one month before due date FIRST  WORDS:  papa SIBLINGS: n/a PARENTS:  nadina & cariel arlert. deceased. PARENT  INVOLVEMENT:  armin's parents were very loving and happy to have a child, but their love and wonder, their curiosity for the outside world meant their priorities were never entirely fixed with raising their child. even while his parents were still around, armin's grandfather put more time into raising him than they ever did. he loved his parents and grew up with the same wide eyed wonder about the outside world, but he also held a bitterness toward them, especially learning the truth of their deaths and that they left him behind without a second thought. armin's grandfather was always heavily involved with his upbringing and armin credits him for raising him with respect for others but a passion to get what he wants. his grandfather was always the one to help armin pick his name and was incredibly supportive of him living his truth.

ADULT LIFE OCCUPATION: 15th commander of the survey corps & then peace talks diplomat CURRENT RESIDENCE: post series there is a lot of moving about, never truly settling in those three years CLOSE  FRIENDS: eren jaeger & mikasa ackerman were always armin's closest and longest friends. RELATIONSHIP  STATUS: single FINANCIAL  STATUS:  grew up often dipping between rough stability and poor and struggling DRIVER’S  LICENSE:   yes, got it post series CRIMINAL  RECORD:  wiped clean, ish. however he commit obviously, a lot of war-related crimes, murder etc.

VICES: armin uses drugs like cannabis fairly often, sometimes smokes, drinks a bit but it's all mostly done in privacy. SEX / ROMANCE:  armin craves intimacy with others through both romantic actions and through sexual. he's obviously grown up surrounded by war and it's never exactly been a high priority thing, but it is something he craves intensely. he's a kind romancer, putting thought into any acts to ensure things are always deeply personal and meaningful. SEXUAL  ORIENTATION:  bisexual ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION: biromantic // as an addition to these, armin is also polyam PREFERRED  EMOTIONAL  ROLE:  tends to lean to more 'dominant' in a way, particularly in later life, taking on a more care giving, listening kind of role. he likes to be emotionally supportive to his partner(s) and be their strength, even if he has a habit of ignoring his own needs in the process. PREFERRED  SEXUAL  ROLE:  and here it's much the same, armin tends to lean more heavily towards a dominant role. for much of his life, he felt out of control. even when in positions of power, there was a distinct feeling that the world around him was always one step away from crumbling. this has always been a very clear and easy way to feel in control. armin is very confident in it too, but he is never overly harsh, not unless it is an agreed upon thing with partner(s). he struggles to actually let go of this, the same as with the emotional role, but with the right person he'd be open to attempting letting those walls etc down. but generally, he likes and feels most comfortable here, like this. LOVE  LANGUAGE:  acts of service & physical touch are armin's key love languages. armin is an affectionate and considerate person. he pays attention to people, remembers a lot of small details about a person and uses those to express his feelings. physical touch is a heavy one though for him and it's deployed a lot. the acts of service tend to tie in with his dominant tendencies and will often have an overlap with that. LIBIDO: fairly high, but he's spent a lot of time pushing it down through life due to the whole a lot of other shit going on. but generally, he likes to have sex regularly especially since he has such intense attachments to the feelings related to it: the control, the connection with another person etc. RELATIONSHIP  TENDENCIES:  when armin is in a relationship, he is deeply committed. he will pour his soul into it, give everything to ensure it works and all parties are happy and cherished. he doesn't do anything by halves. while he can sometimes be distant just simply due to the fact he overworks himself, armin will still always try to be attentive and he's very good at communicating and likes to make sure everyone involved feels heard and seen.

MISC THEME  SONG:  the world is ugly by my chemical romance HOBBIES  TO  PASS  TIME:  reading is armin's main outlet, but he also enjoys painting MENTAL  ILLNESSES: armin has depression, ptsd & generalised anxiety disorder. PHYSICAL  ILLNESSES.  n/a, but does often experience chronic phantom pain. LEFT  OR  RIGHT  BRAINED:   more left brained PHOBIAS:  n/a, but can often be uncomfortable in prolonged silences so always tends to need some kind of background noise. SELF  CONFIDENCE  LEVEL:  armin struggled deeply with his confidence growing up and it had a direct impact on his performance in certain areas. years of bullying and of comparing himself to others meant that armin didn't always believe in his own potential. however, with more time and after having people actually listen to him and allow him the chance to speak and be heard, it began to grow. it was like a fire growing till eventually, it was unstoppable. armin knows his areas of strength and he has full confidence in it, rightfully so.

TAGGED BY:  @decimater TAGGING: 

okay okay, guys, so I know we’ve seen HP/Batman and ATLA/Batman mashups and crossovers, with numerous discussions about which Houses the Batfam would be Sorted into as well as which elements they would bend. 

I raise you: the Batfam in the world of The Magnus Archives. Which Fear Entities might they serve? Which would they abhor? Which might they have been victims to? 

Let’s discuss. 

(If you’re unfamiliar with The Magnus Archives, it’s a horror/tragedy podcast. Highly recommend. For context, though, here’s some info on the Entities I’m talking about)

Bruce: He’d likely develop an association with The Web, The Eye, or possibly The Dark with an absolute loathing of The Corruption, The Extinction, The Desolation, and, of course, The End. He fights to keep these last four entities out of Gotham while utilizing his association with remarkably contradictory Entities (i.e. The Eye and The Dark) as both a detective and a cowled vigilante. If anyone could pull it off, he could. And does. I mean, Bruce goes out of his way to investigate and reveal corruption, crime, and other plots against the good people of Gotham, which The Eye loves, AND he skulks in the shadows and makes common criminals piss themselves when he comes to get them, all of which The Dark would thrive on. In any case, I imagine he’d resent any favor given to him by ANY of the Entities. The Hunt enjoys Bruce, too, as it would all the members of the superhero community, actually, in some capacity. Another point for The Web? For all the plans and contingencies he makes, he never plans to make a family. Kids just fall in his lap, somehow in the right place and the right time. The Web undoubtedly has a blast with Bruce. It gives him all sorts of plots to unravel while ultimately playing him like a fiddle.

Dick: THE VAST OMG. He’d both be a victim and servant, and I will not take criticism on this point. The Vast is fickle, I think, and Dick would be a perfect plaything for it. As we all know, this poor boy lost his parents due to a fall from the trapeze, and he might have fallen himself, had things been different (*cough cough* I see you, Mother of Puppets). I love fics that put Dick’s love of heights at odds with his trauma (again providing some evidence for a love-hate relationship with this particular Entity), but of course, Dick overcomes the trauma associated with his parents’ fall and rarely leaves his feet on the ground. Heights and open spaces are his heroin. They’re in his blood. He shares this love with the Robins who follow in his footsteps as well as other colleagues in the superhero community. The Vast feeds off their initial fear of heights/grappling/free-falling, or perhaps each heart-stopping reaction they have when they watch Dick do all these wild acrobatic things from high heights. But The Vast isn’t just about heights, is it? It also has to do with a fear of falling into obscurity or feeling insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And we also know Dick has this fear in ABUNDANCE (see as, his oftentimes rocky relationship with his mentor, as well as his desire to be That Shoulder To Lean On in literally every team he’s been a part of). So. Yes. The Vast. 

Babs: THE EYE. Her code name is Oracle. She oversees the entire Batfam operation. And is also an information hub for THE BIRDS OF PREY AND THE JUSTICE LEAGUE. Like???? This needs no explanation or further discussion.

Jason: Oh god. This boy. Okay. So. He is fascinating, and he’d be fascinating to pretty much every Entity out there, for both good and bad reasons, too. They’d have a field day with him. Let’s look at his death first. He technically escaped The End as well as The Corruption and The Buried when he was resurrected, bodily restored, and forced to dig his way out of his grave. I cannot decide if these three Entities would target him specifically afterwards for having escaped their clutches or if they would be sated knowing how afraid he was at the time of his resurrection. Either way. The Web, also, would have had a hand in pretty much every convoluted part of DC’s many Crises, one of which triggered Jason’s resurrection in the first place. BUT WAIT THAT IS NOT ALL. Jason’s been touched by The Spiral (because who else would the Joker serve???? Actually... lies. I might argue the Joker shakes hands with The Stranger sometimes too, but idk how well those Entities would work together). Outside of his death at the hands of an avatar of The Spiral/The Stranger (which Jason would experience intense fear/loathing toward), the Lazarus Pit is probably a co-instrument of The End (because the fear of death does drive men to seek immortality, does it not?) and The Slaughter (for obvious reasons). During his crime-lord phase, he may have some association with The Hunt and The Desolation in addition to The Slaughter. The Flesh would have loved his duffle bag of heads. Prior to forming a team of Outlaws, he’s likely also been touched by The Lonely. And ALL THIS after being mentored by someone who has an association with The Eye/The Web/The Dark. And having a brother so closely tied to The Vast. In the end, after the Pit Madness has worn off, Jason might have unintentionally found himself an avatar of The End, but I imagine all of the Entities would love or hate him (and possibly even consider him with the same fondness they would a pet that gets passed around between distant family members). He...has a unique relationship with each of them, in any case. 

Tim: WEB TIM WEB TIM WEB TIM WEB TIM. This boy was born to serve The Web. Though he very nearly fell prey to The Lonely, on account of his parents’ neglect. Prior to becoming Robin, he had to fight every day to keep himself from being consumed by it. Continuously lying and tricking his caretakers (as well as his parents) into believing he was alright by himself specifically to sneak out and get pictures of Batman was what initially drew The Web to him. After becoming Robin? Whoooo boy. He had free reign and excelled as a master strategist and manipulator. He violently rejects The Lonely, no matter how often it tries to draw him back.

