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elysiumarchieve · 1 year

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i have no idea where this came from but have some angst i came up with while going through my spotify playlist

warnings: angst, you die like EVERY TIME and he's partially to blame, i don't even have a title for this, this doesn't even make sense, reincarnation?? atleast you return like 3 times in his life to bother him😭😭😭, corny ass shit, no proofread, gn! reader

"i love you so-" "please let me go.."

✧ the eccentric wanderer, who'd cry after your death and hold onto your cold hand for days before he's finally able to move away. by now, your body had even become to stiff to move and you no longer possessed the same kind look in your eyes, only eyes devoid of any joy you once felt

✧ the eccentric wanderer, despite believing you betrayed him just like everyone else, is unable to forget you and your presence, his tears falling and his sobs filling the empty void in his heart as he holds you, unable to understand why you'd also leave him like this

✧ the eccentric wanderer who, despite trying to scrub off all human emotion would still try to replicate the warmth when you hugged him so tenderly, the gentleness of your touch still lingering on his skin, painfully reminding of every day since you left him behind

✧ the eccentric wanderer who'd stand next to your grave (one he dug himself) and look down on it with a conflicted look on his face, eyes devoid of the joy he once experienced by your side, the straw hat pulled deeply into his face to obscure his own face and shut his eyes from reality

"i love you so, please let me-" "go."

✧ kunikuzushi, who had no room in his heart to love anymore and pushed you away from him, afraid of being hurt again by the very mortals he now learnt to despise

✧ kunikuzushi, who learnt that human emotions were fatal and lead to nothing but pain, thus casting you aside and threatening to hurt you if you dared approach him even more

✧ kunikuzushi, who wants to laugh at your pathetic attempts to try and heal him, claiming that he had never met anyone as naive as you before, but still allowed you to stand just meters away from him, but only disregards you with a huff

✧ kunikuzushi who doesn't even feel content with himself once you finally stopped breathing and writhing as he snuffed out the light in your eyes. he thought that ending you before he could attached would keep him from feeling this pain, but why does his chest ache even more now?

"i love you." "so?" "please let me-" "go."

✧ the balladeer who treats you like garbage, uncaring of your personal feelings and orders you around brutally, mocking you along the way and looking down on you

✧ the balladeer who, despite your resemblance to someone in his memories, doesn't allow you any closer to him than necessary, regardless of rank and status - he doesn't need allies nor people who tend to him

✧ the balladeer, who'd laugh at your attempts to understand him and call you worthless - unknownst to the fact that he's trying to keep his own 'heart' safe from the agony of losing you again

✧ the balladeer, who eventually lost sight of you after he scared you off for long enough, but happens to be in an even worse mood now that you're gone. none of these people around him were competent enough, unlike you

"i love you so."

✧ the wanderer who returns to you with a heavy heart, standing beside your grave and finally tending to it the way he should've done centuries ago (all while complaining about how laborious you are even years after your passing)

✧ the wanderer who, despite his shitty attitude towards the people around him, wants to believe that you're proud of him, that you've been watching him and giving him subtle signs that you were still there with him even through all the atrocities he has committed

✧ the wanderer who can't find the proper words to talk to you for the final time and instead just shakes his head, claiming that he doesn't understand you - seeing you again in his each step in life truly showed him at how much you sucked to let him go, either

✧ the wanderer who is not the curious and gentle eccentric he had been once, but stays with you for the night, silently offering you his utmost gratitude that he is unable to voice out and instead tells you about the vision he received - the first thing to actually belong to him

taglist!

@scara-lovebot @irethepotato @aqoalawera @otterlyinluv @maaarshieee @yournightmare-1987 @achlysyo @vincanzu @emocka @techynical @greensheepishnerd @yahoomika @glazemeda @0rah-s @jasmyluv @endlessmari @primojade @sayooooo @herdrops

if you want to get added to my tag list, feel free to interact with this post!

