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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 3 years

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Looking for a Place to Happen

Warnings: non-consent sex and rape (series), age gap, general stupidity.

This is dark!biker!Sam Wilson x reader and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Series Synopsis: There’s lots happening in Birch and you find it all too amusing.

Sister series to Smalltown Bringdown, When the Weight Comes Down, Little Bones, and Fully Completely

Note: We’re starting Sam’s installment but this weekend I’ll probably only be catching up on my headcanons and drabbles because I’ve been a lazy bitch and I’m sorry to those who have been waiting.

Thanks to everyone for their patience and feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Chapter 1: I've got a job, I explore

💀💀💀

The sleepy town of Birch was awake.

In those last weeks, the arrival of outsiders had roused the attention of many once passive residents of the timeless territory. Those brick buildings unchanged by the tick of the clock inlaid into the old tower above the library that chimed every hour on the hour. They still stood with only chips in the mortar but the air tasted different. The frost was more bitter and the sky more grim. An omen of something no one could predict.

It was the perfect setting for a screenplay. The isolated town with its unsavoury secrets and the visitors who threatened to bring them to the surface. It was inspiring to you, to imagine what was hidden behind the stern wrinkled faces of the town elders and under the jackets of those men who wore the cut of the local club. The bikers ruled the town covertly but everyone knew that Bucky Barnes’ palm was lined with the map of Birch.

As a bystander, an unnoticed observer, just another ant in the hill, you watched from the side and amused yourself with the drama of others. It was like a soap opera or another HBO hype machine. Those things you aspired to when you could be free of this ho-hum town.

The snows added to the natural gloom of the place. The deep heaps smothered the noise and harkened back to those days of colonial settlement. Forgotten, desolate, fearful.

You ventured down in your heavy boots that stretched to your knees and pushed your chin down into your scarf. As a child, you ran and jumped in those piles, now you were out of breath just trying to walk past them.

You stopped in the bakery that doubled as the only café, a place where the owner, Babs, tried to to intimidate the last caffeinated trends. She was always a few seasons behind but you didn’t mind so much.

You ordered the salted caramel mocha and waited patiently as the quiet woman fought with the steaming machines. She was older than you but you’d work with her for one summer during high school, only five years ago. She had the eyes of a child still, but there was something worn in her. As if she’d been exposed to far too much in her three or so decades in that place. She was a harbinger of what you didn’t want to become.

You thanked her for your drink and set out once more into the billowing winds. Birch winters were never kind but this one was crueler than most. Your teeth chattered as you blew the steam away from the lid and hugged it with your mittened hands.

You stopped short as you heard the familiar ding of the diner door across the street. You recognised the mechanic who kept to herself and once growled at you in the grocery store. She stormed across the street, followed closely and quickly by a black-haired man you’d only seen once before. He was one of those outsiders who came to deal with the club men.

You sped up as you sensed chaos brewing and pulled out your phone as you balanced your paper cup in your other hand. You flicked your camera on just as you got to the front of the shop and the man grabbed the mechanic. You let out an ‘oop’ as she turned on him and you aimed the lens at the couple as they fell into the snow, the man’s shoes giving little traction to his steps.

You moved closer, stunned by the scene, and kept your cell phone rolling as you found a better angle around the snowy walks. As she choked him on the ground he elbowed her and she coughed as she rolled away. She snarled as he clamoured to his feet, slipping and sliding as he marched away.

You killed the recording and watched the man cross the street again, nearly wiping out as he did and when you looked back to the mechanic, she was gone behind the clattering door. You chuckled to yourself and tucked away your cell. It was prime footage for TikTok; with a bit of editing, it would be comedy gold.

💀

You stomped up the steps of your grandmother’s house, this time through the front door as you heard her chair rocking in the front room. You usually took the stairs in the back as you paid her to live on the upper floor of the duplex. You checked in with her daily, she didn’t get out much more than the occasional trip to the grocery store when you couldn’t or you dragged her out to join you for a tea at Babs’.

“You’re late,” she grumbled as you set your cup down and unzipped your coat.

“For what?” you scoffed.

“It’s after noon and you don’t even come down to say hello? A ‘good morning, nan’,” she harrumphed.

You chuckled and hung your coat before shoving your boots over on the mat. You grabbed your mocha and leaned on the doorway as you watched her crocheting in her chair, reruns of some court show playing from the boxy television.

“I was working,” you said, “sent in some stuff for review. Hopefully not much work to be done.”

“I don’t know how you make money on that interweb,” she bemoaned, “I don’t trust it.”

“Maybe you’d trust it more if you used the Netflix subscription I got you,” you crossed your arms, “then you wouldn’t have to watch trash daytime TV.”

She shrugged and muttered under her breath. She could be crotchety but you liked her sense of humour. Your aunts and uncles never came around because they just took it as spite. You were the only one who knew how to handle the jaded old lady.

“Maybe you coulda looked out the window,” you snickered, “quite a show going on in town.”

“Hmm, what’s that?” she stilled her needles and reached for her tea stained cup.

“Just a fight. You wouldn’t believe it, that lady mechanic beat the shit--”

“Language,” she huffed.

“Anyway, she had this guy in a chokehold. It was awesome.”

“What guy?” she squinted at you over her glasses.

“I dunno. Some out of towner. Remember I told you about that burly dude hanging around the library?”

“There’s more?” she sucked on her teeth, “those bikers have never been good news and now they’re bringing in more.”

“Yeah, well, what’re you gonna do?” you sniffed as you took out your phone and rewatched the scuffle with the volume down. You shook your head and opened up your TikTok.

“I don’t understand why you’re always on your dang phone,” your grandmother pestered.

“I’m not always on my phone,” you smiled at her smugly, “there are those time when I’m listening to you prattle on or you know, making you tea, oh, and cooking you dinner. What was it I did last week? Oh that’s right, I got Pippin out of the crawlspace.”

“I’m too old to be chasin’ that cat all around,” she huffed, “where is he anyway?”

“He’s your cat, I don’t know? Last time I saw him, I sent him back out the window for shredding my charger.”

“He knows you need to give it a rest,” she laughed to herself, “got your nose to that screen too much.”

“And what do you do, old lady? Crocheting doilies to put where exactly?”

She gave you that dry smile, the one that said watch it but carried a hint of humour still. You hit post and put your phone away as you waved off her irritation.

“Well, you know what, I sit all day at my computer, doing who knows what and you know what it got me?” you taunted, “a large mocha!” you sipped as you sat on the sofa and grabbed the remote, “and it’s paying my rent and putting bullet points on my resume.”

“Mhmm,” she scowled, “just remember, real life ain’t online. Those videos you’re always laughing at like hyena, that’s not reality. You forget it and it’ll come back and bit you. ‘Specially with those bikers.”

“Oh, nan, you know too well, don’t you? Didn’t you have a fling with one back in your hippie phase?”

“Two, actually,” she raised her brows, “I was young and stupid. Not like you, but still.”

“I love you too,” you chirped and sipped from your cup, flicking the station to Jerry Springer, “that’s more like it.”

💀

Your usual TikToks were sarcastic and dull complaints about your small town life. The response was less than pleasing but it gave you an outlet to vent. You liked to goof around and document the very specific type of weirdos that resided in Birch. But the video of the fight in the snow blew up your phone and made it difficult to ignore the buzzing as you went back up to your room to eke out the last of your captions for the ad agency.

When at last you could call your day hard-earned, you logged off and sent in your hours to the agency. Social media promotion was easy enough but the working gigs for a thousand different companies was tedious. You hoped you could build your portfolio enough to manage a single corporate page as you continued to chip away at your creative outlets.

You picked up your phone as you waited for Netflix to load on your tiny smart tv and flopped onto your bed, not two feet from your desk. You hit the icon in the upper panel of your phone and scrolled through the notifications, pausing to turn on another episode of the cable sitcom from ten years before. You snorted as you read each comment but the number under the video made your eyes round. The thing was bound to go viral.

As usual, you went down to help with supper. Pippin, the orange tabby, returned to cry at his dish and you fed him too. Your nan peered through her glasses at a crossword as she tasted the tangy pasta sauce.

“More basil,” she snipped.

“Well, I asked if you wanted to help,” you muttered, “I think it’s good.”

“Hmmp, I need milk,” she jutted her chin out, “for my after-dinner tea.”

“You couldn’t say something like three hours ago?” you blinked.

“I could have but I didn’t,” she snickered. You rolled your eyes and she took another forkful of penne and filled in another line on her puzzle, “ah, no hurry, girlie, you know I’m patient.”

“Patient? You?” you chuckled as you took your plate and shoved it in the microwave to keep it warm. The ancient thing had a dial and the door stuck, “I’ll just go get it over with.”

“Don’t forget your mitts,” she called after you as you tramped into the front room, “it’s cold.”

You pulled on your knitted cap and matching mitts. You zipped up your parka and shoved your feet into the deep boots. You grabbed your wallet and buried it in the spacious pocket. You bounced out the front door and down the steps as the sky sent down another coat of powder for the night.

You went up White Forge Street and through the short path behind the diner that led to the main road. You glanced over at The Asp, the beacon of the dull town, and turned towards the grocer. Like anywhere in Birch, the store was outdated and stuffy. It felt like stepping into another time with the paper bags and chunky tills.

You went down the center aisle and stopped at the fridge to search through the frosted glass. Your nan only drank whole milk and the last time you carelessly grabbed skim, she whined that even Pippin wouldn’t drink it. She was particular but that was just her nature. You couldn’t say you were any less fussy in some instances.

You grabbed a jug and the door slapped closed against the worn rubber seal. You headed up the candy aisle and brushed your woolly thumb over your chin as you considered gummy bears or Reeses’ Pieces.

“Hard choice?” The deep voice jolted you.

You snatched the box of chocolate and looked over at the man in leather, his chin tucked down behind the collar as snow dusted his shoulders.

“Sure,” you said as you brushed past him.

The cut of the leather told you he was better not entertained. While you thought the men amusing, you weren’t stupid enough to engage with them. You rarely listened to your grandmother but she was wise in her own way.

You knew a girl in highschool, she was fucking around with one of the club men in her junior year, she ended up with a baby and no support. You didn’t think he was into you that way but he could hardly have innocent intentions.

“How’s the old lady?” Clayton asked as he rung in your order at the end of the belt, you moved along with the groceries and pulled out your wallet.

“The usual, you know? She’s tryna quit again. Don’t know how long it’ll last.”

“Oh yeah? I’ll keep a carton aside for her,” he kidded as you felt your phone vibing in your back pocket.

“Don’t encourage her,” you swiped your card and punched in your pin, “although I don’t know what’s worse; the smoke or her sucking on those mints all the time.”

“Oh, it’s not the bitchin’?” he laughed.

“That, too,” you scooped up the paper bag and put your wallet away, “have a good one.”

As you came to the end of the first counter, you were nearly cut off by the club member as he swept around from till two. His own purchase of a car magazine and jerky was tucked under his arm.

“Ah, sorry,” he smiled, a sparkling smile, almost charming.

“No worries,” you continued on and he followed close behind.

“Those mitts look real warm. ‘Specially in this weather,” he said as you pushed open the door.

“Uh huh,” you kept on as your boots crunched out into the snow.

“You know where I can get a pair. Leather isn’t exactly thermal, you know?”

“These? My nan made ‘em. I’m sure Clayton got some hung up back there,” you looked across the street as you stepped up onto the ledge of snow between the sidewalk and the road.

“Am I bothering you?” he asked.

You looked at him dumbly and almost laughed in his face. You glanced back across the street then down towards The Asp.

“Sorta,” you answered.

“Make you a deal. Leave ya alone for your name.”

You eyed him. He was older than you like many of the Commandos. At least a decade, likely more than that. You chewed on your hesitation and cradled the bag more firmly against your side. His eyes strayed as he tried to see through the thick layer of your coat.

“Nah, I’m not s’posed to talk to strangers,” you said and hopped off onto the road.

You heard him behind you as he struggled to follow and as you came up to the other side, he came parallel with you and kept stride with you easily.

“I know you’re young but you’re not a kid,” he intoned, “what’s the harm in a name?”

“It’s a small town,” you stopped short of the end of White Forge, “I think I know enough about you to avoid you.”

“Oh ho, is that it? Well, I’m Sam, I’m not a stranger now, am I?”

“Not interested, Sam. Sure there’s women your own age over at the bar,” you nodded behind him.

“You wanna come see? Maybe have a drink?” he gave a crooked grin.

“You don’t give up, do you?” you shook your head, put off by his forwardness.

“Well?”

“Not tonight, Sam,” you turned around and headed down White Forge.

“Then what night?” he asked but you didn’t answer and he didn’t follow.

You turned down onto your street and refused to look back in case. It would be best not to mention the run-in to your nan, she was paranoid enough as it was. Besides, you’d forget about it by the end of next week.

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everyhowlmarksthedead · 4 years

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❛ F*CKING HIGH ❜

with Neron ‘Creeper’ Vargas.

Request: Hey! Maybe prompt 52. When Creeper get shot and Mayans don't know reader but when hé was high on medication he call her at Vicky's House ? 🙈Something really Fluff ? Thanks!! I love ur writings 😊😊

BY ANON

Warnings: none.

Word count: 1.6k

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: to the author, I found it on Google.

Masterlist.

The books over the table with a lot of notes scattered around them are starting to give you a horrible headache. You don't know how many hours you have been studying, but you're sure that it was daytime. When you focus your gaze on the horizon, through the window, you're aware of the streetlights turned on outside and the dark sky above Santo Padre. It's your final week to complete the MIR and you have left just one exam. The last one. So, when Creeper told you he was going to travel to Las Vegas for a couple days, you have to recognize that you felt a little alleviated. You want to spend the maximum time possible with him, but you also have to study, but both things aren't compatible. Even so, he should be at home already.

Checking the time on the clock in your wrist, you snort getting up from your chair to pick up the books and your pens. It's enough study for today and you're really hungry. After cleaning the table, you fall down on the sofa turning on the TV and looking in your phone for something to take away. Cooking it's not an option today. Choosing the local pizzeria for excellence, you're about to make the order when an incoming call interrupts your plans. Reading his name on the screen, you answer quickly.

“Babe!”

“Maaaaamaaaa”. He sings, making you frown somewhat confused sitting on the sofa. “Heeeeey, maaaamaaaa”.

“Are you… high, Neron?”

“Yeah… Fuckin' high… for you, my loooove”.

“What the hell? Where the fuck are you?”

“Mama, I want you here. I need you here, maaaama!”

“Ner—”.

“I am… close”.

“Close from what?”

“Border, mama. Close to the border. Come with meeee. I need my nurse, mama, pleaaase”.

“Are you okay? What happened?” Your heart is racing, jumping off from the sofa, running to your shared room.

“A guy shot me, mama. But don' worre', I'm okaaaay”.

“Neron, send me your location right now!”

“Mama, mama, mama, are you comen'?”

“FUCK, NERON, OF COURSE I'M COMING. SEND ME THE FUCKING LOCATION”.

“Don'... Don' shout at me, mama”.

From nowhere, you can hear him crying like a child. Even if he's high, that shit breaks your heart into pieces. Stopping next to your bed rubbing your forehead, barely gulping, you try to calm yourself.

“Are you alone?”

“N—No…”

“The bul—”.

“It's out, mama… I wan—want you here with me. I'm okay, mama, I'm okay… Come with me. Don'... leave me, don' break with me, mama, please”.

“Send me your location, okay? Could you do that for me?”

“Yeah, mama… Are you comen'?”

“Sí, Neron, I'm gonna get dressed, okay?”

“Okay, mama… I love you. I love you, mama. I truly love you, I swear”.

“I know, mi flaquito”.

Hanging up the call, you take some second to breathe calmly before looking for some clothes to put on and grabbing the medical kit when you're ready. They better have something to eat, or there will be more than one man shot. Leaving your house, your phone rings with a notification. The address of Vicki's house. You have heard about it, and you're not surprised at all. According to your boyfriend, this is the favorite place of Mayans. You don't know them, not yet, but you can imagine why they like it this much. Keeping the kit on the back seat, you step in your car turning the engine to follow the instructions recited by the gps.

When it says that you have reached your destiny, you focus through the Camaro's front window to find the house, looking exactly as he described you one day. Going out of the pilot seat and carrying the medical stuff in your right hand, you go upstairs practically jumping them to hit the door with your palm. A girl with brown hair, big eyes and almost naked welcomes you, pushing her by a side before she can talk.

“Hey, hey! Wait! You ca—”.

Coming into the living room, you finally meet his other family. They were drinking and laughing until you appeared, now staring at you confused. The one who you recognize as El Presidente gets up from his chair, the other two are pointing at you with their guns, warned by the bitch behind you.

“I'm from Tijuana, you can't scare me con una pistolita”. (With a gun). You spit with a strong mexican accent, containing a sarcastic laugh.

“Who are y—”.

“MAAAMI, MAAAAMIIIIIIII”.

Hearing your boyfriend calling you, you don't give them a single chance to let you introduce yourself, running upstairs following the laments of Creeper between moans and pleased begs. Disgusting. Opening the last green red door, you finally reach him. The medical kit falls from your hand shocked. Taking a step, you tour his silhouette lying on the mattress. Being shirtless you can see the bandage covering the bullet hole, with some blood trespassing the cotton, and the sling holding the other. His face isn't much better, with some scratches on his left cheek and his temple. The most disturbing is watching him crying like a scared child, trembling and trying to sit up on the bed.

Before the other mexicans can reach you, you're already kneeling on the bed not knowing where you're allowed to touch him and where not.

“Mami, I missed you”.

“You're an idiot, you know it, rai'?” You ask him with your eyes filled with tears, gently caressing the other cheek, while he nods.

Leaning forward you kiss his shaky lips once and again, before feeling his right arm surrounding your waist.

“Let me see the shot, okay?” Whispering, you get up from the bed to take the medical kit, under the look of the men waiting on the door.

“The doctor put it out, disinfected the wound and stitched it up”. El Presidente says, making you frown your eyebrows.

“The doctor, or the vet?”

“Wha—”.

“Answer before I fucking punch you”.

“The vet”.

Of course, it's not the same. Even the medicines that give you in the MIR are stronger than the ones for a veterinarian. Opening the kit over the bed and wearing a pair of blue gloves, you lean on Creeper to take off the bandage and the gauze, narrowing your eyes to see every stitch on it. It's… acceptable, but you could have done it better. Wetting some cotton with iodine, you clean the blood around the suture with soft moves to not hurt him more. Your boyfriend is assorted on how concentrate you look taking care of him.

“Do you know what you are doing, niña?” The oldest one rests his body against the frame.

“'Amma real doctor, not a veterinarian”. You respond without turning at him, but at your kit to find clean gauzes and an adhesive bandage to cover the sewn hole again. “What happened with the other, Neron?”

“Dislocated”. He just says gulping with parted lips.

“What did they gave you for the pain?”

“Just some pills, mami…”

“How many hours ago?”

“Almost ten”. El Presidente replies in his place, making you twist towards him.

“Okay, Creep', I'm going to prick you some morphine”. He just nods.

Grabbing a needle wrapped on a security plastic, you open it to fill it up with the transparent liquid from a small glass bottle. Hitting it softly with two fingers and letting some of the medicine spill on air, you lead the needle to his bare skin over the wound. Nailing it slowly until the metallic part has disappeared inside it. Then, you push the plastic container until empty. Taking off the needle and keeping it again inside its paper, to throw it later, you close the medical kit.

“You need to rest, okay?”

“Mami, stay with me, please… Don' go”. He begs you crying low and holding your hand as strong as he can.

“You need to rest”. You repeat raising both eyebrows and nodding with your chin one time, caressing his grip with your fingers. “I will talk with your friends for a moment. Ain't going anywhere, mi flaquito. Not without you”.

“I love you, mama. I really do”.

“I love you too, Creep'”. Smirking at your boyfriend, you kiss him again having a little more of caring to not hurt him. “Sleep, flaquito”.

Placing the medical kit over a desk, you leave him closing the door, killing with your eyes the men in front of you.

“I'm hungry, so you better find me some dinner”.

“First, tell us who you are, because he's high enough to confuse himself and believe that he's the fucking Messiah”.