Cass: Like Tim, she’s been touched by The Lonely. Unlike Tim, I like to think she’s made her peace with it and has learned to live in harmony with the mark it left behind. I mean, her father isolated her for most of her childhood and denied her the opportunity to learn how to speak and read. She had no connection to anyone beyond that. The Lonely adored her. Once choosing to join Bruce, she casts off her larger association with The Lonely, obviously, and learns to become a part of a family. Unlike the others in the family, though, she does not serve any other Entity and makes a point not to get too close to any of them, though she does have an uncanny understanding of each of them (and can identify their avatars, victims, and associated artifacts on sight), which puts her closer to The Eye than she likes to acknowledge. Her hatred of The End surpasses Bruce’s.

Stephanie: she’s the hardest for me to decide upon. Tbh, she’s probably a lot like Georgie Barker in TMA. Perhaps her shameless lack of fear/ability to focus beyond her fears makes her uninteresting to the Entities, maybe??? Will come back to her later. And will definitely accept any further thoughts on her.

Damian: The League of Assassins is all about new world order, right? Ra’s al Ghul’s main motivation is to save the world...while also destroying a good portion of it to do so. So we know Damian has grown up around ideals of The Extinction, The End, and The Desolation. After meeting Bruce and moving in to Wayne Manor, it’s hard to shake any loyalty to these Entities. His death and resurrection, like Jason’s, ties him further to The End, but after meeting Jon Kent, Colin Wilkes, Maya Ducard (etc etc) and actually allowing himself the opportunity to be a kid, he doesn’t really serve any Entity, does he? I mean, he probably defers to Bruce’s loyalties in the beginning and continues to do so while learning from his other family members, but he’s probably made no such commitments to any of the Entities himself. Dick’s tie to The Vast may have some impact on him, especially considering how close Dick and Damian are, but I doubt The Vast would have an interest in Damian solely because of it. The kid’s personality and The Vast don’t mesh. I bet Damian may, later, genuinely follow in his father’s footsteps and be a dichotomy by allying himself with The Eye and The Dark. For now, though, he’s a kid and deserves freedom from any Fear Gods.

Duke: you see the state the Joker’s toxin left this kid’s parents in?? Victim of The Spiral/The Stranger, without a doubt. I’m not as up-to-date on his current arc, unfortunately, so I’m not sure which Entity he would end up leaning toward outside of The Eye (by association to the others and due to his own detective skills) but his powers with light put him at distinct odds with The Dark. 

Survey #311

“somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that i had in february of last year.”