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin #kunikuzushi #headcanons #wanderer #scaramouche #scaramouche x reader #what is this #self indulgent shit #no because i had this in my head and idc how bad it is i had to write it down #enjoy my suffering

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monsterohnenamen · 7 months

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sugar-splenda · 2 years

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Do you like poetry? Are you gonna read us a good one?

#cadet taylor #Lifeline game #sugar draws #Lmao I know the helmet is off for this but #shhhh #I was listening to heatwaves on repeat for this #enjoy my suffering

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obsidiannn · 1 year

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My group in English was talking about things we’ve heard ab catcher and the rye since we’re reading it this year,

AND I FUCKING SAID

“I heard people have 3 moods when reading this book, they hate it and HATE the main character, they LOVE it and relate to main character or they kill John Lennon.”

BUT THEY DIDNT KNOW AB THE JOHN LENNON PART SO I HAD TO AWKWARDLY EXPLAIN THE CONNECTION 😭

#catcher in the rye #j.d. salinger #holden caulfield #john lennon #the beatles #i’m an idiot #just felt like sharing #enjoy my suffering

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hopefulfuturenovelauthor · 1 year

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Which is better

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lightvixxen · 1 year

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Sobbing, crying, throwing up i wanna sleep but i have a FUCKING HEADACHE AND AAAAA

Pretty sure its a migraine too…y a y

#vixenspeaks #enjoy my suffering #its 12am #i just wanna sleep #please #i feel like im fucking 60 #NOT EVEN TAKING MY GLASSES OFF HELP #it came on so suddenly…and i wanna die

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askcommondream · 10 months

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Do you have a brother?

#askcommondream #ask blog #answered asks #undertale ask blog #undertale #Common!Dream AU #undertale au #utmv au #This took forever to draw ghfjgfh #not to mention I accidentally deleted it halfway through and had to start over #enjoy my suffering #-Switch

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dvesinthewind · 2 years

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Dear April | Lexi Howard & Rue Bennett (Character Study)

synopsis: Because growing up is hard, and as innocence withers away with age we face the repercussions. Sometimes it's okay to remember where you came from even if it hurts to remember life isn't the same anymore. WC 1.7K

a/n: watched waves and couldn't resist. a character analysis of this beautiful and raw friendship. enjoy.

warnings: spoilers in general, angst af, addiction, substance abuse, struggling with grasping adulthood, sister troubles, loneliness, heartbreak, lexi can't let go of the past, sandbox friends trope

A yellow hue filters itself through the blinds on a warm summer night. The street lamps tend to do this, falsely advertising what appears to be an early morning. The ceiling fan rattles with little dismay, sitting almost precisely between the two sections of the shared bedroom. It remains at the highest speed-- per Cassie's request, and Lexi shutters underneath her covers like she would if it were mid-January on the upper east coast. It isn't the cold that abruptly awakes her, she isn't sure what does, but as her eyes peer open an unsettling feeling erupts in her stomach and grows more severe as time passes. The room is dark save for the light coming from those damned street lights, and Cassie's unbothered, restful figure lays peacefully underneath a fur blanket.

Lexi's mind lingers off to Rue like it normally does at this time of night, or really at any time if she's honest. She wonders if she's high off of weed or some crazy psychedelic. She wonders where she got it from; off the street or if Fezco provided it to her. That was something she never understood but regardless minded her business. Maybe Rue was fast asleep dreaming of sobriety, an alternate life, a path she could have chosen to take. Lexi clenches her eyes shut, and pushes the Bennett girl as far as she can to the back of her mind.

When Rue first started using drugs--or at least when Lexi initially knew of it, it was too much for her adolescent brain to handle. She acted cool in front of Rue, but as soon as she was settled at home she recalled a moment of weakness; teary-eyed and wobbly lips, crying on the carpet as Cassie stared blankly at her younger sister. Cassie couldn't possibly understand, Rue wasn't her best friend, but it weighed so heavily on Lexi's chest she turned to the first person she hoped would listen. Cassie rubbed Lexi's back, at loss for words, but advised Lexi there was nothing she could do. An ache struck in the younger Howard's heart, leaving it her turn to stare at her sister blankly.