“I'm his girlfriend, pendejo. And you're gonna be a dead man if you don't bring me my fucking dinner”.

El Presidente chuckles rubbing his chin, before nodding, seeing you disappear through the opened door again. Coming back to the bed, you can notice that your boyfriend isn't crying anymore, smiling like an idiot. Sighing you lie down by his side, wrapping his body with both arms, letting him find a comfortable posture under them. You can feel his lips kissing your right forearm somewhat sleepy, purring like a cat. Definitely, he's too high.

“Mami, I love you…” He whispers when you begin to caress his neck with your fingertips. “You are the love of my life…”

“Yeah, you already said it… like a lot of times”. You laugh softly, turning towards you with a soft grimace of pain on his face.

“Love you it's my favorite thing”. He mumbles stunned because of the smile on your lips.

“Mine too, babe. I love you more than anything”.

✨ Tag list:

@starrynite7114 @chibsytelford @dazzledamazon @mara-mpou @sammskellington @gemini0410 @1-800-imagines @briana-mishell24 @sassymox @aquamento @sadeyesgf @viviansafizada @samcrobae @jade770 @witchy-wish @rebel-without-cause-x @xx--day-dreamer--xx @spiced-reads @tita127 @ifoundmyhappythought @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @angelxshiba @destynelseclipsa @sheeshgivemeabreak @abbiesthings @knowles-morgan @lady-pswrld @minnicelli @marquelapage @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @jadesamhart @mycupoffanfiction @claytoncardenasbabymama @thesandbeneathmytoes @phoenixhalliwell @thewarriorprincessxo @sugary-x-sweet @multiyfandomgirl40 @imanerdychubbyqueen

If you want to be tagged, send me a message!

#mayans mc x reader #mayans mc #mayans mc imagine #mayans x reader #neron creeper vargas x reader #creeper vargas x reader #creeper vargas

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mittensmorgul · 4 years

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The Tumblr Beta Version: an objective analysis

I was tempted to just type “it sucks.” And while that is an objective analysis, it’s not exactly helpful. I’ve sent several requests to @staff and @support to restore my account to the old tumblr dashboard format, and received the same automated reply twice now. I’ll copy/paste it here so everyone is on the same page:

(lol, I had to go back and edit this, because apparently the beta version doesn’t display block quotes on the dash. So I’ve also put the block quotes in italics... hopefully it’ll display properly... note after editing: nope, it doesn’t display italics either... how the heck am I supposed to differentiate quoted text? I’ll start each quoted bit with an asterisk, I guess...)

*Thanks for reaching out about the beta dashboard.

*We're currently testing it out, and your account seems to have been selected to take part in the test. Thanks for your patience while we work on it! At this time there is not a way to opt out of testing. You may see your Tumblr experience return to normal as we continue testing.

WE CAN ONLY HOPE.

*In the meantime, check out some of the new features available only in the beta dashboard:

OKAY TUMBLR, IF YOU INSIST, though I would MUCH rather have back all the functionality I personally invested into this website through xkit... you know... making the site ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL. Let’s see what this beta version has given me instead of functionality:

*Change Palettes: Go to the person icon, then click "Change Palette." You'll find the classic Tumblr blue, dark mode, and a few other color palettes for your dash.

So I tried out all the color palettes. In addition to the ones mentioned here, there’s one that’s trying to look like a green screen terminal that gives me flashbacks to the early 80′s. There’s a reason we stopped using green screen terminals... Another one is “canary yellow.” It’s very yellow. The “classic tumblr” isn’t actually classic tumblr... all the post boxes are dark blue with grey type, not white with black type. And all the other colors are the insanely bright fluorescent of the new Dark Blue standard tumblr scheme. Which means links are practically invisible unless I highlight them. It’s migraine inducing. The one theme with a light colored background is called “Concrete” or “Cement” or something like that and even that only works for about half an hour before the migraine aura really kicks in. I just want my Old Blue via xkit back. You know, what tumblr actually used to look like. I don’t want any of these horrible color palettes. None of them work for me.

*The new "meatballs" menu: This is where you can copy the post link, unfollow the Tumblr who made or reblogged the post, or report a violation to our Community Guidelines.

I could do all of this from the user menus with xkit, too. I don’t regularly report violations or have the urge to block people I have chosen to follow. Why on earth would I want to do any of this? And why would I want these features located directly beside the post link copy feature?

You know what I do miss? I miss the xkit timestamps feature. I didn’t have to hover dangerously close to the KILL IT WITH FIRE meatballs menu in order to see when a post was made, and in this era of disinformation and misinformation spreading around this site faster than Covid-19, being able to see when a post was ORIGINALLY created is a far more useful feature than an easier way to block people. For reference: I currently have three blogs blocked. Two of them are pornbots. One is a nazi. If I don’t want someone’s content on my dash, I don’t follow them. This “feature” is entirely useless to me.

*A quick note: Pagination is not supported in this beta test, but we're collecting feedback to send to our engineers.

THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. This beta test might actually be tolerable if I wasn’t trapped into endless scrolling. If I could page through my dash, refreshing it every ten posts or so. You know why? Because once I scroll about 30 posts down my dash, tumblr starts overheating my laptop under the load of ALL THOSE POSTS. Things start malfunctioning-- it takes longer and longer to load new posts the farther I scroll. And the keyboard navigation (both page down and hitting J to advance to the next post, and even just using the down arrow to scroll as I read a long post) freeze and stop functioning. One of my laptop fans has actually begun to malfunction.

You know why this wasn’t a problem on the old version? If the data load got to heavy, I could open a post in a new tab, click view on dash with xkit, and voila! Brand new tab! I could close the malfunctioning tab and everything would be refreshed to normal! But without pagination, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Also, after reblogging a few posts, the beta version of this site breaks, and doesn’t open a post tab to add commentary or even tags. It just... reblogs the untagged post with no warning whatsoever. You know... that’s really really not cool. I tag EVERYTHING. Well, almost everything. The tags are the only way to keep track of the 40k+ posts on my blog. And warn people that I am posting potential spoilers, or other specific content. It’s REALLY inconvenient to have to either immediately go to my blog to edit the post and add tags, or even comments. The alternative is to scroll up to open individual posts I want to reblog in a new tab, and then reblog directly there. Ironically enough, THOSE pages actually open with xkit installed, and everything (surprise!) functions perfectly there.

It’s perfectly reasonable to understand why this specific issue has limited the number of posts I reblog. Reblogging content should not be this much of a hassle. Creators have been complaining for a while that reblogs have drastically slowed down, and I think making it even more annoying and difficult to reblog posts will not help this problem.

Also, with xkit enabled, there’s a function that auto-loads images as you scroll, so the images are always visible BEFORE they appear on screen. I don’t have to look at the colored boxes and wonder if this is a post I’ve already seen or something I should sit and wait for. Don’t even think about watching tumblr videos. Loading priority is given to the ads that you cannot pause or dismiss, so that video loads and plays in choppy two second bursts instead of being given priority. Since that’s the content I am actually here to consume, it kinda makes me want to do the opposite of patronizing anyone who advertises here with graphically intense ads. And then when you scroll away, with xkit, gifs and videos you’ve scrolled past STOP loading and playing, which I think might be contributing to the intensity of the resource hogging that’s literally melting down my laptop.

And for reference, I have a pretty decent little gaming laptop. A blogging platform shouldn’t be driving it to the brink of frying itself. I didn’t realize just how much xkit worked to streamline this and provide basic functionality to this site.

*And lastly, if you're an XKit user, know that the XKit team is working hard to update things on their end to make it compatible with the beta dashboard.

And this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what I’ve lost without xkit. And this is a really REALLY garbage response to user complaints. “Oh, yeah, sorry we made our site suck even worse, but those nice people who do our jobs for free will surely fix our garbage soon!”

Dear wonderful people at @new-xkit-extension, I love you, and I miss you, and while I wish xkit worked with this beta version I’ve been forced into living with, I truly feel for y’all who are trying to deal with this nonsense on behalf of all of us.

And to the folks at Tumblr... maybe try to just... make your site actually more like xkit. You know, actually functional. None of these special new features are useful or functional to me. I respectfully request for a fourth time to be removed from this inane beta test.

Give us OPTIONS. Let us display ALL THE TAGS without having to click a button. Let me have back my Activity+ that actually allowed me to interact with people from my dash! That showed me real-time inline notifications in a way that I could reply to with a single click! Bring me back to my column of open messaging conversation icons so I have easy access to the people I talk with throughout the day instead of closing them all every time I refresh the page. I already feel socially isolated in freaking quarantine, please stop shutting off all my avenues of communication!

Let us have pagination! I mean, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to force heavy users of this site into a beta version that doesn’t allow us to opt out until your engineers had actually figured out how to make it work in a very basic way.

*Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with!

YES. PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM THIS BETA TEST NOW. I have let you know exactly what I want from this site. I just want it to ACTUALLY WORK. For someone who spends 12+ hours a day on this site, this beta test version is NONFUNCTIONAL. PLEASE ALLOW ME TO OPT OUT. I AM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU. I WILL ACTUALLY PAY YOU CASH MONEY TO ALLOW ME TO OPT OUT OF THIS AND GO BACK TO HAVING A FUNCTIONAL BLOG AGAIN. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

PLEASE!

I AM OFFICIALLY AT THE END OF MY PATIENCE FOR ENDURING THIS NIGHTMARE.

(one final quick note... I’ve only been back on my dash long enough to make the parenthetical edits-- i.e. adding italics that don’t display and then adding the asterisks at the beginning of each section of quoted text, and already my laptop is overheating again. For reference, I originally typed this entire post from within my tumblr inbox page-- which still functions normally with xkit-- and spent over an hour on it. My laptop was fine the entire time. Clearly the issue is this beta version of the website. I will never forgive tumblr if y’all fry my literal only portal to the outside world at this time. PUT ME BACK TO NORMAL NOW. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING AND ENTIRELY UNACCEPTABLE. Thanks)

(oops apparently i lied... when the asterisks and the previous final note failed to display, I thought that seemed suspicious, and realized that I literally needed to refresh my entire dash in order to see edited changes. Funny how xkit enabled me to do that in real time, which is just another bit of functionality I’ve lost with this beta program. Please guys, this is really, really not working for me at all, just put it back.)

#tumblr problems #staff #support #xkit #was this good enough for you? because I am totally done with this if that wasn't completely obvious #please end my suffering

129 notes · View notes

renlimotroll · 3 years

Text

Death by a Thousand Cuts

Pairing: Mintosu × Siruko (side), one-sided Limone-sensei x Siruko (main)

Summary: It's not the butterflies that tell Sensei that he's in love. It was the death by a thousand cuts.

Tags: angst, heavy angst!!!, endgame MinSiru wedding, long fic, unrequited love

Warning: BL, Cursing, Imagination, but I like to keep my characterization 80% canon.

Ren's notes:

Before you read this, I want to say that this is Sensei’s POV, so the MinSiru moments will come across as sad and painful. I love Siruko-san, Mintosu-san and Limone-Sensei equally, and this is only just a story, okay? Please come into the story with an open mind and finish it with no attachments. Also, ready your heart.

I woke up at 3am and started writing this because all my best thoughts come at 3am. I was supposed to write cutesy, romantic Christmas stories, but when inspiration hits, it hits. This story is 100% MinSiru because no matter how pseudo-canon LimoSiru is, it's not what people want (wow, bitter Ren is bitter).

This story might be controversial, so I spent a week debating whether to publish it or not, but after all the hard work and me trying to be poetic, it would be a waste to keep it in my folders.

I'd like to thank Taylor Swift for possessing me with her poetic ghost. I listened to "The Moment I Knew", a song about her bf not coming to her birthday party, and was filled with so much angst because it hit home too much.

Please enjoy and don't blame me for your holiday blues!!

This story didn't have a happy ending.

Because the moment Limone-sensei realized he had fallen in love, he knew he was screwed big time. And it won't end well for him.

But that was okay, because all he wanted was for this person's happiness. This person deserved it more than anyone else in the world, and Limone-sensei will do everything in his power to make sure he gets it.

He being Siruko-san.

He didn’t like them, at first. Limone was a possessive, jealous friend, and when he learned Hana-chan met new gaming friends, his first instinct was to shoot them. But how could anyone not love Siruko-san? He had a beautiful soul, a kindness rare to the human race. Siruko-san was the kind of person who could bring a group of people of different personalities together and make them all get along well. It was really easy to fall for someone like him, and no matter how hard Sensei tried not to, it just happened.

After that, it was death by a thousand cuts.

The first cut came out when they were shooting a video. He always looked forward to the four of them shooting, because that meant he could see Siruko-san. But something about the Bintroll leader was off, had been off for days actually. Sensei knew because Sensei watches all his live streams when he can, and he was observant. It made Sensei’s heart weak, but because they weren't that close and they didn't have the same level of friendship Siruko had with Mintosu-san, Sensei couldn't just LINE him and say, "Hey, is something wrong with you?" But something happens with the Minecraft trap he was making for Hana-chan, and his first thought was, I can use this as an excuse. So he calls Siruko-san and all is saved, and after that they start to communicate more, outside the games they play for Hana-chan's channel.

Sensei's plan to get closer to Siruko-san fails, because the more time he spends chatting with him, the more he gets to know Siruko-san, the more he falls in love. They text almost everyday; they VC on nights they both couldn't sleep, on days something good happens and they both wanted someone to share it with. And then Sensei realizes something that'll break his heart forever.

One day, after Hana-chan wrapped up the first Atsumori video of them, and Sensei and Siruko moved to private messaging on Discord and continue to chat and talk like they always do after each shoot (sometimes about editing and most times about nothing), Sensei thought it was time.

"Siruko-san."

"Hm?" The purple head answered absent-mindedly. Because they're on a video call, like they've done most times now actually, Sensei could see his beautiful purple eyes fixed on something in his monitor. He's reading the comments on the latest Bintroll video, and Sensei always finds it endearing that he's always liking all the comments. Sensei does read his comments too, but he thinks it's too troublesome to like all of it. It's just not his style.

Sensei decided it's now-or-never. "You like Mintosu-san, don't you?"

Siruko stopped scrolling, eyes shifting to the webcam. Sensei kept a straight face, fakes being detached and indifferent to the reply, but it's something he already knew. He's seen it in the way Siruko-san almost always talks about Mintosu-san when they voice call, in the way that he's always so soft and patient for Mintosu-san. Sensei saw Siruko scrambling for an answer in a panic and took that as a confirmation, even as Siruko-san started to deny it.

"W-what's gotten into you Sense--? O-of course not!! I-what made you say that? Mouuu, is this a prank?? Stop joking with me Sense-- hidoi yo!"

Sensei rolled his eyes for effect, but his chest is heavy with something he can't explain. "You're a fucking idiot. Just spit it out, okay? I know it. Don’t make a fool of me."

"I really dont!" Siruko vehemently opposed it. A moment later, he gave up and sighed in defeat, because Sensei always saw right through him. "I-is it obvious?"

Very, Sensei thought, but instead he went with, "I don't think Mintosu-san knows. That guy is as dense as the air itself."

They fell into silence, and Limone-sensei was very sure right now that Siruko was thinking of the green robot. His heart told him, “No, don't say it, don't do it Limone!!”, but since when has he listened to his heart? So he said to Siruko-san, "You should confess."

"E-EHHHH?!?!"

"Tell him what you feel, Siruko-san."

"I-uhhh… Minben-san is not…. And I c-can't… uuummmmm…."

"Oh for fucks sake! Stop being a fucking coward, okay? If Mintosu-san accepts your feelings, then good. If he rejects you, then you'll learn how to move on. But I won't let you just keep this to yourself." Limone face-palmed himself internally, thinking hard about how he’s such a fucking liar and a hypocrite. The wide, scared puppy eyes Siruko-san is showing melted his heart. It's his weakness. But Sensei never gave in to any of his weaknesses. "I've watched all your videos and we've been friends for a long enough time for me to be sure that you love him, Siruko-san."

"But… but what if Minben-san..." Siruko whispered with this lost, desperate voice, and Sensei gritted his teeth to keep himself from falling apart. He had to do the right thing, even if it meant ruining himself.

"You'll never know if you never try. That's why you need to do something about this, instead of carrying it in your heart all the time. At the very least, it'll give you answers." Siruko looked so unsure, and Sensei knew he's thinking that Minben-san will never like him, that he's thinking bad thoughts about himself, and Sensei won't let Siruko belittle himself again. "Stop overthinking this! It's all in your mind. I said it, didn't I? You'll never know if you never try. Don't make me call Mintosu-san myself and tell him your feelings."

"A-ah!! Okay okay!! I'll… think about it?"

"Fine. I guess that's good enough."

Siruko smiled that sweet, precious smile of his, and usually it warmed Sensei's heart, but today it brought a thousand cuts. "Thank you Sensei."

"Whatever. Now hurry up and finish liking those comments so we can go to sleep."

"But you can sleep! I told you you didn't have to stay up for me!"

"And since when have I ever listened to you?"

"All the time." Siruko muttered, but Sensei heard it, so he faked being insulted with a "HA?!?!" and Siruko laughed (and Sensei loved that laugh), "Nothing, nothing!! Of course you'll do what you want, Sensei, you're badass like that."

"Damn right."

And a week later, Siruko texted him "Sensei, I did it!! Minben-san is my boyfriend now aaaaa!! Thanks so much Senseiiii!! (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄"

And Sensei replied "Good for you. Congrats." then went back to bed. Stared at the ceiling for long goddamn hours. He tweeted to his followers that he didn’t feel good so no video today, and turned off his phone.

And it felt like there was a big black hole in his chest. He didn’t get up to eat, he just stared at the ceiling, hating himself for being such a goddamn coward. He finally knew what it felt to be pierced through the chest like those characters in DbD, only his bleeding wasn’t physical, just metaphorical. The pain was real though. So real it cut him open and every breath was hard to get.

The next day, he moved on. Or at least, he pretended he did. One day of moping was enough. He replied "I'm fine" to everyone who texted him even when he's not. He had to be fine.

It's just death by a thousand cuts after all.

The next time it happened, Sensei had just finished playing a horror game and he felt accomplished. He was about to reward himself with a cookie even though he doesn't really like sweets, when the notification sound for a video call rings. He answered it automatically and he's greeted by a crying mess, and his heart dropped in response.

"Siruko-san?"

He didn't get an answer. Limone tried to make him calm down and breathe, and thankfully Siruko-san listened to him. The poor guy hiccuped and sniffed, and Sensei was already plotting Mintosu's death. He'll make it look like an accident too. One can’t play video games in prison after all.

"*sniff*... we had.. a fight, tente-… He got angry coz he said I was smothering him. I swear I didn't mean to nag, Sensei! I was just worried coz you know!..... Minben-san doesn't keep normal sleeping hours… well, I don't too so I don’t have the right.. but I was just worried, Chenche-!!"

Sensei pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. Okay, so maybe he won't kill Mintosu, but he deserves a punch. Maybe two. In times like this Limone wished he could run to Tochigi and comfort Siruko in person. He'd been there once for a business-related meeting, and instead of staying in a hotel, Siruko offered their home. It was a nice trip, and he got to meet Siruko's lovely folks and brother. It made him guilty but also fulfilled for some reason, that he was able to stay in Siruko's house and spend time with him. It was something his internet relationship with Mintosu hasn't had yet at that time.

Forcing himself back to the present, Limone took off his glasses and wiped it with his shirt. Ever since he urged Siruko-san to confess, he became somewhat a confidante to their relationship. Siruko would sometimes share the good stuff but also vent out his frustrations. The positive point of this is that Sensei got to talk to Siruko-san, but it low-key stings as well.

"Siruko-san. You know what you were getting into when you started this relationship. Heck, you know Mintosu-san so well, so you should have known that he loves his freedom. I'm not saying you're wrong for worrying, but Mintosu-san is… well, Mintosu-san after all. I'm sure he can take care of himself."

"I know that." Siruko sulked and pouted and sniffed again. He really should blow his nose. Sensei resisted the urge to wipe his tears from the monitor by clenching his hand under the table.

"Sometimes… sometimes I feel that he's not my boyfriend."