What is something that is so awful it gives you pain in your teeth? Extremely sweet and/or cold treats. What is something you would like to teach someone? I love educating people about meerkats, snakes, tarantulas, opossums... lots of animals. What is something people tend to come to you about? For me to take pictures for them. What is something you would be willing to gamble? I don't mess with that. What's something you're absolutely 100% sure about yourself? Uhhh that I really like creating things and just being artistic. How often do you self-reflect? Probably too much, really. When was the last time you realized that you were the problem, if ever? I feel like a problem now, still living with and financially depending on my mom. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? Ha, Mom and I got lost driving one day looking for roadkill for me to photograph (that will always feel weird saying) and wound up pretty far north from home, kinda close to Virginia. It was a fun afternoon/evening. What are some sights around the world you would like to see some day? I'm honestly not crazy about pursuing ancient architecture, but I'd take the opportunity for some if I could, especially in Egypt. OH! Venice would be cool, and whatever that city is with the umbrella "ceiling" layer outside. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? No. Apart from sleeping, name something you enjoy doing in bed: Sit on my laptop or read. Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah, or at least something of the sort. Do you stay friends with your exes? Girt and I are close friends, while the others I don't have contact with. Not because we're on bad terms (I may be w/ Jason, but I think our last meeting was freeing for both of us and distilled any remaining tension), we just don't talk. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Pretty sure no, I'd crash. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? One or two. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. How many pregnant people do you know? Good Lord, a lot. People are bored in quarantine apparently lmao. Who was the last person to play with your hair? Myself, outta boredom, kinda just twirling it. Have you ever seen the inside of a computer? Yeah. ^If yes, can you name any of the components? I could probably identify the motherboard. If you could get a new phone right now, would you/which kind? I would. Idk what kind, though; I'm not very familiar with what's up-to-date. Have you ever cut your own hair? No. If you had the chance, would you start your life entirely over? No. How old is the eldest member of your family? I don't know really, given both pairs of my grandparents are dead. Probably some aunt or uncle on Mom's side. I don't remember their birth order. Do you drink the milk from the bowl after you eat all the cereal? No, it grosses me out for whatever reason. UNLESS it's after a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, then I'll drink it. Do you know anybody who has had an online relationship? Yeah, me, and some others. One thing that your guy best friend doesn't like about you: He's never told me about something he doesn't like, so I can't speak for him. How about your girl best friend? Ummm you'd have to ask her, too. Do you loan your friends money? *recites the usual financial woe story* Are you taller than your siblings? No. Do you have “photoshoots” with your friends/family members? Definitely not regularly by any means. Are you generous? If you ignore monetary generosity for obvious reasons, I think I am in other ways. Are you afraid of lizards? No no no, I love those tiny lil dinosaur boiz and gorls!!!!! :''') Ahhh, I want a tegu especially one day. How legible is your signature? It's perfectly legible, imo. How hot are your neighbors? I don't even know my neighbors. Well, Mom's spoken to the woman to our left more than once if they were both outside, but I know she's an older woman whose appearance I never really noted, but regardless, I know I wasn't attracted to her. Do you play Pokemon Go? If so, what level are you and who's your buddy? Yeah, I can finally play it regularly since they began offering a daily box with a few items in it, like the balls. I'm not checking, but I think I'm like... around 23? My buddy is Charmeleon because I love love loooove that evolution line and absolutely want a Charizard ASAP. :') What's the most daring thing you have ever done? I guess that would be the story about how I challenged my rather intense fear of fair rides that can trouble the stomach by going on whatever the thing's called where you slowly go very high up and then drop down abruptly. Yeah yeah yeah, I was safe the whole time, but it was daring by my standards, haha. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced twice already; the first time it closed while I was in the psych hospital and had to take it out, and the second one I just gave up with it after I kept losing them in my sleep and they just fell into the fucking void or something because I could never find them come morning. I eventually had none left to replace those I'd lost. And yes, I wore the curved types, they still just came out somehow???? Probably didn't help that I sleep like, ON my face sometimes, but... lol. I've been thinking of doing it one more time, but this time with a hoop ring. Nostril piercings are just really cute to me. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Somehow. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Do you have tan lines? HA. Absolutely not. Not even in the summer. Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip piercing? Yeah, he had snake bites. Has anyone told you they were in love with you? Yeah. Have you ever seen a bald eagle in person? Yes. Have you ever been vomited on? What about in vice versa? Oh my fucking god no, don't even make me imagine it. What is one family member you wish you were closer to? My sisters. When and where did you lose your virginity? Since then, what was the longest time you've ever gone without sex? I dunno, his bed or mine when I was maybe like 16 or 17. Been many years. What is your biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone? That I'll experience heartbreak again. Do you think that your life is exciting enough to be made into a movie? Do you think anybody would actually enjoy it if it were a movie? lol fuuuuck no If you were the opposite sex, would you be attracted to you? I don't know? If I was a different person, I'd obviously have unique tastes, too. Have you ever walked around your house naked? Oh no, I'm way too uncomf for that. Do you prefer profile pictures of you by yourself or with someone else? Me by myself. Did it bother you to find out that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Toothfairy were not real? Not really, no. I'd been suspicious about it for a long time anyway. Is there a food that you only recently started to like? If so, what is it and when did you start liking it? How often do you try again foods you don't like to see if your tastes have changed? Hm... I'm unsure about "recently." I'm not very adventurous with food at all, so the answer for the last part is not often at all. Who would you NOT want to read the surveys you've posted on here? What would most likely happen if they did read it? Is there anyone you actually wish would read your survey answers but doesn't? Probably my therapist lmaoo. It'd spark some concern, especially regarding my PTSD, for him to be able to see "wow, she is deeply scarred." I don't really "wish" anyone else would read them, other than the occasional answer I wish He Who Shall Not Be Named could hear. Do you watch Glee? If so, which song do you want to hear on there that they have not yet done? If not, which TV show do you think has the best soundtrack? I don't watch it. The answer is obviously Supernatural, like good good shit right thar. Do you think you would be able to pull off a crime perfectly, without being caught? What about other lies? For example, cheating on your partner without getting caught? Would you be able to get away with it? Ha, hell no. I'm way too clumsy in more ways than physical and would overlook so many details. And I wouldn't WANT to get away with cheating on my partner, thanks. Do you know anyone who has divorced and remarried the same person? What do you/would you think of someone who does that? I don't think I do, and it's not really my business, but I'd have silent doubts, probably, depending on why they split. Do you say goodnight to anybody before you go to bed? If so, does it feel weird if you go to bed without saying it to them? I say goodnight to my snake Venus; even if she's in her hide, I say it when I walk past her terrarium. It probably wouldn't feel weird not to, but I want to, even though she can't even hear me lmao. How do you react when you're scared? Do you scream, jump, cover your eyes, etc.? I am VERY jumpy, tend to gasp easily, and sometimes scream if I'm seriously scared. Who is the best storyteller you know? What do you find best about their storytelling? Is there an interesting story of theirs you'd like to share? I don't know. Do you strongly dislike (or even hate) any bands or musical artists? If so, what caused such a strong negative emotion towards them? Not for purely their music, that's just stupid, but I could certainly dislike artists for what they do as people. For example, I haven't looked into it whatsoever, so it could be a load of bull, but I know Manson recently had some sexual misconduct or assault allegations rise against him, and honestly, I'd believe it. He's one of my favorite artists (emphasis on the "art"), but definitely not high on my list of favorite people and keeps doing things that are making me lose more and more respect for him. Then there's Otep... again, one of my favorite musical artists. I agree with a good handful of her values, but she is nevertheless an absolute holier-than-thou, intolerant bitch. I don't like her as a person. Do your parents have any collections? If so, what do you think of those collections? Dad collects Cleveland Browns and Carolina Hurricanes stuff; it's all over his "mancave." I don't have an opinion on them. Do you have a favourite role of Johnny Depp's? If you don't like him, what is your favourite role of an actor you like? I'm not familiar enough with all his acting roles for this, but I know he's incredibly good at what he does. If you were in a competition to win your dream prize, and you were allowed to decide what the competition would be (trivia about your favourite band, a foot race, singing, etc.) , what would you choose and why? Uhhhh maybe facts about meerkats? Reason being it's something I'm honestly very knowledgeable about. What is your least favourite thing about the English language? Are there any other languages you prefer besides English? It breaks its own "rules" ALL the time. If I was fluent in German, then I might actually prefer it. There are many parts to the German language that make it very precise and clear what and whom you are addressing (ex., there are two different "you"s for singular and plural usage); the only real downside I see to German is the sentence structure is odd, but then again, I mean, it does encourage active listening to get all the parts of a sentence you need to understand what is being said. Would you be upset if a long-term partner confessed that they had committed a serious crime before you met? How do you think it would affect your relationship? Hm. I guess it would depend on the crime? I sure wouldn't be happy hearing they committed an as you said serious crime, but I'd have to consider if there were other red flags for danger going on, again, if it wasn't massive in my eyes. Do you enjoy watching the special features found on most DVDs? What do you usually enjoy more: the deleted scenes, the bloopers, the audio commentary, or the behind-the-scenes footage? I have to be seriously into whatever I'm watching to explore these. I do love me some bloopers, though. Was there something you were afraid of as a child that just seems silly to you now? I had that usual "monster (or in my case, skeleton) in the closet" fear. Have you ever had a crush but then found out he’s gay? Almost positive my puppydog-love middle school bf actually is gay. I also had a crush on a closeted gay guy for a little bit that same school year. Nowadays he is so open about his sexuality and even does drag, and he's great at it! It's wonderful seeing how far he's come in his confidence. Would you ever be a porn star? What'd your name be? Oh no, hunny. Does blood make you squeamish? No. What's your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales. <3 I also have a very soft spot for Charmander, though. What was the last event to cause you any sort of heartache? My older sister got in a wreck yesterday because some impatient bitch ran a red light. She's fine but did break her clavicle and is going to be using a sling for probably a few months. It was definitely upsetting to hear about. What do you do when you like someone? I tend to get very shy around them, more than I naturally am, and smile a lot. I try to stay in contact with the person, and it's maybe a 60/40 chance I'll wait for them to make the move versus me, but I've done it. Do you mind if people just show up at your house unannounced? YEAH. Especially as someone who needs to mentally prepare for company, don't do this. Do you enjoy rain? To a degree. If it hangs around too long, it affects my depression. I LOVE going to sleep to rain pattering on the window, though. You love Jesus, yes? I don't believe he was a bad person; quite the opposite, actually, but I don't "love" him. I won't go too deep into why just because I'm not in the mood to offend people today lmao. Who’s your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. She's my rock. How many different beverages have you had in the last 24 hours? Just water and Mountain Lightning (a Mountain Dew ripoff for us poor folk, haha). Oh wait, I did have a meal replacement shake for lunch yesterday, I think? Or that might have been the day before... How many brothers does your father have? None, unless I've seriously forgotten him having one. He only has a sister, to my knowledge. What kind of camera do you use? I have a Canon EOS Rebel T6. If you could change you name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't. 25 years with a name I quite like has worked out fine. What was the last song you listened to in the car? Uhhh it was "Drugs" by Mother Mother, I think. Are you the youngest, oldest, middle, or only child? I'm the middle child between my parents. What's the best thing about the place you currently live? Hm. I would say for practicality's sake that we're very close to pretty much everything, but seeing as I enjoy long car rides... With that in mind, I'd say who our landlord is. She's a very close family friend who is very understanding of our financial position, so pretty forgiving with some things. Do you eat breakfast daily? Yessss, I need breakfast to start my day off. Can you hear anyone talking right now? No, just singing. I'm listening to Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers. What's your favorite flavor of ramen? I solely enjoy the spicy pork bowl by Yakisoba. I've never had another I've liked. I lived off that shit in the apartment. I guess what they say about college kids is true, haha. Never realized that. When was the last time you had a bowl of soup? What flavor? Back when I got my snake eyes tongue piercing, I tried vegetable soup only to find I didn't like it anymore. Do you have any tinned foods in your cupboard at the moment? Yeah, lots. I couldn't name 'em all, besides like, diced pineapple, corn, and beans. We always have those. What was the last food item that you tried for the first time? On Thanksgiving, I was actually brave with food for once and tried that sweet potato dish that's topped with marshmallow, and it was okay. I never liked sweet potato before, and while I couldn't eat a lot of it, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Does anyone in your family have green eyes? No. What was the name of your first ever pet? I was born into my family with a beautiful collie named Trigger, but I have zero recollection of her because she passed away from old age when I was very young. My first personal pet was either my guinea pig Squeak or Chinese water dragon Shadow (no, I have no idea why I named a green lizard that); I can't remember who came first. I adored them both. I feel so bad looking back though, I was so uninformed on how to properly care for a water dragon that she (or he, we were never sure) was, as far as correct husbandry goes, horribly taken care of and stunted from having a tank too small. I consider myself lucky she seemed to really trust me and loved being held, even sleeping on me, and she did live out her full lifespan. I was lucky; please, please, never adopt a reptile until you are properly educated on their unique care. Where was the last place you went out for lunch? What did you order? Mom bought me McDonald's a few days back because I was really craving it. I had a double cheeseburger and for once large fries, because that's what I was seriously wanting. I usually get small or medium. Where was the last place you went for an evening meal? What did you order? I feel bad and selfish for breaking my own "stay the fuck home but for emergencies" rule, but my mom, one of my sisters, and I went out to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. I think I ate a chicken sandwich with Chipotle sauce? I actually don't remember for sure. I do however remember the cheesecake I got: some cinnamon swirl one that was fucking glorious. Oh yeah, and we had an appetizer of these pretzel ball things dipped in fondue. I ate waaaay too much, but it was a special occasion, so whatever. Have you Googled anything today? What? I ensured I spelled "clavicle" correctly. Yaaaay, I did. What do you like to eat for breakfast these days? Special K cereal, a sandwich, sometimes those pancake & sausage on a stick things I mentioned at some point in the last survey I think, or a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Maybe other stuff I'm just not thinking of. Is anyone in your family a nurse? No, but I have family in the medical field. Do you like to wear lipstick? What colors do you think suit you best? Not really, no, but I will sometimes for pictures. It smudges too easily yet is also hard and annoying to get off. I only really wear black. Who was the last person to recommend a book to you? My therapist recommended a book for the whole PHP group, but I can't remember what it was. Something self-care related. Who was the last person to tease or joke around with you, in a friendly way? I wouldn't be surprised if it was Tobey, the "family friend" I mention a lot. She probably said something technically rude that she thought was an appropriate joke. Is there a jar of peanut butter in your house? Yeah, always. Does anyone you know own a tabby cat? How about a cocker spaniel? Tabbies are very common, so yes. I don't think I know anyone with a pure cocker spaniel, but my late dog's mother was one. Do you have blinds or curtains in your bedroom? What colour are they? I have those slanted blinds that you can close by pushing them upwards or downwards with a stick thing. They're white. What was the last beverage you tried for the first time? Some form of juice I wasn't a fan of. Orange and peach, I think? Who was the last person that said you were beautiful? I think a friend on Facebook when I changed my profile picture. Is/are your pet(s) fixed? My cat is neutered, but obviously my ball python isn't. Roman would mark the house like crazy before we got him fixed... but even if he didn't, we still would have done it. Please make spaying/neutering your cats and dogs a financial investment priority. If you do the research, you would marvel over the "damage" especially one fertile cat can cause. Hell, my childhood experience with cats is enough proof of that.

Damn You For Making Me Love You (6/15) - Don't Stop Me Now

Thank you so so much, for your likes, reblogs, kudos and comments. It means the world to me.

Beta-Reader: Thank you so much, @ultraluckycatnd​​ I couldn’t have asked for a better beta. Thank you for all your effort, your suggestions, your advice and for always being there when I needed you.