As weeks grew into months, Rue's under-eyes sunk in like dark quicksand and drew serious attention to what used to be natural beauty. It wasn't that Rue Bennett wasn't beautiful anymore-- to claim such a thing would be absurd, but something was noticeably different. She fell asleep during class with her long brown curls draping over the desk like curtains. The locks swayed with every dormant movement as if the window was latched open, and a warm breeze was responsible, but it was anything but. Lexi could find beauty in anything-- even the commencement of a tragic time in her life. The Rue Bennett that was snoring lightly in that chemistry class just a few feet from Lexi, was the same Rue Bennett she used to eat ice cream with on gas station rooftops. It had to have been. How much time had passed? The naivety in the youngest Howard sibling couldn't anticipate drugs changing her best friend that much. Was it solely drugs, or the inevitability of growing up that caused a diversion in the friendship? Younger Lexi would obliviously not choose both.

After Rue had only come to Lexi for a urine sample, Lexi had reluctantly accepted defeat. Rue was a ghost of who she used to be, and Lexi mourned her excessively as if she were really dead. Lexi had mentally prepared herself for the moment the phone would ring with Rue's mom on the other end, attempting to relay the message of a successful overdose. The death of the eldest Bennett sister could not catch her off guard. She wouldn't let it.

Naturally, Lexi considered herself to not become a cynic, but a realist. She learned from observation, from watching other people make tremendous mistakes she couldn't fathom the very idea of-- a very symptom of taking on an adult role at such a young age. The truth was that she was hurting. She was tired of living in her sister's shadow, tired of watching Rue kill herself, and tired of feeling like she had no one to turn to. Watching everyone else seemingly lose control over themselves made Lexi clasp onto responsibility as if she were clutching a seatbelt before a crash. Lexi had a life to live, a bright future if she could help it, she wouldn't let herself lose control even if it were just briefly.

She doesn't see Rue much anymore. They seldom pass each other in the hallways at school, their lives running parallel and diverging separately at a crossroad. It reminds Lexi of that Robert Frost poem, and she hopes to tell that to Rue one day. She knew Rue would likely look at Lexi puzzled, and Lexi would take her time trying to explain it. She would choose her words carefully making them as descriptive as possible, and the Bennett girl would stare off into the distance, still listening. Or at least that's how she imagined it in her head anyway.

Lexi misses Rue in a type of yearning she'd never wish upon anyone. She continues to mourn, mourn, mourn until it feels almost natural. Until she's almost convinced Rue is actually gone even when her slender figure can be seen lethargically stalking the halls.

This is around the time Lexi begins writing her play. She titles it "Our Life", and shoves all of the important events of her own and her friends' lives into a singular night. She writes with a heavy heart and a quick hand and pours her entirety into the script, and doesn't tell a soul outside of Fezco about it.

She thinks about Rue's life, her battle with addiction, and the fact that her story had never been told from someone like Lexi's perspective. Lexi wanted to preserve every aspect of Rue, before and after she became addicted to drugs. Despite how hard she tried, Lexi refused to bury the memory of who Rue used to be by paving it over with who Rue became. It was impossible to forget the times they spent on the gas station rooftops, the sleepovers that lasted weeks at a time-- essentially a sandbox friendship Lexi would unwillingly move on from.

The night of the play rolls around and Lexi is hit with a wave of nerves. She fears her friends' reactions--the very reactions that are justified judging by what Lexi was about to do--unknowingly to all of them to be exact.

Rue sits in the all-but empty crowd with healthy skin and a recently sober body. Her skin is glowing underneath the auditorium lighting and her hair is pulled back away from her face. It presents an innocence that Lexi embraces warmly. She isn't sure how long the sobriety will last, but she hopes Rue will nourish it, water it, and coddle it as if it were a precious life-- because to Lexi, it was.

The only face I know in the crowd.

"What batters you becomes your strength," Lexi reads loudly to the entirety of her crowd, voice unwavering. "Move back and forth into the change. What is it like, such intensity of pain?" She glances at the actual Rue when she recites this, Rue's focus providing Lexi with the strength she needed to continue. "If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine."