Sensei couldn't help it, but this ugly, dangerous thing called hope arises from the pits of his locked-up emotions that he squishes down every single time. He's only human after all. Limone forced himself to remember who it was that made Siruko-san laugh, who it was that Siruko-san always worried about, who it was that Siruko-san loved, and gods Sensei wished it was him, but it's not.

In his wallowing he didn't realize Siruko-san was still talking, "...and he doesn't even text me good night, and I'm not asking for so much romantic stuff, but would it kill him to at least say he loves me too?"

Siruko stopped, waiting for a reply that Sensei forced through the shards of glasses in his throat. He killed the thought that sprung in his mind, "I'll tell you I love you everyday if you were mine.", and instead he settled for, "No, it wouldn't kill him."

Sensei continued because he doesn’t hate Mintosu-san. The guy's a good guy, and he can see why Siruko fell for him. Even his annoying sides are endearing. Sensei wanted to defend his side that Siruko-san might have missed.

"But Siruko-san, you knew he wasn't the romantic, hearts-and-roses type of guy, and you fell for him anyway. Don't you think it's a bit unfair of you to expect him to suddenly be a sweet-honey-words kind of guy? If you really wanted things like that, talk to him about it. Guide him through it, coz for all that idiot's bountiful of APEX skills, he sucks when it comes to emotions. Talk to him properly, and maybe back off with the nagging a little bit."

Siruko considered his words and looked thoughtful, and Sensei swallowed the bile coming up his throat, half-wishing they’d break up even though he just helped fix the misunderstanding. Finally, after long minutes of silence, Siruko showed a hint of that really cute, embarrassed smile. "Thanks Sensei. You're really good with advice."

"Tell me something I don't know."

Siruko chuckled a little and Sensei was content with that, he told himself. Just that slight hint that he was able to make Siruko-san feel better was enough. He doesn't want more, he lied to himself. "I might start to call you love-sensei now www. How come you're so good with relationship advice but you don't have a girlfriend? Want me to set up someone for you?"

"Do it and I'll kill you. You're lucky I don't charge you consultation fees."

"Coz you love me~" Siruko sang playfully.

You have no idea, Sensei thought hard. "I'll fucking kill you, bakagayo! Now if you don't have anything else to say, I'm gonna go to sleep."

"It's just 12 midnight! Since when do you sleep so early?"

I actually won’t. I'll lie down and imagine ways I could treat you better than he can, then hate myself for thinking such evil, selfish thoughts. But Sensei replied instead, "I just played a horror game and I went out today, so I'm a bit tired." Sensei knew Siruko-san would feel guilty he disturbed Sensei, that's how well he knew Siruko-san by now, so he followed up immediately. "Shut up, don't apologize. I'd always make time for you, you know that." The teacher said quietly. "We're friends, aren't we?"

Siruko's pretty lips lifted up in one corner wistfully. "Yeah."

The conflict of Sensei liking that smile versus the painful confirmation that they'll only ever be friends clenched Sensei's heart tight. "Then, good night Siruko-san. Ja na, mata ne.”

"Bye bye. Thank you, Sensei."

Sensei lay awake the whole night, until dawn came and the golden rays of the sun filter through his windows. It's like this every time, and Sensei should have been used to it, but he's not. He let the pain wash over him, thinking he might not be a sadist like what people think, but instead he might actually be masochistic.

But he'll be alright. It was just death by a thousand cuts.

The third time, or he's not sure since it's been so long enough that he's not keeping count anymore, it was Siruko-san's birthday. He had just finished streaming Minecraft, and he put the Bintroll stream on background while he got something to drink. He didn't notice at first, but he knew something was wrong. Siruko-san was good at pretending, sometimes too good, so it's no surprise if the listeners didn't hear it, if even his own friends didn't know. But Sensei knew, heard that off-note, that slightly forced laugh, slightly louder, more exaggerated reaction. From the way Bintroll reacted too, they knew it, or at least have noticed it enough, but the show must go on. It's a livestream, and it's an unwritten rule among streamers that no one should break down during that. He knows that Siruko-san is happy, he really is, but something was missing. Or someone.

"Call me when you're done streaming." He typed on LINE, knowing Siruko-san is checking his phone. Not for his message of course. Never for his.

They finished the stream without reading the superchat donation, partly because Siruko-san was tired laughing and talking from the stream, but Sensei knew the other reason. He waits, but he also knew Siruko-san wouldn't call, because he doesn't like imposing on someone, troubling someone for something he thinks he can endure, even if it breaks his heart. He's too kind to do that, even if that was dumb. How many times has Sensei told him it was okay to rant to him, to call him when he's in trouble, or even when he's just bored? How many times has Siruko-san done it too, but each time Sensei has to reassure him that it was okay, he's not disturbing, that Sensei wants to listen to him. Siruko-san is truly dumb and masochistic, keeping everything to himself until he explodes with it, and there will be ugly messy crying and moping for days and drowning in alcohol and not leaving his bed. Sensei knew him too well. And if it was in Sensei's power to, if not protect him from things that can hurt him, then to pick him up when he's down, Sensei will do it, no questions asked.

Maybe Sensei is dumb and masochistic too, he realizes, as he dialed Siruko-san's number.

After 14 rings, during which Sensei is thinking of a hundred and one ways of killing Mintosu even if he has grown to also be close and endeared to the guy thanks to Siruko-san's efforts of getting the three of them to play together, Siruko finally picked up. He's silent, but Sensei knew he's there, and it just meant he wasn't in the mood to talk. Sensei could pick up the low sounds of sniffing and knew he was crying. Damn it. Sensei could take a million broken bones if it was just him, but just a hint of Siruko-san hurting and his knees lose strength.

"What happened." He demanded, but nothing. Silence answered him. Sensei waits and waits and waits. It always took so much coaxing, because no matter how friendly and sunny and cheerful Siruko-san always appears to be, he's an introvert who has insecurities deeper than the ocean and a long list of anxieties making it hard for him to open up sometimes. But Sensei is a patient man. He's already broken the walls Siruko built, passed through the mazes of Siruko's brilliant mind and fragile heart, and if Siruko-san makes more walls, Sensei won't ever be tired of breaking it down. Because beyond those walls is a precious, child-like heart that only wanted to be loved and accepted and happy, and it was very simple to give those things to him. Sensei knew he could give it.

"Minben-san."

"What."

"He…" Sensei sees it without really seeing it. The opening of the waterworks, tears flowing down. "He promised.. he'd come."

And Sensei understood immediately. Goddamnit, that fucking idiot. He could picture Siruko waiting, checking his phone from time to time, waiting for a Discord notification. Smiling and laughing as people wish him happy birthday, and it makes him happy, it really does, but it's different.

"Sensei.. you're really smart, right? You're love-sensei, right? So can you tell me…" Siruko sobbed, breaking Sensei's heart to a million pieces. "...what do you do.. when the one who means the most to you… is the one who didn't show?"

Sensei held his breath. Horror games he can do. Minecraft he can do. This? He doesnt fucking know how to fix this.

"Sensei… thank you by the way… you… you gave me superchat even in the middle of you streaming…You always do that, and it’s really thoughtful... that was really nice… thank you."

And Siruko dropped the call. Sensei clenched his fist, wanting to punch something. It was 4am, but he moved into motion almost without thought. Bought a train ticket to Tochigi and boarded the first train as soon as the station opened, carrying nothing but his wallet and phone and earpods. It took about two hours, and he stared as the view changed from high-rise skyscrapers to something a little more green, a little more rural. He took a cab to the address he knew so well; he's been here so many times that he's already a familiar face.

"Sensei..?" Hakotaro-san opened the door, surprised, but also relieved. He let him in without so much ado, even though it was too early. Sensei realized it's a Sunday, and it's still breakfast time. It's a weird time to come over a house, but maybe Hakotaro-san has an idea of why he came. He said "ojamashimasu” and took off his shoes.

Papataro and Mamataro were surprised to see him, but they welcomed him with warm smiles, asked him how he'd been, took him to the dining table and forced him to eat breakfast with them. Sensei really likes them--this house, their family--and it makes him miss his own back in Hokkaido. He apologized for coming unannounced and gave them the big cake he bought in haste because it's rude to come to a house without a gift, and they waved him off, telling him it's alright, although Siruko-chan's still in his room, probably still asleep. It's not a surprise to Sensei because he knows Siruko-san doesn't eat breakfast. He chatted with them and felt warm, because they treat him like he's a part of the family too, and Sensei knows where Siruko-san got his kindness from. Siruko and Hakotaro got their looks from their father, but they both got their mother's sweet smile.

He waited in the living room and scratched Baron absently as Hakotaro-san came up to his Niisan's room, and Sensei chuckled when he heard Siruko's loud, panicked shriek. Sensei liked cats more than dogs, but Baron is a good good boy. He's a bit older now so he's calmer and more domestic than most dogs, and Sensei loves his quiet company. Hakotaro-san came again and brought him snacks and a glass of water, and Baron followed his master and jumped on his lap like he's still a puppy even though he's bigger now. They sat in silence, because while they're friendly enough to have exchanged banter or two, Sensei's actually a bit more quieter and serious off the camera, off his online persona. The silence was actually nice, comfortable even, because it gave Sensei time to think and evaluate. Why the hell did he come here so impulsively?

"You would have been better for him, Sensei."

Sensei almost choked on his own spit, actually coughed a bit at that statement, shock covering his face. Hakotaro-san continued to brush Baron's fur as if he just announced the weather and not like he just delivered the finishing blow to Sensei's already pining heart.

"I--uh… what?"

"Don't get me wrong. I love Minben-san too, and I can see how he tries his best to make Niisan happy, and I'm supportive of them. But Minben-san…. He's too independent, too free. Niisan's better off with someone he can spoil but also someone who spoils him. Niisan likes to be needed, but also is needy himself. I know Minben-san is trying, and I know he loves Niisan with all his heart, but if it was you, Sensei, it would have been easier. Less clashing. You're both equals in a sense that Niisan can give and take, that… forgive my Kansai metaphor for the lack of better expression, Niisan can be boke but also tsukkomi. You balance each other in a way."

And the truth is, Sensei did think that too. It's not that Mintosu-san is a bad guy, but he's someone that was already happy and content by playing games, and complicated things like emotions and things like that is not his forte. He's been friends with the guy long enough to know who he actually is even off the camera. Mintosu did not strike him as someone who could be raw and open, which is something you need for a relationship to work. And Mintosu also seemed that kind of guy who would feel confined with the commitments of a relationship.

Mintosu-san is a great guy, a really good person, but he's not a natural lover. He's tough and doesn't mince his words and doesn't do the hearts-and-flowers and the feelings thing, and that's not wrong, but sometimes Sensei thinks he has a better relationship with his fans and listeners than with Siruko-san. He was always more considerate of them, kinder, gentler, and maybe it’s because that kind of human interaction is simpler and easier.

But that doesn't mean Mintosu didn't love Siruko. Heck, it's a testament to how much he loves Siruko-san because he always tries hard to be what he's not. Sensei knew that Mintosu-san tries his best to remember important events, to send gifts and take Siruko out on dates, to be more generous with his I love yous. Mintosu-san is good for Siruko-san; he knows Siruko-san full well and understands every part of him, and they can be a really good team when they try hard enough. They have this shared history that Sensei can't ever replicate. Sensei acknowledged, respected, and supported their relationship with all his being; heck, he's even the one that triggered it into happening.

And Sensei hated himself everyday for this, but he wished he was Mintosu. That if one thing had been different in this universe, he wished he could have been what Siruko's heart wanted. That he was the one who received Siruko's kind, loving smiles, who got to make love to him, who got to give him the happiness he very much deserved. Limone-sensei would have been so good to Siruko-san, would have given him the attention he craved and the reassurances he needed. He would have been strict to him because Siruko tended to forget everything when he's so addicted to a game, would have crashed his stream to scold him to eat, but he also would have given in to Siruko's whinings, because there's very little Sensei can deny Siruko-san. He already does all of these things, but only as a friend, never more than that. He would have given him the universe if Siruko-san asked for it.

But Sensei had no time to indulge this self-pity, because his universe came out of the room, covered head to toe with a soft, velvety brown blanket. His beautiful purple eyes were puffy from crying, and he looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep. Sensei wanted to bundle him up and just envelop him in his arms to protect him from anything that might hurt him, but in this universe, he didn't have the right to do that.

"What are you doing here?" Siruko-san pouted. Sensei wondered if he was disappointed that it wasn't his lover that came to surprise him. His voice was hoarse, either from streaming or crying, Sensei didn't know, but he hated it. Hated that he couldn’t take care of Siruko-san the way he wanted to, because in this universe, Siruko’s heart wants what it wants, and that was Mintosu-san.

"I brought you cake. Happy late birthday."

"I don't like sweet things though." Siruko-san sat between his brother and Sensei and casually placed his head on Sensei's shoulder, because they're close enough friends he could do that. Totally platonic, to Sensei's disappointment, but Sensei let him. That's one thing about Siruko-san, he's clingy and surprisingly craves touch. Sensei draped one arm over him and pats Siruko's shoulder, and he thought about where he finds this easy to do, Mintosu would have been repulsed yet forced to give this level of affection. He felt bad for Mintosu-san, but not that much, because at least Siruko's heart belonged to him.

Sensei rolled his eyes in response. "Yeah, like I didn't know that. It was lemon cake."

Siruko snorted playfully underneath the blanket. "Because it's from you?"

"What else?"

The three of them sat in silence for a while. It should have been weird but it wasn't, at least not to them. Sensei decided to break the silence and finally reveal what he came here for. His exhaustion suddenly washed over him--a few intermittent naps on the train wasn't enough--but he had to do this. He'll never let Siruko-san cry again, not if he can help it.

"Go take a bath and wear some nice clothes, bakatare. We're going somewhere."

Siruko sat up like a puppy who had been called to attention. "Where?"

"To Nara, to Mintosu-san's house."

He saw the hurt and betrayal and refusal in Siruko's eyes, but there was also this hope and desire that made Sensei feel what he's doing is right even though it's not what he wants to do at all. "I-it's okay Sensei," Siruko denied, "I-it's really okay and I… I'm used to this. Minben-san texted me that he forgot and got tired from streaming so he fell asleep, that's all. You don't have to do this and I… I'm fine."

Sensei stared at him hard and Siruko flinched. "There's no reason to go there, and besides, I'm sure he's busy, and--"

"Does there need to be a reason?!" Sensei suddenly raised his voice, and he stilled himself. Sometimes it's so hard to control his emotions, and he's so so angry but he can't be, because there was no black and white here. He can't blame Mintosu for unknowingly hurting Siruko because he had never been that kind of guy anyway, one who prepares romantic stuff to surprise his lover on his special day. It was an honest mistake on his part, and even that was just, so Mintosu. And he also can't blame Siruko-san for this, for expecting something more, because it was his right as a boyfriend, his right to get the simple happiness he wanted. Sensei took a deep breath to calm himself. Here were two people who loved each other but sucked at showing it, and if all they needed was a little push, a little nudge to the right direction, then Sensei was willing to make himself fall apart just so they could both be whole.

"You want to see him, don't you?" Sensei said in a hushed voice. He glanced at Hakotaro-san who didn't interfere and made a reaction, just watching them. "If you want to see him, that's good enough reason, Siruko-san. And when you see each other, you'll fight and be at each other's throat, but also make up and forgive, because you can't let this misunderstanding be unresolved. It'll be a festering wound, and I can only see this incident as something that'll come back and bite you in the future. I know both of you too well because you are my friends. I know you, Siruko-san, that you'll say you're fine now but you'll never forget this, and you'll bring this up against him every time you see the chance, because you were hurt and you'll want him to acknowledge it. And I know Mintosu-san, that he'll get sick of it because he can't tolerate your emotional needs, he'll push you away and turn the blame on you again like he always does, because he has always been a prideful person. And you're both idiots but you're both not wrong for being what you both are. So if I have to drag you to Mintosu-san's house by stuffing all 175cm of you in a suitcase, I swear I will, because you both need to talk."

Siruko freezed, processed everything that Sensei said, and stormed back to his room and shut his door with a loud bang, because for all their silly fighting, Siruko is too similar to Mintosu sometimes, both idiots who likes to bottle their emotions inside of them, and when confronted with it, will run away from it. Hakotaro-san hummed in consideration, making Sensei jump a little because he had honestly forgotten about him.

Sensei cleared his throat. "What?"

"You're right, of course, but I still stand by what I said. Their chemistry is too… explosive, and that can be a good or a bad thing. Their similarities make it stable, but both being water signs, one moment they can be as peaceful as a lake, then the next it's a raging tsunami. Them knowing each other so well works for them, because they have their own level of understanding no one can reach, but that also means they know each other's buttons and what ticks each other off, and they both use it against the other. I don't like that Niisan always has to apologize first and he just goes along with what Minben-san wants so they don't clash, but I also don't like Minben-san being forced to go out of his comfort zone to be this person Niisan needs him to be. Their love can be something so very beautiful, but it can also easily turn into something toxic.

On the other hand, while you and Niisan are very different from each other, it's complementary. What the other lacks, one makes up. People have this misconception that Niisan is outgoing, but he just finds it easier to make friends on the internet. So while you, Sensei, is extroverted, it complements Niisan being introverted. Niisan's patience can keep up with your need to try new things, and your ability to back down works with Niisan's need to be right all the time. You're fire and water and it shouldn't work but it can because you're both emotionally mature and flexible enough to balance each other out."

Sensei didn’t get scared easily, but now he did, because his palms are getting clammy and there might be actual goosebumps at his nape. Was… Hakotaro-san reading his mind? Did Hakotaro-san… know he's been harboring these feelings for his older brother all this time? He knew the younger one had always been observant and intelligent like his Niisan, but to this extent? Sensei resisted the urge to shiver.

"Why… are you telling me this?"

Hakotaro-san shrugged. "No reason. I know Minben-san and Niisan will get through this, especially with you always helping their relationship. I want what's best for my Niisan, but I also want what makes him happy. Give me a moment to talk some sense to him. He'll only go to Nara if you come with him, so, yoroshiku onegaishimasu." Hakotaro-san bowed slightly and Sensei was a second too late to return it, mind reeling from the analysis the blonde just revealed, and by the time he recovered, Hakotaro was already in his brother's room, and he's left alone with Baron and Pii-chan in the living room.

It took everything in Sensei to not get undone in that living room, to kill the rising hope in his heart that maybe, maybe he has a chance. Maybe he should just let this incident go, so that if their relationship sours, Sensei can swoop in and show Siruko-san how to be properly loved and treated. If they break up, Mintosu will be free of this emotion thing that shackles him and do what he loves the most, sometimes more than his own boyfriend, which is gaming, and that would be best for him. And Siruko, sweet, dearest Siruko, won't have to settle with the scraps of affection and attention Mintosu-san gives him, because Sensei can do it. Sensei can come to every one of his birthday stream and be touchy and affectionate and open, and he can love him more than this.

Gods, he wished he was a horrible enough person so he can be capable of ruining a relationship.

An hour passed, and Hakotaro-san told him his Niisan was calm now, so Sensei entered his room. Siruko, who looks like a burrito with that blanket bundling him, glared angrily at him, but without any heat. Sensei settled on his gaming chair.

"You're mean." And the buriko ojiisan actually stuck his tongue out at him, the nerve.

He's mean?! As if Mintosu didn't bully him every time. Tch. "So?"

"Do you even know how far Tochigi and Nara is? It's like 6 hours away by train."

"And if your dramatic ass didn't throw up a tantrum, we would have been in the train by now."

"See?? Meanie!!" Siruko accused, turning his back to Sensei. "I'm not sure I wanna talk to him. I don't even know what to say to him."

And Sensei thought, this is it. He could say that they didn't have to go, and let this misunderstanding pile up with their other issues until it blows in their face. But he glanced at their rare framed picture on Siruko's desk, with their wide smiles, Mintosu's arm draped over Siruko's shoulder while holding a peace sign and Siruko looking at Mintosu with such adoration in his eyes, and Sensei can’t.

"I'm sure you can think of something during that stupid 6 hour ride."