Special mention to @saraswans​​ and @onceuponaprincessworld​​​, thank you so much for your perpetual support and for believing in me and in the story. Thank you again to the moderators of the event, @captainswanbigbang​​​ for giving us this opportunity and making this possible. You all are the best :)

Summary: Emma Swan and Killian Jones are close friends and co-workers. And both are in love with each other. The problem? They keep their feelings secret not only to the other but also to the rest of their friends. When Elsa, Emma’s best friend and Liam, Killian’s brother and Emma’s boss find out, they decide to form an alliance and work as a team with a clear goal, to get Emma and Killian to take the next step in their relationship and confess their love for each other.

Rating: M

Word count: ~ 10700 (98k total in 15 chapters)

Ao3 / FFnet

About this chapter: New flashback from Killian’s point of view, new performance … and new attempt on Liam and Elsa’s plan. If last week's episode was one of the shortest, this is the longest. I may have gotten carried away a little by the flashback... Sorry? I hope you like it, anyway :)

//

Chapter 5: Don't Stop Me Now

Killian - Two and a half years ago

Music had always been a constant in Killian's relationship with Emma. In fact, he had been playing the guitar and singing when they first met. The memory of that first meeting always accompanied him everywhere, to the point that he kept it as something precious. 

It was impossible to forget that first moment when she entered the premises and how the lyrics of the song he was singing seemed to acquire a new meaning because of her. Certainly, she had looked like an angel, with a kind of ethereal aura surrounding her due to the way the bar lighting fell on her. That particular verse — You're just like an angel — had ended up being a kind of prelude since Emma had become the savior angel not only of The Kraken, but also of himself. 

The first look she had given him would always be etched in his memory. He had found himself unable to take his eyes from the fire of her emerald gaze. To say that he fell in love at that very moment would be an exaggeration, but he would never deny that something stirred inside him when their eyes connected. He had definitely felt a kind of electricity enveloping them.

That feeling had not only not faded away but had increased as he got to know Emma. A rather difficult task, considering that she was a reserved woman, reluctant to open herself to others. There was something about her, though, a halo of mystery surrounding her, along with her determination and her incredible talent, that kept him completely bewitched.

His brother Liam, faithful to his standard of taking care for people in need of protection of some kind, took her under his wings from the beginning in such a subtle way that Emma didn't seem to notice. Little by little, she began to trust them, letting her true nature out to bloom and with it, causing his growing feelings towards her to increase even more.

No doubt the music in its different forms had helped to strengthen his feelings since it was as if his passion had always been the soundtrack to all the experiences he had begun to share with Emma. Something that wasn't surprising considering that they spent most of their time in the bar and that he was a musician. Still, he soon began cataloging his favorite songs based on the memories associated with Emma.

The Eye of the Tiger would always be connected with one of their first conversations, back when they barely knew each other and he tried to absorb any bit of information that she allowed herself to reveal.

Livin’ on a Prayer was playing in his favorite pizza shop the first time Emma had decided to accompany them after closing the bar. She even dared to joke with them by using the song's lyrics as an excuse, alluding to the fact that she hoped that the waitress who was serving them didn't have a life like the one of Gina in the song.

The song that opened his first performance in The Kraken was Sweet Child O’ Mine, chosen by Emma. In fact, she was in charge of supervising his entire repertoire and collaborated with him on everything related to his performances on Saturdays in Concert.

There was a song that stood out above the others, though. He had soon learned to respect Emma's reservations about being open to the idea of them as a couple. He also knew that he should be patient with her, perhaps because he had been harboring feelings towards her from the beginning. She had intrigued and seduced him in equal parts, with that look full of determination, her fierce expression, and her disarming smiles. His need to know more about her was overwhelming at times, but he restrained himself, waiting for the right moment. 

The long-awaited moment came on a Monday night one and a half years after they met Emma for the first time. The evening had begun as usual, with a session of Netflix and pizza at the Jones brothers' apartment.

When the show they were watching ended, Liam decided to go to sleep, saying that he had to get up early the next day. Neither Emma nor Killian were in a hurry to call it a night, so they decided to check the set list of songs that Killian would sing next Saturday, putting the player on a low volume so as not to disturb Liam.

Killian couldn't help smiling the moment he recognized the first song by simply listening to the first chords. Don't Stop Me Now had always had that effect on him to the point that Liam had used it as a resource on several occasions when he had needed to lift Killian’s spirits. The song also seemed to have the same effect on Emma, as her lips curled into a bright smile as she began to hum the song softly.

"What?" she asked when she noticed he was staring at her.

His smile widened before answering. "Nothing, it's just that... I feel aliiive."

He chanted the last words, emulating Freddie's tone and causing, of course, Emma to roll her eyes. Still, a reluctant smile tugged at her lips before she decided to play along, much to his pleasant surprise.

"Let me guess, are you having a good time?"

"Oh yeah, I'm having a ball."

They both looked at each other for a few seconds before bursting out laughing while Freddie's voice accompanied them. It was a delight to see Emma in this way, so carefree, so relaxed, so he tried to make his brain work to continue creating situations like this that would allow her to shine even more than she normally did.

On this occasion, it seemed that he wouldn't have to make any effort because once the laughter subsided, their eyes met again, a mischievous spark crossing her gaze.

"Do you know what would make us have an even better time?" She paused deliberately while arching an eyebrow conspiratorially.

"Enlighten me, love."

"Alcohol."

That's how they ended up sharing shots — rum for him, tequila for her — while they continued to check the repertoire and sing along.

It was obvious that they were, in fact, having a good time. What Killian hadn't anticipated was that the ingested alcohol helped play into a sudden wave of nostalgia hitting him in the most unexpected way.

"I love this song," he commented as they listened to Another One Bites the Dust.

"Really?" she asked skeptically, narrowing her eyes. "It doesn't seem to suit you. I would say it's rather a bad-boy kind of song."

"Are you implying that I'm not a bad boy, Swan? Because maybe you would be surprised to know some aspects of my past." He was aware that it was the alcohol in his system that was speaking for him, making him use a tone that was perhaps too suggestive as he gave Emma a look full of intentions.

He wasn't surprised to see Emma rolling her eyes again before turning a little on the couch to stare at him more closely.  "So you've been a bad boy, Jones? Now I want to hear that story."

His brain had become numb enough to make him not care about the consequences of what was about to happen. After a brief hesitation, he took a new shot to drag down the emotions that struggled to emerge as he remembered his past and started to tell his story.

He told her how after his father's abandonment when he was barely fourteen he had entered a rebel stage, constantly getting into fights, smoking, drinking, and even committing some minor crimes.

He also told her that it was his brother who took him out of that spiral and put him back on the right track but that his good behavior was short-lived, much to Liam's despair.

He didn't even hesitate to tell her about Milah, ignoring how his pulse quickened and his heart hammered in his chest at the mere mention of her name. It was as if he had been accumulating all those emotions inside and finally found a way to release them, so he decided to hold on to that opportunity.

"Milah was my first love. I fell in love with her when I was just twenty years old. She was a few years older and came from a failure of a marriage, so she was looking for adventures and new experiences. It was something that I could offer her at that time although that would mean going back to my old habits. We were behaving as if we had the world at our feet and we could achieve whatever we set out to do."

Before continuing, he cast a sidelong glance at Emma. The expression on her face was indecipherable, but she was watching him closely, so he felt confident enough to keep baring his soul.

"I proposed to her a year later. Although Liam never expressed it openly, he never approved of my relationship with her. Anyway, our relationship was not meant to be since we were only engaged for six months." His voice trailed off while he took another sip of his drink, drowning out the intense emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. 

Emma reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. The corners of his lips moved slightly upward in appreciation before continuing. "She died in a car accident and… well, let's say that my brother acted like my lifeline in those days. His perpetual support was the only thing that kept me afloat. And since we're using nautical metaphors, The Kraken served to anchor me to try to forge a future, at least professionally." He didn't mention that his heart was still healing six years later, but Emma's sympathetic look seemed to indicate that she had caught the hint.

Silence fell on them for a few seconds while he felt the pressure in his chest loosen, as if he had freed himself of a burden after his confession. He expected some kind of words of encouragement from Emma and was even prepared for some expression of pity towards him. What he didn't expect was that she also decided to open her heart.

She seemed hesitant, struggling with herself, until after an almost imperceptible nod of her head, she downed the contents of her glass in one swallow and looked at him, her eyes showing a special glow.

"Well... Since it seems that this is a confession kind of night, here goes mine. I was also a bad girl. I mean, that's how they usually catalog you when you're a foster kid and you don't seem to adapt well to anything or to anyone. In my case, I was determined to live up to that description." She sounded quite restrained, but Killian did not miss the hint of bitterness in her voice. Before he could offer any gesture of support, she continued. "I ran away when I was sixteen and, like you, I got into some trouble. A few months later, I met this guy, Neal, and let's say we didn't use the most legal methods to survive."

Killian already knew from previous conversations that Emma was an orphan. She had also dropped some glimpses into her awful romantic experiences, but always without going into details. Until now.

"I fell for him like an idiot. Maybe that's why it hurt a lot more when he decided to run away and even worse, he got me involved in a crime he had committed years previously." Her voice trailed off as she clenched her jaw and averted her gaze for a moment. He debated whether he should reach for her or not but before he decided, she hardened her features and continued speaking in an unexpressive tone. "I would have ended up in prison had it not been for the fact that I was a minor and my social worker decided to take pity on me. She worked hard until I got included in a program that would help me graduate from high school and prepare me to gain entrance into college."

Only when she paused for another drink did Killian realize that he had been holding his breath. He also noticed that he had his right hand curled into a fist to the point that his knuckles turned white, such was the tension he felt when he heard Emma's story. He was aware that there was still more to come, but at least the worst part seemed to have passed since Emma's expression eased a little, much to his relief.