When Lexi isn't on stage she reflects just as she normally does. She isn't so cynical, she appreciates the friendship she once had. She appreciates Rue for somewhat sticking around. She appreciates who, or whatever for gifting Rue sobriety, for giving her another chance.

And our two strange lives it made us new, it took us through, it woke us up.

Lexi peers around the curtain when she's sure no one is watching, they're all too submersed in the mess she's created-- the art she's perfected so carefully. She watched the crinkling in everyone's eyes, she listened to the laughter ripple off of the auditorium walls, and she still could care less about any of their reactions. Lexi could disregard the fact that she was receiving appraisal from anyone, but not Rue. Rue's feelings mattered the most that night. The youngest Howard wanted to thank her for making her the woman she was becoming.

Just like you woke me up, you made me new, you took me through.

Her play almost gets ruined by the same person that's always managed to ruin everything. But Lexi doesn't allow her to, she won't let Cassie take this away from her. Not tonight, not when she had a story to tell.

The play finishes off exactly how she wanted it to. Her and Rue, rekindling, making amends, attempting to fix what's been broken. Lexi allows genuine tears to stream down her face, and she pretends Rue's lookalike is actually Rue, the one she constantly thinks about. She didn't lie when telling Fezco the play was about friendship, but perhaps that wasn't the entire truth. Our Life depicted Lexi's heartbreak over learning through observation, over observing the deterioration of her childhood best friend's livelihood. It regretfully reminded of the difficulty of facing adulthood as a young adult and sometimes acknowledging the inevitability of life's particular events that sometimes leave a bitter taste in one's mouth.

Lexi doesn't anticipate Rue's reaction to be negative, in fact, the complete opposite based off of the script she had written for the play. She believes they might have more in common now that they're damaged, than before when they were protected by the safety net of adolescence and naivety. She desires Rue to be the one who takes something from all of this, to start giving things a reason rather than suspecting they just happen for one. To adapt to each of life's seasons, swim with the tide, and sometimes sit idly by as you lose grasp and unavoidably outgrow innocence is all Lexi hoped to eventually master and hoped the same for Rue too-- even if that meant separately.

"I missed you," Lexi states, in the very last line of the play. Several months of perfected writing summarized down to just a few hours and a roller coaster of emotions.

What we had won't be the same now, but you will make something new and it'll take you through this.

#this is pure self indulgence like all of my writings because a childhood friendship of mine just ended #enjoy my suffering #lexi howard #rue bennett #euphoria character analysis #euphoria fanfiction #lexi howard imagine #rue bennett imagine #euphoria #lexi howard character analysis #euphoria character study #lexi howard x rue bennett

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acciotherapists · 1 year

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Ok, I need someone to explain this... I had a dream that I was pregnant and their were complications with the pregnancy. I'm awake and I find myself grieving for a child that was never truly mine.

Someone explain this bs because the human brain is annoying.

#weird dreams #someone explain #I'm a 20 year old college student #with no desire to have a baby #why tf #would I dream this #send help #enjoy my brainrot #enjoy my suffering

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in-death-we-fall · 1 year

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I'm still getting pringles ads 🤦‍♂️

#enjoy my suffering

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monsterohnenamen · 8 months

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Enjoy my suffering

#darkness #heartbreak #i miss her #sad thoughts #suffering #painful #pain #selfie #my inner demons #enjoy my suffering #depression #borderline #bpd

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theawkwardkind · 2 years

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Just thinking about when I first got Snapchat at someone posted a snap saying “blank shared a snap” and I thought it was a direct message so I spent a whole day responding directly to everyone’s snap.

#embarrasment #stupid #funny #funny fails #fucking idiot #why the fuck would you do this #who in their right mind #embarrassing moment #for your entertainment #enjoy my suffering

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inkskinned · 11 months

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the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post.#writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers.#at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going.#when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like.#it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases -#at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory.#it was what i had seen.#and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol'#so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID.#he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

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