And Siruko looked back at him, gave him this soft, grateful smile and said okay, and Sensei tasted cotton balls in his mouth. If only Siruko knew how awful Sensei's thoughts were, he wouldn't be so trusting of him. Sensei's stomach is filled with gravel, and it makes his body heavy and sick with something medicine can’t cure. A martyr, that’s what he was, or a living thing but dead inside. Loving Siruko-san was the most exquisite form of self-destruction.

And in the train ride to Nara, where Siruko spent most of the time sleeping on Sensei's shoulder, Sensei should be feeling happy with this moment of just the two of them. But he didn’t.

It just felt like death by a thousand cuts.

And later, Mintosu, who did this stupid perfect impression of a fish out of the water with his surprise to see them in his apartment, jaw dropped and eyes wide, let them in. Siruko was silent and kept biting his lips, and Mintosu was genuinely confused, and Sensei would like to punch them both and go home. So Sensei acts like a mediator, almost like a marriage counselor, and at first Mintosu and Siruko refuse to let their emotions out, but Sensei shouts at them that he didn't come all the way from Tokyo for this bullshit, so they let their frustrations out and shout at each other, and Mintosu almost storms out in anger but Sensei doesn't let him, and Siruko cries this angry tears but Sensei forces him to calm down, and they both manipulate each other's emotions and are both stubborn and vindictive, but in the end they come to an agreement to be more understanding and more open with their feelings and with a promise to always talk and communicate, and they make up. Sensei faked forgetting to make an important phone call and stepped outside to give them some privacy, because the last thing he needed was to see them kiss in front of him.

At midnight they went out and ate the best ramen in town and it was really delicious, and they traded jokes and laughed and talked about their favorite things. Sensei slept on the couch while the couple slept in Mintosu's room, and Sensei didn’t really get any sleep, because he's busy trying not to imagine what they must be doing on the other side of the apartment, and hating himself for being unable to be an awful person because once again, he probably has contributed more to this relationship more than any outsider has or needed to, and he tries to be happy for them because they are happy and in love.

Sensei asked the Mintosu's ceiling if he'll be alright and it said, "I don't know."

The last time, it wasn't really the last, but it did feel like the end. It's been more than a year, and one day, as they finished shooting a video, Mintosu DM-ed Sensei.

It's not that unusual, since Mintosu and Sensei did develop their own friendship outside of their collabs, partly because of Siruko. Sensei kind of became their go-to person when they're in trouble with their relationship, and it kills Sensei but also makes him feel like he's not completely a terrible person if he was able to help them out.

It was rare though, for Mintosu to reach out first. So Sensei voice-called him, partly because he wanted to rest his fingers, and partly because he'll be able to hear Mintosu's emotions through his voice.

"Moshi moshi Sensei!"

"Hai hai, mosh mosh, doushita doushita."

"Ano.. I was kind of wondering if… how do you say this… if you had any advice for me..?"

That was weird. Mintosu, unsure of himself? At loss for words? Is there a zombie apocalypse outside his door right now?

"For what?"

"Coz I… um… I'm planning to ask Siruko-san to marry me."

And the world stopped spinning. Time stood still, and the world turned into shades of gray. Sensei’s heart gets caught up in his throat, and his insides were being turned into mush.

"...Sensei?"

Sensei shook his head to clear his mind, but it's so hard to breathe. He regretted voice calling now, because it's so hard to talk when his throat felt like acid. "C...Congratulations, teme!! W-wow this is such a big.. move, like wow, really. Dude, congrats…"

"Thanks Sensei! You're actually the third person I told, after my family and my best friend. I'm kinda nervous and excited for it!"

"Y-yeah… I bet you are… Listen, can I go to the toilet for a bit?"

"Sure, iterrashai!"

Sensei ran to the toilet and hurled the dinner he ate, his hands shaking. He splashed water on his face to calm himself down. He'd seen this coming, taught himself how to react when he hears the news, trained himself to accept it, but it still came crashing down on him like boulders on a landslide. This was his worst nightmare coming true.

"I’m back."

"Osu!"

"So… advice huh?"

"Yeah! The ring stuff, my bestfriend can take care of that, coz I have zero knowledge in that area hahaha. But I still don't know how to ask him. Should I go for the dinner style? Or the… blegh, ring on champagne thing? Coz I really dont wanna have to, thinking about it makes me puke, blegh."

And Sensei felt horrible for this, he really did, but he told Mintosu… what he let himself imagine in the middle of the night when he lets the devil in him take over, when he would revel in his deepest, darkest fantasies, things he would have done for Siruko-san. How he would have proposed.

Siruko-san deserved something grand, but also private. Sensei would have made a scavenger hunt for him, but one Siruko can do in his house because he doesn't like going out, so he'll need to ask Hakotaro-san for help. It's perfect for him, since he loves games, and he's good at solving problems and figuring things out. The next puzzle pieces will come from Bintroll, and Siruko-san can VC or chat with them about it. It will give him time to spend with the people he loves the most, and when he looks back at this memory, Siruko-san would love that they were involved. The last puzzle piece would take him to a hotel though, for their privacy. Sensei would have pulled out all stops for him, rose petals and candles everywhere (he leaves this part out because he doesn’t think Mintosu-san will do this, nor does it suit him), and he imagined Siruko-san confused but super touched at the romantic gesture, and then Sensei would come out and give him an embarrassing but heartfelt speech about how much he loves him and wants to spend forever with him, that Siruko was his lifeline (like the character they both like in APEX), that a man like Sensei can only love someone that greatly once, so Siruko was his one and only. Sensei imagined Siruko-san getting a bit emotional with the speech and cracking a joke to lighten the mood, and then he'd fall down on one knee and tell him how he loves everything about Siruko-san, his good leadership and charisma that makes everyone around him respect and treasure him, his supportive side that lifts everyone around him up, and even his demanding, whiny side that makes you wanna scold him but also indulge him.

And they would have been good for each other. They compensate for what each other doesn't have. They bring out the best in each other. Where Sensei was sometimes emotionally distant, Siruko's empathy and warmth fills that. Where Siruko was full of insecurities and anxieties, Sensei was the confidence and the daring that would support him. They both have a loud personality, which, in a non-arrogant way, has this center-of-attention thing that charms people so well, but also, they both have a side that sometimes hides in the background blending in quietly, and that's what make it's so balanced, because when one roars, the other one knows how to shut up, and vice versa. They can be both assertive and analytical, but they're also both attentive and generous. Sure, they would have had some friction, but they were both understanding enough to have handled it. It would've been sweet, if it could've been him. It would've been fun, if Sensei was the one.

They would have been as natural and beautiful as the purple-blue daybreak sky.

But it wasn't. In this world, it was Mintosu that Siruko wanted and loved. Mintosu who gets to wake up in the morning next to him, who got to cook curry for him and take care of him, who got to hold him in his arms. And they still worked, despite the seemingly destructive fights, because they were proof that if two people tried hard enough, they could make it work. Siruko learned how to assert his opinions and call out Mintosu for his bullshit, and Mintosu learned how to listen and be more showy with his affection. They still have their worse moments, and sometimes they both treat their issues the same way: either pretending it didn't exist even if it bothered them, or giving the other the cold silent treatment, or have screaming fights where they throw their words like knives, and on the worst ones, someone has to interfere, most times (to his agony), it was Sensei who did. But they pulled through by some miracle, and Sensei was happy for them, he really is. They make a good couple when they actually cooperate, and Sensei wouldn’t have approved of any other man other than Mintosu-san for Siruko-san.

And Mintosu-san actually did follow Sensei's advice, to his surprise. Sensei volunteered to make the scavenger hunt for him because that's not Mintosu's strength, but he helped and made an effort to be involved in the process. There were no roses or candles or long speeches, only the few words of: "Siruko-san, I want you to be my partner in everything; in gaming and in life. Marry me." And Siruko didn't believe him at first and thought it was a prank, but when he saw Minben-san was serious for once, he dived into Minben-san's arms and shouted “Yeeees!” And Mintosu-san almost drops the ring but he was able to catch Siruko, and they laughed while their eyes got a bit moist and they spent the whole night reveling in each other's presence and owning each other in all senses. Limone-sensei knew this because they both told him, and he congratulated them sincerely and joked about buying them PC gear for their wedding gift, and later finally let himself cry for the first time.

That was months ago. Sensei's now dusting off his black suit and adjusting his navy blue tie while sitting on his chair, waiting for the wedding ceremony to start. There were two aisles that meet in a center altar, where the officiant is already on standby. Sensei was one of the few lucky people invited in the small ceremony, as usually most people attended the reception instead. Both Mintosu and Siruko wanted him to come, as they said they both owe their relationship to him. Sensei couldn't say no even if he tried, of course. Some good part of him was still proud at what he's done to help, even if his heart dropped to his stomach and shattered to a million pieces at the thought of attending the wedding he very much wanted to be his.

The grooms arrived and walked the aisle, but of course Sensei was only looking at Siruko-san. He was beautiful, with his purple hair combed well and there were no longer dark shadows in his eyes. Not that he has ever been any less beautiful to Sensei, because Sensei found his tired or drunk state equally cute, but this, his wide smile full of nervousness and excitement, his purple eyes shining with glee, it was too much for Sensei, because it wasn't meant for him. He choked on bitter bile and coughed, and beside him Shoichi side-eyed him worriedly. He was the only one who knew, of course. Sensei couldn't have confided in Hanachan; he was already too busy with his own things to think about, and plus, he wouldn’t understand why Sensei backed off. He would have urged Sensei to pursue Siruko-san. Shoichi only knew because he and Sensei went out eating one day and ended up in a bar, and Sensei couldn't hold his alcohol well and accidentally ranted. Shoichi promised he'd never tell anyone, and Sensei knew Shoichi also wanted to ask Sensei why he never tried, but the editor didn’t, only offered silent consolation like a brother. It helped him get through the pain and the heartache, but it never fully healed. This kind of pain lasts a lifetime, because the only love that lasts is unrequited love.

And as they exchanged vows, Sensei tried to let go. He's known for a long time now, what love really means. It meant making difficult, painful choices for the happiness of another person, more than your own. Loving Siruko was the most beautiful and tragic thing he's ever done, but it was okay. He sees Mintosu gaze at Siruko with the same loving eyes he has, and that was good enough. Perhaps such a great love like Sensei had was never meant to be returned, but it will be alright.

And when they kissed, Sensei thought it was okay. People fall in love with people they can't have all the time.

He'll be alright. It was just death by a thousand cuts.

And this story did have a happy ending, just not for him.

The end.

Ren’s RANT that you don’t have to read:

About the story!

Please don't hate Minsan. I love that guy so much and even though him forgetting birthdays is almost a canon-like thing he can do, my good friend Hotaru (who likes to pretend she is Minsan's wife) pointed out that Minben-san doesn't seem like a person who would forget someone's birthday especially if it was someone special to him. He'd most likely buy you a present, although he might forget to give it to you on your actual birthday. 😂😂😂 and that's okay, it was an honest mistake on his part, that's the reason why Sensei wouldn't punch him and Siruko-san forgave him easily. It's just a Minsan thing and I love him.

I also want to point out that Minsan is also emotionally intellectual in a sense that he analyzes feelings and emotions very well, and if you watch his streams he actually has a side to him that's good at self-introspection. We just think he's not the type to show his vulnerable self, and that's why he doesn't really show up much in Bintroll livestreams, because he's more comfortable with gaming than casual chatting, and that's okay. Please don't think I don't ship MinSiru too; I was the biggest MinSiru fan and I still am, and I have probably influenced so many to their ship too. I like their dynamics as well, but as someone who has watched Minben-san for quite a bit of a long time, lately I realized that when it comes to him, Mintosu x Fans are the true canon ship. If you watch his streams closely, you'll know how much he cares about his listeners and really truly genuinely enjoys his interactions with them. He's a complex man; he has different sides of him in the Hanae channel, Bintroll channel, and his own channel, and if you watch him more, you'll fall in love with how close he is to his listeners. That's why I think Mintosu x Fans is canon www (ship MinRen for world peace and clear skin!!) (Ren who imagines herself with Minsan more than Minsan with Siruty)

I see Mintosu as someone who cannot be tied down by a relationship because that’s not him, and that’s okay because you can already see his happiness by gaming, and I love him for that.

This fic is controversial (and that's why it took me a full week to decide whether to publish it) in a sense that I've given some bad points about MinSiru. I did give them some good points, but since it's Sensei POV, it came across as sad. But just because it would be difficult doesn't mean it wouldn't work. Trust me, I'm in a relationship with someone who's almost like Min-san in personality, but we've been together for almost 3 years now. I used to think Siruko-san was a saint for enduring all Mintosu-san's trolls, coz if that was me, I would be annoyed, but there's a reason why Mintosu only does it to Siruko; it's because he's the most comfortable with Siruko3. Siruko-san is patient and understanding enough to deal with Minsan's quirks, and Minsan is also loves his company. They are more similar than people think, and that's why it's easy for them to be in sync. It'll be difficult, but it'll work. Believe me.

LimoSiru rant:

I think I’m getting better at writing angst wwww it’s just sad because if one really watched closely all four channel’s livestreams and videos, they’d see LimoSiru is beautiful too. They may not have had shared history and sexual tension, but it’s obvious how Siruko-san really supports Sensei in everything, and Sensei in return supports Bintroll even if he didn’t have to, and that’s beautiful.

I think part of the reason why I ship LimoSiru is because they make it so easy for me. It's not my fault when they are the ones who make all these cute, flirty interactions. I've started shipping them since the Fall Guys stream and have noticed how incredibly cute their relationship is. Imagine someone crashing your stream because he had this puzzle he couldn’t solve and because you’re so smart, he goes to you instead, not caring if you are currently streaming or if there are fans watching. Like seriously, Sensei, don’t you have friends? Or couldn’t you just LINE Siruko-san afterwards? If it seems like LimoSiru just happened all of a sudden, I assure you it didn’t. It’s always been there, and they started as friends too. It's almost enemies to friends to something more. In the Dedomental video, Mintosu asks Siruko-san where his name came from, although he jokes it’s kinda dirty. If you watch Sensei’s POV, you’ll hear him laugh and say “I think it’s a good name.” Siruko-san always crashes Sensei’s stream and Sensei does the same, and I found it especially cute when Sensei always superchats in Siruko’s birthday stream; first, when he played DbD with them, and on the second, isn’t it cute how he sends superchat while he’s streaming, like he doesn’t have to do that, but he did. Even in the Bintroll 100k stream, he helped them make the DbD minecraft after his own stream, and that was so on-the-spot, and the fact that he did that even though he could have just ended his stream and rested, is very thoughtful. And have you watched that sudden stream that took our wigs off? Bintroll had just received their silver play and moments later Sensei wanted a stream with Siruko-san, when he could have just congratulated them on Twitter or LINE. The conversations, gods they sound like two people who were in the early stages of dating, and it felt like we listeners were third-wheelers. They learned their lesson on stream #2 because the conversations were more proper and they kept themselves in check, but that raw, unfiltered, natural first stream was everything. I’ve always had so little content for LimoSiru and even if they didn’t do that I would have been happy, but now with that big, fat LimoSiru official thumbnail there, I have died and ascended to heaven. (As of the release of this post, they have interacted almost everyday for a week, and I don't know what to do with all these interactions! I've been so used to little content and now I'm just… dead)

But not everyone ships like me, I guess, one who can ship anything and everything equally. At the end of the day, nothing is canon. That’s the real angst in this post, hahahaha. I know the characters in my mind are different from the people who livestreams in real time, no matter how much I always try to keep the characterization close. So let’s just enjoy supporting them in our own ways.

Thank you for reading! I love you~~

#Bintrollfanfic

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shieldedsouls · 4 years

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rules

This is going to be a long post, and I apologise for that. However I do not apologise for putting my boundaries as clear as possible, and will not apologise for doing so. All of the rules below exist for a reason, and I have them for my own comfort.

It is okay if you don’t agree with them but it’s not okay to ignore them. If you think you cannot follow the posted rules, then do not follow this blog. Thank you !!

General

These are the basics, a re-hash of rules that almost everyone has but that I like to cover anyway just in case!

Read ALL important pages: rules, disclaimer, muse list & info for the muse(s) you want to interact with

Use proper punctuation and spellings to the best of your abilities

Mark clearly whether an ask is IC or OOC

No godmodding

No maiming, killing, etc. of my muses without my permission

No choosing of thoughts or big actions of my muses without my permission

Hate, anon or otherwise, will be reported and deleted. Users will be blocked.

There may be an occasional mention that I do this if there’s some kind of repeat, but I will not place the content itself on the dash.

Asks and IMs are always welcome!!

More in the < Asks & Memes & Messaging > section

tracked tag is SHIELDEDSOULS and is the best chance of getting me to see a post. @’ing me will also work, but please be sure to use my url tag on top that! please also put somewhere which of my muse(s) the post is for.

Specifics

These are some of the rules that have been established over time for my own sake, and to make everyone’s time on here a lot easier!

Your age must be listed somewhere I can easily find it! I’m not comfortable writing some content with muns or muses who are under 18

If I cannot find that information I am unlikely to follow, and I will not write that content with you, as it’s safer to err on the side of caution.

If you are not comfortable with discussion and usage of DID ( dissociative identity disorder ) please do not follow as it ties heavily into my portrayal of Bucky Barnes and James ( the Winter Soldier ).

It takes time for me to check through all my followers, so please don’t ask if I haven’t followed back right away or unfollow, unless I post very specifically about dumblr fucking things up.

There’s any number of reasons I may do either, but the more we happily interact and talk the more likely I am to follow or re-follow.

With rare exception, I will not interact with any blogs that contain digits in them.

Please, please, use regularly accepted punctuation within threads.

Please.

Do not spam-reblog from me, which is reblogging 3+ posts in rapid succession. It messes up my notifications and I lose other things.

Mark clearly between IC/OOC, and which muse or npc a message is for.

ALL PERSONALS WILL BE BLOCKED

unless I can tell with a glance that there are RP sideblogs attached to them

I love my ships and will not stop writing them for someone else’s sake. I tag all visual content, but if there’s a short tag or something to be added, give me a quick little heads-up and I’ll happily tack it on. Everyone wins!

If I cannot easily navigate a blog for information, I will not follow back

easy navigation includes:

rules page

disclaimer/ooc page of some kind

tagging system

cut posts

Formatting

this little section is for what to expect from me and my writing preferences, but it is a flexible section!

I do both regular capitalization and zero capitalization for threads, depending on partner and length of the thread

memes and asks will be done in whichever I’m feeling

I do small text ONCE for aesthetic, but will leave text regular size if asked

Headlines will be done in subtext size, again mostly for aesthetic

Parentheses and brackets will be bolded and italicized, on the whole

I will @ the url of the person who sent the ask or is part of the thread

thread partner urls will also have their muse’s name listed after a slash for further clarity

I occasionally use icons, but mostly for asks, dash commentary, or silly things

all icons are 100x100

I enjoy using bold, italics, and strikethrough, but that’s about the extent of my text formatting and I try not to overdo them too much

Asks & Memes & Messaging

Asks are open to everyone!

IMs are ooc and mutuals only.

If a meme is shippy or nsfw, it is mutuals only and will require previous interaction.

All others are freebies!!

due to asks being fucked for formatting: i will tag the url of the sender on a new post, have a header to show which muse is answering, and tag the user within the post. i will also link it and privately answer the original ask where possible, to help ensure responses are seen.

for the time being I’m putting a graphic in the direct reply to an ask, adding a blockquote for tagging the sender, additional commentary, and the source meme if there is one

Any reply to an ask must be in a new post. Reblogged asks will be ignored.

Any messages saying ‘wanna rp?’ or asking for an IM will be deleted. I’m far more receptive to being approached with ideas to work with

Any messages that do no specify a muse will be deleted.

While not explicitly reblog karma, I am not a meme source and will talk to you if you always take memes from me but never send anything in or talk to me. Sometimes a meme doesn’t work and that’s fine, but there’s no excuse to never interact with me.

I often have a mix of platonic, general, and nsfw/shippy memes at my disposal, but feel free to improv something from the gist or edit sentences to suit our muses better!! Creative fun is why we’re here <3

OCS & Sideblogs & MuMus & Second-Gens

Information must be easy to navigate and read, same as for canons/single muse blogs!