"And that's where the Arendelle sisters come in. Anna was my roommate during college but Elsa lived relatively close to the campus and we saw her quite often. You already know how Elsa is, always wanting to take care of others. For some reason, she seemed to be fond of me and took me under her wings, involving me in all kinds of activities and inviting me to spend every vacation together with them."

Killian liked Elsa. She was a kind, caring person, who always had a gentle smile or words of encouragement for the people around her. He was aware that the connection between Emma and Elsa was stronger than that with Anna, probably because they were more alike and because Emma saw Elsa as a kind of older sister since Elsa was four years older. He was thankful that chance or fate had put the two sisters in Emma's path, thus giving her the support she deserved after a childhood marked by loneliness.

"Well, that seems like it hasn't changed over time. I mean Elsa and her tendency to take care of the people around her."

"You're right, of course. In fact, during the time I was in New York after finishing college, she called me constantly to make sure I was eating enough." She sounded annoyed but the smile that appeared on her face was full of affection. "Speaking of New York," she paused for a moment, her expression becoming more serious. "We're already reaching the last chapter of Emma's pathetic life." She let out a humorless laugh before continuing. Once again, he was tempted to reach for her and offer her some comfort, but he restrained himself once again to let her resume her story. 

"I went to New York for a job opportunity and I soon met this guy there, Walsh. Everything went well for a few months until the company I worked for went bankrupt and I discovered that Walsh was cheating on me. So I took my belongings and returned to Boston with Elsa with a broken heart and hardly any savings. And you already know the rest."

"Well, I would say that our lives are no longer pathetic, Swan. Look at us, running a successful business and fulfilling our dreams in some way, me with my music and you with your creative magic and your pictures."

"It's not that bad," she admitted reluctantly while her lips twisted up in an attempt at a smile. At least the bitterness seemed to have disappeared from her voice and her features had softened. "Look at us at... " She paused for a moment while she looked around with a confused expression on her face until she spotted her phone and grabbed it, looking at the screen "...at almost two in the morning, listening to our favorite music and a little drunk.  And we don't have to get up early tomorrow, which is pretty fantastic and besides... At least for my part, I have my heart sealed so there is no risk of anyone breaking it again. So everything is fine, isn't it?"

Killian felt his heart drop into his stomach after hearing her last words, but he chose to ignore the feeling of disappointment that threatened to emerge, focusing again on Emma. She looked beautiful with her flushed cheeks and her emerald gaze intensified by her slightly watery eyes. Her innate beauty was undeniable, although he suspected that alcohol — and the moment of confessions — had something to do with those two aspects. Her speech had also become a bit slurred, so, although they hadn't drunk that much, he wondered if it was time to stop. Again, Emma surprised him before he could even open his mouth.

Her gaze shifted back to the phone she was still holding, her brow furrowed in an expression of concentration as she slid her finger across the screen, as if she were looking for something. The living room remained silent for a moment until she got up from the couch and the first notes of a song began to play. A well-known song. Again. 

Don't Stop Me Now. The song that had started this entire cathartic night.

"Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time, I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah and floating around in ecstasy." 

Emma Swan was singing to him with a soft and suggestive voice as she stared at him. Killian remained still, watching her performance with rapt attention as he pressed his lips together to keep his mouth from hanging open. She wasn't an angel anymore, she was a goddess and he was totally at her mercy.

Well, his thoughts might run a little wild due to his state of semi inebriation, but then Emma offered him her brightest smile as she raised her hand holding up her glass and making the gesture of toasting. "Come on, we're having a good time." She hummed again as she grabbed his hand and pulled him up. He had no choice but to oblige, of course.

It was in this way, singing and dancing in unison to the rhythm of the music, when Killian was finally able to admit his true feelings. He was in love with Emma, that incredible woman, who had risen from her ashes and who, despite the darkness she had gone through during her early years, now was able to bring light to the people around her. His heart was finally healing, although it was evident from Emma's words that it would still take her a long time to reach that level, if she ever got it. Still, he set himself a goal, to try to keep Emma in the light and not let anything or anyone ever hurt her again.

"What the hell are you doing? It's two in the bloody morning!" Liam's unexpected angry voice brought him back to reality. He snapped his head in the direction of the voice and found his brother leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest, and a scowling expression on his face.

Although the music was still playing, the two of them suddenly stopped singing as they looked at each other and then at Liam. When he heard a giggle from Emma, he couldn't hold it anymore. A chuckle bubbled in his throat as the two of them looked back at each other and finally burst out laughing.

"Ha, ha. It's not funny, guys," Liam grumbled as the wrinkle in his brow deepened, causing their laughter to grow even more intense.

"Come and join us, Liam." Once the laughter subsided Emma gestured to Liam with her hand while offering him a glass of rum. "We're celebrating."

"Don't be an ass and have some fun even for just one day. Or night," Killian added while smirking at his brother.

"What are we supposed to be celebrating?" Liam ignored him and instead stepped forward and grabbed the phone to stop the music. Next, he focused his gaze on Emma as his features softened. It was obvious that his brother had a soft spot for her, and he didn't really blame him. The funny thing was that he had never felt jealous of his brother because, in his eyes, the relationship between Liam and Emma was rather fraternal, as if she were his little sister, which sounded a bit weird considering his own affections towards her…

Stop. Bloody hell, he was definitely drunk.

"We're celebrating—" Emma stopped for a moment while waving her hand as if she were holding a microphone, "that we're having a good time," she hummed, emulating Freddie's voice.

"So don't stop us now," Killian sang, going along with her.

Liam let out a deep sigh before raising his eyes to the ceiling while hissing, "Dear Lord, give me patience." Then he grabbed the glass Emma was offering him. "Why are we toasting now?"

"To us," Emma responded by raising her glass.

"And because a broken heart means that it still works," Killian ventured to add as he cast a sidelong glance at Emma for her reaction. Her head snapped in his direction as she held his gaze for a moment, her cheeks tinting a soft pink hue. She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything out loud, his brother came forward.

"Did I miss something?" Liam asked, his narrowed eyes flicking from him to Emma.

"Nothing," Emma hurried to answer after throwing Killian one last furtive look. "It's just that your brother seems to become a little sappy when he drinks."

Liam grinned, any trace of his previous anger faded from both his voice and his face when he found his favorite entertainment, messing with Killian. "He definitely can't hold his liquor."

"I'm still here." This time, it was his turn to sound moody. "And I can definitely hold my liquor."

"Whatever you say, little brother. Come on, we're going to toast one last time and then I'm dragging you to bed." Killian rolled his eyes, holding back a harsh retort. He instead focused on Emma again.

"Since it's so late, I guess my old brother would agree with me that you should stay overnight. You know there's room for you, Swan."

In response, Emma raised her glass, her lips curved into a wide smile. "Let's make a toast to us and to the succulent breakfast that Liam is going to prepare for these two poor hangovers."

This wouldn't be the first time Emma stayed for the night and, although Emma wasn't a morning person, it was always a pleasure to see her sleepy face first thing in the morning. While their glasses clinked together he hoped that these special moments would be repeated more often. He was willing to experience this sweet torture as much as possible.

//

Killian - December 2019

Saturday night. The adrenaline rushed through Killian’s veins and his whole body vibrated in anticipation of what was to come that night. He could almost feel the touch of the guitar strings on his fingertips, and how his vocal cords tensed, impatient to begin to work out their magic in the form of a melody.

This state of excitement was not something new to him. On the contrary, it was his usual condition on his concert nights. Everything was possible when he was on stage, he could feel it on every fiber of his being. He felt so alive in those moments, freer to express his feelings through the music. He felt powerful, able to get anything he set out to do. Well, almost everything.

The sounds around him brought him back to reality. He was behind the bar, following his usual routine on concert nights. He forced himself to act that way every Saturday night as a means of distraction, to keep his excitement at bay.

And tonight was not going to be any different. In front of him, two young women waited for their drinks. He offered them his trademark smile, a flash of white teeth and curled lips as he unfolded all his charms over the two customers. They, in turn, gave him bright smiles and suggestive glances, full of promise.

He was fully aware of the effect he had on the female clientele —and also on some male clients of course— but this kind of seduction game was just a part of his job. At the end of the day, he always went home escorted by his two favorite people in this world. His brother and his... well, his friend. For this reason, although his smile was directed at his avid clients, his gaze had only one goal, Emma Swan.

She was stunning that night, slipping through the crowd as she took photos right in front of him, teasing him like a bloody siren. Her choice of attire did not help to calm his agitation, but rather the opposite. She wore a tiny black top and black leather leggings, which, along with the heels she was also wearing, made her legs look slender. Her golden hair was pulled back in a high ponytail, which enhanced her features, making her even more desirable. A bloody siren.

He couldn’t take his gaze away from her. His eyes watched all her movements through the room and she seemed fully aware of his scrutiny. Maybe he was just imagining things, but the truth was that her suggestive movements were driving him crazy, especially when thinking that a little later they would have to share the stage.

His lips curled into a smile at the thought of their next performance together, his mind bringing to his memory the moment he unveiled the mystery and informed her of the song they would sing tonight.

 //

He hoped he had made the right decision. 

After their kind of impromptu and then failed date the night before, Killian was going to meet Emma early at The Kraken to begin rehearsals for their upcoming performance. As he waited, his mind relived, again and again, some of the moments experienced the night before.

Emma had come to the restaurant wearing the same bloody dress from two months ago when they met by chance in that bar. Killian suspected that she was aware of the effect her attire had on him, yet he did his best to hold her gaze and keep his eyes from straying a little lower. ‘Bloody hell’. The sole image of her impressive neckline was enough to make his blood run hot in his veins.

Something different was happening between them. It was such a subtle change that Killian still couldn’t identify its meaning, but from that fateful day that he confessed his feelings about Emma to Liam due in part to Belle's betrayal, it was as if his attraction to Emma had multiplied. He felt freer now that he didn’t have to hide in front of his brother's eyes. The hope that his feelings might be reciprocated became more and more intense, as Emma was closer than ever; more affectionate, more tempting. Maybe it was only a matter of time. Or maybe it was just his imagination and Emma still saw him as just a friend.

The temptation to choose a romantic song as an instrument to express his feelings had been strong. After the experience with ‘Because The Night’, the idea of following the pattern his brother had started was quite attractive. He had even created a list of possible candidate songs. But this time, he couldn’t use his brother as an excuse as to the choice of the song. This time, the weight of the choice fell entirely upon him. Maybe he would be exposing himself too much, risking her picking up the hidden message and pushing herself away, raising her walls again.

No, he couldn’t take the risk, not now that her walls were so low that the line between friendship and something else was so faint. He would choose a fresh, positive theme that would at least allow them to have fun on stage, but that at the same time would have a somewhat deeper meaning which he expected Emma to grasp.

Killian grabbed his guitar and began to play the first notes while clearing his voice and trying to adjust the tone to the song. Just then, the front door of the premises opened with Emma appearing there in all her splendor.

Emma Swan was not a morning person. Killian became aware of that fact shortly after meeting her for the first time. It was a day where they had to take inventory at The Kraken at a time when ‘it should be forbidden to get out of bed’ (her words). Her complaints and sulky expression softened only when she had ingested a sufficient dose of caffeine. This time wasn't going to be any different, of course. Her features were still marked by sleep, her eyes slightly swollen, and her lips pursed in an adorable pout.

She grunted something like "morning," and dropped into one of the bar stools, burying her head in her folded arms on the counter. Killian couldn’t help but smile as he set the guitar on the stage and moved behind the bar. He pulled out the to-go cup of coffee he had previously bought and gave her a gentle squeeze on her arm to get her attention. 

Emma raised her head enough for her eyes to detect the cup. "I'm still blaming you. Coffee is not enough." She pointed at him with an accusatory finger, but grabbed the cup and brought it to her lips, her throat emitting the most delicious sounds as a sign of appreciation for the hot liquid.

A few minutes later, Emma seemed to have recovered enough. A small wrinkle still remained on her forehead but she straightened her back and, at last, she focused her gaze on him.

"I need a reminder. At what point did this one-time thing become something else?" Her tone still had a harsh hue, but though her words were meant to be a reproach, her voice seemed to hide some amusement with the whole situation.

"Since we started using it as a business strategy, maybe? Or because you and I had a good time up there?" he offered, pointing toward the stage. Then he leaned over the counter, invading her personal space. "Or perhaps because it's the perfect excuse to spend time with a devilishly handsome guy?"

Emma rolled her eyes, a faint smile adorning her lips. "We already spend all our time together, I do not need any excuse." The fact that she had not denied the devilishly handsome thing didn’t go unnoticed by him, a wide smirk pulling up the corner of his lips.

"Shall we start the rehearsals now that the caffeine has taken effect?"

Emma let out a puff of air through a loud sigh. "Okay, if it has to be... Can you just tell me which song we are going to sing?"

Killian cleared his throat as he gave her a mischievous look. Then, he just hummed.

“Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time I feel aliiiiive”

Her eyes widened in recognition, a soft blush coloring her cheeks. Good. That was what he intended, for her to grasp the implications of his choice.

"Seriously?"

“And the world I'll turn it inside out - yeah

And floating around in ecstasy”

"You're serious, aren’t you? You want me to sing ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’? Why?" She seemed pleasantly surprised by the choice, but Killian did not miss a hint of disappointment in her voice. He tried not to read too much into it, but still, the idea that she might be somewhat disappointed because she expected a more romantic song caused his stomach to make a small somersault.

Killian stepped out from behind the bar and approached her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he pulled her to her feet. "Because we already have experience singing this song together. Because it brings me good memories. And because we'll have fun."

"We'll have fun," she parroted his last words as she tilted her head slightly, seeking his gaze, her eyebrow raised in question. "There's something else, right?"

Killian wagged his eyebrows at her, schooling his features so as not to betray the delight it meant to him that she knew him so well. "Well, I've prepared a musical base that can fit well with our voices. Besides, there may be another surprise..."

"Like what?"

She was both intrigued and excited; he could tell both from the slightly demanding tone of her voice as well as the intensity of her gaze, so Killian decided to go a little further with the game. "I'm thinking maybe it's a good idea if we leave the surprise for Saturday..."

"Don't you dare, Jones." She cut him off while hitting him in the chest with the palm of her hand. "I won't get on that stage without knowing what I'll find on it."

"Oh, but sometimes facing the unknown can be exciting, Swan."

"Just tell me."

"If the lady insists..." Killian let out a heavy sigh of resignation to give more effect to his confession. "I'm going to play the piano."

Her eyes widened in surprise as she stared at him with a strange expression on her face. "You mean Saturday on stage?"

He nodded his head, holding her gaze. "This song brings me very good memories, although some may be somewhat blurry. You know what I mean..." Before continuing he winked at her to emphasize his words. Her reaction was as expected, she offered him a look of complicity as she bit her lower lip in an adorable and yet so tempting gesture that he had to suppress the sudden urge to kiss her. "What do you say, Swan? Are you willing to create new memories with me and with the help of the piano?

The bright smile that blossomed on her face did nothing to mitigate the desire to finally taste those lips. Her response also did not help in the least, to be honest.

"But no alcohol is allowed before going on stage, okay? I intend to remember every detail of our performance." This time it was she who winked at him before separating from him and heading towards the stage.

He needed a few seconds before reacting, unable to decide if that game of seduction recently initiated by Emma was innocent, hiding a promising meaning or, on the contrary, was just a way to torture him. Oblivious to his inner turmoil, she went up the stage first and held her hand out to him. "Shall we begin then?"

Bloody hell. He was so fucked up.

 //

“Killian! You start in five minutes.”

Liam's voice coming from the other side of the bar brought him back to reality. Killian shook his thoughts away for at least a while, looked in his brother's direction, and nodded his head. 

Killian didn't miss that while serving, Liam was chatting animatedly with Elsa. Fortunately, she had already recovered from her cold, and, in her words, she wouldn't miss their performance for anything in the world. Actually, Killian had begun to suspect — he was totally blaming Emma for this — that her usual presence there lately had another explanation.

Elsa even had come up with a plan for the next day that included the four of them. A soft chuckle escaped from his lips when Killian remembered Emma's reaction to this new plan, looking at him while raising an eyebrow in a barely subtle gesture, as if she were saying, ‘See? I told you so!’

Killian paused for a moment to observe them. Liam and Elsa were totally focused on each other as they chatted as if they were sharing something confidential. Killian wondered if maybe he should ask his brother about this change in attitude towards Elsa. He wasn't quite sure what the most appropriate way to approach the subject would be, given that Liam's relationship history was rather sparse.

He shook his head making a mental note to share the news with Emma later. Now he had to focus on his performance. He went into the office to pick up his guitar and tune the strings before starting. When he came out, he headed toward the stage. The pre-performance adrenaline ran through his veins, his muscles tensed in anticipation.

Emma was already waiting for him in her usual spot, on one side of the stage, a wide smile of encouragement drawn on her face. If things were different, he would kiss her senseless before climbing the stage. For now, though, he could only settle for a tight embrace. Their bodies joined for a few seconds while he buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her intoxicant scent. He had become accustomed to these hugs as a prelude to his performance. It was as if the contact with her body gave him the necessary energy to give the best of himself up on the stage.

Before pulling away, she gave him a soft kiss on his cheek as she lightly squeezed his arm. He, in turn, took two deep breaths and smiled back as he nodded. He was prepared. Emma held up the camera as she told him, "Don't think I’m taking my eyes off you for a second."

"I would despair if you did, love. I'll see you in a while up there." He winked at her before walking to the center of the stage where Liam was already announcing the performance.

As the public began to clap and cheer, Liam stepped aside and patted his shoulder. Killian turned his head, looking for the sound engineer, and nodded subtly. His heart pounded against his rib cage as the music began to play, wrapping the entire room. He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, his gaze sought Emma. 

There she was, in the middle of the crowd, right in front of the stage, camera in hand. She smiled at him as she nodded. 

That was all he needed. 

His fingers slid over the strings of the guitar, creating the first chords as his vocal cords began to vibrate, and from there the magic appeared in the form of a melody.

For the next little while, he devoted himself to the music. He let it flow through his body, as the public accompanied him enthusiastically, chanting the songs, and cheering him on with applause and whistles. 

Despite being focused on music, he kept track of Emma's movements. She, in turn, kept taking pictures of the crowd, but above all, took many more of him. He couldn’t wait to have her by his side. Although he would never acknowledge it, Liam's idea of Emma singing with him had been brilliant, on all levels.

He continued to sing a couple more songs, moving around the stage and encouraging the audience to sing along with him. Tonight there was something in the atmosphere that made him feel more exhilarated than on previous occasions. He let himself go and enjoyed the most of the moment. After one last song in which he gave everything of himself, the moment to share the stage finally came.