Sideblogs, please list somewhere OBVIOUS what the main blog is called so I know what to look out for.

Mumus, I love you and your dedication, but I am most selective with you. Yes, even as a mumu myself.

The more fandoms covered and more muses included, the less likely I am to hop on board mostly because I prefer a clean dash.

If we’re close friends ooc I’ll likely be far more lenient

OCs with an mcu-canon faceclaim will not be accepted unless the muse has been around longer than the canon being cast or if they look markedly different than the canon ( Karen Gillan with all her hair vs as Nebula, for example ).

more in the < canons & fcs > section

Unless plotted otherwise, they will not know my muses, but they can know of my muses

Second-Gens ( kids of the original set(s) of main canons ) make me uncomfortable for a number of reasons, and so will be interacted with on a case-by-case basis.

I am unlikely to follow unless we know each other very well ooc

Canons & FCs

Again, OCs with mcu-canon faceclaims will not be interacted with unless they meet at least one of the two criteria listed above.

However, if I pick a FC for someone related to this blog that isn’t canon, it’ll likely be shrugged off as uncanny lookalike, or we can otherwise plot around it.

Animated FCs are welcome, but I’ll admit that specifically anime blogs are unlikely to be interacted with. Sorry

If a canon has an alternate faceclaim: cool! Just have it listed somewhere obvious, please

FCs I will not interact with: Mark Sheppard, Selena Gomez, Mads Mikkelsen, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, Sara Bareilles, Andrew Scott, Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Dormer. The list may be periodically updated; yes, it is okay to ask me about specific names and why these ones are listed.

Shipping

There will be a good deal of F/F, F/M, and M/M on this blog both in visual and text.

May ( read: probably will ) include three+somes.

Implication and mention to graphically clear are likely, and will be tagged.

By default, ALL my muses are single, with the noted exceptions of Frigga ( until Odin chooses to pass ) Dugan and Peggy if it’s circa 1952-after, and Sam who is widowed and single post-2012, unless plotted otherwise.

Please don’t assume there will be a ship between your muse and mine without plotting first, positively or negatively !!

Specific to Peggys: don’t be alarmed by my above warning, Dugan/Peg is my muses only and not something I expect to be followed. I will also not expect a ship with Steve.

specific to Steves: I will not expect a ship with Peggy, Bucky, or Sharon

However, Bucky loves Steve, bordering on obsessively. Whether it’s platonic, romantic, or completely one-sided pining is up to plotting and muse chemistry.

if we are writing stucky, Bucky is the one who will be in it first.

James is incredibly anxious about dealing with Steve for many reasons, and more anxious about the possibility of infringing on Bucky’s territory.

It is one of few ships that will require Bucky’s active participation if you want James involved, because James will refuse Steve otherwise.

if we are writing steggy, it will not be eg-canon compliant

Specific to Peppers: Tony cares ( depending on point in time, deeply ) for her, but I will not expect a ship and it must be plotted out.

They could be exes, almosts, currently dating, platonically attached, whatever we would like! But it must be plotted.

specifically for Janes: I do not automatically lead with fosterson! My default is somewhere between slow burn infatuation or mutual, friendly separation. Thor adores her in any type of relationship though, and supports her endeavors and enthusiasms

For Bucky and James, dating one of them does not mean you have to be dating the other.

It would be marginally easier depending on time and verse tho

Specifically for Natashas: I include the generality of James being at the Red Room, but we must plot about including the affair or not. It is not my default canon.

if we are defaulting to winterwidow, James is the one most familiar with her, not Bucky. James was the fronting personality when they originally met, and Bucky’s recollection of events will be hazy if present at all.

If you want to ship Nat with Bucky, it must be plotted and must account for the prior/continuing relationship with James

For Sharon, she has no romantic interest in men ( yes including Steve ).

if she ends up with a comics-inclined verse this may change but will still require heavy plotting.

I will not be ship-exclusive with any blogs

I will have mains but it’s on unofficial terms

For all my writing partners: I will happily plot ships, and details! But I won’t have an assumed prior romantic/sexual history between our muses.

Again, I know this bit is particularly long !! But it’s very necessary for my comfort and yours as a baseline of whether we might get along or not. Thank you again for pulling through all the reading; if you’re staying, awesome !! If you’re not, I’m sorry to see you go but I hope you find the writing happiness you want <3

#( rules )#long post for ts

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cowardcouch · 5 years

Text

Give Me Love

Author’s Note- Thank you all for waiting for the update. It’s going to be angsty and it’s happening!!!

Part 7

This was all wrong. Baekhyun was an idiot. He hadn't thought this through. Heck, why did he even have to think this? It was not right and he was aware of that since the beginning. He is no less than her parents. He took advantage of her feelings, he hurt her, and he lied to her. It doesn't matter now that he has stopped putting on a show but he did before and it's wrong. He had to tell her. He had to make it right. She has the right to know the truth. She has every right to kill him by now. He never should have thought of writing such a story. He was ashamed of himself. He couldn't look her in the eyes. He has to put an end to this before his feelings get any deeper for her.

"Do you even play it?"

Sae Ri pressed random keys of the piano trying to make sense of the beats. "I do. I took piano lessons when I was in high school." Baekhyun sat beside her and placed his slender fingers on the keys. He played an unfamiliar melody and sang along. Sae Ri had never seen him singing and now that she did, she didn't want him to stop. His voice had that magic, warmth, and feeling of home. It was so strong yet soft and so euphonious. She had never seen someone or heard someone sing musical notes so effortlessly and beautifully. He was most definitely doing justice to the music. Sae Ri stared at him shamelessly as his eyes were closed. She minutely examined his facial features which were ethereal for a human. The color of his lips was the most romantic shade of pink and his cheeks shone with white and pink. His moles made him look so adorable that her fingers almost drew imaginary lines connecting them.

When Baekhyun slowly opened his eyes, Sae Ri felt that she was in a daze. His voice had sent into another dimension, where it was just the two of them.

"That was.....surreal."

Her words made Baekhyun chuckle who was trying to hide his pink cheeks from her.

"You can learn to play it too. It's very easy. Just place your fingers here." He took her hand and positioned her fingers on some selected keys. Sae Ri's breath got caught in her throat when Baekhyun's finger made contact with hers. She was still not used to Baekhyun's touch. Baekhyun's fingers were on the keys, his hands brushing against hers.

"Follow me."

He played on white key and Sae Ri aped his movements. Baekhyun kept on playing the different keys and Sae Ri followed his fingers with a little difficulty.

"You're doing well. Now try playing them together."

He played all the keys simultaneously making it hard for her to follow him. She tried to play them all together but it came out as different notes resonating as a very out-of-tune rhythm. Her confused expression made Baekhyun giggle.

"Try playing them slowly. One key at a time, followed by the other."

Sae Ri nodded her head and followed his movements. She played the notes slowly, taking her time. Once successful, she tried to increase her speed with every turn. She played them simultaneously smiling when she was successful.

"I did it."

Baekhyun ruffled her hair startling her. She felt...safe and comfortable when she was with him. She glared at him when he had ruined her properly combed hair making him scared. He straightened her hair evenly and tucked the strands behind her ear coming closer to her face in the process. Her eyes had lost their way and didn't know where to focus on.

"All done." He finally placed her hairband back on her head and there it was his toothy smile.

Baekhyun decided not to tell her again that day. His reason, because she was happy.

Baekhyun wanted to make this night perfect. He fluffed the cushions and straightened the blanket. He had noticed that his roommate preferred nachos over popcorn. He made serious efforts to make this night perfect. He didn't even know what kind of movies she liked, heck, he didn't even know if she likes movies. He had called Suho trying to draw out information he could about her taste in movies and he discovered she loved animated movies, something they had in common. He had carefully selected a movie for the night hoping she would like it. The bright yellow string of lights and glasses of wine made the air romantic in the room.

The opening of the lock snapped him out his daze and rushed towards the door. There she was looking exhausted and dull after working hard. "How was your day?" Baekhyun leaned against the wall watching her take in the surroundings in awe. "Did you do this?" She completely ignored his previous question. Baekhyun wouldn't blame her. He might have gone too overboard. The living room looked a bit too extravagant with all the lights and decorations that Baekhyun had arranged. "I thought you might like watching a movie together. It is fine if you don't want to. You must be tired." He had no idea what he was talking about. He had worked hard for this and he sincerely hoped that she wouldn't say no to him.

"I would love to watch a movie."

"Frozen, seriously?"

"What? It's a good movie. Don't judge me. I am a soft man." Baekhyun's answer made her giggle. Her contagious giggle made him chuckle too. He played the movie and grabbed his bucket of popcorn.

That day too Baekhyun couldn't tell her the truth. His reason, well he had already cried after watching the movie and didn't want to cry more.

"This is how you play it. You ready?"

"I am always ready."

Baekhyun puffed his chest and imitated the action of flipping his hair making Sae Ri shake her head. "I'm warning you, I'm the best at games. Don't tell this to anyone but I was the best in my-Oh, my God! How could you do that to me?" Baekhyun gasped in disbelief and kept on babbling on and on about how it was unfair that Sae Ri could kill his character and how this game was so unfair.

"This game is so unfair. Who came up with the idea for this game?"

"I did."

"This game is so good. I love how you can kill my character and get away with it."

Who needed background music when one can hear Baekhyun's whining? He sighed in disbelief when his player died by a final blow from Sae Ri. "I want a rematch." Baekhyun crossed his arms across his chest and glared at her. Sae Ri resisted the urge to hug him and kiss his cheek and shrugged her shoulders. "This is not fun at all. Let's make a bet. If I win, you'll do whatever I'll say and if you win, I'll do whatever you'll say." Baekhyun send a challenging look towards Sae Ri. "I don't think we should bet." Sae Ri suggested and sat down on the couch. "Please, it'll be fun. I promise." Baekhyun widened his eyes and pouted, trying to resemble a puppy and be cute to compel his roommate to surrender to his wish but the truth was, he was already a human puppy so he didn't even have to try.

"Fine. But just once."

History repeated itself that day when Baekhyun again didn't tell her the truth. His reason, he was busy playing the game.

"Thank you for considering me, sir."

Sae Ri hung up the call and sighed. For a moment she thought that she had taken the wrong decision but she can't do what has been done. It was a big deal to her. It's not every day one gets an opportunity to work in a huge game company in America. She felt honored that they somehow approached her out of several employees working at her company. She just declined a huge opportunity offered by a multi-national company and she didn't know why she did that. She was comfortable with her life here in Korea and was more than satisfied with what she had achieved. Moreover, she had many people she cared about here. People who made her smile, who made her happy and people whom she didn't want to leave. Baekhyun was one of them, whether she wanted to acknowledge this or not. She had grown quite attached to the man and his antics. Was it the man that she liked or the feeling when she was with him? She couldn't tell. Perhaps, it was both of the things that she liked.

She slapped herself to stop thinking of the things she still didn't want to get into and decided to send her presentation file to her senior. Her laptop was broken so she would have to use Baekhyun's but then that would mean she would have to interact with him which seemed the most beautiful as well as the most difficult task in hand for her. "It'll just be small talk. I'll ask him and he'll lend me his laptop. Nothing to be worried about." She spoke to herself and walked over to his room. The man opened the door after three knocks on the door. His hair was disheveled and he donned a pair of spectacles.

"Did I disturb you?" She asked when she saw a book in his hands. "No. It's alright." Baekhyun's eyes seemed sad so did his smile.

"I wanted to borrow your laptop. I had a report to send to my senior. Mine's not working."

"Yeah, sure." He went inside his room and carried the laptop in his hands. "Here." He handed her the laptop and passed her a short smile before closing the door. Sae Ri felt that something was wrong but decided to ignore it.

Sae Ri connected her pen drive to the laptop and switched on the Wi-Fi. Her back ached after having to type the report herself and editing it. Creating games was the fun part of her job but all the paperwork and written work were not. Her body didn't support her whenever it came to writing the report. She had done several presentations as much she hated them. It's not like she had a choice. A notification on Baekhyun's laptop startled her and she accidentally clicked it. The file opened and as much as she wanted to shut it down, her attention was drawn to the specific words in that document.

Baekhyun had to do it today. He has chosen today to tell her the truth. It was a perfect day. He felt warm today, the weather was so healing and he even made delicious breakfast today. He had decided to make this day painful for himself, punish himself for what he had done to himself, to her. He had no idea how to tell her. He had no courage to look her in the eyes. He had no love left to share. He took a deep breath and exhaled it calm himself down. He had his hand on the doorknob of the door of her bedroom. He just stood there trying to turn the doorknob but then the door suddenly opened itself revealing Sae Ri. Her eyes seemed betrayed and her body was trembling.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Sae Ri-"

"So everything you have ever done for me was just a pile of lies. That necklace, making breakfast and sharing the pain, was all of that crap you made up for your stupid novel?"

Baekhyun didn't know what to do. He wanted to tell her that all of it wasn't a lie. He had genuine feelings for and he cared about her but it didn't matter now that the cat was out of the bag.

"Please hear me out."

"You were one of the few people who I blindly trusted, Baekhyun. How could you do this to me?" She whispered the last sentence as tears cascaded down her cheeks, her lips tasting the salty flavor of betrayal. She shut the door behind her and locked herself in the room. Baekhyun released the breath he didn't even realize he was holding. His hands were trembling and his eyes couldn't stop releasing tears. He took support of the door behind him and slid down to sit. He brought his knees closer to his chest and placed his chin on it, praying for forgiveness.

Baekhyun had been staring at the ceiling for a number of hours he couldn't even count on his fingers. His eyes wouldn't stop picturing her face and his thoughts wouldn't let him sleep. Dark circles were visible on his face and the pain inside his body clutched his heart. His imbecility had killed him inside. He desperately wanted to see her. He wanted to tell her that she was not at fault and that it was his fault. He wanted to tell her he was in love, with her. He had lost the most precious jewel in this world. He had lost his heart. He had lost her trust. He couldn't stop worrying about her. He couldn't even look at her right now. He hated the fact that he was the one who caused her the pain. He had lost what could have been his.

He had tasted the love. The love which you don't even realize is love, the love which could be your forever and the love which causes nothing but agony to you. He wanted to reverse time and make amends. His story could have been amazing he had imagined, with the happily ever after but he was so wrong. He looked at the door which was locked indicating that she was inside. He knew that she was packing to leave and he didn't know where. He was a monster. He was an idiot, a bastard as Suho had called him when he found out. He sat down with his back against the door.

"I don't know if you're listening to this Sae Ri but if you are then I want to say that I'm sorry. I know that I don't even have the right to say sorry. I was too smitten by my ambition to write a story that I didn't even realize I would end up hurting someone. I thought love would always be roses and kisses you know, like they show in the movies, like how I write in the novels." He paused as he felt a lump forming in his throat. "I-I lied to you in the beginning but when I begin to realize how wrong I was to force upon others my feelings I stopped. I stopped writing the novel a long time ago. I began to realize how beautiful love is and it comes to you unexpectedly. I am not asking you for forgiveness, I don't deserve it. I just want you to remember that you don't deserve such treatment. You are the most beautiful color in my life and I don't regret spending a single moment with you."

She surely was the most beautiful color in his life but now his world was just black.

#baekhyun scenario #baekhyun fics #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyunxoc #exo

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ddreammcatcher · 5 years

Text

My true colors

A/N: This is my fourth entry for Criminal Minds Trope Bingo hosted by @cmbingo. I started writing this a while ago for someones writing challenge and never finished it, so I decided to finish it and post it here. This is the longest fic I’ve ever written. This isn’t really edited, so sorry about that.

Square filled: Bull pen/free space

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and self harm

Word count: 11038

Summery: When Garcias coworkers find out she has depression, her life changes

I had just gotten home and I could finally take off my armor and relax. Not real armor, just the armor I use to protect myself. My name is Penelope Garcia. At work I'm the happy bubbly one that everyone loves. They don't know the secrets and feelings I choose to hide from them. In all honesty, if they did, they would be afraid. Hell, I'm afraid of my own mind all the time. I decide to watch tv and binge eat ice cream for the rest of the night. Food and tv are two of the biggest things that have gotten me through the past couple months. I let the memories and tears come to me.

5 years ago

My mom had just gotten remarried. It was supposed to be a happy day, but for me it wasn't. I felt like I wasn't enough for her and that she needed more. It really hurt. I had two new stepbrothers. They didn't really seem to like me to start with, but they warmed up to me. We moved in together. They started their own new life that I never truly felt a part of. There were times when things were good when I felt like part of the family. Making homemade pizza… decorating cookies… picnics in the park… but the feelings never seemed to last. I always felt like the odd one out at the house. It probably had to do with the fact that I lived with my dad part time and they all lived there full time. I never really felt like i belonged. I tried talking to my mom about it, but she never seemed to understand. She told me that I could become part of the family, I just needed to participate more. Yet no matter what I tried, it was never enough.

My show ends, pulling me back to reality. I wipe away some of the tears and hit play on the next episode. I’m watching my favorite show, which I’ve seen a million times. It comforts me that's what I seem to need these days. As the theme music starts up, I float back to memories.

4 years ago

Since my mom got remarried, things have gotten worse and worse. I’ve become more distant and keep my feelings a secret. I don’t talk about them to anyone. Until one day when I get told to go talk to my counselor. For that first couple of weeks, we only talk about school stuff. Eventually I tell her how I’m feeling. She takes me to meet the school therapist. I realize that I was so nervous to meet her, but she changed my life so much. It turns out I have depression and anxiety. It’s a horrible combo and can make my life hell at times. My thoughts are horrible. Many times that year, I have suicidal thoughts. Some worse than others. The really bad ones end up with a trip to my therapists office even if I wasn’t scheduled to see her.

I’m crying really hard right now. I’m not really watching my show anymore. I’m just using it for background noise because it helps. I know that I owe my first therapist so much for helping me work through things and get to the point where I was able to graduate. She helped me get through when my step brother tried to kill himself. With that thought, I start crying harder and go back to that day.

3 years ago

It was a Friday. Me and my mom were sitting at home talking. She decided she wanted to talk about my depression and how it had been. I did NOT want to have that conversation. We have been talking for a little bit when her phone rings. I sigh in relief. It means that this conversation can be over. Sadly it's an unknown number, so she sends them to voicemail. We finally finish the horrible conversation and the phone rings again. My mom answers this time. Turns out its the police. One of my stepbrothers had climbed over the bridge above a highway. We went to the hospital to see him. He was in the hospital for a week. It was a horrible week for me and I was so glad when he came home.

My phone buzzes, making me jump. I’m crying really hard. So hard that I can’t read the notification on my phone. I wipe some of the tears away and see its a message from my boss. He wants to talk to me tomorrow morning. I grown. This is not a good sign. He has never asked me to meet with him like this. I go back to the day that I met him.

2 years ago

I had graduated high school 4 months ago. I had an interview for the first time in my life and I was so nervous. I sit in a waiting room. A man walks out. He's wearing a suit. That’s not the first thing I notice. The first thing I notice are his eyes. I can see the tension in them. He calls my name. I get up and walk up to him. “Penelope Garcia?” He asks sternly. “Yes, that's me.” I reply nervously. “I’m agent Hotchner.” He leads me into an office. I take a seat. He sits in the chair behind his desk. “I’ve seen your records. I think that you could have a place here. I need you to go through the academy before I can hire you.” His eyes have softened, which I take as a good sign. “I would love to be part of the team.” I say with a big smile. I spent the next year at the academy. Learning everything I could. Coding became my life. It became one of the few outlets I had when my depression got really bad.

My phone buzzes again. Its Hotch, my boss. He reassures me that it is nothing bad. It doesn’t really help. I still have no idea why he wants to talk to me. He doesn’t know about my depression. No one on my team knows about it. I go back to the first time I met them.