The last musical notes still echoed in the room when he grabbed the microphone with both hands and set out to introduce Emma.

"Thank you all, you are the best!" he shrieked, his breathing trying to normalize after the last song. "We still have one last performance as an encore for this special night. I ask for the loudest applause to welcome a great and talented person, a good co-worker, and the best friend that anyone can have. I present to you all, Emma Swan!"

She was ravishing tonight, he thought as he watched her step onto the stage. He was going to have a very hard time concentrating while Emma looked at him in that intense and suggestive way. Her lips curved into a smile he wanted to erase with his own lips on hers. But he was a professional first, so before the music began, he gave her a brief hug as he handed the microphone to her. He could feel she was nervous; this was new to her, after all. In an attempt to reassure her and before he took his place at the piano, he whispered in her ear, "Remember the rehearsals, love. Let yourself go, everything will turn out well." He squeezed her arm slightly, Emma nodding with a small smile. Then he walked over to the piano, trying to pull himself together.

Once more, he closed his eyes for a second, put his hands on the keys and, after two deep breaths, began to sing.

Their performance was everything he had imagined and more. Killian was especially inspired with the piano that night even though he hadn’t played the instrument for some time. That night, though, his fingers slid over the keys as if they had a life of their own. His voice sounded totally tuned, fitting with Emma's to perfection.

Perhaps her presence was what inspired him to give the best of himself. She was a goddess on stage. Maybe it was his partial vision because of his feelings for her, but the truth was that she was a natural up there. Once the initial nerves were over, she got into the performance, encouraging the crowd to sing with them. She jumped around and gestured towards him at times, like during the line ‘give me a call’ in which she simulated she was holding a phone while holding his gaze. He was surprised that he could be so attuned to the music with such distraction in front of him.

When the performance ended, his heart was beating frantically against his chest, his body was sweating but he felt elated, the discharge of adrenaline had had its effect. He couldn’t resist the temptation and pulled Emma towards him, wrapping her in a tight embrace to which she responded with the same enthusiasm, to his satisfaction. After a few seconds, they separated a little, but they held their arms around each other's waists. The public was still roaring and cheering around them, so they thanked them with a bow as they waved their hands.

Before leaving the stage, though, Emma had something prepared. She grabbed the microphone again, addressing the audience, her voice still sounding slightly breathless after her performance.

"Thank you very much to everyone for joining us tonight, and we hope to see you again next week for a new session of 'Saturdays in Concert.' Remember, you can visit our website and leave your comments there. And you can also choose what song you would like us to sing together next time. Thank you!" Emma applauded the audience, getting well deserved new cheers. Killian was impressed with this brilliant woman. She not only was able to shine on top of a stage but had the ability to seize the opportunity to boost their business. His admiration for her grew at times.

The ovation of the crowd accompanied them on their way to the bar, where Liam and Elsa were waiting for them. His heart swelled in his chest as he saw the proud smile his brother was wearing. Liam's approval meant the world to him, after everything he had done for him in recent years.

"Very well done guys," Elsa greeted them with an amused smile. "You two make a great team up there."

"You don’t have to thank me for having this great idea," Liam added, waving his hand in front of them.

Emma snorted at Killian’s side at Liam's words and he was about to reply, but then he realized that Elsa had looked away as her lips curled into a thinly concealed smile. He followed her gaze, seeing that what Elsa was watching was his hand and Emma's, which had remained entwined since they left the stage.

That didn’t seem to matter to Emma since she made no attempt to free her hand, so he ventured, giving her a slight squeeze, while his thumb brushed her palm. Far from pushing him away, she turned her gaze to him, her lips drawing a small smile, matching his own. He then looked at his brother, who was giving him a penetrating look that contained a special glow. He could also notice that Liam nodded almost imperceptibly. It was as if he were telling him, without needing to express it aloud, that he was following the right path on his journey to win Emma's heart.

//

Two hours later, all the customers had left The Kraken with the exception of Elsa, who had even helped them clean up after closing. Ruby and Robin had also left the premises, so there were only the four of them left, a picture that was becoming quite common lately, something that he didn't mind at all.

They were now sitting at the bar sharing shots to celebrate another successful night. It was nice to share these moments of camaraderie with the most important people in his life. The addition of Elsa to the small group was an incentive, as it had been like a breath of fresh air, giving them the opportunity to carry on new experiences.

And that was what they were talking about at that moment, about the new idea Elsa had suggested as a plan to hang out together. The idea of going ice-skating at an outdoor artificial ice rink that was open during the winter hadn’t seemed too attractive at first. Killian had barely skated previously and felt a bit clumsy in that aspect. But little by little, he began to see the advantages of the plan. Since both he and Emma seemed to have the same level of clumsiness, perhaps they would have to hold on to each other to avoid falling to the ground. 

Yes, it was definitely not a bad idea. Not at all.

"I'm not sure I like that plan." Emma, sitting next to him, didn’t seem so convinced. "I mean, it's freezing outside, and I don't want to fall on the ice. Just thinking about it makes me shiver." She groaned as she crossed her arms and rubbed them with both her hands as if she wanted to warm herself up. Her lips pursed into a pout that was meant to show annoyance, but which Killian found adorable.

"Oh, come on, Emma, we'll have a good time. Don't be afraid of falling. Besides, exercise will make you warm up quicker," Elsa encouraged her.

"Well, guys, I don't know about you, but I'm starving. What do you say if we close and go to the restaurant next door? You're coming with us, aren't you, Elsa?" Killian raised an eyebrow at hearing his brother refer to Elsa directly. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but all this looked promising.

That's how they ended up at a twenty-four-hour restaurant eating pizza at two in the morning. They chose a booth away from the entrance, with Elsa and Liam sitting together on one side, while Emma and Killian were on the other side. Sleep seemed to have abandoned them all despite the hour, no one was in a hurry to go to bed. Instead, they chatted nonchalantly about any subject that went through their heads, making the half-empty premises fill with their voices and laughter.

At some point, Killian put his arm around Emma's shoulders as she placed her hand on his thigh, close to his knee. It was an innocent gesture, just a display of affection between two close friends. He was aware, though, that the image they gave to the rest of the people was quite different. Anyone who saw them that way would think of them as a couple. But as long as he could maintain that confidence and closeness with Emma, he couldn’t care less what people might think about it.

What he had with Emma now was so precious that he wasn't going to risk losing it by acting hastily. He had the impression that Emma might feel more for him than a simple friendship, especially if he compared it to her relationship with Liam, the other person closest to her. However, her fear of ending with a broken heart again kept her paralyzed. 

He just had to be patient and show her again and again that he wasn't going anywhere. And these new opportunities offered by both his brother and Elsa were bringing them closer. For that reason, the plan to go skating was so attractive. It was the perfect excuse to maintain the physical contact between them, something to which he found more and more difficult to resist himself.

Perhaps if he added an incentive to the experience, it would improve even more. The corners of his lips rose slightly as an idea settled on his head. "What do you think, guys, if we make a bet?"

The three of them looked at Killian with the same expression of confusion on their faces. Once he got their attention, he continued.

"The first to fall to the ground tomorrow will have to pay for a round of drinks for the others."

The first to react was Elsa, who smirked while rubbing her hands together. "I like that idea. I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to get free drinks tomorrow."

Liam, though, didn’t seem so convinced. "We aren't especially skilled in this matter. I don’t get the point. It's very likely that the first thing that happens as soon as any of us step on the ice is that we fall."

"You know I like a challenge, brother. What do you say, Swan? Are you aiming to get this idiot to buy us some drinks?" As he spoke, he held his arm even more tightly around her shoulders, drawing her closer to him.

"Yeah, we're gonna beat you, Liam."

"Hey, that's not fair. This is supposed to be an individual competition and you two have already allied against me," Liam grumbled, frowning as he pointed to both of them.

"Don’t complain, you have an expert to help you stand up. You're going to help my clumsy brother, aren't you, Elsa?" Killian cocked his head slightly, his teasing words disguised in an innocent tone.

Elsa's cheeks flushed furiously, raising Killian's suspicions that something between them could come up. He would be glad if that happened. Liam had been so focused on taking care of him in the first place and then running the business and trying to keep it afloat that he had barely had time for himself. Elsa was perfect for him, sweet and calm but with great determination. Maybe Emma was right and they just needed a little push…

Liam's sigh brought him back to reality. He seemed to have resigned himself because then he held up his beer. "Okay, do we have a deal?"

Everyone toasted as a way to close the deal. The friendly talk still went on for a while. Killian hoped the next day's plan would bring them at least as good a time as they had experienced today.

//

It was a cold, Sunday afternoon. Killian adjusted the beanie he wore to protect himself from the cold and rubbed his hands together in an attempt to warm himself. He could feel his fingers were almost frozen despite the protection of his gloves. The idea of ice-skating was no longer so appealing to him, especially as the cold filtered through his bones as he waited for the lasses. They were late.

"There they are, at last." His brother gave Killian a nudge to catch his attention as he pointed to them.

Bloody hell. Emma was impressive on that Sunday afternoon. She wore a beanie, her golden hair falling in curls and framing her features. Her cheeks had a rosy hue, her bright eyes and her gleaming smile were enough to warm both his body and his heart.

The two brothers greeted the two friends with kisses on their cheeks. After a brief chat, they all approached the skating rink and slipped on their skates. The moment his feet came into contact with the ground, he had to cling to the railing to avoid falling. Bloody hell, this was going to be more complicated than it seemed at first. How on earth would he stand on only two blades on that slippery rink?