1 year ago

It was my first official day. I was nervous to meet the team, but also excited. I went to Hotch's office first to get my credentials. We talked over some basic things. Then we leave his office and he introduces me to the team. I know I have to be bubbly and I can’t let anyone see how my depression affects me. Derek Morgan is the first person I meet. He calls me baby girl, which I don’t know how to feel about. I guess it's kinda cute. Then I meet Emily Prentiss. She's sweet and pretty. She smiles at me and makes me relax somewhat. Then I meet Dave Rossi and Spencer Reid. Rossi takes me in a hug the moment he sees me. Reid is more withdrawn. I’m okay with that. Then JJ walks in and my whole world stops. She’s drop dead gorgeous. After meeting the team, Hotch shows me to my office. I walk in and it's amazing.

I come back from that memory a little bit happier. My phone buzzes. I see that it’s another message from Hotch. I sigh wondering what he could possibly want. It just says that he hopes i have a good night. I cry myself to sleep. It’s something that I’ve done every night for years.

Over the past year, I've grown close to the team. I know that they all care about me, but I still haven’t told anyone about my depression. I don’t want them to look at me differently because of it. Most days I’m able to control it. I know that my depression is never going to go away, but it's better than in high school. When it seems like I can’t control it, I hide in my office until I can control it. Today seems to be one of the days that it’s harder to control it. I know that i have to. At least until after my meeting with Hotch.

I walk in to the building somewhat nervous. I don’t know if I can do this, but I know that I have to. I drop off my stuff in my office and then go to Hotch's office. I knock when I get there and he opens the door immediately. I look in and see that JJ is in there as well. Their eyes have worry in them. Great, this is not going to be fun. “Whats up Hotch?” I ask as happily as possible. He takes a seat. “Have a seat Penelope.” He never calls me by my first name, which means this has to be serious. I take a seat. “Penelope, we are worried about you.” Hotch says softly. Fuck. How the hell did they figure it out? “I’m okay.” JJ just gives me this look. She speaks for the first time. “Penelope, I found this.” She hands me a note. I open it. Shit. It’s a suicide note I wrote a while ago. I completely forgot that I had it at work. I look at JJ and then at Hotch. They both have looks of worry. “I’m okay. I promise.” I say with a cheerful voice. “Penelope, this doesn’t seem like you are okay.” JJ says. Hotch just sits there and lets JJ talk to me.

I turn and walk out of his office and go to my office. I close the door behind me and lock it. I disable the passcode so no one can get in. They found out and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want them to know because they will treat me differently. My depression is just a part of me. My depression is not who I am. I’m crying and I hate it. There is a knock on the door, but I ignore it. I don’t want to talk to any of them. I just want to go home. I was doing such a good job of hiding it. How did things get this bad? I promised myself that my depression was not going to mess up this job, but it looks like it has.

My door is knocked on again. “Penelope, baby girl, let me in.” Derek says gently. “Go away!” I yell at him. I hear him gasp in shock. I never yell at people here. I guess everything is coming out today. I hear him walk away. A couple minutes later my door is knocked on again. “Penelope, its JJ. Let me in please? We don’t have to talk, just let me be with you.” I have been crying this whole time. The way she says it comforts me. It’s probably because she's a mom. I slowly open the door and let her in. I close it after her.

I go and sit on the couch I have in my office. JJ comes and sits next to me, but not touching me. I curl into a ball facing away from her. She puts her hand on my leg. When I don’t try to move away from her, she leaves it there. After awhile, she moves it up to my back and rubs circles on it. It’s actually really relaxing. We stay there for a while. Me crying and her rubbing my back. Eventually I sit up and look at her. “I’m really sorry.” I say as I brush away some left over tears. “Penelope, you never have to apologize for how you are feeling.” She says softly. “Okay.” I say. “Penelope, what's going on?” She asks gently. I know that telling her isn’t a good idea, but it’s what I need right now.

“You really want to know?” Ask quietly. “Penelope, I care about you. Of course I want to know.” She says it with confidence. “I have depression.” I say as I look down. “Penelope, look at me.” I look up. She’s not upset, she's just worried. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I hesitate. “Because everytime I tell someone I have depression, they treat me differently. I didn’t want that to happen with you guys.” I say as the tears start to fall again. “Penelope, we all know that depression is an illness. It’s not who you are. We already know who you are and we love you.” She says with a tone that says it’s not up for debate. “But this entire time I haven’t been honest with you guys.” I cry out. “Penelope, its okay. We all have been through things that we hide from each other.” She says calmly. “I doubt it.” I retort. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “My older sister killed herself when she was 16. I haven’t told anyone else that.” She says softly. I look at her and blink. “How have you kept that to yourself all this time?” I ask. “I’ve learned that it's part of me. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s a piece of me that hurts, but it's only a piece, not all of me.” She says. “You make it sound so easy.” I say. “It takes time and patience to get to this point.” she says.

I lean into her. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” I say quietly. She lets me lean on her. “It’s okay. You need to tell Hotch. Even if no one else on the team knows, he needs to.” She says. “Ugh. Fine.” I know it's the right thing to do, I just don’t want to do it. “Thank you Penelope. Do you want to do it in here or in his office?” She looks at me, knowing that if it's going to happen, I need to feel as safe as possible. “In here.” I say. She nods. “I’ll text Hotch to come here.” She says as she pulls out her phone. She texts him and a couple of minutes later the door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. I’m still sitting on the couch and JJ joins me on it. Hotch grabs the chair and brings it over near us. He’s still worried and its obvious. “Whats going on Penelope?” He asks gently. I look at JJ about to panic. She takes my hand and squeezes it. I take a deep breath. “I have depression.” I say quietly.

Hotch doesn’t say anything for a little bit. I look at him to see he isn’t surprised. Once I look at him, he starts talking. “Penelope, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He asks. “I didn’t want anyone to treat me different.” I say shakily. He just looks at me confused. “Usually when I tell people, they start acting differently. They act like I could break at any moment.” I say. He nods. “Penelope, you know I have to report this right?” He asks. “No. Please don’t.” I start crying. “Penelope, I need you to have a psych eval. Until then, you’re on probation. That means that you can’t work cases.” He says it sternly. “Hotch. How could you?!?” I shout. I’m pissed. “Get out!” I yell. “Okay.” He says calmly. He gets up and leaves.

JJ looks at me. “Don’t say it.” I say to her as I break down in tears. She just opens her arms to me. I curl myself into her embrace. I cry for a while. Once I’m done, I sit up and sit next to her. “Penelope, you know he just wants what's best for you.” She says gently. “I know. I just hate feeling this way.” I sigh. She nods. “You do need to be cleared before he will let you go back to work.” JJ says. “Ugh. I know.” I grown. “If you want, I could have someone come in and do it today.” JJ says gently. “I guess. I might as well.” I say as I’m still crying. “Okay. I’ll get Hotch to make the call. I’ll be right back.” She gets up and leaves. I know that this is what is best for me, but I don’t want to do it.

I need to go to the bathroom, which requires me to leave my room. On the way to the bathroom, I hear JJ and Derek talking. “JJ, what’s going on?” His voice has tension in it. “I can’t tell you.” She replies. “JJ, is she okay?” He asks. “I’m going to take care of her. I need to go talk to Hotch.” She replies sadly. She walks away and up the stairs to Hotch’s office. I turn and head into the bathroom. On the way back, I don’t see anyone, which I’m glad about. I have tear tracks down my face. I think about just leaving and going home. It might be better. Yet I also know that it would worry everyone. Still, it’s really tempting to just leave. I decide that I’m going to leave. I get my stuff and head towards the elevator. On my way there, Rossi sees me. “Hey Garcia, what's up?” He had just gotten there and has no idea what’s happening. I hear JJ’s voice as she leaves Hotch’s office. I squeak and duck in the elevator. Rossi puts his arm on the door to keep it open. “Garcia? What's wrong?” JJ is walking back towards my office when she hears Rossi say my name. She turns towards the elevator. When she walks up, she and Rossi make eye contact. “What’s up JJ?” Rossi asks curiously. “I need to talk to Penelope alone.” She says. Rossi nods and leaves.

“Garcia, what are you doing?” JJ asks worried. “I have to get out of here.” I say in a panic. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says. “I can’t do this right now.” I blurt. “Penelope, try to match your breathing with mine.” She says calmly. I listen to her and try to do it. It helps me calm down. “Okay. Now can we go back to your office and talk?” She asks. “Okay.” I say with a sigh. I follow her back to my office. I plop down on the couch. “I just want to go home and forget about today.” I say. “I know Penelope, but this is something you have to deal with.” She says softly. “I don’t f***ing want to!” I yell at her. She flinches a little bit. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says calmly. I do and it helps.

My door is knocked on. JJ gets up and opens it. Dr. Nelson walks in. I’ve never actually talked to her because my last psych eval was done at the academy. I know who she is because she came to see Reid and got lost, so I had to help her. “Hey Penelope, I hear you’re having a rough time right now.” She says gently. I scoff at her and roll my eyes. She and JJ share a look that says they both know that I’m not in a good place. “JJ, would it be possible for you to leave? I can come find you when I’m done.” She asks. “Sure.” JJ says and then she leaves. “Penelope, can you tell me what's going on?” She asks. Her voice is gentle, but I don’t say anything. I just cry again. She just sits there and lets me cry. After a while, the tears stop. “Penelope, Hotch told me you have depression. How long have you had it for?” She asks. “Four years.” I say bluntly. “Okay, have you ever had counselling for it?” She asks. I know she's just trying to get a foundation to go off of. “Yeah, for two years. I haven't seen a therapist since I graduated high school.” I say. She nods. She asks me a bunch of different questions. Finally we are done. “Here's what I want to do and I know you are not going to like it, so hear me out.” She looks at me until I nod. “I want you to see a counselor or therapist. Until they say, you are not cleared for duty.” “No. Not fair!” I interrupt. “I’m not done. Also, I want you to have someone stay at your house until the therapist or counselor sees fit.” “What? Why the f*** does someone need to stay with me?” I’m pissed. “Penelope, you wrote a suicide note. It is a serious deal. There is a therapist in the Bureau that I think you would get along with well. I’ll set up an appointment with her and then let you know when it is.” She states. “Fine. Just leave me alone.” I snap. “Okay. I’m going to let Hotch know what I’ve decided. He can decide who stays with you.” She says.

When she leaves, JJ comes back in. “Feeling any better?” JJ asks. “Go the f*** away!” I yell at her. When I get mad I get pissed, which makes me yell at people. She flinches. “I’m not going .

anywhere Penelope.” She states. We just sit there in silence. I’m pissed and I don’t want to talk about it. About 20 min later, my door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. “JJ, can Penelope and I talk alone?” Hotch asks. “Sure.” She gets up and leaves.

“Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. She told me that she wants someone to be with you at all times. I think that it would be best if JJ stays with you.” He says. “Hotch. Please don’t do this. I’m okay. I promise. JJ needs to work on cases.” I say. It comes out in one breath. “Penelope, this is not a request. It is going to happen. It's more important that you are safe then for JJ to work cases.” He's tense and I know that it's not up for debate. “Fine!”

That night, JJ comes home with me. Before we go home, we go to her house so she can get some of her stuff. When we get to my house, I go to my room and close the door, JJ opens it seconds later. “Penelope, Dr.Nelson wants me to search your room for anything you could use to hurt yourself.” JJ says gently. “This is exactly what I was worried about. People treating me like I’m going to break.” I spout. “Penelope, I’m just worried about you. I promise that this doesn’t change how I see you.” She says with force. “Okay.” She searches my room and then leaves me alone for the rest of the night.

The next day, I drag myself out of bed and to the therapists. I really don’t want to be here. A woman walks out. “Penelope?” I get up and walk up to her. I follow her back to her office. I take a seat on the couch. “Hi. I’m Abby. How are you today?” I decide it's time to put my armor back on. “I’m doing great.” I say. She makes a face that says she knows I’m lying. Then she writes something down. “Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. I want you to be able to be honest with me.” She says kindly. I don’t trust her yet, so there is no way that I am letting her in. “Penelope, why did you write a suicide note?” She asks gently. “When can I go back to work?” I ask with a happy tone. She sighs. “Penelope, you can’t go back to work until you work through some of the stuff you are dealing with.” “I’m not dealing with anything, I’m doing great.” I’m not going to let her get inside no matter how much she tries.

We don’t get very far in that session. We don’t get anywhere for awhile. I keep her out and put up my armor. She keeps trying to get in, but it doesn’t get anywhere. It’s been two weeks and nothing has changed. I spend my days watching tv and binge eating. I go to therapy twice a week. I know that this is no way to live my life, but right now I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with any of this. I just want to back to being the perky happy person that everyone knows. I know that it isn’t who I really am, but at least my life had a purpose. Right now, there is no purpose. I’m staying alive for my team. The fact that JJ confiscated all of the things I could use to hurt myself that were in my house makes it harder to do anything.

JJ talks to Hotch almost everyday. I know that the two of them are worried about me. I’ve tried to make JJ go back to work multiple times, but she won’t budge. She spends her days with me, trying to help however she can. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t want help. I just want to forget about this. I want to push the rewind button and go back to before any of this happened. I know that things are never going to go back to the way they were and that bugs me.

At my next therapy sessions, Abby finally gets me to say something other than my normal perky responses. “Penelope, at some point you are going to have to deal with this. You can’t keep living your life like this.” She says. “Why not? It’s not like I have any purpose anymore.” I say it before I think it through. I really wish I could take it back. “Penelope, why do you think you don't have a purpose any more?” She asks. I can’t decide if I should let her in or if I should keep her out. I decide not to say anything else. We only have a couple of minutes left. I’ll figure out what I want in the next couple of days. “Okay Penelope, we will continue this conversation on Thursday.” She states. I get up and walk out.

JJ follows me back to the car. We go back home. When we get there, I go in my room and close the door. JJ has come to realize that when I close my door, I want to be alone. There are days when I will leave it open or hang out in the living room. Those are my good days. Even if I don’t want to admit it, I know I’m not in a good place. It might be time to let Abby in and start to deal with some of my stuff. I don’t know. The last person I let in hurt me. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that risk again. Yet it might be helpful to get some of my issues out of my head. I’m scared to talk about my problems because that means that they are real.

I wonder out to the kitchen to find food. I hear JJ on the phone in the other room. She doesn’t know that I left my room. “I know Hotch. What else can we do though?” Then there's a pause. “Okay. We can talk about this on Friday.” JJ has a tone that she says she's not happy about where the conversation is going. “Hotch, we can’t force her to do anything. She needs to do this at her own pace. I’ll talk to Abby thursday night and see what she thinks. I’ll talk to you later.” JJ hangs up and doesn’t move. I grab a bag of chips and go back to my room.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. I’ve decided that I need to open up at least a little bit. I go back to her office and take a seat. “Hi Penelope. How are you today?” She asks. I know she’s expecting my normal response of ‘I’m great’. “I’m okay. I’ve been better.” I sigh. I can see the shock in her eyes. “Okay. I thought we could start where we left off last time. You said you had no purpose. Why do you think this?” She asks. I sigh. “Because I can’t do anything right.” I say. I can feel the tears that are ready to fall. Stupid tears, they are going to give me away. I still haven’t decided how much I want to let her in. “Penelope, why do you feel like you can’t do anything right? You got in to the FBI.” She says cautiously. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. She just lets me sit there and cry. After a while, the tears slow to a stop. I sniffle and then look at her. “Penelope, I know that you have kept others out for so long.” She says. “I don’t want anyone to think that I’m weak.” I blurt. “Penelope, the bravest thing you can do is to let others in. You are showing them your darkest thoughts,” She says kindly. “I don’t know if I can do that.” I sniffle. “That’s okay. We don’t have to rush it. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?” I guess I can tell her why I don’t want to talk about things. “I don’t want to talk about what’s happened in the past because that means that they are real.” I say slowly. She makes a confused look. “Okay, that’s all the time we have today. I’ll see you monday.” I get up and walk out.

I walk out and see JJ and Hotch sitting there. “What’s going on?” I ask. I’m worried about what they are going to say. “Hey Penelope. Hotch wanted to talk to Abby and we were just catching up before you were done.” JJ responds. “Okay. Can we leave now JJ?” I ask. I’m about to cry and I would really like to do it in my bed and not in the FBI. “Sure. I’ll talk to you later Hotch.” JJ says. We get in the elevator to leave. We stop on the floor the BAU is on and I hold my breath. When the doors open, Derek is standing there. I make eye contact and then lower my head. His eyes having worry and sadness in them. He gets in and we ride in silence for a while. Then Derek starts talking. “Hey baby girl. I miss you and your teasing.” Once he says that, I break down in tears. He looks at JJ in confusion.

The elevator stops on the floor above the lobby. I quickly get off and run for the safety of an office I know is never used. I hear JJ shout at me to stop, but I just keep going. Once I get to the office, I close the door and curl up into a ball. Opening up to Abby was emotionally draining. I know that it was good and was going to have to happen at some point. The door opens and JJ comes in. “Hey Penelope, what happened?” She asks. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. “Should I go get Abby?” She asks. I shrug. It might be good to talk to her. Yet I don’t want to let her in and her seeing me like this would force me to explain it to her. “Penelope, how can I help you?” She asks quietly. I shrug again. Her phone buzzes repeatedly, which means she’s getting a call. “I’ll be right back.” She says.

She closes the door, but I can still hear her. “Hey Hotch.” Then there’s a pause. “No, we didn’t even make it to the car. Derek got in the elevator with us and tried to talk to her. She broke down crying.” She sighs and listens to what he has to say. “In an office on the second floor.” She says. Then there is another pause. “I don’t know. I asked her if she wanted me to get Abby and she just shrugged. I don’t know what we should do.” She sighs. Then there is a long pause. “Okay. Let's give it a shot, but it could go very badly.” She hangs up and walks back in. She looks at me. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.” She says. I shrug. My tears have pretty much stopped. Abby walks in a little bit later. I ended up in a corner in a ball on the floor. When she comes in, JJ leaves. She comes and sits by me. “Hey Penelope, I heard things didn’t go well after you left. Do you want to talk about it?” She asks. I shake my head no. “Okay, that's fine.” She leans against a couch that is in the room. We just sit there for a while. Eventually I uncurl and look at her. “Whats going on?” She asks. It’s not demanding. It's more like she’s wondering and isn’t going to push me to tell her. I sigh. “I’m emotionally drained.” I mutter. She nods. “That makes sense Penelope. You kept people out for years and you started to open up to me. It’s going to be exhausting.” She says kindly. Hearing that helps a lot. “I think I’m ready to go home.” I say. She nods. We get up and walk out together.

That night, I just go to my room and curl up on the bed. I watch The Office, which helps. The next few days, I talk to JJ a little bit. I can’t let her in yet, but I know she cares. On sunday, we watch a movie together. We haven’t done that ever. Usually I just go in my room to watch movies. We end up falling asleep on the couch together. I wake up halfway through the night screaming. This is something that I’ve gotten used to by now. I focus on my breathing and try to get it and my heart rate back to normal. My scream woke JJ up. “Penelope, what's wrong?” She asks worried. “It’s fine JJ, go back to sleep.” I say with a yawn. “Penelope, you woke up screaming. That’s not normal.” She says concerned. I sigh. “It’s normal for me. It happens almost every night.” She looks really concerned. “JJ, I’ve learned to live with them.” I say tiredly. “You shouldn’t have to deal with them.” She says sadly. “It’s okay JJ.” I get up and go climb in my own bed.

The next morning, I wake up to find JJ still asleep on the couch. I smile at how peaceful she is. She’s been so stressed over me the past couple of weeks. I wish she could be this peaceful all the time. I look at the clock and realize it’s already 10:35. I have therapy and 11 and it takes 15 min to drive there. I decide not to wake up JJ. She looks so peaceful. I get ready and then get in my car. It takes me a few minutes to be able to turn the car on. I drive to the FBI fine. I know the route by heart.

When I get there, I end up in the elevator with Hotch. “Hey Penelope, where's JJ?” He looks worried. “She was asleep when I needed to leave, so I just let her sleep.” He sighs and looks annoyed. He doesn’t get off at the BAU, but comes up with me. I get off and he follows me. I turn to face him. “Hotch, I’m fine. I’m not going to hurt myself, I promise.” I see the corners of his mouth turn upward. Abby walks out and takes in the scene. “Hey Penelope.” “Hey.” I follow her back to her office. Once we sit down, she looks at me in confusion. “Where’s JJ?” She wonders. “At home asleep. I left her a note.” I say. She sighs. “Penelope, we talked about this. She’s there to make sure you’re safe.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not a child, I can take care of myself.” I pout. She smiles. “Penelope, do you think you are able to keep yourself safe without JJ there?” She asks. “Yes, I do.” I say with confidence. “Okay, I’ll think about reducing the time she’s with you. Now we need to talk about what happened on Thursday.” She says.

I grown. “I know you don’t want to talk about it Penelope, but we need to. What did Derek say to you?” She asks. How does she know about Derek? JJ must have talked to her. I sigh. “He told me he missed me and my teasing.” I choke on the words. “Why does that hurt you so much?” She asks. I don’t say anything for a while and she doesn’t push me to talk. Finally I talk. “Because that’s who I was when I was hiding my depression. I don’t want that to change, but I’m afraid it will once he learns about my depression.” I say. She nods. “Do you think he would care? He knows you.” She says. “He doesn’t know me with my depression.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, JJ told me that you know your depression is just a part of you and not who you are. What if he sees it that way as well?” I sigh. “I don't know. I’m not ready to take the step.” I say. “Okay, that’s fine.” I look at the clock. “I guess we are out of time.” I say with relief. “Yes, we are. I want you to think about how Derek would feel if you told him. I’m not saying do anything, just think about it.” She smiles. “Thank you for opening up to me.” I nod. I get up and leave.

I walk out to see Hotch. “Hey Hotch. I’m fine. I promise.” I say. He looks at me. “JJ called me when she woke up. She was worried about you. I told her that you were here and that calmed her down.” He says. “I didn’t mean to worry her. I just didn’t see the point of waking her up just to drive me here.” I sigh. He smiles. It’s a small one, but it’s the first one I’ve see from him in a long time. “Okay. I need to go talk to Abby. I’ll see you later.” He says. I take the elevator down and don’t run into anyone from the BAU, which I’m glad about. I start my car and drive back home.

I get home and JJ is sitting on the couch flipping through channels. “Hey JJ, sorry I worried you. I didn’t mean to. You just looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to wake you.” I say quickly before she can say anything. She smiles. “That’s fine.” Two smiles in a day and Abby will see about reducing how often JJ is with me. It’s been a good day and it’s only noon. I smile. It's just a small one, but it is the first real one I have had in a long time. Things finally seem like they are getting better.

I stop closing my door as often. I still have my bad days where I hide in my room, but they are less often than they were before. JJ is still at my house full time. I want her to go home, but I know she won’t. Wednesday afternoon I plop down next to JJ on the couch. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She’s become a little less worried about me since Monday. I know that Hotch talked to Abby and must have told JJ about it. I’m glad that she isn’t as worried about me. I have a feeling that she will always worry about me a little bit, but I don’t want it to be all she thinks about.

“JJ, I’m really sorry I’ve worried you so much. I never wanted to worry you.” I say. She just looks at me. She’s not mad at me. “Penelope, I worry because I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve already lost one person that I love and I don’t want to lose another one.” She says sadly. I know that she’s thinking about her sister. She must really miss her. “Okay. I care about you. The BAU and our family is the main thing that kept me going.” I say with a sigh. “Penelope, they are worried about you. Especially Derek.” She says. I sigh. “I know, but I’m not ready to tell them yet.” I say. She nods. “That’s fine. Take your time. I’m glad you are starting to open up to me and Abby more.” She says with a small smile.

The next two weeks go by quickly. I go to therapy and open up completely to Abby. It feels really good to get stuff off of my chest. JJ knows some of what I’ve been through. She’s still living at my house, but it no longer bugs me. I want to go back to work so badly. I’m not ready to tell the team what’s been going on, but I want to go back to coding and helping people.

One night I steal JJs computer and do some coding on it. It feels so good and relaxing. JJ walks in on me when I’m doing it and smiles. She doesn’t say anything, just leaves me to do my thing. The next day I go to therapy. I have a small smile on my face. I go back to her office. “Hey Abby.” I say. She looks up. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She notices the smile on my face. “I did some coding last night.” She frowns. “Penelope, was it for the BAU?” She asks. “No. I didn’t look at any cases.” I say. She relaxes. “That’s good. How do you feel about JJ still living with you?” She asks curiously. I shrug. “It’s fine. I don’t really care about it.” I reply. She smiles. “Okay. I think it’s time for JJ to stop living with you.” She says. “What?” I say with shock. “Yeah. You’re doing really well and have opened up a lot. I feel like you would be able to reach out to someone if you were having a really hard time.” She says. “Okay. That sounds good.” I reply happily. “Now, have you thought about telling the rest of the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I don’t know. I know that I need to tell them at some point, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.” She nods.

I walk out of her office in a good mood. Hotch is sitting in the waiting room. “Hey Penelope, you look good.” He says with a smile. “Thanks Hotch. It’s been a good couple of days.” I say happily. Hey looks at me with a look I haven’t seen from him ever. Relief. He can tell that things are getting better and knows that I’m at a better place in my life. Abby comes out. “Hey Hotch.” She says with a small smile. “Hey Abby. I see that things are going well.” He replies. “Yeah, lets go talk in my office.” They walk away. I walk to the elevator with a little more energy in my step. The elevator stops at the floor the BAU is on to let people off. I make eye contact with Derek for a second or two and then the doors close.

When I get home, I find JJ on the phone. I sit on the couch until she gets off the phone. She comes in and sits down. “Hey Penelope, that was Hotch.” She says a little sadly. I look at her in confusion. “I thought you would be thrilled to go home.” I say quietly. She sighs. “I am thrilled to go home, but not because I want to be apart from you. I’m thrilled because it means that you are doing better. I’ve really enjoyed being with you.” She looks at me. I nod. “That makes sense. I’ve enjoyed having you here as well, but I’m ready to be on my own again. Even if it’s only to prove to myself that I can be.” I say. She nods and gives me a side hug. “I understand. I’ll leave tomorrow.” She says sadly.

That night, me and JJ just hang out. We both know that it's going to feel weird for a while. We have been living together for almost a month. I know that this is an amazing step in my journey. Later in the evening, Derek texts me. It’s short and sweet. It simply says ‘Hey baby girl. It was good to see you today.’ It makes me smile. I sigh in confusion. I want to tell him, but I’m still afraid of how he is going to react. I know that I am going to have to tell the team at some point. I know that in order to do it, I’m going to have to tell Derek first.

JJ leaves the next morning. It feels really weird to be in my house alone. The next couple of weeks go slowly. Mostly all I do is go to therapy. JJ and Hotch check up on me, but they know I’m doing okay. It takes a month after JJ left for me to be okay with the idea of telling Derek about what I’ve been going through. I know that I’m going to need Abby’s help if I am going to be able to do it.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. “Hey Abby.” I say as I plop down. She looks at me confused. My voice lost the excitement it had last time. “Hey Penelope, what’s going on?” She asks cautiously. I sigh. “I am super bored. I want to go back to work so badly.” I whine. She smiles. “Not yet Penelope, I’m not sure if you are ready to.” She says gently. I sigh. “Okay.” I say. “Have you put any more thought into telling the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I know that I need to tell Derek before I tell the rest of the team.” I say. “Okay, do you know when you want to do that?” She asks. I sigh. “Can we do it now?” I ask quietly. “Sure. If you want to do that, we can. Do you want to do it in here?” She knows that this is going to be hard. “Yeah.” I say. “Okay. I’ll call him.”

She picks up the phone and finds his number. “Hey Derek. I was wondering if you could come to my office?” She says. There’s a pause. “No, nothing's wrong.” There’s another pause. “See you soon.” She hangs up. He’s on his way up. I nod. Her door is knocked on a couple of minutes later. She opens the door to him. When he sees that I am in there, he smiles, but I can tell that he's still worried and sad. “Hey baby girl.” He says. He chokes on his words. “Hey. I have something to tell you.” I say. I’m nervous. He takes a seat. “What’s up?” He says with concern. I take a deep breath. “Derek, I have depression.” I say. He takes a minute to process. “Thank you for telling me baby girl. Is there anything I can do to help?” He says. “Just don’t treat me differently?” I ask. He smiles. “Of course. You’re my baby girl and nothing changes that. Are you worried that I’m going to treat you differently?” He asks with confusion. I nod. “Penelope, depression is a part of you. It isn’t all of who you are. You are still the same person that I know and love.” He says with certainty. “Okay. Thank you.”He leaves after that and I sigh with relief. Abby looks at me. “How did that feel?” She asks. “It felt really good.” I say with a smile. “Good. I will see you on Monday.” She says. I get up and leave.

The next week on Thursday, I walk out of therapy to see both Derek and Hotch sitting in the lobby. “Hey guys, what’s up?” I ask nervously. “I’m really glad you told me baby girl.” Derek says. I can tell that he has been hurting not knowing what’s been going on with me. Hotch looks at me with pride. “I’m going to talk to Abby and see about you coming back to work after your Monday session.” He says. I look at him with surprise. “I’m not really sure If I’m ready for that.” I say. “Just think about it okay?” Hotch says with a smile.

The next few days I spend my time trying to figure out how I feel about going back to work. I know that I want to, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to. On Monday, I go to therapy, knowing that we are going to talk about going back to work. “Hey Abby. I say with a sigh. “Hey Penelope. I heard Hotch talked to you about going back to work. How do you feel about that?” She asks. I sigh. “I want to go back, but I don’t know if I am ready to. I feel like I’m still not stable enough to go back to work.” I say. She smiles. “Penelope, two months ago, you couldn’t tell anyone about your depression. Look at where you are now.” She says. I pause and think about what she said. “True, but going back to work means that I deal with cases again.” I say with a sigh. “Are you worried about them triggering you?” She asks gently. “Yeah. You know how much I’ve been through with my family. Some of the cases are really hard for me to deal with.”

She nods. “Do you think you would be able to use your coping skills or reach out when things are getting worse?” She asks. I shrug. “Penelope, I know things with your family haven’t been easy for a while now. I also know that you felt like you found a family when you joined the BAU.” She replies. “Yeah, I have. Which makes it hard. I don’t know if I’m ready to face them yet. I haven’t talked to some of them since this stuff started.” I say. “Okay. What if you did something else with them before you went back to work? Something fun that you all enjoy. That way you could see them and get more comfortable with them before you have to deal with cases as well?” She asks. “That might work. I guess I’m just scared to see them again.” I say with a sigh. “Why are you scared to see them?” She asks. I sigh and roll my eyes. She’s really annoying right now. “Because I kept all of them out of what has been going on with me. If they are my family, then I should have been honest with them.” She looks at me. I know that she’s going to play devil's advocate. “They are your family. The should be understanding of what’s been going on. Family doesn’t have to be blood. It just has to be someone who will support you.” She says. I smile slightly. “Okay, I’ll think about doing something with them.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you on thursday.”

I get up and leave. In the lobby, I stop. I know that if something is going to happen, I’m going to need JJ to be there. For that to happen, I’m going to have to get Hotch to help me set it up.I could text her. Or I could just stop by her office. I know they are not on a case right now. I guess I’m going to have to face the BAU again at some point. I take the elevator and get off at the BAU floor. I walk up to the doors and stop. I decide that I should talk to Hotch first. I take a deep breath and pull the doors open. I don’t stop to talk to anyone. I walk straight to Hotch’s office. I knock on his door. “Come in.” I open the door and he glances up. When he sees that it's me, he quickly closes the folder. It’s probably case related and I’m still not cleared for duty.

He looks up at me. “Hey Penelope, what's up?” He asks confused. I take a seat. This is going to take a while. “I want to have a get together before I go back to work, but I’m not sure how to set it up. I feel weird asking people.” I say with a sigh. He thinks for a little while. “We could have it at my place and I could invite everyone.” I sigh. “That would be amazing. When do you think we could do it?” I ask. “Well, right now we are not on a case. Who knows when that’s going to change. Let's do it tomorrow night.” He says. I nod. “Thank you Hotch.” “No problem.”

While I’m waiting for the elevator, Derek walks up to me. “Hey baby girl, whats up?” “Just went to talk to Hotch.” I say with a sigh. “Okay. Everything alright?” He asks. “Yeah. its fine.” I sigh. Luckily the elevator comes then. Derek gets on it with me. We ride in silence. I’m really glad when we get off.

I go home and fall on the couch. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I know it has to happen at some point. The rest of the day, I just watch tv. The next morning I wake up anxious. I do not want to go to this get together. I know it will be good to see them. I’m just not sure I’m ready to. I sigh and get out of bed. I take a shower for ½ an hour. I cry most of the time I’m in the shower. I decide that I need to talk to Abby about this. I get ready to go and drive to the FBI. I manage to get up to her floor without running into anyone.

I knock on her door. She opens it and looks concerned. “Penelope, what’s up?” I sigh. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I mumble. “Do what?” She asks with curiosity. “Go see my team members again.” I say quietly. She nods. “When are you seeing them?” “Tonight.” I sigh. “Okay, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” She asks. I sigh. “They could all be upset at me and not want to talk to me.” I say with a sigh. She looks at me with a look that makes me reconsider. “Are you sure about that?” She asks. I sigh. “No. I’m pretty sure they will care about me and be happy to see me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Are you worried about them asking where you have been?” She asks. I nod quickly. “Okay, I understand not knowing how to answer them. You don’t have to tell them what’s been going on.” She says. I look at her annoyed. “They deserve to know. They care about me and have been worried.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, it’s up to you, but you need to be comfortable with them. How about telling them that you have been taking time for yourself? Eventually you can tell them the truth if you want.” She says. I nod. “I think I can do that.” She smiles. “Feel better?” “Somewhat. I think I’m ready to do this now.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you in a couple of days.” She says. I nod and get up and walk out.

That evening, I go over to hotch's house. I get there before anyone else. “Hey Hotch, is everyone coming?” I ask nervously. “Yeah. Neither JJ or Derek have told any of them what has actually been going on. It’s up to you how much you tell them.” He says confidently. I nod. The doorbell rings. Hotch goes and gets it and JJ walks back in with him. “Penelope, I didn’t expect to see you here.” She says surprised. I smile. Hotch chuckles. “This was her idea.” Hotch says. JJ looks at me in amazement. “You’re ready to see everyone again?” She asks. I nod. “Yeah, I am.” The doorbell rings again. When Hotch returns, Emily and Dave are with him. When Dave sees me, he gives me a big hug. “It’s good to see you kiddo. How have you been?” He asks kindly. “It's good to see you as well. I’ve been doing pretty well. How have you been?” I say with a smile. He smiles at me. “I’ve been pretty good. It’s great to see you.” He says.

Once everyone gets there, we eat dinner. The rest of the night is upbeat and relaxed. I don’t tell them what’s been going on. I just tell them that I’ve been taking some time for myself. Everyone is happy to see me. We end up hanging out late in to the night. We laugh and tell jokes. We talk about what I’ve missed in people's personal lives. I leave feeling happy and content. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. It’s nice, just weird. I know that this what a healthy life is like. Hanging out with friends, feeling happy, having fun.

The next day I just hang out at home. I’m so bored. On Thursday I go to therapy. Once I take a seat on the couch, we start talking. “Hey Penelope, how was it seeing your coworkers?” She asks in an upbeat tone. “It was good. They were all happy to see me.” I say with a small smile. “That’s good. Do you feel more comfortable being around them now?” She asks. “Yes. It felt really good to be with them.” I say with a smile. She nods. “Do you think you are ready to go back to work?” She asks. I look at her for a little bit. “Yeah, I guess.” I say slowly. “Good. I think that you are as well. As long as you continue to see me, you are cleared for duty.” She says with a big smile. I smile. “Thank you Abby.” I say softly. “Don’t thank me. You did all of the work. I’ll let Hotch know today. Also, you still have to see me. You can’t skip just because I cleared you for duty.” She says sternly. I laugh. “Okay. I promise I will still come.” I say. “Good. Now, I’ll see you on Monday.” She says with a small smile. I nod and leave.

I go home in a good mood. I’m cleared for duty. That means I can go back to work. It means that I don’t have to be home alone all the time anymore. Hotch texts me that night and asks when I want to start again. I tell him that I’ll start on Monday after I see Abby. That gives me the weekend to get used to the fact that I’m going back to work. Friday and the weekend I just hang out at home. JJ comes over and we watch a movie and order pizza.

On monday, I pack my bag for work. I go to the FBI and go see Abby. “Hey Penelope, did you start back to work yet?” She says with a small smile. “No. I’m starting today.” I say. “How do you feel about that?” She asks. “I’m nervous. I know that my coworkers care about me and want to see me. Yet I’m still worried about what they think of me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Do you really have anything to worry about?” She asks. I sigh. “I guess not. I know that everything will be fine, but I worry that it won’t.” I say. “It’s okay to be worried. Just don’t let it control you or what you do.” She says. “Okay. I think I’m ready for this.” I say. “Alright. I’ll be here all day, so if you need to talk just come on up. Otherwise I’ll see on Thursday.” She says. “Okay. I’ll see you later.” I get up and take the elevator down to the BAU.

I walk to my office and turn on the lights. The last time I was in here I cried so much. I just stand there and take it in for a couple of minutes. My door opens pulling me back to reality. Hotch walks in. He’s smiling. I know that he’s proud of me. “Hey. If you need to at any point feel free to go talk to Abby.” He says. I know that he’s trying to make this as easy for me as possible. I nod. “Thanks Hotch.” I say. “Anyway, we have a case.” He says with tension. “Okay.” I say. I follow him into the conference room.

Two months later

Things have been going pretty well. I’m down to seeing Abby once a week instead of twice. I’ve been coping with working cases really well. Nothing has been too triggering. I hang out with my coworkers. I don’t hide behind my mask of happiness anymore. My coworkers are okay with that and realize that being happy all the time isn’t the real me. I’m okay with being a little more open now. JJ comes over every couple of days when she isn’t working a case.

The next case we get is a really bad one. The couple was forced to kill themselves. Hotch leaves JJ behind and I know it’s for my sake. She hangs out in my office for a while. My depression is pretty bad and I know it has to do with this case. Once JJ leaves, I lock the door so I can just be alone for a little bit. I just sit there staring into space. I’m trying not to break down in tears. It doesn’t work. I end up crying. I hate that I’m crying again. JJ knocks on my door. “Penelope, let me in please.” she says with worry. I get up and open the door for her. She can see I’m crying. “Penelope, go talk to Abby.” she states. I nod and walk to the elevator.

When I get to her office, I knock. She opens the door immediately. “Hey Penelope, what's going on?” She asks with worry. I plop down on the couch. I’m crying and not talking. “Penelope, does this have to do with the case you're working?” She wonders. I nod. “Okay, do you want to tell me about it?” She asks gently. I take a deep breath and talk through the tears. “The couple was forced to kill themselves.” I shutter. “Okay, how has this case made you feel?” She asks. I look at her and roll my eyes. “Seriously? How do you think it has made me feel?” I say with sarcasm. She raises an eyebrow. I sigh. “It’s been really hard and it’s bringing back things I hadn’t thought about in a while.” I continue to cry. She nods.

“Do you think it would be a good idea to hand this case off to someone else?” She asks. I know that she's worried about me. “No.” I say sternly. “Why not? There’s nothing wrong with asking for help Penelope.” She says softly. “I’m going to have to deal with hard cases. I can’t hand them off to someone else every time it's hard.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, its one case, not the rest of your career.” I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t want to have to give up any of them. I want to be able to deal with them. I managed to do it before, I know I can do it again.” I say sternly. She gives me a look that says ‘seriously, is this how you want to play it?’ I sigh. “I know how I dealt with things before wasn’t the right way to do it. I just want to be able to prove that I’m okay and can do my job.” I state. “Who are you trying to prove that to? You’ve been working cases for two months now. All of your coworkers that i’ve talked to are proud of you. They can see that you are meant for this job.” I sigh. “I guess I’m trying to prove it to myself. That I can be good enough at something.” I say. “Penelope, you work for the FBI. It’s one of the hardest places to get accepted at. Why do they think they chose you?” She asks. I shrug. “I don’t really know.” She makes eye contact with me. “They chose you because you are the best at what you do.” I let it sink in for a little bit. “Okay.” I say. “Do you believe me?” She asks. I nod. “Alright. Do you think you’re okay to go back to work?” She wonders. “Yes, I do.” I say confidently. “Okay. Come back up if you need to talk more.” She says. I nod as I get up and leave.