Killian looked around; both Liam and Emma had the same problem keeping their balance. Emma's expression even showed a little panic. Fortunately, Elsa soon came to their rescue. Since she was the expert on the subject, she stood before them, prepared to give them a little lesson. Elsa taught them the basic motions, showing infinite patience to their endless questions and reassuring all their fears. Killian listened attentively, feeling somehow like one of the children Elsa taught to skate. He was willing to absorb everything she could offer him if that would help him stay up long enough not to be the first to fall.

"Okay guys, so far we’ve only done the theory. Now let's start practicing slowly. You two look at our movements," Elsa said to the two brothers. Though her words held their usual soft tone, she imprinted a touch of firmness in her voice. "Emma, come with me."

"What? Why me?" Emma cringed a bit at his side, her panicked expression became more evident.

"Come on, don’t be afraid. I won’t let you down." Elsa's soft, reassuring voice seemed to have an effect on Emma. When Elsa held out her hand to her, she seemed hesitant at first, but then grabbed her friend's hand firmly.

That's my girl, he thought with pride. The two women moved in front of them, Emma emulating Elsa's movements as she tried to keep her balance. The addition of Emma to this kind of masterclass was an incentive, no doubt, since it was the perfect excuse for him to observe her carefully. Once Elsa made sure that the three of them had assimilated the basics it was time to move to the next level. She offered Emma her hand again. "Now let's skate a bit through the skating rink. Slowly, just so you can gain confidence, okay?"

Emma nodded hesitantly but gripped Elsa's hand firmly. Both began to move away with slow movements at first, Elsa holding Emma's hand as she did her best to move without falling.

Slowly, Emma was gaining confidence in her movements, adding a little more speed as she slid down the rink. Killian couldn’t take his eyes off her, following her every move. He felt bewitched by her rosy cheeks just as much from the exercise as from the cold of their surroundings; by her hair dancing in the wind as she moved. And by her smile, hesitant at first, but that was widening as her confidence increased. She was a goddess and she seemed to perform a show just for him. 

At least it was what he deduced when he realized that Emma took any opportunity to look for his eyes, her gaze so intense that it could take his breath away.

"Close your mouth little brother." His brother's voice filled with amusement brought him out of his reverie.

He finally turned his gaze from Emma and fixed it on Liam as he mumbled. "I don’t know about you, but I'm trying to learn not to be the first to fall. The bet is still up, older brother." His lips curled into a smirk as his eyebrow rose defiantly.

Liam snorted at his side but didn’t reply to him. They both continued to stare at the ladies in silence. A few minutes later, the two lasses skated in their direction, both of them clearly excited as they approached.

Maybe it was the speed or maybe Emma still didn’t have complete control on the skates at all. Regardless, the truth was that she rushed directly at him with so much momentum that Killian had to hold onto her with one hand and cling to the railing with the other to avoid both of them ending up on the ground.

"Easy, Swan. You don’t want us to lose the bloody bet before we start playing."

"Whoa, it's been incredible." Emma made no attempt to move away from him, to Killian's satisfaction. It was a delight to see her with that level of emotion, vibrating in his arms.

"Okay, next level." After catching her breath, Elsa continued. "Since Emma is no longer a beginner, I'm going to take Liam now, while you, Killian, let Emma guide you. Remember, guys, it's important to keep the balance point; don't lean your weight on the other person, use your joined hands as support to keep your balance. And don't be afraid, let yourself go and have fun!”

Killian had to admit that he had some respect for the ice. He had always preferred water in its liquid state and found it much less dangerous to sail in a rough sea than to slip on the damn slippery ice. But he liked a challenge. He had set a clear goal, that he and Emma would stand for longer than Liam. And, if to beat his brother he had to skate, so be it.

"What do you say, love? Do we show these two what we can do together?" As he spoke, he offered her his hand and she took it with determination and a smile drawn on her face.

"Sure, let's go."

Emma grabbed his hand and they began to move, moving away from the safety offered by the railing. It was much more difficult than he imagined; he had to make great efforts to avoid falling to the ground. Still, having Emma by his side was an incentive as she managed to convey the confidence he needed to keep moving.

They began to move faster, the grip on the ice felt firmer, and Emma's support helped keep his balance. Once overcoming his initial fears, Killian found himself enjoying the experience more than he imagined at first.

The initial cold he felt was gone. The mixture of exercise and seeing Emma with that carefree, happy expression as she gripped his hand while occasionally smirking confidently, was enough to warm him.

Killian looked for his brother and found him a few steps ahead of them as he tried, and almost failed, to keep his balance. Despite Elsa's help, Liam didn’t seem to be having a particularly good time. He moved his free hand up and down, unable to control his body on the skates. Killian's lips curled into a smirk. It was only a matter of time before Liam fell to the ice.

After a few minutes, the self-confidence he felt was such that he dared to let go of Emma for a few seconds. She wanted to take a picture —how not?—, so she let go of his hand while looking for her phone and skated away a few steps to get a better angle. After taking a couple of photos, she came up to him again, with somewhat hesitant movements as Killian reached out and pulled her to him. He held her in his arms as they regained their balance. When they found their stability again, Emma held up her phone to take a couple of selfies of the two of them together, immortalizing the great moment they were experiencing.

"It's my turn now, Swan. Hold on there for a moment." Killian felt the need to take a picture of Emma to capture the joy they both were feeling. He skated slowly, moving away from her, took his phone out of his pocket, and took a few photos, capturing the image of Emma all excited, vibrant, and joyful.

Just as he began to approach her again, something happened that froze his heart and paralyzed him completely. Killian watched in horror as a damn reckless guy swooped past Emma at full speed, causing her to fall to the ground, her head and shoulder slamming into the icy surface.

"Emma!" A gasp escaped his throat as he staggered, suddenly feeling the damn skates as an obstacle to reaching her. When he finally got to where Emma lay on the ground, Killian knelt, his gaze traveling frantically over her face to determine her condition. "Emma, love, are you alright?" He didn’t bother to hide the worry in his voice. It was at that moment that he discovered she was bleeding through an open wound just above her left eyebrow.

Emma looked confused, but fortunately, she hadn’t lost consciousness. She tried to sit up, but a wince of pain crossed her face as she reached for her left arm. "Shit, my shoulder hurts like hell."

"Do you think you can get up, love? You're going to get frozen on that bloody ice." Killian realized that it was hard for Emma to fix her gaze, so his worry grew, his heart caught in his throat.

Liam and Elsa arrived at that moment, Elsa kneeling at his side with concern marked on her face. "What happened?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued. "We have to get her out of here, her clothes are soaking from the ice. Liam, can you help us?"

When Killian looked up at his brother, his gaze met the damn asshole that had caused the problem. He was a little away talking to a group of people, totally oblivious to what he himself had caused, laughing and having a good time. The sight of the unconcerned dude in contrast to Emma's pitiful situation was too much for him.

A sudden rage seized Killian, clouding his reason. "I'm going to kill that asshole," he mumbled as he sat up abruptly, arms on both sides of his body, his hands curled into fists and his jaw clenched. He felt an urgent need to discharge all of his fury and worry in the form of a punch to the face of that guy with the aim of erasing his stupid grin.

Just as he was moving toward the guy, something slowed him. His brother seemed to see his intentions, because he reached him in an instant, his firm grip on his arm preventing his advance and causing him to turn. "Hey, Killian, look at me."

Killian forced himself to take two deep breaths, trying to calm his inner rage. Reluctant at first, he finally looked at his brother. When Liam seemed sure of getting his attention, he began to speak in a slow voice. "Believe me, brother, I'm the first one who wants to go for the guy who's harmed Emma, but we have a priority. She needs you now."

The mere mention of Emma’s name was all he needed to come to reason again. He took a deep breath once more, trying to slow his racing heart, letting his fury fade away. Killian nodded then and knelt, taking his previous place beside Emma.

He searched her gaze for any hint of her condition. She looked back at him, but her eyes had lost all of their previous vivacity. "Emma, let's get you up. Do you think you can walk?" She nodded in silence, the corner of her lip raised slightly in an attempt of a tiny smile.

Killian's heart broke when he saw her in that state. A few minutes earlier she was full of life and now she was barely able to stay conscious. It was as if the fall had drained all her energy. Although his inner rage still persisted, he tried to put all his efforts into ensuring her well-being.

They managed to get her off the rink and reached a nearby bench. Emma had started to shiver, so he didn’t hesitate and took off his coat, something that took longer than desired since his trembling fingers refused to cooperate. He then put it over her shoulders while rubbing her arms in an attempt to warm her up.

Elsa was trying to plug the wound over her eyebrow, but this one was still bleeding and from the grimace on Emma's face it looked like her shoulder was still aching. They had to take her to the hospital.

He searched her gaze again. "Emma, love, we're going to take you to the ER, so they can check your shoulder and head, okay?"

She nodded again and finally spoke, her voice coming out as barely a murmur through a small smile. "It seems that I lost the challenge and it’s my turn to buy you all a round of drinks."

A wave of affection swept over Killian, along with an almost irrepressible desire to take her in his arms. He felt unable to hide his feelings and at that moment, he couldn't care less.

//

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think :)

What to expect in the next chapter? Just a reminder, this is not an angsty story... We'll know the consequences of Emma's accident and we'll also have the opportunity to learn a little more about both Liam and Elsa's backstory.