After talking to her, I feel better. The rest of the case is tough. I manage to get through it. It’s painful and I cry more than I thought I would. Yet I make it through. The case ends with the bad guy being killed when he tried to shoot Derek. I feel a little bit better knowing that he isn’t alive anymore and can’t hurt people that way again. The whole case brought up memories for me that I didn’t really want to deal with. I know that I’m always going to have memories and feelings that I don’t want to deal with. This case proved that I am able to deal with whatever comes my way. For the first time in a long time I feel content with who I am and what version of myself I show to the world.

#cmbingo19 #Penelope Garcia #aaron hotchner #Jennifer Jareau #derek morgan #Criminal Minds #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #therapy #depression #Suicide #self harm

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wileds · 6 years

Note

so does he have a lower opinion of faunus since a lot of his houses help were faunus

wakes up early, sees this in my email notifs, hewwo ??

i can’t emphasize enough that love grew up a bit sheltered especially in the years immediately after he came into his semblance. his power is activated by shedding blood and being exposed to it. it was not a pleasant experience and it had real legal ramifications between the victim and love (a minor at the time of course) which brought on a surge of protectiveness from his parents as well as them using their political/social clout to win a favorable solution for love, basically sweeping the event under the rug, while also keeping love ignorant about what exactly happened to the person. which is why i still say that he has no criminal record. quite a bad idea in hindsight - love feels certain that he killed them and he was not given the chance to personally apologize to the family for it, if they would even have him at this point, and all of this began his feelings of shame around his semblance alongside its celebration from his tribe as a mark of charisma / a good warrior / what have you, which is why i’m always inches away from saying that love has a bit of a complex around his affinity which is … pretty unfortunately janus-faced when you really think about the contrary natures of his supposed fate: greatness or madness, or greatness even in madness - greatness is the central destiny here, the contrariness bolstered by stories of previous inheritors of their hereditary semblance who always fell into one of the two categories. the inheritor immediately before him was for sure bloodmad. which doesn’t help matters. love has a feeling that he would become so too if he fully indulged his semblance. maybe that’s paranoia or the aforementioned shame talking, but whatever, it’s genuinely how he feels.

why am i talking about semblance again.

back to the point, he was sheltered more after this event. a lot of the house help and hires were faunus so he did spend a lot of time with them when his parents were busy. yes seeing faunus in certain roles affected him, i know how iffy it can sound to say ‘i have a __ friend so i understand ___!’ or ‘i know many __, so __!’ his curiosity about some faunus traits will come across as ignorant or even affronting if done in the wrong way. and a question like ‘can i touch it?’ always vacillates between ok and wtf no. but in actuality he typically doesn’t bring attention to faunus traits at all because then he knows he won’t make a social faux pas and he’s taken way too many etiquette classes to blunder too badly at this point idk how he was as a kid, he was a fucking handful. but today he is a naturally sensitive person. has more tact than you might expect from his abundance. he’s not afraid to apologize or be corrected, at any rate. tends to notice/comment on someone’s overall attractiveness rather than specifics (he takes note of people’s attractiveness like people do the weather. it’s just a part of how he meets someone and it doesn’t need to mean anything). there’s no intentional othering going on when he thinks of faunus or meets one. also like … i’m sure historical figures such as the faunus queen of vacuo who led during the great war + the apparent egalitarianism of the society (but is it tho) has introduced some levity into vacuoan society and into love’s mind even if through history books or lessons or moments of exposure. going too far into the i don’t see species i see people direction is also an issue (kind of like the i don’t see color argument which negates imp history, current social/criminal/etc injustices, prejudice & racism, etc). but. i answered this ask a year ago and it’s still faithful to his attitude.

… after going to shade academy he at least feels ok to ask mai and aris questions too lol, rip if he’s ever said anything awkward or offensive to them. i am sure he has been offensive due to some part of his upbringing.

that said, all of the faunus in love’s life were not in subservient roles while growing up. some of his most impactful tutors were/are faunus. including one of his primary weapons & combat trainers who i am currently trying to create. her name is leila and she’s one of the lakhdari’s (alt name for the akhdar clan which his tribe belongs to) most formidable warriors. even though she flitted in and out of love’s life because she needed to go and kick ass somewhere, she is like one of his most favorite people ever. not pictured: little love, an only child, precocious and celebrated and sometimes feared with very few friends his own age, telling his badass adult trainer that they’re friends now ok? can i visit? what’s your scroll number? then they actually became friends and leila is always like, well, alright i guess. leila is an arabian oryx whose faunus trait are those horns and she is also literally a golden-eyed warrior (they have their own lore for golden-eyed warriors) (it’s a wip from my end but i gesture vigorously at love’s own gold eyes. when i say he’s fated he’s fuckin fated) … leila’s profile post is forthcoming mostly because i don’t know how the hell to edit gifs in ps for her graphic.

AND NOW THE CONNECTION.

the point of his tribe’s endogamy (marriage within one’s own group) is to preserve their hereditary semblance. it already skips generations instead of being passed down faithfully from parent to offspring. there is an element of blood purity for a blood affinity going on here. in a difficult place like vacuo you can understand why one might want to keep a semblance like that close and alive. the clarkia semblance plus their role as prominent dust merchants contributed to their wealth and influence today. in addition, the clarkias are a human tribe. so that reinforces things. the akhdar clan they belong to have both humans and faunus though, hence folks like leila. this dynamic even goes into his and ksenija’s relationship, who are second cousins i think … there was reluctance from some people in love’s life about letting them meet a lot, although their parents got along fine because love’s parents went the exogamous route. exogamy is when one marries someone outside one’s own group. isa married amina who is way outside the kin group although still of an equal (or higher tbh) socioeconomic status than isa, when the general tradition of the clarkia tribe is to marry within one’s own group. basically they all married for love and so they didn’t really give a fuck about faunus heritage when love like, cried and begged to skip out of lessons in order to see ksenija when he was little. family is so important to them.

the clarkias are a failing house because they’re in the dust industry, and that hasn’t been doing too hot in vacuo for a long while. love is trying to help save his family from obscurity. part of this means him keeping traditions and expectations like the above going. part of his decision in choosing to become a huntsman is because of this desire to keep them from obscurity, when the clarkias really have no reason or tradition of buying into the idea of a huntsman when they’ve been warring and fighting against grimm generations before shade academy ever popped up as the ““““only real source of order.””””” so love fully expects to marry a human too. it doesn’t stop who he associates with, befriends, flirts with, or sleeps with. but he’s gonna marry a human. he is currently engaged to one even if they kinda want to break it off, but even then love is gonna marry a human. if anyone thinks that’s problematic please call him out on it but he never talks about his betrothed or marriage expectations unless he has to, not because he’s ashamed (they’re actually very compatible! they just don’t want to marry each other) (also i have not ‘created’ his betrothed yet because this is going to be all disney aladdin / 1,001 nights mythos which i haven’t had the time to watch/read for the past. year … lol.)

he is a member of vacuoan elite and marriage prospects or who his family has hired / continue to hire seriously does not mean that he personally thinks lesser of faunus, only that he grew up in an environment that has informed his life and expects certain things from him.

#thrushed #✧ﾟ * hc. i see gold on your cheeks and glitter in your lungs –— *#long post /#me: i-- ; sb: you love making headcanons. we know. you LOVE headcanoning you love it SO MUCH we know - you LOOOOVE HEADCANONS

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666random4life · 6 years

Text

AU WIP

So I basically have been working on this Musicians AU since last year when I got into My Hero Academia. It’s no where near done. I’m planning for it to be multiple chapters and this that I’m posting is not the completed first chapter. I have so much more I need to write (along with edit) so it’s most definitely a WIP.

Read it below:

Ever since Midoriya was a little kid, he wanted to be a musician.

He had been to every concert he could go to since he was little. Going to small concerts new bands would perform at. He even would stop to listen to a band play on the way home from middle school in the park. Even as much to make plans to eat at places where they would allow singers or bands to perform.

How he got this obsessed was simple. When Midoriya was a little boy, he saw a live video of a concert by the greatest singer, the one with the stage name:

All Might

His performance moved Midoriya. It changed his world. Ever since seeing that video online, his dream began.

“La la la!” He sang as he walked on his way back home from school.

Suddenly, he was pushed and almost fell to the ground.

“Shut up, Deku! You’re so off key it hurts my ears!” Bakugo yelled at the other and walked away with two of his friends.

It was true. Midoriya was always off key. He was tone deaf. But he wouldn’t let that stop him! He would become the best singer!

He walked towards the direction to the park where some days bands would perform and where people would listen to them. Seeing a blond man wearing a hat, scarf, and average looking clothes near the stage, Midoriya walked next to him to look at what group was going to perform. He was going to fanboy about the musicians to someone.

“Oh wow! It’s the Canyon Cannon! They’ve been getting better with each performance! Their singer Takeyama really seems to love belting it out.” Midoriya said looking at the band setting up. He turned to look at the blond next to him and froze. “All- All-“

The male tensed not ready for his identity to be revealed, he thought he was hiding who he was well enough to not be noticed. But the boy figured out right away.

“SHH!” The man raised his finger to his lips.

He looked around and grabbed the stuttering boy’s hand pulling him away to behind the stage where less people were. He took off his hat and sunglasses.

“All Might!” Midoriya gasped with his hands to his mouth in shock that he was right, the greatest singer was right in front of him.

“Yeah, it’s me kid.” The grown man said with a sigh. “Can you keep it a secret? I need to watch this band perform without getting noticed.”

“Of course!” Midoriya nodded at least five times.

“Great. Thanks kid.” He began to walk back to the front of the stage.

Midoriya watched as the great singer walked away. He was stuck with multiple thoughts going through his head. He couldn’t let All Might leave. Not when he had so many questions to ask.

All Might suddenly stopped, he felt someone clinging to him and looked down to see the middle school boy on the ground holding on to his leg. “Woah kid! I love my fans but still!”

“Please don’t go yet! I have many questions to ask you!” Midoriya cried.

“Alright! Fine, just let me go.” He would listen to the boy’s questions. He had some time since the band was still setting up.

Midoriya let him go and stood up. He looked All Might in the eyes before closing his eyes tightly. “Can… Can someone who is tone deaf ever become a great singer like you?” He shouted his question. The question that he was unsure if he wanted to know the answer to.

All Might looked at Midoriya, eyes more serious than before. About to answer, but the boy spoke before he could.

“Ever since I was little, I’ve wanted to be a singer. I always thought it was the coolest thing one could be. Inspiring and even saving people by song. The way you can sing with a fearless smile, not a sign of stage fright, and knowing your voice can reach people, I want to be just like you!”

“A fearless smile, huh?” A hoarse voice came from the singer All Might. The one who spoke regretted speaking just then.

“…All Might?” Midoriya’s eyes looked at the man confused and worried. Why did he sound so badly? He wondered to himself, coming up with no ideas why his voice sounded terribly.

“Let me tell you a secret kid. Don’t go putting this online.” He took off his scarf revealing a scar on his neck.

Midoriya shuddered seeing the scar, he could not stop staring at it.

“Five years ago, a fan attacked me. I needed surgery and my vocal chords were so damaged that I can barely sing at concerts now. I can only last around 3 songs.”

“Five years ago? After your tour ended in Sendai?” Midoriya asked still feeling the goosebumps forming on his arms from seeing such an injury on his musical hero.

“You really are a fan. Yeah, I asked for this attack to not be made public.” All Might said with a small chuckle. “As someone who can save people through song, I can’t stop. The reason I smile, is to hid the overwhelming pressure and fear I feel. A musician should always be able to reach people with their songs. So, can you be a singer without being able to reach even the right note? No, you cannot.”

“Ah…” Midoriya could barely whisper in response.

All Might put his scarf back around his neck, hat on his head, and sunglasses over his eyes. “If you really want to work in music, work for a record label company. You can help others become musicians.” He walked away towards the front of the stage. He stopped and turned his head. “It’s not wrong to dream. Just be realistic.” Was the last thing he said before returning to where he was before noticed.

The music started to play. But Midoriya couldn’t hear a single note. His mind was blank and quiet, not registering any of the sounds outside either. The shock was too much.

Still looking down he realized he never even got an autograph from the most famous singer. Even though he wanted it, he couldn’t find the strength to go back and face him. Then he heard his phone get a notification. It read:

BOOM & EXTRA’s are going to perform a gig at the location shown below! Come and watch before all seats are taken!

It was Bakugo’s band. Midoriya looked at the map and then shut off his phone, putting it back in his pocket. He walked away from the site where the Canyon Cannon played.

His mind kept insulting him. He was a third year in middle school and yet, he had been avoiding the reality. He couldn’t face it. Midoriya sniffled, he wiped his eyes. He couldn’t cry. He knew the truth. He couldn’t be blind to the truth anymore.

Yet when he looked up, he saw himself in front of the site where Bakugo’s band was to play in just a few minutes.

Even knowing he could not gain a future in it, his feet brought him there he had to force himself to walk away but a random girl stopped him.

“You’re that Deku kid Bakugo knows, right?” The female brunette asked. She continued, “Can you give this to Bakugo? Please!” She held out a gift for the guitarist and lead singer of the band to Midoriya.

“Ah, no I’m not really…” His voice drifted off but the gift was shoved in his chest.

“Thank you!” She ran away.

Midoriya suspected that she couldn’t watch them play this evening. He looked at the building then at the gift. He guessed he didn’t have a choice and walked in.

Being given directions to backstage after he said he knew the guitarist and had something to give him, Midoriya walked. He knocked on the door and heard Bakugo’s voice yelling.

“That better be him or he’s dead!” Bakugo whipped the door open. “What the hell, Deku? What are you doing here?” He shouted.

“I have a gift.” Midoriya regretted being there but held up the gift showing it to Bakugo. He then realized there might be a misunderstanding, so he explained, “It’s from a girl. A fan of yours.”

Bakugo growled but let Midoriya in and pointed at the table. “Set it there.”

“Bakugo, what are we going to do? He sent a text saying he can’t make it. Who’s going to do backup on vocals?” The bassist spoke while tuning his bass.

“Shut up!” Bakugo yelled.

Midoriya, who just placed the gift on the table looked at the bassist.

The bassist saw the look and smiled sadly, “That guy who plays keyboard said he can’t make it today. He just told us two minutes ago even though we need him as backup vocals. This song is impossible with one person after all.”

Bakugo growled at the bassist who flinched. “Shut up!”

“Hey, Midoriya, you know the song Eighth?” The bassist continued, acting like he wasn’t scared of Bakugo but everyone knew he was. “You could be our backup singer.”

“He can’t be our backup singer! He’s useless!” Bakugo shouted before Midoriya could respond. “He’s too plain looking anyways to even match with our group.” The blond smirked as he made the remark.

Midoriya knew that was true; although, he could have gone without the plain remark. Despite the insults he didn’t want to see Bakugo’s band cancel. They were good, and Bakugo was amazing, much more than the other middle school students with him.

“What if… I pretend to be a recording?” Midoriya raised his head, which had been looking down away from Bakugo’s gaze, towards him. “I’ll just stay behind stage and sing the parts you need. That’ll work, right?”

A piercing cold gaze met with Midoriya’s causing him to tense and stand still.

“Shut up you damn nerd. Before I kill you.” Bakugo spoke harshly and looked to his bandmates. “We’re changing our set list. We’ll be singing Heroes instead. That song can be sung without the backup vocals and still sound fine.”

As the bandmates wore a worried expression Bakugo shouted at them all. “Hey! With me as lead there’s no way this won’t be a success!” It seemed to have made the group more relaxed but then he pointed at Midoriya. “Deku, you can watch from backstage. I want you to see the difference between the two of us.” Bakugo’s eyes showed determination and hatred. He wouldn’t allow that tone deaf nerd think he could ever even think about catching up to him.

Midoriya could barely force a gulp but he nodded. He wouldn’t deny that Bakugo was amazing. The one with the nickname Kacchan had always been amazing. There’s no way he’d miss a chance to be backstage and watch them perform.

Then he recalled the words All Might spoke to him. Along with the memory of his mother.

She was happy for him when he found what he wanted to be, when he found his dream. Yet, when he couldn’t hit any of the right notes in music class and when he went to the doctor wondering if there was something that they could do to help, the doctor simply said no and explained some people were born completely tone deaf.

That night, after hearing something that could destroy a dream, he watched the video of All Might’s live performance. As his mother stood at the boy’s doorway the five year old Midoriya asked:

“Mom, can I still be a singer like him?”

Holding back tears, the child Midoriya looked at his mother as he pointed at All Might. He said that wanting to hear certain words.

But all that came in reply was “I’m sorry, Izuku.”

That wasn’t the words he wanted. At that time all Midoriya wanted to hear was…

“YOU READY TO SEE ME ROCK THE SHOW TONIGHT!?” Bakugo yelled to the crowd.

That pulled Midoriya away from his thoughts. He had forgotten that he was backstage to watch Bakugo and his bandmate’s backs as they performed.

The group performed perfectly which Midoriya knew he could do nothing to compare. Bakugo was amazing, singing the first two songs and playing guitar was impressive. So impressive that Midoriya didn’t think any other middle school student could compare.

“Last song… Heroes.” Bakugo’s voice was calm and collect as he spoke; however, Midoriya could detect he was out of breath and that he was tired.

Bakugo sung the beginning fine and his finger position and strums on the guitar were correct. Then it happened. It could have possibly been him straining his vocal chords too much, but his voice cracked. It shocked him as he missed the next line of the song and froze in playing his guitar.

“Rather impressive for the first two songs,” a man wearing a hat, sunglasses, and a scarf spoke to himself as he watched in the crowd, “but if he lets this small set back mess him up completely, he won’t get anywhere.” The greatest singer raised his head, wondering what the lead of BOOM & EXTRA’s would do.

The rest of the band kept playing, but from Bakugo forgetting what words were next or where he was even at for the guitar, they quickly were losing their spirit.

All Might, Bakugo, even Midoriya didn’t know why what happened next happened. Maybe it was because the microphone on the table was so close. Maybe it was because of his past. Maybe it was because of what happened that day. Maybe it was because of the goal he had since he could remember. But what was certain was that Midoriya wouldn’t let Bakugo not have a successful concert. Even more so when his back was screaming for help.

Midoriya ran on stage with the microphone and started singing the lines Bakugo forgot. Even though he was tone deaf, even though he was told to give up on his dream, he still sang.

Bakugo stared at Midoriya in shock but then glared deadly at him. Despite those actions of hatred, Bakugo remembered the notes to play and focused on that. He allowed Midoriya to sing.

It wasn’t just Midoriya who was shocked by the voice that came from his lips. All Might was too. Despite being a tone deaf nerd, Midoriya was singing on key as the song continued.

However, that was the only good thing.

Heroes was not written for All Might. Although Midoriya was good at memorizing lyrics, he only knew the beginning of the song. Not all of it.

He made it to a long part of the instrumental and looked to Bakugo to signal with his eyes he can’t sing more of it.

Their eyes did not meet.

The instrumental was about to end, Midoriya’s hand started to tremble. How was he supposed to sing when he did not know the lyrics?

He felt a pat on his shoulder, and the microphone was removed from his hand.

“Ready everyone? For I am here to finish this!”

The crowd screamed as all eyes went to the tall adult who stepped on stage.

Bakugo, his bandmates, and Midoriya, froze for less than a second at the famous man with them on BOOM & EXTRA’s stage. Bakugo choked his guitar at the final note of the instrumental before the vocals came back in.

And All Might sang.

Author’s Note: Here’s a fanart I did a while back on this AU.

#wip week #wipweek #my hero academia #au #musicians au #boku no hero academia #extra tags:#fanfic #fanfiction #wip #hopefully I will finish this chapter soon #I have a google doc with everyone's info written on it #I really want to write more of it #just need time #All Might #izuku midoriya #katsuki bakugou #no ships #...yet

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